#spotify said 'have some emotions and a very sad song' well damn

[ratkiing-a]

@hcavcnswept / lyric starter. roman candle ( ft. emma pollock) - dry the river.

"it doesn't mean i'm uncertain just afraid." charlie tended to ... do this when he got close to someone. he was so uncertain of how to act when around someone that he cared for, someone that he liked. caelum was so nice and kind and cute and it made charlie feel all warm inside, but with that it also brought along that feeling of dread that he was going to fuck it all up. so he's trying his best to explain why he had grown so quiet, but it's hard.

"i-i ... i know i like you, and you like me. but like ... i get worried that i'm gonna do something wrong."

[hmspogue]

Outer Banks season 2 Official Trailer shot-by-shot rundown

A comprehensive post where I scream about analyze the entire trailer frame by frame for clues, theories, and plot. Just my own opinions and general tin foil-hatting

These are screenshots from Netflix’s trailer for Outer Banks season 2. I do not claim or own any of these.

note: this post is tagged as a long post if you wish to avoid having to scroll until your thumbs break.

“My old man used to tell me, ‘it’s best to never say you’ve hit rock bottom’.”

(Putting all of these shots together since they’re scenes we already know but-) Holy shit, okay let’s just....start off like this I guess, damn.

“'Trust me’, he said...”

Kiara looking back and forth between the boys like this really just feeds the headcanon I have that her form of grief this season is going to be her trying to hold it together for their sakes (and eventually just snapping).

JJ just looks fucking furious someone give these kids a hug? I already know this scene is going to ruin me.

“You can always go...”

JJ back working at the hotel. He looks literally so angry again in this scene I could see him self destructing at work and losing his job? (Please do not be isolating yourself you beautiful son of a bitch even though I know you’re going to).

Pope in the Twinkie (costuming wise they all are in warmer looking clothes for some of the shots, so just confirming it’s a little bit into the school year when this all takes place).

“Lower”

Big John was real big into pep talks, I see. (seriously can you imagine Big John having this conversation with like 8 year old John B after he fucking dropped his ice cream cone or some shit I shouldn’t be laughing).

I’m just-

These poor kids, I wanna know how the police all the way down in the Bahama’s knew about them?

Their calves....

“RUN!”

Are going to be so fucking jacked by the end of this season I stg.

Fuck you.

“The gold from the Royal Merchant....it’s here.”

For a while, I had thought that maybe they didn’t even make it to the Bahama’s at the front of the season and ended there (because everyone had been filming in there). But I guess they’re going to be making two trips.

If I were a bird from this POV I’d shit right on that house no questions asked.

oooooh ho hokay. Just so we’re clear. Ward Cameron not only get away with murder and about two dozen other felonies, but-

“Half a billion.”

HE STILL FINDS THE GOLD IN THE CRAIN HOUSE AND GETS TO KEEP IT?

Not the polo with the snap back, I just know this man has a playlist called Sad Boi Hours that is just Juice WRLD’s top 5 songs on Spotify and he tells his friends they wouldn’t know the underground artists he listens to.

Sh, you have lost screaming privileges. Go inside and take a nap maybe.

“John B, we are fugitives in a foreign country.”

So, previously, I was talking about how I was confused how they would still be trying to find him is everyone thought he was dead, but here the wanted poster clearly says “presumed lost at sea”. I think that will be interesting to see how the Pogues all interpret that. 

Especially because they already had a memorial for John B and everything, I wonder if there will be any part of the Pogues holding out hope that they both could still be out there OUCH.

I’m going to circle back to this, but it looks like John B and Sarah are going to get separated for a little while in this man hunt, I could see my idiot himbo son trying to sacrifice himself so Sarah can get away but in reality just....stranding her.

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid?”

Oh, sweetie....

“Well, Sarah Cameron, I do stupid things all the time without realizing it.”

The volume of his self awareness is astronomical. sir, that is your whole character summed up in your own words.

GOD, IT’S ME AGAIN. PLEASE LET THEM LEAN INTO COMPLETE HIMBO JOHN B THIS SEASON I’LL DO ANYTHING-

nyyooooOOOOOOOOOOOOM-

“Hold on!”

The complete abject terror I would feel having John Booker Routledge driving get-away and then saying the words “Hold on” while reaching fro the gear shift? The english language fails me. 

Sarah, bestie, I’m so sorry.

I just wanna know-

what the plan or objective was in this situation. What was the reason for being this dramatic.

Rest in piss, bozo <3

“Ward’s still out there...”

Okay, same conversation they were having as before. I wonder what makes them decide they need to get back to the OBX for this tho.

“I can clear my name. This can all be over in one shot.”

It looks like Topper watching this but way more concerningly, correct me if I’m wrong but this 100% looks like....John B gets caught. And the DEATH PENALTY?! He did have a mug shot for the fliers in s1 and the one above but he was never brought in? Plus he just looks super dirty and dishevled in this one so I-

Jail break anyone?

I also still want to know if they’re going to go with a Topper redemption arc this season. like, does he know more than he should just from being around Rafe and his big fat mouth? Is he going to help out the Pogues even if it’s just for Sarah?

This shot just suddenly made me really sad. The thought of this all started because Big John left one last thing for his son to find, his literal life’s work. And when it all started, it was just a fun adventure John B and his best friends were going on together and having fun with. Then it all got dragged to absolute shit and turned into what it did, including the remaining 3 Pogues thinking that this treasure hunt took their two best friends away from them. And it’s nothing like Big John intended it to be.

Why my eyes wet?

Now we’re edging into what I was talking about earlier with John B and Sarah getting separated.

“If you think there is anything I wouldn’t do...”

Once again, John B is no where to be found. Also, just in case y’all didn’t already know or forgot Ward is an actual psychopath.

I believe this one of the new character, played by Jontavious Johnson (Stubbs). Based on the voice over it lowkey sounds like they’re implying Ward maybe hired Stubbs and Cleo to find and bring Sarah back. My theory would be I bet they do go to retrieve her, but she somehow convinces them that it would be more beneficial for them in the end to be on the Pogue’s side instead.

Miss Girl you gotta be keeping your head on a SWIVEL. Especially when you’re a FUGITIVE of the LAW-

“...you haven’t been paying attention.”

My guy, who are you clarifying this for?

It’s what you deserve for monologuing.

in all seriousness, the idea of them coming to face to face with Ward in Nassau after thinking they finally escaped him is genuinely terrifying.

“SARAH!”

It kind of looks like they’re either hiding their faces or covering their noses? I don’t know maybe it was from some tactic to get away from Ward.

What did I literally jsut say about yelling privileges, you unhinged mother fucker?

“I’m calling the shots now. I’m driving.”

The following progression of scenes made me actually snort-

“I can’t drive stick.”

PLEASE THE FINGER GUNS LAUNCHED ME INTO ORBIT I LOVE THEM, YOUR HONOR.

Alright, so now it looks like we’re in Charleston. This is the same scene with Heyward’s truck that got leaked from BTS (read: JJ and Kie shoulder touch).

One of the main things that stuck out to me in the following scenes which, you will see, is it lowkey looks like Pope is kind of heading up this part of the operation, or even going in alone? The following clips are just very Pope focused. 

I don’t know what it means, it’s just an observation.

“John B was not the only one that Ward double-crossed.”

LIMBRY-

Bro, we have been hearing about this woman for literal months and I just have....so many questions? 

Who the hell is she? How is she connected to Ward? Why is she in South Carolina instead of the OBX? How do the Pogues even learn about her and how to track her down? How is she meant to “help” them? GAH I JUST WANNA KNOOOW. I already know I don’t trust her though and no I will not be offering up supporting evidence.

Sir, that is my son please unhand him.

“I think you know what I want.”

.......no? But feel....free to explain yourself?

The print on the paper is the same one that’s on the ceiling tiles in the following scene. Obviously, with a key on it that most likely goes to the place a few shots from now.

Hell yeah, son, let’s get SLEUTHING.

“The treasure belongs to the Pogues.”

DAMN STRAIGHT.

Bestie’s I’m not going to lie, I stared at this frame for a solid 10 minuets and I have no idea what it says on there I’m sorry. Someone in the comments is welcome to enlighten us.

“We gotta find it first.”

I can’t tell if that’s just dirt or if he hurt his head? But he look GOOD right now for one thing. For another, same outfit as the one in the Twinkie from the beginning of the trailer.

Look at her. LooK AT HER! LOOK! AT! HER! I MISSED HER SO MUCH even in that damn smiley face top that continues to haunt my waking hours she is in it so much and it stresses me out for literally no good reason I’m sorry-

I could literally cry right now and I think that speaks volumes to how little we actually see him genuinely happy. Have I mentioned how much I love that red hat?

Also, probably not that important, but this is not from the same scene as the shots of Pope and Kiara were. This is from the next one-

“Woogity-woogity?”

“Give me some woogity, baby!”

Yeah, this pushed me over the fucking edge, the way that they’re actually happy and laughing? The fact that they kept woogity-woogity and made it A Thing? Yes.

I am, however, going to be intentionally ignoring what appears to be the very intentional stagingof having such an obvious space between where Kiara and Pope are sitting adn where JJ sits, even including the level they’re sitting on because I don’t have the emotional capacity to face those implications right now. Thank you for your time.

Yes yeeeeEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE ME ALL OF THE SCENES OF THEM ACTUALLY GETTING TO BE TEENAGERS AND JUST BREATHE AND LAUGH AND HAVE A GOOD TIME AND NOT BE RUNNING FOR THEIR FUCKING LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!

before Rafe comes in and literally starts shooting because they can’t breathe for more than 7 seconds but we’ll....get to that.

They refer to Sarah as a Pogue this season or I burn Netflix to the ground. Your move, Jonas.

50 bucks says John B is driving the Twinkie again for the first time since being back.

I deadass think the Pogues JUST got Sarah and John B back and they’re just having the time of their life. Kie was in her smiley face outfit when Pope was in this one a few clips ago, and I still hold to the belief that that one still they released of JJ and Kie hopping over a fence is the Pogue reunion so-

Ward? I have no idea what he’s looking at behind the wall paper and I’ll be so honest I don’t care my eyes are only seeing Pogue content right now.

“This is a map of the whole island.”

This fit, when will John B learn how to operate buttons, stay tuned for season 5. Also my previous theory of this being their reunion outfits and stuff because Pope is in the back in the same jacket as before.

The plot thickens and so has JJ’s hair, Rudy drop the shampoo brand.

Please, dear God, tell me they’re back in the sex church. For @jiaaraa sake.

Kiara, your Madison is showing.

Okay, I really did try but all I can make out is Something to the tomb begin something something.

You’re welcome.

I am no expert but I do not believe boats operate on land.

John B looks like he is in the same outfit here that is in his mug shot we saw on the TV screen so I have a sneaking suspicion this is where he gets caught. 

“John B is back-”

Once again with the damn sexual tension that’s always between Barry and Rafe in every scene they do are we about to kiss right now?

“-it’s him or me.”

First of all, no.

Second of all, I’m just....so very confused about this time line this season. It kind of looks like Ward and Rafe follow and find Sarah and John B in Nassau (unless those scenes by the truck were actually back in the OBX). So did they....go to Nassau, then just come right back when they did? I’m just confused.

Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.

Literally when will you stop at this point I am begging you. 

This looks like the same scene the Pogues were, ya know, literally just having a good time at so fuck me, I guess.

Yeah, no, it’s going to be a no from me, I’m just going to pretend like I’m not seeing this and moving on.

I have simply no idea what is going on here or who that is on the bike but maybe JJ? Maybe Luke even? I think that’s JJ’s bike. 

The sewer scene. The SEWER SCENE-

For months sicne that tiktok leaked this damn scene has been genuinely all I could think about. So (obviously) it seems like they’re sending Kie down into the sewer to go do seomthing and things go horribly, horribly wrong. 

If you haven’t seen the tiktok, essentially all it was was JJ and Pope screaming and trying to lift up the man hole cover while Kie is begging for them to hurry from inside. I’m cheating a little bit as this isn’t a shot from the trailer but this picture was posted and it’s from the same scene.

I’ll just....leave this here. Back to the trailer shots.

Nice. Also, same shirt as mugshot.

Hey, um, what? 

Kiara’s car, she’s driving, I can’t tell who’s in the back seat or the front.

Holy God what is going on and how can I as an audience member put a stop to it?

So, same scene as we will see and was in the teaser but, for some reason, they’re all jumping off of a giant ass boat into the little life raft where it looks like JJ gets hurt later but don’t you worry we’re getting to that.

JJ AND KIARA WITH THE POGUE HANDSHAKE JJ AND KIARA WITH THE POGUE HANDSHAKE THEY BOTH LOOK SO DAMN GOOD AND THEIR LITTLE SMILES SPARE ME-

Cleo 🥵

I’m so excited to see her arc and what it brings this season you guys have no idea.

Please for the love of God be about to get Ward Cameron’s ass like he deserves literally punt him into jail right from Tanny Hill.

Sarah at My Druther’s with what looks like a bloody bandage on her side? Same outfit she’s wearing when they’re running from the police on the beach and she has the bandage there too so. Interesting. 

Topper hugging who I’m pretty sure is Sarah, being a general douche because he’s clearly looking at John B like 😏 

Clips like these serve to remind me just how many of my worldly posessions I would gladly give up to be able to punch Topper Thorton in the throat one time. 

I think this is Cleo jumping off the boat with Pope after John B and Sarah. 

Absolutely busting a lung at Pope’s form in this one.

John B and Sarah waiting in the life raft, still Cleo and Pope coming after them. The obvious next question is where are JJ and Kiara. The scene I’m sure you all have been waiting for is coming up and clearly takes place in the life raft as well.

So, I really think JJ and Kie get left for last, something horrible happens as they’re trying to jump (my head instantly goes to JJ maybe like pushing Kie out of the way and getting hit on the head instead or even just some accident). 

And, oh my GOD a scene of him falling off the boat after it happens and Kiara diving in after him immediately, having to desperatly try to stop him from sinkingand get to the life raft holy shit-

Girl CATCH HIM?????

Because why wouldn’t this be Rafe’s fault. Part of me wonders if this isn’t related to JJ being hurt.

I am going to try and unpack this as calmly as possible because behind my computer screen I am vibrating at a frequency that could shatter glass but respectfully.

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS TIAUEWFHLAILA

Okay, so scene wise, JJ’s hit his head somehow (probably while he was jumping with Kiara) it looks like and now they’re back on the raft. 

In my opinion, this is either:

A) JJ is in really, really bad condition after getting hurt in the jump and they’re not sure he’s going to make it. So this is a “Please stay with me, stay awake, please don’t die” hug OR

B) They very narrowly just avoided a deadly situation (my first thought is JJ hits his head while jumping, passes out in the water, maybe almost drowns but Kie and the others get him onto the life raft in time) and this is more of a “Oh my God, you’re okay, you’re safe now, we’re okay” hug. 

I honestly lean more to the second one based on the little bit of Sarah’s face we saw in the background. To me, it almost looked like she was smiling thru tears, which, fits way more with the second option than the first. 

Anyways. Moving on before I burst a lung again.

(also, before anyone comes at me, no, I’m not happy JJ is hurt, obviously.  

(Once again, arrest outfits). You can still see the bandage but it looks like Sarah’s limping now too so...good Lord give the girl a break maybe?

Everything in this trailer just went to shit so fast I think I have whip lash, can we go back to the Pogues hanging out and being happy now pkease I liked those scenes.

“I get it. You guys are scared.”

“No.”

She’s cute but, uh, hello sewer scene outfits. Seems like them planning to do whatever the hell they were going to do in the sewers but the boys are starting to get cold feet as maybe they should but hind sight is 20/20 I suppose.

“It’s kind of cute.”

“I’m not scared.”

“You should’ve just led with that.”

I will never be able to express how much I adore Pogue banter and general dumbassery and I have a feeling this season will not be lacking in either department

I high key don’t think these two are actually going to be there for this scene to go down but I’ll let it slide this time because-

They do be kinda cute.

It both feels like I’ve been waiting for this damn show for 3 years and also like I just watched season 1 last month explain that to me. 

Either way holy shit. I missed this dumb show and these dumb kids so much it physcially hurts and WE GET THEM BACK IN T-MINUS 16 DAYS.

Also. Where The Hell Is Wheezie Cameron And When Will She Have The Rights She Deserves.

[burnmyuncle]

mista. post 5 songs you really like. NOW. thank you

aw shit uhh 

There She Goes - The La’s: like so many other songs I wasn’t super hot on this the first time I heard it but it just stayed in my head and I decided to listen to it again and MAN I’m glad I did cause I feckin love it now. I love how it doesn’t have any verses, and the way he sings just everything, and there’s just something about the phrase “there she goes” really gets me. Idk this song just reminds me of someone I know and I love it (the song not the being reminded) so much!!!!

Needle in the Hay - Elliott Smith: I first heard this song, like probably many other younger cinephiles, in The Royal Tenebaums by Wes Anderson, and just damn what a powerful scene. Anyways, I love when the overdubbed guitar comes in playing the chords around 2 minutes in. And like so many other things I love it just makes me sad, there’s just like a rough beauty to this song if that makes sense, the lyrics are amazing. One of many great songs about heroin!

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths: omg where do I start with this one, I literally just listened to it for the first time like a day ago but I just instantly fell in love with it. As someone who’s a massive fan of The Smiths idk how I didn’t hear it earlier but better late than never yknow. ANYWAYS, GOD this song is just so good, like I’m sorry this isn’t very insightful commentary I just love it so much ;A;. The vocals are just ACE and the lyrics are phenomenal, whenever the chorus comes on I feel like crying cause it’s that beautiful, just listen to this song!

 Alison - Slowdive: man this song, so good. It’s got that trademark shoegaze feeling of sadness and nostalgia and all that good stuff. Also just gotta say if a good band has a song with a woman’s name as the title then it’s certified that it’s gonna be a banger. But yeah that applies to this song too. It just makes me feel this emotion I can’t really describe. The lyrics are great too, especially the choruses  “"Alison," I said, "We're sinking"/There's nothing here but that's okay/Outside your room, your sister's spinning/But she lies, tells me she's just fine/I guess she's out there somewhere”. 

Rattlesnakes - Lloyd Cole and The Commotions: THIS SONG IS SO GOOD! I heard it on spotify radio at like midnight or something and I liked it so much that I listened to it on loop for like 40 minutes straight, I just love this type of 80s british orchestral indie pop type music (kinda like some stuff off Ocean Rain by Echo and The Bunnymen [which is a fucking fantastic album I might add]). I love the vocals so much and the lyrics are just so, idk how to say you can just tell the singer is a reader. But like seriously I just love this song so much it’s unreal, I just absolutely adore poppy music when it’s done well, literally nothing like it imho. GO LISTEN TO THIS ONE TOO!!!!!!

[miracle-sham]

Memento Mori Cries Our Shattered Souls.

| {Jasonette July 2021, Week 1, Day 3: Grave} |

| [Ao3 Link] | | [Masterlist Link] | | [Spotify Playlist Link] |

| Soulmates, are a tricky thing. It's said they're the person who best fits you. Everyone goes through life with half of their Soulmate's soul beside them in the form of an animal that represents the soulmate. |

| Marinette always thoughts she'd get to meet her Soulmate and the other half of her soul one day, and now she never will. Jason never wanted to meet his soulmate or be reunited with the other half of his soul. And now, like Romeo and Juliet, they've truly become star-crossed Soulmates. |

| Word Count: 1,371. |

| Warnings/Tags: Soulmate Au, Major Character Death/Implied Death/Temporary Death/Not Really Dead, Death Related Injuries/Injury Recovery, Miscommunication, Loss of Soulmate, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language/Swearing, Starcrossed Soulmates, Wakes & Mentions of Funerary Customs/Traditions. |

———

| A/N: Okay so there's only one song on this one's playlist but c'mon, look my written words in the eyes and tell me that isn't the perfect Jasonette song. Yeah, exactly. Also Choo Choo dear readers, I'm back on the angst train. Grab your tissues and some liquid to hydrate yourself because if you aren't crying by the end of this, then I've failed my job <3 |

| If you want to be tagged in future oneshots/fics or a specific Au, then feel free to send me a dm and or ask! |

| Also side note, Don’t Like? Don’t Read. Also also, please do not criticise any of my writing. This was written for fun and receiving criticism, even in a compliment/criticism sandwich, is the exact opposite of fun. |

———

It isn't a grave. An important difference, Marinette thinks to herself hollowly. There's a dull pang in her chest, and the constant ache of all her many, many still healing injuries. She shouldn't be up and about yet, it's only been a day since she was discharged from hospital. Her parents and the doctors would have kittens. But Marinette needs to do this. And she's already crawled her way up to her balcony chair (though with a little miraculous help of course). Because it isn't a grave but it might as well be one.

It's a simple little thing really, and yet… Yet it's a lot of things.

A shrine, well an altar. On the half wall besides her balcony chair. It's a small stone slab with a lit incense holder in the middle, and a few lit candlesticks in each of the front two corners of the slab. Behind the incense holder, in the back two corners are two bouquets of marigolds, white lilies, and yellow and white chrysanthemums. And in front of the incense holder, is a single photo of her soulmate familiar and all that she has left of her soulmate; Buddy the german shepherd.

Five days ago, her soul bond shattered. Her soulmate familiar nearly shattered too. It was a miracle Buddy only fell into a pseudo-coma instead. Unlike her though, he's yet to wake up. And considering the situation, he may never. One of the doctors—a soulmate related injuries specialist—had said it's rare but not unheard of for that to happen when the human counterpart to their soul familiar dies. And the final damning nail in the coffin was Marinette's own soul familiar counterpart appearing at some point after she had fallen into the three day coma. After all, it's common knowledge that once a soulmate died, you become reunited with the other half of your soul—your soul familiar counterpart.

Marinette doesn't know what happened to her soulmate's body (if there even is one left, considering the injuries found on her and her soul familiar counterpart). Nor does she have any memorabilia or anything that once belonged to her soulmate. And she certainly doesn't know where he was from and if he would've had any preferred cultural funeral rites. So the best she can give him right now, are the typical funeral flowers her parents both recommended, alongside candles and incense. Somewhat plain and generic almost but it's something, and it's better than nothing.

She chokes back a sob and rubs at her red eyes. “It's not fair… I thought Ladybug's were supposed to be lucky.”

There's a faint pitter-patter and a few droplets splatter against the altar. She blinks and glances upwards, briefly wondering if it is starting to rain. But the cloudless sky is all an answer she needs, along with the realisation of dampness on her cheeks and hands. She blinks again, and a few more tears fall.

Tikki makes a small noise of sadness, and gives Marinette one of those tiny little hugs she always gives.

Still, the grief hurts. Marinette will never get to know who her soulmate was. His name, what he looked like, how he smiled, his accent, what he liked, his favourite things, any stupid habits or mannerisms.

And she will never get to know if her soulmate even has a grave already. She could always ask Tikki, she's right there. But the kwami is stressed enough as it is that Marinette fell comatose for three days and nearly died from the injuries inflicted on her soul familiar counterpart. And five days without a proper Ladybug (and not just Master Fu stepping in out of necessity) protecting Paris has started to visibly take its toll on Tikki.

So, Marinette's little altar isn't a grave but it's where she's burying her grief and wishing the ladybug miraculous could do something to fix this.

———

It's not a fucking grave. If Jason had a choice, he'll never let his soulmate be buried in one of those fuckers ever, y'know just in case she ever ends up like him and is forced to crawl out her own grave. But he hasn't got a fucking choice because who knows who or where his soulmate is and what happened to her after he became a dead robin.

Well other than the fact, she's un-fucking-doubtedly dead and it's all his fucking fault, obviously. It's been six months since he crawled out his grave, and Talia had said the Lazarus Pit could heal broken soul bonds and soulmate familiars that died with the soulmate. Clearly fucking wrong seeing as his bond is still shattered as fuck and there's been no sign of Jules—the naturally shifting little soulmate familiar he used to adore. The kinda weird and scrappy looking calico tabby kitten that according to the internet was a cornish rex, that would sometimes shift into an even tinier, very round and fluffy hamster.

And Jason's spent enough time on the streets as a kid to know what happens to the human counterpart when their soul familiar counterpart snuffs it. If he's lucky, she'll be in a coma and will never wake up. And if he's unlucky, then she'll be six feet under like he was. Either way, she's paying for his fuck ups and deserves way better.

A small part of him wonders if that makes them star-crossed lovers. Like a reverse Romeo and Juliet—fucking ironic considering R&J were the inspiration behind Jules' name. He died, and came back only to find irrefutable evidence that his soulmate's dead—or might as well be—because of him dying first, and she'll never know he survived dying.

“It's not fair!” Jason snarls at his fate, vision staining green for a split second. He grits his teeth and glares down at the little altar he's set up in the corner of his room in whatever league of assassins' compound this is. It's got a single lit candle in each corner of the altar—a substitute for how there's supposed to be a burning candle at each corner of a coffin. Still doesn't make it a fucking grave though.

There's also a few bunches of flowers scattered across the middle of the altar—mostly marigolds, with a few white lilies, a couple black roses, a single pheasant's-eye, and a small handful of asphodels. It hadn't been easy to get them, especially since he couldn't exactly leave the compound yet. But Jules and his soulmate deserved this at least.

Marigolds for grief, white lilies more for the funeral staple than the meaning, black roses for death and mourning, pheasant's-eye for painful recollections, and asphodels for my regrets follow you to the grave.

Fucking ironic, seeing as it's on altar and not a grave.

The worst fucking part of being here, was losing Jules. The one fucking constant in his shitty life. Batman replacing him fucking stung alright, and he's never particularly cared for soulmates, yeah. He's seen and heard more than plenty horror stories growing up, and considering how small and cute Jules is, no way would've his soulmate survived Gotham. It's not like he cared too much about meeting her or whatever, but she was fucking innocent and now she's fucking dead. So yeah, she gets asphodels on her altar because he regrets being the reason she and Jules got shattered.

And the pheasant's-eye, well Talia and all the fucking assassins in this hell hole aren't giving him the chance to hold a wake for either of them. And it's not like he knows shit about her or has anything of hers to sit on the altar. He hasn't even got anything left of Jules 'cept his fucking memories. So all he can really do is recount his own memories of her to himself. Maybe he should write 'em down in a book or something…

All in all, it ain't a fucking grave. But it might as well be one because it's where he's burying his memories and feelings. After all, an assassin without a soulmate familiar, or a soulmate, is a lot harder to kill. 'Least he's got that going for him now. But Jules and his soulmate still didn't fucking deserve dying only for him to survive alone.

———

| Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little fic! Comments, likes, and reblogs are much appreciated! |

| Quick reasons behind the Soul Familiar names and species, whilst I know Jason canonically is bad at naming, he's also a literature nerd so hence why he called his soulmate's familiar Juliet, also because it shifts form he can't call it Cat or Hamster. The hamster is because well this is half of Marinette's soul, let's be real, and the cat is because Calicos are seen as lucky and also I thought a Cornish Rex because they're highly intelligent, active, and affectionate and I think that fits Marionette pretty well. As for why Marinette has Buddy, it's purely because Jason reminds me of a German Shepherd and I feel Marinette would've wanted to become friends with her Soulmate as soon as she understood it as a kid, so hence the name buddy. It's not fully accurate to her canon naming skills, but that doesn't matter. |

| If you've been around since the early days of my Maribat/MLB Tumblr side acc, then this premise might sound familiar. Yeah, you've guessed it! It's the Jasonette version of my MTSPY au (rip, I'll get to writing it one day, maybe), aka/originally called LYLaLYL or Lose Your Love and Lose Your Life. I decided since I love the au but I want to re-use a lot of it but with some minor to significant changes. Anyway, if those au names are familiar/you've been around for my last year's content, then here have a virtual hug from me! 🫂 If you can't see this emoji, it's the weird two blue humanoid blobs hugging emoji. Yeah. |

| On a sidenote if there's an obvious difference in writer's voice for the end/beginning notes, tags, and summary, that's because I'm writing this very sleep deprived at 4am and may have gone slightly feral. Yeah. Don't do what I'm doing, get some sleep folks. Half the tags were written at the much more reasonable hour of ten to midnight instead though. |

| Also feel free to send me any comments with any questions you have regarding this fic, I'll be more than happy to answer! |

| @jasonette-july-event |

[peeterparkr]

perfidy;tom holland|21

chapter 21: the film.

enemies to lovers au/enemies with benefits

chapter summary: The puzzle, and not being able to pretend anymore

pairing: tom holland x y/n

warnings: angst, fluffy angst, angst and more angst.

word count: 10.2 k

playlist(1: with song names)

playlist 2 (Spotify link)

Playlist: perf1Dy (one direction+solo songs)

social media before you read  : Behind the scenes.

previous chapter Perennial-Prologue series masterlist

Hi :) thanks to @peachybloomss​ for being my beta reader. 

Yes, this is the last chapter. No worries, Perennial is coming soon. (Next Friday!) But Here we go, anyways. Thanks for everyone who read this and for all the support. I hope you are as excited as I am for perennial, and well. Yes, I’m emotional you’ll be too. Cry with me. 

Tom has cried with movies before. Most of us have. That unexplainable feeling that comes when watching their emotions, while rooting for the main character and seeing how it all tumbled down right before their eyes. You know, that cramp on your chest when the last hope dies, or that feeling when you don’t get a happy ending. But you know you couldn’t get one, and the bittersweet ending is the best you can hope for. 

Yes, he’s cried with movies, not with movies like Titanic. No, no. Sure, it was sad. But not really the feeling they’d understand. He and y/n had talked about it, once, how neither of them had cried with that one. Even if they were so different, when it came to their emotions, they were very much alike. 

And with movies, even if y/n could sometimes be one of those pretentious film students, if she enjoyed a movie, no matter how cinematically wrong it could be, she didn’t mind, she would cry. But Tom knew y/n was brilliant with emotions, she perfectly knew how to crush hearts with one sentence, with one idea for a scene. He’d seen her do it. 

And that’s what led him there. Built-up scenes made to hurt him. 

Tom had never felt this wrong. Like a dagger going through his chest. Dry mouth. Swollen lips. He’d swallowed his words. As if saying anything would rip off his throat. 

He guessed it was his fault. Life paying off for crushing and loving his brother’s crush. It was a very complicated situation which he had yet to address with Harry. Yes, he had apologized. To his parents, to Harry, to Emma, well he had tried to, she hadn’t listened to him, and Emma’s parents. To Sam. Apologies for some sober thoughts that had accidentally transformed into drunken words. 

He felt selfish, and he felt conflicted. If he’d done this to help Harry out, then why the hell did he feel so wrong? 

But at least he had apologized. He had meant that apology. He was sorry, and he had said it. 

Not to y/n, though. Not to y/n. 

Did he have to? He probably did. Because he felt guilty because he knew that her words hadn’t been written in vain. She meant them. 

He was too proud to admit that he missed her. That he’d gotten so used to waking up to her that now waking up alone made his stomach tie up in a knot. He had wanted to kiss her so badly his lips ached. He was too proud to admit that the nights were too long and that they arrived earlier, that the sun wasn’t coming out. Because he’d shown her his weakness and strengths. But it was just another story for her. A scene. 

A movie he was crying with. 

That’s the worst thing about heartbreak, the aftermath. Having to deal with the fact that she wasn’t there. Having to deal with the fact that no matter how angry, he still loved her. That’s the hard thing about heartbreaks. They hurt, but it’s harder to accept the fact that it probably won’t come back to what it used to be. The worst thing about heartbreak is that not even the pain can be able to take away your feelings; to think that he had the world and it vanished right in front of him, and think he had arrived at war with no weapons and she still had shot fire. 

But he missed her. 

And he felt it. And he was amazed by how well she knew the feeling. The heartbreak. A chest pain. An intermittent pressure in his chest. As if he couldn’t breathe. A void. 

And it made him think. How she had gone through this kind of pain. How had she gotten up? How did she manage to get back around? How can you mend a broken heart? It’s impossible. 

Because he remembered seeing her coming back slowly, and maybe it did make sense why when she was back on their family lunches and dinners, she’d have to excuse herself and her nose would be red when she came back. Or how she’d zone out. How she’d stay quiet, very very quiet. 

Because words didn’t want to come out of his mouth. Because it had been a heartbreak caused by her. And caused by him. Now he regretted it. The damn morality speaking after drinking too much. And he shouldn’t have. He really shouldn’t have. 

He’d heal. Not right now. 

He couldn’t. He would, eventually. But not now. Or maybe he would if he saw her again. There was still that hopeful thought roaming around his mind. That they’d be able to work this out.

 He wanted to.

 He wanted to heal this, heal his sorrow. He wanted to live again, not like this. Not with this pain. How the hell had she done it? Live with the rain. 

And maybe he wanted to forgive her. Because after all, she’d forgiven him. 

But had she? If she’d done that, had she really forgiven him? 

He needed answers.

God, not that, not even that. He just needed to see her, at least from afar. Or maybe he’d look out for her, kiss her one last time. Kiss her goodbye. Wake up from this nightmare. 

He wanted this film to end already, he didn’t like it. He had cried with this one, even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud. Loving hurts. 

This story was not the love story he thought he’d have with her. He needed another chance, even if they’d run out of them. What would he do if he never saw her again? What if they never had the chance to give explanations. Did she have one? 

It wouldn't matter, she was home. And even if she’d hurt him, and even if he was bleeding, he knew he loved her, and he didn’t want to let her go. 

And it seemed like fate had listened to his thoughts. He saw her car. And that old vintage car gave him hope, and it gave him memories, too. From their first breakfast together to when he believed it could lead somewhere. Loving can heal. 

Was she in the same park as him? Was he looking for him? Maybe she was feeling the same. Maybe she too wanted to pause this for a little bit. He knew he did. 

He was sitting down on a bench, Tessa running around, and back to him. He barely had any emotions and he wasn’t as cheerful to play with her. He felt numb. Yes, that’s it. Numb. 

But he’d seen her car. She probably was nearby. Was she alone? 

And what would he even say to her? Because he needed to apologize too. What kind of apology, he didn’t know, but he needed to apologize. 

But he needed to see her, one last time. Even if it would hurt him, his last memory of her couldn’t be a picture of her on his phone. That’s not what he needed. 

With pain, excitement, confusion and barely any hope of finding her, he started to look out. And he was expecting the worst. But he knew that she could mend his broken heart, and maybe it wouldn’t stop raining, but he’d enjoy it. 

And maybe if someone had told him he’d regret it, he … probably wouldn’t, no, he would’ve  searched for her anyway. Because maybe that was the only explanation he needed. As if he’d walked directly into a hurricane as if he was hit with a train. 

He’d seen her, arms crossed as Harry was anxiously tapping his foot, avoiding her gaze. And maybe he should’ve run out right there, but he kept watching, because Tom was, beyond many things, stupidly stubborn. 

She looked terrible, and that wasn’t normal of her. She looked grey, broken, weak. But she’d looked out for Harry, not for Tom. For Harry, maybe that was the explanation Tom needed. She wouldn’t look for him. And it hurt, because how many times had he not tried to call her these days, how many nights had he not craved the taste of her lips. 

And she hadn’t looked up for him. 

He couldn’t hear the conversation. He wasn’t close enough. 

Harry was holding something, a bunch of papers. What was it? 

They were angry, Tom could tell. Probably yelling at each other, their hands going up in the air, finger-pointing, fists, hands to the face. Harry stood back up, crossing his arms, Tom could tell his brother was angry, that his brother was exasperated. Holding his head, as y/n watched him and seemed stressed. 

They were arguing. 

But it seemed like a weird argument as if Harry didn’t want to hear what she was saying. Harry sat on the bench again as y/n moved her hands quickly, she didn’t know how to explain it. 

And eventually, they both went quiet as they were both on the bench, Harry staring at the bunch of papers he was holding. 

And then Harry was about to leave, and Tom saw y/n still had a lot to say so she followed after Harry. 

But then, he saw it. 

His world shattered. 

Have you ever felt like the world is sinking? Have you ever felt the world spinning? And suddenly, he could hear every single noise. As if the city had suddenly decided to be loud, he heard car horns, children playing, couples arguing, alarms going off, every single noise getting louder as if someone was setting the fire, shooting. Too loud. The weather around him was getting so warm but he was only getting colder. His chest was shrinking, not leaving any more space for his heart, as it was pressed into a knot. 

Tom was pretty sure he was about to faint. 

Harry had his hands on her face and his lips on her. Harry had kissed y/n. 

Harry was kissing y/n. 

Harry and y/n kissed. 

And he didn’t know how long it had been, but Tom felt like time had stopped for them and Tom, while the whole world was going too quickly. As if everything around kept going except for them. 

Tom was sure he was hearing his heartbeat, a loud thud, his ears were buzzing. 

He didn’t even notice he’d let go off Tessa’s leash, and he hadn’t even seen how Tessa had run to Harry, to interrupt the kiss. Harry’s hands had moved to her arms. 

Y/N was terrified, she hadn’t moved, she had only frozen, didn’t even notice Tessa. Had she kissed him back? Tom hadn’t seen it. He couldn’t see anything. It was blurry. 

She hadn’t kissed him again. And he hadn’t kissed her again. She was in shock, even… Shaking a bit. She didn’t even turn to see Tess. 

Harry did, he turned to see Tessa, begging to be pet.she jumped to them. 

 Y/N shook her head, and turned back into reality, Tom could see she was breathing again. Both Harry and Y/N were in shock seeing the pup. It was going all in slow motion as if y/n and Harry both got the hint as they saw Tess. Y/N slowly looked up, and her eyes found Tom instantly, standing there. Weakly, he had just been shot and his knees were getting weaker by the minute, almost about to fall to the ground. 

Y/N  with Harry’s hands still on her arms tried to back away as she stared at Tom. She couldn’t map her emotions, that was clear.

Tom urged to rush, to leave. He couldn’t—get in their way.

He saw y/n opening her mouth to say something but he couldn’t hear about it. Everything kept going fast, and slow. Tom was going too slow. 

But y/n walked out of Harry’s grip. Tom thought she would rush to him, she didn’t. She walked away from both of them, Harry stayed with Tessa. 

Tom didn’t know how he managed to get back home, he didn’t know how he got there, he didn’t remember crossing any streets.

He had lost control, his heart was beating so fast, so loudly, it was going to burst out. He was barely breathing. He had to leave it all behind, that was the only answer he needed to any of the questions he’d asked in the darkness throughout these days and nights. 

He probably shouldn’t have to live with it tomorrow, not with all this sorrow. Because that’s how it was supposed to be, right? Harry and her. 

Though it hurt, he had to deal with it. 

But had y/n kissed Harry back? Did y/n love Harry? Because y/n was an impossible case, and she probably didn’t even know it herself. That’s the problem with y/n, she never knows what she feels. She was never certain, she never did anything for the sake of doing it. She did it because she had a million reasons behind everything she did, she wasn’t spontaneous, she always loved to be premeditated. She always thinks about what she does, so that’s probably why she’d searched for Harry. Because she probably wanted to be with him. It had been her choice. 

Tom got to his room, still blurry, he’d ignored Harrison, not because he wanted to but because he really couldn’t hear anything, his buzzing ears were not letting him. A headache was growing and he was slowly catching back his breath as he sat down on his bed. and when all his senses were coming back he saw an envelope.

The story had come alive. That was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Hadn’t he wanted all that his whole life? For his brother to be happy. 

Then why the hell did he not want this? How selfish of Tom to be brokenhearted when he had no rights to. This was the way it was meant to be. 

It would take him a few days, or months, or years even. He really didn’t want to see it. He needed to get used to the idea that Harry had kissed y/n. And he needed to get used to the idea of that. He knew he needed to get used to the idea that this was how it was supposed to be, the way it led there. 

He saw his tv, paused on something. Maybe he had learned the wrong lesson. To fall into the shallow. But it didn’t make any sense. Harrison had told him she had been there before, had she been there to tell Tom how she was choosing Harry? 

He shouldn’t have tried anything. Because his brother still loved y/n, if Harry had kissed y/n it had to mean that he still had feelings for him. 

Nothing mattered, not even his heartbreak now. Because it hadn’t been Tom, y/n wasn’t supposed to love Tom. That’s a tragedy. 

It’s clear they deserved each other, they were perfect together. Not Tom and y/n, no. That’s why throughout these years, they hadn’t worked out. Because they had always been at war, and they weren’t meant to be. 

They deserved each other. 

He stared at the envelope, ‘Tom’. That’s all it read. Her handwriting. He didn’t want to read it. A box, with his name. 

The same box he’d seen in her room, the one box that he had wanted to open. But now he only wanted to throw it away. 

How long had it been since their last kiss? It should’ve lasted longer, at least he would’ve made it worth it. It had been 16 hours, and three weeks, that’s how long it had been. But now it didn’t matter. Now he could be free knowing that she’d chosen him. Now he could ignore her, and now he didn’t need all the information she had from her. 

He could stop pretending that he loved The Rolling Stones, and he could have dates that didn’t involve ‘a movie moment’, he could go out and have fun. He didn’t have to carry that stupid polaroid everywhere. He could go back to fancy restaurants, and not have to pretend he loved street hot dogs. And he could go back to not try and over analyse props on films, and he could go back to have it all simple. He didn’t have to remember the perfect pancake recipe, and he didn’t have to buy any more 80’s like clothes. 

He didn’t have to pretend he cared anymore.

But he had to pretend he didn’t. Because he cared, and he did love all that stuff. 

He looked up to his nightstand, yellow flowers and lavenders. And he thought about the ashes in his drawer. 

He turned the TV off and opened the box. The first thing he saw was a bunch of papers. The script, printed. He picked it up and then opened his window, would he throw it all away? He gave it a second thought and then slammed it to the floor. 

He sighed, took the flowers and then the script, he headed to the kitchen. He searched for a lighter and stared at the flowers and the papers, this probably was an inefficient way of accepting an apology. Maybe he was being cynical but he really didn’t want to see the flowers, and he knew that her apology wasn’t even real. He didn’t want to know what they meant. 

He hated this. Because he shouldn’t be feeling this way, and though he wanted to be happy for his brother, Tom really wished it had been him. And he had believed it, that it would be them. And all he had to treasure now was New York. 

And Rome. Rome. 

Stupid to think that. 

He wouldn’t do that again, because Tom was well aware of why he’d gone to Rome. Maybe he had been jealous, and selfish, and stupid. Yes, stupid.  Because he had gone to Rome with a stupid excuse, a photoshoot. It wasn’t true. He had gone to search for her because she had been right, he couldn’t stand it, because he was arrogant and selfish and envious, and he loved her too much. 

Rome had been a fairytale, even prettier than New York. So intimate, that’s probably when it should’ve started, it could’ve been prettier. Because somehow he had known that New York would be their downfall. In New York, they had touched their bodies, but in Rome, they had touched their souls. And they hadn’t even kissed. That’s how pretty it had been. 

And it had all started as a dream. 

Rome and New York were so different. New York was them trying to make up for all the times they could’ve kissed, and Rome felt like a summer breeze. And he still remembered that it was the time he knew he’d love her his whole life. With that pretty dress as she was holding her wine glass up, the sun hitting her face perfectly, with those red lips of her. Her laugh still echoed in his mind now and then. 

A picture-perfect day. He knew that a polaroid of that day probably was hanging around her bedroom. In that alley, walls covered with plants build up until the roof with the chairs that never. A little restaurant, best pasta he’d ever had. The prettiest laugh he’d ever heard. But it had never been his. 

He had been so selfish. Taking her away from Harry. And he wouldn’t do it again. No. Not again. 

He needed to set it all on fire, the flowers and the script. He ignored Harrison again as he walked outside, ready to burn them. To erase the story, this was Tom burning their story. He didn’t want to read it ever again. 

And he knew that it would leave a scar, and he knew that the ashes would stain, but they’d fade away with the wind. He’d had to wake up alone for a while. Did he have to do it now? Did he have to wait until he wasn’t as angry? 

He sat in his garden, not ready to do it. He wasn’t ready to erase her. He didn’t want to. 

But he picked up the first page, and he started to light it up in fire, seeing how it was dwindling. 

“She didn’t kiss me back,” a voice said. 

And Tom swore he had felt like a knife had been stabbed right on his back. He knew whose voice it was. He didn’t want to acknowledge he was there. 

“Tom.” 

Tom stayed quiet and then picked up the second page, but he didn’t light this one up. He saw Tess had approached him, she was back. And that only confirmed it. 

“She loves you. You know?” Harry pushed again. 

Tom pursed his lips, as he stared at the lighter. He kept quiet. 

“Don’t burn it.” 

Tom turned to his brother. How stupid it was they were fighting for a girl. 

“And do you love her?” Tom asked. 

Harry sat across him. “I don’t know.” 

That was the answer he didn’t need to hear. 

Tom looked up. He hadn’t really talked to Harry. They’ve said ‘sorry’, and then ignored each other. He knew his relationship with his brother was bruised forever. How would Harry forgive him? He probably wouldn’t. And could he forgive him for kissing y/n? But Harry didn’t have to apologize to him.

“I don’t know,” Harry repeated. “I thought….” He sighed. “All my life I thought it would feel different.” 

Tom stayed quiet. 

“Dunno why I did that,” Harry gulped her. “The worst thing that could happen to me was losing her and now I pushed her out. 

Tom watched him. 

“Now she’ll be a stranger, huh, we can’t fix this,” Harry gulped. “She gave this to me,” he said showing the same bunch of papers that Tom had received this morning. Harry took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have done it.” 

“What?” 

“Kissing her. I guess I thought I would lose nothing. I knew I’d lost her already and I lost Emma.” 

“You haven’t lost Emma.” 

Harry smiled sadly. “She gave the ring back,” he shook his head. “I don’t blame her. I was still confused.” Harry scowled. “Well, I dunno. I guess Emma realized it, and I blame myself, I always did give it to Y/N. I know I always moved mountains for her, and I can’t blame Emma. And I can’t believe I made Emma feel less important, and I wouldn’t blame her. No, I can’t believe I let the love of my life go for something that I knew would never grow. And I didn’t… I didn’t do it for that, you know?” 

Tom looked down at the script he was about to burn. 

“But after years of loving someone knowing that at some point they loved you… It’s scary, and stupid and you hate timing, of course, I’d be confused. And It wasn’t like I wanted to be with her, you know? And I can’t believe I did that, because I want her to be happy, and I wanted you to be happy, hell we shouldn’t even have… I dunno, Tom.” 

“I shouldn’t have dated her,” Tom said. 

“No, that’s where you’re fucking wrong, Tom, when you love someone you do something about it,” Harry said. “You don’t--You don’t have to wait, look at the mess that comes when you don’t say what you really mean.” 

“How do you really feel about her?” Tom asked. 

“I don’t know. I guess I always wondered how she felt about me. She always felt guilty, I know that, I could see it, how any time I tried to make a move, she’d feel guilty. Just like she did today as if she felt bad that she can’t reciprocate. I think she forced herself back before Rome, as if she was trying to accept it, it didn’t feel… natural. Not even for me, even today, when I kissed her it felt… Weird.” 

Tom frowned. 

“And we’ve made a mess, and… I don’t know.” 

“How did it feel weird?” asked Tom. 

Harry was sad, Tom could tell his brother was probably trying to hide away the fact that he probably was broken-hearted too.  Somehow, he felt that his brother was lying. Tom knew his brother, and Tom knew that Harry didn’t mean what he was saying. 

“It was gross,” Harry said after a while, probably trying to word it outright. Because he had seen Harry’s stress fade away when his lips had landed on y/n’s. Harry hid his hands in his pockets. 

“What?” Tom frowned. 

“I kissed her and it was gross,” Harry snapped, clenched his jaw. He fidgeted with his hand.  “She didn’t kiss back and I have no…. Feelings for her. I know that. And she doesn’t love me.” 

Harry was lying. Clearly. 

Tom watched him and pointed at the script. “Read that.” 

Harry shrugged. “I only read the ending,” He explained. “And judging by your reaction it’s exactly what you didn’t read.” 

Tom crossed his arms. “She wanted it to be you.” 

Harry shook his head. “But it isn’t.” 

“And do you want to be?” Tom asked. 

Harry shook his head looking down. “I know she wants it to be you,” He explained.

“But do you still love her?” 

“I think I’m never going to stop loving her, really,” Harry said. “It’s been years for me, don’t know how long it’s been for you, but feelings never really fade away. They transform. I think… I don’t know, I’ve made a fool out of myself for her and I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go. I don’t know.  I’ve spent my whole life crushing on her eyes, and her smile, memorizing every single thing about her, her favorite songs, her favorite films. Knowing how to make her laugh, and knowing who made her cry. If she likes silver earrings or gold ones, it depends on her dress. The way that she drinks coffee in the morning and tea in the afternoon, two cups if it’s raining. I know which song I can play to make her dance and I know that she is so stubborn, that even if she won’t like an ice cream, she’ll try it anyway the very next day.” Harry nodded slowly, to himself. “I know that she still sleeps with that plush frog and if she travels or forgets it, she’ll end up hugging a pillow.” 

Tom didn’t know what to say. His brother knew y/n, perfectly. And he was right, he’d seen y/n lookout for a pillow in her sleep to hug, a small pillow even if she was holding Tom, she’d always unconsciously search for a small pillow. 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about her, Tom,” Harry gulped. “How many poems she’s written about you, and how many times she’s cancelled plans for you. I know why she didn’t show up to the premiere that one time. I know her first kiss wasn’t that Nicholas guy, and I know she always ends up buying the same shade of red lipstick every now in a while, and that she always ends up boxing them.” Harry bit his lip. “I know that her most sincere smile came the day you took her to prom, and I know that she really did love you and she’ll keep choosing you.” 

Tom looked away. 

“Do I love her? I don’t know. But if you’re asking if the kiss could lead to anything more, no, it wouldn’t from me and it wouldn’t from her. Because we both know she’ll end up choosing you.” 

Harry walked away Leaving Tom confused. This wasn’t his brother’s fault. Maybe y/n’s. Probably y/n’s. 

“But yes,” Harry sighed. “I still love her, always will.” 

“You fucking lied you know?” Tom said. “To me, to y/n, to Emma. Especially to Emma. You still love y/n. “ 

Harry stopped as if he was going to turn and say something, he didn’t, he kept walking. 

Tom didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t want to know it, he was not going to do anything. What was there to do? 

But she hadn’t kissed Harry back. Tom watched Harry leave, and then stared at the script. He didn’t want to think about it. Had Harry given him his blessing? And did he even want it? Did he want to go back to that place with y/n?

He didn’t want to read the script, though. Not even if the ending changed everything. He really didn’t want to go there, not right now at least.

 He needed time. So he’d take even more days. She didn’t reach out for him. He didn’t reach out for her. 

Both of them were quiet. Very, very quiet. He didn’t know if it hurt him more that she hadn’t told him anything about it. Or if he understood it, did she have to tell him anything?

Maybe she didn’t want to. 

Because Harry had spoken for himself, but Harry didn’t know if nothing had been awakened on y/n. Maybe y/n had had her own explanation. 

Tom had his, though. Maybe Harry hadn’t done much because he knew y/n was in love with Tom. But Harry didn’t know how y/n had wanted it to be y/n. 

Y/N eventually called him. 

He didn’t answer. 

And she called again. 

He didn’t answer. 

And again.

Maybe she gave up. 

But she left a voicemail. Tom didn’t listen to it. Because why the hell should he? 

He had let the flowers die. He hadn’t burned them. He had ignored it. A dvd, a box and an envelope. 

And he had purposefully avoided them, because he still had something to look up for. It wasn’t a memory, it was something he could still look forward to. But he was curious. Very, very curious. Why had y/n bothered to bring her box to him. 

And it bothered him. He had asked Haz when she’d brought it. And it made sense that she had closed the door to Tom. But what the hell was on it? 

He couldn’t help himself, he opened it, but then he closed it again. He was furious, defeated. 

He opened it again. And it hurt, opening it. Polaroids, from their dates in New York, from Rome, and the first polaroid from two months ago, with Tom smiling as he was eating a pancake, another one from the time Tom asked her out,  lipsticks,a beer bottle from that lunch with their parents, a napkin that had ‘NY hot dogs’ written on it, the  plane ticket from their first date, a baseball she’d bought after that other one, a dried out yellow flower, pebbles, more pictures,, a drawing, movie tickets, a spiderman toy, a broken teacup from that time they were kids and Tom had accidentally stepped on it, an xbox broken controller, he remembered it, perfectly the controller that had stopped working right after their first kiss. 

A lego piece, a Barbie-- he remembered that one, he’d cut her hair and y/n had cried. And many, many more things that were only tokens… For what? 

Tokens of their… relationship. As he was taking out each and every object he was reminded of every single thing.  As if every time he touched an object, a memory flooded his brain. The yellow flowered dress she’d worn to Harry's party was the one that hurt the most.  A wine bottle, a beer cap . Lipsticks, many lipsticks.  An old lighter.  The Sour Patch empty bag from that same night at the hotdogs…. 

Maybe Tom was wrong, maybe their story wasn’t New York and maybe their story wasn’t only Rome.  For how long had she built this? 

He kept going through it, toys from their childhood, a package of cigarettes, a hair comb and… 

A pregnancy test?

A pregnancy test.

A pregnancy test! 

Tom suddenly felt cold as he saw it laying down on that corner of the box, waiting for it to be seen. He didn’t want to see it. Was she pregnant? 

Was this… Was he going to be a dad? He had to take care of her, and the baby. Was this her way of telling him? And how would it work? Did they have to make it work? What the hell was he going to do? 

But it couldn’t be. 

No, but it could. 

“Fuck.” 

It didn’t make any sense. But  it could make sense. They hadn’t really stopped… New York had been fun. But had it been? 

But fuck, this couldn’t…  It could be. But why hadn’t she told him before? How the hell… When had she found out? He had been an idiot for waiting so long. Maybe he should call her. What was he even going to tell her? He was sweating cold. He would take care of them, but fuck, how complicated would it be? And poor baby, the whole story their parents had. Fuck, this was going to be difficult. 

He blinked as he slowly reached out for it. He felt it. That fear.  But… a baby could solve their problems, but what king of bloody thinning was that? 

And he finally reached for it, snatching it quickly and bringing it up to his sight. 

One lined. It was negative. 

And Tom felt a relief. Not because he didn’t want to be a father, but because his relationship with her was too complicated and adding a baby would ruin everything, or would it? Was he really thinking about that? 

He couldn’t have a baby, for god’s sake. No, he couldn’t. He wouldn’t, though. He didn’t have to worry about that. 

He laughed, slightly. He knew y/n, she probably had done this exactly to get that reaction. But it hurt, to think she was giving all of this back. Because that meant she didn’t want to have them anymore. 

He looked up for the DVD next.  He decided to play it. 

It felt weird. 

“Hello! This is y/n!” An old video started. With barely any resolution, as  a young, probably 4 year old y/n was speaking to the camera, her face too close, and her lips purple stained. 

Tom sat on his bed, staring at the video in front of him. 

She lifted up the almost finished purple popsicle, and pointed behind her. “There’s Tom, ugly Tom,” she said as she moved to her hand  to angle just slightly right  to show Tom sucking on a blue popsicle. “There’s—Jamesy!” She said as she pointed the camera to her brother, too busy away kicking a football. “He’s playing! And  I’m here—So I stole my mum’s new—campera—camra, camera, and we’re gonna—“ 

“Bloooooooooooop!” Tom has snatched the camera from her as he recorded his face just as he ran away. 

“Tooom, no, give it back, it’s mine!” Y/N could be seen running after him. 

“It’s not, it’s not!” Tom laughed. “Too slow, y/n!”

Y/N was already tearing up. “Tom!” 

“It’s mine!” Tom laughed.

“Tom give it back!” She continued, and the young innocent voice faded away and grew into a deeper voice.

“Tom give  it back—“an older y/n appeared on the screen now, from a few weeks ago. Back in New York, on set, as Tom was running away with her phone. “give me my phone back.” 

This had been just weeks before, when her smile still made him smile. When he wasn’t a fool. 

“No,” he lifted the phone out of her reach. The sight of Tom watching her, as she walked over.

“Thomas,” she laughed. “Can you give it back?” 

“What for? you were already recording my pretty face, I’m only helping you!” He laughed as he scrunched his nose to the camera. “I don’t even know what kind of vid you want here, so I’ll just—“

“Baby!” She complained as she tried to reach for it. 

He smirked as he turned to her. “Baby? Oh, so I’m baby now,” he grinned. “You’ve never called me baby.” 

She blushed, instantly. “Give it back, dumbass.” 

“That sounds more like you.” 

“Can I have my phone back?” She asked, Tom grinned as he walked to her. 

“Yeah,” he smirked. “I’ll only just—“he pointed the camera at her face, she tried to snatch it away. “Can you wait? A second?” 

She laughed and crossed her arms. Tom only pointed the camera at them before placing a long kiss to her lips. 

“oh—shit, oh shit, shit, shit, y/n and Tom are kissing. Fucking hell!” A voice said over their kiss, before switching to the video it belonged to. 

The prom kiss, a Snapchat video from someone who had been coincidentally recording the part. Y/N and Tom in a little corner as they kept kissing. 

“It’s y/n and Tom, right? Yessss bloody hell!” “Bloody hell!” “Tom—and y/n—“

“Tom and y/n!” The voice said as it turned yet into a different video. “They’re dancing—“ Elaine’s voice was speaking now. 

“They’re adorable,” Nikki's voice said on camera. 

“They’re not fighting!” 

It had been at that wedding, when y/n looked adorable with that pink dress. 

Tom remembered that night. It was the night he finally admitted it out loud to himself. “I like y/n.” Shortly after the first yellow flowers. 

And they were dancing. Children being silly, holding hands but throwing them up in the air. 

“But they’re dancing!” Elaine commented again. 

And as Tom twirled y/n, another video appeared. A most recent one, too. When they had been sillying around at Tom’s dance rehearsal. After their Dirty Dancing moment. 

“Okay, y/n,” the choreographer said. “Come here, Tom, pretend she’s Maddie.” 

“Why would I do that?” Tom laughed, as he brought her close to him. “And how would I? Y/N here is a terrible dancer.” 

She chuckled. “Shut up!” 

“Unless she’s drunk,” Tom pointed out. 

Tom kept watching the video, videos of them transitioning from children, to teenage years, to Rome, to New York, to everything. As if the videos proved how they hadn’t changed, just transformed. 

Feelings never fade away. 

Tom wasn’t even watching it. What was the point of that? Why did he… feel like this? He finally opened the envelope. A few pages. At first, Tom thought it was a script. It wasn’t. It was… a letter.

Dear Tom, Hello, To you, 

Tom. 

Yes, I’m sticking with that one. Sorry if I scratch things. Sorry for the bad orthography, grammar or the unfinished thoughts. No, that’s not the thing I should be apologizing for, but it’s a beginning. I’m writing this from my heart and I am trying to write this as sincerely as possible. It’s what you deserve. I initially wanted to think all of this through but I realized that if I let the pen flow, I’ll get to say everything I want to say. I also thought I would try and tell all of this in person but I’m afraid you won’t listen to everything I want to say. This is easier. 

You know me. I always have second thoughts and I never do anything that isn’t premeditated. This was the most spontaneous thing I could do, I just picked up the first paper I saw, so yes, it’s stained with coffee. 

How does one even begin to write a letter? This is not the kind of stuff I like doing. I’m not good at this. Hell, I don’t know if you’ll even read this. I don’t know if you watched it. That DVD. Hope you did. I really hope you’re watching it. 

Though it might be stupid and cheesy and probably not really the romantic gesture you’d expect from me, I have no choice. Because I’m really trying to prove a point here. 

I initially thought I would write a script, you know, write a story  to make you understand my point of view, but now I barely want to, a script ruined the best thing I ever had. But I guess, it also started it. 

I wish I’d told you sooner and I really wish it hadn’t started that way, but it made it start. 

You see, that script is the biggest con I’ve ever tricked myself into, making myself believe I would be doing it for a stupid script, when in reality, I guess it’s all I wanted, for you to fall in love with me. I shielded myself saying I would break your heart, I shielded myself saying it was only for the sake of my job. When it really wasn’t. It was me trying to give it another chance. I blew it all up. 

And yes. I did write I wanted to break your heart. I don’t even know why. Why did I have to break what I love so much? 

Want to know a secret? I never knew how I would do that. My “plan” went as far as to make you fall in love with me, no further shenanigans, because, really, that’s all I really wanted. I didn’t know how I’d break your heart. I didn’t have any plans because I knew I really didn’t want to. I only wanted you to love me.

Hope you did. 

Hope you didn’t, too. Because if you didn’t, then I will at least pretend I didn’t hurt you as much. 

I know I did. And it’s fucked up, very fucked up. 

I’ve been struggling to find the right words to tell you. I know sorry won’t cut it. It’s not enough. 

And since I know you don’t read until the end, I am really doubting if I’ll give this to you. It’s not on you, I wouldn’t have read it. Maybe I’m just writing for myself, probably. But it helps. I’ve never been good with words, which is ironic, I’m a screenwriter, or I pretended to be one, I guess. You know me, I’m more about moments. I’m more about little details. 

I did send you the script, though. It’s in that box. It’s yours. Keep it. Burn it. Rip it off. Do whatever you want with it. I don’t blame you. 

It’s yours. 

But it’s there. With a lot of other things. Things that finally explained something I haven’t understood for a while. Until now. 

I think that among these years, I’ve found myself in a predicament. You’ve seen it. You’ve heard it. And I’m pretty sure you’ve said it. 

I don’t love who I’m supposed to love. 

That’s the reason behind it right? I’d like to think so. 

That’s what they said, right? I don’t love who I’m supposed to. Not the perfect guy, not the guy who’s been there all along. 

And everyone said it, you should date him, that guy it’s your endgame. But I didn’t—feel it. 

Maybe for a bit, I did. But I ended up coming back to you. 

I didn’t love who I was supposed to love. And that’s what the script said, too. I don’t love the guy who has danced with me under the rain, or the guy who’s taken the best picture of me under the rain too. 

No. I love the guy who’s probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and who’ll probably be away most of the time.  I love the guy who was the storm. 

But I still love him. So dearly. And so much. And I miss him. I really miss you. 

And I’m sorry. 

Really sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. I can’t believe I fucked up that much. 

I am the monster. Not you. I fucked up. And I can’t blame you if you don’t ever want to see me again, I understand it. And I won’t blame you if you burn this. I can’t blame you, I’d probably do the same. 

But I’m sorry. 

I can’t believe I did this to you, the love of my life. 

But it all comes to that. Doesn’t it? 

I don’t love who I’m supposed to love. 

Except, Tom. I do. That’s what we’ve both got wrong. I do love who I’m supposed to love. 

Searching through our memories, I wanted to build up the puzzle, understand every situation that’s led us to where we are now. To two very broken hearts. To lost battles. To understand why I loved someone who has crushed my heart into tiny little pieces, throw it into the ground and then step on it. 

You read it, how I described you. How I described what I was doing. How I said you were a monster. How you hurt me. How you were only my… 

Perfidy. 

1: the quality or state of being faithless or disloyal: TREACHERY. 

2: an act or an instance of disloyalty

3: deceitfulness; untrustworthiness.

It’s a war concept, it was used to refer to someone who won someone’s trust only to betray them. Must like us. 

We don’t make sense, do we? 

 I tried to understand a lot about us, and I think I’ve found the answer. It’s complicated, bare with me, and please, this time, keep reading. I can’t afford losing you to another unfinished story. I already lost you, I know.

I know where we went wrong. 

We thought of each other as a war, a game, a prank, an apology. And we didn’t have to, that’s where we went wrong. I guess we really were blinded by the idea of a sworn enemy that we walked in thinking this was a war and waiting for the other one to shoot first, when nobody should’ve shot. 

All is fair in love and war. But don’t get those two mixed up, because then, it’ll be all unfair. 

That’s our problem, you even said it, a war song reminded you of me, I used to describe you with a war concept. 

We thought this was war Tom. And it shouldn’t have been. It didn’t feel like one. 

And I don’t even know what to tell you now. This wasn’t a war zone. We were wrong. We didn’t have to be careful, we didn’t have to. And I shouldn’t have pulled the perfect perfidy. 

But after years of battles, did we expect not to? 

The fact that you love me, if you do, and I really hope you do,  doesn't change the fact that you hurt me. I think that’s the best thing we can do for now, accept the fact that we’ve both hurt each other so much. 

I did write you were a monster. And yes, most things in the script are true.  I guess I have to acknowledge it. I own it, I wrote it. 

Yes. I love you. 

But I can’t pretend I didn’t cry for months, I can’t pretend that night at the club I felt like the whole world tumbled upon me. Because it did. And you know it. I can’t pretend I wasn’t diagnosed with a broken heart and I can’t pretend that I really started this thinking you’ll do it again. 

I can’t pretend I was alright, and that your name didn’t feel like a dagger for a while. 

It would be stupid for me if I said you never hurt me. And I know, I know, I fucked up this time. This time was on me, but Tom, really.  How many times did I not cry for you? 

How many times did I not trash my room because it had you all over the place? I can’t pretend that didn’t happen.

Yes, the script narrated that. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. 

But I also can’t pretend that I won’t come back to you.  I can't pretend I don’t love you. Because I do, and I loved every single kiss. I can’t pretend all those good times didn’t happen. 

And yet, even after every battle. I come back to you. Because I am supposed to love you. 

And I tried to build it up. And you know what? It makes sense. 

I don’t know if you’ve seen the DVD, in my stupid mind, because you know me, everything is for the story, the aesthetic, but in my mind the DVD is playing right as you read this, in the background. Maybe you look up a little, smile at something and turn back. You probably aren’t. You probably won’t. 

He was, actually. The video stayed in the background. He looked up to see it, 

“So we’re here at y/n’s 18th birthday party. She’s currently sober. As your biggest enemy y/n I need to have on record on how you’ll get wasted.” 

“Shut up dumbass.” 

“You shut up idiot!”Tom said. 

“Shut up!” Another Tom appeared on camera, turning to a different video, of her dorm room in Rome, Tom was by the window. 

“No no, sing again I want to hear you sing,” y/n said behind the camera. She approached him, and opened the window. 

“I’m not going to sing,” Tom warned again. 

“Come on, everyone in Rome wants to listen to you,” she laughed as she stuck her phone out from the window, recording the beautiful afternoon in the italian city. 

“No.” 

“Ah, come on, maybe go downstairs and serenade me,” she suggested. 

We haven’t changed Tom. Or maybe we have, for the better. But I hope you see it, I am supposed to love you. 

And I know you probably want me to go fuck myself, I get it. Maybe this letter will be burned. 

I’d do it. 

Like those yellow flowers you gave me. I shouldn’t have burnt all of them. Should’ve kept one. 

But that DVD, it shows it. You are the guy I was supposed to fall in love with, we’ve built it upon our whole lives. Or maybe we were destined to tumble down. You choose. 

I really like to think we are both so stupid that we are meant to be. Maybe that’s toxic. 

Probably, yes. 

But we have to change it, don’t we? Maybe not. 

But we did change it. It just took me a few minutes to realize we transformed all the bad things into good things. 

And hell, they were very nice, while it lasted, weren’t they? 

We’re the same stupid kids, Tom. 

Either we’ve hated each other our whole lives and we fucked up by falling in love. Or we were madly in love and fucked up by hating each other. 

Either way, we fucked up. 

I also gave you a box, yes that same box you saw in my bedroom, it has your name and it’s scratched and ripped, a little. You don’t know how many times I’ve had to hide that box. And I’ve kicked it and I’ve repaired it. 

Inside you will find more of the puzzle I solved.  Polaroids,  picture-perfect memories, an empty box of pasta, lipsticks, a beer cap, that yellow-flowered dress I wore that day. Everything that’s led us here.  Memories that I used to either remind myself that you were stupid, or that I was stupidly in love with you. 

I hope you remember most of the stories. I know I do. They’ve built us up to who we were. Like that broken teacup, that teacup was around the time I was about 5, maybe 6.  It was kind of the first time you made me cry, ugly cry. 

There’s that Xbox controller that stopped working before our first kiss. Do you remember it? That’s why you were the only one playing. 

It’s weird now that I think about it. And stupid, how I’ve been in love with the guy who gave me my first kiss for my whole life. Sounds pathetic out of context. Maybe even more with context. 

Don’t know if you found the pregnancy test. If not, there’s one in there. Yes, I was scared, it was a few days ago, I was so bloody scared, a baby? Having a baby? At first, I thought, it doesn’t make any sense but it would, considering our… routine in New York. But it was negative. Hurray, I guess. 

And yes, a dried out yellow flower. No, you didn’t give me that one. You know it, I’ve never kept any yellow flowers you’ve given me, ones I threw them away, the second ones I gave them back and we know what happened to the third one. So no, you didn’t give me the yellow flower on that box. That one. It’s got a story. After Rome, yes. I once stared at that box, and I promised myself I wouldn’t fall in love with you. I broke my promise. I never fell out of love. 

And I remember one day, I was with Timothée, actually. We were on a date, and I remember the day was so bright, the sun was shining again. After all those grey storms, the sun had come out again. I was smiling, I was laughing again. 

Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to again. I’m sure of this, I’m never going to New York again. 

But I was with Timmy that day, we were in that café I used to go with him, outside. I had noticed from the early beginning of the date that we were sitting by near a kid with a spiderman t-shirt. I didn’t really think of you at that time, I kept on with my date. I did… feel something, maybe a little jump inside of me. I remember I ignored it. 

Because... I was so happy, genuinely happy.  I thought I had come out of the tunnel. Didn’t want to ruin it. And I remember as I saw the vase on our table,  full of yellow flowers. I cried instantly. Couldn’t explain it to Timmy at the time, but I did take it out and kept it. 

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? The power the flowers have. I cried while I got the ones I sent you. 

I guess that’s why I used that yellow-flowered dress. I don’t know. I was trying to tell you I wanted to turn it into something beautiful. 

You know, Tom. Whenever I used to think of you initially I thought into frogs, yellow flowers and my hair being pulled. Broken tea cups, and stupid games that would get me full of dirt. 

Then it changed, to a first kiss, dancing to an 80’s song and late night with videogames. 

Then again it was prom night, with that pink dress I used, the first lipstick I had to box in here because I didn’t want to wear it anymore because you had kissed my lips while I was wearing it, and you guessed it, yellow flowers. 

For a while, it was a mix of all of that, you bothering me, a kiss, unusable lipsticks, yellow flowers, dancing, frogs. Endless discussions, broken bones. Stupid, silly things. 

For a while to think of you,  it meant pain, yellow flowers, a nightclub and Rome. 

I thought that would never change anymore. 

But look at me now, whenever I think of you I think of pancakes, yes my favorite food, Of an elevator, dirty dancing, again an 80’s song, and laughing, and kissing, and other stuffing. 

Sometimes what you expect never comes, but it’s the unexpected that changes your life. All I knew the day after we said you loved me was that I needed to be there forever. And I already know your worst, but hell, I wish I can still learn your best. You feel like home, Tom. You feel like it’s raining outside, and you feel like a crowded buzzing city, with people rushing, but you feel like coming back home to a warm pair of arms. 

And I really hate that you had to see my worst when I should’ve given you my very best. 

And now I won’t have that box, and I’ll give back every polaroid because I don't want them haunting them, and because I don’t need anything to remind me that I fucked up, because I know I won’t have you anymore. 

How am I supposed to deal with this? 

I don’t know if I can live with this, knowing you’ve touched and kissed spots the sun has yet to see, and it probably won’t ever see them. You’re a fast learner, you know? You knew every single beauty spot, even the ones I didn't know I had, you’ve learned them. The most sensible and subtle touch, the sensitive cardinal points. Underneath our clothes, under the sheets, you learned my story how am I supposed to live with this? Knowing that my body will now remind me of you? How stupid does that sound? You know it now Tom. I’ll never go to war again, I’ll never shoot again. I promise. 

If it’s not clear yet...

It’s you. It’s always been you. No matter how cheesy it sounds, it’s you and I don’t want to hide it. Because you own it, you know?  the place where my thoughts hide. My thoughts, my heart, fuck, even my body now. It should’ve been an endless story, and maybe it is. And now I know I’ll keep seeing you everywhere, because I’ll be able to smell your skin in some of my clothes. And I know I’ll see your shadow in the moonlight, and I know I won’t be able to sleep now that I can’t hear your heartbeat next to mine. 

And I won’t pretend I’m alright this time. I don’t think I’ll be able to. 

And I’m sorry, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve explained it to you sooner. But right now, I doubt there’s anything I can say now. I think all apologies are worn out. We’ve been good at apologies. But we are gone, aren’t we? 

And though I still want to fight for this, I still would go to war for you, I don’t want to stay in a narrative that includes hurting. I don’t want to stay in a narrative where I’m fighting for an ending that won’t be read. I’m choosing to stay away, maybe we’ll write a different ending next time, not right now, because I can’t afford living knowing I ruined the amazing relationship the love of my life and my best friend have. And though I know I’m losing you both, I’d rather stick with more good memories than bad ones. 

I don’t even know what I wrote here, I don't know if it’s too much or maybe it’s not enough, I just wrote for the first time something spontaneous. 

I don’t want to promise I’ll stay away, I’m not good at keeping promises. I just want you to know that I really liked our film, I’m just going to pretend it never ended. In my mind, we will be infinite, everlasting. And maybe in another story, in another script, I’ll find a way to make you stay this time, and we will find a way to get out of the warzone. 

With love, 

y/n. 

Tom finished the letter as he hunched his shoulders, the DVD had kept on playing and he looked up just to get the last stone to hit him. 

“The princess?” A younger y/n asked, to yet another video, this one seemed different. Not recorded by their parents. “Alright, so the princess is going to…save the prince!” Y/n explained to Tom. “Because she is in love with him!” 

“Why does it have to be a princess?” Tom frowned. “Why not be a superhero! Besides, it should be me who saves the damsel!” Tom pushed. 

“This is my movie, Thomas,” y/n complained. She was wearing her yellow princess dress. 

“This is my movie, Thomas,” he mimicked. He groaned. “Why can’t I be the dragon? Why does Sam get to be the dragon?” 

“Because you’re the prince!” Y/n said with a bright smile. 

He took the script off her  hands. “What does it even say?” He asked as he read it. “This is stupid!” 

“No, it’s not!” 

Tom frowned. “Why would we kiss?” He wrinkled his nose as he stuck his tongue out. 

“Because we like each other.” 

And then it faded out. It had all been so quickly. And Tom had to think about it. If they loved each other. Why the hell wouldn't they kiss? Why the hell couldn’t they be together? It didn’t take him more than two minutes to stand up and decidedly go and look out for her. He had made one quick stop, but then he had rushed to her building. He had used the stairs, the elevator had taken too long. He couldn’t wait to see her. 

And when it hadn’t been her, the one who had opened the door, Tom didn’t know how he was feeling. 

“Oh, another one with flowers, great,” The girl said, she had a clearly not british accent. She looked very similar to y/n though. 

“What?” Tom asked. “I’m sorry, who are you?” 

“Yes, first one brought peonies, second one daisies and you… what are these?” 

“I don’t… I don’t know,” Tom gulped. “I’m… Where’s y/n?” 

“Seems like we have… Chamomile, primroses, evening primroses that is, and… Heleniums,” The girl pointed out as he stared at the flowers Tom was holding. “Huh, what’s up with y/n having three hot guys bringing her flowers, girl is lucky.” 

“Who--who are you?” 

“I’m y/n’s cousin, Cherry, nice to meet you, Tom I presume.” 

Tom blinked, in shock. “Where’s y/n?” 

“She’s gone now, buddy. Left London this morning.” 

The end? 

previous chapter Perennial-Prologue series masterlist

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[dex-xe]

I’ve made Spotify playlists inspired by each of the ghosts and I’ve made these little written pieces to talk about them. if you wanna read them, please go ahead - if not then enjoy the music!!

This is Kitty’s playlist:

Best Friend - Rex Orange County

Kitty’s friendliness is just so sweet to me like I love that after a few episodes Alison accepts Kitty as a good friend but like before that when Kitty wants a sleepover which Alison basically denies her, I’m like O.o Kitty pls be my best friend ily!!

Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart & Géza Anda

I wanted to include at least a little bit of music from each of the ghosts time frame so I decided on a little bit of Mozart for Kitty - who, given when she lived and the familial culture at the time, probably played an instrument with piano being entirely probable.

Wildest Dreams - Duomo

I wanted to include at least one Bridgerton song for Kitty because I mean it’s obvious how influential issues brought up in the show would be on Kitty’s life. She was alive just before Bridgerton is set (1813 - Kitty died in the late 1700s) so I think she’d appreciate the modern song with a twist, and obviously she’d love the all the dances and everything.

Walking On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves

An easy choice. I mean, it’s literally the go to song for people who are incredibly happy and optimistic. I didn’t want to include tons of overly happy songs for Kitty because I find her overwhelming happiness to be tinged with such sadness — she’s positive to a fault and it’s so sad what she went through during her life but yeah it’s a nice song for her.

Forever Young - Alphaville

I read somewhere that Kitty is canonically a teenager - I don’t know if that’s true so if someone could enlighten me that would be really great. But yeah is Kitty the youngest ghosts, surely it’s her or Thomas right? Anyway, Kitty will be forever young and I find that a weird concept?? That’s my in depth analysis XD

Enter One - Sol Seppy

I have so so so so so so so so much love for this song I think it’s just gorgeous. Okay but like assuming Kitty grew up at Button House (or I assume Higham House at the time) then she would’ve grown up literally from a little kid in front of some of the other ghosts (Robin, Humphrey, Mary and Annie) so like they witnessed whatever trauma and/or neglect Kitty went through. Ages ago I read someone talking about the ghosts watching her grow up and then taking care of her for the first time after she died (I can’t find the post) so like this verse: “To a friend, A sister in need, Who is not alone, And they are surrounding her, And they will enfold her outstretched hand, In our love” is just so beautiful for that moment when they finally get to take her away from her family which I love and adore and uhhhhh it’s so good, it’s such a good song.

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

Okay from me legit crying over Kitty’s life and emotional stuff to just being like yeah this is a happy song and just something to dance to!!

Magnificent (She Says) - Elbow

This song just has gorgeous vibes and given that Kitty has just gorgeous vibes as well it was impossible for me not to include it.

Good Day - The Dresden Dolls

Someone suggested The Dresden Dolls for Kitty on my previous music post and I’d never heard of them before I’m a bit in love now… like the dark cabaret style and creepy sorta vocals and piano are just <3 <3 Like damn! And yeah I think this song is Kitty-like cause like when Alison was kinda ignoring her in ALN she got really upset as if this was a regular occurrence in her life as well like her sister or maybe her parents ignoring her in favour of her sister maybe??

Optimistic - Radiohead

“And remember: as long as you try your best.” I think that line is probably the moment of Kitty’s “personality introduction” so I kinda had to include something similar.

Devil Town - Cavetown

Okay I know this song is about parental divorce but I kinda like to apply it a bit more widely to broken families and dysfunctional households which Kitty obviously experienced. I think also the line “nevermind, I’ll settle for two birthdays” shows a kind of optimism in the face of family trauma and the acceptance that bad things often have to be spun in a positive light to cope with it.

growing up is getting old - VICTORIA

Kitty angst, Kitty angst, Kitty angst!!! After the episode descriptions we got today I am really really hoping for much more of a deep dive into Kitty’s emotions. I just want to know more about her life, and I just want the other ghosts to be protective and loving of her O.O

Stacking Chairs - Middle Kids

Kitty’s urge to be around Alison and do what’s best for her is just what I love more than anything. I really love that scene she has with the Captain where he’s like “you one Alison?” And “You want what’s best for her” like Cap/Kitty solidarity is what I live for (more to come in season 3????)

Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

I feel like with Alison arriving at the house Kitty finally has the opportunity to be a young woman again?? If that makes sense. Cause she’s been around generally older and predominantly male ghosts for a long time which is why I think she’s fixated on Alison so much because it’s the first time in centuries that she’s been around someone with similar interests etc as her. So yeah, like asking for the sleepover and wanting to talk about boys and stuff gives me Teenage Dream vibes.

In One Ear - Cage The Elephant

Like I said I didn’t want Kitty’s playlist to all be soft and sweet cause I feel like that’s kinda reducing everything about her into a little soft ball of syrup so yeah this song is sick and it’s basically about not caring what others say about you but yeah I like it!!

Would You Be So Kind - dodie

I had to include something dodie cause she’s just got that soft kind vibe. I don’t love many of her songs, it’s not really my style, but this (and In The Middle) are pretty good. Also I don’t think Kitty has much of a distinction between platonic and romantic love (same Kitty) and therefore this song is pretty fitting.

Amazing Grace - Judy Collins

If I could include Kitty’s ‘Amazing Kitty’, I definitely would cause that whole scene is just really funny. But like I said, I’m trying to include some music from when they would have lived and Amazing Grace is from the 1770s which is just when Kitty would’ve been born.

Happy - Pharrell Williams

An obvious choice but I wanted to talk about this a touch. My irl friend hates Kitty so much because she say she can’t stand people who are always happy and like infectiously positive all the time and literally every time Kitty is on screen she starts complaining and I find it so bizarre and like I’ve called her out a number of times like stfu but it’s constant. Like I find Kitty’s happiness kinda melancholy cause like she has so much to be sad about like her family and sister and stuff and I think learning more about in her life will just extend quite how sad her overt happiness actually is.

We’re Going to Be Friends - The White Stripes

Ngl I had no idea this was by The White Stripes before searching it up but apparently it is. It’s about like childhood friendship and nostalgia which I think is very right for Kitty as she works to try and make Alison her best friend after not having one during her life (and therefore relying on Florence the statue).

Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

This song just gives me major girly sleepover vibes which I think is quite fitting. I find it interesting that as soon as Alison can see the ghosts (and accepts that she can see them) the first thing Kitty asks of Alison is to have a sleepover, maybe she sees that as the true mark of friendship? Perhaps her sister was always having sleepovers with her friends and Kitty wanted to join? I want to know Kitty’s backstory more than anyones, I think she’s fascinating!!

[aparanoidelectrictoothbrush]

Des Rocs song ranking

@bridgeandtunnelblues thank you so much for making the picture for me <3 <3 <3

Extra notes + opinions below

1. Suicide Romantics - oh, ohohoho I love this song (obviously). The emotion in it all makes up for how quiet and a little empty it is for most of the song. And then it all kicks in at the end and every feeling from before is amplified 500% and it's PERFECT. Overall, very pretty emotional song and the final chorus convinced me that heaven is real and Des Rocs is our God.

2. Wayne - I'm still not quite sure if this counts as one of his more chaotic songs or not, but whatever it is, it's AMAZING. Originally the little talking bit before the chorus sorta pushed me away from it but it's grown on me and now I absolutely love it. Such high energy, I really like the rhyming in this song. I also can't stop singing the intro, it's becoming a problem.

3. Ruby With The Sharpest Lies - I have so much respect for this song. It sets out it's energy right at the start and sticks with it the whole song, and it works so well (I'm not able to write music that does that without it sounding plain or tiring, but maybe that's just my own problem). Just like Wayne, it's super addictive, I find myself idly singing it a lot because it stays stuck in my head for hours. Also, it's the only song on my playlist of songs that make me feel like a king.

4. MMC - Once upon a time there was a little bitch who stared at the Des Rocs profile on Spotify, just wanting to take a screenshot for a little joke, but his curiousity got the best of him. And there he was, listening to the chorus of this song and falling in love. I don't think Spotify could have picked a better song for me to be introduced with, its a perfect mix of my music tastes and Des' sound. Its mostly in S tier because of personal attachment. It's a lovely song, but the verses feel a little underwhelming and the change to the bridge can be a little jarring sometimes, but those are very small problems.

5. Give me the Night - Yeah, this song is pretty damn repetitive, but it's so funky... I really enjoy some of his more upbeat sounding sounds and this is a clear example. I can't help but dance when I hear this song, even if it's just a little squirm or something. The verses feel a little plain instrumental-wise but I really enjoy the vocals!!

6. This is our Life - Here's another song that impresses me with how it's together. The energy in the chorus and verses feel so different from each other but it ties together so well and..yea I'm not sure what else to say. Oh yeah, it's also got my favorite music video, mostly because of the awesome action but there's always extra points for floaty crown :)

7. Why Why Why - There are a couple songs that I feel define what Des Rocs' sound is to me, and this is one of them, a Des-sential if you will (I'll point out the others when I get to them). This song has so much happening in it, every sound weaving together to create such a cool, dark aesthetic. In contrast to what I just said, it's one of the few Des Rocs songs that make me laugh because no. I cannot feel it. Please leave my house.

8. Hanging By A Thread - ohhh this song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, which is what I'm sure it was set out to do. It's a sweet mix of love and sadness, it's one of those songs where it actually feels like the words are being sung to me (that doesn't sound weird does it). The chorus does lose its shine eventually but it's not song-ruining, it just feels a little more meh after that.

9. Nothing Personal - This was actually a consideration for the S tier- the music is fucking awesome and it has one of, if not the best chorus. The only issue that brought it down here is oh it gets a little too creepy for my weak self. The piano at the end made me feel things I'd never felt before and I never wanna feel again (but sometimes sacrifices must be made).

10. Let Me Live/Let Me Die - Here's another Des-sential, the guitar in this one pats my brain in a very nice way if that makes sense, and the verses are really really great. The bridge is also nice in a weird way..(I dunno it's 11 PM while I'm writing this one). At the very end it feels a bit too chaotic for my brain to keep up with...it's definitely more of a background noise song in my opinion.

11. POS - High energy, does what it sets out to do, and sounds like worlds best boss theme while doing it. The song itself is real short but it's all packed up well, if not a little cramped feeling.

12. Maybe, I - I'm guessing most of my love for this song comes from the chorus, because while the verses are heavenly lyric wise, it only accomplishes so much with how plain they are. Even then it all ties together to create a wonderful feeling in a song.

13. Imaginary Friends - The verses and choruses...if you handed them to me individually I'd absolutely tell you they would not work well together, but via the magic called Des Rocs it actually works decently well. It feels a little rough around the edges and awkward but I think that fits just fine with the song, or at least how I interpret the song. I do wish there was more in it, what it's got is just fine but there's a bit of wasted potential that crawls through if I listen to it too much.

14. Tick - Okay, yeah, it's only this high up for the last chorus. The first half of the song is so shake-y and it feels like its trying a bit too hard to be a des rocs song, but the last chorus kicks in and makes me fall in love. Something about how the notes are held is just lovely and how it feels so much more confident than the first chorus...call that musical character development. Oh yeah this song makes me laugh too. It's funny to have someone tell you to fuck off while you're doing your school work.

15. Don't Hurt Me - I've got two main problems with this, and neither are too major. 1. It feels so unlike Des' music that it's pretty jarring and 2. Eh I don't like the bridge. Besides that, Don't Hurt Me is real good. The lines "I picked stars and stones, one hurts and one glows" gets my mind all happy because as a lil thing who grew up with the wonderful imagery of Owl City's songs, anything that even slightly reminds me of it gets me happy.

16. Used to the Darkness - This is also a song that keeps its energy smooth and steady through the whole song, but unlike Ruby, it doesn't stay up as well. I'm not a fan of the bridge and the last chorus is..meh. But while it's still got it's shine, it's pretty good.

17. Dead Ringer - woo hoo Des-sential number 3! There's not much I can say about this song either, really. It's a good time with a really catchy chorus. I just wish the bridge had more in it.

18. The Devil Inside - Trust me, I wanted to make some kind of joke but I couldn't think of anything good so y'all are safe. This song just kinda hops around everywhere with its sound and chaotic levels, quite a good ride if not a bit uncomfortable at times. I do really like when the (whatever it is) joins in the last chorus.

19. Born To Lose - This song shares a problem with Don't Hurt Me because it also feels so far off from Des Rocs' sound that it's a bit uncomfortable. But with Born To Lose you can hear them trying to keep some of the regular vibe in there and it just.. doesn't work well in my opinion. Most of the song is just fine and I can really enjoy the chorus sometimes but the little deep bit after the chorus annoys me to no end.

20. SLO - This is weird to rank so low since its been stuck in my head..I just have some trouble keeping up with song. It's real groovy and gets me moving but the flow of it gets me lost quickly. I'm also not much of a fan of when it speeds up towards the end, but that might just be because irony. Ohh my mind keeps connecting this song to my buddy @bridgeandtunnelblues for some reason so that makes me smile a bit whenever I hear it :)

21. Pieces - okay this one's also a bit weird to write but at the moment this is the song that's sorta sticking in my head. The music is pretty good, but something about the singing...ugh it's just strangely unsatisfying. I also usually like the crunchiness in his sound but in here I find it adds to the irritation, but I guess sometimes I can push that aside and like the songs addictiveness take over my brain. Also something about "this is the way it always works" just kind of boops my brain in a weird way, and I say that positively.

22. The Past Has Passed Away - okay looking at the tierlist again, and having listened to the songs a couple more times I decided I'm changing the way the order is for the D tier here. Sorry if that's confusing. I feel like this song is just Give Me The Night but without the flavor. It's got the danceable, high energy verses (I have squirmed to it a few times) that I love but it's the chorus that feels like the low point. You also hear the song title said so many times that it gets tiring..

23. Living Proof - okay okay, I really like the pre-chorus. Like, I REALLY like it, it's got such a good feeling in it and carries such potential but the chorus just does not follow up as well as I'd hope. It sounds like something I'd write when I was like 9 or 10, it just sort of brings it down for me. That's a really personal issue though so I'd understand someone ranking it high up.

24. HVY MTL DRMR - The verses are pretty good, but everything else is just really empty and nothing special. It's so mediocre that it hurts a bit...I do think it could be redone or something just to add something interesting to the chorus, but until then we're stuck with what we've got I guess.

25. Outta My Mind - the instrumental is just fine, if not a little uninteresting, it's the singing that really ticks (haha) me off. Too repetitive for my boring lil brain, and the verses aren't anything special either. It's just as mediocre as HVY MTL DRMR but it loses points for repetitiveness.

26. Rabbit Hole - If this was any other tier list, this would probably be in C or D tier but in a Des Rocs tier list? Definitely an F. It's way too quiet and empty for the whole song with pretty much no build up to anything...even when some guitar or whatever comes in at the end, it doesn't feel "deserved" if that makes sense... The nicest I can say is that the chorus is a bit enjoyable if I ignore the rest of the song.

27. I Know - my god this song is a flop. I hate how much potential I see in here because it doesn't manage to use any of it. Most of the song is just some sound abomination until the end where I can tell they were trying to do something interesting but it does NOT work...whatever they were trying to with this is REALLY hope he tries again at some point but this just does not fulfill its purpose.

[jensengirl83]

Regret and Redemption Chapter eight

Dean x reader

Mechanic!AU

Word Count-2269

Warnings-Angst, language, heartbreak

Summary- Reader has left Dean and is trying to move on with her life. Can Dean prove himself and convince her to come back home?

A/N- Song in this chapter is “Don’t Know What’s You’ve Got Until It’s Gone” by Cinderella. Thank you to my beta @emoryhemsworth and all my girls and guy for the encouragement to keep going with this series. I love you all!

Amazing series cover and text dividers courtesy of @talesmaniac89​ 

Regret and Redemption Spotify Playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2FX7eDSq8WEUlFyPUG1j8f?si=PZNFJlmqS42rhBuqO-Fd4g

Mary: Y/N, I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, and I understand, but Dean is not doing so well, and I hoped we could talk about what exactly happened. He has me very worried and I can’t get him to tell me much of anything. I will always think of you as my daughter, Y/N. I truly hope you will message me back and let me say what I need to tell you.

Y/N stared at the text from her mother in law, her emotions now worse than before. She’d always loved Mary and would miss her dearly, but she wasn’t sure if she should reply. Y/N was sure that Dean was having a hard time, but so was she. He was the one who’d betrayed her. He was the one who had thrown their marriage away with no regard for her feelings. The longer she looked at the text message, the angrier she became. Who gives a damn that Dean was having a hard time! Y/N had been the one who’d been slapped in the face with the worst of betrayals. Her husband had been sleeping around behind her back! She’d been nothing but loyal to him, so fuck him and his hard time!

Y/N threw her phone across the room with a scream. The raw emotions of everything had crashed down on her. She felt as if she was drowning as she fell to the kitchen floor in a heap of sobs and screams. How could he do this to her?! She’d loved Dean with every fiber of her being just to be betrayed by him. Her body wracked with sobs as she finally let the severity of their situation overtake her. She’d never felt a pain like this in her entire life, but she never loved anyone the way she had loved Dean Winchester.

Y/N had laid on her kitchen floor and cried, grieving for her loss. Her heart ached as she thought back to all the promises whispered in their tender moments together: the promises that had been shattered like porcelain being thrown to the floor, the words that ran through her head since the day she walked out on him. She missed her husband. Not the man he was now, but the man he had been: the man that would hold her close as he made love to her like she was the only woman in the world, the man who had promised her forever and meant it. She missed the way he used to love her and only her. Y/N decided then and there that those were the last tears she would ever cry for Dean.

Dean had just awoken, and his head felt as if it weighed twenty pounds and was on the verge of exploding. He’d drank himself to sleep the night before and he planned on doing it again. His marriage would be over in a few weeks’ time and he had nothing else to stay sober for. He’d ruined one of the only good things that had ever happened to him. He was being sued and could possibly lose everything he had worked for and he couldn’t care less. Without Y/N, he didn’t want any of it anyway. What was the point if he had no one to share it with?

Dean traded his morning coffee for another glass of whiskey. He threw his head back and finished the drink in one swallow, hissing at the burn as it made its way down his throat. He refilled his glass and repeated his actions from seconds ago, deciding to forgo the glass and take the whole bottle back to the couch where he planned to stay for the day. He had already called the garage and told them he didn’t know when he would be back in. There were too many memories of Y/N there, and if he had to be reminded of her, he would rather be home where he could drink himself into a stupor.

Dean stared down at the ring that was still on his left hand. He hadn’t been able to make himself take it off. Even though he had signed the divorce papers, taking his wedding band off made it all too real and he wasn’t ready for that. He was hanging on by a thread and the finality of removing his ring would drain what little strength he had to keep going.

Dean couldn’t handle the quiet any longer as he hit shuffle on his playlist. He knew he was sure to hear something that would remind him of Y/N, but he didn’t care. The memories of their time together were all he had left, and he welcomed the pain. It was the only thing that let him feel like he was still alive like he hadn’t died the day she walked out and left him alone. Dean turned up the whiskey and chugged as the tears began to make their way down his face. It became part of his daily routine to let the tears flow and wish he could go back and make different decisions. He laid his head back and closed his eyes, letting the pain and heartache consume him completely when the first notes of a song filled the room.  

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong

I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago

I'll let it show

I can't give you back what's been hurt

Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words

I can't let go

If we take some time to think it over baby

Take some time, let me know

If you really want to go

The lyrics that filled the room had Dean singing along as his heart ached. They’d both always liked this song, but now it hit a lot differently.

Don't know what you got till it's gone

Don't know what it is I did so wrong

Now I know what I got

It's just this song

And it ain't easy to get back

Takes so long

He hadn’t realized what he had in Y/N. He took for granted that she would always be there, and now he was paying the price. Dean turned up the bottle as the song continued to play.

I can't feel the things that cause you pain

I can't clear my heart of your love it falls like rain

Ain't the same

I hear you calling far away

Tearing through my soul I just can't take another day

Who's to blame

If we take some time to think it over baby

Take some time let me know

If you really want to go

Y/N had already left and wasn’t coming back. Dean’s chest heaved with the emotion that was coursing through him. He always buried his emotions deep, but he couldn’t be strong anymore. His whole world was crumbling around him and he couldn’t keep his feelings from coming to the surface.

Do you want to see me beggin' baby

Can't you give me just one more day

Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately

I've been lookin' for the words to say

Don't know what you got till it's gone

Don't know what it is I did so wrong

Now I know what I got

It's just this song

And it ain't easy to get back

Takes so long

The last notes of the song filled the air as Dean chugged the rest of the whiskey in the bottle. He could only wish for one more day, one more chance. He’d blown it and he had to deal with the consequences. If only everyone knew how he had planned on dealing with them, in a constant drunken stupor.

Y/N took a shower to calm down after her mental breakdown. The text from Mary was still in the back of her mind. She knew she needed to let him go and not look back, but she couldn’t help but worry. Y/N decided to give her mother-in-law a call to put this to rest once and for all. Y/N dialed Mary’s number and braced herself for the conversation she was about to have.

“Hello,” Mary answered.

“Hi, Mary. It’s Y/N,” she said with hesitation. She wasn’t looking forward to this conversation.

“Y/N! Oh honey, how are you?” Mary asked with concern.

“I’ve been better,” she answered honestly.

“I know sweetie. I’m so sorry, Y/N! I raised him better than that and I’m ashamed of how he betrayed you,” Mary’s voice getting softer as she finished speaking.

“It’s not your fault. He’s a grown man. He knew what he was doing,” Y/N wasn’t sugarcoating anything with his mother.

“He’s bad off, Y/N. I walked up on him screaming at his father’s grave and blaming him for everything last night,” Mary said in almost a whisper.

“What?!” Y/N asked in shock. Dean had only been to John’s grave a handful of times since he passed.

“I’ve never seen him that upset, Y/N, granted he was drunk, but he wasn’t that upset when John died,” Mary said, the sadness and worry evident in her voice.

“I don’t know what you think I can do, Mary. I’m not trying to be rude, but what am I supposed to do?” she asked exasperated.

“Go talk to him, Y/N. I know I have no right to ask you to do this, but talk to him and convince him to let you go without drinking himself to death! He won’t listen to any of us,” Mary pleaded with her.

“Fine! He’s not going to listen to me either, but I’ll try,” Y/N said with a sigh.

“Thank you, sweetie! I appreciate it! Bye, Y/N,” Mary said, hanging up the phone.

Y/N hung her head and groaned. How did she let herself get roped into doing this? She still had two hours before she had to meet Steven for lunch, so she decided to just go get it over with. She hoped that Mary had been exaggerating and that Dean wasn’t that bad, but she knew him too well. She grabbed her wallet and keys and headed to the door to go try to talk some sense into her soon-to-be ex-husband.

What Y/N saw when she walked through the front door made her heart ache. Dean was passed out, whiskey bottle still in hand. He looked like he hadn’t shaved or showered in days; he was a pitiful sight to take in. She walked over and took the bottle from his hand, setting it down on the coffee table as she took a seat next to it.

“Dean, wake up!” Y/N exclaimed as she tried to shake him awake.

The smell of the whiskey emanating from him made her stomach churn. She had seen him drink his feelings away before, but this was an all-time low. Y/N shook him again as he started to stir.

“We need to talk, Dean,” she said, trying to keep her voice void of all emotion.

“Y/N?!” Dean questioned as his eyes went wide at the sight of his wife before him. It had to be a dream.

“What the hell, Dean? What are you trying to accomplish here? Have you seen yourself? You look awful!” Y/N said as she shook her head.

“Hey, baby! I miss you,” Dean said as he reached out to run his finger down her cheek.

“Stop it, Dean! I’m here to tell you to get your shit together. Do you know that your mother practically begged me to come and knock some sense into you? She’s worried you are going to drink yourself into the grave and now I can see why she thinks that,” Y/N said as her voice began to crack. He’d hurt her, and their marriage was over, but seeing him like this was killing her.

“Come on sweetheart….I’m fine. Nothing to worry about,” Dean said slurring his words.

“You don’t look fine to me. You look like shit and you need to get a grip on yourself. This is ridiculous, Dean!” Y/N resorted to yelling, hoping it would make him listen because her heart was breaking seeing him so broken.

“Ridiculous?! I’m being ridiculous? I’m not the one who walked away and left me here for dead!” Dean yelled as he tried to sit up but to no avail.

“I’m not doing this with you, Dean. Get your shit together and move on! I won’t be back to have this conversation again!” Y/N growled as she stood to leave.

“I’m sorry baby! Don’t leave me, please! I love you Y/N, please come home,” Dean begged as he grabbed for her hand but was too drunk to catch her.

“I’m sorry Dean. We’re over, so please get a hold of yourself and move on. If you won’t do it for your family then do it for me, please?” Y/N said with her back to the drunken man.

Y/N didn’t give him a chance to respond before she walked out the door, slamming it shut behind her. She couldn’t let him know how seeing him like that had affected her. She barely made it to her car when the tears began to stain her cheeks. She promised herself that morning that she wouldn’t cry over him again, but seeing the shell of the man he once was had been too much to take.

@flamencodiva @sorenmarie87 @foxyjwls007​ @waywardbeanie @emoryhemsworth @voltage-my2dlove @hardcoresupernatural @msmarvelouswinchester @lyarr24  @deanmonandnegansbitch  @akshi8278 @midsummereve1993 @sutton2001  @emory91  @halesandy  @miss-nerd95  @ellewritesfix05  @bxbyizzy  @winchest09  @adoptdontshoppets  @defenderrosetyler  @hobby27  @whatareyousearchingfordean  @talesmaniac89  @deanwanddamons  @atc74  @superfanficnatural  @smol-and-grumpy  @supernatural-love14  @vicmc624  @squirrelnotsam  @tatted-trina6  @xhannahbananax03  @coffeebooksandfandom  @nihilismworld  @winchester-wifey  @mrsfox79  @malfoysqueen14  @moron225  @deans-baby-momma  @lovelyrocker  @fablesrose  @queenofchaos7  @maralisa124  @deangirl93  @aimee-ginge  @anathewierdo  @donnaintx  @screechingartisancashbailiff 

[dandyvespa]

I-Land Final Episode and Thoughts *SPOILERS! duh*

For anyone who has kept up with I-Land, I understand how emotional and nerve-wracking this episode was for them.  After developing a connection with a lot of the participants and sharing in their memories, its hard to see anyone being let go.  It has been just as much of journey for them as it was for the fans who supported them and at the end of the day, regardless of who debuts, there will be people who will be disappointed by the final results.  But please please PLEASE understand that you should not put the blame on them or even break them down just because your favorite did not make it.  All of these boys worked hard to get where they are and though it stings for those who did not make it, please support whatever flower path any of them have taken and continue to support and spread love.  With that being said, I would just like to use the rest of this post on my final thoughts on the episode and debut line.  If you are caught up with the show, please read ahead.  Thank you :)

First I would like to say that the preparations done for the final performance, the OT22 interaction and performance, the funny bits of preparing PR videos, dividing roles, and playing Truth or Dare, and the home-cooked meals sent from their parents were all just an emotional roller coaster.  I laughed and I cried.  To see those boys grow was something very special to me and to see their individual selves shine through personalities or skills were always a treat.  Having these segments were really meant to lighten the mood for the final lineup to come.  Personally, Sunghoon developed the most out of his shy exterior and his personality was so confident and funny in the pre-recorded videos.  I also thought Jay... could never escape his dark history LOL.   Also Heeseung’s brother teasing him and telling him to tell Jay he adores him was very cute.  Seeing everyone help each other with the PR videos was adorable and heart-warming (Heeseung even had a whole production team haha).  Jungwon dressed up as a sheep still sticks with me though haha.  Seeing OT22 come together also had me in tears and stitches.  It was so cute seeing them all hang out in I-land and despite how whack it was for the Grounders to never experience it, they looked so happy being with their friends and taking part in this little world even if it was for a short time. Also loved how they would easily throw others under the bus during Truth or Dare and the Questions they voted on.  The love and support their parents got and how each of them could not hold back their tears was really the icing on the cake.  No matter where these boys go, their family will always be their for them more than anything else.  Just all those moments leading up to their debut lineup really put a toll on me and it just made me feel like a proud mom

Okay the team name?  I am sooooooooooo glad its not Dragon Gee or Dee or whatever that speculated name was going around on Twitter.  Enhypen is odd but in a good way.   Its different and it will stick with time even though I still may just call them the I-Land group for now lol.  Pretty curious about what the fandom name will be too (but honestly I think I would still call myself an Eggie haha).

TXT and BTS’s presence was neat.  I wish more of the TXT member’s got to speak but having them all physically there was nice.  Though I will say it was just awkward not seeing them cheer as much.  I also felt like BTS was just bored at some points or were just glazing over when having to wait on each member getting called out.  They did have their humorous moments which was nice to see, definitely lifted the tension in the room and I’m glad they joked a bit (especially Suga losing it lol) instead of remaining completely serious.  Their advice and encouragement were all appreciated too.  Jhope being an avid viewer really showed.  Also plus points for Jungwon getting Jungkook’s attention uwu.   I still wish they could have interacted more and mentored some of them over the course of the show.  The slim TXT interactions with Heeseung such as Taehyun and Yeonjun’s reactions made me wanting more damn it.  But hey, at least we get to see them more often in the BigHit building.  I love a good family.

So the Calling performance was A M A Z I N G.  I personally thought they were so coherent as a group and made me wishing OT9.  There were some who really shine in their parts, but I think all of them stood out one or more times to me.  The dance was pretty powerful and a lot of them improved vocally.  Again, it makes me feel like a proud mom seeing them all at this point, grown and amazing.  The Into the I-Land performance also made me feel that way as well.  They all looked so good together and were pretty in sync given that they were fucking 22 of them.  The nostalgia was really hitting in me and I also teared uo like a big ass baby.  But can I just say... and let’s be real here.... Every single song on this show has been a bop and I would be thrilled to see a whole Soundtrack Album for I-Land on Spotify.  Like P L E A S E.

Now onto the debut line! I was S H O C K E D.  You can clearly tell these votes were not rigged in the slightest and this was solely based on global votes always shifting which was appreciated.  I did not see this order coming and it did turn out slightly different then my post on my preferred I-Land debut line.  So starting with number 1.... YANG FUCKING JUNGWON.   I was pleasantly surprised and I literally jumped out of my bed when I heard him place first instead of Sunoo.  This was the complete definition of people who initially slept on him finally waking.  I was soooo thrilled.  Bro really came in last by the last Producer vote and then climbed all the way to first.  Our lovely sheep garden and hidden ace, a big congrats!  

Jay also left his cursed 6th spot and got second! Again another well-deserved man who gave it his all from the beginning and was no stranger to being straightforward and a go getter.  His stubbornness and hilarity will lead this group lol.  

Jake getting third was a big shock as well.  Our icon of improvement!  To think he was always on the verge of getting placed out of the top 7 members and made it here? Also considering his benefit put him in 7th once when he literally could have been the eliminated member that episode.  UGH.  Our Aussie boy did great and seriously improved performance after performance.  

Next up.... NIKIIIIIII.  Now I’m gonna be real I thought it was gonna be K.  I never placed Niki in my debut prediction, but his Flame On performance really change everything for me.  Actually, just the whole second part of I-Land was very impactful for him.  I was always hesitant about his sportsmanship and whether he was too selfish in the first part (the constant evil-editing did not help, Mnet...), but thanks to other members, he really matured and took a greater lead in things.  I really began to fall for him when we got to see him more playful and interactive with other members.  Like I really thought he was much happier and understanding throughout the second half of the show.  So kudos to him!  

Coming in 5th place was Heeseung.  I was actually confused man.  When he was called first at this point, I just knew this global vote line up will be verrrry different.  I was still relieved that he made it and seeing him choke up, this boy who has been going at it the longest among the 9 participants at 3 years to finally debut.... Gosh I could not.  As someone who is also Heeseung biased, I was so so so happy for him.  Think we all know regardless of which place he got, the boy was destined to debut.  My Ace heart feels full ^^.  Go get him Leader!!!

Now 6th place... my Ice Prince... Sunghoon! I was actually the most nervous for him.  I saw so many people saying that Sunghoon was last in votes or was in danger because a lot of people had the mentality that given his popularity they should reserve the votes for the people who would most likely be eliminated.  I think that’s why Heeseung and Sunoo were scored low too.  Now I am also biased towards him.  I was thinking like what would I do if none of my favorite Bighit trainees (Heeseung, Jay, Sunghoon, and Jungwon) do not make it?  But when he was called to take up the last spot in global voting, I did a back flip (not really but yeah lol).  Given that Sunghoon has never gotten any brutal feedback from the Producers and has always adapted to each concept, he deserved this.  Just everything he has been through... And shifting his life from being an ice skater of 10 years to this path as an idol.... hold up let me get some damn tissues.  May he continue to break out of his shell and show his continuous charms!

Ok the producer choice for 7th place... Again did not see that coming.  Sunoo constantly ranking high in global votes only to be one of the deciding factors was another big surprise.  I have said that Sunoo’s sunshine personality would be needed, especially if the group were to do cute or youthful concepts.  His health had been concerning, but he was able to manage himself so well.  Even with powerful choreo!  He is not really one of the best dancers but he had always been able to do his part.  I really thought the Producers would choose K, but I really thought Bang PD boiled it down to overall skill and personality appeal.  He even claimed that Sunoo would connect best with the world with his joyful outlook.  I honestly could not agree more. I just people do not rail him for being picked as they should now understand he is not just some cute face and has proven that multiple times.  Sunshine Fighting! :)

The eliminated trainees were K and Daniel.  Though I thought Daniel has improved a lot, he was just outshined.  I also think at his age he should have more time spent in sharpening his skills.  What was more devastating was K.  He looked like he was obliterated.  I mean both of them were naturally sad, but K was just gone to me.  I was really hoping that he would make the debut line.  K has shown himself as a performer multiple times and was praised for his choreography skills.  He even showed to have learned from past behaviors and matured more as a person when taking the leader role.  To see him grow and understand where he went wrong.... ugh I really could not bear him looking that way.  His thoughts were all over the place and he could barely choke out what he wanted to say.  I just hope he meant what he said and actually continues to enjoy music and develop himself as a performer.  I knew how much his mom was initially livid at the idea of him becoming an idol so I hope he gets another chance at showing her that he can still do this. Now understand this does not mean you should blame Sunoo for being chosen or complain that Sunoo does not deserve it.  I already feel like he is gonna be haunted with the grim reminder that he was chosen instead and think that he doesn’t deserve this because he is not as skilled as K.  And people are gonna bandwagon hate on him... and again I say please DO NOT DO THAT.  At the end of the day, no matter how much you want OT9 or OT22, this is a survival show and these participants signed up for this.  Yes there will be fans who are disappointed, but you shouldn’t waste your anger on the other trainees who were able to succeed instead of your faves. I don’t want this moment to completely wreck K or Daniel’s chances at being an idol again.  Same goes for rest of the eliminated I-Land members.  This is definitely not the end for any of them so please go on with hope guys because I know you will still have many people’s support!  They will end up on the same stage as their colleagues one day.  

The last thing I want to say is that though this has been a tough journey and though there may be people who will not be satisfied with the debut line, everyone worked hard.  From the participants to the fans and even the Producers, all of them played a special role in making I-Land bearable and exciting to watch.  This is a big congrats to everyone who took part in the show despite having to go through many hardships.  With that being said let us continue to support the futures of the eliminated I-Land members as well as the grand success of Enhypen.  I smell 4th gen leaders :D. Welcome to the BigHit family Enhypen and may your fans, your wings, fly you even higher once you officially debut. F I G H T I N G!

Now... will you guys join in during the next season of I-Land for the next global girl group? :3

.... Ya’ll already know I am lol.

[gm--requests]

Fanfic ask ! 7, 1 and 10

1. Have you ever cried over a fic?

YES, holy shit dude. I’m a big emotional mess literally 24/7 and so it’s not too hard for some well-written words to make me sob like a baby. 

Two fics that make me cry every time: 

Your Doll - ( @yaoyorozuwrites ) This shit kicked my ass dude. I don’t know how I found it (because the only person from MHA I read smut about is Hawks) but holy shit. it’s supposed to be just really filthy smut, but the details and the end made me cry (and also made me feel dirty and a little scared every time I see Deku) 

Feeling The Rain - I went on the fucking hunt for this one chief. IT IS SO SAD AND 16 YEAR OLD ME SOBBED. I literally copy and pasted it to my notes app after I read it so I could read it every night and cry lmfao. (also if you listen to EXO’s cover of Open Arms ((i think that is what it’s called)) by journey while you read it you get this very melancholic, nostalgic feeling and it really is just such an experience worth having)

7. Is there any fic that you've read over and over again?

Passion(Flower) and I think I’ve read every fic written by @17mounteens at least 10 times (both admins have crazy talent and i love them both sm, I’m an anon on their blog through my personal acct) 

10. What's the best fanfic you've ever read?

Hands down, Passion(Flower) by @dreaminghaos it literally inspired me to start my @mingyu-shorts blog. my version of mingyu took inspiration from their interpretation of him. mine is still very different, but I loved the idea of the player college student. I could literally write my final fucking college dissertation on how much I adore this fic. the wording is immaculate, the imagery, the feelings and emotion (it also made me cry), I’ll also divulge this little secret of mines... I didn’t like mingyu at all. not in like a shitty way, like of course I appreciated him as a member of seventeen, but like I thought he was really over-hyped (ya know like Jungkook or Jaehyun) and then I read this fic and I was like “damn, someone can see mingyu like this?” and then eye started seeing mingyu like that and now he is my bias in seventeen and I have a Spotify playlist dedicated to him (which actually contained songs that he put in his Spotify playlist and then I had a whole breakdown about the fact that we shared similar tastes in music which is when I realised it must be so tiring to be my friend lmfao) and I feel like I’m cheating on Vernon and woozi and this fic also really motivated me to get back into writing. I literally posted my favourite part of it on my Snapchat story and was like y’all this is the kinda shit I wanna be writing and then my friend messaged me and said she thought I wrote it and then I cried because I cannot even begin to write something as magnificent as that fucking story dude.

[deobis]

Road to Kingdom Episode 4 Thoughts

The third challenge was for each group to pick one of their own songs and perform it. I really wish RTK stuck with the “king” theme, but I guess there are only so many challenges they can create revolving that topic. 

DISCLAIMER: I am a lot harsher in this review than any of my other posts. Please know that I do not hate any of the 7 groups and I truly wish the best for all of them. This is just an analysis of the most recent performances.

Anyways onto my rankings!

Enjoyment ranking: 

Pentagon (Wow! For once it’s not TBZ haha)

Verivery

The Boyz

Oneus

ONF

TOO

Golden Child

Objective Ranking:

Verivery

The Boyz

Pentagon

ONF

Oneus

Golden Child

TOO

Prediction rankings:

Pentagon

The Boyz

Verivery

ONF

Oneus

TOO

Golden Child

Put a prediction ranking bc the rankings haven’t been announced yet so we will see tomorrow!

For the first time in forever, TBZ is not first in my book. Shocker I know. That’s not to say that I didn’t like their performance or concept but rather the other groups (PTG and Verivery) did better in my eyes. Let’s talk about TBZ’s Reveal (Catching Fire) perf. I’ll call it RCF for short. TBZ was the only group to continue a story from the second challenge. This gains major points in my book as I love plot driven performances. Anything with a story or clear objective gains brownie points because it’s what makes performances an art. You can dance to a song but if there’s no emotion it stays as a sport rather than a form of artistic expression. TBZ have shown their artistry fully through RTK, something they haven’t really been able to do before. I’m amazed at how they are able to control shock factor so well. I was worried the stunts of Danger would outshine whatever they had to show in RCF but they proved me wrong. There were less stunts this time but they focused on a much larger picture (pun intended). They added backup dancers and allowed the camera to take wider shots to show their formations. I just felt like they lacked a spark this time. If you can’t already tell, I prefer their Danger performance much more. A large part of this is due to the arrangement of Danger. The RCF arrangement was interesting and refreshing but there wasn’t anything really new. Maybe I feel this way because I’ve listened to Reveal too many times who knows. Negatives aside, I have to say I really liked the choreography changes. The part where Haknyeon is center really blew my mind. 

But here’s why I liked Verivery and Pentagon’s performance more: emotion. Pentagon’s is obvious, they used this stage to send off someone they really love. You can really see that the members love Jinho and that they have a deep bond. Pentagon was also the only group to mix two of their songs together, one being a title track and one being a side track (note: PTG and Verivery are the only groups who picked side b’s for their song). Pentagon’s arrangement was impeccable. For me, the new Shine sounded like a Jpop song (mostly because of the rock vibes; if you listen to Jpop you know what I mean), while still retaining the bright theme of Shine. A lot of people might say the performance was too emotional and not professional, but out of all 7 performances, Pentagon’s was the most meaningful and was delivered the best. The message and how they played with the stage was stunning and their little additions and references to other popular Kpop songs makes it so you will notice something new every time you rewatch it. Please watch this video where Hongseok goes into detail about the little easter eggs and the whole purpose behind their performance. I have so much respect for Pentagon and I could write so much more about this performance but I must talk about the other 5 haha (if you want to hear more feel free to ask!)

Verivery. VERIVERY. God DAMN did they really come back and hit hard. They definitely had the clearest and most well thought out performance of all. What differentiates them from TBZ’s story like performance is that TBZ had too much going on in my opinion. They tried to tell us a long story with not enough time. This is why so many fans have vastly different interpretations of their performance. While this can often be a good thing, I think you have to find a balance when doing a storytelling performance. Verivery cleanly executes their narrative of a nightmare and takes the cliche of “it was all a dream” to the max by going “SIKE” at the end. Their choreography was so well planned out and they were honestly very minimalistic about their stage, just like TBZ’s Danger stage. The shock factor is just right (my favorite part being when the backup dancers have the smoke come out of their mouth). Not only that but Photo is a SIDE TRACK. I cannot stress enough how brave of them that is. I legitimately thought it was a title track until I looked at their discography. They arranged their side b to sound like a title track, and not only that, they changed the overall feel of the song as well. If you listen to the original Photo, it sounds more like a bad boy song, but their RTK version is very much so horror/rock themed. I can’t STRESS how good this performance is. Especially because it’s such a contrast from their last performance. Photo is now in my spotify playlist and I have no regrets.

Now onto the last 4 performances. I hate to break it to you all but... I didn’t really like any of them. None of them made me think “wow I could rewatch this so many times.” Lets start with Oneus. LIT is my favorite Oneus song so I highly anticipated this performance. If you didn’t know Oneus before and only watch this stage you might think its a very good stage with a strong traditional theme. I totally agree, the traditional theme is unique to Oneus and I loved the instrumental changes they made so the song would cater more to their theme. The biggest issue I had with this stage was that It literally is just like their music video. If you have seen the LIT mv you will know what I mean. The dragon dance, traditional clothing, theme, sound, everything was too similar. The stage was grand but it just felt like a live version of their MV. 

I know a lot of people liked ONF’s performance. Let me just say first that they killed it and YooA was *chefs kiss* The biggest issue I had with this stage was its message and theme. They seemed to have a conductor/medieval theme but also the masks?? Like what? It felt so out of place and random. I felt like a lot of their stage choices had little to no purpose. I honestly still don’t understand why YooA was there. The duet dance was nice but why? It seemed like they were trying to tell a story but it just wasn’t clear to me. It looked nice and everything but that was about it. In no way am I saying the performance was bad, it’s just there’s nothing that makes me want to go back and watch again. I think the fact that there was a plot but no plot at the same time really bothered me and that’s why I didn’t like it as much. 

TOO has grown a lot since episode one. They are truly experimenting with the stage and I’m very happy to see that. I have the same issue with TOO as I did with ONF. There was a clear theme of “dark vs light” or “evil vs good” but why? What was the point? The theme may have seemed obvious but was it really? Were they trying to convey good vs bad, angel vs devil, justice vs injustice? I couldn’t tell throughout the entire performance. It’s okay to take cliche themes but with a show like RTK, there needs to be something more. I also hate to be harsh but some of their execution just wasn’t as clean. This doesn’t only apply to Chan (I think that’s his name), but the whole performance in general. The most obvious instance is the head twist part. But I applaud Chan for performing with 100% even after his mistake (which, by the way, he made look very natural. I was very sad when he kept beating himself up over the mistake 😞 you did great bb I hope you know that). Even if their age and lack of experience is shown in their performances, I must say they are really stepping out of their comfort zone and learning at a rapid pace. I have high hopes for them.

Now onto the last group. Golden Child. I was very impressed with GolChas first two performances but this one was a disappointment. I appreciate the use of strings and their classical arrangement (as I said in my previous episode thoughts post) but this performance was, well, dull to say the least. The only “shock factor” was the violin solo (which was very good btw), but I think it was too late into the performance. There wasn’t much that made me interested in the performance up to that point. I don’t know. There really just isn’t much for me to talk about because they didn’t really do much.(God that sounds so harsh;; I’m sorry 😭😭) I really think their second performance was highly underrated but all in all this third one was not it. 

As you can see my critiques for this set of performances are, well, a lot harsher. I think it’s because the bar was raised so much higher after the first three episodes. Overall, if I had seen any of these performances outside of the RTK context I probably would have been a lot more impressed and shocked. I wish the best for all the groups and no matter who gets eliminated tomorrow I want all the groups to know that they all deserve a spot in the Kingdom. Mnet is just trash.

[tassium]

#TAYLOR SWIFT APPRECIATION LIFE

PART 1 - Self Titled

Buckle up, ladies and gentleworms: We'll be spending the week leading up to the release of Lover looking back over the history with Our Lady and Savior Taylor Swift. This is very much inspired by the lovely people at @stateofswiftpod​ (which if you haven't listened to, you NEED TO - this trio is a DELIGHT) and is going to basically be my own lonely solo version of what they do.

SO ANYWAY.

First stop on our journey is Taylor's self titled album. Get comfy, get a snack, maybe a @taylorswift​ themed drink.... and get in, losers, we're going swiftie.

1. Tim McGraw

Listen, I gotta be honest. This song has never been among my list of of Top Taylor Songs, not even when this was the only album of tracks of hers. Don't get me wrong, I don't DISLIKE this song. There's some great lines in it ("a month of tears and thanking god that you weren't here to see my like that" does get me every time), some great metaphorical connections (“when you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress” is my favorite) and I do think she delivers a good vocal performance on it. There’s a lot of cool melodic choices in the second half that I’m into. Overall.... not my favorite. We’ll get to that.

2. Picture To Burn

Listen, anyone who says Picture to Burn is anything less than a BANGER can physically fight me in the Denny's parking lot. I have a VIVID memory of the first time I ever heard this song: 13 years old, in the back of my mom's car, with my portable CD player and headphones, feeling like the ultimate badass. Being just shocked in a 'ooooooOOOOOHHHHH' kinda way when I heard That Line in the original version's first prechorus. (you won’t find that on spotify, kids) The second verse is one of my favorite things, as well as that little bridgey bit. The guitar hits are A++. The track as a whole is a great example of what young vindictive heartbreak looks like. This was the track where I fell in love with the angry heartbroken version of Taylor - but like. Baby Angry Heartbroken Taylor.

3. Teardrops On My Guitar

There is something so visceral about the concept of this track to me. That concept of teardrops on a guitar and being in love with someone who's in love with someone else and that one line about hoping that someone else knows just how lucky they are to have the person you're in love with? Damn. --And speaking of that! Another line you can't find on spotify, the original version of this song! "I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny" is such a raw lyric for debut Taylor, and honestly I'm sad that it's been edited out.

Bonus commentary: The pop version of this song, you guys. That electric guitar chord ring at the beginning is ICONIC. The driving drums! That little fiddle lick between the one chorus and the bridge! The pop version is the one that gives me goosebumps.

4. A Place in this World

This song is such a good track to have on this album. I love the little peek into what it's like to be not only Taylor herself but also, I think, any young teenage girl, trying to figure things out. It's a nice change of pace and a good thing to throw back at people who say that Taylor only ever wrote about relationships or whatever. I think my favorite line is that bit at the end of the first verse: "Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do..." because that line is such a good representation of what it's like to be about that age and feeling like a hot mess and being told that you're not the only one. Like yes! I know! I'm not ACTUALLY alone! but it feels like it! Let me wallow for half a second! - Taylor does a great job portraying that feeling, and I think this is a good vocal from her as well, with some cool melodic variance in a couple spots later in the song.

5. Cold As You

Dang, man, okay, listen. Cold as You. This song. The build, the softness at the beginning, the way the other instruments come in leading up to the chorus. The craftsmanship on some of the lyrics, like “a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you” or “every smile you fake is so condescending”.

I think my favorite line, though, is "I start a fight because I need to feel something" because. Wow. That line is powerful and honestly it kind of hurts, especially coming from a 16 year old Taylor. Ouch. The other thing I love about this is where the instrumentation drops out in the last prechorus, going back down to just the piano and her voice - there's a quality to her voice there that just. Oof. (I also love the change to the lyrics in the last chorus, and the change in delivery. I love me a change in delivery, but more on that later)

6. The Outside

This song is hardcore #relatable. If you've never felt like you were on the outside of everything and hated it to pieces, you are the blessed among humanity. I love her delivery on the chorus, the timing and inflection she uses. That final line of the chorus “i’ve been a lot of lonely places, i’ve never been on the outside” is so evocative of what it’s like the first time you feel genuinely excluded from your social scene.

I also learned (from the lovely people at the State of Swift podcast!) that this is a song that she wrote when she was like. Not even a teenager yet. Which just blows my mind. I don't know how much tweaking it received before going on the album, but still. Even if 12 year old Taylor only wrote the bare bones of what it became, that's incredible.

7. Tied Together with a Smile

Somewhere out there on the internet there's a video of me playing this song on my porch at about 15 years old, carefully framed so that my face is not visible. It's.... about what you'd expect from a 15 year old amateur.

I'll admit that this is also not way up there on my hierarchy of favorites on this album (not that such a thing exists in any concrete way). There's something about the intro, whatever that instrument is, that kind of grates on me, and there's a few lyrical things that don't land for me like I feel like they could. There's also just a few too many memories tied to this song that make it hit me in a lot of uncomfortable ways.

I do really love her voice in the final chorus though, with the stripped down instrumental behind her in the beginning. The vocal run she does in the outro is also BEAUTIFUL and really fun to sing along to on the rare occasions I listen to this song all the way through.

8. Stay Beautiful

This is such a feel good song. I love it. The descriptions! “He smiles, it’s like the radio” WHAT A LINE. That paints such a picture and elicits such intense emotion -  it’s something I really can’t describe properly with any other words.

I can’t help but just smile through this entire song. It’s so sweet and so pretty and there’s just something about it that I can’t help but love. I like the walking guitar in the chorus, and the tiny little solo in the turnaround. The message of the bridge is great - even if nothing ever comes from it (and I don’t think anything ever did, irl) at least this person you’re so fond of will know what you think of them. You hope that it doesn't end there, but even if it does...

I dunno, this song is just super heartwarming to me. It’s light and happy and it has a lot of the Things Early Taylor Does that appeal the most to me. I love it.

9. Should've Said No

Okay guys, listen. Despite my deep love for certain tracks on this album, I really think this one is my favorite. It edges out all the others by a relatively narrow margin, but it still does it. And of course there's a billion and one reasons why that's the case just from the album track (the drums! the fiddle! the harmonies! that high note!), but that's not what I really want to talk about here.

The 2008 ACM Awards performance of this song is one of the greatest things I've ever seen, and it needs to be talked about. Admittedly, it's a very Early Live Taylor vocal, but I would defy any of you who saw that performance to tell me that it wasn't a ride from start to finish the first time (and the second time and the third and-- I've watched this a lot ok)

That lowkey wtf moment when she's just on the stage with a guitar in jeans and a hoodie. The breakaway into the dress, and the little microphone lean and the smug face immediately after it.

And then. The final chorus.

I would sell my SOUL to hear Taylor sing that version of this song with her current vocal ability. The change in the melody and delivery gives me chills every single time. That ascending bend on "home" is incredible, and the ache in ‘would get back to me’.

If you haven't seen that performance, you NEED TO. Go find it, it's on youtube, I'll wait.

10. Mary's Song (Oh My My My)

Listen. She’s a cute little number. I love the image of a woman telling the story of this relationship that’s been building since forever - admit it, we’re all suckers for the friends-to-lovers trope, aren’t we?

It feels very nostalgic, very classic - it reminds me of a lot of more traditional country songs. When I listen to it and picture what’s happening in the lyrics, it’s all sepia toned and older style projector film. There’s a warm, coming-home kind of feeling that’s tied to this song for me, though that might have something to do with being raised on 90s country music.

I don’t have any particularly strong feelings about this (except for how my friend attached this song to TWO DIFFERENT FICTIONAL SHIPS and ruined my life) but I like it. I think it belongs on the album. It’s almost tooth-rottingly sweet, but it earns its place.

11. Our Song

Ahhhhh, Our Song. This song will never not have a special place in my heart - I've been playing guitar since I was about 15, and this was the first song I learned to play. This track is why I say that Taylor is the Reason I Play Guitar.

There’s something so cute and first-relationship-slash-coming-of-age-teen-movie about the idea of just grabbing whatever’s nearby to write something down. There’s another iconic fiddle bit at the beginning. It’s endearingly twangy country. Taylor makes some fantastic vocal choices that I think really stand out in a nice way. I love the metaphorical quality of using all these non-musical sounds and non-auditory concepts to build a couple’s song, and I’m a complete sucker for the line “our song is the way you laugh”. Gets me every time.

And now... The Bonus Tracks.

12. I'm Only Me When I'm With You

This track is EASILY my favorite of the bonus tracks on this album. I love this song so much. It’s a BANGER and once again, if you disagree you can FIGHT ME. I don’t know about anyone else, nor do I know if there’s any kind of official statement about this, but this song has always read to me as platonic, even familial. It could be read as slightly codependent, granted, but I think it’s cute. the music video  I like that it’s like... almost like a baby version of the Taylor Swift we now know and love. The beat and the instrumentation feels almost refreshing after listening to most of the songs on this album proper - to be honestly I’m a little salty that it got pushed off to the deluxe version. And of course, there’s an outstanding fiddle piece in the post-chorus, and if you’ve picked up anything from this post so far it should be that I have a deep, deep love for a good fiddle part.

13. Invisible

Oof. OOF. This aching unrequited love ballad. It’s like the softer version of Teardrops On My Guitar, and I’m here for it. She does some super cool melodic things, and I love the way her voice soars in the bridge, and the way it feels like she kind of folds down into herself when it drops down to the prechorus. The ache in “let me want you” and the way it just sort of hangs there like a reaching hand before dropping back into the chorus one last time, and then circling back around to the opening line, finishing with that classic rising steel guitar. It’s just *chef hand kiss*

14. A Perfectly Good Heart

It’s interesting to me that the bonus tracks are literally in order for how much I like them. I don’t have anything against this song, but it’s not one of my favorites. I don’t have a lot to say about it, honestly - I think it’s a solid enough track, but I can definitely see why it was relegated to bonus track territory. And I have to admit, the line “it’s not unbroken anymore” feels a little to me like a reach to put the sentiment in enough syllables to fit the melody. (No shade, there are far worse examples of that in pop music.) The harmony on the end of that line is pretty fantastic though, and the mandolin in the breakdown sits in very nicely.

And with that, we’ve made it to the end of the album. It’s wild to go back and look at the very beginnings with Taylor, given that I’ve been playing the new tracks on repeat for weeks at this point. I’m looking forward to reliving the rest of the journey from this beginning to where we are today.

Next up: Fearless

[vskpop]

My 30 favourite songs of 2017

YouTube playlist ⋅ Spotify playlist

30. Don’t Recall – KARD

I’m upset with myself that last year I didn’t put Oh NaNa in my best of 2016 list because, reader, it was: it ended up as my second most played song of 2017. I didn’t listen to the follow-up Don’t Recall quite as much, but it was the song that cemented my love for KARD’s hip-hop/dancehall/pop jumble. Whoever is selecting their songs has such a flair for dance songs with a melancholy vibe, and Don’t Recall is unparalleled so far. It’s still too rare to get proper idol groups that are mixed gender, and it’s almost impossible for them to succeed. I’m so pleased that international success has been enough to keep KARD alive, even though their numbers are still abysmal at home. Live: M Countdown 17/07 – Yu Huiyeol's Sketchbook 30/08 Other songs of note: Rumor – Trust Me

  29. Heaven and Earth – Laboum

I went through a phase in which I found Laboum adorable, and then for some reason I stopped liking them as much (the reason is that ZN gets on my nerves, I’m sorry, I know). I still listened to their album Miss This Kiss for the nostalgia effect – and because lead single Hwi Hwi is damn good – and I just fell in love with 천지차이. As far as I can tell, it was never performed live, or at least not in venues where it was filmed. I hope that this kind of song keeps being given to them, and that eventually it becomes their lead single. They deserve to take a break from the cuteness. Other songs of note: Hwi Hwi

   28. Tomorrow, Today – JJ Project

I realise that I already said it when JJ Project made their comeback a few months ago, but Bounce is a modern classic in the trashiest way possible. The styling and sound that Jinyoung and JB went for in 2017 are completely different from their origins, but just as great. Tomorrow, Today is what I love about GOT7’s Fly with a dash of my favourite JYP group, DAY6. They get to show off the vocal skills they developed since we last saw them as a duo and, most of all, their range of wistful looks. Also, I love that for once they didn’t have to sing about love and how right a girl is, but rather about having to face tough decisions as they grow up. Live: M Countdown 17/08 – Genie showcase Other songs of note: Coming Home – On & On

  27. Palette – IU ft. G-Dragon

I don’t know why, I’ve never been a huge fan of IU until I watched Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo and found a sudden connection with her that I had never felt before. Her most recent album has helped bringing together my love for actress IU with singer IU. In an industry where being honest and clever is nobody’s priority, she manages to sound real and in control of what she does without abandoning her pop roots. I’m not sure many artists would manage to make an introspective song sound so pleasant and calm. Live:  Inkigayo 23/04 – Music Bank 28/04 Other songs of note: Can’t Love You Anymore ft. Oh Hyuk

  26. Archangels Of The Sephiroth – Stellar

If there had to be a swan song for Stellar, I’m glad it was Archangels Of The Sephiroth. With two members having already left and the other two on the way out, this was 100% the last single they put out with the formation we knew and loved, and we can’t even blame them for leaving. It’s a fact that this doesn’t have anything to do with their previous concepts, but I love the pseudo-satanic, pseudo-mystical vibe and I would have loved for them to keep going on this path. Archangels Of The Sephiroth gets more interesting with every listen, and the video is creepier with each view (bathtub of blood anyone?). As the song says, we really did love them till the end. Live: Inkigayo 09/07 – Music Bank 07/07

  25. Signal – Twice

Signal is by far the best Twice song ever – it’s interesting, kind of weird, and not necessarily super cute. Obviously the majority of the public hated it, and back to Likey we went. I love the bassline pushed right at the front, the dissonant harmonies, the fact that some of the mute members finally got to sing. Of everything they’ve released in 2017 (four comebacks is a lot for anyone) this is the only choice that doesn’t feel safe and completely within their sexy baby wheelhouse. They even get to have a proper storyline in the video, which is a rarity. Live:  Show Music Core 03/06 – Inkigayo 21/05 Other songs of note: Knock Knock – 24/7

  24. Wake Me Up – Taeyang

It’s kind of sad to think that this could be the last Taeyang single for years and years. At least it’s a ballad, so we will be able to all cry together when we listen to it after he’s enlisted.This album felt properly his – something that he created and composed, rather than something that was given to him to perform. Not that he’s ever lacked emotion, but Wake Me Up has a depth that is only second to Eyes Nose Lips. Live:  Inkigayo 20/08 – Fantastic Duo 03/09 Other songs of note: White Night – So Good

  23. Move – Taemin

This is possibly (definitely) the sexiest song of 2017. Taemin has such an eye for taking trends from the West and making them current for Korean audiences, as well as constantly changing his image while staying true to himself. I can’t get enough of the elegant electropop of Move, with the bass and the voice parts creating one of the sexiest musical combinations of 2017. Taemin carries a song that could have been much less interesting in the hands of an artist with less expressiveness. I don’t know if it’s the thought of the choreography, but this song always makes me blush a little. Live: Seoul Fashion Week – M Countdown 19/10 Other songs of note: – Rise – Day and Night

  22. Untitled 2014 – G-Dragon

If a ballad from Taeyang was expected, it certainly wasn’t from G-Dragon. I’m not sure how much truth there is the gimmick of titling the album with his real name and saying that he was finally stepping away from his persona, but Untitled 2014 feels painfully raw and real. Whatever happens from now on – after all the members of Bigbang enlist and eventually return to music – this album and this song will be a milestone in his career, and the perfect summary of what he’s done in the past eleven years. Live: ACT III M.O.T.T.E in Taipei 08/10 Other songs of note: Bullshit

  21. Change Up – Seventeen

You could take any random combination of Seventeen members and they would be able to put up an incredible show for you. This has been proven over and over by them, but I think that the Change Up subunit – the leaders of the standard subunits – has proven this definitively. I wouldn’t have thought of this song for them in a million years, yet they perform it convincingly and make it the catchiest Seventeen song of this year. Also, who knew that Woozi could have such swagger? Live: Mnet showcase Other songs of note: Don’t Wanna Cry – Clap – Habit – Rocket

  20. Rollin’ – Brave Girls

Every time I say “tropical house”, I add “drink!”. It has been so omnipresent in k-pop this year that it has been impossible to avoid. I skipped over Rollin’ the first few times I stumbled upon it because there were enough marimbas in my life, but I gave into the hype and this ended up being one of the most played songs of my year. As of last year, Brave Girls have an entirely new line-up – and yes, they did deserve a new name – and I hope that they will be the new bastion of sexy concepts now that there is no real mid-point between Laysha and cute concepts.  Live: M Countdown 03/09 – Show Champion Ep. 219

19. Never – Produce 101/Wanna One

This technically doesn’t count as a Wanna One song, but I’m pretty sure that if there is a song that symbolizes Produce 101 and the rise of the nation’s boy group, it’s Never . Written by Hui of Pentagon, another of my favourite groups, this song starts quietly, and slowly adds more elements until it gets to one of the best chorus drops of 2017. It made me wish that they had kept it for the final group instead of using it during the programme, and I wasn’t surprised at all when it was re-recorded by the final formation. Live: Wanna One version at KCON LA Other songs of note:  Energetic – Burn It Up

  18. Singing In The Rain – Jinsoul (LOONA)

Looking at the sheer amount of material that pre-debut group Loona have released this year gives me palpitations. A million members and subunits filled each month of 2017, and almost all the releases have been excellent – overall, they probably were the best group of the year. Jinsoul’s Singing In The Rain was my favourite song released – not by far, though, seeing the overall quality. I was especially impressed with how they managed to have Jinsoul sing and rap seamlessly, and how the song manages to be sexy without being inappropriate for a very young girl. And, of course, it’s a banger. Other songs of note: Loona released dozens of songs this year, so this is just a tiny selection of my favourites. Eclipse (Kim Lip) – new (Yves) – Sweet Crazy Love (Odd Eye Circle) – Loonatic (Odd Eye Circle) – Sonatine (1/3)

  17. Body Talk – Red Velvet

To me, this is one of the best songs by Red Velvet ever. Only a company like SM could waste it and have it  relegated to the b-sides of their mini albums; it’s a fantastic mid-tempo track that showcases the best vocal skills of the group, and allows them to sound about fifteen years older than title track Rookie. At least, in the arc of their three thousand 2017 comebacks, they managed to go from the childish image that they had patented in 2016 to the sultrier “velvet” image they have abandoned ages ago, even if it’s still paired with a “red” song. Other songs of note: Peek-A-Boo – Red Flavour – You Better Know – Would You – Talk To Me

  16. Circle’s Dream – Subin (Dalshabet)

Dalshabet haven’t had the best luck in their career. Subin is yet another amazing soloist that was in a group when she released a song, and has now left the label and disbanded her girl group. Seeing her solo by itself, it’s actually had to imagine her as part of bubbly Dalshabet: she is sensual, allusive, and her music is weird and enthralling. I love her voice and I love the ideas she has for herself – ideas that are far removed from traditional k-pop. The elements of this song are few, but she manages to create such a clever repetitive, circular structure with them, echoing the themes of the lyrics and capturing the listener. Subin is technically a solo artist now, so I am hoping we will get to hear much more of this.

  15. Yes No Maybe – Suzy

What makes me mad about Yes No Maybe is that nobody heard it. I can’t imagine how well it would have done if the now officially defunct Miss A would have released it, instead of Suzy now that her popularity is entirely tied to her acting and advertising career. It’s also true that she has always been my favourite Miss A, so it was delightful to see her come out with a debut album that does something interesting and doesn’t package her as the sexy ingenue character that she’s had since the beginning of time. Yes No Maybe strikes the balance between being  Latin, dancey song and a more introspective pop piece. Unlike half of her former group, Suzy has signed a new contract with JYP. Here’s hoping she gets to do more excellent, slightly left-field pop music. Live: &Live

  14. A Girl Like Me – Gugudan

It is still surprising that I don’t find the awkward beeping samples in the song insufferable, but the truth is that I love the weirdness and how it’s amplified by the singing parts. I already knew in February that this would be one of my favourite concepts of the year, and it is: there aren’t enough songs about how great the girls are, as opposed to their love interest. It’s not female empowerment, but I have the feeling we can’t get much closer. I love it even more considering how terrible their following comeback was . Live:  Music Bank 03/03 – SBS Korea Music Festival

  13. Island – Winner

It goes without saying that Winner is my favourite group in current k-pop, and they can hardly do any wrong in my eyes. However, this entire year could have been a disaster: they had to come back from losing a member who was the main singer and composer for the group. Island has the tropical (drink!) elements of their 2017 hit Really Really, but it’s a bit less conventional, and the video is delightful and incredibly romantic. Live: Inkigayo 06/08 Other songs of note: Really Really

  12. As If It’s Your Last – BLACKPINK

While I find most complaints against YG idiotic, it is absolutely true that having Blackpink release one single song in an entire year is ridiculous. The only good thing is that the song was brilliant, and I’m still not bored of it after having seen it performed at least fifty times. When it came out I found it really frankensteiny, but at this point the structure seems perfectly reasonable and linear to me (Stockholm syndrome at its best). Live: SBS Gayo Daejun – Show Music Core 01/07 Other songs of note: So Hot (Wonder Girls remix)

  11. Cactus – A.C.E

Every year I end up falling in love with one rookie group that will probably not see their third birthday, and in 2017 it was the turn of kings of thighs A.C.E., who singlehandedly resurrected early 90’s eurodance with their debut single Cactus . It was the one of a kind title of their song that attracted me, the weirdness of the thigh dance that drew me in, and everything else that made me stay. They are great singers, charismatic performers and can stand the most high-intensity dance of 2017 without blinking. I am so attached to A.C.E (and Dreamcatcher, full disclosure) that I broke my promise to never watch a survival show again and I am following Mixnine for them. Live:  Music Bank 02/06 – Music Bank 26/05

  10. Dinosaur – AKMU

What I love about AKMU is that when they try different genres, they always put so much of them into the song: nobody else could sing Dinosaur apart from them. It’s so simple, yet so full of detail; it’s true that it has EDM elements, but it’s not even remotely a club song. I’m still shocked every time I hear Suhyun hit those dolphin-high notes. The Stranger-Things-y video is still one of the most beautiful releases of  this year. Live: Dingo Music Other songs of note: My Darling – Reality

  9. Beautiful – Monsta X

This is yet another song of a overcrowded production that I am totally in love with. The bleeps and bloops leave plenty of space for the members to show their skill – especially Kihyun, who could sing literally anything to me at this point. Just like All In , Beautiful feels like the refined version of the chaotic, loud concepts Monsta X began with. There are raps and aggressive parts, but they are striving for a higher concept than “street urchins” now, and it’s reflected in their music. Live: 2017 MAMA in Japan – Show Champion Ep. 226 Other songs of note: Dramarama –  Now or Never – Shine Forever – I’ll Be There

  8. Runaway – Pentagon

Pentagon have already done a lot for being a group that has debuted just over a year ago. Of all these releases, Runaway is my favourite without any doubt: for me it strikes the right balance between the trendy elements that Hui has been carrying over from his Produce 101 successes, and the rougher concepts that Pentagon had to begin with. I find it hooky without being too in your face, and moody without being full-on tragic. Live:  Inkigayo 03/12 – Inkigayo 26/11 Other songs of note:  Critical Beauty – Violet – Like This – Get That Drink

  7. Boy – EXID

EXID are my everything. I feel bad for choosing Boy as my favourite song they’ve produced this year, when Night Rather Than Day was such a classy, unusual choice for them and Boy is just another dance song. Unfortunately, it’s just monstrously catchy, and my love for it eclipses (get it?) everything else they’ve released. Live: M Countdown 13/04 – Show Champion ep. 224 Other songs of note: Night Rather Than Day – DDD

  6. Chase Me – Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher are my rookies of the year. After scrapping the cute concept and adding a couple of members, they spent twelve months delivering a series of metal-inspired, horror-themed comebacks that managed to showcase the members’ talents.  While all their singles are amazing, there is something special about Chase Me and its chorus, mixing hammering instrumentals and creepy falsettos. There is no doubt that the only way from here is up, and there is nothing gives me as much joy as a girl group with a non-cute concept being (relatively) successful. Much bigger groups and bigger companies have refrained from embarking on international tours but Dreamcatcher have left survival show Mixnine to go on one. I can’t wait to see what these queens do in 2018. Live: M Countdown 19/01 – Music Bank 03/02 Other songs of note: Fly High – Wake Up – Sleep Walking – Good Night – Lucky Strike (Maroon 5 cover)

  5. Love & Affection – Seohyun

Seohyun’s solo came and went almost unnoticed at the beginning of this year: it was smothered by Taeyeon’s releases and the inevitable run-up to SNSD’s tenth anniversary. It really saddens me to no end that, now that Seohyun has left SM Entertainment, she seems to be going for an acting career, when she is such an amazing vocalist with such unique colours. With even her lead single receiving little attention, there was no hope for her b-sides. But Love & Affection is a masterpiece, with a booming chorus and a surprise ending, and what I hope to see if she ever decides to make more music under her new label.

  4. I Would – DAY6

There is only one criticism that I have for JYP and DAY6: there must be something else they want to do that’s not singing about love and heartbreak in pretty conventional ways. For the rest, there are only good things to say about the 25 songs they put out this year. It was hard to pick just one song to put in the list, and to be honest there are two or three other candidates I feel kind of guilty for cutting out. Live: EBS Space 11/05 – Kiss The Radio 04/08 Other songs of note: DAY6 released 25 songs this year, so this is just a tiny selection of my favourites. Goodbye Winter – You Were Beautiful – How Can I Say – I Wait – Lean On Me

  3. Good Thing – NCT 127

Despite the complete chaos that surrounds NCT at all times, I keep loving most of their releases (except Cherry Bomb , which I hated): they were my #1 and #3 most played song on Spotify with Good Thing and Limitless respectively. I love Good Thing in itself, but I also wish that NCT didn’t keep circling around that pseudo hip-hop, trappy, appropriative concept they’ve been given a million times and they did something brighter, poppier, that sets them apart from the three hundred hip-hop concepts that are going around without slipping into Astro territory. Live: M Countdown 05/01 – Show Music Core 07/01 Other songs of note: Limitless – 0 Mile – Back 2 U (AM 01:27)

  2. Tendae – Bobby

In an excruciatingly adorable interview for MTV Japan, Bobby says that with his debut album he wanted to show that he can do more than rap, and reveal his romantic side. I had already become obsessed with Bobby’s sing-rapping a long time ago, so Love And Fall gave be nothing but joy. His lyrics show that he’s capable of putting complex emotions in words, and most of all he is also completely able to translate that in his singing. 텐데 is sweet, heartbreaking, sexy. Bobby is one of the best performers of his generation, if not the best. Other songs of note:  Runaway – In Love

  1. Gashina – Sunmi

If there is one thing that Sunmi has taught us this year, it’s that there is a life after girl group disbandments. She came back singing about heartbreak and vengeance with dark humour and double entendres, a super-sexy choreography and a vibe that couldn’t be more far from the current sugary girl group trends. Everything about Gashina is iconic, from the song itself to the lyrics to the costumes to the choreography. Sunmi was without any doubt the queen of 2017. Live: Inkigayo 10/09 aka the iconic genderswapped performance – MAMA 2017 ft Taemin – Inkigayo 27/08

[superbatson]

frozen denver: a reaction post

yeah, i decided to watch the frozen boot in its entirety on a snow day. it seemed appropriate enough. 😜

act one

i really dig this narrator/troll guy. he’s kinda hot (but that’s probably bc he’s shirtless constantly with tattoos/body paint and biceps & abs for days... mm, yes)

i like the diversity aspect of having elsa & anna’s dad be black. only, for the show to be realistic, elsa & anna shouldn’t be so light-skinned. while it is possible to have mixed parents and come out as white-passing, it’s more likely/common for the kids’ skins to be at least somewhat dark/medium. both girls don’t look mixed at all.

ooh, the “monster” melody appears in the beginning? i love it! (with bonus foreshadowing, yes please!)

patti is a really good anna. she’s quite adorable, and her voice is a really good fit for the character.

these ice projects are fantastic, i especially love the ones on the objects elsa’s holding when she first appears

bringing the remaining cast of characters in for “first time in forever” is a very smart move. it really makes it feel like this song is more the opening number, despite what we’ve already seen/heard so far. now the real story can begin.

hans is reeeeeally awkward in the beginning, wow. he wasn’t like this in the original film. a little awkward/clumsy, yeah, but not any more than anna. he’s like ten times more awkward than anna now, but john as a cute smile, so i’ll give him that.

weaselton’s tango is kind of unnecessary, but still a fun little transition between scenes. kinda makes the show feel more like a movie, since that’s more something that you’d find in a movie than a broadway show.

even if i was never a huge fan of the original movie, “love is an open door” has definitely been my favorite song from this franchise ever since i saw it, and john & patti sound even better singing this song than kristen & santino. i love this performance.

i’ll admit, i watched this performance before when i initially downloaded the boot and gosh, the slightly adult-ish humor is great. anna’s hand sliding down han’s chest, hilarious! these lil dorks really don’t know how to flirt.

i love the dance break!!!! it’s so cute and fun! and very in-character.

best part of that number has to be how quickly-yet-gradually john’s curls begin to fall loose. they’re just everywhere by the end, and i love it!

oh god now they’re making out as they transition scenes... this is a family show!

i just noticed that when anna comes back out to officially meet/team up with kristoff, the strip of white in her hair has gotten bigger... i’m guessing the whiteness will continue to grow as the show goes on?

oh no i really like jelani’s voice too. what the heck, this cast is so talented?!?!

i love the production design for this show. it really makes you feel like you’re in a cold, snowy, frozen place. (but the same can be said for ghd, because that also did a really good job of setting the mood in terms of the weather of the show.)

this is now the second time anna’s been lifted up in the air (or, i guess, swept off her feet... *ba dum tss*) by a male character in the show... is there supposed to be a height joke there?

they really could have done a better job with how they incorporate olaf into the show, at least from a design standpoint. everything so far makes the show seem realistic, like it could be set in the real world - or, say, like a live-action movie. but olaf looking exactly like the animated movie? terrible. i get that he has a particular look to him, but disney, please change it going into broadway, thanks.

(i don’t even care if they give him black, button eyes that could make him look creepier. it’ll be realistic, and we all learned to love the hyper-realistic cgi characters of 2017′s beauty and the beast, right?)

greg is... alright as olaf. a little too much like a gad copycat to me. and while i understand how much the kids like “in summer” and it shows how adorable dumb olaf is as a character, is it really necessary in the broadway show? it’s just too much of a break from the main plot of the show.

oh, look, they fixed john’s hair, ha, that’s great. there’s just like a single curl falling on his forehead now.

ohh, yes, give me this assertive leader hans. i love this character growth. (bc i’m the weirdo who’s always loved hans, even when he ends up being evil. sue me.)

“let it go” is such an overrated song, but damn, does it make a good act one closer! (and that ice dress is gorgeous, ugh, best costume of the show so far.)

act two

oh no they kept the trading post guy. why

wait, he’s just talking to the audience. i guess this is a filler-type thing to give people some extra time in the bathroom or getting snacks/merch? eh, alright. glad more shows are doing that now, though i’ll always make sure i’m right back in my seat the second the curtain lifts again for act two.

he has a song too. yeah, this is all filler. let’s see if this song is better than “poor pirates”. (it probably won’t be, but who knows?)

answer: it’s not. it’s very lame and kind of annoying, really.

aw, i kind of liked anna in the practical winter gear. but i guess this second dress is even more notable (for her) from the movie, so it was kind of inevitable that they’d incorporate it, right?

kristoff getting excited over the castle made entirely of ice. i like this little addition to the script.

i’ve forgotten how good elsa’s part in this “first time in forever” reprise is. can i get a studio recording of that as a solo?

it makes sense that they’d do away with the snow monster thing that sends anna, kristoff, and olaf out, but i’m confused as to what actually did send them out. more snow? a big gust of wind? elsa separating herself with more ice walls? what???

another olaf song? really? is that necessary?

they kept the “i don’t have a skull, or bones” line. that’s, like, the only olaf line i like, so, good.

ohhh, yeah, the trolls are still there and they’re still kristoff’s parents. i’m suddenly remembering the line in the opening about the trolls raising some human kids...

“fixer upper” also feels like a very unnecessary song??? i dunno, maybe i’m just sick of it from the movie. (or i just never liked it anyway)

the troll leader guy’s name is pabbie. just listing that here, for, uh, safe keeping...

watching the original movie again recently, i came to the realization that kristoff’s a very one-dimensional character with not a lot of growth or depth or anything like that. i’m still not completely sold on him as a character here, but i’ll admit, he has a lot more personality now. and this lullaby further helps to show that. good for you, frozen on broadway. you fixed something from the original film.

i just noticed that the troll guy’s - pabbie! - tail moves. not just with the motion of him walking, but it swings back and forth, more than i think it naturally would from the motion of walking. such a cool little detail!

it might be because i’ve listened to it several times before, but “monster” is definitely my favorite new song written for this show on broadway. it shows more of elsa’s fear about not controlling her powers and fear that others will fear her. it’s also just really catchy. kind of goes with “hope” in terms of super powerful and darn good broadway songs.

“if i die, would they be free?” yup, this song definitely goes hand-in-hand with “hope”. (though it’s a bit dark for a disney song...)

“she’s scared, so back off” SEE I TOLD YOU HANS IS A GOOD GUY #justiceforhans2k18

“why do you protect her?” “......for anna.” me:

.

(the only ships i care about for frozen are hans/anna and hans/elsa, sorry)

ohhh, john’s delivery of the “if only there was someone out there who loved you” line is good. i love how he smiles and laughs before saying it.

(i especially love how it’s really the same smile we saw before, that looked all cute, sweet, and innocent, but now it has a dark, evilness to it. eee, it’s great!)

(i’m a sucker for good villains, if you couldn’t already tell)

a third, sinister version of “hans of the southern isles”? yes please!

my prediction from earlier was right: patti’s wig is whiter now, to go with how more and more frozen anna’s becoming

HIS LIL EVIL LAUGH AHH YES

okay, two little flaws with the scene i’m watching (i had no comments on the “true love” song or anna’s conversastion with olaf) - hans should be  more sad/solemn when he says that anna’s dead, not just yelling it? i mean, he can be loud, but at least show some emotion. and isn’t elsa there to hear that anna’s supposedly dead? she should be there to hear the news so that she’s defeated enough that hans has the opportunity to kill her...

oh, these ensemble members in all white are supposed to represent the storm... that’s cool!

now, elsa’s finding out that anna’s “dead”... nevermind about my previous criticism, then

“may i kiss you?” “yes, you may!” oh, that’s cute

so hans gets punched and then just stumbles offstage - will we get any more closure with him in the next five minutes, or no?

ohh, i like this “love is an open door”/”true love” mashup

overall thoughts

i honestly can’t wait to download this album/stream it on spotify. it’s really good. as i have said and will continue to say, i didn’t like the original film, but dammit, this show has officially sold me on the franchise. i kind of love it.

i don’t know who i want to win now at the tony’s. i mean, frozen has freakin’ oscars, so if it loses, i’ll be fine, and if it wins, i won’t be surprised, but the actors? between this cast and spongebob, i just don’t know. one of the ladies here, more likely cassie, should definitely win for best actress. as for the men, well, obviously my preferences like with ethan for lead and gavin for supporting, but john and jelani are really good too. and it’s really a tie for song & lyrics, both shows are so good. even the frozen costumes are great, though spongebob’s are just a little more creative when it comes to the ensemble...

going back to the music, i also hope they keep some of the score pieces for the soundtrack. the score’s really good.

i also think everyone’s well-cast in each of their respective roles. no one seems out of place here. the show can only get better when it transitions to broadway.

[softpink]

A Year on Spotify: 2017

100. Fat Lip - Sum 41 - I can’t believe this song invented music.

It’s none of your concern, I guess I’ll never learn I’m sick of being told to wait my turn

99. Energy - Drake - I love being part white.  This was a go to gym song when I was in a bad mood, which was A LOT over the summer.

I got girls in real life trying to fuck up my day, fuck going online that ain’t part of my day

98. Bad Girls - M.I.A. - Erin and I always listen to this song while driving anywhere together, even though we are the two least bad people I know.

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

97. Nerve - The Story So Far - You know, I used to always complain about how the self titled was their worst album.  In the past year, I have found that I actually like this album better than What You Don’t See. You set your pace, I’ll keep mine too

96. Seventy Times Seven - Brand New - Too bad Jesse Lacey is a TRASH CAN and Brand New is CANCELLED.  I’ve honestly just stopped listening to Brand New near the end of 2017.  Too many of the song (Maradona, Sudden Death, Sic Transit Gloria, etc) made me TOO uncomfortable. This song is still better than There’s No “I” In Team tho Have another drink and drive yourself home, I hope there’s ice on all the roads And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt, and again when your head goes through the windshield

95. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac - This song STILL slaps.  I’ve never cheated on someone, I’ve never been cheated on, but damn this entire makes feel like I’ve done both of those thing excessively.

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel?

94. There, There - The Wonder Years - This is my PEAK anxiety song.  I’ve never had a song that encapsulates what my specific anxieties feel like so well.

I’ve got my heart strung up on clothing lines through tenement windows in mid-July

93. Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift - This song is so GOOD. Have you ever been hooking up with someone in secret? Ever had to end things with someone when you didn’t want to? Ever only have fond memories of someone? This is the song for YOU.  I remember listening to this song a lot freshman year of college in the fall, how long ago that seems.

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset babe Red lips and rosy cheeks, say you’ll see me again even if it’s just in your wildest dreams

92. Goodmorning - Bleachers - I am pretty sure I dream about Mike more than anyone in my friend group.  I will have these intense, real dreams where I can feel him.  I will have hazy, abstract dreams where maybe I can’t see him, but I wake up and I know he’s there.  I have nightmares about the accident.  I have dreams that are just a movie reel of our old memories.  Sometimes it’s wonderful, getting visited by him, but sometimes it can almost be debilitating.  This song captures that feeling perfectly.

Woke up, I’m in the inbetween, honey One foot out and I know the weight is coming, because I left it by the bed last night Open my eyes, and I stare and pray for light Always one foot out when you say goodbye to the one that you love, one dream away from the  ones above That’s such a rhythm in my life these days, so I hold on tight and I learn to behave

91. Using - Sorority Noise - Not gonna kill myself 2k17

I stopped wishing I was dead, learned to love myself before anyone else

90. Bugatti (Remix) - Ace Hood - This is a defining song of my friendship with Will.

I’mma say this, fuck it I’ll say it: if you got good pussy you should always have your rent paid

89. Falling In Love Again - Joyce Manor - I remember when I had my first time with Michael, this song was stuck in my head.  I remember his sports themed wallpaper border in his old bedroom.  I remember looking at the streetlights reflecting off of his window pane.  I remember total bliss.  I remember his soft kisses, how held me so close afterwards.

I think you’re funny, I like your friends, I like the way the treat you I’ve got some money that we could spend, not that you’re like that I’m falling in love again I’m falling in love again

88. Nasty Habits - You Me At Six - I miss old YMAS. I wish Night People wasn’t wannabe Black Keys junk.

I’ve got you breathing all heavy and deep, gasping for air and down on your knees You’re in love for only as long as you want to

87. Shimmer - Moose Blood - I remember sending this to Molly, I want to send her my deepest apologies.  This song is so sad, I’m glad it doesn’t apply to my life anymore.

It’s been awhile since I saw you You don’t look the same, you taste different too

86. Run Away With Me - Carly Rae Jepsen - This was the first song we listened to on the DC roadtrip.  That was one of the best weekends of my life, I can’t wait for all the places Maddy, Will, and I go in the future.

Oh baby, take me to the feeling I’ll be your sinner in secret When the lights go out, run away with me

85. Something Right - Microwave - This song makes me irrationally sad?

Last night you told me you were pregnant My throat collapsed, I couldn’t breathe You said there’s a little man inside you, who looks a little bit like me

84. Reckless Love - Bleachers - I love having to come to terms with emotional and sexual abuse! People fucking suck!

So give me a chance to remember, what I’ve given up to defend you I have burned my dreams away, to stand in the broken shadows of your reckless love

83. You Tore Out My Heart - Tiny Little Houses - I remember listening to this a lot in August.  August was a hard month.

I’m so tired of being afraid, and I’m so sick of wasting away And there’s no truth in whatever you say You tore my heart out again and again

82. The Let Down - Seaway - This is their best song

Oh it’s all the same, if you feel the same we’ll never change

81. Meet Me In the Hallway - Harry Styles - THIS! ALBUM! DESERVED! MORE! It’s so good.  It’s the best thing anyone post split has put out.  I listened to this album non stop when it came out.  This song sounds like a dream I’ve had in the past.  This song sounds like hoping for that late night text, this song sounds like longing.

We don’t talk about it, it’s something we don’t do Because once you go without it, nothing else will do

80. Closer - Chainsmokers - I know everyone hates this song but I like this song whoops

Four years no call, now I’m looking pretty in a hotel bar

79. Local Man Ruins Everything - The Wonder Years - This song has gotten me through every single rough patch in my life.  Anytime that I’ve needed to move on from something in life, this is THE song.

I don’t have roses in the closet, but I’ve got pictures in a drawer It’s everything left in me not to stare at them anymore

78. I Think I You Were In My Profile Picture Once - Modern Baseball - This song used to remind me vaguely of Scott way back in the day, but now it is purely a Mike song.  I remember laying in my bedroom with all the lights off after the funeral and just listening to this song. It’s funny how drastically things can change.

Covered in bottles with the stench of a loss of life And I know that it’s quite heartbreaking we won’t speak like this again

77. Blissth - Sorority Noise - Emotional trauma: the song

You’ll always be like a nightmare to me, and I’ll always be begging for sleep

76. Don’t Take the Money - Bleachers - Do you ever have a song that just makes you feel alive? This is that song.

You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it

75. 10 Bands - Drake - This is the best song off of If You’re Reading This… This is THE Drake song to listen to while driving in rain at night when you’re pissed off.  I can’t tell you how many times this summer I would drive around blasting this song being pissed off.  Also, my favorite lyric to this song? Iconic.

My ex asked me “where you moving?” I said onto better things

74. I Wish You Would - Taylor Swift - I don’t remember listening to this that much this year? This was a genuine surprise to see.  I DID listen to this a lot in the early fall of 2015, when things were in a weird place with Scott.  Once again, that feels so long ago geez.  I remember feeling like this song was all I was ever going to feel like.  Thank God for moving on, Thank God for change.

It’s 2 A.M. in your car, you pass my street, the memories start You say it’s in the past, you drive straight ahead You’re thinking that I hate you now because you still don’t know what I never said I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did I wish you knew that, I’ll never forget you as long I live

73. 505 - Arctic Monkeys - Has a song ever given you anxiety, made you sad, and made you want to get laid all at the same time?

But I crumble completely when you cry, it seems like once again you have to greet me with goodbye

72. Chicago Is So Two Years Ago - Fall Out Boy - This song makes me want to punch every person who has ever wronged me DIRECTLY in the face. You want apologies? Girl you might hold your breath until your breathing stops, forever The only thing you’ll get is this curse on your lips, I hope they taste of me forever

71. Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift - I love Bleachers.  Anyway, I love to listen to this song while driving by myself late at night, it’s a very surreal feeling.

Looking at it now, last December We were built to fall apart, then fall back together

70. Dakota - A Rocket to the Moon - If Molly or Bethany is in the car, this song is never skipped.  I miss power pop.

I know that she barely knows me, and I’m fake in love with her It’s like I’m singing karaoke, and I forgot the second verse, but I can make up my own words

69. Harvard - Diet Cig - Remember when my ex, who I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS decided to send me a long ass message apologizing for shit that I no longer desired an apology for? Remember when this happened in a fucking Denny’s? Remember when at the end of the message, he somehow managed to make it all about himself and his annoying ass liberal arts school in the woods of Vermont? 2017 was the year of people not being able to Leave Me Alone.

Does it feel better in your ivy league sweater? Put your work shoes on, and talk about her at your shitty job. Does it feel better in that cold Boston weather? Fuck your ivy league sweater, you know I was better.

68. Corrigan - Sorority Noise - I remember listening to this song while driving to the job I hated.  This song has nothing to do with working a dead end desk job, but I always seem to associate it with that?

I will never be the one you need I only hope to be the solid ground beneath your feet I will never be the turning of your leaves I only hope to be the one you call when you can’t sleep

67. Fall Into These Arms - New Politics - This was also a surprise, I don’t remember listening to this a lot this year.  It is on a lot of my playlists because it’s catchy af, so that must be why it made the list.  I remember listening to this in fall of 2015 (honestly, what WASN’T I listening to a lot in fall of 2015) while feeling like I was drowning in poor choices.

Fall into these arms, and spend the night with a stranger like me

66. Style - Ryan Adams - This song is HOT. Also my favorite line really resonates with me. This has been in my top 100 since 2015 when this came out, it’s SO good.

You’ve got that long brown hair thing that I like You’ve got that good girl faith and ass so tight

65. Right Back At It Again - A Day To Remember - Wow I love being emo? This song always reminds me of the Cheektowaga gang.

So here I am, right back at it again, just like I always said

64. Pretense - Knuckle Puck - There are about five KP songs total that I enjoy, but this song SLAPS. This was another song that I would listen to a lot in August of this year.

Consider this the repercussion of the actions you were never properly punished for Due to an overbearing demeanor brought on by your own self awareness Your credibility is a half empty glass of salt water that I watched you spill over and over and over again Go ahead, make me the bad guy

63. Grapefruit - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - This is THE SADDEST SONG TO EVER BE WRITTEN.  I listened to this whole album a lot throughout this year, it’s such a good depression album.

In all my dreams, I’m in the house that I grew up in I’m trying to be half the man I know my dad is, or was I see me as a father, looking over a daughter Who grew up to be just like you, and now It’s just a thread I can’t hold onto It’s just an open wound

62. HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar - This was a go to gym song for the first half of the year, but honestly by the second half of the year I was way more into DNA.

Girl, I can buy your ass the world with my paystub

61. Doses & Mimosas - Cherub - Lol @ the time I went to a RAVE in 2017.  As someone who has never done drugs and doesn’t plan to, I don’t think I will be going to a rave ever again.  I did watch someone do cocaine right next to me in the middle of Town Ballroom.  Shit was wild.  Anyway, Cherub sucked live but I still love this song?

To all the bitch ass hoes who hate me the most, I hate you too

60. Your Graduation - Modern Baseball - This is another one of those songs that I thought I would be stuck living for the rest of my life.  I remember listening to this song on a constant loop for MONTHS my junior year of high school.  I remember making Scott listen to this when we were both very drunk, and for the first time in his life he actually APOLOGIZED to me.  NOW, fast forward to 2017 this is just a song that I like to jam out to.  I love positive growth, I hope I have even more of it in the coming year.

You weren’t the only one who thought of us that way I spend most nights awake, wide awake I never thought that I, that I would see the day Where I just let you go, let you walk away

59. Hands On Me - Ariana Grande - I’m gay

Skirt off, keep the high heels on

58. You Are In Love - Taylor Swift - The first time I heard this song, I cried so hard. It is truly Michael and I in a song. It’s so perfectly us.  It’s so beautiful.  Every single word in this song resonates with the both of us so much. I remember laying in his bed with him late at night, and he just held me while we listened to this song together.  I’m so corny, I love my boyfriend so much.

Morning, his place.  Burnt toast, Sunday. You keep his shirt, he keeps his word. And for once you let go of your fears and your ghosts. One step, not much, but it said enough. You kiss on sidewalks, you fight, and you talk One night he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses and says “you’re my best friend” And you knew what it was, he is in love

57. I’m The Best - Nicki Minaj - Whenever I want to drop out of school, I think about how disappointed Nicki would be, and I keep chugging along.

To all my bad bitches, I can see your halo

56. The Downfall Of Us All - A Day To Remember - It’s 2017 and this song still slaps

Duh duh duh duh duhduhduhduh duh duh duh duhduhduhduh 55. We All Float Down Here - Four Year Strong - It’s 2017 and this song ALSO still slaps.  I regret not going to their 10 year tour this past year, smh.

Too bad you never did have the guts to know where your heart should go

54. Septemberism - Man Overboard - This is song is the face of the early 10’s pop punk movement.  This the best pop punk song that will ever be written.  I only own Man Overboard merch. I remember feeling the floor buckle underneath us at Webster when they played this on the farewell tour.

I hate you, you should have picked up the phone tonight

53. If It Means A Lot To You - A Day To Remember - WOW I LOVE BEING EMO.  Remember when Molly and I were both crying to this song during their set and NO ONE noticed?

I swear I’ll never be happy again, and don’t you dare say we can just be friends

52. She’s Out Of Her Mind - Blink-182 - California is a bad album, but this is a great song.  It always reminds me of my sister, I can’t wait till she moves back to Buffalo.  It’s not the same without her around.

She’s got a black shirt, black skirt, and Bauhaus stuck in her head.

51. Out Of The Woods - Ryan Adams - This is better than the Taylor version, and the Taylor version is one of my all time favorite songs.  This songs sounds so different than the original.  It sounds so hopeless and SAD.

Two paper airplanes, flying, flying…..

50. Second Letter From St. Julien - Sorority Noise - While on the drive to the Sorority Noise concert: “Hey Maddy, what if they open with Second Letter?” “Nah they wouldn’t do that.” As you can imagine, that is exactly what happened.

And if you’re with God, am I making you proud by waking up each day?

49. The Waterboy Returns - Modern Baseball - For reasons unknown, I would always listen to this while driving to school this semester.  I can’t tell you why.  This song is a Mike song, so I was rolling up to 8 AM nursing lab in tears lmao.

It’s been a lifetime since we spoke last, I have a thousand things to say

48. Appointments - Julien Baker - This song makes me feel like I’m drowning, but in the best way.  The entire album was my favorite of 2017 and I am sure that every song will be in my most played of 2018.  She’s just too good.

Nothing turns out like I pictured it, maybe the emptiness is just a lesson in canvases

47. St. Joe Keep Us Safe - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - As a born and raised Catholic who is very close with their parents, this song makes me an unmeasurable amount of sad

I’m sorry Aaron, I know this year has been hard. If you’re hurt then you’re hurt, no I won’t make it worse, I’m always in your corner

46. Too Good - Drake - This is one of two good songs of Views.  

You’ve got somebody other than me Don’t play the victim when you’re with him

45. Feeling This - Blink-182 - This song makes me feel very sad, and brings me back to the summer when I was sixteen, depressed, and making terrible life choices

Fate fell short this time, your smile fades in the summer

44. Sundress - Tiny Moving Parts - This song reminds me of Robin and The Boys Cabin Trip 2017.  It was SO much fun this year.  It was a weekend of absolute fucking around.  We swam in the lake, we kayaked, we shot off BB guns, we cooked meals together and just bonded. Making jungle juice, playing pong in the yard, shooting off fireworks, popping champagne and getting Owen a graduation cake, doing shots of expensive tequila. Ben spending the night wrapped around the toilet, cleaning up plastic cups while everyone was still asleep in the morning because I was only one awake early in the morning.  Doing the Tops bottle return of shame, with a cart full of rattling bottles and cans.  I loved every second of that weekend.  I love that I’m still close with my high school friends, I love that I can still call them some of my best friends in life even if we don’t see each other too often.

Grab my hand let’s dance, like we used to in high school These are the golden years, let’s spend them holding beers One hand on the can, one hand in your hand, that’s my idea of romance I love you, at least I used to

43. From the Dining Table - Harry Styles - Wow I miss Haylor. This song is sad, like most songs I listen to, go figure.

Maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too Even my phone misses your call, by the way

42. Back to Back - Drake - Look, this summer was a whole bunch of bullshit and I’m glad it’s behind me

Trigger fingers turn to twitter fingers

41. Break Your Heart Right Back - Ariana Grande - This is an UNDERRATED Ariana song. It’s catch af, this was also a go to gym song this year.

I should have saw it coming, I should have saw the signs But I wanted to believe you, just you, you said you wouldn’t lie

40. Fourth of July - Fall Out Boy - All of my favorite FOB songs are written about Mikey Way

I wish I’d known how much you loved me, I wish I cared enough to know I’m sorry every song’s about you The torture of small talk with someone you used to love

39. Your Best Friend - Seaway - I lied, this is Seaway’s best song.  A great song for when you’re annoyed with people who you don’t want in your life anymore.

I hate when you whisper to me that you think you should be the one who could be taking me home Because you’ve got problems, and I never asked to solve them

38. Forever - Drake - I LOVE BASKETBALL

LIKE A SPRAINED ANKLE, BOY I AIN’T NOTHING TO PLAY WITH

37. Touch It - Ariana Grande - This concert with Maddy was an out of body experience honestly.  It was SO MUCH FUN.  This also started our tradition of post concert Jim’s.  This was one of the best days of 2017.

Remind me why we’re taking a break, it’s obviously insane Because we both know what we want, so why don’t we fall in love?

36. It’s Okay - Pentimento - Personal growth: the song

And it haunts me, every single world you said But I never thought I’d say this….it’s okay

35. The Place That You Love - Have Mercy - Being lied to sucks, I listened to this song a lot when all of that shit hit the fan.

So why’d you do it? Why are you selfish? Why can’t I trust you anymore? Where’s the sorry? No pity party, when you come and knock on my door

34. Moonlight - Ariana Grande - Dangerous Woman is a pop masterpiece, also I love my mans

He’s so bossy, he makes me dance Trying to sit in the back of his whip and just cancel my plans Sweet like candy, but he’s such a man

33. Cool - Gwen Stefani - Fun fact: The first time I realized I was attracted to women was when I watched this music video! Also this song is the ULTIMATE at peace with your ex song, and I am really happy to say that I believe I’ve reached that level of zen in my life

And I’ll be happy for you, if you can be happy for me Circles and triangles, and now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend So far from where we’ve been, I know we’re cool

32. Look What You Made Me Do - Taylor Swift - This is honestly the worst song off of Reputation, but I was just very excited when she released new music so I listened to it a whole bunch regardless

Maybe I got mine but you’ll all get yours

31. Heart Out - The 1975 - This song reminds me of the couple months between when Michael and I met, and when we actually started dating.  Specifically reminds me of the night of The Wonder Years show, March 5th 2016.  I remember him having his arm around me in Town Ballroom and feeling like everything was right in the world.

You’ve got something to say, why don’t you say it outloud? Instead of living in your head

30. Your Deep Rest - The Hotelier - This is one of my all time favorite songs.  This song punches me in the goddamn face every time I hear it

Your lack of love for your dearself is sapping all of us here out Trace your roots back to the ground, work out the problem for yourself

29. Thinking About You - Ariana Grande - I cried during this song at the concert.  This song is about masturbating.

Had me arching my back, had my eyes rolling back Now you love me so good, I wish you would hurry up and come back

28. Me vs.The Highway - The Wonder Years - Remember when they only played this at the Buffalo date? I almost blacked out, I was so excited.

I remember me at eighteen Naked in your parent’s basement, young and careless, watching you blow smoke rings

27. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper - That Park & Rec scene with April and Ann singing this? Yep.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time

26. Solo - The Story So Far - This is the best song off of the self titled don’t @ me

I wish you’d just call, and we could hash it out I could tell you what I’m so mad about

25. Disappeared - Sorority Noise - No song has ever explained long term grief like this one

I let my hair down today, and I took a shower for the first time in what felt like weeks

24. Happy Birthday - Tiny Moving Parts - I don’t smoke weed, but this song definitely makes me feel like I do

Getting stoned in the back of a car, you have no idea where you are But you’re satisfied with life, and you don’t think twice of it

23. New Scream - Turnover - I’m really glad I’m finally in a field of study that I feel confident and happy in.  When I was in the transition between Fredonia and nursing school, I was stressed out and sad. I felt so lost, and I would listen to this song all of the time for that year of my life.

Adolescent dreams gave to adult screams Paranoid that I won’t have all the things they say I need

22. Better Man - Little Big Town - I can’t believe Taylor Swift wrote one of her all time best songs and GAVE THAT SHIT AWAY!!!

You’re jealousy, I can hear it now.  You’re talking down to me, like I’ll always be around You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun, boy you never thought I’d run Sometimes in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man

21. 6 God - Drake - Another go to gym song AND driving around while in a bad mood song.  This was Drake’s last good album smh

And just like every single other thing in my life, you can have her when I’m finished

20. Die For You - The Weekend - Do you really get in a fight with your partner if you don’t listen to this song?

Even though we’re going through it, and it makes you feel alone Just know that I would die for you

19. Humming - Turnover - Molly told me to listen to this song when Michael and I started dating, because in her words “it’s the ultimate lovers song.” and holy fuck, she was right.

Show me why you’re always smiling, laugh again and make me fall in love

18. Settle Down - The 1975 - This is the best song off of the self titled, no question

You’re cold and I burn, I guess I’ll never learn

17. Wild Heart - Bleachers - Strange Desire as a whole is a very important album to me.  It really got me through Mike’s death, and continues to to do this day

Now everything has changed, and it’s only you that matters I will find anyway to your wild heart

16. IV. Sweatpants - Childish Gambino - I think I listened to this every single day in the month of August, holy shit.

You’re faker than some sweet and low

15. Our Apartment - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - I remember being SUPER SICK at this concert, and Michael took care of me so well the whole time. I love my peach so much oh my God.

I found enough of your hairpins to build you a monument, a statue to loneliness

14. I’m Serious, I’m Sorry - Jeff Rosenstock - The lyric I’m about to share is my autobiography and I’m going to get the entire thing tattooed down my ribs like the Jasey Rae girl. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve screamed this bridge in my car while driving by myself down the 990.

Were you supposed to not go to college? Stay in your mom’s house on the computer Googling grief cures, talking to no one Waiting for life to start feeling better Waiting for pain to not be a constant

13. A Change Of Heart - The 1975 - Such a good “I’ve moved on” song

You used to have a face straight out a magazine, now you just look like anyone

12. …Ready For It? - Taylor Swift - I’m gay

In the middle of the night, in my dreams You should see the things we do, baby

11. Two Ghosts - Harry Styles - WOW I MISS HAYLOR

We’re not who we used to be We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

10. I Don’t Fuck With You - Big Sean - I’m so glad this made the top ten. Thank you to Big Sean for CLEANSING us with this song.

Everyday I wake up celebrating shit, why? Because I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch

9. I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers - This song has been integral in me coming to terms with grief and bettering myself as a person.  This is the ultimate hype track.

I chase that feeling of an eighteen year old who didn’t know what loss was

8. Love Me - The 1975 - This is the song that really got me into The 1975

A decline in the standards are what we accept

7. One Last Time - Ariana Grande - This is the most underrated of all of her singles, smh.  It’s so good?

I don’t really care if you’ve got her in your heart I really care is you wake up in my arms So one last time, I need to be the one who takes you home

6. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars - This song takes my breath away. It’s so fucking real, it’s so accurate. I love this song so much, I’m surprised it isn’t higher on this list to be honest.

It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose I’ll write you a postcard I’ll send you a note, from the house down the road from real love Live through this, and you won’t look back There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

5. No Halo - Sorority Noise - This song reminds me of Shawn, I think about how he didn’t come home for Mike’s funeral a lot.  This whole album meant a lot to me, and Citizen cancelling their show and Sorority Noise playing a full set is one of the best things that happened to me in 2017.

So when you show up to my funeral, will you be wearing white or black?

4. Sex - The 1975 - I didn’t realize I listened to this much 1975 this year, lol

Now we’re on the bed in my room, and I’m about to fill his shoes But you say no, you say no

3. Bonfire - Childish Gambino - I listened to this during every workout I did this year, it’s such a pump up song

Tell me how I suck again my memory is hazy

2. Somebody Else - The 1975 - This song sounds like Depeche Mode and I am in love with it.  It’s so pretty, and my sister and I would listen to it together all of the time.

I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone and then leaving with somebody else I don’t want your body, but I hate to think about you with somebody else

1. Cutting My Fingers Off - Turnover - Let the record show that if Michael and I ever break up, you can find me on my bedroom floor listening to this on an endless loop

To make you go, to make you go, I never wanted to make you go You might be a stranger now, but I just wanted to let you know that I meant what I said

[gloieee]

So it Goes

I’ve been having really good days. But I’ve been discovering more of Mac Miller lately and he wrenches heartstrings in so many ways. I resonate with him so hard in certain aspects. It’s uncanny.

10.12.2019

So interesting that I was feeling this way 10.12. 2019 haha. I doubt it was that day, since I was floundering in my essay editing. But maybe it was--maybe I just thought Mac Miller was beautiful enough to take a day off from my “business” writing. I have a feeling it was 10.15. 2019 vaguely. Likely was still having some very good days then.

Life is always a roller coaster and I appreciate it, I suppose. I remember distinctly loving “So it Goes,” but not having a way to connect it to how I felt then. It’s ironic how I feel like this song matches up the most to how I feel now. Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut, literature, one of my first loves. So it goes. I resonate with this one so deeply right now that I think i’ll indulge myself and break it down step by step.

So it Goes- Mac Miller

You could have the world in the palm of your hand You still might drop it So it goes

I love how he highlights how precarious satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment can be. Although there’s a sadness to dropping something that was in the palm of your hand, it reminds me that every moment is precious. Every time you feel the world there, in your hand, it’s such a blessing. It’s a gentle perch rather than something to seize. The “so it goes” reminds me that that’s maybe how it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t a mistake on my end to drop it; maybe there never was a way I could have forced it to stay there—it’s just the way it goes. And even if I’m just completely self-justifying losing things, so it goes.

And everybody wanna reach inside your pockets I tell 'em "red light, stop it" Shit, that give me more headaches than alcoholics

Hm, I bring more flavor than all the seasons Winter, spring, summer, fall, the grass is always greener 'til I cut it all Please leave me to my studies, I give you no applause My hands been countin' money, and it's hard to be the boss But somebody gotta do it (it gets so exhausting) Often with the bullshit, but, baby, I been through it Enough for the both of us So come over later and we won't let no one close to us We could be posted up Yeah

So it goes It's like, in every conversation, we the topic This narcissism, more like narcotics So it goes

Everyone knows it’s a huge statement if I say something gives me more headaches than alcoholics. I do feel like some people are reaching inside my pockets, more often than I would like. I’m giving too much. It’s odd cause I always do say “red light, stop it,” yet there must be something about myself that makes it seem like a green light. The grass is always greener till I cut it all--this sounds so much like me that I can’t even. Maybe that’s why. Def don’t appreciate how it seems like I’m the one that’s going through the bullshit, more than one person’s share. But maybe it just is the narcissism that makes me think like this.

My eyes on the enterprise Nine lives, never die, fuck a heaven, I'm still gettin' high Never mind, did I mention I'm fine 'Cause her pussy gettin' wetter when the weather dry Clementine, peelin' off and everyone get left behind I'm only 5'7'' 'cept I'm feelin' like I'm 7'5"

No relaxing, kicking back, this ain't exactly in the plan I can't get no satisfaction, goddamn They sayin' I been gone too long I could just tell 'em fuck you, but that come on too strong My god, it go on and on Just like a circle, I go back to where I'm from

I love Mac Miller’s confidence (even when he’s down). I feel it too. Yet, despite all of that of course, it never goes as planned. It’s hard to be truly happy in your choices. I haven’t been good with choices this past year or so. Guess this past year, I had choices for the first time in a while. Oddly, even though I’m consciously trying to make intentional, balanced decisions, still my god, it does go on and on, just like a circle, I’m back to where I’m from. 

Been listening to some random songs on my spotify radio, alongside my main man Mac Miller, and it’s hilarious how serendipitous it is. Fell in Love with a Girl- The White Stripes followed by Over- Syd feat. 6lack. This kinda stuff makes me laugh out loud. The most impulsive love song ever, reflected in form by how fast-paced and short the song is. It’s perfect. 

Fell in love with a girl

I fell in love once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes, these feelings can be so misleading "Come and kiss me by the riverside, yeah Bobby says it's fine, he don't consider it cheating, now. Can't keep away from the girl These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting Can't think of anything to do, yeah My left brain knows that all love is fleeting

It’s hilarious cause Bobby more often than not totally does think it’s cheating. I’ve loved this song since 2015 and it’s one of those songs that leaves such an impression each time I hear it. One of those forever bops. 

I’m realizing a lot of these random songs I was listening to without really looking at the lyrics were apt in some way. It’s almost as if Spotify now predicts my life, which is some black mirror shit right there. Some petty, fleeting tidbits:

Over- Syd feat. 6lack

Safe to say, I was right You was wrong, that's okay Why would you agree if you ain't build for the drama? I know when shit ain't right You can act if you wanna, girl I don't wanna say too much And I don't wanna make assumptions But lately I've been giving no fucks We don't know what we doing love How we gon' look for help when you don't know yourself?

(As an aside, realizing that 6lack is actually amazing. I thought he was just gonna be a temporary mainstream dude with “Ex Calling” and “PRBLMS” but East Atlanta Love Letter really makes me rethink him as an artist. He says it straight and I don’t even think he’s fronting, which is amazing.)

I did fluctuate between random moments of feeling all these things, albeit of course, very briefly and not as intensely as perhaps these lyrics denote. And yes they’re petty.  But it’s more a sentiment than an actual feeling:  

Loner- Kali Uchis

I just gotta put it out there And maybe it's not deliberate And I know you never asked me I don't want to be an option But if you don't want me now No, boy, I don't want you later Don't try to come and eat with me

Superficial Love- Ruth B.

You're really cute I must admit But I need something deeper than this Baby if you want me, then you better need me 'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one And if you wanna keep me then you better treat me Like a damn princess, make that an empress

This song is a subtle reminder of course that once I’m ready for something, I should be treated like an empress. We forget that sometimes.

I can feel you on my lips all the time But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind

Actually so interesting cause this song is pointedly not how I feel in some ways. Makes me wonder whether what I want is superficial love. Which leads me to:

The Need to Know- Wale feat. Sza

Tryna keep it low Keep 'em on that need to know Tell everybody that we're just friends But to be honest that platonic shit's for TV shows

I'm not tryna pressure you Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you You ain't even really gotta be my boyfriend I just wanna know your name And maybe some time, we can hook up We can hang out, we can just chill

Again, this song made me laugh today. A causal relationship maybe should be physical, yet here/there we are/ were. 

I know Fletcher means it more seriously and ironically (for good reason), but at the end of the day, despite all the bits of emotion I feel, in the best sense, it’s all love, in the most truly millennial diffusion-of-conflict way possible (All Love- Fletcher).  And to be honest, whatever this is (cause love is a grossly inappropriate word, just a good filler) is just a feeling (Love is Just a Feeling- Joey Badda$$). I was and am def more in the camp of Stwo and Jeremih, (Neither Do I- Stwo and Jeremih) and Drake currently to begin with, so it’s really all good in the end. 

The Motion- Drake

It's not me and you, it's not me it's you Say you're moving on, well, I guess that's just the motion I guess that's just the motion

Yeah, looking back on it, at least my pride is intact 'Cause we said "no strings attached" and I still got tied up in that Try being with somebody that wanna be somebody else I always thought she was perfect when she was being herself Don't even know how to help, but I guess that's just the motion, yeah She'll probably come around Soon as I settle down, that's the motion Oh-oh, I guess that's just the motion

Definitely have some doubts cause platonic shit’s for TV shows, but internally, I feel more settled. Having let it all out and explored all my petty fleeting roller coaster emotions these past few weeks, ultimately, I feel like it was actually a good learning experience, and a reminder of some things I value about myself. It’s a reminder to keep growing, to keep understanding myself, and to know my worth, which may have been a bit hazy these past few months on so many fronts. It’s hard in the moment, but if I look within myself, this is what I wanted and what I had been saying all along. It’s something I’ve never been able to fully execute before and really wanted to this time around, so I’m excited that that’s finally happening. And at least I do have some soft spots to look back on (If The World Was Ending- JP Saxe, Julia Michaels).

I’m excited to be more myself. So it goes, in the best way.

10.26.2019