#stephanie making the most difficult choice in the world

[gatheringbones]

[“Conflicted feelings about both love and the “opposite sex” were built in to the liberal division of labor by gender. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, for example, one of the first philosophers to sentimentalize both individual self-reliance and female dependency, was radically ambivalent about love. While love derived its intensity from individualism, it also created a dependency that undermined individualism. The male lover tries to find a partner who represents the highest embodiment of female virtue and beauty. To be worthy of her, he must meet the highest ideals of male virtue and beauty. The paradox is this: What makes each individual unique in the other’s eyes is that each represents the best of a stereotype; what makes love complete is when each lover most fully conforms to the proper gender role.

As Berger puts it, the lover searches “for one single person to represent all that he is not, to confront him as his other half and his opposite” and thus to “make the world complete for him.” But he must also make the world complete for her by being all that she is not. In consequence, philosopher Elizabeth Rapaport explains: The lover is dependent, entirely, terribly dependent on his beloved for something he needs, the reciprocity of his love . . . [but] He will only be loved if she finds him pre-eminent. He must present himself in the guise in which she would see her beloved. This leads to a false presentation of the self and the chronic fear of exposure and loss of love.

Women, of course, face the same problem: The more successfully they attract a lover to their ideal gender qualities, the more they must suppress those aspects of their personality that do not fit the ideal. Each person loses his or her own half in the process of attracting “the other half.”

In the world of separate spheres, both men and women need love, but they seek and experience it very differently. For men who subscribe to the values of bourgeois individualism, love introduces an uncomfortable contradiction into their personal sense of autonomy and rationality. It is “a mysterious and irrational force irreconcilable with their otherwise highly rational, respectable existence.” Men tend to see love as not susceptible of conscious or rational control, as a force that hits with little warning and may pass just as suddenly—somewhat like a summer storm. (Indeed, it would be difficult to understand how men could make a rational decision to fall in love with a person who embodies all the traits that men are taught to hold in contempt in every other sphere of their lives.) While some men are captivated by this one socially acceptable chance to abandon rationality and calculation, and therefore fall in love over and over again,for most men the ideal is to get out of the storm, to resolve the uncertainty, to be able to stop doing this foreign, threatening, and above all distracting emotional work.

For women who accept their role in the liberal division of labor, however, love is both a rational choice and a pursuit that requires conscious, calculating behavior. Maleness represents a world of achievement, autonomy, and effectiveness. It is highly desirable to gain access to someone who represents that world, but it is also dangerous, because there is always the chance that a man will treat a woman the way he treats the rest of the world, as a prize to conquer and then leave behind. The woman must control her own emotional storms, harnessing both her own and her lover’s feelings to achieve definite ends.”]

stephanie coontz, from the way we never were: american families and the nostalgia trap, 1993

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Happy Storyteller Saturday!!!

What are the things that you would say make your character's skin crawl?

If you had to describe that one moment in your characters' past that changed everything for them - for better or for worse - in a few words and without spoiling anything, what would it be?

Tell me: what are the best things in your characters' life and what is their general view of the world around them?

Happy Storyteller Saturday to you too.

This is another really fascinating question... and it's also something I didn't really think about deeply for every single one of them lol. Like Steph, for instance... she doesn't typically get squeamish or frightened by things. Most of the things that she fears are kind of internal, emotional stuff. Like, she's afraid of fully opening up to people, she's afraid of being vulnerable. She's afraid of showing others her whole self. That's why she tends to avoid any mega-deep conversations. It's also why she never really had friends before she moved to London (well, that as well as the fact that she's never really stayed in one place before, so it would be difficult to maintain strong relationships that way lol). This kind of changes once she gets with Ben, though (at least to some degree lol. Old habits die hard... but I guess it's a good thing, since good strong relationships are kind of about being able to comfortably communicate and this often includes being vulnerable).

Something I wrote for Alice which I think sort of counts as a "skin crawling" thing is that she's afraid of the creepy crawlies. Like spiders, flies, daddy-long-legs, etc. This is the exact opposite of Mary, her twin sister. Because of that, Mary, unfortunately, is the designated insect killer/pest control person in their house (she's the one that's responsible for taking care of the bugs. Story of my life growing up 😆).

(More below)

Now, in terms of big character moments that change their lives, I definitely have more to say on all that. Let's go!

Stephanie

Having both her parents abandon her as a small child (haven't really gone into her backstory too much, but yeah... she lost both her parents. That's how she got in foster care 😔)

Moving to London and meeting her current group of friends

Staying with her latest foster family, the Spencers (Melanie's family)

Meeting Ben and eventually getting with him

Melanie's death (duh)

Running away from home and moving in with Ben

Stephanie essentially goes with the whole idea of "Carpe Dium." She's used to instability, so now she just takes everything in stride. She doesn't prepare for anything, she doesn't go through life with super high expectations. She's just having fun living life. Which kind of sounds cynical in a sense (and it leads to some reckless behaviour and questionable choices), but she finds that this mindset is actually kind of liberating. She never gets disappointed by people or circumstances. She never lets herself get hurt. She's free. At least, she believes that she's free.

Bret

Going to a Coldplay concert when he was 7

His uncle Gordon giving him a kit of music production equipment for his 10th birthday, kickstarting his passion for music and songwriting

Getting an A in his first big music project (in music production)

Losing his parents in a car accident (which lead to him having to move in with his aunt)

Bret is kind of indifferent to everything lol. Losing his parents really hit him hard, and made him feel like nothing could make him feel even the slightest bit better. So he stopped caring. He stopped caring enough to try. He's like, "nothing is ever going to change anyway, so why bother?" Which is obviously a bad way to think. Part of his character arc is shifting this negative mentality, and growing into a stronger, better and happier person.

Elise

Losing her grandparents (she was really close to them)

Adam accidentally impregnating his high school girlfriend, Grace (which lead to her actually getting banned from dating in high school herself - her parents are really strict and protective of their kids, and they wanted to avoid a similar thing happening to her)

Adam getting kicked out of the house (Elise is super close to her brother, so it hurt a lot to not have him around with her anymore)

Having to leave her choir due to teasing and bullying surrounding Adam's little incident

Elise is interesting because she goes through a lot of difficult things, but she appears to have her life completely together. She seems like a really happy girl. Because she is. She has this positive mindset through all her challenges, and this is kind of what pulls her through everything she faces. She goes into everything with an open mind, an open heart, resilience and optimism that she will be ok in the end (I wish I had that superpower lol).

Dylan

Discovering the TV show, "Lazy Town" back when he was 4. He was a huge fan back in his primary school days lol (may sound silly, but this kind of what kickstarts his passion for sports, exercise and just general healthy living. Plus, I wanted to include a small aspect of my childhood into his character lol. That show was so much fun, and it does a good job of showing kids how to create a good balance in life)

His parents getting a divorce (I can say from experience that this is hella rough on everyone involved... especially with shared custody. Always being dragged here and there, missing one parent while you're staying at the other's, etc)

Mum getting engaged to someone new (Dylan's storyline is basically him and his father and brother coming to terms with the fact that his mother is remarrying someone that isn't his dad, and the fact that she is moving away with her new guy. Heavy stuff)

Dylan is sort of similar to Steph with the whole "Carpe Dium" thing. However, he is a little bit more thoughtful and careful than she is. I mean, they're both reckless (ad they have a few parallels in their arcs, too, like running away from their families due to not getting that warm feeling of love and security and support that they need from home), but almost everything Dylan does has some sort of reason behind it, even if it's kind of flimsy. You can tell that he puts thought into his decision-making, even to the point where he'll ask for advice, while Stephanie tends to just make choices at a whim.

Alice

Going to her first dance lesson at age 6 (she's a very skilled dancer and still trains a lot to this day)

Moving to the UK (from the United States. Specifically from Dallas, Texas, which, fun fact: I have a few uncles and cousins that live there! So I've been there a few times. It's great!)

Alice just gets through life by laughing at everything lol. I've mentioned that she masks her insecurity with humour. Well, humour is how she deals with pretty much everything. She makes herself laugh at the really tough stuff she has to face and deal with on a regular basis. She finds the stupidity in everything. She's super pessimistic and cynical, but she rolls with it. Again, I wish I had this super power...

Fun fact: I got this idea from Lorelai from Gilmore Girls! Here's the specific clip:

[thewriting-corner]

Pick a puppy, get a writing tip!

One of the randomest posts I’ve done BUT I also really like it and I hope you guys do too :) And sorry for the lack of posting, but I am FINALLY settled in college and have one more week before orientation starts soooooo I will try to make some more posts before school begins :)

1 - Set the stakes from the beginning

Sometimes it may be fun to “hide” certain info from your readers, but (most times) if you want the reader to be engaged and to care about your characters and plot, set the stakes from the very beginning.

Take Of Liars and Thieves by Gabriela Lavarello for example. Finriel, Lorian (loml) and Tedric are told from the first chapter that if they don’t retrieve the lost pages, the king will have their heads and the kingdom will be buried in chaos, but if they get them then the King will pardon them of their crimes. High stakes like this leave us in a thinking position: would I say no, run away and choose death? Or would I say yes, risk failure and likely choose death anyway? It’s a difficult position and even though we don’t yet know the characters, the stakes make us sympathize with them.

2 - Worldbuilding: Make the characters interact with the environment

Many people choose exposition as their weapon of choice to world build, but another good way to do so is to simply have the characters exist in the world you have created. If magic exists, don’t tell the reader you can cure a sickness with a magic potion. Instead have a side character be injured and the MC gives them the magic potion to survive.

My favorite example is Once Upon A Broken Heart by Stephanie Garber. (Since the series is separate from Caraval, I’ve no idea how much magic is explained in the previous series so I consider it a standalone.) From the very first chapter, Evangeline tells us she works in a magic-type shop. She remarks how the bell rang before Luc opened the door in a way that automatically explains that not only does magic exist, but that certain inanimate objects actually are sentient (which is also explained from the bell’s POV in the prologue).

3 - When writing romance, make your characters fit as humans, not plot devices

I’ve seen it many times in romance or fantasy books where the characters in a relationship only have one thing in common: they’re a trope. Meaning, the author wrote them to fit each other to a point where, without the other, they are meaningless to the story. So, instead of making them fit to fulfill their role as love interests, develop them as individuals FIRST (both on and off the page) and from then figure out how the features you gave them as a single person compliment the other.

I think a good example of two characters who compliment each other is Lila and Orion from Cuban Girl’s Guide To Tea and Tomorrow from Taylor Namey. They’re very different people - Orion being really laid back and accepting what life gives him while Lila is controlling and demanding of the life she wants. Reading about them like this, they’re the textbook definition of opposites attract but when you actually dive into the book, you see the ways that their opposing personalities actually help each other grow as people - with Lila accepting that some things are just out of your control and Orion learning to fight for himself and what he wants.

4 - If you feel stuck in a scene either delete the last sentence you wrote or change the point of view (as a bonus chapter)

This gives your mind a sort of palate cleanse. Allowing your brain to see the story differently will (most of the time) help you move on with the story. For me though, I like to delete the entire last paragraph I wrote because it gives me a lot more space to connect my not-stuck brain to what I’m writing when stuck.

[rphelperblog]

Anna and The French Kiss Quote RP Meme

book by Stephanie Perkins- feel free to edit or change pronouns for rp purposes

“For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.”

“I like you. And I don't mean as a friend.”

“What are you gonna do with a giant crossword poster? 'Oh, I'm sorry. I can't go to the movies tonight. I'm working on two thousand across, Norwegian Birdcall.'"

“But what? You love him, and he loves you, and you live in the most romantic city in the world.”

“Then let me put it another way. A gorgeous boy is in love with you, and you’re not even gonna try to make it work?” 

He teases you all the time. It's classic boy-pulling-girl's-pigtail syndrome. And whenever anyone else even remotely does it, he always takes your side and tells them to shove it.”

"I'm outta here. Enjoy your hormones.” 

“Oh my. He's English.”

"Your feelings haven't changed? Since you've been here?"

"I'm interested, but ... I don't know if he's still interested in me."

"Yeah, we set up our first date right after he asked me to marry him. Please. We're just friends.” 

“If you ask me to kiss you, I will,”

“I don't understand why things always go from perfect to weird with us. It's like we're incapable of normal human interaction.” 

Girl Scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys.” 

“Seriously, I don't know any American girl who can resist an English accent.” 

“How'd you get this number?"

"At least I'm not buying a Large Plastic Rock for hiding 'unsightly utility posts.' You realize you have no lawn?"

"Well, you see, there's this book. It has white pages. And it has all these phone numbers listed inside it. It's also online.” 

“Thanks. I forgot how to flip off the English. I'll use the correct hand gesture next time."

“I don’t care what he thinks. Only what you think.” 

"My pleasure. Always happy to educate.” 

“I wish for the thing that is best for me.” 

“Boys turns girls into such idiots.” 

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” 

“Will you please tell me you love me? I’m dying here.” 

“Is it possible for home to be a person and not a place?” 

“I'm saying I'm in love with you! I've been in love with you this whole bleeding year!” 

“They left me. My parents actually left me! IN FRANCE!” 

“My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird.” 

“Why do I care so much about him, and why do I wish I didn't? How can one person make me so confused all of the time?” 

“Why is it that the right people never wind up together? Why are people so afraid to leave a relationship, even if they know it's a bad one?” 

“I wish friends held hands more often, like the children I see on the streets sometimes. I'm not sure why we have to grow up and get embarrassed about it.” 

“I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.” 

“It's not right. It hasn't been right, not since I met you.” 

"If I had a euro for every stupid thing I've done, I could buy the Mona Lisa. You'll be fine.” 

“I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.” 

“You must think I'm a complete idiot right? That I'm just some doormat who'll wait for you on the sidelines forever? That you can keep running back to her every time things get difficult and I'll just be okay with it?!” 

“You say that I'm afraid of being alone, and it's true. I am. And I'm not proud of it. But you need to take a good look at yourself, because I am NOT the only one in this room who suffers this problem.” 

“What my parents never considered is that I just wanted a choice.” 

Universal bitch speak for I think it's hideous.” 

“Because I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“You weren’t alone, asshole.”

“So what do I wish for? Something I'm not sure I want? Someone I'm not sure I need? Or someone I know I can't have?” 

“So what do I wish for? Something I'm not sure I want? Someone I'm not sure I need? Or someone I know I can't have?” 

“How many times can our emotions be tied to someone else's - be pulled and stretched and twisted - before they snap? Before they can never be mended again?” 

"It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things."

"You can touch anything of mine you want."

“I'm a little distracted by this English French American Boy Masterpiece.”

“I don't want to feel this way around him. I want things to be normal. I want to be his friend, not another stupid girl holding out for something that will never happen.” 

"Oh, I see. Known me less than a day and teasing me about my accent. What's next? Care to discuss the state of my hair? My height? My trousers?"

“I have the strangest feeling that he's aware of me as I am of him.” 

“Sorry to be your second choice."

"Don't be stupid. Third choice. Mum's asleep, remember?"

“Please. The boy gets a boner every time you walk into the room."

 "That was it? The whole story?"

"Yes. God, you're right. That was pants."

“Why do I care so much about him, and why do I wish I didn't? How can one person make me so confused all of the time?” 

“The first thing I notice is his hair - it's the first thing I notice about anyone. It's dark brown and messy and somehow both long and short at the same time. I think of the Beatles, since I've just seen them in Meredith's room. It's artist's hair. Musician hair. I-pretend-I-don't-care-but-I-really-do hair.” 

"Stand in line. Tell them what you want. Accept delicious goodies. And then give them your meal card and two pints of blood."

“I don’t care what he thinks. Only what you think.”

“Pinkie means excited or happy, thumb means thinking or worried. I’m surprised I know the meaning of these gestures. How closely have I been paying attention to him?” 

“You're the most incredible girl I've ever known. You're gorgeous and smart, and you make me laugh like no one else can. And I can talk to you. And I know after all this I don't deserve you, but what I'm trying to say is that I love you. Very much” 

“So what do I wish for? Something I'm not sure I want? Someone I'm not sure I need? Or someone I know I can't have? Screw it. Let the fates decide. I wish for the thing that is best for me.” 

“I love it when he cocks an eyebrow whenever I say something he finds clever or amusing. I love listening to his boots clomp across my bedroom ceiling. I love that the accent over his first name is called an acute accent, and that he has a cute accent.” 

"Why are we talking about parts again?"

“Some people are finicky about going to the theater alone, but I’m not. Because when the lights go down, the only relationship left in the room is the one between the movie and me.” 

"Why are you giving away the cookies?” 

“Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?"

“How much detention did you get?

"Two weeks. One per arsehole.” 

"Sorry. Privileged information. Only people with parts can know about said parts.” 

“Callipygian. Having shapely buttocks. Nice one, Bridge.” 

“Meretricious. Showily attractive but cheap or insincere.” 

“That guys. Sideburns. You like him?"

“I must be a masochist to keep putting myself in these situations. I need help. I need to see a shrink or be locked in a padded cell or straitjacketed or something.” 

"I ask myself, if the worst happened—if I did get knocked up-would I be embarrassed to tell my child who his father was? If the answer is anywhere even remotely close to yes, then there's no way."

[bobasheebaby]

Grey’s Anatomy Prompts

I’m going a tad stir crazy, so I decided to make a prompt list of 80 Grey’s quotes I love. This may have been done before but I don’t care. It’s mostly angsty prompts and it’s long as hell. (Break at 15)

1 “When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.” —Meredith Grey

2 “Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he is not the sun—you are.” —Cristina Yang

3 “Your choice, it’s simple: her or me? And I’m sure she’s really great. But I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.” —Meredith Grey

4 “If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it’ll cause problems. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there.” —Mark Sloan

5 “It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love. And then you find somebody else, and it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place.” —Lexie Grey

6 “Don’t let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice, so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice, and when you do, fill the damn silence.” —Meredith Grey

7 “Not everyone has to be happy all the time. That isn’t metal health. That’s crap.” —Meredith Grey

8 “Breakthroughs don’t happen because of the medicine. Real breakthroughs happen because someone is scared to death to stop trying.” —Derek Shepherd

9 “We don’t get unlimited chances to have the things that we want, and this I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life.” —Addison Montgomery

10 “And if you can't do it, if you aren't willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places without stopping, even when it seems impossible, you will never succeed.” —Amelia Shepard

11 “Oh screw beautiful! I’m brilliant! If you want to appease me, compliment my brain.” — Christina Yang

12 “You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me.” — Derek Shepard

13 “The only time I don't feel like a ghost is when you look at me, because when you look at me, you see me. You see me. This is me.” — Owen Hunt

14 “It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.” — Richard Webber

15 “You are my person. You will always be my person.” — Christina Yang

16 “It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.” — Alex Karev

17 “Please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me.” — Callie Torres

18 “Change … we don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying. But here’s the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is … everything.” — Meredith Grey

19 “Intimacy is a four letter syllable for- here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy. It’s both desired and feared. Difficult to live with, impossible to live without” -Meredith Grey

20 “You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. All you gotta do is survive.” -Alex Karev

21 Walk tall. All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought. You loved. You Lost. Walk tall.” -Mark Sloan

22 "Just because people do horrible things, it doesn't always mean they're horrible people."-Izzie Stevens

23 "I am woman. Hear me roar." - Miranda Bailey

24 "I love everything about you. Even the things I don't like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you and I think you love me too. Do you?" -Jackson Avery

25 “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, stop accepting crap and demand something more.” -Cristina Yang

26 “You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!” - Callie Torres

27 I am not an ugly duckling. I'm a swan."-April Kepner

28 “Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window', unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.” - Meredith Grey

29 “I’ve had to give up things but what I’ve learned is that I don’t need much. I don’t need much to be happy.” -Arizona Robbins

30 “I need the day off. For drinking.” -Addison Montgomery

31 "It turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who we really are." -Denny Duquette

32 “In the beginning everyone is there, but then they forget.” - Amelia Shepherd

33 "Knowing is better than wondering. Waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying." -Meredith Grey

34 “You have to go back to the beginning to understand the end.” -Teddy Altman

35 “Yeah we’re friends…I mean right now I’d probably say you’re one of my best friends.”-George O’Malley

36 “I’m just gonna feel bad that I made it so you can never love again” -Jo Wilson

37 "The future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes." -Owen Hunt

38 “There’s a land called passive agressiva, and you’re their queen” -Derek Shepherd

39 “Let’s play a game of whose life sucks the most. I’ll win. I always win.” -Meredith Grey

40 “I take things personally. I get emotional.” -Lexie Grey

41 “Stop looking at my like that. Like you’ve seen me naked” -Meredith Grey

42 “Pretty good is not good enough, I want to be great.” -Cristina Yang

43 "Don't let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice, and when you do, fill the damn silence." - Meredith Grey

44 “Let’s just make-out on the couch.” -Nathan Riggs

45 "Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." -Meredith Grey

46 “Deal with your jealousy. Deal with your shortcomings. Don’t put your crap on me.” -Stephanie Edwards

47 "I know I'm not a lot of things that you've gone for in the past - I know, but I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.." -George O’Malley

48 “Sometimes you have to be a shark.” -Lucy Fields

49 “Don’t look at me like that. Like I’m damaged goods. I’m still me. I’m still here.” -Adele Webber

50 "More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better." -Meredith Grey

51 "More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better." -Meredith Grey

52 "For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything." -Alex Karev

53 "You can't be an ass to me all day and then expect me to give you respect." - Lexie Grey

54 “Some days, the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, when you least expect it, the world gets right again.” -Meredith Grey

55 “Shut up. Dance it out.” -Cristina Yang

56 “We may only be together five minutes every two months, but when we do we will savor every second. We know how valuable those five minutes are.” -Ben Warren

57 “There comes a point when you have to suck it up and stop whining and start living” -Callie Torres

58 “Please don’t give up on me. Promise. Promise me you won’t.” -Arizona Robbins

59 “Bad things happen, but you have to move past it. Leave it behind. The sooner, the better. Or it’ll eat away at you and stop you from moving forward.” -Miranda Bailey

60 “This is the way the world changes. Good people, raising babies right” -Catherine Avery

61 “The problem is we are human. We want more than to just survive. We want to love.” -Lexie Grey

62 "There's a club. The Dead Dads/Moms/Parents Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad/mom/parent’s died when I was AGE. NAME, I'm really sorry you had to join the club." -Cristina Yang

63 “I’m going to die because these people aren’t properly trained” -Derek Shepherd

64 “I believe if you were dead, the world would be a better place” -George O’Malley

65 “You think you broke me, NAME? You’re the one who put me back together.” -Mark Sloan

66 “I want so much for you. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free.” -Callie Torres

67 “Every kiss before the right kiss doesn’t count anyway” -Derek Shepherd

68 “The expected is what keeps us steady. It’s the unexpected that changes our lives forever.” -Meredith Grey

69 “Promise that you’ll love me, even when you hate me.” -Meredith Grey

70 "The problem is, fairytales don't come true. It's the nightmares that always seem to become the reality." -Meredith Grey

71 “How are you fine? How are you just completely fine? I am ruined, okay? I am dead, I am wrecked." -Cristina Yang

72 “I didn’t like teenage girls when I was a teenage girl.” -Cristina Yang

73 “So you fight. Until you can’t fight anymore.” -Amelia Shepherd

74 “Don’t analyze everything. Just do it.” -Alex Karev

75 “Some lies aren’t lies. They’re love.” -Meredith Grey

76 “That’s where love exists, in delusional fantasies.” -Meredith Grey

77 "Friends are the family we choose." -Meredith Grey

78 "Don't ever date a man who can't handle your power." - Meredith Grey

79 "It’s not hard. It’s painful but it’s not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in this much pain." —Miranda Bailey

80 “You’re my heaven. But maybe ... maybe I’m your hell.” — Denny Dequette

[leznup]

Lesbian [Talk Show] - LeZ'N Up - Dating Stories

Stories from Conservative Closets

The hunger and thirst for LGBTQ content was strong with me and if you understand or grew up hiding in your gay closet, you know the temptation will always be a risk. What if someone sees you looking at books in that section? That's the sad truth of being a questioning youth. In order to discover who you are you have to risk being exposed and for some it's too much. We discuss how the fear of others reaction to PDA has an effect on Lesbian relationships. Even being out of the closet has it's restrictions when it comes to being okay with how the public treats lesbians and PDA. The gaze of men, haters, being outed in your community, etc. can all be obstacles for LGBTQ+ relationships.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEI5PkC6eCQ

Published on March 22, 2019

Dating and Going to Pride in the USA

Stephanie highlights some of the great Pride events she's attended on the West and East Coast. Nicole discusses some of the amazing Pride events of the Southeast side of the USA. Pride is an LGBTQIA+ festival. Events during the festival are all over the globe. Communities celebrate diversity through parades, exhibits, films, and of course parties! Join us as we talk about some of our memories from Pride. Share some of your exciting pride stories in the comments below. Have you ever been to a Pride event in your city? We speak briefly on dating as a Lesbian. Stephanie talks about the difficult task and knowing who is or isn't Lesbian. Nicole reminisces about her dating years before she was married.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAPzShnmpEA

Published on April 5, 2019

Dating Stories

Finally telling real lesbian dating stories! Stephanie is sharing some dating stories this episode. We hear about her Tinder date and her amazing luck at the gay bars in Portland. I also throw out some terrible date ideas. We discuss some interesting dating spots in big cities like Atlanta and Portland. How do we feel about Zodiac signs and dating? Do you search for certain signs while dating? Stephanie talks about the Virgo life and if her first date was interested in moving forward with her. What is your favorite LGBTQ bar in Portland? Share some of your wild stories in the comments!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb1v3q_0FXo

Published on April 17, 2019

Bedroom Stories

We are talking about what goes down in the bedroom. Stephanie continues sharing the details of her date with a woman she met at the gay bar. We discuss Lesbian top and bottom dynamics in sex and celebrate switch hitters. We talk about dating apps and how polygamous relationships compare to open relationships and monogamous ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjh9yoOL9Xk

Published on April 18, 2019

Finding Your Soulmate

Stephanie asks how Nicole knew she wanted to start a monogamous relationship with her wife instead of another open relationship with a new woman. Nicole tells Stephanie about meeting her wife and falling in love. How do you know you've found the one? Nicole discusses the difference between her relationship with her wife and past women she's dated.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_V4xtharZI

Published on April 19, 2019

Finding Lovers & Friends

Nicole gives her strategy for finding lesbians in the wild. Stephanie shares how fun it is to hang out with gay males as an alternative to hanging out with lesbians. We tell stories about going to lesbian events and bars alone vs going with a crew of lesbian friends. Tune in for a glimpse into the struggle to find lovers and friends in the lesbian community.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRcJcljmY2g

Published on May 1, 2019

Virgin Sex and Dating

Everyone has to start somewhere! Join Stephanie and Nicole discussing the first time they had sex as lesbians. Stephanie also gives us an update on her lesbian dating life as it heats up and continues in Portland. Will she ever find a woman that doesn't sneak out before the sun comes up? Does the media portray losing your virginity and first times wrong? Join in the comments and share how you feel about orchestrated sex scenes and what it's actually like to have sex for the first time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ4HZLWCN2M

Published on May 3, 2019

Useless Lesbians

The phrase "useless lesbian" has become a funny meme but is it harmful? Stephanie and Nicole talk about what it's like to feel like a useless lesbian. Useless lesbian is often defined as a lesbian who wouldn't recognize if a woman is into her even if its obvious. We talk about rejection, flirting with women, and giving compliments that don't feel creepy to both parties. Have you ever felt like a useless lesbian? Join us in the comments and tell your story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHu7S_8W4GM

Published on May 8, 2019

Queer Sexuality Part 1

Our first guest joins us to talk about Queer sexuality. Kyrstin (Portland) is joining us and sharing her journey to identifying as Queer. We ask her all the questions we have about what Queer means to her and how living and identifying as Queer has impacted her life. She gives us an amazing introduction into Queer topics. We discuss bisexuality, pansexuality, and how she feels about the term homoflexible. What does being Queer mean to you? What does the term mean to you and your community? Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss Part 2 of this discussion and all our other entertaining episodes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF7YjZLSqt4

Published on May 13, 2019

Queer Sexuality Part 2

Part 2 of our discussion into Queer sexuality. Kyrstin (Portland) is joining us and sharing her journey to identifying as Queer. We talk about the different situations where identifying as Queer would include a variety of different presenting humans. We discuss bisexuality, pansexuality, and how she feels about the term homoflexible. What does being Queer mean to you? What does the term mean to you and your community? Check out Part 1 as well to continue the topic of Queer sexuality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6YUxidEe0E

Published on May 14, 2019

My Ex Changed Her Name

Nicole's first girlfriend joins the show to talk about how she changed her name. This is great if you're thinking about changing your name or want to hear a story about something you've never done before. We discuss how she came up with her new name (Justin), her fears, and the different situations that developed. Have you ever introduced yourself and used a different name? Are you thinking of or have you changed your name?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1sEp_h5t8k

Published on May 20, 2019

My Ex is Bisexual

Part 2 of The Talking to My Ex GF series is here and it's Bisexual. Stephanie, Justin, and I talk about how bisexuals are viewed in the LGBT+ community. Justin discusses what it means to be bisexual now while she is in a heterosexual relationship and what it was like coming to terms with bisexuality. Are you struggling with identifying as bi or any other sexuality? Are you interested in how someone decides or arrives at the decision to be another sexuality?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5QrQF2RLkM

Published on June 8, 2019

Operation Gemini

Stephanie shares the legend of Operation Gemini. Lesbian Zodiac Killer, Sex, Love, Instagram PI Work, Murder Mysteries, and the one Nicole calls Carmen San Diego. We get into a play by play about the ups and downs of what we thought was Tinder magic but turned into a dumpster fire. Of course we briefly talk about horoscopes and how we always surround ourselves with the same signs. Nicole asks Stephanie to describe her perfect girl and talk about how important it is to find someone who is honest. Is Carmen San Diego playing games? Is it hard to be honest during the dating process? How does everyone feel about Murder?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQOAvNz5Mpc

Published on June 14, 2019

Operation Gemini Part 2

The legend of Operation Gemini continues. As if she couldn't do any worst she tops the charts with the worst texts of all time combined with late-night self-centered dates. Stephanie replays the last mission with Gemini and the disappointment that is dating in 2019. Lesbian Zodiac Killer, Sex, Love, Instagram PI Work, Murder Mysteries, and the one Nicole calls Carmen San Diego. We get into a play by play about the ups and downs of what we thought was Tinder magic but turned into a dumpster fire. Is Carmen San Diego looking for casual or disposable sex? Is it hard to be honest during the dating process? Is this op finally done?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFrLfG8WBD0

Published on June 26, 2019

Lesbian Squad Goals

We can't be the only ones dreaming of that perfect lesbian friend group. Tune in to hear Stephanie's idea of the most diverse lesbian squad and Nicole's lesbian run utopian town. We are talking lesbian energy, friend groups, and as always how hard it is to find lesbian friends and lovers. Are you friends with people of one sexuality over another? Would you live in a town populated with only one kind of sexuality? What does your perfect squad look like?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3g3bMqvMTk

Published on August 2, 2019

Femme Lesbian Struggles

The #femmelesbian struggle is real and we speak about it in this episode of the podcast. Femme Lesbians often talk about how they are erased in the world and community. Could it be the link between heterosexuality and femme women’s style? What are femme lesbians able to do to get others to know they are a part of the QBLTIA+ community? Check out the video and let’s get a conversation going about our femme sisters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvUBacKuO_0

Published on August 9, 2019

Dating Turn Offs

Can one be satisfied with getting laid even if their partners do not excite them? Is the myth women only like bad choices true? A short pow wow between Stephanie and Nicole reveals Stephanie is aware she goes for the worst women but just finds so much pleasure in the chase. Can she change her choosey ways and find a good stable woman to tame her wild way?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYiCJEWApYg

Published on August 31, 2019

Bisexual Celibacy

Can a person be naked in the heat of passion and identify with the lifestyle choice of Celibacy? Stephanie shares an interesting story about a night with a Bisexual friend. She met this friend from the totally reliable dating app Bubble. Celibacy is defined by the iPhone 11 as the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations. Is that what had happened lol? Have you or have you ever met someone who has been successful with Celibacy? How does everyone feel about Bisexuals being top tier on the show?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPA_PFb_k7g

Published on September 20, 2019

WTF 2020

Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. Part I in the series we talk about how we are handling the virus right now. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2isgCr1woU

Published on April 10, 2020

GROSS STORIES

Part II in the series we talk about what isolation has done to the whole 2020 vibe and how gross people are acting. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_qExFAcwfI

Published on April 11, 2020

REAL HEROES

Thanks to Stripers, delivery persons, healthcare pros, and teachers to name a few. Part III in the series we talk about the real heroes of the Coronavirus. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ5N75kaUV4

Published on April 12, 2020

SELF LOVE

It's important to keep your mental health strong and your spirits up in these hard times. Part IV in the series we talk about things to pass the time and keep people out of depression. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLudk3swzoc

Published on April 13, 2020

GOOD VIBES

There's always some good in bad situations. Part V in the series we talk about things that are good about the quarantine and our hopes for hot girl summer. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnOxnUmJL7k

Published on April 16, 2020

2020 Woke

What does it mean to be a "woke" person in the year 2020? We spend most of our lives working our jobs and trying to get by that we miss so much. We are sleep to the issues of the world and how trapped we are in a loop so we can ignore them. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the awakening of the masses because of the lack of 40 hour work week. Now that everyone can pay attention to what's going on in the world what will they do with this new knowledge? Do you stay asleep afraid of the change that could set you and others free?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19IcQHyZaoc

Published on June 15, 2020

Protest Gemini

Long time fans of the show should know if you see the word Gemini in the title it's going to be a crazy one. The Gemini Magnet Stephanie of course has another encounter with a Gemini. Who would have guessed it's the original murder she wrote Gemini herself?!? Stephanie recounts seeing Gemini Carmen again while out of quarantine and also seeing all her past hott girl summer flings. Can she be proud of how she handled running into an old hookup? Is running into Gemini Carmen a sign of the times?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smh6x5jq-PE

Published on June 16, 2020

Racist Parents

Growing up a minority in America is hard. A lot of children grow up being prepared for a racist world by racist parents. Racism is such a parasite it is in everyone. Racism isn't just a black and white issue, it’s an issue within each race. Racism is taught and it can be so hidden a person can't recognize it until they have the knowledge of something different. Stephanie and Nicole discuss cultural differences with our parents and the difficulties with mixed-matched morals. Shouldn't you trust the people who you love and you think care about you? Is their judgement always right and best for you? How do you tell them they are wrong and have a conversation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQttekUA24g

Published on June 17, 2020

All Protest Matter

How are some people allowed to protest with guns and other protests are controlled by Police violence and Police using guns? This episode Stephanie and Nicole talk about the protests going in Atlanta Georgia and Portland Oregon for the Black Lives Matter Movement. We share stories about the protests, police force on people of color, and how racism needs to talked about and people need to wake up and educate themselves. Is it enough to just not be racist? Should you know the history of racism so that you can educate others and know how to combat it when the time comes?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny_wS-Nw-UA

Published on June 18, 2020

BLM Protest Matter

Racism, protests, looting, brutality, and who knows what's next. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the horror that is 2020 and the treatment of people during peaceful protests. Hear stories from the protests in Atlanta and Portland. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the heated topic of racism is America right now. Views about the Black Lives Matter Movement being the most important news, racism within the community, stories from protests, personal racist encounters, and more come up in this series. As people of color, Stephanie and Nicole offer their unique perceptive on what it means to be experiencing this important moment in our history. How does everyone feel about the protests? What about the police state we call America? Any police sad about the way your profession is treating Black people and everyone in general? Let's peacefully discuss what's going on right now in the comments below?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsfq-Z3lOE

Published on June 19, 2020

Wuz Up 2020

2020 the Coronavirus, Covid - 19, call it what you want, it's still around and dangerous in the USA. This isn't a normal catching up show. Stephanie and Nicole discuss masks, protests, and what's going on in Atlanta Georgia and in Portland Oregon. Is it easy to get a test in your community? Has the Pandemic changed your job for the worst? Are people being too cautious and this is all a hoax? Let's talk about the worst time in history in the comments below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asW_WWhcEXA

Published on September 26, 2020

2020 Dating Rules

2020 the Coronavirus, Covid - 19, call it what you want, it's still around and dangerous in the USA. This isn't a normal dating story show. Stephanie and Nicole discuss masks during dates, dating ideas, and the important questions to consider before entering the dating field in 2020. Stephanie shares her concerns with dating during the pandemic and the more serious terms. Do you think it's risky to date while Covid-19 so easy to catch? Can we trust strangers to be honest about how they are preventing coronavirus transmission? Let have a weird sterile discussion about the virus and dating during this Pandemic in the comments below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clvB1-gIkqo

Published on September 30, 2020

Dating Bipolar

My wife and I worked at the same restaurant for two years before we started dating. Discovering the love of your life right under your nose is one thing but finding out she is bipolar is another. Stephanie and Nicole talk about what it's like to date someone with Bipolar Disorder. I talk about if given the chance again would I continue to date and fall in love with my wife. Would a serious physical or mental disorder change how you feel and your relationship with someone you're dating? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who had major health obstacle in their life?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd6U_DJaBgs

Published on October 4, 2020

Fire 2020

2020 is still hitting hard. Stephanie and Nicole talk about the new way society is in 2020. We are catching up on what it's like in the job market in 2020 and the bizarre ways you can get the fire stamp from a job in 2020. Nicole talks about her family in Georgia and what they are going through at work in 2020. We want everyone to remember how important mental help is in 2020. Everyone is struggling 2020 so we need ways to figure how to deal with an increase in major situations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1dzHdV2rHc

Published on October 11, 2020

Leave 2020

Is the USA a huge conspiracy or is our news media feeding us hoax after hoax? Stephanie and Nicole talk about why California is just a fire zone for the new 5G tower state and other crazy conspiracies that make us want to leave the USA. We discuss the land down under and Canada as the new options to start our all Queer utopia. What kind of crazy conspiracies have you heard? Is it safe to stay in the USA or should all Queer folk leave? If we do leave where would we migrate and start a new society?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvKKfdiaPJM

Published on October 17, 2020

Help 2020

So many people need help in 2020. The year is still hitting hard. Stephanie and Nicole talk about how things are still changing in 2020. We are shouting out to the people and jobs that have be giving us life and help in 2020. We talk about the future and how covid-19 is going to shape what 2020 and beyond is going to be like for society. We talk about the vaccine and the fight for a breaking point in covid-19 and the struggle in 2020. We talk about the future of 2020 in this show, what are your predictions for the rest of 2020? Will you be getting the vaccine in 2020?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLzCMXaaeJM

Published on October 24, 2020

[neurodivergentcosmos]

Opera Streams I’ve Seen So Far Ranking March 20-May 20

I’ve been spending the lockdown watching operas! I haven’t talked about my love for opera on Tumblr before and I’d really like to start doing that more! I’ve loved opera since I was 9 and I’ve been taking professional voice lessons to sing classical art song (since 14) & then also opera (since 17) (not pursuing music as a career though, more for personal joy). I’m a soprano but I also sing some mezzo material. So here’s a list of the 8.5 opera streams I’ve seen up to May 21! 1 (tie) Met La fille du regiment w/ Natalie Dessay & Juan Diego Florez: AH. AH. AH. My absolute favorite romance. The love between Marie (the canteen girl/mascot of a French regiment) & Tonio (young man from the other side) is so wholesome and good, and Natalie & Juan just have wonderful chemistry together. I was invested in their story from beginning to end. Definitely one of two of the most hilarious operas I’ve ever seen. I was practically dying of laughter from the interactions between Marie & her main father figure Sulpice to the music lesson scene. My heart broke when Marie was forced to leave the regiment BUT HAPPY ENDING DID HAPPEN YES YES YES. I loved how Natalie portrayed Marie as a “tomboy.” Natalie as Marie gives me a lot of gender euphoria feelings for my non-binary soul; her freedom in her army outfit & her discomfort in her dress really got me. Most importantly, this is the opera where I heard Juan for the first time. I’m in love w/ his voice. It was how he sang Tonio’s “Pour me rapprocher de Marie” aria where he pours out all his love for Marie  that did it for me. I was totally transported by his voice. When he hit the high C sharp at the end, I felt my breath leave my body for a moment and I was suspended in time for a brief moment & all there was in the world was the bliss of that note. & when the note ended, I came back to my body w/ a lasting sense of awe. It’s so hard to discover such a moment & I did.

1 (tie) Met Le Comte Ory w/ Florez, Diana Damrau, & Joyce DiDonato: The other most hilarious opera I’ve ever seen. OH MY FUCKING GOD I WAS ABSOLUTELY LOSING IT. By far the most wild experience watching opera I’ve had. I actually really liked that there wasn’t much plot b/c I could focus on the hilarity & music. Diana looked like a queen in all of her dresses & I may have loudly sighed “DIANA!” for the whole house to hear when she hit her first high E flat. My friends & I also screamed Joyce’s name a few times whenever she did an amazing run. God they’re the best trio. Juan playing Ory in disguise as a nun killed me. THE THREESOME SCENE MY GOD. My jaw was on the floor. I bet I could watch a million times & the joy of watching it would never get old. 2 Met La Cenerentola w/ DiDonato, Florez, Luca Pisaroni, Alessandro Corbelli, & Pietro Spagnoli: Officially my favorite version of the Cinderella story. I enjoyed the plot of Don Ramiro (the prince) & Dandini (the valet) switching identities & getting to be in on it. I wish there were way more women though. I could listen to Joyce do the coloratura runs in Angelina/Cenerentola’s final aria for days. Angelina just deserves the world & the portrayal of her as an abuse survivor felt very real to me. While scenes exploring that were at times difficult to watch, I appreciated seeing a production that to me actually addressed that part of the Cinderella story that I haven’t seen in other depictions of Cinderella so far. I’m intrigued by Angelina’s decision to forgive her abusive family b/c I’d struggle w/ that if I was in her position & I love that she makes her own choice. My fave aspect of La Cenerentola was that Ramiro was a fully fledged passionate character. I could write a whole post about him about the way he eschews social norms in some ways & how this makes him & Angelina’s love a more equal relationship. Ramiro throwing a chair at Angelina’s abusive family in rage over how they treated her made me feel a lot. Love this opera so much. 3 Met Un Ballo in Maschera w/ Marcelo Alvarez, Dmitri Hvorostovsky, Sondra Radvanovsky, & Kathleen Kim: ALL THE MUSIC IN THIS JUST WOW. Dmitri & Sondra both took my breath away w/ their voices in their duet. I was in awe of Sondra’s sound during her big aria. W/ Dmitri especially I just adored his vocal color & the way he completely embodied Renato in such a heart shattering way that I felt so much for Renato even when I was angry at him. Kim as Oscar is officially my 2nd fave trouser role (next to Le Comte Ory’s Isolier); Oscar was so adorable. I enjoyed watching Alvarez’s infectious overconfident energy as Riccardo & then his character development in the final act. 4 Met Werther w/ Jonas Kaufmann, Sophie Koch, & Lisette Oropesa: Most visually stunning opera production I’ve seen so far. A review I read described this production as more Charlotte’s story than Werther’s story, & I really loved how that centered Charlotte’s perspective. I really like that the opera allows characters’ actions & intentions to be ambiguous & open to interpretation. However, I do feel that the production didn’t explore enough certain aspects of Werther’s character such as his yearning for family. Jonas & Sophie have incredible chemistry & I could feel the tension every moment of their scenes. I must give a special mention to Jonas being incredible at singing soft. YES. & he’s a wonderful actor.  5 Zurich Werther w/ Florez & Anna Stephany: Very different production & I’d say it emphasizes Werther’s story. My absolute favorite thing about this production was that it centered how Werther’s search for love w/ Charlotte is also very much a search for the family he may not had experienced before. In that way, Werther singing “O Nature” looking at Charlotte’s family instead of literal nature made so much sense to me. While I think that some of the production’s concepts could’ve been executed better, the production’s attention to family as a theme & Juan’s portrayal of Werther were wonderful. I won’t compare Juan & Jonas’ vocals to each other b/c their voices are completely different from each other in terms of tenor voice type & thus what they each bring to Werther vocally is so different. I love both of them as Werther very much. Juan brings a lot of fiery passion to Werther that is intense & amazing to experience. 6 Met L’Elisir D’Amore w/ Matthew Polenzani, Pretty Yende, Ildebrando D’Arcangelo, & Davide Luciano: While not my favorite opera comedy, there were many funny scenes. Ildebrando as Dulcamara & Pretty as Adina were my favorites vocally & dramatically. I was very gay for Adina in her dress & top hat combo. I especially love that she still wore the top hat while in her wedding dress! Matthew was a great fit for Nemorino & the way he sung on “Una furtiva lagrima” was beautiful. 7 Met Macbeth w/ Anna Netrebko, Zeljko Lucic, Rene Pape, & Joseph Calleja: This was very good, but I personally didn’t feel emotionally connected to the action & characters. I love how Lady Macbeth is centered & Anna is a good actor. Rene as Banquo was my absolute favorite in this. OH GOD I LOVE HIM. MY FAVORITE BASS. I am in love w/ his vocal color & that he can sing w/ great power but also heartbreakingly soft. AH RENE.   8 1st hour & a half Met Idomeneo w/ Polenzani, Alice Coote, Nadine Sierra, & Elza van den Heever: I really wanted to like this one, especially as I’ve sung Mozart before plus I’d heard that Matthew is great in Mozart. Matthew & Elza were my favorites and I could not take my eyes off of them when they were on stage. Matthew as Idomeneo is absolutely up there among the best acting I’ve seen in opera. Elza as Elettra was incredible vocally & dramatically & I loved her chaos. Personally, I could only get the 1st hour & a half b/c the plot for me needed more forward momentum & this is mainly a production staging & libretto issue. So that’s the operas I’ve watched so far! Thank you for reading & I look forward to watching more!

[itsbrindleybinch]

Time of the Year (MotY)

Summary: It’s the most wonderful time of the year and Ayla is determined to make sure that Stephanie has the best and happiest day possible. Christmas Day Fluff!

Word Count: 2,059

Book: Mother of the Year

Author Note: Happy Holidays @choicesbyjade! Thank you so much for your letter! This was so much fun to write and I really hope you enjoy it. Lots of love, your Choices Secret Santa!

And to @andi-the-cat​, thank you so much for organising such a lovely event!

“Mom! Mom!” There was a quick shuffle of slippered feet and a split second of silence before…

“Oof!”

It was a truth universally acknowledged that having a child launch themselves on top of your (pretending to be) still sleeping form was exactly how every parent wanted to wake up. Ayla suppressed a smirk before giving a theatrical grown and burrowing further under the covers.

“Nooo… lemme sleep...”

“Mom, wake up!” Stephanie giggled, kneeling up and poking the lump in the covers before pulling the sheets back with a flourish. “It’s Chriiistmaaas!”

Ayla cracked an eye open, frowning a little. Stephanie was still in her red pyjamas, sprinkled with small white snowflakes but there was a headband nestled among her curls that boasted an impressive set of antlers.

“Christmas?” Ayla gave a sceptical hum. “Are you sure?”

Stephanie beamed. “Double sure!”

“You’re not messing with me?”

“Nope!”

“Checked the calendar?”

“Uh huh!”

“Well then what are you waiting for, sleepyhead?” Ayla sat bold upright, tugging her own red snowflake pyjamas straight and grinning at her daughter’s giggles. “Get out of bed, it’s Chriiistmaas!”

Stephanie scrambled off the bed and sprinted for the living room. “Can we have hot chocolate for breakfast?” she called over her shoulder.

“Now hold on, what’s the rule?”

“No rules on Christmas!”

“Wrong! On Christmas Day, hot chocolate comes with extra marshmallows. It’s the law.” Ayla slipped on her matching fuzzy slippers and followed her daughter out of the bedroom.

“I’m gonna check that with Thomas later.”

“Are you questioning my knowledge of marshmallow legalities? Because I’m an expert.”

Ayla stepped into the living room and paused, waiting for just a moment in the doorway. The tree – a bigger one than they’d ever been able to have before and one that had taken four of them to pivot up the stairs to the flat under Alma’s imperious supervision – was aglow with ornaments and a thousand twinkling lights. Once the rest of the tree had been decorated, Levi had hoisted Stephanie up onto his shoulders to get the star placed at the very top and both had been so focused in getting it just so with the help of Levi’s best spirit level that they hadn’t noticed Ayla snapping her new phone wallpaper.

“I’ll allow extra marshmallows,” Stephanie said with a decisive nod. Her eyes were sparkling with excitement as she settled cross-legged in the middle of the floor.

“Hot chocolate for breakfast it is then,” Ayla said, saluting. “Then we’ll do your stocking, ok?”

Stephanie had such a broad grin on her face that Ayla was worried her cheeks would ache. “Ok. And yours.”

Ayla frowned. “Mine? I don’t have a stocking, sweetie.”

Rather than reply, Stephanie pointed beneath the tree. The stocking that Ayla had filled at a stupidly late time last night once she’d been sure her daughter was sound asleep was still there, but next to it was another stocking, one that was stuffed with small, neatly wrapped presents and had a tag attached that read ‘Mom’ in large glittery letters.

“Where did that come from?” Ayla blurted out in surprise.

She didn’t think she had ever seen her daughter look so smug. “Santa,” Stephanie said in a sing-song voice.

The problem with having a genius for a child was that the myth of Santa didn’t last long. Stephanie made it through just four Christmases before she started asking the difficult questions and an answer of ‘he’s magic’ hadn’t convinced her for long.

Ayla had woken up one morning in an early December when Stephanie was six to be presented with a page of neat sums showing that if there were 2 billion children in the world there just wasn’t time, not to mention the number of cookies he’d have to eat. A reminder that not every child celebrated Christmas hadn’t deterred her.

“That’s still hundreds of millions. He’d be sick, even if they’re not all chocolate chip,” Stephanie had declared. “And the air pressure and oxygen levels would be all wrong for reindeer at that altitude.”A startled laugh slipped from Ayla’s lips and she pressed a hand to her mouth as her eyes misted over. Without a word she crossed the room and bundled her daughter in her arms. “Tell Santa I said thanks,” she whispered.

“And the elves,” Stephanie whispered back, squeezing her around the middle.

***

One mountain of marshmallows with a thimbleful of hot chocolate later, the two of them sat amid a sea of wrapping paper exclaiming their delight at their gifts.

Stephanie was already wearing a leather jacket that was a perfect miniature replica of Eiko’s and leafing through a book about Jupiter with wide eyes while Ayla watched, a fond smile on her face and a wonderfully soft burgundy scarf around her neck. Outside, the sun was just up, filtering through the blinds and mingling with the light from the tree.

There had never been a Christmas like this, where Ayla had known in advance that she’d be able to make Christmas morning a good one for Stephanie, that there would be no arguments, that the heating wouldn’t go out in the middle of December.

“Right,” Ayla said after a few moments. “Let’s get ready then. Stephanie, please could you pick up the wrapping paper whilst I get started on cooking? Then I’ll need my sous chef.”

“Ok.”

As she set the oven to preheat and started to prepare the turkey, Ayla glanced over her shoulder and had to swallow a chuckle when she saw Stephanie wandering slowly around the room, occasionally pausing to pick up a piece of wrapping paper with her gaze never once leaving her book. As Ayla watched, Stephanie turned, bumped the couch and started, her head snapping up as she blinked as though dazed.

“Good present, that one?”

“Yeah...” Stephanie gave her a sheepish smile. “It talks about all the moons!”

“Yeah? What about the aliens?”

“Mom!”

***

“Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh...”

Before Ayla could say a word Stephanie had bolted to the front door and tugged it open.

“Levi! Alma!”

“… over fields we go laughing all the way HA HA HA!”

Stephanie joined in with a booming laugh that dissolved into giggles as the two of them swept her into a hug.

“Happy Christmas, Rocket.”

“Happy Christmas, Alma! Chag Sameach, Levi! We made latkes and your presents are under the tree!”

Levi blinked in surprise, then his face split into a huge grin. “Latkes, huh? Did someone tell you they’re my favourite?”

“Yep! Mom! Just like she told you my favourite Christmas song!”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Yeah, but you did awesome. Now come on, come look at what I made!”

***

“We’re here!” Luz bounded into the flat, breathing heavily and almost as red in the face as the Santa hat perched on the top of her head. Its bobble swung in front of her eyes as she launched herself at Stephanie, who squealed and hugged her. “You’re a reindeer! You gotta be Comet!”

“Comet’s the best one! Come look at our tree!”

Grinning, Ayla left them to it, heading to the front door and sticking her head out.

The corridor was empty.

“Erm, Luz?” she called over her shoulder. “Is your dad -”

“Approaching middle age, slow and exhausted?” she heard him call from the staircase. “All of the above.”

“I told you I can get you a good deal on a heart monitor.” Eiko’s voice was further away, but she sounded like she was trying very hard not to laugh.

Before long they both appeared, Thomas a little out of breath in a terrible jumper and Eiko grinning in an even worse one.

“I let her have sugar,” Thomas was muttering to himself, swiping a hand across his forehead and staring into the middle distance in disbelief as he caught his breath. “Before noon. On Christmas Day. What the hell is wrong with me?”

“Christmas spirit. There’s no cure.” Eiko stepped past him to give Ayla a warm hug before they all made their way into the flat.

Ayla giggled. “And now all my elves are here I can say a proper thank you!”

“She told you?”

“As good as.” Ayla’s expression softened, looking fondly at the group. “Really. Thank you so much. It… Christmas hasn’t been an easy time for… well, years. I’ve always tried to make it fun and happy for Stephanie because it’s what she deserves, especially while she’s young, but…”

“She knew,” Eiko said gently. “And you know what? It made it even more important to her that Christmas was special for you this year too.”

Ayla took a deep breath, blinking rapidly. “Hey, are we going to eat or what?” she said, her voice thick as she swiped away the beginnings of a couple of tears. “I’m starving! Girls, time for food!”

As the rest of the group crowded the table, Thomas stepped close to Ayla slipped a small box tied with a silver ribbon into her hand with a wink. Frowning a little, she unfastened it to find a tiny card printed with the words ‘A star for a star’. Nestled beneath was a brooch covered in so many small crystals that they sent tiny dots of light across the wall as Ayla tilted it.

“Thomas...” She looked up, only to find his eyes already on her and a small smile on his face. Warmth rose unbidden in her cheeks. “I...”

“Mom, I put you next to Alma!”

“Right. Yes.” Ayla blinked and made her way to the table, fastening the brooch to her sweater, but she couldn’t help but glance back with a soft smile that was returned tenfold.

***

It was hours later, once everyone had eaten more food than they could handle and played so many games that they’d lost track of the rules and laughed so much that their sides ached that they all sat slumped and quiet and content in the living room. Stephanie was snuggled up against Ayla’s side, her eyes drooping despite her best efforts, while Luz was snoring sprawled across Thomas’ lap.

“We should go,” came a whisper in her ear and Ayla lifted her head to see Alma beside her, smiling broadly. “Or I’ll keep drinking and they’ll give me a WUI.”

“Can’t be having that.” Ayla grinned. Behind Alma, Eiko and Levi reluctantly started to gather their things to leave too, while Thomas did his best to pick up Luz without waking her. “Thank you. It’s been...”

“Magical?” Alma tapped her on the head with her wand. “The Christmas fairy says you’re welcome.”

Ayla laughed, trying not to jostle a dozy Stephanie. “Thank you, all of you.”

“Thank you.” Eiko leaned over for a warm, one-armed hug. “For letting us all descend on you like this.”

“If you’re all going to have an efficient washing up production line like that again, you can come over every day.”

***

Stephanie barely stirred as she was carried to bed, but as Ayla set her down her eyes fluttered open and she gave a tired smile, rubbing blearily at her eyes.

“I’ve still got my antlers on.”

“I’ve got them, Comet.” Ayla set the antlers on Stephanie’s bedside table before  leaning over and dropping a kiss to the top of her daughter’s head. “Happy Christmas?” she murmured.

“Happy Christmas,” she heard back, mumbled and muffled by a yawn. Stephanie’s eyes were closed before Ayla had even shut the door.

Ayla paused in the living room, looking up at the Christmas tree. There was bauble with Stephanie’s baby handprint on, the clay snowman ornament she had made in kindergarten, now missing half its glitter, the paper stocking. Memories of Christmases past; of arguments, of stress, of her little girl’s disappointment that her dad hadn’t shown up at the front door as the holiday surprise she’d been secretly hoping for…

Chewing her lip, Ayla picked up the ribbon from Thomas’ gift and unfastened her star brooch from her jumper. Looping the ribbon through the clasp, she tied a neat bow before hanging it on a bare branch where it swayed slowly, catching the light and casting sparks of colour across the room.

Stepping back, Ayla allowed herself a small smile and a quick nod before leaving the room, letting the day’s happy memory sit among the rest, the brightest and most vivid of them all.

[banterandwit]

Gothic Literature- Drawing on feminist readings of Gothic Literature analyse the way in which Gothic Literature has responded to the changing roles of women in society.

The Gothic genre has always been viewed through the lenses of psychological thriller or horror. The strange and uncanny of it all causes the unease that we as readers have come to love. But what is it that causes such unease and why do the writers of such a genre become so entranced by it? The stories of The Castle of Otranto, Carmilla, Rebecca and Twilight are excellent in their own right. Yet the path of most fruition in understanding these stories is through the lens of feminism. Through it one can begin to unravel the role of women throughout history and it’s ever changing presence. As such this essay will establish what each of the stories define as the roles of women beginning with The Castle of Otranto and how Hippolatia is depicted as Walpole’s ideal women as opposed to Isabella or Matilda who are naïve and do not understand their role in society. Next, the essay will look at Carmilla and how Le Fanu’s vampire is the embodiment of the threat of feminism in the era and the freedom to womanhood that Carmilla represents by removing the male from sexual relations. The story of Rebecca will look at the twentieth century woman and the breakdown of norms and Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight will look at how this breakdown has shaped the modern role of women.

 The Castle of Otranto (Walpole, 2001) written in 1764, follows the story of Manfred, the lord of the Castle and his family. Walpole’s novel indicates the dominant, infallibility of men as opposed to their “damsel in distress” (Siddiqui, 2016) counterparts. In the nineteenth century, women had no rights and were considered second class citizens, and received “unworthy inheritance, such as bible, books and household goods” (Gilbert and Gubar, 2006). Hippolita, Manfred’s wife, is a prime example of this since she is so willing to accept divorce from her spouse simply because he said so. Walpole (2001) explains in the novel that “a bad husband is better than no husband” and without pleading or begging, Hippolita accepted the fate her husband wrote for her. In fact, she has no place to argue- she has submitted herself to her husband “physically, economically, psychologically and mentally” (Siddiqui, 2016). Due to this, Hippolita is the exemplary form of womanhood in The Castle of Otranto. She accepts her divorce and, in the novel, explains that she will “withdraw into the neighbouring monastery and the remainder of life in prayers and tears for my child and –the Prince’’ (p.90-91). She does not fight for her rights and gives herself to God because that is what is expected of her, something she tries to pass on to Matilda and Isabella when she explains, ‘’It is not ours to make election for ourselves; heaven, our father and husband must decide for us’’ (Walpole, 2001). This further highlights Hippolita’s ideology that the men of the family and in the lives of the women have priority in life, being dependent and subservient on these men is what is expected of women and hence the role of women should be of servitude to their husbands and fathers.

 Matilda and Isabella are younger than Hippolita and have less of an understanding of how they should be dependent. Although Hippolita tries to explain to them, Matilda only understands through her own experiences. As a female child of Manfred, she is introduced as “a most beautiful virgin, aged eighteen” (Walpole, 2001) as if to say those are her only qualities- she is good looking and at the age to marry. However, she is still a woman and therefore “equally dismissed since under the prevailing system of primogeniture only males could be heirs” (Ellis, 2010). She is neglected by her father and even when she tries to comfort him after Conrad’s death she is met with “cruel emotional attitude” (Putri, 2012). Walpole (2001, p.21) writes:

“She was however just going to beg admittance when Manfred suddenly opened his door; and it was now twilight, concurring with the disorder of his mind, he did not distinguish the person, but asked angrily, who it was? Matilda replied trembling, “my dearest father, it is I, your daughter”. Manfred stepping back hastily, cried “Begone, I do not want a daughter”, and flinging back abrupty, clapped the door against the terrified Matilda”

 Due to this, Matilda must accept that due to her gender she is expected to be treated in such a manner and her father will not give her any affection. Putri (2012) writes that for Manfred- “it would be better that Matilda be neither seen nor heard.” (p.7). Isabella who is Conrad’s fiancée is forced by her father to marry Manfred after Conrad’s death. She too is a victim of the patriarchal society in which she lives. She must marry Manfred even if there is no love there and only after Matilda’s death does Theodore accept her, and she becomes Lady of the castle. Even after this, the assumption would be that she becomes subservient to Theodore as opposed to her father. Therefore, the role of women in The Castle of Otranto is subservience to the men in their lives and this is their calling.

In contrast, Le Fanu’s Carmilla (2005) originally written in 1897 is the story of Laura and Carmilla, two young women who do not obey such a patriarchy and are in a lesbian relationship. Before Carmilla, vampires were predominantly male such as Lord Ruthven from John William Polidori's The Vampyre (2017). Signorotti (1996) argues that Le Fanu’s choice of creating a powerful female vampire was because it “marks the growing concern about the power of female relationships in the nineteenth century” since this was the time “feminists began to petition for additional rights for women. Concerned with women's power and influence, writers . . . often responded by creating powerful women characters, the vampire being one of the most powerful negative images” (Senf, 1988). It is for this reason that Carmilla is depicted in such a frightening and sensual way by Laura. She represents the allure of women as sexual beings with fangs dangerous enough to topple the patriarchy that the women in Walpole’s novel held to such esteem. Laura recounts one night that:

“I saw a solemn, but very pretty face looking at me from the side of the bed. It was that of a young lady who was kneeling, with her hands under the coverlet. I looked at her with a kind of pleased wonder and ceased whimpering. She caressed me with her hands, and lay down beside me on the bed, and drew me towards her, smiling; I felt immediately delightfully soothed, and fell asleep again. I was wakened by a sensation as if two needles ran into my breast very deep at the same moment, and I cried loudly. The lady started back, with her eyes fixed on me, and then slipped down upon the floor, and, as I thought, hid herself.” (Le Fanu, 2005)

Carmilla is liberating her fellow woman from the grip of a male dominated life and the needles of freedom cause her pain from the familiarity she initially grew up with into an unknown but free world where their union without a male partner gives them liberation from male authority.

 The exclusion of the man is further shown by General Spielsdorf’s recount of when he tried to catch the vampire that was causing his niece, Bertha, to become ill. He watches from the door as he saw “a large black object, very ill-defined, crawl, as it seemed to me, over the foot of the bed, and swiftly spread itself up to the poor girl's throat.” (Le Fanu, 2005). Carmilla takes away the male inclusion and leaves him a voyeur to a union that is beyond the heterosexual norm. This is a freedom from the patriarchal society that has ruled over women for centuries into a freedom over their own lives both physically and psychologically. Signorotti (1996) explains that “Le Fanu allows Laura and Carmilla to usurp male authority and to be stow themselves on whom they please, completely excluding male participation in the exchange of women.” (p.607). This exchange symbolises the change in normality. Not only are women becoming independent from males for their living needs, they are also becoming free in their sexual needs. Where The Castle of Otranto focused on the ideal women being subservient and dependent on the male in one’s life, Carmilla focuses on the threat of women to oppose Walpole’s standard of servitude to the patriarch that controlled their lives and of their bodies as factories for new male heirs. Carmilla is the free women that Walpole’s characters never dreamed of.

 Rebecca (Du Maurier, 2007) was written in in the twentieth century (1938) and is the story of the narrator’s marriage to Maxim de Winter and the subsequent flashbacks to her time in Manderley where she learnt about her husband’s first wife Rebecca and her lingering presence even after her death. Nigro (2000) argues that although the common assumption about Rebecca is that she is manipulative and convinced everyone she is flawless, she was justifiably murdered according to the second Mrs. de Winter. “What if, however, Maxim is the one who is lying, and Rebecca was as good as reputation held her, if his jealousy was the true motive for her murder?” (p. 144). Furthermore, Wisker (1999) points out that Du Maurier is known to have unreliable narrators. Therefore, finding the truth behind Rebecca’s character, flawed or perfect, becomes difficult. This difficulty blurs the lines between gender roles and conformity. The superiority of men is shown by Mrs. Danvers’ comparison of Rebecca as a man, “"She had all the courage and spirit of a boy, had my Mrs. de Winter. She ought to have been a boy, I often told her that. I had the care of her as a child. You knew that, did you?" (Du Maurier, 2007) showing the importance of being a “man” at the time and how they were seen to be superior. When the audience finds out about Rebecca’s imperfect character, one of her detrimental features is that she is promiscuous and why Maxim killed her. Maxim’s murder could therefore be because he was constrained by what people would think if his wife was expose to be a “harlot” and murdered her to uphold the principles that Walpole emphasised- something he cannot go against in his social circle, whilst Rebecca herself was trying to be as free as Carmilla and trying her best to live a happy life unconstrained by social norms and patriarchal glances. The role of gender and women becomes blurred in Rebecca as these roles begin to breakdown and become synonymous to both genders.

 Maxim’s attitude towards his new wife is almost paternalistic, treating her like an immature girl referring to her as “my child” and “my poor lamb” (Du Maurier, 2007). Where Mrs de Winter wants to become more mature, Maxim tries to keep her away calling it "not the right sort of knowledge" (p. 223) and telling her “it’s a pity you have to grow up” to block her from gaining the maturity that she craves. As a result, Mrs de Winter becomes trapped in a purgatory between maturity and upper-class standards and immaturity and the life she has come from. This entrapment is what the patriarchal norms establish, the damsel that must be guided by a firm male hand because of her ignorance as opposed to the woman being on equal footing to the man and someone who can take care of themselves. It is this standard that the narrator is held to and is also the standard Maxim held Rebecca to and subsequently murdered her because of. The shame from having a free woman as a wife is what led him to his crime. It is for this reason that the ultimate villain of Rebecca is in fact the patriarchal system in which the characters are confined. Wisker (2003) argues that the aristocratic setting of Rebecca “was to represent an unease at the configurations of power and gendered relations of the time.” Pons (2013) furthers this argument and explains that “the ultimate gothic villain is the haunting presence of an old-fashioned, strict patriarchal system, represented by Maxims mansion, Manderley, and understood as a hierarchical system.” This configuration of patriarchy established in the eighteenth century by Walpole is that of servitude for women and dominance for men. However, in an era where women have more power and have freedom as expressed in Carmilla suggests that these roles are becoming unfulfillable and it is because of this system that the characters are led to “hypocrisy, hysteria and crime.” (Pons, 2013). Thus, the role of women as a strict social etiquette breaks down and although they are treated still as subjects, the shift in power to give women their freedom is evident.

 Twilight (Meyer, 2012) written in 2005, follows the story of Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire and the subsequent life they have together. However, it is subject to great controversy especially because of Bella herself. She seems to conform to female roles that are more akin to Hippolita than Carmilla. Rocha (2011) argues that “Bella illustrates female submission in a male dominated world; disempowering herself and symbolically disempowering women.” She sees herself in a negative light that is incapable of doing anything herself and is totally submissive in nature becoming a pawn in the life of the men of her life. Mann (2009) argues “When Bella falls in love, then, a girl in love is all she is. By page 139 she has concluded that her mundane life is a small price to pay for the gift of being with Edward, and by the second book she’s willing to trade her soul for that privilege” (p.133) and hence has a Hippolitaian quality of sacrifice for the pleasure of men and hence develops nothing about herself. Mann (2009) continues to say that “Other than her penchant for self-sacrifice and the capacity to attract the attention of boys, Bella isn’t really anyone special. She has no identifiable interests or talents; she is incompetent in the face of almost every challenge...When she needs something done, especially mechanical, she finds a boy to do it and watches him. (p.133) This leaves Bella as a “damsel-in-distress” (Rocha, 2011) where Edward becomes her saviour. Thus, the role of women in Twilight seems to be that of a possession to enhance the male being.

 It could however be argued that Twilight contains a relationship that female readers can relate to in its ability to show the “women’s powerlessness and their desire for revenge and appropriation.” (Jarvis, 2014) and how the heroine proves to the hero ‘‘their infinite preciousness’’ (Modleski, 1982) bringing the hero to contemplate, worry and obsess over the heroine in a way that the female reader can share “the heroines’ powerlessness and accompanying frustration.” (Jarvis, 2013). This leads to what Nicol (2011) explains is the ‘‘complexities of female sexuality for women in the twenty-first century’’ in so far as it provides a ‘‘socially sanctioned space in which to explore their sexual desires.” These desires are evident in Bella and Edward’s first kiss, that Bella describes:

 “His cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine. Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.” (Meyer, 2005, p. 282)

 This sexual tension is introduced earlier in the book where Bella is told that ‘‘Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him’’ (Meyer, 2005 p. 19). Jarvis (2014) explains that because of this any “female who secures the inaccessible Edward will rise in the esteem of her community” and since she is claiming him, someone who thinks of herself as “ordinary” (p. 210) the excitement for both Bella and the reader who is caught in this sexual act- almost participating in it- is why the sexual nature of the book is so enticing. Therefore, although Bella can be seen as holding the values of Hippolita, the Twilight saga speaks volumes in its showing of the complexities of the social code that twenty-first century women must abide by. They are expected to be as obedient as Hippolita whilst being as sexual desirable as Carmilla or Rebecca. Bella’s metamorphosis from the ordinary human to the alluring vampire symbolises this. Women’s roles therefore have changed to give them more freedom, but they are still expected to behave like Hippolita when the “freedom” they have been given.  

In conclusion, the role of women and their identities have changed over the centuries. Walpole’s eighteenth-century idealism was that of the subservient woman that belonged to the patriarchal figure in their life in order to produce a good heir. The nineteenth century however became the start of the empowerment of women and much of the anxiety in Carmilla is her powerful nature as a woman to do as she pleases, removing the man and the patriarchy from Le Fanu’s world. She is thus depicted as a vampire- alluring and deadly- much like giving freedom to women who cannot control nor be trusted with the power they could be given. Rebecca leads to the twentieth century where the woman has been given some freedom to do as she pleases so long as it is under the watch of a man. Maxim’s murder and subsequent second marriage where because he could not control his first wife. The twenty-first century culmination of these roles comes in the form of Twilight where the heroin seems bland on the surface but actually shows the metamorphosis of womanhood through the centuries from that of a second-class servant to the ultimate freedom away from the patriarchy that Le Fanu’s Carmilla started centuries ago. As a result, the role of women has been fluid through the years. The ultimate goal of feminism is to have equality and the books that have been mentioned show that equality can only be achieved if any form of patriarchal culture is removed- a feat that has yet to be conquered.

[ingek73]

Meghan Markle: The Unofficial Patron Saint of Daughters With Toxic Fathers

DADDY DEAREST

Daughters dealing with difficult fathers are connecting online and cheering Meghan Markle on, as her father Thomas Markle uses interviews to try to emotionally blackmail her.

Mandy Velez

Assistant Managing Editor

Published Feb. 04, 2020 4:42AM ET

OPINION

Thomas Markle was recently on the British television show Good Morning Britain, complaining about his favorite subject, estranged daughter Meghan, and how unfairly treated by her and Prince Harry he feels.

“You do acknowledge that doing interviews will not make it easier?” anchor Susanna Reid asked Markle.

“There is no other way to reach them,” he responded, the “them” being his daughter who does not want to talk to him and his son-in-law. In other words, she’s “no contact,” which means quite literally no longer making contact or accepting contact with a loved one. It’s a move that is well-known in the world of toxic relationships.

Not many people understand why a child would cut a parent off, least of all, it seems, Piers Morgan, Reid’s co-presenter and Meghan Markle’s U.K. media agitator-in-chief. Glazing over his colleague’s questioning, he chimed in and attempted to garner empathy for Markle, asserting that Meghan and Harry cut Thomas off for missing the wedding because “they just didn’t believe your health problems were so bad you couldn’t fly.”

This weekend, Sun Online reported that Meghan and Harry don’t want Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, to become Thomas’ “pawn” after he revealed he had written to Doria to ask if she could help reconnect him with Meghan.

What a mess—and a triggering mess for me and many other women.

After the Good Morning Britain interview, I immediately logged onto Facebook and made my way to the group I’m in for daughters of narcissistic or toxic fathers. It’s a place of refuge when I’m feeling uneasy or tasked with dealing with my own father’s hurtful behavior.

It’s a place where thousands of women or women-identifying people from around the world, from teenaged to middle-aged and older, can openly ask for advice or just vent about the troubled relationships they have with their parent. Other members lend their support or advice in the comments, which can range from heart emojis to YouTube videos and educational articles. When I got there, there was already a thread about Markle’s comments. The comments ranged from rage to disgust to hurt for Meghan.

I do not know the reality of the situation between Thomas and Meghan, I admit that—but in how he has treated Meghan publicly I feel a strong personal echo of what it is to be a child targeted in such a way by their parent. I am far from alone.

Markle’s attacks against his daughter have gone on for a while, at least publicly since he pulled out of her 2018 wedding to Prince Harry. And, lately, it seems they’ve been a lot more frequent. In the same week he spoke with Piers Morgan—adding that he did not believe she was subject to racism as a royal in the media—he accused his daughter of “cheapening” the royal family and a week later threatened her with weekly interviews until she loved him again. The group has followed it all.

We’re familiar with the tactics of our abusive fathers that mimic Markle’s, whether we are in contact with them or not. We know the feeling of having someone who is supposed to love you the most respect your boundaries the least, and use emotionally manipulative tactics as Markle has (like when he says he misses his grandchild or asks for money) to get you to have a relationship with them again.

We have been lied to, gaslit, trash-talked, and guilt-tripped by either the toxic parent or by those around us who just don’t get it. Like Meghan, many of us have been told we’re the wrong ones for protecting ourselves or to just get over the pain they may have caused us, because they love us, and isn’t that enough? We are asked: why are we trying to hurt them? And if that doesn’t make us come “back,” we will be sure to regret it. And also, if we don’t, they may die—and their death will be our fault.

“He’s making very public what should be a private conversation. At the end of the day, when boundaries are being violated, it can definitely qualify as abusive. It’s a bad lesson on how to be a parent”

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of works about toxic behavior including Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, told The Daily Beast that while she can’t diagnose Markle without knowing him, his actions line up with attributes of toxic behavior.

“He’s making very public what should be a private conversation,” she said. “At the end of the day, when boundaries are being violated, it can definitely qualify as abusive. It’s a bad lesson on how to be a parent.”

It is likely the reason that myself, and others in the group, feel the pain so deeply as we watch this all play out. It’s like we’re watching our own lives on a much larger scale. The same week I watched the Piers Morgan interview, my own dad texted me from a fourth new number in an attempt to reach me, despite me asking him for some space.

I’m not the only one. One woman from the group echoed what many replied in the comments of stories on the Markles: that he reminds her of her own father.

“I get anxious when reading or hearing the degrading things he says about Meghan and Harry. It’s all too familiar,” she told The Daily Beast. She explained her own father behaves in ways that are degrading or disrespectful of boundaries, and allegedly threatens her when things don’t go his way.

Another says her experiences make her empathetic toward Meghan: “I understand how hard it is to deal with a situation like this. I grew up with a man just like him.”

The Markle relationship is one that triggers us, but also helps us feel seen. Daughters of fathers with narcissistic traits struggle with issues like anxiety and depression at a rate higher than our peers without a toxic parent in the picture, due to both the abuse and the silence that comes from the shame associated with the subject.

Dr. Stephanie Kriesberg, Pys. D., who has experience studying and counseling victims of narcissistic parent and child relationships, called the daughters who carry this burden “a secret society.”

“[Toxic fathers] can look very different in public than they do in private. Plus, our society doesn’t endorse the idea that we can be critical of our parents,” said Dr. Kriesberg. She didn’t want to comment on Meghan, specifically, but made a broader point: “Society doesn’t expect a woman who says, ‘I’m not inviting my father to my wedding.’”

The result? Daughters of toxic fathers like me grasp at any chance to feel like someone gets it. The situation between Meghan and her dad has triggered us, but at the same time, made us feel so much less alone. Though all fathers who exhibit narcissistic or toxic traits have different styles of abuse—from the silent treatment to threats—Dr. Kriesberg says the common thread among their daughters is rejection. And those of us who experience it find healing and validation in each other, and though she may not know it, Meghan.

A week ago, in a Meghan Markle thread, everything came to a head when a group member officially dubbed her our patron saint: The Patron Saint of Daughters of Toxic Men.

The more Markle chooses to speak ill of his daughter, the more I empathize with her. This, in turn, helps me empathize with myself. The toxicity in the language Markle uses toward his daughter has made me see that abusive family dynamics, whether they stem from mental illness or not, does not discriminate. It’s not the fault of the victim of such abuse in parent-child situations; it’s simply the luck of the draw. Sometimes, the person who draws such a card is a princess.

Meghan is not perfect and neither am I. No human being is. There may well be some very valid criticism of her behavior, of how she and Harry have managed their royal lives, and how they have exited from their royal duties.

“We want to feel our experiences and our choices to protect ourselves are valid. Without saying a word, Meghan gives us that”

But watching her face the onslaught of slights from her father is painful for those of us tied to this special kind of parental emotional abuse, who are desperate to find others who understand. We want to feel our experiences and our choices to protect ourselves are valid. Without saying a word, Meghan gives us that.

She didn’t choose to be a very public image of what family toxicity looks like and I’m not 100 percent sure that is how she views the situation—Lord knows she already wants to shed elements of the royal role she has.

But as long as her father lashes out, I will continue to cheer Meghan Markle on, as will many other daughters. With her as an example, we will grow the strength to deal with our own fathers and whatever fallout that decision may bring. We will discuss the interviews that trigger us and relate to the behaviors we find familiar. And, for once, we will not feel alone.

[mythicalmagistra]

So....new book from an author I really love. Do you love history? Do you love historical women? Do you love researched and well written books about historical women? Then this book might be for you (it’s definitely for me!) Highly recommend pre-ordering this book and following Stephanie Dray, she is wonderful and writes a lot about women in history. The book is THE WOMEN OF CHATEAU LAFAYETTE by New York Times bestselling author Stephanie Dray (Berkley hardcover; on-sale March 30, 2021).

And look how on point this is, the cover reveal is TODAY, July 14th, Bastille Day. Y’all, historical stuff dropping on historical days. So cool. Anyway. 

Have a pre-order link: https://bit.ly/3iLkURa Add to Goodreads: https://bit.ly/320tkya Sign up for Stephanie’s newsletter: https://www.stephaniedray.com/fun/newsletter/

YOU CAN ENTER TO WIN AN ADVANCED READER COPY! (because I signed up to do the cover reveal, y’all could win this, how cool? I think its cool. Look, y’all already knew I was a nerd, ok?) https://bit.ly/SDCoverSweeps

ABOUT THE BOOK

An epic saga from New York Times bestselling author Stephanie Dray based on the true story of an extraordinary castle in the heart of France and the remarkable women bound by its legacy in three of humanity's darkest hours.

Most castles are protected by powerful men. This one by women...

A founding mother...

1774. Gently-bred noblewoman Adrienne Lafayette becomes her husband's political partner in the fight for American independence. But when their idealism sparks revolution in France and the guillotine threatens everything she holds dear, Adrienne must choose to renounce the complicated man she loves, or risk her life for a legacy that will inspire generations to come.

A daring visionary...

1914. Glittering New York socialite Beatrice Astor Chanler is a force of nature, daunted by nothing--not her humble beginnings, her crumbling marriage, or the outbreak of war. But after witnessing the devastation in France and delivering war-relief over dangerous seas, Beatrice takes on the challenge of a lifetime: convincing America to fight for what's right.

A reluctant resistor...

1940. French school-teacher and aspiring artist Marthe Simone has an orphan's self-reliance and wants nothing to do with war. But as the realities of Nazi occupation transform her life in the isolated castle where she came of age, she makes a discovery that calls into question who she is, and more importantly, who she is willing to become.

Intricately woven and beautifully told, The Women of Chateau Lafayette is a sweeping novel about duty and hope, love and courage, and the strength we find from standing together in honor of those who came before us.

Q&A WITH STEPHANIE DRAY

What made you fall in love with Adrienne Lafayette and why do you think readers will fall for her as you did?

Thanks to a popular musical, the Marquis de Lafayette is known to a new generation as "America's Favorite Fighting Frenchman"--and there's good reason for that. He's easily the most lovable of our Founding Fathers, and his wife, whom he called his dear heart, is just as lovable if not more so. Adrienne was our French Founding Mother, so right up my alley as a heroine, but at first I worried she was too sweet, devoted, and forgiving. In short, too gentle for a novel. Little did I realize that more than any other historical heroine I've ever written, Adrienne fought and sacrificed for her principles, courageously threw herself into danger, confronted tyrants, and endured trials that would have broken lesser mortals. She truly humbles me, and when I talk about the Lafayette legacy, I think of it as every bit as much hers as it is his.

How long did it take you to write this book? Did the story evolve as you researched, or did you always know you wanted to take on the lives of these particular women?

I was always interested in Lafayette--an interest that grew as Laura Kamoie and I co-authored America's First Daughter and My Dear Hamilton. I think I had the germ of the idea for a Lafayette novel at least seven years ago, but I had other projects in the way. And I was always in search of an angle that would be fresh and unique. That came to me when I discovered that Lafayette's castle in Auvergne, which had been purchased and renovated by Americans, served to shelter Jewish children from the Nazis. Knowing how deeply the Lafayettes both felt about religious freedom, I knew this would have pleased them, and it touched me. I was then determined to know which Americans had purchased the chateau, and when I found out, yet another glorious chapter in the Lafayette legacy was born. That's when the story took shape for me about one special place on this earth where, generation after generation, faith has been kept with principles of liberty and humanity. I find that very inspirational, now more than ever.

The book is centered around Lafayette’s castle, the Château de Chavaniac, and the pivotal role it played during three of history’s darkest hours—the French Revolution and both World Wars. If you could have dinner with any three people (dead or alive) at Chavaniac, who would you choose and why?

Believe it or not, this is actually a difficult choice because so many incredible men and women passed through those doors. I'd have to start with the Lafayettes--though I hope they would not serve me pigeons, which were a favorite at their wedding banquet. To join us for dinner, I'd choose the colorful stage-star of the Belle Epoque, Beatrice Chanler, because she was a force of nature without whom Chavaniac might not still be standing. Actress, artist, philanthropist, decorated war-relief worker and so-called Queen of the Social Register, she was as mysterious as she was wonderful, and even after all the startling discoveries I made researching her larger-than-life existence, I have a million questions about the early life she tried so hard to hide. I can't wait for readers to meet her!

[rivalsofnycupdates]

“The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other.”  

■ ABOUT. ■

name: Thea Foreman age: twenty-five occupation: student & assistant to Amelia Krongold gender: cis-female pronouns: she/her sexuality: homosexual

■ HISTORY. ■

When Thea says ‘hometown’ she says it very loosely. It’s where she was born, yes, but she was raised all over the world, and not just because her parents liked traveling. Brett Foreman, Thea’s father, was in the military, making her an army brat and her mother a nervous mess, always moving to keep up with her father and his jobs. She never had a particular issue with the moving because it was always all she knew, but she did have an issue with her father’s frequent disappearances. She was a daddy’s girl through and through, she loved spending time with him and was even perfectly content doing these she didn’t like all that much, simply because it meant she’d be with him. She wasn’t stupid, she was the exact opposite actually, she knew not everyone had to move from city to city from country to country and not everyone’s dads left for months at a time, and that bothered her to no end.

Despite all these uncertainties, there was always one constant in her life, education. Thea was born with Eidetic memory, more commonly known as ‘photographic memory.’ She was a prodigy from a young age, a fiend at maths and sciences, and more than satisfactory at English and history. She was always top of her class and each school she went to she join the academics teams and would participate in academic decathlons and quiz bowls, always helping her team to victory. She loves anything logical and that requires strategy, for example, she can solve a regular Rubix cube in under ten seconds and a gigaminx cube in less than a minute. With an IQ of over 136 and an academic drive that’s hard to compete with, Thea was on the straight track to greatness, but that stopped abruptly when one day her father didn’t come back.

A dark cloud fell over the Foreman household. Her father’s death was the most difficult thing she’s ever had to go through and for three months she fell off the map, switching to online schooling and making it take the backseat. She didn’t leave her room for weeks at a time and her widowed mother’s reaction was almost exactly the same. It took time, but Thea slowly began to recover, getting back to school and graduating as valedictorian. As she healed, her mother did not. Her severe mental state landed her in a long term mental hospital, breaking Thea’s heart and leaving her alone in one of her many memoryless houses in some remote part of a state she hates. A week after her mother left she couldn’t take the silence anymore and packed a bag and booked a flight to the loudest place she could think of, New York City.

■ WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? ■

Since moving to the city, Thea started going to NYU, which despite not being her first-choice college, isn’t too bad. She enjoys the school and the programs and lives in a dorm on-campus. She’s also picked up a job that she’s not-so-proud of. She came to the city almost broke and desperate for money, this meant taking up a job she normally wouldn’t have found herself involved in. Which is how she ended up working for the Royals, specifically as Amelia Krongold’s assistant. That being said, she found that the business wasn’t always as dark as she initially thought, but that doesn’t mean you’d ever find her trying to put her nose anywhere it doesn’t belong.

■ KEEP THIS AWAY FROM YOUR ENEMIES ■

Bubbly by nature and friendly by choice, Thea’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. She’ll happy talk to anyone who wishes to converse and loves getting to know more about people. People have told her she gives off an interesting vibe that’s very comforting and she has a way of making people feel at home even in the worst situations. She has very mothering qualities and does her best to make sure everyone’s comfortable, happy, and healthy. With the good comes the bad, and Thea is easily intimidated and is quick to get her feelings hurt. She doesn’t fight or argue, and if she gets put in a negatively confrontational situation where yelling is involved, she will most likely start crying. However, though she hasn’t purposely stuck her nose in places it shouldn’t be, Thea witnessed something she wished she had never seen. She’d been walking home one night when she heard yelling from an alleyway, and hiding behind a dumpster, she witnessed Malcolm Alcott beating a familiar bartender while Liam Woods stood idly by. It was a horrible situation, but Thea knew better than to involve herself and run home, though a part of her still feels guilty.

■ RELATIONSHIPS. ■

■ Lena Flores: The two have met a couple of times when Thea has followed Amelia to Sugar Rub, and she is inspired by the other woman. Just the way she has rebuilt her life and held herself to such a high standard impresses Thea. She also enjoys the other woman’s positive attitude. 

■ Stephanie Alcott: The two work a lot together since they’re both assistants, and have run into each other on the event scene. Thea thinks she is really sweet, and not to mention rather cute.  

■ Malcolm Alcott: Thea would be lying if she said that Malcolm didn’t scare her just a little. Something about the male rubs her wrong, and if she had it her way, she’d stay miles away from him. 

■ CONNECTIONS. ■

■  Amelia Krongold > Boss

■  Nina Walker > Friend

■  Lana Carter > Fling  

■  Vincent Milano > Favorite bartender 

Thea Foreman is a TAKEN character and is portrayed by Danielle Campbell who’s FC IS SEMI-NEGOTIABLE.

[parabellum-rpg-archive]

Congratulations, Kaylin! You’ve been accepted to play Avery Mercer. Please make your page and send it in within 24 hours.

Admin note: Wow. You’re a flawless writer! I enjoyed reading every part of this audition. You have such a clear grasp on Avery, and it really shines in the way that you write her. I’m so excited to have you in the group - welcome! - Admin V

IC INFORMATION:

Character Desired:

Avery Mercer

Describe the character in your own words:

Avery is devastatingly complex. Whereas it’s often difficult to believe someone can change so drastically from a brat of a party girl to a person who leads a quiet life, that’s not the case with Avery. Her transformation is so incredibly believable. Having one parent kill the other is traumatic. Knowing that same parent had every intent on coming for you next is beyond that. And though Avery’s trying to put her past behind her, that’s clearly something that stays with her. Because of this, I’d say she’s hesitant to trust people or let them in. Who can blame her considering her father, a man who’s supposed to love and protect her unconditionally, is the one who caused her greatest pain?

And yes, Avery leads a quiet life now, but there’s still a small aspect of her that misses the high life she once lived. Why else would she involve herself with the likes of the Sinclairs, especially as something so seemingly glamorous as being a burlesque dancer? Not to mention she’s the best burlesque dancer at The Black Cat. That in itself comes with a few perks. Young Avery once craved attention, and who’s to say the same doesn’t apply to Avery as a grown woman? She’s able to get the validation she still craves, but she is no longer addicted to it. The attention gives her a small high, but then she’s able to leave it at the club and go back to her apartment, where she knows peace and quiet.

But it goes without saying that there in Chicago, Avery really gets her first sense of home and normalcy. Sure, it isn’t easy at first. Change rarely ever is easy. But Avery is grateful for that city, for her aunt, for the Sinclairs. They all saved her life, even if she didn’t originally see it that way. She realizes it now. Avery was angry for a long time, but now she’s too tired to be angry. She accepts her life for what it is, and it’s a life that’s entirely her own. She wouldn’t trade it for the world. Her past almost feels like another life. Almost.

Writing Sample:

           I.

Large windows took up the entire back of their Miami mansion, touching from the floor to the ceiling. Only in the day did the light beam through those very windows and the particles of dust would become visible, idly floating by. The house with its many rooms, large and excessive, felt less than home with more space than occupants. It was easy to notice things like dust particles in the air that, under normal circumstances would normally go unnoticed. And these weren’t normal circumstances. But to Avery Mercer, the house with the big windows, the foreign and imported chandelier in the grand foyer, and the square feet with a number much larger than her little brain could fathom, this was the only thing she’d ever known. It was impossible to imagine life any other way.  

This was her normal.

When she ran across the marble floors, her hair whipping behind her, no footfalls accompanied hers. The stern voice telling her to walk didn’t come from her mother or her father, but rather it was the voice of a nanny, the only thing she could clearly point out as any sort of parental figure. But still she loved her mommy and daddy very much. David Mercer was too busy building an empire for his family to pay any substantial attention to his doe eyed daughter who would grow into the spitting image of her mother. Diane Mercer spent her days shopping with other glamorous housewives she knew. Not that Avery ever minded. She loved her parents very much, and she knew they loved her too. They’d make up for frequent absences with gifts with the hopes they’d fill the void. In most ways, it did.

Love was a dollar amount. That was how little Avery came to see it, therefore there was nothing a gift couldn’t fix. Before she knew it, the empty, lonely corners of the Miami mansion became filled with stuff, her stuff, just enough to keep her entertained and satisfied. And when those things lost its lush, they were replaced with new, shinier things until it turned into dangerous cycle.

II.

Avery was a beautiful girl, and she knew it. She’d grown into her looks, still looking every bit of her gorgeous, model mother. She knew she was beautiful, and it showed in the way people gawked at her or the way her father’s colleagues hugged her a little too tight for a little too long and told her how grown up she’d gotten.

And grown up she was.

With barely a foot in high school, Avery had a palate for the finest of champagnes.

The cater waiters at the Mercer’s frequent house soirees knew better than to tell the youngest Mercer no, so when they waltzed around the parties with trays overflowing with bubbly, they could only watch in contempt as Avery grabbed a champagne flute for herself. But the seeming innocence of sipping champagne in the comfort of her parents’ functions turned to hard liquor with her rich kids friends, drinking whatever they could get their juvenile hands on.

She loved her friends, because they gave her the one thing she’d always been craving. They felt like home. Sneaking out, stealing cars, staying on Miami beaches until the morning sun peeked over the horizon. They were wild and reckless, the kind of kids people warned her about. They were nothing like the perfect, soulless walls of the Mercer Mansion. Forbidden fruit never tasted so sweet, and Avery devoured it until her friends’ culture and behavior became her own.

It explained why she was too hungover in her Honors Literature class, a class she had no business being in in the first place. She was no scholar, but her transcript need not show it if she was going to apply to and get into an Ivy League university in the years to come. It explained why when the wheels of the Mercer’s private plane would touch down again in America after another quick, lavish, ultimatum of a trip to Europe, Avery would find herself sitting in the company of another therapist whose name she didn’t know or cared to know. As the person sitting across from her tried to psychoanalyze her, Avery would only smile with a mischievous glint. It would only be a matter of time before that therapist would get tired of her difficult ways. It explained why she would get angry and throw things, expensive things, and yell, and slam the door in the face of her mother.

Her mother.

The only source of light came creeping up from underneath the closet door. Avery sat in the dark, alone and shell shocked, with her knees pulled up to her chest. It was quiet there, with the exception of her hollowed, shaking breath. She felt a terror so deeply rooted inside of her that the fear itself restricted her lungs and made it hard to breathe. And for the first time in her life, Avery Mercer’s life was at a standstill.

She waited. Waited to live. Waited to die. It felt as if she’d been waiting for an eternity, not certain if it had been two minutes or two days. Months shy of her eighteenth birthday, she finally felt how young she truly was. She had so many more decades and lives left to live, but it took the firing of a gun for her to see it. Avery Mercer didn’t want to die, but it’s not like she really had the choice. So she held herself and cried as softly as she could, mourning the loss of everything she’d never be. She mumbled something like a prayer to herself, and she waited.

When the closet door opened, Avery ducked her head and raised her hands high, defenseless to what was coming.

“Please don’t kill me,” She begged, flinching with her eyes shut tight. This was it.

But as the officers escorted her out of her home, past the pool of blood and her mothers legs, motionless and lifeless, poking out from behind a wall, past her father sitting in the back of the police car, Avery realized as she looked back to her beautiful home that it would be the last time she’d see the large windows she loved so much.

III.

Make believe. That’s all it was. But wasn’t it so nice sometimes to pretend?

The pearls draped around her neck, the lingerie clinging to her skin, the silk robe hanging off of her shoulders, none of it belonged to her. It all belonged to a character she created long ago.

The Avery looking back at her in the vanity mirror was an Avery she built from scratch. This Avery was Chicago, through and through. She was a workingwoman who understood the power of a dollar. She was in love with who she’d become.

The jazz music flooded into her dressing room, muffled by the four walls cornering her. It was just another day at the Black Cat, and Avery was busy trying to clear her mind before delivering the grand finale of performances later in the evening. Normally, she’d walk around the venue and bat her pretty eyes, or she’d entertain patrons at the bar before disappearing and reappearing front and center stage. But right now, she reveled in the peace and near quiet.

Avery sighed and leaned up in her chair, reaching for a picture she had resting against the mirror. She ran her fingers gingerly against the old photograph, a soft smile touching her still gorgeous features. She was so young then. Couldn’t have been any older than nineteen. She stood with her arms around her Aunt Stephanie out in front of the small house they shared on the outskirts of Chicago. They couldn’t look any happier. Avery couldn’t have been any happier.

She hadn’t talked to Aunt Stephanie this week, so she made a mental reminder to give her a call in the morning when Avery’s shift at the Black Cat was long behind her and the new quiet world she built for herself would return to normal.

But for the time being, she was there, at work. And as she applied her signature, red lipstick, it wouldn’t be much longer until she’d hit the stage, until she captivated the attentions and hearts of her audience as she stripped, artfully losing one article of clothing at a time. And in no time, she’d be able to return to her quiet Chicago apartment in her otherwise quiet life.

But the Sinclairs were the company she kept, and Avery was smart enough to know that quiet would only last so long before its stillness rippled.

In the meantime, all she could do was wait.

[reblogthiscrapkay]

Some Thoughts on “Hadestown” and the Tony Awards

I do not claim to be an oracle of who will win the Tonys but here are my ideas, culled from a lot of time spent online reading hot takes and the smaller theater award winners, discussions with my two biggest theater friends who I have been discussing theater with for over 12 years, and also brief chatting with an acquittance who is Tony-nominated adjacent (one day, she will have her own instead of just getting mentioned in speeches!).

Here are what I think the odds are of "Hadestown" winning Tonys.

Best Musical

"Hadestown" has a really good chance of winning but it is by no means guaranteed. Mostly everyone thinks it's going to come down to "Hadestown" or "Tootsie." No one is talking about "Ain't Too Proud", "Beetlejuice" doesn't seem to be a viable candidate (described by my friend as fun but nothing to write home about), and "The Prom" seems to only be really endorsed by the New York Times writers who have an unreasonable amount of power when it comes to what goes to Broadway (they are why "Hadestown" got changed so much and why "Fortress of Solitude," the best musical you've never heard of, never went to Broadway) but not necessarily the deciding vote.

The thing here is really whether the voters want to go safe and traditional with "Tootsie" or new and unique with "Hadestown." In the past few years, they have definitely tended towards the new and unique, but they also have a clear bias against sung-through musicals (see 2017 when "Come From Away" won Best Director but lost Best Musical to "Dear Evan Hansen" in spite of doing really well at the smaller awards). "Hamilton" is a recent exception to this but "Hamilton" was an exception in so many ways.

Overall "Hadestown" is the better show. Both shows have issues with their books but "Tootsie" is tighter and also less interesting. And "Hadestown" has vastly better music. Personally, I'll be surprised if "Tootsie" wins but these kinds of things have happened before.

Best Director

Basically everyone seems to say it will be Rachel Chavkin even if they don't think "Hadestown" will win best musical, and this is very interesting to me as someone who knows a bit more about the interworkings of the Oscars than the Tonys. The Oscars have done this weird and possibly bad thing a lot over the last few years where they give Best Direction to the most artistic and interesting film but Best Picture to whatever movie they enjoyed the most. Last year this was painfully obvious with Alfonso Curon winning for his direction for "Roma" but "Green Book" winning Best Picture. The Tonys don't do this as they usually give both to the same show or they give direction to a revival that will then win Best Revival. But again, 2017 this changed.

That being said "Oklahoma!" seems like the only real competitor here and if Daniel Fish wins over Rachel, I'd be okay with it. "Oklahoma!" was a revelation (and better win Best Revival over "Kiss Me Kate").

Best Book

Here's one where I think "Hadestown" is likely to lose. First of all, the book of "Hadestown" is messy. I love "Hadestown," it's probably my favorite musical of all time, but the book is messy. There are places that are overexplained and a lot of imbalance in how the themes are woven into the story (while still being totally brillant but yeah). There are things that should have been fixed in all the transfers, but they weren't, and it started to feel a bit like writing wack-a-mole following this show since the New York Theatre Workshop.

Also a lot of people find "Hadestown" confusing, which is a problem, but I find this is often a problem of people not being good readers more than anything having to do with the show.

Additionally, Tony voters have no idea what the book is with a sung-through musical. Basically, they don't think there is one. Dialogue is only part of what makes the book, guys.

"Tootsie" will probably win instead. It's got a very tight script and is truthfully very funny. Even though there are as many oops-you-should-edit moments as in "Hadestown," the comedy and the appeal to the particular demographic they were shooting for will win it.

Best Original Score

I feel like "Hadestown" has this one locked down. Even people who find the show incomprehensible seem to love the music. David Yazbek won last year for "Band's Visit" (a vastly better show than "Tootsie") so it's safe to say he's out of the running. I've got nothing else here.

Best Orchestrations

"Hadestown" has a damn good chance here too. Its music is one of its strongest qualities, and if you compare the NYTW to the Broadway in terms of orchestration, there's a lot going on here and it's all good. "Oklahoma!" is a potential opponent because of how they managed to change around the original to make it all read so much better to a modern audience.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Leading Role

I'm going to say Eva has only a 25% chance of winning. Stephanie J. Block seems to be a likely winner because of her previous nominations and the fact that the Tonys often give out awards for career work instead of the single show they are in. Otherwise, "The Cher Show." Really. Some people think Kelli O'Hara has a chance because the Tony voters love their generic starlets but since she's already got a Tony, I think Stephanie and Eva are much more likely competitors. "The Prom" girls seem to cancel each other out (more on the canceling effect two categories below).

If Eva wins I will be PUMPED, but I'm not counting on it.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Featured Role

Everything here comes down to Amber Gray versus Ali Stoker. The "Tootsie" actresses cancel each other out (more on the canceling effect one category below), but Ali is far and away a standout over Mary Testa. To quote my acquaintance, "Amber Gray will win because she's the most interesting woman on Broadway, like how Katrina Lenk won last year." I think she could be right here, but I will propose an additional theory for why Amber may win: Amber originated a role, one she has been working on for years. Ali stole the show in "Oklahoma!" but she stole the show with a classic show stealing role. Also, because those voters like career work, Amber has been around longer (although she wasn't nominated, she was the best thing about "Natasha Pierre" for me). Ali is young and at this point mostly known for her small role in Deaf West's "Spring Awakening."

Ali will be a Tony winner. Maybe this Sunday. Maybe in a few years. If she wins I'll be happy for her and there's no denying she will deserve the award, but I'm rooting for Amber.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Featured Role

I have gone on a journey with this category. Let me start by saying it seems like Andre DeShields will win. Now let me back up and tell you the long adventure I went on to conclude this.

I have now mentioned "canceling out" a lot, which has a tendency to happen with shows where multiple people are nominated (usually in acting). The important thing to note is that just because two people are in the same category does not mean they automatically cancel each other. Daveed Diggs won for featured actor for "Hamilton" over his costars Chris Jackson and Jon Groff, and there's a clear reason why: of the three he was the standout. He was the most dynamic and had the meatiest role. This only works when there isn't an obvious winner in that show. And this is why figuring out this category has been so damn difficult and I still may be wrong.

Originally one of my friends said he thought Andre and Patrick Page would cancel each other out and that the two guys nominated for "Ain't Too Proud" would cancel each other out and we would have the award going to the guy from "Tootsie" (sorry I don't have the names, but for the reference that guy was literally my favorite thing about "Tootsie"). I initally argued that while both "Hadestown" guys do clearly dominate the category in general, Patrick could win because he plays a dynamic character while Andre plays a static one. My friend countered that the Tony voters really love narrator characters, and well, he's right. This idea was expanded by my other friend who pointed out that Andre opens and closes the show and has a lot of the theme-dropping lines, while Patrick doesn't make his entrance until halfway through Act One and that this leaves an impression.

But ultimately it probably comes down to this: career. Andre will get the award because of his career. Every middle aged gay man I've spoken to who didn't understand the show was very proud to tell me that they saw him in "Ain't Misbehavin" in the 70s (to which I said I saw him in "Fortress of Solitude" a few years ago as a jest that none of them seemed to be amused by).

The canceling theory may still play here, but it's hard for me to imagine that the award won't at least go to one of the "Hadestown" guys.

Best Scenic Design, Best Costume Design, Best Choreography

I'm talking about these three together because my explanation for all three is basically the same. In all three of these categories, "Hadestown" feels like an underdog because it is not flashy in the way shows like "Beetlejuice" or "King Kong" are. They don't have the grandiosity or diversity of costumes of "The Cher Show" or the traditional choreography of "Tootsie."

But "Hadestown" is literally creating a time and place that doesn't really exist; it's not even fantasy, just otherworldliness. The scenic design and costumes anchor you in a place that is like our world but isn't and everything about the choices made, from the shifting set to the details of the costumes, is meant to create this place of kinda New Orleans, kinda 1930s, but also kinda anywhere and now. If "Hadestown" wins scenic design or costume design it will be very deserved and very unconventional.

The choreography has a similar effect. The only real 'dance' numbers are "Living It Up On Top" which is very traditional, "Way Down Hadestown" which feels more frenetic and unplanned, and "Lover's Desire" which is literally a slow dance. The thing is, the choreography throughout the show tells you so much about characters, what they are thinking, and how they are feeling in a way traditional choreography doesn't. Interesting enough Amber Gray was nominated for a dance award for the show. Like with scenic design and costume design, if "Hadestown" wins it will be deserved but a bit uexpected.

Best Lighting Design

Those "Wait For Me" lights will probably win them this Tony but it's worth acknowledging that this show has a lot of amazing lighting design from those swinging lights to the lanterns the Fates use to how Eurydice is able to disappear with the use of light, smoke, and turntable, to the lights of Hadestown, to those colored lights in "How Long" that I am now weirdly obsessed with. But those swinging lights are so iconic that they just might win it on that alone.

Best Sound Design

I know nothing about sound design and no one else seems to either. I noticed some sound design. I also noticed some sound design in "Oklahoma!" I don't know anyone who saw "King Kong" or "Ain't Too Proud." Who knows.

[richincolor]

New Releases this Week

September 2019 is a busy month for YA publishing. We have another great week of releases to look forward to tomorrow (September 10, 2019).

A Match Made in Mehendi by Nandini Pajpai Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

Fifteen-year-old Simran “Simi” Sangha comes from a long line of Indian vichole-matchmakers-with a rich history for helping parents find good matches for their grown children. When Simi accidentally sets up her cousin and a soon-to-be lawyer, her family is thrilled that she has the “gift.”

But Simi is an artist, and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with relationships, helicopter parents, and family drama. That is, until she realizes this might be just the thing to improve her and her best friend Noah’s social status. Armed with her family’s ancient guide to finding love, Simi starts a matchmaking service-via an app, of course.

But when she helps connect a wallflower of a girl with the star of the boys’ soccer team, she turns the high school hierarchy topsy-turvy, soon making herself public enemy number one.

His Hideous Heart edited by Dahlia Adler Flatiron Books

Thirteen of YA’s most celebrated names reimagine Edgar Allan Poe’s most surprising, unsettling, and popular tales for a new generation.

Edgar Allan Poe may be a hundred and fifty years beyond this world, but the themes of his beloved works have much in common with modern young adult fiction. Whether the stories are familiar to readers or discovered for the first time, readers will revel in Edgar Allan Poe’s classic tales, and how they’ve been brought to life in 13 unique and unforgettable ways.

Contributors include Kendare Blake (reimagining “Metzengerstein”), Rin Chupeco (“The Murders in the Rue Morge”), Lamar Giles (“The Oval Portrait”), Tessa Gratton (“Annabel Lee”), Tiffany D. Jackson (“The Cask of Amontillado”), Stephanie Kuehn (“The Tell-Tale Heart”), Emily Lloyd-Jones (“The Purloined Letter”), Hillary Monahan (“The Masque of the Red Death”), Marieke Nijkamp (“Hop-Frog”), Caleb Roehrig (“The Pit and the Pendulum”), and Fran Wilde (“The Fall of the House of Usher”).

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi Make Me a World

Pet is here to hunt a monster. Are you brave enough to look?

There are no more monsters anymore, or so the children in the city of Lucille are taught. With doting parents and a best friend named Redemption, Jam has grown up with this lesson all her life. But when she meets Pet, a creature made of horns and colours and claws, who emerges from one of her mother’s paintings and a drop of Jam’s blood, she must reconsider what she’s been told. Pet has come to hunt a monster, and the shadow of something grim lurks in Redemption’s house. Jam must fight not only to protect her best friend, but also to uncover the truth, and the answer to the question-How do you save the world from monsters if no one will admit they exist?

In their riveting and timely young adult debut, acclaimed novelist Akwaeke Emezi asks difficult questions about what choices a young person can make when the adults around them are in denial.

The Magnolia Sword: A Ballad of Mulan by Sherry Thomas Tu Books

CHINA, 484 A.D.

A Warrior in Disguise All her life, Mulan has trained for one purpose: to win the duel that every generation in her family must fight. If she prevails, she can reunite a pair of priceless heirloom swords separated decades earlier, and avenge her father, who was paralyzed in his own duel.

Then a messenger from the Emperor arrives, demanding that all families send one soldier to fight the Rouran invaders in the north. Mulan’s father cannot go. Her brother is just a child. So she ties up her hair, takes up her sword, and joins the army as a man.

A War for a Dynasty Thanks to her martial arts skills, Mulan is chosen for an elite team under the command of the princeling–the royal duke’s son, who is also the handsomest man she’s ever seen. But the princeling has secrets of his own, which explode into Mulan’s life and shake up everything she knows. As they cross the Great Wall to face the enemy beyond, Mulan and the princeling must find a way to unwind their past, unmask a traitor, and uncover the plans for the Rouran invasion . . . before it’s too late.

Inspired by wuxia martial-arts dramas as well as the centuries-old ballad of Mulan, The Magnolia Sword is perfect for fans of Renee Ahdieh, Marie Lu, or Kristin Cashore–a thrilling, romantic, and sharp-edged novel that lives up to its beloved heroine.

Frankly in Love by David Yoon G.P. Putnam’s Sons Books for Young Readers

High school senior Frank Li is a Limbo–his term for Korean-American kids who find themselves caught between their parents’ traditional expectations and their own Southern California upbringing. His parents have one rule when it comes to romance–“Date Korean”–which proves complicated when Frank falls for Brit Means, who is smart, beautiful–and white. Fellow Limbo Joy Song is in a similar predicament, and so they make a pact: they’ll pretend to date each other in order to gain their freedom. Frank thinks it’s the perfect plan, but in the end, Frank and Joy’s fake-dating maneuver leaves him wondering if he ever really understood love–or himself–at all.

How to Be Remy Cameron by Julian Winters Duet

Everyone on campus knows Remy Cameron. He’s the out-and-gay, super-likable guy that people admire for his confidence. The only person who may not know Remy that well is Remy himself. So when he is assigned to write an essay describing himself, he goes on a journey to reconcile the labels that people have attached to him, and get to know the real Remy Cameron.

The Other Side: Stories of Central American Teen Refugees Who Dream of Crossing the Border by Juan Pablo Villalobos, Rosalind Harvey (Translator) Farrar, Straus and Giroux

Award-winning Mexican author Juan Pablo Villalobos explores illegal immigration with this emotionally raw and timely nonfiction book about ten Central American teens and their journeys to the United States.

You can’t really tell what time it is when you’re in the freezer.

Every year, thousands of migrant children and teens cross the U.S.-Mexico border. The journey is treacherous and sometimes deadly, but worth the risk for migrants who are escaping gang violence and poverty in their home countries. And for those refugees who do succeed? They face an immigration process that is as winding and multi-tiered as the journey that brought them here.

In this book, award-winning Mexican author Juan Pablo Villalobos strings together the diverse experiences of eleven real migrant teenagers, offering readers a beginning road map to issues facing the region. These timely accounts of courage, sacrifice, and survival—including two fourteen-year-old girls forming a tenuous friendship as they wait in a frigid holding cell, a boy in Chicago beginning to craft his future while piecing together his past in El Salvador, and cousins learning to lift each other up through angry waters—offer a rare and invaluable window into the U.S.–Central American refugee crisis.

In turns optimistic and heartbreaking, The Other Side balances the boundless hope at the center of immigration with the weight of its risks and repercussions. Here is a necessary read for young people on both sides of the issue.

— Cover images and summaries via Goodreads

[craftcrit]

Gothic Literature- Drawing on feminist readings of Gothic Literature analyse the way in which Gothic Literature has responded to the changing roles of women in society.

The Gothic genre has always been viewed through the lenses of psychological thriller or horror. The strange and uncanny of it all causes the unease that we as readers have come to love. But what is it that causes such unease and why do the writers of such a genre become so entranced by it? The stories of The Castle of Otranto, Carmilla, Rebecca and Twilight are excellent in their own right. Yet the path of most fruition in understanding these stories is through the lens of feminism. Through it one can begin to unravel the role of women throughout history and it’s ever changing presence. As such this essay will establish what each of the stories define as the roles of women beginning with The Castle of Otranto and how Hippolatia is depicted as Walpole’s ideal women as opposed to Isabella or Matilda who are naïve and do not understand their role in society. Next, the essay will look at Carmilla and how Le Fanu’s vampire is the embodiment of the threat of feminism in the era and the freedom to womanhood that Carmilla represents by removing the male from sexual relations. The story of Rebecca will look at the twentieth century woman and the breakdown of norms and Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight will look at how this breakdown has shaped the modern role of women.

 The Castle of Otranto (Walpole, 2001) written in 1764, follows the story of Manfred, the lord of the Castle and his family. Walpole’s novel indicates the dominant, infallibility of men as opposed to their “damsel in distress” (Siddiqui, 2016) counterparts. In the nineteenth century, women had no rights and were considered second class citizens, and received “unworthy inheritance, such as bible, books and household goods” (Gilbert and Gubar, 2006). Hippolita, Manfred’s wife, is a prime example of this since she is so willing to accept divorce from her spouse simply because he said so. Walpole (2001) explains in the novel that “a bad husband is better than no husband” and without pleading or begging, Hippolita accepted the fate her husband wrote for her. In fact, she has no place to argue- she has submitted herself to her husband “physically, economically, psychologically and mentally” (Siddiqui, 2016). Due to this, Hippolita is the exemplary form of womanhood in The Castle of Otranto. She accepts her divorce and, in the novel, explains that she will “withdraw into the neighbouring monastery and the remainder of life in prayers and tears for my child and –the Prince’’ (p.90-91). She does not fight for her rights and gives herself to God because that is what is expected of her, something she tries to pass on to Matilda and Isabella when she explains, ‘’It is not ours to make election for ourselves; heaven, our father and husband must decide for us’’ (Walpole, 2001). This further highlights Hippolita’s ideology that the men of the family and in the lives of the women have priority in life, being dependent and subservient on these men is what is expected of women and hence the role of women should be of servitude to their husbands and fathers.

 Matilda and Isabella are younger than Hippolita and have less of an understanding of how they should be dependent. Although Hippolita tries to explain to them, Matilda only understands through her own experiences. As a female child of Manfred, she is introduced as “a most beautiful virgin, aged eighteen” (Walpole, 2001) as if to say those are her only qualities- she is good looking and at the age to marry. However, she is still a woman and therefore “equally dismissed since under the prevailing system of primogeniture only males could be heirs” (Ellis, 2010). She is neglected by her father and even when she tries to comfort him after Conrad’s death she is met with “cruel emotional attitude” (Putri, 2012). Walpole (2001, p.21) writes:

“She was however just going to beg admittance when Manfred suddenly opened his door; and it was now twilight, concurring with the disorder of his mind, he did not distinguish the person, but asked angrily, who it was? Matilda replied trembling, “my dearest father, it is I, your daughter”. Manfred stepping back hastily, cried “Begone, I do not want a daughter”, and flinging back abrupty, clapped the door against the terrified Matilda”

 Due to this, Matilda must accept that due to her gender she is expected to be treated in such a manner and her father will not give her any affection. Putri (2012) writes that for Manfred- “it would be better that Matilda be neither seen nor heard.” (p.7). Isabella who is Conrad’s fiancée is forced by her father to marry Manfred after Conrad’s death. She too is a victim of the patriarchal society in which she lives. She must marry Manfred even if there is no love there and only after Matilda’s death does Theodore accept her, and she becomes Lady of the castle. Even after this, the assumption would be that she becomes subservient to Theodore as opposed to her father. Therefore, the role of women in The Castle of Otranto is subservience to the men in their lives and this is their calling.

In contrast, Le Fanu’s Carmilla (2005) originally written in 1897 is the story of Laura and Carmilla, two young women who do not obey such a patriarchy and are in a lesbian relationship. Before Carmilla, vampires were predominantly male such as Lord Ruthven from John William Polidori's The Vampyre (2017). Signorotti (1996) argues that Le Fanu’s choice of creating a powerful female vampire was because it “marks the growing concern about the power of female relationships in the nineteenth century” since this was the time “feminists began to petition for additional rights for women. Concerned with women's power and influence, writers . . . often responded by creating powerful women characters, the vampire being one of the most powerful negative images” (Senf, 1988). It is for this reason that Carmilla is depicted in such a frightening and sensual way by Laura. She represents the allure of women as sexual beings with fangs dangerous enough to topple the patriarchy that the women in Walpole’s novel held to such esteem. Laura recounts one night that:

“I saw a solemn, but very pretty face looking at me from the side of the bed. It was that of a young lady who was kneeling, with her hands under the coverlet. I looked at her with a kind of pleased wonder and ceased whimpering. She caressed me with her hands, and lay down beside me on the bed, and drew me towards her, smiling; I felt immediately delightfully soothed, and fell asleep again. I was wakened by a sensation as if two needles ran into my breast very deep at the same moment, and I cried loudly. The lady started back, with her eyes fixed on me, and then slipped down upon the floor, and, as I thought, hid herself.” (Le Fanu, 2005)

Carmilla is liberating her fellow woman from the grip of a male dominated life and the needles of freedom cause her pain from the familiarity she initially grew up with into an unknown but free world where their union without a male partner gives them liberation from male authority.

 The exclusion of the man is further shown by General Spielsdorf’s recount of when he tried to catch the vampire that was causing his niece, Bertha, to become ill. He watches from the door as he saw “a large black object, very ill-defined, crawl, as it seemed to me, over the foot of the bed, and swiftly spread itself up to the poor girl's throat.” (Le Fanu, 2005). Carmilla takes away the male inclusion and leaves him a voyeur to a union that is beyond the heterosexual norm. This is a freedom from the patriarchal society that has ruled over women for centuries into a freedom over their own lives both physically and psychologically. Signorotti (1996) explains that “Le Fanu allows Laura and Carmilla to usurp male authority and to be stow themselves on whom they please, completely excluding male participation in the exchange of women.” (p.607). This exchange symbolises the change in normality. Not only are women becoming independent from males for their living needs, they are also becoming free in their sexual needs. Where The Castle of Otranto focused on the ideal women being subservient and dependent on the male in one’s life, Carmilla focuses on the threat of women to oppose Walpole’s standard of servitude to the patriarch that controlled their lives and of their bodies as factories for new male heirs. Carmilla is the free women that Walpole’s characters never dreamed of.

 Rebecca (Du Maurier, 2007) was written in in the twentieth century (1938) and is the story of the narrator’s marriage to Maxim de Winter and the subsequent flashbacks to her time in Manderley where she learnt about her husband’s first wife Rebecca and her lingering presence even after her death. Nigro (2000) argues that although the common assumption about Rebecca is that she is manipulative and convinced everyone she is flawless, she was justifiably murdered according to the second Mrs. de Winter. “What if, however, Maxim is the one who is lying, and Rebecca was as good as reputation held her, if his jealousy was the true motive for her murder?” (p. 144). Furthermore, Wisker (1999) points out that Du Maurier is known to have unreliable narrators. Therefore, finding the truth behind Rebecca’s character, flawed or perfect, becomes difficult. This difficulty blurs the lines between gender roles and conformity. The superiority of men is shown by Mrs. Danvers’ comparison of Rebecca as a man, “"She had all the courage and spirit of a boy, had my Mrs. de Winter. She ought to have been a boy, I often told her that. I had the care of her as a child. You knew that, did you?" (Du Maurier, 2007) showing the importance of being a “man” at the time and how they were seen to be superior. When the audience finds out about Rebecca’s imperfect character, one of her detrimental features is that she is promiscuous and why Maxim killed her. Maxim’s murder could therefore be because he was constrained by what people would think if his wife was expose to be a “harlot” and murdered her to uphold the principles that Walpole emphasised- something he cannot go against in his social circle, whilst Rebecca herself was trying to be as free as Carmilla and trying her best to live a happy life unconstrained by social norms and patriarchal glances. The role of gender and women becomes blurred in Rebecca as these roles begin to breakdown and become synonymous to both genders.

 Maxim’s attitude towards his new wife is almost paternalistic, treating her like an immature girl referring to her as “my child” and “my poor lamb” (Du Maurier, 2007). Where Mrs de Winter wants to become more mature, Maxim tries to keep her away calling it "not the right sort of knowledge" (p. 223) and telling her “it’s a pity you have to grow up” to block her from gaining the maturity that she craves. As a result, Mrs de Winter becomes trapped in a purgatory between maturity and upper-class standards and immaturity and the life she has come from. This entrapment is what the patriarchal norms establish, the damsel that must be guided by a firm male hand because of her ignorance as opposed to the woman being on equal footing to the man and someone who can take care of themselves. It is this standard that the narrator is held to and is also the standard Maxim held Rebecca to and subsequently murdered her because of. The shame from having a free woman as a wife is what led him to his crime. It is for this reason that the ultimate villain of Rebecca is in fact the patriarchal system in which the characters are confined. Wisker (2003) argues that the aristocratic setting of Rebecca “was to represent an unease at the configurations of power and gendered relations of the time.” Pons (2013) furthers this argument and explains that “the ultimate gothic villain is the haunting presence of an old-fashioned, strict patriarchal system, represented by Maxims mansion, Manderley, and understood as a hierarchical system.” This configuration of patriarchy established in the eighteenth century by Walpole is that of servitude for women and dominance for men. However, in an era where women have more power and have freedom as expressed in Carmilla suggests that these roles are becoming unfulfillable and it is because of this system that the characters are led to “hypocrisy, hysteria and crime.” (Pons, 2013). Thus, the role of women as a strict social etiquette breaks down and although they are treated still as subjects, the shift in power to give women their freedom is evident.

 Twilight (Meyer, 2012) written in 2005, follows the story of Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire and the subsequent life they have together. However, it is subject to great controversy especially because of Bella herself. She seems to conform to female roles that are more akin to Hippolita than Carmilla. Rocha (2011) argues that “Bella illustrates female submission in a male dominated world; disempowering herself and symbolically disempowering women.” She sees herself in a negative light that is incapable of doing anything herself and is totally submissive in nature becoming a pawn in the life of the men of her life. Mann (2009) argues “When Bella falls in love, then, a girl in love is all she is. By page 139 she has concluded that her mundane life is a small price to pay for the gift of being with Edward, and by the second book she’s willing to trade her soul for that privilege” (p.133) and hence has a Hippolitaian quality of sacrifice for the pleasure of men and hence develops nothing about herself. Mann (2009) continues to say that “Other than her penchant for self-sacrifice and the capacity to attract the attention of boys, Bella isn’t really anyone special. She has no identifiable interests or talents; she is incompetent in the face of almost every challenge...When she needs something done, especially mechanical, she finds a boy to do it and watches him. (p.133) This leaves Bella as a “damsel-in-distress” (Rocha, 2011) where Edward becomes her saviour. Thus, the role of women in Twilight seems to be that of a possession to enhance the male being.

 It could however be argued that Twilight contains a relationship that female readers can relate to in its ability to show the “women’s powerlessness and their desire for revenge and appropriation.” (Jarvis, 2014) and how the heroine proves to the hero ‘‘their infinite preciousness’’ (Modleski, 1982) bringing the hero to contemplate, worry and obsess over the heroine in a way that the female reader can share “the heroines’ powerlessness and accompanying frustration.” (Jarvis, 2013). This leads to what Nicol (2011) explains is the ‘‘complexities of female sexuality for women in the twenty-first century’’ in so far as it provides a ‘‘socially sanctioned space in which to explore their sexual desires.” These desires are evident in Bella and Edward’s first kiss, that Bella describes:

 “His cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine. Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.” (Meyer, 2005, p. 282)

 This sexual tension is introduced earlier in the book where Bella is told that ‘‘Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him’’ (Meyer, 2005 p. 19). Jarvis (2014) explains that because of this any “female who secures the inaccessible Edward will rise in the esteem of her community” and since she is claiming him, someone who thinks of herself as “ordinary” (p. 210) the excitement for both Bella and the reader who is caught in this sexual act- almost participating in it- is why the sexual nature of the book is so enticing. Therefore, although Bella can be seen as holding the values of Hippolita, the Twilight saga speaks volumes in its showing of the complexities of the social code that twenty-first century women must abide by. They are expected to be as obedient as Hippolita whilst being as sexual desirable as Carmilla or Rebecca. Bella’s metamorphosis from the ordinary human to the alluring vampire symbolises this. Women’s roles therefore have changed to give them more freedom, but they are still expected to behave like Hippolita when the “freedom” they have been given.  

 In conclusion, the role of women and their identities have changed over the centuries. Walpole’s eighteenth-century idealism was that of the subservient woman that belonged to the patriarchal figure in their life in order to produce a good heir. The nineteenth century however became the start of the empowerment of women and much of the anxiety in Carmilla is her powerful nature as a woman to do as she pleases, removing the man and the patriarchy from Le Fanu’s world. She is thus depicted as a vampire- alluring and deadly- much like giving freedom to women who cannot control nor be trusted with the power they could be given. Rebecca leads to the twentieth century where the woman has been given some freedom to do as she pleases so long as it is under the watch of a man. Maxim’s murder and subsequent second marriage where because he could not control his first wife. The twenty-first century culmination of these roles comes in the form of Twilight where the heroin seems bland on the surface but actually shows the metamorphosis of womanhood through the centuries from that of a second-class servant to the ultimate freedom away from the patriarchy that Le Fanu’s Carmilla started centuries ago. As a result, the role of women has been fluid through the years. The ultimate goal of feminism is to have equality and the books that have been mentioned show that equality can only be achieved if any form of patriarchal culture is removed- a feat that has yet to be conquered.