#still the best decision i ever made but i dont know ill ever get to a point where my body is everythinng i want

[undermostcorgi]

the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

[charlewiss-writes]

make damn sure / charles leclerc

masterlist

day 19: wonder (part of one-word november prompts!)

word count: 1.5k.

pairing: bff!charles x reader

summary: being the hopeless romantic that you are, you've been dreaming about your special other your whole life. you're talking to your best friend pierre about the dream guy. what if you already knew him?

author's note: not proofread, so for sure many errors lmao. hope its still understandable (? also, im sorry for the delay! will try to have day 20 ready soon but its one prompt i really like so i dont want it to be short :( ill see what i can do! thanks for sticking with me through almost 20 days already!!

since being childhood friends, charles, pierre and you were inseparable. going to school together, joining them on their karting days, them joining you in your school plays. you were always there for eachother, without doubt. so when things started to get complicated at your house and you decided to move, they were 100% in. and that's how you ended now, two years after living with them, in the couch while talking to the frenchman.

"don't you wonder sometimes?" you had started the conversation, voice dry after hours without saying a word. it went like that sometimes, all too busy with their stuff: sometimes, even though you lived with two other people, thanks to their jobs, it seemed like you lived on your own. pierre straightened himself a little on his seat and turned his body towards you, so he could look into your eyes as he said "about?".

immediately regretting your decision to bring this topic to the table, you tried to back off. "well of course you don't, you already have a girlfriend" jokingly, you said. that only seemed to interest the boy in front of you more, being one that didnt like to leave things unresolved. "what are you talking about?". after knowing you for so long, they already knew you were a hopeless romantic at heart, but still, it made you nervous to talk about it out loud, being aware that it could seem ridiculous to others. "promise you won't laugh about it".

"when did I laugh to you?" he said, tilting his eyebrowns like you were telling him something unbeliavable. but you two, having the brother-sister relationship that you had, knew that he was blantantly lying as he always made fun of you, as you made fun of him too. seeing your glare, he laughed before saying. "fine, I won't, i promise". still, you took a bit of time before actually telling him what had been on your mind all day. "I don't know, I started to think about how everyone has met their significant other but I can't seem to find them".

"what if you did already? you know plenty of people".

you fully laughed at him, with no means to offend the frenchman. it truly seemed hilarious to you that he would believe that. "I think I would have realised if a certain person with all the qualities that I look for passed in front of me, pierre. I'm not dumb".

"you sure?"

and if look could kill, you would've been charged for murder. "you're being awfully mean to me today, pierre".

"it's cause you're so blind sometimes, like you purposely don't want to see". he looked pissed off now, and the change between his playful tone and this much colder one threw you off. "see what?" you asked.

"the way he looks at you".

it was a common discusion betweet you two, ever since you realized that you didn't love both boys the same. and although yeah, you cheered for their wins and stood through their hard times the same, the smile that adorned your face was different when you were greeted at the other side by the grin of a certain monegasque, who you also lived with. but for you, he was completely off limits. and you were okay with that, with being alone on the sidelines cheering for him, not expecting anything else from him. "oh shut up. you know we're just friends".

"if telling yourself that lets you sleep at night, go ahead. but you have to know that its okay to fall in love. if it goes wrong, i'm sure we can figure it out: you won't lose us. but what if it goes right and you're wasting your time? won't you like to know?".

"know what?".

the voice of a certain someone startled you. it wasn't like you didn't know he was in the house, but after a few hours asleep you had forgotten about him at all, otherwise you wouldn't be talking about this topic in the middle of the house. "know why she likes to talk about deep topics when we should be asleep" he quickly managed to answer, and even though it wasn't a lie, it felt wrong to lie to charles like that. "but why don't you two continue with the chat, eh?, i'm sure charles as more answers than i,he's smarter after all". the monegasque laughed at that and punched his arm in his way out, while he entered the room and started to get comfortable in the same couch that you were sat in.

"i love talking about deep topics, why don't you ever talk to me about it?" he sounded genuinely hurt, like the fact that you preferred to talk about certain stuff with pierre over him really bothered the ferrari driver. "thought you were asleep, charles". and it wasn't a lie.

"don't you trust me?"

"don't be silly, cha. I didn't want to bother you, that's all"

"you could never bother me".

after a few moments in silence, where he directed his eyes towards the ceiling instead of looking at you, he said, softly this time, like he truly didn't want to wake pierre up with his tone. "pierre's right. we need to talk. i want your opinion about something". at that, you clearly became more interested in whatever charles had to say. it had been a while since you two really talked, since he was always away, and when he wasn't, you were the one with the busy schedule. "it's really really really complicated, but i think i like a girl, and i don't know how to talk to her about it".

ah, that's it. that's your worse nightmare coming true, once again.

obviously, being the pretty boy that charles was, always so well manered and the perfect boyfriend that a mother could ask for his child, it wasn't the first time that he had a partner. but as the time went on, you knew he was getting more serious about the whole dating thing, and it scared you to think about him settling in for someone lese. someone that wasn't you. so, after all the years that passed, it still hurt quite a bit to hear him talk about other people in the same way you wished to be talked about.

after a few minutes where you didn't say anything, too stunned to actually answer him, you started to get self concious. obviously, he for sure saw how your face dropped when he told you that. would he realize that you had feelings for him all this time? would he feel betrayed? after all, he thought that you were only his friend, and thats why he was telling you this in the first place.

"you don't get it, do you?"

you furrowed your browns, now confused at what he was implying with that last sentence. "what do i have to get?".

he laughed about it and took your hands into his, to gently brush your fingers over your palm. "i'm talking about you, silly".

"what do you mean? why?".

his deep greenish blue eyes looked straight at yours, and it was impossible to pull away from his gaze. he softly started to answer your question. at least the one you had told him about, since your brain was already a mess with all the questions you had for him. since when? how didn't you see it before? did pierre knew about this? was that why he always talked to you about it?

"cause i've been in love with you for my whole life, more or less. i was just too scared to ruin things between us, but pierre talked me into it. said our friendship is bigger than anything that life could throw at us. and im confident we can work things out, you know? we have known eachother for so long. i know you like the palm of my hand. and you know me the same. please, don't tell me you didn't think about it, at least once, y/n".

you smiled, knowing about the endless times you had fallen asleep to the thought of you two together. wondering exactly this, if you could ever work out. how, each time, pierre and you talked about what you were looking for, you were, knowing or not, describing the boy that was in front of you, looking lovingly into your eyes. "i think about it all the time, cha".

"and why didn't you say anything before?" he reached for your face, gently caressing it with his right hand. "cause we're both dumb, i guess. but i think it's for the better, no? we've grown so much. we know how to make this work"..

"i'm gonna make damn sure, love".

[moth-p]

Tpot 12 ramble because if I dont infodump to anyone I will unironically fucking explode

Spoilers obviously.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT OKAY. SO

1. Since in my tpot 11 ramble I discussed Three on point nr.3 i think its only fair that I talk about One first.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT?

Okay so they went in a completly different direction with one that I thought they would. I thought that she was gonna be a co-host, but honestly? I like the direction they took her character in. We didn't really have a true "villan" in bfdi like. Ever? I think? I mean yeah there are characters that are sadistic, antagonistic, live in your walls and make bad decisions but I don't think we ever had a real villan. A threat. Because you CANNOT. CANNOT tell me that One doesn't have sinister intentions. She's unnerving, and if I learned one thing from the Shrek franchise its that you dont fucking make deals with people that are clearly evil (im talking to you Fanny, Ice cube and possibly anyone else who made a deal) also, she knows a lot more that I think she has the right to. I mean, yeah. She's the stalking type, i get it but she came out of the fucking moon at the END END of tpot 9. (I think?) So thee fact that she knows so much about the contestants is kinda scary. I think the obvious motive for her is uh.. Three. I AM STILL STANDING BY MY POINT THAT THE HAND FROM TPOT 11 IS THREE. I KNOW EVERYONE AGREES ON THIS BUT. I SWEAR.

Also one is very silly. So uhh. Yeah

Point 2, the teams. I will be very honest I did not expect a team swap so soon but then again Just not had exactly three people so I don't think it would be very fair (No teardrop what are you doing here no no no you are not a part of this discussion shoo shoo /aff)

I thought I would dissect them one by one.

Point 2.1 - Death Pact yet Again (DPYA)

Ill be honest? Probably the best team. I like every single character on here.

Gaty is literally top 5 of my favs

Astrobiology is on a team together (yet) again, were winning. I love them both separately too, esp Black Hole after the recent-kinda-still-ongoing-arc. Tree's sass is something I need.

Pin! One of the "Top 4" of the original season. I love her, she was the first character I humanized, and she is actually acting like herself because early Tpot did her dirty as hell.

Marker is silly as always,

And Fanny. Need I say more? Besides, she's the only one we have actually witness make the deal with one. She's getting a lot of screen time lately and I am NOT complaining.

Oh and also Robot Flower I guess. If my tpot 13 predictions are correct, Basketballs deal with one will help her go back to normal. Good. I miss her actual self. (And Flower, I love you. Honest to god I love you. But you did really act like a bitch in the first season huh. Still top 5)

Point 2.2 - Team 2/Two

ERASER. I am so sorry you got separated from your boyfriend 💔💔💔 Probably my favorite from the team, his "rivalry" with Bottle might be interesting.... if she doesn't get voted out next. (I think she will) I think his dynamic with Snowball might be interesting since they are already friends. I think. Right?

Book and Taggy! To be honest JnJ are feeding my heart wholesome yuri and I am very happy. Books dynamic with Ice Cube will be fun to explore because uh... yeah. Also Taggy is developing which is great. Before tpot 10 I thought of them as more of a Naily 2.0, so I'm very glad that JnJ did something with them. Thank goodness they didnt get eliminated, I was kinda worried.

Snowball. Big guy. My man. I was hugely neutral about him before TPOT but god he kinda stole my heart. His relationship with grassy is so cute, and I'm begging for some interactions between him and Ice cube.

Grass boi. Thank you for not being annoying as f-ck anymore. I think youre cool. (Though he is the one I would care the least about if he god eliminated.)

Icyyyy... glad you got your legs back girl.... uhh...

Same as with Fanny. remember kids! Don't make possibly soul binding contracts with unnerving strangers!

Point 2.3 - 🎶🎶/BAGGED

Pen. I'm gonna say the same thing but I am so. So sorry that you got separated from your boyfriend 💔💔💔. His rivalry with Need- NEEDLE, I SAID NEEDLE was cool and I like how he got more competitive. (I voted for him Btw. If he gets eliminated I WILL. Cry. Vote 4 pen propaganda

TV, this one is kinda short because uh.. I dont uhh. Really. Care? I think he has a lot of potential but I dont really remeber him doing anything huge sooo

Needy! Oh. Oh no. *gets slapped into outer space* I like her. The thing with Pen was cool and I just generally enjoy her. Shes the gaslight gatekeep girlboss of the group and honestly? I hope she gets a bigger role.

Tennisball. How many times will I have to do this bit. I am so so so so so so sorry you got separated from your girlfriend 💔💔💔💔 you malewife. Its like actually the first time he and GB weren't on a team together and I think it could be interesting to see him try to kinda. Cope with that. (And also with being a leader, my boy was not made for this kinda stuff)

Basketball! .. dont make deals children.

Also, she is being set up to be an important character (obviously). With the robot flower stuff, her thing with one and rivalry with gb that i think the writers forgot about (or did it get resolved. Idk) she has had a shit ton of screen time and will play a major role in the one stuff.

And Bottle! I uhh. Yeah! Your thing with Eraser is interesting I guess! ... (She will get eliminated)

And finally (but not really)

Point 2.4 - CloudYAY

This is the last time I do this. Gb. I am. So, so so so so sorry that you got separated from your malewife boyfriend 💔💔💔

But seriously I love GB. Your team cant handle your girlboss levels. I seriously hope they will listen to you because if it turns into the 8ball situation again I will do something. (Seriously, why do people hate GB as a leader that much? She is bossy as hell, yeah, but like. Shes a pretty good leader imo)

WINNER! My non-binary pal. My sassy gender neutral gay i mean gay i mean guy. I really hope they do something big with your character again. The clock thing was pretty fun and I hope to get to know them more. Besides, Loser is like. Free. He's probably still being a celebrity like usual. I hope we get to expand even more on their past together. (I voted for them btw)

Barf bag, my dear. Jnj, please do something with her. (Ooh, but Moth, tpot 9 this tpot 9 that she played a big role in tpot 9) DONT CARE. GIVE ME MORE CONTENT OF HER.

Donut. .. so. I really like donut. His friendship with Barf bag is cool, his connection to four back in bfb was cool and i generally like him as a character. That being said.. i dont have high hopes for him. Don't get me wrong, I DONT want him eliminated, but... i dont know. Its a hunch, okay? I dont feel good about this.

Yellow face. You racist motherfucker. You took Icy's legs, donut's arms (possibly creating two traps for one, con fucking gratulations) and you also live inside my fucking walls. Despite what I said i think hes hella entertaining even if his morals are uh.. far from great.

And finally, Pillow. If i had a second guess to who would be getting eliminated, I would say its her. She has had a shit ton of haters recently and uhh.. i can see WHY.. I would love to explore her relationships within the new team. But if she gets eliminated then eh,, whatever.

. Whew, finally we got trough that, huh?

3. . No. NOT AGAIN WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THREE AGAIN N-

So. In my Tpot 11 ramble i therorised that Three was locked away in Fours for possibly doing something terrible, and while that theory still stands...

Why did they close the door?

I think Three uhh.. lets say.. isnt feeling the best in terms of sanity right now. I mean, the whole vibe of their cage is creepy as hell. Maybe they went insane enough to develop the need to stay there? I dont know

They could have just closed it because they are afraid of four, but the whole vibe off the scene suggests otherwise (but then i am a deltarune fan and we all know about the ending of chapter 1 being a fakeout?? Whatever. sooooo)

4. Four is acting kinda strange. Is it just me? His voice sounds different and they got a very unnerving vibe from them, kinda like one does. Also why do they need the couch? I am kinda concerned.

Okay thats it its almost one am i have enough bye

[strawberryraviegutz]

I feel like this needs to be said but..Am I the only one getting annoyed with the “Ame Chan is a bad person/problematic” discourse?? I’m not just talking about the ppl who’ve been complaining about her character saying they “didn’t realize how awful she was”. I’m also talking about ppl being like “lmao yall clearly didn’t play the game of course she’s a horrible person you’re just now realizing that??”

You don’t necessarily have to play a game to be a fan of it. It’s pretty common for ppl to watch gameplay videos or videos covering the story of/analyzing games and characters if they can’t or don’t wanna play it. Second I dont think we should just look at Ame through a black and white lense. Ame’s not a horrible person but she’s not necessarily good either. She’s a very VERY flawed person who struggles with mental health issues and addiction and makes rlly bad decisions and says rlly mean/bad things.

But that’s like…literally everyone on earth. Everyone has flaws especially mentally ill ppl, nobody’s perfect. It’s implied that Ame was literally abandoned/disowned by her parents so of course she’s not going to make the best decision with a “stable” mind especially if you’re desperate.

Ame Chan does terrible things/decisions like taking drugs on stream and self harming on stream and I think she even killed herself on stream too in one ending(tho feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) which is obviously irresponsible and dangerous. And she says things that aren’t necessarily nice or the best(some of it is warranted since some of the ppl in her chat were saying rlly awful, gross and even misogynistic things and calling her “old”).

And while she only wanted to be kangel for attention online, it’s kinda possible that she’s been able to have positive impacts on her fans/audience. We’ve seen how she is with the younger side of her fanbase as Kangel. She’s very kind and compassionate and overall very sweet towards them. Kangel’s entire persona is revolved around reaching out to lonley ppl online who’re struggling and to make them happy.

She may be doing it only for money snd attention, but like most ppl who struggle with mental health issues, they sometimes don’t realize the positive impacts they’ve had on the ppl around them. Hell maybe deep down Ame made Kangel to also help reach out to ppl like her online and make them happy too.

And as for the whole shotacon accusations, Ame Chan is NOT a shotacon. It was a very bad translation error and we all know that most translators aren’t always reliable(especially Google Translate) so please stop spreading that around. It’s been debunked already.

Maybe I’m biased because while I don’t have BPD(at least I don’t think so), have never taken drugs, nor have I ever cut myself in like a very VERY long time(tho I never left any scars cuz i didn’t like pain)and have an anxiety disorder and am autistic, I still sorta relate to/kin Ame Chan.

I’ve had my moments where I’ve had emotional and or violent outbursts(not where I’ve beat someone up or broke anything)due to a rush of emotion and or getting real worked up/frustrated online and irl.

And it’s always rubbed me the wrong way when I’ve been seeing ppl trying to put Ame into the box of “bad/problematic person” whether you’re trying to defend her character or not. It’s a lot more complex and morally grey than that and I think characters like her being in media are important to lessen the stigma of mental health whether it be in Japan or worldwide.

Feel free to correct me and fill me in on stuff if I missed anything or left anything out but in conclusion, Ame Chan is a not a good person, but she’s not necessarily a monster and or all bad either and I think ppl on both sides should realize that.

[doomsdaydicecascader]

What would you say was the thing that really shifted your opinion on postcanon stuff? I remember reading your long form posts about it and finding them pretty eloquent and interesting given the information I had (and I admit they did nudge me to me to end up not reading the epilogues along with the sheer length and my own squeamishness, though of course you also gave them their due when you felt it was fair)

if i'm being real, it's primarily interaction with other homestuck fans - my social media spaces tend to be pretty heavily curated, i basically only follow people i trust to be intelligent, since like. there is a level of comfort and complacency with social media? i don't like following new people, i don't like unfollowing old people. so i just dont branch out that much.

but i joined the mspfa discord in........ may of last year? while i really enjoy playing the role of like, i compared myself to solaire of astora once. guy who is there to help. i enjoy doing that, there is fun in that. i have spent many hours over the past months explaining homestuck plot points in ways that basically only i would and it is largely, pearls before swine, because the fact is that people dont want to understand post-canon, they don't want to like, pick at it critically, to understand why the decisions were made, they want to hate post-canon. and this is a very critical difference between me not liking post-canon and the majority of people hating post-canon.

and there is something to be said about experiencing homestuck as it is perceived by other people, to really solidify what i liked about homestuck post-canon, because there was stuff i liked to begin with. and seeing people who hate it without good reason frustrate me! genuinely, if you had to see the same "i heard jade has a dog penis" discussions every 2 weeks from some sprout who showed up only to be mad, you would start to defend it too.

like, i actually delayed that second blog post at the time because hatred for the team was flaring up again, for whatever reason, i don't even remember. but i remember putting it off because i didn't want to contribute to people who were blindly angry about homestuck^2

there are reasons to not like post-canon, lord knows there are plenty. i actually stand by basically everything i said about it not actually working and the times where it goes too far. in the second blog post, not the first one. but like, there is a total and all-encompassing difference in what the conversation is, "yeah, the meat and candy thing doesnt really work and dirks graphic suicide is ill-considered at best" doesnt matter at all when the level people are operating on is "say a plot point as a joke, make people mad, have fun circlejerking over how bad it is"

part of it is also that in the process of writing my own comic, it kind of comes with the territory to be less precious about the characters. like, team slime, my home discord server, watches movies every saturday. for a while, our theme was musicals, and eventually, we watched hamilton. and i realized that lin manuel miranda writes alexander hamilton in the exact way i am always afraid i am writing jane and vriska, like. just. truly relentlessly protective of them. and so being less precious about these characters means recognizing the flaws therein, not being afraid to write them just being kind of disasters. i still am pretty precious about them, but its a work in progress. you gotta get your hands dirty with them, and that puts it in context of respecting when others do the same

like, there are still a lot of really glaring flaws in post-canon, dont get me wrong, but theyre not insurmountable, and it helps to have spaces like burning down the house for me to express directly like. what i wanted out of homestuck. post-canon is not what i want it to be, but when has homestuck ever given anyone what they wanted without any complications whatsoever

and i think it is genuinely capable of being extremely good - this recent update (yiffy overlooking the rosemary drama) is extremely choice! i genuinely love how everyone involved is characterized, the panels are flashy, it puts to bed really stupid shit, like. its unbelievably fucking good how the problem kanaya has isnt "rose had another kid with jade in secret, our marriage is in shambles" but "jane knows about this kid", like. the absence of infidelity conflict is refreshing and says so much about everyone involved. and i have been thinking nonstop about how rose and jades daughters takes after caliborn of all characters. like. "you hope they eat each other alive" with the perspective of like, a caliborn grin is such an INSANE direction to take yiffy! holy shit! its awesome!!!!!!!!

[schizononagesimus]

nine people you'd like to know better, tagged by @evilwomanenjoyer (YAY i love tag memes)

last song: europapa van Joost Klein i am SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR EUROVISION AND JOOST IS TOP 10 ARTISTS FOR ME AND i could rly infodump abt how good this song is eofhdjnd

favorite color: just like prev, forest green!! :D i use it mostly in decorating because something bad happens to all my green shirts but i have to run my decisions by my friends bc im blue-yellow colorblind

currently watching: this kind of question always gets me cause I dont really watch tv but that makes me sound homeschooled and it's not that i don't like tv it's just that nothing ever grabs me quite as much as like, yuri on ice or the owl house or smthn and i only engage w stuff I can totally obsess over. BUT i do watch a lotta movies bc like, sure ill watch 90 mins of an adventure then be done with it. I suppose im technically watching youtube series? Like im waiting for the next hermitcraft ep rn. I guess im technically watching hazbin hotel even tho i got one ep in and dont really intend on finishing it..?

sweet/savory/spicy: hmm okay it really depends but it's NOT spicy. I like spicy food but my GI tract Does Not. I mean i wouldnt say savory necessarily but salty food is my heaven. Sweet can be very hit or miss for me depending on strength and type.

relationship status: another great question im married to miss earth and I'll kiss just about anybody but also enjoy serious dates but also a fucking tumblr post made me realize im in my slut era. Idk you know that kk slider quote "the music wants to be free" it's me im the music i think we should be able to do whatever we want forever and i think we should kiss about it. i dont rly define my relationship status in terms of things that people will easily comprehend bc the ways i experience affection are just too fundamentally different and non conforming for that tbh. relationship status- ASK (always stay kissing)

current obsession: always tlt but tmagp has snuck her way in there, and I'm still watching minecraft youtube. I swear my obsessions and daily schedule revolve around the seasons they change like four times a year so mayhap i am simply waiting for the next one

last thing you googled: dragon quest games on switch hehe i just got my switch repaired and a couple years back a coworker got me eshop giftcards for hanukkah just before it broke so now i can finally use them!! dragon quest best game series hehe

tagging: @blaquidow @abigail-pent @senseoftheday @cavalierprimary @softieghost @nooomagnus @deadcart @perfectly-fuckingcivil @vvormooze ik i know the last three of you p well but how are you doing :)

[suffarustuffaru]

❌

What's a trope you will never write?

hmmm this is a hard question cause i think for me i like to keep my options open!! and especially after finishing self love its like HAH my horizons have been broadened and now i know i am capable of writing dead dove. its to the point where i wanna one up what i did in self love bc HAH it. it couldve been worse. and even though i write a lot of angst (bc thats. most of the plot ideas i have akdndnd) i love fluff and hurt comfort and other things as well—its good to have variety!! so theres not a lot of tropes that i think i Wont write…… but i think like. a lot of fandom specific tropes in the fanfic side of rezero is stuff i wont ever write. or at least i try not to. like writing hate fic for certain characters 😭😭 even if its someone like puck and wilhelm (both of whom i. dont like as people bc of Certain Decisions theyve made but theyre Great Characters bc of those decisions). bc it does bother me if i dont at least Try to be fair with characters in the sense of just trying to still get all their nuances at least a little bit 😭😭 of course im far from a perfect writer but ill go insane if i dont make an effort ☝️☝️ and also as an emilia fan there is. um. lets just say going on her tag on ao3 fills me with pain sometimes!!

and ALSO i really dont like the trope of downplaying emilia camps found family post arc 4 :(( or shoving in conflict that doesnt make sense :(((( like ok i have a otto centric wip (that im not sure ill finish) (it may or may not be titled “strange music”….) where main route post arc 5 emilia camp conflict DOES happen so like!! i do love conflict i love challenging the emilia camp but i dont like ignoring their main route found family dybamics :((( theyre important to me!! theyre important to each other!! thats why its interesting to challenge them!! bc theyre a team!! a family!!! the whole point of rezero is friendship :((((((( so yes if im writing main route emilia camp Especially i will try my best to Never ignore that ☝️☝️ same with other relationships as well!! (ana camp…. felt camp… <3 and hell you could kind of count pris camp too with pris and heinkel’s dynamics with schult if you remove the Weird Stuff Tappei Added In wkdndnd)

and also the trope of like. fics that make an emisuba love confession into “emilia stops making subaru wait and finally confesses”. like. no. no. :((((( especially if subarus response to it is “emilia youre too slow and i hate you” like no. he would never :((((((((

i have no idea if i answered this question right but any regular tropes i can think of like “there was only one bed” is totally stuff im open to writing so like. HAH. its only the fandom specific ones i dont like T^T

[sysmedsaresexist]

Maybe its bad on my part but im native, trans, bi, afab and disabled... Ill never get an actual diagnosis just because of one of those but all 5? No way and tbh... I dont think it'll do me any good other than give me another hurdle when it comes to getting gender affirming care or adopting or even getting treated like an adult. Me and my system are ok and i dont experience distress from my system enough to think i need psychological help.

Idk if i can handle some white ass cishet abled doctor walking up and saying i dont have it and gaslighting me.

I hope this dosent conceded cause thats not my intention but even though im anti-endo, i get their distrust in the medical system and why diagnosis is something many wont persue. 1 because many of them know the doctor will diagnosis them correctly(as having trauma or having something different) and 2 because american doctors are not a safe place like... Ever. If your not a cishet abled white man.

So, a lot to cover here.

I'm white, afab, trans, bi, with multiple partners. I was diagnosed at about 21, and I've been in and out of therapy ever since. I'm also Canadian. Getting diagnosed was the best thing to ever happen for me, and I have several friends with the same experience.

And several who had bad experiences.

My experience will not be everyone's.

I am not pushing for anyone to get diagnosed. Doing so is a personal choice, and a decision that should be made by you, and your therapist if you have one. There are many reasons someone might get diagnosed (access to resources and specific care, financial support, etc) and just as many reasons someone might not want to get diagnosed. You also don't need a diagnosis to get the help you need.

What I DO want to people to hear is: whatever decision you make, do it with the REAL facts.

If you're going to choose not to get diagnosed, don't do it based on bullshit you see or hear on the internet. I made a post several months ago about someone going around saying that a diagnosis will stop you from getting housing, a job, and being able to buy alcohol, of all things, as if you have to present your mental papers to the cashier.

None of those are true. Gender affirming care also can be still be given and received, with an added step of a psychiatric evaluation (which is mandatory in Canada anyways for everyone, regardless of mental health, so if you think about it, you're not really losing anything). You can still adopt and have a family. You can own a home and have a job.

If you take anything away from my blog, it should be this:

Know your rights, and know how to exercise them

There are assholes everywhere, I'm not denying that. There are people who will bend rules and laws and who will use personal information (like diagnoses) against you. I'm not blaming anyone who has had this happen to them, either, as if they should have preemptively known better. No, that's not it at all.

Being aware that it happens, though, know that you have rights-- you're protected by employment, privacy, and human rights laws (yes, even in America, I debunk more American myths than Canadian). You do not need to disclose for work, except for positions in the military, certain healthcare positions, and when working with vulnerable sectors, and even in those cases, not always, and it can't affect their decision to hire you. You don't need to disclose for housing. You don't need to tell anyone anything, and you shouldn't, unless you need reasonable accommodations, and once they have that information, it can't be used against you. Don't let them. Easier said than done, I know, I've let things slide myself that, looking back, I wish I hadn't. Sometimes it's just easier, even if it's not right.

Point is, when in doubt, question everything. Do your own research, find your own answers, look for sources, question facts you see that aren't cited.

When you make decisions for yourself, be certain you're making it for the right reasons, and with the right information.

[postgameroutesix]

💕👗🍿💿 for the scooby ask meme!! :D

THANK U!!!

💕 - favorite relationship in the Gang?

fred + velmas friendship means SO much to me u have no idea like numero uno blowout beach bash is my best friend for what it did for them but its just how the crux of their relationship is how theyre able to relate to each other most - like while that element of relatability between them is obscured or more implicit in some iterations (sdmi for example) i think its SUCH an important facet of their relationship. they are two sides of the same coin u know. they bounce off of each other SO well whether its them putting their heads together or lightheartedly teasing the other. the whats new era + be cool did so much for the velma + fred bestie truthers

👗- favorite outfit(s) worn by the Gang?

tbh im a certified Fan of their outfits in frighthouse of a lighthouse + loch ness monster like theyre not the MOST different outfits in the world but i think theyre silly….loch ness monster more specifically actually bc we get bucket hat velma there

i also love like. all of their snow outfits like u cant go wrong with those tbh!!! be cool in particular has great subtle variation throughout which i enjoy. also also like EVERY scrappy outfit ever i do not care seeing them put him in these absolutely MINUSCULE outfits makes me tear up…..hes so baby….

🍿 - favorite movie?

AUGHHH its SO hard picking b/w my top 2 so ill say both: cyber chase + the sword and the scoob!!!!! the former i think while couldve benefitted from a larger cast i still love so mucb like it reads like such a love letter to the franchise to me its hard to articulate why i love it so much!!! it just makes me feel warm n sometimes thats all u need. wrt the latter i really really love the character + relationship writing in it!!! it feels so deeply GENUINE to me that i can even brush over one of my least fave aspects of the modern character writing (extreme skeptic velma) bc i have so much fun with it. like man when im watching this movie im kicking my feet througjout purely bc of the characters n their relationships….i dont even care about the mystery hugely though i think the idea of them being in a performance is cool i think it coulda been executed better (and they shouldve been in wales not england smh smh) but tbh whatever. the sword and the scoob is my best friend <333

📀 - favorite tv show?

SO HARD AGAIN BUT gotta be equally whats new, thirteen ghosts + be cool

whats new IS partly bc its the one from my childhood (even if i wasnt actually a scooby fan back then + was actually scared of it lol…can u imagine) but it radiates comfort for me. the theme song alone is to make me just feel purely happy u know….but anyway besides that i love the overall character writing in wsnd!!! its the last show we got with casey kasem + ill always love the snark he brought to shaggys character which is very apparent in this show. daphnes resourcefulness takes center stage which is always just super funny and endearing like girl i dont think thats supposed to work but <333 velma is portrayed as sarcastic but its never meanspirited like its made CLEAR how much she loves her friends. theyre just all so silly and love each other sooo much….

thirteen ghosts i havent actually finished yet BUT despite that its literally already at the top for me lol like firstly i love the premise - its a breakaway from the traditional scooby formula but honestly by the structuring of the episodes u wouldnt think so!!! that different take is executed VERY well imo. the cast of characters r all so very endearing like they r family…. ive always loved the decision to place daphne in a leadership role esp considering what its since engendered. flim flam is SUCH a little guy. hes a witty kid who gives great balance to the cast n his relationships w vincent + scrappy are SO!!! good honestly. vincent is funny like his entire predicament reminds me of thay thing like “found family but its a group of kids who adopt an old guy instead of the other way around” u get it….

be cool is absolutely the funniest scoobh show like no question AND its got great writing to boot!!! ive talked about character + relationship writing a lot and thats just bc thats what really makes or breaks scooby media for me lol. for be cool it BEYOND makes it!!! their dynamic is so well done like bro they r teens. they are stupid 18 year olds with thwir collective dog bestie travelling around the united states and shenanigans occur. there are so many be cool episodes just stuck to my brain bc of how genuinely great they are. and its a show where yeah its goofy and silly and comedic but it can alsp be sooo genuine i love it <333 be cool my absolute beloved

[meyhew]

I remember when you first shared that you were distancing yourself from Harry because you didn’t vibe with him anymore and you also said you couldn’t see yourself turning into a person that completely hated him and wished him ill like other blogs had done. I don’t see the necessity of taking zayn’s wholesome interview and using it to completely hate on someone else. Those boys were so young when everything went down. I do agree that zayn suffered the most from those repercussions and I’m so excited to see him again and to have content from him. But none of us know the pull picture or all the nuances and emotions that went around during that time. I just don’t understand why the attention shifted from zayn making his come back! to now villanizing someone else. And I mean you don’t owe anyone an explanation, those are your feelings. I just don’t particularly enjoy seeing people call someone rotten or evil Ig.

i'm still not villanizing his actions from back then! i have a lot of sympathy and compassion for the kid who went through that experience and had to make very tough, long-term decisions at a very young age. like i have Never judged the choices he made regarding his career/friendships back then too harshly. however he's a grown man now and i dont need to have that same level of understanding for the decisions he makes Now. and even now i dont rly care about the business side of things All That Much bc like... he's selling a product. there's an entire marketing team behind him. whatever.

personally my biggest gripe with him is his lack of support for palestine. actually not even that. i can get over a lack of support bc a lot of artists simply never ever touch that topic but harry has, over the course of nearly 10 years now, consistently made it clear that he supports israel. or At Best, he supports a two-state solution, which is also the same as supporting israel as an independent nation and invalidating palestinian liberation. that's why i think he isn't a good person bc as far as i'm concerned, a person's stance on this particular issue says so much about their moral character. no amount of impeccable manners and philanthropy can make up for it.

i genuinely don't think about him enough to wish him ill and i hardly ever talk about him on this blog but if once in a blue moon someone wants to vent and i agree with what's being said then 🤷🏽‍♀️

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

I had my older sister say the *exact* same thing to me too, and she’s 2 years older then me too. Didn’t hint at it. Just said it explicitly and nastily to me when we were lightly arguing once. Never apologized for it. When I look back at our relationship, she was always trying to get me in trouble, never stood up for me, played her bff against me, never treated me like an equal, always made fun of me in a intimate way and in front of people, even in front of her bfs, tried to ruin my name in the family to make her herself look better. Whenever I had something going for me, she dragged it down.

She sounds like your sister. Selfcentered, blames you for her problems, never treats you of equal worth, really insecure, has codependent relations with shitty men, hardly ever gives the impression that she really cares about you unless she needs something from you, wants you to always be at least one rung below her in everything so that you never get potential attention.

I’m not saying she doesn’t love me, and that I don’t love her., deep down. Just that I don’t deserve to be treated this way, never have been. But when you grow up with a sister like this, it has always been a constant in your life, that by the time you realize it as an adult, the greater part of the damage has been done. She’ll never change. This is part of her personality, so its rooted. You got to do what you got to do.

I had to make a horrible decision once to not take her into my home. But I weighed it long and hard, and looking back on all of the abuse she has thrown my way so easily and carelessly, as if I had no feelings at all but was just her emotional punching bag, I had to tell her, No. And tell her why. ‘Because you are abusive to me, and I know you will slip into it again with me if we are living together, like always, and I can’t have it, anymore.’ It honestly was a matter of survival to me. I didn’t leave her in bad condition, she could have asked my other older sister to help her (and did, after). My other sister is as selfabsorbed and thinks I exist to handle everyones problems in the family, and so got mad at me when I didn’t do as they wanted. So they had hate sessions about me , and now I’m the bona fide villain of the family.

I’m not gonna lie and say it was easy for me to stand up for myself because guilt really ate away at me. But living with her would have decimated me internally,psychologically , I know it. Not everyone is so strong that they can rise above the abuse in their past. Most of us just try to manage it and little by little get to a better place inside ourselves.

Good luck to you, you seem to be dealing with it well.

I'm sorry to hear all that. I believe you made the best decision you could and hope you are doing well 💜

To be honest, my sister was never very nice as children. When I was extremely sick at 13 and 14 (I ended up having surgery and very nearly died), she told everyone I was faking up until she saw me after on a million ivs and hopped up on morphine and agony. It was awful, I was suffering physically, my dad didn't care, and my sister thought I was attention seeking.

It wasn't until a few years later where she apologised and genuinely acknowledged what she did. We have a better relationship sonce but she still has bouts of bitternes bc she has untreated trauma, mentall illness, and addiction issues. This doesn't excuse her behaviour but it is a factor in it.

And I know for a fact I can't live with her again. Whenever we were together she was absolutely cruel. She is not the type to share a space with. She is still very immature and I think she resents that I have typically been able to handle things more maturely than she has. Im not perfect but she acts on emotion first.

Anyhow I've been working on saying no to her. It's tough bc I dont have much relationship with any other family.

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[trickstergemini]

sorry guys this ones a bit of a vent post very specific to my trauma but i wanted to share anyways because someone out there might relate to this and feel very relieved when they do. its a bit emo i feel a little like a movie villain monologuing rereading this but i need to put this anger somewhere outside of my notes and current best friend’s dms

this one goes out to kit. i hope you’re happy sitting on your throne above all your friends yet still acting like youre “one of the people.” your ego isnt quiet. especially to the people you murdered the identities and agencies of. especially her, the purest core of me that ever existed. she is dead and its your fault. she was only 13. she did everything to meet your impossible standards and now im here and she’ll never exist again. thanks for that. for making me. i dont want to exist, i never wanted to exist, i did all that because you frowned at me when i was me. thanks for never making me feel like i could be my own person. thanks for preying on my innocence. thanks for judging and manipulating every thought i had or decision i made so you could still be top dog on your moral high ground. thanks for treating your best friend like a kindergartner with no experience of the world, and thanks for teaching me that condescension is inherent with every person ill call a best friend. thanks for making me feel inferior every time i was excited to show you i made a close friend. apparently i couldnt have any of those outside of you unless they were hopelessly obsessed with you. thanks for abandoning me and purposely enabling people to exclude and “forget” me. thanks for agreeing when your friends said i was annoying for just existing instead of sticking up for me. thanks for prioritizing your own friends and treating them as equals to you while treating your best friend as irrelevant. but when i started to move on from you, you couldnt let that slide! you had to have him too! lying through your teeth saying you treat him better than anyone else and see him as a person rather than a prize. we all know hes just your trophy, and that you’re proud of yourself for your excellent ability to manipulate your personality to get what you want at the expense of others happiness. im not the only one who has noticed by the way, every time you get all secretive when asked about him? im not the only one who noticed that shit. you can do whatever the fuck you want with him i dont care anymore, but i hope you understand youre on thin ice and your actions and lies and manipulation will come and bite you in the ass soon.

it sucks that everyone still likes you and it sucks that he ended up abandoning me too for you. it sucks that i have to exist carrying all of this weight and fear from eight years of emotional and mental manipulation just because you couldnt let me be better than you, because everything has to be a competition with you and if youre not putting people down youre not satisfied with yourself. and you’re walking scott free. closer now than i ever have been to the friends i made that i was so excited to introduce to you. they barely talk to me anymore because theyre busy with you. i hope youre happy knowing you have everything you have because you felt okay pushing me down. i hope to god you live knowing that every day

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Calliope

Act 6, page 7059-7097

JADE: im starting to remember the things she told me so vividly now

JADE: its amazing what a creative project can do to get your mind turning

CALLIOPE: ^u^

CALLIOPE: what shall i draw first?

JADE: the land of wind and shade!

JADE: that is where the story starts

CALLIOPE: i see.

CALLIOPE: which story, exactly?

CALLIOPE: her story, or yoUrs?

JADE: hmmm

JADE: both, as a matter of fact

JADE: my story began with a tragedy on lowas, which led to meeting her in the first place

JADE: and then, she used my memory of that tragedy as a starting point for her story, which turned out to be related

CALLIOPE: ooh, fascinating!

CALLIOPE: (i love stories)

JADE: (i know)

JADE: ill start with mine, since that will make everything else make sense

JADE: so go ahead and start drawing

CALLIOPE: what?

JADE: lowas!!

CALLIOPE: right!

CALLIOPE: how's this?

JADE: looks good!

JADE: dont forget to put a really tall house poking out of the top

CALLIOPE: oh yes, of coUrse.

CALLIOPE: so yoU say yoUr story begins with a tragedy?

CALLIOPE: what shall i draw next to depict this tragedy?

JADE: nothing yet... ill get to that!

JADE: but yes, the tragedy is why i was alone on the golden ship

JADE: it was not long after our three year journey began

JADE: i was relaxing in our makeshift livingroom, giving john and davesprite some space to themselves for a while so they could catch up

JADE: john wanted to visit his home again

JADE: so i happily obliged and shrunk them both down so they could hang out in his tiny tall house

JADE: it seemed like the nice thing to do...

JADE: but i came to regret that decision more than any ive ever made

JADE: i was minding my own business when out of nowhere...

JADE: lowas exploded!!!

JADE: i couldnt believe it

JADE: it was totally inexplicable

JADE: there was no trace of them at all... they were both dead

JADE: i supposed it must have meant johns death was heroic... but i couldnt for the life of me imagine how

JADE: to me it was as pointless and arbitrary as a death could be

JADE: i looked within myself as hard as i could to see if there was some power i had, in all my omnipotence, to bring them back

JADE: but i couldnt

JADE: they were gone

JADE: i would spend the next three years on that ship without my two best friends

JADE: sure, there were still consorts and chess guys to keep me company

JADE: but the loss was too much for me to bear

JADE: i felt so alone

JADE: weeks and months went by...

JADE: i didnt have the slightest sense of how quickly or slowly time was passing

JADE: any sense of purpose to reaching the destination had vanished, and delicious though it was, no amount of nannas cake would bring me comfort

JADE: toward the end of the journey, when i feeling particularly despondent...

JADE: i fell asleep and had a dream

JADE: and that is when i met a very powerful, strangely charismatic creature...

JADE: her name was calliope ;)

JADE: as i said, she was somewhat like you, and yet so unalike

JADE: her presence was so serious and grave

JADE: her hollow eyes were piercing... but not hostile

JADE: but the prevailing sense i got from her was one of loneliness

JADE: before she even said a word, i could feel it somehow, that this was a deeply lonely soul

JADE: until i met her, i thought i was the loneliest person in the universe

JADE: but a feeling told me she had been here by herself for a long long time

JADE: i felt sorry for her

JADE: and relating to her plight helped me overcome the feelings of intimidation

JADE: so we began to talk

JADE: we traded stories about ourselves

JADE: she spoke of the brother she killed

JADE: i spoke of the brother i lost

JADE: and when i mentioned johns death

JADE: that is when she became very serious again

JADE: she began to recount how john had died, repeating to me the same story i just told you

JADE: she described the spontaneous destruction of lowas which left me alone for years

JADE: i wondered why she was recounting this tragedy that happened to me, and for that matter how she knew of it herself

JADE: she went on to say that lowas was destroyed because johns denizen had suddenly woken up

JADE: typheus, a great monster of truly terrifying power

JADE: she said he had destroyed his land and slayed his own heir of breath not out of malice, but to make a slight correction

JADE: i asked her...

JADE: what do you mean, "correction"?

JADE: she said that the john from my reality, and his entire planet, needed to be erased

JADE: and that the slumbering denizen in all his mysterious wisdom knew this

JADE: she told me that the dreams of a denizen draw from the same well of potential from which every conceivable possibility arises

JADE: the same place skaia gets its power from

JADE: so if an agreement with a denizen is reached in one reality, that same denizen in another reality could become aware of it, and respond accordingly

JADE: it seems that john, somewhere, in some other plane of existence, had made just such an agreement

JADE: she said that the john i knew, like herself, was only one version of a person

JADE: there was a different version of john from another reality poised to play a more significant role

JADE: you see, the john from that reality in an act of desperation had gone to see typheus, and struck a bargain with him

JADE: she would go on to explain the nature of that bargain in the next part of her story

JADE: but from my perspective, the consequence of this bargain was to lose my friends, and to live with that for years without understanding why

JADE: losing them still hurt, but i was so relieved to at least understand the reason, and to realize their senseless deaths were actually serving a bigger purpose

JADE: i thanked her for letting me know

JADE: she told me she was not human, and had no frame of reference for empathizing with my feelings

JADE: but if there was one thing she could relate to, it was the feeling of being alone

JADE: the feeling of waiting for what seems like eternity by yourself, until finally your purpose presents itself

CALLIOPE: ...

JADE: ....

CALLIOPE: i feel sorry for her.

CALLIOPE: er, for myself, i suppose. but then again, that feeling is nothing new.

JADE: heh

CALLIOPE: it's an odd statement she made, thoUgh.

JADE: what?

CALLIOPE: not having the frame of reference for empathizing with hUman feelings.

CALLIOPE: if yoU asked me, i woUld say i have the vantage to relate to both hUmans and cherUbs, so when yoU describe yoUr feelings of sadness over losing friends, i'd have more than enoUgh groUnds for commiseration.

CALLIOPE: do you think that this version of me never...

JADE: never what?

CALLIOPE: never had hUman friends like i did?

JADE: i have no idea

CALLIOPE: what a strange thoUght.

CALLIOPE: to grow Up with only my brother for "company"...

CALLIOPE: and not even have my hUman friends to get me by.

CALLIOPE: what a dreadfUl fate. the poor thing.

CALLIOPE: maybe that was the difference?

CALLIOPE: what let her predominate over her brother, whereas i was too, erm...

CALLIOPE: "hUmanly socialized" to sUcceed in my cherUbic rite of passage?

JADE: could be!

JADE: i dont know enough about cherub rites of passage to say either way

JADE: human rites of passage either, for that matter

CALLIOPE: so then what happened!

JADE: right! anyway...

JADE: thats when she began her story in earnest

JADE: the one she summoned me in my dreams to tell me

JADE: the story of the other john who made a deal with typheus

JADE: it began with the same place mine did

JADE: lowas

JADE: ...

JADE: so, go on

CALLIOPE: what?

JADE: draw lowas again!

CALLIOPE: oh!!

CALLIOPE: wait.

CALLIOPE: all over again?

JADE: ummmmmm

JADE: no, you can just copy the first one you did :)

CALLIOPE: what a lovely idea.

CALLIOPE: i'd hate to hold Up the pace of yoUr exciting tale with a bUnch of sUperflUoUs doodling.

CALLIOPE: good enoUgh?

JADE: yes, but...

JADE: there are also supposed to be glitches around

CALLIOPE: glitches?

CALLIOPE: what do yoU mean by glitches?

JADE: like computery glitches i think

CALLIOPE: that soUnds hard to draw.

JADE: ok why dont we not worry about showing the glitches for this story

JADE: they would just make it harder to see whats going on...

JADE: which is probably the point now that i think about it?

CALLIOPE: the point?

CALLIOPE: of what?

JADE: i never thought much about it

JADE: it just seemed like a weird detail she mentioned

JADE: but i guess it was some strange form of corruption in their session that made everything harder to understand

CALLIOPE: where did the corrUption come from?

JADE: no idea!

JADE: i guess it was just one more way everything got messed up for them

JADE: like, just another surreal obstacle for a hero to overcome?

JADE: oh, that reminds me

JADE: you need to draw john there as well!

CALLIOPE: right-o.

CALLIOPE: there yoU go.

CALLIOPE: one hero.

CALLIOPE: sans sUrreal obstacles!

JADE: :)

JADE: when she mentioned that i didnt give it a second thought

JADE: but now that i am trying to reconstruct everything and tell you what to draw...

JADE: hmm

CALLIOPE: hm?

JADE: i guess when youre trying to tell a story it forces you to think a lot more about everything than when youre just listening to one

CALLIOPE: tis qUite trUe.

CALLIOPE: perhaps yoU shoUld start writing?

CALLIOPE: how did she begin?

JADE: let me think...

JADE: hmm, maybe we should pause before i go on?

CALLIOPE: paUse??

JADE: like

JADE: some sort of intermission

JADE: so i can collect my thoughts a bit, and to give the audience a little breather between two significant arcs

JADE: we were at it for a pretty good while there, after all

CALLIOPE: what... aUdience?

JADE: well, that would be you in this case

JADE: ooh i know!

JADE: i can doodle a quick story about the antics of the silly consorts on the golden ship before moving on

CALLIOPE: >:U

JADE: one of the things i did to pass the time on the ship was give them funny names

JADE: lets meet our cast of characters for this intermission shall we?

CALLIOPE: ...

JADE: lets see, there waaaas

JADE: bubbleupagus

JADE: thips ahoy

JADE: nak be nimble

JADE: slowpoke malone

CALLIOPE: jade.

JADE: detective glubsbudget

JADE: fidgety herbert

JADE: doctor snausages

JADE: yiffyiff

CALLIOPE: JADE!

JADE: huh?

CALLIOPE: I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!

CALLIOPE: YOUR CONSORT FRIENDS ARE SO VERY CUTE AND THEIR NAMES ARE SILLY AND I LOVE THEM ALL BUT I WANT TO HEAR THE REST OF THE STORY!

CALLIOPE: PLEASE LET'S GO BACK TO ILLUSTRATING HER STORY, I'M SO CURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

CALLIOPE: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

JADE: wow, ok sorry!!!!!

JADE: yes youre right this is a stupid diversion... lets continue

JADE: um callie...

JADE: your hand :o

CALLIOPE: oops. :u

CALLIOPE: ahem. pay no attention to that.

CALLIOPE: do carry on.

JADE: so... anyway

JADE: like i said, she just finished telling me that she was able to beat her brother in this reality

JADE: but apparently, that wasnt supposed to happen?

JADE: so she lived out the rest of her life in a doomed timeline and eventually died

JADE: she didnt mention how

JADE: and then...

JADE: and then she did this kinda fancy transition

JADE: darn, i dont think ill do it justice

JADE: a transition to a story about MY brother... who was stuck in a doomed timeline too

JADE: i think ill mess it up if i try to match what she said word for word

JADE: she had a really fanciful way of putting things

CALLIOPE: there's no need to try to recite what she said.

CALLIOPE: jUst tell the story in yoUr own voice, as yoU have already been doing!

CALLIOPE: it will be more fUn that way.

JADE: ok

JADE: so the bottom line was

JADE: almost all our friends had died

JADE: and johns only hope was to return to his planet, and attempt to complete his personal quest

JADE: as you know, we all have personal quests that are unique to our planets

JADE: the nature of the quest is never easy to understand at first

JADE: they are presented to us through enigmatic riddles conveyed through the lore of the land

JADE: for john it was to journey to the place where "constellations danced beneath the clouds"

JADE: it was said the heir of breath was to free the stars from the shade and release them into heaven

JADE: this was just a mysterious way of saying what he REALLY had to do

JADE: the stars were actually fireflies

JADE: theyd been flying around trapped beneath the overcast sky ever since john first brought lowas into existence by his arrival

JADE: and paradoxically, theyd been imprisoned there for ages even before that

JADE: such is the way of our lands

JADE: they are newly born the day we arrive...

JADE: and yet they always were

JADE: to free the fireflies john would have to play a special song

JADE: it had to be played just right to summon the breeze through the pipes

JADE: but there was a problem...

JADE: the pipes were all clogged with oil!

JADE: the first day john came to his land, oil began oozing up from the core, flooding the pipes and filling the oceans

JADE: to play the song, first he would need to clean up the oil

JADE: and to do that, he would need to face the slumbering one himself

JADE: he would need to face typheus

JADE: but as he wandered through the catacombs down to the planets core

JADE: he wasnt thinking about freeing fireflies or cleaning up oil

JADE: he was seeking the help of his denizen to master a power he couldnt control

JADE: luckily for him, denizens always seem to understand what you want

JADE: and more importantly, what you need, whether you know it or not

JADE: ...

JADE: is something wrong callie?

CALLIOPE: hm?

JADE: go ahead and draw typheus!

CALLIOPE: oh...

CALLIOPE: yes, Um...

JADE: you do know what he looks like dont you?

CALLIOPE: i believe i do.

JADE: it doesnt have to be perfect

JADE: just draw a big green snake monster!

CALLIOPE: a big green snake monster yoU say...

CALLIOPE: :u

JADE: yes

JADE: a snake monster with the most unspeakably hideous face you can imagine

JADE: but you dont have to be too literal about that

JADE: feel free to draw something a little more representational :)

CALLIOPE: hrm.

CALLIOPE: i am not sUre if...

CALLIOPE: i am particUlarly comfortable rendering sUch imagery.

JADE: why not?

CALLIOPE: it strikes me as...

CALLIOPE: rather indecent.

CALLIOPE: for reasons i woUld be too embarrassed to explain. u_u;

JADE: thats ok

JADE: why dont i draw it?

CALLIOPE: very well.

CALLIOPE: bUt yoU mUst excUse me if i giggle.

JADE: ok but i dont see whats so indecent about a big old snake!

CALLIOPE: tee hee!

JADE: lol

JADE: when john got to the core he arrived to find typheus awake and ready for him

CALLIOPE: (giggle.)

JADE: he was then presented with the choice

CALLIOPE: (snicker.)

JADE: stop, youre gonna make me crack up too!

JADE: this part is serious!!

CALLIOPE: i apologize. please...

CALLIOPE: (snort.)

CALLIOPE: go on.

JADE: his choice was presented as a kind of riddle

JADE: spoken in a language only he could understand, spelling out the conditions he must accept

JADE: but speaking from experience, once a player is given the choice between two courses of action, it will hardly feel like a choice at all

JADE: if the heart is in the right place then the right thing to do always seems obvious

JADE: so john accepted his denizens terms

JADE: and with that...

JADE: typheus opened valves to the core

JADE: and flooded it with oil!

JADE: there was no way out

JADE: he could not transform into wind because he was completely submerged!

JADE: so he was faced with two possibilities

JADE: either he could figure out how to make himself disappear completely, using the ability he hoped to master

JADE: or he could drown in the oil

JADE: drowning obviously would have been bad :p

JADE: but disappearing wouldnt be much better!

JADE: he would appear somewhere else, having made no progress on his personal quest

JADE: his planet would still be polluted and he would be no closer to playing his song

JADE: somehow he understood the only way was to conceive of a third option

JADE: an idea beyond the simple binary set of outcomes before him

JADE: and interestingly

JADE: it was coming to this understanding which gave him the first glimpse of how to control the power

JADE: he realized it wasnt himself that he needed to make disappear...

JADE: it was the oil!

JADE: he dispersed every drop throughout existence

JADE: leaving a little mark for anyone who might notice, signifying his final mastery over his confining reality

JADE: but more importantly...

JADE: leaving his planet clean

JADE: and the pipes clear

JADE: finally they were ready to let the breeze flow

JADE: so he could play his song

[krs724490]

10/30/2023

talk to gabby and come back. a sister. someone who sees, someone who can give me the energy I couldnt give to myself sitting up in my room. thank you for sending her. whoever you are, whatever you are, your intelligence, your grace amazes me. tonight it was her. she was the soft light that illuminated my darkness. tomorrow ill dress as a mermaid. ill wear rosie's leggings and gabby's accessories. all banded together to make the most perfect outfit. one that I can show up in fully. one that illustrates the magic of the world. a mermaid. my favorite mythical creature. symbolic of the world beyond. I get to be her tomorrow. I get to step into her. when I cant see straight, my friends are there to lean on. what a gift. to help dress me to be the mermaid I hope to me. my highest self is a mermaid, she's a fairy, shes a woman of nature. today was hard, but I know tomorrow I will be just fine. I will tip myself in the direction of the narrative I'm praying for, knowing that it is also praying for me.

Its a beautiful myth. An incredible fairytale. One that is so out of this world. Its the tale of a young girl. Born of a filipino father, who is oddly both hard and soft. Who put a tint on her childhood of malice. Feeling like a bit like Cinderella, "write a list of everything I've done for you.. and then tell me you wont go grab me a pepsi from the basement fridge." One stand out night of absolute terror and yelling and running to Sydney's room. My mom holding us, my dad manipulating us to turn us against our mother. Abuse. Begging my mom not to call the police. I've seen the photo of the bruise. I dont know where I found it, but the image of my mom's face is burned in my brain. The yellowish, green bruise staining the side of her face. The way my dad drove us to Eric's house to show us my mom's car parked outside of it, it still had our window paint all over it - decorated for the jonas brothers concert. The way he made us call her and ask her where she was. She lied and said she was at the farmer's market and we cried the whole way home. My mother is my hero. No human on this planet could ever. ever. top my mother. Mimi I know you're here too. Thank you, thank you for her. My mother's heart and mind are the most magical combination, the most amazing concoction of human parts. She is incredible. She did her absolute best. and she succeeded even she she probably couldnt see a way through. this is the strongest testament to human's growing toward the sun that I can see. over time, through it all, she persisted. with no father present, only a loving mother who also had to do it all. my family is no stranger to hardship. she brought a man into our lives when we were little. the one thing she did for herself. the one thing she would not budge on. he saved her. she knew he would and he did. so she did what she needed to do to take care of herself, thats the only time she ever stood up for herself. the only time she took what she wanted and didn't put others first. im proud of her for that. even though I was caught in the crossfire, I'm proud of her for that. the one decision she made for herself. I suppose as women we all hit a certain crossroads, where we can no longer bare the weight of listening to other people about what we should do and who we should be. we must heed to the call within and stand our ground. this is where I come from. this is where the tale begins. this beautiful, broken, but over time soft and loving place. in the southeast corner of the mitten.

im not going to pretend to know what I was like as a toddler. the only distinct, possibly significant part of my childhood was living in sydney's shadow. in this tale, the tale I told myself at that time, I was the less impressive, less responsible, rebellious, artistic child. the story I told myself is the only one that matters because it framed my reality, the way I felt about myself.

I discovered yoga when I was in high school. I had the most incredible teachers. it allowed me to tap into the power that can be accessed through spirit, through the body, it gave me a glimpse into things bigger. I look back and I see a naive, young soul. In the most beautiful way, I believed whole heartedly in the teachings. I made them me. My identity, who I was - introducing yogikelsey. I felt so connected at that time, with the way I was able to navigate pleasures, physical pleasures - food. I believed in nourishing myself and so I did in the best way I knew how and it wasn't difficult mentally. I was confused as to how people did find it difficult, I looked down upon those who had no self control. No willpower. I thought them lesser. On the mental level of desire, I was still such a dreamer. I let boys run away with my mind. I followed what I thought was a good path for me, trying to compromise between what I wanted for myself (being creative/artsy) and what the world was telling me to do (work a corporate job). My heart goes out to this girl. The one who loved boys. Who took so much pleasure in being what they needed. I wanted to be the one for each of them. I wanted to stay with them, I wanted to fulfill the role of dream girl for them, it was my favorite role to play. I loved to be admired in that way, but it was my own twisted game I played on myself. I changed myself to be their dream girl and then I wasn't myself. I lost myself and then I left because I was tired of being the girl they wanted me to be and I never offered them my real self and asked for acceptance. Gabby was right, I never offered them my real self because I didn't think that was good enough. I didn't accept myself. I wasn't confident in who I was. The finger gets pointed back at me. It is my responsibility to show Graham who I really am. I cannot bend myself to be who I think he wants me to be and then get upset about not being seen or understood. I must offer myself to him in an honest way.

this really is the root of it all. even my situation today. it is my lack of acceptance of the path. my lack of acceptance for what ive been through and the way the path has been laid. I've been fighting it. I've been fearing it. I've been ____ing it. I have not shown it full acceptance and love. I've seen it as an obstacle. There is still energy to be shifted around this and it doesn't happen overnight. I accept myself for what happened today. I love myself for what happened today. I see the intelligence behind the way situations were handled today. I turned to food because its the only thing I know, a substance that my whole body and my brain has been used to reaching for. I cannot hold it against myself. I cannot start a war inside of myself for something that was the only way today. The only way my poor system could cope. I love my body as it is, as it sits here and now. My body has been through the trauma of me stuffing it full and it has still rebounded time and time again. My body holds me even when I dont care or ask to be held. I have 4 limbs. I have good cardio. I feel vital. Its hard to think I could look upon this body with disdain. This body that has done so much for me. I shower it with love and understanding. I apologize to you body and to you the universe that gave it to me for ever objectifying you. for trying to morph and manipulate, for simplifying your presence as something for other people. for other people to see and judge me for. you are so much more than that. you are infintly more than that. you are my connection to this world. and I love you so much. Im so sorry I ever reduced your value to be anything less than completely miraculous. the way your natural processes keep me going to experience this life is something to be so cherished. In theory, people tell you to love your body and believe in yourself. and in theory, I believed them. but it wasn't a felt sense. it was known idea. today the pain point was lit up in neon lights. look here! more love here needed! please sit, please look at me. look at the unhealed wounds. hold them up and sing holy holy. my body was asking for more love. this whole time, my body was asking for more love.

[in-decisivo]

if i wasnt a natural fire storm always on the brink of offense i wouldnt have done the things i did to you,

but i was and i am made up of limitless energy of fire & you threw the gasoline to just ignite the flames even more

certainly, on a different standpoint it was regrettable but for me i think you know that thats me bringing justice for myself, to myself because i deserved it

i couldve striked you better - unsuspiciously, more devastating and harder but you were the love of my life i knew you

you wont be able to make it if i scheme and plan all of my arsenal and point at you

it means i still have a heart right, i have a heart

i know i shouldve left you alone with your rotten thoughts and decisions and keep questioning why you did the things you shouldnt have behind my back but im not that person, yet

i keep watching the stars and as i try to understand it - you, while laughable - you had this tendency within you, so pathetic and ill take it as it is

i didnt know you like that and as the stars have shown me, you really are that type

me, on the other side mightve suffered more as i try to keep you more

because you knew in the back of your head all those punishable things you did, yet you didnt whispered a word about it

unluckily, i have the bestest gut ever even when you tried to water it down i know im the best at it, i know im right about it and everything im right about everything

my goodbyes everytime i have to drop you off at Gateway for you to get home are always an epiphany of you leaving me and everytime you ride the ejeep on your way home i pretend ill just see you again next time but i felt it in my bones, so familiar it became a nuisance to me, until you do

i keep watching the stars for clues, i tried to trace any evidence of you and all the things you did to me, they were all sorry for you and how apologetic they were as opposed to you, you werent sorry at all not until i found out

even in clarity, even when i have the best view of everything there are things that my eyes cant reach and i know you know what lacks in this narrative

until then, the stars will lead me back to my self again and i know it

my universe is not you, anymore

it was debilitating to admit this to myself but you shouldnt have revolved around my orbit, i am the sun and you dont deserved to be in my galaxy