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#I’d always count it as a win if I got through the winter blues without dissociating#and I haven’t yet#but this really hasn’t been a win#god the whole of December so far SUCKS#don’t mind me I’m moody and sick and in pain and weak and upset af myself and anxiety and upset at my family and just#upset#because everyone is lovely i have just reached a breaking point and everything is too much and my thinking is weird again and just !#sigh#suddenly feel trapped???????#when I worked hard to get to where I am???????#what issssssss this#(me not doing well is what this is)#once again; I am not allowed to make major life decisions in December#anyways I’m still ill (stomach flu. I’ll spare you the details but it was Bad)#but at least I can eat carefully again#that’s progress#I have just. arrived at the moody part#ndndndndn
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"Kevin isn't that bad it's not like he beats her, why does she need to kill him or fake her death, just get divorced" you are the point of the show, you are missing the crucial reveal. Allison sees Kevin in every single scene as she does their last scene together, but we as the audience aren't privy to that and we only see sitcom Kevin which is Kevin's self perception. He is not suddenly becoming scary and threatening to her. He was like that the whole time. We only see Allison's feelings about Kevin and the aftermath of her interactions with Kevin -- this is the ONLY time we see Kevin from her POV except for the brief initial breaking of the sitcom cam. Every other time we see Kevin on screen it's from Kevin's POV. Even after she cuts her hand we only see the bandage in her singular pov when she is away from kevin, but when it shifts back to sitcom Kevin it's gone.... We do not see the reality of her interactions with Kevin, that's the point of the show!!! Because when Kevin is on screen, it's Kevin's world! We only see Kevin from anyone else's lens in ONE scene at the end, which is when Allison decides to leave, so yes the sitcom cam "softens his abuse" but it also just fully acts as an unreliable narration because we never literally see Kevin from anyone else's POV until the series finale so every time Kevin is on screen it isn't even an accurate portrayal of what's happening, it's Kevin's perception of what's happening. Allison has viewed him like that the entire show, we as the audience just did not get to witness that POV until the end
#personal#this is exactly how it feels to have someone like that in your life!#everyone is like 'hes not that bad' bc they are in the sitcom cam!!!! you dont see it from the other pov#i like. didn't relate much until the sitcom cam dropped and then suddenly it was like being slapped in the face#bc that is how Allison ALWAYS sees kevin...... we just didn't get to witness it until then. and then that felt extremely relatable#screeching....#ik im years late bc i only now just watched but honestly???? masterpiece of television holy shit#kevin can fuck himself#kevin can f**k himself#Allison is not just 'trapped in a marriage she hates' we are just not privy to her terror bc we dont see kevin from her pov at all#we only see kevin from kevins pov#we see her talking about kevin a lot but we dont actually get to see how trapped and scared she feels until that last moment#hhhh
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Seeing Lestat again in Season 2 really reminded me how much Armand broke him. No one has been able to make Lestat cry the way Armand makes Lestat cry. And that's saying something cause his abusive parents and Magnus came before Armand, but no one has matched Armand's level of crazy.
And I think it's because the other tortures were...brief?
He ran away from home, the abuse from his parents stopped. Magnus died and that stopped too. Armand, meanwhile, has decided to dedicate the rest of his immortal existence to torturing Lestat. It has become his favourite pass time.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Even the scorned women are learning work from Armand. 💀
Everything about Armand just messes with a person's mind.I t's the way he's not even chasing Lestat around for me. 😭😭😭
He really like "I'm old enough to be your biggest problem by staying in the same spot for 5 centuries." And he was right. 💀😭
I hear the next season is gonna be The Vampire Lestat and oooooh boy. 💀💀 People are about to discover just how terrible Armand can be. Baby's name gonna be dragged in the mud when the secrets get out. Gonna see if he can gaslight his way out of this one.
(Who am I kidding? Bro was torturing Louis and Daniel AND still had us feeling sorry for him. He can gaslight his way out of anything.)
#Major difference between Armand and Lestat is that Lestat knows his behaviour is inappropriate#and can feel bad about it#and apologise.#Meanwhile#Armand does not understand why his behaviour is inappropriate.#He just does not like when people he cares about get upset with him.#That's why most of the fandom treats him like a kid#cause he's still the same kid that Marius picked up#acting the way Marius taught him too#and being all confused as to why his behaviour is suddenly unacceptable#when Marius treated him the exact same way#and he wasn't complaining. 💔#iwtv#amc iwtv#amc interview with the vampire#lesmand#has infected my mind#lestat#armand#armand x lestat#lestat de lioncourt#the vampire armand#interview with the vampire#vampire chronicles#Pondering over the shows and what book readers have said so far#Lestat explored enough to learn of the different ways to love#Armand remains trapped in the 'love' that abusers showed him
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me: im soooooo normal
also me: do you ever think about how the doors to the mystery shack's living room and the lab are literally side by side. one door leading to the place where stan feels so at home that he chooses it to be where he sacrifices his mind. the room he transformed from a cluttered mess of a brother trapped in a horror story to a cozy home where his odd found family constantly gathers to. a home where he lost himself in and then was found again by those he loved.
the other door leading to the worst mistake in his life, to the only thing he believed that was capable of redeeming him, of proving that he could be loved again, his self-imposed prison he entered every night for his sisyphean duty, the place where his hopes were crushed again and again and again, where he was told he was trusted, where he spilled so many of his buried secrets to a betrayed family, the bittersweet feeling when the first time in decades he didn't ever have to return to that place--
#me a month ago: gee i wonder if my energy for this character and show will burnout soon#also stan not revealing how bad his homeless years got during tots still gets to me#stan pines#stanley pines#there must have been an odd feeling when the place he was trapped in everyday was basically suddenly off limits
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Feeling a little better today 🥺
#i might have a possible interview at a place ive always wanted to work at#and im not feeling as trapped today thankfully#i just need to get out of panic mode#and breathe#and remember if im out of work for a couple of days thats okay i can manage it ish#might treat myself to a nice meal deal ngl ive not been eating great the oast few days and suddenly now my appetite is here like DING DING
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I MISS SR1/SR2 I JUST WANNA GO BACK TO STILWATERRR
#suddenly got hit w a pang of. idk. longing. we’re in that late summer/early fall time where#i’m filled w an indescribable loneliness and nostalgia for times gone by. and i think stilwater captures that feeling so well.#perpetually trapped in 2006-2011. graphics staying as they are. characters we don’t see again#feels like home in so many ways. and perhaps fitting that the characters cannot return to the past they knew#‘‘are you having a stroke’’ no i just don’t feel like working.#also just got hit w a pang of wow i can’t believe that’s the direction they went w the later games#also i still need to edit my pinned. this weekend for sure.
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the practice of taking multiple names... i do wish it was a bit more supported in places like the united states. i love my family name, my family means the world to me,
but there's also the last name of berri that i'd love to take. it was the second name that stuck with me after "mira", and i've nicknamed myself "miraberri" in a lot of things over the past year i've had it...
...i suppose the other trouble is that i've already changed my legal name once, and so now i'd have to pay for it to be changed again... ahh, the wonders of capitalism and rigid social systems.
wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a society that embraced Change?
that freely allowed, even encouraged changing oneself? embracing the fact that everything will change eventually, and must do so for things to not become stagnant?
that some things might not be right as they are, despite the state of things being comfortable for many people? that the status quo, or our time-honored traditions, aren't infallible, perfect concepts?
i guess the idea is too much for some people to understand.
maybe some day, that'll change, too.
#i've held that belief for as long as i can remember really holding beliefs about society...#it's really funny finding someone i can identify with so well- in both name and ideals- in media i wasn't expecting to#faith's the one thing i still haven't necessarily narrowed down fully in myself. like i know i'm not christian- but i'm not atheist either.#i've had an idea of what afterlife i hope for... but that doesn't really mean much if i never get to see it until the end- now does it?#i suppose if there's one thing i can believe in... it's the ability for things to change- for life to take its own path...#even if it feels like a frustrating endless cycle sometimes...#some day... something will change. it always will. and suddenly you won't feel so trapped anymore.#because if everything's a cycle... your sadness had a start to it- it'll have an end to it as well! it'll come back around!#and everyone... everyone has the power to change things for the better! for themselves- and for the world!#so... if i had to choose one god to believe in... i think it'd have to be a god of change.#so i guess... thanks in stars and time. for helping me reach a decision about faith.#if you read my little tag ramble... thank you as well.
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my experience with maxing out the twins' friendship is just-
Hawke: So, Carver, my dear baby brother who I love and adore, I only need +10 more points to max out your friendship. I've done the grind; through gritted teeth I've kissed templar ass so that we don't raise suspicion. I've supported and defended you and let you take the lead whenever I could. You're my favorite warrior. I took you to the Deep Roads with me because you desperately wanted to go and then made you a warden and you found a place, a purpose. I've practically written my own guide on how to earn as much friendship with you because I love you and it's totally worth it so can I please please have the last +10...? Carver: Hawke: Carver please I'm begging you Carver: Carver: +5 Friendship Hawke: AAUUGGGHHLKSAJDLKAJSDLK-
Hawke: So, Bethany, my dear sis- Bethany: +50 Friendship Hawke: Bethany: :)
#dragon age#dragon age 2#da2#bethany hawke#carver hawke#i love them both they're my favorites#but oh my god the grind of maxing out carver's friendship because it's absolutely worth it and then playing another run with bethany#where i blinked and suddenly her friendship was maxed out was a wild experience sksksk#and it's interesting to think about how carver is 'difficult' when it comes to getting friendship whereas bethany already starts with +50#so it's easier to max her out just by being kind to her and doing her quests early#but after act 1 carver becomes so much softer when your friendship is high with him BUT bethany? i'm leaning more toward making her a warde#and i know she's going to be so resentful of me for it despite having maxed friendship like that's so fascinating??#how the twins start off on such opposite ends with different attitudes toward hawke?? and how after act 1 they switch??#well for the warden routes anyway... i refuse to let carver join the templars and i really REALLY don't want bethany to go to the circle#she won't be happier there no one can convince me she's happier as a circle mage... 'accepting your place' isn't the same as being happy#carver can find a place he's content with whereas bethany is screwed over either way since her magic isn't something she can just let go of#like yes both twins are bitter that they didn't survive the deep roads but carver's always worn his bitterness on his sleeve#whereas bethany felt she had to hide hers because she felt she had to be grateful for the sacrifices her family made for her#and now they are both trapped and free at the same time... carver just happens to thrive but bethany feels she traded one cage for another#ugh the hawke twins THE HAWKE TWINS Y'ALL#I just want them to be happy and loved and alive... why is that too much to ask for??
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God I need friends…
#personal shit#vent in tags#heart-break blues#been wanting to message my ableist ex all day#it has suddenly turned into wanting to message the woman from cohost who kept threatening suicide whenever she’d talk to me#she’d find other people to talk to when she was okay#she’d suddenly reach out again and it was always to say goodbye#i had to stop adding her back when she unfriended me because I can’t keep doing that#she said she had a huge crush on me but like how do you treat someone like this if you like them that much#and even if it hadn’t been such a mess she lives on another continent and i need people to hang out with in person#not to mention i feel terrible for feeling like my partner isn’t enough but I’ve literally been dumped for being so dependent on my partner#while lonely because of my disability keeping me trapped at home before soooooooooo#luckily i don’t feel too guilty. i think. i am obsessing enough to post but im not in tears#just another thing to add to the pile of reasons I might have ocd
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crazy how my depression lifts when I escape my toxic work team via promotion, take a day off, go kayaking, have friend time, go to a music festival, and start knitting again
#currently#I deal with like. significant fear/anxiety re: driving#but when I take a breather from the rest of my life driving is suddenly a lot less scary#I have been feeling soooooo trapped at work so getting promoted to another team that is super supportive has been SUCH a relief#anyway all those ppl were right…need exercise to feel human
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been learning to play ironsworn (gritty fantasy ttrpg which you can play with a gm but is mostly suited for solo or small group co-op gmless play) after having the rulebook pdf for several years (stars finally aligned to remove invisible thing blocking me from reading it idk) because i'm on another solo ttrpg kick & i don't know what took me so long to get around to this game because it genuinely is exactly what i was looking for. years ago when i was playing through solo 5e modules i should have just been playing ironsworn (believe it or not, 5e isn't very suited to solo play and is extremely clunky when you try lol).
also though i have dabbled in some other solo ttrpgs, a considerable amount of them are journaling games which is fun but imo considerably more work (usually by the time i'm a quarter of the way through the journal entry, i know how to entire scene played out and i want to move on to the next gameplay thing, so i get frustrated and bored quickly. it feels like when you solve a level in a video game but don't have the coordination to pull off the necessary move so you have to spend 20 extra minutes doing something you already figured out), so i really appreciate like not needing to write something for the game to progress (ive been taking notes for my own record since im playing solo and thus am not really out loud roleplaying the way you do in a group, but i definitely could do that instead and not take notes and the game would still function perfectly)
& ive been playing by myself but also in the past ive played a lot of ttrpgs in very small groups which has been other games but is mostly dnd and like. we also should have been playing ironsworn so that having a gm was not necessary. have definitely played games where we had to adapt the rules soooo much to do something that is just base game included in ironsworn. plus it's rules-light enough to do pretty complex moves that pose difficulties in bulkier games (ever introduced someone to dnd and they tell you they want to do a sick backflip and catch something and then attack and you have to tell them that will require several different consecutive rolls and some creative liberties with how the rules are 'supposed' to let you move? you can just Do That in ironsworn. use the strike move and describe it. done!)
the one thing is that although it's rules-light enough to theoretically play any setting or genre (some with more difficulty than others), ive found so far that like... the grittiness and sense of threat is very built into the mechanics so that would be sort of difficult to work around or change (but i think it's great from a game design perspective). what i mean is like, okay: you start with 5 max hp. there isn't really a way to raise this max hp, you just slowly gain abilities (assets) that make you less likely to have to lose the hp in the first place, or that make it easier to recover. when you encounter foes, you rank them on a scale of 1 -5, and enemies on the lowest side of this scale do one harm to you, while enemies on the highest side do five harm to you. so even though encountering an epic enemy won't always be deadly due to the assets you have, they are ALWAYS capable of taking you down to 0 hp with one good hit. so the feeling of threat is much more present compared to games where your character starts to be able to just tank and push through a failure or huge threat.
admittedly also i'm playing solo, im still learning how to balance combat, and also i built a character who has NO combat talents and iron (the close quarters fighting stat) is one of my lowest stats so i personally am under much more threat than if you built a character who knew how to fight or who could do deadly harm. but also the other thing about combat is it's extremely difficult to maintain control of the fight; you have to score a strong hit to do it on basically all moves, and there's a really limited pool of moves available when you don't have the initiative, and obviously none of them really favour you. i don't know that this makes combat genuinely more difficult, but it does make you feel like the fight is always about to spiral out of your control. every second you let it drag without decisive action feels like it brings you closer to dying. like i said, this is a feature of the game design and not a problem in any way. just thinking about it because when i was initially learning i was going to try to supplant it into a homebrew fantasy world of my own but the tone just wouldn't be right. and that it is somewhat difficult to replicate the kind of worlds that i typically play or run for dnd, which tend to lean somewhat sillier and definitely much higher fantasy
but i like to try new things and tbh especially in dnd i find that i very rarely feel that sense of threat and when i do feel it, it has nothing at all to do with the actual mechanics and reality of the combat and everything to do with how well the dm sells it to me and makes it sound and feel scary and dangerous. which is a testament to what a good gm can do for you but i do appreciate the threat feeling more built-in and also being actually real.
#good idea generator#kas plays ironsworn#am giving it a tag because i will continue to talk about this. its my blog#idk i just find in dnd like. players often FEEL threatened WAY before they actually are threatened#which makes it really hard to balance combat because players treat evenly matched fights like hopeless death traps#so instead they do underleveled combat that feels boring for some hard to pin down reason#but like. the reason is even though you're nervous about the dm's description and the things the monsters can do#there is no real threat. especially in bigger parties where the players DOMINATE action economy. they are always in control#so of course it gets boring. it drags out so everyone can take their turn but it never forces you to make difficult choices#or to totally exhaust all your abilities. after awhile the combats start to feel same-y#because even if the monster is different. you never have to do anything different to defeat it#ofc this is a subjective assessment and also if youre reading this and we play dnd together this is not a gripe abt our table i love u#i think it's really easy to get trapped doing this esp in tables which like rp more than combat#because its also like. once you're used to a certain balance of combat if your dm suddenly threw you a big one#you assume that this is a uniquely large threat in the narrative as well (rather than a rebalancing attempt)#and treat it accordingly. which is to say with way too much caution because it isnt actually that big of a threat#so then as a dm when you have to maintain the feeling of threat and the mechanical threat#(especially when sometimes the mechanical line between 'cakewalk' and 'tpk' is razor thin#and is more about the initiative order and luck than anything else)#you start to prioritize the feeling of threat. which is imo the right call always#but its just after awhile when you feel the threat but nothing ever happens to anybody. the dissonance starts to affect the table#also balancing dnd combat as a dm is really hard and often requires a LOT of on the fly adaptation#because sometimes the CR is useless and you don't know how it's gonna do until the dice are on the table already#anyway. my point is that im enjoying how ironsworn handles this problem
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told my mom to not talk about family politics and get more stressed out and suddenly my cousin thinks i dont want her here because im not letting them talk
#i mean. i dont want you here but what i dont want more is for my mom to be stressed#you all already make her feel beneath everyone else even though she's not i dont want you to stress her out even more#vent#'my sister was married at 19 to our cousin who is in Australia thats the best proposal any girl can get :D'#no it isnt. her parents in law (my aunt and uncle) dont allow her to go to anyone's house. not even ours (my mom is my aunts sister)#and shut your trap not everyone's goal in life is to be married to an overweight bear who's 10 years older than u and hairier than a carpet#i say anything about my uni and suddenly im showing off and making her feel beneath me eventho YOU asked me if the academics are hard or no#my mom says my uni is in the top 20 of QS world uni rankings 2025 and suddenly she's making her feel beneath me even tho my mom was just-#-trying to humble brag while you were also 'humble' bragging about your sister doing software engineering and how she's the first in the-#-family to do it#wtf is going on here take me out#plz just take me out#zuri rambles#how can people be so insecure and for no reason#sometimes i dont even say anything and the way im dressed is to show off where i am for uni. like?????? im wearing traditional clothes wtf
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i think it’s interesting that when kuukou and ichiro collaborate with their music, both in nb and bbbat, the sound comes out closer to a bb sound, leaning heavily on old school hiphop vibes. similarly when samatoki and sasara collide, their music is in the jazz genres which is a dh sound
makes me wonder if it’s a reflection of their dynamics, eg kuukou following ichiro’s lead in their nb days/samatoki going along with a lot of sasara’s whims or maybe a dynamic to come 🤔
#vee queued to fill the void#oh lmao this pic!!!!! this might have been the first time we saw sasara and kuukou coloured lol#like i suddenly had a flashback to people celebrating that sasara was green(ish lol) like they imagined#and that kuukou was red as expected lol#was it this one in specific???? i might have to look into that later lol#but anyway with kp/fpmtr it’s definitely in the realm of pop so the same could be said for jakurai and ramuda maybe#but like lol. outside of that one trap song idk what is mtr’s sound outside of maaaaybe lofi beats for depression/vibing lmao#we need more urban grunge for mtr lol tomoshibi remixed to that sound was far too powerful lol#tbh the point of this post is actually me screaming crying throwing up bc of we go with the flow LOL#who………. who gave them the right lol????? to have a song that banging bro??????? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#like i wouldn’t have listened to it for a long while but will still just start singing to myself#BUSTER BROS AND BAD ASS TEMPLE DARE NI MO GENSOKU SURU TEMPO#and feel diseased lol
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hi I am still not normal about how we never get much of an epilogue for Emily and Corvo in the second game we are told how the rule turned out and that Emily is the beloved empress now but nothing beyond that and I get that the entire game is very much built on that I get that the first game we have close relationship with Emily and become fond of the staff that work with the Loyalists so we feel alone because we do not quite see eye to eye with our allies and all we have left is this little innocent child that sees Corvo as someone who can do no wrong in this world which is strongly contrasted with the second game where Emily (or Corvo) has few trusted allies that they can actually rely on and it feels like a group of almost-friends working to dismantle the conspiracy but at the very end of it all Emily is all alone, even her return to the Tower is so much more grim, her taking down Delilah, the entirety of Dunwall- it all feels so incredibly and thoroughly isolating, she is all Alone now, and maybe that's why it bothers me so much to see the story end so abrupty.
it would've been so, so poetic if both the first and the second game ended with Corvo and Emily embracing
#li.txt#dh#sorry Im not okay about this I just#ahhh idk I cant quite explain it#but playing as Emily feels so much more lonely than corvo in the first game#she talks about saving corvo so much and we dont even get a hug#one thing that keeps coming to mind is silent hill 3 where heather goes through So So Much after her father is murdered#and when the final boss is beat she drops to her knees and breaks down#and I think Emily deserves a similar epilogue#the final release of all the stress and fear and anger#her freeing corvo and suddenly it clicks delilah is gone and her witches are gone and all the sigils drawn over the tower begin to fade#and it all hits her at once and she finally gets to cry it all out#because shes okay and meagan is okay and sokolov is okay and her father is okay and karnaca is okay#except they are not. because they all nearly died so many times and her father was trapped in stone and she had to see so much#she had to fight and survive all while unsure if it will lead to anything#all while she was worried for the people she loves because if she fails it means the few people she still has left will be gone too#she had to watch her mother die a second time and then hear the voice of her vengeful aunt for weeks taunting and mocking#(and she was her only family at the time and they could have been a family too. but that is too much to consider now)#i dunno. i just think she deserved a bit more there. just that one last hug from corvo before the game ends
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I feel with all of Shauna's..questionable decisions/ shitty actions, people forget that teen shauna can actually be..pretty kind/empathetic? Obv not the most out of the yellowjackets but she still has plenty of compassion, theres the stuff with Jackie you mentioned, but she was also by far the kindest to Javi, going up to the attic for Tai, she has a tendency to jump into action whenever someone's hurt/freaking out (Van, Mari , Lottie at seance), etc..some people will act like shes evil lol (sorry I'm pretty defensive of teen shauna😅)
OKAY THANK YOU 😭😭😭 i am also really defensive of teen shauna and i think her good side gets overlooked a lot because it's generally more interesting and plot-relevant to talk about is how fucked up she is and how much she sucks...and im not saying its not true!! but at the same time, yeah, i think it's easy to forget that she really can be sweet and kind and empathetic and like, just an actual decent person. going up to the attic with tai is a great example, and the seance too like you mentioned, i always think of how she's one of the first to try to comfort lottie and try to like, get her through the moment, because yes she is very good in a crisis. and i loved getting to see shauna take javi under her wing. its funny cause i saw a post about how shauna is nurturingcoded but not actually nurturing and i DO AGREE at least in regards to adult shauna but teen shauna was really sweet with javi, very big-sisterly, and i also think that instinct to jump in during a crisis and try to take care of people is pretty nurturing of her.
i dont have like a big unifying statement or psychoanalytic theory about why shauna is both compassionate and cruel but you know what, maybe it's a simple answer: she's complicated and contradictory, like most human people (and teenage girls) are! and it just so happens that the things about her that are fucked up are like, super fucked up. but thank you for mentioning her genuine good traits because i think they are underappreciated and its nice to remember that they do exist.
#sorry im going to say something that genuinely might be controversal but im hiding it in the tags#i think theres an impulse (on tumblr at least) to not fall into the trap of 'jackie is the mean girl and shauna is the victim/sidekick'#and it is CORRECT to avoid that because its simply not true!#but i also feel like it swings a little too far in the other direction sometimes#and suddenly jackie has never done anything wrong ever and shauna is the evil traitor who murdered her in cold blood#and obviously theres some truth to that but i just think sometimes ppl make them BOTH too one dimensional#they reduce jackie to only her good traits and shauna to only her bad traits#and on a show about complex and morally grey women why would we want to do that?#anyway. sorry. soapbox moment lol ill save the rest of my thoughts for an actual post sometime#yellowjackets#yj asks
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Shirley and Britta's friendship in season one was actually great and no one talks about it. Then in season two they randomly decide being Christian is her only identity and she slut shames Britta twice an episode
#i mean it makes sense that shed do that to an extent#shirley gets baby trapped by her evil dirtbag ex husband and suddenly feels resentment over brittas sexuality#her arc is actually sooo fucking sad like anyone can see how much happier shirley is in season one vs 2#but i digress#community#shirley bennet#britta perry
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