#summer's gone already?
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Just realized that I prefer the idea of having a pumpkin spice latte to actually having a pumpkin spice latte.
#yes it's that cold rn#summer's gone already?#pumpkin spice latte#fantasy self#my fantasy self is way more committed to coffee than I am#oversharing#life right now#fall love in august
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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i have no clue what's going on w/ the hiring process for the job offer i got yesterday, but at least it seems like nobody at the post office does either. 🙃
#ctxt#charlie vs mail#got a call from some guy at the regional sorting facility like 'uuh yeah just drop in to your PO whenever for fingerprinting'#so i show up in shorts & a t-shirt as a stop along a multi-errand trip bc my impression was that this is just a part of the background check#woman doing my prints was like 'idk if anyone's here to speak with you today but we can check'#me still thinkin it's just a casual meet/greet 'oh no worries haha! btw i got the job offer before having even 1 interview is that normal?'#she doesn't know but leads me around until we find someone buried under a stack of paperwork at her desk#'hi [redacted!] charlie is here for their interview!'#redacted peers over his monitor like a deer in headlights 'who is here for their what now??? oh uuuhh gimme a minute uuuhhhhh'#i'm sweatinnnmng like i'm wearing my birks i am massively underprepared but ok i guess we're doing this & they already offered me the job so#redacted also seemed to be panicking a lil bc the person who usually does these interviews isn't even in today#we had a moment of 'so we're both utterly blindsided here right?' 'yeah can we reschedule?' 'yes god please let's reschedule'#so i'm going back thursday for an actual interview. after already completing background check & filling out tax paperwork#get home to an email from the dude who called me this morning like 'btw dress business casual for your fingerprinting & bring XYZ'#but still stating nowhere that the implication was that fingerprinting & interview would happen concurrently????#this is a federal institution & the second largest employer in the US. get ur shit together !!!#hoping it's not gonna be a black mark that i showed up in my casual summer clothes without the necessary docs#but tbf to me the expectations were hella unclear like i wasn't even given a point of contact for an onboarding supervisor until today#since they were also drastically underprepared i hope it'll just be water under the bridge & we can properly meet thursday#hands down weirdest hiring/onboarding process i've ever gone through but fuck it we ball
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blocked nose itchy nose sore throat i should just die actually
#IM SO PISSED OFF#ive been back for an hour (as if i was ever actually gone it was literally a day)#and im already back on my shit im sorur#but im SOOOOO MAD#LIKE WHAT THE FUCK#WHY.#ITS MAY. ITS ALMOST SUMMER. IVE LEFT THE HOUSE EXACTLY THREE TIMES THIS WEEK. AND IT WAS FOR LIKE AN HOUR TOTAL???#HWAT THE FUCK#HOW AM I SICCCKKKKKKKK#HOW AM I UNWELLLL NOBODY ELSE IS UNWELL#im gojng to COMMIT A CRIME.#blah blah!#not 75 stuff#venus being a hater
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Omg I love your works, pls don't die
IM STILL KICKIN....
#i was only gone 2 months but i feel like its been way longer#how are the kids everyone...#summers almost over already wow#WAIT ACTUALLY how was everyones p5 pulls 😳😳#2 months ago i said i wld start writing soon then i fell off the face of the earth so i wont make that promise again HELP#BUT ILL TRY..!!
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I have rarely felt as much visceral hatred as for the people that bought the house I grew up in
#Our garden was like a little forest clearing#surrounded by a bunch of trees and plants and out back was a little river#and those BASTARDS#Those SHITSTAINS IN HUMAN FORM#tore down our trees#Im on google maps. Every tree on that property is gone.#our fucking magnolia is gone.#the grass is yellow. The grass was never yellow. not in the hottest summers#I hate you I hate you I hate you#og#They also knocked out essentially all walls in the house so now it’s ✨open concept✨ like it ALREADY WAS BEFORE
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Cake being Cake @ Take My Hand Gold Coast
#nice to know they've found elsewhere in the set to flirt now that Talk Fast is gone 😅😅😅#5sos#5 seconds of summer#luke hemmings#calum hood#cake#luke#calum#take my hand tour#tmht gold coast#kh4f post#just kiss already#2023 is the year I write Cake fic y'all#I've been talking about it to Cass all year#it's gonna happen#look how absolutely fucking delighted Cal looks#i have never been that happy to see someone in my entire life#amazing#and I've made it all the way thru my tags without talking about how impossibly tight Luke's pants are ok byeee 🏃🏻♀️
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Failed a social interaction 0 injured 1 killed (me)
#Today has been so long 😭😭😭 I've been out the whole day studying and when I came back I spent more than one hour to cook my probably gone–#bad chicken (and rice and spinach) and then I couldn't even eat it because it was my turn to clean the kitchen at the dorm (which is the–#third following day I'm doing) (worth mentioning I'm running on 5 hours of sleep)#And I was goofing around with my friends but while doing so I. made fun of the landlord. And then one friend told me “hey girl he's right–#outside” and like 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I hope I die painfully. I need to be back next year and he already makes my life hard enough and hhhhhhhhhhh#I wasn't even like. Serious. It was just to joke around with my friends I don't have anything against him (except for the things I do)#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#And now I feel so embarrassed I have no appetite at all + the chicken (which I had to bring home through one hour walk in summer which–#probably wasn't good for it. And then froze one day past the expiration day) (I really need to get better eating habits) I had been–#preparing despite taking one hour to cook it I got the firing wrong and now it's all hard and honestly not very good and like 😭😭😭#Look at what you did to the (frankly already diseased) chicken#I feel so betrayed by everything 😭😭😭 Can life get a little easier#I'm mostly kidding I'm doing okay. I just need to rant because I CAN'T GET OVER THE LANDLORD THING MAN HOW DO I FORGET ABOUT IT.#This kind of things always haunts me for at least three days so 😭😭😭#I'm dead tired but I really wanted to answer asks today so. Probably doing so between today and tomorrow#Rant over sending lots of l love 💞💞#random rambles#In my defense it's not my fault I'm too poor to throw the chicken away 😪😪 I haven't eaten since forever#It's also not my fault I can't afford a new non sticking pan so I have to stick (ah) to the probably toxic one#It is very much my fault for messing up the chicken cooking temperature tho lol
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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my tattoo is finally almost healed!!
#still a little itchy but!! Smooth#and the stickiness from the second skin is gone finally#i already want to book another one#but i should probably hold off for the summer#bottom.spm
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Can you believe in five days I get to experience being an army with Kim Seokjin?!
#emily talks#i became an army in summer 2023#and like jin and hobi were already gone#i was never an army with them#ITS GONNA BE LIKE MEETING JIN FOR THE FIRST TIME#AND IM EXCITED
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lucifer stimboard!
I've been meaning to do somethin hazbin hotel related since I finished the show so i decided to make a stimboard of my fav character Lucifer! also i definitely plan on doing the other characters!
(I tried to keep the board spoiler free)
#hazbin hotel#hazbin lucifer#hazbin hotel lucifer#lucifer morningstar#rubber duck#lucifer is such a theater kid#i love this man sm#Im already hyperfixated on this freaking show#btw sorry for being gone for awhile#I was busy with school and very depressed#Ill upload more during summer <3
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to me kyle was a junior year art school drop out bc i think this puts him at the sweet spot of a) dropping out at a young enough age that i think it gives him the time to establish his career to what i think it'd be around the age i headcanon him to be when getting the ring (26ish) and b) gives him basing off my own experience (so i cannot speak remotely at all to the universality of anything. purely my own personal art school experience alone) if he was taking 5 classes a semester he'd have about 20 classes under his belt minimum and if he dropped out after the first semester he'd have about 25 classes which gives him quite a broad range of classes he could engage with just like on studio classes alone not counting any art history/lib art etc type courses he'd be taking to set him up with the wide range of skills and mediums and styles he's shown to dabble in. always thinking about art student kyle forever. because of my biases. as an art student
#also part of my projection bc guys i cant tell you how bad during last semester my second semester of junior year i wanted to quit so bad.#my summer experience was pretty much were i not entering senior year and i didnt have this stupid expensive tuition bc out of state private#college like i would have dropped out already. i dont know if i ever actually mean that but constantly from sophomore year i have been#haunted by the desire to drop out and wondering what my life could have been had i gone w/ my original plans</3#but i feel better this semester so far even if it's already getting tough... so there is hope! also i like to joke im getting my six figure#kyle is going that he got his degree in friendship and girlfriend. and getting high every other weekend. < my personal belief.#static.soundz
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Okay, see, the thing about your story ending on a negative/dystopian/'despite everything that's happened nothing has changed in society' note and doing so successfully? It needs to have been set up for that in the first place, and it needs to be done in an intentional manner.
I have nothing against works that reinforce how cruel/meaningless/pointless/etc. the world is -- I enjoy a fair few! -- but the works themselves need to be some sort of commentary about it; the plot might be demonstrative of the futility of everything, but the story never should. It should take that and build on it and use it to make a statement, underscore a point, etc. to its readers. Having everything carry on business-as-usual without acknowledging it, especially in a genre that's generally meant to conclude on optimistic, uplifting, and hopeful notes, comes off as callous and in direct opposition with the values it extols.
Plus, the story itself should never be futile because, then, well, it never mattered as a work and it makes no difference if you've read it or not. Which... that's just a badly written story lmao.
#i can't believe i'm posting about this topic again on our dear hellsite tungle.com lmao#huge deja vu vibes what year is it????#2018/2019??#(i think that's when the shock value/genre hopping/genre inconsistency hit its peak across multiple series)#i don't even go here anymore omfg#man. i didn't think i'd get this upset#that's what i get for going to look#i should know better by now. really. there's no excuse.#y'all my curiosity one day will kill me.#but like. i'm not upset as in 'i'm so angry i will fight everything'#that was past me#we've blown right past that and gone straight to the 'vaguely ill and sick to my stomach' stage#character development XDD#but like sorry not sorry explain away all you want about *gestures to all the other stuff*#but how the fuck do you explain having the visual emotional and narrative focal point of that family in its concluding panels#be the person who caused this shit???? why is he the one getting closure????#pretty sure i don't have the entire context surrounding my other lad who got pulvarized#(i saw a few comments about something something of//a would help with the end of the world that's coming and instead was used to murder him#that i don't quite grasp because i literally just skimmed the most recent chapters out of curiosity due to things i saw on my dash)#BUT i am making the executive decision to stop here#this rabbit hole's deep enough and i've gone wayyy further than i should have already#gonna cook some dinner; pick up sis from work; and enjoy my summer evening on my balcony#GAH#withoutwords
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okay my eyes are still really swollen and my nose still hurts and my head still hurts and I'm so over it. it's been what, 9 hours?? I'm not enjoying this.
#all this just because I used some paint??#my eyes feel like immediately after you've been crying for 2 hours#not nice#and if I want to try again I'll have to accept that this will happen again and. that's kind of unpleasant. don't want that.#buuut. I only used them for a short while but it was already so much fun 😭 couldn't focus on it that well because everything hurt but it#was fun!#maybe if I wear a mask? don't know if that'd make a difference for my skin but I guess it won't hurt to try#sucks that it's winter and I can't open the window completely#maybe that's the problem#but if I can only use them outside or in summer it's pretty much pointless anyway#ugh.#overthinking this as usual but I wanna use these damn paints so bad!!#I've found a different brand that I can try. I don't know if they use a different oil or whatever but at least these ones aren't of unknown#age so I can rule out that it's just that they've. idk gone bad or something#personal
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