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themurphyzone · 3 years ago

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BatB AU Ch 13: A Mystery in the Castle

AN: After two emotional chapters in a row, I thought it would be nice to have some levity here.

Ao3 Link

Ch 13: A Mystery in the Castle

Wakko and Dot were still asleep, despite the early morning rays peeking through the kitchen curtains. It was supposed to be Wakko's turn on the top shelf, but at some point during the night, he'd migrated down to Yakko and Dot's shelf.

Yakko didn't have a problem with this. Wakko and Dot were always bouncing off the walls when they were awake, and it was hard to keep track of them. Yakko breathed much easier when they were in the same place.

It was up to him to protect them, now that their parents were gone.

But sometimes, even he needed a break. Just a quick romp around the castle and he would be back before they woke up.

He left the cupboard as quietly as he could, hopping down onto the pillows he always kept below their sleeping area for a comfortable landing.

It was easier to leave since he didn't have to pry Wakko off without waking him. He was easily the biggest cuddler between the three of them.

The dining room next to the kitchen was filled with servants laying out a tablespread full of pastries, cheese, oatmeal, and various fruits. There was so much food that it seemed they were trying to feed ten instead of two. Wakko would've salivated an entire ocean if he'd seen this.

"Morning, everyone!" Yakko said as he climbed onto the table with some assistance from a coat rack. The utensils, dishes, and cups barely acknowledged his greeting, too busy arranging themselves into a not-so-subtle heart pattern for breakfast. Yakko cleared his throat. "Let's try that again. Good morning, everyone!"

This time, the silverware set returned the good morning with stiff waves of their handles and little hops of their own.

"Much better," Yakko declared, hopping around the table and surveying the arrangement. A rose patterned teapot nudged one of his wax candles, its lid clinking several times and revealing a rich liquid inside which would've probably smelled heavenly to anyone who actually had a sense of smell. The teapot was cold to the touch, so Yakko willed a small flame to life and heated up the liquid until a thin, steamy vapor arose. Then the candlesticks came forward, and Yakko touched each of their wicks to share his fire.

He helped the candlesticks move into strategic places around the table. Red was the color of passion and love, so naturally the red candlestick had the important duty of table centerpiece, right between the two lovebirds.

The purple was the next closest, and the blue served as an accent color on the outside.

Next Yakko measured the angle of the heart's pointed end. Neither a wide or skinny angle would do. It had to be just right.

"Francois, scooch four degrees to your left," Yakko said, pushing the creamer into place. "Give me your best cute on that acute angle, folks!"

It took several minutes of trial and error, but Yakko finally found a heart-shaped configuration that struck the right balance of cute and refined. Too cute, and the entire table would resemble one of Mindy's tea parties. Too refined, and a casual breakfast would become uncomfortable for both mouse and beast.

Though they’d made leaps and strides in their budding romance since the wolf attack, they weren’t quite to the point of a formal dinner yet.

A little shove in that direction couldn’t hurt though. They were both denser than a sack of rocks at times.

Soon after Yakko helped the servants into position, the doors burst open. The plates and candlesticks jumped in surprise as the Beast stomped into the dining room. Though Yakko was unfazed by the doors slamming against the wall, he was equally surprised to see the Beast at the break of dawn.

He wasn’t exactly known for being a morning type, and waking him for any reason other than a sudden siege upon the castle usually resulted in a furious reprimand. But since Pinky’s arrival, the angry tirades had given way to half-asleep grumbling, alongside additional orders to not tell anyone about his self-appointed duty as Pinky’s fluffy pillow.

Naturally, the entire castle let the Beast believe his nightly flings with Pinky in the library were a total secret from all but a select few.

“Morning, boss!” Yakko said cheerfully as the Beast climbed onto the table and let out an enormous yawn. Honestly, the least he could do was cover his mouth. “What do you think of the spread? Arranged it just for you and Pinky!”

But the Beast either didn’t notice or care about the heart shaped arrangement, and he grabbed two breakfast rolls out of a basket, wolfing them down without saying a word.

And he didn’t put butter or apricot jam on them! He just ate them plain! What kind of monster ate breakfast rolls without flavoring them first?

Well, apparently the Beast.

“Ahem,” Yakko coughed as the Beast hopped down from the table and was about to take his leave, acting like nobody else was in the room with him. Yakko quickly hopped over to the doors and blocked the Beast’s exit, the flame on his head lighting up to grab his attention. “I thought Pinky was teaching you some manners.”

“What?” the Beast said. His eyes were slightly glazed over, like he was pondering about something else. Or someone else, for that matter. Yakko realized the Beast was more distracted than anything right now. “Oh. The rolls were fine."

The Beast fell silent, but after a few seconds he hastily tacked on a thanks.

“Fine? That’s all you have to say? Just fine?” Yakko sighed. “You didn’t notice our little breakfast arrangement? The one in a very specific shape that would’ve been very useful to our cause right now? And where the heck is Pinky anyway?"

The Beast stepped back, stunned by Yakko’s outburst. His fur bristled defensively, but he didn’t automatically yell back like he might’ve done in the past. “I don’t have to take every meal with him…” he muttered.

Yakko extinguished his flames with a sigh, figuring that if he wanted to do anything special he’d better inform the Beast first. It was just poor luck that the Beast had unexpectedly dropped by for an early breakfast without Pinky.

Silence reigned for a few seconds, before Yakko spoke up again. “So where’s Pinky? You’ve been following him around like a big scary shadow lately. It’s weird seeing you without him.”

“Sleeping,” the Beast said, sidestepping Yakko as he left the dining room. “Don’t tell him, or anyone else, that you saw me. And inform all the servants back there to keep their mouths shut too.”

Yakko was used to the Beast’s secrecy, but this level was unusual even for him.

“They don’t have mouths to shut, you know!” Yakko shouted, though the Beast ignored him as he disappeared around a corner.

Something was up. The Beast wasn’t good at hiding things, though he always thought otherwise.

“Alright, alright. Have it your way,” Yakko said to the empty hall. “Cross my heart that I won’t tell anyone about this.”

Good thing candelabras didn’t have internal organs to make promises over.

o-o-o-o-o

There was a giant colorful blanket fort in the library. Blankets were stretched over two chairs and held down with books, forming a colorful fabric canopy. Quickly checking himself to make sure his flames were out, Yakko lifted a fold and hopped inside.

A generous amount of pillows lined the walls. They must’ve stolen the pillows from the parlor areas, since the library didn’t have nearly this many. Yakko was surprised they managed to cram all these pillows in such a small space.

Pinky was curled up in the back, a blissful smile on his face as he giggled in his sleep. “I wanna pet the marshmallow bunny…” he mumbled, nestling deeper into his fuzzy blanket. “...okay, I’ll meet you in the candy cane forest at seven.”

He was having a literal sweet dream.

There was a bundle of pillows and blankets surrounding Pinky, carefully arranged for maximum comfort.

It was almost like a certain someone was trying to ensure Pinky stayed asleep for as long as possible.

Yakko could've let Pinky sleep, or at least distract him so the Beast could do whatever he needed to do. But his curiosity became too much to ignore. He had to know what the Beast was up to.

"Psst. Wake up, Pinky," Yakko said, shaking Pinky's shoulder.

Pinky's brows knit together, and he let out another giggle. "Of course we can ride the gummy worms…"

This wasn't working.

He'd need a more drastic approach.

Taking a deep breath, Yakko hollered at the top of his non-existent lungs.

"WAKE UP!"

Pinky leapt several feet in the air, fur puffed out like a frightened cat.

"It wasn't me! You'll never prove I ate the witch's gingerbread house!" he screamed, holding his hands out defensively.

"Whoa, easy there!" Yakko said. "I'm not here to arrest you for eating a house!"

Pinky relaxed, wiping his brow in relief. "Oh. That's good. I just couldn't resist. It was so ginger-y and bread-y…"

His stomach growled.

"Well, since you're up, you might as well change and grab something to eat," Yakko suggested. "You're definitely hungry if that sweet dream of yours is anything to go by."

"It was a very sweet dream, Yakko. In more ways than one," Pinky hummed as he twirled over to a sky blue dress that had been laid over the arm of the couch. He threw off his nightgown and put on the new dress, then combed his fur with a small, mouse-sized brush.

Pinky fussed over the messy tuft of fur on his head, but eventually had to give up on taming it. Then he added a matching blue bow to his tail.

"You think Beast will notice?" Pinky asked as he gave his tail an experimental wave, a silly grin on his face.

It was just a bow. Yakko didn't see what the fuss was about, and he doubted the Beast would either.

"It's fine," Yakko shrugged.

Pinky ran back to the blanket fort. "Hold on a sec, Yakko. I have to tell Beast-"

He peered into the fort, then glanced at Yakko in confusion.

"Have you seen Beast anywhere, Yakko?" Pinky asked. "He's not here. Actually, that explains why I was able to get up so easily. Poit."

"Huh. And here I thought you were an early bird," Yakko teased.

Pinky blinked. "But I'm a mouse. And I don't mind mornings. Beast though, he gets all grumpy if I start moving around too much and wake him up. Sometimes he'll even try to keep me in place. It's cute, actually."

Yakko had never heard anyone describe the Beast as cute before, but hey, it was a step in the right direction.

“Well, I ran into the boss earlier. Said he had things to do and wouldn’t say what they were,” Yakko said. “He already grabbed breakfast, if you can call two plain bread rolls that.”

“Zort. Oh, well I’m sure he had his reasons…” Pinky said, his tail drooping.

He wasn’t very good at hiding his disappointment though.

o-o-o-o-o

A shout of his name was all the warning Yakko had before Wakko and Dot tackled him to the ground as he entered the dining room with Pinky.

“Yakko, you’ll never believe what happened!”

“It was weird! I’ve never seen him this early before!”

“Made everyone except Flavio wait outside-”

“Kept talking about soup and salad and entrees and making me hungry…”

Wakko and Dot’s voices blended together, making it difficult to discern who was speaking, pouncing on him like overly excited puppies.

“Alright, that’s enough! Wakko, you're standing on my candleholder,” Yakko said, asserting his authority as eldest sibling. Wakko stepped back and helped Yakko up. “Slow down this time and start from the beginning, would you?”

Wakko nodded. “Weeeeee were sleeeeeeepinnnnng innnnn-”

“Not that slow, Wakko,” Yakko interrupted.

Dot hopped in place, her base clinking loudly on the tiled floor. “We were sleeping in the cupboard when the boss came into the kitchen and ordered everybody who wasn’t Chef Flavio outside! Not that Flavio could leave since he’s bolted in place, but then they started talking about all that fancy French food I can’t pronounce the names of.”

Maybe the Beast was taking an interest in the culinary arts? Yakko couldn’t imagine him cooking any time soon.

Well, maybe he’d try if Pinky asked.

Honestly, the amount of things the Beast was willing to do if Pinky asked him was ridiculous. Yakko was a hundred percent certain that if Pinky asked for the world, then the Beast would try to give it to him.

“It all sounded so delicious!” Wakko added. “He was definitely pondering stuff when he came out though. He didn’t even yell at us for eavesdropping!”

The Beast must’ve gone into the kitchen after grabbing his meager breakfast. And the purpose wasn’t to grab more food, but to speak with the chef. But why was the Beast being so private if he just wanted to talk to Chef Flavio about food?

“I bet ten livres he went to the kitchen after I ran into him,” Yakko said.

“Ooh, what kind of livers are you betting?” Pinky asked, shimmying down from the table. He licked the butter off his face and polished off the rest of his breakfast sausage. “Pig? Polar bear? Lemur?”

“I’d say seal or elk,” Wakko said.

Dot sighed. “Yakko, put your candle on my face. I need to express annoyance and I don’t have hands to do it with.”

Yakko rested his candle on her rim, satisfying her.

“So you talked to him this morning?” Dot asked, once her annoyance subsided. “Did he tell you anything?”

Yakko shook his head. “Actually, he told me not to tell you. Then he only took two plain breakfast rolls! Didn’t put anything on them! And I’m not supposed to say that I saw him at all. If he asks, you heard nothing from me. I’d ask you to sign non-disclosure agreements, but since none of us can write at the moment, I’ll skip that part.”

Wakko gasped. “Why would you eat plain breakfast rolls?”

“That is pretty weird,” Dot admitted.

Pinky, who’d been oddly quiet for most of the conversation, spoke up. “Did you include strawberry jam in the breakfast spread?” he asked.

Yakko shook his head. “Just butter and apricot jam. Why?”

"Cause Beast prefers strawberry jam to apricot," Pinky said. When he received nothing but blank stares in return, he shrugged defensively. "I asked him at breakfast once. And strawberries are almost always included in our mid-afternoon snacks."

Okay, maybe a favorite food wasn't such a weird thing to know about someone, but it was still strange to know that the super mysterious, stoic Beast had a jam preference of all things.

"I was happy with the butter though," Pinky said, waving to the servants on the table. "Love the heart by the way! You did a great job!"

The servants happily rattled the table at the praise, and Yakko took pride in his hard work getting acknowledged.

"Interesting as the jam talk is," Dot said. "That doesn't tell us what the boss is up to."

"Then it's time to snoop around and find out, starting with Chef Flavio!" Yakko exclaimed, to a chorus of resounding cheers from his siblings.

o-o-o-o-o

Pinky was showing a lot more hesitation than Yakko expected. Though Pinky showed his emotions openly, he would have a wistful smile on his face one minute and anxiously wring his tail the next.

"You okay?" Wakko asked as they entered the kitchen.

Pinky nearly walked into a cabinet, startled by Wakko's question. "Oh, just pondering stuff, that's all! Zort!" Pinky laughed off his clumsiness.

Pinky definitely picked up the whole pondering thing from the Beast. Yakko didn't get it. Why think when you could act?

At least Pinky left the angst out of it.

The kitchen staff was busy clearing off the leftovers from breakfast and washing the dishes. Since the Warners slept in the cabinet by the door, the staff was well-acquainted with them and their antics.

However, Pinky's presence drew a lot of stares and murmurs.

More than the usual amount anyway. It wasn't unusual for servants to stop whatever they were doing and watch Pinky when he passed by.

They were all clamoring for him to fall in love with the Beast and break the curse for good, and whatever it took to push them closer together, they'd do it.

Most of the kitchen staff was gathered around Chef Flavio, who was in Yakko’s humble opinion, the best chef in the entire world. He was well-versed in all types of European cuisine, and even cooked dishes from their native Warnerstock.

Most chefs tended to look down on Warnerstockian cuisine, believing it to be uncultured and barbaric. But they didn’t understand the finesse required to produce a triple stacked sandwich that could stay perfectly balanced, or control the spark from dynamite to give meat that extra kaboom in flavor.

On the other hand, Chef Flavio was always willing to make their favorites, and it was one of the things Yakko looked forward to the most when they could finally eat real food again.

The kitchen staff had gathered around Chef Flavio for a meeting. Surprisingly for a chef, he was very laid-back and not even getting turned into a stove was enough to faze him.

“-yes, we could substitute the traditional fish for a different meat in the bouillabaisse,” Chef Flavio mused. “A wonderful idea, Cosette.”

“Aw, thanks!” Cosette said, and if she weren’t a ladle right now, she would’ve blushed.

She was actually kinda cute for a ladle. Who cared what the Beast was up to? There was a cute girl here! Yakko hopped over to talk to her, intending to open the conversation with ‘hey, did you hear about the candelabra who ran away with the ladle?’, when Dot knocked into his side with her handle.

“Focus, lover boy!” she snapped.

Right. They were just here to talk to Flavio. It was Pinky’s job to be the smitten one.

“Ah, hello, children. Hello, Pinky,” Flavio greeted them with a smile. His metal creaked as he gave them a friendly wave with one of his panels. “We were just in the middle of planning dinner. Any suggestions are welcome. Is there anything you’re craving in particular?”

“A chocolate eclair?” Wakko asked hopefully. Yakko nudged his back, silently reminding him that he couldn’t eat yet, and he deflated. “Oh. Never mind.”

Yakko kept a candle on his brother’s shoulder.

“Maybe something with cheese?” Pinky asked. “It’s so hard to pick, all your food is delicious! Especially the breakfast you made this morning!”

Flavio smiled. “Thank you, Pinky. I’ll be sure to include a cheese-based dish, just for you.”

Dot hopped in place, the way she always did when she wanted everyone’s attention on her. “Alright, let’s cut to the chase,” she said. “Why did the boss order everybody out of the kitchen earlier? What was so important that he couldn’t just talk to you normally?”

“Some conversations are just meant to be private, Dot,” Flavio chuckled. “I’m sure you remember the last time you peeked in my letter to my lovely Marita.”

The Warners awkwardly stared at the floor. Flavio and Marita were constantly exchanging love letters, since Marita was too large and bulky to make the trip to visit the kitchen often. The first and only time they’d gotten curious about the contents of their letters, they came to regret it quickly.

It had been so cheesy and purple prose-y that they tore up the entire library in the hopes of finding some ancient and forbidden grimoire with a memory spell so they could forget it all, but they had no such luck.

Cleaning up the library had been such a pain after that, and the Beast still got on their case for not putting the books back in the right section.

Flavio wasn’t going to tell them anything. Unlike good ol’ Scratchy, he was always unflappable and level headed, so there wasn’t anything the Warners could do to make him spill the beans.

“He came by to request several dishes. Nothing to worry over,” Flavio assured them, with a knowing glance at Pinky. Pinky just tilted his head, confused by the look Flavio gave him. “But while you’re here, can I ask you to deliver a letter to my darling in my stead?”

A pair of tongs handed a blue letter to Pinky, sealed with a heart shaped sticker and carrying a faint scent of saffron. Then a bunch of frying pans unceremoniously shoved them all out the door, shutting it behind them.

Dot just stared at the heavy oak door in shock. “I can’t believe we were booted out! Again!” she shouted in frustration. “A hint would’ve been nice, you know!”

“So now what?” Wakko asked.

“Now we ask around and see if anybody-” Yakko paused when he noticed Pinky walking away distractedly, staring down at the heart sticker on the letter. “Hey, Pinky! Where are you going all of a sudden? The mystery isn’t over yet!”

Pinky stopped at the base of the stairs and turned to Yakko. “What if the letter is the hint? We should see Marita next. It’s worth a shot. And besides, I’m sure Marita’s been waiting for this.”

Though Yakko didn’t see what delivering a letter had to do with the Beast’s mysterious behavior, he figured they might as well drop it off and get back to the hunt for clues.

o-o-o-o-o

The door to Pinky's bedroom was locked and refused to budge. No amount of jiggling, pushing, or pulling was enough to dislodge it.

They heard some giggling on the other side, which quickly turned into hushed, frantic whispers as Pinky knocked on the door.

"Hi Marita!" Pinky exclaimed. "I have a letter from your husband here! It smells like saffron!"

"Awww, thank you so much, dearie!" Marita said gratefully. "Just slide it under the door, would you? I'm looking forward to reading-oh, no, no, no! Definitely not that shade of yellow! He'll look like a banana if we send him out in that!"

Pinky obliged and slid the letter under the door, and it was accepted by someone on the other side.

Dot knocked on the door by ramming her entire body into the wood, and Yakko held her back from doing it a second time so she wouldn't chip herself.

"Can we come in? We have some questions for you!" Dot shouted, wiggling around and freeing herself from Yakko's hold.

Pinky coughed and gave her a pointed look.

Dot groaned. "Can we come in, please?"

"Sorry, dearies!" Marita said. "We’re having an exclusive seamstress meeting!"

One of Yakko's wicks sparked into a small fire.

"I could burn the door down," he offered.

Pinky scowled at him and folded his arms, not taking that idea well at all. Yakko quickly extinguished his flame and hid his candle behind his back.

Though Pinky was amiable most of the time, there were moments where he could out-stubborn the Beast. Backing off was Yakko's best option.

He'd learned from the Beast's disastrous first attempt at trying to get Pinky to dine with him.

Wakko knocked on the door next. “I’ll show you this really neat spider I found the other day if you let us in! Her name is Silky and she’s very sweet!”

Unfortunately, nobody in the bedroom seemed to share Wakko’s interest in spiders, because the door didn’t open at all.

Wakko deflated.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing Silky later, Wakko,” Pinky offered, and that perked him up again.

“Neither would I,” Yakko added, and Wakko grinned at him. He needed to make sure Silky wasn’t a black widow like the last spider Wakko tried to adopt as a pet.

“- really, Marita, I thought I was hallucinating when the boss came to talk about clothing. I thought he was just going to throw his cape at us for a patch job again,” somebody whispered.

“Adeline-” Marita interrupted. “You shouldn’t-”

The Warners and Pinky pressed themselves to the door. Adeline was a sewing needle, one of the junior seamstresses under Marita, and a total gossip. If anyone was going to say anything crucial, it would be her.

“I thought he’d never say what he wanted! He was here forever!” Adeline giggled.

“Please, Adeline. You need to-”

“And did you see how red his face was? He looked like a tomato!”

“ADELINE!” Marita and the other seamstresses shouted, finally shutting her up.

There was a moment of silence, only broken by Adeline’s sheepish apology.

“Um…it’s probably okay. Maybe they left already?” Adeline said hopefully.

Yakko knocked sharply on the door, and there was a startled shriek from the other side. “Well, merci for that conveniently timed clue, Adeline! You’re the best!”

“Oops…” Adeline squeaked. She clearly recognized that her fellow seamstresses weren’t covering for her if word got back to the Beast about this.

So the Beast had gone to Marita after his conversation with Flavio to talk about…clothing?

There had to be some sort of connection between food and clothing, in addition to the odd need for secrecy. One that Yakko wasn’t seeing.

A white letter with a red cross seal slipped out from under the door.

“Would you mind taking that to Hello Nurse, dearies?” Marita asked. “You can get there much faster than I can.”

Pinky took the letter and tucked it under his arm. “Sure, we can do that!” he said.

Dot leaned against the door, a suspicious look on her face. “Do you actually have something to say in that letter, or are you just trying to get rid of us?”

“A little of both?” Marita admitted.

At least she was honest.

o-o-o-o-o

As they scoured the castle from top to bottom in search of Hello Nurse, they asked everyone they came across if they’d seen the Beast or knew what he was doing. But apart from the Goodfeathers, who’d spotted the Beast near the stables as they roosted outside, everyone thought it was a strange question and claimed they didn’t know anything.

Though Yakko and Dot wanted to press for more information, believing that the others knew more than they were letting on, Wakko and Pinky shot that down and chose to believe them at face value.

As they passed by one of the parlors on the second floor, they heard a melodious voice, alongside the harmonies of a piano and string accompaniment.

“Do mi do mi do so mi do,

Every truly cultured music student knows,

You must learn your scales and arpeggios.”

Peeking into the room, they found Rita perched on a grand piano, with Runt eagerly sitting on the floor and looking up at her with admiration. Hello Nurse was there too,

“Bring the music ringing from your chest and not your nose!

While you sing your scales and your arpeggios!”

Pinky clapped his hands in appreciation, and the music and singing stopped abruptly. “I love your little song! You all sound amazing!”

“Thank you, Pinky. I tuned myself earlier,” Hello Nurse said graciously.

“Eh, it wasn’t much. Just a little warm up,” Rita shrugged. “What do you think, Maestro Piano?”

Maestro Piano scoffed. “You were late on the second mi, sharp on the while, and you wouldn’t know music if Mozart himself beat you over the head with a-GAH!”

“AWOOOOOO!” Runt howled, banging on the highest pitched piano keys with his front legs.

“Ow, ow, ow! He’s slobbering all over my keys! My beautiful, ivory keys!” Maestro Piano screeched. “Someone, anyone, get him off!”

“Sit, Runt,” Rita ordered, though she took her sweet time in telling the dog-turned-footstool to get off.

Runt obeyed, though not without a sad whine.

Rita sighed. “Tell you what. If you let Hello Nurse and I practice without interruption, I’ll let you bang on the keys to your heart’s content when we’re finished.”

Runt’s tassels wagged happily.

Maestro Piano scowled as much as a piano could scowl, his keys quaking as he furiously played Beethoven’s 5th Symphony.

“No! I don’t agree to this arrangement!” Maestro Piano’s lid sprung out, knocking Rita to the floor. Since she was plastic though, the sudden fall mostly startled her. “None of you understand music the way I do! My instructions and talents are wasted on tone-deaf ears! Find someone else for this gig, because I quit! Good day!”

The irate piano lumbered away.

“Is he going to be alright?” Pinky asked with a frown.

“Eh, composers are all divas,” Yakko shrugged. “He’ll be fine.”

Hello Nurse sighed. “We should’ve practiced with Mezzo from the start.”

Mezzo was another composer-turned-grand piano with a rivalry against Piano, but Mezzo was friendlier and easier to practice with.

“Narf! So what are you practicing for, exactly?” Pinky asked, handing Marita’s letter to Hello Nurse. She nodded her thanks, but didn’t open the letter immediately, choosing to save it for later instead.

“A ball!” Runt shouted eagerly, and Rita hissed at him, but Runt ignored her and darted after a red ball that bounced into the room from the hallway.

He nearly bowled over Mindy, who was chasing after the ball too. Mindy giggled at having a new playmate and ran after him, with Buttons plodding along behind them.

Buttons’ leg had healed up nicely since his accident with the knights, and he hadn’t needed his splint for the past few weeks.

“We’re gonna have a small concert,” Rita said. “We’re no philharmonic orchestra, but you can’t have a fun night without music!”

“A concert?” Pinky gasped. “Egad, that sounds fun! Are we invited?”

“I can show off the Great Wakkorotti!” Wakko exclaimed. “I’ve been working on my cover of Ave Maria!”

“Is slam poetry allowed?” Dot asked eagerly.

“I've finished writing my educational song about the Hapsburg Dynasty family tree!” Yakko exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to perform it!”

Hello Nurse smiled. “Well, this is the first time we’ve ever done something like this, so this concert is more of a test run than anything, and the spotlight will only be on a select few. But if all goes well, then we can expand the range of performances in the future.”

Wakko and Dot deflated, upset that they wouldn’t be included in the concert. Unable to stomach their disappointment, Yakko knew that he couldn’t just sit by and not give them a chance to perform.

“The boss is the one behind this little concert, isn’t he?” Yakko guessed.

Rita and Hello Nurse nodded, seeing no point in denying it.

Now it all made sense! The food, the clothing, and the music!

All that was left to do was to confront the Beast himself and demand that he include Wakko and Dot in the concert.

“Time to have a little chat with the boss,” Yakko said to his siblings and Pinky.

o-o-o-o-o

As they headed towards the stables based on the Goodfeathers’ tip, Pinky hung back from the group, his tail limp on the ground.

Wakko nudged Yakko’s candle, then pointed to Pinky trailing behind.

“Hey, not to sound all accusatory here, but I thought you’d enjoy this concert,” Yakko said. “So why the long face?”

He tapped Pinky’s snout, and he looked up, startled by the sudden motion.

“Poit. A concert would be amazing,” Pinky said with a hesitant smile. “It’s just…I would’ve liked to help him set it up too. I could’ve made some posters if I’d known.”

Now that Pinky mentioned it, suddenly it seemed strange that the Beast never said anything to Pinky about a concert. There was no point in hiding such an event.

“Maybe just wanted to handle this one by himself,” Dot suggested. “It’s normal for him.”

Pinky didn’t look convinced though. “I just thought he knew differently by now, that’s all…”

Oh, they were definitely going to ask the Beast about this now.

And by ask, Yakko meant ‘set his cape on fire if he didn’t tell the truth’.

Just outside of the stables, they found the stablemaster and his apprentices working outside and around the structure, though nobody went in or came out.

“Hello, Pinky,” the stablemaster said, and though his greeting was perfectly cordial with him, he humphed at the sight of the Warners. “I see you brought…company.”

The stablemaster had never quite forgiven them for their spider prank.

“Hi, stablemaster. We’re looking for Beast. Have you seen him around?” Pinky asked.

The stablemaster and apprentices glanced at each other. The old rake coughed, clearly wanting one of his apprentices to speak for him.

“Sorrywehaven’tseenhimgoodbyenow!” Anton, one of the brushes, exclaimed hastily.

A loud, frustrated growl came from inside the stables.

"You sure about that, Anton?" Dot asked smugly.

"Pretty sure!" Anton chuckled nervously.

The growl escalated into a roar before abruptly cutting off.

"Heh. That was my…stomach?" Anton tried.

Yakko sighed. "If you're going to lie, Anton, at least try to make it sound believable."

Despite all the warnings that nobody was allowed inside the stables until further notice, they went inside anyway.

They all went to Pharfignewton's stall to say hello, only to find that she wasn't there. Her stall door was wide open, swinging loosely on the hinges.

Then they heard her whinny, alongside a prolonged grumble, coming from the back of the stables.

Finally, they had the Beast cornered! He couldn't evade them anymore!

Carefully sneaking across the straw and dirt ground and taking cover behind a corner, they found the Beast slumped against a bale of hay, his face buried in his hands. Across from him, Pharfignewton waited for him to get up again. She stomped her hoof against the ground.

The Beast didn't look like he wanted to get up, but he heaved a great sigh and stood anyway, still leaning against the wall.

Pharfignewton snapped her legs together and raised her head, and the Beast abruptly straightened up, his shoulders squared back, chest out, and arms held stiffly at his sides.

His posture definitely wasn't natural, and Yakko figured that Pharfignewton would have just as much luck as he and his siblings did when they coached the Beast on proper etiquette on Pinky's disastrous first night in the castle.

Then Pharfignewton circled him, nudging his shoulders with her muzzle and gently bumping his body with a hoof until he finally relaxed into a more natural position. She neighed and waited expectantly.

The Beast tried to make eye contact, but that only lasted a few seconds before he looked down at the floor again.

“L-look, we’ve known each other for a while now, a-and I th-thought maybe you’d want to…well, if you’re free in a few days, and you probably are, since there’s not much to do anyway, I th-thought you and I could…oh, for Socrates’ sake, I can’t do this…”

He trailed off with a mumble, burying his face into his hands.

Pharfignewton nickered in worry.

“This isn’t working,” the Beast sighed as he took out several sugarcubes from the folds of his cloak and held them up for Pharfignewton. “Here. Just take these for your trouble.”

Pharfignewton didn’t take the sugarcubes though. She nudged the Beast again, encouraging him to try once more.

“...I’ll have to inform everyone the plan’s off. I can…try to figure something else out.”

The plan was off?

The Beast was canceling the concert that Wakko and Dot were excited over? Well, if the Beast thought he could get away with disappointing Yakko’s siblings, then he had another thing coming!

“Hey!” Yakko screamed, rushing out into the open. Flames burst from his candles, sparks flying everywhere and startling the Beast and Pharfignewton. “You can’t just cancel this concert after all this thorough planning! Nor can you just exclude Wakko and Dot from performing either!”

“Yakko? How long were you…how much did you—what concert?” the Beast stammered, holding his cape away from Yakko’s flames.

“Don’t play dumb with us!” Dot shouted, joining Yakko in confronting their boss. “We’ve been on your trail the entire time! We know that you spoke to Chef Flavio about food, Señora Marita about clothing, and to Rita and Hello Nurse about music! And now we know why! You were going to ask Pharfignewton out to a concert!”

The Beast and Pharfignewton could only stare in confusion.

“I wasn’t asking Pharfignewton out to any concert!” the Beast growled. “And I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“What do you mean, you have no idea?” Yakko snapped. “How could you possibly forget, I don’t know, the concert you were planning?”

The Beast’s fur bristled at the accusations, matching the intensity of Yakko’s fire. Next to him, Dot was trying her best, but floral patterned teacups weren’t exactly known for being intimidating. And Wakko…well, Wakko was petting Pharfignewton and ignoring all the tension in the room.

Suddenly, the Beast’s eyes fixed on a point somewhere over Yakko’s shoulder, and his growl cut off. He lost his defensive posture, and his thick fur flattened.

Confused, Yakko glanced behind him. The Beast’s gaze was focused straight on Pinky as he stepped out from behind the corner.

“You weren’t planning a concert at all, were you?” Pinky asked, standing several feet away from the Beast.

“N-no, I wasn’t,” the Beast admitted. His anger had vanished entirely, replaced by the same awkwardness they’d seen when they came in. “And Pharfignewton agreed to help me…practice. I wasn’t actually asking her out.”

Pharfignewton tossed her head to confirm the Beast’s story.

So there was never a concert. Hello Nurse was a better liar than he gave her credit for.

Yakko’s flames dissipated, and he gestured for Dot to stand down as well. Pinky and the Beast were in their own little world now, and they’d only come out when they were ready.

Pinky tilted his head. “Practice for what?”

The Beast didn’t respond, staring down at a pile of straw at his feet instead. Pharfignewton pushed him forward, and he gave her a wide-eyed, terrified look.

But she only gave him an encouraging nod and stepped back to give them space.

“Pinky…” the Beast said, his voice shaking. “...you will attend the ball with me!”

Pinky stared at him, his eyes widening in surprise. Silence reigned in the stables, broken only by the frantic stamp of Pharfignewton’s hoof.

The Beast blushed. “I mean…you’ve been cordially invited to—I’d be honored if you’d-”

He was speaking so fast that it was hard to understand him. But Pinky seemed to know what he was trying to do. He offered a gentle smile and squeezed the Beast’s hand to encourage him to finally put the question out there.

The Beast stared down at their clasped hands, then took a deep breath. “Will you…attend the ball with me, Pinky?” he asked. He still wasn’t making eye contact with the mouse.

And Pinky pushed the Beast’s face over so their eyes could meet. “Of course I will,” Pinky said. There were tears in the corners of his eyes as he hugged the Beast, resting his head against his chest. “You know, when I woke up this morning, and you weren’t there, I thought…maybe you’d gotten tired of me.”

The Beast carefully wrapped his arms around Pinky, his ears falling slightly as he realized that Pinky had misinterpreted his sudden departure from their blanket fort. “I was inspired the night we read Cinderella, Pinky,” he said quietly. “You’ve never been to a ball before, and I have the resources to give you the opportunity. And…I found myself talking to thin air when I was going around the castle to set up this surprise ball. Perhaps I've gotten used to your presence.”

With his fears soothed, Pinky sank further into the embrace.

“C’mon you two, let’s give them some privacy,” Yakko said, ushering Wakko and Dot out of the stables. “And leave before we catch their cheesiness.”

Wakko smiled as they trudged up the path to the castle. “This is the best plan the boss has ever come up with, don’t you think? He’s gonna confess his love to Pinky and the curse will be broken for good!”

“And I’ll have my arms and legs back!” Dot cheered.

And Yakko wouldn’t have to worry about melting, rusting, shattering, or any of the usual dangers inanimate objects had to face on a daily basis.

Better yet, he could hold his siblings close again. They could hug and dance and use their toon powers to their heart’s content once the curse finally broke.

That day was coming soon. They just had to help spur it along.

AN: Beast!Brain deliberately piled up the pillows and blankets around Pinky so he'd stay asleep for longer. And yes, Pinky totally ate the witch's gingerbread house so he's a criminal lol.

Fun fact: Bouillabaisse is a French dish that was typically prepared with common fish by fishermen, though the dish evolved and started using spices and more expensive ingredients when the upper class got hold of it.

Marita rejecting a banana-shaded fabric is meant to be a dig at the 2017 movie, in which Emma Watson's dress is infamously plain, especially if you compare it to other real life adaptations of Belle's dress, which keep the elegant rococo style intact.

Rita is singing Scales and Arpeggios from the Aristocats. And I just thought it would be funny to include a piano named Piano since there was an evil organ named Forte.

Brain is very smooth, isn't he?

#pinky and the brain #beauty and the beast au #warner siblings

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imaminoccultation · 2 years ago

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Letter 7: The Word and Spirit of God, Part I - Praise be to Muslim Jesus

Peace be upon those who follow the right path. Which is to say, hey besties! I dunno if my Book of the Son of Mary clued you in or not, but, you know, I’m a huge fan of Prophet Jesus Christ. Can you blame me? I belong to 1 of the only 2 major world religions that recognize Jesus as a Prophet and Messiah: and the other one is Christianity.

Now, I know every Muslim has to respect Jesus, I mean, he’s easily one of the most important prophets in Islam. Growing up, cousins would regale me with stories of the Islamic apocalypse, the triumphant return of Prophet Jesus Christ, and his epic face off with the al-Maseeh ad-Dajjaal AKA The Blind Antichrist. Plus, if you’ve read the Uthmanic Bible or recite the Recitation, like I do, then you know Jesus is talked about like…all the time. There really are no in-depth retellings of Jesus stories the way there are for prophets like Yousif, Musa, or Maryam, but the vignettes about Prophet Jesus found in the Recitation were more than enough to make my imagination run as a kid who grew up in a masjid. First of all, there’s the story of his birth found in the Song of Mary, recorded in the 19th chapter of the Uthmanic Bible, which has always been one of my favorite Recitation stories. Every Ramadan, when my parents would force me and my siblings into going through the whole Uthmanic Bible, I was always excited to get to the Song of Mary. I mean, shit, I’m pretty sure 90% of the reason I’m still avoiding the Gospel of Luke is because I know the nativity story in there is nothing like the birth of Jesus story I grew up with and I’m very satisfied with the one I know, hehe.

But of course, this isn’t Prophet Jesus’ only appearance in the Recitation. He gets a lot of screentime in the Song of the House of ‘Imran, recorded in the third chapter of the Uthmanic Bible. In that Song, his adult life is given much more attention, as we’re told he raises peeps from the dead, heals the sick, cures the blind, while preaching tawheed to his people, the Sons of Israel. Also, we shouldn’t forget the ending of the Song of the Tablespread, one of my favorite parts of the Recitation. The Song of the Tablespread is such an intimidating chapter of the Uthmanic Bible: it’s so long, the verses are so long, and a lot of seriously fucked up shit goes down in the Song of the Tablespread (aside from the outlining of Muslim dietary restrictions). That’s not to say it isn’t great in its own way, but for me, the part I’ve always loved most is the ending. It’s a dialogue between Prophet Jesus and God, and it sorta goes like:

يَوْمَ يَجْمَعُ ٱللَّهُ ٱلرُّسُلَ فَيَقُولُ مَاذَآ أُجِبْتُمْ ۖ قَالُوا۟ لَا عِلْمَ لَنَآ ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلَّـٰمُ ٱلْغُيُوبِ

One day, God will gather all the Messengers to ask them: “how did the people respond to you?” They’ll say: “we don’t know: you are the one who has knowledge of the unseen.”

إِذْ قَالَ ٱللَّهُ يَـٰعِيسَى ٱبْنَ مَرْيَمَ ٱذْكُرْ نِعْمَتِى عَلَيْكَ وَعَلَىٰ وَٰلِدَتِكَ إِذْ أَيَّدتُّكَ بِرُوحِ ٱلْقُدُسِ تُكَلِّمُ ٱلنَّاسَ فِى ٱلْمَهْدِ وَكَهْلًۭا ۖ وَإِذْ عَلَّمْتُكَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبَ وَٱلْحِكْمَةَ وَٱلتَّوْرَىٰةَ وَٱلْإِنجِيلَ ۖ وَإِذْ تَخْلُقُ مِنَ ٱلطِّينِ كَهَيْـَٔةِ ٱلطَّيْرِ بِإِذْنِى فَتَنفُخُ فِيهَا فَتَكُونُ طَيْرًۢا بِإِذْنِى ۖ وَتُبْرِئُ ٱلْأَكْمَهَ وَٱلْأَبْرَصَ بِإِذْنِى ۖ وَإِذْ تُخْرِجُ ٱلْمَوْتَىٰ بِإِذْنِى ۖ وَإِذْ كَفَفْتُ بَنِىٓ إِسْرَٰٓءِيلَ عَنكَ إِذْ جِئْتَهُم بِٱلْبَيِّنَـٰتِ فَقَالَ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا۟ مِنْهُمْ إِنْ هَـٰذَآ إِلَّا سِحْرٌۭ مُّبِينٌۭ

On that day, God will say: “Hey, Jesus, son of Mary: remember how much I’ve blessed you and your mother. I supported you with the Holy Spirit so you could preach to the people both as a child in the crib and now in maturity. I taught you the Record and the Wisdom, taught you the Tawrat, taught you the gospel. You take clay and mold it into the shape of a bird, and by my permission, it comes to life when you blow into it. You cure the blind and the lepers by my permission, and you raise the dead with my permission. I shielded you from the sons of Israel when you came to them with clear Signs and the disbelievers among them said: ‘this is clearly just magic and sorcery.’

وَإِذْ أَوْحَيْتُ إِلَى ٱلْحَوَارِيِّـۧنَ أَنْ ءَامِنُوا۟ بِى وَبِرَسُولِى قَالُوٓا۟ ءَامَنَّا وَٱشْهَدْ بِأَنَّنَا مُسْلِمُونَ

“I inspired the disciples to have faith in me and my messengers. They said: ‘we have faith, and we swear we are submitters to God – Muslims.’”

إِذْ قَالَ ٱلْحَوَارِيُّونَ يَـٰعِيسَى ٱبْنَ مَرْيَمَ هَلْ يَسْتَطِيعُ رَبُّكَ أَن يُنَزِّلَ عَلَيْنَا مَآئِدَةًۭ مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ ۖ قَالَ ٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ

Remember when the disciples said: “hey Jesus, son of Mary! Does your Lord have the power to send us down a table spread with food from the sky?” Jesus said: “fear God, if you truly are Believers.”

قَالُوا۟ نُرِيدُ أَن نَّأْكُلَ مِنْهَا وَتَطْمَئِنَّ قُلُوبُنَا وَنَعْلَمَ أَن قَدْ صَدَقْتَنَا وَنَكُونَ عَلَيْهَا مِنَ ٱلشَّـٰهِدِينَ

They told him: “we just want to eat from that tablespread. It’ll put our doubts to rest, and we’ll be sure that you are indeed truthful, and we can be witnesses to this miracle.”

قَالَ عِيسَى ٱبْنُ مَرْيَمَ ٱللَّهُمَّ رَبَّنَآ أَنزِلْ عَلَيْنَا مَآئِدَةًۭ مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ تَكُونُ لَنَا عِيدًۭا لِّأَوَّلِنَا وَءَاخِرِنَا وَءَايَةًۭ مِّنكَ ۖ وَٱرْزُقْنَا وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ ٱلرَّٰزِقِينَ

Jesus, the son of Mary, said: “Lord God, bring us down a tablespread from the sky; a festival for the first of us and the last of us, and a Sign from you. Provide for us, you are truly the best of providers.”

قَالَ ٱللَّهُ إِنِّى مُنَزِّلُهَا عَلَيْكُمْ ۖ فَمَن يَكْفُرْ بَعْدُ مِنكُمْ فَإِنِّىٓ أُعَذِّبُهُۥ عَذَابًۭا لَّآ أُعَذِّبُهُۥٓ أَحَدًۭا مِّنَ ٱلْعَـٰلَمِينَ

God said: “I will send it down to you; whoever disbelieves after this, though, will face a punishment from me that I’ve never inflicted upon any of my creations.”

وَإِذْ قَالَ ٱللَّهُ يَـٰعِيسَى ٱبْنَ مَرْيَمَ ءَأَنتَ قُلْتَ لِلنَّاسِ ٱتَّخِذُونِى وَأُمِّىَ إِلَـٰهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ ۖ قَالَ سُبْحَـٰنَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِىٓ أَنْ أَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِى بِحَقٍّ ۚ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُۥ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُۥ ۚ تَعْلَمُ مَا فِى نَفْسِى وَلَآ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِى نَفْسِكَ ۚ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلَّـٰمُ ٱلْغُيُوبِ

God will say: “Hey, Jesus, son of Mary! Did you ever tell people to worship you and your mom as gods alongside me?” He’ll respond: “Praise be to you! I would never say anything I had no right to say. If I did say it, you’d know it: you know what’s in my heart, while I am ignorant of what is in yours. Indeed, you alone know all the secrets of the unseen.

مَا قُلْتُ لَهُمْ إِلَّا مَآ أَمَرْتَنِى بِهِۦٓ أَنِ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ رَبِّى وَرَبَّكُمْ ۚ وَكُنتُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدًۭا مَّا دُمْتُ فِيهِمْ ۖ فَلَمَّا تَوَفَّيْتَنِى كُنتَ أَنتَ ٱلرَّقِيبَ عَلَيْهِمْ ۚ وَأَنتَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ شَهِيدٌ

“I only ever told them what you ordered me to tell them: worship God, my Lord and your Lord. I watched over them for the time I was among them; but when you fulfilled me, caused me to die, you became their overseer, and you see all things.

إِن تُعَذِّبْهُمْ فَإِنَّهُمْ عِبَادُكَ ۖ وَإِن تَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ فَإِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلْعَزِيزُ ٱلْحَكِيمُ

"If you torment them, well, they’re your Slaves; but if you choose to forgive them, well, you’re the Most Powerful and Most Wise.”

قَالَ ٱللَّهُ هَـٰذَا يَوْمُ يَنفَعُ ٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ صِدْقُهُمْ ۚ لَهُمْ جَنَّـٰتٌۭ تَجْرِى مِن تَحْتِهَا ٱلْأَنْهَـٰرُ خَـٰلِدِينَ فِيهَآ أَبَدًۭا ۚ رَّضِىَ ٱللَّهُ عَنْهُمْ وَرَضُوا۟ عَنْهُ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ ٱلْفَوْزُ ٱلْعَظِيمُ

God said: “Today is the day where the truthful will reap the benefits of their truthfulness. They will have gardens, underneath which rivers flow, and they’ll be immortal in them forever. God is pleased with them, just as they are with Him; that is the Great Triumph.”

لِلَّهِ مُلْكُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ وَمَا فِيهِنَّ ۚ وَهُوَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدِيرٌۢ

To God belongs the skies and the Earth and all that lies between them; he is capable of all things.

Prophet Jesus Christ, despite his miraculous birth, his sonship to the greatest Muslim woman to have ever lived (according to the Uthmanic Bible, anyway), his incredible miracles, remained humble, modest, and promoted tawheed, salaam (peace), and rahma (mercy). One day, we’ll have to talk about intercession in Islam, but I’ll share this right now: just as I make du’a for the intercession of the Prophet Muhammad, the People of the House, and the Imams, I make du’a for the intercession of Prophet Jesus Christ. I mean, you know, it’s very clear that he has a close relationship with God, so why not??

And if you think this is shirk, I beg you to read up on Sufism and Shi’ism, and also, you know, Islamic history, cause the Prophet Muhammad told people to make du’a for his intercession.

But anyways! I love Prophet Jesus Christ. I even have a book on the Muslim Jesus by Tarif Khalidi, which compiles hadith attributed specifically to Prophet Jesus: some are readaptations of gospel stories, some are totally original and tell us a lot about how medieval Muslims understood the role of Prophet Jesus in their religion.

I would love to talk about all this…but, it’ll have to wait for another day. Why?

Ah, Answering Islam. It takes me back! Feels like one of the original anti-Muslim polemics sites, but, you know, when you’re a diaspora kid looking for answers to questions on Islam, what other good options do you have? Nice to see the site’s layout hasn’t budged an inch since I was young, shit still looks like it was made in an HTML 101 class, but I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

If you’re not particularly interested in reading bad faith arguments against Islam, here’s a summary of the article above: this nigga tries to argue that the Recitation accidentally deifies Prophet Jesus Christ. To prove this, they argue that, if you go through the Recitation and some lesser known hadith, you can come to the conclusion that Prophet Jesus Christ is the pre-existent Word of God or logos, involved in the creation of the universe, just as he is in Christianity. The article even cites a little-known Sunni hadith that claims Prophet Jesus existed as a Spirit in the time of Prophet Adam: you know, the first human. Our smug polemicist then poses the challenge: doesn’t this shit mean Jesus is basically the Son of God in Islam?

I’m frankly shocked by the amount of confidence these anti-Muslim polemicists have in their arguments despite the fact that they demonstrate a complete and utter ignorance of how Islam (and books, for that matter) actually…work? Let’s get this out of the way: if something depends on Allah to exist in any way, shape, or form, by the Islamic definition, that shit ain’t God. Even if it creates the universe, raises people from the dead, calls itself God, lives forever, if it wouldn’t’ve existed without God’s explicit permission, that shit ain’t God. Even if something predates the creation of the universe, that shit still ain’t God. That’s why the Light of Muhammad – the Muslim version of the logos, basically – isn’t worshipped by the Muslims who believe in the concept. It’s God’s most perfect and most exalted creation, and through its intermediation he generates, manages, and sustains our reality, but it also is totally dependent on God for its existence. A term like "Son" implies that it somehow shares in the essence or resembles its father: but, if you remember the primer on tawheed, then you'd know why we reject that. Even if a Muslim believes in Jesus as the eternal, pre-existent Word/logos of Allah (similar to Shi'a beliefs about Muhammad and Ali), the very essence of tawheed is to understand that this can, at best, prove the glory of Allah's Oneness. It can never detract from it.

And this brings me to what I really want to talk about today: The Muslim Jesus dilemma.

There’s an extremely long history of Christians accusing Muslims of hating Jesus: too long to get into in a fucking Tumblr post, I’ll tell ya that. As a Muslim-American, though, I feel like lots of Muslim-Americans have this instinct to:

Defend the Muslim relationship with Jesus because, you know, anybody who knows shit about Islam will tell you Prophet Jesus is important to Muslims.

Emphasize Jesus’ humanity and subordination to God as a response to the Christian deification of Jesus.

And so I feel like you get a lot of Muslim-Americans (or Americans writing about Islam) talking about how much Muslims love Jesus and how important he is, and at the same time I feel like the entire way of discussing Jesus in Muslim-America is very…well…paradoxical. It’s all about responding to Christian arguments: make sure Jesus is Muslim enough to be claimed by us, but not godly enough to be what the Christians think he is. There’re probably good reasons for this, but I’m fucking sick of it. Prophet Jesus Christ as described in Islam is not simply some argument against the Christians. He’s his own full-ass person, a unique character that embodies a unique religious philosophy that is worth appreciating.

And we’ll be diving into it for sure, besties. But before then, I’d like to encourage my Muslim readers to take a little exercise: read the Gospel of Mark. Seriously. I went my whole life being told reading the Gospel of Mark was either 1) useless 2) a highway to hell 3) pointless when the Recitation is right there, and I’m frankly convinced you can only come to these conclusions as a Muslim if you’ve never actually read the Gospel of Mark. It’s not historically accurate or 100% compatible with the Muslim narrative of Jesus, but in the Gospel of Mark, Prophet Jesus Christ is depicted as the miracle-working Messiah of God, a teacher, a healer, and promoter of charity and tawheed. As an atheist, reading it, I was expecting to have my assumptions about Jesus that I learned as a Muslim flipped upside down, but seriously, read the Gospel of Mark. That nigga definitely a Muslim prophet, he sounds like the rest of them, deadass.

#islam #jesus christ #shia islam #muslim #religion #christianity #america

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