#talked about a Lot of my current bpd stuff with my therapist today and by god am i going through it

[yououghtaknow]

experiencing that quirky mental illness thing when you feel so intensely you get physically sick. smile. 

[therapythoughtstogether]

Saturday morning that feels odd

I used to looove Saturday morning since I was little, for so many reasons...

I'm struggling a bit to see the bright side of things lately. I'm coming down with a cold, and I'm simply cold all the time. The wether is awful and things look...grim...

I should hopefully get my anxiety meds today. They are not a magic solution, but they will help me go through difficult times a bit more easily. I do have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (together with my BPD and stuff) so I have them prescribed for a reason. And my current situation is very anxiety-inducing.

I'm also looking forward to my therapy session next week. It will have to be online because this guy is my shadow and doesn't let me go anywhere.

I won't be able to talk about my current situation because I can't be sure he won't be trying to eavesdrop (or just accidentally overhear), but just being in contact with my therapist, seeing him and hearing his voice will help me a lot. And it's not that I don't have plenty of other trauma to go through anyway...

My host will go out for a while this morning (I won't have the key so I can't go anywhere myself) but I'll be happy to chill on my own for a little while and look for jibs without having to hide. Oh, and of course I have to cook and do chores, but that's another story.

[self-hatred-h00die]

tw for sh + nsfw ment //

todays like, the first day i haven't cvt in a long while. it's been everyday lately. i got to spend almost the whole day with my bf- he came over 2 my house n it was rly fun .//. he's so nice to me- like i genuinely don't know how to react. i feel so safe and calm and stable with him. like an actual normal person instead of a walking bag of disorders. but at the same time, i can be open with him about everything. literally everything. he doesn't tell me to "just stop," but he gently discourages the bad stuff i do to myself. it's easier because he shs and kinda has an ed too, so he can actually relate and understand what im going through.

im like. kinda covered in hickies and bitemarks currently lmao. looking at them makes me not want to sh for some reason ?? like already having markings. and i feel really calm and happy. i just don't feel like cvtting tonight at all.

on another note, i let him use my phone and laptop today so we could watch some stuff together and listen to music; he showed me a lot of rly interesting stuff and it was so nice to see him passionate and excited about it all. he noticed my search history though and asked me about the "bpd favorite person" search (ive been researching bpd a lot recently as i really suspect i may have it. it's crazy how well the symptoms describe me. id bring it up with my therapist if i still saw her) and he asked if he was my fp. i kinda told him im not sure and it was just something i thought i might have, but that uhm yeah very much so

he said we'll talk about it later so qwq it seems like he knows more about fp stuff than i do based on how he reacted. like i genuinely don't know if having an fp is a good thing or a bad thing?- i don't want him to feel pressured to stay with me ever and i never want to make him upset. i really can't help the way i feel for him- helplessly devoted and obsessed. my emotions revolve around him and our interactions completely. if i feel even the slightest hint of upset or rejection it sends me spiraling.

i hope we can talk about it and how to deal with things in a healthy way for both of us. that's really what i want.

i miss him so much T^T id kill to be able to spend the night with him, cuddled up and warm together .///.

and i love that he lets me play with his hair ;//; he has rly long hair and it's nice to pet-

and he pet my hair earlier which was .//. really nice

fuck im just rambling at this point

anyway i love him like way more than i can even process basically

[justanothersyscourse]

I don’t really want a diagnosis because I physically can’t have children and I want to be able to adopt in the future. I’m also trans + autistic so I’ve already got some stuff working against me in that department.

I haven’t brought up being a system to my therapist because I’m afraid she won’t believe me, and it’s mainly the trauma symptoms causing problems and not the presence of alters. (Also I don’t think she has a lot of experience with dissociative disorders?)

I guess I just . . . want to know if this is ok? If I should talk to her about it or just try to forget about it all and try to ignore that I’m probably a system? Idk I’m afraid to open up about it and then be told that I’m just making it up or something. I’m open to the possibility that I’m not actually a system and I have something Else going on, but we’ve already ruled out BPD so idk what else it would be. Like, if there was something else happening that made sense I’d accept it, but I’m afraid it’ll just be completely dismissed and I’ll be even more confused.

Idk srry I felt like I needed to get this off my chest and ask someone who has more experience with all this about if it’s ok to be where I’m at or if I should do something different.

A is for placeholder

B is for my infinite frustration

C is for FCK U TUMBLR, STOP CUTTING OFF MY FIRST TWO LINES

Hi, Anon!

There's a lot happening in this ask, so let's take it point by point.

It's absolutely, perfectly fine to not want a diagnosis. Period. Full stop. There are MANY reasons someone might not want one, and they're all valid-- EXCEPT FOR ABLEISM. Not wanting a diagnosis because "ew, gross", is bad. Just based on the last handful of posts I've made today, I just want to say, so long as you realize you CAN have one, do whatever works for you. Don't think you won't get it, and on the opposite end, don't think you NEED one.

Self DX is also super valid when it's well researched, and the person self-diagnosing is open to change when presented with new information or new perspectives (which it sounds like you are, so A+ for you, gold star). If you feel it fits your experiences, have at it, you're welcome here.

Another big thing that's misunderstood about the dyfunction criteria is that it doesn't need to be the alters causing you problems. Like, AT ALL. It can be the PTSD, the amnesia, the comorbid issues, the identity confusion-- ANYTHING. The DSM doesn't mention AT ALL that the alters specifically cause dysfunction. Instead, it talks about trauma memories, embarrassment over symptoms, anxiety from trying to hide symptoms. It can literally. Be. Anything.

On a plus note, if you are actually only experiencing issues with trauma memories, then you don't necessarily need a therapist that's specialized in anything other than PTSD. I've said this before, when you're looking for a therapist, look for one who specializes in the problem you're CURRENTLY having. Might it be helpful to bring up your system to your therapist? Definitely, if your system isn't integrated and still experiencing amnesia, your alters won't all benefit from the therapy sessions. In that case, it might be helpful to mention it. If that's not an issue, or the issue is with YOU specifically, then you don't necessarily need to tell your therapist if you're not comfortable doing so.

Don't "ignore" that you're a system, just be mindful of to who and when you want to present that information. Here's an example-- I moved cities a few years ago and never took my file with me. That means my current GP doesn't know I'm a system. I also don't plan to tell him unless I need to make any major changes to my medication. I go to him when I'm hurt or sick, not for mental stuff, so he doesn't need to know. That's okay. My system doesn't necessarily affect my broken leg. My meds, on the other hand, may have a negative effect on my system that he might need to be aware about. I don't know, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. And that's a decision I made about that doctor specifically. I might, for WHATEVER reason, choose to tell my... I don't know... gynecologist about my system. You tell who you want, when you want.

I can't tell you whether you should tell your therapist or not. I CAN tell you that the decision, either way, is perfectly valid and good, so long as it's YOUR decision (no one is forcing you one way or the other), and the results are working for you.

I highly doubt your therapist is going to dismiss you, as well. And if they do? Fire them. Get another one. Get a second opinion, and a third opinion, until it makes sense to you. If they can say, "maybe it might be this, have you considered this disorder? Here's some reasons," and those reasons make sense to you? Great. If not, keep looking.

I hope this helps. You're doing just fine.

[beating-bpd]

Hi ash. So I've struggled with depression symptoms all my life and have looked into Bpd after finding out I share a high amount of symptoms. I've spent today looking at ways to improve etc and would like some guidance please. I've come off my antidepressants so am very up and down but this isn't too unusual just worse now I'm not taking my antidepressants. I've chosen not to go back on them as I'm ready to fight this instead of keep masking it. Your doing an amazing thing here xx

Hi, and thanks for the kind words!

First, I want you to know that taking meds aren’t masking it, giving up, or a sign of weakness. I might actually be adding to my meds to get a mood stabilizer to help while I’m going through trauma therapy as my bouts of depression and my mood swings have gotten worse. Another friend of mine with PTSD decided to go off her meds and had a rough time with withdrawals, but found ways to work through them because she personally didn’t want to be on pills every day. But, she also smokes a lot of pot to manage her symptoms. What works for one person might not work so great for someone else. I just mention this so that if you find yourself getting worse rather than better, there’s absolutely no shame in using meds to balance you out. 

There are a lot of options for bettering your mental health, whether you have BPD or not. 

For therapies, you have DBT, CBT, MBT, talk therapy, and EMDR, just to name a few options. I’m currently being seen for PTSD and other issues related to trauma, and I’m doing a combination of talk therapy, EMDR, and group therapy - I also take pharmaceutical medication and use alternative treatments. Every person is unique in what their needs are to get them on a high-functioning level. My personal belief due to my experience has been that there’s a lot of trial and error involved in all of these aspects, and it’s a continuous process. 

Previously I was seen for BPD and once I worked through the issues that related to managing those symptoms and no longer met the criteria, I stagnated in progress. Now I’m working on underlying trauma and PTSD, which is much harder. Grounding techniques and self care I used previously weren’t enough. I’ve had to grow my toolbox for grounding and managing anxiety, as well as being open to new therapies that might help. Whereas I only did talk therapy before, now I do much more than that. I still use aspects from all the therapies I mentioned above that help me in different ways. 

Beyond therapy, I’ve found other ways to keep myself moving forward. I love hiking. I’ve tried yoga and I am not doing well with it, so I’m sticking with the hiking thing whenever I’m able to get out because being out alone at 5am in a National Park looking at the stars is my happy place. I like to create. Painting, drawing, writing - it helps me. I bake for people. I bring in cupcakes and cookies and bread to the Vet Center where I get my therapy. Finding the joys in your life and allowing yourself to partake in that and make it a natural part of your schedule helps so much. 

Something my therapist has really been working with me on is giving myself permission. One of my issues (and I have no idea if this is something you struggle with) is failing. I set very high expectations for myself, which has caused continuous negative effects. So if I go to the gym and I feel like I’ve done all I can in 15 minutes, I need to allow myself to be glad I did that much. I can leave. If I go somewhere I know I’m going to be uncomfortable, like the grocery store, with the intent to get a ton of stuff but there’s a lot of people, I have to give myself permission to just get what I need and leave. Managing what you can accomplish and continuing success rather than striking yourself down as a failure because you didn’t meet an arbitrary goal is important. 

To break all that mess down into tl;dr terms:

Create a self-care plan and build a toolbox of grounding techniques.  

Find the aspects of therapy that work for you, whether or not this includes medication.

Give yourself permission, listen to your mind and body, and be honest about what you’re able to accomplish without judgement. Be kind to yourself.

Continue to push your boundaries of what you think you can do and push yourself to move forward, but please remember #3. 

Find what makes you happy and include those things in your everyday life.

I hope some of this helps, and I wish you the absolute best. 

[ambrosiholic]

Therapy Update #2

 I’ve been taking my medication for like a week or so now and obviously not much is different yet. 

 My current therapist told me to get this DBT skills book (The Dialectal Behavior Workbook by Matthew MccKay PhD 2nd edition if u wanna get ur own!) and I like it so far. I’m only a few pages in, but it’s definitely not like anything else I’ve done. 

  I also met with a therapist whose trained in DBT today, to see if I would be right for her BPD group and she decided I was a great fit. I wanted to also see her as an individual therapist but, she doesn’t take therapy so I’m going to have to see how her sliding scale works to see if I can see her. If not, then I gotta talk to my current therapist about one whose within my network. 

 Idk I like my therapist, but it really sucks because she’s not trained in DBT, so outside of diagnosing me and giving me the resources I need, I’m worried that she isn’t able to do much more for me and that it’s time to move on to a different therapist. She’s done a lot of good for me, but I also feel really guilty going somewhere else? Idk I’m going to talk to her about it at our next session to see what she thinks. 

 I’m really excited to start group therapy though and meet other ppl like me and start working on stuff. So yeah.