#tell me you’re gay and massively depressed without telling me y

[themarychain]

watching moonlight and brokeback mountain back-to-back in my ultimate show of masochism

[imaginarypeteel]

Back In The Firehouse

Mateo Chavez x reader

Fandom: 911: Lone Star

Summary: You're a former member of the old 126. You survived the explosion but weren't as lucky as Judd. You're half deaf now and can't go on the field again but still want to see what the new station looks like.

Word count: 5k

You pushed your hair back as you stood in front of the new 126. You and Judd had kept some contact but you both had been too depressed and had grown distant.

You had grown used to your new life as someone with a hearing disability. Getting a new job was hard since you didn't like deskjob much and were more hands on type of person. So you became a social worker. Helping people with hearing disabilities.

You felt a tug on your left hand and looked down. Your aid dog, Prince - a massive mongrel who people often mistook as a Kangal shepherd - was looking at you. "Alright, let's go," you said as you started to walk towards the firehouse.

As you stepped in you realized how different this place was now. It was shiny and posh and everything that old 126 wasn't.

You thought you heard a call and got confirmed when Prince set his forepaw onto your knee. The woman looked around before doing a 180°.

There was a black guy in a firefighter uniform, "Hi! I'm Y/n L/n. I worked here before?" you smiled and introduced yourself.

"Oh! Hi, I'm Paul Strickland and I work here currently," he laughed lightly. "Care to introduce me to the new squad?" you asked with a grin. "Yeah sure, they're in the kitchen."

You followed Paul to the very modern looking kitchen.

The moment you stepped in, you saw a familiar face and before Paul could say anything, the person had seen you too. "Why look what the dog brought in," he grinned and walked up to you. The two of you did a bro hug. The fact that you're a girl didn't matter, you had always been more of a tomboy.

"Judson you corn-fed man are still in the line?" you laughed. "Well someone's gotta look over them."

"You gonna introduce your friend to us, Judd?" a beautiful woman with a hijab asked.

"Right, 126 Y/n L/n, Y/n 126," Judd said. "Well that's accurate," a man with nice blue eyes said with sarcasm and pushed forward, he stretched a hand out to you to shake it, "Captain Owen Strand."

The others in the room had all introduced themselves, you were ready to ask some questions but then their eyes switched to your left. The side you were deaf at. After the accident, you had greatly relied on reading people, so there was probably someone else beside you. You turned to your left and were met with a handsome young guy. His hand was stretched out and he looked shy and was a bit flushed. Probably because you hadn't acknowledged him before. "Sorry sorry, I didn't hear you," you apologized and shook his hand. "Uhm, it's okay, I'm Mateo...Chavez..." You give him a smile and turned back to the others.

Prince had met Buttercup and you could tell that he wanted to play with the fire dog, so you let him go but made sure to keep him in sight. You really needed him, were a little helpless without him.

"So how do you know Judd?" Marjan asked.

"I was a firefighter here before the accident," you explained with a sad smile. "Oh..." You took a deep breath. "Yeah, unlike this guy, I got away with yes life but I also lost ability to hear from my left ear - which is why I couldn't hear you," you looked at Mateo with apologetic eyes and he smiled shyly in return, "and my sight isn't as good in my left eye aswell, I mean I can still see from it but it's a bit blurry, that's all."

"That's why you have Prince?" TK asked with interest, you nodded as a reply.

~~~***~~~

You were teaching Buttercup some tricks with the help of Prince when the crew retreated from a call. By what the dispatcher said, it was a housefire and the smell of burning and sweat that drifted off them proved it.

"How'd it go?" you asked. "Phew," Marjan plopped into a seat near you, "Pretty good, saved a mother and two girls from a housefire," she said as she tried to call Buttercup over but the bernese mountain dog just jogged over to TK. "Oh come on! Does TK ever give you as many treats I do?"

Buttercup didn't react to it but Prince strolled over and sniffed her at the mention of treats. He was a smart dog.

"So guys, I'm going to a bar with Carlos tonight, wanna come with?" TK asked as he rubbed the big dog's chest. "Hmm... Sure, by the way, who's Carlos?" you asked as you yawned slightly. "My boyfriend," TK said proudly, making you nod with a smile. You for some reason had always become so happy at the mention of gay couples. You couldn't explain it. "I'll come too!" Mateo chirped. The others agreed to come too, Judd saying he'll take Grace along.

~~~***~~~

You looked at yourself in the mirror. Black leather pants tightly around your legs, white v-neck and a black leather jacket to cover it all. Fashion hadn't ever been really your thing. You were more of a 'throw on whatever's the cleanest' type but right now, you weren't against the idea of putting in at least some effort. Your hair was loose, that you were not going to change.

You couldn't drive because of your disabilities and couldn't take Prince to the bar, so all of this was making you anxious.

You noticed your phone vibrating on the counter and picked it up. Your Uber driver had arrived. You gave a confused Prince a concerned look. The dog had become a big part of your life and you relied on him a lot. Yes, you had a cat from your early twenties who was a big emotional support but outside, Prince was your rock.

You bent down and the big dog trotted over to you. "Take care of Disney, okay?" you said and kissed his forehead. Of course he didn't understand your words but he knew that you were leaving and not taking him with you, so he too was anxious.

You grabbed your keys and phone and went out the door, locking it.

~~~***~~~

"So Y/n," Mateo said as he sat on the stool beside you, nervously tapping on the bottle of beer. "Hm?" you hummed while taking a sip of whiskey.

"What do you do? Now that... you know," he trailed off awkwardly. "Yeah, I do," you smiled, "I help people with hearing disabilities. Whether kids who are born with it or people who have lost it during life. Help them get back on track and learn to live with it, maybe even give them the list of jobs they could still apply to. Sometimes I even recommend then and get them an interview," you explained.

"Oh wow, that's nice of you," he said while bobbing his head. "Says the guy who gets in all sorts of dangerous situations to save people," you laughed. Mateo smiled but not wide, "Well, actually the others do most of the work, I just lag behind mostly." You rose your brows at that, "Really? Pretty sure I saw you on TV once." The dark-haired man smiled wider at that. "I was just passing out water bottles. Our Captain was getting the real action though."

"Mhm, okay. My best friend was squealing when she saw you to be honest," you laughed at the memory.

~~~***~~~

"Y/n you're telling me you worked with guys like him back in the day?" Evely gasped as she was watching the news. You were just looking over some papers of one of your current patients'. "Hm?" you raised your head at the big screen before looking down again. "Not all of them are like that. Pretty sure he is just a probie," you murmured as a frown stretched on your face. "Oh wow, if a probie looks like that, I imagine what a fireman looks like," Evely moaned which had you cringing. "Caaalm down you little hoe."

The brunette shot you a look before returning to the man on the screen who was handing out water bottles. "Just look at those arms," she squealed.

~~~***~~~

"Really? What did you think of it?" he asked with excitement. "I wasn't really paying attention but while I was in the taxi and driving here, I remembered seeing you there," you grinned. Mateo's smile faltered at that before returning to the wide one. "So you were thinking about me while driving here?" he grinned slyly and moved his upper body closer to yours on the wooden bar. A small blush covered your cheeks and a grin stretched onto your face. Calm down, the kid is still young. Not like you were really old. No, you were just about to hit 30 but still.

"I think about lots of things while I have nothing to do so don't think you're so special," you chuckled and flicked his forehead. He flinched and rubbed his forehead while fake pouting at you.

Mateo's gaze flicked behind you and just as you decided to turn around, you felt a tap on your shoulder. You spun on the stool and came face to face with a familiar woman. "Grace!" you chirped and hugged the dispatcher. "Haven't seen you in a while, how you doing?" the dark-skinned woman asked as she set herself down on the stool beside you. "Well, I have a nice paying job that pays well. No one sick at the moment so medical bills are fine. Have been practicing some new tricks with Prince and well, I'm currently here."

The bartender asked Grace for her order before she could reply, "Porn Star, thank you. Judd?" the man didn't even waste a second before ordering a big glass of beer. You laughed at that and kept sipping your whiskey without any ice or water in it.

"So probie," Judd said as he waited for his beer, dragging Mateo's attention away from you, "Why you trying to swoon Miss Former Probie?" Grace and you giggled at that while Mateo's face changed color. "I-I um, I," the dark haired man stuttered. "I uh..."

"Oh leave him alone, Judd," Grace told her husband playfully.

"Here ya go," the bartender said as he pushed the couple's drinks in front of them. "Thank you," Grace smiled as she dragged the glass so it sat in front of her chest. Judd didn't waste a second to gulp some of his black beer down.

"Rough day? Then that might not be the best drink for that," you laughed while watching the man. He grinned and nodded, "I'm only starting right now, okay? By the end of the night, I'll be having a Bloody Mary with extra vodka and you know it."

~~~***~~~

The others soon started to arrive too. You talked with them yes but mostly spoke with Judd and Grace, Mateo came after them. You didn't realize how much you missed spending time with a fire squad until now and how much you missed your old crew. Luckily you easily rekindled with Judd. He had mostly been the person who taught you everything on the field which was also the reason why you were with him and not near the fire when the accident happened.

A few tears trailed downwards as you thought of your old crew. But then you felt someone touching your left shoulder. Spooked, you snapped your attention to the person, hair whipping at their face in the process. It was Mateo. "Sorry that I startled you!" he immediately apologized with sad puppy eyes. You smiled but rose your left brow when he frowned. "Oh God! Did I startle you that much that you had to cry? I am so so so sorry Y/n!" he apologized over and over again. You laughed lightly as you heard him.

While wiping away the tears with your left hand, you placed your right hand on his cheek, "No no, it isn't your fault. Just remembered....them." After wiping away the tears, your tipsy self looked at him with your head slightly tilted. You rubbed gentle circles on his cheek with your thumb while smiling fondly. He was staring at you with dark eyes full of surprise but hesitantly snuggled his cheek into your hand. "Hey Mateo," you said as you leaned closer to him. He mirrored your movements and started to lean closer, probably thinking he is going to get a kiss. "Wanna go dance?" you grinned at the slight disappointment in his face. He still nodded and got up on his two feet.

The rookie firefighter was surprised by how he swayed a bit and had to grab onto his stool to keep himself from falling over. "Overthought your alcohol tolerance?" you laughed while taking a small sip of the paloma you had ordered before leaping to stand by the younger man. You too had been too confident in yourself and stumbled lightly before regaining balance. "Whoopsies," you giggled and dragged your hair back behind your head with your hand. Mateo gave you a flirty grin while extending his hand, "M'lady? May I have this dance?" he asked while playfully bowing. You squealed at his act and grabbed his hand, "Why yes, kind sir," you replied, playing along. Mateo gripped your hand a bit tighter before going over to the place where Judd and Grace were dancing with only two other couples.

Judd shot a look at the rookie that went unnoticed by you. He on the other hand decided that dancing with you was much more important so he just grabbed a gentle hold of your hips and the two of you simply swayed to the jazz.

You leaned more into him and felt yourself wanting to fall asleep like  this.

~~~***~~~

By the end of it, Mateo had escorted you home. Judd had indeed gotten that Bloody Mary he was talking about and had somehow made you get one too. 1. Your bank account didn't agree with this much. 2. Your mouth was on fucking fire. 3. You wanted milk and you wanted it now. 4. You felt sorta horny but sorta sleepy.

All that had resulted in you moaning at Mateo that you wanted to drink his milk while the two of you drove the taxi. Poor boy was very turned on but resisted it and decided to play innocent.

"I don't have any milk, Y/n. Yes, drop us here... I think. Is this your home?" the man asked you. You lazily turned your gaze outside of the window. Your left eye's sight was currently a complete foggy mess but the other one's was a semi blur. You just hummed even though you didn't really think it through and didn't even try to see the building.

Mateo helped you out of the uber and the two of you stood in front of a white building. You snuggled into the younger man who's arm was wrapped around your shoulder.

When you reached the front door, you resistantly left his cozy side and stepped closer to the door, pulling your keys out of the pocket.

"Okay, so, which apartment is yours?" the rookie asked as you let the front door of the apartment building close, fumbling with the keys, trying to understand which is which. When you didn't answer, he looked at you and was confused. Why weren't you answering?

He then realized that you were leaning on a wall, good ear facing it. He quickly walked over to you, "Y/n, you okay?" he asked with concern. "Yeah, yeah, the wall is just nicely cold." You let out a yawn, finally pushing yourself off the pure white wall. "Second floor," you said, starting to walk up the stairs. Mateo rushed after you and secured his left arm around your waist. He had slowed down on drinks and had even ordered a glass of water, so he was in much better condition than you.

When the two of you reached the second floor, you quickly dragged him to your apartment door. The moment you started jingling with the keys, Mateo heard a clatter of nails against stone floor.

When you opened it, a familiar golden colored giant barged into you and gave you floppy kisses while you laughed. "Ok boy, down," you ordered and the dog immediately followed. His innocent gaze trailed over to Mateo and he stalked to the man, sniffing him like a police K-9 searching for drugs.

"Come in, Matty," you giggled while watching him stand like he had just met gazes with Medusa. The man hesitantly stepped into your apartment and was about to proceed into the living room when you noticed that he was still wearing shoes. "Aaaah! No way! No way are you going anywhere past where I'm standing with your shoes on!" you yelled, startling the younger adult who flinched.

He froze before coming back to stand beside you while you glared at him with your e/c eyes, making him a bit nervous. Prince felt the change in the air and tensed. The big golden dog stepped in front of his owner and he too glowered at the rookie firefighter.

You cracked a small smile as you watched how the dark eyed man took his boots off.

The moment they were placed beside your other shoes, you loosened up, making your dog calmer too. In a matter of three seconds, you were in the kitchen with your pale grey socks letting you slide across the wooden floors.

Mateo placed himself on the couch where a calico cat came to inspect him. "Her name is Disney, while I was working as a firefighter, we found her in housefire. None of the people in the house claimed her as theirs. Probably because she was full of burns and in critical condition. Animal care ain't that cheap ya know. But my heart was hurting for her, so I decided to get her. I was like twenty or twenty-one I think. Don't regret it, she has always been a big emotional support for me," you told him while landing beside him with two glasses of water.

"Sounds lovely," Mateo nodded and took one of the glasses. "Indeed."

Disney climbed over to you and curled up on your chest. As she got comfortable, she started to purr loudly.

You smiled and kissed her forehead. She might be deaf and a little blind because of her injuries from the fire but she knew you loved her with your whole body. She was just like you.

~~~***~~~

When Mateo came to work next time, he was attacked with questions.

"So Probie,  you left with Y/n, what happened after?" Marjan grinned. "Yeah, I wanna know too," Judd said suspiciously.

"N-Nothing happened, she told me about her cat, gave me water and I was going home," the young man stuttered nervously. The crew looked at him, suspicious if he was really telling the truth. "Fine, we'll believe you for now," Marjan said upsetly.

~~~***~~~

Mateo looked up with wonder as he was walking home. The northern lights were really beautiful. Since he had departed with Paul and Marjan, he felt lonely. He wanted to be with someone right now and-

"Mateo!" he looked in front of himself again and saw your familiar form. A smile stretched onto his face, "Y/n!" You had Prince on the leash who was wagging his tail happily at the sight of the man. Over the matter of few months, he had come to completely love the guy.

You surpringly also had Disney on a leash.

The man walked over to you and gave you a tight hug out of nowhere. Yes, you were surprised but still hugged him back.

"It's okay Matty. Anyway, I brought them out to calm them down a bit. Things in my apartment went crazy because of the solar storm. TV put on some crazy metal channel which freaked out Prince and lights started flicking and all sorts of other things that made them both stressed. The floor is probably full of their pee," you sighed and rubbed the part between your eyes tiredly. "Yeah, today was crazy but at least it has had a beautiful ending," the man said as he pointed towards the sky with his nose, still petting your animals.

"Why hello to you too," you said as you pulled back. Mateo smiled shyly, "Yeah yeah, hi." He bent down to greet the animals, Prince giving him kisses and Disney rubbing herself against him. Mateo felt his nose get a little sniffy and let out a sneeze.

"Sorry, I'm actually a bit allergic to cats," he apologized.

When you had made sure the boy got to his parents safely, you tried to call 911 but no luck, your phone decided that despite being 86% few seconds ago, it was at 0% now. So tightly gripping Prince's leash, you had approached the door to your apartment slowly. The door wasn't unlocked, nor had any signs that anyone had touched it in general.

You looked up and nodded slowly, still not smiling. You had been at work with your newest patient - a lovely 9 year old boy named Samuel who lost some of his hearing because he flew with an airplane - when the lights in your office started flicking crazily, scaring both you and your patient. The water machine in the corridor started going off too. Your patient had started crying and you had to calm him down while also trying to make sense of the situation. Then you had gotten a call from one of your neighbors, telling you that there were several crashes in your apartment and that maybe someone had broken in. Prince was with you as your aid dog, he had also calmed down Samuel a bit while being anxious himself but worry for Disney and your valuables peaked in you.

When you finally opened the door, you first saw many shards of glass and other pieces of your dishes on the floor. The lights were flicking here too. Prince started whining. You jumped when you heard a loud crash in the living room. Quickly, you ran in and saw your TV on the floor and a scared Disney running away, pee trailing after her. She was absolutely freaking out. You tried to switch off the lights but they kept on flicking. Prince yelped which made you turn your attention to him, he was holding one of his paws up. Probably had stepped on one of the shards. You bit your lip and tried to pick him up to put him on the couch. You noticed that it too had wet spots. The microwave started dinging, your golden mongrel tried to hide his head under a pillow.

With a rush, you followed the path you had seen Disney go - the bedroom.

The room was torn apart. Completely. Disney almost crashed into you but when she did see you, she immediately jumped on your legs and started climbing up while letting out pathetic kitten cries. You felt tears brimming at your eyes at the feeling of her claws. The little calico tried to hide into your shoulder while her fur was bristling with fear. You held your cat and started heading towards the living room and sat on the couch slowly. Prince placed his head in your lap while whining.

Then that fucking TV, despite being on the floor, basically destroyed, had turned on and started playing metal music max sound on. So with a heavy heart, you had beat it with your foot until it became silent again.

When it had finally calmed down, you decided to head out. The traffic was calm and normal again, maybe a bit scarce but traffic lights were working normally. Your apartment was pretty much destroyed and you were going to be in debt trying to make it all up. You weren't mad at Disney, no. She was scared and you understood that.

You were so tired of this day and even those northern lights weren't going to make your mood much better.

Mateo saw your sour look and came back to a standing position. "You okay?" he asked with worry. He liked you a lot and seeing you like this wasn't nice.

"No, not at all. I don't want to go back to my apartment. It's completely destroyed. Completely," you sighed. The man tongued his cheek as he tried to come up with an idea that would lighten your mood. "You can stay at my place if you want?" he suggested. You glanced at him and shook your head, "You're sweet Mateo but I can't. There's no food for them in your place and I don't want to risk ruining your living quarters." The rookie firefighter draped one of his arms around your shoulders. "Then we will go and buy food for them right now and will stay up with them for the night until we are sure that this is all over, okay?" You looked at him and gave a flat smile. "Okay fine."

~~~***~~~

"It's not the biggest but it'll do...I hope," Mateo said as he walked in, carrying the bags of dog-and cat food. You looked around with a small smile, "It's perfect."

You hesitantly bent down and unlatched the leash from Disney's straps. The queen immediately went to inspect the place, Prince following right after once he was let loose.

Mateo walked past you and you got triggered inside as you saw him wearing shoes in the process. No way were you going to make your feet into squashed lemons or anything. So you leaned against the wall and took your shoes off. Mateo looked back at you, "Oh you don't have to take your shoes-" he rushed but halted when you faced your palm with him. "I want to, I am not going to let my feet be squeezed lemons, thank you very much."

He nodded quietly.

"Soooo..." the man awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, "Want anything to eat?" He frowned when you didn't reply.

"Sorry, did you say something?" you asked as you put your jacket away. "Wanna eat anything?" he repeated. "Eat? Oh yes! But nothing too much- Wait hold up. You just came from work. Oh man, I remember when I was a firefighter, I was starving when work finally ended. Would it be okay with you if I made you something?" Mateo smiled at you and nodded, "Y-yeah, sure. But I don't have much to make something of..." You grinned, the memories of being a rookie and having to make meals for the crew clouding your mind. "Shh... Let Chef (l/n) handle it!"

Mateo followed you after sometime and placed the pet foods on the counter. Immediately a clatter of nails dashing towards the kitchen was heard. You giggled as you saw Prince storm in by the sound of the food bags. "What the..." the younger adult mumbled. You just shook your head with a smile and returned to your search for food in his kitchen. Like he said, there wasn't much of it. Some takeout boxes were in the bin, so he probably lived off of that most of the time.

"Alright, one day, we're going grocery shopping, Teo," you told him. Finally you found a package of spaghetti in a drawer. You remembered seeing cheese in the fridge.

It was decided. You were gonna make mac and cheese.

~~~***~~~

You called for Mateo who was in the living room cuddling with Disney, an EpiPen in one hand and the other on the cat's back. "Sorry, can't come. I'm the chosen one- ACHOO!" he rejected your call. You - not knowing what's going on - frowned and went to see what the heck he was talking about. As you saw the cat curled up on the male, you grinned. "Okay, guess you have to starve then. By the way, any bowls or something I could place their food on?" Mateo was slowly letting his palm run over the calico's soft fur while sniffling, he didn't even look at you. "Mhmgh, if you're okay with paper plates then those are...uh... I think in the drawer under forks and knives. Oh and for water err.... Just take a random bowl that doesn't look too fancy."

"Okiedokie"

Mateo was carefully touching your kitty when all of a sudden, she woke up and stormed into the kitchen. "Huh?" Confused, he got up and followed the deaf cat.

When he entered the kitchen, both animals were chewing on the food. It wasn't nearly as high quality as what you usually bought them but they were hungry. You were putting cheese on your spaghetti. "Well look who came," you said amused as you pulled out a fork from the drawer.

He smiled and grabbed the other plate you had set aside for him. "Thanks for this, I normally don't have the energy to cook after work." His demeanor was a bit shy and you loved that. Some guys had approached you after the incident but had ran for the hills after finding out about your disabilty.

"Ya know Mateo, you are very cute," you complimented him out of nowhere. Startled, said man almost dropped his plate at your words, "W-What? I mean, thanks, uh, you're very too. I mean you're very cute too," he stuttered, tongue tied and blushing a little. He was avoiding your gaze, knowing he will say something stupid if he'll look at you.

You giggled at that and kept watching him, making him nervous.

~~~***~~~

It took months of cutting out your own desires, working overhours, missing out on nights of fun and doing DIY to get your apartment back to what looked like a normal home from a place that looked like a hurricane hit it. Mateo helped you out a lot through that. Helping you choose things from IKEA, assemble the things you brought from IKEA, helping you clean out the place and treating Prince's injured paw while you couldn't. Getting a new TV was a big pain in the arse. Since it was so freaking expensive when you wanted a good one.

It would've taken you months until you could get one. But one day, you came home one day to find a brand new flatscreen attached to a wall in your living room. Bigger than your previous one for sure. Mateo had been at your place, having a day off and wanting to help you with the new coffee table since the previous one had been destroyed with claw marks and pet urine.

Immediately you bombed him with questions when you saw the thing on the wall, also feeling very mad that he got you something so expensive.

Mateo denied buying the TV and said it was.... Judd. You calmed down after a while

You put your information in and logged into your Netflix account. Mateo was about to leave when you offered that he could stay. He agreed immediately and happily plopped down on the sofa. You told him to find a good horror movie while you made something to eat.

You cut some fruits and also managed to find some chips. Not as traditional as popcorn but it'll do the job.

"What did you choose?" you asked happily while making yourself comfortable beside him and placing the snacks on the coffee table he had put together throughout the day. He had talent in it, for real.

"I mean, I don't really watch horror movies, so are you okay with Escape Room?" he asked hesitantly. You tongued your cheek and smiled, "Yeah sure."

Unlike most people, you liked the scary stuff. Enjoying the adrenaline that came when something terrifying happened. Doesn't mean you didn't hold onto Mateo sometimes but he was the more scared one. "Oh my God Teo, you're like a baby when watching this stuff," you giggled. "I'm sorry I made you watch this," you apologized while leaning your head against his shoulder. "What? No, I err... Really liked it. Yeah, it was... Awesome," he lied pathetically. You snorted and rubbed circles on Prince's stomach while the big dog lay on his back beside you.

After some silence, the firefighter opened his mouth. "So Y/n," he started. You shifted your head to look at him curiously. "What would be the perfect... date in your opinion?" he asked nervously. You rose your brow with surprise, the question unexpected. "Perfect date huh?" you thought for a bit and came up with an answer. "Well I'm not a huge fan of romantic dinners and stuff like that. Maybe camping? I really enjoy hiking and hiking with someone I care about would be lit. Those two love hikes too," you gestured at your furry friends, "Plus it isn't an expensive fun thing to do. Well unless you going all out. Which I don't normally."

"In that case, wanna go camping on the weekend?" he asked happily yet nervousness was as clear as a crystal in his voice. You smiled at him, "Of course," and laid your head on his chest.

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[malethirsty]

Is It? Can It Be? ... It Is! - AJ Styles

Summary: As the Superstar Adviser for The 29th Royal Rumble, you must keep a good connection with the 30 superstars, but when a Phenomenal Southern Gentleman enters the mix, everything turns upside down.

Warnings: M/M smut (21+), Bareback (Wrap Before You Tap)

Inspired By: https://twitter.com/malethirst/status/1196831539339726848?s=21

The 29th Royal Rumble was expected to be a massive WWE PPV, not only was Triple H making a return to the ring, but The Phenomenal AJ Styles was making his debut. As assistant to the wrestlers, it was your task to make sure that they were all cared for before, during & after The Rumble. Which meant no over exertion, no extra practice after breaks & no vanity searching should hateful messages cause a depressive state.

You knew you weren’t supposed to play favorites, but AJ was your favorite of the 30. Having come from many wrestling companies before, you expected him to be an over pompous cunt, but it was the reverse. Having arrived needing a fresh start from a divorce, he charmed you with his humor & kindness. He showed that preconceived notions about him (his infamous Gay Community moment) were behind him, in it’s place was a kind hearted & good natured person, who wanted to prove himself to the WWE Universe.

Everyday you would spend break time with him discussing life & you discussing what it was like at WWE for the past few years. “Thank you for taking the time out on little ol’ me. I bet you do this with all the new guys.” AJ said one lunch break, the two of you sitting at a bought out burger bar, you shook your head “Nah, this is beyond usual expectation, I want to spend time with you cause I like you.” A sudden pause, a brief silence, not brief enough for you to think ‘Oh Shit! I shouldn’t have told him!’ “Man that’s nice to hear!” AJ boomed in response, and you made sure to bring the topic back to friendship “Yeah, a bit of friendly connection never hurt.” “Exactly, if it makes you any better, I have friendly connection with you as well.” You paused, was AJ saying what you thought he was, or did he genuinely only see you as a friend? Your thoughts were interrupted by your food arriving.

After this when you interacted with AJ. things started getting tenser, he would take longer looks at you, would get massages from you & playfully flirt. You kept up with him happily, your crush on The Phenomenal One only growing, which would probably make you crash down when he inevitably turned you down you thought. These thoughts weighing heavily until the day of The Royal Rumble. To your absolute relief, everything went off without a hitch, the swerves were executed without a leak in place, superstars who were put over were put over & AJ’s debut sparked a massive flare in the crowd you hadn’t seen in ages. The only bad part of the rumble was AJ’s elimination, seeing him be eliminated by Kevin Owens made you both sad and furious but you rushed to his side to make sure he was ok “Yeah Y/N, I’m fine!” AJ puffed out “Well I need to make sure you’re rested up, let’s duck in here” you pulled him into the men’s changing rooms & placed him down on the bench. From where you were standing, you could see a bulge in AJ’s outfit, which made you deep breathe to keep your composure, you hoped AJ didn’t notice. “You did so well tonight, the WWE Universe loved you, you held your own against Roman, you’re gonna fit right in with us.” AJ grinned “I love you man” you grinned back “Same to you” beneath it hid a slight trickle of sadness, you’d never be able to tell him under threat of ruining your friendship with him. You were so caught up that you didn’t see AJ free his cock from his pants & begin to stroke it “Oh Shit! AJ, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, I’ll just go” you turned to leave when a hand grabbed your arm & pulled you back.

It was AJ’s “Y/N, Where the hell are you going?! I told you I loved you, get my cock out & you run, you scared or something?” You were very taken aback, you expected him to let you leave. “No, I didn’t think you wanted me.” AJ now looked shocked “How could I not want you Y/N?, you are so damn beautiful, so nice as well, you made me fall head over heels in love, something I never thought I’d do again, because of how amazing you are.” You were stunned, AJ Styles, The Phenomenal One, was in love with you! AJ leaned up & kissed you. It was nice deep & full of passion “And also, you’re so darn sexy, some days after spending time with you, I’d have to masturbate to get rid of my hard on’s.” Now that the shock was wearing down, you decided to make an impact. You went down & sucked AJ’s cock “Oh Jesus Fuck! Yeah Y/N, that’s it, wrap your pretty lips round my cock, suck it good.” You took on the superstar’s challenge, making sure to not use teeth as you bottomed out. “FUCK, I could cum from this alone & not need sex, it’s that damn good Y/N!” AJ’s hands removed both your clothing, and went through your hair, shoving you further down, before eventually pulling you off.

“You’re gonna have to be on the lookout for superstars who have been eliminated, let’s fuck so you can get back out.” You grinned “Yes daddy!” AJ groaned “Fuck baby boy, you’re making daddy very horny!” You noticed AJ’s cock was hardening even further as you sunk deep onto it, crying out as he started to thrust his cock in your ass. “Fuck Y/N, you’re nice and tight for me, I’m gonna fucking love taking you apart on my dick!” He set a fair pace at first, not giving you more than you could manage, before slamming into your prostate. “Oh fuck, there was one time where you moaned after tasting some fries and a chicken breast, and that fucking turned daddy on so much, so do it again” you did so, him rewarding you with a slap to your ass. AJ’s pace swung up another level. By this point both of you were lost, anyone could have heard you & you wouldn’t have cared, both of you only cared about the other. You took in all of AJ, him doing the same to you, appreciating that despite them both running on a crush that they were worried the other wouldn’t reciprocate, they had each other now. Eventually AJ leaned into the crook of your neck “Fuck Y/N, I’m gonna cum, where do you want it?” “Shoot in me AJ!” You moaned out. He let out a passionate growl & hit a pace so incredible that you could only let AJ know you would shoot your load seconds before you did. “Ah! There you go man! Fuck, now you’re like a vice! I’m gonna cum! Take all of my Phenomenal load! FUCK YEAH!” AJ let out a yell of triumph as he shot his load into your ass. You stayed still for a few moments, grinning at each other, knowing something big had happened, maybe a long relationship. This was interrupted through the announcement through the speakers ‘Kevin Owens has been eliminated’

“Shit! Get dressed now!” You were laughing as you located your clothes & got dressed “It’s funny how he’s next out after he knocked you out. Stupid bitch never knew not to mess with The Phenomenal One” AJ threw back his head, letting out a guttural laugh “I’ll see you back in my hotel room later, key is in my labelled box.” “Thanks for letting me know AJ, I can’t wait for another Phenomenal fuck.” “They Don’t Want None, but I’m glad you do.” Laughing at your gimmick humour, you left to find Kevin, with more of a spring in your step since the last time you saw him. 

[hachichimitsu2]

A Comprehensive List of Stan and Kyle Moments (I UPD8 AS I GO)

A Comprehensive List of Stan and Kyle Moments (I UPD8 AS I GO)

Hello. Yes, you heard me. Here are all the scenes that legit scream out “STYLE” in South Park, whether these scenes are too far of a reach or not. I mostly compiled this out of my very own convenience, and hopefully this’ll help you a whole lot too. This is extremely text heavy, so I’ll put this under “Read More”. I haven’t played any of the games, so I won’t be including it here at this time, so if you guys know any good moments from the games, please let me know and I’ll add it to the list.

Cherokee Hair Tampons:

- The entire goshdarn episode.

- Stan being concerned and distraught over a dying Kyle breaks my heart. He was even bawling next to Kenny.

- Stan willing to donate his kidney to Kyle, even if it’d hurt a lot.

- Stan knowing that Kyle ate a bean and bacon soup half an hour ago shows that he’s been by Kyle’s side for quite some time now.

- Stan holding onto Kyle while they were at Cartman’s house.

- “Dude, you’re my best friend. I don’t want you to die before I do...”

Super Best Friends:

- Yeah, um, this episode...is gay.

- Stan and Kyle entering the episode with ice cream cones while Butters and Cartman wondering where they got them from. It’s assumed Stan and Kyle were hanging out with each other off-screen.

- I think Kyle being convinced that he’s not “really happy” through brainwashing is parallel to Stan being convinced that he’s “depressed” by the Church of Scientology.

- Stan trying to help Kyle escape with him, not even mentioning this plan to Kenny, Cartman or even Butters.

- Stan and Kyle looking at each other with longing looks while dramatic music plays in the background. Ah yes. I am...not even joking...this legit happened.

- How to Find Your Boyfriend 101: “OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!!” “Y-you bastards...”

- Stan pleading Kyle not to kill himself and to hold his breath while being there for him.

- The ending where they call each other Super Best Friends and both proceed to beat up Cartman when he teased that they should make out.

Cartmanland:

- Stan comforting a distraught Kyle.

- @belovedhomosexuals mentioned that canonically, Stan helps Kyle with his hemorrhoid cream, and IM-

- Stan doing everything he can to get back at Cartman for Kyle’s sake.

- Stan demanding the doctor to wheel Kyle out to see Cartman in misery.

Asspen:

- “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HEATHER!!” >:(

- Kyle not wanting Stan to do the K-13. He doesn’t want him to die.

- Kyle holds a polaroid photo of the both of them. How cute. Does he bring it with him wherever he goes?

The Biggest Douche In The Universe:

- Stan not wanting to go back to Colorado without Kyle and does all he can to convince him that John Edward is a fraud.

Follow That Egg:

- They are dads.

- They take care of their egg really well.

- “As a matter of fact, it is the nicest hat I’ve ever known”

- They’re the reasons gays could get married.

- Stan getting jealous of Kyle being paired up with Wendy. It does seem like a reach I have to admit, but if you’re a Stylendy fan, then this one’s for you.

Return of Chef

- The iconic beginning “flashback” where they both look at the sunset together.

Smug Alert:

- Stan and Kyle meeting in the parking lot in the beginning when Kyle was helping his dad give fake tickets.

- Kyle being moved away from South Park has Stan write a song to get Kyle and his family to come back.

- The cute hug in the end.

Fantastic Easter Special

- Stan, out of breath, asks Kyle for help in protecting Snowball

- Kyle helping him out anyways even though he was busy with fingerprinting.

- Cinematic parallels of Kyle killing Jesus and Stan killing that alien in Pinewood Derby.

Imaginationland Trilogy

- Kyle calling Stan in the morning regarding the “dream.”

- Stan and Kyle, unsure of the notes, both trying to recall the Imagination song. It was cute.

- Stan being distraught when ManBearPig got a hold on Kyle. (I swear, I’ve used the word “distraught” for over 1948388 times now)

- Kyle communicating through Stan telepathically with his Imagination.

Guiltar Queer O

- The whole episode.

- “I know...I need you.”

- The whole episode was literally as if they went through a break up.

- They’re both in sync when playing, right up to their tongues up.

- “Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship!” (Foreshadowing for SOT?)

- Stan thinking of Kyle as he’s “driving”.

The List:

- Stan doing all he can to prove that Kyle is a handsome mf. Another episode that screams Stylendy rights.

You Got F’d in the A:

- Kyle being so happy to see Stan dancing back to the Orange County kids.

- It’s canon that Stan can dance well while Kyle doesn’t have rhythm whatsoever. Wouldn’t it be a cute idea for Stan to teach Kyle how to dance?

You Have 0 Friends

- Kyle pleading Stan to water his crops.

- A short detail but if you noticed when Kyle announced that they made an FB account for Stan, he only added himself as Stan’s friend. This means that Kyle legit “friended” himself in Stan’s profile and didn’t bother to add Kenny or Cartman to Stan’s friend list.

- “Yes. WE’RE REALLY GREAT FRIENDS STAN!!” :D

You’re Getting Old:

- Oof. Yeah....

- Stan obviously loves Kyle a whole lot, but him seeing Kyle slowly turn into a turd probably did break his heart little by little. And when I mean by probably, I mean massively.

- Kyle shouldn’t exactly be demonized for not being able to handle Stan’s cynicism. Because I think it’s ok to admit you can’t handle such emotional drainage even if coming from your SBF, but do mind that him leaving Stan was most likely NOT easy for him. It’s kinda sad that they’ve slowly drifted away since then. BUT NO I REFUSE TO LET THAT HAPPEN ;-;

Assburgers:

- “Fuck you Kyle! You’re a piece of shit...Kyle, I love you. You’re a piece if shit though, fuck you...! I love you...”

- Stan immediately going back to Kyle when he’s feeling “better”

- That McDonalds Exec. literally narrating Stan and Kyle’s current rocky relationship and not believing every second of if.

A Nightmare on Facetime:

- “WILL SOMEONE GET ME A CHARGER OVER HERE!!’

- Kyle bringing and guiding Stan through the iPad.

Ginger Cow:

- Jokes aside, when Stan was asking Kyle about Cartman’s farts, he was really sweet and understanding to him. He genuinely wants to understand why Kyle likes Cartman’s farts so much and knew something was up by the way Kyle was hiding things.

- I also like how he was not afraid to call Kyle a dick. I think a good level of transparency is needed in a healthy relationship. That’s just how they roll.

- Stan helping Kyle cover up in the end....though it did backfire.

Black Friday Trilogy:

- “DID KYLE KNOW ABOUT THIS?!” “Kyle thought of it.” ;-;

- Stan being grounded and Kyle apologizing at the other side of the door was peak gay angst level.

- “That’s just how Xbox people are...” D:

- Ok now for something sweet. In the deleted scene, Stan was showing Kyle how the playstation controller works and...wow.......what cute babies.

Prehistoric Ice Man:

- “Oh my god! They killed Kenny!!” *looks at Kyle* “What? I’m not talking to you anymore.”

- Them fighting and arguing was so adorable. Their voices were so squeaky and cute in this episode.

- “First one to die loses.” SOGKEKGKRI WHAT MORONS

- Stan and Kyle kind of awkwardly trying to start the fight reminds me of Tweek vs Craig.

Mexican Joker:

- Stan angrily sending Cartman to the detention center after hearing about him sending Kyle there.

Band in China:

- “kyyyyyyYYYYYLEEEE :D DUDE YOU’RE BACK!!”

- Stan making a death metal band because a.) He hates living in the farm and b.) He misses Kyle so hard.

Britney’s New Look:

- Another Stan and Kyle episode where they both realized how so far in the wrong they’re in, and they desperately want to fix it.

- Stan and Kyle giving up in the end and joining in the chant.

The Death of Eric Cartman:

- Stan offering Kyle money so he could buy milk for lunch.

Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub:

- “You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny.”

- When Kyle walks over in the end, Stan proceeds to complain to him how he had the worst night and they both go to Kyle’s house to hang.

The China Probrem

- In the beginning, Stan telling Kyle to refute Cartman’s racist sayings and got overly concerned when Kyle said he couldn’t do this anymore.

- Stan going in Kyle’s room to talk about moving on from what they’ve witnessed.

- Stan holding Kyle’s hand to run away in Kyle’s dream. Kyle waking up and crying when Stan wasn’t around to comfort him.

- Stan and Kyle crying in each other’s arms and telling each other “I love you”.

- Small detail but when they were leaving the attorney’s office and the attorney and the kids were crying altogether, Stan put a hand on Kyle to comfort him as they were crying.

The Mystery of the Urinal Deuce:

- Stan appearing in Kyle’s living room suddenly.

- “Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that?” Yeah I know Stan was trying to cover up what he just did by saying that but still.

Cartman Gets An Anal Probe:

- Stan helping Kyle save Ike.

- “Hahaha you farted.” WHAT GROSS DORKS

- Kyle telling a speech to the aliens and Stan remarking how beautiful it was.

A Very Crappy Christmas:

- Kyle calling Stan in the middle of the night to get the guys, and Stan answering all sleepily is so adorable.

- Stan and Kyle voice acting together.

- Stan and Kyle doing the stopmotion animation together.

- Stan and Kyle laughing when they had Stan voice act Cartman to say the “ham” line.

Fun With Veal:

- Kyle taking care of a sickly Stan despite being a bit of a germaphobe.

The Snuke:

- Stan coming over to a sick Kyle’s house immediately after school has been suspended.

Crack Baby Athletic Association:

- Stan not being afraid to call out on Kyle.

- Kyle snuck into Stan’s room and Stan was listening to him unfazed.

Quintuplets 2000:

- Them trying to do gymnastics.

Pee:

- Kyle getting disgusted after hearing Stan talk about how it’s normal for people to pee in pools and in the shower.

Butterballs:

- Kyle calling Stan out in the bathroom, and they have this long ass stare. Kyle knowing that Stan will be jackin it in San Diego.

Bike Parade:

- Stan making Kyle laugh.

Proper Condom Use

- Stan and Kyle playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll and roleplaying.

- “SCREAM FOR ME BITCH!” “AHHHHHHHHH”

- Stan and Kyle in the same car with their cute big heads protruding.

World War Zimmerman:

- Stan and Kyle playing football.

The Scoots:

- Once again, Stan and Kyle playing football.

City on the Edge of Forever:

- Stan saving Kyle in his dream.

- Stan and Kyle sitting a bit closer to each other than usual in Stan’s dream.

Grounded Vindaloop:

- The tetherball date.

- Stan and Kyle saying “fuck you” to Kenny.

Clubhouses:

- Stan reading Bebe’s note, and Kyle being unfazed about it later in the episode. It was never defined whether he was informed the note came from Bebe.

#REHASH:

- Stan and Kyle being called grandpas by the little kids.

Tegridy Farms:

- When one of Ike’s classmates blew smoke in front of Kyle, Stan got extremely defensive about it.

Raising the Bar:

- Stan informing Kyle that it isn’t cool to continue on with “Fatty Doo Doo”.

- Stan checking up on Kyle as he’s sitting alone and listening to him lament about how the bar has sunk so low because of people.

Go Fund Yourself:

- *looking at Kyle’s ass* Boy this is the life huh.

Truth and Advertising:

- Stan and Kyle fist fighting for real, and Tweek and Craig looking at them concerned since they rarely ever fight like this.

Conjoined Fetus Lady:

- Stan preparing to catch Kyle if ever he fails to catch the dodgeball.

Stanley’s Cup:

- THEIR YOUNGER SELVES PLAYING HOCKEY!

ManBearPig:

- Stan’s head on Kyle’s lap. It’s so beautifully rendered.

Board Girls:

- “Wow, you are really into board games.”

A Scause for Applause:

- Kyle confronts Stan about cutting the bracelet by saying Heidi Turner saw him with super glue.

The Death Camp of Tolerance:

- “KYLE! KYLE! YOU HAVE TO KEEP MAKING YOUR MACARONI PICTURES!!”

South Park Bigger, Longer and Uncut:

- Stan getting jealous that even Kyle is amazed at Gregory.

Cartman Join NAMBLA:

- Stan and Kyle putting their face against the glass.

Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics:

- Stan and Kyle making fun of Shelly behind her back.

Raisins:

- Kyle coming to visit Stan with the gang after the whole breakup.

- Kyle wanting Stan to be happy again by bringing him to Raisins.

- Kyle being annoyed over Stan being distraught over Wendy. Jealous?

Mr. Jefferson:

- When Stan hears a knock on his window, he assumes it’s Kyle.

- Stan and Kyle being good caretakers of Blanket.

- Stan and Kyle sleeping with Blanket.

[haloud]

into the palm of your hand ch. 2

- ao3 -

Jake is tall. That’s the first and only thing Michael notices about him. He has to unfold himself out of the chair to avoid banging his knees on the bottom of the table, and when he manages and pulls himself up to height he towers a good six inches over Alex and Michael both. He has a nice smile, too, if you’re into that sort of thing. And he’s beaming as the two of them approach, comes out to meet them with his hand already outstretched to shake, and Alex takes it, Jake pumping his arm up and down while he grins so big his face must be killing him. Michael hangs back to let the reunion happen, hands in his pockets, thumbs in his belt loops so he can tug at them with all the nervous twitching in his hands.

The restaurant is nice, but not too nice, not even by Roswell standards. Jake’s clearly made an attempt with his clothes, but his attempt is a business-casual button down with the top button undone and the sleeves rolled up to reveal his tanned forearms. His slacks are pressed and neat as a pin, but Michael won’t judge too harshly for that. His hair is still close-cropped like it was Halloween of 2009. He’s…yeah, he’s handsome, in a normal and kind way, an honest way that reminds Michael of the smell of the old hayloft in the summer and the feeling of straw on his back and warm hands exploring his body on a scratchy old blanket. Michael doesn’t trust easy, but if Jake’s calling up memories like that, he can let himself relax a little bit.

“Jake, this is Michael. My boyfriend.”

“Hey,” Michael says, taking Jake’s hand. His handshake is a little more subdued than the workout Alex got, but Jake is still firm and eager, and he hasn’t dropped that grin of his.

“Thanks for coming! I was a little worried when Alex said he’d like to bring you—thought I might be signing myself up for the third degree or something—but when I found out it was the same Michael I knew I had to meet you.”

“The same Michael?”

“Yeah.” Jake winks at him, and Michael’s eyebrows go up. “I’m happy for you guys.”

“Uh…thanks?”

“Should we sit?” Alex cuts in. The tips of his ears are bright red, and Michael’s eyebrows climb even further towards his hairline.

“It really is so good to see you,” Jake says as they take their chairs.

The second they’re seated, Alex grabs Michael’s knee in a vice grip, nails digging into the denim. His hand is a little sweaty, clammy when Michael covers it to try and settle him. Is Michael being here part of what’s making him so nervous?

“Gotta say, I was surprised to hear you re-upped this time,” Jake continues.

Alex clears his throat. “Yeah, well…you know how it is.”

“I do. And if nothing else, I’m glad it’s giving me an opportunity to work with you again.” Another ready smile follows right on the tail of the last one, even if this one is a little more subdued and sympathetic. “How do you feel about it, Michael?” He takes a sip of water, and his muddy hazel eyes are suddenly hawklike over the rim of the glass.

“Uh.” Alex’s hand digs into him harder, and Michael rubs the back of his hand with his thumb. Jake hasn’t even opened his menu yet; he watches and waits for his answer with that smile on his face and something dangerous in his eyes. “Uh,” Michael glances over at Alex, who is laser focused on his glass of water, face like stone. “Well, I mean, it’s what he—what we thought was best at the time, and since he was able to get it in his contract that he’d be staying put for a while, I was…fine.”

Oh, you know, I’m still working through the soul-crushing guilt that not only did Alex sell more of his life to the military to help me and mine but also I that I was too busy trying to drown myself in household chemicals to talk about it with him, but every relationship is a work in progress! Anyway, I’m an alien who’s wanted by the same government you serve for blowing up one of the black site prisons they use to experiment on my people and also for existing, how’s your mother in law doing?

“Fine, huh?”

“Jake,” Alex says.

“Okay, fine, I’m being a little intense. I’ve got family who don’t get why I stay,” he directs to Michael, then to Alex he says, “I got in a huge fight with Sarah over it, like, five hours before I got on the plane. Sorry for being weird.” He laughs and looks genuinely contrite.

Michael tries to relax, but Alex doesn’t lose any of the stiffness in his posture. He does at least stop squeezing Michael’s knee like he’s trying to rip his kneecap off, though, and Michael massages the back of his hand again.

“How is Sarah?” Alex asks, then to Michael he explains, “Jake’s sister.”

Jake shrugs, his massive hands coming up in an exaggerated ‘what can you do’ gesture. “She’s doing well. Divorced and remarried since the last time you saw her. Went back to school and got a teaching degree, and she’s real happy with the new guy, so. It’s just we still don’t see eye to eye on most things. But I’m happy for her.” He fishes his phone out of his pocket and holds it out to them, flicking through an album of pictures of what looks to be Sarah’s wedding day. From the pictures, Michael wouldn’t be surprised if she was even taller than Isobel, so it must run in the family. The last one in the album is of Jake on the dance floor with a guy in a matching vest, the two of them chest to chest and mouth to mouth, off in their own little world.

“That’s Rohit, my boyfriend. He couldn’t get away from work to come out here with me, but he’s visiting for the first time in about three weeks.”

Michael makes a sympathetic noise. “That sucks for you guys. Been together long?”

“Almost five years, right?” Alex says. “After you had your appendix out, wasn’t it?”

“Okay, the pictures are going away now,” Jake replies, his skin showing a blush way brighter than Alex’s does, “Didn’t realize I’d be roped into telling that story just for showing off my guy but okay I see how it is.”

Alex grins his sharp grin, finally looking up, and after one last brief squeeze his hand comes off Michael’s knee. “You should have been more prepared then, Lieutenant.”

“Let’s just say that the man I love is as patient as I am susceptible to the aftereffects of anesthesia and leave it at that, huh?”

Alex laughs, a true rocking-back-in-his-seat laugh, and it sets Michael fully at his ease, most comfortable letting Alex lead the emotional tone of the conversation. With the tension finally cut, Michael lets himself lean forward and rest his chin on his palm, watching Alex talk, letting the conversation flow over him without cutting in while Alex reconnects to his friend, talking more with his hands, laughing more easily. Jake seems kind of contagious that way, a smile and a laugh for everything—and he doesn’t try to freeze Michael out of the conversation, either, even though Michael is content to just sit there and not really listen and watch Alex talk and move. He’s gorgeous tonight, his shirt open a little at the neck, his long-fingered hand back on Michael’s knee, warm and caressing this time.

The conversation flows for a good couple hours. Michael is a convenient audience for them to share stories and relive them a little bit over again. Even when they’ve paid the bill and are getting up to leave, it’s with promises to do this again when Rohit is in town and Michael smiling to himself with a wry little smile because he’s the double dating kind now and goddamn if he isn’t happy about it.

Then, when they reach the parking lot, Jake stops.

“Hey, do you mind if I borrow him for a couple minutes before we head out?” Jake asks, inclining his chin toward Michael. Alex raises an eyebrow and glances between them, and Michael just shrugs his agreement.

With a bemused smile, Alex says, “Sure. I’ll be in the car.” He gives Michael’s shoulder a squeeze as he passes, and Michael looks around to watch him go, eyes on his back until he slips behind the driver’s side door.

Michael shoves his hands in his pockets for lack of anything else to do with them. If Jake wants to corner him to read him the riot act or tell him he’s not good enough for Alex or something he could have at least had the decency to do it somewhere Michael had something to lean against or sink into, to hold him up or have his back.

“You got the height advantage, but I’ll warn you—I’m scrappy,” Michael drawls.

“I’m…not going to hit you? What the hell, man.”

“Just like to be prepared. I got one of those faces.” Michael gives Jake a grin and a wink, but all Jake gives back is a concerned look starting to border on shrink-y, so Michael hurries on, “What’s up?”

“Okay. Okay.” He takes a huge breath like he’s psyching himself up for something. “There’s no socially acceptable way to say this, really, so I’m going to jump in.”

“I’ve never been socially acceptable a day in my life. Shoot.”

“Okay.” He takes another huge breath. “The first guy I loved was killed in a drive by when we were eighteen.”

Michael rocks back a bit at that, at the ice-cold awkward shock of someone else’s old grief. His eyes go huge and wide and he scrambles for something to say, something that’s different from the plain shit people spout.

Jake doesn’t wait for him to find it, though. “He was coming out of a club and a car jumped the curb and it was just…over. There was no real way to know if it was a hate crime or if the driver was just drunk. I was two hours away at school. We didn’t talk every day, so I didn’t even know for two weeks. His parents wouldn’t even let me go to the funeral, because I turned their son gay, and if he hadn’t been at a gay club then he’d still be alive.”

“Fuck, man.”

“I know. And I’m sorry to dump all that on you, but it’s important for what I need to tell you. It’s why I joined the Air Force in the first place—I was lost, depressed. I couldn’t keep going in school and I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to my hometown where everything would remind me of him, so I dropped out and joined up. And then I met Alex.”

Michael coughs to hide the catch of his breath. He can picture it so clearly—the way Alex looked with his hair shorn and his dark, dulled eyes set straight ahead, like the way he looked when Michael hid behind the neighbor’s car and risked getting hauled in for trespassing or—caught—so he could see Alex off that day he left to report for training.

“I was—I mean, I was a mess. Could barely keep it together. Kept getting everyone in trouble because of it, and he was so…when he cornered me one day, I honest to god thought he was going to kill me. But he helped me instead. Taught me how to keep my head down and survive, and I just…my story just came out. And after that, I didn’t know why until way later when he finally told me about what happened with his father before he enlisted, but we just kind of clung to each other.”

And again, Michael is relieved that Alex wasn’t as alone as Michael was, that even as tangled up and hurting and hollow as he must have been, he had someone to help him, someone to share that piece of himself with even when it was against the law. Michael owes this man, even if he wouldn’t accept it, even if Alex would deny it too. Michael’s in his debt.

“We dated for a little over a year before we broke up because we didn’t have a whole lot in common other than a little bit of shared trauma. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of chatty.” He winks. “And since I’d already spilled my tragic backstory, I wanted to talk about Jordan, like, all the time. Things I missed. Regrets I had. Fears. And Alex was a great listener…but not so great at reciprocity. He’d never let me in, never let me take any of his burdens on. Made me feel like a real dick. But there’s one thing he did let me do. Insisted, actually.”

“You don’t have to tell me this,” Michael says. He leans back as far as he can go without actually taking a step back, trying to give Jake space, trying not to look too interested. He’s hungry, yeah, for any scrap of information he can get about this part of Alex’s life. But if Alex wants him to know, he has to trust that Alex will tell him. It took a massive government conspiracy to get Michael to open up the first time. He can’t be overly critical of Alex’s struggle to do the same.

“I think I kind of do, actually.” Jake shoves his hands into his pockets and lets out a long breath, steaming the cold night air. “I don’t know if it’s for me or if it’s for Alex or what, but I think I should tell you this. You know…I look at him and I still see that nineteen year old kid. My escape. The only gay guy I knew, the only person who knew my grief. It’s not especially healthy. It’s a big part of the reason we’ve been avoiding each other for half a decade. But yeah, I think I need to do this for him more than anyone else.”

Well. What’s Michael supposed to do with that? At seventeen Alex had big, expressive eyes and he licked his lips as a nervous habit and Michael could have sat for hours in the too loud violent cafeteria watching him paint his nails from four tables away. He didn’t know Alex at nineteen, not really, but Jake did. And Michael wants to honor every version of Alex everywhere.

He sends a quick text: Jake caught me up talking about the good old days. You ok with that?

Alex types, then erases, then does so a couple more times before a reply finally comes through: I love you. Tell him I said thank you.

Michael slides his phone back into his pocket. “Okay. Hit me.”

“It’s just this.”

Jake holds out his phone, open to his contacts. And right there: Alex’s Michael.

Michael’s fingers tremble, just slightly, as he reaches out to take it, to hold it in his hands and marvel over it and what it could mean.

Jake shoves his hands back in his pockets. “I’ve had you in my phone for nine years. Don’t know if the number’s any good anymore, of course. But you were the one thing…he never wanted to talk about the past. He never wanted to talk about you. But before we deployed, he asked me…if anything happened to him, if I would talk to you. Tell you he was sorry. That he was always thinking of you. ‘Hear his voice for me one last time.’ That’s how he worded it. I’ve never been able to forget those words.”

Michael’s mouth is too numb to form any words at all. He’s all—cracked open, Alex has reached inside his chest and pried his ribs apart. Michael used to write Alex letters and burn them in his fire pit because smoke becomes air and particulates travel on the wind and there was as much chance of Alex breathing him in from a world away as there was him opening any letter Michael sent him. Then there are the letters he kept, the ones full of hope and pain and—Michael kept them, just in case, like he kept one of Alex’s too-small black hoodies, so that he’d have something to bury if the nightmare came to pass.

Alex’s Michael. It’s there like teardrops smearing the ink off his ten cent ballpoint pen. It’s there like a cotton sleeve held to his cheek on a sleepless night.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Jake says, slipping his phone out of Michael’s limp hand. The man has a smile for every occasion, and the one he’s wearing right now is sweet and sad. “I really am just so happy you guys found each other in the end. It was really nice to meet you, Michael. Thanks for helping me keep a promise, yeah?”

And with a jaunty two-fingered wave, Jake turns around and heads for his car, those long legs eating up space so quick that before Michael can process him leaving, he’s gone.

His phone buzzes: Just saw Jake’s car leaving. Everything ok?

Fine. Headsd yiour way, he responds. It takes him four tries to type the message even that legibly, his hands are shaking so bad.

He nearly jogs across the parking lot, fumbles with the handle before he can yank the door open and climb inside, climb over the gearshift still clumsy and needy to stuff his unsteady hands into Alex’s pockets.

“Hey,” Alex croons, cupping the back of his neck when Michael ducks in to rub his forehead against his shoulder, sawing out rough breaths in the space between them.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alex says, holding him close. “Whatever he had to say, it’s in the past. I’m here. You’re here. We are.”

There was a time when Michael laid on his back and begged the sky to let him stop needing Alex Manes, and there was a time it broke him that the begging didn’t work. And now he’s here, with Alex’s voice present and physical in his ear, the whole biological process of speaking, from the vibration of his chest to the movement of his throat and lips and tongue to the way his breath blows past the outside of Michael’s ear, and he’s home. He’s not alone.

“Michael?” A little bit of fear creeps into Alex’s voice, so Michael pulls back to look at him, blinks away the wobbly film of tears in his eyes.

“I just. Love you. God, I love you,” Michael rasps. He’s never going to stop saying it, now that he’s allowed, and it’s never going to feel any different. Like ripping the Band-Aid off a cut that’s all healed and feeling fresh air on the skin beneath.

“I love you too,” Alex whispers back, a kiss pressed to Michael’s temple, his other hand coming up to grab his waist.

“Take me home,” Michael says, but he doesn’t let go, not to let Alex drive or for any other reason, not for several long minutes.

[themjinterviews-blog]

33. I don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch can't get a dollar out of me.

What are your views on gay/bisexual people? No different than my views of heterosexual ones…I don’t judge people based on generic societal labels, race, religions or sexual preference. Whether I like someone or not entirely depends on their character and their actions as a human.

What stereotype do you think you fit into? I personally avoid stereotyping myself. If other people stereotype me without my awareness, I don’t care to know.

What is your favorite color(s)? Turquoise, yellow, bright purple.

What do you think about abortion? I neither promote it or protest it. Essentially, it’s not my place to tell people what to do with their bodies or babies.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Literally a bit of everything. With the only exception of music that is straight angry-screaming with no melody or lyrics.

What do you do in your free time? Write, make beats, hike, read, draw.

What do you like about most people? They're generally good natured folks just trying to understand their world and find some semblance of happiness.

What do you hate about yourself, if anything? I don’t hate anything about anything, including myself.

What would you do if you found a suitcase full of 9 million dollars? I’d love to keep it, but realistically, that’s a death sentence. Money in a suitcase almost indefinitely belongs to a crime lord, drug king pin or mob boss…and they usually don’t take kindly to being robbed.

What do you think will happen in 2012? Um, it has already happened. Google search 2012 events if you’re that curious.

What do you like about the person you like? Everything. He cracks me up and finds me funny. We have great adventures and conversations.

What are your views on rap music? Never used to like it because I assumed I wouldn’t. Since becoming more open-minded, I discovered I actually dig most rap music.

The WHO’S

Who would you trade places with for one day? Nobody. Too complicated.

Who would you push off a cliff if you had the chance? Mufasa… I’m jealous that he got to be King. I should’ve been fucking King.

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Brandon.

Who is your best friend? I suppose also Brandon.

Who is one person you really hate with a passion? Hating people is a relatively immature concept.

Who is someone you wish you got to know? Probably lots of people.

Who is someone you think is racist? My sister is a little bit racist. She doesn’t intend to be, I don’t think, but she can be so closed-minded about some stuff.

Who are three celebs you’d like to kick in the face? I’d like to kick a Real Housewife or two.

Who is someone you pretend to like? No reason to pretend to like anybody. I'm civil towards everyone and if I don’t particularly care for a certain individual, I simply refrain from associating with them.

Who do you think is a big creeper? Nobody in particular.

Who would you go to if you had a problem? Suppose it depends on the nature of my problem. If I have a cavity, I’d go to a Dentist. If I had a tax question, I'd go to my Dad…etc.

Who are 6 celebs you’d do anything to meet? Wouldn’t do *anything*…but it'd be cool to meet Chris Hemsworth, Gerard Butler, the lead singer of Volbeat, Lindsey Stirling, the Impractical Jokers and Eminem.

Who is your favorite relative? I can’t choose just one.

Who is one person you regret meeting? Nobody. Things don’t happen for a reason, but I’ve learned things from each bad experience or mean person.

The WHERE’s

Where would you go if you got kicked out of your place? Probably a friend’s place or a motel?

Where is one place you’d love to travel to? New Zealand.

Where were you born exactly? Exactly? Lol New York is specific enough for now.

Where is one place you would NEVER go to? The Arctic…cold, PolarBear-y hellscape.

Where is your favorite place to hang out? My own space…either my room or a little corner I can set up some writing stuff and pillows.

Where do you like to go to just be alone for a while? Anywhere I feel comfortable and uninterrupted.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Downstairs with the pup.

Where do you keep your old childhood memory items? In boxes or totes in a spare room at my folks.

Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere sunny, warm and quiet.

Where is the last place you hung out with a friend? We went to Cascade Lake with Laura and her pups for a hike.

Where on your body do you have a tattoo if any? One on my ankle, one in between my shoulders, one on my upper right arm.

Where on your body do you have a piercing if any? Gauged ears and lip piercing.

The WHEN’s

When have you felt most depressed in your life? I don’t think ever. I mean, there’s times I’ve felt like shit and didn’t know why or how to not…but I feel like I still somehow knew all unhappiness was just as temporary as the happiness was.

When have you been most happy in your life? I’m pretty content right now.

When do you like to just be by yourself? When doing creative projects, shopping or cleaning.

When did you pop out of your mother? (Birthday) September.

When did/do you want to move out of your parents house? I moved out a year or two after college. Moved back in once or twice, temporarily.

When did/are you going to graduate high school? High school in ’06, college in ’11.

When did you get your first piercing if any? Got my eyebrow pierced first year of college. Had to take it out for some job or another.

When do you think is a suitable age to die? There's no such thing as suitable age to die. Death kinda sucks at any age.

When did you first break a bone if ever? *knock on wood* Haven’t broke any.

When are you most happy? I have no idea. It varies.

When did school begin for you if you’re still in school? N/A. I’m old as fuck.

The WHY’s?

Why do most teens hate school? Because it's dominated by merciless social cliques and education designed around standardized test scores – not geared towards students developing genuine interest in the subjects.

Why are so many teens having sex/drinking/drugging already? There are so many factors that contribute to this. Society is different and kids are exposed to these concepts in ways that didn’t exist years ago.

Why did Kanye do what he did to Taylor Swift? Honestly don’t know what he did to her, but who the fuck knows.

Who do you think the Jonas Bros are gay, if you do? I haven’t listened to their music or know anything about them. But if they're gay, that’s okay. If they’re not, that’s also okay.

Why is Twilight so over-rated? I don’t know, never read it or watched it.

Why do so many people say your mom for nothing? I have no logical explanation for that phenomena.

Why are you taking this survey? Why not?

Why did the chicken cross the road? There was a troop of girl scouts selling cookies on the other side.

Why do you believe/not believe in God? There's no way to ever know if there’s a God or not. That leaves us with the option to blindly have faith in the agendas of organized religions or to constantly be skeptical. I choose the latter.

Why do you dislike the music you dislike? I don’t like music that’s literally just a dude roaring/screaming angrily the entire time. I need like, a catchy beat or melody or some lyrics.

Why did you and your last ex break up? The story is a massively intricate saga that can be succinctly summarized with ‘the guy was kind of a sociopath.’

The HOW’s

How have you been feeling lately? Pretty good, man.

How did you get your last bruise? No idea. I don’t think I even have any bruises.

How are you and your most recent ex? We don’t communicate.

How did you feel when Obama won the election? Not phased. Politics don’t interest me.

How do you feel about the Twilight series? Not my thing. I didn’t want to be associated with the typical Twilight fan base.

How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like all eggs hardboiled or made into like, egg salad.

How are your parents doing? They’re good. They just went to sleep.

How were you raised as a kid? Relatively sheltered, somewhat spoiled. My folks raised us great, in all honesty.

How was this survey? Good, thanks man.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Ao no Flag v1

Since I just imported this, and the next chapter should be translated in a day or two, I figured I may as well write up my thoughts on the first volume. I was gonna reread it to refresh my memory, but I didn’t get around to it, so I might be forgetting some things.

This isn’t really, like, a professional review, or anything, just my ramble-y thoughts.

TL;DR: This is both adorable and kinda heart-breaking and I love it. This hits basically all the right notes for me. It’s also a shounen rom-com/drama that has actual major LGBT characters so that’s pretty great! Seriously you guys read this manga. It’s already really great.

More under the cut.

Before I say anything else, let me just say that Taichi, Kuze, and Touma are my new fictional children and I adore them with all my heart. I’m basically a complete sucker for main character trios like this. Which is part of why I also enjoy stuff like Pandora Hearts and The Promised Neverland so much. We haven’t seen a lot of Masumi yet but once we do, I’ll probably love her too.

Also for the record I call her Masumi because ‘Itachi’ is way too confusing in a manga that has a protagonist called Taichi, lol.

Anyway, this manga is just great. I have a huge soft spot for this genre as a whole, but even then this one just speaks to me deeply. I haven’t even read anything else by this guy but I already like his style. This hits a really nice balance between drama and comedy and romance that not a lot of things hit.

Normally I tend to not care for the main m/f ships in these sorts of manga, but oh man I already love Taichi and Kuze’s entire dynamic. They’re such sweet, pure children and I just want them to be happy. They both feel like, well, actual teenagers who are still trying to figure out how feelings and relationships work. It’s really endearing. I especially love how determined and earnest Kuze is about her crush on Touma. But I also love how Taichi is just a bit of a mess who doesn’t really know how to reach out to people properly. They’re great. Also, I love the fact that they’re both super short. I was not at all prepared for the part where Taichi sees her from afar and is like ‘wow she’s really tiny’ and then he walks up to her and he’s like ‘jesus christ we’re basically the same height’. That was hilarious.

But of course, I can’t help but feel weirdly guilty about liking them together because that just gets us into the whole Touma thing. Oh boy. Touma, my sweet wonderful gay child, I feel so bad for you and all the drama I see in your future. I’m basically bracing myself right from the start for him to go through all sorts of angst in the future. It’s gonna be rough. Obviously I also ship him and Taichi together, but that’s probably not gonna work out, which kinda breaks my heart a bit.

Seriously though I just love Touma so much, he’s amazing. And I can’t stress enough how meaningful it is to have a major character like him in this sort of manga. It’s not like it’s never happened before [I think Love and Lies has a similar set-up??? Not sure. And then there’s other cases like Makoto from Fuuka and whatnot]. But it’s still important! It always warms my heart to see stuff like this happening more and more. I especially appreciate how Touma as a character, and his crush on Taichi, is already being set up as a surprising pivotal part of the whole story. It’s at least this major time-bomb being set up that’s gonna affect so many things. But I mean, it plays a huge part in his entire dynamic with Taichi, and I can only imagine how it’ll shake that up once Taichi finds out. It’s already setting up a whole lot of dramatic irony with how Taichi’s hung up on how Touma comes across as being ‘perfect’ and completely disconnected from him as a person, which is obviously not quite the case. There’s also a whole lot of dramatic irony going on as well with the fact that Kuze’s whole ‘I have a chance with Touma so I’m gonna pursue him’ attitude is just set up to fail now. And her whole plan to date him is already a pretty big part of the story, so once the other shoe drops then things are gonna change up massively. Especially since Taichi at this point is mostly bonding with her in terms of basically being her wingman. And, of course, it looks like Masumi knows about Touma being gay [and vice versa, I suppose], so if they’re gonna start their own little friendship then that’ll be a part of it.

I dunno how to put it, it’s just interesting to me that Touma’s sexuality isn’t just a joke, or a really minor thing off to the side, but a genuinely important part of the story that’s gonna shake things up massively once the other shoe drops. I like it.

I also appreciate that he’s designed as being conventionally masculine, and in a way that’s not done in a joke-y, exaggerated way for comedy. I feel like a lot of characters like Touma in shonen manga get depicted as one extreme or another, so it’s really cool to see how “normal” [for lack of a better word, I guess] he’s portrayed thus far. It’s just nice to see a gay teenage boy being written as an actual human being and not a stereotype. Obviously there’s a bit of contrast going on with how his outer persona doesn’t really match what he’s going through internally, but it’s more of a dramatic thing than a comedic thing, if that makes sense. In general the aspect of him being seemingly perfect and super popular and put-together but secretly having his own insecurities and struggles is really compelling.

Which is why I really liked that one scene with the tomato plant, which was also probably the scene that convinced me that he was indeed gay, and that the author was going to handle it well. I just love the delicacy of the writing in that scene, especially in hindsight. It’s a wonderful depiction of the kind of moment where you see someone’s mask drop a little and you get a glimpse at who they are inside, but you don’t know enough about them to know what’s going on. It was also a nice scene to help establish why Kuze’s so into him.

I’m also excited to see more of his brother and his brother’s wife [though I guess we technically haven’t seen his brother in person yet at all, I think]. They seem cool. There’s not much to say about them yet, but I do find it a bit amusing how it kinda feels like his brother’s wife was designed to fit Touma’s made-up ‘type’. It makes her feel like a bit of a red herring to make people think he was telling the truth, even though that got almost immediately shot down. But at the same time I don’t remember the story ever, like, going out of it’s way to be all wink wink nudge nudge about it, which I appreciate. It really works as a twist on the reader’s assumptions. I saw a fair few people elsewhere assume that Touma had a crush on her, so I have a feeling that was the author’s intention.

Basically Touma is just my child and I want to hold and protect him. I hope he gets his own happy ending by the time this wraps up, one way or another. He deserves it. I could live with him just being happily single by the end, even if that’d obviously be the depressing option. Even if it’d be bittersweet in it’s own way, it’d be nice to hypothetically see him decide to move on, and end up with an entirely different guy. I feel like manga aimed at teenagers in general tend to act like your first crush is, like, the only person you’re ever gonna have feelings for in your entire life and if it doesn’t work out then WELP SUCKS TO BE YOU, so it’d be neat to see this sorta manga make it clear that even if you have unrequited feelings for someone it’s not the end of the world, and you can move on and find someone else to love in the future. We’ll see.

Mostly I just really hope that this doesn’t end with Touma and Masumi hooking up as some sorta weird consolation prize. In general it’d feel too neat and easy if the main four can get paired up into convenient pairs like that, and I feel like Touma’s whole deal would just be more . . . compelling, I suppose, if he’s exclusively gay, and not bi. I mean, him being exclusively gay would also really drive a wedge in Kuze’s whole plan of action, like I said above, and that definitely seems like what’s being set up. So yeah.

I don’t really have a whole lot to say about Masumi since she hasn’t had a lot of screen-time, but we’ll obviously see more of her now so that’s nice. Obviously I also really appreciate the fact that she seems to be a lesbian, even if her feelings also probably won’t work out in the end. It kinda surprised me how, uh, vicious she got with Taichi, but I like that she apologized afterward in her own awkward way. That’s nice. I hope she gets to become part of the main gang.

I really REALLY love the entire scene between them on the roof-top at the end of the volume. That was great. I actually got vaguely spoiled about it in advance but I didn’t know the full context of it so the scene still surprised me when I read it. I wasn’t expecting them but to all but spell out that both of them are gay by the end of the first volume. They even had to do the dramatic ‘scene goes silent right when important thing is said’ trope right when Masumi probably literally spelled out that Touma’s gay. I really wasn’t expecting how goddamn dramatic it was. Like wow. You could basically feel the tension going on between them. I wasn’t expecting to see Touma be absolutely terrified by the idea that Masumi might have outed him without his consent. That kinda tore at my heart. I feel you so much, Touma, I really do. Thankfully she didn’t, so that’s nice. I’m glad she’s agreeing to keep it a secret for him.

I also love and adore how she pretty much laid out exactly what I’d been thinking, and immediately spelled out the fact that he was lying about his ‘type’, and that the only truthful part was the black hair bit. I’m so glad that got called out by the end of this volume instead of being dragged out unnecessarily. It was pretty dang obvious, at least. Although it does make me wonder exactly how Masumi ‘figured it out’. She doesn’t seem to be close to him as a person, and his crush is mostly obvious to us as the reader. So I wonder if maybe she’s been observing him for a while, and has been piecing it together.

It’s pretty interesting to look back over the entire volume now that it’s over. I mean, it was fairly obvious from early on that Touma is gay, but still, it’s REALLY obvious now. There’s a lot of parts that pretty overtly lay it out. The part in chapter four, I think, where we get the flashback to him and Taichi as kids, and we see the actual moment where Touma lied about his type, it’s SUPER obvious what’s going on. What with him basing his preferred type directly off of Taichi’s height [with an extra amount added], the dramatic close-up of him staring at Taichi when he talks about liking black hair, him immediately turning away afterward and rattling off some other traits to throw him off the trail, etc etc. And other than that you have stuff like the tomato plant scene and so on. There’s also the fact that the cover of volume one is of the main trio standing in a triangle with Kuze looking at Touma, and Touma looking at Taichi, and the insert page thing at the start of the volume is of them making a triangle with their fingers. It’s not exactly subtle, lol.

Anyway, I guess I should talk about predictions and stuff for what’ll happen next, now that we’re right about to get into v2. I guess I don’t have a lot to say other than what I said about how once Taichi and Kuze figure out what’s going on, it’s gonna REALLY shake up their relationship with Touma. Which will be interesting to see. But I feel like it’ll take a while to happen. Other than that . . . well, obviously I want to see more of Masumi, and I hope that Touma’s brother and his brother’s wife end up being recurring side characters. That’d be neat. I’m also wondering if the baseball element might get more important later. It looks like the author’s mostly done sports manga in the past, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes more of a big thing to the story.

Oh yeah, and everyone should read the bonus pages that recently got translated, that came with the first volume. They contain a really short preview for v2, which is already hinting at a whole lot of angst and drama. There’s not really a lot to it as a preview, but one kinda surprising thing about it is that it looks like Taichi is notably taller. Like, a few inches taller. I kinda wasn’t expecting that, but I guess it makes sense. You can also kinda see it on v2′s cover, a bit. We also got a glimpse at what seems to be a new character in the last panel of it. Not sure what her deal is but she looks upset about . . . something, lol.

Also the bonus pages contain a short bonus chapter about how Taichi and Touma first met and I swear to god it’s the cutest thing in the world. I probably should have expected that they first met and bonded over their battle pencils. But seriously, holy shit, little schoolboy Touma blushing and talking excitedly about how Taichi is the coolest person he’s ever met is just! so! ADORABLE! AAAH! I wonder what bonus things the other volumes will contain.

I’m glad that the scanlators have access to the digital raws for the rest of the series now, so we don’t have to wait until each volume comes out for them to translate it. I’m really excited to see chapter six come out in a day or two. It’ll suck when we catch up and have to deal with the two-week release schedule this has in Japan. Oh well.

[I dunno where to fit this, but as a side note, I LOVE how the volume covers for this series look, thus far. Now that we’ve seen the first two. They’re all so beautiful and delicate and sorta watercolour-y. It’s not a style you see often in manga volume covers. But I love it. Honestly like 10% of my reason for importing this series is because I love how the volumes look. I’m kinda superficial like that, lol. The aesthetic this series has in general is really nice]

And yeah as I said at the start of this, I just ordered the first volume of this today from CDJapan. I made a post a while ago about how I was going to import every volume of this if it followed through with the LGBT representation, so I’m sticking to my word on that. This is gonna be the first Japanese volume of manga I’ll own, so that’ll be neat! I’m not really interested in importing a lot of stuff in general, so for the most part I’m sticking to importing different types of manga with good LGBT rep in them, since I’m passionate about this sorta thing. I just want to financially support these types of manga in whatever way I can. Which is also why I’ve started importing Shimanami Tasogare, which is basically one of the best LGBT manga out there. Also manga is just way easier and cheaper to buy/import than something like, say, anime. Sure I’d love to import the Japanese blu-rays of Yuri on Ice but holy shit I do not have the money for that. Even getting the English release of that is gonna be tight. But yeah it really doesn’t cost me a lot to import manga like this so I figured I may as well. It’s gonna take ages for it to get here, but that’s fine.