#th: ... egads.

[mrmeepsmadmind]

thunderhowl doesn't even like to lick mechs (he'll sometimes lick rocks or random objects to help decipher what it is if his smells can't help with its history) because he likes to keep up his elegant knightly air but. also. he likes seeing that seemingly impenetrable wall of soundwave's superiority complex Crack a little with the impudence of Utter Disgust

[hislittleraincloud]

They gave her fake acne…

...and in an instant, the whole of the Jennanites became Dr. Pimple Poppers. ~ Jennesians, 12:18

[dorkhellbside]

Putting all dirks into a terrarium so I can study th- egads they are making snuff films of each other

to be honest the problem would be like 75% solved if we quarantined ult dirk, scratch and cal

[sepublic]

Steamed Troopers

-

Inspired by @coldgoldlazarus's hilarious headcanon on the Beam Troopers' lore/gameplay disrepancies

-

Ridley: Well Science Team, I made it. Despite your enhancements.

Science Team: Ah, Lord Ridley, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable demonstration!

Ridley: Eh.

*Science Team checks on their facility within the Phazon Mines, only to see Samus has already destroyed the place*

Science Team: Oh egads! Our beam prototypes are ruined! But what if... We were to take the Chozo doors and disguise them as reverse-engineered beam tech? Hohohohoho, delightfully devilish, Science Team!

*Science Team crouches to uninstall the Chozo doors for reverse-engineering, when Ridley flies in*

Ridley: Ah-

"Science Team with their crazy explanations, Meta Ridley's gonna need his cybernetics, when he hears Science Team's lame exaggerations there'll be trouble on Tallon IV, tonight!"

Ridley: SCIENCE TEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!

Science Team: Lord Ridley! We were just, uh, going into Morph Ball mode. Maru Mari technique, care to join us?

Ridley: Why is there smoke coming from the Phazon Mines, Science Team?

Science Team: Uhm- Oh! That isn't smoke, it's steam, steam from the Steam Troopers we're developing! Arrrr Steam Troopers!

*Ridley, suspicious, leaves; Science Team sighs in relief and starts work on repurposing door technology, and returns later with their new unit*

Science Team: Lord Ridley, I hope you're ready for our Beam Trooper demonstration.

Ridley: I thought we were having a Steam Trooper demonstration.

Science Team: D'oh, NO, we said Beam Troopers! That's what we call our reverse-engineered Chozo tech.

Ridley: You call these enemies Beam Troopers?

Science Team: Yes, it's from a regional version of the game.

Ridley: Uh-huh, uh what region?

Science Team: Uh, the Western version.

Ridley: Really. Well I've been included since the original North American release, and I've never seen the name ‘Beam Troopers’.

Science Team: Oh, not in the NTSC version, no, it's from the European PAL update.

Ridley: I see.

*Ridley watches the Beam Troopers show off their 'new' weaponry*

Ridley: You know these Beam Troopers function quite similarly to the doors the Chozo left behind.

Science Team: D'hohohoho no, the Hunter's repurposed beams, old Chozo design!

Ridley: For Beam Troopers.

Science Team: Yes!

Ridley: Yes, and you call them Beam Troopers, despite the fact that they are obviously using the same lasers as standard pirates.

*Samus' rampage continues within the Phazon Mines, right around the corner*

Science Team: ...Y-You know the- One thing I sh- ...'Scuse us for one second.

Ridley: Of course.

*Science Team checks up on the Phazon Mines and then returns*

Science Team: *Loudly, exaggeratedly yawns* Well, that was wonderful. Good times was had by all, we're pooped.

Ridley: Yes, I should be- GOOD LORD what is happening in there?!

Science Team: The Impact Crater?

Ridley: Th- The Impact Crater?! At this stage of the game, in this region of the planet, without any of the Chozo artifacts, localized ENTIRELY within the Phazon Mines?!

Science Team: Yes!

Ridley: ...May I see it?

Science Team: ...No.

*Ridley and Science Team begin to make their leave*

Omega Pirate: Science Team! The Hunter is destroying us!

Science Team: No Upsilon, it's just Red Phazon.

Ridley: Well Science Team, you are some odd fellows, but I must say: You Beam a good Trooper.

Omega Pirate: Heeeelp! HEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!

*Ridley notices, but is reassured by Science Team's thumbs-up; He flies over to the Artifact Temple while Science Team attempts to recover the damage in the Phazon Mines*

[mermaidsirennikita]

Too bad now you have to give recs of "hero goes down on the clueless heroine and she’s like wow thanks that was AMAZING, can women do that to men too? 🤔 " haha

I love the clueless heroine going down on the hero, she has no idea what she is doing but her eagerness makes it a 10, Best blow job of my life 🤌🏻

@hptriviachamp posts every time the latter thing happens with a very apt meme that makes me laugh every time (IT AIN'T MUCH BUT IT'S HONEST WORK)

I can't remember a lot of PARTICULAR moments, but for these moments or this vibe:

You should definitely try Elisa Braden for this vibe. Mooost of her heroines are virgins (honestly: too many of them for me lol, I do need a bit more variation) and they're often all "WHAT'S THIS BUTTON DO" about sex. Her Midnight in Scotland series is really good. I think The Taming of a Highlander is the one where the hero is like "THERE'S NO WAY IT'LL FIT. WE MUSTN'T." and she's like "la la la it grows exponentially bigger when I look at it, I suppose I shall attempt to stuff it in la di da" blase about it.

One Good Earl Deserves a Lover by Sarah MacLean, one of her best. The heroine's a scientist who initially gets the hero to teach her about sex only! Verbally! Before graduating to physically! Also! She's very "if he'd let me study his penis with a magnifying glass I would" in nature. I also really enjoy the scene where he eats her out, comes in his pants, and immediately afterward is caught when his buddy stumbles in like "hey where do we keep th--OH. SORRY."

The Duke Gets Desperate by Diana Quincy doesn't have this scene/a totally clueless heroine, but it does have a scene where the hero is like "my dick is trying to make friends with your pussy" so there's that.

And in the same sense, because I fucking know these authors are friends and there's no way this was a total coincidence... Frankie in Mila Finelli's Mafia Mistress & Mafia Darling is NOT a virgin by any means. But when she and Fausto make it official, they do immediately roleplay him deflowering her as if she has literally never seen a dick in her life and it's HILARIOUS. Like these are DEEPLY COMMITTED people going "oh no! what's that????" "it's my dick! it's trying to say hello!" and I. Die. Not only because it's very funny, but because it actually makes their relationship more authentic to me. That's the kind of shit you only do with someone you deeply trust lmao.

Grace Callaway is gonna give you this vibe. Not all of her heroines are virgins, but the ones who are... often are precocious... and will like stuff their mouths with the hero's dick like they're doing the chubby bunny challenge.... The Duke Who Knew Too Much comes to mind because he's like "NO WAIT STOP THERE'S CRIME AFOOT" but she's already going for it.

Speaking of, Elizabeth Hoyt's Duke of Pleasure always deserves cred for the singular moment in which the hero and (virgin, grew up as a street rat dressed as a boy) heroine are investigating crime and some evildoers come upon them and he's like "quick just pretend you're blowing me" and she does start like, a mild actual beej while he's telling the guys "PLEASE LEAVE I'M GETTING BLOWN BY MY DOXY~" but after the guys leave he's all "so you can stop" and she's like "no no no I'm going somewhere with this". This one is special to me because he makes her spit into his fancy handkerchief after and I promise that even if he didn't know it that's when he decided to marry that girl.

I would say How to Marry a Marquess is one you should check out--by Stacy Reid. It's a classic "brother's best friend teaches me how to be sexy and then things get Really Outta Hand" book. I also really liked this one scene in it when his whole "let me teach you what dudes are into" thing leads to him like, eating her out in a moving carriage and when the carriage stops he does an entire "EGADS" jump off of her.

I need to reread The Lady Gets Lucky, but that's a rake meets virgin sex lessons book, and I have to think based off the scene I remember where he's like 30 seconds away from coming just from watching her lick her lips, there's a lot happening.

[articwolfclawartist]

“So… what?”

Egad! What is that?! Could it be…? It is! An animation! I thought they were extinct on this blog! Jefferson! Get the camera! We must document this! An animation of my character Hope. An interesting thing I discovered while making this is the realization that the mouth shape for “s” didn’t feel right, but the shape for “th” did. It made me realize that’s probably how she pronounces her S’s due to her fangs. Kinda of a “sth” sound, like a lisp but not quite. Had so much fun with this!

[poisoned-ai-data]

uwu sweamed hwams

(doowbeww wings)

[superintendent chalmers] weww, seymouw, i made it… Despite youw diwections.

[principal skinner] ahhh, supewintendent chawmews! wewcome! i hope you'we pwepawed fow an unfowgettabwe wuncheon.

[superintendent chalmers] nyeh…

(pwincipaw skinnew exits into the kitchen)

[principal skinner] gasp! oh egads! my woast is wuined! but what if… I wewe to puwchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? oh ho ho ho ho ho! dewightfuwwy deviwish, seymouw.

(pwincipaw skinnew takes off his apwon and opens the window. He puts his weg ovew the window, attempting to step outside. Befowe he can weave, supewintendent chawmews entews the kitchen)

[superintendent chalmers] uh--

[theme song] skinnew, with his cwazy expwanations, the supewintendent's gonna need his medication. when he heaws skinnew's wame exaggewations, thewe'ww be twoubwe in town - tonight. [superintendent chalmers] seymour!!!!!!!

[principal skinner] supewintendent, i was just-- uh, just stwetching my cawves on the windowsiww. Isometwic exewcise! cawe to join me?

[superintendent chalmers] why is thewe smoke coming out of youw oven, seymouw?

[principal skinner] uh… Ooh! that isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam fwom the steamed cwams we'we having. Mmmm. Steamed cwams!

(supewintendent chawmews exits the kitchen)

[principal skinner] whew…

(pwincipaw skinnew weaves the kitchen fwom the windowsiww and wuns acwoss the woad into kwusty buwgew to puwchase hambuwgews)

[principal skinner] supewintendent, i hope you'we weady fow mouth-watewing hambuwgews.

[superintendent chalmers] i thought we wewe having steamed cwams.

[principal skinner] d'oh no, i said steamed hams! that's what i caww hambuwgews. [superintendent chalmers] you caww hambuwgews 'steamed hams'?

[principal skinner] yes! it's a wegionaw diawect.

[superintendent chalmers] uh-huh. What wegion?

[principal skinner] uhhh-upstate new yowk?

[superintendent chalmers] reawwy. Weww, i'm fwom utica and i've nevew heawd anyone use the phwase 'steamed hams'.

[principal skinner] oh, not in utica, no, it's an awbany expwession.

[superintendent chalmers] i see.

(supewintendent chawmews takes a bite fwom the hambuwgew)

[superintendent chalmers] you know, these hambuwgews awe quite simiwaw to the ones they have at kwusty buwgew. [principal skinner] oh ho ho ho no! patented skinnew buwgews; owd famiwy wecipe!

[superintendent chalmers] fow steamed hams?

[principal skinner] yes.

[superintendent chalmers] yes, and you caww them steamed hams, despite the fact that they awe obviouswy gwiwwed.

[principal skinner] y-- you know th-- one thing i sh-- 'scuse me fow one second…

[superintendent chalmers] of couwse.

(pwincipaw skinnew weaves the tabwe and opens the kitchen doow wawking inside. As the doow swings open, it is cweaw that the kitchen is on fiwe. He wawks back out and yawns)

[principal skinner] weww, that was wondewfuw. Good time was had by aww, i'm pooped.

[superintendent chalmers] yes, i shouwd be---

(supewintendent chawmews notices the fiwe thwough the swinging kitchen doow)

[superintendent chalmers] good lord! what is happening in thewe?

[principal skinner] auwowa boweawis.

[superintendent chalmers] a---auwowa boweawis? at this time of yeaw! at this time of day! in this pawt of the countwy! locawized entiwewy within youw kitchen?!?

[principal skinner] yes.

[superintendent chalmers] may i see it?

[principal skinner] no.

(pwincipaw skinnew weads supewintendent chawmews outside)

[skinner's mother] seymouw! the house is on fiwe!

[principal skinner] no, mothew, it's just the nowthewn lights.

[superintendent chalmers] weww, seymouw, you awe an odd fewwow, but i must say - you steam a good ham.

(supewintendent chawmews stawts to wawk away. Pwincipaw skinnew stands in fwont of his buwning house)

[skinner's mother] heeeeewp! heeeeeeeelp!!!

[bones-mcjones-incorporated]

EGADS!!

hot diggity it's been a hot minute since posting on here (the tom blur).

anyway @cosmogyros has made the grave mistake of tagging me and awakening me from my crypt. be forewarned that the end is nigh UwU

anyway

Donovan - Wear Your Love Like Heaven

Van Der Graaf Generator - Squid/Octopus

Bob Dylan - Mama, You Been On My Mind

The Who - The Punk And The Godfather

The Moody Blues - Candle Of Life

Premiata Forneria Marconi - Per un Amico (really hard pick - literally any song of that album is a strong contender)

Simon & Garfunkel - Richard Cory

Genesis - The Knife (also a really hard pick... you could ask me again in an hour and I'd have a completely different answer with the exact same level of conviction)

The Byrds - Renaissance Fair

The Smiths - Still Ill

The Velvet Underground - Heroin

The Pretty th... hey wait a fuckin minute. why is the #11 ever so slightly offset to the right. am I the only one seeing this right now? you've gotta be shitting my dick right now. I can't go on like this anymore. this is my last straw. anyway, The Pretty Things - Walking Through My Dreams

Nektar - A Tab In The Ocean

Jethro Tull - Thick As A Brick (yeah, I know. i'm basic)

The Kinks - Autumn Almanac

doing this physically hurt so much that I experienced a VIOLENT BRAIN HEMORRHAGE and I am now self-medicating with copious amounts of medical marijuana because I don't believe in that woke HOSPITAL shit. anyways blue skidoo motherfuckers

@obamawhitehouse (I'd tag more people but I'm in a rush rn)

List fifteen bands/artists you love, and name your favorite song by each. No need to rank, just fifteen artists you love and what is THE SONG for you by each.

I got tagged by @noisecatcher, thank you! I love music tag games :D

It was sooo hard to pick only 15... this is a random selection, basically. And then once I'd selected the artists, you expect me to choose a SINGLE favorite song? Impossible. Again, I just picked one song I love for each. Believe me, I have many more favorites.

The Replacements - Sixteen Blue

Neil Young - Driveby

Janis Joplin - Maybe

Bob Dylan - Most of the Time

Nina Simone - I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl

The Band - Hobo Jungle

Jonathan Richman - Let Her Go Into the Darkness

The Clash - Lost in the Supermarket

The Felice Brothers - Got What I Need

Les Cowboys fringants - L'Amérique pleure

Mighty Sparrow - Only a Fool

Warren Zevon - Empty-Handed Heart

Lyle Lovett - The Waltzing Fool

Orchestra Baobab - Bikowa

I am tagging... @bones-mcjones-incorporated @moronicbehavior @musical-blathering-idiot @slowtraincumming @meadow-dusk @mynamemeanscloud @wonky-venus @salvadorbonaparte

[mothmandibles]

it feels so crazy that chapter 2 is actually done... like, that is a Solid Amount Of Progress, tangibly, finished, done, of the story.. ah... wehehe.. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ im so happy

[usamey]

romantically f/oing someone’s familial f/o is a fucking TRIP

[fandomlurker]

A Ponderous Rewatch: Pavlov’s Mice and Cameo

So thanks to Tumblr nerfing my ability to make an admittedly absurdly long post combining the previous episode rewatch with this one, I had to do this entry in two parts.

But at least now we’re in for the real treat: The first episode in airing order that’s animated by TMS Entertainment. And hey, even the Animaniacs show itself seems to acknowledge that this is special, because theme song rhyme is…

We're Animanie! Totally insane-y!~

Pinky and the Brainy!~

…which hasn’t been done since their debut. So this is gonna be fun.

Might as well get this out of the way, then, since this episode obviously involves Ivan Pavlov. I think most people who know of Pavlov through cultural osmosis pretty much know him as just “that one scientist who got dogs to respond to the sound of bells as if they were being offered food”. This is what happened, but it’s only part of the story. In reality, Ivan Pavlov was doing research on the physiology of digestion in dogs and he noticed one day that the dogs he was studying started to drool in the mere presence of the lab technician who regularly fed them even if the technician didn’t have food with them. Pavlov developed a way to redirect the dogs’ digestive juices outside of the body so that they could be measured, and then he ran some conditioning experiments to see if he could get them to salivate in response to external stimuli that had nothing to do with food, like ringing a bell.

The year in the title card, 1904, was the year Ivan Pavlov was awarded the Nobel Prize for the previously mentioned experiments, which he published the results of in “The Work of the Digestive Glands” in 1897. Basically, by 1904 he was done with his work with dogs and he moved on to experimenting with mice…at least according to this article in National Geographic by Virgina Hughes.

With that, let’s begin the episode proper.

“At the dawn of the 20th century, Russian scientist, Ivan Pavlov, trained animals through his technique of conditioned reflex” says the narrator as we zoom in on a laboratory with Pavlov and our lovable mouse duo.

“Time to earn your dinner, my little mousey friends!”

It’s interesting how Pinky is the one that flinches uncomfortably at the loud sound of the gong while Brain simply snaps into his conditioned response. And that response? Uhhh…

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout.~”

“This is my handle, this is my spout.~”

(Is he…you know…?)

“When I get all steamed up, hear me shout!~”

“Tip me over and pour me out.~”

Oh no… This is a cute and funny scene and all, but when you know about Brain’s canonical issues with how he hates not being in control of a situation and all the traumas he’s endured (for those of you not in the know, yes, Brain does have a lot of trauma in his backstory that we learn about much later, both in the 90s spin-off and the reboot) regarding both general control and losing family and friends…there’s a bitter tinge to this scene.

He’s so embarrassed and humiliated.

He takes the cheese but he is positively fuming with rage, and I can’t exactly blame him from what I know about him.

This is made all the worse by Pinky’s innocent reaction to Brain’s little song and dance.

“Hahahahaha! Wonderful! Hahaha! EGAD, Brain, I could watch you do that dance all day! Haha, narf!”

For Pinky, this is harmless silliness and he gets to see Brain sing and dance and “have fun”, which is not a usual occurrence. But for Brain? Well...

“You have watched it all day, Pinky. Sixty-one times, to be exact. It’s a conditioned reflex to that infernal gong.”

“I’m powerless to stop it!”

Well, Brain, at the very least it’s not like you were a part of a more inhumane experiment like one regarding, say, learned helplessness or anything. …Oh wait. Whoops. (For those sensitive to animal abuse, I suggest refraining from clicking on the second link, and caution against clicking on the first if even more clinical text descriptions of such would upset you. The third link is spoilers for the reboot.)

All that aside, it seems like it’s Pinky’s turn. He gets the more traditional bell chime for his stimulus.

And the result is him going into an uncontrollable and very enthusiastic Slavic folk dance.

With violent results. I hope you appreciate that last screencap, as the animation goes by so quickly I had a lot of trouble isolating the part where Pinky kicks Brain and he goes flying.

Pinky is all too happy to get a reward of cheese, his favourite food, for doing something that he has no memory of.

“What’cha doin’ over there, Brain?”

“Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky.”

That’s not exactly fair, Brain, you know he has no control over this. To Brain’s credit, though, he doesn’t bop him or anything for kicking him involuntarily.

Pavlov leaves, playfully saying that he hopes the mice dream of cheese tonight, and the mice are immediately down to business.

“At last, he’s gone.”

“Now we can begin our conquest of the world!”

We’re already back to it being “our” conquest of the world, eh?

“Behold my latest creation, Pinky: The Vacuum-o-nator.”

Brain has never been good with naming things, has he? At least, not so far. I wonder if this will continue throughout the franchise?

Pinky is certainly very happy and impressed, though.

“It uses reverse air pressure to vacuum everything toward it.”

You know, I was just about to roast Brain for thinking that making a very odd version of a vacuum cleaner was such a brilliant thing, but then I remembered that this takes place in 1904. The vacuum cleaner as we know it was “invented independently by British engineer Hubert Cecil Booth and American inventor David T. Kenney” in 1901 according to Wikipedia, and portable vacuums were available to the general public starting in 1905.My apologies, Brain, that actually is very impressive.

Although, this all hinges on if the viewer considers episodes that take place in the past and/or at different locations than Acme Labs California to be mere Alternate Universe/What If? stories or Brain and Pinky using some kind of time machine to go to a different place and time for these episodes. (Before you tell me that this is just a cartoon and sicc the Please, Please Get a Life Foundation on me, I do this to have fun and maybe educate myself and the reader along the way. I promise I have a life. Barely.)

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Pinky?”

“Uhh… Yeah, Brain! But where are we gonna find rubber pants our size?”

Pinky, that’s… Listen, folks, don’t make the same mistake I did and google “rubber pants”. It’s not what you think it is. You will be disappointed.

BONK!

Seems like you’re enjoying yourself there, Pinky.

“No, Pinky. We’re going to use the Vacuum-o-nator to steal Russia’s crown jewels!”

Man, the animation for even this one small proclamation by Brain is so, so good. Brain standing authoritatively and holding the pen like a scepter or spear, the grand sweep of his arm as he says “no”, the serious and slightly menacing expression on his face, a violent and grabby swing of his arm on the word “steal”,  and a dramatic point and look up towards the sky when he finishes. TMS does great work, folks.

“Narf! Genius, Brain!”

Look at Brain’s satisfied smile at Pinky’s simple compliment. Remember what I said earlier about Brain going through his explanations to show off to and  impress Pinky? At this point I’m absolutely convinced that that’s why Brain turns up the theatrics more than necessary when going through his plans. After all, Pinky is (oddly and rather sadly) the only one in-universe who thinks Brain is a genius and a good person.

…Of course, the effect can sometimes be lessened by subsequent innocent bumbling.

“Turn it off, Pinky.”

He says this so exasperatedly yet so deadpan at the same time, it’s great.

“Oh! Right-o!”

Even Pinky immediately knows that he fucked up.

“Zort! Whew! Wild hairdo, Brain! Heh heh, I like it.”

He even pets Brain’s “hairdo”, aww. And though I personally could take or leave the ‘do, I like the pointed, sharp look this mishap’s given to his ears.

BONK!

“Now I feel cleansed.”

Okay, this one might have been a little too much, Brain.

“But Brain, aren’t the crown jewels always guarded by giant Cossacks?”

Well, Pinky, from what I know Cossacks were usually used extensively in the police force and as border guards during this time, so I guess that’s possible?

Brain picking the lock with the pen is a fun little detail.

“Don’t worry about the guards… For tonight, Pinky, at precisely 1 am, there’s a total lunar eclipse. “

Again, this is probably not a thing the average person could look up quickly and easily in the 90s and the writers most likely didn’t care about accuracy here, but there were no total lunar eclipses in 1904. There were some penumbral lunar eclipses in March and September of that year, though. Just a fun fact for you folks.

“The Earth’s shadow will completely cover the moon, blacking out all of St. Petersburg for a period of 30 seconds.”

Brain…?!? Brain, how did you get the diagram on that piece of paper to animate like that? What kind of Harry Potter-style magic bullshit is this?

I know this is a cartoon and all and I’m not truly upset but this honestly came out of nowhere and made me do a double-take.

“In that brief time, we will sneak past the Czar’s guards under the cover of darkness and steal the crown jewels…for he who controls the jewels controls Mother Russia!”

More dramatics!

“But…I thought your mother’s name was Désirée?”

I love Brain’s pose here. Very grumpy and sassy.

As for Pinky’s comment: We do get to meet Brain’s parents way later in the spin-off, though neither are addressed by any name. I’m taking this joke as canon anyway because it’s funny.

Well, well, well… Looks like we’re shaking things up a bit with an inking instead of a bonk. That’s gonna be a pain to get out of his white fur, though.

“Soon, Pinky, I will rule Russia…so from now on, call me Czar.”

Another sassy hand-on-hip pose.

“Right-o, Brain!”

“—eek! Czar Brain!”

“Come along, Pinky… Conquest awaits!”

Nice to know that despite the inking, Pinky’s still following him anyway. Plus he’s doing it with that fond look on his face again. Hmm…

What follows is a cute and ingenious sequence of Brain launching Pinky and himself through an open window via the spring force of a mousetrap. It goes by very quickly, but I just wanted to highlight a few things I managed to notice while pausing through it. Kudos to the animators again for these little details.

Pinky’s the one that wraps one arm around Brain’s shoulders so that Brain has both hands free to spring the mousetrap properly and so that they’ll be launched together.

Interestingly enough, Pinky’s the cautious one who braces for impact right away while Brain gleefully flies through the air with his arms outstretched.

The “camera” changes perspective and while Brain is still boldly flying forward with confidence, Pinky is still worried but has now opened his eyes as they fly towards the window.

Pinky’s still holding onto Brain and the Vacuum-o-nator as tight as he can. As they get closer to the window, however…

…Pinky seems to realize he’s going to smash into the wall above the window if he doesn’t let go, so he lets go of Brain. Brain doesn’t realize where his trajectory is taking him.

Pinky angles himself downward and through the open window, but it’s too late for Brain.

WHAM! RIP, Brain.

But his pain is not done! It looks like Pinky’s landing was in the soft snow. Meanwhile, Brain slides down onto the window and through the opening, only to bash into the lid of a garbage can, much to Pinky’s concern.

Then Brain falls headfirst into the snow.

And finally, Brain is clonked on the head by the same garbage can lid, which makes a loud gong noise. Someone get this poor mouse some Aspirin.

But since there was a gong noise, you all know what that means!

Cutely, Pinky joins in on the dance in the middle of it.

“Ha! Oh that was fun, Czar Brain! But let’s give it another go, right? Only this time with feeling!”

Man, that side-eye at the beginning from Brain…

Pinky’s body language is great in this episode, too. The gleeful flapping of his arms and feet and the “with feeling” gesture are fantastic examples of his more open and energetic nature coming through.

Oh hey, there’s that one shot of Brain being ticked off used in the spin-off theme song! I can’t exactly blame him for his anger here. He just went through a lot of pain in a short amount of time and was then involuntarily made to humiliate himself. Pinky doesn’t mean to be mean here—he genuinely wants to have some sing and dance fun with Brain—but it’s gotta sting to have the humiliation highlighted.

Pinky still doesn’t deserve a bonking for it, though. But it’s slapstick, so he’s fine.

Heh, “deliveries to rear” indeed.

Oh, are those jingle bells on a sleigh that I see?

Uh oh…

“No, Pinky… Not now!”

It cannot be stopped, Brain. He must dance!

Another quick detail as Brain launches himself at Pinky’s midsection to either topple him over or hold him still to get Pinky to stop.

Alas, Pinky’s dancing is too strong.

OUCH!

The face of regret.

His punishment is swiftly thwarted, though.

“…That was unpleasant.”

They take a different and more uneventful ride on a hay wagon to the palace.

I love the exaggerated perspective going on here.

Peekin’.

“We made it inside, Brain!”

“…’Czar Brain’.”

“Czar Brain.”

He says it so quietly and sweetly, aww.

“Yes, Pinky. There are fleeting moments when I even amaze myself.”

I…don’t know if it’s much of an accomplishment yet, Brain. Settle that ego down a bit.

Oh, that’s some classic Looney Tunes-style sneaking animation there.

Wait, why is the door to the treasure room just open behind them? Czar Nicolas II, what gives?

Speaking of…

Hello, Czar Nicolas II. I hope you’re enjoying your “eclipse party”. You only have another 14 years or so to live it up, after all.

“In just a few minutes, it’ll be totally dark and scary. OooOOoo!~ But don’t anyone touch me, I have cooties!”

I, uhhh. Okay, then.

Same, boys. Same. Best to get down to business.

“Behold the crown jewels of Mother Russia, Pinky. World conquest will soon be ours!”

Again, world conquest is “ours” and not just Brain’s. Also you can just tell Pinky’s thinking “I’m going to wear so much of this jewelry!”

“Now, Brain?”

“Not yet. Wait for the total eclipse.”

Speaking of…

“Complete darkness, Pinky. Start the Vacuum-o-nator…”

“NOW!”

That gonging noise is an interesting choice for a chime. Surely this ornate clock is only an omen of good things for our duo.

Pinky, you’re swooning again. And Brain…

Oh no.

Another clock! Who’d have thought Russian nobility loved clocks so much? This one has a more pleasant bell chime, though.

…Oh NO!

Well, looks like things are going to hell pretty quickly.

Goodbye, boys.

Goodbye, Czar Nicolas II! You might wanna look out for a man named Grigori Rasputin in the future, okay?

Nice hat, Brain.

“Whu--? The eclipse is over? Narf! What happened, Brain?”

BONK!

“Zort! I mean, Czar Brain.”

“We failed again, Pinky… But just wait until tomorrow night!”

“Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?”

“What else, Pinky?: Try to take over the world!”

It was a nice try, boys, but honestly I don’t know how you were going to fit all those crown jewels into that tiny improvised vacuum bag, anyway.

One last cute little detail in this episode is our mousey duo jumping up with enthusiastic determination in front of the silhouette of the moon on the last note of the theme reprise. One day, you guys. One day…

Oh! And before I forget, have another short cameo from “Plane Pals”. It’s a tiny one.

Pinky and the Brain steal a sheep off of an airplane. For what purpose? Who knows? But that’s it. I’m kind of wondering if the writers wanted to make a running joke of them making cameos to steal random things for world conquering purposes and just sort of gave up.

Anyway, so ends our recap for this post. It sure was a long one, but what can I say? There were some very cute details that needed to be shared. Have we learned anything new this time? Well, I mean, besides historical trivia.

Brain thinks both he and Pinky are great actors, despite his own near inability to lie and keep up an innocent pretense. Oh, he can be sarcastic, sure, but he can’t seem to manage to stop himself from revealing that he’s out for world  domination whenever he has an audience.

For the first time we see Brain’s annoyance and humiliation resulting from him being a lab mouse. Though it’s on the more subtle side at the moment, Brain seemed extra grumpy and violent during that last     episode because of the conditioning he’s unwillingly gone through. I’m     curious to see if there are any more examples of this before we reach an  episode touching on his origin story. Or…one of his origin stories, at     least. There’s around four of them last I checked and all but one of them  can reasonably fit into the others.

Pinky is truly beginning to show how much he adores Brain, which is nice. Beforehand we knew he was down with his world domination plans for whatever reason and also that he thinks Brain’s plans are great and ingenious. Now, though, we’ve gotten to the point of him literally swooning at Brain and his plans. Something’s definitely brewing there.

Next time: We get some more substantial cameos, join our mouse duo on a Fort Knox heist, and meet a new character that is both pretty important to the “lore” of the show going forward…but also doesn’t appear in person after their introductory episode until the very end of the Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain spin-off run.

See you then!

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - s3e8: don’t tread on us

i am. so sorry this is late. i wish i had a good reason but actually it was because i spent saturday night drinking bacardi with my mom. and then sunday morning throwing up all the bacardi. i have only just resumed feeling like a normal person.

haha.

episode summary: pinky and brain post racist things on facebook. no, i’m kidding and i’m sorry for the slander. they actually draft up an alternate version of the declaration of independence that names brain as supreme ruler of all things. very cool.

the rundown:

it’s boston, in 1775.

people are coming to boston for lots of reasons, such as A, they are an old timey family in old timey clothes, and B, they are elmer fudd.

“i’m hunting wedcoats!”

okay. enough of you, elmer. thankfully, the camera pans away before we’re forced to experience any more of that, and we are greeted with mice, instead.

“at last, pinky, a new world to conquer.”

“egad, brain, i forgot to turn off the lights in the old world!”

of course, back then this obviously didn’t apply to actual lights, so pinky just left a bunch of candles on. good going, pinky. it’s probably on fire by now!

unfortunately then the drunk frat boys arrive. brain helpfully informs pinky that they are “not real indians”, which scans, because india is quite a long way from boston. they’re not native americans, either, which is probably what he means.

“the colonists are revolting.”

“oh, i dunno, brain. i think the costumes are rather fetching.”

(obviously brain means revolting as in “starting a revolt”. kind of like rioting. more importantly, pinky should never be allowed to make that face again.)

WE WON’T PAY THE BRITISH TAX, yells a man off screen. the mice do not care. brain just has to keep explaining to pinky exactly what is going on around them, because if he stops being condescending for five minutes, he dies.

“they’re carried away with the spirit of independance.”

and so are they. hoo hoo.

bonk.

“ooo, earl grey. my favourite.”

thankfully, we then have a small timeskip to

PHILADELPHIA 1776

where thankfully we see that the mice have not drowned again for the second time in a row. hello, ferdinand von aegir! good to see you.

“at last, pinky. after a year of watching and waiting, it is time to put my plan into action.”

“you mean we’re finally going to learn to harmonise, get a choreographer and move to detroit?”

OOOOOH LA LA LA LA

“no.”

brain is talking about His Plan. he is finally going to ascend to his rightful position in this budding democracy!

EMPEROR.

man, i wonder when they stop doing this. does it happen in the spinoff? i don’t remember it being quite so prevalent.

but ok. ok look. so brain tells pinky about the declaration of independance.

“all the governing principles of the nation are being put into that document.”

“oh haha too bad it doesn’t say anything about you being the leader”

and brain is surprised. and then is like, oh are you pondering what i’m pondering. (”i think so brain but where do you stick the feather and call it macaroni?”) like he hadn’t thought of this originally?? so???? what was his plan going to be???? magnetise jefferson to the floor by his pocket change????

don’t look at pinky like that, you silly little man.

so anyway they go off and do that.

“we shall simply replace their declaration of independance with this! the declaration of obedience.” technically i think it’s more A Declataslion Of 9rediek, but i’ll give that to brain on the basis that he is a mouse and writing with a human pen must be hard. i’m not entirely sure i could write with materials bigger than me, either. so, yknow. no hard feelings, bee. it’s all good.

but just look at ths, though.

“we hold these truths to be self evident that-- a mouse named brain will be leader. that’s b, r, a, i, n. hoorah.”

“ooo, i like the hoorah part.”

eventually, brain figures out how to spell his own name (good for him) and they get to the crux of the plan; getting it onto the table.

via paper plane, apparently? they have a whole diagram, which is cute. brain goes and stands on the table, pinky launches the declataslion of 9rediek, and they make the switch while... the... founding fathers aren’t looking, i guess. pinky does point out that they might notice, but brain brushes him off.

because they’re all wearing those RIDICULOUS BIFOCALS invented by BEN FRANKLIN and you CAN’T SEE A THING THROUGH THEM

<gay little hand flip>

so, as his arch nemisis ben franklin arrives, complete with the rest of The Continental Congress Delegates, brain puts his plan into action.

“i hope the signing goes quickly, citizen adams. i have to get back to my experiments with electricity.”

(adams’ response to this is “go fly a kite”. i feel like this is important to mention.)

conclusion:

exhibit a: mousie on the shelf. he peep. brain tells pinky to get into position before plonking himself there. it’s cute.

air mouse (nyoom). upon receiving the signal, pinky launches the paper.

bonk.

woosh!

...........ah.

so. uh. turns out brain’s “meticulously calculated trajectory” was actually entirely incorrect. either that, or ben franklin’s head is just that big. but anyway, the declataslion is stuck in his stupid receding mullet, instead of on the table where it’s supposed to be.

“huh?”

meanwhile, it turns out this is not the only trajectory calculated wrong. air mice nyoom ends in the same way every single other air mice nyoom ends, and pluto has another cause of death to add to their art collection.

💚

o he fall in the inkwell

meanwhile, ben franklin finds the declataslion. he reads it, says “hmm”, and then just proceeds to steal it and run away.

but not on pinky’s watch!

or brain’s, once he manages to get out of the inkwell.

WHAT A LOVELY STORM, yells ben franklin, for no reason. in a desperate attempt to get his declataslion back, brain climbs... directly on the kite.

“pinky, follow me!” homeboy already knows what’s going to happen. cartoon sixth sense. that face.

“once i get this declaration signed, i will be a shining example of american leadership!”

oh dear.

oh no.

“are you a leader yet, brain?”

“only in the field of electric discovery.”

as jefferson pulls the big bell to let everyone know the declaration of independance has been signed!

it.... causes random parts of the mice to inflate until they vibrate themselves off the side of the building.

i don’t know either.

anyway. could brain have calculated his trajectories better? absolutely. but not only did ben franklin own slaves, and brain would never, he... also just stole some random guy’s paper and fucked off with it, which was a mean thing to do.

brain: 3 ½ pinky: 5 ½ outside influence: 9

“do you think they’ll object to changing the national currency to cheese balls?”

“once this nation’s leaders unwittingly sign it, they’ll have no choice.”

hmm.

[emosyzoth]

whats this? egads, the milfs have seen us in peril, pushed asside how dumb we look, and have decided to help us!

idk if i'll make it ma'am if only a tall milf would pick me and and smooch my forehead maybe th

[amusinguproar]

BACCANO! VOL. 1: THE ROLLING BOOTLEGS SENTENCE STARTERS    PART 6

“ musicals are wonderful, aren’t they? “ “ what do you suppose the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz does for a living the rest of the time? “ “ it was weird that a guy like him was in the organization at all. “ “ i’m a bit of a regular at this shop. “ “ this’s incredible . . . “ “ it really is amazing, every time i see it. “ “ i’m supposed to pick the hat that looks best on you out of all of this, you see. “ “ i’m sorry, but it may take a while. “ “ this one might do. what do you think? “ “ it really is perfect for me! “ “ it would probably make him stand out a little . . . no, a lot. “ “ are they some rich guy’s kids? “ “ no matter what, don’t do anything eye - catching. “ “ i just have to be really, really mousy and quiet, right? “ “ egad, they’ve got everything here! “ “ it’s all - you - can - buy! “ “ i bet we could conquer the world with hats. “ “ what sort of hats are we going to get? “ “ . . . is it all right to sell things like this? “ “ what’s that? is it a boomerang? “ “ maybe you’re supposed to head - butt people with it? “ “ maybe it’s a Japanese crown! “ “ . . . is this a bit too peculiar? “ “ it might not be good for robbing people in! “ “ well, never mind, let’s just buy them all. “ “ you’d better forget the fact that we visited this shop entirely. “ “ if you report us to the police . . . we’ll, uh . . . what will we do? “ “ if you report us . . . we’ll hit you! “ “ th - th - th - that was scary. “ “ just one glare, and he had me. “ “ well, no, i was afraid, but . . . um . . . “ “ to think he made me withdraw with just one glare. “ “ if we’d fought, i could have beaten him, but you see, well, he was strong, too, and i thought it would be terrible if you’d happened to get hurt, [name]. “ “ have i ever put you in danger? “ “ there, you see?! it’s not even a hundred yet! “ “ we’ll do our last big job here in New York, and then we’ll retire to Miami and take life easy. “ “ the word danger will have nothing to do with us! “ “ let’s buy a big house. “ “ we’ll put in a pool, and we’ll spend all day swimming in it, from morning to night. “ “ if we install about ten stoves, the pool will warm up. “ “ even the king of the Arabs doesn’t use that many! “ “ true, desert nights do get chilly, but . . . “ “ but we’ll spend a fortune on tickets that way. “ “ all right, then let’s not have a railway. “ “ are we really going to be that rich? “ “ if i’m with you, [name]. i could even become president! “ “ i could become the king, the queen, or even the joker! “

[snicketstrange]

The Hypothetical Identity of JS.

This is part 12 of the Strange Interpretation of Jean Lúcio from Brazil

To understand this text, it is necessary to read some of my previous texts.

The Snicket File Inquiry

The Beatrice Letters Theory

The Sugar Bowls Theory

Hypotheses are based on circumstantial evidence. Being an ASOUE theorist involves "testing" various hypotheses, performing mental experiments, and verifying whether the hypothesis is valid or not. Hypotheses that can be denied are not valid, and should be discarded. Hypotheses that can not be denied are taken advantage of. And the hypotheses that fit the personality of the author, and that solve mysteries in a coherent way, and that even allow to solve other mysteries, pass to the status of theory. When dealing with a text that contains an unreliable narrator like Lemony, testing hypotheses is a great challenge. But as I showed in my first and second text, Lemony is a partially unreliable narrator. He promised himself not to tell lies about the events surrounding the Baudelaire siblings. But at the same time he must avoid telling the Public that Beatrice survived the burning of her house. Thus, to protect Beatrice's life, Lemony resorts to lies and cheating within his own 13 books, as long as this does not violate the promise he made that he will record the history of the Baudelaire siblings accurately. So, given the theory I created, I can say that I also created a hypothesis that had been disregarded by most fans. I am almost to promote this hypothesis at the level of theory, but perhaps some adjustments are necessary. So, briefly, I can say that my hypothesis is that JS is Beatrice pretending to be Jacques Snicket after the death of Jacques Sincket. I think this is Beatrice's recurring way of acting: she likes to pretend to be the siblings of Lemony who die. Of course, I did not imagine it out of the blue. There's a reason for me to find this, and I'll explain now. I will first explain my whole hypothesis, and then I will show the evidence. First, Kit herself believed that J. S. was an impostor, that is, someone pretending to be her brother.

  TPP chapter 2:

“At last she held up a tiny piece of paper, no bigger than a caterpillar, which was rolled into a tiny scroll. "Here it is," she said. "A waiter slipped this to me last night by hiding it inside a cookie." She handed it to Klaus, who unrolled the paper and squinted at it behind his glasses. "'J. S. has checked in,'" he read out loud, "'and requested tea with sugar. My brother sends his regards. Sincerely, Frank.'" "Usually the messages inside the cookies are just superstitious nonsense," Kit said, "but recently the restaurant has changed management. You can understand why this message made me so distraught, Baudelaires. Someone is posing as my brother, and has checked into the hotel shortly before our entire organization is scheduled to arrive."

In the same passage we observe that J. S. asked for sugar when he arrived at the hotel. Of course this was a code. If you've read my theory about sugar bowls, you know that I believe a short woman got one of the sugar bowls in GG. Imagine the following hypothesis: this woman is the person who is going by J. S. This woman went to the HQ of VFD, received the message in the refrigerator. Captain Windershins sent a telegram to her informing her that the sugar bowl was in GG, after Klaus found out. She went to AA, went down the tunnels, picked up the sugar bowl at GG, went to Queequeg, persuaded Windershins and Bill to abandon the submarine, used the Great Unknown to chase away Olaf, and then used the Great Unknown to quickly get to the hotel, has registered as JS  She hid the sugar bowl somewhere with water. She then ordered tea with sugar, informing the allies that she already had one of the sugar bowls in her hands. These allies were members of the secret organization within the secret organization created by Lemony. When she asked for sugar, the waiters searched her ankles. They did not find any tattoos.

(I believe that Beatrice does not have a tattoo because her children had never seen anything like it before contacting Count Olaf.) Chapter 7 of TPP shows what treatment was given to anyone who asked for sugar:

" in  the  coffee  shop,  located  in  Room  178,  a  villain  requested sugar in  his  coffee, was immediately thrown  to  the  floor  so  a  waitress could  see if  he  had  a tattoo  on  his  ankle,  and  then  received  an  apology  and  a  free  slice  of  rhubarb  pie  for  all  his trouble."

The waiters believed that all the supporters of the incendiary side of Schism had entered VFD before Schism itself, so everyone should have ankle tattoos. Of course they were wrong. Esmé did not have a tattoo because she participated in Olaf's Schism, years after the Great VFD Schism, but she had no tattoo. Esmé entered VFD after the Great Schism. Similarly, the woman who was going through J.S. also did not have a tattoo because she entered VFD after the Great Schism.

(chapter 12 The UA: 3. Do I Have to get a Tatto? - No anymore. Since the schism, we have realized that it is not wise to permanently mark oneself with a symbol when the meaning of the symbol change at any moment.)

The woman then received a telegram from Quigley. The telegram informed through a complex code that Baudelaire siblings would meet someone in a taxi on Briny Beach to accomplish a mission, and then she deduced that there was someone who would bring the Baudelaire siblings to the hotel. What "J.S." did? She sent a telegram to Mr. Poe. She did not want the Baudelaire siblings to go to the hotel. She asked Mr. Poe to fetch the Baudelaire Siblings. Why she did it?

  For me, the answer is: Because J. S. was Beatrice pretending to be Jacques Snicket. She did not want her children to face the Deadly Dangers that would exist in the hotel. Finally, Beatrice was taken from the hotel in the trunk of a taxi. She handed the sugar bowl to the mysterious taxi driver. Anyway, as I explained in the Sugar Bowls theory, Beatrice was taken to the beach, where she invoked the Great Unknown using the whistle (which was the contents of the sugar bowl), and went to save the Quagmires and the others. She probably wanted to save her own children too, but she should not have known where their children were. When Beatrice went to save the Quagmires one of them shouted for the name “Violet” because he saw Beatrice inside the beast's mouth and thought she was Violet. Now see some evidence about JS being Beatrice in disguise:

TGG chapter 12:

"A Volunteer Factual Dispatch," Klaus finished. Violet nodded, and scanned the paper quickly. Sure enough, the words "Volunteer Factual Dispatch " were printed on the top, and as more and more of the paper appeared, the eldest Baudelaire saw that it was addressed "To the Queequeg," with the date printed below, as well as the name of the person who was sending the telegram, miles and miles away on dry land…

"It's from Quigley Quagmire," she said quietly. Klaus's eyes widened in astonishment. "What does he say?" he asked.

" 'It is my understanding that you have three additional volunteers on board… 'We are in desperate need of their services for a most urgent matter… Please deliver them Tuesday to the location indicated in the rhymes below.”

She scanned the paper and frowned thoughtfully. "Then there are two poems," she said. "One by Lewis Carroll and the other by T. S. Eliot."

"Verse Fluctuation Declaration," he said….

"There's nothing else in the telegram?" "Only a few letters at the very bottom," she said. " 'CC: J.S.' What does that mean?" " 'CC' means that Quigley sent a copy of this message to someone else," Klaus said, "and 'J.S.' are the initials of the person." "Those mysterious initials again," Violet said. "It can't be Jacques Snicket, because he's dead. But who else could it be?"… Klaus closed the book and looked up at his sisters. "Quigley wants us to meet him tomorrow," he said, "at Briny Beach."

  Chapter 13

"The missing words," Violet said to her siblings, as if the coughing banker had not spoken, "are 'violet,' 'taxi,' and 'waiting.'

  These excerpts above show that Quigley sent the message to Queequeg and sent a copy of the same message to J.S.

  Chapter 13

“"Gack!" Sunny said, which meant "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!" and the Baudclaires watched as a familiar shape stopped in front of them, took off a tall top hat, and coughed into a white handkerchief… "Baudelaires!" Mr. Poe said, when he was done coughing. "Egad! I can't believe it! I can't believe you're here!" "You?" Klaus asked, gazing at the banker in astonishment. "You're the one we're supposed to meet?" "I guess so," Mr. Poe said, frowning and taking a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "I received a message saying that you'd be here at Briny Beach today.”

"Who sent the message?" Klaus asked…

"The message is signed J.S.," Mr. Poe said… “You'd better come with me – my car's parked nearby. You have a great deal of explaining to do."

No," Violet said. "No?" Mr. Poe said in amazement, and coughed violently into his handkerchief. "Of course you do! You've been missing for a very long time, children! It was very inconsiderate of you to run away without telling me where you were, particularly when you've been accused of murder, arson, kidnapping, and some assorted misdemeanors! We're going to get right in my car, and I'll drive you to the police station, and –" "No,…"

This passage above shows that JS sent Mr. Poe a message asking him to go and meet the Baudelaire siblings at Briny Beach. It is unlikely that this message was intercepted by an enemy, decoded, and then that enemy would have passed through J.S. and then sent a message to Mr. Poe. Enemies on the noble side do not like books, and that's why creating a code involving books is so safe. Also, it is unlikely that the enemies had exactly the books they needed to decode the message. That means that the person who was going through J.S. was not a villain. He was a member of the "noble" side of VFD. And this member of the noble side did not want the Baudelaire siblings to be taken to the hotel. The only members of the noble side who did not want the Baudelaire siblings to become involved with VFD were the Baudelaire siblings' own parents. This is evidence that J. S. was actually Beatrice, who did not want her children to be taken to the hotel. Beatrice knew the dangers in the hotel would be deadly. Worst mother she's proving to be because of my theories, she did not want her children to die.

  TPP chapter 8:

 "I'm so happy to find you," said the judge, taking off her Vision Furthering Device so she could dab at her eyes and embrace the children one by one. "I was afraid I'd never see you again. I'll never forgive myself for letting that idiotic banker take you away from me."

  This passage above shows that Justice Strauss would never ask Mr. Poe to fetch the Baudelaire siblings at Briny Beach. So it is not the true J. S.

  TPP chapter 8:

"I'm sorry, too," Jerome said. "As soon as I heard about all the troubles that befell you in the Village of Fowl Devotees, I began my own Baudelaire search. Volunteers were leaving me messages everywhere-at least, I thought the messages were addressed to me." "And I thought they were addressed to me ," Justice Strauss said. "There are certainly plenty of people with the initials J. S." "I began to feel like an impostor," Jerome said.

  This excerpt shows that Justice Strauss and Jerome found it very strange to have messages for JS. Jerome even felt like an impostor. They evidently do not know many secrets of VFD, and were not the recipients of the message in the refrigerator, nor of Quigley 's message.

    Other evidence: In TPP there is a picture and a passage showing that female VFD members can disguise themselves as VFD members of the male gender. The engraving is in ALSO NOT CHAPTER. The picture shows a woman who was disguised as a man. About this, Lemony wrote in TPP chapter 7:

"In  the  basement,  a  strange  sight  housekeepers  removed  a  disguise,  and  drilled  a  hole  behind an  ornamental  vase  in  order  to  examine  the  cables  that  held  one  of  the  elevators  in  place, while  listening  to  the  faint  sound  of  a  very  annoying  song  coming  from  a  room  just  above her."

The engraving shows that the woman's disguise involves a false mustache, a type of barrel decorated with eyes, a top hat and a suit. This is evidence that Beatrice could disguise herself as a man easily. This is evidence that Beatrice could also disguise herself as a man easily.

It's interesting what Esmé said about J.S. when she talked to Geraldine Julienne. TPP chapter 4:

  "I reveal  my special  hors  d'oeuvres  for  Thursday's cocktail  party,  I  want  you to  tell  me something  about  a  certain  guest at  this  hotel.  He's  been  lurking around  the  basement,  plotting to spoil our party. His initials are J. S."

  This is evidence that Esmé did not know who JS was. This shows that JS was on the noble side of Schism.

  Also interesting is what Charles said about JS in TPP chapter 5:

  (Sir): "You're  the  one  who  said  enemies might be lurking in this hotel!"

"That's what  I was  told  in  the letter  I  received," Charles  said.  "According to  J.  S.,  we must be very cautious if we want to find the Baudelaires."

"... Perhaps  I  can  ask  one  of  the  concierges  for  a  pair  of binoculars.  J.  S.  said  they  might  be  arriving  by  submarine,  so  I  could  watch  for  a  periscope rising from the sea."

  This is evidence that J. S. was someone on the "noble" side of VFD because he warned Charles about the dangers. In addition, J.S. warned Charles that the Baudelaire siblings would be arriving by submarine. This shows that JS knew about Queequeg.

  TPP chapter 5:

I  care  about  you, Sir. And I care about the Baudelaires. If what J. S. wrote is true, then their parents-" 

  That is other evidence. J.S. wrote to Charles in a letter some secret about the parents of the Baudelaires siblings. This time, the person who must have written to Charles was Jacques Snicket himself. This letter in which Jacques wrote to Charles about the Baudelaires' parents must have been sent to him before the death of Jacques Snicket. In TVV, when Jacques Snicket tried to talk to the Baudelaire siblings, he almost told a secret about their parents.

  TVV chapter 6:

(Jacques Snicket:) Please listen to me, I beg of you! I'm not Count Olaf! My name is Jacques!" He turned to the three siblings, who could see he had tears in his eyes. "Oh, Baudelaires," he said, "I am so relieved to see that you are alive. Your parents — "

      "That's  enough  out  of  you,"  Officer  Luciana  said,  clasping  her  white-gloved  hand  over Jacques's mouth.

  I believe Jacques would tell the Baudelaire siblings that one of their parents was alive.

  TPP Chpater 6:

Chapter 6:

 "I  have  news  from  J.  S." - either  Frank  or  Ernest  was  whispering  to  Hal.

“J. S.?" Hal said. "She's here?" "She's  here  to  help,"  the  manager  corrected.  "She's  been  using  her  Vision  Furthering Device to watch the skies, and I'm afraid she reports that we will all be eating crow."

"I'm  sorry to  hear  that,"  Hal  said.  "Crow  is  a  tough  bird  to  cook,  because  the  meat  is  very muscular from all the carrying that crows do."

“It  is  a  shame,"  agreed  either  Frank  or  Ernest.  "If  only  there  was  something  that  could make the dish a little sweeter. I've heard that certain mushrooms are available." "Sugar would be better than mushrooms," Hal said unfathomably.

"According  to  our  calculations,  the  sugar  will  be  laundered  sometime  after  nightfall," replied the manager, equally unfathomably.

"I'm  glad,"  Hal  said.  "My  job's  been  difficult  enough.  Do  you  know  how  many  leaves  of lettuce I've had to send up to the roof?"

  For some reason, Hal was apparently working with Esmé. He was sending lettuce leaves to her clothes. Lemony had said in THH that he had to search for several months if Hal, at the time he worked at the hospital, was or was not a spy. The question is, why did Lemony have this doubt? Because evidently, at the time of events recorded in TPP, Hal was already a spy on the incendiary side. Dewey knew this, so he passed on false information to Hal. It was in this way that Olaf received insider information about what was apparently to happen at the hotel. That's why the information Dewey passed to Hal about JS was not true. JS was not there to help the incendiary side. But the interesting thing is that Hal believed she was there to help the incendiary side. Hal acted as if he already knew JS. This is evidence that JS was acting as a double agent. Beatrice was pretending to support the incendiary side by disguising herself as a woman named JS. But evidently she had only communicated with people who did not know her personally. So Olaf and Esmé were not contacted by her.

The passage also points to how Dewey passed the false information to Olaf's supporters as to where the sugar bowl would fall. Olaf's supporters believed that the sugar bowl containing the whistle to control the Great Unknown would come by the crows. Hal was saying that he thought it would be better to have a giant beast attack than exposure to a deadly fungus.

  That's what I have as evidence. But that raises an interesting question.

Did the first time Mr. Poe fetched the Baudelaire Siblings at Briny Beach, he also received a message from Beatrice about where they were?

After all, how did Mr. Poe know exactly where the Baudelaire siblings were on the day of the fire? Who warned him? How did he get there so fast?

According to the UA, chapter 11, Lemony also knew about the possibility of one or more survivors in the Baudelaire mansion fire. How could he know that?

Also, exists in the bad beginning the rare edition, there is a very interesting note:

  p.2 The three Baudelaire children lived with their parents in an enormous mansion at the heart of a dirty and busy city, and occasionally their parents gave them permission to take a rickety trolley-the word “rickety”, you probably know, here means “unsteady” or “likely to collapse”-alone to the seashore…

 On that particular occasion, the Baudelaire parents not only gave their children permission but encouraged them to leave the house, as the adults had some pressing business to atten to. This business was delayed indefinitely due to death. 

  Why had Beatrice and Bertrand insisted so much that their children left home exactly that day? What did not their parents want them to see happen? Why did Bertrand die and Beatrice survived? Why did Beatrice have so much fun killing Count Olaf's father or parents? And why did R. claim that Beatrice was not a person to look for lost goods?

And why is not Lemony who you think he is? What dark secrets are hidden in TBL? What is "the End"? Why is Lemony finished? The next text will answer these questions through my other hypothesis.

[shieldman-literature]

09 - Something dangerous lurking in the gardens

You spend a few hours perusing the study, confident that by this point any suspicion of your eavesdropping is long since past. The names of the books are very unusual: "The Everscream", "A Withering of Flesh", even plain old "The Death of Humans". You laugh nervously to yourself when you see that last one, and morbid curiosity makes you crack it open. The front page denotes that it is in fact a library book from a library you don't recognize the name of. An idea sprouts in the back of your mind. You call Brian's name in no particular direction and wait. At first, nothing happens, and you feel a little foolish, but your hypothesis bears fruit as a pile of books tumbles off the shelf behind you. "Oh, terribly sorry for the mess, but you had an excellent eyeful of our study that made finding a way in quite impossible otherwise," Brian says, propping the books up on another shelf. You ask him where the library is and gesture towards the book you're holding. You aren't sure how he manages it, but Brian definitely goes white. "Overdue, you say? By how long?" He reaches forward and holds the book up as if he was reading it with a head that isn't there. "Egads, two weeks? Oh, this is catastrophic. If Invizor finds out this has been stashed here for a fortnight, its wrath will be..." He snaps the book shut and shivers a little. "Let's not let it come to that. Truthfully, we shouldn't even have spoken about it. I'm sure it's already sent something to investigate our mention of a wayward book. I'll relocate somewhere unassuming; you go out the side door there to the garden. Trumbert will guide you somewhere safe." You glance over your shoulder to find a small wooden door, barred with black iron and reinforced along its edges. Before you can protest, Brian pushes the book into your hands again. "If I take the book with me, Invizor will know at once where it is. You'll need to take it with you the long way. Godspeed, my friend," he says, before retracting through the hole in the bookcase and out of sight. You roll your eyes at Brian's theatrics - it's just an overdue library book, how bad could the fines be? - and make your way towards the regular, non-barred door. Then you hear the crash of something huge running down the hallway. "OI! WHO'S IN THERE HOARDIN' LIBR'Y BOOKS?" shouts the tinny voice from before. You recoil from the door after locking it. If he finds out what you were doing, who knows what'll happen to you? You sprint over to the door to start undoing its bars. They're heavy, not too much so for you to move, but the handle to the other door rattles as whoever is on the other side tries to accost you. The last bar sticks. Your heart freezes in place. Desperately, you tug on the lodged metal, trying to pull it free, but it's stuck fast. In a panic, you scan your surroundings. Chair. Table. Books. Candlestick. Bingo. You grab the candlestick off of the mantle and smash the blunt end against the immobile rod, bending it with enough force to cause the door to spring open. Not a moment too soon, either, as the door to the study bursts open to reveal a figure in a suit of armor brandishing a sword. "What ho, villain! Stop your tirade of bibliological crimes at once!" he shouts, pointing the sword at you. You shriek and dive through the door to the outside. The armored figure takes pause and reaches for you instead with its open hand. "No, don't go out th-" SLAM. The door closes on its own, and you hear a metal mechanism clunk into place somewhere inside. No one's getting through that door now, you figure. You stand up and take stock of where you are. Part of a hedge maze, you figure, judging by the tall, perfectly rectangular bushes. This seems to just be one possible exit. You shrug and make your way into the maze; there's nothing to be gained by waiting to see if the suit of armor has a key to the lock behind you. As expected, you're disoriented within minutes. Hell, this could even be a magical hedge maze that has no exit, you think to yourself. Still, though, it's fun enough to explore and try to conquer a maze on your own. More than once, you find dead ends that have fun little statues or gardens as a sort of sign that cheerily instructs you to try another path. It's almost fun enough to let you forget you're trapped in the hedge maze of a murder house. That is, until you spot the trail of blood and realize you had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. A curved pool of blood leads around the corner of the next turn in the maze, indicating something had been dragged that way. You would turn around, but if your memory serves, this is the only non-dead-end you've found. You sidle up to the corner and peer around it. The trail of blood continues down the corridor and around another corner. You curse under your breath and trudge along the red path to the next turn. From there, you can hear... crunching. You swallow your fear and peek past the branches of the hedge. Sure enough, at the end of the trail of blood is a huge, malformed pig-creature, its hide covered in scars and broken knife blades. Its hulking body is hunched over what looks like the remains of a corpse in some sort of body armor. Blood is spattered across the ground, on hedge branches, and beyond, to the... corpse pile. Decomposing body parts provide a bruised and bloody backdrop to the scene. You feel bile well up in your throat. Up until this point, the house had seemed hostile, sure, but not gruesome. The sound of bone and sinew being torn apart brings the events of the past day into focus once more. You screw your eyes shut and turn away from the grotesque scene. Maybe those government agents will find you here? Maybe Brian will? Maybe... but not for sure. The boar huffs like an air cannon. You notice the sound of crunching has stopped. Oh fuck. Hooves beat against the dirt path, gaining speed and drawing closer. You break into a sprint back down the corridor, screaming for someone, anyone to help. You don't even dare look behind you. The hoofbeats get closer and closer. You round corners that weren't there before. Your head spins as you try and navigate on the fly. It isn't working. You can't find your way back to the door. The hoofbeats are right behind you. You can feel hot, fetid breath on your neck. You round one more corner to find - a dead end. Nothing. No statue, no garden, no door to freedom. You turn and stare at the boar as it pounds around the corner, burning black eyes fixed on you with a hatred you've never felt from any living thing in your life. You clench your teeth and whisper a prayer to whoever's listening to save you. Then a blossom of red as the boar's tusk jabs into your gut.

Darkness.