#that quickly sobered me to the reality that it doesn't matter what you do or don't do as a trans person

[uncanny-tranny]

r u chill w non transitioning ppl?

Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).

Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are

[jm-2406]

Answers.

Summary - after an unexpected heated makeout session in the library, Theodore Nott corners you in his bedroom, demanding answers for your reckless behaviour. his possessive side comes out after witnessing you dancing closely with someone else and he decides that enough is enough.

Word count - 1.1k

Note - beware of the stupid writing, i gave it my best. This is written in third person pov and has mentions of [Y/N]. It is quite sweet imo.

This was not how she had planned for the night to go. This was not what she had thought would happen when she stepped foot in the party. And she definitely did not think that she would find herself in such a compromising situation with none other than the host of the party, Theodore Nott.

But, no matter what she had thought or planned for the night things were completely opposite now.

"Did you really think that I'll spare you after the stunt you pulled?" His raspy voice did its magic on her, he didn't even need his wand to cast a spell on her that prevented her from looking away from his intense eyes.

"I don't know what you are talking about." She decided to play dumb; To irritate him and make him mad so that he would leave her instead of cornering her in his bedroom, demanding answers. Answers that could change their equation and mess up everything.

"Oh, so the innocent [Y/N] doesn't know 'what I'm talking about', Is that so? Wearing this sexy dress to rile me up, Flirting with Malfoy, getting too close to him, grinding against him while you looked directly into my eyes and then you have the audacity to play dumb with me? Do you take me for a fool, [Y/N]?" His voice was low but strong, it sent shivers down her spine, in a good and bad way; clouding her senses in fear and lust.

Theodore placed his hands on either side of her head, caging her effectively. [Y/N] turned her head to the side when she felt him coming closer, their noses brushing. She gasped as her eyes fell on the trail of blood dripping from his palm; looking down she could clearly see the shards of glass even in dim lights. It didn't take long for her to put the two and two together. 'Oh god, how much did he drink?' She thought.

"Answer me [Y/N]," Theodore demanded again and bit her earlobe gently. [Y/N] shuddered at the sinful touch. "Stop playing games with me." He whispered in his silky voice.

"You're hurt," [Y/N] said and pushed at his chest. Theodore moved back, giving her space to escape from him but instead, [Y/N] rushed to the bathroom and returned with a first aid kit.

She made Theodore sit on the bed and bandaged his hand. "How careless could you be?" She muttered under her breath but Theodore understood her words. He held her chin with his un-injured hand and made her look up at him, gazing deeply into her eyes he said. "How breathtakingly beautiful could you be?"

He brought his face closer to her, their breath mingling together, just a few centimetres between them but [Y/N] pulled back. "You had one too many drinks. You're not in your senses. You don't know what you are doing at the moment. I can't let you make this mistake."

Theodore pulled her to his lap by her waist. [Y/N] gasped, she kept her hands on his chest to balance herself. "Do I look like a drunkard to you? Can you smell alcohol on my breath? Do you think so low of me that I'll take advantage of you when drunk?" He said with utmost sincerity. [Y/N] was at a loss for words. What she thought to be a drunken mistake was reality. Theodore was sober, he knew what he was doing by coming so close to her.

"Why are you doing this?" Her eyes filled with unshed tears. "I am going to say this clearly once again. I feel nothing for you." Her voice broke as she said. Her heart knew that her mouth was spewing lies but 'it was for the best', she consoled herself.

Quickly putting some more distance between them, [Y/N] rushed to the door only to find it locked from the outside. "If you feel nothing for me then how will you explain whatever happened between us in the library, Miss [Y/L/N]?" She heard his cheeky remark. Tears wetted her face as she pulled on the door but it didn't budge.

"It won't open. My room is secured very efficiently so if by chance someone does trespass my room, he'll get trapped inside. The door won't open unless I unlock it." Theodore stated calmly.

[Y/N] froze. She turned around to face him. "Please. Don't make this difficult for me, for us, for everyone around us, for Daphne." her voice was thick with emotion, breaking his heart.

"That's what I'm asking from you." He was near her in a matter of seconds. His hands cupped her face. He wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and brought his lips closer to hers, his eyes searching her face for any signs of discomfort. "Tell me the truth, [Y/N]." He asked her once more.

“I do… I feel the same as you. I'm just… afraid… of the consequences.” She finally confessed, her resolve breaking as she lost herself in the moment. Her heart soared high, her soul content with her response. She sighed as she felt Theodore's lips on her, he tasted like the apple juice that he drank not long ago. Their kiss.. it was magical, full of Passion and intensity. He kissed her like he was a starving man and she was a scrumptious meal. He poured all his feelings, his doubts and insecurity into that one kiss. He ravaged her lips completely, kissing her with everything that he had while she found herself moaning against his lips, submitting herself to him. The world be damned.

-♡-

When they were found together in his bedroom the next morning, no one doubted them. The lies that they weaved left no chance of doubts regarding their last night's activities. She reprimanded him and herself too for getting caught up in her emotions and doing something morally wrong, no matter how right it felt while doing it. He laughed it off saying that it'll never happen again but they both knew that it was a lie.

It was not the end but just the beginning. Their beginning.

-♡-

Anyone up for part two/prequel? Please let me know.

[skiyoosmi]

post-break up heartaches

verse 1. in the car that used to drive us to our home

⤷ kuroo tetsurou, oikawa tooru — more characters coming soon

⤷ verse 2 | verse 3

⤷ play. never let me go by ghostly kisses, forget about us by clinton kane

commissions: open

⇢ KUROO sighs for the umpteenth time of the day. he was so fucking exhausted and his body's about to give in to sleep any moment now. work has been beating his ass; there was this newbie who kept on messing up the documents needed by the board and for the whole day, he had to be the one to fix said issues. it's not like he wasn't paid enough for that; if anything, his paycheck was one of the most beautiful things he laid his eyes on— but god, even his body has its own limits and yet...

"ya.... yer not supposed to do this anymore. y-ya left me, remember?" you slurred, index finger pointing right at his chest as he circled his arms around your waist, huffing as you practically dropped all your weight on him. here he was, suddenly given the task of having to take you home after your supposed-to-be designated driver, miya fucking atsumu, also drank his brains out with you.

"be patient. still heartbroken because of you, y'know?" kenma softly tells him despite the tipsy feeling lurking in the back of his mind, shaking his head as he looked at you, whose system finally shut down and were now dozing off in the black haired man's arms.

"..... still?" he mumbles, looking down at your figure and he feels his heart contract with pain all over again.

"you can't expect her to be fine immediately, kuroo. it was your wedding day, supposed to be the greatest day of her life and yet it became the worst one... you left her at the altar alone."

he didn't reply anything— or rather, he was unable to. because what can he say to refute the truth? nothing. instead, he proceeded to his car with you still in his hold. he places you on the passenger seat, locking the seatbelts before jogging to the driver's side.

the car ride was calm as you slept soundly with your head occasionally hitting the window lightly as it swayed from side to side. he was sure as hell that if you were sober right now, you wouldn't even have the thought of seeing him cross your mind. he just knows for sure that you despise him with your whole being... at least, that's what he thought until...

"i'm sorry, tetsu. please come back," you whimper in your seat, voice quiet but he heard it nonetheless, "tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it."

the pitiful sounds and mumbles you made struck kuroo right in the heart and which makes him pull over an empty but safe road, just a block away from your (previously shared) apartment. looking over your form, he finds himself reaching out to touch your face, caressing your cheeks as drops of tears fell down slowly on them, "you didn't do anything wrong. you were fine. you were so perfect."

you squint your eyes at him, probably wondering if this was real or just a part of your drunken imagination. nonetheless, you hiccuped, "y-you... you left me and i... i still can't even bring myself to hate you... i just wanna ask you why? i just want to understand."

he thought he also knew the reason why but every single time he thinks about it, he's only led to one conclusion: because he was a coward. no way was this any of your fault— it's definitely not your fault that right at that moment, as he stared at the mirror, wearing the black suit you chose for him, the sudden fear of commitment loomed over him. it's not like it was your fault he suddenly got scared of losing you the way his parents lost each other. but now he thinks it's ironic, because he lost you anyway.

maybe... just maybe, if he had just met you where you stood at the altar, instead of leaving you alone in it, maybe he would've been happier. maybe his days would've started more with a smile from you as you helped him fix his necktie before going to work. maybe, the working hours he spends in the shitty corporate world would've been more worth it if it meant he can come home to you at the end of the day. maybe... maybe he wouldn't have to be stuck with this lump in his throat as he wonders what could've been happening if he just chose to show up and vowed his life to you.

but he didn't.

"i realized i wasn't just ready to tie my life with anyone yet. that's all there is to it, yn."

so with a heavy feeling stuck in his chest and a quiet promise to never see you again for the sake of not hurting you further, he starts the car's engine again, ignoring the words you replied but he was sure they will haunt him for a very long time... again.

i can wait for you no matter how long it takes, tetsu, you know that.

⇢ OIKAWA gives you what seems like a guilty smile as he stands in front of you, opening his arms and gesturing you to come closer. but the stoic expression on your face takes him back to the reality that the last thing you wanted to do today was to actually fetch him from the airport. it just so happens that his three best friends were caught up with work that they had no choice but to send you, the main ex-bestfriend slash ex-girlfriend, to him.

why did you agree when you practically loathe him with your whole being? well, it was probably because you weren't the devil who would reject your friends when they were literally on their knees as they begged you and for some reason, you thought he'll look pitiful going back to his home country after five years with no one to welcome him. yeah, that's it. it's not like you're still in love with him or anything.

"my car's just around the corner," you begrudgingly walk towards the car park with him quietly following. at the moment, he knew better than to get on your nerves or else there would be war. he hates that this happened to the both of you but he can't blame anyone else but himself. because who wouldn't hate their ex-boyfriend if they suddenly broke up with them over a phone call?

tension filled the car as you both sat beside each other. perhaps, this was what other people were talking about when they say that it's impossible for exes to be friends again, to not feel any awkwardness because you were sure as hell that the word "awkward" was an understatement of your situation right now. nevertheless, your eyes couldn't help but wander to his figure as he adjusted his body, opting for a more comfortable position in the passenger's seat.

he looked more youthful and you felt bittersweet— proud that his whole aura screams of "success" which meant that gone were the days where he longed to get that winter cup trophy, nor the times when he overworked himself and put a strain on his knee which led to countless arguments with you. if anything, he looked happier and it sucks because you're not even close to feeling that way... not without him.

"i heard you've finally gotten yourself your own condominium? that's great, yn!" he exclaimed as soon as you began driving to your destination, a hope lit within him that maybe you might just respond to him. just one smile, that's all i need, he thinks.

but you remain focused on your driving, choosing to reply with a single nod and a soft "yeah..."

disappointment fills his heart as he faces the truth that your relationship has really been ruined, along with your friendship. all because he was foolish to think that he couldn't handle the physical distance between you two. realization dawns upon him that he just made that same distance worse as you pull your heart further away from him.

"... i actually bought it for the two of us, you know?" he whips his head to your direction in surprise, heart clenching as he watch you let out a sad chuckle, "i just... i thought it would be nice if we had a place to permanently stay at and for you to have a home to go to when you're at japan. but yeah... i guess things doesn't go our way sometimes, does it?"

"i'm sor—"

"it's okay. i'm fine now," you quickly reply, shaking your head but keeping your eyes on the road. he tries to ignore the tears that start to form in them because he has no right to stop them, knowing full well that he was the one who caused them in the first place.

as if on cue, you halt your vehicle in front of a familiar apartment and much to your dismay, you find yourself looking back in the past when you used to live in that same place, making wonderful memories with the chocolate haired lad with you. you clear your throat to stop the sob that desperately attempts to escape your throat, "uhm... we're here."

"oh, yeah. we're here," he numbly states, already missing you despite the mere inches of space separating the two of you. you just felt so far away and he hates it. but this was the path he chose so he gets out of your car along with his things, turning to you once more, "uhh... thanks for the ride, yn. i know you probably hate me but yeah... it's very nice of you to put that past us and i guess i just want to say sorry for hurting you... i just..."

"i don't hate you, tooru," you softly tell him, "i just don't want anything to do with you anymore. to see you this happy, without me, is like a slap in the face because i'm not. it still hurts and i'm not fine. i just hope this will be the last time we'll see each other. be safe on your trip back to argentina. welcome home."

and with that, you start the car's engine again, no longer having the energy nor the strength to hear his reply. but he wishes you did because as he watches your car drive further away from him, he can't help but wish that he can take back time so that you don't have to go to that condominium and instead, go inside the home you once shared with him.

but i'm not happy, yn. because how could i call this place my home when you're not here with me?

at that moment, unbeknownst to the two hearts that long for each other break at the same time, you finally let out the tears and cries that you've been keeping since you saw him, knowing that no matter how much you try, you'll never be as happy as you were with him— simply because he left you with a hole in your heart that no one else can fill.

© SKIYOOSMI, 2021. reposting, translating, editing, copying and any kind of plagiarism are strictly prohibited, thank you.

[asvterias]

✶ 𝖭𝗈𝗍 𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝖧𝗎𝗆𝖺𝗇𝗌 ✶

Warnings: Mentions of Drugging, F/F Oral Mentions & F/F Strap-On Mentions

Pairings: Remiel x Fem!Reader

Summary: Remiel comes back down to earth not knowing that she could find a potential love in her heart for one certain human.

Word Count: 1,100

*gif is not mine*

“how can human women wear these torture devices? what are these called?” remiel asked as she felt the material on her legs. "

“jeans.” amenadiel responded blankly. remiel scoffs as she took a look around the lively nightclub packed with strangers. the music filling their ears.

“how can lucifer ever procreate with these jeans-laden humans? they're selfish and greedy. they smell wrong.” she questioned her eldest brother, shaking her head in disgust. a bartender soon walks up to them, handing the female archangel a drink.

“i didn't order this.” remiel stated as she pointed to the glass of whiskey.

the bartender irked his head to someone behind her, “she did.” remiel looks behind her and so does amenadiel, her eyes averted to you. radiating with confidence, you strutted over to the two angels.

you were clearly drunk, your sober ass wouldn't even have the guts to even order your own drink. talking to a stranger, was a whole different story.

amenadiel quickly slipped out of his chair but not before taking remiel's drink down in one go. reserving the chair that amenadiel had just been in, you looked at her and smiled. she smiled lightly, scared because she never interreacted with humans before, or a very pretty girl for that matter. just stay cool, remy. you got this. she thought to herself.

multiple guys tried to talk throughout the night but you just ignored them as they tried their best to make up fake attempts of flirting. didn't they see it? you're gay, you love and loved to eat pussy. the only dick that you like are the rubber ones that come in many colors.

but, hey look on the bright side, you were getting free drinks. who could resist free drinks? always checked to make sure that they weren't drugged at first. nothing caught your eye the whole night, that was until remiel came in the nightclub. you could read people like a book just by looking at her, you could tell that she seems new to the new environment.

“you look you don't really blend in with the crowd.” you started, your attention now fully on her.

“it's that obvious, huh?” remiel was nervous. she never felt nervous in her life before. but, you were just a human girl. she doesn't get nervous at all and she would never get nervous now, especially at a human. but hey there's a new time for everything, right. calling over a bartender, asking for some more tequila. 10 tequilas later, you were giggling like a schoolgirl after telling bad jokes, remiel wasn't drunk because, well you know – her being a archangel and all that.

she felt safe and vulnerable around you, for the first time in a millennia, she was actually smiling. which was weird for her, since she was always taught to keep her guard up and was taught that humans are lower than celestial beings. soon after your laughter died down as you looked at your phone, it was after 12 and ella's going to be pissed.

“shit! i have to go.” you observed, tearing a small piece of paper, writing your phone number on it. you handed it to the angel.

remiel looked down at the small piece of paper in her hand, “what do you want me to do with this?” she asked unsure as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. she never understood humans and maybe now was the time to catch up.

you walked closer and leaned into her ear, the huntress angel tensed up by how close you two were. “why don't you call the number and find out?” pulling away from her ear, you bit on your red lipstick noticing the way that remiel's eyes were briefly looking at your cleavage. you let out a little giggle with a playful wink.

“okay,” remiel agreed, nodding her head in reassurance as well.

it was a nice moment for remiel but of course reality always comes back to bite you in the ass. “[name]! what the hell are you still doing here.” ella scolded walking over to where you were. she was livid at the most but you were drunk and her shouting at you wasn't going to help things.

“who's this?” remiel asked, hiding the concern in her voice. for all she knows, this girl ella could be a abusive person but the girl radiates nothing but positive energy.

laying your eyes back onto the huntresses, “just my sister.”

“god! [name] how much did you have to drink?” ella exclaims throwing her hands up in disbelief. you were about to reply back but amenadiel joined the little group of four.

“amenadiel! there's my favorite baldie!” you shouted in excitement, wrapping your arms around him, pulling the man in for a hug. the angel sighed as he returned the hug, pulling away from the hug he called maze over.

“maze?! can yo–“ ella started but the demon already agreed as she picked you over her shoulder, “whoop” you exclaimed, your feet fully off the ground. your hangover was going to hurt like a bitch in the morning. ella grabs your purse as she and maze walked out of the club, shoving the sweaty bodies out of their way to get to the exit of LUX.

“bye remy!” you waved back at the huntress, your voice higher than the blasting music. remiel let out a small smile and waved back. once you were finally gone, amenadiel walks to the front bar to join his sister.

“maybe not all humans are so bad after all, brother.” remiel sighed, still lingering onto the piece of paper that you gave her.

she turned her attention to her brother, who was looking at her with a tiny smirk plastered on his face, she shrugged her shoulders as she sighed once again, “what's wrong now, brother?” remiel questioned him, tired of that look on his face.

“still wanna look for that miracle baby?” amenadiel asked his younger sister. he than looked down at the piece of paper. “or do you have more far important things to attend too?” remiel blushed and quickly put the note in her back pocket. maybe, she can keep it for sake keeping. one way or another, she was going to definitely call you back.

© asvterias, 2022. please do not plagiarize any of my works.

[slashbitch2]

Chapter Six (Jennifer Barkley x Reader)

Previous Chapter

The entire day, nay week leading up to Jen's arrival was fraught with tension. Time went all too quickly, yet dragged simultaneously. By Friday you were brimming with so much unnecessary energy that your productivity at work was comparable to that of Leslie, who's determination was currently your source of frustration. Had she not been so resolute about giving Jen a 'personal Pawnee tour', than you would've reunited at 5 rather than 9.

Admittedly, it was also your fault for not calling out her lengthy lie, but those extra four hours you had to suffer through were compensation enough.

In an attempt to pass the extra time, you tried to stay at work for longer, but Fridays were your half day and Ron demanded that you go home immediately, lest you do any extra government work. Reluctant to return to an empty house, you'd asked around if anyone wanted to hang out, and were met with a series of rejections.

Except for Ann, who upon being enlightened about the situation, insisted she help you get ready for your date (initially you refuted the title of 'date', but by the second hour of your evening it became tolerated). Her company, though unexpected, was more than welcomed. Having someone to share your excitement with made the increasing tension almost fun.

"Y/N?" Ann waved her hand in your line of vision, catching your attention. "We going in, or just spending the night in the car?"

"Don't tempt me." You muttered, grudgingly dragged out of your thoughts.

In front of you the queue to the The Snakehole Lounge was gradually growing. The sheer amount of people gathered outside was intimidating, so you dreaded to imagine how packed it'd be inside. Staying at home would've been preferable, but it seemed that time alone with Jennifer was not a luxury presently granted to you.

"Come on." Ann nudged you with her elbow. "You've been going on about this all day and now you're going to wuss out?"

You twisted round to face her, illuminated by the flickering multi-coloured lights beaming out the club's windows. She was watching you closely, trying to gauge how you felt based off expression alone. Despite all that was rushing through your mind, you were at a loss for words. How could you even begin to convey what you were currently feeling?

"Stop overthinking it." She said. "There's no way of knowing what'll happen when you see Jennifer again, but only you can change that, so just roll with it."

You paused to consider her suggestion, coming to the conclusion that she was more observant than you gave her credit for.

"You're right." You admitted, grateful that she'd knocked some sense into you. "Thanks." Awkwardly, you leant across the centre console to hug her. You didn't know Ann all too well, but needed some way of showing gratitude for her sensibility.

"This is nice." She relaxed into the embrace, then unwound an arm to glance at her watch. "But we're five minutes late so I'm pretty sure Leslie will be sending out a search party soon."

You chuckled, separating from Ann to glance at the building once more. Jen was somewhere inside waiting for you. She'd voluntarily returned to Pawnee, and to one of its less than fine establishments of all places, just because she wanted to see you again. The very notion had your heart racing.

"I'm ready."

---

The atmosphere of the club was as intense and unruly as expected. By the time you'd adjusted to the blinding lights and deafening music, Ann had already slipped away, replaced by Tom.

"Welcome this evening's esteemed VIP." He thrusted a disturbingly bright neon beverage into your hand. "Drink up."

"What is it?"

"Sweetums Fizz. My go-to drink for when I'm tryna get lucky." He winked. "But if it doesn't work out, feel free to give her my number."

Coming from Tom, that was the closest you would get to his blessings. So, unenthusiastically you took a sip of the dreadfully sweet drink , screwing up your face as you forced it down. Trying your best not to grimace at the taste, you smiled at him in thanks before he dispersed into the mass of people.

Next to approach was Leslie, who engulfed you in a crushing hug while spewing unintelligible nonsense about her trip. Usually her overly affectionate manner was too much, but this time you pulled her closer. If all went well tonight than you would be forever indebted to her.

Removing yourself from her grip, you interrupted her endless talk. "As much as I'd love to hear about Washington," You yelled over the obnoxiously loud music playing. "I can't hear a word your saying."

"Right." She nodded. "Wrong time, wrong place." There was a pause as the both of you were happy enjoying each others company. Since Jen's exit, Leslie had been so supportive and you'd missed her while she'd been gone.

Although, now wasn't the time for acknowledgements. "Have you seen Jen anywhere?"

"Oh, yeah." Leslie swivelled around and gestured in a general direction. "I think she said something about staying near the fire escape. Said this entire building was probably a hazard."

"That sounds like her." You grinned, spotting the green glowing fire exit sign. "Wish me luck."

"You don't need it." She patted your back, smiling reassuringly as you shuffled past.

Navigating through the crowd while keeping an eye on your target was a challenge. Several people bumped into you, their drink nearly spilling as they pushed past without an apology. However, nothing else mattered as you drew closer to the sign. Nothing else mattered except finding Jen.

Only she wasn't there.

As you struggled through the final row of people, you were met with yet another group of strangers. You sighed, absentmindedly swirling your glass as you resigned to return to Leslie. You then raised it to drink while turning round, though the necessary libation never reached your lips as you collided with someone.

The casualty gasped, stepping back as the cocktail spilled down the front of their dress.

"Shit." You froze, surveying the damage. "I'm so sorry-" You finally glanced up to face the woman and apologise again, but halted upon realisation.

Of course it was Jennifer. You just couldn't catch a break.

"I was going to surprise you, but looks like you got there first." She joked, scanning the vicinity for any kind of napkin. You joined the search, eventually spotting a couple abandoned on a table.

"Again, I am so sorry." You repeated, watching as she scrubbed at the stain. The attempt was futile as it didn't take long for the paper to be completely soaked through, and with little improvement to her dress. "Come on." You grabbed hold of her hand as she discarded the napkins, eager to try and improve this disaster of an event.

You maneuverer through the club with much difficulty while dragging Jennifer, who had an iron grip on your hand. Invigorated by the embarrassment, you arrived at the bathroom a mere minute later, all but shoving her inside one of the cubicles. Under the blaringly bright lighting you could assess the damage in greater detail.

"You know what?" She casually leant against the wall, waving her finger around. "I'm having some serious Deja-vu right now." You looked at her questioningly, pleased to see she didn't look too upset with the state of her dress. "Us together in a public restroom, you staring at my chest..."

You scoffed, reaching past her to grab the toilet paper. "Don't flatter yourself." You wrapped several layers around your hand, creating a makeshift towel. "Completely different circumstances."

"Same outcome though?" She raised an eyebrow suggestively, taking the bundle of paper from you.

"We'll just have to wait and see."

"I think you owe me." She scrunched up her face. "Or is throwing your drink over someone a traditional Pawnee welcome? Because that would explain the mess back there. Pretty sure every surface was sticky."

"Maybe you should wear one of those plastic ponchos next time." You muttered, nervously fidgeting with your hands.

The familiar anxiety from earlier seemed to have reappeared, you were unable to drag your eyes away from where they were fixated . Under the sobering bathroom light, everything had suddenly become very real. It had been years since you'd pursued any kind of serious relationship, and Jen was hardly the easiest person to start with. You tried to think about what Ann would say if she were here.

Probably something astute like "All the best things in life are worth fighting for." Too cheesy.

It'd be more "Nothing good comes out of running away from what you want, even if it's hard." Not inspirational enough.

Possibly "With great effort comes great gain." Nope. You'd definitely plagiarised that one from somewhere.

Maybe she'd-

"Y/N?" Jen ducked into your line of vision, bringing you back to reality. "Lost you there for a second." She smiled cautiously, resting a hand against your arm as if tethering you to the present.

"Sorry. I was thinking about something a friend said." You admitted sheepishly, placing your hand atop of hers. "Or would say if she were here."

"Oh yeah?" She carelessly threw the wad of paper behind, her full attention now on you. "And what would she say?"

You'd finally settled on what Ann would suggest. She'd say "Kiss her, idiot."

And you did.

[givemewritingorgivemedeath]

An Analysis Series Pt. 2: Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over: Prelude

**TRIGGER WARNING**

This post contains language depicting addiction, drug use, trauma, sexual abuse, and rape which may be triggering for some. Please feel free to skip.

I have decided to do a reaction and slight analysis of Demi Lovato's new album Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over. It was released on April 2nd at midnight.

I will be doing the Prelude (first 3 songs) in this post. Then I will likely do The Start of Starting Over 4 songs at a time. This will be to avoid overly long posts. For some background on Demi Lovato or for a quick analysis of her Dancing with the Devil music video, you can read the first part of this series.

Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over (Prelude)

Track 1: Anyone

While Demi wrote "Anyone" before her overdose, she mentions in her docuseries that, ironically, this song describes exactly what she was feeling when she was in the hospital AFTER her overdose in July of 2018.

For me, this is almost the sequel to "Sober" released in April 2018. In "Sober", Demi admits that she is no longer sober and has been drinking alcohol; she mentions that it is becoming a problem and that she will be getting help. However, we know this didn't go to plan. In fact, after the song's release, Demi began singing "Sober" on the "Tell Me You Love Me" tour that she was on prior to the overdose. Days before her overdose, Demi "forgot" the last words of the song during a show, including "I promise I'll get help"; her docuseries alludes to the idea that she didn't forget, but was in a dark place and wasn't sure if she would be getting help from her addiction.

"Anyone" describes the state of mind that led to her relapse. She feels totally alone; she is desperate and needs help from a higher power, but she feels even God has abandoned her - "So why the fuck am I praying anyway?". She doesn't feel like she has any control of her life - "Nobody's listening to me". Demi is miserable (for many reasons discussed in the album and docuseries.) She also discusses how she used to crave everyone's attention, but she realized that what she was looking for is affection. Looking for attention only made her feel worse about herself, whether the attention is positive or negative. As she goes on press junkets about recovery and happiness, she is the most miserable she has ever been - "I feel stupid when I sing". During a show on her "Tell Me You Love Me Tour" (different from the one discussed earlier), you can hear Demi getting choked up about how important it is to live your truth and get help if you need it. At the time, the audience did not know she was no longer sober. At a show closer to the time of the overdose, Demi mentions that she no longer wants to talk about mental health during the show. While she justifies by saying that she has done it way too much, her docuseries mentions that she felt like a hypocrite preaching through a crowd about this while she was spiraling and unhappy.

She continues: Demi tries to wish on stars and pray to God to help her with this moment, but she doesn't seem to find the strength anywhere...

Track 2: Dancing with the Devil

This song, while describing the day of the overdose and how she felt, is in the perspective of the person that survived the overdose and is recounting the events. This is unlike "Anyone", which is in the perspective of before or during the overdose and is just describing her current feelings.

Verse and Chorus 1:

"Dancing with the Devil" starts with her mentioning that she started drinking, saying that if she only drinks a little, she will be okay. She didn't actually believe this, but she used this to justify her drinking because she thought that maybe she could control herself. We know from the docuseries that Demi relapsed on her sobriety because she didn't know why she was sober anymore given how miserable she still was even without the drugs. She did not mention her drug use to friends, but she did tell them that she would only do light drinking; she said she wanted to try what other people her age did, especially since she had yet to turn 21 before she got sober in 2012. We know now that she picked up the bottle and pills because she was dealing with emotional pain, not because she wanted to have a little fun; the push to drink is a big indicator of how things may turn out, especially for someone with a history of addiction.

Demi continues to try to convince others: "not like I want to do this every night." She justifies starting to drink again by saying that she's been good for 6 years and has earned the chance to have one glass of red wine. "Feels like it's worth it in my mind" could be describing that she thinks that some alcohol is worth it given what she's been going through emotionally (and physically with her eating disorder). We are explicitly told that all this is BS, and she KNOWS that it is when she says "I told you I was okay, but I was lying." She knows that this coping habit is the enemy and that she is gambling with her life and the health of her soul by falling into her addictions.

Verse and Chorus 2:

Demi begins to sing about drugs here instead of just alcohol. While verse 1 seems to be her convincing the people around her that the end of her sobriety is okay, this verse finds her trying to convince herself. We know this because her friends did not know that she was doing any kind of hard drugs during the months leading up to the overdose. She mentions how one "white line" can quickly turn into smoking a glass pipe. This verse also gives us a look at the types of drugs she is using: "tinfoil" can be used for drugs like heroin and methamphetamines. We also know from "white line" and "glass pipe" that she could also be using cocaine. Demi admits in her docuseries that she used crack-cocaine, heroin, and more during this period.

Demi continues by saying that doing these drugs already almost got the best of her. This is not the first time she thought she was going to die from doing too many drugs; Demi has come out to say that she was surprised she did not overdose the first night she relapsed after mixing drugs that she had never even done before. It is common for addicts to turn to even heavier drugs after relapse from sobriety. In the song, she says she hopes she doesn't reach the end of her life but continues doing drugs in her "twisted reality, hopeless insanity". The chorus has even more meaning after this verse: "It's so hard to say "No"" to drugs for a former addict trying to just do a "little".

Ending:

Demi mentions how she truly thought she was going to be able to stop once she started if she wanted to without getting carried away, but she knows that she is wrong and in trouble. She, again, mentions God. But this time, instead of wondering why she should even pray to Him for help, she apologizes to Him for giving in to her addictions again. Once again, she prays that he will help her find "better days" without the pain that brought her TO her drugs and the pain brought BY the drugs. She sings one final chorus, ending on and emphasizing that she is still struggling with her addiction: "It's so hard to say 'no' when you're dancing with the devil."

Track 3: ICU (Madison's Lullabye)

This track gives me so many emotions. Demi dedicated to her baby sister as a promise that she will always be there for her. It is in the perspective of Demi when she woke up in the ICU following the overdose. She heard someone calling out to her but didn't know who it was, not even recognizing the voice. Doctors realized that Demi was legally blind after suffering from 3 strokes caused by the overdose, and she wasn't able to see her little sister Madison sitting at the side of her hospital bed. For a little background, back when Demi went to rehab the first time when she was 18 years old, she was told that she would not be able to see Madison if she didn't get herself together. It ironically came full circle: she did not stop doing drugs and ended up literally unable to see her sister.

Verse 1 and Chorus:

The song starts with Demi saying that she never wanted Madison to "watch [her] fall from grace" or relapse and overdose again. "Fall from Grace" normally refers to losing admiration and respect for someone; this is the last thing Demi wants. Demi always wanted to be better for her sister; Madison says that even with all the things Demi has been through, Demi is her role model and hero. Still, Demi's lyrics mention that she wants Madison to be able to look up to her and make sure that Madison doesn't fall into the same patterns of addiction that she did. She also wants Madison to know that she wants to be by her side and be her support no matter what, even though she struggles with being a "good big sister".

The chorus begins, and you hear Demi's promise to Madison explicitly:

Tuck your hair behind your ear Until you fall asleep I'll say a prayer and keep you near You're always here with me I promise, I'll be there, don't worry

Demi mentions that Madison is always there for her, so she intends to do the same. She continues saying that she "was blind" but now she can see clearly. This is both her saying that she was wrong to make the choices that she made and that she lost her vision. She follows that up by saying "but now I see clearly, I see you." This could allude to the fact that Demi has regained her vision, though she still has blind spots. It could also mean that she recognizes where she failed and how clearly she can see how much her sister means to her and how amazing she is/how much she is to lose. The "I see you" is also, obviously, a play on ICU (or intensive care unit, the hospital unit Demi was in after the overdose.)

Verse 2, Chorus 2, and Outro:

This begins with Demi saying that although she sees herself in Madison, she knows that Madison is strong enough to not fall into Demi's destructive patterns. She believes that not only can Madison "overcome anything in [her] way" and "change the world", but she can continue to give Demi strength. She begins her promise/chorus again after telling her that Madison will always be her baby sister.

"ICU (Madison's Lullabye)" ends with Madison telling her big sister "I love you, Demi". We hear Demi respond: "I love you, too". And then in the remix, you can hear my sobbing and crying into the ether because I am so fucking emotional right now.

Side note: the Visualizer for this song is beautiful. It contains blurry and double-vision-like images of the ICU, brain images, and more, representing Demi's damaged vision following the strokes.

[neo-culture-mafia]

Chest Fire (l.dh)

Warnings: |Strong Themes| |Triggering Themes|

Summary: He wasn't the same. No one was, really. But, especially him...Donghyuck. He lost you and can't bear feeling sober anymore. He needed to be numb so he didn't feel himself and get lost in his own mind. But the guys are getting tired of watching Donghyuck drink away his money--but the damage had already been done.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Donghyuck stumbled the now home feeling club where sweaty bodies pressed against each other and peach scented vodka drifted through the humid and sticky air.

The alcohol was making his fingers turn into fire as his toes curled in his combat boots. Another random girl walked up to offer him a dance, but he turned her away already knowing that she couldn't move like you. You were special, and no whore at the club could compare to you, yet he still came crawling back here for the simple fact he couldn't crawl back into bed with you.

He was lost and needed help because his heart was losing its sense of direction. The booming of the bass vibrated through his shoes as his fingers curled into his palm. He needed to stay balanced and he was finding it harder with every passing minute.

He lousily made his way over to a bar stool, not wasting a second before sitting down. "Anoth-" Hyuck was cut off by the bartender. "Im sorry buddy, I'm cutting you off. You've had way too much to drink tonight." He said and Donghyuck was just sitting there, his mouth wide open in shock.

"I am...You-you should..." He slurred over his words, trying to at least get 5 more drinks out of the bartender he now deemed as a friend. Yet, this guy saw himself as Hyuck's friend too, and friends don't let each other kill themselves by drinking their pain away...even though it might help.

Yet, the raging fire in Hyuck's chest only became more apparent at the sudden news of his cut off.

"I think it's time I call Mark, Hyuck. It's time to go home." The bartender said grabbing his phone from his back pocket; and like a cherry bomb...Hyuck exploded.

"No." He slammed his fists on the bar like a 5 year old. "No no no." He repeatedly said slamming his hands down. "Give me more. You're not my father." Donghyuck said and the bartender just sighed and felt pity at the sight.

Stares were coming from each direction as the man gave in to Donghyuck's wants for more liquor. Hyuck sat down, drinking his beer through a straw because he had read somewhere that women liked 'sophisticated' men. Yet, even after 20 minutes of him sitting there sipping his bitter liquid through a neon yellow bendy straw, he finally gave up when he was now drinking air through the endless loops of the bendy plastic.

Even if someone came over and talked to him, he knows he could never take them home to where you used to lay; where you and him had pillowtalks; where you and him did things that only the moon kept secret. It would never be the same...no matter what girl came skipping along.

This was his last resort on trying to cap the memories he had with you. The alcohol was no match for his loneliness though, and it was starting to show. "Hey buddy, you good?" The bartender asked, putting a hand on Hyuck's shoulder. "Uh yeah...totally." Donghyuck chuckled. He turned to face the other man again. "How much is my tab?" Hyuck asked as he grabbed his wallet.

"Why? Usually you pay after 2 weeks." The guy said as he dried a glass lazily. "Not this time my man." Hyuck said fooling around with his wallet. "No, seriously. It's fine." The bartender said going into a folder and ripping up pieces of paper that were labeled as receipts.

"I was gonna pay!" Hyuck said getting defensive. "No...I promise it's fine." The bartender said and Hyuck groaned as he still slipped a 100 out and gave it the worker. "For all the trouble I caused." He said and the man just grabbed it hesitantly. "Thank you?" He questioned, but Hyuck was already out the door with another beer in his ring adorned hand.

He stumbled in a literal circle for 20 minutes. "Hyuck." He heard someone call. It sounded like you. He immediately stopped and looked at the beer. "Hyuck!" Someone screamed this time. "Y/n?" He called out, turning around now. His heard was whooshing with all the passing traffic; all the bright city lights blending together. The fire on his chest wanting to grow more and more at the such sweet sound.

"Y/n!" He yelled and the people passing him gave dirty looks but he was trying to find you. "Hyuck." Someone grabbed him from behind. He whirled around and was met eye to eye...with Jaemin. "...y/n..." is all that Hyuck muttered to himself.

"No. It's Jaemin." Jaemin reassured and the delirious boy could only nod, meaning he could understand him. "It's time to go home now." Jaemin said holding Hyuck's arm and leading him to a car.

"Can we go to y/n's place?" Hyuck asked like a five year old who just lost his favorite toy. Jaemin opened the passenger door and helped the boy in.

You and Jaemin were twins. You were siblings but acted like best friends, so naturally when you and Hyuck started dating, the three of you became family. So seeing Hyuck so hung up about you leaving him...it hurts Jaemin too.

"I don't think that's a good idea, buddy." Jaemin sighed, buckling his best friend up. "Please. I need to see her." Hyuck gripped Jaemin's hand. "Please." He choked out, tears ready to spill at any moment.

Jaemin removed his hand and groaned; slamming the door with such a force that it rocked the car a little.

-------------

"We're here." Jaemin braked hardly infront of the homes for you and what seemed like a million other people. Hyuck was jolted awake, but he was still thankful for the hour trip Jaemin made.

Jaemin just looked out his window and sulked like a pouty baby. Hyuck had sobered up a little and he was able to control himself and his own body.

He hopped out of the car and walked the short way to the gate. He opened the small gate and walked up the foot path to your house. The walking distance felt like muscle memory as he recognized the familiar feeling.

He was then met with the glimmering marble stuck in the ground. He stared at your engraved name in the ground. He just sighed, falling to his knees. "...hey baby..." He said sitting on his bottom and crossing his legs so he sat like a kindergartener in class.

"I miss you." He sighed again, tracing hearts next to your name. "Jaemin misses you...he's just...scared to come visit you..." Hyuck said looking back to the boy sitting in the car. Even in the complete darkness of night, anyone could see Jaemin's body shake with sobs. The light behind him made it look like a shillouete. It was absolutely beautiful yet heartbreaking.

Yet his body straightened again and you could see Jaemin light a cigarette quickly.

Donghyuck looked back down to you. "Jaemin started smoking again." He sighed and picked at the weeds growing around your headstone. "Renjun doesn't come out of his room except for missions." He said and recalled what the others were doing.

"I caught Jisung in your room, trying to talk to you...he's been a mess." Hyuck told of the younger boy, totally lost with the fact you aren't around anymore. "And...we're just all...really sorry it happened like this."

You died in a mission gone wrong. You had the option of staying in the truck with Chenle, or accompying Hyuck and Jaemin into the warehouse where Jeno, Renjun, and Jisung were working undercover. You all didn't hear the man sneaking up behind you, and when you did...it was too late.

Hyuck was twirling his engagement ring around his finger. "This is useless." He said and took it off, setting it right next to yours that was locked in marble forever. He leaned back and looked at the stars. They were so bright that night. It was crazy. "...let me let you go already..." He mumbled as he watched a star fizzle out completely.

"I love you." Hyuck said leaning down and kissing your stone sweetly. "...wait for me..." He said as he got up and walking away back to the car. He hopped in, now completely sober after the experience.

"Ready?" Your brother asked, ready to speed away from this place that held you imprisoned. "Yeah...I'm ready." Hyuck said and they zoomed away as if they were still threatened by the attacker that took you.

"..soon enough..." Hyuck whispered to himself, setting his chin in his hand and looking into the city. "...soon enough..." He closed his eyes.

----------

THE NEXT DAY

Hyuck didn't sleep at night, literally. He sat up on the rug the whole night, afraid of the harsh reality that once he opened his bedroom door, you wouldn't be there. He knew you weren't there, he just doesn't want to accept it.

You both were so strong and had so many plans for the future. You both wanted kids, a home, a life...and it was all down the drain now.

It was just getting harder to live everyday when his every breath felt like a gunshot to the chest. His mind was a bomb, and it was going off every time he is reminded of you and the way you used to tell him it was okay.

"You fucker." Jaemin yelled as he shot the man down quickly. Hyuck dropped his gun and grabbed you as you began to drop.

"Chenle, get 127 unit down here, man down." Jaemin called and Hyuck was still frozen in shock, yet the bullet stuck in your neck made him snap in and out of this icy trance.

"Come on, you got this. Keep your eyes open." Hyuck said taking off his bandana and getting ready to wrap it around your throat so it can stop the bleeding. Yet, you wouldn't be able to breath . Him and Jaemin realised this at the same time, as your eyes became icy and pale. You were dying. You realised this too. It would be a painful and gruesome way to go, but it was happening.

"It's okay." You motioned with your mouth, the hole in your throat, not letting you speak. The look on your fiancés face would haunt you to the other side. He looked so...scared. "It's okay. I'm here." You mouthed again and touched his cheek. He just looked down at you as you took your final breath. Jaemin hasn't told anyone yet, but he was so ready to pop one on himself in that very moment, yet he was so convinced this was a dream that all he did was stare down at your cold and pale face.

Jaemin woke up the next morning and wished he didn't. Hyuck didn't sleep till the next night; he was too afraid of the dark and the thoughts that would cloud his mind once he was alone, wanting to be with you.

Hyuck was now laying in a baby position, holding his legs close to his chest. The knocking on the door brought him out of his dark thoughts. "Open." He mumbled and the door opened to Jaemin.

"Dude...we've been at training for an hour now." He said and all Hyuck did was nod, understanding what he was saying. "Sorry?" He yawned and Jaemin slumped at his friends expression.

He sat down next to his laying position.

It was pure silence until it was sliced by Hyuck's heartbreaking confession. "It hurts." He said, and Jaemin didn't have to be a genius to figure out what he was talking about. "I know...i know." He said putting his hand on Donghyuck's shoulder. "It hurts so much." Hyuck cried, curling up into a tighter ball.

The firey feeling in Hyuck's chest was like never before. It felt so much different as your literal other half held him as he cried like a child.

The burning was unbearable as his eyes screwed shut in pure agony. Jaemin couldn't help the tears from pouring either. Sitting on the ground in yours and Hyuck's apartment was all too real. It was too real you weren't here anymore.

Hyuck finally calmed down and looked to his friend. "...please...please end this..." He begged and Jaemin couldn't yell at him. He wanted to end this pain too. The bottle of aspirin wasn't doing anything anymore. It all hurt too much for any medication to numb it.

"...I'm...not going to kill you..." Jaemin breathed, the words falling out of his mouth. "...please..." Hyuck became desperate to make the raging in his chest and head stop.

"I'm...no." Jaemin said standing up now, leaving Hyuck on the floor. "It hurts...I know...It hurts like hell. But, you can't give up now. She wouldn't be happy with this..." Jaemin started getting into his own mind.

He had been so long without one of your hugs or seeing you smile at his surprise tickle attacks.

"I...I know it seems like the only way. I know that." Jaemin said pulling at his hair.

"Because it is." Hyuck bursted through the air, throwing the TV remote at the wall. It ended up hitting the vase and made it shatter into a million little pieces.

"I'm tired! I'm tired of coming home alone! I could lie, and say it's okay and that I like it that way, but I don't!" Hyuck screamed, kicking things around to get his point across.

"It feels as if I'll never be happy again, and at this point I don't care. I just want this..." Hyuck said pointing to himself and all around the room. "this....I want this to end..."

They were left together in the quiet room, the only sound being their breathing. They could only look at each other at a time like this.

-----------

"I just don't know what to say anymore." Mark sighed as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair. They were all in practice, and Jaemin had left about an hour ago to find Donghyuck.

"None of us do." Renjun mumbled, twisting his leather bracelet around his wrist.

"He's gonna end up killing himself if we don't do something." Mark said what everyone was thinking. "We just need to get him out of the house." Mark finished as he grabbed his jacket.

"No...we should let him be alone...he'll just be aggressive if we tell him to move on." Jisung finally piped in, trying to get everyone to turn around and leave Hyuck alone.

"Jaemin has it...it will be okay." Jisung said, more of assuring himself than anyone else.

Everyone looked at each other in silence, even though they knew it wouldn't be okay...ever.

"...okay..." Mark said dropping his jacket and walking back over slowly.

"...30 pushups..." Mark said and the Junior Forces hit the ground, their worry and fear going into the performance they were all wearing on their face.

----------

"...i'm cold..." Jaemin muttered and Hyuck could only nod, the tears falling down into the blue water. "...me too..." He muttered.

He held Jaemin close to his chest, the water sloshing over the sides a little bit. "...it's going to be okay..." Jaemin reassured Hyuck, but also himself. "...i know..." was all that was muttered from the slightly older boy.

"...thank you..." was the last thing said by Hyuck before he grabbed Jaemin's hand. He closed his eyes as the banging and yells from the front door began to get more violent, the rest of the units trying to get to them. Yet, they were in the bathroom and no one could make it to them in time. It was already over.

Jaemin gripped Hyuck's hand one more time as he felt everything become still, shuttering in the cold water that entrapped both of their bodies. Both of their eyes closing, and the raging fire in their chests finally stopped....

...everything stopped...

○••••••••••••••••○

I honestly think this is the worst thing I have ever written, to be completely honest.

I might do a couple time stamps for what happens after...but...yeah. I hope you enjoyed it, and sorry in advance if I made you cry.

Love,

~J

[theclaravoyant]

I just saw your post about "taking meds doesn't make you weak" and it made me kind of emotional, so, you know, if you ever feel like writing Fitz taking his meds (and getting the care he deserves/needs, tbh), I'd lowkey die. Love you.

AN ~ That’s my secret Cap, I always feel like writing about Fitz taking his meds and getting the care he deserves/needs :P I tried to fit in an S5 section but I couldn’t find a way of dealing with That Ep that sat well with me so have some S2 May & Fitz instead.

Also suits @leofitznetwork‘s May is for Mothers challenge. Happy Mothers Day!Also tagging @agentcalliope bc I haven’t seen her around these days but the spirit of Mamma May & Fitz’s brotps are always with us both.

Read on AO3 (~1300wd)

-

Help

When May heard the knock at her door, she wasn’t expecting it to be Fitz on the other side. He didn’t tend to voluntarily seek out interaction with anyone these days. Still, she was glad to see him – even if the way he curled his shoulders and looked at the floor was so different than before. He’d always been a little bit shy, but when it came to his work, he’d been just as proud; defensive, even a show-off at times. She hadn’t even really noticed, that unstable coexistence was part of him, until it had disappeared.

“Can I talk to you?” he asked, barely more than a mumble.

“Of course. Come in.”

It was curiosity and sympathy in equal parts that made May stand behind her desk, welcoming Fitz into the room with his armfuls of blueprints. Fitz met her eyes asking for permission for something, and when she provided no objection, he moved her chairs about until he could spread his blueprints over a bumpy self-assembled surface. He’d drawn a plane. An impressive one. She perused it carefully for a moment, before Fitz called back her attention.

“It’s- it’s a plane,” he explained. “Bigger than the Bus. Better. More… More… Better, it’s just, it’s better.”

He waved dismissively over his shoulder at something she couldn’t see, and then quickly shuffled through the blueprint sheets to find the one he was after. Perhaps he had been contemplating explaining the many features of the plane to her, May speculated, but upon realising how hard it would be, had decided to skip ahead through the presentation. She waited patiently, until she realised that he was holding a pen out to her. The sheet now at the top of the heap was some kind of control panel – the cockpit, she realised.

“You’re the pilot,” he said. “It’s yours.”

May took the pen. “You want my opinion? My thoughts on this?”

Fitz nodded. He watched the tip of the pen. May pulled off the cap but couldn’t quite bring herself to unnecessarily mark his meticulously drawn plans. How long must these have taken? So instead she handed the pen back and simply pointed out:

“It’s good. But if you can get this and this closer together, that would be better. Also, if this switch could be on the left –“

“I can do that.” Fitz smiled, hopeful, and made a few scribbles on his plan anyway. “Anything else?”

“I suppose Coulson wants a cupholder?” May let her lip curl up in a smile and Fitz snorted. It was not so long ago that he and Coulson had theorized adding all manner of ridiculous unnecessary installations to the Bus; it seemed only logical that, even in their more thrifty circumstances, at least some amenities should remain. Gleefully, he made a note of this.

Then he looked over his shoulder, at nothing again, and frowned. Scowling back down at the blueprints before him, his grip tightened on the pencil until the nib pressing into the paper snapped. May frowned too.

“You okay?”

Fitz waved her off, cursing as he erased the nonsensical spattering of markings he’d just made. “Tired, that’s all.”

“Have you taken your meds?”

“N-No.” Fitz ducked his head. May’s eyes narrowed slightly and he felt the need to explain himself. “I don’t like it. It makes me feel gross.”

“Gross how?” May put a hand to her stomach. “Gross here?”

“No. Gross. Bad.” Fitz struggled to say what he meant. There must be something, the word for it, the word for what he felt when other people looked at him, when they saw him taking medication or talking to himself or rocking or stuttering. When the doctors talked slowly to him as if they thought he might not understand. It reminded him – it reminded him of how Ward and his dad and that lot had always looked at him. “Weak.”

May raised her eyebrows a little.

“You think taking your medication makes you weak?” she asked him. “Makes you a worse Agent?Fitz shrugged. He wanted to say how he didn’t think that was possible, how being like this was about as useless as he could get as far as being an Agent was concerned, but try as he might he couldn’t object: he liked the sympathy. His body and mind lapped it up. It had been so long, he thought, since somebody had even tried to understand.

“Fitz,” May went on, her tone concerned and a little scolding. “Do you know how many other people on this base take medication?”

Fitz shrugged again.

“Do you know I used to take medication just like yours?”

That stopped him. Puzzled him. He looked up, fixating on May’s face and checking for tells – people were lying more and more to him these days, and he wasn’t always good at knowing when. But she seemed earnest. That didn’t fit. How could that crawling pity, that sense of helplessness, how could that reconcile with one of the strongest women he knew? How could anyone dare look at her like that?

“You remember The Cavalry?” May pressed.

Fitz nodded, a little hesitantly. He still felt bad, for being one of thousands of people who’d once made jokes out of that. He’d still not apologised. Not technically. But he did remember.

“After that, I went through… a very bad time,” May continued.

This made Fitz feel worse. He wasn’t much used to her confessing that anything was a very bad time. If he knew stoics – and he did – that was more than an understatement.

“I did a lot of things to get through it,” May explained. “I did meditation, I did exercise, I did all those things – it wasn’t until much later I had medication. I thought like you. I thought it would make me look weak, make other people think badly of me. Now I think it was what helped me get strong again. I had a life once, and it fell apart because of what happened in Bahrain. Sometimes – sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d taken the advice of a man I once knew, and tried it a little earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost… what I did.”

Fitz blinked, bewildered and a little overwhelmed. He’d never heard such a string of words come from May’s lips, not authentically at any rate, and that was alarming enough. The thought of her, though – her, of all people - having her body, her life beyond her control too; having a blanket of depression that was perhaps even heavier than his; it was a sobering thought.

It had sobered her too, apparently, and she drew a rattling breath.

“Look, all I’m saying is, medication is a tool,” May clarified. “You know for a fact it helps you, and only you know how much. Only you can decide if it’s worth it in the end, but what matters is: it’s okay to need that help. It’s okay. I promise.”

“Really?”

“Really.” May swallowed, hard. “Don’t let yourself lose what I lost just because people look at you differently now. They’ll do that anyway. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of yourself.”

The way May held his gaze when she finished sent a chill down Fitz’s spine. It was as though he’d witnessed some sort of witching hour, a realm just a little outside reality. Yet the way her eyes pierced through him was as real and as May as anything he’d ever felt. More than anything, it told him he was loved here. He was loved far and away above the value of his sketches or his words or even his badge. He was loved beyond any sense of weakness that he might be thinking they perceived.

But he wasn’t sure how to tell May he’d figured out any of this, or how much he appreciated it, so he simply nodded instead.

“I will.” And gathered up his sketches. “Thanks for your help.”

“If you need anything else,” May said, “let me know.”