#in so many ways i have had really negative experiences because of transitioning - but the joy always outweighs the pain

[uncanny-tranny]

r u chill w non transitioning ppl?

Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).

Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are

[hwnglx]

Hiii can I ask you how the riize members are feeling after seunghan was forced to go in a hiatus? Thank youuu

how do riize feel about seunghan's hiatus?

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

okay, remember i solely focused on the members' emotions here, so in general the energy is very messy. each member's feelings are pretty complicated and different, also a lot of it is surpressed, so much caution around what they express and what they keep to themselves. they seem to be walking on egg shells, esp when faced with the company, just having no choice but to accept whatever decision is made. you gotta remember they just debuted and are afraid of messing up by voicing their opinion impulsively. so they're just kinda nodding at everything, i feel like.

shotaro 10ofp, pagofw&lovers+kingofw, 7ofp, aceofp, 10ofc

his priority is in the future and stability of the group.. you can tell he's the oldest just by his mindset, and the fact that many big decisions seem to be made by him. i can tell his previous experience helps him a lot in giving the newly debuted and more insecure members a push in confidence and braveness. he's encouraging them and trying to establish an attitude focused on hard work and patience, but also really wanting to keep the group in harmony. it's pretty interesting, because i literally can't see any glimpse of seunghan in here? he doesn't consider him much and believes if his hiatus is what had to happen for the group to get to a successful and stable place, then so be it. not much emotional attachment to the situation, very driven and work-focused mindset for him.

eunsok 4ofsw, 5ofsw, 9ofsw, 10ofsw, 7ofp, knofp

okay, he's definitely one of the more affected members. seunghan's hiatus seemed to have driven him to an anxious and tense state full of doubts, i can see him constantly worrying about the ways in which the negativity of the scandal could affect them. he felt pretty helpless, like he couldn't really do anything other than watching everything happen. there were different stages of emotion for him, from hopelessness to anxiety to feeling like this was a significant "rock bottom" moment for them. however, the 10 of swords is the last card of its suit (plus it transitioned in this spread starting from the 9 of swords), so things seem to have slowly moved up again considering the pentacles i got afterwards. i previously got the seven of pentacles for shotaro as well, so it seems like they're trying to just believe in the power of hard work and remain patient, believe in the process. there's this sense of optimism now, where they try to hold on to the belief that this might be beneficial in the long run.

sungchan 5ofp, moon, devil&10ofc, kingofc

phew, the situation messed him up for sure. i feel like he's especially stressed about the amount of things happening without him knowing. it seems like he didn't know about the things seunghan was doing. a lot of deception here.. he feels wronged and definitely blaming him here, thinking he was an idiot for spoiling the group in such a reckless and selfish manner. (no offense, that's what i'm picking up.) like i can tell he hates how the scandal affected the group's mood and harmony, he seems to be someone who truly values this collective feeling of contentment, wants everyone to be happy. he's someone very emotionally intelligent and mature though, so he's focused on being the bigger guy in this situation. (he's still the one arguing the most tho. like, stepping up and talking the most.) not sure if he's the leader, i don't know much about the group in general, but it seems like his mood has huge impact on the group's dynamic, which he's aware of. so he's trying to be the strong shoulder to lean on, though deep inside i can sense a lot of frustration.

wonbin strength, judg, moon, 2ofsw, 6ofp, queofc, fool, 10ofc, tower&justice

so much major arcana, seems to be the most emotional one out of all them, very big feelings. it's very messy. i think he himself gets confused and overwhelmed by his emotions a lot. the scandal really stirred things up in him. it especially made him look back on himself a lot. i can tell wonbin is someone very focused on upholding a clean and faultless image, he cares a lot about what people think. so in a way, he believes seunghan was just being idiotic and immature. he thinks his band member should've been more responsible in what he does, since he's an idol now, and the result is just a cause of his impulsive actions. still, he seems to be the only member who actually genuinely felt bad for seunghan (like i'm not gonna lie, most of them don't care much about him and primarily about themselves 😬) and let him know he's there for him. i can see him hugging seunghan.

sohee aceofp&6ofsw&8ofp, aceofc, knofp&8ofc

more than anything, sohee sees the situation as a new beginning for them. making the transition from the ace of pents to the 8 of pents, he believes it made them work even harder, putting in twice the effort, making sure the negativity of the situation doesn't stand in their way. it's almost like it gave him a push of motivation? the six of swords does have a bittersweet undertone, putting a member on hiatus wasn't his most ideal outcome. but idk, i can just see him trying to see the good side of it all. the eight of cups is kinda similar here, since it also indicates leaving something behind for the better. however, cups represent emotion. combined with the knight of pentacles, he's ready to leave behind what doesn't serve him anymore, or in this case a member who's continuously had "bad" influence on the group, despite there being certain emotions tied to him. he isn't over the moon happy, but at the end of it all, he thinks this was the right decision for the group's trajectory and their careers. anton moon&sun, 5ofw&star, queofsw&justice

anton is the third member i got the moon for, so they definitely felt lost and confused on how to deal with everything. a scandal happening so early in their career caused them to feel pretty insecure and uncertain. with the moon, there's also a sense of hiddenness. i can just tell communication is on the more difficult side for this group, since they're still getting to know each other. (i can see sungchan being the most vocal one, and the rest just kinda watching him shout?) anton is another member who felt a lot, thought a lot, but didn't really know how to express it, or how much to reveal. the five of wands definitely reveals a lot of conflict, external and internal. however the sun and the star card following the two negative ones, is a good indicator. he was able to avert his focus on his own goals and dreams. "he did it to himself, whatever." is the vibe i get. anton doesn't care much about things unless they concern himself, i will say. he seems like the type to believe in karma, so he doesn't really feel bad for seunghan persé, since he just should've known better in his eyes. he's just trying to move on from it without letting it affect him emotionally.

[karrenseely]

Silver Linings

I just realized something. I learned about the existence of Trans people when I was 12 or 13 I think. I learned about us in a medical encyclopedia. It wasn't a lot to go on, but it definitely was enough. Two things happened when I saw that entry. First I wasn't alone, second I could do something about this.

I absolutely wasn't alone or the only one AMAB who was a girl. That lifted a huge weight off of me, I wasn't alone. People who've never experienced the feeling that you're the only one in the world that seems to not be the way everyone around you is, have no idea how hard that is, I sooo identified with the Last Unicorn as a child. Growing up, I had no positive examples of queer people. None. I can't recall a negative example either that was explicitly queer. There was nothing for me to reference what I was going through. I was taught like all young girls in our society that being a girl is inferior to being a boy (why? Why does our society do this? Even today? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! We're not inferior to men, we never were, but for some reason some narcissistic AH somewhere decided this and then a bunch of other narcissistic idiots with power liked it and here we are living in a patriarchal misogynistic society, which is absolute BS). But I was also taught that being a boy who "wanted" to be a girl (yes I'm aware I was girl all along, though it took me a long time to understand that, because... society) was doubly bad and horrible.

So I was completely ashamed and terrified of anyone learning my secret because I was the only one and I knew it was a bad secret. I'm sure there are other things that happened that taught me this, experiences with my parents, peers, teachers. But I don't remember most of them, and I don't really need to go into it here, as the sadly important point is that I learned very young to be ashamed of myself.

No one ever talked about people like us. Ever. There were the occasional movies involving cross dressing and drag, usually men pretending to be women (notice that key word that differentiates trans people from cis people. Cis people when they cross dress in performative ways are pretending to be the opposite sex or a gender outside the binary. Trans people aren't pretending, we are the gender we identify with.) like Tootsie. I liked the movie, it was nice to see a man who could pretend to be a woman and enjoy some of it. But I never identified with that character, not in any significant life changing way. Because he was a man, he identified as a man throughout the movie and I was a girl forced to be a boy. And most other instances of crossdressing in media were treated as a joke, including Tootsie. "Hello [shame] my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." (1)

So learning I wasn't the only person in the world that felt this way was life changing. It gave me comfort, which I sorely needed. But the second part was just as important. I could actually do something about my body and I could be me. And that gave me hope. Which was sorely needed as I was spiraling downward rapidly at the time. Months later as the horrors of my body changing became more apparent I came out to my parents in desperation, which instead of recognizing me and loving and supporting me, was met w/ dismissal, and attempts to erase me and increased the shaming tenfold. But the one thing that kept me going. The one bright star in that horrible darkness was the knowledge that I could transition someday, not as soon as I'd hoped, not as soon as I needed, but someday. It felt like an eternity away, but it was there, telling me to keep surviving to keep going because I could be me when I got there.

Had I not learned of trans people, I honestly don't think I would have survived my first adolescence. I would just be another dead kid with everyone wondering why I was so depressed and weren't there any signs? (I often wonder how many of the children that manage to kill themselves are queer. Based on proportions of homeless youth, I imagine queer kids are a very large chunk of that statistic.) Just learning about the existence of trans people kept me alive. Knowing I wasn't alone and there was something I could do about it. It was horrifyingly frustrating that I couldn't do anything until I turned 18, but I would be able to do something about it. So learning about trans people saved my life.

Just that one concept, that trans people living their authentic lives existed, was enough to keep me alive. And here is the silver lining that occured to me. Despite all the negative, bigoted, horrible publicity, laws, and hate. Our existence is being talked about a lot. Which means, kids who need to know they aren't alone, that they are not the only one's that feel this way. Are finding out that we exist. Yes they'll need to do research and understand that we and in turn them are not evil, not monsters, not perverts, But beautiful amazing wonderful and caring people. And because of that, maybe. Just maybe, a few more trans kids will survive and maybe even thrive one day, because they learn they aren't alone and there is something they can do about it.

I hope so. I really hope that is the case. I also wish we didn't suffer so much that way, too many of us die. Maybe someday, that will change for the better. (1) Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence."

[smokee78]

This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

[pathetic-tboy]

I started following your blog and I see you post a lot of T4T so I'm just curious like what makes someone a chaser. Like I'm a cis bi/pan guy and I don't really care much who I'm hooking up with but I've found my experiences with trans men and women generally just a lot better than with cis guys or girls. Like I find these days when I'm dating and someone is trans it appeals to me more because if those connections but I don't want to come off as some chaser that just wants to fetishize trans people but I do still seem to just like them more on a personal level. And my last few long term dating were with trans guys. Like I see a lot of your posts and stuff and things like a trans boy puppy and stuff I find hot because like I used to date one but I feel worried reblogging a lot of that stuff and appearing as a chaser. Is this something that's ever come up with you before with cis friends or relationships in the past, and do you have any advice I guess.

Also feel free to just ignore this message if it's TMI or whatever. I just find myself back at dating again and trying to like work it all out ig

totally fine question

everyone has different ideas of what a chaser is, some are more bad faith than others, MY general idea is someone who fetishizes transness and trans bodies

however, some people who also say this also include people who are just attracted to their trans partners/are t4t. so my idea of a fetishist is in a very negative way

what actions i would consider from a fetishist are wanting to control your partners transition, wanting your partner to halt their transition for sexual reasons regardless of what they themselves want, largely doesnt consider their trans partners human on the basis that they're fetishizing them. what this means is that a chaser may consider their partners wellbeing, consent, and opinions secondary to them and/or their fetish

what i DONT believe a chaser is is any person who has a history of dating mostly trans people (or even preferring to date trans people) for any other reason. theres lots of reasons someone may prefer to date trans people, im t4t for safety and comfort reasons

in my idea of what a chaser is, trans people are not excluded from that definition. my nonbinary ex guilted me into not getting top surgery or binding for their sexual fetish of transmasc bodies, and as a result, i lost a lot of my personal identity and my grasp of who i was. however, some people dont believe trans people can be chasers

and, noteably, you can have your preferences in partners influenced by past partners. my first serious trans ex made me realize im really into dominant women who are a little taller than me, for example. its very reasonable that, if you have had very good relationships with trans people, you might want to continue that streak.

also, ignore this bit if its out of pocket, but honestly if you find that you connect more with trans people than cis people, it might be worth exploring your gender a little bit. birds of a feather and all that jazz, yknow?

all in all, i consider a chaser to be inherently in bad faith. if you happen to have a trans partner or even just think trans dudes are hot (we are) then dw about reblogging my stuff! honestly i think with the way social media is right now with everyone assuming bad faith, anyone who even dates a trans person is usually gonna get called a chaser at least once. i've gotten called a chaser so many times, like yall my girlfriend is way worse of a chaser than i am lol

[brilokuloj]

I've been trying harder lately to not be paranoid and assume bad faith in others, so I have chosen to believe that people who post "eww, humans" might not consider how their sentiment impacts people who are already hurting. Frequently, I think they are posting it because of their own bad feelings and struggles, and don't think about how that would make their friends and community feel.

In fact, a lot of the "human bodies are bad" sentiment revolves around how human bodies are impractical (disabled bodies are negative), sex is nasty and genitals are weird (transitioned bodies are negative)...

So, if I may, here are things I think we need more of:

Human positivity, or at least tolerance, especially of the gross and yucky and boring parts

Furries/aliens/robots/etc who love their human partners (and the focus is NOT on how cute or sexy the nonhuman is for doing so). Relationships that are mutual and not a Connecticut Clark joke.

Humans from an alien but not negative perspective

Nonhumanity as not a better but simply alternative experience

and I guess probably this far in you're already thinking "most media is human-positive" but MCU dudes and anime boys are like pugs to me, they can't live.

Characters that live without prosthetics, or get feasible or life-impacting ones, rather than Cool Robot Parts; aesthetics (or sex factor.) should not justify or make up for a disability; a character that makes you think "gee, I wish they would cut my arm off!" is not disability representation. I have experienced people listing Junkrat as proof they could be attracted to me as a mobility aid user.

Humans will not destroy machinery, no robot uprising, but rather they maintain the mutual relationship they've always had (and less of using robots as a stand-in for autism representation. My God.)

Many human women were computers before machines were computers. I just think this is cool and not really explored :(

Top surgery scars that are not like cool perfectly-symmetrical explosions or jagged teeth. Get a tattoo if you want, but a lot of the time scars are raised and shiny, which I rarely see either.

I doubt anyone in the world enjoys their period, but they're frequently pointed to as "proof" that humans aren't worth being. If your periods make you lay down on the floor and want to kill yourself for a week, you seriously should see a doctor if you can. I didn't know until it was way too late that I had other options, because periods are too yucky to candidly discuss and no one told me it wasn't normal.

Testosterone gives you acne. Spironolactone makes you need to pee more. There's a lot of unexpected things like that, and they are not objectively gross or sexy; they're just things that happen, that deserve to be discussed.

Fursuit poodling (having uncovered skin in a partial fursuit). It's not gross, it doesn't 'break the magic'. Fursuiting is sweltering exhausting work, and real humans are inside them, and they deserve to be appreciated.

It can be really hurtful to blithely say that human genitals are disgusting, especially in front of people who may want to one day pursue affirmative surgery. If someone personally doesn't like dongs, I wish they would just say that. Jeez.

Nobody is "better" for having an aversion to human bodies for whatever reason. I understand personally that it can be isolating, especially if those reasons are trauma-related. But turning your sexual attractions into a matter of you being "better", or a clubhouse, is not really coping with it. Disgust is not a judgment of morals or quality. It's an emotion, and one that can be very hurtful to people who are already getting hurt.

Because nothing is Good or Bad. It just is what it is. Judging people's right to exist and be depicted, based on sex appeal or morality (or god forbid, purity, which I've seen more of recently, somehow completely ignoring the religious abuse connotations) is... messed up.

And to make this post not just me complaining, you can share your creations or ideas that you feel like apply, if you want :)

[intersex-support]

I've started grappling with and trying to accept the idea that I am intersex, and just never knew my whole life. Its so vividly painful. Especially trying to know what it may mean for me being trans. Do you how to deal with intersex related trauma? Its difficult to process because gender dysphoria is a large factors influencing how I feel.

I'll add more context here. I'm amab. I am transfem. I think that I have some form of AIS (either partial or mild, im still figuring that out) the best way I can explain my situation is my 1st puberty was much lesser than lets say a cis man for comparison. My body hair has always been thinner and slow growing, I have always been shorter (5'6), I have a curvy figure. (I fully have wide hips and I'm almost certain I've had very small breast buds ever since I was young. My actual chest has always been a bit bigger) I've had far less muscle than most cis men. I have very feminine facial features and have been told I pass without makeup or anything. For as long as I can remember my ejaculate has always been very clear (I suspect I may be infertile, though I've never gotten it tested) my genitals don't seem to have developed at all of the same rate or in the same way as a cis mans. Mine are smaller compared to others. I suspect they may not have ever "fully grown" so to speak. Im not lacking anything or have anything extra.(sorry for genital talk!) I just feel very lost.

Thank you so much

Hi anon 💜

Dealing with intersex related trauma can be so, so difficult, and I'm glad you reached out. I think based on what you shared about your body and puberty that it makes a lot of sense that you think you might be intersex. Those experiences of having different traits than your peers, or going through puberty in a way that was different than you expected, can be really complicated experiences even if we don't feel negative about our body or those traits. It can be emotionally exhausting when we look back through our childhood and analyze our body and experiences to try to put the pieces together and figure all of it out, so I just want to affirm that it's totally okay if you're feeling lost and overwhelmed right now.

It's okay to take things at whatever pace feels right to you. You're the same person that you've always been, even if now you're figuring out new information about yourself and what that means for you. You don't have to change anything about the way you identify or how you move through the world, but it's okay if you do feel like being intersex is impacting your life in a new way. I know I felt really, really confused and was really lost about how being intersex impacted my gender. I felt like I had failed at something, and didn't know if I could still identify as a trans man because I felt like I had never really been "AFAB," in the first place, and I just didn't know what it could look like to be trans and intersex at the same time. But there really are no rules and no right way to do this. I eventually came to really feel secure in my identity as someone who was both intersex and trans. My dysphoria comes from both places, my intersex body feels natural and right, and my trans identity reflects my experiences of growing up one way and then embracing my transition. There's no right way to think or feel about any of this, but know that there are so many trans and genderqueer intersex people out here and that you are absolutely not alone. You can be both trans and intersex and live as both fully.

It really helped me to talk to other intersex people and explore the intersex community. I know that other intersex people have saved my life-the connection and love I've found in the intersex community is really beautiful. If that's something you're interested in exploring, Interconnect used to be the AIS support group and now runs a support group for all intersex people. And if you send an ask off anon, I can send you a link to our intersex discord if that's something you're interested in.

I think something else that helped me to deal with intersex trauma and the process of intersex discovery was just to give myself permission to take things as slow as I needed to and experience all these feelings without shame. Sorting through my feelings around some intersex trauma took years, and a lot of journaling and talking to intersex people and trying to put words to experiences. I didn't feel proud or like I loved my intersex body for so many years, but being in intersex spaces where people were sharing those feelings was something that was so helpful for me. So whatever your journey looks like-whether you want to seek medical involvement right away, whether you want to go through self reflection, whether you want to jump right into community spaces-any of that is so valid.

And I just want to affirm that it's okay if it all feels incredibly painful right now, and at the same time I really truly believe it will not be this painful forever, and I want you to have access to some of that hope. I felt so terrible about being intersex at first and didn't think I could ever feel okay about it, but day by day it started to feel more natural and beautiful and right, and it started to make more sense the way it fit into my life.

Here's a bunch of random resources in case you're interested:

Intersex Variations Glossary

Intersex Organizations

XOXY memoir about living with AIS

Truly sending so much love and solidarity, and feel free to reach out with any questions, if you just need to vent, if you need help navigating the medical side of things--literally anything.

Best wishes 💜💜💜

[genderkoolaid]

sorry for more julia serano talk but this quote just really shows how so much of her theory is based solely off of her experiences as a white trans woman:

"While trans men experience cissexism, their desire to be male/masculine is typically not mocked or derided in the same way—to do so would bring maleness/masculinity itself into question."

She assumes that any critique of minority masculinity would be a critique of privileged masculinity itself: this is clearly untrue to anyone who had an understanding of racism towards men of color, who's masculinity is constantly derided and viewed as lesser, just as trans men's is. Not only will pretty much any transmasc tell you that transmasculinity is constantly mocked and derided, but any marginalized man will tell you that his masculinity is viewed as lesser and made fun of. It doesn't "bring maleness/masculinity into question" because masculinity is only privileged when it's attached to a very specific form of man.

And then there's her exorsexism:

"A recognition of trans-misogyny/trans-masculinism—both within queer and feminist settings, and in society at large—has led many trans women and trans male/masculine allies to critique the growing numbers of trans men who, despite their physical transitions and the fact that they now live as men, still feel entitled to inhabit lesbian and women’s spaces. Such individuals will often justify their continued presence in such spaces by citing their female history, or claiming that they don’t feel “100 percent like a man” (even though they move through the world and are treated as men). Such claims reinforce the popular misconception that transsexual gender identities should not be taken seriously, and thus has had a direct negative impact on trans women’s inclusion in these same spaces. In a sense, these trans men seem to want to have it both ways: being men in the male-centered mainstream and then being “not-men” in queer/feminist/women’s spaces."

I don't think I should have to explain to a trans woman why "this person says they aren't fully a man, but they exist in cis society as one, so they shouldn't be let into our spaces!" is bad for closeted trans women. It's also exorsexist, as she specifically makes it seem like trans men are just doing this an excuse (again, she's assigning an underhanded malevolence to trans men's experiences) so these people's complex gender identities don't exist. Or if they do, they are canceled out by the fact that they pass as men. Additionally, I'm not sure she ever mentions transfems who stay in the gay community. I don't know if there weren't as many when she wrote this, but it feels like she is assuming trans men are unique in feeling connected to their old communities from pre-transition because she is a binary, monogender, gender conforming woman with no desire to be in the gay community. She portrays trans men feeling connected to past (or current) lesbianism as something uniquely shitty instead of something that trans people of all kinds do. And, again, she decides that it is trans men who are the cause of cis women's transmisogyny. The inclusion of trans men in the lesbian community must be responsible for how cis women treat trans women.

And, back to her views on masculinity:

"First, in her historical analysis of transsexuality, Meyerowitz makes the case that, as the media’s (and the public’s) interest in trans women became increasingly sexualizing and sexually explicit, their interest in trans men declined reciprocally.[37] Thus, the relative invisibility of trans men in the media is a direct result of media’s inability to sexualize them—a difficulty that no doubt stems from the fact that maleness and masculinity are not typically sexualized or objectified in our culture."

This is actually what I believe this post was referencing, @transmascrage @happysadyoyo. And if so, it's, uh... not the slam dunk to own the TMRAs they clearly thought it was.

Once again, this is a painfully privileged take. There are porn categories full of fetishizing material of Black men being seen as sexually dominant animals, same with Indigenous men, and (although she won't admit it) so do trans men. Again, maybe this was different when she wrote this, but the idea of "cuntboys" as a fetish is alive and well. We all remember the cursed transmasc Captain America art that had crazy fucking curves? Maybe it was true in the 2000s, but it is clear to me that the fetishizing of transmasculinity has only grown as we've been brought further into the spotlight.

This just... isn't intersectional. I don't know how people can read this and then turn around and act like allies to men of color, as if this view of sexism doesn't erase them & all other marginalized men.

Honestly, the transandrophobia deniers were right. You should read Julia Serano's work, because when you do, suddenly the way people have been viewing sexism, transphobia and trans men makes a lot of sense. And it's not like she has any excuse, because Emi Koyama was able to make multiple statements in later editions of the Transfeminist Manifesto taking responsibility for the erasure of transmasculine, nonbinary, and non-white experiences with transphobia in her work.

[alyjojo]

Cancer Yearly Career & Finance Reading 🪖 2024

Preshuffle: The cards went straight to love, there’s an ex being shown coming back around for some. There was a lot of drama with this person, possible cheating, or talking to other people anyway, it’s possible you’re just stalking them since it’s been over with. Or they’re doing that to you. Especially if you have kids together. The message is that there has been no growth, don’t waste your time. Or the same cycle will repeat again. You could also be facing difficulties regarding children, mostly because of the other parent, or this is an issue with someone in your family.

Meditation: Gosh yours is the most relatable meditation I’ve ever seen, I rolled my eyes and laughed simultaneously. UGH. It was a long looong corridor to get to…your door? A door. Not sure if it was yours, it was just where you were going. You were like “this is going to take forever”, and that was true, but there was a skateboard 🛹 next to you so you could go faster. You didn’t know how to skateboard. You tried and failed several times. Back to walking. Getting impatient you’re like “I HATE THIS SHIT”, moaning and complaining, but you kept getting back on the skateboard. By the time we were close, you had a whole system, and had improved a lot since the beginning, it felt natural to you even. We get to the door. You open it, and it’s completely dark, turn a light bulb on just to see an empty utility closet with a sign on the wall that says “Congratulations! You learned how to skateboard!” Which you then picked up and chucked down the hall 😆

Main Energy: 4 Pentacles rev

There’s a lot of heavy ending energy, and the new beginning you see or will experience later in the year terrifies you. For many, this surrounds love, a toxic relationship or someone deceptive, going through the process of a split when all of your things are owned jointly. There’s an 8th House energy weighing over this heavily, I’m picking up on Cancer risings or someone with Aries/Libra nodes, Chiron, or difficult transits aspecting the 2nd/8th. A battle of independence that may not necessarily be wanted. Some Cancers are the instigators of deception, for crosswatchers. Either way, there are several endings over the course of the year, and will come to a natural conclusion by December - it’s finally over. This could be showing Pluto’s last return to Capricorn, wrapping up finally in November, and from there you’re free…unless you have those placements above. Difficult navigating this year, especially those with pain in the ass ex’s or mutually shared assets. 4 Pentacles rev shows a need to *release* all that you’ve held on to, which can refer to grudges and negative perceptions…around summer that’s true, but it’s also literal. Material possessions. People as possessions. Surrendering to a divine timeline (not your own) seems to be what’s at play this year for you, Timing is important, a lot of this isn’t free will, or it’s not within your control to fix, change, or do anything with. You just have to work with it and allow Spirit to do what they do when it’s time. Procrastination contradicts by saying “that doesn’t mean don’t do anything”, just do what you can. And then rest. Take care of yourself. Sometimes you can only handle day at a time, and that’s okay 💙

January: 9 Pentacles rev & Knight of Pentacles

Oracles: Versatility

Zodiac Signs: Virgo, Cancer, Gemini

Those of you ending deceptive relationships, this happened already, you’re not in the dark. Those in happy relationships can breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ Some of you are the ones playing games, flirting or messing around with other people, and it’s like you’re not happy about it - you just do it? You don’t like to be alone, or some of you are single and dating people you’re not even really into, it’s just better than hanging out by yourself. Or you’re in a loveless connection where there’s no spark, no passion or fun, but you don’t want to end it. Don’t want to fix it or end it - fixing it takes two, that might not be on you if they’ve ended it, or don’t even try.

Regardless of whether love is involved or not (some do, some don’t, both are here), many of you seem to be more of a jack of all trades rather than committed to one thing. The King/Queen of the side hustle, with none of them really bringing in enough to sustain your lifestyle comfortably, but all of them being necessary to make ends meet. At the bottom, you’re bitter, you’re dissatisfied, whatever it is you’re doing currently you hate, but need. Some of you are in full survival mode 😕 You don’t like your options, even when you do look for something better. You could feel defeated, or you’ve been where you are a long time and there’s a sense of loyalty to this thing even if you hate it. You know they’re not paying you enough, but you can’t see any better. Or you wouldn’t accept better even if it were on the table. Procrastination fits where it fits and here it’s fitting with your dissatisfaction, but not doing anything about it. At least try.

February: 7 Swords & The Lovers

Oracles: Exaltation rev

Zodiac Signs: Gemini, Taurus Moon rev

Again there’s a Lover being shown, could be a Gemini or you have that in your chart. Either you’re sneaking around with someone newish because you’re sad about something else that’s ended, possibly a marriage or long term partnership, or a deceptive person has really broken your heart and you’re fixated on the pain right now. Moon in Taurus shows stability, material comforts, financial abundance & growth, but rev those things are missing and you could be beating yourself up with overindulgence. Overeating, or not eating, staying up late, blowing your money on indulgences and not giving af about responsibilities or anything beyond right now in this moment. Destructive Yolo. Or someone else may have a new person and it’s eating you alive, causing sleepless nights, to the point of this affecting your health. You may notice spontaneous gray hairs that weren’t there in the morning (stress can do that). Among other things. Physical symptoms manifested from upset emotions, stress, heartbreak & anxiety. Someone may have slept with the boss. Or wants to, or the boss is a creep and you know they’ll want that if you ask for more money. Some of you could be in sex work, and it’s not even paying the bills for all the ick you have to deal with. Be careful of STD’s or any health concerns related to that, if you’re involved with more than one, get checked out regularly. I see it, I gotta say it. Separately, you may be worried about the health of your father/grandfather, helping care for him. You may try to take care of others at a time you can’t really even care for yourself - but for you it’s a form of self care, feeling needed. You need someone to show up for you like you do others. Medical issues may be a drain on finances, especially for those splitting up, now your (or dads) insulin is all on you and you can barely afford the basics, that’s the example I got.

March: 5 Swords & 10 Swords

Oracles: Loss

Zodiac Signs: Gemini & Pisces Sun/Saturn

Similar energy as before. Mourning something, and that could be literal, if so my heart goes out to you. That won’t be for everyone. Some of you are worrying yourselves sick over an illness, could be yours, a parent/grandparent, someone you love. This could also be an ending to a relationship, or your ex’s new person, thinking about it is driving you insane but you can’t do much else, can’t help it. If they’re not talking to you, you’re very upset. Even if you were the one playing around, it may be betrayal on your own hands and you still feel sick over it now that the reality of loss is sinking in. The ex could be cruel, underhanded, saying and doing things they know are going to cut you to the core, because they’re vengeful. Or that’s you. Someone is acting kinda crazy over a Tower that’s occurred, and rather than being hurt they’re pissed off & out for revenge 💯

If you’ve had some sort of work done, surgery or…I’m getting a possible malpractice situation here, like a loved one (or you) being mishandled by doctors somehow, bad side effects, problems created fixing other problems, that’s specific for someone, it’s causing you a lot of grief and worry - or this is a note telling you that’s the problem not you, you’d know if that’s you. A medical problem could be worse if it’s been there but not taken care of for too long. Some of you could greatly benefit from counseling, mental health is highlighted as well, but be careful with what they try to give you, don’t be someone’s guinea pig. It’s normal to feel however you feel, and you shouldn’t have to do it alone. If you’re getting divorced, you could be losing a lot of money on that, or that’s what you’re so stressed about, whether you have already or it’s pending, you’re afraid they’re gonna “take you for all you have”, especially if deception is involved somehow. Or that could be your plan, if this is switched. This could also describe a job loss (because of medical leave?) you never saw coming, could be you or an ex asking for help even though the two of you are not on the best terms. It may be medicine that’s needed. The other person may be snide af about it, or “hang you out to dry” and refuse. There’s no good news I’m seeing at this time, The Hanged Man is showing a need of a perspective switch, seeing things from a higher viewpoint. Endings lead to new beginnings, though I’m not sure you’ll be ready to consider that this month. Not yet. Saturn Pisces can show illusions and confusion, your own emotions turning against you. The bottom of the deck shows you need self-care, healing, and rest 🙏

April: 3 Wands & The High Priestess

Oracles: Escape & Patience

Zodiac Signs: Aries, Virgo Jupiter, Heavy Pisces Sun/Mars

I’m not sure if this month is about Procrastination or Timing, maybe both, yours are the first oracles that seem to apply every month, not just here and there. This is a month of fantasy 😵‍💫 and delusion on some level, but you have to dream your dreams in order to make them a reality, or manifest them, and it looks like that’s what you’re doing. You want to jump ship, start over, something passionate, fun, gets your blood pumping, makes you feel alive again! That could be anything, but whatever it is can’t be impulsively done (or you just have too much sense for that), Patience opposes this Escape energy to keep one foot in reality while your head is in the clouds. Fantasizing about what life could be like. It’s a welcome distraction from the heaviness & hurt you’ve experienced. For some this may be about a lover, dreaming up a new ideal, and for others this is about glowing up and taking charge of your life, doing what you’ve always wanted to do. Timing is definitely at play, so is karma, you know it’s not the right time because of xyz (maybe you need more money), but the idea is there and the goals are maybe being formulated. Played with at least. Money is being extravagantly spent on anything you could want with no regard for future saving/needs, you could go on a shopping binge and not even know how you spent $500+. Or that’s what you’re dreaming of. Lots of little amusements to distract you from heavy emotions. You could listen to music more or find a new artist you adore, concert tickets is probably one of these indulgences, but it would be for a later date with this anticipation energy, probably clothes to match & beauty products with Queen of Wands at the bottom.

May: King of Wands & The Chariot rev

Oracles: Practicality

Zodiac Signs: Pisces, Gemini, Capricorn Moon

King of Wands can be another person, someone you’re romantically involved with. Or it’s you, ready to take the actions you’ve been dreaming up in your head, you’ve waited for this day, anticipated change, passion, a new beginning that really makes you feel good…and then you’re blocked. Or this person is. What’s blocked differs. Some may have literal car or transportation issues. For others it’s work, an emergency pops up, or someone just has an excuse…whatever it is, it’s rooted in logic and practicality, and it’s a karmic situation for someone. Maybe someone is supposed to go to a concert with you and they don’t, or can’t, you could go with someone else at the last minute. Or you have car trouble and meet someone the day you have to walk to a place to buy a tire, maybe they work there. It doesn’t have to be bad, Wheel of Fortune (timing) is showing that whatever isn’t working out - is for a reason, and whatever is showing up - there’s also a reason. In some way, you have no control over what’s going on, but Spirit has your back and they’re putting the pieces into place so that you may receive what you need *when* you need it. Or, when they know you need it.

If you have car problems, this could be a lover (or ex?) stepping up to help, if that is sort of person they are. Practical, humble, still good looking. You could feel devastated all over again because they’re being nice to you. Or the pride burns, because you need help, and they’re the ones still willing. Or switch that. One of you is loving and kind, the other is detached and straight to the point, not entertaining romance, but may be being nice. You could put yourself in a financial pickle 🥒 helping someone else out, or paying them back because you don’t want any handouts from someone that doesn’t care, hurt you, something like that. Or if someone’s giving you rides, you’re paying them, and it’s expensive. Your pride is wounded, someone’s is 🙏 Separately, someone may not show up to a court hearing and automatically lose, or there are consequences for not showing up to something…work possibly.

June: 9 Wands rev & The Hermit

Oracles: Acquisition & Empathy

Zodiac Signs: Gemini, Virgo, Taurus, Pisces Moon

Pisces & Gemini, over and over again. Always with some grounded earth energy to keep you planted. One side of you (Pisces) is reaching for the exit point, dreaming up an escape, lost in daydreams and procrastinating per the oracles. Another side of you (Gemini) is endlessly curious, probably going down a rabbit hole or two, actually putting some intellectual effort into these daydreams. How much does a plane ticket cost? Looking at houses in other areas. Applying for jobs even. It’s an equal mix of fantasy & intellectual curiosity, “what would happen if I just did this” and then you make some sort of effort. Maybe. That’s that energy Spirit wants you to be in, whether you’re going after the right things…probably not, there are more months in this tortured stuckish energy.

Some of you had a plan, last month you were blocked from actually doing that, and this month you give up altogether. It’s not meant to be or it would happen. Could be relating to travel or relocation. Whether you are or you’re not, you’re giving up and throwing in the towel with some situation that’s only driven you crazy, in order to find new love, new passions, loving yourself and doing what’s best for yourself 👏

July: The Star & Knight of Wands rev

Oracles: Inheritance & Drama

Zodiac Signs: Leo Mercury, Scorpio Saturn

You’ve had it with sadness! Good for you. The first half of the year is pretty rocky, here’s hoping things start changing in this cycle you’re going through - which is being said as “the drama is inherited”. That’s deep. A parent or family member may have gone through something eerily similar, and you’re a generational curse breaker, doing things in the ways they didn’t, putting yourself first and telling this situation to fk right off. Queen of Cups & Ace of Cups is what keeps repeating as your dreams, what you fantasize about, what you *really* want. A new beginning. Without betrayal, pain, or bs weighing you down and making you feel terrible. Without fkboy/girl personalities that hurt you. Without temporary jobs and people you can’t rely on.

You’re still in a wounded energy, and you’re still dreaming of what could be - now that you know what you *don’t* want anymore, that makes it a little easier. You dream of leaving everything behind, but there’s practical planning being put behind that now. Some of you are starting to actively look for better opportunities online, jobs with perks and insurance, something stable. You know you won’t feel stable until you go after stable, and while you’re healing you’re realizing that’s what you need. People, jobs, living situations, vehicles, dreams even. 8th House Scorpio energy is powerful here, this situation has been a catalyst for a major “death” and transformation for you - which is what this whole year is about, endings. You will come out of this a different person, and that’s a good thing 🌸 #growth It’s supposed to be this way, your birth chart or transits probably mirror this energy, though no one deserves betrayal, on some level you signed up for this as a catalyst to get where you need to go. You wouldn’t go the way you’re going if you weren’t hurt when you did it, you know? It’s like that. I’m genuinely not making light of any pain 🙏 It’s just that after pain, even during, we still have to do something…sitting in it will just drive you crazy, and repeated 9 Swords show you’ve already been to that level and are trying to pull yourself out of it. Some of you, with help, maybe even professional, and that’s totally normal, that’s why they exist. Whatever you’re ending right now, could seem dramatic or spontaneous, but it’s for your highest good, one step closer to your dreams. Those of you fighting legal battles with an ex may suddenly decide it’s over, you’re done, they win, just end this and take what you want. A loss of money or shared resources seems to be part of this whole karmic situation. If not, a loss of money (child support? Alimony? Paying damages idk) could be the only thing keeping you from just moving on with your life.

August: The Devil & 2 Wands rev

Oracles: Speculation

Zodiac Signs: Capricorn, Aries, Cancer Jupiter

What on earth are y’all going through? The Devil clarified by The Emperor - 9 Swords, The Devil again, and 9 Wands at the bottom. Control at the bottom of the oracle deck, Capricorn Jupiter. I’m like yeah I can see that…good lord. This is family centered. Either you’re dealing with an ex spouse that has you by the cojones when it comes to custody, location, shared resources, children generally, and money…for some of you it could be a father. And for others it’s the law/police. If it’s a boss, it’s because you have families and things wrapped up in your life, you can’t just leave a toxic situation even though it’s toxic. This could be a father that threatens inheritance all of the time, a boss that threatens cutting hours or has toxic behavior you have to put up with, an ex or co-parent that has full control of the finances and kids. 9 Swords shows you being terrified of this controlling situation, and all the little power games involved, you’re afraid to be hurt. More, again, worse. So you play it safe, not so much that you’re a part of this, but you’re codependent to some level to whatever this is, so you’re stuck having to navigate through it.

Outside of that darkness, some of you may be facing consequences for your actions, I heard property damage earlier, substance abuse could be in here, anything regarding the law…you may be unable to leave the area you’re in, stuck doing community service, a loss of finances has been shown several times already, making payments to the ex for who knows how long? If you didn’t have extra money before, you definitely don’t now, you’re up to your neck in anxiety trying to figure out how to navigate this situation without fking yourself. Some of you allow a parent to control you, inheritance would be the example but whether one exists or not, your parent could be a hardass or someone intimidating, and you’re not about to piss them off - so you play it safe. Speculation is about doing things for the family unit, that’s involved no matter what you’re dealing with. If you were trying to move across the world and just bail, you’re not because of family, The Emperor would be you making solid decisions and abiding by a set standard of behavior, being responsible and taking control of a toxic situation or pattern of behavior. Some of you may be quitting addictions, whether by choice or by force (law, forced rehab…is that a thing? It’s here 🤷🏻‍♀️). Or a parent could be holding inheritance over your head *unless* you get clean or act right…that makes more sense.

September: The Fool & 9 Swords

Oracles: Defense

Zodiac Signs: Gemini, Aries, Taurus Sun/Mars

Mars Taurus can show resistance, stubbornness, fighting back. I don’t think it’ll work (if it’s forced/law) but you’re not going down easy that’s for sure. Though a new beginning is here, and is what you’ll inevitably choose, this being forced on you in some way really pisses you off. How dare they, the audacity. You’re afraid to be judged or you don’t like how you’ve been judged, you could feel deeply resentful towards A judge or their decision where you’re concerned. At the bottom, it’s like you waited for someone to “get theirs” and that didn’t happen, you’re getting yours and upset about it. It’s not fair. Timing ⏱️ You’re not the one in control here, Spirit keeps pushing that point. Well you are, but actions have consequences and some things are karmic, you have to move along with how things are going and where they’re headed, even if you’re not always the one driving the boat.

Others of you are fighting back against opposition, oppression, and some level of toxicity in someone/a situation you’re involved in. Whatever this new beginning is, you’re just doing it, hit the green button, full speed ahead. Are you worried, yeah, 9 Swords has followed you around all year, it’s amazing you can even function with the no sleep or mental rest you’ve been not getting for an entire year. Some of you are rushing into a new beginning simply because you’re defensive - some cases are totally valid and some are just being stubborn, or using this thing as the reason, maybe it is, maybe it’s just the thing to get you to finally act - because whatever this is isn’t new. You’ve thought about it all year. You’re terrified, worried, up to your neck in constant anxiety, but you’re doing it - you’ve waited long enough. Some of you may be getting something medical done in regards to sleep, which is shown as lacking all year long, maybe you’re just finally fixing your sleep schedule, cutting out caffeine, or getting a sleep study done. Once you take this leap into a new beginning, you fear the same cycles, same lessons, same bs haunting you. If it’s done, let it be done 💯 Even you seem aware that your life has been moving in cycles and you’re sick and tired of *this* one. Pluto will be back in Capricorn around this time through November, and as it’s wrapping up - so are you. The cycle WILL be done, for good.

October: 5 Wands, 8 Pentacles rev & 6 Pentacles

Oracles: Caution

Zodiac Signs: Heavy Taurus, Virgo Sun/Mercury

Inner conflict, could be outer too and people around you are chaotic or bringing drama into your life (still). You’re pulling back your energy from them, or anyone who isn’t reciprocating in the same way as you, anyone who doesn’t give back the same love, care, friendship, consideration, whatever - that you are. Good for you. Some of you may be out of a job, but aren’t really looking either, Procrastination, and your family could get on your case about it, assuming they’re the ones covering whatever expenses. Same goes for if you’re paying child support or something, and not working enough or not making enough, dodging payments, you’re extremely stressed about the effects of this and how much you’re going to be fkd later. You may be heading back to a lawyer (Hierophant) for this reason. Same can be said for counseling, drug rehabilitation, any official person you’re supposed to be talking to, maybe you can’t afford it anymore. You lost your insurance or it ran out. There is generosity here with 6 Pentacles, and family, I assume they’re helping you out, but there is heavy Caution with that…you don’t want to be manipulated, trapped, bound, or hurt. You could accrue a lot of debt this month that’s going to be harder to deal with the longer it goes, but there be no urgency from you, and Spirit is like 😳 Whatever you’re putting off, you have to do it, as soon as you can. I’m hearing at least try, Spirit can’t really help unless you’re trying. If you’ve quit a job out of anger or like…fk you, I’m out, you’re definitely regretting it this month, and you’re needing to move away from this crippling anxiety and fear, taking practical and intentional action, because you have to. If you’ve lost a job, you may be getting closer with your family, which is a plus. Some of you are taking a long hiatus or in order to pay full attention to something like rehab, medical issues, etc., and if you’ve quit altogether then your family is covering the costs…obv. that’s for people with money here.

November: Wheel of Fortune & Strength

Oracles: Submission & Riches

Zodiac Signs: Capricorn Saturn & Pisces Sun/Venus

Submission seems like the natural next step, you’re surrendering to the process of whatever this is. Fate, karma, consequences, whatever. 7 Cups clarifies as confusion, daydreams, substances, clouded vision, again you’re seeing a better future for yourself - but what does that take? Bottom has 9 Swords again. You’re worried about how much work is going to have to be put into something, how much you’ve already invested, and feeling trapped or hurt again. It’s like you’re bound to your own hurt at this point, that’s what’s actually keeping you stuck now. If you have romantic options, it’s like you know you’re a sentimental bean that easily falls for people (Pisces Venus), so you refrain from getting involved with anyone, maybe several people. Because of wounds, hurt, pain, deep worries and fears, rumination, and trauma. Understandable. Riches are here as what you’re dreaming of *now*, not love (smells like progress 🌺), and it’s potentially here for you - if you rise above this toxic cycle, addiction, what’s holding you back. Work for it, and Saturn will bless your efforts, it’s hard work and it’s intimidating, but you can definitely get there, or this wouldn’t be what came out. Being submissive is watching the chance pass you by, which some sort of addiction or substance may be involved in directing up until now.

December: 2 Pentacles

Oracles: Harmony

Zodiac Signs: Heavy Capricorn & Libra

Choosing peace, you can’t do this anymore. Pluto will have returned to Aquarius and while you’re cleaning up the last remnants of this decade+ of heavy opposition in however it’s affected you, it 👏 is 👏 a 👏 new 👏 day 👏 You’re still stressed to death about what comes next, this should be your card of the year fr. 12 months and 9 Swords has been at the bottom of almost every single one of them. You realize this has to stop, mental anguish, you’re gaining the clarity you need to head towards your new beginning - Ace of Swords and Ace of Cups. 4 Pentacles rev being the actual card of the year (throw 9 Swords on it too), shows RELEASE. Some things you can’t just let go of, but you also can’t stay in this record loop playing over and over and over again, keeping you up, making you sick, you literally never leave this energy all year. You have to 💯 Aim for clarity, talk to people, talk to counselors, find new things that make you happy, even if it’s learning a new language, a new show or podcast, create little routines around these things that bring you joy. Peace of mind. Calm. Prioritize that and protect Harmony within your life. This may be something you’ve suffered with a long time and are finally seeing someone about it, your’re getting the answers clarity you need. Could also be meeting someone new that changes things for you, romantically, or if not romantic then you share a passion or hobby, you get along really well with this person. If you’ve left a job, you’re coming to peace with having done so, either because you desperately need/ed a break, they were unfair, many reasons. You still worry though, and still need to attempt (at least) moving on to the new - which is also here for you as opportunities. Endings and new beginnings, it’s a lovely omen for 2025 and what that may bring, you genuinely have a fresh start, and have come a long way. Sending you guys a lot of love. You deserve whatever happiness is coming towards you…once you work for it (that’s repeated). Effort is a large point being made, Spirit can’t just bring it out if the sky and hand it to you, or they won’t, but they want to bless you so they’re like “just try”.

Risings are being highlighted strongly with this reading, and Gemini energy, Jupiter moving to your 12th in June will bring a lot of things to light in your own inner psyche, ultimately positive but can be difficult. Hidden enemies & secrets come to light, along with your own deep wounds and self-undoing (constant anxiety 💯). Spirit is supporting you, not against you, you’ve got an angel in your corner ready to jump in and help as soon as you make an effort somewhere healthy, positive - so long as it’s the right way for you. You’ll be led to what’s right, Wheel of Fortune (Jupiter), and you won’t even have to question it. Have faith and trust the process when you actually don’t have any control, and if you know you could do more - then do more.

[sick-sad-world-revolution-now]

Gender activists are so vile and the way they treated that person who recently complained about how T made her lose so much hair, causing her to look older than she actually is (early 20s I think) strongly demonstrated it. They bullied her. As simple as that. I doubt that most gen z and younger millennial transitioners would be happy about looking bald or nearly bald this early on. I doubt they even would be happy about the perspective of losing hair (receding hairline) in their 30s or 40s, they have in mind a head full of hair, maybe big fluffy or curly hair that make them look like they're surfers, skate bros and alternative emo men who will permanently look young. I know it, from my personal experience dealing with dysphoria. It's the reason why so many masculine teen girls fall into the trap of thinking we're trans boys/ later trans men. We aren't represented, or so little, and so we take the path we see all others taking, thinking it must be the truth.

So, seeing trans people but also your average straight gender conforming man or woman who see themselves as those great trans allies attack this young detransitioner was horrendous. Either because they would be upset if it had happened to them and deny it because ahah it's so funny when it happens to others, either because they have no idea what it's like to be visibly gnc and yet have the audacity to open their mouth to criticise someone who viscerally knows what it is. I personally do not believe that detransitioners who do it for religious motivations are doing the right thing as they are not necessarily listening to themselves but rather following a strict moral that ultimately isn't their own voice. You have to detransition for yourself and for yourself alone, else you might fail as it wasn't really your own idea. Yet you do not see me hate and bully these detransitioners, either you support a group of people or you don't. How are we supposed to believe that gender activists have any care in the world for detransitioners when them speaking out about normal concerns and what went wrong when it comes to their transition and general story triggers such a wave of hatred, mockery, online bullying ? I know KC Miller's name only because gender activists couldn't bear hearing the fact that dysphoria doesn't automatically resolve itself after taking cross-sex hormones and used her as a punching ball to convince themselves they would all be absolutely unbothered by her results.

People are responsible when deciding to put a kid/teen on hormones quickly and with no regard to their personal history, possible trauma, neurodivergency, self internalised biases, you cannot simply laugh at a victim and rally against them because of the manipulation they went through. She stayed calm and respectful yet was met with such verbal violence that there is now zero doubt left about how this community considers detransitioners and thus any trans people who is currently negative about this or that evolution in their own transition.

[genderstarbucks]

I'm not trans but I agree transandrophobia is a real thing.

People try to explain how it "doesn't exist" because it's just misogyny, general transphobia, or racism, which just erases the specific discrimination/experience of trans men / transmascs. Like the "betraying their womanhood" thing. I do think there's overlap there with general bigotry against masculinity/men/maleness, like some lgbt specific examples that come to mind is people saying attraction to men is disgusting and gross, someone being masculine in their presentation or gender is ugly and disgusting, or just how some connection to men/masculinity makes something repulsive. And there's intersection with other issues like misogyny, racism, and general transphobia. But like there's really a specific experience there.

Also like the arguments with whether they experience discrimination or not. Like oh do they experience misogyny or not? Do they experience transphobia or not (if they pass)? Do they even face any life difficulties? And the answers for these always bounce around, oh they can get discriminated against if they're mistaken for a woman, maybe if they get mistaken for a trans woman, maybe if they don't pass. Like the big idea is "they're privileged until they're not". It's conditional, it works if they're not recognised as TRANS MEN, like that's not privilege dude. By that same logic, a closed gay man listening to homophobes talk about how they hate gay men is privileged, a poc person (or, I'm not sure what the right word here is) being mistaken for a white person and listening white people talk about how harmful stereotypes of their ethnicity is privileged. They're not privileged for being themselves, it's just ignorance, and ignorance is not safety/privilege.

The ping pong effect between all this, arguments about what discrimination they face, I feel like is a unique thing I see with trans men, and also the "betraying their womanhood" thing I mentioned above, like I feel like there's a specific negative mentality directed towards them that isn't directed at other groups, not the same way. And even if transandrophobia has overlap with other bigotries, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If you think about it, all bigotries kind of overlap with each other, like they have similar talking points. I know there's some specific stuff with transphobia that's just homophobia, with the words gay replaced with trans, but that doesn't mean transphobia isn't real and it's just homophobia. Like there's similarities, but it's still a important word because they're a separate group, like there's stuff under transphobia that wouldn't be encompassed under homophobia.

I feel like transandrophobia is the same. The reason why they don't clearly fit into other bigotries is cause those words just aren't for them specifically. They're not going to have the exact same experiences as cis men, cis women, and trans women. And even for the experiences that are somewhat similar, it's still not quite the same because they're trans men. Of course any bigotry that isn't discrimination against trans men / transmascs, is not going to perfectly describe the discrimination against trans men / transmascs. I think this word is really important to have, they are their own distinct minority group, they're going to have their own unique issues.

Lol this turned into a mini essay😂 I saw your post and I had to cook. Sorry for the poor vocabulary+grammar.

You read my mind dude

Like why is masculinity and men so frowned upon??

I've seen so many people say that trans men and transmascs are "going to the bad side" when they transition

If you're a cis man and present masculine, it's fine

But if you're a trans man and present masculine, then it's bad

If you're a straight girl attracted to men, it's fine

But if you're a man attracted to men, then it's gross

I've been treated perfectly fine when I've been seen as a cis man, but then when those same people find out I'm actually trans (not even from me telling them btw, they just found out??) they all of a sudden they start "accidentally" misgendering me and calling me she

All of this hatred towards men and masculinity is just

Awful

Like I completely understand not wanting to date men or being weary around them because of trauma

But at the same, don't assume all of us are bad.

We're not bad *just* because we're men or masculine, not all men are bad people

Like I have some cis man friends who are literally the sweetest people in the world, they're not bad just because they're cis men

And with *those* straight men and lesbians who still date trans men because they don't pass...like what the fuck

But as soon as they do start to pass, take testosterone, etc. they don't like them anymore

Obviously, you can still be a straight man or lesbian and date trans men (mspec straights/lesbians, those trans men being okay with their partner still calling themselves straight/lesbian, etc.) but those people bro istg 😭

I'm just tired of all this hatred towards men and masculinity

I'm a man whether people like it or not

And idc that some people will say I'm not a "real" man just because I'm trans

If someone says they're a man, then they're a man, no matter how they may present their gender

I'm a man who loves men and nothing anybody says is going to stop me from being a man and kissing men

[trans-advice]

Is it weird to be trans but not identify as a trans person?

I'm MtF and started taking hormones many years ago. I had bottom surgery 5 years ago. I feel like it's something that happened in the past and the only time I remember I'm trans is when someone reminds me.

The problem is: it really bothers me when someone reminds me that I'm trans.

It feels like they see me in a way that I don't see myself, which is confusing. Factually, I'm trans and I tell every doctor I meet that, but the label is not something I feel comfortable relating to. Talking about the act of my transition doesn't bother me at all; but, identifying as a trans person feels wrong and it hurts.

I have a fair number of trans friends who are positive about their identity and talk about it all the time. I accept and love myself just as much as they do, but I would feel deeply uncomfortable to be the subject of the kinds of jokes they tell.

I have had plenty of negative interactions where people remind me I'm trans and therefore think "you can't do x" or "y will be harder," but seemingly positive interactions also feel bad. I had to tell my friends I would feel bad if I was gifted a Blahaj, because I don't want to be seen as trans.

Aside from people who knew me before I transitioned, I have been very careful to only tell other trans people or people that I'm dating. A few people have spread the word, against my wishes, and it's hurt me each time.

I exclusively use she/her pronouns and have not doubted my identity as a woman for many many years. Since bottom surgery I barely remember to take my hormones and it doesn't bother me. I really feels like transitioning was a thing that I completed and now I'm done.

Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Am I unintentionally hurting people by doing this? Is this internalized transphobia / am I becoming a TERF? I'm proud of who I am and I'm proud of who my friends are but I don't want to be called trans.

So your deal is you're a woman & you don't like people bringing up your past. So far that's common.

There's a part in "whipping girl" by julia serano that explains how medical transportation started as DIY, but then got gatekept by the medical establishment in order to suppress/cook the books on our prevalence numbers. I've heard that back in the day the cis/trans distinction would be dropped after transitioning, but this was also in an environment where gatekeepers forced us to have do stealth.

I'm going to share my experience as a no-op to help show what's happening. I figured out I was a girl when I was 2 because I learned about anti-biological essentialism for why feminism is good & racism is bad. So when adults would try to label me as trans & lump me with crossdressers at age 6, I was upset because I was like I was never a boy in the first place. To use more accurate vocabulary I would learn when I was 9, I was an incongruent girl, but I was still a girl. I only felt comfortable using the label trans in 2014 when I started seeing genderqueer people use the label & I saw that we had momentum going, at least in my area.

So to be clear, people saying you have to medically transition to be a different gender are usually trying to deny that trans kids exist. (Which is bogus since cis girls & cis boys are still considered girls & boys before puberty.)

So I think your anxiety is surrounding that womanhood is not reliant on medical transition. If I understand that's why you're worried about it meaning you're gatekeeping others when you got the medical transition. The point is, your body your choice, whether you want to get the medical procedures should be up to you.

Part of the reason we work together as a community & have solidarity is to help those of us who are silent & silenced. So I guess if you're still struggling with this, then seek anonymous ways to help trans people. If people want to buy you trans merch & gender markers, then maybe tell them to put that money to a charity, an activist group, a legal project, a gofundme, or a mutual aid request to help the trans community. Helping the trans community helps validates people gender markers & gender identities whether they are cis or trans or whatever.

You shouldn't have to shoulder the brunt. We have a prevalence rate of about 1 in 250-300. The institutions lied to us when they said we were 1 in 30,000.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[genderqueerdykes]

Hi! I saw your post about being put on estrogen for too many androgens, and how testosterone HRT actually helped you more for the symptoms. I think I need to talk to my obgyn about how I suspect I might have PCOS but I'm a pre-T trans man and terrified they'll tell me going on estrogen/androgen blockers is my only option. I was on progesterone for a month and it was a baaaad time. Have you written more about your experience with this somewhere?

i totally get that fear, i was actually afraid of that, myself, when i was pursuing transition. i was afraid they'd tell me i was too fucked up or something or that i already had too much testosterone in my system

i haven't written about it elsewhere, but i'll take the time to write about it now! i'm going to be also starting a Wordpress site to compile my experiences, so i'll be adding this to there as well!

i was placed on estrogen for a few years (from about 15 - 21) to try to combat the high levels of androgens my body was producing due to PCOS + hyperandrogenism (and possibly other non diagnosed intersex conditions as well), they told me that was the "only way" to fix the heavy periods and other problems i was having.

i noticed during this time, my energy levels were way, way down. i was exhausted, tired, and overall falling asleep and struggling to be present and awake. i would come home from school and pass out for 5, 6, 7+ hours and wake up in the middle of the night for a bit before sleeping even more.

i was generally very irritable, prone to snapping, mood swings, and being very "on edge" in general during this time. i got into a lot of arguments with my sister and told her heated, emotional things i didn't mean because i was so worked up all the time. i had a very negative outlook and couldn't stop myself from being pissy and short and mean with people.

i noticed that i got "baby fever" during this time and became OBSESSED with thinking about having children, what i would name them, and so on. i could NOT stop thinking about having children, even though i was a child, myself, for a lot of it. i was also gaining a LOT of weight and putting on weight in areas that were making my dysphoria so, so much worse.

my periods never really became regular or normal during this time, due to me being intersex. the volume of the menses decreased to more tolerable levels, but it never made them 'regular'. i also never stopped growing facial hair, it never even reduced the volume of facial hair i was growing, which was my mother's concern. and it never changed the fact that i wanted that facial hair.

overall, it was just a waste of my time to achieve a very, very slight difference in my menstrual cycles. the only thing that has fixed my menstrual cycles and stopped them from being so heavy that i get sick is testosterone hormone replacement therapy. testosterone has been live saving for me as an intersex person and i hope you're able to communicate to your doctor that you as a trans man WANT those increased testosterone levels and for you, that's not a problem.

having naturally high T can actually be a good thing in some cases because some doctors who are aiding you in transition will see that as something pointing toward your case as a trans man. you already having a high level of testosterone can mean they can potentially prescribe a lower dose of T to you or not have to take as long to titrate up, so hopefully they will be receptive instead of pushy about you "needing" androgen blockers or estrogen.

if you face problems with this, feel free to come back, but ultimately, it shouldn't (hopefully) cause a problem. you have the right to put your foot down and say no, actually, i want higher levels of testosterone in my body and i refuse to go on hormone blockers. i wish i had refused estrogen when they put me on it. so many afab and intersex people get put on estrogen and hormonal birth control regimens and it actually causes far more problems than it helps. estrogen and birth control should not be the first "solution" to reproductive health issues.

i hope that helped you! feel free to come back and send another ask, we're always happy to help with stuff like this. nobody really tells you what to do once you get a PCOS diagnosis. you feel really lost and confused and i get that. i hope things work out for you and you can get on T down the road, if that's what you want for yourself

[uncanny-tranny]

To start off this ask, I hope you're having a great day <3 Thank you for all the positivity your posts bring to my life.

This is a kind of serious ask, but I don't really have anyone in my life who is reliable enough to talk about this with. Recently, I've seen a lot of news articles about harmful trans clinics. The UK shutting down clinics for trans youth, negative effects of hormones for trans people, etc.

This website I found today is what really sparked this ask: https://www.thefp.com/p/i-thought-i-was-saving-trans-kids

I'm very confused and conflicted. I am trans-masculine. I don't know what to trust. And honestly, I'm scared. I don't know if there's something wrong with my body or mind. I once was excited for top surgery but now I'm worried about making a mistake. I'm worried about how my body will be handled by medical professionals.

My parents keep telling me these terrible stories of people who have detransitioned and have "ruined their lives," but I also know of so many trans people who live wonderful lives and are accepted and loved. I so desperately want that love and acceptance, but now I'm terrified that maybe my life will be "ruined," if I truly am just "being swayed by a cultural agenda."

I was hoping you might be willing to provide some insight.

I'll be real, I've had that same worry before, which didn't help because when I first came out, I was bombarded by stories about the same situation - notably, my dad sharing these concerns of his through stories about a trans soldier he knew personally.

I find that the whole fear surrounding "ruining bodies" and "horrid outcomes" don't place the ultimate authority on the trans people we're talking about. I've found that when people talk about "mutilated bodies", it is from the viewpoint that medical intervention is inherently going to transform a person from being natural (and the worthiness that comes with it) to being undesirable and freakish.

Transition isn't a destination, it is a journey, I think. The scaremongering about detransition is capitalizing on the fear that your body will become a sight of horror rather than a body that belongs to a person. Though detransition rates are low, and transition (including medical transition) has some of the lowest regret rates of other care (hell, knee replacement has higher regret rates), people who have detransitioned are still just as worthy as literally anybody else. Capitalizing on the exaggerated fear of transition and detransition hurts trans people and those who detransition.

There isn't anything wrong with you, anon. You have concerns, and that's completely natural. It is natural to feel the ways you are feeling, and I don't want for one minute to make you feel like you're bad for feeling the ways you do. However, I do caution you to still take into account the fact that you do deserve happiness. If medical transition is something you've looked into, you deserve that option. I can only speak from personal experience, but medical transition has been the best choice I made for myself. There is always the possibility that things turn out in your favour. There is always the possibility of happiness. No matter what you decide to do, you deserve respect and gentleness and the space to exist without expecting to be "perfect" or "right" about every last thing. I hope you can pursue the happiness, whatever that looks like

[silriven]

K.A. Applegate’s Letter to Fans

Animorphs is making the rounds again thanks to an article on Polygon that talks about ways you can read this twenty-year-old series now so I thought I’d signal boost my favorite part: Applegate’s open letter to fans who complained about the last book.  I think the reason why this hits me so hard is because I was one of those young fans who didn’t understand at the time why the series ended in the way that it did and stumbling across this response as an adult finally provided catharsis.  It’s a really funny and dark and deep series about a teenage resistance to an alien invasion and I highly recommend reading it.

Big spoilers for Animorphs under the cut.

This response was posted on Morphz.com by the co-owner Jeff Sampson, who had kept in touch with K.A. Applegate during the run of the Animorph series.

-------------------------------------------

Hi, everyone. I remember when the last Animorphs book first came out how there were some people who really hated it. Their negative posts really brought me down, because I loved the last book, and I was compelled to respond to all of the posts.

Apparently, K.A. felt the same way.

So, here it is for you, a letter from her to the fans explaining exactly why she ended it the way that she did, a response that will undoubtedly annoy some people. Be warned, the following does contain spoilers, don't read if you haven't read the last book!

- Jeff Sampson

-------------------------------------------

Dear Animorphs Readers:

Quite a number of people seem to be annoyed by the final chapter in the Animorphs story. There are a lot of complaints that I let Rachel die. That I let Visser Three/One live. That Cassie and Jake broke up. That Tobias seems to have been reduced to unexpressed grief. That there was no grand, final fight-to-end-all-fights. That there was no happy celebration. And everyone is mad about the cliffhanger ending.

So I thought I'd respond.

Animorphs was always a war story. Wars don't end happily. Not ever. Often relationships that were central during war, dissolve during peace. Some people who were brave and fearless in war are unable to handle peace, feel disconnected and confused. Other times people in war make the move to peace very easily. Always people die in wars. And always people are left shattered by the loss of loved ones.

That's what happens, so that's what I wrote. Jake and Cassie were in love during the war, and end up going their seperate ways afterward. Jake, who was so brave and capable during the war is adrift during the peace. Marco and Ax, on the other hand, move easily past the war and even manage to use their experience to good effect. Rachel dies, and Tobias will never get over it. That doesn't by any means cover everything that happens in a war, but it's a start.

Here's what doesn't happen in war: there are no wondrous, climactic battles that leave the good guys standing tall and the bad guys lying in the dirt. Life isn't a World Wrestling Federation Smackdown. Even the people who win a war, who survive and come out the other side with the conviction that they have done something brave and necessary, don't do a lot of celebrating. There's very little chanting of 'we're number one' among people who've personally experienced war.

I'm just a writer, and my main goal was always to entertain. But I've never let Animorphs turn into just another painless video game version of war, and I wasn't going to do it at the end. I've spent 60 books telling a strange, fanciful war story, sometimes very seriously, sometimes more tongue-in-cheek. I've written a lot of action and a lot of humor and a lot of sheer nonsense. But I have also, again and again, challenged readers to think about what they were reading. To think about the right and wrong, not just the who-beat-who. And to tell you the truth I'm a little shocked that so many readers seemed to believe I'd wrap it all up with a lot of high-fiving and backslapping. Wars very often end, sad to say, just as ours did: with a nearly seamless transition to another war.

So, you don't like the way our little fictional war came out? You don't like Rachel dead and Tobias shattered and Jake guilt-ridden? You don't like that one war simply led to another? Fine. Pretty soon you'll all be of voting age, and of draft age. So when someone proposes a war, remember that even the most necessary wars, even the rare wars where the lines of good and evil are clear and clean, end with a lot of people dead, a lot of people crippled, and a lot of orphans, widows and grieving parents.

If you're mad at me because that's what you have to take away from Animorphs, too bad. I couldn't have written it any other way and remained true to the respect I have always felt for Animorphs readers.

K.A. Applegate

Source

[pastramimommy]

6/2/24

Ok let's see how were doing!! The month of May was actually phenomenal, but the mental health took a teeny hit the last few days. I have been off orientation for 3 weeks and I am honestly having a really great experience so far. I don't feel overwhelmed!!! and I really do feel much more socially comfortable with everyone there. Just trying not to get too comfortable!

Habit consistency has been great, especially with pole. I recognized that if I want to many any progress, I need to dedicate more time to practicing at home. and I did a pretty good job with that, using youtube videos and recording myself. I changed my workout split to prioritize pole and calisthenics and enjoying it so far. Still slacking on the embroidery but I have 3 new projects loading so I have no excuse now. Completed my 1 book per month. the sourdough making is happening but we'll see if im making any progress when i cut into this loaf.

By 3.5 months I am honestly satisfied with the amount and quality of friends I have made and now its just time to focus on strengthening those new relationships. I successfully hosted 2 pregames and I have still been really assertive about hanging out with people. Best decision to DM kenzie bc I know we are going to be close. Getting closer with Gemma. Holly and Jackie are a lot of fun. And I foresee myself being closer with some of jackie's friends as well. I followed through with my goal to catch up with old friends more, including Lucky, Gerr and Omer. I will make a list of friends I need to catch up with. I also solidified trips to go back home so i can see the extended family and friends.

I'm finally starting to see some consistency with church and finding some sense of community there. I want to attended services a little bit longer before attending events. I have also been consistent with my morning guided prayer on weekdays, but I can feel myself getting distracted when i do it sometimes. I still feel this barrier with Jesus. and i cant really commit to a church if I don't confidently believe one of their most important pillars. I want to get there but i don't really know what work there is to do. I do believe that God has been paying special attention to my transition here and leaving me little easter eggs to make my life easier and i am so grateful. i am really working on giving up my anxieties about the whole living together situation to god because it is truly the only source of uneasiness in my life. but maybe it is my cross to bear and lesson that god wants me to learn.i think he is trying to demonstrate that i cannot control everything and in fact there is literally NOTHING i can do to help myself here. i really just need to have complete faith in god here.

I am having slightly increased anxiety about relationship stuff due to a conversation we had recently. his sister is not a huge fan of me after the white coat ceremony, so when i visit Philly i really have to put in effort. but it is just so stressful knowing that someone has negative feelings towards you. He also mentioned that he is anxious about living together after the incident nathan's bday, because he said it happened so soon after our convo about respect. Things I have realized: 1. i need to work on my tone and bluntness. 2. chris is way more sensitive than he ever let on or said he was 3. most of our issues happen in a going out setting. maybe I am just too damn much and need to know when to stop drinking and stay home. Maybe that will be the theme of 27? Ill be spending most of the time grinding anyway so I guess it is inevitable. I am having a lot of uneasiness and insecurity while he is gone. we are completely fine and happy when we are together. I really get in my head and have horrible thoughts when hes gone. i like to tell myself that im just overthinking things, but i am so scared that im not. i know he wouldnt cheat on me, but i have this horrible thought that he has been in situations where he considers that it might be worth it not to be with me to explore other options. but why is my brain going there?!

ugh, honestly i have nothing to complain about, life is good. i just need some sort of sense of security with him. but i know the best way i can get that is to just respect him and have faith that he will figure out the rest.