#that's just how it works in hell when you don't actually despise somebody

[sunderwight]

Thinking about the weird camaraderie that exists between demons but not angels in GO.

Have we ever seen two angels who are actually friends? Or even friendly to one another? We have met angels with a capacity to be friendly in general, but I think the closest we've come to two angels actually getting along would be Gabriel making a point to laugh at Sandalphon's terrible "can't have a war without War" line in S1.

Most scenes between the angels actually seem to have an undercurrent of absolute hostility. Teeth-clenched teamwork. No wonder it took them so long to notice that Aziraphale wasn't on the same page as the rest of them! The rest of them are barely on the same page as one another, either! When Gabriel goes against the majority vote, no one bats an eye at demoting him and wiping his memory. Michael and Uriel immediately begin vying for his job. The only times we've seen angels team up is when they're working together to bully someone else, like when they're trying to intimidate Aziraphale in S1 or going to the aftermath of the bookshop raid in S2.

Saraqael's overall neutrality towards Muriel is the closest we get to two angels in Heaven getting along, and it's more a lack of hostility than any kind of friendliness. At least until Gabriel loses his memories and Muriel shows up to spy on Aziraphale, and Aziraphale decides to be kind to both of them.

Demons, on the other hand, actually seem to form alliances and even friendships among one another. Hastur and Ligur are awful, but Hastur seems genuinely distraught over Ligur's death, not just fearful of suffering the same fate. Shax and Furfur conspire together and even though the 1940's investigation into Crowley's fraternizing doesn't work out for Furfur, it's not due to any double-crossing on Shax's part. Unlike the angels, who stick almost exclusively to making threats until the Metatron decides to try dangling a carrot at the end of the season, demons actually offer rewards to other demons when trying to work together. Beelzebub offers Crowley a promotion if he can bring them Gabriel, Furfur offers to back Shax up politically if she goes for the Duke position opening, and Crowley successfully stalls Hastur in S1 by pretending everything was a test and he's going to be put in charge of a legion as a reward for passing. They're still not great at socializing, but they're significantly ahead of the angels.

Of course, it's a fact that demons are awful to one another (Eric's treatment is really bad, they throw that random demon into holy water just to test it, "it'd be a funny world if demons went around trusting one another", etc) but they still seem more capable of forming friendships than the angels do.

I think that's because Hell cramps and crowds everyone together to try and increase their suffering and hostility, whereas Heaven isolates angels to decrease the odds of questioning or rebellion. Hell's methods are unpleasant, but it still ends up putting demons together, and some of those demons inevitably forge alliances and make friendships. Because as Crowley and Beelzebub demonstrate, demons are still social creatures with the capacity for love and affection, even if it's strongly discouraged and buried under nine million layers of trauma and a cultural mandate against kindness.

Angels are the same, but isolation makes is harder to form connections than overcrowding. Muriel and Jimbriel are both so eager to make friends, but Muriel's spent the past millennia shut in an empty office, and Gabriel has been distanced from his peers both through his position and also through Heaven's culture of fear and surveillance. He only breaks away from it when he finds something that's stronger than "choosing sides" (stronger than the fear of being rejected by Heaven and Falling, in fact strong enough that Falling seems worth it if he gets to be with someone he loves). Both Muriel and Gabriel are only able to start forming connections when they're away from Heaven.

I just think it's interesting that demons, despite being supposedly devoid of love, have an advantage in forming relationships compared to angels. Angels are supposed to love, but have far fewer opportunities to actually do so. Demons aren't supposed to love, but they make connections anyway.

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Coffee - T. Holland

Okay, I know I have requests but this song came on at work the other day and I felt super emotional and I had to write. The use of Tom was very last minute because I had no actual person in mind for the fic, and there are very little actual defining characteristics so you can imagine it to be absolutely anybody you want!

This has broken me, so I apologize in case it has the same affect.

TW: This story contains mentions of cancer, allusions to death, mentions of death, sadness, angst, allusion to suicide, a character with cancer, and all round sadness about death.

If this content may trigger you in any way possible, please do not engage with this fic. Your personal safety and wellness is important so please take care of yourself, my lovies.

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17. Please do not copy, translate or share outside of the boundaries of tumblr without my permission. Please do not steal my work and market it as your own. Basically, don’t be a dick. Also, the above gif does not belong to me. Credit to @thollandgifs

Also, sorry the format is shit. I write on my phone so it’s hella bad.

Don't stay awake for too long, don't go to bed. I'll make a cup of coffee for your head. It'll get you up and going out of bed.

While his life stood still, hers moved. Most days he could barely move without the nausea taking over. His head pounding, body exhausted and weak beyond recognition. She had established a routine the minute she could. She made sure he had his morning coffee everyday. Whenever his eyes opened, she would be right by his side with his favourite beverage, bringing him breakfast and a warm, loving smile to entice him to get out of bed. She understood on days that his body fought him more than it already was - she was compassionate and considerate. On those days she would help him prop himself in a comfortable position, switch on whatever show they were watching at the time and curl up next to him with her work beside her.

His heart was often overwhelmed with the care she provided him. They were well into the fourth year of their life together, and he had no doubt in his mind that he would love her until his last days. He often solemnly thought of the ring he still had hidden in his drawer of their shared cabinet. He had made a vow to pop the question if he ever recovered, but the thought of that day never coming simply tore another piece from his already dwindling soul.

He would often sit in his chair, or on the bed in their small, studio apartment, watching her flutter around the house in a graceful way only she could. He had memorized her every move when she conducted the most mundane activity. The way she poured a glass of water, the way she tapped her fingers against her thigh to the tune of a theme song, the way she always made his coffee to pure perfection - in a way that nobody else had been able to do.

He had so much love for her, that he was terrified of it slipping away at any moment.

Yeah, I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna pass away. I been thinking of our future 'cause I'll never see those days.

He was 24, and she was 25. They had already planned a life together. They had steady jobs, an intense and passionate love, names picked out for future children, dinner at his parents house every Sunday, lunch with her parents every Wednesday.

He just knew that he had done something to deserve such a fate. At first he was angry, terrified of the possibility of his soul leaving this earth, but as time went on, his self-deprivation grew. Apparently it was common for people in his situation. The fear of dying was clouded by a justification that this was meant to be. He had done something terrible in a past life, and karma was giving him the painful ending he deserved... but he despised the thought, because Y/N didn’t deserve to watch her boyfriend meet his end in this way.

He had thought of near every scenario in his life in which he hurt somebody - cheating on his girlfriend in his first year of college, letting Y/N down time after time, only for her to forgive him. The hurt he caused his parents when he was a teenager and full of such hate for the world. But now, all he could do was pray for forgiveness. He had hope that there was some way he could make it out of this, but he was losing hope rapidly.

Even as he sat with his love on their bed, watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander.

“When I’m gone,” his voice was croaky, his throat dry and scratchy. “Please tell me you will find somebody else.” He fumbled around to grab her hand, winching as he caught her head snapping towards his in his peripheral vision. He couldn’t turn to see the expression on her face. “You’re so young, so full of life. Your life is going to be so beautiful.”

Her hand was pulled from his, and he steeled what was left of his nerves to get ready for whatever tongue lashing she had planned, but instead he felt the bed dip further beside him, her hands framing his sullen face on each side and softly turning his gaze to meet her own.

“Don’t you say things like that, Tom.” He forced his eyes to stare into her own. His eyes seemed as if they were always ready to release tears, and the intensity of the hurt in her own made his pool unconsciously. “There is no somebody else when the other half of my soul is already with me. I don’t need anybody else because you’re not going anywhere.”

Her thumb brushed away the tear that slipped from his chocolate orbs, ignoring the dark circles underneath that made his face seem further sunken than it was.

“You don’t know that,” he sniffed heavily, dropping his eyes down to his lap. His fingers unconsciously toyed with the bracelet she had given him years ago. A soft, black, faux-leather band. An unfit symbol charm dangled close to the strap, reminding him of her favourite line from her favourite book/movie - the perks of being a wallflower. He had gone wuth her when she got the titular floral piece tattooed on her forearm. She was so happy that day. “One day you’re gonna be in a nice house, a ring on your finger, watching your husband dote over your little baby and you will be at peace in the way I know you crave. I just... I know that will never be me, who slips a ring onto your hand, or waits for you at the end of the aisle. I won’t be the one who holds your hand when you meet your baby, or the one who can give you the life you deserve - the one you want.”

His eyes snapped up to meet her own when he heard her breath grow shaky, but the action caused his brain to lose its equilibrium and he had to close his eyes for a moment. He hated doing so. Every time his eyes were shut, it was a moment that he lost of memorizing every line, curve, angle of her body. He opened his eyes again when able, and he was met with her own eyes as red rimmed as his, tears streaming down her beautiful face.

“Don’t you every talk like that, Thomas Stanley. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to be the one to do all of those things because you’re going to make it and we are going to love each other until the end of our time, together. I’ll fucking Romeo and Juliet this shit if I have to,” her dark joke was met with a wet laugh from them both, before her face melted back into seriousness. “I’m never gonna need another person, Tommy. I have you, and I will have you forever.”

“You make every day a blessing, my love.” He whispered, his lips ghosting over hers as he gathered the strength in his lead arms to pull her into a hug. “You make hell feel like a summers day, and I cherish every moment I have left with you.”

My life was kinda short, but I got so many blessings. Happy you were mine, it sucks that it's all ending

Their days continued on for another three weeks, the same routine of morning coffee and testing the boundaries of his own fatigue. Three weeks without the dreaded conversation arising again, until she woke to find him staring into the ceiling with such an intense and thoughtful gaze. She knew instantly what was on his mind, and she could feel her heart breaking into more little pieces.

“Tommy?” Her melodic tone was soft, snapping him from his nightmarish reprieve. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing honey. Thinking about us... when we were young and full of life,” he snorted into the dark room, Y/N’s soft laugh pushed through her nose and he felt her smile against his neck. “Just, thinking about how sorry I am for all of this. I’m sorry that I’ve turned your life upside down, that we have changed so much.”

He felt weaker. His body was fighting to hold on, and he felt that they both knew that. He was being eaten up from the inside out, but he couldn’t bear to leave. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t leave her alone. He needed her, he loved her. He wanted to be her husband and give her everything she wanted in life. He wanted to live, for her.

“I would change everything if it meant I could be here with you,” her voice was heavy, riddled with sleep. Neither of them get much rest anymore. He is always up and down, and she frets too much to sleep through his late night jolts and retches. “You’re worth every minute of every day, Tom. You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not like you chose to have Can-“

“Don’t say it, baby, please?” He pled, silencing her before she could say the word. He hadn’t once uttered it since the day he found out. She had relayed the information to their families, holding his hand the entire time as he sat motionless. “Makes it more real than my emo ramblings.” His laugh was humorless, but he didn’t intend it to be so.

She apologised softly, snuggling closer to him. She knew how much he loved the feel of her body on his, how the intimacy of the comfort made him feel warm. Back when he could handle the weight, she would sometimes wake up curled on top of his chest because he had sought her out in his sleep.

“I would do anything for you, Tommy. I would give up everything I have just to see you smile. You’re the other half of my soul, my infinity.”

He felt a tear slip down his cheek. Her words always had that affect on him, but he loved the way she could send his heart beating with no effort. He loved her. So intensely.

“Sing to me, please?” A request he had let loose so many times before. He adored her voice, and the soft melodies that fell from her lips and lulled him to sleep.

She obliged with a smile on her face, and let the words tumble into his pale skin.

“If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I’d like to do...”

Soon you'll be alone, sorry that you have to lose me

Two more months passed. His doctors were satisfied, stating that he was slowly improving. His body was beginning to regain strength. He had begun to grow more hopeful, slowly but surely.

Until there was no chance for hope left.

Y/N made his morning coffee, but when she went to rest it on his bedside, he could barely breathe.

Her fingers dialed emergency services faster than she thought possible, her voice cracking as she sung to him over and over, hands cradling his head in her lap as he whispered his love for her.

The coffee went cold as the red and blue lights approached.

Don't stay awake for too long, don't go to bed. I'll make a cup of coffee for your head. It'll get you up and going out of bed

Tag list: @starshonerose @snookiebrookie @another-lonely-heart @mantlereid

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[sub-hoshi-enthusiast]

So I had a small idea 👀 (bruh when I was trying to type somnopholia it tried to auto correct it to homophobia and I was just ????) I hope you all like it :)

Shownu

Monsta X Wearing a Skirt For You

  I don't know how the hell you convinced him to do it but a round of applause to you. He refuses to look in your eyes the second he puts it on. Not to say he hates wearing it, he just gets hella embarrassed when he does. He gets all flustered when you start telling him how pretty he looks and he'll just look down at the floor while he plays with the edge of his skirt 🥺. Continuously compliment him and I don't think he'd be able to say anything. His face would just be beet red cause pretty much all the blood in his body has rushed up to his face, but it's fucking adorable so you'd compliment him every chance you get. He'll only ever wear one when you tell him to but it doesn't make him any less beautiful. The only exception is when you fuck him and leave marks all over his thighs, like bite marks, bruises from where you hit him, scratches from your nails, you name it he loves it. He'll wear a skirt at some point the next day so every time he passes by a mirror he can look at them and remember how good you ruined him, leaving his thighs mostly bare so everyone can see them. Well, so you can see them. The poor baby would die if he ever had to wear one in public. Please don't do that to him, you can keep that beautiful sight just between the two of you. 

Wonho

Bitch was wearing skirts before he met you and was just waiting so he would know you wouldn't freak out and dump him. He just wore a skirt unprompted when you had returned home from work one day and you had a mini heart attack. He got all worried cause you just started coughing after choking on air. Everytime you see him in one after that though, you're still left breathless. Cause goddamn he looks gorgeous. He likes wearing them cause he feels pretty. One time when you were out you bought him a pretty pastel pink skirt and he wouldn't take it off for the rest of the day. Everytime he tries on a skirt he'll do a little spin then look up at you all like "Do I look pretty mommy? 🥺🥺" and y'know what who needs to live anymore? Your heart will die then and there, don't lie to me. Skirts aren't limited to the house either, he likes wearing them out in public. Honestly it makes you a little mad sometimes cause people's eyes will go straight to his thighs, though he doesn't seem to notice. You'll get over your anger as soon as he spins to you, pointing at something excitedly with a little smile on his face so it's all good. Bruh, I got bias wrecked so hard when writing this 😔

Minhyuk

This man practically lives on your lap when he has a skirt on. You're watching a movie and there's an entire couch available? Your lap is obviously the better option. Oh, you're working on something important from your home office that needs to be done immediately? You'll just have to rest your head on his shoulder cause he isn't moving. The main reason he does this is because when you zone out you'll unintentionally start running your fingers up and down his thighs which makes him  h o r n y. Yeah, the second you see that skirt on him you know that nothing's getting done except for him. You'll just be sitting there for movie night and cuddles then next thing you know he's grinding helplessly against your leg cause you kept touching his thigh. "Well don't touch me there unless you wanna fuck my brains out." Another perk of him wearing a skirt is how simple it is for you to just bend him over whenever you want. He likes the thought of you taking him whenever you want cause you just completely own him so he has no say in it (did someone say somnophilia 👀). The little fucker likes to wear lingerie as well, just to give you more of a reason to bend him over and fuck him silly. He won't even try to hide it either, if he thinks you aren't paying enough attention to him he'll just bend over right in front of you and show off what he was wearing underneath. This boy is such a cutie in a skirt but he's a little hard to manage so good luck with that. 

Kihyun

The only thing you'd hear from this man when you put a skirt on him is complaints. He loves to wear skirts, cause he looks so pretty and you never forget to tell him that, not that he'd ever admit it. The little brat likes to put up a fight against anything you do. He won't wear one on his own accord unless he knows you won't be home for a while. The rest of the time you have to tell him to put one on. Now, you would never ask your boyfriend to do something he's uncomfortable with, but you know that look in his eye. You know he loves it, but he just likes talking back to you so somebody's gotta put him in his place. That might mean "forcing" him to wear a skirt and just tying him up and teasing him until he finally tells you how much he loves it and how pretty he looks. The next morning he'll go right back to complaining about it so you shouldn't get your hopes up. You also notice how when you take him out shopping his eyes will start wandering over to the pretty fabrics he pretends to despise so much. Of course he'd take that little "secret" to his grave. Does that stop you from buying them when you go out alone and "forcing" him to try them on? Of course it doesn't.

Hyungwon

You first asked him to wear a skirt for you after their little family skit thing cause he looks too fucking cute as a girl and you found it a little unfair. Boy was hella confused. Honestly thought that you were just looking for a reason to make fun of him a little more. When he finally caved and wore a skirt, he was surprised by the way you looked at him. Which of course led to the bedroom. Wears them all the time after that. Mainly because when you fucked him while he was wearing it you wouldn't stop talking about how pretty he looked and sent his praise kink into overdrive. And of course this man looks amazing in a skirt cause he's got legs for days and you definitely spend your time doing actual work and not just staring and drooling over his legs. If you had never even tried to convince him to wear one when he has legs like that you have failed at life and I don't want you to talk to me. But he has definitely noticed the way you look at his legs all the time and oop- would you look at that now he has a pair of heels. For someone who has supposedly never walked in heels before he does surprisingly well though??

Jooheon

I think Jooheon would like wearing skirts. Not in public or around the rest of the boys (except maybe Changkyun cause they're best bros) but he likes to wear them. I think it'd be fucking adorable if him and Changkyun went shopping for skirts together. Since Jooheon is a little shy when it comes to wearing them, Changkyun gives him more confidence when they're out together cause he just doesn't give a fuck. His legs look so pretty in skirts though so even if he was wearing one just to wear one it won't be long before you have him bent over a table as you pound into him. Or if you have his hands cuffed behind his back while he rides you in a skirt; one of the best views honestly. Whenever he wears a skirt, his ass also looks amazing so you can't help but grab it or slap it everytime he walks by you. He's never complained before but 9 times out of 10 it'll lead to sex. One time he wore skirts for an entire week, which was a terrible mistake. The poor boy could barely walk the next week and even had to sit out for a few practises. Changkyun wouldn't stop laughing at him over the phone so you kept giving him whatever he wanted cause you felt so bad.

Changkyun

Honestly I feel like changkyun would like wearing a skirt for you the most. First of all, the members are always saying he walks around the dorms naked so I feel like he would appreciate the little extra freedom a skirt has as opposed to shorts or pants. Secondly, he would definitely start teasing you as soon as he sees how much you like it. You'd think this boy was the clumsiest man on the planet with how many times he drops things on the floor. Sometimes he'll even spill his drink on the floor just so he has to get on his hands and knees and clean it up. When you confront him on his behavior, however, he'll act like nothing was happening. "What? I wasn't doing anything provocative. Jeez (Y/N), I didn't realize you were such a pervert." He'll also wear thigh highs or garters to show off his legs and make sure you're looking at him. Gets pouty when you don't. "Daddy~ why won't you look at me? Do you think I got all dolled up for nothing?" (I am a firm believer that Changkyun has a daddy kink if you are male or female and you can fight me on that) If you think you can look at him wearing a skirt and not fuck his brains out you are delusional.

[afrival]

anon that requested rusame here!! they were so so good omg 🤧😭 could I bother you for some fruk hcs too if you don't mind??

OF COURSE I DONT MIND bless 🙌💕 I don’t think you understand how happy it makes me that somebody asked for these

no warnings

•=======================•

- Arthur had a HUGE emo/punk phase in 09, it was like a relapse from the 80s/90s grunge thing. It wasn’t too obnoxious but mans listened to MCR and all that shit, probably put at least one of his ear piercings back in

- Arthur still has piercings from his punk phase but never wears them, only sometimes will he wear earrings. Francis loves when he does

- Francis constantly has his hair in a ponytail and if he’s feeling fancy he’ll braid it, Arthur loves it ofc

- Also. One of Francis’ favorite physical trait abt Arthur is mans face freckles ❤️

- Paramore and Elton John the ONLY artists that Francis and Arthur can listen to and agree is good without arguing

- Speaking of which Arthur can actually sing really well it’s Francis who sounds rough but after like a thousand years he really doesn’t care

- They take baths together a lot bc they’re domestic as shit

- -Arthur watches stupid British shows/movies all the time and even if they’re shit he loves them. (Sherlock, Downton Abbey, The Crown, Harry Potter, The Kingsmen, etc). If there’s any inaccuracies when it comes to history or especially how the royal court works he complains.

- Francis was the one who took Arthur to Harry Potter World in Universal. and Arthur LOOVEEDD it like he geeked out the entire time— a like 1000 year old man flipping his shit over getting to see his favorite book series irl that’s so HDHFHF 💕💕

- One of Francis and Arthur’s main pastimes is watching The Great British Bake-off and getting way too angry at it. They also watch Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef

- When I think of FrUk I just immediately think old married couple. Like they’re easily one of the softest couples but they also just bully each other and bicker over the dumbest shit

- Arthur gets so embarrassed with pda but he also is like. Down very bad for this man so he secretly loves it— like they’ve been together (off and on) for like centuries and he still blushes when holding hands and cheek kisses or whatever (StillIntoYoubyParamore.mp4)

- Francis uses petname a lot more however “Dear” and “Love” are ones they both use. Ofc Francis uses French terms of endearment like “Beau” and “Cher”

- They sleep on top of each other A LOT lmao like, shoulders and laps whatever. If they’re staying at the others home they will barge in and just flop down on the other and bam it’s nap time

- They take care of each other when they’re sick but it’s mostly just them being like “Eat your fucking soup, whore.” “Arthur it tastes like goddamn soap.” “BE GRATEFUL.”

- They both get hella nightmares bc being that fucking old comes with a lot of history and trauma blah blah, point is they’re always there to comfort each other rather it’s physical or texting/calling at 4am

- Arthur is fluent in French ofc so they kinda switch between French and English whenever

- Arthur cannot hold his fucking liquor so he gets WASTEDDDD and Francis has to babysit him, it’s the funniest shit bc Arthur’s inner child and little shitness just multiples

- They have definitely been with other nations/people but like. It’s always been just them, nobody else compares idc

- They have the exact same sense of humor and can always make each other fucking lose their shit at the absolute worst of times

- Arthur only vents to Francis and Portugal about shit

- They both have playlists that have songs that remind them of each other, and one time Francis threw together a mixtape that he called their “If We Could Get Married Mixtape”

- They’re both fucking ass at being parental figures (obviously😐)

- Francis cuts Arthur’s hair. Like he is the only person that Arthur sorta trusts to make him look hot

- Francis says I love you outloud more than Arthur but like mf shows it in different ways like acts of services and gifts and whatever. He’s just terrible with words

- They’ve probably seen each other die a lot SHHFJFJFKT, it never really hurt them on a deep level until the 1900s. That’s when their relationship started improving a lot and the like centuries of “””hatred””” began to fade

- They are and have been best friends for CENTURIES, so they’re mega fucking close. When they were like. Enemies and shit it was a whole thing of like “I despise everything about you but I would do literally anything for you to be happy, and I don’t know why”

I’m gonna make a part 2 for them when I can find more of ones I’ve made bc— I love them sm. I love PortEng too but FrUk...my beloved

[beclynn-herondale]

hi! ❤ hope you are well, i'm so happy to know you liked my last robert analysis. it feels very safe and nice to write about him to you, so it makes me really glad that you're enjoying too. forgive me, it took me a while to write this one!

between the points you mentioned, what you said you think about his trauma got my attention first. what you think is right, and i thought it would be a good idea to help you with your conclusions if i explained robert's trauma in details.

to examine it closely, i separate robert's childhood trauma into three parts. i guess we could say he had three different childhood traumas. you probably remember it generally: rune experience, parents, and discrimination. each one was deeply connected to the others but had a different effect in some ways.

1- rune experience: it's kinda hard to people to understand what happened because its horribleness was complex. i'll try to summarize. it was robert's 12th birthday. first of all, robert was being burned alive non-stop. he wasn't having his flesh burned, he was something like "burning inside." how intense the pain was: it consumed his entire being, he lost the ability to think, the pain blocked any thought or memory he could have, so robert didn't know who he was, where he was or what was happening, because all his body/mind/soul were processing was the extreme pain. it was mortal pain, it was supposed to kill robert, he was supposed to die consumed but the burning pain. but it didn't. somehow, while he hadn't the ability to think or feel anything but pain, he had strenght to stay alive in pain instead of die. he was enduring something people shouldn't be able to survive to. in his state where his sould/mind was enduring differently of his body, there were demons, and they tortured robert physically and verbally. then, his family members appeared to him, basically saying he was worthless and should die. he really was supposed to be dead by then, and he could see it, he literally could see hell right waiting for him to finally expire. but it didn't happen. somehow he endured it. now, all of this, lasted one entire month. it's actually hard to imagine someone somehow enduring this for one entire month. i don't think any other character had to endure something like this, except maybe annabel. it's the worse i ever saw happen to a tsc character, it was an entire month. (it's very depressing how nobody could ever understand robert cuz no one else around survived something like this. annabel was tortured, buried alive and then painfully ressurrected, and went literally insane because of it.)

this had multiple consequences to robert. physically, he took a while to recover, but then it was stated his body was fine. the effects were mostly mental. after receiving his first rune, robert was supposed to continue his training, but he couldn't. other kids of his age were evolving their training, while he was doing nothing about it. he both hadn't the energy and couldn't do it, cuz he was afraid of steeles. something perfectly logical since a steele caused that month of agony. you know he eventually managed to learn to use steeles to be an actual shadowhunter. but it wasn't all.

the first rune is something normal that happens to all shadowhunters, and it's mostly something good. the way it was horrible to robert in a way no one could have expected, made robert develop extreme anxiety; because the worst happened to him triggered by something common. so while doing common things, robert would be always scared and anxious, thinking about the worst of the worst that could happen. while it wasn't much notable to other people, it harmed his development and behavior a lot, consequently harming his self-steem, cuz he couldn't do things right, he was always worried and overthinking everything.

to compensate it, robert became somebody who worked on two extremes: he was always overthinking everything, except in battle. in battle he wasn't what we define as brave i guess. he was fearless. valentine is the one who helped robert to achieve that. (we know his actual motivations, this isn't important now) the mental process valentine taught him was: robert's inherent fear and anxiety made him fail, and that made him despise himself (that's something robert does a lot for countless reasons). robert should not only embrace the fury he felt against himself, but it should dominate him, and he use its intensity to block his fear. then basically, robert should do a mental form of self harm, letting the strenght of his hate for himself take his mind and use this strenght to control his actions. robert's fury leading his actions, not his fear and anxiety. as expected with this process, robert then was able to engage in normal shadowhunter activities, but fearless when it came to physical risk. logically this would be very dangerous, but we can imagine how useful it was for valentine to have on his team a warrior like this who was such a big and strong man and centainly could take a lot of physical damage and pain (and i guess it shouldn't be any doubt that being so tough helped robert a lot to survive through the years). we know it was because of this robert felt he owed loyalty to valentine.

2- parents: first, something kinda interesting is that robert had other relatives and they were there when robert's first rune was made. we are informed that his state during that month of agony was a scandal and robert's parents were the ones being absurd. so we can assume his other relatives had nothing to do with it. another strong evidence is robert naming two of his children with names from his family, what indicates he didn't saw his entire family negatively. now his parents... let's never forget what happened to robert was supposed to kill him on incredible intense pain. andrew and phoebe deliberately let their child to die in pain so he wouldn't be a mundane. i personally classify them between the worst shadowhunters parents along with céline's, annabel's, valentine and tatiana.

after robert woke up, they (or anyone else) never cared to ask robert how he felt. all they wanted was to make everything seem normal, without caring about how robert was taking it. they never showed any regret about what they've done: they did the opposite of that, telling robert right on his face what they did and how they were sure that it was totally worth it to make him go through that to not be a mundane. it hurt (and traumatized) robert a lot.

love from parents and relatives is supposed to be the first love someone gets. and robert didn't have that. if his parents showed love to him on his first years alive, it never mattered because these two traumas mentioned made robert forget anything about his parents from before his first rune. he couldn't ever remember them as actual parental figures of love. the only parents he remembered and recognized were the ones who left him to endure that, looked proud of it and never cared about its effects on him afterwards. as far as it counted, robert lived a loveless childhood. as i mentioned, andrew and phoebe wanted everything to be as normal possible, so they just acted as robert's parents as if anything happened, but it was pointless and felt cold. after knowing what they did to him (what they let happen to him), knowing that they didn't actually love him as their child, robert couldn't have a bond with them, he couldn't even be comfortable around them. it's described that their presence was what intensified robert's loneliness the most. so he didn't spend much time around them, he stayed in his room.

without his parents' love, robert's first experience with love was when he was 13 years old, with michael. it was setting a standard of love to him, with the long-term consequences afterwards being devastating. (i guess someone could even connect robert not recognizing his parents affection with his future performance of fatherhood, but that would be mostly guessing and i rather work with things i can prove. another good guess i think would be connecting his loveless childhood to how robert during his teenagehood had messy limits between his love for michael and his affection for maryse and didn't know how to handle or recognize it. i mean mostly things like, if michael was robert's best friend/parabatai and maryse his romantic partner and probably future wife, why did robert see maryse and women in general as a threat to michael's place in his life and their parabatai and best friend relationship? he saw valentine having a parabatai he loved and a girlfriend he wanted to get married to, and still freaked out about a woman as his wife replacing michael who was his parabatai, what didn't make any sense. i know people joke about robert being "clueless" about michael but it isn't much funny with this context. finally, another guess would be connecting robert's discovery that his parents' love for him was faulty through they letting him hurt to his beliefs that what he did to michael proved his love for michael was faulty. you can deliberate about all of these conjectures if you want).

3- discrimination: before his first rune, robert had other kids to play with, but he wouldn't remember much of it. yeah, we can say robert doesn't remember anything about how he was treated by people before his first rune. robert doesn't know a life without trauma.

since what happened to robert was a political scandal, with everyone trying to save robert and his parents wanting him to keep his painful and mortal rune, what happened to him was kind of general knowledge. then, no kid wanted to play or train with him. at first he was still recovering, but then he couldn't move foward because he didn't have anyone. he didn't want to be around his parents' coldness and no one else wanted to be around him, quite literally. other people would be around him only when being forced, and then would stay the most distant of him possible, to never get physically close of him, as if to not catch a disease. this is absolutely dreadful to a child.

being treated like this hurt and traumatized robert terribly. being around any one was horrible, so he spent most of the time hidden in his room. not being able to improve on anything because of his fears and anxiety and not having anyone to train with or even to socialize with, and basically never being able to move on about what happened, robert hated to be alive and wished to be dead, wished the rune had killed him as it should have, because he thought no death could be worse than his life, so be dead would be better. this state of mind dured an entire year before michael came around. a lot of damage had been done by then.

being treated like he was "sick" and ostracized left a huge psychological wound on him. to him, discrimination was one of the worst things ever, for something that was never his fault and he never choose to.

(one may think that if robert hates discrimination, it doesn't make sense to him to dislike downworlders, but it actually does. all robert wanted was to be a normal shadowhunter, and he had deeper reasons than most to be passionate about being one. disliking downworlders would be an ideal average shadowhunter thing to do. but robert was far from ignorant. he didn't think downworlders were animals or demons and was far more inclined to defend downworlder segregation than downworlder extermination. of course segregation is something horrible in general and should never be defended, but with downworlders being different sub-species, it wasn't as absurd as the extermination valentine defended, and robert being actually smart and open minded, we know he actually changed his beliefs).

now, to him, one being discriminated by their peers was one of the worst things that could happen, and the perspective of being discriminated terrified and triggered robert deeply. we know the perspective of homosexuality freaks robert out because of the discrimination, marginalization and "anormality" experience that comes with it (and robert is a 60s kid and shadowhunter society is a conservative mess, so it would naturally seem so much more taboo to him), what scared him deeply. we see him getting extremely anxious over himself, michael and alec about the perspective of homophobic discrimination.

robert only started training with runes after his 14th birthday. his training was late, and between his 12th and 14th birthdays, half of the time was extremely traumatizing, the other half he spent most with michael (who helped him a lot about everything). but still, it was a very big share of his childhood-teenagehood and he didn't have the feeling or normality. everything i said about his anxiety over shadowhunting, specially over runes, applied intensely during his entire teenagehood, but robert went to the academy with michael where he was having normal training and final got to socialize a little. he loved so much to feel a little normal. he still felt like a weak and useless trash, but at least he was doing normal shadowhunting things and living like a teenager. the problem was: he wanted to live his entire teenagehood, and he just couldn't do that. training is supposed to end when shadowhunters are 18 years old. robert would stay at the academy until he was 19, and still didn't seem enough. while he was older than his fellows, he felt far less mature. much of his development time had been lost, and he would never get it back. in this context, it made very sense to robert's girlfriend be a younger girl and his admiration for a younger boy (valentine), and there were jokes about him being old, but what bothered robert the most was that he should soon live an adult man average life with wife and kids, when his perspective of life was being with michael in the academy. we also know how that went... and he married maryse when he was about 21/22 years old and maryse about 19.

forgive me for any grammar mistakes. i think this summary can help a lot! at least i hope it's useful to you or anyone else who read it! writing it was very thoughtful (and it's really a huge joy for me to explain things about robert, if you haven't guessed) and i hope to start working on my next ask soon

xoxo, take care of yourself, kind fellow ☺ thank you for your attention

First of all,. I'm sorry for getting to this late.

Second, I don't think I need to add anything. This is written very well, and gave me a deeper understanding.

And I am once again saying: let Shadowhunters get help with their trauma 😭

Also, TSC has a lot of bad parents. But it sadly represents real life 😔

Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I enjoyed reading it. And I agree with a lot that was said.

[bigdaddyomega]

The Nunz: Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far away, there was a church. This church was far different from an ordinary church. If one were to pass by, they probably would have never expected it to be a church. The appearance of the building seemed very old and rundown. Most were surprised that there were people still living in it. Though it was still very active. The yard and the greenery was indeed a very beautiful sight to see. The pond was perfectly clean where fish and many other small creatures were able to swim freely. The grass was perfectly cut and the flowers began to bloom. Which meant that spring was beginning to come.

Despite the beautiful sight of everything, Alyssa Nelson hated this place. It made her sick to her stomach just to look at it. She despised the way that the building looked. She felt that she would be living under terrible conditions during her stay at this place. If she could go back in time, she would have tried to convince her mom to not even think about sending her to this place that she believed was so horrid. She observed who she assumed were humans wearing silver masks and all black outfits playing a game of football with one another. She believed that they looked intimidating and already decided that she wanted nothing to do with them.

"Mom, do I really have to do this?" Alyssa asked her mom as she turned to look at the older version of herself.

"Yes, it's for your own good." Mrs. Nelson replied to her eighteen year old daughter. Alyssa shook her head.

"But I'm eighteen years old. I shouldn't have to go to rehab." She disagreed.

"It's not rehab. It's an alternative program for you to better yourself. And I am sending you here because you are eighteen. I don't want you to go down the wrong path and end up dead when you're twenty. That's my worst fear." Mrs. Nelson explained. Alyssa could hear the worry in her mother's voice and that made her feel extrmely uneasy.

"They always say that one time won't hurt, but that could not be further from the truth. I want you to better yourself. Just give this place a chance, Alyssa." Her mom said. This was the last time she could convince her child that this was what was best for her. The only response that her daughter gave was to roll her eyes and get out of the vehicle. At this point she knew that she no longer had a choice. All hope was lost for her. She popped the trunk open and began to get all of her belongings out with the help of her mother. Luckily, Alyssa was able to carry it all with both of her hands.

Meanwhile, a girl the same age as Alyssa was still sitting in the car in front of them. She observes the entire area. She admires the beauty of it all. But hates the fact that she has to be here with a passion. Like Alyssa, she felt that she had done nothing wrong. Or at least nothing horrible to where she needs to be here. Her father stared at the spitting image of himself in disgust. He most definitely believed that she deserved to be here. He wanted her to change. He just didn't want the responsibility of helping her to change.

"I hope that you get something out of however long you need to be here. So that you will never do what you did again." He told his daughter in a stern tone. She didn't mind him talking to her in this tone at all. In fact, she wanted to get out of the car so that she could get the hell away from him.

"Alright, later dad." Were this girl's departing words from him. She stepped out of the car and slammed the door to the passenger seat just to spite her father. She opens the back seat of the car and starts to take out each trash bag containing her belongings one at a time. The attention of those who are outside is now on her. Not a single one of those ghouls could take their eyes off her. Some were admiring her beauty. Others were judging by the way that she carried herself. Fire, the smallest ghoul of them all, could not help but to laugh. He did his absolute best to hide it by pretending to cough, and clearly that did not work. His best friend Aether shook his head.

"Dew, Don't laugh, it's not funny." Aether criticized. However, Fire just could not find the strength to stop.

"I can't help it!" Fire almost screamed and began to become hysterical. Those around him could see the tears of laughter streaming down his eyes.

"I really don't get it. She couldn't just ask somebody if she could borrow a suitcase?" Rain commented.

"I bet you she's too poor!" Swiss said. All of the ghouls looked at each other and began to laugh in unison. Fire was right, it indeed was very comical.

The other girl made it to the front of the convent without her father. She wanted to do this alone. It was also too late to want her father with her, he had already driven off. There was no turning back from here. She was officially stuck. Both Alyssa and her mother stare at the girl. Regardless of them judging her, she gave them a smile. Before anybody could say anything, the door opened to reveal a petite aging woman who had long gray hair that was tied back. Though she was aging, she was still very pretty and presented herself very professionally.

"Hello. I'm Sister Imperator, and I'm the director of this institution." The older woman introduced herself. She held out her hand to Mrs. Nelson first. They both shook hands and Sister gave her a smile. This smile was almost too nice. It had the potential to be deceptive.

"Hi, I'm Adele and this is my daughter Alyssa." Mrs. Nelson introduced the two of them. Sister Imperator then shook Alyssa's hand giving her that same smile and turned to the other girl.

"I'm Star. Nice to meet you." The other girl was finally able to reveal the name that she had given to herself just before being here. Sister Imperator furrowed her brows.

"I'm sorry, there has to be a mistake of some sort. I didn't get the name of Star in anyone's paperwork." She stated out of confusion. Star had to think of an answer. She couldn't stand her real name and believed that now was her chance to get away from it.

"Ok, that's just my nickname. If you read my paperwork thoroughly, you would know that my real name is fucking awful. So please, just call me Star." The young girl practically begged. The only instant response that Sister could give was to nod after she shook her hand.

"I understand completely. My real name isn't all that great either. But anyways, it is nice to meet you all. We are so happy to have you join us. Come inside and I'll show you around the convent before we make any final decisions." She said and reentered into her own home. All three of the other women followed her inside. All of their expectations of what this place was going to be were now gone. The interior of this place was absolutely stunning. The entire place was brightly lit due to the row of crystal chandeliers. The pillars surrounding the second floor looked as if they were just built in. The checker printed tiled floor was probably just cleaned minutes before they entered.

Sister Imperator showed them every inch of the inside of the building. From the cafeteria that was empty at the moment, but it was a very clean place. She also showed them an example of the rooms which they are going to be staying in. The king sized beds made both girls tired just by the sight of them. They did not have to lay in them to know that they were extremely comfortable. Even their bathrooms were very luxurious. However, nothing could beat the chapel. This entire area of the large building was the most beautiful of them all. The stain glass windows reflected many colors into the room and behind the altar was a large cross. Alyssa and Star had never seen a crucifix so big in their lives.

"As you all can tell, we are a very Christian organization. We do our best to help late adolesence and young adults to better imporve themselves in order to go out into the real world in just under two years." Sister Imperator explained as she opened the back door which lead to the outside of this place. Everyone followed her. Alyssa and her mom seeming normal, and Star, her eyes were so wide due to thinking about how she may not get out of here until she's twenty. All three women enjoyed the sight of the outside. Mrs. Nelson was observing from a critical view. But the girls were more interested in the football game going on between the ghouls.

"One of the ways of improvement that we have observed throughout this entire program is having at least two hours of physical activity every single day." Sister added her commentary once again. All of them watched as a nameless ghoul named Mountain had the ball in his hands. He was trying to throw it, but another ghoul named Swiss was blocking him from doing so.

"Swiss, move!" Mountain yelled in a very annoyed tone. However, Swiss did not respect his request and actually did the exact opposite. Swiss made the wise decision to kick Mountain in the ballsack. This was the worst feeling in the world for ghouls and humans alike. Mountain held onto his crotch area as if he was holding on for dear life. The only female ghoul out there at the moment took notice of what had happened. Cumulus was probably one of the most caring individuals of anyone in this place. Not only that, but anyone who came into contact with her found her to be adorable.

"Blow the whistle! Blow the whistle!" Were the only words that Mountain could say at the moment. Cumulus did just that.

"Half time!" She called out. Everyone groaned out of annoyance because one of the two teams was on the verge of winning.

"Typical." Swiss shook his head. He kicked Mountain in that same area again. But this time the pain was a lot worse than the previous kick.

"Let me ask you something, if this is such a Christian envirionment, then how come all of them over there are wearing devil masks?" Mrs. Nelson inquired.

"Oh well, it's one of the forms of punishments that we have here. That would mean that they comitted a mortal sin." Sister replied. Mrs. Nelson nodded even though she may not have agreed with that. It seemed that this was the end of the entire tour, and it was now time to make the decision whether or not Alyssa would be staying there. Alyssa was hoping and praying to the god that she doesn't believe in, that her mother has changed her mind.

"So, the last thing that I need to go over with you is pricing. I have the bill right here for you to make the final decision." Sister went into her jacket to take out an average piece of paper. Mrs. Nelson took it and her eyes nearly came out of their sockets as a result of reading the price.

"So, this is the price per year, correct?" She asked.

"No. Actually per week." Sister replied. Mrs. Nelson turned to her daughter and then placed her signature on the bottom of the paper. At this moment, Alyssa was officially doomed. She hated this feeling more than anything. She felt that she was about to have a heart attack.

"I'll pay for it the best way that I can, even if that means me getting a loan. But please help my daughter to improve. That's really what I want for her." Alyssa's mother said. Sister Imperator placed her hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry about that, she's in good hands with us." Sister reassured her. Alyssa and her mother shared one last hug with each other. This was the last embrace that they would have with one another for a long time. Potentially two years if her mother could not afford another flight to come see her. Her mother told her that she loved her as they left each other's embrace. Alyssa didn't tell her mother that she loved her back. In fact, she wanted nothing to do with her at that moment. She wondered how her mother could say that she loved her but send her to a place like this.

Once her mother had driven away, Sister Imperator's smile completely disappeared. She was now completely serious. It was almost like she had mutated right before their eyes. It scared both girls because they had no idea what to expect next.

"Alright bitches, listen up. Almost everything that I had said was complete and utter bullshit. I really could care less about your well being. I only do this program because I love my money. So if you two can keep your goddamn mouths shut for two years, then maybe your life won't be so miserable here!" She explained in a very feisty tone.

"So, this isn't a church?" Star wanted clarification. Out of all the question to ask, she asked that one.

"It is, just not a Christian church." Sister Imperator answered. Star nodded and then she tried to figure out what kind of church it really was.

"Now, you two should be escorted to your rooms. Cardinal!" Sister Imperator directed. Now the girls had their hopes up. Only because they saw how comfortable the beds were and only wanted to get at least an hour of sleep at the moment. A young looking man appeared suddenly. He was wearing all black and his light brown hair was neatly in place while the hat was able to stay on top of his head. Both of the girls thought he was sort of odd looking.

"Cardinal, this is Alyssa and Star, they are new potential sacrifices. Could you please escort these ladies to their new rooms?" Sister Imperator requested.

"Of course." Cardinal Copia answered and motioned for the two young women to follow him. Copia lead them back inside along with all of their stuff. When he noticed all of the luggage that they had, he was reminded of what needs to be done.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I need you to leave your belongings right here." He said. Both girls gave him a confused stare.

"What? Why?" Alyssa questioned.

"You're not allowed to have anything personal here. Anything that you need we'll provide for you." He explained.

"So then what's going to happen to my shit?" Star asked.

"You'll get it back when you're released." He said. Both of the girls dropped their stuff on the floor and displayed as much attitude as they could.

"You're making this shit sound like a prison." Star commented.

"Shut up and follow me." Cardinal Copia ordered and continued walking. Both of the girls followed him and now felt empty without carrying all of their belongings. He leads them down to a dark stairway. For them it was very scary. Star was wondering what the hell they needed to go into the basement for. Because that was what this place was, a basement. The further down they went, the more spearated from the sunlight they became. It took them about five total minutes to make it to the floor. It was cold and made of pure concrete. Alyssa jumped as soon as she saw the pentogram spray painted red on the floor. She didn't really know why she was so scared of it. It was only a geometric shape. But to her, there was just something so eerie about it. Star looked down as well and the symbol did not even phase her on the outside. But on the inside she was just as scared.

"So creepy." Alyssa whispered. Star nodded agreeing with her. Cardinal Copia stopped at a door on the side wall and took out an entire ring of many keys. Somehow he was able to pick out the right one to unlock the door. When the door opened, he motioned for the two of them to go inside. When they stepped in, neither of the girls were impressed. There were just two rows of twelve beds on each side. The only light source that they have is a single lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling. They both looked extremely disappointed.

"You're not going to tell me that this is our room." Alyssa protested.

"Pick a bed." Cardinal Copia said and closed the door from there. Both Alyssa and Star heard the sound of a click before the footsteps leaving the basement. That one click scared both girls to death. Alyssa immediately sprinted over and tried to turn the knob of the door. She couldn't. Neither of them could even try to break the door down. Both turned to each other with anxiety taking over the both of them.

"Shit. I hate to break it to you, but we're locked in." Alyssa revealed.

Author’s Note: wasn’t that shitty as fuck? Yeah I agree. But this is the first chapter of my first Ghost fanfic. As I said in my previous post, this is on my Wattpad but I’m going to post it on here. Enjoy regardless and I love y’all.💀❤️

[twelvemagpies]

Zinc white, lemon, yellow ochre, cadmium orange, cadmium red, violet rose, blue lake, blue cobalt, green, olive green, umber, black!!!! (That's a lot OTL you don't have to do then all!)

fjdskfa i accept the challenge (and i’m gonna stick it under a cut)

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

tbqh i have no idea what my hell brain is up to lately and i’m too tired to sort it out (though i really really should fdjsklfsa). mostly just trying to right my immensely fucked sleep schedule bc it’s gone off the rails the last couple weeks for no discernible reason and i’m hoping that’ll sort out the rest of it

lemon; what’s your comfort food?

right now it’s probably buttered toast and coffee…..my comfort food is whatever sounds nicest in the moment, honestly

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

just started listening to cosmo sheldrake and autoheart and i’m digging their stuff tbh

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

UM……fjdskla not to be Scientist Archetype but i don’t really have days off! when i was in the lab i’d go in every day to get work done faster, and right now i’m spending most of my time reading up on protocols and recent research publications in between mad fits of cleaning energy lmao

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

(fjdkslfa somebody had to point out to me recently that two people i’ve dated look pretty alike because i hadn’t noticed at all since they have very different personalities) i don’t think so lmao! or at least i feel like having a “type” involves some amount of conscious choice/effort, so i don’t think i have one bc i’m not really more/less attracted to any specific traits……and by traits i mean like “tall” “blonde” “big nose” etc etc and not like “not an asshole” or “basic human decency”

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

man i was thinking about this yesterday and i had a really good specific answer but i cannae remember it anymore! but in general i don’t have really care what the place looks like, i’d just like to own it outright ([meme voice] in this economy)

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

i don’t want to settle down

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

i actually don’t like my name at all lmao, but literally no one’s ever used it and i’ve since amassed about a dozen other names that people use for me regularly so i’m not super bothered by it

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

(does anybody have any actual plans to go anywhere atm lol) but for realsies i’d like to visit canada, mexico, and japan. the first two bc i’ve Almost Been to both of them a bunch of times so i’d actually like to finally go, and then japan bc i’ve gotten a lot of recommendations of things to see there from folks whose opinions i trust

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far?

i bought a couple new books the other day that i wanna start reading and i want to reread esmé weijun wang’s the collected schizophrenias, but instead i’m reading a bunch of chess theory for some reason (the reason is that i love to suffer and i hate chess)

umber; have you drank enough water today?

fjdsklfa no but i really should’ve!! i’ve had like four cups of coffee though so i have in fact Imbibed Liquids

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful!

so i actually deeply physically despise having my photo taken, but here’s a photo of me from a couple years ago doing a preliminary fit test of some PPE i had to wear at work

(picture taken before i had to put on the glorified oven mitts that were the gloves bc i couldn’t bend my fingers in them lmao)

[wellward-a]

I was just wondering (like genuinely, this isn't an attack or anything) why you still get involved with caos fandom or watch it /rp it etc if you clearly don't like the show? I get not liking certain aspects but you seem to genuinely despise it so I'm just curious why you're still involved with it? when something annoys me that much i leave it behind. like with a speed of eat my irritated dust.

there are a couple of different ways i could answer this question

1. i’m a michelle fan and like any fan of an actor i’ll gladly sit through something that’s trash just for them, and despite the writing on the show she’s really acting the hell out of her part(s) and i’m quite invested in her characters.

2. the show deals with subjects i actually take seriously and find interesting--the history of witchcraft, women’s history, feminism in general--so i’ll hatewatch it just to see how bad they fuck it up.

3. SOMEbody’s gotta criticize the show you know... and in a way that’s not just “CAN’T BELIEVE M*DAM SP*LLMAN DIDNT KISS THIS SEASON!!!! WHY WONT M*CHELLE TOP ME!!!!!!!!!! EVERY SECOND M*CHELLE SPENT NOT FOLLOWING M*RANDA ON INSTAGRAM WAS WILLFUL HOMOPHOBIA!!!!!” like most critical posts i see from fans 👀

4. i was asked this question once before, and the person i mentioned then was jean rhys--the author of the book wide sargasso sea. wide sargasso sea is a prequel to the novel jane eyre, focusing on the character of bertha rochester and expanding the brief glimpse we saw of her into a novel’s worth of critique and interrogation of the assumptions of jane eyre on the feminist and postcolonialist levels. i can’t claim to be doing anything of literary importance on the level of that book, but i can say that i share an impetus with rhys to push through the gaps i perceive in a flawed narrative and try to widen them, so that the light can get in and aspects of the story previously hidden can be illuminated.

5. i like trash lol i’ve always loved trash for some reason i ADORE bad movies and tv shows and get super invested in them (Ask Me About My Emerald City Opinions) caos is a bit different in that my instinct is not to say “oh, i love that show, it’s terrible though” but to say “i HATE that show, i still watch it though” which i think is because of what caos thinks it’s doing, and also from my residual trauma from being told by some hets that riverdale is peak progressiveness and that i need an appreciation for “magical realism” to really “get it” (btw, i have an english degree and have read many, MANY works of magical realism... i’m still grinding my teeth about this)

[futurewriter2000]

Can I have a golden trio ship? I'm 17 years old. I have brown hair with green eyes and I'm 5'0" tall. I'm a Slytherin I'm extremely friendly, outgoing, and funny towards most. However, I can be a very shady bitch towards people that I don't like and can get a bit sensitive with certain things. I have my whole life planned out; I'm going into the education field for kids and I can't wait for that new chapter. I love hanging out with friends, gossiping, or just being a bum and staying inside!

I pair you with DRACO MALFOY!

I know, I know..why that arrogant blonde boy? WELL THE ANSWER IS HERE!

You were always a different kind of Slytherin. Sometimes people wondered why you weren’t put in Hufflepuff. Friendly, funny, always there to help... well...Draco found out how.

You weren’t easy to tick off but he just kept being a lil prick. “ Off to find your mudblood of a boyfriend.” he snickered as he followed you down the hall. Yes, you dated a muggleborn Ravenclaw but it was never serios and Draco...well to be honest Draco always had a small crush on you and like every other boy in the world, instead of telling you about it, he rather teased you. “ My what?” you forced a fake smile as you turned around and pressed your hand on his chest. Oh was he pissing you off at the moment. Those mishivious evil eyes and that awfully charming smirk. “ Your mudblood of a boyfriend.” he spoke quietly yet with an amuzing smirk. “ Well, at least he’s not the son of an Azkaban prisoner, Death Eater who- HA!” you let out a fake laugh, goading him. “ Can’t even please his own “Dark Lord.” “ you air quoted and wiped that smirk off his face. “ You have no right speaking of my father like that!” he snarled. “ Oh yeah? Watch me, Malfoy.” you knockned him with your shoulder and walked away. 

oH That was when hell began for the two of you. 

Draco was always evengful. He was proud of his family’s name, proud of his father and mother, of his whole family and somebody talking down on him like that wasn’t very much “let it go” kind of thing. 

And he hated you. He hated you from a far at first. Glaring as you laughed with your friends, tutored younger children, walked with a lovely smile in Hogsmeade and sometimes just laying in the common room with your planner. 

He hated you. 

So when he finally passed stage one of hating you ( from a far) he decided to be a prick again. “ Psst! (y/l/n).” - “ What?” - “ Heard your father got sacked. Kinda shows on you.” he checked your robes, which were a bit torn at the arms but you just flushed red and turned away. Yes, your father got fired from work but you didn’t mind wearing old robes. You knew he would find a better job. A job that he would love. Plus you already sent emails for your intership, so there werent any more torn robes in your life. 

He kept being a prick. It was what he was best at but one day he took it to the next level, but the plan kind of backfired on him. The potion you made perfectly, PERFECTLY, and I mean P.E.R.F.E.C.T.L.Y. somehow ended up exploading in your face but as it turned out, so did Draco’s. 

Snape took 5 points from you each and both of you ended up in detention, cleaning the potions classroom. “ You should have seen your face when it exploaded. I almost died from laughter.!” he laughed and mimicked oyur expression as the potion blew in your face. “ You should have seen my face when I found out your father went to Azkaban. I almost died from laughter.” you retorded and kept gathering the ingridients from the shelves. “ How dare you-” -” You know what, Draco!” you cut in, turning around to glare at him as you told him that.” I don’t care what I dare to say or not dare to say! Because guess what? You don’t either.! If you keep acting like a complete git towards me than I’ll show you the same. I don’t want to be like this but you make me! I don’t want to talk down on your family but you make me, so don’t for a second think that everything I do or say isn’t a consequence of your actions!” ( BAM! YOU TELL HIM GURL!)

Anyway, yes..you shut him up with that. He didn’t bother you anymore with that. Actually the next time the two of you met was after the war was over, you were in the bed next to his. Haha...coinsidence, I think not! 

“ I’m sorry.” he spoke very slowly and quietly but you heard him quite clear. “ Excuse me?” -” I’m sorry....I never appologised to you for being such a prick towards you all these years.” he played with his fingers, avoiding your eyes. “ Why now?” -” I dunno.” he shrugged. “ I felt like I should do at least one right thing for once.” he simpered and you returned the gesture. “ Well... thank you.” 

YAIIIYY PROGRESS

So soon the two of you became close friends. He talked to you about the war about the dark mark, Voldemort himself ( gasp* ) excuse me... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You were actually the only person who he talked about these things with. You were the only one who he had after the war becasue everybody despised him and the tattoo he had on his right forearm. But you didn’t . You accepted him and the mistakes he did in the past. 

So...he finally kissed you. Randowmly when you were being funny again, joking around and teasing him in the middle of December, he just watched you with so much adoration that the next thing you knew he was grabbing you by the cheeks and pulling you into a cold, yet fiery kiss. 

The two of you had a great relationship. Yes, there were still some arguments about little things but everything flew in harmony. 

UNTILL! 

“ You left the bloody spoon in the sink again!” you shouted, almost on the verge of tears. “ HOw ManY TIMES Do i HAvE to TELL YOU! DO NOT LEAVE SPOONS IN THE SINK!!” you shouted and felt like crying. - “ What? It’s just a spoon if it bothers you that much than I’ll just wash it!” -” NO! I’LL WASH IT!” - “ wHat?” - “ I’ll WASH IT YOU STUPID, LAZY ARSE OF A HUSBAND!” you continued to shout, crying. He knew someting must be wrong...I mean...after that would you really believe everything was okay with you...no. He hugged you from behind, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and kissing your head. “ What’s wrong?” he spoke calmly and quiet. You let out sobs and turned around to hug him back, but somehow you ended up saying. “ I’m pregnant.” 

Which was like...A SHOCK for Draco. 

He was like....speechless. He didn’t know how to take care for a baby. HELL, hE even was a baby sometimes.

He was scared, both of you were but he always put on the confident and brave face and that always made you feel safe and happy. 

“ A girl or a boy?” he asked. “ Definetly a girl.” you smiled, caressing your stomach. “ What if it’s a boy.” -” It’s a girl. I can feel it.” -” And if it’s a boy?” -”Draco. It’s a girl. I’m always right.”

It was a boy and Draco never let that conversation go. EVER.

Though despite how he was raised, he was a great father towards your son. He always wanted to be with him, always called when he was at work, always put the two of you first. 

Yet he never showed that side in public. People were still not letting go of the past so sometimes he would get home in a bad mood and just go straight to the bedroom, to sleep. 

You didn’t mind. You knew he needed some sort of peace but you were always there to talk with him. Because that was how the two of you functioned. Maybe you haven’t planned him being your husband or having a kid with him so soon but sometimes the best things are unplanned and they were both the best for you

----

Yay. So I know I needed like a lot of time to write this request and I’m sorry but I did and I’m hope I’m not too late about it. I hope you like it and yeah, love you

Also, SHIPS ARE CLOSED.

[iammultifandomaf]

Chapter 8 - The Gomernot Clan

BROTHERHOOD

Slowly opening his eyes after finally waking up was harder than he imagined. Stiles' head hurt like hell and his vision was blurred. He began remembering what had actually happened back there in the village.

"Shit," he sweared quietly for himself. He found himself sitting down on a very uncomfortable chair, his hands and ankles tightly tied up. He tried to loosen up the rope but it only hurt more. He realized that the rope actually got tighter whenever he tried to get out of it. And that moment he knew that it is possibly the end of him.

The ropes were enchanted, therefore the kidnapper had to be someone who knew who Stiles is. Or who he was before...

Suddenly, Stiles heard footsteps closing in on him. The place he was in was dark and almost nothing could have been seen. Somebody turned on the lightbulb which was directly above Stiles. He squinted at the sudden change and looked up at the person in front of him. It was a woman. Brown long hair, brown eyes, curvy, black clothes. Quite mundane looking for Stiles and he was certain that he had never met her before.

She sent him a resentful glare before she spoke.

"I started to lose hope actually. I thought that you can't be found," she scoffed, "and then you appear at my sister's workplace. Isn't that amazing?"

Stiles looked around as if he searched for something more entertaining than her which enraged the woman. She grabbed Stiles' jaw into her hand and turned his head to face her.

"Of course," she smiled at him with a slight disgust, "you are the arrogant one out of you two, aren't you? You think you are so great, don't you? Well, not anymore. Otherwise, you'd be able to free yourself from the ropes."

Stiles stared silently into her dark eyes, having no expression whatsoever.

"So, let me introduce myself first. You should know who was your doom after all."

"I don't really care," Stiles said monotonously.

"Shut up!" she yelled out and quickly breathed in to calm herself. "You don't have to feign anything. Your cover wasn't good enough. And now, the last surviving from the Gomernot Clan will finally end you."

Stiles rose his eyebrow at the mention of the Gomernot Clan. He hadn't heard this name for years. The dark-haired woman walked over to a shelf which was filled with glass containers and a set of knives which seemed quite dirty. She picked up one knife and two containers and brought them to Stiles.

"You see these? These will be your cause od death. Isn't that ironic? An almost dull knife and two glass containers will kill you," she laughed for herself and positioned the containers underneath Stiles' wrists. Her dark brown eyes drifted to his wrists, putting the blade onto Stiles' skin. The next few seconds made Stiles shut his teeth tightly together and look up at the ceiling. The dull knife slowly made its way through the skin, letting the blood flow into the containers. The woman smiled at Stiles and took a few steps away from him.

"This is the best moment of my life," she said, "you are so helpless, it su-"

She couldn't finish her sentence because the earth beneath them began to shake and the walls cracked, some of them falling down.

"You see, that's what happens when you take my blood," Stiles said, having trouble keeping his voice still. The blood was leaving his body fast and it did make its impact on him.

The woman ignored him and screamed at somebody: "Luis, why isn't the protection working?!"

"I don't kn-" a voice sounded behind the door, not finishing the sentence.

"You'll regret this!" her dark eyes pierced Stiles through who just simply said: "I am not doing this, though."

Suddenly, the lights went dark. Stiles tried to blink through the blurriness of his vision. He could recognize two figures standing in front of him. Within seconds, the person on the right side fell down with a loud thud and the other one turned to Stiles.

"I actually thought that I won't survive this time," Stiles said slowly and tried to grin at his rescuer.

"It would have been if she didn't want your blood."

...

"Stolos," someone whispered at the sleeping boy. "Stoloos," he said more intensely. Stolos opened his eyes and quickly looked at the person waking him up.

"What do you need, Den?"

"Hey, Stolos," Dentorons greeted him with a grin. "I was just thinking that we could hang out a little."

"It's quite early for that, don't you think?"

"Well, I thought that might be the only chance before... well, you know."

"Before what?" Stolos asked, feeling alarmed that his secret was found out.

"You want to... leave, right?" Den said, whispering the word 'leave'.

"Why would you think that?"

"Come on, you despise this place. Now, your brother has returned. He is your brother, isn't he? So, yeah. Nothing is holding you back now."

"Dentorons, even if I wanted, how could I leave? They would hunt me down for treatchery or something."

"You'd find a way."

"Hm, would you wanna leave as well?"

"I am not sure. I don't have anyone out there. And I have some friends here already."

"Do you really want to fight the battles for this damn Empire?"

"Not everybody is that bad..."

"How could you say that? The citizens, the leaders made this system. They are fine with kidnapping innocent children and killing everyone who doesn't pay enough."

"I know, Stolos, but you can also stay and try to change the things here... I don't think that fleeing nor violence is the answer."

"Hm."

"I hope you'll understand this one day, Stolos. And that you will forgive me for staying."

"That will only get you killed," Stolos said and stood up from his bunk.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12211562/8/

[ravengirl94]

Imagine: Benny Turning You

Request: So I saw that your requests were open and I couldn't resist. Could you do an imagine where the reader is like dying but she doesn't cause she asks Benny to change her and he does and he helps her adjust and live a 'normal' life like he does?? Thanks 

Pairing: Benny x Reader

Word Count: 2,500

Warnings: Blood, near-death experience, basically dying to become a vampire, being a vampire? Is that a warning?

@weirdnewbie sorry it took so long, hun! I loved this idea so much and wanted to really get it right.

Strangely enough, you didn't feel anything. That hellhound had used you like a chew toy, leaving deep punctures and gashes all over your body. There was blood everywhere, so you knew something was horribly wrong… and yet, all you felt was cold.

"Y/N!" Benny exclaimed, hurrying to your side and falling to his knees. "Look at me darlin," he said, grabbing your face in his hands, "stay with me." You dragged your eyes up to meet his crystal blue ones, and he looked so worried, so panicked. Probably because of all the blood. Shit, he shouldn't be around you when you were bleeding like this. "Hey now, just take it easy," he said as you struggled to move, pressing his hands over the worst wounds in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. "DEAN!" He bellowed over his shoulder before turning back to you. The look in his eyes scared you, and suddenly you knew you were dying.

"Benny…" you gasped before coughing weakly and tasting copper in your mouth.

"I'm right here darlin," Benny said quietly.

"Don't… let me die…" you wheezed. It was getting harder to breathe as your lungs filled with blood, but you latched onto Benny's wrist and made him look at you. "You promised."

Benny stared down at you, watching as your y/e/c eyes dimmed. There was so much blood he couldn't even tell where all the wounds were, but you were most certainly dying. His heart was breaking in two at the thought. He couldn't lose you. You were the only thing that kept him grounded, that kept him going despite everything wrong in the world, everything wrong with him. You saw good in him, somehow, never thought that the vampirism was anything but a minor inconvenience. Most of the time you even seemed to think it was fun.

"You promised," you managed, blood leaking from the corner of your mouth. It surprised Benny that he wasn't bothered in the slightest by it. Then again, he had more important things to worry about. Your grip was surprisingly tight on his wrist, reminding him just what exactly he had promised…

"Darlin, that's never happening," Benny said, shaking his head as he paced across the room.

"Why not? It makes sense," you stated, crossing your arms and scowling at him. Benny scowled right back. He loved you with all his heart, but damn were you bull-headed. You were so unconcerned with the fact that he was a monster, loved him so fiercely despite the vampirism. But this… this was a whole new level of crazy.

"Because I'm not doing that to you."

"Benny I refuse to get ancient and wrinkly while you get to stay pretty forever," you insisted. If you were discussing something less serious, Benny might have laughed. But this wasn't funny in the slightest.

"I will not condemn you to this," Benny said firmly. Being a vampire wasn't exactly a walk in the park. He was an outcast, a monster, something that hunters like you tracked down and murdered. Not to mention the overwhelming instinctual urge to kill and eat people. That was just super.

"If it's a choice between dying and staying with you forever," you said, snatching Benny's wrist as he paced past you again, "then I pick you. It's my choice, Benny." He stared down at you, reaching up with his free hand to trail his thumb over your cheek.

"Last resort only," he conceded, making you grin. Only you could be happy discussing something like that.

"You promise?"

"I promise darlin."

Only Benny hadn't anticipated actually having to go through with his promise. You weren't supposed to get hurt like this. Benny, Sam and Dean were supposed to protect you, to keep you safe so this never had to happen. But now… Benny hated himself for it, but some selfish part of him wanted to turn you. He wanted to keep you to himself, even if it meant damning you for eternity. So with a sigh and a prayer, Benny picked up his blade and ran it across his wrist. You were fading fast, and there wasn't much time. Even now, your eyes were fluttering shut, your breathing ragged and your skin cold. With an aching chest, Benny pressed a tender kiss to your lips, trying to commit you to memory in case it didn't work, but also because he knew you'd be different if it did.

"God forgive me…" he whispered, holding his wrist to your mouth. Your eyes flew back open at the contact, frighteningly dim and your gaze unfocused. "Drink, darlin," Benny commanded, and you obeyed. Your lips sealed over the skin, tongue running over the wound and then your throat bobbed as you swallowed his blood.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Dean demanded, appearing in the doorway. His horrified gaze was fixed on your mouth, and then he turned to glare daggers at Benny.

"She asked me, brother. Trust me when I say I wouldn't do this to her unless I had any other choice…" Benny said sadly. Dean would understand. He had to understand. He knew how much Benny hated being a monster, despised his own kind. No matter how angry he was at Benny for turning his friend, he had to know it was the only option. That you'd die without it. There wasn't time to get into a debate though, as you slumped unconscious in Benny's hold. Dean paled, staring down at you. "She ain't dead, brother. Her heart is still goin, though it's real weak," Benny assured him, scooping you up into his arms. "We need to stop the bleeding and get some blood ready. If that worked, she'll be mighty hungry when she wakes up."

Dean looked furious beyond belief, but he didn't argue, storming out of the house, Benny trailing behind him, cradling you against his chest.

The first thing that penetrated through the blackness was noise. Electrical humming, far-off indistinct banging, rushing water, but the one that really grabbed your attention was a dull rhythmic thudding. It made your very being ache, pulling you further into consciousness. The sounds got louder, making you groan and turn over, trying to go back to that deep comforting sleep, but pain ripped through your body, emanating from your chest. Your eyes flew open and you gasped, muscles tensing as you struggled with the pain.

"Darlin?" Benny's voice cut through the other sounds, his voice low and soothing. You whimpered and turned over, figuring he was right there and searching for his comforting arms. But the bed was cool and empty beside you. The door opened with a soft squeak, the bright light from the hallway making you cringe away, throwing your arm across your eyes. "How you feelin?" Benny's voice was impossibly loud, though you swore he was whispering. How had you heard him when he was in the hall? He'd sounded like he was right next to you.

"What happened?" You groaned, struggling to sit up. Something was very wrong. The lights in the bunker had never bothered you before, and you could hear everything; Benny's heartbeat, his breathing, even the creak of the floor as he shifted his weight. Dean's voice was audible, though indistinct and far-off. Benny sighed, closing the door gently behind him.

"You were dyin, darlin, do you remember that?" You squeezed your eyes closed in a futile attempt to shut out the noise, memory flashing back to that hunt. The pain in your chest helped you remember the injuries, the blood, the way Benny had been looking at you. How you'd reminded him of your deal.

"Oh god," you gasped, sitting up abruptly and tearing at your wounds. They weren't bleeding anymore, but they still hurt like hell, and now you knew why. Benny had turned you. You were a vampire, and while the change had saved your life, you'd been out cold since and without any sustenance, meaning your body hadn't had a chance to heal.

"I'm sorry, darlin…" Benny whispered, his voice miserably sad.

"Don't do that, Benny. I asked you for this," you said though gritted teeth, wincing as you shifted on the bed again.

"I'm still-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry for this. Ever again," you muttered, tipping your head back and shutting your eyes again as your head throbbed.

"This will help," Benny said quietly. You smelled the blood before you even opened your eyes again, flinching in surprise as fangs snapped down over your human teeth. A growl ripped from your throat, making Benny raise his eyebrows and you clap a hand over your mouth. Benny was smirking as he came closer, though he was moving cautiously, like he was afraid of you. Was he afraid?

"Is that a sippy cup?" You asked skeptically, staring up at Benny.

"Would you rather drink it straight outta the bag, cher?" He asked, holding the cup out to you. The thought made you shudder. In fact, the thought of drinking blood made your human side balk. That was somebody in that cup. It was a person. Human blood. But the vampire was starving, and you reached for it automatically. "Take it easy, now," Benny said calmly as you brought the cup to your lips with shaking hands. You scrunched up your nose and closed your eyes, but it didn't taste bad. In fact, it was good. Your brain and your stomach battled for dominance, but you quickly found the cup empty, and Benny's hands were prying it carefully away from you.

"More," you said, voice hoarse.

"In a little while, darlin. You need to rest," he said, shaking his head.

"Screw you I need to rest," you snarled, pushing off the bed. You already felt better, your wounds weren't throbbing quite so badly, and your headache had eased slightly.

"Darlin, get back in bed," Benny ordered, but you'd gotten a taste of blood, and it was a taste you liked. You knew there was more in the fridge, and why couldn't you have it? You were hungry. In fact, your instincts were practically driving you towards the door, urging you down that hallway to wherever it was those heartbeats were coming from... "Hey!" Benny snapped, making you blink, eyes refocusing on him, "Back in bed."

"I'm hungry," you grunted, aiming for the door. But in an instant, Benny was standing in front of it, his expression grim.

"I can't let you go out there. Not yet," he said quietly, watching you carefully. He'd put the cup down, leaving his hands empty and hanging loosely at his sides. It was his fighting stance, you realized, and the vampire in you found that threatening. Scowling, you went to step around him, but his arm snaked out, catching you around the waist. With a squirm and a shove, you sent Benny stumbling backward. Holy shit, you'd never been able to even budge him before, and the thought made you grin as you hurried down the hall towards the kitchen. Those heartbeats distracted you again though, guiding your feet automatically towards the sound. The lights were near-blinding, making you squint, but you were silent as you stepped into the library.

Dean was sitting with his back to you, staring down at some papers, and Sam was looking through one of the many bookshelves. He was the first to notice you, freezing in place as he turned around.

"Dean," he said in a low voice, making his brother raise his head and follow his gaze.

"Hey there, blood-junkie," Dean said easily as he got to his feet, inching towards the knife on the next table. But you couldn't say anything, eyes locked onto the humans. God dammit, they smelled good, and all you could hear was the steady thrum of blood rushing through their veins. You took a shuddering step forwards, but Benny's voice cut through the room.

"Freeze," he commanded, and despite the roaring in your ears, despite every instinct telling you to rush forward and sink your teeth into Dean, you couldn't move. "That's Sam and Dean, darlin. You remember them?" Benny asked, coming up behind you to rest his hands on your waist. You nodded, eyes still locked on Dean's neck, where you could see his pulse fluttering. "You ain't gonna hurt your friends, Y/N. You understand me?"

"Yeah," you said, voice hoarse. You finally managed to tear your eyes away, looking up at Benny.

"You'll get used to it, darlin. I promise," he said, blue eyes sad, "I'll help you."

Dean let out a deep breath when Benny steered you down towards the kitchen, clearly relieved that he hadn't had to fight you off. That would not have been pretty…

Benny gave you more blood, but made you go slowly, shutting you back in your room, which you realized was pitch black. It just didn't seem like it because of your new night vision.

"How did you stop me?" You asked, glancing up at Benny when you'd finished sipping at your cup. He was sitting at the end of the bed, eyes following your every movement. "I couldn't even stop me." Benny looked down at his hands, like he was considering what to tell you.

"I'm your maker, darlin…" he said, his voice a quiet rumble, "if I need to, I can… well, I can do what I did earlier."

"You can control me," you said in a flat voice, making Benny wince.

"Not exactly," he said, running a hand over his face, "I can try, but it doesn’t always work. When I told you to stop, it helped that you wanted to stop. You wouldn't want to hurt Dean or Sam, even if your instinct to feed said otherwise." The two of you were quiet for a long moment, the air between you tense.

"Do you hate me?" You finally asked, your throat tight as you struggled to keep the tears at bay. Benny had barely looked at you, hardly touched you since you woke up. He hated being a monster, so it wasn't exactly a big jump to the idea that he might hate you now that you were one too.

"What?" Benny asked, expression alarmed.

"You haven't… It's just… I know I'm different, but… I'm still me," you stammered, the tears finally spilling over. In a heartbeat, Benny had you cradled against his chest, arms tight around you.

"Darlin I could never hate you," he whispered, planting a firm kiss against your temple, "and I know you're still you. I've just been trying to give you some space, give you time to adjust." You were still crying against him, face buried in his shirt. His words comforted you, but everything was still overwhelming. Things were different, and you did need to adjust to your new condition, but...

"I never need to adjust to you," you whispered, making a valiant effort to rein in the tears and look up at him. Benny's face broke into a relieved smile, eyes crinkling as he looked at you. He raised a hand, wiping gently at your cheek with his thumb.

"I was a little worried you'd hate me for doin this to you," he admitted, searching your eyes. It made you frown, and you took his face in both of your hands.

"I could never hate you either, Benny," you told him firmly, "I love you."

"I love you too, darlin," he whispered, closing the distance to kiss you, "and we'll figure this out. Together."

"Together," you repeated, smiling for the first time since you'd almost died.

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