#that's why i've resigned myself to a one-shot first

[thecodeveronica]

One thing with writing that is hard for me is settings and describing characters in relation to where they are. Like... when I visualize things when reading - or even just daydreaming - it all happens in a void. Just... no real backdrop or anything until it's relevant, and ONLY when it's relevant. So I have to remind myself that, yes, I should probably mention where they are at sometimes.

[honeysuckle-venom]

Discussion of weight, BMI, medical fatphobia, weight loss medications, ed triggers, internalized fatphobia, desire to relapse, and other related content. No numbers, ultimately recovery oriented but pretty honest about the relapsey feelings

Overall the hepatologist appointment a week ago was good. She said mostly the same thing as the surgeon; it's good to be off the birth control, I'm not in danger currently unless I go back on any estrogen based medication or become pregnant; I need another MRI in a few months to monitor the tumors. She didn't have time to look at the MRI images before the appointment as they take a while to upload, but promised to look at them with the radiologist and surgeon there and call me once she'd looked.

She did mention weight loss could be the one other factor that might help shrink the tumors. Going off the birth control is the biggest thing by far, but she said weight loss might help. I tried to make it fairly clear that I wasn't interested in that, that I had a history of anorexia and was not looking to pursue weight loss at this time. She backed off, and it was okay. But then when I was leaving they handed me a paper with information about the visit, and in big font on the first page it listed my height, weight, and BMI. I'd resigned myself to knowing my weight a few months ago bc of all of these doctor's appointments, but it's been at least 5 years since I've known my BMI, and that was a very conscious choice on my part. I know BMIs are bullshit, but I used to be dangerously obsessed with them and it's an even bigger trigger than weight or calorie numbers are for me. So that was really distressing, and has been bothering me and making food even more difficult than normal for the past week.

Today, thankfully during my therapy session, the doctor called back to discuss the MRI images and her consultation about them with the other doctors. And she again brought up my weight, said that the other doctors all suggested weight loss, and that there was a new type of weight loss drug she could put me on. I lost it, and my therapist stepped in and explained why that was a bad idea. It was one of the most triggering conversations I've had in a very, very long time.

I used to be quite thin, but gained an extreme amount of weight very quickly when I was put on psychiatric medication (esp seroquel) as a teenager. My psychiatrist tried to counteract this by giving me incredibly fucked up advice about what to eat and by putting me on diabetes medication (I'm not diabetic) for its off-label use as an appetite suppressant/weight loss drug. When that had bad side effects she tried to put me on weight loss shots, but I refused. But she spent years pushing various forms of weight loss medication, and it was honestly somewhat traumatic bc of the way it was done/tied up in my ED history.

I stopped seeing that psychiatrist a few years ago, and my current therapist knows I still have an eating disorder, even though it's no longer strict anorexia, and that pursuing intentional weight loss would be incredibly detrimental for me. She's worked to communicate this to my current PCP, and overall I've been fortunate enough not to have people constantly pushing weight loss like I used to expect. So today just really, really took me off guard and upset me. Someone telling me I needed a weight loss medication brought up sooo many triggered thoughts and feelings. I'm very skittish about medication in general, have a lot of medical and medication-based trauma, and have been trying to recover from decades of disordered eating and shame about my body. It was honestly one of the worst, most destabilizing things that could have happened to me.

I'm doing a bit better this evening, but I'm still really upset. I can feel all the different parts of my brain fighting. Part of me wants to cling to recovery and intuitive eating and anti-diet work and all of that stuff, and I know that's the right thing. But so many other parts of me are telling me that it's wrong and weak and bad and dirty and ugly and selfish and lazy and and and and. That I should listen to doctors, that I should diet, that I should relapse, that I should take the pills, that I should get weight loss surgery, that I should never allow myself to be okay with being fat. And I know that's wrong. I know. But the internal fighting and conflict between different world views is vicious right now. It makes me feel dizzy and sick and psychotic and desperate and scared and angry. It's awful. It's just really awful.

[kemendin]

hi! if you don't mind answering, i have a couple questions regarding screenshots that (iirc) you didn't talk about in your recent post 1. what resolution is your monitor? mine is good old 1920x1080 and while my full size screenshots look fine, if i crop them too much, the quality is noticeably bad

2. what format do you use? jpeg or png? and what program do you use to take screenshots? i use steam's screenshot button (F12) which might be where the problem lies, but everything else feels more clunky and uncomfortable to use

or is most of the magic just the post-processing and playing around with correction levels?

also, did you take screenshots of your characters' outfits in a cutscene (and if so, which ones would you recommend for it) or just in the open world?

Sure thing!

I'm also at the regular 1920x1080, so yes, definitely another factor to consider - fullbody shots in game can end up pixelly if you zoom in even a little, and I've more or less resigned myself to this haha. If I'm doing those and cropping them down, I just try to remind myself that I'm mostly posting on tumblr, IG, etc where they're unlikely to be full screen size when folks are seeing them. Sometimes a little sharpening in photoshop helps, but at the end of the day, that's where the resolution is staying at.

Honestly, I go back and forth between jpg and png. As far as posting on the interwebs is concerned, I haven't noticed a real difference in the outcome.

I use the windows game bar for all my screenshots and recordings, primarily because the regular print screen button does NOT work in SWTOR cutscenes, for whatever reason. So I just spam win+print screen to take 'em. One thing I've learned the hard way - screenshot quality is noticeably reduced if I record a cutscene and then screenshot from the recording. This is why I end up going through most cutscenes four or five times - figuring out what dialogue route to choose, screenshotting, and then the last one I actually record.

The outfit posts I make are cutscenes, yes. It is frustratingly hard to find good fullbody shots that take up most of the screen, but I can give you a few options here.

These ones were taken in the first leg of the Republic Taris world story:

This is from an Imperial heroic in Bugtown on Balmorra:

This is from KOTFE Ch VII (Lady of Sorrows), you do have to run through a bit of the chapter to get there, but once you get to the cantina you can keep escaping out and it'll just bounce you out of the instance, and you can change clothes and run in again. I colour correct this somewhat because it is VERY yellow/green.

Hope that's all helpful!

[marvel-ousmondays]

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

So, it's no secret that Edward Norton got dropped and swapped for Mark Ruffalo in the MCU. That said, there is a small scene at the end of the movie that does connect, as well as some more recent references back to both the Abomination and Samuel Sterns, make it still a necessary part of this insane quest.

Plus, Edward Norton is a good actor and I enjoyed the movie the first time, so might as well.

I'm not going to be able to stop myself from comparing Norton's Hulk to Ruffalo's, so I'm just going to be direct about it. Both have a sadness but Norton's is more desperate and striving, where Ruffalo's is more depressed and resigned. While I like Norton's acting, I actually am glad in this case they switched to Ruffalo (all the drama notwithstanding- I'll actually say it sounds like Norton may have gotten a raw deal from the studios) because I think Mark fits better with the team. Mark Ruffalo's strength is he CAN blend into the background and NOT be forgotten. He can be part of a team, not the star, and yet you still care about him, still WANT to know what happens to him.

Norton can't. His acting demands attention from the audience and I mean that in an absolutely positive way. When Edward Norton is on screen, you CANNOT pay attention to anything or anyone not directly interacting with him. For someone normally so softspoken, his presence is commanding and I cannot see how that would have jived with the rest of the Avengers' cast.

All right, on to the movie.

I've got to start off discussing the grittiness again. That's the word that just stands out to me on these re-watches: the first movies are gritty. They're dark. The banter is there but there is an undercurrent of living in a rotten world . I'm watching for when this changes and shifts, because I know it does. I didn't have that feeling when I went to The Marvels or when I've been watching Loki- Season 2. (Yes, I am also watching new stuff because I live in the real world and want to discuss that stuff with friends and could never complete my ENTIRE MCU GOD DANG IT challenge in a timely fashion.)

Thinking about it, these first two movies feel like they fit in the Venom universe more than the actual MCU. Hmm.

On a more comic note, I joked with a friend that the title of this film should be changed to "The Incredible Running Man." The amount of shots just of people running, especially at the beginning, is crazy.

Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky/the Abomination is really compelling. I found this doubly interesting as I noted how much smaller (stature wise) he is than many of the other soldier actors. His fire as a fighter stands out even though he's NOT the epitome of brawn.

The writers depictions of women in this movie frustrated me this round. First of all, I count 3 females TOTAL. We have Liv Tyler as Betty Ross, we have the 1 female soldier (that's it- we get one people) and she's outright called a bitch by Blonsky's character, and we get Marianna, the ONE (again- really- there were no other female actors?) female at the factory. I'm sure there will be some excuse about this making Betty stand out or whatever (never mind that that doesn't stop them from having plenty of male actors in movies where the female hero is the focus). But what doubly frustrates me is that Betty is supposed to be this super scientist and yet she does really dumb stuff. The big one for me on this was when they pawned the necklace to be able to travel to Sterns (because they only had $40) and she BUYS A DIGITAL CAMERA. Guys, this was 2008- digital cameras weren't cheap. Phone cameras SUCKED at that time, if you even had one. Why would she EVER have spent that money? Because the director wanted to have her look at a photo later, that's why. (I want just 1 single mom on a budget in ever writer's room to say things like "They wouldn't do that, you morons.")

I liked the use of the smartwatch with the pulse tracker both when I first watched it and now. That is a factor I kind of wish they would have kept in some way- though I know they went more with the "I'm always angry" method.

Time for a sidebar- there's a LOT of internet discussion about what it means to be worthy in terms of wielding Thor's hammer. I haven't stumbled as much into discussions about anger and Hulk's "powers." The closest was the discussions about the scene in She-Hulk (which I haven't seen at all, except for that clip where he's trying to teach her how to control it and is frustrated at how easily she manages). I think anger is an emotion that doesn't get dissected enough. It's usually labeled as bad and thrown in the bin. But anger can be good- it can propel someone to make changes or stand up for what's right. This movie does a great job of showing that a LOT of Hulk's anger only really rears up when Betty is in danger. It's a protective impulse, not a destructive one. Obviously, unchecked, it's terrible and terrifying but within proper contexts, anger can be its own superpower.

This one overall did feel a bit slower on the re-watch, but I do think the fact that I now know it doesn't connect as much to the others made me impatient. It's still a solid film and worthy to see if you haven't.

Note for me:

Directed by: Louis Leterrier

[toochootrain]

Straight girls are WILD.

Last night after work, I went out to bar for drinks to celebrate one of my coworker's (she/her/hers) one year anniversary in moving to the current city we're all in.

It started out with a beer and some tater tots, then everyone had hunkered to begin telling stories about how they first met this coworker.

More than half this group of seven people (including me) were not originally from the current city. I was the fresh one that moved there most recently (almost four months) and I gratefully resigned myself to simply sitting there (I was extremely tired from work) and basking in the revelry that surrounded this very rambunctious group of people.

They all, one by one, shared their story.

Little did I know that I was in the company of wild party animals who had the most hilarious drunk tales.

Now, I gotta preface this by stating that I thought I had the party animal gene in me.

I've been to college frat parties and stayed out until 3/4am in the morning. I used to challenge trees to boxing matches after a shot too much. I'd go on night hikes through the nearby trails surrounded by redwood trees high off my mind believing that I could meet Buddha.

After meeting up with these people however, it turns out I'm the Virgin Mary.

My conclusion, after the night was over, is that straight girls are the wildest.

They are all out here, getting drunk in the parking lot of your local neighborhood grocery store chain, pissing in the bushes by the loading dock, and showing everyone their ta-tas. Not only do they take notes and compare the bubbalas, but they examine and test the buoyancy of the nunga nungas????

On New Years Eve they all scramble to start making out with each other??? Then on another drunken night, they go do that again in the back of someone's truck??????? And of course, they'd all pass out by 7am having the designated driver uber them all home as they peacefully slumber underneath crushed Modelo cans and half-eaten McDonald's wrappers. Dreaming of what??? Only the universe knows.

Inside my VERY shy (especially when it comes to physical touch) lesbian ass worldview, I could NEVER.

I'm the kind of gal that PEACEFULLY simps from afar and would never do anything of that sort, lest the boat be rocked and break that PEACE between everyone.

But straight peeps just go for it cuz why not? It doesn't count when they're out here making their own personal waterpark in another person-of-the-same sex/gender's mouth then, right?

Needless to say, I was shook to my bones.

The IPA was a solid 8.5/10 tho. Very hearty, bread-like, and not too bitter.

[bts-hyperfixation]

Never Such A Blizzard Before

This is real long for a drabble, hope you like it @madygswich

Also I've posted this like 3 times now, it does not want to show in the tags man 😭

Packing for the holidays was not your favourite thing. All of your flatmates had already left for home, and from what you could tell the rest of the dorm had cleared out too. So naturally you did what anyone would do when they thought they were home alone… you turned up your Christmas music as loud as you could and danced around, clearing the rest of your mess from around the communal spaces. You were midway through a tango with the mop when you spotted him watching you from the apartment opposite yours. His nose is scrunched from the giggles you can’t hear through the glass. Heat rises to your cheeks as you quickly abandon your inanimate partner and duck into the safety of your bedroom. Of all moments for Jeon Jungkook to notice your existence, it had to be this one.

Jungkook was fairly well known around your dorm as the quiet cutie. Everyone wanted to talk to him, but he tended to stick to a fairly small friendship circle, much to all of the girls’ dismay. He was stunning. And there he was laughing at you.

You go to the turn your speaker down when it cuts out of its own accord. Frowning, you attempt to get it working again, but its no use. Then you notice the lamp on your desk had also gone out. Before you get a chance to test any of your other appliances, there’s a knock at the door. An equally puzzled looking Jungkook is now at your door. You open it for him to come in.

“Sorry to intrude on your… dance class? But nothing in my apartments working and you are the only other person I know is still here.” He states

“Yeah, my stereo and lights have all gone out too.” His brow furrows.

“Right okay, I’ll call the accommodation office. Hopefully, someone will still be there, and we can get this sorted soon.” Jungkook takes out his mobile and you take the chance to look at him up close. His new undercut does wonders for his jawline, the soft curl just adding to the effect. His lose-fitted black jumper and black skinny jeans suit him well, a signature style you’ve noticed. Despite his good looks Jungkook didn’t seem to like bringing too much attention to himself. Unfortunately, by concealing himself it just left more people wondering what was underneath. You are brought out of your thoughts when he scoffs at his phone before putting it back in his pocket.

“What did they say?” You ask trying not to stare any longer.

“Powers out.” You roll your eyes at the blunt answer.

“Did they say how long?”

“Nope.” He says popping the p. “They didn’t seem to give a shit to be honest, looks like we are just going to have to keep ourselves entertained until it hopefully comes back on its own.” He shrugs and starts looking around your apartment. “I’m Jungkook by the way, your Y/N right?” he sits himself down at your kitchen table, swinging his legs on to the chair next to him.

“Um, yeah Y/N… Aren’t you supposed to be going home for Christmas?” you moved to feel the kettle and are relieved to find it’s still warm. “Drink?” you try to avoid his gaze as his eyes follow you around the room.

“I’ll take tea if you have it… but, yeah I’m going home but not for two days. My family aren’t even home right now so there wouldn’t be a point. Why are you still here?” it really feels like his eyes are going to bore a hole in the back of your head as you busy yourself.

“My family all work running up to the holidays, if I went home, I’d just be alone for the next week, at least this way I get to be alone without my mom yelling at me to wake up as she leaves in the morning.” You shrug and try not to dwell on it any longer. Placing the tea in front of Jungkook, you take a seat opposite him before taking a sip of your own drink. You savour the warmth in silence for a little while. Every so often one of you will catch the other looking, he starts pulling silly faces when you catch him, making you giggle in return. Eventually you find your way into an easy conversation, you tell him about your course. He listens like he actually cares about the mundane inner workings of your course work. You return the favour, asking intricate question about his film course, the only difference being you find his genuinely interesting.

“You got a pack of cards, and some torches?” He asks, sitting up right.

“We’re at university… of course I have a deck of cards, as long as you don’t mind the beer stains that is and I think there is a big torch in the place” You point to a cupboard by the door and he fetches them back.

“If we can’t use anything electronic, we might as well do some good old fashion gambling” there’s a mischievous glint in his eye as he shuffles the deck. “How about strip poker?” the look on your face must’ve been quite the picture as he starts laughing immediately. “Okay… how about alcohol? We can bet sips and shots, that’ll help warm us up too.” You nod and leave the room.

You return with a bottle of vodka, lemonade, and two red solo cups. You watch as he pours a dangerous amount of liquor into both cups followed by about a thimble of mixer. For someone who kept to himself so much, he sure was eager to get drunk with a stranger. You snatch the lemonade from his grasp and pour more into your cup. You start with blackjack, a civil game, 1 or 2 sips bet at most. You can’t help but giggle at the face he pulls trying to swallow his almost straight vodka. You then switch to schlumpf, a game with six rounds: the first four involve guessing the next card in the deck, the fifth is trying to get rid of those cards, the sixth involves only the person with the most cards - they must face the pyramid (climb up four layers of cards without turning a face card).

You find yourself fairly tipsy after a few rounds. Fairly tipsy and extremely cold…

“Hey, did we check if the heating worked?” Jungkook seems surprised by your question.

“No… we really should’ve huh?” the boiler is hidden in a cupboard in hallway, you rush from the room to check.

“Nothing” you sigh “Heating’s broken.” You call behind you, just to find Jungkook had come with you. You nearly smack straight into him as you turn back towards the kitchen. Your lips a hairbreadths away from his, tension building between the two of you. He glances at your lips and then back at your eyes, asking for permission, but you’ve already lost focus. Something catches your eye out of the large window and the end of your hallway.

“OH MY GOD!” you pull back from him a rush to look outside. He lets a frustrated breath out through his nose before following you to see what was going on. “It’s snowing!” he watches you as you watch the snow, admiring the adorable grin that has taken over your face. He takes in the way your eyes sparkle with the light from the streetlamps reflected in them.

“Wait what time is it?” he asks, suddenly aware of how dark it’s gotten outside. You hadn’t noticed the world dimming around your games. You glance at your watch and your eyes go wide.

“3am…” you look up at him and notice how close he is again. Stood directly behind you, if you took half a step back, you’d be in his arms. “Did you want to stay here… I mean it would be warmer if we stayed together… I mean if you want…” you stutter through stupid excuse to try to get him to stay the night.

“Yeah, you know what that seems like a great idea, sharing body heat or whatever.” His nose scrunches in the cutest way possible and he wraps an arm around your waist. “Anything to stay warm.” He whispers into your ear making you shiver. His embrace is gone as quickly as it was there. “Do you have enough blankets? Or do you want me to fetch mine? We could make a little fort to protect us.” There’s no way you’re turning down that offer. You settle in your bedroom and give him the torch and your door keys so he can go in search of more bedding. You sit there wrapped in your duvet a staring out the window and the settling snow until he comes back with more pillows than anyone should ever own in hand. He has also switch into a plain white t and grey sweats, a look classic enough to make anyone hot under the collar. You try not to focus too much on his pj’s focus the torchlight on your building site instead.

By the time you’re finished with construction, you are exhausted. You don’t really think about it as you cuddle into Jungkook amongst your mountain of pillows and blankets. All you know is you are cosier than you have ever been.

When morning arrives, you are all to aware of who you are snuggled up with, even more aware of his morning wood poking into your back. You wriggle a little, trying not to wake him, but he just sleepily pulls you back into him. You resign yourself to your fate and instead revel in the warmth his body provides.

“Good morning” he mumbles sleepily kissing your hair before realising where he is and who you are. “Oh um… sorry… that was weird.” He then swivels his hips as he realises what position you are in. He doesn’t, however, release you from his embrace. “Apparently I just can’t help myself around a pretty girl.” You feel the deep blush that creeps up your cheeks and try to hide it in his chest.

“It s’okay.” You mumble into him. He chuckles at your reaction and strokes at your hair.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah.”

“Look at me?” you pull your head back from your hiding spot and tilt your chin upwards, only to have your lips met with his. Slightly stale from sleep, but somehow still amazing. It doesn’t help the shyness you had been feeling, and it definitely doesn’t help the situation going on his sweats. He pulls away all too soon for you. “So… was that okay?”

“Yeah… yeah that was okay.” You’re a little breathless as you answer.

“Cool… so I’m going to go brush my teeth but, do you want to continue this when I come back? Or I can just not come back… completely up to you… although I do think it’s going to be really cold again today, and it did seem to work better with two people for heat and…” you cut off his nervous babble with another quick kiss before peeling back the covers and letting the cold air in.

“Continuing sounds great, but you better hurry because you’re going to get cold real quick, and if you think I’m going to let you back in here with cold hands, you’re dreaming.” You tease, gaining confidence in his sudden lack. His bunny smile shows as he leaps out of bed, practically running from your apartment to his. While he is gone you brush your own teeth and find your condoms (it’s been a while). You peel back the curtains a little and are shocked to find the snow still going strong. At least two foot covers sparkles on the floor as the blizzard continues.

You scramble back under the covers when you hear footsteps approaching. He flings back the duvet making you squeal as he straddles you and places cold hands under your shirt.

“What did I say about cold hand!” you cry as he warms them on your stomach.

“You said you wouldn’t let me back in… but I’m not in, I removed the blanket completely. Although I am now seeing the floor in that plan” he drags the duvet back over your bodies.

“It’s all well and good putting the blanket back now, but I’m already cold.” You pout.

“Oh… let me help you with that.” He dips down so his body covers yours completely. He kisses you deeply, much more passionately now that he is minty fresh. He waits until you can’t breathe properly and then moves on to trailing his lips along your chin and down your throat. “Willing to get a little colder to get a lot hotter?” he asks signalling to the hem of your shirt. You bite your lip and nod. “God your hot.” He bends to kiss you once more before doing away with the unwanted fabric. His hot tongue circles one of your nipples, playing with it until its stiff. When he’s satisfied, he moves to the other side doing the same while one of his hands plays with the abandoned peak.

You moan as he bites sensitive skin. He doesn’t leave you long to revel in the pleasure. His fingers dip into your waistband a tug. You lift your hips and allow him to shimmy your pants low enough to play with your core. His left-hand pinches at your clit as his mouth returns to yours, swallowing the desperate whines that tumble form your lips as he teases two fingers at your entrance.

“Tell me how much you want me babygirl.” You arch into his hand at the pet name.

“So…o mu...ch” you pant, not able to manage more. But it’s enough for Jungkook as he pushes both fingers into you. The stretch burns so nicely as he scissors and thrusts into you. It’s difficult to focus on him as he shuffles down your bed for his mouth to join his hand.

“Look at me Y/N” his voice is low and commanding. You use everything in you to meet his eyes as his lips wrap around your clit and suck. The sensation makes you squeal. His response is to go harder. The heat in the pit of your stomach grows until you feel like you might explode. Your orgasm overtakes you, coating his fingers and chin as he continues his endeavours. You ride his fingers until you come down, gasping hard from the release.

“Can you take me?” you meet his eyes and find nothing but lust within the deep brown. You nod enthusiastically, reaching for the condom you prepared. He chuckles as he slides his own pants down. He rips the small blue packet open and slides it easily on to his hard length. You kick your pants the rest of the way down your legs while he sorts himself out, freeing up your movement. Unable to hold back any longer, you wrap your arms around his neck and drag him back down to meet you. Your lips lock together, tongues exploring one another, you can still taste yourself on him. It takes you by surprise when he enters you.

You let a low whine as he gets thicker the further in he pushes. Your nails claw into his back at the small “fuck” that leaves his mouth when he’s all the way in. You wriggle your hips under him, desperate for friction and he groans.

“You keep doing that and this isn’t gonna last long.” He bites down hard on his lip and tries to focus on controlling his thrusts. Each smack of skin is accompanied by a grunt, the speed dizzying as you feel your high approaching for a second time.

“Jungkoo..” you whine as you clench around him, just to be left empty as he pulls out of you. You pout at the loss, sad as your high disappears.

“Turn over baby girl.” He helps you flip and presses back into you with little warning. The new angle feels amazing. Never having felt so full. He pulls almost all the way out of you before pushing hard all the back in, hitting every nerve you have on the way. He supports your quivering form with his strong arms. You’re not sure when he abandoned his shirt, but you are pulled back against his sweaty chest. Your high builds back up so fast you nearly get whiplash. This one even more intense than the last. He drops your spent body back on to the mattress and grabs onto your bum for purchase as he goes harder than ever chasing his own high.

It doesn’t take long for him to cum, buried deep inside of you. It takes him a moment to recover, resting his hands on your back before pulling out and tying the end of the condom.

“I almost don’t want the heating to get fixed if this is going to stay an option.” He says collapsing next to you and recovering you both with the blankets.

“I’m sure we could do this again even if the heating comes back on you know…”

Masterlist

[madmiriam]

My Mando (Din Djarin) /oc's backstory idea (includes alot of rexsoka shipping)

Warning!! : I can't spell for toffee and Tumblr deleted all of my proofreaders edits. Obviously she doesn't want to do it all over again so I've had to make do.

(a clan of three by madmiriam (Me)

We all love the mandalorian, Din Djarin is so sexy as single dad and we all love him for it. But this makes it hard to write and engageing original character to go with this perfect specimen of a man, one that we can really connect with. Well I have a salutation, to connect with a character it helps if that character is also connected to a character/characters that you already know and love. So I give you my original character Jaig.

Look:

Like the picture above, originally I wasn't going to have Din and Grogu in it at first but I have a habit of making life difficult for myself, so your welcome.

Personality:

As an adult, she's calm and patient and has a sarcastic sense of humour.

As a child, she has a bubbly personality, a contagious smile, and an insatiable curiosity.

Strengths:

she finds it difficult to truly hate anyone, no matter what they've done, she proffers to look at the reasons behind the actions of others before jumping in for revenge, that's not to say she doesn't get angry at people, but her anger is not fuelled by hate. She has been fully trained in the use of weaponry, such as guns, granaids and other such, and has had a small amount of training with a lightsaber when she was younger. But afters a experiencing a tragedy at the age of 9 she hasn't touched one since, she proffers the us of DC hand guns. She is also a fairly good pilot and mechanic.

Weaknesses:

back when she was a child she had a hard time using the force when when overwhelmed. If the thoughts and feelings of others got to much, she would become force blind. When she grows older, (for certain reasons you will find out later on in. This story) she completely cuts herself off from the force. Unless her emotions get to much go handle, then the force would almost explodes out of her. She also doesn't do well when she's alown. Having grown up in various large family atmospheres. If she is not around people she cares about and loves, she will become closed off a dipressed.

Back story: (now bear with me, this storyline is set before she meets Din, its just an introduction to this character)

Jaig (due to her small Jaig eye like markings, and her father's personal connection to the simble) is the daughter of ex jedi padawan Ahsoka Tano and her mate/husband Captain Rex. She looks mostly human like her father, with the same amber eyes and his family's dark hair. But with the same facial structure of her mother, and a slightly darker and olive tinged skin tone. She also has distinct white making that were almost identical to her mother's. Except instead of diamond shapes on her forehead, she has jaig eye like markings. She was born 6 years after the clone wars ended, while her parents were on the run from the empire. Rex and Ahsoka had found it impossible to part from one another after the events of order 66, and after travelled from place to place avoiding the empire for a long time. Their feelings for one another grow, and they eventually married through the use of mandalorian marriage vows.

They built a home in the stars, and after a few years, to their great surprise and happiness they conserved and had Jaig. Things were finally looking up with the birth of their new found hope for the future.

(Their new found hope for the future/baby Jaig by madmiriam (me)

But it was not to last. It was hard enough to hide themselves, a clone and a ex jedi from the empire. But now adding a force sensative baby to the mix as well, it made it damn near impossible for them all to stay together. Which; after a terrifying encounter with one of the Empires Inquisitors, forced them to make the difficult decision to part ways. Rex would head off insearch for a new home and hopefully find and de-chip as many brothers as he could. While ahsoka would keep traveling around the stars with Jaig. Avoiding the empire and its ruthless inquisitors, whilst trying to help Jaig build up her Shields. They both agreed to keep in touch and once Jaig's Shields were up and safely secure,(which for the average youngling would take 5 years or so) they would rejoin each other and dicided what to do next. But a year after their separation Rex's comms and messeges had stopped all together, and by the time Jaig had reached the age of five and had built up some suitable shields around her mind, neither she or her mother had herd from her father in over 4 years. Her mother was adament he was still alive, but as she grew older Jaig had a hard time believing her. For if he was alive why hadn't he come to find them? Why was he not answering her mothers messages that she still sent on a regular basis?

By the time she was 6 her mother was approached by Bail Organa, in regards to starting a rebellion, and that is what they spent the next 4 years working towards, staying in the shadows gradually building up a resistance to eventually overthrow the empire.

She and her mother met the ghost crew when she was 9 (the same age Anakin had been when he was found by qui gon) and after an uncomfortably close encounter with a mysterious Sith lord called Darth Vader, Jaig's mother disided it was time to bring her father into the fold, and sent Jaig of with the ghost crew to find Rex.

When meeting her father she had opted to wear a scarf to cover her face markings and, chose to withhold her name, and who she was until she found out more about the man who was her father. She was apprehensive about him. As she had no memorie of her dad, for she was only a baby when he left. The only thing she did have, was this warm comforting feeling that she felt whenever her mother spoke of him. A feeling of being held to a large ferm chest in two equally large and ferm muscular arms. Wrapped in a soft wool blanket. Her mother told her that this was the force making an imprint on one of the more emotional moments of her like. But all the same, she proffered to be cautious.

After spending some time with Rex and his bothers. She found her self really enjoying there company. Aspecially her father's. Who dispite having no idea who she was, had already shown that he had a clear paternal instinct. Particularly when teaching her and Ezra how to fish for "Big Bongo". However Kanan who clearly didn't trust Rex or his brothers had spent most of his time hovering around ether her or Ezra protectively, eventually telling them about his exspirence with order 66, an event her mother never talked about.

After seeing the heartbreak on her father's eyes at the memories he and Kanan spoke of. She desided it was time to tell him who she was. But that decision was cut short however when she overheard Rex telling Ezra that he wasn't going to come back with them. Even though he now knew her mother was alive (1 year after separating when the message's stopped he thought both his wife and child to be dead) Jaig ran of in tears when hearing this. She climbing down the ladder of the the AT-TE and walked ferther in front of the walking monstrosity. Away from everyone else. She had finally gotten used to the idea of her father coming back with them. Had become exited by it even. But now, the fact that he was refusing to come with them. Back to his home, his wife, to her. It hurt and overwhelmed her, more than she could say.

She didn't however see what happened after. When Sebine came out and acused Rex of selling them out, of contacting the empire and never answering Ahsoka's messages; at which point he finds out about how Wolfe had withheld all the messages from Ahsoka for 8 years. Thinking he was protecting his brothers from a potentially vengeful jedi. Rex was furious at Wolfe for hiding his own wife's messages to him, and coursing him to miss so much of his only child's life.

Rex: "we have a daughter Wolfe!!! My Jaig, my baby girl doesn't even know who I am because of you!!!"

Wolfe:(was shocked and full of regret when hearing this) "I.. I.. Didn't know... Rex I'm sorry, I didnt know"

Ezra:(recordnises the name) "wait Jaig? you meen our Jaig, Jaigs your daughter?"

Rex: "wait what?"

At this point they hear a shrill scream coming from down in front of the AT-TE. It was Jaig, she was being attact by the prob droid that had been sent by the empire.

The clones immediately go into action. Rex is handed a rifle and gets ready to shoot the prob as it backs his daughter into the ground. His ames and shoots true, killing the droid with one foul shot and then quickly dashes down to retrieve his daughter from under the sparking remains of the droid.

Jaig is in hysterics at this point. Having been taken by surprise by the droid along with the emotional turmoil of potentially losing her father all over again. She then resigned herself to just sit there and cry over how foolish she was for even seeing the attack coming. But now she was being held in the familiar strong arms of her father as he held his only child for the first time in over 8 years.

Rex: "I'm here sh shh, I'm here Ik'aad senaar (baby bird, a nickname he gave her as an infant) daddy's here, daddy's got you"

He says carefully stocking her familiar dark brown hair (that was now flowing free as her scarf had fallen loosely around her shoulders, revealing her beautiful face to her father who's eyes were now brimming with unshed tears) to calm her down as he picking her up and takes her back to the AT-TE. Where the others are waiting with bated breaths. Wolfe was holding a blanket out to wrap his shacking niece into and Gregor quickly dashing off to get her a hot chocolate hoping to make her feel better.

Jaig: "I was angry. Upset. You said you weren't coming home and, then everyone felt so angry and scared all at once. It was to much. (sighs) I have a hard time controling the force when I get overwhelmed like that. I couldn't even sence the prob. I'm. I'm sorry"

She exsplans after she sits down and has a few sips of the hot chocolate that had been placed in her hands. Accompanied a number of comforting back rubs from both her father and her uncles.

Wolfe apologies to her. Explains that he's the reason her father had been out of her life for so long. That he was just trying to protect his brothers but ended up hurting his other family because of it. And tells her he understands if she hates him.

Jaig: "your Wolfe aren't you? Uncle Wolfe? Mum (she has a slight clone like accent that they haven't noticed before) told me about you, said you worked with Grandpa Plo"

Wolfe: 😳"Grandpa Plo? 😂 Boy he would have loved to have herd you say that"

He said, both of them smile at each other, Jaig having forgiven her uncle for his laps in judgment.

All seemed well again until the empire calls them back to get the clones to hand over the rebels. The clones now fueled by the new found need to keep their new family out of harms way, tells the empire where they can stick it, and quickly try to usher the ghost crew along with Jaig into the phantom so they can escape While they all get ready to fight.

Jaig: "but I just found you, mum told me to bring you home, I can't leave you behind, da.. Please don't go"

She says clutching at his shirt as he huged her tight before holding her out to face him,

Rex:"no one's abandoning anyone. Jaig look at me (tilting her head to look. Into her eyes, eyes that matched her father's) we're soldiers Ik'aad senaar, this is what we were born to do, but this time we have something to fight for.. Its going to be OK, (presses his forehead against hers) I love you my Jaig eyes, I've loved you from the I first held you. Ha you were so tiny. I didn't want to let you go back then and I don't want to do it again now, but like last time it's something I have to do, to keep you safe, my Ik'aad senaar, (kissed her forhead lovingly) tell your mother I'm sorry I couldn't make it home, and... And I love her ok."

He says before sending her back into the phantom, closing the door behind her before she can stop him.

Things then pan out like it does in the show, the phantom goes back to help the clones take down the walkers and Rex then decides he's not gonna spend any more of time away from Ahsoka and Jaig and choses to return with them and join the rebellion.

The reauion between Rex and Ahsoka continues the same, but insted of just a hug Ahsoka goes in for the kiss (how it should have always been in my opinion).

(this art work was done by @nottonyharrison (please note: this image was used with the permission of the artist,) please go check them out, as you can see their art work is stunning)

They spend most of there time with the ghost crew, Ahsoka makes the Ghost her base to return to after missions, and Rex teaching combat and war strategies to both Ezra and Jaig, but mostly to Ezra, Jaig was; in his opinion still to young to get to deep into the oncoming war.

Rex:"let her be a kid for a little longer at least".

Jaig and Ezra had eventually become good friends, Jaig looking up to him as something of an older brother, following him every where he went like a little shadow. At first Ezra was annoyed, and try to get away from her at every turn. But after a while he found he quite like having someone look up to him for a change. As before her, he had been dubed the baby of the group with the most to learn. But now he had Jaig hanging on his evey word like it was gold. He found he enjoyed the new found responsibility.

Unfortunately with her shadowing Ezra so much. This meant she got into all kinds of trouble with him. Trouble that mostly involved them running down the corridor with an angry Zeb chasing after them. Zeb really didn't seem to like Jaig very much. Said it was like having two Ezras, and one was quite enough. However other trouble also included a short but terrible trip to malachor, where after being told she can't come along she choses to stow herself away on the phantom in the small rashon hold built into the floor, shielding her mind from her mother as they flow through space.

Ahsoka: (on a call to Rex) "well I definitely out rank you😉... 😟How Jaig doing?"

Rex: "welp she's not happy, she gone and hidden herself in one of thoughs little critter caves again, I'm making her favorite tonight so I know she'll show up by dinner time, but all the same😔..."

Ahsoka: "hay don't take it to heart Rex, you and I both know this is how she deals with being left behind for anything, she finds a small place to hide and sulk it out, just be ready with a plate of nuna and a hug and she bounces right back😄🙁 when she comes out tell her I love her, and I'll be home soon"

Rex: "I will🙂😟... May the force be with you" they hang up.

It's Ezra who ends up finding her, just after they land. Pointing her out to a stressed out Kanan and a very cross Ahsoka,

Ezra: "ummm guys, I think we have a stowaway",

Jaig: "before you get mad..... consider being proud of me, I stayed still for hours in there AND I shielded my mind the whole time, so you non of you even knew I was there"

Ahsoka: "DON'T push it young lady😠what were you thinking!! Your fathers gonna be worried sick!!!! 😤😔 welp since there's no turning back now, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get you back home and thoroughly grounded for a year"

The rest again plays out the same, they find Maul, Maul blinds Kanan, they get the sith holocromb but lose Ahsoka in the fight with Vader, though after seeing Jaig who looks so much like the little snippy girl from his old life, the Anakin in Vader hasitates to kill ahsoka and her child, and insted trys to convince the unwavering togruta to join him with her daughter.

Vader:"the galaxy shall never be safe for her Ahsoka, join me and I can protect her from the emperor. Join me and we can over throw him... Together"

Ahsoka: "how can I trust anything you say. If you were truly Anakin then how can you protect my daughter when you can't even protect yourself"

Jaig: "MUM!!!! MUUUMMMM!!!"

Ahsoka looks at her daughter running to her as the walls of the sith temple come down,

Ahsoka :"I'm sorry Jaig"

She say quietly as she force pushes he child into Ezra outside the temple as it fall around her and Vader out of the site of her family.

When all is quiet and Vader emerges from the rubble, after failing to find his former apprentice, the Anakin in him vows that he will not fail her child, he will do everything in his power to insure his master never find her, even if he has to hide her away himself to do it.

When Kanan, Ezra and Jaig return to base, Rex is in hysterics asking around.

Rex:"have you seen Jaig? Has anyone seen my baby?, its been over two days.. I can't find her..!!."

Jaig:"DADDY!!! 😭"

Rex turns to see her running out of a newly landed phantom in tears. Now knowing exactly where she'd been he quickly runs to her and scoops her up in his arm clucking her close to his chest in relief that she was home.

Rex:"you.. Are going to be the death of me, hey sh shshsh hey, hey what's the tears? what happen? where's your..? ."

(a father's comfort, ruff drawing by madmiriam (me)

He couldn't finish the sentence as he looked around and sure two other people emerging from a now empty ship, neither one of them was his wife. Ezra looked him in the eyes and with out saying a word, he knew. He knew Ahsoka, his Ahsoka was gone. He closed his eyes, sheding one silent tear as he held his girl tighter, and slowly carried her away, away from the crowd, but not away from the heartache.

After the loss of her mother, Jaig's once bubblie personality had diminishes somewhat. She refuses to leave the side of eather her father or the members of the ghost crew. She goes on a few missions with them and liston to every word her father says about ways of fighting, fighting to protect herself and the people she loves. Before heading to a mission on geonosis he gives he one of his old DCs. (its twin had been lost in battle during the clone wars and he had gotten a replacement pear, but he had always kept his first well maintained in case he ever needed it)

Rex: "I know it's no lightsaber, but if will keep you and the others safe when used properly"

Jaig: "I don't want a lightsaber any more, 😔sabers get you killed"

Rex: " not all of them Ik'aad senaar" he sighs kissing her forehead "not all of them".

But even this would not last. When it came time for the empire to attack chopper base. Vader sends his own secret troops of undercover purge troopers to find and retrieve Jaig, and to also fake her death so both the empire and the rebels would not come looking for her. This of corse left Rex in his lowest point yet. After watching the ship he had put his daughter on to be evacuated blow up before it even left the ground. He found it hard to not simply drop all his defences and just calming walk into the flames after her. If it hadn't been for Zeb he probably would have. These kind of thoughts invaded his mind so frequently after that day, it was hard to remember when they didn't. He had lost both his wife and now his child. His hope and his reason for fighting were gone, and he wanted to go after them. But he couldn't. Not while there were still people to fight out there, the people who took everything for him and was still grabbing for more. People who his wife started this whole rebellion to fight against. No, he would keep fighting, as long as there is still even one imperial still left alive he would live and fight, until every last one of then were wiped out of existence. (that's gonna take a while)

Meanwhile Vader and Jaig finally meet properly face to mask. Jaig is having a hard time counselling her fear. But Vader was also having difficulty concealing his pain. Pain that had lingered since the moment he had emerged from that crumbled down sith temple, with no sign in the force or otherwise of his once padawan,. The last family he thought he had, that had not betrayed him, who had(once she had seen his face underneath his freshly cracked mask) said she wouldn't leave him, not again. But she had left him, not by her own design he knew, but she had left him all the same. And she had also left a child behind, a child like the one Padme would have given him if it weren't for both the sith and the jedi.

The jedi, who had forced his hand in turning to the dark side, by telling him he should just let Padme die for the good of the galaxy. The jedi who had abandoned his padawan, his little sister, his first child (if he could go so far as to say) in her time of need, and then exsept her to come back all smiles, acting as though her whole ordel was just a trial to prove herself to them. When it was them who should be providing themselves to her.

And the sith,. The sith who had manipulated him from day one to become what he is now, the sith who had taken every thing he had, his wife, his child, his brother/father figer, his little sister/daughter and his friends. The clones. His home all gone for the sake of his masters new empire😡. Yes he new this had been his master's plan all along, the war the clones, the inhibitor chips. All to gane more and more power for himself and to distroy the jedi in his wake. Dragging Anakin down into the darkness with him, and he would do the same thing to Jaig given the chance. Vader could feel the raw power of the force rolling of her, the energy mix with her fear would be a prime canderdate for Sidious's manipulation, should he ever discover her existence.

No!!! That would not happen, neither the sith or the jedi would have her, he would not alow it.

Jaig:"I know who you are.. I know what you did... You tryed to turn my mother before killing her, but you wouldn't turn me, you hear me, I.. Will.. Not... Turn"

She says her voice shacking with her body in fear.

Vader:"no... You will not..."

Jaig: "then why am I here? I haven't done anything to make you hate me.... At least... I don't think I have"

Vader:"I do not hate you Jaig, like your mother, much to my masters great..... disappointment... I could never hate you"

It was true. He couldn't hate her. Couldn't bring himself to hate her. But he couldn't love her either. He had no more love left in him to give. But he could protector for the sake of someone he had loved.

Jaig: confused "then.. Then please let me go, I won't tell anyone if that's what your worried about, I just want to go home, I want my dad, please I just want my daddy😰"

Vader: "you father's fate is.... Regrettable. However it is a necessary evil, it is emperative that he believes you to be dead"

Jaig: "why what did he do to you? what did any of my parents ever do to you?!"

Vader: "as shocking as it may sound, these actions are not done out of hate. You will know this soon enough but for now, I must focus on getting you as far away and as hidden as possible" he then calls in a trouper with red and black armor.

Vader: "CC-2224 I trust your men are ready"

Cody: "ready and awaiting orders.. Sir"

Cody says through gritted teeth not bearing to even look at his once general's masked face.

Vader:"good, I trust the surgery was a success for all of them?"

Cody: "yes.. Sir.. Though we are all having adjustment issues due to recent ... and.... less recent events"

Vader: "thoughs... issues.... had better not interfere with the performance of your mission commander, you and your men have been chosen for one reason and one reason only, and it is for your loyalty to her safety. I can feel your hatred for me commander Cody (Cody inhails sharply at the sound of his name) but I also know enough about you and your brother's to know that they will not let this anger get in the way. I trust you all know the consequences that await you should you fail"

He ignites his blood red saber to put more emphasis on his point.

Cody:"yes sir"

Vader:"very well, now take her and go, and protect her with your life, I shall make my own way back to base as some as I can, her training with began immediately after my return, so be sure to proper her, but until then you already know what to do".

Cody noded before walking over to Jaig, then bent down and gently but fermly lifts her out of her seat, and quickly carry her out of the cell, down the hall and, through the, docking Station towards a unmarked referbished gunship.

Jaig: "where are we going? "

She said with a soft whimper. She was relieved to be away from Vader but still felt apprehensive with the idea of being taken away yet again in the arms of this.. Purge trooper, at lest she thinks it's a purge trooper, she had never seen one before so she could only guess.

Cody: "sh sh it's gonna be OK little one, I'm taking you some were safe, but we have to hurry now"

Jaig:"why?"

Cody: "no one on this ship other than Vader knows we're here and we have to keep it that way kid"

Jaig:"why would you need to hide from your own men"

Cody:"cuz you never know whos watching, I'll explain more when we get off this ship and into hyperspace"

Once they were on board the gun ship, that had been modified to acomidate long period space travel. The modifications included everything from comfortable seating to a working hyperdrive. Cody set her down in one of the seats and strapped her fermly in before heading to the cockpit, leaving her now surrounded by four more purge troopers (hardcase, fives, dogma and waxer, who I'm gonna say lived, cuz I have attachment issues, boil is in the cockpit piloting the ship) who are all looking at her intensely through their helmets. (hardcase and fives are in borrowed discises, after Fives finds out about the chips he and hardcase desert the army and decide to strike out on their own to try and find out more about the chips and their perpose, unfortunately they were too late to do anything about it before oder 66 happened. They have been on the run ever since, until Vader aproches them, informing them that he has been keeping tabs on them, and had been insuring the empire believes them both to be dead, and tells them of the mission, they agree to help because it's Rex and ahsoka's daughter they'll be protecting, but only under the condition the they only report to a de-chipped Cody and all other clones included in the mission must also be de-chipped as well. Vader had agreed to this as he was going to have their chips all removed anyway, to prevent any itchy trigger fingers being near his new force sensative)

Once they're in hyperspace Cody returns to the main area of the gun ship, where the other clones are crowed around a frightened looking Jaig

Waxer: "is this her? Wow she looks so much like her mum"

Fives: "she has our eyes though, our wonderfully handsome eyes"

hardcase: "and out hair, Ha!! I knew Rex's hair wasn't naturally blonde😂"

Dogma:" technically Hardcase, her hair being brown isn't proof that his is to, she could have just gotten the hereditary Jango gen of dark hair"

Fives:"aww suck the fun out of it why don't you"

Cody: "guys back up, give her some space, your freaking her out, and take off your buckets, I don't think they're helping"

When their buckets were removed Jaig was shocked to see five versions of her father's face looking down at her, all old and a little worse for where's, but all very much clone. She recordnises three of them from her father's holopad.

Jaig: "Fives?"

Fives:😃 "yeah! Yeah kid, that's me your☝️ Uncle Fives (he kneals down taking her hand in his, giving it a quick squeeze, before turning to Cody) she recordnised me first that must kill you😁"

Cody: 😠 "only cus you have a, dirty great 5 on your forehead You Di'kut"

He said before knealing down in front of her

Cody:"hey kid, sorry I couldn't introduce myself earlier, I'm your.."

Jaig:"Uncle Cody"

Cody:😁 "yeah kid (to Fives) SEE!! over there are your uncles Dogma, Waxer, Hardcase and back there in the cockpit is your uncle Boil, I know your probably not used to this many of us, but there's more we're we came from where we're going, though they live un a different fasilaty to ours, but every single one of them would be whiling to keep you safe if they knew. So you don't have to worry, we're not gonna let anything happen to you"

Jaig "but Vader.."

Cody: (places both hand at the side of her head and looks her dead in the eyes) "isn't going to TUCH you, not if we have anything to say about its, he may be our sponser, and he will be coming round every so often to check on you and train you. But you'll have several hundred or so uncles on the planet ready and waiting with fully loaded blasters should he ever try to hurt you, us 6 especially as we're the only clones there that know about you yet and we're gonna be living under the same roof, as you and one of us will always be close by to help you. OK kid, it's all gonna be ok (he says hugging her) your safe now"

Jaig: "but I don't want to be trained by Vader, I said I wouldn't turn and I meant it"

Cody: "it's alright, its alright. The one thing Vader has assured us of, is it he will not be training you in the dark side. And judging by the amount of effort he's putting into keeping you hidden, I'm inclined to believe him. He told us that you must block your self off from the force, what ever that means. Which is what he's going to show you how to do. Apparently it's the only way to keep the emperor off your scent. But like I said, one of us is always gonna be there should he try anything"

Fives:"yeah we'll look out for you kid, I know you miss your dad, and we're pretty poor substitutes, but we're here for you all the same"

Hardcase:"and we're not leaving anytime soon"

Dogma: "well not if we can help it"

Jaig "but where are we going?"

Cody: smile "to the closest thing we clones have to a home... Kamino"

Kamino had changed over the years, once the emperor had ordered to stop to any more clones creation. The cloning fasilaties had been abandoned by the kaminoans, along with all the rest of the untrained cadets who were all shipped of to the mustafa system to be trained and bred as the empires elite force of purge troopers.

The cloning facilities were left to the old now retired clones, to live out their days away from civilisation, many now wolowing in sadness and regret for their actions under the influence of their now un activated inhibitor chips.

The place Jaig and her other uncles were heading, was just a few hundred miles of from the main cloning compound. It had been kitted out with everything they might need, weaponry, shields, a food station, bedrooms, a bunkhouse, a training ground, and a shooting range. The only beings abord were now the clones, Jaig, the cook and the maintenance crew, well I say crew, it consisted of one male Ugnaught named Kuiil and three droid assistants whom he had reprogrammed to help with any and all clean up and maintenance duties.

Jaig would continue to live out there with her uncles for the next 5 years. They would go on to train her with any and all things clone, weaponry, though she had learnt a lot of that from her father's teachings, and the language and teachings of the mandalorian. The boys were insistent that she learn all of what little they knew of their heritage, as they were all descended from Jango, who was of mandolor. Any clone would tell you how proud the clones were of this heritage, and now they had someone to pass it all down to. They even taught Jaig the mandalorian wars songs that they had all learnt as cadets, and the Clone Haka, that had been performed by many clone troops over the years, before battle,. Much to the confusion and quite frankly terror of the B1 battle droids who witnessed them.

Fives: "ha your mum was pritty good at this to"

Jaig: now 12" my mum knew the Haka? "

She said, trying to picture her calm and serene togrutan mother, chanting, stomping and banging her chest along side millions of clones Warriors, all while making different faces and throatle sounds at the droids on the other side of the battlefield.

Hardcase: "oh yeah!! She was a natural, always shouting the chant in her loudest voice and making her scariest war face, like this 🤪😜🤪"

Fives: "and that my dear Jaig, was when your father fell in love🥰"

Vader came over as often as he could spare, when he was sure he couldn't be directed be his master or that anyone following him. Teaching Jaig how to disconnect herself from the force, telling her that if she continues to use it, the consequences would be severe.

Vader:"if the employer was ever to discover you exsisens, he would hunt you down in an instant, and kill anyone who trys to hide you from him. This is why you must never use the force again, and you must never leave. If anyone outside this fasilaty were to learn of your existence, you would be in mortal danger, as would everyone you care about"

Jaig: "but why couldn't my dad come? You could have had both our deaths faked and brought him here with me"

Vader: sighed "he is to mixed up with the rebel alliance, and besides, it was his reaction that sold your death to the universe. A trick I learned from my old master...the hard way"

He said bitterly.

Jaig knew she should hate him, he had taken her from her home, her friends and family. He had taken her mother, and it was because of his foolish decision to trust, a maniac, power hungy, sith Lord, that her family were forced to live in the shadows, and her mother, and father were force into separation when she was just an infant. She didn't like him by any means, she frequently tryed to avoid his at any turn. But she still couldn't feel hatred for him.

Cody: "na that your mother in you, she was never one to hold much of a grudge ether. She got angry at people don't get me wrong but she never hated them. She cryed over the potential execution of a woman who had Framed her for Murder once. And had taken the time to give all her deceased troops, who had tryed to gun her down a funeral. Even though she and your father where now on the run from the empire"

Over the years living there, she became closer with her uncles, or at least most of them. She argued with Boil on an almost daily basis, but they had their moments, she told him and Waxer how she met Numa, who was still fighting for the freedom of her home. She had a difficult time connecting with Dogma. He was very distance from her and didn't talk much. However she did like listening to him read. Dogma who had been a stiff by the book solder his entire life, and had been through so much, found he secretly quite enjoyed the company of his niece. But she spent most of her training with Fives and Hardcase. Both clones always new how to make her smile and told her many stories of her parents during the war, stories not even her parents had told her, (though they never much liked talking about the war), and she had given them a new lease of life, and new perpose. She was probably closest with Cody, he had know her father since they were both cadets, and was determined to teach her everything he knew, but he also showed his softer side with her. There were many a time he would be seen walking down the corridor carrying the young girl who was really getting a bit to big to be held, in his arms fast asleep from a long day.

She had also become quite good friends with Kuiil the maintenance manger, she learnt that he was paying off his debt to the empire through prolonged servitude, he had been in many battles he didn't believe in, until Vader; after seeing his reprogramming skills had, offered him a place on this secret compound. Kuiil had also taken quite a shine to Jaig, she was kind, and eager to learn the inner workings of the machines he fixed.

But yet again, even this would not last. After the destruction of the First Death Star, Lord Sidious had been furious with Vader, he tortured and demoted him. But through his touture he discovered the existence of the child Vader had taken such lengths to keep hidden from him. And through this new information, he devised a plan.

To brake his apprentices even ferther, he would force him to chose, chose between the life of his padawans child, who he had swarn to protect, and the life of his son, that he did not yet know about. But unfortunately for the emperor, he did not bargain for the tactical brilliance of the Clones.

When the empire, came to take the now 15 year old girl, they had already divested their own escape plan. They sent Jaig along with Kuill over to the kaminoan cloning facilities, turned clone retirement home, before the empire even entered the atmosphere. There she was frozen in to carbonite and fastened to the inside of the newly alcoved underbelly of a small one-seater Y wing (to insure the if the empire should come across them she would be well hidden and undetected, Kuiils cover story being that he was delivering supplies to the clones) there Kuiil would then fly far away from any siverlized planet. While, the clones continued to fight and defend the compound as though she was still there, and then proceed to escape themselves, using an old subship left over from the battle of Kamino. But not before bowing the place sky high, making it seem like the empires had fired at the fewl tanks corsing the whole building to be destroyed along with anyone who was inside.

This was not the out come Sidious had wished for, however with the now almost certain death of his ward, Vader plunged ever ferther into the void of darkness and hate. So the desired effect Sideous was planning for was reached anyway.

After being unfrozen from carbonite, Jaig and Kuiil parted ways. She chose to for her father, but it became fruitless. Chopper base had long since been evacuated and the rebel alliance was always one step ahead of her in their attempts to avoid the empire. For 2 years she searched for them, and fought the Empire where she could, until she finally stopped, delving into the belief that what ever family she knew was now gone, she rejoined Kuiil on a deserted planet called Arvala-7, while the galaxy celebrated the fall of the empire. Where for the next 5 years they would both try to live out their lives in peace, working the land and carrying for blurgs, until a mandolorian arrives on their planet, looking for a little green bounty, which starts of a whole new adventure for our now Adult Jaig.

OK guys let me know how I did, and if you would like to see Jaig's adventures with Din Djarin and little green bean Grogu. Let me know. I'm not much of a writer,. But I always got so irratated when reading Din Djarin/oc fics where to make her interesting, they give the oc force powers, with either no build up to it, or she's a run away jedi, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of season 2 were they're trying to find the jedi, so I thought I'd write my own. I wanted to have a character that has both a clear connection to both the mandalorian culture and the force, without making her a mary su. She has a connection to the force. But she can't use it, or control it. Therefore she can't train Grogu to use it. Which would mean they'd have to find the jedi, to help him learn to control his powers. Plus I don't want to just giving her everything with no preplanned reason. So here is my preplanned reason. I know these short scenes and conversations don't really delve much into her personality but that's were you come in. Tell me what you think of her, and what you think she's like as an adult. I wrote a few things like her kind nature and her sarcastic humour. But I could do with some ideas on what you would like to see. Let me know, and...

May the 4th be with you,😉

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Trying the best to survive': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Trying the best to survive"

"I'm just trying my best to survive, not to work with the KGB and Perseus!"

Chapter Summary: Yirina had a mental breakdown in the restroom of Century House and Park was there to comfort her but now, she only wants to rest...exhausted...and still feeling sad...

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3000

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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July 5th, it's been three days now that I've been facing a mental breakdown, and...it was still here with me, giving me the worst nights I could live, filled with nightmares and dreams about living that scene on that cliffside, each time was different but everyone was finishing in the same way: Adler able to shoot me 3 bullets at the same place, taunting me about my choices & Park before walking away, leaving me to die and the only thing that was getting me out of those nightmares was my cries and Park's comfort.

And that, it was for me, impossible to have a normal night and my days were no longer the same. Because of it, the first day after that incident, I wasn't able to go back to work, I was scared, panicked at the idea of going to Century House in public...passing through the front door of the apartment was a fight inside of me and each time, I couldn't step outside, forcing me to stay here for the day, leaving Park, Zasha & Portnova to go work without me, I wanted to be with them, with Park but I was scared...I was never scared before like that in my life...

When I opened my eyes that morning on the bed, my body covered by the white blankets, I could see Park, already dressing up on her side of the bed, putting on a new white shirt, buttoning it. I slowly moved to get my hands around her waist to say hello...

"Hey..." I whispered, managing to do what I wanted to do before landing a little kiss on the back of her shoulder.

"Yiri..." She said in a low voice, putting her hands on top of my arms, slowly turning her head around to see a little grin on it. "Are you okay?" She asked me.

"No, I'm...not feeling great," I replied sincerely to her, sitting on the bed behind her, putting my head against her back. "I'm trying to stop them but I can't," I said, referring to my nightmares.

"I know," She snorted, quickly passing her left hand below her eyes, seeing me like was also breaking her. "Zasha, Portnova & me, we're here to help," She reminded me in a good voice.

"Yes but...I'm just trying...but I can't...I can't..." I repeated before the usual tears were coming back on my eyes, causing me to get away from Park to lay down back on my spot on the bed. "I'm struggling but each time, he's winning," I told her.

"Adler?" I nodded to her, her voice breaking at saying that name.

"It's always me & him, that cliffside, not able to defend myself but only with my fists but each time, he shot me 3 times and he left me to die," I clarified even if she was knowing about it a little with Zasha & Portnova but she was the one to know more, it was obliged. "I tried to fight but it's always useless, I can't win..."

"I know that you can win, you can't give up like that," She stated, turning around to look at me, her shirt half-buttoned, her pants waiting to zip on. "Everyone knows that you aren't that type, you never give up,"

"How you can be so sure about something like that?" I demanded to her, looking at the ceiling, my hands near my face. "I've maybe escaped hell with you but the real hell is what I'm living," I added.

"You...I know that because you came back to me, you said it yourself," She responded seriously, causing me to slowly move my head towards her. "You said that you wanted to see me after all these years, nothing couldn't stand in your way," She continued, looking down at her shirt to continue to button it. "When you saved my life on that plane in West-Berlin, you didn't give up,"

"I didn't give up..." I muttered, trying to say it to myself.

"You never give up to protect me and I never give up to protect you, Zasha & Portnova," She affirmed, wanting to reach one of my hands near my face. "Listen, you're the one I love and I know that I'm putting my life on you, I will die only to protect you,"

"No...don't say that...don't say that..." I stopped her, putting my hands around my ears as I couldn't stand to hear her about dying. "Don't say that, please, I don't want you to die," I pleaded, my breath going a bit faster.

"And me neither, no one wants you to die," She told me back, moving on the bed to approach me, still sit. "No one wants that, you're precious to a lot of people...to me." She admitted as she opened her lap to let me put my head on it.

"I was precious to a lot of people, good or bad...some were using me as an intels mine, some wanted to get me back by force...and some were truly caring about me," I corrected her only in a small part, having been used as 'Bell', wanting to have the 'old Yirina' back. "Are you caring about me?"

"Yes, I do...3000," She replied immediately, using one of the old things I liked to say before until I stopped using it. "I only want you to be happy, to live a good life...with me," She confessed, looking at me in my blue eyes as she starts to pull her right hand through my hair. "You don't deserve any of this pain, Perseus, Adler, the CIA does deserve that," She added.

"Why it has to be me?" I asked but that question was like to myself, my hands alongside my body as Park's hands were on me, holding me on her lap and caressing me on the cheeks. "Why didn't I talk when the CIA got me? Why?"

"I don't know, Yirina, I don't know," She answered, fully honest in her voice as she was also in the void with me to know why I didn't speak when Adler captured me on that airfield. "Since that Adler has erased everything in terms of files and that Perseus got his hands on what the CIA couldn't destroy, it's from either Adler or Perseus the answer will come." She suggested.

"He will never talk and them, they will never talk too," I hinted, feeling inside of me the pain of not knowing that detail that changed everything. "The only answer I can have is in my head, hidden through an inaccessible red door," I said, tapping myself with my right index finger on the side of the head.

"The red doors..." Park whispered in a low voice. "It's like the only thing separating you to relive your memories?" I nodded to her suggestion.

"Yes, each night, when I'm reliving a memory, it's like opening a red door...like if I was in the triggering memories," I explained to her, her left hand going to caress my cheeks slowly, my hands wanting to touch her arms delicately. "It's always random, finding myself in a good or bad memory, the latter becoming too...much for me."

"Yes, I saw that...memory when you talked to Freya about having children, it was looking like something important to you at that time," She enunciated, having read my diary the next day after I wrote about it. "Do you...like...having this idea again?"

"Uhm...I...I don't know, seeing myself to take care of a child...it's complicated," I snorted as she was moving her hands to clean up the tears that were falling on my cheeks. "I was thinking normally at that time, wanting to have a simple life but now, I can't...I just can't..." I then started to cry again, covering my face in shame.

"It's okay, I'm here," Park moved closer to me, getting her forehead against mine and putting her arms around my shoulders to comfort me. "You don't deserve, you don't deserve this," She repeated in a low voice to me before she leaned to kiss me on the lips.

I was seeing her own eyes cry during the kiss along with me, causing me to kiss her back, putting my both hands on her cheeks to reinforce the kiss, slowly redressing myself on the bed and it was seeming like both of us wouldn't want to broke out of the kiss but unfortunately, it was almost the time for her to go to Century House along with Zasha & Portnova, having to leave me alone here for the day until the evening.

As I predicted and feared, we had no choice but to broke out the kiss we were doing at the same time, causing her to move away back to her spot where she was going to continue to dress up while I was lying down back on the bed, my tears not wanting to disappear off my face, looking at Park, finishing to get dressed to leave for work.

"It broke my heart to not have you to work with but as we know, you should stay here," Park spoke up, checking herself in the mirror before looking at me through it. "I'll try to come back early today for you,"

"I hope so," I said as she walked towards me, a little smile on her face. "I'm so sorry, Park," I apologized.

"Don't worry, it's not your fault," She reassured me, taking in her hands my left one, her eyes wanting to cry again but she was looking to resist. "I'll be back soon, don't worry," She added, moving to kiss me on the forehead.

"I want to not worry but I can't..." I muttered, my voice breaking again to her.

"Don't worry, just don't worry, we're here," She insisted, leaning again to put her lips on top of mine for a few seconds, closing her eyes before going back up. "Have some rest, Yiri...I'll be coming back for you," She then walked to the brown door of the room, hesitating to let me here alone, seeing the pain on her face until she resigned herself to open the door and stepping out of the room, closing the door behind her.

It was breaking her to do that but she couldn't really struggle with that fact, she couldn't stay with me and I couldn't go with her to that state to work. It's been 3 days that it was the same situation every morning and we got to get along with it until it was better to actually come back to work and it will surely take time. Now, I was staying in the apartment, alone, taking care of Beans.

10 minutes after Park was gone with Zasha & Portnova, I managed to find the courage in me to get up from bed, to finally have some breakfast, and giving some food to Beans. Eating alone was a big pain to me as I was trying to imagine that Park, Zed & Portnova were here with me, talking with me of everything and nothing, not related to work, forcing myself to talk as if they were there...it was to keep me distracted...just that.

My day was to spend it on the couch, trying either to watch the TV with Beans wanting to sit on my lap while I'm literally laid down on the couch but today, there was practically nothing interesting on the TV and even with that, I was still looking at it as it was still something to do in my days, along with patting Beans, sleeping either on the backrest of the couch or on my lap, still looking happy and sounding nice in her meows.

It was after eating at noon that I was laid down on the couch again, and like usual each day since my breakdown, it was time for me to actually take a rest but this time, I decided that to take a nap in the bedroom, something I wanted to do and better...I just needed that, so I got up from the couch, leaving Beans the control of it before heading to the bedroom to install myself on my spot again, putting the blankets on top of me...and now, trying to sleep...

Opening my eyes again and I was finding myself in front of a mirror, the mirror of the bathroom of my old apartment in Moscow and by looking at myself, I wasn't very presentable to the public and my face was like a part of it: the first thing I could see was my nose bleeding, only coming out of the right hole and I wasn't like willing to stop it by myself, I couldn't know why but I wasn't treating it.

My left eye...was black, looking recent to me by the shape & state of my eye and a sigh came out of my mouth while my focus was on it before I looked down at my torso, wrapped around bandages, brand new as there were unused bandages on the sink in front of me, along with some meds and with that around my torso and my face, I couldn't go in public like that, it was out of the question.

Without any hesitation & treating my nose, I decided to put a grey shirt that was put aside near the sink on a towel rack before deciding to go out of the bathroom, to clean up something around before suddenly, we knocked at the front door of the apartment, causing me to walk to open the door.

"Hey, Yiri, it's..." It was Freya in front of me, sounding enthusiastic for the first seconds before she saw me in that state. "My God, what happened?" She asked worriedly

"Enter, I'll explain," I ordered simply, opening the door wide open to let her enter my apartment before closing the door behind her, seeing her standing in the middle of the living room.

"Tell me, who did this?" She directly demanded, not letting me start after I locked the door behind her.

"It was this asshole, Arash Kadivar," I replied to her, sitting down on the main couch of the room. "I was forced to attend a meeting with Perseus with some of the lieutenants including Kadivar," I added to her as she was instantly going into the bathroom, seemingly wanting to treat me.

"You didn't defend yourself?" She questioned me, raising her voice as she was in the bathroom, a few meters from her.

"I did but he took me by surprise before the meeting." I clarified myself, wanting to put my hands below my nose, but the blood avoided doing it. "I left earlier 30 minutes ago,"  I continued as she was already coming back in the room with some cotton for my nose and a tissue.

"But why didn't you treat yourself?" She obviously asked me, sitting down near me.

"I don't know to be honest," I responded to her honestly, taking the tissue in her hands to clean up below my nose, removing any traces of blood. "I could have done it but I didn't," I told her, raising my head a bit to make her job easy.

"And as you maybe hope, your Freya is here to treat you like she always did," She scoffed, a little grin on her face despite she was enraged and shocked to see me like that. "Did Perseus acted?" I shook my head to her.

"He didn't arrive in time, I was waiting for him until Arash came by and struck me, making me this..." I pointed out to my black eye, only time could treat it well. "And make my nose bleed," I finished.

"Shit, that guy is really an asshole," Freya commented, taking some cotton and gesturing at me to get my head up. "Was it about what happened in Afghanistan?" I nodded to her.

"He was still mad about it but as you said, he's an asshole," I told her, trying to remember what it could be. "Frankly, who the fuck wants to burn down a village just because someone looks at you weirdly?" I sighed.

"Well, him, it seems but you got lucky that I was here," She implied, forming a little piece of cotton before inserting it inside the hole the blood was coming out, blocking it. "It was you against him and his entire group,"

"Hopefully, you were there with the soviet soldiers," I reminded her, knowing that she was now not alone in having helped me. "Thank you again,"

"It was nothing, we don't harm the innocents with me," She proclaimed but there was something telling me that what she said was not real.

"Really?" I crossed my arms to her, raising an eyebrow at her too. "Do you think I'm going to buy this with you after what you did?" I asked her in a serious tone.

"Oh my god, are we going to start that argument again?" She asked me back, rolling her brown eyes around.

"Yes, we're maybe going too,"  I exclaimed to her, going up from the couch in anger. "Even if I've been forgiving you, I still got that image of you pulling that gun to kill the man even if I was having my back turned," I continued, passing my hands below my nose. "You didn't have to do this and you know it well,"

"Hey, listen..."

"No, you're going to listen to me, now!" I cut her straight in her words, raising my finger towards her. "I have enough of a lot of things, I've been having doubt about myself and this work is slowly breaking me apart," I started, giving my whole thoughts to her, still sit on the couch. "Right now, it feels like I'm only trying the best to survive, not to work every day my ass to the KGB and Perseus," I added in anger.

"Yirina..." Freya stopped herself, only saying my name but I shook my head.

"Things are changing too much for me and the more I'm living, the more my life is giving so many doubts about myself," I explained before I could feel tears on my face, her going up, apparently seeing it on me. "I'm scared...I'm panicked each day, I'm fucking scared!" I then started to cry in the middle of the room, Freya moving to hug me.

"No, don't cry," She advised me but I couldn't stop myself, my thoughts were bad...I was bad.

"I can't...I can't..." I muttered to her, my voice muffled by her torso and I was trying to get up but my body was like my thoughts: bad & broken...bad...broken...

"I'm just trying to survive for me & my friends...not for my work, me & my friends!"

[dumblydork]

Colourless

Two posts in one day? And the second way quite so long?? I've outdone myself :D

So everyone, here's some Hinny angst for you! I've never written angst so I know this is not one the best things I've written, but it would mean the world to me if you guys could tell me what I could have done better!

This was an idea I was playing around with sometime, because I wanted some Veritaserum action in a fic, and then Slytherin!Ginny was born :) This is the first time I've written a morally grey character, that too our Gryffindor Ginny. It's quite the contrast haha

Fair warning, there's deceit (think spiked drinks) which goes down in this fic. There's no other specific trigger warnings I can find, but if there's something you guys see, let me know and I'll edit it to show them.

All in all, I hope you're in mood for some angst. If there's anything you want to see written, please do not hesitate from messaging me, and I'll do my best to get it done!

Note- in this one shot, Ginny and Ron are not siblings. Essentially, Ginny is not a Weasley *cue the sacrilege*

-----

Ginny had had enough. The stares from across the room, like molten emeralds shining with loud, unspoken thoughts. The shy touches from when they passed in the hallways together, with their fingers brushing and nerves alighting into a bright golden flame. She had had enough. All this playing around, shying away was now getting to her. Her and Harry had been doing this for the past six months, which led to many almost kisses before he drew away with a slow smirk on his face, sharply contrasted to the apprehension evident in liquid jade eyes. Was she not being obvious enough? She always leant in, always held his stare and bit her lip in the most inviting manner she could think of. All in all, she was sure she was being the most obvious person on the face of the planet, then why did that apprehension not leave those magnificent eyes of his?

She was a 120% sure that Harry James Potter was arse over tit in love with her, and if that made her a narcissist, so be it then. She fully reciprocated these feelings by the way, and was currently sat in the empty common room, stewing over ideas of how to get the confession out.

Her potions textbook remained open in front of her from when she was doing her homework, the page open on the Draught of Living Death. Her incomplete essay lay limply to the side, having been forgotten in favour of more inviting scenarios involving a man with a lopsided grin and jade eyes. She was all alone in the room having stayed up to complete Potions essay due at lunch tomorrow. But given her current state, even a blind man could tell she was definitely NOT doing Potions.

As she let out a long sigh, a heavy wind blew through the open window, chilling Ginny back into reality. She rubbed her arms with her hands, cursing the dying fireplace. A simple Incendio could alight it again, but she was sat facing away from the fire and it would be too much work to get up and light the fireplace. Instead, she settled for tightly wrapping the moss green and silver scarf around her neck, and focusing back on the essay with a shake of her head.

“Draught of Living Death is often used,” She read slowly from where she had left the words incomplete, chewing the top of the quill. She looked into the textbook, but frowned when she realised the wind had blown the pages to another topic. With a sigh, she leant and grabbed the textbook from where it lay on the table, separated from Ginny by 13 inches of parchment. As she heaved the book onto the front, pushing her parchment away, her eyes fell on what Potion was headlined on the page.

“Veritaserum.” She mumbled, a finger on the edge of the page, paused in the motion of flipping it. She blinked once. Twice. And then her frown eased out as a slow grin made it’s way onto her face. She knew what to do.

----

Having gotten the idea was one thing, but actually brewing it was another. It took a complete 28 days to brew, and it was extremely difficult to get right. They hadn’t done this Potion yet since Ginny was still in sixth year, and Veritaserum was taught in theory to NEWT students only. But she had figured a way out as well- the seventh floor broom closet was the perfect place to brew it. It was unused and actually completely forgotten by students and Filch alike. Ginny had stumbled across the room a few days ago and had pushed it’s existence to the back of her mind. But here it was, as if made for this purpose and this purpose only.

So on the day of the new moon, she got started. Acquiring the ingredients was easy enough. Being a star Potions student, she had access to the Slug Club, where old Slughorn was so busy blowing his own trumpet that it was quite easy to weave him into a story about how Ginny needed the ingredients for ‘research’ and academic purposes only. It took a few tries, but right before she got started Ginny had procured all the ingredients. Whilst she was on the quest for ingredients, Ginny had gotten to reading the recipe over and over again, essentially imprinting it onto her neurons. By the time she was bringing the water to a boil inside the grey cauldron, she could recite the steps off by the heart. Yet her eyes remained focused on the book, as she mentally recited the steps. After water came in one vial of Ptolemy followed by stirring anti clockwise. She did it carefully and with so much precision that even Sluggy would be put to shame. By the time the first part of the recipe was finished, Ginny was very satisfied with the product as she poured the incomplete potion into a glass vial for maturation. It was the exact shade of grey as mentioned in the textbook, and Ginny was a happy woman as she went back to the Slytherin dormitory.

The second part of the recipe simply leaving the bottle to rest in a dark place, only bringing it out on the day of the full moon so that it could absorb the moonlight and reach the finished stage. By the time Ginny was done with this step, the potion looked how it was supposed to look as per the textbook. It was colourless and odourless. According to the book, this recipe made a Veritaserum which was potent for an hour and half, which was enough time to finally get the confession and FINALLY start dating him.

After the brewing, the next complex step was administering it to Harry, but that turned out to be the simplest mission of all- she slipped a few drops in as Harry was talking to Ron, and Ginny watched from the Slytherin table across as Harry happily sipped on the pumpkin juice. She had to corner him before anyone asked any questions to Harry and his sudden frankness made them suspicious. She waited for an opening- Harry was left alone for a few minutes in the hallway after breakfast, as Ron and ran up t the dorm to get his lost books, and Hermione went to the washroom in the meantime.

“Hey Harry, could I speak to you for just a second?” Ginny smiled, approaching him. Harry turned around and smiled back. “Of course you can.” He said, and Ginny walked towards a secluded corner, away from other students.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Harry asked.

“First, could you tell me if you possess a Deathly Hallow?”

Oh yes, she knew all about it. Whispers had been going around Slytherin that there was something passed down to Harry which was one of the famed Hallows- only ever found in fables. Harry’s eyes widened as he looked at Ginny. She stared back, wondering if her potion would work or not. This was not the best trial question, but asking about something obvious would be confounding. Pushing away the sudden heaviness in her stomach as she inhaled Harry’s troubled expression, she took an inaudible breath.

“The Invisibility Cloak is with me. It was my father’s.” He spoke with great difficulty, as his handsome features contorted into a frown. It was clear that he was trying to suppress this fact, but looks like the Veritaserum was quite effective. Ginny stepped closer, ignoring the increasing discomfort in her stomach. “And what do you think of me?” She whispered, her mouth close enough to Harry’s. He looked straight into her eyes and without any visible discomfort this time, spoke. “I fancy you. Quite a lot.” As he finished, he let out a breath as if finally released. Ginny frowned- his confession did not uplift her like she thought it would. The space between them stretched and stretched, and despite being only a few inches apart, the realisation in Harry’s eyes put them oceans away. He stepped away, the earlier electrified atmosphere now suddenly limp with tension. Anger, even, Ginny realised.

“You did not slip me Veritaserum, did you?” He said to Ginny, features cool but eyes exhibiting a crescendo of anger.

“I, I,” Ginny stammered, earlier confidence lost towards this cold Harry.

“You what, Ginny?” He said, now his voice slightly wavering.

She looked straight at him, having avoided his eyes all along. She stared into the green depths, pushed the sudden guilt gnawing at her, and spoke, willing her voice too sound as cold as his. Sh was proud when it came out the intended way, shining steel cold, reflecting her house colours. “Yes, yes I did. It was time to get a confession out of you so I did.”

Harry’s eyes widened, before the anger in them was lost, replaced by a hollow look. Somehow, Ginny felt better when he was angry, but this sort of resignation made her feel worse.

Hear yourself, silly girl! You're a Slytherin. She straightened up, willing herself to lose the discomfort weighing her down like rocks.

“And if you’d just asked me, I’d have told you. I would have told you everything I fancied about you. And if you even asked me about the Hallows, I’d have told you that too. I hate deceit and liars, Ginny, and this is nothing less than it. Nor are you any better than those other slimy Slytherins, which I was mistaken about. I hope you’re happy with yourself now.” Harry spoke, his voice a chilling octave. He stormed off and away from Ginny, who suddenly shuddered, falling to her knees in the little alcove.

It was then she let the tears slip, surprising herself with it as well. She inhaled deeply, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Her and Harry seemed irreparable now, no matter what Ginny did. She cried there in the alcove for a few minutes, because she was a heartbroken girl in the end. Except her heartbreak was her own doing- she was responsible for two scarred hearts now. As her tears dried up, Ginny stood back up, rubbed her face and walked away from the alcove, guilt and shame weighing her down, sinking deep in her.

---

And there it is, morally grey Slytherin!Ginny :) I think I like her duality of thinking of spiking drinks and then feeling absolutely like shit when it actually has dire consequences. I might explore more of our beloved characters as morally grey, so let me know if I should or stick to Gryffindor principles :D

Taglist: @amy-herondale-chase // @purplepygmypuffskein // @ginnypxtter // @alwaysmagica1 // @norakelly // @coffee-fandoms-and-chaos //

If you want to be added to my Hinny taglist, please interact with the pinned Taglist post on my account!

[tiniestyo]

HELLO

I'm not sure I've achieved anything since we last spoke. I was invited to write for Metro magazine more than once which I SQUANDERED, and Stone Soup also let me know that I am free to write for them whenever the fancy takes me. Being a food writer might be my dream because I love to type and I hate to abide by the rules of a commercial kitchen (I want to get my nails done and wear my hair down. I did get my nails done, as a birthday gift from my friend who is a nail artist, which is why I'm thinking about this. Beauty is not a thing in food and I wish it was--although, saving on nails and makeup and hair means I could spend on piercings and tattoos. Hmm...).

I almost took a full time job at a friend's vegan and gluten-free bakery, but one key thing made it seem like that wasn't the best choice for me long-term. HOWEVER it did make me reconsider my life and I ended up resigning from the cafe and going to the cake bakery full-time. All of this happened in a weekend. I got a raise in the first week, and the potential for a promotion was there when our head baker/kitchen manager is off on maternity leave (very soon). I don't know if that is still on the table, not sure if I hope it is or not--the absence of real responsibility is nice for my brain, which is constantly overloaded. If 2020 was the year I tried therapy, and 2021 was the year I tried to take my mental health into my own hands (neither good nor bad), perhaps 2022 is the year I will actually find out if I am on the autism spectrum? If I have OCD (long shot maybe but I do have some issue with compulsions) or ADHD (almost definitely) or anything else? Because I think to live the life I want to, I might need to be medicated, or at least learn some management strategies. I want so much from myself and my life and I think a lot of the time my brain is the only thing holding myself back.

***CW weight and body image in this next part, but it's not negative.***

Baking and decorating cakes for work is beautiful and delicious every day. I do enjoy it. However because of a stressful lockdown followed by the constant access to cake I have put on a whole lot of weight over the past four months in a way that is potentially unhealthy (not because of my size--I almost couldn't care less--but because my muscles can't hold it up comfortably anymore, so I need to do some work strengthening my core so I don't have back pain 24/7). I need to pick up pilates again or try yoga or something. I would go to a gym and do weight training type stuff but going to a gym alone, speaking to a trainer, being seen by other people, makes me anxious as hell.

Today is New Year's Day. January 1st, 2022. We stayed up until about 4am watching the new season of Queer Eye and eating shortbread biscuits on final sale (the pack was 77 cents! I will tell anyone who will listen). Today is the day I get my life sorted before the work year begins and everything else gets put on the backburner.

Much love to you all.

x

eating: leftovers from two Christmas dinners, Tony's Chocolonely (hazelnut), shortbread biscuits (77c!). Sesame seed bagels because there were no everything ones, with cream cheese and pickles. Filter coffee and lots of it (Kokako's 'Mahana' blend. There should be a macron on the first o but I don't know how to achieve it without copy-pasting from Google).

cooking: not much! I have plans to make portolakopita as I have a lot of filo and yoghurt. Bought some oranges for it (I think. They look a bit like grapefruits and were unidentified in the supermarket. I hope they're oranges). I also have plans to finally try making Dyan Ng's pan-roasted honey butter brioche, which I ate at Auburn in Los Angeles before they had to close due to COVID. One of the best things I've ever eaten--I hope I can pull it off. Other things I'm keen to try are croissants--I missed the class at university so it'll be my first time!--and bagels. Paris Starn just shared a recipe which looks pretty incredible.

listening to: nothing new. Bit burnt out on the music I've been listening to all year because I am often the music-player at work. I need some new stuff! The end of the year saw a lot of '90s throwbacks (a whole lot of Eurodance). No podcasts for me lately but I might try to start listening again on my way to and from work (I miss my solo mornings where I could listen at the cafe while making scrolls).

watching: Emily in Paris season 2 because it is absolutely mindless but I kind of hate her fashion sense and there are so many moments that make me CRINGE. I had to take a break. Queer Eye season 6, which we watched 6 episodes of last night before passing out. Fantastic Mr. Fox because Alex has never seen it before. We wanted to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall but I guess it is on no streaming services for some reason. Always Rust Youtubers--we've got into this guy Shots this year even though he is entirely out of touch with life itself he is a great player and an entertaining watch.

reading: nowt. Posts from the people I follow/support on Patreon as soon as they come up but not much else. Feels like I don't have the capacity. I hate reading on a laptop/phone screen and really miss books proper (that said I am keen for an e-reader for the ease and reduction in a need for storage space/waste). My Mum got me Ottolenghi's latest (with Noor Murad) OTK: Shelf Love for Christmas and it's beautiful so I'll take a look through that, as well as Camilla Wynne's Jam Bake which I got myself and barely looked at. Those two are not really reading books though.

[curiousconch]

The Moments in Between (Part 2)

Book/Pairing: Open Heart 2 / Rafael Aveiro x F!MC x Bryce Lahela

A/N: This is my shot at a love triangle, because I always found the book lacking in acknowledging the dynamics between the LIs as well as the impact to the chosen LI where others are interested in the MC. If you're reading this hoping for a full-on Bryce, my apologies, but you'll probably be disappointed. It’s supposed to be sprinkled with smut, but I ended up writing fluuuuuffff.  If you haven't read Part 1, click here.

Music Inspo: Jealous by Nick Jonas

Raphael looked on while Casey giggled against Bryce's lips.

He knew Casey was just experimenting on her curiosity. She and Bryce had a sibling-like bond. But as he couldn't stop himself from averting his gaze, he thought of how Bryce hadn't been exactly discreet about his flirtations towards the same woman Raf has just declared his love a few weeks back.

This bucket list tour around Boston was simply meant to be one last ride of the gang together. But things took a really wild turn when Aurora decided to streak across the park, and now Casey's making out with someone else as he stood close by.

He never wished for something to be so unreal as this moment in his life.

His fists clenched, very much unnerved by the feel of this heaviness in his chest. He questioned himself, wanting so much to contradict the constricting pain he felt. It was as if he wasn't the one who gave Casey the go ahead anyway.

He was never one to feel possessive. Yet the knowledge of her being wrapped around someone's arms made him shiver.

His mind wondered - was this the way Casey felt every time she saw him with Sora a few months ago? Did she feel the the same stabbing pain when he held another's hand? Did her eyes almost shined with tears when she saw how his ex kissed him?

Raf tried his best to shake off the upsetting knots beginning to form in his stomach. But he just can't.

Well, Superman has finally found his Kryptonite, he thought.

The sound of Casey's approaching nervous laughter pulled him out of his reverie. She stepped towards him, and he struggled to paste a smirk on his face. It was futile, knowing very well how she can see right through his facade.

Looking down at his shoes, he shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket, suddenly conscious of all of their friends staring at him.

"Well, I won't be doing that again," she mumbled as she leaned close, so that he's the only one who can hear.

"Hmm..." Raf exhaled, careful not to let slip any hint of bitterness.

Her left brow raised at him questioningly, her arm looping around his, nevertheless.

Was I too obvious? His inner voice questioned.

Instead of saying that aloud, he shook his head lightly in response, intent to dismiss her doubts. It was more of an effort to dissipate his own insecurities before it imploded. He kissed her lightly on the forehead, while his thoughts waged a silent war with his emotions.  

"Well, that's a wrap!" Kyra finally broke the uncomfortable silence, everyone else agreeing to call it a night. Relief then coursed through him.

After saying their respective good nights, their group began to disperse in separate directions.

He let his arms fall across Casey's shoulders, guiding her to the direction of his apartment. He wanted nothing more than to settle the conflicted feelings he had with an inconspicuous night cap - they originally planned to spend the night together, after all.

Peace was beginning to calm his heart, but it was cut short by a heavy hand on his shoulder. He immediately knew who it was.

He turned as Bryce looked at him intensely, his brows furrowed.

Raf looked at Casey, and as if reading his thoughts, untangled herself from him and walked a few steps ahead before stopping at a distance, certain she was out of earshot.

Once the two guys were alone, Raf crossed his arms and waited for Bryce to speak his piece.

"Look, I mean no disrespect. You know me, bro. I didn't think much of it, and that did not mean anything." Bryce spoke with an edge in his voice, rubbing the back of his head.

He hesitated, but invoking no reaction from Raf, he continued.

"Honestly, I was really interested in Casey before she shot me down every time I asked her out.  It boggled me, man. I finally found out why when I saw how she looked at you, when we all had dinner together. I backed down and moved on ever since. I see her as nothing but a good friend, now."

Raf listened intently to Bryce's revelation. He thought back to the time before things actually started between him and Casey. Once upon a time, he stumbled upon them exchanging flirty remarks. He dismissed them as just part of his nature, a behavior he thought that Bryce commonly expressed to other girls around him.

Later on, he noticed that she was very close to him, but he attributed it as affection similar to that of siblings. He never entertained the possibility of how dangerously close she was snatched by someone else. It turns out he had more to process.

He finally mustered the strength to nod to Bryce, offering his hand. His friend took it, his posture finally relaxed. However, against Raf's better nature, he didn't say anything further.

Sensing his unease, Bryce took this as his queue to let go. With a friendly salute, he walked away, knowing that he's done his part.

Raf rubbed his temple, closing his eyes for a few moments as he wrestled with himself. He can't help being upset, uncertain as to how he should respond to these very foreign emotions rising within him. He struggled to accept the only possible reason of his unrest.

It was when Casey walked back to him, inquisitive of what just went down between the two guys. As she neared him, she immediately saw the creased lines of his forehead, the same expression he had earlier that evening.

She knew that facade, it was Rafael's contemplative frown.

His whole body jolted as arms wrapped around his waist from behind, breaking him out of his lost thoughts, the familiar scent immediately invading his senses.

"I thought brooding was Batman's thing?" muttered Casey with a playful voice, her head leaning on his back, her hands laced together. "Care to share the meaning of that frown on your face?"

This girl really knew him inside out.

Defeated, certain that Casey was giving him the chance to come clean, he pulled free from her embrace and spun her to face him. His thumb rubbing on her cheekbone, caressing her with so much gentleness, afraid he's going to break her.

He looked down at her, pausing for a few moments, then kissed her. His eyes shut close as he meditated the feel of her mouth crashing on his, her soft lips gifting him the same intoxication he always tasted every time he did this.

And as he broke the kiss, he leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes remained closed, lost in thought.

"Earth to Rafael..." her voice snapped him out of his own trance, an amused look stamped on her face as she gazed up at him, a single brow raised.

"I'm sorry, Casey." He sighed, pondering if he should express his innermost thoughts.

Is this love too fragile? Am I going to cross a line, steering them to a point of no return? Is it the right direction, wanting to let her know that he wanted so much to claim her for himself? They haven't been able to talk about that part yet, knowing that Casey's career is at a crossroads. It wasn't just the right time.

He can't ruin this, not again, he decided.

"I'm still trying to process this myself, I've been contemplating a lot of things in the past few days, and tonight seemed to push me to a tipping point," he resigned.

She cupped his face in her hands, knowing that the man she loved is currently buried in his conflicted feelings.

"It's okay, Raf," she assured him, hoping to quell the building guilt in her chest. "I'm sorry too, I didn't really think that through."

Aware of the mess that she's just made of things, she perceived how careless it was of her to choose to act on the mundane notion of kissing a brother. Well, a brother figure, at least. She thought of it as some kind of experiment, being caught up with the daring mood everyone else was in.

So selfish and so stupid, Casey, she thought, mentally punching herself.

She realized how Edenbrook closing impacted the status of their recently-renewed romance, only just fully-grasping how their relationship might now be hanging by a thread, with the possibility of her moving away from Boston.

She wondered if that's what Raf was thinking about earlier, when they were both standing in front of the hospital where they first met.

Sensing how Casey was now tormenting herself with what happened, he felt compelled to tell her his truth.

It's time I man up, bear my own weight in this relationship, he determined.

Not wanting to let go of his resolve, he took Casey's hands in his and began his admission.  

"I never thought I would be this kind of guy," he whispered, breaking free from her own thoughts. "...but when I saw you and Bryce..." He paused, contemplating the best way to continue.

He sighed as he leaned against her, his head nestling against her shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, taking in the sweet scent of her hair.

"I know I said I love you, but I just can't help myself. I feel numb just thinking about how other people will hover around you, when I'm no longer near you." He brushed through his hair, conscious of the heaviness of his confession.

"You can call me obsessed, I know I might not have the right to be... " He faltered for a bit, but with a powerful shove of willpower, he continued, "So yes, I guess, I just got jealous."

"But I've spent a long time holding back, Casey." His current sentiments echoing the very same words he told her at the gala. "It's time I own up to it, because I know you deserve nothing less than 100% of me. So this is me, facing you, facing all of my feelings for you, even the bad."

He wondered if he should stop, but decided to conclude his speech with one last statement to make it clear.

"I guess it's just that I'm so crazy about you, how much loving you changed me. I'll never be the same person without you."

There, I said it, his mind exasperated, yet instantly relieved.

Casey was stunned, her eyes widened with surprise. It wasn't with Rafael's admission of jealousy though, it was in the acknowledgment of how worried he was about her leaving Boston. It is the vulnerability that this man in front of her willfully showed her, despite the uncertainty of their future.

It was his version of telling her: I don't want you out of my life.

In a moment of clarity, she was able to comprehend that Rafael's jealousy was not coming from a place of mistrust. It was his reassurance that he intended to stay beside her, no matter what was required of them. It didn't matter which path she chooses in her career. Whether she stays or she goes, he chooses to be with her.

It may mean braving a long-distance relationship, maybe something more. What's important was he's telling her loud and clear: he's in it for the long run.

And at that moment, she was certain she wanted exactly the same.

"Aha! So the Clark Kent gets jelly too..." she exclaimed, unable to restrain her chuckle.

He smiled despite himself. Give it to Casey to always lighten up the mood.

She gave him a light pat on his back, comforting Raf.

"Thank you for being honest. But it takes a lot more than jealousy to beat down the most stubborn person you've ever met!" she declared, sticking her tongue out as she released him from her embrace, gazing him.

Rafael can't help but laugh, grateful for how easily she  figured out how to disspell the conflict between them.

She then pointed at the lamp post above them, apparently inviting him to a callback of perhaps one of the earliest fond memories they shared.

"My samba moves are a little rusty. Mind if you help me shake it off?" Casey's broad grin was infectiously bright, even in the dim light that surrounded them.

He took her hand, kissing her fingertips and twirled her once. He pulled her to him, letting his hands fall on her hips,  as she leaned back against his chest.

"Don't mind if I do, my Lois."

And as their bodies swayed, all the worries sashayed away. For in that moment, they remembered that night they once danced in the streets, and the odds that they were able to overcome since then.

It's more than enough of an assurance that they will always find a way.

Their love will.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

No one's POV

"Squad leader (Y/N)! The scouts are back! They retook wall Maria!", (Y/N) was woken by Diana's excited yelling. She barged into Levi's room, mud all over her shoes. (Y/N) woke up with a jolt and noticed it. "Levi will be pissed..." she thought but she didn't say anything to Diana. This wasn't the time for it. She knew that she had to see if Levi and Erwin returned safely or not. "Diana, saddle my horse. Fast" (Y/N) commanded Diana as she went to the bathroom to change out of her nightgown. She didn't take long to change and when she was done, she immediately ran for the stable, her heart fluttering with joy. They are back. They are successful. They are one step ahead for humanity's victory.

When (Y/N) reached the stable, Diana was done saddling the horse and (Y/N) immediately got on it and galloped for the walls. The fluttering feeling in her heart turned into an uncomfortable clench when she reached the wall. An elevator with nine people was coming down. An elevator can hold about twenty people. "Was that all the people who survived?" she thought, the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach increasing. The lift seemed to come down for eternity. "Are they dead?" (Y/N)'s mind whispered to herself. She had no idea what she would do without Levi. Without Erwin, her only family left. When the lift came down finally, (Y/N) felt like her heart stopped. At the front was Hanji, her eye bandaged. Behind her was Levi. (Y/N)'s eyes widened at the sight.

"No... This isn't happening..." her mind shouted. Levi noticed her on her horse and bowed his head. "He didn't protect Erwin..." (Y/N)'s mind whispered at her. Out of instinct, (Y/N) turned her horse and galloped towards the Survey corps headquarter, not stopping even when Levi shouted, "(Y/N)! Wait!" loudly.

(Y/N) went straight into Levi's office. She needed to know how Erwin died. She needed to know if Levi tried his best to save him. After what seemed like a lifetime later, Levi entered his office to find (Y/N) sitting on one of the chairs in front of his desk. "How did it happen?" (Y/N) asked him in a quiet voice. Her face scared Levi. It was what he saw the day he first met (Y/N). Emotionless and cold. There were no tears in (Y/N)'s eyes. She almost looked like she was tired, like she was bored. Levi didn't know how to explain everything to her. He was never too good at explaining anyway.

With a sigh, he said, "Both Erwin and Armin were seriously injured. I had to use the titan serum on one of them and I decided that it was time for Erwin to rest.". "So, you killed him..." (Y/N) stated, her voice showing...nothing. No anger, no regret, no sadness. Her voice was like of a dead person, void of any human emotion. "(Y/N), I had good reason to..." Levi tried to explain but (Y/N) held her hand up, signalling him to stop. "I don't want to hear anything you have to say." she said before walking towards the door. "Don't try to follow me. I don't want to see your face again." she told him, not bothering to look at him before walking out of the office.

(Y/N) felt numb. Memories of Erwin and Levi making promises shot through her mind. "How many times will I lose everything dear to me?" she thought. To her, life seemed more meaningless than ever. She walked towards her office. Yes, she had her own office but she preferred to work with Levi. She felt lonely doing all the work alone. Ironically, loneliness was all she had now. She took a pen and paper and wrote a letter.

"Ms Hanji Zoe

Commander

Survey corps

Subject: Resignation letter

Dear Hanji,

Please accept this letter as my formal resignation from the position as squad leader of the Survey corps, effective from whenever you get the letter.

I appreciate the opportunity of growth and development you have provided me.

Sincerely,

(Y/N) (L/N)"

This was it. She knew she had to run from this life. Being in the Survey corps meant she had to witness the death of loved ones again. She had to face Levi again. (Y/N) walked towards Erwin's office. "I will never see him sitting in there again" her mind whispered to her. She opened the door to find an empty room. "Hanji didn't move in yet.." she assumed. Memories of when she was chosen as squad leader, when she asked him to walk the aisle with her on her wedding passed her mind. The wedding would never happen now. She remembered the ring in her finger. "Should I leave it with the letter?" she thought, not being able to make up her mind. At the end she decided to keep it.

As a symbol of her old memories of a Levi she knew she loved. (Y/N) placed the letter on the desk and went out of the office, out of the headquarters. She didn't take her horse or her possessions, she didn't have the time to. She walked towards the place where she made the decision of joining the Survey corps. To the orphanage.

(Y/N) POV

I knocked on the door of the orphanage and the matron opened the door. Seemed like the news of Uncle Erwin's death spreaded like wild fire since the first thing the matron did was hug me and say, "Oh (Y/N) dear! I'm so sorry...". "Ms Winkler (the matron's name), can I stay here for a few days? Till I get my own house?" I asked her calmly. "Your own house? Aren't you getting married soon?" she asked me, confused. "I'm afraid the wedding won't take place. After what he did..." I sighed. "My dear, I don't know what the captain did but you rejecting him means it must be something horrid. You're welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I'm getting old, so a bit of help is always welcomed." Ms Winkler smiled as she took me in.

Ms Winkler showed me my room a while back. I sat on the bed, trying to remain calm but I felt restless. The depth of the situation was finally hitting me. Uncle Erwin is dead. I left Levi. I left the Survey corps. I have absolutely nothing left to live for. I felt emotionally unstable. I felt all energy from my body being drained. "I can't take this anymore. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts..." my mind was screaming.

I walked to the bathroom. Conveniently, there was a blade there. I had to cut myself. Drown my sorrows by causing external pain. Just before the blade touched my skin, I remembered that I wasn't alone. I still had my child. "I'm sorry honey... I completely forgot about you... I'm so sorry I almost hurt you..." I whispered to my stomach, which bulged a bit now. I caressed it a bit as I sat on the bathroom floor, whispering sorry as tears streamed down my face. I have to take on all the pain the world throws at me. I have to make sure my child gets a happy life.

A week later

"(Y/N), you need to eat properly... You're eating like a mouse, dear... Both the baby and you needs the food..." Ms Winkler tried to convince me to eat. I honestly tried my best to eat as much as I can but I had no appetite. After the happenings of last week, nothing felt good. I slept for two days, eating a few bites of bread whenever Ms Winkler got it to me. She was worried about my and my child's health and even if I was grateful that she was making the effort, I just couldn't eat. My sleep schedule was all over the place too as my nightmares came back.

It's been a while since I've been having nightmares every night. Being with Levi helped but now... There's nothing I could do about it. I've been helping Ms Winkler with her household duties, looking after the other kids, and keeping myself as busy as possible to forget the events of last week. Hanji didn't send me an approval of the resignation letter yet and I thought about going to the Survey corps headquarter to make sure if she got the letter or not but later decided against it as there was a chance of running into Levi there.

I still didn't know why he decided to let Erwin die but I decided that it's best if I don't know as the truth on it might only be more hurtful. I rented a house last day too, where I was supposed to move in to next week. The owner, a lovely old lady, was really understanding of my situation. I was peeling some potatoes in the kitchen when Ms Winkler came into the kitchen and told me, "(Y/N), someone is here to see you."

Levi POV

It had been a week since (Y/N) left. I understood why she did it. What I did was unforgivable. However, I couldn't keep any regrets, right? My sleep schedule had been shit for the last week, the insomnia returned, as well as the nightmares. All I did everyday was bury myself with paperwork, clean any place with a speck of dirt and drink to some extent at night. My good alcohol tolerance didn't help at all. At least that kept my mind off things... Apparantly everyone was surprised when I cleaned the stable by myself two days back. I couldn't blame them because I made cadets do things like that since I became a squad leader. I was working on paperwork when Hanji entered the room.

"What do you want shitty glasses" I asked in a stoic expression, not looking up from the paperwork. "Oi, I'm the commander now. At least give some respect..." Hanji teased, trying to make me talk. She had been doing these for a while as I haven't talked to anyone much since last week. There just was too much on my mind and the amount of paperwork was intense. "It's been a week since she gave that resignation letter. What are you planning to do about it?" Hanji asked me. Yes, she wanted to leave the Survey corps. Because of me. It was all over wasn't it? "Aren't you in charge of writing the approval letter?" I asked, restricting any emotions in my voice.

"Levi, stop acting like you don’t feel anything. Before her commander, I'm her friend and I know that you want her to be happy as much as I do. You need to go and explain why you made that shitty decision. At least try to get her back." Hanji told me, her voice sounding angry. "I tried to tell her. She didn't want to listen" I answered. Hanji looked at me like I am horse shit.

"You went up to her and told her that you made the decision to kill Erwin. It's obvious that she wouldn't want to listen to you. And you stopped trying because of that one time? I honestly had better expectations from you, Levi." she told me, getting angrier. "What am I supposed to tell her? That I don't regret making that decision? You think she will like hearing that?" I asked Hanji, frustrated. She was right, I should've tried harder, but, how?

"But you do regret it don't you? Even if it probably was necessary according to you?" Hanji asked, in a soft tone. "I'm not supposed to regret it... Erwin said.." I was interjected by Hanji, who simply said, "Erwin regretted not being able to see what's in the basement, didn't he? Thus you had to make the decision for him and he had to die. Sure, the downfall was big but it caused one of our biggest victories didn't it? We know so much now... I suppose, regretting might give some good results too, doesn't it?" she explained. I was silent. She was right. I regretted my decision.

However, it had to be done. I had to explain everything to (Y/N) and leave the decision to her. "Levi, let's not delay things more. I got news that (Y/N) is staying at an orphanage nearby. Let's go together and convince her to talk to you. As a friend, I want her happy and as a commander, she is a huge asset to the survey corps, given that now we only have 9 survivors from the last mission. I'll tell someone to saddle our horses." she told be before getting up and going out of my room. I didn't feel as nervous as I feel now when I proposed (Y/N)...

It took a while for me to arrange all the paperwork I was working on into neat piles before going to the stable. Hanji was already there, on her horse. Diana, (Y/N)'s second in command was standing there. She probably was the one to saddle the horses. "Commander Hanji, when will squad leader (Y/N) return from vacation?" I heard her asking Hanji. Yes, the survey corps members and other higher ups were told that (Y/N) was on vacation as she needed some time alone due to Erwin's death, and not to talk about it to the press. The only people who knew about the resignation letter were myself and Hanji. "Well, we are going to talk to her about that now." Hanji smiled at Diana, who saluted me as I arrived near them. I motioned her to be at ease as I got on my horse. With that, we galloped towards the orphanage she was in.

We reached there in a few minutes as it was pretty close. "I'll go inside and talk to (Y/N) first. I'll call you when I have convinced her to talk to you. I have a feeling that she will refuse to talk to you at first." Hanji explained. I nodded as a reply. It was depressing to think that (Y/N) would refuse to talk to me. I got down from my horse to find a few kids staring at me and the horses. "Oi brats, you know where the stable is?" I asked them. One of them, possibly the leader, a small brunette kid, walked up to me and said, "I'd tell you if you were nice to me." with a pout.

"Listen, brat, I am being nice. I'm not in much of a good mood now, so don't give me this bullshit. Where's the stable?" I asked the kid in my monotone voice. "Mhhm, I won't tell you unless you're nice." she pouted. "Kid, don't expect every single stranger to sweet talk to you." I sighed. Kids were annoying. "Well, Ms (L/N) was a stranger. She was nice to us." the girl told me. "She was? Well, Ms (L/N) is a nice person. I on the other hand am a piece of shit who made her sad." I sighed, my expression showing some sadness even if I tried to hide it. The girl looked at me for a moment before saying, "The stable is in the backyard. Follow me.".

I followed the girl, the group of kids followed me. "You're captain Levi right?" the girl asked. "Yes. I am." I answered, as I walked with the horses. "How did you make Ms (L/N) sad?" she asked me. "Well, as you know, the commander of the survey corps is dead right? I had a lot of things to do with it. The commander was Ms (L/N)'s uncle and... You know how that works." I explained. "So you're here to talk to her?" the girl asked.

"Yeah" I answered as I got the horses in the stable. "You know, she won't be happy if you keep using your potty mouth. If you're nice to her, she will listen." the girl advised. I was surprised that a 10 year old was advising me about how I should talk to (Y/N). However, she wasn't entirely wrong. I only had a chance if I calmly explained everything one by one. "You're right, kid." I answered as I closed the stable door. "Oi, what's your name?" I asked the girl. "Stella." she answered as Hanji came out. "I figured you'd be near the stable. (Y/N) agreed to talk. Let's go." she said. "Best of luck out there. You need it." Stella told me with a smile.

(Y/N) POV

"Hanji?" I was surprised to see her here. I honestly thought she will just send an approval letter. "(Y/N), we need to talk." she told me. "I'll give you two some privacy" Ms Winkler said before getting out of the room. "I expected you to send an approval letter..." I started but Hanji interjected. "(Y/N), both you and Levi are my best friends. I want both of you to be happy. What you two are doing right now isn't gonna make either of you happy." she went straight to business. "Hanji, I'm happy this way. I don't want him in my life." I told her.

"Don't try to trick me, (Y/N). You're as thin as a scarecrow. I could tell you can't eat properly. Don't be so selfish (Y/N). We both know that you're not happy. Do you think your child will be okay without any explanation of why you left his or her father? You can't deny your child of his or her father just because you are angry." Hanji told me. "There is an explanation, Hanji. He decided to let Uncle Erwin die. He chose some Cadet over Uncle Erwin." I was interjected again.

"(Y/N), you weren't there when it happened. I saw the whole thing and I don't blame him. I don't know what he was thinking but I witnessed everything. He was going to give Erwin the injection. He was almost killed by Mikasa in the process. Eren begged him like his life depended on it. He ignored every one of them. I saw from far away that he almost pushed the needle in Erwin's hand but then Erwin shot his hand up, away from the needle and said something to Levi. That's when Levi gave the injection to Armin. I think, it was something that Erwin said that changed Levi's mind. Trust me, he wanted to save Erwin but I don't think Erwin wanted to be saved. If anyone broke a promise, it was Erwin. Not Levi." Hanji explained to me what she saw.

Was I blaming Levi for nothing then? What did Uncle Erwin say to him? "Levi hasn't been sleeping for the last week and he honestly looks as old as his age now. I don't want any of you two to suffer. Please, at least talk to him about it. Let him explain." Hanji told me in a serious tone. "Okay. I will talk to him." I sighed. If Hanji is right, I probably am making a big mistake by leaving him. I just had to make sure. "Ah, great! I will get Levi here in a minute. He's right outside!" Hanji said happily before skipping outside. That crazy woman is always prepared...

After a long minute, Levi entered the room. Hanji wasn't kidding when she said that Levi looks older. He had eye bags and looked like he had a bad case of a hangover. How much has he been drinking? I've never seen him having a hangover... Even after all that, he still managed to look almost as good as usual. "So, explain" I told him as he sat on the chair beside me. We were sitting at the dining room. "I decided that I will tell you everything from the beginning. After that, you're free to make any decision that you see fit." Levi told me. He looked like a defeated man, like he lost everything dear to him. "Okay" I replied before he started.

"We were losing the battle. The beast titan was throwing boulders at us, cornering us. If we were to wait longer, everyone would've died. We were in the inner walls of wall Maria. My squad and Hanji's squad was in Shiganshina. The colossal titan was coming towards us from Shiganshina. Eren was unconscious on top of the wall. Everything spelt defeat. I proposed Erwin that I would sacrifice myself so that he and the others could ride Eren and escape. It was a botched up plan anyway. Erwin then told me that he had a plan which included him and every other soldier in the inner wall to charge at the beast titan, making themselves potential targets. They would shoot flares at the beast, distracting him and I would use the line of titans next to him to get to him.

Erwin wanted to see what's in the basement and to attend the wedding. He wasn't willing to make the decision. I, at that time, decided that humanity's victory is more important because I wanted you and our child safe. Even if you leave me for it. I made the decision for him and he told me to take care of you two. The plan was a success. I got the beast titan but I hoped that Erwin was alive. I didn't kill the beast titan so that Erwin could turn into a titan and eat him. I was wrong, and the cart titan took the beast titan and ran off. He commanded his titan army to kill me but I killed the titan army as fast as possible before following the beast.

I found him talking to Eren but he saw me and ran again. My gas was finished when I reached Eren. There, I found that Armin was almost burnt to death. He defeated the colossal titan earlier by sacrificing himself. Berthold was captured by Eren. Eren told me to use the serum on Armin. I hesitated because there still was a chance that Erwin might be alive and I was right. Erwin was badly injured and dying. I made the most obvious decision, which was to save Erwin. That's when Eren started begging. Mikasa shot at me with her sword when I hit Eren to get him out of the way. I just... Felt weak.

Who was I to choose that their best friend, a person who was almost like a brother to them, should die? Even after all that, I knew that I had to save Erwin because I promised you that I will keep him safe. Hanji came later and took Mikasa off me, explained them that it has to be Erwin. That's when Eren mentioned how Armin wanted to see the ocean. I realized that both Erwin and Armin had dreams that made them go on. I still decided to bring Erwin back to life. Just as I was about to push the needle in his hand, he shot his hand up and muttered with his dying breath, "Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?". I remembered something that Kenny said at that time. That everyone has to be drunk on something in order to live.

It matched with something Erwin told me earlier, that he wanted to die many times but it was the mystery of the basement that kept him alive. If he knew what was inside the basement, he probably wouldn't want to be alive like this anymore. And, that would be a loss for humanity nonetheless. Armin on the other hand had goals that was far from reach. I made the decision that felt would be best for humanity and the safety of you two. On the view point of a captain, I have no regrets, but, in a personal view point, I regret this decision and will continue to do so all my life." he explained.

For once, I think I understood why he did it. "Levi, I understand why you did it. I think I will forgive you too, but, give me some time. I need to think it all over, and convince my mind to forgive you. It really wasn't your fault but I lost someone dear to me. I just, need some space till we get married." I replied. "You... You won't leave me? We are still getting married?" Levi asked, his voice and face showing surprise. "Yes. I won't leave you and we will get married on the date we fixed. However, I want to stay alone till that day. I need to give myself the time to forgive you." I explained.

"(Y/N), thank you so much for reconsidering... I don't deserve to be forgiven. I'm sorry..." Levi muttered. "It's okay Levi. By the way, how much are you drinking?" I asked him. "Oh, just every night." he answered with a smile. "Don't drink that much. It's bad for you. You look older." I told him. "Okay. I wont." he told me, holding my hand. I didn't know what came upon me because I got up and hugged him. He was still sitting down, his head was on my chest. "I'm so sorry.." he muttered. "It's okay. We will be okay." I told him, caressing his hair. He hugged be back in a few moments and I knew that I would never regret this decision of not leaving him.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: (Y/N) WILL GET MARRIED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! Sorry, I might have mentioned in chapter 18 that (Y/N) will have her kid after 6-7 chapters but I decided to give the characters a bit more development before going into that. So, (Y/N) won't have her kid in a few more chapters.]

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[the-hetchia-universe]

So i found i miciti disney of phantom blot!

And i wanted to share the translated version of the interview ! ( and i like he has some kinda story behind the interview. The extras will be on a reblog post.)

"If I didn't have a heart of gold..."

Meeting within the walls of the prison with the one who likes to call himself a villain unique in style, intelligence and personality. A true emperor of crime, if it were not for the too much sensitivity that makes him hate violence and has prevented him on various occasions to get rid of the enemy Mickey, for now.

When it was decided to dedicate a volume - and a coin - to The Phantom blot, it was prudently placed towards the end of the series, in the belief that sooner or later the person concerned would be available for the ritual interview.

The reasoning did not make a wrinkle: more than six months would have been enough for him to try to pull off one of his famous shots, which would have been followed by the probable (not to say inevitable) arrest, and so it would have been easy to meet him in the cooler.

And instead, time has passed and no news of the lantitante Phantom blot has been heard.

That he had decided to take a long vacation or, even worse, to retire permanently from...business?

The only hope of not being forced to write with blank pages was placed in the major expert of the black character and his nemesis for sixty years, and that is Mickey. Who immediately reassured us. "No, Phantom Blot doesn't know what the holidays are," he said convinced.

"And as for the idea of retiring, I don't think it ever even crossed his twisted mind. He's not the type to sit on his hands, and even if he was, he'd never retire before he took me off the streets. He swore it to me... and he's not the type to break his word."

But then how did you explain him not talking about himself for so long? 

"He's on a break," sentenced Mickey. "he's preparing a big score... and I know which one too!"

At the Mousetown Research Center, very advanced studies were underway on a device to make people invisible. Very secret studies, of course, but not for Phantom Blot, as revealed by an ingenious electronic bug system discovered by chance at the Center.

There was no doubt that he was the one who planted them.

"Invisibility has always been his dream," Mickey said.

"And with that device, he'd have one that's perfectly good, not the handcrafted one that gives him his black cloak in the night."

the bug hadn't been removed, so as not to put the Phantom blot on the forewarning so that we could catch him red-handed at the appropriate time. Which, unfortunately, wouldn't be for a few months at the earliest. And to hasten the time was not even talked about it: even if it had been possible, an interview would hardly have been a sufficient reason to speed up the work.

I was already resigned to having to give up the interview when I had a dazzling idea. What if he just pretended to finish the job? A nice, exclusive benefit performance by Blot and his bugs and...

"And he'll bite for sure, because he doesn't know that we know that he knows!" exclaimed Mickey.

"Besides, if he has to act sooner than expected, he won't have the time to get his plans right, and it'll be easier to neutralize him. And there is another advantage: even if he gets away with it, he will have nothing to steal. But he won't get away with it..."

Mickey was a good man (not that it took long: all the precedents were in his favor) and so here I am, in Mousetown prison, visiting the blackest black character in the Disney world.

Who receives me in his usual cell. I'd like to describe him, but how do you tell something you can't see? The room, in fact, is in total darkness...

Interviewing an invisible subject is not the best, but taking notes in the dark is impossible...can't you turn on a light?

PB: Yes, but then you'll miss the right dark atmosphere.

Patience, I'll work on my imagination.

PB: I hope you've had enough. Anyway, I'm keeping the cloak and hood. Without them, I wouldn't be me anymore. Even the warden lets me wear them when I'm in jail. He has respect for my personality...

Me too, I assure you. You've always been my favorite negative character. The best villain. And don't get me wrong, when I say "bad"...

PB: There's no need to add anything else. I get it. On the other hand, how could you define me differently? Well, maybe instead of "bad," you could use the term "evil." I think it suits me better and is more exclusive. I'm the only one who's evil, and the comic book pages are full of villains.

And no one remotely has my class. Not to mention style, intelligence and personality.

Modesty, on the other hand, is quite common among you criminals...

PB: If you think you're funny, you're very wrong. I'm not immodest, I'm just telling it like it is. I'm not the kind of guy who's special, I'm not the kind of guy you're looking for.

That's what Floyd Gottfredson thought, too... 

PB: He's designed me. You ever wonder why I made myself look so much like Walt Disney?

As a joke, if I'm not mistaken.

PB: Pff! That's the official version. The truth is, he wanted to pay tribute to a great man by making him play a great character. And who could you find better than me? Walt and I have a lot in common.

Certainly not a criminal record.

PB: Obviously not. But we're both geniuses.

With very different results, though. His career has been a little bit better than yours. Speaking of which, can you explain the long hole between your first compo, in 1939, and your return to action, in 1955? Sixteen years is a long time: what have you been doing in all that time?

PB: If you had that imagination you boasted about earlier, you wouldn't ask me such a question. It's obvious I've been in prison. Serving my long sentence and figuring out how to get revenge on the man who put me away. You should have known better. And if you're really a fan of mine, you should know that I almost succeeded. I had a diabolical plan, a revenge so subtle that only I could have imagined it. Nothing crude, no direct violence. Mickey sabotaged himself with his own hands! I hope you publish the story of my return to the scene, so that readers will also appreciate my genius.

It's the first of this volume, a real classic. You really missed nothing because you're getting rid of your enemy. In this regard, can you explain me why, even though you had several times - and since your first encounter - the possibility to eliminate Mickey directly, you never did it?

PB: Because I'm too sensitive. I hate violence and I could never get my hands dirty. I wish I could. It would be so easy to just get the rat out of the way! But instead I'm forced to make deadly contraptions or studying very complicated subjects. Imagine that once, in order to get rid of my hated enemy, I managed to erase it from the mind of every inhabitant of Mousetown. Of course, as you can gather from my presence here, it didn't help. Do you know what that crude Pete once said to me, who I often share a cell with? That without my good heart, I'd be the emperor of crime! I hate to do this, but I have to agree with him.

Yeah, if it hadn't been Mickey in his way... He's blacked you out plenty of times!

PB: Yeah ! That's some low-rent humor. Why don't you also say that it's...stained my career? I don't mind anyway, because I'm tenacious, me. I'll never give up. I know what I'm worth, and I know the day will come when I can get rid of Mickey once and for all. That is, if luck doesn't keep on helping him, of course. That nosy little chap's always got a dose to envy even Gladstone.

You're not saying that to console yourself? The way you're putting it, it sounds like Mickey doesn't deserve any credit for putting you in jail. I'll grant you that sometimes he got away with it because your sensitivity prevented you from giving him the coup de grâce, but to say that he beats you regularly just because he's lucky, seems too much.

PB: Is that what you think? Then let us examine this latest supposed success of the brilliant detective, the genius of investigators, the terror of criminals. Tsk! I was preparing a perfect score, according to a schedule studied in detail... and what happens? That those scientists realize much earlier than expected the invention that I was so interested in, thus forcing me into a hasty action that led to my arrest. Mickey was there waiting for me, but if I'd had time to make a proper plan, I'd have done it under his nose, always snooping around. Grrr! And you're telling me he's not lucky?

Well, yeah, maybe a little. I'll grant you that it's not his fault, but the case, if the microplashes you had installed at the Research Center were discovered. But he was the one who figured out you planted them and had the idea to leave them where they were so you wouldn't get suspicious. And the fact that the invention was ready before its time is not a stroke of luck, but simply... false news.

PB: What?! You made that up. I don't believe it!

And it hurts, because I know what I'm talking about. I'm the one who gave him the idea. I went to consult him to find a way to interview you... Hey! Why did you get up? You don't want to...

PB: ...hurt you? No! I hate violence, you know that. I just want to hug you to show my appreciation! You are living proof that Mickey beats me just because he is lucky. But do you realize? I ended up in jail because of an interview!

That we can continue...

PB: Ah no! Even if I'm not angry with you, I don't talk to my worst enemy's allies. It's a matter of principle... that brings us to the end. So I'd be grateful if you'd leave. And on your way out, turn off the light!

[insomniblaque]

I’ve been thinking about romantic love for a little while now. Well, mostly romantic, but in general I’ve been contemplating my relationship with men and where love fits in those relationships. I’ll be honest, romantic love hasn’t manifested itself in the way I’ve seen other people experience it. I’ve never been in a mutual relationship with someone I’d call a partner, I haven’t been intimate with a person long enough for that part of a relationship to materialize, and I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is, and the role I’ve had in perpetuating that experience. When I was first trying to learn what love was supposed to look like, around middle school I’d say, I wanted to blame myself and relatively superficial factors based on some of my most intimate insecurities — how I felt about my body, my skin, my hair as the reasons why boys didn’t come flocking to me. I blamed things that are uniquely tied to what I looked like. The way I saw love being expressed to other girls — girls who were taller, lighter, skinnier, with less acne molded my expectation of what men wanted and fueled the insecurities I had because they seemed to be everything I wasn’t. While these thoughts existed and played a role in how closed off I was to the idea of professing my intense like for men, they didn’t stay for long, mainly because of the relationships I had with men at that time. My father always made it a point to affirm my worth. My father loved my smile, my gap, my violet gums, my cheeks and voice and never forgot to remind me of how special and beautiful  I am. He would jest about when I would bring a boy home often because “there was no way they weren’t asking to approach me” because I look the way I do. My friendships with mostly boys around that time also offset some of that insecurity because I had friends who not only valued me as a person but appreciated me for things I didn’t necessarily notice in myself like my wit, sense of humor, ability to listen and call them out on their shit.

Over the years, I’ve gone through different phases of trying to redefine my insecurities for myself but ultimately so that I wouldn’t let these self limiting beliefs stand in the way of the potential relationships I could develop. It started with my face. The ugly duckling years of middle school prompted my first interests in learning about makeup so that I could distract people from what I didn’t want them to see.  It evolved into a genuine appreciation of the art and eventually a form of therapy for me. I loved beautifying myself for me -- a stray compliment (though I didn’t know how to accept them) also contributed to the boost in dopamine but ultimately, it was the agency of being able to do something only I knew how to do at the time that added to my confidence. Next was my hair, I think I was the most insecure about that for the longest time. My sister always had thicker, longer hair than me and my worth — especially in a deeply Caribbean household felt tied to how manageable and beautiful I could be and hair was the first indicator of that. When relaxed, my hair was thin, uneven, and barely scraped my shoulders. In high school, after having skipped a couple of relaxer sessions before the first day of my sophomore year, I chopped it all off with kitchen scissors. I remember wanting to see if I could feel beautiful without hair and that would be the “social experiment”. Learning to love the hair that grew out of my head at any stage and detaching the value of my beauty from it was not what I thought I was doing that day at 15, but looking back my confidence grew over time from this dissociation. I was just a year and a half early from the boom of natural hair journeys and big chops of that era (yes, if you haven’t noticed I am ahead of my time in a lot of ways lmao) where other women and girls were also expanding their definitions of self-love via their hair and that also made me feel more confident that I can be all of myself around anyone. Hair no longer was a contributing insecurity for me. Recently, I did another dramatic chop, rooted more in an existential crisis, but it also kind of reminded me of the first — how I could still see myself as beautiful without relying on the factors that are called conventionally beautiful. Last, was my body. I had been prone to unhealthy habits rooted in my poor body image for as long as I could remember like restricting meals, unsustainable diets, even at one point abusing drugs (long story) to try to shave off of a few pounds or to try to find the semblance of abs under all my stomach fat. This insecurity was the hardest to shake. Looking at old pictures of myself these days baffles me because when I was trying my hardest to lose weight, I was probably at my skinniest. I didn’t begin redefining my body image until I got to college and needed to find a way to curb the freshman 15. A friend introduced to weightlifting our freshman year and all I can remember is how powerful it made me feel. The simple movements of a squat or a deadlift wasn’t what brought the thrill, it was the amount of weight I could hold in my hands for an extended period of time, the mass I could move that made me feel like if I could do that then I could do anything. Fitness in the form of weightlifting where I was tracking progress with what I could do and not how I looked like really helped me redefine the boundaries of my body. I still struggle with body image every now and again since I’m still very far from a set of well defined abs and too many things jiggle without my permission most times and I think it will always be a work in progress for someone like me who’s intrinsically a perfectionist but the frame shift I have experienced since has empowered me in ways that I never thought would belong to me.

Now back to men. I think it was around this time last year that I started taking a critical look at why I was the way I was where men are concerned. It was at the height of my dad’s battle with cancer and I was ini school failing and riddled with guilt about it. The first real idea of what a relationship would look like for me also came up in my thoughts. A guy , the topic of many stories and a couple of playlists, who I had a lot of respect for but for all intents and purposes didn’t reciprocate that respect in the ways I felt I needed kept coming into my mind at that time. We had a relatively complicated history spanning almost ten years now and it was the kind of connection that I didn’t want to bring with me as powerful as it was. The back and forth took me back to a place where my insecurities were the root of my worth and validation and that was no longer my truth. Some part of me really wanted to believe that we were the kind of people who would always find our way to each other and I held a lot of love for him. But given the place I was an in at the time, I felt like I was on the road to losing some of the most important men in my life and I wanted to do as much that was in my power to curb that by questioning the love l held for all the men in my life. So I sent some letters and one of them was to him. Disclaimer, I was really embarrassed by the letter and even more embarrassed that I sent it to his school email so he had no choice but to read it. But in this letter, I thanked him. I thanked him for seeing me— all of me when I felt like nobody did but also told him that I needed to cut the ties that attached my sense of self to how he saw me and felt about me considering he was one of the first people to admit to seeing me in a romantic context. We were becoming adults, diverging paths and still something in me was holding out for him and I knew I needed to work on letting that go. It took me a week to write that letter and another week and some liquid courage to send it to him. I wrote a couple of other letters, mailed some, kept others. Overall in this exercise, I realized the lack of emotional vulnerability I have always struggled with, the coldness as a defense mechanism that I was comfortable using and the sense of security I felt from the validation of my father and my best male friends all fueled the way I shot myself in the foot when it came to letting new men into my life. Fast forward, my father has passed, this man is back in my life in the context of a healthy friendship and I am working on the final frontier of emotional vulnerability so that whatever the next romantic experience that comes my way, I won’t run from it. I made this with all the men I’ve loved in mind, my daddy, my best friend, the first person I said I love you to and meant it, a person who I’ve recently resigned myself to just get to know as opposed to making advances on and every situation I have yet to encounter where the male half of our species is involved. This is to all the men I’ve loved before, will always love, and hopefully will learn to love. Enjoy it.

[freespiritdani]

"But I didn't mean for this to happen..." Part 2 of 2

NOTE: I teach AP English at a high school in the USA. When I began this class this semester, I gave my class an assignment to write a fan fiction essay based on their favorite story, movie, show, or game. All but one of my students are Choices fans and wrote accordingly, Two of them (my daughter and my daughter-in-law) decided to team up and write one 2-part story. They gave me permission to share it here. You've already read Part 1 (I hope), now...submitted for your approval, here is Part 2.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaitlyn stepped off the Gulfstream at a little tiny airport just outside Northbridge. Ryan Summers, actor and fellow Hartfeld alum, had let Kaitlyn borrow his jet and pilot when Zack called her and told her about finding Alex dead.

She had slept fitfully during the cross-country flight. Alexandra Day and Kaitlyn Liao had been best of friends from the moment they met on their first day at Hartfeld. They were also lovers for a short time during freshman year. The memories of all the good times they had together was all that was helping Kaitlyn keep it together right at the moment.

Zack was waiting on Kaitlyn when she entered the terminal building. He ran up to her and gave her a bear hug, then he began to cry.

"I'm sorry I called you last night, but I didn't know who else to call," Zack said. "I went over to check on her like you or I have always done ever since she started drinking....and....and...she was lying on the couch, eyes open....not...not breathing...and..." Zack started sobbing.

Kaitlyn had started crying by now. She patted Zack on the back and said, "Don't apologize, Zack. Somebody had to let me know."

"And, Bec--" Zack started, but stopped abruptly when Kaitlyn's phone went off. She pulled it out of her hip pocket and checked it. A puzzled look came across her face.

"What the.....an email from Alex???" Kaitlyn asked, confused. She clicked on it and read it. "Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy god..." she said under her breath. "Alex, you little fool..." She bowed her head and slumped down into a seat in the lobby.

"Are you all right?" Zack asked.

Kaitlyn reached her phone to Zack. "She sent this at seven last night and queued it so I wouldn't get it until this morning after it was too late to do anything about it."

Zack read the email, then plopped down in the chair beside Kaitlyn and sighed. "Well, dear Alexandra," he said with a tone of resignation in his voice, "you're in good company, girlfriend."

"Zack Zilberg, the is the most inconsiderate thing I have ever heard you...." Kaitlyn paused, then it dawned on her that Alex's suicide wasn't the only bad news. "Is there something else you need to tell me?" she asked slowly.

Zack bowed his head. "Yeah," Zack said quietly, "there is. It's what I started to tell you when Alex's suicide note email came in. Becca committed suicide last night, too. Jumped off the eighteenth floor of the Hyatt here last night."

Kaitlyn's mouth dropped open. "Why? Did she leave a note?" she asked.

"No need. Madison was with her when it happened," Zack answered, then he proceeded to tell Kaitlyn what Madison had told him about the events of the night before.

Kaitlyn looked toward the ceiling, then began to cry. Zack silently reached over and held her to comfort her, as much for his own benefit as it was for hers. After a few minutes of this, Kaitlyn composed herself and stood up.

"Zack," Kaitlyn whispered, "I need to see them. Will you take me to them?" Zack opened his mouth to object, but Kaitlyn quickly continued, "Please, I beg you....I have to see them...I gotta do this for my own peace of mind."

Zack rose from his seat. "Okay," he said, trying to smile at his friend, "let's go."

An hour later, Zack and Kaitlyn were standing in the mortuary lobby, looking at the board listing all the bodies there. Kaitlyn found what she was looking for:

ROOM 2: DAY, ALEXANDRA J.

And a little farther down:

ROOM 8: DAVENPORT, REBECCA L.

They walked down to Room 2 and looked in. Near the coffin containing Alex's body, Kaitlyn spied a blonde woman standing and looking somberly in the coffin. No, it can't be! she thought. It's not possible! Then she remembered the girl in psychology class that went to Braidwood Manor and what she found. Or is it possible?

"Zack....would you mind waiting in the lobby? I need to be alone right now..."

Zack replied shakily, "Frankly, I want to get out of here, period. After finding her last night, right now I...I...I can't...can't see her...her..."

Kaitlyn put her hand on his shoulder. "If you want to leave me here and go, that's okay," she told Zack. "I understand. I'll be okay, and once I'm done here, I'll go get some rest and meet you back at your house at four. Okay?"

Zack put his hand on Kaitlyn's and smiled weakly. "Okay. Thank you."

Kaitlyn watched Zack leave, then she turned and walked to where Alex's body lay. She gently stroked Alex's cheek. "She's so beautiful," Kaitlyn whispered, then said in a normal voice, "Why'd you do it?"

The blonde said plaintively, "I didn't mean to! I didn't mean for this to happen.... I didn't want her to die...I just wanted to make things right between us..."

Kaitlyn turned and faced the blonde. "I know you didn't want her to die," she said gently. "I want to know why you wanted you to die, Becca. Why did you take that dive off the balcony?"

"Because my...." Becca paused. "Wait a second... You know I'm here? You can hear me? Because you're the first person who's even acknowledged my presence since...since...I landed on the street...."

"Kinda surprised me to see and hear you too," Kaitlyn replied, chuckling. "Then I remembered Hannah and her girlfriend and took the chance I wasn't hallucinating. So, I still wanna know: why did you jump?"

"Because..." Becca hesitated, looked in Alex's coffin, then said, "Because she's now dead and I caused it. She drank herself to death because of me...I know it. She drank herself to death because I was a selfish bitch that let my pride get the better of me."

Kaitlyn asked, confused, "How do you figure that?"

"You remember the blowup and breakup after I got accepted to transfer to Hawg," Becca replied. "Well, after it all went down, I knew the way I went about it hurt her....I'd made her cry....I was afraid to chase after her because I didn't want to make her cry again....so I threw myself into my studies, got my J.D., worked my way up to become the youngest District Attorney in California history....there's even talk -- scratch that, there WAS talk -- of me running for Attorney General next year....but...Kaitlyn....all that success, all that that glory...was hollow. It didn't fill the void that Alex left in me when we split up. All that I have -- had -- achieved...meant and means nothing without her... As each day went by...that empty feeling kept getting bigger, kept gnawing at me....It got worse every time I saw her on TV being interviewed after each best-seller she wrote, because she looked so happy without me....Finally, I'd had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk with her and try to make things right...you know the rest....so, yeah, I killed her. I didn't mean for her to die .."

Kaitlyn sighed. "You didn't kill her, Becca. She killed herself. She sent me a suicide note by email," she said.

Becca was puzzled. "If I wasn't what caused her to take her own life, what was?" she asked.

"Well, technically, you were," Kaitlyn answered, "but not in the way you think. It wasn't anything you'd done, but something she'd done. According to her note."

"But...she never did anything to me! She was nothing but good to me!"

A voice came from behind them. "Yes I did, Becs. I did something bad to you. Three times."

Kaitlyn and Becca spun around. "ALEX!!!" Becca cried out.

"The first time was when I acted like a spoiled brat and walked out on you during the law school blowup," Alex continued. "The second time was last night when I gave you hell and walked out on you a second time without giving you a chance to talk....I screwed us both over with that one...had I taken the time to talk and listen, we probably wouldn't be in this situation..."

Kaitlyn looked at Becca. "She got you there, Davenport," Kaitlyn said, then looked at Alex and continued, "but you said three times. That's only twice."

Alex chuckled slightly and said, "Considering that my corpse is in this room, and that Becca's is three doors down because I made the one in here a corpse, number three is kinda obvious, don't you think?"

Becca looked at Kaitlyn and said, "She got you there, Liao."

"Oh, shut up!" Kaitlyn shot back.

Alex walked over and looked at her own body lying in the coffin. "I wish I could take it back, Becca," she said, regret and remorse showing in her voice. "The woman I loved, the woman I longed for, the woman I wanted to hold in my arms again, the woman I wanted to come back to me and take me and make me her wife...came back to me wanting to make things right between us....and I fucked it all up, ruining any chance of that happening...I couldn't take it. My life was over because I couldn't go on another day without her...so I sent Kaitlyn a suicide note via email, grabbed two bottles of tequila, guzzled both down in two minutes flat and...next thing I know... I'm standing up, sober as I can be, looking down at my dead body....".

Alex looked at Becca. "I died needlessly by my own hand. And because I did, you took your own life, also needlessly," she said ruefully. "I killed us...I'm ultimately responsible for both our deaths. Our blood is on my hands...and I can't do anything to make up for it and make it right...and...." She looked at Becca with sorrow and regret in her eyes. "...I have to deal with that for all eternity....I can't take back what I've done...I've condemned us to...to this....and...now...I have to face the fact that..that I caused us to never be together, ever...I'm so sorry, Becca...I never meant for it to be like this...."

"Are....Are you saying you don't love me anymore? You don't want to be with me anymore?" Becca asked dejectedly.

"I love you very much, Becca! I never stopped!" Alex replied. "But... we're dead. All we are now is a pair of ghosts. That sorta puts a stop to being with each other, doesn't it?"

Kaitlyn interrupted. "Umm, Alex... If Eleanor being a ghost didn't stop her and Hanna from being in love and being together, why would it stop you two?"

Alex thought, then looked at Becca. "After all I've done, after all the damage I've caused,":Alex asked nervously, "can you ever find it in you to forgine me?"

"I forgave you a long time ago, my love," Becca said gently. "Can you forgive me?"

Alex put her arms around Becca and kissed her tenderly. "I already have."

Becca put her arms around Alex and returned the kiss passionately. "Will you stay with me and be my woman?"

Alex smiled and looked Becca in the eyes, a deep love replacing the pain and regret that had been there earlier. "I'm yours for all eternity, my love! For all eternity!"

Kaitlyn smiled. It wasn't the way she wished it was, but her friends were back together at last.

[melonlordheroes]

Garon vs. Xander, Take Two (Part 2/FINAL)

Quan: Seems the king's taken a liking to you, Olwen.

Olwen: Fitting. I've taken a liking to the thought of splitting him open with Thunderhead.

Quan: (seriously) We promised, Olwen. Leave Garon for Prince Xander.

Olwen: I know, I know... I'll keep drawing him in then. And attend that Armor once it gets close enough.

Veronica: And I'll patch up Xander- you shouldn't try to fight while wounded like that!

Xander: (soft laugh) This is nothing, Veronica. Don't worry.

-Quan and Olwen back up a bit, baiting Garon away from his soldiers as Xander takes down the axe infantry that's left. The Lance armor resolutely marches toward Xander as a second axecav bolts toward him, only to be smashed away by Siegfried as he gets into range. Garon continues to pursue Olwen, a menacing laugh rumbling deep in his chest as Quan moves Olwen right behind him.-

Quan: There, take your anger out on that armor over there.

-Olwen does some quick mental math.-

Olwen: No.

-And repositions him out of Garon's range. Xander moves to rejoin them, wincing as he holds a bleeding cut on his side from the earlier axe infantry's return fire. Veronica carefully steps up behind him to heal the cut, earning a grateful smile and headpat from the eldest of the Nohrian siblings. With the team now reunited and Garon split off, the Lance Armor advances on them seemingly resigned to his fate... Olwen and Veronica both nod at each other and raise Thunderhead and Hliðskjálf high to attack. The sheer power of the magical blast causes smoke to flood the room, but as it clears...-

Olwen: What... the...

Veronica: FUCK!

Xander: (sternly) LANGUAGE.

Veronica: How did-- we-- HOW DID HE LIVE?!

Olwen: Distant defense, perhaps...

Quan: Fortunately, Gae Bolg is effective enough. Get back into position for Garon's return and I'll take down THIS lout!

-The Manster lord spurs his horse forward to finish off the armor as Garon emerges from the left. Realizing his entire force has been decimated, the Nohrian king screams with anger and runs forward only for Veronica to charge ahead of everyone else with her staff raised.-

Veronica: I THINK NOT!

-The magical blast interrupts Garon's charge, sending him to his knees with a cough but only briefly before he roars and begins to transform with intent to kill Veronica...-

Quan: Damn it-- PRINCESS VERONICA!

Olwen: I won't have time to move her, she's going to have to take that hit--!

-For a brief moment, all of Xander's world goes dark and memories come oozing up from the inky places he'd banished them. A familiar scene is playing in his head of another sibling unfortunate enough to end up in Garon's path. He remembers being told to watch closely as Bolverk came down on one of his treasured sibling's heads... one of the first casualties of the concubine wars. He remembers Garon explaining someday this will be Xander's duty, and he remembers the body being gone before he had time to come back to it. He remembers all of it, but now it's Veronica who's in the crossfire.-

Xander: ...

-He promised to protect her. He promised to protect all of his siblings, but could only hold onto four of them.-

Quan: --YOU NEED TO RUN--

Veronica: --I CAN WITHSTAND IT, I'M SURE OF IT!

-He promised each of them he'd care for them when their father could not. He looked after them, practically raised many of them who would later fall under Siegfried's weight.-

Olwen: --VERONICA, STOP BEING RIDICULOUS AND GET OUT OF THERE!

Veronica: IF I MOVE, HE'LL GET A HIT ON XANDER AND I WILL /NOT/ ALLOW THAT!

-He promised never again.-

Xander: ...

-In that last split second before Garon can reach Veronica, Xander bursts by her with an angry scream. Quan jolts in place, throwing his arm in front of Veronica to keep the Emblian princess from charging after him. Siegfried is glowing with power and rage as Xander slams the sword into King Garon with all the force he can muster. The dragon shrieks with pain but is still able to nail Xander with his breath- the pain eats at him, but Xander is still able to cleanly rip Siegfried through the side of Garon's chest. He's badly injured, barely clinging to life even, but Garon detransforms and hits the floor as little more than a corpse. The group holds their breath as the battlefield door clicks and a red orb takes the place of the fallen king.-

Quan: My god.

Olwen: That was-- Prince Xander, that was amazing!

Veronica: (smile) I knew you could do it.

Xander: While I'm thankful for your attempts to protect me... (huff) Veronica, that was very reckless of you. Please don't risk yourself on my account like that again, all right?

Veronica: You have my w--

-The Battlefield doors crash open as Corrin, Corrinne, Mystery, Robin and Siegbert all fall through it. The dragon twins scramble out of the pile to rush over to Xander while Robin tries to gently kick Mystery off of him. Siegbert leaps to his feet as well, only to wobble and fall back on his butt.-

Corrin: Big brother!

Corrinne: Big brother, are you okay?! We came as soon as we heard from Chrom!

-Xander winces as he dismounts, but still opens his arms for Corrin and Corrine to charge into them. He hugs them both tightly, leaning back to show them the orb.-

Xander: I'm just fine, little royals. ...I'm just fine.

Corrin: Oh, wow, you really did it...

Corrinne: We always knew you could, but still! You really defeated him!

Xander: As I should have all those years ago. (wince) Forgive me, it's going to be a while before I can return to the battlefield with these wounds.

Corrin: We'll take you to Ethlyn and Elise right away--

-Siegbert has finally gotten up and across the floor. Corrin moves out of the way slightly so Siegbert can get in on the hug.-

Siegbert: Father!

Xander: (laughs, reaches around Corrin to ruffle his hair.) Easy now.

Siegbert: I-I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person to witness your victory, father! From what I've been told, my grandfather was--

Xander: (pat) Let's not speak ill of the dead right now. Besides, I'm rather glad you /didn't/ have to see that battle.

Veronica: Considering you charged into a dragon's direct line of fire--

Siegbert: It must've been amazing to see! Painful, I'll grant, but incredibly heroic! Things like that are why I look up to you so much, you know.

Xander: (softly laughs and kisses him on the top of the head before clearing his throat.) Mystery?

Mystery: (now detangled from Robin) Yessir?

Xander: Catch.

-Xander tosses her the Garon orb. Mystery catches it and then proceeds to hold it as if it's hazardous. Robin rolls his eyes.-

Mystery: Ew. Garon ball.

Robin: Really, you had to call it-- (sigh, smile) Congratulations on your victory, Xander. Any opinion on what to do with the orb?

Xander: Dispose of it however you see fit, I suppose. (sigh) My apologies, I'm rather winded from that fight.

Veronica: I'm sorry, if I had more energy I'd heal you myself...

Quan: (leans Gae Bolg on his shoulder) I'm sure Ethlyn can handle it. She and Lachesis both are masterful healers.

Corrin: Guess that settles it- we'll shoulder you.

Siegbert: I'd like to come too, if I may?

Xander: Of course.

Corrinne: (to Mystery) Well, guess it's up to you how it's done but get rid of that orb!

Mystery: Settled, we'll feed him to someone. HEY SAIAS, WANT DISTANT DEFENSE?

Robin: Wh-- WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS! SKILL INHERITANCE DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, NOBODY IS EATING ANYBODY!

-The assembled group leave the Grand Hero Battlefield, Xander being carefully shouldered by his siblings while his son and (sort of) little sister Veronica look on adoringly. Quan and Olwen bring up the rear with relieved smiles, and Mystery has already charged out the door with Robin giving chase. Garon is well and truly defeated, but Xander wasn't the only one who wanted a shot at the king of Nohr...-