#the answer might be that they simply fucked up and corrected it later

[shouldprobablybereading]

Posting this rant here because maybe someone understands but my god I am drawing bridge 4 people and cannot for the life of me make sense of how their jackets are supposed to be constructed. And it’s inconsistent between the supposedly canon depiction in the minifigures and the drawing they used for some announcement a while ago. There is a panel on the jacket which appears to be the opening that has to be closest to the front. But somehow all of the panel that is seen below the belts on the minifigures are suddenly underneath

The only solution I can think of is that the panel ends somewhere underneath the belt and what is seen underneath is some type of undershirt

[heavyhitterheaux]

Dead End

Gif by @harlowgifs 💕

Synopsis: After learning a secret that Scalvo was keeping from you, it leads you both to make a decision regarding it. If everything goes well, the two of you will be together forever. However, if something goes wrong, you might have to live your life without him.

Pairing: Scalvo x Reader

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Read Part 1 and Part 2 first

Scalvo didn’t know how to feel about what your father had told him after he had walked away from him and got into his range rover before exiting the parking garage. After he slid into the driver's seat of his own car and began making his way to meet up with Cobby and Rory, his mind was on overdrive. But the last thing that he ever wanted to do was for you to think that anything was wrong.

Staying away from you?

Your father would probably actually have to kill him for that to even become a reality. He just got you back and didn't plan on letting you go ever again. Scalvo did know that your father's connections ran deep, but he simply wasn't sure how deep. And that's probably where he would need help.

Your father wouldn't be able to do anything about him being with you unless he exposed him for what he really was.

As far as he knew, he had put a number of innocent people in jail and left them there to rot, but that couldn’t possibly be all that he's done over the years. Simply because people HATED this man. Word on the street was if your lawyer was going up against him, that he would definitely lose and that your ass was going to jail.

After the job he was going to do with Cobby and Rory and then figuring out everything with your dad, he was going to be done with this life. He had no idea where he was going to start making that a reality, but as long as he had you by his side he was going to make it happen.

It seemed like you two would argue more and more about what his job entailed after you had figured it out and he would always tell you,

Princess, just one more job

But ever since he told you that the first time, it has turned into many more.

A lot of times, he would wait until you were asleep and simply sneak out of the apartment to do a job and worry about you yelling at him later which would always happen once you woke up and found him missing. His phone would be going off repeatedly because you were about to rip him a new one.

“Hello?”

“Your ass better have a good reason as to why you're not in bed next to me right now.”

“Babe…”

“NO! DO NOT ‘BABE’ ME! WHERE ARE YOU!? If you say you're with Cobby…..”

“Um….”

“SCALVO!”

“I'll be back soon, princess. I promise.”

“You said that the last job you did was going to be your last. Do you know how many you've done since then?”

“Uh, two?” He responded, being unsure of the correct answer.

“Try seven. If you die tonight, you're going to have bigger problems when I find out about it. I'll bring you back and kill you again.”

“Princess, just….”

“Goodnight. The couch will be waiting for you once you come back.”

When you had hung up the phone on him all he did was mutter ‘fuck’ under his breath.

But you were in for a surprise when you heard the front door open at five in the morning and him groaning in pain. He was trying to be quiet in order not to wake you up since he knew you had to be up early for work. Even though you were beyond pissed at him, you stayed up to make sure he made it back home and threw off the comforter to go and check on him.

Walking out into the living room, you were confused when you didn't find him, but quickly gasped as you looked down and noticed a trail of blood. You quickly followed in and found Scalvo in the bathroom at the end of the hallway trying to peel off his shirt that was saturated in blood. You startled him when you called his name.

“BABY!?! WHAT HAPPENED!?”

“It’s not as bad as it looks, just go back to bed. I got it. I'm fine.”

“And leave you bleeding out on the bathroom floor? And how do you know it's not as bad as it looks!? IS THAT A STAB WOUND!? And you have the nerve to say that to a medical professional? Sit down and let me see.”

Not wanting to argue since he knew that you were already mad at him, he simply sat down as you got the saline along with some gauze to start cleaning it. As you cleaned it more and more, you noticed that it was deeper than you thought.

“You need to go to the hospital.” You whispered to him.

“Absolutely the fuck not.”

“It's deep! You need stitches! You act like someone is always out to get you. Our job as medical professionals is to keep you alive, we don't care how it happened. Unless you're in hospice, we see it to the end, but that's another story.”

“Because someone always is!”

“Well whose fucking fault is that? You have pissed me off so much in these last eight hours so I'm removing myself from the situation. Do whatever you want. If you want to die or have it get infected, that's on you. Your blood better be off this damn carpet by the time I get home. I love you, but you make me so mad with how you have me worrying about you all the time.” You told him as you turned to walk away and tears were starting to flow, but he caught your hand to pull you back.

“Baby, wait. I'm sorry, okay? Just… I'll go if you want me to.”

As promised, Scalvo walked back into your shared apartment an hour and a half later because he had stopped to get food for the both of you. He noticed that you weren’t in the living room so he assumed that you were still laying in bed and simply in your shared bedroom watching Fire Country which had been your latest obsession. His main thing was to keep calm and not have you suspect that anything was wrong.

But, he should have known better because you could read him like a book. As soon as he entered the bedroom with the food and drinks in his hand, you eyed him as you sat up against the headboard.

“Babe? Is everything okay?” You asked as he handed you a chai latte which he quickly learned was your favorite.

“Oh, um, yeah. Why do you ask?” He replied while not meeting your eyes.

“You look a little flustered, that’s all. I was just wondering.”

Scalvo was quiet as he made a spread in the front of both of you with different bagels and pastries to choose from along with handing you a veggie omelet. He kissed you before the two of you were eating in silence and Scalvo noticed that every few minutes, you would glance at him. He figured that he should tell you, now. Get it off his chest and get everything out in the open. He simply paused the show that you two were watching and looked over at you.

“Princess, I need to tell you something.” He told you as you were mid bite into your bagel. You slowly turned to look at him and nodded your head.

“You know you can tell me anything, what is it?”

“I’m going to have about three more jobs and then I’m done. I'm serious this time. I… I see what this does to you and see how disappointed you are in me all the time. I already know that you're out of my league and I don't deserve you for how well you treat me despite what I do in order to get money. I was just thinking about when I would sneak off after you were asleep and you would wake up pissed and blowing up my phone. The last time I did that, I ended up getting stabbed and needed stitches. The way you looked at me is…. I never want you to look at me that way again. Please understand that you’re important to me and that I’ll do anything for you. But… this is all I know. I’m going to be better for you because the last thing that I ever want you to do is get fed up waiting for me to be done with this life and end up leaving me. I don’t know what I would do if that happened.”

He couldn't do it yet.

He couldn't tell you that your father had just threatened him, so this was the next best thing.

Nothing that he said wasn't true, his goal was to make it a reality.

His last job was going to be taking down your father for everything he was worth.

He just didn't know what you were going to do once you found out… Or when.

That's why he had to make sure you didn't find out until everything that needed to come up to the surface did.

The two of you sat in silence while you digested what Scalvo had just told you.

“I'm not disappointed in you overall. I'm disappointed in the choices that you make sometimes. You weren't dealt the best hand in life so you had to do what you had to do. I can understand that it's hard for you to be able to visualize what your life might look like without all the mess happening around you. I'm just trying to be patient while you figure it out.” You said being completely honest and Scalvo was surprised.

“That's…. fair.”

“And the reason why I would get so mad at you when I woke up in the middle of the night and you weren't there was because I still have nightmares about me getting kidnapped. It only happens when you aren't here. I needed you and you weren't here.” You told him as you had stopped eating.

“I'm sorry, babe. Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because no matter what I say and how much I want a better life for the both of us, you never listen. It goes in one ear and out the other so why am I even trying? You’re an adult and can make your own decisions. Even though I did say I was trying to be patient, I am not going to wait forever. And to be honest, I don't know how much longer I can take.”

“Baby….. just… a little bit longer. It's going to be different now. By the end of October, I'll be done. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do after but as long as I have you, I'll think of something. I promise.”

All you did was sip on your latte while picking at one of the pastries that you had placed on the plate in front of you.

“Babe?”

“Scalvo, don't promise me anything. Until you are done with this, I will literally worry about you every second in the day when you are not in my line of sight because I have ever since I figured it out. You are worth so much more than this and you know it. I just want a stable life with you and maybe even kids. However, I am not bringing a life into this world until you get your shit all the way together.”

Scalvo’s mouth turned up into a smile and you looked over at him dumbfounded.

“Uh, what is with you?”

“You want to have babies with me?” He asked while still smiling and you rolled your eyes.

“Is that all you got out of that?”

“No, I heard you and I'm going to do this not only for me but for us. Because the longer I do this, there is still a possibility that you could be hurt. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happens. And I don't want my kids to have to visit me in prison.”

“Then you better make sure that a situation like that doesn't happen.”

A few weeks had passed and you noticed that Scalvo had become distracted and distant from you. At first you figured that he was just so focused on trying to do what he needed to do to be done with this life, but now you weren't so sure.

You glanced over at him from the kitchen since you were making the two of you fajitas. Scalvo surprisingly was a good cook and the two of you would alternate. He was simply sitting on the couch and scrolling through his phone while the television was on for background noise. The food still had a little while before it was finished so you made it a point to ask him.

“Babe?”

“Hmm? What's wrong, princess?”

“Something is bothering you and I don't like that very much. You've not only been distracted, but distant. How do I miss my boyfriend when you're right in front of me? Want to share with the class?”

Scalvo was clearly very startled and he looked at you and sighed.

“I've just had a lot going on, that's all. One step closer to us being able to leave this place for good.”

“No, that's not it. Do not sit up here and try to feed me that. So, I'm going to give you another chance to answer my question.”

One thing about Scalvo is that he didn't like when people questioned him, but you were his weakness. All you had to do was tell him to jump and he would ask you how high.

“You really want to know?”

“Obviously. Something is wrong with my boyfriend. I can read you like an open book. I know when you aren't acting like yourself.” You said as you began to play in his curls and he finally spoke.

“Your dad threatened me a month ago to stay away from you, and I wasn't doing that. So I decided to do a little digging of my own about his past and I didn't find anything that he should be proud of.”

“Wait a minute….”

“I didn't want to tell you until it was all over and done with. I don't want to hurt you with this. There are things that…”

“It's my father! How can it not? He knows how much you mean to me! And you know how much my father means to me! Why can't you two just learn to get along? I'm not leaving you, and he's going to be my dad forever.”

“I know, princess. But I'm not going to prison for anyone. Especially someone like him. No offense. That's why I've been avoiding going to dinner with you at their place. In not so many words, he’s going to put me in prison because he knows what I do in order to get money and make sure that I never see you again.”

You massaged your temples while trying to make sense of what Scalvo had just told you before letting him have it.

“ASHER ANTHONY SCALVO!”

“Not you saying my full government.” Scalvo mumbled since this was the first time you had done it and also raised your voice. He was on thin ice with you already, but this for sure took the cake.

“Oh, trust me, I want to say A LOT more. I should mop the floor with your 6’3 ass!”

“Princess, now is not the time for us to be arguing.” Scalvo said as he pleaded with you, but all you did was look at him and cross your arms.

“What did we agree on when we got back together? Remind me for a second.” You asked him as you sat across from him.

Scalvo hesitated because he had broken his promise that he had made you.

“Go on, babe. I'm listening.” You told him and he immediately sighed before answering you.

“That there would be no secrets between us.”

“Mm hmm, so why is it that you are just telling me my father threatened you almost a MONTH later?!”

“I was going to handle it!”

“Handle it without telling me!? Don't you think that is something important for me to know?!”

“Yes, but…”

“But what!?”

“I found out some things about your dad and I…. You aren't going to look at him the same and you're not going to like it. I wasn't about to tell you anything until I finished doing what I had to do, but it seems like it couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to lie when you asked me why I've been so distracted and distant lately.”

“I already don't look at him the same because of what he did to your dad, but I want to know. Baby, tell me.”

“Y/N….”

“I can handle it! Just tell me. What are you hiding from me?”

“First of all, I am not hiding a damn thing from you. You need to talk to your parents about that one because they've been lying to you for your entire life. I always say that I wish I had still had both of my parents, but not if they did some fucked up shit like this.”

“I am about to yell your entire government again if you don't fucking tell me. What the hell could they have been lying about for my entire life?!”

“Yeah, you've been around me too long. Every other word that comes out of your mouth is starting to be ‘fuck'”

“SCALVO!”

“Fine. Here. Don't say I didn't warn you.” He told you as he slid a few papers towards you.

He looked at you as he watched your facial expression go from pissed off to disbelief.

“No this isn't real. You're lying.” You finally said as you looked up at him.

He was looking at you sympathetically before he answered.

“Why the hell would I lie about that? You're my girlfriend and the only person that I give a fuck about in this world. I love you and you think I would hurt you on purpose?” He asked, confused.

You scoffed before throwing the stack of papers back towards him.

“Oh, how quickly we forget? You did fucking hurt me when you broke up with me and disappeared without a fucking trace. So don't even give me that.”

“Baby, I'm not doing this with you right now. We have bigger fucking problems. It's real. If you don't believe me, go and ask the man that you thought was your father.”

“I need to leave.” You told him without missing a beat as you stood up heading into the bedroom with him quickly following.

“You aren't going anywhere. You need to calm down for a second. And it's almost 10 at night.”

“Who are you? My father? Oh and that's right, I don't even know my real one and besides how are you going to tell me to calm down!? I just found out that the man that I call my father isn't who he says he is.” You said as you turned around to look at him before heading over to your closet.

“Princess, we'll get through this, I promise. I know that this is a lot to take in, but I'm right here with you. I just want you safe. Just… let's go back and sit down and talk about this.” Scalvo pleaded with you as he grabbed your hand, but you quickly pulled your hand back.

“Fuck your promises! That's what you ALWAYS do. Promise me this and promise me that! My life has gone to shit ever since I met you and I'm mad at myself for loving you so much. I need to be by myself for a minute.”

“Y/N, you know good and damn well that I never meant for any of this to happen. I am not leaving you by yourself like this.”

“Hmm. You sure? Remember you've had your eyes set on my father's downfall from the beginning and got close to me so that it would be easier. Despite you saying that you didn't know who I was. You could have been lying the entire time. How do I even know this is real? How do I know that you even love me?”

“Are you fucking serious right now? Now you are saying a whole bunch of bullshit. If I didn't love you, when Don had kidnapped you, I would have let him put a fucking bullet in your head. But did I do that? Is that honestly what you think of me?”

“So, what do you want? A thank you? Wouldn't have happened in the first place if you didn't piss him off.”

“Y/N…. None of this was ever meant to hurt you.”

“Well you should've thought about that in the beginning, huh? So what's your plan? Blackmail? Put him in jail?”

“I…”

“You know what? Never mind.” You told him as you slipped a hoodie over your head and your shoes.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere to get the fuck away from you.”

“Baby… I'm not the enemy here. He is. He hurt you and deserves to pay for what he did. He has done wrong by everyone in his life and you have taken the biggest hit. I just want to protect you.”

“Don't fucking call me that. And it sounds like you want to protect yourself. He would never intentionally hurt me.” You fired back at him as you grabbed your pink Coach wallet along with your keys.

“You don't have any idea what he is capable of. He only shows you the side that he wants you to see.”

You ignored him and Scalvo watched you leave while slamming the front door behind you. He ran a hand through his messy hair before going into the kitchen and turning the stove off since he noticed that the food was now finished. After putting everything away, he opened his phone to see where you were since you had taken your wallet with you.

It showed him that you weren't too far from home at a 24 hour diner which he knew you loved ever since you were younger. You were mad at him, that was obvious, but not mad enough for you to turn off your location. But even if you did, you were still carrying the air tag.

Because how is he supposed to tell you that there was more?

More as in James had your mother killed because she was a witness in a case that he was prosecuting. To make sure that he won, he had to eliminate the problem. Since that now made you an orphan because she was a single mother, he decided to do one thing that would make this right in his eyes.

He adopted you and changed your name.

Your mother didn't have any family that he knew of so someone coming to look for you would be unlikely.

It was the perfect plan

Until Scalvo unraveled it.

It was about three in the morning when Scalvo finally heard the front door open letting him know that you were finally back. He heard you shuffle around the kitchen for a few minutes before he heard your footsteps making their way in the direction of the bedroom.

Scalvo was sitting on the side of the bed when you finally walked in. The two of you made eye contact and you weren't quite sure if you wanted to speak first.

But you did.

“I'm sorry for blowing up on you earlier, but I take it that you understand why I did it. You mean a lot to me and so do my parents so right now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Even if they aren't my biological parents. They raised me. I'm also sorry for accusing you of not loving me because I know you do. The things you do for me, you won't do for anyone else. I know that hearing me say that hurt your feelings. I saw the look in your eyes.”

All Scalvo did was open his arms for you to come towards him and once you did, he immediately slid you into his lap and kissed your cheek.

“It was a lot to take in. I was going to tell you eventually, but I didn't want to lie to you. I love you and you’re my person.”

“I love you back tenfold. I'm so proud of you for keeping up with therapy even when we broke up. I respect that you told me the truth when I asked and I'm glad you were open with me.” You told him as you brushed a hand through his curly hair.

“Everything that I'm doing is me taking steps to be the boyfriend that you deserve. You don't want someone who's shut off from the world all the time. And there's something else though but you were too upset earlier and I didn't want to add to it. I don't know if you'll want to hear this now or later.”

“Be the boyfriend that I deserve, but also be the person that I know you can be. And you might as well tell me.”

“Um, okay. James had your biological mother killed when he found out that she was a key witness in a case that he was prosecuting. He knew that if she ended up testifying that he was going to lose. She was a single mother and I can't find any of your other family. That's probably why it was so easy for him to adopt you. I can show you everything if you want me to.”

You sat there in silence taking it all in as you hugged Scalvo tighter. He gave you a few minutes and noticed that you were deep in thought.

“I guess it's literally me and you against the world now, huh?” You told him as you laid your head on his shoulder as tears started to silently fall down your cheeks.

“It was always that way from the beginning. If he deserves anything at this point, it's to take him down for what he did to you. When all of this is over, we can leave and never come back.”

“He killed my mom, so I want him to burn.”

“We just have to be patient. For now, my priority is making sure my princess gets some sleep.”

You nodded your head as you got up and took a quick shower before getting changed into your pajamas. Walking back in the bedroom, you slid in next to Scalvo and he quickly wrapped his arms around you.

When you woke up later that morning, you laid there for a while as you scrolled through your phone while stealing glances at Scalvo every few minutes since you were facing him.

Before you had gone to sleep, you had called out of work because you only getting two hours of sleep wasn't going to be enough. With all that Scalvo had told you last night there was no way that you would be able to focus and then an idea suddenly popped into your head. More than likely your father would be at his office meaning that your mom would be home alone. This was the perfect opportunity for you to ask her, but her main concern would probably be how you found out. Scalvo already had a target on his back from your dad, so there was no way you would give up an answer if she asked.

Putting your phone back down on the nightstand, you turned back around and started playing with Scalvo’s curls. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he quickly smiled at you.

“Hi, princess.”

“Hi.”

“You’re not working today?” He asked you and you quickly shook your head no.

“I wouldn't be able to focus with everything going on, so I decided to take a mental health day. But, I think I should talk to my mom about this.”

If you didn't have all of his attention before, you definitely had it now.

“And tell her what, exactly?”

“Just ask her and see if she's honest with me. I'm obviously not going to tell her how I found out because you have a target on your back from my dad already. But just her, not him.”

“Truth be told, I really don't want you around them anymore.”

“I know, but we have to do what we have to do, right?”

“Yes, so I can put a baby in you.”

“Scalvo!” You exclaimed as you hit his shoulder and laughed.

“What? What I do?”

You simply shook your head as you smiled at him.

“What time are you going over there?”

“Probably around two.”

“Oh, good. We have enough time then.”

“Enough time for what?”

Scalvo didn’t respond to your question and simply moved so that he was hovering over top of you. His fingers slipped into the waistband of your shorts and slowly started to pull them down before he threw them off the side of the bed.

“Enough time for me to eat you out. It is my favorite meal.” He told you as he proceeded to spread your legs.

Scalvo was still eating you out when his phone kept going off.

“Baby, ignore it.” You told him as you held onto his curls making sure he didn't move.

It rang for the fifth time when he rolled his eyes and grabbed it off the nightstand. When he saw who it was all he did was sigh before answering.

“Hold on, baby. Because his ass is going to keep calling me until I answer.”

“But…”

“Thirty seconds, princess. I promise.”

“Fine.”

“Cobby, what the hell do you want? Your ass called me five times in a row so this shit better be important.”

“Hi to you too. Did you miss me?”

“I will hang up if you don't tell me what you want. I'm eating my girl out and here you come bothering me.” Scalvo told him and you quickly laughed before hitting him.

“Nasty little fuckers. TMI. Oh! Put me on speaker phone, I want to say hi to Y/N!”

“NO! What do you WANT!?”

By this time, you had started touching yourself and Scalvo had given you a warning look which just led to you smirking.

“Um, I forgot. Wait a minute, it'll come to me.”

“I'm not waiting for a damn thing. Bye.” Scalvo told him as he was ready to toss his phone back on the nightstand, but quickly heard his protests.

“WAIT! I remember. Are we still meeting later?”

“You know your ass could have sent me a damn text to ask me that?”

You simply sucked on your fingers before reaching down to massage your clit and Scalvo pinched your side in an attempt to tell you to stop but you shook your head no.

“Yes, but I love your voice so much. I missed it.”

“Cobby you get on my FUCKING nerves. The answer is yes. Now bye.”

“Make sure you kids use protection!”

“BYE COBBY!”

Once he had hung up the phone, he looked down at you and simply stared at you for a few minutes.

“If you make yourself cum, I will edge you for a fucking week. Move your damn hand.”

“Well then hurry up. I told you not to answer it.”

By the time you reached your parents house it was almost three in the afternoon. Your mom was surprised to see you and since you didn't want to bombard her with questions from the minute you stepped inside, the two of you made lunch together and were now sitting across from one another eating when you finally spoke up.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, doll? What's wrong?”

“Who's Riley Carter?” You asked and you saw all of the color drain from your mother's face. She cleared her throat before she answered you.

“Where did you get that name?”

“It doesn't matter where I got it. All that matters is that you two have been lying to me for twenty-eight years.”

“Y/N….”

“Or do you mean Reagan? Because that's my real name isn't it? Given to me by my real mother?”

“I… there are just some things that were complicated and we thought it was best not to tell you.”

“Oh like having my mother murdered so that your husband could win his case? He would have lost if she had taken the stand.” You replied as you took a sip of your blueberry lemonade.

“Look, no matter what I say, you're going to find fault in it. All I can tell you is that I'm sorry. Even if you don't want to hear it. Your father is…. I didn't find out a lot that he had done until you were damn near eighteen. By that time, he had threatened me not to tell you anything. When we met, he already had you and told me that your mother was killed leaving him to be a single father. You were about nine months old. Despite everything that he has done, I do love him.”

“And you were just going to keep this a secret?”

“To be honest, yes. The less you know, the less danger that you would be in. I can't have my only daughter taken away from me.”

“What? Why? What are you talking about?”

“Your father has a lot of people that don't like him. They would hurt you in order to hurt him or if you piss him off enough, he'll hurt you himself. That's why you were always in boarding school and have my mother's maiden name. All to protect you.”

“Hmm, that sounds familiar.” You responded when you thought about what Cobby had told you regarding your boyfriend.

“I figure that I know too much. If I were to divorce him, he would not get over that easily. Just as he had her killed, he would probably do the same thing to me. That's why I stayed. To keep an eye on you and hopefully not be killed. All your father craves is money and power. He hasn't loved me for a long time and I know it. At one point, he definitely did, but not now.”

“Mom… you cannot just stay here with him.”

“What other choice do I have? Look, all I want is for you to be safe. I know Asher was probably the one to tell you all of this. If anything, I want you to stay as far away from your dad as possible, both of you. I'll be fine. But just know that both of us love you. Well at least I do. I can’t speak for him. If you get in his way, he probably wouldn’t hesitate to do something to you.”

You nodded your head to tell her that you understood.

“There's one more thing. Your father is trying to have Asher arrested and put in prison. There's not a lot of evidence, but enough to put him away for a while. I’m guessing five to seven years. I overheard him one night talking about it. That was a while ago so there's literally only a matter of time before it happens. I like him and I know how much you love him and figured that you should know. Your father doesn't know that I heard him talking about it. He had it out for him ever since he recognized him the first time you brought him over to meet us. Anyone who is associated with Mr. Besegai, he doesn’t like them. All because of a deal they made gone wrong.”

Hearing this made your heart drop as well as speed up within the same minute.

“Chin up, baby girl. They can't convict him if they can't find him.” Was all she told you before she smiled and winked at you.

After leaving your parents house, you immediately called Scalvo and he picked up on the second ring. All you heard was him arguing with Cobby which was the usual.

“COBBY, NO! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE! MOVE! JUST LET ME DO IT. Oh, hi princess. Everything okay? I miss you.”

“I miss you too and no. Everything is not okay. Where are you?” You told him as your thoughts were running a mile a minute.

“What's wrong? I'm with the dumbass of the century where I usually always am when I’m not with you.”

“HEY!” was all you heard indicating Cobby screaming in the background.

“I can't tell you over the phone. I need to tell you in person.”

“Uh, princess, you got me nervous over here.”

“Just send me your location and when I get there everyone needs to turn their phones off.”

“Okay, will do.”

Once you had reached the docks which you quickly learned was their infamous meeting spot, you ran up the steps and were soon face to face with Scalvo and Cobby arguing. Cobby was the first to notice you.

“Wait a minute, since when is it ‘bring your girlfriends to work day?’ If it was today, no one told me.” He asked, but his expression turned into concern once he saw the look on your face.

“Um, Y/N?”

“Well as of right now it is. And Cobby, you don’t even have a girlfriend. What is going on?” Scalvo asked as he approached you and he could tell that you were about to cry.

“Turn your phones off and I'll tell you.” You told them as you turned your own off. Once all of the phones were sitting face down in the center of the table, you took a deep breath before speaking.

“Cobby, I don't know how much of this concerns you, but more than likely they’ll be coming for you too.”

“Now why am I in it!?”

“Princess, what are you talking about? Why do you look like you're about to cry?”

“You were right. He has enough evidence to send you to prison, at least five to seven years if you’re convicted and best believe he would make sure that you are. My mom told me she overheard him a while ago talking about it. She also told me that she wants both of us to stay far away from him. We have to leave before they decide to arrest you. She's scared of him too and what he might do if she tries to divorce him.”

“I'm not leaving until we get his ass arrested for what he's done.”

“Did you not hear me? You could get arrested before he does! We need to leave!”

“And go where, Y/N? I cannot let him keep getting away with hurting people.”

“Well, all my mom said before I left was that they can't convict you, if they can't find you. We need to go somewhere that they can't arrest you and bring you back here for a trial.”

“Cuba.” Was all you heard Cobby say.

“That’s actually the smartest thing that I’ve ever heard you say.” You told him and all he did was smile before taking a bow.

“I need a passport. How the fuck am I going to do that?”

“Didn't you get across the Canadian border when you went with me when we first started dating? Whatever you did then, you need to do the same thing now.”

Scalvo was clearly frustrated as he ran a hand through his curls as he pulled at a few of them. You quickly took his face in your hands and made him look at you.

“Now is not the time for you to shut down on me. What did we just talk about? You don’t want our kids having to visit their father in prison so we need to come up with a plan and we need to do it now. The sooner we leave, the better. You cannot go home because I don't know what he's going to do. And Cobby, you are more than welcome to go with him, but your chances of getting caught are going to be higher.” You knew right now that you had to be the strong one to make sure that he kept his head on straight.

“I'll go to Canada instead.” Cobby told you and you simply nodded.

“Okay.” Was all Scalvo quietly said.

“You’re still going to need a passport, but getting on a plane will be a give away since you have to go through TSA. Um, you could drive to Florida. Miami specifically. My uncle has a boat so he is in and out of the port making deliveries to different places. One of his stops is in Havana. You get off and stay at the beach house I have gifted to me by my grandparents on my mother's side. He'll show you where it is and I have a key I can give you. My dad doesn't know about it. Use cash because they'll obviously be able to track you if you use a bank card.”

“I…. I see why you're with her, Scalvo. Very smart.” Cobby mentioned as he was looking at the both of you.

“But where does that leave you? I'm not leaving you in Boston. It's not safe for you here anymore.”

“As much as I hate the idea, you're going to have to.” You quietly told him and knew that this wasn't going to go over well.

“No, absolutely not. You see what being separated does to us. You already got hurt once because of me. I'm not about to let it happen again.”

“I know you don't like it but we have to think. My father knows that I'm not going to leave your side. It will be a sure way for you to get caught. Besides, I have a whole bunch of loose ends to tie up here. Me leaving abruptly will cause not only alarm, but panic. We have to do this discreetly. I promise to come to Havana as soon as I can. I will set you up with everything you need and you can be on your way in less than an hour. Cobby, I need you to release everything about my father on social media, but only when I tell you to.”

“You got it, boss. Scalvo, I see why you were so depressed when you two broke up, now. Go and do what you two need to do. I got it from here.”

Before you got into your car, you told Scalvo to follow behind you and once the two of you got to your apartment to simply wait in the parking garage while you ran upstairs to gather all of his belongings for him.

You were packing all of his things through blurry vision as tears were streaming down your face because of what this new reality would be. After you made sure to get all of his clothes, shoes, and toiletries, you were doing one last check when you opened his drawer on the bedside table to make sure nothing important was in it. But there was, in the back corner, a blue box.

But not any blue box.

It was from Tiffany's.

You were debating on if you should grab it, and after a few minutes of contemplating, you threw it into his bag and made your way back downstairs to the garage.

If that was your engagement ring, this was one hell of a way to find out.

He was leaning against the driver's side door as you approached him and handed him all of his bags to put into the backseat. You stared at your feet because the tears were steadily coming down your face now with no sign of stopping any time soon.

Scalvo put his finger under your chin to lift your head up to look at him. Once you did, an immediate sniffle came out as you choked back a sob.

“Hey, hey. None of that, okay? It's going to be fine.” He told you as he tightly embraced you and kissed the top of your head.

“I just wish I could go with you right now. But this is the best plan I could come up with on such short notice.”

“And your plan is going to work. You won't hear from me until I'm in Havana so don't freak out. Last thing I want is for them to be able to track me somehow.”

“Okay. I'll let my uncle know that you're coming. He owes me a favor anyway.”

Scalvo nodded his head before reaching down to give you several kisses.

“I love you, princess. So much.”

“And I love you. Please stay safe. I need you in one piece.”

“Same goes for you. I'll see you in Havana.”

Two days had passed and you figured that Scalvo had reached Miami by now. The two days had been the longest two days of your life. As soon as he left, you looked it up on your phone how long it would take for him to get down there and it told you that it would take about 22 hours driving. Knowing Scalvo, he probably wouldn’t have stopped until he was halfway and you were also hoping he took some time to rest. But when you lived a life where you were constantly looking over your shoulder. You weren’t so sure.

Your mind was put at ease when your phone vibrated on the table and you had gotten a text from your uncle.

Favorite Uncle Max- Safe with me

You let out a breath that you didn't realize that you had been holding and choked out a sob. You knew that this was going to be hard, but it was only temporary. You had to keep reminding yourself of that. Soon the two of you would be back together without being scared that you would be ripped apart from each other at any moment.

Not wanting to leave a trail, you sent him a thumbs up before deleting both text messages. Don’t leave them breadcrumbs if you don’t want to be found. You wanted to keep him as safe as you possibly could. For a while, you began to sell a lot of things in your apartment because you didn't plan on taking them with you. Your plan was to sell everything, quit your job the day before you left, and then leave in the middle of the night. Your job was already made aware that you were making moves to exit as an employee, so you took on the task of training the new hire that would take your place when you finally chose to do so.

You were also trying to convince your mother to come with you. You hadn't told her everything, but you did tell her that it would be wise if she was not in Boston when the news broke about your father. She told you that she would let you know when she made a decision. Knowing how stubborn she was, you would have to fight her tooth and nail for her to come with you. But, you could understand. Bottom line was that she was scared. Seeing the fear in her eyes was the first time in your life that you were worried for her safety as well as yours.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and that instantly made you nervous. There were only a handful of people that knew where your new apartment was and wasn't expecting anyone. Glancing at the clock, you saw it was around seven at night before you went to open the door.

Answering the door, you were face to face with two officers.

Hmm, too bad. You knew why they were here and they were approximately forty-eight hours too late and your boyfriend had gotten away.

“Good evening, Ms. Lawson. We're looking for someone and were told that he might be here. Also came to do a wellness check on you. You might know him as Scalvo, but we know him as Asher.”

“I'm fine. No one is here except me.” You quickly told them as you blocked their view to look inside the apartment.

Your father must have sent them. He was slowly starting to execute his plan, so that meant that there would only be a matter of time before you told Cobby that everything was a go. By that time, you planned on being on your uncle’s boat in the middle of the ocean heading to Havana.

“Do you mind if we take a look?”

“Not without a warrant.”

“Well it's a lucky day for us because we have one.” One of them told you as he held it up.

You had nothing to worry about because it was if you had erased any trace of Scalvo actually living there. Being that your father was a lawyer, you knew what they looked for and what they needed, so the best idea was to get rid of it all.

“Hmm, make it short and sweet. I have things to do.”

“Won’t take long, promise.”

You sat and watched in disbelief as they rummaged through your apartment without any respect or regard for any of your things. Who knows how long it would take for you to clean the mess that they made.

Once they were finished, you crossed your arms over your chest and looked at both of them.

“Find what you were looking for?”

“Sorry to disturb you ma'am. We'll be on our way. If Scalvo does show up, make sure you call us.”

“You do that and if we cross paths then I will.”

The next few weeks went by in a blur and you just couldn't wait to be back in Scalvo's arms. You hadn't felt well for the past two and figured that you should get looked at. It was only a matter of time before you would be leaving for Cuba. Everything needed to be fine before you decided to leave Boston for good and start a new life with nothing hanging over your head.

Your doctor Rachel was eyeing you as you were telling her all of the symptoms that you had been having. She had quickly become one of your favorite people since you had moved back. She was a straight shooter that didn’t sugarcoat anything. Of course, it did also help that you two went to boarding school together for a few years.

“I need you to pee in a cup for me.”

“For what? Do you think that will tell you what's going on with me?”

“Y/N, for your first question, I am 99% sure that you're pregnant and for the second question, yes.”

“Wait, no. I can't possibly be pregnant.” You said to Rachel and she just stared at you.

“Are you having sex?”

“Yes.”

“With protection?”

“Well…”

“Okay then that settles it. Go pee.” She said as she handed you the cup as you sighed.

He was supposed to be here for this.

Scalvo was supposed to be here.

Once Rachel told you that you were pregnant, all you saw was tunnel vision. You wanted kids, but definitely not this soon and under these circumstances. There was still so much for you to do until you could leave without having any loose ends. You wanted to be safe and free of worries, the last thing you wanted to be was stressed out how you were now.

As you were driving, you glanced down at your stomach and simply placed your hand there.

“Hi, it's mommy. It's very scary out here right now so I'm going to do my best to keep you safe until it's time for you to come out. Your daddy is going to be so happy when he finds out about you. He's not here right now, but we'll meet up with him soon and we'll all be together and be safe. I promise.”

Once you reached your apartment, as you were putting in the key, you noticed that the door was already unlocked. Knowing that you locked it before leaving, you took out your pepper spray from your bag before entering. When you reached the living room, you saw your father standing there sipping on a glass of whiskey that you recognized from your cabinet.

“How did you get in here?” You asked as you made sure to keep your distance.

“I had to come and check on you myself because my only child is dodging my calls left and right. So as any worried parent, I came to see you.”

“Well, you definitely broke into my apartment and entered without my consent. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you back. You can see yourself out.”

“Not so fast, baby girl. Why the hostility towards me?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions. You aren’t even my real father and you had my mother murdered who was the star witness in a case you were prosecuting because you didn’t want to lose. You took me in and changed my name because eventually you felt guilty. Trying to right your wrongs.”

“Hmm, I see nothing gets past you.”

“That’s really all you have to say? After everything you've done?”

“I took you in, fed you, clothed you, sent you to the top boarding school in the entire country and this is the thanks I get? You dating a criminal? And hiding him?”

“Don’t bring him into this. That was all you. You made those decisions on your own and you were an adult.” You fired back at him.

“He has nothing to offer you and he especially won’t have anything to offer you when I get his ass arrested and put in jail for all that he's done over the years. Including robbing me and holding me at gunpoint in my own home. Oh, you didn’t think I knew? Don’t look so surprised. I’ll make sure he’s convicted and sent to a prison far away. My money and connections are long, sweetheart. You have no idea. My daughter is not dating someone like him.”

“I’m not your daughter, so why do you care so much?”

“You are my daughter whether you like it or not. I know you’re hiding him and it’s only a matter of time before I figure out where. There's only so many places in Boston that he could be. Time is running out and I suggest you tell him to turn himself in. If you do that, I’ll make sure he only does two to three years. But, when he gets out you can never see him again. You have forty-eight hours until this offer expires. Keep in mind, you don’t want to be arrested for hiding a fugitive. Just as I can make your little boyfriend disappear, I can do the same to you if you disobey me. Good seeing you, sweetie.” He told you as he got up from the couch and made his way over to you, but you immediately backed up again to put some distance in between the two of you.

“You’ll see that this is the right decision when all of this is said and done. Tell Scalvo to stop hiding and we can settle this.”

As soon as your father closed the door behind him to your apartment, you stood there for a minute in disbelief. He admitted to doing it, but there was not an ounce of remorse for what he had done.

It couldn’t wait any longer, you needed to leave as soon as possible. From that point, you started throwing the last of your things in your suitcases and ran them down to your car before coming back up and taking one last walk through. There wasn't much left, but there was enough for you to have to make multiple trips. By now, you couldn’t call the rent office to break your lease or call your job to tell them that you quit. It wasn’t only your safety that was compromised now, it was your baby’s.

As soon as you were settled into your car, you called your mom. As much as she had lied to you, the last thing that you would ever want is to see her get hurt by the hands of your father. It took a while, but she eventually answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Mom! We need to leave and we need to leave now. He knows what I’m doing. I need to keep you safe too.”

“I have a bag packed. Is everything ready to be released?” She calmly asked you knowing that she was talking about all of the evidence stacked up against your father that he had no idea you knew about. He obviously just thought you knew about your birth mother and not his entire track record.

“Yes, all I have to do is tell someone to hit a button.”

“I’ll grab whatever else I can and meet you at the end of the street. I don't know where he is and hopefully he doesn't come back any time soon. I don't want to risk it, so the sooner we leave, the better.”

As you raced over to your parents house, your mind was all over the place. This was happening. This was really happening. You had a picture perfect life before you met Scalvo. A little too perfect. Despite everything that came with being with him, you wouldn’t have chosen anyone else.

He opened your eyes to see the person that your father truly was and as much as it hurt for you to do this, no one else deserves to get hurt by him. You knew that he would easily probably get multiple years in prison. He put on a very convincing front. He gave you the world as you were growing up and anything you asked him to do for you, he would without a second thought. Where did that man go? The one who would never dream of threatening his wife or his ‘daughter’.

The main thing now that you had to focus on was healing. Healing for your peace of mind as well as your child’s. You were going to be somebody’s mother for the rest of your life and they needed parents that they could depend on.

Your mother was right where she said she would be when you finally pulled up at the end of the street. She quickly got into the car and you began driving as fast as you could to get away from the area to make your way down to Miami. You figured that you could simply leave your car at your uncle’s house and come back to get it whenever.

“Mom?” You said quietly, but it still came out shaky nonetheless.

“You’re scared, I know. But it’s going to be okay, I promise. I’ve protected you for this long and I’ll be damned if I were to stop now. Where are we headed?”

“Miami. Uncle Max’s boat to Havana. Oh and please tell me you turned off your phone?”

“Good girl. I knew I raised you right and even better, I left it there and he has no idea that I’m gone and that you’re gone for that matter.”

“When we get closer, I’ll turn my phone back on to let him know and then we’ll be free. No more worrying and we can start over.”

“I can’t wait for that, baby girl. I really can’t. It’s been too long.”

“There’s one more thing.” You said as you focused on the road as you changed lanes.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“I’m not only doing this for Scalvo, but for you as well as someone else.”

“Who?”

You simply grabbed her hand and placed it on your stomach as you saw her face light up in awe.

“I’m going…. I’m going to be a grandma?!” She exclaimed as you eagerly nodded your head yes.

“That’s the plan and Rachel literally just told me earlier today before I got an unwelcome visit from your husband.”

“I know that nothing I can say at this point will make you forgive me, but I’m going to make this right. Does Asher know? I guess not since you just found out today.”

“Telling me the truth is a step in the right direction. And no, we’re not communicating right now because we don’t want to leave a trail or give them any leads.”

“I can’t wait to see the look on his face once you do.”

The sun was beginning to set when you and your mother stepped foot in Havana. Your Uncle Max knew someone that would take all of you towards the beach house and there was only a matter of time before you would be reunited with the love of your life. The ride was a short one, but in your mind it was taking forever. Your leg was bouncing in anticipation and your mother quickly laid her hand on top of it to steady it as she grabbed your hand with the one that was free.

As soon as the car pulled up to the house, your mom nudged you.

“Go say hi to your man.”

You jumped out of the car and took the steps two at a time as the driver was helping your mom with all of the bags. You took out your spare key and opened the door before stepping into the house as you took a deep breath.

It looked the same as it had the last time you were here three years ago, except now, you found a sleeping Scalvo in the living room in front of the television with the volume turned down low. You smiled to yourself as you made your way over to him. You simply ran a hand through his curls and his eyes fluttered open to see you in front of him. By the time that he recognized that it was you standing in front of him, his eyes went wide as he immediately kissed you before embracing you. He continued to kiss you all over your face as you couldn't keep yourself from laughing.

“I told you that your plan would work.” He whispered in your ear as he kissed the shell of it and you simply nodded as you hugged him tighter.

“Come hell or high water, nothing was about to keep me from you. I missed you so much.”

“I think I missed you more. Actually I know I did.” Scalvo told you as he lightly brushed his fingers against your cheek.

“There’s something that I have to tell you.”

“What? You okay? We don't have to…”

“I’m fine, everything’s fine. We don't have to leave again.” You said as you cut him off.

“Then what, princess?”

“You have no idea how good it is to hear you call me that. But um, I brought someone with me.”

“Who?”

You simply picked up Scalvo’s hand and placed it on your stomach and smiled. His eyes went wide once again and looked at you in disbelief.

“I… there's a baby in there?”

“Our baby is in there. I found out a few days ago, right before I left and I got an unpleasant visit by the person that calls himself my father.”

“Do we know if it's a boy or a girl yet? And what did he say to you?”

“It's still too early to tell, but whatever it may be, they're going to have the best dad in the world. And he basically told me that I needed to tell him where you were or he was going to have me arrested for hiding you. I left that night and brought my mom.”

Before Scalvo could respond to you, your mom walked in and smiled at the scene in front of her. But, Scalvo hopped up from the couch and held his distance.

“What is she doing here?” He asked you as you did your best to calm him down.

“It's fine. She's the one who told me to hide you in the first place, remember? We can trust her.”

“How do I know that?”

“Okay, Asher. I get it, but I promise that you can trust me. I've hurt Y/N enough and I have a lot of making up to do for it. When I first found out that he was going to try and convict you, I debated on saying anything not knowing if he was serious or not because James would never hurt Y/N by doing something to you, but I was wrong. I'm glad that I did say something. I've always liked you and she's never been happier. I know it will take a while for me to gain your trust and I'm totally okay with that.” Your mom explained and he simply nodded.

“Oh, and I forgot to mention this. I told Cobby to release it. Only a matter of time now before he's arrested.”

A few days had passed and you and your mom were getting settled in Havana as best as you could. James did end up getting arrested for everything that he did and he was currently in jail and had been denied bond. The next step was him awaiting for his trial to begin.

You and Scalvo were currently walking on the beach hand-in-hand when he suddenly broke the silence.

“You saw the Tiffany's box that was in my drawer?” He asked and you turned to him and nodded.

“I did, but I didn't open it. I figured when you wanted me to see it that I would. I had a feeling that I already knew what it was.” You said as you smiled.

“So, what is it then since you already know?”

“My engagement ring. You love me and can't live without me. I got kidnapped for you and hid you in a different country. And now I'm carrying your baby? We are locked in for life.” You told him as you reached up to pinch his cheek.

“Hmm, good point. Well, since you know everything, are you going to give me an answer?” He asked as he let go of your hand and kneeled down on one knee and finally opened the box so you could see the ring.

“Was that you asking me? Because that was terrible.” You told him as the both of you began laughing.

“Y/N, from the first moment I saw you, I knew that there was something different about you. You intrigued me and not many people do that. You were patient and you still are as you love me through all of my faults as I'm trying to learn how to navigate this new life that I have all thanks to you. You are literally the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't take having you in my life for granted. We've been through hell and back and there is no one that I'd rather do life with. Now Y/N, will you be the Bonnie to my Clyde?”

“Your ass would have to say something like that, but my answer is yes.” You told him as he slipped on the ring and stood up to kiss you.

“You’re stuck with me now, princess.” He told you as he lightly ran his fingers across your cheek.

“Bonnie and Clyde for life, right?”

“Damn right and now we're the ones calling the shots.”

“Hmm, it's ironic really.” Scalvo started to say and you looked at him and smiled.

“As long as no one finds out we're fine.”

“Never thought my bougie girlfriend now turned fiancée's family were drug lords especially my soon to be mother-in-law.”

“I was just as surprised as you were, and it looks like I got you out of one thing and into another.”

“But it'll be different this time. I know you don't like it but…”

“And why is that?”

“It's the family business, so I have to contribute, right?”

You sighed before you stopped walking again as you turned to him.

“My mom paid the police department and FBI so I figured that you can't get arrested so I MIGHT allow it. They can't touch any of us.”

“Good because I already asked your mom and she said yes.”

“She WHAT? Me and her are going to have to have a serious talk.”

“Clyde is going to need his Bonnie though.” He said and you couldn't help but to smirk.

“If you get yourself killed, I'm bringing you back and killing you again and then divorcing you.”

“Well damn, now that definitely sounds like something the daughter of a queen pin would say. And it looks like this dead end wasn't so dead after all.”

[readingunderstars]

Blue Dream - Two

Sypnosis: After a tense conversation with Julian, Ria encounters Ellie at Sasha’s party.

Warnings: 18+!! recreational drug use, underage drinking, cheating, sexual content

Word Count: 5.6k

⊰✭⊱

Ria awoke the following morning to the sound of her phone ringing. Groaning, she dragged her arms around the bed, trying to locate the source of the worst possible sound on Earth. Uncovering it from the sheets, Ria squinted her eyes and found Julian’s face on the screen. It was a photo from freshman year of high school, never updated. Ria answered the call.

“Hello?” she said, a croak coming out instead of her voice.

“Whoa,” Julian laughed. “Good morning, sir.”

“Morning,” she said, laying her head down on the pillow. She checked the time. 7:03 AM. Ria had to remind herself that Julian was three hours ahead, and tried not to be mad that he woke her up so early on a Saturday. “How are you?”

“Great,” he said, but Ria could tell he was itching to talk about something. Indeed, he went on. “Hey, I’m at this travel agency booking a cruise for my uncle’s birthday. We wanted to know if you want to come, too.”

“Uh . . . ” Ria’s eyes fought to stay open. “When would it be?”

“Late June to early July, we haven’t settled—“

“Oh.” Ria sat up at once and rubbed her eyes. “I can’t.”

“Why? Is your passport expiring or something? I’m sure we could—“

“No, my passport is fine.” You’ve put it off long enough. There won’t be a perfect time. Just say it.

“Are you getting a summer job?”

“I mean—“ Say it. “Well,” she started, but it wasn’t coming out.

“What is it?” he said.

Ria took a deep breath. “I got into the Monterey program. I won’t be going home for summer break.”

A moment passed before Julian spoke again. “What?”

“The school offered me a position in their marine biology summer program in—“

“Are you serious?”

She didn’t know what to think of his reactions. Ria couldn’t tell if he was happy or upset, so she simply said, “Yes.”

Julian remained silent.

Ria’s heart beat hard against her chest. “Can you say something?”

“I just want to get this clear,” he said slowly. “You’re choosing to spend a year away. On purpose. Correct?”

“Julian, I’ve told you about this program before—“

“I know you fucking told me, Ria. I just didn’t think you’d get in.”

Standing up from her bed, Ria stayed in silent bewilderment.

“And the saddest part is you probably don’t care whether you see me or not. So fine, run off with all the other fucking nerds—“

“That’s enough, Julian,” Ria said, crossing her arms despite him not being able to see. “This has nothing to do with us. I know you know I could never forgive myself if I let an opportunity like this simply pass me by.”

“Whatever. I have to go,” he said as his end of the call became noisy with the voices of his family. “We’ll discuss it later.”

“No—“

Julian ended the call.

“Fuck!” Ria cursed, and threw her phone against the bed. It bounced off, landing on the floor with a deafening crack. Closing her eyes, Ria scrambled to the floor, praying to every god that would listen. But the screen was shattered, only lighting up in fragments. 

Already prepared for the day to end, Ria fell on her mattress, face against her pillow. She took a deep breath in, and—with all her might—screamed into the pillow.

Dragging herself out of the dorm, Ria found solace in a study room deep within the bowels of the library stacks. She channeled all her anger into something useful. It was tedious work, especially the lab reports, but it was a welcome distraction. Julian would certainly not be the reason she fell behind on her schoolwork.

It took until midday to finish all her work for the next few days. She packed up her things and headed back to the dorm, finding the phone still lying on the ground. Ria picked it up, weighing her options.

Valerie College was in the middle of nowhere, and there was no good public transportation during weekends. The only person she knew with a car was AJ, but even if he wanted to drive her, they had both agreed to help with the party.

Until tomorrow it is.

Opening her closet, Ria dug out the duffel that had been in her possession since middle school and set it on the bed. She packed everything she’d need for the party and to stay overnight at the suite.

She passed by Hungry Mind, the cafe on campus, and picked up a cake pop for Sasha. Pressing her ID against the scanner, Ria pushed the door to Cedar Hall open. Music seeped through the door to the suite, and Ria found Sasha and all her suite mates gathered on the living room floor.

A tub of fried chicken sat on the coffee table, and they all sat on the ground around it. They looked up as Ria entered the suite, greeting her warmly.

There was Rosa Molina, of course, an expert knitter with Salvadorian parentage. Her Barbie doll of a roommate was Madi Jones. She was from Southern California, just like Sasha. Isla Kenney had come straight from Manchester to play for the school’s D1 women’s volleyball team, becoming their captain in under two years. Isla was dating Esther, who was not currently present but happened to be the childhood best friend of Quinn Xie, Isla’s roommate. They’d been born and raised just a few miles away in San Francisco.

“I was wondering if you really did get kidnapped,” Sasha said, standing to greet Ria, a party hat upon her head.

“Oh, sorry,” Ria said, “I got them, I got stoned, and then my phone broke this morning. But never mind that.” Extending her arm to show Sasha the cake pop, she said, “Happy birthday, darling! You can finally drink!”

“Legally,” Sasha said behind her hand, laughing. “And I’m sorry to hear about your phone. Come sit.”

Waving to the rest of them, Ria settled beside Isla, leaning against the couch. “What’s up, mate?” Isla said, offering a fist bump. She was one of those people who were so cool they made Ria nervous. Ria watched as she ran her fingers through her long, red hair.

“So did you talk to your boyfriend yet?” Madi asked from across the coffee table, snapping Ria out of her daze. She stared at Madi, her brown eyes bewildered. Madi stared back, unfazed until Quinn snorted, and they all burst into laughter.

Heat rose to Ria’s cheeks as she looked to Sasha for an explanation. How do they know about the Julian thing?

“We all know,” Isla said as Sasha shrugged away her culpability.

If it had been anyone else, Ria might have been angry that her personal matters were shared. But it was Sasha. It was so like her to share everything with this lot. “Letting this go only because it’s your birthday,” Ria joked, but she knew the truth—she’d forgive anything of her.

Ria sighed. “And yes, I did talk to Julian.” Sasha’s eyes widened, and she sat up. “It’s actually how I broke my phone. Sort of threw it in a fit of rage.”

“Damn,” Rosa said, sipping from her cup. “That bad?”

Ria nodded, kind of defeated. Quinn wrapped their arm over Ria’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, Ria.”

“Dump him,” Madi said, and Ria chuckled. It lightened the mood, bringing some cheers of agreement. “No man is worth a broken phone.”

“You should switch over to my team,” Isla said, winking. Somehow, Ria knew she didn’t mean volleyball.

Rosa stood up, starting to clean up. “How do you know she isn’t already on it?”

“I mean,” Isla inspected Ria’s appearance, and the other eyes joined hers. “Are you?”

Ria laughed nervously under their scrutiny, but didn’t give an answer. 

“She doesn’t look particularly gay to me,” Madi said.

As the group threw itself into a discussion, their eyes drifted away, and Ria listened in amusement.

“I’m sorry, does ‘gay’ look like something specific to you?” Isla said, standing up.

“Yeah, your face.”

“She definitely doesn’t look like Isla.”

“No, but she does wear tote bags.”

“Those are gay.”

“Sasha? Has she ever said anything gay to you?”

“I have the right to remain silent.”

“Fuck. Quinn, do you think she’s gay?”

“Honestly, I could see it.”

“Wait. Do you own anything Lululemon?”

“Actually, I once hooked up with a Lululemon lesbian.”

“Pause. That’s crazy.”

“Was she, like, old or something?”

“No, she was our age.”

“Fascinating.”

“Alright, that’s enough speculation,” Sasha said. “Whether she’s gay or not, we have shit to do, people.”

“Happy birthday, Sashalicious,” AJ yelled as he walked into the suite, carrying a large speaker. He placed it on the kitchenette counter. “Who’s gay?”

“You,” Ria said, kissing her brother’s cheek. She looked at the speaker. “Is this Papi’s?”

“Dang, Mr. Ortiz got that fancy shit,” Madi said, examining the piece of technology.

AJ leaned against the counter. “I knew you’d like it.”

Ria rolled her eyes and yanked her brother away from the counter, dragging him to the table where Sasha stood with everyone else.

Behind Ria, Quinn whispered to Isla. “Bet you ten she’s gay.” Sasha shushed them before beginning her speech.

“Here’s the game plan. Isla and AJ are doing the shopping. While they’re away, we’re cleaning, rearranging furniture, and decorating. We’re gonna make sure our rooms are presentable. I’m looking at you,” she said to Quinn. “Cup pong is going to be in your room, flip cup in Rosa and Madi’s.”

“What about yours?” Ria asked.

“It’ll be the crash pad,” she said. Ria thought of Halle, who always tapped out the earliest. “Anyway, when Isla and AJ get back, we need to make the spiked freeze pops. Jamie made jello shots, so we are good on that. Then we go out for dinner, come back and get ready. Pregame is at 9. Party starts at 10. Let’s go, people.”

The preparations went exactly as Sasha had planned. Ria helped clean up Isla’s side of the room. The furniture in the living room was moved up against the walls, leaving more room to dance. They set up tables for the drinking games, and put up the golden decorations all over the suite. Heading down the street, they ate noodles and sang a song for Sasha’s birthday, and by 9 pm the shots were being poured in the living room.

Ria stood in the suite bathroom, applying mascara with her cheek nearly touching the mirror. Stepping away, she scrunched her curls, shaping them until she was satisfied. Her mind drifted back to what Madi had said. Dump him. She was joking, Ria was sure.

It hadn’t crossed her mind until then, and now it was all that occupied it. Julian had been a part of Ria’s life since she was fourteen, since her mother married Tom and they all moved next-door to Julian’s family. He’d been her best friend for so many years, kept her company. They didn’t have a whirlwind romance, sure, but she didn’t mind that. Everyone loved him, and he loved Ria so deeply.

But the Julian she had spoken to that morning wasn’t the same Julian she knew. Maybe they’d spent too much time apart. They were getting farther from finding a balance, and she wasn’t blind to her own indifference when it came to the distance.

Ria smoothed the fabric of her beige cargo pants over her legs. She turned, taking one last look at her outfit. The top had been a lucky find at Goodwill, a blue, sheer top straight out of a Y2K daydream.

The living room was growing louder with the arrival of their friends. Inside Sasha’s room, Ria put away her things and kicked the duffel bag under the bed as a precaution. She didn’t want any stray partygoers going through her things.

Sasha walked into the room, holding a heap of green yarn. “What’s that?” Ria said.

“Rosa’s gift,” Sasha said, laying it out on her bed. It was a tube top, loosely knit with sequins sparsely placed. Several straps connected it to a shrug in the same style. It looked like something out of a fairytale. “I’m wearing it.”

Sasha pulled her top off at once and Ria chortled, looking away as she put on Rosa’s creation. Through the window, Ria could see the corner of Ellie’s truck.

“How is it?”

Ria spun to look at her. It was simply beautiful, the color complimenting the brown of Sasha’s skin. “You look like a mermaid,” Ria said, twirling Sasha’s hair in her hands, arranging the waves over her shoulders. “Hey, I wanted to ask—do you know an Ellie Williams? At least, I think that’s her last name.”

“Ellie?” Sasha said, stepping toward the floor-length mirror behind her door. “We had a class together. Why?”

“She was Murphy’s friend from yesterday.”

Sasha examined her appearance in the mirror. “Now that I think about it, I did know she dealt. I’ve heard quite a bit about her.”

Ria sat on the bed. “Like what?”

“Well,” Sasha said, and touched up her lip gloss. “She’s cool, but apparently, every time Ellie walks into a room someone leaves crying.”

“No way,” Ria said, laughing. She pictured Ellie, her relaxed manner in the stash room. 

Sasha shrugged. “Just what I heard,” she said. “Now, I want you to make an effort and not let this Julian stuff ruin your night. It’s my birthday wish.”

“Fine,” Ria said, grabbing the paper bag with the pre-rolls. “Let’s go, birthday girl.”

The pregame went as it usually did—the weed was distributed, Halle and Katherine were almost an hour late, and the blue freeze pops were the first to go.

Ria was four Berry Blue jello shots deep when the first large group arrived. It was a mix of Valerie sports teams, all there because of Isla. Already, the space felt tight. And it was only 10:30.

Quinn turned the music up. Isla sat on the couch with Esther on her lap, eating each other’s faces. Katherine and Jamie played cup pong as people watched. AJ was in charge of the door, and Madi had a horde of guys hanging on her every word. 

Ria watched them all as she nursed a grape freeze pop, twisting the promise ring around her finger. Rosa poured a couple of shots on the drinks table next to Ria. She gifted her one.

“Thanks,” Ria said, and nodded toward Madi and her horde. “Might have to go rescue her soon.”

“She’s fine, they’re talking robotics,” Rosa said, and raised her shot glass. 

Ria raised hers. Together, they chanted. “Pa’ arriba, pa’ abajo, pa’l centro y pa’ dentro.” They drank at the same time, grimacing as the tequila hit their tongues and burned its way down to their stomachs.

“Puñeta,” Ria cursed, squeezing out more of the freeze pop to offer some relief. Rosa downed a shot of pink lemonade as a chaser.

By the time the hum of alcohol was in full force, Ria had taken to the dance floor. She could feel the music vibrating in her chest, and as Bad Bunny’s only merengue song started playing, she dropped her jaw and looked at AJ.

He screamed as the partygoers cheered. It was a popular song, but Ria and AJ were Puerto Rican born and raised. Bad Bunny was theirs.

AJ ran to grab Ria’s hands as she laughed, and they let the fast tempo of the music set the pace. Ria moved her hips and let AJ guide her movements with his arms, just as their father had taught her. They were synchronized, and with just a shift of his hand, she knew to turn. Merengue was among their favorites to dance together, a push and pull of rhythm that was infectious.

Rosa and her boyfriend joined them, along with a few of the others who knew how to dance. They were in their own little bubble of Latin American bliss. Ria couldn’t stop smiling as she sang the lyrics.

Between the alcohol, the dancing, and the heat of a packed room, a sheen of sweat began to form over Ria’s skin. Still, she was sad when the song ended. AJ bowed when it was over, and snuck away into the crowd to do God-knows-what.

Ria’s head spun. She needed a breather. Two hands grabbed her shoulders. “RIA!” She jumped, startled until she saw it was Sasha.

“What?” Ria asked loudly.

“Look!” Sasha yelled, and pointed at something. Ria followed her finger, trying to focus through her drunken haze. “It’s your dealer!” Then she saw her.

Listening as a girl with bright pink hair talked to her, Ellie leaned against the wall, a bottle of Smirnoff seltzer in hand. Her hair was down this time, the short strands tousled into a soft shag. Boxers peeked beneath low-rise jeans, and a tank top left her arms exposed. Ria might not have recognized her had it not been for the tattoo. She tore her eyes away.

“I don’t see anyone crying,” Ria said, taking a deep breath. She was still winded.

“Yet,” Sasha said and stood up straighter, slapping Ria’s arm. “She’s coming.”

Ria scoffed, not believing her until she turned, Ellie’s face mere inches away.

She smiled down at Ria, her hands in her pockets. “Hey.” Ellie turned to Sasha as Ria took a step back. “Happy birthday. Nice party.”

“Thanks!” Sasha replied, then pointed behind her. “I’m gonna go dance.” And she was gone.

Neither of them spoke at first.

“What now?” Ria said suddenly.

“What?” Ellie said, leaning closer.

“You wished her a happy birthday,” she replied, reminding her of what she’d said the previous day.

Ellie chuckled, furrowing her brows. “That’s not all I came for,” she said.

Ria’s heart raced as Ellie’s words hung between them. She told herself it was all the dancing.

“Come smoke with me,” she said. “I owe you a few hits.”

Ellie considered it, rubbing the back of her neck as she looked to where the girl with pink hair still stood. She shook impatiently, her eyes on the two of them. Slowly, Ria realized Ellie had left the girl mid-conversation.

“Unless your girlfriend is waiting on you,” Ria said, tilting her head to the side.

Setting her gaze back on Ria, Ellie leaned even closer. “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Pulling back, she spoke again, louder. “Lead the way.”

On the way to Sasha’s room, Ria spotted her dancing with AJ. She laughed to herself, shaking her head. The last time she had seen her brother this excited about someone was with this girl called Marlene, but that ended pretty badly. At least for now, AJ was just having fun. She opened the door to Sasha’s dorm, and Ellie followed her into the room.

The moonlit serenity of Sasha’s bedroom was stark against the chaos in the living room. The closed door didn’t shut out the sound, but it made the party feel far away. Ria unlatched the window and pushed it open, letting the chill of the night cool her warm face. Small groups stood outside in the fog, chatting quietly or smoking. Some walked toward Cedar hall, searching for the party.

Sitting on the bench which Sasha had bought for this very purpose, Ria pulled the tube out of her pocket. She squeezed the top until the lid popped open, flipping it over as the pre-roll slid into her palm.

Ellie sat facing her, one knee up against the windowsill. Ria held the joint between her teeth as she looked for her lighter.

Something clicked, and a flame sparked between Ellie’s fingers, emanating from that same silver lighter in her hand. Ria leaned forward, letting the fire consume the twisted tip of the joint. Ellie’s eyes didn’t leave hers as she inhaled the smoke, blowing it out the window.

When she passed the joint to Ellie, Ria’s fingers brushed hers. She took a long puff and released it through her nose, the smoke floating lazily around her. “Was that Alejandro I saw you dancing with?”

Ria nodded. “You know my brother?” 

“You could say so,” she said. “You’re a . . . junior?”

“Sophomore.”

Ellie nodded, taking another hit before handing the joint back. “You declared your major yet?”

“As soon as I got here,” Ria said, smiling as she watched Ellie hold back a laugh. Most people waited until their second year, but Ria had been a bit overexcited. “What do you study?”

“Art,” she said, and Ria looked to Ellie’s green house, at the painted pots that sat in the darkness of her porch. “You?”

Ria smoked. “Biology,” she said, trying not to cough as she passed the joint to Ellie, “with a focus on marine biology.”

Ellie raised her eyebrows. “You into clams or something?”

Ria giggled, the effect of the weed starting to mix with the alcohol. “No,” she said. “I’m more of a sea turtle girl.”

“I see,” Ellie said, eyeing Ria. “How’d that happen?”

Watching her for a moment, Ria smiled softly. The memory played in her mind. She smelled the ocean, heard her parents laughing, her brother shushing them. They were so little, only seven and nine, but back then AJ felt so much older. It was the last time they were all together like that. Something too close to her heart, Ria thought. “I’ve only ever told two people.”

Ellie sighed as the joint went out, lighting it again. “And who has the honor of knowing?” She was digging for something, but Ria couldn’t be sure what it was.

“Sasha,” Ria said, “and . . .” She paused, suddenly feeling strange about answering the question. Sasha and Julian. The events of that morning rushed back into her mind and left a sour taste in her mouth. Did she want to tell her about Julian? Why wouldn’t she want to tell Ellie about her boyfriend? She’d told everyone else just fine, and Ellie wasn’t special. No reason not to say it.

“My boyfriend.”

For some reason, Ria searched Ellie’s face for a reaction. There was nothing. And there shouldn’t have been. Was she expecting something from her? What is going on with you?

The questions in her mind were growing too loud. As her brain started to fog, Ria propped her head on her hand.

Taking another hit, Ellie inched closer. “Where is this boyfriend of yours?”

Ria watched her carefully. Ellie’s eyes looked soft in the dimness of the room. “Not here,” Ria said. Their faces were so close.

Ellie held the now-roach up to Ria’s lips, and she took one last puff as the fire grew dangerously close to Ellie’s fingers. With her other hand, Ellie took Ria’s chin and leaned in, opening her mouth. Slowly, Ria released the smoke into it, not quite touching Ellie’s lips.

Ellie blew out the smoke, and a grin spread across her features.

The door to the room opened, and the party lights broke the intimacy of the moment. Esther stumbled through the door, laughing as Isla—who appeared painfully sober—and Quinn followed her in. Esther stopped in her tracks at the sight of the two of them by the window. “Oh my God, is that Ellie?” she said, slurring her words as Isla ushered her to the bed.

“Hey, Esther,” Ellie said softly, raising her hand in greeting.

“Sorry guys, she’s a little too drunk,” Quinn said, pulling the covers away for Esther to lie down.

Pulling herself to her feet, Ellie stood before Ria, their knees knocking. Ria looked up at her, her head spinning. Ellie held out her hand. “Let’s go dance.”

Behind her, Quinn and Isla gave each other a look. Aware of their attention, Ria decided to let them settle their bet.

Taking her hand, Ria let Ellie pull her up, their bodies so close Ria could smell her cologne. It was subtle, woodsy with hints of jasmine. Ria tried to ignore the way her hand felt in Ellie’s.

Stepping backward, Ellie led Ria across the room and out of Sasha’s dorm, her eyes never straying from Ria’s. Before the door closed, she heard Quinn say, “Pay up, bitch.”

If the living room had been packed before, Ria didn’t know what to call this. There were more bodies in the space than she even thought possible. Ellie worked her way through them.

Several people—mostly girls—greeted her as they passed, completely ignoring Ria. A blonde was particularly touchy, her hands grabbing Ellie’s waist. She pulled away smoothly, waving goodbye as she dragged Ria along. Ria waved, too.

Somewhere near the center of the room, she stopped. The crowd around them was so tight they were forced together. “Was that another one of your not-girlfriends?” Ria asked, struggling to keep her body from touching Ellie’s.

Ellie laughed, rubbing her neck. Ria stared at her tattoo—two ferns and a moth, spreading so far down her forearm that a few of the leaves reached the back of her hand. Ria wondered if it had a meaning. “Sure,” she replied, but Ria had forgotten the question.

“You seem to know everyone,” she said.

“Perks of the trade.”

Ria couldn’t hear the music anymore, too high to make out any melody over all the noise. But the others could, screaming as they recognized another song. They moved around her, body slamming against body, jumping and stepping every which way. Ria stumbled, but Ellie took her hips, steadying her.

“Thanks,” Ria said, but her hands didn’t leave. She looked up at her, and neither looked away.

Every person in the room screamed the lyrics to the song. Ria didn’t care to decipher the words anymore. It didn’t matter. Ellie pulled her closer, moving their bodies to the music as Ria blindly followed. Her skin prickled under Ellie’s touch, her hands tracing the curve of Ria’s waist. 

Leaning closer, Ellie looked at Ria’s lips. Ria’s eyes flickered to hers, and her stomach twisted when she realized what had crossed her mind. She pulled away and immediately missed the feeling of Ellie’s hands on her. The revelation disgusted her. 

She’d danced with people at parties before. Hell, she’d probably done worse with Sasha. But this felt different. This felt wrong. She liked it too much. Her entire body itched. 

“I need to use the bathroom,” Ria lied, and Ellie furrowed her brows. Before she could say anything, Ria pushed her way out of Ellie’s sight.

The way to the bathroom felt endless as Ria fought to squeeze between the crowd. It was growing too hot, and she wanted to claw at her throat. She burst out of the mass of bodies, gasping for air. The small hallway to the bathroom was empty, much to her surprise, but the door was locked. Ria knocked, and upon hearing a response, leaned against the wall to calm down.

She stared at her shoes as she waited, the seconds stretching into what felt like hours. A pair of converse stepped into her view of the floor, and she looked up. Ellie leaned against the wall across the doorframe, in the same manner as Ria.

“What are you doing?” Ria said, standing up straight.

Ellie shrugged. “Just waiting for the bathroom.”

Ria shook her head, scoffing as she took to the wall again. She was watching her, Ria knew. The toilet flushed inside the bathroom, and she looked up. Ellie’s eyes burned through her, so intensely it made Ria’s knees weak.

The door opened, and a guy walked out, leaving them alone in the hallway.

Gesturing toward the bathroom, Ellie spoke. “Go right ahead.”

This time it was Ria who shrugged. “Fine,” she said, and stepped inside, pushing the door closed.

But it didn’t close.

Ellie pushed it open, slipping in and closing the door herself, locking it behind her.

She moved closer, and Ria didn’t step back. Her hands found Ria’s waist again, and she didn’t protest. “Ria,” she whispered, their noses grazing as she tasted the sound. “Tell me your name.”

Ria’s heart raced, and suddenly the party—her life—was in a different universe altogether. Nothing outside of that door was real. Only the two of them existed. Only her. Her breath on Ria’s cheek. Her cologne. Her lips grazing hers.

“Maria Celeste,” she whispered.

Ellie smiled softly. “Maria Celeste,” she repeated, and pressed her lips to Ria’s. Her kiss was warm, gentler than Ria had ever known. Breathing in her scent, Ria snuck her hand behind Ellie’s neck, pulling her closer. Parting her lips, Ellie’s tongue found Ria’s, deepening the kiss. 

Allowing her hands to explore her, Ria dragged her fingers down Ellie’s abdomen, running over the taut muscle beneath her shirt. She sighed against Ria, and their kisses grew hungrier. 

Ria stumbled back against the counter as Ellie pressed herself against her. She looked down, parting Ria’s legs with her knee, placing her thigh between them. With every kiss, she rolled her hips against her, setting Ria’s core on fire. 

Lifting the fabric of Ellie’s tank, Ria pulled it as far as Ellie would let her. But she didn’t stop her, only pulling away to take the shirt off. Ria’s eyes lingered on her exposed chest, and Ellie chuckled softly before kissing her again, harder. 

Her hands were all over Ria, grasping at her hips, snaking under her shirt. She squeezed her breast, moaning softly into her mouth. She hadn’t been touched like this in so long, never felt so needed. Ria found the button of Ellie’s jeans, beginning to undo it. “Don’t.” She took Ria’s hand, stopping her. Ria pulled away to look at her. Ellie smiled in the dim light. She kissed Ria’s neck, her own hands unzipping Ria’s pants. “I’m good.”

Her fingers slithered beneath her underwear, and Ellie groaned against Ria. “You’re so wet,” she whispered next to her ear as her fingertips stroked the tender spot.

“What did you expect?” Ria breathed.

Ellie grabbed her face with her free hand, kissing Ria deeply as her fingers set a steady rhythm. The room grew hotter with every breath, but not in the same sticky way as it was outside. Ria liked this—loved the heat that formed between them. Her face grew hot, heart pounding in her chest as she breathed harder. It only spurred Ellie on, applying more pressure.

A haze of pleasure clouded Ria’s already fading mind, and her hands clutched the edge of the bathroom counter, begging for something to ground her. Ellie started moving farther down and slipping her fingers inside her, sending waves of ecstasy through Ria. She was all she could hear, smell, feel—and God, she felt so good. Ria arched against her, writhing with her touch, desperate for release.

A knock came at the door. Ria’s eyes fluttered open, but all she could see was Ellie, and she wasn’t stopping. She brought a finger up to her lips, shushing Ria softly as her hand sped up. Ria opened her mouth, wanting to scream as her legs clenched.

Ellie kissed her again, silencing any sound that might’ve found its way out. The knocking resumed, louder now, and Ellie pressed against her, moving faster yet. Ria dug her fingers in her hair as Ellie pushed her over the edge, her knees buckling as climax shook through her.

It took every fiber of her being to keep from making noise, breathing heavily as she leaned her forehead against Ellie’s.

“There you go,” Ellie said, holding Ria upright as her body threatened to crumble.

“Fuck,” she breathed, and Ellie planted tender kisses down her neck.

She was still coming down from the high when the knocking intensified, the handle rattling as someone yelled from the other side. “Hellooo?” 

Ellie finally reacted, looking at the door.

Suddenly the universe inside the bathroom collapsed, and reality rushed back to Ria. She was still foggy from the substances, but growing more and more sober with the thought of what she had just done.

Ellie’s hands held her hips, and Ria stared at her unbuttoned pants in disbelief, shocked by her own behavior. Julian’s face appeared in her mind. He might not have been the perfect boyfriend, but they were still together. He didn’t deserve this. Ria’s stomach turned. “Fuck,” she said, her head spinning.

Looking at her, Ellie opened her mouth to say something before she saw the panic in Ria’s eyes. Her words caught, and Ria had a feeling she knew exactly what Ria was thinking.

Pulling away, Ria zipped up her pants, stumbling on Ellie’s shirt. “I should go,” she said, reaching down to pick it up and hand it to her.

“Uh.” Ellie quickly pulled the tank top over her head. “Okay.”

Ria walked past her toward the door, and Ellie took her hand. “Ria,” she said, but Ria couldn’t bear to look at her. It would only make her want more. She needed to leave Ellie’s presence.

“I’m sorry,” Ria told her, not knowing what else to say. Unlocking the door, she faced whoever she assumed had been knocking. They said something, but Ria didn’t stay long enough to hear it. 

She threw herself into the crowd again and burst into Sasha’s room. The window was still open, and she stepped quietly past Esther—and now Halle, as she predicted—to reach it. Climbing on top of the bench where Ellie and she had sat, Ria swung her feet over the windowsill, dropping half a foot onto the soft grass.

The fog was thicker now, diffusing the street lights of campus. Ria’s feet carried her to the green, and she laid down on the grass beneath Old Tree. Breathing in the cold night air, she let it cool her inebriated mind.

This was a fucking mess. She didn’t know how to fix it, or if it could even be fixed. Either way, she had to fix her phone first.

⊰✭⊱

Notes: this has been a long time coming (sorry!!) but thank you for reading! more to come soon

The art for this chapter is NSFW so do with that information as you will.

https://imgur.com/a/bathroom-yJFLHom

[calmasyoghurt]

The joker out pride project.

Also on ao3.

June 11th, promt 16. Coming out as a trans man.

“Hi boys, I don’t want to ruin your fun, but I thought I’d let you know that the last bus for Ljubljana leaves in about half an hour”.

The word ‘boys’, in plural, makes Kris’ heart do a little jump, before he can actually register what Jan’s mum said. But of course she’s correct, the last bus does leave in just over 30 minutes. Kris doesn’t really want to go home yet. Today has been an amazing day. Kris got a haircut that makes him feel good about himself. He and Jan has spent the majority of the day learning new songs on their guitars. Oh, and for the first time, Kris has spent almost an entire day being called ‘he’. So Kris doesn’t want to go home yet, where he’ll go back to being called a girl.

“Can’t Kris stay the night? He hasn’t taught me Črn Tulipan yet”, Jan asks his mum, and Kris hopes she’ll allow it.

“Sure, do you want me to call your parents? I don’t want them getting worried about you not coming home”.

“No, think it’s better I call them myself. Thank you for letting me stay”, Kris says, and Jan’s mum tells him he’s welcome to stay any time before leaving the room. Kris grabs his phone, the one he’d gotten for his birthday in January, and calls his mother. The call doesn’t last very long, Kris simply asks for permission to stay the night, his mother allows it. She tells Kris to have fun, and then they wish each other a good night. When Kris hangs up and looks at Jan, he looks amazed.

“What the fuck? Since when do you speak a whole other language?”, Jan asks.

“Since I learned how to speak? You do know my mother is from the Netherlands, right?”. Kris says.

“I guess, but that doesn’t have to mean you speak the language!”. Kris simply laughs at Jan, and suggest that now is the perfect time for Jan to start learning the song that brought Kris’ parents together.

A few hours later, Kris has borrowed one of Jan’s old, washed out band t-shirts to sleep in. He’s sitting on Jan’s bed waiting for him to get back from the bathroom. There’s a small nock on the door, and Jan’s mum enters the room.

“Hi love, are you settling in?”, she asks, and Kris nods.

“Now, I’m not saying that you or Jan aren’t responsible young boys, the contrary in fact. His dad and I have taught him all about the importance of protection. But I want you to be careful anyways, I’m sure you know that std’s aren’t the only thing you in particular can get from a guy. Okay?”. Kris' cheeks feel warm enough to fry an egg on.

“Uh, me and Jan are just friends. Nothing’s going to happen”. Luckily, Kris can hear the bathroom door open before Jan’s mum can give any more advice, and when Jan appears behind him, she just wishes them a good night and leaves.

“What was that about?”, Jan asks as he closes the bedroom door.

“I think your mum thinks we’re a couple or something. She was talking about protection and std’s and stuff”, Kris answers. This makes Jan burst out in laughter. He lays down on the bed next to Kris, and seems to be collecting his thoughts. A minute later, Jan speaks again.

“If we would have met for the first time today, or sometime in the future, then I probably would have a crush on you. The first time we met, I was close to developing feelings. But then you said Kris was short for Kristina and all those feelings flew out the window. Now, that I now you’re a boy and that I could theoretically have a chance, I want nothing else than to keep being friends”.

“How do you always say exactly the right thing? Come here, awkward friend hug time”, Kris says and throws an arm over Jans shoulders. Jan puts an arm over Kris’ hips, and in this moment, everything is peaceful. Tomorrow, Kris might tell mum and dad who he really is.

The next morning, Jan’s dad offers to drive Kris home, since he’s visiting a friend in Ljubljana. Jan says he’ll come with them, saying he wants to see all the guitars that Kris’ dad has. Kris knows it’s a lie, Jan has seen his dad’s guitars multiple times before. The real reason Jan is coming to Ljubljana is to support Kris when coming out. It’s something they discussed when they woke up, and Kris is once again so grateful for Jan’s endless support.

Forty minutes later, Kris and Jan are dropped of outside Kris’ building with a promise from Jan’s dad that he’ll be back in about an hour to pick Jan up. Together, the two friends enter the building, walk up a few stairs, and then they’re outside Kris’ apartment. Kris opens the door and enters, closely followed by Jan. They find Kris’ mum at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper. She greets them with a big smile before looking at Kris’ new hairstyle.

“Oh, you cut it short again? It suits you, and won’t make you as warm now that it’s summer”. It almost surprises Kris, how positive she is to the new haircut. But he’s not going to complain, definitely not, this is what he wanted. He wanted them to support him. So why not break the bigger news right away?

“Is dad home? I want to tell you something”, Kris says, and is informed that his dad is in the living room. The three of them walk in to the next room together. When they enter, Kris’ mum sits down in one of the couches, next to her husband, while Kris and Jan sit down in the other couch.

“Hi Jan, I didn’t know you where here! And Kris, new haircut I see, it looks good”, says Kris’ dad.

“What did you want to tell us, schatje?” asks Kris’ mum. This is it. This is the right moment to tell them.

“Well. It’s something I’ve thought about for a while now. I found something out about myself a while ago. When I thought about I realized I’ve been feeling this way for a really long time without knowing why. But I know why I’ve felt it now. It's- it's about who I am”. Kris can’t capture his thoughts. He doesn’t know how to turn them in to words. But then Jan grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly, and it brings Kris’ down to earth.

“There’s something called being transgender. It’s when you don’t feel like you belong in the body of the gender you were born as. I’ve learnt a lot about it, and the more I learn the more I feel like it’s me. During the whole day yesterday, Jan referred to me as if I was a boy, and I really, really enjoyed it. It felt so right, like I was finally being referred to as the person I really am. What I’m trying to say is that it is me, I’m transgender, I’m a boy. It would make me so happy if you referred to me as one, calling me he and a boy and your son and stuff like that”. Kris doesn’t look up at his parents while he’s speaking, and neither does he let go of Jan’s hand. But the room is quiet, too quiet, soo he finally looks up at his parents. They’re smiling at him. They don’t seem to hate him.

“Is that- is that okay with you?” he asks, because he can’t be sure.

“Of course that’s okay with us, schatje. All we want is for you to be happy. We’ll support you no matter what, won’t we, Miha?”.

“We will. You’re our son, it’s our job to love you no matter what. But I’m guessing you don’t want your name to be Kristina anymore, is that right?”.

“Yeah, that’s right. I like Kris though, and almost everyone calls me that already”.

A while later, when Jan gets a text from his dad saying he’s leaving his friends house, Kris feels like a giant weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He follows Jan to the door and watches him put his shoes on. When he straightens up, he looks at Kris.

“I’m proud of you dude. You’re brave. I’ll text you sometime, have a nice summer”. Then he ruffles Kris’ hair, opens the door and leaves.

[appalachianapologies]

okay so I was tagged by @lailuhhh and @rosieblogstuff and I think one other person (i am so sorry i forgor) many days ago and i am finally doing the first sentence of ten works thing. I guess the general consensus is no one knows whether or not this is for WIPs or posted things so like many others I'll just do a combo of both :D

From a wip that is uhhhh 22k and counting long, titled in my google docs as simply "fuck it desi lore," starting off strong with a sentence that I don't think is actually grammatically correct but you know what sometimes the vibes matter more than grammar and you can quote me on that: Later, Desi will feel guilty for it.

From chapter one of Remittent Distress, we have a line that sounds like it's going to be macriley WHICH IT IS NOT- (PS she's just out on a little mini mission she's not dead or anything) During the three days that Riley has been gone, Mac's been coping poorly.

Another chapter one first sentence, we have the first line of what's shaping up to be my next book! Cue the school intercom noise... "Good morning Ravens, happy Tuesday, and happy first day of school!"

Next we have chapter one (not the prologue) of False Dawn, which is a WIP that keeps me up at night and makes me feel far too many emotions at once: Bozer has a strange affinity for sending physical letters.

We have a bit of a secret fic that's up next- set in Tender Mercies universe, except this is set approximately 10 years in the future from Aground, the most recent fic in the series. Mac makes it a single step into the visitation cell before freezing on the spot.

Next up we have the first line of one of my favorite fics of mine, where we get some Sam Cage! (sam my beloved). Get ready for the first sentence of Episteme! Samantha Cage, despite her evergrowing want to be out of the life she threw herself into, isn’t exactly sure how to stay out of it.

Okay so this is the first line at the moment, but might not be if/when I finally get around to writing the vast majority of this fic. After drafting out an entire fic on a plane ride about a year ago, I only actually fully wrote out a few paragraphs. Here's the beginning of it as of right now: “Arriving in forty-five minutes,” comes the eventual answer through Mac’s earpiece. 

Now we have the first line from Past + Fire + Present, purely because I think it's a fabulous addition to the whole point of this post (and also this does happen to be a fic that i am quite happy about how it came out). The first sentence is a little bit lack-luster though... Hands.

Changing things up a bit, this next sentence is from my 95% finished The Martian fic that has been 95% finished for over a year at this point. I really just need to write two more paragraphs and post it at this point, but here's the start! Sneaking out of Beck's quarters as soon as he stepped out to talk to the rest of the crew was probably not the brightest of plans, but I can’t take it back now.

And to end things off, we're going to hop back to Remittent Distress, but this time in the form of the first sentence for chapter three! (Currently working on it, fear not) It’s to be expected.

I'm fairly certain that at this point everyone that I know has been tagged in this (and I'm also like a week or two late at this point), so if you see this, assume you're being tagged! (and also if you write your own please tag me somewhere in it so I can read your sentences :D)

[sendpseuds]

can I drop in with another WIP ask? In the broadway cody wip...is this like...a drunken party related incident? A preplanned venture? Somewhere in the middle? Who approaches who? (apparently I have a lot of questions - I've been curious about it since that chapter in Resolute Theater!)

Ooohhh! Yes! I love this one. Been on the back burner for a very long time.

[in case you haven't read The Resolute Theater Presents...]

Okay, so, this is mostly just dialogue and little notes at this point, but I think it will answer your question better than I can.

Just to set the scene, this is in Cody's college apartment [it's a nice place because, you know, the mob... allegedly] they've been playing video games for hours when Obi-Wan asks if there's something wrong, saying that his energy feels off [because we love weird witchy Obi-Wan]

Anyway!

*

“I think— I think I might be like you...”

“Like me? An actor?”

“No, not— I mean that you— you sleep with women and—”

“Oh!”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, Cody. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?”

“No…”

“Well, I’m honored.”

“Thanks?”

“First of all, I am so proud of you.”

Cody starts to panic, everything feels a little too real now.

“Obi-Wan, I’m not even sure I’m right about this, I’ve never even kissed another man. What if— what if I go through all this— coming out bullshit and finally get the courage to try, and then realize that—”

“You’re not straight, Cody.”

“Wha— What makes you say that!?"

“In fact, I don’t even think you’re bi, but we can get to that later.”

“How do you know!? …how did you know?”

“I think I always knew. But acting on the impulse did certainly clear it up for me.”

“I just— I don’t want to embarrass myself. I wish I could just— be sure.”

“Cody, I need to ask an uncomfortable question.”

“This is all uncomfortable. Go ahead.”

“Do you have feelings— for me? Romantic ones?”

“No.” 

“You mean, not anymore, correct?”

Sigh. “Yes.”

“I knew it.”

“You don’t have to be so fucking smug about it.”

“But you’re still attracted to me, yes?”

“Why the fuck did I think you were the right person to talk to about this!?”

“Because you knew I would help.”

“Then help!”

Laughing “I am! I simply wanted to make sure my next question wouldn’t just make this all more complicated for you.”

“What are you talking about, Obi-Wan?”

“Would you like to kiss me?”

“Would I— Wait, would I what?”

“Would you like to kiss me? Or— maybe other things? I promise you won’t embarrass yourself here with me.”

“Are you— you're serious.”

“I am. If getting to experience intimacy with another man would help you find yourself, Cody— as I said, I’m honored that you came to me. If I can help, I’d like to.”

“I— I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Don’t lie, some part of you was.”

“I don’t want you to feel obligated—”

“Stop. Please. I understand. You like to be prepared. You always have. You don’t want your first blow job to be with someone you really like— Not that I’m saying you should — you know what I mean. If you want to fool around, we can do whatever you’d like. I will answer any questions you have. There will be no judgment. Alright?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah, I just— I think you may need to be the one to start the— uh— kissing.”

“Gladly.”

*

BONUS:

“Top, I wanna be on top.”

“I had a feeling,” Obi-Wan chuckled, leaning in to place another kiss on Cody’s lips, his cheek, his jaw until that dangerous mouth of his was whispering in his ear, “alright, Cody, you can fuck me— any way you’d like, but before this weekend is over, you’re going to let me stick my tongue in that greedy little hole of yours.”

That was not happening.

That was definitely not happening.

Fuck, who was he kidding? That was probably happening.

[burritosandpeppermint]

Capitalists Ruined the Internet

I don't post about it a lot because I feel like I should keep some kind of anonymity here, and because I keep complaining about the same work shit over and over, but sometimes it just builds up.

With the internet being more and more dominated by capitalists in every corner it's becoming increasingly more difficult to convince customers that the morally correct thing to do isn't just to allow someone to unsubscribe from their marketing emails, but also to not send them unsolicited emails to begin with; that simply knowing about an email address does not imbue the possessor with an unalterable right to send marketing to it in perpetuity; that buying data and using it without consent on our system is against the AUP that is digitally stapled to the contract they signed.

As a result our two person team is becoming more and more overworked.

As a result we are finally giving in and trying to work with teams that will implement automation to simplify our workload, although this is the fourth time (by the fourth team) in eight years that we've been promised this.

As a result I asked a question in the chat during our quarterly company meeting that given the record profits and surging growth would we be hiring more people to help support the companies who are eagerly becoming customers to use our solutions. I logged off the meeting well before it was over because I knew what the answer would be. Later I was told that my question was asked and my name was read aloud and our CEO said that they didn't want to rush into hiring like some companies did during the pandemic, after which a lot of people were laid off.

And so it was that my only coworker took a well deserved two week vacation to get out of her apartment, city, state, and country with friends, and from all accounts had a great time, and I am thrilled for her. Meanwhile, I was doing the work of two people, and things kept falling off my table, and I had to stop reviewing some reports and audits altogether because I didn't have the time or mental/emotional capacity. She's been back for a week now and I'm mostly caught up.

Meanwhile the company I work for keeps boasting about AI and automation but I can't get it to read an email and process it accordingly, and our CEO is likely on target to make yet another $30+ million this year but we can't hire more people in case we might need to lay them off, so we're overworked and no one above our manager cares one whit.

I want to care about my job. I want to make a difference. I want to be able to find some meaning in what I do.

My company wants me to work for a paycheck.

So maybe that's all that I have to do. Punch in, process abuse reports, copy and paste responses to investigations instead of engaging with people, attend meetings, make boring PowerPoint slides for meetings, get paid every other week and just not care.

Because if my company doesn't, then why the fuck should I?

[backseat-negan]

Well, damn… it’s been four years since I posted. I had almost forgotten my love of Jeffrey Dean Morgan/TWD and the amazing community of writers and friends I found here.

Because when addiction takes over, it becomes the only thing your mind will make space for.

Trigger warnings: addiction, drugs, IV drug use, drug abuse, cocaine, overdose, syringes, needles, tracks, track marks

4 years ago - right after my last post - I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease called Myasthenia Gravis, or MG. Similar in ways to Multiple Sclerosis and Muscular Dystrophy, MG damages the receptors that allow your muscles to get signals from your nerves. Over time it causes severe muscle weakness and fatigue, and sometimes loss of muscle function entirely.

For me, that meant losing much of the fine motor function in my hands and arms, as well as chronic double vision from the muscles around my eyes being affected. Consequently, I lost my career working as a surgical assistant and I lost my ability to play guitar, which I had been doing for almost 15 years.

MG progresses differently for every person, and mine went from “Start” to “I’m going to take everything you love” in less than five months. For most people, this progression takes years - but mine unexpectedly progressed quite quickly, and that became the catalyst for a very, very dark downward spiral that I still haven’t been able to wrench myself out of almost four years later.

I had dabbled in illicit drugs here and there in the months leading up to my diagnosis, but the day I discovered I could no longer play guitar, I made the worst decision of my life: I picked up a needle for the first time, assuming it would also be my last. I just wanted to escape the sadness for a bit, and I was curious about the effects. But as soon as I pushed that first dose, I knew I was fucked. I immediately wanted more.

It went from 1 or 2 doses a day to 5 or 10, to 20 or 30, until at its peak I was dosing over 100 times a day. Yes, the math is correct - I was injecting every 10-15 minutes, all day, not sleeping for days at a time, not eating for weeks at a time, and not showering for months at a time - simply because I couldn’t stand the sight of the track marks covering my entire body.

In a year and a half, I went from 290 pounds to 170 pounds, simply from not eating. On the rare occasion I would leave the house and see my friends, they would immediately ask, “Dude, when’s the last time you ate anything?” Most of the time it had been so long, I couldn’t give them an honest answer. My mind and body had ceased to even register the sensation of hunger - the only thing it wanted was more C.

I had a few stints in rehab and might string together a few weeks of sobriety, but I always went back to it. I managed to avoid overdose until this year… February 4th, 2024. It put me into repeated seizures and respiratory arrest, they were able to revive me and I was in an induced coma for 4 days.

I wish I could say it was a wake up call, but I went back to it within hours of being discharged from the hospital. I despise withdrawals, and they just keep getting worse the longer I’m on the shit. Then just over a month later - March 20th - I OD’d again. Once again threw me into seizures and I almost stopped breathing, but thankfully this time the paramedics arrived significantly faster and I didn’t die - again.

I can’t remember the last time I showered, because just the thought of having to look down and see all the scabbed, bruised, and heavily scarred track marks on my arms and hands is sickening. I’ve been wearing long sleeves for almost two years straight - even on 90° summer days - and I put makeup/concealer on the back of my hands every day where the scars are the darkest so I don’t get disapproving looks from family, cashiers, and waitresses. I’ve gotten better at eating, and have managed to get back up to 205 pounds. But that’s the only thing that’s gotten better.

No one wakes up and decides to become an addict. It begins with one small seemingly meaningless choice to escape what’s in our head for just a few minutes or hours, but very quickly becomes an all-consuming downward spiral into our own grave. I wish I could go back and show 29 year old me what I’ve become, and take the needle out of her hand. But I can’t take any of this back, and right now, I still haven’t found a way out.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent a bit.

[baanra-talks]

little post game scene where we learn some more fucked up shit from ba'anra's past bc apparently i cannot stop being mean to her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ba'anra woke up slowly, becoming increasingly aware of the sound of metal softly clinking together from the other side of the room. Rolling over and stretching her back, she decided to lay in bed another moment before getting up to investigate. Padding barefoot across the room, she found Astarion sat on the floor, sorting the various weapons and loot they'd collected into piles. As soon as he was within reach, Ba'anra knelt behind him and hooked her chin over his shoulder. Astarion did not seem to startle at her presence.

"Did you sleep well, love?" he asked gently, angling his face towards hers. Ba'anra simply hummed in response, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Seeming to realise that she simply seeking out his company, Astarion went back to the task at hand, and Ba'anra closed her eyes and leaned further into him.

Some time later, she could feel Astarion tense in her arms, and she opened her eyes to see him holding an unfamiliar dagger. She stared for a moment, trying to discern what about the blade might be giving Astarion pause. It looked to be of good quality, meticulously cleaned and polished. Unable to determine why her lover was hesitating over this weapon, Ba'anra decided to gently prod him for answers.

"Where did that dagger come from? I don't recall collecting it." Astarion started at the sound of her voice, clearly not noticing that she was now paying attention.

He cleared his throat, fiddling with the knife in his hands. "It was your brothers'. I didn't intend to hold on to it, just used it against him in the fight and turned my attention to you the second I could. It wasn't until a few days later that I noticed it among my things." he paused, leaning so that he could look at Ba'anra. "What do you want to do with it, darling?"

Ba'anra moved to sit next to Astarion and carefully took the knife from his grasp.

"Do you remember when you asked me why I would go to the trouble to change my body to get breasts, but not a vagina? And I told you that I just always wanted to be a women with a cock?" she looked at him expectantly.

"I - yes darling, I remember" he scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, clearly not following the connection.

"Well, I remember one time when Atreus was raping me, he told me that I was lucky I was a man because if he got me pregnant he would have to kill me. And he chuckled about it y'know, like it was some sick joke. But it terrified me. Because I knew that he would have, without a second thought." She paused as she pulled her knees to her chest, still holding the knife in front of her and avoiding looking at her partner. "This was well before I knew I was a woman, obviously, but the fear that I felt in that moment was so visceral, and stayed with me even years after I escaped, that when I decided to transition, how I wanted to transition was almost entirely fueled by the fear that he would find me and hurt me again." Ba'anra chances a glance at Astarion and finds him almost buzzing with suppressed rage. She continues before he can say anything, "Every year he did not find me, I grew angrier at myself for the choice I made, for letting him control my life even after I had escaped. But when he attacked me, he proved that I made the correct decision. And with him dead, I think I can finally move on, and start living my life for me."

[armedjoy]

a long and (later on) personal post about my engagement and future on this site beneath the cut

to start, some observations about my time here:

disco elysium holds the record for the first fandom im truly engaging with. i check the tags, read the 'spinoff' fiction, its fun. one could say our ideological milieus here are themselves a fandom, but in terms of something thats strictly media, this is it. going on 11 years here and thats what broke the streak, its that fucking good.

i regret deleting my sideblog 'information-nexus' back in '15. it was an organized and well-tagged news, theory, "how-to", and resource blog, but it was taking way too much of my time. i was attempting to make a whole ass virtual library on tumblr, which is far too ambitious for one person, especially considering that it would never pay bills. i shouldve opened it up to some friends to co-mod it and dialed back my involvement. oh well

i regret less the deletion of 'film-space' in '14. posts were just the movie poster with a brief summary of the plot and then a quick review. i came up with my own system that reworked the 4 star ratings into how id recommend based on genre preferences. film reviews in print seem to belabor the point and online reviews seem to lean too heavily on arbitrarily defined scoring. the point should be to either encourage or dissuade readers from seeing it, not remind them you're the wittiest person in the room or that you've atomized the medium into an exploded diagram, and i held to that. it forced me to watch movies more critically wrt to both the art form and the politics it portrayed. but i took an extended break from the site and lost momentum. it just seemed... pointless

ive been pretty bad with managing every inbox/ chat ive ever had - except this one, the personal blog. i tell myself "i'll get around to answering that" and thats been a lie most of the time. the vast majority of my time here is spent reading things that cross my dash, so getting a question on a completely different subject seems to exceed my bandwidth. i genuinely enjoy most of my interactions here but im simply not in the correct mindset most days. that said, most of the mail 'left-reminders' has gotten just feels like im being asked to do an undergrads homework.

i havent posted my face in, what, 8 years? which i might change. i mean im already fucked - ive posted some wild shit before [REDACTED] was a meme, and my face is already linked to this blog & backed up somewhere at fort meade. whats another hole in an already sunk ship, yeah?

funnily enough, i originally joined to post my photography & short stories. look how that turned out lmao

why am i posting this? ive been seriously evaluating my continued presence here. for some time ive had a desire to leave, which up to this point has been greatly outweighed by the reasons to stay. there are other platforms that are bigger, faster, algorithmically supercharged to provide every niche interest you allow it to know... but im still not as invested as i am here. tumblr's appeal is equal parts utilitarian and sentimental - no other platform has been this educational, informing, and entertaining. this place really is the internets bleeding edge for both humor and anarchist/ communist discourse. and for more personal reasons, i have greatly valued sharing this little corner of the internet with you all. i have enjoyed sharing each of your interests and discussions, witnessing your personal developments. know that this random guy on the internet is & always has been rooting for you.

ive had some serious rough patches over the last decade, and ive used this site as a grounding rod as much as a resource and social outlet. but my friend group is vast now, im living healthier, and im making positive changes. for the first in a very long time, i am truly feeling better, finally moving beyond 'managing' into 'growing.' and more than anything, i need to grow creatively.

simply put, writing fiction is the calling of my heart. and if im to commit to it, i cannot divide my attention. beyond being my sole committed creative outlet, it helps me manage daily life. writing feels like gardening: in the structure it builds to do it right, the determination it requires to continue when i fail, and the joy it inspires when i create. when an idea settles in and i can piece it together while going about my day, only sitting down to write when i know most of it. the emotion i experience after unwinding something that has rooted itself around my mind is tremendous and complicated - it feels like an exorcism, of sorts. the feverishness that seizes me to get it all down before it slips away, the relief when i know i can finally move on, the pride of creation, and the dreadful anticipation of being read - all of it is a bittersweet cup that i will gladly return to.

i need to make space for that, with whatever little amount of bandwidth i have to work with. i refuse to wake up one day knowing that i have postponed the only thing thats ever meant a damn to me, only to realize ive run out of time. i will not squander whats left.

at some point, i know i need to put this behind me. this, and several other self-imposed obligations, must greatly diminish or disappear entirely. it might be in a few weeks or a year, but it has to happen. i might keep this one up, sporadically popping in for occasional exchanges, and pass off the sideblogs to someone else. i've already scrubbed the archive. or maybe i'll just delete entirely; perhaps virtual presences are best if they resembled a sand mandala, something designed to be swept away to make space for something - or someone - new.

i had to write this down, get this all out, if only for myself. i cannot begin to estimate the amount of time ive spent here, so it had to be said for my own reconciliation of that time... and to keep myself to it.

when im ready to leave, i'll let you all know.

[whumpfessional]

It's Alive

Thalia might be the most chatty zombie the Captain has met. It doesn't help her case.

CW: Restraints, it as a pronoun, electric shocks

Thalia could hear the voices from down the hallway before they got through her door. 

“How is it responding?”

“Aggressively, Captain, but not ferally. The reports were correct about its cognitive abilities.”

“Good, hopefully it will see more reason than its witch did.” 

The door slammed open and the blonde person who Thalia could assume was called Captain stormed in. They came to stand right next to Thalia, looking down at them. 

“I hope you understand the gravity of the situation that you are in at the moment.” They looked over Thalia, sneering slightly, “We are mandated to kill you but that order has been stayed for the moment. If you can tell us how that witch-“ the word spat out of his mouth filled with vitriol- “brought you to existence, we will show mercy. What do you say?” 

Thalia shifted, testing her bonds as she glared up at her. “First, what the fuck have you done to her? You didn’t answer my question.” She enunciated through anger. “Secondly I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m scarred from my accident, I’m not some fucking Frankenstein, no one made me, asshole-.” She bit back more insults, forcing herself to take an unnecessary breath to calm down.

“Look. There’s been a misunderstanding. You want my life’s story? Once upon a time I was an okay standup. After a gig, what I thought was some crazy person bit me and I didn’t think anything of it until a car hit me a week later and I died and came back. Not unlike a certain bearded guy who was nuts about forgiveness that I’m assuming you’re all for….?”

A bright shock explodes across her skin as the Captain jabs her with a rod of some sort. As she cries out in pain, a snarl claws its way out of Thalia’s throat.  

The captain gave a smirk down at the animalistic noise, “Ah ah ah. Let’s not get off topic. Clearly you aren’t going to be cooperative.” The blonde held up a finger. “One last chance before we get to do this my way. We have it from a reliable source that the witch created you. Tell me how it happened.”

“Then your source lies.” Thalia coughed, wincing as her head jerked in place. “All I know is it’s some kind of parasite I have, I don’t know what to tell you. What you should know is if you keep me here too long without feeding, the parasite will take over. I’m going to be unable to answer any of your dumb questions or be reasoned with. Oh, and Captain, by then it’ll be too late because people are going to be looking for us, people with connections and power. Now seriously, let us go.” Through the fear, Thalia tries to steadily meet their gaze. 

The Captain stabs the rod into the middle of Thalia’s chest. Electricity courses through Thalia’s chest, muscles spasming uncontrollably in reaction. Her head slams back into the headrest, eyes held tightly closed before the rod is removed. Thalia is able to taste blood in her mouth, realizing that she bit down on her tongue in the process.

“It’ll be nice to do things my way,” the captain says as they turn their back on Thalia, heading out again. “See you in a bit. I’ve got to go get ready.”

Thalia sucks the blood down again, her leg shooting out in an attempt to trip the retreating captain. “Fucker!”

The captain was too far away, simply shaking their head. “Such foul language she taught It.”

Thalia stayed limp after her attempt until the door shut, bringing her hands to her face as she began to desperately gnaw at the bonds around her wrists.

[thatbostonbooknerd]

Rose Gold

Chapter Four: Ilithyia

“You’re with the Rising.” 

“The Republic,” she corrects him. Finally, she turns to face him once more, her features softening. “Now, I don’t suppose you know where the food is on this ship? I’m starving and we’ve got a long ride ahead of us.” 

Cassius finds that the Raa and their Krypteia left the food stores untouched. “The good news is, we recently stocked up,” he tells Ilithyia.

She quirks a eyebrow. “Is there bad news to go along with that?” 

He shrugs. “Depends on how picky you are about your culinary options.”

She can’t hold back a soft groan. Wonderful, two months of instant noodles and protein packets. And this after months living among the Raa, with their careful rations. Come to think of it, instant noodles might actually be an improvement. 

Minutes later, they sit in awkward silence at a small, round table. He gulps down the soup, while she eats hers carefully. He finishes before her, staring at the practiced motions in disbelief. Is he always this rude? She doesn’t expect much from men like him, but basic manners are among those few expectations. 

“You’re not at a gorydamn gala on Luna,” he says at last. 

The last of the noodles gone, she carefully sips a spoonful of the broth, pausing to level an icy glare his way. “That is not news to me. Are you always this moody?” 

“I am when I’ve gotten royally fucked in a duel and there’s no stims to take the edge off.” 

She hadn’t even thought to steal some before she freed him. Loathe as she is to apologize, she does anyway, and he softens with a sigh, waving away the apology as though to tell her let’s not talk of it anymore. 

“Do you need help getting back to your bunk?” she asks, but he shakes his head vehemently. 

“No, I can’t be in that room. I need to—” He shakes his head again, unable to finish. She waits patiently, and finally, he explains. “It was his room. I never realized…he’d painted his house sigil across the ceiling. I should have seen it, should have known he spent every night dreaming of getting it back. I suppose he’s doing just that, heading back with the Rim’s army at his back.” 

There’s so much under the surface of those words. He’s talking of the Lune boy, Lysander. She hadn’t paid attention to where she lay him and where she found another bed, exhausted from the escape. Ilithyia’s irritation ebbs, and she says quietly, “I didn’t know that. I’ll switch sleeping quarters with you.” 

He doesn’t protest. She offers her arm, and he accepts; it’s a sign of how much pain he’s in, for a man like him doesn’t take help from a Pink easily. Well, not this sort of help, that is. 

“You don’t like me,” he mumbles as she lays him against the pillows where she had lain her own head the night before. 

“I don’t know you,” she says. It’s easier to avoid the question. 

Unfortunately, even in his pained and exhausted state, he sees right through that. “And yet, you still don’t like me. Why?” 

She could simply walk away without answering. That would probably be the smarter thing to do. But since when has she chosen the smarter thing to do? So she tells him. “Because whether you’re in the Society or the Republic, men like you will never think twice of using girls like me, then tossing us aside like trash and laughing at the whore you discarded. Because men like you will do that even as they fight for the Rising, speaking of breaking chains but never once considering the girls who let themselves be shackled again just to pass along information. They’ll use that information, then they make deals with the men those girls had to degrade themselves before in order to get that information, and the girls are forgotten. Like everything they did meant nothing at all.”

He looks confused. She doesn’t care if he’s confused, or if he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She doesn’t get to be confused. If only she could be so oblivious to what it means to be a Pink, but that’s not a luxury she can have. 

She presses her lips into a thin line. He’s still badly wounded, and he doesn’t need her bitter monologues, so she backtracks. “It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need to like you, I know you tried to do the right thing back there. But the boy made sure that was in vain, so the war is about to get much worse. If you meant what you said to the Raa, then that means that whether or not we like each other, we are on the same side. That far outweighs the question of whether or not I like you, wouldn’t you agree?” 

His brow furrows like a child practicing math for the first time. “I don’t think anyone’s ever told me to go fuck myself in quite that many words before.” 

In spite of herself, she smiles. “Sleep well, Cassius au Bellona. I promise to be nicer to you tomorrow.” 

[theharrowing]

hello, mother 😈🥰. i want: 🤲 📚 ⌛ 💥

hello, my darling child! thank you so much for asking (sorry it has taken me 24 hours to respond lmaoooo)

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

yes, honestly, that is the dream. i might have a story in mind that i want to write, which i will probably do as a fanfic first, then adapt into a novel later. hopefully i will begin that project next year!

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

it takes me anywhere from a day to a week lol. it depends on what i am writing, how excited i am to be writing, and how much homework i have.

💥 How do you feel about criticism?

there is...no easy answer for this. i am definitely open to constructive criticism, and i try not to take it too personally, but if people are just complaining for the sake of complaining, i can get bitchy. i do this for free, i'm not asking for criticism, and there's no need to complain about something you could simply not read.

but it depends on the person, the criticism, etc. i seek out constructive opinions from writer and reader friends all the time, as it is, and i am always very happy for their feedback.

i would definitely never give criticism unless asked, and i hope that others do the same.

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

this is going to be a bit long! it's from a fic for a fest where namjoon meets jungkook on grindr, and things get...interesting.

JayKay97 Well, hello, BonsaiDaddy94. I love the username. I don't see a "daddykink" tag on your profile, though, so am I correct to assume that it is just a clever way to say you have a lot of plants?

Namjoon chuckles to himself and nibbles on the inside of his lip, turning onto his side as he stares at the screen. He wants to respond, but feels anxiety swirl around, making him dizzy and a bit nauseated. 

On one hand, if they have nothing in common, he can just move on—no harm done. But on the other, he would feel pretty bummed if he shot his shot with someone as cute as JayKay97 seems to be, only to fuck it up. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes on the exhale, attempting to find some inner peace. 

BonsaiDaddy94 Hey, JayKay97! I do happen to have a lot of plants. And I was just being clever. I suppose it's never too late to discover a new kink, though.

Immediately after hitting send, Namjoon feels embarrassed and mutters, "What am I doing," under his breath. He wonders if JayKay97 will read the message and think he is an idiot. He almost searches naver to find out whether or not one can delete a message that has been sent over Grindr, but then three little dots pop up, and Namjoon feels his heart pound in his chest with anticipation. As soon as a new message appears, Namjoon gasps and holds in his breath.

JayKay97 Wow, you're cute, aren't you? Do you work out, daddy? Do you mind if I call you daddy?

The breath that Namjoon had held in comes out as a scoff, and he reads the message three times, swallowing a lump in his throat as he decides what to say next. He hovers his thumbs over the keyboard, but the three dots pop back up. 

JayKay97 By the way, I found you in fresh faces. Is this your first time on the app?

BonsaiDaddy94 This is my first time on the app. And you may call me daddy, though...I'm not sure what I would call you. Maybe I should have searched naver for daddy kink terms before responding. 

BonsaiDaddy94 And yes, I do work out. 

Namjoon tosses his phone to his bed and sinks low on his pillow, pulling the soft, dark comforter up to his chin. Everything about this feels ridiculous, and yet, he already likes talking to JayKay97. The guy seems charming and charismatic, and Namjoon likes that he leads the conversation. 

Feeling antsy about having his notifications turned off, Namjoon reaches around for his phone, hitting his open palm against the mattress several times before finding the device and pulling it to his face. He opens the app to see two more messages from JayKay97, and he smiles hard.

JayKay97 Wow, an app virgin. To what do I owe the pleasure? Are you here for hookups, or are you one of the many fools who come to this sordid place looking for a relationship?

JayKay97 Also, I suppose if you're daddy, I'm baby boy. Baby is fine, too. 

One of the many fools who come to this sordid place looking for a relationship. Namjoon hates how the phrasing makes his heart sink—hates how he already feels a connection despite knowing absolutely nothing about this guy. Sure, his profile states weight, height, and body type, but someone could put anything into those fields; there is no guarantee of authenticity. 

Namjoon nearly gives up and goes to bed, abandoning the conversation entirely. But then he decides to give honesty a chance. Worst case scenario, he remains as lonely as he already is. 

BonsaiDaddy94 I'm not really sure why I am on here, tbh. My friends complain about how "terminally single" I am, (their words,) so three beers and a lot of peer pressure later, here I am. I guess part of me is foolish enough to want a relationship; I've never really done hookups. But I'm open to possibilities.

BonsaiDaddy94 What about you, baby boy? What brings you here?

Namjoon types and deletes baby boy several times before deciding to keep it. If, in fact, there is a chance that JayKay97 will want to get to know him after this pathetic revelation, he figures being flirtatious will work in his favor. And as the three little dots pop back up, his anxiety swirls, once again.

JayKay97 I'm here to find a cutie to fuck. Plain and simple. But I guess I am not opposed to the idea of a relationship. Nobody on here really tries to get to know you like that, in my experience. In fact, this is probably the most I have talked to someone without them asking if I am willing to host.

At this, Namjoon feels a wave of disappointment. Of course, there is no reason to; he came to a hookup app and is now being told that the users are just here to look for hookups. So why does he feel let down?

BonsaiDaddy94 Ah. I guess that makes sense. Well, I won't waste your time if you're just looking for a quick fuck. Not that I'm not interested in you; I just like to get to know people a little better before getting to know them like that. 

With a sigh, Namjoon drops his arm to the bed and stares at his ceiling. Since he has already jumped over the hurdle of downloading an app for meeting others, he reasons he will have no qualms with also downloading a proper dating app. 

Tomorrow, he tells himself. He has already been through enough tonight.

send me some writing asks!

[s3ungm1nxxl0ve]

Pretty Pet // Lee Minho

This is a fanfiction!! It is NOT real!

Warnings: reader having money problems, readers mother leaving her, mean leeknow ( forgive me pls 😞🙏) , reader becoming a pet for leeknow, sort of blackmailing?? (Idk the word, im not english sryy), kissing

Let me know if I forgot

Not proof read!

(I AM NOT ENGLISH SO THERE MIGHT BE MISTAKES)

I rlly like it hehe might make part 2!!

———————————————————

Lee minho.

That was his name, the richest boy on campus

He was rich, filthy rich.

Yet also a mean person who never cared about others

He always comes to school in a limo or a rolls-royce, while you on the other hand, weren’t so stable when it came to money.

Your mother had left due to an argument when you were little, and you father was left to provide for the both of you.

You worked a few part-time jobs to bring more money in, yet it wasn’t always enough.

Which is why you vowed to study hard and become rich later, and to spoil your father for staying with you when your mother had left.

One day, he invited you to a party of his.

He walked up to you and said:”Hey (y/n)!! Im throwing my birthday party this weekend on sunday! Wanna come?”

You were surprised but agreed, since you didn’t have money to buy nice clothes you just wore a normal, simple dress to his party.

As soon as you arrived, Leeknow’s friends started laughing really hard.

You just stood there, clueless, while Leeknow came up to you.

“Are you serious? I give you an invitation to my party and you actually have the audacity to show up like this?”

“What?!” You were quite annoyed,

“Your too broke to buy nice clothes?” He mocked.

You just stared at him angrily.

“Well not everyone is born with a golden spoon yknow?..” you mutter out.

“I made this money myself, you peasant.”

And then the others laughed at your mistake, while you stood there embarrassed.

“Gosh youre so dumb.”

And that was it.

You snapped as you slapped him and ran away.

The guests were all flabbergasted.

It was so silent you could hear a pin fall.

You just got to the exit and dialed a taxi to brung you home.

Little did you know, it was probably not a smart choice to do that..

The next day came, you got ready and left for college.

Everyone was whispering about you and giving you mean glances.

You simply chose to ignore this and went up to your locker.

You opened your locker and out your stuff in it.

But then as you turned around you noticed someone behind you.

You looked up and saw Leeknow starring daggers at you.

“You think you’re going to get away with embarrassing me at my OWN party?”

You then pushed him away and went to your class.

After all your lessons you went to the school bathroom.

Leeknow silently followed you in the hall and before you got inside the bathroom he pinned you to the wall besides the door.

“Gotcha”

He whispered.

“Please stop” you said.

“Ill make your life a fucking hell, I’ll make sure your dad gets fired” he then answered.

“What?!- who do you think you are? You can’t just do that?!”

“Yes I can and I will.”

He gripped your wrist so hard it was painful.

“O-Ow.. you whimpered out

You started tearing up.

“Aww, is the little brat gonna cry?” He cooed.

After a while he said this: “you know what? Let’s make a deal, you become my pet and listen to every single thing I tell you to do, and in return I will spoil you, make sure your dad will keep his job.

I’ll let you have a little taste of how it is to be rich.”

He said.

“Y-Your pet?..” you mutter out confused.

“Correct, if you become my pet nothing bad will happen to you, trust me, I will spoil you and you can spend my money all you want.” He smirks.

Gently tucking your hair behind your ears and leaning in closer.

“C-Can I give some of that money to my dad?..” you whispered.

“Hmm, if you’re a good pet then I guess it wont hurt to do so.” He shrugged.

“Okay then..” you agreed…

“Good, now come with me, we’re skipping school to go on a.. what was it?.. a shopping spree or sum.”

You silently complied and walked behind him as he led you to his car.

You stepped in and immediately noticed the expensive smell of wood and vanilla mixed together.

Leeknow gave his driver a location to go to as you put on your seatbelt.

Soon you guys were driving through the city, with the sky a mix of orange and pink, the clouds looking beautiful.

Oh boy… was this a good idea?…

///////////////////////////////////////////

OKAY SO HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED IT!!

I wanna make part 2 sooo bad, I just hope people will see and read this thoughhhh

Anyways, if you read it all then thank you so so much!! ✨

[bigmack2go]

What are your favorite audition tips?

Im just gonna assume youre talking about acting because thats the only thing that i do with auditions lol.

But it still depends: theatre or camera acting?

Starting with camera acting: you usually start out small which makes your competition 1: less and 2: easier to beat. But you shouldn’t rely on that! Also (you will get told this a lot but thats simply because its true) you will get so many no‘s. The important thing is to not let that stop you.

Some really specific tips for the audition itself:

Don’t say anything when you finish your script. Dont go „yeah thats it“ or immediately break character. Just look at them. They will notice you’re done trust me lmao.

Look up some questions you might get asked and think about your answers before hand. I personally have trouble to form sentences in a situation instantly so i sort of make sure to prepare myself some sentence structures to use 💀. Also prepare a shit with info about your self. It’s easy to get overwhelmed in the situation even if it’s about yourself.

Make sure you present the script youre acting with personality. You dont KNOW the author’s intention so just use your own honestly. They can always correct it later and it’s not like it‘s gonna be used for anything else. But it will show that you can represent the thing that you intend to represent.

Dont forget that camera acting is almost exclusively about realistic acting. Even if your competition isn’t much you should still show your potential

You mess up? Dont fucking apologise, keep going. Don’t correct yourself, move the hell on.

As for theatre it’s really important to show the casters that you have character. Im not completely sure why but it’s sp much more important to have a good personality as an actor in theatre than in camera acting. I think that’s probably because its live; if you accedantly brake character on stage you need to be able to ‚laugh it off‘ etc as to not be unsympathetic and also to keep the fuck going and not correcting yourself.

Soecific tips:

Be confident. You learn this when learning to write a letter of application: speak as if you know your going to get that role not as if you might. For example: dont:„if i get this role i would…“ do: „if i get this role i will…“ (DONT do this for camera acting. Most camera casters are huge fucking assholes that are judgy as fuck and arrogant to death but as soon as you are too: you are fucking done. Especially as a beginner. Yes, be confident, but scratch the letter if application thingy)

Theatre auditions are about talentS not just talent. Show the casters that you have a wide range of skills. If necessary show that you may not be as good in all of them as you would be if its only one (but dont if you dont have to lol)

In theatre acting is different than for camera acting so make sure you use your fucking face and voice (and body). No one fucking cares if u over act! Snap the hell out of it and get ur judgy little ass together!

[lostchildofacowardlyfather]

You fucking coward

Hello. We haven't said hello in a very long time. Perhaps we never really did. I don't know what I mean to write tonight. I hesitate between letters and poetry, fact and fiction, answers or questions.

On the one hand, it feels like trying to make something lovely out of this, is just another defense mechanism. On the other hand, perhaps I am not and will never be ready for how simple and ugly this really is. 

Honesty doesn’t need to be ugly. That’s just something I tell myself, so that whatever loveliness I manage, must be considered a lie. But I will grit my teeth now and refuse to sardonically say that of course my only loveliness is in my lies. It isn’t.

What, then, is lovely? I don’t know. But I know now, at least, that I hid it and lost it, because of you. Because you left me to think I had nothing to offer, and you never came back to correct me. 

I should hate you for that. But even hate is swallowed by that great big void that I had to use to cover it all up. My bi hungry tarp of nothin, that has come to conceal every feeling I cannot handle.

Which as it happens, is now most of them. All because of you. And why? I still only know second-hand stories of why my young life was never complete. You were selfish and unavailable, distant and absent, for so long before the divorce even happened. But knowing what I know now of people, I suspect more strongly than ever, the worst of motives. 

You were, and are, a coward. A fucking, weak-willed, pathetic coward. You had so much privilege already, a job ten times better than you earned or deserved. A family to come home to. Loving parents. And still, you had to have more.

You had to control your intelligent wife, to keep her small. You just had to bet everything on investments you couldn't possibly understand. You had to prove so much.  Family was just an appropriate accessory for a man like you, though.

And when it all kept falling apart, over and over again, of course you could never admit fault. That would have required course, and empathy. Instead, you couldn't even face the trophy of a wife you’d disappointed a thousand times before, and you simply fled.

You fled to another life. To a woman you could bully,, and children you could impress or get rid of as you saw fit. Never mind that you mired your first family in a pile of shit so tall, we’re still climbing out of it 20 years later. 

Never mind the children who always missed out on a whole-ass adult that they needed. Never mind the special days, when a text message was meant to make us forget about missed hugs, love, and laughter. Never mind our darkest days, when a man who had lived and was supposed to love us, should have been there for us. 

All because, time and time again, you were too much of a coward to admit your mistakes and your ineptitude.

I wear my humility like armour, and I now begin to wonder if I am not simply trying - in yet another way - to avoid being like you. 

Anything but that. It sickens me that we might be similar. It’s worse to think that I may have made even one of your mistakes in a similar way. But most of all, I am so angry that I only have examples of what sort of man not to be. Even though you were always going to be flawed, could you not at east have chosen to be brave about it?

Could you not at least have given me someone I coud have tried to love?

You fucking coward.