#the courage to change the things i can

[motherhenna]

am I the only one who's starting to feel like self care culture and therapist speak has lowkey done some serious damage to a lot of mentally ill young people over the last 8 or so years? It's literally the perfect vehicle for justifying insanely unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions but I haven't heard anybody talking about it on here. Instead, I keep seeing posts that are like "be gentle with yourself: go at whatever pace is comfortable for you" and "it's okay to say no to things you don't want to do" but like...what if that thing you don't want to do is taking a shower or leaving the house or cooking your own meal at home? What if moving at a pace that is "comfortable" for you means you still haven't stopped smoking for the last decade because nicotine withdrawal and anxiety are not "comfortable"? And hey--at least you're only smoking ONE pack a day instead of two now, so that's almost as good as quitting entirely!

I'm saying all this as someone who is only just now coming out the other side and realizing how much of my late teens and twenties I've wasted because of my lack of accountability and aversion to the hard work that's necessary for recovery from addiction, eating disorders, and depression...and the whole time, I thought I was just practicing self care. But a lot of us should probably take a closer look at our behavior and ask ourselves, "is this really self care? Or is this just complacency, fear of failure, and denial?"

There's a word in addiction treatment that's used to describe family members, friends, or partners who give into their deeply disordered loved one's every demand--even when they know it's hurting them: enablers. I've seen a documentary of a 700 lb immobile man who was still managing to pile on weight because his wife went out every day and brought him every kind of junk food he asked for, all while claiming to love him more than anything else. But genuine, healthy love isn't watching your partner literally waste away before your eyes because you'd rather make him happy in the short-term: it's being fucking honest, and helping them get the assistance they need to get better even if you have to drag them kicking and screaming into rehab. And I'm of the belief that a lot of you out there end up confusing self-love / self-acceptance with self-enabling. One is easy while the other requires you to wake up and do the work every single day, even when it's ugly and messy and painful.

And listen--if your therapist has given you the full go-ahead to take the whole "gentle" route, or it's clearly working out really well for you, then by all means: keep at it. But more often than not, I think we need to stop wrapping ourselves in cotton. The way we treat ourselves should be how we'd ideally parent a child: obviously the overly harsh, critical, strict route rife with threats and punishment is a recipe for disaster, but the other extreme can be extremely damaging too. An overly compliant, indulgent parent who gives into their kid's every whim is likely going to produce selfish, entitled brats who have no concept that their actions have consequences. Neither approach is going to do their children many favors in the long run.

While I'm not fond of the boomer bootstrapping rhetoric, as I think a lot of it comes from an extremely skewed perspective of reality and the expectation that "if I can do it, everybody else should be able to do it just as easily", I also can no longer stand by the victimhood mentality so many fellow young millennials / gen z'ers seem to be living by. Because I spent the last ten years wallowing in it and all it gave me was lowered standards, a million excuses, self pity, and obesity. And it fucking sucks to confront the fact that you are ultimately the one who's responsible for your own behavior as an adult: it means you can't just blame it on society or your parents or your illness or whatever 'ism or 'phobia applies. Are all those things contributing factors that should be taken into account? Absolutely. Should you compare your progress to more privileged people's and feel shame that it's taking longer? No. But that doesn't mean you have no control of your life and choices--that you're powerless to do anything but wait for someone else to save you. Unless you're literally being held hostage at gunpoint, there are always things you can do to `improve your life and yourself. So next time you want to give up on a dream of yours, or justify not changing out of your pajamas for a fortnight in the name of self care, maybe ask yourself what an enabler would do vs. what a true friend would do

[cygnusxxii]

calculus.....

[lucky-clover-gazette]

compilation of damen “my wife is a bitch and i like him so much” moments i clipped/highlighted during my first reading. it may seem that damen is professing dislike for laurent in some of these, but i'm certain that in books 2&3 he'd write the insults in glitter gel pen with little hearts in the margins. he enables laurent's evil zoomies (usually to the detriment of everyone else around them) with equal parts affection and horrified fascination. damen knows his dog will bite everyone in a ten foot radius, but still takes him to the park unleashed because the foul beast needs enrichment. he posts pictures of laurent terrorizing the neighborhood on instagram and describes them as #cute in the caption. if anyone tries to suggest otherwise they are blocked on sight.

honorable mention to this quote from book 1 which doesn't quite fit the theme but still made me laugh very hard:

[idalenn]

To reach The unreachable star

[invinciblerodent]

himh I'll make a Dark Urge that's so fucking scared

big scary bloodsoaked killer, tearing through armies with her literal bare hands? nah. a quiet, scared girl who doesn't understand why she does what she does, why she can do what she can, but is, at the same time, deeply disgusted by herself because she has just enough self-awareness to know to be repulsed.

maybe it's because I'm a tiny bit obsessed with clinging to the thought that people, at the end of the day, are fundamentally good, no matter what. that there is a fundamental human goodness in all people that makes them worthy of redemption, or at least of the opportunity for atonement.

maybe the way I want to play a story like that is with someone who, stripped from indoctrination and free for the first time to think for herself and embrace and be who she is, finds that in the deepest, most hidden pits of her soul, she is not the strong, kind, resilient person she might want to be. try as the might, she is not someone who can bear the weight of her own past, she's just a... a terrified, broken little girl, cowering in the shadows and unable to look herself in the eye. (which also gives me ideas for her relationship with Orin but that's a little bit beside the point)

cathartic self-insert who. therapy? what is that. is it on Steam or Epic.

[pepprs]

i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

[oh2e]

I’m reading Good Omens again and thinking about how Crowley and Aziraphale aren’t really men and aren’t really humans etc. Then I started thinking about the sentiment that even if being queer was a choice, people would still choose to be queer and how Aziraphale choses to appear as a gay man. He choses to be the kind of person who gets called “the southern pansy”. That’s a choice that he made.

[subtlesolitude-tailoredtaste]

I have been drowning in quicksand for 4 1/2 years.

Happy Birthday to me. If I ever amass a fortune it would go to proper funding and fight for legislation for safe humane abortions and safe humane assisted suicide.

Until then, I will shut the fuck up and smile at the table. Just like home just like family just like culture.

Shoutout to the Uber rides where the drivers waxed poetic about how hope is a harmful meaningless lie and useless and I should stop it “no offense” and I quoooooote.

Shoutout to the 47 year old for the sobering conversation, I hope it scares me enough to get up get out and get something by any means necessary fuck family. Thanks man.

Thanks mom for these past 4 years you broke my heart while I was trying not to break yours. It’s not your fault none of it, you’re not a victim you’re a survivor. I pray God grants her a thriving life.

🏳️🏳️🏳️

so many chances ya know. so much trauma most before age 10 lollll fear and self loathing. “What a waste, I’m sorry.” On a slab of rock buried if these customs cont to exist.

whatever happens happens, it is what it is.

attitude gratitude regardless. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈

[butchviking]

like its not enough to just have the general natural struggles that are going to come with being part of a minority group its not enough to feel kind of isolated and weird and different and left out of things for being gay theyve got to actually make a point of telling you youre bad and youre doing something wrong or its a moral fault or something like you could choose to be different. if i could choose to be into dudes i would in a heartbeat and its not even because of the homophobes its not because of anyone who tries to actively make me feel like theres something wrong with me its just because of the general sense of social alienation from the majority of people being heterosexual. the actual homophobia is just like. pointless and unnecessary girl if i could change this i already would've so what do you think you're doing here. what do you think you're achieving.

[itspileofgoodthings]

I just want to meet someone who looks at me and says “you know what, you’re right” about all the things I believe most deeply at my core and who wants to live them with me and next to me in a complementary way.

[february-academia]

28.04.2023

So much happened this week. (In tags I'll rant about it)

N4 is coming and my prep is not at all good. Took a test today and i failed🥲. But i know my prep is soo bad,it was bound to happen. So have to study for that.

College exams are coming🥹 also have to study for that. The dissertation proposal is in the finalising stage,so that's good. But have to work on it properly imo.

Then i also proposed another research study to my professor and he has encouraged me to go for it. So,also have to work on it.

These very cutu plants in the scorching heat were a treat to eyes and mind.

Got this book from the library and I'm really enjoying reading the essays.

( correction in a tag- she scored less than me in class and she was all sad sad. With her i had to suppress my happiness at moments like these)

[storge]

Well then, everyone. We will begin Aonami Lantern Festival which is restarted since this year.

17 Sai no Teikoku 1.05

[lunaechaos]

[theophagie]

Support group for people who want to lose weight not for body image issues or anything but because they want to fit into their brothers' trousers since they can't otherwise get their hands on men's clothes

[calledkore]

NOT HER PLACE. Persephone had never bothered much in the affairs of demigods, preferred to keep her nose out of it and anything having to do with the Olympians as a whole. Still... wandering through Camp Halfblood in those months up above brought her a strange sense of amusement.

She'd find her pleasures where she could, these days.

@ximerose​ // ❤

[katealot]

[I.D. A tweet by isacc (@/ass_dentata) that reads "Fuck, marry, kill: the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference” \ End I.D.]