#the disney ones r like fine. but not nearly as good as the books or original movies

[pyrochordis]

shittiest take ive ever heard: “older people still liking star wars is just like millennials with harry potter”

[geeky-politics-46]

The Asgardian Candidate

Loki/The West Wing FanFiction Crossover

Chapter 6 - “A Stranger To The Rescue”

The White House was still in a state of shell shock.

They had suffered two massive blows to their re-election campaign back to back at the hands of Mr. Loki Laufeyson.

The pounding they got in the 2nd debate was one thing. They had one more debate left. They could recover from that, even if it was bad.

What had essentially crippled the campaign nearly beyond salvage was something that had been completely unthinkable, until now. A sitting vice president announcing he was leaving the ticket he was currently on, for the administration he was currently serving in, to run as his challenger’s VP.

The tickets were now Laufeyson/Hoynes & Bartlet/?

After the announcement the president’s poll numbers plummeted, & campaign donors had started to bail. Everyone understood why. They had to find a candidate to run as Bartlet’s vice president. It couldn’t be just a replacement for Hoynes, they had to be better than Hoynes.

If they were going to make any sort of rebound in the polls they had to find the human personification of America itself. A patriot. Someone who could have been born on the 4th of July & made from apple pie.

It was Leo who had stepped forward with the only suggestion. He said he knew a guy who might fit that bill. That he knew him from when he served in the military, well he didn’t know him exactly, but he knew of him. After a few calls, & maybe even a bit of pleading on Leo’s part, the man had agreed to meet the president & discuss joining the ticket.

He too was a novice in politics, like Loki, but if he was half as good as he seemed on paper it wouldn’t matter.

Jed was studying the man’s records & FBI file when Leo opened the door to announce that their potential VP had arrived.

Leo’s assistant led him in & then stood behind the man utterly transfixed. “Thank you Margaret.” Leo said holding the door open for her to exit, but to no avail. “Thank you Margaret… Margaret! Thank you.” Having finally gotten her attention, Margaret quickly turned & left somewhat embarrassed at her own behavior.

Both Jed & Leo could understand why she had been so hypnotized. The man standing before them appeared perfect.

He was tall & broad shouldered, with well defined muscles. A firm yet subtlety squared off jaw, vivid blue eyes, & dirty blonde hair perfectly combed into place. He looked like Disney prince did a stint as a G.I. Joe, & then come to life.

He snapped to attention & saluted as the president rose from his seat. “It’s an honor Mr. President, sir.”

“At ease solider.” Jed responded chuckling, slightly startled by his salute. “Err… actually it’s captain isn’t it?”

The man relaxed & dropped his salute as he responded, “Yes sir, Captain Steve Rogers. If I may speak freely sir, having already been told why I’m meeting with you today. As an officer of the U.S. military I have sworn, as you have, to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign & domestic. Frankly sir, after watching him & hearing his views on how he plans to run this country if elected, I do believe Loki to be a threat to the US & the constitution if he were to be elected as president. I don’t like bullies, no matter where they’re from. Therefore it is with honor & duty that I accept the offer to serve as your running mate.”

Jed & Leo both exhaled deeply for the first time in several days, feeling the muscles in their necks immediately relax.

Jed smiled eyeing the man curiously. Could he feel it too? He had assumed most people younger than Leo & himself couldn’t feel the air of the great dictator that Loki gave off. How could they? They had never seen it in person before, or heard the tails of war while watching the flashes of pained memory in their parent’s eyes. Sure there were movies & museums, but real first hand memories of the last World War & those who could share them were all but completely gone now. This man seemed almost out of his time. As if he escaped from an era long gone, but remained untouched himself by the hands time. A memento of what America could be at it’s best.

Captain Rogers did have a couple caveats of his own to offer in negotiation with President Bartlet. He wanted to serve with honor, & he wanted to make sure he was able to execute the office in the best way he could if they won. “I do have a couple requests to make of you sir, if I am to serve as your vice president. The first is that I want us to be completely honest with each other, & if we disagree we hash it out in private together. The second is that I want to be the last person in the room on major decisions. If I’m going to serve as your right hand then I want to really participate.”

Bartlet was slightly taken aback at the younger man’s forwardness & candor. It was a far cry from John Hoynes, who had at times roiled against Jed’s decisions. Even going so far as to on occasion leak a disagreement to the press when he was really in a snit with him. Leo had always attributed John’s ill behavior to Jed coming from behind in the primaries to steal the nomination away from him. However in just a few sentences Steve Rogers proved he had more heart & backbone than John Hoynes had managed in nearly 5 years.

It Jed’s mind it wasn’t even a question. He knew he could trust this man. He felt it in his bones. He still dutifully glanced toward Leo awaiting his silent approval. Leo simply gave a single nod. They agreed to Captain Roger’s requests without hesitation.

President Bartlet then gratefully held out his hand towards the captain, “Well I guess I shouldn’t get too used to calling you Captain Rogers then. By the time I remember I’ll have to start calling you Vice President Elect Rogers instead.”

The two men shook hands & sealed their political fates to each other. If they won then they won together, if they lost then they lost together.

Captain Rogers smiled brightly & gave a slight nod as he clutched the President’s hand “Thank you, sir. You can just call me Steve. I’m with you until the end of the line.”

Leo smirked & jokingly added “See, it wasn’t all that hard finding someone.” For the first time in a long time, lately Leo had found himself tempted to retreat to alcohol. He hadn’t told Jed, but this campaign had him more rattled the longer it went on & Captain Roger’s words seemed to confirm that Leo wasn’t the only one who sensed something very wrong in Loki. To comfort his thoughts he had found himself wanting to escape the campaign problems in the bottom of an empty bottle. After all old habits die hard, & it had been a habit during the first campaign. Now he stood, his hands in his pockets, holding one of his AA chips. Thanking god (or whoever really controlled everything) for Captain Rogers. Without even knowing it, Cap had already protected one person from an enemy. Even if it was just an internal one.

The ticket was now officially sealed. It was set as Bartlet/Rogers.

—————

Perhaps he had underestimated the Midgardian this entire time. Perhaps Bartlet really was a foe worth his time & effort. It made him almost respect the man a little.

He held the front page of The New York Times in his left hand, right hand resting under his chin, studying the headline & image before him. Brow furrowed, causing his gleaming horned crown to shift slightly higher into his raven hairline.

How quaint.

There standing with him arm around the president was Captain Steve Rogers. Both men smiling & waving to the crowd where they announced their new ticket. The papers had already started calling him “Captain America”. Fawning over him as if he was some sort comic book superhero. Some of them had even gone so far as to draw him into one themselves, complete with a stars & stripes jumpsuit & matching shield.

Loki pictured a battle between “Captain America” in full costume & himself in full Asgardian armor. Fine tailored suit morphing into black & green leather with ornate gold plating, & his gold horned crown transforming into his full elaborate helmet. While comical on one hand, Loki was quite a showman. Perhaps in the event of a recount he could conjure up that outfit for the captain & solve the election that way instead. Leaving Bartlet & Hoynes to fight it out amongst themselves.

To Loki’s ears he even spoke like some sort of cartoon as well. All sugar & sweet, yes sir & yes ma’am. He questioned whether this Captain Rogers was even capable of telling a lie. Although the American’s had already had one president who used that schtick before. It was still something the crowd seemed to be eating up. Loki almost wished he’d thought of it himself, but what fun would that be for him really? The god of mischief & lies having to play nice. His nose crinkled & upper lip snarled as his thoughts soured at the very suggestion.

For every devious act or trick Loki had implemented, the Bartlet campaign seemed to be trying to one up him in a the wholesome department. Perhaps it was time to simply match wit for wit. Maybe Loki’s silver tounge had finally met it’s match. His lips pressed into a tight line, ever so slightly pulling his bottom lip in with his teeth as he thought.

The third debate was open topic, questions could come from any area. He figured that would allow him to fair better than the first debate, no need to try to memorize budget statistics or job numbers. He could just as easily pluck a number from someone else’s head. He was sure the intrusion into their mind would go unnoticed if he only did it when he absolutely needed to.

The president though would also surely fair better on the topic of defense this time around. His team would be going through Loki’s responses from the last debate as he sat there. This debate they would be on much more even footing.

He would not hold anything back this time, now that he knew Bartlet could clearly play the game just as well as he could. He would actually have to prepare & study for this debate. As much as he loved reading the idea of spending hours reading about Midgardian matters made him wince.

Loki quickly stood up from the desk. He had to act on his plan quickly before his distaste for spending time with mortals had a chance to outweigh the importance of the debate. He really wanted to win the presidency, otherwise he would never stoop this low.

He walked briskly to the door of his office, yanking the door open so hard it hit the wall with a deep thud. All of Loki’s campaign staffers froze at the sound & a thick silence fell over the entire room. Eyes wide on many of their faces. Loki had them terrified of him.

He resisted the urge to giggle with delight at the terrored faces he had evoked. Instead he calmly & quietly took 2 steps forward into the large open office space. He scanned their faces & inhaled deeply. His mind searching for who could best fulfill his need.

He found 3 faces. A male & 2 females. All rather mousey & plain. Their desks each piled high with binders & newspapers. Computer monitors cluttered with open windows. Yes, these 3 should work nicely.

“You, you, & you.” Loki pointed to each of the 3 as he began his verbal command, voice deep & thick with passioned energy. “In my office. Bring everything you have on Bartlet’s policy positions, & whatever we’ve said mine are. You have 5 minutes! Don’t test my patience.”

Loki immediately turned & strode back into his office,leaving any questions about his order hanging in their air. Eyes quickly darting from person to person around the room in both confusion & curiosity. They only snapped back to the present & returned to their work as they heard the door to Loki’s office slam shut behind him. Time seemed to suddenly unfreeze as staffers began talking again & phones started ringing.

Back in his office Loki positioned himself behind his desk. He had made it this far. He could practically see himself behind the resolute desk in the oval office. It was no golden throne of Asgard, but god he wanted it. His birthright was to rule, & he fully intended to.

[xuteline-blog]

I want you to love me now

read on ao3!

Word Count: 3,489

Pairing: Seonghwa/Hongjoong

Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Feelings Realization, Past Relationship(s), Getting Back Together, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Chatting & Messaging, seonghwa jus wants to be held..., and thats exactly what hongjoong will do!!, Kissing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Not Beta Read

Description:

Seonghwa didn't know who he had expected to be there at Yunho's movie night marathon. All he was told by Yeosang was that he had invited a couple friends over. He had never thought he'd find himself reunited with the very person that taught him what love really was, and to have a chance at it again.

Seonghwa knew what love was. He knew about it before he was even in preschool.

His mother and father, holding hands as they stared into each other's eyes, whispering confessions before giving a peck on the lips to eachother, waving goodbye as one of them left.

His mother and fathers thumbs caressing eachothers hands, sitting on the couch as his fathers arms enveloped his mothers frame, both content, both warm.

His mother and father, in love.

He saw it every day. He knew what love was.

He was told in class once that being in love would be when hes most happiest. He was told in class once that being in love was what everyone wanted. He was told in class once that being in love felt like you were a firework, about to be ignited, and when you saw the person you loved, you would light up, and felt like as if your body was on fire.

He was told about it every day. He knew what love was.

It wasn't until Seonghwa reached his senior years in high school that he contemplated love. Looking back, he had never really felt what people told him love felt like. He had had his fair shares of relationships, and by the way he felt absolutely downtrodden after his breakup with a guy in his class two years ago, he really had thought he had been in love. But maybe... it was just infatuation? Maybe an oblivious case of puppy love.

He remembered the day clearly.

It was stormy, the rain pouring down as Seonghwa looked out the window of the library. He had came here to study, as his last exam was coming up and he couldnt afford to fail. His scholarship depended on it.

He sat alone at a table, the librarian allowing him to keep his hot chocolate as his books and papers laid in front of him, his small makeshift study desk unorganised and messy.

He watched as the rain droplets danced around each other, how they stepped close before stepping back before colliding together, catching eachother and finishing their dance at the bottom of the window pane.

What a weird metaphor, he thought. Rain droplets, two lovers dancing around each other and away, too scared to cross paths before giving their all to their other.

He had never felt such a way.

A hand slammed on his desk, tearing him away from his thoughts. He looked up at the culprit, his wide eyes furrowing as he took in who had scared him.

"Hongjoong," He stopped twirling his pen between his fingers, holding it steady as its tip nearly touched paper. "What do you need?"

"I just wanted to check on you!" Hongjoong smiled, and Seonghwa felt warmth blossom in his chest at the confession. Hongjoong grabbed a chair from the table infront of Seonghwa, turning it to sit at Seonghwas desk. "You've been hauling yourself up here a lot lately, I was worried if you were doing good," Seonghwa fought a smile as the shorter boy sat down, leaning onto Seonghwas table.

"I have been doing fine, just studying," Hongjoong furrowed his eyebrows at the statement.

"But exams have finished?"

"Not this last one, its an exam to confirm whether or not I will be going to my desired University,"

"Oh? But i thought the scholarship covered that?"

"No, it was like a golden ticket. All expenses paid and a course set for me as long as I ace this exam,"

"What happens if you dont pass?"

"They take my scholarship and give it to someone else. They also refer me to other universities and colleges that would suit me if I so ask them too," Hongjoong looked down at the desk, eyes examining the strewn papers as he pouted. Seonghwa could fight the smile that ordained his face.

"Whens the exam?" Seonghwa grabbed one of his textbooks and his writing book, copying a few things down.

"On Friday," Hongjoongs eyes widened, his mouth agape.

"Thats only two days away! You better be studying!"

"You said you came up here because of how ive been," Seonghwa put down his pen, raising his hands to make air quotes. "'Hauling myself up here'"

Hongjoong banged the table, causing a semi loud bang to exho through the library. The librarian looked aorund the corner, pinpointing Hongjoong with her glare and shushing him. Hongjoongs cherks turned red as embarrassment took over him.

"I-I know i said that! I just— didn't you just have your last school exam yesterday, then? Have you been studying for this exam while stuudying for the schools ones, or just started now?" Seonghwa wtched as Hongjoong leaned back in his chair, a pout making its way back onto his face.

"I had been studying for this since Saturday, ap you do not need to worry. In fact, i think this may be my last long study session for a while. I'm pretty confident of where i stand right now," Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, a small smile forming.

"Thats nice to hear. Does that mean you could probably hang out with us tomorrow? We all miss you..." Hongjoong trailed off, having grabbed Seonghwas pen and spinning it on the table. Seonghwa felt more warmth course through his body at the statement. He missed them too.

"I will, do not fret. I've just been—"

"—We know you've been busy! You don't need to say it, we all have been busy!," Seonghwa stared at Hongjoong, the sudden outburst unexpected. "But... That was a yes?" Hongjoong sat up straighter, his eyes wide and sparkling. How cute.

...Cute?

"Yes, I will be there Joongie, don't worry," Hongjoong jumped up, startling Seonghwa. He grabbed Seonghwas hands and held the tight, smiling brightly.

"After school, meet up at the front gates, do not be a single minute late!" And as quickly as Hongjoong had showed up, he ran off, barreling through the library doors with a bang, the librarian looking at Seonghwa with a frown while the boy stared at his hands, caught off guard by what Hongjoong had done.

He traced his left hand with his right, and his right with his left, eyes wide as he felt the tingles in his hands slowly dissipate. He felt somewhat... giddy. A rush from when Hongjoong had touched him. Seonghwa felt heat rise on his cheeks.

And while his body was still riding the high of the moment, from when Hongjoong held his hands, to his bright smiles directed at him, he couldn't help but think 'Oh no'.

***************************

It was a stormy day, and Seonghwa was stuck in his dorm. His roommate had left earlier, telling Seonghwa that he was visiting his parents for the week. So here Seonghwa was, alone in his dorm, a storm playing out right in front of him, and his hands curled around a cup full of hot chocolate as he lived carelessly for the week off. What more could he ask for?

He sipped his hot beverage, humming in content as he swirled the hot chocolate in his mouth, savouring the taste.

As he reminisced in the moment, his phone chimed. Seonghwa turned his head towards his phone, glancing at the notification on the lock screen. He leant over, grabbing the phone and unlocking it. He clicked on the notification, which was a message, and read it.

hehet

would u be free rn?

Seonghwa stared at the message eyebrows furrowed before sighing and putting his hot chocolate down.

pluto

yes I would, why?

also, why pluto

hehet

cuz u aint real 😍😍😌

pluto

what

pluto is real sangie

its just not a planet

sangie.

hehet

omfg stop bullying me

hehet changed pluto's name to bully!

bully

youre insufferable

hehet

u love it

ok anyway what i actually came here for

so ur actually free to do anythin today??

bully

yes sangie, im free today

why, did something happen? do you need me to come over and hang out?

hehet

no no, dw

just needed to make sure so everything goes according to plan

ok so anyway

come meet us at yunhos dorm, were havin a mini movie party n meeting some of his friends!!

bully

oh?

what kind of movies? and what kind of friends?

hehet

idk but not horror thats all i know!! i remember yunho sayin he wanted to watch some disney or nostalgic films so theres that

also !! do not worry abt the friends!!

they r super kind n funny, youll love em :]

bully

youve already met them? thats kind rude :/

hehet

it was by accident :[[

i went over to yunhos to give him back a hoodie he left at our last study sess @ my dorm n i met em!!

it was only for a minute, i was rushin since i was late to class

bully

hmm... ok, ill accept it

what time will it be then?

hehet

at 4 and if yunhos roomate does end up coming home early from his mini trip, itll end at 10, but if not, we can stay the night

bully

not to be rude, but i really hope his roommate does not come back to the dorms until later tomorrow

hehet

same

knowing us, we'd just pass out on the couch anywaybully

ok u guys will, im responsible

hehet

sounds pretty fake ngl :///

bully

ok then, i shall go back to what i was doing before you messaged me

hehet

wait seonghwa i wanna keep talkin im bored :[[

seonghwa??

seongie??

ddeonghwa????

: [

***************************

It was an hour before Seonghwa had to leave. He had just gotten out of the shower, mostly wiped down, but his hair was still dripping.

He shook his head, feeling his hair stick to his face and water droplets fly everywhere. He brought up the towel to his head and vigorously dried his hair.

After drying himself down, he got dressed. Nothing extravagant or formal, but something comfortabe and simple. It was practically a sleep over he was invited to, after all.

It was now 15 minutes till Seonghwa would have to be at Yunho's. He know walking to Yunho's dorm would take at least 10 minutes, since it was not on the other side of campus, but a far bit away.

Seonghwa went through his mental checklist. Phone, check. Charger, check. Earphones, check. Small over the shoulder bag full of snacks, a pair of spare clothes, and an apparent rose flavoured lip balm, check.

At the thought of the lip balm, he licked his lips. His lips had been dry during the week from the cold weather, so he took up Yeosangs advice on picking up one or two lip balms. Of course, he bought the only ones that were supposedly to be what a flower would taste like. He picked up the lip balm, applying it to his lips and smacking them together before putting it back.

He checked the time.

12 minutes left.

He grabbed all his things, his keys jingling in his hands and a dmall umbrella in his pockets. He opened his dorm door, exiting and locking the door before finally leaving the dorm building. He grabbed his umbrella, opening it up once he stepped foot outside, wlaking along the footpath, frowning when he noticed the mud making its way across the path.

He sighed as the rain started to pour harder, his grip tightening on his umbrella.

He did not want to walk back to his dorm through this weather.

***************************

He made it to Yunho's dorm a bit later than he had expected. His shoes were caked in mud, and no, he did not slip in mud, he just wanted to be like Peppa Pig for a fleeting moment.

He knocked on Yunho's door, wiping his shoes off at the mat and taking them off. He shook his umbrella, the water flying everywhere. Maybe he should ahve done that outside, but it was too late now.

The door opened, revealing Yeosang who just pouted.

"You're late," Seonghwa pushed past Yeosang, dropping his umbrella near the door and placing his shoes near the rest. There's definitely a few new pairs there, either Yunho got more shoes, or his friends are already here.

"You try walking here in this weather," A few laughs were heard in the distance. Yep, definitely here.

Yeosang shook his head, closing and locking the door. He turned to Seonghwa, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards lounge.

"So, what's happened so far?"

"Nothing much! Just been playing some switch waiting for you," Yeosang stopped as they made it to the lounge. "Look who's here!" Seonghwa looked at the three men that were on the couch, all three watching the TV as they battled in MarioKart.

"Is it Seonghwa?" Yunho asked before he crossed the finish line, jumping up and laughing.

"I win!" The man sat on the right of Yunho crossed the line next, pointing to the man that sat on the left of Yunho, laughing.

"And you're last!" The man on the left sighed, corssing the line.

"Wow, that was so fun," Yunho laughed, the man that came second now standing up and turning around. Huh, almost as tall as Yunho.

"Let me introduce them to you, Hwa?" The man on the left, stood up, but still didnt turn around. Quite short, thats cute.

"This," Yunho gestured towards the taller man out of the two newcomers. "Is Mingi," The man now identified as Mingi waved his hand, a smile plastered on his face.

"And this," Yunho reached over to the smaller man, grabbibg his shoulder and forcefully turning him around. "Is—"

For a moment, the world stopped.

For a moment, their eyes met.

For a moment, they were seeing eachother again.

"—Hongjoong?" Seonghwa blurted out, cutting off Yunho. The shorter man, now known as Hongjoong, shared a similar expression to Seonghwa, yes wide and mouth agape.

Holding hands, watching as the sun set over the horizon, the light painting his face, his eyes sparkling.

"Seonghwa?" Yunho looked between the two, confusion plastered all over his face.

Bright smiles, warm laughs. Soft lips, peppered kisses.

"You two knew eachother?" Seonghwa nodded, at a loss for words as he stared at the boy infront of him.

"Thats so cool! It's like it's fate for you two to meet again," Yunho exclaimed. "But come on, we gotta get ready for our movie marathon, its half hour past the time we were supise to start!"

***************************

It was around midnight that Seonghwa finally couldnt take the awkwardness around him and Hongjoong. He got up from his spot on the floor, making his way to the kitchen and flicked on the light, going to grab a drink and a snack from his bag.

As he trifled through his bag, finding the pack of chips he craved for, he turned around and almost felt his soul leave his body.

There was Hongjoong, standing right in front of him.

He had to hold back a scream.

"Woah! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Hongjoong threw his hands up, taking a step back.

Seonghwa gained back his thoughts, the adrenaline dissipating.

"Do you need something?" He asked. He watched as Hongjoong suddenly became nervous, looking down at his feet. He has red hair... it looks... fluffy.

"I-I just... I kinda wanted to talk to you?" Seonghwa felt heat rise to his cheeks as he ran through the possibilities of just what Hongjoong would possibly say.

"About what?"

Silence overtook the two for a moment. Then Hongjoong spoke up.

"About... why you left," Seonghwa shifted his body, suddenly feeling so small. "Why you never contacted us," He felt shame slowly seep through his body. "Why you... never contacted... me," He looked down at his feet.

No one spoke for a minute, both thinking, both waiting.

"I never did get my scholarship..." Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, eyes wide.

"Wha—"

"I passed the exam for it, but by the time the people giving out the scholarship had marked it, all the scholarships had been given away,"

Seonghwa felt tears begin to pool in his eyes.

"I was so disappointed in myself, I didnt want you all to see me," He inhaled shaky breath, emotions coming back as he relived the moment in his mind. "So I just told you all that I got in and... left,"

He felt Hongjoong take his hands, caressing them softly. Like he used too.

"Why did you never talk to me after? You didnt even tell me you wanted to break up," Hongjoongs voice broke near the end. "You just went... radio silent," Seonghwa couldn't help the tear that ran down his face.

"I never wanted to break up," Seonghwa squeezed Hongjoongs hands. "I just— I wanted time, time to fix things, so i could say I was attending college, that I wasn't a fuck up..." He felt Hongjoong squeeze his hands back, he heard how the other boy sniffled. He must be crying too.

"Seonghwa, listen to me," Suddenly, Hongjoong was cupping his face, his hands so soft, and his eyes looking straight into Seonghwas soul. "You are not a fuck up, you hear me?"

"I'm sorry," His voice broke, tears now streaming down his face, one after the other. Hongjoong had tears slipping down his face himself. He lifted his thumb, wiping some tears off Seonghwas face.

"It's okay, I forgive you, HwaHwa," Seonghwa couldn't help but let a whine escape him at the nickname.

"HwaHwa! You're so cute!"

Hongjoong laughed wetly at the reaction.

"You'd think i forget what that nickname did to you," He stroked Seonghwas cheek lovingly, smiling fondly at Seonghwa, and Seonghwa couldnt help but feel his previous worries disappear just looking at him.

Seonghwa buried his face into Hongjoongs neck and threw his arms around Hongjoongs shoulders, letting another embarrassed whine escape him.

Hongjoong laughed at the action, snaking his arms around Seonghwas waist. They both stayed in that position for a few minutes, iust enjoying the company, the warmth. Enjoying eachother.

Hongjoong threw his arms over Seonghwas neck, pulling him down to give him a strong hug.

"Your hugs are the best, Joongie,"

Seonghwa felt Hongjoong shift, his hold on Seonghwa loosening. He felt a hand coursing through his hair, the action sending shivers down his spine, and a blush on his cheeks.

"I've missed this," Hongjoong whispered. Seonghwa picked his head back up, looking at Hongjoong.

"I did too," Hongjoong smiled.

Hongjoong raised his hand, putting it under Seonghwas chin and slowly pulling him down back towards him. Soon enough, their noses were touching, and they could feel eachothers breaths fan eachothers faces.

It took just a moment for Seonghwa to understand what Hongjoong wanted to do.

He looked to Hongjoongs eyes, noticing how they flickered back up to his then fown to his lips. Seonghwa did the same, his gaze lowering down to Hongjoongs own plush lips.

Seonghwa unconsciously licked his own.

"Can I..." Hongjoong trailed off, but Seonghwa knew what he was asking. He nodded his head, feeling Hongjoong pull him closer.

Then he felt Hongjoongs lips on his.

And suddenly, he felt like he was back in high school. When Hongjoong would sneak up on him in the bathrooms to give him a few wuick pecks on the lips before running away. When Hongjoonga arms would wrap around his his waist, pulling him into his lap, and even if Seonghwa was the taller one out of them, Hongjoong would always find a way to make Seonghwa feel small and safe in his arms.

He felt light again, like all his problems had been thrown away. He felt like the weight he carried had been lifted.

Seonghwa broke the kiss first, gasping for air, breathless. His lips a shade of bright pink

Hongjoong just stared at the boy, breath taken at the sight before him.

Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa back down again, both diving in for a kiss, each one more heated than the last.

Soon enough, both broke away, catching their breathe as they were pushed against eachother.

"I've wanted to do that for so long since then. I've missed it sso much," Hongjoong panted out.

"Me too," Seonghwa took a hold of Hongjoongs hands, looping his fingers between his own.

"This means that, you know," Hongjoong was anxious again, eyes flicking from Seonghwa to the floor. "That we'll do this again... right? That—"

"That we'll be back together?" Seonghwa cut in, heart beating fast at what Hongjoong was asking.

"Yes," Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, still nervous on what the answer would be.

And Seonghwa couldn't have answered more perfectly.

"Of course," Seonghwa dived back in for another kiss, this one not heated, but filled with something more deeper. He broke the kiss, burying his face in Hongjoongs neck. "Of course,"

"I love you," Seonghwa felt his heart stutter.

"I love you too," Hongjoong smiled, pulling Seonghwa towards him.

"Forever," Hongjoong whispered.

"Always," Seonghwa whispered back.

[battlestar-royco]

Ive seen how certain str8 YT dude authors R better at writing diversity&Representation than str8 YT women. I think it's cuz there's nothing giving them a shield. When str8 yt dudes listen & understand their privilege & r willing 2 write & do better they actually (try) 2 do better. But str8 yt women. They can hide behind misogony & keep writing their bland str8 YT girl doing bland str8 yt girl shit & pass it off as EMPOWERMENT.

I think about this all the time, holy crap. While I hesitate to say straight white guys are better at writing diversity than straight white women, I DO think both S/W men and women fall into habits that are differently bad. Men tend to tokenize and sexualize the shit out of women and do the “strong female character” thing (AKA one (1) conventionally attractive white girl in an all-men cast who wears tight clothes while stabbing people and giving off a sassy line every now and then; may have been abused by a father/brother/boyfriend in the past; may be secretly yearning to have a child; may get chained up by the villain and then saved by the leading man). Meanwhile, women will write other S/W women and men just fine and then tokenize and abuse the shit out of everyone else. They also might fall into tropes of internalized misogyny while men will fall into tropes of internalized toxic masculinity. All that said, I do think S/W women are generally held up to a far higher standard for diversity than S/W men are for a lot of reasons, some of which being that a lot of times authors write for gendered audiences or their content is marketed in a gendered way. Thus, S/W men writers end up targeting S/W men while S/W women writers target S/W women. Generally, the audience members that are more invested in diversity are women, so audiences of S/W women end up critiquing the creator more than S/W men do. Also, S/W men often view all material through a very privileged lens (due to hetero goggles, male gaze, white/POC empathy gap, etc) that does not pick up on problematic things. I feel like in men-dominated fandom, calling out problematic things is a much less welcome tendency and will get you harassed and discredited far easier whereas women-dominated fandom seems more accepting of discourse.

To speak to your point, I think S/W women get a pass for so much oppressive stuff they do just based on the fact that they’re women, especially from S/W women stans. Also, their stuff is more likely to be marketed as “SUPER FEMINIST SO EMPOWERING” when really it’s the SAME EXACT SHIT WE’VE BEEN SEEING SINCE 1980. For decades, S/W women have been the lead in high concept rom coms, the most desirable love interests, superheroes, overthrowing the government, the Final Girl in almost every ensemble horror movie, etc. Meanwhile the MCU’s first film to feature a lead WOC in her natural skin color came out LAST YEAR (I believe, with Zendaya), after ten years of the MCU. Star Wars still has never featured a lead WOC and has killed off the vast majority of their lead POC despite having 5 white women leads. All the Barbie movies are literally everything wrong with white feminism, creating extremely gendered notions about society, and promoting conventionally attractive white women’s issues over everyone else’s in the name of empowerment. Similarly, there are only four Disney animated princesses of color and they all have the same body type and gender/sexuality. LGBTQ+ people, especially those of color, are nearly invisible in all media. Disability is barely addressed or extremely vilified in these blockbuster genres/franchises. Marginalized people are all just waiting for these same “feminist” S/W women to acknowledge how much longer non-cishet/white people have to wait to see themselves represented like that and how many of us continually get mentally scarred well into adulthood from severe lack of representation like

Furthermore, it is definitely, DEFINITELY true that a lot of privileged women and their stans use gender as a way to excuse their problematic asses and to act like the victim when someone calls them out. I’m not joking, I’ve seen straight white women write elaborate paragraphs, like ten pages’ worth in one post/article, explaining why people calling them/their faves racist, abusive, or homophobic is actually misogynistic instead of trying to sit back and learn COUNTLESS TIMES in COUNTLESS FANDOMS. For example, every time a white woman justifies whitewashing a character of color in favor of a white woman, or every time a new blond/brunette woman is inserted into a huge blockbuster franchise with fifteen other women who look just like her because “we’re all underrepresented” or “the POC talent wasn’t good enough.”

If I took a shot for every time a white woman said to me “you can’t judge x for its time” to excuse lack of diversity in a movie/show/book (AND OFTENTIMES IN THINGS THAT CAME OUT LITERALLY 5-15 YEARS AGO, LIKE THE MCU MOVIES, DISNEY MOVIES, SEX AND THE CITY, LEGALLY BLONDE, OR HBO GIRLS????), I would be dead. I’ve also seen them excuse fetishization of mlm/MOC (and often vilification for MOC) by saying that it’s women “expressing their sexuality” and “supporting rep.” This comes from the same women who wouldn’t touch LGBTQ+/MOC rep with a barge pole if it wasn’t hypersexualized, stereotypical, and/or cis/white. S/W women writers/fans have a huge problem with brutalizing POC and characterizing them overall as violent or abrasive, and giving  Z E R O  F U C K S  about characters who are WOC unless they’re conventionally attractive/light-skinned (and even then it’s very dubious). Time and again they’ll refuse to feel any compassion for POC, write any positive meta on them, give them any benefit of the doubt, draw them in fanart, or ship them with other characters (especially with white characters). Some other age-old excuses are “we’re not ready for [x representation] in a mainstream movie,” word for word “I’m not racist but I just don’t ship it :/” when talking about an interracial ship (especially if one of the characters, usually the man in a m/w ship, is white), “I don’t want to read about gay people/poc lol,” and “race/sexuality shouldn’t matter.”

TL;DR many S/W women have a lot of shit to sort out amongst themselves and it’s really disingenuous of them to act like they’re empowered and they’re fighting the good fight for all women. Their representation isn’t perfect and they do deserve great rep, but so does everyone else, especially because when it comes to diversity white women always come first.

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2019, Part II

Part I is here. ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

106. Alita: Battle Angel (Robert Rodriguez)- I'm not looking at a list of films with budgets over $175 million, but I guarantee this is the one with the lowest stakes. It concerns a cyborg who tries to uncover the identity that the audience knows she has all along, and it takes place on three sets. I was intrigued by the prospect of Robert Rodriguez directing a James Cameron production, since the former uses effects to be lazy and the latter uses effects to challenge himself. Alita is more of a Rodriguez movie in that regard. Although it looks slightly better than those pictures he used to make in his backyard, it ain't by much. 105. The Upside (Neil Burger)- As good enough as movies get, good enough right up to the childish screenwriting contrivances of the third act. ("I guess he knows about wheelchairs now, so he gets a job at a wheelchair factory? Or maybe it's his own factory? I don't know--I'm still spitballing in this production draft.") Queen Nicole is criminally underserved though. Have you read that story about how Keanu Reeves's friend forged his name onto the contract for The Watcher, but Keanu didn't want to go through a prolonged legal battle, so he just showed up despite the fraud? Surely it's got to be something like that. Or maybe she was under the impression her character was still being fleshed out, but she got there and saw that nothing has been changed since the last draft? It's just like, "Yvonne looks stern. More to be added." I know for sure that no one told one of the greatest actresses in the world about the part in which she's supposed to be a good dancer. She would have prepared. 104. How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (Dean DeBlois)- HtTYD is still the most visually experimental animated franchise. For example, DeBlois hazes the image when a character is looking at another through a torch, there's a five-minute wordless sequence of dragons falling in love, and a lot of work has been put into crafting peach fuzz. I also appreciate that these films retain consequences. Hiccup has a prosthetic leg, and his dad is still dead. Narratively though, everything feels like a holding pattern, a brand extension that doesn't offer real stakes or real laughs. (Fishlegs has a beard now. That's his character development. That's it.) Even if The Hidden World offers an ending of sorts to the trilogy, it's a story of retreat/escape that can't help but feel like a sideways step from its already disappointing predecessor. My daughter tuned out and got really restless with about twenty minutes left. 103. Greta (Neil Jordan)- Such a boilerplate thriller that I was actually predicting the dialogue at points: "Miss, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do if she's just standing there across the street. She's not breaking the law." There is one notable thing that happens though. In a scene at a church, Huppert makes the Sign of the Cross incorrectly. As an actress, kind of negligent. As a French person, pretty exquisite. 102. Anna (Luc Besson)- The timeline-jumping didn't work for me, but without it, I don't think there's much notable about the quadruple-crossing here at all. The awe-inspiring restaurant fight sequence is the film's saving grace; I'm awarding an extra half-star for its slashing-throats-with-plates viscera. 101. Captain Marvel (Ryan Fleck and Anna Boden)- Was I supposed to know what a Skrull was before this? Lee Pace and Djimon Hounsou show up playing Guardians characters, so I think I was supposed to connect more of the sci-fi dots of the first twenty minutes than I did. All of that inter-planetary stuff was tough sledding for me, and I preferred the Elastica music cue and Radio Shack jokes. As it turns out, especially in this genre, it's dramatically frustrating to go on a hero's journey with a character who doesn't know who she is. It was nice to see Samuel L. Jackson, with convincing de-aging effects, get a real arc in one of these movies, rather than just posing here and there. Brie Larson does enough posing for the both of them. 100. Frozen II (Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee)- Frozen begins with sisters being separated after one injures the other. It plays for keeps from minute five. Frozen II, whose smaller stakes are felt in the one-or-so location, B-team songs, and forgettable new characters, never feels as real. 99. Aladdin (Guy Ritchie)- Even if the songs still bang and Nasim Pedrad is very funny, Aladdin feels as cynical and--don't say it, don't say it--unnecessary as all of these live-action remakes do. I'm looking forward to the animated remakes of the live-action remakes, which might figure out a way to reincarnate Robin Williams. One can dream, even cynically. 98. El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (Vince Gilligan)- Finally, the TV movie--and no shade, but this ending we didn't ask for is definitely part of the TV movie tradition--that answers a burning question for Breaking Bad fans: Was Jesse ever interesting by himself?

97. High Life (Claire Denis)- As uncool as it makes me, I have to admit that I just don't care for Claire Denis's aesthetic. Knowing nothing going in, I was captivated by the mysterious first half-hour, but once the film started to explain itself, it seemed like a B movie with more ponderous music. High Life is effectively claustrophobic, but I found myself "yes-anding" most of it. Yes, for example, space is lonely, as I've learned from every other movie about space.

96. Where’d You Go, Bernadette? (Richard Linklater)- From the get-go, this movie doesn't work--structurally, tonally--but the miscalculations of Linklater and Blanchett and especially the mawkish music don't have enough consequence for the film to even fail on a noteworthy level. It's not unpleasant. You just laugh sparingly and think, on the way out, "I don't think she loved her daughter as much as she said she did" or "Get to Antarctica twenty minutes earlier or twenty minutes later." Linklater, an inestimable talent, has added an entry to his filmography that might as well not exist. Making movies, especially adaptations of epistolary books, is hard. I'm being too understanding of that or not understanding enough. 95. Dumbo (Tim Burton)- Just as Dumbo begins to take chances--fashioning itself as an anti-corporate parable with Keaton playing a Disney-esque "architect of dreams"--it settles back down to its own low expectations. Expectations that come from the storytelling and characterization and not the production design, which seems grandly practical except for the CG [rolls up sleeves, adjusts glasses, tightens shoes] elephant in the room. Of the performances, Farrell comes out on top, displaying Movie Star confidence despite very little to work with. (Can a World War I veteran who lost his arm and his wife be allowed a bit more pain?) It gives me no pleasure to dunk on child actors, but both of the kids seem to be reading their lines, and their monotones nearly sink the movie at the beginning. 94. Echo in the Canyon (Andrew Slater)- A nice enough introduction to the scene, but Jakob Dylan's constant presence as an interviewer and performer turns it into a vanity project. The film shuffles among talking heads interviews, prep for an anniversary concert, and an anniversary concert, and I'll let you guess which one of those is interesting. The access that the filmmakers got is impressive, but if a person didn't participate (Carole King is the obvious one), the filmmakers just pretend he or she didn't exist. 93. Diamantino (Gabriel Abrantes and Daniel Schmidt)- I like the notion of someone so specialized in his profession that he has a child-like understanding of the outside world, and Carloto Cotta sells the innocence of the title character. (The Donna Lewis needle-drop killed me too.) But too often this film feels as if it's focusing on sheer weirdness over satisfying narrative. Cult classics are fine, but you should try for the regular classic. 92. Ma (Tate Taylor)- There are some cool ideas here--the innocent entrees that technology provides, the way the movie earns its R rating. But the script needs a few more passes for everything to congeal past the silliness, especially with regard to the hammy flashbacks that attempt to provide motivation for the Ma figure. I respect the attempt to humanize a monster, but she would be more scary if left opaque. 91. Bombshell (Jay Roach)- The films that try explicitly to comment on our current social climate are never the most successful ones, especially if their internal politics are this muddled. The film takes great pleasure in implicating the toxic system of Fox News, taking shots at anyone who would participate. Then it starts to pick and choose who to like in that system, which is where it gets weird. Obviously, a Fox News employee who sexually harasses another employee is "worse" than an employee who gets harassed. But then the Charles Randolph screenplay starts to sort closeted lesbians and career-strivers, and it's not sure who the bad guys really are. The film moves quite swiftly in its first half, and Charlize Theron's mimicking of Megyn Kelly is eerie. But I don't think Jay Roach knows what he believes. The lurid, claustrophobic scene between Margot Robbie's composite Kayla and John Lithgow's breathy Roger Ailes is the transcendent moment. It teases out the humiliation slowly and powerfully. With a quite meta flourish, the scene makes you hate yourself if you've ever objectified one of the most objectified actresses in the world; she's that great at illustrating her discomfort.

90. Glass (M. Night Shyamalan)- 1. A great example of "story" vs. "things happening." A negative example, I'm afraid. 2. The Osaka Tower represents the literal and figurative highs that the film will literally and figuratively not reach. 3. Spencer Treat Clark back!!! 4. The flashbacks are actual deleted scenes from Unbreakable, which is amazing. 5. Not since Lost has there been a work that seems like obsessive fan service, but the fan in mind is the creator, not any member of the audience. We do not want your explanations about Jai the security guard's role in your universe, Night. 6. This is a sequel to Unbreakable and a sequel to Split, but it somehow does not feel like a third chapter of anything. 7. It makes sense that I watched this on the same day that I listened to Weezer's The Teal Album, their surprise collection of punctilious '80s covers. In both cases, there's an artist who was really important to me in formative years but who has used up the last of whatever capital he has accrued by giving in to his worst instincts. In Shyamalan's case though, at least it's a confident swing. The second act pretty much tells us that we were dumb to believe what he sold us on. Even though it's dramatically inert and completely stops halfway through, this is exactly the movie he wanted to make, which I stupidly still admire. 89. Five Feet Apart (Justin Baldoni)- I checked this out because I have the sneaking suspicion that Haley Lu Richardson is a Movie Star, and she is continuing to progress into that power/responsibility. Otherwise the movie is a by-the-numbers weepie that doesn't really have a new spin on anything but hits its marks adequately. I was surprised that Claire Forlani got neither a "with" nor an "and" card in the credits. How rude. 88. Pet Sematary (Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer)- I like the bleak dive the film takes following its second big twist, which is handled well, but there is a ceiling for an adaptation of one of King's least ambitious and most predetermined tales. 87. Wild Rose (Tom Harper)- So conventional that Jessie Buckley almost got nominated for a Golden Globe. 86. Judy (Rupert Goold)- Just as the leaves start to change, we get biopics like these: too earnest to be cliched, too safe to be original. I'm on the ground floor of the Zellwegerssaince, but Judy is a slog in stretches. 85. The King (David Michod)- Capable but superfluous. Animal Kingdom was nine years ago, so it's quite possible that David Michod, even when he has an imperious Ben Mendelsohn at his disposal, has lost the urgency. The reason that anyone should see this--at least until someone puts together a YouTube compilation of just his scenes--is for Robert Pattinson, whose take on The Dauphin is the frontrunner for Most On-One Performance of the Year. 84. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (J.J. Abrams)- There are just enough moments--the first Force battle between Kylo and Rey being one of them--that remind the viewer of the magic of Star Wars. Kylo Ren's arc concludes in a more satisfying way than I expected, Babu Frik is officially my dude, and Daisy Ridley's post-Star Wars career intrigues me. My Dolby seat was rumbling, and I was pretty charged up on candy. But, man, most of the business here feels compromised, undermined, and inessential. It's a rushed connect-the-dots compared to The Last Jedi. There's a scene in which the gang has to risk wiping C-3PO's memory to gain important information--they need a thing to get to another thing to get to another thing--and there appear to be stakes for just a second. Then, as if to reassure the audience that there will be ten more of these movies, Rey adds, "Doesn't R2 have a backup of your memory?" That's the whole movie in an expensive, nostalgic nutshell.

83. Queen & Slim (Melina Matsoukas)- Capable of tender moments but shot in the foot by its episodic nature, Queen & Slim is the most uneven picture of the year. The characters work well as foils to each other, but Jodie Turner-Smith's performance is overshadowed by Kaluuya's. I have no idea what Chloe Sevigny and Flea are trying to do in their brief time on screen, and I have no idea what the film is trying to do when it disturbs the point of view for a misguided protest sequence. 82. Hustlers (Lorene Scafaria)- It has been a long time since I was so surprised that a movie was over. The coda comes up telling us about, in real life, what kind of criminal slaps on the wrists the characters received, and I got pushed out of the theater wondering what it all amounted to. Yeah, that's the point. I know. Just as none of the 2008 bankers went to jail in the wake of their destruction, none of the women who drugged and exploited them did much time beyond "14 months of weekends" either. But should I applaud moral confusion? Can I be angry about the lack of consequences for both parties? If you want me to judge the film I watched instead of the film I wanted to watch, I can be more complimentary. Some of the most electric moments in 2019 cinema are here, rooted in 2008 strip club music. And saying 2008 strip club rap was good is like saying 1890 French Impressionism was good. Nearly every performance works, from Lili Reinhart's bashfulness to Wai Ching Ho's gratitude to Jennifer Lopez's intractable confidence. Also, I don't know if anyone has noticed this before, but J. Lo has a nice butt. 81. The Report (Scott Z. Burns)- There are some interesting things going on here. For example, this feedback loop: An hour or so in, protagonist Daniel Jones watches a fabricated news feature that explains what waterboarding is, and I had an instinct as an audience member to go, "Like we don't know by now. Don't hold my hand." But the only reason I know is because of news reports like that, informed by work that the real Daniel Jones did, dramatized in the events of the first half of this very movie. Still, this movie is a lot like one of those dishes in which every single element sounds like something you would like--"Ooh, pork belly, delicious. Oooh, lemongrass. Bet those would go well together"--but you take a bite, and it doesn't taste good. Is that your fault or the restaurant's?

[cripplinganxietyflix]

I saw Valerian.

If you’ve ever spoken to me at length about movies, there’s a good chance my thoughts on “headache cinema” have come up. It’s an umbrella term I’ve come up with that encompasses the deluge of loud, obnoxious, brainless, neutered, hundred-million-dollar-budgeted trashfests that are destroying theater culture as we know it. I’m talking about the Disney’s Marvel franchises, the post-Matrix Wachowski migraines, the Transformers films- head-exploding visual fuckfests that leave the average adult feeling like they’ve crawled out some hellscape version of a McDonald’s play palace birthday party. This brand of film is easily my least enjoyed and most disliked. The vast majority of the time these movies are castrated down to a PG-13- or worse, a PG!, they’ve got bloated budgets, dumb plotlines, stupid dialog, and best of all: punching, loud noises, explosions, TOTAL SENSORY OVERLOAD. 

For many years I have hated superhero movies and glazed over at Hollywood’s air-horn retreads of movies like Clash of the Titans and Independence Day: Resurgence and the recent Ghost in the Shell mishap. I hate movies like this and I find them at least majorly to blame for the death of the hard R-rated action flick. There are exceptions to the formula, like Mad Max: Fury Road, the 2014 Godzilla, and Dredd, but generally speaking, they’re unwatchable. I will be the first to admit that I’m not a big fan of whimsy, but I will be happy to defend my position on this. Giant blockbuster action movies are generally dumb and boring if you’ve got more than two brain cells to rub together. I do try to balance my feelings about people who like brain-dead, ham-fisted, infantile PG-13 sci-fi action movies with my penchant for unrepentantly trashy, low-brow 70s and 80s exploitation horror films. I know for a fact that there’s a certain segment of cinema elitists who would see my interest in that subgenre as an undeniable sign of being a philistine troglodyte, which slightly tempers my extreme prejudicial judgment of those who love headache cinema. 

I can pick up the hanging thread to unravel this tapestry. It’ll lead you through all of the recent loud crashing DC fiascos and the rainbow of annoying apocalypse and disaster films and CG shitshows. Once you hit the Star Wars prequels, you’re getting close. But the film that started all of this hatred is Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element, easily in my top five most despised films of all time (that’s a list for another day!). 

It feels a little bizarre for me to say that I hate Luc Besson. Léon: The Professional is one of my favorite films of all time, and easily my favorite film of 1994. But aside from that and 1990′s La Femme Nikita, I find Besson wholly intolerable. His movies tend toward obnxious, incomprehensible, overwhelming, anxiety-inducing horse shit. And while many people are happy to agree with me, it seems no one outside of myself is willing to slaughter the sacred cow that is The Fifth Element. Some see a sci-fi fantasy classic, I proffer that it’s a grotesque panacea of ADHD, loud noises and cringey acting. To Besson’s credit, most of the time his films don’t take themselves seriously, and that’s fine. But The Fifth Element is the first film in my memory where I felt literally assaulted and invaded by the unfettered gaudy head-spinning madness of big, loud, overwhelming movies. My level of general calmness could be compared to a that of a frightened rabbit with combat shock, so I try to be cognizant that this dislike has less to do with objective quality and more to do with my personal preferences and tolerance levels. Let’s be real- I’m a person with severe, crippling anxiety. Headache cinema is not made for me. 

That being said, I saw the trailers for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and I immediately started getting Vietnam flashbacks of Chris Tucker in a wig and leopard print jumping out of my television and screaming into my face. My significant other has a much more relaxed attitude toward these things and a seemingly endless well of patience for Luc Besson, so I had a feeling I was going to end up seeing this film in theaters and I started mentally preparing for it. And I’m really glad that I did all that emotional gestation, because I found Valerian to be surprisingly tolerable, aside from being a chaotic discombobulation of ideas that all generally have the potential to be good but fail because Luc Besson must have the attention span of a squirrel. And squirrels plant trees because they literally can’t remember where they’ve left their nuts. I couldn’t dream of a better summation of why Luc Besson turns nearly everything he touches into abject shit.

Valerian is essentially a very straight-forward narrative about a couple of federal agents (?) in space (???) who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of displaced aliens. They spend the film unraveling a mystery surrounding an enigmatic void in the middle of a space ship (?) or man-made planet (???) that contains thousands of different species from throughout the universe that live in surprising harmony. The alien refugees and the void on the ship or planet are related, you will later find. 

That’s basically it. It’s a simple storyline with simple elements like “war is bad” and “the powerful oppress the powerless” and “love is universal and always wins.” If you dig down past all of the color and noise and distraction, that’s the basic bedrock. I think I was expecting this movie to be a convoluted mess, and to a great extent it absolutely was. But I wouldn’t say that the story was the weakest part of the film. 

What did some substantial damage was the acting and dialog. The two leads had no chemistry and the actor playing the title character (Dane DeHaan) had a stunning drought of charisma. I think that his opposite, Cara Delevingne, has the potential to be a fun leading lady, but she never had a chance in this movie. The love angle was hackneyed and totally unnecessary to the point that the film would have fared much better if Valerian and Laureline were friends instead of a ~~will they or won’t they???~~ couple. I thought it was insulting to my sensibilities, and that sucks since the romance thing was such an ingrained aspect of the movie. I couldn’t tell if they were even in a relationship with each other or if Valerian had puppy love and Laureline has simply spent their entire careers fighting off his advances only to reluctantly agree to marry him after the film’s climax. This film could have really used a competent screen writer. I think I even could have lived with some of the eye-rollingly dumb but baseline-acceptable dialog you hear in Disney’s© Marvel™ Avengers Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. The villain (played by Clive Owen) was such a stupid caricature of literally everything that is wrong with Bad Guys in major American cinema- instantly hate-able, predictable, no angle or point of sympathy, stupid rationale for his actions-type of shit. And what’s really frustrating is that the Owen’s villain had a completely rational and utilitarian motive for his actions. But that gets torpedoed by the giant flashing neon signs that say “HE’S THE BAD GUY” and “EVIL PIECE OF SHIT” hanging over his head in every scene he’s featured in. It absolutely felt like the characters were totally empty and needed to be reworked from the ground up. I even thought Rihanna’s character had more depth than either Valerian or Laureline. Valerian’s a by-the-books soldier with a heart of gold? Could have fooled me! Laureline’s a toughgirl with a penchant for violent overreaction but still maintains a balanced moral compass? Hard to see through the horse shit nonsense they wrote for her. Character development and the script were both a total, unmitigated disaster.  

Another thing that I think the film failed at was building tension. Everything felt a little too whimsical and inconsequential. In the beginning, a bus full of mercenaries (?) is attacked by a violent hexapedal alien and Valerian and Laureline watch all of them die savagely with nothing more than a smirking “glad we made it outta that scrape!” reaction. It never really feels like they’re in any danger or that there’s any emotional peak or valley for the characters, with maybe a single, small exception. You watch a lot of people get shot to death and even a head get blown clean off and another cut right in half, but it all seems so cartoonish and trivial that you can’t help but feel like nothing really matters and it’s all just a low-stakes video game. 

But I don’t want to give you the impression that this movie is a complete trainwreck (it tries, believe me). There were things that I liked and appreciated. The visuals and alien designs were inventive and there was never really a moment where you couldn’t get lost in the scene. It kind of felt like Rick and Morty without the nihilism and good writing. Everything was very colorful, the universe felt very inhabited. Around halfway through, Valerian and Laureline have an almost brilliant run in with a species of giant food-obsessed frogs (I actually went through the trouble of looking it up; they’re called Boulan-Bathors) and I found the whole scenario to be kind of charming and cute. I didn’t really mind Rihanna’s cameo. The refugee aliens, the Pearls, were cool and appealing in the same translucent way as the Engineers of Prometheus. While I definitely felt some Avatar vibes, the whole opalescent, iridescent aesthetic was visually pleasing and I really liked the semi-androgynous thing they had going on. 

I think the strongest part of this film is the first several minutes that lays out Earth’s journey into space. It was beautiful and touching and enough to make you feel really depressed about the state of our space exploration programs and the hopelessness and polarization of our world affairs. I would liked to have seen more of a thematic connection to the introduction because it felt extremely dissonant with the rest of the movie, which, by comparison, is hard to feel particularly emotional about. If you’re not planning on seeing Valerian, I would at least recommend watching the first few minutes. If the movie had come full circle to it, you can see how it could have been brilliant. 

Overall, Valerian is kind of a giant mess, and by all means I should have absolutely hated it, because it is textbook headache cinema. I think that there was a wide dearth of missed opportunities with the material, and with a more competent screenwriter, a better cast, and maybe someone else in the director’s seat, we’d be talking about a viable start to a franchise. But too often Valerian ties its own shoelaces together and eats shit and expects us to be engrossed and entertained. The relationship between Valerian and Laureline- both as a friendship, coworkership and romance- either needed to be reengineered from the ground up or scrapped entirely. I think Dane DeHaan was totally wrong for the part of Valerian and I could see this movie succeeding in more ways had someone with more charisma been the leading man. Valerian desperately needed some tension, and the total absence of crisis or consequence left an unbridgeable emotional void. It’s beautiful- but it’s a mess, and that seems to be Luc Besson’s calling card. I doubt we’ll ever see another Léon, but if Besson’s next film is as much of an improvement on Valerian as Valerian was on Lucy, then we might have the potential to see something really special. And maybe in five to eight years when everyone has forgotten about this spectacle, we’ll get a decent reboot for the Valerian material. 

★ ★ ½

[snowdropsandtigers]

I'd love to see you talk about the Black Magician Trilogy! I don't have a specific date in mind, so feel free to slot it in wherever, but it's always exciting to find other fans!

I am so sorry thisis late. I planned for it to be up at the end of January and then gotbusy, and it had been so long since I’ve talked to another fan Ineeded to figure out where to start.  I knew it would be a longpost—I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it long out offeeling rusty, but I knew it would be if I really got into it. Sohere it is at last.

Before I get intothe books themselves, I want to spend two paragraphs on somethingthat defined my experience with the series: the Black Magiciantrilogy forums I joined as “LittleRaven” during the mid2000s. Idedicate this post to its members. Wherever you are now, I love you.

I love the BlackMagician trilogy* the way I love Harry Potter. The books still feellike home to me. Part of the reason is the fandom: while Harry Potterfandom does have that sense of familiarity and coziness as I rememberdays past, it was in the Black Magician trilogy fandom that I found acommunity. Specifically, in the Black Magician trilogy forums (June2006-October/November 2012) hosted on then-platform Forumer (Ithink.) This was the first time I was ever an active part of fandom.I’d left reviews on fics, sure. I’d joined Yahoo Groups andoccasionally commented. I’d even written/plotted one or two ficsfor my earliest fandoms, Pokemon and Sailor Moon, though I neverposted them. But in the forums, I meta’d. I squeed. I posted mypoetry. I shared and even modded one of the subforums for a fewyears. (I was The Librarian of the fanfic/original fiction section.) We even talked about social issues with the books and the fandomresponse, without it ever becoming a war. It was one of thefriendliest fandoms I’d ever known, and small, so everyone kneweach other. I joined the first summer—probably the first monthtoo—after nearly two years of barely finding any fanworks for oneof my favorite series in the world, and I was not disappointed. Therewere years I didn’t show up a lot, but I always came back. ThenForumer sold its forums to Yuku and Yuku closed it down. It said thatmembers had been sent an invitation, and that it would reopen theforums as soon as one of the administrators made contact. I don’tknow why—to save space? In that case, the forums must have beenwiped from the Internet years ago because both our administratorswere long gone. One of the moderators, another member who, like me,had been there since the beginning, tried to contact the admin who’dstuck around longest and had no luck. I only knew this because Iremembered a member’s FF.Net alias and made a desperate attempt tofind out what was going on. I still miss it. The place had sloweddown a lot, but was still active everyday, and occasionally an oldermember would peek back in. Even when it seemed like we had saideverything we could about the books, we could still chat about otherfiction and even a little about our lives. The series would cycleback into discussion regardless, especially when the prequel and thesequels began coming out. (I really regret that it happened before Icould finish the last book and talk about it.) I’ve never been socomfortable in a fandom before and I haven’t been since.

Traces remain, atleast. We had a website with fanart; Trudi Canavan even commented inthe guestbook once. It was up the lasttime I checked, though my bookmarks were lost in a crash and I’veforgotten the link’s URL. (I searched before posting and it’s frozen. :C ) I remember Sheepy-Pie creating character plushies and thatshe gave some to Canavan at an event. They were so adorable! Iremember Lady Laura and Kasloumor and j-mercuryuk, Ronan, Akkarin,Lorlyn, ShadowEmpress, Lady Vinara, andso many others; I’ve only mentioned the people who stick out forhaving been there the longest or in the periods I was most active.

Now, the seriesitself. At fourteen, I was hooked by the heroine and the classpolitics; I don’t think much of the fantasy I’d read before thendealt with the latter, and while a marginalized protagonist wasnothing strange, Sonea’s reserved personality for most of the booksand her alienation worked on a different level for me**. She was aworking class girl on the edge of poverty being displaced into theslums. The tension of the two different lives she was pulled tobefore she became a magician got me and really grounded hercharacter. Grounded is the right word, really. She had old friends inthe slums she still loved but was distant from, and it made sensewith her background and the world-building. She remains distrustfulof the magicians and the higher-class world they’re connected tothroughout the entire series. She’s never popular, though sometimesrespected. She was hated and harassed, and often isolated to apainful degree, but she had people who cared. This sounds a bitvague; let’s say the second book—The Novice, for anyreaders unfamiliar—is a bit like the fifth book of Harry Potter, ifHarry was more isolated from his loved ones and more conscious of whyhis environment is working the way it is.  If instead of having afriend group where it’s “us against the world” adventures, he’dhad friends in different places—literally or figuratively—whohelp when they can, complicated by the difficulties of plot andsetting and life choices. I love Sonea’s reactions throughout:practical, carefully responsive to genuine attempts to reach out,perceptive, intense empathetic, blunt, impulsive, and very strictabout her personal code of ethics. Also, she liked poetry and thenarrative didn’t use that to create a hazy image of her as wispyand romantic. I liked that detail!

And she could besoft without being soft—she would help someone, she would treatpeople with respect for their humanity, but it didn’t mean she hadto be forgiving and throw herself into them. Or that she had toforget. If she didn’t fight someone, or didn’t fight the wayothers might expect, it was well-grounded in her personality, and  nomatter what she always resisted in whatever way she could, regardlessof it being glamorous in even the fictional kind of way. She hadtenacity. Sonea is a prime example of Goodis Not Soft. She was sensible, tough, and kind. As I said,empathetic. The way the first two books moved the plot while buildingher character made the third book work very well for me as payoff. Itwas always my favorite: the nature of the plot twist and Sonea’sresponse to it made perfect sense for who she’d been until now, andthe love story is one of my favorite executions of my favorite kindof ship, the heroine/antagonist. In large part because this was herstory. It wasn’t his story, or their story as a couple—althoughhis characterization, and that of everyone else, was well-served andcared about—but hers.  The books cared so much about Sonea’sinteriority and never subordinated her to the needs of plot, theme,or another character. I could believe why she loved and respected him(again, for the unfamiliar reader: the romance is not at theforefront of the story at any point.) I could believe why she wouldmake the decisions she made, in and out of romance, based on what shethought of the world and what she thought of herself. She’s soinformed by everything that came before, so solid. And I love thatshe made them; Sonea drives so much of her own story, especially inthe first and third books. She’s so active in the last one! Evenwhen she’s not as in charge of her life, I love how the books, assaid above, care very much about exploring her point of view in everysituation. Having limited choices, limited agency, doesn’t everreduce her to a prop: she remains three-dimensional, our clearprotagonist.  Sonea is well-rooted in her background, in the plot,and in the class politics story the narrative is interested intelling.    

The sequels aren’tas much about her, but they do present a believable trajectory forher character. Sonea is older, still fighting the world around herbecause she must, and because she cares, and taking support where shecan as soon as she recognizes it. The way she handles her son isperfect. And while I don’t have a rosy opinion of her new loveinterest, I love that the romance didn’t come with a capital R!It’s just someone she grows to trust and care for and wants to havesex with. I came away with the distinct impression that he loved herand she just liked him all right, and that that was just fine by thenarrative. Positive even, a good ending that left her story in aplace of renewal and refreshment. The sequel trilogy does well byher.

Another thing ofnote: I hadn’t realized it on the first read-through, but betweensome cultural details, the physical descriptions of Sonea and otherKyralians, and the author saying on her website (in a FAQ or a blogpost) that she was influenced by anime and Japan for Kyralia, Soneais the first POC and WOC protagonist I ever encountered in fantasyfiction, outside of anime/manga and Disney Princesses. I’m glad shewas done so well. I won’t say I’m without reservations on raceand this series, though; but I’ve never felt qualified to talkabout it. I am a brown woman, but I’m unsure of exactly whatcontext to place the series in, so I don’t know how to talk aboutthe ways it interacts with that context. I’ll just say that beforethe sequel trilogy, it bothered me that the darker-skinned Sachakanswere associated with slavery and decadence. I did think the sequeland prequel improved on this very much.

Something else thesequels did better with was the queer stuff. I liked Dannyl andTayend in the first trilogy, but they get a whole lot moreexploration in the second. And Lilia is one of the few lesbianprotagonists I’ve found in fantasy fiction. I did have issues withthe twist in the Naki plotline, but I’m glad she got a goodgirlfriend in the end. And a mentor in Sonea! If I remember it right;I don’t think I’ve reread the books since The Traitor Queencame out, and I’m not sure I reread that one. I think I was toobummed by losing the forums at the same time, and not having a placeto immerse myself in anymore.  So I don’t know how much I can sayabout the execution. But I did think Canavan did a fine job with hercharacterization, and I’m glad she went for more representation,more queer characters and more queer relationships that get narrativeattention and depth.  

I’ve gone on solong and I didn’t even talk about the prequel! I focused the poston Sonea and the prequel is set centuries before her time.  Iremember thinking it was a very effective setup for the futureconflicts Canavan had developed and would continue to develop in thesequel trilogy; I love that she’s so committed to the ramificationsof her political world-building on the characters and the plot. Itfelt, as her other works have done, bittersweet and real.

 Overall, I thinkTrudi Canavan does an excellent job of following fantasy tropes tocreate something that sets itself apart from the rest. Her scope isepic and personal, grounded in the characters, who are grounded inthe world-building. Everything is so well-integrated, feels socohesive. This is one of the most, if not the most, loving and richexecutions of the “poor orphan child with mysteriously powerfulmagic” stories I have ever encountered.***

It’s been a longtime since my last reread—probably since 2012, when the last bookcame out. I feel the urge to go back. Thank you so much for this ask!I hadn’t talked about these books in literally years; I was myability to do that had gone stale, and here I am, being so happy totalk about why I loved them. This has been a wonderful time to write.I’m only sorry it took so long to get out!

*It’s been aseries for years now, but I keep defaulting to “trilogy” when Ithink about it. I’ve been a fan for a long time. I greatly enjoyedthe rest of the books, but the original trilogy does occupy a spaceas as the trilogy for more than half the time I spent infandom, if memory serves. (And now I’ve checked, I remember thatthe sequels are called The Traitor Spy trilogy. So there’s thattoo!)

**Now I realizeshe’s a precursor to Emma Swan. I love finding connections betweencharacters I love. Although every time I connect someone to Emma SwanI always add “if Once Upon a Time’s narrative cared about herlike these other narratives do with their heroines!” Every time.

***I also lovedAlison Croggon’s books (The Naming and sequels—I thinkit’s the Pellinor series) for this, and talked about it on the BMTforums. I wasn’t the only one who loved them! They do have a moremythic, Tolkien-like tone and story than the Black Magician books,which are more overtly human-scaled. I compare them because they’reboth careful and detailed about their stories, and their narrativesshow love for the heroines by exploring their interiority, from painto joy, with dedication and respect.