#the entirety of our potential relationship and the memory of out mother on that on the fact i wont play nice with her kin

[lupismaris]

No one gets under your skin and makes you feel sick quite like your siblings, and there's no numbness quite like the feeling of having to put a boundary firmly in place with a wide open door for them to walk through should they see it for one

[onwardintolight]

Monster Version 2.0 is up!

Read it here on FFN

Summary: After the war, Leia wrestles with who she is and what she's meant for, while exploring her Force abilities and struggling with Luke's revelation about their father. In doing so, she makes the choice that Anakin couldn't.

Written thanks to a prompt by @graciecatfamilyband 

The new version isn’t completely revamped; it just has a few extra bits I added to fit with what we learned in TROS. :) For those of you who still want access to it (I’m no George Lucas), I’ve posted the original version as the second chapter.

Here’s the new version in full:

~~~

Monster

After the war, I had a lot of things on my mind—I was heavily involved in the work to assemble the new government, for one, and I was also beginning to shift my focus back to the surviving Alderaanians and what I could do for my people. Not to mention, I was newly married, and a child came soon after.

I should have been happy. All the things I’d once dreamed of (and things I’d not even dared to dream, feeling myself unworthy) had finally come to pass. Yet I found myself stuck in a darkness and a turmoil that surprised me… though in retrospect, perhaps it shouldn’t have. All I had been through during the war—Alderaan, torture, Han’s temporary loss to carbonite, Jabba’s palace, watching too many people die (often directly or indirectly because of me), and so much more—it all began to catch up with me. And always, the mask of that monster loomed in my mind: him, the source of this evil, the cause of all this horror, and Luke had said… Luke had said he was our father.

I couldn’t process it. I didn’t want to think about it.

Luke had said that this father had turned back, in the end; that he’d saved his son and killed the Emperor. But all I could think of was Vader’s harsh breath as I writhed on the floor from the torture meds, the splitting pain as he tried to break down my mind’s barriers, his iron grip on my shoulder as everything I loved exploded into a billion tiny particles of dust, the proud, skeletal stare of his mask across the room in Cloud City as he came close to taking everything from me once again. A litany of my worst memories. The nightmares that still creep up on me, breaking into the quiet hours.

I despised Vader, with everything in me. And I was afraid. If I was the biological progeny of this twisted being, then who was I, really? Did the same potential for catastrophic evil lurk in my veins?

~~~

I had felt it, hadn’t I, all my life, this strange connection, this bridge to the ebb and flow of life around me. It emerged in my empathy, my intuition, even my leadership skills—I see it so clearly now. While I will never underemphasize my parents’ nurturing of those qualities, I’ve realized that the extent of my abilities can’t be chalked up to my upbringing alone. There’s always been something more, some inside force that whispers to me and guides me, that helps me persuade and fight and protect and persevere. Something that’s led me back, over and over again, to hope.

The Force. Somehow, I had always known.

At first, I let Luke teach me. Things like how to meditate, how to further hone my perceptions, how to reach out and feel him and others in a fuller way, how to speak without words. I’ve done some crazy stunts, both physically and mentally. I’ve flipped over chasms and moved my fair share of rocks. I can kick his ass with a lightsaber.

I know Luke hoped I would become a Jedi, too. But the more he told me about the Jedi way, the more uncomfortable I felt, especially as the weight of all that had happened began to settle more deeply upon me.

(Our father.)

Luke says fear and anger are the path to the Dark Side.

Easy for him to say, I think. Or maybe not. I know he’s struggled greatly with those things, and I would never trivialize his massive personal victories over them. Now, though, he is the picture of perfect peace, of tranquility. He trusts in the Force that all will be made right, and that in some sense, it already has.

Maybe he’s right. I don’t know.

But our relationships with those emotions are not the same. Anger and fear have been my constant companions for so long, I don’t know if it’s possible to let them go. And in truth, I’m not sure I’d really want to, at least not fully. After all, it’s my anger at injustice and evil and my fear of a galaxy enchained and destroyed that has so often fueled the fire in me, giving me strength to fight, to persuade, to seek change.

But I feel the dark potential, too, of those emotions—the seething hatred, the pull towards despair that sometimes sucks me under. There are days when I no longer know how to speak, how to be; days when all the pain rises up inside me, threatening to explode.

Honestly, the storms I experience are more of a threat to myself than others, unless you count the occasional angry diatribe. (My fault, the whispers still accuse, the ashes of Alderaan smoldering in my mind still.) I will carry forever the memory of the Dark Side’s evil, packed like a ball of durasteel in my core, a warning against too much power. (So much death, so many sacrifices. My fault.) I could never see myself perpetuating everything I fought so hard against, becoming the very thing I hate. (I’m a monster.) I will never.

And yet.

(He was my father.)

Other things, too, I might have to forfeit to become a Jedi; other threads making up the very fabric of who I am. Jedi aren’t supposed to have attachments (Luke is undecided on whether to continue this practice, but it’s been a tenant of the order for millennia). I have Han, and for that alone I’d forsake the Force in its entirety. Jedi are supposed to favor serenity over passion: my passion is my drive, part of my very nature, even. Why would I let that go? Studying the Jedi way takes full commitment: I’m already committed fully to serving the New Republic and the Alderaanian diaspora.

(He was my father.)

~~~

It was in those early days of pregnancy, while I was still training, that the visions started. Waking nightmares.

I saw myself, boiling with rage, a mask descending upon my head, the world around me red as blood.

I saw my family, people I loved, their eyes full of grief and fear.

I saw the Dark devour the galaxy once more, undoing everything.

I saw my child, once blazing in the Force with so much Light, fallen into that darkness.

I saw myself taking up my saber. Killing my son.

The last vision was the clearest. It left me with a horrible certainty; the kind of Force-fueled certainty that centers itself right in the gut and refuses to budge. Visions are not directly mapped onto the future; what one sees may never come to pass, or it may in reality have come to pass long ago. But somehow, I knew: my path forward as a Jedi would lead to my son’s death, at my hand.

Whether the monster inside our blood claimed me or my son first, I still don’t know.

~~~

I have so much now. Even on my darkest days, I still have so much to live for. I see the steadfast love written in my husband’s eyes as he weathers these storms with me, encouraging me onward, daring me to pursue my goals, soothing me through the nightmares (as I do for him), daily sweeping me off my feet. Our love is an exquisite beauty I never thought I’d have, but here we are. I look at Luke, and Chewie, and other friends new and old, and the joy that wells up in me at the challenges we’ve faced together and the victory and the freedom we’ve won nearly takes my breath away. I gaze into the face of my precious little son, and I know that I would die, I’d do whatever it takes to continue making the galaxy a better place for him.

Whatever it takes, as long as it’s right.

And that… that is why I cannot travel this path. The power that Jedi training may give me is tempting, of course. Maybe if I learned more of the ways of the Force, I’d be able to make the galaxy right. Maybe I’d be able to better protect those I love. Bring swift justice. Champion the vulnerable without the neverending tangles of bureaucracy.

But then again, maybe the galaxy has had enough of that kind of power already.

I trust Luke not to grasp for it. As he’s told me, it’s surrender and sacrifice, not aggression and forcefulness, that mark a Jedi’s true calling. He will continue the Jedi tradition humbly and faithfully; I believe it.

And I will continue to honor my true father’s legacy, as well as my mother’s: serving my people in the government, and in the Senate, however I can. I’ll also continue to embrace this curious Force inside me; letting it speak through me to reach hearts and minds and strike up flames of hope, the same hope that it kindled in me, against all odds, throughout the years.

But I do not want more of that power.

(He’s my father.)

I reject the Dark.

No monster will ever take control of the galaxy again.

[mucky-puddler]

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood and reaping the rewards of research

First of all, spoilers for the film named above. Also, a disclaimer about words said - they are all mine own opinion, don’t come after me, just let me have this

So I saw my first Tarantino film recently, and I have a few thoughts. This is about to get really confusing so buckle up.

Let me give y’all an overview of the film. From the trailer, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood looked like a movie about a struggling movie star - set in 60′s, I got a lot of Texas/western vibes, regardless of the types of films we can see being produced throughout this film (told you).  Leonardo DiCaprio appears to be the lead with Brad Pitt as the brother-from-another-mother (whom I presumed would be given the romantic sub-plot, but more on that later). Oh and Margot Robbie is also there - she too plays an actor, but in a different film to DiCaprio...in the film trailer...yeah, that makes sense.

Being the terrible film studies student that I am, I decided that this will be my first Tarantino film. I’ve heard good things about him and have been recommended some of his earlier pieces of work like Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction, so I thought I would dip my toes in with the one that was in cinemas - Once Upon A Time In Hollywood.

So about 2/3 of the way through this film, with my M’n’Ms all gone and after leaving the theatre to buy some water, I had a thought come to me - nothing is happening. There is no plot. This film is made up of a series of moments that have been filmed nicely. I got bored - so bored, in fact, that my film brain kicked in and made me realise that there was no plot. Throughout the remainder of the film, I was searching - for meaning, for foreshadowing, for anything at all. I saw potential in a lot of these moments - where Brad Pitt’s (Cliff Booth) and Margaret Qualley’s (Pussycat) characters finally meet and visit an old filming location where Pussycat lives, or where Leonardo DiCaprio’s character (Rick Dalton) shares a moment with a child actor (will go into these scenes more later maybe), but there was very little connecting them together. Also, Rick and Margot Robbie’s character (Sharon Tate) never meet until the last few minutes!

Above is a diagram I have become extremely familiar with - I don’t know if it has a fancy name or anything but it essentially maps out the amount of tension as the story progresses; it can be applied to anything with a story in it, not just films, and it’s not a strict rule.

1 is exposition; now, we are often told (or I am, at least) that exposition is of the devil and should be removed as much as possible. But without exposition, how will the audience know where or when they are in the big wide universe. Authors (this is the term I will be using for the people that write stories) need exposition for setting the scene that is taking place - and that is okay. The entirety of Once In Hollywood appears to be exposition - there is so much setting up of character and relationships that nothing else seems to happen, which nicely leads on to the next point.

2 is called the inciting incident - it is an event within the story that sets off tension and invites excitement in the very souls of the audience. I did not feel that this vital point was evident in Once In Hollywood; I guess you could say that the meeting with Al Pacino’s character (Marvin Schwarz), where Rick realises that his career is over is the inciting incident, but I would argue that it doesn’t affect the rest of the narrative - Rick doesn’t change as an effect of the meeting, and therefore neither does the story.

3 is the rising action, and this is where most of the story should take place - smaller events are slowly increasing the tension up to the pinnacle (more on that later). Once In Hollywood, in my humble and potentially naive opinion, does not do this whatsoever. Everything following Rick and Marvin’s meeting remains at the same level of tension until the last twenty minutes or so. That’s not to say that I did not find some scenes interesting - the scenes I mentioned earlier were the most memorable and interesting for me (obvs everyone is different).To be completely candid, I’m surprised it took me 2/3 of a film for me to realise how uneventful that film was - perhaps I’m entertained by boring films.

4 is the climax, the part everyone looks forward to, and this can definitely be seen in Once In Hollywood - but it is a little unexpected. The murderers almost came out of nowhere, and I saw no connection between the man who ordered the kill (which I think was Damien Herrimon’s character, Charles Manson (some of you may be familiar with that name, I’ll get onto it later)) and those who actually (tried to) get their hands dirty. They did have a connection with Cliff Booth, purely on accident, mind you. The wind-up to the big climactic fight was somewhat drawn out with an unnecessary amount of shots of the murderers walking up this hill to get to Rick’s house. The actual fight was exactly what I expected from a Tarantino movie - bloody and violent and epic (although it was weird that Rick brought out the flame-thrower (from one of his earlier movies) and torched one of the murderers without knowing what was going on).

I’m going to lump 5 and 6 together because there are only a few minutes of the film left to cover and they generally happen close together anyway. So 5 is falling action, where the tension calms down a little and the adrenaline slowly leaves the audience and they can lean back in their seats once more, and 6 is the resolution where everything comes into perspective. In the context of Once In Hollywood, neither of these events are fully satisfied - the cooldown period before the credits was so short meaning it left the audience confused, and nothing was really resolved because there was nothing to resolve in the first place. I’m sure a statement can be made about the peculiarity and abruptness of life here, but I don’t want to make it because it sounds stupid.

And now about the research. I was more than happy to leave behind this film in memory and move on with my life (bad film student), but my wonderful boyfriend search for answers and found a clue to them all before the bus arrived home.

If you are familiar with the name Sharon Tate, then you already know where this is going, but I had never heard the name before - I know very little about my own history, let alone the history of another country. You may also notice that she is not mentioned a whole lot in my very very brief overview of this 2 hour and 40 minute film; that’s because she’s not really in it - she doesn’t interact with any of the other characters until the very end when she invites Rick into her home after the attack. And I have a theory about why.

If you type ‘Sharon Tate’  into google, you will be greeted with the face of an actress that was murdered in 1969 in her home in Hollywood by the Manson family, led by Charles Manson. Prior to this research, I was guessing that the character called Manson was in charge of the potential murders within the film because his name was only brought up once and there wasn’t really anyone else it could be. Then after a simple google search, it is confirmed (to me, at least) that he is the man behind it. So my next question was this; if you have such a big story in your film, why not focus the film on that instead of a fictional character? The words ‘based on a true story’  always hit home to the audience, making them realise that their lives are not as safe as they once thought, so why leave out such an impactful tool in the hopes of making it a fictional story?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF76gm9PdOs

Now that right there is a scene breakdown with Leonardo DiCaprio and Tarantino (who is a lot younger than I thought he would be), and Tarantino discusses how the character of Rick Dalton fits into our past, fighting for jobs alongside Steve McQueen who is also seen as a character in this film (played by Damien Lewis). On top of that, Mike Moh plays Bruce Lee, which brings our real people count up to 4 - so it’s pretty clear that this film is based in our history. But it isn’t our history, because in our history Sharon Tate dies. Therefore...alternate universe!

If you know anything about me...which you don’t...you would know that I love talking about things like this - it is my jam. I think it is interesting that a director as famous as Tarantino would employ such a trope commonly associated with science fiction.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtbJMTPi2zQ

After watching the first minute of this film by New Rockstars, I have learned that this use of the alternate realities is actually quite common for Tarantino to use, which is interesting. I have never heard anyone talk about Tarantino and his use of popular history within his work. In this video, his films are described as a fairytale re-telling of events, often ending happier than history did. 

But does all of this, the idea of an alternate, interconnected universe, the happier endings, the familiar names, does it balance out the plot-less moment montage I saw that rainy afternoon? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m kind just happy discussing films, and people always have more to say about the films they hate rather than the films they enjoy, right? I could go on more, but this post has taken days, and I mean days to write, so imma summerise - this film is okay after thinking about it a bit and after knowing a little more about Tarantino, and research pays off.

[nadziejastar]

You’re metas and analysis of Isa and Lea are amazing. And ty for standing up for Isa. Nobody tries to make distinction between his real self and the possessed emotionless puppet he was a Nobody. You actually made me like Isa, and I’m desperate for Lea/Isa content.

Aww, that makes me happy that you like Isa now. I absolutely adore the entire concept behind Isa. He was such a fascinating character, in theory. Everything about him was conceptualized to connect to the Realm of Sleep and the concepts of rebirth and love. It was incredibly unique and well thought out. It’s just such a shame that he was not utilized in any meaningful capacity. Like, how do you just waste such a perfect setup for an amazing story? How? Why? It just…kills me. Makes me question my faith in humanity, lol.

The fact that people don’t differentiate between Isa and Saïx is SO sad. That was the entire purpose of his character arc. KH3 was so unfair to poor Isa. It went against everything the series stood for. I honestly feel bad for the writers. They must have been so disappointed after they put so much thought into his and Lea’s story. Just the stuff they did with the moon impressed me so much.

Isa: The Moon Goddess of Love and Rebirth

The triple moon is a Goddess symbol that represents the Maiden, Mother, and Crone as the Crescent, Full, and Balsamic Moon. It is also associated with feminine energy, mystery and psychic abilities. You often see this symbol on crowns or other head-pieces, particularly worn by High Priestesses.

In the Maiden, Mother, Crone aspects of the Goddess, Selene is the mother Goddess, Artemis the maiden, and Hecate the Crone. Two of Saix’s weapons are named “Selene” and “Artemis”.

The Balsamic Moon phase is visible in pre-dawn twilight; the darkness is nearly complete. We begin the Balsamic Phase with just a thin sliver of light, and by the end of the phase, darkness is complete. We are approaching New Moon; this is the last waning phase. She has withdrawn into the darkness, leaving the night wrapped in shadows. Disappearing from sight, she is resting, preparing for the next Lunar Cycle.

Isa’s symbol is a waning crescent. But Balsamic is the term used in astrology/magic. It’s the last phase of the cycle before the darkness of the new moon, visible in twilight. I love this since sunset is also associated with twilight. Axel and Saix’s relationship is Days is in a state of twilight. It’s the time when it’s not quite day, but not quite night. Twilight is a period or state of obscurity, ambiguity, or gradual decline.

This is a time of quiet contemplation. We withdraw into the shadowy depths of thought and emotion, resting, reflecting, thinking, feeling, dreaming, and preparing. To a great degree we exist in the ‘invisible worlds’ of subconscious, spiritual realms, daydreaming, and our own inner depths. We are often consciously unaware - much is happening, yet it seems that nothing is happening. The past slips away, quietly into the night as the future slips in. While the Moon releases her current cycle, extinguishing the light and preparing for the next cycle, we too are releasing extinguishing and preparing; even if we don’t know it on a conscious level.

This is just…perfect for the Realm of Sleep storyline. Like, too perfect. This is what Saïx’s Mystery Gear was all about. Xemnas conducted mind control experiments, as a way to get a person to renounce their sense of self. This would allow them to be open to his heart, and he could turn them into another Xehanort. That was his entire goal in the Xehanort Saga. It’s exactly what the letter chi stands for, which inspired the Recusant’s Sigil. The scar symbolizes that Isa had to die for Saïx to exist as another self of Xehanort.

But the rabbit on the moon is a symbol of immortality. The Jade Rabbit was so selfless, he was willing to give up his life for a hungry beggar, who turned out to be the Lord of Heaven in disguise. In reward for his deed, he was taken to the moon to live forever. It’s also a symbol for people on Earth to look at, so they never forget the rabbit’s virtue.

During the experiments on the darkness of the heart, all the subjects suffered the collapse of their hearts. None could be used as vessels. The entire idea behind Subject X is that they were a unique specimen that did not collapse, unlike everyone else. This crescent phase of “Moon Rabbit” is used when Saïx is in his normal state. The rocket is taking Isa’s heart to the moon, where it will live forever. His love and selflessness will never be forgotten. But…it’s not there yet. The rabbit isn’t on the moon. It’s still on the way. But Axel doesn’t know this. That’s why it was called “Mystery Gear”. Of course “Moon Rabbit” feels totally at odds with Saïx’s personality. That’s the whole point.

New Moon is the phase of new beginnings. It is also called Dark Moon. You may not be aware you are beginning anything at all. In fact this is often a time with little conscious awareness of direction. This is a time of emotion, desire, and spontaneity. This is also considered to be a very powerful time to do “destructive magic”, like hexing and cursing.

Saïx’s first weapon in Days is called “New Moon”, and it is also perfect. It’s a new beginning, though not necessarily a happy one. “New Moon”, “Werewolf”, and “Berserk”  are all shaped like the alchemical symbol for antimony. The metal antimony symbolizes the animal nature or wild spirit of man and nature, and it was often symbolized by the wolf. In alchemy, it is thought that antimony has the ability to free gold from impurities, and the innate power to have a similar effect on humankind. Basically antimony is poison, but can be transmuted into pure medicine. And that’s exactly what Saïx needs. A transmutation.

Roxas: What’s it like having a best friend, Axel?

Axel: Couldn’t tell ya. I don’t have one.

Roxas: Oh…

Days completely revolves around two parallel stories. Pretty much everything Axel talks about with Roxas relates back to his past. When he teaches Roxas stuff, it’s almost always implied that he’s speaking from experience. You can tell he is here, because he gets so sad about not having a best friend. Obviously he was thinking of Saïx. And it’s like that for the entire game.

Xion: But you have memories, don’t you?

Axel: Yeah. Not that they’ve ever done me any good.

The entirety of Days takes place in this Dark Moon period of death and darkness. Isa has been banished with deconstructive magic. Isa was the Old Moon. Saïx is the New Moon, the Dark Moon. In his heart, Axel could tell that Isa and Saïx are two different people. He knew Isa’s heart was gone. And he was mourning a loss, just like a death. He was doing a lot of soul searching. He struggled with how to come to terms with his grief.

Lea: In memories, you live forever, you know?

Isa: Well, you may be a really small part of my memories, but at least you’ll never disappear.

Lea: I’m SO flattered.

The best thing he can come up with is to try viewing things from the perspective that he held in the past. If you exist inside of people’s memories, you can live forever. He may have to let go of any hope that Saïx will be his best friend ever again. But he can still hold onto the fond memories of Isa. Those memories can stay separated from the negative memories of Saïx. They can remain pure and undefiled in his heart forever. Isa said that Lea would never disappear from his memories. As long as Axel remembers THAT Isa, he will live forever.

Gibbous is when the moon is nearly full. Nearly, but not quite. We are poised and ready, the goal is so near we can almost touch it, almost reach it. So very close, but not quite, not yet. The Gibbous Phase holds a great deal of power and potential. It may take some patience and determination to tap into it. We find ourselves at the precarious point of being very close to a goal. This phase is about refining, fine-tuning, and tuning in. What you have begun may seem ready, but it can be better.

“Crescent” and “Gibbous” have a similar shape to Lea’s Keyblade.

Challenges, really, are always opportunities in disguise. But this is more true than ever during the Gibbous Phase. When you find yourself encountering glitches in your plans, realize that it is fortunate they were discovered at this stage, and most likely the result will be improving and enriching your endeavors. Impatience is so strong you can feel it in the air during Gibbous Phase. Yet patience is one of your best allies. It will come. It will be soon.

In magical terms, these phases are about breaking hexes, and using constructive magic to attract the things you want.

The level of energy is higher on Full Moon than any other time of the month. We see it, feel it, and sense it. We feel our own power, and the power of the world around us. The moon is the natural astrological ruler of emotions. When she is riding high, so are our emotions. We aren’t happy, we’re elated; we aren’t mad, we’re furious; we aren’t interested, we’re excited; we aren’t sad, we’re depressed. There is an out-of-control tendency that can make it difficult to harness this energy. This is a powerful time, of excess and extremes, which can manifest in a positive or negative way.

And of course, the moon is what breaks Saïx’s icy calm. The Full Moon can bring out the very worst emotions from a person’s subconscious. And during the final battle, Kingdom Hearts is a big Full Moon.

The Balsamic Moon Phase is a time for acceptance and release. What has gone too far to be repairable, we must let go of. The Moon is now retreating into the shadows, withdrawing into herself, resting and preparing to come back strong and vibrant in the next cycle. This is the time we should be preparing ourselves to be refreshed and ready for great momentum and new growth to come.

“Balsamic” is a weapon similarly shaped to triple goddess symbols. The Balsamic phase describes Isa’s story so perfectly.  He disappeared into the darkness of sleep.

This phase of the waning Moon is particularly good for final endings. Anything you don’t want to return - now is the time. We must have faith in ourselves, and the natural cycle, knowing what we let go of now will be reborn. We are making way for something new, releasing emotions and beginning healing…

But “Balsamic” is Crisis Gear. Saïx gets this weapon after he gets the Phoenix-shaped ones. This time it refers to the end of a different phase. The painful phase of the Dark Moon. I think this was meant to represent the time after Saïx is defeated, but before Lea uses the power of waking. I’m sure he wouldn’t know how to use it immediately. The purple aura symbolizes spirituality. But a black aura symbolizes long-term grief.

The Sun illuminates the Moon; she transforms and reflects his light upon the Earth. The illuminated Earth transforms and reflects her light, producing a mystical, silvery glow. These energies of illumination and reflection are ingrained into the phase of Full Moon. We reflect upon our lives and selves, we see more deeply into our own souls, as well as others. We are drawn to the illusive and mysterious.

The Full Moon is when the moon fully reflects the sun’s light. The moon’s energy is at its peak, so it can bring out the worst emotions. On the other hand, due to its power, it is also good for healing.

Full Moons are times when the moon is reflecting all of the sunlight it receives, flooding the earth with powerful energies. These are great times to receive energy healing. The Full Moon energy helps us release that which no longer serves us. It lights up the night, and energetically, these are times when the light can more easily eliminate the darkness in our lives, releasing old blocks. It makes us aware of life patterns that do not work for us. On a subconscious level, we may feel safer holding on to certain toxic emotions such as anger, fear, and jealousy. But with the Full Moon’s energy we can work on letting them go.

This version of “Moon Rabbit” is used in Saïx’s Berserk state. When the rabbit appears on the moon, it is full.  

“I think you can be inseparable even if you’re apart. It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

“As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart.”

These quotes are very similar and that was no coincidence. It was definitely implied that Axel used to feel not just close, but inseparable from Isa. As long as you feel really close to someone, you can be inseparable from them, even if you’re apart. And as long as you remember each other, you’ll never be apart. He still felt really close to the Isa from his memories. He never wanted to be apart from that Isa.

“I guess the closest thing we Nobodies have got is our past. You know, memories of the stuff we couldn’t bear to lose, back when we couldn’t bear to lose it.”

That’s why he shifted his attitude on Day 150. Before, he said memories were “just baggage”. Now he says that what he can’t bear to lose are his memories of what he couldn’t bear to lose…back when he couldn’t bear to lose it. Isa is the only established character from Lea’s past, so this was no doubt referring to him. Axel was admitting that when he was a human, he couldn’t bear to lose Isa. Of course, Axel did lose him. So, the next best thing was to hold onto the memories of him. The sad reality was that Axel’s hokey speech was really about finding a way for Isa to live forever, and for them to be inseparable once again. In his mind he knew this was probably hopeless. But his heart just wouldn’t let go of Isa.  

Axel thought he lost something precious—a special heart connection he had with someone. But the heart’s connection can never be lost. Lea realizes Isa’s heart never died. His love allowed his heart to live forever. The rocket carrying Isa’s heart has finally arrived on the moon. The rabbit is now immortal and his virtue will be remembered forever. Under the light of Kingdom Heart’s Full Moon, Lea is able to give Isa a birth by sleep, awakening his heart from the darkness of sleep, and offering him new life. He was right all along. Inside people’s memory, you do live forever. And no matter what, Lea’s heart just could not forget Isa.

Crescent Moon is now visible and increasing in size and brightness, having moved from darkness in the New Moon Phase to a slender, but solid easily visible sliver during this phase. This is the energy we feel during this phase; the beginnings of solidity. Visions and intentions are beginning to evolve into manifestation. Momentum is building, and we are beginning to see and feel the formation of what we have began. Our vision is clear, and direction is chosen. This is a time of seeking, and developing. We are encountering details, and confronting the challenges we must face. The vision held is going from a dream to a goal; from an idea to a plan.

The final scene shows Isa’s pin and it symbolizes the beginning of a new cycle, and also the Maiden phase. This phase is good for constructive magic, attracting things like love, wealth, and personal development.

Roxas: This is gonna sound stupid. Do you know what love is?

Axel: ‘Scuse me?

Roxas: I found out about love on today’s mission–that it’s something powerful.

Axel: That’s true. It is. But I’ll never get to experience it.

Roxas: Nobodies can’t love?

Axel: You need a heart, man.

A few days earlier, Axel was pretty dismissive about Roxas’ girl issues. On the other hand, he was NOT so dismissive about love. Sounds like he had a lot more personal experience in this matter that hit a lot closer to home than girl troubles. Axel has been in love. And he longed to be in a relationship where that love is reciprocated to him. This is something he’s never experienced, so he had no memories of it to fall back on.

After Axel said that, I didn’t think it would be truly satisfying unless he found love. But he specified that the love he truly longed for was the special kind between two people that’s different from caring about your friends. His arc was setting up more than platonic love. He longed for romantic love. That’s why I don’t think his ending in KH3 was a fully satisfying one. Friendship was important to him, yes. But the story set Axel up to have a lover when he finally got his heart back.

Axel: Love is what happens if there’s something really special between two people.

Roxas: You mean, like, if they’re best friends? Inseparable?

Axel: Well, you can care about your friends, I guess, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Everything in Days was carefully written to parallel Axel’s present situation involving Roxas, with his past involving Saïx. It was done very deliberately. Axel speaks of the past in broad terms, but he always speaks with a hint of wistfulness. The past is very personal to him. And the only established character from his past is Saïx. This was NOT an accident. It’s why I think the story was subtlely implying that Lea was not just best friends with Isa, but in love with him as well. They were best friends who were inseparable, just like Roxas and Xion. But Lea felt something else between him and Isa. And that something was different from the way he felt towards his other friends. What he felt for Isa was special. Lea felt love for him. And what better way to rekindle a lost love than under the heart-shaped moon of Kingdom Hearts, the heart of all worlds?

[emeraldwaves]

Title: Start of Something New Chapter 7 Pairing:  Todomomo, side Kamijirou Rating: T Word Count:  3,207 Summary: Momo is thrilled to be spending her winter break on her family ski vacation. Even though she’s anxious about graduating in the spring, she’ll have time to relax, enjoy the slopes and hang out with her best friend. Shouto is not thrilled to be stuck with his father for the entirety of his winter break. It’s anything but a vacation. Even with his siblings there, everything reminds him of his past and he just wants to get back to finishing school and moving on. When the two continuously run into each other at the lodge, both of them realize their vacations aren’t going to be what either of them expected. Read on AO3 Thanks to @its-love-u-asshole for reading this!

Climbing the stairs to the top of the lodge building, Shouto was thrilled to be getting some time to himself. Just as Yaoyorozu had pointed out, there was a large rooftop deck, completely empty minus her. Currently she was leaning over the railing, her long dark hair fluttering in the cool night air. She hadn't been kidding when she casually mentioned it was cold. Cold was... an understatement.

Zipping up his jacket, Shouto let the door shut behind him. Immediately Yaoyorozu turned around and waved, smiling at him. He nuzzled his nose against the collar of his coat and walked towards the edge of the deck where she stood.

There was something about her Shouto couldn't quite place. He didn't know this girl at all, and yet he felt drawn to her. She was beautiful, probably one of the most beautiful girls he had ever encountered, but it wasn't her beauty which drew him in. She seemed genuine, kind and easily excited, but still poised, classy, and well put together. He found himself impressed by her.

It was why his feet kept walking towards her even now.

"Ah! Todoroki-san!" she said. "I'm glad you were able to find it. T-Though I suppose it wouldn't be too difficult to find a rooftop deck." She laughed at herself, though he could sense she seemed nervous. "A-Anyway, I'll stop talking now so you can have some peace and quiet. I understand how sometimes a vacation doesn't feel like one unless you... take some time to yourself."

A small smile pulled across his face. "I don't mind talking to you, Yaoyorozu-san. You're very refreshing."

"A-Am I?!" she squeaked, shock crossing her features.

"Trust me," he muttered, leaning against the railing. "You're far better than dealing with my father at dinner."

"I see..." she said softly. Her pale face was illuminated by the fairy lights which trailed around the deck. They twinkled against the snow, some of them covered with the freezing white dust. The slopes before them were mostly dark, minus two small trails still lit for those who chose to go night skiing. "I'm sorry, but... I do understand," she admitted. "My parents haven't been the best this year either." A sad look crossed her eyes, and Shouto wanted to ask her more, but felt it wasn't his place.

"You... come here every year, correct?" he asked, glancing towards her.

Immediately her face lit up. "Yes!" she said, clapping her hands together. "I know I mentioned it before, but this is my favorite place in the whole world." She smiled, glancing out at the mountain. "The air is fresh, the snow is beautiful, and I have so many wonderful memories here."

Shouto couldn't help but smile, the energy radiating off of her was contagious. "Mmm," he nodded. "You can tell you love it."

"I'm glad! I hope whatever is going on with your family doesn't ruin this place because it really is incredible," she said. "I'm trying not to let my parents get to me too much. Thankfully, Kyouka-chan is here. We met here actually, and we've been friends ever since. Both our families always come during winter break."

"That so?" he said, listening to her speak so excitedly about her favorite place.

"Mhm!" she nodded. "I love spending time with Kyouka-chan." She shut her eyes and pulled in a long breath of air. "But I also love being out on the mountain."

There was a time when he would've probably agreed. Though he had never been to this lodge specifically, being out on the slopes and skiing through the snow was important to him. He could actually connect with his mother when he was out in the snow, it felt like she was there, skiing right beside him.

But lately it was hard to feel nostalgic when his father was breathing down their necks, setting a schedule for their vacation. Did he expect them to have fun? He supposed that was probably what his father wanted, especially since he was wanting to 'play games'... though Shouto could only imagine what a disaster that would be.

"I used to love that, but this trip has been... nothing but a headache," he sighed, leaning forward against the railing.

"Ah? I-I'm sorry, Todoroki-san," Yaoyorozu said quickly. She bowed her head. "I can keep quiet so you can have a peaceful moment!"

"No," he chuckled, laughing at how quick she was to be nervous. "I already said I don't mind listening to you speak. Actually, hearing you talk so fondly of this place makes me... like it more."

"Really?!" she said, her dark eyes shimmering with excitement. She reached forward and grabbed his hands. "It really is amazing here. There's so much to do and the scenery is so calming and beautiful! And the food is also amazing. I-I mean you already ate at the best restaurant but-" She paused, as if she suddenly realized they were now holding hands. She jumped back a bit, running her gloved hands over the railing. "S-Sorry, Todoroki-san... I get so excited and since things have been a little stressful... I was happy to share fond memories!"

Cute.

Oh gosh, was she cute. He thought back to his father being so frustrated this girl could potentially be a distraction for him. Admittedly, Shouto had never thought too much about romance or girls... or any sort of relationships as he often kept to himself. He didn't have time to focus on other people, not with the intense study schedule his father often prepared for him.

But what if...

What if, just this once, he allowed himself the distraction?

He watched her for a moment, her gaze staring at her hands, as if she was so embarrassed she had accidentally held his hand for a short period of time.

"Please, Yaoyorozu-san, don't apologize. I like hearing you talk about... something you love."

'You look beautiful.' The words hung on the tip of his tongue. He barely knew her, and he couldn't just blurt these things out. She would probably look at him like he was some sort of creep.

"O-Oh..." she said, and giggled. "Well, what about you, Todoroki-san?" she asked, leaning against the railing. "What is something you love?"

He froze. Something he loved? What was... something he loved?

"Cold soba."

How lame. He mentally slapped his hand against his forehead. She was going to think he was some sort of idiot; he was certain she didn't mean what his favorite food was.

"Cold... soba?" she asked, tilting her head. She giggled softly, the sound echoing on the winter wind. It warmed him, even with the cool night air surrounding them.

"That... ah... uhm... " He turned away from her, not wanting her to see how his cheeks were currently as red as his left portion of hair.

"Soba is quite tasty so, I understand!"

She was just being nice.

"Sorry..." he mumbled. "That probably wasn't the answer you were expecting."

"Admittedly, no!" she laughed. "But it was... very endearing."

"...I suppose," he sighed. "It's... difficult for me to say what I really, truly love."

"I can assure you, Todoroki-san," Yaoyorozu smiled. "This is a very safe space." She placed her hand over her chest and stood up straight. "I swear, anything you tell me will not leave this rooftop deck."

His eye widened as he watched her.

 Cute!

It made his chest clench a little. Was this what it meant to have a crush?

It was a foolish feeling, since he most likely wouldn't see her after this vacation was over... and yet...

He didn't hate the way his heart fluttered when he looked at her.

He nodded his head at her. "Thank you, Yaoyorozu-san. It's not that I don't trust you." In fact, there was something very appealing about speaking to her. She didn't know him, had no bias towards him or his past or how he acted in school. However, he didn't want to make a complete fool of himself.

"Oh, I'm glad I seem trustworthy!" she smiled.

"Mhm," he nodded. "I suppose... it's hard for me to say it because I'm not sure what I love."

Her brow furrowed, looking at him with such concern. There was a part of him that regretted speaking up, because he much preferred when he was able to make her smile.

"Can I ask what you mean?" she said softly, her dark eyes waiting patiently for him to speak.

"My father," he began slowly, "he wants me to take over his company. He's a businessman. My whole life he's been pushing me. It's always been my only purpose."

"Your whole life?" she asked, gently prodding for more information, though nothing about her tone or demeanor was pushy.

"Mmm..." he nodded. "My eldest brother was sickly as a child and deemed unworthy. He's studying abroad now to be a doctor. My sister, as a woman, was not worthy to him... Natsuo, the brother you met, he is far too easily distractible and my father couldn't put up with it," he explained. "Then there was me, and I am being molded into his perfect little heir." There was a bite to his tone and he turned towards the railing, staring at the snow pooled on top of it.

He swallowed, wondering if he had said too much. It wasn't like him to speak about his family so freely, but Yaoyorozu made him feel so comfortable.

"Todoroki-san," she whispered, reaching over to place her gloved hand over his. "I'm so sorry. Is business something you're interested in?" she asked. Her voice was so genuine, and even through his glove, he could feel the gentle pressure and squeeze from her hand.

"I don't know. I've never been given the freedom to think about it," he admitted. He wasn’t sure anyone had ever even asked him a question like that.

"I see," she whispered. "Are there any... hobbies you have that you enjoy? Something you pull joy from?" she asked.

"Mmm." Shouto hummed softly. "I enjoy this. Skiing, I mean. Or I used to."

"What changed?" she asked.

Shouto froze, his heart suddenly throbbing in his ears. He knew exactly what changed, but the words were trapped in his throat. He couldn't just say it, could he?

 "It's your mother..."

 "She..."

"I..." He let out a soft breath, a heated cloud curling in the air in front of him. "I don't know," he lied.

"I see," she whispered. Maybe she could tell he wasn't giving her the full story, but she was far too polite to ask for any further details.

"What about you," he asked, changing the subject. Dwelling on his mother was never good for his mental state, and so far the majority of this trip had brought back nostalgic memories which made his heart ache. He didn't want to think about it, not when he was spending time with her. He had talked about himself far too much already.

"Me?" she gasped. "I-I... admittedly after hearing your story I feel a little foolish," she said.

"What? Please Yaoyorozu-san, that wasn't my intention," he urged.

"I-I know!" she said. "It's silly. My parents keep pressuring me to decide what I want to do with my future. I've been accepted to the university I wanted and unlike you, my father doesn't mind if I take a different path with my life... however, I know he wants me in a stable position. You should've heard him tonight," she laughed sadly. "Kyouka is a musician and he was very concerned I planned on following her."

"Ah, parents," Shouto sighed.

"Right?" she said, sighing along with him. "I actually really enjoy chemistry, but I have no idea if my father would approve. I don't know where exactly I can go and be a chemist. Maybe I could teach..." she babbled, nervously stroking the end of her hair between her gloved fingers. "It's overwhelming, to think about and consider your future. I was hoping this trip would be a nice break from it all, but almost every dinner my father brings it up."

They had opposite problems. Shouto was being forced into a set future, one he couldn't change, and Yaoyorozu was spiraling along an uncertain path, one she couldn't decide upon.

"I've mentioned it to Kyouka, but her family is so relaxed and supportive of her music, she tends to not understand why I don't just choose what I want," she continued. "While that's nice to think about, I worry my father won't approve."

"I understand," he nodded.

"I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not pleasant to hear about my horribly wishy-washy decisions."

"Please, pressure, regardless of what form, is never pleasant," he muttered. He knew this quite well.

"Thank you, Todoroki-san," she said, bowing to him. "I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me."

"Well thank you for doing the same," he chuckled, nodding. He did feel a bit guilty for speaking to her so much, but at the same time... she had been so open with him too. In a strange way, he felt she understood him.

"Perhaps we could... speak up here again sometime in the next week and a half," she said, a smile pulling across her features.

He would've spoken to her up here every night if he could.

"I would like that. You're right, it is very peaceful and calm up here."

"Mhm," she said and placed her finger against her lips. "It's a secret! But I'm happy to share it with you."

He bowed his head to her and chuckled. "I feel quite honored to know about it then."

She nodded and reluctantly pulled her hand away from his, realizing she still had it resting over his. "I-I do wish you could come to the party tomorrow night, but I understand your father is quite intense!" she sighed.

He clenched his hands around the railing. He wanted more than anything to come to the party and spend more time with her. "I'll... make it," he said. "I'll figure out a way to get away from him and-"

"Ah! Please don't get in trouble, Todoroki-san!" she said, her eyes shimmering with nervousness.

"I won't," he chuckled.

The two of them stayed on the roof for a bit longer, letting the night slowly wear on. For now they were free from their burdens, their families slept soundly while they spoke into the night, and Shouto knew he had to get to that party, no matter what.

~~

"Someone's glowing," Kyouka said, flopping onto Momo's bed. The two met up after skiing and showering the next day. The party was only a few hours away and the two girls had plans to get dinner and head over to the pool.

"Glowing?!" she gasped and slid the closet door open, searching through the clothes she hung up. "I-I don't know about that."

"Have you been texting with Todoroki?" she teased.

"Well..." she cleared her throat. "We actually spent some time together on the roof." She braced herself, ready for the reaction from her friend.

"What?! Yaoyorozu Momo, taking a boy up to her very special spot?!" Kyouka gasped, clutching her hand against her chest as she leaned forward on the bed.

"K-Kyouka! It wasn't a big deal. He was having a difficult time with his father and so I invited him up for some peace and quiet."

"Sure, sure," she nodded, folding her arms over her chest. "Peace and quiet, and then you proceeded to talk his ear off I assume."

Momo popped her head out of the closet, her cheeks bright red. "Oh gosh... I probably did talk too much!"

Kyouka scoffed. "I doubt you did, I was just making a joke."

"R-Right..." Momo sighed. "I don't know it was... pleasant. I think we sort of understood each other even though our problems are very different." She smiled, glancing towards her window as she pulled a sweater off of the hanger. "And he did say he was going to try and make it to the party tonight." She hummed, clutching the sweater to her chest as she rocked back and forth happily.

"Great. So are you ready to admit this crush you have on him?" Kyouka smirked, raising her eyebrow at her best friend.

"Huh?!" She froze. Admittedly, she had an amazing time on the roof last night. Besides Kyouka, she couldn't remember ever connecting with someone that fast. They spoke for so long and Todoroki admitted his love of soba noodles and his frustrations with his family. She too, had admitted her own frustrations, though hearing his did make her feel a little guilty.

She wanted to say she liked him. When she thought about him her heart fluttered and she couldn't stop smiling. But there was a gentle ache in her heart as well, reminding her that this vacation wouldn't be forever. As much as she and Kyouka had connected and kept in touch... a long distance relationship was extremely difficult, and Momo was about to head to university. She didn't need that sort of distraction.

"I already told you I would only admit it, if you admit your crush on Kaminari-san!" Momo continued, immediately changing the subject.

"What?! This has nothing to do with me and him!" Kyouka sputtered.

"When are you two going to ski together?" Momo teased.

"Uh, excuse you, he snowboards, which is why we won't be 'skiing' together," she said.

"Okay," Momo sighed dramatically. "When are you going to hit the slopes together?"

"Uh, never," Kyouka snorted.

"So you're ready to see him tonight then?" Momo asked, humming as she began to button up the red sweater around her white tank top.

"Whatever," Kyouka said, flopping back down onto the bed. "Who knows if we'll even talk."

"Didn't he say he would see you there?"

"Okay, Yaomomo, seeing something and actually talking to someone are two totally different things!" Kyouka said, staring up at the ceiling.

"Ah, right," Momo snorted, pulling her long dark hair up into a ponytail. "How could I ever possibly forget?"

"I don't know, but you have to trust me on this one," Kyouka explained.

"Right, you are the dating expert," Momo said, nodding at her friend.

"Between the two of us, I really am," Kyouka said. She pushed herself up and stretched. "We ready for dinner?"

"I don't understand why you're so hesitant to say you like Kaminari-san, you've never held back in the past," Momo asked, ignoring her question about dinner.

"I-I dunno!" Kyouka hummed. "He's... a nerd." She pursed her lips, and Momo could tell her friend knew it was a poor excuse.

"There's nothing wrong with nerds you know?" she huffed.

"You're fine, but... I dunno... he's just not my normal type."

"Maybe," Momo began, hooking her arm through Kyouka's, "that's a good thing!"

Kyouka sighed, grabbing her small bag. "Who knows..." She rolled her eyes and nudged Momo. "We'll have fun regardless."

"Of course!" Momo smiled. As much as she knew that was true, deep down there was a small part of her that hoped she would get a chance to see Todoroki there.

[immortalpramheda]

The 100 ‘Eden’

We follow Clarke through the first few months of being alone of the scorched Earth after Praimfaya. Clarke, all alone, trying as best as she can to stay alive.

She has some great survival instincts, and pulls herself out of Becca’s lab and drives the rover to Polis. It hurt to see the Polis tower crumbled. It was such a huge part of the show, and of Clarke’s journey, that it was devastating to see it destroyed. She finds a piece of the Commander’s throne, Lexa’s throne, and uses that to help her get around.

When she was banging on the bunker door and calling out for her mother, hoping that she can hear her, that broke my heart. You could see the heartache on her face, of just wanting somewhere safe to go. Instead, she’s completely alone on this destroyed planet. I don’t know what she was hoping, because if she opened the door the radiation would kill the people in there. But I guess if her mother just knew that she was alive that would give her some peace of mind.

I admire Clarke's resilience in trying to pull all the rubble off the door, but as we see her say into the radio, there is too much and it would take years for her alone to dig them out. She’s kept sane by recounting her journey into the radio, hoping that Bellamy and the others in space can hear her.

“I came to Arkadia looking for food or water, but all I found were ghosts.”

That is my favourite quote of the episode. This scene was very emotional. I was worried that everyone was going to forget about Jasper, but I am so glad that his memory is still alive. Clarke heads to ruins of Arkadia and finds a box of Jasper’s things. Maya’s iPod, his goggles and his note to Monty. She breaks down in tears, for Jasper, and for all that has happened to her friends and her home. And I cried too. I mourned them, as did Clarke. All of these things that we have spent years with, all these characters and places, they are now gone. They are now a distant memory.

Jasper will always be an integral part of this show as he had a huge affect on so many characters. I am so glad that his memory will live on and they won’t forget him. For a moment Clarke thought Jasper had the right idea and considered following his footsteps, even going as far as putting a gun to her head, but I am so glad that she didn’t. Instead, she used his legacy to give her strength.

She had some wins, like rain after she’d gone days without water, and finding some dead bugs to eat. But she had many setbacks, like the unpredictable aftermath of the death wave in the form of a sand storm which rendered the rover useless. But eventually she came across hope in the form of a bird, which leads her to Eden.

Eliza Taylor was phenomenal in this episode. She treks along the desert with Jasper’s goggles and a piece of the throne, but eventually everything becomes too difficult for her. It pulled at my heart strings when she yelled up at the sky that she had had enough. She decides that this time her fight is over, which is when she considers giving up. In a way I think she needed to be close to death to realise that she wanted to keep surviving. A new found will to want to live.

The death wave jumped right over this place, Shallow Valley. But unfortunately the radiation didn’t miss this place. She finds dead bodies crowded in a room, a striking parallel to the aftermath of eradicating Mount Weather.

And then she finds Madi. I assumed that Madi would be this terrified little girl who Clarke would help nurture, but in fact she’s as Clarke says. ‘the girl from hell’. She’s a feral little jungle girl who was surviving just fine on her own.

When she first meets Clarke, she traps her in a bear trap and then stabs her. She thinks that Clarke is a Flamekeeper, come to take her away. She was a secret Nightblood, hidden away so that the scouts would not find her. Luckily Clarke has learnt a lot from her mother and can stitch up her leg, but then Madi steals all her stuff and creepily stands in the window.

Madi and Clarke’s relationship did not start on good terms. Things only start to get better between them when Clarke draws her and their relationship presumably blossoms.

I’m interested to see how their relationship evolved after that, because when we see them six years later they are like a family. Clarke tells her stories about her friends, and Madi seems to idolise Octavia. I’m not sure she knows the entirety of everything because Octavia has done some pretty brutal things. But none the less, their relationship is very sweet, and I am gad that Clarke was only completely alone for a few months.

Time to catch up with Spacekru. Bellamy is still staring out the window. He’s looking down at Eden, having no idea that Clarke is down there. He’s frustrated that they still have not figured out a way to get down.

A lot has changed in the six years on the Ark. Echo has been training Raven how to fight, which is awesome! Monty is the cook, his specialty is gross green algae soup. The radiation is blocking the radio signals, so that is why they can cannot communicate with Earth. And they don’t have enough fuel to get back down.

Monty and Harper are still together, as I thought they would be. They ended on such great terms last season and Monty really has no one else. Emori and Raven are best friends and roommates, and Emori has really blossomed as a person.

Murphy and Emori have broken up, which is sad, but expected. Emori has found, for the first time in her life, a community. People who need her and people who she needs. It’s understandable that they had some altercations.

Murphy is not in a good place. He feels worthless. Bellamy tries to calm him down and get him to admit that he’s not, but it’s ingrained in him that he is. He’s had six years to work all this shit out and he probably feels deep regret at some of the things he did on the ground. And on the Ark there is nowhere to run. He’s trapped. Remember how he fared being stuck in the lighthouse bunker for three months? He went insane and almost killed himself. This is much worse. Although he’s not completely alone, there is nowhere for him to escape to. He’s trapped, and that has let all these feelings culminate inside him.

They can see the Eligius ship out the window of the Ark, dropping a pod down to Earth, to Eden. They see this as their chance to potentially get back to Earth. Monty is reluctant to go back. Here, he has a purpose and he has Harper, the only family he has left. He’s content up here, he’s scared of going back to the root of all these traumatic memories.

Bellamy and Echo. I have absolutely no problem with this. Echo has done some bad things, I know. But it took Bellamy three years to forgive her. Three years is a long time and completely believable for someone like Bellamy. They’ve been up here for six years, he has now spent more time with Echo than ever did with Clarke. I know deep down he still remembers and loves Clarke, but he believes she is dead. He can’t cling onto her, he has to move on.

Forgiveness is something that Bellamy has always struggled to give himself, let alone others. In these six years he would have had time to evaluate everything and learn to forgive himself, and in turn he could then forgive others. Echo and Bellamy have a lot of similarities, they’ve both done things they are not proud of. They could have helped each other deal with these things and move on. And it’s lonely up there and they needed to give one another a reason to survive, a reason to not give up. And it seems that Bellamy an Echo did that for each other.

And we all know that it’s not going to last very long, because when they get down to the ground that will change everything. So I don’t have an issue with this. In fact, I actually quite like it.

There are clear parallels to the 100 landing on Earth for the first time when the Eligius ship lands. I’m intrigued to see how these new people deal with things. They’re prisoners, have very advanced weapons and have been in cryosleep for over 100 years. Who knows what they are capable of.

Madi has a secret place to hide under the floor, just like Octavia. That’s how she hid from Flamekeeper scouts for all those years. Another reason why she idolises Octavia, they are very similar and I’m interested to see what happens when they meet.

After the Eligius prisoners find Madi, Clarke comes to her rescue her adopted daughter and kills one guard, and then Madi is forced to kill another. Madi wants to spare the other guard as she believes he may be a good guy. But as Clarke knows, there are no good guys and she kills him. A tough lesson for Madi to learn. After all, she is still a child who has, at least since Clarke found her, had a protected and peaceful upbringing.

And finally we get our first glimpse of the bunker after the time jump. Octavia is moderating what seems to be a gladiatorial fight to the death. Well, they only had enough resources for 1200 people for five years so they needed to reduce population somehow, and I guess that’s one way to do it.

A fantastic first episode of the season! I love the way it set everything up and filled in some blanks of what happened over the six years. Looking forward to seeing how things pan out from here because every single one of the storylines is intriguing!

[twilight-adamo]

As Dreams Are Made On: The Mixtape - Liner Notes

Hello everyone! I am currently in the process of gathering my thoughts on Brave New World and trying to get the next installment of These Our Actors (which will focus on Rosalie) just right, in addition to trying to find my thread on Out of the Blue and other non-Twilight projects. This has been complicated by the fact that I’ve been fighting a couple rather nasty nose and throat bugs of late, and so this weekend I’m doing my best to relax and recover.

In the meantime, I thought I’d start offering up my notes on the Spotify playlist I posted a while ago and why I chose the songs I did. For anyone who didn’t see the link, here it is:

https://open.spotify.com/user/12153099402/playlist/5IYjYDbcM6qvQ2hgGnOCGF?si=orkjWU50SjKm7xbPSF_r5w

Since many of my choices do relate directly to specific plot points, there are potential spoilers ahead, so I’m putting this behind a cut. I won’t get through every song in this post, but I’ll add additional notes in subsequent posts as time allows.

As I think I mentioned before, I find playlists to be a very useful tool in my writing. It’s possible to spend too much time tinkering with playlists, of course, so I try not to do it in place of writing or outlining - this is just something I work on when I’m occupied with non-writing tasks that allow for a certain amount of downtime. Each song tends to relate to a plot point or an emotion I’m trying to evoke in a certain part of the story, and the sequence generally follows my outline of the plot, though I’ll sometimes put the playlist on shuffle if I’m feeling stuck and want to try and shake things up, and I sometimes end up adding, removing, or resorting various songs as my understanding of the plot evolves. Since As Dreams Are Made On is done, the current version of the mixtape - all 49 songs - is now pretty much in its final form, but when I’m working on a story, the associated playlist is very much a living document and subject to change.

Music has always been a hugely important part of my life, thanks in large part to my mother, who was an influence on much of my creative output. I tend to think of myself as a visual and verbal person first and foremost, but music has the power to set my mood, to reawaken old memories, to align my thoughts, and to soothe my emotional turmoil. My personal tastes are fairly eclectic - my mother favored country, and I’m still fond of the genre, but I also listen to a lot of pop, classical pieces, musical theatre, folk music, movie scores, and so on. Spotify has been kind of a godsend when it comes to building playlists, though there are unfortunately a few pieces which should be on the mixtape but aren’t simply because they’re unavailable on Spotify. I’ll try to make a note of those missing pieces in the appropriate sections.

Right, well, without further ado, let’s get to the songs.

Pieces and Pieces - The Rough and Tumble This song’s sort of a thesis statement for the whole story, in a way. The refrain, in particular, speaks to me of where I was going: Nothing is lost when it’s been found again / Everything’s found where it was lost. Cass/Bella (or CB, as I refer to her, when I’m not simply calling her Bella) has seemingly lost a great deal, but she comes to gain a great deal as well, and to recover things she thought lost to her forever. The line “I will make you mine again, pieces by pieces” also speaks to me of the story’s dramatic climax, where the nature of CB’s relationship with Alice becomes clearer.

Where Is My Mind? - Pixies Here’s where we’re getting into the actual sequence of events. This one might be a little bit of a cliché, but it reflects CB’s confusion when she wakes in the world of Twilight. It’s also just generally one of my favorite songs.

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last This is the first of many pieces pulled directly from the soundtrack of the Twilight films, and the first song that centers a character other than CB, as it reflects Alice getting hit by the mating bond full-force. It’s a lovely piece, but I think there’s an undercurrent of anxiety and some slightly ominous elements that suit Alice’s mood well. Love at first sight sounds like a pleasant prospect, but it’s also a frightening one, and neither Alice nor CB would have chosen it, given the chance to choose.

Iowa (Traveling, Pt. 3) - Dar Williams Another of my favorite songs. I listened to a lot of Dar Williams in college, and listen to her fairly often still, but I keep coming back to this one in particular. As a lifelong New Englander, famed for what my great-grandmother called ‘the Yankee reserve’ (which means we don’t tend to wear our emotions on our sleeves and generally we keep to ourselves), these lyrics in particular speak to me:

But way back where I come from We never mean to bother We don’t like to make our passions other people’s concern And we walk in the world of safe people And at night we walk into our houses and burn

So, to me, this song speaks of CB’s struggle with her own emotions as her life in Forks begins and she grapples with the mating bond and all it implies. And it also speaks to her background as a lifelong Bostonian, who doesn’t like to be a bother but nevertheless finds herself in a whole new social context and a position where she needs to reach out to others to survive.

Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs This is Rosalie’s introduction to the story. I don’t really know why, it just seems to suit her, somehow.

Bela Lugosi’s Dead - CHVRCHES It may be physically impossible for me to write about vampires WITHOUT using this song. I just felt like I had to fit it in somewhere, and the first meeting with the rest of the Cullens (sans Carlisle and Esme, of course) seemed like a good spot.

Looking for a Place to Shine - Deidre Thornell Hear the Bells - Naomi Scott I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of compelling reasons for these two. They just seemed to fit the sort of transitional period between the first meeting with the Cullens and Leah’s introduction a little later on.

Red Eyes and Tears - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Leah’s introduction to the story. Again, it just seemed to suit her.

New For You - Reeve Carney We’re back to Alice with this one. It sort of reflects her own emotional turmoil in dealing with the mating bond and having to accept that CB doesn’t necessarily reciprocate all her feelings just yet.

Fearless - Taylor Swift Well, this one actually comes up in the story, so you can pretty much guess where it fits in. Again, though, it’s one of my favorite songs, and speaks to the joy that I think love should carry with it, and the idea that love should drive us forward and make us better. It’s been a serious contender for the first dance at my hypothetical wedding for a long time (though “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri may be beating it out now).

The Mercy of the Fallen - Dar Williams More Dar Williams! This one...I don’t know. Somehow, it speaks to me of love and acceptance, of individuals who are all burdened and broken in their own ways reaching out and comforting one another. And that, in turn, makes me think of CB’s first visit to the Cullen house: her first real conversation with Rosalie, her introduction to Carlisle and Esme, all of that. This is where she really starts to build bridges, I think, and where she and some of the others begin to open up to one another.

Bella’s Lullaby - Carter Burwell, Dan Redfeld and Elizabeth Hedman This is of course one of my favorite pieces from the Twilight movie score, and includes a leitmotif that comes up more than once in both the films and in my playlist. I couldn’t find the original version from the score itself on Spotify, but this cover works. Of course Edward plays it on the piano at this point in the story, reading it out of CB’s thoughts, and I think she adopts it in a sense as a sort of personal theme. Every time I listen to it, it makes me think of soaring pine trees and crisp, cold air, and I find the melody very soothing.

Missing Piece: Star by Star - Cassandra Lease and Melissa Carubia Someday I’m actually going to get together with the friend who helped me with the arrangement on this one and record it. It probably won’t go up on Spotify, but I’ll likely post it somewhere. This is the song I wrote for my mother’s memorial service; the lyrics are of course reprinted in the story in their entirety. This is probably one of the most personal elements of the story, the point where I really started to spill my guts across the page. I obviously backed off a little from my own life once I introduced Callie to the story, but there’s still a lot of my soul buried in the text; sometimes, I think, too much.

Bella’s Lullaby (Extended Mix) - The Twilight Orchestra I’m not really sure why this shares the name Bella’s Lullaby when it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the shorter piece, but whatever. This is just a lovely piece that sets the mood for Alice and CB on the rooftop and the events that follow.

Possibility - Lykke Li Similarly, this is more of a ‘setting the mood’ song. I don’t think the lyrics quite fit, in their entirety, but this basically represents CB awakening to the possibility of forming a real attachment to Alice, despite her qualms.

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift Another (highly anachronistic) Taylor Swift song that shows up in the story itself. I can be an extremely basic white girl at times.

Bad Reputation - Avril Lavigne The Joan Jett version isn’t on Spotify! I don’t know what to tell you! This cover’s pretty good, though. Another Leah song, and something I imagine might be playing in the dive where CB introduces Leah to fried pickles.

Nothing to Lose - Minusworld My friend Melissa’s band! Get their EP, Giant Blazing Sword, wherever you buy digital music! Listen to them on Spotify and Bandcamp! Anyway, I think this is the track playing during Leah and CB’s encounter with the scary assholes in the alley, and when Emmett and the others get their big damn hero moment.

In Place Of Someone You Love - Carter Burwell, Dan Redfeld and Elizabeth Hedman We’re skipping ahead a bit here. This piece comes after the shopping scene and CB’s attempt to analyze Rosalie’s abilities, when she’s in the dream of the burning house, trying to save her memories.

The Forgotten - Green Day This piece represents CB’s emotions after she wakes from her brief coma, as she struggles with losing her memories and burning away parts of the world she left behind.

Black Is The Colour - Cara Dillon And this piece represents CB’s acceptance of her feelings toward Alice, her confession of love despite her reservations. It took me a while to find a cover I liked, as I very much wanted to use a version that had a woman singing about another woman, for obvious reasons.

Okay, I think that’s pretty much all I can handle for now. More to come soon!

[starwrite-er]

Poster Boy [Chapter 17] - Poe Dameron x Reader

Tag List: @firefeatherx @plethora-of-things @britishteahater @umbrellabrass @purple-skeleton @winchesterandpie @the-creative-lie @i-alrightokaycool @definitely-nota-fangirl @purelittleblueberry @gemmielii @irebelcaptain

 Numb. I felt numb. Impervious to all as the scene played over and over and over in my mind. The ceaseless sounds of Coruscant become nothing but white noise. Somewhere along the line, I switched off the camera and audio transmitter. My mind blank, I only vaguely know where my feet were taking me.

 Her betrayal is eating me from the inside out.

 The accommodation is in sight when someone grabs my arm. Acting out of instinct, I turn, breaking out of their hold, blaster in hand, but it’s not an enemy that I come face to face with.

 “Woah, hey, it’s just me,” Poe says, cautious of my unexpected reaction. His voice is soft. “It’s just me.”

 I immediately bring myself towards him, letting out the tears that I’d pushed back the entirety of the journey. I’m held close to him, his arms wrapped securely around me. His presence is like a safety blanket as he murmurs reassurances.

 “C’mon, we’ve already got all your stuff on the ship.” He tells me, guiding me away. The carrier ship isn’t necessarily the most inconspicuous choice, but it isn’t overtly obvious either, so it’s good enough for now.

 Once inside, Poe calls out to the pilot to go, never once breaking contact with me. We take a seat as the spacecraft takes to the air, leaving Coruscant behind. I lean into Poe, his arm wrapped around me, rubbing my arm soothingly as we sit in silence.

 It’ll take a lot to convince me to return there.

 My gaze falls on the bag I brought with me to the industrial planet, and I part from Poe for just a minute, moving into a more private area of the ship to change into something more comfortable.

 When I return, I’m wearing clothes that are void of Coruscant’s culture, and I’m quick to return to my place by Poe’s side.

 “Nobody holds what happened against you.” Poe speaks up eventually.

 “Someone will.” I reply, my voice quiet, helpless. Everyone in the Command Centre would be aware of what had happened, having seen the footage and heard the audio.

 “You made a tough decision, one that kept everyone at home safe.” Poe says, his tone firm but soft, squeezing my arm reassuringly.

 Up front, communication between the pilot and base alert me to our arrival on D’Qar. We’re cleared for landing, and a minute later we’ve touched down on the familiar duracrete.

 I peer out of the ship, finding a few familiar faces waiting for us. Upon seeing a particular friend of mine, one that was close with Niyele, I clench my jaw and hang my head, addressing Poe. “I can’t face them right now; I can’t face Chertan right now.”

 Poe drapes something - his jacket - over me and places a hand on my shoulder, using his other hand to gently move me so to look at him. “I’ve got this, okay?” He presses a kiss to the top of my head and disappears out of the ship.

 I pull the jacket closer around me, waiting for him to return as I’m left alone with the crushing feeling of hopelessness. Night has fallen across D’Qar, and the low chatter from just outside the ship is all that disturbs the silence of the hanger.

 The light footsteps of the ship’s pilot approach from behind me. “How you holding up?” The familiar voice of Jessika Pava asks. I shrug, wordless. She gives me a pat on the back, not saying anything that could be stepping over the line.

 “I’m sorry you have to see me like this.” I say, giving a dry laugh.

 “You’ve got nothing to apologise for.” She replies, cracking a smile.

 “Thanks for flying out there for me,” I tell her, genuine in my words. “I know it’s not the most desirable thing to do at this time of night.”

 “I don’t know what happened to you or Niyele on Coruscant,” She responds, pausing momentarily as I frown at the mention of my old friend. “But Poe was frantic and looking for someone to help collect you. You’re a good friend and pilot, it’s the least I could do.”

 “Thanks, really.” I offer a weak smile, pulling the jacket closer to me. A knock on the metal of the ship alerts us to Poe’s presence.

 “I got everyone to leave,” Poe tells me, and I’m grateful. “Well, almost everyone-“

 “Ma!” Keipii bursts into the ship, arms open as she hurtles towards me. I drop to my knees, welcoming her embrace.

 “She was adamant on seeing you.” Poe explains as the little girl clings to me. Jessika smiles at us, taking her leave.

 “Pa left really suddenly to get you and I was scared,” Keipii looks me in the eye with a deep intensity, and I watch as something clicks in her mind. “Where’s Niyele?”

 I exchange a look with Poe, my mouth dry. I fumble over my words as I try to answer the girl. “I’ll explain in the morning, okay?”

 It’s an answer she’s unsatisfied with, but she picks up on my unwillingness to talk about it and let’s it go.

 The rest of the night is restless for me. Poe is reluctant to leave me after such a traumatic experience, but I find myself insisting. Keipii falls asleep fast enough, curled into my side. On the other hand, I lay awake as my thoughts continuously come back to Coruscant.

 A knock on the door breaks the silence. Between the weary feeling of my eyes and the headache, I know that sleep didn’t find me. With a sigh, I pad over to the door.

 “Morning. Can I come in?” Poe asks, a tray of food in hand. I give him a look, but step aside so he can enter. He places the tray on a low table and explains. “I didn’t think you’d want to deal with everyone, so I brought breakfast.” 

 “Oh, thank you.” I smile. A groan from the bed signals Keipii’s waking up. She blinks slowly, still laden with sleep, until she recognises Poe’s presence, a grin breaking out across her face.

 “Mornin’, Pa.” She greets cheerfully.

 “Good morning, sleepyhead.” Poe replies. I watch the interaction fondly, my mind drifting.

 “Hey, if you see the General, tell her I’ll be by later today about the mission.” I ask Poe as he and Keipii make a move to leave for the dining hall.

 “You don’t need to rush into anything you don’t feel up to, y’know?” Poe responds.

 “That’s not how a war works.” I retort, but my smile lets him know I’m grateful for his concern.

 “Alright, whatever you say,” He plants a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

 With that, he’s racing down the corridor, Keipii hot on his heels, both laughing gleefully.

 The rest of the day, the feeling of numbness returns. I barely taste the breakfast I was brought, but make an effort to eat it, for Poe and Keipii’s sake. I lose track of time and thoughts as I stand in the ‘fresher, the warm water welcome. Around midday, I seek out General Organa to be debriefed on the mission the way I should have hours ago. Poe’s jacket is like a safety blanket as I dodge familiar faces on the way, only to be confronted with the General’s softer-than-usual questioning.

 I do nothing for the rest of the day, spending in mourning to myself in my room.

 The following day starts out the same way. Poe stops by with breakfast and take Keipii off my hands, and I force myself to eat and wash, if only not to worry Poe and Keipii unnecessarily. I find myself bundled up in bed, thinking back to my experience on Pamarthe, the memories now oh so bittersweet.

 Between the death of Niyele and the subsequent reminiscing, I realise that I haven’t made an effort to go visit my parents since they came to D’Qar. It’s been nearly two months since the Pamarthen incident, and guilt was suddenly engulfing me.

 It needed to be located a safe distance from the base, so the new village takes a trek to walk to. Oh well - I feel like walking.

 And so I do. It’s a bit tedious, but D’Qar is, overall, a pleasant planet. There are worse places to get lost in thought. I find myself thinking back over the past couple months. A few days ago, I lost one of my dearest friends. About a month and a half ago, I visited Yavin 4 for the first time. Nearly two months ago, the village I spent so much of my life in was nearly destroyed, and Keipii became part of my life. Almost four months ago, I completed Poe’s mission and brought him back to D’Qar. Half a year ago, the Hoth incident occurred, and, despite having been a part of the Resistance for years, I only then began to build my relationship with Poe.

 The time has flown by. So much has happened in such a short time, I can only wonder what the future holds.

 Construction on the village has progressed faster than anyone could have hoped. There’s a high chance that, if we win this war, the village will continue to be occupied, potentially even expanding, similar to what happened on Yavin 4 after the last war. No name has yet been officially decided for the settlement, but people have begun to refer to it as New Pamarthe. I like it.

 Eventually, I find myself standing in front of my family’s new home. I take a deep breath and knock, the door swinging open barely seconds later. My mother blinks at me, taking in my appearance for a moment before welcoming me inside.

 Voices come from the room my mother ushers me in the direction of. Inside I find the unexpected sight of Poe conversing with my father.

 “What are you doing here?” I ask him, interrupting the conversation. I give him a look of mock suspicion, though a small smile forms on my lips. Poe turns at the sound of my voice, surprised by my sudden appearance.

 “Um, talking?” Poe tries, looking almost sheepish.

 “He’s been checking in with all of us recently.” My mother tells me. I nod.

 “Oh. Well, thanks. It’s appreciated.” I address Poe, my actions feeling almost restricted by the watchful eyes of my parents. He seems to notice it too, raising a brow at me.

 “It was good talking to you, Mr and Mrs Y/L/N, but I should go,” Poe says to my parents before turning to me. “I’ll see you back at base, right?”

 I nod, affirmative. “Yeah. Meet you in the dining hall?”

 “Sounds like a plan.” Poe grins at me and takes his leave.

 For a moment, I watch him go.

 “He’s a nice boy.” My mother says offhandedly. I hum in vague agreement, ignoring the implications her words held.

 I take a deep breath and steel myself. I just need to suck it up and face them - I owe them that much.

 I turn to my parents and speak up. “So, I guess we have a lot to catch up on, don’t we?”

[mittensmorgul]

Anna, Grace, and Humanity

(note: I’d written about a thousand words of this post when my laptop suddenly rebooted without warning and ate the entire thing. This is my post-screaming-fit attempt to recreate it. This time I’m typing it in a google doc because autosave is my friend… I should really do this more often and stop playing so fast and loose with typing directly into tumblr posts, especially on long posts…)

I know I’ve written a metric ton of stuff about angels and grace and souls. I’ve got multiple tags for all of these things. I just rewatched 4.10, though, and realized just how Anna’s situation has served as the exemplar for how all of this functions within the entirety of canon. Despite a lot of exploration in later seasons that may seem to tinker with these fundamental ideas about exactly what grace is, I think that these essential facts still hold true. Even through what we later learn about Chuck creating the angels and human souls, the nature of Free Will, and what happens to Cas in s9 after Metatron removes his grace, and what happens to Metatron after Cas subsequently removes his grace. All of that still firmly fits within the framework of everything laid out in 4.10 about angels and identity and what grace actually is.

Sam: Wait a minute. I don't understand. So, angels can just become human? Anna: It kind of hurts. Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt. I ripped out my grace. Dean: Come again? Anna: My grace. It's... energy. Hacked it out and fell. My mother, Amy, couldn't get pregnant. Always called me her little miracle. She had no idea how right she was.

Grace… is energy. And whatever makes Anna who she is-- for lack of a better word, her personality-- her memories, her thoughts and feelings, her emotions, her very consciousness, is explicitly differentiated and separated from “her grace.” In this analogy, her grace is not equivalent AT ALL to who she is. It’s not her identity.

DEAN: So, what, you're just gonna take some divine bong hit, and, shazam, you're Roma Downey? ANNA: Something like that. DEAN: All right. I like this plan. So, where's this grace of yours? ANNA: Lost track. I was falling about 10,000 miles per hour at the time. SAM: Wait. You mean falling, like, literally? ANNA: Yes. SAM: Like the way a human eye can see? Like a comet, maybe, or a meteor?

She fell, but she lost track of this “energy” falling separately from her. That energy doesn’t have its own consciousness. So then what is it? I’ll get to that in a second, but first, Sam confirms this separation from who Anna identifies as versus the power itself:

SAM: Here. In march '85, a meteorite vanished in the night sky over northwestern Ohio. It was sighted nine months before Anna was born, and she was born in that part of Ohio. RUBY: You're pretty buff for a nerd. SAM: Look, I think it was Anna and here, same time -- another meteor over Kentucky. RUBY: And that's her grace? SAM: Might be.

Anna fell over Ohio, and her grace, separate from her, fell in Kentucky. We learn a few minutes later what her grace actually is, confirming the sort of “energy” it is, which is essentially how Chuck describes all of creation toward the end of s11:

SAM: Yeah. In '85, there was an empty field outside of town. Six months later, there was a full-grown oak. They say it looks a century old at least. DEAN: Anna, what do you think? ANNA: The grace. Where it hit, it could have done something like that, easy. DEAN: So grace ground zero -- it's not destruction. It's... ANNA: Pure creation.

Grace is potential, it’s energy, it’s power. It’s batteries. That’s it. It doesn’t even affect Anna’s assumptions about her own identity. Before Pamela helps her recover her lost memories, Anna believes she’s human. After a lifetime of forgetting who she was (after some psychotherapy she had as a small child that HELPED her forget who she was), nothing changed except her ability to recall her true identity, and yet she immediately stopped thinking of herself as human after regaining those lost memories.

Anna hadn’t recovered her grace. She was still the exact same metaphysically both before and after that scene with Pamela, except that afterward she no longer identified herself as a human:

ANNA: Thank you, Pamela. That helps a lot. I remember now. SAM: Remember what? ANNA: Who I am. DEAN: I'll bite. Who are you? ANNA: I'm an angel.

Even without her grace, she identified WHO she was as an angel, even if that wasn’t WHAT she was at that moment, without her grace. Even after choosing to fall, tearing out that grace so she could experience humanity, this still shows her perceptions about herself-- with or without the power pack installed-- aren’t any different. She still fundamentally identifies as an angel. Even though she was physically and arguably metaphysically human at that moment.

A common misconception about s4 is that Cas somehow “stole Anna’s arc” or “replaced Anna” as Dean’s guardian angel, and I know I’ve already written multiple times how that’s just… patently not true on any level. But here we go again, for the sake of completeness and transparency.

Anna was introduced as an inverse mirror for Castiel. An angel who chose to fall, who was fascinated with humanity and lived Anna’s entire human life as a human, forgetting who she was, prompted to recall her original nature by Cas’s shout of DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED, and then being manipulated into restoring her grace. And even the restoration of that grace didn’t fundamentally change WHO SHE WAS. What it did allow was the return of her full angelic power. She didn’t lose her identity because of it, at least not until the very nature of that grace itself made it possible for her to be “reprogrammed” in Heaven. Only after she was captured and tortured and reprogrammed did she really lose her identity.

In later seasons, we see Cas go through almost the exact opposite progression. He retains his grace, his angelic nature, and yet becomes more and more human despite that. When he eventually does have his grace taken against his will and becomes fully human, he is still fundamentally the same individual. It’s only after being manipulated in Heaven that he’d lost control of his own identity. Even taking on the stolen grace of other angels did not change how he thought or behaved or felt. He was still Cas, but with a different set of cosmic batteries powering him up. Like he’d been a drained car battery that got a jump start from another angel.

Grace is not WHO Cas is. Though having grace versus not having grace might change WHAT he is.

And over the last several years, this has been Cas’s crisis of identity. EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of Anna’s arc in practically every way.

When Anna remembered everything, she had no crisis of identity. She had no doubts about WHO she was. Even before she took her grace back to reclaim WHAT she used to be. She never doubted that she was an angel or struggled to resolve her humanity with her identity as an angel. And this is the fundamental difference between how she identified herself, and the struggle Cas has been facing. When asked if he’s an angel or a man, he just doesn’t have an answer for that yet.

Even with his grace restored, even after telling Sam and Dean that he feels that they’re his family, even after telling Kelvin flat-out that he doesn’t care about his reputation in Heaven and he’s entirely motivated by his relationship with the Winchesters, he’s still conflicted. It’s almost as if his grace is what’s actively preventing him from letting himself really, truly feel all of that.

ANNA: Perfect... Like a marble statue. Cold... no choice... only obedience.

And then how Anna refers to angelic disobedience:

ANA: I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve to be saved. DEAN: Don't talk like that. ANNA: I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It's our murder one, and I knew it. Maybe I got to pay. DEAN: Yeah, well, we've all done things we got to pay for.

Disobedience is “murder one” for angels. And what has Cas essentially embodied as an angel? Certainly not one for following the rules…

In s5 when he was cut off from Heaven and his powers faded, he wasn’t fundamentally different, aside from not having powers. In 6.19 when Eve cut off his powers, he was still the same. In s9 living entirely as a human, he was still Cas. With Theo’s stolen grace, and then Adina’s, he didn’t suddenly become a different “person.”

At the very end of the episode, after everything Dean learned about Anna, what motivated her desire to be human, and what’s now become of her now that she had been manipulated into taking her grace back on, we get one of the most painful truths about all of it:

SAM: So, I guess she's some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy... Wherever she is. DEAN: I doubt it.

She hadn’t wanted to lose WHAT she’d become (as a human). She really had no other choice. WHO she was, though… that never changed at all. Grace or not. The only thing she got back with her grace was her powers, and through them eventually the obligation, the duty, that Heaven could “reprogram” back into pure obedience and loss of self.

Dean had it right. Everything that had made her happy, she lost it when she had to retake her grace. If she’d had a choice, I don’t believe she ever would’ve reclaimed her grace. And it wouldn’t have altered her identity one iota.

[scriptshrink]

Bad Psychology: Netflix’s “Gypsy” (Part 1)

CW: alcohol, suicide

So Netflix made a show about a “therapist,” starring a woman I forgot the name of who is essentially a Knockoff Nicole Kidman (and thus will hereafter be referred to as “KNK”). In summary, KNK is a therapist who is bored with her marriage and decides she wants to sleep with a client’s ex-girlfriend that she’s heard him describe in therapy.

This show is a garbage fire. It’s so bad. I only managed to watch the first two episodes and I have never in my life regretted wasting as much time as I did on it.

As someone studying to become a clinical psychologist, this show’s portrayal of therapy makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. This show promotes an extremely inaccurate portrayal of therapy that may prevent people from seeking the help they need. It gives therapists a bad name. As such, I feel the need to set the record straight.

[Gif: Picard from Star Trek: “What you’re doing here is unethical. It’s immoral. I’ll fight it.”]

Note - This post has been broken up into two parts: this part deals with my therapy-related critique, and Part 2 will be my general / random thoughts about the show (including the fact that the very title of the show is a racist slur). 

Let’s get started. God help us.

The first time we see her in therapy, KNK is writing nothing but the word “boundaries” over and over in her notes. Very professional. That’s definitely going to help jog your memory when you’re typing up session notes later. /s

Actual dialogue:

Old lady client: I haven't seen [my daughter Rebecca] in two months. She barely answers her phone. So this weekend, when she canceled, I blew up! Why do you think she's avoiding me?

KNK: It's impossible for me to speculate on Rebecca's life. I only have access to you.

Client: I think she's just busy. If she were dating, that would be a good enough reason. I used to hope that she wasn't picking up because she was having sex. [laughs] That would be fine by me, you know?

KNK: I understand your concern, but by giving her space, you might show her that you're respecting her boundaries.

Client: I'm furious... that she won't give her mother any time. Her job is more important. The gym is more important. Even her weekly blow-out every Monday. That she has time for. And I've been to that salon. It’s really not very nice.

KNK: Rebecca loves you, Claire. Just give it some time. Emotions change like the wind.

[Gif: Morello from OITNB resting her head on her hand, smiling and marveling at the stupidity, “Do you hear yourself sometimes? Like, when you speak?”]

KNK, you cannot say that the client’s daughter really loves her. You said yourself that you can’t speculate about her. You have no fucking idea if it’s true.

Just stop.

Different Client: *tells story about having to drop out of school because she was caught stealing money for drugs and how her mom has lung cancer*

KNK: *uncomfortably long blank stare*

Immediately cut to KNK ordering wine at a coffee shop (in the middle of the day, no less) to try to impress the client’s ex-girlfriend she wants to bang.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SHOW ACTUAL THERAPY IN A SHOW ABOUT A THERAPIST

Wait. I think I figured it out. KNK isn’t really a therapist. She’s a fucking voyeur. She doesn’t actually want to help anyone. She is taking lurid pleasure in her clients’ vulnerability and pain.

Oh, and speaking of wine, KNK is drunk or drinking in about half of all the scenes she’s in. She drinks wine at lunch and goes back to see more clients like wtf. 

...Hold on. I take it back, this could actually be a good thing!

[Gif - Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.”]

Please for the love of god anything to get KNK to stop spewing her unethical nonsense.

Oh, man. The supervision scenes (where KNK meets with other therapists and they discuss their clients and stuff) are fucking hilarious.

KNK: He shouldn't marry her.

Therapist 1: Uh, that's not for us to decide. We're here to address his issues, not make his decisions.

Note - “Uh” here translates roughly to: “what the fuck is wrong with you, did you not pay attention during literally the entirety of your graduate education? We fucking learned this day one and were reminded at least once a month for literal years.”

KNK: I'm sorry. I just feel like we've been hearing about his rampant cheating stories for the past year straight. And now he's getting married.

Therapist 2: Well, behavior change takes a long time. And he's made growth in his commitment to his relationship, so as long as he's showing up for sessions and putting the work in--

KNK: I'm not questioning that we support our patients, but if they keep making poor choices, maybe we need to change tactics. It's just disheartening that sometimes all we can do is help them keep their head above water.

Because respecting your clients’ agency and keeping your clients alive is boring and sad.

Also, KNK could not be more condescending in this scene if she fucking tried. Just fucking look at her:

[Image: KNK looking patronizing as fuck, “I’m not questioning that we support our patients…”]

Therapist 1: Jean, remember, our job is not to do the work for our patients. Sometimes we're just here to listen, to be a sounding board. And realize that you can't fix everyone.

KNK: Yeah, I know. I get it. Trust me, I have tried. But I am just tired of sitting in that office listening to the same old story week after week with no results. It's frustrating.

I dunno, KNK...maybe you could try doing actual therapy, not just sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs while listening to your client?  Like...maybe try CBT or DBT? Teach your client some coping skills?

Oh, right. That would involve a level of competency that KNK clearly does not have.

[Image - KNK at a supervision meeting with other therapists. KNK: “And now she’s questioning the value of therapy, the value of me.”]

Newsflash, KNK - your client is questioning your value because you’re a worthless therapist.

OH SHIT STOP THE PRESSES. She’s actually giving her client homework! Like a real therapist might! I wonder what it is!

Oh. She wants the client to sign an oath not to contact his ex-girlfriend, who KNK is trying to bang.

Seriously, that’s the homework.

Because if he contacts his ex, there’s a chance he’ll find out about KNK trying to bang her.

Fuck you, KNK, you selfish unethical asshole.

Oh, also, a former client of KNK’s is evidently accusing her of something (unspecified as of the end of episode 2). This is KNK’s response.

[Image: KNK: “Yeah, well, she’s borderline. She’ll say anything.”]

Really. REALLY???

Now. It’s an unfortunate fact that some therapists don’t treat their borderline clients well. But what the actual fuck. Do you really want to paint your protagonist as a shitty, awful person?

Oh, wait. Too late.

So a random client shows up and is just sitting in KNK’s office waiting for her, which is potentially a huge breach of the confidentiality of KNK’s other clients.

KNK’s response is to make a snide comment about there being a waiting room, then to proceed to yell at client for being late to the appointment. 

Because wasting a therapist’s time is worse than something that is actually illegal and can result in thousands of dollars in fines. KNK’s clearly got her priorities straight.

KNK then lets that same client fall asleep on the couch in her office. Just in case it wasn’t unethical enough the first time around!

For fuck’s sake.

[Image: A seedy nightclub bathroom. KNK says to her client’s ex who she’s trying to bang: “You’re like a human Rorschach.”]

So she’s outdated, invalid, and meaningless? Sick fucking burn, bro!

Also, Hermann Rorschach, who was in all likelihood human* would like a word. I think the writers meant to say “inkblot.”

Who the fuck is writing this fucking shit.

* Note - the Shrink has no evidence to confirm or deny that Hermann Rorschach was a vampire, werewolf, or other non-human creature.

The absolute worst part comes when KNK’s ‘forbidden’ and ‘dangerous’ relationship with her client’s ex leads to KNK learning something important about her actual client. Namely, that said client has in the past been suicidal after a breakup.

This is slightly important because, you know, said client is currently going through another breakup - and may become suicidal again.

Guess what? KNK NEVER FUCKING BRINGS IT UP IN THERAPY.

She didn’t have to tell him she knows about his past. She could just ask him if he’s having thoughts of suicide - it’s a routine question that therapists ask! A lot! Some therapists will ask it every session!

But no.

KNK legitimately does not fucking care if her client lives or dies.

The only value her client has to her is that she can pump him for information about his ex-girlfriend. She uses her position as a therapist to manipulate her client into serving KNK’s agenda to get laid.

I’m not joking.

Actual transcript:

KNK: You know, I was thinking, Sam, is it possible that you came on too strong with Sidney [his ex that KNK wants to bang]?

Sam: [stammering] What do you mean? Today?

KNK: No, in general. She just seems so independent and free-spirited, from the way you describe her. Maybe she felt claustrophobic.

Sam: I don't understand why you're telling me this.

Me fucking either.

Sam: We were in love, and then she got scared. Decided she needed to experience more shit. More people.

KNK: So she's dating?

Sam: No, she actually told me she’s not interested in any guys.

KNK: So she's interested in women?

Sam: No. What?

KNK: Well, the way you... Anyway, it's very common for young women to dally or try things.

How fucking dare you.

Fuck this show. Fuck everyone involved in producing it. Fuck Netflix for hosting it.

[Gif: John Oliver repeatedly pounding his fists on a table and saying angrily, “Fuck you! Fuck you all forever! You fuck yourself! You go fuck yourself right now!”]

Okay. The Shrink needs to take a break to calm down. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Disclaimer // Support me on patreon. I watch this shit so you don’t have to.

[suitablysublime]

okay the whole concept of the looking glass is just... a mess... in general and characterization isn't exactly the tour's strong suit, but... i have some additional thoughts w/r/t alice, ellie, jack, (my version of) fratter, & the LG prompted by @jollyteatime​'s post on the subject a couple days ago. VERY rambly and disconnected thoughts. 

let’s kick this off with the explanation of what the looking glass does:

RABBIT: Well no one ever goes through.

ALICE: Why?

RABBIT: Because they don't want to.

ALICE: Why? What's on the other side? Where do you go?

RABBIT: Well, you come back here. Now, if you go through, which is one of the things that makes this a very unusual looking glass, when you come back, it's the opposite of you.

JACK: I don't understand.

ALICE: I do. It's like a portal. A portal to the... other side of things.

RABBIT: Exactly! A portal to the parts of you that you usually keep hidden!

JACK: And people don't want that?

RABBIT: Of course not! That's why they hide them in the first place!

ELLIE: But what if you wanted to go back to being that person?

RABBIT: That is a very difficult question.

ALICE: And what's the answer?

RABBIT: Alice... That is up to you.

obviously, as isabelle noted, this doesn’t really make sense  ( the “opposite” of you and the parts of yourself you hide are... not the same thing. )  HOWEVER, i think it’s important to also take into account certain things the looking glass says about itself, in particular this exchange:

ALICE: Don't, Jack! I think the rabbit was right. I think I hid the other side of me for a reason.

LOOKING GLASS: Then you shouldn't go through.

ALICE: It can talk?

LOOKING GLASS: That is another thing that makes me an unusual looking glass.

ELLIE: We do need things to change.

LOOKING GLASS: Then you should go through.

JACK: I'm not sure...

LOOKING GLASS: Then I'm not sure either.

ALICE: You're not very helpful.

LOOKING GLASS: I’m not very helpful, no. It’s not up to me to decide who you want to be.

laying aside the question of opposite vs. hidden, the important takeaway here seems to me to be the role of personal choice in the changes the looking glass enacts in people. this is reiterated several times throughout the rest of the musical: you should ONLY go through if you really, truly want to change.

now –––––– i have a lot of problems with the concept of the looking glass, with insta-character development, and in particular with how the hatter’s character is reduced in the tour to a plot device with no agency or personality to speak of.

that being said.

i think if we focus on the looking glass’s own words, it’s possible to make sense of the transformations it enables over the course of the show.

“It’s not up to me to decide who you want to be.”

it isn’t the looking glass’s job to better people. it’s not the looking glass’s job to recover from trauma, or work through pain, or break bad habits, or stop relying on maladaptive coping mechanisms. it’s not the looking glass’s job to figure out the kind of person somebody wants to be and then forge them into that person.

it’s there to facilitate change, but it can’t be the one driving that change.

let’s look at these one by one.

1.   ellie.

ellie’s transformation is pretty straightforward.

as things stand at the beginning of the show, ellie is experiencing a type of emotional abuse called parentification. her mother has burrowed into this comfortingly a rose-tinted, idealized memory of her former marriage and the fantasy that her (abusive) ex-husband will come back for them. this puts ellie in the position of needing to “parent” her mother — buying food, cooking meals, telling her it’ll be alright when things go wrong, trying to prod her into letting go of the fantasy and living in the real world.

ELLIE: Okay, don't worry about the job. You hated it anyway. You could think about going back into teaching...

ALICE: Ugh, what's the point?

ELLIE: Well, they were gonna make you Deputy Head before Dad—

ALICE: No, Ellie.

ELLIE: You could even try writing again.

ALICE: Your father said it stopped me concentrating on our marriage.

ELLIE: Stopped you picking up after him like some kind of slave...

ALICE: He was protecting me!

ELLIE: He was a nightmare. One day he was screaming at us, the next he was all, "I love you, and I—"

ALICE: He saved me, Ellie. He was patient, and charming, and he helped me understand that he should be my focus and my friends were a really bad influence, actually. They all hated him.

ELLIE: It was a prison, mum.

ALICE: It was a cocoon!

ellie is twelve. this is what her life has been for five years. and before that, it was living with an abusive father who treated her mum like utter shit and turned her into a shell of the person ellie remembers knowing in her earliest years.

at first glance, she seems to be handling all this very well — she’s optimistic, responsible, well-behaved — but there’s signs of anxiety and unhappiness from the very beginning, and all she really wants is for alice to “finally realize that dad is gone” and that “it’s time for her to stop acting other wise.”  she’s so, so desperate for alice to be her mum instead of her responsibility. ellie doesn’t want to be her mother’s caretaker, doesn’t want to be the responsible, sensible, competent one in their relationship — but she doesn’t really have a choice, because alice refuses point blank to even try getting better.

that’s why she charges through the looking glass, and that’s why she comes out of it spitting mad. all this stuff she’s been suppressing because she has to be the parent gets dredged up to the surface — the anxiety, the unhappiness, the deep betrayal of her mum not taking care of her the way mothers should, the exhaustion, the sadness, the loneliness, the resentment — and it all explodes out at once.

she got exactly the change she wanted: she gets to think, feel, and act like the traumatized twelve-year-old child she actually is, instead of like a grown up.

2.   jack.

jack’s transformation works a little differently.

he starts off as a loser. he’s trapped in the miserable and unappreciated job of coordinating garbage services for his apartment building, and for three years he’s been secretly pining for a woman he can’t even pluck up the courage to say hello to and who doesn’t even know his name even though they’re neighbors. he’s passive and indecisive, stumbling through his life without ever daring to actually pursue any of the things he wants.

but he has these fantasies. dreams of being cool, and confident, and charming, and the kind of person who looks good and feels good and can just sweep alice off her feet and be the man of her dreams. of being a hero.

that’s what he wants when he goes through, and that’s what he gets.

sort of.

jack gets a change of clothes and a glaze of confidence and charm, and absolutely nothing else. it’s enough, at first, to convince both him and alice that he’s been transformed into a hero... but he hasn’t. he doesn’t fucking DO anything after his transformation that he wasn’t already doing before.

he credits the looking glass with giving him the courage to talk to alice — but that’s not actually the case. jack first plucked up the courage to speak to alice before he even knew the looking glass existed, before he and alice ever ended up in wonderland.

ALICE: Then rescue her. You're supposed to be a hero!

JACK: I can't.

ALICE: The Looking Glass is obviously pointless, then. All you've changed is your clothes.

JACK: I spent three years trying to pluck up the courage to speak to you! This conversation is a heroic act for me, I promise.

so, yeah. alice is right, and the looking glass didn’t make jack a hero. 

i think this is because the fantasies that jack had in his head about who and what he wanted to be were never realistic. he isn’t like ellie. he doesn’t have a ton of emotional junk that he’s been repressing and hiding inside of himself that just needed to be released — he was just an average, normal, sort of wimpy person who wished he could be something he’s not. 

going through the looking glass, i think, ultimately gives jack the perspective he needs to understand that he’s never going to be, to use jack’s own words, “this special guy with big muscles and ray guns who turns up and magics everything better.” he can strut around and pretend to be that guy for a little while, but sooner or later the illusion’s going to crumble and he’s just going to be the same person he’s always been. 

but... accepting that he’s never going to be that person isn’t the same as giving up and wallowing in how pathetic he is. in the beginning, jack has a very fatalistic view of himself; though he dreams of being #cool he also believes very strongly that there’s no way he could ever be anything but a loser. letting go of the fantasy also means letting go of the belief that self improvement is impossible. he can work on being less shy, less passive, more confident. he does have the potential to be better than he is right now, if only he tries. 

that’s really the change that the looking glass facilitates: for jack to try to do what he can to better himself instead of wallowing in his own unhappiness and dreaming of better things. the trappings of heroism, the swagger that he wears when he first emerges from the looking glass, are just a roundabout way of getting him to that point.

3.   alice.

alice is terrified of change.

for her this is self-defense gone horribly wrong; the only way she could cope with how her husband treated her and the awful way her marriage ended was by retreating into fantasy and convincing herself that everything was fine, that that was love, that she enjoyed the abuse and felt safe being controlled. 

letting go of that would mean facing her trauma, facing the guilt she feels vis a vis ellie, and taking responsibility for her own life. and that terrifies her —

because she’s worn out and tired and she wasted half her fucking life letting this pathetic evil man take everything she had to give and then throw her out like trash when he finished with her, and how do you come back from that? because for him she walked away from all her friends, from a career she excelled at, from a hobby she loved, from her daughter, and she’s forty years old and she has nothing except this fantasy she’s built for herself.

but she needs to change, and she knows that. she knows this isn’t sustainable, that sooner or later something’s going to give, and that terrifies her too because she has no idea what’s going to happen when it does.

so when she finds the looking glass and digs in her heels and refuses and refuses and refuses to step through, it’s because she senses on some level that she’s reached the point where she can’t keep running away and she’s going to have to turn around and reengage with reality. 

and... part of her wants to. she expresses a desire to change in the very first song  ( “I’ve gotta change, but I’m too afraid to! / What would I find even if I dared to? / So I’m stuck right here, as if anybody cares...”  )   that thus far has been overridden by her fear. which is something that i think scares her too? the very fact that on some level she does want to change is frightening.

the thing that finally convinces her to go through is not everybody in wonderland piling on her and telling her she needs to do it for all their sakes. it isn’t for ellie. it isn’t for jack. all those things play a role, but ultimately i think it’s this conversation, which is ostensibly about ellie but really about alice herself: 

ALICE: I just want someone to rescue me.

JACK: No, you don't.

ALICE: Oh, what do you know?

JACK: I know that you're lying to yourself! Your ex-husband made you think all these things about yourself which just aren't true.

ALICE: How do you know?

JACK: Because! It's incredibly obvious! Because it's not a unique story! And actually, because it's not a unique story, you know it too.

ALICE: ...Everything I ever do is wrong, Jack.

JACK: No—no. Right here, now? You're the person who can do the thing. You. Not me.

ALICE: What is that, then?

JACK: It's getting through to Ellie. It's stopping the Hatter and finding a way of getting us home.

ALICE: I can't do it!

JACK: Then Ellie's doomed. So's Wonderland.

ALICE: I don't know what to do, Jack.

JACK: You have to try.

ALICE: But I might fail!

JACK: Well I think that maybe that's what makes trying heroic.

this is the first time in the show anybody actually calls alice on her bullshit. up to this point she’s gotten plenty of pleas from ellie to get over sebastian, but the problem has never been that alice is genuinely still in love with sebastian. she’s not. the problem is that she’s lying to herself that she’s still in love, and everything was fine, and he just needs to come back and her life will be fine — her still being in love with sebastian is as much a part of the fantasy as everything else. it’s not real. 

jack recognizes that, and him saying it out loud forces alice to admit it too.

and then when she tries to evade, he cuts right to the heart of why she’s so resistant to admitting all this, which is her fear of not being able to do it. that the person she used to be — the person who wouldn’t have thought twice about charging in to rescue her daughter — is gone forever and she’s going to be stuck as this pathetic, useless, empty person for the rest of her life. she’s scared to try because trying and failing would be worse than never trying at all.

and jack, essentially, reminds her that no — trying is success in and of itself. that it’s okay if she doesn’t know how. it’s okay if she’s scared. 

so.

she still doesn’t want to go through the looking glass, because she doesn’t know exactly what will happen when she comes out but she knows it’ll be hard and unpleasant and scary and painful; but on a deeper and more important level, she wants to go through, she wants to be her old self again. she wants to be more than the hollow shell sebastian made of her. 

this conflict is why it takes her hours to emerge after first going into the looking glass; i think she has to work out which side she wants most before the looking glass can do anything for her. 

when she does finally emerge, her transformation looks a lot like ellie’s: everything she suppressed for the sake of clinging to her fantasies has been brought to the surface. she’s not all better or fixed because not even a magical portal of character development can just snap its fingers and poof decades of trauma gone — but she’s been kicked out of denial and straight into anger: 

ALICE: Sebastian? Oh, my god. Don't get me started on Sebastian — he's the literal standard-bearer for the monstrous legion of gutless half-men who make themselves feel big by brainwashing otherwise sane women into feeling worthless — in fact, forget that! He's not the standard-bearer! Don’t give him that much credit! He's just some rancid little foot soldier! And I'm going to make it my life's work — you mark my words — to make every woman value themselves properly and laugh in the face of these pathetic little bullies as they realize no one's ever going to fall for them again until they finally march off into the sea!

( i’m going to be pissed about this speech getting cut until the day i fucking die. )

now that she’s being 100% honest with herself about everything, she’s in a position to finally start getting better. 

4.   hatter.

( note: unlike isabelle, my interpretation of uk!hatter is based solely on fran’s version of her — i don’t take natalie’s or michelle’s portrayals into account. that’s the context in which i’ll be discussing her character here. )

hatter’s transformation is unique in that hatter did not want to go through the looking glass. at all. ellie, jack, and alice all genuinely DID want their lives to change in some way when they went through the looking glass.

the hatter does not want to change. period. her life isn’t perfect, but it’s good enough for her to feel content with her lot:

HATTER: Oh, this is home.

ELLIE: What?!

HATTER: Well, it's cozy...

ELLIE: The queen keeps cutting off your heads!!

HATTER: That... is stressful.

[...]

ELLIE: I already told you you have to stop the queen!

HATTER: I can't. I'm just a jolly teatime person. Although what you're saying does make me feel dangerously energized and proactive—no, no, on thinking about it, I choose tea time.

[...]

HATTER: But I'd need to be a totally different person.

ELLIE: Yeah, you need to go through the Looking Glass. It's like so obvious!

HATTER: But you shouldn't go through the Looking Glass if you don't really want things to change, and I don't.

ELLIE: You should! You can stop this stupid tyranny!

now... there’s subtext in the way this scene plays out that suggests the hatter isn’t truly content with the way things are, and that she does see the appeal in overthrowing the queen and taking over wonderland herself — but the important thing, for our purposes, is that neither of those things is enough to make her actually, actively want to change.

she goes through the looking glass not because she wants to but because ellie tells her to do it, and the results are... not good.

the looking glass isn’t supposed to decide how people should be — it isn’t supposed to be the one driving the change. and when hatter goes through she doesn’t have a clear idea of what she’s supposed to become, other than that she needs to be a totally different person capable of taking charge and overthrowing the queen.  ( exacerbating this, i think, is the fact that the hatter really... doesn’t have any models of what having power looks like other than the queen; positions of authority are, to her, synonymous with tyranny. )

so. she becomes a tyrant. sort of.

as with jack, this “change” is very superficial and thus cannot last; unlike jack, however, hatter never wanted to change in the first place and so, when the illusion of transformation fails, instead of reconciling herself to it as jack does, hatter just clings harder and harder to ellie, who convinced her to go through the looking glass in the first place and who must therefore, the hatter thinks, know what the hell she’s doing.

for hatter, instead of being a liberating experience as it was for ellie or one that prompts self-assessment and self-acceptance as it did for jack, going through the looking glass is a painful, upsetting, confusing experience specifically because she never was content with herself and didn’t want to change, but felt obligated to do so for ellie’s sake. and it isn’t until she goes back through the looking glass that these issues are resolved.

5.   in summary...

the looking glass seems to have two modes. 

for people like ellie and alice — who really, truly, desperately needed to change — it appears to tear away any self-deception or masks or fantasies that are getting in the way of that change happening. it stripped ellie’s façade of responsible adulthood to let her actually be a child, and it ripped away the remnants of alice’s extremely maladaptive fantasies.

for... other people, it appears to create illusions, and whether these illusions result in positive or negative experience seems to depend on whether the person actually. wants to change or not. 

for jack, who’s miserable and wishes he could be different, slaps a stupid rockstar hero persona on jack, which lasts just long enough to give him a boost in self-confidence before falling to pieces because he doesn’t fucking do anything. for jack, this was still a positive experience — he got to live out his wildest dreams just long enough to realize that it wasn’t sustainable and he’d be better off just being a less self-pitying version of himself — because it was a way of leading him to the changes he actually could make to improve his life.

for the hatter, this is bad. very very bad, because the looking glass shows her a nightmare version of herself — an off-brand queen of hearts, an industrial tyrant, a cruel, angry, selfish person willing to let her friends sicken and die because that’s how power works. she never wanted to change in the first place, and only went through the looking glass because of ellie, and she had only the vaguest ideas of what the sort of hatter who could overthrow the queen would be like... and the result was horrible. 

[onwardintolight]

Monster

This ficlet is a response to @graciecatfamilyband‘s question “If you were Leia, after ROTJ, would you train with Luke to become a Jedi, or stick to politics? Why?”

After the war, I had a lot of things on my mind — I was heavily involved in the work to assemble the new government, for one, and I was also beginning to shift my focus back to the surviving Alderaanians and what I could do for my people. Not to mention, I was newly married, and a child came soon after. 

I should have been happy. All the things I’d once dreamed of (and things I’d not even dared to dream, feeling myself unworthy) had finally come to pass. Yet I found myself stuck in a darkness and a turmoil that surprised me… though in retrospect, perhaps it shouldn’t have. All I had been through during the war — Alderaan, torture, Han’s temporary loss to carbonite, Jabba’s palace, watching too many people die (often directly or indirectly because of me), and so much more — it all began to catch up with me. And always, the mask of that monster loomed in my mind: him, the source of this evil, the cause of all this horror, and Luke had said… Luke had said he was our father. 

I couldn’t process it. I didn’t want to think about it. 

Luke had said that this father had turned back, in the end; that he’d saved his son and killed the Emperor. But all I could think of was Vader’s harsh breath as I writhed on the floor from the torture meds, the splitting pain as he tried to break down my mind’s barriers, his iron grip on my shoulder as everything I loved exploded into a billion tiny particles of dust, the proud, skeletal stare of his mask across the room in Cloud City as he came close to taking everything from me once again. A litany of my worst memories. The nightmares that still creep up on me, breaking into the quiet hours.

I despised Vader, with everything in me. And I was afraid. If I was the biological progeny of this twisted being, then who was I, really? Did the same potential for catastrophic evil lurk in my veins?

I had felt it, hadn’t I, all my life, this strange connection, this bridge to the ebb and flow of life around me. It emerged in my empathy, my intuition, even my leadership skills — I see it so clearly now. While I will never underemphasize my parents’ nurturing of those qualities, I’ve realized that the extent of my abilities can’t be chalked up to my upbringing alone. There’s always been something more, some inside force that whispers to me and guides me, that helps me persuade and fight and protect and persevere. Something that’s led me back, over and over again, to hope.

The Force. Somehow, I had always known.

At first, I let Luke teach me a few things. Things like how to meditate, how to further hone my perceptions, how to reach out and feel him and others in a fuller way, to speak without words. I’ve even moved a few rocks. 

I know Luke hoped I would become a Jedi, too. But the more he told me about the Jedi way, the more uncomfortable I felt, especially as the weight of all that had happened began to settle more deeply upon me. 

(Our father.) 

Luke says fear and anger are the path to the Dark Side. 

Easy for him to say, I think. Or maybe not. I know he’s struggled greatly with those things, and I would never trivialize his massive personal victories over them. Now, though, he is the picture of perfect peace, of tranquility. He trusts in the Force that all will be made right, and that in some sense, it already has. 

Maybe he’s right. I don’t know. 

But our relationships with those emotions are not the same. Anger and fear have been my constant companions for so long, I don’t know if it’s possible to let them go. And in truth, I’m not sure I’d really want to, at least not fully. After all, it’s my anger at injustice and evil and my fear of a galaxy enchained and destroyed that has so often fueled the fire in me, giving me strength to fight, to persuade, to seek change.

But I feel the dark potential, too, of those emotions — the seething hatred, the pull towards despair that sometimes sucks me under. There are days when I no longer know how to speak, how to be; days when all the pain rises up inside me, threatening to explode.

Honestly, the storms I experience are more of a threat to myself than others, unless you count the occasional angry diatribe. (My fault, the whispers still accuse, the ashes of Alderaan smoldering in my mind still.) I will carry forever the memory of the Dark Side’s evil, packed like a ball of durasteel in my core, a warning against too much power. (So much death, so many sacrifices. My fault.) I could never see myself perpetuating everything I fought so hard against, becoming the very thing I hate. (I’m a monster.) I will never.

And yet. (He was my father.)

Other things, too, I might have to forfeit to become a Jedi; other threads making up the very fabric of who I am. Jedi aren’t supposed to have attachments (Luke is undecided on whether to continue this practice, but it’s been a tenant of the order for millennia). I have Han, and for that alone I’d forsake the Force in its entirety. Jedi are supposed to favor serenity over passion: my passion is my drive, my entire nature, even. How can I be what I’m not? Studying the Jedi way takes full commitment: I’m already committed fully to serving the New Republic and the Alderaanian diaspora.

(He was my father.)

I have so much now. Even on my darkest days, I still have so much to live for. I see the steadfast love written in my husband’s eyes as he weathers these storms with me, encouraging me onward, daring me to pursue my dreams, soothing me through the nightmares (as I do for his), daily sweeping me off my feet. Our love is an exquisite beauty I never thought I’d have, but here we are. I look at Luke, and Chewie, and other friends new and old, and the joy that wells up in me at the challenges we’ve faced together and the victory and the freedom we’ve won nearly takes my breath away. I gaze into the face of my precious little son, and I know that I would die, I’d do whatever it takes to continue making the galaxy a better place for him. 

Whatever it takes, as long as it’s right.

And that… that is why I cannot travel this path. The power that Jedi training may give me is tempting, of course. Maybe if I learned the ways of the Force, I’d be able to make the galaxy right. Maybe I’d be able to better protect those I love. Bring swift justice. Champion the vulnerable without the neverending tangles of bureaucracy. 

But then again, maybe the galaxy has had enough of that kind of power already. 

I trust Luke not to grasp for it. As he’s told me, it’s surrender and sacrifice, not aggression and forcefulness, that mark a Jedi’s true calling. He will continue the Jedi tradition humbly and faithfully; I believe it.

And I will continue to honor my true father’s legacy, as well as my mother’s: serving my people in the government, and in the Senate, however I can. I’ll also continue to embrace this curious Force inside me; letting it speak through me to reach hearts and minds and strike up flames of hope, the same hope that it kindled in me, against all odds, throughout the years.

But I do not want more of that power.

(He’s my father.)

No monster will ever take control of the galaxy again.