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lisatelramor · 5 years

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For Love of Aoko

An anon on FFnet asked about Kaito, Saguru, and Akako all caring for Aoko, and this was supposed to be just the first four parts as a drabble. But my brain went and gave me the equivalent of the middle finger and said 'no, have actual scenes'. Since I have been having writer's block in a lot of my other ongoing fics, this happened instead of them. Hope it satisfies, Anon.

***

In Kaito’s life there has never been a moment when he didn’t know he loved Aoko. From the first, he’d liked her, a wide-eyed, cute girl who’d appreciated his sleight of hand in front of a clock tower. She’d kept appreciating it, always a little awed whenever he did something for the sole purpose of entertaining her. He’d loved her as a friend for years as they filled empty spaces in their broken homes with each other, childish hijinks and sharing secrets beneath pillow forts. Romantic love hadn’t been a dramatic shift. Just a normal day watching Aoko do normal things and he’d realized he wanted that forever.

Being with her.

Of course none of that meant that he couldn’t tease her too. And it isn’t like he’s going to tell her he loves her. Maybe someday, but not now. Not with Kid and her dad on the task force chasing him. Not with crazy people with guns and a grudge lurking in the night. Not when he can still have her like this, annoyed and chasing him with a mop and moving together like they can read each other’s minds because they’ve danced this dance so many times.

She’s safe like this.

So Kaito flips over some desks and steals her pencils and doesn’t let his smile drop or his hands linger when they touch even though he wants to.

He’s loved Aoko for years and he’s not going to stop any time soon.

*o*o*

Akako has known from a young age that she had power. Witches of her family line had been enchanting men for centuries, gaining wealth, power and freedom all willingly given by foolish men who thought they might win their hearts, or at the very least, their bodies. She learned to charm and manipulate with a smile, a frown, a hint of what she wanted and ways to lead someone to making those desires reality long before she even touched her magic.

It’s never made her any friends with women, but honestly, with power like hers, what did Akako need friends for? If she wants companionship she doesn’t need to do more than look at a man and he can be her conversation partner. If she’s hungry, someone will provide. If she sees something she wants, she can drop enough hints in the right ears that that thing will be hers within a day or two if not immediately. If she wants all men in the room to look at her, they will. They will abandon what their fickle hearts had been set on and come to her and be hers to command and they will be ecstatic if she so much as condescends to look at them. She is just coming into her full powers and already she is a queen like her mother was before her.

Until Kaito.

Kaito who brushes off her charms. Who looks bored at her attempts to attract him, who gives more attention to a plain girl in their class than Akako and Akako knows that even without her powers she would have most of them men turning heads her direction from looks alone. Kaito is a flaw in her perfect tapestry of control. A snag that ruins the image, and all over some girl.

Aoko is nothing special. She’s wild-looking, childish, and has a terrible temper. She’s not stupid, but she isn’t the top of her class. She doesn’t try to look beautiful and she doesn’t try to make people like her at all. She disrupts class as often as Kaito does and doesn’t seem to see the irony that yelling at Kaito only adds to chaos he starts.

Logically there is nothing about her that should be worth Akako’s attention at all.

Akako can’t help watching her anyway, wondering what Kaito saw in her that made her special. What she had that Akako didn’t.

Out of the girls in Akako’s class, Aoko doesn’t glare when Akako holds court. She’s actually asked Akako to eat lunch with her before. With a smile. A smile that wasn’t even fake, like she actually wanted to be friendly.

It should be annoying. A peasant treating a queen like an equal. But.

Akako watches Aoko laugh at something Kaito says, open and straightforward and brash, everything Akako isn’t… This girl. There’s something there that keeps Akako coming back, watching her as much as Kaito, over and over again.

Perhaps, Akako thinks, next time she will smile back when Aoko makes another attempt at friendship. Perhaps she will say yes. Perhaps she will come to understand how such a simple girl can catch her attention and hold the heart of the one man she cannot charm.

*o*o*

It would probably surprise people if Saguru said he knew his flaws. Yes, he is smart. He can connect facts, dredge up information he’s seen or read or heard like pulling files from a folder. He can profile a person and their habits based around micro-expressions within twenty minutes of interacting with them. He can be charming and have impeccable manners thanks to social niceties being drilling into him since he could talk. He’s confident because experience has proven he is frequently correct in his logic and assumptions, and he knows that his familial reputation as well as his own eases the way with situations that could trip up other people. But for every talent he has he knows he has flaws. His confidence makes him brash and come across as arrogant. He’s so used to reading people that he forgets sometimes that they aren’t just puzzles to be solved. He gets so caught up in the details of casework and can solve them, but understanding how people work never really quite connected with being able to pick apart their behaviors. It’s one thing to know someone is a murderer because of how they avoid touching objects in a room and can’t hide clenching their hands every time the victim’s indiscretion is mentioned. It’s another thing to understand that someone murdered their brother because he’d been dragging the family name in the mud for years and seducing the murderer’s wife had been the last straw.

Saguru knows from the moment he speaks with Nakamori Aoko in front of Kuroba Kaito that Aoko is Kaito’s weak point. He can see how giving her attention makes Kaito annoyed and can extrapolate from the way Kaito makes pointed comments if Saguru does anything that resembles flirtation that Kaito is attracted to Aoko and trying to pretend he isn’t. He can’t say why Kaito doesn’t speak of it, and he can’t say what Kaito thinks of Aoko in the first place since she usually seems to be trying to attack him with something, but he doesn’t have to.

Aoko is Kaito’s weakness and Saguru, so very sure that Kaito is Kid, exploits it.

He gives her flirtatious bows and leading invitations to spend time with him. He compliments her appearance and gives her smiles that he does not give to their other classmates. And Aoko blushes and responds just as Saguru hopes she would, flustered and a little pleased by the attention. If Kaito wasn’t so caught up in glaring, he’d notice that Aoko always gave him little fleeting looks to try and gauge if Kaito was going to interfere. Like perhaps she wanted him to interfere. Or perhaps she just wanted some sign that Kaito was interested in her since he rarely said anything that could be construed as interested in her when they were in class at least. Saguru has no idea about how they interacted outside of class. Although if it was anything like how they interacted in school he pitied bystanders that had to deal with them.

The flirting gets him Kaito’s attention, but it doesn’t make him slip up. It gets him Aoko’s attention too, which he really should have expected. She never tells him to stop flirting, but she does seem intent to brush it aside once her flustered blustering is out of the way, treating him like he’s a friend.

For Saguru, who has never been good at building friendships, it’s a bit of a novel experience.

He’s invited to eat lunch with her and Kaito and her friend Keiko. He’s invited to group outings even though he generally declines the offers. Aoko asks about his day, shares opinions about what she read in the news, and pulls him into more than one commiseration against Kid that ends with Kaito pranking the whole class just to get them off the topic.

Saguru chases Kid and tries to reveal Kaito—because truly there is only one person Kid can be with so many clues pointing his direction—and has an argument with Aoko over it that leaves him shaken and hurt even though he won’t show it. He knows he’s right. He also knows that Aoko’s probably blinding herself to it. Having someone angry at him for something he deduced isn’t anything new, but having a friend angry at him over something is.

He’s not sure what to do.

He’s not sure what he wants to do because he never intended to let anyone in his class close enough to hurt him in the first place. Saguru isn’t even supposed to be here very long.

Saguru looks at Aoko giving him the cold shoulder and hurts. And Kaito, Kaito who is smug that Saguru’s out of favor, hurts too because he doesn’t even seem to realize that he has something precious in Aoko. He has her loyalty and belief even over facts. That’s something Saguru’s never had, something that can’t be quantified or easily analyzed and slotted into grid-marked boxes.

Kaito is lucky and Aoko deserves better than someone constantly lying to her face.

He doesn’t kid himself into thinking she’d even consider Saguru though.

*o*o*

Aoko knows she has a short temper. She gets angry at Kaito, angry at Kid, angry at her dad for working too much, angry at Saguru for making accusations, angry at Kid fans for glorifying a criminal. She likes to think that that’s not the only thing people notice about her though. Oh, she knows she’s not the prettiest girl in class, or the smartest, or all that feminine at all a lot of the time. Akako is the most beautiful, Keiko is higher ranked than her in half her subjects, and traditional femininity is overrated anyway. Why be docile and quiet and submissive? She’d rather be loud and say what she meant and put people in their place when they crossed a line.

But sometimes she wishes her first instinct wasn’t to yell and fight. Sometimes she wonders if she wasn’t so combative that Kaito might go back to how they were as kids, open and intimate without an unspoken wall between them. He’d tell her whatever it was he kept holding back and hiding under wide smiles and wilder pranks. Maybe instead of blowing up at Saguru, she would have the right words to talk him around to her point of view.

She is combative though, so the wall remains and arguments fester and she’s just so frustrated. By herself. By the men in her life. By Kid who seems to have heralded a downward trend in all her closest relationships. The only good thing lately has been Akako and even there Aoko’s frequently not sure what to make of her.

Koizumi Akako is the prettiest girl Aoko has ever met. She’s confident and charismatic and, yes she has a habit of luring in boys to get them to do what she wants, but honestly that’s just one more impressive thing about her. She can look at a guy and make him want to be ordered around. Aoko wishes she could give off that sort of charisma. Maybe Kaito would listen for once. And for all that Akako is queen of their little classroom kingdom—school kingdom? How many other classes know about her?—she’s only been nice to Aoko.

Aoko doesn’t get it really. It’s not like Aoko could offer Akako anything she couldn’t get elsewhere. It’s nice though.

Sometimes when Kaito is bickering with Hakuba and Keiko is visiting other friends, Aoko takes her lunch and eats with Akako. Akako always has something someone brought in for her to eat. Aoko’s never quite dared to ask if it’s been the same person twice.

Akako smiles sometimes when Aoko talks—mostly rambling anecdotes involving Kaito—and Aoko… sometimes Aoko feels something flutter in her when she does that. Akako doesn’t smile very often at other girls. She doesn’t really talk to her female classmates besides Aoko much at all.

It’s a lot like how Saguru’s flirting flusters her (Aoko doubts he means it. He always looks at Kaito when he thinks she’s distracted, almost like she’s a roundabout way of flirting with him.) It’s a lot like how she feels when Kaito conjures up a red rose, just like the one he gave her as a child. It’s all a mess of warm feelings and embarrassment at being singled out and hidden glee because it is her getting that attention, no one else.

Aoko has a lot of complicated feelings sometimes.

They’re mostly about Kaito. Sometimes they aren’t.

When Saguru and Kaito argue, they always get in each other’s faces in a way that they probably have no idea they’re doing. Today, though, they’re eating quietly, not looking at each other at all. They’re also not looking at her and Aoko wonders which of them will break first, her or Saguru. Their pride won’t let them apologize and she can’t quite let go of her irritation enough to do so either. Kaito’s not even smug about her choosing his side anymore. That’s Aoko’s fault too, losing her temper over his fanboying.

If Aoko was a little more someone else and a little less herself, maybe these messes wouldn’t keep happening so much.

*o*o*

“How are you always so confident?” Aoko asks in a moment of rare privacy.

Akako leans against the windowsill, watching sports teams drill down below on practice fields. Their work cleaning the classroom has been finished for a while, but she wanted to linger here. “You have to believe you’re above everyone,” Akako says. “If everyone is lesser, nothing they say or think can bring you down.”

“Oh.” Aoko grips her mop. “That sounds lonely.”

“If you truly believe it, you don’t feel lonely at all.” Akako looks at Aoko. Aoko’s hair is flyaway and messy from chasing Kaito earlier in class and there is a frown etching itself between her eyebrows. Akako reaches out and smooths the wrinkle between Aoko’s eyebrows away with her thumb. “That doesn’t mean friends are an impossibility though.”

Aoko doesn’t dodge her touch. “Is it friendship if you’re not equals?”

This girl. Akako wonders if she could possess her, snare her the way she does so many men’s hearts. But then if she did that, Aoko wouldn’t be Aoko anymore and there is something fascinating about Aoko’s simplicity. Akako grants her a smile. “I think,” she says, “that’s something you don’t have to worry about.” Aoko is practically Akako’s opposite, but she holds power over the one man Akako cannot. In a way it makes her closer to an equal than Aoko will ever know. “Trust yourself a bit more,” she says, pulling her hand away. “Confidence starts with loving yourself.”

*o*o*

“I apologize,” Saguru says stiffly. It grates against his pride, but when it comes down to it, he would rather not lose one of the few friendships he has. “I cannot change how I feel about the matter concerning Kid, but it was insensitive of me to bring the topic up so often in front of you. Kuroba is your friend and I admire your loyalty to him.” Even if it is misplaced.

Aoko watches him, wary as she had been from the moment he asked her to go to a café with him after school. Somewhere nearby, Kaito undoubtedly is spying on them. That knowledge makes it harder to do this than if he was sure they were alone.

“Kaito is my friend,” Aoko says. “I know why you think he’s Kid, but he’s Kaito.” She shrugs, a little helpless at putting words to everything Kaito encompasses to her. “And what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t defend him?”

Saguru realizes with a jolt of understanding that she’s already done something similar for Saguru’s sake. When Kaito’s comments get biting, she reigns him in just like when Saguru crosses a line from harmless bickering into pointed accusations, she calls him out for it too. “I see.”

Aoko smiles and it’s such a relief after being on her bad side for so long. It’s like the sun coming out. “I accept your apology, Hakuba-kun. You don’t have to apologize to Kaito. He’s already gotten back at you with enough pranks to make up for it. If anything he should probably be apologizing by this point.”

A server twitches a few tables away. Kaito is terrible at being subtle when Aoko is involved. “Not necessary,” Saguru says. “I’m hardly being passive toward the pranks.” He and Kaito bickered more than ever lately. It is almost funny since the only other person Kaito deigns to argue with is Aoko.

Aoko laughs. “I should help you prank him back sometime. It’s good to keep him on his toes.”

Saguru smiles, something warm and satisfied curling in his stomach. It was the right choice bending his pride.

He picks up the bill at the end of their talk. Aoko’s flustered blush is worth having his toes stomped on by the passing ‘server’.

*o*o*

“If you could ask one question and I’d answer it truthfully, what’d it be?” Kaito asks, lounging on the Nakamori’s couch. He’s juggling school supplies, pens and pencils and erasers that they had been using to do homework. He doesn’t look at Aoko because looking would make it seem like a serious question instead of casual. Can’t let her know he’s serious.

“Truthfully or straightforward?” Aoko shoots back. “Because those are different things.”

“Oof, it’s like you don’t trust me,” Kaito says, tossing the eraser her way.

Aoko smacks it out of the air back at him, and Kaito grabs it back into his juggling like he never threw it. “I know you hate giving a straight answer. You can say something true without really answering a question at all.”

“Hmm.” She did know him. Kaito supposes he’s been even worse than he was growing up these days too about avoiding things. “Fine. A non-evasive, truthful answer for a straightforward question. What would you ask?”

Aoko is quiet, too quiet, so he glances her way. She’s looking at him hard, like she’s trying to pick apart his thought processes, gauge how much sincerity is present in the question.

Kaito gives her a grin. “I mean, you could always ask if I like you,” he says with a wink.

Aoko huffs. “As if I want you to answer that!” He waits, expecting the next words out of her mouth to be ‘Are you Kaitou Kid?’ And waits. He stops juggling.

“It wasn’t supposed to be that deep,” he says as Aoko keeps frowning at him.

“Shush,” she says. Then, “If I ask something would you really answer?”

“Is that your question?”

Aoko’s glare could draw blood. Ow.

“I guess. Like Truth or Dare, only without the Dare or any fun consequences.”

“Are you okay, Kaito?” she asks, so serious that it makes his heart stutter. That’s her question.

“Hmm, that’s an interesting question to toss at a hypothetical,” he deflects.

“Kaito. You just said you’d answer.”

“In hypothetical.” He can’t do much against that scowl though, or the flash of disappointment on her face. He’s disappointed her a lot lately. It’s guilt that pushes him to be honest for once. It used to be easy to be honest to her once upon a time, but he’s barely honest to himself anymore let alone other people. “I’m not really sure how I’m doing,” he says. “Sometimes I feel like I’m doing okay, and other times I wonder what I’m doing with myself.”

“…For the future?”

“The future, the present…” Kaito shrugs. He’s barely said anything and he feels terribly exposed and vulnerable. It’s not a good feeling. He wants to wrap himself back up in one of his many personas and pretend he never asked that hypothetical. But Aoko’s still listening, expecting more from him. Somehow he knows that if he disappoints her here, he’s going to lose another strand of their fraying friendship. “I want to make my dad proud, to honor his memory, but I don’t know if I can do that. And I don’t know if I’m going about it the right way.”

Aoko, of course, doesn’t fill in the vague gaps with Kid, but with Kaito’s magician skills. “You’re good. You’re probably a better magician than most people twice your age, Kaito. Of course he’d be proud.”

Would he? Would he be proud to see Kaito wearing Kid’s persona and baiting the men who killed him? He’d left everything for Kaito to find. He’d left it so he could pick it up where his father left off, but… Kaito forces a laugh, practice making it sound genuine. “Yeah… You’re right. I’d probably be able to show him a trick or two these days.”

Aoko smiles back, but it’s pained. “Kaito… You don’t have to smile if you don’t feel like it.”

Kaito’s smile fades, still lingering at the corner of his mouth; it’s easier to smile than it is to frown, the expression practically engrained. “I know,” he says, giving her one last bit of honesty before he has to lie again. “But it’s what I do. I smile and make jokes and try to make other people smile because that makes me want to smile. You know?”

“Yeah,” Aoko says with a sigh. “I know.” She bites her lip, hesitating to say something. “Kaito? What would you ask me?”

“Hmm.” Kaito let his hands start juggling again. “How about… what underwear are you wearing today?”

“Kaito!”

He dodges a book, laughing. Aoko throws another and he adds it to his juggling routine for a moment before he has to roll off the couch entirely.

“You’re awful,” Aoko complains, throwing whatever won’t break at him, though she doesn’t get up to grab a broom.

Kaito laughs and Aoko doesn’t ask him again.

Kaito’s not sure he wants to know the answer to “What couldn’t you forgive?”

*o*o*

“Aoko. Earth to Aoko? You awake or are you sleeping with your eyes open?”

Aoko twitches as Keiko’s hand waves in front of her face. “I’m awake! I’m just…” She glances back across the room. Saguru is sitting reading a book, his lunch long finished. By some odd whim of fate, Akako’s sitting near him today, her usual gaggle of eager-to-please boys sent away so she could enjoy her meal in private today. Normally Aoko would be distracted with Kaito at lunch, but he’s off doing some errand, probably planning on skipping the second half of school. She should be annoyed by that. Instead Aoko can’t stop looking at her friends.

“…Something you want to tell me about?” Keiko asks with an eyebrow raised. “Kuroba-kun finally have some competition?” She grins, inviting Aoko to laugh like it’s a joke and…

And Aoko’s not sure it is a joke really. “It’s not like that,” she says. It can’t be because she likes Kaito, right? She’s liked him for years and years and she would never in a million years admit she’s thought of having a wedding and maybe—maybe—eventually having a kid with Kaito’s blue eyes and messy hair and mischievous smile, but she knows she’s in love with him. So there’s no reason for her eyes to stray to Saguru. He flirts, yes, but he probably doesn’t mean it. He’s just trying to mess with Kaito. There’s even less reason for her to look at Akako. Admiration is one thing. Aoko admires plenty of women. But when she looks at Akako lately, it’s not just respect and friendship. Aoko doesn’t know what to do with any of that. “It’s… it’s not.”

Keiko blinks. She follows Aoko’s eyes, looking at Saguru mostly because why would she think it would be both of them? “Huh.”

“I like Kaito,” Aoko says, but it’s not as resolute as she’d like.

“Well,” Keiko says slowly, “if Kaito never gets his head on straight, you probably have a pretty good chance with Hakuba-kun. He’s already asked you out once.”

“That was because he wanted to make Kaito mad.”

Keiko tilts her head, considering it, then shrugs. “But you know, you’re the only girl in class he talks to really. So if it was anyone here, it’d be you.”

Akako notices Aoko looking her direction and smiles. Aoko hopes she isn’t blushing, but she probably is. Saguru is still fully engrossed in his novel. He probably wouldn’t notice anything short of a murder or an alarm going off.

Keiko reconsiders where Aoko’s looking. “…Or Akako-chan might be into you too? I mean, she doesn’t do anything with the boys other than jerk them around to do her bidding. She actually smiles at you.”

Aoko buries her burning face in her hands. “I like Kaito.”

“And I like pretty celebrity boy bands,” Keiko says. “It’s not weird to be into more than one person.”

“I never have been.” Aoko peeks out between her fingers. Akako is smiling like she knows exactly what Aoko is thinking and that’s embarrassing as hell. “Is it wrong to like that they actually want to talk to me?”

“Aoko, if Kaito’s not wanting to talk to you, he really doesn’t deserve you even if you are cute together.”

“He does want to talk to me,” Aoko argues. “It’s just we’ve known each other so long he just… expects me to always be around or something. And he’s been busy with something a lot lately and he never tells me what.”

“And they’re not doing that, right?”

“No. But I don’t know them that well yet. And I don’t know if I even want to be interested let alone if they are back.”

Keiko gives Aoko a reassuring pat on the arm. “It’s ok. We’re teenagers. It’s not like we have to have everything figured out yet. If you want to try dating someone who isn’t Kaito, it’s not like he has any say in it.”

That was a good point. But Aoko knows she’s not the sort to be able to casually date. She should be glad she has so many attractive friends and just get on with life. Or just screw up the courage to ask Kaito out so she doesn’t have to tie herself in knots. If she’s dating, she can let go of the other feelings, right?

But wouldn’t that mean she could let go of Kaito if she was dating someone else?

Aoko shakes her head. Emotions sucked. When she looks at the others again, Akako has a notebook out and Saguru has reached the last few pages of his novel and has a look of hyper-focus that is weirdly cute. Aoko doesn’t know what her heart is doing.

“You’ll figure it out,” Keiko says.

Aoko really hopes she’s right.

*o*o*

Kaito is so used to threats being aimed his way, he forgot to worry about people he loved getting caught in the crossfire. Nakamori could take care of himself. Hakuba has police power backing him as the commissioner’s son, Jii has his magician skills, and Kaito’s mother is in another country ninety percent of the time. Aoko? Kaito wouldn’t say Aoko is a pushover—her quick hand and a hard hitting mop skills are terrifying—but she isn’t used to danger like the rest of them are.

So when a man baiting Kid grabs her as a hostage from a crowd, taking her away with a challenge for her safety… Kaito is embarrassed to admit that he freezes up in panic. It’s Aoko and her safety is and will always be more important to him than his own. But because he froze, it gives the guy just enough time to get away.

“Stupid,” Kaito berates himself. He’s climbing stairs, following the clue left to him, one of several. What was the point of his Poker Face if he fails to use it when he needs it?

The top of the stairs are empty. Another false lead, the new clue tucked innocently in a potted plant of a rooftop garden. He skims it, mind whirling to the next place. He only hopes that Aoko is actually at the end of this chase, still whole and healthy. He crumples the paper. The map is forming in his mind, lines of paths crossing and doubling back. He dashes toward the stairs only to freeze as he finds Saguru coming up them.

“You have the next clue?” Saguru asks, out of breath and deathly serious.

Kaito stares. “Excuse me?”

“The person who took Nakamori-chan. His clue,” Saguru says. “You aren’t being subtle right now, Kid. A child could follow you.”

A child like Edogawa maybe, Kaito thinks, but that doesn’t explain why Saguru is here.

“What?” Saguru snaps. “You don’t think you’re the only one who cares about her, do you? Nakamori-keibu is frantic. I’ve been trying to catch up since the first clue.”

“I’m not Kuro—”

“I’m not here to catch you today!” Saguru says, exasperated. “Give me the clue.”

Kaito points over his shoulder and vaults over the edge of the stairs to the next flight below. Saguru swears above him, but there’s no time. He has to reach the end of the puzzle. He has to get to Aoko before she’s hurt or killed or anything else terrible.

He runs into Akako on the ground floor landing, almost running headlong into her.

“Akako—”

“Shush. You’re playing into this man’s game and panicking. You need to get a step ahead.”

“I’m trying but he didn’t leave any traces!”

Akako raises an eyebrow and holds up a phone charm that is usually dangling cheerfully from Aoko’s cell phone. “Who do you think you’re talking to?”

Kaito blinks. Stops. “You’re helping?” Akako. Akako who wants to control him is helping him find the woman he loves. “What’s the catch?”

Akako tosses her hair. “Excuse me, but there doesn’t need to be a catch, Kuroba. I don’t want Aoko-chan hurt either.”

“Since when are you friends?”

“Do you pay any attention to her life?” Akako asks derisively.

Kaito bristles, because it hits a little too close to home with how busy his life has become since Kid. There isn’t the same time to keep up with Aoko’s life. It’s safer to keep a bit of distance too. Or so he thought. Maybe he’s wrong if she’s started trying to actually befriend people like Akako.

Saguru’s heavy footsteps clatter down the stairs above them and he appears around the bend in the stairs and freezes. “Koizumi-san?” he wheezes. He needs to work on his stamina, Kaito notes offhandedly.

Akako presses Aoko’s charm into Kaito’s hand. “That will get you where you need to go, no games necessary.” She turns and smiles at Saguru and Saguru freezes like a squirrel faced with a hungry-looking cat. “Wonderful timing, Hakuba-kun. You can mobilize the police while Kid goes and saves Aoko-chan.”

“What?” Saguru’s eyes flick to Kaito, but Kaito takes that as a cue to move toward the door. “What are you even doing here?”

“Shh,” Akako says. “It’s fine. He has his role and you have yours. You’re going to make sure this kidnapper gets what’s coming to him.”

Kaito doesn’t hear anything after that. The charm in his hand twitches in the direction he needs to go, like there’s a thread tugging it gently. Help from Akako and Saguru isn’t what he expected, but he is hardly going to pretend he doesn’t want it.

It’s practically a straight path compared to before, the charm tugging lightly where he needs to be. Kaito has never moved faster, never felt his mind so focused. If anything happened to Aoko… He wouldn’t forgive himself. It’s Kid this person is after and—knowingly or not—they took the person that matters most.

The charm leads to an old apartment building, one recently closed and slated for demolition in several weeks. Definitely not the sort of place anyone would look for ongoing shady activity. Maybe a homeless person trying to break in, but not the sort of area that’s high crime. Kaito climbs the roof of the building across the street, eyes glued on dirty glass and several boarded up windows. There’s no light inside, nothing to give someone away. If there is any light in there, it’s behind the boarded up windows. The locks, from what he can see from a distance, are cheap; old and simple. Easy to pick. There’s no way to tell how many people might be there with her. No way to know if it’s not all just rigged to blow up if he opens the right door.

Kaito slips back to the ground and crosses closer. The charm pulls firmer now like the proximity gives it strength. He slides cat-footed along abandoned doors, waiting for an indication that it’s the right one.

It’s the very last in the row, and it has cameras hidden close by. Kaito almost walks into sight before spotting the dim glint off its lens. Cameras probably meant someone waiting inside who needed warning for security.

Kaito bites his lip. There are a lot of apartments in the block, but this one is the highest and on a corner… More defensible. But he should be able to… In moments, Kaito picks the lock of the adjacent apartment. Inside it is dim and the air is stale. There’s a mold stain growing on the ceiling. Kaito moves silently to the bathroom. Bathrooms have vents, and vents went places. The vents in the building would be connected just for efficiency’s sake, and he has a pocket full of sleeping gas bombs.

The vent panel comes off easily and it is too simple to fish a line through to the adjacent vent next door. It’s imprecise doing this. The gas will leak into the next room, yes, but he can’t guarantee how much and he has to be careful not to send through too high a dose. As soon as Kaito sets it off, he blocks off the vent on this side and waits, counting seconds.

There is no sound from the other room.

He waits a bit longer.

There’s still no sound, but he’s not waiting any longer. Kaito ghosts back out of the apartment and circles the cameras. It’s child’s play by now to disable them. He doesn’t have his tech on hand to loop, but it’s fine. It’s fine because the person watching is hopefully out cold. He tries not to think of Aoko, scared and hostage, feeling panic as unconsciousness claimed her too.

The door is locked and barred, but he’s hardly going to be kept out by a few bits of metal. A few minutes later, he enters the room, respirator over his face to keep from breathing gas.

The setup is like something out of a crime drama, a conspiracy board full of notes and photos, half of which are Kid, and a mess of papers and trash scattered along the floor. A laptop is set up to the side in the main room. It had been playing the camera feed, now blank with the cameras disabled. The kidnapper is a jumble of weedy limbs, thin arms and legs akimbo as he’d probably passed out standing up. By some stroke of fortune, he was close to the bathroom when the gas was released.

The charm in Kaito’s hand almost tugs itself free when he spots Aoko. She’s in the boarded up kitchen, dust and grimy bits of tile counter on the floor around her, Aoko herself slumped in the space that—from the stains on the wall—once held the refrigerator. Her hands are tied behind her back and there is a bruise forming on her face, but when Kaito checks her pulse, it’s a steady, healthy rhythm.

Kaito breathes a shaky sigh of relief. She’s okay. She’s still alive and whole. Probably traumatized, but okay.

He pulls out his burner phone. “Tantei-san,” he says when Saguru picks up. “I have her.” Kaito rattles off the address.

“The kidnapper?” Saguru asks, wasting no time on details.

“Unconscious.” Kaito unties Aoko and carries the ropes over to truss up the man. He’s not gentle about it. “I’m tying him up now.” The man won’t be losing any limbs, but if he has a bit of pain later… Kaito pushes that dark thought down and away.

“Good,” Saguru says, his cold tone and echo of Kaito’s thoughts.

Kaito looks at the conspiracy board and sighs. “I think he’s something of a Kid fan. Or maybe not a fan exactly but…”

“Obsessed with?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a good thing the nearest division of police force happens to be well versed in Kid related incidents,” Saguru says, almost a grim joke.

Kaito snorts before he can stop himself. This is a mess. “I won’t stay to get arrested, but I won’t leave her to wake alone either.”

“Of course. The police will be there within fifteen minutes.”

Kaito hangs up without saying goodbye. He’s done his part, now it’s Saguru’s job to do the rest.

The charm Akako gave him is inert now, its purpose fulfilled as soon as he touched Aoko. He tucks it into one of Aoko’s pockets. Her sleeping face is slack, showing none of the stress and anger she’s going to feel once she’s awake. He brushes his thumb over the bruise, light as picking a pocket. Guilt and regret burn in him. This shouldn’t have happened. He knows it was outside of his control, but it shouldn’t have happened, and certainly not to Aoko.

It’s barely a minute later that she stirs. The gas must not have traveled very well after all, just filling everything enough to knock the apartment occupants out. Her eyes flutter. He waits, watching awareness return. Confusion. The stiffness as she realizes where she is. A moment of raw fear, then anger so fast it must be like a mental whiplash. Or not, since anger is the default response to anything unpleasant for the Nakamori blood line. Her eyes pin on him and she tries to move, anger clear on her face.

“Shh.” Kaito catches her before she can fall on her face. “The police are on their way. He won’t hurt you again.”

“Kid,” Aoko slurs. “You…”

“Can’t ignore someone being abducted from one of my shows can I?” he asks with a showy wink. Poker face is in place, the wide-smiling mask. “That’s just rude.”

“Why did you have to be the one…” she mumbles.

“I’m better at getting places,” he says gently. “Don’t worry. A white knight is on the way to save you, princess.”

Aoko glares groggily at him. She looks like she did as a child when he slept over and they stayed up too late and Kaito woke them too early the next morning. Tired and ruffled and annoyed.

“It’s going to be fine,” Kaito says, making himself look away before he does something that reveals his identity.

“Where’s the guy…?”

“Tied up and gagged in a corner,” Kaito says. He can hear sirens now. “You don’t have to be scared.”

Aoko scowls. “I wasn’t that scared. I was mostly just angry. And it’s your fault anyway.”

Kaito’s grin falters. “Yeah. My apologies. I’ll have to pay more attention to crazies I might bring out of the woodwork.” The sirens are very close. Kaito stands and Aoko tracks him, looking a little nervous of him in a way that honestly hurts him inside. “It’s going to be fine,” he repeats. “I’m going to the roof. No one will come or go unless it’s the police. I won’t let them.”

“I don’t get you,” Aoko admits. “I don’t get you at all.”

An honest, wry smile touches Kaito’s lips. “That’s kind of the point. What kind of phantom thief would I be if someone understood me?”

Her eyes burn on his back as Kaito leaves here there, untied and wobbly-limbed as she tries to move with the lingering after effects of the gas. When Saguru finally leads the charge up the stairs, Kaito fades away into the night. Saguru will ensure justice will be served. Kaito can’t be there for Aoko dressed like this anyway.

*o*o*

“Thank you,” Kaito says much later, perched in Akako’s window. It went against his better judgment to be here, but he had to say something. Maybe with positive reinforcement she’d be a bit less creepy about things going forward.

Akako gives him her familiar smirk. “Please, Kuroba, I helped for Nakamori-chan’s sake, not yours.”

“And I suppose me owing you a debt is secondary.”

“Do you feel you owe me something?” she says, head tilted and eyes calculated. “I could always ask for a date.”

“And I’d politely decline like always,” Kaito says.

“Politely,” she echoes with a snort.

“I didn’t know you considered Aoko a friend,” Kaito says after a moment.

Akako shrugs. “She considers me one. For the moment, I find it interesting to have another woman to talk to who isn’t angry that I’ve stolen her man.” She smirks. “For the moment.”

“Very funny.” Kaito sighs. “Look. I appreciate you helping Aoko. Provided you don’t need anything illegal or mind bendy in the future, you have one favor from me.”

“Only one? You never did repay me for my help at your heist.” She flutters eyelashes at him all fake demure.

Kaito is deeply unimpressed. “Yeah, you’re not getting more than the one. I could have figured something out back then. Today I didn’t have the ability to get to Aoko quickly on my own. So yeah, I only owe you one.”

Akako laughs. “I’ll take that then. But you will sway to me eventually.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Are you going to thank Hakuba-kun too?”

Kaito grimaces. “Yeah, no. He got to be the hero after all. That’s reward enough.”

“So you’re never going to tell her then?” Akako asks, a surprisingly non-judgmental expression on her face, merely curiosity like his answer doesn’t matter one way or another.

“She hates Kid,” Kaito says. “It’s probably safer this way anyway.”

“Hmm.” Akako shrugs and waves a hand. “Goodnight, Kaito,” she says in clear dismissal.

Kaito rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. See ya.” He drops from her windowsill, more than ready to leave.

*o*o*

Akako watches, with some bemusement, as Saguru makes Aoko blush with a simple bow and an enquiry about her health the day after her kidnapping scare. It’s nothing he hasn’t done before. It’s nothing Aoko hasn’t blushed over before either, but there’s something more to it this time, either in Saguru’s actions, or Aoko’s response. Surprisingly, Kaito isn’t interfering or even glaring Saguru down. He looks regretful if anything, probably because it happened in the first place.

“I’m fine,” Aoko says. “I’m just annoyed I didn’t get to punch the guy in the face.” She wrinkles her nose. “And that Kid was the one to find me.”

“Yes, well…” Saguru coughs. “He does seem to hold the welfare of bystanders seriously. I suppose it is one of his few good points.”

“There wouldn’t be bystanders if he wasn’t out there in the first place,” Aoko says, but she shrugs. “Anyway, thanks again for coming to get me.”

Saguru was the one who ultimately rescued her, Akako knows. Who she saw when her whole consciousness returned. Akako watched from afar. It must be killing Kaito to have left her to Saguru. Kaito is pretending not to listen, but he can’t hide how he’s not doing anything active or the way his head is tilted to hear them talk. He’s such a fool sometimes, Akako doesn’t know why she wants him.

“Of course,” Saguru says, with another little bow that has Aoko’s face turning pinker. “I wouldn’t leave you in danger. I’m glad you are alright, Nakamori-chan.” He gives her a nod and smile and leaves her be, a briefer encounter than usual, but less flirting and still Aoko’s blushing.

Akako can’t help but poke at that. “It wouldn’t hurt to choose him,” she says. “He’s at least a gentleman.”

“It’s not like that, Akako-chan,” Aoko says with a sigh, face still pink. She glances back at Saguru as he slides into his seat, and a quick darting look at Kaito staring off at nothing, shoulders still a bit too tense to be daydreaming.

“Well,” Akako drawls, “he doesn’t flip your skirt, he asks about your wellbeing, and he treats you kindly.”

“You know that shoving me at Hakuba-kun isn’t going to change things with Kaito, right?” Aoko says, blunt and almost cruel with how direct her words hit. She doesn’t look like she means it to hurt, but Akako’s breath catches for a moment, not expecting this at all. “Hakuba-kun doesn’t mean any of it for real, and even if Kaito is Kaito…” She can’t make herself say the words out loud, her face flushing deeper. “No one can make Kaito do what he doesn’t want to anyway.”

Akako lets out a slow breath, letting go of her shock. “I am aware. For once,” she says, a bit of hurt curling in her, “this isn’t me trying to attract Kuroba’s attention. I’m merely pointing out that between the two of them, Hakuba-kun treats you better.”

Aoko looks down at her hands where her fingers twist together. “I know.” Aoko bites her lip. “Even if I like Hakuba-kun…”

“Kuroba is Kuroba,” Akako finishes, resigned. She didn’t really expect anything different. “Well,” Akako says, letting her usual smirk cross her face. It’s a familiar expression, and this must be for her what Kuroba’s smile is to him; a defense and a place to hide behind to get back to equilibrium. “If you ever decide they’re too much trouble, you could always fall for me,” she says. It’s a thought she’s entertained lately, more often than she likes. She’s not supposed to actually be interested in people, they’re just supposed to want her. Blast Kaito and Aoko both.

Aoko’s eyes go wide and if her cheeks get any redder, she might combust. “That’s—you—don’t joke, please!” she sputters.

Akako gives her a wink and a chuckle and Aoko hides her face in her hands.

*o*o*

Aoko isn’t sure what to feel, where to look. She isn’t even sure how they all got here, sitting together in a park and not fighting. For the moment, Kaito is showing Saguru how to pick a lock—because a magician needed to know and Saguru had run into a case where it would have helped to know it recently. Saguru isn’t even making any comments about how it’s a thief’s skill. Akako has a book, laying out in the grass with her feet in Aoko’s lap. She looks her age for once, not tempting anyone. Aoko could reach out and— Aoko squashes that thought.

Akako suggested a walk. Aoko suggested a picnic. Kaito had complained and yet invited Saguru along and it is all better than Aoko could have imagined, seeing everyone getting along. They don’t like each other even if she’s friends with them all. But they’re here because an outing sounded fun, and Aoko brought rice balls and Saguru brought sandwiches his housekeeper made, and Akako got some kind of delicate pastry from someplace Aoko probably wouldn’t set foot in because the price tag on a single item would be her week’s worth of grocery money. Kaito, of course, brought nothing, but he was at least considerate enough to go buy drinks from a vending machine.

He’d juggled the bottles. He’d looked her in the eye and smiled and didn’t flip her skirt for once. Aoko’s starting to wonder if this whole thing is a dream, or if there was something in the food they ate. Akako’s pastries were too delicious to be normal.

Akako’s toes prod her knee. “Relax,” Akako says. “It’s okay to enjoy the moment.”

“I feel like I’m going to blink and it’ll end badly,” Aoko admits softly. She can see the edge of a smile past Akako’s book. The book isn’t in Japanese. It might not even be in English since it’s not any words Aoko recognizes on the cover.

“Hakuba-kun and Kuroba-kun are a bit too similar at times,” Akako says. “And exact opposites in others. It’s about time they had a moment where they could talk on the same level.”

“Kaito should just ask him about science,” Aoko says, because she’s heard from Saguru about lab work he’s done in his grandfather’s lab, and from Kaito about trying to get the chemical makeup of a new smoke bomb, adhesive, something just right. Maybe she needs to just setup the topic sometime and let them talk until they were friends.

“Kuroba-kun would think it was a lead in to entrapment.”

“Well then Kaito needs to bring up something to him.”

“Hm. Not likely.” Akako’s grin grows to show teeth. Aoko pinches one of her toes between her fingers in retaliation and Akako twitches, giggling. Oh, she’s ticklish. It’s a tiny thing, but it makes Akako feel so much more reachable all of a sudden. If Aoko was a bit more like Kaito, she’d probably take advantage of that. Instead, she grins back, leaving her hand on Akako’s foot.

“It’s about tension,” Kaito corrects. “You try to use force and you’re just going to snap the tool off in the lock. Delicately.”

“I don’t think this sort of lock would have been useful for the situation I found myself in anyway,” Saguru says with a sigh of frustration.

“You do lab work. Pretend it’s a chemical you’re trying to measure carefully. Also, all experience is experience. How can you get a skill if you don’t practice?”

“How do you practice?”

“I’m past that level. In general, I’m practicing constantly.” As if to prove a point, Kaito starts shuffling cards. “Or are you not constantly practicing observation?”

Aoko snorts. It’s so them, just that edge of competitiveness and irritation even as they’re getting along…

Aoko wants there to be more of this.

*o*o*

It’s like some sort of barrier was removed, Aoko thinks, because it’s like Akako and Saguru are suddenly around all the time. As much as Kaito at least, if not more. Aoko’s not sure what to do with it, and from Keiko’s bemused expression when Akako actually decides to join their little lunch group on several occasions, she doesn’t either.

“Am I imagining things?” Aoko asks Keiko, sitting in Keiko’s room with Keiko’s cat purring away soothingly in her arms.

“No, they’re definitely spending more time around you,” Keiko says. Their homework is abandoned on the floor, half-written English sentences impossible to focus on today. “Hakuba-kun is definitely into you though.”

“You think?” He has actually been flirting less lately. Yet another thing Aoko doesn’t know what to do with. “I thought he was just moving more firmly toward being friends.”

“He brings extra sweets for you when his housekeeper bakes.”

“He shares with all of us.”

“And he always gives you more,” Keiko says, undeterred. “He watches you when he’s not watching Kaito-kun. And he does still flirt, he just knows you better now and actually has things to talk about.”

“Okay, putting aside Hakuba-kun. Akako-chan??” Aoko scratches under the cat’s chin and claws prick her thighs as the cat kneads happily.

“Friendship?” Keiko says, not sounding very sure. “She might be using you to get to Kaito-kun.”

“She gives me more attention than him these days.”

“Maybe she’s into you too?” Keiko says, almost like it’s a joke. Almost.

Aoko hugs the cat tight, so glad that it’s the agreeable cuddly sort because instead of wiggling free, it just keeps purring. “Keiko,” Aoko whines. “Stop.”

“You said she watches you. Also, has she ever dated any of the guys she surrounds herself with?”

“Does she have to date any of them when she clearly likes them liking her?” Aoko asks.

“She likes attention. That’s not the same as liking guys.”

“Maybe she likes both?”

They both sit a moment contemplating this. “I still say she doesn’t treat you like she does most people,” Keiko says after a moment.

“I think we’re friends?” Aoko says. “Probably?” Is anyone truly friends with Akako or did her sheer personality just exert itself on whoever she deigned to give attention to?

“Okay,” Keiko says. Then, “If you could date any of them, who would you choose?”

“Keiko. No.”

*o*o*

In retrospect, Saguru thinks, the kiss was poorly timed. In the moment, however, his own nerves had thrown environmental awareness out the window.

The kiss had felt right. A nice walk together, a pleasing conversation, both of them leaning toward each other, Aoko’s eyes fixed on his face much as his were fixed on hers. She’d kissed back, eyes fluttering shut for a moment like it was a relief, like it was wanted and good for her as well. But then she’d opened her eyes. Then she’d looked past Saguru and “Kaito” left her lips and Saguru had looked and seen Kaito staring with open hurt in his expression, not a mask in sight.

And so Saguru regretted.

Aoko left, chasing Kaito almost half an hour ago. Saguru can’t quite bring himself to move. He can’t apologize; he meant that kiss and it isn’t up to Kaito who Aoko does or doesn’t kiss. At the same time, he is something like friends with Kaito. Not quite a friend, but not an enemy anymore either, and Saguru kissed Aoko knowing Kaito likes her as well. In that moment he just hadn’t cared.

A touch to his elbow jars him out of a spiral of self-denigration. “Koizumi-san,” he says. He can’t quite muster anything more than that, or anything beyond dull surprise to see her at a local park. Akako is not the sort of woman to take leisurely strolls.

“Hakuba-kun,” she returns, giving him an imperious nod. She has always had the presence of someone who expects the world to bend to her, regal at times, overbearing at others. It irritates him, when he pauses to think about her, how she has the ability to draw his eye even when he knows better and isn’t terribly attracted to her at all on a personal level.

Although the Akako he has grown to know in recent weeks is much more friendly and tolerable than the persona she wears amidst her fanatical would-be beaus.

She takes a seat next to him on the park bench without asking if she’s welcome. He should ignore her and yet…

“I made a mistake,” he says, giving in to the urge to confess to someone. “I believe I’ve ruined everything. With Nakamori-chan.” He pauses. “And Kuroba.”

“I don’t think you’ve ruined everything yet,” Akako says, serene.

Saguru turns toward her. “I kissed Nakamori-chan. Kuroba saw it, and everyone knows he likes Nakamori-chan. And she likes him back. It’s obvious. I knew I shouldn’t but I got caught up in the moment and I’ve undoubtedly lost Aoko as a friend.” Lost Kaito and whatever good will they were working toward. He’s actually been happy lately. Not just with his case work, but with his social life. Namely because he has one that isn’t composed entirely of people twice his age for once.

Akako pats his arm in the same sort of absent way a person pats a dog that they’re fond of, but find a bit pathetic. It isn’t the sort of touch that should make him relax, but he does. “Have a bit more faith in Aoko-chan. She isn’t going to drop you as a friend over a kiss. Besides, she kissed back, didn’t she?”

“How…?” Akako had not been anywhere near that Saguru noticed. Granted he hadn’t exactly noticed Kaito either.

Another pat. “I’ve been keeping track of how things progress. Aoko-chan’s full of surprises lately.”

Something in her smile makes Saguru shift uncomfortably. It’s a bit too satisfied and predatory for his mind to dismiss it.

“She won’t let Kaito-kun be a fool,” she says. “Although if you’re in the mood to be open with yourself emotionally today, you might as well admit where Kaito-kun fits in with everything.”

“Pardon?” Saguru says, finally finding the will to pull his arm free of her absent patting.

Akako gives him a knowing look. “It’s fine to be attracted to both of them. I am as well. They’re forces of nature; it’s hard to look away.”

Saguru digests that. It’s no secret Akako likes Kaito. He hadn’t been aware that Aoko was included in her interests. It would explain the increasing number of meals she shares with them of late. “Forces of nature?”

“They draw all eyes in a room when they interact. It’s a pleasure to watch.”

Saguru finds the mop-and-magic battles a bit irritating most days. But if he looks at them as a pure example of skill and how their bodies move…

“It will work out,” Akako says with a pat to his shoulder this time instead. She stands and dusts off an already immaculate skirt. “Shall we?”

“Shall we what?”

“Go meet them and finish the conversation?”

Baffled, Saguru takes her offered hand. At the very least he owes them an apology. He might as well get it out of the way now.

*o*o*

Aoko runs, chasing after Kaito without hesitation. She’s leaving Saguru behind, but it’s Kaito. She can’t watch him run away with that look, like she’d sucker punched him in the solar plexus with a mop swing because he’d been a bit too slow to dodge. Kaito at his best can outrun and out-hide her best efforts. Kaito in emotional distress she’s seen before, and is a lot easier to predict than a Kaito with his full mental capabilities working.

Kaito, when unhappy, has always tended to go up. Up trees, to rooftops, tables—she’s seen him climb an awful lot of odd things over the years as his subconscious mind urges him to get some kind of distance from the rest of the world like physical proximity can have an actual effect on the mental mess tangling up inside him. This time is no different.

She finds him up on top of the playground equipment, perched on top of the castle roof that wasn’t meant to be climbed on. It’s late enough in the day that there aren’t children here playing. Kaito’s face is an open portrait of misery that closes off the second he notices he’s not alone.

It hurts to watch that. How often does he do that that she doesn’t notice? How much lately does he just paper over whatever he feels with another layer of a mask?

“Go away,” Kaito says. “Go back to kissing Hakuba.”

“For the record,” Aoko says, shoving down her instinctual anger and hurt, “he kissed me.”

“You kissed back.” He adds, barely audible, “And you like him.”

“I’ve liked you longer,” Aoko says, not quite sure where the bravery to say it to Kaito’s face comes from. Maybe it’s the thought of losing him completely if she doesn’t. His expression still gives nothing away as she searches it. “I like you. I’ve liked you probably since you gave me that flower at the clock tower. Or how you were there when mom…” She swallows. “I’ve liked you a long time and maybe I do like Hakuba-kun too, but it’s always been you, Kaito. I’ve always seen you if I think about the future.”

Kaito looks at her like she’s a puzzle. Like there’s a catch or a limit or something that would make her words mean less.

Aoko takes a breath. “And… and liking more than one person doesn’t mean I like you less. You’re Kaito. You’re the person who teases me and gets my mind off things when I’m sad and who watches silly movies with me and who’s always there when I really need you. Hakuba-kun or Akako-chan or… or someone isn’t going to ever take your place.”

“Akako?” Kaito asks, latching onto that, and Aoko blushes. She didn’t mean to say that. It isn’t like she’s even sure Akako meant any more than teasing and she likes boys more, but Akako and—!

Aoko covers her face, mortified to have blurted that secret out. When she dares peek through her fingers, Kaito has one eyebrow raised.

“Okay, I get that girls are pretty, but Akako?” he says.

“She’s really pretty,” Aoko mumbles. “And has a nice smile. And she’s really nice sometimes.”

“Nice,” Kaito repeats, incredulous. “Akako.”

“She is!” Aoko scowls. “We’ve gone shopping lately together and—” And Kaito changed the topic on her. “Never mind! I like Akako and Hakuba and you, Bakaito!” She lets herself be vulnerable one more time, hoping he won’t just brush her off. “And even though I feel those things for them too, I’d never act on them if it hurt you.”

Kaito looks at her for a long, inscrutable moment before sighing, going boneless against the playground equipment with his feet dangling over the side. “You have such bad taste in people. Akako and Hakuba.”

“I have taste in you,” Aoko points out, annoyed.

“I know. Terrible,” Kaito says in a way that she can’t tell if he’s joking or not. He bites his lip, a tiny sign of vulnerability in return. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say whether you like me back,” Aoko prods. “And whether you want to date me.” It kind of hurts that he hasn’t said anything yet in response to her pouring her heart out.

“Aoko, you don’t want to date me.”

“And you don’t want me to date anyone else apparently!” Aoko snaps, losing her temper.

He flinches, face twisting, because that must have been pretty on the head of the nail. “Aoko.”

“No, Kaito. I don’t get mad when you flirt with the girls in class. I don’t get mad at Akako-chan for flirting with you. But you always get mad at Hakuba for flirting with me.” Aoko throws a hand up. “And as much as you complain about each other, you’re close!”

“We’re not—”

“You let him in your personal space and he lets you in too, and you two do that with barely anyone!” Why are boys so stupid? Why does she even have to have this conversation? “Just be honest with me for once!”

Kaito stares down at her as Aoko breathes too heavily and tries not to burst into frustrated tears. He slides off the playground equipment, landing lightly as a gymnast on the ground in front of her. “I’m not good at honest,” he says quietly.

“Well, try.”

He reaches for her and Aoko steps closer instinctively. Callused fingers brush her cheek, light enough that it almost tickles. “I… I do like you Aoko. And Hakuba’s an ass but he’s not terrible, and. Okay, Akako scares the hell out of me sometimes, but she can be okay. Sometimes. When she’s not seducing people all creepy like.” He sighs. Aoko looks into his eyes even as he keeps shifting his gaze away, uncomfortable to be open. This isn’t how they do things. They’re all about unspoken understandings and talking around subjects, but that hasn’t been working for a while now. For once they’ll just have to bear the discomfort and talk. “But. Aoko…” His hand falls away. Aoko reaches out and catches it in her hands before he can think about stepping away. “There’s things I haven’t told you about. If I say it out loud, you’re not going to like me anymore.” He smiles, self-deprecating. “I’m a bit too selfish in wanting to keep you a little longer.”

“There’s nothing you can say that would make me hate you,” Aoko says with conviction. “Make me angry, yes, but I don’t think I’m capable of hating you.”

“You say that now,” he says. Kaito’s smile goes even more strained at the edges.

Part of her knows where this is leading. It’s the same part of her that she is continually shutting behind mental doors. The same part of her that shut away the first stirrings of attraction she’d felt toward Saguru and Akako, trying to smother them before they got strong enough to acknowledge. But those feelings just grew, just like the understanding she’s ignoring is growing, pushing at the blinders she’s put on.

“Aoko, I’m—”

“Koizumi-san, we’re intruding,” Saguru says a bit louder than he probably means to.

Kaito’s jaw snaps shut and Aoko turns with him. Saguru tugs at Akako’s grip around his wrist, surprisingly strong, looking embarrassed.

“Apologies,” Saguru says. “We’ll leave now. Koizumi-san, let go.”

Akako smiles and pats his arm condescendingly. “Well. Before you continue, I’m making the situation clear. I’m fond of Aoko-chan and Kaito-kun,” she says. “Hakuba-kun is fond of Aoko-chan and Kaito-kun.” Saguru sputters and Kaito stares, not expecting that at all. “Aoko-chan is fond of Kaito-kun, Saguru-kun, and myself.” She winks at Aoko. “And Kaito-kun is fond of Aoko-chan, and perhaps at least a bit interested in Saguru-kun.”

“According to who?!” Kaito chokes.

Akako gives him a look like he’s a speck of dust she’s found on a sleeve of a very nice white dress. “If anyone is paying attention to you, you can be assured I am, and I’ve made a point of noting how you act when you have certain emotions. As disappointing as it is, I am aware you don’t have those feelings for me and probably never will. More’s the pity.”

“Whatever,” Kaito says. “So you’re saying we’re in the most awkward love-quadrangle possible. Great. Big whoop.”

“And coincidentally it involves people who know your secrets or your past,” Akako says, “and yet not both at once. It has been difficult being yourself of late, hmm? And yet you could make a few choices and end up with three people who you don’t have to lie to at all.”

Kaito opens his mouth and Aoko sees the fear there, in the tension around his eyes. Before he can speak, she touches his face, bringing his attention back to her. “Kaito?”

He visibly struggles with something for a moment. “You say that,” he says to Koizumi, “but one of you wants to get me arrested, you want to trap me, and Aoko’s going to hate me.” He keeps meeting Aoko’s eyes. “Not exactly a foundation for trust there.”

He still hasn’t said the words, but Aoko isn’t stupid. She knows what he means. Aoko glances at Saguru only to find him looking at Kaito with a mix of shock and confliction, like he isn’t sure what to do.

“Airing out what’s hidden is the first step,” Akako says. “If you want, I’ll start first.” She clears her throat. “I, Koizumi Akako, am a practicing witch or the Scarlet Arts, a branch of magic that manipulates love and attraction for the benefit of its practitioner.”

“Magic isn’t—” Saguru starts, but he cuts off, eyes glazed as Akako touches his cheek. Then she slaps him gently, just enough to break whatever trance she put on him. He looks warily at where she’s still gripping his wrist.

Believing in magic isn’t too difficult for Aoko. Growing up with Kaito, it’s easy to believe that things are more than they appear. Maybe it should have made her the other way around, since Kaito’s magic is all sleight of hand and careful machination. But there have always been moments with Kaito that defy even what should be possible for a human being to do, and it would explain so much about Akako. Aoko wonders for a moment if Akako charmed her too, but when Akako meets her eyes, there’s wariness there, like she’s expecting backlash, and it’s a vulnerability she’s never shown before. It’s enough for Aoko to realize that she’s serious about liking Aoko back. Serious enough to open herself to accusations that she lured Aoko away from Kaito.

No, Aoko thinks, Akako never charmed her at all. Aoko fell for her all on her own, and by some miracle, Akako likes her back.

“Okay,” Aoko says. “You’re magic.”

Kaito holds his hands up as Aoko glances back his way. “I already found this out the hard way. And no, I’m not magic. Mine’s all hard work, not blood rituals and chats with Satan.”

Saguru looks disturbed.

“I don’t do blood rituals,” Akako says. “Much.”

There’s a lot to unpack there, but Aoko will save that for another day. “Kaito,” she says firmly.

Interestingly, Akako says after her, “One favor.”

Kaito closes his eyes. “Airing things out?” he says with a defeated sigh. “Right. So, we all know Hakuba’s favorite conspiracy theory by this point.” He flicks a glance at Saguru and rather than looking triumphant, Saguru just looks pained. “Not so much of a conspiracy.”

Aoko’s hand drops from his face. Kaito looks like he’s expecting her to knee him in the crotch and maybe cuss out his ancestors with all the force of her Nakamori family lung capacity. Aoko is angry, and hurt too, but she isn’t nearly as surprised as she should be. She did try to prove it wasn’t Kaito those times. If she didn’t have doubts, she wouldn’t have bothered.

“No,” Kaito says to Saguru, still watching Aoko with dread, “that’s not a legal confession. You’re never getting that.”

“I wouldn’t want to catch you like this anyway,” Saguru says. “I have always wanted a fair challenge.”

“I kind of want to smack you,” Aoko says to Kaito. Because he’s been lying to her for ages. And he’s made a fool of her dad. And he’s doing illegal things on the regular. She’s mad. Of course she’s mad. But it’s Kaito.

Kaito flinches, probably expecting her to follow through.

Aoko doesn’t hit him. Instead she crouches down and breathes until she isn’t going to get violent or scream or cry. It’s not like it’s out of the blue. She’s had warnings, her own and others. She can live with this. She can. It’s still Kaito. “Okay,” she says. “You’re Kid. Okay.”

“Okay?” Kaito repeats cautiously.

“Well, no, not okay,” Aoko says, “but okay. I can accept that. I’m pissed and you’re going to have to work to get me to fully trust you again. But okay.” Breathe. She counts to five. Ten. Twenty-five. She looks up to Kaito’s shock and heart-aching relief, Akako’s smug smile and Saguru just a step below wringing his hands from worry. She smiles. Mostly means it too. “Still think I’m going to hate you, Bakaito?”

If they were alone, Aoko thinks he might actually have cried. Because they aren’t, he gives her a wobbly smile back. “Guess I didn’t have enough faith in you. I won’t make that mistake again.” He offers her a hand and Aoko lets him pull her out of her crouch and into a hug. It’s warm. She’s definitely going to have to work through her anger later though because she can barely enjoy Kaito willingly and openly showing her affection right now.

“Hakuba-kun,” Akako says, cutting into their moment, “your secret?”

“Really, Koizumi-san?” Saguru sighs.

“Yeah, way to ruin a moment,” Kaito says against Aoko’s neck.

“You’re both slow,” Akako says.

Saguru sighs again and gives Aoko a pained, apologetic look. Akako still hasn’t let go of his arm, or Aoko thinks he might have left just to avoid the awkwardness.

“Koizumi-san,” Saguru says, “I’m not sure if it even is a secret at this point.” His eyes flick to Kaito. “But I suppose I will say that I’m compromised toward Kid.” He flushes slightly, carefully not looking at Kaito. “And I’ve enjoyed facing off against an intellectual equal. I… didn’t have anyone like that back in London.”

For the first time Aoko realizes that all the things Saguru talked about at lunch, all those times they hung out, most of it was old cases or about his housekeeper. Nothing about friends or what school was like or much of his family life at all. Kaito’s clearly thinking the same thing because he looks at Saguru like he’s finally gotten another vital piece in a puzzle. Okay, maybe it’s a puzzle he isn’t sure he’s enjoying or not, but he is clearly interested and wary in equal measures.

“Excuse me,” Kaito says, “but I’m brilliant and definitely smarter than a detective.”

“Right.” Saguru rolls his eyes with a pinched expression. “And yet he isn’t capable of tact. Koizumi-san, are we done?”

“Not yet,” Akako says. “Aoko-chan?”

Aoko blinks as they all look at her and she doesn’t know what Akako is expecting. Hasn’t her secret already been aired to the world? They know she likes them now. She’s not sure she has any other secrets than that. “What?”

“Are you interested in dating us?” Akako asks.

It’s not a fair question to ask. Not after everything else that’s just been thrown at her. Akako doesn’t play fair though, Aoko’s beginning to realize. She plays to win. Unfortunately it’s not really clear what exactly she’s aiming for. “You already know the answer to that.” She likes all three of them. If she didn’t have to choose… Well, having to choose, she’d choose Kaito. But if she didn’t…

Aoko bites her lip as Akako smiles at her.

At her side, Kaito hums, a sound of understanding. He’s frowning, staring Akako down with one arm still around Aoko. It’s a little possessive. Aoko probably shouldn’t like it as much as she does. But, being honest with herself, she wants Kaito to want her. She just… also wants two other people and kind of wants Kaito to be okay with her wanting them and maybe being wanted back. Those two exceptions only.

“I…” Aoko’s voice wavers. “I’d date all three of you if I could,” she admits. It’s both freeing and terrifying to say. It’s not the way things are done. It’s airing what she’s been trying to hide for months. “I love Kaito, but I don’t want to lose any of you.”

It’s selfish. So selfish to want that. But maybe, Aoko thinks as Akako’s smile turns into something wider and satisfied, sometimes that selfishness is okay.

A shift of Kaito’s arm, gripping tighter on her shoulder pulls her back to attention. He hums again, frown deepening. “I want to say hell no,” Kaito says, “and steal Aoko away. You’re not good enough for her.” He grimaces. “But I kinda am not good enough either.”

Owing up to his faults. Aoko didn’t think she’d ever see it happen.

“I’m not good at sharing,” Kaito says.

“You’d rather be the center of attention,” Saguru says. “Preferably Nakamori-chan’s.”

“I propose,” Akako says, “a trial basis. An open relationship.” She steps forward and catches Aoko’s face in one hand. “Let’s try dating, and if it doesn’t work, reassess.”

“Uh,” Aoko says. She doesn’t manage more than that because Akako kisses her. It’s nothing like Saguru’s kiss, confident and firm. Aoko’s brain goes blank and her knees wobble. Oh. There’s no doubt that she’s attracted to Akako now.

“Excuse me,” Kaito says. “Really.” He’s tense at Aoko’s side and Aoko blinks dumbly as Akako pulls away, grinning. “Has everyone kissed her but me? Really?”

“You can fix that,” Aoko says a bit breathless. She can’t believe this is actually happening.

Kaito pouts down at her. “I wanted to be your first kiss.”

Aoko snorts, a bit too giddy from Akako’s kiss to worry about how Kaito might take that. “You were too slow, Bakaito.” And he still hasn’t kissed her. Aoko takes matters into her own hands and pulls him down.

Kaito’s eyes go huge, then flutter shut. Aoko wants to laugh or maybe cry about how bright she feels inside. Heck, she’s barely even upset at all about the Kid thing because she’s kissing Kaito and she’s kissed all three people she’s in love with and none of them have hated her for being unable to choose. She comes up for air and then keeps kissing Kaito because she can.

“I think,” Saguru says again, “we should go.”

“I’m enjoying the show,” Akako says. “They’re very pretty together.”

Kaito sputters, breaking the kiss and Aoko laughs so hard he’s the only thing holding her up. Aoko might be a bit hysterical from how many emotions she’s experienced in the last hour, but she’s allowed to get a little messed up from it all. It’s fine. She’ll have time to sort through it later.

“I haven’t said yes to anything!” Kaito says. “And that—this—I’m not agreeing to date you two too!”

“Oh, are you thinking of agreeing?” Akako asks sweetly.

Kaito flushes, not controlled at all.

Aoko gasps for breath, her sides aching from laughing. Ow. “I’m so glad,” she says, “I met you all.” She wipes a stray tear away, not sure when she’d reached the point of her eyes leaking. “I accept,” she says to Akako, “provided the boys do too.”

Saguru doesn’t look at any of them as he nods, face red.

Kaito opens his mouth half a dozen times before his shoulders slump. “If it’ll make you happy,” he says to Aoko. “I’ll try. I can’t make promises, but I’ll try.”

Aoko drags them into a hug whether they want a group hug or not. It’s much much more than she could ever have imagined them giving her. “Thank you.”

*o*o*

Aoko sits in Saguru’s living room reading a novel, her head in Saguru’s lap and her feet tangled with Akako’s as she sprawls at the other end of the couch. Kaito’s on the floor, head by her stomach and just close enough to run a hand through his hair if she wants to. It’s nice. Everything keeps being nice and she wonders when she’s going to stop being surprised by that.

“So,” Kaito says casually, “there might be a heist notice appearing in the morning paper.”

“A public notice?” Saguru says. “Unusual of you.”

“Well, there isn’t exactly a person to send it to this time around. You’ll see.”

“No taunting my dad,” Aoko says, flipping a page in her book. She’s not exactly used to Kaito being Kid yet. She’s trying though. Kaito’s trying too, like now, letting little bits of his double life bleed into his first one. “The doctor’s been on him about his blood pressure.”

“Noted.” Kaito flicks out a list with miniscule, cramped handwriting in a different language. Aoko doesn’t want to know.

“Are you sure you should be showing me that?” Saguru asks.

“One,” Kaito says, “it’s in code. Two, it wouldn’t make a difference. You’re still going to be chasing my shadow.” He grins, leaning his head back to catch Saguru’s eye.

Saguru raises an eyebrow. “Care to make that into a wager?”

“I’d be delighted, Detective,” Kaito says in the tone of voice Aoko’s starting to relate to his Kid persona.

Aoko smacks Kaito lightly with her paperback. “Flirt when I’m not caught in the middle.”

“No,” Akako says, “please keep going.” She grins and Aoko rolls her eyes. Honestly, the people she’s in love with.

“Spoilsport,” Kaito says, still grinning. “Also, not flirting.”

“Uh huh.” They haven’t kissed yet, but Aoko’s noticed their bickering is a lot more charged since they started dating her—and not in a jealous way. Kaito revealing his identity had changed something with everyone, but heck if Aoko can pinpoint how it changed things with Saguru.

“Koizumi,” Kaito says, “any bad feelings?”

“Hmm, no.” Akako shrugs. “I’ll ask Lucifer, but I believe this isn’t a heist to be warned of.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, Kaito-kun.” She leers and Kaito ignores it with practiced ease. Aoko pokes Akako with her toes. Akako and Kaito have the weirdest relationship. It can’t even be called a friendship or rivalry, more some strange tentative alliance with Aoko as common ground in the middle.

It works though.

They all work. Aoko grins as Kaito changes the topic to horse racing and Saguru’s clearly trying to see if there is a connection to the heist. Saguru’s warm lap, Akako’s smooth legs, and Kaito’s head pressed against her side. There’s no better place she can picture being.

#magic kaito #my writing #everyone loves aoko #or aoko loves everyone?#both is good #awkward tangled love quadrangle #look im posting something dcmk! not vampire fic but posting!!#be happy writing brain be appeased that something is being posted pleeeease

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greatwhiteco-blog · 6 years

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day one.

First off, there is nothing here you haven’t read or heard a thousand times before. Whether it be in a self-help book, a podcast, or you’re grandmother’s life lessons. I have no business to be writing anything. My grammar even sucks. Buttttt I have a goal. Thank you Rachel Hollis. I have a goal to write and continue writing because life is messy.

I’ve tossed the idea around to write a book. Great idea right. No. I have no idea what to even write about unless it’s myself so I think journaling is a good start. There. This is a journal. A place to breath after my job drains all the compassion I have and my four year old throws a tantrum that I will most likely be able to vividly recall in 30 years. Refreshing and basically a place to dump the shit that I need to get out of my head.

So who am I and why would you ever care to read on? I am no one special. I have faced trials and tribulations the same as everyone else. My anxiety which sparks up too much likes to remind me I am different, unpredictable, and a lot of times unworthy. I fight with myself almost daily to get up and take a shower.

Wow. It’s terrifying to put this out there. To admit such things. Depression is no joke, my friend. Whether it’s seasonal depression or the kind that chases your every single thought - I hear you. I feel you. I completely understand you. Maybe you have hit the point where you can acknowledge this and are working on it. Yay girl! Self care is life and SO important unless you’re 13 and positivity isn’t cool. In that case, you have life to live and shouldn’t be on here anyways. Go learn what a sock bun is and get ya self some blue wet and wild then come chat.

Some people can function normally and not think about themselves every 30 seconds. Then there’s my kind of people. The ones who have such negative thoughts. Not a single thought either that you can stew on. It’s like pressing rewind on a VHS video tape in the early 90′s. Scenes from the film fly by on the screen. Little to nothing makes any sense and your brain can’t keep up with such high speeds of images to process what’s happening in the story. Oh and it’s rewinding. You aren’t looking to the future with your sidekick anxiety. No you are forever hashing out the details of events that have already happened. Over thinking and analyzing situations that have happened. Like there is not a damn thing you can do to alter the outcome. Done. Final. No more. Period. But here I am two years later stewing over a comment someone made to me, blaming me for their drug addiction.

Let’s chat on that. Let’s get this shit off my chest. Dump site, right? Drug addiction. What a fucking roller coaster. That’s moot point at this moment. The true point is two years later. That’s 25 months. 100 weeks. 740 days. I knew at the moment shit hit the fan that I wasn’t the one to blame. I didn’t force or cause anyone to make such piss poor decisions (resentment I still have. Could ya tell?). I knew, but I still blamed myself. Crazy, right? I still blamed myself for maybe being so horrible. Like I didn’t smile enough, keep the house clean enough, wasn’t “happy” enough. Whatever bullshit I could think of to place the blame on myself, I did.

So. Fucking. Wrong. I did not cause the drug addiction. It had been going on for 13 years prior to me. I could have been the most ideal person for this guy and he still would have made the choices he made. Let’s repeat that last sentence. He still would have made the choices he made. Nothing, not a damn thing I did or said was going to change that. Therefore, it sure as hell won’t matter 2 years later.

Just this morning on my ridiculous long drive to work, I was listening to the Mindset & Motivation podcast by Rob Dial. Good shit if you need a quick boost of energy. He gets straight to the point with realistic tips to help you change your mindset and therefore you habits and therefore your life. Dial discussed the top 5 things you need to stop doing at this very moment so you can achieve the best life possible. One of which was you have to stop living in the past. You wouldn’t drive a car while looking in the rearview so why would you even bother trying to steer your life to happiness and peace while looking back at all the bad shit that got you here? I suck at reversing so I’m re-examining my mindset.

Please tell me other people get this. The racing mind, the self loathing. Please tell me other people are trying to make changes in their lives, in their mindset.

So again why bother to read my rambles? Well I’m a sweary twenty six year old, living the good life in Maine. I’ve got some good stories and some pretty shitty ones. I’m just beginning my story. The greatest journey I have yet to take. To find happiness and peace in my own way. I don’t ever plan to shit rainbows and eat cotton candy (I absolutely HATE cotton candy! Don’t get me started on cotton balls). I plan to find peace in the sound of a tattoo gun as my bones are rattling from whatever design I came up with a half hour ago. I plan to find peace at the tip of my kayak in the middle of a lake in complete silence. I plan to find peace in teaching my four year old her letters and how not to take shit, but always show kindness. I plan to find peace where I learn to love myself. I plan to drown out the negative thoughts I encounter by the minute by coming to the conclusion I am worthy.

ya get my drift? hollah at ya girl in the comments.

#selfcare #anxiety #depression #letstalkaboutit #letstalkaboutmentalhealth #greatwhiteco

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theboywhocriedbooks · 6 years

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The Girl With All the Gifts by M.R. Carey

[Goodreads]

Melanie is a very special girl. Dr. Caldwell calls her "our little genius."

Every morning, Melanie waits in her cell to be collected for class. When they come for her, Sergeant Parks keeps his gun pointing at her while two of his people strap her into the wheelchair. She thinks they don't like her. She jokes that she won't bite, but they don't laugh.

Melanie loves school. She loves learning about spelling and sums and the world outside the classroom and the children's cells. She tells her favorite teacher all the things she'll do when she grows up. Melanie doesn't know why this makes Miss Justineau look sad.

The Girl with All the Gifts is a sensational thriller, perfect for fans of Stephen King, Justin Cronin, and Neil Gaiman.

Thoughts:

This was such a great book, I honestly loved it. I felt like I had been in a really book-loving mood recently because that feels like the way I’m starting most of my reviews. Regardless, this book was so action packed and a page turning read. For some reason, I had no idea that it was about zombies but it is. It’s such a unique take on zombies though, which was refreshing. It’s a very character driven story, which I live for, and I think it’s really well done. I loved Melanie, and the whole storyline that surrounded the kids was a complete wild time. The ending, in relation to that, was amazing. Definitely check this out if you’re into zombies but I think you could just check it out if you want something interesting and entertaining to read. I’d even recommend the audiobook! Or! Go see the movie, which was amazing (but has an interesting race swap on the two main characters) and on Amazon Prime! Either way, go now because I’m going to go on about it in spoiler-y detail below:

One of the things was interesting to me was the fact that this book was so female focused. I loved the main character, she was really inquisitive and a bit spunky. I think the fact that, basically, she was a “zombie” kid was really cool! Seeing her eat some men was very satisfying too. I loved little bits with her, such as her interest in mythology, her love for Justineau or her overall bluntness thats rooted most likely in not understanding a reason for coyness.

The whole zombie mythology was wonderful. I liked this somewhat very fresh perspective on zombies. On some level its not too different than the other stories of zombies, these people who are dead and chasing you because they want to eat you. You get bitten and turned into a zombie, thus following the cycle of that. The way it spread was normal except for the new aspect of the ’trees’ where the infection is sprouting and becoming physical. The way some of this was described, especially the thin white web stuff, was so awesome. It just reminded me of those trees that spew out cotton, which is what made it even more cooler because I had a really good picture in my head of what it all looked like.

Everything is really normal in terms of zombies except for the children. The fact that, instead of being immune to the disease, they actually just had a more advanced version of it and were able to cope was so awesome. I obviously new that they were zombies from the jump because of how they we treating them but I didn’t expect it to be explained the way it was. Even more so I did not expect for all of the humans to die the way that they did. The last portion where Melanie was setting it all ablaze, thus infecting the rest of them, was beautifully done. It was my favorite part of the entire book because of the line “ It’s not over, it’s just not yours anymore.” I screamed at this part!!! It might have been because of the audiobook but it was just such an amazing line. I can’t even express why it shook me to my core. It felt almost like a call-out post to humans and their ideas of life.

Continuing with that idea, the whole book really talked about what it means to be human. Honestly, more than that, it talks about what it means to be alive and to be worthy of life. The children and the zombies are frequently told they should die because they are not like the humans but they both showed signs of some sort of emotions. They showed it wasn’t as cut and dry as the humans tried to make it seem. I loved this discussion the book was having because it made me reflect on myself and my life.

Humans really do think we’re all that but, as I learned in an Evolutional Anthropology class, humans haven’t even been alive as long as the species that we’re evolved from. Even thinking about dinosaurs (The new Jurassic World was so good, by the way!!) or creatures we’ve get to discover in the depths of the ocean both really make you realize just how small the worlds history of humans is. This making you think about what the meaning of it all is.

OKAY now I’m getting all existential and deep so lets wrap this up. This was such a good book and I enjoyed it fully so I hope you check it out if you haven’t and if you have you should let me know your thoughts too! Is’n’t it wild how Justineau is basically the last uninfected human alive? Talk about lonely. But shes helping the next generation of beings become “smart” and shit so thats cool lol

P.S. The movie was so good too! But theres an interesting race swap between the main character Melanie and Justineau. The little girl becomes the black character and the woman becomes white. I haven’t analyzed it too much but it’s really interesting the way that Melanie and the overall zombie population are treated, which can be connected to the oppression of people of color. It adds a layer to the story that the book did not have and I loved it! The films barely different and it did really well for an adaptation.

#amzing! but not about telekinesis like the cover appears lol its about zombies #the girl with all the gifts #m. r. carey #zombies #review #2018 #i

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johnhardinsawyer · 3 years

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Family of Origin Processing

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

6 / 6 / 21

Mark 3:20-35

“Family of Origin Processing”

(Finding Grace in Dysfunction Junction)

Has this ever happened to you? You hear about something odd or crazy happening in someone else’s family and you say, “Well, if you think that’s odd, you haven’t met my family!” Or, maybe you’re like my wife and me when we say, “I’m just glad our family is perfect and there’s no dysfunction or weirdness at all.” When, of course, we know there’s weirdness in our family, just like there is in every family. We just have to laugh about it, sometimes, to keep from crying.

I don’t think you need me to tell you this, but families are complicated. And there are things about who you and I are as people, that are closely linked to who our families are, and how we were raised, and how our families resolved (or did not resolve) conflict, or grief, or stress. It’s not that all of our problems can be blamed on our families or our upbringing. Many of our problems are ours to own and work through, but some of the traits of our family of origin can either help or hurt the way that we own and/or work through those problems.

If you have ever spent any time with a psychotherapist or pastoral counselor, you might be familiar with the concept of family of origin processing – analyzing who your family was and is in such a way that you can possibly identify patterns and personality traits from the past that inform the present. Maybe your father was too strict or too lax or suffering from PTSD. Maybe your mother was always nervous and controlling because her mother was always nervous and controlling. Maybe you’re carrying guilt or shame because of something you did or someone else did a generation ago. Maybe there was a crisis that completely changed your family and how you related to one another. Stuff like this can shape us and make us who we are.

No, I am not a trained psychotherapist – and I am not trying to play one on TV – but I have spent enough time on psychotherapists’ couches to know that families are complicated – your family, my family. . . even the family of Jesus.

In today’s reading from the Gospel of Mark, Jesus goes home to Capernaum – a fishing town on the shores of the Sea of Galilee – where he has been staying. It is becoming clear that wherever Jesus goes, he ends up drawing a crowd. Imagine if a big celebrity took up residence right next door to your house and there was nothing put in place to keep the crowd of fans, and well-wishers, and paparazzi, and critics away. According to the story, there are so many people gathered at Jesus’ home – so many interruptions and knocks on the door for healing or advice – that he and his newly appointed twelve disciples are not able to even eat a meal, together. For Jesus, the need is constant and the disruptions are endless.

To top it all off, the scene in Capernaum is so wild that Jesus’ family from all the way over in Nazareth have heard about all of this and they show up and try “to restrain him.” (Mark 3:21a) In the original language, the word used here is the same word used for “arrest” or “take into custody.”[1] It’s almost like they’re trying to commit him to a mental institution, because they declare that Jesus “has gone out of his mind.” (3:21b) Again, in the original language, Jesus’ family is saying that he has “become separated from himself or lost his spiritual and mental balance.”[2] He is definitely not acting like the Jesus of Nazareth that they know and love – the Jesus of Nazareth who, after living at home for thirty years or so, went off to the wilderness and was baptized by John in the Jordan River and came back. . . different. “You’ve changed, Jesus,” they are telling him. “And not in a good way.”

Now, I’ve heard of families holding interventions, but this is something else. . . And I know that you might be wondering, just who – besides Mary and Joseph – Jesus’ “family” might be. As today’s passage tells us, Jesus’ mother and brothers and sisters come to see him. Just briefly, we are told a little later in the Gospel of Mark that, when Jesus goes to his hometown of Nazareth, the people say, “Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon, and are not his sisters here with us?” (6:3)[3] It should be noted that, in the original language, the terms “brother” and “sister” have a broad meaning, that could mean blood sibling or, simply, someone who is not a blood sibling but is still close to you, even someone sharing your same nationality or faith.[4] Suffice it to say that we do not know whether Jesus actually had all of these real-life siblings, but the text implies that there were some real people who considered themselves to be Jesus’ family and who are, in today’s passage, very concerned about him.

Now, imagine that one of your relatives has left home and has started stirring up trouble with the local authorities. You might feel inclined to go and try to help them or stop them in some way before they get hurt or end up on the evening news, or worse: the local police blotter. I can imagine reading all about Jesus in the traditional-leaning Galilee Gazette: “Local man casts out demons and cures untouchable diseases with a touch, on the Sabbath Day no less. Experts from Jerusalem say that ‘This ain’t good.’”

This is what the experts from Jerusalem are saying about Jesus – that he is the devil, himself. If he seems to have power over evil spirits, then he must have an evil spirit, himself, or even be the ruler of all evil spirits.

But Jesus pushes back with an interesting set of images – a divided kingdom, a divided house, a divided spirit. “A kingdom, a house, or a spirit that is divided against itself is not able to stand,” Jesus says in the form of a parable. He does not go into too much detail, here, but I imagine that those religious experts from Jerusalem might have heard these words clearly directed at them because of their own divided loyalties to their own people and faith, but also, to the ruling Roman empire, who was allowing them to practice their faith as long as they didn’t stir up trouble. They were already living in a conquered and divided kingdom, anyway. I also imagine the early church hearing Jesus’ words directed clearly at them, when the Gospel of Mark was first written and read during a time of persecution by the Romans as well as the Jewish religious experts. The church often met secretly in peoples’ homes. And the only way for the church to survive was to unite around the good news of Jesus. A divided house or church simply would not stand. I also imagine individual people hearing Jesus speaking directly to them about their own lives and spirits that were – and continue to be, to this day – hellishly divided between fear and trust, anger and grief, hatred and love, shame and pride. And, I imagine Jesus’ mother and brothers hearing Jesus speaking directly to them about their own family – their own household. Jesus makes this much clear when they stand outside his house and call for him to come out. “Your momma and brothers are out there – they want to see you,” the people say to him. “Who are my mother and brothers?” Jesus asks. And, looking at everyone who has gathered there in the house with him – poor fishermen, and rich tax collectors, and so-called “sinners,” and outcasts from their own families for some reason or another. And, Jesus says, “Here is the family that God has given me.” (3:32-35)[5]

Ouch! I think it’s safe to say that the intervention has not gone as planned. The family from Nazareth – the family of origin – has been replaced by a new and different kind of family. Perhaps the word “replaced” is a little strong, here, though. We are told that his family of origin does come around, in the end. His mother is there when he is crucified[6]and, a little later in the New Testament, there are references to James, “the Lord’s brother” (Galatians 1:19) and to the married brothers of Jesus[7] who seem to have a connection to the early church in Jerusalem.

The remarkable thing that is really taking place in today’s story is the way that Jesus expands what it means to be related to him and to belong to God. God’s family, you see, is just as much – if not more – of a family of origin as any nuclear family ever was because God is our origin. No matter who raised you or who raised the ones who raised you, from the beginning, God has made each of us. Yes, you may have inherited your daddy’s nose or your mother’s eyes, or your family’s craziness, but each and every one of us has been made in God’s image and called good.[8] God made us and loved us first. No matter the dysfunction we think we’ve inherited, God has seen us as good and has made things right with us through the love of Jesus Christ. It is in the body and blood of Jesus – at this Table, and on the cross, and in the empty tomb – that we find our healing and wholeness and through which we find our true blood relations, here, in the Body of Christ, the church.

Yes, you and I have families of origin, but our true family of origin is found in the creative, and loving, and sustaining heart of the Holy. We would do well to remember this – that we belong to God – to internalize this good news and process it in such a way that it comes to define who we are and how we live our lives.

You know, these past fifteen months of the Covid-19 pandemic have meant that a lot of people have spent a lot of time with their family of origin. In many cases, this has been a good thing, but in other cases, I know that it has not. Families are complicated – even God’s family, the church – but, as Anne Lamott writes, “families are definitely the training ground for forgiveness.”[9] And, in God’s family of origin, there is always uncomplicated forgiveness, and hope, and healing, and grace, especially for those who come looking for it.

May you find and live and share this grace, no matter who your earthly family may be.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

--------------

[1] Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1979) 448.

[2] Walter Bauer, 276.

[3] We also find these names in Matthew 3:31-32.

[4] Walter Bauer, 16.

[5] Paraphrased, JHS.

[6] See John 19:25, as well as an implied appearance in Mark 15:40.

[7] See 1 Corinthians 9:5

[8] See Genesis 1:26-31.

[9] https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7437191-i-tell-you-families-are-definitely-the-training-ground-for.

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lindafrancois · 5 years

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The Mediterranean Diet Beginner’s Guide (Can You Eat Pasta for Weight Loss?)

So it’s time to learn about the Miditerranean Diet?

Maybe you heard it’s one of the best diets for overall health?

Or perhaps you’ve decided it’s time to lose some weight and you’re searching for a sustainable diet?

No matter what your motive, you’ve arrived at the right place!

We analyze different diets as part of our 1-on-1 Online Coaching, and we are really flippin good at it!

Is the Mediterranean Diet right for you? Maybe! Let our coaches help you decide.

Here’s what we’ll cover in our Beginner’s Guide to the Mediterranean Diet:

What is the Mediterranean Diet?

Where did the Mediterranean Diet come from? (The Mediterranean Diet Pyramid)

What do you eat on the Mediterranean Diet? (Food List)

What foods are NOT allowed on the Mediterranean Diet?

Will I lose weight on the Mediterranean Diet?

Easy Mediterranean Diet recipes

Why is the Mediterranean Diet so healthy? (Other lifestyle considerations)

Can I drink wine (and other alcohol) on the Mediterranean Diet?

Exercise and the Mediterranean Diet (Workout recommendations)

7 common questions on starting the Mediterranean Diet

Next steps on beginning the Mediterranean Diet (plus a challenge)

It’s a lot to cover, so let’s jump right in!

Time to get to weird…

What is the Mediterranean Diet?

The Mediterranean Diet is a way of life that involves eating real food: vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes (beans), some fish, and a whole lotta “healthy” fat.

Plus a little red wine.

It gets its name from a few key countries on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, and studying the dietary patterns of the people who live long lives in that area.

When experts discuss the Mediterranean Diet, the words “heart-healthy” will almost certainly be attached. [1] It’s the reason the Mediterranean Diet shines like a crazy diamond, because who DOESN’T want a healthy heart?

So why does this diet make your heart healthy, and why do people tend to lose weight on it?

Simple: Every item listed above falls into the REAL food category. When I say real food, I mean stuff that came from the ground, grew on a tree, grazed on a field, flew through the air, or swam in the water.

Here’s another way to put it: If your great grandma from the old country wouldn’t recognize it as food, it probably doesn’t fit into the Mediterranean Diet.

Sorry Pop-Tarts, Big Macs, and Coca-Cola.

Logically, the reason this diet gets good grades makes sense. Of COURSE a diet composed of REAL food like the Mediterranean Diet would have REAL health benefits.

And those benefits are awesome!

The diet has been linked to a plethora of benefits, including a reduced risk of heart attack,[2] and even the retention of cognitive abilities to help stave off dementia.[3]

At this point you might be wondering:

“Steve, I like the cut of your jib, and this diet sounds pretty good. So, just eat real food, got it. But what about all these benefits I hear about olive oil? And I thought pasta was unhealthy. That’s a crucial part of the Mediterranean Diet too, right? Tell me more.”

I got you, boo.

Where did the Mediterranean Diet Come From? (The Mediterranean Diet Pyramid)

Believe it or not, this diet wasn’t created by a goat herder in the Greek countryside.

It was actually theorized by an American scientist back in the 50s, and started gaining popularity in the 90s.

Have you heard the name, Ancel Keys?

He’s a doctor from back in the day (think 1950s) often credited with popularizing the idea that saturated fat leads to deadly heart attacks, a la high cholesterol levels in the bloodstream. We went in-depth on this very controversial subject in “A Beginner’s Guide to Cholesterol,” so I won’t rehash it here.

The reason I bring Keys up is because he was one of the early founders of the Mediterranean Diet.

Keys formulated this diet after poring over data and research and identified that people in Greece and Italy statistically lived longer than other populations he studied. Farmers working until the age of 100 wasn’t uncommon on the Greek island of Crete.

So what was the big secret?

Are the people of Crete actual descendants of Atlantis with special DNA and olive oil running through their veins?

Not really.

Keys noted these Mediterraneans had low saturated fat intake, getting fat instead from olives and fresh fish. He also noted low instances of heart disease, and thus declared something like, “low saturated fat consumption causes fewer instances of heart disease and leads to a longer life.”

Now, if you’re a nerd like me, you are hopefully aware that “correlation does not prove causation,” that even though two variables are correlated, it doesn’t mean that one causes the other.

But it was a great story, backed up by logically sounding data from an accomplished researcher, and the hypothesis became “fact.” Thus, the hypothesis of the “Mediterranean Diet equals long life” continued to gain steam, and Keys work went on to define a huge portion of America’s nutritional guidance over the past 60 years.

Fast forward to the 1990s, and the Mediterranean Diet story reached the mainstream media with the help of a group of researchers, who decided it was time to popularize and proselytize its benefits.

In a controversial and complicated part of the story that’s much lesser known, these researchers focused on Greece and Italy, ignoring data from any other Mediterranean population that didn’t fit their narrative.

Together, under Walter C. Willett from Harvard School of Public Health, they came up with the ‘Mediterranean Diet Pyramid.”

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, this DOES look just like the food pyramid you were taught in grade school! But with more real food. And wine. And dancing.

I told you Keys’s work was very influential in the guidelines we all grew up with! So that concludes today’s history portion of the article.

Back to getting weird:

What Do You Eat on the Mediterranean Diet? (Food List)

As I already pointed out, the Mediterranean Diet focuses on REAL food that’s found in the Mediterranean (duh).

It’s one of the things I love about it!

Below are our recommended types of food, examples of each, and substitutes in case you don’t happen to live on Sicily or Santorini:

Vegetables. Common Mediterranean Diet staples are artichokes, arugula, Brussels sprouts, celery, and peas, but seriously any vegetable you enjoy is good enough! So go wild. Hate veggies? I got you.

Fruit. Figs, mandarins, tomatoes (yeah it’s a fruit), and pomegranate are common to the area, but fruit like apples and oranges works too. We’re fans of fruit, just don’t eat 5,000 calories of fruit and wonder why you’re not losing weight!

Whole Grains. Barley, buckwheat, oats, rice, and wheat, in the form of fresh made wheat pasta, whole wheat bread, and pitas. Whole grains are encouraged in just about every article on the Mediterranean Diet. When we say “whole” we mean minimally processed, and are consumed in significantly smaller portions than you’re probably used to.

Legumes. Think beans and lentils: a great sources of protein and fiber that also happen to be delicious. Hummus, a dish from the Mediterranean, is made out of chickpeas (a legume).

Dairy. Remember that pyramid from a moment ago? You’ll see that dairy is higher up, meaning to consume in smaller quantities. Why? because researchers were concerned about saturated fat. With the Mediterranean Diet, dairy tends to comes from cheese like brie, feta and parmesan, and Greek yogurt (though I assume there they just call it “yoghurt,”).

Fish. Fish are packed full of Omega-3 fatty acids (good!), which tends to be deficient in most American/Western diets and has been linked to health ailments.[4] Fish like cod are found in the Mediterranean, though you could go with options like tuna or salmon too.

Poultry. Factoid: Did you know there are roughly three chickens on Earth to every person? Roughly 20 billion fowl share the planet with us. I’ve been sitting on that statistic for a while and was antsy to share. Anyways! Go ahead and eat your preferred poultry, which could also include turkey and duck.

Healthy Oils. Olive oil. If there is one specific food linked to the Mediterranean Diet, it’s olive oil. Olive oil is touted for its monounsaturated fat, unlike the saturated fat of say butter. Personally, I think both are fine. But I encourage people to eat plenty of healthy fat, as demonstrated by our “Beginner’s Guide to the Keto Diet.” So go ahead and use olive oil.

How much of each category should you eat? That’s a good question, and depending on your quantity of each categories, you may or may not lose weight (I’ll cover all of this in a section below).

In addition to that, everybody does the Mediterranean Diet differently:

Some argue that dairy shouldn’t be in the Mediterranean Diet at all, because it contains saturated fat.

Others would say red meat should be listed above, because Mediterranean dishes often include lamb.

Depending on which country in the Mediterranean you pick, your “diet” will be very different.

You’re never going to get a straight answer on this, and that’s okay! This diet is loosely based on a region, in a moment in time, as interpreted by researchers with an agenda.

The reason I’m telling you this: I don’t care where the diet came from, or the story told around it. The same is true for Paleo (I don’t care about cavepeople!) – we don’t care about the story; we only care if the story helps people make healthier food choices.

Don’t get bogged down in the details or the dogma or the history. Instead, look at the list of food above. Shift your eating and go for big wins, by eating protein and real food as listed above, and you’ll be much better off than you are currently.

Which brings me to my next point…

What Foods Are Not Allowed on the Mediterranean Diet?

Yup, there are definitely “you’re doing it wrong” foods when it comes to the Mediterranean Diet. If you’re gonna go Mediterranean, please cut wayyyy back on the following:

Added sugar. This. If all you did to improve your diet was cut out added sugar, you’d be well on your way to improved health. Ditch the candy, soda, and ice cream and you’ll make me very happy. I’m generally pretty happy, but this will really put things over the top.

Refined grain. Oh Mediterranean Diet, you do get me. The second thing I would tell people to do to improve their diet would be to cut out refined and processed grains. Your body’s blood sugar can react to it almost the same way it does to sugar.

Refined oils. Dump out all rapeseed oil, soybean oil and canola oil. When they’re heated, like they do when undergoing refinement, they create free radicals. Which aren’t as fun as they tend to sound, because of the whole “not good for your health” thing.[5] Science, you should really think of a less awesome name here.

Processed meat. High quality meat will have better nutrients and fatty acid profiles than its processed counterparts. So cut back on uber processed deli meats and hot dogs. As for bacon, that’s your judgment call, partner.

Now, the above shouldn’t be too much of a shocker. Are you starting to see why the Mediterranean Diet is popular and reputable? It keeps things simple!

Eat real food.

Avoid unhealthy food.

Use olive oil.

Of course, this is ALL easier said than done, and whether or not you’ll lose weight on the diet is juuuuust a bit more complex than the above.

Will I lose weight on the Mediterranean Diet?

Short answer: It’s certainly possible.

Longer answer: If you currently eat a standard American diet full of processed food and sugar, the Mediterranean Diet will probably help you shed body fat if you can stick with it consistently and follow it intelligently.

I’ve talked about this extensively in our “Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating,” but the trick of any self respectable diet rests on eating REAL food and eliminating the bad food.

That’s it.

It’s why the Keto Diet and the Paleo Diet both work – for people that can stick it. The same goes for Intermittent Fasting.

These diets all focus on cutting out all the processed garbage, consuming real food, and keeping total calorie consumption under control. They just do it with different rules to follow.

The Mediterranean Diet is no different.

It focuses on real food that people in Mediterranean Europe have been eating for generations. Fresh vegetables, fruits, and fish are nothing new to the people of Greece! If you went back into the days of antiquity, after slaying a minotaur, you’d bask in a feast of fish, olives, and berries.

Of course, ALLLLL diets come with a big fat caveat:

Knowing you should eat fresh veggies, fruit, and fish is VERY different than actually sticking with it when life gets in the way, your kid gets sick, and you have to pick up a second job.

We all know we should eat better. But HOW to eat better, consistently, permanently: that’s where lasting weight loss and decades of healthy living happen.

This is the big reason why we put such an emphasis on nutritional planning for each person in our 1-on-1 coaching program: you have to make the diet work for YOUR specific life situation!

So, the reason the Mediterranean Diet works is the same reason other diets work: eating real food makes you more likely to consume fewer calories on a consistent basis, and you can’t defeat thermodynamics. Eating 5,000 calories of pasta and fish, though technically allowed on the Mediterranean Diet, will still result in weight gain.

So yes, if your current eating habits aren’t great, moving towards a Mediterranean Diet would be a solid move, especially if it helps you change your relationship with food and teaches you about portion sizes!

I’ll admit there’s controversy on how the Mediterranean Diet was formulated, but it ALSO encourages people to eat more real food, in smaller quantities, and has a good chance of weight loss if your changes are permanent.

Just remember: temporary changes create temporary results. If you follow a Mediterranean Diet to lose a few pounds and then go back to how you eat now, you’ll end up right back where you started!

We want small wins, permanent changes, and momentum!

Our entire coaching program is based on helping busy people make these small lifestyle changes. Nothing too scary, but impactful enough that their lives can be quite different in six months to a year.

A Nerd Fitness Coach can guide your nutrition and weight loss journey. Learn more here!

Should I eat whole grains, dairy, and legumes on the Mediterranean Diet?

Should you eat grains, pasta, rice, etc, as allowed on the Mediterranean Diet?

If you can keep your portions under control, sure.

This is 200 calories of pasta (thanks to WiseGeek):

This is a serving of cheese (116 calories):

Yeah, that’s not much pasta and cheese…

As we cover in our Guide to Healthy Eating, carbs and fats (cheeses) are often calorically-dense, meaning you’ll have to be careful not to over consume if you’re managing a daily calorie goal.

Plus, some people have digestive issues with legumes, grains (gluten intolerance), or dairy (lactose intolerant), so just make sure you process them okay. This is why the paleo community shuns these foods, but that’s likely overblown (you can read about “paleo-ish” for more).

My recommendation: treat yourself like a scientist and treat this as an experiment:

If you are following a Mediterranean Diet and consuming dairy, grains, and legumes and you’re getting results and a clean bill of health from your doctor, GREAT! Keep doing what you’re doing.

If you are following a Mediterranean Diet with dairy, grains, and legumes and NOT losing weight, try minimizing your consumption of some/all of these things to see if that changes things.

I know how tough it can be to eat just HALF of something on your plate, or eat a smaller portion of a food you really enjoy, so I’m gonna share with you a diet that is picking up some steam, and might be a good experiment for you to consider.

Should I Consider a Low-Carb Mediterranean Diet?

What happens when you cut out the grains and dairy from a Mediterranean Diet?

You end up with a low-carb Mediterranean Diet.

This diet has actually been tested and named, in what is referred to as the Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet or Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet (SKMD).

The fat mostly comes from olive oil, there’s still red wine (I swear I’m getting to this), with plenty of green vegetables and salads for carbohydrates. Plus fish for protein. Lot’s of fish. In Spain, fish is a main component of diet, hence the Spanish in the SKMD.

And who would have thunk it, it works!

The SKMD has been shown to help improve fatty liver disease and metabolic syndrome.[6] Not to mention the SKMD is effective for weight loss and waist circumference shrinkage.[7]

I’ve already covered the ketogenic diet extensively, so I won’t get into it (seriously, go read that post – it also has cute animal gifs) here. If you are going to pick a modified version of the Mediterranean Diet, the SKMD would be the optimal choice in my opinion.

Overwhelmed with Mediterranean, saturated fats, keto, or SKMD?

I hear ya.

Navigating all of these diets can be really tough. And maybe you’ve even tried the Mediterranean Diet before and couldn’t get the results to stick. That’s because diets are challenging, and life gets in the way.

If this is you, and you don’t have time to figure out how to make food work for your busy lifestyle, Nerd Fitness has a pretty sweet 1-on-1 Coaching Program to create custom solutions for each client that fits their life!

You can schedule a free call with our team to learn more by clicking on the image below!

Easy Mediterranean Diet Recipes

Need some help figuring out what all this will actually look like on a plate?

After all, just having a list of foods is like having the ingredients of a cake. It’s definitely not the same as having a cake.

Sorry for making you think about cake. I’ll go do 10 push-ups as punishment.

And I’m back.

Because I like you as a person, I did some research and found some super simple recipes for the “standard” Mediterranean Diet:

Arugula salad with chicken

Avocado hummus

Egg and Brown Rice Breakfast Bowl

Pasta with Tuna and Tomatoes

Tomatoes Stuffed with Peanut Quinoa

If you are an overachiever, here are some recipes for the Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet:

Greek Shrimp Salad

Greek Fish Foil Packets

Rosemary Roasted Brussel Sprouts

That should get you started.

If you have other favorite recipes or resources, leave a comment below so I can add them here to this list!

Why Is the Mediterranean Diet so Healthy? (Other Lifestyle Considerations)

So far in this article, we’ve only focused on what to eat. Which is logical, because the Mediterranean Diet is first and foremost an eating regiment.

Whether you live in midwestern Ohio or Timbuktu, you can mimic the nutritional strategies of a centenarian Mediterranean thanks to global markets.

However, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t also mention all the other lifestyle benefits certain Mediterranean people have that ALSO factor into their longevity:

Meal time as a social event. In a traditional Mediterranean household, friends and family come together over food as an experience. This allows conversation to integrate into the meal, which extends the amount of time spent consuming food. The faster you scarf down food, the more of an insulin response you’ll create, and the more likely you’ll be to overeat when more food is available.[8] It takes your body time to realize it’s full, which happens too late when you are scarfing down food mindlessly in front of a screen.

Smaller servings. When comparing Western meals to those of Europe, one thing becomes plainly obvious in most situations: we tend to eat more food than our friends across the pond. Our plates are bigger and our servings are larger. And all other things being equal, the bigger the portion placed in front of you, the more you’ll probably eat.[9]. Want to eat less to help drop some body fat? Eat smaller servings by using smaller plates! You can trick your brain into eating less food. Here’s the study where they demonstrated just that.[10] Boom, science.

Move naturally. Think of life in the Greek islands back in 1950s – how many of these people spent an hour in a car commuting to a desk job where they worked 60 hours a week? Probably not many! Instead, it was a LOT more walking and local living. You can replicate this by spending more time walking and less time sitting! Every step starts to add up to a lot of physical activity. Plus, wine can add to spontaneous dancing like Zorba the Greek (seriously, the next section is about wine, you’re almost there).

Take a nap. It’s not uncommon for people in the Mediterranean to take a nap after lunch. This could help with their waistline. I know this is common knowledge, but getting plenty of sleep is important in your weight loss journey. Lack of shuteye has been shown to interfere with insulin responses after meals.[11] That’s right, you could be eating well, but still wreak havoc on your blood sugar by sleeping poorly.

Okay. You made it.

I’m proud of you.

You waited patiently, through this whole article and now we are at….

Can I drink wine and alcohol on the Mediterranean Diet?

Yes, you can enjoy a little wine on the Mediterranean Diet.

Hip hip hooray!

But seriously, let’s chat about this because I too enjoy adult beverages.

Drinking wine is customary throughout the Mediterranean: it’s served during dinner, to be paired with food and to encourage good conversation. Is it the wine itself that leads to better health? Or does wine add to the experience of dinner, creating an event to be remembered?

(It’s totally the latter.)

Real talk on alcohol: so many people consume alcohol that any diet that says “you cannot drink any alcohol ever” is doomed and nobody would stick with it. So in this made-up diet that claims to mimic old ways of eating, it recommends consuming wine in moderation.

I see this in every diet:

Paleo dieters drink tequila.

Keto dieters drink whiskey.

And Mediterranean dieters drink red wine.

We’ve talked about alcohol extensively here at Nerd Fitness, and one of our preferred drink recommendations is red wine. As long as you are keeping your calorie consumption under control, occasionally enjoying adult beverages can be part of your strategy.

We cool? Cool.

Exercise and the Mediterranean Diet (Workout Recommendations)

There’s nothing complicated about training under the Mediterranean Diet.

It’s really going to come down to your goals.

Are you trying to lose weight? Awesome.

Are you trying to bulk up or build muscle? Great.

Are you preparing for your first 5k? Swell.

Depending on your goals, your “Mediterranean Diet” will vary:

If you’re trying to lose weight, you’ll need to watch your total calorie intake. This might be easier with the Mediterranean Diet Food List, as the focus on whole foods will generally be a diet higher in nutrients and lower in calories.

If you’re trying to gain muscle, you’ll need to consume an adequate amount of protein. You’ll likely eat a lot of fish, chicken, and eggs.

If you’re going to start a running practice, you might need some extra carbs to burn off. You may find yourself eating some whole grain pasta here and there.

The definition of the Mediterranean Diet is so broad, that you’ll be able to tailor it to any workout goal you may have.

You’ll just need to be able to define your strategy (by picking your workout goals), so you can create a version of the Mediterranean Diet that fits you!

“Steve, what are some resources to help me start working out? Can you help me begin an exercise practice?”

You betcha!

Here are some resources to help you start training on a Mediterranean Diet:

Beginner Bodyweight Workout: designed for a newbie in mind, many a Rebel have used the workout to springboard their strength training. If you don’t know where to start, start there.

5 Best Strength Training Workout Routines For Beginners: we’ll take you from a fitness noob to a gym warrior in this step-by-step guide.

6 Beginner Gym Workouts: are you like a lost sheep when you step foot in your fitness facility? Wander aimlessly no more! We’ll show you the most effective gym workouts in our comprehensive guide.

The other thing to consider would be our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program. A Nerd Fitness Coach can create a custom-made workout plan to fit your life and situation!

Want a workout program you’ll ACTUALLY do? Great! Learn more here.

7 Common Questions on Starting the Mediterranean Diet

1) “Steve, I had a grandfather who grew up on the Mediterranean and he ate differently than this. Henceforth, this diet is null and void. GOOD DAY, SIR.”

Okay that’s not really a question. And kind of rude. But I’ll address it. I want to stress again that the Mediterranean Diet may or may not be exactly what people in the Mediterranean back in the 1950s actually ate.

And I also want to stress again that it DOESN’T matter!

We only care about results, and that comes from permanent changes to somebody’s relationship and decision making with food.

So if the idea of “Eating like a Mediterranean person” makes sense to you, great!

And if your grandfather ate differently, great! Eat like him and let me know how it goes!

2) “Steve, Italy is on the Mediterranean. Pasta and pizza come from from Italy. So I can stuff my face with pasta and I’m gonna lose weight and be really good looking, right?”

Solid question. Sure. Consume whole-grain pasta while on the Mediterranean Diet, but do so in a MUCH smaller quantity than you’re used to consuming if you are trying to lose weight.

Pasta is generally a side dish in the Mediterranean. It won’t be served to you in a huge giant bowl like it is in the United States. If you do decide to eat things like pasta, do what they do in the Mediterranean, and use it to complement a dish, not BE the dish.

3) “What’s up with goat milk?”

Goats are badasses in the Mediterranean, with their ability to travel over rocky terrain. Sorry cows, step up your game.

This explains why goat dairy is quite common in the Mediterranean.

If you are deciding to consume dairy, a goat might be your new friend.[12] The milk generally contains more fat than from a cow, which fits into our SKMD strategy. Also less lactose, ie sugar. Structurally, some people have an easier time processing goat’s milk than traditional dairy.

Granted, some people find the flavor of goat’s milk off and don’t like it. But Steve can only solve so many problems. I try.

4) “Will olive oil make me live forever? The future is gonna be rad.”

Yes. It will also give you superpowers. Okay, not really. But extra virgin olive oil is great. It’s my go to for salads. Add in some vinegar and you’re crushing it in the “flavorful, healthy salad” department.

However, I don’t think it’s the secret ingredient of the Mediterranean Diet. Most praise of olive oil comes from the fact that in contains no saturated fat. Which is one of the main reasons the Mediterranean Diet became so popular. But it’s still very high in calories, so pouring tons of healthy olive oil on everything could be the reason why you’re not losing any weight!

I personally enjoy and use olive oil, grass fed butter, and/or coconut oil depending on the meal. So, if you love olive oil and put it on everything, great. Just know that it won’t do your laundry, wash your dishes, or tuck you in at night. Or make you live forever. It’s oil from olives.

5) “Steve, can I use canola oil instead of olive oil?”

Despite what other sites suggest with the Mediterranean Diet, I would advise minimizing canola oil consumption and seek out other solutions where possible. Canola oil is a vegetable oil mostly derived from rapeseed, it’s often heavily processed, and actually creates a small amount of trans fat.[13] Bad news bears. If you need a substitute for olive oil, go with avocado or coconut oil.

6) “Do I HAVE to eat seafood? I don’t enjoy the taste of fish, and I believe that “fish are friends, not food.”

I get it. Fish isn’t for everyone. I actually don’t like fish myself, despite growing up in a fishing town on Cape Cod.

I know, sacrilegious.

No, you do not need to eat fish to follow the Mediterranean Diet. The reason seafood is recommended on the Mediterranean Diet is because it’s generally low in saturated fat and plentiful in that region. But again, I’m not a big supporter of reducing saturated fat intake at all costs. So if consuming fish makes you gag, don’t torture yourself. Stick with chicken or turkey. Or…

7) “Should I really limit red meat on the Mediterranean Diet?”

I may be summoning the wrath of the Mediterranean gods with this one (forgive me Zeus), but limiting red meat may be a goal without merit. I know. I can see the clouds and lighting bolts forming now.

But as Rule #8 of the Rebellion states, question everything. Even “wisdom” from the old countries.

And that includes the conventional wisdom of limiting red meat. Yes, I remember that Harvard study that says red meat causes cancer, and I disagree with the fear-mongering that resulted. [14]

If you do decide to partake, go with good quality sources for your red meat (grass fed wherever possible).

Also, as we’ve mentioned earlier, diet differs quite a bit throughout the Mediterranean, and meat can actually be pretty prominent in the form of lamb, goat, and beef. Even pork. Again, the Mediterranean Diet as opposed to what people in the Mediterranean actually eat.

So be true to yourself and do what feels right for you.

My advice: everything in moderation. Including moderation.

However, I apologize in advance if you get struck by lighting after eating lamb chops.

Resources to help you start the Mediterranean Diet

You’re convinced you want to start the Mediterranean Diet today – congratulations!

Need more help?

William Willett, who helped create the Mediterranean Diet Pyramid I showed above, has a book where he lays out all his thoughts on why the diet works. Check out Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy for his argument.

The organization Oldways is more or less responsible for the modern way we understand the Mediterranean Diet, and you’ll never run out of their recipes. I’m still not entirely convinced the organization doesn’t solely exist to sell more olive oil, but that could be paranoid Steve being paranoid. Let me adjust my tinfoil hat…

Also, I’d be remiss not to mention our own Nerd Fitness Academy. 6+ months of at-home workout routines, a whole nutrition model, and a mindset model to help you make sense of everything. If you’ve never stepped foot in a kitchen outside of grabbing milk from the fridge to drink out of the jug, we’ll help!

And if you’re just looking for basic nutritional guidance, we have a free 10-level nutritional blueprint that you can download, print, stick on your fridge, and start leveling up right now.

You can get it when join our Rebellion mailing list below:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

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What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

Next Steps on Beginning the Mediterranean Diet (Plus a Challenge)

Just in case you skipped to the end of this article, or you’re looking for a quick recap, I hear you.

Pros of the Mediterranean Diet.

A focus on REAL food. All of the recommended food choices of the Mediterranean Diet are minimally processed. This is most of the battle on the war on diet. If you minimized the processed food on your plate, you’d be doing most of the heavy lifting when it comes to healthy eating.

Plenty of veggies, fruit. Eating vegetables is the least controversial recommendation on diet that has ever existed. No one questions the advice. This is less true on fruit, but come on. If all the sugar in your diet came from fruit, you’d be in rockstar mode.

Lots of healthy fats. The Mediterranean Diet is not a low fat diet. This is great. You need fat in your diet. Olive oil and fish are a great way to get there.

Cons of the Mediterranean Diet:

Saturated fat may be limited unnecessarily. Without saturated fat, there’s really only a handful of sources left to get fat intake. Granted, as addressed a few sentences ago, fish and olive oil are solid choices. But still, meals will need to be quickly rotated without saturated fat as an option.

Grains, even whole, might not be the greatest idea for some. They are high in calories and can derail even the best laid plans, so only eat if it fits your goals and lifestyle.

Dairy isn’t exactly a homerun if you over consume. Like I mentioned earlier, not everyone handles dairy well, it can contain plenty of lactose (sugar), and calories.

Doesn’t address portion size or calorie amounts. People can DEFINITELY gain weight on the Mediterranean Diet if they eat 5000 calories worth of pasta each day. You have to be smart about portion sizes and not just eat all day every day (which is true of every diet).

It doesn’t address overall lifestyle changes or human psychology. We all know we need to eat healthier – the problem is actually sticking with it! So having a list of food to eat is great. But learning how to make it fit into your lifestyle is even more important.

If you have been nodding your head at the Mediterranean Diet and are planning on going all in with it – you have my permission!

If you are already eating a keto or paleo-ish diet and were wondering if you should switch to this diet, I’d only suggest it if you were struggling with compliance, not losing weight, and not getting results.

YOUR MISSION THIS WEEK: cook a Mediterranean meal for a friend or loved one this week, and make the dinner an event!

Send them this article and explain that Steve gave you direct marching orders to make a meal for a friend or loved one. Together, you can complete this mission. You can even have a little wine if it suits you. And make a toast. OPA!

I suggest making the Avocado Hummus referenced earlier. It’s seriously just cutting up three ingredients, adding lemon juice and olive oil and mixing them in a bowl. Serve them with whole-grain pita chips or sliced veggies.

If all of this is overwhelming, or you need help on making better food choices, you are not alone!

Like I said earlier, we have a community of people who are busy and looking to live better, and a whole team dedicated to helping those people!

If you want help moving on from here, I have three options for next steps. Actions you can take today to jumpstart your fitness journey. I’ll share them with you, but only because you laughed at my cheesy minotaur joke earlier:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives.

#2) The Nerd Fitness Academy – This self-paced online course has helped 50,000 people get results permanently.

There’s a 10-level nutrition system, boss battles, 20+ workouts, and the most supportive community in the galaxy!

Join the NF Academy! One payment, lifetime access.

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so.

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

Alright, enough babbling from me…

Let’s hear from you: After you’ve completed your mission, leave a comment below and I’ll buy you a plane ticket to Santorini. Okay not really. But I will give you a high five if we ever meet on a fishing boat off of Crete. Deal?!

If you started the habit of cooking for company, you’d make Steve a happy camper.

Let me know if you have any more questions, and I hope you can get started on your Mediterranean lifestyle today.

Now pass me the corkscrew!

-Steve

PS: I want to give a shoutout to Nina Teicholz and her book The Big Fat Surprise, whose chapter “Selling the Mediterranean Diet” served as a reference for this post.

GIF Source: Pasta dog, Goat, Atlantis, Pizza dog, Fresh Food, Morpheus, 80s dance, Always Sunny.

ALL Photos Source: Cheese, Morning run with the Fitbit, lego shark, Italian coast, lego scientist, mediterranean dish, bear lego, time to lose weight, Arugula Salad with Chicken, lego newspaper, bird with fish, avocado pasta, greece, red wine, green hoodie lego, goat, bank robbers, mediterranean coast

Footnotes ( returns to text)

Like when U.S. News talks about the Mediterranean Diet.

Here’s one study on the reduced risk of heart attack, and here’s another

Here’s the link to the dementia study

Here’s the link to the Omega-3 study

Here’s the link to the free radical study

Here’s the links to the fatty liver disease and the metabolic syndrome studies

Here’s the links to the weight loss and the waist circumference studies

Here’s the link to the insulin study

Here’s the link to the serving size study

Here’s the link to the smaller plates

Here’s the link to the study on sleep

Seriously email me if you develop a friendship with a goat

Harvard has an interesting article on the subject. Their advice is to find “cold pressed” oils when possible.

If you’re curious, this article takes a closer look at that study in a way that I trust and respect

The Mediterranean Diet Beginner’s Guide (Can You Eat Pasta for Weight Loss?) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/