#the first time I had covid the fatigue just drained me

[likeabxrdinflight]

I haven't wanted to acknowledge this possibility because there is such a psychological component to it, but on day five still feeling pretty fatigued I have to consider the possibility that this illness may in fact be covid

If it is, it's a lot milder this time around than it was the first time I had it. But still...five days of fatigue isn't typical for other viral infections, certainly not head colds, even if it's not as dramatic as it was the first time.

[pencildragon11]

my long covid/chronic fatigue improved SO MUCH last year that I started thinking maybe I'd fully recovered

nope

this month my hubris caught up with me

I've been pushing and pushing toward making biking my primary form of transportation

at first it felt fantastic, not being stuck in a stuffy car, feeling the wind on my face and the pleasant weariness of muscles well-used

then things went gray around the edges and my good mood drained away and I kept pushing because I'd set a goal and it had felt so good, I just needed to get myself out there and I'd feel better once I was going

then I crashed

the thick fog of fatigue came over me and I spent a full weekend nearly catatonic, just a lump in my chair

"oops, overdid it," I thought, "better rest a bit before I try again"

rested a week

tried again, running now on pure determination, desperately reaching for that delicious feeling of being full of energy and cruising through the city streets

this time the fatigue crash hit twice as hard

it's been a week now and I'm still foggy

back to rationing out my spoons

back to gaming every day because it's the only pastime I have energy for as I wait for bedtime so I can fall asleep.

the recovery is painstakingly slow. this weekend I was able to do a bit of housework and go meet up with an acquaintance for a walk.

and I want to be clear: things are so so so much better than they were at the worst. I'm going to work every day. I'm cooking and doing housework and even socializing a bit

but the thick haze of fog is back and I did not miss it

I've accepted that "biking as primary form of transportation" is not a goal I can have right now. Maybe if I got an e-bike with a throttle, the kind I turned my nose up at, the kind you can ride along on without doing any work if you're not up to it.

Now it's just. Waiting and resting as the fog slowly, slowly clears until I can think again.

[angryschnauzer]

I know a lot of people are awaiting an update on As Sweet As Honey, and numerous other stories i’ve said i will continue, but writing at the moment just isn’t happening for me.

Firstly i’ve been told i now have Long Covid. After the NHS telling me i 100% did not have in any way shape or form actual Covid back in January, they’ve since run tests and looked at the ongoing symptoms and side affects i’m still experiencing and have said that ‘maybe it was covid as you’ve now got all the symptoms of Long Covid’... Don’t get me started on their ineptitude of this, but the condition is long the lines of Chronic Fatigue syndrome or M.E, with a side of pneumonia.  Just living my day to day life is exhausting, and any down time i do have i’m asleep.

Unfortunately other aspects of life are also filling my time, firstly my Father In Law has been diagnosed with Dementia (most likely Alzheimer's) but my husband is an only child which means we are having to make the trip from London to Wales about every three weeks at the moment. Its a huge emotional drain on my husband and so i’m picking up a lot of duties we usually share (housework, childcare) and doing them solo so that he isn’t overwhelmed by what is a very rapid decline in his father’s condition. His mum is still living with his Dad in their old family home, but its likely we’ll have to arrange some residential care for FIL soon rather than just visiting carers and nurses.

To add to our stress, our next door neighbours who have been a thorn in our side for the last 13 months are back to their old behaviour; heavy drug use, fighting in the street, and just generally being a pain in the ass. None of our complaints to the owner of the property ever got dealt with properly, so this time we are having to raise a webchat with the police to get a report number, then complain in writing to the rental agency. The continued drug use has had a huge impact on my business as i can no longer have clients come to the house and visit my workshop for Wedding Decoration consultations as i could never guarantee they wouldn’t have to walk through a cloud of pot smoke or worry that their decorations would get to them stinking of it either. I had one client turn up last year as the neighbours were having a full on domestic abuse fight on the driveway we share with them, and understandably even though i explained what was happening, i lost those clients and a £500 job. Come the summer months the smoke means we have to have our windows shut and thus the temperature in our house rises, which in turn affects my 8 year olds Type 1 Diabetes as hot weather increases the rate that insulin is absorbed which means he needs to take more insulin.  I want to make it clear that i fully understand a lot of people use cannabis for medical use, and if people want to use it in their own homes to the point it doesn’t affect other people, go for it. BUT the stuff next door are smoking is not only incredibly potent, its laced with something else. To the point one day last summer i was having a nap on the sofa with the windows open in the middle of the day, and was woken up by smoke pouring in our windows from next door. I’d obviously inhaled some of it, and whatever was with it was making me hallucinate to the point i had to get another parent drive my son home from school as i couldn’t even stand let alone drive... and that’s from passive inhalation. So now whenever we even get the first whiff of drugs from them all our windows are closed. The only plus side is that the two teenagers that may or may not be siblings but are fucking haven’t been seen for weeks. I have no idea where they’ve gone but i also don’t care.

So yeah. That’s what’s keeping me from writing or even stringing a paragraph together. Fun times. Not.

[myalgicencephalomyelitiscfstom]

I’m very grateful for the online chronic illness community and feel it can and does make a positive contribution

--- I was recently asked to submit some comments about my experiences of using the Internet as somebody with an energy-limiting chronic illness. As I was one of many people who were contacted for this article, “Spoonies: who we are and how to be an ally” https://chronicfeminist.uk/2022/09/17/spoonies-who-we-are-and-how-to-be-an-ally/ not all my comments were used so I thought I would share them in this mini blog. This of course is not a comprehensive exposition of the topic. --- I have been severely affected (housebound with dozens of debilitating symptoms) with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (sometimes known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or ME/CFS) since all the way back to 1994. In 1995, I joined my first online forum in 1995 (CFS-L/alt.med.cfs) and ever since I’ve been a regular contributor to online ME/CFS and chronic illness forums and more recently social media. My energy-limiting chronic illness/spoonie condition means I’ve never actually attended an in-person support group in all those years so it’s been great to have access to all the online discussions. One of the things I’m most proud of is highlighting how graded activity/exercise programmes may not just help but can sometimes cause harm in ME/CFS. I wish someone had warned me of this as it might have prevented much of my disability. I initially became ill in 1989 as a sports-mad 16-year-old after contracting a viral infection; I wasn’t diagnosed until age 22: I blame the late diagnosis and the advice to exercise as causing my illness to deteriorate drastically as for the first few years I was only mildly affected and in full-time education. Unlike pharmaceuticals, non-pharmacological interventions like exercise programs are not highly regulated. The harm many of us had suffered from exercise programs was not being picked up. I and others were able to use online media to warn others including in recent years those with similar symptoms following Covid (i.e. a subgroup of those with Long Covid). I would like to think this has prevented some people’s health deteriorating. I was so frustrated by the medical profession ignoring the fact that graded activity programs for ME/CFS very often didn’t work and sometimes caused harm that I eventually devoted a lot of my free time and energy writing to peer-reviewed journals (see: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Tom-Kindlon/research ). I teamed up with others I met online on many occasions. In recent years, national guidance in the field from bodies like NICE and the CDC has changed with graded exercise programs no longer being recommended and I believe what I and others I worked with online helped bring about these changes. Both the internet and myself have changed over the years. Initially I was in some groups for young people who were ill but passing 50 last month, I can no longer be seen as young by any definition. Saying that, I’m still dependent on my parents who do all the chores for me in the family home, freeing me to use my limited energy in ways I find most meaningful. Apart from family life and some limited contact with old friends, most of my contact with the outside world is online. The internet has been a godsend in enabling me to connect with others with similar experiences and challenges in a way that doesn’t drain my energy stores too much. Also, now photos and videos can be shared enhancing the experience in comparison to the 1990s when everything was in text form. Throughout history, some have claimed the latest technologies would cause major harm in weird and wonderful ways we would now consider ridiculous and I think that’s how people should consider claims that it is somehow harmful for people with energy-limiting chronic illnesses to use the internet to discuss their challenges and reach out to others in similar circumstances.

[fairykukla]

Season's Greedings, 2023!

Every year I try to post my Greed List (What I want for Christmas" which includes the even more vital "Do Not Want" list.

Do Want:

1. A functional dishwasher.

We have one, we've had it serviced several times, and I don't think it's ever going to properly wash dishes again. It needs to go away, a new one needs to be installed, and I have terrible decision fatigue about figuring out which one I want. I want it to wash dishes. I don't even fully understand the choices I'm faced with.

You can contribute in one of the following ways: cash or electronic transfer donations to the dishwashing fund, solid recommendations for a specific make and model, or bad "features" I should avoid.

2. Laundry on-site: I own a washer and a dryer. The washer is down in the basement, but has nowhere legit to drain. The dryer is still at my neighbors' house, in the garage.

You can either be part of the team to bring the dryer home and set it up, or throw some cash at the plumbing problem, or offer assistance to solve the plumbing problem.

Those are the Big Things. Here's the little stuff:

A handcrafted card. I'm a sucker for those, and it will be kept, treasured, and probably displayed every year for a long time.

BJD shoes. All my dolls have lost shoes due to the vinyl or adhesives disintegrating. I need all kinds of shoes, particularly in 1/4 and 1/6 scale.

Shoes for me. I need a good solid supportive pair of shoes to wear to work.

Feed my dish collections: black octagonal glass pieces are always welcome. (They say "France" on the bottom.) Also Steubenville Woodfield pieces, particularly the dinner plates which seem hard to find. All colors welcome.

DVDs: we can't stream, so I need hard copies of anything I want to see. I'd particularly like Marvel stuff (especially recent movies, I'm way behind), Leverage Redemption, anime, or something unusual that you love and aren't sure if I've seen it yet. Ditto for CDs.

Funny collectables: I still love gnomes, mushrooms, fairy aesthetic items, the Nightmare Before Xmas, Tea Party items, etc.

Cat toys. My cats like them and I love to play with my cats.

I do like shiny jewelry, but I appreciate handcrafted items the most.

Hand crafted items. Support an artisan and it's like getting two gifts in one.

I still love to get Lush gift cards. One year I got several and it was The Best Xmas Ever.

Toilet Paper. I am always delighted to receive disposable paper products like TP, paper towels, paper plates, etc.

Food: teas are always welcome. Heck, just bring me a bubble tea and I'll be thrilled! Candy is super tricky; I'd rather get a card and warm wishes than candy. Baked goods are welcome early in the season, but I really don't want a bunch of sweets in the house the week before I give up sugar altogether. (Jan 1) There are very few places I can go to eat, but I'd love gift cards for Thai Nivas, any sushi place, Panera, Cafe Mochi, or Pearl.

Food that you canned yourself. Jam, jelly, apple butter, even regular pickles (because my partner likes them) or, if you want to see me happy-cry, pickles with no garlic or onion in the mix.

Experiences: indoor things are fraught. However, if you want to give me a gift card for The London Tea Room (or better yet, offer to take me for tea) I would love it. Outdoor concerts or performances might be ok, but talk to me about it first.

Do not want:

I have a lot of post Covid issues, as well as my pre Covid IBS problems. Add in my Big Sugar Fast from Jan 1st to late March, and suddenly certain holiday standards don't work for me.

No MSG. This means soup bases, seasoning packets, salad dressings, flavored snack chips, etc. It also means no Alfredo or tomato sauces, and no mushrooms.

No garlic, onion, chocolate, coffee, or peanut. None. Zero. I can't have it in the house. Cross-contamination is a problem. If one molecule gets in the food I can't eat it. These were all things I loved to eat before Covid; now they are completely and totally ruined for me.

Try not to make me part of your Christmas cookie baking. May I suggest instead that you bake some salt dough "cookie" ornaments, and paint one to give me for my tree? Cookies and sweets are cruel unless you give them to me very early in the season.

I hope this helps.

[mostlynotwork]

A life update from Mr Menow

Since it's been a while, here's an update from Mr Menow on the state of this Tumblr.

If you’re one of those rare people who’ve been following me on Tumblr for a while, you’ll have noticed posting has gotten lighter as the years have gone on. The type of content on MostlyNotWork has also evolved.

This began as a place to share my polyamory journey, especially my early years with Rainbow. It was also a place where I engaged in some creative writing, inspired as I was at the time by both my experiences with poly and the new relationship energy I had with Rainbow. (And intermittently with others.)

It also became somewhere to document my rediscovery of the joy of reading. After finishing university, very little of my reading was just for fun. I still read a LOT, due to the nature of my work. But it wasn’t reading for fun or personal reasons.

Rainbow prompted me to pick up books again, and MostlyNotWork became the place I collected my thoughts on what I was reading. Over time, it grew to be the main thing I posted, with a scattering of poly pieces and other randomness thrown in.

From my first ‘Year of Reading’ through to the start of the COVID pandemic, I always beat my goal of reading at least one book a month. Initially my goal was one fiction book a month. Over time I expanded to include non-fiction, opening up space to read self-help, biographies and other books that might give me a new outlook.

The pandemic

The pandemic really hurt my reading goals. Historically, most of my reading was on my commute. So when work shifted to being at home, my habits changed.

On the plus side, I spent a lot more time exercising, doing things around the house, and playing ‘Magic: The Gathering’ with Menow Jnr. Once the initial crisis phase of the pandemic had been dealt with, the stay-at-home orders also meant more quiet time with Mrs Menow. Out of necessity, it was also a time where I connected with people online, and some of those friendships continue today.

In the middle ground - I spent more time on my Xbox and PC gaming. They’re things I enjoy doing, but given how much my eyesight has deteriorated the last couple of years, extra time close to a computer screen may not have been the best choice.

On the down side - reading for leisure really suffered. A lot. I thought it may pick up last year when I wasn’t as mentally drained by pandemic fatigue, but it didn’t. 

There were other changes that probably fell somewhere along that spectrum, but I’ll leave those to come back to another time.

Getting back to reading

Reading this year has fluctuated wildly. It started to pick up earlier this year, but after I was let go from my old job (which had me commuting again) the obvious reading time was gone again. Don’t worry, I’ve picked up a new job I’m enjoying. But it’s mostly working at home so... still no commuting time. 

Taking a cue from ‘Atomic Habits’, I’ve looked for ways to weave reading into my week. I’ve also set some more achievable reading goals - starting with three days where I try and read fr at least half an hour throughout the day. That’s something I can hopefully accomplish by picking up a book before dinner or bed. I might even make a habit of taking a book when I go to the coffee shop - I just need my local to reopen.

Other creative ventures

MostlyNotWork has also been a place for creative outlets like my writing and the occasional digital imagery. It might just be the place where I play around with some of the generative AI of a NSFW nature.

So wrapping up… 

So that’s where things are at for now. I’ve got a couple of books almost finished, so hopefully I can get them up soon(ish).  And the AI imagery will just depend on my mood.  Till then, may the odds be ever in your favour, and be excellent to each other.

[angelcatsiel]

Health related rant sorry

I have a convention this weekend and I am kinda scared. I was sick after my last con (tested negative for covid for 5 days in a row, felt a little better for like 2 days, then tested positive with a very faint line for 2 days, then tested negative again, so I guess covid? either it took ages to show on a test, or I got covid just after getting sick with something else). I still haven't fully recovered. Of course I'm still testing negative for covid but god it fucked me up this time. My brain fog and fatigue is worse than ever. I keep having conversations with my boyfriend where I say something, he responds, and then I have to ask him what I just said before that, because I can't remember. I'm trailing off mid sentence constantly, I keep forgetting what I'm talking about mid conversation. Yesterday I got myself a can of coke from the fridge, and when I went to set it down on the table and sit down, I realised there were two other fresh, unopened cold cans next to it, so apparently I'd already got myself a can twice. I spend half my time entering rooms and wandering in circles trying to remember why I'm there. I've been hallucinating, I fell over again today because I hallucinated the cat in front of me and tripped, and it turns out she was upstairs in her hidey hole the entire time. I actually keep falling over way more than usual, especially in the last week or so. I'm utterly exhausted. I pushed myself a tiny bit today for the first time in weeks, and now I can barely move, I'm shaking, typing this is hard and I've literally had to take 3 breaks while writing this to rest because raising my arms is draining.

I've had these health problems my whole life and especially the last few years, but in all seriousness, this is the worst I have ever felt. By far the worst my brain fog has ever been. I forgot my name yesterday. I am terrified.

[cartoonus-maximus]

So, it's the end of another year. I'm just gonna say it right now. 2022 was... not a great year for me. It had it's moments, but as a whole? It was not a fun time.

I found myself without a job once again in January, and I haven't been able to get a new job since. Around this same time, I also received a covid booster shot, and had a terrible reaction to it (which is unusual for me, and not what anyone expected to happen).

I haven't really talked about it on here, but I spent several months of this year sick/in bed, and had to rely on my family to take care of me. My energy was drained to the point where I could barely stay awake for very long at times, my skin would itch and I would break out in hives at random, and sometimes my throat would constrict and I had trouble breathing.

As near as anyone can tell, we (myself, my doctor, the family members who have been taking care of me) think I had an allergic reaction to the booster. We already knew I had medical allergies when I was younger (certain things cause me to break out in hives and make me itchy), so it's not outside the realm of possibility that something in the booster or a combination of things in the booster just sent my immune system haywire.

Thankfully, I'm doing much, much better now. I still tire out quickly, and I'm nowhere near as energetic as I was before, but the other symptoms seem to have dissipated. I don't know if I'm just... always going to be fatigued/exhausted from here on out, but I guess we'll see what happens in the future.

The fun things:

I watched a lot of Marvel movies [link to the list of movies I watched this year] and I read a lot of FNAF books [link to the list of books I read this year]!

This really was the year for Marvel and FNAF for me. I've been reading comics again (my first love!) and I've drawn a lot of FNAF fanarts this year. I've also got a FNAF fancomic in the works, which I'm having fun working on and can't wait to finish enough to share online!

It was fun to sink back into some familiar franchises again.

Speaking of familiar franchises, I participated in Tendershipping Week 2022, which I had a lot of fun with. [link to read my works] First time in awhile I've actually engaged with any fandoms, and it was a good way to spent my last few weeks of summer.

And Monster High came back from the dead again this year! Very exciting times. 😃

So yeah, that was my year. Sickness and distractions.

Here's hoping 2023 goes better.

[sarahpen]

The art of being Yourself Authentically:  Kabataan Essay By Sarah Joy Glorioso 

          Rough patch, a bad day, a major setback. Sometimes, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. And another, and another. We are living through pages of a history book. I wake up in the morning before sunrise to the sound of birds singing a melodious tune outside. I love the scene outside my window: birds are flying gaily in the sky and jumping between the tree branches; a beam of sunlight and a gentle breeze makes my whole day fresh. I lay in bed trying to gauge the time from the concentration of sunlight in my room. The thoughts that keep coming to my mind make me feel like the pandemic is our depressive episode. The feeling empty and have no energy to get out of bed and no plans on eating anything because my insecure self thinks that I'm gaining an extra five kilos everytime i eat. The smallest tasks seem unproductive: painting, reading books and even taking showers, this has been happening for as long as I can remember about my life experience in the pandemic. The novelty of being at home wore off and I started to struggle. I suffered from regular panic attacks, frozen on the floor in my room, unable to move or speak. I had nightmares most nights, and struggled to sleep. It was as if I was stuck, trapped in my house and in my own head. I didn't know how to cope. I immediately reached for my phone charging on my computer desk and spent 1 hour on social media and scrolling through the notifications mostly from messenger, some from  twitter reading news about how pandemic affects our daily lives and single one from Instagram. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and groggily stand up, dizzy and not fully with the world. Slowly pulling the comforter off me and grasping every last moment of comfort. I walk upstairs out onto the terrace and wander around waiting for the rest of the family to wake up. Breathtaking view of our terrace surrounded by trees and fresh air. I meander to the  kitchen and make some toast, milk and cuddle four cats. Taking shower before attending my class session and getting ready for the new environment of the virtual classroom. I have thirty minutes to get ready for my first afternoon online class. Pulling my chair to my desk, clicking the button “on” to start the laptop. Online classes fly by like a breeze. The sixty minutes a class that is put aside can normally be done in forty. Class session effectively ends at noon. I think about going outside to exercise… nah. I turned on my phone and checked my twitter, then I saw the article of students in the Philippines returning to school after more than two years of remote learning due to the Covid pandemic. Well for me online learning is so tiring for almost two years ago, imagine I began to feel the adverse effects of online school while doing homework one night during our second semester. My mind a relentless murmur of the same fatigue that seemed to unfocus my eyes and sway my thoughts during the school day, I spent an hour reading a passage again and again, trying to drill into my brain material I couldn’t seem to understand during the day’s lesson. I had only just finished as the clock struck 3:00 in the morning, an unpleasant reminder that I had four hours left to sleep before needing to get up and repeat the exhaustive cycle. And I’m not the only one who has felt this way — in fact, many of my peers are also drained to the point of collapse. I’ve felt swamped with the amount of work given, to the point that my days have blurred into online assignments, zoom classes, and countless meetings, with a touch of baking sweets and aimless searching on Youtube. I look past it every time to use this quarter since its online class as an opportunity to boost my grades. I've tried to make sense of this type of overwhelming feeling that I’ve never really felt before. Is it because I’m working harder and putting in more effort into my schoolwork with all the spare time I now have? Is it because I’m not having as much interaction with other people as I do at school? Or is it because my classes this quarter are just supposed to be this much harder? Since the time of when the lockdown first began, I have played and watched all the films I have watched, throughout all the boredom and despite all the games, being active on social media have negative impacts on our mental health, we view social media as our real world but the reality it’s not. Social media makes it easy to create a version of yourself that doesn’t always tell the whole story. So how can you tell the difference between social media and reality? We’ve put together a few things worth thinking about if social media is getting us down. How many ‘likes’ do you feel like you need to make you feel good about what you’ve posted online? Social media makes it easy to judge our own value based on how many likes or comments we get on things we share. During the afternoons weekend, I have some time for me where I have re-read all of my books, Novels and writing journals starting with the “ My diary  full of unsaid thoughts ”My favorite chapter of my diary was written when I'm feeling down but sometimes I do feel like IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. REALLY and it’s the title of my diary. I think I have to be strong all the time. I think that I'm not allowed to cry, to admit that you’re not okay. It’s okay to not be okay. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last couple of months. I don’t know if these strange and sudden changes in my mood are part of the grieving process; I don’t know if things will ever go back to the way they used to be. What I do know is that admitting that I’m not doing too well, even to myself, wasn’t easy. Why? Why do we always feel the need to be strong? Why do we feel guilty when taking a time-out? I was overwhelmed with such guilt. How can I sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself, when I have some much to be grateful for? There’s so much work I need to get done, I don’t see anyone else making excuses for themselves. Whenever I’m feeling like this, I get paralyzed with self-doubt. “Oh God, I write about mindfulness and being happy and staying present and here I am, sitting on my bathroom floor, crying, because I had a bad day, wtf is wrong with me?!” In moments like this, I feel almost as if my authenticity is being compromised. It’s just a confusing place to be. Know that your feelings are temporary. Sometimes it does feel like you start to lose control over everything– this is why in my experience, sticking to your regular routine is crucial. A few years ago my mom ended up in a hospital and I had to not only take over some of her responsibilities but also worry about her getting surgery on top of everything, while also working and taking care of my family, driving around all day, going home then going back to the hospital. I felt like I was about to go into a nervous breakdown and end up in a hospital myself. I was tired and irritated all the time. I allowed those overwhelming feelings to take over. I didn’t meditate, I didn’t get my daily workouts in, I ate crappy food, I didn’t keep up with my gratitude journal- I didn’t do any of those things that help me stay sane, happy and motivated. I think that this is why keeping up with your regular routine as much as possible is very important during stressful times. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned during the last couple of months though, it’s that the more you resist feeling “bad”, the worse you’ll feel. Yes, you have to keep trying to get better, but don’t force it- allow yourself to heal and learn to be patient with yourself.  Think of those bad days, like a passing cloud- you can’t see the sun, but you know it’s there. You know that eventually, it will come out. While I love sitting down and reading a book, I also love listening to audiobooks and podcasts when I'm doing things that require my hands or feet, like cleaning the house, walking outside guess what, I'm an afternoon or evening person. For that, I use Audible. It's the largest library of audiobooks, with thousands of must-listen-to reads from best-selling fiction to self-improvement books and everything in between. My spotify is on, the clock is clicking, and the sunset in my room that reflects to my window, is a time when daylight fades and the sun is no longer visible. It 's not the most extravagant definition to represent all of the beauty the sky beholds. The glamour lies within the effervescent sky during a sunset. It combines the serenity of the auburn sun, pale pink hues, and the rich light radiating from the ends of the sky to the last grain of sand in the ocean to achieve absolute perfection. As I remember I always felt like I had a weight on my chest, would start to cry out of nowhere, and couldn't explain why I was always so nervous. Is it the effect of being stuck? One thing that is certain, we know that adjusting to change can be challenging. Be it planned or unplanned, gradual or sudden, change is inevitable and very much part of being human. Over the past few months, we’ve experienced an unprecedented shift in our way of life due to COVID-19. Pre-pandemic, who would’ve thought that toilet paper could become as precious as gold! And now, a trip to a weekly grocery shop seems like an adventure of its own! Before we know it, we’ve (reluctantly) let go of our old normal and now settling into what seems to be our new normal. Even when society starts up again, there will still be restrictions and we are facing fundamental shifts to our way of life. So, what does a New Normal New Me look like? A life of a Student in the Midst of Pandemic.I continued to chase my dreams without really contemplating it. However on the bright side, I found a spark that later on ignited the hope within me. We are now in a circumstance that is far different from the life we had before the pandemic. This pandemic has given me a chance to become more productive and made me become a responsible student. I was able to improve and to learn new things on my own and most  importantly it made me realize that I am more than  a student and I can manage to overcome my weaknesses and this is New Normal New Me essay the upbringing and experience in life during pandemic have shaped me and me who i am today. 

[tombeane-blog]

Does Bald and Pudgy Qualify?

"Say, don't you remember? They called me 'Al' 

It was 'Al' all the time

Why don't you remember? I'm your pal

Say buddy, can you spare a dime..........a smartphone, needle, crack pipe, health care, college, housing, food, monthly allowance, birth control, abortion, safe space, poop bag, tent, pronoun, daycare,citizenship, free bail, vaccination, reparations, toys, clothing, sex change, hormone blocker, wi-fi, internet, broadband..."

...."Hey! Where 'ya going? - Get back here! - I've got more."

"Bing Crosby - Brother Can You Spare A Dime? (2022 revision)

I recently went to see my doctor to get me some sort of quick fix for my problem - like maybe military grade placebos.

"I don't know what's wrong Doc, something is outa' whack.  I was in the pharmatorium line at the Costco today and almost bought some Maybellene Lip Gloss.  

The package said 'Now Contains Hyaluronic Acid' and I got worried 'cause I don't even know if my hyaluronic acid level is low or not.  What if that's it?"   

"But, in the end I didn't get it.  Who knows what too much hyaluronic acid might do to my bronzed six-pack-type body?"

"Be honest Doc.  I can take it.  Whadaya think is wrong with me?"

"Let's not panic and open a giant can of new worms, Tom.  There's always been a lot of things wrong with you.  Let's narrow it down.  What has changed?"

"Well Doc, I find myself withdrawing from everything.  Engaging less and less with everything around me."

"Let's start at the source.  First, let's check you for Covid and gender status - are you still using he/him - and - that #$@ole as your pronouns?"

(My silent 5 second stare)

"Ok Tom, we'll get to that later.  What are your symptoms?"

"My Focus has gone from mostly IN to almost always UN."

"I'm disconnecting from stuff.  I keep turning away or changing the channel or skipping forward or ignoring the front page of the paper or pushing the mute button." 

"As an example - this week's news was talking about Indigenous Inequity.  My eyes glazed over and I pushed mute.  Since I'd never heard of this particular inequity before, you'd think I would want to listen - but I didn't have the slightest interest in learning anything about it.  I already knew it would just be some expert talking about how we need to give someone more money and then some victim moaning victimly things."

"Then there's black inequity, hispanic inequity, immigrant inequity, homeless inequity, women's inequity, transportation inequity, housing inequity, criminal inequity, societal inequity, cultural inequity and people threatened by pronouns inequity.

All requiring lot's more attention, lot's more sympathy, lot's more money."

"Oh, and I forgot - L and G and B and Q and T and A inequity - and just in case we miss a future one - some yet to be named + inequity."

"And then we got the seasons.  All those yearly ads around Thanksgiving and Christmas - plus - dogs in cages and old women bundled against the cold.  

All that stuff the government is providing which ain't never enough.  And they want us folk to give, give and then give a little more.   Says it's just my fair share or something."

"I used to feel guilty when I occasionally saw this and even contributed on occasion.  But now, I'm being made to feel guilty all day every day.  Even made guilty for not being a victim of something.  Guilty for not marching for justice.  Guilty for not feeling guilty.  And every day is a new victim class, a new cause."

"What caring part of me I used to have is numb and what guilt I once felt now just seems drained away."  

"I just feel exhausted and I can't care any more."

"So what is it Doc?  What have I got?"

"Based on what you are telling me, you've had too many victims shoved in your face all day every day for too many years."  

"You have developed an advanced case of Non-Hodgkin's-Specific Acute Victim Fatigue."

"There's nothing cute about it Doc!  And I resent you minimizing my self worth, pain and anguish."

"So what can I do?"

"Just be patient Tom.  Every week some new group becomes a victim of something.  Sooner or later, you'll be a victim too."

"Maybe you already are!"  "Are you a minority?"  "No"

"Denied an education?" "No"

"Branded by low expectations?"  "Only by my parents, teachers and people who know me."

"Addicted to alcohol or drugs?" "Forced into a criminal lifestyle?"  "Maybe and Not Yet"

"Physically or mentally challenged?"  "Huh?"

"Any ancestors or relatives that have victim status?" 

"A couple of black sheep - but that doesn't count does it Doc?"

"Wait!  Wait a minute!  I do have a son-in-law that is Italian.  Didn't they used to be victims back in the day?"

"Well, that's it Tom.  Just be patient and if you are lucky your son-in-law will once again be a victim - shunned by polite society."

So now I'm feeling much better.  It's only a matter of time and I'll join the victim ranks and get me some benefits.

Tom Beane, future Victim-In-Law.

[ahiddenpath]

Coping Skills: Taking Care of Yourself with Creativity

I have talked a ton about what practicing your coping skills means as I learned that myself during therapy from early 2019- late 2020 (I went to learn how to manage my anxiety disorder).  But as the pandemic draaaaags on, as we deal with the extended trauma of worrying about covid, intense routine disruption, loss of jobs, getting sick, and losing loved ones, many of us struggle to continue taking care of ourselves with our coping skills.

So I’m corralling all the stuff I’ve learned on the topic in one place, beneath the cut.

Note: this post is purely about using creativity to take care of yourself, not about boosting productivity or refining skills.

What are Coping Skills

For the purpose of this post, coping skills are how we refill our cup after the work day/day of taking care of other people drains our cup to the last drop.  If you live in a capitalistic country, especially America, which offers next to nothing in support for its citizens, then you know what I’m talking about.  A few years of working often more than 40 hours/week and being lucky to have sick days and vacation days...  It does stuff to you, dude.  Consciously taking care of yourself is vital, but...  I wasn’t taught how to do that or what that looks like until I started therapy.

Here’s what I learned:

-The opposite of work (the job where you make money) is not rest (vegging out in front of the TV, lying in bed, staring at social media)

Just to get this out of the way, vegging out isn’t inherently bad.  Everyone does it sometimes, and if you’re relishing it, then go for it!  (And obviously, everyone needs to sleep- DO NOT decrease your sleep time, it’s literally the MOST important aspect of physical health- read this book from your local library, I beg you).

However.

When I started therapy, I told my therapist how I used to create constantly.  I write, sing, play guitar, draw, and dabble in other things.  But for a while before therapy, I lacked the energy to engage in my hobbies.  I spent most of my precious not-at-work time engaged in passive pursuits, like surfing the internet- and feeling just as exhausted when I woke up for work the next day as I did when I returned from work the previous night.

My therapist starting assigning me homework that was really sneaky art projects (���You can just write this down if you prefer, but it helps to visualize it...  Maybe you could paint it as a tree?”).  When the tasks were assigned, I had a deadline to push me into doing them.  I dragged my abandoned art supplies out and painted, drew, wrote, all of it.

I was as exhausted as ever when I started working on the assignments.  After some fumbling, I was focused and happy while working on them.  It wasn’t until I was showing off what I made to my therapist, with no mention of the fatigue I complained of the previous sessions, and saw her grinning that I understood what she was doing!

The opposite of work isn’t rest.  It’s play!  

Play looks vastly different for different people.  For some, it’s partying and social activity.  For others, it’s sports and physical activity.  For me, it’s creating.  When I’m creating, my brain lights up, my mind and emotions are engaged, I feel excited by the possibilities of what I’m making and the satisfaction of creating something for me.  The important thing is to find what makes you excited and fulfilled, and do it.  

For me, creating releases the pressure in my head.  I visualize my brain when I’m not creating as an old timey boiler, swollen with steam pressure that can’t get out.  Creating is my way of turning a valve to let the pressure out.  I literally cannot take care of myself without doing this regularly.

How to Play When You are Exhausted

Okay, so here’s the thing.  Even if you know that engaging in your hobby is vital to refilling your cup and taking care of yourself, you might struggle to do it!  This isn’t because humans are contrary; it’s because we’re depleted.  I spent my first few therapy sessions like this:  “I’m so exhausted, I can only stare at screens, even though I don’t really enjoy that.”  “What do you like to do?  You need to make that part of your daily routine.”  “I JUST SAID I’M TOO TIRED!!!”  And back and forth, until a mixture of my therapist’s assignments and my own desire to move forward pushed me to create, even if I was tired.

Often, starting an activity is the hardest part.  When you’re exhausted, worn down from years of never having adequate time to take care of yourself, your brain pushes against starting an activity with the old standbys:  I’m too tired.  I haven’t done that in so long, I’ll be terrible at it.  I don’t have any inspiration, anyway.  And on and on, until it’s suddenly bedtime.  There’s this... vicious cycle of being too exhausted to create, then being more exhausted because you aren’t filling your cup by creating, and on and on forever.  Breaking out of this can feel impossible.

For me, the most effective technique is to create daily for a period of time, with absolutely no concern about quantity, quality, or any audience besides yourself.  The point is to show up every day and do the thing, with the simple goal of taking care of yourself.  And if you’re someone with multiple creative hobbies, you can swap between them!  Not feeling writing today?  No problem, I’ll draw.  Don’t wanna draw?  I’ve got a voice and a guitar.  And if I’m really not feeling it, I can read- which always juices me up to write.  The key is to do it daily, for whatever time increment you can comfortably manage, in the name of refilling your cup.

For me, routine is the key thing.  If you find yourself mulling over whether you will create today or not, you’ve already lost!  If I plan a 20 minute writing session, I can easily spend 30 minutes arguing back and forth with myself over whether I should actually do it!  I’ve learned through experience that it’s so much faster and more satisfying to routinely sit for the session than to waffle over it.  

It takes time to really learn that, though- it’s one of those things you have to experience to absorb.  Don’t feel bad if it’s a struggle for a while!

Are You Creating for the Right Reasons?

In my early 20s, I genuinely believed that all the creative stuff I did was...  Sort of a stretch goal?  Extra credit?  Like, “Wow, I work a demanding job, but I still managed to write x number of words and make y number of drawings!”  I didn’t realize that I was lovingly taking care of myself by creating, and I’m not sure if I was mature enough to value that, regardless.  As a 90s kid who grew up with parents expecting me to excel across the board (academics, sports, creative pursuits, behavior, all of it), I saw the numbers I generated and felt proud of that.  I was making stuff!  More stuff than most people!  I wasn’t goofing off in my spare time!  I was *Excelling*!  

Yikes.  I think many people my age (Millennials) were explicitly taught to think this way as kids.  But as an adult, there are no...  You know, “whoever read the most books gets a prize!”  “Whoever ran the fastest gets a ribbon!”  You just, uh, try to get a job, pay the bills, and grasp for happiness in the slivers of time in between.  Your hobby isn’t something you should be trying to win.  I’d encourage you not to morph it into some kind of... competition with no one.

If you post what you make online, you might feel another pressure: to release content on a regular schedule or otherwise engage with your audience.  You might also feel pressure to make something you think your audience will enjoy, even if you’re not super into it.  Or maybe you joined some kind of online challenge, like Nanowrimo or Inktober.

Assuming that creating is your hobby, not your livelihood (I don’t have any experience with that), I would gently encourage you to create in a way that brings you happiness, not stress.  It doesn’t really matter how many words you write or finished art pieces you make.  What matters is the time you spent creating, refilling your cup and focusing your energies to make something that matters to you.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to produce lots of content, though, and there’s nothing wrong with events like Nanowimo or Inktober!  In fact, I like them!  Just remember to take care of yourself, not punish yourself with something you’re supposed to enjoy.

My personal perspective is that, as a hobbyist, I create to take care of myself.  My “create time” is a little daily date with myself to do something I love.  That’s all this is, which sounds so simple...  But for me, it’s literally the difference between feeling like a depleted zombie and like a reasonably happy and fulfilled human.  Wild, right?

In Summary:

-Coping skills are how we refill our cup

-The opposite of work is play, not vegging out

-Daily timed sessions are a great way to make taking care of yourself through your hobbies happen.  Even fifteen minutes can give you some pep!

-If I may, I encourage you to try creating with the sole goal of taking care of yourself

I know I’ve said this several different ways, but our lives are set up in such a way that enjoying the things we love can feel impossible.  I often see people say things like, “Don’t put pressure on yourself to engage in your hobby!  Take care of yourself!”  To me, this is utterly backwards- our hobbies, aka our coping skills, are crucial to self care.  But with our entire lives organized around preparing for work as students and working as adults, hobbies are often seen as... a pressure?  Another darn thing to fit into the cracks?  Something that takes time away from surviving work and accomplishing the absolute basics, like feeding ourselves?    

Funny how something so crucial to our happiness is often the first thing to be dropped in the name of “taking care of ourselves.”

That said, it is so easy to morph hobbies into yet another pressure (see the “Are you creating for the right reasons” section), but doing the thing that makes you happy is vital to taking care of yourself.  The important thing is engaging with it in a low stress way, with the goal of self care.

We need to take care of ourselves now more than ever, and I wish you all the best in learning what that looks like for you.

[serpentinesarang]

long time no see

pairing: woozi (lee jihoon) x fem reader

genre: idol!AU, smut, fluff, second-person POV

word count: 1560

content warnings: cyber sex, mutual masturbation, swearing

summary: society is finally back to somewhat normalcy after covid, and svt finally gets the opportunity to embark on a world tour. woozi has been away from you for about two months now, and he misses you extra, so he facetimes you after a concert while in a fat, juicy  m o o d™️

requested by: @amymoonl​

a/n: #5 on my prompt list ♡

korean key:

⦿ annyeonghaseyo (안녕하세요) = most common and formal hello; pronounced “on-yawng-ha-seh-yo”

⦿ nado (나도) = me too; pronounced “nah-doh”

⦿ jagiya (자기야) = baby; pronounced “jog-ee-yah”

⦿ anyo (아뇨) = colloquial no; pronounced “on-yo”

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Saturday afternoon. You’ve checked off all of the things on your to-do list so far: morning skincare, grocery store, laundry (darks and reds), workout, lunch with a close coworker, post office errand, and even a phone call with one of your parents all the way on the west coast of the US, the country your partner Jihoon is currently touring with Seventeen. 

It’s been a long two-ish years since COVID first hit, and SVT being able to finally set out on tour was the biggest blessing, not only for the boys but carats as well. 

You’re parked on the couch, newly available after a brief check-in with your family. Your phone is literally still in your hand when it abruptly launches an app: “Jihoon ❤️ wants to FaceTime with you...”

Your eyes bug almost out of their sockets, and your jaw nearly cracks off your skull at the sight. Baby boy hasn’t videocalled you in any way in almost a month now because their tour dates were so heavily stacked, and his texts had been alluding to all-around fatigue for everybody after not touring for so long.

But shit! He’s calling you!!!!

You waste no time jamming your thumb against the green circle, the screen loading a dimly-lit image of a topless, black-haired Jihoon propped up with pillows.

“Baby!” you yelp with excitement, extending your arm to capture yourself at a more flattering angle.

“Y/N!” Jihoon yelps back, matching your level of giddiness. He beams a toothy, ear to ear grin and stares at his screen intently, taking in your beauty.

“I miss youuu,” you say with an adorable pout as he turns on a bedside lamp.

“Nado, jagiya,” Jihoon frowns in response, pursing his pink-stained lips. “I still have energy tonight though, so here I am.”

It dawns on you that there’s a major time difference between you two. You glance at your watch, which reads just after 3 PM Korea-time, so that means it’s past 1 AM in Chicago, where SVT had just finished performing a concert.

“Oh, wow... Shouldn’t you be sleeping, babe?” you ask.

Jihoon glances around for a moment, his expression looking a little hesistant. “Honestly... I’m really horny right now.”

Well split me open and butter me up... you think. 

You take in a big breath, scrambling to process your man’s words. “Ah, I see...” You pause for a second to watch him shift more upright against his pillows. “I can be persuaded.”

Jihoon dramatically brings his phone up to his face with raised eyebrows. “I will persuade you, Y/N.”

At that, you feel a lone throb within your clit. You’d be a fool not to indulge him, especially since you haven’t flicked the bean in a solid week because of work.

You sigh, preparing yourself. “I’m waiting,” you reply softly.

Wordlessly, Jihoon aims his camera away from his glowing face and downward to encompass his entire lower half. You can just barely see bedsheets crumpled up against his thighs, but it’s his long, rock-hard boner lying against his stomach that catches your hungry eyes.

“Oh, Jihoon...” you murmur, not a single thought in your mind. You feel a small glob of arousal trickle out of you, so you shift around nervously. “Where are the boys?”

“Some of them are drinking somewhere, and others went to sleep in different rooms. I told them the concert gave me a headache,” he responds after bringing the camera back to his face.

Proud of his craftiness, you nod with a tiny smirk forming. “Smart man.”

“Now, about my problem...” he raises a brow and peers into the camera expectantly.

“Say no more, babe.” 

You reach forward to prop your phone against an empty mug on the coffee table before you, making sure all of you shows on screen. Scooting to the edge of the couch, you tug off your t-shirt and haphazardly tie your hair in a knot. You’re left in a cotton sports bra and yoga pants.

“More,” Jihoon whispers roughly, pulling back his phone to show himself leisurely stroking his smooth, pink shaft. You want to see his balls too, but you know you have to give more in order to get more.

You remove your pants, revealing a rather sexy, red G-string. You hear Jihoon whimper in the background while he grips his dick and slowly pumps it horizontally, the tugging motions finally giving you your peek at his beautiful full package.

“You’re so sexy, Jihoon,” you say in a velvety voice before turning around and kneeing the couch to give him a sinful view of your equally sinful ass, the little red string peeking out at the small of your back.

“Anyo, jagi,” he replies, his voice scarily firm. “Not like you.”

Jihoon flips his camera from selfie mode to alleviate his tired arm, and your view is now a delightful close-up of his languid, horizontal pumping. Now you can make out the precum beginning to ooze at his swollen tip.

Still facing away from your own camera, you tug off your sports bra and chuck it carelessly behind the couch. Once you turn around and sit at the couch’s edge again, Jihoon emits a loud mmm. While you fondle your supple breasts for him, he angles his erection vertically, causing your clit to develop its own heartbeat.

“More, jagi, please,” he begs in a quiet voice, gripping his shaft tighter as he continues pumping, occasionally twisting his wrist for extra sensation.

“Okay, baby,” you nod.

You lift your ass quickly to discard the G-string and then lay your shoulders back against the couch with your gorgeous pussy closer to the camera. You spread your knees as far as possible before digging your heels into the couch cushions beside you. This is a view he would absolutely drop anything for.

Jihoon sighs aloud, stopping at the base to demonstrate the now prominent veins of his shaft. “Look what you do to me,” he murmurs lowly before he resumes pumping, this time at a faster pace.

“Ji, look at how wet I am,” you counter, rubbing the pad of your middle finger against your soaked entrance and carefully pulling it away to show your arousal sticking to your finger in a tantalizing, glistening line.

“Fuck,” you hear him whisper.

You press two fingertips to your enflamed clit and trace light circles, cupping a breast with your free hand and rolling your neck backward.

“I want you so bad, Y/N,” he moans, breathing a little bit louder. You bring your eyes back to the screen to see his precum running all the way down his angry shaft and even touching his thumb. 

You smirk at the sight of how far gone your man is. Picking up the pace on your clit, you take your free hand and slid two fingers inside, thrusting straight in and out at a more casual pace.

Jihoon utters an impatient mmm. “Baby, say something... I miss your voice.”

“I miss your voice calling me a bad girl when I used to masturbate before you came home,” you reply, fucking yourself faster and matching the speed of your clit rubbing.

“Uggghhh...” he groans, slowing his pumping but squeezing the tip hard each time. His precum was still flowing out of him like tears.

“I miss your dick hitting my cervix every fucking time,” you murmured, your voice strained. Feeling yourself free-falling into your pleasure, you curl your fingers inside to press your G-spot, and you involuntarily roll your eyes back.

“UHh,” Jihoon whines at the sight of your blissful expression, and you can tell from this sound that he’s close. You know his noises well enough by now.

“Go faster for me, Ji,” you plead, opening your eyes again and focusing on his deliciously red erection in his small hand.

“I’m so close,” he whispers, fulfilling your request. At this point, his insane amount of precum had started running down to his wrist, and this mouthwatering image shoved you over the edge.

Pressing deeper into your hard clit and fucking yourself so fast that your wrist was aching, you feel yourself uncontrollably clenching on your drenched fingers. 

“Yes, jagi—oh my God,” Jihoon groans, finally spurting thick ropes of cum into the air and against his hand. “Ohhhh shiiiit.”

You couldn’t take it anymore. Jihoon’s trembling orgasm snaps you into your own. You pull your fingers out for him to see your pulsating hole as you shriek in a broken sound of unbridled euphoria, still furiously massaging your clit through the orgasm.

“So hot, Y/N. I wish I could lick you dry,” he declares while tenderly stimulating his frenulum with an index finger.

At last, it’s done. You retract your hand and remain spread open, allowing Jihoon to watch the last vibrations of your shiny hole as well as the considerable amount of fluid draining out of you and between your cheeks.

He switches to lightly groping his balls, angling his camera upward for you to better see. “I can’t wait to cum in you when I get home.”

You sigh, wiped out from the experience. “Ji, I just wanna cuddle you more than anything right now.”

Jihoon flips his camera back to selfie mode, revealing a light sheen of sweat across his forehead and temples. “That too, jagi. I’ll hold you as long as you need when we come back.”

[martinvogt]

Long-COVID and its impact on my daily life

With the end of the year approaching, I am reflecting back to a year which was not what I imagined. 

I had none of the severe symptoms associated to COVIS-19 when I tested positive back in November 2020. I took a test after feeling a bit under the weather, headache and sudden loss of smell. After a few days of illness, after the isolation, I thought I was on the mend. I was wrong.

In mid January I developed new symptoms. From one day to the other, my energy and concentration levels were completely down. Walking outside for just 10 minutes was one of the hardest things to do, looking at a computer screen was (and still is) energy-draining. I became very unwell with even stronger headache, cognitive disorders, muscle pain, digestive problems to mention only a few of them. Optimistic as I was and with all the new years resolution set in stone, I figured this would only be temporary, next week, next month, in two/three months this would all be over and I would be my energetic self again.

Normally I am a very strategic and analytical thinker. But I was unable to manage complex information, to follow conversations and I was forgetting words. I had problems doing simple tasks and basic logic problems. I would normally do these easily. I was tired continuously. There were many days when I slept for 12 hours, yet when I woke up, I felt exhausted like I hadn’t slept at all. My body felt heavy. Every muscle ached. Alongside the fatigue, I developed other issues with sleep. Although I was sleeping for excessively long periods, I would have night terrors and wake up with my body paralysed. Sleeping remains an issue for me. My symptoms left me struggling and I could not return to work. It was really hard because I was in the first wave of sufferers and the impact was not understood.

For weeks, I went through cycles of feeling better, then getting worse again. As well as brain fog, memory loss, debilitating headaches and fatigue, I developed many other symptoms including heart palpitations: I could be sitting down watching television or going for a walk and suddenly I’d feel my heart racing.

A common frustration is that some medical doctors dismiss our complaints as psychological. My symptoms were initially put down to depression by my GP. Feeling like my health concerns were being dismissed, I insisted for a “Long-COVID consultation”, who’s clinic director diagnosed me with “Post- COVID-19 syndrome” and referred me to a long-COVID rehabilitation program.

Trying to stay positive

If 2021 was the number I was aiming for this year, my last few month in numbers reads a little differently. 382 (52 weeks) is the number of days I’ve had symptoms for; 22 is the number of Long-COVID symptoms I’ve had; 12 is the number of pills I’ve been taken; 8 is the number of doctors who gaslit me; 5 is the number of hospital/clinics I’ve visited.

If this seems like a story of loss, that’s certainly in there. What did I lose, alongside copious amounts of my hair? My identity as young, fit, and able. My coping mechanisms; achieving, exercising. The ability to stand up, talk or walk (especially up stairs). The ability to eat normally, drink coffee or alcohol, tolerate heat, cold, changes in temperature or any stress whatsoever. But this is also a story of gain, growth and gratitude. What did I gain, alongside multiple duzend and a strong prescription list of pills? An exciting array of letters to put to my name (not the acronyms your mother wants you to get): PEM, ME/CFS. Some less catchy words too – new daily persistent headache, Post-Exertional Malaise, chronic fatigue, syndrome, quips aside, I gained a profound sense of what I want my life to look like: what I value, what my red lines are. What I will give and what I won’t. 

Debilitating illness can be the ultimate lesson in slowing down, in mindfulness – some times a slowly sipped cup of tea really is the highlight of your day. I have gained a deep understanding of the mind-body-spirit connection and a resonant understanding of trauma, what it is, what it does when it remains unprocessed. I am immensely grateful for so many things; for a family that has quite literally picked me up off the floor, for loving friends, family and supportive colleagues. For being able to advocate for myself, for being able to digest medical papers. For having the access to world leading medical specialists who have listened to me and supported me throughout this. I am particularly grateful for the ability to recognise the limits of conventional Western medicine which, whilst it excels at life saving surgery, at trauma resolution, at cutting edge scientific advances, falls so short with regards to many chronic conditions.

The Breakthrough

But my biggest breakthrough has been in marrying modern science with ancient wisdom, forming a personalised and holistic approach to health that encompasses mind, body, spirit and environment.

I had acupuncture, Physio & Ergo therapy weekly. I have taken the time to test and understand the effect of Traditional Chinese Medicine and psychotherapy weekly. I have taken the time to test and understand my unique combinations of environmental toxins, deficiencies and excesses and I try to practice breath-work and meditation daily.

There's a African proverb I carry with me: "Health is a crown worn by the well, seen only by the sick". When you lose your health, the thing that is most precious, you see what a gift it is to be able to eat the food you want, not having to hide how you feel at work, be present with your family and friends.

I've found a way to still have gratitude for my life, and use this experience as a vehicle to grow. To become the person I was always meant to be. When I experience a pain flare, I don't freak out. I re-regulate myself with the tools that I've learned throughout this journey and cultivate positive emotions that keep my morale up.

Fast-forward to August 2021 and I am working with very reduced pensum. On my days off I sleep for 9-10 hours just to catch up. I still have vivid, terrifying dreams. Before COVID-19, I’d only ever needed 7 hours sleep each night to feel refreshed.

Now, more than a year on from my initial infection, I am slowly recovering – although I am very far from being back to my ‘previous’ lifestyle. In the past few weeks, I feel fresh and sharp again, however my body rebels from time to time for no reason. I was finally able to return to run. I can only manage very short periods, but hey, here I go! I am learning to manage living with long-COVID. This means healthy eating, pacing myself, and incorporating lifestyle tips.

The hardest part of this journey is accepting that I now have an invisibly disability with up and downs.

Let’s try to stay positive and I hope that everyone stays healthy and safe during these sometimes, lonely and isolated days.

Please take care of yourselves and leave a comment if you life.

Martin Vogt

✭Explore. Dream. Discover.✭

www.martinvogt.ch

[giriduck]

Adventuring within the Safety of Home

Huh. Just realized that Breath of the Wild actually serving as therapy for me right now. It is exactly what I need at this time of my life, 2 years into a global pandemic. Much like The Great Animal Crossing of 2020, where 80% of my friends a co-workers all met up and tended each other’s islands, I’m steadily realizing that BotW is helping me cope with the stresses of the pandemic on a perhaps therapeutic level.

Pre-pandemic, I used to travel. My husband and I live pretty frugally; we don’t spend much on material things. If there are any big expenditures, it’s going to be associated with adventures: learning new skills, exploring, seeing new places, etc. Travel is hugely important to both of us. We save money and vacation time so we can see more of the world together; our biggest checklist in this life is a list of countries and places we want to see someday.

Then the pandemic happened. My husband and I have taken the pandemic very seriously, so we hunkered down in March of 2020 as the first cases in the US were showing up, and—aside from one idyllic June when vaccines had fully rolled out before the delta variant rolled in, and a small handful of blissfully isolated Air BnB long weekends within driving distance of our house—we never came out. Everything ground to a halt. I stopped doing all my old hobbies. We stopped seeing friends in person. We stopped thinking about travel because it wasn’t a option. We both started working from home, we watched a LOT of TV, he played a bunch video games that I vicariously experienced, and we’d frequently go for long walks in the neighborhood.

I spent 2020 devoid of motivation to do much of anything except throw myself at work projects, do yard work while listening to podcasts, and exercise a lot as a way to burn off the rampant anxiety of that dumpster fire of a year. Then I spent 2021 in my head; I started listening to music again, re-acquainted myself with the current Zelda fandom zeitgeist, and for the first time in 15 years, I wrote a ton of fic in search of escapism on a very unusual wave of creativity as I just waited the pandemic out.

Here we are, 2 years since the pandemic began, and the omicron numbers across the globe are staggering. With this recent tsunami of new Covid cases, though the policies in our household hadn’t changed much since 2020, it somehow feels like we’re extra locked down. Maybe it all just hits different now, because it’s been 2 years and I’m exhausted and emotionally drained. Or maybe it’s because there is less general alignment on how dangerous things are right now.

Much to my dismay—and envy—I’m hearing about how friends and friends-of-friends are shouting, “Damn the torpedoes!” as they hop on planes to resume their international tourism.

I so wish I could do that, but there is no way right now; in my head, it’s like setting sail into a storm that probably won’t kill you, but would be super anxious and uncomfortable and could seriously damage your boat. Nah. I would rather wait for a better weather window. I don’t care if the symptoms of omicron are minimal for those up-to-date on their vaccines, I’d just rather not. I wouldn’t want to get sick out of town, I’d be worried about spreading it, and I don’t know what the long term effects to my body may be decades from now. No thanks.

So my only goal for 2022 is to take it one day at a time, because the cognitive dissonance and the constant risk assessment for what feels like absolutely everything is just too exhausting to do much else. The fog of war is only out about six feet ahead of us in every direction, so of course I’m not going to try to plan for anything beyond that right now. But that also hurts in its own way, because I thought for sure that we’d be back to normal by now. And for many of my friends, they’re resuming normal non-essential activities as though the pandemic was over (I get it, pandemic fatigue is real and everyone has their thresholds for risk), which I hear about and triggers serious nostalgia and the dreaded fear of missing out (I stepped away from Facebook mid 2020 for this among many other reasons). Every day I’m finding myself mourning the life we all had before the pandemic began.

Of course, while locking down helps ensure safety and minimizes pandemic anxiety, the trade-off is serious cabin fever. I’m more fidgety and irritable recently, and my patience is so much less than it used to be. I’m just tired and frayed.

While running around Hyrule after work last night, I found that I’m more distracted by climbing and roaming and seeing what’s over the next hill than I am actually progressing the campaign. There were a handful of places in Ocarina of Time that captured my imagination that I just loved to hang out in and study, but I typically keep to the golden path and try to get through games quickly. That means unresolved side quests, fewer heart containers, lower level weapons, and repeatedly getting my ass handed to me by Ganon until I get back out there and grind some more.

But this game… I just want to explore. I want to sightsee. I want to soak in the environmental storytelling, take in the architecture, relax by a pond, watch the weather change, see what’s around the next corner, and get completely turned around and lost.

Hyrule has become a destination. Stuck at home for 2 years, that sense of discovery and adventure was missing in my pandemic life, and I am astonished at how well this game is filling that void.

I’m so glad I waited 5 years to play this game, at a time when I genuinely need it. 😂

[abs0luteb4stard]

A month or two ago I thought I might have a reprieve for a bit, it's been semi-insane.

Both from external and internal things.

My dad is the first thing. Always.

His health is a drain at the best of times. He's just been a real chore. There's no time for anything. Harder than raising a child.

We're his caretakers, that fucking asshole stroke. It's a crushing hard thing to work with. Fucked his memory, his initiative type thinking - were have to do all that for him, and physically too. He can't have his cane any more because he gets a mood swing from his stroke or he gets mixed up and he uses it as a weapon.

So we have to walk him to toilets and things. Not that he can find them on his own. Strokes. They are will breakers, man.

Then it's just been external problems all over, trying to get ahead of "an avalanche of fuck".

TV Is on the blink. It works periodically, gotta go out and find one. Need a new TV cabinet for years. I've repaired it more times than i can count.

I've got limited room, so everything has to be measured and ask that - finely!

Then internally I've gotten fucked by a wall of depression. It just came up or of what feels like nowhere, but in retrospect I think everything external going on just stackedthat pile of shit higher and higher. And being busy and distracted with doing, fixing, helping my parents, going out using up my anxiety thresholds on shopping for the household, with socializing, counting money, "please & thank yous", all that fucking shit.

That fucking going out, and being in social situations, when my PTSD is linked to being in social situations, being bullied and harassed and sexually harassed as a kid in school by evil fucks... And putting all that aside, to do what I need to do so we can function and survive in this pandemic so I can spare my parents health and probably save their lives that much...

I had a few meltdowns in the going out... I had to find a empty isle and cry a bit. Or just pretend to be looking at gardening and patio stuff so I could be in a quiet area of the store.

I've turned up the music in the car and just screamed like a manic psycho killer to decompress.

I've done it all for my parents and me.

I've had fibromyalgia blow-ups. Crippling goddamn. Motherfucker pain. Limping like I got fucked by a rhinoceros. Stiff legs, goofy looking, humiliating feeling.

It is SO MUCH SHIT.

It just all broke through the last month or so.

I got my first half vaccine Thursday, right? But I had to avoid Advil, Tylenol, and my antihistamines because they lower the efficacy of the vaccine and I was already achy and fatigued as my regular dumbass body is, and then I was in fatigue and aches from the shot!😅

It was like the flu shot. Every year for 2 days I'm uselessly tired. But asst least I'm not feverish and puking my intestines out.

So same really applies to the Covid shot part 1. I know part 2 is bit more of a doozy, but at least I have 20 days before that hits me.

Today I felt like the smoke cleared a bit.

I still have no time for anything. Except what must be done. No down time.

Just balls to the wall. This life is a 36 hr day. Everyday. Even when I lay down to rest my fibromyalgia and whatever else, not sleeping, just stretching out. It's part of the chores. It's a job to relax even. Because it's a necessary rest stop to compete the next harrowing task.

Nothing is easy these days. Even when the Smoke clears. But I'll take this small sunlight.

I'm just waiting for those less crammed days I can attend myself.

[ilikeyoucomic]

Life/Comic Update Aug. 9th, 2021

Hey frens. No, the comic isn’t cancelled, we’ve been over this.

Just wanted to reach out because I feel like I’ve been kind of silent and absent in a lot of places recently and just wanted to...I dunno...mention it?

As you may know I was laid off from my stable income in February and after circling the drain of depression and fear from that I’ve been trying to find employment to no avail. Yes, despite being told to my FACE that businesses are crying for help, I’ve been rejected from every job I’ve applied for.

I am in a fortunate enough place that I have a financial safety net, although this is obviously not going to last as long as I’d hoped - my rent went up, my electric company decided to up their rates, and food costs are stupid. Honestly if they wanted to get rid of people who are loudly anti-capitalist like me maybe they shouldn’t make things so awful but I digress...

The Patreon currently doesn’t even cover my weekly grocery bill. This isn’t to guilt you into joining but to remind you that I have one. I’m terrible at marketing myself but I’m trying. I started sewing little plush frogs and everyone I talk to wants to buy one so I’m looking into finding a way to make that happen.

Other than financial bullshit, I’ve been kind of slacking off on art, too. Not out of lack of interest but because of an array, a gradient even, of physical issues I’m trying to deal with (with no insurance). I’m 90% sure last year I contracted COVID before lockdown happened - it’s left me with breathing issues that at first I just chalked up to being overweight and a blob with nowhere to work, but as time has gone on it’s becoming apparent it’s more than just my love of cheese. I’ve also started experiencing a lot of fatigue, body aches, brain fog - the usual. I’ve been just blaming it all on my lifestyle choices but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because I’m in pain, tired, unfocused, confused, and lack desire to do anything.

Now please don’t be worried too much. I’ve been dealing with it in bouts since last year, it’s just kind of a part of me now, but I still have great days and take in beauty, serenity, joy, and love at absolutely every opportunity. I still get up and go for walks when I’m able. I exercise when I remember to and other than late night binging, I’m eating better. None of this would be possible if I had a job, to be fair, and work sucks, so I am just trying to stay afloat and EXIST the best I can.

There’s a lot out there I can’t control - climate disaster, cost of living going up, social collapse, a pandemic, being stuck in my shitty apartment because there’s no such thing as rent under $1000 in my state...but I’m doing what a lot of us are: just surviving. Making sure those that I care about and love are surviving. Keep your heads up.

Anyway, this was a lot of rambling. I’m getting my schedule back in order so I can make art more consistently. While I’m typing this my body aches and I want nothing more than to lay down for a bit and given that it’s a million degrees outside...I think I might do that.

My time belongs to me...I’m pretty lucky to have that.

Take care of yourselves and each other and, as always, I hope that future endeavors do not disappoint.

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