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thatordinaryoddity · 1 year

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nobody talk to me, nobody touch me! i. am. not. well.

in fact, i‘ll never be normal again. this altered my dna and changed my personality and made me a brand new person.

i‘m going to live with the fishwives in their new spring flashback and bamboo fuck hut until i get further notice that the wives are fucking again (fucking each other and not fucking each other over).

#trauma dump #the flashback is my only home #or fix-it fics #or AU #the wheel of time #siuan sanche #moiraine damodred #wot show spoilers #the wheel of time spoilers #wot s2 spoilers

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fraternum-momentum · 2 months

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car fray when

me when i FUCKINBG GET YOU

#pls stop giving me flashbacks to that one cars era i am begging #those were the dark days a very very very dark time where i wasnt hyperfixated on anything #i was desperate and the only thing i watched during that time was cars #and now I AM BEING PERSECUTED? HUMILIATED? IN MY OWN HOUSE?? MY HOME??????#froodles #franswers

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deus-ex-mona · 25 days

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i miss her…

#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all #but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up #a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less #and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads #anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time #he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often #my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know #i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona #i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye #oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man

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infinitelystrangemachinex · 5 months

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Mel for the unhinged character bingo!

yessss YEEEESSSSSSSSS

#ask me #so Mel is in the unenviable position of being a very strong character whose rights I support and whose wrongs I also fully support #BUT the way she's treated broadly in the fandom is so pervasive and so consistent and so frustrating to me that #I am in full -must protect my blorbo- mode with her at all times #-Mel's story is over so the only thing left for her to do is die-#-if Mel dies then J can get together with V and they will appreciate her for her sacrifice bc she died a hero who rejected Ambessa-#enough! enough I say!#what about proving to ambessa that she can take the throne for herself? what about the angst of defying her mother and her home country #and opposing those in Piltover who DO want war and want to raze the undercity #what about the magic that she's heavily foreshadowed to have and how it's different from hextech #and how it directly opposes but also parallels what is happening to Viktor #what about her -friends- abroad and the plot Mel was cooking through all of season 1 that has not been revealed yet #there's so much potential for her to have to confront the fact that J was slowly becoming a monster through season 1 #and that she can't ignore the undercity forever #also what if whoever Ambessa says killed her brother comes after Mel too!#it is very frustrating to see Mel get dismissed as dead or evil or irredeemable or whatever when she is consistently #the most interesting person in the room in every single scene she's in and the character who shows the most conviction and change #so yeah i will take a bullet for her she is my blorbo I will despise any character who hurts her #and I would cradle her in my arms if she gave me a chance - which she would never! - but a girl can dream #however I also enjoy leaning into the idea that Mel is perceived as being a devil from the outside - Mel leans into it too when it serves #but it's in direct opposition to her ironclad values and the personality that she keeps hidden a layer down #I genuinely think that Mel will have a happy ending - or at least as happy an ending that an Arcane character can get lol #like I fully believe she will take the throne (Piltover) in the end but I can only guess at this point what that will cost her #I love putting Mel in situations but mainly to play with both how creative she can get and also how fucking far she will go to win #which is ANOTHER thing we know is probably true about Mel but has not been put on display yet #also Mel has already done a great job at separating what she wants for herself as a person from just being Ambessa's daughter #but Mel still deserves to get plenty of great therapy for that situation because OH GOD THAT CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK #also Kino is dead? maybe dead?? at least Mel fully believes he's dead so she needs therapy and hugs for that too #I am super normal about her can you tell

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thewindandthestars · 7 days

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Should not have gone onto twitter while feeling like shit because tell me why I'm on the verge of tears simply because i saw Venti angst

If this mother fucker dies or we have to fight him or some shit I will actually sob. I will grieve. I will not be okay for a very long time.

#: ̗̀➛ 𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖔𝖓 rambles ✧˖*°࿐#This is what happens when you're possibly on the spectrum #And you love characters so much that they are like real people to you #Like not only am I head over heels in love with this little shit #He is literally my comfort #My home so I will actually act like a widowed wife #Grieving her lover #I'm having flashbacks to when Draken died in Tokyo Revengers #I legit stopped reading the Manga for a while because I grieved for his death #Only for this motherfucker to come back to life (thank god)#BUT IT WOULD BE WORSE IF VENTI DIED #SO MUCH WORSE I'M NOT EVEN JOKING

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thats-my-passion-right-there · 4 months

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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god

#thoughts #oni talks #mean girls 2024 #I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits #and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh #I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot #since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe #I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD #like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either #half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol #leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially #like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way #via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent #but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one #like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story #like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if #she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s #so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing #I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out #like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean #more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too #biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind #closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very #like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story #could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with #that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family #also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like #iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for

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home-eater · 5 months

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Ngl whoever created/discovered this anti anxiety medication fucking SNAPPED😭😭

#like wow who knew it was possible to think only one thought at a time #or simply to an action without being smothered with thoughts of self criticism #or worry or flashbacks #Like people really live like this??!?#Like I got home and actually heard silence for the first time in years #like not the weight of my billions and billions of heavy thoughts #shits crazy

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waheedawolf · 7 months

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#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over #stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that #the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no #way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try #to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying #things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she #just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was #spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she #didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively #asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a #bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i #didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to #embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my #brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going #to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave #she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this #i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad #delete later

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wygolvillage · 2 years

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i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will n

#if you dont take into account that albus is just as traumatized by barlowe as shanoa is you are wrong about him ok #and so many of his illogical actions can be traced back to how he responded to his trauma #and i literally discussed this EXACT TOPIC in the ooe section of my video #like. you can criticize his actions but to imply that albus never cared about shanoa *as a person* is fucking stupid and youre going to die #like. are we ignoring the line from pre-amnesia shanoa in that flashback that implied she wouldve done exactly the same thing for him #are we ignoring that so much of what happens after albus's death is driven by shanoas own agency #albus never knew the whole truth. shanoa chose to find it. shanoa chose to raid the castle. shanoa chose to use dominus anyway despite #albus's wishes because she saw saving humanity as more important.#albus had no part in any of those decisions #'ooooeh albus had a big brother complex and cared more about protecting shanoas innocence than her life' im going to kill you #he gave up the only home he ever had he made himself the enemy to everyone who ever cared about him he gave up his life twice #and yes he could have told her. but loyalty towards barlowe had been so engrained in the both of them #even when he found out barlowe lied he was like 'no he would never do that to me' at first. like genuinely #hes scared of the idea of control being taken from him; because it already had been #and his attempts to actually have any control over the situation got the autonomy OVER HIS BODY stolen from him via possession #idk banging my head against the wall. the game is more nuanced about this idea than you think #i am an albus defender till i die. goodnight

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nerdie-faerie · 1 year

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I fucking hate sending emails where I'm trying to find out information because I feel like I have to be super specific with my questions in order to get what I need - and this is dependant on me knowing everything I need to ask about - only to still not be given the answers I need

#emails #ace is a mess #im stressing lads im tryna sort out rent and sht and im tryna find out about summer stay options which they havent mentioned at any point #so im enquiring if there is any and if they even do it at my current halls or only at the other halls cus if thats the case in gonna need #help moving my sht but also like how much it costs and how its paid like weekly installments or one lump sum and i specifically asked how #much rent is as hell as how and she just told me the weekly rate thats paid up front but not how much that is? she also started the email #with we dont have any currently and am trying secure more but then went on to phrase the email as if it was an option? including asking #whether or not i was still interested? like gurl i need to know if i can stay here over the summer to work to pay off my tuition and also #so i can figure out when im going home if im going home and if i need to find storage solutions instead and thats not even considering #sorting out next years accommodation im so stressed. i also had to email about the deadline for my tuition fees and they werent helpful #either unis seem to be so fcking unhelpful when it comes to giving information its giving me flashbacks to last summer which is not helping

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graysongraysoff · 2 years

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lmao well. my boss (who i really, really like) just called to tell me she’s accepted a new job. so. cue the fucking horrors ig.

#having war flashbacks to being hired at my last job by a bunch of people who seemed pretty cool and then having them all leave #within the next like two years #you ever forget you had a like borderline traumatic experience and then get triggered lol #like obviously i'm happy for her!!! i genuinely think she deserves the world #and her new job is going to be closer to home and i can only assume it'll pay more which she absolutely deserves #like she's been my boss for less than a year and has shown me how incredible it can be to work somewhere when people care about you #but it is just like #bringing up very unpleasant memories of every other time i've gotten a new boss #and i don't want to go through that again #work tag

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inmirova · 2 years

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this is the most important thc for me <3

#literally i did just wake up in a new life by the seaside 2 months ago. the blissful distant wash of waves 😌💜#and im spending today w my friend gathering the shit im not keeping from before to donate or throw away which is like #huge for me as someone who doesnt like to throw things away?#i have a baseball my dad gave me when i was 4 that i made him sign. i have every birthday card ive ever gotten #so like the fact that i am willingly throwing away postcards is a big thing yknow? it feels good though #& literally the only thing im keeping from them is a dinosaur-shaped planter and the plant it came with #keep almost none of it only the flowers on the windowsill etc etc #and then we're planning on breaking into a boardwalk by the beach thats closed til april later :^)#i made too many pastries for a shabbat thing i did last night so those will be coming. things are good 😊🥰#had trouble sleeping for ages bc of flashbacks that started like late november and i slept over this friend's place for a couple wks #back home now but like. ugh i love people i love my friends!! i love to support them and be supported by them! fuck everything else yknow?

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fingertipsmp3 · 2 years

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That ‘is this UK uni accommodation or a Swedish prison’ game is so funny but also so depressing

#literally it’s bringing back flashbacks of my final year of undergrad when i realised i was going to have to live on campus #or close to campus because i’d forgotten how to drive because i’d been in america for a year sans car #but then i missed the deadlines for good acommodation (because america) so i went for the cheapest option that was still available to me #which was a room in a building that ended up being CONDEMNED at the end of that academic year #guys it was so bad. there was racist graffiti all over the walls because no one had any respect for the place #broken glass in the courtyard. no lounge; you had to sit on the metal stairs to hang out #the stairwells just had brick walls. the kitchens were built to be shared by 6 persons maximum but forced to house 9 so they were so cramped #it was unbelieveable. i started eating at weird times so i wouldn’t have to awkwardly stare at someone while waiting for a counter/stovetop #to be free. on top of this there were wasp and silverfish infestations; my window was so drafty that hailstones came in once #the mattresses were full of fiberglass and felt like they were made up entirely of springs; and there were ground-in vomit and piss stains #on my chair and floor #and i paid ~£90.50 per week~ for this #the only thing that kept me sane was the free bus pass. i never missed a class and i went to campus every single day #and attended tons of random events and guest lectures just to not be in my room. i’d be the only person in the library at 8am on a sunday #my flatmates were a bunch of insane first years who drank and screamed at all hours so that didn’t help either. i didn’t make any friends #it was just so bad. there were never any community events taking place either and i saw the RAs exactly once. they were completely useless #reception nearly lost the kindle i ordered. i thought about doing laundry once and saw that the laundry room was absolute unmitigated chaos #so i was like ‘fuck it i’ll just wait until i’m home next weekend’ and i went into town to buy clothes to tide me over #it was just such a horrible experience. and i hate that it’s a universal one #uk universities are really like ‘give us £9k in tuition fees and also pay an arm and a leg for your accommodation.#no we will not be improving our accommodation’ it makes me fucking crazy. like where is my money GOING #you find out they spent millions refurbishing a building that didn’t need to be refurbished and you’re like. you could’ve replaced #the carpet in my room for maybe a couple of hundred quid considering how small the room is #pisses me off. my advice to undergrads is visit potential halls of residence and read reviews of them #and don’t just let them dazzle you with the tour where they only show you the good rooms - poke around. see if there’s damp or wasps #look for stains. etc. or better yet; find a half decent landlord and rent a room in a house #i had a way better time during my master’s and it was because i talked to landlords and visited their houses and brought my nosy mum #and i picked a landlord who only housed postgrads; mature students & professionals. you couldn’t pay me to live in halls again #personal #rant

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doctor-disc0 · 25 days

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I want to make an Elder Scrolls character based on my last D&D character but it's. Very hard. Because she was such a unique and weird character that it is hard to translate that into an in-game character (info on her and my thoughts about how I could adapt her into an es character below the cut).

Her name was Eva "Halfblood" Akannathi, and she was a half-orc, half-goliath 18 year old bard (college of valor). But she was kind of an unconventional bard. She hated lying and dishonesty. Like, really loathed it. This girl has not lied once in the 18 years she's been alive and does not plan on ever doing it. She also considers illusions to be a form of lying.

This made playing through the campaign very interesting. At certain points of the campaign, she had to roll wisdom saving throws whenever her party had to lie to someone. If she succeeded, she managed to keep quiet. If she failed, she would blurt out the truth. She also disliked whenever her party members lied about anything. It didn't matter if it was for the greater good. She would rather die than tell a lie, and she wishes others felt the same.

Now, adapting her into a playable Elder Scrolls character is a bit tricky. You would think going with the Bard class would be the obvious choice. However, one of their major skills is Illusion, and given Eva's stubborn dislike of illusion, that's not exactly going to work. I could, of course, make a custom class, but I have so much anxiety about getting custom classes exactly right that it ends up just stressing me out whenever I try to create a custom class. But, maybe I'll try a custom class. That would probably be the best.

The race is a little less tricky, but there's still that "damn, I wish I could choose two races." Her in-game race would probably be orc, since that's the race she looks the most like. In my head, though, I'm thinking she would be half-orc, half-nord. I mean, D&D goliaths are resistant to cold damage and are tall, and Nords are basically the same, even if their coloration is different (goliaths have greyish skin and markings on their face, whereas Nords have white skin and no natural markings). What I really wish I could do is just take the cold resistance from Nords and just replace the Orc berserk thing with it because going berserk isn't really Eva's style lol (she's no barbarian!). But whatever, I suppose she can survive without her cold resistance.

It just really sucks because I loved playing her so much in D&D, and now that that campaign is over, I kinda miss her. But she's such a weird character that she's hard to play in any other setting.

#tesblr #d&d #I think maybe I just need some encouragement #I think it would be fun to play her in tes #I don't think I could play her in Morrowind unfortunately since the main quest requires at least one instance of lying #but I think every other tes game should be fine #I feel like Skyrim would probably be the closest to what our campaign had been #(we did Icewind Dale: Rime of the Frostmaiden)#ANYWAY #yeah Eva was a funny character #fun fact I made her character because I was trying to think of the funniest race and class combination #at the time I only had access to the basic D&D races and classes/subclasses (created her on D&D Beyond)#so I went with the super strong race(s) paired with a support class known for talking their way out of combat #also fun fact she was raised by yetis after her father died up until she was 12 years old #when she was 12 her yeti parents left and never returned (she assumes they were killed by adventurers or something)#and she wandered around for a while until she eventually stumbled onto the roads in Ten-Towns #and my 1st character of that campaign (a drow/dark elf cleric of knowledge) found her #went 'oh you poor thing. come home with me I have an extra room in my apartment'#and yk. basically adopted her. unofficially.#they called each other 'roommate' but they very clearly had a mother/daughter relationship #my drow cleric actually ended up dying very early in the campaign (got insta-killed by a guy with an ice sword)#Eva joined the party after that because her dream was to go on adventures and Yllalana trusted her party to keep Eva safe #Eva survived the campaign btw. unfortunately when they defeated Auril she got cursed #the curse was actually essentially ptsd. cold gives her horrific flashbacks #she ended up moving south to Neverwinter and works at a local tavern there singing songs and telling stories of her adventures #oh she also ended up losing an eye near the end of the campaign #however after the campaign ended our tiefling undead warlock gave her a magic eye to replace her old one #it's a mood eye. changes colors depending on her mood. super cool #anyway yeah I really miss her. she was a very fun character to play

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pa-pa-plasma · 2 months

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look i know it's probably just really petty (it isn't, the whole message of this episode, even ignoring the twitch namedrop, was disgusting tbh) but i don't think i'll ever get over how one day at a time decided to alienate an entire chunk of their audience because of an assumption/stereotype they decided to not look into at all before making a whole ass episode about it. "oh just get over it" THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SUBSCRIPTION IS. OR AN EMOTE. I DON'T EVEN THINK THEY KNOW WHAT STREAMING IS LIKE GENERALLY. TWITCH IS FREE. THERE IS NO PAYWALL TO USING THE SITE OR APP. THEY COULD'VE JUST LOOKED THIS SHIT UP OR ASKED SOMEONE WHO USES IT. DO YOU SEE HOW STUPID & FUCKED UP THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS COMPARED TO EVERYTHING THAT CAME BEFORE IT. I CAN'T GET OVER IT.

#i cannot describe my reaction to seeing this episode as anything but shellshocked #like i was sitting there & the next episode started playing but i was going through fucking war flashbacks i was NOT present #a hundred subs earned her $0??????? bitch what the actual fuck #''gamers are hyper-aggressive losers & working from home isn't a real job get off your ass & do manual labour!!!'' what the fuck dude #i think it just came out of fucking nowhere because they were all ''we're queer friendly!! we talk about mental health!!!''#& then they hit you with the ''but you should still do manual labour to get paid & also video games are the devil''#the absolute whiplash of going from genuinely progressive to satanic panic & pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality #for the record it has literally been YEARS & every once in a while i remember & sit here in agony #like yeah dude no fucking wonder your show was cancelled you just told your entire audience gamers suck & working from home is lazy #& then got every single detail about twitch wrong. like it was a game to see how many details you could fuck up at that point #what's the point in namedropping twitch if you're not even gonna like. get any details at all even remotely correct #i cannot be the only person who couldn't watch it after that like the whole thing was stained for me #like great they support trans people & taking medication but if you can't do manual labour or you speedrun for a living you're a leech #& look i know people view twitch as a cesspit but there are a lot of cool streamers. like look at GDQ #do not blame the entire gaming/speedrunning community for the worst people there. we also hate those guys

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xxlelaxx · 5 months

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Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard

#ignore me #my life has been too good lately and I'm starring to go insane from everything working #i hate myself so much #I've been trying ao be more social and be a good mom and be someone that my daughter can look up to and my husband can love #but it always ends up with me hating myself so fucking much #I've been eating too many sweets which already is setting a bad example qhen it comes to a healthy diet and my media consumption has been #worse lately and my anxiety is now making me unabke to sleep and I've stopped going on daily walks cause the pain is back #it was so nice not having it around for a while and it is makibg everything so much harder #the sleep makes me more irritable and i feel like all i do is fail my baby #my husbans said he doesnt feel loved by me anymore and I've been trying so hard to manage household baby and everything else but its not #enough i always feel like I'm never enough #I've been a horrible friend like always so i guess that is a constant thing in my life #as if that isnt the worst when my mental health gets worse i start getting flashbacks to remind me of everything that went wrong with me #and that just fuels my anxiety around my daughter living through everything i did as a child and i just cant do this #i just wish i could sleeo again #i think all of this is sleep deprivation but i don't know how to do everything without losing sleep or something #i just wanna rest and sleep for more then four hours without veing woken up #god what i would give for eight hours of continuous sleep #but my husbands shifts are so shit that i cant do that to him... also now that I'm at home he's the only one working and I'm terrified of #loosing him so i dont want him to be at work without sleeping well cause it could actually kill him #worst of all I'm just too stupid to ask for help or bother anyone with my stupid problems #and every time I'm away from her she just screams and i just can't take her screams anyo #anymore #i just want to pee and ahit and eat in peace

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