#the more time passes the more I find myself appreciating Lindsay

[starryluminary]

Peace and love ❤️ And peace ❤️ And love ❤️

[midnightsconspiracy]

Office Romance?

Office Romance? - @midnightsconspiracy

Summary: It's Mouse’s first day in the 21st district. Jay introduces him to the whole team, except you who seems to always be out until you finally meet at Molly’s and completely hit it off

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2193

Requested: Nope but my requests are currently open

A/N: This is my first time writing for Mouse and the longest fic I’ve written, so hopefully everyone likes it! :)

Masterlist

It was Mouse’s first day in Intelligence, it was finally the day that he was going to turn his life around. No longer living in sketchy areas and gaining felonies but instead becoming a legit member of society and working for a reputable institution, the Chicago police department. He had been recommended to the boss by his friend and former military buddy Jay Halstead, who unlike himself, had managed to get a proper holding in society after being discharged from the Rangers. This was finally his chance to show Jay and everyone else who cares about him that he could do something else good with his life and that he was more than just his time in the military.

Meeting Jay outside the district, the two men embrace in a warm hug, briefing saying their hellos and reminiscing on old times before they ascended the stairs. They pasted Sergeant Platt, Jay giving her a small hello in which she ignored and Mouse, despite having only met her once, gave her a polite smile. Punching in the passcode alongside his handprint, he unlocked the door climbing the second set of stairs up to the place he would call ‘home’ for hopefully years to come. Reaching the top Jay paused, Mouse quick to follow his actions.

“Guys this is Mouse, Mouse this is the Unit. That’s Dawson, Lindsay, Olinsky, Atwater, Nadia, and Sergeant Voight’s in his office.” The people in the room all averted their gaze from their own individual work, with Voight even exiting his office to greet him as well, to greet the newest member of the team, all presenting him with a momentary smile, short greeting, or handshake.

“Oh and Y/LN and Ruzek are currently out chasing up a lead right now but should be back soon,” Jay quickly followed up, trying to familiarise his buddy up with as much as possible to make him as comfortable as he could, knowing mouse struggled with rejoining society.

“Ok-k, well it's good meeting everyone, and I hope I can be of assistance to you all,” he mumbled out nervously, he admired Jay and Voight for giving him this opportunity but it still didn’t stop the feelings that they had a level of superiority over him due to their jobs. Taking him downstairs to his own tech room, he prompted Mouse to take a look around to get accustomed to his surroundings.

“What do you think buddy?

“I think it will do the job just fine,” he smiled back to jay reassuring him that he could do this.

“Ok, well if you’re all good I’ve got work to do myself,” Jay announced before turning and leaving Mouse to his own devices, finally leaving him to prove himself worthy.

—————

Mouse’s day was hectic, to say the least. Members of the team were constantly in and out of the tech room or calling him, getting him to give them vital information as quickly as he possibly could. But he thrived in the conditions present, what previously was extreme anxiety when he first entered turned into adrenaline. He hadn’t experienced such a high-intensity situation since his time at the Rangers, but he loved it. The Rangers was the place he felt most at home and alive, but the ‘accident’ had caused him to be honourably discharged. He wanted to be back in Afghanistan with Jay and his other military buddies desperately, feeling as though he had a place there, that he was actually contributing something good to the world, but this would do for the time, this was the best thing for him right now.

From what he could figure out, the unit was dealing with a human trafficking case in which multiple girls were found dead by the Docks, thrown into a container, and starved to death. Pulling up the names of multiple different men, he stared into their eyes as the pictures came up on his screen and felt no remorse for them as he heard each man be dragged into the cage one by one. The team managed to successfully find lead after lead, deciding to either all roll out together or keep sending Ruzek and Y/LN out. It was already about halfway through the day and Mouse still had not met the said people, only occasionally hearing their voices or being told to send them the information he was finding.

—————

As the day further progressed things started to flatline, leads found previously being a bust and nobody seeming to find anything worthwhile. The whole team worked tireless upstairs as Mouse found them the material they needed downstairs. Finally, after an hour of absolutely nothing, Dawson managed to get vital information from a CI and so a feasible lead was afoot. As the others were gearing up and getting ready to finally make some arrests, Jay popped his head into Mouse’s tech cave.

“Mouse I need you to send me the information on Spencer Phillips ASAP,” he was just about to walk out when he turned his head slightly to utter a few final words to his friend,

“And good job buddy, we really appreciate it.” Mouse smiled as he looked up the information for Jay, maybe he was going something good for the world, especially if his dearest friend thought so.

—————

The lead had been successful and two arrests of notable people in a human trafficking ring were arrested. The case was not fully closed, the organisation still up and running, but the perpetrators of the murders were put away to never see a day in the sun again. That was enough for Voight to warrant the members of his team a break to go home, rest and in the younger detective's case visit the local bar, Molly’s. Coming back up to the main room Jay greeted Mouse, patting him on the back for a job well done, he had underestimated his friend, thinking that he may struggle with his job just as he had coped with his anxiety and PTSD after coming back from the Middle East. Walking further into the room Mouse finally got to see the infamous man who had manage to evade his line of sight for the whole working day, Adam Ruzek. Approaching him he finally got to introduce himself.

“Hi, it's nice to finally meet you”

“Yeah, you too Mouse, I feel like I’ve been swept off my feet the whole day, you coming to Molly’s”

“I wasn’t planning to but sure why not?” Mouse had a vague idea of what Molly’s was, Jay sometimes talking about the bar run by first responders, but he was excited to finally see it for himself. Turning to Jay, who was packing his stuff up at his desk, he assumed he would want to go to the bar alongside the rest of the team,

“Molly’s then?” He smirked knowing Jay would never turn him or drinking down,

“Of course.” Leaving the district together, the two guys headed in the direction of the bar relieved to finally get away from work and have some downtime. Unbeknown to them you were in the changing room with Kim chatting away, excited to go for a drink and ready to go upstairs to meet the new tech guy. Little did you know you would be very disappointed when you did so.

—————

Arriving at the bar the men settled into the unit's usual booth at the back of the bar, flagging down Hermann to get two beers so that they could finally unwind from a long day of stressful events.

“The rest of the team should be here shortly, but how was your first day buddy, tell me all,” Jay asked hoping that his friend liked the position so that he could work towards becoming an outstanding member of the community and chuffed that he was working alongside his best friend once more.

“It was good man, I don’t really know what else to say about it. Um..I finally felt as if I was doing something with myself, I felt that adrenaline I missed from the Rangers, but I miss it, the thrill, the relationships, everything really Jay.” Jay sighed not knowing what to say, annoyed at his friend for missing it, he had spent so long trying to pull Mouse out of that bad place, a constant cycle of anxiety, depression, and PTSD, that it hurt him that he wanted to go back. The tense situation was interrupted by the rest of the team arriving, taking up the rest of the room in the booth with Erin snuggling up to Jay and Adam getting up to buy a round for the table. All the usual suspects were there enjoying themselves, except one, you.

You had gone home to shower and get out of your work clothes before making your way to meet the rest of the team for some rest and relaxation, maybe nestling a few beers throughout the night. Making your way into the bar, you passed members of firehouse 51, making small talk with them before moving towards Hermann to get yourself an alcoholic beverage. Thanking him you turned to walk over to your unit's table, spotting an unfamiliar figure in the corner of the booth next to jay, which you could assume was the new tech guy Mouse.

“Christ Y/LN where have you been?” Your partner Adam boomed, already a little tipsy from the two beers he had consumed.

“Sorry I had to go home first, wanted to freshen up,” you smiled amused at how much of a lightweight Adam really was, despite claiming otherwise.

“Y/N this is Mouse, I don’t think you’ve met yet,” Jay interrupted you, drawing your attention away to introduce you to the nervous man beside him. Looking him dead in the eyes, you noticed how attractive he was, you had just presumed that Mouse would be less than average looking considering his measly nickname, but no, the man in front of you was undeniably handsome with a charming smile and deep blue eyes.

“Hi, it's nice to meet you, sorry I didn’t meet you earlier, seems like we were both at the wrong place at the wrong time,” you gave a shy smile, sitting down next to Kevin trying to look confident despite the nervousness you felt inside.

“I-its good to meet you to Y/N, seems like the universe is not in our favour huh?” He stuttered equally as nervous, for what you assumed was first-time jitters, but little did you know it was because he found you equally as attractive.

——————

Throughout the night you continued talking with all members of your unit but especially Mouse. You felt naturally drawn to him, not just because of your attraction but also the stories he told that fascinated you, some from his days in the rangers and other ones from his childhood. By the end of the night, you too had managed to move to sit next to each other, with the members of your unit seeing you hit it off immediately and so pushed you together hoping for another office romance. Completely enamoured by him, you didn’t even notice that the other people in the bar were starting to trickle out slowly and Hermann’s last order was thirty minutes ago. Finally noticing your surroundings after the bartender had called your name and told you it was closing time, you checked your watch noticing the late time. Turning to Mouse you smiled and softly spoke about the revelation,

“I didn’t even realise how late it was, maybe we should get out of here, wait wait! Not like that, well unless you want you.” Noticing what you had said, you shyly smiled hoping he wouldn’t think you were too weird.

“That sounds good,” he cheekily smirked moving out of the booth, allowing you to get out too and heading towards the doors of the bar, saying a brief goodnight to Hermann on your way out. You walked down the street together to where your cars were parked, going at a slow pace, trying to extend your time together for as long as possible. Locating your car you stood next to it as you went to say your goodbyes to the handsome man in front of you.

“Thank you for keeping me company tonight, I really enjoyed it”

“Yeah me too, but I was hoping we could do it again sometime, just you and me?” Completely taken aback you stuttered to think of your response, you weren’t not thrilled about it at all, just completely surprised that he liked you as you did him.

“I’d love to Mouse, give me your phone,” handing you his phone you put your number in, silently hoping he would be one of those guys that actually use your number instead of ignoring it completely. Proceeding to hand it back, you both stood in silence not knowing what to say. But in this situation, no words were needed, only actions. So when he leaned in to place his lips, you gladly reciprocated the affection, wrapping your arms around his neck and deepening the kiss. Little did you know this would lead to a lifetime of desire and devotion.

[aerialflight]

Fic Recs

I haven’t done this in a while, recommending fics. But there were some fics these past couple of months that put a smile on my face, so I want to spread that joy to others. Seriously, they’re so good and I want to shove all these recs at people and have them appreciate them as much as I do. Everyone stay safe and I hope these recs make staying home easier for everyone!

-

[Fullmetal Alchemist]

maestoso by novalotypo

Edward Elric is about eleven when he stands up, makes an extended effort to knock as many books off the old bastard’s shelves as he can, and says, “Fuck the military. Al, you interested in music at all?”

Everybody's got their own ideas of retirement.

The Elrics don't even do retirement, what with the world trying to blow itself up every other month, but this shit has got to take the fucking cake.

(You want a fic that’ll make you cry tears of uncontrollable laughter? I point you to this fic. The shenanigans, the fact this is a time travel fic, the fucking headaches the Elrics cause, the I-Have-No-Fucks-To-Give attitude. Legend.)

-

[The Magnus Archives]

we raise it up by savrenim

Jonathan Sims reads a book and saves the world; although maybe the real salvation is the friends he makes along the way.

OR: in which Jon is not the only Archival monster for very long, Sasha James is competent, Tim Stoker finds some catharsis, Helen Richardson is sexy, Melanie makes a very successful youtube channel revamp, and Martin Blackwood gets to brew a lot of new friends tea.

(This is literally the most creative, fucking inspired tma fic I’ve ever read. You literally will never be able to guess what happens next and it’s just so much fun.)(Kinda Time Travel, you’ll understand what I mean if you read it, it’s so well done and amazing.)(The characterization for Sasha makes me want to weep, I’ve never seen her characterized this way before and it makes SO MUCH SENSE.)(@savrenim you are a QUEEN and you inspire me to be a better writer.)

-

[Marvel]

Crash Landing by Nyxelestia

"You could've left me there," Adrian murmured, jerking his head back towards the burning beach in the distance. "For Stark and his DODC people to find me. Liz and Doris' lives would've actually fallen apart with my arrest, and all my work to take care of them would've gone to waste. You could've just left me there...but you didn't. So I'll make you another deal."

Peter clenched his hands, fists shaking hard. "I'm giving you a second chance - but if you go back to what you were doing...I can't make any promises."

"It would be stupid of me to expect you to, after all this," Adrian said. He looked at Peter, at the hints of bruises and all the blood. He had trouble reconciling this fragile-looking kid with the superhuman who's been destroying his business, his daughter's homecoming date with the boy he'd nearly killed. "That's not my deal. My deal is, we both walk away, and neither of us say a word about any of this to Liz. Anything else - we'll cross those bridges as we come to them."

Swallowing, the boy nodded.

Instead of gift-wrapping the Vulture for Happy to find, Peter lets Mr. Toomes go.

(Honestly, I’m disappointed in the fact there’s not many Vulture-centric fics out there. This was so great and Peter was wonderfully characterized here along with Ned.)(I have a deep craving now for more Adrian Toomes fics and I blame this fic for that. I don’t regret it one bit.)

-

[The Witcher]

all some children do is work by some_stars

It's two children, he realizes as they slowly sit up. They look about eight or nine, not that he's much judge of children's ages. One is a girl, dark-haired, in a shabby dress. The other is a boy. His clothes aren't much better, and his hair isn't much lighter than the girl's, but his eyes—

His eyes, Jaskier realizes with a distant sense of horror, are gold like a cat's. His mind makes one more valiant effort to keep from connecting the obvious dots and recognizing them, and then it finally does.

"How in the unholy fuck," Jaskier says to no one, "did this shit happen?"

(So sweet it’ll give you cavities. Break your own heart reading this, I dare you.)

of music and motion and love by WriteThroughTheNight

When Jaskier was four, he slipped his mother’s watch and went to the field to gather a bouquet of dandelions. He climbed back into the yard, as stealthy as a child really cared to be, and crept over to the barn. In the barn, lived a secret. (The man he thought his father said the secret was a monster, a plague. His mother said the secret was his sister.)

OR

Jaskier comes from a far humbler background, and would really like to know why Yennefer never came back for her youngest brother.

(YENNEFER AND JASKIER AS SIBLINGS ENOUGH SAID. FIENOWPAFE)

to render it transparent by theundiagnosable

Geralt wakes up warm, peaceful, and utterly content, which is how he knows that something is severely wrong.

(Where Geralt wakes up in the future and Jaskier and Geralt live at the Coast.)(They are Disasters. What else is new.)(Everything’s lovely and emotionally repressed.)

-

[Game of Thrones]

if I give you my heart, will you promise not to break it? by janie_tangerine

Ship: Brienne/Jaime

“It’s not broken,” she protests.

“Please,” Ronnet goes on, “it’s all red. Red hearts like that are broken and their owners are either useless or more effort than they’re worth. ‘Course you would get a broken one, who else would want you?”

“It’s not,” Brienne hisses, and at that he stops talking. She realizes her voice had turned cold. Very cold. A coldness that doesn’t belong to her, she’s never sounded like that, but it seems to come from the pulsing warmth in her hands, again - “and the day I find him you’ll see he’s not broken or damaged or unworthy. And I sure as the seven hells hope no one got saddled with yours.

in which soulmates find each other through one of them having the other's heart.

or, in which Brienne gets a mostly broken one the day Jaime Lannister kills Aerys Targaryen.

(So this is a series, just want to put that out there. And I read through all of them cause I just couldn’t do otherwise. Brienne is obviously the bravest, most noble, most amazing of course. And Jaime makes me want to punch a wall because feels.)(This soulmate idea is so creatively and well done, has become one of my favorite soulmate tropes.)(There are a lot of interesting pairings in this series and the way the author went about the relationships and this expanding world has me giving all the yeses.)(Please read!!!)

-

[Gilmore Girls]

Weather Me by missgoalie75

Ship: Paris Geller/Jess Mariano

A year in the life of Paris and Jess.

(PARIS GELLER AND JESS MARIANO AT THEIR VERY BEST HOLY SHIT!!! I can hear their voices in every line, every thought, every damn interaction and I am so in love it's ridiculous. Paris in particular won me over, I have become incredibly fond of her and it's honestly brilliant! And Jess has a beautiful mind and I love him, I do. God, do I.)(missgoalie75 did it again.)

Living With It by thesaltyavocado

Ship: Lindsay Lister/Jess Mariano

#Future Fic, #Post-Season/Series Finale, #So Your Ex is Now Your Step-Cousin, #And You're Dating Her Ex's Ex!, #A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Over It

(There’s no summary, it’s a series, and I’m in LOVE. I am a sucker for really, really well done rare pairs, and this is the rarest of them all. Go for it. It’s beautiful.)(Also, the author is literally the BEST, the VERY BEST at making me want to ship people I never even thought of. They’re awesome.)(check out all their fics, I went on a spree and you should too.)

-

[The Hunger Games]

Speechless by thesaltyavocado

Ship: Haymitch Abernathy/Effie Trinket

Effie was kind, she was warm, she offered comfort to anyone who needed it, microphones be damned. She had a reputation for generosity amongst the Victors that Haymitch hadn't paid any attention to, because he was so paranoid about showing his hand that he barely even said her name around other people, barely even acknowledged her existence. Everyone thought he hated her, Beetee had explained. Everyone knew the stories about how he'd made her cry in the sponsor's lounge at the opening of the 61st Games, how he'd blown up at Cecelia that time when she'd asked him to pass a message onto Effie for her. Is that why none of you assholes ever liked me? Haymitch had asked. No, we didn't like you because you were a prick, Beetee told him, which was fair enough.

(The best, and I mean the best fic I’ve ever read regarding this pairing. Nothing is ever going to top this. Nothing.)(The WORLDBUILDING. FUCK.)(Literally everyone is perfectly characterized in new, heartbreaking ways and I just, fuck. Fuck.)(I don’t care if you’re not into the fandom, this will make you fall in love and see the characters with new eyes and it’s absolutely stellar.)(I want to cry.)(You don’t even have to be here for the ship, just be here for the writing, characterization, the WORLDBUILDING, fucking everything.)(Please.)(This fic NEEDS more love.)(I have fallen in love with Effie Trinket.)(This is my life now.)

-

[Harry Potter]

Walkabout by thesaltyavocado for teethandstars

Ship: Hermione Granger/Sirius Black

"You are always far too handsome for your own good," Hermione says, "in any timeline."

(The author strikes again when it comes to shipping people I don’t expect to love, yet here it is. Such an interesting fic where the time travel already happened and it’s the aftermath that the fic covers.)(Again, characterization off the fucking charts and I just want to wrap myself up in their words and live there.)(A story about broken people trying to find peace within themselves.)

-

[Stranger Things]

and you hunger for the time by missgoalie75

Ship: Steve Harrington/Kali Prasad

after the battle of starcourt, steve figured the rest of the summer would involve not working, waiting for his busted ribs and face to heal, hanging out with robin and the party, and trying to ignore the panic he feels whenever he thinks about his future. All that does happen, but other unexpected things happen too.

(Bet you didn’t see this ship coming, did you? Neither did I, yet here we are.)(missgoalie75 is the gift that keeps on giving.)(But in all seriousness this is my favorite characterization of Steve, hands down.)(This fic needs more kudos and comments and basically all the love it deserves.)(God tier characterization and relationship development.)

-

[Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas]

nfwmb by perennial

Ship: Eris/Proteus

The goddess of discord isn't careless enough to fall in love with a do-gooder mortal prince—unless, of course, she doesn't know it's happening.

(Okay, hear me out. I know it’s weird, I can feel the judgement coming from my screen. But I am weak in the face of rare pairings that actually work and the fact I fucking loved this movie ever since I was a kid, okay? So if anybody else loves this fandom as much as I do, stand up and take notice of this. I am here to tell you there are worthwhile fics to be read in this very, very small fandom.)

I'll keep turning down the hands that beckon me to come by deavors

Ship: Marina/Proteus/Sinbad

“Jealous?” Sinbad says, voice easily and casually mocking, but there’s something else under there, an undertone that speaks of so many things Marina isn’t even close to understanding.

“Extremely,” says Proteus, cracking a half-smile, but Marina feels like he’s not joking.

They stare at each other for a few moments. Marina’s gaze flickers between them. Sun and moon. She wishes—she doesn’t know what she wishes. Her heart is twisting again, but in a different way from before: as though it’s half-empty and longs to be full.

(You have no idea how in love I am with the idea of these three being in a poly relationship. No idea.)(I’ve been shipping all of them the moment I was introduced to the idea of polyamory relationships.)(This is THE poly ship for me.)(Nothing’s ever gonna come close. Nothing.)

-

[Crossovers]

Trust Me, I'm an Alchemist by metisket

Fandoms: Yuri!!! on Ice, Fullmetal Alchemist

In which Yuri Plisetsky began life with the name Edward Elric, and this has made the world of figure skating a significantly stranger and more alarming place.

“Are you saying you lived a life of crime before you began skating?” “I’m gonna have to check the statute of limitations on a couple things and get back to you on that.”

(Meme Alien Edward, Ninja Alphonse who’ll smile at you as you Perish, Disaster Gay Victor, Disaster Gay Maniac Yuuri.)(If this isn’t incentive enough, the Elrics traumatizing and delighting social media with their Life Stories and their Life of Crime.)(Feral Elrics being Feral Elrics.)(It’s the kind of fic that gets better with every chapter, cause the shenanigans just keep ESCALATING.)

[rottenwoodandwiltedsunflowers]

Waffle and Kae Joint Recap 8/16

Hello Tumblr! We still exist! Children are hard for free time...amiright? GET READY FOR AN ACTUAL RECAP!

Waffle So we both decided that life was far too hard at the moment and it was time to give our child to the wolves for the weekend and run to NYC. (Not really, we dropped her with Gramma and Grandpa and came to down to see Noirtown) As long as we were sneaking away, why not stop by the McKittrick. We flew in Friday afternoon and had a drink at Gallow Green before heading down to queue up. There was a surprise happy hour in the Manderley so we were let in early which is always a pleasant surprise. We found some friends inside to pass the time with before the first elevator was eventually called. I have to say what an adorable and charming pair Elizabeth and Joseph make in the bar. They have great chemistry and are just a joy to watch.

Once inside, I headed to the ballroom which was in mid-scene. It was actually the only ballroom I would see in my 2 shows. Jenna’s Sexy witch did a great job of sucking me in with her creepy and seductive eye contact. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go but by the end of the ballroom, the glances and smirks had me hooked. I followed her up and got a Banquo couch duet all to myself. Jenna’s dancing is next level! This dance easily ranks in my top McKittrick dances. She quickly and gracefully disappeared behind the couch. The dance is breathtaking when done well and Jenna seemed to float through the air at every lift. When she was coming down from the bookshelf for the final kiss, she planted her foot on the couch in a way that was strong and invoked thoughts of a wild animal pouncing on her prey. She still clearly commanded the scene and Jack’s Banquo looked dopey and fooled until the final kiss.

The crowds have certainly gotten bolder and pushier the last few years. I would wager that some of it is what I refer to as the Shanghai effect. The cultural norms in Shanghai are much different than in New York. Personal space and following distances are much closer and fan culture is much more intense. The crowds certainly seem more aggressive then I remember years ago. Two shorter girls pushed in front of me when we all entered Agnes’ apartment and to be honest, I am years past the stage where I will push back at all or even stand my ground aggressively. The performers recognize people and know who is around most of the time. Sometimes that results in those people getting a 1:1 and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, I am not in a place where I need a 1:1 to feel good about my show.

Jenna reached between the 2 and grabbed my hand to pull me in. The first half of the 1:1 was great but we hit a snag when we had a set malfunction which resulted in her not being able to open the proper door to exit Agnes’ apartment. It wasn’t for lack of trying! She gave me the jellybean before taking my hand and escorting me out to the entryway and back to High street. We watched Pil’s Fulton through the window for a while before he pulled open the door to the autopsy room. I wish I could have seen his face when there was no sexy witch waiting for him. She waited until he came back into the main office before forcefully pushing the door open and standing menacingly in the doorway. She backed Fulton up into the bookshelf behind his desk and proceeded to harass him. She retrieved what she needed then tossed Fulton onto High Street. Jenna’s bartop solo was also great like literally everything she does. 

I didn’t feel like seeing the banquet so I headed up to 5. I love me a matron. I really love me a matron that is able to surprise me. I was delighted to find Ginger Kearns’ matron. The matron played a fun little game where she brought out a hand mirror and used it to watch me as I watched her. I love new, weird matron shit! I also love watching how people come and go. It’s oddly comforting watching other guests and pattens in the hotel. How there can be a mob of people and when you look up 30 seconds later, you are alone in a forest. 

Tori’s Hecate is a powerhouse. She still unnerves me. She is in control of every moment that happens in the rep bar. She has a signature look she gives Agnes when she comes in looking for help. She smirks, quirks her eyebrow, and leans back in her chair sizing Agnes up. This Hecate is playing the long game and she is having the best time doing it.

I was very disappointed to find there were no red licorice bites in Paisley’s Sweet Shop. I begrudgingly settled for a fruit slice. 

The other standout of the show for me was Doug’s Speakeasy. I like my speakeasy one of two ways...either a total jerk or fun and carefree. I want a puppy who either pisses in your shoe every time you come home 5 minutes late or I want the bestest boy ever! I used to call Nick Dillenburg Toolbox Speakeasy because his speakeasy was like a toolbag except also, the whole damn toolbox. I loved it. Doug’s speakeasy is mischievous and funny and adorable. He is a good boy. A loyal servant and a fun speakeasy. He did the most delightful little dance I have seen in ages during his downtime. I LOVED IT!!! He leaned back over his bar and did a little flip/roll to the other side at the start of it. Utterly charming! He also gets points for his cute little tap like dance on the pool table. 

Once again, I hung back when it was time to do the shot game but he summoned me forward. I love watching the different variations on the game from performer to performer. He started with the 3 shots before laying out the cards face down. He made a show of flipping them until all the red Kings were facing up and only one card closest to us remained hidden. When he flipped it, it was a black King. He shuffled the cards before smirking and crouching down to continue shuffling while making noises consistent to hacking up a lung, presumably on said cards. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the ridiculous/disgusting nature of it. He came up and we all drew cards. The first person revealed a red King. Doug held out the shot and just before the person could reach it, he sent it flying over his shoulder into the wall behind him. The second person revealed a red King. Doug once again held out the shot and as the person reached for it, he slowly poured it out over the edge of the bar (probably on the white masks shoes). I revealed a red King. He held out the glass and as I reached for it, he drank it himself. 

At this point, he pulled out the box with the whiskey shot. He slowly opened the top and took a big sniff of the contents. We were then invited to do the same. Round two. He narrowed it down to 2 red Kings and the black King. He reshuffled, complete with crouching and coughing. We all drew a card and when we turned them over, the man in the middle had won. He took his shot. Doug took a moment to stare at us all before reaching in and pulling out another shot of whiskey. He then reshuffled and dealt again. We turned over our cards a second time and the same white mask had won again. One game, two shots. Poor dude looked a bit ill by the end of it! We shook hands and the story moved on.

I spent a good amount of time in the bar this show because Elizabeth Lindsay is my absolute favorite. I considered going back in for the finale but in the end, decided that I was having far too much fun chatting which is a new thing for me. I wanted to close out my bar tab before the rush anyway because we had tickets to Bartchland Follies after the show. Would recommend! KaeLyn Hello, weirdos. It’s been a minute, both since we’ve been to the Hotel and since we’ve posted anything remotely resembling a recap. In fact, the formulaic recap era of SNM itself may have passed, as it seems fewer and fewer fandom posts about the show itself are being posted to the hashtag. 

Also, I feel compelled to drop an explainer that we have some questions piled up in our inbox and I just want to say that we do see them and appreciate them, even if we don’t reply. Most likely if we haven't replied it’s because someone else either gets to them first (if, as it often seems, anons are sending those same questions to several old SNM tumblrs at once) or we just don’t see them for a long time because we don’t log in as much and it seems silly by the time we read them. Of course, sometimes we’re just not going to answer on principle (spoilers, rude, etc.). We are still here, queer, going to shows every few months when we can ditch our toddler for a weekend. You’re also likely to catch us at Mayfair or Halloween (Inferno VI? lol). Anyway, our flight home is delayed and we thought it’d be fun to attempt recaps while we were waiting. I imagine mine will come first because I have less to report and, well, Waffle’s recaps have always been more detailed than mine! On Friday, we checked into our hotel and set out to get a leisurely dinner at Ovest, always a good start to a long night in the Hotel. We arrived to the McKittrick around 6:00 PM for a quick drink at Gallow Green, then queued up at 6:30 PM, which I thought was aggressively too early for a 7:30 show, but lucky us–there was a happy hour! Apparently, a thing that’s happening on weekdays? So we were among the first to arrive at the bar, where we unexpectedly ran into some friendly faces from the fandom. One had snagged the corner booth already with some friends. The childfree weekend was off to a great start! It was only made better when Elizabeth (Virginia) showed up and surprised Waffle with a shoulder squeeze.

I rarely full loop these days. Especially after I passed the 100 show mark earlier this year, I have a very chill relationship with Sleep No More. I still look forward to each return, but each show is a slower burn for me and you won’t catch me running up and down the stairs. More often than not, I end up in the bar before the finale. It’s like catching up with an old friend. I find out what’s new. I reminisce on some favorite stories. I settle into a familiar pattern.

This particular night, I started at the ballroom because FOMO-motivated habits are hard to break. The night was kind of a greatest hits list, honestly, and I wish I could tell you I spent time with people I hadn’t watched before or picked up some stuff I hadn’t yet seen (like Doug’s speakeasy), but that’s not what happened. I stayed to watch Stephanie C’s bald witch (f*ck yes) and popped up to catch Nate’s boy witch at the phone booths on his way up to the pool table dance. (Maybe it’s my particular age showing, but Nate looks more like a member of a pop punk band that I definitely saw at Warped Tour in the late 90’s than Draco Malfoy to me. Either way, it works!) 

So, I haven’t been lately and I just have to say that the Nick-Jenna-Stephanie witch trio is A+. Best witch coven energy I’ve seen in a while!I caught the first rave, standing near Tori’s Hecate to catch a bit of everyone’s performance (while the crowd was still light enough that I could also see the prophecy even at a distance). I popped up to five for a bit, which was obviously recently cleaned and freshened up. I actually did a full loop ballroom-to-ballroom with Parker’s porter. Then, I came out to the bar for a drink and chatted with folks out there for the duration of the show.

It was a standard McKittrick re-entry show for me, after a few months away, an all-around solid cast and show. We slid out at the end of the night to go up for the Bartschland Follies (which was superb and sexy and silly and so rad and fun and also had far more straight people who looked slightly scandalized front-and-center in the audience than I anticipated).

[desdinovas]

untitled - part nine

not my gif

pairing: ceo!tom x female reader

warnings: none that i can think of

word count: 2K

notes: a lot of y’all have been asking me to make this series longer than 15 parts and i’m sorry to say this but i can’t make the story go on forever lmao so 15 parts will have to do 

series masterlist

add yourself to my taglist!

"I really appreciate you guys doing this," you said as you gave Nikki and Dom each a quick hug. Tom had asked his parents out to lunch with you that Monday. This was one of the final steps you really needed to take to finish up your paper and you were eager to learn a little about him from the people who arguably knew him the best.

Tom gave his dad a one-armed hug but his mother didn't let him get away so easily. They exchanged cheek kisses and he murmured something inaudible in her ear.

When you went to pull out your chair and sit down, Tom's fingers grazed yours gently in a fleeting moment before realizing he has crossed a line. He grasped onto the chair and pulled it out for you and as you sat down, he pushed it in slightly. "Of course, sweetie." Nikki smiled and sat down herself. Tom sat down next to you and you felt his leg brush against yours as he adjusted his jacket. But again, he pulled away too soon. Was he testing the boundaries? You had noticed that the physical tension between you was growing stronger with each passing day. After you all had put in your orders, you pulled your laptop out and opened a fresh document. "So what can we help you with, (y/n)?" Dom asked. He leaned into the back of his chair and clasped his hands together on the table. It was body language you recognized, and realized that Tom often sat in that same position. "I have most of my paper completed," you started. "But I am missing one crucial part; his childhood." You glanced over to Tom, who fixed his eyes on his hands as he listened. His parents both smiled fondly. "So, what was Tom like when he was younger?" Nikki smiled and scrunched her nose up. "He was a goofy little guy. He was always finding new ways to have fun," she recounted. "Or get in trouble," Dom added. "He and his brothers used to get in trouble. I remember one time-" "Dad, please," Tom shook his head. You rolled your eyes. "Come on, a good story could really help me out," you pleaded. The pleading didn't help. He stood his ground with a straight face. "I just want one instance of you being 'goofy'.” You laughed. "I never would have used that word to describe you." His expression lightened a little and you saw a mischievous twinkle in his eye that came along with a little smirk. It was as if he was hiding something, a whole lifetime of stories that would blow your mind. Something to prove you wrong. But he wasn't going to let you in on it. Not quite yet. "One time I walked out of our house and found this boy in our swimming pool with his bicycle," Dom rolled his eyes with a grin. "Who decides that riding a bike into a pool is a good idea?" He shook his head as he laughed. "Only Tom." "That was hardly my childhood," Tom protested. "I was nineteen years old." "It was childish behavior." Tom shook his head as he looked over at you. "Don't even think about it," he warned. "Come on!" You laughed. "That's funny!" "No," was his stern response. "Okay... when did he get into music?" You changed the subject. "He actually couldn't care less about it at one point," his dad noted and you raised your eyebrows in surprise. You couldn't imagine a world in which Tom didn't live and breathe music. "Eventually it piqued his interest and once he got even kind of good at the guitar, we couldn't get it out of his hands." Your eyes wandered over to Tom and you saw the most subtle smile on his face. That's when the waiter interrupted you, placing steaming plates of food in front of each of you and refilling your water glasses. "There were times when we really just needed the noise to stop, but there was no stopping him." Nikki agreed. "I'd take listening to the same three notes over and over again at all hours over something risky or dangerous." "That's great," you nodded and typed the stories into your document before taking a bite of your sandwich. You all focused on your meal for a few minutes before they had anything else to add. "Oh, and just the cutest thing ever was just how secretive he was about the whole thing!" His mum laughed. "He wanted to keep it all to himself, and he was a little-" "Cocky," Dom finished her sentence and that made Tom scoff with his mouth full. He swallowed and wiped the corners of his mouth with the cloth napkin before arguing. "That's harsh," he replied. "(y/n)-" "I know," you groaned jokingly. That wasn't something you were allowed to include, so you hit the backspace button a few times with dramatically hard taps. "But that changed," his dad credited him. "And as he got older, he got more and more interested in the behind the scenes music stuff. And now here we are, mister successful CEO and part-time producer. I'm proud of you, son." He reached across the table to pat his son's arm. Tom nodded and thanked his dad before he checked his watch. "We need to be going. I have an important meeting to get to." He stood up and said his goodbyes before paying the full bill. You packed your things away and thanked the two of them profusely for the information. In the car on the way back to his office, Tom was quiet as usual. He straightened the cuffs of his shirt and twisted the rings on his fingers, and every once in awhile he'd take a breath in like he was about to say something, but then decided not to.

Finally, he spoke up. "Do you have everything you need?" He asked. "I think so," you nodded. "Thank you." "What for?" He raised one eyebrow quizzically. You tilted your head as you looked at him. "I don't know... for not shooting down every story they told, I guess. It's nice to have some actual content for a change." "Mmm," came his default response, and one of his hands dropped down onto the seat between you. It was only millimeters away from your own hand and you could feel his warmth. He didn't pull away, either. And then you felt it, the anticipation growing and the butterflies in your stomach. Now more than ever, you just wanted to finish this damn paper and close that gap between the two of you.

-

"I really should go home and finish writing." You told Tom seriously. You were sitting in his office after 5 pm on a Friday where you should have been on the beach with Lindsay and your other friends.

"You're still not done?" He questioned.

"Do you think we'd still be sitting six feet apart if I were finished?" You teased and took a bite of your salad you had ordered. "So we're really having our dinner at your office?"

"I have no choice, (y/n)." He reminded you with his mouth full. "If I don't finish filling out this form my client won't get the studio next week and her client goes on tour and needs to finish."

"Okay," you raised my hands up. "I've been trying to keep you company." You reached over to get out your laptop.

You began to eye Tom's intense expression and his lack of movement. "Are you thinking?" You asked him as you typed.

"Very hard." He replied and stood up. "I'm going to run down the hall to pick up a few copies. I'll be back."

"Okay," you said with a nod and continued to write. You were so close to being finished, you could taste it. You had written it almost entirely out of order. You wrote the things you learned as you learned them, meaning you hadn't written his childhood until a few days ago.

He came back in swiftly and handed you a cookie. "Here," he stuck it out.

"What is this for?" You asked him as you took it.

"For staying with me." He replied.

You took it from him and broke it in half. "Share it with me." You handed half of it back to him.

"(y/n), it's yours." He said as he went to sit down.

"I wanna share it, don't be so gruff." You rolled your eyes and got up from your place to hand it to him.

"(y/n), really?" He looked at you incredulously.

"What?" You brought his half of the cookie up to his mouth and he looked at you disapprovingly before taking a small bite.

"Sometimes you're like a child." Tom said as he licked his lips.

You admired his features and shrugged. "Sometimes it's good to be a child. Let loose and have some fun."

He gave you an odd look and then moved his mouth forward to take another bit of the cookie in your hand. There was still a small piece left of his part and before he reached for it you put it in your mouth with a smirk.

"You are such a child." His smile grew and he turned away, "I thought we were splitting it."

"I changed my mind?" You shrugged and walked back over to your seat.

"Can I read it?" He nodded his head towards your laptop.

You made a face. "Do you really want to?"

"I'd like to." He responded, "it is about me after all."

"But I'm just hesitant." 

"Why is that?" He questioned as he filled out paper work.

"Well, I like how it's turned out. And I don't want you getting any last minute idea's of 'you can't use that', you know?" You shrugged and kept typing.

"It's about me." He repeated.

"I'm aware, Tom." You looked over to him, "I'll allow you to read after I'm done."

"Is something in there that I don't approve of?" He retorted.

"You think after all I've been through with you and getting you to open up that I'd jeopardize my entire paper for the sake of putting something in you wanted kept a secret?" You scoffed, "Tom, if you told me you didn't want it, I didn't put it."

"Then why can't I read it?" He asked again.

"Because you like to keep things private for a time and so do I. My writing isn't read by anyone but me until I hand it to them. I keep it private until it's finished." 

"I have shared so much with you." He guilt-ed you.

"Tom, come on." You crossed your arms. "It was like pulling teeth getting you to tell me most of this stuff."

"But I did." He answered with his eyebrows raised.

"Yes, you did." You sighed heavily, "Just- let me keep this to myself."

His gaze remained steady on you, "(y/n)."

"Jeez," you rolled your eyes. "My name is (y/n/n), why do you insist on always being different?" You stared at him. "And why do you get to be private but I can't be? I've told you so much about me. You've told me with time. And now this one thing I just want to wait until I'm finished and you're pressuring me to tell you. I've never pressured you out of a fear for you yelling at me."

"Maybe because I'm anxious for it to be done." He replied, "I don't like having things written about me I don't know about or haven't read. This has been killing me."

"Well, you're going to have to wait a bit longer." You answered and began to pack up your things.

"(y/n)- (y/n/n)," he shook his head. "Where are you going?"

"Home." You answered. "It's better that I go home and finish this in silence."

He didn't answer. He let you walk out and onto the sidewalk and then you realized you didn't have a ride. Lindsay wasn't home. Tyler was with her at the beach. Everyone was at the beach. And you wasted your last spring break working. You hailed a cab.

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[fluentlanguage]

#clearthelist March2018: Update On My Welsh Language Progress

Welcome to a new kind of blog post here on Fluent - I’ve long been aware that my last personal language update was about a year ago and this blog should include more of that good stuff. So this month, I am joining Clear The List, a monthly language strategies update.

You may have heard me talk to Lindsay about it on the Fluent Show - Clear The List is open to everyone and gives us support and accountability by sharing regular language learning goals and stories.

Every month, I set my goals using the Language Habit Toolkit worksheets and I put them up behind my computer screen to keep them in mind. And this month, I had a LOT of them in Welsh. The mindset was not to expect too much from myself, but to remember the direction I was aiming for.

What Happened in March 2018?

Up to the 11th of March, my working life was dominated by sharing and co-running the absolutely wonderful Women in Language conference. If you were there, you’ll know that we had a great time.

Click here to read my full debrief of Women in Language, which includes

the 5 most important lessons I learnt at the conference

some behind the scenes details

tips for you on what to do if you also want to be a speaker

lessons learnt on what we’ll do differently next time.

Special Guests

Right after the conference I experienced another unusual week with lots of spoken German as my parents came to visit me in Canterbury. We had a great time pottering around and I did my usual interpreting job and listened to my husband’s German.

If you are visiting Canterbury and want to practice your German on a city tour, do give me a shout through the contact page.

Highlight: A visit to an English winery, showing me that I know more winemaking vocab than I expected. My parents are winemakers, so this always seems to happen when they’re around.

One more unusual event was the news that my favourite ever English teacher had passed away. He was one of a few English teachers who influenced and inspired me as a teenager, spoke lots of English in class, and shared the literature he loved. What a reminder to appreciate those who inspire us.

The Fluent Show

March marked one month since the Creative Language Learning Podcast became the Fluent Show. Thank you so much for listening!

Here’s my favourite episode from this month: In Language, Are Apps All Amazing? Are All Apps Amazing?

My Welsh Goals For March 2018

With so much going on, did I even get ANY language study done?

Contact Goal

On an everyday basis, I have one important goal: Have contact with my target language. So I have a lot of mini-sessions on Duolingo, Clozemaster, with flashcards, with vocab lists. I read tweets in Welsh, look out for books, anything. All these different strategies add up to consistent slow progress, but they are the basis for all other goals.

I track my contact with Welsh using the Streaks app on my iPhone. In March, I logged 22 days of contact.

Here are the Path Goals I set, and how it went:

Listening

Watch S4C every other day for 10 minutes: Did this about three times. I’m not sure my devices have S4C set up to be accessible as easily as possible. Also, 10 minutes is an awkward length for a TV show. I did watch some YouTube clips, so I’ll take that into account as a goal format.

Listen more when I’m having real conversations Listening is the conversation habit I always need to bear in mind. I had one tutor conversation in Welsh this month, and I did shut up and listen to her a little more than usual. A good job with room for improvement.

Transcribe 1 Song from Listening What was I thinking? Not really a goal I’ll go back to.

This month, I resubscribed to the Pigion podcast and listened to the weekly episodes. I discovered that they provide a vocab list with each episode and reviewed the vocab before I start the episode.

Speaking

I wanted to work through the Sylfaen (Foundation Level) exam questions to practice speaking at a higher level, but found the exam paper so boring that I never went back to it. But on the positive side, I feel confident that I could tackle all of the questions on it, so I’m now definitely on that level or even further ahead.

My other goal was to get to 30 minutes all-Welsh conversation, so my tutor session was a 60 minute time slot, and we had nearly a full hour of Welsh conversation. Very exciting! ✅ I also got to the halfway point on Say Something in Welsh level 2.

Reading

Read articles or 1/2 book page in Welsh every 2 days. The goal here was to acquire new vocabulary, and build up my reading capacity to “more than a tweet”. I don’t think I read enough, partly because I don’t know where to find easy Welsh articles online.

Writing

My goal was to write 1/2 a page and share it with my tutor 3 times. This is where the MAGIC happened. Inspired by one of the talks at Women in Language, my writing practice evolved to include poetry in my target language. It’s really fun - one of the best ways I’ve found to use Welsh creatively.

I haven’t shared with my tutor yet, but I did post the poetry on Instagram with #languagpoems and I’ll keep going.

My other goal was to complete Chapters 7-9 in my Grammar exercise book - I’m halfway through chapter 8, so that one’s trucking along.

Goals For April 2018

In Welsh: My listening skills are a little behind and I don’t understand as much as I would like to, so the focus will again be on this core skill so I can get into a routine.

My goals in Welsh are:

Have 3 natural conversations with my tutor/exchange partner and listen carefully: My next tutor session is already booked so I reckon I can smash this one and I’ll continue aiming for 45-60

Practice Welsh listening by playing with no-subtitle TV, and reviewing the Pigion podcast vocab before I listen: These are about listening comprehension, the area I need to improve right now.

Write a longer Welsh poem and continue playing around with different poetry formats: Last month I tried a Haiku. Maybe this month I’ll attempt poetry that rhymes. I’m loving my poetry focus this month and am also reading more of it in English and German.

Finish my easy reader novel and read all of the latest Lingo Newdyy magazine - these are all offline, can anyone recommend easy Welsh websites?

Book a day in Wales: I keep looking at this list of courses and not booking, even though they’re so cheap. Time to dive in!

One Last Thing: Other Languages

A post shared by Kerstin Cable (@kerstin_fluent) on Mar 2, 2018 at 9:15am PST

This month, I also dabbled in Swedish and spoke a lot of French. I’m still on the hunt for my new language to play with.

Swedish was the first language in which I've tried an official Memrise course and I'm so impressed. WAY better than the usual.

So now we’re caught up, let me assure you that future Clear The List articles will be a little shorter. I will continue setting goals using the framework of 4 core skills, and I always use the Language Habit Toolkit to set and track quality goals that will challenge me without driving me crazy.

Is there anything you’re curious about?

How was your month?

\\

If you want to join the linkup and share your own goals for the month, hop on to Clear The List with Lindsay Williams and Shannon Kennedy. Would love to see what you’re up to!

[voightsgirl]

crossfire: volume i - chapter 18

a/n yeeet so i’m off to oxford for a four-day university interview (lowkey shitting myself) so i probably won’t be posting much for you over the next few days!! but i will post quite a few chapters over the weekend to make up for it, and I think, with what’s coming your way, you’ll probably appreciate that!!            & previous chapters can be found here

☆ it never gets easier ☆

Although Erin and Jay made an effort to dress up nice for the dinner with Avery’s social worker, Erin wearing a gorgeous burgundy dress and Jay his suit jacket, Avery clearly hadn’t received the memo. She traipsed out of her bedroom a few moments after Erin called her name, dressed in ripped jeans, her black doc martens, and an old t-shirt and hoodie.

“You ready?” she asked, and Erin just nodded, smirking slightly to herself as she noticed the similarities between Avery’s wardrobe and that of her fifteen year old self. It made her smirk slightly sadly as she caught a glimpse of herself in the window over the mantelpiece, actually, because all the lipstick in the world couldn’t cover that little girl up – but, with Avery here, for once Erin didn’t feel like she needed to. That little girl was her, so why should she bother?

“Let’s go,” Jay said, and, placing a reassuring hand on the small of Erin’s back, he ushered the two women out of the door and shut it behind them, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what – and who – came next.

☆

When they arrived at the restaurant, Sharon was already sat at the table.

“Are we late?” Erin whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Jay, shocked at the idea that her constantly-on-time-for-everything boyfriend could possibly have been late to something as important as this.

Jay checked his watch. “No,” he shook his head. “She’s early.”

Sharon had noticed them and waved them over enthusiastically. Jay frowned. This was a very different woman to the one he’d met (and yelled at) earlier.

“Erin, Jay,” Sharon greeted them both with a friendly handshake. “Avery,” she smiled. Avery just nodded her greeting, looking bored.

Sharon seemed to notice Jay’s raised eyebrows and confusion at her change in character – as well as attire – and she winked at him, which just made him look even more baffled.

Seeing the awkwardness, Erin spoke up. “Shall we sit?””

Sharon nodded, retaking her place at the table. Avery sat down next to her, leaving Erin and Jay the seats next to each other and opposite her and Sharon. Erin took the seat next to Sharon instead of the one next to Avery that was the one she was naturally drawn to, noticing Jay’s reluctance, and he smiled at her gratefully.

“So,” Sharon began after the awkward silence that had fallen after the waiter had taken their order and left had become too much. “I assume you both want an explanation?”

Erin and Jay nodded, exchanging glances.

“Yes,” Avery said. At the looks on the adults’ faces, she continued, “I mean, Jay yelled at you. Of course I want an explanation – hey, maybe if it’s good enough, I can sell the movie rights! I would so pay to see that.” The sarcasm dripped from her tongue, heavy and thick as lava.

“Okay,” Sharon continued as if Avery had never spoken, while Erin and Jay put on their best adult listening faces and tried not to laugh. “I find that in cases like these, where there’s a couple – and, usually, an unmarried one – applying to look after a child, there is always one of the two who is more keen than the other, one who initiates the situation, as such. Erin was clearly the one who came up with the idea, and I needed to ensure that Jay, you too, were up for this and ready to fight for custody of Avery.”

“You mean it was a test?” Jay exclaimed, not quite believing it.

The social worker shook her head. “Not exactly,” she told him “But if it were, you’d have passed. I was, however, genuinely concerned about both of your histories, and your work arrangements and how your timing would work out with Avery’s schooling, but Erin proved to me that you could handle school and work timings, and Jay, well, you more than showed me that you and Erin are going to give Avery her best chance.”

Jay smiled. “We will,” he assured her – but everyone around the table knew that he was talking more to Avery than he was to Sharon. Erin reached across the table and squeezed Avery’s hand.

“He’s right,” she said. “We will.”

Avery smiled for a second before she drew her hand away and looked down at her knife and fork.

Erin smiled sadly. Baby steps, she thought. Even a small genuine smile from Avery was progress.

“Besides, there was something Jay said that really got me thinking,” Sharon said.

“Oh?” asked Erin.

“That maybe your pasts are exactly the reason why you would be able to look after Avery well.”

Erin smiled, and she met Jay’s eyes above the table, reaching her hand down underneath it to pat him gently on the knee.

Avery looked slightly confused by the whole situation, whether it was the newness of having someone there to fight for her, or because at no point during this conversation had anyone talked about what these “histories” and “pasts” actually were. Erin’s, she had an idea of, but what had Jay been through that raised such a red flag for Sharon? Avery had no clue, but something told her that dinner probably wasn’t the best place to bring it up.

Luckily, the waiter chose that moment to arrive with their food, and Erin chose that moment to launch into a fond description of Will and Natalie and Owen, and they eased gently into conversation.

By the end of dinner, Avery almost believed that they could be a proper family. Almost.

After dessert, they began to gather their things and made to leave. Sharon insisted on paying the check even though Jay and Erin protested persistently (persuaded, eventually, only by Avery’s “Jeez, guys. Just take the free meal!”). Jay and Avery left first, leaving Erin and Sharon behind and making their way to the parking lot, still chatting.

Erin smiled as she watched them, and it was only what she bent over to pick up her scarf from where it had fallen during the meal, that she realized that Sharon was doing the same. “You know, I’ve been Avery’s social worker for the past four and a half years, and every single placement that I’ve found for her has fallen through. It never gets easier, you know? Getting their hopes up only for them to lash out and blame you when it all goes wrong and inevitably ends.”

Erin looked at her. “At least this time, she knows it’s only temporary?” she offered in an attempt to make Sharon rest easier.

Sharon nodded, and then suddenly, as if a light had been flicked on inside her brain, she snapped her head up to face Erin properly. “But what if it didn’t have to be?” she asked, the idea sparkling in her eyes.

Erin’s jaw dropped. “You mean –”

“I mean, this dinner went well. Extremely well, in fact. I can see how dedicated you and Jay are, and from what you were saying about your friends and family, you have plenty of support. What if you, maybe, considered – considered becoming official, long term foster parents for Avery.”

“Sharon…” Erin breathed. She didn’t know what to say. “I really, really don’t know if we’re ready for that…”

“I – of course,” she backtracked hastily. “That was unprofessional of me. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not that,” Erin reassured her. “It’s just…Avery just moved in. This is all happening really fast…”

“I know,” the social worker told her. “I’m sorry. I got ahead of myself. But seeing you guys with her really got me thinking.” She paused. “Do you want to know what else Jay said to me earlier that really persuaded me?”

Erin nodded.

“’You take Erin Lindsay away from this kid and you take away the best chance she’s got.’” She quoted Jay’s words perfectly.

Erin choked up a little at the phrase. “I…” she began, but she didn’t know how to respond.

“Erin, I think he’s right. And I’m not asking you to make any decisions right away. You have until your case is over, after all, and the protective custody can be lifted…but just think about it?”

Erin took a deep breath. She wanted it. So badly. Of course she did. If Erin really was Avery’s best chance, then she’d do whatever she could to make sure that Avery stayed with her. But first, she needed to know that this was actually the case – and that she wasn’t just clinging to Avery for personal, or worse still, selfish reasons.

“Okay,” she caved. “I’ll consider it. But no promises. And no one else finds out, understood?”

Sharon nodded. “Understood. Thanks, Erin.”

The two of them followed Jay and Avery out to the parking lot. They had taken refuge from the bitter cold in the car, and were bonding excitedly over their mutual disgust of Erin’s music taste. Apparently classic rock wasn’t Avery’s thing, either. She said goodbye to Sharon and made her way to the car, and threw open the door to the driver’s seat where Jay was sitting, looking like a guilty puppy.

“Out,” Erin commanded, and Jay saluted ironically, nudging Avery out of the passenger’s side. She just shrugged and climbed over into the back seat, ignoring both Erin and Jay’s protests at her dirty shoes scuffing the leather seats of their precious car.

Erin shook her head and twisted the key in the ignition, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

Jay’s phone rang suddenly and he answered it within seconds, seeing that the caller ID was Will.

“Hey, brother,” he greeted him. “What’s up?”

“Well, you seem awfully chipper. That got anything to do with a phone call I got from DCFS earlier?”

The knowing tone of Will’s voice made Jay panic.

“Why did they…?”

“Relax, Jay,” Will chuckled down the line. “Erin wrote Nat and I down as emergency contacts, and they rang to check that this was okay and that they had all of our information correct.”

“Phew,” Jay smiled. After this morning, he’d half expected Will to say he’d been interrogated by Sharon the way that he had.

“Anyway, where are you, little brother?” Will asked.

“Who’s asking?” Jay raised an eyebrow. They were nearly back at the apartment.

“Me and Nat. We’ve been waiting at your place for the past ten minutes with a bottle of wine. Please tell me you’ll be back soon. I’ve been dying for a drink all day.”

“Uh…” Jay covered the speaker with the palm of his hand as he spoke to Erin and Avery in the car. “Will and Natalie are waiting for us to celebrate and meet Avery. You guys okay with that? I know it’s late and we’re working tomorrow, so I can get rid of them if you want…”

“No, I want to meet them,” Avery smiled.

“It’s not that late,” Erin said. “And it’s not like you have school tomorrow or anything.”

“Okay. Yeah, Will,” he returned to the phone conversation. “We’ll be five minutes.”

“Sweet. See you, Jay. And by the way…I’m really proud of you.” He hung up before Jay could respond, but a huge grin spread across Jay’s face nonetheless.

☆

“Avery!” Erin called from the kitchen the next morning as the light streamed through the huge glass window and bathed Chicago in the fresh glow of a November morning. Jay had made breakfast – eggs on toast, Erin’s favorite – but so far Avery hadn’t emerged from her bedroom. Erin frowned. “Should I be worried?” she asked Jay, who just shrugged.

“It’s only seven, and she’s a teenage girl. She’s probably still asleep.”

Erin chuckled lightly. “After last night? I’ll bet.”

Will and Natalie had been at their place for hours – drinking beer and laughing and chatting away to Avery. They told stories of their work, of Owen, of each other and how they met and of times they’d spent with Erin and Jay, and Will even cracked out some of the old baby Jay stories and told Avery some of the things the two brothers got up to when they were growing up, which made her laugh.

At some point during the night, though, Avery had snuck out to the bathroom without anyone noticing. She had stood over the bathroom sink, staring at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t explain what was wrong – she was having a great time, and everyone here was being so nice to her, and not pity-nice, either, genuinely nice – but for some reason she just felt incredible detached. It was like she was floating above herself, watching her body talk and laugh and have fun, and she couldn’t get back down to earth.

Maybe it was the drugs. Or, more specifically, the lack of them – she hadn’t had a fix since Erin and Jay had found her in the alleyway and although she wasn’t feeling it just yet, she had become slightly twitchy in the last hour or so, and she figured that the withdrawal was on its way.

Erin didn’t know any of this, of course, and Avery didn’t want her to. Although she was grateful to Erin for helping her out, she knew it was only temporary. And, in spite of herself, she hated the feeling that being here gave her: that she was a charity project. That she was dependent on somebody else. She didn’t like needing people.

So she splashed a bit of water on her face, smiled into the mirror and stepped outside.

“Erin?” she’d said quietly, and Erin had turned around.

“Is everything okay?” she asked her, a look of fond concern on her face as she put down her drink.

Avery nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just – really tired. Do you mind if I go to bed?”

Erin smiled. “No, not at all! Hey – I know this was probably a bit overwhelming for you, and I’m sorry if you feel that way…?” she said it as if it were a question, and Avery felt the need to respond.

“Uh…no – no, it was fun. Your friends are really nice.”

Erin narrowed her eyes slowly, but didn’t push. “Okay, well. Sleep well. Thanks for being so brilliant today, I know it’s tough.”

Avery just nodded. “Night.” She looked over at Jay, Will and Natalie who were still deep in conversation. “Night, everyone. Nice to meet you.”

“Night,” Natalie and Will chorused and everyone started to chuckle at how utterly adorable the pair were. Even Avery smiled slightly.

Erin watched as she disappeared into her bedroom and shut the door. She had the feeling that something was wrong but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it – and if being in Avery’s position herself had taught her anything, it was that she would never violate her trust by going into her bedroom when she wasn’t wanted. So, even though she wanted to, she didn’t go and check on Avery until the next morning.

She left Jay in the kitchen and went to go wake Avery up. Although her rule about Avery’s bedroom being her own private place, she really did need to wake her up soon as she was supposed to be starting the school Voight had gotten her a place in today, and they were not about to be late.

“Avery,” she called again, knocking twice on the door, but the second she flung it open, she noticed that Avery was nowhere to be seen – and the window was wide open, the curtains flapping in the early morning breeze. “Son of a…” Erin whispered, staring in disbelief.

Where the hell had she gone? And, more importantly – why?

☆ ☆ ☆

thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic!! if you’d like to be notified when it’s updated either head over to my ff.net account or message me and i’ll tag you at the end of the post :)

@allenting @sophiaxjesse @writteninthestarsandthesky@riverdaleangels@chillmydude @halsteadpd

[minddimin]

book I’m writing

“Wake up Ella!” my mother calls up to my room, I groan and rub my eyes. I look at the clock and it reads 8:00 a.m. Darn it I’m going to be late to work again. I’m only sixteen but I have a really good job at the pet store and I’m attending a private school but I don’t go there until the afternoon. I haven’t really been looking forward to anything lately.  I have two best friends, their names are Becca and Zoey and they are really fun to hang out with. We make fun of the boys in our school and laugh at the popular girls. We live in the town of Weston and I guess it’s an alright town. It’s pretty small town and I like it, it’s pretty cozy. We all get together at Christmas at the Community Centre and exchange gifts to whomever we are closest with. Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I see a psychiatrist in the next town over, I haven’t told my friends but I think they know because I’ve been acting kind of off lately. I don’t want to tell them because I feel they might not look at me the same again and they’ll treat me differently. I don’t want them to do that, and what if the whole school overhears me tell them. I’ll be the school joke and that would be chaotic. I’ve been feeling weird with the medications, I’m bloated and I eat a lot now. I’m extremely thirsty. My mom says it’s good to drink water. I like drinking water though. So I better get off to work before I’m late.  I walk through the doors and smile at my co-workers and my boss. I put on my work gear and head to work. Emma Hastley, she’s a popular girl, and she walks to the cat food section. She ponders at a few, and I take a deep breath and walk over. I ask her, “Do you need any help?” she looks up and smiles, “Hi Ella, how are you today?” Luckily she’s one of the nice popular girls. “I’m fine thanks, how are you? That brand is good.” I say pointing to the cat food next to her, smiling. “Oh that’s really great to hear, I’m doing great thanks. Are you going to Max Austin’s party this weekend?” She says picking up the cat food I pointed out and begins walking to the till. “Mm. I’m not sure, maybe.” I say shoving my hands in my pockets. “Oh okay, well hope to see you there. I haven’t seen you at a party in months!” she said handing her money, I take out the change and hand it to her.  “I’ll sure think about it, maybe I’ll surprise everybody.” I sign out of work and head to school. I walk through the woods and the woods open up to the back of the school. I see all the classmates that are waiting outside the school and I groan. Why does there have to be so much people here? I walk through the crowd and see my two friends Becca and Zoey, “Hi guys. I’m sorry I’m late. I got off work late and woke up late. So that’s my reason for being late, what did I miss?” “Oh Ella!” they both exclaim, “we missed you, where have you been?!  We haven’t seen you all weekend. We thought for sure you’d be at Joel’s party!” I look at the ground and rub my foot into the ground. “I’ve been really busy. I had to go out of town to do some grocery shopping.” Well that isn’t a total lie. I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist and mom and I made it a girls’ day. We went to the salon and got manicures and pedicures. And we did do grocery shopping, so I wasn’t making things up. “I totally wanted to be there though!” I lied. I recently started to hate the parties and going out every weekend. I would’ve wanted to stay home and do girly things in my room and read magazines and talk about boys we liked. But that is totally grade eight. Nobody is into that anymore. I lost interest in many things, I don’t do soccer anymore. I miss the way my life used to be but nothing is interesting enough for me. I tried to get into Track and Field last month but I dropped out and my parents weren’t impressed because they paid to get me into it. Another thing I failed at. I am sitting in English class, and I am bored out of my mind. English isn’t a class I’m really good at. I’m flawless at Math though and that makes it my favorite subject. I doodle a picture of the teacher in my notebook, and he walks by, picking up my notebook and looking at it. “Well Ella, this is a really nice picture but you should be taking notes.” The class laughs, and I turn red in embarrassment. Why did he have to point me out? So embarrassing! I look behind me and see Lindsay Williams and Lacy Munro whispering and passing a note to Tony Adelaide and he opens it, and smirks. He looks up at me, and grins. I quickly look away and I hear the whispers, so I look at the back of the class and see people quickly look away as they notice me staring at them. The note is passed around the class and it eventually makes its way to me, and I open it and it says. “Ella is so weird. Bet she has a crush on the teacher.” I look down at my desk and sit there in silence as the whispers continue. I turn red, and I get up and walk out of the classroom. Mr. Andrews calls after me but I ignore him, I walk into the girls’ bathroom and sit on the floor in one of the stalls. I don’t understand the point of my life, I write in my notebook as I cry. I leave the school and start walking home, taking the same route I did this afternoon. I wipe the tear that rolled down my cheek, and take a deep breath. In and out, just like Dr. Stephens taught me. I enter my home and go up to my bedroom, I pull out my favorite book; two girls staring at the ceiling by Lucy Frank and put on some headphones. I put the music to Kim Taylor- Lost and Found. I read a couple chapters and I put the book down, and sit at my desk, trying to do some homework from the night before. I sigh, and look out the window. I see my parents pull up and I go to my bed and pretend to be asleep. “Ella!” they call up to my bedroom, and I hear their footsteps approach. They open my bedroom door and peek in, my mother Alice comes in and my father David puts a blanket over me, and my mother smooths the blanket and kisses my forehead. My parents are so loving, I think, I don’t deserve them… I could’ve been something better for them. I could’ve been a better daughter with good grades and many skills. But I’m not. My father smooths my hair, “we’ll talk to her later… let her sleep.” They leave my room and close the door, I sigh. Slowly opening my eyes, I turn onto my back and look at the ceiling. I wonder what they want to talk to me about, probably about leaving school. Darn it, I forgot my backpack at school too. I “wake up” and walk to the bathroom, closing the door and close the door. I start taking off my clothes and turn on the shower. I like the water hot and then cold. I dry off and put some comfy clothes on. I walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. My mother stands by the oven putting in a roast with potatoes and vegetables. “Looks fantastic mom,” I say. She smiles and calls over my father. “We want to talk to you about what happened at school today sweetie, why’d you walk out of school? Your teachers are worried, and so are we. Are you feeling okay? Do we need to try a different med-“ I interrupt them “Mom, dad. Enough, I’m okay. I swear. It’s just… I needed to come home because I felt ill. We don’t have to try a different medication. I’m okay. It’s just the flu or something.” They nod their heads and look down. “We know it’s something more sweetie, you don’t have to hide anything from us. We hope you know that. We won’t bug you anymore, but if there’s something wrong just tell us, okay?” I nod. “Yeah, Mom and Dad, I’ll tell you.” I say as I retreat upstairs, and go into my room. I sit down at my desk and take out my drawing book, and sketch a few pictures. I grab my laptop and go to my bed, and scroll through Tumblr. I look at the pictures of the people cutting and quotes about suicide and depression and what it’s like having BPD. I look at my pencil sharpener and I feel the urge to take the blades out. You’re thinking irrationally Ella, you won’t do that. Who the hell would? Many people cope well with this disorder. I think to myself. I take a deep breath and re-post a picture I seen. I sigh again, “Ella! Dinner’s ready!” my mother calls to me. “I’m coming mom!” I yell at her, and close my laptop. I walk down the steps and sit at my usual spot, my mother sets everything on the table and she asks “do you want some vegetables sweetie?” I shrug, “maybe only a little bit. I’m not really hungry.” My father looks at my mother, “are you sure you’re feeling okay sweetie? You’re usually hungry by the time we’re home.” I nod. I take a bite of my food and thank my mom. “Thanks for supper mom, I really appreciate it.” I smile to show them that I’m okay. “No problem sweetie, I like for you to have a nice supper to keep that body of yours healthy.” They think that I’ve been mentally ill since the age of thirteen. I mean I thought I was going through some normal teenage emotions and changes. But it turns out I have two mental illnesses and that’s not a great thing to find out, I’m totally embarrassed. I hear about the stigma surrounding BPD and I don’t like what people have to say about it. People make it seem like having a mental illness is bad, and I guess in a way it is. You lose interest in things, you’re constantly in bed, and bored out of your mind but you can’t bring yourself to do anything fun because you won’t like it anyway. There isn’t much keeping me here now, I often think of death but I’m too afraid to die. I mean, why am I having these thoughts lately? Maybe the medication is making me feel this way, I should stop taking them. I’m in my bedroom, listening to music with my headphones on and lying in bed looking up at the ceiling, in the dark. I’m mouthing along to the words and it seems okay. But I have learned not to hope so much that things are going good, because once I start thinking that things are going to be okay they turn to shit. I’m tired of the constant shift in my emotions. It’s exhausting to be this way all the time. I better get to bed. I have school in the morning. Friday’s you go to school in the morning, and the rest of the week is in the afternoons. I’m not sure I mentioned that. I quickly fall asleep while listening to Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey. I wake up to the sun shining through the blinds on my window, I groan. I look at the time and it reads 6:00 a.m. I get up and brush my hair, quickly throwing it into a French braid. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and put on some make up, doing this routine is so hard every day. It’s a simple routine, but it gets annoying when you’re depressed because you’d rather be lying in bed. My life wasn’t always this way, it was simple. I remember some happy moments from when I was twelve, my birthday party was amazing. We had a bouncy castle and Lacy was my best friend in Elementary School. I loved frogs and bugs, while Lacy loved Barbie, so I guess that’s why we grew apart. We just don’t have the same interests, but now I am a girl just living in an ordinary town with two best friends and the perfect parents. But I seem to be the problem, I don’t know why I have these thoughts but I have them and it’s so difficult to deal with. I looked my illness up and it said we have different perceptions of ourselves. That we think lowly of ourselves, and we have suicidal thoughts and we can act on them and be impulsive. I’m completely terrified of what I might do. I think I’ll have to go into the hospital because I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage on my own, it’s getting harder to manage my emotions and these medications don’t seem to be working. I have to talk to my parents before I do something… I close my diary and close my eyes, and I take a deep breath trying to manage my emotions. Cool off and slow my thoughts. I go into my parents’ bedroom and crawl into bed with them, my mother wakes up and she wraps her arms around me. My father wakes up and smiles, tucking my hair behind my ear. I start to cry and they look at me with concerned faces. They ask, “Ella, what’s the matter?” I take a deep breath in and continue crying, my mother gets tears in her face. My father holds me, and my mother holds my hand, “Mom, Dad. I’ve been thinking – thinking that I might kill myself.” My mother starts to cry and so does my father. We lay like that for a while, just holding each other and they thank me for telling them. They tell me that we’re going to get through things together and that they’ll get me the help they need no matter how much it may cost. “Ella, your life is precious to us and we love you so much, let’s go to the hospital.” I nod and go to my room to pack my things, we get in the car and we start the two hour drive to six towns later, which reveal a big city. Two hours later, we arrive at the hospital and we check in with the nurses. They immediately call me back and the doctor comes in with a concerned face, and he introduces himself. “Hi Ella, my name is Doctor Richardson. Nice to meet you, I want to say thank you for coming in today. You’re so brave.” I shake his hand and nod, trying to contain my emotions as he utters those words. “Why don’t we talk about what brought these feelings on lately?” My tears flow out of me like a river dam that burst and I say through my crying, “I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression, and I guess all that and the emotions I get and the thoughts that associate with the illnesses just got to me. I came in today so I wouldn’t hurt myself because I don’t want to die, I want to live my life happily but lately I’m not happy. I dropped out of so many things that I enjoyed, I was going to be my class Valedictorian but then my grades dropped because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I just recently started going back to school, and now. I can’t even bring myself to school because there are kids passing notes about me because I was drawing a picture of the teacher and – and everything is just falling apart.” I cry harder and try to catch my breath, he pushes a box of Kleenex towards me and I take a tissue.  “I’m so sorry Mom and Dad. I should’ve told you before it got this bad.” They dab their eyes with tissues and my mother blows her nose, “it’s okay sweetie, we’re going to get you help now.”  The doctor finishes his notes and he says, “So Ella, we’re going to admit you to the adolescent mental health ward and I’ll contact your psychiatrist and tell her that we’re admitting you.” I thank the doctor and change into the hospital gown they gave me. The nurse smiled at me and introduced herself. “Hi Ella, I’m Hannah. I’ll be the nurse looking after you today until you go up to the floor.” I forced a smile, “Hi.” It took two hours to get me up to the ward and the nurses and child and youth workers there were nice to me. There were twelve other people there. They all seemed nice, some had scars on their arms and others kept to themselves. I sit by myself when the food arrives, and I don’t even eat it. I push the food around on my plate and I ask to be excused, “yes Ella you may leave the dining room.” A nurse follows me, “Hi Ella, I’m Natalia. Are you okay? I noticed you didn’t eat anything.” I walk to my room and I say, “I’m just not hungry. I think I’m going to sleep for a bit.” She nods, “okay. Well there’s going to be group in a bit and I’ll come to get you or your roommate will wake you up.” She smiles at me and closes the door, I put my clothes away in the dresser they have. I lie on my bed and close my eyes, I fall asleep quickly, exhausted from all the crying. I wake to rustling beside me, I look over at the other side of the room, “oh, hello. I’m Taylor. It’s time for group. I’m just collecting my papers for group.” She smiles at me, and I notice the cuts on her arm and she notices, so she pulls her sleeve down. “Well, come on then.” I get up and smooth my covers, and follow her out to the room down the hallway. “Everyone here is nice and so is the therapist. Her name is Felicia.” I nod and we enter the room, everyone looks at me and I look down, pulling at my sleeves. Felicia looks up from the paperwork and she smiles at me, “Hi you must be Ella. Come have a seat.” I take a seat beside Natalia, and the guy sitting beside Natalia says “Hi, I’m Wade.” I nod and force a smile, “Oh we got a smile out of her!” Natalia exclaims, “I smile.” I say, looking down and the smile on my face disappears. “Oh Ella, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“ she says quietly, I cut her off. “It’s fine. I’m just going to go back to my room, I leave and I go to my room. I lie back down and close my eyes, and try to fight off the tears. I just wanted to fold up and stop, I didn’t want to think anymore. The therapist Felicia comes in. She knocks. “Hello Ella?” I groan. “I’m here to talk to you, I want you to know that it’s okay if you miss one session but you have to come from now on.” I sit up and look at her, “I’m sorry for coming here. There are people here with bigger problems.” She looks me in the eyes, and sits beside me. “Just like you.”

She gets up and leaves, I sit there thinking about what she said. I took my diary out of my backpack and got a pen, I wrote a page and a half. I don’t know if being here in the hospital is a good thing for me. I feel like I don’t belong in here, I think I’ll get my parents to sign me out. But what if I go home and I feel bad again… I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to hurt my parents. Maybe I could stick this out. I’m just a lost girl who doesn’t matter after all. I’m never going to get better. That’s what the website said. So it must be true. I have to leave before I get my hopes up too high. I get up and go to the nursing station. “Hi, I was wondering if I could get the papers to sign myself out. I’d really appreciate it.” The nurse behind the station looks up, and she smiles at me. “I’m sorry sweetie. I can’t without the doctors’ permission. You’ll have to speak with your psychiatrist.” I rub my hands on my pants, “Please. I want to go home.” In that instant, the door to the ward opens and I run towards it. The orderlies run after me and they eventually catch me and drag me back to the ward. I scream and kick. They grab my legs and arms. They carry me back as I struggle. I’m begging them to let me go home, and there are people looking at us. We get back to the ward and they put me in my room, but there are restraints there on my bed. They moved my roommate out of the room and they put me on the bed, I’m screaming for help but no one is moving to help me. Instead the nurses come to help the orderlies put me in these restraints and I continue screaming and fighting. The psychiatrist comes in and looks at me, and says something to the nurse. The other nurses come back with a needle with some fluid in it and I try to squirm away because I have a fear of needles. “PLEASE NO! NO. I DON’T WANT THAT!” They hold me still and the nurse calmly talks to me, “It’s okay sweetheart, one little pinch. Deep breath in and out.” The fluid immediately knocks me out, I wake up a couple hours later. I’m still in the restraints and I hear the voices of my parents shouting. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR DAUGHTER?” I yell for them, “MOM. DAD, HELP ME!” They rush towards the sound of my voice and burst through the doors, they see me restrained to the bed. “Get her out of these restraints. We are taking our daughter home.” My father demands. “I’m afraid you can’t do that, she is a danger to herself and she clearly showed that to us by taking off. So we are holding her under a seventy two hour observation. If you have a problem with that contact a lawyer. If you wish to do so, you may contact the Hearing Board and apply for a hearing. I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jorgenson. We’ll have to escort you out,” says the psychiatrist. The orderlies move towards my parents and they grab a hold of my father, and drag him out. “ELLA. WE’LL COME FOR YOU.” I start to cry and try to get out of the restraints, they sedate me again and I sleep until the next day. The psychiatrist comes in, and gets the orderlies to take the restraints off. “Hi Ella, sorry about yesterday we were just fearing for your safety. Your parents have applied for a hearing, and if they lose you will have to stay for the full seventy two hours. After that, I’m not sure what we’re going to do but if you manage to keep yourself safe while you’re here I’m sure we can let you go home. Is that a deal?” I nod frantically, and rub my wrists and ankles. “I’m sure it was uncomfortable being in the restraints but we had to ensure that you were safe. We don’t want you hurting yourself while you’re here in the hospital.”

I walk the halls of the ward and spot my old roommate. I go up to her and say, “I’m sorry you had to be moved out of your room. I’m sure that sucked, who’s your roommate now?” She looks at me and smiles, “oh it’s okay. We all have tough moments and my new roommate is Michelle. She’s a nice girl but I wish I was your roommate we could’ve had fun and did girly things.” I stuff my hands in my pockets and look down, “yeah that would’ve been nice. I haven’t done anything girly in a long time.  I haven’t had much interest in anything lately so having an interest in something is really great.” I smile at her. Wade walks up to us, and he smiles at me. “Hi Ella, are you okay? I heard what happened and I just want you to know that we’re here for you if you ever need to talk. Sometimes talking to the psychiatrist can be a little intimidating, so you can talk to us.” I look him in the eyes and thank him, “really? That would be so great.” I grin. Today’s been the greatest I’ve felt in a really long time, one of the nurses come up and smiles. “So glad to see you smiling today Ella, if you need anything come to the nursing station.” Wade waves at me to get my attention and smiles when I look at him. “Ella, did anyone tell you how beautiful you are?” I blush and look down. “Oh Wade!” Laughs Taylor. ”That was so smooth.” I thank him and turn to leave. I rush down the hallway and look back to see him watching me. That was unexpected.  I wonder why he said that. I go into the bathroom and they have those plastic mirrors and I look at myself. Am I really beautiful? I look at my long, wavy brown hair and full lips. I look into my hazel eyes and smirk. I guess I’m not too bad now that he planted that in my head. I twirl my hair with my finger. I walk out of the bathroom and walk to my room to have a little snooze before group. I quickly fall asleep and wake to the sound of knocking on my door. “Wake up Ella, it’s time for group. My name’s Charlie and I’m going to be your nurse today. Your child and youth worker will be Jenna.” He smiles at me and writes his name on the board in my room. He quickly leaves and waves goodbye before he closes the door. I get up and brush my teeth, putting my hair in a bun. I put on comfy clothes, and I walk to group. I sit beside Wade and Taylor. Wade smiles at me and I turn red immediately. I turn my focus to the therapist. I sit in awe taking in everything she was saying. I go up to her after the group was over and smiled, “Felicia. That was such a great group. I totally didn’t want it to end. I think I’m going to like this.” She smiles at me, “well hello Ella, it’s good to see that you are here today. We’ll be learning more about the topic tomorrow if you really enjoyed it.” I nod, “I’ll totally be there. I want to learn more before I go home, because I could really use these skills and integrate them into everyday life.” She nods and walks with me down the hall towards the nursing station, “I’m glad you want to do that. I should take note of that so the psychiatrist sees how much you want to get better.” I grin and thank her. I follow Wade and Taylor to the dining room. Dinner smells really good and my stomach rumbles. Tonight dinner is Meatballs and Spaghetti, and I scarf the food down from not eating anything all day. Wade walks me back to my room and we stop outside my room, and I look at him. “Why’d you call me beautiful?” I ask, and he looks at me and grins, “Because you are beautiful. And I don’t just say that to girls, I mean it Ella.” I blush and look away, I spot a nurse and shoo him away before we get in trouble. “I’ll talk to you later Ella, meet me in the dining room.” I nod and he walks away, I watch him as he rounds the corner to the men’s part of the ward. I go into my room and my heart is racing, I lean against the door and I go to my dresser. I pull out my diary and write about how I’m feeling and write down what happened today.

Becca and Zoey came to visit me today. It was quite awkward for me to let them see me in here. I feel quite crazy now that they know about my mental illnesses. They kept looking at each other and it seemed like they wanted to tell me something but they were holding back. I’m worried that they might tell the whole school but they’re my best friends and they’d never do such a thing. I’m just being paranoid. It was great to see a familiar face, my parents haven’t come back. I think it’s because the ward won’t let them. At least that’s what I think. I miss them so much and it’s only been 34 hours since I came here. The time is going by so slowly, I never met up with Wade last night. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, I am not here for a relationship with someone. I’m here to focus on myself, and I can’t have any distractions because I got to get home, and being home may seem scary now. But I have to eventually go back. I can’t live here in the hospital all my life. I talked to the psychiatrist an hour ago and he said that my parents lost the hearing. So I’m stuck here until my seventy two hours are up and he wants to put me on stronger medications to help with my mood swings and impulsive thoughts. This is great because I don’t want to feel the way I felt when I came in. My thoughts are chaotic right now and my mind is collapsing in one itself again. I don’t think that I can handle any of this much longer. I’m going to ask for a pass so I can go to the store and buy a razor. Or a bottle of pills, it’ll be simple.

I asked the psychiatrist if I could go on a pass and he said it was fine, my, my, what a stupid psychiatrist. Unless he wants me dead this could be a possibility. I’m going to go out on my pass and thank God I packed my debit card to buy these things. I should leave a note behind for my parents to read once the hospital realizes I’m gone. I’ve thought about it before, about killing myself. But not like this. Not so real. I go to my room and write a note to my parents. Mom and Dad, I want you to know that I love you so much. You are the greatest parents ever and I never imagined when I was younger that I would result to this. I never thought I’d be this way and you probably thought the same. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I know this might be difficult. Why did I have to be this way, I have you two. The perfect parents and I had good academic results. Living has become this constant nightmare, and it affects my everyday life. My school, my grades, my accomplishments, all I know is that I wake up every morning feeling like complete shit. Tell my friends that I love them, and I love you too. I wish that I was strong enough to fight this to the end, but there is not an end to this. This is the only end and I had to do this, so don’t blame yourselves because it’s not your fault. I love you. A tear rolls down my face and I fold up the note, writing please give to my parents, and I leave. I run through the hospital and down the hospital steps, onto the street where I nearly get hit by a car. The driver honks his horn and yells at me, I run a couple blocks down the road and I enter a store, I go to the pharmacy area and look for Tylenol. I go to the tools area and find an Xacto-knife. I purchase these objects and walk to a wooded area and walk at least 8 kilometres in. I open the bottle of pills and begin shoving handfuls of pills into my mouth and downing them with the Gatorade I bought. I then put the Xacto-knife on my wrists and push down and slice. I bite my lip and scream quietly. I cut deep and I lie down and close my eyes. Hours pass and I hear sirens from way off in the distance. They won’t find me in time. I think, and then I begin losing consciousness. “ELLA! ELLA!” I don’t fight to keep my eyes open, I feel myself slipping away. And darkness swallows me whole.

[mousedetective]

Comparing Notes (An “All’s Fair” Story)

Just trying to (quickly) transfer the series from LJ to AO3. Here’s a fic with a girl’s’ night out between Angell and Lindsay.

Comparing Notes - Angell and Lindsay have a girl's night out.

Read @ AO3 | Buy Me A Coffee? | Send Me A Prompt

"I can't believe he pulled that on me!" Lindsay turned to Angell as they both lounged in the office Lindsay shared with Hawkes. "How did you deal with Flack ditching you for the game last night?"

"He didn't ditch me, actually," Angell said with a shrug. "That ticket Danny got was supposed to be mine but I got scheduled to work. So I asked Don to see if Danny wanted to go. Would have been a shame to waste it." She paused. "But I did not tell him to tell Danny to blow you off. If you two had something planned he should have told you the truth."

"Yes, he should have," Lindsay said, glowering slightly.

Angell looked at her for a moment and then smiled. "Hey...why don't you and I hang out tonight? Let the guys go do their thing. Maybe we can bring some of the other women in. Just get drinks and relax, you know?"

"Doesn't sound like a bad idea. I know Danny had wanted to spend some time together tonight but at this point..." Lindsay looked at her. "Are you going to miss seeing Flack tonight?"

"You know, he is fully capable of coming over to my place later tonight, once we're done hanging out," she said with a laugh. "And if he's too tired, it's okay. I do have a life that doesn't constantly involve him."

"You know, after you got hurt, I fully expected him to not let you out of his sight," Lindsay replied.

"He didn't, for about a week or two. And that was fine with me. I kind of needed to have an eye kept on me, you know? But by the end of that time, we both realized I'd suffocate if I spent all my time with him. That's why he encouraged you and Stella to check up on me." She played with the pen on Hawkes's desk slightly. "He was weaning himself off of being my constant companion. He knew that if one of you guys was around, I'd still feel safe."

"He's a lot smarter than we give him credit for, isn't he?"

"Maybe a lot smarter than you guys give him credit for," Angell said with a smirk. "Me? I know exactly what he's about, and there's times I consider him a freakin' genius."

"You guys have the best relationship of anyone I've ever met," Lindsay said.

"That's not true. You and Danny have it pretty good."

"Yeah, but we fight. I've never seen you two fight."

"You're right, we don't fight." Angell leaned back in her seat. "We argue sometimes. And sometimes those arguments get a little heated. But...there's a difference between fighting and arguing. And we take a break from the argument before it goes to that level. It just works well for us."

"I should start doing the same with Danny, I think," Lindsay replied.

"It makes life a lot easier." Angell's phone began to ring. "Hopefully that's Mac. When do you get off?"

"Six."

"Meet you here then," Angell said. "See if Stella wants to join us?"

"Sure."

Angell grinned at her and answered the phone, walking out of the office and leaving Lindsay to her own thoughts again.

---

"Too bad Stella couldn't join us," Angell said.

"Yeah, I think she'd appreciate Italian this good," Lindsay said, staring at the dinner she was halfway done eating. The two of them had gone to the Italian restaurant close to Angell's apartment. After dinner they were going to head to a movie, one of those chick flicks that neither Danny or Flack ever went to see without a lot of complaining and bribing.

"If she ever gets down I can bring her here for lunch." She set down her fork. "A long lunch, though. You don't rush eating food like this."

"Amen," Lindsay replied. "And there's so much of it! I think I'm actually kind of full."

"Not me," she said. "But I ordered less than you did. If you don't want the rest of your food, I'll eat it."

Lindsay passed Angell her plate. "Flack must have felt like he died and went to heaven when you introduced him to this place."

"He's on a first name basis with the owners now," Angell said with a grin. "We eat here at least once a week, if not more. And on the rare occasions I come here without him, I am given food to give to him."

"Like tonight?"

She shook her head. "I didn't want to carry it into the movies with me."

"He'll be disappointed."

"No, he won't. After we leave, he's coming by to pick up some dinner for himself."

"Why's he waiting until we leave?"

"Because this is a girls night. He doesn't want to intrude. He and Danny have enough boy's nights out...he agreed with me that we need some time spent together without them around."

"If I didn't already care about Danny so much I'd start dating Flack."

"Hands off," Angell said. "Don's a nice guy, but I kind of like having him all to myself most of the time."

"How often do you guys actually see each other?"

"At work, not that often. Usually, we're on different cases, and when one of us is at the precinct the other one's somewhere else. But we make it a point to catch up in some way every night. There are some nights where all I get is a quick phone call because something's come up." She thought for a moment. "I get to actually spend time with him maybe three nights a week? Something like that."

"That's not a lot," she said.

"It's better than nothing. I'm happy with it for now."

"For now?"

Angell shrugged slightly. "Things are getting more serious, I think. If it keeps getting serious, I'd like to see him more."

"Yeah, I know the feeling. Danny's been kind of feeling out whether I might consider moving in with him or not."

"And would you?"

Lindsay was quiet for a moment before she nodded. "Yeah. I think I would."

"Then good for you," Angell said with a grin. "I think that calls for a toast." She raised up her wineglass. "To the domestication of Danny Messer."

Lindsay laughed and clinked her glass against Angell's. "Here, here."

---

It was about three hours later when she and Lindsay parted ways and Angell was deposited by cab in front of her building to find Flack sitting on the steps with a brown paper bag at his feet.

"I really need to give you a key or something," she said.

He blinked. "Are you serious?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I am. Not that I don't like seeing you waiting for me on the steps, but..." She sat down next to him. "I bet you'd be more comfortable on my couch, watching whatever game happens to be on."

"I would," he said slowly. "But I don't want to rush things."

"Would you give me a key?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said with a nod.

"Then we aren't rushing things." She set her head on his shoulder. "What's in the bag?"

"Cannolis," he replied. "You didn't have dessert with dinner, and Angelina thought you might want some."

"She's really sweet," she replied. "I think I would like one."

"Well, why don't we get up and go inside and I can tell you all about Danny's grand plan to get Lindsay to not be pissed at him."

"This, I think I want to hear," she said with a laugh, lifting her head up and then standing up. She offered him her hand and he used it to pull himself up. When he was up she stepped up one step and got eye to eye with him before leaning in and kissing him softly. "After we eat, though," she said quietly when she was done.

"Okay," he said, leaning down to pick up the bag and then taking the hand she offered again.

[maarlathvhenan]

Nirvana, RHCP, and Pearl Jam for that ask thing ♥️

Thx, love ♥ (edit:: I am V SORRY that this got V LONG I just talk SO MUCH)

Nirvana: Do you believe in God? Are you flannel or sweaters person? Where’s your happy place? Do you like your family? What stereotype were/are you closest to in high school? 

     I’m not sure I believe in God. I believe it’s just an idea, a concept, for people to latch onto in times of trouble for hope and faith. Some thing for others to believe in when need be. I’m not sure if I believe in the whole “(S)he’s watching you all the time and judging you.”

     I do appreciate a nice flannel. I wear the few I have all the time. Whether it’s around my waist or actually around my body, I usually wear them all the time.

     My happy place is anywhere I can just stop worrying about life and sit with myself. Right now, that place is my bedroom. 

     I love my family more than anything. At the end of the day, we have each other. There’s a lot going on in my family right now, so we gotta stick together and help each other thru this rough patch. Emotions are running high right now.

     I fit into like the 90s freak/rocker bad girl sterotype probably. Like, Lindsay Weir and Daniel Desario from Freaks and Geeks had a baby and that baby went on to be a rockstar

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Are you a go-with-the-flow person? What’s a dream you’ve had that you’ll never forget? Are you a spiritual at all? What was the saddest point in your life? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done? 

     I am very much a go-with-the-flow person. I’m not one to make plans or plan many things out. I just live second by second. 

     I had this one dream when I had first started getting into the Red Hot Chili Peppers that consisted of them doing a concert in a city near mine and their tour bus or van or whatevs had broken down like 6 minutes from my place and they were walking around door to door trying to see if they can find someone who will take them in for the night while the bus or van gets fixed up so Anthony came to my house and knocked on my patio door and asked if he could come crash and I was like “fuck okay yeah sure I have school in the morning and no one is usually home during that time” and he was like “well alright I’ll just go to school with you then and learn about my new lil friend” so he went to school with me the next day. Then Flea found where Anthony was and was like “hey who’s this?” and Anthony was like “this is Bek and she’s letting us stay here till the bus gets fixed” so Flea went and got Chad and Flea and Chad returned but no one knew where Josh was so they just figured he was helping fix up the bus but after like an hour of like hanging out at my house Josh like runs up to the house like “shit there you guys are” and comes into my house too and so all of the Red Hot Chili Peppers were staying at my house for a few days and it was lit.

I also had another dream like that but it was with Fall Out Boy and in the dream, they had been friends with my oldest brother and so my brother had gotten them to come to the house to perform for like my 20th or 21st birthday and they did great and then me and Andy Hurley became really close and hooked up and then started dating and stuff and I went with them on their next tour

     I’m a little spiritual. I believe spirits exist among us and I try to open myself up to them to show themselves and stuff like that.

     The saddest point in my life has lasted a very long time. It’s still going. These last two years have been filled with nothing but death of loved ones, loved icons, and legends in my life. 

     The craziest thing I’ve ever done was probably going skinny dipping in broad daylight with one of my friends while a few of our other friends were a few feet away from us. Good times.

Pearl Jam: What charity do you donate to (or would like to donate to) most? Do you think art should be a mode of autobiography? What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever survived? Were/are you good at school? Where’s somewhere you’ve always wanted to roadtrip?  

     J/P HRO is a non-profit organisation that has peaked my interest thru Pearl Jam actually. That, and the Vitalogy Foundation.

     I most definitely think art should be a mode of autobiography. Art is the purest form of expression and expression is who you are. 

     College. College is the hardest thing I’ve had to survive. That, and losing both my grandfathers in just two years time and not being able to say “Goodbye” to either of me. 

     I was good at some aspects of school. Homework was never a friend of mine. I passed with C’s mostly. I never did homework, but I was a master at taking tests and quizzes and writing essays.

     I’ve always wanted to take a roadtrip to Seattle. Always. More than anything. 

Only recently have I wanted to roadtrip to Colorado and Indiana, but I still plan on doing all three of these roadtrips in one go. I want this.

I need this. 

[furfaceboyblog-blog]

SAN DIEGO

Over this past weekend I headed out to San Diego for the Agenda Trade Show. I wasn't an exhibitor or a buyer but I wanted to go to take in the experience of a trade show. That way, I could prepare myself for the future, if you know what I'm saying...wink, wink.

At Agenda, I met some FANTASTIC people! I was straight up with them and told them that I wasn't an exhibitor nor a buyer and that I was there to just get some insight and pointers on how to start my own brand. Things like what inspired / motivated  them to do what they're doing, how to market myself better, what and how to do things and what pitfalls to avoid. As an appreciation of taking the time and inspiring me, I presented them with a FREE FIRST EVER PRINTING Fur Face Boy shirt! WooOooOoo! The guy below is Mikey Carbonneau. He's with DCMA Collective and was the first guy I talked to. I felt like such an idiot at first stating what I was doing, but after realizing how cool everyone was, it became a piece-o-cake!

Well, well...who do we have here? To tell you the truth...I have no idea! I guess I became so trigger happy passing out shirts and taking photos in the beginning that I forgot who I gave this shirt to. Either way, I'm glad he's proudly representing his brand new Fur Face Boy shirt! Thanks, mystery man!

These two wild and crazy guys are from Ludwig. They have a fantastic brand and I love their stuff!

Quick! Everyone look busy! It's Malcolm Phipps, President of Double Helix NYC! Malcom wasn't shy at all about giving me insight to his brand. I swear it seemed like he talked to me for like a whole hour. He had a real passion for his brand, something everyone MUST HAVE when starting out. Anyways, Malcom's a real great guy and a real class act! 

Look into these eyes. Do you see that intenseness, that determination and that drive? That's that passion I was talking about earlier and Dennis Yu of the Natural Selection Agency (Mishka, Edwin, Free Gold Watch, etc.) has it! Dennis was one of, if not THE most helpful people at the trade show. Very cool, very laid back and at the same time knew how to handle his business. He let me know that anytime I needed some help to just give him a holler and I think that that's absolutely totally awesome. BIG PROPS to you, Dennis Yu. The man. The legend.

Fur Face Boy's can be Fur Face Gal's too! And this cool gal is Catherine from Claw Money. She was constantly folding and rearranging shirts, while passing out her business card / sticker to buyers all at the same time while telling me some insight to what Claw Money was all about.  Multi-tasking...so awesome!

Hey, hey...who's that you see? It's Eric Crandel and Brandon Crawford from 101 Apparel! These two guys were very cool and were  absolute riots! Not only did they give me their story on how they got started, but they also hooked me up with some pretty cool mix albums. After listening to these mix albums, I thought to myself..."Hmmm...maybe I should get into the music scene?" Then I instantly thought..."Neh."

Oh hey...didn't see you there. Anyways, these two gals are Chelsea and Lindsay from Maple and Erhart. They were the last two to receive a Fur Face Boy shirt. As I walked around Agenda trying to find someone else to talk to, these two found me instead! As I was walking by their booth they approached me and said..."Do you want a cookie?" I immediately respond back with..."Do you want some Fur Face Boy?" And the rest is history.

Here's a few more Agenda pics. These DJ gals were great! The whole Agenda experience was great! I'm guaranteeing you that I'll be back. If not at Agenda then at another trade show. I hope to see you there. If you do make it out, don't be shy to swing by and ask me how I got there.

That guy in the middle is Jim Mahfood of 40 Oz. Comics. I used the read the crap out of his Generation X Underground Special. Damn, I wished I had an extra Fur Face Boy shirt to give to him. Oh well.

This mural was all done with 99.5% type! Can you say...unbelievably, crazy, insane GREATNESS?

Aside from all of the Agenda madness I got to hang out and take in not only San Diego but Los Angeles too! And I'm glad I did it with these guys below. They're the Shogun crew! From left to right: Shogun Viet, Shogun Kieth, Shogun San (Great Gazoo variant) and Shogun John. Shogun is about to open up and the set up is totally mind blowing! Be sure to check out their blog and if you're ever in the Dallas/Fort Worth area to definitely swing by, say hello and grab yourself some heat!

And the last posting of the day is a dedicated to my mom! Before I headed off to the Agenda Trade Show, she stayed up all night for me to sew on my labels! Earlier she made me dinner and after the sewing she made me some special tea to soothe my sore throat! Here's to you mom! Master seamstress, super cook, doctor and Fur Face Boy's first ever fan! I hope everyone who read these postings will come back every now and then and grow along with Fur Face Boy. Soon I'll have all these links working and announce a bunch of other cool stuff. So stay tuned! In the meantime, if you ever have any questions or would like to share some random thoughts you can personally email me at ha@furfaceboy.com. I hope to hear from all of you guys!

- Fur Face Boy

[laceyeb]

DWTS Season 24 Finale Recap

Alas, my last recap of what turned out to be a glorious season in those last like 45 seconds there. 

Here’s my random ramblings (just like Sharna!) throughout this finale night. And this is a tumblr only version of my usual recap and in place of liveblogging so it’s gonna be a bit more entertaining. It’s also terribly confusing without any context, but just go with it... 

I’m nervous but I’m also not that nervous. Like I didn’t really get nervous until right now when I’m finally starting the show. I haven’t been spending all day stressing out like I normally do. I think it’s because I’m significantly less invested than I was last time. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m invested and I certainly want Rashad and Emma to win, but this isn’t quite on the level of how badly I wanted James and Sharna to win. And I’ll be more okay with Normani and Val winning than I was with Laurie and Val winning. I do seriously adore Normani and I think she deserves it. But Rashad and Emma have the connection and the growth and the beautiful partnership that I love to see.

Erin looks so pretty! Ahh!

Oh hey Alan.

Is it as weird to everyone else to see the judges like outside in the elements. Why aren’t they at their table?! It’s oddly unsettling!

So is this beginning just going to be a walk through their journeys? That will do nothing to calm my growing nerves!

David and Lindsay seriously have the sweetest relationship. One of my favorites I’ve ever seen in 24 seasons. Like TPTB couldn’t have known these two would build the relationship they have and it’s just been amazing to watch. I didn’t know him before he was on here and now I’m in love.

Simone’s jive outfit might be my favorite of hers all season.

Watching Rashad and Emma’s journey and I’m remembering the emotional last rehearsal they do for their fusion dance that somehow I always forget they do every time and I’m not at all ready for it with these two.

“I know this wouldn’t be the same with somebody else.”

Again. I cry.

Literally ONE HUNDRED more hours rehearsing than the other two couples. COME ON.

I was really looking forward to this girls’ number and it did not disappoint at all. But like was there anyone besides Sharna out there because I didn’t notice. SHARNA I’VE MISSED YOU.

Heeeey Alan.

I love Normani and I LOVE that she came in as a huge fan of the show. Those are my favorites.

All these other guys can go. I just need Alan. And Keo can stay too. And Gleb I guess.

“These are trying times. Sorry about that. I’m beside myself.” - Erin after the guys’ dance. She’s my favorite ever.

Alright. Now we’re finally getting into it. This is so fun with everyone all there together!

Oh hey Nick! I forgot about you and how much I liked you!

Oh wait. Now we have to recap last night. I already watched it! Can we move on?!

Dude! I just picked up my phone and opened up instagram without thinking! Closed that real quick! That was a close one!

It would have been nice if Bonner was this halfway decent from the very beginning. Geez. I tried not to see the awkward tension between them because I’ve just tried to ignore all this, but… well… it was hard to miss.

Erin says every night should be country night and I agree.

This season has been so weird and unsettling and oddly long and I had totally forgotten about Alan dancing with Heather so here���s another moment I say ALAN FOR PRO.

The Nick and Maks bromance is everything. I hope everyone now loves Nick as much as I always have.

I appreciated David and Lindsay’s Magic Mike dance so much more tonight than the first time around.

BLOOPER TIME. This stuff always reminds me why Erin is the best ever.

Holy shit. I know absolutely nothing of Charo except the hot mess she was on this show, so that was exceptionally amazing and unexpected! And Keo and Witney’s dance was EVERYTHING!

Oh man. The nerves are kicking in again.

I don’t want them to redo their favorite dances. I NEED FUSION DANCES!!!

Ugh. I’m getting impatient now.

We get a little preview of them getting ready for their fusion dances and CAN EMMA STOP CRYING PLEASE?! “I don’t know if I’ll get this again.” Yes. Exactly. That’s it. That’s what’s special about them. Oh geez. I’m all stressed out. For me this whole show is all about the partnership. Not the best dancer or performer or most improved or most entertaining or anything else like that. It’s all about finding the couple that builds a relationship, that becomes a team, that makes me fall in love with them, and that creates this absolutely unbreakable bond. And that is Rashad and Emma this season. That’s why I love them.

Are there always such excessive nonsense random singers and performers that I just block out after the season is over? I was about to mute One Republic, but then I saw Gleb and Sharna stroll in like they owned the place so then I had to watch!

I loved Normani and Val’s, um… construction worker dance the first time around if I remember correctly. (I might remember a lack of salsa content, but I don’t care about that anymore.) I couldn’t handle the contrast between Len just happily clapping along in the corner and Bruno stripping the whole time.

I’ve been waiting an hour and a half for Lady Antebellum. Finally. Geez. I also appreciate any chance to see Hayley because I just love watching her dance.

This alarmingly random Mr. T segment is one of the weirder things I’ve seen on this show and that’s saying something! But I think I loved it!

Hard pass on Nicole Scherzinger. Took me a second to think back and figure out who Tom was talking about when he said “season 10 champion” and then it all came flooding back. That was Erin’s season and one of my favorites, but I was no Nicole fan at all. It’s been 14 seasons and that hasn’t been enough time…

I like Normani as much as the next guy, but this is the first time this season I’ve been hearing talk of her being the best ever (Val said something like that and now Peta) and that threw me because wouldn’t someone have said that already if that was the case? Like maybe way back in week 6 or something. (You feel me on that?) And she’s very good obviously, but best ever? Calm down a little bit there.

Gotta say I’m really appreciating all the Sharna I’m getting in all the pro numbers. Silver lining.

David and Lindsay - 9,9,9,9 - foxtrot/salsa

They are just the absolute sweetest. What a nice dance for them to finish on. They’re gonna have to not cry now because then I’ll cry. I think it’s safe to assume they’re not going to win (though stranger things have happened) and that’s okay. I feel like the two of them have won something so much more special in the friendship they have built. The two of them have bonded more than most on this show and I just adore everything about the two of them together and each of them individually.

Normani and Val - 10,10,10,10 - Argentine tango/foxtrot

Here’s the thing. I’ve loved her for a while now. She grew on me and now I just adore her because she’s so amazing. But right now is the first time I’ve really understood and seen the connection and the relationship between them. And it felt more out of place tonight because the relationships between the other two couples are almost incomparably strong and have been all season. “When did you realize there was real chemistry here? This is an amazing partnership,” says Tom. But like this is the first time we’re talking about this all season unless I missed something? (I think my nerves are making me a little salty right now.) But anyways, the dance was perfect. Flawless. Loved it.

Rashad and Emma - 10,9,10,10 - cha cha/tango

I just put all 10s down before I saw the scores because I assume that’s right. Actually I could have predicted the scores for all 3 couples here, but that’s just because these fusions, though fun, have gotten rather predictable. (Well, Len really screwed with that, didn’t he?) My love for them is strong and no secret. Their partnership and their connection and their bond is without a doubt one of the best we’ve ever seen. Top 5 easy. Honestly, probably second only behind James and Sharna for me. And I’ve been waiting for this moment with them looking back on their journey together because I could use a good cry. “I don’t know if I’ll get this again, but I’m so grateful it happened.” Crying. That’s so intense and emotional when you think about it because that’s exactly right. Just thinking about Emma’s own journey she’s had throughout her seasons and what she’s got this season is just incredible. And now Emma’s crying again or probably just still crying. I think she’s been crying for like 3 weeks. RASHAD ON TOUR OH THANK GOD. “He really is everything.” Ugh. Just like with David and Lindsay, they have obviously won something so much more than a trophy. Emma just said it. Some things are bigger than this show. On season 15, Kelly Monaco once said (week 4 after their contemporary dance because I would know that), “This show has absolutely nothing to do with dancing,” and I’ll always remember that because it’s one of my favorite things anyone has ever expressed in 24 seasons and it’s exactly how I feel about Rashad and Emma. The friendship they have now is just so much more important than anything else. Like they don’t need to win because they’ve got each other in their lives now. But if they could go ahead and win in TWELVE MINUTES I’d be okay with that. Oh right... They danced. It was perfect. (Can we also talk about what a good job I’ve done not shipping them because honestly if you know me at all I probably deserve an award for my self restraint.)

And a commercial break. Oh boy. Here it comes.

This live performance “journey down memory lane” thing gets me every time. Just look at the way they’re standing there together holding each other. Good grief. More tears. Emma’s just standing there with tears streaming down her face and I honestly can’t handle this any longer.

Oh shit. Here we go.

H O L Y  C R A P

OH MY GOD. I’m literally shaking. I cannot believe that just happened. I literally think I’m dreaming. This can’t be real. I’m honestly in shock. What happened? I didn’t imagine that? That really happened??? Actually… You know what? I don’t even care. This is about to be the longest commercial break of my life.

YEEESSSSSSAIUILUAWEIUFBUHOI

I gotta be honest you guys. I didn’t think this was going to happen. I was ready for yet another season (4 in a row) of “disappointed, but not surprised.” My mom checked who won at 8 our time and texted me and told me to stay off facebook. I knew that obviously, but that was what convinced me that it would end in disappointment. She’s “friends” with Maks on facebook and tells me about the stuff he posts all the time, so I thought it was a post from Maks about the big win. I did myself the favor of not getting my hopes up this time and I think that made this victory all the more satisfying. Obviously this turned out 100% how I wanted it, but I didn’t expect it. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to say anything before because I wanted to stay positive, but I expected second place and I was okay with it because they have each other and their friendship.

BUT HOLY SHIT AM I HAPPY THEY WON

Honestly it’s about damn time my favorites won. I’ve been waiting for this moment since the long ago days of season 18 and I’m just so so so happy.

[ink-consequential]

Ink Consequential: Summer 2017

Ten Word Tales

Jana A

1. I want you to redefine love. Love is not pain.

2. Sometimes, you remind me of my father, and it’s scary.

3. I wish I started years ago. But I’m starting today.

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Keep reading for movie reviews, short fiction, poetry, and more!

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Movie Review: Gifted

Lucas Brantley 

Gifted is a film directed by Marc Webb and stars Chris Evans as Frank Adler, a freelance boat repairman in coastal Florida who is raising his 7-year-old niece, Mary, who is played by Mckenna Grace.  They lead a normal, simple life until they discover that Mary has exceptional mathematical skills.  This leads to a custody battle with Frank’s mother, Evelyn (played by Lindsay Duncan), as each of the two has a different opinion on how Mary’s talent should be handled in her upbringing.

I thought this film was terrific.  Personally, I enjoy films with simple stories about people being people.  I appreciate films that don’t feel the need to extend its story to some grand, world-altering scale.  Films like this can be very engaging for ordinary people like you and me—but more on that later.  And, full disclosure, I saw this film with my mother on Mother’s Day.

Marc Webb is best known for his directorial work on The Amazing Spider-Man films starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone.  I didn’t like The Amazing Spider-Man 2 primarily because it never gave us a chance to breathe.  It was a sensory overload from the start, and audiences around the world agreed, which is why there won’t be another Garfield Spider-Man movie.  I’m glad Webb got to scale back his focus in this film because his directorial skills shine brilliantly and prove that he has real talent directing these slower, more character-driven stories.

The acting in this film is also superb.  Chris Evans really gets to show off his acting chops in this movie, which I was glad to see; too many times, actors that are best known for a superhero blockbuster franchise can’t escape that bubble.  Evans does an exceptional job, and his chemistry with Mckenna Grace makes that central relationship very touching.  Mckenna Grace did a fantastic job on her own.  She goes toe-to-toe with Chris Evans and Octavia Spencer (who plays their neighbor and landlord Roberta in the film), and she steals the movie in quite a few scenes.  I would honestly put this as the second-best child performance I’ve seen in a while, only trailing Dafne Keen’s performance in Logan.  Octavia Spencer herself is great, although she doesn’t appear often.

The writing in this movie may be my favorite part.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve had so many out-loud reactions to moments or one-liners in a film, and I wasn’t the only one in the theater who did.  The humor in this movie is great and well-timed by all the actors, especially Mckenna Grace; she comes off as an adorable little smart-aleck, which is very relatable for me.  Overall, however, the film is a drama and it handles its subject matter intelligently, and that’s what I want to get into.

Without spoiling anything, the film’s main conflict surrounds the custody battle for Mary since her mother has passed away and left her in the care of her brother, Frank.  Evelyn and Frank have a strained relationship (to say the least), and Evelyn seems to only become interested in Mary after the school discovers she has this talent.  Evelyn wants this talent to be nurtured; she wants to send Mary to a school for gifted children and get her into classes more suited to her intelligence level.  Frank, however, believes that she needs to grow up as a normal girl and not be treated as special in any way, so he refuses to send her to this gifted school.  Thus, the court custody battle begins.  The film handles this conflict well in that they don’t overload you with courtroom scenes in the second act; they’re spaced out between watching the characters evolve with this situation in daily life, which makes for an organically-paced story, which is another major credit to Webb’s direction.

I think many people, especially today’s youth, will find this film to be very relatable and engaging because, from what I’ve been witnessing, the main conflict is pervasive in society.  Too often, I see that kids anywhere from preschool to high school and beyond are being pushed to be great at something.  If it is discovered that a child has a talent for something, be it academic or athletic, parents often make sure that they are engaged 110% in that activity.  They push the child to try harder and harder to improve their skills daily.  In my opinion, this action by parents, while well-meaning, is counter-intuitive.  If you saturate a child’s life with this one thing and push them too hard to be better at it, they will grow to resent you and hate the activity, thus removing any motivation to pursue it.  Kids should be able to explore any number of interests they may have.  It improves their learning with the added benefit that they can grow to know what they enjoy and don’t enjoy.  There is a scene in the film where Mary is staying with Evelyn for a brief period at her home in Massachusetts.  Evelyn tries to get her to work on more math problems after going through old photo albums, but all Mary wants to do is try the piano—something she has always wanted to do but Frank could not provide for her.  Evelyn refuses her this desire.  It’s a small moment, but it resonated with me because I was begging her to let Mary be a normal kid.

I was very much sympathetic to Frank for most of the film, as is the intention, but the film does a good job of also presenting Evelyn as a human being and not just “the bad guy”.  It would have been so easy to make her a cardboard cutout of a snobbish and unfeeling old lady, but she wasn’t.  You do understand her side of the argument as well, though how she goes about pushing her agenda is anger-inducing.  You can tell that she genuinely does care about Mary and Frank, though her way of showing it is not ideal for either.  The history with Mary’s mother plays an important role throughout the film, and I won’t discuss it here because it gets into spoiler territory, but it determines the film’s resolution.

The ending of the film was very satisfying for me because it compromises.  I think this is an important film for any parent of young children to see because it teaches the lesson that you need to let kids be kids.  Don’t push them too hard to do something they may not enjoy; just because they’re good at something doesn’t mean they enjoy it.  Let them have a normal childhood, and, if they show a talent at something, give them the opportunity to try it, but don’t push them to be the best at it because that puts too much pressure on them.  You should obviously encourage them to stick with it, but if they end up not liking it, encourage them to find something else.  The character of Frank is a good role model for parents because he does an excellent job of teaching Mary about how life works and doesn’t lie to her; he trusts that she is intelligent enough to grasp the truth when he tells it, which I found very refreshing.

Overall, Gifted is a terrific film that I will absolutely buy on Blu-ray/DVD when it releases.  If I had to grade it, I’d give it a 9.5/10 or an A.  It’s also an independent film, so I would encourage anyone to support the film because we need more films like this.  Films like this—the ones that analyze everyday life in society from a singular situation—can resonate with many people because, quite often, they are situations with which we can empathize to some degree.  By doing so, the film reaches the largest audience from a singular platform, which is a quality you find in a lot of the so-called “Oscar-bait” movies.  Let’s give this film the attention it deserves.

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First Love

Elise Alarpy

First love, I wish I could forget you; I don’t want you anymore. Years have passed and my traitorous heart Still clings to your memory.

Darling, why is it so hard to let you go? I shouldn’t love you. I shouldn’t love you. I shouldn’t love you. But I do. I do— I do.

Honey, I’m trying to move on, I’m trying all the time. I don’t want you, I don’t need you. Leave me alone.

Dearest, I hate you. I love you, but I hate you. You wrecked us, You did this, And I am left in the aftermath.

Darling, I love you, The words I never said. I hate you. I hate myself for loving you.

Sweetheart, you're my addiction. When I finally think I’m clean, You pull me back in again. And again. And again.

First love, you’re my biggest regret, My biggest could have been. I think of you fondly, I remember you sadly, But I just want this to end.

First love, my heart was yours, Although you never knew it. I shouldn’t love you (I do) Leave me alone I hate you (I love you) (Again and again and again)

But I don’t want to anymore.

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The Trial

Danielle Jeanne

The bed was soft and warm by the time Brougha fell into it at the peak night hours. She could feel the blood from her right arm oozing towards the sheep skins that acted as blankets. She was feeling far too tired to actually get under the covers, let alone deal with her injuries before falling asleep. She could feel the cracked wrist bone and the black eye she had been gifted from the clan chief and knew that they would still be issues in the morning even if she tried to fix them now. She was no healer after all. She was not her mother.

*****

“—ling! Darling! It is time to get up now! The chief is waiting, along with your parents!” Brougha jolted awake at the sound of Carguk’s voice filtering in through her sleep. Her green eyes regarded him thoughtfully, confused as to why he would be the one to come tell her.

“Where is Purdash? Isn’t she still my mother’s lead Curer?” Brougha inquired gruffly, not pleased with being alone in the same room as a full-blooded orc so soon after last night. She knew how talk traveled in small encampments like Burning Blood, especially with it being so late in the morning according to the sun. Chances are that the whole tribe had heard about it by now, even the few human members.

A mincing smile grew on Carguk’s face as he looked at her right arm, confirming Brougha’s suspicions. He just wanted to see if the rumors are true. He probably wouldn’t even offer to help bind up her wrist, just to settle some morbid curiosity on the pain tolerance of half-orcs. He straightens up from where he had been crouching next to her bed, “She’s busy at the moment. Your mother’s people have a bad habit of getting sick over the slightest things. I say, getting a fever over raw meat is just being weak—”

“No one keeps you here for your opinions,” Brougha cut him off, “I’m going, get out of my way.” She pushed herself up using her right hand and made her way out of the clay hut that had her bed and not much else. As she walked through the encampment, her ears picked up hushed whispers from the tanning shack as she passed, but nothing clear. She soon found herself standing outside of the Chief’s Longhouse, hesitating before pushing aside the canvas that served as the door as she made her way inside.

She guided herself though the Longhouse and stopped once she was inside the meeting chamber. She saw her father standing next to the chief, solemn. When she notices the absence of her mother, she stays quiet. Instead of her mother, there is another woman there, one with a very serious disposition. The other woman looks at her closely and begins to hum in disapproval.

“You didn’t take the time to tend to your wounds? That is how one dies after battle, you know!” The other woman growls out. “You don’t think when you’re done fighting! You don’t even think when you are fighting! That is why I broke you last night, and that is why I will break you again!”

Brougha stayed still as she listened to the words her chief spoke. It was clear then: she was here for another fight. Another beating, if what her chief says is true. “Fine, then I will think when I fight,” she responds, “And this time you will not break me.”

“Me breaking you was not the point, Brougha. The point is that even with the berries that your mother gave you, you still lost!” the chief roared.

Brougha’s blood froze. She was being accused of cheating; her mother, of helping her with it. She knew of the berries that the chief was talking about: to rare to even name, and too powerful for an orc to even think of using, let alone a half-orc like herself.

“I did not eat any berries before I fought. Do not accuse me of cheating,” Brougha told her chief. She looked over to her father, “Explain this to me.”

“They found a few berry stains in your mother’s tent. It looked like she was trying to dilute the berries for safer consumption. She knew how important last night was to you. She made the mixture and gave it you. That is the only explanation as to why we couldn’t find the mixture in her tent,” Erigg spoke mater-of-factly.

“I was given nothing. The humans are sick, she probably made it for them!” Brougha pleaded. She had seen a few public trials of the tribe before, and she knew that there was little to no chance of the chief going back on her ideas of what went on in the encampment. “Go check with Carguk! That is what he told me was happening in the healer’s tent!”

The chief looked upon Brougha gravely. “You were found cheating and your mother was found in aiding you. Your weakness has cost you your place in the clan and your mother’s shamefulness will be surrendering her own life.”

Brougha stood frozen in place for the decree. Her mother was to die. Her mother, one of the few humans in the encampment that could heal the others, was to be put to death. That was unacceptable.

“I will go, but if I come back and prove that I am better than you, you will let my mother live.” It wasn’t Brougha’s style to ask permission to do something; she found that people tended to accept what was told to them much as she accepted what was told to her. Her charismatic gamble paid off when she saw the chief nod in her direction.

“I will give you three years to become better than me. You will come back in that time and if you do not your mother will be dead. Now go; you have some training to do.”

It wasn’t the orc’s style to have any amount of fanfare when one was banished from the village, and there was certainly no exception when it came to a half-orc. Brougha made her way out of the Longhouse and out of the wooden gates of the encampment, completely bypassing her clay hut. Her things were earned by the tribe, so they stayed with the tribe. She wasted no time in goodbyes or lingering outside of familiar buildings that she would not see for a while. The faster she left, the sooner that she would return.

Brougha had a lot of fighting to do.

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Haiku Hiccups

Esther C

I the journey is long, winding, wavering as I push myself further

II you will not know love until you awaken next to the one you love

III summer’s heat gives way to quenched passion and remorse in the quiet nights

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Ramadan

Jana A

As the first beams of dawn start to light up the night sky, the imam's deep melody begins: "God is great..." and so on until the end of the call for prayers. For the next 16 hours or so, I would abstain from food and water. If you're not familiar with Islam, Ramadan can seem like a daunting challenge.

"Not even water?!" Nope, not even water.

And I admit that sometimes it can be challenging. Your body gets tired more easily. Your throat feels like a barren desert. Your movement becomes sluggish towards the end of the 16 hours. Yet, millions of Muslim choose to fast each year, and a lot of people don't understand why.

I love food. I adore food. If each person is born with a vice, then I'll sheepishly admit that gluttony must be mine. I don't just eat food—I devour it, taking the time to enjoy every second of flavor.

When I'm hungry, I literally begin to fantasize about food. I close my eyes, almost purring, remembering how it feels to sink my teeth into a warm, fresh roll of bread. I plan, with perfect attention to detail, future meals. I think of more than just the taste, of course: the smell, texture, and sight of food is an essential part of the experience.

So, since I adore food so much, why do I (a mostly non-religious person) follow the tradition of fasting?

First of all, fasting brings me a great peace of mind. When physical desires are quenched, my mind feels more alive. Instead of resorting to comfort food when I'm feeling down, I pick up the phone to call a friend. Instead of eating lunch at 6 pm alone in my room, I break my fast with family and friends. Instead of carelessly satisfying hunger with whatever is in the house, I relish every moment of the dish that I spent the last 16 hours craving.

Secondly, fasting, more than anything else, brings a great empathy for people less fortunate than I. Not every person who feels hungry is lucky enough to think of the delicious meal they're going to have in a matter of hours. For a lot of people, Ramadan isn't just a month. They are hungry all year round. Some people don't have clean water to drink. When I force my body to undergo a small part of what they go through, I challenge the subconscious part of me that turns poor people into a caricature. When I'm hungry, starving people are not just figures in a far-away land. They're suddenly, joltingly, brought to reality.

Ramadan, for me, is more than the beautiful fairy lights covering my neighbours' porch, or the feasts that cover my dining room table. It's a conversation with a God who I otherwise don't talk to. It's almost like He's telling me, "Look how many blessings you have laying at your feet." And I listen the growling of my stomach, and I listen to Him.

Photo by Jana A

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Mountain Climbers

Esther C

I like to think that I’m known for my adventurous spirit. Roller coasters, zip lining, international travel, you name it. Stuff like that is a cakewalk for me. So, since I was blessed enough to score incredibly cheap plane tickets, I did something adventurous: I went out to visit our own Adrianna for a few days.

During my vacation to the desert, we did lots of things that you’d expect two writers to do. We visited coffee shops and bookstores, had group writing sessions, and played with her amazing kitties (though one did enjoy stealing my pillow, but I digress). That being said, I doubt that anybody expected us to literally climb a mountain.

Okay, not literally. It was actually a really big and climbable rock in Papago Park. It’s beautiful, too. Sand, sun, cacti, bees, and other desert friends all welcomed us on our journey. We did literally climb (while posing for some pictures for Instagram—what are friends for, right?), and this is where my problem began.

When it comes to climbing mountains, my biggest obstacle is, in fact, myself and not the mountains.

I was wearing a dress.

Yes, you read that right. I was wearing a dress to go climb a really big rock in the desert. In the effort of fairness, I had made the dress (I dabble in making my own clothes, and this one actually worked out for me). And, when I had gotten dressed that morning, we didn’t know exactly what was on our agenda for the day except for a bookstore and a coffee shop. You see, it’s not totally my fault that I didn’t have the foresight to bring extra clothes or better shoes, and it’s definitely not my fault that I didn’t wear almost anything but that. (Okay, maybe it’s a little my fault.)

If you’ve never worn a dress in the summer, then you may not know about the torture that is thigh chafing. It’s literally the worst, and I subjected myself to it while climbing a freaking mountain. I cannot remember the last time I was that physically uncomfortable. I’m certain that I complained to Adrianna no fewer than twelve times (I’m not totally sure why she kept listening to me, but I suspect that it was probably the puns). I have promised myself that I would never do that again; leggings were invented for a reason, people.

My discomfort aside, the sight was beautiful: Phoenix was off in the distance, there were other large rocks and many cacti dotting the landscape, and it was warm and sunny. It was a dream. Adrianna and I sat there for a few minutes, taking the occasional selfie and chatting idly. I may or may not have accidentally flashed the whole of Phoenix by sitting down improperly.

After a while, we ventured back down the rock in search of air conditioning. I must admit that I sat in a very unladylike fashion to rid myself of the discomfort. This should go without saying, but I changed clothes later in the day when I climbed another mountain, but that’s a story for another day.

All in all, I would love to go back. You know, when I’m not wearing a dress.

Photo by Esther C

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For My Sister

Jana A

To my sister:

You were born in December, just before Christmas, and I remember wanting to hold you like you were hand-wrapped just for me. I held you like I thought you might break, and spent the next decade or so watching you break. Sometimes I would be the one to push you.

I would apologize to you, I'm so sorry, but I was trying to make you indestructible. Here is an apology: I'm sorry I saw in you everything I hated in myself. I'm sorry I always told you that Mama loved you best. I'm sorry that I tried to raise you. You rose by yourself like ashes from a burning home. You have taught me to look in the mirror with clearer eyes.

I love you more than I have ever loved anything in this life. If I could, I would redefine all the words in your dictionary, but it's too late: you have already learned how to speak and read and write.

I don't know if you need me anymore. I hope you always know that I still need you. I hope you always know you are the only part of home that I will cry over.

Who's going to wake you up from your nightmares when I'm away? When you're sad, are you going to hole yourself up in your room like I did? Will you trust me enough to call me and say, “Listen, listen, I did something wicked and awful and bad so please show me how to fix it, but please don't tell Mom and Dad"?

I hope you will because it has been an honor to watch you grow, and I hope I never have to stop.

Love,

Your BIG sister (even if you're my height now)

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Six Word Sagas

Danielle Jeanne

I You never pick up my calls

II I never hated you, only feared

III Fear is power, but also weakness

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Editorial

Esther C

If there were a drinking game inspired by my life, I would probably request that the players take a drink every time I did one of the following:

Talk about grammar (my default conversation topic)

Talk about Jesus (since I’m at church at least once a week, that’s beyond simple to do)

Make a bad pun (my other default conversation topic)

Get upset about how things could be done better (injustice irks me)

Do math for a stranger (hello, day job)

Say something sarcastic (excluding during Lent, of course)

Internally roll my eyes (which can be hard to identify unless you know me pretty well)

In all honesty, if you played this game, you’d probably suffer from alcohol poisoning within the hour. It’s easy to reduce myself down to a list of traits that would fit a character on a TV show—like the girl from the Midwest who’s probably the comedic relief of most episodes—but I also have the occasional heartfelt moment or memorable story arc. I’m in a constant state of acceptance of who I am as a person, of growing and strengthening my identity as a woman. I sometimes have to come to terms with my inherent worth as a person on a weekly basis.

More about that last point—it’s a sticky situation, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it. So, without going into the gritty details: I've struggled with mental illness for the better part of the last 8 years (I'm 21, for context). I had a conversation with someone lately where I mentioned that, and it occurred to me that I don't know who I am without it. I've grown into adulthood without an important piece of healthy living. I'm slowly making amends to fix that, but it's difficult. I’ve often stared at myself in the mirror and wondered to myself what I'd be like without the illness, and it finally struck me: I'd be the same person I am, just healthier.

I would still love fiercely and altogether too quickly. I would still sing in my church choir, still edit and write, still delve into my artistic side on occasion. I would still have a job (hopefully; one never knows the future). I would still be sarcastic and wear lipstick like it's armor while listening to music that many people in my life wouldn't like. I would still be a woman, a person, someone who breathes and has a soul and a spirit. My faith would still be important to me—and I imagine that it always will be.

I look at that list and see that I’m so much more than comedic relief. Sure, humor is an integral part of my identity, but it isn’t the only factor by a long shot. I am a created being, a woman loved by my Creator because of that. I am constantly in awe of the complexity with which He pieced me together, honestly. Everything I listed before and more is true, right down to the illness. Yes, I’m struggling, but I’m far from alone in this, and I’m far from the single qualities that I often peg myself as.

I don’t know who I will be tomorrow, but I know who I am today: I am a person so genuinely unique that it would be impossible to write everything on a piece of paper and have a complete picture of me, and that’s the way it should be. But, in the meantime, feel free to take a shot of something whenever I correct your grammar. Amid all the negativity, it makes life a little more fun.

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[comicteaparty]

January 3rd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on January 3rd, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on Princess Pups by Lindsay Hornsby.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Princess Pups by Lindsay Hornsby~! (https://tapas.io/series/Princess-Pups)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite strip in the comic so far and why?

one strip i really enjoyed myself was this one https://tapas.io/episode/295876 where the pups are having a debate. partly just cause of how quickly the debate devolved, and partly cause i loved how cute it was that the judging pups got to have cake and cookies and were basically the ultimate winners.

although my all time favorite is definitely the valentines strip https://tapas.io/episode/284778. this one just hurt my heart with the cuteness and i think sends such a positive message about how maybe the jerks around us also just didnt get their own valentines and are lashing out in jealousy. and i love the princess pups for putting kindness before revenge.

in terms of comedy, to lighten things up from that last one, there's also this strip https://tapas.io/episode/812585 that i enjoyed. partly cause i always love Pug Pups shenanigans of just basically wanting to eat anything and everything. but also because i like the irony that nope the eclipse was just a giant cookie thing in the sky. although maybe theyll figure it out when it takes a while to disappear

L Hornsby

Hiya, I draw Princess Pups and I'm glad you like it @RebelVampire !

RebelVampire

thank you for coming, @L Hornsby ~!

related to pug pup https://tapas.io/episode/499353 i super loved pug pups idea of a horror story is that the fridge is empty. XD but another good strip just cause they once again didnt scorn the ghost. just said come on ghost, join our party. which i mean is a sign theyre great party throwers cause basically anyone is a potential guest.

L Hornsby

They especially love having a party with someone else who enjoys candy

(even if they are a ghost)

RebelVampire

which now made me overthink wondering if the ghost cant actually eat it and it just passes through them. XD although i doubt pug pup would complain about that. can just follow the trail and eat all those candies

L Hornsby

The ghost probably enjoys at least being around candies and cookies I hadn't considered if it could eat it though. Makes me think about Slimer from GhostBusters going after a buffet

RebelVampire

lol. mysteries for another day probably. more important they have a good, fun experience

L Hornsby

Yeah!

RebelVampire

https://tapas.io/episode/266696 another strip i thought was hilarious. the princess pups making all these elaborate plans to get their food back. meanwhile the cats basically self sabotage by beating each other up and having a slap fight. which tbf is very accurate to cats since they dont like food competition XD

L Hornsby

The Commando Cats sometimes work together, but usually don't

RebelVampire

wait theyre called the commando cats? XD thats great

L Hornsby

Yeah Since the Pups don't talk, it doesn't get brought up in the comics unless I'm putting a note under the comic

I wanted something sort of opposite of "Princess Pups" but with cats and I also wanted them to wear hats instead of crowns

RebelVampire

i do enjoy their hats

QUESTION 2. Which of the Princess Pups is your favorite insofar? What about this pup makes you like them? Of the strips so far, what has been your favorite story to have this pup in it? What about their role in the strip made it enjoyable for you? In regards to your favorite pup, which pup do you love to see them interact with and why? What pup(s) do you feel your favorite should interact with more? Lastly, are there any minor recurring characters you enjoy seeing? Who are they and what about them do you like?

despite where my answers may have lead one to believe, my favorite pup is actually Scruffy Pup. I love her overall design and how it suits her messy personality in general, to start with. I especially just love her eyes though. Sometimes about them just makes her have the cutest facial expressions to me. As far as strips with her in it, I really liked Goat World https://tapas.io/episode/516356. partly cause i enjoyed just how plain enthusiastic she was about going to goat world. things go awry, and in the end the goats that she loved betrayed her by trying to eat all her stuff. which i mean is sad, but also hilarious just cause goats just be doin goat things.

as for interactions, im not sure i really have a preference. although i would like to see scruffy pup and pug pup interact more in the future. cause pug pup is my 2nd favorite and i feel the messiest pup + the eatiest pup could result in the best of pup shenanigans

L Hornsby

I drew Goat World due to a visit to a petting zoo where the goats kept trying to take my map, my backpack, and a piece of thread from my shirt

Scruffy Pup and Pug Pup definitely are the messiest and hungriest of the pups for sure though!

RebelVampire

lol omg. that sounds like quite the experience and reminds me why i dont really go to petting zoos

since pug pup is my second favorite, i will also answer these questions for pug pup. i really enjoy pug pup because she basically the most chill. like that whole pizza party story arch. pug pup didnt care what was on the pizza. she just wanted to eat it. and i think that makes her adorable. her immense single minded focus. i dont really have a fave strip in this case cause i generally like all of pug pup's roles in any strips. i think in general she alone provides a ton of the comedy moments for the comic. XD

in terms of minor characters, i love the commando cats. partly out of my biased love for cats, but i also just love both their cute hats and the fact that theyre super cat like in how they react. like theyre the antagonists more by cat nature rather than this over the top manner you usually see in things.

L Hornsby

They're a mix of a few cats I've had growing up / currently. Cats can be really grumpy and fight each other, but can also be cuddle friends, but then go back to smacking each other XD

RebelVampire

yes that is definitely accurate to cats

mathtans

Hello dere. Only had a chance to read the origin so far this week, but wanted to say I'm impressed at how much gets conveyed without dialogue balloons.

L Hornsby

Pug Pup might be one of my most favorite to draw, but also least favorite because sometimes I forget to color her mouth markings, and I feel silly when that happens

mathtans

Also, I love the term "cloud meeples".

L Hornsby

Thanks @mathtans ! The comic I'd been doing previous to Princess Pups involved a very chatty six year old, so I wanted to try to keep this one very pantomime

RebelVampire

speaking of hte origin story, i love teacup pup had to have official princess pup papers that fluff pup scrutinized thoroughly XD

mathtans

Scanning the backlog here. Yep, that seems accurate to cats, though I admit I'm a cat person.

Teacup pup is precious. Vacuum sucks.

I'm reading through more now. I wonder if they make the charts themselves, or use the wands to do it.

RebelVampire

i actually wondered if the vacuum was accurate to dogs. like i know cats consider them their mortal enemies. but ive never owned a dog to know if they too fear the monster vacuum(edited)

L Hornsby

Sometimes they make things by hand (paw), sometimes TeaCup Pup will use Magics

Oh man, my dog can't stand the vacuum. My dog growing up couldn't stand it either.

King Vacuum is based on this awful vacuum my mom had when I was a kid that weighed probably 50 pounds and was super annoying to use. It was called a Kirby Vacuum (not as cool as Kirby from Kirby's Dream Land)

mathtans

Maybe in the sequel they fight a roomba.

L Hornsby

https://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NDAwWDMwMA==/z/u4IAAOSwxH1UB0PB/$_35.JPG?set_id=2 this is totally that vacuum

mathtans

Reminds me of the vacuum from "littlest toaster" for some reason.

RebelVampire

we still have a kirby vacuum in my house. XD it is very annoying to use and i support it being the ultimate vacuum enemy

mathtans

"Magic" is too funny.

RebelVampire

as in the strip, math?

cause if you mean the strip, i do wonder how long it was before corgi pup noticed the tail XD

mathtans

The strip I got to, yes. Very "bunny".

OMG, all the feels for that Valentine one, you're right Rebel.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. The strips offer a lot of variety in terms of set-up. Which of the strips did you feel was most relatable as far as the behavior of dogs go? What about that strip makes it this way to you? Of all the strips, which strip played out in a way that you didn’t expect and potentially made you laugh or aww at it? Why did it catch you off guard, and what made the twist likeable? Many of the strips also have positive messages within them. Which strip left the most impact on you in terms of endearment or positive messages behind it? What about the strip left this impact?

next time the pups face a vacuum they can join forces with the commando cats. and together they can win against the roomba army.

mathtans

I don't know much about dog behaviour. I had a newspaper route for 7 years and got bitten once, so mostly I avoid them.

L Hornsby

That's too bad

mathtans

It would be interesting to see the dogs and cats against a common enemy.

L Hornsby

That's true.

mathtans

I didn't expect the 'piff' into the cloud at the bottom of the slide, that was amusing.

RebelVampire

https://tapas.io/episode/334958 that was probably the strip i found probably reflected dog behavior the most. also qualifies as one where i didnt expect the twist. i legit thought they were gonna make a nice garden.

and then they didnt

although poor scruffy pup

missed out on dirt rolling

mathtans

Dog gonnit.

RebelVampire

oh no the puns have begun XD

L Hornsby

If the Princess Pups did more than just bark and make dog noises, there would be A Lot More Puns

RebelVampire

they can just write a dog pun book

send the commando cats a free copy

mathtans

The "silent movie" aspect is pretty cool though.

RebelVampire

yeah i think it works well cause theyre all very expressive and the scenarios have that right blend of simplicity where the stories are always understandable and relateable

mathtans

Actually, if it counts, some of the author comments at the end give me unexpected laughs too. (How DO they get a pool in the clouds?)

Yeah, expressions are great. Some of the posing in particular is fun to read.

RebelVampire

ya know im not gonna question a pool in the clouds cause tbh the beginning made me wonder if they were in doggie heaven since cloud imagery usually equals heaven XD

so i will always be thankful its not

and they just live in the clouds

L Hornsby

LOL oh no, I hadn't thought of that

mathtans

Pug Pup seems so amusingly clueless. Might be my fave, which is weird, because I'm not a fan of the wrinkly look in real life.

I was wondering if they were angels or something initially too. Like would they be visiting earth and seeing humans or something.

L Hornsby

Nah, they just live in the clouds and occasionally slide down rainbows to visit the ground

mathtans

Now alien meeples. Meeples is the best word.

L Hornsby

It really is!

RebelVampire

im glad im not the only one who thought the dead angel thing. XD cause that would be a morbid start.

mathtans

Constantly amazed at how much gets conveyed without dialogue in these strips. So good.

Like the no cookie stuff in the space sequence.

Or the ghost encounter and telling stories.

RebelVampire

this is another strip i think had a twist in that i overguessed. https://tapas.io/episode/616509 cause when the dinosaur leg went missing i was like "nah it couldnt be this is gonna be some doggie profiling." but then nope, it was my favorite pup being super obvious about it. which also surprised me cause totally thought pug pup would be the bone thief if it was anyone.

mathtans

Or for that matter, Santa and the goat.

Heh, nice parody of the venus oyster shell painting in that one.

RebelVampire

i questioned corgi pup's choice of gift. i wasnt sure if scruffy pup would still even like goats after the goat world incident XD

and then the goat tried to eat scruffy pup, the nightmares relived O_O

mathtans

I like the one just before that, with the fly needing it's own book. Would not have called that.

Goats are tricky. Like elves.

L Hornsby

Corgi Pup assumed that Scruffy Pup's love of goats hadn't wavered after such and experience at Goat World. But Corgi Pup probably should have examined closer to see that it was a Baby Krampus she was buying instead

RebelVampire

i did like the fly needing its own book. also made me aww just cause i love when the pups are being precious like that and putting kindness first. truly model princesses

mathtans

I hate getting a krampus in my legus.

RebelVampire

at least santa saved the day

mathtans

Yis, very precious attitudes.

RebelVampire

another strip i loved that had a twist was https://tapas.io/episode/833602

like i assumed pug pup would defy the odds and catch something

did not expect it to be scruffy pup XD

and those looks of surprise are priceless XD

mathtans

I'm learning about pineapples.

RebelVampire

haha

i thought it was super lucky teacup pup was the one to get the pineapple

so she could cheat and use the wand

cause idk how the other pups wouldve managed XD

QUESTION 4. The Princess Pups have met with two other pup groups: the CowPoke Pups and the Space Pups. Which of these other groups interested you the most and why? Whether your favorite group, which about each story line did you like? What other groups do you think the Princess Pups might meet? In terms of future stories, do you think we will see the CowPoke Pups or Space Pups again? If so, in what manner might we see them? In general, what shenanigans do you think the Princess Pups will get up to in the future?

i liked both groups, but i think im gonna side with the space pups just cause they had fun things like the ability to turn off gravity. and no gravity makes for some fun parties where you can do lots and lots of things.

mathtans

Huh, I don't think I even clued in that she was the only one with a wand.

RebelVampire

yes it was her prize for defeating king vacuum and being the brave one

mathtans

Space Pups also had alien meeples.

Rebel - I thought it was just her official graduation gift or something, like the others had them in reserve without occasion to use them.

L Hornsby

Oh man, I looked up so many images of Pineapples and how they grow for that Pizza Party story

mathtans

I was wondering how much research was necessary. Ever decide, 'heck with it, they're getting broccoli'?

L Hornsby

TeaCup Pup was passed the mantle of holding The Wand by Fluf Pup after the origin story @mathtans

How DOES broccoli grow?

mathtans

I thought it was just heads in the ground like cauliflower but now I'm not sure. O.o

L Hornsby

It grows up and is quite green lol

still has leafy things around it like the Pineapples

mathtans

Still reading during the chat. I like how the unconventional topping of a cupcake helped save the day.

L Hornsby

I did like drawing the Alien Meeples a lot

RebelVampire

broccoli is a weird looking plant ill say. although would probably have been easier than pineapple. but then again idk how many pups would want broccoli on the pizza. not that i think pug pup would complain. i just assume pug pup will eat anything edible. maybe some not edible things

i really liked in the cowpoke pups storyline where they had to catch up to a moving train and jump on. it felt very epically western and made me admire how cool and brave the pups are.

mathtans

Yeah, pug doesn't seem too fussy.

Also, the Space Pups returned to create an eclipse, that was an unexpected guest starring role.

L Hornsby

The Solar Eclipse in 2017 was sooooooo cool! And it totally looked like a giant sandwich cookie to me

RebelVampire

its kind of a shame the space pups didnt invite the princess pups again to eat the sandwich cookie

i kind of hope we see the space pups again as the call the princess pups needing help on a space mission

ultimate space adventure

L Hornsby

They'll probably show up again

mathtans

I kinda remember that eclipse, aye.

Hm, are there also pups that live in the sea? Mer-Pups?

L Hornsby

The Space Pups are based on my dog Hannah and her brother Walter. We adopted Hannah and someone else adopted Walter a few days later

There might be Mer-Pups?

RebelVampire

omg

i totally support mer pups

that would adorable

and cool undersea parties can be had

with colorful coral

L Hornsby

The Pups might end up going back in time first. I'm a sucker for drawing dinosaurs

mathtans

Oooh, time travel is always fun. Hopefully they don't go for the bones of the live dinosaurs.

I've reached the Go West part.

RebelVampire

that also sounds awesome. can just picture them running from the trex. then making friends. all sitting around having cookies together

L Hornsby

Prehistoric cookies

or maybe just dinosaur shaped ones

RebelVampire

thatd also be cute. endear the dinosaurs to them by making cookie self portraits.

i wonder if there are secret agent pups

who go around everywhere wearing sunglasses

L Hornsby

maybe?

mathtans

(Sorry, little one was fussing, had to run off for a moment.)

Just wanted to say before the end, the goat eyes are interestingly unique, makes it easy to tell them apart from the rest of the animals.

RebelVampire

https://tapas.io/episode/1197013 i really love this vulture train dude with the hat btw. i actually hope we see the vultures again cause they had such great expressive and evil faces

mathtans

Those vultures are pretty petty.

L Hornsby

Vultures are both cute and terrifying in real life

And the same with goats. I wanted to use Actual Goat Eyes because they're SO WEIRD

mathtans

Oh hey, caught up just in time. I like the one balloon falling down.

Goats + Pineapples = wha?

RebelVampire

as we draw to a close, i just want to say the comic was really nice and a great way to start off the year i think. there were just so many heartwarming moments and i loved the immense kindness the pups always showed despite adversity

L Hornsby

A Goat Pineapple?!?

mathtans

Pineapple with slanty eyes.

Agreed, Rebel.

L Hornsby

Aw, thanks guys! I don't have a huge following so it was good to hear from some readers!

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Lindsay Hornsby, as well, for making Princess Pups. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Lindsay Hornsby’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://tapas.io/series/Princess-Pups

Lindsay Hornsby’s Gumroad Shop: https://gumroad.com/fizzlebit

Lindsay Hornsby’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/Fizzlebit

Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Chasing Little Lights by Evelyn Shi. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, January 10th, from 5PM to 7PM PST for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: http://www.cllcomic.com/

Comic’s Tapas Mirror: https://tapas.io/series/cll

[wildflower8281]

My Arizona Adventure

February 2, 2017

February 2nd is historically a big day for me. Thirteen years ago today, I entered the convent, a stage of my life that lasted almost 8 years and has informed my person in innumerable ways. One year ago today, I flew across the country on a 1-way ticket, marking another start on a journey that has shaped me into more of who I am meant to be in this world. Big things happen on this day in my life. In pagan spirituality, February 2nd is called Ibolc and is celebrated as the Festival of Light, the returning of the sun, as it marks the halfway point between winter and spring. It is when we first begin to notice the signs of spring, blossoms, green, hope, warmth. Christianity eventually put their spin on this celebration of nature and named it Candlemas, citing the infant Christ as the light of the world. Either way, it’s a day about Light. In religious life, I was given the name Lumen Christi, or Light of Christ. While I do not identify as a christian or a catholic anymore, I still hold the essence of Lumen as my own and believe Light to be who I am at my core. February 2nd, the Festival of Light always moves me….sometimes just interiorly, but sometimes literally into big, new adventures, leaps into a new chapter…

A year ago today, I hopped on a 1-way flight to Phoenix, Arizona knowing in my heart that things were just gonna work out. And as I write this today and look back on my year here, I am so very grateful for all the ways that Life truly has worked out and the Universe really has upheld and embraced me here. This writing is part story and part litany of gratitude…

For about the third time in my life, I had left a place of work that did not feel like where I was supposed to be anymore. I was in between jobs and it was mid-January in cold, wintery NJ. I intended on going to visit my Dad and stepmom in Arizona for a few weeks just to get some sun and to recalibrate. Very quickly, as I began to have Arizona on my mind, the idea of a visit turned into the idea of a life out there. A co-worker said, “You should just buy a 1-way ticket and see what’s out there for you!” My entire being responded to that sentence and I will forever be grateful to Michelle for speaking what came on her heart that moment. From then on, it was as if Arizona was pulling me out here and, even though I didn’t have any answers or plans, I knew to trust that feeling. I wasn’t scared. There was a deep calmness and overall feeling that this was the right move for me, so I continued to follow that feeling and didn’t really care what anyone else thought.  It was confirmed when I asked my dad & stepmom if I could in fact just buy a 1-way ticket, stay with them and see if I could land a job out here – as they were thinking the same thing and going to suggest it to me!

A year ago today, I did not have a job, a place of my own or friends out here. A year ago today I landed in this desert and little did I know how generous it would be to me! It is quite amazing when you just listen to your heart and not let the world scare you. You can make some pretty brave moves and you’ll be surprised by how much the stars align for you.

I must say that none of my life here in AZ could have happened without the generosity of both my mom Susan & sister Erin in New Jersey, and my dad, his wife Erin and Fitz family out here in AZ. After almost 8 years in the convent, I returned home to my mom in 2011 and spent four amazing years with her on the farm, learning how to be me again. She received my broken, exhausted, lost self and gave me the space, love and support to heal, grow and learn to be brave and strong again. My mom’s love has informed my own heart more than any other person in my life. My sister Erin always embraces my choices and always stands by my side, even when it means leaving her. That is brave and that is love. And without her love, I would not feel whole and would not be who I am today. She welcomed me home post covent and she supported me as I moved out west. She is my person and always will be. My dad and his wife Erin so generously welcomed me into their home and allowed me to live with them until I got on my own two feet. They gave me a foundation here, they supported my hopes, they listened to my ramblings, they made me margaritas and put up with my weird yoga ways outside every morning….they showed their love in actions and for all these things, I will forever be grateful. My aunts out here in AZ also supported me whole heartedly: Mary Kay allowed me to hole up in her house, using her laptop to job hunt and apply. Aunt Barb always kept an ear out for me whether it was for jobs or places to live, and she passed her bike onto me, which I now ride to work daily! They opened their lives here to me, for whatever I needed. 

It goes without saying that my best friend in life, Lindsay, lives in my heart at each step, walks with me and knows my journey and story like no other. She is my soul friend from all ages, who upholds my spirit and mirrors my light with her love. Amore & Lumen ad eternum.

In New Jersey, I rediscovered myself, I healed, and I was very, very loved….I was sent off knowing that I would always be loved and supported….in Arizona, I was received just the same. If only every human could have these gifts! I wish them upon everyone and am daily grateful for them in my life. Because I feel so blessed, my main priority in life is to make the people in my life feel heard, loved, supported…to look people in the eyes, to listen and connect. In my opinion, once people feel heard, loved, and supported, then they can go out and heal the world however they are meant to – be it through art, music, medicine, laughter, teaching, etc. I don’t need or want big, loud things in life or on my resume, I want to be the quiet, steady whisper in people’s hearts & lives that they are loved, that they shine bright and that they have meaning in this world.

Just as flying one way across the country without a job or any answers isn’t the norm, nor was my plan for job hunting. I didn’t waste my time frantically applying to every random thing. I promised myself that I would only apply to places that aligned with my values and lifestyle, which mainly included health and art in all forms. The first place I applied was a tiny yoga studio called Funke Yoga. It was my first application and my first job offer! This was about 3 weeks in. I will always be grateful to Mara for hiring me, as it was that little part time job at the yoga studio that was my first concrete anchor here in AZ. During my time at Funke, I met two of my first friends who I am grateful now I call my best friends here, Rose & Lee….or as my dad and Erin refer to them: RosenLee, since I always mention them together! They are my crew, my fam, we are nerds who love food, laughter, yoga and root beer. They keep my heart light and bring me much joy. I love them dearly. They are the first two who made me believe that I would find my people out here. And I have.

Following Funke, I only applied to 3 other places: an art center, a handcrafted local soap company and a chiropractors office. I was invited for interviews at all 3. The soap company ended up moving to Oregon. While the chiropractor paid better, the art center felt better and for me, that makes all the difference. There was about a 3 week span between my first interview and getting the job at Phoenix Center for the Arts, but I had stopped looking and applying elsewhere. I knew the position was for me and I just lived my life knowing that it was the right fit. When Lauren called to offer me the job, I was out hiking and answered from the mountain!

When I think of all the amazing people and connections I have made since working at PCA, it blows my mind space! First of all, my coworkers are a bunch of freaking brilliant badasses, who create, maneuver and shape-shift all day, every day, all the while being kind, patient and usually hilarious. I am grateful for the freedom, the expansive energy and the fun comraderie that is fostered at PCA. I have never really been more proud of the people I work with and humbled to be a part of their amazing team:

·         Joseph – thank you for your warmth, open spirit and for believing in the best parts of me and us. And for bringing Joy into our family!

·         Lauren – thank you for your sense of humor, lightheartedness and for patiently teaching me skills and encouraging me to trust myself again. I couldn’t ask for and wouldn’t want another supervisor/friend/team member all rolled into one.

·         Lane – thank you for your kindness and willingness to use your mastery to make everything amazing. And for your specialized lingo that I thoroughly enjoy!

·         Jessica – thank you for living in the barrio with me, for having a super fun spirit and for seeing in me more than I see sometimes. And for your great laugh.

·         Jessi – my fellow transplant! Thank you for your under the radar badassness, your kind energy and the way you can do all the things!

·         Mirinda – what can I say?! Thank you for making me laugh, for thinking of us always and for listening, friend!

·         David – thank you for your friendliness and for always making me feel supported and safe, esp on evening shifts! And for sharing your food with me!

·         Lindsey – thank you for your generosity with your gifts, you have a depth of perception that most do not. I love being late nite shift buddies!

·         Melissa – thank you for cleaning up our messes in a most masterful way! Your gifts are greatly appreciated and I admire your organization and adventurous spirit!

·         Sonya – the newest addition! I am stoked you are with us and thrilled to work with you and have more time to get to know each other. You clearly have many gifts to share. Thank you for your amazing spirit.

·         Kaitlyn – who would have thought that from across the country, I’d become friends with the girl whose position I took! It’s no surprise to me that we have become hiking buddies! I knew the moment I saw you that we had a similar spirit.

·         Laura – thank you for warmly welcoming me, patiently teaching me skills my first few months and introducing me to Lola!

And to all the amazing instructors, PCA regulars & Radio Phoenix people who have welcomed me like family and who make me look forward to going to work each day and week: Don, John, Ingrid, Ann, Mike, Colette, Char, Marilyn, Liz, Michele, Brian, Jess, Andrea, Betsi, Fabrice, Michaela, Nubia, Carly, Travis, Robert….

They say timing is everything and two very special people I met during my first months at PCA have become true life friends, even though they left PCA shortly after: Dorothee and Jose. Dorothee is like 10 years my minor, but we just clicked and became very close right away. She is a true best friend with whom I can share anything and for whom I would do anything. She has supported me during difficult moments and visa versa. We only worked together for a few months at PCA, but that was all we needed to form our friendship, one that is a true pillar of my life here.

Jose I also met during my first week at PCA, as he was a front desk volunteer. He was a quiet, seemingly shy guy, but kind and so polite. As is my custom, I like to engage people beyond the normal surface questions, so as the weeks went on, I would linger at the desk and intend to get to know this human who Life had arranged to be in my place of work a few times a week.  I sensed that he was like me, in that we aren’t amazing in groups, but are masters at 1-on-1 conversing. And I was right. Once I got Jose talking, we found out that we could talk forever! And, without sounding cliché, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship  – one full of late nite talks, hiking, coffee on the patio, cooking adventures, library dates and chasing the moon and stars. Jose stopped volunteering in the summer, but again, I am amazed at the timing of the Universe, as it aligned our time at PCA just right, so that we had enough time to warm up and become friends…a relationship that has brought me even more alive than I already felt and for which I am so grateful.

And so here I sit in my Dollhouse on February 2, 2017. A year ago today, I had no job, no friends and no place of my own out here. I just had a knowing in my heart. I flew across the country with that knowing tucked deep down where I promised I wouldn’t let anyone take it, I fell asleep at nite to that knowing and just kept listening to it as the days and weeks unfolded out here. Today I sit in my guesthouse that is the perfect little space for me, my first ever space of my own, I look around and can only be grateful for how that knowing in my heart has manifested into a life out here that I love. It is a simple life, a happy life. It fills my heart, brings me alive and allows me to receive others as Arizona received me: generously, warmly and with an open heart. So, once again, on February 2nd, I am moved. I look around and see that I am surrounded by bright lights here….a true Festival of Light, with much sprouting and blossoming, and so many good things! May we all shine brightly in this world, just as we are meant to, for in the end, the light always overcomes the darkness. I promise.

[dailrpwmf-blog]

I need cheap & affordable health insurance.?

I need cheap & affordable health insurance.?

Actually im in search a cheap and affordable for my gf. she s working fulltime/overtime from 2 differents jobs with the annual income of $16,000, but she doesn t get any company benefits... She has been sick alot lately and im really worried for her, especially when she s only 20 year old living her step parents. Her step parents got 2 kids of their own so they totally ignore her needs, so it s up to me to do my best to support her. She s not qualify with medi-cal because her step parents make alots of money. Can someone please provide me some information about buying affordable health insurence for the low income? possibly some link there? Thank you

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :INSURANCECOMPAREQUOTES.US

SOURCES:

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