#the only reason i'm not in the habit of deleting fics is because we the kandrews kandreils and kevjeans

[dayurno]

there are anonymous dayurno fics out there oh this changes everything…… gonna scour the kevin day tags harder than usual fr

BAHAHA THERE ARE TWO!!!! one is the aforementioned rock and a hard place the other is a kandrew pwp. truly the time i posted both i was just embarrassed about posting any pwp and then later when i got over it i just realized they were not very good and did not particularly want to respond for either. i'm never going to take rock and a hard place out of anon because that fic sucks and i could do better now (And I Might)

[ofmermaidstories]

Let me preface this by saying I did check your FAQ but I didn't see this there yet I still find it hard to believe no one has asked you this at least a thousand times so if they did and I just missed it I'm sorry and you can delete this ask but—

You write such beautiful, detailed fics with lots of foreshadowing that often starts from the very beginning of the story. I think you made an author note once about only posting the first chapter of a fic after you've written the whole thing (or maybe that was Andie...?). If so, is the time between updates just you going through and rereading / editing like 100k words?

Basically, I want to ask: what is your fic planning process like? From the moment you get a first idea to posting the last chapter, what does I look like? I think you're a really, really amazing (one of the absolute best if not THE best) author but I cannot fathom how one human being can write such mammoths of fanfiction and stay motivated enough to finish them.

Also you're already planning Halloween stuff ?? You plan things literally half a year in advance?? Are you even human? We don't deserve you. 😭

You called yourself lazy in the webcomic post but I think you must work unbelievably hard to make such high quality stuff and without even getting compensation for it. You're amazing and I'm very thankful to exist in the right timeline and fandom to read your work. :,)

(oh my god this became such a ramble I'm sorry)

Oh Ari. 🥺 Hello.

I update as I write! So that was probably Andie, lmao, who’s definitely the better example to follow when it comes to plotting/completing a fic. 🥺 She’s amazing and if I could fashion myself after any other writer in our niche, it would be Andie hands down!

But okay, let’s get into it. 📝

A little disclaimer, before we start; I did not go to school for any of this lmfao. The most relevant education I have behind me is a extra-circular literature class I had during my last two years of high-school. The only reason the following works for me is because I’ve cobbled it together from years of trial and error. You can read advice and watch youtube videos about the writing habits of famous authors, but you have to tailor everything you hear to suit you and the way you work. The best advice in the world from the highest paid author in the world won’t work if you’re not wired in the same way! You have to take everything about yourself and what you like and what you want into account!

Part I—first we take Manhattan

start ur fic lol

First thing’s first; I’m a plotter. I don’t pants. If I pants, I lose interest—I need to have the final vision in front of me, even if it’s just a bullet point. I have to know what I’m working towards. That is crucial to literally everything I do. Every fic you see on AO3, every WIP I’ve mentioned working on or wanting to work on—I have always known two things about them, immediately: the hook that gets us in there, and how they end.

So for fics in particular, the start might look something like—I get an idea (I want Reader and Bakugou to kiss). And then I sit there and I brainstorm to myself (What’s stopping them from kissing? Why does Reader want to kiss someone so rude when there’s so many other nice boys out there? Is Reader particularly kissable?). And then, if I’m lucky, I think of an ending (Reader and Bakugou finally kiss, but he’s the one that initiates it, because he’s always wanted to, because he likes that Reader always wears a yellow coat to work—it’s ugly and it sticks out among the black and tan ones of the crowd but he comes to associate it—and thus Reader—with routine and his mornings going well).

This is often the most fragile time of an idea. That hook (Reader and Bakugou kiss) might fall apart with a bit more prodding (why would they kiss? Reader’s a stranger to him; most of us don’t go around kissing random strangers just because we like their coats). Or maybe the hook sticks (they spend almost years in orbit around each other, a constant near-miss) but the ending doesn’t work (I don’t know how to move Bakugou to a position where he can kiss Reader, where he has the opportunity to). For every idea you see in action, or listed, there’s like three more that died during this stage and are now being cannibalised for spare parts.

Part II—running up that hill (a deal with fic)

work work work

If our idea survives, we then move to the “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” stage; which manifests itself in this case as a doc, where I’ll just write any and all ideas I have for this little world so far.

For fanfics, it’ll generally look like—

TITLE

SUMMARY: Bakugou and Reader kiss.

(in which Bakugou first notices you because of your ugly yellow coat)

📝 Reader is allergic to diary products; for ages Bakugou thinks of her as That Cheesy Extra, because of the colour of her coat. She laughs when she eventually learns about this. (“I can’t even eat cheese,” you complain)

📝 Reader stops walking past the coffee shop Bakugou gets his coffee at, one day; moves??? Leaves the city to help a friend out for a few months. Despite himself it throws Bakugou off-kilter, and when he sees someone (not Reader) in a yellow coat during a villian attack, he momentarily loses focus—gets injured???? The news of his injury makes the news, Reader sees it in Bumblah nowhere.

📝 Her coat is donated accidentally by a roommate, in a mix up, for a charity she’s volunteering at; when Reader returns to the city, she has to make do with a new one, a more neutral colour. Bakugou recognises her anyway and that’s when he realises it was never about the coat (!!!!)

Like, this is actually a pretty good approximation of what all my current fics have looked like, at that stage, before I tidied them up and refined them into proper outlines. Because that’s what will happen next, once we have a rough idea of what we want! Things get moved, or removed—tightened. A rough plot outline takes shape! If I get any ideas for a sequel or a spin off that I might want to do, I’ll note them here (Reader’s roommate, Roomie, who’s working at a charity—eventually meets Shinsou, who’s working on a case. She thinks he’s homeless; he doesn’t realise. They carry on like this for a while.)

Once I have a rough outline (rough meaning in bulletpoints), I’ll start on my more in-depth outlines—I do these chapter by chapter! I say this a lot, but they’re basically a really rough version of said chapter. So it might look like:

Reader’s walking to work; it’s cold enough that’s she’s wearing her coat. There’s a new coffee-shop opened on the corner—it’s full, popular, you think it might be because it’s at a crossroads between two different Pro Hero agencies. Reader glances at the window, interested, but then a friend calls out and you hurry along. Bakugou, inside the coffee-shop waiting for Half and Half to get his order, is affronted; your coat is ugly as shit, and he complains loudly about it to Shouto, who mentions something about Baku. having no room to complain about ugly colour choices.

The swap between Reader/You happens a lot because I’m not using my brain properly, at this stage—I’m just shovelling the sand I need into the sandbox. Once I finish my shovelling, I go back and I rewrite it—but better, LMAO. I flesh things out, I throw things away as needed, I add things in. It’s basically really, really intensive handholding and I would not recommend it for anyone who’s already daunted by the idea of plotting; I do it because if I don’t have a chaperone there (aka my outline) then I’m prone to getting distracted. I am basically the fanfic equivalent of the undiagnosed ADHD kid at the back of the class that only gets work done when they’re sat right in front of the teacher (and even then, there’s like a 50% chance it’s not actually work that’s happening but doodles of that weird pointy S thing over and over again).

Once it’s done, though, we have a completed chapter! I then post it and wait like a little crab under some rocks for people to be tricked into being nice to me, and then I dig back in and think nice thoughts about repeating this process to get chapter two. Eventually I will—and viola! Another chapter! We repeat that over and over until we get to the end of our original outline and we have a finished story. 😌📖

Part III—you’re on your own kid

motivation

No one ever likes this part, or what I’m about to say, because at best it sounds like saccharine fodder and at worse it’s out of touch with most people’s experiences in fandom, but—the only way to stay motivated when doing a long-haul fic is that you have to do it for yourself.

People are so kind to me, about the fics I’ve done; it’s part luck and part what I choose to write and part how I write it. And I mean—I share them because I want a little bit of attention, lmao, that’s natural because we’re humans, we all want attention. But here’s the thing, here’s the secret—I take these fics 110% deadly seriously. LOL. That sounds like a joke, but I do! I do that because it’s how I’m built and how I keep myself interested in them—because taking them seriously means I’m more invested in realising the ending I’ve imagined for them since day one.

If other people stopped being so nice about what I was writing, I would be sad—anyone would. 🥺 We all want to be told that we’ve done a good job. But I’ve had the ending for the Deku fic, for example, in my head since it’s predecessor was on-going. That is literal years of knowing how I want Izuku and Scribble’s story to end. If everyone disappeared tonight I would sulk, hardcore, and then I would finish that last chapter anyway. I would finish it because I’ve spent so much time and energy working on that story that not finishing it is a disservice to the world I built around those characters and most importantly to myself. I probably wouldn’t stress as much about it, LOL, if the audience shrunk back down to just me, but I’d still do it. 🥺

I write—and try to finish—these fics because I deserve to see them finished. I want the completed tick, on ao3. I want to look at it and know that I can do it—that I can start something as simple as Bakugou hating on some rando’s yellow coat, and bring it to the finish-line where they finally come together, and see each other, without the yellow coat or through a coffee-shop window.

And this is what I mean by like, tailoring things to suit you—because I know others might be perfectly content to imagine the ending for themselves, without writing it. Or maybe they don’t want to treat fic seriously, because it’s fun escapism. Maybe disappointment that it’s not received like they thought it would be sours the whole experience of fandom for someone—there’s no right or wrong to this. I know I can write for an audience of just me because I’ve done it before. The satisfaction has always come back to the same thing—knowing I finished it, and wrapped that world up as best as I could. You have to pick and choose your poison—and then you have to run with it.

I hope that answers at least some of your questions, Ari. 🥺 Thank-you for such a thoughtful ask; for being so sweet. 🥺 You’re amazing, and I’m the thankful one—I’m glad we’re here, together. 🌷🌾✨📖

[onboardsorasora]

How does sugar baby Daniel introduce Lewis to Grace and Joe??

Idk why but I had such a hard time with this one lool. it absolutely didn't do what I wanted it to do. thought about scrapping it completely and maybe writing something else- the only reason I'm not is because I don't want to get into the habit of doing that because that means i'm putting pressure on myself. But then I don't want to like give you (in my opinion which might be wrong) shitty fic. its a conudrum and if I keep this in my docs any longer I will delete it lool. so here it is. sorry its not better Bestie <3

this is also pre-pregnancy of course

How they met | Lewis Signed to Ferrari | Winter break | a lil backstory | Dior Fashion Show afterparty | The apartment | John Elkann | Future Pregnancy drabble | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 |

Lewis grinned over at Daniel at the same time that he rested a warm palm on Daniel's hand where he was picking at his nail in agitation. Daniel was nervous, Lewis was as well but clearly he was better at hiding it.

Daniel's parents, Grace and Joe, had landed last night. Flown over to Nice on Lewis' plane. They were staying in Daniel's apartment and Lewis was excited to meet them, just as they were excited to meet him.

The elevator dinged its arrival and the gilded door opened, leading them to the floor of Daniel's apartment that he only used when Lewis wasn't around. It was more of a formality than anything.

Daniel had confessed to Lewis the night before that he was nervous about the meeting, not wanting his parents to get the wrong idea that Lewis was… paying for his services. Lewis had laughed and tried to calm his anxiety carnally. Daniel had slept better at least.

Now, Lewis could see that maybe he truly was worried.

“They'll love me. Parents normally do.” Lewis said confidently as they walked down the hallway. Daniel huffed a laugh. 

“As long as mum doesn't love you too much.” Daniel rolled his eyes and pushed Lewis' shoulder with his own.

“You worry too much.” Lewis said softly before ringing the doorbell.

The door opened quickly and Grace enveloped Daniel into a tight hug. She missed her baby terribly. Daniel had also mentioned to Lewis that it had been over a year since he'd last been home, hence how this whole trip happened. He’d been offering the flight before he thought much of it, and he was very happy he did.

Joe greeted Lewis around the hugging pair, sizing him up and making his own first impression of his son's formula one world champion boyfriend.

“I hope the flight over was ok?”

They all congregated in the kitchen, Lewis leaned over the peninsula countertop while Grace put some water in the kettle.

“It was lovely. Thank you for the ride as well. The comfort made the time pass faster.” Grace giggled while Joe rolled his eyes. Lewis chuckled, he liked Grace.

“So how did you two meet? Danny has been vague on the details.” Joe asked, taking a beer from the fridge. Daniel groaned in the way one did when their parents were embarrassing them.

“We met at a party actually. We have a mutual friend, Charles.” Lewis offered, extending his pinky to press against Daniel's on the countertop.

“Charles, he's the one you met in Italy, Danny?” Grace poured water into two cups, silently asking Lewis if he wanted tea as well. He shook his head.

“The same one. Your boyfriend Mum.” Daniel grinned when Grace fake swooned.

“I’ll have to meet him as well.” She laughed.

[effervescentdragon]

Hi! Re: the fic writer ask game, do you play? If yes, would you share on 2, 3, and 23 please? If not playing feel free to delete lmao

I don't play it, but imma answer this before i go to sleep bcs i loved reading through your answers, so this is a one-off bcs i dont have the energy for asks but i wanna answer yours! Thank you for asking btw! 🥰

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

This cracked me up SO much 😹 i chose top 6, because no.6 aka canonical character death is just about the Silm fandom and it's hillarious, since, you know, everyone dies at least once. The first one is umbrella tag for my personal tag that im extremely proud of - no beta we die like good drivers' careers in Ferrari, which represents my biggest beef with my rpf fandom 😹 angst and explicit sexual content are my bread and butter, that i think i do reasonably well, and me regretting both nothing and everything is my constant state of being as an exasperated writer with compulsion to write and very little impulse control when a bunny takes over 😹🙈

Tl; dr - yes 😌😹

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

i think i write all my pairings as if theyre the only one for each other, and lean heavily into "soulmates in every universe". i love writing inner monologues and seemingly unrelated flashbacks. i also love using "i have you" and "kisses every part [they] can reach" and italicised oh. 🙈

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

I'd like to write a proper Pacific Rim AU most, honestly. Also there is one AU that i'm currently working on but it's a surprise so i don't wanna spoil it before I manage to finish it, and i've not told anyone about it, and it's going to be so self indulgent that im both giddy and embarrased about it. 🙈

[myxsweetxeverything]

Also I should probably make a tumblr account to talk to you (I stalked you here from your AO3 lol), I feel bad being anon and sending you hella lengthy ass messages like this with nothing to show for it 😂 but yes I adore your fics!! I got back into NIN over quarantine 3 years ago after previously not listening to them since hesitation marks came out and the hyperfixation just never seemed to go away!! Yes 100% the community for NIN RPF is soooo insurmountably tiny however of the very few people we have in this community, many of them seem interested in shipping Trent with M*nson and nothing/nobody else, with no consideration for other dynamics, which isn’t my thing, so coming across your content was LITERALLY a breath of fresh air. Your fics could stand to be a bit longer IMHO but they contain character (not caricatures), facts, and actually interesting plots unlike a lot of other NIN fics I’ve seen.

And man don’t even get me started on the general NIN fandom and its…rigidity and the pressures there are within it to be “perfect” somehow, while also managing to exclude other people and be stone cold af. I’ll always love the music but I left the fandom 2 years ago because of that. It just feels like one big overglorified clique nowadays. It’s funny ‘cause a lot of them act that way because they think it’s how Trent acts or that behavior will win them points with him when like.. that’s how ‘93 trent acted you fucking weirdos, it’s 2023. The best part is they’re doing so to try to meet standards that he himself doesn’t meet and doesn’t care to now that he’s a married father of five. Like the guy met his wife on Twitter, people. He’s on discord. He’s chronically online, just like us. He’s another person like we all are, so please chill tf out for ten seconds.

(and thus concludes my rant lol sorry for tormenting your poor inbox 🤣)

(My inbox is fine, don't worry! I always appreciate being able to talk fics with other people 😊 Besides, you're getting a long ass reply lmao)

I'm very glad you found this blog from AO3! I linked it on my profile and a few of my fics, but sometimes it makes me feel like a bit of a self-promoter, you know?

I had actually gotten into NIN about a year before COVID happened and during quarantine I decided to dive fully into the fandom.

If we can get more people writing NIN fic, that would be great tbh.

I was never into Trent/M*nson, and what actually motivated me to actually write after years and years of wanting to write for any fandom (not just RPF) was that I wanted to see Trent paired with people no one was writing about. At some point I realized that the only way I could read those fics was writing them myself - so I that's what I'm doing right now! And I'm glad that my efforts in doing that have paid off - "breath of fresh" is a wonderful compliment ❤

I do agree with my fics needing to be longer. I'm actually trying to find ways to improve my writing (including actually reading as much as my ADHD brain will allow me), so I'm glad you pointed that out. I might actually rewrite some of my fics in the future with that in mind. There's a reason why I developed the habit of writing very short fics, but I won't get into that here for reasons.

Oh, the NIN fandom...I'm not really going to go into that whole mess because I'll be here forever, but I will say that there are certain types of people, no matter the website, that I just avoid for the sake of my mental health. I'm sorry all that caused you to leave the fandom :( There's some really cool people in the fandom, but you're right that a lot of it is just like a clique.

Honestly Trent had the right idea to quit Twitter for good a few months ago. I'm sure when he deleted his account, the sun shone a little brighter for him once he was finally free.

Again, thank you for the lovely words about my fics ❤ I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it! If you ever do make a Tumblr, come on by! 😊

[jerzwriter]

The Ex Factor... Tomas A Casey & Ethan Story...

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan x F!MC (Casey)

Rating: Teen

Summary: LinkedIn suggests Casey's ex as a connection for Ethan and he can't leave well enough alone.

Category: Fluff with a bit of jealousy on the side

Warnings: Maybe a curse or two

Words: 836

A/N: This is a just-for-fun fic, but it became too much fun, so I'm not opposed to revisiting other exes (his and hers) in similar ways in the future... let's see where it goes?

A/N 2: Tomas FC is Diego Boneta

Ethan detested social media. To him, it was no more than a vast wasteland filled with grotesque conspicuousness. It seemed people did not have a modicum of decorum any longer and he wanted no part of it. That is until Casey came into his life. Now, to his chagrin, he occasionally appeared on her timeline. Sometimes even smiling.

He felt it was a travesty that he was forced to get an account due to the Gwyneth Monroe debacle, and he planned on deleting it right away. Planned on. But the lure of remaining, thanks to his one and only Insta friend, proved too tempting. He could never get enough of her bright smile, her ocean blue eyes, the curve of her... well, you've got the picture. So there he stayed. It was seldom used typically only when Casey was not around and he really needed a fix before they were official. Since they were official, he'd check every so often to make sure she wasn't mocking him too much.

But then there was his professional burden. He didn't want a LinkedIn Account. What was the purpose? If people wanted to see his published works, there were plenty of avenues to find them. If the hospital wanted to highlight his personal success or that of his team, isn't that what their website was for? But one day the suggestion became a requirement.

"We'll set it up for you," Naveen's assistant beamed.

Translate. We don't trust what you'll do with it, so let us.

But now he was in the habit of checking it once a month, usually on his laptop with Casey curled up nearby. She'd be scrolling through more entertaining content as Ethan learned what an old Hopkins buddy or two were up to today, or making sure Tobias wasn't doing anything to cause the team grief. He often found the suggested connections interesting, but never as much as tonight:

What the...

Tomas Sanchez. Renowned new voice in the social psychology movement. Area Chair at UCLA, the youngest person to ever hold that title. No surprise really, his two recent publications, both geared for the mass media, sat on the top of the New York Times charts for over a year each. He used his newfound wealth to create a mental health clinic for migrant workers, and he named it after his Abuela. Then he spearheaded a new program to make mental health services available to disadvantaged youth in his community, the attention came from as far away as the White House. He was on the talk show circuit frequently, baring that toothy grin next to one luminary or another, who more often than not were singing his praises. Some felt he was handsome, though Ethan didn't see it. What he did see is that a Ph. D clearly didn't teach the man how to button his damn shirt properly. He'd probably fit right in with Lahela and Carrick. Ethan shook his head.

While all these accolades were impressive, indeed, Ethan was a world-renowned leader in the medical community. Unlike Dr. Sanchez, he didn't want nor seek the media spotlight. So that left just one reason that the mention of his name alone, never mind the audacity of LinkedIn suggesting they connect, turned the normally logical doctor into an irrational loon. And that was because of a title Tomas held long before he was a semi-household name... the first man who ever owned Casey's heart.

Casey sat about ten feet away, snuggled up on the couch giggling as she tapped away at the screen on her phone. Ethan chuckled. She was undoubtedly engaged in three simultaneous group chats, all with the same group of friends. He didn't get it. He didn't want to. He no longer tried. But he didn't care, because he loved the way it made her smile.

He looked back to the toothy, chest-bearing psychologist staring back at him. He wasn't Lahella, he wasn't a fling or a friend with benefits. He was her first love. Real love. She thought she would marry him until their work took them apart. He glanced over at her again and felt his body melt with relief. Thank God he himself had come to his senses as her residency ended, or else they could have suffered the same fate.

Preeminent psychologist of his generation, my ass. He let Casey go, how smart could he be? Clearly not as smart as he thinks he is. And there is no way I'm connecting with that clown.

He was about to close his laptop when Casey spoke.

"Baby! Guess who is going to be in Boston next month! Tomas! He is coming for two days for an interview and book signing and he wants to grab dinner. My God, it's been... I don't even know how long it's been any more!"

Is that why she's smiling?

Yeah, the laptop wasn't closing. He knew he shouldn't do it. He was being ridiculous. This was beneath him. But...

Down the rabbit hole, he fell...

Scholarly article. How nice.

Accolades from the governor. Isn't that special.

Charity ball. Attended stag. Hmmm.

Instagram account...

Looks like he hasn't been on this once since... 2014? Can that be right, say's he was an NYU grad student that's about right... when he and Casey were dat ... oh, fuck it.

Click.

CASEY!!!!!!!!!

To be continued.....

SERIES MASTERLIST

[aahsokaatano]

I think everyone around my age (born between like 1994 and 1999) has a sort of.... bond isn't the right word really, but I can't think of anything better. An unspoken shared agreement? A collective awareness?

(I'm sure it's not just the people in that specified age range but that's the group I've noticed it in bc those are my peers)

That's the group that's just a little bit traumatized by online messaging

Let me explain (tw for discussions of suicide/suicidal thoughts - not me! Mutuals do not fret, i am okay)

When i was 17, my friend killed herself. We weren't particularly close - we only knew each other through orchestra. We both played the cello, and i was the section lead, so it was my job to know the others. She was nice. Quiet. Funny once you talked to her a bit.

One morning at school before the first bell, a mutual friend messaged me on tumblr and told me that our friend had died the night before

School let out early that day for unreleated reasons. I went home and took a nap before going to my after school job at a bookstore. My boss asked why I hadn't come in earlier, he knew school had let out several hours before. I told him my friend had died.

His wife started going on about how the internet was killing kids and making them too attention-seeking and I slunk off to shelve books with tears in my eyes.

Another story

My old blog wasn't like, super popular or anything, but I had a pretty decent amount of followers and sometimes people would message me out of the blue. If they were sad, I would tell a funny story or write a little fluffy drabble to make them smile, just like I would for any friend. But one time I started talking to this girl who admitted that I had kept her from committing suicide a few times. That I had saved her life.

It was terrifying

I didn't want that power. I didn't want that responsibility. We became friends, but every single time she messaged me, I was almost physically sick - what if I wasn't enough this time? What if I didn't see her message fast enough? What if I hurt her on accident?

What if it was my fault?

We fell out of touch a long time ago. I don't know what happened to her. I still think about her sometimes, and I almost dread getting an answer. I don't remember her username, but fuck, I remember the cold clench of fear in my gut every time I got a message from her.

A third story

There was a person who made a tumblr account specifically to talk to me, because we had been chatting in the comment section of one of my fics on AO3 and that was clunky and annoying, so they made a tumblr. They were funny and nice and had a habit of sending about 16 messages at a time rather than one long message and it almost gave me a panic attack. Because my brain said "that person needed you and you WERENT THERE and they sent you SO MANY MESSAGES and you never replied" and this person wasn't even suicidal, they just had a lot to say, but the guilt crushed me and anxiety froze me and I could only respond when they were actively online so I wouldn't have to see the message counter tick up.

I lost contact with them after i accidentally deleted my old blog, and a tiny part of me was relieved and a bigger part was guilty because of that relief and I still don't know how I feel about it

One last story

About a week ago, a friend DM'd me on discord with a vague message and an attached file that was named "letter of intent" and I almost had a panic attack on the spot

I have never in my life turned on my computer so fast, because my phone wouldn't support the file type, and i didn't breathe for several minutes until i realized it was just a letter listing out their goals for the year and that they sent it to me to keep themself on track

But god, the fear that tore through me before i knew what was going on - the horrifying certainty that i was going to read a plan of action or a goodbye note - I didn't sleep that night. Even after I knew what was going on. Rational thought doesn't disperse fear that easily.

(Friend, if you're reading this, I DO NOT BLAME YOU. You don't need to apologize. I'm okay, we're okay, and it's all gucci 💛)

So, what's my point here?

My point is that I'm not the only person with stories like this. Where someone sees a message notification and assumes the worst. I know a frankly heartbreaking amount of people just in my own circles with similar stories, and my circles aren't that big. I know that a lot of people probably know the exact feeling I'm talking about.

I think that's why, consciously or not, a lot of my friends start their messages with "hey!" or "quick question" or just "omg so". A little reassurance. A little gentleness. "This isn't a bad thing - or, if it is, it's not that bad thing."

Because... we've seen it before. And it scares us. And we don't want to scare others like that.

Idk. There's not a really a point to this. It's just been swirling around my head for a few days and needed to be put down in words.

[nvzblgrrl]

Part 1 Heyo man, I'm absolutely ecstatic that you have this whole One Piece Big Fic project in the works. I'm honestly p paranoid about interacting with words, but your works have been something I've continuously enjoyed going back to and rereading over all these years. And while you've grown and your earlier stuff feels cringe, there's a charm that Witt and Witticism and all of your earlier works have that is longlasting. And I, and apparently others, can't help but love.

Part 2 I've probably reread your fics a good thousand times by now. Like seriously I've got a good bunch of the fics you posted on AO3 saved as PDFs for my own personal reading when I feel the urge. Namely Luck of The Draw, Ultimate Symbiote, and a portion of your Chain Adventures. I've been here quietly reading for a long time and I'm gonna make sure to properly give feedback this time. Good luck in your absolutely bonkers endeavor!

Yeah, absolute mood on the ‘cringe’ part. I think the only excuse I can make for the really early stuff is that -

(this is gonna get loooong and reference child abuse + the 2000′s-2010′s meme culture, so pre-emptive apologies)

1. I had a really messed up upbringing. Not as bad as some people’s situations but still on the deeper end of bad by the ‘White American’ standard and still (albeit barely) within the bounds of Funny Sitcom Abuse Antics (at least for mid-2000′s and older stuff) most of the time. Most of it was neglect and social isolation - I pretty much left the property to go to school, church, and to visit relatives because of court-mandated visitation, the last of which probably kept me from going insane, and that was it aside from events where my dad needed an accessory to compliment his public mask - but there were some other shit mixed in that relied on the Trunchbull Rule (it has to sound too weird to be real so nobody believes it/takes it seriously) to happen.

So besides like, the PTSD from that (which has a habit of bleeding into all of my works, which you’ve probably noticed by now, lmao), I had like, zero experience on healthy relationships, social skills (well outside of a few variations on ‘messed up friendships’ and what I picked up from books, movies, and TV), and basic life skills outside of stuff like ‘boil water and follow the box directions’).

2. I got into the internet really late compared to my generation and everyone after. This was mostly because we had literally no semi-reliable internet access until I was about 11-13 and that was either the school internet or the dial-up at home (which of course was time-limited with the time shared with my brother and done on the family computer with observation in effect). Most of that was spent on like flash games or webcomics, many of which I have tried to reread only to find them gouging my soul because god what the hell was happening in 2007 - wait. Yeah.

It got better by the time we hit high school because by then we had our own computers (not scanners though, I had to pass art and passwords over to a friend of mine to get them on the internet for a couple years before we got one at home), a better internet connection, and high levels of parental disengagement as we proved to be disappointments despite our previous ‘potential’ (my dad was hoping for me to become a life-long cash cow for him, IDK what was going on with my brother and his mom), which meant I could spend more time on the internet... which at the time, meant DeviantArt and FF.net (tumblr came way, waaay at the end of my time in high school).

Yes, that’s where I started out. That should explain a good 90% of why the early stuff was Like That.

Also don’t look for my DeviantArt because I deleted the whole thing years ago, for cringe reasons - namely, a really, really stupid minor war over something I can’t even remember but it ran a lot like those old ‘Potterheads Get Your Wands’ posts, though the fact that 80% of my output towards the end were extremely banal and/or fucking insane One Piece (and occasionally Soul Eater) Demotivator Posters didn’t help.

Pictured: proof of my crimes against humanity (with some minor repeats - every single one of those demovitators are something I did and that’s not even all of them) despite my attempts to destroy the evidence, because the internet (and pinterest) never forget and often reposts without permission.

[Image description: a series of drawn images of a man. the first panel is of him looking at a computer with the subtitle ‘recognition’, the second is a close-up of him with sweat and a look of surprise on his face along with two exclamation points subtitled ‘realization’, the third and final image is an extreme close up of his intensely stressed expression subtitled ‘fear’.]

[Image description, but funny: me accidentally coming across one of those reposts a couple years ago.]

I personally can’t forget because I know my style at the time (it had a few variations, but all of them have been seared into my soul) and how inane/insane some of them read. My favorite was one that ended up turning into a word vomit about how cool Gol D. Roger was that ran so far that it didn’t fit inside the format anymore and ended up running off of the page repeatedly.

...and yes, I did make one edit that was ‘Dead or Alive? is that a trick question?’ for Brook. That one’s still circulating too.

3. While that covers a certain amount of the problems with the early work, Witt and Witticism stands out as a pinnacle because I was both using a reaction heavy style (I was pretty much doing a live-blog of my One Piece anime rewatch in fanfic form, using Witt as a mouth piece - a similar style was used with Ultimate Symbiote but fortified with a few original stories and actual non-canon stuff happening!) and going through the tail end an extreme manic period brought on by escaping (read: getting kicked out of because they were no longer socially or legally obligated to care for me anymore) my abusive childhood home + having money (from my dead mom’s social security).

Seriously, that year was bonkers. I got to go to Disneyworld, got a new cat, published an insane fic, and blew through so much money on some dumb fucking shit when my dad wasn’t stealing it because I didn’t realize he had access to my then-bank account.

Also I’m pretty sure that you can detect when my sanity/depression started reasserting itself in the last few chapters of Witt because he starts experiencing consequences, though I’m not saying you should reread it to try to locate that moment because I’m having to re-read it repeatedly for reference purposes and I don’t think anyone should have to suffer this unless they’re into that (which admittedly, might be the result of that ‘charm’ you mentioned, because I can’t otherwise account for how that fic got over a quarter of a million hits otherwise).

Not to say that all of my early stuff was bad (some of it was actually shockingly good once I found it again, even though it was flawed) but the most easily accessible stuff is... not great!

And thanks for the well-wishes. I’m gonna need that luck if I want to get through it. I look forward to the feedback!

[i-want-my-iwtv]

Is it just me, or are most people in the VC fandom women? (Not saying I mind, I'm just legit curious if and why.)

(Reminder: I am/was not a gender studies major, nor a student of fandom. This is just an entertainment blog and all that follows is my opinion only.)

This is a highly sensitive topic that people study academically for many fandoms, and I will hardly do it justice here. But I felt it was important to share what I can, anyway. Some links are under the cut for further reading about this topic, even though they do not apply to VC fandom specifically.

The short answer is that, from my experience, yes, most ppl in the VC fandom seem to be women. This is based on the past 20 years of AR’s booksignings I’ve attended, online communities, interviews/articles over the years, AR’s FB (her own posts + comments from her People of the Page), and AR’s Twitter. However, I would add that she absolutely does have fans who are men, NB, agender, genderqueer, transgender, etc. It would be difficult to do a thorough demographic study of all of her fans (current/past/specific time period(s)/etc.), so I wouldn’t know what portion of the fanbase is made up of women.

Let’s take a brief look at our superfan from movie!IWTV:

^What is superfan thinking? Does she think Santiago is a REAL VAMPIRE? Does she want to die? … or, is she simply a groupie of that media and enjoying it as a fantasy situation? We don’t get her backstory in the movie, so we may never know.

^Santiago has had to deal with hecklers and admirers for years so he’s not really fazed by her disrupting his show, and when he shuts her offer down, it draws a laugh from the audience. Laugh at the fan who confessed her love for the fantasy of it all and offered herself as tribute. 

Before we specify why women are in VC fandom, one thing to consider is What is fandom? In my opinion, it’s a group of people who are drawn to a shared space bc of a shared interest in specific media. Within that, you still have to reach out to individuals in order to become friends. You don’t necessarily have to agree on every aspect of the media you each enjoy, but having chemistry certainly helps. Participating in fandom can also mean creating/consuming fanworks without having any personal connection with other fans. Sometimes it’s just in posting fic and/or leaving kudos. Some join a skype chat group so that they focus primarily on their personal connections with other fans. It’s a wide spectrum and there are different ways to engage with other fans within a fandom.

Why VC fandom? We all have our reasons for being in VC fandom. I would prefer not to speak for other fans as to their reasons, but everyone is welcome to respond in the comments/reblogs of this post, or message me on/off anon, and I might gather up those responses and add them to this post. 

Why I was drawn to VC: Personally, I’m a woman, and I’m in this fandom bc the canon/fanon is intellectually stimulating to me. I’ve made some of my best friends here. We share a love for these characters and we discuss them at length. This does not mean we 100% support everything the characters do in canon. We enjoy them as fictional characters, not necessarily as role models.

Secondly… I had posted a personal account about my reasons for being into VC canon, but later deleted that post bc I was informed that my reasons weren’t acceptable. That VC was not for straight women. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ll briefly tell you my reasons for being attached to VC, under the cut. 

Brief historical context:

These books are/were written by a straight white woman, and she’s always advised her fans to “write the book you want to read.” She currently writes for herself, presumably, as she does not use an editor in the traditional sense. She began VC in the early 1970s with the short story, “The Master of Rampling Gate” (which eventually became the full novel IWTV). The short story was published in Redbook magazine at the time, which is/was a magazine for women, and the short story was written in the vein (pun intended!) of the older gothic romance novels that were extremely popular in the ‘60s. 

^In fact, this edition of IWTV is straight-baiting, as the only female love interest that Louis might have gotten into that physical position with would be Babette, and that… definitely doesn’t happen.

IWTV is a dissection of Louis’ feelings, and Louis was a stand-in for Anne herself. VC in general has a lot of emotion, both in the dialogue, and the introspection woven into the narrative itself. The fact that these books are mostly written from the 1st person perspective is a very intimate means of communication to the reader, and makes the novels that much more emotionally rich. Some might say that such emotional writing tends to appeal to women.

The books are intimate. There is a constant thread of intimacy throughout which seems to appeal to women of all sexual orientations, in my opinion. I started the series with IWTV when I was 11 yrs old and I’ve heard from other fans of other genders that they also started VC when they were young, even around the age that I did. Being right before puberty, maybe that adds some extra addictive quality to it, that it explores a kind of intimacy when we’re in the phase of life where we’re just becoming interested in sexuality. I remember mooning over pics of Brad Pitt in my table group at lunch, and we would talk about him, but I doubt any of us would have wanted to actually kiss him at the time, we just wanted to speculate about dating and romance!

After the first book, the intimacy continues with TVL, where we get Lestat’s backstory, and as the series progresses, it just keeps going. Whichever book new VC fans enter the series, they’re going to hit that vein, more or less. It’s not as strong in the most current books, but it’s still there. I would say that AR found that the way she wrote the first 2 books was so well-received that she felt validated in her style of writing, that it was appealing to her readers, and continued to produce it.

There’s also quite a lot of wealthporn, where the characters describe their expensive clothes, jewelry, or lavish surroundings, none of them have to hold a dayjob or anything menial like that. Since many of us do not currently enjoy such luxuries of material goods and/or freedom of leisure time, it’s another element that might make it appealing to certain demographics. There’s a ton of wish fulfillment in the books. 

Hit the jump for a little more.

My reasons for being into VC

Basically, I was bullied when I was 11 (for having a bad fashion sense and bad teeth), which is right around the time that someone gave me a copy of IWTV. I had always loved horror novels and scary stories as a way to study monsters and see if I could unpack them and better understand them. I drew inspiration from the way the VC characters handled their own obstacles, I loved getting Lestat’s backstory, he was not just a colorful antagonist, he had his own reasons for acting the way he did. Reasons are not EXCUSES, but in understanding monstrous behavior, we can equip ourselves to weather it when we see it in real life. Eventually, I got braces, grew out of my 90′s grunge phase, and while the bullies changed form over time, I learned how to deal with them. 

Could I have drawn inspiration from other books/movies/music? Yes! And I did. But VC, for the intimacy of the stories, for the vibrancy of the characters, for so many reasons that I can’t go into on a post I’m trying to keep brief… this is a piece of media that I’ve held onto over the years. Not the only one, but certainly the main one, for me.

A few good posts to check out re: women in fandom:

And I don’t mean to attack you, Anon, but these posts are written with a tone because there is so much criticism of what women in fandom are not allowed to enjoy. Please read at your own risk, but they have some very good points about why women might be into certain things in fandom.

a comprehensive guide to mlm shipping habits in transformative fandom

THE DEPTHS OF MISOGYNY THIS PLACE PLUMBS

villain-relatable marginalization