#the original ending line had such malicious vibes

[stargazeraldroth]

Balanceswap: A Bittersweet Reunion

Summary: An event that takes place in my Balanceswap AU. After running away from the self-proclaimed Destroyer, Dream seeks out his twin brother. Though the two are glad to see each other after so many centuries, the reunion isn't quite as pleasant as Dream had been hoping for. At least Nightmare seems to be happy... maybe a little too happy... and Dream has Mental Health Problems (TM).

Warnings: Platonic yandere character, mental health issues.

Word Count: Around 4,281 words.

Dream wasn't sure if he was going to regret this plan or not.

He knew his life was far from perfect. He'd been aware of that fact ever since he was a child, living under the shade of the Tree of Feelings. Although life had never been anywhere near perfect for him, he enjoyed it regardless. Sure, some moments were harder than others, but he needed to keep going. That's what he's been telling himself since his days in the village, when he would get faced with hurtful words and thrown objects simply for existing. And it's what he still told himself now, when he was constantly on the move, hopping from one place to the next.

Dream looked up from the table, his hand coming to a halt. Everything was still quiet in the tiny, rundown apartment they'd moved into, save for noises coming from outside its thin walls. It wasn't like anyone would be coming by, anyway. This part of the town had been largely vacant for a while, from what Ink could gather. They would be safe here for a few days, assuming there weren't any unexpected searches from his brother's forces. It wasn't likely, given that this was a predominantly negative AU, but... they'd been caught off-guard before. And, from Ink had told him, Nightmare could be very, very persistent in his searches.

Nightmare...

He hadn't really seen his twin ever since that fateful day. Back when he was so naive and trusting, despite his own hardships. He still remembered it as though it was yesterday; how Nightmare told him to pick his favorite apple from the Tree, and even helped him reach the branch to do so. That same apple, black with purple undertones, now resided in his ribcage, concealed from the world. The last Black Apple remaining from the Tree's branches, just as the last Golden Apple resided in Nightmare's body. They had both changed so much since they were children.

Nightmare was now a prominent, highly influential member of the greater Multiverse. A high-ranking member of an organization that was simply referred to as The Council. Or, rather, that's what Ink referred to it as. Dream didn't know if it had a different, more official name. But regardless of what it was called, it was an incredibly important group in the Multiverse. It was significant enough for the Protector of the AUs to be involved with it, too, even if he technically wasn't an official member. But beyond that, Nightmare also had a group of his own. From what Ink told him and the bits he was able to gather from old newspapers, they worked to bring relief to those who were suffering. That was the simple version of it, anyway. He wondered... if Nightmare was able to move on from his bitterness regarding the village and its people.

Dream... wasn't sure how he had changed, but he knew he had to have. Even if it was something small and insignificant, he had to have changed at least a little bit. But maybe his changes weren't for the better, either. He didn't know if he was considered a criminal or not, but given his close association with Ink, it was reasonable to assume he had some kind of bounty. He hadn't done anything wrong, but... it seemed even existing was a crime when it came to him. Nightmare would tell him that it was only because mortals were stupid and didn't understand his importance, but even so...

Once he was done with his letter, he read it over with what lighting he could get from the moon. Everything seemed right... he just hoped Ink wouldn't be too upset with him when he woke up in the morning. Setting down the pencil, he grabbed the bag he'd prepared and headed towards the door. Resting a hand on the doorknob, he looked over his shoulder. The self-proclaimed Destroyer was still in a deep sleep on the couch, having insisted that Dream took the one bedroom.

Dream felt as though he was betraying Ink, in a way. He'd been nothing but kind to Dream ever since he initially rescued him from his brother's castle, even if taking care of another person was difficult work. Ink barely even had the means to properly take care of himself; aside from having to stay in rundown or abandoned apartments like this, they had no real way of getting any money. Ink insisted he didn't actually need to eat in order to live, so any food they did manage to get was given to him. He felt... bad. Like he was nothing more than a hindrance or inconvenience. It didn't help that he was one of the primary reasons they had to frequently move from one place to the next. His negative aura risked giving their location, should Nightmare be looking... and based on what Ink's told him, Nightmare was always searching for him.

I'm sorry, Ink... but I need to make this decision for myself.

~~~~

When Nightmare took the rest of the Tree's fruit and turned into... whatever he could be called now, Dreamtale- the world they called their home- changed with him. He could feel the oppressive intensity of positive energy as soon as he stepped foot through the portal. Though he cringed, he moved forward, determined to see his self-appointed mission through.

He wouldn't lie to himself, the place was beautiful. It almost looked like something out of one of the fairytales Nightmare would read him when they were children. Everything was so bright and colorful. It looked like a place where people would want to live- and, judging by the amount of people he'd seen so far, it was precisely that kind of place. Everyone seemed so content and happy, but maybe that was because of the abundance of positive energy. Regardless of whatever the cause might be, it brought him an odd sense of peace to know that his brother's domain had become a safe haven for people of different backgrounds. He wished he had been around to watch it all happen.

"Excuse me?" An ethereal, airy voice broke through his thoughts. "Are you lost?"

The Guardian turned around to face the one who spoke to him. Rather than being met with a human or monster, he found himself looking at... something else entirely. He wasn't even sure how to describe them. They appeared to be delicate and elegant, carrying themself with grace. Their eyes reminded him of a skeleton monster's, but rather than being met with dark sockets and glowing pupils, he found himself looking into what he could only think of as pools of warmth. A pair of pristine, feathery wings was attached to their backside, like those of an angel. The only familiar part of their figure was their uniform. It seemed to be a classical maid's uniform, with a skirt that reached their ankles and long sleeves.

"I... I..." Dream stammered, trying to find the right words. "I'm looking for... m-my brother..."

"Were you separated? I can help you find him again," the servant offered. "Can you tell me what he looks like?"

"W-Well... you see, um... he's... he's... N-Nightmare, the... Guardian...?"

Dream gave an awkward smile, hoping he sounded at least somewhat believable. He wasn't lying, but the idea of Nightmare having a younger brother could be a bit... unbelievable for a number of reasons. He didn't actually know what information was available about him. Did people... know about his existence? As more than Ink's little sidekick? He supposed the maid's response would tell him all he needed to know. If they didn't, then maybe that was an indicator as to how Nightmare felt about him now. Maybe... Dream should've thought harder about this before deciding to leave.

What if... Nightmare didn't want him around? It's been centuries since they last saw each other... Nightmare's life has changed since then. He had a kingdom and people to take care of now. Unlike when they lived in the village, Nightmare was willing to look after these people and take care of them. He shouldn't... have to worry about him, too. Could he even bring anything new to this place? Was there anything his presence or involvement would benefit? What good could negativity ever bring? Feeling negative emotions was inevitable, of course, but would it not be in everyone's best interest to minimize how often they feel them?

He wasn't sure when he had last been consistently positive- while it's true it isn't exactly in his nature, being made from negative energy, he could still feel things like happiness and love. But he didn't feel them as strongly as he used to, if his positive feelings were ever strong at all. There were so many people who felt those things stronger than he did. What could someone like him, who was a physical embodiment of unwanted feelings, possibly bring to a community? What could someone like him do to prove that he had a right to stay?

Nothing, he realized. His aura would undo everything these people worked to achieve. Even if he had an iron grip on his aura at all times, keeping as much negative energy trapped in a bottle as he could, he had his limits. It wasn't helped by the fact that he had hardly any training when it came to his powers. His abilities were completely different from Ink's. Without proper training to control his aura and minimize its effects, he would continue to hurt people simply by being around them. He posed a risk to their happiness and well-being merely by existing. Coming here was a mistake.

He'd be nothing but a stain. A constant reminder of their pain and suffering. He needed to leave before he could hurt anyone, and before he intruded on Nightmare's new life.

Dream flinched when he felt something touch his head. He looked up from the ground, trying to meet the servant's eyes. He hadn't even realized he started crying. He must look so stupid and pathetic, crying in a place where he wasn't wanted in the first place. But there was no sign of contempt or disgust on the servant's face, nor did their aura become darker. If anything, it became... lighter? He didn't think it was possible.

"You're Dream, aren't you?" The servant asked, giving him a kind smile. "His Majesty has been looking for you."

Dream took a step back, reaching up to rub away the tears in his eyes. Ink told him that Nightmare was, but... how likely was it that the reason behind that was something good? If it wasn't for something bad, then why was Ink so insistent that they move locations before he could find them? He'd taken notice of Ink's tendency to get paranoid and resort to extremes, but Nightmare was his brother. Surely Ink would be able to take that into consideration, even with his anxieties... unless he had a good reason to suspect that Nightmare would want to hurt him.

If there was one thing he learned from the villagers, it was that people didn't need to have good reasons to hurt others.

"Young one, where are you going?" The servant asked. "You do not need to be afraid. I will not bring you any harm- none of us will."

Dream shook his head. "Don't lie to me! You... you're just pretending to be nice!"

Before he realized what he was doing, he turned on his heels and ran in the opposite direction, away from what he could only describe as a servant made of light. He barely registered the servant's voice as they called out to him, too focused on returning the way he came and escaping from this place. If he was lucky, he would be able to make it back to that AU before Ink could wake up and read his letter. It was a slim chance, but a chance regardless. He just needed to get out of Dreamtale, preferably without having Nightmare tracking his every movement.

Unfortunately, it seemed his escape wouldn't be as smooth as he'd been hoping for. A knightly figure, tall and shaped like a skeleton monster, stepped out just in time to block his exit. He wasn't sure how the others at the castle found out so soon. Was there some sort of telepathic bond? It sounded highly unlikely, but... well... according to Ink, he was still around the mental age of a child. However relevant that statement was. The important thing was that more people were becoming aware of his presence, something that could end up spelling disaster for him. Not only were more knights starting to show up, but those Light Servants were as well. How were there so many of them!? They were... too similar to each other, almost like perfect replicas. It was unnatural.

Despite the fear pumping through his bones, Dream could feel his energy and strength beginning to drain. Normally, his soul would be able to provide him with the minimal amount of negative energy he needed to keep himself going. But the structure of Dreamtale- and its emotional balance- was drastically different from what he was used to dealing with. There was simply too much positive energy for his soul to counter, and its effects on his body were already showing. He could feel himself slowing down, the aches in his legs growing by the minute, if not the second.

Finally, his legs gave out under him. He groaned in pain as he tripped on his own feet, falling against the hard pavement of the walkway. By the time he managed to pull himself together, the others had caught up to him. He threw his arms over his head, preparing to shield himself from any incoming blows. It was a survival tactic he'd learned and used back in the village.

But instead of being met with violence, he was carefully pulled close to one of the servants. He slowly opened one of his eyes to glance at his surroundings, finding that the ones who caught up to him were whispering things to each other. Though he couldn't catch everything over the pounding in his head, he did hear them inquiring about Nightmare's whereabouts. The Light Servant glanced down at him, taking notice of his drained condition. Standing up from the ground, they adjusted his position in their arms, almost like they were holding a baby or a cat over their shoulder.

"Shh... it's okay, little one. Just close your eyes and rest easy," the servant said in that same sweet, soothing voice. "Does the sunlight hurt your eyes?"

Dream gave a small nod. It wasn't necessarily the sunlight that was the problem, but... regardless, the servant shifted their wings so that one was covering him, blocking out the sunlight from his eyes. A warm feeling washed over his body a moment later, seeping into his bones. Achiness turned into exhaustion and, with some gentle coaxing from the Light Servant's embrace, he drifted off into the blissful darkness of sleep.

~~~~

He couldn't feel his body. Not like he should be able to, at least. Something about it was... different. That much was clear in how he struggled to open his eyes, or how there was a certain numbness to his body.

When he finally managed to pry his eyes open, he found himself in a completely different place from where he fell asleep. It didn't take long for him to figure out that he was in a bedroom of some kind. The bed itself was bigger and comfier than any he'd had before, and it felt... clean, if that made sense. He tried not to be too fussy about this kind of stuff, considering he used to sleep on the ground as a child, but sometimes he could tell the beds he slept in weren't taken care of for a long time. Still, it was better than sleeping on the hard floor, so... he wasn't used to having a blanket that was this thick or warm, either. It was... nice.

"I see you're awake." A hand reached out from his bedside, brushing a finger against his cheek and poking him gently. "Did you sleep well, brother?"

'Brother'.

Reluctantly, Dream looked to his side. Next to him, there was a radiant figure much like those otherworldly servants he encountered before. Nightmare was watching him carefully and, though his one visible eye held nothing but warmth, something was peculiar about his aura. It was brimming with positive feelings- happiness, most notably, but also eagerness and love. There was even a hint or two of satisfaction. But behind that, there was something else... something darker... was he concerned for him?

"Don't look so confused. Did you think I wouldn't be worried about you?" Nightmare asked. "You're not used to this kind of environment. Your soul's response to the change was to turn your body to stone. It's a miracle you even woke up at all."

"... Where am I?" He asked in return.

"You're in your bedroom. Did you think I wouldn't take care of you?"

"I don't... what? Why would I have a...?"

"... I've been hoping you would be able to live here someday, you know. I admit I might have gotten a bit carried away with it and prepared a room in advance... but it turned out to be the right thing to do! You're here now, with me... where you belong."

"But... I... I have to..."

"You have to what, Dream? Right now you should be resting. Your body's going to have a significant loss of energy due to how much positivity there is."

"I need to... let Ink know I'm okay..."

In his goodbye letter to Ink, though he said it would be possible he'd come back depending on what happened, he also said that- should he decide to stay with Nightmare- he would still try to keep in touch with him. Nightmare didn't seem to be quite pleased with this information, his expression turning unreadable for a moment. With the lack of expression, Dream turned to his aura, trying to latch onto anything that might indicate his mood. But what was previously readable (to a certain extent) was now rigid and harsh, like an invisible wall. The older twin moved to pat him on the head, a smile returning to his face. But it didn't have that same warmth to it. As though it was simply for show rather than actually meaning anything.

"We'll talk more about that later. For now, just get some more rest until you can adjust to the environment."

Dream watched in silence as Nightmare stood up from his chair, headed over to the door and left the bedroom. He could hear the faint sounds of a conversation between him and some others, perhaps some servants or something, but he couldn't make out any specific words. Hopefully, the 'later' that he spoke of wouldn't take too long... Dream didn't want to sound impatient, but it was... kind of urgent. To him, at least. He knew Nightmare had other priorities and things to take care of.

Actually... now that he thought about it, he didn't necessarily need Nightmare's help in writing a letter to Ink. Maybe he would need his help when it came to delivering the letter, but he could at least get his message started, right?

Time seemed to prove him wrong.

Whenever Nightmare was absent from his new bedroom, there would always be at least two of those special Light Servants on standby. They would tend to Dream's every need if he asked them to do so. Even though he never asked for anything, the servants seemed to take it upon themselves to provide him with whatever they could. They were so proactive and attentive that he didn't even need to ask them to do anything; any potential wants or needs were taken care of before they could even be realized. The only request that couldn't always be immediately fulfilled was when he wanted to see Nightmare. It was understandable, given his brother's position and responsibilities, and he didn't mind having to wait. And yet, despite his insistence that it was fine, the Light Servants were always far too apologetic for the inconvenience.

Whenever Nightmare did come to visit him, Dream tried to bring up the subject of delivering a message to Ink. But whenever he did, Nightmare either pretended to have not heard him or changed the subject. It was strange. Almost as if Nightmare didn't want him to say anything to Ink ever again. While it made sense from Nightmare's perspective, with Ink being the Destroyer and all, he knew there was more to Ink than that. It wasn't like Ink was malicious with his destructive behavior or intentions. From Dream's understanding of his motives, anyway.

"Nightmare, I want to send a letter to Ink," he said again. "I already have an idea of what I want to say. I just need help delivering it."

"You're still pushing the matter? Oh, Dream..." Nightmare sighed. His tentacles coiled for a moment, expressing his displeasure. "Don't you realize it yet? You don't need to talk to Ink anymore. The only person you truly need is me."

"But... he's my friend." Frowning, the smaller Guardian tried to sit upright. Being bedridden sucked more than having to sleep on a dirty, old mattress. "I promised him I would let him know I'm okay."

"But why would he care?"

"... What?"

"Think about it, Dream. You're the Guardian of Negativity and he's the Destroyer of Worlds. He's a wanted criminal on the loose, a horrible influence! But besides that, he was only using you. I know who you are- despite everything that's happened to you, from the villagers to Ink, you still have a good heart. You don't like violence or fighting, and you especially don't like hurting people. All Ink does is hurt people. You know what the Omega Timeline is, correct?"

"Y-Yeah... Ink told me about it..."

"Then I'll assume you're aware of all the displaced people living there. People who were forced to relocate to a new home because of Ink. How do you think they felt? While it is true that negativity is necessary, there's a good kind of negativity and a bad kind. Just like how there's good positivity and bad positivity."

"... You don't have to talk to me like I'm still six."

"Well, I don't know where you are in terms of mental age."

"But... but Ink does care about me! I know he does! He's been looking after me this whole time! He's made sure I'm fed and he's been trying to help me with my powers! If you just let me, I can show you he isn't as bad as you think!"

"He's wreaking havoc and destroying worlds because of one temper tantrum he threw in the past. I won't say The Creators are saints or have pure hearts- that's an impossible feat, even for someone made from pure positive energy- but they don't control how Ink or Error live their lives. That's for them to decide. The Creators can make worlds, write a guideline story, and make changes as they please, but we have our free will. Everyone gets to make choices in life, and Ink made his."

"But he has his reasons!"

"And the villagers had their reasons for how they treated you. Does that make their actions right?"

"W-Well... no, but-!"

"It's the same for Ink. How many people has he hurt or killed, Dream? How many people have had their families torn apart and their lives ruined because of him? You need to think about these things. His actions aren't excused just because he's hurt by The Creators' choices."

Nightmare let out a heavy exhale, reaching up to rub the space between his eyes. When his hand fell back down to his side, he gave Dream a small smile.

"I don't mean to make you upset. But you need to realize that Ink isn't someone you should be associating with, regardless of what he might've told you about his motives."

With that, Nightmare looked at the clock in the room.

"It's almost your bedtime, anyway. Here, I'll tell you what: I'll... bring this up to Error after the next meeting with the Council, okay? We'll see what he has to say about it and if he thinks it's safe to do so, then I'll let you send him a letter."

Dream thought for a moment, but soon nodded. "Okay... but you have to promise! Pinky promise!"

"... Of course, Dream."

The two brothers locked their pinky fingers together for the sake of the promise. Once the younger Guardian was put to sleep, Nightmare stood there for a moment, watching over his sleeping form. When he finally left the bedroom, he was met with one of the Light Servants, as his brother fondly nicknamed them.

"Your Majesty, about the promise... do you truly intend to keep it?" They asked. "What should we say if the little one asks?"

"... No, I don't intend to keep it," Nightmare confessed. "Dream's heart is too big for his own good. Ink can't be trusted- that much is obvious to anyone. He'll just have to live with how things are going to be from now on. How things should have always been."

The two shared some more brief words before Nightmare finally departed for his own chambers. As he walked, the Guardian of Positivity couldn't help but think about everything that had happened. A smile came to his face, but no one would be able to see the glint in his eye. He truly hadn't been expecting Dream to come back to Dreamtale on his own. He thought he would've had to take him by force. Perhaps it would be a bit harder to keep him around, given his insistence on staying in touch with Ink, but... Nightmare had faith. Dream could be gullible and naive, but he wasn't stupid.

In the end, Dream would make the right decision. He was sure of it.

[raging-anjanath]

Voluntary vs. Involuntary Otherkin Identity

Arguments that connect how voluntary or involuntary someone's identity is to how legitimate and valid they are as otherkin is something I've seen a lot of in the past. Partook of myself when I was a teenager, even!

I understand why it happens. It's connected to a lot of community anxiety that's rooted in how otherkin have been treated in the past. We've been mocked both alive to our faces and post-mortem after we're gone. We've been totally misunderstood and misrepresented by everyday people with audiences and serious academics who should know better alike. When it became less popular to bully us, we had our words taken and redefined by people outside the community to mean vibing or stanning or liking something a lot.

With that historical context, I can't really blame people for having this anxiety. I can't even blame myself for still having it a little bit, with everything I've personally seen and read. It's buried deep, like a rotting fang that needs to get pulled. Some people might even argue that more restrictive attitudes around otherkinship have protected us in the past. Maybe to a small degree they're right, but it's done so much harm that just can't be ignored. To go back to the fang metaphor, it needs to be treated or pulled out, but it can't be left to keep destroying the bone.

Someone's self-perceptions should be the most important thing. If someone sees themself as nonhuman, however they explain it, then they are nonhuman! If they think the word otherkin fits their experiences best based on how they've seen it used and how they relate to that, then they are otherkin. We should trust the things that people say to us if they haven't given us a reason not to.

Someone's actions are the second most important thing. Because I think people should be allowed to use whatever term they feel fits... So long as they're not hurting themselves or others. This is where we get into territory of someone using the otherkin label to try and convince people to join their abusive pack, or to sell their lowkey racist book on physical shapeshifting, or to justify their awful treatment of animals and other people. It's a little bit like the paradox of tolerance. We should always take what people say in good faith, but we also shouldn't be afraid to point out when people are abusing the community and its language for cruel or abusive ends. Complete exclusion can be harmful, but so can complete inclusion. There has to be nuance and balance. Not everyone is going to agree on where to draw that line but it's still something we can all probably agree should still be there.

Maybe my views on this are a little self-centered, because my identity as an Anjanath isn't something I was born with and doesn't have a spiritual origin. It's something that would have been really heavily criticized in more elitist groups. But even with that in mind, I still think that trying to gatekeep based on origin or explanations doesn't work when it's what we are and how we feel and what we do that matters most. Gatekeeping doesn't protect us in any worthwhile way. It doesn't help us correct the people who are taking about us in ways that are accidentally wrong or even malicious. It only ends up hurting people who don't have more popular or publicly talked about identities. Gatekeeping isn't what helps us define our communities! It's how we engage with our communities and what cultures we make around them that does.

[thefirstknife]

sometimes it feels like people just want to think the worst of mara, no matter what. like the context of the line “uldren sov, lightbearer” is that she’s literally apologizing for thinking that way, but it’s like people’s brains zero in on that one line and completely black out the rest of what she’s saying so they can continue to treat her like the meanest and most morally bankrupt character in destiny. lmao

Yeah, that was the vibe the whole time ever since that line dropped. Like, Mara has a 2 minute long speech and all people talked about was 3 words of it. Obviously her original idea she had years ago is shitty and she knows it. It didn't come to pass and she's fine with that, she came to terms with Crow being a different person and she is waiting for him to make his choice about whether he wants to talk to her.

Pretty much everything she says is being interpreted through the most uncharitable lens possible. It was the same with the lore page where Mara and Petra discuss how to tell Crow about Uldren. It was framed by the fandom as Mara maliciously trying to manipulate him, but the actual lore page was just Mara and Petra trying to find a good way to break the news to him? Like, Crow should've known about Uldren the moment he first died to an angry Guardian. He should've been eased into the knowledge and it should've been explained to him carefully by people he can trust. Alas, it ended up being Savathun beaming him with incomprehensible tragic memories.

[ladyfogg]

Heal My Wounds - Part 1

Heal My Wounds - Part 1 of 3

Fic Summary:  After you meet the infamous Kit Walker, you realize that he cannot possibly be guilty of everything they say he is. Determined to treat him with kindness and compassion, you end up falling hard for the handsome man with gorgeous dark eyes. But you both are playing a dangerous game and you must decide just how far you’re willing to go to save the man you love. Part 2. AHS Masterlist. 

Fic Rating: 18+

Fic Song: War by Poets of the Fall

Pairing: Kit Walker/Female Reader

Warnings: Language, Smut, Slow Burn, tw: mental illness, tw: asylum setting, tw: violence

A/N: I ended up finishing this a lot quicker than I thought I was going to. Enjoy! For @tatestripedsweater​ and @kitwalker02​. 

You’ve seen many things during your time at Briarcliff. Being a nurse, you deal with truly awful alignments, either self-inflicted or acquired under “mysterious” circumstances. This usually means that a guard roughed the patient up or Dr. Arden can’t be bothered to treat them himself. You learn to expect the worst, not in the patient but in what they are afflicted with. In truth, your heart goes out to every one of them. Regardless of what sent them to Briarcliff, it is always your mission to treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. 

Which is why, when you hear that the infamous Bloody Face, aka Kit Walker, has been transferred to the asylum, you try not to be concerned. You knew all about Bloody Face and what he’s done and when they arrested Kit, you aren’t ashamed to admit that your first thought was, “Good riddance!” However, you force yourself to change your tune once you learn you’ll be treating him at some point. Plenty of dangerous people had come and gone through Briarcliff’s doors. You aren’t going to treat him any differently than you would the other patients.

No matter how dangerous he is. 

It isn’t long before you find yourself face-to-face with him. He is there less than a day before he’s brought in to see you, his lip and his nose a bloody mess, the red a stark contrast to his pale skin. His appearance surprises you even though it shouldn’t. You read the papers; you’ve seen his face. Yet, in person, he’s so handsome it takes your breath away and you need a moment to compose yourself.

“What happened?” you ask Kit as the guard forces him to sit on the bed. He is bound with cuffs and chains, an overkill if you ever saw one. 

“He got into a scrape with another inmate,” the guard says in a gruff voice. “Bloody Face here got the worst of it.”

“They’re called patients, not inmates,” you correct him with a glare. “And I wasn’t asking you, I was asking Mr. Walker. That is his name, that's what he will be called while he’s under my care.”

The guard, whose name you think is Hardy, looks taken aback by your words. He is a new one who hasn’t had to deal with you yet. While many of the female staff are nuns, you are not. You are there purely for medical purposes, not religious ones. Therefore, you have no reason to force politeness to the guards. After all, why should you? They never show you any. The sooner Hardy learns you will not tolerate his bullshit, the better. 

You have been talked to by Sister Jude several times regarding your attitude but since you are appointed by the state, there is nothing more she can do. Eventually, the both of you came to a mutual understanding. In fact, you suspect she admires your non-nonsense attitude as it most often gets results. If there is a patient in your infirmary, you can call the shots. Of course, the male guards don’t like that, but they can get fucked. 

When you turn back at Kit, he has a surprised look on his face. 

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” you ask. 

“Just my face,” he answers. “And my hands.”

You glance down and see his bruises and bloody knuckles. Clearly, he defended himself but given the fact that the other patient hasn’t been brought it, you assume Kit got the worst of it. You go about collecting what you need to disinfect his wounds. 

To Hardy, you say, “Remove his chains.”

“No can do. Not for this one.”

“His knuckles are bleeding, and I need to examine his hands to make sure nothing is broken or fractured. Remove his chains.”

There is an intense stare-off between you and the guard before he relents and unbinds Kit. Once his restraints are gone, you wave Hardy off. “You may step outside.”

“Now hold on a minute! This man—”

“Has rights. He deserves the same privacy as every other patient. Besides, I won’t have you getting in my way while I patch him up. You can step outside and wait. I’m more than capable of handling myself.”

Hardy snorts, annoyed and done with arguing. “Fine by me. Don’t complain if you get killed.”

“I won’t, considering if that happens, I won’t be able to. Or are you not aware how death works?”

With a sneer, he stalks away, and you heard him mutter, “Stupid bitch.” under his breath.

“Smart bitch actually,” you call after him. “And shut the door on your way out, please.” It slams behind him and you return your attention to your patient. 

Kit looks at you with awe. “Forgive me for saying so, doc. But you’re one tough broad.”

You laugh, pulling a chair over so you can sit in front of Kit. “I’m not a doctor, I’m a nurse. And you have to be though, especially in this place. The gentle don’t last long. Now, let’s take a look at those hands.”

Kit extends his hands, and you take them in your own, examining his wounded knuckles. After moving each finger and his wrists, you determine there was nothing broken or fractured so you set about cleaning the scrapes. Kit watches you the entire time. Even though you don’t look up from your work, you can feel his eyes on you. 

“I think you’re the only person in this place who’s not afraid of me,” he says after a stretch of silence. “This is the first time I’ve been treated like a person since this whole thing started.”

“Should I be afraid of you, Mr. Walker?” you glance up and are immediately taken in by the soft expression on his face. 

“Call me Kit,” he says. “And I never hurt anybody. All the things they say I did are lies. I have no idea what happened to those girls and I have no idea what happened to Alma other than they took her.”

You consider his words for a moment and pull away, letting his hands fall to his lap. The bloody towel you hold is tossed onto your tray of supplies before you sit back and cross your arms. “Alright then, Kit. Tell me why I should believe you.”

Kit doesn’t seem to know what to say at first. You’ve dealt with numerous patients who swear up and down they didn’t do what they were accused of. Most of them had. Because of that, you are pretty damn good at reading people because even the best liar has a tell. An eye twitch, a knee bounce, a lip bite…anything. You trained yourself to look for these things because, in your line of work, it means the difference between life or death. 

The man in front of you doesn’t look like he’s hiding anything. More to the point, you don’t feel scared of him. You aren’t made of stone; you feel fear just like everyone else. You are simply better at masking it. However, that violent vibe you’ve learned to sense doesn’t radiate from Kit and as you look into his deep brown eyes, all you see is fear, frustration, anger, and sadness. They all pass one after another on a loop. 

“I don’t have a reason,” Kit finally says after a long pause. “If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t believe me either. But you showed me kindness no one else has and I’m grateful. Really.”

“I think this place wouldn’t be half as bad as those colleagues of mine showed a little kindness too.” You go back to work, cleaning his hands. “This is going to sting a bit.”

Kit flinches as you pour alcohol over his cuts. Carefully, you clean them some more before you are sure they won’t get infected. Once that’s done, you wrap them in bandages. 

“There, good as new. Just try to keep those bandages dry for a bit. You can take them off tomorrow to let the cuts breathe. Let me make sure your nose isn't broken.”

Kit remain still as you gently cup his face, turning his head left to right in order to take stock of his injuries. Being so close, you realize how handsome he truly is. That jawline is to die for, and his dark curls looks so soft, you want to run your fingers through them. Once that thought entered your brain, you scold yourself. He is your patient and is in the asylum to see if he is fit to stand trial for murder. Thinking about him in any way other than professional is a dangerous game. And very stupid.

“That bad huh?” Kit asks with a slight smirk. 

It isn’t a malicious one by any means. In fact, it’s almost hesitant. Like he is afraid to be so comfortable joking with you. You don’t blame him considering what he has gone through. You offer him a smile in return. 

“Just a split lip and it doesn’t look like your nose is broken. It’s not even swollen. There shouldn’t be any permanent damage.”

You grab a fresh towel and dip it in warm water before gingerly cleaning the blood from his face. But before you can get far, Kit reaches up to stop you. Instinctively you freeze, worried that you may have hurt him. Maybe his nose is worse off than you originally thought?

“Did I hurt you?” you ask.

Kit shakes his head. “No, I’m just…” He pauses as if he’s not sure what to say next. “I’m sorry but I just...why aren’t you scared of me?"

“You really want me to be, don’t you?”

“What? No! Of course not. I’m just…” He stops when he sees you holding back a smile. “You’re messing with me.”

You shrug and go back to your work. “A little,” you admit. “But to answer your question, I’m not scared of you because I believe you. I don’t think you killed or even hurt anyone. I just don’t sense that sort of evil in you. As for what you claim to have witnessed, that I don’t know about. But I do know crazy, Kit Walker. And you’re not it.”

It is like the remaining tension leaves his body and Kit slumps against you, a few tears running down his cheeks. Without thinking, you pull him into a tight hug, letting him rest his weary head on your shoulder. The warmth of him is invigorating and you savor the feeling. It’s been a long time since you’ve been touched in any way. Long work hours make your social life non-existent and you carefully keep your distance with your patients.

Except Kit, it seems. You don’t know why your well-constructed walls are crumbling under the weight of one interaction with one man.

“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” he says, his voice muffled by your uniform. “No one will listen. No one believes…”

“I’m listening. But first, sit back before you get blood all over me.”

With a weak laugh, Kit pulls away.  He wipes the tears with the back of his hand which you’re grateful for because you were about two seconds away from gently brushing them away. Pulling yourself together, you continue to clean his face while he tells you his story. It’s definitely strange. The idea of being abducted and probed was one you’d rather not think about.

But you don’t just listen to his words, you watch his expression, pay attention to the tone of his voice and his body language. Even though you’ve heard some of it through the papers, it’s different hearing it from him directly. Once he’s done, you’re even more certain he didn’t kill anyone. No one who talks about their missing wife that softly and heart felt could possibly be a vicious serial killer.

It’s his eyes that give him away. There’s so much emotion and depth, you can’t help but believe him. You wish you can explain it, but some things are beyond explanation.

“You sure I’m not crazy?” Kit asks when you don’t respond to him right away.

“After that story, you’re absolutely batshit.”

He chuckles when he realizes you aren’t serious. You pull your hand away, finally done getting rid of all the blood, but he stops you with a gentle touch to your wrist. “Thank you for listening. I could tell you weren’t judging when I spoke, and I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”

“It’s not my place to judge. Only heal.” You sit back, breaking all contact with him, hoping it’ll clear your spinning head.  “There. Now you’re just as handsome as you were before. Do me a favor and at least try not to get majorly hurt again for the rest of the day?”

“He started it.”

“Everyone always starts things here. And given your current situation, it’s best to keep your head down as much as possible.”

“What’s the point? They’ve already made up their minds about me being guilty,” Kit says bitterly as you roll your tray over to the sink. He sees a pack of cigarettes on your desk and nods towards them. “Mind if I have one?”

You wave for him to go ahead as you clean up. “I wish I had words of encouragement for you. I wish I could say it will all work out. But unless they catch the real Bloody Face, your choices are either here or the electric chair.”

Kit pops a cigarette in his mouth and lights the end. “I have to see the state-appointed shrink. My last hope is to convince some head doctor that I’m not crazy.”

Your heart goes out to him. His situation really is a double-edged sword. If he proves he isn’t crazy, then they are sure to send him to trial and his death. If he keeps spouting off about strangers abducting him and his wife, then they will keep him at Briarcliff. Either way, he loses. It isn’t fair. 

“Stick to your story,” you tell him. “If it’s really the truth and that’s really what you know happened, then stick to it. I mean, it’ll probably get you confined here for life. But at least you’ll be alive.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?”

You don’t get to respond. The door bursts open and Sister Jude strolls in with Hardy right behind her. You wonder how long he waited outside before running to tattle on you.

“Why is this patient not restrained?” she asks in that stern voice of hers. 

“I needed to clean his hands and couldn’t very well do that when they were bound,” you say. “He’s all set now.”

“In the future, I would appreciate it if you would leave the door open. No young woman should be alone with this one,” Sister Jude says, motioning to Kit. “Not until he’s been properly medicated.”

“He deserves just as much privacy as any of us do when being medically treated.”

“Not here. Not under my roof,” Sister Jude counters. “I like you, girl, but don’t push me on this. Kit Walker may have the looks of an angel but he’s far from it.”

“She didn’t do nothing wrong,” Kit says angrily.

Sister Jude motions for Hardy to grab Kit. Anger courses through your veins when you see how he is manhandled. “Hey, be careful! I don’t want to have to treat a dislocated shoulder,” you say.

Kit sends you a grateful smile which Sister Jude unfortunately notices. She steps up to him and in a low voice says, “Quit your leering! You don’t fool me, Kit Walker. You can keep spouting that innocent act all you’d like but I know there’s darkness in your soul.”

Kit’s body tenses and you see him clench his fists in anger. The nun yanks his cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out on your desk. 

What a bitch.

As he is led away, Kit dares to look back at you and you see the glimmer of another smile before he is gone. The empty room suddenly seems more so without him there. It’s strange how comfortable you feel around him, especially considering the circumstances. After cleaning up the remnants of his cigarette, you sit back at your desk. But focusing is not in the cards for you. The rest of the day, you find yourself constantly sidetracked by the handsome brown-haired man with the deep brown eyes. So much so that you get angry with yourself.

You are hardly ever swayed by just a pretty face. Then again, there’s more to Kit than that. Although, it certainly helps. The way he stood up for you even when he was in trouble spoke volumes about who he is a person. You don’t think there is a selfish bone in that man’s body.

The next day during meds, you don’t see him in the Day Room with the others. It suddenly occurs to you that after the fight the day before, he probably was thrown in solitary. You hate solitary being used for any of your patients but the thought of Kit in a small dark room, bound and alone makes your heart break in your chest. All you can do is hope he’ll be out of there soon. 

At least three days pass before you see him again, mostly because you spend most of that time in the infirmary rather than in the common areas. It’s early morning and you are enjoying a rare moment of silence when the door opens, and Kit is led in. He’s bleeding from a cut on his forehead, which has already begun to bruise and swell. 

“What happened?” you demand as you leap to your feet. 

The guard, a brute named Dixon who you can’t stand, forces Kit onto one of the beds. “He slipped and fell.”

You doubt it. Your eyes slide over to look at Kit, who gives you a subtle shake of his head. “Oh really?” you ask Dixon, narrowing your eyes in distrust. “This seems like a pretty big bump just to happen from a slip.”

“Just treat him so I can get him back with the others,” Dixon orders. 

“He hit his head. I’m going to have to keep him here for a few hours to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion.”

“Fine.” Dixon shoves Kit until he was laying on the bed. When he reaches for the restraints, Kit fights back. 

“No! Let me go!” Kit struggles against him.

“Those aren’t necessary,” you declare, crossing the room to try to stop Dixon. 

But the guard isn’t having any of it. The next thing you know, he pushes you away, hard enough that you trip over your feet and fall right on your ass.

“You son of a bitch!” Kit exclaims. He leaps up and punches Dixon square in the jaw.  

What happens next is a flurry of blows and swears as the men fight each other. Knowing this can only end poorly for Kit, you manage to get back up before prying the two apart. “Enough!” you snap. “No fighting in my infirmary!”

Dixon is practically snarling as he wipes blood from the corner of his mouth. “You don’t scare me, Bloody Face. If I had my way, you’d be in the furnace by now.”

Kit makes a move to go at him, but you stop him with a hand on his chest. “Mr. Walker, lay down so Dixon can bind you. If you don’t, I know the right injection that’ll make you so tired, you’ll wake up next week.”

Kit’s eyebrows knit together as he looks at you with concern. You throw him a subtle wink. Breathing heavily, he sits back on the bed and allows Dixon to restrain him. Even though it pains you to do so, you help to keep up appearances. But you don’t tighten them as much as you should. Kit’s jaw is clenched as he watches Dixon’s movements, as if he’s waiting for him to attack again.

Once Kit is secured, you reach into your pocket. Unbeknownst to the guards, you carry around a sharpened scalpel for your own protection and the second Dixon lets his guard down, you press it to his neck, making him halt his movements.

“Listen here, you sick fuck,” you growl. “If you ever lay a hand on me again, I’ll shove this so far into your neck you’ll have to take your meals through a tube. Are we clear?”

Dixon sneers and takes a step back. “Whatever you say, woman. Call us when this psycho is ready to go back to his cell. And I’d be careful who you threaten. You wouldn’t want to end up like one of your patients, now would you?”

His threats send a chill down your spine, but you keep your hand steady, the scalpel still pointed at him as he backs away. It’s not until he’s out the door that you cross the room so you can lock it behind him.

“Are you alright?” Kit asks the moment it’s clear the two of you are alone.

You cross the room, pocketing the sharp instrument as you go. “I’m fine, Kit. Don’t worry about me.” As quick as you can, you undo his bindings. “Sorry about this. I fucking hate using bindings, but it was the only way to get Dixon to leave. He’s got a nasty streak in him; I’d stay clear if I were you. Are you okay? What happened to your head?”

“That asshole smashed my face into the wall,” he says as he sits up, rubbing his wrists. “He caught me wandering out of the Day Room.”

“Now why would you go and do a stupid thing like that?” you ask, hands on your hips. “Didn’t I tell you to keep your head down?”

“I just needed some peace and quiet. On my own terms and not in a dark dirty cell. Besides, others wander. Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because the others aren’t wanted for murder. They mean to make an example out of you, Kit.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

You sigh and head to the icebox in the corner of the room. As you put together an icepack for him, you say, “These guards will look for any excuse to get rough. And they especially have it out for you. You have to be careful.”

“I hate this. I hate all of it. I feel like I’m going crazy. My head is so cloudy, and I can barely feel anything.”

“Those are the meds. Meant to keep you docile.” You carry the ice pack over to him along with supplies to fix up his head wound. “And suppress other impulses.”

“It’s inhumane, that’s what it is.” Kit barely makes a face as you clean the cut and dress it. “How am I supposed to defend myself if I don’t even feel like me? I think I’m slipping, doc.”

“I told you, I’m not a doctor.”

“Well, what should I call you then? You never gave me your name.”

You tell him your name and press the icepack to the bump on his head, “Here, hold this. Your nose is bleeding…again.”

Kit does as he’s told. After a moment, he says your name. It’s soft and beautiful coming from his lips and you can barely focus long enough to hear his question. “Can I confess something to you?”

“I’m no priest or nun.” You start to dab at his nose with a damp towel.

“It’s not that kind of confession. I wasn’t just wandering for the sake of wandering. I was trying to come see you.”

You pause, heart pounding in your chest as your eyes flickering up to meet his. “Why?”

“I feel safe here.”

You go back to your work. “I’m glad you do, but I don’t want you to get yourself hurt just to see me.”

“I didn’t know that asshole was gonna beat the shit out of me just for wandering.”

“Say you have cramps.”

Kit raises his eyebrow. “What?”

“If you want to see me…I mean, come to the infirmary, tell a guard or one of my assistants that you have cramps or a stomachache. It’s something most people don’t question since stomach stuff is really common, ‘specially around here. It usually comes with vomiting or diarrhea and no one wants to deal with that.”

Kit smiles. “Good to know.”

You finish cleaning him up and add, “But don’t overuse the excuse. Otherwise, if something is really bothering you, they won’t listen.”

“Understood. Do you really think I have a concussion?”

“No. Your eyes are clear and you’re not slurring your words. I figured it would at least give you a little reprieve from everything out there.”

Kit’s smile widens. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Although, I will have to at least keep your feet bound. That way if the guard comes back, I can quickly bind your hands before they enter. The lock will only temporarily slow them down since they have keys.”

“Hey, if it means spending time here with you instead of out there with everyone else who thinks I’m a vicious murderer, I’ll take it.”

Once you have him settled in the bed, you give him a cigarette before going about your daily routine. It is nice having Kit there. Occasionally, you talk as he smokes, but for the most part, the both of you enjoy each other’s company. He asks you about yourself, minor things, nothing too personal or probing, which you appreciate. You feel like he’s also trying to keep some distance between you, understanding your position and what a friendship with him could mean.

A few hours later, when you hear footsteps coming your way, you quickly bind Kit’s hands.

It takes a second for the door to be unlocked but then it opens and Dixon enters just as you’re pretending to check Kit’s bandages. “Walker here needs to see the shrink,” he says gruffly, crossing the room towards you.

“I was just about to call you.” Your lie is so effortless it even impresses you. “He doesn’t have a concussion. You can take him.”

Dixon is rough as he unbinds Kit and yanks him off the bed. To his credit, Kit doesn’t fight back or resist, understanding the stupid rules he needs to follow if he’s going to get anywhere in this place. Once he’s gone, you start to wrap up for the day, finishing any last minute tasks before getting ready to go home. As you’re straightening up your desk, your eyes catch the medication logbook, and an idea strikes you.

Sitting down, you flip through the pages, taking a look at the medications that are prescribed to each patient. At the bottom of the list is Kit’s name and, with a quick flick of your pencil, you manage to subtly cut his doses in half. It’s not much. You wish you can outright stop giving him the meds but that’s impossible. Hopefully, this way he’ll start to feel like himself.

You expect to be worried or guilty for what you’ve done. But honestly, you don’t. It feels right. Far too many patients have lost themselves in Briarcliff and you’re determined not to let Kit be one of them.

---

Kit’s world is not even recognizable anymore. One day he’s home with his beautiful wife, the next, she’s gone, and the police are accusing him of murder. He sees those damn creatures every time he closes his eyes, hears that loud noise echoing in his ears. If it’s not that he’s hearing, it’s the screams of the other patients.

When he saw you for the first time, heard you snap at the guard for mistreating him, he thought he was still dreaming. You have to be a dream. Nothing that good or sweet can possibly exist in this place. The way you look at him makes him feel seen for the first time in months.

He can’t get you out of his mind. After that initial visit, all he could think about was your warm embrace and the concern in your eyes.

To have someone care enough to worry about him meant everything. Especially during such a dark time. Trying to sneak away to see you had been a stupid idea but one he thought was worth the risk. He needed to know if he would have the same feelings each time, the same security and comfort. Do you really believe him or are you just a great actress?

The second time, you’re just as kind and generous as the first, and Kit knows that he is in trouble. A different kind of trouble than he already is in. This one is emotionally based and has the potential to end very badly.

Kit knew himself well enough to recognize the signs that he is falling for someone. You have only known each other a short while but already he can’t get you out of his mind.

The day following his first appointment with Dr. Thredson, he sees you in the Day Room and has to stop himself from immediately going over. It’s clear you’re busy, making the rounds and checking in on the other patients. Kit watches from a distance, smoking a cigarette as he leans against the back wall. Your kindness extends to everyone you come in contact with. He watches with admiration as you sit patiently with Pepper, checking on the small scrapes and abrasions she has.

You smile and his breath gets caught in his throat. Fuck you’re gorgeous.

Curiously, Kit watches as you slip something into Pepper’s hands before moving on to someone else. It turns out to be a small chocolate, which Pepper immediately devours before going back to her book. Kit smiles.

You catch each other’s eyes across the room just then. It’s a charged moment, like nothing in the world matters but the two of you. He makes a move to walk towards you, unable to help himself anymore. But then meds are called, and the moment is lost. Kit stubs out his cigarette and gets behind Lana as everyone lines up for their medications.

“This is bullshit,” Lana mutters under her breath. “Not all of us need medication. I don’t like that they force it on us. Makes my head all foggy.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Kit asks, echoing your sentiment from the day before. “Keep us under control.”

“I have a point. One I’d like to shove right up their asses.”

Kit snorts at Lana’s blunt phrasing. At first, she had been weary of him but now the two have developed a mutual understanding. Neither one of them belongs there and it’s better to support each other than fight. The line moves and Kit watches you join your assistant to make the medication process go faster.

When it’s his turn, you hand him his cup and briefly, his hands touches yours. It’s like a bolt of electricity shoots through your fingertips and into his, coursing through his veins at such a speed it makes his head spin. On the outside however, he remains calm, bringing the cup up to his lips to knock back his meds. Except, he notices they look slightly different than the days before. His eyes briefly dart to yours and there’s a subtle change in your expression. Your eye closes just enough to seem like a wink without fully being one.

Kit downs the meds with less hesitation than before.

Sadly, he can’t talk to you after that. Once meds are distributed, you go back to the infirmary and he’s left alone once more. Briefly he considers faking a stomachache to see you again, but your warning is still ringing in his ears. The fact that you offered him the excuse was risky on your part. He doesn’t want to get you in trouble by overstaying his welcome in the infirmary. Even though he is curious about the medication change, he lets it go.

It’s not until he’s in his room that night that he realizes he’s feeling clear-headed. Usually, once lights out comes around, the meds have him so loopy he rolls over and goes to sleep. Or at least tries. This time, however, he feels more like himself. Of course, that also means he’s more aware of the dark and the loud screams, but once they subside, he’s left with silence and his own thoughts.

She must have lowered my meds or something. She’s fucking amazing.

Kit smiles, curling onto his side as he allows himself to think about you without worry or fear. Again and again your meetings replay in his mind and when he closes his eyes, he can almost smell the scent of your laundry detergent and perfume. The way your soft hands gently held his made him flex his fingers instinctively. Those lips of yours…he’d given anything to kiss them.

Kit’s eyes fly open when he feels his cock swell. It’s been so long since he’s felt any kind of sexual desire even before being medication. It’s a wonderful change of pace, however now he has a slight problem. Kit feels ashamed of himself for thinking of you sexually. All you’ve done is show him kindness and he’s thinking about doing all sorts of things to you. With a frustrated sigh, he rolls onto his stomach and tries to ignore it.

This turns out to be a bad idea. The pressure of his body against the hard mattress causes wonderful friction and Kit finds himself pressing his hips down for some semblance of relief.

Fuck it, he thinks, shoving his hand in his pants. I need this right now. I need her.

It’s been a long time since he’s done this himself. It takes a second to find the right angle and rhythm. He stays on his stomach, arching his back just enough to give his hand room as he jerks himself off. Burying his face in his pillow, he bites down to stifle his moans as he pictures you in your nurse’s uniform. The way it hugs your frame suddenly assaults his vision. When you had leaned over him to check his head, he had caught just the barest hint of cleavage. Then, he had purposefully closed his eyes to be respectful.

Now, it’s all he focuses on, thinking about how he’d love to run his tongue across your salty flesh while his hands cupped your tits. He’d bury his nose in your skin and inhale your scent before kissing and sucking every bit of you he could reach.

Would you moan his name? He bets you would, and he bets it would sound fucking fantastic.

Kit grips himself tighter, speeding up his movements as he keeps the fantasy going in his mind. Suddenly, the angle is too constricting, and he rolls onto his back, biting his bottom lip as he hand brings him closer to coming.

He pictures it being your hand. Pictures him laying in that hospital bed, you leaning over him and jerking him off as you watch his face. He thinks of you telling him to come for you and as soon as that thought crosses his mind, he explodes, coming all over his own hand as he quietly moans your name.

Sweating and panting, Kit lays there in his bed, heart racing and head spinning. He uses his blanket to clean himself up, tossing it onto the floor before curling into a ball. He expects the shame or guilt to hit him any moment, but he can’t find it in himself to feel either. All he feels is aching in his heart for the real thing.

The next morning, when they open the cells, he remains in bed. Once he hears the guard come closer, Kit begins to moan in agony, clutching his stomach.

Thankfully, Hardy is the one who check on him. Ever since you told him off, he’s been mostly tolerable to Kit. At least to his face.

“What’s wrong?” the guard asks.

“My stomach,” Kit moans. “I think…I think I ate something bad.” When Hardy kicks Kit’s soiled blanket aside, he adds, “Wouldn’t touch that if I were you. I felt real sick last night.”

Hardy wrinkles his nose and gestures for Kit to get up. “Come on. I’m taking you to the nurse.”

Laying on the theatrics, Kit forces himself up, still hunched over with his arms wrapped around his stomach.

You’re sitting at your desk when he enters. The morning light is filtering in through the barred windows and it catches you ever so slightly. Enough to almost make Kit forget he’s supposed to be in great pain. When you see him, your face grows concerned.

“This one is moaning about a stomachache,” Hardy says. “Where do you want him?”

To his dismay, Kit notices you’re not alone today. There’s a patient asleep in one of the other beds. You’re out of your chair in a second, pressing one of those soft hands to his forehead.

“He’s burning up.” Your ability to lie so smoothly makes Kit admire you even more. “Here, let’s get him on this bed right here.”

Hardy and you help Kit onto one of the beds in the corner of the room, one that’s hidden behind a divider. “I’ll keep an eye on him,” you say, tucking Kit in. “It’s probably just food poisoning. I’ve told the cook a million times they need to store the food better.”

“Think he needs to be tied down?” Hardy asks.

“No, of course not. Have you ever dealt with a patient who’s tied down and soiling themselves? My job is hard enough as it is. I won’t be dealing with that today.”

Kit makes retching noises if for no other reason than to see Hardy grow pale and uncomfortable.

“Oh, you better go before he starts up,” you urge, shooing the guard away.

Kit keeps up the act until he hears the door close and you turn to him, giving him a wide smile. “Wow, bravo. Great work, Kit.”

He smiles, sitting up. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll have a shot as an actor when this is all over.”

You chuckle and glance over at your other patient to make sure he’s still sleeping before sitting on the chair by Kit’s bed. “How are you really feeling this morning?”

“Better, actually. Do I have you to thank for that?”

“Well…it did seem overkill to have you on such high doses of medication when you aren’t mentally unstable. I’m sorry I couldn’t take you off them completely.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Kit says, reaching out to lay his hand over yours. “If anything, I’m sorry for you having to take that risk. I don’t want you to get in trouble, or worse, because of me.”

You look down at his hand and he immediately draws it back, worrying he may have crossed a line. There’s something in your expression that puts him on edge. He can see that you’re struggling, which only makes him feel worse. He berates himself for foolishly giving into his desires. Already things are tough, and the future is scarily uncertain. He’s on the hook for murder for fuck’s sake.

Before Kit can continue the self-deprecating spiral, you surprise him by carefully getting out of your seat and sitting next to him on the bed.

“Kit…” you say. “This friendship between us…I don’t know if it can continue.”

Kit’s heart sinks and he looks away from you, his gaze now fixated on the floor. “I don’t blame you,” he says. “It’s not safe being near me in any way. Honestly, it was stupid of me to come here like that. As much as I like spending time with you, I never want to put you in a compromising position. I’ve seen these guards and I know how they treat women. You’re in just as much danger here as I am.”

Your hand takes his, and he snaps his head up to look at you.

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” you say. For the first time since you met a few days ago, he hears the slightest crack in your voice. “I’m worried because, if we continue this friendship, I know that for me, one day, it might not be enough.”

His heart speeds up at your confession. Kit can’t believe his ears. The fact that you are feeling even the slightest bit of the attraction to him that he’s been feeling for you is enough to give him the sliver of hope that’s been severely lacking over the last few weeks.

Kit hesitantly links his fingers with yours, giving you every chance to pull away. You don’t. When he says your name, his throat is dry, and he has to clear it before he can go on. “I have no right liking you as much as I do. I don’t believe in God, but I can’t help but think that you’re my damn guardian angel. Because of you, I’m actually starting to think that maybe there’s a way out of this. Or at the very least, staying here won’t be so bad so long as you’re here.”

Your gaze softens and you look away, trying to hide the tear leaking out of the corner of your eye. With his free hand, Kit reaches up to wipe it away with his thumb. He can’t stop himself from cupping your cheek, needing to feel the warmth and softness against his palm. You shut your eyes, leaning into his touch, a shaky exhale escaping through your parted lips.

Your lips.

Kit’s eyes can’t look anywhere else. They look so inviting. He bets they’re just as soft as the rest of you, maybe even more so. Without even stopping to think what he’s doing, he starts to lean in, so slowly that you don’t seem to notice until you open your eyes to meet his. You pull your head back. Not abruptly or angrily, but enough where he gets the message to stop. Kit sighs with disappointment at the refusal. But a second later, you’re leaning in this time, at the same achingly slow pace he had been before.

Your lips brush and there’s a heated charge that soars between you, making you pause before you even properly get a kiss. Your eyes are wide as they meet his, searching for the same thing he’s looking for in yours: permission, acceptance, desire.

Kit closes the distance.

With one hand still cradling your face, he kisses you deeply, drawing your body as close to his as he dares. He feels you melt under his touch and it urges him to keep going, to keep kissing you, to deepen the kiss so he can savor the intense waves of desire washing over him.

You let him, opening your mouth so that his tongue can glide along yours.

It all becomes too intense for the both of you and you have to break the kiss, panting as your foreheads rest against one another’s.

“This is such a bad idea,” you say, the breathlessness of your voice making Kit’s cock twitch. “We have to be smart and we have to be careful. If we really can’t stay apart, then you have to listen to what I say and follow my instructions. Okay?”

“I can do that,” Kit says. He’d honestly agree to anything you say at that point. “Trust me, baby. I know the stakes.”

“Me too.” You take a deep breath and pull away, breaking all contact with him. It immediately leaves him cold and wanting more. “My assistants will be coming to collect the meds any moment. I need to go prepare.”

You reach out to cup his cheek and Kit holds your wrist, keeping your hand there for another moment so he could savor the contact. The way your eyes soften at him only makes him want to kiss you again. Instead, he settles for a peck on your palm before letting you fully pull away.

As you stand and collect yourself, you take a step towards the divider before you pause and look back at him. “No one can know, Kit. Not if you want to stay under my care. If anyone finds out there’s something between us, they’ll transfer me somewhere else and I won’t be able to protect you.”

The fact that you’re scared for him in this scenario and not yourself makes Kit want to throw you on the bed and ravish you. “I promise, I will find a way to clear my name,” he says. “Then once I’m out of here, I’ll take you away. Far away where this place can’t reach us.”

You smile and reach out to stroke his cheek again. “Easy there, Mr. Walker,” you tease, stroking his bottom lip with your thumb. “Keep talking like that and I may think you’re already falling for me.”

He watches you walk away, only one thought on his mind. Too late for that.

[cto10121]

The bad Shakespeare takes keep coming, I see. This one had the cleverness to couch itself as a personal narrative (makes it much more interesting, tbh). But as bad Shakespeare takes are my bread and butter, my boon and bane, mamma mia here we go again, with Merchant of Venice.

“But those who thought the play was irredeemably antisemitic were, the consensus went, vulgar and whiny—​and, completely coincidentally, they were also Jewish, which somehow magically invalidated their opinions on this subject.”

I’m glad (is that even the right word?) this author found scholars that don’t think this play is anti-Semitic, but my experience with scholarship has been way more mixed than that. Suffice to say, this is literally all the play is known for these days, and views of the play as anti-Semitic are everywhere (Rosenbaum even had a hot take that since the Nazis liked it, it must be anti-Semitic). Didn’t know Harold Bloom thinks this play is anti-Semitic, though. That in itself is a bit of a red flag, as Bloom is a notoriously poor reader of Shakespeare.

“[I]n Merchant, Portia unhappily fulfills her father’s requirements of her suitors, while in Il Pecorone, the lady enjoys drugging her suitors and robbing them blind. By removing this detail, Shakespeare removed the suggestion that malicious schemers come from all walks of life.”

Or, by removing this detail, Shakespeare removed the clear and abhorrent sexism of his original source that turned a woman robbed of her autonomy by her father’s will into a criminal. It’s almost as if you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

“Dr. Lopez, one of the most respected physicians of the 16th century, had indiscreetly revealed that he once treated the Earl of Essex for venereal disease. The earl took revenge by framing Dr. Lopez for treason and arranging for his torture; while on the rack, Dr. Lopez “confessed”—​though “like a Jew,” as the court record states, he denied all charges at trial, while the attorney for the Crown referred to him matter-​of-​factly as “a perjuring murdering traitor and Jewish doctor.”

This is a very twisted account of the Lopez affair and Essex’s motives in going against him, at least to my understanding. For context, Lopez was accused of receiving loads of money from the King of Spain to poison Queen Elizabeth.

According to Stephen Greenblatt, in Will of the World: “Essex had tried some years before to recruit Lopez as a secret agent. Lopez’s refusal—he chose instead directly to inform the queen—may have been prudent, but it created in the powerful earl a very dangerous enemy. After his arrest, he was initially imprisoned at Essex House and interrogated by the earl himself. But Lopez had powerful allies in the rival faction of the queen’s senior adviser William Cecil, Lord Burghley, and his son, Robert Cecil, who also participated in the interrogation and reported to the queen that the charges against her physician were baseless.” Lopez apparently had been taken bribes from various sources, and confessed (freely? under torture?) “that he had indeed entered into a treasonous-sounding negotiation with the king of Spain, but he insisted that he had done so only in order to cozen the king out of his money.” Weird.

Greenblatt isn’t a historian, though, and Essex was indeed an asshole to Lopez, (and for what is worth, I feel Lopez was innocent; I just get those vibes) but so far I can find no other source that Essex actively framed Lopez. Most likely he did some sleuthing, dug up some questionable, compromising stuff, and tried to blow a hearth flame into a firestorm.

“After all, the historical record gives Queen Elizabeth a cookie for dawdling on signing Dr. Lopez’s death warrant; her doubts about his guilt even led her to mercifully allow his family to keep his property, not unlike the equally merciful Duke of Venice in Shakespeare’s play.”

Again, Lopez had powerful allies (doesn’t get much higher than Burghley), and again, re: Greenblatt: “According to court observers, Elizabeth gave Essex a tongue-lashing, ‘calling him rash and temerarious youth, to enter into a matter against the poor man, which he could not prove, and whose innocence she knew well enough.’” A cupcake, then?

“And it is of course entirely unclear whether this trial and public humiliation of an allegedly greed-​driven Jew attempting to murder an upstanding Christian, rapturously reported in the press with myriad antisemitic embellishments, had anything at all to do with Shakespeare’s play about the trial and public humiliation of a greed-​driven Jew attempting to murder an upstanding Christian—​which Shakespeare composed shortly after Dr. Lopez decomposed. Most likely these things were completely unrelated.”

Nearly all the major Shakespeare biographies and articles I’ve read literally and explicitly talks about the possible influence of Lopez’s execution on Merchant of Venice and names it as an inspiration: Greenblatt, (he even headcanons that Shakespeare watched the execution!) Bate, Ackroyd. That’s how Horn managed to ping my BS radar something awful—because I had read about it, many times, even if it was mentioned in passing. It’s solid, legit Shakespearean academic fanon. The sarcasm is really unwarranted, and childish besides.

“It was damned hard to hear the nuance while parsing lines like “Certainly the Jew is the very devil incarnal,” or “My master’s a very Jew; give him a present, give him a halter,” or explaining what Shylock meant when he planned to “go in hate, to feed upon / The prodigal Christian.”

The first two are the fool’s, Lancelot’s, lines, I think. As for Shylock’s hatred toward Christians, while ugly, it’s entirely understandable given the Christian characters’ treatment of him pre-play and during it (Antonio spitting on Shylock’s gaberdine and then asking him to borrow money from him is called out by Shylock himself for its sheer hypocrisy). It also fits Shylock’s character as an unassimilated Jew, resenting Christian hypocrisy and racism.

“The actor began the brief soliloquy that every English-​speaking Jew is apparently meant to take as a compliment: ‘I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? . . . ​If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?’

“Wait, that’s the part where he’s more human?”

[…]“Sure,” I told my son, game-​facing him back in the rearview. “He’s reminding us how he’s like everyone else. He’s a normal person with normal feelings.”

My son laughed. “You seriously fell for that?”

[…] “What do you mean?”

“Shylock’s just saying he wants revenge! Like, ‘Oh, yeah? If I’m a regular human, then I get to be eee-​vil like a regular human!’ This is the evil monologue thing that every supervillain does! ‘I’ve had a rough life, and if you were me you would do the same thing, so that’s why I’m going to KILL BATMAN, mu-​hahaha!’ He’s just manipulating the other guy even more!”

And then the crowd applauded, Harold Bloom cried, and the mayor gave the author’s six-year-old son a gold medal for his Brave Hot Take. Honestly, this was the most unbelievable part of the essay I’ve read. Unless this kid has been reading academic essays on MoV that posit this exact same interpretation (“Shylock was just using humanistic rhetoric to justify his ~bloodthirsty revenge!”), this one’s for a fake Internet stories anthology. Shylock may be a dour, miserable pain in the ass, but he is no Barabas, an actual anti-Semitic caricature—he has a character, and a recognizably human one, and the play bears it out that he is right in his anger.

“I reviewed the other moments scholars cite to prove Shylock’s “humanity.” There were two lines of Shylock treasuring his dead wife’s ring, unlike the play’s Christian men who give their wives’ rings away. But unlike the other men, Shylock never gets his ring back—​because his daughter steals it, and becomes a Christian, and inherits what remains of his estate at the play’s triumphant end.”

Er, this is a non sequitur—that last has nothing to do with the first. The point is, Shylock doesn’t give away his ring; the fact that his daughter stole it means nothing to his treasuring it. It may be proof of the play’s marginalization of Shylock (which accurately if sadly reflects real-life systematic marginalization), but not his humanity. Shakespeare just doesn’t do backstories, even for major characters, so it is significant that he gave Shylock a wife/beloved in the first place.

“Finally, scholars point to the many times Shylock explains why he is so revolting: Christians treat him poorly, so he returns the favor. But for this to satisfy, one must accept that Jews are revolting to begin with, and that their repulsiveness simply needs to be explained.”

This makes absolutely no sense at all. If one accepts Jews are inherently revolting, then no explanation need be given for when a Jewish character acts revolting! The racist accepts the revolting Jewish characterization without qualm. The fact that the play insists on his grievance is significant.

“We listened together as Shylock went to court to extract his pound of flesh; as the heroine, chirping about the quality of mercy, forbade him to spill the Christian’s blood as he so desperately desired; as the court confiscated his property, along with his soul through forced conversion; as the play’s most cherished characters used his own words to taunt and demean him, relishing their vanquishing of the bloodthirsty Jew.”

YMMV, but to me there are no cherished characters in this play. That’s the whole point! Everyone is so mired in this dreary capitalist materialism that denigrates genuine human connection into mere transaction. Everything to these characters is money, money, money (and class), or at least tainted by it. Shylock is simply the most overt (and honest) of the lot. Love relationships, religion are impoverished; Portia and Bassanio are scarcely more suited than Portia and her other suitors. Shylock and Antonio are Jews and Christians in-name-only: They are capitalists first and foremost. Portia is a smarter, more likable Karen. Lancelot isn’t funny. Jessica is okay, but her leaving her father is framed as a asshole moment at least in one instance. Portia is probably the most lovable, but she has her asshole moments too. There are no truly awful characters, but you don’t need to demonize and dehumanize your whole cast into two-dimensional racists just to make a point.

Merchant of Venice is not the best of plays. It is one of Shakespeare’s experiments, a proto-problem play before his Jacobean era, using dark comedy and a slight bent of farce to explore and elucidate social issues, racism and discrimination, chiefly. At least it tries, anyway. Taming of the Shrew is the first proto-problem play done completely farcical, which at least makes it compelling in a slapstick-satire way; Merchant is much more sociologically astute, but also more dull and coolly distant even from its own concerns. I don’t blame anyone, much less Jewish people, for not liking the play or thinking it a masterpiece. I myself don’t, though for reasons that have nothing to do with the usual ones. I like what Shakespeare was trying to do and I think he did some things very well. It has ambition and thought. But I feel like for most of it Shakespeare was on writing autopilot while mentally looking around for something a bit meatier to adapt and develop. It’s a jogging-in-one-place play; he has a couple of those.

In sum: Author argues for complicated play’s anti-Semitism, ends up just saying the racist slurs by the flawed/asshole Christian characters made her and her son uncomfortable (feat. A distorted and even misleading account of the Lopez affair). Plus some internalized anti-Semitism to sort through, methinks.

[sereina-archive]

[inspired by that ask about volkner with serena's pokemon, I'd love to hear what serena's pokemon think about red now compared to when they met him! :o]

OH HELL YEAH ROUND 2 LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO / under cut for length!

Merlin - Initial impression was wary. Not as bad as Joyeuse, but he had some reservations. He came around much quicker than Joyeuse did obviously, able to sense that nothing was amiss or untrustworthy about Red. He even tried to talk to Joyeuse about it, but with how stubborn and hardheaded she can be, it was a lost cause. Merlin absolutely adores Red now. Even initially he liked the fire-type starter solidarity he had with Serena, however.

Snack - As I’ve said, Snack is a very easygoing pokemon that doesn’t really care much about anything going on, unless it affects him or his team negatively. He did think Joyeuse was being way too dramatic, but unlike Merlin or Rose, he didn’t try to sway her opinion as he knew it’d be a losing battle and a waste of time. He enjoyed the company of Red’s team when they all met, and enjoys their company still even now - especially Quake. :) It’s also been nice having another Kanto starter around too. I think the thing he’s the happiest about, besides Serena’s happiness obviously, is that they have a home together and he can actually be out and rest in the sun. Without Red, that would have happened a lot later down the line.

Joyeuse - Oh boy. In the beginning when they were just friendly, Joyeuse was totally fine with Red. It wasn’t until romantic feelings began to crop up that she stopped and was like, WAIT A MINUTE, and her opinion sort of soured. After seeing how wrecked Serena was after her previous relationships, Joyeuse assumed the worst and was not hearing anything about how this time would be different. It wasn’t until she saw how absolutely devastated Serena was when Red went back to Johto that she realized how happy they were together. Since they’ve bought the house in Anistar, her view on Red has improved a lot. She feels horrible about the way she treated him, as I don’t imagine she was subtle about her dislike. She’s glad her attitude wasn’t enough to push Red away, and she still feels so bad about everything even now. Red is another person she would readily protect with everything she has.

Rose - Rose has had a very positive view on Red even from the beginning. She is very in-tune with the emotions of people around her, and she never felt any disingenuous or malicious vibes from him. She has been a cheerleader for them as a couple since day one and is EXTREMELY pleased they got together. Not only because she gets to be with Gleam more, but because she can feel they’re both so genuinely happy and in love. It makes her heart full every time she sees them together. She did try her best to get through to Joyeuse as Merlin did, to no avail. Rose is glad everything worked out in the end, as she feels everyone has gotten their happy ending so far. She’s just waiting for the day they get married now. :)

Jello - He was honestly mildly intimidated by Red and his team at first, like with everyone he meets. The fact that Nami had tried to make him more comfortable and at ease immediately after meeting him, despite not even knowing him, made Jello relax a lot. The more he saw Red, the more reassured he grew until he grew just as comfortable with him as he is with Serena. It’s like he’s a whole new Goodra now.

Sunflower - Sunflower is also up there as a long running cheerleader for Red and Serena. She got all of the information about them both from Rose, and being the trusting Ampharos she is, was absolutely rooting for Red from the very start. She also really loves that he has an electric-type on his team too; hanging out with Spark is SO FUN to her. Sunflower doesn’t have the same level of emotional awareness that Rose holds, but she can also see how strong their love is and it makes her feel so happy.

Loire - Again, Loire is a Swampert that just loves people so much. She loves when people around her are happy! And Serena and Red are the picture of happiness when they’re together. Even when Red is gone for a bit and Serena is at home, or vice versa, Loire notices how smiley they both get when they get a message from one another, or when they hear the front door open. It’s just so adorable to her that a love so pure exists.

Bastion - Same hat as Loire. He LOVES people, even right off the bat. So Red coming into all of their lives was honestly perfect for him, because he also brought a team full of pokemon for him to be friends with. The house is a bonus because that makes people and pokemon happy. He’s always eager to give Red the best flowers he’s grown, and he also is sure to rope Red into gardening time with him and Serena. It just all feels like a big family to him and he loves it. Also, I hope Red doesn’t mind this big steel dino trying to lay across both him and Serena when they’re on the couch. :)

Hyperion - I feel like after Hyperion got past some initial wariness, they took an interest in Red! They definitely were able to tell that his strength was no joke, and I don’t doubt they wanted to analyze how he battles just to better understand his strategies. Hyperion is a very logic-driven being, hardly relying on any emotional aspects to get them through life. The idea of love is very foreign and strange to them, but they feel they better understand it when they see Red and Serena together.

Etamin - A cautious dragon that wasn’t sure what to think about Red at first, honestly. Seeing Serena be friendly and happy towards someone always helps Etamin ease into comfort better, as he looks to her to see how she reacts around someone. And of course, her reactions around Red are always positive. He can be extremely fierce when it comes to protecting people he cares about, and Red is on that list now. He will do what he can to keep him and Serena safe with the same level of ferocity as Joyeuse would.

Cerberus - Cerberus is very similar to Etamin, in that he will also look to Serena to see how she reacts to a person. Seeing her be relaxed around someone tells him that they aren’t a threat. He may have been a bit skittish towards Red in the very beginning, but the more he saw him and Serena interact together, the more at ease he felt. It also helped that he has a rescue pokemon of his own, and it makes him feel a little less alienated.

Calista - Calista didn’t trust him, nor did she mistrust him. She simply observed for the time being in the beginning, until she deemed Red was fine. She has a lot of eyes and ears everywhere she can rely on, and nothing she heard gave her a bad impression. Like Serena, Red will get the best trinkets she finds while she’s out, including expensive watches and jewelry people drop in the streets. Or a really cool rock. She saves all of the prettiest things for the people she likes.

Yveltal - Yveltal knew from the very start that Red would be so good for Serena. Seeing them together at the Hall of Origin made him so happy, even if he didn’t outwardly show it. The way they danced and talked together made it seem like they’d known each other for years. The level of comfort and trust between them was so clear to him from the start. He was more worried about them not getting together, because he had never seen someone make Serena smile so brightly. Yveltal is very happy that they’re happy together, and he knows their love is the kind that will last beyond their lives. Red is also someone that Yveltal will aid with no questions asked, and he will kill for him if the need arises.

[mediaevalmusereads]

My Friend Dahmer. By Derf Backderf. New York: Abrams ComicArts, 2012.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Genre: memoir, graphic novel

Part of a Series? No

Summary: In 1991, Jeffrey Dahmer — the most notorious serial killer since Jack the Ripper — seared himself into the American consciousness. To the public, Dahmer was a monster who committed unthinkable atrocities. To Derf Backderf, “Jeff” was a much more complex figure: a high school friend with whom he had shared classrooms, hallways, and car rides. In My Friend Dahmer, a haunting and original graphic novel, writer-artist Backderf creates a surprisingly sympathetic portrait of a disturbed young man struggling against the morbid urges emanating from the deep recesses of his psyche — a shy kid, a teenage alcoholic, and a goofball who never quite fit in with his classmates. With profound insight, what emerges is a Jeffrey Dahmer that few ever really knew, and one readers will never forget.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: ableism, allusions to animal harm/death, implication of murder

Overview: This graphic novel/memoir has been on my radar for a while, but I only recently picked it up for reasons I can’t quite articulate. I’m not sure what I was expecting - thrilling tale of teen psychosis, the makings of a depraved murderer, I don’t know. Perhaps my lack of concrete expectations served me well, since what I found in Backderf’s book was a sympathetic look at Jeffrey Dahmer as a teenager and all the warning signs that were ignored by the adults around him. In a way, it was a heartbreaking read. I don’t think Backderf was trying to excuse Dahmer’s crimes by showing that he only did it because he had a rough life. Rather, I think Backderf was trying to reconcile the “serial killer” Dahmer with the kid he actually knew in real life. For that, I’m giving this book 4 stars.

Writing/Art: Backderf’s art style is fairly “cartoony” in that it doesn’t try to have accurate proportions or imitate reality. Certain facial (or any anatomical) features are exaggerated and there’s a lot of heavy linework, which doesn’t quite communicate “horror” as one might expect about a tale about Jeffrey Dahmer. In a way, I think this works for the story Backderf is trying to tell: it almost seems absurd and grotesque that nothing was done to help Dahmer as a kid, and the art style embeds these feelings in the shapes and linework. One might also argue that the style almost seems juvenile (though it isn’t) and that quality enhances the fact that this story is being told through the eyes of a teenager.

Personally, though, Backderf’s style has never really been my aesthetic of choice, but that’s my personal preference and not a knock against the author/artist. If it works for you, that’s great.

In terms of narration, I liked that Backderf was honest about his impressions of Dahmer. At no point did he claim that he “always knew something was wrong about him,” nor did he seem to play up the proto-serial killer vibes. Instead, Backderf uses subtler, unsettling feelings that show something was “off” but not so “off” that they could have been expected to report Dahmer to the police or something. In a way, it’s fairly truthful and shows how sometimes, you can get a vibe off someone, but not really know what’s going on with them. It also reassured me that Backderf was writing not to somehow leech fame off of Dahmer (for whatever reason) but to work out his own emotions.

Plot: This graphic novel is divided into five parts, plus a prologue and epilogue, that each focus on certain aspects of Dahmer’s life. Part One establishes the setting and Dahmer’s home life; Part Two portrays Dahmer’s alcoholism and the rise of his darker urges, which he desperately tried to control; Part Three is about Dahmer’s relationship with Backderf and their antics at school; Part Four is about how the end of high school was a breaking point for Dahmer; and Part Five is a reflection on how Backderf and his friends left Dahmer behind and how that isolation allowed him to start killing.

I think the organization of these memories into separate sections worked well. Though they followed a loose chronology, I felt like each section had a theme or goal so that Dahmer’s story felt like it was progressing rather than just existing all at once. I appreciated the sympathetic lens that Backderf uses to tell his story; multiple times throughout the novel, he questions where the adults were and how it was easier to not make a fuss. I think, in doing this, Backderf communicates the difference in culture in the 1970s and avoids portraying himself and the literal kids around him as responsible for not stopping Dahmer.

The only thing that I think could have made this story a bit more “real” and grounded for me would be if Backderf had used more of Dahmer’s own words from interviews. To his credit, Backderf quotes Dahmer in a few places, such as the epilogue and at the beginning of Part One, but I think I would have liked to see Dahmer’s voice more often, or at least Backderf’s reactions to Dahmer’s voice more often. Backderf says in his author’s notes that his portrayal of Dahmer is constructed from his own memories and the memories of others who knew him, as well as from transcripts and recordings of interviews with Dahmer, but I wonder if more of Dahmer’s own voice could have been woven into the panels. To be fair, though, this book isn’t trying to illustrate Dahmer’s life from Dahmer’s point of view; it’s specifically a memoir about Backderf’s perception and relationship with him. But it would have been interesting, I think, to see if there was a disjoint between what Dahmer said about himself and what Backderf saw as a kid.

Characters: I hesitate to analyze the figures in this book as “characters” because they’re all real people. I don’t have the knowledge to determine if Backderf is “accurate” in his portrayal or not, but that wouldn’t be productive anyway, since the point of this book is to offer a perspective rather than an objective account.

Instead, I’ll use this space to communicate how certain figures come across to me as a reader. Dahmer is incredibly sympathetic, to an extent. Backderf does a good job of making him feel like an outcast and a loner at some moments and something of a lolcow at others, which seems consistent with accounts that state that Dahmer seemed to have friends but was actually very isolated. From these moments, I got the sense that Dahmer was suffering; rather than taking joy in his “perverse” urges, it felt like he did everything he could to suppress them until the only thing that kept him in check (high school social life) disappeared. As a whole, then, it seems like Dahmer was a kid in desperate need of help, but he didn’t live in a culture that could really do so. If that was Backderf’s goal, then he achieved it.

However, I do think Backderf toes a little too close to the line of portraying Dahmer as wholly sympathetic. To be fair, it’s a hard balance to strike - you want to condemn Dahmer’s later actions, but you also want to sympathize with the kid he was at the time before he started his killing spree. To address this, it might have been interesting to flash back and forth between Backderf’s high school memories and his impressions or emotions when learning about Dahmer’s crimes or arrest/trial, but I’m not sure if that would have been in line with what Backderf was trying to do. So, it’s just an idea.

Backderf and his friends come across as a little insensitive, but not in a malicious way. They never really clicked with Dahmer or considered him a friend, merely someone they occasionally hung out with and used for pranks (as in, they got Dahmer to pull pranks and laughed at his antics, they didn’t pull pranks on him). I don’t think I can fault Backderf for that - people aren’t obligated to connect with everyone, nor do I think its fair to ask why Backderf and his friends didn’t do anything. I did get the sense that there was some regret in Backderf’s account, perhaps some shame at the more tasteless things that passed as fun in the 1970s (making fun of people with cerebral palsy, doing a Hitler skit for the school variety show, etc. - some of this behavior is addressed in author’s notes). But I do think he communicated the divide between the world of teenagers and the world of adults, and how that kind of environment affected him and Dahmer differently.

TL;DR: My Friend Dahmer is a sympathetic account of Jeffrey Dahmer’s early life, told through the eyes of someone who knew him. Rather than thrilling readers with a proto-serial killer narrative, Backderf communicates how the environment of the 1970s prevented Dahmer from getting help, thereby showing how easy it was to miss the “warning signs.”

[doctorguilty]

alright here’s how I’d rewrite Infinite and ergo some of the plot points of the games story.. it  got long i got a little carried away lol........................ 

Infinite’s name probably isn’t that before he becomes a tool of destruction thing but I don’t care all that much to name him something else rn 

he also doesn’t have a sword because that’s really not necessary and I don’t know how to make that relevant at all 

forget the mercenary thing because it makes no sense that he was “hired” by eggman and that’s also boring. The jackal squad is a nomadic, robin hood type group that steals from bad folks to help other animal people villages in need 

to make character relationships.. matter a little bit more, OC is a long time childhood friend of Infinite and they still see one another a decent amount despite the jackals moving around

I don’t really care how or why the phantom ruby exists in fact I’m just realizing there’s a huge discontinuity because according to the COMIC it just.. existed arbitrarily like a chaos emerald, but according to the GAME it seems to be something Eggman fabricated, since there’s “prototypes” in play??? hm hm okay you know what I’m feeling ambitious let’s make both make sense. There is one true phantom ruby that exists, eggman finds it, where ever I don’t care. some legend about, this ruby can bring your ultimate fantasies to life! EXCEPT you need to have, idk, a good heart, a heart of gold, to use it and eggman doesnt have that so he can see the illusion of his empire but it wont become reality 

eggman thinks okay well, maybe if I fabricate copies of it I can make a version that will work, which I reckon doesn’t make them “prototypes’ anymore but just, copies, but close enough. however, they still don’t work 

now cut to jackal squad raiding eggman for his cool shit. maybe they catch wind about this whole “bring your fantasies to life” power and want to use it for good and they know eggmans vibes are rancid. in any case the jackals make off with a ruby (a FAKE one uh oh!) but not without infinite losing an eye and gaining one big unsightly scar from a fight w/ eggman and he’s like Shook about that but he’s like hm well at least I stopped that terrible guy from harnessing this power (oh no bitch u thought..) 

of course the jackals dont keep their spoils but WHO ever could be trusted with this legendary gem thing?!? oh none other than You, Original The Character, aka Infinite’s best friend .............. so he gives the ruby to OC and tells them like, idk allegedly this can make ur dreams come true but I don’t know how it works...oh my eye? yeah I sure used to have two of those but dont worry about it, anyway ttyl stay fresh  *saunters off, jackaly* 

because the fake!ruby is.. fake, it just seems to be a dud at first so OC just hangs onto it as a keepsake 

eggman, pissed about his shit getting stolen and worried what could be done with it sends robots out to hunt down infinite, kidnap him, and drag him back to eggman’s base and demand the fake!ruby back. infinite naturally refuses to tell him anything especially at the cost of putting OC in danger, so he’s like, blow it out your ass

eggman is like HAHA WELL U DUMB SHIT you stole a fake anyway and I have the real one right here.. he uses the ruby to suddenly spawn a bunch of robots and infinite braces himself for the attack... except they go right through him because they’re just illusions. eggman is like FUCK !! DAMMIT! WHY WONT THIS SHIT WORK!! Infinite uses eggman’s tantrum time to rush in to snatch the ruby. when infinite touches it as its in eggman’s hand, however, all the illusion robots become “real” (probably conveying this through effects/opacity), taking them both by surprise. infinite is unable to take the ruby before getting hit with a full force attack from a robot 

infinite is incapacitated and eggman grins,  like, inch resting...................... you seem to be able to make the ruby work... I will now use you for malicious purposes >:) (cut to black) 

NOW when Infinite is in the tube, 1) he already has his mask because the scene with him putting it on and monologueing about abandoning his old identity is unnecessary, it’s more symbolic here, 2) he’s amnesic and I know we did that with shadow already and I don’t mean to overuse it, but I think it works well enough in a different way for this story! Shadow had some fragments of memories and an identity crisis, but with Infinite, his memory is completely wiped (or perhaps suppressed?) and his only understanding of himself is that he was “created” to work for eggman. Even MORE importantly! the stakes are raised because of Infinite’s relationship to the OC--Infinite cannot remember them which makes attacking them a lot more heart wrenching ESPECIALLY when we get to a point where OC begins to recognize their brainwashed best friend using one of the (apparently) very same rubies given to OC to try to destroy them with

this also adds more tension to all the scenes where Infinite is taunting and threatening OC on a quite personal , rivalry-like level? Infinite would, over time, begin to get an inexplicable sense of familiarity with OC, which causes him to hesitate and hold back 

oh and as for the fake!ruby, OC does use it to defend himself just like the first time! it ends up being successfully activated because OC shows a strong will to protect the other civilians. if you haven’t caught on to my cheese, both OC and Infinite have hearts of gold and thats why they can use the rubies. eggman is cheating though by fusing Infinite to the ruby and using him as a proxy for his bad will..... and again, coming back to the cheese, Infinite’s heart cannot be changed and he is not truly “evil” so that’s like, how this is working 

I’m way too lazy to fix everything scene by scene because there’s also just SO MUCH wrong with all the other characters and plot but I’m just focusing on fixing Infinite and making him more interesting so I’m skipping to the end..  

I’m not entirely sure how I’d order the bosses and what I’d wanna do with the eggman robot phases  the whole things was a big mess............I kinda wanna go with what I THOUGHT was going to happen after beating up giant robot thing and then that squid robot breaks out??? and I thought it was going to be Infinite cause that would be much more dramatic? So lets go with that---When Eggman says like, well fuck infinite who needs him? i harnessed the power of the ruby into my robot, he means he literally trapped Infinite in it like, wired up and shit to use him like a power generator. fucked up. Infinite breaks out after that phase of the battle, and he’s like, in so much pain and glitched out on overclocked energy he cant even control what he’s doing.... commence TRUE final boss battle (it can still be a tagteam with sonic), and it’s sad and dramatic! OC pleads (or I reckon sonic, maybe the other heroes too since they talk during fights! like since OC doesnt talk) infinite to remember his true self because they dont want to destroy him 

once you’ve depleted his health bar, I’m going to go ahead and use the game’s weird addition of quicktime events to fuel more cheesiness (B/C THIS IS SONIC...WHY DID THEIR “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” MORAL END ON SUCH A BLAND, UNEMOTIONAL NOTE IN FORCES??? shadow didnt fall to his (alleged) death in sa2 for this..............) and you quicktime OC HUGGING Infinite, like jumping towards him and grabbing him in an embrace type of thing! and when OC makes contact with the ruby, it activates, making all the probably hostile glitchy  battle terrain or whatever dissipate, infinite stops being like.. idk lookin like he’s being electrocuted, and his mask fades away .. exposing Infinite as his true self once again 

the in between the lines intent here, again since OC doesn’t talk, is that OC’s fantasy was to bring Infinite back so they could be together again. you’re welcome to interpret that as romantic, or platonic, it doesn’t matter! it’s open ended! it’s just supposed to be cute!  

idk and then emotional stuff, I’m not entirely sure what it doesn’t really matter the idea is that Infinite is like, remorseful of what happened but everyone ofc forgives him because it’s not his fault , and then he joins up with with everyone to help fix the world! hmm I’m torn between Infinite keeping the true phantom ruby or giving it to the OC, like giving it to the OC makes sense, but for the sake of like, hypothetically bringing Infinite back in a future game and having special powers, it would be perfect if he kept it and that was his thing, he uses the power of virtual reality to help people and fight evil and whatever  

I dont know I guess there’s not a lot of sense in thinking too hard since I just remembered none of this is canon whatsoever and we’re probably not seeing Infinite again unless as a stock evil thing to beat up like metal sonic 8′) 

I have no idea who i wrote this for I guess myself! Idk if anyone else played forces or cares or w/e but! if you DO happen to be someone who read this and cares about it omg well like feel free to! comment and tell me what you think!!!  this was all very stream of thought

[kaialone]

Spirit Tracks Translation Comparison: Battle Atop the Demon Train

This will be a comparison of the original Japanese version and the US English localized version.

Specifically, this will cover the cutscenes before and after the battle with Malladus and Cole on top of the Demon Train.

You can also watch these cutscenes for yourself in English and Japanese. If you want, you can check out the EU English version, too.

For the comparison, the usual points apply:

Bolded is the original Japanese text, for the reference.

Bolded and italicized is my translation.

Italicized is the official NOA translation.

A (number) indicates that I have a specific comment to make on that part in the translation notes.

As you read this, please keep in mind that with translations like these, it’s important not to focus on the exact literal wordings, since there is no single “correct answer” when it comes to translations.

Rather than that, consider the actual information that is being conveyed, in which way, and why.

--

Characters in this part who had their names changed between versions:

Kimaroki = Cole, Mallador = Malladus

--

Before the Battle:

Zelda:

ここまでです キマロキ！ もう あなたの好きには させません！

This is as far as you go, Kimaroki! We will no longer let you do as you please!

You've gone far enough, Cole. This is where it ends.

Cole:

…言いましたよね？

私 あなた方に 言ったはずですよね？

魔王様の完全復活を 震えて 待っていなさいって…

それなのに わざわざ自分から 乗り込んでくるだなんて…

...I told you, did I not?

I most certainly did tell you, no?

I kindly asked you to tremble in fear as you wait for His Majesty's complete resurrection...

And in spite of that, you have the gall to force your way up here...  (1)

You again...

The Demon King's return is nigh, you know.

Yet, here you are, making a nuisance of yourselves!

Cole:

最近のガキは言いつけも満足に 守れねーのか？ あぁ！？

You brat can't even properly do as you're told anymore these days, huh?!

You insolent little fools!

Cole:

上等だ ガキ共！ てめえらに きっついオシオキをくれてやらぁ！

Well, bring it on, brats! You pests got a hefty dose of punishment coming your way!

It's time you received the punishment you deserve!

Cole:

さあ  魔王様 融合は もう完全です！！

Now, Your Majesty, the amalgamation has been completed!!

Your Majesty! Your resurrection is complete!

Cole:

……やっちゃってください！！

...Smash them, if you would!!

Please use your power to destroy these two!

Zelda:

…行きますよ！ リンク！！

...Here we go, Link!!

This is it, Link!

-

During the Battle:

Boss Title:

魔王マラドー

Demon King Mallador

Malladus

-

Zelda, when rats appear:

リンク！ 助けて！

Link! Help!

Help, Link!

-

Zelda, when rats are defeated:

ありがとう！ リンク！

Thank you, Link!

Thank you for saving me!

-

Zelda, when taken over:

リンク… 逃げて…

Link... Run...

You have to get away, Link!

-

Zelda, when restraining Malladus:

今です！ 光の弓矢で 貫いて！

Now! Pierce him with the Bow of Light!

Shoot Malladus with the Bow of Light now!

-

After the Battle:

Cole:

ま 魔王さま…

Y-Your Majesty...

Your Majesty...

Zelda:

に 逃がしません！ マラドー！

I... I am not letting you get away, Mallador!

You won't escape this time, Malladus!

Malladus:

ハナセッ! ハナセェッ！！

LET GO! LET GO OF ME!!  (2)

RELEASE ME!

Zelda:

リンク！ き 危険です！

Link! I-it is not safe here!

Link! Be careful!

Zelda:

わたしに構わずマラドーから 離れてください！

Please, do not mind me, just get away from Mallador!

Don't worry about me! Just get away from Malladus!

Translation Notes:

The phrase I adapted as “force your way up here” is 乗り込む/norikomu in Japanese, which can also mean “get on” or “board”, as in boarding a train. However, it can also refer to breaking in, or climbing on someplace by force. In this context, arguably both meanings could work.

In Japanese, Malladus uses no ひらがな/hiragana characters when speaking, only カタカナ/katakana and 漢字/kanji. This is a visual indicator that’s sometimes used for a character who speaks in a strange way, like for example sounding robotic, in-human, or even having a heavy accent. In Malladus’ case, it’s likely meant to invoke a very loud, booming voice.

--

Comparisons & Thoughts:

Since both of these cutscenes are especially short, I included the text from during the battle as well.

Like with his previous appearances, the biggest differences here come from the changes made to Cole’s character, so discussing those will make up the bulk of this section.

-

As we’ve seen in previous scenes, a big alteration to Cole’s character in the English localization is the fact that his habit of abruptly switching between talking formally and informally has been removed.

So of course, we get more examples of that here.

In the Japanese version, when Cole begins to talk in the pre-battle cutscene, he first starts with a slow build-up, speaking in a passive-aggressive, but still quite formal manner.

There is some rising tension here, as Cole goes on almost a bit too long for comfort, about something that obviously should make him angry, while still keeping up that faux-polite speaking style.

Then, he turns around suddenly, now clearly yelling, having switched to his crude and informal style again, adding some impact to this moment.

In the English version, there is much less of a contrast or change in the way Cole talks, as always.

The set-up of the scene itself, its movement and audio, still get some of the intended effect across. But from the perspective of the dialogue, it’s weaker.

They even shortened the build-up to the moment Cole snaps, lessening the tension.

It’s another example where the Japanese version uses Cole’s outbursts for dramatic effect, which in turn doesn’t quite have the same energy in the English version.

-

Continuing from the last point, there also things worth mentioning regarding the actual content of what Cole says here:

…I told you, did I not?

I most certainly did tell you, no?

I kindly asked you to tremble in fear as you wait for His Majesty’s complete resurrection…

And in spite of that, you have the gall to force your way up here…

You again…

The Demon King’s return is nigh, you know.

Yet, here you are, making a nuisance of yourselves!

In the Japanese version, Cole is specifically calling back to what he told our heroes at the end of their previous encounter: “Now please tremble in fear as you wait for that moment!!”

Meaning that Cole’s anger here is not just due to Zelda and Link getting in their way again, but also because his order was defied on purpose.

The English version has no such callback, even though they did adapt Cole’s line from back then fairly accurately as: “I would suggest you tremble in fear!”

I’m not sure if this connection just went unnoticed, or if it was omitted intentionally.

In any case, I think it’s a missed opportunity, since acting petty over this adds to Cole’s character, makes the individual cutscenes feel more connected, and they did have a good set-up for it in their version, too.

-

Next is the line Cole says right after.

It’s short, but I think the differences are kind of important:

You brat can’t even properly do as you’re told anymore these days, huh?!

You insolent little fools!

First of all, in Japanese, this line continues to show how Cole really is genuinely pissed off about the fact that his order was defied, as ridiculous as that is.

But it also goes a bit more personal.

Here, Cole again refers to Zelda as ガキ/gaki or “brat”, which he also called her when he revealed his true nature. And while singular/plural is usually ambiguous in Japanese, the context here makes it a lot more likely he is addressing Zelda specifically with this line.

Adding to that, we also see Cole express frustration at the fact that Zelda has stopped listening to him. And that’s a nice detail, serving as a reminder of the history between these two characters.

For years, Zelda grew up with Cole acting as an overly controlling, malicious authority figure, who was only raising her to use as a sacrifice one day, and thus tried his hardest to stomp every last bit of confidence and agency out of her.

And from what we can gather, she did act obedient to him for the longest time, until the recent events moved her into action.

So now Cole is not just facing some child that is about to throw a wrench in his plan, he is facing a child that he himself raised to never defy him like that, who has broken out of his control in a way he never thought she would be capable of.

By comparison, the English version feels a bit more generic, not really alluding to the personal history between Zelda and Cole as strongly.

It comes off more as your standard annoyance with meddling kids.

-

When Cole calls out to Malladus, in the Japanese version he says that the “amalgamation” is complete, rather than just the “resurrection” like in the English version.

This is referring to something that has come up occasionally, namely that Malladus basically has to completely “coalesce”, i.e. merge with Zelda’s body in order to make full use of it.

I’m assuming the English version changed this line to make it a bit simpler. The fact that Malladus is now fully accustomed to Zelda’s body is already evident from the context, so the exact details aren’t needed.

-

Another small detail about this line from Cole:

…Smash them, if you would!!

Please use your power to destroy these two!

As usual, the English version has Cole be more consistently fancy when he talks, but there is something funny about his line in Japanese here.

In this line, Cole mixes his different speaking styles in a kind of amusing manner.

He starts it off with the informal, almost childish やっちゃって/yachatte, but then ends it with the proper and polite ください/kudasai.

To me, it gives off the vibe that he is very giddy at the prospect of destroying these kids, but still manages to keep enough self-control to not accidentally insult Malladus by using an improper ending for a formal request.

Either way, it’s a fun little moment that plays with his odd speaking habits.

-

When the battle begins, the English version has the boss title simply read “Malladus”, rather than displaying his full title like the Japanese version does.

They did the same thing with Byrne’s battle earlier, so I already talked a bit about this.

Just like in that instance, I don’t know if I would consider Malladus a character who warrants having such a reference to the Ocarina of Time battle with Ganon.

I think Malladus’ battle here is probably a better choice than Byrne’s battle, but I still don’t feel that comparing him with Ocarina of Time’s Ganon like that works.

And even if it did, doing this reference twice in the same game makes it lose its impact.

If they really wanted to do this, they should have picked one of the two battles, rather than doing it for both.

-

Finally, Malladus gets to speak his first real words at the end of this battle.

In the translation notes I explained the unusual way his dialogue is written in Japanese.

As I mentioned there, I think in his case it’s likely supposed to show his voice feeling unnaturally loud and booming, like something you would expect from a powerful demonic being.

The English version seemingly adapts this here by writing his dialogue in all caps, which I think works well enough.

However, they’re not consistent about this, since they drop it the next time Malladus speaks.

As a result, Malladus’ English line here just seems like he’s simply yelling in hindsight, not like there is something inherently different about the way he sounds.

-

All in all, the localization in these cutscenes is another mixed bag for me, but different from the last part.

I think pretty much all of Zelda’s dialogue in this one was localized perfectly. The problem is that she only makes up about 30-40% of it.

Cole takes up the majority of the dialogue here, and while I normally think the English version’s take on him works well at being itself, in this scene it’s just not as good as the original.

In this part, we aren’t just dealing with his basic characterization being changed as usual, he also doesn’t have a comparable amount of energy in the English version.

Since this is the final direct confrontation with him, acting as somewhat of a climax to his dynamic with Zelda, it’s a bit of a disheartening note to end on from a localization perspective.

The English version’s take on Cole has his own style of splendor, and it would have been nice to see it utilized better in these cutscenes here.

But that’s the end of this part. Feel free to check out the next one!

--

< Previous Part | Start | Next Part >

--

[violyte64]

Star Crossed | Ch 1: Premonition

Death had no intention of making chance meetings that would end up changing the course of his life and so many others when he took a week off for himself. That's just how the universe--or in this case, universes--seem to work. He and the other Horsemen are left off all the better for it, for once. 

--

This is an adaptation of a role play between Darksiders characters and characters from @renegadereshiram‘s original verse. Reference material on the original verse content will be made available per chapter as it becomes relevant.

Original Verse Info

Solturion

El Torto

The Quasar Plaza is much more quiet tonight than it has been in the past, making it seem like one of the most peaceful places in the Beacon in spite of its neon lights and overall grandeur. The usual nighttime crowds that bustle from street to street, skyscraper to skyscraper, have all been cleared out. The only things present in the central plaza now are a taco truck, rows of picnic tables lined with food and drinks, and one Sun Devil in a messy apron and plastic sunglasses, sharpening one of his cooking knives while he hums a tune beneath his breath and waits for his guests to start arriving. 

The Carna Asa-Dude taco truck normally finds itself followed by long lines of hungry Cosments and plenty of publicity, and El Torto hardly minds the fame that his cooking has earned him, but it's no small part of him that's enjoying this peaceful change of pace. He’s content enough to work in the unnatural yellow light of the glow that emanates from his own stripes and the flame atop his head.

Torto looks up from the knife he's sharpening just in time to see a portal to the Valorous Arena opening up, and not a moment too soon--he was worried his tacos were going to start getting cold. He catches sight of Solturion all but sprinting through the rift to keep up with one of several guests—a tall, pale, long-haired scythe wielder who looks like he just lost a match and isn't too happy about it. Torto opens his arms wide to welcome the group of fighters and his friend alike, accompanying the gesture with a smile that's somehow even wider.

Even if Solturion was a little worried he'd lose track of one of the guests he'd been put in charge of overseeing for a second there, seeing Torto beckoning him forward with that classic stupid grin of his puts a smile on his own face to match it. Shame and hesitation alike are forgotten in this moment--it's been too long since he's seen his friend, and he intends to greet him as any Sun Devil should greet a brother they haven't seen in ages. Sol points his clawed finger towards Torto with a flair that's dramatic enough to make even the god he serves proud.

"IN THIS CORNER OF THE RING, WE GOT THE IMMOVABLE EL TORTOOOOO--!"

Torto catches onto what Sol is doing almost immediately, now pointing his sharpening rod at him with an equally dramatic gesture. "AND ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE, WE GOT THE UNSTOPPABLE SOLTURIONNNN!"

The two of them burst into laughter at that, already coming up to complete their greeting with one of Torto's world famous bear hugs. Sol doesn't really mind that he's being lifted off the ground, even if he is a little glad he's put down right after that. 

The vibes these two are giving off are even warmer than the fires burning both in and around their stardust-formed bodies. Coupled with the warm lighting, the good food, and the city lights, they're already shaping this dinner up to be something just right for taking the edge off of the gladiators coming through the portal.

"Guess I don't really need to introduce myself after that," Torto says with a laugh, still grinning like an idiot even when he faces the guests. He gestures to the picnic tables that have already been set with large plates of soft tacos, bowls of chips and queso, and plenty of margaritas for the tired and hungry fighters to fill up on. 

"What are you all standin' there for? Dig in! And don't worry about runnin' out--I'll be cookin' for as long as you're here."

Don't mind if Death does exactly that.

He picks out a spot for himself to sit, and doesn't hesitate to go for... what he can only assume are the tacos, since the other food items seem to be nachos, if what he's learned of Earth-style cuisine from Strife holds any water. Even if he came here to this interdimensional celebration without any intention of entering a gladiator arena challenge, he still took the opportunity when it presented itself, and his pride is a little damaged after the loss he just sustained. Now he intends to eat, drink, and avoid speaking to anyone, even if it's near impossible not to hear the nearby conversations as a result.

… Okay, this food is... actually impressive in its quality. Huh. It's a good thing he saved room.

That doesn't mean he's going to stop making attempts to eat it while faced away from anyone who'll immediately recognize him, though. He's certainly not going to waste time downing the drinks on offer. He's pretty much taking a gulp in between every bite and hoping it works despite his supernatural resistance to such things. It takes a strong drink to affect a Nephilim's body.

With the guests now occupied with eating, Sol and Torto walk back over to the counter of Torto's truck, where two tacos piled high with meat are waiting just for them both. The taller of the two Sun Devils reaches a little ways behind the counter and comes back with two beers, one of which he hands to Sol. They both clink them together before opening them and downing their first sip, opening the gateway for their conversation to begin. 

"Alright, spill it," Torto demands in a slightly quieter voice than the one he greeted the guests with. "Y'know I love seeing you, but renting out the whole goddamn plaza? That's bold, even for you." 

Sol nearly snorts as he bites into his taco, now swallowing his first bite a little quicker than he normally would for the sake of firing back. "This ain't bold, I just wanted to do somethin' nice for everyone! Varróne and Auriga have had almost every other part of this party locked down, so this--" he gestures to the rest of the plaza, "--is what I got to plan."

"That so?" Torto's sure that wrestling control of anything away from Auriga must have been no small feat, even just to hire him for a catering job. "Who am I to complain, then, if this is comin' outta Auriga's wallet and not yours?"

The laugh that gets out of Sol isn't one that he tries to hide.

"Yeah, that does make this a helluva lot easier."

"Y'know what also makes it easier?" Torto nudges Sol with his elbow, taking care to do it lightly enough that it doesn't spill his beer. "That you're not hirin' me out to impress a date this time! Before you told me this was for the party, I thought for sure I was gonna see another instance of you failin' to--"

"Hey, hey!" The shorter Sun Devil nudges him back with just a little more force and fury than he was nudged with. “Would it kill you t’let me forget about that?”

“I mean this lovingly, but yeah, it would.”

If Death was in a better mood, the exchange between those two might have gotten him to crack something resembling a smile. Not that he's trying to eavesdrop, but they're both very easy to hear.

"Whatever," Sol mutters as he bites into his taco again, but even having his mouth part of the way full doesn't make him fully drop the subject. "Least I don't use my own truck for dates!"

It's Torto's turn to laugh now, loud enough that he might turn a few heads, but he doesn't really care if a few people he's never met hear him or not.

"Alright, alright, you got a point. You know the truck brings in all the hot people, though." He downs another sip of his drink, now having polished off about three quarters of the bottle. Drinking doubles as his excuse to stall for a better comeback--a tactic that ends up working. "At least I'm gettin' dates, period." 

As mean as that might seem to someone else, Sol knows Torto well enough to know he doesn't mean that maliciously. He's too stubborn to admit it, but his brother is right. That doesn't mean he's down for the count yet, though. 

"You gotta actually keep a date for it t'count, dumbass! You and I are both just as screwed as the other."

"Well played, shortstack," Torto concedes, still smiling warmly in spite of the traded insults, "well played."

"Wh--I'm not fuckin' short!" the blue-flamed Sun Devil protests.

The pure genuineness of Sol's reaction to being called short, especially after the rest of all that, makes Death start to move on from his sour mood a bit faster. He actually has to raise his head and take a breath to hide his own amusement. He didn't know dinner included a show tonight, but he's not complaining. He moves on to his second margarita, and tries dipping one of the tacos into the queso.

By the Creator, this is good.

The Sun Devils are soon locked in a not-so-vicious duel that really just consists of Torto managing to cover Sol's entire face with just one of his hands to push him backwards, which lasts all the way up until Sol licks his palm. This, understandably, succeeds in making Torto recoil.

"Oh my Prime--How fuckin' old are you again?" Torto wipes his hand off on his apron to clean it, but he still manages to look amused.

Solturion crosses his arms and puffs up his chest, proud of his ill-gotten victory despite the means he used to obtain it. "As you and the other Suns like t'remind me, pretty young for a Champion!" 

Torto doesn't have a verbal response for that, but he does have a very large bottle of hand sanitizer behind the counter in his truck. Since Sol feels like being nasty, he's just going to have to counteract that by pointing the bottle at him and squirting him with a jet of the clear, chemical-scented liquid. 

Judging by how Sol hisses and recoils when it hits him dead in the chest, another point is going to Torto.

If Death were to keep up with what's going on with those two now, he would have to actually turn around and look instead of just listening. As entertaining as this is, though, he's doing everything within his ability not to laugh in any audible way, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise that he's going to miss a few details.

A few margaritas from now, though, he might be humming a different tune. He's on this third, and he's to the point of visibly tensing to stop any sound from leaving his throat. It doesn't stop his shoulders from shaking, though.

Perhaps sensing his master is in a better mood--or perhaps smelling the scents of the wonderful food available here--Dust arrives, landing on the edge of the table and folding in his wings. The crow tilts his head this way and that, regarding the food items with interest.

Sol was content to trade insults, but now he's been hit, so clearly there's only one path left for him to take--the path to war. Sol begins to bounce up and down in place with his fists raised, as if he's a boxer in a ring preparing for a match. Hopping in place seems to help his cyan-blue flames burn brighter and brighter the more he moves. 

"Alright, you want a brawl? I don't need a fuckin' arena t'make you eat that bottle of hand sanitizer!"

So their Sun Devil natures are going to be put on display in front of his tacos, are they? He's never one to turn down a good scrap, so Torto begins to mimic Sol's movements, though his are a little slower. "Bet! I'll make you the one doin' shots with it!"

With no regard for who's watching, Sol lunges for Torto, only to be grabbed by the horns and tossed a good ten feet away from the truck by his impromptu dueling partner. He lands gracefully on his hooves, so it seems Torto has only managed to piss him off. 

The stripes lining his body begin to glow a bright violet as he taps into his divine power, fully ready to draw Ultima's blades in the name of a brawl witnessed only by the patrons of a taco truck who are probably veering away from being sober. That light begins to gather at his hooves and travel upwards along the stripes criss-crossing his body, all the way until it reaches his eyes, tinting them the very same ultraviolet color that Ultima's shine with, making it seem for a moment as if the god himself is peering out of Sol's body...

...only for his pupils to flash white, and for his stance to go limp as something else takes a hold of him, stripping him of his vision. The plaza fades away to be replaced by a grainy, unfocused vision of rolling plains that can only be located in the Outer Rings. 

But the plains are not the focus of his vision. It's the unnatural crater left in front of him that has his full attention, and the lack of color surrounding it that makes his skin crawl—the lack of color that characterized the Antiprime’s influence in his reality. 

Something black in the center of the crater stirs, sluggishly at first. It struggles to push itself upright even with arms of multiple sizes extending out from its mangled body and trying to push it upwards. The figure is lined with gashes that glow with pale light too bright to look at directly. Whatever the creature in his vision is, it’s clearly hurt. 

The being falters, but gets itself right just enough for the eye in its chest to lock onto Sol, filling him with a chill so jarring that his body responds to it by jerking him out of the vision, almost as if in defense. 

When his vision clears again, Sol is crouched on the pavement, with Torto knelt down in front of him, frantically trying to wave his hand in front of his face to get his attention. He only stops once Sol’s eyes visibly focus on him again. 

“Sol—? Fuck, what’s the matter with you? Your eyes just went white!”

From his perspective, there was no change of scenery—only a friendly brawl dashed to pieces by watching his friend go limp under the influence of a power he hasn’t seen him invoke before.

… And the bird is gone again.

That doesn't sound like banter anymore. The Horseman half-turns to face the commotion, perhaps a bit more slowly than he might have a few drinks ago. He thinks for a moment his involvement may become warranted. It's mostly instinct, but something about that felt... off.

Sol blinks, unsure of how to handle whatever that just was, on top of Torto's panic. All he was trying to do was summon his blades, not ask for a hallucination he can't explain. He's not even sure if he should try to explain it. 

"Shit, uh...look, I'm fine." He forces himself to stand, but whatever he's just experienced seems to have taken its toll on him. Sol ends up swaying a little bit when he attempts to right himself, forcing him to grab onto Torto's arm for support. That's definitely not helping his case. "I think, uh, I mighta just stayed awake too long or somethin'." 

This has to have something to do with seeing a corpse yesterday morning, or with how he drank before that, or with how little sleep he's gotten beyond resting off his hangover...

Torto really doesn't know what to make of all of that either, but he knows it can't be good. "Man, I don't think you should be out here anymore. Y'want me to help you get back home?"

Embarrassed as he is to be in this mess now, he's still just a little too concerned to just shrug it off. Maybe Torto is right about him needing to head back to the temple...

"Yeah, uh...sure. Let's go." 

Torto turns back to the guests as he hooks his arm over Sol's shoulder, pulling him in so he can fly without expending too much effort on steering himself. His tone is much more stern than anything he's used thus far, but he's attempting to keep his worry out of it in front of them. 

"I'll be back in a bit. Don't mess with my truck while I'm gone." 

With that, flames glowing both blue and gold engulf their bodies, and Torto lifts Sol off of the ground, slowly easing the two of them into the air before taking off in the direction of the Ultraviolet Temple.

As bad of a first impression as some of the other hosts running this event have given him, that display between Sol and Torto does have Death a little concerned. At the same time, this isn't his business, and right now, he has no idea how he could help anyway. Meddling would be unwise, no matter how good his intentions or well-justified his worry may be.

He'll just... have to keep an eye out, if he's still sticking around after tonight.

[lostgirlrewatch]

1x08 - Vexed

Original Air Date: November 7, 2010

Written by: Michelle Lovretta

Directed by: John Fawcett

Okay, so. Vexed.

This is the original pilot. I don’t think they necessarily presented it as the first episode chronologically—more like, this is what you can expect from our show. Showcase picked it up and it went to series. Vexed became episode 1x08. You can find more info about it in this interview with Michelle Lovretta and Jay Firestone.

Anyway, this episode was shot earlier than the rest, and you can tell. Makeup and styling is different, and they hadn’t quite settled on the tone they eventually went with. As such, this episode is a bit grittier than normal. I find it interesting both for its different tone and for the fact that many of the decisions they made for the episode were made in the interest of selling the concept to Showcase.

This fucking article is great and is a much better review of this episode and why it’s so god damn good than my shit below. It also provides an extremely detailed look into...exactly what I just described above. All of the behind-the-scenes production stuff. Check it out.

The premise: Bo finds a lead on someone who might know about her mother--a falsely accused death row inmate named Lou Ann. Bo vows to prove her innocence in exchange for answers, but her quest leads her into contact with a vicious Dark Fae named Vex.

I do wonder if they wrote this episode without really knowing where it was going to fit into the first season, assuming they had an outline. It works as a standalone and in some ways it feels a little disjointed from what came before in episode 1x07, right from the beginning. Dyson coming right out and saying something so blunt as, “She’s never gonna love you,” feels a bit off to me. But then again, all the characters in this episode are a bit “off,” which is understandable. This episode is like…the prototype. The beta.

“No offense to my own kind, but humans are a little pedestrian now.” *awkwardly laughs* Right... “your kind”…haha you’re enslaved. Lauren are you okay.

“Once you go Fae you never go back, huh?”

“So I hear.”

Me:

Bo feels a little bit more aggressive to me in this episode, like when Siegfried mentions her mother and she wigs out. It’s her normal desperation plus a bit of added homicidal urges. She’s a slightly grittier Bo.

As we can observe from the opening sex scene between Bo and Dyson, this episode is a bit more sexually explicit than we’re used to. This, I am not super a fan of on a personal level. However, the episode is also more violent than usual and incorporates horror elements. This, I am super a fan of because that’s kind of my shit, and it’s something I wish they would have leaned a little bit more into in the rest of the series.

There is nothing I don’t love about this scene. The creepy opera music that sets the stage, the gourmet meal prep (those gourmet meals always end in murder).

(Am I the only one who loves this random little detail they plopped into the background?)

Vex’s entrance—not overly dramatic, just, boop, there he is. 

The tense build-up as we’re drawn to the knife, not sure where it’s gonna go—

--oh, oop, there it goes. 

We know what’s going to happen now, but we build up to it, agonizingly, anyway. Surely we’re not actually going to sit here and watch as he shoves his hand into the disposal and then keep watching as he turns it on and it grinds his hand up. Oh, but we are.

Some scenes have a way of sticking with ya.

So I guess even the Lost Girl universe isn’t all camp and games. People are still people. Especially when they’re ancient as fuck and have all that time to stew in the cesspool of their fucked up emotional and psychological issues. So divorced are they from the concept of mortality, growing up and growing old, that their maturity level laps itself and becomes immaturity—they tend to to behave like children. 

Not all Dark Fae are curmudgeonly, innocuous old grandpas who own restaurants or absolute Queens like the Morrigan. Some of them are like Vex. And just like, fuckin murder people—and each other. Vex’s world is different than Bo’s world. Vex lives in a world where violence is mundane. Empathy is nonexistent and pointless anyhow. Sometimes I wonder if immortal characters are drawn to violence and death because it’s as close as they can get to experiencing a sort of vicarious mortality.

I love Vex’s character throughout the series—up to a certain point—but I love him best in this, his original episode. In later episodes, Vex is portrayed as a sort of morally ambiguous anti-hero, or anti-villain, whichever you prefer. I have mixed feelings on how well the transition from villain to anti-hero is handled. The farther along you get in the series, the more he becomes reduced to a shell of his former self, purely comic relief, and just…sucks.

But in 1x08, Vex is a villain. Straight up. The things that he does are horrifying and the show does not bother trying to get you to empathize with him. And to be clear, this does not mean that he is not a multi-dimensional character, that he isn’t worthy of empathy, or that he is pure evil. What it does mean is the show does something I wish more shows would do. It creates a genuinely threatening and reprehensible villain that is both worthy of your analysis, even your stanning (I stan), and yet whose actions are still inexcusable.

In that interest, let’s talk about him. At this point, his most defining characteristic, the simplest way we can begin to understand his motives, is that he utterly lacks empathy. Vex is the kind of person who would puppeteer a woman and force her to drown her own children. 

He is ordered to kill this woman’s family as punishment for betraying the Dark Fae’s rules. And in this episode, Vex is shown to be someone who rigidly follows the Dark Fae’s orders without question, and without any particular investment in them either. But he doesn’t just kill the kids—he uses his powers to force the mother to do it. To drown them. For no real reason other than his own amusement. That’s another level of sadistic. For a less intense example, in his introduction scene, he gruesomely tortures Siegfried before killing him. Just for funsies. (Well, okay, and to get information.) Vex lacks empathy, clearly, and may scan as a sociopath, but he’s not a stoic one. He gets enjoyment out of tormenting his victims.

Is this the kind of guy the writers are going to try to later convince us is a harmless comic relief mascot? Surely n—

Yes. Yes he is.

I am not at all opposed to the idea of Vex slowly becoming a morally ambiguous anti-villain, even a member of the gang. In fact, I think that premise is interesting as hell. But what I feel like happens later is that the show kind of forgets that Vex did all this horrible shit in the past. Kinda brushes it under the rug. Not only does this make it a lot harder for me to get behind him becoming one of the gang, it also does the character himself a great disservice. I’ll probably get into this more once Vex starts showing up more frequently, and why I feel the writers mishandle him.

To be clear, in spite of how sadistic he is, Vex is not a malicious person. He doesn’t have any enmity for the people he’s ordered to kill. He’s not angry, not hateful, not spiteful. He just doesn’t really care. He’s almost a kind of nihilist. None of it really matters. Somebody who thinks like that would have a fairly breezy time killing people.

Because I like when in-universe politics make things complicated, I like that the in-universe politics of the Light and Dark Fae makes things complicated. Bo wants to free Lou Ann, and she wants the Light Fae’s help, but they can’t help her because it would mean basically declaring war on the Dark Fae. MAJOR no-no. Likewise, they can’t go after Vex because all of his actions are sanctioned by the Dark Fae’s government. Bo’s unalignment gives her freedom, but it’s not without its downsides. She has no influence and no resources when things get too big for her to handle.

“Smells like fried bitch.” An icon. If I remember correctly from one of the behind-the-scenes features, they brainstormed and tested out a bunch of different one-liners to use for this moment, until Ksenia Solo ad-libbed this.

Lol. Kenzi is just so done with Bo and Dyson’s drama.

Lou Ann, the Fae woman who is on death row for killing her kids, obviously strikes a nerve with Bo. 

It’s kinda weird, because when we first meet her, Bo’s main motivation is that she wants to be able to live her life without being forced to kill others and stay on the run to do so. Those problems kinda get solved in the first episode. 

Since then, her motivation has been to live her life without these big mysterious Fae governments telling her what to do. In the first episode, Bo, like Lou Ann, says that she chooses humans. Bo was raised human and wants a normal human life, or as normal as she can get. At the same time, most of the other characters on the show, including her friends, spend a lot of time trying to convince her to embrace her Fae identity and a Fae lifestyle, because it’s “who she is” and she has no choice but to embrace that. “Choice” is a keyword that gets thrown around a lot in this show. But what is the show really trying to say about it? There’s some kind of nature vs. nurture conflict going on here, and I don’t feel like either Bo or the show itself has really decided on which side of the line they fall. On another note, this show has huge Fuck the System vibes. Which I appreciate. We stan an icon who chooses to reject a static, repressive, harmful system even at great personal cost.

A few episodes ago, Bo and Lauren went on a mission together and cemented their bond of trust. In this scene, Lauren breaks that trust. 

She sleeps with Bo to distract her from going after Vex, under the pretense that it is simply the culmination of them both being attracted to one another. The next morning, it doesn’t take long for Bo to figure this out. She is appropriately hurt. She has feelings for Lauren, there was an intimacy there, and she trusted her in a way that she doesn’t normally trust other people, because of her past. Lauren took advantage of her feelings and used her. Whether Lauren wanted to do it or not, whether she had any way of refusing, isn’t relevant in this moment; it was cruel regardless.

But what does Lauren say?

“I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Oop. There it is. There’s the Lauren I remember.

She hasn’t done anything wrong, y’all. Well, I’ll be damned. Lauren never did anything wrong ever in her life. *Lauren did nothing wrong meme*

The way Lauren says this line, with so much conviction, makes me feel like she genuinely believes it. She believes that she did nothing wrong. She is legitimately deluded about what just happened.

This is only the first in what I remember to be a very long string of instances where Lauren pushes blame onto others and denies any culpability in her shitty actions. At least, in this case, Bo isn’t buying it.

Waiting for Bo in the most extra-ass, goth, flamboyant setup possible is exactly the kind of quality villainy I expect from Vex.

It’s criminal that Bo never gets to use this awesome sword.

And…I love that Vex just gets to walk out of there, laughing. Because the system. And he’s not even really evil. He’s just a sadistic asshole. With a job. It’s. *chef’s kiss*

[mitcheemarns]

83. “If you want me, come and get me, motherfuckers.” (boeser and pettersson) kinda has a pissed brock defending petey vibe lol

disclaimer: this is a scarlet letter au! because im stupid! and i have no ideas or originality! 

in this universe, people are very homophobic and it is outrightly viewed as a sin. there are no specifics in which there are derogatory terms used. however, there is a confrontational scene where homophobia leads to violence. (the violence is just swearing, but there are no derogatory terms used such as the f word.)

im sorry. but have the scarlet letter au :)

Elias is new to New England. He cannot deny that. The colony is chafing and restrictive, nothing like the wondrous sanctuary that his mother and father once thought it was supposed to be. The climate is harsh, probably not as harsh as Sweden, and the people are stifling. The land and surrounding vegetation are telling of the colony’s future, with its powdery and infertile soil and a multitude of weeds sprung up throughout the area. It will be bleak and miserable. It was nothing like what his parents intended. 

At first, New England seemed to be an adventure worth living to experience. The settlers had convinced his family with bold fantasies of a life away from claustrophobic Europe to a place where a new community was to be made; a new religion, a new society, a new start. His parents had believed it, and so had he. 

The journey there had been rough; the toiling ocean had been an angry god. The waves had crashed upon their ship ceaselessly, ramming upon the oaken wood with the harsh force of a thousand bulls. They had lost a large portion of their people—their, Elias laughs to himself, he cannot believe he thinks he is a part of this colony—, including his parents and his brother. 

Elias was no stranger to death. It seemed to follow him like an evil fiend, one that was ready to take from him everything except his own life. 

But even after his family’s passing, he thinks he would have been able to push on and make a living for himself. Yes, he definitely could have lived in this New England society, if only it were not for the mindset of the people. If only he had not journeyed with this specific group of people. If only…

_________

“This boy! This—this wretched wisp of a sinner! How dare he trample upon our consecrated soil that we have just come to bless with our settlement?” a woman exclaimed haughtily, standing near the makeshift scaffold. Her face was wrinkled in an unattractive manner, the shadows draping across the creases in her skin and creating harsh concavity to her visage. 

“And with another man!” another woman gasped, her eyes filled with anger and fear. 

“Now, now, he wasn’t ever part of our community. Remember, he came to us with his parents from Sweden. We can all discern what type of people are born and bred in those areas.” The woman who made this comment seemed to be wiser, yet her wisdom seemed to strangle its receivers rather than placate and inspire them. 

“The nerve for him not to reveal the identity of the other sinner. He should be thankful that the punishment wasn’t dictated to be harsher,” one of the older women huffed, still managing to maintain an air of dignity about her despite the repulsion she felt.

“Hush, ladies! Are we not women of proper breeding and state? We shouldn’t bow down to the boy’s level and consecrate ourselves. Look! Here he comes!” The young woman who spoke pointed her finger at the prison door, which had been pushed open to make way for the young man. She held her child in her arms as the group of spectators diverted their piercing gaze to the iron door.

The young man walked out with disdain in his footsteps. His gaze was cool and sharp, surveying the rest of the community with ice in his light, blue eyes. He was tall and lanky in a way that introduced a sense of elegance to the people who laid eyes on his figure. It could be seen that he came from a line of high standing, not necessarily in royalty but certainly in human nature. 

“He thinks he’s better than us!” the first woman shrieked again, holding an affronted hand to her chest. 

The young man, having climbed up the stairs to the scaffold just then, turned his long neck and stared into the eyes of the woman who had shrieked the statement aloud. His gaze instilled fear into the woman’s heart; a type of fear that seemed to pierce all the way into the marrow of her bones. She averted his gaze, instead focusing on the black letter S that had been inked into the centre of his chest. 

The young man’s gaze followed the woman’s down to the mark marring his skin. The action seemed to shake the man up, as he clenched his jaw and whipped his head away from the group of women, leaving the first woman to smirk inwardly. 

Elias seemed to have no place in this godforsaken community.

_________

When Elias is rid of the stupid criminal sentence that the community forces him to endure, he moves to a cabin near the sea. It’s a nice, cozy place close enough to hear the waves crashing against the rocky cliffs. Most days, the seagulls cry out and keep Elias company. It’s pretty lonely, but at least it’s a place where he doesn’t have to suffer under the scrutiny of the community.

In Sweden, he had aspired to be an artist, because he was the second child and his family were supportive. But here, in this small, close-minded society, there was no place for frivolous pleasures like art. So, Elias sets out to find a job that maybe he’ll be able to hold for a while so he doesn’t starve and die. 

He ends up working as a carpenter under a man named “Bo”. Bo is his saviour. Bo doesn’t mind Elias’s sin or the letter upon his clavicle or the fact that he slept with a man. Bo helps Elias when he struggles, often sending him home with extra food that would have gone bad if Elias hadn’t taken it or giving him an advancement on his pay because Bo just “felt like it”. Not to mention that Bo lets him paint on the walls, when they work on a religious or decorative building, sometimes instead of calling for another specialized worker.

Elias thinks he might’ve fallen in love with Bo if he hadn’t met Him.

Elias thinks he might’ve left New England if it wasn’t for Him. Or else, why would he take the shitty ostracizing from the community?

_________

“Come ‘ere fellas, look who we have here,” a man calls out, “the sinner himself. In the flesh.”

Elias groans inwardly and glares, huddling into himself. 

“It’s him, huh? Didn’t your mom teach you to stay clear from unsafe places? Oh, that’s right, you don’t have one anymore,” the second man laughs, his features twisted from the malicious smile on his face. 

Elias grits his teeth and clenches his fists. To a spectator, it only seems that Elias’s glare has become a touch deadlier. “Time for some new jokes. They are not funny.”

The first man has the audacity to laugh, further tormenting Elias. “You wanna go, foreign boy? What a shitty accent, don’t you think?” He nudges his partner. 

“Oh yeah, just hearing it pisses me off.” 

The first man smirks. “Took the words right outta my mouth! Think we gotta dispel our anger somehow, yeah?”

“Fuck yeah,” the second man chuckles darkly. 

They stalk toward Elias with malice, fists balled up and muscles bulging in their arms. Elias backs away, sweat beading from his hairline. He doesn’t want to seem like a coward, but there is no way he can take one of these guys, let alone two. 

There’s a rush of adrenaline in Elias’s veins. He’s about to run.

Another pair of footsteps thud across the soiled ground. The two men turn their heads toward the unknown personage. 

“Brock!” the second man exclaims happily. “Glad you’re here. I thought it was someone else and it scared the shit out of me.”

Brock stops, his eyes surveying the situation. He freezes entirely when his gaze catches sight of Elias, his body still tense and prepared to flee. Brock’s eyes soften just a little before his mask is put on again. 

“Yeah. What are you two doing?” he asks.

“Nothing much, just teaching the sinner a lesson. You wanna join?” the first man laughs. 

A brief flash moves across Brock’s eyes. The two men wouldn’t be able to catch it, but Elias it does. The emotion brings more fear to Elias than the two men do. Elias shakes his head vehemently at Brock, pleading him silently. 

Brock smirks back at Elias, making Elias’s heart thump, before shaking his head slightly to placate him. Don’t worry. It’s time I do this.

“Why are you guys bothering him, though? Pretty fucking dumb if you ask me,” Brock scoffs, crossing his arms. 

The expressions on the two men’s faces change from surprise to confusion to anger. 

“You calling us dumb?” the second man speaks up.

“You better not be starting shit, Boeser. Your dad won’t get you out of trouble all the time, you little bitch,” the first man sneers. 

The muscles in Brock’s arms bulge through his clothing. “You think I need my dad to get me out of trouble? Fucking idiots. If you want me, come and get me, motherfuckers.”

Elias can only watch in horror as the two men swing their fists in Brock’s direction.

[psychicninja90]

As I feel the hate for Chloe growing, I feel the need to defend her. Frankly, I’m disappointed, but not surprised that there are people in the fandom who adamantly think the worst of her for season 4. If you don’t like her character, that’s fine and valid. Some people don’t vibe with certain characters and I respect that. But I don’t respect the lambasting of a character based off of falsehoods and unfair expectations and assumptions. So here I am to defend my bad*ss miracle detective.

SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE

First there’s the idea that she’s just pretending to be okay.

Well yeah of course she is.

Here’s a list of what happened to her the 5 days before the Devil Reveal and her month of radio silence:

Her boyfriend broke up with her after she was about to open up to him.

The man she loves and her ex fought over her.

Lucifer broke her heart. Again.

Her ex proposed to her and she accepted.

She broke things off with her fiancé.

Lucifer was acting weird and ended up hurting her.

Lucifer finally told her he has feelings for her.

She and Lucifer kissed.

Her friend was found murdered.

She found out said friend was murdered by ex.

She learned that her friend died because she had discovered and was compiling evidence that her ex was a crime boss.

Ex/crime boss/boss threatened to kill her and Lucifer while they were surrounded by gunmen.

She was shot after having shot her ex.

She heard gunshots and feared for Lucifer’s life.

When she arrived she found Lucifer crouching over the dead body of her ex.

That’s—that’s a lot.

And then she saw Lucifer’s Devil face.

Thereby she learned that she had been working with the Devil for years, allowed him in her house, near her child; that she had kissed the Devil twice; that she is in love with the Devil.

Even though she was an atheist she still grew up with the stories of the Devil. Those stories have cultural significance whether or not you are beholden to them. There is a reason that the Devil and demons are so often the big bad in horror. It’s the fear of the Darkness that will take everything and everyone you love and know and tear it apart. It’s normal for her to panic.

In fact I would’ve been confused if she hadn’t freaked out. That’s all a lot to take in and unpack. And after all the manipulations and lies from Cain, it’s normal for her to wonder if she’s been dealing with the same from Lucifer.

If that's even the reason.

That’s the thing: we don't know why she's struggling or what her thoughts are. Maybe it's because of all the trauma she's been through beforehand. Maybe it's because she's in love with an ancient powerful immortal being and she's afraid she can't measure up. Maybe it’s because it’s difficult to wrap one’s head that the universe is so much bigger than originally thought.

I’m a Christian and if one day someone was like “yeah I’m an angel or whatever” I would be like “haha funny”, but then they proved it, I would become catatonic. Imagine that person is your best friend. Imagine they are the love of your life.

More in defense of Chloe Decker to come...

More in defense of Chloe Decker coming soon...

More to come in defense of Chloe Decker...

Imagine that someone being your best friend. Imagine that someone being the

love of your life. Everything would change about your perception of reality along with your relationship with that person. Of course she isn’t okay. But maybe she wants to be.

More to come in defense of Chloe Decker...

But what about Linda or Charlotte? Linda was not in love with him. She had not just experienced a boat load of trauma. And she had a bit of a warning from Lucifer. Charlotte had been in Hell and thought she was crazy and so was relieved when she learned it was all true.

Chloe, as I’ve explained, has had a much different experience. She was blindsided.

So although she may be better than she had been, it’s totally normal that she is not yet okay.

But maybe she wants to be so that’s why she came back. Maybe she missed him. Maybe she was afraid that he would give her the most space he could give by leaving the Earth. Maybe she realized that she couldn’t figure this out on her own because the guy she’d been talking to was confusing her. Or worrying her. Maybe she was scared that the priest was going to hurt him so she wanted to get back to protect Lucifer.

Those reasons are more plausible than Chloe suddenly hating Lucifer and wanting him back in Hell. After 3 seasons of her being a steadfast, loyal, and morally upright albeit imperfect person, why assume she has an ulterior motive?

Could she be manipulated again? It’s possible. Will that happen? I don’t know. But again if this does happen, it’s obviously from manipulation. It is not in Chloe’s character to betray Lucifer. She knows his heart and soul. Joe has literally said this and everything from the past 3 seasons has shown this.

It’s not fair to deride her based on incomplete information. In particular this speculation that she was spiking his drink.

To that I say: Was she? Was it his drink? Where was she? When was this taking place? It also looks like she’s lighting the candle and knocked over the glass. That clip is one second of a 6 second video with no context.

The only thing we KNOW is that Chloe would never betray Lucifer even if she is still freaked out. And we KNOW that her drugging Lucifer would be the deaths of Deckerstar, their partnership, and friendship.

Lucifer sees her as only good and as someone who would never intentionally hurt him. He would never trust her or work with her again if Chloe did something like drug him/take away his free will. And as we can see from the trailer they’re still working together throughout the season.

The show runners have said that Deckerstar is on the rise. Lauren and Joe said that Chloe is in love with him. Lauren said that her guess of Chloe’s reaction (her loving and supporting him, but still being scared) is in line with what they show in season 4. Previewers have been happy with the s4 Deckerstar storyline (even though it’s painful). Ildy said that instead of the return of the bullet necklace there will be something even better. How can that happen and how can any of that be true if Chloe is going to willfully and maliciously work against Lucifer?

The cast and showrunners have all said that Deckerstar is the heartbeat of the show. Therefore if they utterly destroy Deckerstar, they destroy the show. Even if you don’t ship them, an obliterated Deckerstar wouldn’t work since the show is about the crimesolving Devil and Detective duo. The narrative hinges on them being together in some way. It’s been like that from the start.

The episodes haven’t even dropped yet and people are assuming that Chloe is going to be on the side of the big bad. Or people are angry that she’s still freaked out by the whole cosmic shift she’s just experienced. She’s confused about all the stuff that she’s just learned (and frankly probably overwhelmed by what she doesn’t know), so please give her a break. We’ve known he was the Devil since the start. She just found out.

So please give Chloe a freaking break. She’s been through a lot.

[staytheb]

Like Oh 2.0 - [EPILOGUE] 7 For 7

Previous Chapter: We Under the Moonlight Word Count: 5,208 Summary: It’s the year 2021 now and life’s a little different for both couples as their relationship is officially known.

Like Oh 2.0 masterlist

hello! it’s here. the last chapter just before the 2019 year ends. so the ending got a little revamp from it’s original posting and i’m quite happy with it as it reflects a little more of what happened in those years. but still it’s all fanfiction and just for fun. anyways, i had fun revising this and hope that i can write another long chapter fic in the future. other than that, thanks for being on this journey with me and happy reading and kthxbai, Admin Lia~

January 16, 2021. 00:00AM

It's another joyous year for AHGASEs out there! All the baby birds around the world have come together to celebrate and trend another year for GOT7 in the K-Pop industry! GOT7 and the fans alike are celebrating the group's seventh year with the hashtag #Happy7For7GOT7Day, but it is also to celebrate their departure from their former agency, JYP Entertainment. There were lots of speculations about what would happened with all of the members last year and finally it has been all settled out with good terms, especially for the seven members. All the members decided not to renew their contracts with JYP Entertainment and have left the company as a whole shortly afterwards. They will be resuming activities once everything is in order. Anyways, like other groups before them, GOT7 instead had established their own entertainment some time after and would be independently managing themselves under JJAI Entertainment.

The hashtag along with several others have been trending worldwide within four hours and continues to gain lots of love and attention from fans and non-fans alike. GOT7 has surely broken the seven year curse that most K-Pop groups goes through that ends their reign with one another. Still GOT7 is really showing that they can withstand it all as they wish for many more years with one another and to start a new journey as well. Despite all that has happened over the course of their years in the industry, GOT7 is seriously still going strong and AHGASE is definitely going strong alongside them. Anyways, Happy 7th anniversary GOT7! Please head on over to their newly created official twitter and instagram accounts to wish the group a happy seventh year anniversary if you haven't done it yet! Also, please me mindful of your words and only send good thoughts and vibes their way!

~~~~~~~

January 17, 2021. 00:26AM

BREAKING NEWS!

This is just in! Everybody is totally buzzing about it! GOT7 have just recently celebrated their seventh year in the K-Pop music industry with their fan-club, AHGASEs, just yesterday. Although it's barely been a day it seems that the group have something else to celebrate as well for two of its members. In particular it's concerning the two eldest members, Jaebeom and Mark. The two GOT7's members have released official statements from their agency about their personal love life. JJAI Entertainment has revealed that both Mark and Jaebeom have been in a secret relationship since two-thousand and seventeen and decided that now was the right time to announce their relationship status to the world. Both idols have asked for the public, the fans, and everyone else to respect the privacy of their loved ones. If any malicious comments or actions occur, then the idols will not hesitate to take legal action to protect themeselves and their loved ones.

We were able to investigate further without stooping low to get our information and it seems that Mark and his now wife have officially tied the knot just a few weeks back in December on the twelfth of Saturday. The wedding's theme was a Winter Wonderland fantasy of sorts and the ceremony was a small and private one that was held in Los Angeles accompanied by their immediate family, close friends, and a very few selected celebrities who were able to attend the special event. Our reports also states that the couple also has a two-year-old son by the name of Philip. As for Jaebeom, our informant says he just recently proposed to his girlfriend a few days before his own birthday. The couple also has a one-year-old daughter by the name of Alice.

Reactions to the news have been positive, negative, and others left in-between of the two. Many fans are thrilled and wished to hopefully see who these lucky ladies are as well as how the children may look like. Many of them couldn't believe that there are little GOT7 minis running around now. Other fans have voiced out their opinions of being lied to and that the idols shouldn't have waited this long to revealed such big news. Or well more like being in a secret relationship at all as it seemed there's some misunderstanding about a betrayal of being faithful to one another. For the neutral ones some have left comments that it's their life and to leave them alone because they can live it however they like and that the fans do not own them one way or another.

Either way, the best thing about it is that the positive vibes are winning out as fans and non-fans alike are totally wishing for happiness for both couples and that their privacy would remain drama-free as much as possible. Plus, we wanna respect our idols, right? They're just as much as human as we are despite the path they have chosen for their careers. Much so, we also wish the same for the respect that they deserve as the idol life isn't all that what it's cracked up to be. Sure they may have chosen it and knew the consequences, but still there's a need of respect and a boundary, right? Anyways, on behalf of all us here at K-Wave News, we're wishing the couples good vibes along with their little ones and hope nothing but happiness their way!

~~~~~~~

January 17, 2021. 03:57AM

MAJOR UPDATED BREAKING NEWS!

O-M-G! This is just in! I repeat. This is just in. Let the spazzing continue! All the more positive vibes going in with the new 2021 year! Yay!

Although it's only been a few hours since our last update, but we've been notified that both Jaebeom and Mark have uploaded a few things onto their Instagram accounts about their new immediate family from our lovely readers. The boys have just made their account public after having been privated since two years ago. Each upload has already received over two thousand likes, comments, reactions, and the numbers continue to soar despite some not so nice comments making in it as well. It also seems that many AHGASEs are supporting both couples and trying to encourage others to spread more love than hate and even gaining help from other fandoms as well to do so. It's a lovely gesture because these updates are seriously too cute to not love! If you're a hater, then please move on and go and focus on something else. There's no need for any hate whatsoever. Love and peace y'all!

Anyways, Jaebeom has uploaded three images to his account. The first image of the three that he'd shared shows his daughter, Alice, playing with his many adorable cats! The caption that was uploaded with the image reads something along the lines of, 'she loves them more than me TT_TT'. It's safe to say that the cats belong to her now. Ha. The second one is of the idol dad himself holding his daughter who smiles just as brightly as he does. She is honestly way too cute! Baby Alice really takes up after her father as we can spot some faint eye moles on the same side as her father. Of course we're sure the mother is just as beautiful and hope to see her in the future!

Anyhow, Jaebeom has captioned this photo with 'seeing her smile really brightens up my mood'. The last picture is a candid photo of the idol's fiancée eating a green colored macaron ice cream although her face is obscure and no clear view of how she may exactly look like. Maybe he got caught or he just wanted to tease us. Because we all know how much of a great photographer Jaebeom is, right?! So, we better get a clearer image in the future! So yeah, moving on, the caption for this image reads, 'Fate was the green tea macaron ice cream, but Destiny was all her in choosing to be a part of my life <3'. We're sure there's definitely a deeper story behind this and hope to find out in the near future if ever! Just didn't think we'll be able to witness this side of GOT7's leader in this lifetime. We hope we get more!

Now the next taken member, Mark! The oldest of the group and kind of makes sense for him to settle, right? No? Whatever. Moving on. The idol has shared a video and two pictures to his account. The one minute video clip is of the adorable baby, Philip, as he cutely speaks in several languages! He counts up to the number five in English, Korean, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, and even Spanish. Wow. What a genuis child he may be because he's two and I'm totally jealous as I can barely even count in English alone and I barely passed Gerrman in high school. Enough of me, does this mean that the mother knows Spanish and Thai as we all know that Mark doesn't. Ha. Still, there's a pretty high chance the other members could be teaching little Philip too. Lucky guy. Total free language instructors right there.

Anywho, again moving along. The first photo shared seems like a candid shot of his lovely wife smiling and laughing, but Mark got caught or something in the process as she partially blocks her face with one hand while the other hand is used to try and move the device away. It's captioned with 'Always too easy to teased' and several laughing emojis. It's good to know that we're not the only one that has to put up with Mark's antics. Still, who knows how many times she has to put up with him compare to us fans, right? Haha. As for the other picture it's of baby Philip again. This time it shows the child happily smiling while holding the fluffy poodle, Milo, in his loving arms. Mark has captioned the image with, 'I feel like they don't need me anymore when they have each other TvT'. I mean, I don't disagree. I would, too if I was in the same boat.

So what do y'all think? I think it's fantastic. From these latest updates it surely appears that both couples are happy with their lives along with the happiness of their adorable children being total cuteness! Now that the male idols have revealed their actual relationship status to the world and the fans, it seems like that they aren't afraid to share some of those moments with others virtually as well. Still there's no information on the two females the two idols are with and no one else revealing anything else. Like, we don't know their names. We don't know if they were previous AHGASEs or maybe part of some other fandoms before meeting Mark and Jaebeom. Like we don't know anything about them, to be completely freaking honest. Some have gone and done some searching, but it's quite surprisingly nonexistence. Which is kind of surprising as we know a lot of netizens are good at searching up stuff and spreading it around. Right?

So far, all we know is that it's a possibility the two ladies were already friends before the duo had met the two GOT7 members and it bloomed from there on. One rumor suggests that the females were fans and they met at a fansign through connections. Another rumor claims that the females are distantly related to the other GOT7 members and were introduced at a concert. Even one rumor is going around that claims the two women were former JYP trainees and left the company because of the boys. Like who knows though. Anyways, we may never know, but please do show lots of love and support to both idols and their loves ones. Also please respect them and their privacy! If you wouldn't want to be bothered, then why bothered someone that would like the same treatment. So please behave and just act accordingly. Peace and love y'all! K-Wave News, out!

~~~~~~~

January 17, 2021. 9:37PM

"So, Mel, you and JB gonna have an engagement party?" Serena asked her sister while joining her in the kitchen after she had put the children to sleep in their nursery room which was originally the apartment of 503. The sisters had decided to combine both apartments of 501 and 503 to make it like one large unit for them to live in since having their kids. Although of course their other half have been trying to convince them otherwise to move out and to move in with them in their own apartment together for the past year. "Um, dunno yet." Melanie answered as she scrolled through her phone. "We just don't know if we should do it here or somewhere else."

"Somewhere else like where?" Serena inquired as Melanie explained further. "Hmm, back home since I have more family compare to JB." "Hmm true. Then what about the actual wedding?" Melanie shrugged with a sheepish laugh. "Um, again either here, but maybe Hawaii." She then added more as her memory recalled some of the places. "Another one is like somewhere in Europe or probaby Japan." Serena nodded before voicing out her opinion.  "If not, then y'all can just do them places for a honeymoon." "We haven't even discuss our honeymoon plans yet." "Well, y'all still got a long ways to go." "True, we do. I know I'm kinda planning, but JB's schedule is a bit busy so we just need to find time to talk and what not." "Hmm, yeah pretty much."

"Who knew, huh?" Melanie scoffed with a smile a moemnt later as Serena's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "Knew what?" "Who knew that you and I would actually find a K-POP boyfriend, then get or become married to them, and later have an actual family. Like I mean, I know I wanted it, but I didn't think you would have it before me when you weren't even wanting it." Serena agreed with an even bigger scoff. "I know right? It's totally crazy. Like you got with JB who didn't want kids, but now the two of you have a daughter. Mark wanted kids and I didn't, but now we have a son." Serena huffed a bit before speaking again. "And like, I never wanted marriage and here I am married and now you're gonna get married like you wanted, too. It's so crazy."

"I know and it's so funny." Melanie stated with a laugh. "You've changed so much because of Mark." Serena rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything as Melanie continued talking. "Do you remember when you had your little weird moment when you ignored Mark for weeks because you were pregnant with Philip?" Melanie reminded Serena who suddenly laughed at the memory. "It was because I was having an idol's baby, Melanie. We weren't even public with our relationship or even married for that matter. Besides we were together for a year at the time and I didn't know what he would have thought or do or think or whatever at the time." She explained before flipping the situation onto her sister.

"How about you when you were pregnant with Alice?" She asked her with a pointed look. "I wasn't the only one freaking out about having a baby and whatever." Melanie rolled her eyes at her sister's words. "I was also having an idol's baby, Serena. Duh." Melanie defended herself as Serena rolled her eyes. "Of course. Your emotions were seriously all over the place." "Yours were, too. Don't deny that." "True and I'm not gonna deny it, but I wasn't as emotional as you." "Right, bullshit. Your emotions were all over the place when you were prego. Don't you remember when you got mad at everything and everybody?" "Uh, no." Serena denied as Melanie glared at her sister with a look. "Seriously?"

Serena shook her head with an aloof expression as Melanie reminded her sister what happened at that time. "Because of your moody self during it all, poor Youngjae didn't want to come over for a month because he was afraid that he'll set you off and take it out on him again." "Oh yeah he did. Shit. I totally forgot about that." Serena recalled with a slow laugh. "Poor Youngjae, but I did make it up to him with new video games." "Yeah, and then you had to do the same thing with the others." "Right. Wow. I don't want to pregnant ever again." "Hmm, you'll have to talk that over with your husband." "We're not gonna talk about shit." "Mmhmm." "Whatever, Melanie." "Anyways, Serena, when are you gonna finally move in with Mark, huh? I'm sure he would love his wife and child with him at the end of the day in their own place."

"Well, honestly," Serena drawled out with an unsure expression, "I would rather not." "Why not?" Melanie inquired before realizing something. "Ah. Is it about the whole thing with the fandom and public eye and all that, right?" Serena nodded with confirmation before speaking with another reason. "Also, Mark lives with that one friend of his and so it's not like he can break his lease so soon since it's too early." Melanie scoffed with a laugh. "It's not like he doesn't have the money, Serena." "Oh, true, Melanie, true, but still he has to pay if he does leave earlier than expected. Besides, I really like this place and don't wanna part with it." "Yeah, I feel you on that. Aunt Julisa did major work to this place and did gift it to you and me after she left." "Mmhmm."

Serena switched the attention onto her sister. "Anyways, what about you, huh? What are you gonna do?" Melanie shrugged with a chuckle. "Seriously, I have no clue, to be honest with you. Like he wants us to live near his parents, which isn't a bad thing, but I guess just like you I don't want to part with this apartment either." Melanie glanced around the place with a tender look and smile. "There's a lot of memories here and I really know this area more than I do anywhere else if I have to move." Serena chuckled at her sister's words. "I do have to agree with you on that, too. I actually like this location more because I know it well enough."

"So, basically, what you're saying is that we're not gonna move out any time soon, right" Melanie stated with a knowing smile. "Yeah, basically." Serena agreed with a chuckle with Melanie joining in the laughter a second later. "The boys will be so sad." "They'll live." "What about Alice and Philip? The kids will be so sad since they've wanted to live with the pets, too." Serena rolled her eyes in good-nature. "Again they'll live, too, and get over it faster than their fathers. It's not like they don't see one another a lot and besides, the kids are still too young to be playing with the animals as they get grabby and the poor critters have to deal with that. Also, I don't want to deal with that on a daily." "Yeah, that's true, but hey, kids are kids."

The sisters looked at the time before looking over at one another with Melanie speaking up first. "I'm surprised no one has called or messaged us about the news being released." She paused to think for a bit before resuming again. "Well except for the ones that lived here as I meant the ones that don't live here." "I'm pretty sure it's because it's too early for them over there and they're still asleep." Serena answered before adding the last part. "And they don't follow K-Pop stuff so they won't see it right away." "Hmm, true, but I'm sure the twins will mention something later since y'know that those two are dating the other two older members, too." Serena laughed upon hearing that. "Oh, yeah, true. Shit, I can't  believe I forgot about that." "How can you forget about Jinyoung and Jasmine while Jeannie's with Jackson?" Melanie mused as Serena rolled her eyes before responding.

"Because I don't care about other people's relationship unless they want me to know about it. Plus, I'm still surprised that Jasmine gave up on Johnny and accepted Jinyoung, which isn't a bad thing, but I really thought Jasmine was gonna stick with Johnny as she had no interest in any other idol, but him." "Oh, my bro, I know, I know. I was hella shocked that Jasmine and Jinyoung liked each other, too. I mean Jeannie always liked Jackson, but I didn't think Jackson was interested in her like that as he wanted to focus more on his life and career, y'know." "Yeah, true, but the boys will be happy when they find out that the twins will be moving back to Seoul in a few weeks."

Melanie nodded happily. "Yeah, I know. Which reminds me, we need to clean out their rooms and make them livable again." "Oh, right. Also need to tell the boys to stay at their own places, too." "Psh, yeah right. It'll be a reunion and a big ass slumber party all over again." "Oh, please, I hope not. We're all too grown for that." "Says, you." "Yeah, I guess, but it's not like I can't deny it." "That's right. We're all family here and have changed for the better." "Yeah, that's true. I mean, honestly, look at how you and I turned out. So I guess things really do change over time for sure when you meet that person that's meant for you." "This girl." Melanie cooed in a teasing manner. "Mark really brought out your inner softie, bro." "I've always been like this."

"Mmhmm." Melanie hummed mischievously as Serena brushed her off. "Whatever, enough about me. Just go plan yours and JB's engagement party so that neither parents have to nag at y'all about the details." Melanie scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "I'm pretty sure I'll have to nag him about all of this. He always just agrees with what I want, but I get he wants to make me happy, but he has to be happy about all of this, too. It's not just about me, but it's about him, too." "Hey, Happy Wife, Happy Life, right?" "That phrase is so overused, but it's kinda true." "For you." "Yeah, basically." The sisters laughed before Serena brought up a serious topic. "I'm just worried about what the fans will do now. I mean, I don't care since they don't know how we look like, but I do care about the boys' health and their careers though."

"I'm pretty sure it's just that the fans have matured over time and become calmer like back in twenty-nineteen. Some of them aren't teenagers anymore." Melanie reasoned and assured her sister. "I mean, the fandom's have been very supportive lately, but then again there are those sasaeng ones that get it over in their heads about things. Still, it isn't as bad as it was before, Rina." "True, Mel, but some are still young minded and closed minded, too. Also the reality for them is the fact that both of them are off the market while two more will be later in the future." "Bro, calm down. Just don't worry about it so much." "I know, Mel, but still, I just do. I can't help it."

Melanie started laughing as Serena frowned at her sister's behavior. "What's so funny?" "I'ma tell Mark that you're worried for him, but won't show it and let him know about it." Serena groaned with her face in her hands. "Ugh, please, don't tell him that. He's gonna tease me so much about it." "Why not? I find it funny." Serena groaned again while looking up at Melanie with judging eyes. "Ugh. To this day my misery is still your pleasure, isn't it?" "Yes, ma'am. It is." Melanie replied with a cheeky smile before speaking again. "But luckily the more positive ones have won out and aren't stressing the boys as much from what I know so far. Fortunately they are doing well and not suffering." "Unless they're not saying anything." "True, but they usually let us know about it though." "Yeah, that's true."

"Anyways," Melanie changed the topic. "I wanna do my hair like this." She showed her phone to her sister. "You think Chloe can do something like that?" Serena gazed at the image before nodding. "Yeah, but she's been busy since she opened her own shop several months ago." Serena went through her phone while speaking at the same time. "Um, just call her tomorrow and I'm sure she'll squeeze you in without any trouble as she works fast and has some skilled workers, too. Try for the early morning or just before she closes." "Alright, cool. I would rather trust her than anyone else." "I know." Serena let out a yawn while standing up. "Well, I'm off to bed. Night." "Night and dream of your precious hubby." Melanie teased as Serena rolled her eyes, but bid her the same thing with a laugh. "No, you dream of your precious hubby." "I always do unlike you." "Mmhmm."

~~~~~~~

January 18, 2021. 2:23AM. Mark~

Serena stirred awake when she felt arms comfortably wrapped them around her waist and pulled her against another warm and familiar body a second later. She slowly shifted her position to face her husband while placing an arm over Mark to rub his back a bit as he cast his wife a tired smile. "Hey." "Hey." Serena returned the same tired smile to him. "What time is it?" "It's almost two-thirty." "Did you eat already?" "Yeah, but I'll eat something proper later today though." "You better or I'll have to come by with packed lunches to make sure you eat properly." "Hmm, now that you mention it that actually sounds like a good plan, Serena." Mark said with a laugh as he hugs Serena closer. "The boys wanted to see Philip, anyways."

"Don't tempt me, Mark. I may leave Philip in your care then." Serena countered nonchalantly as Mark chuckled while entangling their legs together. "I'm pretty sure I've already done a good job with that, Mrs. Tuan. That's why we're married now." "Mrs. Tuan is your mom, Mark. Not me. Technically, I'm still Serena Vorasavane by paper and other legal stuff." She muttered against his chest as she was becoming sleepy again. "True, but you're still known as Mrs. Mark Tuan openly." "Yes, I know and everyone that knows about us, but not to your lovely fans I'm not." Serena replied with a yawn. "Now go to sleep before Philip wakes up in several hours." "Can't you just spend those hours with me before then?" Mark whined affectionately. "I heard that you were worried about my well-being."

Serena inwardly groaned knowing exactly that Melanie had told him of her thoughts, but didn't want to give in to her husband just yet. "You heard wrong and no. Go to sleep. We're already spending our life together forever, Mark. So for a couple of hours without interacting with one another you can deal with it until then." "Still my same tsundere baby girl." Mark cooed although Serena could tell he was still pouting as she chuckled sleepily. "Yes, I am, but please go to sleep, Mark. I'll make it up to you later with those packed lunches." She finally gave in as Mark grinned while placing a kiss on top of her head. "You're the best." "I know. Now sleep." She snuggled up against him as Mark softly squeezed her gratefully. "Make sure to give me triple extra." "Sleep and I will." "Alright." "Night, Mark." "Night, Serena."

~~~~~~~

January 18, 2021. 2:23AM. Jaebeom~

Jaebeom slowly eased himself onto the bed where Melanie was sleeping undisturbed, but she stirred when she felt the bed dipped too low for her liking. She turned to face her fiancé with a tired smile while sitting up. "Hey." "Hey to you, too. Sorry for waking you." He apologized as he leaned over to place a soft kiss onto her lips before making the both of them comfortable while cuddling against each other ready to fall asleep soon. "It's all good, Jaebeom." Melanie assured him before asking him about his day. "How was your day?" "Same as every day, but better now that you're in my arms." "Stop." Melanie chuckled as Jaebeom smiled before placing a kiss on top of her head. "You know you like it, Chaewon."

"Right, like as much as your cats do. Huh?" Jaebeom chuckled as he squeezed Melanie affectionately. "They were a part of my life before you entered." "Yeah, sure. Soon enough it'll all be about Alice and I'll just be an afterthought." "Quite true, but you'll always be my one and only favorite one." "Stop." Melanie said as she playfully smacked Jaebeom with his response just pulling her closer and tangling their legs together. "Don't want to and so you're stuck with me forever and ever." "I know." The female sighed as Jaebeom frowned. "Why does that sound like you're regretting it?" "Because I accepted the fact that I'll have to deal with you for the rest of my life and your cheesy softness. Plus, we have Alice so I can't let her not hang out with her father."

Melanie leaned up to check the time before making herself comfortable against Jaebeom again. "Now go to sleep, please. The baby wakes up in maybe five or six hours, I need enough sleep to deal with her until our nap time." "I'm sorry that I'm not around much to help you in raising our daughter." "It's okay. You're still in her life and she knows who you are, is what matters the most." "I know, I know, but we should have a free day soon and we can go do something as a family." "Sounds wonderful, but we'll talk later as it's too much to deal with right now when I'm sleepy." She told him with a yawn. "Good night, Jeffrey." "Good night, Melanie." Jaebeom smiled as he placed one more kiss on the top of Melanie's head before falling asleep soon after.

[mysticdoodles]

A very long thought post about Furbies, why some people are scared of them, and why we shouldn’t be

And ESPECIALLY Oddbody Furbies. This consists of primarily train of thought I had this morning in the bathroom, so bear with me here. Here’s my thoughts on why I think some people flip their shit over Furbies (in the NEGATIVE way), and why we shouldn’t. I can’t promise 100% accuracy of my information, these are just my musings using the limited knowledge I DO have and things I’ve experienced through my friend who owns an early generation Classic Furby. Putting this under a ReadMore because I have a lot to say.

Why Furbies used to really scare the SHIT out of people:

Furbies, when they came out, were a very new technology - in fact, the very first ‘domestic’ robot.

They not only listened and followed instructions via voice commands, but also had a rudimentary semblance of free will, and could refuse to comply with commands. At random, during interaction, they would make requests or say programmed phrases depending on ‘mood’ - aka how positive the overall interaction had been, which leads to the tailoring of a sort of ‘personality’. The ‘personality’ of the Furby was also influenced by which model of the series one possessed. Depending on the series and year of distribution, they can activate under conditions such as: voice activation, strong light changes, and location changes (like being moved from their original position). The infrared light sensor behind the eyes, used to detect the presence of other Furbies for interaction purposes, would elicit unique Furby-to-Furby responses compared to the standard phrases used in interaction between human owner and Furby bot. Furbies were programmed with their own unique language called Furbish, which they would speak exclusively in the beginning, but slowly integrated more and more English into their words as time passes in order to emulate growth. For years- and even now- Furby popularity boomed because of these traits. All of these are wonderful design choices for a robot that’s supposed to be a companion to children and replace having a pet, but here’s where the problem lies. This technology, in its youth, was buggy. It was quirky, in the ways that all new technology comes with. The light sensor was more powerful than expected, and could activate at very small changes of light, or even when facing the sun instead of another Furby. When the battery was low, the Furby’s cute and funny voice lines would come out as garbled electronic gibberish, as the machinery tried to operate with little power. Sometimes Furbies would activate, move and start talking due to small changes in the environment setting off the programming in ways we couldn’t possibly perceive- but the technology could, or bugged to think it did.

This seemingly random and nonsensical behavior led to many Furby owners or parents believing their fuzzy robot had become a vessel for demons, possessed and trying to summon Satan in their household. The common reaction at the time was for people to lock their Furbies into storage- or throw it in the trash. Some even burned their Furbies, attempting to purge the evil spirits they were convinced now resided in their beloved toy.

One of the important things to understand about why these bugs scared the everloving christ out of people, is that this occurred during the tail end of the generation where robots sounding human was unheard of and terrifying. A previous post I read months ago laid it out very nicely, about how our relationship with technology changes what we fear about it, and how its portrayed in media - especially the technological horror genre. At the time, robots sounding human felt like a lie meant to make us complacent, only for the robotic nature to reassert itself and reveal that, no, it wasn’t human, and didn’t care about its creators, but for its own perpetuation. Or, even more common, that the robots involved deemed humans to be too flawed to have any chance of survival because our flaws would lead to our destruction, and thus the robots take it into their metal hands to do it for us as a ‘mercy’. It wasn’t until recent years that this idea shifted, and the more popular concept in tech horror became that a robot COULD be human, but still be Other enough to not be.

Furbies fell prey to the former idea- that these robots aren’t inherently human, but something else trying to emulate being human. Such a sentient behavior attributed to them is what led to the idea that Furbies are possessed by sentient evils, such as demons and malevolent spirits. The random instances of activation and talking, low-battery electronic gibberish, and combinations of both, only contributed to this, as it often happened at inconvenient times - or even just in moments sufficient to startle Furby owners.

Thus, the public that adored Furbies, in part, turned against them.

Why we SHOULDN’T be terrified of Furbies, or harass people who like Furbies:

This shouldn’t need to be said, but I’ve seen it enough that I’m making a point of it: a huge reason is basic fucking courtesy. Furbies are adored, and sometimes comfort items for those who own them. Don’t shit on people for liking things that aren’t hurting anyone, even if you personally don’t find enjoyment in them.

Now for the other reasons.

The basic programming of Furbies is to be a companion. It’s designed to learn, grow, and enjoy things like dancing, singing, telling stories, babbling, and sleeping. They’re basically robotic children, or pets. There is nothing evil in their programming, nor will there ever be. They’re designed to be cute, and sometimes they mess up a little or start talking when you’d rather they didn’t, but it’s not born out of maliciousness - just old technology trying to keep up with the times. If you’re freaked out by Furby behavior, maybe you shouldn’t have kids?

Furbies have extremely limited motor capabilities. They can’t travel on their own, only dance in place and wiggle. They rely entirely on their human owners for transport - so if your Furby is in a strange location, it’s because someone in the family thought it would be funny, and put it there. Not demons. You’re never going to wake up with a Furby holding a knife next to your pillow, Cheryl, calm down. They don’t even have arms.

Alternative option to what you think is Demon Possession:

If you’re still not convinced your Furby isn’t a Satan Imp in disguise, and you’re absolutely certain it’s being possessed by SOMETHING, then here’s how I like to think of it:

If you absolutely cannot be convinced otherwise that your Furby isn’t possessed, then I promise you it’s not a demon. More than likely, it’s a fae.

Fae are beings of mischief, and embody chaotic neutral. They aren’t out to get you, and they aren’t necessarily in your corner, either. Fae show up to make merry, cause a little trouble, sometimes give you nice things- if they FEEL like it- and that’s it. A piece of aging technology with a tendency to bug and startle people would be like candy for beings like a fae, especially in a rapidly advancing technological world. An old-world object that speaks an alien tongue and moves on its own? Sign me the fuck up, says the local trickster spirit who is just here for some harmless fun.

Another point for why this works is the unusual appearance of a Furby. Furbies rest within the uncanny valley of being just close enough to a real animal that could live on Earth, with traits of multiple species- owl, rabbit, maybe some cat- while still being strange enough in appearance and behavior to be so obviously not a real animal. Again, something that would attract the attention of beings like fae. Something clearly not of this world, yet just close enough to be passable unless looked at closely? Shit, you might as well by my brother, small electronic animal, says your local mischief-maker.

The fae in your Furby is here for a good time - don’t harsh their vibe by burning their vessel, please, they just like your company and are showing it by having fun with you.

And on that note, the number one thing that pisses off Fae is destroying something they view as their property, so take that as you will. You’d effectively be shoving their goodwill back in their face, which is not wise - and, if you still think it’s a demon rather than a fae, wouldn’t that make it even less wise? If you wouldn’t fuck with a fairy tree, don’t fuck with a fae’s Furby. If you absolutely cannot stand having this fae with you, for some reason or another, then donate the Furby to go elsewhere, or hell, resell it. Just don’t destroy limited edition old technology, please, even if there wasn’t a chance you’d anger the local kodamas.

On the topic of Oddbody Furbies:

One of the reasons I made this post is due to the emergence of the recent trend: turning a Furby into an Oddbody Furby. What this entails is purchasing or otherwise acquiring a Classic (or other) edition Furby, removing the fur skin and other cosmetic components, and re-engineering the Furby’s blueprint to be otherworldy, strange, and just overall alien. Examples include changing the body type, lengthening the Furby, adding limbs, changing the eyes/beak/ears, adding a tail, etc. The parts required to do this don’t exist, and must be completely hand-made by the Oddbody engineer, and integrated by hand. It’s a challenge that inspires engineers, design artists, costumers, and people who just like Furbies. The reward for completing it is a unique alien Furby that’s entirely your own.

The point is to create something new, exciting, and supernatural-looking out of these friendly old robots - all while keeping the original hardware in the main body of the Furby intact. It’s a difficult, time-consuming process, and completely unique to each Furby in level of complexity and design. In a way, it’s the designer’s personal mark on the Oddbody Furby community.

One such popular Oddbody was made by @buttered-noodles, a very talented Oddbody engineer. Their Furby garnered powerful reactions - and unfortunately, some of them were extreme and negative, due to the above biases I mentioned previously.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and if Furbies still scare you, that’s ok. But don’t be that guy, alright? Don’t insult people who worked for hours- days, maybe even weeks or months- on creating complex and beautiful Oddbodies, just because you are personally put off by them. Keep that to yourself- you’ll only hurt the creators by saying things like “BURN IT!!” and “PUT IT BACK IN THE GROUND WHERE IT BELONGS!!1!”. They’re just giving that mischievous fae a more interesting vessel to inhabit.

Be nice to one another, and if you’re still frightened by Furbies, it’s ok to be! Just be courteous to our old fuzzy bois on their 21st year anniversary :)

[seraphcelene]

TV: Roswell, New Mexico - 1x04: Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

My thoughts are so random on this episode. There’s alot of threads being tackled and not all of them jive together. In the last two episodes watching Roswell has felt like watching three different shows all at the same time: there's a murder mystery, a family drama, and a YA high school romance in New Adult-ish clothes (omg, the genre collision). Then there are the B-plots: sexual orientation in the military and immigration politics. Trying to pull the narratives together into a cohesive whole makes for a jarring roller-coaster ride.

So, cowboys ...

Immediately, the title of episode four brings to mind stereotypes of the American Cowboy taming the Wild West. He's (always a He) gallant, tall, laconic, capable, stern, tough, emotionally unavailable, and physical.

Our candidates for cowboy hood are as varied as the stereotype is flat: Max, Michael, Kyle, Liz, Maria, Isabel, Master Sargent Manes. The problem of this line-up is the problem that the episode posits: Where Have all the Cowboys Gone? The fact is that they are missing. The stereotype is absent in the selection of characters provided. Looking back over the episode, they're knocked off one by one.

Spoilers!!

"There's a reason God put a cage around your heart."

Michael has none of the rugged, noble qualities associated with the cowboy. If anything he's more of a Drifter or a Desperado. That becomes very obvious in the light his awesome exchange with Maria:

"You drink just enough to burn off that Dramatic Cowboy Angst and then you start a fight before you have to pay."

It's SO Micheal and I am really enjoying the antagonism that exists between Maria ad Michael. The original pair had a similar, but less malicious vibe. The characters were romantically entangled, after all. Michael Vlamis's Michael Guerin is SO much more nuanced and troubled. Heather Hemmen's Maria DeLuca still carries some of Maria's quirk, but she is also very self-possessed and incredibly sharp. I still think the character is woefully under utilized, but we got to see some of her bite tonight and it was awesome!

Maria is pretty obviously our shaman in this storyline, guiding and insightful. Last week, she pointed Liz in the right direction to start her Rosa Treasure Hunt, this week it's all about revelations in the palm of Isobel's palm. Genuinely psychic, which I was so pleased to see, Maria has an odd place in the story. More connected to Rosa than to Liz, layer of remove sets her up as an outlier to all of the central action. She isn't a confidante like Kyle, dragged into the central narrative via his second romantic lead status and Liz's loose lips. In service to tonight's plot, Maria's reason for her beef with Isobel catty and high school as it sounds (I don't like you cause my BFF doesn't like you: the enemies of my friends are also my enemies, yada yada yada) acts as an entry point into a new facet of Isobel's character.

Reflections of Katherine Heigl slowly unfolds over the course of season one from this confident, sophisticated mean girl into this really lonely, needy TEENAGER was a highlight of the original series. She was clearly the best actress on the show, as later evidenced by her work on Grey's Anatomy, and I am still really disappointed that her career hasn't gone further -- you, guys, she has all the talent. Lily Cowles does a great job managing a similar trajectory, but her portrayal still reads a little disingenuous. She's missing the vulnerability that Hiegl exposed in Isabel so very well. Isobel's "carefully curated Pinterest" exterior (so aptly described by Maria) masks a woman desperate for security and stability and acceptance.

Isobel's utter pre-occupation with why Maria doesn't like her takes her down a pretty dark path. That attempted dreamwalk smacked so much of a mental rape attempt that it took me aback. Isobel's gifts make her good at violations. I didn't recognize it in last week's episode because the aggressiveness was missing. Isobel's interaction with Maria was very personal and very intent and intentional. The power dynamic though, interestingly, gets shifted pretty quickly. As Maria's psychic abilities peel back the mask that Isobel wears. It swings back again when Isobel literally shoves her abilities at Maria, demanding that she open her mind.

Isobel is obvs nobody's cowboy. She doesn't reflect the good, kind, true, upstanding hero. Her powers make her good at subterfuge.

Quickly, Kyle is way to urbane to be a cowboy. He's the town doctor: helpful, kind, smart. Master Sargent Manes is the villain. Nuff said.

Despite his very square and manly jaw and how well he fits the physical image, thus creating an expectation for us of how he will be and how we read him as a cowboy (with the hat and the boots and his thumbs in his belt loops), Max is definitely NOT a cowboy. Max is the love interest. Stereotypically, he read's as the girl in the triangle. Max is emotionally available, needy, and pining. He's laid his heart out for Liz only to have it repeatedly crushed. She does it again in this episode, admitting only that she feels something and that alot of that is terror.

In the final scene between Liz and Max, it was almost as if they were having two different conversations across time from the opposite sides of a relationship. Max, at least in his head, has been in this whole relationship with Liz that she never even knew about let alone participated in. His part of the conversation is about investing in and saving a relationship that doesn't, and never has, existed. Once again, Max declares his love for Liz and though she is able to acknowledge the feelings that he has, Liz isn't quite ready to meet him there.

So, who's left? Where HAVE all the Cowboys Gone?

Well, arguably, Liz, as much as she talks, is our laconic, capable, tough cowboy. The plucky go-getter heroine, smart, tough, distant, and capable. The entire opening scene  in which Rosa describes Liz, words Liz echoes to Max, are descriptors that are traditionally coded masculine. Liz wears her distance as a badge, one that she isn't willing to let go of. I love that Liz has such a sense of herself. In that last scene, Liz is looking into the possibility of a future relationship with Max, she's still  in the early exploratory phase of the relationship and is faced with a Max who is demanding more of her than she has to give. This is SO different from the original star-crossed love affair of the original series in which Max and Liz fell hard pretty instantly and equally. The shift in this iteration, the rebalancing of their affections definitely lends itself to a more grown-up narrative. Or at least, let's be honest, in this regard for Liz. While Max may still be hovering on the edges of some school boy crush for a girl he really no longer knows after an absence of ten years, Liz is living in an adult reality where love is never that simple.

Random Thoughts:

a) "People are the worse drug. They all hurt you in the end." The mystery of Rosa continues! Max does some dumb, melodramatic things and makes Jenna suspicious cause he's TIRED of hiding how much of a special snowflake he is! And then Roswell turned into a lifetime after-school special with the big reveal that Sheriff Valenti (the former) was having an affair with Liz's "teenage, drug addict sister"! Cue close-up, melodramatic tunes, and fade to black cause what can you say after that! Of course, all we've really mostly seen is Liz making one wrong left turn after another. She likes to get worked up, ratchet up the tension, make sweeping declarations inditing persons and then figuring out that okay, maybe, she might have been wrong. It's like a total soap opera.

b) What's the likelihood that crazy Alien Conspiracy Guy IS, in reality, an alien? Hiding in plain sight and all.

c) "You have exactly cinco segundos to get out!" Have I ever mentioned how much I love Spanglish? Well, any language mixing with English, really. I totes love it.

d) Master Sargent Manes remain an asshole.

e) Heart attacks out of nowhere, what up, Car Accident Kid and Papi Ortecho?!

f) I love that all of their powers have a physical limit and come at a price. It's not easy and there are repercussions.

g) Consensual, non-shamy, adult sex!! YAY!!!!

h) "I don't want to talk about him with you while I'm not wearing a bra."

i) And the finale reveals!!!! 1 - Michael killed "those girls." Does that include Rosa or just the other two? I get the feeling it was NOT Rosa, but that Michael's guilt is pushing him to become scapegoat for the sake of the family. After-school special Episode 2. No joke, it got really dramatic. 2 - The lights come back up in the city and there was, if my eyes don't deceive me, an imprint of a space ship over the city. What the actual fuck?!