#the persistent desire

[androgynealienfemme]

"I was born thirty eight years ago and raised to be a nice Chinese girl. But nice Chinese girls don't grow up to be dykes and rebels. And I turned out to be both.

I grew up on silence. Though I was part of a large extended family, we ate in silence. There was no conversation or laughter, just the sound of soup spoons and chopsticks against rice bowls. I was not encouraged to talk, express emotions, or ask questions. I grew up with a heritage of silence.

I was a girl child, the first born in a traditional Chinese family, raised to be seen but not heard, raised to excel in school but not be curious, raised to be someone's wife but not to be a person of my own. When I was growing up in England, Hong Kong, and San Francisco, I read everything I could get my hands on, but none of the books spoke of my own experience. I started writing when I was eleven years old to fill the silence and to turn the years of rejection into affirmation.

You're probably wondering what the hell any of this h as to do with sex. The answer is- plenty. What I write is shaped by my history and experience as both a Chinese woman and as a lesbian.

Chinese is my first language. But I was fluent only in the words my parents deemed it necessary for me to know. I was certainly not taught the words for breast, cunt, ass, or orgasm. There were no words for sex; therefore, sex did not exist.

I came out as a lesbian when I was twenty-one, but I didn't start writing about sex until almost a decade later. Sure, I wrote love poems, but I never wrote about sex. I was, after all, a nice Chinese girl and we didn't''t talk about things like that. --

I have always loved women passionately. I love the way a femme moves across a dance floor, knowing all eyes are focused on her. I love the hard eye-to-eye look from another butch as she sizes me up as competition- or her next conquest. I love the fluid seduction in a femmes eyes. I love the long line of her neck, her delicate earlobes and soft lips, painted some shade of red or unpainted but deeply flushed from having been kissed long and hard. Many times. I love the curve of her breast, the hardness of her nipples, the softness of her stomach, the fullness of her ass, her legs with a faint covering of hair or long and sleek in black silk stockings. I love the strength of her in her thighs, the firmness of her biceps, the feel of her forearms as she takes me. I love the smell of her heat and the place of pleasure between her legs. I love her ankles and her delicate toes and her soft instep where I run my tongue until my teeth are gripping her Achilles tendon. I love the smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her, the sight of her. I love women passionately.

--

Some women do not attend my theater or literary events for fear of supporting my sexual politics. I have been accused of recruiting. Never mind that I have a long history of writing, community organizing, and activism. Now I am judged solely for my leather sexuality. It's never been easy being different, but I have always survived. I will continue to speak out, write truths, and make waves. My countryman Mao Zedong wrote, "Dare to struggle, dare to win." I say, dare to write. Dare to be different. And who says nice Chinese girls don't talk about sex?"

"Who Says we Don't Talk About Sex?" Kitty Tsui, The Persistent Desire, (Edited by Joan Nestle) (1992)

[kinakoflour]

Bonni Barringer.  “When butches cry.” The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, edited by Joan Nestle, 1992, p. 109.

[femmespoiled]

The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader by Joan Nestle, 1992.

[rhinestonebabe]

"We have all been thoroughly conditioned to think the adjectives male and masculine are interchangeable, as are female and feminine. This is a mental straightjacket under which not only lesbians but all of society suffers."

The butch-femme question, Rita Laporte

(The Persistent Desire: a butch-femme reader, pgs 208-9)

[garlicowboy]

femme and butch appreciation :)

[campgender]

“When butches cry” by Bonni Barringer

published in The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, ed. Joan Nestle (1992)

When butches cry

no mountains quake

no islands form

only to slip into the sea

Nor do trees fall

nor lightning strike

nor any other god-done thing

When butches cry

they weep, they wail,

they gnash their teeth

and moan

Strong woman’s pain

it’s just the same

except it’s mostly done

alone.

[butchingdyke]

after i finish reading s/he and the persistent desire, gonna go for my annual read of stone butch blues

[makeitreal]

success story ♟

first thing first. this is my experience, and if you can resonate with it take it, if you don’t just don’t.

i manifested a text from my sp 🖤

context

all you guys have to know that we’ve been talking and then suddenly he told me that we shouldn’t been doing this (talking everyday) and that we should just move on, that this is the end.

i said okay and i cried so hard those two days. and then i puted my shit together. i started reading about law of assumption (i was a law of attraction team) and then i tried a little manifestation

so, after that i started reading and reading but not really putting in practice you know, not JUST DOING IT. like i’ve been wavering a lot like always “missing” something or doing something “wrong” —because all we know that’s impossible to fail unless you’re checking the 3d.

the point is took me three weeks FOCUSING in the GOD DAMN TEXT, because when i really PERSISTED only took me HOURS that the text came.

how i did it being stressed about the law

i was so over consumed about all the info, and all the day “trying”, like i was affirming but then checking the 3d. so i took a moment to myself and i went for a little drive alone like 1 am. there’s was nobody so i said “okay, let’s do this”

i stared affirming to see a red car, there’s wasn’t a soul and if a car passed, it was black or white. so i disciplined my mind that has to happen, that IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. minutes later the goddamn red car came out, after that i did the same with blue cars and green, etc.

so, i realized that was easy and fast. let’s see with a text but a text of my friend that was sleeping. “she’s gonna woke up and the first thing in her mind will be texting me”. i started affirming… but also i started to checking the 3d, letting my ego mind telling me “you can’t”. i came home crying and when i calm down my friend “hey, are u sleeping” AFTER THAT, she told me that she was sleeping and she didn’t even notice it that she wrote me like, was the first thing in their mind.

i did it

i saw a video, and after that i repeat and persisted as hell. with every opposite thoughts i was like “mm noup, we’re already talking”, “why am i saying that if we are talking?” i said —i don’t care about the 3d, if it’s happening in my mind then it’s happening here— i did it until i fell asleep, and then i woke up seeing his prom list and i saw i wasn’t there and we started talking, it wasn’t like i expected 😅 because i didn’t decide the how, i just affirmed that we are talking no matter for what social media or the reason.

my advice

i just can say that, even when you have your desire, you have to keep persisting anyway. when i talked to him, my own insecurities started to appear and i pushed him away. i know i did it because everything that i started to think (not good things) happen.

that was my experience, doesn’t mean it has to happen to you; that’s why i’m telling you KEEP PERSISTING EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR SP. i still fighting with focusing in my desire and not checking the 3d. so if you are feeling over consumed, leave and go and manifest something that you think it’s “easy”—because nothing it’s easies or harder, big or small to manifest— to grow the trust in yourself 🖤

don’t be scared of pushing him away because they’re already with you, just keep persisting no matter what. all is about NOT checking the 3d you don’t have to believe or feel the affirmation, and persist until it happens

you can manifest without having a good self concept but helps a lot 🖤

[cyprusvamp]

from “Butches, lies and feminism” by Jeanne Cordova in The Persistent Desire: a Femme-Butch Reader edited by Joan Nestle

[teledyn]

[androgynealienfemme]

"Yes, it's true: I was the type of young femme who managed the girls basketball team in high school, just to be able to take in the sight of all those butches parading their muscles up and down the court. I found Girl Scout camp to be femme heaven and reveled in being able to explore my athletic self and still maintain my femmeness. And, to my horror, I have to admit pushing Tina away from my breasts in the back seat of a Buick while attending Mount Saint Mary Seminary. And then there was feminism... Although I came out as a "gay" woman before reading The Feminine Mystique, the seventies brand of white feminism had me trimming my nails and cutting off my hair. Soon I was outfitted in farmer jeans and high tops. And still I was told by my "sisters" that I didn't "look like a dyke" (read: I didn't look butch). I began to lead two lives- one as an outrageous, skirted, lipsticked femme while I worked in and traveled with carnivals, and another as an imitation butch back home in the women's community. Eventually, I pulled the pieces of my being back together and proclaimed boldly, "I am a working-class lesbian femme." So I had maybe six years reveling in unleashing my seductive femme self when, as lives go, mine changed: slowly at first and then more dramatically. Recurring back pain and limited range of mobility were finally diagnosed. Soon after came decreased mobility. No more mountain climbing. No long mall walks in search of the perfect piece of sleaze. No more standing against kitchen walls being gloriously fucked by some handsome butch. I stopped using alcohol and drugs, became ill with what is now known as CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome), and began to use a three-wheeled power chair. The more disabled I became, the more I mourned the ways my sexual femme self had manifested through the nondisabled me: cruising at the local lezzie bar, picking up a dyke whose eyes refuse to stray from mine, dancing seductively, moving all of me for all of her. Cooking: love and suggestion neatly tucked into the folds of a broccoli quiche. Serving my date in varying, sleazy clothing, removing layers as the meal and our passion progressed. And making love... feeling only pleasure as my hips rose and fell under the weight of her. Accomplishment and pride smirked across my face as her wrists finally submitted to the pressure of strong persistent hands. There are the ways I knew to be femme, to be the essence of me.

It's been five years now since I began using my wheelchair. I am just awakening to a new reclamation of femme. Yes. I still grieve the way I was, am still often unsure how this femme with disabilities will act out her seduction scenes. I still marvel when women find passion amidst the chrome and rubber that is now a part of me.

There have been numerous dates, lovers, relationships, sexual partners, and fliterations along the way. Cindy, Jenny, Ellie, Emma, Diane, Dorothy, Gail, June, Clove, Lenny, Cherry, Diana, Sarah I, and Sarah II. You have all reminded me in your own subtle or overt, quit or wild ways that I am desirable, passionate, exciting, wanted.

Yes I am an incredibly sexual being. An outrageous, loud mouthed femme who's learning to dress, dance, cook, and seduce on wheels; finding new ways to be gloriously fucked by handsome butches and aggressive femmes. I hang out with more sexual outlaws now- you know, the motorcycle lesbians who see wheels and chrome between your legs as something exciting, the leather women whose vision of passion and sexuality doesn't exclude fat, disabled me.

Ableism tells us that lesbians with disability are asexual. (When was the last time you dated a dyke who uses a wheelchair?) Fat oppression insists that thin is in and round is repulsive. At times, these voices become very loud, and my femme, she hid quietly amidts the lists.

Now my femme is rising again. The time of doubt, fear, and retreat has passed. I have found my way out of the lies and oppression and have moved into a space of loving and honoring the new femme who has emerged. This lesbian femme with disabilities is wise, wild, wet, and wanting. Watch out.

-"Reclaiming femme... Yet again" Mary Francis Platt, The Persistent Desire (Edited by Joan Nestle) (1992)

[kinakoflour]

Kitty Tsui. “Who says we don’t talk about sex?” The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, edited by Joan Nestle, 1992, p. 385, 337.

Kitty, San Francisco. 1991. “Love my flattop. Love my leathers!” Photo credit: Richard Law. https://theoutwordsarchive.org/interview/tsui-kitty-2/.

[femmespoiled]

The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader by Joan Nestle

ID - text reading:

"For many years now, I have been trying to figure out how to explain the special nature of butch-femme relationships to feminists and lesbian-feminists who consider butch-femme a reproduction of heterosexual models, and therefore dismiss lesbian communities both of the past and of the present that assert this style. Before I continue, my editor wants me to define the term butch-femme, and I am overwhelmed at the complexity of the task. Living a butch-femme life was not an intellectual exercise; it was not a set of theories. Deep in my gut I know what being a femme has meant to me, but it is very hard to articulate this identity in a way that does justice to its fullest nature and yet answers the questions of a curious reader. In the most basic terms, butch-femme means a way of looking, loving, and living that can be expressed by individuals, couples, or a community. In the past, the butch has been labeled too simplistically the masculine partner and the femme her feminine counterpart. This labeling forgets two women who have developed their styles for specific erotic, emotional, and social reasons. Butch-femme relationships, as I experienced them, were complex erotic and social statements, not phony heterosexual replicas. They were filled with a deeply lesbian language of stance, dress, gesture, love, courage, and autonomy. In the 1950s particularly, butch-femme couples were the front-line warriors against sexual bigotry. Because they were so visible, they suffered the brunt of street violence. The irony of social change has made a radical, sexual, political statement of the 1950s appear today a reactionary, nonfeminist experience."

END ID

[lil-miss]

If someone got me a physical copy of The Persistent Desire I think I would marry them on the spot or like give them my soul or something.

[campgender]

“Lullabye for a butch” by Melinda Goodman, published in The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader ed. Joan Nestle (1992)

Saturday night November 1980

I am 23 driving a '68 Delta east on 4

to the George Washington Bridge

jockeying with other drivers

coming off routes 80 and 47

for a clear veer to the lane my lover

works, the 3-to-11 post-Thanksgiving shift

She grabs my hand as I fly

money green flags

in her direction

laughing over the moan of diesel brakes

her wool-gloved fingers pry then tangle

in my naked palm

Ignoring the blaring horns outside the booth,

our mutual radios pump the club

version of Grace's "Warm Leatherette"

as she steps out on exhausted concrete

to place an orange cone

between my bumper and the

bumper behind mine

I like her uniform:

fresh polyester dark blue

and bright white collar

topped with overcoat,

scarf and ski cap for the blizzard on the way.

If it snows the Port Authority

puts her up at a motel otherwise

she stays at my place but has to be back

by dawn or be counted AWOL

So she's up before five

folding her flowered pajamas

into the bottom drawer

of my colonial chest

with handles like rings

through a bull's snout

“You got my nose”

moaned the only teenaged woman

who ever loved me

and my tollbooth honey

reminds me of her

as I chain the door behind her

hearing steps down five flights

to the street, the bridge,

and the gunmetal morning

I always loved

gentlemanly attentive butches

even those who won't fuck

for the first five dates

'cause they “want to get to know you”

till you beg

and by that time

you're married

They want to make sure

all those free concerts

fish dinners

and stories about home

won't get thrown back

in their teeth

After all...

butches are vulnerable

It's the femmes that are fierce

with their long legs

and tight jeans

making you watch them

Butches are the sweet ones

with their clean shined shoes

and socks

and underwear

smelling of baby powder

and Camay

I loved

the way she wrote her name

in purple script

all over the top sheet

of my coloring pad

when supper was done and the dishes stacked

I wish I could kiss her now

slide my tongue through her teeth

erase the years I fell

for women as distant as Queens

is from the Bronx

Just hold this butch in my arms

make her know

It's not the 2 condominiums

she bought with rare pennies

collected on her job

but her

her strong back

and big hips

and corny sparkling eyes

when she walks around

to open the door

on my side of the car

in front of the skinny eyes

of the fat boy dealers

strutting in and out

of their customized vans

and the heads rolling in

from Jersey

She doesn't even see

the tooth-sucking teens

as she walks back around

in her ten-gallon brim

to slide behind the wheel

Doesn't tell me where we're

going till we're parked and walking

out of the lot

up the block

arms linked

to see Patti Labelle

live at the Savoy

and I'm on my heels

all night screaming

through till the last song

running my fingers up the back of her neck

till the walls come down, tables break in half,

everybody's glass explodes

ice cubes hailing the city for miles

as Patti rains on

somewhere

over the rainbow

way up high

there's a

land that I dreamed of

once in a lulla-

bye.

[heartandmindtarot]

Every second Saturday, I post a video-recorded tarot pick-a-card reading that guides you on how to use the Law of Assumption to help you manifest your desires.

In this reading, we'll be looking at what is manifesting next with your creative endeavour and what you can do to manifest what you desire!

Head to my blog to find your tarot reading!

Remember: These are general tarot readings, so take the information that feels right for you in your heart.