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basicallywhiterice · 4 years

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Sugar quills: Lee Donghyuck (Haechan)

Pairing: Lee Donghyuck (Haechan) x Reader

Spinoff drabble here!

Genre: Harry Potter!au, Hogwarts!au, Slytherin!Donghyuck x Ravenclaw!reader, friends to lovers, one second of angst, fluff

Warnings: Cursing, like two dirty jokes

Word count: 5.5k

Summary: Sugar quills are sweet, but a certain Slytherin boy is sweeter.

a/n: Social distancing sucks, and you can suck on sugar quills, so here’s a Hogwarts au! (Not sure that metaphor worked lmao) This was originally going to be 2k at most, but I got carried away... I’m also emotionally invested in a very ambitious Mark Lee fic, so keep an eye out for that, too. Stream Kick It, and enjoy!

•••

The Yule Ball is next week, which means that you are in dire need of a dress. Of course, you could’ve ordered a dress weeks ago, but you run on procrastination like Jaemin runs on coffee. Besides, you only made the executive decision to go to the ball with your friends a few hours ago. Even if you don’t have a date (yet, although you’re working on that), it’s your 7th year at Hogwarts and last chance to attend, so fuck societal norms.

Right now, you’re strolling the streets of Hogsmeade, admiring the snowy trees and searching for a dress store that sells muggle styles like the ones you saw in magazines as a kid. You stop to peer into Honeydukes to see if they have any more sugar quills when a snowball hits your back.

“Hey!” You spin around to face a grinning Donghyuck, or Haechan, as he insists the teachers and students call him (they don’t). He’s carrying a gigantic bag of sweets in his left hand, making you wonder how he made a snowball in the first place. You relax once you see him, weighing your options. Sure, you could pull out your wand and dump a pile of snow on him, but that would be unnecessarily cruel. Plus, even after seven years at Hogwarts, you’re a muggle-born at heart and are still occasionally surprised by how easy and accessible magic is. Finally settling on pelting him in the nose with a leftover chunk of snow, you pretend to be annoyed even though you secretly have the urge to kiss his scrunched nose.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t y/n, the second-fastest person in our year to learn Apparition.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Thonghyuck, who only brags about being able to Apparate first because that’s the only thing he’s good at.” (It’s not. Donghyuck is good at a lot of things, including being smart and enthusiastic and good-looking and just… him… but you don’t tell him that unless he’s feeling down. Wouldn’t want to boost his ego even more.)

“Touché. What are you doing?” He falls in step beside you, bumping your shoulders together as you try to avoid slipping by leaning into his side.

“What does it look like? I’m walking.” You wait until he sighs and stops ramming into your side. “I’m trying to find a muggle-style dress for the Yule Ball.” For the tenth time today, you wonder if he has a date. You wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Luckily, you managed to find out from Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun that he doesn’t after ten minutes of them teasing you.

Donghyuck darts in front of you, grabbing your shoulders while his Honeydukes bag knocks against your arm, and practically shouts, “You have a date???”

You stare into his comically wide eyes. “Um, no?” He lets go of your shoulders but stays rooted to the ground, staring at you. You cross your arms defensively. “Even if I did, you don’t have to be so surprised about it.”

He shakes his head so vigorously that you worry he’ll give himself a concussion. And then his dramatic, sassy facade fades away to reveal his more authentic side. “No! I wasn’t surprised, I was just kind of shocked. I mean, I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, um… sorry.”

You’re grateful that the snow falls on your cheeks to alleviate the burning, but you feel an internal sting that you don’t think is caused by the cold. “You sure have a way with words.” Sidestepping him, you tug his hand so he keeps walking. “Why do you have twice as much candy as you normally buy?” You hope you sound nonchalant as you ask, “Are you bribing someone to go to the ball with you?” When he continues walking, you let go of his hand and stare straight ahead.

Your feelings toward Donghyuck aren’t crystal clear to you, but you know three things. Number one: you like him more than a friend. Number two: you were hoping to ask him to the Yule Ball. And number three: you’d be devastated if he went with someone else.

“I want to do a kind of promposal, since we’ll never go to prom and I only have one more chance to ask her. And we only have one more opportunity to go to this ball.”

You can tell he’s nervous, and your heart softens for him even as it hardens with jealousy. “I’m sure she’ll love it, Hyuck.” Normally, you would pester him and question who the unlucky girl was, but your heart’s not in it today.

Your words seem to give him some of his usual exuberance back. “Thanks. What stores are you going to? I wanna come with you.”

“Since when have you been interested in women’s dresses?”

He laughs at this, actually grabbing your elbow and turning to look at you. You’re disheartened after hearing about his plans to ask someone to the ball, but his laughter is so contagious that you unconsciously crack a smile. “I mean, if you’re interested in them, then I guess I am. But I’m looking for a suit. I don’t feel like wearing dress robes for an entire night.”

“I guess we’ll both be breaking dress code, then.”

“I like the sound of that. Breaking dress code, together.”

And then you forget about his potential dance partner. Despite occasionally being a dumbass, you’re not dense—you hope it’s you, and it wouldn’t be a huge stretch if it was. But you don’t want to ask in case it’s not, and in this moment, you don’t care. Nobody can take away the happiness this moment with Donghyuck gives you.

•••

Later, after Donghyuck demands that you show him all the dresses you’ve tried on and you demand that he presents all the suits he’s picked, you finally settle on a dress. It’s an elegant ball gown, a deep midnight black with silver designs embroidered into the floor-length skirt.

“I think this is the one, Hyuck.”

“Show me, and tell me what you think of this suit.”

You step out of the dressing room, and your jaw drops to the floor. Donghyuck always looks good, but this suit does wonders for him. He wears a low silver vest underneath a rich black suit, exposing a neatly buttoned dress shirt (basically his suit in Boom). His soft brown hair is parted to one side, exposing his forehead. He stops fiddling with a silk green tie once you stop next to him, leaving one hand at the knot of his tie while the other rests in his trousers pockets.

He looks so beautiful, you might cry.

Thankfully, he speaks before you have the chance to start sobbing. “You look amazing.” He casts an appreciative glance from head to toe.

This is fine. This heart rate is normal. “Thanks. This suit makes you look like a god.”

He steps closer, sets a gentle hand on your waist, and turns you to face a wall mirror. “Look,” you suddenly realize. “We’re matching. The silver in my skirt matches your vest.”

He leans toward you and places his lips near your ear. “No blue? That’s not very Ravenclaw of you.” You hope he can’t see goosebumps forming on your skin.

Slowly, you turn your entire body to face him. You’re inches apart, so close that your noses would brush if you leaned in. “I guess I’ll have to wear that blue necklace you got me. Wouldn’t want to let my house down.”

After what seems like an eternity of the two of you just standing there, ogling each other, he steps away, smoothing out his perfectly-ironed suit. “I think I’m getting this suit.”

“I think I’m getting this dress, too.” You hurry back into your dressing room, face uncomfortably hot and hands uncontrollably jittery. Thank goodness you already have a pair of heels in your dorm, because you’re not sure walking would be possible after that encounter.

•••

It’s Sunday, which also means the Yule Ball is six days away. You spend the day cooped up in your room, the library, and various houses’ commons rooms doing homework and scribbling out essays. When the clock hits seven, you call it a day and start focusing on more pressing issues.

“Seulgi, do I even ask Hyuck to the ball at this point? He’s planning a whole-ass promposal for someone, and there probably wouldn’t be a point in asking.”

Seulgi rolls over on your bed to face you, wearing a look of pure judgement. “Bitch, I thought us Ravenclaws were supposed to be smart.”

“Hear, hear!” Yeri pipes up from her bed, temporarily abandoning her white nail polish. You eye the bottle warily. It wouldn’t be the first time Yeri has spilled something on her bed. “Y/n, I know your one braincell is probably tired, but can you please tell it to think?”

You almost throw your stuffed Niffler at her, but choose to smash your face into it instead. “The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you don’t need to ask him because Donghyuck is asking you,” Wendy explains, not looking up from her journal.

“I mean, I hope he does, but you don’t know that,” you admit sadly, your words muffled by your Niffler plush.

Wendy scoffs. “You dumb bitch.”

“Be careful, Voldemort might be manipulating you with that journal,” you fire back.

“Y/n, you love to be in denial, but it’s pretty obvious that you and Donghyuck—Haechan, whatever, I don’t even know at this point—you two have a thing going on,” Seulgi speaks slowly, like you’re a preschooler who doesn’t have common sense. Which would honestly be pretty fair, but you’d like some proof that Donghyuck reciprocated your feelings.

You open your mouth, but Wendy cuts you off. “Don’t.” You stare in wonder as she continues journaling without even looking up to see your actions. “It’s not like you don’t have common sense. You got Yeri a date to the ball while she was being a coward—”

“Hey! I was not being a coward, I was being cautious!” Yeri sighs. “Great, I just messed up my nail,” she complains before flipping Wendy off with her smeared middle finger. She carefully picks up her wand and vanishes the offending nail polish.

“Anyways, you have common sense, you just never use it for yourself,” Wendy finishes. She finally looks up and her face softens when she sees the concern evident in your features. “Sweetie, you’re hanging out tonight, right? Just the two of you? Wouldn’t that be the perfect opportunity for him to ask you?”

“But we do that every week. Well, that’s also a good thing, but it doesn’t mean anything will happen tonight.”

Seulgi rests a hand on your shoulder. “Girl, we aren’t getting your hopes up. Don’t overthink it.”

You look around your dorm, grateful beyond words. “Thank you.” The three of them smile back at you, radiating nothing but encouragement and positivity.

“So what time are you meeting him tonight?”

“In fifteen minutes. Shit! I have to get ready!”

•••

You forgot to buy sugar quills on Saturday.

You realize this because you’re pacing around Ravenclaw’s common room, trying to steel your nerves, when you think fuck it, I need a drink. But the Three Broomsticks doesn’t sell alcohol to Hogwarts students and you’ve never really had a drink before, so your mindset changes to fuck it, I need a sugar quill. So you go back to the dorms to get a sugar quill, and you’re halfway up the stairs when you realize that you didn’t go to Honeydukes yesterday because you didn’t want to risk ruining your gorgeous dress. That’s when you hear Donghyuck yelling at the eagle knocker, and that’s when your mind goes fuck.

You race down the steps—catching yourself before you fumble over the last one—and open the door. “Hyuck, it’s not alive. Arguing with it won’t do anything.”

He still looks so beautiful that you might cry, but he looks softer compared to when he was in a suit. Warmer. Fluffier. His hair is messy and falls into his eyes, and he’s enveloped in a green Slytherin sweater.

“I was being a gentleman and telling it off for being pervy, so at least I was doing the right thing.”

“What?”

“It asked ‘what gets wetter the more it dries?’ And then I lectured it about being wet in a school full of minors.”

You laugh and step outside, closing the door to protect the ears of innocent first-year Ravenclaws. “It’s a sponge, Hyuck. The answer was a fucking sponge.”

“I know, but what’s the fun in that?” He grabs your hand and laces your fingers together and your brain short-circuits. Well, this is bolder than what he usually does, but no complaints. “C’mon, I planned something that I think you’ll like.”

He guides you down Ravenclaw Tower’s spiral staircase and the only response you can come up with is “I like whatever I’m doing as long as I’m with you.” Your_Brain.exe may have stopped working, but once it restarted—confident and flirty mode: activated.

Donghyuck stops and turns in front of you, facing you so that you’re one step taller than him. Since you’re finally taller than him, you’re about to comment on this height difference and question what he’s doing when he asks, “What about doing me? Would you like that?”

You let go of his hand and rest your hands behind his neck. “Take me out to dinner first, loverboy.”

His bemused expression is priceless, like he wasn’t expecting you to answer so quickly. Or at all. “Come on, Hyuck,” you brush past him as he gapes at you. “I thought you were taking me somewhere fun?” you ask when you reach the bottom of the stairs. He hasn’t moved an inch, and you giggle when he finally makes it down the steps.

You reach for his hand when he stops next to you, beaming when he raises your interlocked hands to his mouth and presses a light kiss on your knuckles. “I am, although I’m afraid it’s not out to dinner. Maybe next time.” And just like that, he whisks you off again.

You’re being bold tonight. To be honest, you have no idea where all of this flirty banter is coming from in your mind. Maybe Seulgi, Yeri, and Wendy boosted your confidence. Maybe you regret not doing something in the dress shop. Maybe Donghyuck never holds your hand, meaning he’s definitely up to something (and you hope with all your heart that he planned a promposal for you), but he always looks at you with this kind of adoration and tenderness and you only realized it now.

Maybe you’re both being bold tonight.

Donghyuck stops in front of a wall on the seventh floor. You glance over at him quizzically, but he closes his eyes and looks concentrated, so you just admire his side profile instead. A door appears out of nowhere and he opens his eyes.

“How did you summon a door? Did I miss this lesson in Transfiguration?”

“I didn’t summon it, it’s kinda weird. It’s called the Room of Requirement, and it appears with what you need on the inside. Only a few people know about it. Pretty cool, right?”

“I’ve never heard of that before. I wanna see what it’s like in there.”

Your free hand moves toward the doorknob, but Donghyuck stops you. “Wait.” He envelopes your hand with his free hand and hesitantly meets your eyes. “You haven’t… found a date to the ball since yesterday, right?”

You smile so hard that your face hurts, but you can’t stop. “Of course not. I have pretty high standards for my date to my last Yule Ball, you know. He has to ask me with a promposal to show that he’s a man of culture.”

He beams, and the sun is suddenly jobless. He lets go of your hands, opens the door, and bows. “After you, m’lady.”

The room’s lights are off. Donghyuck enters after you, shutting the door and plunging the room into complete darkness. A spotlight turns on after a few seconds, illuminating the center of the room.

You laugh when you see what spotlight shines on. A group of sugar quills floats in mid-air, spelling out the word “quill.” Below, a sign framed with a dozen or so writing quills reads “you go to the ball with me?” Read together, the display asks: “Quill you go to the ball with me?”

Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun emerge from the sides and you lean over from laughing too hard. Jaemin has a white feather stuck in his hair, while Jeno is full-out dressed in a quill costume, complete with wisps of what looks like white yarn adorning his sides. Renjun looks very thankful to be wearing regular clothes.

The three of them approach you. Jeno and Jaemin go to your sides, each carrying a quill in a quill holder. Jeno’s holder contains a sheet of paper that says ‘yes’, while Jaemin’s holder contains a sheet of paper saying ‘no’. Renjun steps in front of you and holds an inkwell between the two trays.

Donghyuck stands behind Renjun with a piece of parchment above his head. The paper has two boxes reading ‘yes’ and ‘no’.

You don’t hesitate to take Jeno’s quill, dipping it in Renjun’s inkwell. The three boys step aside, allowing you to walk toward Donghyuck, who lowers the parchment to mid-chest level so you can check your answer easily.

You don’t check either box at first. Instead, you implore with a warm smile: “If I delay this, do I get to see Jeno in his quill costume longer?”

Jeno groans. “I lost a round of rock, paper, scissors and I’m trying to be a good wingman. Check the box already, y/n.”

So you mark the ‘yes’ box. Donghyuck’s smile makes you feel like you’re the only people in the room and you step closer, ready to press a kiss to his cheek and maybe somewhere else too—

The moment is interrupted by the other boys’ cheers. Jeno takes off his quill costume and throws it at Donghyuck, yelling, “I told you she would say yes!” Turning toward you, he starts to expose Donghyuck explain. “He was so nervous before this, that was the only reason I wore that stupid thing, you should’ve seen him—”

“He asked us to be here instead of just enchanting the quills and inkwell and stuff because he needed our moral support,” Jaemin cuts in, pulling Donghyuck away from you and into a headlock. He fusses with Donghyuck’s hair and coos at his flushed face.

“This boy is so whipped,” Renjun not-so-inconspicuously whispers to you. Giving your lovestruck expression a quick glance, he adds, “and so are you.”

Donghyuck wrestles Jaemin off of him and pulls you away from Renjun, wrapping you in his arms and pressing a light kiss to your forehead. “Just because I’m not in Gryffindor with Jaemin doesn’t mean I’m not brave.”

You rest your head in the crook of his neck, content.

When Donghyuck walks you back to Ravenclaw’s dorms after curfew, he holds your hand again. You both attempt to keep your voices down to avoid Filch, but honestly, you don’t care at this point. After you reach the top of Ravenclaw Tower, you both stop, awkwardly wondering what to do next.

You break the silence. “Thanks for all these sugar quills.” You hold up the bag of quills he gifted you, giving it a little shake. “How did you know my hidden stash ran out?”

“I kind of kept distracting you on the way back from Hogsmeade yesterday so you didn’t get any from Honeydukes. Did you like the whole… promposal? I wasn’t sure if you wanted to go with me or someone else, but you seemed kind of jealous after I mentioned taking someone yesterday? Like I don’t want to pressure you into anything…”

You place the bag of sugar quills on the ground and place a hand on the side of his face. He stops talking. “The girls were making fun of me for being dumb, so I guess we’re dumb together. I liked the promposal, Hyuck.” You wait a beat longer before adding, “I like you.”

When Seulgi tells you ‘I told you so’, Yeri cheers that everyone in your dorm has a date to the ball, Wendy shakes her head with a knowing smile, and all three press you to spill the tea later that night, you won’t be able to tell them who started it or how it happened. All you know is that one moment, you and Donghyuck are standing there, not moving, and in the next moment, you’re kissing.

Your mind goes blank, but you react immediately, leaning into him and kissing him back. It’s soft and sweet and completely natural. There are no butterflies in your stomach, but a warm feeling of utter happiness fills you. You let go of Donghyuck’s hand to curl an arm around his neck, and he rests his hands on your waist, tugging you closer. You sigh into the kiss and thread your fingers through his hair. It’s over as suddenly as it started, but this time, there’s no awkwardness when you look at Donghyuck.

Standing there, with his face basking in the light from the torches and his arms around you, he looks like a dream come true.

You pick up your bag. “Goodnight, Donghyuck.” You press your lips to his again, briefly.

He pulls you in for one final kiss before stepping back. “Goodnight, y/n.”

•••

Donghyuck spends much more time with you in the days leading up to the Yule Ball. He takes you to visit the Room of Requirement when you ask him, cuddles with you while you read through your Potions notes, and always gives you goodnight kisses when he walks you back to your dorm. Of course, you try to avoid flaunting these displays of affection in front of other people. You wouldn’t want to be that couple who makes out in public.

But that’s the problem. You have no idea if you’re a couple or not. He hasn’t said if he’s liked you back, and he hasn’t even mentioned taking you out on a date yet. You don’t say anything because you’re trying not to rush things, but come Friday, when you slip into your ballgown, you’re still not sure what your relationship is with him.

You do Yeri’s hair as Wendy does your hair as Seulgi does Wendy’s hair as Yeri does Seulgi’s hair. Yeri casts a spell to make Seulgi’s hair form a heart on top of her head and you giggle, prompting her to turn around, suspicious. “Quit moving,” Yeri complains, cheeky as ever. “I can’t make your hair pretty if you’re always moving around.”

“I’m already pretty,” Seulgi retorts, but stays still. You couldn’t agree more.

Wendy did an amazing job with your hair, which is voluminous and silky and tied half-up with a piece of green silk that matches Donghyuck’s tie. It frames your face, and when you finish applying your makeup, you feel like a Disney princess. It’s times like these when you’re thankful you splurged on your shared full-length mirror. “Ooh, I look fabulous.” Looking around the room, you feel the need to amend your statement. “We all look fabulous.”

“Yes the fuck we do!” calls Yeri.

After you slip on your heels and put on your blue necklace, you’re ready. You take tons of pictures as you wait for your dates to show up, and your poses get more outlandish as time goes on. Seulgi is attempting to sit in a middle split and persuading Wendy to try it with her when your dates arrive.

You help Seulgi to her feet as Suho, a fellow Ravenclaw, approaches her. She pushes you toward Donghyuck, and that’s when you get your first good look at him.

He’s as stunning as ever, looking even better than he did in the dress shop. His hair is slicked away from his forehead (no fortune cookie hair for this event!), making his face appear sharper, his nose more prominent and his jawline more defined. You can see hints of glittering eyeshadow on the edges of his eyelids.

He pulls you close by your waist, plants a kiss on your nose, and lifts your necklace. “Pretty.”

You give his shoulder a light shove. “Me or the necklace?”

“Can’t it be both?”

“No, because you picked out the necklace, so you’re biased toward it.”

He sighs dramatically. “Well, I guess I can’t be biased toward you, because no matter how lovely I think you are, you blow me away every time I see you.”

You blush. “Thanks. You look very handsome tonight.”

“Only tonight?” He doesn’t let you out of his embrace, pouting, until you peck his cheek. You slip your hand into the crook of his arm and descend down Ravenclaw Tower’s stairs.

“You always look handsome, but you knew that already.”

“Fair point. Oh!” He stops you. “I almost forgot. Here,” he fishes around in his pockets and pulls out a small bouquet of flowers, “is your corsage. You know, since this is kind of prom.”

You extend your wrist and he slides the navy blue flowers with dark green leaves on. He hands you his boutonniere for you to place in his lapel. “I love it, Donghyuck. Did you pick this out with our house colors in mind?”

“Yeah. I charmed it to match with your necklace, too. See?”

“You’re so thoughtful, Hyuck.” You’re pretty sure you have heart eyes right now, but no one else is around to tease you about it.

You reach the Great Hall. Yeri pulls you toward the entrance for group pictures, and after she gets them, she pushes you away to take individual pictures with Renjun.

“You’re welcome! Without me, you would’ve been a dateless coward!” You tease Yeri, who sticks her tongue out at you. Renjun blushes and directs her attention back to Seulgi and Taeyong, the designated photographers. “Do you wanna get pictures now or later?” you ask Donghyuck.

“How about later? The staff dance is about to start, and I want to see McGonagall and Flitwick together.”

McGonagall and Flitwick turn out to be surprisingly elegant dancers. Flitwick charms his shoes to levitate in mid-air and he glides along with minimal effort.

The first students’ dance follows the staff dance, and waltzing with Donghyuck is magical. After countless other dances, your feet start to hurt. He leads you to a table, makes sure you’re comfortable, and leaves to get you some punch.

You kick off your heels (stream Kick It) and transfigure them into a pair of much more comfortable flats. As you slip them back on, Seungmin, a fellow Ravenclaw in your year, sits down next to you.

“Hi y/n! How’s your night been?”

“Hey Seungmin! It’s been wonderful so far. I can’t believe I was stressing about finding a date just a week ago. How are you liking the ball so far?”

“It’s been pretty fun. We dared Hyunjin to ask Sprout to dance, and he’s over there asking her right now,” he points toward the staff’s table. Sure enough, Hyunjin has his hands clasped around Sprout’s right hand, pleading her to dance with him. “By the way, I can’t believe Donghyuck took so long to ask you. I’m sure you would’ve found a date earlier, but there’s obviously an unspoken rule about you being Donghyuck’s girl, and I doubt very many people would want to be on the receiving end of one of his hexes.”

Well, this is news to you. “I had no idea—oh shit,” you exclaim as Sprout stands up from her seat. Hyunjin escorts her to the dance floor. “He really did that.”

Seungmin shakes his head in disbelief. “I have to get this on camera.” He stands up, then realizes that he’s cutting your conversation short. “Oh, sorry—”

You wave him off. “Go record him. Send me a video when you get it.”

“Thanks, y/n. Have fun!”

“You too!” You wave as he disappears from sight. As if on cue, Donghyuck materializes by your side.

“You changed your shoes,” he notes, handing you a glass of punch. You down it in one go, suddenly jittery. How long has everyone shipped you with him? “Dang. You wanna get out of here?”

You clear your throat. “Yeah, that’d be awesome. Can we go to the Room of Requirement?”

“Of course. Gimme a sec.” He tips back his head and finishes his punch, and you’d never admit it but you stare at his neck for an embarrassingly long amount of time. You stand up, still staring. He notices but doesn’t comment on it, taking your cup and throwing it away with a cheeky smile instead. He rests an arm around your waist when he returns, dipping his head to plant a kiss on your temple. “Ready?”

You nod. “What do you want the room to have?”

“Maybe a bed…” He laughs at your unamused expression. “Kidding. Besides, I haven’t taken you out to dinner yet, remember?”

“You little shit. Speaking of food, how was the snack bar?”

“It was pretty good. You want to come back later for snacks?”

“Maybe. I think I’ll survive for now.” You turn to look at him. “You know, since you’re the only snacc I need.”

•••

Donghyuck wishes for a balcony, you wish for scented candles, and the room gives you a balcony lined with candles. It even scatters a few flower petals on the parapet as a finishing touch.

“Classy,” Donghyuck remarks as you both step onto the ledge. He stands facing you, leaning forward so your foreheads touch.

You take a deep breath, smooth your hands down his suit, and summon some Gryffindor-level bravery. “Earlier, Seungmin said something about how I was your girl. The funny thing is, I don’t remember you asking me to be your girlfriend.”

He freezes. “Did I not ask you? Shit, I forgot.” He takes a step back, eyes wide. His hands fly up to massage his temple. He starts pacing while running his hands through his hair, muttering a string of curse words and the occasional ‘how did I forget’.

“Hyuck,” you laugh, relieved. You reach for his shoulders, trying to calm him down. He stops walking but keeps ruffling his hair with a distraught expression, his eyes flickering from your face to the side to the ground. “Donghyuck,” you say again. Slowly cupping his face, your gaze roams his face, taking in his full cheeks and sloping nose before stopping on his lips. As you flick your eyes up to meet his, you smile. “It’s ok if you forgot, just ask me now.”

He swallows. In that moment, snow falls outside, and you fall even harder for the boy standing in front of you. His hands grasp yours and remove them from his face. Then he kneels down on one knee (a bit exaggeratedly in your opinion) and declares, “Y/n l/n, I’ve liked you since the day you visited me in the infirmary in fifth year. Actually, it was probably earlier than that, but that was when I finally accepted that I had a big fat crush on you.”

You remember that day. During a Quidditch game with Ravenclaw, a stray Bludger knocked him off his broom seconds after he caught the Snitch. He ended up in Madam Pomfrey’s care with a broken arm. You had visited him, worried half to death. Even as he teased you for caring about him, you made sure he was comfortable and didn’t have a concussion. When you left, you gave him a bag of his favorite lollipops from Honeydukes with a note that read ‘If you die, I’ll kill you. Get well soon xoxo <3 <3’. The lovey-dovey part was only written half-jokingly.

“And I know I’m an idiot for not telling you this sooner, but maybe I can be your idiot, so will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes, I’d love to.” He swoops down to kiss you firmly as soon as the words leave your mouth, and you respond by tugging him closer by his tie. The way he holds you makes you positively melt. You’re not the only lovestruck person on that balcony, though, because even when you pull away, Donghyuck refuses to let you go.

“I’m lucky to have you,” you admit.

“No, I’m the lucky one here.”

“I know, I’m quite the catch.” You wink and he laughs and he kisses you again and again and again.

Later, Donghyuck walks you back to your room so you can change and cuddle with him properly. You bring a sugar quill with you because a bitch is hungry and that bitch is you.

He steals your quill every five minutes so he can kiss you, but you don’t mind.

Sugar quills are sweet, but a certain Slytherin boy named Lee Donghyuck is sweeter.

309 notes · View notes

troutfishinginmusic · 3 years

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The story of Grass Records: From Brainiac to Wind-Up and Creed

Images via Grass of ’96 compilation

Everything isn’t available in the streaming era. There are notable gaps in the seemingly bottomless amount of music currently available. Some of the most noticeable exclusions are albums released on Grass Records.

If you’re a fan of ’90s indie music, this short-lived New York label mattered. Though sometimes dismissed as a sibling label to Homestead Records, Grass released over 60 full-length albums ranging from pop to punk to noise to experimental music. It raised the profile of influential bands like Brainiac, Toadies and the Wrens.

The amazing thing about the label is how consistent it is. Every time I thought I was done with this article, I would listen to a band like Baboon and be completely blown away. These are all fascinating, idiosyncratic bands. This is more incredible considering the label was only around for about four years.

Much of this music is hard to find. The odd song might be lingering on YouTube, but you’re almost better off looking at your local record store or ordering from Discogs.

Why are the albums in this weird limbo? Mostly because the monied interest who bought the label in 1996 thought it wasn’t yielding a big enough return on the investment. Grass was gutted and rebranded into post-grunge/nu metal giant Wind-Up. Money poured in and these wonderfully weird records were swept to the side.

The following interviews were conducted via email, Facebook messenger and phone over the last few months. Quotes from the interviews have been edited for style/clarity. I’m eternally grateful to everyone who got back to me. I am also willing to expand this story if more former Grass artists want to reach out. If you’re one of these artists, my email is at the bottom of this story.

Seedlings

“I started in the music business purely by chance,” said Camille Sciara, who founded Grass Records.

Sciara got her start working at Record World in New York as a second job and became friendly with the store’s buyer. After attending a manager training program, she moved on to become a manager of the store. Her second job became her first.

“Then, after two years there, I became bored managing a record store and my friend Mike, the buyer, told me about Dutch East India,” Sciara said. “I started there as a salesperson and, after a year of sales, became the buyer when that position opened up. I never envisioned starting a label.”

While working as a buyer at Dutch East India Trading a friend sent her a Toadies cassette. She “loved it” and started Grass in 1993 to release it.

Grass released the Toadies EP Pleather soon after, which contained an early version of the band’s inescapable alternative hit “Possum Kingdom.” After Pleather, the band scored a major label deal with Interscope. The platinum-selling Rubberneck arrived in 1994.

“They did really well on their first major release,” Sciara said in an email interview. “But then it appeared that Interscope just dropped the ball or lost interest. They were such a great band live, I never understood how they weren't huge stars. And super cool people.”

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Tall grass

Sciara would go on to sign unique and influential bands like Brainiac and The Wrens.

“Since I had never run a label before, I was going purely on how much I liked what they submitted,” Sciara said. “Obviously not the best business model for running a label, but for the money we offered it worked to some respect. The longer I ran the label, the more I understood what was needed from them [the bands] regarding can they tour etc.”

There were few bands of the 90s that radiated weirdo energy as brightly and brilliantly as Brainiac. The documentary Transmissions from Zero chronicles the significant impact the band had on the music scene at the time. It also shows a band on the brink of mainstream success. Brainiac released two albums on Grass, Smack Bunny Baby and Bonsai Superstar, before departing for Touch & Go. The band’s forward motion was sadly cut short by Tim Taylor’s death in 1997. Prior to this, Interscope was expressing interest in the band.

“If Tim hadn't passed I'm pretty sure they'd have been the biggest [band on the label],” Sciara said.

Original Brainiac guitarist Michelle Bodine said Grass’ association with Dutch East India made the label initially attractive.

“[Camille] was super excited about us and we had total creative freedom,” Bodine said. “We also liked the 2-record deal with the option of 3 contract.”

After leaving Brainiac, Bodine would go on to play guitar and sing in O-Matic. The band released its lone album Dog Years in 1996. The album is one of the overlooked gems of the ’90s.

The Wrens’ influence reverberated in more subtle ways. The band’s first two albums, Silver (1994) and Secaucus (1996), provided a blueprint for much of the post-Pixies landscape of ’90s indie rock. They could’ve been much bigger, but still made a significant impression.

“The depth of realization in this record is unparalleled: every angle is perfected,” Pitchfork founder Ryan Schreiber said about Secaucus. The band’s third long awaited album, Meadowlands, dropped in 2001 and received a “Best New Music” tag from the same publication.

Rumblings of a follow-up to Meadowlands have been thrown around for the last 10 years, but a record has yet to materialize.

The level of talent the label had was staggering. A few groups Sciara thought would be bigger ranged from the Irish dream-pop band Chimera to Georgia punk band Sunbrain. “There's more, it would be long list,” Sciara said.

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New shoots

Baltimore

Baltimore punk band Liquor Bike had released one album before signing a two-record deal with Grass. The band’s first release on the label was Neon Hoop Ride in 1993. Liquor Bike was excited to be on the label because of the Homestead Records connection.

“We loved being on Grass, we toured like crazy,” singer/guitarist David Koslowski said. “We had great booking with Creature Booking.”

Between the booking agency, which had done work with Nirvana, Helmet, the Lunachicks and Jesus Lizard; and the new label things were looking up for the band. The band would have posters up in whatever towns they were playing in and mentions in the local paper. The label would keep them up to date if they had to do things like impromptu radio interviews. When they got off the road, they entered the studio to record The Beauty of Falling Apart. During this time Alan Meltzer, who bought the label from Sciara in 1996, entered the picture.

“At the onset we were pretty psyched because this guy’s got major label distribution,” Koslowski said.

It also helped that Sciara stayed on after the transition.

“We could still work with Camille, who we love,” Koslowski said. “We slept at Camille’s house when we would play up in New York. She’s an amazingly nice, sweet person and very giving.”

Koslowski said the band was given significantly more to record the follow-up based on buzz the band was getting at the time. J Robbins, of Jawbox and Burning Airlines fame, did the cover art and Drew Mazurek produced the album. The band even hired John Lay, who had previously worked with Squeeze, to manage the band.

“By that point we were having decent guarantees,” Koslowski said. “Those two years when I was on Grass I barely worked a real job. I wasn’t making a rockstar living or anything, but I was certainly able to pay my rent and utilities.”

Liquor Bike went on tour with Gas Huffer to promote the forthcoming record. On the tour Koslowski noticed there weren’t posters out and the band didn’t receive write-ups in the local press. To make matters worse, they never received CDs of The Beauty of Falling Apart to sell at shows. Koslowski said Grass had promised this.

“We were pretty confused," Koslowski said. “I mean our record had been mastered already, everything had been sent to the factory.”

Lay soon informed the band Sciara had been fired and the band had been dropped. Koslowski said the band decided to stay on the tour even after being kicked off the label. The band had old records and T-shirts to sell. They had put a lot of work into the tour and didn’t want to waste it.

Liquor Bike eventually released its third album on Merkin after failed meetings with Amphetamine Reptile, Columbia and Interscope. It was the band’s last before the members went their separate ways.

Seade was another band on on Grass that was unfortunately overlooked. Their lone album (Perf) is an underrated ’90s classic.

Prior to Meltzer, Koslowski said that he didn’t think there was any favoritism toward any one band despite the label being so prolific.

“I just think the woman loved music and wanted to spread that out to people,” Koslowski said of Sciara. “I think she legitimately wanted to help people, you know, help these bands out. She was nothing but giving.”

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Omaha

Mousetrap, an Omaha-based punk band, hoped to initially get a deal with Homestead when it sent in two 7” singles.

“Camille really liked our singles and got in touch with us.” Patrick Buchanan, Mousetrap’s singer/guitarist said in an email interview. “We developed a great relationship with her, and eventually she offered to sign us — we were given the opportunity to sign either with Homestead OR with Grass, which was a brand-new label at the time.”

Buchanan said the band thought it would possibly get overlooked in Homestead’s large stable of well-established bands and decided to sign with Grass. He also said Sciara made a large difference.

“Camille was one of the coolest people we had ever met in ‘the business’ – she just seemed really genuine, straightforward and honest,” he said. “Those are the types of people we wanted to work with. So our relationship with Camille was probably the main thing that made us sign with Grass.”

Mousetrap would go on to release three albums on the label, starting with Cerebral Revolver in 1993. The band was a big influence on Commander Venus, an Omaha band featuring a young Connor Oberst.

“They were definitely a big deal in Omaha and everybody loved them,” Oberst said of Mousetrap in an episode of the Turned Out a Punk podcast earlier this year.

Commander Venus came in contact with Grass through Mousetrap. The band signed to the label when Oberst was only 14. The band also featured Rob Nansel, who would go on to co-found Saddle Creek Records. Oberst said the band recorded its first album, Do You Feel At Home, in 1995.

“That was a good experience and a learning experience,” Oberst said. “I also think it kind of made it more apparent that even if you do get an opportunity like that, you know, you’re a little fish in a big pond. And maybe people aren’t going to work as hard or care about it.”

He said that this was mitigated by having the support system of a local scene in Omaha. The band ended up releasing its 1995 debut on Lumberjack, which later became Saddle Creek. The band released one more album, The Uneventful Vacation, before Oberst formed Bright Eyes.

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Promoting growth

Alan Meltzer came into the picture with a retail background. He had previously owned Titus Oaks Records in Long Island. He went on to found CD One Stop in 1985, which was purchased by Alliance in 1993. Meltzer became Alliance’s president during this time but left the company in 1995. Meltzer acquired Grass in 1995 from Dutch East India Trading (the label’s owner/distributor), finalizing major label distribution through BMG in 1996.

“When I heard the Grass repertoire, I almost fell down,” Meltzer said in a 1996 Billboard Magazine article. “I heard so much good material.”

“Alan was shopping around looking to purchase an established label with an extensive catalog that he could pour endless money into,” Sciara said. “He originally wanted Homestead Records. A great label owned by Dutch East as well. But once he saw the contracts and issues with some of the ‘grey’ areas in them, he then moved on to Grass.”

Meltzer did have some legitimate interest in the label as an artistic venture.

“He absolutely was obsessed with the Wrens once he heard them and Commander Venus,” Sciara said. “He was sure with all his resources, money and big ass staff he could make them huge stars. He failed. Not the bands’ fault.”

Grass would have the name (and credibility) of an indie, but the corporate reach of a major. Meltzer looked at the new situation as the best of both worlds.

“We’re not a major label, but we’re not an undercapitalized, disorganized independent that’s out there on a wing and prayer,” Meltzer said. “We’re somewhere in the middle. We’re staffed, we have the organization, and we’ve got the know-how. I opted for major distribution because the majors are better at it.”

Grass kept Sciara on as a VP of A&R (artists and repertoire) and expanded Grass’ workforce to 20 in-house employees, according to the Billboard article. The label’s future looked bright. Bodine left Brainiac and formed O-Matic (also signed to Grass) when the change happened.

“…It seemed better – they had a nice office in Manhattan with an open stairwell area and glass walls,” Bodine said. “It was very modern and cool. The budget was much bigger. They hired more people and we felt like we had a good support system.”

“When we went there it felt like money,” Koslowski said.

Koslowski only met Meltzer once at a Grass Christmas party.

“He was a typical New York money guy when I met him,” Koslowski said. “I didn’t get a good vibe. He didn’t have that indie spirit that Camille had unfortunately.”

The meeting didn’t go well.

“I remember drinking a bit and messing with him,” Koslowski said. “I said ‘hey Alan I wanted to see if I could run this by you. You know that new Liquor Bike record we’re working on? We got the artwork but we just wanted to run the title by you and make sure it’s cool. We want to call it Eat My Fuck Asshole.’”

Meltzer and his wife were horrified, according to Koslowski.

Yellowing, patchy

In an oral history with Stereogum, Wrens bassist and singer Kevin Whelan said the band was picking up steam.

“So Secaucus came out and it started to do somewhat well and “Surprise Honeycomb” was starting to get recognized and played on different shows, and we thought that international fame was around the corner,” Whelan said.

And then the call came in.

“He [Meltzer] said, ‘Well, boys, I’m not going to give you any more money. If you don’t sign with me today, it’s over.’ So, I remember, we sat in the van, we looked at the empty gas tank and we were like, ‘Well, I guess we’re not signing, let’s get the credit cards out and see how we can get home.’”

According to the Wrens’ website bio, Meltzer wasn’t pleased.

“[Meltzer], infuriated, commences layoffs of involved record company personnel and vows that ‘the next band to walk through that door will be made famous – at any cost,’” the bio states. “The next band through the door is Creed. Grass Records becomes Wind-Up Records. Creed becomes famous at any cost.”

By the time of the Wind-Up transition, Moustrap had already fulfilled its contract when it released its third album The Dead Air Sound System.

“At that time, Mousetrap was not very active,” Buchanan said. “I think we had become rather disheartened by how much time and love we put into the band, while getting very little recognition on any type of national level. At that point we were physically and mentally exhausted by constant touring and recording, with very little in the way of tangible success to show for it. So we didn’t really have any relationship with the label by the time it became Wind-Up.”

When the label wasn’t as successful as Meltzer thought, he brought in Steve Lerner. This was effectively the end of Grass Records.

“I was let go along with 8 to 10 others when Meltzer brought in Steve Lerner to run the company,” Sciara said. “The new staff felt Grass was too much related to me so hence a name change.”

“With Lerner serving as his right-hand man, the duo transformed Wind-up into a $100 million-plus sales operation with multi-platinum acts like Evanescence and Creed,” a 2007 Billboard article said.

Death, new high-yield crops

Grass was rebranded as Wind-Up, a key player in the nu metal and post-grunge universe, in 1997. Many of the Grass bands were dropped to make room for the likes of Finger Eleven, Creed and Evanescence. Meltzer, who ran the label with his wife at the time Diana, finally found his cash machine.

“I was extremely happy because, although Creed was a mega-seller and saved his label, I wanted nothing to do with that and the direction the label was taking,” Sciara said. “Not knocking it. You need artists like that to sustain a label that had an enormous payroll and nice offices. I totally get it, it’s a business. But I was happy running a small label with smaller contacts and cooler bands that didn't have to compromise their sound to write a ‘hit.’ That’s what he was always looking for.”

The transition to Wind-Up in 1997 did have some overlap with former Grass artists. The second Commander Venus album was released by Wind-Up and Thick (with a later release on Saddle Creek). Pollen, a rough-edged pop-punk act that had released two albums on Grass, dropped Peach Tree on Wind-Up. Baboon’s sophomore album Secret Robot Control was also released in 1997 on the new label.

Slowpoke’s Virgin Stripes, the final vestige of Grass Records, was a co-release with DGC in 1998. The album didn’t break the band, but it’s not a stretch to imagine it could have (especially since it boasted a song as infectious as “Belladonna”). The album retains some of band’s outsider noisy energy, but delivers it in a package palatable enough for the post-grunge crowd. Past this point, Wind-Up focused mostly on its new sound.

Koslowski didn’t initially know Wind-Up was the successor to Grass. One day someone mentioned to him that he was labelmates with Creed.

“I was like ‘wow, OK I guess he got his hit,’” Koslowski said.

Meltzer died in 2011 at 67. He made headlines by leaving $1 to his chauffeur and $500,000 to his doorman. Bodine saw this as frustrating because of how he left things with other Grass bands.

“He owed lots of bands money so it’s just really fucked up that he didn’t pay them/us. Liquor Bike did get theirs before he died only because they were persistent,” said Bodine.

In 2013 Wind-Up was purchased by Bicycle Music Company with distribution by Concord Music Group. In 2015 the two companies merged to form Concord Bicycle Music. Craft Recordings manages the label’s reissues.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/wZBpr1tDktI

Rare strain

Aside from Brainiac and The Wrens, many of the bands on the label aren’t on streaming platforms. The physical releases on Grass are mostly out of print. A sea of fantastic experimental indie music remains in this gray area. This doesn’t seem to be changing.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue about if there are plans of Wind-Up re-releasing any back catalog,” Sciara said. “It’s sad really. Holding peoples’ artistic work hostage or just ignoring it seems cruel. Hopefully Wind-Up did the right thing and gave them back their masters, rights etc. Or at least license it to someone else to release.”

The three Mousetrap albums are stuck in this place.

“I wish more people had the chance to hear our music, so yeah I wish it was easily available,” said Buchanan. “Sure, we wanted to be popular — but the most important thing for us was that we made the music we wanted to make. We always did things our way — for ourselves, with no regrets. So even if the albums are harder to get, we’ll always have the memories — and those who were there to witness it will, too.”

Liquor Bike’s lawyer was able to secure the master tapes and artwork for The Beauty of Falling Apart with no questions asked. The band also has the master tapes for Neon Hoop Ride.

“Crazily enough, Grass did not make us buy Beauty of Falling Apart from them,” Koslowski said. “I have heard from some of my fellow Grass artists that they wanted to charge an incredible amount of money.”

Neon Hoop Ride was remastered and briefly available on streaming services. The album was only available digitally and did not get a physical rerelease.

Greener pastures

Following her departure from Grass, Sciara started Ten23 (Oct. 23, 1996 was the day she was fired from Grass). The label released The Wren’s EP 1135 before folding.

“It seemed like a great idea,” she said. “Didn't put out anything else after that release. It was an expensive endeavor starting a label from scratch, so to speak, and at the time I was unemployed.”

From there she went on to work at the Knitting Factory label group and eventually Narnack Records. She uprooted from N.Y. to move to L.A. to work at the latter. She eventually ended up back in N.Y. where she was a manager at Petland Discounts for 12 years until it closed in 2019.

Buchanan has gone on to release music as Vicious Lovers. Mousetrap has plans to release new music for the first time in 20 years according to Buchanan. Some of Mousetrap’s music can be streamed here:

Michelle Bodine went on to play guitar in Shesus, which was signed to Narnack. The band released an album and an EP before splitting up. Bodine has since been participating in Brainiac reunion shows and was featured in the Brainiac documentary Transmissions from Zero.

David Koslowski went on to play in the post-rock band Vivid Low Sky and the power-pop band Gerty. He currently owns a coffee shop/record store in Baltimore called Baby’s on Fire.

“I loved every aspect of being on Grass, except for the very end,” Koslowski said. “I also loved how diverse Camille had the label. A lot of friends from that time from those bands, I’m still friends with them. It was like a really cool little group of people that all got to share in something for as brief of a time period as it was.”

If you have questions, information or concerns I can be reached at [email protected].

CORRECTION: A previous version of this article spelled David’s last name as Kozlowski. It’s actually Koslowski. Also, J. Robbins just did the cover art for the band’s third album. Drew Mazurek actually produced it. Godplow is a great band but they’re from Minneapolis, not Baltimore.

#grassrecords #indie #90s #brainiac #thewrens #mousetrap #liquorbike #baboon #toadies #omatic

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lawrenceop · 3 years

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HOMILY for The Baptism of the Lord (B)

Isa 55:1-11; Isa 12:2-6; 1 Jn 5:1-9; Mark 1:7-11

Many things have been missing since the pandemic began. Right now, for example, because our community is in self-isolation due to sickness, I am, once again, missing having people here in church worshipping God alongside us Dominicans. But I hope that at least some of those who are missing can be helped in however small a way by this livestream. But like so many other new measures being undertaken at this time, it’s all too virtual, too distant, and ultimately too inhuman and sometimes, even inhumane.

For we are bodily, relational, physical persons, which is why we long to touch, taste, smell, feel, and hear. Sight and mental ideas, though important, we realise are just not enough, which is why a live-streamed Mass or Zooming in to ‘visit’ our grandparents is never sufficient but all too limited and limiting. If there’s anything we can realise more deeply in the midst of this pandemic, it’s that we are human beings, a unique combination of the bodily-physical and the spiritual-psychological, and so we need to be sustained, and nourished, and kept healthy in both body and soul altogether. Many of the debates and disagreements we’ve had at this time as Catholics have revolved around the unique difficulties of being human and staying humane, of serving both body and soul, of having a care for the whole human person.

It seems to me that, although we can be grateful for the applications that our modern technology enables, nevertheless all our solutions, being solutions devised by other frail human beings and being dependent on soulless machines, are fatally limited.

The reason we celebrate Christmas, and the focus of this Christmastide season which ends today with this Feast of the Lord’s Baptism, is all about God’s solution for humanity’s fundamental sickness, a pandemic that has plagued us since Adam and Eve sinned against the wisdom and goodness of God, choosing, somewhat irrationally, to follow their own limited knowhow to find happiness over and above God’s way, which is the way of self-giving love. God’s solution for the sickness of sin, therefore, takes into account our human condition, our human nature, which is a rational, intelligent, thinking nature, capable of knowing truth and of choosing to do good. God’s solution for the plight of humanity, therefore, is altogether perfectly humane and is perfectly suited to our being human. For our sakes, God became Man, and Christ, by his teaching and his actions, becomes God’s way to be human, teaching us how to be more genuinely human, more humane, if you will. Thus St Thomas Aquinas says: “to open the way to God for everyone, God willed to become man, so that even children could know and love God as someone like themselves; and so by what they can grasp they can progress little by little to perfection.”

So, God became Man in order to remove our sins, indeed, more than that, he comes to enlighten our minds with truth and to rectify our wills; to reform and remake us from within so that we are motivated not by our sinful desires, but by loving what God loves, and doing as Christ does. In other words, in the person of Jesus Christ, God comes to befriend you and me so as to make us friends of God. As St Thomas says: Man’s sickness consisted in falling into wanting and doing the wrong things, so “righteousness of the human will consists in the proper ordering of love, [and] rightly ordered love is to love God above all things as our supreme good”. So, “to excite our love towards God, there was no more powerful way than that the Word of God, through whom all things were made, should assume our human nature in order to restore it… because the strongest way God could show how much he loves man was his willing to become man for his salvation; and nothing can provoke love more than to know that one is loved.”

In fact, today’s Gospel makes it even more amazing. For God loves us so much that he’s not content to just become Man and so become the cure for our sins. More than this, God wants to become the cure for the natural end of our human condition, namely, God wants to save us from eternal death. And so we’re made, by Christ and through Christ and in Christ, into beloved sons and daughters of God! This is the beauty of the Incarnation, of the Christmas mystery that we have been celebrating, and it is at the heart of the Christian Gospel: that we should become sharers in the divine nature of God’s own immortal Son.

And the way that God communicates this grace, this spiritual transformation, this renewal of mind and heart that elevates our human nature, is in a bodily, physical way because that is how human beings relate to things and with one another. So, through the Sacraments, beginning with Baptism, Jesus Christ touches us, moves us, embraces us, changes us, and indeed, unites himself to us so that we can be united to God. For at your own Baptism, the Father also declared: “You are my Son, the Beloved; my grace rests on you.” (Cf Mk 1:11)

One of the things that has been missing from our churches – one of the first things to be taken away, in fact – is the holy water at the entrance. In St Dominic’s, our stone holy water stoups are so large that they look like a baptismal font, which is fitting because the holy water that should be there points to the Sacrament of Baptism. Sadly, instead of the holy waters of Baptism, we now have sanitisers, and perhaps you’ve also absent-mindedly crossed yourself with this as you entered a church!

But, once again, this man-made solution can serve to show us how very different and limited this is compared to God’s solution. At first glance there can seem to be some similarities: the sanitiser kills germs, and Baptism washes away sin. But this is only a very superficial similarity. For whereas the sanitiser only kills the bacteria and viruses on your hands, in the crevices of your skin, and so on, it merely acts on that which isn’t human and reacts with those things that are outside of me, on the surface of my hand.

The Sacrament of Baptism, on the other hand, doesn’t merely wash over me externally. Rather, it acts on that which is human, acting interiorly on my rational soul, forming my human dispositions and making me more responsive to the Holy Spirit, more obedient to the Word of God, more humbly and trustingly Child-like towards God my Father. In a word, the Sacrament humanises me, by restoring my relationship with God and with other people, placing me within the communion of God’s friends that we call the Church. The Sacraments, because they are devised by God for us human beings, make us more truly human by making us more open to love. So the grace of Baptism, which is at work within us over our lifetime, makes me become more like God the Son, more Christ-like, more loving of God and his commandments, as St John says in today’s Second Reading.

However, something can still be missing, and that something is you and me. I don’t just mean that people are missing because they’re staying away during this pandemic, or because of Covid restrictions. I mean that people can be missing, even well before 2020, if they’ve not really wanted the Sacraments but treat it like a cultural rite of passage; if they’ve not really been engaged with the Christian life and its demands; or if they’ve not really been present to all the graces that God has been pouring out upon us. Tragically for many, the Christian life, which is a call to a living relationship of love with God, can lapse into something distant from my full human experience. So, to use a rough analogy, it can become a bit like being at a Zoom meeting but with my camera and mic turned off; or trying to have a party with friends via Zoom: it’s virtual, not quite real, because it doesn’t really touch me or change me as a human person. Consequently, what’s missing has been the whole human person, body and soul. And yet, it is for this full human encounter that God became Man, and that Christ continues to give himself to us in the Sacraments.

So, this is vital: for the Sacraments to take hold and deeply work in us; for God’s grace to actually have a powerful effect in my life, then my disposition, my receptivity, my willingness to be changed by God, and to let him encounter the whole Me is needed. As St Augustine says, “God who created you without you, will not save you without you”. Because God acts humanely, and so he respects our human freedom, and he wants to save the whole human person in a humane way by inviting you and me into a relationship of mutual love with him. God does this through the Incarnation of his Son; through the attractive teaching and example of Christ; through the grace of Christ communicated by the material instrumentality of the Sacraments and the beauty of the Liturgy; and through the communion of Saints. So, if today you should hear his voice, harden not your hearts, but respond to his invitation, and give yourselves, body and soul, to this relationship of love. As the prophet Isaiah says, the Lord calls out to you and me in a way that engages us, body and soul: “Come… eat… listen. Pay attention, come to me; listen, and your soul will live.”

If you’re not baptised yet, but thinking about it, come. If you’re already baptised, like me, then let's listen and follow Jesus more closely. For, as St Augustine says, thus we shall realise that “to fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.”

#Baptism #Sacraments #theosis #sanctification #discipleship #moral life #Christianity #grace

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flutteringphalanges · 4 years

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Mirabile Visu

Summary: Sister Agatha Van Helsing discovers she’s in over her head when a competitive game of chess ultimately results in her becoming pregnant with the child of her worst enemy, Count Dracula. Now tied by a bond deeper than blood, the two must learn to coexist and adapt in a world that could be potentially hostile towards their offspring. Parenthood has never looked so batty.

Characters: Dracula/Agatha Van Helsing

Chapter: 14/15 (technically it’s chapter 13/14 since there was a two part chapter, but you get the idea)

Read on FFN and AO3

A/N: Thank you so much for your support and amazing feedback! It truly means the world! Oh my gosh, guys, we are so close to the end! Next chapter is the final one. The epilogue! I can’t believe it! I’m both excited and sad! Also to clarify, Jack refers to Sorina jokingly as “Van Helsing” because it’s the last name she’s used for nearly all her life--since she grew up with Agatha’s family. Feedback is greatly loved and appreciated! I’d love to know your thoughts! I hope you enjoy! -Jen

Chapter Thirteen

Larpool Lane Cemetery

Present Time

Dental records. That's how far gone Zoe's body was when the coroner went to finally identify her. She felt horrible for thinking so, but Sorina was glad she didn't have to identify the remains. That would've been a task the halfling might've not been ready for. But they purchased a beautiful urn-purple, Zoe's favorite color-and bought a plot of land in the graveyard. A nice place that looked towards the trees. She would've liked that. And a simple, granite gravestone engraved with her name, date of birth and death, along with the words Beloved Aunt and Niece. Nothing fancy. Nothing that stood out. Simple. Like Zoe.

"I'm not leaving those stupid fabric flowers, Zoe deserves better."

Sorina stood over the tombstone, her eyes red as she clutched a bouquet of freshly cut daffodils in her right hand. Somehow, she had refrained from crying, but it was obvious that she was close to doing so. On either side of her, her parents stood. Agatha wore a black dress, something she had pulled from Zoe's closet. She felt a little guilty for wearing something that belonged to her late, great, great niece, but Sorina was fine with it. Dracula seemed rather distant as he stood close to his daughter, almost as if he was trying to listen out for something.

"Leave them, we can always replace them with more if the caretakers remove them."

Jack met Sorina's gaze, his mouth forming a small, encouraging smile. Since Zoe's death, he hadn't really left her side. While Dracula's and Agatha's home was in the remodeling process after The Foundation had damaged it, the four of them had been staying in what was now technically Sorina's home. She hadn't decided whether or not she wanted to sell it. From what any of them could gather, the halfing had yet to step foot into her aunt's room. He wasn't sure how long it would take before she had it in her to do so.

"I know this isn't exactly the ideal funeral." Agatha began, one hand absentmindedly resting on her still flat stomach. "But I'd like to say a few words, if that would be alright with you, Sorina?"

Her daughter nodded, clutching the flowers to her chest.

"I didn't know Zoe for very long. Only a few days, in fact. But I know how important she was to you and how she impacted your life as much as she did. You both had each other since her birth. She grew up around you and you, in a sense, around her. As a mother-your mother, it does my heart good knowing that someone was there to care for you, to love you, while your father and I were gone. I'll never be able to properly thank her for that. I'll still say it. Zoe, I am, and will always be, eternally grateful for everything you've ever done for my daughter. I wish I could have known you better, but I am glad we met. Even though it wasn't for very long."

Agatha took a step back, her eyes lifting from the grave to look at the others. Sorina remained silent, her own gaze still casted down at the slab of stone. It was only when Jack cleared his throat the silence was broken once more.

"I guess I'll go next." He swallowed, his voice already thick with emotion. "I wouldn't be where I am now without Zoe. When we first met, I was just a small fish in a big pond. I'd gotten into graduate school, but I honestly didn't know where to go from there. It wasn't until Dr. Van Helsing came to one of my lectures and spoke...something just clicked and I knew I had to reach out to her."

The young man smiled, shaking his head. "That's when I started working under her and then coincidentally met you." Sorina finally looked up, captured by Jack's attention. "If it hadn't been for Zoe's, I wouldn't have been lucky enough to know you. And I can't even imagine life without that. So thank you, Zoe. Thank you for everything."

A gentle breeze blew, brushing against the yellow flower petals. Sorina still had yet to say anything, her mouth pressed into a thin line. Agatha glanced at her husband, giving him a knowing look. Dracula's lips pursed, clearly not wanting to engage with a speech. Sure, Zoe had cared for his child, but he didn't see the need to make a statement on her behalf. But then again, there was Sorina. If anything, he needed to do it for her.

"Alright," he exhaled, Agatha frowning when he did so. "What to say. Well, as Agatha put it, I appreciate what you did for my Sorina. We had our differences, you and I. After all, you did try to…" His wife's dark glare made him reconsider his words. "You loved her, which is as much as I can ask of someone. Evidently, you provided protection too, seeing as what she is-what we are. And even though you apparently brought him into the picture…" His eyes narrowed at Jack. "I suppose you deserve a round of thanks. So thank you. For being there for my daughter."

Once more silence fell upon the group and Sorina could feel the other three pairs of eyes focus on her. Chewing on her bottom lip, a thumb pressing a small indent into one of the stems, she sucked in a sharp breath. Part of her wanted to turn away. To leave and pretend this wasn't happening. But her feet remained rooted to the ground as if paralyzed by some unseen force.

"I've known you since you were born." The words trembled as she spoke. "You grew up with me. We laughed, fought, and cried. I hated you, but I loved you more. When you had nightmares as a child, I let you sleep with me. I promised you I'd always be there, no matter what. And I tried, Zoe. I really, really did."

Tears began to stream down her cheeks, but no one moved to touch her. She was grateful for that.

"We both knew the end was coming. When you were diagnosed with cancer. I just didn't think…" She paused, trying to recollect herself. "None of us saw that this was going to be the end. But I'm glad I was there when it happened. That you weren't alone…" The halfing gave a wet smile, her cheeks glistening in the sunlight from her tears. "I'll never forget you, Zoe. No matter how many decades, centuries, millenniums I live through, you'll always be in my heart. I love you."

With the utmost care, Sorina bent down and placed the flowers over the gravestone. She stayed there for a moment to take it all in. It didn't register that her mother and Jack had left her side, making their way back to the car when she felt her father's hand on her shoulder. The halfling stood up, meeting her father's eyes.

"She's gone." He said quietly, his daughter caught off guard by his words. "I've been listening and she's no longer here suffering."

"What do you mean?" Sorina questioned, brow furrowed in misunderstanding. "Of course she's dead. We all saw her!"

"I mean, she's not trapped here," the vampire explained. "Sometimes the dead are restless. Stuck here forever in this plane of existence. If you pay attention, you can hear them." His stare remained locked on hers. "Focus, Sorina. Listen."

Though wary of her father's words, Sorina closed her eyes and listened closely. At first, she heard nothing, just the wind in the trees. Then, ever so softly, the moaning began. The calling. Corpses begging for their freedom. Fear struck her in the heart and she pressed against Dracula.

"What...who…" She stumbled, looking around wildly. How she hadn't experienced this before, she was unsure. She'd visited cemeteries throughout the decades. Year after year of losing loved ones. But perhaps she closed herself off to the idea of death and what lay beyond its gates. After all, she'd never experience the end herself. "I don't understand…"

"It's more apparent at night," Dracula responded. "But they can't hurt you. You needn't be afraid."

Sorina did her best not to think about which of her relatives were forced to become the undead, rotting away in their coffins under the surface. Running a hand through her long, thick hair, her shoulders slumped in defeat.

"I'm tired of losing people that I care about," she mumbled. "I want it to stop. To be done with it once and for all." Sorina glanced at her father. "Swear to me that you and Mum will never leave again. No matter what happens, we'll be a family. That if you go, you take me with you. And Jack too."

Of course, as much as he'd like to admit it, he wasn't keen on the idea of taking Jack anywhere. Getting used to the fact still that Sorina was no longer a little girl, but a grown woman was hard enough. Knowing that she was romantically involved with someone was much more difficult. But he knew she needed to hear those words, and knew that deep down he truly meant them.

"No matter what," he swore, pulling his daughter into a tight embrace. "We will always be a family." A promise he intended on keeping this time.

Dracula's and Agatha's Home

Six Months Later

"Don't I have any say in on how my child's nursery looks?"

Agatha's lips pursed as she eyed Sorina from her rocking chair, both hands resting on her swelling abdomen. Her daughter had taken to becoming the interior designer of the room, not giving her mother much freedom to add her input. It had been decided that the theme would be the night sky. Sorina, of course, had gone with the idea as the moon and the stars were the very first glimpses she saw of the outside world.

"Trust me, Mum, in the end, you're going to like it." Sorina promised, adding another brush stroke of dark, navy paint to the wall. "And put on your mask. The fumes can't be good for the baby."

Her mother frowned at her bossy tone, but did as she said. It was rather bothersome how overprotective everyone seemed to be over her. Dracula rarely letting her get up off her feet to do anything. Had he forgotten she'd been pregnant once before-and as a human at that? Nevertheless, for her own sanity, she allowed them to wait hand over foot on her. Sometimes she secretly liked it.

"Jack, if you make the slightest nick in my crib, I will make you regret the day you were born."

The screwdriver dropped from the young man's hand as he met the vampire's dark glare. Instead of ordering a pre-designed cradle, Dracula wanted to replicate the same one he'd made for Sorina well over a century ago. It was a nostalgic idea that Agatha really liked. But of course, it would've been a lot better if her husband didn't continually threaten her daughter's poor boyfriend.

"Leave him alone, Dad. He's just trying to help!" Sorina threw a look at her father over her shoulder. "This is supposed to be a bonding exercise."

"Would it be more helpful if I just brought the blankets and things into the room?" Jack suggested, desiring to be anywhere but beside the vampire. "I think there were packages delivered earlier."

"Just mind the walls," Dracula exhaled loudly. "And don't trip, I don't want to spend another several hours at the clinic because you got a concussion."

It'd only happened once, just a few weeks back. Jack had been helping move some things when he tripped over the living room rug. He hit his head pretty hard, scaring Sorina the most. But in the end, after a long visit to the hospital and having to stay awake for twenty four hours, everything had been fine. Though Dracula hadn't exactly forgotten the minor "inconvenience" it caused him.

"I'll come and help you, Jack." Sorina exclaimed, frowning at her father as she set the brush down into the pail. "There can't be that many."

As the two disappeared down the steps, Agatha turned her attention to her husband. "Why must you be so rough with him?" She inquired irritably. "The boy has done absolutely nothing to you."

"He's dating my daughter," Dracula replied with a shrug, focused on the legs of the crib. "I'm allowed to disapprove of my child's significant other. It's nothing personally, really. I just want what's best for her."

"What's best for her is being happy," his spouse commented. "And Jack makes her happy."

"And I want her to be happy," the count agreed. "Just not with Jack." He seemed to pause for a moment as if in deep thought. "Or with anyone really. There is nothing wrong with being single. I was so for centuries."

"But now you have me," Agatha added. "And I'd like to think that perhaps I was the best thing that ever happened to you?"

"Well yes, you and Sorina," he agreed. "But that's different."

"How so?"

It was a good question, he'd give her that. Smirking, he stood up and made his way over to her. Agatha eyed him curiously as he rested his hands on either arm rest of the rocking chair.

"For starters, you are positively attractive, in both appearance and wit. You had the audacity to try to kill me." He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to her's. Agatha chuckled, smirking softly. "And you are quite talented in your bed." His wife snorted, swatting at him. "You know it's true."

"Let Sorina decide what's good for her and what isn't," the former nun replied. "It's her life after all." She smiled fondly and took a hold of his hand, pressing it down where the baby just kicked. "Besides, we have enough on our plate with this little one coming. Our daughter is a smart girl, she'll do the right thing."

Dracula stared at his wife, his thumb gently caressing over the spot where the infant had moved. He didn't want to admit it, but he knew it was the truth. He had to let Sorina make her own decisions-despite it being so hard to watch.

"Fine," he exhaled. "But if he breaks her heart, I won't hesitate to kill him."

"And I'll help you dispose of the body," Agatha added lightheartedly. "Now, can you move that dresser just a tad to the right? It's blocking part of the window."

XXX

Jack noticed the look of concern plastered on Sorina's face as they stared down at the many parcels sitting by the door. He knew that expression all too well-she had misplaced something. Pursing her lips, she mentally counted the boxes to make sure of it. The halfling was certain now. One of them was in fact missing.

"It's the breast pump." Sorina frowned, pinching the brim of her nose. "I specifically ordered that special for her."

"Not that it is any of my concern, but your mum's going to...nurse?" Jack ventured hesitantly. "Isn't she worried about...you know…"

"Fangs?" The halfling chuckled, an amused expression crossing her features. "Exactly why I ordered the damn thing in the first place. Apparently I did a number on her and I don't think she's going to let me forget it anytime soon." Scratching the back of her head, Sorina sighed. "I don't know where it could've gone. I'm sure I put on the correct address."

"Is it possible it's at the house?" And by the way Sorina tensed up, he knew he didn't need to specify further. "I can drive by and see if it was dropped off there. You can just stay here and…"

"No." She cut him off abrupt, waving her hand. "No...I'll go with you. It's been awhile anyway."

"Are you sure?" He asked, making sure her eyes locked onto his. "Sunny, if you are uncomfortable. I can go alone. It's probably sitting out front anyway. It'd just take a second."

She shook her head and forced a smile. "I need to get out of the house anyway. The smell of paint gave me a headache. Some fresh air would do me some good."

He wasn't about to argue with that. Digging around in his pockets, he produced his car keys. His ride was nothing special-a beat up, old yellow buggy he'd gotten used as a graduation present. But it did its job fine. Once Sorina had climbed in on the passenger's side, he started it up and pulled onto the road.

"I was thinking we could go out to that little Italian place you like for dinner." The young doctor suggested, attempting to stir up some conversation. "Maybe go see a movie afterwards?"

Sorina merely stared out the window, the wind blowing through her dark hair. "Only if you let me pay this time." She didn't need to look over to know Jack was frowning. "C'mon, we agreed that we'd share expenses. I don't need you paying for everything. I have money too."

"Why can't you just let me court you like in the good old days." He smiled, Sorina gaping at him in mock astonishment. "When life was simpler. I'd take you for a walk, we'd talk until after dusk, and I'd walk you to your doorstep before giving you a peck on the cheek. No need to rile your parents up about being out late."

Dr. Seward," Sorina gasped. "Are you calling me old?"

"I've always been fond of mature women." He explained, Sorina shoving him playfully. "Well, only when it came to you."

"I'm 123 years young, thank you very much." The halfling declared proudly, straightening up in her seat. "And I'll have you know I'm very selective. I don't just pick out any boy I like. In fact, I fancy just one."

"Should I be jealous?" He inquired, cocking an eye questioningly. "Do I know this man you speak of?"

"Oh, you should be quite envious," Sorina smirked. "He's very kind and charming. And quite handsome at that. I've been seeing him too, you know."

"Miss Van Helsing you scandalous thing." Jack chuckled, leaning over to kiss her. "What am I to do with you?"

"Anything you like." The way she said it made a shiver run down his spine. His stomach fluttering in such excitement he'd be too embarrassed to admit it. "As long as it isn't around my father." And there went the feeling completely.

Zoe Van Helsing's Residence

When they pulled up into the driveway, Sorina fell quiet again. Already from the car, Jack could clearly see the package resting on the porch. As he opened his door to get out, he was taken aback when the halfing did the same. Saying nothing, she made her way up the steps, retrieving a familiar gold key that hid under the rug.

"Sunny…" He began, but the woman had already turned the lock, pushing the door open. "Sunny, wait!"

The interior of the house was dark as the two entered inside. For the sake of not tripping over anything, Jack flipped on the light switch. Everything looked just as they left it. Sorina not bothering much in the few times she'd come over for things. Mostly she moved about between her parents' place and his. Though it was technically her's, Sorina still had yet to call it "home" once more.

"Did you forget something?" He asked, following her as she made her way down the hall. "I thought everything was packed up?"

"I just want to grab something, okay?" She responded, finally stopping in her tracks. "For the baby's room."

Jack's heart skipped a beat when he realized where they were standing. The outside of Zoe's room. A forbidden location that had almost remained untouched since the funeral. He felt as if he should say something. Anything. Maybe advise her against going in. Offer her support. Instead he remained silent, watching as she carefully turned the knob.

It was just as Zoe had left it. Bed well made, stacks of paper by her computer. Even a bottle of medication sat at her desk. But Sorina seemed to ignore all of that. She walked over to a shelf, acting as if nothing else was in the room. Gingerly, she lifted an object up and Jack realized immediately what it was. A picture frame.

Zoe. A much younger, healthier looking Zoe smiled back at him through the glass. She wore her hair down and in her hands she grasped a certificate. A diploma from her years at medical school. By her side, arm wound around her, grinned the brilliant, bright eyed Sorina. They looked so happy together. Happier than he'd ever seen his late mentor look. When Sorina finally turned around, there were tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I think this will look nice in the baby's room." She whispered with sorrowful, and yet hopeful smile.

Jack pulled her in close, kissing the top of her head as he too gazed down at the picture.

"Yeah," he agreed. "It's perfect."

#Dracula #Dracula 2020 #Dragatha #Agatha Van Helsing #Dracula x Agatha #Mirabile Visu

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victubia · 5 years

Text

I have decided to end the Victubia comic [Please read <3]

I have decided to end the Victubia comic. Please let me explain why.

As some of you know (those of you who has been a part of this from the start), Victubia started as a simple wallpaper project for some of the YouTubers that I loved at the time.

I was unemployed for long periods of time, and depression and anxiety hung all over me. There were times when I didn’t want to get out of bed because I had no good reason to do so. My confidence in myself and my abilities was at rock bottom… but then I started watching youtube.

And I suddenly had a small (but fun) reason to get up and do something. It gave a reason to laugh and smile. Victubia mixed a lot of things I liked at the time, and eventually, I came up with a story set in this universe, staring the YouTubers.

Victubia started as a motion comic, but when I realized it took me way too long to create each chapter, I made the decision to make Victubia into a regular comic.

The Victubia comic has been going on for almost 3 years. And it has been 3 amazing years!!

Before I continue, I wanna thank all of you who’s been part of this journey!! It’s literally meant the world to me, and it gave me back some self-worth and creativity when I hardly felt anything.

So why am I ending it? Well, there’s a lot of reasons, and in a way… I’m not ending the story here. Let me explain.

The last year or so I’ve had thoughts about ending the comic. It came sneaking up on me, but I kept pushing it back down. I didn’t wanna accept the fact that I wasn’t as happy drawing the comic anymore. And more than anything I didn’t want to disappoint the fans and readers of the comic!

You guys have ALWAYS been the reason I kept going! This project started because of the YouTubers, as a thank you for brightening my days, but it continued because of you who read the comic and was invested in the world!

In an attempt to make the comic a bit more fun for me to draw, I tried to work in more original characters (Alma, Edrea Stern, Ryder, Porter etc), because I love making original characters and I felt that they fleshed out the story in a lot of good ways. But I quickly noticed that the interest for original characters in this story (unless it’s a villain) is pretty small and that most people only cared for the YouTubers.

Which OF COURSE isn’t strange at all! This comic is about YouTubers after all! But I couldn’t deny that there became a rift between what I wanted to do with the comic, and what my readers wanted to read.

While I still had a lot of fun with the comic, I felt less and less joy working on this project, which I guess also got reflected in the fandom, because there were fewer and fewer people interested in Victubia. Less fanart and fics, and fewer people going to my art streams or talking in the discord. And you know, that’s okay <3 As someone who’s been in a lot of different fandoms for the last 15 years, I know that fandoms come and go. Interest fade and you move on to something else. I know that’s the reality of it, but let me tell you, it was a bit difficult to come to terms with this when it’s your own fandom, haha! But I HAVE come to terms with it, and the bitter feeling I used to feel is mostly gone.

Another reason is that drawing comics inspired by real people is never a good idea. Part of me knew that going into this project, but I was just too naive and too ignorant to accept it. People change. Relationships and friendships change. And that will always be a difficult thing to adapt to when making a comic about real people. And as much as I still love a lot of YouTubers, I don’t always agree with them (as is the case for most people), but I don’t always wanna feel that I endorse them. Even if I state my own opinions, actions speak louder than words, and the fact that I make a fan comic speaks volumes in a way I don’t want it to. Victubia was always supposed to be a fun and silly fan project, but because the characters are inspired by real people, it’s bound to get difficult at times. And that made the project become filled with anxiety at times, and it really wasn’t good for my mental health. I felt almost trapped in this project at times.

I also don’t want to be known as the woman “who only draws YouTubers”. Which leads me to my next reason to stop the comic;

I want to do more things.

Victubia takes up a lot of my time most days when I’m not working on my part-time job as a preschool teacher or work with freelance jobs, leaving me with almost no free time.

And as a creative, it really brings you down after a while.

I almost never draw anything for myself anymore, not even sketches. I have so many things I want to study! I have so many amazing original things I want to draw, and also fan art. And I have a lot of other projects I wish to make a reality.

I wish to take more freelance jobs and commissions! I want to make my own children's book series! I have an original comic project that I’m dying to spend more time on!

But time is limited.

Looking over my story notes I’ve slowly realized that the Victubia comic would take YEARS to complete, and that’s just too much for me to spend on a fan comic.

“Are we never gonna find out what happened in the story?”

I don't wanna leave you guys hanging, and despite the fact that the comic is ending, I’m still gonna share the complete story with you guys, as I’ve decided to post the rest of the Victubia comic story in script format.

Doing story scripts takes MUCH less time for me to write (compared to drawing the comic), and you guys will still get the whole story. It’s still a story I wish to tell.

I’m going over and writing it as we speak, and it will be released in parts. How many I can’t say just yet.

“So what happens to the Patreon?”

I will still keep my Patreon, but it will transition into a Patreon for most of my creative work.

The Victubia scripts will still be posted on Patreon first before they reach the rest of the public. And I still have a few things I want to post (like a Late Night Bar map).

But eventually, I want to fill the Patreon with original art and fanart, studies, blog posts and sketch requests, to name a few. I will explain more when the time comes.

If you are signed up to my patreon for Victubia only, I totally understand if you want to cancel your subscription. I won’t hold it against you! <3

I will, of course, be eternally happy if you stick around and see the changes that will happen <3

“So is the Victubia Party over now??”

Not for me at least! XD

Honestly, I’m not ready to give up this universe, because I still love this world and all the characters that have been made for it. My own and others and I don’t see a reason to end Victubia as a whole because the comic ended.

The world of Victubia is bigger than the comic, and if people still wanna visit it, it’s always open! <3

I will still create Victubia related work even after the comic script is done, but it will be work I truly want to work with <3

Lastly, I wanna thank so many people! I want to thank all the fantastic people who've been in the fandom for so long! Some of you joined from the very start and made this community so warm, creative and welcoming! All of you who created your own characters and stories and art inside this universe! You are also the reason I kept going with this project in the first place, and without your love and enthusiasm for this project, it would have stopped as a “wallpaper project”.

I want to thank all my lovely, amazing and wonderful Patrons, new and old, who helped make a dream come true and let me work on a project that is so dear to my heart!! Without you, Victubia would have ended a long time ago! <3

Despite the ups and downs, I am SO PROUD of the fact that this project has managed to inspire so many people to draw and write and just be creative in general! <3 It’s so beautiful! I’m also so damn proud that this community brought together so many people, and that people found friends for life, and even love! Many years into the future I hope people can think back on this project and the community with joy. <3

I wanna give a warm and grateful thanks to Vini and Felix for putting so much work into the Victubia Wiki! <3 Thank you for all the time, energy and passion!

I wanna thank all the YouTubers who appreciated this project! You are forever Victubia royalty! <3

Finally, I wanna thank my AMAZING MODS! Old and current!

Who has supported me through it all, and who gave so much of their time and energy to this project! I can never thank you guys enough! You are truly amazing people, and I’m so thankful that you wanted to be a part of this for so long. Asa, Mishy, Jo, Raz, Panda, and Arc... I’m so grateful I can call you guys friends! <3

The last final and very special thanks is to Raz, who not only was my biggest supporter from the start but who became someone so dear to me, someone, that I want to spend the rest of my life together with! <3 Raz, you’ve given so much to the Victubia world that I consider it yours too! So many wonderful stories and characters that always inspired me to create more! Your love and support brought me out of my worst moments and kept me going even when I didn’t think I could. I love you so much and I’m so glad this project brought us together! <3

If you read until the end, you deserve a medal! XD Thank you so much for your time!

If you have any questions or opinions you can leave them in the ask box on Tumblr or send me a message on discord. I will try to answer as many as I can <3

Be on the lookout for the Victubia scripts, and thank you once again for making this something truly special <3

I love you all!

#victubia #important #I love you all <3

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kloxbian · 4 years

Text

You’re my Little Secret Chapter Five

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: F/F

Fandoms: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan

Relationship: Clarke Griffin/Lexa

Characters: Clarke Griffin, Lexa (The 100), Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake, Anya (The 100), Mountain Men (The 100)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe, Forbidden Love, Secret Relationship, Grounder Clarke Griffin, Sort Of, Opposite of slowburn, More tags to be added

Language: English

Words:11603

Chapters (as of 1/28/2020): 5/?

Previous Chapter: “You have no muscle.”

“I lived in a metal box my entire life.”

“Yes, you did.” Lexa met her eyes once more. “We need to fix that. Try and keep up.”

Clarke’s legs were going to hurt like hell when this was over.

When Clarke banished Murphy, she’d never expected to see him again.

Much less being pushed along with Lexa’s fist wrapped around the back of his shirt.

Clarke was stunned as Lexa tossed Murphy to the ground. Murphy looked up at her with a confused look on his face, his eyes flitting between her and Lexa. Lexa rapped him on the bad of the head. “He yours?”

“... yes.” Clarke narrowed her eyes at him. “We banished him.”

She nodded. “I’d seen him wandering. What did he do?”

Clarke scowled. “Murdered someone.”

Murphy rolled his eyes. “Jaha Junior deserved it.”

“Like hell he did.”

Lexa grabbed his hair, yanking his head up. “Don’t speak, ripa, or I will gag you.” She looked at Clarke. “Mind if I have him?”

She shrugged. “Do what you want with him. We don’t want him.”

Murphy actually looked shocked. “You know this savage?”

Lexa snarled and backhanded him across the face. “Silence, banau. I will not feel guilt over harming a murderer.”

Clarke approached Murphy. “You are more of a savage than she is. You deserve whatever they do to you.” She nodded to Lexa, who heaved him to his feet. She raised a hand into the air and two other people dropped from the trees, each taking an arm and dragging him off.

Clarke tried to brush off her surprise. “Friends of yours?”

“Guards. They’ve been watching the camp along with me, though they are there more to make sure they stay in line rather than gather information. I am the one who is collecting the information.”

“So is that your job? To spy?”

Lexa cocked her head thoughtfully. “I do many things. This is just another task to complete.”

A vague answer. But then again, all of Lexa’s answers were.

“Okay.” Clarke shifted her weight, pulling out her dagger. “What now?”

“Put the knife away. Your throwing skills are fine.”

Clarke groaned. She knew what that meant.

Luckily enough, days at camp were getting better. Clarke was learning to bring in more food herself rather than just have Lexa provide it for her, and a few others around camp seemed to be getting a feel for it as well. Most days, everyone ate something, even if it was only a small slice of rabbit meat.

They were beginning to organize a working system. The hunting party went out at dawn. As people woke, some would start a couple of fires, as a cold chill was beginning to set in, a time of year old-world had called ‘autumn.’ Some people would collect water from a small stream they had found trickling by about a mile or so east. Tents had been set up from the supplies in the dropship, usually five or more per tent, and many still slept in the dropship, Clarke included. As more and more people accepted that they needed to work to survive, more was able to be accomplished. Firewood was gathered and stored. Logs were set up around the fire pits. All in all, things were finally starting to smooth out.

Clarke continued to meet Lexa, not daily, but often. She honed her throwing skills and had, according to Lexa, gotten much better at keeping quiet in the brush, though was still far from perfect. She was confident that she would soon be able to reveal to her people the existence of the clans.

Not yet, though. Not when Bellamy still largely held control over the camp.

Clarke was more respected, definitely. People listened to her. They did as she asked. But they would much rather listen to Bellamy than to her. Clarke was a daughter of the council. They thought that if they gave up control to her, she would seize it much like her mother had.

It was still too much of a risk.

It had been four days since she’d last seen Lexa, a fairly long period compared to their normal meetings. Though many people still lazed around camp all day having fun, Clarke was working herself to exhaustion. She hadn’t had the time to see Lexa.

So Lexa came to see her.

“Clarke.” She felt a light shake on her shoulder, rousing her from her slumber. Clarke growled lightly from her throat, her eyes still heavy with exhaustion. “Clarke, wake.”

That voice.

Her eyes cracked open and then went wide at Lexa, hovering by her side. In the dropship. Surrounded by other delinquents.

“What the hell are you doing?” Clarke hissed quietly, sitting up and looking around to make sure no one was awake. “You shouldn’t be here!”

“They will not wake. Your people sleep heavy, including you. I am a hunter. I will not wake them.”

Lexa was right. Nobody even stirred.

“Okay, point proven. Now, why did you come here in the first place?”

Lexa smirked. “You’ll see.”

“What? What does that mean?” Lexa stood, slipping out of the dropship. Clarke followed as quietly as she could. Lexa was waiting outside. “What are you doing?”

“Come,” was all she said, darting off into the woods past the single dying embers of a fire.

Clarke had two choices: stay back at camp or follow Lexa into the unknown.

She went with Lexa.

Lexa moved swiftly, heading north in the direction of the mountain. She glanced over her shoulder occasionally, never long enough for Clarke to see her face, only to check that she was following. Lexa led her a fair distance before stopping. “We are just shy of it.”

Clarke looked around. “I’ve been through here before. There isn’t anything special about it.”

“In the daylight, no. During the night- you shall see.”

“What could be so special about the forest at night? It’s still just a bunch of-” a gasp broke her words as Lexa parted the foliage in front of them. It was a familiar clearing, but the only difference was that the moss that covered the trees and the ground all glowed a blue hue. Butterflies flitted around above them, glowing just as brightly, looking like stars in the night. She could feel a wide grin stretching over her face.

“Do you like it?” Lexa asked, walking up from behind close enough for their shoulders to brush.

“Like it? Are you kidding, this is amazing!” Clarke couldn’t help the laugh that broke out of her, her once drowsy body thrumming with excitement. “What is this stuff?”

Lexa shrugged, dragging her through it and leaving a dark stripe that quickly regained its glow. “I do not know. If anyone would know, it would be our healers, for they are familiar with herbs, but a healer I am not.”

Clarke absentmindedly traced her finger in the moss. “Not that I’m not grateful, but why did you show me this?”

Lexa shrugged. “I wanted to. I knew you would enjoy it, and it is not something you can see anytime you want. Though I suppose I do want to escape my guards for a bit. They do not leave me alone.”

“The price we pay for safety, I guess.”

Lexa scoffed. “I can defend myself.”

“I have no doubt you can.”

Lexa’s lips twitched into a smile. “Sit with me, Clarke.”

Clarke sat next to Lexa in the moss, curling her feet up beneath her. “So?”

“Tell me about you.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “If I do, I expect you to return the favor.”

Lexa hesitated, but as much as she knew she shouldn’t, she had started to trust this skai girl over the last couple weeks. Never once has she suspected Clarke of having ulterior motives or even something as small as telling a lie. She truly believed the Clarke she saw before her was genuine. Not a facade like Heda. Clarke had nothing of the sort. She and skaiheda were one and the same. Lexa could not say that about herself. In all truthfulness, she was more herself around Clarke than she was around any of her people. Everyone back home saw her as Heda. To Clarke, she was only Lexa.

And so Lexa found herself agreeing.

Clarke’s smile made it worth it.

“Tell me about where you live.”

Lexa clicked her tongue on the roof of her mouth, considering. “I live, officially, in Polis, the capitol. It is many days from here on horseback, so I am currently staying at the capitol of this clan’s territory, Tondisi. Or, I will be, once my mission is finished.”

Clarke was leaning forward, eager to hear more about this mysterious population and their customs. “What clan are we in?” “The clan we are currently in is called the Trigedakru, or Trikru for short. To the north is Azgeda and Sankru. East is Floukru. South is Louwoda Kliron and Yujleda. West is Ouskejon Kru. I am from the Trikru, though I only lived here for the first three years of my life until I was moved to Polis.”

“What clan is Polis in?”

“Polis also resides in Trikru Territory. It was one of the only old-world cities to have even a single building still upright. That single building is the commander’s tower.” Lexa’s eyes shone as she began to speak about Polis. “The tower is the best part of the city. It is over a hundred stories high, though not many have access to the upper levels. The top is where the eternal flame burns. The city itself would take hours to cross on foot it is so large. I would guess at least thirty thousand reside within the city, not including the constant flow of travelers. People from all clans come to Polis, so trade is very diverse.”

Clarke’s eyes widened. “Thirty thousand? How many people are in all twelve of the clans?”

Lexa shrugged. “Trikru has around thirty, forty thousand people total, and it is one of the most populated clans. I would estimate at least a couple hundred thousand people inhabit all twelve territories.”

“Hundred thousand,” Clarke mumbled. “That’s… incredible. How big are the territories?”

“On horseback, it would take months to cross from Trikru to Ingranrona Kru.”

“Holy shit.” Clarke leaned back heavily against the tree, sighing loudly. “That’s… a lot.”

“Indeed. We have become good at staying alive.”

“Yeah, I can tell.” Clarke sighed again. “The Ark only has about two, three thousand people. You could crush them.”

“Not everyone is a warrior like myself,” Lexa said, pulling out her dagger. “Many are, though. Especially in clans like Trikru and Azgeda. At least half of the population, if not more.”

“That’s still over a hundred thousand. I can’t believe your commander actually decided to give us a chance when you could have easily wiped us out and went on with your lives.”

Lexa was amused. Little did she know.

“The commander is just, at least whenever justice is an option. She has spared your lives for now.”

“I’m glad she did.” Clarke looked around at the bioluminescence. “Even if she hadn’t, I’m glad we came down here. It’s hard, but it’s so… free.”

Lexa smiled. “I could not imagine living how you did. I don’t think I could have dealt with such restraints. You are strong in that aspect, Klark.”

Clarke smiled back, leaning over and bumping their shoulders. “Maybe so, but you’d still put me on my ass in seconds if I tried to beat you.”

Lexa chuckled quietly. “You have a strong mind. In a battle of wits, I’m sure we would at least tie.”

The two laughed again, but a voice interrupted their bubble of peace. “Clarke?”

Clarke knew that voice. “Shit,” she hissed. “You have to leave.”

“Who is that?” Lexa asked, rising to her feet easily and helping Clarke up. “Why do they want you?”

“He must have noticed I was gone,” Clarke said. “And that would be Finn.”

Finn. Lexa knew of the boy. He was always ogling at Clarke, always trying to gain her favor. It made her sick. He was pitiful and didn’t realize that Clarke had no such interest in him. She felt the urge to punch him in the face, to watch the blood run from his broken nose, whenever she saw him staring at Clarke like she was some sort of goddess. It made her insides boil.

Clarke saw Lexa’s scowl. “You don’t like him. Doesn’t surprise me. You can tell him how much you hate him later. Right now, you need to leave.” Lexa hesitated but heard the crunch of the skai boy’s feet on the earth. She nodded and gracefully scaled one of the trees, peering out from behind the thick trunk. She caught Clarke’s eye one last time before the shaggy-haired boy stepped into the clearing.

“Holy shit…” he looked around at the glow but lost interest in it when he saw Clarke walking slowly toward him. “Clarke! There you are!”

“Finn.” Her voice had a hint of anger and frustration, something Finn didn’t seem to notice. “Why were you looking for me?”

“I saw that you were gone and I was worried,” he said, once again looking at Clarke like she was vital to his existence.

“I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to protect me.” His face fell a bit and Lexa smirked. “Stop treating me like I’m a child. Go back to camp, Finn.”

Finn looked broken. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t need you to,” she snapped. “Leave.”

“I can’t leave you out here by yourself!”

Clarke groaned. “Fine. I’ll come back with you. Don’t do this again,” she warned. Finn nodded, happy Clarke had accepted his ‘help.’ Clarke sent an apologetic look to Lexa, mouthing ‘sorry’ before Finn took her wrist and dragged her away.

Lexa could feel herself seething. How dare that insolent boy treat Clarke like she was some branwada goufa who needed a caretaker. It was blatant disrespect, and Lexa had to restrain the urge to knock him in the head to see if it would put some sense into his brain.

Lexa began her return to her own camp, pondering over what it was about the skai girl that made her feel such emotions.

Chapters 1-5 up on ao3 here.

First chapter on Tumblr here.

#clexa fic #clexa deserved better #clexa #fanfiction #you're my little secret

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love-little-lotte · 5 years

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POTO Manila 2019 Experience

I crossed one thing off my bucket list last March 2, 2019.

Finally, finally, finally. I finally got the chance to witness my all-time favorite musical, The Phantom of the Opera, live. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am totally in love with this show.

I first learned about the existence of POTO when I was 10, when I first read an abridged version of the Gaston Leroux novel. Then I watched the 2004 film, starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. Ever since then, I fell in love with the musical. I listened to the Original London Cast, with Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, and Steve Barton. I watched the 25th anniversary, with Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess. I streamed countless YouTube videos. I wrote down the lyrics, memorized them by heart, and sang along even though I couldn’t reach the high notes, not for the life of me.

POTO became one of my passions, and (yes it sounds cheesy AF) also helped me become the person who I am today. It’s not my first musical (family friendly The Sound of Music is my first because my mom plays the Julie Andrews movie all the time), but it opened my obsession to musical theatre. Through POTO, I got to learn more about Broadway, theatre, and musicals.

I have my brother to thank for this wonderful experience. This was meant to be a birthday and graduation present all rolled into one. And it’s actually the best present I’ve ever received. Not only did he pay for all of my expenses, he also accompanied me and took my pictures! Shoutout to him for making one of my major dreams come true.

This was taken on our way to the theatre. It was a one-show day, and the play was going to start at 2:30 PM. I heard from my friend (who already saw the previews) told me I should be there as early as possible so I can take a lot of pictures before most of the audience arrive. And since I want to take as many photos as I can, my brother and I left our hotel as early as 12 noon.

I was so excited I even took a photo of the theatre while we were in the car. My heart was pounding the entire time. My head was reeling. I still couldn’t believe I was there. It felt like a dream I had before. And believe me when I say I dreamt a lot for this moment.

When we got closer to the theatre, I saw a big poster just right outside. I gave out an excited squeal. “I got to take a picture of that!” I told my brother.

And so I did.

Before entering, we noticed there was some Phantom stuff just right outside by the entrance. Aside from the make-up closet (which is self-explanatory), I didn’t know what was inside of the rest of the boxes but I still took some photos nonetheless. I still had a lot of energy around this time.

This was by the entrance: some posters of the musical productions that toured in Manila before. (From left to right: Chicago, Singin’ in the Rain, Les Misérables, Wicked, West Side Story, and The Sound of Music)

After entering the building, I saw this amazing backdrop and of course, immediately posed in front of it......

.....only to learn the words “The Phantom of the Opera” were cropped so I told my brother we had to go back so we can take a proper picture again.

And there we go.

We went to the second floor afterwards, which was where the theatre was located. And this was when the “taking of photos” spree began.

Exhibit A: Mask, roses, and candelabras. Yep, that’s the whole show right there.

I’m kind of bummed that they didn’t really have a photoshoot for the World Tour. I mean it’s nice to see Kelly Matheison from the West End cast because she’s adorable and gorgeous, but I would love to see some Meghan Picerno HD posters too.

Don’t mind me, I’m just posing here with the POTO posters.

Exhibit B: Ah love this shiny, sparkly mask. Yes, the pic is sadly a bit blurry.

Exhibit C: My brother told me to go sit down on the floor and pretend to be Christine, but there was no way I’m doing that with that dress. I wanted to put on the cloak and the mask, but decided I should go with the rose instead.

Exhibit D: “Look at yourself in the mirror, I am there inside!” This is my favorite picture, which also refers to my favorite part in the musical.

Exhibit E: Yeah at this point I was running out of poses. Standing and smiling at the camera was getting boring.

Oh, and would you look at this! A production of Cats in November 2019, starring Joanna Ampil! Isn’t that amazing? She’s one of my favorite theatre actresses and I would kill to see her sing Memory live.

Anyway, what’s up with the Philippines and Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals?

Yeah, what is up with Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Philippines? We just can’t get enough of it. I’d definitely want to watch Love Never Dies when it comes to Manila, even though I’m not such a big fan of the story. The music is brilliant, as well as the sets and costumes. Can we please have Meghan Picerno as Christine Daaé in this production once again? (And maybe throw in Jonathan Roxmouth, too, cause people love him so much here.)

At this point, my brother already left me. He went back to the hotel while I sat on one of the couches, waiting for the theatre to let the audience in. I took a selfie with the brochure. I thought we were all given a program for free, but it turns out you still have to buy them in the gift shop.

Yay! I’m finally inside. I was in the second row, which was very thrilling, especially since the chandelier was really close to me. I couldn’t wait for it to fall down at the end of Act 1!

Sadly, this is the only picture I had inside the theatre. I was so busy taking it all in that I forgot to take a selfie or something. I still couldn’t believe I was there.

I cried as soon as the overture began to play. There are three possible reasons why I did so: one, I can’t believe I’m really here; two, the music was so beautiful, and three, the light from the chandelier made my eyes hurt lol. But, whatever the reason was, I assure you, there were some tears.

My first genuine cry was during The Mirror scene, when the Phantom showed himself in the mirror. It’s just a super iconic scene, and truly one of my favorites.

But the major highlight for me was Masquerade. Sure, I was expecting myself to cry during All I Ask of You (Reprise) or the Final Lair, but Masquerade overwhelmed me. The costumes were amazing up close! I’ve mentioned a lot of times before that POTO costumes are my favorite things ever. The intricately-designed Elissa dress, the fan-favorite Wishing dress, the iconic white robe, and of course, my personal favorite Aminta dress.

But the costumes during Masquerade was the highlight. I didn’t know where to look because I want to take it all in! The ensemble were great, too, and there was just a big fat stupid grin on my face the whole time.

You know, live theatre isn’t that perfect. I can hear the whirring of the machines as they change the backdrop and their heels clicking loudly onstage. I see them spit at each other’s faces. But damn it, it was beautiful. It’s raw and real, which is what theatre is all about.

Sorry for the bad angle haha. This was the cast I saw my first POTO production and I’m eternally grateful at them for giving me a performance to remember. I was just so excited to see that I’m going to watch Jonathan Roxmouth and Meghan Picerno! I’ve seen a lot of videos of them rehearsing, and they both sounded heavenly. I was grinning from ear-to-ear.

Jonathan Roxmouth didn’t fail me. His voice was soft and angelic, and he truly embodied the Angel of Music. I got chills during The Mirror scene, as soon as he sang the words, “Insolent boy!” His Music of the Night was a spectacle, and his height difference with Meghan Picerno also helped. I don’t know why, but I really love it when the Phantom’s a great taller than Christine. Meghan only reached Jonathan’s chest, so their iconic “hug” scene during MoTN looked really good. He also glanced at me during All I Ask of You (Reprise) as he sang the words, “You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asked of you!” So that truly “made my night.”

Jonathan also scared the crap out of me during the Final Lair. He was truly menacing and just plain scary. I love scary Phantoms, and he definitely delivered! When he said the line, “You try my patience! Make your choice”, he put his face really close to Meghan, and I could definitely see him seethe angrily at her.

But he gained my sympathy in the last part when he started singing Masquerade to the music box. At that point, I was crying my eyes out already. I hope the people in my row didn’t judge me too harshly! No matter how many times I’ve seen POTO, I always cry during the Masquerade reprise.

On a side note, Jonathan’s really adorable in the curtain call. He made a Korean heart sign just after he bowed. Korean culture is really popular in the Philippines for some reason, and he earned a lot of laughs and claps from the audience when he did so.

Meghan Picerno, on the other hand, was the sweetest and sympathetic Christine ever. Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch since she’s the first Christine I saw live, and I’m a bit biased. Her crystal-clear vocals also didn’t fail. I’ve seen videos of her in Love Never Dies, and she was amazing there. Her Think of Me was just so pure, and her Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again made me teary eyed.

Meghan carried herself well. Not only was she a darling and innocent Christine, but she was also a fierce one too. During the Final Lair, when she said the words, “This haunted face holds no horror for me now, it’s in your soul that the true distortion lies”, her expression was not scared or anything. I just love that she could project a lot of emotions from Christine, and not only stick to one.

She also shared good chemistry with Jonathan Roxmouth, especially during The Point of No Return. The sexual tension between the Phantom and Christine was undeniable. The way they touched each other, even caressed each other in that scene was so, so, so good. It’s definitely one of the main highlights of the show for me.

And, of course, Matt Leisy was a darling Raoul. Just like his co-stars, his vocals were heavenly. His All I Ask of You is plain sweet. The way he hugged and twirled Christine at the end part of the song was also a major highlight for me. Also, he was very attentive to Christine, and he was protective of her - some important qualities that Raoul should have. In the Il Muto scene, when Christine started getting nervous that the Phantom was watching over her, I can’t help looking at Matt because he was so undeniably concerned and protective of her. And during Twisted Every Way, he was demanding, but at the same time, very considering.

Matt also worked well alongside Meghan. They balance well with each other. As a matter of fact, the three of them are great together. It’s obvious that they’re comfortable with each other onstage. The Final Lair was so thrilling, and it’s all thanks to them. I’m so happy that they get to be my first POTO Big 3.

Overall, the ensemble was great! I love them so much, and I’m extremely honored that I had them as my first ever POTO cast.

Also, bought two souvenirs from the gift shop! A really cute necklace (which costs 1,500 PHP/28.75 USD) and a tote bag (800 PHP/15.33 USD). I wanted to buy the charm bracelet, too, but I feel like I’m going to have more fun with the necklace, compared to it.

And there you have it! This was an extremely long post, but I want to immortalize my first POTO experience. I’m still in cloud nine, even though it has been almost three days now. It’s truly an experience I will never forget.

#phantom of the opera #poto manila #poto world tour #jonathan roxmouth #meghan picerno #matt leisy #phantom #christine daae #raoul vicomte de chagny #the theatre at solaire #andrew lloyd webber #musical #musical theatre #personal

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explosionsstimsandtech · 5 years

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Octavio Is Live: And Drunk ||Octane On Loss||

||Welcome, Octavio Silva, you are now streaming. Say hello!||

The cheery words had Octane seething as he fixed his camera, dropping back into his super plush beanbag chair, grinning up at the camera and giving his signature rock sign.

“What’s uuup. Another drunken stream! Whoo!” he threw his hands up, yelping as some beer got on him with the motion, whining as he wiped it off.

Prior to the stream, he had three shots of tequila, this being his sort of way of tracking his thoughts. He could do holo logs or a diary, but he liked to be transparent, even if it hurt like a bitch.

He knew his experiences helped people, so why not give them this chance to see him with all his guards down, mask and goggles at his neck, looking like he just touched down from his recent solo win.

And he looked like hell.

“So! First question is the hot topic for this stream, choose wisely, amigos!” he grinned, because that was all he knew to do, to hide and protect himself.

The computer registered the first line of text with a little question mark beside it, and his heart sank instantly as he bit his lip, taking a long swig of his beer then sighed.

“Way to hit home, amigo, I’m sorry.” he sounded pained as he shifted, smile wavering.

“Miroctaneluver101 says; Hey, good game. I’m sorry, I hope this doesn’t get the top, but I’m honestly kinda feeling down in the dumps. I just lost my grandfather and I’m honestly feeling like life isn’t worth it. He was everything, the one thing to hold me up, to make me proud. The only person in my family to understand me. Have you dealt with loss, and if so, what do you do to cope?” his voice was shattering as he read the message, cursing as he rubbed at his face, ridding himself of the tears as he stood, walking off camera with a tiny sound of pain.

He kicked something, watched it burst across the stream and into the other side, off screen, to clatter against the wall. He returned with a tall glass of scotch this time, dropping into his seat with a sigh. He could see a billion messages of support to the person and worried comments to him, to which he took a swig and licked his lips.

“Where to get started, huh? First of all, please don’t kill yourself. You have so much to live for! Your life has just begun!” he set the drink down, leaning forward into his ‘Serious Papi Octavio’ mode, twin coloured eyes hard as they looked right into the camera.

“You are amazing as you are. I am sure your abuelo would be so proud of you.” he felt the tears and blinked them away, firm and sharp in his resolve. “If anyone says otherwise, tries to tell you to change, that you’re not worth it, fuck ‘em! They aren’t worth your time, your breath, your attention nor your life. Get rid of them, right away.” he flopped back, fetching his drink on the way down, with a huff, sinking into the plush embrace.

“As for loss? Not talking games here for a lightening effect, but... My great grandfather, Fuego Silva.... The only Silva I cared for... He was... Everything to me.” he looked to his glass, turning it over as he swallowed hard.

“Growing up... Well, you’ve seen what I could show you, the first camera, the first vlog? Was because of Fuego.” he smiled now, taking a swig of the amber liquid. “He loved it. Loved getting to see me as much as he could, even when he was away... He used to fight, god, it feels like an eternity now.” he laughed as he remembered back to the past.

“I told him I wanted to be a star, and he gave me this rinky dinky little thing, shit focus, terrible memory and even worse pixelage. Like we are talking using a potato for a camera would be better!” he chuckled, grinning into the glass. “But Fuego always loved it, would send it to him on the fringes of space in his vessel, so he’d have something to wake up to, something to pump him up.” he ran a hand through his hair as he laid back, splayed out for his fans to see.

“Mr and Mrs Silva were always... They weren’t great. It’s why I was taken into the Diablo Del Alma’s so early on in life. I remember the day I broke the camera. I was doing a dumb stunt, jumping off a roof, something small. I landed on it, and it broke rather than my arm. Fuego was grateful I wasn’t hurt, but my heart was broken. That was my camera, and a gift from him.” he felt the tears itch at his eyes, so he just closed them, lifting his head to take a long swig before returning to his slumped position.

“I remember the whole crew pitched in to get me a top of the line model, fit with different lens options and even slow motion at the flick of your eyes. It even had a high quality stabiliser built in that could be turned off. They almost didn’t make it, but Fuego pitched in the last hundred and said ‘to my rising star’, even engraved it on a panel on it himself.” he jolted, snapping up and scrambling around, finding the camera and returned, holding the piece up to show his fans, the intricate designs around the words written in both English and Spanish.

He then dropped into the chair with his camera in hand, tracing the words.

“He was there from day one... Even when he was out fighting... Everytime he came home, we livestreamed, made videos, we did everything together. He was practically my padre.” he smiled and sighed, hugging the camera as he laid back. “He would always say, ‘Octavio Silva. Siempre debes recordar esta frase. Nunca te rindas y nunca te rindas.‘ Always remember this phrase, never give up and never give in.” he closed his eyes again, living in the memories, even as they brought tears to his eyes.

“He used to tell me if I dreamed it I could do it. Pushed me beyond my limits. Even gave me my first tattoo!” he flapped his arm, a bright grin on his face. “I was so scared, but he said the words as he started, and it’s been my mantra. It’s why I never give up, no matter how helpless it is.” he sat up suddenly, looking to the camera in his lap.

“Fuego... He.... He got sick. Like real sick. The last few years, he was in the hospital. I would stream, you guys know this, with him still. He pushed for me to break the record. I knew his time was short, so... I improvised.” he laughed, something hollow this time. “I’m told he died with a proud smile on his face.” the tears were falling now, the pain lancing through him, but he shook his head firmly, wiping them away.

“My last talk, I told him of the Apex Games, of how I longed to be in them, of how it was my dream to have a banner of me! I told him there was no way I’d be able to, and he turned me to him. He told me those words again. I laughed and said ‘maybe after I break this record’. I woke with no legs, and no Fuego. I thought my life was ruined.” he slumped down, then slapped his leg with a huff, running fingers over the intricate metal.

“Ajay Che, she and I go way back. Beautiful woman, but not my type. Too.... Well, you all know I’m a trans gay guy, so... Yeah.” he smiled shyly and idly brushed the engravings. “She heard about everything, asking my Diablo Del Alma Padre what happened recently. When she found me, I was in a wheelchair craddling the helmet he wore, staring at a gravestone in the rain.” his throat threatened to close and he swallowed, taking a shaky breath.

“I still say I guilted her. I just started talking and talking, about the dreams, about my promise to Fuego that nothing would stop me, and now here I was, completely in lockdown.” he wiped his face again with a growl of frustration.

“But the second I got those legs, I was off, even if I fell over at first. I wasn’t going to give up. I had been harassing the nurses with zooming around in the wheelchair.” he laughed at the memory, remembering the laughter in their voices. “So, do I know loss? Yeah, I do. I experience it every time I go into the ring and watch my friends die. I know they are safe, some wicked tech they have in the background, allowing us a second chance... As long as we have something for them to fix.” he laughed and shrugged.

“As for coping? Reach out. You have a whole community here who will hear you out. Go out, and do something for yourself. Write, draw, paint, sing, dance, run, swim, anything, the world is your playground, so play. Hell, I know someone who was tricked into eating a whole cake in one sitting by a personality in their head. They were vomiting for hours, but they chose to live if only to ensure he never got cake again.” he laughed and shook his head.

“It’s hard. Trust me, the first few months are the worst. Then it’s the first couple anniversaries. I take a drink for Fuego on the day he moved up to better things. His favourite. Doing something like that to honour them is never bad. Take pride in your joys, and do them. I know a writer, the same one about the cake thing actually. He suffers from... A lot. Suicide is almost always on his mind, constantly itching at him, making him want to just say ‘fuck it’ and be done. But he finds a keyboard or a pen and paper, and writes instead. It’s messy and all over the place, but he is proud, because he’s survived the wave.” he shifted to look at the camera, tears clear, now done with hiding it.

“And that’s what it is, its waves. And sometimes you need everyone to hold you up over it all, and it’s terrifying to do that. Fuck, I don’t even do it. I usually drink and drown in all the things I shouldn’t do, stand on cliffs, half kicking my landing gear off before I even know what I’m doing. And it fucking sucks because all I want is a fucking hug, to be craddled close, to have my hair smoothed and to be told it’ll be alright.” he tugged at his hair before sighing, smoothing it back.

“But I’m scared to trust, because trust means people can stab you in the back, trust means investing yourself in someone, which means their life is my world. I don’t think I could survive another Fuego.” he took a shaky breath and smiled, something so worn out and tired as he pulled up a holoscreen, swiping through things.

“Believe me. It does get better. Not by much, but it becomes bearable. You find ways to live each day in honour of those we’ve lost, who can’t witness the day. dont beat yourself into the ground and ruin yourself like I have in the past. Remember, you are worth it. And if no one else is gonna say it, then listen to me right now.” he looked to the camera, eyes alight with a fire as he stood up, leaning close so they could see him in the whole monitor.

“I am proud of you. You are amazing and perfect as you are. Non terre plus ultra, and never give up, never give in. You have got this!” he fist pumped the air before sticking his tongue out and giving his signature hand sign.

Then, he dropped back into his seat.

“Go check out the song I’m about to share to the stream. It’s a big pick me up that I use. That and Ska, but that’s a little out there for this moment.” he laughed as he threw up the songs. “It’ll play in a sec. After it, we are doing never have I ever!” he grinned and threw back a swig of the amber liquid, bouncing up to get more booze.

||Octavio Silva Has Shared A Song.... Playing now....|| ||The Stream Will Return Shortly....||

#the mun #he writes #Octavio's Now Streaming - Stream Logs #Octavio Headcannons #Octane Headcannons

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romancefreak · 6 years

Text

Antisepticeye and Jacksepticeye: I Am Real Now

"Come on… Come on…I’ll defeat you Anti, I’ve got this guys, don’t worry!“ Jack shouted at the camera as he fiercely tapped the keys on his keyboard. At the moment, he was filming a livestream, and he was trying to take down the final boss of a wonderful fan game someone made for him, and the boss happened to be Antisepticeye. At the corner of his eyes he saw people were cheering him on in the chat. He smiled to himself as he thought about the amazing hype and rally behind his “dark self”, which commented on as he continued to fight in the game.

“I’ve watched the community go crazy over my teases and hints, making theories, drawing fan art, and–whoa, almost got hit there–and it’s amazing and beautiful how much this community bonds together–argh, he got me, but I t'ink I’ve got enough health I can get him in this next hit—so thank you guys for making things like this possible and for being so open to each other and making it so much fun. Almost… YES!” Jack punched his fist in the air as his sword gave the final blow, killing Anti as he disintegrated with a loud scream.

"HA! TOLD ya you’re a glitch bitch, Anti!” Jack laughed in triumph, smiling as he watched his avatar in the game release his friends out of the cages Anti had put them in. After watching the ending scene of the game and reading a heartfelt message from the developer, Jack smiled warmly at the camera, his blue eyes twinkling.

“Dude thank you so much for making this game. It means the world to me that you love the channel that much that you would take so much time and effort to make something like this. I appreciate it very much and I’m so happy to have played this. The story was really good, and it’s awesome that I get to battle Anti for the first time in a fan game. In the past it’s always been Billy, which of course I loved, but now Anti is in a fan game, which was really cool! And–”

Suddenly, his lights flickered out, casting Jack in darkness, startling him.

"Whoa! Umm…. What the hell? What just happened? Hello? Who turned out the lights?” he asked, looking around his recording room. The only light that was on was the bright light of his computer and the steady blinking of the red light from his webcam. The only sound he heard was the cheerful music coming from the game, but even that seemed to have lowered. A small chill ran up Jack’s slender back, not liking the atmosphere of the room at all…. It had become eerily still….

“I think… maybe the lightbulb just blew…” Jack explained, trying to make best of the situation. He saw that people were already getting concerned in the chat, and he didn’t want to scare his community. He chuckled a bit, though it was clear in his voice he was a bit uneasy.

"Heh, what a...what a coincidental time for that to happen. Maybe it was Anti coming to say hi and–”

“Oh I have indeed, Jack…” A high pitched, but quiet voice suddenly whispered in the darkness, causing Jack’s heart to jump in his throat as his blood ran cold.

“Who the hell said that!?” Jack yelled, frantically looking around for the source of the voice. “Show yourself! Who’s there!?”

“I think you know EXACTLY who I am, Jack…” the voice said, much louder this time, sounding angrier. Suddenly a terrible screeching static noise sounded from his computer, making Jack cry out, throwing off his headphones and clapping his hands to his ears, trying to block it out. He turned white as a ghost as he saw a familiar face, a horrible, maniacal familiar face smiling evilly through the glitching screen…

"N-n-no…. It… It can’t be… You’re n-not real… You’re not real!” Jack cried out. He reached for the power button, hoping that shutting it down would get rid of him. Suddenly a powerful glitching hand grabbed Jack’s arm, stopping him.

“Oh, I’m very real, Jack… You, and your precious community you care soooooo deeply about MADE me, after all…” To Jack’s horror, the monster crawled out of the screen, the monster with dark green hair, black gages in his pointed ears, sharp teeth in an evil maniacal smile, and blood dripping from a horrid ragged cut on his pale throat. Antisepticeye. Anti kicked Jack in the guts, sending him flying backwards and crashing into the wall behind him. Jack cried out in pain, feeling the wind get knocked out of him as his head throbbed from the impact, making him fall to his knees. Holding his stomach and gasping for air, he gazed at Anti with shock and terror.

"How...? How are you...!?" he tried to ask, wheezing and struggling to get air back in his lungs.

"Alive? Real?" Anti chuckled deviously, smirking down at him, his voice ranging from deep and throaty to high pitched and bone-chilling. "I already told ya, Jack. You, Robin, and your oh-so precious little community created me. Like you said in your Kill Jacksepticeye video..." His eyes turned black as he glitched harder in front of Jack, blood dripping more from his throat as he mocked him."'I've kept control all this time... Nothing gets rid of me! I am eternal!'" He laughed with malice as he watched Jack struggle to get up.

"But...but you aren't supposed....to be actally real...."

Anti laughed cruelly, bending down to sit on his haunches in front of Jack, resting his elbows on his knees. "Ah, that's the beauty of it all, Jackieboy.... You know the power of the community is strong. The same goes for their imagination. Both can be used for good, oh yeah." His eyes gleamed as his evil smile grew wider. "But it can also be used for not so nice things too. Ya see...As my popularity grew after your videos you and Robin worked on, fans have drawn me in various ways, wrote fan fiction of me, even cosplayed as me. And from there, I was born. I grew stronger and more powerful feeding off of their creativity, waiting for the time where I can be powerful enough to take physical form." He leaned in closer, smirking at his creator as he grabbed at his throat. "Ya see, Jack? They wanted this to happen! Your adoring community that claims to love you and support you want you dead and they want me to be real! And you continue to dig your own grave by feeding their precious theories dressing as me, acting as me..." His eyes gleamed as he squeezed Jack's throat harder. "BEING me."

Jack felt the color drain from his face, scratching at the demon's unexpectedly strong hands as he gasped for air, his heart pounding in his ears. "That's... not true.... The community isn't like that... They're not... They're not evil like you.... I'M not like you..."

"No?" Anti cackled, lifting Jack in the air by the throat and throwing him into his gaming chair where glitching shadows suddenly wrapped tightly around his wrists and ankles. "You call me evil. You call me a demon." He leaned in closer until Jack could see his terrified expression in the reflection of Anti's eyes, his voice dripping with venom. "But let me ask you this.... If I am evil, what does that say about you who created me in the first place?"

Jack went even paler in the face, coughing and tearing up as he gulped air. What DID that say about him? He did enjoy teasing his fans with all the cryptic hints he and Robin would put all over the place, lighting the community on fire. He loved horror and Halloween which is often when Anti would appear. And he even liked playing as Anti sometimes. Does... Does that mean...? He shook his head then with vigor. No. Just because he did those things doesn't mean he was anything like this monster. He looked up at his dark ego with a defiant glare as he struggled against his bonds.

"For one, the fans chose me to look up to. I don't know why they do, because I'm just some guy from Ireland who loves video games and making people laugh and feel welcome. But I guess they like that about me, and I'm grateful to them for their support and love! And other thing, you were first created from fans as a joke but then the community, Robin and I expanded upon you and created you as antagonist for a story, to show good will always win over evil and you can conquer your demons, just like any storyteller would." He glared at Anti defiantly, pulling against his bonds harder than ever. "You're nothing more than our puppet, our glitch bitch!"

Anti slashed his claws against Jack's cheek, making him cry out as blood trailed freely down his pale skin. "Funny....I thought it was canon that you were MY puppet under MY control in your videos," he snarled, the evil smile gone from his face as anger flared in his black devilish eyes. "I'll show you who the bitch is here!" He grabbed the camera fiercely, bringing his glitching face to it, blood streaming from the cut in his neck.

"All those who are listening out there.... You really should have thought twice about creating me if you didn't want your beloved Jack to be harmed! So in the words you so dearly like to make me say... He grabbed Jack by the throat again, the most evil smile spreading across how glitching face. "If you want him back so badly, why don't YOU SAVE HIM!?" Suddenly Anti took a demonic looking shadowy figure , looming above Jack before plunging into Jack's mouth and eyes, possessing his body. For a moment, all was eerily still as the Livestream chat was screaming in text, crying out with no noise, helpless to do anything. Then, slowly, Jack's head lifted up, and his fans saw with horror that his eyes were streaming with bloody tears, his lips trembling, looking more terrified and helpless then they've ever seen him.

"G-guys...help me...." he whispered. Suddenly his eyes turned black and an evil smile spread across his face, Anti's distorted voice coming from Jack's mouth.

"You heard him.... Come help him... If you can.... This is my world now...." He cackled maniacally as he punched the camera, cracking the lense and glitching wildly. Then, the screen went blank as Jack's fans around the world panicked, screamed, cried, and/or sat frozen in fear and shock.

Jacksepticeye, their entertainer, their idol, their friend......was gone.

----

Soooo.... This was my first Antisepticeye fan fiction. I was kind of inspired by this line from BATIM Rap/Can't Be Erased by JT Music. "Call me a seed of evil but what's that mean if I'm conceived within your mind?" I mean, we helped create Anti...so....

Anyways I hope you guys like this creepy concept. I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)

#therealjacksepticeye #antisepticeye #septicart #jacksepticeye fanfiction #antisepticeye fanfiction #glitch bitch #alter ego #possession

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rebelwheels-blog · 5 years

Text

Dose #6: Added to the Mix

May 26, 2019

It is at the times of when we feel we no longer can that we always manage to prove ourselves wrong.

This was supposed to be posted a month and a half ago oops

Greetings readers, yet again, long time no write. These past few months have not been pleasant and writing this blog now is not something I have been particularly looking forward to writing… Although I will admit that seems to be my mentality for every one of these posts lately, which I apologize for. However, writing about my life isn’t all that easy. Some may argue that I could or should leave bits and pieces out, which I have seen others do. But I always feel like the rest of the story just doesn’t make as much sense when it’s done that way. Luckily, a friend of mine convinced me that it needed to be written, and they’ve fallen asleep on our phone call right now, so I ended up gathering the courage. Of course, as I say this, I am having second thoughts, but nevertheless, I will continue.

Picking Up Where We Left Off

My last big blog entry was definitely a heavy one. With me getting sick, discovering my love for poetry, and then being plonked this news that a fellow SMAer had passed and basically left me money from the contest we competed against each other in. Granted, it was his parent’s idea, however it did not feel that way when I was gifted his money. I mentioned how he left a rather large imprint upon my soul and that because of him I wanted to embrace the fact that I am apart of the SMA Community as well as the Disabled Community in general.

When I wrote this, I had no idea what Life had in store for me.

The month of February was the month of my sixth Spinraza Injection, February 25, to be exact. I was ecstatic to be receiving my sixth injection as this is the one that many have said on the social forums to be the one that really counts. The one where you notice bigger milestones to be achieved. The one that matters. So as the weeks go by, I get my blood drawn where and when I usually do, as well as other things, and wait. Then the Thursday before my injection, I get a phone call from the place where I get my injection. I thought it a bit strange to be called on the Thursday instead of the Friday to confirm my appointment for Monday, but I picked up anyway.

The phone call wasn’t to confirm Monday’s appointment.

The lady that schedules all of my doctor’s appointments had called me to say that my injection date had been moved to three weeks later. I couldn’t believe my ears. Apparently since my insurance had gone through a merge with another company, the paperwork to get my injection and medication paid for had been completely changed. Even though I had received a letter a few weeks prior saying everything that was pre-approved would not have any issues and coverage would overlap until the end of July.

Apparently not.

My immediate reaction was to bite my tongue and agree to changing the dates in my calendar. But emotions overruled my logic and tears began to stream down my face making it difficult to see.

Great, this is bringing back all those emotions.

I quickly changed the dates in my phone and thanked the lady on the other end of the phone before hanging up and sobbing as my grandmother held me after running to get a box of tissues.

The next few weeks were hell. I did not handle it well at all. I’m still having the effects from it to be frank. Even though the effects that I was experiencing are not possible to even occur. I was assured and reassured this. At least two more times after that phone call of having to move my injection date, as I was told two more times on the Friday that I still couldn’t have my injection. Every week was purgatory, every second was worse than the last. Then, to top it off, every day I felt my strength dwindling every second that ticked by. Which is the effects that I had been assured and reassured is not possible. Well I am here to assure everyone that their assurance is not true at all. Sure, molecularly, it’s still in my system until the sixth month mark. But the effects of the Spinraza giving me back my strength go straight down the drain after the four-month mark.

I may not be an expert at chemistry, but I do know that what I was experiencing was not psychosomatic. Getting tired easier, leaning over more, experiencing difficulty picking up my head again… The list goes on. Of course, due to this occurrence, I have found myself researching how genes work and how Spinraza does what it does down to the molecular level. In turn, causing this update to be a month late. Okay, it wasn’t just my curiosity that caused this update to be much later than I prefer, as I’m not only just regaining the use of my body the way I had before this hiccup, but the fog that has clouded my thoughts over the past months is starting to lift as well.

Gotta love my brain.

Now, there is a flicker of light in all this darkness, and that leads me to my next heading.

All Over the Place

During my roller coaster of emotions, I ended up acquiring a group of friends. Yeah, I have actually acquired a group of friends.

I’m growing up!

This group has helped me all through the month of ups and downs, so allow me to introduce them to you.

Our little family is quite the complicated bunch, so here is how we all refer to each other.

Dova is the founder of our family. She found us scattered all over the world, and brought us together to create our group. I owe her a lot for taking me in. Especially since she understands my crazy as she is as crazy-probably more-as I am. All joking aside, she is the first person to invite me into a group and I haven’t felt unwelcome.

Schiki is Døva’s longest friend in the group, and they refer to each other as Twin due to how close they are. I used to not talk to him much, that was, until we decided to phone each other. I haven’t been on a call as long as I have been with him since… Well that was in the past. Talking to him is as easy as it gets, never losing things to talk about. Granted, this applies to the rest of the family as well, but with this one, it’s different.

SD is the youngest of the group, I recruited her. She’s like the little sister I never wanted. (Sarcasm) SD is one of the funniest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, even if her humor sometimes ends up getting misinterpreted. But she has a beautiful soul and a voice to match it. She’s gonna hate me when she reads this hehe

Spike… Now that’s a character. He has many fascists which makes him interesting to get to know. He’s an amazing artist, easy to talk to, as is Schiki, and pretty smart. Him and Schiki are two I’ve had group calls with and we ended up talking about physics. This guy knows how to push my buttons, but who doesn’t, really?

Hybrid is an entity all of his own. He’s part of the family, but in a sort of complicated way. However, he’s a physics major which makes it easy for us to talk. Can’t really say much about him as he’s been away for a bit.

Death is a new-ish addition to the group, but he’s pretty interesting. Gets along easily with Spike and has a great sense of humor. I can thank him for introducing me to a video game that I can actually play.

The best way I can describe this group of ours as a whole is in the layout of a poem that I had written for one of our members during a moment of doubt.

We’re the puzzle pieces that get lost

And are found one day

By someone who took the time

To look

And to pick us up

And put us in our own puzzle

That creates a bigger picture

That’s just as odd as we are.

Every one of these people has helped me out one way or another. Sure, we get on each other’s nerves a lot as well, but that’s what happens in a family. I don’t know how I could have made it through my unknowns without them. They found me at my lowest and helped me get back to where I should be, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The Sixth Battle

The day finally came where I could actually be given my injection. April 1st. Yeah, we had the same thought. Who would book an appointment as important as this when so many things have gone wrong already? Well, luckily the appointment actually was kept after being moved three times already. Three times the charm, I guess.

Even though this injection was an absolute pain to get, it was my sixth one which was supposed to be when I saw more extreme changes in my strength. So I decided to make my Spinraza crew a gift.

Those who were there to see the gift were blown away, but most of the crew for this injection was new. The usual staff was out for this, that, or the other, but my main nurse was there which was all that mattered at that point.

Of course, the complications with this injection weren’t going to stop simply because of the fact I was actually on the table about to have a long needle shoved into my back. Noooooo. The one time I decide not to put my earbuds in to listen to music is the one time the needle decides that it doesn’t want to find my spinal fluid sack in my spine. It took a good ten, twenty minutes to finally feel the spinal fluid drip out from the needle. Never had I welcomed that feeling so much in my life.

As each second ticked by that my doctor couldn’t get the spinal fluid out, the more I worried that they’d have to take the needle out and either redo it or book the appointment for another day. But everyone assured me that I’d get it that day no matter what, and they were right.

My injection site was in a lot more pain than previous times, as well as my lower spine when I put my head back to eat. But I was grateful to have the synthetic DNA back in my system. Although, more than a month later, I still don’t feel like I have all of my strength back. Especially when it comes to my core strength. But I’m hoping as I don’t have to go through all of this approval garbage for another year, Spinraza should build itself back up in my chemistry.

#sma #biogen #spinal muscular atrophy #spinraza #rare diseases #disability #hope #rebel wheels #strength #wheelchair

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faye-99 · 5 years

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2018: thank u, next

2018 has been the absolute worst and the absolute best year of my life and I'm about to take you through it.

❗️Disclaimer: This is gonna be long.❗️

From January until the middle of June, so many ties with people were cut, especially with a girl I considered to be my best friend for several years, furthermore, I destroyed ties with family members I felt were necessary due to their toxicity, lies, and immaturity at their age, and even went through an extremely failure of a relationship that somehow went off and on. Needless to say, I felt very alone at the first half of this year. It straight up SUCKED... but I got promoted at work though which honestly felt very unexpected but very welcome.

However, it got better. The second half of June up until now, many of the negative things that had happened to me started to turn around super quickly. I got rid of these sources of toxicity and began to form new bonds with others and strengthen with those who stuck by me. I am so grateful to those homies for sticking it out with me through the first half of 2018.

Also, I got a new place with some chill AF roommates! The area is nice and there's so many places to eat! My room is quite big and enough for a big bed and my streaming set up! I definitely made it a point to still stream on top of my primary job! Gotta get dat money.

The cherry on top: SUPER. CLOSE. TO WERK~

To continue the already amazing streak, the FINAL FANTASY XIV Fan Festival in Las Vegas was SUPER amazing, it received so much positive feedback with barely any bumps in the road. I was on stage for the first time during this event and took charge of the costume contest which went hella amazing and I want to do it again! I already have plans to make it better for the next time! Seriously, I felt everyone's energy making this event an amazing one for sure.

After Fan Fest concluded, I then went on to receive a sponsorship from Crescent Esports. I couldn't believe someone like me got something as amazing as this. I'm eternally grateful to them and have been so hype for what lies ahead with this organization.

Honorable mentions of the year: meeting one of my FGC idols was DOPE, Anime Expo was aight, Power Morphicon was great and my notoriety as a female red ranger grew tremendously, I saw my homie start his own catering business, a friend come to terms with himself, saw a friend fall in love, and I was in London for work~!! Pretty amazing!

Last, because she is THE best, the biggest positive impact of the year was meeting my amazing girlfriend. We met during E3, and even though it was a rough road since then since I just got out of a relationship when she and I started dating, she made me the happiest girl in the world when she asked me to be hers on the weekend of EVO 2018.

This year's EVO btw was where I had the best record of my FGC career, 3-2, using the character I genuinely love, Sakura. I went 3-2 while she was still a "busted" character but yo, she lookin' HELLA good in season 4~!! 🌸

Getting back on track, my girlfriend has been there for me in so many ways and has been inspiring me to become a better person each day. She has been the main reason why my days have been filled with happiness and joy. It's been so refreshing and relieving to finally be with someone who isn't ashamed of me because of my life choices. I can't wait for what the future holds in store for us. 💙💛

➡️TLDR⬅️ The first half of 2018 SUCKED. The second half of 2018 was the best time of my life.

I'm glad it's coming to a close and I'm hoping to bring the good vibes to 2019 and onwards. Thanks for stickin' with me. 💛

#Bye2018 #Hello2019 #thank u next

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mvssmallow · 6 years

Photo

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part II: …of swimming pools

Masterlist

Everyone tells them that she has his dimples and eyes but every time he looks at her face, all he can see is Jiwon’s toothy smile and cheeky smirk. They paint her room pale blue but her shoes are always red, like the shade of shiny ripe apples.

****

He tells himself, time after time, not to take anything for granted. And he doesn’t. Not Jiwon’s undivided attention, or how he always asks for advice (as if there weren’t more qualified people in his life to give them), or texts and phone calls about nothing. On top of that list is waking up next to that familiar warm body with all it’s reassuring weight, living and breathing beside him.

He knows that soon enough, in the not too distant future, all these things will fade and become few and far between. He knows it’s coming, like stormclouds on the horizon. But you can’t get on top of the mountain without shedding a few things. Sacrifices and compromises will have to be made and if he has to be the one doing most of that, so be it.

I guess that’s what you get for being in love with someone so amazing.

It’s so easy to love Jiwon in his mind and in his heart but it’s still difficult to say it out loud, he doesn’t pretend that it’s getting easier as the months go by, because it doesn’t. If anything, it’s even worse because the stakes keep getting higher and higher.

Love is for crazy people. Crazy brave people. He doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard but it is. Acknowledging all their feelings makes everything real. To accept that he’s in love is to accept that he’s now got a weakness and responsibility. To be attached to someone is to leave yourself vulnerable to the possibility that they might one day leave. But it’s all or nothing, he can’t have all the good parts without accepting the bad. Love takes all kinds of courage. There’s no bravery in being alone, there’s just survival, which isn’t the same thing. Before Jiwon, he’s pretty sure he wasn’t living at all, just merely surviving.

Maybe Jiwon’s trip to Japan wasn’t such a bad thing. He can get used to being alone again and wean himself off needing Jiwon so much. Not that he wants to admit that either but one day, he won’t get to decide anymore. He won’t be in control of their lives and wanting Jiwon won’t be as easy as just reaching out across some crumpled sheets and wordlessly demanding it. At some point, he won’t be the most important thing in Jiwon’s life and he’ll have to wait for the sun to shine his way, like everyone else.

Right on cue, as if Jiwon heard him waking up, a text message buzzes on his phone.

[morning baby, its freezing here! its gonna be sunny in sk tho]

[thnx for packing the coat, wearin it now]

Yeah, he’s going to miss this so much one day, especially being called baby. Nobody has ever called him that before. He hates it; how much he loves hearing it. Yes, call me baby. I am your baby.

[hey, you’re welcome. How are you feeling? How’s the hangover?]

[im ok. headache tho]

[did you take the tablets I packed?]

[yeah i did, thanks]

[wish i was there with you]

[you are]

[what?]

[took you with me]

There’s a photo that loads on his screen. It’s all the layers of clothes on Jiwon’s chest: a pink t-shirt underneath a familiar gray hoody underneath that caramel coloured coat that they both share.

He knows what Jiwon’s doing, the implication and explanation coming in a photo because he can’t articulate it in a text message. It fills him with so much fondness that his chest constricts violently and he can feels the start of a tear in the corner of his eye. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?

[great, now what am I supposed to wear?]

[lol idk go naked]

[south korea isn’t ready for that]

[haha! you can practice when i come back, ok?]

[you wish]

[i do actually]

[shut up Jiwon]

[lol, i gotta go. Jin’s glaring at me]

[Good Luck with your meeting]

[Thanks baby. Love you. xj]

[You too. xxh]

[have a good day]

[go to your meeting, you loser]

[say something nice at least]

[ok, how’s this: I’ll be thinking of you and I hope something good happens to you today.]

[yeah, not bad, whatever. talk to you later]

[JIWON!]

[lol jk jk. I miss you. Have a good day baby, do something crazy]

He can’t stop smiling after that. What would Murakami write about him right now? Laying naked in bed with the sun streaming through his curtains, smiling like an idiot at his ceiling. Is this what contentment feels like?

He reads Jiwon’s last message again and scrolls through all the photos that Jiwon has sent him from Japan. He scrolls so far back that he lands on a photo of his little sister, holding her ballet trophy proudly. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, too long really, and no matter what he does, there’s no ignoring the guilt.

His self esteem is managable at best and diabolical at it’s worst. He doesn’t want to be one of those guys who constantly waxes lyrical about love but in all honesty, it really does heal a lot of things, some that he didn’t even know were broken in the first place. Jiwon’s love is no ordinary love though, it must be the extra-strength-triple-fortified-eternally-lasting kind because it gives him courage at times when he has none.

His sister is still smiling at him through his phone screen and before he really knows what he’s doing, his fingers have already hit the dial button.

“Hanbin?”

“Hi mum.”

Yeah, love might give you courage but it takes a crazy kind of courage to get involved with it in the first place.

****

He fingers the soft gray fabric of Hanbin’s hoody and tries not to feel completely underdressed in the room full of slick designer rappers. Clothes don’t mean shit. He knows that but there’s no escaping Jin’s sigh when he climbs into the car and the fact that he looks like the odd one out.

Doc McKinney was surrounded by a crowd 3 people deep. The meeting is over in an anti-climatic ten minutes. Everyone wanted to meet the famous american producer and on the hierarchy of importance, he was right at the bottom. He might be known in Seoul’s underground rap scene but here, he was just another fish in an even bigger ocean. He’s not entirely sure why Beatbox wanted him to go because Doc Mckinney doesn’t even know who he is but at least they could speak English and ended up talking about Bob Marley. That was something.

He’s standing at one of the big windows afterwards, trying to take a photo of the Tokyo skyline to send home, thinking of how much he wants to take Hanbin here one day.

“Korean?”

He turns to his left to see a tall thin man with long black hair, a straggly beard and thick glasses. He doesn’t remember meeting him but there’s something in that voice that he recognises. The stranger doesn’t even look at him, preferring just to stare out the window.

“Yes?” He replies, both curious and cautious.

“Get dressed in the dark this morning, kid?”

He looks down at his outfit and yeah, okay, he really did get dressed in the dark this morning. It doesn’t stop him from feeling defensive about Hanbin’s grey hoodie and their caramel coloured coat. Who does this guy think he is?

“Excuse me? I don’t-”

There’s a quite snort next to him. “Relax. You look fine. Stood out like a sore thumb though didn’t you? In that sea of Supreme? Couldn’t tell one guy from the other.”

“Oh, I guess?”

“What’s with all the pink? Your girlfriend dress you? ”

He smiles at his reflection in the glass window. “Yeah, something like that.”

“What company you with?”

“Beatbox.”

“Ahh, Jin. He’s been looking for his Neo all these years. I’m surprised he didn’t dress you up himself.” The guy chuckles. “Must have a lot of faith in you to bring you all the way here for a pointless trip.”

He’s just about protest when the guy turns to face him with a pensive look on his face. “They treating you alright? You gotta watch out for these big companies.”

Whatever he was about to say gets swallowed back down, his mouth opening and closing comically to the point where he gets laughed at again. He doesn’t have much of a temper but there are time where it grates on his nerves a little too much. But even then, he wasn’t raised by wolves, his mother did teach him some manners and he doesn’t want to let Hanbin down by burning any bridges.

“Yeah, things have been good so far.” He kicks himself, unsure what the protocol is when a stranger asks him about Beatbox. This was one thing that Jin hadn’t finish coaching him on. “I haven’t released anything yet though.”

There’s another laugh followed by the shake of a head. “Yeah, he’s really putting all his money and reputation on you, huh? Smart guy though. Indie company mentality with corporate company ambitions and money. Just don’t let them blindside you guys.”

He’s seen those eyes before, the watery thoughtfulness that always looks like it’s watching and reading you the entire time. And that voice…..he knows that voice. Why can’t he place it?

“Sorry, have we met?”

The guy shrugs. “Doubt it, kid. What’s your name?”

“Jiwon.”

“That your rap name?”

“No…no, it’s Bobby.”

“Of course it is.” The guy smiles but doesn’t bother to introduce himself. “How are you liking Japan?”

This entire conversation was like a car driving in and out of traffic; constantly changing lanes, veering sharp lefts and abrupt rights. He has no idea where it’s going or what the agenda is. It’s almost like talking to Hanbin.

And just like that, his focus shifts back to South Korea, where it’s sunny, and to that pokey little apartment, where there’s a sleepy neurotic writer still tangled in their sheets. His fingers come up to absentmindedly smooth over the soft fabric of his coat.

“It’s really nice. Kind of a waste to be here for business in some ways.” He laughs. “Wish the person who dressed me was here.”

“Ahhh.” The Guy says quietly, like he understands the context. Maybe he does. “Well. Work hard. Write often. Learn everything, especially when to shut up. Don’t let anybody change the part of you that makes you you. That’s always the first thing they’ll try to do. But I got a good feeling about you, kid. Put in the work and maybe next time you’re here, you can bring that girl of yours.”

He wants to correct the assumption but there’s someone calling him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, kid. I’ll see you around.”

There’s a brief pat on his back before the Guy disappears through the sea of Supreme again.

Jin eventually catches up with him. “Who were you talking to?”

“I have no idea.” He says earnestly. He really had no idea and maybe he just hallucinated some kind of rap yoda. God, he needs either caffeine or sleep.

No such luck. Jin has him sitting through another meeting with a smaller company this time and as tired as he is, he hears the words of Rap Yoda and Hanbin echoing in his ears. He doesn’t really want to be there but he’s going to act like he does. Hanbin would probably find out if he’s slacking off and kick his ass when he gets back home.

So he turns on the charm, laying it so thick that no-one will ever forget that they met him. Jin and the team seem happy, so he guesses he’s doing something right. They eat at some barbecue joint that serves ice cold Asahi. He wants to avoid more alcohol but chicken without beer is like Jiwon without Hanbin and that just goes against the laws of the Universe.

Everywhere they walk is just another place he wants to show Hanbin one day. The tiny hedgehog cafe (with real live hedgehogs!). The waffle shop that makes dog shaped desserts. The toy store with a life sized Rilakuma at the entrance. The endless bookstores with original Murakami and scrolls of beautiful traditional brush calligraphy on the walls. The parks lined with cherry blossom trees and ivy.

He takes photos of everything and sends them all to Hanbin’s phone.

****

He feels like a stranger knocking on the dark red door and he feels like it was a lifetime ago that he used to live here. They were a happy family once, so he knows it’s possible but he doesn’t know if they will ever be like that again. Some wounds are just too deep.

But there was always his sister. She has nothing to do with all their mess and deserves some kind of normalcy. And it’s really that thought that drove him here today. Maybe his relationship with his parents will never go back to normal but at least he still has his sister.

“HANBIN!!” He hears her before he sees her and for all her ballerina’s grace, she has the tendency to crash into him at 100kph and hang off his neck like she was still 5 years old. He’s glad that hasn’t changed.

“Hey Peanut.” He smiles, half breathless by the tiny monster truck that just crashed into him. “Missed me?”

Hanbyul lets go and grimaces, her words directly contradicting her actions. “No.”

“Yeah sure.” He chuckles and flicks one of her ponytails. “Did mum tell you why I’m here?”

“She just said you were visiting.” Hanbyul says, eyes inquisitive but with a shade of melancholy that shouldn’t be natural at her age. “Are you visiting? Are they still mad at you?”

He sighs inwardly, telling himself to keep it together. When he spoke to his mother this morning, the request was simple: he just wanted to take his sister out for the day. But like everything that seems to happen in their family, a simple request can turn into a drama production.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna go talk to them for a bit. I’m come get you after okay?”

She’s 9 years old now but when he leaves her standing in their hallway, she still looks like the toddler that he remembers following him around everywhere.

He doesn’t have to search very far for his parents, they’re both in the kitchen table when he walks in, his mum pouring tea (like he was some kind of guest) and his dad sitting at the table with a grave look on his face (like someone died).

“Hi. Mum…..dad….” He greets them awkwardly.

“Hanbin, come in. Sit sit.” At least his mum was trying to be kind. He feels a surge of love for her then and doesn’t know why he ever doubted her support. “Are you hungry? I know you want to go out for lunch but well, you aunt brought over some cake so here, have some cake.”

He nods absentmindedly, flashing her a small smile even though he really wasn’t in the mood for cake. He can see the strain on her face but she’s trying and so should he. “Thanks mum.”

The clock ticks too loudly as they just sit and stare at the grains of wood on the dinner table. His dad clears his throat eventually and they all hold their breath.

“So, how are you?”

Stay calm, Hanbin. You can do this.

“I’m fine, dad. How have you been?”

“Oh you know, the blood pressure is no good. Dr. Park has got me on too many medications. Something about my risk of a heart attack and decreasing my salt intake. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Part of him expected this, the overly mundane conversation, and part of him is relieved that they weren’t shouting at each other from the moment he set foot in the house.

“He’s a good doctor.” He says, trying to keep the facade going. “He doesn’t really think you’re going to have a heart attack does he?”

His dad snorts derisively. “ He’s just trying to scare me. He wants me to cut out soy sauce but this is Korea, what a ridiculous request.”

“Are you taking the medication at least?”

“Oh god, not you too.” His dad sighs loudly. “First your mother and now you? For the record, yes I am taking my medications.”

There’s a long silent pause and he knows what’s on all their minds but doesn’t know how how to start talking about it.

“How’s work?”

“We’re on holidays at the moment but it’s been great.”

“You know, there’ll always be a job at my company if you want it. It’ll be a pay rise, if you ever want to move out of that shoebox you live in.”

He frowns again, fingernails digging into his palms under the table. There will never be a time where his dad isn’t disappointed in him.

Keep it together, Hanbin. Think of Hanbyul. This isn’t about you.

“I’m fine where I am. I’m getting help with the rent now anyway.”

His words, and all its implications, hang in the air between them. They all want to talk about Jiwon so they might as well just get it over with.

“Is that still…..” His dad trails off, pausing for a beat before finishing his sentence. “How is that going?”

He hears it, the strain in his dad’s voice, the way he almost had to force the words out in some kind of neutral civil tone. That must be his mother’s influence. He knows they both really want to ask, “Is it still going?”

“It’s going great.” He says, looking at the dense chocolate cake his mum pushes towards him and avoiding any other eye contact. “He’s in Japan right now.”

“Japan? What for?”

Does he want to do this now? Start telling Jiwon’s life story to a man who might never accept them? But if not now, then when?

“For work. He’s um….he got a record deal. He’s a musician. He’s over there for some business meetings.” They can all hear the shakiness in his voice but nobody mentions it, so there was at least that.

“Oh.” His dad says. “Your mother said he worked in that garage downtown. Since when was he a musician?”

He looks up in surprise, first to his mum, who gives him an encouraging smile, then slowly to his dad, who is wearing a genuinely shocked expression.

“He’s always been one. He just got signed recently.”

There’s another long heavy pause and then all pretend to eat the cake that nobody has an appetite for.

“Did you read the contract?” His dad asks suddenly, eyes now serious and focused, like he must be in all his business meetings. “Before he signed it, did you read it?”

He almost feels like smirking, if his dad wanted to talk business, then they will talk business. It’s the one topic where they have some common ground. “Of course I did.”

“What company did he sign with?”

“Beatbox. It’s a new subsidiary of Globalkore.”

“Which law firm is representing them?”

“Lee & Ko.”

His dad hums in what he knows is approval. It gives him emotional whiplash.

“Did you have to re-negotiate any terms?”

“Only a few. We got them all. It wasn’t really that hard.”

He eats more of the cake, finally able to swallow some of it down. He can see his dad’s mouth opening with hesitation before closing again with resignation. Being good at business and law is one thing but wanting to make a career out of it is an entirely different thing. They’ve had The Family Business conversation so many times over the years. It always begins with his dad disappointed by his refusal to put that business-law degree into effect. It always ends with him storming out of the house, shouting about how art isn’t a worthless pursuit.

They’re all shocked when the conversation veers off somewhere else altogether.

“Is he pulling his weight? Helping you out? You’re not doing everything are you?”

He looks across at his dad, surprised that they were back to talking about Jiwon. It’s been some time since he’s really stopped and looked at his parents and their lives. His dad works hard at a job that carries more high stakes and stress than one person should be mentally permitted to. He’s not perfect, he’s hurt everyone in the family with his blunt words and careless actions but right now, there’s just a weary father with too many deeps lines on his face, worried about blood pressure tablets and his son’s future.

Something melts inside him. It’s not forgiveness, not even close, but it’s a small step in the right direction.

“Yeah dad, he’s helping out.”

There’s a crash outside the kitchen that makes them all jump. Hanbyul’s ponytails swing into view, along with the pot plant she tripped over. Their mum is up in a flash, sighing and gently scolding as she dusts the soil off Hanbyul’s jeans and leads her off into the bathroom to wash her hands.

“That’s your cue to go.” His dad says, getting up to help with the cleaning. “Have her back before dinner.”

He’s nodding and is just about to bend down to help when his dad waves him away. “No, I’ll take care of this. Go entertain her, she’s been bored of us for weeks now.”

“Okay. Um, thanks dad.” He says, feeling every bit like a child again.

“We haven’t told her anything about your….situation. If you insist on going through with all that, just think about what you say and who might end up hearing about it, not just for your sake but for everyone else’s too.”

Part of him wants to automatically snap back. Of course he knows all this. Of course he’ll be cautious. But he keeps his mouth shut and just nods again. It’s longest conversation they’ve probably had in 6 months that didn’t end in a some kind of argument or shouting match. It’s unsettling and foreign and he’s almost forgotten how to deal with it but sometimes you have to take a few hits in order to win the war.

“Come on Hanbin! I want to go to the pet store!” Hanbyul is tugging at his sleeve impatiently and he only has a brief moment with this mum on the way out.

“Thank you.” He whispers.

“For what?” She smiles mysteriously.

He pulls out of the driveway feeling off-balanced in a good way (if there was such a thing). There are more questions than answers and he still doesn’t know where his dad stands on the topic of Jiwon but at least they were all talking and his sister seems to be doing okay. So for now, that’s enough.

****

“What were you talking about with mum and dad?” Hanbyul asks over lunch. “Why did you look so serious?”

“They’re just worried about my life. That’s what parents do.” He says with a smile. She is even more inquisitive than he ever was at this age. “They’ll worry about you too, when you decide to grow up.”

She scowls at him with the fury only a 9 year old girl can generate. “I’m not a baby!”

He reaches over to pull her hair away from her face so it doesn’t get stuck in her food. “Nah, you’re always gonna be a baby peanut. Better get used to it.”

Hanbyul glowers a few more times before suddenly deciding that it just wasn’t worth the energy to get upset. Kids these days.

“So they’re not mad anymore?”

“I think mum’s okay. Dad’s just tired, you know. I don’t think they’re as mad as they were before, there’s just some adult things we need to figure out right now.” He kicks himself immediately as soon as he gets the words out because his sister pounces on them without missing a beat.

“Like what? What things?”

He sighs. He is never going to come out of this conversation alive. His sister had concentrated Kim genes- all the tenacious charm of their mum mixed with all the cunning intelligence of their dad. It’s a potent combination in a tiny 9 yo human.

“Like my job and my apartment. Stuff like that. It’s boring. You don’t want to hear about it.”

She wipes her mouth daintily and stares lasers at him. “Do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

He’s so taken aback that he can only laugh. “What?! Where did you hear that?”

“My friend Mina said that her brother has a girlfriend that’s a boy because some people have girlfriends who are girls and some people have girlfriends who are boys. So do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

Kids these days.

“That is the weirdest question.” He says, shaking his head. “You know that having a girlfriend whose a boy is just like having a boyfriend right? It’s the same thing. Some people like boys and some people like girls and some people like both.”

He kicks himself again. His parents will kill him for introducing their innocent daughter to the idea of bisexuality. He might as well start digging his own grave now.

“I know that Hanbin!” Hanbyul says, rolling her eyes condescendingly. She’s just a baby, when did she learn to roll her eyes? And where the hell did she learn about bisexual dating?!

“How do you know? Who told you that?”

“Mina’s brother picks her up from ballet and sometimes there’s a boy and sometimes there’s a girl with him. And Miss Lee said that some of the famous ballet dancers are like that and it doesn’t make them bad or weird. Oh! Do you know Tiler, Hanbin? She’s my favourite dancer! Mum let me watch her videos on Youtube, she’s the best.”

He just shakes his head. This whole time, he was agonising over how to explain to his sister that he was gay and in 10 minutes, she’s already explained the concept back to him.

“No, I haven’t heard of her. You need to show me one day.” He reaches across to tuck more wayward strands of hair away from her face. “Does it bother you that some of your favourite dancers like boys or girls?”

Hanbyul shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s weird sometimes.”

He knew it wasn’t going to be all smooth sailing. Maybe his sister understands that more than one type of couple exists but beyond that is harder to come to terms with.

“Why’s it weird?”

“Because it’s weird!” She says, exasperated by her 9 yo brain’s inability to articulate its own thoughts.

“What if it was me? Would you think it’s weird?”

She looks at him with wide eyes for a moment but slowly shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re weird.”

“Well, good. You shouldn’t hate people or tease them because of who they like, okay? You wouldn’t want someone hating you for liking ballet and Tiler right?”

She’s nodding her head but too fixated on her food and chopsticks so he doesn’t really know how much sinks in but this is enough for one day. There’s no point ruining their day together with social politics, there’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s older.

****

Jin finally releases him at 5:30pm.

He goes straight to the hotel room and falls face first onto the bed. There’s the temptation to just crawl under the sheet and sleep but he knows it’ll mean waking up in the middle of the night because he’s missed dinner.

Hanbin hasn’t replied to any of his photo messages, which makes him irrationally worried even though he knows there’s probably a good reason for it.

To distract himself, he decides to check out the rooftop pool in the hotel. It’s dinner time for most guest and he’s relieved to find the 25 metre pool empty. It’s an indoor pool but encased by glass windows so you can see everything outside, including the evening sky.

After attempts at some hard and fast laps, he’s too exhausted to do much more than just float on his back and stare out the glass ceiling. The sky was violet, it reminds him of the colour of the sky on his birthday. It wasn’t the first birthday he’s had with a boyfriend but it was the first birthday where he was given a gift that meant something.

He still can’t get over the mixtapes. Nobody has ever made him anything like that before. Teenage confession letters were one thing but four mixtapes with handwritten tracklists were another thing altogether. 1 hour per tape equals four hours of music and probably days or weeks of thoughts and consideration on Hanbin’s part. That’s his favourite present. It wasn’t so much about the tapes themselves or the songs on them, it was really the knowledge that Hanbin sat down and put so much effort into something just for his birthday. It hits him in the gut when he thinks about it and lyrics start forming in his head as he floats in the warm water.

Locked with your thoughts I’m swimming With u right here I’m swimming With no-one else I’m swimming Wanna be with u

He eats dinner with the windows wide open so he can stare at the glittering night lights of Tokyo and listen to the ‘Before Sunset’ tape at the same time. The sky was dark indigo now and even though Hanbin was still not replying, he sends a photo of the night skyline anyway.

He recognises the song through his headphones, it’s something he remembers hearing somewhere before. Maybe when he was younger, when his family was still in America and they had long hot summers down the West Coast with the radio playing in the car. He lets the nostalgia wash over him, wondering how the hell Hanbin managed to find a song that incapsulated his childhood without even being there.

He’s playing with the little cardboard insert in the cassette case when he sees something written on the inside of the spine.

“I’m not good with words, so I’m using this to tell you instead.”

He wants to laugh because he’s read Hanbin’s articles and knows a talent when he sees one but on the other hand, Hanbin has always had trouble saying what he means and meaning what he says. Some people are better writing words and some are better verbalising them. Hanbin is the former and he himself is definitely the latter.

And right on cue, as if Hanbin heard his thoughts, there’s a message that buzzes on his phone.

[Hey sorry, had a big day. How did it go over there?!]

[Gonna look at all the photos in bed later]

[its was ok, we got along but it was only a quick 10 min thing. Hallucinated a Rap Yoda tho]

[what?]

[was takng a photo to show u and this dude just starts talkn to me like yoda in the sw movies]

[who was he?]

[IDK! super weird]

[That is weird. How’s the headache, feeling better?]

[yeah its fine. how was ur day? do anythng crazy?]

[Actually….yes]

[omg what]

[Talked to my dad]

He stares at the words for a full 5 seconds before attempting to think of a reply. With his chest thumping, he dials Hanbin’s number instead.

“Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me! What happened?!” He nearly shouts down the line.

“Tell me about your day first?”

“Fuck no. Yours is more important!”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin was using his Responsible Adult Voice.

“Hanbin….” He echoes in his own serious voice.

There’s a sigh from the other end. “Okay, fine. Well, I was in a good mood this morning so I rang mum to ask her if I could take Hanbyul out for lunch and she said I had to come over and talk to dad about it because they probably think I’m going to introduce her to being gay or something. Anyway, I went over and we talked and nobody punched anyone in the face. So it was a pretty good day.”

There’s a pause then but Hanbin stays silent.

“And then what?” He asks impatiently. “Did he say anything about us? Or me?”

“He offered me a job again but mostly he wanted to know about your contract with Beatbox. He was worried about us not reading fine print and signing a dodgy deal. It’s a business school thing.” Hanbin says, almost distractedly.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“You told him about my contract?”

There’s a quiet intake of air before Hanbin speaks again. “Shit. Did you not want me to? I’m sorry Jiwon! I just thought that-”

“No, it’s fine! I don’t care that you told him. It’s just, why would he be interested in that? Last time you all talked, there was shouting and they stormed out.”

“Yeah I know.” Hanbin says wearily. “I think mum got to him. Wore him down as usual. I didn’t ask her to do that but I think she did it anyway.”

“So, are they just okay with us now?”

His heart jumps with hope but he’s been in these situations before, with equally homophobic parents, and he knows that false hope is the cruelest of them all.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t know what my dad thinks. They’re both trying and that’s all I can honestly say right now.” Hanbin finishes earnestly. “Hanbyul seems okay though, thank God. At least they haven’t messed her up too badly yet.”

“Oh yeah? That’s good. I want to meet her one day.”

“I know. I want you to meet her too but….”

“…just not right now. It’s fine Hanbin. Don’t stress about it, it’ll happen when it happens.”

Hanbin hums a vague response and there’s another pause.

“So tell me about your day?”

He sits in the chair facing the big window and watches all the lights flicker over the city in the distance. Hanbin doesn’t even interrupt him, he’s known for awhile that Hanbin finds his voice soothing and he wonders if he was ever read to as a child.

He’s half way through describing the hedgehog cafe when his body gives up being in an upright position.

“Sorry babe, I need to get into bed, gonna crash soon.”

“It’s okay, me too. My chest is killing me. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“I’m coming back tomorrow.” He says with a tired laugh. “Why’s your chest killing you?”

“It’s nothing.” Hanbin says quickly. “I’ll let you go. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow? Your flight lands at 4pm right?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you.”

“Okay. You want me to hang up first?”

“Yeah.” He laughs quietly. “Night baby, love you.”

“I…..me too.” Hanbin says, only slightly tripping over the words. “See you tomorrow.”

His eyes are already half closed by the time he gets in bed but he doesn’t sleep straight away, instead he scribbles all the bits of lyrics that seem to flood his head all the sudden. He dreams of swimming pools, dimple smiles, violet skies and mixtapes. He can’t think of a title, that’ll just have to wait till morning.

****

He hangs up first because Jiwon still can’t do that for some reason. His chest is aching but there’s something about the pain mixed with everything good that happened today that makes him itch to write it all down. His laptop glows into life but the words don’t look right on the sterile whiteness of the computer screen. Instead, he opens up the playlist he made for Jiwon and reaches for the notebook he jammed under the mattress all those months ago.

It’s cold and smooth underneath his finger tips, the paper old and slightly yellowing with age. His favourite black pen still glides over it just like it used to. This feels better. It feels familiar.

So he writes.

Cloudy With A Chance: Chapter 0....

****

Soundtrack: Tiny Dancer -Elton John | Your Song -Lady Gaga (cover)

#if you got the swimming pool reference....i am VERY proud of you haha #Cloudy With A Chance #please play the music #Tiny Dancer is for two people #i always intended it to be for Jiwon but then it fit for her too haha #that Tiny Dancer video is amazing btw-it's very LA MOOD #a bit of a vague gifset but otherwise it'd be too spoilery #Double B #ikon #hanbin #jiwon #bobby #cwac

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