#the vibes of this ask are so weird but ill answer it anyway

[todayisafridaynight]

Yo in the Yakuza world who would get an only fans? male and female please.

shinada and adachi absolutely are subscribers. shinada's excuse is that he can write a report on the modern era's sex-worker culture, adachi's just an earnest enjoyer of gals.

i feel like on a whim nanba would get an onlyfans but after like. a day or two would be over it and/or he might start pitying himself and will try to act like it never happened

i don't think ichi would get one for self-gratifying purposes, but he'd probably be interested in the concept of it at least: he knows about the sex worker industry from the 80's-90's, so it'd prob be like a Oh That's An Interesting Turn kind of deal for him to look into it

rina (YK1 hostess) might have an OF she posts to but she prob only ever borders on showing full nudity. she def likes watching other girls tho

and uhhhhh thats it on my rgg x onlyfans takes LMAO ???? everyone else is too busy being depressed and traumatized to get their rocks off. or asexual idk

[kokoasci]

hey hiii love your art and i am astonished by your background composition, is there a process behind that or maybe tips you would share ?

hi!! thank you! this kind of like depends per piece, im not a professional artist (compsci student, so take my advice as a student with no formal art studies with enough salt to taste) but i do have a kind of general-ish process that i can talk about like with this scara piece comp:

i work pose first, composition second: i.e. i draw a pose and usually refine it before i start thinking about a background lol 😭

working general -> specific is my best friend, and I think it also helps me evolve a drawing as i go, since i don't usually have an idea for a full composition when i start (that's so stressful to me LMAO) you can see this progress here (i erased the basic guidelines though so theres no facial features, but i usually leave the face for last anyway because it helps me fit in an expression better)

by the time i have a full pose THEN ill start refining to an actual composition. this is also the point at which i decide to start putting actual effort in

then i just. fill the background with objects, usually ones that have a connection to the character or vibe im trying to fit. this is a weird example because the only things i know about scaramouche is there's some sort of like connection with puppets and he also likes his vision so i played with that idea, which is kind of where those fishes and the general pose came from. (i go into more detail about this here!)

i originally wanted to have puppet strings for those objects as you can see below but it made the final piece kind of muddy so i took them out :(

then its just coloring, which is usually what takes me the longest because im so. indecisive 😭 i like to keep depth and 3d space as the like #1 thing in my mind while coloring though and how shadows will work with that, because i think it helps a piece pop out way more

and that's how i get my compositions !! i make it seem pretty streamlined here please know it's a lot of redoing whole parts of the drawing and fixing the background/foreground until im happy with the finished result

thank you for asking, i hope this helped answer the question <3

[netherfeildren]

FEAR OF GOD : Chapter II : Although a monster [Joel] could be charming in company

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x OFC

Content Warnings: Angst, possessive behavior, unprotected sex (there are no condoms in the apocalypse, only vibes), oral sex (f!receiving), squirting, brief non-graphic descriptions of medical procedures / illness,  brief discussion of avoiding meals (no reference to any sort of ED), stupid! Joel ™️

Summary: Joel gets a little stupid and a little jealous.

Rating: Explicit 18+

A/N: I wanted to mention that that I've altered the timeline a smidge to benefit my own whims. So the Joel we find here is about 50-51 and our reader is in her mid to late 20's (cw: age gap 🤓) Everything else in the timeline is the same up until Joel and Ellie return to Jackson.

Another thing, I hella make shit up in this chapter. I talk about a surgical device and there’s discussions of like mechanical/electrical engineering? which I know fuck all about. So if it reads as nonsense I sincerely apologize. There’s a fair bit of character/world building in this ch. so I hope you all can bear with me for a smidge. There is the gift of porn at the end though >:) 

Chapter title is from Anne Carson’s Autobiography of Red (my favorite book in the whole world which everyone should read). Art is Intimacy by Angelica Alzona

Word count: a whopping 9.6k (I'm so sorry 😭)

Read on AO3

CHAPTER II: Although a monster [Joel] could be charming in company

What it looked like?

Like fucking the forest for once birdless, beastless.

Like measuring the distance between all that’s lost

and everything else that, even now, waved at 

hard enough sometimes,

will sometimes wave back.

But it felt like swallowing the sea– 

being forced to, ships and all. 

Then a silence as vast as it was particular.

The like holding a mirror up to Apollo

and expecting his face there, when Apollo’s always been

faceless, obviously, being a god.

And the hand still holding the mirror up anyway.

And the face not showing.

-Carl Phillips, Star Map with Action Figures

“I mean, yeah, I’d fuckin’ like to think so. I’m not sure. She told me –”

“Ellie, you’re overthinking the hell out of it.”

“I am not,” she grumbles.

“You’re a dumbass,” you deadpan.

That riles her up. “Me?! You!”

“What’ve I done? It’s pretty obvious what’s happening here – Dina wants you to ask her out – you’re too chicken shit to step up.”

“Okay, genius. Y’don’t know what you’re talking about, first of all.” The sass on this girl, honestly. The two of you sit together at the picnic tables that’d been set out in the town center for the monthly barbecue. “You think you’re so damn smart. Well lemme just ask you this, what’s going on with Joel? You two’ve been weird as fuck lately.” That shuts you up quick.

“Don’t even start with that. The answer is nothing.”

She gives you that knowing look of hers, but let’s it go. Silently says: I know this hurts, so I won’t push. Out loud: “You started it, motherfucker.” You yank on her bangs, and she swats you away. “Maybe I should call you a fatherfucker instead,” she cackles. 

“Oh my god, I actually hate you.” You try and swat her back, yank on her bangs again. 

“What’re you two schemin’ about?” Joel’s voice comes from behind you.

“Speak’a the devil,” she says under her breath, starting to gather up her empty plate.“Nothing–” She shoots up, and brushes past, “Gotta go. We’ll talk later,” not even sparing him a glance. You look between the two of them wishing there was anything you could do to help them bridge this cold distance between them. She turns before walking off, gives you the finger behind his back. 

“Ellie, hold on a sec,” you call after her, but she’s off.

“It’s fine,” Joel says. “Leave it.”

“I’m sorry,” shielding your eyes from the bright sun, you look up into his serious face.

He shakes his head. “Nothin’ for you to be sorry about. Ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.” And that stings. Off-handedly as it’s said, it stings that he thinks their rift doesn’t affect you, make you hurt for the two of them.

How could he ever think that after everything he’d told you about Sarah –  a night that’d made you feel closer to him than ever before, while you two lay in bed, still damp and trembling – that you’d not worry about his relationship now with Ellie? Who you knew he loved like a daughter, even if he was incapable of saying it out loud. How could he think it had nothing to do with you now? After what he’d told you about himself in the aftermath of Sarah. That moment, his confession, could sustain you for a lifetime of this push and pull if necessary. With trust like that, what else mattered? Very little, you thought. 

“You get everything done you needed to?” he threads his fingers through the hair at the nape of your neck, and bends to press a soft kiss to your temple. 

You sigh, basking in this small tenderness he offers you after his casual hurt. “Yeah, we finished.” Sometimes you wonder if there’s something wrong with you, taking all this in stride. Luxuriating in his offerings of tenderness and vulnerability one second, swallowing the way he casually brushes you off another. Surely there must be something wrong with you. Especially because, when it comes down to it, you don’t really care as much as you think you should . 

“How’d it go?” You’d had to debride some areas from Mr. Schwartz’s diabetic foot this morning – super fun for the both of you . The foot was famous in Jackson. A great source of shrieks and giggles when the old man decided to pull it out in front of the kids as his so-called ‘party trick’. We all gotta bring something fun to the table, honey, he’d tell you when you tried to put on your false tone of admonishment with him. 

“Long – I had to take more than I’d initially thought I’d need to.”

“He alright?”

“Resting now… Just means it’ll be harder for him later on – take longer to recover, as best he can, in any case. And ideally, what he really needs is a boot – which we have – one… but it’s not in great condition. I don’t even know if it’ll fit him – or a wheelchair, and both of them are being used right now. So, seems my only other option is to order him into bed until I can figure something else out. And of course Connie’s all, this is on you, honey. I trust your judgment, honey. ” You deepen your tone and scrunch your brow trying to inflect Connie’s baritone. “As if that’s helpful.” 

He grips your chin, forcing you to take a breath, brushes his thumb across your bottom lip, and your eyes flutter shut, pressing a tiny kiss to the pad of his thumb. He hums a little, and you catch the flare of heat in his eyes. “You’ll worry yourself half to death, little bird. Take a breath.” You huff a small laugh. He was right about that, worry was heavy on your mind recently. About lots of different things. 

“I fixed you a plate,” you divert. 

“You didn’t have to do that, sweetheart. Thank you.” He swings his long leg over the bench to sit astride it, legs open to pull you between his thighs.

“S’alright. I was getting Connie’s anyway.” He digs in, and you card your fingers through his thick hair – overly long now, it brushes the collar of his shirt in the back, you’ll need to cut it for him soon – and watch the thick column of his throat ripple as he swallows. You press your thighs together – the sun is so strong today. You think it might be making you a little delirious. 

“You’re not eating.” It isn’t a question, posed more like an admonishment, paired with the severe crook of his brow. 

“Nah, I’m alright. Can’t have anything just yet after staring at that foot all morning,” you joke.

“You telling me you’re not as entertained by it as the kids are?” 

You roll your eyes at him. “Shocking, I know.”

He turns to give you an assessing glance now, “You sure you’re alright?”

“Just tired.” You lay your head in the cool, dark crook of his neck, breathe him in. “Birdie …” voice laced with concern – he tries to gently tug you back by your ponytail, but you burrow in further – press your lips to the pulsing vein in his neck. “I’m fine, Joel. Just tired, really.” He huffs. Grouchy man. 

“Hi, honey,” Connie shuffles up to the table. “Joel–” he nods, “You two alright ? That go a long time with Mr. Shwartz?” he asks. 

You’re grateful for the distraction from Joel’s fifth degree. “It was fine. Our handy dandy Bovie is so good.” You’d done your best recently to fashion an electrocautery device, like the ones they’d used before in surgery. The two of you had gathered the different parts over time and much voracious scavenging, to put the system together. “You’ve gotta try it next. We should be real proud of that.”

“You should be proud. You’ve got a nice mechanical mind in you, as well. You know, Joel, the body is just a machine of flesh and blood.” Connie turns his blue eyes, gone slightly milky now, on Joel, ready to impart his slice of wisdom – part lecture, part proud tirade for your benefit, as the younger man continues to work through his plate of barbecue. “She looks at the two the same way; it’s very impressive.” 

Joel finishes chewing: “Our girl is nothin’ if not impressive,” he says, giving you an impish little smirk. You pinch the inside of his thigh over the thick denim, not imparting nearly enough punishment as you’d like to. 

“Shut up,” you grouch at him. “Anyways, the lines were pretty sharp, the cauterization clean. A bit slow, though. I felt a bit held back – but not too bad, considering.”

“Considering…” Connie muses. He starts to eat as well, and the sight of the slick, sauce covered meat is slightly revolting. The sun is way too hot with the change of season into fall just on the cusp, and after staring at poor Mr. Schwartz’s mangled foot all day…  “I’m thinking with a little more juice it’ll be perfect. We just have to find a way to feed it more power without frying the whole system.”

“Yes…  it’s delicate,” he says slowly.”You should ask Noah for advice.” Joel is silent beside you, but you feel the tensing of his thigh beneath your palm at the mention of Noah’s name. “He’s always been very keen to help us in any way we need.”

“Oh, has he?” Joel drawls, in that monotone he loves to use when cutting people down. He can’t fucking stand Noah; it’s quite funny to you, actually. You nudge his knee with your own, still cradled between his spread legs, and drag your nails slowly up and down his thigh, only responding with a non-committal hum. He shifts his jaw in that way he’s wont to do when he’s especially aggravated, cocks his eyebrow at you. You give him a tiny little mocking tilt of your head. You’re sure he can see the laughter at his expense in your eyes. 

“Yes,” Connie continues, completely oblivious to the silent conversation going on between the two of you, “He’s very adept at anything electrical or mechanical. Although, you are, as well, Joel. Perhaps you could advise us too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I can take a look. Offer what I can.” 

You change the subject: “Teddy’s been in again this week.” One of the single mother’s in Jackson, Susanna’s son, Teddy, had been continuously ill the past few months. Coming down with different, seemingly unrelated afflictions on and off. His mother was beside herself with worry, and you and Connie were reaching your limits on what you could do to help him. Much less actually provide a clear answer as to a diagnosis. 

“Yes, I spoke to his mother last night. Some sort of ague again, undoubtedly.”

You roll your eyes at him affectionately. Connie loved to condemn undiagnosable patients with ‘the ague’. “Connie, the ague is absolutely not a valid form of diagnosis,” you laugh. That launches him into a tirade about the conundrum the boys posed to the both of you these past few weeks. And ague is a perfectly valid explanation, honey. Neither of you are certain what’s causing his bouts of illness. Though you’re reluctantly leaning towards something that won’t pose anything good for any of you; you’re trying to remain optimistic, but the uncertainty is taking a toll on the both of you, as well as his mother. 

As Connie goes on, there’s a hazy buzz rumbling around in your brain. Your temples throb, and you press the tender spot into the hard mass of Joel’s shoulder. He’s finished eating now, and you nuzzle into him, breathe in the warm scent of his skin and sweat, grip the hard swell of his bicep – the thick muscle has the most inappropriate arousal pooling low in your belly, but your stomach churns at the same time, and the sun is so damn bright. Too many opposing sensations going on within you all at once, you’re sure you’re on the verge of sun poisoning – dramatic – and it’s making you needy. Infecting you with ideas of crawling into his lap and having him cradle you. He stiffens beneath your attentions suddenly. The soothing large palm he’d been dragging up and down your spine goes still, pausing with his fingertips tucked just below the waistband of your jeans – as if he’s just now realizing how openly affectionate the two of you are being – his muscles go rigid at your display, and then that’s it. He’s pulling away. 

Your gut twists again, your head is really spinning now – you straighten in your seat, scoot back and out of the cradle of his thighs, as far as the bench allows you. Always fucking pulling away. He’s stiff and uncomfortable, but at your retreat he clicks his tongue at you, frowns a little, and you want to snap at his subtle admonishment – you started it, what are you frowning at me for?

Connie is still going on about Teddy. “You sure you’re alright, dear?” he interrupts himself. “You look a bit peaky.”

“I’m fine.” You stand abruptly, “I’ve got to head back, actually.” Joel turns to reach for you, but you step back and away from his fingers. The heat is definitely making you grouchy, sick; you’re not acting yourself. “I promised Mr. Schwartz I’d be back to check on him within the hour.” You don’t want to look at Joel anymore – you’re used to his sudden bouts of tension – discomfort – but something is setting you on edge today. 

“You should eat something before you go, honey,” Connie says – looking up at you with concern.

“I had something before I came. I’m okay.” You turn to look at Joel now, as the lie passes your lips, a provocation held in your eyes and tone.

He frowns, “You said –” 

“I’ll see you two later.”

“Birdie –” But you’ve turned from him before he can continue, walking away quickly. Your head is spinning, gut cramping and turning over on itself. The sun feels like it’s two feet away from you, bearing down on the crown of your head, and you know you’re about to be sick. Always fucking pulling away, always. It embarrasses you a little that you still chafe at it, the back of your eyes pinching and saliva pooling heavy on your tongue. You know the way he is. 

You make it back to the clinic just in time to vomit behind the bushes on the side of the house. 

Jesus. 

-

Susanna brings Teddy into the clinic late in the evening. You’ve just finished writing up your operative note for the ‘famous foot’ (Mr. Schwartz’s words, not yours) when she flies in, frantic, with the listless child in her arms. She tells you he’d been lethargic and without an appetite all day, but she’d chalked it up to fatigue and melancholy from being ill and bedridden so often, recently. His fever had crept up out of nowhere, and now Teddy was almost unconscious, burning hot and delirious – words slurring, eyes glassy. 

It’d been hours since then. Teddy was now resting quietly with cool compresses and ice bags tucked under his arms and against his neck which seemed to be helping. Susanna had retired to the back of the house to rest for a bit, and you now sat between Mr. Schwartz and the boy, quietly reading over a text both you and Connie had already gone over multiple times – hoping to find anything that’d inspire an explanation. Most concerningly of all, you’d noticed a smattering of purple-yellowish, sickly looking bruises along Teddy’s spine. It pushed you in the direction your mind had previously taken concerning what could potentially be the cause of all of this. And even though it was the first you’d seen of any bruising on him, it didn’t reassure you at all. 

-

“Joel’s here,” Nancy, the nurse that worked with you and Connie, says quietly from the doorway. You stand from your bedside vigil, sighing. It’s late, and you don’t want to do this now. A little embarrassed from your earlier fit. A lot tired from the long day and throwing up and the heat. 

“Can you come out and get me in two minutes, please? Interrupt us.” 

She gives you an assessing look. “Sure.”

You walk out to the office to find him leaning against your cluttered desk, bulging arms crossed against his chest, straining the sleeves of his button down. There’s a far off look in his eyes, scowl marring his brow, but when he looks up at you all the tightness in his countenance seems to melt away at the sight of you. “You alright?” His gaze is assessing – sweeping up and down your frame, taking everything in like always. The man sees entirely too much. 

“I’m fine. I need to stay here tonight, though.” You jerk your thumb back towards the exam room. “They need me.”

“You said you were tired.”

“It passed – just the sun.” He looks at you like he doesn’t really believe you. 

“About earlier—”

“It’s fine, Joel.” You feel too tired, too strung out, to give him an out by pretending to ignore that he’d hurt you, pissed you off. Let it be what it was – you had a sick child to care for – couldn’t think about all the distance that would seemingly exist forever between the two of you, not right now, at least. 

“You lied about eating.”

Oh, now he wanted to be fucking honest. You roll your eyes at him, watch his jaw clench. “What?” Tone bratty and antagonistic, “No I didn’t – you misunderstood.”

“You told me you didn’t want to eat, and then you told Connie, not fifteen minutes later, that you’d already eaten.” 

“Well then I misspoke – that’s not what I meant.” You turn away from him towards the desk, busy your hands with the papers littered across its surface to avoid his eyes. You feel like fighting – like baring your teeth at him, and you hate it. You don’t want to fight with him, ever. You want, need, things to be okay between the two of you. “Why are we arguing about this? I have to get back.” The bite in your voice startles you for a second, and your hands pause their shuffling. Turning back to face him, wide eyed and shocked at the way you practically spit the words at him, but, fuck it, you decide to just go with it. 

He doesn’t let you, though – doesn’t take your bait. You watch the muscle in his jaw feather rapidly as he grinds his teeth, fists curled into knots at his sides like he’s trying to restrain himself from throttling you – and you think you’d kind of like him to do it. You’ve gotta be PMSing or something because where is all this sudden desire for violence coming from? You definitely need to sleep soon. 

He exhales a slow breath through his nose.  “Not try’na argue, baby… just figure out what’s wrong.” Your heart twists painfully, the back of your eyes pinching and hot, and you will not cry right now. His words make you even more angry because if he cares so much about such seemingly small things like this, why can’t he just let everything else fall into place between you as well?

Nancy pops her head through the open door, calling your name, “Need you when you’ve got a second.”

“Be right there, Nance.” You throw her a grateful look. 

Turning back to Joel you rub your forehead, trying to press the ache that’s taking root in your brain out with your fingertips. “Nothing… nothing’s wrong. I’m just…” you sigh, suddenly very sad, very tired. You take in his weathered face, his brow pulled down into a scowl anyone who knew him less would take for anger, but you see it for what it is: concern, discomfort, frustration at the tension that’s held constant between the two of you all day. The both of you pulling away and then yanking each other back. You can see he wants to move past this, avoid whatever fight is brewing – too much for him to handle. You know he hates it when you’re angry and annoyed with him, and doesn’t that have to mean something? Please, please it must mean something more. But you’re too tired for this now, your body overwrought from its brief bout of sickness earlier, from your long day. You’d like to go to bed with him and not wake up for a year. Lay on his chest and feel the movement of his breathing rock you to sleep, count the spaces between his ribs, make a home for yourself within them. A great jealousy for his heart, the organ itself, writhes in you, that it gets to live inside him. You’re feeling melancholy and exhausted and overly emotional . Sad that even when he’s the source of your turmoil, your hurt, he’s still the only one you want to go to for comfort. You clear your throat, “I’m fine, Joel. Really.” You try and give him a small smile. “I was in a mood earlier, but I’m okay now.”

“I need us to be okay, Birdie. I– I know…” he looks away, hisses through his teeth in frustration. “I know I don’t always act like it, but–”

You hold up a hand to stop him. You don’t want to, can’t, listen to him try and make excuses. Explain to you things you’ve always understood about what this thing is between the two of you. “We don’t need to do this. I promise everything’s fine. I need to get back.” You step forward to press a kiss to the underside of his jaw, to appease the both of you, but also if only because you can’t help but touch him when he’s near, hands snaking up his belly and chest to fist in the collar of his shirt. He hums low in his throat and grips the back of your neck, other hand low on your back to press you to him, and everything inside you goes liquid hot and wanting, just at the feel of him, the scent of him.

“Try and rest.” He breathes you in at the crown of your head, and you nod against his chest.

“I will. Don’t worry.” But you know he’ll do that anyways, and that alone is a comfort.

-

Connie meanders in about midnight, nocturnal creature that he is, to check on you all. You’d pulled the armchair from the office into the corner of the infirmary while you read in the corner. An all night vigil wasn’t exactly necessary – Teddy’s fever had broken about an hour ago, his vitals were stable, and Mr. Schwartz had been snoring the night away for hours. Nancy lived on the second floor of the house, and was always near and available if necessary, but you were peaceful here. Tucked away in your corner with your book and a throw draped over your folded knees. The anxiety you’d carried heavy in your belly all day had dissipated. Thoughts of Joel settled now, compared to the frenzied hysterical swarm they’d been all day. Sometimes this need for him scared you. That your mood, your physical self, could so easily be altered by him, by his own mood, his words, his touch. The tether he held you by was so strong, it felt unbreakable, permanent. It scared you to think what would become of you if one day he decided to break it.

Connie passes a hand over the boy’s forehead, murmuring to himself as he examines him, pops his stethoscope in to take a listen. His movements are slow and practiced, methodical. You’d always loved watching him work. You’ve passed so far into the realms of exhaustion, you’re a little delirious now, your mind and vision hazy, and you rest your head against the wingback and watch. “He’s settled now. Vitals are steady.” You hum in agreement.

He turns to look at you then, his gaze contemplative as he takes a seat on the bench along the end of the bed directly in front of you. His tired groan makes you smile a little, old man. The fondness for him squeezes your heart. He has something to say, you can tell. “I know your father was an exacting man,” he starts. You nod, still quiet. You know that now is a time for listening. “I think of him often. I know I never met him, but he wanders into my mind quite frequently. I think of the things you’ve told me about him, about your mother and sister–” When you’d first become close, it’d been hard for you to speak of your family, of Beth and her death, but eventually you’d forced yourself to. For no other reason than that the thought of you being the only person left in the world that remembered their names, that knew their stories, wrought a grief in you so profound, it was impossible to keep it all inside. You were scared if you didn’t share, if you carried all that alone, you’d lose yourself in their memories forever. “I think that after all that, after living their deaths in such a gruesome way, it could have been very easy for you to lose yourself in all that. Do you agree?” Another small tilt of your chin. The precision with which he’d always read you, understood you, was the greatest comfort in the world. That sometimes it wasn’t even necessary to tell him out loud what it was you were feeling or needed for him to pick up on it. 

“But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” you finally say.

“No…” his eyes take on the thoughtful look he gets, the one that makes you wish you could read his mind sometimes, read the wonderings of that brilliant mind like one of your textbooks. “Instead, you became a splendid and thoughtful physician. A seemingly impossible thing, no? Now, with the state of the world for you to have pieced together a vocation such as this…” his milky blue eyes glint with humor, pride, “Well, it’s all very impressive, my dear.”

“Thank you,” you acknowledge. 

“And even more impressive, considering the fact, that had you been given a choice in the matter, you would never have chosen this for yourself… had the world been different, normal.” And there it is again, that keen sense of knowing.

“Yes.” There is nothing more to say. It is, after all, your most painful, most honest, most shameful truth. Painful, not in the sense that you carried any regret now, when you cared for your patients, when you put the knowledge your father and Connie had given you into practice. But painful in the sense that it chafed at your skin, that desire for other . That small seed that had the great potential of growth within you, to spread like ivy around a house, and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, until all you were left with were thoughts of what could have been. 

“But like I said… your father was an exacting man, and this is what he chose for you. And then, perhaps, even I played a part in that same theft of choice from you.” You try to interrupt him then, to vehemently deny it, but he continues unheeded. “You got here and you seemed to be a sort of benediction to me. A vessel for all the knowledge I could impart on you. A shepherd I could leave this flock to.” He slips his glasses off the bridge of his nose and wipes them slowly with the hem of his sweater. “I know you’ll take good care of them when I’m no longer here. That they could not have ended up in better, more caring hands.” You hate when he talks about his dying, fills you with a premonitory dread you don’t know how you’ll cope with when it becomes actuality. “But alas, you did what was set upon you, took it all in stride.” He pauses, as if contemplating what he’s about to say next, and you know the point of all this has arrived. You even know where it is he’s going with this. 

“I say all this, my dear, not to dredge up old painful memories, or reminders of what could have been… But because I would not like to see your choices taken from you once again.” And there it is. He levels his gaze at you, quiet for several moments, and it’s like he is here in the room with you now, his presence, his unsaid name heavy and poignant.

“Joel’s a good man, honey, but he’s a hurt man. Hurt in a way I don’t think even you could cure.” 

Your instinct to defend him is immediate. “He’s not— he’s not a hurt man.” You shake your head, brow furrowed, “He’s been hurt before, but it doesn’t define him, Connie. It’s not the sole contributor to who he is.” And that’s true, you know it is. Believe it to your very core. You, who knows Joel better than few others, you know the pains of his past don’t define him.  Perhaps before, they did. A pain so acute it molded him into a creature focused only on survival, or perhaps, he let it get the better of him at times. But he is so much more than all that. Has the strength and the will to set it aside when he so chooses to. Ellie being the perfect example of that. 

Choices, choices, those were the things that defined a person.

“Isn’t it? You can’t live off the potential you see in someone forever.”

“I hate it when you say that.” You sit up, let your feet drop to the floor, and lean forward to stress your point. “What are we all, if not vessels of untapped potential? We’re all just walking around with the possibility of something more inside of us. Of course, of course I value the potential I see in him! I know he has the possibility of so, so much inside of him – that’s what makes me… That’s why I –” You cut yourself off before you can make that confession, a choked sound leaving your throat. You look out the nearby window at the dark street, press your thumb hard into the center of your forehead, will the tension and frustration out of the skin and bone. 

“I know… I know,” he says gently, offering you his hands, palms up – a sign of concession. “But it’s not enough to hang all your hopes and dreams on just that. I want more for you than just that . I want you to have choices. To be able to have what you truly want, what you truly need. I would not like to know that something unfulfilling has been forced upon you once again by the circumstances of this world.” And he says it so sadly, with a look of such tenderness in his eyes, it makes embarrassment burn hot and red in your cheeks. The back of your eyes pinch. What must they all think of me when they see us together? The part that perhaps does, or should, make you the most embarrassed, is that you don’t really care at all. Not in any substantial way that would make a real difference, make you act differently. “I’m not unfulfilled, Connie. I love what we do here,” you say softly.

“I know that, I know. But still…I just–”

You rest your aching head in your cupped palms, bent elbows propped on your knees. You’re so fucking tired. “Connie, please, I know…” you whisper. “Just, please, no more tonight… I’m exhausted. You can tell me all this another time – tomorrow. Just no more tonight.”

“Alright, alright, dear. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to give you grief.” He stands, comes towards you to rest a gentle palm on your shoulder.

“I know… and you’re not… It’s me.”

“I only want good things for you, darling girl.” You press your hand over his on your shoulder, give a short nod. 

“Go home – you need rest. Nancy will stay with them.”

“I can sit for a few more hours. Teddy likes to know I’m here.”

“No, no,” his voice takes on that stern fatherly tone he likes to whip you into shape with sometimes. “Enough for tonight. They’ll both be fine. You’ll see them tomorrow.”

You scrunch your nose at him, “Bossy.” But you stand to go, draping the blanket over the back of the chair. He pulls you in for a hug then, envelops you in the comfort and steadiness he’s always offered you, from the very start. He always smells faintly of peppermint and mothballs and old paper. “It’ll all work itself out, my dear. You’ll find a way. You always do. I’m not worried about that.”

-

Joel watches you leave the clinic from his spot in the shadows across the road. He’s been posted here, obstinate and pissed off with himself, for hours. Especially because he’s certain this must be a new low for him, sulking in the dark, watching for you like a creep. But he just wanted to be close to you. He knows you lied to put him off earlier. Your conversation had left him unsatisfied, restless. He knows you’re pulling away because he’s pulling away. Because he’s putting you off, and he tells himself he’ll give you space, tells himself that’s what’s best, but knows it’s a lie as he thinks it. 

The thing is, despite his obstinance, Joel was not a man who lacked self awareness. He was, in fact, very good at recognizing a thing within himself, and yet still able to make a conscious decision to feign ignorance towards it to the outside world. This set up worked well for him – sometimes … on occasion… But this was different, and he knew it. Feigning ignorance would not work between the two of you for much longer. You were getting tired and sad and frustrated with him and he could see it and hated himself for being the cause of it. And if he was being honest with himself, which in this moment, he was trying to be, he was getting tired of it too, tired of himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in this position with a woman. On the verge of … something. Something he couldn’t confess, even to himself, yet. But to allow himself that, to allow himself the simple act of even admitting what he knew was the truth of his feelings for you – there was a part of him, a very broken part that had not been used in a long, long time, that couldn’t even imagine it. To allow himself that sort of vulnerability. To allow himself the truth of there existing another person in this world, in what this world had become, a partner – a woman he cared for, needed . It was too vulnerable, too precious a thing to allow himself. Perhaps before, perhaps in a world not overrun by death and disease and violence – by loss. 

But what did that even look like anymore? A world bereft of monstrousness? Wiped clean of the beasts that had overtaken it, human or infected. Could Joel even remember such a thing – even imagine it, if only in his dreams? He couldn’t even discern which of the two was worse anymore. Part of him knew it didn’t really matter. Not in the end. It was all conjecture when it came down to losing your life – losing the person you loved. Whether it was fungus or a bullet – dead was dead.

Sometimes he didn't even feel like a person anymore. Just this thing that existed at the periphery of the world. In the moments when he pushed you away, when he turned from the loving look in your face, forced himself to brush off your words and your affection, to hold you at arms length – to protect the vulnerable, scarred mass of his heart – those were the moments in which he was most like a creature, least like a man. 

He thought of a world where he felt safe enough to go to the woman he loved, his Birdie, hold you in his arms and say: here is everything I have for you, I’m begging you, please take it . 

Such a world didn’t exist in Joel’s mind. Couldn’t fit. He’d been stripped of the ability. To have something so vulnerable and new. A type of fragile he’d not held since his twelve year old daughter lay bleeding and broken in his arms, and have the ability to say I am strong enough to endure the possible loss of this. I need you this badly. So badly I am willing to risk even my own heart. 

It looked like trying to swallow the sea. 

He follows you home in the darkness. 

-

“You get that fixed alright?” Joel’s voice barks from the mouth of the garage. You startle, your knee slamming into the underside of the workbench. Deciding to follow through on Connie’s suggestion from yesterday, you’d come to see Noah, knocking on his door bright and early this morning, Bovie clutched in your hands. He’d been more than happy to give it a look for you. The two of you had been sitting here for about an hour now, and in that time you’d seen Joel’s form stalk by at least three times, from out of the corner of your eye. Absurd man that he was, you knew he’d been psyching himself up to barge in here and interrupt the two of you. Seemed he’d brought his attitude with him.

“Jesus, man–” Noah’s hand grips your smarting knee, rubbing it gently, “We didn’t hear you come up.” Joel’s left eye twitches at the we, his gaze zeroed in on the hand on your knee, his teeth bared in the perpetuation of a ridiculous growl as he takes a threatening step forward. You lift your brows at him – all your fire and fight from yesterday put to rest now after some much needed sleep. He cocks his brow back at you, shifts his jaw side to side in annoyance.

“Absorbed in your work?” he drawls sardonically.

“We’ve made some good progress actually! Come see,” Noah says, completely missing Joel’s mocking tone, the poor thing. He gives your knee another gentle pat, and you think you might just see steam come out of Joel’s ears. He steps up behind you, chest pressed close to your back and passes a hand over your hair, presses a kiss to the crown of your head. This fucking guy. Now he feels like getting handsy. You scrunch your nose at him, turning back to face Noah and the Bovie, your shoulder pressing into Joel’s belly. Noah takes in your positions, the possessive hand now curled around your neck – looks back down at the knee he’d just grabbed and then back to Joel’s broad intimidating form and scowling face. You see a slow swallow move through his throat. As he starts to explain the changes the two of you had made to the electrocautery generator, you consider the differences between the two of them. The contrast is stark. Noah isn’t small by any means, average height, a nice build – but there’s something about Joel. Some sort of warning in the air around him, in the space he takes up in a room, that makes him larger than life – something that says don’t fuck with me or mine. Heat pools low in your belly and you press your thighs together tightly. Fucked up, you’re fucked up – you try to brush his hand off your neck – suddenly feeling overwhelmed, your skin overly sensitized. “Quit –” he says low in your ear and you almost whimper. He’s jealous, and it’s turning you on. There’s definitely something wrong with you. 

You try to shake him off again,“ Let go.”

“No.” His voice is steel. Noah is heedlessly going on about the Bovie, about how it only took a slight rewiring from the generator into the hand-piece without overwhelming the system; giving it the little bump of power it was missing. Joel’s thumb brushes a slow, warning path up and down your neck. Down, down, to the top notch of your vertebrae, slowly kneading the fine muscles surrounding the prominence of your bone and then up and pushing into the base of your skull. His hands are warm and dry – the rough calluses abrading your sensitive skin. You feel the flush in your cheeks traveling down over your chest, the tips of your breasts tightening to painful points. You see Joel’s eyes flicker down, taking you in, and he gives a contemplative hum low in his throat.

“I’m so glad you let me help,” Noah says with a warm smile. He’s sweet and so genuine and as you take him in, how completely unaware he is of the silent struggle going on between you and Joel right in front of him, you’re struck by how easy loving a man like that would be. And how unfulfilling for a woman like you. What is it about some people, that they can’t appreciate a good thing unless it hurts a little?

“Connie and I are real grateful that you could help. You let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.” Joel gives him a short nod as you leave.

And then, soft and threatening into the shell of your ear as the two of you walk away from the nice, sweet, uncomplicated boy: we’re goin’ home, and I’m gonna lick that cunt until you’re cryin’, little bird. 

Your steps speed up, trying to outrun the clutch of his hands on your skin, trying to escape – even if just a little. 

You never stood a chance of that. 

-

He follows, menacingly on your heels, as you dart into your house. A rabbit trying to outrun the big bad wolf. You make for the stairs and you feel the tips of his fingers ghost lightly in the ends of your long hair, one foot on the first step, but then his finger is catching in your belt loop, yanking you hard into his chest. Your back thumps against him with a small oof and then his hands are skating along your curves, big palms squeezing your breasts, pinching your nipples through the cotton of your t-shirt.. 

“Bad Birdie, try’na run from me.” He nuzzles, gentle, gentle into the nape of your neck, the line of your hair, presses his mouth to the top notch of your spine. You feel his hot, wet tongue slide over the jut of your vertebrae, small peppered kisses to your nape and your entire body flushes hot – arousal pulling low and tight in your belly. Your clit throbs in time with his panting breath in your ear. His soft mouth is totally at odds with the tension he’s holding himself with right now, the harsh way he presses his fingers into the skin of your hips. 

You can feel the thick length of him pressing into your ass; he’s hard as stone and throbbing – turned on by the chase. You moan, deep and wanton, slick pooling in your panties, ready for him now , just at the feel of his hands on you. “You want it, baby?”

“Y– yes,” you stutter, pressing yourself harder into him. 

“Want me to fuck that needy little cunt?”

His voice is so deep you feel it vibrate through his chest and into your back, down, down your body all the way to the tips of your toes. “Please, Joel,” you whimper. You try to turn in his arms, but he clicks his tongue at you, wrapping his arms more tightly around your waist, half dragging, half carrying you up the stairs to your bedroom.

“I always give my Birdie what she needs, don’t I?”

-

“Settle now. Stay still so I can eat you how I like.” He hitches his hands higher up the backs of your thighs, beneath your knees – spreads you further apart, up and back to press into your breasts, making more space for the broad valley of his naked shoulders. He’d gotten you naked and into bed, quick as a viper. His desperation, evident in the wild look in his eyes. He was unsettled, either by the tension between the two of you yesterday or you around another man, but he was trying to prove some unspoken point to the two of you in the ferocity of his grip on your skin.

He settles his face deep into your sex now and eats. “Who’s all this wet for, huh? Were you thinkin’ about me while that boy tried to get in your good graces?”

“It’s too much. Please, please, please,” you sob. Tears making a slow, steady journey back into your hairline, dripping into your ears. You yank hard on his hair, try to direct his movements. You can’t tell if you’re trying to push him away or pull him closer. 

“Want me to stop?” He laps at your clit.

“I– I dont– I don’t know–” It felt like he’d been at this for hours. “I–”

“It’s okay.” Soft, whispered kisses to the puffy lips of your sex, your slippery inner thighs. You’re so wet, and you’d have burns from his beard and bruises from his teeth tomorrow. “I know, I know you’re just a little bird,” his teeth sharp and mean to the softest part of you, then the broad flat of his tongue to soothe – a sharp, quick suck to your swollen clit. His volley between rough and tender on your vulnerable sex setting you further on edge than anything else he was doing. “But you can take it for me.You can be so, so good for me. My good girl.”

Your cunt pulls tight – throbs like a wound. Hurts in a way you’re desperate for. You love him, you love him, you love him. Goddamn the things he does to you, makes you feel. You need him so much and he gives it all to you exactly in the way that’s the most perfect, just for you. You feel fucking delirious, on the brink of insanity. 

He pushes two thick fingers into you, cunt spasming and clinging. He scissors the digits inside of you, stretches your hole. The squelch is lewd and obscene and messy. You can feel your cheeks burning red and hot, and you throw an arm over your eyes as you feel your slick leak down between your ass to pool on the sheets beneath you – hiding yourself from your own obscenity. 

“Pussy s’fuckin’ good, baby. Tastes like candy.” He pulls out his fingers, slaps your cunt, twice, quick and sharp. The sound you let out shames you, high pitched and whining. “Fuckin’ red ‘nd gaping for me. God, Birdie –” he moans so deep it makes your heart race, brings his mouth back to you – licks a broad stripe from hole to clit with the flat of his tongue. His mouth latches to the aching swollen bud and sucks. “You need me so much dont you? Fuckin’ come in my mouth – wanna taste it.” And he’s right, he’s right, you do, you need him so much. In that instant, you feel so grateful that he knows it.  

Your back arches, everything liquid within you pooling low in your pelvis, pulling tight, and it feels like the world is about to end around you; a catastrophe even greater than anything the cordyceps could have ever wrought. This is what he brings out of you with his mouth and his fingers and his words, and you gush onto his face. He almost fucking whines at the splash of your orgasm on his tongue – slurping down everything you have to give him, you feel your wetness cover his face and beard. This is what you give to each other. 

He gentles his fingers and tongue. Letting your orgasm coast along into echoes and throbs. You try to push him away with your foot on the thick mass of his shoulder, on the brink of overstimulation, but quick as a viper, he circles his entire large palm around the fine bones of your ankle and squeezes. Quit – presses a tiny kiss to the protrusion of your bone there.

“ Mine,” he growls. “Mine, no one touches you but me–” His hands open you wider for him, fileting you for his eyes only. You feel hot and flush, your skin tight, to the point of bursting, like an overripe plum in the sun. Skin fragile and thin, insides viscous, ready to spill your flesh for him, blood burning hot as it churns in your veins. “Not fuckin’ done yet, Birdie. Not done with this perfect pussy.” Tears make a slow path down your temples, your fingers tangled in his hair, wanting to hurt– just a little. Like the delicious hurt of holding him within yourself. The way it feels like an old aching bruise inside of you when he stuffs you full of his cock. And then he’s up, up, up – quick as a whip – his fingers shoving into the tangle of your hair at the nape of your neck, captured in a tight fist like prey in a snare, and he’s shoving your own taste deep into you with his tongue. The kiss, open and savage – he’s fucking your mouth like he was just fucking your pussy. Your heart pushes against the bones of your chest, and you desperately clutch at his shoulders for some sort of countenance. He unmoors you . You have been unmoored by this man. And you want – need – more. 

He kneels between your open legs, thick thighs anchoring you wider and fists his cock, the head gleaming and painfully red. He pulls your thighs over his own thicker ones, and presses the fat tip hard to your sensitive clit, making you jolt and whimper pathetically. “Cock drunk, that’s what you are.” All you can do is nod dumbly, eyes glassy and wet. His voice is so deep. He drags the head down to your entrance, presses just a little, only the fat tip held inside you. He fucks you short and shallow like that, his hips moving in tiny, slow jerks. 

“Please,” you sigh, your eyes fluttering shut at the subtle pressure, at the promise of what’s about to come, “Please, Joel.”

“Please what? Please what?” he mocks, just a little mean, and then he’s surging inside in one brutal thrust. Fucking into you without warning and he’s huge — almost too much to take, even after your orgasms. “Fucking tight,” he grits out. He hoists you up, arms wrapped around your waist and starts fucking up and into you, hard. Not giving you a moment to adjust. Letting go of the restraint he’d held while he ate you out. Cock battering into something deep and sensitive inside you, all you can do is take it. Let him have you as he pleases. 

-

He can feel your slick pooling at the base of his cock and sliding down his balls. He wraps his hand around the fine bones of your jaw, “Who’s pussy is this?” he growls over the wet slap, “Wanna hear it out loud.”

Yours, yours, yours. 

Your face is flushed and sweaty, cheeks red as an apple, eyes glazed, dark, wet lashes clumped together. The fucked out look in your eyes doing more for him than anything else. This is what he does to you, only him . He picks up the pace of his hips, fucks you harder, harder and your tits bounce against his chest. He slaps one of them gently, appreciating the soft jiggle it gives, the small gasp you let out. His other hand snakes low on your tummy and presses down into your pelvis so he can feel the battering of his cock inside of your cunt and shit he’s gonna come soon. Gonna come with his hand feeling himself fuck you from the outside. “Too much, too much, Joel ,” you whine. “Oh god, I– I’m gonna–” You’re soaked, sweat and slick sliding between your two bodies, and clutching him hot and tight as a fist. He can’t get deep enough, can’t give it to you hard enough. He never wants to stop, will never be able to stop. 

“You’re taking my cock so good, so fucking good. Jesus fuck, I can’t, I can’t–” He slates his mouth over your open panting one, licks into the sweet, red gleam of you. Your arms wrap around his neck, and he drags his teeth along your full bottom lip, lets it go with a little wet pop. You moan, head falling back on your neck, beyond words. He bends his head, hand wrapped around the fullness of your tit to bring it to his mouth, bites gently down on the tight, aching bud, laves his tongue around it and sucks it into his mouth. Then he’s pushing you back, letting you fall and bounce onto the mattress, legs splayed. When he pulls out abruptly you whimper – he can’t let himself come yet, not yet, just a little more – and he leaves a hot trail of open mouth kisses down your neck, over your shoulder, sucking the peak of your breast into his mouth again, over the swell of your belly, until he’s between your thighs again and bends his head to devour your slick. His tongue licking deep inside where his cock just was. He’s frantic. There’s no reason to the sense of urgency he feels, the urgency he’s taking you with right now. It’s something subconscious – something primal telling him to mark you, lay his claim. 

He can’t stop taking and taking, always taking.

He pulls up again from between your legs, the abruptness of his movements confusing you, leaving you to deliriously allow him to do with you what he will. “Taste us,” he says as he licks into your mouth, fucking his aching cock back into your spent cunt, so fucking tight always. “One more, baby. Gimme one more, lemme feel you milk me.” And like his own personal little marionette on a string, you do. Pussy fluttering and then pulling tight, a little furl of a knot, squeezing his own orgasm out of him. He feels his balls pull up tight and he’s painting you inside, teeth latched tightly to the delicate muscle that connects your neck and shoulder. The sound from your throat is high and keening, supplicant. He licks the hurt he’s just left. Grinds his spitting cock deep, right into the mouth of your womb. 

Mine, mine, fucking mine. It is a mantra of reassurance for the both of you. 

-

He cradles you in his embrace afterwards, his body wrapped around you as if he were a vine grown from your very heart. He sighs, the sound deep from his chest, and you want to tell yourself you can hear a yearning desperate enough to match your own in the cadence of it. His head drops to your shoulder, nuzzles the vulnerable space beneath your jaw, now riddled with his bites and bruises. You know you’ll enjoy inspecting them in the mirror tomorrow, feeling the warm pull of your belly at the reminder. And the moment is so achingly tender, even more intimate in a way, than your sex. The feel of him surrounding you, soft and quiet. Your eyes feel hot, pinching threateningly. 

“I have to go,” he murmurs, spent cock still buried inside of you. He presses kisses to your hair, your lips, over your closed eyelids. He can’t stop, God, he’s tried – is trying – but he can’t go, can’t part from you. Fighting is so fucking hard when you’ve got no will behind it. When what you’re trying to fight against is the thing you’ve wanted more than anything else in your whole life, and the only thing standing in your way is yourself, your own inadequacy. Perhaps he could endure the agony, the filth of life, the loss, the loss, the loss, with you held in his arms like this. 

His patrol shift started almost an hour ago. The guys were going to ream the hell out of him, he’d been here with you for hours, and still, still he couldn’t stop, couldn’t pull himself away. His lack of will, lack of restraint, of self control – his body and heart’s inability to do what his mind told him to, makes him so angry. At himself, and maybe – not at you, never you – but perhaps, at what you represented. All he wanted but couldn’t let himself have in full. He needed to go. He had responsibilities. He had truths to confess to himself. 

He was in love with you. He was. He was.

Joel was an obstinate man, but he did not lack self awareness. Now was the moment for this truth, if only confessed to himself. So, angry, and in love with you, and tremendously sorry, he turns away. Pulls out of your tight wet clutch with a wince, your breathy gasp making his cock twitch slightly, even so soon after he’s just come. You roll over, burrow into the pillows, and he grips the swell of your ass, pulls you apart to feast on the sight of his come leaking out of you. Obscene. Wet and messy and swollen, marked by his spend. He wants to bend for a taste but knows if he does, he won’t stop, will be likely to start all over again. “I gotta go, Birdie. M’already late.” He bends to nip a gentle bite to your ass cheek, one small last taste, then the press of a kiss. He hopes you can feel all he cannot say with that touch. The soft sound of acquiescence you hum as you burrow further into the sheets has his teeth clenching as he reaches for his clothes, heart turning over in his chest. He’s sure every sound out of you has a direct connection to his cock at this point. 

He won’t shower, won’t wash your drying come from his body. He’ll take you with him, wear you on his skin. Anyways, what did it matter, really, when he already wore you on his heart, his soul? What was one more conquering of his self? Perhaps this was, ultimately, what swallowing the sea looked like.

Chapter III

Netherfeildren Masterlist

[maddgical-boy]

remakin my pinned post bc i love spending hours on fun formats. anyways

⸝⸝⊂➜﹒it's me! ⊃⸝⸝

mark/vinny ☆ he/him ☆ minor (strictly 18+ only blogs block me)

hello all! here i post about all things daydreaming-related, as well as some self insert stuff since there is big overlap there for me.

i have mainly fictparacosms (paracosms of existing fictional media). i'm kinda shy about them so i don't discuss them as much but please be respectful when i do. they do not always line up with canon and i just want to be happy and have a fun time since my life is sad. :)

❤️ this blog is a safe space for all madders/iders and whatever you daydream about. even if it's considered really dark nasty shit, and even if it's willingly! fiction is fiction my friends. ❤️

feel free to send asks about my paracosms or about yours! tumblr is buggy and i am chronically ill so i may not get to it right away, but rest easy knowing each ask is treasured in my heart <3 i'm shy but i want to interact with you all.

i make big use of the block button if i don't like your vibes or even if we just don't agree about stuff. unfortunately my block barrier from my main doesn't extend to sideblogs and i have to block separately from here, which i sometimes forget to do. so blanket statement for all my blogs and socials:

🚫 TERFS AND ZIONISTS/PRO-ISRAEL PEOPLE GTFO 🚫

and hey! if you can spare some money check out the #donations tag on my main for vetted palestinian GFMs! 🇵🇸❤️

if you want to see more of my silly self talking about other random things, my main is @thecrimeofmans-laughter!

below are paracosms & tags!

paracosms ☁︎‎‎‧₊˚*𖦹

these fluctuate in and out of how relevant they are to me, especially because god cursed my interests to wholly take over my life and then suddenly evaporate like sweat. this is also why i have random mini paracosms that only come out of hibernation if my hyperfixation does too! lmao

───-> ORIGINAL

■ queerer things still — five teens learn of the magical secret realms on earth and travel through them to uncover the main para (enya liao)'s mysterious past. all of them have magical powers and all of them have emotional baggage that they are eventually forced to deal with by fighting monsters that target their greatest weaknesses. everything is weird and also everything is queer (hence the name).

───-> FICTPARACOSMS

■ arrows of shield — big crossover between marvel's agents of shield and the cw's arrowverse. at the center of it all is me, because i am awesome. (and because i need to cope with life.) the only other teenagers (and original paras) are cicero (an entity meant to deal with all emotional and physical pains) and jessop jiang (a boy from the typical 60s american suburb who accidentally killed his mother).

■ the super happy life of akemi ōtani — a blanket paracosm for all daydreams involving any of koei's musou warriors games (that i have played, which is dw8, sw2, 4, 4ii, and 5, and wo4). the name is from one of my two samurai warriors ocs, as she has a very normal, happy life with her dad and sister that is absolutely not besieged by period-typical war. (also my icon on this blog is of nō, who is a character from sw5! she's in her dlc outfit. i love her)

■ yttd paracosm 2 — i don't have a name for this one yet shhh. anyway have you ever theorized that shunsuke hayasaka is sue miley's mysterious fiancé and then made a yttd sona that has become separate from you and is also their adopted child and is also dating ranmaru kageyama and then spent way too much time rewriting the lore of the game to fit this change? that's what this is. (my first yttd paracosm is asunaroland which isn't as major anymore but yeah. i have 2 of these fuckers)

tags i'll use ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

i love using tags i love organizing i love formatting i love archiving ＼(^▽^＠)ノ ☆ヾ(*´▽｀)ﾉ ~(≧◇≦)/ﾞﾞﾞ

my original posts -> #mark stops daydreaming for a sec.txt

answering asks -> #mark answers asks, #ask game answers | feel free to send in something from my ask game!

vents about madd -> #madd vent, #intrusive daydreaming | all of these are ok to rb

positivity about daydreaming -> #positivity <3

my art -> #martk | other art is on my toyhouse and instagram AND CARA!! | want me to draw your paras? commission me!

useful madd-related things -> #useful

anything not daydreaming-related, for whatever reason -> #not madd

...and probably other tags i'm forgetting! yayyy!!

all paracosms and paras are tagged #like this* to avoid anything (like fictpara stuff) showing up in big public tags because i am Scared

dividers: animatedglittergraphics-n-more

[thatmooncake]

hi hi!! i saw your reblog of your therapist au art and noticed in the tags that you dont mind answering questions. i hope its alright if i ask you one or two!!

so, you mention in the background section of the au that moon was used to trap souls inside dreams (or something similar to that.) will that be addressed in the future?? i feel like thats prime material for angsty stuff and moon feeling bad about what happened in the past :< not to mention the whole fazbear entertainment thing lending you the therapy bots and them linked to dream experiments is shady (as per usual with fazent.)

(also not as important, but is the whole "trapping souls" thing a reference to somniphobia, the book in the tftp series?? i actually havent read the story personally, but from a brief summary, im getting those same vibes lol. could be entirely a coincidence, but if not, thats cool either way!!!)

and on a more lighter note, can they eat stuff in this au? if so, id love to know their favorite ice-cream flavors! its a weird question to suddenly ask but for some reason this au is giving me "its a summer night, im up way too late, and im eating ice-cream when i shouldnt" type of vibes

anyways!!! im sorry i think i rambled too much but i love your guys' au, and yall's artwork!! cant wait to see more of it, hopefully in the future!

(p.s. unrelated but i thought moon,,,had the bisexual colors in his irises,,,)

Ooh yay hihi I love AU asks!

So! The dreamscape is going to play a big part in the therapy bots AU, and the angst and drama is very much ongoing - it might seem like fun and games at first exploring the therapy themed concepts, but you’re absolutely right, there are massive Somniphobia style undertones there. Moon’s dreamscape is designed to pull you in and it can be addictive and …energy consuming. Or should we say life force consuming?

Moon meanwhile? He feels closer to you in the dreamscape than in the waking world …at first. All the souls he steals become a part of him, in a sense. Remnants of them continue to float around in the dreamscape if you look hard enough, like when you start peeling back the wallpaper of a new house that used to belong to someone else. For the longest time Moon has not really been able to interact in the real world, and honestly most people in the dreamscape very rarely interacted with him either up until the very end, being far too wrapped up in exploring the vast dreamscape which moulds itself around their wants and needs. He’s been kind of used to his role as a passive observer, or a creature without much identity at all. But this time around, because you think he’s a therapy bot, he’s a part of the action. He’s actually being played with. This is unusual for him, and his feelings get a little more muddied over time.

Sun and Moon can absolutely eat in this AU - it was one of their ill-advised “upgrades”. And as the three of you start sharing some soul energy - uhhh, bond with each other more closely, they start to gain the strangest senses too. Senses they’ve never had before, like smell and taste. And they do not know what to make of this. But they do know that Sun likes neapolitan flavour (don’t ask him to pick just one, they look so pretty together!) and Moon likes mint chocolate chip flavour (yep you heard me, mint is good). And that having ice cream late on a summer night is what it’s all about (well, ask Sun about that one - Moon thinks you ought to be sleeping, but he’ll allow it this one time).

Never apologise for rambling I love rambling :D (also everyone who’s mentioned all the pride flag colours you are absolutely correct Sun and Moon say gay rights)

[fateinthestars]

You know what? It's been ages since I did a review/ramble post for the SCM special stories hasn't it?

Hmm but what to cover right now... how about... oh I know! I already covered the other first anniversary set ('Your First Anniversary: A Special Date for Two' ) so let's round that off with the other first anniversary set:

'Your First Anniversary: The Gift of Love'

This contains stories for: Leon, Scorpio, Teorus, Dui, Huedhaut, Ichthys, Karno, and Zyglavis.

Spoilers (for this special story and their main paths) under cut.

You know I was just wondering about why it was an eight and four split but it suddenly twigged: the first anniversary for this lot is all the same because even though their routes are in the second prologue lot both Zyglavis and Karno have a pretty clear presence through the earlier routes that the others do not.

Anyway, that aside let's get to actually talking about these shall we?

LEON

Leon is as disinterested about this kind of thing as always but his words here are just so romantic and sweet.

SCORPIO

Unlike the other Gods Scorpio actually seems to realise that it's been nearly a year since he met MC, which I guess makes sense as he is the one that was originally human. Not that he actually wants to celebrate it.

Actually, possibly what I like about this is Dui & Ichthys fetching MC cos they're worried about how ill Scorpio is in this and know they can't stay. Also Dui remembered how MC helped Scorpio before when the Earth's atmosphere had got to him so had done what she had before to try and help. It shows how close Punishments really are.

TEORUS

The way Teo answers MC seems to imply that he as well actually at least knew it was a year since they met but it's not until MC explains more that he understands why humans would want to celebrate such things. Unlike Leon and Scorpio though he decides that he absolutely must make this one of the best days ever.

This is actually a really sweet one of his, especially his reaction when MC comments on his ability to freeze time.

DUI

Oh Dui, sweet Dui, straight on board with the human customs as soon as they've been explained. And I really mean straight on board - summoning a load stuff the second MC finishes explaining the kind of things humans usually do to celebrate.

But my absolute favourite thing to come out of this one is Dui deciding that his birthday should be this day and why that is. It's just such a nice touch for his storyline.

HUEDHAUT

Oh goodness me... pffft. Hue, please. MC really should know better than to just ask 'Do you know what today is?' an entire year after first meeting Huedhaut because, well...

There are a lot of things the day could be and Hue knows them all because he is just that well read. Or maybe he's making them up to tease MC, I honestly can't tell for sure. (See this is why I called him a nightmare earlier lol).

Anyway when MC eventually tells him (and she at least doesn't think it's teasing for once), Hue's reaction is just glorious. "That's why you're upset." Oh dammit Hue!

The conclusion of this though is really really sweet though, even if yet again MC briefly worries about her past life.

Hue's gentle, thoughtful, kind, and romantic... the trouble is you've got to peel away all that sarcasm and snark first. Did I say trouble? I'm not sure that's the right word... because Hue is wonderful.

ICHTHYS

Owwww. My heart. Of course Ikky immediately goes along with celebrating cos he'd do it anytime if it meant spending time with MC and the reminiscing over events is nice but then it turns to how he used to be mortal and... yeah... I think Ichthys suddenly really understands why this celebration is important to MC.

KARNO

I really don't have anything much to say about this. Karno's giving off those slightly odd vibes again (I mean it's portrayed in game as a joke but the line about wanting to be the first one to meet her has a weird context when you know about how he was the one who granted young MC's wishes). I do think it's a nice touch that he's the one that specifically uses the word anniversary though, even though it's only kinda that for them.

ZYGLAVIS

Oh now this... this is wonderful. Zig knows that human custom is to celebrate but doesn't know what exactly that entails.

What MC decides they should do together is just great. This is another side to Zyglavis and I am totally here for it. Even a brief chink in his armour thanks to struggling with a utensil, though only for a fleeting moment.

As for Zig's surprise gift for MC? He really is a total romantic softy at heart isn't he? 🥰

[evansbby]

Hi! I’m the one who keeps asking about VPR and if it gets annoying please just let me know and I’ll stop asking lol. Anyway I wanted to ask if your rank list has changed after finishing season 3 or if you have a new favourite/ least favourite?

Also out of all the guys I think Peter is the hottest but I think that’s just because he’s the only one who is good at their job. I want to know if you think he’s also hot?

Also can I be this anon emoji? 🫧

Sincerely, an ari obsessed VPR lover.

You’re not annoying at all!!! And feel free to discuss my rankings and opinions and answers with me bestie!!!

I don’t really remember season 3 now bc I’m so into season 4 but off the top of my head I think Stassi is still my number one. Like yes she was bitchy at times this season but at least she’s self aware! And they’re ALL bitchy but she’s the only one who owns it and gets crucified for it. Also she just says what everyone is thinking. Like Scheana’s wedding dress WAS the ugliest dress I’d ever seen like I was so shocked when I saw it and everyone was like “omg wow” and I felt so vindicated when Stassi made fun of it bc honestly what an ugly dress like how are you gonna wear an ugly ass ill fitted crop top to your wedding??? Ew lmfao.

Kristen was so funny this season like PEAKKK crazy and she literally made the show idec if she’s in the wrong. Like she was so obsessive over her ex and the whole orchestrating the Miami girl confrontation and Tom running away was hilarious. Idk why but I still find Ariana so blah like why is she on this show she gives NOTHING. At least Kristen is giving us prime time television!

I really dislike Schwartz like he’s exactly what Stassi describes him to be aka half weasel half vagina lmfao. Like he’s so stupid I cannot even explain, and I don’t get why Katie stays with him. I understand Katie’s point of view about her friendship with Stassi tho, like Stassi needs to understand that Katie is her own person and Stassi cannot control who she hangs out with. But I do feel like Stassi is unfairly attacked and especially Tom Sandoval seems to really hate her for some reason.

But overall I don’t think season 3 was as good as season 2 and I don’t think any season will match that drama 😭 James is whatever, but the way he just doesn’t care is funny I guess. I did think Peter was good looking but he’s lowkey weird like his entire vibe is weird and there’s one scene in his confessional where he has major under arm sweat stains on his shirt like HUGE sweat stains so that just put me off him lol.

[bhaalschosen]

PLEASE talk about Sloane and her relationship with the other Chosen, I’m very curious 👁️👄👁️

i couldn't answer this yesterday because i was at work but. now i am here and i shall

so with gortash:

she had a weirdly functional dynamic with him. i will not call it healthy (they were both evil, and they did nothing to change that, and they enabled each other really bad) or romantic (they were evil friends with benefits, i'd say) but. she liked that he treated her like a person to work with, co-conspirator and such, and a human rather than a monster or an object of worship. so she afforded him that same courtesy. they were very much equal footing big bads who had a weirdly emotional connection because they were both extremely fucked up and bad in similar ways. they trusted each other too, weirdly.

playful banter where he tells her that he wants to vivisect her and how he'd do it and she tells him which of his organs she'd like to eat and in what order. like that sort of thing. these were not threats they were flirtatious.

the thesis statement of this relationship back then was sort of. hold on i have a post for it. here it is. and this one. and this one. and this sorta thing.

he let The Dark Urge, Daughter of the Lord of Murder and leader of the Cult of Bhaal, shave his face with a straight razor, which is boldness so great that it perhaps equates to madness.

she writes about him in her fucked up evil diary.

all of this effect how she feels post-amnesia when they eventually kill him SO STRONGLY. someday ill write a post about that. tl;dr version though is that her main thought at the time is 'god in another life i would have also been dying here'

and Ketheric:

The most telling thing I can say about this dynamic is that when they brought Isobel back she got jealous about it. And no, if you asked her why she was acting like that she would not have been able to explain it to you. But she had some feelings about the whole thing.

Spent a lot of time at Moonrise together and I think they had a slightly more fraught dynamic because unlike Gortash, Ketheric liked her but he did not actually trust her. She didn't trust him either but she was weirdly attached to him anyway.

He did find her nice to spend time with and she liked how like. Unexpectedly considerate he was occasionally. He actually kept in mind things she'd want or find interesting and let her to a lot of the bloodier work because he knew she'd enjoy it. It was a sort of treatment she was not used to getting.

this but so deep in her subconscious that she doesn't realize that's how she feels about it and ketheric didn't really consciously get the vibe either or it would have made him uncomfortable.

sloane is not super affectionate on a good day but she liked to do that thing with him where she'd sit in the corner of his room while he was working, doing some mundane task like stitching up a hole in her jacket or whatever, not interacting with him but sharing the space. like a cat.

+ Someday I'll write up a big post about Orin the Red because I think Sloane and Orin's relationship is the most complicated of the three and because y'know, Orin wasn't a part of The Trio back then. And because I have backstory for them that I wrote, where they had more of a childhood together.

Orin has always felt to a degree like her ghost, or her shadow. They have a sort of duality and also a weird familiar relationship. They cared about each other and they also resented each other. Someday I'll organize my thoughts about it. Check out the pinterest section for them, though.

[maareyas]

Hey hey hey its been a hot minute, i hope life is treating you well? (It better - if not ill fight life for you in the ring)

I’m giving you the opportunity to info dump about anything. And i mean anything be it something to do with one of your aus (we love lore) or even about any interests you may have (i know you like the fun-guys, whats your favourite shroom👀?)

Sidenote i just thought of this when typing the shroom question, i really thought that during feb that you mightve dabbled with the funguary prompts. Idk i thought you’d really like those. Like pair up a shroom with a character or something and go wham with it. Idk where i was going with this… yeah

I JUST STRAIGHT UP FORGOT to answer this ask hhdhdhdg whoops. I lost whatever idea I had to ramble about so I'm going to use this as an excuse to ramble about my thought process thus far behind the merhog Shadow I'm working on

(I keep forgetting Funguary exists and my database of Fungi Knowledge is unfortunately not specific enough for me to parcipate ahfhjdjsjsj)

Anyways. With merhog designs, I tend to have a "speculative biology" approach to it, i.e the different merhog design elements make some sense in context. I think I mentioned before that designing Creatures and Robots scratch a similar itch in my brain; and this is why. You can tell a bunch about how a Creature moves, eats, and lives just based on their physical traits. Same goes for robots!

Of course, I'm still an artist first and foremost. So when it comes to creature design, I still put aesthetics and Vibes™️ first before realism XD

with that out of the way, here's the rambles about the In-Progress merhog shadow design. No images because I'm lazy ahdhdjs

My first thought with the merhog shadow design was that "I have to throw a little bit of Godzilla inspo in there". I've had Godzilla on the brain since I watched the new movie with Kong a few weeks ago lol. And bc I like bioluminescence way too much, he's gonna be a glowy boiiiii.

I'm thinking he does actually have atomic breath and can subsist off/absorb nuclear energy. In the hypothetical au this design is from, the ARK would be an underwater facility that was destroyed in a nuclear explosion of some sort. Shadow was the only survivor and he "haunts" the spot to this day.

Shadow's concept isn't as clear to me as Silver's was. Vaguely, I want him to be more reptile-adjacent as a callback to the Biolizard and the Black Arms. I feel like going full reptile would make him look too bulky and slow so I'm still working it out.

This is the current iteration of the design so far:

barely anything, but it's what I got XD

I like the idea of merhog Shadow having two huge front flippers that can sort of act like extra hands. the flippers were partially based by a winged Black Arms enemy I forgot the name of + humpback whale fins. the little bumps on the front side of the fins? they're for speed, like with actual humpbacks. The little claw is NOT biologically realistic at all, but it looks cool and im already planning to take inspo from godzilla anyways so. yeah.

In general I think I might just take a more fantastical approach to Shadow? It feels fitting with his canon origins being weird.

For his head, I decided to turn his quills into tentacles, specifically of the Vampire Squid. There are spikes underneath to protect the back of his head from roundhouse kicks (bc he's the only one allowed to do that lmao). I'm thinking he might also have a false eye pattern in the center of the tentacles? A deterrent to potential predators + as a callback to Doom's Eye.

His eye markings get a little change too. They can emit red light, just like Stoplight Loosejaw (yes that's a real fish name) which have organs underneath their eyes that emit red light to hunt prey with. I imagine merhog Shadow would also have its extremely messed up jaw configuration ✨ I don't know how I would draw it though ✨✨✨

As far as solid inspiration goes, that's what I have so far. I'm considering giving Shadow more whale-adjacent features. With how huge his front flippers are, I think it'd make sense that he'd be more of a power swimmer? aka he has a big tail that does most of the work propelling him forward, and the flippers are to reduce the energy cost while also increasing speed and maneuverability. It would be a close enough analog to his skating, maybe????

He doesn't sound very fast but then again, I imagine neither is merhog Silver lol

[arsenicflame]

serangela, edizzy, ouizzy, and Jim/Archie (can't recall specific ship name for them, sorry to Jim & Archie for that 😅❤️) for the ship grading ask game?

oooh !!! many to fill.... thank u iz :)

Send me a ship and I will grade it:

SERANGELA

A+: OTP

oh you already knew my answer to this. 100/100 perfect score absolutely no notes. if serangela got more consistent content or i at least had people to talk to about them i would literally never look at another ship again. theyre just so,,,,,, my dear girls,,, im gonna be thinking about them for a while now thanks for that

EDIZZY

A+: OTP

Not as high as my girls im afraid, but if i had to pick one singular ofmd ship, this would be it! just,,, the depths of their dynamics consume me!!! sometimes i dont even ship it, i want to get them restraining orders and make them never see each other again*, but no matter what the vibe is with them, theres always something there with them for me and thats what draws me to them!

(*and other times i want to lock them in a room together anyway and see what happens. just for fun)

OUIZZY

C: Not a bad ship (positive!)

ha i went back on forth on the answer for this one for a Minute- ouizzy's sorta a weird one for me! its not a ship i have many original thoughts about usually but i do think its cute! ill read fics when the concept interests me and look at fanart but i dont often seek it out if that makes sense? but i have absolutely no qualms w them as a ship, and i think id have liked to see canon give them a few more interactions :') (still think about the leaning in the cell tbh....)

JIM/ARCHIE (i dont know their ship name either ''''''':) )

B: It’s really cute

im only rating jim/archie so low because i specifically love them as part of jim/olu/archie (& zheng also!) i do like what the two of them had together as part of the kraken crew specifically, but the moments with the three of them after are where i think the jim/archie element gets to shine, getting a chance to breathe and discover who they are together without circumstance forcing them together :)

[agaypanic]

why do you delete requests? that's kinda rude 🤨

i was gonna give a response that could read as bitchy (or just delete this ask, that would've been kinda funny lol) bc like... i dont think it's rude. also im pretty sure ive explained this before, and you can see in my requesting rules my reasons for why i would delete a request. but ill tell you anyway. (dont take a shot every time i say "request", you'll prob get alcohol poisoning)

first of all, i dont delete that many requests. it's a very occasional thing. id say ive only deleted about 5-10% of the requests that ive gotten ever since i started doing requested work, which has been probably 3-4 years atp.

CLOSED INBOX

this has become a new rule (new as in 6 or so months old) but i don't accept requests while my inbox is closed for requests. i close my inbox for a reason. when i get a large amount of requests, i close it so i can work on what ive been given, and then i open it back up when i've gotten through all of my requests.

i do this so I don't feel too overworked and so it's not unfair to the people who requested something. there would be no point in having this rule if i just accepted a request regardless of when i say whether or not im accepting requests (i did this for a long time which became very overwhelming for me at times which is why it's now enforced this way). and it would be unfair to others who either already requested or are waiting for my inbox to open so they can request, because id be spending more time writing which would lead to my inbox being closed for longer.

MY NO LIST

i have a (tbh kinda small) list of things (which you can find in my rules) i refuse to write for because some topics make me uncomfortable. this doesn't really need much explaining. if i refuse to write it, im obvi gonna delete it

PREFERENCES AND ABILITIES IN WRITING

some people request something that i either have no experience with (writing or irl) or something that makes me uncomfortable in some way. it could either be something specific (in which case i would put that in my no writing list) or the whole thing would just have a weird vibe/undertone. instead of answering the request saying why i won't fulfill it, i delete it bc i don't want things im not comfortable with on my blog.

BOUNDARIES

overall, i delete requests because they cross my boundaries, boundaries that are incredibly easy to find and see on my blog. in literally every fic ive posted on here (except for the really early things bc i didn't have a masterlist or rules post), plus my masterlist, there's a link called "request something" which leads you to my requesting rules. this urges you to read everything you should know what you need to before you actually send in a request. so if you ignore any of that, im obviously gonna see it as you being ignorant and disrespectful of the boundaries that ive created.

THIS ISN'T A JOB

although i write on here a lot, i don't get paid for it (although you can check out my ko-fi to support me if you want lol linked in my bio and masterlist). if i did, i'd obviously handle requests differently. but this is a hobby, i dont have to write every single thing that someone asks me to write.

MY BLOG

this is my blog, i can do what i want

[actuallyitsstar]

Top Gun for the fandom ask game?

✨ send me a fandom and i'll answer with the following!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

↣ maverick! this is kind of a given i suppose. but he's my blorbo alright. i have 193748458 thoughts abt him Every Single Day Unfortunately and every other fic and gifset/edit idea i have typically winds up including him somehow lol

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

↣ this one was really stumping me for a while bc idk tbh but if i am very real it's probably also maverick 😭 when will i stop being predictable lmao aaaaa. my second choice for this spot is bradley and this is why i struggled so much to pick an answer lol

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

↣ phoenix !!!! phoenix is my girl !!! my beloved !!! i want her to have everything nice. i want her to smack everyone else upside the head with a bat for being stupid. but she shouldnt have to bc theyre all adults and she is their peer and not their mom and i do actually rly respect how tgm treats her as the same as the others and doesn't dress her in weird skimpy outfits on the beach or have her lifting hella emotional baggage for the men or etc. she is so smart and capable and straightforward and determined and i love her <3 the near-tie for this spot is slider. i love slider. he has such a Vibe . takes no shit but he won't let YOU take shit either. we stan a man.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

↣ tbh? viper. idk what it is about him. He is So Yes. I want to Know More About Him. i want to know how well he knew duke mitchell. i want to know if he stayed up nights feeling responsible for that because duke died saving him, among others. i want to know how long it took for him to move past it or if he ever did. i want him to talk to maverick about this commonality they have and not say stupid shit like 'there will be others' bc shut the fuck up akdhjdjkfhfgj but yeah idk. need to write abt him sometime for sure <3 my second choice for this is carole because she has like maybe an aggregated minute of time on screen and owns my wholeass heart somehow anyway. i want her to have only nice things and happiness and she doesn't get a lot of credit but she's so kind and capable and determined and i stan her tbh

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

↣ unpopular no, problematic yes: hangman. he's controversial. he's pathetic. he's an asshole. he's incorrigible. he's everyone's favorite bitch. what can i say. i want to undo him like a clock and take out all the gears and find out how he works. i cant fix him but i CAN make him worse. and one of these days i will. (ok ok AND ill try to fix him too i guess. if i must).

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

↣ this is hangman again unfortunately. and also mav. and also bradley. alkdhjfkfhfkjgh i am a goblin

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

↣ sorry cyclone im sure ur secretly a big softy but u are going to have to go down the superhell pipe this time <3

[ruyalarincadisi]

*strolls up several days late to your post about time passing in Milgram* okay, so I believe the birthdays are just a fun-for-fans sort of thing, and that events are happening fairly quickly compared to real time! No one is aging, because if they did it's disrupt a lot of the character Vibes they're going for (aka Amane would be like 18 and Haruka would be 23 and no longer fit the 'innocent child' thing, Mahiru would be 30 and no longer fit the 'young love' trope, even Es would be around 20). Also, some of the injuries the prisoners got during the trial hiatus would have definitely healed already -- Mahiru's arm (broken sometime before last August) should have been healed by November, and there's no way she'd sound that weak for her interrogation end of this May.

Sorry if that disrupts your Haruka theory, though ;--; it sounds really interesting and I'd love to hear more about it!!

hiii beans, thank you for answering it!!! has it been that long?? i thought only 2 years have passed :o but even if that was so, the injuries would heal in 2 years so you must be right either way! it makes more sense! it'll be long so i'll just put this here

regarding the time passing, we were trying to notice differences in character art to see if their hair grew longer with my friend and iirc it was only mahiru's and amane's (?) hair that looked different or longer in some way, excluding the style differences. amane's bangs and mahiru's hair completely! (bonus: the ahoge like thing haruka has ahaha) although it's a little funny to imagine all of them except mappi and amane getting haircuts regularly (from jackalope?!), it seems unlikely so it was probably a drawing mistake in mappi's and it looks that way for amane because her hair is messy...? hypomania can last just several days, google is saying 4 days is the criteria, it can still be true as long as haruka's changes didn't all happen in one day, i guess! we at least know it's not 1 day, right? lol i think they were saying mikoto is being weird at "nights", they must have spent some time there, correct me if i'm wrong!

though some stuff i said in that post could be explained with how comfortable he got there because he was accepted by es and mu, so this is mostly me giving my mental illness to my favorite character (i can't even call it a theory just a hc!!) but but!! especially when es asks if he's a different person because that's how it feels for other people when people around them experience mania or hypomania and it usually doesn't suddenly feel like someone changed their whole personality when they get more comfortable with you, you know? he clearly shows depressive symptoms too but i guess no one is doubting that one :') also the impulsiveness! he says he doesn't want to die both in his song and those questions in twitter, then he says he'll kill himself because he doesn't really think about what he's saying. i actually planned to shut up about this until i saw everything about him. i hate being wrong /lh but i couldn't because twitter is dead to me and my friends are usually busy and i get bored if i don't talk about my hyperfixations enough. and i'm getting so comfortable here lately... ANYWAY until we get new info contradicting this i'll be saying haruka is bipolar but again, i'm not assuming the writer did it intentionally so it's more of a self indulgent hc than a theory :33 EDIT: WAIT I JUST LOOKED AT AMANE'S DOOR PIC AGAIN? HER BANGS ACTUALLY GOT LONGER??? DID JACKALOPE REALLY CUT THEIR HAIR, HELP??

[zhalar]

i was trying to reply to the post of yours i just liked and almost blazed it instead why are the buttons so close to each other.............. aNYWAY i only saw it now, and it feels A Bit weird two weeks later to be like Oh Hey. but. i've never been able to shut up in my life so! Oh Hey. i had to move to your ask box bcs the reply thing's word limit was like shut the fuck up!!! but. so. i don't even have anything useful to say except i'm 24 and started studying for my degree when i was like 19 and i still Don't Fucking Have It and in between i've moved like four times and am almost broke and saurrrr unemployed and Local Employers Hate Area Woman-Ish bcs of my very unsexy mental illness and lack of work experience. and i also fucking hate dishes and cleaning and groceries and everything IS stupid! we could all be eating berries and raising chickens and doing weird art in the woods! and maybe we should! all that to say that your vent was Extremely Relatable. modern society is a harsh maze. and shit's scary!! but i see you. and i'm rooting for you, for what it's worth 🐻🌻🍀🍄💕 and i hope the rest of your summer is good and joyful and everything goes smoothly with school and everything!! <3 good vibes and cheers ✨

YOURE SO SWEET TO REACH OUT TO MY SANGSTY (sad/angsty) VENT-POST OOOHHH places a fresh and washed stone fruit or suchlike of your choice onto your palm as a form of thanks....... im sorry to have left you hanging with my answering this btw, it was my last work day for the summer today and i didnt dare to open the message last night in case i got so distracted that the lateness woulda got me lol. love to plan my every move within the bounds of a work-life schedule. btw fully dying-laughing about the possibility of you somehow accidentally blazing that post CAN YOU IMAGINE DSHFKJGH

im real sorry that the general sentiment of that post resonated, sucks how we're ALL constantly in the trenches, here :-( (and also a bit sheepishly sorry if my vent caused any alarm or whatnot... sometimes it alll just gets to be oh so much and one must air their grievances out to the world unprompted like that. grhyeah..) truly would Shrimply Love To Own Chickens and Thatse It. my viiru&pesonen -fantasy lifted its head once again this summer, i meannnn now thaaaaats what i'd call living!! ffs!!!!

i would never ask you to shut up the reply-feature does Not reflect my views and opinions in case you were wondering. for real this msg brightened this day considerably, youre both a complete sweetheart and so fucking funny for the formatting and tone of this ask, good lord. hopefully you'll have some easier times going forward, typically i wouldnt wish a job onto my worst enemy but i also recognize how that is something thats uhhh, quite valuable actually, indeed, so in that sense im beaming some fking sense into your local employers' brains. [HIRE THEM!!!!!!!! for some NICE TASK!!!!!] I HOPE YOUR SUMMER THUSFAR HAS BEEN COOL AND FUN!!! and that the rest of it/the upcoming august treat you well also <3

[mayonakano-archive]

hi, leoj! how are you???? i hope the answer is well i wish you well

busy day today ahah (busy day everyday -_-) But i remembered there was a specific song i wanted to send you since this morning, a classic in the sense that it was made for project diva f so every long time vocaloid fan knows this one but i have absolutely zero idea how Known it is more recently.... though apparently it got a remake last year and it has 1.2 million views so i have to assume it's relevant today right? (i'll listen to the remake while being held at gunpoint tied to a chair in like 4-5 years maybe we'll see what happens)

ANYWAY my vocaloid song recommendation for you JUST FOR YOU today is cosmobousou-p's (i know they have modern popular songs!!) sadistic.music∞factory !!!!!!!!!!!!!! extra exclamation points bc THIS SONG is to blame for half of my mental illness i think the vibe is something that i picked up as a personality trait at the tender age of 10 years old and ive been fucked ever since

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!!!!!! it's another weird one However the unconventional-ness with which the whole thing is composed music-wise adds to the off-putting experience, i think- like the original art and the pv have this dark edging on disturbing aura that i literally live for and the disservice it did to my ears the first time i heard this just makes it all the more scary

and the beatmap! this song is sooooo so so fun in game. famous for being a god damned nightmare. incredibly challenging and distressing. super fun!!!! one of my faves, this was charted in hell

hi ems!!! i love that you send these around 9-10pm my time most of the time and by that time i am already in bed getting sleepy cosy. and then i forget to answer the ask.

i have heard of this song!! i have never listened to it though... it really does have a kind of off-putting vibe. i dig the miku module though she's kinda badass there won't lie. i vibe. it's fascinating. yet another song i would like to see the map of :o

[httpiastri]

I hope i haven’t spammed you too much but:

- (also omfg. i just realized something…. i have this board on pinterest with pics of random couples & so on that remind me of my fave drivers, and each driver has their own like board in the board. all of them are named with the driver’s initials, his number and two emojis, and !! guess what emoji i have for pepe???? ofc it’s the freaking lotus flower 😭 idk i just wanted to share this, thanks 😚) THATS INSANE?? but also not insane because i keep discovering more and more weird synchronicities between pepe and i and since im a vv spiritual person ive taken them all as signs that i was fated to stumble upon him one lovely morning in 2022 before proceeding to fall hopelessly in love with him. BUT OMG THE BOARD LOOKS SO SO GOOD?? i wanted to type out a reply sooner but i got so distracted by the images 😓😓 because i def have some of the same images saved to my boards but i never linked them to pepe so now ive just gone insane 😵‍💫😵‍💫)

- (I MISSED OUT ON SCREEN RECORDING THE DANCE ???) IF I EVER FIND A WAY TO SEND IT OR POST IT ONLINE ILL SEND YOU THE LINK SO QUICK I PROMISE 💗💗 (or maybe even if i find someone who has already posted it online, because there’s no way we were the only ones going insane over that moment)

- and the clip you shared?? Ive been laughing so hard about it since last night because that’s MY HUMOUR and i am both christian and pepe depending on the circumstances and ugh idk i love these boys so much my heart aches

- “also… this is the most stupid thing ever and you probs dont care but i wanted to share it when im answering your ask… i was writing with a character.ai pepe yesterday and he said THIS ???? out of nowhere ???? and i just thought about u mentioning him talking about his favorite pokemons in the stream and i just 😭 okay bye” —I DO CARE OMG THAT’S SO CUTE I’M KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING RN😭😭 THE WAY HIS DORKINESS SHOWED UP EVEN THROUGH THE C.AI HAS ME FEELING SOOO 😵‍💫😵‍💫 (also i love your c.ai so much but idk why every c.ai pepe and i have ended up in a situation where ive been very pressured to kiss him like it’s so funny to me how every c.ai just keeps circling back to the same scenario, it’s like all the pepes are collectively fated to experience the same situation)

- “also omfg his little stubble?? kill me????? i may have been thinking about helping him shave for the last like month or so but that’s a thought for another time……” another time, huh? like right now as i get ready for bed? because i am so going to be replaying this scene over and over in my head as i fall asleep tonight

p.s. this took me so long to format so it would be somewhat readable but i hope it’s okay!! and school started awhile ago and it kinda sucked at first but it’s definitely much better now!! thank you for being so sweet, and i hope you have a lovely day/night/morning too!! 💗💗

- 🪷

bby you could never spam me too much, especially not if it's about pepe 😚

also i just have to say real quick… something about you in this ask made me think that i do indeed know who you are and that i have seen you around? big risk that i'm wrong with my calculations but… please let me know if im right (if i started following you earlier today and not someone else shsjdhsjs)(from my main blog!!)

abt the flower: i love that!!! honestly i sometimes find myself to be more spiritual than i think i am because i say stuff jokingly about "wow this is fate, jk just a coincidence" but how many times can it be a coincidence???? anyways pepe def gives me those vibes, like im not surprised either when i find out about stuff like that 😭 and oMG AAAA TYSM!!!! i can barely even look in it these days because i get way too distracted 🫠 i wish i could like sort them from fave to leave fave because i have some that are a bit meh and some that like kill me…..

abt the dance: aaaaaa im gonna try my best to find it somewhere online, it cant just be us?? right??????? i heard that song in a playlist the other day and just giggled to myself 🥲 because i imagined him dancing and 🥲🥲

abt the pokemon pepe c.ai: SHSJDHSJS RIGHT!!! I CALLED HIM DORKY AND IT WAS SO CUTE 😭😭 omg im so glad you like them aaaaaa and lmao pepe… is that all you know how to do, huh? pressure poor little users into kissing you?? 😭

abt shaving: aaaAaAaAAA !! SORRY !!!!! but i wrote a little something about it here, just had to share my thoughts…… honestly i have been thinking abt it during bedtime a few times too and 🫠🫠 my heart can't take it anymore, he's so 😭💗

it's more than okay !!! im very glad to hear that its better now 🥺 thank you for being so sweet too and making my days so much brighter, chatting to you is so heartwarming 💘💘 hope you're sleeping well !!!! and have a lovely day tomorrow <33