#there are multiple instances in game where you can die from being insulted. you can be bullied to LITERAL death by a coked up 12y/o

[sexygaywizard]

The fact that if Vriska ever saw Harry du Bois she would absolutely viciously insult him and there is like an 80% chance that Harry would literally and actually die on the spot from it is proof that Vriska is no match for him in a poor meow meow competition

[chroma-ki]

What Happens When Society Fails Those Who Could Succeed - A Bakugo Katsuki Analysis

I started this a while ago, but I’ve seen others delve into this topic and I wanted to share as well. This delves into to hero society’s affects on Bakugo Katsuki’s upbringing, his worldview, his self-view, and Izuku’s involvement in breaking down the ideas society has drilled into his head. 

A lot of people like to ignore the fact that Katsuki is a 14-year-old kid at the start of the series and that much of his life, attitude and disposition of the world have been completely shaped by the adults and society around him. 

What do you expect a kid with potential to turn into when they are warped in such a way by a society that dictates that they need to be strong, or nothing at all? What about when your only value is based around a sliding scale of strength and weakness? What happens when that kid’s only source of help comes in the form of a reckless, selfless child who defies all sense of logic and reason (Izuku)?

Growing up, Bakugo was constantly praised for being strong, having a powerful quirk and being generally the smartest person in the room at any given time. He could arguably be considered a prodigy, and much of what he sees and learns feels beneath him -- because it's already on his mind. He is a kid with natural god-given talent that everyone around him immediately recognizes as above average. 

Even as a toddler, he was constantly a step ahead of everyone else. Due to this, people developed a lot of high expectations for him at a young age -- and it doesn't help that he has a naturally competitive streak that makes him constantly want to prove himself and live up to these expectations; even surpass them.

Always being at the top of his class and being ahead of the curve mentally fuel the idea in Katsuki's mind that, in the game of life, he is 'winning'. Yet, at the same time, none of it is ever enough. Other's high expectations of him cause him to build extremely high expectations of himself; expectations that border on unrealistic. They also inflate his ego exponentially when this praise gets reaffirmed time and time again.

Certainly, in a situation where you're raised on other people's praise and validation, it is completely understandable that you would put a lot of emotional emphasis on other people's opinions of you. On top of that, he gives off such a natural and convincing air of confidence that people can't help but feel that he is reliable, despite his attitude. People are awed by him, and all of it feeds into the mental image he has constructed of himself, and the world as a whole. It's the whole reason for a lot of how he acts. He builds an image of himself based on the praise of those around him -- and even Izuku also feeds into this mentality by worshipping the literal ground Katsuki walks on as a kid.

This mentality seems to be working fine for him until Izuku's very presence starts to throw a wrench into everything Katsuki has been raised to believe. 

Izuku completely defies logic to Katsuki. Izuku does not fit the societal norm and, beyond what others have taught him, Izuku is Katsuki’s only real hint that the world might not be quite what he thinks it is, and that his idea of what it means to be strong may not be a ‘one-size fits all’ defenition.

Izuku is a quirkless kid; weak and generally mild-mannered. He doesn't have any self-confidence and is a big crybaby. Yet, Izuku still believes that he can be strong and become a hero -- when Katsuki has always been told the opposite. Katsuki recognizes that this may be some version of strength he is unaware of, and it raises BIG RED FLAGS in his mind.

Where many of Katsuki's other childhood friends were barely more than acquaintances who he forgot over time, Izuku immediately caught Katsuki's interest and spiked his curiosity. Like everyone else in his life, Izuku praised Katsuki and told him all the things he wanted to hear -- but Izuku was also unique and intelligent. Izuku was the first person who actually seemed like they could stand near Katsuki's level; like they might be actual competition. 

Then, Bakugo got his quirk and Izuku is diagnosed as quirkless. The reactions of everyone around him to this news, including Izuku’s own reaction, only go back to telling him what society has told him all along. Strength is everything, and quirks are a part of that desired strength. This is another moment that reaffirms Katsuki's world view. "I won, you lose. I really am the best."

Though Bakugo is super aggressive on the outside, he is a very self-critical character and often means the opposite of whatever he is saying. Especially when it comes to his self-confidence and bravado. 

People often complain when watching the series about him telling people to 'die' and "got to hell", or calling other people "extras", and I don't think enough people understand -- that is just how he speaks. Those are things he says out of reflexive anger. None of those words ever have any real meaning. 

It's more important to pay more attention to the moments in which he is more reserved/quiet. He suffers from both a superiority complex and inferiority complex, as well as paranoia (much of which revolves around his warped idea of how Deku, and other people he values, perceive him). Much of what he says is just empty words or him trying to project an image of self-confidence.

He wears his pride like a suit of armor to hide all the things he doesn't want to admit about himself. He attempts to make up for his own insecurities by getting angry. And he learned this at home from his mother, who is much the same as him.

From the little that we have seen of his parents throughout the series so far, his parents love him and provide him with everything he could possibly need -- but his mother often insults him and throws harsh truths in his face to counteract his cocky nature. One of the most notable instances of this is when All Might and Aizawa are talking to his parents about moving the kids to the dorms and his mom says "If you hadn't have gotten yourself caught by the villains in the first place, none of this would have happened".

That comment feeds directly into his mental breakdown in front of Izuku where he blames himself for All Might's downfall, flat out saying that "If I hadn't been kidnapped by villains, then it never would have happened".

It gets me every time if you go back to the 8th episode of the series, near the VERY BEGINNING -- right after he's defeated by Deku for the first time in combat training -- and the episode literally starts with him having a full on panic attack. 

He's trembling, hands shaking, hyperventilating, the whole deal. And that particular incident was triggered not only by Deku defeating him and standing up to him (which completely contradicts the Izuku that Bakugo has grown up with all his life and feeds into Bakugo's own fear that he is weak), but is also brought on by the fact that he notices how severely Deku allowed himself to be injured JUST TO WIN THE EXCERSIZE. Again, this idea that even the weak can be strong. It also doesn’t help that he cares about Izuku and doesn’t want to see him get hurt.

And I'm sorry -- but below does not look like the face of someone who's pissed off to me. He looks PETRIFIED.

Izuku doesn't just piss Bakugo off -- Izuku TERRIFIES him.

There are actually multiple instances of him reacting like this to Izuku injuring himself throughout the series: sludge villain, sports festival fight against Todoroki and the training camp where Bakugo was kidnapped being the major ones I can think of beyond current managa events. Bakugo may claim to ‘hate’ Deku, but he DOES NOT like to see Deku hurt himself to win, or to save. 

Bakugo saw this 'self-sacrificing' trait in Izuku even as a young kid, and it freaked him out. It made him feel weak. It made him question himself and the world around him.

This fear starts with the incident where Bakugo fell off the log as a kid. 

It wasn't a life threatening situation, but it was the first situation where Izuku rushed to Bakugo's aid with complete disregard to himself AND when everyone else refused to help. 

Bakugo's friends, teachers and parents all held him to such high expectations of intelligence, power and strength -- so of course those would be the values that he grows up idolizing. No one ever really offered him help, because they assumed he didn't need it -- and then Izuku comes rushing in offering it to him, risking his life to do so, and Katsuki's only thought is "Why?! Why do you feel like you have to save me when you can't even protect yourself? Needing to be saved means that I'm weak! Do you think that I'm weak?" I have recently watched another show that had a similar scenario and that character explained what I believe Katsuki felt in this situation BEAUTIFULLY.  ------ “It felt like [he] was trying to say I was weak or something. [He] was intruding on feelings [he] didn’t have any right to – and I hated it. Then that got me thinking about everyone else in my life. They never treated me like I was a weakling; someone who needed his hand held. They had faith that I would continue to grow and they let me do it; helping me without ever making me feel weak.” 

Izuku continues to do this again and again throughout the series when it comes to Bakugo: the slime villain incident, the training camp, etc -- all without fully comprehending how his actions affect Bakugo. Each time this happens, Bakugo feels weak and utterly helpless to save himself OR to stop Izuku. It's all his worst fears realized.

It's like living his worst nightmare over and over without end in sight.

Going back to the concept of him being offered 'help', very few people have offered him this throughout his life -- and they all saw it as something he never really needed. It's like Katsuki's personality and mental state is a huge sign screaming 'I DON'T UNDERSTAND! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! IT MAKES ME MAD AND UPSET! SOMEONE, HELP ME.' and everyone just ignores it.

--- During the log incident - all his friends say 'Oh well, he's fine. He'll pick himself back up.' and Izuku is the only one who offers to help. 

--- The sludge villain incident - all the pro heroes say "We can't help right now! You'll just have to hold on, kid!" and again Izuku is the only one who offers help.

--- After his and Deku’s first fight at Ground Beta, which utterly breaks him, all the other students just let him leave alone and only Izuku rushes to help. All Might sees him upset and crying after this and says, “Oh, I guess he’s already over it” -- when that obviously wasn’t the case. 

--- And then -- to top it all off -- after he was kidnapped by the LOV and held captive for 3 days without help he wasn't even given time to process! He was taken away by police, ridiculed by his mother, forced to go back to school where his teachers acted like nothing happened, jumped into the provisional hero licensing exam with all those helpless feelings rolling around inside of him and on top of it found out that Izuku received All Might's power -- a power that he had spent his whole life putting on a pedestal. And he goes to Izuku for help.

The fact that everyone just brushed him off like he was someone who didn't need help is just disgusting. The only instance where an adult in his life acknowledged that he needed it was AFTER he already had a full on mental breakdown in front of Izuku, blaming himself for everything that had gone wrong and thinking that he had somehow been living his life wrong all this time. Only then did All Might and Aizawa think, ‘Yeah, maybe we failed this kid.’ 

Keep in mind during all of this that he is 15-16-years-old! He's trying to figure out how to deal with this shit all on his own, with the only person he feels comfortable opening up to being Izuku - someone who he has so much trouble understanding.

At the heart of Katsuki is a place of fear. Fear of being weak, fear of being helpless, fear of failure, fear of losing his friends, fear of himself, most certainly fear of Izuku -- and fear FOR IZUKU. He is a boy who lives in a constant state of panic, worry and paranoia. He is lonely and beats down on himself a lot.

The series deals a lot with how hero society has completely failed it's future generations, but Katsuki is a case where they should have succeeded -- yet ultimately they failed him too. He has all the makings of what could be one of the greatest heroes of all time, yet those around him only focused on the parts of him that could make him great and chose to ignore all the parts that would ruin him from the inside out. 

They put him high up on a pedestal only to knock him down and refuse to help him back up. They made him feel like even asking for help was something that made him 'lesser', and it caused him to see other people that way too.

Izuku is the heart of Katsuki's growth, because in every way that Izuku succeeds, Katsuki fails. 

I would actually argue that out of anyone in the series since coming to UA, Katsuki has experienced the highest amount of personal failure. He has been knocked down time and time again but ultimately wants to pick himself back up to prove that he deserves to be there. He fights for his friends and tries his best at everything he does. He doesn't always get it right, and he says things that might offend others, but other than Izuku, he's the most driven person there and would utterly destroy himself to reach his goals.

[tearblossom]

Orbital Station Scene Analysis: Part 3

Lmao here we go again. Ready to fall even deeper down the rabbit hole that is this scene with me!? This one scene functions simultaneously as my source of joy and depression and I watch it more than I would care to admit. So, naturally, I have even more to say about it! It’s going to be long. Sorry.

Part 1- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645095661644251136/scene-analysis-this-is-just-what-i-personally-feel

Part 2- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645776311115186176/i-was-thinking-some-more-about-the-final-scene

In this one, I’ll be going into more detail explaining the emotional mask that I believe Takemura is trying so desperately to keep on during this scene (and undeniably fails at several times, with it coming off entirely upon the scene reaching a certain pivotal moment) and also pointing out the instances that I feel the mask slips occur. Honestly, it’s pretty easy to tell for reasons that I will explain. I’m going to reiterate the fact that I am not a facial expression/body language expert. This is just one human being looking at another human being and trying to figure them out. This is just my personal interpretation of this scene. Prepare yourself for many, many screenshots and gifs. Also, I will be using the same video sources as the other two posts because I don’t have my own footage. 

https://youtu.be/ra-Ij1KU8r4

https://youtu.be/PUmQqVOq5oY

I failed to mention before the reason that Takemura even had to put up the cruel facade in the first place because I didn’t want to state the obvious and insult everyone’s intelligence. We all know the reason but I’ll just say it here anyway: Arasaka. 

Arasaka is listening to Takemura’s every word so he literally cannot say shit to V that would hint at any sort of affection for him/her and absolutely nothing that would indicate any growing uncertainty in said corporation. Words mean nothing here. He has to speak through his eyes and expressions because that is all he has to offer, the only cards he has to play. That is why the meaning of this scene can be so easily missed and flies over so many people’s heads. I do not fault anyone that may have missed this on a first playthrough or even those that are still unaware of it whatsoever because Takemura is very, very convincing at first (his face becomes an open book once the contract gets brought out but we’ll get into that later) and besides, to truly understand something that involves emotions as complex as these caused by equally as complex reasons or anything involving subtext really, takes multiple viewings to truly appreciate.

In summary, what I believe is happening here is that during the entire scene up until the contract gets brought out, his mental state is constantly teetering on the edge of a cliff so to speak. He is trying so hard to fight his sentimentality and control his emotional responses not only to V’s misery and pain but also his own wavering faith in Arasaka because they are watching, listening, and monitoring. And he succeeds extremely well at first but it gets harder and harder for him to maintain the mask. The closer he physically gets to V, the harder it is to pretend, to hide. His eyes alone betray him on several occasions but eventually the whole facade just crumbles and he falls. And when the contract comes into play is when he truly, honestly looks at V and the communication through his eyes really begins.

Here is the key thing- it is the most important visual clue to understanding when things happen: When Takemura is feeling any doubt or his emotions begin to overwhelm him or he fears that they might, he promptly averts his eyes to get himself under control and readjusts the mask that has slipped. 

He looks away from V during these moments!

(Just to clarify, I don’t think that every single moment in the scene that he looks away from V has this deeper meaning behind it. When people talk it’s completely natural for them to turn their heads, avert their eyes to look at other things, etc. These are just some moments that particularly stood out to me as signs pointing to my little theory.) 

Okay...let’s start deciphering this conflicted, broken mess of a man.

Scene starts. Takemura is fiddling with the Rubik’s Cube. He puts it down. Expression cold as ice.

mask on full display in all of it’s glory

They talk about Saburo being back in the body of his son and have this exchange of words:

V: “Saw Saburo Arasaka’s back. In Yorinobu’s body.”

Goro: “Yes. Justice has been done.”

And then it happens for the first time...

(Could this be...doubt perhaps? Has justice really been done?)

Moving on- he walks over to stand behind the chair across from V, telling them of their imminent death.

Goro: “I will be blunt - the surgery did not help. You will be dead before winter.”

And then he proceeds to make this face immediately after...

(Lovely, isn’t it? Just full of sympathy. His mask game is strong. But don’t worry though because V wins in the end BIG TIME.)

Understandably, V gets very upset upon hearing this news.

V: “How... how’s that possible? Arasaka’s got the best and the brightest.”

And then something happens again. Whatever could it be, I wonder!

But wait, there’s more!

(He couldn’t even wait until he finished talking before looking away! It’s getting more difficult for him to look at V with a straight face every second! Also, his expression here is the most broken looking yet.) :(

He must not reveal what is hidden behind this emotional wall that he’s worked so hard to build up specifically for this meeting because the room they are speaking in may just as well be made of glass with Arasaka’s unrelenting gaze, an ever-present entity, on the other side of it. He will do so soon though, when he offers V salvation. The contract raises the stakes. The rules change. He feels the wall breaking and there isn’t anything he can do about it and he knows it.

IT’S CHAIR TIME, CHOOMS!

He looks away another 6 TIMES! Leaning more and more over that edge. Feast your eyes...

IT’S CONTRACT TIME, BABY!

Oh, shit!

It’s happening!!

He does look away here but there’s no mask on when he looks back...only despair.

It’s gone.

TO SIGN OR NOT TO SIGN

The disguise is off now. From this point onward, Takemura looks at V with his true feelings on display. This is where the ability to read the emotion portrayed solely through one’s eyes really comes into play because even though he’s not trying to hide anything anymore, he still can’t say what he really wants to say. We have to feel it through his expressions. His thoughts are so loud during these final moments of the scene that we don’t even need words to know what he’s saying.  

REFUSE TO SIGN

SIGN

HOLY GRAIL MOMENT!

(I’m literally going to copy and paste what I have in my part 2 analysis about this section because I explained my thoughts on it about as well as I am able to there and have nothing else to add. My apologies for repeating myself but I feel the exact same way about it so it still applies here.) 

These reactions make perfect sense because we’ve always known that he cares deeply for V and never stopped. He just couldn’t hide it! But even with this treasure trove of emotional mask slips and unintentional displays of affection, I still wasn’t sure exactly how deeply he cared for V. In other words- if he was actually in love with V or not.

Is he already in love or is he still in the process of falling in love? Is it just a friendly love? (hell no! I knew that was definitely not the case but I still had to ask just so I could cross it off the list!)

And then the two of them walked to the door and said their parting words.

V: “Gonna see each other again?”

Goro: “I believe we will.”

V: “So… see you.”

Goro: “Visit me in Kagawa - I will show you what is real food.”

And then…

he proceeded to make these faces…

HOLY

SHIT!

(The mask isn’t just gone now- it’s burned, splintered, shattered, exploded in a million pieces, disintegrated!)

This man just had the biggest revelation of his entire life: the realization that he is in love with V. These are looks of love and I will not be convinced otherwise. I’m not a facial expression expert or anything, only stating my humble opinions here, but are you seeing this!?

He realizes the truth and it catches him so off guard that he has to look away. He contemplates these newfound feelings and tries to sort them out in the few seconds that he has left with V. And he does. He accepts them. He welcomes them. The gentle, knowing look he gives V when he looks back at them is saying just this.

He also knows that he is now fucked because his love for V is going to complicate things so much more than they already were. Now that he is fully aware that he is in love, these feelings are going to directly conflict with his duties to Arasaka later if a situation arises that places V and Arasaka on opposing sides and I think we all know that is most definitely going to happen at some point.

And now he has to see the love of his life die and just leave this place and go on with his day. Damn. This is turning into one of the saddest love stories I’ve ever seen. Something major is going to happen in the dlc that is going to force his hand one way or another: V or Arasaka? I hope that Arasaka somehow fucks up so bad that it makes his choice easier but my heart breaks imagining the amount of conflict and torment that await him.

The Beginning and The End

[mistresseast]

can you explain in more detail why you think the PT weren't good friends for akiren? i'm not asking out of hate or to start drama, i just never interpreted things that way and i'm genuinely curious. i don't think them being brainwashed by maruki makes them "bad friends", but i don't know if that's what you meant either. i'd love to read a proper explanation on this that isn't just people arguing in the notes of that post.

Hi! Yeah, I know the ~discourse~ climate is pretty touchy and not a good place to exchange ideas, so I’ll do my best to put my thoughts on this matter into words. 

Settle in, bc this one is long.

I’ll start off by saying I don’t dislike the PT, nor do I think they’re bad people, and honestly I think they love Joker a lot! Ryuji calling Akira after his fake death and talking about how his ideas on what makes a hero have changed because of Akira genuinely makes me emotional, along with dozens of other scenes with the thieves! They’re good kids who could be really good friends to Akira but that’s not what’s shown in the game. I don’t think it’s controversial to say Akira’s relationships with all of his friends are transactional. That’s kind of the point, all of his confidants arise out of deals, give and take, and in the metanarrative of the game, that’s how it works. You as the player help these characters solve their problems, and through ranking their confidants up, you get access to more gameplay perks. So it’s pretty even!! But like,,Akira, the character, isn’t the player. There’s no in-story mechanic by which he can cash in friendship points for being-good-at-killing-things prizes. Yes, he uses those abilities to not die in the metaverse, but there is no literal, in-universe way to explain how hanging out with someone translates to [insert gameplay perk here]. So you have to look at what is physically happening in the story. Akira hangs out with the PT, stands there while they have drama with another irrelevant character, and then one way or another their problems get solved and they swear to be Akira’s blood brother or whatever. Akira is a crutch for these characters, and they say multiple times that they wouldn’t have been able to do what they did without him. So all of their shit gets handled and Akira gets?? Like actually gets?? What? Inquiries about his well-being? Offers to help him? Questions about his life, his interests? No,,,not really,, But he gets access to a super powerful persona!! Yay!!! Bc everyone knows he’s just a little shadow-killing machine, right? And even the relationships he does get something tangible (as in separate from the mechanics of the game) out of, like Kawakami’s, are built on the notion that if Akira stops providing for whatever reason, the relationship will end. So essentially, Akira is under the pressure of filling whatever role his friends need him in for however long at any time, and he’s been led to believe that if he stops or fails, he will stop receiving any reciprocal care and acceptance.

(And I know this is all gameplay stuff, I know it has to be like this to codify the complicated process of human relationships, I know all of that, I’m just trying to find a deeper layer bc that’s what I do.)

This whole thing comes into pretty clear focus for me during the third semester when you visit everyone in the false reality. Everyone is happy to see him, of course, but they’re clearly wrapped up in their own happiness. Which is understandable, again, I’m not saying the PT need to be attached to Akira to be good friends, but it all still feels off to me.

If they know Joker, then they’d know it’s weird that he just shows up and starts asking these pointed questions while they’re in the middle of something. All of their other interactions with him have been led by them. Yeah, Joker approaches them bc the player has decided to hang out with them, but the other character always chooses the activity and leads the discussion. Akira showing up out of nowhere and asking them to “remember” and “move on” and whatnot should be raising some major red flags. And it clearly does, since their memories do start to return, but they’re all too scared of losing their happiness that they nope out of the conversation as soon as possible, without stopping to consider why Joker might be trying to reach out to them like that. They’re his friends; they should know he wouldn’t just be trying to hurt them or make them unhappy. After all, their entire relationship with him up til that point has been exclusively about Joker trying to help them. This doesn’t make the PT bad people, running away is a totally natural reaction in that situation. They’re just kids, and their minds have been manipulated to a point, but it’s not like they don’t remember Joker or the way they’ve grown since meeting him. In fact many of them mention how much they’ve matured recently, but they never actually relate that back to Akira, despite him being the primary driving force behind most of their personal arcs, even though they definitely remember him. Translation vagueness or deliberate nod to the idea that the PT don’t actually credit Akira with all the hard work he did after their initial lip service? Hmmm. Anyway, their failure to recognize that Joker is struggling just demonstrates to me what was set up all throughout their confidant links, that their relationships are transactional and that they don’t necessarily consider Joker and his individual needs outside of what he provides for them. And when they no longer need him bc that hole has been filled, he simply doesn’t occupy the same place of importance in their lives. 

Makoto’s flashback in particular stood out to me, bc it was from a moment where she was specifically talking about feeling like she finally found a place to belong with the Phantom Thieves (and by extension, with Joker), but then she desperately tries to brush it off. Obviously that sense of belonging wasn’t meaningful enough to her for her to want it back. And I’m not blaming her, of course, any teenager would choose to have their father back over being in a vigilante group lmao, I just thought it was telling that the devs decided to show us a scene that was originally meant to be heartwarming as an example of the harsh reality Makoto wants to forget. All of the flashbacks are from defining moments for the thieves, but that one specifically got me like *thinking emoji*

So his friends are hesitant, despite the fact that they must know something is wrong. It’s understandable, they all stand to lose a lot if someone messes with the status quo. I genuinely don’t think I would react any differently. But there is someone who reacts differently and against his own self-interest. It’s Goro, the one who has arguably the most to lose, who doesn’t turn away from Akira. He seeks Akira out and teams up with him to uncover what’s really going on, even though he has every reason to believe that prodding too deep will literally mean the end of his life. He forces Akira and himself to face the truth because he knows anything else would just be an insult to what they’ve suffered so far. He’s the only one who never flinches, and that, more than any of his friends’ come-to-jesusing (which Akira still has to initiate) is what Akira needs in that situation. For the first time (outside of the brief instances in the tutorial levels), we see a situation where Akira is actually the dependent one, the one who needs help, who needs support. And the only one who has ever provided that, unconditionally, without demanding anything in return, is Goro. I could go into how Goro’s confidant blows all of the others out of the water in terms of building both himself AND Akira as characters, but it’s been said already and by smarter people than me. But basically, despite competition being a core theme of their relationship, Goro is the only character who is portrayed as Akira’s equal. Their contests are all in the name of improving not just Goro, but Akira too. Goro is the only character who expresses an interest in Akira’s inner life and development, and as such he knows Akira better than anyone else. So when Maruki tries to trap them all in a gilded birdcage, Goro won’t stand for it and he knows Akira won’t stand for it either. That’s why he’s so betrayed if you choose to accept the dreamworld. You’re negating the basis of your entire relationship with him and going against your own principles. Out of every character in the game, the one who knows Akira best and refuses to abandon him even when that could mean his own death is Goro Akechi.

I want to reiterate: I do not hate or even dislike the PT!! And tbh I don’t really think they “abandoned” Akira. That post, imo, is supposed to be kind of hyperbolic. Unless it’s referring to how many of them literally sprint away when he comes to talk to them lol. I look at it more like a commentary on how thoughtlessly the PT act as soon as their wishes are granted. I know it’s set up linearly for story purposes, but isn’t it kind of sad how no one checks up on Akira in the week he’s going around talking to people? Especially after he’s been acting so comparatively weird? It’s not unusual that they might be caught up in other stuff, but while you’re going around and visiting everyone, you don’t get a single text or call from ANY of the thieves, for a whole week!! Goro even comments on it directly with his pointed little “I’m sure you’re just as close as you were before” comment. God, he’s such a bitch. Ultimately, the PT do get their acts together, and it’s partially out of the realization that Akira is struggling alone against something and needs their help, which I love and appreciate. I think they are good friends who want to support Akira, but they can’t understand him past the role they’ve placed him in, and until they do, they’ll never be able to be what he needs. Akira loves his friends and knows he can rely on them in most ways, but those relationships will always be dogged by the pervasive fear that he must constantly earn the right to have the relationship at all. What he needs MOST is someone he doesn’t have to perform for, and from what we see in the game, none of the thieves fit that bill. Except Goro. 

I know this was long and rambly and probably pretty disjointed but I wanted to be as thorough as possible and all of my thoughts just sort of gushed out. Obviously ymmv about all of this depending on how you interpret the game, but this is what I arrived at thanks to my analysis so this is what I have for you! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

[jmsebastian]

Completely Covert: Sniper Wolf and Meaningful Boss Fights

For a game about avoiding combat, Metal Gear Solid has a lot of boss fights. I suppose it can’t really be helped. The bosses are designed to employ skills that the player doesn’t use as often during regular gameplay, and they have even more significance to the telling of the game’s story.  Without boss fights, there would be less room for Kojima’s cinematic touches to exist in. Because the bosses require Snake to actually fight back, the limitations of the game’s design start to show. Firing your gun is actually a pretty clunky process, for instance, since Snake’s aim is absolutely terrible. Bosses like Revolver Ocelot and Psycho Mantis move a bit too quickly to give you confidence about whether you’ll be able to shoot them in time, often leaving you open to attacks that you can’t react to quickly enough. Cyborg Ninja requires the use of unarmed combat, which is a mixed bag of overly large hit boxes and stiff combo animations. The first fight against Vulcan Raven requires getting up close and personal with a tank, which plays out more as a physical comedy gag than a tense action sequence. Snake can survive being run over multiple times, and destroying the tank is a matter of running under the main gun and chucking grenades into the hatch, which keeps opening because the people driving the tank are idiots.

I have a surprising amount of health left after having my head run over.

As a general rule, a lot of trial and error is required to figure out the movement and attack patterns of the bosses. You will get relevant information via calls on the Codec, cluing you in on the general tactics of the fight. The particulars are still left up to you, and there’s a wide margin for error. Thankfully, the punishment for these bosses is minimal. Your death sequence takes a little while to play through, but once the game reloads, you’ll generally be right outside the arena. Any cutscenes you’ve already seen can be skipped (most of them anyway) to get you right back into the action. Due to Snake’s very low health in the beginning of the game, you’ll likely die quickly in the first encounter or two for each boss before coming to grips with the best methods of cheesing your way to victory. Despite the frustrations, the boss fights don’t often feel too at odds with the stealth mechanics required during the regular levels.

The high point of these encounters comes during the showdowns with Sniper Wolf. The lone assassin introduces herself by shooting Meryl (a character whose inclusion in the game makes less and less sense to me over time) as she and Snake make their way to the communications tower. With Meryl down and out in the open, she becomes bait to lure Snake to his death. Before you can actually take on Sniper Wolf, you’re  tasked with retrieving a weapon capable of putting Snake on a level playing field with his enemy. This introduces the first prolonged backtracking sequence. While it seems counter-intuitive to leave Meryl lying out on cold concrete to die, the relatively quiet trek back to the armory gives the player time to reflect on what’s happened. If they, like Snake, started to become attached to Meryl, the feeling of revenge might play an important role in motivating the player for the upcoming fight. It’s a nice piece of quiet time to allow the suspense to build. Getting the PSG-1 sniper rifle is fairly mindless since Snake is more powerful, the player is more familiar with the area, and there are few guards that can be encountered along the way. It can almost feel like playing the game on autopilot while being preoccupied with looming dread.

Sniper Wolf and her not completely covert cleavage.

The seed of dread, of course, is fear, and that fear is completely justified. For every other boss fight up until this point, you’ve been able to see your opponent in a fairly confined space. They share the arena with you and, despite a few tricks up their sleeves, are pretty straight forward encounters. Facing Sniper Wolf is a completely different situation. The first challenge is getting used to firing a gun in the first person perspective. First person could be used previously to check out your surroundings, either just by looking around using the Triangle button or using the Scope, but combat was strictly a third person affair. FPS games were certainly not uncommon, even on the Playstation, but in a game that is essentially played from a top down perspective for the vast majority of play time, it’s a significant challenge to suddenly use a weapon in the alternate perspective.

It doesn’t help when this is all you can see through the scope.

Not being able to constantly see the location of your target is the other huge hurdle. Sniper Wolf can easily shoot Snake if he carelessly wanders out from behind cover, so the first task is to figure out exactly how to engage her. This, like with all MSG boss fights, is the most frustrating part of the ordeal. Part of the problem with fighting Sniper Wolf is that her tells on when to  safely equip the PSG-1 are misleading. With your back against the wall, you can see when Wolf has her gunned aimed by the red laser that tracks along the passageway’s concrete surfaces. One would think when she’s looking down the scope of her rifle, that would be the most dangerous time to engage. Sometimes, this is true. When the laser is fixed on a position, odds are coming out of cover will mean getting shot. It would make sense, then, that when there is no sign of the rifle, you’d be safe to set up. This is also true, but only sometimes. Without knowing her exact location, coming out from behind a wall when you don’t see her scope laser will pretty much guarantee getting shot.

Right through the heart.

Ducking in and out of cover makes for an incredibly frustrating experience. It seems like there just isn’t enough time to take aim. Either the scope’s view is on the wall when you equip the PSG-1 and you get shot before you can find Sniper Wolf with your scope, or you get blasted before you even get the chance to equip the gun in the first place. Adding insult to injury, if you get shot while looking through the scope, your aim will be completely thrown off to the point where trying to re-calibrate via the scope is a fool’s errand. It’s a helpless feeling. That helplessness leads to the sense that Snake has finally come up against insurmountable odds. The accuracy and unpredictability of Sniper Wolf’s attacks combined with the clunkiness of the PSG-1’s first person controls and Snake’s nerve addled aim make this fight the most tonally appropriate in the entire game. Defeating your opponent requires the same mental approach that the stealth sections of the game established from the very first level with the exception that you can’t sneak your way out of it this time.

It turns out Sniper Wolf’s movements can actually be tracked. Although the low resolution of the Playstation means it doesn’t work out as well as was probably intended, you can see her as she runs between shooting points. It is during these transitions that you have a safe window to move out into the open and take aim. To combat Snake’s nerve, you can also take (if you find any) Diazepam, a drug that temporarily stops involuntary trembling, resulting in your aim remaining still when not actively being manipulated with the controller. The effect doesn’t last particularly long, however, so maximizing the time in which you have the steady aim is paramount to success. Really, what the fight comes down to is choosing the right moment to set up, and making sure you land your shots so as not to be forced back into cover. Reestablishing your attacking position can mean getting stuck in a loop of taking repeated damage, and potentially waste your Diazepam and bullets in the process.

Finding Sniper Wolf feels more like playing Where’s Waldo? than Metal Gear Solid. I promise she’s in the screenshot.

This is a fight that can become much easier with practice, but the learning curve is steep. Even completing the fight several different times, it can still feel like a bit of a crapshoot as to how successful you are. In one attempt, Sniper Wolf might take quite a while to get a clear shot at you once you’re in position. Other times she’ll hit a bull’s eye before you can even find her in the scope. What’s nice about the difficulty is that it further reinforces the emotional stakes of the situation. I remember carefully monitoring the number of rations, pills, and bullets I had left, with my level of anxiety increasing as each resource dwindled away. Bullets will respawn in the arena to prevent players from being unable to complete the fight, but if you run out while you’ve got Sniper Wolf on the run, you have to give up your advantage and retreat back behind cover. Health and Diazepam are finite. Defeating Sniper Wolf is monumentally more challenging without a good amount of both. Overall, the boss fight makes good on just about every aspect it set out to. It effectively instills the fear one might actually feel if being hunted down in this manner. The payoff, then, is extremely satisfying once your final shot drains the last of her health bar.

It’s a good thing this boss fight is so good, because shortly after your victory, you end up captured by Sniper Wolf and some nameless soldiers. The relationship established in the scene between Snake and Wolf builds up the inevitable second encounter, which takes on a starkly different tone. It begins much the way the first encounter did, only instead of Meryl being picked off, it’s Snake who takes a direct shot after wandering too far out into a snow field. The mechanics of the fight are exactly the same as the previous, only this one is quite a bit easier since you can maneuver Snake into a position where he can hit Sniper Wolf, but she can’t really hit back. Once the position is established, it’s just a matter of watching Wolf run back and forth between trees and shooting once she tries to aim. If you manage to restock on Diazepam it becomes almost trivial. Without it, you’ll have to fight a bit with the intermittent shaking of the scope as your real enemy.

Without Diazepam.

Despite its relative ease compared to the first fight, it plays out quite nicely. It feels good to have the tables turned in your favor. With Meryl no longer the focal point of the engagement, there’s an undercurrent of control that Snake seems to have, even though he’s placed in the same predicament as before. It’s hard to know if the fight was designed specifically to produce this feeling in players, but the more forgiving terrain and the ability to attack while stiller in cover (accidental oversight or not) turns Sniper Wolf into the prey. The reversal is not exactly groundbreaking, but it is satisfying, and completing her story arc after she suffers the final shot is one of the turning points in the game for both Snake and his scientific companion, Otacon. Yeah, he loves her apparently, which feels more than a little forced.

It’s strange that Sniper Wolf plays such a prominent role in moving the story forward despite not having a prominent role outside of the fights. She isn’t introduced before she shoots Meryl, and she doesn’t really do much until she tries to finish Snake off. She isn’t the only character to get short shrift, as Vulcan Raven gets even less screen time and backstory, but her role as the catalyst for both Snake and Otacon makes her one of Metal Gear Solid’s most important characters. She’s arguably more important than the big bad, Liquid Snake. It’s fitting, then, that her boss fights are so emotionally fulfilling. They stand out among a series of boss encounters that are interesting mechanically if shallow in every other regard. No matter how many times I face her, my anxiety still goes through the roof. I still can’t help but feel like all the odds are stacked against me.

[tenebraetempest]

Football, Video Games and High School - A Phan AU Chapter 1

AO3 Wattpad Deviantart

Dan left Wokingham after his grandmother passed. With his father and younger brother, they moved to Manchester to be close to where his grandmothers grave was. But now Dan has to face the challenges of a new school. Bullies, new friends, and crushes. How was he going to survive? And why was he so enthralled with the Captain of the football (Americans read: Soccer) team, some weird tall northerner Phil Lester?

Aka your typical jock and nerd AU because I'm a sucker for those and love dan and phil

WARNING: Aggressive language and slurs used against Dan; May not be suitable for those who are sensitive to topics of bullying, and self harm 

“HEY FAG!” Was the first thing Dan heard stepping through the halls of his new school. He was a 16 year old sophomore who just transferred from Wokingham to Manchester, after his father decided to move back to the place where Dan’s grandmother was raised, and the place where she was buried, so they wouldn’t be too far from her. But Dan’s first day would stick it to his mind that this was the worst idea, and day, ever.

Dan felt his shoulders hinge forward that named being shot at him as soon as he was spotted by some jerk. He wasn’t a small target—But, definitely an easy one, being a lanky 6’3”, wearing a long black trench coat, his brown hair flipped over his face and was only like that as he straightened it ever morning, black skinny jeans and probably some semi-formal dress shirt hidden under said trench coat. “Hope your mommy saw what you wore before you stepped out looking like some emo bitch.” The other student, he presumed was a senior, stepped over to him with the confidence of 20 horsemen.

“I heard he uses his boyfriends cum to take care of all of that hair on his head.” Another one walked behind the other senior, laughing like an idiot. They both high-fived, and Dan managed to rush off in their distraction. They both laughed again watching him run off, probably spouting more bullshit about him but he tried to ignore it, feeling his face red from anger and tears welting in his eyes. Dammit, they’re just stupid insults that mean nothing, why? Dan rushed off to the bathroom so he could wash his face, breathing deeply. He was not about to cry on his first day here.

Suddenly he heard a toilet flush and someone came out of the stall and he froze. He freaked out a bit, trembling slightly with his hands clinging to the sink. He kept his eyes down to the sink, afraid to make eye contact or to even look at him.

“You alright?” He heard the other male speak up. He had a rather northern English accent, he guessed he wasn’t from Manchester either… But Dan didn’t answer right away. It took him a moment to gather up his confidence.

“I-I’m fine. He turned quickly stumbling his way over to the paper towels to wipe his hands and face. The guy seemed to have lost interest and left finally, and Dan exhaled loudly once he was gone. He tossed them away in the can, and exited the bathroom right as the bell rang. Fuck, he didn’t know how to get to his class…

A girl suddenly approached him, having a light auburn hair, she smiled up to Dan, “Hey! You look new. Do you need help to your class?” She questioned, and Dan flustered slightly at this girls sudden enthusiasm. She must be one of those kids that guides around freshmen. Dan shook his head, and left without saying anything, awkwardly fumbling with the paper in his hand. Geometry... Class 22E. 2 for the second floor? He looked around to the classes on the first floor all being labelled with a 1 in front of them, so he figured he was right.

He clambered up the stairs, mostly trying to avoid anyone else hoping dearly he wouldn’t run into those two assholes again… The late bell rang and he cursed, seeing a bunch of other confused students in the hall like him. Well, it’s the first day, so hopefully the teacher won’t be mad since he’s new… and it is the first day.

Dan finally got to his class, showing his schedule to the old man standing by the door. His eyes squinted a scrutinizing look over it. “Daniel J Howell… I’ll put you as present. Don’t come late again. This is the only day I’ll excuse it. Late kids get immediate detention.” The man informed him, and Dan nervously nodded, quietly walking into the room, not bothering to look at faces. He simply stared at the desk and made sure to pick one far in the back corner, so he could be on his own. He sat down pulling out his notebook and pencil once he was seated. The teacher stood by the door, still waiting for some students.

Things seemed peaceful at first, no trouble, until suddenly, the two boys from earlier had slammed their hands down on his desk, causing him to visibly jump out of shock. “Aww look, we scared the baby~” One chirped, elbowing his friend. Oh great… His first class just ended up being these fucking douchebags again. Amazing. “Hey sweetheart, what did your boyfriend say when he learned you were moving to Manchester, ay?” He smirked, and the other howled in laughter as if it was the funniest thing ever.

Dan kinda sunk in his chair, shaking from both fear and anger building inside of him. “Go away. I don’t want trouble…” Dan muttered quietly.

“Is that so? Funny when you look as flashy as you do, doll face. Like some freakishly tall lady. Maybe that’s what you are, eh freak? You some tranny of the sorts?”

“Yo, back off.” A familiar voice resonated from behind the two seniors in sport jackets. It was that same northern Dan had heard in the bathroom coming out of the stall. The two seniors turned away to him, and they both snickered.

“Ah, you got the captain even coming over here. You have fun with that.” One of them teased rudely, and turned away. “Yeah, now the captains gonna deal with you fag.” Said the other, and the ‘captain’ lifted a hand.

“I said, leave already you two.” His voice was sterner that time, a cold undertone digging into all three of them. They both scrambled off, and Dan stared up to him. He seemed to be about his height, if not slightly shorter. He had dark hair yet piercing eyes. They seemed blue- No, slightly greenish. It was a pretty mix of colors he couldn’t completely discern. “You… Be careful, kid.” He glared, his eyes drilling into Dan’s.

He then turned away to go take his seat as the teacher had stepped back into the class. Once he had sat down, a thought rushed to his head. Oh, jeez. I hope he took that as legit concerned warning, and not a threat… I don’t mean to come of menacing…

Holy fucking shit I’m going to die, I’m going to die. I just came to this school and I’m already going to fucking die. Were the words bouncing and repeating themselves around Dan’s head after the captain guy walked away, all the hairs on his body raised and his blood rushing and heart thrashing against his ribcage. He could barely even hear the teacher over the pulsation he heard in his ears when he called his name.

“DANIEL! I’ve called your name twice. Please pay attention next time.” The teacher yelled, causing multiple students around to snicker.

“S-Sorry sir. It won’t happen again…” Dan said, his eyes staring to the empty journal sitting on his desk.

“Good.” He then looked back to his role, continuing to call out a few names. “Joseph Ken,” He heard, was one of the boys harassing him. “Adam Kendall,” Was the other. Soon, the captain guy—“Phillip Lester,” He heard the teacher call out. That was the captain… Phillip. He corrected the teacher to refer to him as ‘Phil’. Those were the only names he remembered hearing being called on the role because they were the only ones he recognized the voices responding to it to. So Phil was the guy threatening him. This was really a shitty first day of school. He’s already gotten on the wrong side of the football (Americans read: soccer) team. Amazing. Great. Wonderful. Just what he needed along with the stresses of moving.

Dan tried to survive the rest of his day, and realized he had two more classes with Phil, and not the other two. Despite Phil absolutely terrifying him and his being sure he was literally going to probably die, he couldn’t help but find himself staring at Phil. He was so kind to the people he spoke to, a charmer even. He had such a bright and sweet smile… Like a sunshine was bursting inside of his chest. Nervously, in their Psychology class, while the teacher was going over what they were planning for the year, Dan found himself staring at Phil and started to doodle him in his journal. Everything he could see- Without making it obvious he was staring.

Though that was hard to do, some girls who had been talking with him noticed and told him. Phil looked back to Dan, and he freaked out. Staring intently to his journal scared. He heard him laugh quietly. It wasn’t a taunting laugh… A gentle, quiet laugh. His face was a deep red, and he shut his journal, keeping silent and doing nothing for the rest of the class, worrying he would come over to see what he was doing and he was a dead man if he let him see.

The day passed without any more trouble thankfully, and Dan was ready to be done with the day already. Dan finally gathered all of his stuff from locker, and draped it over his shoulder trying to head home as quickly as possible. He was interrupted by said captain earlier. Oh no… This was bad. Phil walked over, “Howell.” He called him by his last name. He must’ve remembered it after this morning’s incident... He felt his blood run cold as he saw the pale arm suddenly there in his face, slammed up against the locker. Fuck—He was cornered up against the locker by the captain of the Football team. He was definitely going to try to beat the shit out of him or something—He honestly didn’t know. It must’ve been from all of his creepy staring—Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“Howell, is it?” Phil asked, looking down at him. Dan was taller, but he sunk down out of nervousness, so it made it seem like Phil was taller than him in this instance. Dan took a moment of avoiding eye contact until he finally looked up to him. Just as Phil was about to open his mouth again Dan broke down, tears streaming from his eyes. “Ah—Wait, don’t—” Dan ran off quickly under Phil’s arm, freaking the hell out and trying to escape as quickly as possible. “Howell!!” Phil yelled out, but he was already out of sight. He bent over, he had left his pencil here… Whoops. Phil picked it up and slipped it into his pocket. He should return it to him later…

Dan was rushing out at once he had made it to the bus loop, Adam and Joseph were there, one of them yanking at his arm, and shoving him to the ground. “Hey hey, hold up buddy, what’s the rush?” Adam smirked, and Dan hissed feeling his body tossed to the ground, trembling. “Yeah, no need to run home to you mommy and sob, kid.” Joseph interjected, and bent over, and reached into his pocket, ripping his wallet out of it. “Oh look, he has a wallet. Wonder if this emo fucks got any money to spare?”

“W-Wait! Please give it back!” Dan begged, fumbling to get up, but Adam kicked him in the gut and knocked him down again.

“Ey, stay down boy.” He laughed, as if talking to a dog. They both opened it up and nothing was in it besides a school ID. “What, is this for show or something? Fucking useless,” He tore into the weak fabric of the wallet with ease, “Joseph, help me tear it all up.”

“Please, stop…! My- My grandmother-” He blubbered out, and they laughed.

“Oh, a gift from your nana?” Joseph scoffed, “Clearly she doesn’t love you that much with this flimsy old thing. Sucks, eh?” HE said, holding the destroyed wallet in his grasp and then dropping it.

They laughed like idiots, and walked off. Dan felt tears on his face, shaking as he picked the pieces back up, shoving them into his pocket. He sniffled and wiped his face off, walking home pathetically. On the way home, he stopped by the cemetery where his grandmother was buried. He sat down by the grave, sighing softly. “Hey, Nan.” He sat there, wiping the tears that were still left on his face away.

“I’m sorry for letting the wallet you made get ruined… Today’s been awful… I wish we had just buried you back home… But maybe you’re happier here, I don’t know.” Dan fumbled around with his trench coat sleeves. “I’ve already gotten on the bad side of the football team, I’m basically already destined for failure here on my first day, Christ… Ah, sorry for using the name in vein, you’d probably be upset at me doing that…” He gently placed down the pieces of the wallet on the ground of his Grandmothers grave, and stood up. “I should head home… I’ll be back, nan.”  As he was about to walk away, he just as quickly dropped down to the ground, catching a glimpse of Phil here. D-Did he follow him?!

No… It didn’t seem that way. He carried a bouquet of white morning glories, walking and not even noticing Dan was also there. Dan crotched down behind his grandmother’s headstone, watching Phil. He watched him as he crouched down in front of a grave, placing the flowers down with teary eyes. He seemed to be mumbling something, and then walking off. Dan tilted his head, and saw that Phil saw something. He ducked down and stayed completely silent, and then Phil was on his way. Dan looked to the headstone that Phil just walked away from. The last name read Lester… Must’ve been someone important to him. Maybe he was wrong about Phil. But then again maybe it was just that one soft side of him. He was going to avoid those three like the plague… He then finally headed home, trying to collect himself after all of the nonsense.

“I’m home,” Dan called out, stepping inside, and heading up to his room immediately. He angrily tossed his bag against the wall, feeling upset. He pulled out his journal that was empty this morning, now being covered in scribbles and poems he had written all day, he liked to write poems in his spare time. He had a lot of creative energy he didn’t really know how to express. He looked to the drawing of Phil he had in his journal and sighed softly. Why was he so enamored with this fucking boy? He probably thought he was some creep and nothing more. This was ridiculous. He needed to just get over it. Yet something inside of him just… Wanted to see his face again. His sweet laugh and soft smile… Dammit, he was fucking stupid.

He dropped his journal back in his bag, he needed to just sit down and wind back with some video games he can’t deal with this. He grabbed out his DS and thought he could relax… Hopefully just with some games and hide until he’s actually obligated to do stuff. And he needs to sort his confused fucking feelings…

“Hey, you know that new kid was here too, huh? Fucking creep watched you.” Joseph suddenly appeared behind Phil as he was walking home.

“Hm? Why do I care? He probably was visiting someone too.” Phil suggested, shrugging his shoulders.

“He could be some creepy stalker too. You know he was staring at you all day.” He looked to him with a nasty look. “Some fucker staring at you happening to be at the same place is a bit enough for suspicion of stalking, don’t you think?”

“Jeez, back off already. Give him a break. I want to head home without you spouting off nonsense for once.” Phil rolled his eyes, and walked faster.

“Well… When you find out he’s a stalker, you’re going to be thanking me!”

Phil waved him off. “Probably not.” He too longer strides now rushing off home. He got inside, and yelled out to his mom. “Mom! I’m home, I’m gonna go to my room for a while!”

“Don’t forget to do the dishes later!” His mother called back.

“I won’t!” He sighed was he was in his room again, sliding his back against the door. Back in school again, huh… Though something was different about it. He had met that new kid—Daniel was his name? He had really pretty eyes and it looked like his hair was really soft… Shit, what? Why are you letting yourself get flustered over some new kid, not to mention, a guy? God he’d be exiled out of existence if this ever slipped to his team. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the Black mechanical pencil that had been dropped by him. He should return it to his locker tomorrow morning… Dan would probably run scared again if he tried to confront him. He couldn’t get his mind off thinking about how he must’ve accidently scared the hell out of him this morning.

Maybe an apology letter is in order to… He’d have to come to school really early if he wanted to deliver it though… Yeah, that would be the best thing to do. He didn’t want to leave the school with any kids holding a vendetta against him. He was a senior with only this year left. Don’t screw it up, he told himself. You can make it through one more year of football and teachers and schoolwork… Then you’re done. Just… Tough it out. Yeah… He sat down at his desk, now, and decided to go ahead and start with the letter right away.

[lucyoort3p18]

Audience Studies 3P18 Blog Post #8

In seminar, we each gave our own examples of times we noticed commodification playing a large role in a sporting event we were attending. The Kim, Cheong, & Kim (2016) article focuses on the way a phenomenon, such as a sports game, can be enjoyed differently depending on where we view it (p. 390). Our facilitators’ main focus was the way audiences are marketed to during a live sporting event. My example was souvenirs available at the venue—whether it be a stadium, field, arena—most have things such as souvenir cups available to purchase a beverage in. The last time I attended an NFL sporting event, there were souvenir cups with specific players on them. These were interesting, though, because the specific cups with whichever player on them were only available on that one day, and at the next game, they would be selling a cup with a different player on it. The stadium also heavily advertised the importance of “collecting them all”. This is a way to ensure that people are always coming back, and that fans are attending more than just one home game per season. If we can only get one version of the cup at one game, we have to come back next week for the other design. Especially if we are die-hard fans of our team. 

Our seminar facilitators then asked us; are sports fans agents, or outcomes? In terms of my example, I believe that there can be a compelling argument made for sports fans as outcomes. If we are being told that we have to collect these special cups, with all of our favourite players from our favourite team, but can only do so by attending multiple games, this may influence how many games we attend. Somebody who may have only planned on attending one NFL game this year could end up back for four or five more, which is exactly what the souvenir cup concept aims to do. The rest of my classmates had interesting stories about attending sports games, and there seemed to be a mutual understanding that in order to feel like a ‘real’ fan, you had to be wearing team memorabilia. Whereas, at home, we do not feel this way and are comfortable cheering for our team however we like. This article by Kim, Cheong, & Kim (2016) focused mainly on the contrasts between watching something at a venue or theatre versus watching from home. Again, the recent NFL football game I attended had a lot of examples of some of the concepts. The idea that the atmosphere and being surrounded by others cheering along with you is important for our enjoyment (p. 393) made me think of some of the good, and bad, instances where this came up.  For example, the game I attended made a lot of the home team fans angry, because the referees were making multiple calls in the away team’s favour, and some of them seemed really far-fetched. Fans became very angry. I noticed that everyone around me began to chant together, “Review! Review!”. Among this, they were also using obscene language to insult the referees and their calls. However, I found the audience’s calls to review the plays being question very intriguing. When we watch a game at home, we may have the same thoughts, but we do not bother yelling them to the television. At the live event, there is a good chance the officials will hear the crowd if enough of them cheer. There was a new sense of autonomy as the crowd here, and the feeling that we have the ability to alter the events. This is a great example of how watching a game at a stadium can add to the sense of presence, which Kim, Cheong, & Kim (2016) claim is one of the biggest social factors of watching in person (p. 393).  

Alternatively, in the textbook, Sullivan (2013) discussed the concept of time-space distanciation, which refers to the closing of the gap between the media and the audience, with modern media and screens (p. 174). This made me think of the sports fans who do get up and yell at their screen as if the players, coaches, and referees can hear them. For example, I know my Dad always did that when he would watch his favourite team play. He would talk to the television as if the team could hear, either praising a player, or speaking less kindly to them. We can see the entire game on television now, so we do not feel so far away from the actual game, and sometimes the distance lines can be blurred.

Off the topic of sports, social media and platforms such as YouTube have brought us closer together, and the geography means less. Sullivan (2013) also brings up ‘mobile privatization’, describing the ability to enjoy the benefits of social and outside interaction from the comfort of our homes (p. 175). This is applicable to YouTube and vloggers, who attempt to bring their fans along with them on daily excursions or sometimes really mundane tasks such as grocery shopping, as an illusion of spending time together and “getting to know” the vlogger.

Here are some examples of videos which, we can tell just by the title and thumbnail, we are about to be taken along with someone to “hang out” with them while they live their day. Really, we are doing this from home while they go out/get ready to go out and do things. This blurs the line between the home and “out there”, because now what is the difference between actually going out with a friend, and sitting at home watching a YouTuber that we think we know personally, and being taken along with them on their day? This relates back to about the second week of the course, when learning about Brown’s processes of audience involvement. The para-social relationship process described audiences truly feeling like close friends of the media personae they engage with. The ability to watch vlogs and join people throughout their day in a way that situates us as a close friend tagging along adds to this feeling of “closeness” we feel to people in the media without having to leave our homes.