cheekinpermission

[prozach27]

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[neoculturetravesty]

We met in online class - Part 6

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, some fluff, lots of angst in this part Warnings: Strong language, descriptions of stress and anxiety, fist fight Word Count: 7.7k

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | You are on Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part

A/N: Buckle up for some angst.

They say when it rains, it pours and Renjun was about to learn the true meaning of this expression.

Throughout his college life, Renjun had heard his share of praise from his professors who would tell him that he was gifted in a way not many artists were. But now that the career drives and job fairs had begun, Renjun learnt that at best, he was average. In the real world, he wasn’t ‘golden hands’ or gifted or anything like it--he was just one in a line of millions. Because in the bigger picture, Renjun’s competition was not just people in his school; he was competing with even better artists from even better universities that had even better skills and even better means. His design professor had very plainly told the class one day that out of all of them, maybe one or two would ‘make it’ in the real world, if they got lucky. So Renjun knew that if had to shut up anyone who ever doubted him, compete with the best and place anywhere solid by the time he graduated, he needed to land a stellar internship.

Not that his current internship was going any better. Renjun learnt that even small studios were a handful and that an internship basically meant being an errand boy. When he had taken on the job, he had fantasized about meeting exciting artists and maybe even helping the chief curate his best work yet. But more often than not, he found that he was sweeping the place down, and if he got lucky, he got to make a few calls to potential clients (who would yell at him before hanging up). 

And of course, like any self-respecting college that thrived on the student body’s mental health deterioration, the professors weren’t going any easier on the projects, even with the impending exams. 

On top of everything that was happening, Renjun had developed a constant tension in his neck and shoulders. Jaemin reckoned it was because Renjun was hunched over his paintings all the time as he followed the perfect lighting all over the apartment. You, on the other hand, reckoned it was because of all the stress.

“You’re just carrying a lot of anxiety on these gangster shoulders, Huang Renjun.” you had said as you kneaded your knuckles into his hurt one day as you brought him food. Lately, you had taken it upon yourself to make sure that Renjun was eating and staying hydrated through these pressure cooker times. Because when he was left to his own devices, eating would be pretty low on his priority list, simply because he did not have the time for meals. So you’d bring him a snack any time you saw him on campus, and when you didn’t see him, you’d get something delivered to him and if you couldn’t, you’d text him a reminder to eat. But as one would have it during end-of-semester madness, Renjun had received your food more than your company. Because truth be told, you were just as occupied.

Renjun hadn’t seen enough of you in what he was sure was now going to be a good two weeks running because you had way too much on your plate as well. Like Renjun, you too were swarmed by assignments and exams. But other than that, any time he did see you, you were ‘interview dressed’ for all the on-campus drives that were happening in your department. Renjun had come to wish you good luck on one of them and had seen how distracted you looked because apparently, you had pulled some all-nighters to prepare for this. Donghyuck had been the one to tell Renjun about this little bit. 

Because when you weren’t studying or giving interviews or working on projects, you were preparing to throw an end-of-semester party with Donghyuck. He had to admit, there had been moments where Renjun had been irritated that Donghyuck would know more about what was happening in your life than did he. But then again, who was to blame for that?

Renjun knew it was no one’s fault but his own. Because that’s the dumb precedent he had set from the very beginning--that he wouldn’t get too close. He was paying that price for it because somewhere along the way, you had begun to confide in Donghyuck more than in Renjun, though this development was gradual and subconscious. He supposed that since you had met him, some part of you had learnt that she was walking into a wall anytime things got deep with Renjun. And there are only so many times that people were willing to walk into walls before they learnt their lesson.

Renjun knew that you were always ready to provide emotional support. But he also saw that when you were the one that needed it, you were subconsciously turning to Donghyuck rather than to him. 

And because you weren’t doing so consciously, Renjun couldn’t even be upset with you. Who was he to be upset with you over it in the first place? He had spent all those weeks skillfully blocking you. So, just because he had changed his mind now didn’t mean that he could earn your vents right away. It would take some effort on his part and he acknowledged that.

But it wasn’t you hanging out with Donghyuck that bothered him. It was someone else.

Wong Hendery, it appeared, was always around you these days and for some reason, that really bothered Renjun. You had a lot of friends. You were just the kind of person who made friends wherever you went. His own friends were an example. Lately, any time he ran into his roommates in the living room or kitchen (since all of them were buried in work otherwise), they would inquire about you instead of him. You just made a lot of friends and that was a fact of life that Renjun lived with. And whilst so far, Renjun had been okay with all of them, he had no idea why seeing Wong Hendery around you made him feel some type of way. 

And in the strangest turn of events, he had even found himself subtly voicing this to you a couple of times. It had bothered him even more that you had never taken him seriously any time he brought it up. You had either been distracted or disinterested whenever this came up. Or perhaps you had very tactfully been avoiding the subject. You weren’t exactly the scheming type, so Renjun was sure it wasn’t that. All he knew was that at the end of it, he would just end up feeling stupid, because, well… it was a stupid, baseless feeling to have, whatever this was.

All in all, Renjun couldn’t tell what matter it was from the pillage that kept his mood sour these days. His failure in the job fairs, his increasing workload, the impending exams, his lackluster internship, or something else. He recognized that a big part of it had to do with not seeing you enough. He wasn’t going to be the idiot that denied that anymore. Since the party at your parent’s house, he hadn’t had a moment with you where it was just the two of you and you could talk about… well, the two of you. Not seeing you enough was making him sour, he knew that. However, not seeing you enough combined with the fact that Wong Hendery was around you all the time was probably pretty up there as a reason for his bad moods. 

The only upside in the end-of-semester times was that the damn virus seemed to be under control. Students could now more freely move about and a lot more cafes and parks had reopened. So, at the very least, Renjun could get a change of scenery whilst he painted or studied because he was getting tired of his apartment and the library and the damn studio. 

Today, he had just grabbed his things and sent you a very persuasive text, because really, enough was enough. Yes, you were both very busy. Yes, you didn’t have any time today. But you could at least give him one study date out in the sun, and finally, for the first time in two weeks, he had felt that happiness in his chest when you told him you’d come.

The two of you sat by the river as Renjun sketched and made notes and you typed away on your laptop. Your hair was done up in a bun and you wore the campus hoodie and you didn’t even look up from your work when Renjun leaned over to feed you some rice. It had made Renjun smile. You looked like every boy’s fantasy of a college girlfriend but thinking about it also made his heart a tiny bit heavy. Because after all this time, the two of you still hadn’t had that conversation. Come to think of it, the two of you hadn’t even kissed ever since that afternoon in the strawberry fields. And maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t sat with you like this in a couple of weeks, or maybe it was seeing you share your time with other people. But Renjun felt that he had to address the some elephant in the room sooner rather than later. Because he didn’t want a some relationship any longer. He wanted more.

“No one’s going to be happier than me when this semester is over.” you mutter as you chew onto whatever Renjun had fed you.

“You and me both. Let’s celebrate our freedom together when it ends.” Renjun suggests as he sits up to stretch his neck. 

“Done deal.” You look up from your laptop to give him a fist bump.

“Hey, I was thinking…” Renjun hesitates. “Let’s go somewhere together. After the semester is over.” He feels butterflies in his stomach even as he asks you that. And he knows why. Because this is the first time he’s asking you for a real date, where he wants to take you out for your company, no opportunistic strings attached. But also, he wants to take you away from everyone else where he would have all of your attention and he could finally tell you how he really feels.

You smile as you shuffle your notes. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Anywhere. We could go to the beach and go mudflat fishing. If that’s not your thing, we could go camping instead.”

You finally look at him and smile an undistracted, attentive smile. “I’d like that.”

Renjun looks at you softly as he returns your smile. “My exams end before yours. Let’s go right after your last exam.”

“Oh, I can’t go then.” You say, shaking your head quickly.

“Why?”

“Haechan and I are hosting the end-of-semester, remember?” you remind him and Renjun holds himself back before he could exhale over ‘Haechan and I’.

“Okay, how about the day after?” Renjun asks.

“I can’t go then, either. Hendery and I have to go visit the tower.” you tell him.

This time, Renjun can’t hold back. Because ‘Hendery and I’ was way, way worse than ‘Haechan and I’. Before he could stop himself, he finds himself commenting

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Wong Hendery, huh?” he hadn’t meant for that hint of accusation to lace his tone, but it had come out that way.

“Ughhhh, tell me about it. He says he’d basically be happy never seeing me again once all of this is over.” you say as you steal his bowl of rice and begin stuffing your face. Renjun feels that irritation again because as always, you seem to be blowing this topic off. But for some reason, he doesn’t want to let it go today.

“I just don’t trust him.” Renjun says and he finds himself clenching his jaw a little.

You look at him from above the rice and smile amusedly. “Why though? He’s a cool dude.”

“I don’t know. There’s just something about him. I just… I don’t know, I guess it’s a guy’s instinct.” he says, and like anytime he has brought up this subject before, he’s feeling incredibly dumb.

You raise an eyebrow and look away from him. You don’t seem very impressed by the comment. “Nah, he’s super cool and all of that. You can meet him if you like.” you say in a tone that is way too nonchalant for Renjun’s liking. 

He had met him before, of course. But he didn’t know Wong Hendery even if he did know Wong Hendery. So how could he tell you that the man was bad news based on just a feeling? ‘He’s using you! Why don’t you see that he’s using you!’ Renjun wanted to yell at you. But he says something else. 

“Just, like… I don’t know. He just seems mysterious and unsharing.” Renjun tries to explain.

“So are you.”

There is a moment of silence as Renjun feels a sting and you look at him with no expression. 

You were right. 

Renjun hadn’t shared anything about himself with you. The things you knew about him was information you had probably collected through his friends. The only time he had really opened up to you was that one night in his room. Suddenly, more than irritation, he feels angry with himself. 

What a stupid, stupid, stupid idea it had been to set those dumbass rules with you. How had he expected it would pan out? How did he think he could use you as a means to an end, but not learn anything about you or give away anything about himself? He hadn’t thought this through at all. Then again, he hadn’t expected for it to go on this long; and he most certainly hadn’t expected that he would end up falling for you.

“I just… I don’t trust him around you.” Renjun admits and this time, he has the decency to sound a little ashamed.

“I know how to take care of myself, Renjun.” you tell him quietly.

Renjun looks away because for the first time since he’s known you, you’ve spoken to him that way. He wants to scream and pull his hair because no. You don’t. You don’t know how to take care of yourself. How could he tell you that you weren’t the best judge of character? How could he tell you that you allowed people around you to take advantage of you? 

‘It’s why you’re sitting here with me’ Renjun thinks with another sting. He knew Hendery was up to no good with you because he himself had been one of those people that used you for their own gain. He had used your kind heart and your willingness to see the good in people for his own stupid plan. The stupid, dumbass, flawed plan that he hadn’t thought through in the slightest. He had thought he had, because Renjun always assumed he was smarter than everyone in any room. That was probably his dumbest yet most defining trait; as kindheartedness was yours.

As if to add insult to injury, your phone rings and Wong Hendery’s name shines cockily onto your screen, mocking Renjun in all its glory.

“Hey, are you here?” you say as you pick up. You look around till you spot him and wave at him “Okay, coming!”

Renjun looks to where you had signaled and sees Hendery in his bigass car. He notices Renjun looking, waves at him and smiles. 

Renjun’s eyes close and he takes in a deep breath as you begin collecting your things. He doesn’t know why he’s being this way. He had been jealous before; he was an openly bitter person, that much he knew about himself. He despised every other asshole that did better than him. But this was a kind of jealousy he had never really experienced before. He wanted to protect you, but he also wanted to keep you… because now, he could feel you slipping away from him. 

“I’ll call you, okay? Make sure you eat dinner.” your voice sounds a little resigned and suddenly, Renjun feels his heart drop. It’s a strange feeling, but there it is in the pit of his stomach. Renjun realizes that the feeling really closely resembled fear. And it’s because you’re leaving like this. 

Had this been your first fight? Maybe it had. It hadn’t felt like a fight, because Renjun has fought with a lot of people before, and this was nothing like that. There was no screaming, no gaslighting, no accusations. But it was the tone you had taken with him. Like you were disappointed. Like you expected better. You had never taken that tone with him before. So as you stand up to walk away, Renjun grabs your hand. He looks up from where he sits.

“Hey…” his heart is sinking, he has this awful feeling in his chest and now he no longer knows what to say to keep you. So he brings your knuckles to his lips and presses into them for a few moments before he looks back at you. “Are we good?” He wants to kiss you, he wants to take you in his arms and kiss you and know that nothing has changed. But he knows that Wong Hendery is sitting right there and he doesn’t want you to think that he’s putting on a show of jealous, testosterone fueled possession. 

He watches as your face softens. You crouch so your face is levelled with his. You keep holding your bag that’s slung over your shoulder with one hand. With the other, you gently hold onto his cheek and lean in to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

“We’re good.” you say and you smile and then you lift back up to turn around.

Renjun watches unmoving as you walk away from him and drive off with Wong Hendery. He keeps watching till the car makes a turn and disappears from view.

Though you had told him that you were good, that sinking feeling hasn’t left his chest. Because Renjun realizes that what you had done had felt a lot like a goodbye kiss.

Renjun doesn’t get time to dwell on his aching heart too much, because soon after, exams begin. 

It is as if a lull had taken over the entire campus. Everyone around him had their heads down as they studied and slept and slept to study. Jeno and Jaemin had taken over the living room table as they crammed and kept each other awake through their all-nighters. Jisung would try to take some motivation from them but the boy had never been too fond of studying, so he’d end up asleep on the couch whilst Jeno and Jaemin took the floor. Even Donghyuck--who had insofar made it through college based on pure intelligence--could be seen bent over his notes in the library. For a week, each student on campus had a similar schedule; like someone had hit the pause button on everything else in life.

Perhaps it had been the exam stress. Perhaps it was everything that was happening culminating in Renjun’s mind, but that sinking feeling hadn’t completely dissipated from his chest. He had no way to explain what it was or why it was. But if Renjun had to describe it, it was as if a sixth sense was warning him. What the warning was about, he had no idea.

But as fate would have it, Renjun’s hardships were only beginning. Because right before his first exam, he had received a call from his mother. 

He had picked up because this had been maybe her third phone call to him this entire year. But two minutes into the call, Renjun wished he hadn’t. 

Questions were asked as if out of duty: if he was still in school, if he was still living with his friends, if he was looking for a job. And though Renjun hadn’t even asked for it--how she couldn’t send him money for the next couple of months because the Covid situation wasn’t doing any wonders for their restaurant. Although the conversation hadn’t even lasted a full 10 minutes, Renjun’s mind was fully fucked by the end of it. Why the fuck did she have to play with his head like this, just when he was about to go in for an exam? 

He shouldn’t have been surprised. His mother had a way of sensing any time her son was emotionally strained, because she would always show up right on time to add to his burden. This is how it had been most of his life. She would appear usually when Renjun was at his lowest and remind him that he was a useless fucker that nobody cared about. And because she was his mother, she knew exactly what buttons to press to positively fuck him over. 

Fuck this. None of it was fair. It wasn’t fair that she had called him after months and months. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t even want to know how he was doing. A global pandemic had turned the world upside down and she didn’t even want to know if her son was surviving through it. She just wanted to call to give him another reminder that she couldn’t take care of him. Fuck that. Fuck her. Fuck everything. Renjun didn’t need her or his father or anyone else ever again. Fuck all of it.

Renjun had hung up bitterly and that should’ve been the end of it. But for some reason, she had kept calling after that, which made Renjun throw his phone against a wall. Fuck that. She doesn’t get to call him to rub more salt to his wounds. He wasn’t going to give her that satisfaction.

It’s funny how when you’re truly feeling fucked, you tend to isolate yourself from the people who really care about you. And that’s what Renjun ended up doing following that phone call. Almost as if in self-sabotage, he started avoiding everyone and hid himself away. Because no way did anyone really need him, anyway. Renjun knew that even in his friend group, he was the one the others could do without.

Jeno and Jaemin had one another. They would babysit Jisung well enough, and when they didn’t, Jisung had Zhong Chenle. His housemates didn’t really need him, so hiding from them was easy. Lately, he had also stopped hanging out with Yangyang because he was afraid he’d run into Hendery. Lee Mark hadn’t really hung out with him ever since he joined the 127s. And Donghyuck… well, he had you. 

So even you could do without him. You had been doing just fine without him these past couple of weeks. You had still been bringing him snacks, even after that study date. But Renjun wondered if that was because of your bad, kind habit rather than anything else. Truth be told, Renjun didn’t want your snacks anymore. Because each time he got them, it reminded him that he was nothing special to you. He wasn’t any different to you than Jaemin or Jeno or Donghyuck. He was just another guy that you were kind to out of habit. Fuck that. He didn’t need your kindness, or anyone else’s. He was fine on his own.

But on the night after his last exam, he finally picked up the phone he had thrown and read his messages through his cracked phone screen. Just to see if someone missed him. As expected, no one did. But there were some messages from you.

‘Hey shoulder gangster, remember to put on pain patches before you sleep!’

‘I ordered some chicken for you guys, eat well and study well.’

‘Hey, I tried calling you. I had gotten you coffee, but I couldn’t find you so now hyuckie is drinking it.’

‘Ayo. I hope your exam went well. Sending some Chinese food over, so eat before you study!’

‘Hey, Jaemin told me your phone is busted. Idk if you’re gonna see this message, but just wanted to know you’re doing well.’

‘I tried to see you before you went in for your exam but Jeno said you had already left.’

‘Hey… I hope you’re not still upset with me. I’m gonna stop bothering you so we can both study, but I’ll come see you soon.’

‘Okay, I guess i’ll see you after exam week? Meet soon.’

That was the last of it. After that, you hadn’t sent him anything at all. Even you had stopped reaching out to him. 

It seemed that when it came down to it, no one would ever fight for Renjun. No one would want to find out why he was in hiding, or why he hadn’t replied. When worst came to worst, Renjun was always left to fend for himself. He was all alone in this world. 

Jeno and Jaemin would always know what the other was feeling without having to use the words. Neither of them had to explain to the other what was on their mind. They just… knew. When one was in trouble, the other would come running. When one was down, the other would pick him up. Neither had to ask; the other would just sense it and be there. Jisung and Chenle had a similar connection. 

But no one ever sensed Renjun’s heart. No one just knew when he was sad or upset or angry or in trouble. No one would pick him up because no one loved him enough to know his mind. No one had ever paid any real attention to him to know when he was struggling. No one had ever held his hand and taken him out of his despair. No one would even notice that he was in despair. Because he wasn’t anyone’s special anything. 

He had been hiding away for an entire week and no one had even noticed his absence. No one had called in to check on him. Because no one really needed him. Not his friends, not his family. Not even you.

They say when it rains, it pours, and Renjun was about to learn the true meaning of this phrase. Because just when he is about to put his phone away, he receives a text from his mother.

‘Renjun, I didn’t want to tell you this way. But you’re not picking up my calls. Come see me. Your father and I are getting a divorce.’

Renjun had never really been a big drinker. He’d drink some with the boys every now and then. But that was it. But tonight was an exception. Tonight, it was okay to turn to the drink. Tonight, he wanted to forget.

After the kind of day he had had, he thought that even his demons could give him a break. He felt drained. Like his mind was slowly giving up and his body was doing all the heavy lifting. Putting one foot in front of the other. Making him breathe in and out. Keeping his heart beating. It would be doing his mind a favor, drinking. His mind needed numbing, then maybe his body could follow.

He walks into the bar a broken man. And he wonders if that’s how all men are when they walk into bars. Maybe that’s why men who walk into bars make such good punchlines for jokes. He certainly felt like one. Because the people that should love him seemed to treat him like one. Who was he to think any better of himself?

He had made peace with the fact that his parents never wanted him. He had accepted that they were happy to get rid of him. Then why did he still expect their love every single time? What was it that made him go running to them any time they asked? Why had he expected that somehow visiting them would fix everything? 

Had he expected that they would sit him down and peacefully explain why they were parting ways? Of course, he hadn’t. Had he expected that his mother would cry and apologize for putting him through this? Of course, he hadn’t. Had he expected that his father would own up to his mistakes and call him his son? Of course, he hadn’t.

But he also hadn’t expected that neither of them would want anything to do with him after they parted ways. He hadn’t expected to be the collateral damage of a failed marriage that neither party was willing to own. He hadn’t expected to be summoned just so his parents could have a screaming match about whose son he’d be after they divorced. And that both would want to shift that burden to the other.

It suited them, Renjun thinks as he downs whatever the bartender had handed him. It would’ve been more unsettling to have made the trip to find something understanding and amiable. This was on-brand for them. This is how it had been since he was a child. They’d fight and Renjun would be collateral damage. This was the perfect ending to their twenty-one year old saga. Renjun had expected it.

So, why was he feeling like he had lost everything?

“Huang Renjun?” he hears a voice call out to him as if from miles away. Was he drowning? Then why did he feel like he couldn’t breathe? Why did the voices around him sound like they were coming from far away?

“Yoo Jimin.” Renjun finds himself automatically answering. He looks up and let’s his eyes focus and there he finds her. He smiles. Of course. Who else would’ve been the guest of honor in his pity party?

“What are you doing here?” she asks him and Renjun finds himself making a face.

“Drinking.” he says as he lifts up his shot glass.

“Did you follow me here?” she asks cryptically. Typical. Of course everything had to be about her.

“How would I know you’d be here?” Renjun says, looking away as he downs another shot.

“I told everyone at the party I was leaving to be here.” she says and her eyebrow is cocked as she comes closer.

“Party?” 

“Haechan’s party? All your friends were there. Weren’t you there?” she asks cautiously.

Ah, yes, the party. The end-of-semester party. Here he was, drinking his pain away. And his friends, the people who should be concerned about him were partying. It was all very fitting he supposed. This perfectly fit into everything in his life at this moment. Including the fact the Yoo Jimin had been the one to find him when he was at his lowest.

“I didn’t feel like a party.” Renjun replies.

Jimin scoffs. “Typical. Of course Huang Renjun thinks he’s above a party everyone would enjoy.”

Renjun doesn’t answer. It’s an annoying remark and part of him wonders why it is irking him so. His heart was burdened by bigger things. Perhaps his mind thought that being annoyed at Yoo Jimin was an easier emotion to address. This was an emotion he understood. It was an emotion he could process right away. So he turns to her and finds her sitting on the stool next to him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, because really. Why is she here, talking to him, sitting next to him?

“Oh, don’t worry, Renjun. I’m only waiting for someone.” she says, rolling her eyes and flipping her hair.

“You can wait for someone over there.” Renjun points to a place far away with his glass.

“Okay, you don’t have to be an asshole. I just came in to see why you were drinking alone while all your friends are at that party.” she says and now more than agitation, Renjun feels anger.

“Why do you care if I drink alone, anyway? You’re the one that broke up with me.” he spits out.

“Renjun, seriously, what is your problem? I’m only trying to be nice to you. You don’t have to come for me like that.” Jimin’s eyebrows are high on her forehead as she matches Renjun’s tone.

“Well, thanks a lot, Yoo Jimin. Thank you for your gift of empathy, but I don’t really need it. Not after everything you did to me.”

“Renjun! Seriously, what is it that I did to you? What did I do to you?” she raises her voice in agitation.

“Well, other than abandoning me? Pretending that you were happy with me then pulling the rug from under my feet and breaking up with me? Not even waiting a month before moving on?” Renjun spits venom right back. Who did she think she was, coming here and speaking to him like that?

“Jesus Christ, Renjun. Would you listen to yourself? Does it ever occur to you that you could’ve been the asshole in this relationship? That maybe I broke up with you because you were the jerk?” Jimin’s face is contoured as she yells at him. It’s good that the bar is relatively full, otherwise this could’ve been a scene.

“I was nothing but nice to you. I treated you so well and you treated me like dirt!” Renjun hisses.

“Renjun, that’s your problem! You only see the faults in others and never in yourself! But you’re not ready for that conversation, so let’s not have it!” she yells and turns away from him, crossing her arms over her chest.

“No, no, by all means, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about all the times I mistreated you, please.” Renjun mocks. He was already too used to being gaslighted by his parents. Jimin could join that club. This was already the worst day of his life. It couldn’t possibly get any worse.

“Renjun, this! This right here. You never respected me. You never treated me like an equal. With you, I always felt like some stupid, airheaded trophy. I always felt like everything I wanted was superficial and shallow and not worth anything!”

“And whose fault is that.” Renjun laughs darkly.

“Renjun, you can’t even see what you’re doing! You just think you’re so much better than everyone else! You think everyone around you is a degenerate and that you’re the smartest person to ever walk this earth. I can’t believe I let you treat me that way for so long.” Jimin’s hands go from balling into fists to animatedly helping her point. “Renjun, I wanted to be a model for the longest time. But I didn’t, because of you! Because every time I’d post a picture on my Instagram, you’d tell me it was because I love getting validation from strangers. Every time an agent reached out to me, you’d tell me how showing off my looks wasn’t going to be a long lasting career. You just never respected me or my aspirations. Because all of them were so beneath Mr. Intellectual.”

Renjun turns away. He pours himself another shot and downs it. He didn’t want a lecture. Who was she to show up like this and give him a lecture unprovoked? 

“If it weren’t for Jongin, I would’ve believed everything you ever said to me. That people would only like me for my looks. That what I wanted to do was superficial and shallow and that I would never amount to anything if I followed my heart.” she goes on and Renjun has had enough.

“Save it, Jimin. We’re broken up now, so what does it matter?” he doesn’t look at her. She could yell at him all she wanted. He wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

“I only came to you because I saw you drinking alone. And I know that’s not like you. I just wanted to see if you’re okay.” her voice has lowered significantly, but the agitation hasn’t left her tone. Renjun wonders if she has more to say, because he certainly doesn’t want to listen to any more.

“Well, that’s very kind of you, but I’m fine on my own.” he says coldly, still not looking at her.

Jimin sighs. “Renjun, when will you realize that the whole world isn’t out to get you? I know your family isn’t perfect. But you’ve got friends that care about you. You’ve got people around you that love you. If only you could stop being an asshole to them for one hot minute and see that.”

Renjun still doesn’t turn. Because she doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t know his life. She doesn’t know how alone he feels. She doesn’t know jackshit about what he goes through, what he has been going through. Who is she to comment on his life and stand there like that and lecture him? She didn’t know anything. Fuck her for making him feel like he was the asshole. The world was taking a giant dump on him, and she was making him feel like he was the asshole. Fuck that.

She grabs her purse and gets off the stool. “I’ve got to go now. I just hope you feel better. Whatever it is that you’re going through. Please don’t go through it alone, Renjun.” she says before she walks away.

Renjun feels a lump in his throat. How could he not go through it alone? Who was going to be by his side? No one. So what use were his tears? He wouldn’t let them fall. He swallows that lump away, and when it doesn’t work, he takes another shot. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He could just go home and sleep. Maybe that would work. The alcohol wasn’t numbing anything. It was just making him more bitter, but for more reasons than what he had come in with.

So he finds himself walking home. Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out. Keeping his heart beating.

He felt so alone. Was he the loneliest man in the world? He could bet money that he was. No one knew what he was going through. And that’s what made him feel most abandoned. But then again. Fuck that. He didn’t need anyone. What good were friends anyway? Friendships really meant nothing. Renjun finally realized that what he had were not friends, but connections. Because at the end of the day, that’s what this goddamn college life was all about. Making as many connections as you possibly could, so you could reap advantages from them later on life. All of his relationships were opportunistic. And realizing this was giving him the worst headache of his life. Like all the alcohol was thrumming in his head and blinding him.

He arrives at his doorstep, punches in his code, walks in and freezes at what he sees. 

Jeno, Jaemin, Jisung, Donghyuck, Zhong Chenle and you were all in the living room, drinking and eating and laughing. None of them had even noticed that Renjun had walked in. Because they were all too busy bellowing together. 

Suddenly, Renjun feels his blood boiling hot in his veins. How dare they. How dare they look like one big happy fucking family right in front of him. Renjun pushes back all emotions he’d been feeling and holds onto one: red hot burning anger. He heads in.

“Hey, hey! Look who’s finally back!” Donghyuck says mid-laughter as he finally notices him. “Come join us because Mark is passed out on your bed, by the way.” he laughs but his smile slowly fades as he watches Renjun’s expression. 

“You okay, man?” Jeno asks slowly.

The others slowly start reading his energy as well because his demeanor has gotten everyone’s attention. Renjun wants to pick a fight. He wants to fight with all of them for not being there for him. But he looks around for an easy target. Someone he can direct all his ruthless anger towards. And his eyes zero in on you.

“What are you doing here?” Renjun asks you urgently. Like you’ve done something wrong. 

“I just got you some food. We all thought we’d eat with you since you didn’t come to the party.” you say and you get up smiling and take Renjun’s wrist “Come, sit.”

But Renjun roughly snatches his hand away from your grip, making you look up suddenly. Your eyes are round, but you don’t look angry. You perhaps look shocked, but mostly concerned. And that makes Renjun want to hurt you more.

“You can’t just show up here unannounced. I didn’t invite you here.” Renjun spits at you.

“Hey man, easy. We invited her.” Donghyuck gets up and puts himself between the two of you. 

“Well, this is not your house, either! You can’t just invite her without asking me.” Renjun scowls at the boy.

“Renjun, I just got you some food. I just wanted to make sure you had eaten.” you say gently, stepping up from behind Donghyuck to speak to him.

“Y/N, you are not my girlfriend. So stop acting like it.” Renjun snaps and he finally watches the hurt he wanted to see on your face. He also sees Jisung’s scared expression and Jaemin’s disappointed one.

“I…” you begin “... I know… I just… I came here with the guys… I…” you begin, but Renjun yells again.

“You need to leave. You can’t just show up whenever you want.” Renjun continues and takes a step forward but Donghyuck holds a protective arm in front of you. Whoop-dee fucking doo. Now his friends thought he was some sort of a savage. 

“No, Y/N, you shouldn’t leave.” He says then turns to his friend. “Dude, what is your problem?” But Renjun keeps attacking you.

“These people are not your friends, okay? They are my friends. You’re crossing a line and you need to leave right now.” Renjun loves the reactions he’s getting. He loves that he has provoked every single person in the room. Because Jaemin has gotten up and taken your hand protectively whilst Jeno has joined Donghyuck in blocking you from his view.

“Hey, man. Easy.” Jeno warns. Jisung and Chenle watch this strange confrontation with worried looks on their faces, eyes darting between him and the others. Renjun can’t believe it. All his friends were protecting you. All of them. He was the fucking monster in this room, too. 

“Renjun, I just… I just came here to see you.” you say, but there’s no accusation in your tone. Just annoying, tiresome understanding. He fucking hates it and all his friends can see that he does.

After everything he had been through, after all his life was putting him through, he was the asshole, he was the monster once again. 

Well, then. If everyone thought him a monster, he should become it completely.

“Y/N.” Renjun laughs as he looks away. Then he looks at you with that sinister smile still on his face. “Y/N, the only reason I’ve kept you around for so long is because I wanted to get to your brother. So you can leave now.”

That did it. 

Because Donghyuck’s eyes have closed as he stands in front of you and Jeno’s eyes have widened. Jaemin just looks shocked as he holds onto your hand. As do Jisung and Chenle. But you.

Your face has hardened. He doesn’t see shock or disappointment or the kind of reaction that would’ve given him full satisfaction. He sees your stone face as you finally say something with a hint of venom in your tone.

“Well, in that case, Renjun, you’ve been wasting your time. Because I got you a slot with my brother right after our first date.”

Renjun stands speechless. 

He would’ve remained speechless if you hadn’t pushed past Jeno and him and headed straight for the door.

“Y/N!” Donghyuck calls out and goes after you. Renjun watches the others. Jaemin and Jisung have looked away and he sees nothing but pure disappointment on their faces. Jeno, on the other hand, is looking straight at him. Renjun looks back. Good. He wants everyone to hate him. This was exactly right. 

He hears Donghyuck barge back into the apartment as the door bangs shut behind him. 

“Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?!” He yells and Renjun finds himself shoving the boy, pushing him so he wasn’t in his space.

“What’s wrong with me? Please, Donghyuck. Don’t even pretend like you haven’t been using her the same way I’ve been. You’re not any better.” Renjun punctuates the last bit with another shove and Donghyuck grabs at his collar and roughly pulls him by it. Before it can escalate, Jeno and Jaemin rush forward to break the two of them apart. Jeno grabs onto Renjun, Jaemin onto Donghyuck, prying him off and creating some distance between the two. Jisung and Chenle look from the couch, mouths hanging open, visibly distressed.

“You didn’t have to do that, man. You didn’t have to be an asshole to her.” Donghyuck accuses as he tries to free himself from Jaemin’s grip and come face to face with Renjun again.

Renjun laughs bitterly. “Well, now that I have been, you can have her. Live your happy fucking life.” Renjun spits at him and he gets the reaction he was looking for because it makes Donghyuck lunge at him once again, making Jaemin tighten his grip and pull him back.

“What is wrong with you? You fucking asshole! Why do you think everyone’s out to get you? Stop acting like a little bitch and start acting like a man for once!” Donghyuck shouts and that does it. 

Renjun feels his headache blinding him. And yet, he doesn’t know how he frees himself from Jeno’s grip. But before he knows it, he has balled his hand into a fist and aimed it straight for Donghyuck’s face.

Copyright © 2021 NeoCultureTravesty. All rights reserved.

[kojinnie]

AOT Characters’ Modern Jobs Headcanon; The Vets Edition!

The jobs that The Vets would have in modern!au, their workplace antics and their back story. There might be some inaccuracies when describing the job as obviously I don’t work at these industries to know its intricacies. Most of the jobs are office jobs. Enjoyyyy!

My Masterlist .::. Pt. II: Zeke Yeager’s Modern Jobs Headcanon   

Most recent work: Dream Me Home (Before Shiganshina) | reader x erwin smith

A/N: I really need to finish a presentation deck due tonight for an early morning meeting tomorrow but of course, this comes first hahaha 

erwin!

A/N: Basically lawyer!erwin is the way to go, innit?

He's in his 40s, so he may have a settled career

He came from a white-collar, middle-class family. So he wasn’t silverspoon-fed, but his parents had enough money to put him through good school

Got a scholarship to go to one of the nation’s finest law schools

Kept it lowkey in college’s social circle, graduated with summa cum laude, developed a strong academic relation with his professor, and got recommended for an internship at top law firm at the capital city

Starting his career as a corporate lawyer, but then built his expertise as white-collar crime attorney

In his early 30s, he represented a union suing against conglomerate corporation in a big case that had national coverage, from then on he began to know his calling

Expanding his portfolio and became well-known for defending workers, consumers and civilians against corporate fraud scheme

Currently doing a lot of pro-bono cases for deprived victims of big corporate fraud. You would see him frequently gracing your local newspaper we love us some socialist king

On the side, he often writes for law journal and fills in as guest professor at local universities for summer courses

Established his own law firm with some of his partners, specializing in white collar crime and labor & employment law

He’s damn accomplished, but never really had any time for self-indulgence. Even after he becomes a household name in the country, with tens of attorneys working under him, his employees would still see him working on New Year’s Eve

He was always attentive to his employees, though. Although he has a very strict, borderline no-life work ethics, he never forces his employees to follow his habit, in fact he despises when his employees works on holidays and can be seen blaming himself for it a bit of a hypocrite but thats ok

He still takes metro to work. He prefers a very lowkey, ordinary lifestyle because he fears if he shows any knack for indulgence, he will be susceptible to gratification from potential enemies or crooked politicians

Definitely a sight to see at the workplace, for he's tall and always oozes a sense of authority in the way he speaks and carries himself generally

His emotional intelligence is top-notch, you would never meet someone who is able to be very objective and calculating, while being kind and compassionate at the same time

His fellow attorneys put a lot for respect for him, and hundreds of applicants come to his considerably small firm every week, because a lot of aspiring attorney find him inspiring to work with

He wasn’t oblivious to his shiny reputation, but he’s trying his hardest to not let the compliments get to his head. Sometimes he doesn’t give himself enough credit for it

Was approached by one of the political party’s committee to run for local senate, but turned it down

basically he’s perfect if you like a man who’s never home for christmas

Hange!

A/N: Ok ok, I really wanna see Paleontologist!Hange because it has always been my fave dream job, but I want Hange to be out and about with people so here it is

Hange is the type to be incredibly good at one thing, that she will dedicate her whole life for that pursuit, but will be awfully oblivious to a whole lot of things (not intentional of course, they just have a very limited attention span) (they wouldn’t know who kanye west is or what tiktok is)

Like Erwin, they came from a middle-class family. While Erwin’s parents might have been teachers, accountants or other common profession, Hange came from a family of academician and researchers

Hange studied Human Geography at uni, but later found passion specifically in its relation to industrialization and urban development

Hange aims to advocate for a better living condition for workforce, and nearby inhabitants of industrialized city detroit would be a beautiful city if only they let hange designed it

Hange is a professor at university, where they also led a non-profit research think-thank that also serves as pressure group for better government policy.

The university that Hange teaches in, is also the uni where Erwin teaches in summer. They’re close-knitted colleagues as they share similar passion. Erwin relies on Hange a lot for some intellectual insights to help his cases  

Hange is relentless in their cause, you may find Hange everywhere! From street protest to a hearing in the government court. They are passionate and will do anything for the cause they believe in

Hange was once hired by the government as an independent consultant for a new housing project, but left because they grew to be frustrated by the government’s bureaucracy and their outward reluctance to follow Hange's recommendation

Hange spends a lot of time overseas, consulting and advocating development in newly industrialized countries

On Hange’s birthday, her fellow researchers surprised them with a ‘pampering day’ where they took them to an optometrist because Hange had been complaining about their eyesight for a YEAR that gave them a lot of migraines, but was always either too busy or too lazy to go

Hange never really considers themselves as working, because they enjoy their job very much. Hange likes to spend months observing a community, talking to people for hours, and trying their best in understanding their problem

Out of so many great qualities that Hange has as a researcher that meets different set of people everyday, prejudice or preconceived judgment is completely absent in Hange’s demeanor and perspective

Hange doesn’t get a lot of free-time, even if they do, they’d wander around the city to do a little observation. But when the weather’s bad and they’re stuck at home with their pet lizard, they would logged into Quora to answer random internet questions

They’re an avid writer for National Geographic, and one time Hange won a pitch to make a documentary about an industrial city project they were working on

After the docu-series got broadcasted, Hange gained a small but passionate and loyal fans on the internet. You could even find a subreddit dedicated for Hange’s works

for real I want to be Hange. I want to have that kind of passion in life

levi!

A/N: I spent a lot of times thinking about Levi’s job in modern!au. Because here’s the thing, either we adopt his unfortunate childhood into its modern!au equivalent, or let’s just recreate his whole upbringing. But I think his personality stems from a specific things he experienced during childhood, so let’s not dismiss that.

Levi came from a struggling working class family. I reckon his parents might have had worked multiple jobs to sustain their living expense. Unfortunately they both passed away when Levi was very little, and left little to no inheritance

Levi’s parents were not close to their extended family, so when they died, Levi was admitted to the system and had to brace several foster families who didn’t really pay attention to him

Little Levi had come to realize that life’s all about survival and so he had been able to fend on for himself since very young age, he never asked for things

His uncle, Kenny, finally won custody over Levi when he was in elementary. Kenny made money from small-scale racketeering here and there. Levi never asked what he did for living, as long as he got food to eat and tuition paid off

Kenny was emotionally absent, but he loved spending time with the oddly quiet little child, teaching him a lot of crafts, from carpentering to how to flay pig’s skin

Levi didn’t really care about getting into college, and thought that he’d probably end up working for his uncle, so he put his bare minimum throughout school, although he was really good with numbers, especially in math, accounting and finance

One time in high school, Levi’s teacher asked him to sign up for the olympiad team, Levi turned it down because he thought that was a rich kid thing

He didn’t even apply for college, and worked odd jobs after high school. Probably working as cashiers or assistant to retail shop’s owner for couple of years, enough for him to afford a cheap studio apartment on his own

One of his bosses came to acknowledge Levi’s talent, and trusted him to handle the company’s accounting

By sheer luck, the company hit it big, and Levi found himself running the day-to-day accounting of mid-sized business with over 300 employees

He made good money already without a college degree, but with a new-found confidence Levi applied for uni, where he chose to study accounting (of course)

Although he was confident with his skills, he understood he needed to widen his horizon and network -- thus uni

Levi was one of the oldest members of his cohort in uni, but graduated with highest distinction

After graduating, with his skills and experience, it wasn’t hard for Levi to score a job at top accounting firm

There, he discovered an interest for forensic accounting, where through audits, analysis and investigation, he basically finds out if a company is doing fraud and embezzlement or not

This is where he came to know and get acquainted with Erwin and Hange (yippie they’re together again)

The firm he works for was assigned to investigate the finances of a troublesome company that had been sued by its workers for a jeopardizing working condition. Erwin was on the case, and Levi helped him with evidences for legal proceeding.

By chance, Erwin introduced Levi to Hange. At first, Levi would find Hange annoying and overtly energized, but after learning the things they have done, Levi grew to appreciate Hange’s passion (and secretly wants to have more of his positive outlook)

Levi is fucking good his job. In short amount of time, he could get a really ideal position in the office. He was almost foolproof, finding even the tiniest bit of discrepancy in his audit. He’d get assigned to the big league case/project.

Although really good at his job, he’s not a social person, especially in his office. He couldn’t understand the lavish lifestyle that finance and banking people often lead. He will only show up to office party if it is really necessary for him to show up (usually to receive some kind of informal awards for, again, being so fucking good) 

He leads a no-bullshit attitude at the office, largely because of his background. He is a self-made man, and is not easy to impress by some young executives from posh school that talk bigger than they can chew

His cold, seemingly dismissive attitude gained him a reputation of being scary, when actually he is very considerate

One of the things he enjoys doing is to actually teach, he really likes when a new kid at the office come to him with none of that pretentious, big talk, and really asks for his guidance. He would love to teach you a thing or two

He would frequently check on his mentee, just to keep up with their development

And he doesn’t take credit too. When his mentee makes a milestone, he believes it’s 100% your work

If you’re his mentee, he probably doesn’t give a crap about your personal life, so don’t expect him to make small talk about that (and don’t ask him about his personal life either). But he really cares about your skill and career development

Same with Erwin, he leads a very ordinary lifestyle. He doesn’t go out often and would rather reading detective novel with his cat on the couch

He likes to spend Sunday at Uncle Kenny’s house, because he finds himself worried about the old man very often. They became close as Levi grew

Overall, Levi is a really kind and caring person if you know how not to push his button

[seventhrounder]

I went thru my folder with old hockey magazines I had saved from around 2011 to 2015 and came across this one and thought it could be a fun to make a post about now in hindsight.

This is Jääkiekko magazine from May 2012, they always have a section of "99 questions with ..." and in this issue they interviewed Teräväinen.

I’ve translated the questions I found interesting under the cut! It ended up being about half of the interview. (*) are my additions.

On the cover "seuraava superjokeri" means the next super joker, he played for Helsingin Jokerit so it's a word play from that. Under, on the blue print it says: "The 17-year-old forward will become a first round draft pick in the summer. The natural goal scorer can dominate in SM-Liiga as soon as next season."

In the 2nd photo the headline and lead paragraph goes:

"A post with dents* - A year ago Teuvo Teräväinen was known only within a small number of hockey insiders. Few passers-by recognize him now either but after a flashy rookie season the Jokerit sensation is on the radar of every NHL team and is a strong contender to become a first round draft pick. Next season with Jokerit the talented second line center will be one of the main talking points in the SM-Liiga."

(*references the net Teräväinen had in his backyard and into which he practiced his shooting)

3. You've been described as a magician, top scorer, wunderkind and a prodigy. What do you think of these descriptions?

TT: Heh, those are some descriptions yeah. What can I really say? Don't really wanna comment on them much.

4. How nervous are you about the Draft?

TT: I try not to be nervous as best as I can. In a way I don't have anything to be nervous about since I don't care which team picks me or at what number I go.

6. Which is stressing you more, English interviews or physical tests?

TT: Maybe both. Bench press (laughs) and English interviews can be tough.

12. How far along have you planned your career with, for example, your parents or your agent?

TT: Haven't really planned things with others but I've thought about them myself. I try to go step by step and not jump too far ahead.

14. How does it feel to be so young with all the star players in Jokerit?

TT: How to say it? I haven't felt like I was young but a part of the team instead. The team's been very good with me and they haven't been looking down at me like: "oh he's young". It's been fun to play in an experienced team.

15. Is there a generational gap between players?

TT: You can see the age difference, older players look older but we're all childish, at least with our topics.

17. What does a 17-year-old do in the sauna nights of the team?

TT: I actually haven't been in any yet. I've always been at national team's camps or something.

19. Did you get the number you wanted?

TT: I did, yeah. I could've taken #18 but Semir (Ben-Amor) has it. But i'm happy with #86, it's good.

23. What are your strengths as a player?

TT: Offensive play and with that playing with the puck, passing, IQ, power play and skill, just the usual skill - skill with hands.

24. And weaknesses?

TT: They are to do with defensive play, strength and physicality. Battles and such but I think I took a step forward last season. That's a good thing.

25. Have you ever been "pressed into a mold" or has your playing style gotten to develop naturally?

TT: As a kid the play was mostly offensive/attacking, I didn't have to think about playing defence. Up until 15 years old, I got to attack pretty freely. Playing defence became more important when I started to play in A-juniors a couple seasons ago.

26. On a scale from 1 to 10 how determined are you?

TT: Maybe 8, feels like an 8.

32. What kind of role are you planning to take with Jokerit next season?

TT: I think a pretty big one. I try to be a top player and not just take others' example but give others example myself too. So that someone in the team can take something out of the way I do things on the ice and off the ice.

35. If you could pick anyone, who would be your car driver?

TT: Nico Manelius for sure. He's been my driver this season. I've had others too, like Riku Hahl but he's not nearly at the same level. Nico’s clearly the best.

36. What are the most important qualifications to be a good driver?

TT: The car is obviously important. Hahl's car is totally awful, he takes a lot of heat for it from the guys too. I wouldn't dare driving with him. Manelius is a steady performer, never lets you down.

38. What sports did you play as a 10-year-old?

TT: Hockey and floorball, probably football (soccer) during the summers at the time too.

42. When did you decide to focus only on hockey?

TT: So when I stopped playing other sports? Three years ago, before that floorball was kind of a side thing, I played a couple of games in the regular season and playoffs.

45. Do you follow floorball or other sports? Go to games?

TT: I don't go to games but I like to watch floorball on TV, it's an interesting sport. Sometimes I watch football too but I don't follow it much. Feels like they never score there.

47. Have you ever played with a wooden stick?

TT: As a kid I did play with a wooden stick.

49. You won the hockey players' golf tournament last summer even though there were more experienced players too. Are you good with all stick games?

TT: Well, I've been pretty good in all of them. I've played golf for a long time and still play it.

50. How is your swing?

TT: Pretty bold, kind of a hockey swing. I don't really care where the ball goes - as long as it goes far.

52. What do you think of off-ice training?

TT: Let's just say it's more stupid than being on the ice but you still gotta do it to be better on the ice.

56. Which word describes your professional relationship (with his coach, Tomek Valtonen), tranquil or colorful?

TT: Colorful of course. At times we're joking around, other times it's more serious but the relationship is really good.

57. Coaching you has been described in many words: good, bad, worse. What are they?

TT: Heh, well... I won't tell them here. He (Tomek) keeps the discipline during practices but sometimes when things haven't gone to a plan I've had to jump on an exercise bike in the middle of a practice.

58. What have been the reasons?

TT: I'll quote Tomek: "when I haven't been present".

59. Have you ever tried to turn the resistance of the bike to zero?

TT: (Laughs) Of course I have and sometimes I've even succeeded.

60. Describe your diet in three words?

TT: Greasy, healthy and good!

64. Your first name is not common for people your age. How did your parents come up with it?

TT: I actually don't even know. Maybe they didn't want a usual Ville*....

(*very common name for men of all ages in Finland)

66. Which of these is the most important: skill, unexpectedness or courage?

TT: Skill!

68. Your longest video game stint?

TT: Six hours, at least. I've played a lot of War of Duty lately.

72. The dumbest thing that has made you upset in hockey?

TT: Probably if I didn't get an assist on a goal even though I should have. Or even worse is if I score and they mark it down for someone else.

79. Have you had any concussions?

TT: I haven't had any, I've managed to always dodge them.*

(*ouch, tho it's good the recent one is his only as far as i remember)

84. In 2011 Team Finland finished in the 5th place at the U-18 tournament. Why only as 5th?

TT: Because we lost to Team Russia in the quarter final, just as well we could have won that game too.

89. You didn't get to be on the ice to accept the SM-Liiga bronze medal (because of the U-18's). When and where did you get it?

TT: I actually still haven't received it, I don't know where it is.

93. What is the population of Helsinki?

TT: There's like 5 million people in Finland so maybe around 500k in Helsinki? (to be exact 596k) Did i really get it right...?

94. Who's the mayor of Helsinki?

TT: I don't know, I barely know the president.

95. Do you think the municipalities in the capital city area should merge?

TT: Luckily I don't have to decide but they probably shouldn't.

96. What do you check first in the news paper?

TT: The sports section.

97. Your favorite tv show?

TT: Putous* was pretty good, I liked a lot of the characters. The grandma was pretty good.

(*Finnish live improvisation comedy/sketch show (there are still new seasons, the latest just finished). Every actor comes up with a humor character with a catchy phrase and one of them wins. "The grandma" is Marja Tyrni and I just got such flashbacks from typing this sentence.)

98. Last book you read?

TT: I don't read many books. The last book was a study book, a Finnish book. I wrote an essay on Tiki (Esa) Tikkanen's biography. An eventful book, great career and a lot of chirps.

99. Who should we ask the 99 questions next?

TT: Riku Hahl could have good stories, he's also seen a lot of the world.

[welcome-to-afterlife]

Wannabe Challenge Kpop AU Headcanons

I know that no one requested this, but I had this idea stuck in my head for a while now. It took quite some time to get down, but I'm finally done!

Role: Leader, Main Vocalist, Center

Taehee was the first member of the group to be recruited by ST Entertainment. He had a charismatic yet soft aura that drew all the girls on audition day. Immediately, the entertainment company knew that Taehee would become part of their label.

However, it took him a good 5 years before the company decided that he was ready for debut. It was within this time that he learned how to avoid the entertainment industry's sleazy business practices, develop a strong image, and maintain constant motivation for debut. You could say he subconsciously preparing to he a leader by trying to himself afloat for 5 years.

Once he finally got to debut, Taehee was chosen to be the leader of the group. Although Hansol seemed like the more obvious choice, Hansol thought that Taehee would be a better fit since Taehee already knew a lot about the entertainment industry due to his experience. Besides, he was the only one who was mature and emotionally-equipped to lead a group.

As for Taehee's abilities, his strongest suit is his singing. While he wasn't the strongest singer at the start of his training, he ended up become one of the best vocalists in the company. His voice has a unique color that radiates smoothness with a hint of attitude. He's able to hit high notes, but he's a lot better at belting -- especially when he's feeling emotional.

Perhaps this is the reason that Taehee excels in elegant concepts. His graceful movements along with his princely facial expressions make him the star on the stage. Think of songs such as "I'm in Trouble" by NU'EST, "Blue Flame" by ASTRO, and "Not By the Moon" by GOT7. It's like he belongs on an icy throne in a golden palace.

Surprise, surprise: he gets the most lines in their songs. Usually it's not by a lot, but sometimes ST gives some of Biho's lines to Taehee (much to the everyone's dismay). He's never comfortable singing those lines and tries to negotiate to give Biho more lines, but it doesn't always work. He gets quite the backlash for it, but unfortunately it's out of his control.

When interacting with fans, Taehee is usually very warm and kind. He's constantly asking about everyone's health and well-being, nagging fans to keep themselves at top priority. He doesn't want fans to ruin their lives because of their love for him and his group. He's also very earnest and mature, almost like a guardian angel to his fans. Wherever they go, his heart is always with them.

In the group, he's basically the dad. He's always looking out for the other members (yes, even Yooha). Just like his fans, his members' well-being is top priority. In lives, you'll probably see him in the background cooking food, cleaning dorms, and or scolding the other members for doing dumb things (that last reason is why he's also very likely to appear in crack videos).

However, he appears most often in "sassy moment compilations" because of his reactions. Taehee has even gone viral because he just straight up rolled his eyes at a variety show when they asked him uncomfortable questions and threw not-so-subtle shade. From then on, he's been dubbed as the "sassy king".

For side projects, his main path is acting. Taehee is a really good actor who played the main male lead in a critically acclaimed K-Drama. He played the sly but sweet love interest in a historical drama. The audience are always amazed at his ability to adapt to the time period so accurately.... it's almost as if he's lived there himself?

Role: Main Rapper, Lead Dancer, Vocalist

Originally, Yooha has started off as a model. However, staff from ST Entertainment saw Yooha and thought that his visuals would be perfect for the kpop business. They offered their business card to him and he decided to try out for fun. Fortunately, he nailed his audition and was admitted as a trainee immediately.

Yooha was the last person to join the company and had the shortest training time (1 year). His sudden arrival and decision to debut with the group created a rift between him and the other members. Taehee thought it was unfair that Yooha could debut with minimal training while Hansol was worried that Yooha's addition would affect the group's dynamic (in areas like line distribution, dance formation, etc).

However, he and the other members were forced to resolve their issues when he became Taehee's roommate at their dorm. Since it was Taehee's job to lead the group (including Yooha), the two had no choice but to bond.

Now before y'all yell at me that Yooha isn't main rapper material, just know that I had to give the position to someone. Secondly, Yooha has an alluring and deep voice voice that was perfect for rap. Also, he is really good at rapping in various beats and experiments with different flows. While he can do fast raps, he prefers to make ones that have a distinct rhythm and leave a lasting impact on the audience.

However, Yooha hadn't planned to debut as the group's rapper. His original role being the main dancer, but he jokingly rapped in an pre-debut interview and everyone fell in love with his voice. From that, ST Entertainment thought it would be best to make Yooha the rapper instead.

In fan interactions, Yooha is very slick and flirty. Whether it's in fanmeet, lives, or concerts, Yooha knows exactly how to steal the hearts of his fans. Just one wink is enough to make the entire stadium swoon over him.

However, he's also the crackhead of the group. If you search for the group's "crackhead moment compilations", 80% of the video will involve Yooha somehow. In fact, it's these moments that really boost his popularity within the group and skyrocket him to the 2nd most popular member in the group.

Sometimes, he manages to pull one over Taehee and becomes the most popular member. How does this happen? Well, whenever the group has a "bad boy"/sexy concept comeback, Yooha absolutely dominates the stage. Think of songs such as "Want" by Taemin, "7th Sense" by NCT U, and "Love Killa" by Monsta X. The sexy concept was made for him, so it's no surprise when everyone in the comments section thirsts over him. It's just enough to put him over the edge against Taehee in fan voting.

He also has the most risque outfits. Yooha has an amazing body and he knows it, so why keep it hidden? His wardrobe is filled with experimental pieces that show of his abs, forearms, and everything in between. It's the reason why he's voted "Best Dressed" on every voting app.

Yooha is also a smooth dancer. His fluidity and confidence amplifies his sex appeal on stage, which often causes fans to confuse him as the group's main dancer. He's also has killer facial expressions that maintain his striking stage presence, making it impossible to keep your eyes off of him.

When Yooha isn't rocking the stage, you'll probably see him on magazines and commercial shoots. Photographers just can't get enough of his visuals, so they constantly bring him back for more modeling. He'll even dabble his feet in web dramas, but it doesn't last for long due to the scheduling conflicts between the web dramas and his music career.

Position: Main Dancer, Main Vocalist, Producer, Face of the Group

Hansol started his music journey long before ST Entertainment. He had been creating music as early as elementary school (mainly him bashing wooden sticks on the table and strumming rubber bands). However, he really got to develop his passion on high school-- where he dedicated his time towards music production and music theory.

Thus, Hansol had his own YouTube channel where he created covers of different artists and snippets of songs that he created on his own. From that, he amassed a small following of 25K subscribers. This audience attracted ST Entertainment, who took a liking to his videos and asked him whether he wanted to be a trainee. Hansol gladly took the offer.

Hansol was the 2nd member to join ST and trained for 3 years. Although the company had given him the opportunity to debut immediately, Hansol wanted to wait until he reached his full potential.

While Hansol originally was the leader of the group (since he already had a fairly stable music presence), he had to product all their music. This ate up leadership time, which Hansol was having difficulty in managing. Besides, he thought that Taehee was more mature than him and thought Taehee would do a better job as a leader. Hansol ended up handing the leader role to Taehee before debut.

Hansol's production has been praised by critics, fans, and other producers. His vision for the song helps the group distinguish themselves from the other acts in the entertainment industry and create their own identities as a group. Sometimes he writes songs with Biho (or by himself) to better convey his emotions onto their group's album.

Hansol is the group's ace: he can sing, dance, and even rap. He's equally talented at singing and dancing, so he decided to take main positions for both skills. In his singing, Hansol has a high-pitched voice that makes it easy for him to hit high notes and belt to his heart's content. In fact, many of his lines in the songs are his adlibs (which give the song that extra spice).

Hansol's dancing style is sharp and energetic. There's a lot of power in his movements with playful facial expressions (in contrast to Yooha's powerful, sexy style). This allows him to steal the spotlight when the group has a playful and upbeat comback (think "Energetic" by Wanna One, "Sha La La" by Pentagon, and "BBUSYEO" by ONEUS). His bright grin is enough to light up the entire stadium while keeping fans engaged throughout the performance.

The group's debut turned out pretty successful thanks the Hansol's YouTube fanbase. With his enlarged presence, Hansol is the "Face of the Group"-- the most recognizable member to the general public. While he isn't the most popular within his group's fans, Hansol is the most liked across the general public.

Hansol's personality around fans is very bubbly. He loves playing up his cute, boyish charms to win over the fans (especially when they drool over Yooha). There's a lot of winking, heart signs, pouting, and hugs whenever Hansol interacts with his fans.

Within the group, Hansol is the baby. Although he isn't the youngest, he acts the most immature. He's always nagging the other members and trying to prove his manliness, but it's more like a puppy trying to intimidate a pack of wolves.

For side projects, Hansol would have a solo debut. He'd produce all the music on his album while collaborating with Biho for songwriting. Since it's his solo career, Hansol would have much more creative control-- allowing him to fully explore every corner of his artistry. He plans to continues his solo career long after the group disbands too.

Position: Lead Vocalist, Rapper, Songwriter, Visual, Maknae

Biho was the 3rd member to join ST Entertainment. Out of the 4, he was the only one who submitted a formal audition tape to ST Entertainment and got accepted through the traditional audtion process. What made his audtion special was that he performed his own song-- a love song to his future lover. The judges absolutely loved his vibe and voice, so they couldn't pass this opportunity.

When Biho became a trainee, he always felt insecure about his skills. Even though he was talented, Biho was training with the likes of Taehee and Hansol, who were already experienced and seasoned professionals. Biho thought he'd be holding his group back, but the other members assured him that his presence made a significant impact on the group.

And honestly, it really did because Biho wrote most of their songs. His lyrics were both thought-provoking and poetic. He was never afraid of writing music about the things on his mind (whether it was love, fear, anger, or sadness). However, editing the lyrics took a lot of time as Biho only wanted to make the best content for his fans. Sometimes he lets Hansol write music with him.

Biho's strength lies in his singing (like most of the other members). His voice is soft and breathy, almost like a lullaby wrapping you in a soft blanket. No matter how you're feeling, Biho's voice is guaranteed to calm your nerves and take to your safe place.

Biho is also known for his looks. Although Yooha is the group's top model, Biho's face is the perfect canvas for all types of makeup styles. Although he doesn't realize it, fans love the duality between his soft persona and his darker one. Many are surprised that Biho is able to make the switch for sexier concepts and absolutely die when he does.

However, Biho shines the most with soft boy concepts. It's the image that he's had for the longest and is most comfortable with. Besides, the more thoughtful and heartfelt songs are where his lyrics get to shine through-- making him extra happy. For reference, the best examples of soft boy songs that suits Biho would be "Spring Day" by BTS, "Don't Wanna Cry" by SEVENTEEN, "Blue Hour" by TXT.

In fan interactions, Biho is extremely warm and a tad bit shy. He's always blushing when fans compliment him and showers his fans with a bunch of love in return. He likes to take his fans' hands and sincerely thank them for their support because his group would be nothing without them.

In fact, Biho is the most likely to get emotional while performing. The fact that there are so many people who are willing to listen to his music and his message is something that he could barely dream of. He will be forever indebted to their kindness, which is why he tries go provide his fans with all a lot of content (lives, Q+As, pop-up fansigns).

In the group, Biho isn't much different. In fact, he's the member whose idol persona matches his real personality the most. He's always cheering hisnother members from the side and gushing about how amazing they are. Sometimes he likes to throw an occasional jab at Yooha though (especially when Yooha is feeling himself too much).

For side projects, Biho is working on a book! He already has a collect of poems that was published, which has recieved high praise from critics and other poets. He also spends time writing songs for other groups, especially ones that come from small, poor companies.

[bbysamu]

bestie pls! im gonna be a freshman in the fall at uni and i am so SCARED if you wouldnt mind sharing some tips 😵‍💫

I got you!! Okay here are just some general tips I have on the top of my head that's helped me!

Academics:

For research papers, don't wait until last minute because it will destroy you and you will be crying while hugging a pint of ben and Jerrys at 12 am about to break down because you left your 12-page research paper to the last minute. Instead, just write one paragraph or two every day like a few weeks prior and it will help you so much

readings: there is no need to read every single word if you're short on time/a lot of other assignments. You can read the intro, then first and last sentence of each paragraph to get the basic idea. If that doesn't work, then you go and read in detail carefully

don't be afraid to contact your professors / visit office hours for not only homework/school stuff. You can also talk to them about their professional career etc etc

study abroad if you have the chance (look into grants/scholarships - there's a lot available)

go to org and career fairs

Extracurriculars:

join student orgs! don't be afraid to try new things, you might just discover new hobbies / interests

take leadership roles, it'll help develop soft/hard skills and bonus! looks great on resumes too

if you see opportunities, you should grab them and don't think to yourself "oh they'll be next year", chances are there will not be. So if you see something you wanna do, just do it.

Social life:

this was a piece of advice a senior gave me my freshman year. The first week of class you should try to talk to a lot of people because everyone is most friendly during this time hahaha and people haven't really found their friend group yet, so don't be afraid to just talk to the classmate next to you in class, on the bus, in line at library etc...

I actually think it wouldn't hurt to just talk to people randomly (not in a weird way ofc) but a simple "hi" or "good morning" go a long way

You will most likely not stay friends with the people you meet during orientation and that is okay!

don't rush to make friends, just let things happen naturally. Don't be discouraged if you don't feel like you've found ppl you bond with the first few months, they'll come one day, I promise.

Don't drink underage because i've heard of so many horror stories of underage drinkers who got in a lot of trouble because they couldn't handle their liquor and had to be send to the university hospital. Not only is it expensive, but you get in a lot of trouble

I have a lot more, but I don't want to overwhelm. If you want a part II, let me know! hope these helps!

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

So I was going through your Bakugou critical tag and I got to one post talking about, y'know, shitty public schools and his academic ranking, and as someone who was labelled a 'gifted child' in a kinda shitty public school, I wanted to share my thoughts on how that could've affected his character.

I think, and this is a generalization, there's usually a time somewhere in a 'gifted' child's life where the just. Hit a wall. They get overwhelmed, burnt out, whatever. For personal reference, this year is definitely the year where I hit the wall because of my choice to switch to online, and now I'm having to consider how important my grades are, and reconsider priorities. Hearing about this from other people like me helped, but I doubt it's possible to completely negate it.

And UA's an extremely prestigious school, that was mentioned in the first chapter. What is it, 0.2% of applicants get in? I don't remember, I just remember it being ridiculously low. So there's no way of him avoiding hitting that wall with the change in academic expectations. In addition to the consequences he should receive for his abhorrent behavior in the past, that would've been some satisfying character development to see.

It would've been so interesting to see Bakugou hit that wall. It would've been interesting to see him struggle with the entrance exams, though I guess Japan has cram schools that would help. It would've been interesting to see other classmates who, despite maybe not being as naturally intelligent as Bakugou, have better habits that would lead to a better ranking.

Now, if it were me writing a fic? It's doubtful Bakugou would've even gotten into UA for a multitude of reasons. I can think of some ways to develop his character, but I'm so over his character, I'd rather just shove him out of the story and focus on other things. But that's just me and my take on him.

... Holy shit anon I love you. Damn, this is good. You’re completely right. There is a time where gifted kids hit a wall- I mentioned that Bakugou reminds me of my brother because he to was a gifted kid and he dropped out of University like twice.

 I would argue Bakugou isn’t just gifted though. He mentions he works hard and we are shown him working hard at being the best, so I don’t doubt he could make it into UA. This is my own observation and not about anyone else, but my brother was a gifted kid and he never really studied or tried. Our school just sucked. Bakugou does try. He also mentions he aced the mock exam.

 Personally as well, I think that the idea behind the 0.2% of applicants thing is a really gross exaggeration. Like sure, probably a lot of people apply for UA and don’t get in, but like... ehhhh I doubt? Solely cause like it just does not make sense to me. Also like, I love Kaminari and his fanon dumbness is exaggerated but he wouldn’t make it in if it was that low. So my thought is that .2% is actually how many graduate from the hero program itself. Because... okay so .2% of 10,000 is 20. As mentioned Aizawa expells a lot of students, and I am of the firm opinion other students drop out or get expelled because of the course load and demands and the fact they might realize how fucking terrifying heroics is making them want to switch careers.

 So the idea then is that the class sizes decrease through the three years, meaning 20 is usually the size of their graduating hero course.

“.2% of those graduating hero courses come from UA.” can easily be morphed into only .2% get into UA.

However, due to the fact that UA accepts anyone, I also think that the written exam is actually pretty easy. It’s just the practical that’s harder.

 So like I think his wall that would be hit would be with the actual material itself. He’s smart, studious and skilled, but like there’s a difference between working hard to be the best at a shitty school and being the best in a really high-end school. Also, his grades were probably padded because teachers do that shit to kids they like and I will DIE on that hill.

I fully love this idea of Bakugou struggling to stay in the top. I would love to see him go: Okay I can stick to my old study habits. But oh fuck, uhhh no? Because they don’t go over like the obvious shit they also go over the really easily forgettable stuff and that’s on the test?!

 Bakugou is not a guy to think about being subtle, and it would be so satisfying. Kaminari has a habit of remembering little things or random scraps of knowledge. Mina isn’t that great at studying but can easily remember random gossip. All these kids actually do have the habit of remembering random shit. Bakugou though is straightforward, loud and is to egotistical to think he needs to change. So the idea of him actually nearly failing is gold.

 More so if they end up kicking him to gen ed because of it.

 ... Anon, you are making me want a fic where he is in the bottom five of the class, and his continued screaming of cheating and lies is what gets him on probation.

Also, man why do you think unless I have a use for him or wanna be a dick to him he’s never in the fics? Half the time I stick him in 1B so I don’t need to bother with him. Or sent to another school.

[bentenharuki]

When I read HQ, I decided to research a little on volleyball but of course, my knowledge is just a tad bit better than a novice. There are players who are short, the shortest is only 5' and a half? Can you explain why there would be no Hinata or Hoshiumi in real life?

Hi!

I will try to answer everything, hopefully in a comprehensible way.

There are many questions you've asked beside this one so I will try to put it all together, if you don't mind (you remember your asks anyway...so it should work).

For the part where you quote one of my posts where I tell the Horrible Greedy Mangaka (the author whose name I despise) said like he renounced at developing Lord Kags more, it's from one of his final interviews explaining the future careers (?) of all the players he put in the National Team. He said basically regarding the player who should have been the most talented since the start "he's already great, so what else was there to add"? - which is IDIOTIC because no matter how great of a talent/player you are you NEED to best yourself every day. The more talent you have, the higher is the climb you are destined to have (instead Furudate basically let him stay the same or almost the same as he was at 15 years old: IDIOTIC, as I said.

Furudate has no real perception of the greatness in sport so that was just a way to say "I can't understand a thing about superiorly skilled players, so I cannot say anything more about the character I was meant to refer at as a great talent, and therefore let's leave him in the dust and create a protagonist with zero realism and make people (who cannot understand the sport nor appreciate it fully) identify with him. It will bring me way more money than be truthful, and it's gonna work way better than try to understand the real dynamic of a sport."

This is something that I will never EVER forgive him for. He vilified real volleyball and created fake suggestive ideas about it in people who basically have never ever seen a real match and worse, who have never ever PLAYED it for real at decent level. All of this smells so fake to me, it makes me angry STILL to this day if I rethink about it.

About the height of players, (hoshiumi, Hinata, both under 1.80 by far) sorry, but in no real team of male volley players at ANY good or great level you find people short the way midgets Furudate loves to boast are. This because in modern volley power is the most important quality. It's not even debatable. Shorties are deficient in elevation, weight, strength, power. They will simply get blocked in series, no matter how fast or jumpy they can be. Just take a look at any CEV game, and judge for yourself. In the past 15 years, the heights of team roasters have constantly grown. It's a basic rule which is followed because IT WORKS INFINITELY BETTER AND MORE than any other asset.

Just take a look at the beast roasters in National Teams or in the best volley Leagues in the world (I am Italian, I watch the best players play every year here) and midgets are nowhere to be seen. The more volley develops, the more height and power do count and amount.

Furudate tried to tell a fairy tale: but sport is not a fairy tale: sport is a real path of real, quite heroic and symbolic life.

To play is one thing, if you are short. To play at the greatest levels is another thing. Furudate has so little knowledge of real volley he dared to claim a beach volley training can best your skills. FALSE to the highest. Beach volley is a funny thing, it's an athletic circus, but there are NO connections with the depth and the complexity of indoor volleyball there. Strategy, which is a vital part of indoor volleyball, and which exists because you have MANY players and possible way to make them interact, disappear fatally in outside volley. And this makes the two games like night and day.

Schemes in beach volley are dire at best, and although it is a funny and entertaining thing to play and watch, the ball, the court/ball/net dimensions, the rules are DIFFERENT and there is NO way a real top volley player would ever switch between there and the beach, or viceversa. They are two different sports with little in common, and maybe some help in training there can be found for female players (slower and less athletic than their male counterparts and by definition less powerful and strong), but in male volleyball the skills you can hone by training in beach are virtually ZERO. Especially when you are a top player. You can relax and have fun with beach volley, but it's like having a drink in the heat when you wanna relax. It's nothing like the real thing you wanna do, it's just a break you get some fun in.

Furudate then put everybody and their sisters in the National team, at the end of his AWFUL "final arc" (as i call it, the Fairy Tale Midgets Arc). PATHETIC. It was also blatantly absurd to have as many players as he had become pro. Even in smallest leagues the percentage of players who transition from high school playing to pro are like 1,02%.

In HQ there would be like 20% or something, even around 25% if you count smallest and foreign leagues. It's all part of the fairy tale I despise.

If you want to create a para-sport manga then create a fake sport: one like Blue Lock or Prince of Stride: or you start by putting alienating elements like superpowers (like in Kuroko No Basket, which is clear is only inspired by basket, then it goes for the superpower route but OPENLY), and you stop trying to fake realism in your opera.

They are all valid choices: all, ban the one The Greedy Mangaka did: pursue the money of delusional, not educated readers honing them into believing what they are following and reading avidly is somehow REAL and near to reality of the sport the manga had to depiction and describe.

I call this lying to the incapacitated and I will forever despise ALL of the way HQ became after Inarizaki arc (the best arc of the series, the one that gave me hopes before everything turned out impossibly wrong).

I won't even mention the hate I felt when one of my top characters became even a Country Traitor just to keep having 1264322 setters around.

In NO Country more than Japan to have one of the best characters become a foreigner would have felt wrong and fake.

Japan has a strong, very strong Country Pride and to ditch it to play a sport instead than fight INSIDE your Country to become a valid choice is like calling yourself weak, scared and hypocrite.

And Furudate The As*s dared to make Oikawa (my Oikawa!!!!! The Prideful, talented Oikawa) THIS kind of loser, ditching his roots because he didn't feel he could have reached National Team in Japan??????

PATHETIC.

Fake, Offensive, Pathetic.

No real Japanese would have ever ditched his Nationality to play. Not a single one (because in Japan to become a foreign citizen you RENOUNCE to your first Nationality and this is more or like a capital sin in Japanese mentality. And Oikawa became THAT kind of traitor. Unbelievable. Such a beautiful, deep character trashed to become a belittling loser so into his own world and frustration he couldn't manage to fight for his own place in his own home country. All this is so profoundly anti- sport I can't even detail it. It's just a void of real sport spirit and again it makes me angry any time I think of it.)

Ok... I think I wrote a lot (sorry... I didn't expect this to be this long but it's above than me. If I start to think about this all, I still as bitter and angry and disappointed as ever...).

I hope some of your questions were answered and I hope in a readable way... I am sure I filled this with typos and mistakes but I always write in a rush and it's not easy when this is my third language ... sigh!

Have a nice time and hopefully I made myself clear and cleared your doubts on this all.

Hugs, K.

[canonicallyanxious]

Previous anon! I think you mentioned a literature degree in a post a while back. (But the tags you left on the ask certainly showed evidence of it haha). I was curious and wanted you to talk about it but wasnt sure if i should straight up say "pls talk about your degree i am very interested and curious"

lollll i mean as a lit major i feel like i’m morally obligated to drag myself for it bc like i deserve it but yeah i’m down to talk about my degree!! uhhh idk if you have anything specific in mind, feel free to ask me whatever you want to know bc it turns out when asked to talk about my degree i don’t even know where to start rip also if you’re looking for someone who can advise you on what you can do with a lit major i am the wrong person to go to sdkjfnsdkjsnfd what i do for work now has basically nothing to do with what i studied but i’m honestly good with that bc it was always something i studied more because i wanted to than because i wanted to turn it into an actual career

Trying to remember what lit classes i liked the best... off the top of my head: contemporary women novelists, modern english lit, black literature in europe, post-colonial lit [by far my favorite lit class ever, that reading list fuckin slapped]; there was also a class that i don’t remember what it was called anymore but i loved it bc we read a lot of more nontraditional writing that also focused a lot on intergenerational trauma [so like Maus and the Photographer which are graphic novels were on the reading list, and we also read a poem called Zong! and experimental plays and things like that]

hmmm not knowing what specifically you wanna know about i guess i’ll just give some general thoughts about being a lit major [and tossing a cut here bc i got rambly... i’m sorry... you asked a lit major about being a lit major this is what happens i guess]

as one might expect it involves a fuckton of reading and writing literary analysis which might be a con for some but definitely not for me. but like i am the kind of asshole who actually likes reading three books in a week and writing a 7 page close reading comparing the roles of Persuasion’s Ann Elliot and the Bride of Lamermoor’s Lucy so, you know, i certainly don’t expect what works for me to be a one-size-fits-all kind of thing lol

One thing I really liked with the classes i took was the opportunity to push back against the typical canon of the Dead White Man that i feel like was really prevalent in public school. tbf there was still quite a bit of that in some of my classes [James Joyce meet me in the fucking pit] but if you’re strategic with the classes you sign up for you really get the chance to get exposed to a lot of unique and diverse perspectives, i feel like the foundation i got in those classes helped me form a baseline for where to start in finding more literature like that

Although as mentioned i did still have a lot of issues with that in my department. like idk if that was just my school or being in undergrad or whatever but i feel like a lot of lit majors I knew had a very prescriptive view of what “counts” as literature, we got into so many discussions about what qualifies as ~art~ [which if you know me i think is such bullshit like who are we to judge what is more artistic than something else particularly when for so much of history what has been deemed ~proper literature~ was written by white men but anyway we don’t have to get into it right now lol] and while i got the sense that the culture was slowly changing while i was part of it i do still feel like there’s a lot about the lit academia world that still kinda has to catch up, like it can be a field rife with elitism and narrow-mindedness depending on where you are in it. but of course that’s just my own take on it! ymmv and all that

i feel like this major taught me way more about how to read than about how to write, like at my school at least especially in a lot of the upper level classes there was basically no guidance for how to write your papers you’re kind of already expected to know how to write good literary criticism? also tbh i didn’t always love writing papers, in fact sometimes it fucking sucked having to write long analyses about topics i didn’t give a shit about and sometimes you have to do a FUCKTON of writing about shit you don’t care about [especially during finals week rip college Sarah you will not be missed]. but i think the analysis skills i developed while studying lit are genuinely really valuable even if i don’t really do anything directly related to my field of study career wise, like they help me be more thoughtful about pretty much everything i read and watch from the news to fiction and also be more thoughtful about my choices in my own creative writing all of which i really appreciate esp since it’s stuff i’m interested in just in general so I definitely don’t regret this choice of study!

sidenote but big rip to anyone who goes into this major and likes reading for fun in their downtime sdfknsnf i had way too much reading always to do any of my own reading outside of class [anthro is a very reading/writing heavy major too BIG rip to college Sarah] and when i did have breaks i was like fuck no i’m not thinking about words until i ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO [by going back to class] [god i’m so glad i’m not in school anymore]

Lord that got rambly skjfnskdjfnsd idek if any of that is anything you’d be interested in but yeah feel free to ask me more specific questions if you feel like it! then maybe i won’t go off on a million tangents [disclaimer: i probably still will]

[raspberryfanfics]

nejiten fanfic binging guide

My recommended Nejiten fics. All stories are complete and are good enough to be reread again and again:)

Narutoverse

Exceptions by IncessantOblivion — The first Nejiten fic I have ever read, also one of the closest to my hearts. Though the author admits it, it does have themes of sexism and homophobia, but not strong. It portrays Tenten as extremely inexperienced and though I’m not a fan of authors who write her that way, I’m glad she is shown as independent otherwise. Despite the criticism and obvious flaws, the romantic scenes are written perfectly and I get a huge wave of feels every time I reread it. Besides the slight hints of sexism, this story is the most favourited Nejiten story on FFn for a reason: you’re so emotionally connected to it. My chest literally constricts every time I read it, it’s so good. 

Land of Pretend + Reality by trilliumgt — The first story, (Land of Pretend), despite being without a super solid storyline, is just so heart-wrenching. I’m pretty sure I cried the first time I read this and the sequel but even if it didn’t trigger as much as an emotional reaction, it was surprisingly not boring. Though “Reality” wasn’t as “feel-triggering”, it was very well thought out. 

About a Daddy and a Nanny by syaoran no hime — Perhaps one of my favourite Nejiten fics of all time. I was originally skeptical of this fic because of the title since Daddy and Nanny fics can be ridiculously degrading. They tend to be overly cliche where the female character is a useless Mary Sue. Yet when I gave it a shot, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was most definitely not cliche in the slightest. It may not be the best fic I’ve read in terms of romanticness, however, the humour is unbeatable. Before class, I had read this on my phone and couldn’t stop laughing because the author writes Tenten to have an alter-ego nanny, (very minor spoiler), and she is absolutely hilarious. The romance lies in the unspoken words and the reminiscence, not in the make-outs, but in a way, that just makes it what it is. It’s the type of fic that makes you wanna laugh and cry and smash your screen at the same time. The story is so so sooo good.

SharpBladed Spirit by FenixPhoenix — Dark and a little gruesome, therefore rated M. It isn’t so much a romance, rather an adventure story with a side serving of the two love interests. Nonetheless, it’s captivating, character development is phenomenal, and every character is strong and moves on the plot.

On Qipao Flirting and Buying Drinks by needdl — While this is only a two-shot, it is such a beautifully written story. The best part of it isn’t the romance, but the reactions to change and change itself. Characters change in subtle ways and the creative ways of expressing Neji’s reactions to Tenten becoming more and more feminine make me smile constantly. What I also love is that it has a slight feminist viewpoint to it in the fact that she embraces her femininity, which is the whole point of feminism (in which femininity is embraced just as much as masculinity and the belief that all are equal, which hopefully you are up to date to because it’s 2020 for kami’s sake). Anyways, the first part of the story is absolute pure fluff but if you read the second part, (especially on Ao3)...well that is some hot stuff let me tell ya.

In Front of Every Star by NessieGG — A short story with lots of fluff, angst, and feminism. (YAY!) It loaded with small snippets of moments, sadness, and really makes you think about your own values. Would you leave the love of your life to save your home country? What I love about this story is that the pain the characters feel may be selfish but they are completely realistic. It reflects off of our own lives, trying to let go of our feelings after letting go of the person. Every piece of it is flawless.

Ms X by Blade Rewind — This was the second-ever Nejiten fic I’ve read, and though short in the chapters, it certainly gives a lot of content. It’s light, airy, fun, and a little bit cliche, but in a strangely good way. The writer executes a classic plot with grace and humour and there isn't’ a point where you wanna die because of the unoriginality. 

On Sex by Lotos-eater — I was skeptical about this at first because sometimes titles like these indicate really bad smut, which is almost as bad as an overused cliche. However, this was exactly the opposite. While there is certainly mature content, it isn’t in the way you’d think. Sex is portrayed as an obstacle in this story and approaching it is awkward in every way. Kissing is awkward, touching is awkward, in fact, this is a romantic story with no romance whatsoever. I don’t know how the author pulled it off, but it was simply amazing. It is hard to read not because it is bad, but because you can really empathize with the Neji and Tenten as they try to have sex with non-existent chemistry. Yet my favourite part of this story is the amount of complexity within each character and the way Gai is written in a much more different light. I never imagined Gai to have a dark side and this story executes it perfectly.

Alternate Universes

Complexities of Blackmail by Aquarius Galuxy — I read the summary for this one and was impressed at the word count so I quickly jumped aboard my first AG Nejiten fic train and just...wow. So like, I don’t know where to start. It’s a military space AU and what I love is that up to a certain point, everyone’s backstory until Naruto Shippuden era is almost exactly the same as the Narutoverse. Team Gai is a predeveloped relationship but had deteriorated. Blackmail is very explicit, lots of smut, but damn is it quality smut. It might not be your cup of tea, but if you don’t mind it, this story is amazing. Neji is slightly out of character, but you can understand why with his motivations, even though I personally wouldn’t write a story with the situation. Development is great, chemistry is over the top fantastic, and there’s a perfect amount of angst. It is a bit lengthy but so worth it. Every other character involved is so unique, I loved seeing Izumo and Kotetsu getting a bigger role, Ino was so in character; highly, highly recommend.

f 2-8, ISO 100 by Aquarius Galuxy — Of course, we have another AG fic and this one has sex scenes, but not as *cough* rough *cough* as Blackmail. The maturity mostly comes from the fact that Tenten is a photographer and art can sometimes be...graphic. Yet I have an appreciation for this fic since it states that art is art and the fact that AG came up with the photography is like aiming a shot, (since Tenten never misses). Neji is a politician and pianist, which is a suitable career that both covers his genius and soft side. Once again, great chemistry. This fic flows like a river, it’s so beautiful.

Cutting Water by Nessie GG — A historic AU in which Tenten the leader of a prestigious clan in China and Neji is an ambassador from Japan. Reads more as an adventure and friendship story resulting in romance in the last few chapters rather than just romance. The details are amazing and the style of the writing makes it so elegant, perfect for the time period. It’s the type of story that mysterious and sophisticated at the same time.

Perfidy by KNO — Similar to Cutting Water as it is a historical AU. Its backstory is vaguely similar to Mulan, however, in this case, the hot general doesn’t forgive her immediately. Tenten, who was saved from dressing as a guy to serve in the army, is sent to train another generation of female soldiers. It’s a great story, a great plot, though it does tend to run on uselessly at times. However, it is solid otherwise. 

Breathe Again by Kicho-Keynote — A modern AU in which Neji is an army veteran. The story is slightly dark, as it deals with PTSD and triggering situations. Each character is complex and the development is simply amazing. Everyone has visible flaws, relationships are so well-developed, and it has brought me to tears several times. There are several mentions of ShinoTen, and even though it’s not my favourite couple, it plays a huge role in the story so just a warning. Thankfully, it doesn’t go into detail about their personal lives and it still is a Nejiten story, despite other love interests. It also runs on at parts but overall, it’s extremely well developed.

Authors

Aquarius Galuxy @aquariusgaluxy — The “Papabay” of Nejiten fics. Every story is beautiful, perfect, and intimate. Chemistry is always there. Everything is so beautiful and each has a different mood. Nothing is half-assed and it is just...I wish AG was still active I love those works so much.

KNO @zealousheart — If Aquarius Galuxy is the “Papabay” of Nejiten fics, then KNO is the “Ghost Bananas”. KNO’s work is creative, light, complex, and meaningful. The best part is, if you compare the earlier works to the more recent ones, you can really see the difference in skill level and how much KNO has improved.

Goldberry — Do you need one-shots? Goldberry has plenty. Though there are only a couple stories, there are one-shot collections, drabbles, and a whole bucketload of one-shots I haven’t even got to. It’s pure Nejiten Heaven

NessieGG — More one-shots but guess what? They’re all AU one-shots! Now, this is Nejiten AU heaven!

needdl — All of needdl’s works are filled with fluff. They are adorable, sweet, yet some of them are sincere and romantic. 

Cyberwolf — There are so many short light drabbles from Cyberwolf, each an idea that seemingly came from random thoughts but ended up on FFN for all of us to read.

MOST OTHER AUTHORS MENTIONED IN THE SUGGESTED STORIES ALSO HAVE OTHER NEJITEN WORKS, JUST NOT AS PLENTIFUL OR MOSTLY NEJITEN AS THE ONES LISTED ABOVE. I SUGGEST YOU CHECK OUT THEIR PROFILES AS WELL!

[parkeraul]

anatomy | oneshot

a/n: i don’t know what it is but i had this stuck in my phone’s notes and i’m going to give it a try lol. i got inspired by a post here on tumblr and another one on twitter (both different, both NOT what you’re thinking they are) and this is like... nerdy!shawn? college!shawn? student!shawn? idk read it to find it out. plus, this is a work of fiction, so the situations named in here aren’t exactly what happens in real life, my dudes. i don’t know if this is how it happens, i’m assuming stuff just to give them an atmosphere. all built up for shawn and reader’s relationship to go somewhere on this imagine. sorry in advance to any medical students lmao.

shawn x reader  warnings: cursing, smut (?).  words: 7.272

It’s nearly 10pm in a saturday when he knocks on her door with his free hand, holding his book in his other hand kind of nervously. She tiptoes downstairs, quickly knotting the strap around her robe to cover her recent showered body. Her mind goes confused, wondering who might be standing outside at this time. Peeking through the magic eye, she can barely recognise the tall figure standing in front of her door with what she figured out as a backpack hanging on his back and something under his tattooed arm. She wasn’t expecting anyone from college because the finals were still happening and she finally managed to get home after passing hers, so everyone else should probably be stuck in their houses half studying, half praying. When she saw his hand coming up to curl in a fist next to the wooden material, she flicked the keys to the side and made sure to hold the upper part of her robe, pulling the edges together to cover her breasts and collarbone.  Opening the door, she meets him wearing a desperate expression on his flushed face. He sighs in relief before putting his shit together. “Shawn? What are you doing here?” She asks smiling insecurely, he doesn’t follow her though. “Thank God you’re home!” He vents and exhales heavily. “I know this is super weird and random, but I honestly don’t know who else to look for. I’m really sorry. God... I shouldn’t-“ “Spit it out, Mendes!” She giggles, opening the door a little bit more to show him somehow that she’s welcoming him. “You know you can count on me to something more than just having my veins available for you to train your blood-removal skills.” She winks and he smiles shyly, remembering how insecure he felt when first asking her to volunteer and be his pair to this class in specific.  

They’ve become pretty close, always getting paired for the classes because they knew that they were responsible and worked greatly together – always hitting high grades even in the most difficult subjects. Medical school is hard already, so they’ve found in each other an easier way to go through it all by supporting each other since their class is filled with so many selfish people. Shawn and Y/N were rarely hanging out when not in college – but more than friends, they are also something like partners in crime.  Although he had a very serious crush on her at first sight, he kept on doing his best to get rid of the feeling eventually, even though he knows he’s not 100% there, he thinks that he’s seen everything he could and his rational side is working constantly to make him get used to live next to her like a normal person would do (seeing her as a nice classmate who’s there for him, not someone who he wants to trace every single inch and experience his daydreams with). She finds him attractive, she can’t even lie. But she would never make a move considering how reserved he is, fearing that he might reject her right at first and never look at her face again. Things couldn’t get this awkward. 

Y/N opens some space for Shawn to step inside her living room and gives him a gentle smile, always reassuring him wordlessly that he can feel comfortable in her presence to ask whatever he wanted to ask – she felt more than glad to solve his doubts, actually. 

“I’m sorry for showing up so late and...” He finally sees that she’s wearing nothing but a black cotton robe and her hair is wet, clinging to her back. “Well, s-sorry for interrupting your s-shower, I-“ Shawn facepalms and rubs his forehead, trying to brush his nervousness off and find the right words to say. He doesn’t want to look like a creep. “Mendes, you’re rambling,” She warns him and closes the door, grabbing his stuff for him to have free hands to take off his coat and shoes. Knowing it, Shawn rapidly does it all before putting both hands together to wait for further instructions. “Stop apologising! You know I don’t care about it.”  Shawn knows that Y/N doesn’t really give a shit about things that some other people would do. She always says that a body is a body: it’s not an object and that a body and sex should be seen as something natural, not something who demands silly and unnecessary jokes when you look at it. And considering the partnership they’ve been developing, she felt more comfortable to talk to him about these things without stuttering or feeling embarassed. If they wanted to build a professional career, they had to deal with bodies normally. 

Maybe this is one of the reasons why they’ve never sat down to spill the tea about their secret little crushes. Shawn is a gentleman, of course, and that’s what keeps him fighting his willing to love on her like he never did with anyone else. He is misunderstanding her words, perhaps. She always talked to him about how much she hates when their classmates started joking and sexualizing human bodies like they were made for nothing more than sex. But that didn’t mean that she’s not into finding out how their touches can melt delightfully, because that’s been currently taking over her imaginations more often than she’d like it to – debating with her own mind how wrong is this, how awful it is of her to imagine Shawn maping her body with those intentions that she wishes her whole class could stop feeding. Maybe she had forgotten to say that, if they’re both agreeing on doing this, if their feelings are matching, then it’d be a whole another story (that she’d love to live intensely, thank you very much). This is such a hot mess.

She trails her way to the kitchen and he follows her before he can miss the sight of her. She points to the big island in the middle of her kitchen for him to sit as she places his book and backpack on top of it. “What’s going on, Shawnie Boy?” She asks while opening her fridge to look for something to eat to offer him. “Thank you for being way too nice, Y/N,” He chuckles to himself, also thanking the universe for crossing their ways. “I couldn’t pass Sally’s latest test and she’s going to eat me alive if I fuck up with the upcoming final exam.” Y/N grabs a box of grape juice to put on top of the island along with some Doritos she found on her cabinet. She thought he might probably want to sink down in unhealthy garbage to calm his damn nerves. “Sally is really unpredictable, isn’t she?” Y/N jokes and also grabs what’s left of her chocolate cake inside the oven to join the other stuff. “What was it about?”  “Anatomy,” Shawn says unpleasantly, grabbing the glass that Y/N is giving him so he can pour some juice to himself. “Women’s body kind of anatomy, more specifically. It makes me wanna give up on this damn class.” He opens the box and starts filling his glass with the deep purple liquid. “You actually can’t. This subject is... How do they say? Obligatory.” She says, staring at him and finishing setting the island with tiny plates and forks. “See? I know I should be studying music or whatever doesn’t envolve vulvas and labias.” His tone expresses all of his disappointment. Shawn hates to fail and also hates the whole process of learning from his mistakes. He never allowed himself to fuck it up even though he had no previous knowledge to execute something perfectly for the first time. “Keep thinking like that and you’ll end up seeing your own hand for the rest of your life.” Y/N is effortlessly pushing him over the edge of his stress, but he knew she was only playing around so he pretended not to care that much. He thought of replying her as boldly as she’s doing, but when she leaned forwards a little bit to cut a piece of cake, he accidentally saw her skin underneath the dark fabric – almost getting the view of the swell of her breasts. He swallowed harshly, immediately searching for his book to find the pages that have been driving him insane over the past weeks. ‘It’s fine. This is fine. Everything’s okay.’ He quietly warns his own body. Shawn shakes his head and takes a generous sip of his juice and tries hard to blink and miss the view of her not even noticing what just happened and still trying to cut a perfect square to place on a plate. “I... Mm... Have been reading from page 45 to page 97 over and over again for two weeks straight and-“ He starts with difficulty and, as if it wasn’t hard enough for him now, she’s licking and sucking at her fork she used to set under her piece of cake to lift it up and off the tin while looking him deep in the eyes, waiting for him to conclude his first doubt of the night. She didn’t mean to seduce him on purpose, but if she only knew the way she is messing with his head right now, she’d probably do something much worse. 

Shawn feels like cursing all the words he knows out loud. 

He’s been managing to keep his first impressions controlled for years. Why is this shit coming up again like he’s seeing her for the first time in his life? His brain, always hungry for coherent answers, figured things out in a matter of seconds. When he understood it all, he came back to earth and denied his own instincts angrily. Hopefully, he would never ever need to explain this reason to anyone else. 

“And?” Y/N snaps him back to reality, removing the fork out of her mouth and clicking her tongue to finish the small taste she had from the tiny crumbles that were glued to the steel.  “And... I...” He keeps on turning the pages frantically, not wanting to waste time. Who knows that she wouldn’t get him lost between running to the closest bathroom to splash some water on his face and staying frozen in his seat to never get up again until he stops hardening against his sweatpants during this quick lack of words? “I c-couldn’t quite understand and memorize these parts and their functions.” Shawn fixes a single curl back to its place and then he points to the figure on his book.  “Really?” She frowns. How a smart and handsome guy like Shawn can’t understand simple explanations about a vagina? “Why have you circled this so many times? You can barely see what it is.” She points to a messy grey sketch.  “It’s the clitoris,” Shawn rolls his eyes and clears his throat before moving on. “Need to remind myself that this shit is killing me mercilessly with this stupid amount of nerve endings.”  “You wish, Shawn,” Slicing her cake, she jokes and wraps her lips around the fork once again. Shawn can literally feel the palms of his hands sweating and he swears to God he could explode at anytime. Why anatomy of the reproductive system? Why not microbiology or pharmacology? He knew he should be a pro by now. “You better take notes about this little thing in particular if you want to pass or make a girl squirm under you.” 

Can she stop?  Great.  Now he’s picturing it. 

“Plus, I can guarantee you that, once you get to find where it is and how it works, you’ll wish you could reciprocate the merciless part everyday.” 

This is not study. This is torture.  Bad grades and bad thoughts. The “perfect” combo.  Shawn gets his notebook and pencils out of his bag and works fast to find a blank page to start writing. 

The time flies by with her careful explanations.  Y/N might joke a lot with him but she knows when to talk seriously.  She’s patient to describe every single detail and say things once more in a different way for him to see it all in a different way.  She speaks; he writes and asks again. All happening in a loop and Shawn’s pretty surprised that the chills that were taking over his lower region were gone now. He’s been doing his best by looking down at the paper all the time, refusing to peek at her.  “No! Nah-nah-nah...” She says and stretches her arm to grab the eraser next to him. He falls out of his concentration and reacts by traveling his eyes from her fingers to the expansion of her covered arm and finishing at her now exposed collarbone. The scent of her moisturizer escapes her robe to invade his nostrils. He can’t help but inhale deeply as she brings the eraser to rub the words he’d been writing.  “What’s that on your clavicle?” Still studying her skin, he asks impulsively. Shit.  She looks at him and then down at her own body.  “Oh... This?” She sets the fabric to the side a little bit more, now almost showing her entire shoulder. Shawn feels like choking on his own air. “It’s just a little scar. Got it when trying to run away from my cousin once. Nails strong enough to mark me,” She remembers and giggles lowly. “Unfortunately not as cute as this one you have on your face.” 

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit. 

She just noticed that she revealed loudly one of her favourite things about him.  For the first time in the night, he smiles.  He feels his chest burning – still shyly – and she can’t take her eyes off his beautiful teeth, perfectly shaped and getting her missing the patterns of her breathing. 

From there, the tension between them seemed to grow more and more and the emotions blooming up from this atmosphere were screaming louder than words, intensifying not only their desires but also the other feelings coming to their surface. It was like throwing alcohol in a bonfire. And it’s certain that the flames were getting higher and higher.  They tried to focus one more time on whatever they were doing now (neither of them cared to understand exactly what it was), Shawn a lot more lost than her, already writing things that weren’t even about anatomy, he thought. 

“Nope!” She says again.  Erase, wipe the dust, explain again. 

The clock is ticking. 

“Shawn, no.”  By now, he was finishing his third glass of grape juice and she had completely given up on her cake. Fork hitting the plate aggressively as she bends over the cold marble to repeat her actions. Shawn rubs his face and runs his fingers through his dark curls.  Erase, wipe the dust, explain again.

“Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell are you doing?” If she was patient before, she’s not losing her shit for fucks sake. “Vulva is this external part, not the inside. The internal part is the vagina, down here in this entrance, see?” She’s pointing with his pencil and circling the spots with caution, because otherwise she might rip the page apart. Shawn drops his arms against the island and tilts his head to meet the hard surface, hitting his forehead and his sighs turns into a deep growl. 

Erase, wipe the dust. 

“God! Have you ever seen a pussy in your life?” He freezes in place and doesn’t get up, hoping she’s going somewhere else with this question. “Seriously! C’mere, I’ve got this kind of a plastic mould and you’ll touch this shit until the information gets inside your head somehow.” She stands in her feet and she knows that she’s being kinda rude. He doesn’t care, he knows he’s not going anywhere if she keeps on being all nice and shit but at the same time he’s so nervous that he wishes he could stay in that kitchen for the rest of his life until his problem goes away.  “I don’t really-” His voice comes out muffled by the white marble under his face.  “Mendes, you’re coming whether you want it or not!” She grabs his arm and pulls him off his seat. “I told you I’d help you and you know I won’t stop until I get my work done. Come on!”  He seizes the last seconds where his face is still hidden to smile. He loves how much she cares about him now and it seems to vanish away all of her impulsive attitudes before. She just wants him to succeed and once she gets a goal inside her mind, she ain’t stopping until she makes it happen.  Shawn gives up and she’s practically dragging him upstairs to her bedroom, steps punishing the degrees under her feet. 

“Get yourself comfortable, I’m gonna find this thing.” She says as if he even could. Shawn falls in her bed while she turns the lights on and goes to her shelf, eyeing all the spaces where that mould could be hiding into.  She tiptoes across her bedroom and checks every part of it like her life depends on it. 

Wardrobe? No.  Drawers? No.  Desk? No.  Under the bed? No.  Bookshelf? No. 

If the bedroom was even larger, she’d be running a marathon across it and the way she’s walking with powerful footsteps and picked up rhythm makes the hem of her robe swing and get loosened, sometimes showing the back of her thighs a little bit more and gradually exposing her chest.  And if Shawn felt like dying before, now he’s sure that he’s floating between heaven and hell so quickly that he can’t do anything else but widen his eyes in desperation, fight his own mind and press down on her mattress for dear life. “You can’t think like that. She’s your friend, she’s not a piece of meat. Control your damn hormones.” He whispers to himself and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want her to think that he’s just another one of those stupid classmates of theirs or some kind of a weirdo who acts like he had never seen a semi-naked body before.  Although that yes, he had never.  Y/N might be cool about talking of sex and stuff, but he managed to just nod and agree. He never told her he was a virgin and something about the way she messes with him so easily makes him feel like organising a whole speech – in the most polite way ever – about how much he wants her to teach him everything: where to touch, how to touch and what to do to have her feeling not only relaxed in his presence but also pleased. If he only had the braveness, he’d be on his knees right now divided between begging for mercy or for a chance. 

She closes the last drawer where she guessed the plastic cast could be inside of and turns around with her hands covering her mouth. Shawn looks at her concerned expression and concludes that she’s thinking, considering how fast her eyes are running across the room. 

“Y/N, you don’t have to. It’s okay, I can find some other way...” Shawn tries to calm her and she tugs some strands, pulling them back and then dropping her arms down. She can’t think of anything else than this and she knows she might be taking a risk in here. She steps backwards to close her door and it gets Shawn frowning, gasping and blinking rapidly. What the hell is she doing? 

If he could’ve only guessed that some dreams can come true sometimes... 

“Mendes, don’t freak out, okay?” She looks at him worriedly and his grin is filled with doubts. He thought she was joking about his study routine or whatever happened a few seconds ago. But when he sees that her face ain’t changing to something more playful, he gulps once more. “You’re gonna have to do this in anyways in the final exam and, since you can’t even name things correctly, there’s no other way to do this. Tell me if you don’t wanna do this and I’ll stop.” She finishes and grabs the knot of her robe. In one fluid motion, she undoes it and the black fabric is pooling down around her feet. Right now she’s not thinking about her crush on him, she’s not trying to get him moaning her name. No. She’s trying to get anatomy inside his head because she’s been there before and she knows that, if he touches the wrong places, Sally is definitely not going to give him any other chances. There’s no dirty in here, there’s no seduction. She’s offering to a test just like she offered her veins once; or like when he let her feel his temperature and see if his throat was sore.  “What are you doing? Y/N, seriously...” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Cover up, you don’t need to do it for me.”  “Is that what you want? I’ll do if you’re feeling awkward on doing this,” She reassures him and catches her robe from the floor. “But I want you to know that I’m okay with it. It’s totally up to you.”  Shawn can feel his limbs turning into cold stones and his leg starts to shake uncontrollably. He feels like someone just threw a ball on fire to him and he knows he’s got the opportunity to put the fire down. He just doesn’t know how.  “C-Can you... like...” He rubs his face, still not looking at her (who’s covering her front with the robe now) and tries to make a smart decision. “Get under your covers so I... can... t-touch you without looking at you?”  “Is this going to make you feel more comfortable?”  “Y-Yes.”  “I’ll try to guide you then.” 

An inconvenient silence takes over the place and it had never been so annoying. He gets up, turning his back to her and she goes under her blanket, trying to feel less unsuited.  “Hold on. I’ll wash my hands before... you know...”  “Second door to the right.” 

A few minutes later, Shawn is back and not so afraid. She looks at him and sees that his hairline is wet, he might probably had splashed some water on his face before returning.  “Are you okay?” She asks, feeling her chest heaving in concern.  “I’m good,” He closes the door with his foot and keeps his hands in the air, away from any object. “Sure you wanna keep going? You don’t have to-”  “I’m sure,” She nods and he sits at the end of the bed. “With that I’m even feeling like a real patient now.” She points at his hands with her chin and chuckles bending her knees. He follows her and giggles too. He can’t even believe how amazing she is, he feels like nothing in this world can gift her enough for being this good to him.  “You can, like, start from my pubic bone and then you can say what you remember, you know?” She incentivates him. “When you get to touch those parts we were seeing down in there, you’ll tell me what it is and what is it for.”  He nods and she shifts her body up closer to the headboard, making some space for him to come forward and slip one hand under the blanket.  “Don’t you want me to wear gloves?”  “I’m out of gloves in here but I don’t really mind.” She says and he’s just going with her flow. “Showed you my exams before the tests, so you also know that I don’t have anything you should worry about.”  She’s giving him so many reasons to leave his nervousness behind that he’s feeling like he’d forgotten for a moment that, on top of it all, they’re still friends. They’re not strangers. They should count on each other and this is what she wants him to do, this is what he wants her to do.  “Go on, I trust you.” Her sweet tone reaches his ears and he smiles at her, so happy to know that she’s there for him and, more than anything else, she sees in him a person that she can trust. It’s just priceless.  “And I trust you,” Shawn responds and she smiles back at him, feeling more comfortable against her pillows. “Excuse me.” He asks before touching her and she nods in confirmation, allowing him to go on. Shawn knows that this is not his body, so he must have her approval and excuse to touch her.  His palm is softly sliding along the expansion of her shin to her knee and inner thigh, looking her deep in the eyes, attentive to any sign that she’s not liking it so he can stop. He wants to show her that he doesn’t wanna hurt her or do something harmful, so he rubs his thumb from side to side, caressing her and showing that he’s being so careful. She looks at her own ceiling, trying to keep her breathing calm and remain herself that she suggested it, so she must stay true to her pure intentions and leave her dirty thoughts locked and forbidden.  He reaches the spot she told him to look for. He stops moving when he gets there and waits for her to give him another permission.  “What’re you touching?” She asks.  Shawn gets it as a chastise and lifts his hand up, widening his eyes. She slips her arm under the blanket and places it back to where it was, making him gulp and miss a heartbeat.  “I’m not asking you to leave, Mendes,” She laughs. “I’m asking you what’s this specific spot you’re touching right now. This is still a test.”  His eyes are still wide as ever, comprehending her words and looking for the answer in his mind.  “The pubic mound... Okay...” He answers more to himself and tries to remember the words she made him take notes about. “It’s... a fibroadipose tissue that stays on top of the bone and it divides into the labia majora on either side of the pudendal cleft.”  “Very good,” She praises and he smiles, actually wanting to scream in happiness for answering correctly and in tension, because her words made his nerves sparkle somehow. ‘Just breathe’ he says to himself as a mantra. “You can feel it if you want to.”  The tips of his fingers press lightly against it, choosing random spots to feel and then he lets go of it. He can read about it in the books where his gravity is going to be centered.  “Should I keep going?” He asks.  “Yes, please.” 

Oh God, not please.

Both of them getting a type of disquietude after this word in particular.  She didn’t mean to say it, she knows that ‘please’ doesn’t even fit correctly to the moment but somehow it escaped from her lips nearing a state of beg. She couldn’t let him know. This is still forbidden.  He swallows harshly and moves down slowly, almost reaching his next stop. 

“Okay, stop.” She says and he immediately stays still. “I’m gonna ask you something very embarassing but necessary.”  “...Alright?!...” Shawn eyes her with concentration, trying to understand if he did something wrong at any point.  “Lick your finger before touching this next spot,” Unable to look him in the eyes, she asks and covers her face. This makes him comfortable to remove his hand and lick his index finger before she can see him doing it. “You shouldn’t do this to your patients, but I’m very sensitive and when it’s all dry it might hurt a little.”  “Okay,” He gets back to where he was before and sets his hand back down on her. “Was I here?”  “Yup,” She says popping her ‘p’. “You can touch it now.”  His touch is now wet and cold, making her shiver slightly and it glides easily. She removes her hands from her face but keeps her eyes shut to focus on not getting wetter than his finger.  “Clitoris.”  “Nope.”  “No?”  “Try to remember about the first time I yelled at you downstairs.”  “Oh, alright.” He tilts his head down and laughs to himself. His finger is moving so delicately that it’s nearly tickling her heat. She shifts her ankles further just a little so she can see that flushy face of his, eyes now looking up as he tries to find a blank spot where his sight can help his imagination to picture what it looks like as he touches her. “Clitoral foreskin? Clitoral hood?”  “Hood is better.”  “Fine,” He grins. “It’s a mucocutaneous tissue that covers and protects the clitoris. It can fully cover the clit sometimes, but it also can just partly cover it.”  “Thought you’d never get it right, not gonna lie.” She confesses and he moves his pretty greenish eyes to look at her, and she finally reciprocates.  “Thought you trusted me!”  It’s so good to interact as they typically do. It’s so good to feel more normal and less awkard. The two of them could now feel their bodies relaxing and free to get back to joking and playing. Nothing’s really planned for ages before acting, it’s just natural. This is what they were looking for.  His cold calloused finger goes down shortly and she lets a sigh fly from her lips, instantly biting at her bottom one. She writhes sparsely, trying not to do what she’d normally do if they weren’t studying.  “Clitoris? Is it here?”  “M-hm.” “Erectile nub placed at the top of the vulva. It has around 8.000 nerve endings and blood supply. Would you mind if I see it?”  She shakes her head in denial and grabs the cover up to reveal her lower half, making it rest on her stomach.  Shawn takes his finger away for a moment to see the little nub and memorize where it is. He thinks he’d never seen something so beautiful in his life; he never thought it’d look this beautiful.  Totally compelled, he licks his digit again and touches her clit, differently from before. Now, he’s softly drawing tiny circles around it and she accidentaly moans lowly. The tip of his finger is sliding so deliciously that she couldn’t even notice the time when she showed such weakness.  “If you keep doing like this, you’re gonna turn me on and-”  “How sensitive is it?” He cuts her off and, to be honest, he wasn’t even listening. All of his concentration got directed to her clit, now swelling under his control.  “What?”  “How sensitive is it? With so many nerve endings, it must be really delicate. Isn’t it?”  She’s not quite understanding.  Shouldn’t he know this already? Or was he one of those guys who never finds a clit during sex?  “It’s sensitive enough to get me excited,” She warns but it’s not like he’s giving a single damn right now. “But if you press it hard, then it’ll hurt me bad. Like... you can add a little bit more of pressure...”  And he immediately does, watching the way his finger works carefully but performing firmly now. She exhales strongly, trying so hard not to lose her shit.  “A little bit more...” She demands and he obeys. Where is this going? She can’t answer herself now that this feels so good. His touch rounding her clit, sometimes going from side to side and he takes his time feeling all the extension of it. “Don’t go further than this, otherwise it’ll only harm me.”  This amount of pressure was just perfect for her taste. Shawn doesn’t even know about this, but he keeps going and he even leans closer to see it better. Now there was no hell, it was just heaven. Heaven in the way her face contorts everytime he hits the center of her clit; heaven in the way her chest is moving up and down, trying not to lose the pattern of her respiration; heaven in the way her eyes squinted – but no completely – peeking at him with some struggle. He stops eyeing her heat, saving the last information he got from it and looks at her, eyes practically dark.  “Let’s move on to-”  “Can I put my mouth on it?”  Her jaw falls.  Such a question she didn’t know she needed to hear today.  She knew she wanted to, but never knew she needed it so bad.  “Are you asking to eat me out, Mendes?” For a minute there, she thinks she’s dreaming. Dreaming wildly. She promptly supports her body on her elbows and tosses her blanket away from her body.  “I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” It’s like a force pushed him back to earth. He felt so intoxicated by her that his attention flew out to somewhere else. “I’m such a-”  “Do it.”  “What is it?”  “Do it,” She insists. Can’t miss the chance, can’t have him going back now. Not now. “You want it?” He nods kind of desperately. “Then show me what you can do.” She tilts her head to the side and smirks at him. His mouth forms an ‘o’ shape. Jesus Christ, she can get him around her finger so easily that he feels lucky that he was the one to get her around his finger previously. But how is he supposed to do this?  He decides to get started by kissing the inner part of her leg, planting wet kisses along her smooth skin and it feels so satisfying to have her skin exposing goosebumps under his touch. He’s getting closer and she sighs so sweetly that he’s hoping he’s doing the right thing.  The scent of her is driving him crazy, he can’t wait to know the taste.  “I-” He starts that old speech of explanation. He doesn’t want to but he feels like he needs to be honest with her and tell that he’s still a virgin. Lost and anxious to find himself. Find her.  “I know. I’ll guide you, don’t you worry about that.”  She’s just perfect. There’s no better definition inside his mind right now. He’s the opened book she loves to devour every single page of, absorbing the details and letting herself get immersed. She arranges her body on her bed to give him more space to lay down on his stomach and between her parted legs. When he finishes his trail of wet and hot kisses, she stands in one shoulder as her other arm goes to reach his brown curls that she loves so much.  “You can kiss it first,” She directs him. “See what it feels like against your lips and oh,” She moans because he wasted no time on licking his lips and kissing her clit. “G-Get yourself used to it, take your time to adjust yourself, no need to hurry.” But she didn’t really mean that. She does need the hurry, ‘cause she might collapse from this torture at any second.  Shawn tries the kissing, doing it from her clit and covering every inch of her lower lips then going back to the smaller ones. Over and over again, until he gets kinda bored. He wants to make her squirm like she said before in the kitchen. He wants to put his daydreams to a proof as quick as possible.  “You’re so wet,” He notices and is unaware of the effect it had on her. Her glistening pussy is inviting him and he wants to live in this for the rest of his days. He knows he has no experience, but this time, he doesn’t wait. He sinks his head down on her and his tongue is flattening against her heat to lick a stripe from her entrance to her clit, covering her with his mouth in order not to miss a single inch. And fuck she tastes so fuckin’ good. Nothing compared to his imagination.  “Oh my God,” Another moan slips out and she drops her head backwards, gotten my surprise. “That’s it...”  He embraces her thighs and her ankles are now resting on his back. His head buries in her pussy and she returns to look at him. It’s the best view in the world. Cheeks flushed and eyes closed, looking so serene and enjoying the taste of her like he never did with anything else. Shawn pulls her hips closer to him, growing hungrier and obsessed with this moment.  “Shawn!” She calls out and giggles, thinking that he’s also in the mood to play.  Not now.  “How hard can I suck you?” He pulls away, not going very far just to breathe and ask her.  “Hard enough to show me how bad you want me, not hard like a crazy animal would probably do.”  He groans against her heat and frowns in what he thinks it must be suffering. How can she get him so fragile to her? He feels his head spinning and she hasn’t even touched him back yet.  “What are you doing to me?” Shawn whispers, thinking out loud. He drags his tongue up and down against her boldly, mixing the wetness of his tongue with her wetness and it’s slow, painfully slow. She tugs his hair when she feels that tingling sensation down on her entrance and it spurs him on to try his first suction.  He does, giving her the best job he could do for the first time in his life.  “Close your mouth a little and suck harder.” She recommends and he promptly does. His lips are wrapped around her bundle of nerves as he licks her before, tongue gliding in circles and he’s keeping his tongue relaxed, what makes her see stars with this pleasant sensation. It’s so smooth and so tender that she’s afraid she’s going to pass out from the pleasure. He tries sucking for the second time and earns the perfect reaction from her: toes curling, eyes rolling to the back of her head and she gasps, body giving up against the mattress. She feels her clit throbbing and the way he sucks it is pushing her over the edge. It’s wet, it’s warm and so precise. “Fuck Shawn, fuck!” Her lungs are supplicating for air and she makes a good effort to look down at him again – eyeing her through his eyelashes – and, although he’s still finding a way to please her, he knows he’s being good, so he gives her a devilish smile. “Keep doing like this, baby, don’t stop...”  That’s it for him.  He tries to suck her again. It’s long he’s deliberately repeating series of suctions, having her crying out in her bed and arching her back. He tests it harder and faster and her hands instantly fly to grab his curls. Her moans are gradually turning into frantic screams and she’s trembling. Shawn Mendes never imagined he could get his friend shaking hectically with his mouth on her heat, sucking and licking her with his whole body and soul. His member is so hard inside his sweatpants but he doesn’t care, as long as she’s enjoying it, then he didn’t need something more. And he thinks she looks impossibly prettier with her beautiful lips parted to free her whimpers, sometimes smirking down at him to tease him; hair getting messier than her body quivering and being stopped by his large hands, caressing the sides of her waist and traveling down to the sides of her bum and legs, holding them forcefully so she wouldn’t escape from his touch.  “Shawn,” She gulps before moving on, throat dry from moaning uninterruptedly. “Pull away, I’m gonna come.”  With her clit gently tugged between his plump red lips, he shakes his head from side to side in denial lazily and it’s a new sensation to her, so so so good that her vision gloes blurry. Shawn just revealed himself not only stubborn in his studies but also in bed, and she’s so eager to dominate him like this...  He remembers about all the things they should be studying right now and maps her core to find her entrance with his index finger. Just as she taught him, he licks the digit and thrust it inside of her as soon as he finds it, bringing his mouth back to her clit to suck rapidly as his finger moves slowly. She fights back a loud scream, covering her mouth as she feels her pussy aching deliciously, searching for its release.  “Can you take two?” Shawn feels her walls squeezing his finger and doubts that she can keep another one.  “Yes, please.” She says through gritted teeth and it’s good to give this word the real meaning she wanted to give before. He pushes another finger into her and she moans once more, she doesn′t know how long she can wait. He thrusts the fingers so gingerly, not sure about what to do and what pace to pick. Was he hurting her?  “You’re so tight...” He comments so innocently, he thought that it wouldn’t be this constricted. He starts to imagine how heavenly his cock would feel hugged by her dripping pussy.  “Mendes,” She says under her breath. “I need you to go faster.”  “Like this?” He picks up his rhythm shyly.  “More.”  His digits are covered in her juices and moving with ease. She feels that knot on her stomach tightening and about to explode.  “More.” She begs and broken sobs are slipping past her lips. He goes deeper, fingers completely disappearing inside of her. “Right there! Oh, right there,” He finds her spot and her eyes roll to the back of her head once more, making Shawn dig the nails of his free hand into the skin of her thigh and suck at her bundle of nerves as fast as his fingers are working now. “Do it like this.” She can’t raise her hand right now to show due to her weakness but Shawn’s eyes are quick to find her fingers moving in a ‘come here’ motion and he immediately gives it to her. He can’t comprehend exactly where he’s taking her, but when she stops moaning and her legs starts shaking, he understands it. She’s feeling every inch of her core pulsating as her orgasm washes over her body and he can’t believe he just made her come. His fingers are slowing down and he pulls his mouth away, looking at her body coming down of her high. He removes his fingers slow and carefully and gives one last lick, catching what she released, and one last suck, her back arching for the last time.  He waits for her to settle down and get back to her senses before doing anything else. And when she does, she glances at him and silently invites him to come closer.  “You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” She taps his strong chest as he crawls over her, knees supported by the mattress under her parted thighs and upper half covering her front. He must be kidding.  “Not really...” He vents, embarassed but glad that he provided her something nice. “But did... Did this just ruin what we have?”  “I honestly couldn’t care less if it did,” She spits out and he fears her next words. “I couldn’t fucking wait to have you like this since the very first day we spoke.”  “Would it be weird if I told you I feel the same way?”  “Nope. But that’s something you can save for later,” She pulls him by the shirt and pecks his lips, savouring the taste of herself on his lips. “I wanna make you feel good first. What do you think about that?”  “Glad you finally asked.” 

[sweetsweetnathan]

The Imperial Dialogues #1: War and Peace

Varis: “Peace talks are over, boy. I have judged your Alliance and found it wanting. Why do you terry? Do your masters not cry out for your safe return?”

Robyn: “Relax, your Radiance. I wear many colors... The Maelstrom, the Scions, the Alliance... But you might be interested to know that I answer to none of them.”

Varis: “Oh? How utterly expected of an Alliance agent to wear his traitorous ways as a badge of honor. The Empire does not hold the unfettered in such regard as Eorzea seems to.”

Robyn: “I suppose not. But I do not mention my lack of convictions just to show off, Emperor. I would have words with you. Words apart from the Alliance’s ears.”

Varis: “Hmph. Is this the part where you promise me all the Alliance’s secrets so long as I make your life a comfortable one?”

Robyn: “Heheheh, no... No, if only my desires were so rational. I am not here to brag, and I’m not here to defect. I am here to ask you questions. Not questions about politics. Questions about you, Varis.”

Varis: “Truly? Why should I indulge such trifles?”

Robyn: “Why not? After all, we may never get the chance to speak again. There will be a battle tomorrow. I might die. You might die. How often have you gotten to speak as yourself? You’re over there bearing the weight of all that armor... But there is a man underneath it, isn’t there?”

Varis: “...I will allow you this one kindness. But let it not be said that Emperor Varis of Garlemald is without humanity.”

Robyn: “Thank you, your Radiance. I wanna start with something simple, so... Have you ever been to war?”

Varis: “Yes.”

Robyn: “Mm.”

Varis: “...”

Robyn: “I was expecting a more verbose answer.”

Varis: “It’s a trivial question; Garleans’ lives are war. Artists compete with other artists for prestige and recognition. Children compete with children in academia and sport. Military service is mandatory, and when a Garlean has cried enough in training, they can then laugh on the battlefield.”

Robyn: “Military service is compulsory? Can’t say I’m surprised. Is it a temporary arrangement?”

Varis: “Yes. Each citizen is required to serve for two years. There were times when this service could be deferred, but reforms under my grandfather led to this practice being abolished-- too many members of the Imperial court were allowing their children to shirk their duties.”

Robyn: “For how long did you serve in the military?”

Varis: “Forty five years.”

Robyn: “What?! ...I mean... I guess it makes sense, but...”

Varis: “But what? Do I strike you as an optimistic, wide-eyed youth? No, you knew I was an old man. Let this be a lesson, ‘Captain’ Sawyer. When you go afield tomorrow and use your barbaric witchcraft to take Garlean lives, remember this moment. Remember the feeling of struggling to conceive of forty-five years of dedication to your countrymen. You, who refuses to call his direct military superiors his master, cannot begin to imagine the love and pride Garleans feel for their country and the people in it.”

Robyn: “Y-yeah, yeah... Okay. You’re right. You’re right. May I continue asking questions? I won’t deny that what you’re saying is some serious food for thought. But we cannot dwell on it. May I go on?

Varis: “...Proceed with your questions.”

Robyn: “Alright, so you spent forty five years in the military. What was it like when you first joined?”

Varis: “It was a more peaceful time. I do not remember much. I remember remembering my training, but after so many years my career has become my training. Later memories have supplanted old ones. One still remains, however: I remember a man I met in training named Cash.”

Robyn: “Cash? That’s not a very Garlean-sounding name.”

Varis: “Appropriate, as he wasn’t Garlean. He was conscripted from a province called Otowa.”

Robyn: “Wait. You, a member of the royal family, entered the military and trained with a conscript from the provinces?”

Varis: “Yes.”

Robyn: “Was he a particularly skilled conscript? How did that happen?”

Varis: “I believe you’re operating under the false impression that the royal family is given special treatment within the military. While it’s unavoidable that the Empire’s lesser elements tend to seek favor by such means, it’s a matter of policy that the royal family be held to the same standard as everyone else, if not higher.”

Robyn: “Wow, uh... People might want to know about that.”

Varis: “Truly?”

Robyn: “Yeah. I think there’s an assumption in Eorzea that the Garlean royal family sits idly at the top of the Empire, throwing peasants into the meat grinder whenever it might improve their own luxuries.”

Varis: “...”

Robyn: “Pardon me, Emperor, I sincerely hope I didn’t offend. I am very much not of that mind now. You were--”

Varis: “Eorzea projects its own flaws onto us. Eorzeans live only for themselves. Like you they cannot imagine living a moral life.”

Robyn: “It is tragic that there are misunderstandings between our people. If only there were some way other than war for them to get to know each other.”

Varis: “How exceptionally clever you must feel for that comment. Did you practice that one, or did it come to you all at once?”

Robyn: “Anyways, you mentioned a young man named ‘Cash’. What’s the story there?”

Varis: “Right, right, right... Cash was a young man that arrived at training shortly before I did. Garlean military training camps have rituals involving newcomers, as I expect all do. The new blood is beset upon by the second-newest batch, attacked and left to consider a meaning of pain that they might not have known before. Cash was among those sent to attack me. I cannot recall why, but I took particular issue with him besting me in combat. Perhaps it was that he was from the provinces... But alas, the rivalry escalated until our instructors were forced to step in.”

Robyn: “How did they handle the situation?”

Varis: “They had a method developed already. They had us stand together in front of our cabin-- recruits stayed in cabins, you see-- and they told us ‘Varis, Cash is now your best friend. Cash, Varis is now your best friend. When one of you has a job, you’re both going to do it. If one succeeds and the other fails, you’re both going to be punished as if you both failed.’ We didn’t appreciate the gesture at first, but in time it became natural for us to work together. We slept and awoke at the same times, ate at the same times, we worked together better than anyone in our unit.”

Robyn: “Interesting. So--”

Varis: “Have you ever heard of the Battle of Still Water, Captain Sawyer?”

Robyn: “No, I have not.”

Varis: “Mm. It’s not a terribly consequential battle in the grand scheme of military history. Though of course, it was the most important battle in military history for the twelve thousand Garleans who parished in it.”

Robyn: “Twelve thou-- I am very sorry to hear that. Was... Cash one of them?”

Varis: “No, Cash lived. I had been struck in the chest with an arrow, however, and was lied low in a sport stadium some miles away from the battle line. I remember it was a bright sunny day in that stadium, but still I pulled a blanket around me. I was cold, you see... I was lying there, focusing on breathing through the pain of the stitches, when Cash came up to me. He asked me if I had been injured, and I said yes. He asked if I was alright, and I said that I was cold, but that I felt fine. I didn’t mention the pain because I didn’t want to worry him. Then he got a terribly scared look on his face and once more asked how I felt, and if I was feeling any pain. Still not wanting to worry my friend, I smiled and told him that I felt fine. He seemed to be overcome with a pained look on his face, then walked away then and there.”

Robyn: “...”

Varis: “Years later I met Cash again. This was all years before I became Emperor, you see... And I asked him why he left me there in that stadium at Still Water. He told me that when he found me, I was under a blanket and baking in the sun, yet I complained that I felt cold. He said that he had spoken to many people complaining of the cold on that sunny day, and that all of them had done so shortly before succumbing to their wounds. He was afraid that if he stayed and spoke with me, he would’ve watched me die right in front of him.”

Robyn: “My word... I...”

Varis: “...”

Robyn: “...”

Varis: “...”

Robyn: “H-have you ever felt fear like that?”

Varis: “I thought you might ask that question. Yes, I have. It was in the Battle of Still Water, as a matter of fact, right before I was moved out of the city and into the stadium. My squad had come under fire, which was when I sustained my injury, and we cleared out a building for shelter. Several other squads rallied to us and there was much fighting around that block, but I took part in none of it due to my injury. I remember one of my squad mates, a fellow named Randous, came into the room where the injured were being kept. He told us that we were all going to be fine. He told us that if the enemy wanted to get to us they had to go through him, and that they weren’t going to get through him. But he also told us to keep our guns close at hand. We have a code word for going into rooms that we know have Imperials in them: We say ‘Empire, Empire!’ to let fellow Imperials know we’re about to enter, and to not shoot when we do. Randous told us that if someone comes through the door at any time that night without saying ‘Empire, Empire’ we were to open fire on the doorway until morning came.”

Robyn: “That must have been a long night.”

Varis: “Mm. I sat there, arrow still sticking out of my chest, listening to the battle rage outside. I could feel it through the wall. I could hear my comrades dying. I sat with my gun ready to fire on the doorway into our room and thought about what Randous said. I thought about how if someone came through the door without shouting ‘Empire’, then that meant that Randous was dead. And if Randous was dead, then everyone between the entrance to the building and Randous must also be dead. They were all men I trained with. I felt confident that I would survive. Our enemies would likely recognize me and take me prisoner if they could. But I couldn’t help but think how foolish that would be. That I live while so many of my comrades died. So I decided: If someone came through that door without shouting ‘Empire’, I was going to open fire. But I would disallow the enemy to part me from my friends, and I would save the last bullet for myself.”

[jedimaesteryoda]

The Mandalorian S1 Review

Warning Spoilers Ahead:

I admit I had my doubts when I first heard about the series, given my opinion of the Disney Star Wars universe has never been particularly high. I thought it might go the way of the sequel trilogy (my thoughts on the last one).

However, to give Jon Favreau credit, he actually does a pretty decent job. The show is basically a Wild West-version of Star Wars that takes place on the frontier with bounty hunters, homesteaders, mercenaries, roving gangs of bandits and corrupt officials. 

I can’t go into it without mentioning the story it’s partially based on the manga, Lone Wolf and Cub. The story follows a ronin in Tokugawa Japan who travels as an assassin for hire with his son (an infant at the beginning) after being framed and betrayed by a powerful Imperial official. He cares for his son while being on the run as the Imperial government declares them both outlaws, and puts bounties on their heads. 

This show gets right what the movies in the sequel trilogy didn’t. For starters, this show avoids exposition and instead relies more heavily on visual storytelling, slow pacing and info revealed offhand through brief bits of dialogue. The show does an excellent job of visual storytelling as everything about this character is shown through actions, body language and a little dialogue. The first half of the first episode tells much of what the viewer needs to know about him.

Mando is introduced by coming into a bar, and killing a bunch of men harassing some alien. In that moment he shows that he is a skilled gunslinger and fighter. The alien initially thanks him, only for it to be revealed that the only reason Mando helped him was not out of a feeling of justice or simply wanting to help someone out, but because he came to capture him for the bounty on his head. Mando isn’t some white knight, but a mercenary who acts generally out of self-interest. We learn that Mando doesn’t like droids when he refuses a ride on a transport from one, and instead preferring the more beat up transport. He is also a man of few words, rebuffing attempts by the alien to engage in conversation, and he speaks only when he feels he needs to. 

He gets his jobs from Greef Karga, a disgraced former magistrate (who likely lost his position as a magistrate for shady dealings) who heads the bounty hunters guild, and like Mando and the other guild members is generally an amoral, self-interested individual who looks out for himself. 

However, we also see that Mando isn’t a completely selfish, amoral rogue as we see him adhere to the code of his Mandalorian culture (”This is the way”), and give some of his bounty to the foundlings (orphans). We also see flashbacks of him as a child, undoubtedly during the Clone Wars, as Super battle droids attack his town.

We don’t need him to outright state his motives for saving some strange child given we see he always save a piece of his beskar iron payment for the Mandalorian foundlings, showing he has a soft spot for orphans given he himself was one, compounded with the child saving his life. We know that Mando hates droids, but he doesn’t need to tell us why as we see that in a flashback of his town being massacred by Separatist battle droids. However, we also see him grow past that as he is stricken when IG-11 decides to sacrifice himself to help the rest of the group.

The start of the protagonist's journey comes when he receives a job that should give him the biggest payment of his career up to that point. He is contracted by an old Imperial official to capture someone in exchange for a large payment in beskar iron, which he knows could be used to make the full Mandalorian armor he wants. 

It takes him to a planet where he meets Kuiil, a moisture farmer who helps out Mando many times. He speaks matter-of-factly, often ending his sentences with his go-to phrase “I have spoken.” Being an Ugnaught, like other members of his race, he was enslaved by the Empire, but he managed to buy his freedom. He likely did so through his skills as a mechanic, as he managed to help Mando rebuild his ship and repair and reprogram IG-11. He is very proud, but not haughty and willing to go out of his way to help out a complete stranger at no benefit to himself such as helping Mando get back the parts for his ship and helping to repair it. He even goes with Mando far away from home on a dangerous mission. It’s also his reprogramming of IG-11 that ultimately ends up saving our protagonist and his party in the end. 

To get to the prize, Mando has to fight his way through a compound with armed guards with the unexpected help of IG-11, an assassin droid. The entire sequence is a Western-style shootout which is well-done, and Mando demonstrates his skills and smarts such as using the heavy repeating blaster to shoot down the blast door. He goes in, and is surprised to find his target is actually an infant of Yoda’s species. 

His relationship with Baby Yoda starts off with him shooting the droid, because it was about to shoot the baby. He does defend the baby, but he does it at the beginning simply out of self-interest, ie he is getting a huge payload for this job and he needs the child alive in order to get it. He even recklessly puts the child in danger by taking the baby with him when going to face the Mudhorn, simply because he doesn’t want to keeps his eyes off his prize. However, in that moment the child demonstrates that he can use the Force, lifting the Mudhorn off the ground, saving Mando’s life and giving him the opportunity he needs to slay it. After that, one can see him warm up to Baby Yoda. One can see it when he tells the stormtroopers to “take it easy” when lugging the cradle, and he even uncharacteristically asks about the fate of the child when he delivers it to the Imperials.

Even after he gets his payment and a new Mandalorian cuirass, you can tell the child is on his mind. Mando is about to leave for his next job, and try to get his mind off him, only to find the top of the handle for the ship removed by the baby earlier. He pauses, and then shuts off the ship. He doesn’t need to say anything, we know he is genuinely concerned for the baby, and later breaks into the Imperial compound and rescues him. However, all the other bounty hunters who tried and failed to capture the child before, go out to stop him. Even Greef who was friendly towards Mando as long as he was making himself useful to the Guild (and by extension, Greef himself), instantly turns on him. He manages to escape thanks to the interventions of the rest of the Mandalorians. Mando finds himself having to leave town being pursued not just by Imperials but by the Bounty Hunters Guild with bounty hunters on his tail. The episode is called “The Sin,” which refers to his act of rescuing the child. While any person can admit that he did the right thing, he broke the code of the Bounty Hunters Guild, and that action ultimately is what turns him into a fugitive. That none of the people he killed as a bounty hunter ever got him into trouble with the law, but doing the opposite and rescuing an innocent does, shows the skewed ethics and morality that govern the world he inhabits.  

He flies to a backwoods planet in “Sanctuary,” where as the title suggests, he is hoping the planet’s isolation would give him the perfect hiding spot until he comes across a former Rebel shock trooper, Cara Dune. Cara Dune is shown to be a skilled fighter by being able to go toe-to-toe with Mando when we first meet her, and has the viewer easily believe that she is a former commando. Now that the war is largely over, finds herself out of work and without anything in the way of a home or purpose, not that different from Mando’s situation when they first meet. 

He is about to leave until in a plot straight from a classic spaghetti Western, a poor farming community approaches the gunslinger for help against outlaws. He initially refuses given the poor payment, but only accepts after he learns of the community’s isolation, thinking it would be the perfect hiding spot. You see him work with the Cara to help the villagers defend themselves, and after the bandits had been routed, he decides to leave the child there, thinking he will be safe and happy there. He even refuses an offer to stay, saying he doesn’t belong there (another trope straight from a Western a la The Searchers). However, in a seemingly happy ending to this episode, cold, dark reality inserts itself in the form of a bounty hunter appearing and nearly killing the child were it not for the intervention of Cara. He is then again forced to leave with the uncomfortable knowledge that they may never be safe from others coming looking for them. In this episode, you actually see him develop as a character, putting the child’s interests above his own. He doesn’t agree to help the villagers until he learns their village is a place where he could hide the baby, and potentially have the child live in peace.

Among the episodes, 5 and 6 (”The Gunslinger” and “The Prisoner”) are easily the weakest, as well as both being the only two episodes written by writers other than Favreau. The former has him working with a neophyte bounty hunter, Toro Calican, to capture a wanted mercenary and assassin, Fennec Shand. The latter has him help an old cohort, Ran, free a prisoner from a New Republic prison ship. Both plots are just criminals and wanna-be bounty hunters allying with him just to screw him over in the end, and neither episode really contributes to the overarching narrative. At least “Sanctuary” had some heart in it, and we got to be introduced to interesting new characters that would go on to play a larger role in the story arc, as well as show some character development for the protagonist. 

It picks up again with the final two episodes, “The Reckoning” and “The Redemption,” as Mando returns home per Greef Karga’s invitation ostensibly to help them get rid of the Imperial presence. Of course, after Baby Yoda heals Greef’s mortal wound he has a change of heart. He reveals the whole thing was a setup (I know, big surprise there at this point), and he decides to help Mando. They end up having to fight a new enemy: Moff Gideon. Through dialogue from other characters and his own actions such as killing his own men, Gideon is revealed to be a largely cold, ruthless figure who oversaw the wiping out of the Mandalorians. 

It ends in a shootout, and we get to learn our protagonist’s name and see the face behind the helmet for the first time. In his final fight, he manages to take down Gideon in a TIE fighter after having earned his jetpack. He then refuses an offer to stay by Greef, and leaves the planet off to new adventures. However, as Jawas are scrapping the TIE fighter for parts, Gideon cuts his way out with the Darksaber, the lightsaber of the leader of the Mandalorians, suggesting that his part in the story isn’t done. 

As for the child dubbed “Baby Yoda,” he has no name. Being an infant, he can’t have much in the way of personality other than being precocious, and he does seem to genuinely care for Mando. The child is Force-sensitive, and completely capable of using the Force as shown by lifting the Mudhorn, healing Greef and redirecting the blast from a flame projector. However, he is still just a baby, only using his Force powers randomly rather than consistently, and as such, can’t really be relied upon. Nothing demonstrates this more than in the final episode where under fire by a TIE fighter, Greef says “Baby, do the magic hand thing,” only for the child to respond by simply waving his hand. This works as it has the mystical part of the story, the Force, used in a constrained manner, at certain moments without overwhelming the plot. 

As a result, the battles are still largely won through Mando’s fighting skills and smarts. The action sequences are good with plenty of Western-style shootouts such as when Mando attacks the compound, when he leaves town against other bounty hunters and in the final episode against Imperials. The shootouts also serve a role in the plot in serving as markers for the main character’s growth. The first shootout has him using a heavy repeating blaster and working with IG-11 to take out the fighters defending the child. The second shootout has him going up against bounty hunters wanting the child in hopes of the reward very much like he was at the beginning with even Greef referring to the child as “the bounty,” and he is saved by his own family, the Mandalorians. The last shootout has him again using a heavy repeating blaster and working with IG-11 like in the first shootout, but the roles are reversed as now his party is the one defending the child with the droid that originally tried to kill the child instead rescuing him. 

The Mandalorian is for the most part a good show, and a breath of fresh air for the new Star Wars universe. The action scenes are excellent, but any show/movie good or bad can do that. What really makes the show work is the storytelling, and how it follows the main character on his journey, both externally and internally, going from amoral mercenary to hero. 

Hopefully, Season 2 continues along that path and we get to see more of the character’s growth as well as more fight sequences as this is the way. 

[violetsystems]

#personal

I had to clear the porch of all my plants yesterday.  I was asked to move them by my landlord’s wife so that dirt didn’t get into the air conditioner below.  Yesterday the husband banged on my door and read me the riot act.  In his mind, this is not something I argue with.  And honestly over the years, it’s been cheaper not to complain.  That is until you realize you are cloistered into a literal daily soap opera with everyone’s hearts on their sleeve.  Including the police.  I honestly don’t have the capacity to worry about anything except my own private space these days.  Everybody seems to know something about me on the surface but not the whole story.  People brush by with projected questions every day.  They snoop.  They follow.  They try to get a read on what I’m thinking.  Which boggles my fucking mind because I’ve written it here weekly for over five years now.  Some people on here know me more intimately than anyone in real life.  I think that is special and a large reason why I’ve kept things very ethereal and romantic here.  I don’t force myself into anything or anyone’s life.  And yet I find myself encroached on in such a unsafe and disastrous way I don’t know where to go anymore.  I’m stuck.  The last three responses on LinkedIn were women I didn’t know.  The first from the post office I was nice to then ignored.  The second was an unsolicited request from a student at NYU.  I ignored that one.  Then an all too obvious ghost profile from Atlanta that worked as a makeup artist for Ulta.  All of them I found a light way of saying I’m on the platform for professional reasons.  All of them I feared were catfishing especially when the conversations turned to “do you wanna hang out?”  The last one was a little more human and I need connections.  Professional ones.  My last job and everything with it just ghosted me in the most heinous way possible.  I’m in a vulnerable position seemingly.  And everyone seems to think this is the final blow.  They’re closing in for the kill.  They’ve surrounded themselves around me.  I can’t escape.  The whole neighborhood has me on trial every square inch I walk.  None of it makes sense unless you count the police down the block making sure I’ve been made contact with.  It’s surreal and not so obviously unconstitutional.  It’s my life every day now.  It sounds like shit out of a spy movie.  And this is what my life has become.  And if I talk about it openly I’m the first to be shoved in the oven and gaslighted.  How did it come to this?  I don’t really care.  The lesson I have learned from all of this is that time and distance will tell.  Nobody knows how drastically my financial state has changed other than my bank.  And this entire time being tortured, followed, analyzed and picked over I’ve just been building up equity week by week.  The plants didn’t go to waste.  I rearranged them in the bathroom.  It made things less scary.  The only place where I feel safe anymore.  Inside the locked doors of my apartment.

If I were to sum it all up with one phrase.  This is the phrase.  What the literal fuck is wrong with people?  The answer is too dark to repeat.  This is just how people are.  You can be above it.  Or you can sink to the bottom with the rest of the trash that floats down there.  I tend to stay away from everyone.  People have year after year pinned the blame on me.  And yet no one can stop reaching out to me or pressuring me to be a part of something I’m not.  Welcome to society I guess.  It makes me angry.  And the one thing I’ve had the luxury of not being the last few weeks is angry.  I’m not the hulk.  I am hiding a blinding rage inside me.  But it’s not my own.  And I realize sometimes that for all the shit people try with me, it’s a sure sign none of it works.  I’m somewhere else entirely.  Wondering if I should seek out a job in China next year and prepare my language skills the rest of the year.  Wondering if I will even have to work at all after all of this.  It’s all going to cave in at some point.  Nobody can go through what I’ve gone through and just disappear.  Unless someone really feels they need to off me.  Which is a fear I live with for no real purpose.  I don’t really gain anything from being exiled and ignored.  Some great big test year after year about how one day I’ll be “discovered.”  What the fuck am I doing down here writing for anyway?  I’m 46.  I’d play Khan in a Star Trek reboot.  But really I’m trying to connect just like everyone else.  And people have consistently taken this as a vulnerability or a mental illness to manipulate and turn on me.  That’s just the evil of human nature.  Life teaches me that evil people will just tell you it’s in their dna.  They fuck into existence enough tax havens.  The panama papers made sure of bringing that to light.  But here I am an only child with no legacy other than my parents who one day will cease to be.  I’ll be out here paying my taxes until my dying breath while people use them to fund police actions so blatantly corrupt you’d better be putting the rest into a good lawyer.  Chicago is a city of lawsuits.  And I fear sometimes it’s just a con on top of a con.  They had it set up.  Destroy my life and offer me no choice but to accept their version of what I should be.  And they got caught with their pants down so much that I feel it’s not so much a cover up but an orgy of greed and corruption.  Chicago is no better than Donald Trump in that respect.  Neither are both sides of the political coin people roll down the street to you as bait.  You can make a change.  I can actually.  I received an email that my vote by mail ballot was accepted.  The email account that wasn’t locked out after twenty years of service to an art school that I gave my very soul to.  No student loans to show for it either.

I can tell you how this all ends.  It ends great for me.  And bad for anyone who is tied to holding me back.  I know this because a year ago I was far worse off.  And I have been the only person I can ultimately rely on these days.  My own good judgement.  My own legacy which people cast doubt on.  My body of work that reaches past a job that never wanted me to be me.  I learned a lot about being inclusive.  How to be an ally in my own way.  I’ve seen that respected and appreciated down here.  I’ve put it into practice in my life in my search for a new career.  I’m not looking for a job.  I don’t need to be plugged back into some matrix of human capital for the sake of maximizing the GDP.  I’m not interested in people forcing their ideas of what is best for me in a hidden, corrupt fashion.  The big brother nation state here is nothing to brag about.  We are far worse than China in that respect.  Americans are at the mercy of capital.  We are bullied by landlords, developers, politicians, police, institutions, and countless other mobs.  When we disagree, we are put on trial and hunted until we admit we are wrong.  We are watched with the human eye from the shadows like a rabid animal breathing down our necks.  No luxury of the fourth wall of CCTV.  We are conned and herded into ghettos and experimented on for marketing pogroms.  We are told we are irrational when we question a 2 trillion dollar valued company’s need for 30% of profits from independent developers.  We are sick and tired of hearing your endless excuses.  We see how full of shit you are.  And some of us revolt.  Some of us tear it down.  And some of us sit back knowing full well this is the way it has ended for some of us.  My love of this country.  My freedom that isn’t free.  The lie I live from day to day.  Sounds very depressing.  I must have brought it on myself.  And I did partially.  Trying to get close to something real.  I got very close to myself.  I ended up healing myself in ways I didn’t know I needed.  And I ended up being in a very different place while people around me stayed the same.  I feel tied down.  I feel torn apart.  But mostly I feel indifferent because you can’t hurt me any more if I don’t believe you have any power over me.  And this is the boring nature of my life now.  I sit back and plan like I always do.  Get things in order.  Know what my rights are.  Know how badly they’ve been violated.  And know the world is just a planet in the universe.  A planet we both share.  Air we both breathe.  Private and intimate thoughts that are stuck inside my head only to be pried out with forceful hands.  They’ve tried for years.  I have too many scars to show for it.  And they’ve never heard the secret out of my mouth.  Or if they did they never really listened.  It’s not about them.  It’s about us.  <3 Tim

[pufflyhallows]

Professional Players

Pairing: Oliver Wood x reader

Request: Hello!!! I was wondering, if you're up for it, to write for Oliver Wood. Problem is I don't even know what I want really. I want something with feels and fluff, but I want something that is so Oliver, but he is so in his feels like do you see his feels for Quidditch?? Anyways, if the reader could be a year younger? To really give him another level of caring like guiding through life kind of way..I don't know my boyfriend brought something like that up the other day and Oliver seems to fit that.

a/n: I hope this is close to what you wanted! thanks again for requesting, I really enjoyed writing this one and I hope you enjoy reading it just as much <3

Summary: Oliver needs help to decide the next move on his career and you’re there for him. 

Warnings: none

Word count: 3,109

*******

Quidditch. What a lovely word. It brings so many emotions to your core whenever you hear it. Excitement, happiness, euphoria, joy, sometimes anger, but mostly love. The reason why that word is so dear to you is that it reminds you of the sweetest person you know. Your boyfriend.

Being in a relationship with a boy rather… obsessed with Quidditch is a patience exercise. In the beginning, you didn’t really like the sport, but you learned to love it just like him. And everything was so much more fun once you two started enjoying it together.

When you first saw him play after you started dating, the sport became something so wild. You never thought you could flinch and gasp as much as you did that day. The concern and fear of him getting hurt were all too real. He had been seriously hurt before and you were afraid it could happen again. But it didn’t. It never did. As he liked to say, you were his lucky charm.

Oliver was a very focused and determined boy. A little stubborn too. That particular trait of his character caused a few fights throughout your relationship, but nothing you two couldn’t work out. He had many qualities that you cherished. He was understanding, supportive, caring and kind. Oliver was perfect.

You weren’t any different through his eyes. You were the best thing that ever happened to him and he always liked to make sure you knew it.

One lazy Sunday afternoon, you were sitting by the fireplace and reading a random book you had found in the Common Room. There weren’t many students around since most of them would go out and enjoy the sunny free day instead of staying inside.

‘Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,  that I shall say good night till it be morrow.’

It was a very sad and tragic story. It must’ve been a muggle book.

“Did you know Puddlemere United is Dumbledore’s favorite team?” your boyfriend asked as he sat on the couch, dragging you away from the world you were immersed in.

“Oh, hey!” you greeted him, “How was practice? And no, I didn’t.”

“It was nice. Listen, they’ve just sent me this,” he handed you an envelope and you frowned.

“Who?”

He pointed at the information written on the paper and you gasped.

“Puddlemere United!” your eyes widened, “Is this…?”

“Read it,” Oliver spoke through an amused smirk.

Greetings, Mr. Wood.

We have followed your performance and ability development throughout the years and we’ve concluded your profile is exactly what we look for in our players.

The Puddlemere United Team would be honored to have you in the position of reserve Keeper, gracing us with your skills and experience in field.

Please take your time to make your decision and don’t hesitate to contact us. We hope you join our team as soon as you finish your studies.

Best regards, Jacob Winston Puddlemere United’s Manager

“Oh my God, Oliver!” you looked at him with the biggest smile, “This is amazing!”

You rushed into his arms and hugged him tightly.

“I’m so proud of you,” you whispered in his ear.

“Thank you, love,” he smiled as you sat back, “But I also got this.”

Oliver took the Puddlemere United letter from your hand and gave you another envelope.

You opened it feeling curious.

Dear, Mr. Wood.

It is with great pleasure that I write to offer you the position of reserve Keeper in the Chudley Cannons’ Team. After several months of keeping up with your progress and training, we’ve decided you are the best option for us.

We hope you accept our invitation and join us as soon as possible. The Chudley Cannons look forward to your reply.

Sincerely, Ragmar Dorkins Chudley Cannons’ Manager

You laughed. Your boyfriend was one of the most talented people you’ve ever met, so it wasn’t a surprise that two famous teams wanted him to be part of them. Still, you laughed nervously.

“I… don’t know what to say,” you looked at him, “This is more than amazing.”

“I’m still trying to process it,” he chuckled, “It’s so surreal.”

“I am so, so proud of you, Oliv. Congratulations,” you hugged him again. This time, tears of joy insisted to overflow your eyes and you took your time before sitting back.

“Thank you,” Oliver replied in a choked voice. Now that was a surprise.

“Are you… Are you crying, love?” you asked as you reached out and gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“Y-Yeah, sorry,” he rubbed his eyes before the tears could fall down.

“What? Don’t be sorry! I’m just... surprised,” you chuckled lightly and caressed his face with your thumb, “You’re emotional. That’s completely normal. Don’t suppress it.”

“Thank you, Y/N,” he sighed relieved that you weren’t judging him. You never did, why would you?

You hugged him one more time.

“So…” you sat straight, “Which one are you choosing?”

“I have no idea yet,” he admitted.

“Well, you know I don’t know much about sports, but I can help,” you offered.

“That would be great. Thanks again, doll,” he gave you a shy smile.

“But let’s relax for now. I can see you’re tense,” you lay back on the sofa and pulled him to lie on top of you.

“I am, actually. I’m nervous too,” Oliver spoke against your neck, giving you a tingling sensation.

“Everything is going to be just fine,” you whispered as you started running your fingers up and down his back, “I’m sure we’ll find the answers you need and you’ll make the right decision.”

“I really hope so.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after Oliver received his letters, you were already in the library doing your research. You found very interesting books that gave you very interesting information, but you were still struggling to figure out how it could help you.

You read about both teams’ histories and all about the leagues and cups. By the end of the day, you finally truly understood Quidditch and you sensed you had the answers your boyfriend needed.

Feeling happy and excited, you left the library and headed back to the Common Room.

Oliver was chatting with Harry Potter and Ron Weasley when you approached him with an optimistic look on your face.

“Hi,” you greeted the three boys.

“Hey! Where were you?” Oliver asked curiously.

“At the library. I know all the Quidditch fouls now,” you joked.

“Oh, really?” he smiled at you, “Well, Ron was telling me about why I should choose the Cannons.”

“They’re simply the best team to ever exist,” Ron said matter-of-factly.

“But they haven’t won the League since 1892,” you reasoned.

“They haven’t?” Oliver seemed surprised, “But at least they were fourth in 1992.”

“Actually, they were ninth,” you corrected him politely.

Your boyfriend looked at you in a way he had never done before. He seemed… shocked, and slightly embarrassed.

“So what?” Ron protested, “That doesn’t mean they’re not a good team.”

“I’m pretty sure it d-“

“You’re right, Ron,” Oliver interrupted you, “Now if you excuse us, Y/N and I need to talk.”

“Bye,” you waved at the two boys as you followed your boyfriend to his dorm.

“I think Ron is a bit deluded,” you commented once you were alone with Oliver.

“Yeah. Listen, were you reading about Chudley Cannons at the library?” the boy asked and you nodded, “Y/N! You didn’t have to.”

“Of course I did! I told you I would help.”

“But you spent the whole day there. I thought you were studying important things.”

“This is important, Oliv. It’s your future.”

“You didn’t have to, Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes. Your boyfriend’s stubbornness was the only annoying thing about him.

“Do you wanna know what I found out?” you proposed before that little discussion could become another silly fight.

Oliver looked at you quite hesitantly before giving a positive response.

“Cannons’ motto is ‘Let's all just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best’,” you said. 

“What? I thought it was ‘We shall conquer’.”

“It was. They changed it in 1972.”

“Oh, Merlin. Why didn’t I know that?”

“Because the Chudley Cannons are usually on the background and you focus on teams like Montrose Magpies, Wimbourne Wasps, and Puddlemere United,” you explained, “In other words, winners.”

“Well, it’s true that the Chudley Cannons don’t make as many appearances as the ones you’ve mentioned, but… Ron told me they have won the League 21 times,” Oliver argued, “And Puddlemere United won 22 times. It isn’t a big difference.”

“Ron is right, the Cannons did win 21 times,” you nodded, “But the last one was in 1892 like I said downstairs. And they never won the European Cup, while Puddlemere United won two times.”

“Okay,” Oliver sat on his bed, “So you want me to choose Puddlemere United?”

“I want you to choose, so I’m telling you the facts,” you shrugged, “The Chudley Cannons won the Josef Wronski Award for Excellent Pitch Skills in 1931. They’re not as bad as I may have implied.”

You swallowed hard. You wanted him to choose Puddlemere. The Cannons were known for their ill luck and you wanted your boyfriend to be happy and successful. But you also wanted him to make his own decision.

Oliver chuckled, which made you frown and cross your arms silently.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” you replied, “but I don’t understand.”

“I’m just in shock. How can I be so lucky?”

You didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue.

“When you said you were going to help me, I thought you were just going to listen to me and… I don’t know, talk. I didn’t think you would spend the day at the library and come back as a human encyclopedia. I don’t deserve that, Y/N. You really didn’t have to.”

“Stop saying that, Oliver! It’s your career we’re talking about. I know how important it is to you,” you sat next to him, “And it is important to me too. You don’t think your happiness matters to me?”

“Actually, no. I didn’t think it mattered that much,” he confessed as he put one arm around your shoulder and pulled you close enough for him to kiss your forehead, “Thank you, Y/N. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, silly,” you gave him a soft kiss on the lips, “And stop thinking that I don’t care about you.”

“I never thought that. It’s just… I hadn’t realized how much you cared and I’m glad to know it’s almost just as much as I care about you.”

“Almost?” you giggled.

“Love, trust me. No one will ever care about someone as much as I care about you. It’s impossible.”

“Aw, stop,” you hid your face on your hands and you both laughed.

Oliver moved your hands away from your face and kissed you. He kissed you gently, in a tender way that made you feel every inch of your body alive. He had that power of making you feel like you owned the world every time he put his hands on you.

“Next year, I will be the reserve Keeper of the Puddlemere United’s Team,” your boyfriend stated, revealing his choice. 

“And I’ll be here, missing you but also rooting for you every single day,” you smiled sadly but feeling really proud of him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“C’mon, Y/N!” Layla knocked on your dorm’s door, “You said we would meet in the common room in five minutes! It’s been fifteen bloody minutes!”

“I’m coming!” you yelled back as you put on your earrings. 

The Yule Ball was something you weren’t quite excited about. The Triwizard Tournament was cool and you liked it! But the ball itself... kind of made you feel sad. You wished so badly that Oliver was there with you. How would he react if he saw you in that dress? 

You didn’t want to go initially, but your best friend Layla insisted so much that you gave in. She was really happy about that ball. Of course she was! If you had your boyfriend with you like she did, you would be happy too. 

“I’m here,” you said in a very emotionless tone after you left your dorm and met your friend outside.

“Gee, girl. Cheer up! We’re gonna have fun!” she smiled excitedly, “And, oh my God, you look stunning!”

“Thanks,” you gave her a tiny smile back, “You too.”

Layla intertwined her arm with yours and pulled you gently but firmly towards the Great Hall, where the ball would take place.

Would he like your dress? You knew Oliver was doing more important things at that exact moment, but you couldn’t stop imagining his reaction. Would he notice you were wearing the ring he gave you before leaving Hogwarts? 

“Hello? Is Y/N there?” Layla called and you realized you two were standing at the Great Hall entrance, “Are you okay, babe?”

“Yeah, I just...” you sighed, “wish he was here.”

“I know,” she replied in a very odd tone, looking at you with a weird expression. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“Nope,” she looked away, “I m-mean, nothing.”

You frowned at her. She was hiding something. 

“Hey, beautiful,” a boy approached Layla and threw his arm around her waist, pulling her for a kiss. And a very eager one. You felt really uncomfortable. 

“I think I’m gonna go in now,” you said while they still kissed, “The opening is about to start and... you’re not listening.”

You walked away feeling upset. Layla had promised she wouldn’t forget about you as soon as her boyfriend appeared. But she did, like always. 

Inside, the Great Hall didn’t look like the usual big room with four long tables. The decoration looked so lovely and all the students seemed so happy that you felt a tiny little sparkle of joy inside your chest. The energy on the room was quite contagious. 

When the opening started, Layla and her boyfriend were nowhere to be seen.

“Typical,” you snorted to yourself.

The four school champions entered the hall with their dates and did all the formalities the occasion required. Professor McGonagall looked quite satisfied with their performance. Soon enough, other students started dancing along with the champions and even a couple of teachers joined them as well. That was your cue to find a table and sit for the rest of the night. Three boys had asked you to be their date days before the Ball, but you declined all of them.

You walked over to the most discrete table you could find and sat down. You looked around and spotted several glasses and drinks on a balcony. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have a few. 

You stood up and grabbed the first bottle you saw. When you poured the liquid in a glass and took it to have a sip, hands covered your eyes from behind and you smelled the very familiar scent that came along with the action. You heart skipped a beat. 

“Oliver?”, you asked as you touched the also familiar strong hands. 

“Surprise,” he whispered in your ear before uncovering your eyes and spinning you around. 

“Oliv!” you jumped on him and hugged him as tight as you could, not letting go for a couple of minutes. Oliver hugged you back and kissed your cheek, jaw and neck several times. 

“Oh, I missed you so much...” he breathed against your skin. 

“I missed you too.”

Your boyfriend moved away only to kiss you deeply and eagerly after months apart from you. You were aware that people could see you two making out like that, but you didn’t care. You loved that boy more than anything. Maybe you wouldn’t judge Layla so much next time.

Oliver stopped the kiss after you were both out of breath. He had a big smile on his face and his lips were rosy from your lipstick. 

“You look... Wow... I don’t have enough words to describe how beautiful you look right now,” he said as he scanned your entire body. 

“Thank you, love,” you smiled feeling your cheeks slightly warm, “And you look really hot. I might have to fight some girls tonight as they can’t take their eyes off of you.”

“I can say the same about the guys in here,” he joked and moved closer for another kiss. A quick one this time. 

“What are you doing here?” you asked, “I mean, is it allowed?”

“Yeah. I talked to Professor McGonagall about this weeks ago. She said she saw no problem with it.”

“Oh, I’m so happy you’re here,” you smiled and hugged him again. 

“Me too. I thought I wouldn’t make it,” he said, “We had practice the entire day, that’s why I was late.”

“What matters is that you’re here. But you must be so tired!” you pulled him gently to the table you were sitting at before and he sat down.

“I am, but I would run a marathon right now if that meant I would get to see you,” he confessed as he pulled you to sit on his lap.

“You’re cute,” you joked and wiped the stain of lipstick on his lips, “You should thank Layla. I didn’t wanna come but she really insisted. It even got annoying at a certain point.”

“Oh, did she?” Oliver nodded slightly, pretending to think, “What a nice friend.”

You raised an eyebrow at him before you finally understood.

“It was a setup!” your jaw dropped as he started laughing, “She knew!”

“Well, I had to make sure you would be here,” he shrugged.

“You’re ridiculous,” you laughed as well, “But everything makes sense now.”

“Good,” he gave you another peck on the lips, “Now, may I have the pleasure of dancing with you, m’lady?”

“Hm, I don’t know...” you teased, “I only dance with professional Quidditch players.”

“Oh. You’re a lady with very high standards.”

“Indeed. But I will make an exception for you because you’re quite cute.”

“I’m honored.”

You exchanged a smile before Oliver guided you through the people towards the dance-floor, where multiple couples were dancing already, including Layla and her boyfriend.

When she saw the two of you dancing together, she waved at you with a guilty smile. You waved back wearing a thankful one.

“I thought it would be a really boring night,” you admitted to Oliver, “I’m glad to see I was wrong.”

“I’m glad too,” he smiled, “I missed you.”

“I missed you more.”

Your boyfriend softly pressed his lips against yours and pulled you even closer to him. 

That night was far from being boring...

[dopecherryblossomheart]

Sims 4 Nurse Career

by MesmericSimmer

The Sims 4 

Tested with Patch: 1.51.75.1020 (April 2019 patch) Nurses are just as important as doctors in Sim City! I was inspired by this career from the Get To Work EP. I personally wanted my sim to be a pediatrician, so I thought why not make my own career and share it with others? This particular career contains specific skills from the game packs: Spa Day, Parenthood, and Outdoor Retreat. But the career should work fine without it. If not, just let me know and I'll re-upload another file without it. Mesmeric Nurse Career With a growing need for health care professionals, nurses are currently in high demand. The current need for registered nurses is only expected to increase as Sim City's population grows and ages. With the modern advances in technology and recently added opportunities for specialization, the nursing profession can provide you with a wide variety of exciting options. A career in nursing allows an individual to combine his or her abilities to problem solve, provide attention to details, give personal care, and develop medical knowledge, to create a holistic approach to caring for an individual. Nurses take into account both the physical and psychological state of the patient as well as social elements when treating each individual. Nursing Student Getting into nursing school is no small feat. You've worked hard, stayed up late, and basically imprinted tons of medical information into your mind. Now it's time to put what you know into action and maneuver your way up the Nurse Hierarchy. Wage: Unpaid Days: MTWT--- Time: 9am - 3pm Clinical Level I Clinical experience comes in a variety of forms and is the beginning of a learning process that will extend throughout the education of a nursing student – and well into their nursing career. Essentially, this is the “right of passage” for a nursing student to gain real-world experiences and apply theory to practice. It’s at this juncture (clinical nursing experience), where many nurses begin to develop advanced competencies, foster clinical judgment and cultivate specialty expertise. Wage: $10/H Days: -TWTFS- Time: 1pm - 9pm Clinical Level II The weeks are becoming more exhausting, but it’s okay! You got this. Your mentor and colleagues are taking notice of your rising skill level, and how seriously focused you are in your field. Keep up the good work; you don’t have much longer! Wage: $15/H Days: MTWTF-- Time: 9am - 3pm Clinical Level III Your time at the clinic is finally coming to an end and your body is excited. Those long hours and sleepless nights wreaked havoc on you, but you made it! On top of that, your mentor is very impressed with how far you came and some of the newbies are coming to you for advice on how to survive the infamous “Nursing Internship”. Hang in there! Wage: $18/H Days: MTWTF--- Time: 10am - 4pm The career can either branch off into 4 paths or 6, whichever file you decide to download. If you get both, then a total of 10   4 Path File: Neonatal Nurse | Nurse Educator | Nurse Manager | Pediatric Nurse 6 Path File: ER Nurse | Home Healthcare Nurse | Intensive Care Unit (ICU) Nurse | Labor and Delivery Nurse | Medical-Surgical Nurse | Perioperative Nurse I hope you enjoy this career that I worked extremely hard on. If you have any questions or problems, let me know! If you just wanna extend some support, I'll appreciate that too