#there's an essay somewhere between these lines about these two but i can't make it into words

[gros-chat-fait]

Book #04 "Look, don't ever get hurt, okay?" He smiled that smile. "Me? I'm indestructible."

Book #54 He laughed. "Pretty good? Cassie, you're a one-woman army.”

Parting words, 5 years apart.

[crest-of-gautier]

video editing is so fun... (specifically cutting down hours of gameplay into a highlights format)

[trlvsn]

phoenix wright making apollo justice present forged evidence is, as rightfully rage-inducing as it is, also perfectly understandable and even justifiable to an extent. in this essay i will not cut my introduction off with an old-fashioned tumblr punchline and will actually elaborate on why i think so and what i think about phoenix wright in general.

the first few paragraphs will be rather surface-level, but bear with me: i'm writing this in one breath. it has already been established that the change in phoenix's character was so big and shocking that the fandom is still actively discussing it and making theories. i have seen people compare his sprites with mia and diego, kristoph and miles, yanni yogi and many others, and every single on of them is, in in my opinion, correct: there are actual similarities between them, intentional or not. i believe it can all be explained with two simple statements. one: phoenix is a sponge of a man. even before aa4, we frequently see him adopt mannerisms and figures of speech from the people he encounters. he learns, he absorbs, he changes, but only for a short while, as he stays true to his motivations, passions and drive. two: the seven years of being watched by kristoph and collecting data made him turn to that mimicking quality of his and use it as a weapon. phoenix wright could not afford to reveal his true motivations, therefore, he could not reveal what he was in general. it's a simple metaphor, really.

did he get lost in the deceptions somewhere along the way? absolutely. "what tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive", a line said by him about kristoph, can easily be applied to phoenix. this is where the bloody ace comes in. incidentally, he is given the idea by zak: he is the one who says one can't win unless there's a ace up their sleeve, and, no matter how much of an influence that particular phrase had on wright, he follows the principle. here is phoenix's first motive for forging the ace: insurance. without concrete, dooming evidence, a trial could not end in his favor at the time. phoenix wright, post-disbarment, is no longer a man who relies on bluffs and "just believing in the client", he is strongly dissapointed in the system, outraged, offended, hurt, wounded, and he does not trust it at all, hence the dirty tricks. you can't just play fair against something unfair and win.

what i find far more interesting however, are his other motives. if the only thing that drive him to forgery was distrust and carefulness, he would have shared the plan with apollo or, perhaps, done something similar to the turnabout succession trial, where the letter is shown to the culprit, but never submitted as evidence and quickly admitted as a fake. really, i believe he is smart enough to find other ways. however, he doesn't. he gives the ace to apollo in a very specific way: through trucy wright, not a word of proper explanation. why is that? he is teaching apollo a lesson.

clearly, something about apollo reminds phoenix of himself. a young, bright, nervous mind, fighting for the truth and justice, full of belief, a little naive. phoenix knows what that naivety cost him, and he destroys it right away, because then it will hurt less, he thinks. the forged ace is a vaccine of sorts: you will experience some minor symptoms, but no actual serious consequences, and it will hurt for a moment, but for the rest of your life, you will never catch that sickness again. phoenix is already planning the jurist system reform and has already planned how this trial will go: the environment is controlled and safe for apollo, he will not get disbarred. if the truth is revealed later, under the new system, surely apollo won't be receiving the same harsh punishment wright did. so here you go, kid, learn your lesson, punch a lawyer or two in the face, and never ever, ever trust anyone like that ever again.

but wait, if the truth does get revealed, who will be receiving the punishment for it? of course, the man who forged the evidence, phoenix wright. here comes the third reason: punishment.

remember the class trial? young phoenix wright, blamed for a crime he didn't commit, overwhelmed and crying. what does the abandoned child do when the whole class accuses him of stealing? he stands up slowly and comes up to the kid with the grey hair to apologize for the money he stole but did not steal. he admits it. it doesn't matter what the truth is anymore, because if everyone thinks you did it, you might as well have.

you might as well do it again, for real this time, and maybe a weight will fall off your shoulders, because what you see in yourself will finally match the image the whole world has of you.

phoenix wright is working on the jurist system. phoenix wright is a father and phoenix wright is someone who will do his best to put kristoph gavin to jail. that doesn't mean phoenix wright sees any other use or future for himself. it simply does not matter. well, by the end of the first case, anyway.

he gathers more evidence. he thinks, a lot. he gives apollo advice on the cases, inevitability reminiscing. the new system is a success. in a new, better world, maybe he will take some piano lessons: he has grown tired of pretending he can play. he has grown tired of pretending in general. hell, maybe he will even take the bar exam again.

[commsroom]

heres an essay prompt: how do you think hera engages with the passage of time? especially milestones e.g. "in case you've forgotten, i am four" or "happy birthday officer eiffel" . speculation is more than welcome; youre not restricted to canon.

okay!! good question!! there are tons of factors there, so i'm going to try to just... touch on some of them. first, obviously: she's only ever been in goddard labs + space, so she has no real first-hand concept of day/night cycles, seasons, etc. in the way those mark time on earth. their "year" orbiting wolf 359 is only about two and a half months, but obviously they keep track by earth's calendar + they use military time, so... even in smaller ways, she's used to these methods of timekeeping.

there's also the consideration of time as distance ("somewhere, 13.7 light years to the left...") and overlapping time, how she experiences any given length of time simultaneously many times from multiple perspectives, etc. as part of how she might perceive it.

re: milestones in particular, of course the big thing is still going to be... what the writers said, how hera cares about holidays because the people in her life invite her to care about them. she cares about eiffel's birthday because it matters to eiffel, and she cares about him. she feels left out from thanksgiving because she can't participate the way the others can. etc. and i think she might have some complicated feelings about her own birthday, or maybe even want to consider a different day her "birthday." since, unlike most people, she can remember the earliest days of her life, and that's not a pleasant association.

which ties into the next part, "in case you've forgotten, i am four" is one of those lines that frustrates me so much in how i feel people misinterpret it. like, yes, it's important to realize she only has four years of life experience. it's equally important to realize those are four years she has lived as an adult woman with an adult perspective and responsibilities. it can't be dismissed as just "she's an AI" because so much of what hera experiences directly, intentionally parallels the effects of real life trauma. it is extremely common, as a sheltered adult who has recently escaped trauma, especially with the additional limitations of being disabled, or neurodivergent, or trans (all things i think hera either directly, canonically experiences, or can be drawn in close parallel to), to feel that you've only been alive for a few years, that you've been thrust into adult life without the necessary formative experiences to make sense of it. that your peers all have some shared experience or understanding that you missed out on. i hate so much to see her infantilized for that; i don't think a lot of people fully realize how real or how painful that can be.

... which is a bit of a tangent off the point re: time, but i think it's relevant. since she has... both a very limited life experience, but also so much overlap within that timeframe, there's a sense of urgency about it. i think hera has always felt that she's running against the clock to live some type of life, anything at all. she thought she was going to be left alone up there and had a few years at most. and while a lot of sci-fi presents AIs as long-lived... in the context of wolf 359, where they're a product constantly under development, where the timespan between rhea's series and hera's was only a few years... i think the average AI in that universe probably has a much shorter expected lifespan than the average human. and since hera is very much in uncharted territory re: living an autonomous life... maybe that's getting into a different topic, but i do think time is something she thinks about a lot.

[hakka84]

Meta: (half)Vulcan's temperature

@jennelikejennay interesting meta reminded me that I never shared here on Tumblr the meta I wrote about Spock's temperature back in 2011. So here it is. Copy/pasted from Livejournal.

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To be hot or not to be hot? This is the question.

Ok, I'll be serious: your host here has finally found the answer to one of the most controversial things in the Star Trek K/S fandom: Is Spock's temperature higher than a human's? The answer is in TOS so I'll play with pure canon here: no need to read books or such but just watching closely the series itself. I'm sure I'm not the first one to notice but... hey, repeating doesn't hurt, especially when people keep going on about Star Fleet Medical Reference Manual being not canon.

Evidence n°1: Dagger of the Mind

Spock isn't seen near a monitor's biobed except as witness of Van Gelder's apparent craziness. But let's take a good look to the values in the monitors when Van Gelder is on the biobed. Don't mind the actual arrows, as the human isn't really healthy at the moment, but look at the values' scale: we can disregard all the others as we don't need them. Take a look at the brain's waves if you like but save only the temp, the first one on the left.

On my dvd player on tv this work was easier because of an useful zooming function but, thanks to the power of aleniakalain's dvd, I hope this cap will work for you too: I'll help you.

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Evidence n°2: Naked time.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Joe Tormolen's readings, just to see how a healthy human reads.

Let's have a better look at the readings

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Evidence n°3: Naked time

Spock is healthy, Bones makes us sure of that. By the way, how hot is Nimoy in the black undershirt? Let's take a look at the readings. Bear in mind that these are Spock's average readings, when he's not influenced or under disease.

As you may see quite well, Spock's reading of temperature is quite under the green line, somewhere between 33 and 34°. At a rough guess the double arrows are marking 33.7/8. Spock's brain waves are far above the average.

So… canon speaks: Vulcans (and Spock) are colder than humans and Bones line about "that green ice-water you call blood" isn't a pipe dream.

There are two others times where we can see a Vulcan's reading but they can't be taken into account because in both of them the Vulcan wasn't really health.

Mirror, Mirror: Mirror Spock is, to Bones words, “dying” and all the lines are fucked up: I keep the brains waves as base and when these change too much then I consider the readings null for this little essay.

Journey to Babel: Sarek's readings. His temperature is higher than Spock's but he is under surgeon and all his readings are scrambled. Again, I can't really consider them reliable.

Anyway, canon says quite clearly that Spock isn't hot but cold. We're speaking of two C°, nothing excessive, but that’s it. It may have no biological foundations and you may say it has no sense at all: I can agree. However, Star Trek (TOS, in this case) made us quite used to biological nonsense. If a brain can be removed from its rightful body to then be put there again without any damage, if androids can be infused with a human's "pattern", if one's soul can be transferred in lightning globes (and so on), then we cannot really be squeamish on a simple change of temperature, right?

I know this sounds like a minor thing but since I've read that bit about Vulcan's temperature on Memory Alpha[memory-alpha.org/wiki/Vulcan#Medical_conditions] I have been curious to know why many people insisted on still writing Spock as "hotter". The old school is quite frankly excused as they had no captures to work on (later it came VHS but really, you can't read tiny bits on a recorded video). Recently I raised a geek discussion about it on Deviant Art and I've been quite puzzled by the replies (being cooler not biologically explainable, the book being written without scientific basis and all). They all had their reasons and they weren't just saying "it's this because I want it!" - hell, that's what I love about this fandom: things are discussed! - but I entered one of my stubborn mode... and I can be quite stubborn if I want to.

Then aleniakalain came to my house and brought the dvds... when watching naked time I jumped from the couch (killing her in the process), almost hit my head on the screen (blame the carpet) and zoomed until I found the answer. Then I searched a better view of the monitor for better reference and so on.

This's the result of half an hour spent with aleniakalain searching the right captures! Hope that helps clearing the issue!

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Addition n°1: What this makes of us K/S shippers

verizonhorizon's comment reminded me that, originally back in January when I got home from vacation with my First Officeraleniakalain, I wanted to add my two cents about what happens to K/S bed scenes.

Ok, we have Spock who's colder - a little bit - and we have a room hotter than usually - for keep Spock warm because we don't want for our favorite half-Vulcan to have his pointed cute ears drop off. We have also a cute quilt with a little Enterprises' pattern, because our Vulcan likes to sleep under blankets. Logically our hot Captain Sexypant would die in a pool of sweat, right? But, what if perhaps Spock, being cooler, helps our snuggle-ish Jim from feeling like during a sauna session? Hugging Spock could give him the little cold he needs to feel right even in a warm room and under a blanket (even if I'm sure he ends up out of said blankets in the middle of the night).

Basically when Spock is made hotter we have a snuggle-ish Jim with his personal warmer while Spock endured having cold feet and a... well, cooler against himself. We just turned this upside down and is now Jim who has to be the man with the woman's cold feet and hands against his body in automatic search for warmth. XD

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Addition n°2: Does this make sense? Again verizonhorizon, who points out that has no sense having a cooling system overworking to keep blood cold in a hot room (well, not these same words... :P). This makes me think, and it's probably the only issue that is still unclear in this matter. As far as I remember (and my mind has more holes than Gruyere cheese), in the series (TOS) nobody says Vulcans need higher temperatures. We know they live on a desert planet and the climate is freaking hot when Kirk jumps on the Kal-if-ee wagon. But, if we keep the desert reference, usually during night the temperature considerably drops. Perhaps the only logical explanation could be found seeing how desert animals' inner system work. Off course I'm not speaking about scorpions or snakes, but mammals like meerkats, foxes and such. This may start a great discussion! Unfortunately, I'm not expert enough to examine datas about these animals... anyway I can provide what I found.

Meerkats have a temperature similar to humans' (36.3ºC / 97.3ºF). They have an efficient ability to regulate temperature and, living in such harsh climate, they have a lower metabolic rate than their cousins living in other parts of the world, allowing them to live with less water and food. Their oxygen consumption is 42% below the value expected from body mass (Vulcan has a thinner atmosphere than Earth - if I remember right - but at least I'm sure there is less oxygen there and Kirk has difficulties to breath right).

Fennex foxes have a temperature of 38.2˚C (100.8˚F), but they are typically nocturne animals and during the day they live in deep dens under the sand to protect themselves from hot climate of desert's day. They are also provided with large ears (*coff coff* Spock?) to dissipate heat.

Camels vary between 34°C to more than 40°C, depending of how much they can dissipate the heat through evaporation. If they have free access to water they tend to have lower temperatures.

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Addition n°3: Cold or hot? Both? alliegator as an interesting hypothesis. I'm quoting her, because there's not need for me to elaborate.

"I'm no biologist, but it is my personal head canon that Vulcans are both hotter AND colder than humans. My science-fictiony, pseudo-xenobiology reasoning that would actually fit with the above source: Vulcans have a normal core body temperature (91 F) lower than humans (98.6 F). Humans lose heat through their skin and extremities, so the surface of the skin can be much cooler than the core temp. Now I see Vulcans with their fast pulse as having a very efficient body heat regulation system, so possibly their surface skin temperature is much closer to their core temperature.

"So, theoretically, if a Human (98 F core temp) were to walk up to a Vulcan (91 F core temp) and touch them, to the Human (estimate 80 F hand skin temp) the Vulcan (estimate 87 F hand skin temp) would feel warm. Even though the Vulcan's core temp is lower than Human, the Human's skin temp is lower than the Vulcan's."

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Ok, off-topic conclusions: 1) I feel a trekkie and I always hated people (a Star Wars' fan I'm friend of) who wasted time to search for things the canon left unclear or making essays about "no it's like this" and "what if...?"... 2) I've done again a biology little research because of Star Trek, the first being about wolves/canines and feline reproduction - you don't wanna ask believe me... 3) I have now in my mind's eye the disturbing image of meerkat!Vulcans standing at meerkat!Spock's failed wedding... The Lion King can ruin an innocent life!

[youremyonlyhope]

In Defense of Tolya/Inej

(A long rambling essay exploring asexuality, "shipping wars," and the effect that constant cancellations has had on fandom. 4600 words. I'm not even sorry that it's long. There's a tldr at the end.)

Let's start this off by saying I am asexual. Or demisexual... greysexual... aceflux... the point is I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't know where precisely. I don't personally think it really matters for me to specifically define it. I am somewhere over there. I also consider myself to be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (for that one I'm 90% sure I lean toward greyromantic).

All of this is to say: asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums. They are umbrella terms. There are subgroups within them to help describe the range of the spectrum, but if people want to just use asexual or aromantic to describe themselves then they can. Where I fall is different from where someone else falls, and that's different from where another person falls, and that's probably different from the person reading this if you are ace and/or aro too. And it's different for Tolya. There isn't one aroace experience and there isn't one type of aroace representation.

A little more about me. I am also mixed race. More specifically Black and white like Jesper, but mixed people of all races know the shared experiences of feeling like we're between two worlds. It's not as obvious in the show (I can't remember if it's even mentioned but I can see that some fans don't seem to know), but in in the books Tamar and Tolya are half-Shu and half-Ravkan. Also, I am a twin. I am a girl with a boy twin. My twin brother is a foot taller than me. So, Tamar and Tolya's existence in the Grishaverse speak to MY SOUL. Tamar, Tolya, and Jesper make me feel like so many parts of myself are represented on these pages.

Moving on from my background. Just another reminder that ace is a spectrum. Aro is a spectrum. Life. Is. A. Spectrum.

Onto the actual topic: Tolya. In the books, Tolya doesn't have any love interests. He also notably says "I have my faith, my books. I've never wanted more," in Rule of Wolves. This leads many fans to headcanon him as ace, aro, or aroace. I headcanon him as aroace too. I loved that one almost throwaway line and it made me feel even more connected to Tolya. I recently reread the Shadow and Bone trilogy and it renewed my love for Tolya. The perfect casting of Lewis Tan also reignited my excitement for seeing this character that I adore appear onscreen.

It seems, from the scene of Tolya helping Inej onto the boat, that the show will explore the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. THIS IS OK. This is ok specifically because THE STORY IS NOT OVER.

I find that when I am worried about something, going over worst case scenarios and best case scenarios can help me calm down. Let's list a few possibilities of where this will lead:

Tolya and Inej fall in love. Inej forgets Kaz exists. Tolya's possible aroace-ness is never acknowledged. They spend all their time kissing and having sex, never again hunting slavers or reciting poetry ever. If Inej and Kaz meet again, she'll break his heart because they'll never get together. Kaz dies alone. Tolya and Inej then have 20 kids.

Tolya develops (or has already developed) a crush on Inej. It's understandable, she helped save his life and they fought well together against Ohval. Tolya is a very outwardly affectionate person: he's open about his feelings (hence the constant poetry recitation), he loves to care for the people around him (sharing food with multiple characters, helping Jesper with Wylan), he values his blade (his hallucination nightmare is Tamar dying on his blade, he doesn't notice people ducking out of the way of his handle), and he is incredibly spiritual (praying in Shu-Han, but many more examples in the books, the show has barely touched the surface of his spirituality). He is nearly the polar opposite of Kaz, and Inej has said that Kaz cannot give her what she wants, so that probably draws Inej towards Tolya. They get closer after spending time at sea, and they start a relationship. They stay together through the end of the show. Kaz either stays alone or finds someone else. Tolya's aroace-ness is never acknowledged.

Everything from #2, except they don't stay together through the end of the show. Inej realizes that despite Tolya being able to give her what she thinks Kaz can't, she still wants Kaz. And Kaz, now having been away from Inej for a period of time and possibly working through some of his touch aversion and other anxieties, wants to try to meet Inej somewhere in the middle after knowing with it's like to almost lose her to someone else. She accepts Kaz, leaves Tolya, and Tolya is fine with it (because I can't imagine Tolya ever holding a grudge for that). Tolya's aroace-ness isn't never acknowledged, but is probably somewhat implied (something along the lines of telling Inej the "faith and books" line to reassure her).

Everything from #2, but this time Tolya is the one who realizes that this might not be what he wants. Maybe he realizes that he has romantic feelings for Inej but not sexual. Maybe he realizes that he has sexual feelings for Inej but not romantic. Maybe he realizes his feelings for Inej are purely platonic and the intensity comes from his gratitude for saving him. Or maybe the intensity comes from them connecting through their spirituality. This could either lead to Inej feeling sad and rejected and turning to Kaz for some comfort, OR she just agrees that the feelings aren't the same as what she had for Kaz. Kaz has now worked through some of his trauma. So they end the relationship, Toya is happy with his faith and books, and Inej reconnects with Kaz romantically.

The look that Tolya gave Inej wasn't from some sort of romantic interest, but instead intrigue at the chance of getting to know her better. They become best friends with their bond starting from their mutual love for blades and their spirituality. They become the blade fighting duo we never knew we needed. The show never mentions his sexuality, he just stays single.

Same as #5, but they also Tolya say the "faith and books" line and confirm he's aroace.

The show sees the negative response from some fans and does a complete 180, never addressing the possibility Tolya and Inej again. I do not want this to happen. Not because I like Tolnej, but because I hate that fan response and pandering has become a thing in the current age of social media and letting fans influence media. It completely ruined the Rise of Skywalker. I fully believe it's influenced RTD's Doctor Who (I can go more in depth on that another time). Looking at these examples, I would rather the Shadow and Bone writers continue with whatever storyline they already have planned rather than shift to appease some of the fans, even if that planned storyline isn't something I will like. People need to remember that the fans who care enough to speak on social media, both positively and negatively, only make up a small percentage compared to the entire viewership. So I definitely do not want them to take fan response into account when planning the show. Leigh is an executive producer, so I trust she wouldn't let them explore something with her characters and her world that she wouldn't mind seeing herself.

Kaz, in my headcanon, also falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Whether it's because of his touch aversion or if that's just a part of it, I do think he's somewhat asexual. While most of us are ace just because we're ace, there are some people who are ace due to past trauma and I've imagined Kaz falls in that category. To me, subtly in the books but definitely in the show, Inej desires a sexual relationship and she's well aware that Kaz doesn't want that. Her hallucination, which I see so many Kanej fans gif'ing and fangiring over, would never happen at this point in Kaz's life. Inej realizes it in the moment, and that's how she knows it isn't real. Tolya is literally using his Heartrender abilities to try to slow down the effects of the poison before succumbing to the horror of his hallucination, but it's Inej who snaps out of her hallucination first BECAUSE she knows what she's seeing is not possible. It's different from Jesper, who knows his hallucination isn't real since his mom is gone and yet still wants to stay in it, because Inej knows this could theoretically happen, but also knows that Kaz would never let it happen. She doesn't even let herself enjoy the hallucination the way Jesper did because it's something she doesn't think she can ever have with Kaz. There is a very real possibility that the show could ultimately decide (after some combination of the earlier scenarios in my list) that Tolnej doesn't work/doesn't happen AND then that Inej and Kaz will never have any sort of relationship either. They could all end up single or with other characters. Even at the end of Crooked Kingdom, the Kanej relationship is still somewhat ambiguous. They hold hands, she says she's not ready to give up on him, and he helped find her family, but they aren't explicitly in love. I wouldn't be surprised if the show goes the book route and leaves Kanej ambiguous yet hopeful at the end.

BONUS! Just because I think it'd be fun. Make Tolya canonically aromantic and just care deeply and platonically for Inej, but maybe he can still fulfill Inej's desire for a sexual relationship since he can be demi or greysexual or even asexual with a libido. Kaz may never fully stop being touch averse, which is perfectly fine, and he and Inej connect romantically with a fulfilling life of love. And then Kaz and Tolya get to bond deeply platonically over their mutual love for life's beauty (poetry and Inej). Make them some sort of triad that mixes and fulfills everyone's romantic, sexual, and platonic needs. It's a win-win-win for all three. It doesn't have to be a love triangle, Inej has two hands. Do I expect the show to go in this direction? No. Would I love to see it? Yes.

Obviously I'm exaggerating scenerio #1 on purpose. Because that exaggeration is what I imagine people to seem to think the show is leading to based on how intense their responses have been so far. I also tried to address some other things I've seen people freaking out about when making the scenarios, like how Kaz will react to Tolya or worrying if Tolya being aroace will ever be acknowledged in the show.

What do I think is most likely to happen? Honestly, scenario #3 or #4. Maybe #6. That's why I'm not freaking out. Yes I ship Kanej, yes I think Tolya is aroace, but I also like the idea of them exploring Tolnej and I think either #3 or #4 would be fun to see. While the show strays from the books in a lot of ways, I don't think they'll stray from the final relationships by the end of it.

At the end of Ruin and Rising, Mal and Alina get to leave, get married, and live an ordinary life full of ordinary things. I LOVE the ending (apparently that's another controversial opinion I have about the Grishaverse) but that didn't happen in the show. Yet. The show has separated Mal and Alina so that Mal can figure out who he is without his tracking and so they can find out if they love each other for each other, or if it was just destiny that pulls them together. This is not in the book at all. And yet I love it. It can lead to strengthening their relationship since I trust the show will still end eventually with them together, hopefully with their ordinary ending. I think the show is doing the same thing with Kanej. The "I'll have you without your armor or not at all" conversation actually came towards the end of the duology, but the show moved it much earlier. I like that they did because this gives them something to build up from. Another reason I like scenarios #3 and #4 is because they still give Kaz the opportunity take what Inej said to heart and try to live without his armor. At the end of Crooked Kingdom, he takes off his glove and holds Inej's hand, but he is not at that point in the show yet. He will be eventually. And knowing that Inej might move on with Tolya can give him more reason to work to get to that point. I don't think the show is telling us Kanej will never happen, I think the possibility of Tolnej is the same as them separating Malina. I believe they will all come back together.

And if any of my listed scenarios do happen: THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN TOLYA'S SEXUALITY IS ERASED.

Sexuality in the Grishaverse is never defined. The fans can make inferences based on the relationships that Leigh gives her characters, but they don't define the characters' sexualities with labels in the books. This is because in the Grishaverse, labels as we know them don't seem to exist. You can kind of think of it in the way that we should treat LGBT+ people in history: we can give them labels of what we would consider them to be in our current era, but we'll never truly know what they would have labeled themselves because either they were closeted or there were just no labels for their sexualities at the time. And when they did have labels, they often called themselves things that many LGBT+ people would never use today. I look at the Grishaverse characters' sexualities in a similar way; they don't label themselves, and we can make assumptions based on the labels we would use, but they will never be explicitly canon unless Leigh puts it in the books.

For example, Hanne in Rule of Wolves (MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THIS PARAGRAPH) Leigh uses "she/her" pronouns for them up until the last part of the book, and then Leigh is careful to NEVER use any pronouns for Hanne again. The fandom assumes Hanne identifies as a transman from that point on or maybe nonbinary, but we really don't know for sure yet because it happened so late in the book. The Grishaverse wiki uses "they/them" pronouns for Hanne precisely because we don't know what they prefer. All we know is that they always felt uncomfortable when they presented as a girl, and they enjoyed Tailoring themself to be more masculine. Maybe in future books we will get a definite answer as to whether they are a transman or nonbinary, but for now we technically don't know. But out of respect, the fandom has agreed to use they/them for Hanne. (RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS ARE DONE)

So, if Tolya does have a relationship with Inej at some point in the show, whether or not it lasts, it doesn't erase the possibility of Tolya being on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums. The show and books are never going to give him a definitive label. He could be demisexual/romantic and figure out after forming a bond with Inej that he has sexual or romantic feelings for her. Or he could be greysexual/romantic, which has a purposefully wide definition (rare specific circumstance that he desires having a relationship, weak attraction or difficulty telling it apart from platonic feelings, etc), and his experiences with Inej could fall into one of those categories. In these cases, we'd probably get a scene where he'd say something like "I've always thought I only needed my books and faith, but after getting to know you, Inej, I have never felt this way before and I don't think I'll ever feel this way again." This would still be representation for people who fall along the middle of the aroace spectrum, but not those at the furthest edge. If the relationship doesn't last and through it he realizes that he's sure that these are things he's not interested in, then that represents every aroace person who had to go through that before coming to terms with their sexuality. It's not erasure. Maybe it doesn't specifically represent YOU if you consider yourself aroace, but it definitely represents SOMEONE who does (I'd find it very relatable).

And all of this goes back to something I mentioned at the start: the show is not DONE. If it gets renewed, which it likely will, then there is more to see. To me, the people I see freaking out about the possibility of Tolnej, whether it's because they ship Kanej and don't want a triangle or because they don't want Tolya's sexuality to be "erased," are reacting the way you'd usually see people react if the show ended at this point. But it probably will not. And then when I see posts from the people who are thinking ahead, they seem to only be considering scenario #1 and not realizing there are a multitude of directions for the show to go in. It's not worth freaking out over. Plus, there's always the saying "don't like don't read," so if you find you really are disliking even the possibility that any scenario I listed could come true, you can just not watch the show and pretend it doesn't exist. The books are never changing. Even if the show changes everything, even if they have Alina end up with Jesper or Wylan end up with Nadia or Zoya marry a volcra or any other ridiculous outcome that utterly changes the show's canon, the book's canon will never change. You can always turn to the books if things don't ultimately turn out in a way you want them to.

Also, why am I seeing people complain that fans are writing fanfiction already about Tolnej? Why are you complaining about what other fans are doing that has zero affect on you? Fanfiction is not just for the canon ships. It's not even just for shipping in general, but it's definitely not reserved to the ships that are canon. You can write fanfiction for any ship you want to. Shipping wars have never truly made sense to me, but maybe that's because my first big online fandom was Glee and the ships were constantly changing and switching around so there was no point in putting too much effort into arguing because it may all change in the next episode anyway. Yes, we had lots of ship wars, but when people shipped the most random "crackships" possible then the appropriate response for most people was "wow, they really ship that, weird" and then to move on. Let people write fanfics. That's why AO3 exists. You can just write whatever you like. And yes of course a new crop of fans hate AO3, which is a whole other issue I cannot wrap my head around, but the point is to just let people write the fanfic they want to write and make the fanart they want to. Someone has already made a Tolnej fanvid on YouTube? Wow that's incredible since they did it so quickly! Malina on the moon AU? Cool throw in some sun and moon jokes! Do you think that Wylan and Hershaw would be best friends? Go for it, they'll probably blow everything up! The Darkling and Mal and Alina incest AU fic? Not my cup of tea but you do you and I just won't read it. People will write what they want to, and they aren't hurting anyone in the process, so if you don't want to see it then don't read it.

I see people complaining that shipping wars will begin to start after this fandom had been so peaceful for years. Honestly, the only reason there weren't shipping wars before this was because Six of Crows didn't have enough characters and possible ships to have a war over. Mixing with Shadow and Bone earlier in the timeline has opened up the possibilities. You know how to prevent shipping wars? Just don't fight with people who ship the things that you don't ship. Don't engage. If you see a Tolnej fanfiction, don't tell the author "Ew I hate Tolnej. You shouldn't have written this." just don't read it. Or if you do read it and still don't like it, then move on. If someone who ships Tolnej comes on a Kanej post and starts saying Tolnej is better, or vice versa, you can press the block button. Or you can just not respond to them. A shipping war doesn't start if you don't fight in it. There can just be people who ship Tolnej, people who ship Kanej, people who ship all 3 of them together, and everyone can just choose what they want to interact with and scroll past what they don't.

When it comes to Avatar: The Last Airbender, I am a gigantic Zutara shipper, and the Zutara vs Kataang ship war was infamously a bad one, but I just try not to engage in it. I know my ship isn't canon. Sure, I'll complain that it's not canon, maybe say "Oh in this scene they were so in love" and think about what could have been, but then I just go read Zutara fanfics. If you don't want to see shipping wars, don't participate. Ignore it. Move on.

But you know what? I think I know what the ultimate source of this is, or at least one of the sources. I've been seeing similar uproars in the Stranger Things and Umbrella Academy fandoms this year. Both are fandoms that also tend to skew younger than myself. I think fans, especially younger fans, are now reacting in these intense ways as a defense mechanism because so many shows get cancelled early. They're preparing in advance for this to be the last of whatever media they love, they're preparing for this to be canon forever, and they aren't happy.

Using Stranger Things as my example, I saw it happen when people were mad that Will didn't come out as gay at the end of Season 4 and that Mike didn't fall in love with him. I get that you guys ship them, and I love Will and want him to be happy, but just because it didn't happen in Season 4 doesn't mean it's not going to happen. First of all, Will is a 14 year old kid in the 1986 from a small town in Indiana that can barely handle Dungeons and Dragons and he's already been bullied at school for possibly being gay, coming out is not as easy as it is today. Reagan only just acknowledged AIDS one year earlier. Even Robyn hasn't come out to anyone but Steve. If they had thrown in Will coming out amongst the chaos of Elle fighting Vecna and trying to save Max, I know people would complain that it got shoehorned in as an afterthought. And because it didn't happen at all, people are complaining about that too. I know people will always complain about something, but I'm sure that fewer fans would complain if they didn't have the fear of cancellation instilled in them. Sure, Stranger Things would never get cancelled before finishing the planned story, but these fans are just used to feeling that the end of each season of every show could possibly be The End, and then complain about the loose ends accordingly.

That's what I think I'm seeing from the people who are upset about the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. The show will probably be renewed, but it's not guaranteed. If it were to end right now, then yeah, fans who only watch the show would assume Inej and Kaz will never be together, that Tolya is interested Inej, and they'd have no idea that he's implied to be aroace in the books. But here's the thing: if you read the books, you know none of this is true. In the books, Tolya is aroace representation. In the books, Kaz and Inej are implied to have a romantic future. Why does it matter to you and your life if some people who watch the show don't know about the parts of the books that haven't happened yet? The fans who are mad about this change are all book fans because we're the ones who know it's a change. If we don't like the change, we can always choose to only acknowledge the books. The books can't be cancelled. The books are not going to change. Even if the show goes in directions you don't like, you can always take solace in the books.

Also, I see way too many people complaining about Tolya and Inej who have only read SoC/CK but not any of the books that Tolya actually appears in.

I'm nearly done. I wanted to address the aroace fans who are sad because they saw themselves in Tolya and now feel he doesn't represent them. I'm sorry that a character you connected to doesn't touch you the same way in the show as they did in the book. But you can't say Tolya isn't aroace representation in the show, at least not yet. At this point, he doesn't represent YOU and you definitely deserve representation, but he does represent SOMEONE. And hopefully he will continue to represent someone. So many aroace people had relationships with people they cared about and thought they felt romantic or sexual love for, before they eventually realized they were aroace. If this ends up as Tolya's story, then that rings true to SO MANY people. As I keep repeating, the show is not over, this could be leading to one of the scenarios where Tolya figures out that he is aroace through pursuing a relationship with Inej. He could already be demi or grey and it just hasn't come up in the show yet, but meeting Inej is one of the few times in his life that he does feel romantic and/or sexual attraction. Or, the look he gave her was just platonic and he's excited to have her aboard the Volkvolny.

We don't know for sure. It's better to just let the show's story unfold and remember that you will always have the books you love, rather than waste energy worrying about where the show is heading.

So yeah. I love Tolya. I love the idea of Tolnej. I love any plot point that can put more Tolya on my screen. I am greyromantic and demi/grey/flux/asexual/whatever and I personally like where they're taking his character and I want to see what it leads to. I hope it ultimately leads to him staying on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, but we don't know for sure right now. We just need to wait and see.

Also, don't tag any hate posts for the ship in the Tolya Yul-Bataar, Tolnej, Tolya x Inej, and Inej x Tolya tags. That's just fandom etiquette 101.

.......................

tl;dr:

1) The show isn't done yet and we don't know where it's heading. 2) The show can be heading in a bunch of different directions, including keeping Tolya as aroace and having Kanej be canon. 3) Asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and umbrella terms, so Tolya could be with Inej and still be considered aroace. 4) This isn't erasing aroace representation because there will still be aroace people who will feel represented by him. 5) The books are not going away so if worst comes to worst, he'll still always be aroace representation in the books.

[not-joan-of-arc]

heaven official's blessing by mxtx (pt. 1)

(finished reading on April 1 2022)

unedited digital annotations for books one to three:

(SPOILERS AHEAD FOR BOOKS ONE TO THREE)

okay so I didn't think I would be doing annotations because this book is so fucking long (even though I never want it to end and actually doesn't feel that long) and I'm already almost halfway through

but

I need somewhere to record all my internal screaming otherwise I'm literally going to combust

thoughts thus far -

BOOK ONE

took a while for me to understand the world but the world-building is so insane and immersive that when I did get it it just took the whole story to a whole new level

also having watched the donghua really helped visualise the characters/scenes

I love Xie Lian with all my heart, he's like the epitome of contradiction and the storytelling is fabulous how with every new story we peel back a little bit more of his character and see a new unexpected side to him

Hua Cheng is also my love and I was literally screaming for all his scenes because to us the reader it is so obvious he is so far gone for Xie Lian and yet Xie Lian is so fucking blind to it

I am an absolute sucker for the trope where a big scary evil person is unbelievably soft for their sweet and innocent love

and also shoutout to my fave the iconic gender-fluid Wind Master, we stan

sidenote - the translation was a little rough at first but the more I read the more I got into it and even the translated writing has some truly stunning lines

BOOK TWO

didn't love a lot of this tbh, but only because it was 400 pages of Xie Lian having a full-on breakdown and like the character development and storytelling where phenomenal but all the while my heart was breaking for him

lots of interesting ethics and philosophy stuff

also - we love Feng Xin, Mu Qing is a shady bitch, and calling it now but those two were definitely the deputy gods in disguise in the first book

what I really was living for in this book though was young Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's interactions, like could they be any more adorable

also was screaming because from the donghua I thought Xie Lian had only met Hua Cheng once but no, they actually met like a dozen times? and all pivotal moments in Xie Lian's life too?? how the fuck does he not remember him?? I mean maybe it's because Xie Lian just finds older Hua Cheng too handsome (it's literally said in every scene where they meet) and his brain can't think of anything else when looking at him but what do I know

also also Qi Rong is one disturbed fucker

BOOK THREE - where we are when starting these annotations

okay so (minus Qi Rong) I love this ragtag group of misfits just chilling at Puqi Shrine, also love the rivalry between a knife and a scrap of silk

the kiss scene!! and I can't believe Xie Lian had a full on meltdown about it then literally asked Hua Cheng out on a date like two seconds later (also their whole date was so freaking cute and we appreciate ghost henchpeople supporting their overlord gallivanting around with the love of his life)

also we stan Hua Cheng being a supportive bf even if his bf is an oblivious ass

at the same time though a lot of this book seems like it was written on crack - like the whole accidental poisoning thing was so fucking hilarious but so completely random

that being said I've laughed out loud at several chapters in this book - perhaps my fave was Xie Lian's failed attempt at a street performance, like yeah that's my boi

wow I've literally written a whole ass essay

but now back to my regularly scheduled reading

I never want this to end though

BOOK 3 CONTINUED

not Xie Lian being embarrassed about asking for his bf's phone number

“To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” - okay but can he make it any more obvious

after eight hundred years of nothing, Hua Cheng just has a marriage proposal and an offer to move in together within the span of a day? I can't decide whether he's moving too slow or too fast

Xie Lian literally about to combust at the sight of a shirtless Hua Cheng is absolutely priceless

oof okay this coffin scene is getting intense

ngl, I really hope there aren't any super explicit scenes in the book because MXTX's attitude towards consent in the few scenes I read in Mo Dao Zu Shi made me feel kinda gross and ruined novel!WangXian's relationship a bit for me - that being said, I think it might just be for those characters specifically and so maybe if HuaLian do have any explicit scenes it'll be a lot softer and wholly consensual - and tbf, especially with Xie Lian's whole purity thing, the affectionate touches and kiss scene thus far have been wholly respectful and consensual, like Hua Cheng is so soft with Xie Lian it's actually adorable

their heart-to-heart moment on the beach is making me scream for various reasons but mostly because Hua Cheng is literally confessing his love?? like could he be any more obvious?? and the dumbass Xie Lian is just like ‘hmm what are these strange feelings, is that jealousy? nah, we're just bros’ - I love him but he's so fucking stupid at times

oh man, I thought Ming Yi was sus but then the dice game seemed to clear his name - that's a very clever plot device

this whole plot twist is just so well-written and well-thought out in general, like the writing for this part of the story is amazing and yeah I thought it was more than coincidence that the Wind Master and the Water Demon had the name Xuan but I never suspected this extent of conspiracy - just wow, flawlessly done

I don't really understand Quan Yizhen's character but the whole accidentally eating Xie Lian's poison was just too funny, again that's another scene I could easily imagine in the donghua

I am living for Hua Cheng disguising himself as Lan Ying - also this entire story arc Xie Lian constantly seems like he doesn't know ‘whether to laugh or to cry’

Xie Lian is simultaneously terrifying and a complete and utter cinnamon roll, we stan

Crown Prince Xie Lan? More like Genius Detective Xie Lian, uncovering corrupt Heavenly Officials one god at a time

yeah Fu Yao is definitely Mu Qing and Hua Cheng knows it, whether Xie Lian has figured it out too is anyone's guess, he can be something of an unreliable narrator even if it is a third person POV

okay I like Feng Xin and I feel bad for him now, like he's so obviously heartbroken and its sad to think no one knew he once had a wife he loved for almost a thousand years - I mean, it's nowhere near as tragic as Xie Lian's life, but still

it really does seem like every major god or ghost is somehow related to Xie Lian - Hua Cheng, Feng Xin, Mu Qing, Qi Rong, Lan Chang, Pei Su, Banyue, and the other Crown Prince of Yong'an whose name I forget

who knew Pei Ming would be the one to ship Hua Cheng and Xie Lian - like he literally clocks onto their relationship right away with the whole getting Xie Lian to kiss E'ming and then two seconds later telling him to actually kiss Hua Cheng to save him lol - Pei Ming is a bit of a dickhead but we appreciate an ally

at this point it's pretty clear Xie Lian enjoys ‘accidentally’ poisoning people - just waiting to see if this is a comedic trope or an actual plot device

Pei Ming being done with how insufferably in love Hua Cheng and Xie Lian are is a fat mood

also I suspect this white-clothed Crown Prince is the white-clothed calamity in the smiling-crying mask

so basically every heavenly official ever has somehow ended up at demon realm central

okay but Ling Wen is a badass, like sure she murdered a bunch of people, but most of those people were a bunch of sexist knobs and compared to the shit some of the other heavenly officials have done it’s actually pretty minor? also this woman was literally holding heaven together for centuries, like as soon as she dips literally everything falls into chaos because the male gods don’t know how to do shit

I love scenes like this one now where Xie Lian and Pei Ming are caught in the net because its just so hilariously chaotic, like the whole dialogue where Xie Lian is all ‘can you please not kill me, thank you’ and Ling Wen is like ‘hmm nah sorry, no can do’ and Xie Lian is like ‘but I’m just here for the bants’ literally had me crying

red string of fate!! Hua Cheng tying him and his boyf together both literally and symbolically, we love to see it

Yin Yu is too good, and like I know he's barely had any pagetime thus far but he's now one of my fav characters okay, like he's such a mood - also he's so obviously aware of how his master Hua Cheng is whipped for Xie Lian and whole-heartedly supports it and that just makes me like him even more

I also still don’t know how I feel about Quan Yizhen

okay so there's definitely a conspiracy with the Crown Prince of Wuyong and Xie Lian, I'm guessing this is building up to what book four will be about - also I read a comment that said book four was epically tragic and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, I don't want Xie Lian to suffer anymore :(

Xie Lian outwardly: yes yes the red string is a very practical spell; Xie Lian internally: what a relief to know my boyf- uh I mean my friend is safe and that I'll always be able to find him

and then the next scene is Hua Cheng literally telling him to have a bit more self-preservation (which tbf, Xie Lian really does need because he's just like so casual about literally dying multiple times??) - how soft these two are for each other is literally going to be the death of me

wow Hua Cheng is so jealous but like, tbf, Xie Lian is being so vague in trying to say he trusts Hua Cheng?? like just tell him directly dude

so we're getting the story of how Xie Lian forged Ruoye too? oof I already know it's going to make me bawl

so this is the other group of gods and ghosts who are all a little older than the Xianle lot (except Pei Su) and are instead centred around Pei Ming - Ling Wen, Xuan Ji, the Rain Master, Rong Guang, that other statue civil god

so is it the Rain Master throwing Pei Ming off the ox or is it Xie Lian in retaliation for Pei Ming being rude to Hua Cheng? I guess we'll never know

no but literally, who isn't at Mount Tongl'u at this point? like even Feng Xin and Mu Qing are here now

Hua Cheng acting sus - he definitely rescued Xie Lian and brought him to the mountain cave - okay Hua Cheng is undoubtedly lying now, my theory is that Hua Cheng carved all these sculptures of Xie Lian in the ten years he was in Mount Tongl'u and that's also why some of the sculptures are better than others as he improved over time

also Hua Cheng trapping Mu Qing and Feng Xin is low-key hilarious

so yeah Xie Lian knew it was Mu Qing and Feng Xin since book one - called it! he really is an unreliable narrator

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BIG REVEAL IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

ngl the statues are kind of creepy, like it's almost stalkery?

it's honestly perfectly understandable why Mu Qing and Feng Xin are freaking out, like they genuinely are just trying to be good friends - I just want to hear Hua Cheng's explanation for everything

at the same time I too am very much freaking out wow

ITS HAPPENING AHHH

no but the murals are actually really sweet? - oof except the one that is very obviously from the Land of Tender with a probably naked Xie Lian lol

also I really want to know what the fuck is going on in Xie Lian's mind right now but the storytelling is done very well in that it's Feng Xin and Mu Qing who are voicing their discoveries out loud

noo Hua Cheng don't listen to them!! they're just trying to be good friends but don't let them think Xie Lian rejected you when he still doesn't know that you love him!!

being queer and being called ‘disgusting’ hurts more than non-queer people could ever understand - of course this makes Hua Cheng vulnerable, my poor sweet gay, honestly I would punch Mu Qing now too

but tbf again to both Mu Qing and Feng Xin, they don't understand Hua Cheng and how pure his love is and are freaked out by all that they've learnt so probably think Hua Cheng's going to assault Xie Lian - obvs not going to happen though

OH FUCK ME ITS HAPPENED THEY'VE CONFESSED AND LIKE THEY STILL HAVENT SAID ANYTHING REALLY BUT THEY BOTH NOW KNOW AND MY HEART FEELS SO FULL IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO START SOBBING WITH HAPPINESS

lol Xie Lian finally admitting how attracted he is to capable and aggressive Hua Cheng

things are getting intense!! what the fuck does this White No-face want?? like I have a few ideas but nothing concrete yet

also I can't believe I'm at the end of book three?? and only 500 pages left to go?? I genuinely never want this story to end, it's just too good

---

my annotation system

[hollywoodsargeant]

10 on the weird writer questions? Also this poem https://poems.poetrysociety.org.uk/poems/fucking-in-cornwall/ made me think of boyish. Sort of :)

10. Has a piece of writing ever "haunted" you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

oh this question is wild but Yes and Yes. i'll answer the last bit first bc it feels important for context but to me a piece of writing that haunts me is like. i can't get it out of my head for a Long Time after being exposed to it the first time. i keep going back to it. sometimes i wish it would leave me alone. but it doesn't go away really just. anything that sticks with me to an almost uncomfortable degree

to which i say yes! i have definitely been haunted by pieces of writing and i am definitely actively being haunted by pieces of writing. first thing that comes to my mind is. my favorite poet of all time ever Michael Beard who the first time i heard his work i did literally hear it i heard him read his poems out loud and immediately knew i was never going to be normal ever again. nothing has ever ingrained itself into my brain the way his poetry did and i've heard a lot of poets read their work atp... like. bc i heard them out loud i didn't have records of them (and his stuff was really hard to find online) so just. months. Months of me being haunted by things i could not re-read until finally! i did find some of his stuff and helpfully compiled it into a gdoc for myself so i can continue the horrors at my own free will. i will drop some of the lines that haunted me/still haunt me/et cetera et cetera

"and I thought fragmentation of the self / meant easy to handle" (I have always wanted to be opaque)

"I wonder when I pull / out the poem I wrote to you / and recite its final words / I, too, blur / if they come to fruition / if they chisel away / this marbled image of you / until nothing" (I have always wanted to be opaque)

probably my favorite poem of all time it's the one that stuck with me the most after i heard it. Dead. the opening line is something about someone else's lip balm lingering in the spaces between your words and that is also. the second he read that one out loud i actually felt my brain turn over like a rotisserie chicken in my head

"dry fingers / not conditioned for such intimacy, such / lavish intimacy" (The Roots You Swear By)

"Please don’t ask me to take the cactus home / because then I will grow to witness / what these two hands can nourish, / press thumbs into spines, prove / that cactus and heart / are not so different / when it comes to where we put our love." (The Roots You Swear By)

ughhHhH. put a cactus in your heart. bye.

"Shape my body into a bowl and drink from the shallow collarbone / I leave for you." (Phiale)

"Think of the gestures that make us endless. / Speak, if you can. / Tell me how prayer is too small for this." (Phiale)

every day of my life tell me how prayer is too small for this rings somewhere in my head and every day i kill myself about it

"I wonder why you left yourself / on something rotted. / Your name, still etched into the middle post you thought / would fall into the water." (Re-parting Our Shapes)

"My heart is the moment the post finally falls. / The midpoint between the water and your name." (Re-parting Our Shapes)

yeah does that last one look familiar. Yeah. i love that poem so much the whole thing makes me insane. something about etching your name into rotted wooden posts in lakes and never being able to look at places the same in an after. fuck off my heart is the moment the post finally falls i am killing myself

and my own writing yeah. i used this metaphor both in heartstroke and in a very personal essay i wrote for a uni class but "warm the way a dead thing is in a blizzard" still haunts me. honestly that whole personal piece haunts me not even just for that metaphor but the whole essay is insane and in that i used the metaphor to describe the love i have for my father which is Wild but i stand by it. warm the way a dead thing is in a blizzard (something about by comparison and survival instincts and other crazy indescribable things)

and ohmygod thank you i read the poem and i do see what you mean... that and the idea that you read a poem and thought of something i wrote is making me a bit insane so thank you i really appreciate it <3

weird questions for writers

[shortstirrups]

the last time i posted anything on this sideblog i was 16 and only rode in a riding school. it was still a pretty far-off dream to actually have my own horse. i'm not under any delusions anyone still follows this - i abandoned it a long time ago. so this will just be a confessional, of sorts. an essay, probably.

i'm 24 now and have had my own horse since 17. she's been amazing and challenging and both wholly unsuitable and one of the best horses i've ever sat on. i've still never competed, i still would love to.

i haven't ridden her properly since june 2020, nearly two years ago. she's had lameness issues in pretty much every leg at this point, and has basically become my very oversized vegetarian dog. i spent most of the three years before fleur's lameness 100 miles away at university and nearly half of that unable to put my feet in stirrups due to chronic tendonitis in my lower legs, and i regret not being able to have that time.

in october 2021 i sat on her for five minutes bareback to check her soundness before she span, bolted, and bucked me off. i only fell onto arena surface, but i landed on my head and the fall was so hard that i dislocated my shoulder, likely my jaw too, and i was so concussed i ended up going to hospital twice. i was diagnosed with post concussion syndrome and later a gaze instability. my head injury has triggered migraines so painful that nothing will touch them. i have so much fatigue, have headaches on a daily basis, and i struggle even to see friends for half a day. i have been told i cannot afford to get another head injury within a year of this one. it has been six months and they have advised i wait another six to ride anything more than a walk.

i am both desperate to ride again and terrified of getting another injury like this.

i think my outlook on horse ownership has changed a lot due to our combined injuries, but i'm still a little heartbroken over it - all that lost time, all the possibilities we might be losing from our future. but i look at her in the field, happy and healthy and sound for that much at least, and it's enough. being with her still brings me that meditative kind of peace that you can't find anywhere else, my heart still leaps when she calls to me across the stableyard, and that's enough. it's not enough for who i used to be, but it can be enough for who i have to be now.

i look at how ambitious i used to be, how focused on my improvement, and i miss it. i think somewhere in between then and now i became so ruled by anxiety that i lost that. i miss how fearless i used to be, i miss jumping, i miss those horses, because i loved them too even if they weren't mine.

it's heartbreaking to read back over posts i made about lessons on those horses that i loved, most of whom i've not seen in seven or eight years, some of whom i now know had died (i will always miss them. always. especially my big grey boy). that's the worst part of riding horses who belong to schools, i think. the not knowing what happens to them after they leave, or you leave, or one day when you turn up and they are gone without mention.

i wish so much that I had been able to provide a home for so many of them who gave me so much solace and safety and joy, whose years ended without the dignity of a happy retirement with friends in fields. but i think that's part of being an equestrian, too. the inevitable grief and the regret are all rolled up in you, but they make you determined to do better. to be better.

it has made me determined that fleur's home will always be with me, no matter what. i will never leave her to uncertainty or to the whims of others. i have owned her for half her life now, the longest of any of her owners, and it is with me that she will end her days, hopefully many years down the line, in comfort and security and having known a good life.

enjoy it all while you have it - life is full of so many turns and your circumstances and abilities can change in seconds.

there is still so much beauty and joy and peace to be found in horses when you cannot ride or when they are old or can't maintain a career. still so much learning that they can teach you. but i know it's hard to find while you're in the thick of it, when you're being told it wouldn't be safe for you to ride for a year or maybe even ever or if your vet is saying your horse will likely never be competitive or may never be rideable again. if you're going through that, i'm so sorry. it's one of the most heartbreaking periods of my life that i've ever experienced. you'll make it through. it won't always be winter and mud and heartbreak forever.

the grass grows and the sun shines and there is always a future, even if it doesn't look like the one you planned.

and maybe this is just for me, really. a private letter of encouragement. it's okay to grieve. you will find contentment and even joy again. time marches onward and drags us all with it, and while that can be an agony, it is also a blessing.

[lexintothenex]

please write the autistic finn essay

gladly! (thank you for the opportunity anon)

actually, what i'm about to go on about... stems from what we can see in fern!

how, in particular, does this relate to finn? well...

fern displays a lot of traits that are commonly shown by autistic people - can't read social cues, doesn't know how to do things his own way and has to be told how to do them, easily agitated, gets meltdowns when things don't go as planned, stoic, prone to overthinking, shuts down under stress, often comes across as monotone or "robotic", and gets mad when finn describes him as "weird". these are all also symptoms that can show in lots of other disorders as well (i also headcanon him to have anxiety and ptsd, as i imagine that being stuck in a cocoon for god knows how long probably didn't do a whole lot of good to his mental health.)

fern's trauma developed over time. his autism, however - if we assume such is the case - was something he's always had... and this means that our finn, by association, is also autistic! since they are identical clones and all.

getting into some dnd alignments (i swear this relates to finn being autistic), i always thought finn swam somewhere near the pool of lawful good in the very early seasons - acted as was expected of a hero, didn't feel good about breaking laws, and he had a VERY clear distinct line between "good" and "evil" - it was very black and white for him. i think this is an experience i related to a lot myself when i was a kid, as i liked putting things into "boxes", so the idea of good and evil being two exact opposite sides of the spectrum made a lot of sense to me. that's how i imagine finn felt at the time, too. and of course, following rules and liking to have a clear structure is also often a thing with autistic people. i also think that, at times, finn shows signs of hyperempathy towards other people (this is, once again, mostly seen in the earlier seasons.)

i think later on in around the middle of the show, he was probably leaning more towards chaotic good. because while he himself believed that his actions were always for the better, ultimately the way he pushed through was selfish at the core and downright manipulative at its worst (see: his whole relationship with phoebe). this COULD be perceived as an autistic trait - being completely unaware of the harm you might be pushing on other people, as it just genuinely hasn't occured to you that your actions might be damaging - or it could just be finn being an asshole because he was, like, 15. you decide!

later on i think he would develop to become more of a neutral good type character, because i think that while he for the most part respects rules and order, he can, on important occassions, break through and disobey what's expected of him. so, you know, he's kind of been everywhere on the "good" spectrum.

i think i'm the same as finn in a sort of way (which... you know, this whole thing is just me projecting anyways, so that's not surprising), in that when i was younger, i was, in some aspects, a Very stereotypical Autistic Child who liked structure and order and putting things into boxes. later as i got older... i kind of dropped all of those things? and that doesn't... make me any less autistic, lol. i'd imagine it's the same case for finn. he got older, some parts of him changed, some didn't. he's a bit more prone to breaking rules if needed, and he no longer has this overly simple view of how the world works. is there really any good or evil? what do those terms even mean?

anyways i'm autistic and i say finn is autistic so therefore it's true. thanks for reading!

[dreamiesdotcom]

rule #6 | l.dh

Summary: With Donghyuck, growing to love feels like a black hole, but not the depressing kind. Rather, it's something hard to get away from — like a force, a very strong force that allows no escape, and it's incredibly luminous as if going supernova.

Word Count: 3.5k

a/n: hi, this is moon from somewhere august, scheduling this post before i chicken out again :D by the time it's posted, it's already Christmas so,,, merry christmas y'all who celebrate!!!! Lots of love!!!

Just like most things involving Donghyuck, falling in love with him isn't such a good idea.

That was way too sped up, though. The best way to start this story, of course, is from the very beginning— the day human migraine number one (a.k.a Jaemin) decided to bring in evil genius Huang Renjun to the circle. That would've been fine. It just so happened that beside him sat the devil incarnate, Lee Donghyuck, and that, well, is totally all four directions far away from what's acceptable.

Rule number one to surviving this life thing: Never trust cute boys with sunshine smiles and mischief in their eyes, a.k.a Donghyuck, or Haechan, whatever name he decided to go by. That's why when he reaches his hands out over the table to your direction, you quickly dismiss his attempt — "Hi! I haven't met you yet, did you skip first period? You're Y/N, ri—"

"Please never speak to me." was your reply then, and human migraine number two (a.k.a Chenle) laughs. Jaemin nags for the rest of the break, talking about manners and getting along. The fools nod alongside him. You grumble, moody for no reason and feeling particularly mean, but you warmly smile at Mark when he arrives at your table. Somewhere along the lines, you met stares with the new boy, and you give him an indifferent look.

Donghyuck took the nonchalance as a challenge.

###

The following weeks have been infuriating.

Rule #2: At all times, seek Lee Jeno's company. Unreliable as he seems when it comes to patience, the boy is quite reasonable sometimes.

Your windows align with the sweet-faced boy, your roofs almost touching — if you tried hard enough, you two could sit together, side by side, just like this. Cold wind blows, but it doesn't make you shiver. Jeno's warm, and maybe that's why you love cuddling with him so much. Maybe.

Just maybe, that could be the reason.

"I can't hear what you're saying," he slowly says, laughter seeping through his lips. You whine at that, moving away so he could see you and you could speak clearly. His hand remains holding your chin up, endearing in a soft way, but it doesn't wash away your frown. "What were you saying?"

You groan, "I said, he's so annoying! The audacity, Lee Jeno, he had the audacity to call me ba—"

Jeno watches you with tender eyes. Your heart softens, and you forget whatever next words you had to say. Maybe things will be okay? He's here, after all. Just right next door.

At least, something is going right.

###

This new boy, it seems, is appealing to many. During his first week, people have constantly trying to 'show him around', and that excuse doesn't die down until one month. From then on, people just keep following him around with "Good morning, Haechan!", "Goodbye, Haechan!" and "How was the weekends for you, Haechan-ssi?"

To be honest, it's something you had to grow used to even way before the showed up. Having Na Jaemin and Mark Lee from the Basketball team in your circle just really has a way of putting the spotlight on your lunch table. Not to mention, Renjun, Jeno, and Jisung, who despite being quiet, just has a certain charm to them — Jaemin's words, not yours. And oh, don't even get started on Chenle. That boy is a social butterfly.

The difference is that he keeps entertaining them, unlike the others who awkwardly laughs or just greets back — safe to say that sometimes, the 'goodness' of his heart gets in the way of your education and daily life. Times just like this.

Jisung's name shines brightly at the top of the list. You cling to the boy excitedly, pinching his cheeks and slightly bouncing on your heels, "You made it on the dance team, Sungie! Oh my God, oh my Go—"

"Y/N..." he drawls out, both hands resting on your shoulder as if to calm you down, but the excitement in his eyes betrays his intentions. On the other side, Renjun waves at you with the others. It makes you chuckle, and you motion for them come — that is, of course, until someone pushes you, almost sending you to the ground if not for Jisung catching you midfall.

The girl furrows her brows, "Move, you're blocking the way."

Your palms itch at that moment, and you couldn't believe just what you heard — the nerve!

"Where's your manners?" rings Donghyuck's voice from where he's slowly making way towards you with the others, a grimace on each of their faces. Attitude seeps from his gaze, the kind that would've made someone quiver. "Don't go around pushing people."

"Wh—"

"Stop." you clench your hands to fists, thanking Jisung before straightening up. Through gritted teeth, you calmly look at the girl with a scowl on her face. "Look, I'm sorry, but can you politely ask me to move next time? That's be appreciated, thank you."

After bidding the others a small smile, you turn around to make your way to the library. What? For peace? For space? Just to be as far away from the boy following you right now as possible? You don't even know at this point. You feel like your celebration is ruined and all you want is distance from the person you dislike the most — to be honest, you don't know anything about him aside from the fact that he's Lee Donghyuck and that he's annoying, and that you automatically hate him. You don't plan on knowing more. That's why before entering the library, you turn around to face him with a solemn look.

"Thank you." he halts in shock. His smile widens, but you look at him with the same seriousness in your face. "But don't do it again. I don't need saving, Lee Donghyuck."

Later that night, you grit your teeth as you write down another rule: Say your gratitude but don't get used to the way he saves you. You're not a damsel. Just hand the goddamn sword or you'll be fine with your fists — maybe your eyes for daggers, too.

####

Rule #3: Never go to him for comfort.

22nd of April, 10:35 p.m. You close your eyes and wait. The clock hits eleven and you open the door for the others, greeting everyone with a cheerful smile. "Where's Jaemin?"

Mark shrugs, "Said he has an essay. He'll be late for a bit, but he'll make it before 12."

23rd of April, 12:00 a.m, your heartbeat races. Everything's all set, everyone's in the living room. You take out your phone with a giggle, typing out 'Happy Birthday, dummy!!!' with the biggest grin on your face. Jisung judges you slightly, but he quickly forgets it when a taunting yell from Renjun comes. You sit in the kitchen, staring at the delicately decorated cake, and you wait.

One hour turns to two, then three. Your smile fades slightly, and you check your phone for replies. When nothing comes, you click over his contact shakily.

To: Star <3

Happy Birthday, dummy!!!

Hey, Jen? You're one door away from me and yet you're an hour late.

Birthday boy, you're not ditching us on your own celebration, aren't ya?

When are you coming over ;-;

From: Star <3

I'm sorry!!!

Sorry but I'll be late!

Jaeminnie really needs my help with something.

We'll be there! I'm sorry, Y/N

Your smile disappears. Sullenly making your way to the living room, you count your steps to keep your ground. You look at the others in front of you with a smile, "Go start the movie, I'll wait for Jeno and Jaemin outside. Deal?"

"Sure." Chenle chirps, his grin never fading. Must be because of cheating his way through besting Jisung, Donghyuck, Mark, and Renjun at Monopoly for the past three hours, probably ruining their friendship. Oblivious to the world, Renjun grumbles something about Jeno never being punctual, that he'd pray that trait onto him as a birthday gift. You glance at them before heading back outside, sitting down outside your door, head in between your knees.

A tear. Maybe two. Is this how heartbreak feels like? The kind of crying where you can't even make a sound because people could hear, but then even your teardrops seem to be so loud.

The door opens and you put your head up, hurriedly wiping them away. You put on your best smile until Donghyuck occupies the space beside you. He hands you a handkerchief.

"Don't," he whispers when you obviously hold down a sob, and he leans you on his chest. You cry freely there — you don't know why you let him of all people, but all you know was that you couldn't think straight; desperation blooms on your chest like fresh flowers die over time, and he doesn't judge. He just holds you — no cheesy pet name, no flirty looks, no catch. Just someone to be with.

At 4 a.m with Lee Donghyuck, the starless sky and the moon all alone looks a little less lonely. In front of you, the sun begins to rise.

##

Rule #4: Aaaaand if you don't follow the preceding rule, then, you're fucked. This is your mess. Good luck, you're alone on this one.

After Jeno's birthday (and after he made up to you, he spent a month doing that.) something just begins to change. A pleasant shift, according to Mark.

From that day, something in you says that maybe, just maybe, he's not so bad and you were just unfair to him. This realization must be something brought by time; slowly, you got used to Renjun and Hyuck being a part of your circle. These tutoring sessions must be a factor as well, judging how to two get to spend time alone in the same table as you can't possibly study with the others around you.

Donghyuck would do anything to evade mathematics, though. At least that's what it looks like right now, as he doodles around the margins instead of solving the problems, and then opens a topic, "Nana and Jisung looks cute together. Should've known they wouldn't be serious with each other, him and Jeno."

You roll your eyes, but not the way you did back then. It's way softer, much more affectionate. "It's been a year, let them be."

"So what? It's only been a year." he seems really determined to waste time. He even makes a show of briefly making eye contact before pouting at the paper, "You and Jeno still pretend to be just friends, but the whole school's just waiting for you two to kiss."

You chuckle, "We don't."

"You do."

"Used to." you correct. You look over to the other table, Jaemin and Jeno throwing a banter while Jisung begs them to stop before Renjun smacks them all with a book. You gaze down the notes you're studying before shrugging, "Things change."

"Example?" he tentatively asks, absentmindedly tracing the letters and numbers scattered around his notebook. You rest your chin on your palm.

"Well, now, I might like you." because honestly, you do. He's a great company, although sometimes overwhelming and annoying. Especially that most of the time when he's with Jaemin, they brew the worst ideas together and it's pretty much storm from there.

It would be a lie to say that it's not one of the things that makes you feel warm, slowly growing fond. Your voice softens as he tilts up to meet your gaze, and you flash him a saccharine smile. "Soon, it might not be because you're my friend."

Things like this make you feel like you've missed everything with Jeno, all the things you both could've had; it's like you should've been like this. It's like you should've been holding hands, or walking down the streets, or sitting on a rooftop and asking for a kiss. The kind that would send a rush of energy on your veins, shaking you back to life, losing you to the dream that is the way his lips move against you. But best friends don't do that, so you don't.

Hyuck is not Jeno, though. He's not your best friend.

With Donghyuck, growing to love feels like a black hole, but not the depressing kind. Rather, it's something hard to get away from — like a force, a very strong force that allows no escape, and it's incredibly luminous as if going supernova.

###

Rule #5: Well, seems like you can't back out now. Love him. Love him so much that the sunshine in his eyes never fades.

"Why are we celebrating Mark's last day in town?" Donghyuck sits down in the living room, looking around at the place — balloons, snacks, a cake, everyone in your friend group. He sets down his gift, "Are we that glad that he's leaving?"

Mark huffs, "You'd fucking cry once you miss me and I'm cities away, Lee Donghyuck."

"I won't miss you because I'm coming over to your dorm every day and I'm dragging everyone with me." Donghyuck smiles and even when Mark shoves him a little at that, everyone knows that he's happy the younger said that. He flashes his sly smile, "You, however... ah, what do we do? Mark might miss me so much he fails three subjects."

Everyone cackles at that, and Mark only raises his arms at surrender, saying something about not joking like that because he's honestly 'terrified to start hell', wanting to just stay here and finish school with all of you, ranting about how troublesome it is to transfer. You lean back on your loveseat, lightly kicking Hyuck's feet. "What?"

"You talk like this but you'd sulk tomorrow, wouldn't you?" You taunt, snickering. "This is false advertising."

Donghyuck gapes as the others fall over laughing. "Oi, are you trying to help me fill out all the ten reasons I hate you?"

"You have only ten for me?" you add, and for some reason, that makes the others laugh harder. "I have a hundred for you, Hyuckie."

"I could write you thousands—"

Jeno scrunches his face, hands moving to cover Donghyuck's mouth. "Just please go kiss each other."

Donghyuck tears away from his hold, rolls his eyes, and waves goodbye. He tugs you away from Jaemin and then leads you upstairs, but not before one last banter with Jeno, who, in his all confused expression, tilts his head in question, "Ya, where are you going?"

"I'm not kissing Y/N in front of you fools."

And true to his word, that's what he does.

Donghyuck smiles like the world is kind, like unending unconditional love, without boundaries nor fears. He kisses like that, too, passionate and deep. He does it like it's the end of the world, as if it's the only thing he wants to do. He does it like he's thanking every single thing that led him up to this moment. He kissed you under those stars in his balcony, a hand warm on your waist with the other softly caressing your jaw, and it seemed like it lasted forever.

Because that's the truth. The last time never feels like the last time. There had to be more to this than what the skies have laid down.

Inside your dreamy little mind, Donghyuck was eternal and the love you shared was forever. That's what happened. You thought you had forever.

You thought you had forever, but you didn't.

###

Rule #6: But that won't make him stay if he's bound to leave. Accept that and love him, still. Love him through the rain.

"Lee Jeno tripped!" yells Chenle's loud voice, gaining the attention of everybody in the room, "And fell in love with Y/N, totally whipped that they can't even shop separately!"

"Hell, Chenle, where's your mute button?" Renjun hissed, "We gotta buy presents too. Who decided to do this so late, though? It's the 24th! You guys should've done it weeks ago!"

"Let's go?" Jeno asks, blatantly ignoring Renjun as he waits for you to take his hands. You smirk, waving the folded paper to the others after entwining fingers with him.

"Bye, losers! See y'all later~" you wink. Before being dragged out the Cafe, you point at your friends' direction "Whoever had my name better give me a decent gift, or Christmas is cancelled!"

"Baby, stop that," he asks, squeezing your hands to make you calm down. Your laugh even louder. He smiles, "Who did you get?"

"Hey, Lee, you don't get special treatment just because I'm dating you. It's a secret." you roll your eyes, a skip in your step even though the weather is cold. Jeno steals a peck on your cheeks, and your eyes widen. "Lee Jeno!"

Before you could even catch him, he's already running away from you, and you're almost falling over laughing as you try to catch up to him. He meets you at the end, in front of a busy mall, and catches you with a hug. You laugh on his chest, warm against his hold.

If memories come washing over you, no one has to know. Jeno looks lovely against white. He feels like art on a Christmas day, so beautiful and warm and special. That's all that matters.

"We agreed that we wouldn't try..." Donghyuck whispers, arms around you, "if things will get too harsh on the other, didn't we?"

"Yeah... if I was to leave, Hyuck, I don't want you waiting on me." you responded, half-asleep and sincere, "But I'm only saying it because I'm not leaving."

Donghyuck laughed, "Well, just making sure that if that happens, we'll meet again, yeah?"

"Hyuck, shut up. Nobody's leaving." you groaned, stirring at the joyful yelling downstairs. "Looks like it's 12 already. Merry Christmas, baby."

"Mhm, Merry Christmas. I love you." He smiles, leaves a slow, gentle kiss on your lips. "I love you. I'll love you even more this year."

Does moving away without a word count as loving someone more than you did the past year?

"You're spacing out." Jeno smiles, "Am I that handsome?"

"You always are. Stunning." you quickly reply, a little guilty. You enter the busy room and part ways so that you could shop for your gifts, but not before deciding on a meeting point and leaving a sweet, loving kiss. "Come back, yeah?"

"Of course." he nods before parting ways. Your heart remains at peace — as planned, at the end of the day, Jeno would come back to you at the entrance. He won't leave like the other did. He won't do that to you...

Two hours before Christmas, you sit down on your own for a bit, occasionally distracted by the noise. At their loudness, you can make out Mark trying to calm everybody down, Jaemin threatening murder to keep Jisung and Mark away from the kitchen, Jeno convincing Chenle to get a dog. As you write down their yearly letters, you can't get rid of the smile on your face.

Why they decided to spend this holiday at yours, you don't really understand. Can't say you're against it, though. It's perfect; the tree all of you built together, the presents, the games you'll spend the night playing. The friendship.

Only that someone's missing. As if to lessen the pain, you write his name down on the paper — except it's not a new one, but rather, the page you've been foolishly writing your rules on; the rules that never stood a chance to save you. You trace your hands over the words, but you quickly shake nostalgia away as you turn the page over.

Hello, Donghyuck-ah!

You know the drill. For some time, you received some of my letters, didn't you? After all, we spent some years together... as enemies, as friends, as lovers. You probably memorized how it goes: I'll dwell on the year, I'll tell you how I chose your gift, I'll try to say how much I adore you, and then I'll thank you for being here.

Unfortunately this time, I can't tell you how our year went... I didn't spend it with you. I wasn't able to get you a gift, too, because I don't know if your preferences changed. And I can't thank you for being here. I can't because you're not.

Though I could still tell you that I love you, now it's kind of different. It's less of something that desperately needs you, and more of the kind that longs for you. Jeno and I got together at last. It's complicated how we happened, but we gave it a try and... just. That. You won't read this, but I still want you to know... even if this will never reach you.

Remember that we said that we'll meet again? Well, where are you? Are you happy? How's life been, miles away from home, from your friends, Hyuck-ah?

Merry Christmas. I hope you're happy.

I hope you are, of course, I do. I want you to be happy, I do. I can't wish for anything more — I want you to be happy... just that I hope you're sad sometimes, too, just like me... because of me. I want your heart to break sometimes too. I want you to cry sometimes too. In those empty spaces, I want you to remember me.

And I know you won't do any of that, but in my twisted imagination, you do. And you are.

You're the happiest you could be, but not that much — not happy enough that you'd forget me.

[annapogorilayas]

LoD season 4 rewatch Thoughts

there is surprisingly little complaining about the trajectory of the writing in this one lmao. this season was fun! the kate vs steve stuff has its own section at the end

jason watkins is such an underrated actor and it's a shame we only got him for one episode :(

everything about kate vs buckells is hilarious in light of recent events

i don't think it's ever made clear why tim tried to get hana to visit his flat/why he went to her flat to have sex with her? i think that's the only red herring this season that didn't quite make sense

kate worked with buckells and hilton at the same time back in S1, and yet she isn't worried at all about hilton recognising her when he walks into the office in 4x02... even though they had a whole conversation in 1x01 where he addresses her by name! there's no way he doesn't remember the woman who threw a fire extinguisher through a DCI's door?

again, the whole "buckells is a blundering fool" angle had not quite taken off yet. he's a bit flustered when ted confronts him in the alley, and he's clearly ~one of the lads~ but other than that there's nothing to suggest he's an idiot.

buckells clearly didn't get the memo about michael farmer being balaclava man. i'm not against show writers making it up as they go along (this essay makes a good case for not planning too far ahead), and i do think he was the one who left roz the "someone is watching you" note, but if hilton appointed him SIO of trapdoor to keep the investigation on michael farmer he doesn't do the best job - he keeps pointing out evidence that supports michael farmer's innocence!

steve and kate take a backseat in 4x04 and yet it's my favourite post-S3 episode! the scene where roz turns the interview on ted is one of my favourite interview scenes and definitely my favourite post-S3.

the nerve of ted and kate to drag buckells into his office for "blowing kate's undercover" when she's clearly just... bad at keeping her cover

i think the roz-tim murder plotline could've been more interesting if we hadn't seen their fight. like maybe if we'd just seen roz walking into tim's flat? then again i could be biased because i thought the ending to 4x01 was ridiculous

this season had its silly moments, and it was the start of the H storyline which i think was the downfall of the show, but overall it holds up better than i remember? almost all of the red herrings actually go somewhere/make sense in hindsight (except for the tim/hana thing). this was also the last season before the dialogue, particularly ted's, slid into self-parody. that being said, i think jamie's character could've been better developed.

the kate vs steve subplot

kate and steve spend the first two and a half episodes bickering. steve seems to have a problem with her promotion (why tho?), and she makes a jab at him about lindsay (fair enough, but it sort of came out of nowhere). it goes as far as steve accusing kate of colluding in the framing of michael farmer! it seems like it's heading somewhere, when i first watched i thought it would culminate in a massive come-to-jesus fight... and then kate brings him a lamb madras and suddenly they're fine, with no acknowledgement of why they were fighting or what the problem was?

i'm not sure if J*d wanted us to make a link between the sexism subplot and the bickering; did he want us to think that kate thinks steve is sexist? or that steve actually is sexist and can't handle his female partner being of equal rank to him, even though in the previous three seasons steve never pulls rank on kate and they treat each other like equals? in fact, if you watched S1-3 without knowing what ranks they are you probably wouldn't know that steve was kate's superior. and when he finds out she passed her inspector's exam, he is genuinely happy for her?

the scene where ted and steve meet in the pub to discuss his promotion (an opportunity he denied kate) reminded me of S1, where tony gates decides whether kate is fit to be on his team based on how well she fits in at a drink with the lads. (i don't think ted was wrong to not want to have a drink with kate - he does have a point about what people might think - but it was a dick move to then go with steve)

who deserved the promotion? on one hand, steve had much more experience as a sergeant than kate, who had probably only been sergeant for ~1 year; that's a perfectly legit reason to pick steve. i also don't think that identifying the caddy should make kate a slam dunk - solving one case doesn't necessarily make someone better leadership material. however, steve has done something to earn a bollocking off ted about once a season at this point (going rogue in S1, the nurse in S2, lindsay in S3) while as far as ted knows, kate is always on her best behaviour (he doesn't know about rich akers).

this line from the script made me chuckle. you and me both, steve.

[bifacialler]

This is maybe weird question, but. I'm strugling with drawing faces. My problem is, that any method of admeasuring face can't help me .Is there anything you can recommend me to do it better?

…this is a first art ask I ever got, this is exciting! =))

You wanted an essay. Here is an essay.

Let me start with a preface:

Faces are complicated. They are formed not only by bone and muscle, aka the ANATOMICAL STRUCTURE, but the also exist as parts of HEADS, that are parts of BODIES, and out bodies are basically objects like any other that exist within the multi-dimentional space of perceived reality, aka SPACIAL POSITIONING.

Sounds terrifying, I know.

Good thing about it is - we all are unique, therefore all faces are unique! Before starting with anatomy and such, I think it is important to welcome this idea that this Uniqueness IS Beauty. Therefore every face, no matter the proportion, racial features, anything else, is BY DEFAULT beautiful.

Basically, when drawing a face, the artist’s job (especially if this artist is of academic school, or focused on realism) is to detach from personal perception of aesthetical, and focus on studying the beauty of nature’s design. There will be time for personal taste and creative decisions.

To break the rules you need to know what rules there are.

How to Draw a HEAD

(Mostly because you can draw a disambullated head with some of that shoulder action and get away with it. When you draw just a face - it’s… well it can serve a purpose, but there will be questions. It’s generally better to think of a face as part of a head, it makes life a lot easier.)

As it is customary, the process of drawing an object starts with understanding two basic concepts:

The base shape: if you simplify the object to it’s most basic 3-dimentional shape, what shape would it be (a box, and elongated box, a sphere, a pyramid and so on.) Out of which comes the next one-

Where that object exists in relation to you, aka the Artist, since you are the one who will be drawing it. You have the power. The Power of Perspective.

A head is an object like any other. And a head, as an object, is A BOX.

The basic proportions of the box - and I’m talking the commonly art teacher accepted medium - are:

4 units tall : 2 units wide : 3 units deep

What is a unit, you ask? Will come to that, when talking about points and proportions.

So we have a box, and it’s something like this. 

(Picture belongs to Stan Prokopenko, who is a remarkable artist of anatomical drawing, and generally a professional art teacher. I suggest watch everything he ever made, he has ton of stuff on anatomy. http://www.stanprokopenko.com/)

The grey line in the middle signifies the line of symmetry of the face. It’s on the front plane of box, in the middle. The box is much easier understand that a head with a face. 

What we do with the box? We rotate it in any possible we can come up with, while keeping in mind the proportions. It’s important to always keep those proportions in the back of your mind. 

Why we do this? Because this box will tell us about about the lines of perspective that will interact with our portrait’s features. As you can see on Stan’s picture, the yellow lines indicate which way perspective goes.

(Perspective is a whole another topic altogether that would require a separate tl;dr post, so I’m going to step over it in this essay.)

I took the liberty to use one of your pictures to illustrate, especially since you asked for some feedback. 

Overall this is a good drawing, but see how the orange lines start to stray away from the perspective the box exists in? By sticking to the directions the box helps us with, we can get rid of that feeling of something being crooked - becasue all the facial features will exist in the same architecture as the rest of the head.

Second reason why the box is our friend is becasue on the box we can clearly understand: okay, this side is facing the light, and this is the side is in the shadow. This is the break line between the planes of the object. 

But Ler, you may say, the face is curvier than a box.  

Yes, young padavan. Here is a trade secret: first we tackle the overall, and then we go into details. (then we come back to overall, then back to details, and so on, until you can’t find anything sticking out of the unity of the piece, and you can decide that your job here is done. [it is never done, but perfect is an enemy of good, and sometimes good is “good enough” and “as good as I can do at the moment which is still good”)

This may sound familiar, because it is - it’s a lot like the Loomis method, which is, in it’s essence, your good old illustrative version of academic portrait, but without the hassle of learning all skull bones and facial muscles and crying yourself to sleep.

See how he clearly identifies here the border between the frontal planes of the faces and the side ones? Look how is is not afraid of laying that tone on the sides? This is what I’m talking about. He got it from The Box. 

(I would suggest reading Loomis’s books in general, and especially “Drawing the Head and Hands”, where the illustration above is from. His method of drawing heads is quite good, and he explains it in a very approachable way.)

Now that we sorta figured out the head in space, and the box the head truly is, lets figure out 

Where Do We Put The FACIAL FEATURES

There are a few different school of thought on “where the features are” and “what are the proportions”, so I’m going to share with you how I work around them.

My personal approach is a mix of different methods, and years of life studies - as I explained in the beginning every face is unique and has different proportions, and the more “cartoony” and “caricaturistic” (is this a word?) the style is, the more those proportions are exaggerated. 

My approach to placement of features goes like this [unless I got a life model before me, then I measure with my pencil, old school style.] It’s pretty math intense, so buckle up.

1) [Purple] Cranium is a SPHERE. The axis of the sphere is your friend. Cut it in 3 equal parts. Add one part down - hey presto, this is the height of your head. [Remember the thing about the proportions of the box? These are the units I was talking about. It’s all coming together now.] 

2) [Purple] Eyes exist in the middle of the axis. 

3) [Orange] The protrusion of the face is *design* and may vary. Rule of the thumb: make it an arc, similar to what I did. The lower jaw corner falls into the same cathegory, but I prefer it to be on the same level as the corners of the mouth.

4) [Magenta] Mark 1/7th of the height from the top - that’s your hairline. 

5) [Red] After you mark the hairline, divide the remaining part of the height in 3 equal parts. Lower part is chin to root of the nose, the middle one is root of the nose to eyebrows (actually to the glabella, but let’s call it eyebrows), the upper - from eyebrow to hairline. this is the Rule of Thirds. In reality nothing is perfect.

6) [Yellow] This is the tricky part. This is where I personally mark the border between the frontal facial planes and the side ones. There is a general guideline on how it’s done, but it does require understanding the skull and the subplanes of the frontal plane of the face. In layman’s terms, go from the hills of the forehead down to the middle of the brow, around the eye socket, over the cheek bone, through the middle of the cheek (preferably on an arc) to the chin bone, not foregetting the chind also has upper plane and lower plain and yes, there is a break between them, rounded as it is. 

7) [Dark green] Back to eyes. They are also spheres. In the drawing above I marked them as “width of 1 eye = 1/5th of the face’s width”. This is my design (and also the “fashion portrait design”, but don’t get me started) . What is not my design is that the distance between eyes is about the width of one eye, very convenient. The distance between the ear and the outer corner of the eye is 1 third of the rule of thirds. (see point 5) Don’t forget: eyelids cover the eyeball like peel covers the orange. It has thickness.

8) [bright blue] EAR! Love ears. Their traditional space is snuggly in the middle third. Also their angle usually follows the angle of the nose. 

9) [light green] Nose and Mouth. 

Nose.Take your middle third. Divide it by three (approximately). The top part is where the dip of the nose is. For reference is about the same level as the eyes, maybe a bit higher. The nose itself is a trapezoid. The general width of it - the space between the eyes. There is a shadow under it, in most cases. When drawing from reference, pay attention is the root of the nose goes lower than the edges of the nostrils. It’s important. That’s where character hides.

Mouth. Take your lower third. Divide it by two. That’s - no, it’s not the slit of the mouth. That’s the dip under the lower lip. Take the distance between the eyebrows and the eyes, measure it, and apply from the root of the nose down. That’s where the upper edge of the upper lip is. The width of the mouth is very different, but I prefer somewhere between the irises. 

Oof, that’s about it.

If you are looking into indepth anatomy, I’m going to recommend the bible of all anatomy artists, Mr Gottfried Bammes, and “The Complete guide to human anatomy for artists and illustrators”. No better book was ever assembled. I wouldn’t suggest “reading” it, it’s dry as stale bread, but it has hundreds of illustrations that are pretty self-explanatory.

How to combine this whole knowledge together?

By drawing. Honestly, the rest comes with practice. Lots and lot’s of it. 

I would personally suggest downloading a million photos of faces, plugging them into photoshop and studying then step by step as per process above. 

Second, I would suggest making studies of separate parts of the face: mouth, ear, eye and nose. Break them down into basic shapes. Look at what covers what. There things do in, where they come out. 

Third. After you do your studies on photos, draw the faces you studied. But don’t draw them to minute details. Be as constructive as possible. Basic shape - ok. Hairline - ok. Thirds in proper perspective! - ok. Border of light and dark sides - ok. And so on. 

First hundred many look like crap. It’s okay. You are learning. Then things will get better. The more you draw - the better it goes. The more your drawing chakras open. 

I hope this was helpful. Have fun. Do art. Post art. 

[veliseraptor]

Hi. I very like your fics. But can I ask. On tumblr I saw a lot of theories about how much Loki's intention was in New-York invasion, from 'he was brainwashed as much as Clint and gave Avengers to win' to 'he was absolutelly free willing to do it and really aimed to conquer the Earth'. What's your opinion on that? I just want to know, so it's easier for me te read. You probably wrote about it already, but I can't find.

oh boy if THIS isn’t one of my favorite topics! because it’s one I have a lot of feelings about, and while I’ll read a broad range of explanations I actually have one that (like everything) is “somewhere in the middle.” I have indeed written about this in fic and probably also in meta somewhere, but sure, I’ll write another essay about it since I don’t really feel like looking for said meta.

first off - I do think that Loki was “brainwashed” if by “brainwashed” we mean not in the sense of Clint or Bucky but in the sense of “very specifically manipulated into a specific state of mind and nudged in specific directions.” I’ve written before about the way I feel like Thanos nurtured existing tendencies in Loki, who at the time was in a very vulnerable state of mind: encouraging his paranoia, his mistrust, his belief that he was on his own and has to make a place for himself because no one else will, his belief that his family has completely rejected him. 

at the point when Loki ends up on Sanctuary I think he was balanced pretty closely between, on the one hand, despair, and on the other, rage. those two things live pretty close together for Loki, because he tends to transmute the one into the other because the latter is in some ways safer. so Thanos just gives him a little nudge into choosing rage and hatred, because there is (or so Loki’s led to believe), no other option. it’s not as clear cut as “Loki was controlled” because, yes, he could have made different choices. could have gone in a different way. 

but on the other hand, where Loki was sometimes an honored guest, sometimes he was a prisoner, and there’s always the potential threat of pain. and pain, Thanos tells Loki, is a tool to make him stronger. (this is something that comes up in Mending, but also more subtly in a number of others of my fics.) 

there’s also an element of playing on Loki’s need for control. he needs to believe that he has some ability to manipulate events, some control over his situation, so the moment some of that is offered he grabs onto it, regardless of the fact that a part of him knows that that’s exactly what he’s meant to do. 

so when Thanos says there’s something I want on Earth, you can get it for me, Loki thinks yes, this is my chance, if I do this I’ll survive (I’ll get away) and at the back of his mind is also the thought and maybe I can get something for myself, and, yes, the thought that this will hurt Thor. I’ve talked before about the fact that I think Loki bargains for Earth to be his - that’s not something Thanos necessarily offers. but Thanos basically says “sure, why not” because a) he has a leash on Loki in the form of the Other’s mental connection to him and b) he’s confident that if need be he can crush Loki if he tries to betray Thanos. 

during the attack, Loki is trying to walk a very thin line, and his motivations are kind of all over the place. on the one hand he’s aware that he can’t win - that even if he manages to take over, it’s doubtful he’ll actually get to keep Earth. he toys with the idea of claiming the Tesseract for himself but that doesn’t seem likely to be even possible, but on the other hand if he gives it back then he loses all leverage. on the one side are the Chitauri and Thanos, and on the other are Earth’s defenses, and Loki is very aware that he’s sort of stuck between them trying to hold his own, on his own, because the only allies he has (that he can trust) are the ones he’s controlling. and even that control relies on a gift Thanos gave him that could just as easily be taken away. 

Coulson says that Loki “lacks conviction” and I think that’s a very important line, because Loki does. he doesn’t know what he wants, not completely, barely knows what he’s doing, and honestly can’t see a way out of his situation. and when Thor arrives that just gets worse, because as much as Loki thought he was ready to deal with Thor, entirely inured against that “emotional weakness”, he isn’t. and Thor insists on not doing what Loki expects, on acting like he wants to reach out, and Loki “knows” he’s pretending but wants it to be true.

and as for the weakness of Loki’s planning - some of that is the weakness of his determination, the fact that he’s still brittle from everything that’s happened to him, but some of it is also that Loki tends to self-sabotage. he doesn’t really believe in what he’s doing, he knows he’s doomed to failure, so goddammit he’s going to fail his way. 

this goes back to performative villainy, too: Loki knows how this story goes. the heroes fight, the monster dies. he knows the role he’s playing, he’s chosen that role because it’s the one he thinks he has to play, and he’s performing to that story that he’s living in. what throws Loki off balance, again and again, is when that story doesn’t go how he expects: when Thor reaches out to offer him a way back, for instance. 

Loki’s fighting the Avengers but in equal measure he’s fighting himself. he thinks he wants to rule but he knows he won’t, or can’t. and above all, he needs to believe that this was all his choice, because admitting that he was manipulated means admitting that he doesn’t have the control he so desperately clings to. 

“What bargain did you make?” Odin asked. “Were you to retrieve the Tesseract in exchange for Midgard? Do you truly think that Thanos would grant you that power?”

No. Loki had known, from the moment he’d opened his eyes in the underground laboratory, that even if he won he was going to lose. His only hope was to seize the Tesseract for himself and double-cross the Chitauri, but with the Other’s fingers in his mind, even if he could defeat an army on his own, he would still fall in the end.

There was no path to victory. No version of this where you come out on top, Stark had said, and Loki had known it to be truth. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try.

Loki chose to try to conquer Earth, but he was manipulated into that choice. Loki wanted to win, but he also set himself up to lose. Loki was trapped, but he also trapped himself. he wanted to win the Earth, but he also didn’t. 

and I think that Thanos knew, given Loki’s state of mind, a lot of this. I think it’s at least possible that Thanos threw Loki at Earth without necessarily expecting that he would succeed. Thanos plays games and toys with people - he doesn’t seem to care about the loss of the Chitauri army, or even, really, the loss of the Tesseract. the only thing that seems to get any reaction from him (as opposed to the Other), is the fact that Earth might actually be an interesting challenge rather than an easy kill. 

other meta that might be of interest:

on Thanos’s long game

a little on Loki and Thanos and Loki’s linking love and pain

on Thanos’s unique parenting style

on why Thanos gave Loki access to an Infinity Stone

even more about how I headcanon Thanos working on Loki