#there's more from freshman year too now that i think about it jfc freshman year was p wild......

[aurcls]

HSHQTASK059: FAREWELL !

i know i already yapped in the admin post but let me continue <3

1: when did you join ? what made you join ? what do you remember from the plotlines that were current at the time ? where were you in life when you joined and where are you now ?

i joined in 2015 as a high school freshman, jfc ! i don't think there was anything major going on, the rp was very much a rich kids rp so the drama was chill and petty; entertaining but not that deep. one thing that made me join ( aside from my obsession with royals ) was the fact that phoebe tonkin - THE most popular fc at the time - was up for grabs. i thought it was meant to be !

2: which characters have you written over the years ?

errrmmm... merjem/kalla, olivier, livia, florencio, alexander, anneli, lixun, nicole, maryam, blazej, definitely some other characters whose names and existence i cannot remember

3: what is your favourite plotline that you've been part of ?

i think this is just nostalgia but i think olivier-viggo-armani-lykke-anton-etc era was my fave. artistically it's very hollow but i think the lightness of it all makes it my favourite. i also sort of view it as a testament of my own naivety and youth. i'm not saying i'm old now but i'm not 17 without a single worry. back then ( because i wasn't busy and i could sat in front of my computer for hours ) the plots moved quickly and the threads were really fun to follow. there weren't that many characters so everyone was, in a way, forced to write with each other so the plotlines were very interactive. i appreciate the organic way things evolved. ( i do have a soft spot for annexei but i think it's mainly bc i admire alexei's characterization so much and elisa's ability to depict depression )

4: what about other people's plotlines ?

i was insanely invested in the zulu conflict of 2020. it had so many moving parts and i think if it had only gotten a chance to evolve even further, it would have been on a whole new level <3

5: who is your favourite character from the ones you've played ? why ? what made you love them ? what made them so fun to write ?

i think nicole or olivier. nicole's plotline was so well defined that it was fun to write her. i loved her relationships and it was interesting to write someone older. i think she's a character i could write a book about but she wasn't the best for an rp setting ? getting a chance to be involved in the english drama was wonderful ! olivier on the other hand... i think he's just a fave because he lets me connect to the old days ? when rp was a top priority and everything was exciting and fun. i don't want this to sound like it isn't that anymore but times were different back then and i don't think it ever felt the same after maybe high school graduation ?

6: if you could relive a plotline, which would it be ?

i think the finale of the english plotline maybe ? or the insanity of the lawn chair thing. possibly the rise of olykke too <3 but honestly i would like to experience all of it again, as cliche as it sounds. i will very think of the nights i stayed up until 4 or 5 am just to write/read the dash. waiting for a reply was such an addictive feeling and idk where i'll find my replacement for it. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel very old to realize that i don't know if i'll experience the excitement again. those sleep-deprived nights were some of my best. i've said "it's just rp" a million times but honestly, rping itself is such an experience and i'm glad i've gotten to get the best version of it.

7: is there a plotline that you'd edit now if you could ?

i think i'd improve the kalla era's germany. i didn't do much with it.

8: what's a plotline you wish you would have been able to finish before closing or just write more of ?

i would have loved to finish aurel x araya story, i mean i can probably still accomplish that but nbskdgbjs there were big plans for the slovakians and it's a shame we never got to write it out on the dash. i think i would have enjoyed writing the inner struggle of blazej. he had a lot of potential but alas, it could not be !

9: what is your favourite ooc memory ?

i have two that stick out but my trip with serre ? we were on my sister's couch writing the stupid lawn chair saga and i think it was the first time in a long time that i had that much fun writing ! the second one would be me visiting evy because it was a surreal experience and i have to admit i was so socially awkward that evy's family probably thinks i'm weird nfgbkdsgbj i just think it's amazing that those two meetings could happen ? prior to hshq, i hadn't really believed in online friendships, everyone felt just too remote ! a special mention goes to this crackthread thing we wrote: link just a random memory though: i remember when we did those feedback surveys. we sorta forgot them but they were so important at that one point. other funny thing is our old adminooc blog. snapchat replaced it and then some years later discord replaced snapchat. we should bring the admin snapchat back btw @armanicatherina & @barbiebraganca

10: where can others find you if they want to get in touch ?

i'll be on discord !!! you can find me on the hshq server ( which we aren't deleting if i can have a say ;) )

11: what else would you like to say ?

i said a lot in the admin post but i actually had to "keep it short" so here i will say so many things that you wish i had edited this. for me rping has been an amazing way to connect with other people, learn about people through writing and to experience emotions that i wouldn't otherwise. some of the words i've read here have managed to capture thoughts that i hadn't been able to put into words and it's been amazing to see how differently people think but also how alike some feelings among different people are. i often try to wrap my head around the fact that this group's been going for eight amazing years. i've gone through a lot in those eight years and the existence of this group has brought me a lot of joy. i am sad to let go of it and i guess i'm in a bit of denial because i keep thinking that 1x1 rping exists and y'know... even if a group doesn't exist, threads can still happen. when i think about hshq and the plotlines i've read and written, one thing really sticks out to me and it's the way we shifted from a p basic rich kids rp into something intricate and sophisticated ( yes, we had a drug related nye event and we've had a fair share of petty fights ). the range of emotions people have been able to write and the psychological work they've done to write a convincing and very realistic humans is something everyone can be proud of. i don't know if i look like a sadist but i was most impressed by the depictions of sadness, guilt and self-loathing. in my opinion it's not easy to write a piece of sad prose without it being a bit melodramatic. aside from hshq's longevity, the most amazing thing has to be everyone's willingness to get involved. the plot drops that i wrote wouldn't have happened without your input and when it got too tough for me to write them myself, y'all stepped up and continued the plotdrops with your newsposts. as an admin, it's been so so so so so awesome that we've been able to put some responsibilities on the members and have you guys perform better than well. i think we did something unique here and i'm so proud of us as a group!!!! i wish i could flex about this irl because hshq's history and way of working is something extraordinary. i really wish i could properly put my love for hshq into words. i don't know how to express its meaning and influence in my life. i feel like it has helped me to improve my writing but more importantly it has taught me a thing of two about empathy <3 i really hope we'll stay in touch and if anyone comes to europe, or more spesifically finland, don't be afraid to message me bc i'd love to meet up !

[polyghostfacehours]

Back to bother you BUT how about some nsfw and sfw hc’s for my little meow meow randy 👀👀 the tatum one was <33

HAHA OH YES. For you? I will always indulge in Randy stuff! NGL, he's not on my writing list but I had SO much fun with these, especially the SFW ones!

General Randy Headcanons:

SFW:

Randy is a huge Star Wars fan and goes to conventions. He doesn't cosplay, but he brings his camera and camcorder.

Speaking of which, Randy has a passion for photography. He loves taking pictures around campus, and will literally spend half an hour trying to get the perfect angle with the perfect lighting. People on campus just keep seeing this guy laying on his stomach, then, crouching, then standing then kneeling on a bench and when they come out of class this motherfucker is still doing it.

His favorite things to take pictures of are cool buildings or structures.

He's been in love with Sidney since they met in 6th grade. When he met Billy in 8th grade along with Sidney, he immediately didn't like him. But also he still hung out with Billy sometimes? It was weird, because they were so similar but so different at the same time.

They were basically frenemies. Up until mid junior year, when Billy got weirdly antagonistic towards him, even more so than usual.

He almost threw himself off the second story window when he heard that Billy and Sidney were dating now.

Like fuuuuck, when will the nerd win.

NGL, but it's the 90's. Randy definitely had a bit of some Nice Guy Syndrome lol. It wasnt like, too bad, and not to the extent of most guys, but he did find himself hetting a bit bitter when he, the nice nerd guy, didnt get the girl.

OKAY OKAY super hot take lol, but I see Randy as heterosexual. However, I also like Pan!Randy a lot.

OKAY I know I said it for Sidney, but I genuinely think Randy would also identify with being non-binary. Or at the very least, not minding any pronouns.

Randy does not smell, ever. Like he just doesn't have any BO. He has that gene that makes body odor non-existent. He always smells fresh or like nothing, even when he sweats.

Randy has a matching shoes and shirt combo for every color.

SO Randy's fashion sense actually comes from Tatum. Once he got to high school, Randy was looking forward to a new beginning - a new him! He wanted to to get rid of his glasses and start caring more about how he looked! SO he asked Tate for advice, and she helped him pick out a wardrobe the summer before Freshman year began.

Speaking of Tatum: her, Sidney, and Randy are the best of friends. He used to be embarrassed by having girls as his best friends, but he quickly got over that because those two are his ride or die.

He and Stu actually hung out a good amount alone. I base this on their banter and how casually they interacted at the video store in the movie. It just seems like they were genuine friends. Maybe not super close, but generally liked one another.

Honestly, Stu's betrayal genuinely hurt. Like Billy's? Yeah nah, fuck that guy. You can tell by how he badmouthed Billy in 2 that he really hated him by that point, but the way he badmouthed Stu was far less vitriolic.

Randy internally is just like: Maaaan. How could he? I knew he was Billy's lapdog but murder??? JFC.

He thinks middle parts look stupid.

As much of a movie buff that he is, he gets celeb names mixed up all the time. Like he'll mix up their first and last names.

His favorite Final Girl is Nancy Thompson. He loves Laurie Strode too, she's played by the Scream Queen after all, but Nancy is his favorite by far.

Randy likes anime. He's watched all of Evangelion, can recite all the lore of Trigun, and don't even get him started on how great Yu Yu Hakusho is.

He also likes Sailor Moon and his favorite is Venus because she remind him of Tatum!

He has a crush on Mars and Neptune tho.

Randy's room is actually very neat. He makes sure to organize everything well, and is very meticulous. He has a certain place for everything in his room, and he doesn't like it messed with.

He and Martha get along well, but weren't like super close siblings. He loved her a lot, and was protective of her, but their interests differed a lot, so they tended to do their own things.

Randy argues with customers at the video store about movies and movie opinions, and that's why he kept getting fired lol.

Wanted to be a Horror Film Director when he grew up :(

He watched all the behind the scenes stuff as a kid, and that's what got him interested in video production in the first place.

He built forts out of cardboards in his backyard and you cant tell me otherwise.

he was also the kid in the park who tried to get all the other kids in the park into a group to play pretend, usually something fantasy or sci fi inspired.

Randy loves Halloween. Like the holiday. It's his favorite time of the year, and it's one of the few things he shared with Billy and Stu. They'd grab a couple of beers and go scaring little kids for funsies, though Randy would always stop Stu or Billy from going too far, it was always just in good fun for him.

NSFW:

Total Switch. Subs at first, but as the relationship progresses he can dom just as easily.

His fingers are magic. I don't know what it is, but they're just very deft.

Could be because Randy is a quick learner in the bedroom. Like he genuinely listens to his partner and asks things like "That feel good?" or "This angle alright?"

Very communicative in bed after the initial first time together. During the first time, he's far too flustered.

Is super into body worship. Like he loves worshipping his partner's body like the holy grail.

He moans a lot in bed. Not as loudly as Stu does, but he gets pretty vocal.

He's an ass man, through and through. Boobs are nice, but the way a butt curves so perfectly? Nut.

he prefers more romanic and inimate positions, but he'll never say no to doggy style for...obvious reasons 👀

[miraculoustails]

So, as a fan of Winx Club, I was super excited when the trailer for Fate came out. Soon after, someone pointed out Techna was missing and Flora was replaced with her white cousin (coughwhitewashingcough). I quickly realized this would be another Voltron or Riverdale. I watched the series so I could know everywhere it got wrong, and hopefully enjoy it some. So here’s my review of Fate (may contain some spoilers of Fate, but definitely of WC)

Bloom. Let’s start with all that’s wrong with her. Bloom is supposed to be confident, but slightly unsure. Fate!Bloom is extremely insecure and miserable. She’s always doing something super “edgy” and “breaking the rules”. From the way the first season has gone, it doesn’t even look like she’ll be a princess. She’s just labeled as “super powerful changeling”. Which is another thing. Her parents. They’re supposed to be her super supportive adoptive family who ADOPTED HER. Instead, her parent’s REAL child died of a heart condition, and they unknowingly raised Bloom all these years. They didn’t even raise her well, as they were super super abusive. Yet she still loves them and it’s never adressed how abusive and disgusting their actions were. Instead it’s just “complicated”.

Aisha’s just. Yikes. They made her into a goody two shoes bookworm. While i’m not sure how exactly, something just feels wrong and racist about it. I could just be leaping because of the previous whitewashing racism. She’s also super jealous of Bloom for her progress in magic, and it’s just. Never adressed. She’s super helpful and will break any rules in the first like two episodes then she suddenly becomes rigid rule addict out of nowhere.

Tella, aka “Flora’s cousin” is SO annoying. They made her into this awkward fat girl and constantly make fat-phobic jokes. It’s shown as bad, but also in a way, it’s not. There’s another character that’s queer and the only way his queerness is talked about is homophobic jokes by Riven. Side note, Riven is an asshole but jfc they went WAY too far with his dick-ness. He’s practically a bad guy. But anyways, Tella. The fact she’s a whitewashed Flora already makes me hate the character, but she’s always whining. She’s constantly bullied, and she stands up for herself but she also likes it??? Which is wrong in so many ways.

Musa. She’s supposed to be a sound fairy, but they made her into a “useless mind fairy” called an empath. She can feel everyone’s feelings and cant turn off the power. Which makes no sense because every other fairy can turn it on/off. They just couldnt think of something to make her power difficult to use (they wanna be edgy). She’s also a huge jerk to Tella the first episode, which is understandable, but still. Winx Musa is supposed to be a lot more tolerant.

And last, but certainly very far from least. Stella. Stella is absolutely ruined. The show is supposed to start off with her saving Bloom, in the human world, from a witch-made monster. But it starts with Bloom going to school after she was just. Found. By the headmistress. And Stella’s a complete bitch, trying to get her killed. Stella’s abusive and toxic, and suddenly gets a “redemption arc” where she goes “sorry for being absolutely horrible. It’s mommy issues. Not my fault :((( im so broken” and everyone just pretends nothing happened. Not to mention she’s fucking Sky, and don’t get me started. Sky’s not even supposed to know her.

Which leads me to Sky and the specialists. Sky’s all like “oh i shouldnt keep fucking Stella but she needs me. But also, hot new freshman looking fine （´≝◞⊖◟≝｀)”. And he’s repeatedly talking about how “broken he is” and how he wants to “fix everything so he doesnt have to think about his brokenness” and he’s just “a fixer” (aka weirdo speech by jughead). As for the specialists, they’re supposed to be at a whole seperate school. But for the sake of throwing in early romance and sex plots, they made it different sections of alfea, yet having a “headmaster” for the specialists that’s still not The Headmaster??? Not to mention, as far as i remember, fairies were all female and specialists all male, which does have some sexist connotations, but now they’re both co-ed and im not sure how i feel about that.

Now, as for the show as a whole. The plot is try-hard. It has it’s enjoyable moments but bloom isn’t supposed to care so much on her past. She does care, but that’s supposed to be so it leads her to clash with the witches. At first, it seemed like there was a witch school like there should be, but now it’s a village that was destroyed years ago?? So it’s quite confusing what’s going on with the witches. There’s a completely seperate enemy, possibly made by the witches though. In Fate, everyone knows truths about Bloom’s past, but it’s hidden. Meanwhile in WC, no one knows she’s a princess or how she ended up in the human world. Im pretty sure fairies in the human world are supposed to be semi-normal, (harry potter wizards/witches kinda thing). However, in Fate, there hasnt been a fairy in the human world in ages. In an effort to avoid major spoilers, i’ll just say. The drama with Rosalind is so stupid and cringy. Also the shock factor in the last episode, which is supposed to show you how she really is evil, it was unnecessary. It made me feel nauseous and shocked in a very bad way. Shows are growing this habit of having dramatic twists where something graphic suddenly happens with no warning, but the problem is that there’s no warning. It’s bad enough even when there is awarning, but it’s still intense for even mentally healthy people. Very damaging to those of us who have mental disorders.

I could have so much more to say on how disappointed I am, as an adult who grew up watching winx club, but im very tired and honestly, i could go on forever. All in all, as it’s own show, Fate is not bad, even enjoyable once you get into it. But as a Winx Club remake, it crushes my dreams and breaks my heart. It stomps all over my childhood and what was dear to me. I think i will continue watching it if more seasons come out, but there’s very little i enjoy about the show. It’s nearly impossible to enjoy if im comparing it to Winx Club, but a decent amount easier if i watch it with comparisons. If were to rate it, i’d probably say it’s 2/5. 2.5 if im being generous. I’m just very disappointed in this reboot, and wish they had made it more accurately, rather than trying so hard to appeal to young adults.

[junghelioseok]

Im back with a part 2 that could also be a standalone oajdowjd. Im the one who went out with Antonio.

When I was 19, after my freshman year of college, i was home for the summer. I saw him again at a party for the first time in years. And he was even hotter and im weak hearted so when he asked me to dinner i said yes.

We were texting until the day of the date and his vibes were just weird. He was always so nice but he seemed...condescending? He kept asking me where we were going to eat and when i told him i didnt mind he got legitimately mad at me. I picked TGIFs cause i figured its cheap and not bad.

Wrong choice. We get there and hes looking at the menu and the first thing out his mouth is the prices, how its too much. My stomachs in knots and this is exactly why i didnt want to pick. I ended up getting a 6$ soup which i couldnt even finish lol. He got a steak and then desert after so ???

But anyway hes nitpicking everything i do. When hes telling me a story and i respond with something like oh yeah thats happened to me before too! Or the like, hes telling me that im trying to one up him and he doesnt like it. I was confused af lol. AND hes on his phone the WHOLE time.

Now hes driving me home and hes STILL texting. Im frustrated at this point so i tell him texting and driving makes me uncomfortable. He then PULLS OVER so he can keep texting, acting like its such a hassle. In the car window, i can see the reflection of his phone. He was texting his ex. Whose name had 8 hearts next to it.

Once he gets me home, he says "text me because i wont text you first" i didnt text him lmao. Im 27 now and i havent seen him since. Im still confused wtf that was

hello again babe! 💕

and wow. antonio may have gotten hotter, but he also got WORSE. he really went from calling you "kinda annoying" to full on condescension, huh? guess he picked that up from his snobby friends! you know the saying, "when people show you who they are, believe them"? like, all here for that, but damn if it isn't hard when they're attractive! smh 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

and this dinner, WOW. he got dessert after his steal meal? too expensive, my ass. and can i just say, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are on their phone all the damn time when they're spending time with people. the doctor i was seeing had exactly one thing going for him (well, two if you count the fact that he was very hot lmao and three if you count the fact that he'll have $$$ one day 🤣) and that was that he was fully engaged with me when we were together. didn't so much as pull out his phone unless it was to show me photos of the friends he was telling me stories about. fuck people who think their screens are more important than you are! the texts will still be there when the date is over!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

jfc, i would've called him on texting while driving too. the sheer irresponsibility of it all! and just to text his ex??? NOPE!!! thank god you didn't text him because that whole man deserves to be thrown away.

at least you can rest easy knowing that his looks will fade, but his shitty personality won't! 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

[discoveringenterprise]

“RYAN WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?!” and other shit you might wonder

First off: I am so sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth oh my god

Second off: I’m going on an indefinite hiatus as of Sundayish. Yes, you read that right, an indefinite hiatus. All the content on the blog will stay for our enjoyment, and I fully authorize use of my gifs anywhere and everywehre

Third off: if you’re struggling rn, shit gets better, PLEASE trust me on this.

TLDR of this post; I got better, so can you, and I’m heading out.

ENT GC: let me know if you want admin. Do what you want with the blog, and if you wanna make a new group chat, please do so since I won’t be around to add people.

How can I contact you/get your contact info before you go? Dallyn and Daphne have my contact info so if you ever need to reach me and I’m gone... yeah. Like I said, I’ll be heading out Sundayish, so I’ll periodically log in here if you wanna talk to me/get my info before I go.

What’s your actual name? That... that’s a long story, too. LMAO. Especially if you know me. DM me for the story if you know me.

Why are you leaving? So, as you guys know, I started college, which is completely and utterly whack. Everything is changed, everything is different and I have friends now? Like, WTF. I’ve been so wrapped up in work it took me forever to get on here after Dallyn texted me “your account got hacked” so... oops. I let everyone into the ent gc (oh my GOD i look back at that and have a love/hate relationship with it!) and let me know if you figure out a way to make admins on it??? I’m confused AF.

I’m going to be focusing off college and staying off Tumblr for a while. It was 2 am technically today and I was reading all my old posts like “jfc I was so depressed???” and now I’m just... not. I made friends, real friends, over the summer. People who understand and get it (and yes some of them are ent stans.)

Why did you disappear in May and why are you leaving again? Shortly put, and I don’t mean to sound mean, I made real friends. Real as in I will physically interact with them in real life (aka college friends). I kind of weaned off Tumblr slowly, and only kept going back for the ent gc (I LOVE YOU GUYS THOUGH!!!). And it kinda became a drag.

When I came back to Tumblr, it was like late January and early February. I’d just got out of the Instagram rping world and was so tempted to start one here, but I was scared and intimidated, and I’m glad I didn’t. Breaking off rp was the best thing I’d ever done for myself, and the best thing that this toxic girl ever did for me. My shitty mental health had been kinda dependent on this rp, it’s hard to explain, but I was being a jerk and kinda had been since freshman year with projecting my feelings onto my character’s and blurring the lines far too much between me and her. She was (and is!) still hella overpowered, hella perfect, and something that would absolutely never happen in canon.

Honestly, this whole situation was basically the lyrics to the song Clarity ft. Foxes by Zedd. I love that song, go give it a listen.

Point being, I got myself off of that once I realized. The problem had started in January 2017, ran through October 2017, and then took a hiatus until junior year but only started to really manifest itself in February 2019. And honestly, mainly when school started back, in September/October 2019 and lasted until January 4 when she and I had our last fight. (She messaged me again, later- here- and since making that post, we’ve ended things on neutral terms.)

So I came here. Tumblr. I’d been here in 2017 right after the OTHER rp ended, and I think Tumblr became my new outlet then, too. I was a baby in the middle of my freshman year then. And then there I was, coming full circle. As a senior in high school. I read all of my old posts about how I’d never make it, and there I was. I’d made it. The end of HS was in sight.

I straight up vibed through all of May. Now, I was slowly making friends in college already, but it only really took off in April and May, which is when I left. I focused more on those, building those connections. I loved you guys on Tumblr, I still do, but I was definitely going to meet these college friends. And as I pulled my head out of Tumblr, I got a job, an actual paying job , in June- and I was already gone.

As I looked back on my posts last night/this morning I was thinking “oh my GOD what the fuck” because jfc, Tumblr had turned into the place where I vented. And then as I got through the months, I became happier. The pandemic was around, duh, and I didn’t have as much school stressing me out, there wasn’t as much craziness around. I was free, I didn’t have people from high school to deal with, and I got better on my own.

YEAH, I was talking to a college guy. And yeah, that was nice, but it was more of a side thing. He was my friend, and he played me, but I learned to be myself. Learned to love Enterprise wildly and give absolutely no fucks.

And it is oh so nice to give zero fucks. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope everyone gets there someday. And yeah, I’ve had moments where people don’t like me, and moments where I’ve felt down, depressed. That’s not saying life is always perfect 100% of the time.

But what I’m trying to say is: it gets better. And to me, Tumblr was like a crutch. Sometimes you need it to help you stand, but when you think you always need it, and can stand on your own, that’s where the problem is. In May, I became confident enough to let the crutch go. And I’m thankful that I did that.

I still love you guys, everyone reading this post, the people that know me and are going to miss me. It’s not that I hate this website or anything- I just stopped using it as a crutch, you know?

Where can I read this crazy fanfic? DM me, haha. It’s the classic “self-insert but NOT a self-insert” fanfiction originating form a fifth grade idea, reformatted by my depressed fourteen-year-old self. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes, it’s Star Trek.

I also have one for the girl’s relative, too, which IMO is much better. She’s less overpowered, more of a real human being.

So why mention the fanfic and RP? It’s weird; I’ve come full circle. I wanted to be this perfect girl, and then I planned how she’d finish her story (and I’m finishing it. I am, I promise, because she’s a part of me that I wouldn’t trade for anything). As I’ve taken a break from the E/AP-verse (my public nickname for it haha, someone found out here) I’ve realized again, I came full circle.

All I wanted back then was to be happy and I thought a guy would do it. Popularity, a bunch of friends, a “hot body” (btw FUCK BODY SHAMING and you’re all perfect) and all that BS that the media tells you. What really gives you happiness (or at least me)? Confidence. The fact that I know I have friends I can count on here. Yeah, a relationship is nice, but complete yourself before you get into one.

And when I planned my OC’s ending back in February, that’s what she got. She’s married in my head now, to her (and my!) perfect guy, but the important part is that she’s happy, and she’s herself before she got married. Before she got in her relationship.

So, yeah. I think that covers it. In all honesty, if you have more questions, send them to the ask box and I’ll tag them and all this as “ry’s goodbye” and update my nav page. It’s 12:39 AM so please excuse any typos!

Bye, guys. For now, at least.

I love you.

[chromsai]

top 5 college moments? enlighten me saiiii im so sick of this place

oh wow gather around kids i guess it's time for me to share some of my HARDCORE college experiences (note: it wasn't that hardcore cuz i'm a noob)1. freshman at my school weren't allowed to have cars so my friends and i ofc decide to go out to town on the bus in the early evening becuz why the hell not (our school is LITERALLY 5 miles out of town. the campus is surrounded by a bunch of cow fields i am not kidding you). so anyway, we finish whatever we were doing in town (probly fuckin around at target and... omg we went to a buffet and 2 of my friends dined and dashed and left us at the resteraunt without telling us fuckin assholes) well anyway we finish up and it's 11 or 12am ish and we head to the bus stop only to find there's a fucking fire going on in the building in front of said bus stop so that entire street is closed and the next bus stop is too far away AND that was the last bus to campus from that route. so we walk our asses to the next bus stop that's like a 15 min walk away, we get there and find out the next bus doesn't come around til like 1:30am... so we sit there on the street (lmao no bench ofc) looking like complete losers waiting for the dusk bus to come pick us up to go back to our cow campus. amazing experience i know.2. we rented one of our school's hertz cars spontaneously just so we could drive 2 and a half hours to our friend's house, we got there at 10pm, went to the beach for a bit, slept at like 1am, then drove our asses back to campus at 5am becuz two of us had class at 7:30. and on the way back we got stopped by a cop for speeding. like. a mile from campus. ofc. we went over our rental by an hour. none of us actually went to our morning classes.3. second semester, we got a new roommate who went missing for an entire week and i actually... found out where she was after... uncovering some... clues... listen i'm not gonna go into further details with this story.4. this one time i was gonna take the train to go back home for the weekend and some undercover cops approached me asking if i'd ever had any of my luggage stolen and then when the train arrives the next thing i know the run in there and ambush some guy5. another time i was waiting for the bus from campus to get to the train station to catch yet another train to go back home for the weekend and as i waiting some students approach me asking if i'm on my way to the station and the next thing i know i'm riding in a stranger's car with 3 other strangers i don't know, they put their tunes on and well what do you know they're playing zelda dubstep music i was like wow i got lucky bruh6. (another one cuz i just thought of this) that one time omfg when skyward sword came out i was hella hyped and took the earliest bus to town, picked up my pre ordered copy from best buy + bought myself panda express, then walked back to the bus station to wait for the bus back to town and while i waited a truck with two shady ass dudes circled around looking at me 3 entire fucking times and the next time they turned around i was certain they were gonna do something and i *literally* prayed to Link to save me and well what do you know the bus came around just in time to save me omfg i lived thank u forever Linkanyways these all happened freshman year

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 411

This week, on Outlander: Claire carries all of the water for Jamie! Lord John can’t decide if he’s dumb and creepy or a cool dude! Roger is still my designated tea refill break! Bree is back to being the worst! Murgsali remains the best!

It’s week two of my drunk recaps being done while not drunk *shakes fist at the concept of Dry January* and my willpower is being aggressively tested.

I hate this fake-out with Roger as much as I hate the fake-out in ep. 1x03 with Claire and Mrs. Fitz.

Are we going to get Roger back at the stones and his decision to stay and him being recaptured and stuff next week? Or are we just going to pick back up at the village and we just need to fill all that in ourselves? Tbh, I almost would have preferred Roger just not being in this episode...

Oh the title card... Bree is suddenly now a great artist! (Seriously, how the fuck did she never draw Roger at any point before Rogergate happened?! Like, cool if you don’t want to share who raped you, literally this whole thing could have been avoided without sharing that tidbit if Jamie KNEW WHAT ROGER LOOKED LIKE. Oh, thanks for the heads up, Lizzie, but it turns out that the guy you saw is Bree’s boyfiend. I punched him for leaving her, but it turns out he’s just a dick, not a rapist.) (Second week in a row that I’ve made that typo. It’s like even my subconscious doesn’t like Roger.)

And Bree loves drawing the enslaved people on her great-aunt’s plantation! Which she apparently is totally cool with!

Also, Bree says Aunt wrong. It’s a minor thing but one that is driving me up a fucking wall every time she says it. (People in Massachusetts say it like Ahnt, not Ant.)

Geez, Lizzie, Bree doesn’t need to easily forgive Jamie. Jamie doesn’t deserve to be easily forgiven. Honestly, Lizzie is the least to blame for this whole fiasco. She saw a dude being rough with Bree and then the next time she saw Bree was post-rape. Jamie was a complete prick to Bree, beat the shit out of a random guy without letting him get a word in edgewise and had his nephew get rid of him. And then didn’t fucking tell Claire, who probably would have put two and two together, about it. Fuck that guy.

I simultaneously can’t believe and 1000% can believe they read this shit heap of a story line and were like “Yep, this is great stuff! Let’s definitely spend half a season on it!”

ROLLO! THE GOODEST BOY!

Ugh. Young Ian being like “Oh hey, Auntie Claire, how about you go do the emotional labor of making Jamie feel better about being a fucking dumbass!” Hard pass, Ian. Hard fucking pass.

So here for Claire’s “what you *both* thought.” Like yep, Ian, you’re at fault too. I know you love your uncle, but you gave that whole big speech at River Run about being your own man and yada yada, so maybe fucking own your part in this. You didn’t fucking have to sell a guy into fucking slavery. BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT AS MUCH TO BLAME AS JAMIE. FUUUUCK THAT GUY.

Also, Jamie, you dumb fuck. You should have been fucking groveling by now. You get no points for keeping your distance. Nut up and mea culpa the shit out of this situation.

Honestly, if they wanted to make the show just about Fersali and Murtz, at this point I’d be totally on board.

Wait, so Fergus has been unemployed this whole time? How the fuck have they been living for the past year then? What happened to his job at the printer? I have so many questions...

So Bree, who grew up in civil rights era Boston and had a Black roommate, is totally just chill about living on a plantation and being waited on by enslaved people? Like, we’re not going to mention this at all? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also like fucking mother like daughter. She’s like “Oh hey, Phaedre, I’m going to draw you. Sit there. No, I’m not going to ask if you want to be drawn. Or take into account what Jocasta might do to you because of my decision to make you not be doing what you’re expected to be doing. Like my Mom did with asking you to call her by her first name, I’m just gonna disregard what the consequences might be for you because treating you like this will make me feel better about myself.”

Maria Doyle Kennedy continues to be awesome.

"Sorry! Did I wake ye?” I love Marsali so fucking much.

I really like them giving what was a convo with Jenny and Jamie about Ian in the books to Marsali and Murtagh about Fergus. But man, women do so much of the emotional labor in this fucking episode. Marsali is running a house, caring for a baby and risking having a wanted man sleeping in her kitchen but she also has to like fluff the pillows for Fergus’ feelings.

Yes, I know that spouses should support each other and be there when the other one needs something. But since we see so little of Fersali now, we’re not seeing this as a two way relationship. Just Marsali doing it for Fergus.

That being said, I do think it’s very sweet of Marsali.

“If I wanted him shot, I’d do it myself. And it wouldna be Fergus I’d take aim at first. He doesna put his boots on my blankets.” I just fucking love her so much, y’all.

Does Murtagh know who Marsali is yet though? Does he know about Jamie marrying Laoghaire? Were we robbed of the glorious Murtz reaction we could have had? Le sigh. If I had a drink, I’d pour one out...

Oh hey, Gerald. Is your name going to stay Gerald? Or are you randomly going to start being Neil in a couple seasons?

“Have you been enjoying your time at River Run?” “Yes, I love River Run. I love living with a bunch of racists, benefiting from the enslavement of Black people. I never once bring up how uncomfortable I am, or even look like I’m uncomfortable about the situation. I am not at all morally conflicted about my current situation. Everything is totally cool.”

I raged a lot during ep. 4x02, and honestly that rage all still stands.

Oh hey! John Grey, Lord of Convenient Appearances is back!

Fergus talking to Germain is my everything. “It seems there are some here who do not appreciate your contribution to the cause.” *swoon* I can’t wait for him to teach his lil dude the fine art of pickpocketing...

I LOVE THE FERGUS AND MURTAGH RELATIONSHIP A LOT AND I’M VERY GLAD THEY’RE GETTING SCREEN TIME TOGETHER.

BASICALLY I LOVE MURTAGH’S RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE.

I JUST LOVE MURGSALI OK.

Bree’s like that obnoxious college freshman who comes home on break and is like all insufferable because they took like one intro to psych class and now want to like diagnose everyone they know with random shit.

“Must I close my eyes when you are before me?” “Yes.” Well played, Bree, but I still do not like you at all in this episode.

Man, 18th century tinder fucking sucks.

I know this show isn’t subtle at all, but jfc, they’re like punching us in the face with the judge being gay. 

Bree, Claire and Betty fucking Draper should start a club for women who drink like fish while preggo.

Ok so I’m on board with the convo with LJG and Bree about his vision or whatever, but then it crosses over into creepy later on in the episode.

Can Lizzie please fuck off already? She’s annoying af.

Also, she blurts out that Bree’s pregnant but managed to keep it a secret that Jamie kicked the shit out of a guy for weeks? I’m calling shenanigans on that.

I get that the convo with John and Bree about Jocasta trying to marry off Bree to some rando is supposed to like be clearing up the handfasting is marriage vs. not marriage thing that the show can’t make up its mind about, but it still bugs me, tbh. A lot.

I still am lowkey annoyed that they expect us to be so invested in Roger and Bree when they did like nothing to build up their relationship before it went to shit (both times). Like, you’re lazy when it comes to your characters, show. You’re doing a bad job. If no one is invested in the characters then all the plot in the world won’t make the show good.

The amount this show relies on book readers backfilling shit is absurd.

Jocasta, as a woman and figure in society, is a far more understandable giver of this speech about Bree needing to be married than Jamie, a dude who can have her live with him in his and Claire’s house in fucking bumblenowhere backwoods. But still, WHY DON’T THESE FUCKERS JUST TREAT HER LIKE SHE’S MARRIED. SHE TECHNICALLY IS. SHE’S HANDFAST. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THERE WEREN’T WITNESSES. NO ONE IN CROSS CREEK KNOWS THAT. PEOPLE WILL JUST ACCEPT WHAT YOU TELL THEM. I HATE THAT ALL THESE FUCKERS WON’T PUT THAT TOGETHER.

Ok, cool that Lord John is getting some action, I’m am 10000% here for him to be happy with a man who actually wants him back instead of creepily pining over Jamie forever. But FFS YOU ARE NOT STUPID. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BANGING THIS DUDE IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY?! YOU ARE A VERY CAREFUL PERSON. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE GAY. YOU FUCKING GOT SHIPPED OFF TO ARDSMUIR BECAUSE OF RUMORS ABOUT YOU AND HECTOR. YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK.

All that aside, I totally ship John and the judge and they should totally be boyfriends and bang a lot, but FUCKING NOT IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY OF SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY LIVE IN A HOMOPHOBIC AF SOCIETY.

Ok, fuck Brianna for this blackmail bullshit. Fuck her so fucking much. She is the literal worst right now. Like are you fucking kidding me, Bree?! You’re garbage. I know this shit is in the book, but fucking christ. It’s bad. Fucking have Bree talk to John like “Look, my aunt is trying to marry me off. That fucking hobbit is going to propose as soon as I go back inside. I don’t want to marry him, you know I’m waiting to see if my parents can find my quasi-husband. Can you please do me a solid and say we’re engaged so people leave me the fuck alone until my parents get back?” We *know* John would say yes to that, because he eventually fucking goes along with it for THAT EXACT FUCKING REASON. SO WHY ARE THEY HAVING FROM-THE-POST-STONEWALL-FUTURE BREE THREATEN A GUY WITH THIS SHIT. SHE KNOWS HOW QUEER FOLKS ARE TREATED IN HER OWN FUCKING TIME, AND THIS IS THE PAST AND THE PAST IS THE FUCKING WORST. FUUUUUUCK HER.

“That sounds like a threat.” BREE, YOU DON’T GET TO BE BUTTHURT ABOUT BEING THREATENED WHEN YOU LITERALLY JUST TOLD A GUY YOU WERE GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE, YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE.

“I wouldn’t have said a word to anyone. I’d just threaten you with your worst fear. Because I’m a raging asshat.”

It’s creepy af that they’re like talking around John being in love with Jamie. I honestly hate that part of John so fucking much. Like he could be such a great character if they could fucking lay off the him pining over and being weirdly possessive of Jamie shit.

Ok, so with Bree now just telling everyone that it was Bonnet who raped her it’s really coming off that Jamie’s manpain was the *only* reason she didn’t tell anyone but Claire before. Which is so fucked up! She was raped! Fuck Jamie’s manpain! If she wants to tell people, she should fucking tell people! Sorry not sorry, but if you were brutally raped and possibly impregnated by some fucker and you want to let people know who it was because it turns out he’s a fucking sociopath, that fucking trumps “oh, my bio dad might feel icky about it.”

“The union of our families is a blessing to us all. Except for the second someone better comes along. Because omg he’s a *lord*! Bye, Neil. Go have yourself some second breakfast.”

Oh fuck you, Jamie. You don’t get to be butthurt at Claire. Claire didn’t beat the everloving fuck out of some rando at the word of a maid, send him into slavery and then keep it a fucking secret. Also like, why the fuck did he even keep it a secret from Claire?! Why not do what Bree did and tell Claire but have her not tell Bree? And he’s still keeping him asking Murtagh to track Bonnet down from Claire. Seriously, fuck Jamie.

Oh Rollo, this isn’t Terminus. We don’t eat people in this show.

I literalol’ed at them pulling an Everest and using a dead body as a wayfinding tool. Probs not the reaction they were going for.

“He is... very much like his father.” DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD, JOHN.

"Good doesn’t come into it. I love him more than life itself.” I love the convo about loving a kid even if you’re not the bio dad, but this “It’s only new because there is hope.” bullshit while they’re sitting on the FUCKING PORCH OF A PLANTATION, LOOKING OUT AT ENSLAVED PEOPLE WHILE THE REST OF THE FAM IS OFF LOOKING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED ON THE LAND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, IS SO FUCKING TONE DEAF IT HURTS.

“I was upset, but not with you.” Uh, Claire? YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH JAMIE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE UPSET WITH JAMIE.

I get Claire’s reasons for not telling Jamie. I think Bree should have told Claire to tell Jamie since it seems like her only hesitation for doing so was Jamie’s #feelings. And I 100000000% think that it makes *zero* sense that she never told Jamie what Roger looks like. But Claire is doing way fucking more than her share of apologizing here. JAMIE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE DOING THE BIG DRAMATIC APOLOGY. THIS IS LIKE 99.7% HIS FUCKING FAULT.

I HATE ROGERGATE SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Frank made plenty of mistakes.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURIES, BEAUCHAMP.

Aaaand then they couch it as an “all parents do” thing. BECAUSE OH NO, CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE WAS AN ABUSIVE JACKASS. NOPE. CAN’T DO THAT.

This show is fucking *killing* me with its refusal to make the male characters accountable for their actions. 

And then we get the same sex scene we got in the premiere. Because even though Jamie and Claire get freaky in oh-so-many different ways in the later books, the show has decided that from now on they need to be vanilla and boring. I mean, in the book this bit is described as fierce with blind desperation. I know I always say I want them to deviate from the book, but ffs, I didn’t mean make all the sex the same when the situations and emotional states of the characters when they’re together are very different...

And no, Balfe, I’m not a “horny granny.” (Seriously, fuck her for that comment, tbh. I know what she was probably trying to say, but word choice, Caitriona. It’s fucking important.) I’m not watching this show for the smut. But the core relationship, what’s supposed to be the heart of the show, is now monotonous af. 

Jamie and Claire as characters have always been a couple who express themselves passionately and physically. But now suddenly they’re just like soft af all the time? Where’s the fire? Where’s the spark? You don’t need to have nudity to show passion, show. I’m not asking for a parade of boobs and butts. (If there was contractual stuff involved with that for actors or whatever, more power to them.) But ffs, the show is managing to make me bored with the main fucking ship.

And then Roger gets the shit kicked out of him again and I’m here for it.

Because I still don’t like that guy.

(But seriously, framing the various Native American tribes as the “bad guys” is getting old af.)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #206

“have you ever wished for death and prayed all night for your last breath?”

Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No. When you’re out with friends, do they ever encourage you to spend money you should be saving? 1.) I don't hang out w/ anyone now, 2.) but even when I did, they all knew I didn't make money. Is there anything you’re trying to save up money for? What? Perpetually tattoos, I want a PS4 super badly to play a novel of games I've been dying to play (SotC and Spyro trilogy remaster, I'm @ing you so hard), I need a car soon as I plan to at least try and get my license in the near future, I'd love to always have enough to immediately go to Sara's in case of an emergency, a trip to South Africa... but those are gonna take a good while to complete. I have my priorities straight for when I get a job. Have you ever watched a movie you didn’t really want to see just because a friend asked you to? Yeah. Did you end up liking the movie, anyway? There's been many cases of the above situation, so I'm sure in some instances I have. Heard any great songs for the first time lately? What songs? Hmmm, quite a number. "Radio" by Rammstein is great, and I love "bury a friend" and "bad guy" by Billie Eilish. What is your favorite urban legend? m o t h m a n and the joysey devil. Probably top two. GAH I love so many though????????????? Like Skinwalkers?????????????? And WENDIGOS????????? Have you seen all the cool shit?????????????? Do you remember the last nightmare you had? What was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever hopped on any bandwagons? HAHA. Freshman year, high school... I "liked" screamo or alternative-type bands I'd barely ever listened to or even enjoyed to fit in with the emos aldkjfalkwejr. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? Definitely not a complete one, but I can get pretty annoyed if in WoW we're in a heroic dungeon and people don't know the mechanics you should have already learned + read new ones that're right there in the goddamn journal laksdjfaoweir and then some people just totally ignore your advice and alskdjfwleiruwqoeif x2. Then again I've been that confused asshole in a couple raiding situations BUT LOOK they're harder and I had too much to catch up on okay. Still no excuse by WHATEVER. Have elitists on a fansite ever intimidated or talked down to you? I don't believe so. Is there anything you swear you will never do again? A few things with certainty. How late do you usually stay awake? I can literally go to bed as early as 7 to as late as 11 or rarely later. I do NOT have a schedule. Started months ago, and at first it frustrated and stressed me out quite a bit, but by now, I've just accepted it for me. Do you have pets? If so, how did you choose their names? Teddy: sister named him, but I'm sure it was the "cute as a teddy bear" type thing; Bentley: no clue; Roman: it sounded majestic, cats are majestic; Venus: pretty, and her coloration is similar to the planet; Kaiju: totally badass for an iguana that's gonna grow to be a big 'ole scaly boy; and Mitsu: I had a theme of giving my rats cutesy "M" names. Do you ever buy special treats for your pets? Occasionally. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? Did a middle school student write this? If you're pretty fond of something, there you go, you're a fan. Sure, some are more intense, but that doesn't make the more casual ones not "real." What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? Idk, I don't pay attention. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? Christ, without. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? HA. No. It is RARE I'll find a cute one, and that's always only online. Make pretty ones for plus-sized women a normal find, jfc. Idk why, but I am very picky with bras. Like good fucking luck seeing me without a shirt, so like,,,, why do I bother????? What length do you like your shorts to be? UM you will NOT see me in SHORTS. Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? Perhaps Mom has when I was a kid? But I have no memory of this ever happening. Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so. Have you ever modified a piece of clothing and hated how it turned out? ^ What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Ah jeez, what's the last time I even watched one. Idk. What was the last disappointing book you read? And I haven't read a book in even longer. Is there anything you’re really excited about? JOB. OPPORTUNITIES. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Vines, like shit dude. I can go on massive binges. What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? I don't recall. What would you consider the greatest song ever recorded? Why? Yeesh, that's a big thing to decide. I recently discovered "A Reason to Fight" by Disturbed though, and it is. Incredible. Just read the lyrics to refresh my mind, and yeah, goosebumps. Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? Never seen any. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory, probably. But man, there's too many to choose from. Last thing you purchased just for fun? *shrugs* Do you even like behind-the-scenes stuff or does it ruin the magic for you? IF I'm real into the product, I love that stuff!! I've seen like every little BTS Silent Hill thing there is, probably, multiple hours' worth. What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? They're small and lightweight. What is your favorite thing about PCs? They generally hold much more memory. What are some errands you need to run soon? I don't have "errands" yet. Have your parents ever tried to convince people there was something wrong with you, when their “diagnosis” wasn’t accurate? No. List 3 of your best memories, times you wish you could go back and repeat. In no order, just as they come to me: 1.) First hug with Sara when we met at the airport; 2.) THE LOOK ON SARA'S FACE when she saw me in her room on her birthday (probably fave memory of all time, actually); 3.) seeing meerkats for the first time at the zoo. Ohhhh or maybe the true realization I was happy without Jason. But idk, that was SUCH a gradual process where I didn't feel ecstasy in like one moment. What color was your high school graduation gown? Ew, it was this obnoxious red. The majority apparently voted for it, while I was on the navy team. Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? Mom's pretty dead-set on me being a vet, but she doesn't try to push me into it or anything. I know she just wants happiness for me. I haven't got a clue about Dad. Have your dreams for your life changed? Of course. What are your dreams now? HAPPY, stable job that I thoroughly enjoy, well-off financially (I don't aim to be rich, just "safe," you could say), healthy marriage, own my own home, travel to a few places, did y'all think I was gonna forget "meet Mark???"... stuff like that. What was your dream as a child? It changed plenty of times, but my earliest goal was to be a paleontologist. Do you feel safe in your country? Sure, I guess. Safer than most places. If applicable, do you feel safe at your school? N/A Would you ever want to learn sign language? It'd be cool, sure, but it's not something I'm interested in pursuing. How many meals do you eat a day? 2-3. Sometimes just one "real" meal. Do you own any succulents? No. What color are your walls? A hideous puke green. Why. What color were the walls in the bedroom you grew up in? I don't remember at all. What was the last song you listened to on repeat? "Love Falls" by HELLYEAH. What is your favorite style (or styles) of dance? Modern. Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No. Have you ever sung a solo? No. Which insects are you afraid of? Most, really. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of an insect, when it’s so tiny? It depends on the insect, of course. Even if I do know what it is and it's "safe," I'll still typically freak if it surprises me. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Hmmm. Sara, I believe? What are you waiting for? Jesus FUCKING Christ on a bike a job. What do you usually feel like doing the most at home? Stuff on the laptop. What grade were you in when you had your first crush? I don't remember... For "puppy dog love," I believe maybe the 4th grade, but I may be wrong. I'd say my first *real* crush was on a guy named Sebastian in my freshman year of high school. Shit man, did a lot go down my freshman year. I'm just reminiscing and crushes jumped between like five dudes 'til Jason won. At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? Some time in middle school, I think? Like that's when I had my first bisexuality crisis: 6th or 7th grade. Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see the glitter inside? No, but FUCK I WANNA. What type of tree do you see the most of where you live? There's a pine tree outside my window. Oh, and there's a pine tree in my back yard. Oh, what's that across the road? Woods of pine trees. Where do all birds in NC live? In pine trees. What does our air smell like? Pine trees. Where is your favorite place you’ve lived? My previous home as far as location; house itself, where I am now. It's got its issues, but it's cozy and a perfect size for just two people. What states have you lived in? Just 'ole North Carolina. Take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay- Do you wish you were someone else? Sometimes. What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? Literally just flowers. That's it. It. Everything else can suck a legion of dicks. Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Girt, Jason (if he counts), Alon, Maria... I had a few "best" ones. ^Are they still your best friends now? Girt is my closest thing to a "best friend" if you don't include my girlfriend. Do you live near the mountains? No, they're on the opposite end of the state. ;___; Do you live near a beach? We're like, two-ish hours away. What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? Idk and idc, beaches aren't my thing. Do you collect seashells? Not seriously, but I'll keep a cool one if I find one. If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? If I was not ashamed of looking like a 23-y/o pre-teen in love with Just Bieber, I'd have more Markiplier merch than you'd fucking believe. (One of my biggest regrets in life was not buying the tasteful nudes calendar; I will eternally smite myself for being too embarrassed to have to explain why I would have that hanging above my bed rip.) If you had to pick one year and describe it as the best year of your life that you want to relive again, which year would it be? 2017 was fuckin litty titty. Is your world view the same as your parents’? In some ways with Mom, and I do know Dad and I differ on a few things. Well, if I learned more about his more political beliefs, I feel I'd probably disagree with most. What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Are you the person you thought you’d be when you were younger? No. Are you a confrontational person, or the peacekeeper? I'm a massive peacekeeper. I avoid confrontation like the PLAGUE. Do you like to read? Not nearly as much as I used to. Like all I ever read nowadays are RP posts as I obviously have to reply to them, but if they're long, it is common I procrastinate on reading it... ;_; Do you sleep too much or not enough? Probably too much, especially when I go to bed early. Although, I do wake up throughout the night and sometimes officially pretty early. Then some days I have a 1-2 hour nap, so that just adds to it. Who is your best friend? Sara. <3 How did you two meet? YouTube. How did you meet your current bf/gf? ^ How far away is your closest family member? Well I live with my mom, but she's at work atm. The last time you did something with BOTH of your parents was? BOY OH FUCKING BOY. My mom's the most bitter witch towards him, so even for family events, Dad usually only stops by to avoid creating a goddamn wreck, such as at birthday dinners. I think the last time they were in the same house was for my nephew's birthday half a year ago, I believe. What’s your favorite holiday? Halloween!!! Now that I have a niece and nephew who grasp the concept of Santa, Christmas is also really special to me. I don't want kids, but watching those sweethearts get so excited over their presents is magical. For me personally, the holiday has grown more and more about celebrating family, especially as we continue to branch out/go our own ways. So I guess I like the idea of Halloween better and would enjoy it more if I actually had something to do, but as far as joy goes, Christmas. Do you like pumpkin pie? I hate anything and everything pumpkin-flavored. The last time you went to the doctor, what were you there for? It was the see my psychiatrist. Do you take any medication regularly? Yeah. Is there any particular view you have on insane people? I see "insane" versus "sane" as far more of a gradient shift instead of a direct split; there're levels. I actually do legitimately think I at some juncture in the aftermath of the breakup qualified as slightly insane, yet I wasn't dangerous or entirely out of touch with reality. So if you tell me someone's actually insane, I'm going to fear them being the explosive, entirely unpredictable and loopy kind, but I know the person may be calm and somewhat stable on the outside, too. You gotta consider the severity. Do you believe in any conspiracies? 9/11 was orchestrated by the government and you cannot change my mind. I'm not totally sold on this one and lean more towards "nah" (I think), but the "we live in a simulation by a future civilization" is not that far-fetched at all if you actually look into it. It's very interesting, whether or not you're sold on it. Hell, Neil deGrasse Tyson firmly believes in it. Out of your friends, who is the funniest? Girt makes me laugh at the snap of his fingers, it seems. Anything you need to get rid of? I'm sure somewhere... Do you have any wasted talents? Animal knowledge and compassion, probably... I know I could make a fantastic rehabilitator for animals, among a plethora of other animal-related preservation and protection actions I could actively engage in. Well, I'm going back to school for zoology, but even now, I want to do more. There is a wildlife rehab place I may be able to volunteer at soon, tho! Mom's talking to a guy at work about me helping there. DAMN, livin a dream. Do you let the little things get to you? The issue could be as small as a single cell and it could still bother me. How often do you cry? Maybe once in a week, possibly longer. I don't know if you mean like really cry or just tear up/lightly cry. The latter is pretty common, but the other, not so much. Even if I want to cry, my jaw just entirely locks the hell up and I physically can't get it out. Is there anything you’re trying to prevent? I mean besides the common sense things everyone takes action to avoid, hm. I feel like there's so much, yet nothing is coming to me? Well, actually, it's usually a daily struggle to prevent at least one OCD cycle. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrug* When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life? It's been quite a while... At least over a year ago, when I began to get antsy with wanting a job and later going back to school. It just all started when I realized I was healed from the breakup and ready to move forward in life, but I wasn't. Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Multiple people. What colors has your hair been? Dirty blonde, brown, red, and purple. I've had red and purple highlights, and I naturally have blondish ones, too. I'm ready to dye it again, jfc. Most attempts are failures because my hair does NOT take color well whatsoever. It's only ever worked perfectly with the brand Splat, and my hair soaked in the dye for a LONG time before washing it out. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? We share interest in plenty of the same bands, Mom especially. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? No. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? MY LITTLE SISTER. Haven't seen the woman in three years, but I can promise you Jason's mom still has it to a legendary degree. How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes? I haven't looked for shoes in so long that I don't even know the average price. What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? Honey Nut Cheerios, normal Cheerios I think, and we have a little bit of the chocolate chunk Special K cereal left over. It's got to be stale by now (it's not even closed fully); I need to remember to toss it. What’s the last thing you spent over $10 on? Ummm I'm not sure. Over $30? I think my tongue piercing was $40? Maybe even lower? Or slightly higher?? I don't remember. Do you know who lives three houses down from you? I think so. The one time I was locked out of my house in the snow with Teddy and I waited like a fucking hour until I broke down, absolutely freezing (I was in my pajamas, dude), and walked down the road to try and get help (I needed to call my mom, obviously, and I didn't have my phone), I believe it was the third neighbor who answered. Turned out being a retired deputy who was super intimidating yet kind at the same time; he let Teddy and me stay in his house (mind you, Teddy is incontinent and didn't have his diaper on, which I warned him about) while Mom was on her way home. He gave me a jacket and some water, even when I said I was fine, but you could tell he wasn't totally sure about trusting this random, sobbing girl at his door because he asked me a thousand questions about my story and quizzed if I really did live in this area. Obviously a good cop, but after a day like that, I was just terrified of an old man who appeared a bit gruff. But thankfully Mom got there to save the day and I am forever grateful for that guy. WOW what a story for a simple question. Is there a bulletin board in your room? No. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? "Health freak" seems a bit extreme for both of them, but Mom is more concerned about health in general. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We just have tortilla chips, I think. I try to keep snacks out of the house to avoid temptation, and who eats plain tortilla chips. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Mom's. What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Most would probably notice my Nightmare Before Christmas poster first, being as big as it is and on the wall opposite the entrance. Do you prefer the truth, even if it’s harsh? YES. I NEED to know this kinda stuff, even if the truth is really hard to hear. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I don't think so. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? I think I did when my very first band teacher did. EVERYONE loved him. Like, the entire school. Does your kitchen look like it was designed in a completely different decade? No? When’s the last time you wore heels? Great question. Probably not since my sister's wedding in '16. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? My grampa's on Mom's side. What’s the best date movie? Probably a rom com? Have your parents ever been out of the country? No. How many pairs of jeans, all together, are in your house? Zero. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I'll swear under my breath or seethe in frustration, but I never yell. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? No. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Whenever she starts dating a guy, she dips, and whenever/if ever we talk, she rambles absolutely endlessly about him. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't possibly care less about how your eyebrows look. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman and Bentley sure do. Bentley is a Professional Fly Moncher, specifically. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Uhhh good question. Probs the night before Sara got here for my b-day. What is your mom’s favorite movie? Hm, good question! I'd ask her, but I don't want her to ask me why I am lmao. What TV family reminds you of your own family? Probably none. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? No. I don't remember what I thought, but I know it wasn't that. Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No, I think? Well Dad gives my sisters and me way too much money for Christmas and always tells us to ask him if we need anything, but I pretty much never ask him for said things, so I don't know the extent he'd go. Are there any drawers in your house that are just filled with junk? Pretty much. Is the last person you spoke to in love? That's my mom, so I doubt that with all I know. Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? I don't believe so. What was the last movie to make you cry? I think the last was Coco. Moana may have made me tear up, but I can't remember... Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? Not to my memory. What time do you usually go to sleep at sleepovers, if ever? I haven't been to a sleepover in God knows how long. Who was the main character in the last book you read? Alice Liddell. Who are the last people you saw kiss? Via YouTube, Jeffree and his boyfriend. Irl, I don't know. Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No. Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not very much. Like I've had brief daydreams about it, sure, but it's not something that's on my mind a lot. Still got a long time before that happens. What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up? My cat not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Well, it depends; stars if we're in a completely isolated area where you can see them crystal clear or the clouds are boring, but otherwise, clouds if their design and colors are cool. Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No. Do you ever wonder what the opposite sex do at sleepovers? No. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom, no questions asked. When’s the last time you broke plans? Why? I wasn't feeling well. I was supposed to see my VR coach that day. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes, my sister's. I was a bridesmaid. It was an absolutely awful experience because I was hot as fuck, it was triggering as HELL with me still grieving Jason, and I felt positively hideous in a dress when I was at such a horrible weight. I wish so dearly I could redo that day; I fell like I put a serious damper on my sister's big day. Would you feel safer with an alarm system or security cameras? Hm, depends on the scenario... I guess an alarm system? Like security cameras will show a murderer climbing through my window, but they're not gonna wake me up to save my ass. Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? So long it smells nice, isn't watery, and doesn't only add oil to my hair, I don't care much. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit in front, in the back, or in the middle? Hm... idk. When I took the bus home with Jason, we always sat in the back, and that's really the only time I took a bus regularly. I think otherwise, I'd prefer the middle, closer to the front? I think I usually did that on occasions like band competitions and such. Have you ever been on a cross-country train ride? No. Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, that's rare. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Meerkat Manor. Though I would hope they'd lessen down on the false story-telling. Stick to the true KMP events. When you feel stressed, do you take things out on the wrong people? Sometimes. Do you even wear any jeans other than skinny anymore? I don't wear jeans period. What did you talk about at lunch today with your friends? N/A Are you sensitive to caffeine? Definitely not. My system's too used to it, probably. How do you usually get around? Mom drives me. I'm 23. :^) Which languages do you wish you could speak fluently in? German. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? SURPRISINGLY no, at least to my memory. Do you like Vitamin Water? Never tried, don't want to. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Dad and me on his birthday. Do you know anyone that uses Sprint as their phone carrier? Idk. Well, I think. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? Sometime during Bobby's visit literally days ago. I already forgot who took it... and who else was in it lmao. Do you own a pair of slippers? Yeah, two. A meerkat pair and then a far less extra pair that're closer to socks. I think they have cats on them? I got them for Christmas I think and haven't worn or seen them much. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? Not a fan of either, but Carrie Underwood is more tolerable and even has a couple songs I enjoy. Name something negative that you hate about yourself: I'll jump to a conclusion within .02 seconds of something negative happening. Or not even "negative" or something that's purely in my head. Is your house currently hot, cold or just right? The house itself is fine, and my room is just right because I have my fan on. Is there a Dead End road near where you live? I can't think of one off the top of my head, but it's likely, really. There's lots of those here. Growing up, did you see your cousins often? No. We live many states away on both parents' sides. Where was your first job at? GameStop. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot? (Celebrities) It's been like two days and I'm over seeing the James Charles/Tati drama everywhere. You can't be interested in the YouTube community without being drowned in that shit right now somehow someway on any YT-coverage page and YouTube itself. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? I personally haven't. Would you date someone who’s shorter than you? I very openly and severely judge you if fucking height means that much to you. Do you mind being the third wheel? Not really, no. I'd only feel uncomfortable if they were getting pretty intimate. Has a kiss ever made you weak in the knees? Um I didn't know that was actually a thing so no. Do you feel comfortable buying condoms? Never been in that position. Have you ever dated two people at once? No. Have you ever been tested for STDs? No. Well wait, that time I gave blood I probably was just out of safety protocol. Have you ever run into your ex with his/her new sweetie? No. Have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? When I was in that "wait does this break the abstinence rule" phase, yeah. God was I technical. Have you ever had a condom break during sex? N/A Do your parents know if you’re having sex? Well considering I'm with a girl and she lives states away, that answer's obvious. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Chips. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? A dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? A painter, maybe? If I could play the electric guitar, though... idk. What social media sites do you visit the most? Facebook. What did you hair look like in high school? Long, thick as fuck, brown (or dyed black) with some sort of highlight, and it was split to the left with the hair swooped over my right eye. Basically "I want the emo swoop but my hair is too fucking thick to obey hairspray." :^) Which dollar store do you shop at? Depends on what's closest, usually. We rarely ever stop at one unless it's for candy to bring into the movie theater, seriously lol. I think usually Dollar General? Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? WE DON'T KNOW EITHER. Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y b o y s Has anyone ever given you the silent treatment? Yep. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? I learned on that day I hate giving blowjobs. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No, thankfully. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you ‘shortie’ instead of girl? BOY I would fucking cackle. I hate that word. No. Do you ever watch The Simpsons? No. Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed? OH MY GOD I remember that!!! But no. What IS your most embarrassing moment? Too lazy to go through the novel of 'em to pick the worst. Do you think you’re more cute or sexy? You assume I find myself either. Do you own any mini skirts? I don't own any skirts period. Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes? No. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost? Idk. Has your mom ever lied to you? I'm sure she has before. Do you have a deep voice? For a girl, yeah. When’s the last time someone made breakfast for you? *shrugs* Exclusively for me, probably never. Do you do something new with your hair practically every day? No, it's the same everyday. When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is? Delivery guy. Has anyone ever licked your foot? Ew no. Do you play games with boys/girls, like ‘hard to get’? I'm not 15. Has a guy ever quoted a romantic Shakespeare line to you? No, and I'm glad, as I'd cringe into another realm. Is there a Sonic where you live? Yes, I LIVE- Do you smile with your teeth? Usually. I look less high, at least. What did you eat for lunch today? A pb&j. What do you like on your pizza? Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers. What is in the back seat of your car right now? I don't own a personal car. Mom has a a load of stuff in the back of hers, at least I think... That's super rare, but she's been so ungodly busy idk if she's had time to clean it out. I haven't paid attention so can't recall. What was the last thing you threw up? Idr. Menthol or regular cigarettes? I don't smoke and never have, so idk. What is your favorite episode of Friends? I don't watch it, and I haven't seen many episodes at all if for whatever reason I was in a room and it was on. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you been to a strip club? No. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Hell if I remember. It had to either be my 16th birthday when Jason's family was all together watching the Super Bowl, or a hockey game with my dad. Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my sister's. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? Nicole. Ever go to camp? No. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yeah. Do you have a tan? HA no. How old do you want to be when you have kids? I don't want kids. Are you someone’s best friend? Yeah. Favorite gemstone? Dragon's breath opal. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru, almost always. Does your first memory involve your dad? No. When was the last time you went swimming? Last summer at the beach. Holy fuck the water was so perfect. Has your luggage ever gotten lost? No. Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? No. Like... just why. Do you ever get flu shots? No.

[just-folie-a-deux-it]

How did you realize you were pansexual? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. :) -☔

Nah I’m totally cool w/ it. It’s a little bit of a long (sad/funny) story but what it comes down to is in middle school there was this girl who I knew was bi and she would flirt with me and I was like “Yes good this is nice” and she’d like cuddle with me and shit and so I was like “Hmm maybe I’m bi” and back in 6th grade I had this huge crush on my best friend and I told her I guess a year or two later but she’s hella straight so nothing came of it so I was like “Maybe not bi?” but then this girl now flirting with me was like “Oh..maybe bi yes?” like it was pretty back and forth and I remember one night my mom was doing something on the computer and I walked up to her and was like “I think I’m bi” and she was like “Okay” but I’m p sure she didn’t take me seriously at the time. Well flash forward to this party and that girl who flirted with me kissed me and here’s where it gets sad/funny but like okay that kiss was so bad (not to say like she’s bad or whatever) that I was like “NO BI NO BI STRAIGHT” and for a long time after I was like “I’m straight, I tried, didn’t like it, I’m straight” but then I ended up just like falling head over heels in love with my other best friend through a long and arduous process though anytime anyone asked me I was like “What??? No??? We’re just gals being pals?????” but we’d hold hands and cuddle and she made my stomach turn in knots she was so beautiful and I would get sooo upset when she had boyfriends like it was real messy and I was small and convinced I was not a gay even though my mom was like “I really think you have feelings for her, you just don’t know it” and I was like “WRONG” when in reality she was RIGHT well finally in like Freshman year of high school (I would have been like 15) I was like “Oh shit I’m in love with her” and I was so shook and like couldn’t deal that I wrote her this long ass letter with a playlist and all sorts of shit like there were something like six files on my computer and I was convinced I would give her this letter + goodies that confessed my undying angsty gay love for her in my senior year before I graduated, and then I was gonna run away and never talk to anyone ever again and start my life over doing god knows what. That was my plan. I shit you not. Well I got impatient because four years is a long time to sit around and stew in angsty gay love for your best friend who keeps getting new boyfriends you hate so I went ahead and emailed her (EMAILED HER OF ALL THINGS) that fucking letter and the playlist and shit (among the other things I sent were: a list of memories I had of us that were my favorite, a looonng list of things I loved about her from how her hair looked Ariel from the little mermaid to how she said my name, and this like journal entry type thing I would write when we were hanging out that had my thoughts like “Shit I wanna kiss you but you’re dating so and so”. A hot gay mess, if you will) and then she was like “Can we meet up tomorrow?” and I was like “Umm sure” so we did (at McDonald’s jfc) and she was like “I have a boyfriend” and I was like ‘Yes I know” and she was like “But I have feelings for you too like remember this one time [insert time] I wanted to kiss you then but I was too scared” and so we talked and she was like “I’m not leaving my boyfriend” and I was like “Yes I figured that was how this would go down” and after that for a while things were weird and we kinda stopped being friends and then later we started being friends and ended up I guess you could say hooking up but like idk it was more than that maybe? Maybe not who knows, nonetheless her boyfriend ended up joining a cult and they broke up and we haven’t talked in like two years. And that’s how I realized I liked boys and girls and then later on I saw this article about being pan and immediately related and took up that label so here we are. Sorry for that long and dramatic explanation. 

[ted-hyung]

as a b1a4 supremacist, what do you think one should do to get to know them? i only recently kind of got into them because i didnt really know them until sandeul released his solo album

that’s CNU, btw, used to invent long hair before nuest ren or seventeen jeonghan.

also used to rock hipster glasses before it was cool. kang daniel the shoulder gangster? idk her. it’s CNU.

anyway.

where should i start? BUT a major note to take about B1A4 is they went from this:

(RIP FASHUN)

to this:

hallelujah. read more here.

listen, friend, i go way back with B1A4. i literally cried watching this subbed video lmaooo skip to 43:40.

it’s from MTV MATCH UP B1A4 X BLOCK B eps 8. rip me wyd. let’s talk about B1A4 and block b. they were the shits back then yo. 2011 was their debut year; two boy groups from unknown agencies tackling two different genres and images and MTV GOD BLESS MTV GAVE THEM A MATCHING VARIETY SHOW. you can watch B1A4 cuts here and you will see the legendary dread!zico tryna to win over gentle jinyoung-hyung and FAILED BIG TIME who’s crying with me.

block b will always hold a place in my heart. do you know who invented hep hap? it’s block b. their “new kids on the block”, “welcome to the block”, and “blockbuster” albums have no fault. none. but then they’re hep hap no more and i lost them.

B1A4 KOREAN DISCOGRAPHY + PERSONAL SONG REC, from latest to newest. i believe you can find the newest albums on SPOTIFY JFC why can’t day6.

LET’S FLY (2011): please listen to “only one” lmao. “only learned the bad things” was so, so, so sweet for my skinny freshman ass. i love it.

IT B1A4 (2011): lbr “beautiful target” was the best. watch them grow from you zoom zoom my heart like a rocket to CNU’s iconic everybody say la la. also “chu chu chu” was super chill. “fooool”? you’d find yourself singing along upon first listen.

IGNITION (2012): EVERYTHING IN THIS ALBUM BUT THE TITLE TRACK AKA MY HYUNG JUNG JINYOUNG’S FIRST TACKLE ON PRODUCING GEMS. also sandeul has a solo track here TITLED “CRUSH” GO FIND IT NOW.

IGNITION SPECIAL EDITION (2012): “baby goodnight” is so iconic i’m still side-eyeing newer idols who aren’t singing it to the camera while they’re preparing to go to sleep LMAOOOOOOOOO.

IN THE WIND (2012): yes they graced us BANA with 3 albums back in 2012. “TRIED TO WALK” HANDS DOWN ONE OF THEIR BEST SONGS. TOP 5. i’m the president of na honja ireoke opening line. i have a shrine for that line. the most impactful opening line of all songs, korean or not. amen. listen to all tracks please please. you’ll find the B1A4 distinct flavor on “what do you want to do”. like. go. now.

WHAT’S HAPPENING (2013): B1A4 wore fancy stuffs during this promotion. me ghosta. but DO YOU LIKE BALLAD? “good love” had me on the floor. then i read the translation and i died.

WHO AM I (2014): jesus lord and savior. this album. jesus f christ man THIS ALBUM. LISTEN TO EVERY SINGLE THING HERE PLEASE. “baby” further wow me about baro’s voice. “too much” WHICH IS SANDEUL + GONGCHAN’S DUET? fuck lmao we’re talking about heartbreak here and mine’s bleeding whenever i listen to “too much”. “DRUNK WITH MUSIC” tho. wow CNU-hyung. killed. this. concept. i can’t. you’re lying if your shoulders aren’t moving along and if your head isn’t nodding along. it’s THAT good. you’ll feel the swag. seriously.

SOLO DAY (2014): summer means “solo day”. period. it’s my summer jam. it should be YOURS. “drive” is so so so good. it has asphalt in the lyric. honestly do listen. also if you’re JYP stan do realize B1A4 had collaboration with min and suzy and in this album, sunmi. awesome.

SWEET GIRL (2015): oh my girl visual slash vocal slash handsome girl jiho is in the music video for the title track “sweet girl”. life’s good. in “wait” BARO IS SINGING I REPEAT BARO IS SINGING AND BANA prolly cried everywhere. and jinyoung wailing i can’t stop thinking about you girl everyday, everyday? LMAO BYE.

GOOD TIMING (2016): “a lie”, undoubtedly quenched BANA’s thirst after one whole year. have you watched “a lie” live on music shows? if the ‘touch my cheek tell me i’m not lying’ isn’t the best point of all dance point then idk what to trust. yes, i’m that supremacist LMAO. “crushing on you again” is so sweet, so very winter season love song aka B1A4’s very own color. they should be dubbed as winter season kings because their releases during fall/winter (in the wind, who am i, good timing) are the be(a)sts. “nightmare” paved the road for winner’s “really really” LMAO i’m joking. but not really. i mean baro and mino are practically brothers. “in dreams” sounds so fucking dreamy, like i said, totally winter season love song. “i’ll find you” makes me long for someone it shall inspire y’all. “together” is the one last song that leaves you wonder if these singing strangers are really worth our money and time and dedication and the answer is YES BECAUSE B1A4 RECORDED THIS SONG WITH KOREAN BANAS. jesus.

okay.

it’s july 2017. my bro baro is acting in a drama now. sandeul, your man, has collab with a starship kid. does it mean we’re going to have another winter season album? i’d say amen.

bonus: this is my fave pic of them.

if you’ve heard of it jinyoung is a composer. he’s well noted by other idols and important people in the industry lmao. he also acts. wow. i don’t follow girl groups, but LMAO THIS SONG? “AT THE SAME PLACE” MADE BY JINYOUNG HELPED B1A4 TO GET MORE RECOGNITION. this time i gotta thank mnet for the opportunity. and for the girls who were so sweet fangirling towards my hyung jung jinyoung.

listen to my ult oh my girl’s “one step two step” here and say yes that you can hear jinyoung’s magic there. i’ll just link to the BEST FANCAM EVER.

HERE’S THEM SINGING THE LEGENDARY SONG THEMSELVES:

AND JINYOUNG COMPOSED THE NEWEST GIRL GROUP BOP “DEEP BLUE EYES” wow my hyung shall be crowned as THE PRINCE OF GIRL GROUP BOPS. like.

i cry a lot. but promise this is the last time. i cried watching sandeul’s music video for his solo debut “stay as you are” but y kno it already. help my bro reach 1 million views before a year please.

fun fact: been with them since 2011. never got into shipping business, just here purely for the music and the people. they’re like friends that i’ve known for a long time; we don’t necessarily stay in touch but i always think of them fondly, y feel? i find new friends as i get older every year, yet i’ll always be the first to congratulate them if they reach another milestone in their respective lives y kno? moral of this story: don’t ship for a long lasting stanning TROOLOLOLOLLOLOLO.

this is comprehensive.

i hope i helped.

everyone please have a good weekend.

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

A guy I’ve known since freshman year is in my creative nonfiction writing class and so far he’s ignored me. But that’s okay, because the feeling is utterly mutual, aka I’ve ignored him right back. (Passive-aggressive tendencies run through my veins, have I mentioned that? Or maybe you’ve noticed, just through my writing?)

Anyway, it’s weird to be back in class, including with some people I’ve had in my other classes (some, or one, who I am not amused about sitting next to, jfc. I would like her to leave me alone, THANKS) and it just feels so strange. Like my professor (who is really cool AND ALSO FOR SOME REASON REMINDS ME OF CHRISSIE HYNDE WTF? I DON’T EVEN) asked us to write some descriptive words we would use to describe ‘creative’ and ‘nonfiction’ and I found it slightly ironic that for ‘creative’ I wrote strange because that’s how I feel today. I feel strange. I’m not even sure I’m a human today, honestly. And I was thinking about how I have to go back to school for two classes tomorrow and I couldn’t stop thinking about how ‘I have to human twice tomorrow.’ Aka go to class and appear engaged and friendly (what’s that? …actually I’m kidding, mostly) and basically not like a piece of shit which is how I feel right now, along with strange, but feeling like a piece of shit is what I’ve been feeling for, you know, a month now, so that’s just my constant state of being.

I keep worrying about my finals for my other classes that I haven’t completed yet, too. Every time I think about trying to do them my brain just goes, ‘LMAO WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT YOU CAN’T DO THAT’ and even though the blogger Jenny Lawson said in her book that in order to defy depression she’d be “furiously happy,” I don’t know how to do that. I’m still depressed, you know, in spite of everything wonderful that’s happened to me since my visit to the hospital, so I can’t even resist depression’s lies. I know depression lies, but it’s like I can’t hear anything else. I’m just so immersed in this depressing pile of bullshit and I feel like I have been since I was a kid, so it’s like…I don’t know how to be anything else. I don’t know how to be any different. ‘Cause when I was in therapy, I remembered how I acted in middle school – I clung to my friends (literally, a lot of the time) but at the same time I was so horribly depressed that I know I showed on my face and in my body language that I fucking hated myself, so that made everyone sort of run in the opposite direction even though I really wanted them to stay. It’s been the worst challenge for me to ask for help when I need it, and you know, it still is. Even though I told my roommate I wanted to kill myself, I still only told her that I wanted to give up. That’s not asking for help, that’s trying to accept a fate that apparently isn’t meant for me (whatever that means).

I just feel like I don’t know how to depend on myself for what I need instead of depending on other people to just know what I need. First I have to know what I need and be able to communicate that but that’s always what’s most difficult. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s bothering me, I just know I feel awful and I want it to stop but saying that to someone wouldn’t garner results, you know, they might just be like, “Uh…well, what do you want me to do?” Like, great question, I’m still trying to figure that out for myself. Like when I start repeating the ‘I hate myself’ mantra, I try to quiet it, literally shush it in my mind, but that’s not always enough, and I can’t always be louder than that mantra. It’s like I have to learn to take back my inner voice but I didn’t know it’s been missing this whole time.

I think maybe I’m kind of feeling like, right now, besides strange and ‘like a piece of shit,’ I feel like I don’t know how to be me again. I don’t know who I am or who I was before, but something’s different, and it hurts worse now. At least before I could kind of cover it up, you know, only have someone like my mom really see my breakdowns, but my roommates saw it and the police saw it and I think now I’m broken because I can’t take back what they saw, even if they don’t even really think about it. Just knowing it happened is what still kills me, I guess. Maybe it’s like pride I didn’t know I had. Maybe that’s what’s preventing me from completing my finals, too…because I have to go back to who I was before this, before I broke for the millionth time even though apparently this time was different. One thing I know, though, is that I won’t break the same way again. There’s some more or less pieces of me that’ll break next, whenever that may be, if ever. But now I have to put myself back together with what I do or don’t have…I don’t know, I can’t really feel anything.

[amorremanet]

Sebastian

“ten facts about my characters” meme


1. The background on his phone is currently El Greco’s 1585 Pieta. He wanted to have a picture of one of his dogs, but then he felt like he was being mean to the other five, so he set it to the late Chewie but that just made him feel terrible because she just passed away in March, so he and Pete tried to get all six of the dogs on Seb’s couch at once but they wouldn’t cooperate, so Seb gave up and picked a painting that he likes.


(and while Seb and Pete were trying to corral six dogs onto the couch for a family portrait, Margot just kinda sat aside in one of the chairs, reading and casually telling her boys, “This isn’t going to work” and then she got to go, “I told you so” when it didn’t)



2. Seb loves nicknames, both giving and receiving, but probably his favorite nickname is the one that Pete gave him back in high school, 
“Princess.”

He earned that nickname because he was babbling about how princesses are actually pretty cool, and they can get shit done, and Pete was torn between enjoying this and being frustrated because he had to finish writing an essay for class, so he went, “Okay, if you stop talking about it right now, you can be MY princess. Would that make you happy?”

Long story short, yes. It made Seb very happy.

That said, Pete is the only one who’s allowed to call him, “Princess.” Partly, this is because Pete gets possessive of the nickname because he likes having special nickname privileges and Seb likes making his best friend happy.

On the other hand, it’s partly because Seb is used to most folks who aren’t Pete using, “Princess” to refer to him in a more dismissive, if not outright derogatory, way. There are some people whom he’d mostly be okay with using the term, if not for how much Pete likes having exclusive nickname privileges, but most people are not on that list.

But most people will be told, “I’m Pete’s Princess, not yours,” or if they try it in front of Pete, they might get told, “Hey, he’s my Princess, not yours.”

Just…… it’s not your nickname, please don’t use it.



3. In “your OC’s as text post meme” land, one of the ones that I gave him was, “in alcohol’s defense I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too” — which is true.

Like, for example, his lower-back tattoo of Oscar Wilde’s line from De Profundis, “Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling” — which he got in the area of the lower back that is usually called something misogynistic that rhymes with, “damp scamp,” and then he was completely shocked when Todd, Margot, and Pete thought it was about sucking dick.

And Margot and Todd at least tried to explain it, while Pete just could not and fell over laughing because this was the funniest thing to happen all week, and Seb was just like, “Oscar Wilde was talking about prayer! And redemption! It’s from his prison letter to Bosie! I can see where you’re coming from but it’s not about sucking dick, oh my god, why is everyone being like this!”

—and right as Pete finally started calming down, Todd started to go, “Well… I mean, were you drinking? Just tell people you were drunk.”

Seb: “………I was completely sober. *blushes scarlet as Pete falls over laughing again**”

Seb doesn’t regret this tattoo, exactly (because if he did, he could and probably would just get it removed). But he does feel exceptionally silly for not even thinking that it was, in Pete’s words, “Like putting ‘nympho’ on the ass of your jeans, but in tattoo form” (though he still maintains that jfc, that’s not what the quote was about, why is everyone like this)



4. Seb can drive a motorcycle, and owns one, but since his cousin Jeremy died, he hasn’t really been able to ride it without getting upset and, sometimes, having panic attacks that he refuses to admit are panic attacks, because those are for people who have, “real problems” (i.e., literally everyone but him).

Anyway, he doesn’t know it yet (because they haven’t met each other yet), but Sara Grace is very interested in learning how to ride a motorcycle, and while Seb isn’t going to full-on teach her himself, he’ll be glad to give her a couple pointers, and once she has her license, he’ll gladly give her Bettie.

He absolutely named his bike after Bettie Page, because he’s a loser nerd.

5. Seb can be incredibly frustrating to deal with about some things, because he’s so open to hearing other people’s perspectives on things, and hearing most kinds of new information, and revising his opinions about most things…… but then there are other things that he just will not listen about until reality kicks him in the ass, and even that isn’t always a guarantee.

A lot of this has to do with his until-recently undiagnosed and thus untreated or improperly treated depression. Other parts of it have to do with the PTSD that he “totally doesn’t have” (i.e., he totally does have PTSD, but he thinks that he can’t possibly have PTSD because that would be an actual problem, and he doesn’t have any actual problems, because reasons).

The biggest underlying theme in the things that he’s stubborn about is that they go back to things like devaluing himself, invalidating himself and his feelings and his problems, hurting himself and/or justifying it, denying the possibility that he deserves nice things or that nice things are happening to him (e.g., “There’s no way that Stephen is flirting with me, he’s just being nice, he’s a nice person” — Seb, to Pete, after Stephen had just tried to make a joke about sleeping with Seb*), denying that anything is wrong with him or his life or anything, etc.

But, seriously? This is a guy who can, without missing a beat, jump right from complaining about how his big brother Max low-grade hates Margot and Todd, even though Max doesn’t really know them and rejects most information that contradicts his preconceived ideas of who they are and what they mean to Seb…… to insisting that Max probably hates him based more on his own anxiety and self-loathing than on any actual facts evidence of what Max feels about him

Seb is also a guy who can tell you in earnest that he’s a complete idiot, while reading Proust in the original French (and possibly complaining that none of the English translators really get it right), or can tell you that he’s an idiot and follow it up with a completely off-the-cuff lesson on Latin grammar and vocabulary, and just

Trusting Seb’s opinions about himself is a bad idea, because his opinions about himself usually have only a very select relation to reality and some things will end up being magnified while others are ignored, and he’s just not always a reliable narrator



6. Seb is a Hufflepuff, even though he doesn’t appreciate what that means because the HP series isn’t really his thing and he only got Pottermore-Sorted as part of helping Todd apologize to his teenage niece, Bianca. If Seb did understand what this means, he’d probably identify with the stereotype of, “Hufflepuff, ‘taking the lot’ means that they’re the reject House, lol” because that’s how he feels, even if it’s

 not actually accurate.

The Hufflepuff stereotype that he more accurately fits is the, “you have ten fingers? I have ten fingers! Let’s be friends!” one

Granted, it’s a lot harder for him to be like that than it used to be when he was younger, but Seb is still someone who:

decided that he wanted to be Margot’s friend because of how she seemed interesting and cool during the few minutes they spent paired up in a, “get to know the people on your hall” exercise in their freshman year of undergrad

called his Mom after meeting Todd for the first time (and trying to ask him out on a date-date, but botching it a bit and instead getting platonic coffee), because he was just so happy to have made a new friend, even if he’d totally failed to convey any potential romantic interest

and started his first conversation with the guy who would become his sponsor by noticing the CD case for Judy at Carnegie Hall in Nick’s bag and proceeding to kinda geek out at Nick about it, then ask for a bunch of Nick’s opinions

and after having a nice chat with Nick at the after-meeting coffee talk, Seb went home, where Margot was waiting with his dogs, and went, “So, I met someone at group who I really like and I really want him to like me, he’s this nice older guy, he has a cat and a husband and apparently quite a few stories that I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface of, he owns an art gallery, his name is Nick, I really like him, omg”

7. Seb is a devout Catholic. It’s pretty easy for people to forget this fact (even his sponsor Nick, and sometimes even his parents), but that’s mostly because:

1. being devout doesn’t mean that he acts like what most people he deals with consider a, “good Catholic boy” (to be fair, he used to act more like that, but he really hasn’t since he was about sixteen, because that was when he had to leave his Catholic school in a pretty Not Good series of events, went to his Dad’s old prep school instead, and in short, went through Some Shit);

and 2. he hasn’t ever seen a contradiction between being gay and non-celibate and totally fine with his sexuality, and being Catholic. If you ask Seb, though, the biggest problems he’s ever had here have had jack squat to do with God or Jesus or his faith, and everything to do with other human beings being homophobic dicks who only liked him as long as they believed hat he was straight.

The latter problem has been slightly relieved by him switching churches, which was pretty much entirely Margot’s doing.

Like, Seb was more or less resigned to sucking it up and going to Mass with a priest who was openly homophobic, and fellow parishioners who had a tendency to be pitying but kinda sorta sympathetic when he showed up looking like shit because he was probably up all night and was likely hungover or still kinda drunk, and might gently mention a second-cousin who had a lot of success with this AA group or that therapist one moment, then say some homophobic bullshit the next because they had no idea they were talking to a gay man

So, Margot found a different parish — one that technically isn’t sanctioned by the Vatican but was started by two gay men who left seminary to be together, and is socially and politically liberal-to-progressive and very pro LGBTQ — and she only didn’t bodily drag Seb to it because he’s 6’3”, she’s 4’11”, and he’s physically stronger than she is besides.

Instead, she went, “I am your friend, I’m concerned about you, and the only way to make me be less concerned, right now? Is to stop acting like the only way to fulfill your spiritual needs is essentially emotional self-harm. You don’t need to debase yourself by fake smiling and catering to those people, they don’t deserve it”


As far as most people are concerned, Margot intervened and started dragging Seb to a different and technically non-Vatican-sanctioned church out of enlightened self interest. Going to his previous church was fucking him up, which was screwing with her ability to work and their, “business ventures,” and that’s it, because Margot has trouble admitting to most people that she has a heart or ever does nice things for other people.

Anyway, another positive here is that Seb is now on legitimately good terms with the people at church, rather than, “good terms as long as they don’t know he’s gay, or fake good terms where he spends most of their conversations internally screaming,” from the other parishioners to the staff and priests.

The youngest of the priests, Fr. Teddy, is one of the few people out of the huge number of contacts in Seb’s phone who’s saved as a favorite.

They have a standing friendly coffee-date every Sunday after Mass, and although Seb doesn’t entirely know if he’s “allowed” to call Teddy a friend or not (because he has a lot of trouble with that in general), they know each other pretty well, Teddy didn’t exactly save Seb’s life once but did get him to help when he couldn’t exactly do it himself, Teddy was there at Seb’s intervention, and Seb is on a first-name basis with Joel, Teddy’s nice Jewish boyfriend while Teddy is on a first-name basis with Margot and Pete, knows Todd kinda but more knows of him, and will be eager to meet Stephen, once he and Seb get serious.

Teddy isn’t exactly skeptical of this superhero thing that Seb sort of stumbled into, but he’s watched someone else he cares about go into it with good intentions only to end up selling out and doing nothing for anyone but himself anymore, so Teddy’s a bit wary

The person in question was Teddy’s cousin Elliott. He’s a member of the All-Stars team out of Manhattan, and…… well. There are a lot of reasons why Teddy doesn’t talk about their connection, and only one of them is that he cares about protecting Elliott’s secret identity, since he’s only famous as his costumed alter-ego.



8. Seb’s only been going to AA and NA meetings for a year-and-a-half, when the story starts, and he already has more than a few examples of Times When He Showed Up For Group While Wearing Something Unfortunate Or Just Barely Avoided This, including but not limited to:

The time he wasn’t paying attention and put on a t-shirt with the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey label on it, simple because it happened to be clean, and when Pete went, “Uh, Princess? Really?” and offered to run back to Seb’s place so he could change, Seb’s solution was to take the shirt off in the middle of their favorite coffee shop, turn it inside out, and put it back on

The time he wasn’t paying attention and threw on a shirt that Todd had left at his place, which was somewhat oversized on Seb, but was also one of the sexual innuendo shirts that Todd, “only wears ironically” (i.e., he totally thinks they’re funny, because Todd has the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old looking up cuss words in the dictionary and just learned what 69 means, but Todd is also a pretentious hipster fuck who can’t just admit that he thinks his stupid sexual innuendo t-shirts are funny, so he has to misuse the term, “irony” to justify wearing them)

Anyway, Seb went to his Friday night NA wearing this little number (a purple shirt with a cartoon bubble tea and a caption that says, “suck my balls”), and actually, he probably would’ve been okay just wearing that, but Pete took it as a sign that Seb and Todd were having sex again (which they weren’t, at least not right within ten days of that incident), and got exasperated and Dramatic™ about sex that his bestie hadn’t even been having


The time when he wasn’t paying attention and grabbed one of Pete’s shirts (which was: 1. just at Seb’s place, because Pete’s over often enough to justify having some spare clothes around, and Seb hadn’t sorted out the laundry yet; and 2. already small on Pete because he wanted it to be tighter-fitting), and Seb sort of just assumed that he’d screwed something up and shrunk the shirt, and maybe this would’ve gotten cleared up if Pete had been able to meet him for coffee before group

—but Pete couldn’t meet for coffee, so Seb showed up in a hot pink Female Trouble t-shirt that was almost a crop-top on him, and didn’t put everything together until Pete got there and went, “Oh, I wondered where I left that.”


And hey, on the second anniversary of his cousin Jeremy’s death, Seb is going to end up going to NA in a pair of scrub pants that belonged to one of Pete’s exes and got left in Pete’s car for over a year, a crop top that belongs to Pete (though, as far as shirt designs go, a black shirt that says, “too cute to be straight” isn’t really that bad), and a pair of sandals that Seb thought he lost but actually they were also in Pete’s car all this time

This is going to happen because Seb still won’t have that much control over his shifts because no one will have worked out what triggers them, exactly, or what La Bête’s deal is.

So, when he and Pete visit Jeremy’s grave, Seb’s emotional upset triggers a shift that he can’t stop, and Pete handles it really well, especially considering that it’s the first time he’s actually seeing Seb turn into a nine-foot-tall wolf-person

……But then, when Pete gets Seb to shift back, Seb is kind of naked. Kind of very naked. And they don’t have enough time to get him home before group, so they make do with whatever clothes Pete can find in his trunk while Seb curls up in the backseat so he can’t get arrested for indecent exposure while stone cold sober



9. 
If you pay attention, what Seb’s wearing on his arms can be a good way to guess how he’s probably doing, emotionally. See, Seb’s arms are kind of a mess:

His tattoos looked fine: on his right, the black outline of a rosary; on his left, the family’s heraldic wolf with its thyrsus staff. His scars, however, were another story. Most were thin and uniform, horizontal and so pale that they almost disappeared against his skin. Just below the wolf was a small circle, left behind by an ex-boyfriend’s lit cigarette. But each arm also had one vertical scar, longer and angrier than the rest. Gnarled like the bark of their Grandfather’s favorite ironwood tree, they cut over the smaller marks and bubbled underneath his ink in a bloodless, silvery shade of pink. Five years after giving them to himself, Seb couldn’t look at them without his insides going cold.

He’d really like to get to the point where he feels more or less secure enough to just wear short sleeves without letting other people’s reactions get to him too much…… but that’s probably a long way off for Seb, not least because he hasn’t actually been working on it that hard so much as wishing for it.

As it stands, Seb has a few usual standbys — long sleeves regardless of the weather; arm warmers (i.e., the long finger-less gloves with different kinds of rivets and lacing or other decor, all of which he got when he was a teenager and having a mall goth Hot Topic phase); different combinations of cuffs and bracelets (many of which are also left over from his Hot Topic phase); and, “nothing, but this should not be seen as a sign of him doing well, just yet”

Arm warmers are usually Seb’s default during the spring, summer, and early autumn, because they can draw attention but they’re also less of a pain than wearing long sleeves during a Baltimore summer. This makes them the hardest one to really get an accurate read on, because he wears them for so many different moods, but they all average out to, “He’s probably not doing great, but then, he’s almost never doing great; he’s about as okay as he ever manages”

Long sleeves tend to mean that Seb is feeling vulnerable and not-that-great, because they might attract attention sure, but it’s usually not as much as he gets while being nearly thirty and wearing his teenage Hot Topic mall goth arm warmers

Unfortunately for Seb, some of the people who love him still associate long sleeves with, “Sebastian is trying to hide something,” especially when he wears them in the middle of summer — which is how we get moments like Max catching his little brother by the wrist and anxiously tugging Seb’s sleeves back to check his arms

Which is just…… Max doesn’t mean for that to be hurtful or anything, but he’s worried about his brother (and not without reason, either) and he’s scared and he really doesn’t get that doing things like this isn’t helpful for myriad reasons, and in his experience, Seb most often wears long sleeves in summer when he’s been hurting himself and/or getting high

Bracelets and the like usually means that consciously, Seb isn’t sure if he wants to talk about something or not, but he probably does want to talk about it and will do so, if someone nudges him or gives him some indication that they’re willing to listen (because he kinda needs to be nudged and invited and otherwise reminded that he’s allowed and encouraged to talk about what he’s feeling with people, it doesn’t make him a burden)

And, at present, unless Seb is at home (either alone or with Pete, Margot, and/or Todd), short sleeves with bare forearms usually mean that Seb is really not in a good state of mind, because he’s probably feeling too tired or sick or hopeless to put on his arm warmers or care how people might react to his scars

10. Once someone gets saved as a favorite in Seb’s phone, they will almost definitely get a special ringtone. About the only exception to this is his sister-in-law, Linda, and that’s mostly because Seb is still scared of her, despite having known her since he was ~16, and thus, he doesn’t know her very well, and he feels like all his ideas just come down to, “I’m scared of you and that feels really mean.” But some of the other ringtones he’s given people are:

Pete: Natasha Richardson’s version of “Mein Herr” from Cabaret (because it’s Pete’s favorite version of his favorite song from his favorite musical)

Margot: “The World’s Greatest Criminal Mind” from The Great Mouse Detective

Todd: “Friday, I’m In Love” by The Cure (because one of the first things Seb and Todd bonded over was The Cure)

Nick: Judy Garland’s Carnegie Hall performance of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”

Marceline, his Mom: Bernadette Peters’ version of “Everything’s Coming Up Roses”

Max: “I Don’t Want To Know” by Fleetwood Mac

Unbeknownst to Seb, his ringtone in Max’s phone is Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams,” which is another of the Stevie Nicks-penned numbers on their Rumours album, and yes, Max and Seb are aware that she wrote the songs about her romantic relationship with Lindsey Buckingham

But both of them suck at actually associating their songs of choice with romance at all, because they first and foremost associate Fleetwood Mac with Marceline

Adelaide: “Be Prepared” from The Lion King (he originally gave her, “This Corrosion” by The Sisters of Mercy, but Addie took exception to that)

Ambrose: “Magic Dance” by David Bowie, from Labyrinth — specifically, the, “you remind me of the babe!” “what babe?” “the babe with the power!” part, because Seb is a dweeb and has happy memories associating his middle brother with Labyrinth

He’s also a dweeb who still calls his middle brother, “Ambrosius,” which he started doing when they were kids and he was having a hardcore Labyrinth Thing

But Ambrose just calls him, “Sir Didymus” back, so it kinda balances out

Abe, his Dad: “The Flying Purple People Eater” (it’s probably better not to ask why this is one of their father-son things, because neither of them can explain it in any kind of succinct fashion that makes sense to anyone but them)

Abe also has a custom ringtone for Seb. He literally only learned how to get custom ringtones (read: asked Adelaide to please do it for him) so he could set Seb’s ringtone as, “Carry On, Wayward Son”

Seb is aware of this, but he really doesn’t know how he feels about it

Fr. Teddy: “Anthem” by Leonard Cohen

Stephen: currently has Aqua’s “Barbie Girl,” because he’s mentioned that it’s one of his favorite songs before, but after their eventual relationship upgrade, Seb’s going to change it to Whitney Houston’s, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me,” which is higher up Stephen’s favorite song list and Seb feels like it’s more fitting for a boyfriend

……except that Pete knows the passcode into Seb’s phone and will amuse himself by periodically changing Stephen’s ringtone to The Divynyls’ “I Touch Myself” or George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex,” then moving Seb’s phone and pretending his is dead or charging so Seb has to ask Stephen to call it

This won’t always work out exactly how Pete wants, but he still tried, okay

Bonus fact (brought to you entirely by his headcanon casting and the, “I thought it was funny, so sue me” foundation): He doesn’t like sand. Or the beach. Especially not the beach. Like, sand is gross and it gets everywhere, and who the Hell decided to make, “sex on the beach” a romantic trope and what the fuck was wrong with them because it is actually terrible, there is sand in places where there ought not be sand, what is wrong with people — but the beach is even worse than the sand.


Seriously, when he and Julian were dating each other for the first time, they very nearly didn’t make it past the hurdle of, “Julian loves the beach and wants to drag Seb to the beach (and make Seb pretty please pay for it because his parents are “old as BALLS” money rich white people and Julian’s are middle-class white people from Minnesota), and ugh why do you want to stay home for spring break, who cares if Pete is in a play, he’ll forgive you for not going to opening night, I wanna go to the beach and you’re just trying to get out of going to the beach because you’re being difficult, you’re being obstinate, and you’re being difficult, and if we go to Pete’s play and don’t leave ‘til after his opening night, can we please please pleeeeease go to the beach”

Except that, rather than dealing with the fact that Julian was pushing him around (despite also being the one more open to compromise, for once), Seb just went, “No, my only objection is that I irrationally dislike the beach”


His aversion to going to the beach has only gotten worse since then, and only partially because he and Julian went to the beach for that spring break and Julian went, “Please, please, can we, please, please, please” about sex on the beach until Seb agreed to try it.

(They did not succeed in this effort, because Julian was confronted with the reality of having sex on the beach and went, “This is significantly less romantic and fun than I’ve been led to believe. ……Take me back to the hotel, I have sand in places where I don’t want for there to be sand :(” — but they still tried)


The other big part has to do with how much of a mess Seb’s arms are, and how many scars he has elsewhere, and how he wouldn’t even mind the fact that he burns super-easily (which he used to mind quite a bit), but he doesn’t want to deal with the questions that he can attract based on his scars, or with the way that people are super-unsubtle about trying not to look at his scars but still looking at them and giving him sad, pitying looks, or with wearing long sleeves and/or “leftover from when he had a Hot Topic mall goth phase” arm warmers at the beach and attracting attention because he’s doing that



—and in closing, this meme was hard because I felt torn between, “oh yeah, I have a lot of things to say about the little shit who started this whole series,” “oh, but do I talk about him too much already,” “oh, but what parts have I shared enough that I don’t need to anymore,” “oh, but which ones do I need to share for context,” “oh, but how much linking to things I’ve shared before can I get away with and not look conceited,” and the impulse to just go, “okay, you guys, look, I know he’s a mess, but he’s MY mess”

He’s kind of a disaster but he’s trying his best, okay

*: And here is the conversation in question, as evidence of how totally not subtle Stephen was being:

“Nothing, [Todd] didn’t… His and Pete’s friendship is founded on hating the same things and picking on each other.” Seb shook his head. “Pete doesn’t know what he’s talking about, though, okay?” he said. “I wasn’t with Todd last night. Or anybody. Except my dogs. I only had a, ‘baking ’til I felt tired, then spacing out to Catching All-Stars reruns until I finally nodded off’-style long night.”

“I know how that goes. Where it’s like…” Stephen smirked, and snickered. “Like, you’re trying to knock yourself out…” He failed to stifle a chuckle. “I mean, like…” He snorted, and ducked his head as he giggled. “Like, the kind of night when you need intellectual Novocaine instead of lullabies?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Seb laughed into his hand. “Being with somebody probably would’ve been better for me. Or worked sooner. I lost track of how long it took to get to sleep.”

“Yeah, well, if you wanted to have somebody, then I bet I could…” He was definitely leaning in, now. He bit his lip, glancing around like he felt guilty about something. “If you wanted, I could get you in bed by, I don’t know, eleven-thirty? Or like, whenever you want?”

“What, is that, like… an invitation?”

A glimmer sparked up behind Stephen’s eyes. His smile twinkled. Seb was the one leaning in, now, and Stephen’s mouth was right there, and—

“Well, I guess I’m inviting myself to get my own goddamn beverage, since you two are busy flirting.” Pete glowered and, elbowing between them, he said, “Stephen, you’re adorable, but if you’re gonna distract my Princess, then can you please just kiss him already.”

So, yeah. Like…… yes, Stephen botched the delivery because he isn’t that great at actually telling jokes, but he’s not being subtle about flirting with Seb right now and it’s completely fair for Pete to be exasperated as fuck with his Princess when Seb tries to go, “I bet Stephen’s just being nice, because he’s a nice person, not like he’s actually interested in me”


[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #134

“i got detention ‘cuz i made a face; nobody believed me that it’s stuck that way.”

If you were to die today would your life be complete?  No. How good is Coca-Cola?  It's my second-favorite soda. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
  My niece Aubree <3 Do you have a bad temper? 
 No. Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?
  One acquaintance, one old friend off the top of my head. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you?  Mom when I passed out. If you were in the hospital, do you think any of your exes would come see you?  Girt probably would, and he's the only one I wouldn't have a problem with visiting. If you were kicked out of your house, would the last person you texted take you in?  I'm sure they would, but it's more realistic I'd live with my dad. If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?  Skydive. What fictional place would you most like to go to?  Yo can I go to Azeroth. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?  UHHHHHH.  I'm honestly not quite sure.  But Mark is like super high on the list, if not #1.  I'm not well-informed on a lot of people's accomplishments lajsfdaowe. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way?  Hmmmm.  Good question. What is one thing you really want but can’t afford?  Lmao dude I want so many expensive things atm. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?  I almost snorted reading this question because like do you honestly expect something impressive of me.  I... guess I understand Sony Vegas well? What are some of the turning points in your life?  Uhhhh meeting my ex, the divorce, discovering my passion for photography, the breakup, re-uniting with Dad, r e c o v e r y. What’s your cure for hiccups?  NOTHING.  NOTHING WORKS. Don’t you think it’d be cool to see a colossal squid?  FUCKING NOPE THEY ARE SPAWNS OF THE NIGHTMARE REALM. What kind of steak do you prefer?  When I ate meat, I liked medium well. Has anyone ever cheated on their significant other with you?  Yes, allow me to (not) tell you about my stupid 12-year-old self. Are you fascinated by outer space?  *cue the Mark "Space is Cool" mix* Do you answer your phone when it’s a number you don’t recognize? Never. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first?  Put the soap on. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance?  The night of the breakup.  I had left the house to walk to Jason's, and Mom got in the car and kept driving in front of me to stop me (I was too practically catatonic to run).  Eventually gave up, she drove me home, and when she opened the door, it was my goal to run to the kitchen and slit my throat, but the moment I made the action to run, she pretty much tackled me and I sobbed my lungs out for like 30 minutes.  Fuck that entire night. Who were your last 3 Facebook messages from and what do they say?  "lol but hey thats the world we live in lol well goodnight honey and i hope to speak to u again" from Leslie, "How quaint O:" from Girt, "Its okay :)" from Amanda. Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? What does the comment say?  Sara saying "YEP" when I shared a picture of straight people dating versus lesbians and it was spot-on. Which do you use the most, smiley faces, kisses or hearts?  Faces, probs. Do you like sweet or salty popcorn? Ohhhh both.  But I've gotta side with salty. Have you ever had to put your hand over someone’s mouth to keep them quiet?  Once. Have you ever fed a wild animal?  Yes. The last time you packed, where were you going?  Sara's. Do you believe in astrology?  Definitely not. Do you have an accent?  Not really, but you can pick up a southern tone with some words.  Example, my "your" sounds more like "yer," usually. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?  No. Do you sing in the shower?  I have been a tad bit lately...  I used to never. Are you satisfied with your current camera? My phone camera is SHIT, and I need a new actual camera.  55-200mm lens is broken, the other one's automatic focus setting is and I'm not great at manual focus. Have you ever been in a choir?  In Catholic church, yes. Does it bother you to have dirt on the bottom of your bare feet?  Y E S Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt?  I literally have the flattest ass of any female you'll ever meet. Do you often skip breakfast? Pretty much daily now, yeah.  I'm fasting and don't eat until 11, so breakfast's passed. Last person who drove you somewhere (besides your parents)? Nicole. Who last grabbed your behind?  I'm sure it was Chelsea being her crazy self. Do you eat raw cookie dough?  Yeah dukes up salmonella. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?  No. Would you survive in prison?  No.  I would find one way or another to kill myself. Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?  Rarely, no, no.  I drink usually in celebratory settings to loosen up some and sometimes just because I like the flavor of weak, fruity alcohol.  Smoking's gross, drugs are ew. What was the first cigarette you ever smoked?  Never smoked. Are you scared about the end of the world?  If I'mma be in it, hell yeah.  But it's not something I actively worry about because I don't think it'll happen in my lifetime. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions?  Landmarks.  I don't know street names for shit. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books?  Yes. Where is one place that you’d never be caught dead in?  Never be caught dead in, ever... uhhhh... nothing's coming to mind right now.  Oh wait.  Probably a strip club. Apple Jacks: yay or nay?  YAY. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie?  Yeah, but I don't remember which one. ;-;  It's that one where the girl says her name is Mary Jane and Shaggy goes, "That's, like, my favorite name."  Totally went over my head as a kid lmao. Have you ever met a guy for coffee?  No, I hate coffee anyway. Who is your pet most attached to in your family?  Teddy's most attached to me, I'm the only one who has any physical contact with Venus and she trusts me, Bentley is bonded with Mom, and Mitsu is still apprehensive of anyone. Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?  The whole world and more. What do you normally do when you’ve had a really bad day?  Cry, have a shit attitude occasionally, a nap is common, talk to Sara, binge my favorite Markiplier videos. When is the next time you will wear a dress?  Hm.  Maybe this summer if I'm confident enough in my body by then lmao. On the main page on YouTube, what’re the three recommended videos? 8-BitGaming beating SCP: Containment Breach, a DanAndPhilGAMES video of Golf With Friends, and then an 8-BitRyan vid of the full release of Raft. Do you know anyone from Canada? Yeah, my former roommate's ex. Are thongs sexy? Yeah, but oml I know I couldn't wear one. Did you grow up in a healthy environment? I wouldn't say "healthy," no.  My dad was an alcoholic at the time, parents always fought, and our neighborhood was dangerous. Heavy rain or heatwave? Heavy rain, easily.  Fuck the heat. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do?  I hate these damn questions, but I'd rather die.  My father deserves the longest and happiest life possible without the betrayal of his daughter. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you?  Yeah.  It's a lose-lose situation for me; if I didn't, I'd still die if the world's gonna end. Who knows your most darkest memory or secret?  Jason and Mom should know, and whoever read those specific surveys. Who was the last person you almost went out with?  Meh.  Juan.  We talked and hung out once in... late 2016 I think and I was pretty confused as to how I felt about him.  Meanwhile, he hasn't kept it a secret in the least he's liked me since freshman year.  He's always treated me like a gentleman should, but I know the dark and disgusting parts of him.  Glad I decided against it. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, or The Beatles?  Stones. What does your grandma call you?  Just my name. And what do you call your grandmother?  Grammy. Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub?  Pool. Do you think ‘everything bagels’ are disgusting?  No, but I have to be in the mood for one. Do you find serial killers fascinating?  I wouldn't call them as a whole fascinating, but what has to be going on in their brains to create such grotesque desires and creativities. Do you have high blood pressure?  No. Have you ever pumped gas?  No.  I'm 22 btw lmao. Have your parents ever caught you drinking?  I mean Mom's seen me with a drink when she didn't know I'd gotten one, but I wouldn't call it "caught" since I'm allowed to and I made no effort to make it secretive. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing.  Writing makes my carpal tunnel act up quickly, and besides, typing's way faster. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life. If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now?  Panicking and telling Mom when I overdosed.  I took way more than what I should've taken of a cold medicine I can't even look at now, but I don't think it would've killed me based on how I felt, but then again, the fluids or whatever I got to purge it could've saved me; however, I feel like I would've killed myself through another method if I didn't tell her.  It all led to the psychiatric care I needed. Have you ever taken a course on CPR?  No, but I should. Do you wear a watch? No, I don't even own one. When are you at your most energetic? A little after waking up.  Just gotta get over the initial drowsiness. Do you like playing cards? If so, what's your favorite game?  I don't really enjoy card games.  I liked Magic: The Gathering tho when I was with Jason, but I wasn't that good at it considering it's got like a billion rules.  I'd still play with someone who knew how to, though.  I loooove the PS3 version that was made for it, it was much easier and I found it relaxing.  And I adore the artwork like jfc. What are your parents’ natural hair colors? What is yours?  Extremely dark brown, black, dirty blonde but turned to brown. How do you react to random strangers suddenly trying to make conversation with you?  I get nervous. Do you like Slim Jims?  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS MAMA. Have you ever been in a castle? The Disney World castle, if that counts? Would you rather write a mystery or love story? A love story. Are you afraid of getting shots?  No.  I don't like them, but. What do you currently hear?  "Pour Some Sugar On Me" cover by Ninja Sex Party. What’s one text that you saved?  Two texts from Sara that I love way too much. Have you ever cut your own hair?  No. What’s your favorite color combination? Probably orange and black bc Halloween. Did you share a locker at school? No. Have you ever sang karaoke?  No. How old were you when you went on your first date?  Huh, I dunno.  Just the guy and myself?  Probably dinner with Jason at 16? Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yeah. Would you rather have strep throat or an ear infection?  Holy fuck, after my last ear infection?  Strep. Where was your first job?  GameStop. Have you ever been to a night club? No. Do all good things really come to an end?  No, not all. How many people do you trust with your life?  Three. Are you too kind for your own good?  Don't think so. Have you ever held a baby? Yeah. What's your favorite '90s TV show?  The Nanny. What are you favorite book series? Warriors. Favorite superheroes?  I know he's technically an anti-hero, but does Deadpool still count?  If not, uh.  Batman I guess. Would people consider you more immature or mature? Mature, probably. Would you say most of your friends are older or younger than you?  Younger. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? She knows I was insecure as fuck in the beginning.  Now, nope. Who was your best friend in the fifth grade?  Ummm I think Quiata? Do your parents still help you financially?  I don't have a job.  So. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Don't think so. Do you have a preferred brand of bottled water?  Essentia.  Thanks for not having it, NC. Are you more prone to overthinking things, or being too impulsive?  Hunny I overthink if I have to pee or not if it's not a massive need. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? Eh, maybe just a seven thanks to the pill. Have you ever thrown up from cramps?  No. List three people you had a hard time forgiving.  JASON, Dad, Mom multiple times. Who was your first celebrity crush?  Jesse McCartney. If applicable, what form of birth control do you use?  The pill.  But it's for cramps. Are you happy with your gender?  Yeah. What gender do you identify as?  Female. What gender were you born as? Female. Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication?  No. Have you ever used a tampon?  Yeah. How old were you when your parents talked to you about puberty?  I don't think it's something we ever properly "talked" about, but rather indirectly when Mom taught me how to shave and told me when to start wearing a bra. How many people have you known who were suicidal?  Sadly, I think MOST people I know/most friends. What's your favorite pain reliever? Advil. Who has the cutest baby/babies you know? My nephew is literally the cutest child I have EVER seen. Do you have a lot of people blocked on Facebook? Actually yes, but most because Mom instructed me to block them when I was younger.  A few are of my own volition. What color is your razor/shaver?  Orange and white. What's your boyfriend/girlfriend's sisters name? She doesn't have any sisters. Do you like the sound of violins?  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Would you be interested in going on a blind date?  Even if I was single, no. If you formed an unhealthy habit, would it be smoking or drinking? Oh boy, idk.  I think an alcohol addiction is more dangerous, but smoking has disgusting consequences. Have you ever bought a video game expansion pack? No. Do you wish YouTube had been around when you were a kid?  Nah.  I wouldn't want the risk of an earlier technology addiction. Do you remember preschool?  Yes. What color(s) was your backpack in high school?  Browns and black.  It was a Ouija board design. What health conditions do you have?  Physically, baaad dry scalp, dry af skin in general, inactive MRSA.  I've been over my mental ones enough. Have you ever collected seashells at the beach?  Yeah. Did you ever take dance lessons?  Yeah, for many years. If you took dance lessons, what was your favorite style of dance?  Modern. Have you ever worn a tutu? No. What was your favorite vacation that you went on as a child?  Disney World. Have you ever had braces?  Yeah. What is your favorite photo editing site? (or what do you use?) I don't use editing sites.  I use Photoshop, Lightroom, or PhotoScape. How many times did you take your driver's test?  I haven't yet.