#these lil guys are just the first little sample pieces I cut out by hand

[the-ratt-king]

My printer is working finally so now I have a lil sticker (almost full) Wavewave family to watch over me as I draw 🥹

[cyclesprefectpress]

[image description: a proof of a font of handset type for letterpress printing, displaying every letter, symbol, and special character in the font. it's called "Sixteenth Century Roman," 24 pt., and is a rough-edged serif font with a deliberately worn look. end description.]

hello hello i am return from a deep dive into several reference materials that assumed a little bit more knowledge about how Medieval Latin works than i actually have, but, it was all exTREMEly inch resting to me. i am absolutely not a historian but here we are, a speedrun of my pinballing around trying to ensure that I know what the fuck im storing in my type corridor:

so 16th Cent. Roman, i already knew, was a font Paul Duensing designed based on this incomplete set of old Italian punches he acquired (punches, the first step of old school typecasting, where you carve the relief letter shape into the end of a stick of steel, and you uuuh punch that into the copper matrix, which is then the negative mould-shape you use to cast multiple copies of the lead sorts with hot metal; surviving punches are precious artifacts not the least because they are. they’re hand-carved!! often by the type designer themselves. historical and also wildly cool craftsmanship). these punches were all beat up and probably water damaged, fucky and rough-edged, so he re-did and filled in the gaps in the alphabet with similarly styled letters of his own. very cool. an extremely nerdy lil passion project of a typecaster in the 1960s, very typical of type people. we all find a Thing to obsess over, and sometimes it's reviving an incomplete set of punches from the 1500s that you found in, idk, it's usually a bucket in somebody's basement.

anyway it's got a bunch of ligatures and the long s, sure sure sure, but WHAT are all these gibberish characters with tildas and lines thru the stems of ps and qs and such—

Duensing's full font is in Mac McGrew's specimen book, great, i have that, except McGrew's book has complete proofs and a little bit of history for each font but doesn't always cover what each symbol in a unique alphabet is for, and i knew just enough about Latin to guess that they were abbreviations but not what each of them stood for. a little bit of searching got me this far, which is to say, "Abbreviation in Medieval Latin Paleography," a translation of an Italian essay on the subject from 1929. It is prefaced by the translators with gems like: "Take a foreign language, write it in an unfamiliar script, abbreviating every third word, and you have the compound puzzle that is the medieval Latin manuscript." Scribes writing in medieval Latin just tossed out letters they didn't care to deal with, constantly, and had stand-in special characters and abbreviations for syllables/words/particles and there were intuitive rules but way too many variations in time and place and person to make a reasonably-sized, static lexicon. amazing. hope all u paleographers are having fun over there.

the essay has a great big glossary of truncations and abbreviations and so on which clearly cover most of the figures in Duensing's font:

[image description: screenshots of the essay, with various symbols and the Latin syllables they abbreviated. an m with a bar over it, ex., stood in for men or mun. end description.]

ok! BUT this q with a little swoop off the end kept bugging me!! for all these dead-use symbols this essay is using handwritten samples, obviously, and there's clearly variation in execution and also typographers take liberties, and i just thought, sure my piece of type looks a lot like the quod here but it does link the staff to the swoop where the handwritten sample doesn't, and it could just as well be a fanciful ligature for qn which apparently can stand in for quando, and i have no idea which is a more common-use syllable likely to be cast in the font if you're only going to pick your top 14, and i just like to be sure about things.

SO. i went to double-check with Johnson’s Typographia. Johnson made like a thousand pages of printing manuals set in tiny tiny type in the 1820s which are rad as hell and tell you all sorts of things about how to run a shop and build your own press and cast type and going rates for work and employment and also, the alphabets/type case layout for whatever language or symbol set you might have to set type in, when handsetting type was mostly the only way to get stuff printed—English, Arabic, Chinese, Hebrew, musical notation, astronomical signs, aaaand it’s got a section for "Marks & characters used in the Domesday Book & other ancient records.”

[image description: a photo of a page of the manual, with similar but not always identical symbols for abbreviated use. many of these abbreviations are described as "a Domesday contraction." end description.]

and WHAT is a Domesday contraction, WELL, it's a contraction specifically from/prevalent in the Domesday book, a deeply boring and historically important tome about property distribution in England. It’s literally a survey. who owned what, in 1086. presumably mind-numbing. enormous, handwritten in Medieval Latin, EXTREMELY cool, go look at some images of it at least, very important to historians, economists, linguists, and a complete pain in the ass to set in type when that technology became available, having to cast any significant proportion of these variant characters in an alphabet. Johnson says, (in 1824) “It is an improvement of latter years only*, to have type cast to resemble the abbreviations used in the more ancient manuscripts; they being formerly rudely imitated, either from a common fount, or else were cut in wood for the purposes of any particular work.” wow that sucks. but in 1773 the government really wanted to be able to reproduce the Domesday Book in type, so a couple people tried to cut a set of punches for Domesday abbreviations and Joseph Jackson got it done and it only took 10 years to print an edited version of the manuscript. and then apparently all the type was destroyed in a fire in 1808. WOW that sucks.

but the point is, Johnson has a great big glossary of characters as they were translated into type in the making of the printed Domesday Book, and the Domesday punches were used or refrenced in the printing of other medieval latin works, which consequences a degree of standardization in the abbreviations used in those versions of the text that handwritten manuscripts never had or needed.

notably the Domesday quod looks even more different from my piece of type here which was pretty annoying, so what are the chances this thing is a quando, and anyway that's when my sister texted me back with better computer skills and a different search engine and found me a perfect match on the first try. it’s a quod. this National Diet Library digital exhibition has several different sample fonts, both black letter and roman, with quite consistent letter forms, if not choices about which abbreviations to bother casting.

*I don’t……exactly know what he means by this, since Gutenberg and contemporaries absolutely did cast many Medieval Latin abbreviations for their fonts nearly 400 years before this. His dismissal of “from a common fount” might be fair, since i think what he means by it is that you’d have a generic set of abbreviation characters which you would have to use in conjunction with whatever font was the main body of your text, and it’s messy to mix things that weren’t designed specifically to match. he may just mean that it’s new for his contemporary foundries to be casting all these expanded alphabets of abbreviations; Gutenberg didn’t have foundries to buy from and made his own type. he could include as many characters as he had the patience for. maybe Johnson is just a guy from the 1800s that didn’t have the internet and i shouldn’t jump down his throat for not knowing something. idk!! i have homework.

anyway that was my Friday!! feel free to correct me and/or suggest further reading if early typecasting is your Thing or. again. you just have better googling than me.

[wienerbarnes]

Left for Dead (1/2)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (Cheek to Cheek)

Word Count: 1,803

Warnings: mentions to bombs and mission stuff, mentions to past torture

A/N: a lil two parter! I'm def a shorter writer so I split up reader’s first mission as opposed to posting like a 5k one shot (unless y'all dig that better for the future???) I’m gonna queue the second part to post on Friday idk what time but otherwise we all know id forget... so. enjoy!

MAIN MASTERLIST | CHEEK TO CHEEK MASTERLIST

It was finally time for your first mission. The night before, F.R.I.D.A.Y. prompted you with the fact that there would be a briefing this morning at 8 A.M. You’d figured the superheroes weren’t the type to sleep in.

As much as you’d been enjoying the return of your clothes, you figured it’d be safest to keep the black-on-black outfit for these briefings and anything else you’d be involved in. Attention is not necessarily something you’d want to draw on yourself right now.

You finally find the room you’re supposed to be in and find about eighty other agents. A wave of anxiety rushes through you and you feel your stomach churn. You want to look around and find someone you recognize but Sam is the only one you see; you don’t know anybody. You’re scared to talk to new people, to have small talk, you’re scared of what they’ll say to you, if they’ll remember your face from the news.

You see near the front a blonde head of hair - Sharon. You haven’t spoken to her, but she’d be the safest bet, except there’s no empty seat on either side of her. She’s conversing with a woman with ginger hair to her left and a large body with short brown hair occupies the seat to her right - Bucky!

You notice there’s an empty seat next to him and quickly make your way over before your luck diminishes and someone takes it.

Bucky registers somebody take a seat next to him, which surprises him because most of the agents are still a little scared of him after spending seven weeks training with him. He certainly doesn’t treat them like shit, but he doesn’t baby them, either. He almost doesn’t notice it’s you when he glances up; he forgot you’ve changed your look a bit.

The tattoo on your next is covered with makeup, the angry face too much of an identifying feature. He knows you hate it and were planning on getting it covered anyway. You’ve removed all of your piercings and all of the tiny holes remain empty along your ears. You’ve managed to keep the tiny stud in your nose, though. Your hair is a jet black color now and it shines in the light. How has your hair survived that many dye jobs? Stupid rules for this job; no brightly colored hair or large body modifications, excluding tattoos. Draws too much attention.

He can sense your anxiety next to him; your heart is beating a mile a minute and you’re super tense. He wants to say something, do something to make you feel a bit better, put you at ease, but he can’t think of anything before Sam calls the attention of the room.

“Morning, everyone. NCIS has requested our help with finding a bomb on a Navy ship and figuring out the identity of the woman who told them about said bomb,”

Images flash up behind him projecting pictures of said woman, looking scared with a bloodied bandage on her forehead. She has a fluffy pixie-cut style dark hair and pale skin, or perhaps her skin is pale in comparison to the caked blood matted on her head. Her eyes are a bright green with minimal wrinkles adorning the outer corners. She couldn’t be older than thirty-five.

“A citizen driving by saw her wandering about the street next to a forest and when he approached her she claimed she was buried alive and couldn’t provide any information about herself; not her name, age, where she came from, or who buried her. All she kept repeating was something about a bomb on a Navy ship that was going to kill a lot of people.” Sam continues.

“I’ll be sending some of you out to Rock Creek Park to scope out the scene and some of you to Georgetown University Hospital to talk to Jane Doe. You’re dismissed but await further instruction and be prepared to ship out.” Sam finishes and everyone begins to stand, engaging in small conversations as they exit the room.

You begin to stand and follow suit but a metal hand reaches out in front of you to encourage you to take your seat once more. You throw a confused look over at Bucky, but he’s not looking at you. You glance over to Sharon, who’s staring down at her phone, and to Sam who is flicking through the file in his hands. The four of you, you notice, are the only ones still in their seats, and you quickly make the connection that you’re supposed to wait until the rest of the agents leave after a briefing.

Maybe they’re gonna haze you, newbie. You roll your eyes at that little voice as the door shut and hear it lock audibly.

The three of them glance up and stare at you expectantly. You glance between all three of them before you give up on figuring out what exactly they’re waiting for.

“Are you guys gonna haze me?”

Sharon smirks and Bucky full on chuckles at your question as Sam clarifies, “Do you see anything?”

“Oh! Oh, right, right. Uhm… It kind of doesn't work like - um, I’ll try. I’ll try and concentrate.” You excuse, and close your eyes to force yourself into that mindset.

Most of your visions happen unexpectedly and randomly, otherwise you need to put yourself in a kind of entranced state of concentration in order to, essentially, force a vision. Forcing it is usually what causes you to get the most emotional and frazzled, but nothing you can’t handle.

You feel your face heat up at the shyness your abilities are presenting right now; “Um, can we turn the lights off?” You ask quietly.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” Sam speaks up.

The lights dim and you try to slow your breathing.

She’s covered in leaves and wet from humidity, the stickiness feeling unbearable on her skin. Her skin? Whose skin is that?

“It-It’s a shallow grave, and - and there’s leaves, um -” All you see and feel is pure confusion. You don’t know anything. “Why is it so shallow? They bury people six feet because - because that’s the depth where animals can’t smell dead, rotting flesh - except - except polar bears because they -” Your rambling is cut short at the sound of Bucky’s soft voice and his warm hand engulfing your shaking, clammy one.

“Sweetheart, try and focus on the Navy ship she was talking about, the bomb on the Navy ship.” He tries to get you back on track.

“Right, right, sorry,” You take a deep, shaky breath in and let out with force to calm yourself a bit.

It’s all quick white flashes, so fast and so bright that can’t see the images in between. All you get are feelings of fear and guilt -

“Do you know if she set the bomb?” A deep voice interrupts.

“Sam,” A feminine one scolds.

“What? There’s only one person that seems to know about this bomb and we’re not going to consider her a suspect?”

“She doesn’t even know who she is,”

“But -”

“She didn’t set the bomb!” You exclaim, everything becoming incredibly overwhelming all at once.

“How do you know?” Bucky asks, his calm demeanor influencing your own as you rub your face to somewhat pull yourself together.

“I - I - I just do! I don’t know! I - I keep seeing bomben hersteller, what - what is that?” You ask.

“That’s bomb fabricator in German.” Bucky translates.

“Okay, let’s stop for a second.” Sharon says, “This is a lot of new information, we should wait and see what evidence and samples come back from the crime scene and see what we can get out of her when the agents interview her at the hospital, maybe her condition’s changed and she remembers something, yeah?” You quickly realize that Sharon is the piece of mind between the dynamic of her and Sam while he strategizes the plans. They work extremely well together.

“Okay, okay. Agent, you did very well. Good job.” Sam praises before leaving to exit the conference room, you assume to go give the agents their orders. Sharon sends you a sweet smile before following Sam out.

You look back at Bucky and he’s already looking at you, smile on his face. “You did really good.” He tells you.

“Thanks.” You respond, feeling a lot calmer.

The two of you are sitting awfully close to each other, you notice, bodies turned to face each other in the rolling chairs you sit in. Bucky’s leaning closer towards you than you are him, his forearm pushing on the armrest and you find yourself pulling your eyes away from his and they travel around his face.

Bucky has beautifully long eyelashes and tiny sunspots and freckles that decorate his skin; skin that’s had over a hundred years of wear. He’s kept his hair short but has been growing out his beard, not to an uncomfortable burly length, but enough to leave quite the dark shadow. His tongue pokes out to wet his lips and your eyes flash down there.

You don’t even remember the last time you kissed someone, let alone someone you actually wanted to kiss, not a kiss that was forced upon you. Is he actually about to fucking kiss me right now?

Panic quickly rises through your body and you clear your throat and look away, “Uh, now what?”

“Huh?”

“Well, I can’t go out on missions or anything, so do I, uh, just wait to be summoned, I guess?” Summoned? Why are you so awkward?

“Pretty much, yeah. I’ll, uh, be sticking around, too. Sometimes for ongoing missions I stick around in one of the spare rooms until the case is over.” He softly tells you, unmoving from how close he’s sitting next to you and voice still low and smooth, not looking away from you. Can he tell how nervous and awkwardly attracted to him you feel right now?

“What about Alpine?” You whisper back.

“What?” His eyes are the ones drifting down to your lips, now. Soft looking lips that look like they could kiss him silly and unconscious.

“Alpine?”

“Oh, uh, she stays with my, uh, my neighbor. This little old lady next door to me.” Great, now I’m thinking about my old lady neighbor. You’re biting that lip now and he thinks he might start drooling when you stand suddenly.

“I, uh, just remembered. I have to… clean! I have to clean up, so. I’ll see you.” You push out before finally exiting the room and making your way down the hallway.

You release a frustrated, “Fuck…” as the elevator doors close in front of you.

Meanwhile, Bucky lets out his own groan of frustration in the conference room, hands pushed against his eyes rubbing harshly, “Fuck…”

[thesinglesjukebox]

LIL NAS X - OLD TOWN ROAD

[6.73]

We're gonna bluuuurb til we can't no more...

Katie Gill: The problem with "Old Town Road" is that it's more interesting as a thinkpiece than an actual song. The song charting, then being excluded, from the Billboard Country Music charts opens so many questions that can't be answered in one sitting. Is this a further example of the well-documented racism in country music? Or is this just a freak accident hick-hop song that vaulted it's way out of the depths of subgenre hell? Is a twangy voice and references to horses enough to make a song "country"? Does the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus in a remix that dropped on Friday legitimize the song's credentials or just make them worse? Where was all this controversy when "Meant To Be," an honest-to-god pop song, was holding steady on the charts? There are so many questions and so many points of conversation that spring out from this song, that it's a pity "Old Town Road" itself is just okay. Everything about it screams "filler track for the SoundCloud page," from the length to the trap beats to the aggressively mediocre lyrics. The song didn't even chart on it's own merits: it charted because it's used in a TikTok meme! This is like if "We Are Number One" or "No Mercy" made their way to the top of the iTunes charts and people decided to have a conversation about the limits of genre based on those charting. I'm a little annoyed, because the conversation around "Old Town Road" is something that country music should be having... but just not around "Old Town Road." [5]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: There are essays upon essays to be written about "Old Town Road" as a prism for the racial divides that have served as undergirding for the modern American genre system since the 1930s division between "hillbilly" and "race" records. It's the perfect hunk of think-piece fodder: a simple core question -- is it country? -- that can spiral out to all corners of culture until the song itself is obscured. So let's focus on the song, instead. Because beyond all world-historical significance, "Old Town Road" fucking bangs. It's all in the bait and switch of that intro -- banjos and horns plunking away until Lil Nas X's triumphant "YEAAAH" (second this decade only to Fetty Wap) drops and the beat comes in. It's a joke until it's not -- maybe you came in from the Red Dead Redemption 2 video, or from a friend of yours talking about the hilarious country trap song, or from the artist's own Twitter, which is more Meech On Mars than Meek Mill, but no matter the source, you'll find that "Old Town Road" has its way of looping into your brain, all drawls and boasts and banjos. It's meme rap, but much like prior iterations of this joke ("Like a Farmer"), Lil Nas X fully and deeply commits -- he doesn't drop the pretense for a single line, keeping the track short enough to not outlive its welcome while still exploring its weird conceit to its fullest. Yet even in its jokey vibe there's some actual pathos -- no matter how put on, the lonesome cowboy sorrow of Lil Nas X's declaration that he'll "ride till [he] can't no more" feels genuine. "Old Town Road" is everything at once, the implosion of late teens culture into one undeniable moment. [10]

David Moore: So here's a true gem of a novelty song -- a phrase I use with both intention and respect; I grew up in a Dementoid household -- that could launch a thousand thinkpieces about hip-hop, country, class, the object and subject of jokes, whether to call something a joke at all, you name it. But what I keep returning to is the economy of it, its simplicity, how there is so much in so little, the way that someone on the outside can grok things inaccessible to the insiders, maybe by accident or by studious observation and a fresh perspective, the way music can be a multiverse, characters from one world complicating or clarifying or confusing the limits of another in a mutually provocative way. I'm not a backstory guy, which is to say I'm not a research guy, which is to say I'm either intuitive or lazy or both, so I don't have any clue where this came from, but I know magic when I hear it, I know what it sounds like when you discover, or simply stumble into by accident, the path beyond the bounds of territory you presumed exhausted, territory that can always get bigger, always invite whole new parties to the party. It's a real party party; you can get in. [10]

Katherine St Asaph: "Old Town Road" is the "Starships" of 2019: a song that objectively is not great, but will be called great for the understandable reason that liking or disliking it now unavoidably entails choosing the right or wrong side. This tends to lead to hand-waving freakoutery about critics not talking about the music, man, but once The Discourse is out in the world, it becomes a real and critical part of the song's existence; not talking about Billboard punting "Old Town Road" would be like talking about "Not Ready to Make Nice" as an workaday country song. The problem is not quite as simple as "the Billboard charts don't want black artists," an argument with historical precedent but now doomed to fail: clearly, people like Kane Brown and Darius Rucker and Mickey Guyton (who's left off lists like this, somehow) have hits. It's more about respectability politics. Traditionalists hate the idea of memes, social media, and perceived line-cutting, all of which means they'll hate a song born not of the Nashville and former-fraternity-bro scene, but via TikTok and stan Twitter. But what they really, really hate is rap and anything that sounds like a gateway to rap; like if they tolerate this Cardi B will be next. Country radio, for the past decade or two, has been pop radio with all the blatant rap signifiers removed; its songs aren't about cowboys or horses but suburban WASP life. Of course, double standards abound. Talking about lean is out; talking about bingeing beer is fine. "Bull riding and boobies" isn't OK because it's from a guy called Lil Nas X -- I honestly think people would whine less if this exact song was credited to "Montero Hill" -- but "I got a girl, her name's Sheila, she goes batshit on tequila" is OK because it's from a guy called Jake Owen, and "Look What God Gave Her" is OK because it hides its ogling of boobies behind plausibly deniable God talk. Fortunately "Old Town Road" is better than "Starships" -- the NIN sample is inspired, and the hook is evocative and sticky. (It fucks with authenticity politics, too -- Lil Nas X wrote his own song, but the big corporate country artists often don't.) Its main problem is that it's slight: a meme that doesn't overstay past the punchline, a song that never quite gets to song size. [5]

Thomas Inskeep: Sampling Nine Inch Nails' "34 Ghosts IV" to (help) create a western motif is hands-down brilliant, so huge thumbs-up for that. Lyrically, this is pretty empty, a bunch of western clichés strung together -- but then again, the same can be said of plenty of Big & Rich songs. Split the score down the middle, accordingly. [5]

Scott Mildenhall: But surely this is how country music should sound? Lil Nas X has performed alchemy in combining two generic styles into something inspiring, flipping the meaning of "pony and trap" on its head. The mechanical sound of trap is rusted into the mechanical sound of fixing a combine, or at least pretending that is something you might do, and such performance is fun for all the family. Well, unless you're an American farming family tired of stereotypes anyway. [7]

Stephen Eisermann: Non country (trap) beat with subtle country instrumentation? Sounds like much of country radio, only way better! [7]

Nortey Dowuona: A burning, humming bass girds under sticklike banjos as Lil Nas X rides into town to water his horse and head back out onto the open road. [5]

Alex Clifton: I spent the weekend re-enacting this scene from Easy A with this song, so it's safe to say I like it. I especially love the "horse"/"Porsche" line, which is unexpected and amazing. [7]

Alfred Soto: The usual genre conversations threaten to smother analysis. If Lil Nas X can use trap drums, then why can't Sam Hunt use loops? Silly. (Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes: "The Constitution is what the judges say it is"). The Kanye allusion ("Y'all can't tell me nuthin'") works extra-diagetically. An assemblage of modest, discrete charms held together by a solid performance at its center -- nothing more. I await the Future-Frank Liddell collab. [5]

Edward Okulicz: It's affectionate and actually quite deferential in its treatment of its parent genres. Crossovers like this have been hinted at, and gestured towards in the other direction quite a bit of late (country artists affecting hip-hop, less so the latter), and the two genres have more in common than the caricatures of the sorts of people who are supposed to listen to them do. Of course, I mean those genres as they exist today, and not in the warped imaginations of purists. You can see why kids have latched on, and it's easy to snarl at Big Chart for sticking their oar in. The kids are right; artists control the means of production and radio and chart compilers can accept that they aren't the tastemakers, and attempts to force their tastes down other people's throats will lead to a backlash. This is not a brilliant song but it's a picture of one of many potential musical futures and, at two minutes, the perfect length too. The right response is to smile, and "Old Town Road" makes it easy to smile -- it's an earworm. Sure, it doesn't give me the same immediate feeling of fuck!!! this is the best that I got when I first heard that version of Bubba Sparxxx's "Comin' Round" but country music survived "Honey, I'm Good" and it will survive this. It might well thrive. [6]

Joshua Copperman: I recently found out that I have a moderate Vitamin D deficiency, but looking up the song everyone was talking about and hearing this basically confirmed that I should go outside more often. There are definitely things to talk about: it's the logical conclusion to "I listen to everything except country and rap" jokes when the inverse has taken over the Hot 100, and it's a song that's set to hit number one because everyone is incredulous that it exists at all -- with a Billy Ray Cyrus remix to boot. The conversations about what makes a song "country" are all fascinating, but it's hard to fully enjoy pieces about something that, as an actual song, is so fundamentally empty. The Nine Inch Nails sample is interesting, but like everything else, more intriguing in theory than execution. This will wind up on every site's "best of 2019" lists, and then in ten years people will snark on how a song with "My life is a movie/Bullridin' and boobies" was so critically acclaimed. As a meme/discourse lightning rod, it's an [8], as a how-to guide for late-2010s fame, it's a [10], but there's little appeal in a vacuum. Adding a bonus point, because music has never existed in a vacuum anyway. [5]

Taylor Alatorre: Remember when the internet was still described as a realm of lawless and limitless potential, when open source could be touted as revolutionary praxis and "free flow of information" was a sacred utterance? Now one of the key political questions is whether private companies should be doing more to banish online rulebreakers or whether the federal government should step in to delimit what those rules are. Whichever side ends up winning, it's clear that the wide open spaces of the Frontier Internet are rapidly facing enclosure. Montero Hill learned this the hard way when his @nasmaraj account was suspended by Twitter as part of its crackdown against spam-based virality. While Tweetdeckers are nobody's martyrs, it's a minor tragedy every time an account with that many followers and that much influence gets shunted off to the broken-link stacks of the Wayback Machine. Rules must be laid down, but their enforcement always entails loss -- the bittersweet triumph of civilization over nature that forms the backbone of every classic Western. Maybe Hill/nasmaraj/Lil Nas X had this loss in mind when writing the jauntily defiant lyrics of "Old Town Road." Maybe he was just riding the microtrends of the moment like he was before. Still, this particular microtrend -- the reappropriation of cowboy imagery by non-white Americans -- feels too weighty to be reduced to mere aesthetics. Turner's Frontier Thesis may have been racially blinkered to the extreme, but the myths and yearnings it spawned can never die; they just get democratized. So it makes sense that young Americans, even those who don't know who John Wayne is, would subconsciously reach out for the rural, the rustic, the rugged and free, just as we feel the global frontiers closing all around us. Our foreign policy elites hold endless panel talks about "maintaining power projection" and "winning the AI race," but most normal people don't care about that stuff. We're all secretly waiting for China to take over like in our cyberpunk stories, so we can drop all the pressures of being the Indispensable Nation and just feast off our legacy like post-imperial Britain. And what is that legacy? It's rock, it's country, it's hip hop, it's "Wrangler on my booty," it's all the vulgar mongrelisms that force our post-ironic white nationalists to adopt Old Europe as their lodestar. In short, it's "Old Town Road." We're gonna ride this horse 'til we can't no more, we're gonna reify these myths 'til we can't no more, because when the empire is gone, the myths are all we have. (Oh, and the Billy Ray remix is a [10]. Obviously.) [9]

Jonathan Bradley: People suppose that genre exists to delineate a set of sounds, and while it does do that, it depends even more on its ability to build, define, and speak for communities. The question of whether "Old Town Road" is a country song or not is in some ways easily resolved: country music showed no interest in Lil Nas X -- or at least not until Billy Ray Cyrus noticed an opportune moment to complicate expectations and grab headlines -- and so Lil Nas X's song was not country. Even taking into account its sound and subject matter, his hit is best understood as a burlesque on country music, one that parodies and exaggerates the genre's motifs and themes for heightened effect. The kids on TikTok, who turned the long-gone lonesome blues of the song's tumbleweed hook into viral content, understand this intuitively: they use the incongruity that clarifies at the beat drop as an opportunity to engage in caricature and costume. And while Lil Nas X, a huckster and a trendspotter before he was a pop star, has been happy to embrace the yee-haw mantle that has been bestowed upon him, his song is a familiar rap exercise in play and extended metaphor. The Shop Boyz did much the same thing with "Party Like a Rock Star" and it would be obtuse to suppose that was a rock song. And yet, as the country historian Bill C. Malone has written, country since its inception has attracted fans "because of its presumed Southern traits, whether romantically or negatively expressed"; there has always been a bit of schtick to this sound. I wondered when we reviewed Trixie Mattel whether country is, on some level, intrinsically camp, and it's tough to declare definitively that Lil Nas X's bold hick strokes are that much more stylized than Jake Owen's performance of small town ordinariness. And just as a country music based on cohesive community rather than sound has found itself broad enough to encompass northern hair metal, Auto-Tuned club stomps, and Ludacris, the gate-keeping involved in keeping Lil Nas X out begins to look suspicious. After all, the first song to debut on Billboard's Most Played Juke Box Folk Records chart, the predecessor to today's Hot Country Songs, was "Pistol Packin' Mama," a hillbilly goof by the decidedly uncountry combination of Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters. As Malone has written, "While the commercial fraternity thought mainly of profits, the recording men, radio executives, publicists, promoters, ad men, sponsors, and booking agents who dealt with folk music also readily manipulated public perceptions in order to sell their products." One of the ways they did that was to tap into already mythological figures of American individualism like the cowboy, who is, after all, a creature of the west and not the South. "The respective visions of cowboy and western life drew far more from popular culture and myth ... than they did from reality," Malone writes of the early country singers who embraced cowboy personae; in some ways Lil Nas X's purloining of meme interest in that same culture places him within a rich country heritage. After all, when in popular entertainment has shameless self-promotion not been part of the aspirant's trade? It does matter how cultural communities react to the music made in their name, but when certain people are adjudicated not fit for club membership, it is worth asking why. Country's culture, I said recently, is "one that's implicitly but not definitely Southern, implicitly but not definitely rural, and implicitly but not definitely white," and it's easy to see how Lil Nas X doesn't fit into that. Country music's racism isn't unique to the genre -- the historical hegemonies of punk and indie rock are at least as determinedly white -- but it is particularly visible. Country is racist like the South is racist like America is racist. Lil Nas X disrupts that settlement, helping us imagine a country music that genuinely encompasses the music of the American South -- a genre that has space for "This is How We Roll" and Miranda Lambert, Lil Boosie and Young Thug, "Formation" and Juvenile, and perhaps even Norteño and banda sounds. That would be, however, not only a far different country music to what we know today, but the music of a far different America. [7]

Iris Xie: Yeet haw! Aside from the great pleasure I've had in showing this to my friends, (Me, two weeks ago: "Have you heard this country trap song???" My friends, this week: "Iris, that song you're talking about now has Billy Ray Cyrus on it??") and either slinging back and forth memey references, engaging in discussions on the state of white supremacy in the music industry while also debating about the song's merit, or hearing my friends start singing "can't nobody tell me nothing..." very quietly at any moment and I can't help but join in -- it's all been very fun. Aside from making plans to play "Old Town Road" on my next country road drive to Costco, something that's occurred to me is that this is a song boosted by the status and calamity of its metanarrative. We could always use more discussions of the double standards that Black and POC artists face in the industry when it comes to genres and participating in it, and I'm honestly glad Lil Nas X just made something that was fun and made sense to him, even if "Old Town Road" doesn't stray too much from the conventions of both trap and country, resulting in a well-balanced mashup that sounds more safe than surprising to me, but is serene in its confidence nevertheless. On the flipside of that genre-mashing, Miley wishes and is probably very jealous of her father now for hopping onto this train, lest we forget about all of her cultural appropriation attempts. But for the song itself, those long, relaxed drawls and the imagery of riding a horse to the trap beat -- why not? We live in weird times now, Black people's contributions to country music were erased, and it's kind of a relaxing song. Also, I'm a fan of the "Can't nobody tell me nothing" lyric, which has become an unintentionally defiant line in the face of all the backlash, resulting in a message to rally around. Now excuse me, as I text my friends that "I'm gonna take my horse down to the old town road." [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[aghostpost]

7,13 for Frank Castle for the Halloween Au ?? 😍😍🎃🎃🎃❤️❤️❤️

7. Grabbed at the same time for the last copy of a scary movie and 13. You took my pumpkin pie on accident and I have your apple pie one

I hummed to the music in my headphones as I pushed my cart through the nearest 24-hour Walmart. We were having a stupid Halloween party at work tomorrow which I had forgotten all about (or maybe pushed so far to the back of my head since I didn’t want to attend). So here I was at nearly 1am shopping for paper plates and cups, cider, and apple pie that I’d sprinkle with cinnamon and top off in the oven as if I baked it myself.

Surprisingly even at this hour there was still someone handing out samples. Little plastic cups with pieces of pie in each. I knew I was there for apple but that didn’t stop me from trying the pecan, which was giving me a cavity off the one bite alone, or the pumpkin, which I always hated but for some reason thought eventually I’d find the one pumpkin pie to rule them all.

I would not find that ultimate pie today.

“Can I get an apple, too?” I questioned louder than I needed to thanks to the headphones. The person working the bakery was already digging for a pie the guy next to me asked for, so I thought they’d grab mine as well.

He didn’t seem like the type to be strolling through a Walmart at 1am. He had this whole survivalist look about him, like he had his end of the world bunker ready and waiting for him at any given moment, and here he was picking up a pie. Hell, he didn’t even look like he ate pie! A low crew cut, beaten jeans with leather boots neatly tucked under them, an army green cargo jacket. His face was hard as stone, but I couldn’t help but notice it was a handsome face.

After taking the pie being handed to me I went to grab a gallon of cider before heading to find paper products. On my way I passed electronics and a display of horror films for five bucks, and who could turn down cheap DVDs? Although let’s be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I actually used my DVD player… Even the phrase ‘DVD player’ was beginning to sound outdated and obsolete. But I’d dust it off to watch this collection of Child’s Play films which was a personal favorite.

But like a scene from a movie another hand reached for the very same copy, the last one on display, as I did. I looked to see the pie guy, retrieving his hand and taking a step back. “Excuse me-”

“-No no, go ahead. I’ve seen these movies a thousand times each by now,” I said with a chuckle.

“Make that a thousand and one for me. I mean it, really; it’s yours.”

“You sure?” I asked with a raised brow, slowly reaching for the DVD.

“You were here first. What kinda gentleman would that make me?”

“Well in that case…” I tossed the DVD into my cart with a smile and returned the earbud to my ear, bouncing off to my music with a friendly goodbye to the pie guy.

Only it wasn’t goodbye. The thing about Walmart was that I would come for one thing, and always left with ten things more. After I found everything I came for I wound up in the cosmetics isle when I bumped into pie guy once again. I gave him a bit of side eye. “You followin’ me?”

He huffed a small laugh to himself. “No, I-”

“-Because if you really want the movie you can have it, I swear.”

“No no no, please, keep it. Really- I think there may have been some kinda mix up back there. Somehow I wound up with your pie.”

“What?”

He chuckled again with a bit of a side grin this time. “The pies? You took my pumpkin on accident and I have yer apple one,” he stated, extending the apple pie to me for an exchange.

“Oh! Oh- My bad!” I turned to grab the pie from my cart. “Honestly, I don’t know how I got these mixed up. I mean, apple pie has a crust and pumpkin clearly does not.”

“It’s fine. I think you were, uh, a lil’ occupied with yer music to notice.”

“You know you coulda just… went back to the bakery and grabbed a new pie instead of finding me, right?” I teased.

He chuckled again, looking at the pie as he scratched the back of his head. “I was actually on my way there but couldn’t help but overhear someone blasting Bruno Mars from their headphones. Ya gonna blow yer ears out, ya know that right?”

“… Would it be rude if I said I’m shocked you even recognized Bruno Mars?”

He nodded to himself, turning to head back to the checkout lines. “You enjoy that pie, ma’am.”

“You do the same…” As he walked away I couldn’t help but noticed how well he was wearing those jeans, twisting my head a bit for a better view. He tossed a look back at me over his shoulder, which of course made me quickly divert my attention to a nearby display of mascara. He shook his head as he laughed at me and continued to walk away.

I’d remember this encounter as the only good experience a pumpkin pie has ever brought me.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 2nd June 2019

Top 10

So Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber are still at #1 for a third week after debuting at the spot last month, and there’s another Ed Sheeran single from his upcoming collaborations project coming in the top 10 later on. It’s safe to say Sheeran’s made a comeback but he’s definitely not as massive as he was in the Divide era, it’s not like he’s inescapable now, but he probably has a bigger era coming and this is some pointless side project.

Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus is also holding at the runner-up spot.

Also not moving at all since last week is the entire top four. Yup, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is still at number-three.

Stormzy’s “Vossi Bop” is still at number-four, as well. The top four have all gone to #1 for several weeks, may I add, so I guess that’s cool.

Moving up a single space to number-five is Billie Eilish’s “bad guy”.

She seems to have moved past “Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys still gaining one space to number-six but not enough to overtake her.

Capaldi’s “Hold Me While You Wait” understandably drops off two spaces to number-seven after the album boost fades.

The late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc is at standstill at number-eight.

Oh, and we have our highest debut this week and the only one in the top 10, “Cross Me” by Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock – yes, I was confused as well – premiering on the charts at number-nine. This is Sheeran’s 23rd (!) Top 10 hit in the UK, Chance’s fourth (All of which have been features) and obviously PNB Rock’s first, but also his first ever charting song in the UK. Ed Sheeran really can make careers I suppose... except this is PNB Rock’s second charting song by technicality, as his vocals in XXXTENTACION’s “changes” were left uncredited.

Finally, “If I Can’t Have You” by Shawn Mendes has re-entered the top 10 after a three space boost to #10.

Climbers

In terms of climbers, there’s not much of note here, in fact, there is one singular song that had any notable gain this week, and that’s “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike up six spaces to #33. Come on, let’s get this into the top 20 at least. It deserves it.

Fallers

We have a lot of these, on the other hand, a pretty large amount for a cooler week. In reverse order, Lil Dicky and Friends’ “Earth” is slowly making its way out of the charts as it goes down nine spaces to #40, “Motorola” by Da Beatfreakz, Dappy, Deno and Swarmz is down six spots to #38 as most of the UK rap songs fade out pretty quickly if they don’t debut high, “Just You and I” by Tom Walker continues its losses down seven spots to #36, “No Diet” by Digga D loses all its buzz down seven positions as well to #32, “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack surprisingly sticks in the top 30 as it dips down five spots to #28, while “So Am I” by Ava Max also has continued losses down six to #25, “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Playboi Carti unfortunately collapses down seven positions to #24 off of the debut, and finally, the album boost dies off for “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi down five spots to #14.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

I am not surprised at all when it comes to these drop-outs, as most of them are pretty obviously not going to succeed past their high debuts last week, such as “Nightmare” by Halsey out from #26, “I THINK” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Solange from #30 and “Jealous” by DJ Khaled featuring Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Big Sean out from #37, or already extended chart runs like “Walk Me Home” by P!nk from #27 after 14 weeks. Songs that never properly bloomed or peaked at the levels of popularity they could have in their prematurely cut chart run, such as “Homicide” by Logic featuring Eminem out from #38 and “Don’t Worry Bout Me” by Zara Larsson out from #40, as well as “Greaze Mode” by Skepta featuring Nafe Smallz from #35, although due to the album this will rebound next week.

“Falling Like the Stars” by James Arthur has returned to #35 for whatever Godforsaken reason, but otherwise, there are no returning entries, so let’s get straight to the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “Wish You Well” – Sigala and Becky Hill

Produced by Sigala and Jarly – Peaked at #9 in Scotland

I hate the plastic house music that gets on the charts pretty much each and every week. Dance music is art, of course, it is, all music is, but this type of plastic, slick house music made by some producer featuring a singer who’s either a complete no-name or established pop princess, both bringing equally bland performances, has no personality and little artistic merit. I don’t hate pop music inherently, of course, I don’t, I love reviewing it but listening to these songs each week is painful because I know for a fact everyone involved didn’t care and just want it to bang in the clubs, but you know what, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it infuriates me so much because I love house music and this stuff just reeks of soullessness, or maybe it’s just oversaturation, but nevertheless, this is Sigala’s eighth UK Top 40 hit and The Voice UK contestant Becky Hill’s sixth (fifth as a credited artist), and, well, did you expect it to be any good? Of course not, it has pretty dry keys that back up the reverb-drenched vocals from Becky Hill, who really doesn’t match up with the joyful instrumental as she has a lower tone with a lot more bite, fitting the song’s content pretty well considering it’s a sarcastic good luck and good riddance to an old lover. The house instrumental, however, loses that memo entirely, because Sigala doesn’t care, it’s probably a song written by Hill and her songwriters as a ballad or pop rock jam that got completely ruined by Sigala remixing it into a banger for the clubs and radio fodder. There’s something here, for sure, but Sigala misses the point as he does most of the time. Oh, and the mixing is shoddy in the chorus, but I expected that out of the janky chorus because that’s what Siggy does, I guess. God, this is dull.

#31 – “One Touch” – Jess Glynne and Jax Jones

Produced by Jax Jones and Mark Ralph – Peaked at #8 in Scotland

...There’s ANOTHER one? Okay, well, this one happens to be Jess Glynne’s lead single, as she’s getting top billing whilst Jax Jones is second – I can tell also because of how the single cover isn’t a Jax Jones-branded confectionary. Jones, by the way, is actually one of these house dudes I can kind of understand the hype for, the hooks he writes are infectious and I loved “Breathe” featuring Ina Wroldsen in retrospect. This has debuted pretty low for a Jess Glynne lead single, though, but knowing her ability to have insane longevity in this country’s charts, I know she’ll be fine, especially as this is her 13th UK Top 40 single and Jones’ eighth, but this isn’t great either. I feel like I’ve hear d it before, in 2015, from Jess Glynne’s first album, because this is somewhat dated, I feel, it’s very much of the vein of mid-2010s EDM that was massive back then. Glynne sounds pretty great here, but again her performance directly takes from her older work, and the chorus’ melody and its multi-tracked delivery sounds alarmingly similar to her previous hits “Hold My Hand” and maybe even “My Love”, both songs that I absolutely love. The drop is pretty weak, but it works well enough, once again, however, this is generic and derivative, but what did I expect? If this is Glynne’s lead single, yikes. If it’s Jones’, yeah, I figured.

#29 – “Easier” – 5 Seconds of Summer

Produced by watt, Louis Bell and Charlie Puth? – Peaked at #13 in Belgium and #48 in the US

There are two songs in the UK Top 40 now that sample Nine Inch Nails and make absolutely no sense doing so, but “Old Town Road” is different than this new 5 Seconds of Summer track. First of all, “Old Town Road” is actually good. Second of all, it uses an acoustic guitar sample from one of their darker ambient tracks and interprets it into a country-trap fusion which is innovative, it doesn’t attempt to interpolate any of the industrial rock efforts into a lazy boy band jam the Jonas Brothers wouldn’t accept. While I like “Youngblood” still to this day, this is a very disappointing follow-up and it’s clearly trying for the same vibe, except instead of a pumping bassline to make the chorus feel punchier, you’ve got the flattened Nine Inch Nails sample. I’m pretty sure there’s one second of Summer actually singing here, but the insanely Auto-Tuned vocals would make it hard to distinguish anyway. I actually kind of like the chorus somewhat, since the vocal effects sound pretty interesting at least with the electro-industrial tinges from the Nine Inch Nails sample making it feel quite stiff, which works sonically but doesn’t work with a toxic relationship song, well, does it? He’s stuck in this relationship that he’s struggling with, so surely an intimate, cluttered mess would be fitting, but the only reason he’s stuck is because she’s attractive so the dull trudge of the beat definitely detracts from the content, since he can get out at any point if he gets over his own hormonal urges, so maybe it should have more bounce, more energy, maybe a groove, but it’s not there. This is the band’s tenth UK Top 40 single, and it sucks pretty bad.

#18 – “The London” – Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis Scott

Produced by T-Minus – Peaked at #6 in Canada and #12 in the US

Now, I’ve been waiting to talk about this one, because I love Young Thug, or at least I love the concept of Young Thug – an unorthodox constantly switching flow, a voice hitting frequencies only dogs can hear and nonsensical lyrics about nutting on fishes on sofas crooned off-key with an insane amount of Auto-Tune that only makes it more engaging... over average trap beats. This is a genius formula to me, but often the production doesn’t really help Thugger at all, in fact, I’m let down by a lot of the beats he has especially on earlier mixtapes and the YSL compilation project. He kills most features, can easily develop a narrative in a verse, is a crazy performer with funny lyrics, yet most of his songs don’t slap as much as they could because while Thugger’s got everything, he has to commit to the limitations of the beat and often that slows him down and dampens him. I liked his newest EP, and that got me thinking about his new project and where it was going... then I found out it was called GOLFMOUFDOG (Probably) and that J. Cole was executive producing it. Well, lookie here, we have Cole and Travis Scott, which probably propelled it a lot further to become his highest-charting song as the lead artist in both countries. I like all these artists to some capacity, but once again they all have to fit on the same beat, with entirely different flows, deliveries and approaches. This is going to be a bad idea and a complete trainwreck. This is Thugger’s third UK Top 40 hit, Cole’s seventh (sixth as a credited artist) and Travis’ seventh as well, and it’s surprisingly very refined and kind of restrained. The piano-based beat from T-Minus doesn’t catch up, pretty simply, and it works for Cole but not Thugger, while Travis Scott’s hook (He doesn’t have a verse) is actually pretty great. Cole’s verse is also pretty great, ripping a flow from Thugger and drowning himself in Auto-Tune in order to flub some multi-tracked rhymes with some funny lines like Cole posting pictures on a sonogram. Thugger makes this, though, and I see a lot of people saying he doesn’t fit, and of course, he doesn’t, he’s off-beat as hell, and he’s borderline screeching, where he takes about, paraphrasing here, your broad in a garage eating semen, with oddly emotional delivery. It’s hilarious when he takes a break from ogling at her thighs to say that he “sees the pain in shorty’s light brown eyes”. What? Also, there’s kind of a bridge which is not funny at all but it sounds hilarious, where he has a rapid flow, stops and then lets the beat be so empty for a while, before muttering a slight “Yeah”. He does this twice, and the second one gets me every time. Also, he’s reciting the fire escape procedure because of course he is, before ending his verse with a delightful “GRAH GRAH”. Man, this is the Thugger I want, the Thugger that doesn’t work on the beat at all, and doesn’t constrain himself. I want more screeching. Oh, and Cole, Travis, you’re alright, lads, I especially like their vocal riffing on the intro and outro, but come on, Thugger really steals the show.

#17 – “OT Bop” – NSG

Produced by 4PLAY

Remember these guys from “Options” with Tion Wayne? Yeah, this is their second UK Top 40 hit and I’m surprised it debuted so high but I really liked these guys last time with their melodic, synth-heavy take on faux-grime-dancehall that everyone else can’t make interesting if they tried. I figured NSG would come back with something much less unique and quite a bit generic... they’ve thrown me for a loop, because this is actually kind of weird. Instead of a cloudy synth pattern, we’ve got a really eerie, hypnotic vocal sample and an unconventional beat, with pitch-shifted repetitions of the chorus running through the left and right channels abruptly. There’s some fun ad-libs and sometimes the beat just skips, which is somewhat incompetent and really odd on first-listen, but it grew on me and is actually really fun afterwards. The charisma of each rapper is infectious, especially the dudes from about 30 seconds to 1 minute and 20 seconds, he’s really fun (No, I’m not memorising their names), and you can tell they’re laughing while recording. The signature blunt British delivery makes his first bars really memorable as well.

Meant to go to uni... sold drugs / Got a bag... oh f***

The random string accentuations added are really unnecessary and jarring, but they work and they continue to build up throughout the whole song, while the rappers get quieter the beat just continues to develop and become much more bouncy and exciting, with several buzzing synths that distort in a brief spoken word bridge. Not to mention it’s really catchy, and, yeah, I can see this growing on me.

#9 – “Cross Me” – Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock

Produced by Fred Gibson – Peaked at #6 in Australia and #34 in the US

Uh... sure. Let’s get this done quickly because, no, I don’t care about a new Ed Sheeran album and the less I talk about him the less I feel the need to listen to it. This is the second single, and it samples an XXL freestyle from PNB Rock, taking his lyrics about his daughter out of context and re-appropriating it to be a macho posturing 90s R&B jam about how if you want to cross Ed’s girl, you have to cross him. PNB Rock said “She’s my seed”, though, Ed, you sick f—

It’s not like he can’t ride the gliding synths, bouncy beat and plunging 808s but it all seems really not thought out at all, and it really isn’t a PNB Rock sample if you just loop his sample. Chance the Rapper’s verse is... great. He doesn’t work as well as he could on this beat, but his charismatic verse about defending his girl with a blade because she’s the queen, while over-protective, works because everyone involved knows it’s really silly and hyperbolic, and the delivery shows that. The chorus is catchy enough so it’s fine. It sure is fine. I don’t want to hear it ever again.

Conclusion

Uhhhhh nothing here is amazing except “The London” so Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis get Best of the Week for that, while Honourable Mention probably goes to NSG for “OT Bop”. It’s a fun track. Otherwise, well, “Easier” is kind of awful so 5 Seconds of Summer get Dishonourable Mention because Jess Glynne and Jax Jones painfully ripping themselves off in “One Touch” is much more painful to listen to. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[thedaycourts]

(completed) acowar liveblog

ACOWAR LIVE BLOG (SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY)

spoilers will be ahead... you have been warned

feel free to message me to talk about the book!

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5/1/17 11:22pm- someone help me I've literally preordered the ebook and the hardcover (which hasn't even shipped yet ugh) and I'm so prepared 

5/1/17 11:31pm- I've read the first 8 sample chapters so. many. times... i'm ready for the real thing now pls thx bye

5/2/17 12:06am- IT TOOK TILL 12:06 FOR THE EBOOK TO RELEASE OMG MIDNIGHT RELEASE MY BUTT SMH

---

chapters 1-8: i kinda like jurian actually (maybe ill regret saying that idk), lucien being protective of elain is making my heart warm, tamlin makes me wanna kill someone, feyre shouldve cut ianthe’s throat tbh, the twins give out such weird vibes, AND OMG rhys and feyre sending images of themselves sticking their tongues out is my moodboard i love it so much

chapter 9: “Blood rubies or no, you will always have one friend in the Summer Court.” My throat bobbed. “And you will always have one in mine,” I promised her. She knew which court I meant. And did not look afraid. I LOVE ALIS OK SHE IS ACCEPTING AND PROTECTIVE AND AMAZING

ianthe needs to get her filthy hands off of lucien before i strangle her

LUCIEN AND FEYRE GOING TO THE NIGHT COURT TOGETHER HECK TO THE YES 

chapter 12: @luciens brothers can you go die pls ok thx bye

chapter 13: CASSIAN IS OK AND SO IS AZ ADHEIOFHJKFAJ MY LIFE IS SLOWLY PIECING ITSELF BACK TOGETHER

“i am the high lady of the night court” hECK YES YOU ARE

the tender cassian and feyre hug made me sob even more and then the mor hug hauidfghuajkshcdfa the feels

chapter 14: I AM SOBBING I AM S O B B I N G AT THIS FEYSAND REUNION HELP MY POOR BROKEN SOUL

also omg just imagine lucien watching this reunion bc i think his expression would be absolutely priceless

chapter 15: “I was in love with Feyre,” Rhys said quietly, “long before she ever returned the feeling.” whats that noise??? oh yeah its just the sound of my heart breaking no big deal

“I revealed the mating bond months later—and she gave me hell for it, don’t worry.” hA 

LUCIEN CALLING AMREN A CRANKY OLD AUNT OMG

chapter 16: poor nesta and elain omg no 

i really need to know whats going on between nesta and cassian bc theres def something there hehe

chapter 17: MOR AND CASSIAN AND STICKING THEIR TONGUES OUT TO EACH OTHER TOO NOW OMG FIRST FEYRE AND RHYS AND NOW THEM WHAT IS HAPPENING

chapter 18: “defending the female he loved”  PLS JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY @MOR @AZRIEL 

“our family” MY HEART IS MELTING HELP I JUST WANT MY BABIES TO BE HAPPY

“It was the first time you had looked … peaceful. Like you were indeed awake, alive again. I was so relieved I thought I’d puke right onto the table.” GUYS RHYS CARES SO MUCH ABOUT FEYRE LIKE PLS REALIZE HE WAS SO ECSTATIC THAT SHE LOOKED ALIVE AGAIN HE WANTED TO PUKE BC HE CARES ABOUT HER SO. FREAKING. MUCH.

“I will fight with everything I have, too, Rhys. Everything.” why do i have the feeling this is foreshadowing something that i am not going to like at all

chapter 19: “Why should I be scared of an oversized bat who likes to throw temper tantrums?” this is how true love starts out 400% you go nesta 

chapter 21: oh dang it here goes the nightmares starting up again

chapter 22: feyre sees the bone carver as their son omg what can this please happen

chapter 23: “Nothing about Nesta could frighten me.” *cue me audibly going awwwwww*

chapter 24: “She was the most beautiful female he’d ever seen.” This seems to be a common way of thinking when people look at their mates hehe throwback to acotar

az is such a bean like who else is awesome enough to wait 500 years for the girl he loves 

chapter 26: AZRIEL PUTTNG HIS HAND ON TOP OR MOR’S DURING THE MEETING WITH KIER OMG WHY MUST SHE REJECT HIS TENDER HAND TOUCH

chapter 27: mor being depressed bc of what she witnessed at the meeting makes me wanna cry

omg the inner court arguing what is this

chapter 29: tbh az reminds me of myself so much and i think we have the same MBTI personality type((:

chapter 30: the heck is hybern’s little minions doing in velaris nonunion go home you aren't allowed here

chapter 32: NESTA IS A SEER WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

chapter 33: “He did not glance back at Elain. Did not see the half step she took toward the stairs—as if she’d speak to him. Stop him.” elucien for rulers of the autumn court pls

chapter 34: varian warning amren??? they're friends?? so they keep in touch?? hmmmmmmm sounds suspicious(((;

chapter 36: KING OF HYBERN VS RHYS OMG WHAT AM I ABOUT TO WITNESS

oh jk he wasn't really there oops

chapter 38: I think tarquin should forgive them especially since they came to his rescue but hey thats just me

chapter 39: “And it was precisely because of it that I said, “I love you.” His head lifted, eyes churning. “There was a time when I dreamed of hearing that,” he murmured. “When I never thought I’d hear it from you.” 

nesta being worried ab cassian ahhhhhh

chapter 42: nesta being named emissary omg i love it

“And to my eternal shock, a smile tugged at Nesta’s mouth.” ahaha

GAMBLING ON THE FIGHTS AT THE MEETING AHAHA WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED AT ALL

chapter 43: this viviane girl seems cool.. i hope she doesn't end up stabbing my babies in the back:)))

ew no i was perfectly fine with having tamlin absent for the remainder of the book

same @feyre who is 500% done with tamlin and his crap 

chapter 45: NESTA STANDING UP FOR CASSIAN AND SASSING OUT BERON IS THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 

chapter 47: I'm beginning to really like helion

chapter 48: too bad i already saw spoilers so i knew helion was luciens dad smhhhhhhh

ok but like if nesta thinks something is wrong, shouldn't you have learned by now that something is usually wrong???????

wow would ya look at that...something was wrong *scowls*

chapter 52: where the frick frackle jensen ackle did jurian come from 

chapter 53: ok but i totally called jurian being good

....tamlin still being a tool i see 

chapter 55: they keep mentioning their dad so i have a feeling he's in trouble/being held captive

chapter 56: nesta helping heal cass omg yes

YES MY GIRL SURI

chapter 58: I've never wanted ianthe dead more,,,,WHO DARES SHOOT MY GIRL SURI HREIAOFHJAKEF FIGHT ME

chapter 60: i literally bawled so much when suri died omg i sounded like a dying horse

chapter 61: this episode of honestly hour features feyre and mor going head-to-head about decisions and relationships... stay tuned for the next episode

chapter 62: amren and varian kissing hm how do i feel ab this

chapter 63: ELAIN IS AN ACTUAL SUNSHINE WHO DARES TAKE HER AWAY (of course its az my little bean who notices she's gone)

also I'm betting ten bucks lucien will find her and save her (prolly not gonna happen but it would be cute if he did)

chapter 64: EW SHE HAS TO BE IANTHE WOW THATS UNFORTUNATE

rhys and feyre’s goodbyes felt more like a pep talk than a sad goodbye but thats just me

ok thanks for saving feyre @tamlin but for the record i still hate you

chapter 65: omg nesta hugging feyre and all the sisters being all nice and cuddly makes me so happy

chapter 66: the moriel shipping part of me is very sad but yunno maybe this means i can keep az for myself (or elain can have him idk which direction sarah will take this) and mor can be eternally happy((:

sooooo does this mean elain x az is now gonna happen bc like az is gonna need someone to help heal the hole in his heart and elain is such a sweetie but what about lucien????

chapter 68: but are we ever gonna know what feyre saw in the mirror?

chapter 69: tender az and elain moment omg that was so cute i love my smol beans

“I would have waited five hundred more years for you. A thousand years. And if this was all the time we were allowed to have … The wait was worth it.” AWEEE

rhys and his lil speeches to everyone dang what is this

chapter 70: “And then Nesta began screaming. Not in pain. But a name. Over and over. “CASSIAN.” IM SUCH NESSIAN TRASH IDOFHAJDKFA

chapter 71: “This was it. The last moments … the last time I would see them all.” nothings even happened yet and I'm already crying

“He told me that he’s got three daughters who live here. And that he failed them for many years. But he would not fail them this time.” well shoot i have no words rn and tbh i kinda forgot their dad existed the past few chapters

chapter 72: “She wrapped her arms tightly around Cassian, those gray-blue eyes bright, then they were gone.” THEY GIVE ME LIFEEEE YESSSS

chapter 73: OK AMREN WHAT ARE YA DOIN???

chapter 74: ....welp... bye bye mr archeron thanks for saving my babies and also wHERE THE FRICK DID YOU COME FROM?? nesta and elain and feyre being sad is making me sad

OK WHY IS CASSIANS WINGS GETTING HURT AGAIN??? i feel like this is sarah starting a new thing like “hey! lets just end every book with cassian’s wings getting ripped to shreds!!”

“I have no regrets in my life, but this.” His voice shook with every word. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.” FRICK OMG THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE MOMENT I BECAME COMPLETE NESSIAN TRASH. AND THEN THE KISS. OH MY. I CANT. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

and elain coming to the rescue omg heck to the yes

chapter 75: nesta stabbing the king is tHE BEST. i can't just feel the pure rage and emotion radiating out of her as she twists the blade in his neck. think of the people she's doing it for. her dad, her sisters, her new family, cassian. this scene gives me so many feels

amren saying she's glad she met feyre awe

chapter 76: AHHHH RHYS IM SOBBING NO FEYRE HDAUKHJD AHHHH WHY DID RHYS DIE ON PAGE 666

chapter 77: feyre screaming for rhys nononononono i feel my soul shattering

rhys was DEAD and he comes back making a JOKE....why is this not surprising

chapter 78: lucien is back ahhhh it feels like he was gone for the whole book tbh

yes drakon and miryam hauifheajkdfhajfha

chapter 81: RHYSAND’S POV YESSSS

talking about feyre’s “beautiful laugh” ahhhhhh they're sooooo cuteeee

chapter 82: i LOVE the fact the book ended with them all peaceful. they deserve it. i love everyone. i am happy. goodbye.

[elsbethvanparidon-blog]

Playful, cool, fun, witty, cute with an edge streetwear. Cool, but not icy. Cute, but mean. Playful, but not OTT. Most of the MØPSI brand‘s visual elements and art direction have been influenced by founder Kai-Li Ma‘s 90s upbringing, as well as by her personal taste and style. MØPSI is basically Ma reincarnated as a little unipig. Temper Magazine calls on this German-Chinese creative centipede for a little chit chat and shares the hate. Verdammt ich lieb dich.

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Beats by Dre, shoots with Chen Man and a lil’ Diesel style set against the backdrop of that stunningly tall Shanghai Skyline — since 2014. Straight outta Hamburg she hails: Model, TV personality, certified yoga teacher and now designer Kai-Li Ma. Ma never did have a whole lotta of love for humans. She considered them a strange species and one hard to understand, at that. Humans frustrated her and made things difficult. Even as a little Leila bun booting Schwein she’d yell “I hate humans!” as she smashed her 90s GameBoy on the floor, upset at whoever created Tetris level 12.

Fast forward 25 years and together, we strap on that “when pigs fly!” fanny pack and get on that soapbox so without any further ado…

Time to dish out the MArching orders!

Socks, Slogans And Headbands

Temper: Socks, slogans and headbands. We see MØPSI, we see quirky edge. We see Kai-LI, we see 100 percent non-Kardashian ultracool. What do you see?

Ma: Quite literally I see how my once upon a time childhood nickname has now become the name of my brand with the unipig which I drew as a tattoo outline a few years ago, now the logo of my brand. This MØPSI brand is highly personal to me; I have poured my all into it and it is an integral part of me. My favorite animal and my favorite clothing pieces are now sitting in front of me, it’s just crazy — and really is a dream come true. I have always dreamed of kick starting my own clothing brand, always wondering what it would look like and…. Tadaaa! Here we are!

Take the Pig Pocket T-shirt. It might look like a standard white Tee to most, but I did in fact create it from scratch. I chose the fabric and exact weight of the preshrunk cotton, the type of collar, the stitching on the sleeves, the pocket sizing, etc. Zee design n*zi, ja?! HA

Founder Kai-Li Ma models for her baby brand MØPSI. Image courtesy of MØPSI

You’re In The Army Now

Temper: Given we too signed up for the newsletter… Who else is in the MØPSI Army now?

Ma: Our MØPSI Army ranges from heavy metal musicians to anime lovers to the millennial streetwear enthusiast to that hard-editing creative director and the occasional Kai-Li supporter. [insert wink] It can be anyone who identifies with the message of “human hating”, loves MØPSI the unipig because it looks cute or those people who just love the products because of their design. I love the fact that MØPSI currently boasts a larger male than female following and the sheer fact that the boys are confident enough to rock a unipig-emblazoned piece. All in all, the MØPSI Army forges a collective of confident, strong, cool, fun individuals.

Temper: What is the MØPSI design and brand philosophy — in three sentences. Go!

Ma: Alright, in three bullet points, we shall do this:

When it comes to the products: I like to keep it clean with much attention paid to detail;

When it comes to the brand image: I try to stay authentic and bring my personality into MØPSI

When it comes to the philosophy: I only create items that I personally love and would wear myself.

I am admittedly quite German when it comes to design — zee design n*zi ja?! HA! I want everything to look and feel (in every sense of the word) a very specific way. Take the Pig Pocket T-shirt, for example. This piece might look like a standard white Tee to most, but I actually did create it from scratch. I chose the fabric and exact weight of the cotton, the type of collar, the stitching pattern on the sleeves, the pocket sizing, i.e. the exact fit to make it that exactly right perfect T-shirt in my opinion. Needless to say, there is a lot of back and forth (samples-wise) until I get what I want. [insert muahahahaaaa evil grin]

I have purposely opted for a unisex collection. I have always worn both mens- and womenswear and I believe that, especially in streetwear, there is no line between what defines men’s versus women’s clothing.

A MØPSI Story. Image courtesy of MØPSI

Skaters And Haters

Temper: What is the ultimate unipig outfit?

Ma: The ultimate outfit would include wearing MØPSI from head to toe HA. Put on the dungarees, the cap, the shirt, the socks and voilà! You have become a true unipig — yes, I do do this sometimes [insert wink].

Temper: Do you have a preference for any artistic era in time, artists, urban environments?

Ma: The 90s. By far. I m just a little N.W.A. and still listen to Biggie like he just came out yesterday. I love overalls and have been wearing overalls my whole life. The artistic era for 90s kids and teenagers involved doodling in you notebook, doing small sketches and cut-out collages, all of which I have integrated into MØPSI. Sub-street cultures such as skating, graffiti, anything hip hop related (music, dance, fashion), now those were my steeeeez!

There’s a huge sense of individuality showing across the streets of first-tier China now compared to three years ago. I actually love the Chinese millennial street style which is a mix of streetwear and punk meshed with an ugly pretty style. 

A MØPSI Story. Image courtesy of MØPSI

Temper: How have you seen people’s individuality and style in China evolve since your Shanghai-touchdown in 2014?

Ma: I can definitely see that over the last few years, people across China’s first- and second-tier (third, even) cities have become more confident and open when it comes fashion. I actually love the Chinese millennial street style which is a mix of streetwear and punk meshed with an ugly pretty style. These guys have now developed their own mix and match, pulling it from whatever outside-influence they can get.

There’s definitely a huge sense of individuality now compared to three years ago when I first got here. Being different used to be a lot harder in China given this wasn’t as accepted, but nowadays the Chinese are becoming increasingly adventurous in their style-ways and manners of self-expression.

I believe there are no fashion NONOs. Just personal NONOs. The fanny pack is always a good accessory because not only is it practical, it just looks supah kool. 

Founder Kai-Li Ma models for her baby brand MØPSI. Image courtesy of MØPSI

Packing UniPig Style

Temper: What’s your deal with accessories? What do accessories mean for an outfit? What’s your biggest accessorizing NONO? 

Ma: I personally like to have only one or two pieces of key accessories. I’m not into the Christmas tree look; over-accessorizing is just not for me. [Here at Temper we admittedly do at times rock that Christmas boat/ Thanksgiving float]

I believe there is no such thing as a fashion NONO anymore. Just personal NONOs.

The MØPSI cap is always one of my go-to accessories because it can give any outfit a bit more flair and you can basically wear it with anything.

The fanny pack too is always a good accessory  not only because of its mere practicality, but also because it just looks supah kool. I like to have my hands free — to judo chop people in the neck ha — and the fanny pack features numerous little pockets so that small items are easy to find and quick to take out. Like my chapstick. And I sometimes just like to pet the bag because it’s so soft. That young, virgin, organically fed sheep skin is definitely the smoothest. It’s MØPSI.

  “Kai-Li’s eyes transformed into hearts, pumping with love and admiration. A human hating unipig for human haters, MØPSI was perfect! Her tiny horn capable of stabbing humans, and wings to fly away! The two connected eyes just for a moment before Mopsi jumped, flipped, and flew off into the distance ready to spread her human hating message to the rest of the world.”

And they lived hatefully ever after.

                                                                  All images come courtesy of Kai-Li Ma and MØPSI

Contact MØPSI via 

email: hurro@mopsitheunipig.com

Facebook: MOPSITHEUNIPIG

Instagram: @mopsitheunipig

Copyright@Temper Magazine, 2018. All rights reserved

    MØPSI: Human hating quotes, the chibi comic style brand story, the fun collages, the animated gifs,... All these details are little pieces of founder Kai-Li Ma's personality that have come together to create a millennial brand. Playful, cool, fun, witty, cute with an edge streetwear. Cool, but not icy. Cute, but mean. Playful, but not OTT. 

[fossadeileonixv]

Professor Rockett's Final Grades

This is a good picture that I like.

So as we wind up the season, I've decided to grade Milan's major players (at least five league appearances) as well as coaching and management on a very American A-F scale. Not much else to say, just read, respond and riot. Remember, these are only my opinions, so while probably right, feel free to disagree.

Keepers

Donnarumma (B+): The final month of the campaign was stormy, to say the least, and there’s little doubt that he cost us points in the league and a chance at the Coppa, but subtract those couple matches and you had a very solid junior season from The Don. During the hump of the season the wantaway (or manipulated, or both) youngster was vital in saving points to keep us within reach of the Champions League and without some of those performances we’re missing out of Europe next year. Markedly improved his footwork and distribution, and aside from his recent form, continued as a stalwart between the sticks. He’s a polarizing dude around these parts, but I for one, am gonna miss the big lug.

Defense

Calabria (B): I was not high on Calabria prior to this season. I thought that he had decent pace, good vision on the counter, and was capable of placing some accurate crosses but I felt he was undersized and slow to react on the defensive side. However, the gains Davide made this season were palpable and made me a believer. He filled in better than anyone really could have expected after the Conti blow, and minus a few hiccups, was a consistent performer for the bulk of the season.

Bonucci (C+): After a disastrous first half of the season where nearly every game was punctuated by at least one inexplicable personal mistake, the 42 million euro man settled in alongside Romagnoli nicely after Gattuso’s appointment and subsequent switch to a four-man back. While never really reaching the form displayed at Juventus, was a solid battery-mate to the breakout A.R., and seemed to nurture his growth.

Romagnoli (A-): Aside from Koulibaly, was maybe Serie A’s best defender from December on. Was the anchor of the defense when we implemented the 4-3-3, providing a stout base to, at times, a curvy spine. The comparisons to Nesta extend far beyond the number as his positioning, awareness, technique, and timing all made dramatic improvements. My team MVP.

Rodriguez (B-): Advertised as an inverted fullback, I expected a lot more from the Hot Rod after his move from Wolfsburg last summer. Stymied somewhat by a significantly weaker attacking left side, R.R. left a lot to be desired in attack, with many of his crosses and shots wildly off-the-mark. However, he held up his end of the bargain on the defensive side of things (let’s just forget that whole Arsenal tie), again, with less protection than the rest of the defense, so all in all, a nice little campaign, albeit a quiet one.

Abate (C-): Gattuso relied on his old chum a little too often for my liking, especially at the end of the season, allowing us to experience his footballing decay in real-time. Pizza making gif was worth keeping him around for though ("I'm gonna let you in on a little Abate family secret here, but the secret to any Neapolitan pizza is cheese.").

Zapata (B-): Can you name a game when Zapata went full Zapata? I’ll wait. The arrivals of Bonucci and Mussachio seemingly damned the Colombian to Europa and Coppa fixtures, but the latter’s inability to secure playing time and a small stretches where A.R. was injured provided Zaps with a couple handfuls worth of starts. Never really went into the ‘God-Zapata’ video-game mode that once cancelled out Higuain, but was consistently good, which is good enough for me.

Musacchio (D+): A weird combination of being third, and then fourth choice, and never really dazzling when given the opportunity left the former Villareal man on the outside looking in. To be fair, he never looked inept, and I would have liked to see him a bit more, but neither Montella nor Gattuso seemed impressed enough in training to make it happen.

Antonelli (INC): Came on mostly as a sub in the dying embers of the match.

Midfield

Kessie (B): I can see a couple eyebrows raised here, but while Franck is probably my favorite player on this squad outside maybe Romagnoli, and though I think he was indispensable to the midfield as our only true box-to-box guy, he suffered mightily at times from being overworked. I’m not faulting him at all as his energy, ability to push possession up, and marking were vital, and far ahead of his age. However, he was a net negative looking absolutely gassed in a number of matches due to a lack of a second option. Here’s hoping we get a vice-Kessie this summer because this kid is too good to run into the ground.

Biglia (B-): It seems so long ago that Lucas Biglia was in such poor form that the timeless Rick Montolivo displaced him in the starting eleven. Then Montella was fired and Gattuso gave him a second chance and he totally redeemed himself! In the few games he missed in the second half of the season, the drop-off in organization was noticeable. Provided uncompromising cover for the backline, short, silky distribution in possession, and was a vital cog in our unbeaten run in the winter.

Bonaventura [C]: This was a rather frustrating season for Jack. While the numbers are respectable with 9 goals in 47 games across all competitions (a more respectable 8 in 33 league appearances), more often than not he cut an uninspired figure on the pitch, giving away possession, running straight into defenders, and disappearing for large swathes of the match. The move from wing to mid may have something to do with it, but even so, that trademark ability to win one on one matchups that made his wing-play so effective was by and large absent.

Montolivo [C]: Old Lady Face did what Old Lady Face does, and that’s do an average job. I’m by no means a hater, as Monty was neither stellar nor poor, filling in admirably while Biglia got himself sorted. Much like a lukewarm cup of water to wash down some advil before bed, necessary and effective.

Locatelli (D+): Had a couple sweet performances towards the end of the season, but otherwise seemed to stagnate if not take a step back entirely. Continued to look overwhelmed in almost every duty as a regista, leading me to believe he isn’t really suited for the role, needs significantly more time to grow into it, or both. A year as a starter at a smaller club could do this kid wonders, because the growth has been uneven here and this past season was in some respects a lost year.

Attack

Suso [C]: Ugh. Just ugh. On one hand, he was the catalyst for a lot of scoring opportunities, pulling the strings, especially in the first half of the season, when no one else was stepping up to that challenge. I am inclined to say he was our most important attacker until around January. On the other, Lisi’s favorite whipping boy put it on airplane mode for the final two or three months of the season, with Milan’s best match of the year incidentally not featuring him at all. Whether it was that teams figured him out, or that his head was somewhere else, or a little bit of both, is something up for debate. But as the season wore on it became apparent that he is not as indispensable as many of us thought.

Kalanic (F): Why get worked up? We all know why. Flop of the year, with no second place.

Calhanoglu (B): After a slow start to the season (notice that trend?) Cal took over the reigns as the offense’s playmaker with the final match of the season punctuating his importance to the club going forward. Though the sample size is comparatively small, we haven’t had an attacking mid with this kind of quality since Kaka (and no, he’s not in Kaka’s class) with the Turk able to beat defenders, shoot from range, bury set pieces, and serve teammates on platters. Of all the young guns on this squad, he’s probably the one with the highest ceiling.

Borini (B-): My guy. The loveable Fabolous Borini seemed to find the net when we wanted it most and for the price, was maybe last year’s biggest bargain, filling in wherever was needed.

Silva (D-): Mr. Thursday Night was pretty much just that. Aside from grabbing three points in stoppage time at The Luigi Ferraris, Andre only seemed to show and prove against the farmers, making maddeningly poor decisions when given the opportunities in the league (seriously, remember him trying that backwards header off a bounce against Udinese? Oof.) Flashes of potential weren’t even there for most of the campaign leaving most of us puzzled as to why his price-tag was a high as it was coming from Porto.

Cutrone (B): This may be the most controversial grade on this dang report card. 18 goals and 6 assists across all competitions at the age of 19? I know, I know. The kid could earn close to an A-, but my issue with Young Pat is how inconsistent the performances were, to really, no fault of his own. The kid is a poacher in the purest form and for long spells of the season, the service, especially for someone of his stature, just was not there. And when he wasn’t fed, he had difficulty imposing himself into the match, physical as he was. An effective partner could do this kid wonders, and as such, next year is going to be interesting. One of the few untouchables and my breakout player of the year.

Coaches

Montella (D+): It started of well for The Lil’ Aeroplane, but Conti’s injury knocked out an engine which in my opinion, doomed the three man back. Hitting this turbulence, Vinnie was either too stubborn or too unimaginative to compensate and the team struggled to forge any type of identity. The two players that most outlets claim were his guys in Musacchio and Kalinic were flaming busts and it seemed he alienated himself from both players and management towards the end of his tenure. In the end, wrong man for the right job.

Gattuso (B+): For the record Gattuso is my favorite Milan player ever. Also for the record, I’m not sold on him leading this team to a top-four spot. I’m not as pessimistic as Mike, but also not as optimistic as maybe Russu, however you can not deny that he provided a jolt to this club when it appeared that nothing could save it. The beginning was rocky, and if you believed some of the rumor rags, he was close to walking away, but he stuck with it and led the club on a 13 game unbeaten run that included victories against Inter, Roma, and Nazio. Sure, Benevento proved to be his kryptonite, Juve thoroughly dressed us down twice, and his subs were confusing at times, but if we’re going strictly by results, there was a solid uptick after he took over and a lot of our players kicked it up a notch at the same time. No coincidence.

Management

Fassobelli, Mirabelli, and whoever our owner is (F): Harsh? Fight me. This management team decided to go for broke and buy our way into the Champions League and it blew up in their collective faces. Personally, while last summer was exciting, I didn’t buy it and had us finishing 5th and didn’t even see sixth as out of the realm of possibility. Starting with the coach, and continuing with expensive buys that in many ways contradicted other expensive buys, the group bet against common sense and depth and tallied up a massive bill with a better team on paper, but one with fundamental flaws. Sure, there are some nice pieces for next season (but let’s be real, a lot of these, Calabria, Cutrone, and AR, were here before the splurge), but I can't see into the future and I cannot give a passing grade to these cats when they spent over 200 million euros to finish… well here, let’s compare this season: 6th place, 64 points (18W, 10D, 10L), 56F/42A/+14; to last season: 6th place, 63 points (18W, 9D, 11L). 57F/45A/+12. How Mirabelli in particular still has a job is beyond me, but here’s to hoping they’ve learned from their mistakes.

That's it! You've reached level three.

Mike’s coming in with some heat soon. Me? I’m off to Ecuador for two weeks so I won’t be around. Have fun, and be prepared for Deadpool Pt. II (Murad, I’m mailing your package tomorrow I swear!)  

[sophiasbox-blog1]

Sophia Navabi "I want you forever even when we're not together. Scars on my body so I can take you wherever like..." Sings quietly in the kitchen, unable to get the song out of her head, busting a few less than attractive dance moves along the way.

J Edward Khrist Leaning to the doorframe, he'd watch her silently as long as he could.

Sophia Navabi Unaware that he was there watching, she continued on. "I can't explain it. I love the pain. And I love the way that your breath numbs me like novocaine. And we are..." Turning around to reach for her bottle of water, bringing it to her lips with the cap still on to use it as a microphone, she catches a glimpse of him there in the doorframe, causing her to stand a little straighter, eyes displaying her own surprise. "Hi..." she manages, drawing a breath knowing he'd seen her from the relaxed position he stood in.

J Edward Khrist Giving up an abrupt laugh at her use of a microphone. Seeing her spot him as he waved her on. "Might as well continue now."

Sophia Navabi "Nooo. You've seen too much," she stated, putting the water bottle back on the counter. "I'll leave it to the man that does it better," she offered, a smirk to her lips as she approached him. "Sing it for me?"

J Edward Khrist "I don't know the words." He lies to her, still wanting to hear it from her.

Sophia Navabi Eyes him, hands finding his sides as she cut her eyes upwards. "Pleeeeaase?"

J Edward Khrist "Always high. Keep it strange...okay, yeah I'm insane..." speaking the lyrics with ease, he'd wait for her to conclude them with that last piece of lyric he tested her knowledge base.

Sophia Navabi "But you the same," she completed, pausing only a moment there as she wasn't sure if he was going on or wanting her to. A smile there on her lips, she drew herself against him, never out of contact with the man for too terribly long. "I'm in love with the most talented man," she confessed easily, tightening her grip at his sides, eyes drifting to his lips before finding his eyes once more.

J Edward Khrist Hearing her complete that next lyric, his eyes would find hers as he wasn't giving anything up. It would be on her to manage before he heard her confession. Having to snort at the mere concept. "Not at all." he remarked as she found his sides.

Sophia Navabi She stepped in closer to him as he disagreed with her. "Mhm," she assured with a knowing nod of her head. "That song gets stuck in my head constantly and it's the one song I don't ever mind being there. If it gets stuck in mine, I can imagine it gets stuck in everyone else's too. Granted, I have a special tie to it, but still." Concluding her words with her lips pressed to his chest, her arms drawing around him. "So just how long were you watching me?"

J Edward Khrist "Just the hook." he reminded her, as that part wasn't on him. It was a sample he had received and worked around it based after the song "Out Of My Head" by Fastball. Regardless, those guys seemed to be making something on it. "No one is completely original now any more. All it is doing the same old shit a new way and making everyone pretend to forget." the confession was an honest one as he felt her to his chest. "Little bit."

Sophia Navabi Hearing him explain to her how it worked, she wrapped her arms fully around his midsection, pulling into him fully as she lifted her chin to look up to him as she heard his confession. "And you still want to marry me in three weeks?" She asked, a smirk there to her lips as she knew she held no musical ability and had to have appeared like a fish out of water in that moment he had caught her. She wasn't quite sure just what her own talent or skill was anymore, but she knew she was not musically inclined, which he could now attest to.

J Edward Khrist Narrows his eyes at her upon the suggestion as he shook his head. "Keep it up, I'm going to think you're trying your way out."

Sophia Navabi The look in her eyes instantly shifted, widening as she shook her head. "I am /not/ trying to find my way out of anything," she promised him, tightening her hold around him. "I'll marry you today without a second thought," she assured him as it was absolutely true.

J Edward Khrist "Okay." he stated simply as he met her eyes. Simply not in the best mood as he gave her a nod. Having to trust that somehow.

Sophia Navabi Lifting one hand to the side of his face, she found that shortness in his response, yet would not draw back from him until he made it clear he wanted her to do so. "I will," she promised, lifting to her toes to press a kiss against his lower tier. "I might have bought a dress to wear," she offered, tilting her head to the side as her eyes lit slightly behind the confession.

J Edward Khrist Feeling her kiss to his lower lip, his eyes would meet hers upon the mention of a dress. "Hopefully you got a lil' bit of slack in it around here. All at once." he remarked as his hand found her abdomen knowing that from one night to the next she seemed to bump out. There was no telling where she might be in a few weeks.

Sophia Navabi Instantly he'd find a nod of her head as she'd done one better. A tight binding at the chest and the rest of the dress flowed free, allowing her bump to grow significantly and the dress would remain to be just fine. Feeling his hand against her stomach, she drew back slightly, allowing herself to look down at the man's stomach there as there was no other moment quite like it for her. Bringing her own hand down from the side of his face to rest overtop of his against her, she lifted her eyes back to his, a soft smile there to her features. "I love you," she promised, her hand tensing over his as the both of them held their baby in the only way they could for the time being.

J Edward Khrist Traveling his hand over her stomach as she took to the top of his his as he followed the curve on the other side of her. Looking up as she spoke. "I love you too."

Sophia Navabi His words were met with a widening smile on her face as she felt them to her very core each and every time. They were not easily thrown about and held weight behind them that spoke louder than even the words themselves could, and for that, her smile would grow at the sound of them. Bringing her hand back from his, leaving him to his baby on his own, her hand found the side of his face once more, her engagement ring on full display there against his face. "I'm marrying your ass," she reminded him as her hand slipped to the back of his neck, urging him to lower his head down to her own.

J Edward Khrist "Got a lot that goes along with that ass." he reminded her as he kept his hand over the bump, eyes slipping down. "When's the next ultra-sound appointment?"

Sophia Navabi Meeting his reminder with a knowing nod, it was the rest of him that she was there for. Feeling his hand still there over her abdomen, she'd make no effort to move from him or to remove his hand as he belonged there just as much as she did. "Middle of the month," she offered, her smile still remaining. "And that's the one that they might be able to tell us just what color blankets to buy for this lil bean's room," she added, not sure if he'd realized that would be the next appointment. "So what do you think? You wanna know or wanna wait and find out when the bean is born?"

J Edward Khrist "No, I want to know." thinking it was honestly stupid that people didn't. "Unless you don't." he assured as he met her eyes.

Sophia Navabi "I absolutely want to know," she offered quickly as there was no doubt in her mind on the matter, though if he hadn't wanted to know, she would have managed just as well under the anticipation. "Are you hoping one way or another though?" she asked, just curious, as she knew she had thoughts on the matter, but wondering if his might be in line with her own.

J Edward Khrist "Not hopes...I do think it'll be a girl but that's not me hoping. Just a foresight." the man predicted without hesitation. "You?"

Sophia Navabi Hearing his prediction that was stronger than a hope, she was surprised, but very much so liking the implication of it. She nodded her head, biting at her lower lip as she was of a like mind. "For a while there, I was hoping for a boy. Something about giving you a son just really did something for me. And then one day, I woke up and it was like instantly I hoped it was a girl. You're going to be such a great father and lil bean will be lucky to have you either way, but I really do think it's a girl," she confessed, though she had nothing to actually base it on.

J Edward Khrist "Yeah...but it doesn't really matter regardless. Either way, they'd be treated the same." he reminded her, as she was absolutely insane if she thought that he'd treat a girl any different than a boy. That she wouldn't at least know some grease under her fingernails. Hearing her mention him being a great father, he had to simply hear her out. Not feeling like it somedays but regardless. "I think so too."

Sophia Navabi Her hand remained there at the back of his neck, the slightest bit of tension in her hand as she drew against him, attempting to bring him to her lips. "I think you and I need to spend the rest of today in bed, enjoying the alone time that we have for as long as we have it," she whispered suggestively as their days were numbered and they both had to know it at this point. July 24 was coming entirely too fast for her liking, at which point the two would likely be doing just what Judas' brother and sister in law had done the weekend before, looking for a babysitter for a couple of hours so they could get some time together uninterrupted. "Whataya say?"

J Edward Khrist Feeling her drawing against him as he heard her suggestion, he'd nod simply as it was one of those days where he probably shouldn't have gotten out of bed in the first place. "I say we should." presses his lips gently back to hers before he'd nod her own in that direction.

Sophia Navabi Meeting his lips at his agreement, she was still unaware of the situation, yet it was nothing uncommon for her to want him in the room, all to herself. Looking up at him to catch that gesture of his head, her hands slipped back from him in seek of the hold of his hand, leading him towards the bedroom a moment later.

J Edward Khrist Letting her lead him to the back room, humming low to himself as they got there. "I got an appointment with the stomach doctor coming up this week."

Sophia Navabi Coming into the room, she heard his statement, prompting her to turn her head up towards him immediately. "Is everything okay?" she asked, not sure if this was routine or something more, though a streak of fear raced through her without her own control or permission.

J Edward Khrist "Need to gain some weight." He reminded her as this was nothing new. Meeting her eyes as he'd walk to the edge of the bed.

Sophia Navabi Her hand remained in his as he walked to the edge of the bed, her eyes following him as she came along with. "How do you gain weight if you can't eat?" she asked, no need for sugar coating her question as she knew she could be herself with him, asking what she needed to along the way.

J Edward Khrist "That's half the problem...but new supplements. Something heavier. More often. New schedule. Something has to give." Sitting down, he shrugged slightly. "I'm 180 pounds and I'm 6 foot 7. At my happiest, I was 240."

Sophia Navabi As he took a seat, he was no longer towering over her, giving her the ability to slip between his knees. Releasing his hand from her hold, her arms were instantly around his neck as though they were magnetically drawn to him. Standing before him, she pressed her kiss to his forehead. "Let me come with you to the doctor?"

J Edward Khrist "And I have no confidence anymore. Not that I ever had a lot but I could at least read off of other people's perceptions of me. Now I just think everyone's fucking lying." He remarked as he felt her to his neck, hearing her question. "Yeah."

Sophia Navabi Hearing that the man wasn't happy and then furthermore that he held no confidence at all, it was a lot to take in as she just felt a sadness wash over her. When his hands didn't take to her as they usually did, she was left with further wonder. Bringing her hands to either side of his face, she lowered her forehead to meet his own, bringing herself eye to eye with the man. "When was the last time you were happy and somewhat confident?"

J Edward Khrist "I'm not saying I'm not happy." He clarified, assuring she didn't take that route with it. Feeling her at the sides of his face as he heard her question. Humming low as he considered it. "Probably before my accident...like two years ago." He specified, 'accident' used objectively.

Sophia Navabi Hearing him confirm that he wasn't necessarily unhappy, making sure she didn't take it that way, she took a seat against his thigh, her arms finding their way around his neck once more as she settled in to truly hear the man out. "What happened in the accident that changed everything?"

J Edward Khrist "I don't know. Think it just fucked up my system." He answered honestly, not even noting or computing that she couldn't know what had happened as he felt her slip onto his lap. Arms wrapping around her.

Sophia Navabi Feeling his arms draw around her, she settled against his chest as she lifted her legs to rest over his other thigh. "Was it a car accident?" she asked, her voice remaining soft and caring as she met his eyes, trying to understand and hoping to find a way to help him get back to happy and confident once again.

J Edward Khrist Hearing her question as he met her eyes, he shook his head quickly. Now realizing. "No, no." Settles a hand at her knee, rubbing gently. "I tried to kill myself. Almost managed too."

Sophia Navabi The reflection of the deepest sadness resonated through her hues at his confession. Feeling his hand there to her knee, she drew into the curve of his neck, her arms wrapping tightly around him as if she could put all of his pieces back together in an act so simple as that embrace. "Baby," she whispered, a name she didn't often use yet it was the most honest representation of how she felt for him in that moment, hearing that he nearly took his own life. Not sure what more to say, she'd simply hold him, closing her eyes tightly as she could not possibly imagine a world without him in it.

J Edward Khrist Hearing her whisper as she drew into him, heart breaking for her somehow. Comforting her as he rubbed her back. Hearing her whisper which he wasn't quite used to hearing. Not sure whether she wanted anymore detail than that.

Sophia Navabi Feeling his hand at her back, she was trying to comfort him as he tried to do the same for her. The two of them never falling into any norm as they did this their own way and nothing else would ever work for them. "Why?" she asked, her first question on the matter, though she wasn't sure how much he wanted to really talk about it, yet the floor was open if he wanted to.

J Edward Khrist "Because I was done. In pain constantly because nothing was under control. On the road. Touring for a year. Having no home. My girlfriend had just broken up with me once again because she can't multi-task an album and me consecutively and I had nothing. Nothing but heroin and for a long time, that was enough until all at once it wasn't. Not to mention by mom had stirred up some old shit from my past and I wasn't sleeping and the record company was up my ass for new material. I just wanted it to stop." He stressed as it was a loaded question with an equally loaded answer.

Sophia Navabi Hearing him explain to her all of the reasons why, she could easily see why he'd want to find a way out of it all as just hearing about it had her easily acknowledging that it was heavy and anyone would want to make it all stop. Still holding onto him, her arms around his neck as she sat against his lap, her face buried to his neck as her hand came up to the back of his neck, gently stroking the baseline of his hair. "For what it's worth, I'm really glad you weren't successful because I can't imagine my life without you." The words were spoken truthfully and easily as she couldn't fathom a world without him in it.

J Edward Khrist "And my mom took the whole 'brought you into the world, I'll take you out' shit to new meaning." He remarked, as she had been the one to bring him back to narrowly or at least get him that medical help though his brother would argue that she had caused it in the first place. Feeling her to his neck, he'd hum low. "Yeah, was more trouble than it was worth anyway."

Sophia Navabi Listening to him from the curve of his neck, her fingers continued to stroke against his hairline, not allowing herself to draw back for a single moment as the man would hopefully never have to feel those things again, not if she had anything to say about it. Pressing her lips to the curve of his neck, she remained there, drawing in his scent as she breathed through the feeling of undeniable sadness that radiated through her at the idea of him trying to kill himself. "That's bullshit," she whispered, a rare expletive from the woman marking her distaste for what his mother had done in the situation, even if she had yet to meet the woman. "You ever think about doing it now?" she asked, needing to know for herself, but also for the little one growing like a bean within her.

J Edward Khrist "Sometimes." He'd confess honestly as he felt her still to his neck. "Sometimes when you feel like such an epic fuck up. When everyone's life would be better off without you but...that's why I need an anchor so bad. Something that is dependent on me rather the other way around."

Sophia Navabi Hearing him explain what he needed, she drew back from the curve of his neck to meet his eyes. Bringing one hand to the side of his face, completely in tune to the man in that moment and appreciative that he could speak so openly with her about it. "I will be your anchor," she promised, knowing the baby would be the same, but promising him in that moment that she would be just as he knew her to be. "I need you," she whispered, her fingertips softly stroking the side of his face.

J Edward Khrist "There's always going to be someone out there better for you." He reminded her, but that baby? He'd always be his or her father. That. That was his anchor to the world. Hearing her mention hearing him, the woman deserved so much more than she got.

Sophia Navabi "No," she stated quickly as such a thing wasn't possible for her. She was well old enough to know what was out there and she'd sooner kill herself than to face that ever again. This man was good to her in every way possible and her love for him ran too deep to entertain anything outside of him. Leaning into him, she pressed her lips fully to his, letting her kiss convey every ounce of what she felt for him where words would fail her. He was the beginning and the end for her as no one outside of that room could ever mean more.

-February 3, 2017

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 7th April 2019 (Billie Eilish, Lil Nas X, Ariana Grande)

We actually have a pretty busy week to cover today, with five new arrivals, one of which is in the top five, another of which is a total meme that just hit #1 in the States. There’s also a tragedy less lighthearted we’ll have to talk about, but for now, let’s discuss the top 10, because there’s been somewhat of a shake up.

Top 10

That shake-up isn’t going to affect Lewis Capaldi still at the top of the charts for a sixth week, as “Someone You Loved” continues its reign. I hope it gets overthrown pretty quickly because the song is pretty painful on its own and it does not bear well with me after the overplay.

Our shake-up starts just at the runner-up spot, however, as from her worldwide #1 album, WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?, debuting at number-two is “bad guy”, her fourth UK Top 40 hit, second Top 10 and first ever top five. We’ll talk more about it later.

This means that Rag ‘n’ Bone Man and Calvin Harris’ “Giant” is down one space to number-three.

Tom Walker was hit with an identical loss, with “Just You and I” down to number-four...

...as was “Sucker” by Jonas Brothers, also down to number-five.

Thanks to the album, “bury a friend” by Billie Eilish had a large boost up 14 positions to number-six, which is a new peak after its debut at number-seven.

Speaking of number-seven, Dave’s “Location” featuring Burna Boy is down one spot this week.

Steel Banglez’s “Fashion Week” with AJ Tracey and Mo Stack doesn’t suffer nearly as much as I thought it would this week, just moving down one position to number-eight off the debut.

Ariana Grande, the only real competition for Billie Eilish within the top 10, seems to have been hit more than anything else here, as her song “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” has been pushed down four spots to number-nine.

Finally, we have “Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys rapidly moves up the charts, up a whopping 22 spaces this week to #10, becoming each artists’ first top 10. I don’t know why, but I’m not necessarily complaining, it’s a good song, I’m just kind of confused about its incredible boost in popularity this week, maybe a commercial placement. That seems to help a lot of these EDM tracks from relative nobodies rack up chart points.

Climbers

There are literally no climbers outside of the two already discussed in the top 10.

Fallers

On the other hand... sigh, let’s sort this by genre as I try to do whenever we have a massive amount of losses.

In pop and dance, “Walk Me Home” by P!nk was walked down five hills to its home at #14, “Don’t Feel Like Crying” by Sigrid is also down five to #18, as is “Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel at #21, while “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani is down six to #27. Ariana Grande’s “7 rings” also continues its fall down nine to #38.

In hip-hop and R&B, NSG and Tion Wayne’s “Options” is down seven to #17, “Wow.” by Post Malone exits the top 20 finally, down five to #22, “Disaster” by Dave featuring J Hus loses album release steam down eight to #23 (as does “Streatham”, also by Dave, down 11 to #33), “Keisha & Becky” by Russ splash and Tion Wayne is down six to #25 off the debut and “Please Me” by Bruno Mars and Cardi B is down seven to #32.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

“Nights Like This” by Kehlani featuring Ty Dolla $ign is out from #33, “Kitchen Kings” by D-Block Europe is out from #34, “Think About Us” by Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign is out from #35, “MIDDLE CHILD” by J. Cole is out from #36 due to cuts to its streams’ importance on its chart placement, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee is out from #37 and “How it Is” by Roddy Ricch, Chip and Yxng Bane featuring the Plug is out from #40. Good riddance.

Also, Billie Eilish’s “wish you were gay” returned to #13, reaching the top 20 at a new peak. Since this is the lowest Eilish song on the chart and it was released prior, that means there is no album bomb from Eilish; this, “bury a friend” and “bad guy” are the highest-performing songs and that’s all the UK chart allows.

IN MEMORIAM

On March 31st, 2019, a man named Ermias Joseph Asghedom was shot six times in the parking lot of his own clothing store, once in the head. Approximately 30 minutes after he was transported to the hospital, he was pronounced dead. That man was Grammy-nominated rapper Nipsey Hussle, murdered fresh off of the release of both his single “Racks in the Middle” with Roddy Ricch and Hit-Boy as well as his album, Victory Lap, which had failed to grab the Best Rap Album Grammy Award the month prior, having his life at the peak of his career cut short unjustly by gang violence which he had since made incredible efforts to put in the past and distance himself from, making positive and charitable contributions to his hometown ever since, to the point where the Crenshaw and Slauson intersection has been named Nipsey Hussle Square in his honour. His memorial service has been held today, April 11th, and he’s since been buried, at only 33 years old, leaving two children from a long-term relationship with Lauren London behind to carry his legacy. While I was not amazed with Victory Lap, I thought I’d discuss one of my favourite tracks from his last ever record released in his lifetime.

“Dedication” – Nipsey Hussle featuring Kendrick Lamar

Produced by Mike & Keys, Rance and MyGuyMars – Peaked at #93 in the US

First off, this oily beat is pretty beautiful, with reversed and manipulated soulful vocal samples backing some really slick keys and piano loops, giving off a great West Coast vibe that was Nipsey’s signature style. Nipsey’s first verse is an intense way of introducing the listener to the subject matter, with an intricate depiction of Nipsey’s life as a youth trapped in the ghetto, with a nice beat switch-up in the last few bars. The short chorus is barely a hook, but Nipsey gives a surprisingly great singing performance on the track, and it has a drop of sorts where Alexandria Dopson and Garren Edwards show off some vocal power in the midst of Nipsey’s frustrated grunt-screams, which I like to think are representative of how he felt when he thought he could never make it out of the streets, but the chorus is about how he finally broke himself free of its chains – dedication, hard work plus patience, invoking imagery of the abolishment of slavery used as wordplay throughout Nipsey’s third verse. Kendrick’s great albeit oddly-mixed verse references his come-up as well, but also the death of his grandmother how when he was suggested to make a song with Nipsey Hussle because of how they were both Crips, he responded by emphasising how he’s not just a gang member, but a man too, and after his death and some of the negative comments I have seen about Nipsey mentioning his past, is a stronger message than ever. The best part of the track is when Kendrick’s verse is interrupted by some 808 stabs, and the instrumental transforms into a semi-chopped and screwed shell of what it was, with echoing vocals from Dopson fading out before Kenny comes and sings in a janky flow that is trippy yet also pretty elegant and makes sense considering how it transitions from Nipsey and Kendrick talking about their history in gangs and Nipsey’s final verse about how satisfied he is with how his music, or what he says are is spirituals, have brought him into fame and luxurious life after about 30 years of barely making it by. I love the line where he references not only his friend YG’s album but the popular local saying, “Stay dangerous”, as he was educated by the hood into believing that he had to be feared to be safe, as well as his bars about how him owning his own masters is his way of abolishing what had shackled him as a teenager and as a young adult. The song ends with another repetition of the anthemic hook as a book-end, as we are treated to a relaxed instrumental featuring piano melodies layered on top of each other and Nipsey laughing in joy as he’s finally “Made it out”, with sound effects of dogs barking and general civilian life surrounding the melodic finish to a fantastic song.

This the remedy, the separation / 2Pac of my generation, blue pill in the f***in’ Matrix / Red rose in the grey pavement / Young black n***a trapped and he can’t change it

RIP Nipsey Hussle, August 15th 1985 – March 31st, 2019.

Now, on a lighter note...

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “MONOPOLY” – Ariana Grande and Victoria Monét

Produced by Social House and Tim Suby – Peaked at #6 in New Zealand and #70 in the US

Why Ariana Grande seemed it fit to release this song as a non-album single on Monday, I’ll never know, but I’m not going to blag on about that as Grande released this single and its amateurish video as seemingly a joke, right? It was on April Fools, and was coined “a treat for the fans”, with a video that had a budget of less than $10, as well as being both sonically and visually meme-heavy, so I don’t think it should be taken any seriously and rather just as a fun celebration of Grande’s success, featuring rap verses from her lead songwriter and best friend for some reason. It’s Grande’s 20th Top 40 hit over here and Victoria Monét’s first ever credited appearance on the Top 40, and you can tell their level of success by just their performances on this song, as Grande gets to show off the vocal prowess and is provided with both the intro and outro as well as all the multi-layering, while Monét’s expressions of her personality are relegated to the singular actual rap verse (Which she still shares with Grande) and Auto-Tuned ad-libs that are literally just sped-up sentences, as well as a messy Nutty Professor reference. The beat is pretty lightweight, with a couple vocal samples and cloudy synths hidden behind a trap skitter, but it’s fitting to back the nonsensical lyrics here, all of which only work because of the charisma the girls ooze from their vocals, despite the imbalanced vocal production. And, yeah, the lyrics here are awful, as expected. First of all, the refrain/pre-chorus rhymes “Where you been?” with itself three times, barely fitting the lyrics into the meter by scrambling the word “GPS” into a Twista-like chopper flow for like a second until going back to the droning, saccharine delivery. Let’s look at some highlights.

Bad vibes, get off of me / Outta here with that f***ery

Sorry, I just love the visual in the music video of Monét and Grande literally swatting away the “F***ery”, it’s pretty cute.

I swerve both ways, dichotomy / I like women and men

This painful, forced reference to Monét’s bisexuality is so blunt and to the point that when Grande says it, it’s hilarious. Imagine coming out in a loosie trap single that barely counts as a song and not an interlude. I do kind of like how straightforward the line is, to be honest, it’s almost anthemic... maybe I’m thinking too much into this.

Then we hit the bank, making dumb investments, for the win

“For the win”? I didn’t expect a song saying, “For the win” to make the Top 40 ever, but, sure, let’s roll with it. What does Ari say?

And if they try come stopping me, I’ll show them my discography (Yeah, yeah)

Okay, that’s kinda clever—

Even though we gave up that 90%, for the win, go!

Nevermind, they said, “For the win”, again.

This been buildin’ up, I guess this friendship like Home Depot

Yeah, nope. Next song.

#39 – “Old Town Road” – Lil Nas X

Produced by YoungKio, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross – Peaked at #1 in the US

Oh, great, another meme song. Well, at least I can say this – where were you when a country-trap fusion from a former Twitter comedian turned rapper that samples a Nine Inch Nails guitar loop and was later remixed by Billy Ray Friggin’ Cyrus became the most popular song in the entirety of Northern America thanks to TikTok memes and a racism scandal? The whole situation is so loony to me, but I respect Lil Nas X and YoungKio for being so relaxed and chill about the whole fiasco, especially when it started getting bigger and bigger, becoming the shortest number-one song in America since 1963, with a runtime of only one minute and 54 seconds, disregarding the remix of course. Is it a country song? I mean, obviously, it’s a country rap song, nobody’s arguing that, and that’s got country in its name so yeah, in my opinion, if Nelly and Tim McGraw count when they released what was essentially an R&B song, this counts, even if it’s essentially just a trap song about horses. It actually paints a pretty interesting lone cowboy story inspired by Red Dead Redemption 2 but, who cares? It’s a meme, alright, and for now it’s pretty funny. It’s got a really catchy hook/intro, with an effective refrain as well as verses that much like “MONOPOLY”, were probably written in less than five minutes but they work, and that’s all that really matters. I like how his voice sounds in the muffled outro, but really, there’s not much to it. It’s a fun beat with a great sample that Billy Ray Cyrus takes advantage of entirely and bodies. His flow is stiff but so is the stunted beat so it fits together quite nicely, and the additional choruses add some needed meat to the track, as does the banjo and the whistling at the tail-end of the outro... but we’re not judging the remix just yet, and on its own merits, “Old Town Road” is nothing all too special.

#26 – “Better Man” – Westlife

Produced by Steve Mac – Peaked at #2 in Scotland

Westlife released a second single in 2019, after their last single three months back debuted in the Top 20 and did insanely well in radio and sales... in 2019. This new single, produced by Steve Mac, has an orchestral version, and is set to be on their new album Spectrum which was announced to be released on 6th September, 2019. This new single is their second to reach the Top 40 in 2019. It nearly peaked at the top spot in Scotland, in 2019, and has had success all over Britain in the week of release, which may I add, was in March 2019. I refuse to believe Westlife will have a resurgence in 2019, and although I mostly believe that charts are ran by impressionable teenagers, this proves that Mom-pop is safe in the midst of the new British trap-rappers who talk about murder and drug trafficking, and of course Gothic art pop starlets that aren’t even old enough to drink yet... and I’m not here for it. No, the orchestral version is not better, get this manufactured waste of time off the charts.

#19 – “Your Mrs” – JAY1

Produced by Coolie

So, just as I was actually starting to lighten up on British trap-rap – seriously, Tion Wayne’s stuff, especially “Options”, has been growing on me immensely and I loved Dave’s debut studio album – this  comes out and debuts in the top 20, and it’s bloody awful. It’s literally one piano chord. It’s literally ONE. FREAKING. PIANO CHORD. Through the whole song. There’s a trap skitter as well after the beat doesn’t transition to the drop after its intro and instead just fades out with a cheap pitch-shift effect, until we get to a developed version of the beat, and by that I mean it has two annoying high-pitched beep sounds and a bass that clips through the mix thanks to the vocals that are louder than everything else. For the most part it feels like it’s just JAY1 rapping over a hi-hat, and to be fair, that’s what most of it is. It’s not menacing, of course, because even if it was, literally in the first bar of the song, he’s joking. He won’t actually be luxurious enough to take your missus, as he says, and would rather just let the women watch him, I guess. He’s not interesting, and although there switch-ups to the instrumental that help make it more interesting, the more stretched-out flows he uses are absolutely painful. The subject matter is nonexistent, apparently he has an Australian side chick and NAV helps transport his cocaine. Oh, but do you hear that? There’s a flute... no, seriously, can you hear it? Because I can’t, really, I mean it’s just a pathetic loop probably stolen from some Creative Commons musician that somehow ended up in an official release, and it doesn’t last long. It comes back in the third chorus, where he’s multi-tracked with a pitched-down vocal and this would actually be menacing if he wasn’t just talking about how his girl has a big butt. If that voice was whispering about cold-blooded murder, then this song would be awesome... but it’s not. It’s weak flexing and bragging with a nonexistent beat from an incredibly uninteresting dude who doesn’t know to mix his bass properly. I hope to see this gone quickly, because this is dreadful.

#2 – “bad guy” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS – Peaked at #1 in Australia, Canada, Czech Republic, New Zealand, Norway and Slovakia, and #7 in the US

This is the big #2 debut, the one I’m supposed to care about most, but mostly I’m just feeling lukewarm on both the big single and Eilish’s album as a whole, which felt structure-less and lacking of much substance as she gets wrapped in her own metaphors. This new song has got a vivid, shocking and quirky video, but Dave Meyers stole it from an indie magazine called Toilet Paper’s photo shoot so I suppose that has helped this song increase in popularity – nothing like some good controversy. The dark, bass-heavy and reverb-drowned groove here is actually really nice, and I love Billie’s vocal melody, especially when it’s multi-tracked with the fake finger-snaps in the background that are incredibly flat, and that bassline when it hits in the chorus is insane. The lyrics are kind of funny if anything, as Eilish references her melodramatic, emo image as she claims herself to be a “make-your-momma-sad, might-seduce-your-dad type”, priding herself in the cynical bad guy personality among pop music’s cutesy stylings we’ve been accustomed to. The eerie flute-like synth melody is pretty creepy and I love how it takes itself way too seriously despite the lyrics that are basically just Eilish being an edgy teenager, even with a post-chorus where she says, “Duh”, in a deadbeat manner followed by high-pitched gliding chopped-up vocal samples, and it’s all good, right? But then there’s a beat switch that just doesn’t freaking work. The pause from the original beat lasts way too long, so the transition feels incredibly forced, and the trap breakdown/drop means the song loses all momentum, especially with that annoying bird chirping sound that starts it off. There’s no real transition here, so Eilish’s offbeat delivery isn’t interesting and endearing, just kind of janky, with the whispering not being creepy but forced and tryhard. Without the drop, this’d be pretty cool though.

Conclusion

Wow, what a mixed week. Sadly, I can’t give Best of the Week to “Dedication”, so it goes to Lil Nas X for “Old Town Road” because it’s probably the most fun song here, with Ariana Grande and Victoria Monét snatching Honourable Mention for the so-bad-it’s-good mess, “MONOPOLY”. Worst of the Week should be obvious as it goes to JAY1 for “Your Mrs”, but Dishonourable Mention is harder, so I’ll give it to Westlife for the sake of tradition. See you next week!