#they look so incredible good recently
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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tagged by the gorgeous and fabulous @cordiallyfuturedwight and @aprylynn for february's roundup:
tagging the usual music favs: @jiminsproof @thvinyl @jimin-gaon @visionsofgideontheninth @spicyclematis @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @monismochi plus @kimtaegis for the amy macdonald of it all 💜 and also you, dear reader. MWAH
#heads up! here comes the director's commentary:#16 Carriages - now listen. i love texas hold 'em as much as the next daddy lessons supremacist#but holy shit. it doesn't hold so much as a candle to this track.#just unbelievably stunning. i'm begging you to give it another chance if you skipped over it the first time#Don't Forget Me - me and kayla and apryl all having ms rogers in this month's list... i think we might be better than everyone else actuall#End Of Beginning - good GOD we couldn't gatekeep djo any longer but it's worth it if only for all the bear tiktok edits.#and thus i have fallen for this track all over again. yes CHEF#Showtime - now if you've known me long enough you'll know i'm an absolute sucker for british indie rock bands#especially if their frontman looks like they might not make it through another winter#so you can imagine catfish has had an inexplicable hold on me. anyway their comeback single is actually pretty good#This Is The Life - fantastic tune. 2007 if you can believe it?#what a time to be alive and at the school disco and you're singing the songs and thinking this is the life and so on and so forth#Loving You Will Be The Death Of Me - tom odell can do no wrong in my eyes (ears?) anyway. lovely lovely new album#Never Need Me - been loving rachel for a while now and this single is brilliant. highly recommended.#plus the video features florence pugh and if that doesn't sweeten the deal then christ i don't know what will#Baby Now That I've Found You - i didn't even realise this was a cover of the foundations until hearing it again recently#because alison krauss just has an incredible way of making them her own and thus it's been on repeat.#Deeper Well - okay so now i'm seeing the country thread through this month's picks.#this is another lovely new one. hearing it on the radio and the fact that they have to censor “i used to wake and bake” is hilarious to me#shoutout kayla again because great minds..#Stay For Something - CMAT is phenomenal and if you haven't listened to her yet i can't recommend her entire discography enough.#she had her arsecrack out at the brits last night and well. i would die for her#(speaking of the brits. raye... i literally cried for her. go find the recording of her live at the royal albert hall.#-watch it twice and then come back and thank me)#artists-wise - most of these guys are consistently up there.#katie melua is a new feature this time because all my amy macdonald-ing put me back onto nine million bicycles.#used to get that one mixed up with 99 luftballoons but they're really very different. i'm a fool#so tl;dr: fantastic tunes. do listen#tag#receiptify
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The Aftermath (1982)
"What happens when you die?"
"I don't know, son. No one does."
"It's sad to die."
"No. Death isn't sad. We all have to die. What's sad is having to go on without someone you love. Just as we have to go on now."
#the aftermath#1982#video nasty#horror imagery#steve barkett#stanley livingston#post apocalyptic film#horror film#american cinema#lynne margulies#sid haig#christopher barkett#alfie martin#forrest j. ackerman#jim danforth#linda stiegler#laura anne barkett#larry latham#carole scott#nelson ackerman#john w. morgan#incredibly dumb passion project from writer‚ director and star Barkett; he spent years getting this made‚ burning through investors and#deals whilst trying to maintain the integrity of his vision (his silly‚ silly vision). to be clear‚ this is a lot of fun to watch but not#all of that fun is intentional; the back third of this movie contains a shootout so absurdly long‚ so gratuitously violent (and with a#preposterous location change from the desert to some ruined city skyscraper tops) that it beggars belief. likewise Barkett's self insertion#as the Ultimate Action Man Hero who by the end of the film comes to resemble more of a post apocalyptic christlike figure of spiritual#salvation. it's a dumb film is what I'm saying‚ but Sid Haig is there and it all looks unreasonably good and the matte paintings are weirdl#excellent (and the fx are solid too‚ model spaceships aside). ridiculous stuff but made with clear love and self belief#in such a way that it can only end up being endearing. a pleasant surprise in my deep dive into the more obscure nasties#it's been a rough ride recently but a few more brain numbing entries like this and I'll be back on board
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"Well, whatever he did, I'm glad you're here."
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine "Empok Nor"
#my star trek (re)watch#deep space nine empok nor#star trek ds9#elim garak#miles o'brien#i'd heard good things about this episode so i'm sad i mostly found it disappointing and formulaic. did really enjoy the ending with o'brien#being all 'look. my coworkers going a little nuts and trying to kill me is a normal day on the enterprise. don't worry about it shit happen#recent events have no impact on the fact that i find you incredibly annoying'
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i love choi yeonjun so much
#recently ive been thinking about him more than usual. hes like my biggest role model and my biggest inspiration#hes just. hes everything#DO YOU GET ME#i love his confidence that never wavers. even when he was still working on his dream he truly believed he could achieve it#he loves himself and knows his worth and i wish i could reach that level of confidence one day#and even if he's so confident. he's also an extremely grateful and humble person !!#he never takes things for granted and he's really down to earth too#he just has the perfect balance of confidence and humility that i wish i could find too#and !!! i love his mindset so much. he values growth and constant improvement#and he (and well all of txt) helped me value hard work because dude the passion that they have for what they do is so inspiring#and his motto being 'be the only one not the best one'. that just shows everything#he's just so incredibly inspiring i don't know how he's real#all the trainees and idols looking up to him are so real for that because how could anyone know of him and not just be awestruck#his mom nicknamed him 'healing' and that's so true. he really is healing#i have no idea how hes real. i don't even plan on becoming an idol ever but hes just my role model too#he just has the purest heart and such a good mindset and through him i learned i want to be like that too#HE IS MY ROLE MODEL. DO YOU GET IT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCHM DO YOU GET IT.#ok i just had to vent that out i love choi yeonjun so much <3
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hrt is so awesome. like i've enjoyed my face and sometimes my body before but testosterone makes me feel like the sexiest boy alive
#BODY HAIR IS SO COOL. MUSCLE DEFINITION IS SO COOL. LOWER VOICE IS SO COOL.#and i don't know if it's a fat redistribution thing so i can't accredit it Entirely to testosterone. however#finally got boxer briefs that fit me recently and my GOD.#first off awesome underwear design so nice sensorily. everything should fit my body perfectly with a teeny bit of compression.#second off my thighs look so fucking good in them#if you guys see me posting pictures in my underwear sometime. no you don't but also yeah you do y'know haha#i have always known in my heart that i am a boy who would do thirst traps but GOD. the appeal of thighs and hair on my stomach#head in my hands. incredible.#sorry to merc and miffy who will definitely be receiving images of me when the dam finally breaks in my head#however. they are the no. 1 enjoyers of bracken testosterone changes and i love when merc says he wants to eat me alive#valentine notes#t#testosterone
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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you know a bad movie's good when you feel like seeing it again
#i should clarify its still bad. but at the same time so bad its good. while still being bad. and yet good!#i gotta move the huge fucken rar file of it thats taking up space on my phone to my laptop and then like. convert it to a watchable file#i forgot to post abt this too but the custom shirt i made for it arrived recently and it delighted me to no end#the front graphic should have been moved up a little more but i couldnt be assed to return it adjust it and get it sent again#it still looks good. will maybe even look better after a wash and being shrunk a little in the dryer#i am quite probably the only fan of this stupid movie. but thats ok#if youre also interested in an incredibly cheesy but sometimes genuinely good 70s horror movie check out welcome to arrow beach
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TLDR for my rant: it’s perfectly okay to admit you are bad at something, say something YOU made looks bad, and/or talk about the ways something you made didn’t live up to your expectations as long as someone does not internalize the message that because they are bad at something or did something bad doesn’t mean that they themselves are a bad person.
Desperately trying to explain to my therapist the difference between ‘I’m a terrible artists’ (self-derogatory and self-defeating) and ‘I’m a terrible artists (I fully acknowledge that I could be better at this skill given time and effort and that all art has value to someone. However. I am specifically choosing not to hone this skill due to a number of reasons and will never consider myself an ‘artist’. Thus, my art will never get better and I am okay with this)
And how I fall solidly into the latter category and how frustrating it is that it’s never seen that way. I say ‘I’m not an artist lol’ or ‘look at my terrible little drawing!” <-worst drawing you’ve ever seen but that’s okay. It’s always, always met by ‘don’t say that! Everybody is an artist!’ And ‘don’t talk bad about yourself and the things you create :(‘ like.
NO!
Some people do desperately need to hear and internalize those messages but I’m not one of them! My art is terrible! That’s the point! I’m never going to be good at it because I’ll never care to but damn if I’m not having the greatest time ever creating terrible art!
I don’t love the online implication (and real world implication when I tried to take art classes) that being okay with the fact I am bad at something is…a bad thing. A simple fact of life is that everyone is bad at something and it’s okay to both admit and be okay with that fact.
Tangentially related but it’s also okay to admit that when you are new at a skill…you’re probably gonna be bad at it. Like. Someone who’s still learning is gonna have some terrible first efforts and that’s the point. It gives you a growth point.
Example: I made a bag. I decided to add a zipper. It did not go as planned and the end result is in fact rather terrible. Simply a fact. However! I put a zipper! In a bag!! And maybe it does look horrible but that is something I’ve never done before and I did it all by myself and I can simultaneously admit it looks awful but be proud of the fact that I figured it out.
Like art I could be content with the success of finishing the project, but I can also use this as a launching point to get better. What I choose to do is up to me and I don’t appreciate people trying to tell me that I’m not allowed to call an objectively terrible finished project as such.
You cannot and will not ever get better at a skill if you are unwilling to accept that you will be bad at it. It makes that learning that acceptance all the harder when people are taught that they shouldn’t ever say bad things about what they make.
Rather than teaching the message ‘nothing anyone makes could possibly be bad in any way (skill wise)’ we would promote acceptance of ‘this is bad and that’s okay’
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk about ‘not every negative self-comment about something someone is self-deprecating’
#robin’s twittering#mini rant#listen people may not agree with me but#my therapist made a good point that it’s incredibly invalidating#when I say I’m not an artist and people can’t accept that because it’s ’self-depreciating’#I’ve thought about this a lot but most recently it came up with crochet#I teach people and the very first thing I always say is ‘no matter what you first project is it’s going to look terrible’#and someone took issue with that#but I think going into a new skill#with the understanding that it’s not going to be perfect and not to let that get you down#is so much healthier#it reduces frustration and promotes a better understanding of learning what went wrong so it can be corrected#also see: constructive criticism. super frustrating when you as for criticism and only hear ‘this is great’#less than useless. you cannot improve with a mindset of everything is always perfect exactly as it is
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I loaf technology
#context: I've been learning japanese for the past. um#*checks date* 2 months or so.. well. there was also one time I started studying then gave up in 1-2 months but I'm not counting that#and it's been coming along but by far my biggest weakness is my lack of vocabulary#I don't find the grammar super difficult but since I only know 800-900 words#(for comparison the average native speaker knows about 20k words)#most of the time that I read/listen to something and don't understand shit it's bc there's too many words that I don't know#I learn 20 new words a day thru flashcards + occasionally pick up some words here and there subconsciously just from watching stuff in jp#(that's also how/why I started watching inazuma eleven recently. and now I know too many fucking soccer terms in japanese)#but still I'm an impatient boy so I was like ok. what if I try to read stuff to pick up more vocabulary#usually this would be near impossible (or rather incredibly tedious) because I don't know enough words to really read anything#and I'd spend forever just looking up every single word that I don't know right#well thanks to the power of technology and a good pop-up dictionary extension I don't have to worry about that#and today I managed to install the extension on my phone too (I didn't know it was possible or else I would've done it sooner)#so now I can read. japanese inazuma eleven fanfic from my phone. lol#it'll still be pretty annoying of course since I'll have to look up MOST words anyway#but at least the process will have been simplified by a lot#anyway. that's why I loaf technology#lucasings
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What are your favourite youtubes to eat food to?
i can't say i really have a favourite honestly, it's kind of luck based. i'll usually try to watch streams while i eat food, but if ive run out of the ones i'm interested in watching, it's likely im eating to a much shorter video.
#ask#anon#i tend to watch rtvs vods or rtvs adjacent vod channels. been watching videochess's star fox adventure streams recently for example#before that i was watching their stream of eggs of steel. since that game kind of stuck with me after scorpy streamed it once in the past#i gotta get back to watching facefullabugs' mother 3 stream since they got back into that recently#as for like. non-stream related content#i watch simpleflips stuff when he uploads stuff#urban rescue ranch i watch a lot of. though i try not to watch his stuff while eating food.#same kinda goes for haha ha's videos sometimes. if theyre building stuff for their cats then its a good watch#if they upload a video of them catching and cooking fish for their cats. i try to watch those later#since they tend to show themself preparing the fish in the video. which isnt great to watch while eating.#but otherwise i just like watching their cats#im not subscribed to any but theres a few tf2 channels that upload clip compilations from 2fort and doublecross and the likes#zeyo is the one ik by name. another has a cat icon. the other only has two videos uploaded on their channel so far.#i just kinda watch them when they appear in my reccomendeds#eager to see quintonreviews last part of his icarly+ videos. his stuffs always incredibly fun to watch#but ive also been rewatching waynes sonic adventurequest streams from the beginning so i have some audio while i work#but also im looking for a song he played on stream and i dont remember where it played amongst the 10 streams#uhhh ive been waiting to see billiams third Lost series episode. because of him i watched through the rest of Lost.#i remember my family watching that show when i was a kid. its pretty fun near the beginning but. near the end man. ough.#also if youre wondering why i replied with the channels in the tags. its cause i knew id be talking a lot#and i dont know if i can add a Keep Reading on a post with the version of the tumblr app from last year.#anyway i hope. all of that suffices as an answer for you anon#thank you for the ask!!!!
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Song of the Day: May 14
"Diamond on a Landmine” by Billy Talent
#song of the day#buckle up babes this one's a nice showcase of how my brain retains memories which is to say it's a long path to a close destination#in early 2011 when Leverage's season three had recently wrapped#one of my friends was writing a character study piece for Eliot with a partial focus on his toxic relationship with Damien Moreau#and they made a writing playlist for the fic that included this song#(and also 'Laughing with a Mouth of Blood' by St Vincent. absolutely killer song)#and I like the song but for whatever reason I never looked up anything else by Billy Talent#(I was at the time not spending so much time looking up new music but more just letting it come to me#in 2017 St Vincent came out with 'Los Ageless' and I was like oh I know her!! and I started paying attention to her albums#which is good because then in 2021 she released the Daddy's Home album which has 'Pay Your Way in Pain' /and/ 'The Melting of the Sun'#which are absolutely incredible tracks and my life would've been less without them)#and then today I saw a Call of Duty post with lyrics from Billy Talent's 'Afraid of Heights'#and I didn't recognize the lyrics so I went and pulled up the song as how I do#and as it played I was like. do I know this? no. I know something like this. what is it?#and at first I was convinced I'd just been listening to it but then why couldn't I place it? and then I realized I hadn't heard it recently#but I had been /thinking/ about something /related/ to it--which I had been. sort of. there's a Damien Moreau post queued for tomorrow--#and then in Afraid of Heights the chorus was wrapping up#'you're the only one I'd follow til the end of time / if we fall we fall together baby don't think twice again'#and something clicked and I dragged 'Diamond on a Landmine' up out of the depths of my various-artists folder#it's a great song got an excellent build to it#'alone at last / I can't wait til we're alone at last / all I wanted was a second chance / a second chance / to hold you in my arms at last#and the visual of 'better watch your step / she's a diamond on a landmine' is fantastic#anyway! I made giant scotch eggs with my family's spicy sausage ball mix instead of the normal breading and they're amazing#a good day#two weeks into May already can you imagine
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What up I'm married to a tall person who is basically Milo Thatch but agender, and uhhh, basically, yeah, everyone should be jealous and I LOVE MY CUTE TWINK NERD WIFE!!!!! 😤😤🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤👌👌
#original#i love my wife#had a big crush on that character growing up#you know who else is really into her? EVERY OTHER CHUBBY TRANS GUY IN CHICAGO apparently we just see her and are like OH HELL YEAH#do you know why this is? it is because we have excellent taste that is why.#and also we want non threatening masc people to be into us and respect our gender! that's me anyway#and this is excellent news for her anyway bc we're in an open relationship & she thinks guys like me (her HUSBAND 🥰😁) are incredibly hot#this is also bc she has excellent taste.#but it is a running joke that she keeps getting nice OKC matches that look a lot like me 😂#anyway this post is a thing that would have made young me BOIL with envy if someone else said it but in fact it is ME#and young me grew into me and is in here like AAWWWWWWW YYYEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH 🤘🤘🤘🤘🚀🚀🚀#she doesn't just look like Milo she also moves and emotes and talks like him. and until recently her glasses would not stay on her face!#she got new ones. nerd. i adore her.#she is so kind to Jack (me) and to my giant anxious pitbull child#she puts his blankie on him as he rests on her toes to make sure she doesn't go anywhere 😭😭❤#she is my best friend and she never makes me feel stupid or fake or undeserving. she just likes me so much and she fkn acts like it!#and we have good boundaries and communication in a very autistic way [positive] and she is so smart and funnyyy#oh i am falling asleep now#probably has something to do with how thinking about my wife makes me feel safe and warm or some gay shit like that 🙄 ;)#edit: omg it just occurred to me that she is like 80% Mill and 20% Jessica Jones. just in terms of like. vibes. XD#she cares a lot about Jessica Jones. I will tell her my findings in the morrow#*80% Milo
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Fuck you Young Royals for forcing me to go through this painful process while patient notes keep piling.
I hate you. Except I don’t. ❤️🩹
#this explains why i ‘never had a favorite show’#didn’t know my own taste (pun intended) so i pretended to like things i didn’t actually like#this show is a good one#it has helped me tremendously.#and this process has helped me tremendously in the journey to finding inner peace ❤️🩹#and it helps me get rid of absolutist thinking. which is harmful for the surgeon per their role in society.#i recognize that i do not have to like every single character in a show for it to be my favorite show#i just have to like the main couple#also a shoutout FU to omar (affectionate)#i love you king ❤️🩹#(like fuck you to simon’s sister for real.#it makes me incredibly uncomfortable that she only felt the need to sincerely apologize to simon#after she had felt slighted by her loved one.#oh and her autism and adhd isn’t a fucking excuse#my co-resident is one of the kindest men i’ve ever met and he just recently discovered he had ADHD.#he’s dealing with that while in residency to provide for his family.#just because life is difficult he keeps going.#and look at Simon!!!#same mother and father and upbringing.#and i don’t even need to get into wille’s own selflessness.#nah for real. FUCK. HER.)#thank you for coming to my Ted talk.#you can see yourself out. 🎤#young royals#wilmon
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I feel like at least several times a month, I have a random insane revitalization of my love for The Smiths. Not that I ever stop loving them, but I'll listen to some song and then suddenly fall into this pit of just deep, intense love for their music again where I can't stop listening to their music on repeat and watching live performances and looking at pics like AAAAAHHHHHH WHY IS THEIR MUSIC SO GOOOD?????? WHY IS IT PERFECT?????? WHY WERE THEY SO GENDER???????
(songs I am feeling intense brainrot over rn in case you're curious: "I Want The One I Can't Have(live)", "Stretch Out and Wait(live)", "You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby", "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others(demo)", "What She Said", "The Boy With The Thorn in His Side(live)"(p.s. I Want The One I Can't Have is Martian-coded to me, pls listen)(also it reminds me of that movie I watched yesterday)
#i want the one i cant have is playing on repeat in my brain rn and i watched a live performance and i was tearing up. why am i like this#the live versions of their songs are just incredibly good like at an insane level to me#i know the guitar is very complicated bcs my brother is equally obsessed w the smiths and rants to me abt how hard their music is to play#so the fact that their live performances are equal if not better than their studio versions is crazy#and i love the way he sings in live versions AAAAHHHH like just so over the top and dramatic#i absolutely love singing along to music and their songs are perfect bcs i can be as dramatic and loud as i want#and that hes singing perfectly and dramatizing it so much also while dancing along to it on stage??????#their music has an energy to it in every single aspect that no other band will ever be able to reach for me#i spent so much of today just dancing along to their music and singing over the top. i just felt so joyful 🥹🥹🥹🥹#GAAAHHHH sorry i just am really in it rn hahaha#its just crazy to me ig that ive listened to these songs so many times and they still fill me with such emotion#my mom sings and dance along w me tho shes like 'wow youre so energetic today did you hit your head or smth' 😭😭😭#also was losing my mind looking at their pictures today and gahhhhhhhhb such gender envy their gender is unmatched to me#but its so funny every time i get gender envy over smiths era morrissey +#because theres some pics of my dad from that same period of time when he was younger where he literally looks exactly like morrissey#SIR WHY DID I NOT INHERIT YOUR LEVEL OF GENDER???????(my dad was a icon sjdkkd we look alike tbh)#anyways: i feel very joyful and energetic about their music. they just make me so happy and i want to dance around again 🥹#i think this recent lapse into the pit was bcs i listened to the demos/live versions on The Queen is Dead deluxe edition#and im like ....how the fuck are they this fucking good??????#hehehe tho my passion has affected others 🤭#my brother is learning some songs on guitar atm and waxes poetic abt their instrumentals#my dad always listens to their entire discography when he needs background music. and my mom sings and dances w me#sorry this is unhinged i just feel a lot of serotonin bcs their music and i need to infect other people LMAO#maybe i need to make another web weave#catie.rambling.txt
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Putting my journal down realizing maybe I shouldn't make a written plan to socialize more efficiently
#.txt#Is efficiently the right word. Diary entry incoming.#Going back and forth in recent days with feeling okay with one sided social stimulation and that's just kind of how my brain works#And recognizing I will not look like a well rounded person because I'm not able to maintain other people's interest in an acquaintanceship#It is likely. At least some part due to like labor isolation and all I do is work I do not have life events to interest people#All I can talk about is video games but incredibly limits the social pool because I like bad games.#And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot!#Today in particular is probably just a bad day.#And I have been very focused on life plans for the past week or so which has become very daunting#Planning on starting a business this year. Which is probably why I'm stressing about being able to reach people.#As it will become financially relevant and not just a personal failing I have accepted.#Reasonably it is probably a therapy thing to address being so afraid of other people. But I do not want to go to therapyyyy I'll do it.#Myself.#Normally.#Not dipping into woe is me I have no one territory at least as bad as I did when I was younger. Recognizing a pattern that I am enacting.#My responsibility to improve. Yada yada. I just wish it was a bit easier to feel my like. Presence.#And the constant improvement mindset straying into never good enough is very difficult to avoid.#And it's not a matter of being a good enough person to have close relationships. But I think its easiest to ascribe personal failure#When you are unable to do something. Well the most likely culprit is probably never leaving the house and being undiagnosed.#Which I can arguably do things about.#Also I'm tired. But I'm going to work on my resume tonight anyway and hope tummy pain passes and maybe talking to people will be easier#Another day.
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