#they love to point out constantly that neurodivergence is a disability but then refuse to use the term

[thedisablednaturalist]

Why does this have to be the called the neurodivergent queer website? Why can't it be referred to as the disabled queer website?

[lalasworld2x]

Reader x Shredder Headcanons

Just some general headcanons, let me know if there’s any you want me to add!

Some mature themes

• He doesn’t care too much about body image. Of course there’s a certain point where he’ll become worried for your safety, but other than that, he doesn’t really judge. He cares a lot about personality and loyalty and true love, he dates to marry, and he married for a life time. And if you’re the right person for him, no matter your body type, he will love you endlessly.

• There may be times where he puts work over you, but that just part of being with a super villain, yknow? He will always appreciate your support and efforts.

• You can still absolutely have your own job if you want to. Small business? Scientist? Doctor? Whatever you want! He may even ask for your expertise in a few projects.

• (Just don’t expect him to allow you to do sex work or stripping 😭 his partner is his partner only, not for anyone else to see unless it’s anonymous online work 😭😭)

• Whilst you may not see eye to eye politically or morally, he is still willing to work it out with you. So if your occupation does happen to work against him or his ideals, he won’t stop you, he just might be a sly shit stirrer about it lol

• If you don’t want to work, that’s totally fine by him too!

• I don’t think he supports social media, besides the real news part of it. Stuff like the occasional Twitter post or whatever. But if you wanted to post on social media about yourself or your personal life, he probably wouldn’t allow it. He needs to keep himself secret as much as possible so his enemies can’t ambush him and such. Being an influencer is probably one of the few jobs he won’t allowed you to partake in. If you want to use social media like TikTok or tumblr or whatever, just stay anonymous!

• If you’re neurodivergent, he may not understand it all totally, but he’s willing to learn and grow. He doesn’t really bully people the way most people do nowadays (probably partially because he’s not online and doesn’t see everything you do). No matter what disorders or disabilities you have, he will help you take care of it! Medications, therapy, etc

• If you are a wheelchair or crutch user, he will immediately have more ramps and elevators installed in the lair to make every room accessible for you.

• If you tics, he will never laugh unless you ask him to. He doesn’t even pay attention to them. They are apart of you. If there is a certain trigger that is causing you to tic a lot in that moment, he will do his best to get rid of it for you.

• He doesn’t totally understand the entirety of the LGBTQ+ community. So if you are attracted to more genders than just male, he may take some time to sort of process what that means. He refuses polyamory, but he will understand that being attracted to more than one gender doesn’t automatically make you a cheater.

• He understands what depression and anxiety are, but he’s never really been around people that have them. Or at least, all the people he knows that have it don’t like to show it. If you have depressive or anxiety disorders, he sort of goes into a panic mode and is constantly worrying about you. Are they okay? What are they not telling me? Am I doing everything right? How can I help? Just tell him what you do and don’t need, and he will lovingly oblige 😊

• He loves watching you wake up in the morning. Not in a creepy Edward Cullen way, in an admirable way sort of. He’ll lay next to you in bed and smile at your soft facial expression. He loves watching you wake yourself up, like yawning, tying up your hair, stretching, etc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope this wasn’t too shit 😭😭😭

Masterlist

[barzfrommarz]

Hey barz :] It’s late, and instead of working on the Pogtopia TNT duo comic I started tonight (because comics are lowkey so intimidating), I came to your blog to ask you some questions:

How often do you think about the fact that Revivebur has canonical PTSD related to swords? I think about it a normal about and it doesn’t add extra angst to anything I write, especially not a death scene or anything (some of the biggest lies ever told)

Does everyone it this fandom who likes c!Wilbur and was in a toxic relationship at one point also project that onto c!MAD duo, or is that just like a me thing? (This question is more of a joke, but still)

Any c!Wilbur headcanons that you wanna share?

Are you excited to hear about all the c!Wilbur angst in all my DSMP AU’s (it’s a LOT)

Anyways, have a good day/night, bye :D

tysm for the c!wilbur questions!

I think about c!wilburs ptsd a normal amount! I never particularly think about his trauma revolving swords tho. I think back to the moment in the finale stream where I think c!tommy pulls out a sword in anger (excuse me it’s been over a year since I watched the final stream) and I think about how that would’ve affected c!wilbur. I like to think his body tensed up and his eyes widened and he flinched back a little in that moment. Thinking it was happening again.

Maybe. I wouldn’t be suprised but I never rlly think abt c!mad duo a lot. I should more tho their dynamic has so much potential

-I like to think he’s the kinda guy to refuse to admit he’s disabled/Neurodivergent/Mentally ill. Nope i’m fine type beat. Powering thru the chronic pain and the autistic meltdowns and manic episodes like it’s nothing

-Tourette’s syndrome. I’ve never talked abt this headcanon before but I have tics irl and I feel like he would have them.

-He is a big fan of other forms of art. I think he would paint and write novels he will never show to anyone

-He lost all pain tolerance after revival.

-He has a speech impediment. He grew out of it but it never fully went away

-Pathetically anxious. No comment

-Shakes/trembles constantly. He’s just colder now

-He never knows when he is sick. He will often go weeks without realizing it and usually has to have someone tell him he’s sick (if it’s not bad enough)

-I think he would age regress to cope. In secret of course (c!quackity knows)

-speaking of c!quackity, c!wilbur never realized he was secretly crushing on him bc he never picked up on the social cues

YES I AM. I don’t read a lot of fanfiction anymore but I will still read c!wilbur angst any day

You too tysm for asking I love talking abt c!wilbur :)))))))

[5amanthus]

For the ask game :) 😈🎶🎯

Ask game

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

I don't know if I've ever been playfully mean to readers 😂 I'm either genuine, or just mean (i.e hurting blorbos, added angst, killing characters).

It's not really playful, but probably the closest example I have is this one person was obsessed with Purple/Xander, literally the biggest bigot/not-in-the-fun-way asshole™️/just downright awful character I had in the earlier part of my series and they shit all over my massively diverse/queer/disabled/neurodivergent cast of characters because I refused to give him a redemption arc, so later on I ended up taking some of their direct quotes and putting it in some of his dialogue while he was being an idiot and then I got rid of him a few chapters later.

        "Perhaps you can give me some valuable insight then. Tell me about the crew."

        He paused upon realizing the other man was actually trying to talk to him, "Where do I even start? Cyan is an absolute snake, don't trust that one. 'They' will backstab you. Lime is gross and has made 'gay' his whole personality. Black is creepy and a dad. Red is really fucking weird. I thought Pumpkin would be cool, but I hate her too. Yellow is okay, I guess. The Captain doesn't take anything seriously and he should have been fired ages ago. Pink is the nervous one. Uuh, honestly everyone is so forgettable. It's so hard to keep up with everyone, they might as well just be a bunch of colours with vague personality traits."

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

I'm always listening to music and I absolutely do while I write! I've got over 100 playlists and pretty well all of my characters have at least 1 song if not more.

These are two I've had on repeat a lot because this band is great for just a specific vibe I need for a current original WIP about a trans woman going into a cabin in the woods to discover herself and she ends up coming out with a trans monster girlfriend 😄

Also been listening to this one a bunch because it fits a possible WIP I have about two characters who love each other trying to find the other again and again even as their ripped apart while their realities constantly change around them, but I won't say more because it's going to be a big project that I'm still trying to figure out a format for. (Brain says show, but I don't really have access to those kinds of resources, so I might write it but I think it's going to be difficult to capture in a story.)

This one is always on repeat cause it's a major Fuchsia and Dijon song and I have so many feelings about them, but they're not showing up again for a while. I have a whole scene planned for this one though, and some art too.

And I've got a whole playlist for the Spot/Venom fanfic thing I'm working on, but these two songs I've been listening to a lot out of the whole playlist. I should probably slap the playlist down, maybe in the fic when its done.

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

I don't really have readers that comment their guesses usually? Also I'm terrible for just blabbing about stuff instead of writing it, so people either know what's going to happen, or they comment that they were surprised by things! Like this comment, I love it a lot :D

"This has to be my fav fic in your Crews series yet. For context, I have binge read up to this chapter over the last two days.

Cyan having an altered imposter parasite was a fall-off-my-seat plot twist. Whoa! That explained what they were freaking out about when they had to get scanned and I thought they couldn't get their gloves off, but they weren't able to temporarily get the parasite to leave their body (because it was protecting them from the spawn of Chartreuse, but Cyan didn't know at the time). I want to go into more, but this paragraph alone is too long already."

Or I did have someone really accurately read a scene/the hints I left, which was great!

"When she flinched away from his hand the first time he went to touch her, I wonder whether he thought he'd partly reverted back to impostor form and that was what scared her? It must've been confusing for him to see her flinch away from a normal hand and realise it had nothing to do with his nature as an Impostor.

When Fuchsia comes during the night shift, it becomes clear Dijon is bad at hiding not only his strangeness, but even his ability to see in the dark; I wonder whether Orchid knows he's an Impostor. If so, mentioning she'd kill Pantone if she had a chance might've been an indirect approval for Dijon to get rid of him."

And the only other closest one would probably be people accurately calling Black and Red as impostors in V-Crew, but I wasn't really trying to hide that one 😂

[rnelodyy]

Why the Owl House isn’t going to end like Amphibia did.

I’ve seen people make a couple arguments for why Owl House won’t have the same ending as Amphibia, but never something really in depth. And because I love writing essays that go way too in depth, I thought I’d lay out my arguments for why Owl House won’t end like Amphibia. 

Obviously full spoilers for all 3 seasons of Amphibia, and the first 2 seasons of The Owl House.

I wanna preface this by saying that Amphibia’s ending isn’t bad. Anne, Sasha and Marcy leaving Amphibia behind to go back to the human world is a sad, but satisfying ending, and it worked very well. But just because an ending works for one show, doesn’t mean that it will work for every show, and Amphibia’s ending would never work for Owl House, for multiple reasons.

The lessons for the protagonists

On the surface, Luz and Anne are pretty similar protagonists. They’re both bubbly, excitable teenage girls who end up in fantasy worlds, get taken in by the locals, and fight the Evil Oppressive Government. However, there’s a pretty big difference between the lessons they’re supposed to take away from their stories, their relationships with the worlds they got isekai’d into, and their relationships with Earth.

Anne’s journey is about learning to make your own decisions. Before being zapped to Amphibia, she basically floated through life taking the path of least resistance, constantly pushed around and manipulated by Sasha and refusing to actually apply herself in school. During her time with the Plantars, fighting against the toads and later Andrias, she learns how to stand up for herself and actually fight for the future she wants to see. She sacrifices her life for her friends and their world, and refuses godhood in order for a chance to grow up and live out her life to the fullest. 

Luz’s journey, meanwhile, is about finding your place in a world that’s not made for you. In the human realm, she never had any friends and got in constant trouble at school because of her “weirdness” (aka neurodivergence), while in the demon realm, she’s a human who can’t cast magic by herself and lives with a known criminal. She finds her own way of doing magic through the use of glyphs, and teaches glyph magic to Eda and Lilith once they lose access to their innate magic. She explicitly stayed with Eda and King because they’re all societal outcasts, and they need to find community in eachother, a sentiment that’s repeated throughout the show. 

While Anne’s character arc would logically end with her growing up and figuring out who she wants to be, Luz’s character arc would logically end with finding the people who accept her for who she is. Luz’s arc is specifically allegorical for neurodivergence, in that she’s both canonically ND which impacts her ability to function in the human realm and interact with those around her, and allegorically ND/disabled, in that she can’t do magic like everyone around her can and needs to figure out her own way of doing things. Sending her back to the human realm without her friends and girlfriend after she’s shown to blossom completely in the demon realm would just be cruel.

Which brings me to my second point.

The protagonists’ relationships with the fantasy world

Anne… does not like Amphibia. 

It’s not that she shies away from everything, and she does adapt to certain things over time, but overall, she’s just out of her element in Amphibia. She loves the people, especially the Plantars, but the world itself is so hostile to her that she’d never be able to thrive in it. When reminded of Earth, like when Sasha serves her pizza and lets her have a shower, she’s delighted, and she tries to constantly do things the way they did back where she’s from. 

In the end, Anne would always go back to Earth, because she just doesn’t belong in Amphibia, it’s not a world she could ever feel at home in. Same with the Plantars, while they like Earth fine enough, they still miss Wartwood, and because they look so out of place they could never truly build a future there. The best ending for all of them is for Anne, Sasha and Marcy to return to Earth, and for everyone else to stay in Amphibia. 

Luz, on the other hand, LOVES the Boiling Isles.

Throughout the entirety of the first season, she stayed on the Isles by choice. She HAD a way home, she just… chose not to use it, because she doesn’t fit in in the human realm. The Boiling Isles is where she learns to make friends, it’s where she learns to do magic, and ironically enough, it’s also where she learns to stop trying to live out a fantasy and see what the real world is like. After her way back to Earth got destroyed, the only reason she ever gave for wanting to go back is that she missed her mom, because Camila is the only (living) person on Earth that she’s ever had a meaningful connection with. 

Luz undoubtedly belongs on the Boiling Isles. It’s a world where her weirdness isn’t punished or suppressed, but celebrated. It’s a world where she’s made friends, she’s found a family, and she’s fallen in love. In fact, the idea that she doesn’t belong there because she’s human is a belief directly stated by the villain, and one Luz directly refutes (“We don’t belong here” “I’m not like you”). Making her go back to Earth permanently would just be proving Belos right.

The Owl House is explicitly about finding family in the people that will accept you, with queer, neurodivergence and disability metaphors running throughout. The idea that families aren’t determined by blood is a cornerstone of the whole series, from King’s arc of finding his birth family while also wanting to be formally adopted by Eda, to Amity and Hunter distancing themselves from their abusive caregivers, to even Caleb leaving his brother behind to start a family on the Boiling Isles. Forcing Luz to return to Earth without the others just because Camila lives there is completely antithetical to the message of the show. 

So how will The Owl House end?

Honestly, I have no idea. I doubt it’s going to be a fully 100% happy ending, because this show doesn’t tend to do that, but I also don’t think that Luz will have to go back to the human realm.

The most optimistic ending would be having a functional portal between the realms open at all times, and Luz being co-parented by Eda and Camila. Hell, with the portal being a normal-sized door, you could even partially merge Camila’s house with the Owl House. Luz could keep going to Hexside full time, Vee wouldn’t have to drop out of school or forge a new identity, and both Eda and Camila could be part of Luz’s family. The Boiling Isles would be in absolute disarray for a while, both because of the Collector and because of the complete collapse of the governing body, so the human realm could even be a safe haven for those fleeing the chaos. 

Travel between realms becoming impossible and Luz having to choose between Earth and the Boiling Isles could be an ending, but it’s not as likely, mostly because the method of travel between the realms isn’t tied to one specific object, like the Calamity Box. Theoretically, one could build a new portal, Luz almost managed it, she just needs a bit more time and resources.

Either way, I doubt the show will end with Luz in the human realm on her own. It’s a message antithetical to the one the show has been putting out this whole time, and as well as it worked for Amphibia, it would not work for Owl House. 

[nightmare-foundation]

Philip grimwalker AU

William Archer Wittebane;

-William was made when his creator went to Belos to suggest making a grimwalker of him in case anything were to happen. Belos obviously agreed to it, considering it a smart idea.

-William lives with his creator, and was told the same lies Hunter was- that Belos is his uncle and that their family was killed by wild magic. William and Hunter think they're brothers (which isn't entirely wrong).

-William looks a lot like how Belos used to look, with a few imperfections, such as freckles and bad eyesight. He's also disabled, and while he tries to not let it stop him, sometimes he's simply unable to do even basic tasks. It frustrates him a lot.

-William is extremely smart and it's hard to trick him. He knows pretty much everything about the Boiling Isles, due to his eagerness to learn, as well as about magic.

-William is also an extremely skilled and powerful witch; because of this, he's earned the nickname 'Magnus'. Those who know him often think that he'll end up as powerful as the coven heads one day, or even as powerful as Belos himself.

-William is a very quiet person, and has an unintentionally intimidating demeanor, but he's actually pretty friendly. He's been isolated a lot of his life outside of Hunter, and he's neurodivergent (likely has ADHD and Autism). This can make him seem scary, unapproachable, or even rude. He feels lonely because of this, and wishes people would try to be his friend.

-William is a 'take no shit' kind of person. He will stand up for himself if he feels he needs to, as well as for others. William can be vicious when he feels either him or other people have been wronged, and he has a very strong sense of morality. He's very well-spoken too, so he's very hard to argue against.

-William is frighteningly good at manipulation, deception, and lying, but rarely does any of those things. He'll only do so if he feels he absolutely needs to (whether he or others are in danger), and he doesn't enjoy doing it regardless. He often feels guilty about it, and if he can, he'll apologize later. But he's very good at all kinds of manipulation, to the point where even those that know him well tend to doubt themselves when he's lying to someone else. William always reassures them though.

-Williams love languages are gift giving, infodumping and physical affection. He'll sometimes dump his weighted cape on people he likes if they're upset.

-William is a pretty calm person, but he's terrifying if you manage to piss him off. His form of anger is usually cold and calm, even if he's fuming inside. Despite William not being in a position of authority, he often makes others feel like he is because of how scary he can be.

-William knows he's meant to be a replacement for the Emperor in case something happens to him, and he doesn't enjoy the pressure it puts on him. He strongly prefers freedom over most anything else.

-Williams creator is actively abusive to him, constantly putting pressure on him, yelling at him, and finding flaws to pick at. Sometimes Williams creator is pretty creepy towards him, so William far prefers his anger over the creepiness. Williams come to have fears, insecurities, and general trauma over the abuse.

-William is a gay trans man and is the same age as Hunter (though Hunter is almost a year younger).

-William is currently 6'0" tall and still growing.

-William has a palisman he hides from Belos named Bubba. Bubba is a pigeon palisman that found William one day and simply refused to leave his side. William adores Bubba, but Bubba... isn't the smartest, constantly flying into windows and getting in trouble. He's also a bit baffling; despite having been caught by Belos several times, Bubba comes back each time unscathed. He also tends to escape things or do things that he really shouldn't be able to do. Once, William left out a pad of stickers (that he gives Bubba for every bad nest he makes), and Bubba got into it, being covered in stickers, including ones not found in the original pad. These things, and weirder, are normal occurrences for William.

-William inherited Belos's curse, but it laid dormant until he found out he was a grimwalker of Philip. His cursed form is far more deer-like and more accurate to real deer, with a deer skull, antlers, and hooves.

-Williams appearance;

(The glasses are optional; he doesn't wear them all the time)

-William has a similar fashion sense to Philip, but more modern.

-Williams and Hunters relationship is very brotherly and chaotic. They regularly threaten each other (Hunter threatens to take Bubba to Belos, and William threatens to stab Hunter... yeah it doesn't age well). They're genuinely close though and would do anything for each other. William got his nose scar from Belos when he tried defending Hunter against Belos's abuse, and Hunter makes sure William has a safe space when Williams creator is angry or being a creep.

[incarnateirony]

Question for fellow neurodivergents

tw/ mental health, depression, disassociation, random stresses, idk. 

tw/ I’m living 24/7 triggered lately and that’s in the post and looking for some temporary work arounds.

To begin: I’m diagnosed ASD, but generally just not... IDK, in the community, largely because my mother refused to believe anything was “wrong” with her child and summarily I was too “high functioning” (yes I know it’s a bad term, that’s the point) to be a problem, then after that life propelled me through a bunch of survivalist trauma But you know, “nothing can be wrong with my kid, she’s too smart, she tested 5th grade level in kindergarten! Collegiate level in everything by THIRD GRADE! hurDUrHeHURRR.” Just shove the kid through speech therapy to get rid of related impediments and it’s fine right?!

Eventually I got into a better situation and self managed efficiently, because Alabama barely has health care much less knowing how to treat a 30-something year old woman falling apart with a rare connective tissue disorder and autism still seen as a conversion-worthy disorder (or you know, my gayness, but hey) -- yet again, now I’m too high functioning haha autism sure whatever everybody’s autistic these days or would you like extreme approaches, these are your choices.

That said, while waiting for my engine to be repaired, I’m trapped in a situation that’s persistently rubbing against my PTSD triggers (from the survivalism period) even if theoretically benign but alternately constantly being talked at, more than to. My options are “old lady constantly talking a cycle about death, pain, hospitals, and more death and pain, even when I’m trying to silently put cereal in my face” or “in laws that mean well but don’t understand I literally can not hold conversations for 2 consecutive hours much less 8 when we escape there and they keep trying to engage me about arbitrary topics and seem disappointed that I’m not engaging.”

And I get it she’s lonely and she hurts and I feel awful but I literally don’t know what to do with an endless battery of negativity. Even trying to reroute her onto something nice like, I dunno, dogs inevitably loops back to death somehow. And for reasons above and below I am not emotionally equipped to deal with a constant negative waterfall running like I put it on ListenOnRepeat. And even if, IF you manage to break the death loop for any period of time there’s general patience levels when she shuffles around her kitchen refusing to sit down and let us get anything while she fusses over her milk going bad for an hour. Or about whatever other little thing. Until she self breaks that loop and goes back to death and pain.

Sometimes it’s “I can’t die until I do my paperwork” that is actually null paperwork her son already handled but she won’t listen and has shuffled the same paperwork for three years. I’m fairly certain this woman talks to Death every night but in her mental scape scoots around in her stroller telling him to hold on while she finishes her paperwork and somehow cons him into standing outside holding wires to put up her hummingbird feeders for the bees in October at midnight until he decides to come back another day before he hears about her milk or oxycodone again. And I know that makes me sound callous but goddamn

I really don’t have anywhere to go and simply be quiet right now. If I hide in the basement with aforementioned old lady she opens the door, risks letting the cats and dogs out, generally inserts herself, bangs things around upstairs and sets off my hyperreactivity, or just outright calls us up to do things for her that she doesn’t actually let us do for her and instead starts talking about pain and death again, generally while overworking me. I’ve repeatedly blown my hip in progressively worsening stages from my connective tissue problems in the two weeks I’ve been here, and get zero empathy despite attempted explanations that I can’t jog up and down steep 1950s stairs for her all day. Hell, I can barely climb them a few times.

Perhaps I should clarify my survivalist life cycle began with my mother taking too much oxy, and then being cut down and she snapped; pain grandmother mcgee refused to enter proper end of life care and has been taking too much oxy, and they’re weaning her down and she’s in the same withdrawls pattern; after that I migrated to an equally bad situation where I got trapped and efforts to escape backfired and turned into quite literal 10 year battlezone of survival that I still have scars and wounds from that will never heal -- how that connects to my current breakdown situation, you can figure out. All that stacked together into one big ball of FUCK YOU defines my base line of 24-7 right now much less all other irritants.  Like it stacks both chapters of my life going down an increasingly violent toilet bowl that was outside of my control into one aggressive old woman who temporarily controls my life.

That all said, even when we go to the “safe zone” of the inlaws, by the end of the night I am surrounded by eternal buzzing of conversation and expectations. Even if they aren’t talking to me specifically (after I’ve spent hours desperately trying to stay plugged in) it’s like having a fly bounce off my face repeatedly with the eternal buzzing of conversation I feel the need to try to pay attention to. But with loops of death and pain and my own actual real pain and eternal buzzing, endless buzzing, requirements of conversation, no quiet places, no place to be safe, feeling caged and rubbing related PTSD triggers, I’ve disassociated into some pretty dark mental loops lately.

Like I’m missing the days when I knew an area well enough to find the right park to disappear into the woods of and hide under a bridge there or something and just sit there and disappear for a while. Not that I can really motor around well enough to do that now anyway.

It took me a while to add up WHY this batshit crazy 88 year old woman was doing such a number on me since I’ve literally had my life burn down and people I love die and just packed up and kept soldiering on while barely blinking, but I recently put it together and there’s the big ball of FUUUUUUUUUCK NO WONDER but now that I KNOW it I still can’t figure out how to situationally FIX the other stressers that keep compounding the neverending PTSD+stress loop.

Bonus points just to put icing on the shitcake, I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I converted to vaping, then to low mil vaping. Guess who banned vaping inside? Guess who gets magically spotted any time I step out? Guess who is living in an eternal nic fit on top of this and has regressed a year of quitting to just about eat cigarettes when I get five minutes of peace, and yet despite my best efforts of eating them in desperation, have taken a solid week per pack, because that’s how little time I have to myself, despite outright chain smoking at the inlaws, I’m not even kidding. (Guess who is rebelliously vaping at midnight in said basement since it smells like candy and I know her ass is unconscious and won’t pop open the goddamn door)

“Seek treatment” is sort of pointless where I live, lemme put that out there now, especially since I’m yet again trying to leave the state in a few days.

But does anyone have any particular stim methods or... anti-stim for that matter that can help in this sort of situation to just decompress my eternal overload turning into hardcore shut down? I’m not nonverbal but by about 7-8PM these days I *become* nonverbal. Before I run out of metaphorical spoons in the morning I’m still myself, if with my awkward social function, but by 8PM it’s like someone’s wired my jaw shut or disconnected TalkerBox.Exe or unplugged something because even with all the thoughts in the world, I literally can not will my mouth to move anymore, and that’s... not normal for me. Talking-reserved, sure. Quiet, sure. Mouth welded shut like I’m Neo in the matrix, not so much.

I just need something that can last me through like, 3 days to sort of find my old ways of having quiet places even if I can’t have quiet places. Suggestions?

---

As a bit of a side I wonder if this is also a bit of class upset going on. Said 88 year old woman who is now all but financially broke was the lower-upper class wife of a lobbyist banker that used to work with Jeff Sessions and pretty much got him in office, but Sessions dropped the family like a hot potato when said husband died, so my “fighting for food scraps from the trash, working from 14 to support my disabled mother, cyclically homeless” gay liberal ass is squatting with a bitter former upper class southern lady republican woman turned deadass senile and I C A N T

[purplepeoplelickingtruthpeddler]

The more I think about how my ex took advantage of me in the end... Like.... Idk I'm mad. It's been a few months but tbh realizations don't stop coming through. Probably never maybe.

Because when he told me he been chasing another girl and my world bottomed out because I realized I'd seen the signs and asked directly weeks, if not months, before and been lied to... my instinct was support even then in that pain. He said the only thing stopping him was being autistic, which no surprise there because he was so self-hating that he started abusing me, but @ the time the first first thing to come out of my mouth was "that's not a good enough reason because if you approach someone and they shut you down just for that then you deserve better anyways". It hurt so much that I wasn't even on the list of reasons for him to be honest with anyone about his behavior. And what does that say about me if he didn't think he was worthy being autistic? And I'm polyamorous I would've understood. And the second thing I did was make excuses for him, as he trained me to do, and said "maybe you're poly too" but the weight in my chest told me I knew better than that, because of how he'd behaved with me in recent months. And I turned away knowing I was no longer loved, and became severely severely depressed. To the point that the pain of three days without food or water literally didn't get me off the ground. And he wouldn't still yet admit that he didn't love me until I practically made him. In fact he never admitted specifically, he made me make the hard choices for him because he preferred me physically available but completely emotionally independent. He wanted to get support and validation out of me that he made inaccessible to me. And... Like... I was that dumb bitch who accepted him and supported him and constantly tried to meet him in the middle of both of our neurodivergencies and assuage his insecurity. And he threw me away. He like... threw away the validation he already had and was thoughtlessly and carelessly seeking outside of himself period. It took me days and nearly killing myself and being at a complete complete rock bottom to realize that this man telling me he became resentful and was replacing me because I was disabled didn't deserve me. Not the other way around. I've only realized in the last couple of days that even in the lowest points of my disability, I was still too good for him. And then when I had the nerve to finally say I was done giving and not getting for good, and keep living in spite of him, he made manipulative public displays of emotion, then moved onto being passive aggressive and causing as much tension as possible when that didn't work, then refused to leave when I'd had enough and told him I didn't need or want him around in any capacity, then got physically violent when I tried to make him. I didn't have a full meal in over a week, I lived off of a bag of seeds, a handful of eggs, and a can of crushed tomatoes in the week or two after I decided to live, and then I drove through at least seven panic episodes to get one load at the community pantry. Then I decided to practice more therapy than I'd done in the last year and build off of that. And I did all of that with him breathing down neck trying to make me feel as scared and miserable as he was. I did all of that partially in spite of him. And then when he gave me a concussion I had to nerve to seek more immediate outside help. And I haven't talked to him or sought him since. I've stayed alive. I'm really fucking strong. Insecure men and women break things and then act shocked when they're broken. They tell you you're weak, pretend you need them, and then act shocked when you manage to survive without them. Make excuses when you actually start to thrive without them.

I just was never enough for him because he was never enough for himself. His behavior with me was a mirror. Whatever I thought I had with him, it still wasn't real. It was conditional upon me being what his abusers taught him to expect in the world. And easily disposable when I wasn't. Any support he gave me was generic "good Christian" garbage, and it was only when generic good Christian garbage applied. If what I needed support with feel outside of that, then instead he thought "I should just handle it myself". He was still the best relationship I've had and tbh that says a lot about my choices and the growing I've left to do. And I feel worn out and used from that experience. So used. And mad that I became a victim of his self-hatred despite how much I loved and supported him.

And he's over there getting away with it, convincing himself and being convinced by his own abusers that I used him simply because I'm disabled enough not to be able to work. He's over there snorting his cocaine and probably closing in on the next victim.

I'm over here learning who to love both because of and in lieu of what I experienced with him. Taking the harder road, taking the higher road I hope. Doing the work. Loving myself and my neurodivergent friends despite what he turned neurodivergence into for a hot second. He was such a huge mistake that I won't be making again as long as I'm alive.

But while I heal, I'm also mad. And the only thing stopping me from fucking him up in the few ways that I can is the belief that he'll bring his own tower down and with enough time he'll have built it up taller so that the fall is harder. That feels like a more fitting punishment. So I let the gravity of his self-sabotage to do the work while I turn inwards.

I still haven't gained all the weight back, and I'm still having nightmares too often, and I still sometimes find myself crying at the bottom of my shower when fatigue is kicking my ass, I'll black out if I stand up, not even the suction cup handle bars strategically applied to the shower tiles can save me, and there's no one I trust to help me, and I still panic everywhere I go, I still have a hard time talking about special interests because of what people like him do to those who have the nerve to talk about them, I'm still learning to be bluntly honest with myself about self-harm, I still feel like everyone see these monsters of trauma and chronic illness painted on me like bright neon flashing signs that say "this person was broken and is dysfunctional by nature".

"This person doesn't and never will fit in, and they've been abused because of it" is stamped on me somewhere I swear.

But at least I'm not him. This fate, it's not worse than his. At least I'm not him. As hard as things get, I always have that to comfort me. At least I'm not him.