#they shouldnt have been able to fuck up so maybe they should have done it

[faunandfloraas]

[theprinceandthewitch]

Honestly, Season 3 really does feel like the entire thing is fanservice

Thanks to Them was obviously the Lunter episode where they pretty much confirm Luz is the "Evelyn" to Hunter's "Caleb". Huntlow is non existent in this episode, which makes no fucking sense given what happens in the next one. They legit just wanted this episode to be Lunter propaganda from beginning to end. And they write TTT in a way where Hunter can be seen as a homewrecker from Amity's POV. Which will never NOT be hilarious to me, regardless if this was intentional or not. We get Flapjack letting Luz use him. We get Luz telling Hunter to basically come back to her while she's straight up hugging him. Luz is also the only one having trouble fighting Hunter while everyone else is wailing on him [Willow is once again painted in a bad light]. Philip name drops Evelyn and Caleb while speaking to Luz and Hunter specifically. Flapjack also flies to Luz when hes on his death bed and not Willow. Hunter's words are what finally get Luz to stop beating herself up over helping Philip and not Luzs literal girlfriend, who stands awkwardly in the background while Hunter gives his speech to Luz.

Then FTF is the Huntlow episode. Hunter acts OOC by not being concerned over Luz taking awhile to come out of the portal, which makes no sense since he literally told her at the end of the last episode to help him fight back against Philip. Its also OOC for Hunter not to be concerned for Luz when she made it pretty clear he was part of her found family with the Hexside gang. It's also weird for Hunter not to be concerned for a person he was literally prepared to die for in the previous episode AND for a person he clearly loves and puts alot of trust in. Luz also acts OOC by not asking Hunter if he's okay after literally dying and coming back to life before her eyes. Luz is also still feeling guilty over helping Philip despite everyone not giving a shit in TTT. The reason why Hunter and Luz do not talk even though they really should is because this is the Huntlow episode. Hunter needs to have A Moment with Willow, so Luz and Hunter need to act like they're complete strangers despite Everything That Happened in the previous episode.

Hunter gets a forced moment with Willow even though literally any other character, including Amity, would have been a better option to comfort Willow. And for some reason Hunter has to comfort Willow despite the latter showing him a picture of his dead friend. Again, This is the Huntlow episode, so they need to come up with a reason for Hunter and Willow to have a moment even if it paints Willow in a bad light. Speaking of painting Willow in a bad light, they made Willow look extremely shallow for only showing interest in Hunter after he develops an internal magic source. Going back to TTT: there is literally no reason for them not to make Huntlow canon in this episode. They could have done it in the montage or put a photo of them as a couple in Willow's photobook. And they could have given all of Luz's scenes with Hunter to Willow but they dont. Willow also shows no romantic interest in Hunter during TTT. So Willow only showing interest in Hunter AFTER he develops an internal magic source makes Willow look really, really bad. Especially once you factor in that Hunter's powers come from Flapjack - who had to die in order for Hunter to receive his magic.

Flapjack literally died for a forced Huntlow moment, maybe you can forgive this sin but I never will.

As for Watching and Dreaming... so this episode was the most boring one out of all three of them for me. My eyes literally glazed over up until I saw Luz and Hunter in the timeskip part of the episode. But Amity somehow having autonomy while she's still a doll is Lumity fanservice, because Amity needed to remove the doll spell so she could kiss Luz later. First of all, Amity shouldnt be able to move as a doll. None of the other characters can move as dolls but she can for some reason. Not only can she move, she also somehow knew a light glyph would free herself and everyone else from the doll spell. I guess she was able to read the script while in doll form. This bit of writing also makes King, Eda and Lilith look like complete idiots for not using the light glyph to free people from the doll magic.

[magiwou-meowvin]

okay @kohakhearts I just used the generator so this is the crack fic you received

fic under the cut

Slade gets a lot of weird contracts. Part of being the Best in the Biz™ is that all the absolutely insane shit that the small fries can't handle gets sent to him—and the shit the small fries can't handle is either way above their paygrade (re: sometimes he gets paid to murder actual gods) or it's just too weird to be taken seriously by those who haven't been around long enough.

Not Slade tho. Slade has seen some shit. Done some shit too, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that that only Slade could be contracted to murder—checks notes—possessed, killer animatronic robots for a childrens pizza joint.

He cannot make this shit up.

But the pay is good, and destroying a robot cant be that different from killing a live target, and he's bored as hell because he hasn't been able to torment a teenager or his kids in a while, so why not?

The pizza joint, Freddy Faxbears Pizza, is downright grody. Is this place still operable? It shouldnt be if it is. It's a walking healthcode violation, and that's not even including the murderbots he's about to turn into murderedbots.

Slade draws his sword and starts sweeping the place. He had to access Freddy's from a skylight in the office, which, according to his blueprints, is furthest from the stage rooms where the animatronics should be, provided they're not wondering around. The office itself is clear, so he moves into the hallway, checks the closet, and then heads into the kitchen.

The kitchen is where things get a little dicey though.

He follows his normal sweeping procedure, but when he walks past one of the counters, he notices a strange book on the counter.

Death Note, it's titled, no author listed.

Idly, Slade picks it up, wondering if maybe there's some intel in it that could be useful. Instead, he finds a long list of overly complicated middle school burn book type instructions.

“Useless,” he mutters and tosses it over his shoulder and onto the ground.

“Well that's rude,” someone says behind him.

Before they can even finish the sentence, he's swinging his sword sword sword, his (not)diamond sword directly at the figure—

Only for his sword to go right through.

“Motherfucking ghosts and shit,” he curses and swings again.

“Now, hey, that's not nice :(“ the goth ghost says. He seems very unperturbed by the whole thing.

“Didn't try to cut your head off to make friends,” Slade points out and tries swinging again. Every strike just goes straight through this guy though. Nothing at all like the animatronics he was contracted to kill.

Probably for the best actually that this thing isn't one of the attractions. It's an absolute horror show.

“You're not what I'm here for,” he moves to go around the thing.

“Hey wait!” it shouts. “You forgor your notebook!”

Slade glances back at the selfproclaimed Death Note, then hefts his sword up so the monster can see it clearly. “Don't need it.”

“B-b-b-b-but—”

Slade doesn’t stick around to listen.

After the kitchen is more hallway. He gets, like, two steps in that fucked up ghost guy materializes through the wall and in his way. “Listen buddy,” it grumbles even as it's face stays pulled in that rigour mortis grin. “You're the first human to actually go through the building in a long time. Do you have any idea how long I've been stuck here?” he shouts.

“Don't care,” he steps around the creature again.

The thing grumbles and follows behind with its massive wings. “You're a killer, yeah? I can tell. I'm a shinigami. Well that notebook will let you kill with nothing but a name and face! Think about it! You could get your jobs done in a fraction of the time!”

Just then, a giant, robot chicken lurches from around the corner with thundering steps. Slade casts the shinigami a look, then calmly asks, “Hey, what's your name?”

The chicken does not respond. Slade holds out his sword and lets it run into it, then disembowel its metal guts.

It falls to the ground easily.

The next three robots go much the same, and not a single one offers up its name.

“There. I dont need your notebook,” he says smugly and saunters towards the exit.

“I'll admit, that was entertaining,” the shinigami says. Slade gets the impression the creature is grinning even wider somehow.

“Happy to help,” he says sarcastically. He reaches the front door and tries to open it, but nothing happens. “Weird.” He turns to go back through the building to use the skylight again.

“Wait, you forgot the notebook!” the shinigami protests as Slade pulls the desk under the light. “Even if you dont use it for killing, you can use it to extort others, or manipulate their every move prior to their death! You could sell it even!”

That…could be useful, he supposes, but it also takes all the fun out of murdering and tormenting. “Eh, I'll pass.”

The shinigami growls like a feral dog. “Fine!” he yells and pulls out his own notebook. “This is the end of you, Slade Wilson!”

“That wont work on me,” Slade points out. He hops on top the desk.

“What?” he yells. “Why not?”

Slade shrugs. “I once came back from the dead because I caught leprosy post-mortem, and this place is a massive healthcode violation. I'll just heal again.”

Then Slade pulls himself out the window before the shinigami realizes that that shit doesn't apply once he's out of the building.

[terraliensvent]

multiple ppl close to kinah were able to verify that they were in the hospital recovering when the attempt happened. all of those ppl could not collab and lie so one person could get “extra attention” in ur words. Im frustrated with terra staff aswell but that doesn’t mean its ok now to call someones suicide attempt fake so ur feelings seem more valid. I find that extremely sickening. U have zero evidence or good reason for doubt or else u would have vented about it already. all u have is ur feefees. u do need therapy. And mod pls stop validating baseless speculation on smth so serious. what happened 2 people needing proof for claims like this

alright yeah im deleting kinah asks now

first off i dont think that people should just believe whatever they read on the internet, because you dont know who these people are irl. again, thats not to say that you shouldnt give support where you can or that you should make public callouts saying that it was all fake when you dont know for sure, BUT at the same time theres a level of speculation regardless because its the fucking internet. people are wild, people are strangers, and there is a non zero chance that people could have lied. just because people have a level of speculation on something they read online, that doesnt mean they need therapy and it doesnt mean theyre a bad person, it means they have a brain. if YOU want to believe it without a shadow of a doubt then thats fine, and if other people have some doubt thats also fine, just dont go out of your way to fucking bother people because thats just unnecessary.

second off, i need proof for accusations like “so and so is posting feral” or “so and so is an abuser,” saying things like “the way that kinah bounced back into cs makes me speculate” isnt an accusation.

the views of the anons i post here arent reflective of my own views, and if something is a problem i give my own input on it in my response. when i created this blog i didnt want to delete asks because i feel like that controls a narrative and makes me an unreliable narrator when it comes to these discussions. if people want to talk about things like this, i didnt want to force silence because thats not how you hold a discussion.

as an additional note: anons have been becoming increasingly aggressive in my inbox, whether its towards one another or towards myself. i implore all of you to stop being so aggressive, stop making assumptions, and stop playing this holier than thou card. so much of the art and cs community is made up of people who will virtue signal and place themselves on a moral pedestal and my inbox is the last place for that. if you want to rant and complain, go ahead, but stop acting like youre better than each other because you have the Correct Opinion on everything and believe everything you read on the internet.

my final thoughts on this are as follows: there is a non zero chance that everyone is lying. is it a small chance? sure. does this mean we should spread the narrative that it was all fake? no. are you a horrible person who should die in a fire because you dont 100 percent believe that the attempts were real? no, but also dont go out of your way to be an asshole because of that belief. i think we should all publicly operate under the assumption that the attempts were real. if you want to privately speculate, go fucking wild. could kinah going back into cs and making stuff for terras possibly be bad for their mental health? maybe. but also, its none of our business. and thats what im ending this topic with, a lot of this shit really is just none of our business and i think you all give way too much of a fuck about someone who you will never know irl.

i dont dislike kinah, in fact i actually really liked them when they were on staff for terras. but at some point we all gotta throw our arms up and say why is this taking up so much of my brain power when this person is just someone i follow on fucking toyhouse.

we are done with asks about kinahs attempt now, unless anyone has important info or something new to say im deleting them.

[hatakefamily]

This is stupid, this was so fucking stupid but Jun would get himself killed of they didnt do something about it.

Maya and Kai knew for a while that their teammate was doing some shady shit lately, but this was damn near crazy. With Jun's landlord raising the price on rent he started to sell weapons to people that really, really shouldnt be having them. The teens knew money was needed to live in their world, but there had to be something better than that, especially something that wasnt gonna get their buddy arrested let alone lose his job.

Amaya was looking at her shoes, she knew this was the responsible thing to do, but she hated being a snitch--what happened to having eachother's backs no matter what? She took a glance at her level headed friend, "You sure we should do this, I mean I dont know if you have but I've certainly done my share of unethical shit for cash."

"Yeah, but first off you legitimately had no other option with your unemployed ass and secondly I remember you having to go to court multiple times for stealing," Kaito was biting his nails, he didnt really know why he was nervous. The kid trusted Kakashi, it wasnt like he'd throw the kid in a cell on sight, but still this was bad. Not to mention the guilt swallowing him for not calling this bullshit out when he found out a month ago.

They both knew it was pointless to try and talk since into their comrade now, the teen was too stubborn for his own good. Knowing Junpei he probably had been doing this for awhile now (considering that his landlord raised the rent almost four months ago) and was getting an adrenaline rush by not getting caught yet. But gods damn this could lead to serious trouble, with the law and rougher 'customers.'

Kaito wanted to go to Anko-sensei about it first, yet Maya brought up a good point; what would she be able to do? Don't get them wrong, they wouldnt trade their sensei for the world but when it came to legal strings she had little to none, at best she could maybe talk Jun down to taking a break from pushing illegal weapons.

The kids lost the chance for consideration when they saw a familiar silver haired man.

Kakashi was a busy man. There were a lot of things for him to do in a day and rarely did he find the opportunity to linger around and chat with old friends.

Yet, as he rounded the corner and laid eyes upon Kaito and Maya standing in the hallway just outside of his office, he couldn't help but feel like this was one of that moments he had to make time.

Perhaps it was the glum looks on their faces or the overbearing weight that seemed to hover in the small space. Maybe it was simply because he hated seeing the two of them look at him as if they were afraid to speak.

Afraid to tell him whatever it was that plagued his mind.

Coming to a stop in front of the pair he looked between them. An attempt to assess the situation before he broached the subject of their presence.

Judging by the way Kaito refused to meet his eyes, he guessed that it was bad.

Very bad.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked in a poor attempt to lighten the mood even just a little.

[chicken2potato]

I saw Devon last night. And man. What a fever dream it feels like. I was drunk as fuck. I knew it was him as soon as he said my name. And as soon as he did, I knew my night was ruined.

Why? Like just why? Why talk to me? Why apologize? Why say its something big going on? Like bro I know about your baby mama, your kid, you sold drugs, you're on probation. Yada yada yada. Like I still loved you. I know on paper i shouldnt have but damn. You said all the right fucking things?? You made me feel seen. You made me feel accepted. And loved. And cared about. You told me you loved me. And like we talked about some serious shit. Devon, we went through serious shit!! Like what the fuck is it thats so fucking terrible that you can't tell me? And then for you to ask me if i was driving home that night? And that I shouldnt? Why would you even fucking care if I did? What if I crashed right into a fucking barrier? What if I died? You wouldnt fucking give a shit. Because you'll just be glad maybe that you wont ever have to see my at the Quarry anymore. I mean you left. You disappeared. It was one day I was waking up to kisses and we kissed every time we left each other. And we made dinner together. Do you remember that night, Devon? The Pesto. I've never done that with someone. It was those intimate moments where I felt whole. I felt like I was in a movie. Sure there were problems. But we're making pesto and jamming to music at 2 in the morning and for that moment everything was okay and right and good. And then you left. And then one day it was "left on delivered". Then "left on read". Then unfriended. It was the day before my fucking birthday when you unadded me from Snap. My fucking birthday. You remember before Valentines day you asked if we should get something for each other or not? I said we didnt have to because i knew we were both broke as fuck and plus then you could just get me something for my birthday. I mean its only a month later, whats the big deal. We really only just met each other anyway. No harm no foul. But something deep inside me immediately knew i was never going to get a birthday present. I was right. Go me.

But why talk to me? What was there to gain from it? I finally felt like I was getting better. You know I saw you. When i was on the patio. The first shot. I saw you out of my peripheral and I thought "No. Fucking. Way." Of course. I did EVERYTHING i could to pretend you weren't there. Mostly just making it seem like it was because I was drunk. I saw you when I was dancing with my friend. You were right there. But you know why i felt like I was finally getting better? Because I didn't feel like my night was ruined yet. You didn't talk to me, there was no acknowledgement. I was fine as long as we stayed in our bubbles. I had a wonderful fucking time.

And then you talked to me.

And then I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Then i got home at 3. Paced for an hour and a half. And finally fell asleep at 5 30. I had to wake up at 9 for work. I have a fucking life. Why do you keep fucking it up? Are you doing it on purpose? Are you trying to "stop me from getting hurt so i wont tell her stuff to protect her" macho bullshit?? Devon. I'm a grown ass fucking woman. I can make my own fucking decisions. If its too much, let ME decide that. You're hurting me by not letting me in. You're destroying me. You have destroyed me.

Do you know how fucking hard the post partum depression hit? I almost actually killed myself once. Ive never ever fucking gotten that far before. But i had fucking no one. No. One. Not you. Not the baby. It was just me. Like no one even fucking knows Devon. Do you know what its like to carry that fucking heaviness around for 24 hrs a day and not being able to tell a single soul??? I couldn't take it anymore. I almost killed myself. I just needed it to all fucking end.

And now you're back apologizing like you didn't just destroy everything I've ever hoped and dreamed of. And it would have been so much better with you there. And i know it. Because if you were there i would've had a hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on. A future to see and to grasp onto during my depression. I would have you. Thats all I wanted was you. It was hard yeah. And I know we were kind of getting on each others nerves. Is that why you left? Because we had a bad week or two? Devon, every relationship is going to have times where things don't go good. That doesn't mean you just leave? You work through it. Devon I was going through so many hormonal changes. I just needed you to be my one steady constant. And then you ripped the rug right out from beneath me. Like I meant fucking nothing to you.

I dont know if seeing you helped me get better or made it worse. I do still genuinely care about you and love you. Im proud of you for getting off probation on Tuesday. And I'm so happy you're finally in the field work you want to be in. It really does bring my heart happiness to hear that. But that also doesnt change the fact that I'm still pissed off. Clearly if you couldn't tell. And i know I have every right to be. I'm trying so hard not to be mean. I know theres a few snippets in there that are mean and for that I'm sorry. But considering whats happened, I think I've earned a few jabs here and there. It wont last forever. Eventually the anger will go away and I will be better. I hope you get better. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, I hope it gets better. Truly.

And that's most everything I would probably say to him. Idk if any of it makes sense or if im just crazy after everything. Also I'm high. I also need to go to bed because I have work early in the morning. 4 to be exact. Isn't that so gross? Hate my life honestly. I ran on like 3 hrs of sleep today, got hailed on, soaked, walked around in soaked jeans, and just had rude asf members today. And then also everything with Curti? Omg. My brain has been so full. I need to go to bed. 🤦

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Jade Harley, Kanaya Maryam

Meat, page 41

ROXY: so uhhh

ROXY: dirk needs to be stopped from

ROXY: doin what again?

JADE: everything!!!

JADE: whatever hes trying to do RIGHT NOW!

JADE: like.....

JADE: um

JADE: woof this is going to be hard to explain :\

KANAYA: Are You Sure Jade

KANAYA: After All He Is The One Who Provided Me With The Medicine That Just Woke You Up

JADE: he did?

KANAYA: yes

JADE: huh

JADE: ok but...

JADE: hes the one who SHOT me in the first place!

ROXY: !!!

KANAYA: He What

ROXY: why would he do that

JADE: he needed me to be asleep

JADE: so that

JADE: he could... um

JADE: argh!

JADE: whats going on right now is really abstract, im sorry!

JADE: but you have to believe me this is a CRISIS!!!

KANAYA: Okay

KANAYA: But Maybe We Shouldnt Rush To Judgment

KANAYA: You Have Been In A Coma For Some Time

KANAYA: Maybe Its Best To Take A Little While To Recover And Then Gather Your Thoughts

JADE: but.....

KANAYA: For Now I Dont See Much Reason To Doubt Dirks Good Intentions

KANAYA: He Gave Me This Medicine

KANAYA: And We Just Had A Pretty Good Talk Today

KANAYA: I Think It Helped Me

KANAYA: Clear The Air On A Few Things

KANAYA: And Now I Feel Better I Think

KANAYA: Sad And Heartbroken Yes But

KANAYA: Free

ROXY: free

ROXY: whatre u talkin about kanaya

ROXY: what did he say

KANAYA: Hes Going To Take Good Care Of Rose

KANAYA: Probably Much Better Than Id Ever Be Able To

KANAYA: Ill Miss Her But Im At Least Thankful For That

JADE: THANKFUL??

JADE: kanaya...

JADE: did

JADE: did dirk KIDNAP ROSE?!

KANAYA: No No

KANAYA: Its Not Like That At All

KANAYA: You See He

KANAYA: Okay

KANAYA: Yes I Know How This Must Sound

ROXY: so like

ROXY: where IS rose

ROXY: is she with him

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: Theyre

KANAYA: Well

KANAYA: I Guess They Have Formed A Strong Human Familial Bond Such That It Is No Longer Necessary For Rose To Have Me As Her Spouse

KANAYA: And Now They Will Leave This Planet Together And

KANAYA: Do Important Things I Guess Which Do Not Concern Us

ROXY: WHAT?????

KANAYA: No I Know

KANAYA: It Probably Sounds

KANAYA: Um

KANAYA: Well I Know How It Sounds But Please Believe Me That Appearances Are Misleading Here

ROXY: the appearance that like

ROXY: the dude just kidnapped ur fuckin WIFE and peaced out??

KANAYA: Y-

KANAYA: Yes?

KANAYA: I

KANAYA: Hmm

JADE: you see???

JADE: somethings wrong!

JADE: kanaya...

JADE: can i just ask

JADE: how did you come to feel this way? like, to be this ok with it i mean?

KANAYA: ...

JADE: did dirk convince you to be fine with this directly, like in a conversation?

JADE: or did you just make peace with it on your own?

KANAYA: I Was Running Around Desperately Trying To Catch Them In The Act Of Their Duplicitous Behavior

KANAYA: And Then

KANAYA: I Sat Down And Thought About It

KANAYA: And Realized I Was Being Foolish

KANAYA: That It Was Better To Let Rose Go If That Is What She Really Wanted

JADE: THERE!

JADE: THATS IT!

JADE: thats what im talking about, kanaya theres no WAY you would just let rose go like that without someone pulling the strings!

JADE: dirks been FUCKING with you!

JADE: hes been fucking with ALL OF US!!!

ROXY: god damn

ROXY: rly??

JADE: YES!

JADE: kanaya! THINK about it for a second!

JADE: think about how you REALLY feel! about rose, about all of this!

JADE: are you SURE youre just... FINE with rose leaving just like THAT?

KANAYA: Im...

KANAYA: Wait

KANAYA: I Dont...

KANAYA: Im Confused

ROXY: ???

KANAYA: Why Didnt I At Least

KANAYA: Demand To See My Wife Before They Departed While I Had Dirk On The Phone

ROXY: omg u didnt even SEE her before she left??

KANAYA: No

KANAYA: At The Time It Didnt Feel Right To Ask I Guess

KANAYA: I Was So Devastated I Thought

KANAYA: That I Should Just

KANAYA: I Dont Know What I Thought

KANAYA: What

KANAYA: What Was I THINKING?

JADE: :(

KANAYA: HAVE I LOST MY FUCKING MIND?????????

KANAYA: WHAT HAS DIRK DONE TO MY WIFE?!

ROXY: whoa

ROXY: what u mean there

KANAYA: HE DID SOMETHING TO HER!

KANAYA: HE HAS CORRUPTED HER IN SOME WAY!

KANAYA: I KNOW ROSE! I LOVE ROSE!

KANAYA: SHE WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO ME!

KANAYA: SHE WOULDNT DO IT TO ANYONE! NOT UNLESS SHE WAS UNDER DURESS IN SOME WAY!

KANAYA: ITS DIRK! ITS *ALWAYS* BEEN DIRK!!

KANAYA: HE IS BEHIND THIS! ILL GET HIM FOR THIS!

KANAYA: ***I SWEAR THAT I SHALL MAKE HIM PAY DEARLY FOR STEALING MY BELOVED WIFE!***

ROXY: :o

KANAYA: JADE!!!!!

KANAYA: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!

KANAYA: WHY DOES DIRK HAVE TO BE STOPPED?! WHAT DOES THAT *MEAN*?!!

KANAYA: HOW DID YOU LEARN OF ALL THIS?! TELL ME YOUR SECRETS DAMN IT!

JADE: um... k-kan... kanyayaya...

JADE: argh! p-please! s-s-stop shaking me-e-e-e!

KANAYA: IM!

KANAYA: Im Sorry

JADE: when i was asleep, i saw things...

JADE: and was visited in my dreams by the old muse who once helped us

JADE: callies ghost double

JADE: and...

JADE: there was so much

JADE: all these memories from different timelines and such

JADE: sad memories, visions of death and sacrifices... a great battle with lord english

JADE: it was so overwhelming and hard to make sense of

KANAYA: Yes Yes But What About DIRK

JADE: im trying to get to that!

JADE: the thing with dirk is...

JADE: is...

KANAYA: Jade?

KANAYA: JADE???

ROXY: aw no

ROXY: not again with this shit

KANAYA: JADE! NO!

KANAYA: PLEASE SNAP OUT OF THIS...

KANAYA: THIS *GRIM CONDITION* OF SORTS

KANAYA: I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

ROXY: kanaya pls chill

ROXY: ive seen this before

ROXY: theres no breakin her out of this

ROXY: except uh

ROXY: i guess by doing what dirk did?

ROXY: shooting her and wakin her up and...

ROXY: man

ROXY: poor jade :(

KANAYA: Yes Poor Jade!

KANAYA: Poor Me!!

KANAYA: Poor ROSE!!!

KANAYA: POOR EVERYONE!!!!

KANAYA: FUCK DIRK!!!!!

KANAYA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

KANAYA: He Has To Be Stopped...

KANAYA: He Has To Be Stopped...

[bubsub69]

Entry 32

21/11/2023 00:01 Well, I guess its official now… alone again… or im gonna be her ocasional booty call, which i guess isnt bad, i just have to manage my expectations with her, have a purely sexual non romantic relationship…

I honestly took it better than i thought it would, i dont know if i remembered to mention it but on the day i made the booty call realization and i was running late to school i got angry at traffic as per usual, and after straight up screaming at a dumbass driver in the middle of the road i started crying really hard in my car, and i guess i got all of my sadness out at that point, which i guess is better than suffering for a long time. Still it makes me question if i actually loved her if i got over her so easily… i guess love is a strong word for someone ive talked with only on a couple days on pretty much exlusively sexual topics, maybe i grieved on thoughts of what could be maybe i was really sad for losing her and im overthinking it

its not like all hope is lost though i guess, theres still that slight chance that she suddenly got 1 morbillion surgeries back to back and when shes done with those shell have time for me again, or maybe i should stop making fanfics in my head and accept ive been ghosted/only being used for sex with increasing rarity.

I really wish i wasnt the one that has to start conversations with people, i talked to a couple people for non sexual purpose, and it kinda sucks that i have to be the one that starts conversations, or else theyll just die off, i wish i could have someone text me… asking about me… caring for me… I hate grabbing my phone and seeing no notifications, except for reddit comments and shit I changed the notifications for J and the 1 (one) time i got to hear it made me so happy. Maybe i really should talk with my cousin again, even if i was not her first option someone to talk to/only when everyone else was busy and was just used to just go talk about her problems..ugh nvm im not really remembering those memories very fondly..but still maybe i should send her a text.. or wait for her to try to call me again, though it has been a couple months since we talked, and even if going out just to talk isnt exactly my cup of tea i guess its still healthy of me to talk to her instead of just stewing on my sadness alone

I wish i could go back to being happy while alone. I dont know what happened to me for me to get fucked up like this… Ive been talking a bit with some guys in college, but its very little social stimulation, and is really boosting my impostor syndrome, maybe i should just get a job and get off this fucking place… what am i saying, how could me relocating and leaving the confort i have here help in any possible way… I gotta learn to be more independent as well, I cooked by myself the other day, which was easier than i thought, so thats good news at least i guess… though it was just boiled pasta and scrambled eggs, but its a step in the right direction.

i wonder how long itll take for me to find someone again… another half year? maybe a full year this time? would i even be able to manage that? im starting to get really sensitive to any cute couple stuff online.. seeing this https://www.reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/comments/17xfnhx/daydreams_of_being_able_to_pick_my_partner_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 really ruined my day when i saw it…

Maybe i should just bite the bullet and try to meet people irl.. as scary as it is and as clueless on what to do as i am. thing is i suck at talking face to face with people, im so fucking akward, and its hard for me to make conversation on normal topics. but i dont think an online relationship would be as good as a physical one, especially with how touch starved i am. Ideally wed meet online first and then go irl, but its rely hard to meet someone from nearby on the internet… besides D i guess

I should just jump off a fucking bridge shouldnt I? what the fuck am i even doing here? im just in college because i dont want to work, i probably wont be able to function as an adult when i graduate, I got no friends to enjoy life with and im sick of living under my parents roof but i wouldnt last a day outside of it…what the hell do i even do? all i want from life is happiness and for some reason i cant even have that, i dont even know if its socializing thatll help me. sometimes after leaving classes and having conversations with people im anxious to run off and be left alone, so if its not that what is? have deeper conversations? have more casual conversations? have conversations that arent school related? well i guess that could help, the one time i talked of a non school topic it was enjoyable. But its hard for me to do that as well, i cant initiate it because im scared of being annoying, sometimes when i crack a joke with my db group it falls really flat, which obviously doesnt mean i should stop making jokes overall, i should maybe just save them to a diferent audience, but my self esteem is already in the shit and this doesnt help, plus theres a really funny guy that for some reason i really want to try to be as funny as, maybe i just want to be as confident as him, it definetly wouldnt hurt to be a sad sack of shit that constantly pities himself.

Wow just realized i mentioned all the women that hurt me this year lol…well majorly hurt because i trusted them, ignoring the fucking findommers and the people that ignored me and the infamous we dont vibe based on the opening sentence you sent me. why did i go look at my fucking pathetic chat history, what is wrong with me, i know itd just make me more upset and i went to check anyway

I might repost my ad again when im 100% sure J has ghosted me since its been the most successful experiences ive had, even if they ended in hearbreak, maybe third times the charm. I should probably try to change it this time, its a miracle a shitty ad like mine caught any attention at all especially from 2 wonderfull girls like them. Ill just keep trying more femdom personals and stuff, though ive really lost a lot of motivation for trying to talk with people

Fuck me i spent an hour and a half writing this shit when i was suposed to be writing the db report, god i hate my useless ass

[behindbrowneyezz]

It's funny how time changes things isnt it? One minute you're super close to everyone around you, you're busy with work, extra activies, extra chores, maybe you try to sleep in an extra few days that month...then before you know so many things have changed. I feel bad that tomorrow is Indys birthday tomorrow and no one is really trying to hang out. I just feel like over the last year shes done nothing but expect us all to do what SHE wants...now everyone's tired and dont want to go and spend a ton of money on a night out when we can be at home doing the same for not even half the price. I love her, but life is hard as it is. WHY can't she be a better friend to us all? I'll never get it. Weve all been so nice to her as well and i think she just MUST have control, but the thing is we all just want to be able to be ourselves. I feel bad, i feel like Sarah is always going to break down and do what she wants...even Fernando. Im pretty sure that's why she gets upset with me, because the second i feel like youre trying to be in control of me..or make me feel less then, i just wont come around. Its actually that simple for me. I have such a hard time being around most women that are older then me. I also feel like mr. dub is literally constantly lying to me. I cant stand it. Ive never met someone so exhausting to be around besides my own blood relatives. i suppose that's used to draw me to him. I used to love how much he reminds me of my father. ..now all it does is stress me out. Its a drag actually. Looking back im not even sure why i clinged on so tight, besides the fact that he truly reminds me of my dad. the devil. I hope one day i can forgive them both for all the pain they have caused me over the years. It's even more exhausting to constantly relive through all that pain. I think my dad used to be one hell of a man. He was full of courage, love, and excitement. He hated people but he would give the shirt off his back if he felt like he should. Sometimes i wonder what really happened in his head in 2010...what made him so unhappy all of a sudden...was it really his marriage to Angela? Was it money? Did he really hate all of us at home all the time? or did he hate the fact that we weren't home enough? I wish he wouldn't of shoved me away so much. Some days its hard to love myself because i wonder why he raised me to be someone he was going to hate for the rest of his life. Its funny too, considering he never can go a week without talking his mommy. Yet, he expects his own children to be able to live a life without him, any guidance, etc. I wish i didn't hate him, I wish i could just forget about him completely. Anyway, more on that later...

Also, why the fuck are men so God damn gross?! AND fucking just pathetic most days. I truly dont get it. NO one wants to see you little dick, no one wants to hear about your stupid fantasies, no one gives a fuck about what you look like without a shirt and pants on. I mean good grief....The amount of guys that grossly still hit me up from high school...talking about 'wow i would love to see you, ya know i had a big crush on you back then' like yea yea yea sure sure sure...baby go get off somewhere else and leave me alone. I find it sad. Maybe guys really do have that hard of a time to find someone that they can sleep with on the regular...but truthfully they shouldnt be hitting people up from 10 years ago because they are horny. Its disgusting and sad. SO SO sad. Yall need Jesus. Well thats all for now, im going to go shower and maybe cut my babies hair. <3

you're loved, you dont need your dad or any other man for that matter to tell you otherwise. IM sorry people have always let you down, maybe one day when youre gone, they will actually miss you. stay strong, keep smiling, and for the love of God, finish the lost boy tonight.

XO, Ashh

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

what can I actually fucking do. I’m making him miserable having to deal with this shit. its so uncomfortable him not being my FP. I fully feel nauseous. He does everything for me, and now he’s gotta put up with this ? Idk how to feel better, how to get out this funk. All the alarm bells are going on in my head saying things are really bad and he’s seeing the cracks starting to show. Why can’t I just accept he’s willing to work through anything with me ? The pity party helps no one. But idk how to be constructive in this situation. I can’t make him feel better, I can’t change how I feel. So what.. ? How can I shift my fixation ? How do I stop focusing on Alex ? Could I be forced ? Jordan is able to get me in and out of many a mindset, but I shouldnt rely on him to do anything. But could he get me into a frame of mind where I focus fully on him ? Would that revert my FP back to him ? 

Maybe I should read up some more. Every case is individual but maybe theres sommin I can do to aid. Its on me to do shit. He’s helped more than anyone and I’ve gotta stop allowing him to be THE one to help. I need to be the one. If he wants a competitive Georgia then fine. I’ll do that. No fucking up today. Get tasks done. Focus on positives. No more draggy talks, no more pity, no more apologies. 

I’ve sorted out alot this morning, my finances, my schedule for the next few weeks, resolved the weird beef with Malu, set up seeing family, spoken to my friends. I’ve already achieved alot today and its not even 10am. 

I’m gonna turn it around. I dont want him to have to have another evening last last night. I’m not gonna let myself get so low. Imma put on his song, read up on some stuff. Give him some space at uni and when I’m an 8 or above I’ll message him and tell him that. I’m a 6 now just from getting all this out. I was like a 2 this morning. Big jump. I can set a goal and it doesnt matter if I dont get to an 8, it didnt matter that I didnt get to a 9 yesterday. The pressure of that made it impossible, when I was only an 8 and he got mift that he couldnt bump me up that little higher, thats where the issue was. an 8 was fine. I probs wouldve got to a 9 if he’d been happy I was an 8 and just spent the rest of the eve with me as per norm, I woulda jumped up within the hour, probs even after food. I just need to communicate that better to him. I did my best. I didnt get to where he asked but atleast I was on the high end of the positive spectrum. 

[jeonfiles]

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the  Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite,  however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go. 

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?” 

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat. 

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget. 

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You  [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing. 

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

[spinster-sisters]

Asshole. CS

TW: Dom! san, Sub! reader, Pillow humping, stepping, generally very derogatory and lowkey rude, possessiveness. Im gonna put this here cuz i dont know where else to but this is not an example of a healthy relationship, no it is toxic or abusive, it is implied that they are just two very different people who shouldnt be together.

Your relationship with San wasn't a good one. From the moment you two got together you have been arguing about every little thing, and while the good moments were absolutely perfect the bad was far worse. Many of your friends were surprised you were still together. But despite all the fighting and miscommunications, San was still the only man you could look at, and that was infuriating.

Honestly, the two of you had tried to break up multiple times, but each period wouldn't last more than a week, because nobody else knew you like the other. So inevitably you would find your way back to each other.

Tonight was one of the bad nights. Your mutual friend Yunho was throwing a huge party at his apartment. The trouble had started before you even arrived. The plan was to get ready at San's place at ride over together, but at the last moment, you had decided to get ready at your own home, simply because San always rushed you. You figured that this way he could leave whenever he was ready and so could you. However, San did not see it that way.

You had just stood up from your vanity, having just finished applying your makeup, but a text alert brought you back down to sit.

"Your impossible" was all it said. This made you scoff. It was from your boyfriend. San had always told you that you were too indecisive and flaky, that he never knew what you wanted and it made it impossible to please you. It was probably true, but he was not without faults himself so you still found it annoying.

You chose to leave him on read before making your way over to the party. You were still simmering with annoyance over his attitude while you drove. Eventually, you landed at Yunho's building. You don't know exactly how your friend was able to afford the place as it was pretty big for only him and his roommate, but it certainly allowed for fun gatherings.

You were buzzed up and not too long after you were at Yuhno's door. Only seconds after knocking, you could hear the music and talk from outside, the door swung open to reveal the tall man.

"Hey!" Yunho cried, pulling you in by your arm. Yunho rarely drank more than one or two beers at his party so he could keep everyone in line, so it wasn't a surprise when you found him still completely sober.

"I almost thought you weren't going to make it!" The tall man spoke swinging and arm over your shoulder for a side hug. You smiled into it.

"Yeah sorry, I was running a bit behind," was all you said.

"When San showed up without you I thought you had canceled," your friend spoke while pulling away from the hug.

"Yeah, well plans change" you replied. You had thought you hid the contempt well enough but Yunho knew you too well. He gave you a questioning look but you changed the subject.

"Where is he anyway? You asked. Yunho only pointed into the living room. Your mood only darkened. There were tons of people but you could still see your boyfriend clear as day sitting on the couch with at least three girls hanging off of him. This was one of your problems with San. No, he had never cheated on you, if they tried to kiss him he would push them away, if they made a suggestive comment he would brush them off, but of they flirted with him? He ate that shit up. He said that it shouldn't matter because at the end of the day your the one who gets to fuck him, but the fact he would just sit there and let them feed his ego was pissy as all hell.

You frowned deeply, not even trying to hide this one, and turned the opposite direction into the kitchen for a drink. You could feel the judgment coming of Yunho in waves, but he said nothing. When you reached the kitchen you found the first bottle of whatever and poured yourself a tall glass of whatever. You weren't about to let your boyfriend ruin your night, even after he ruined your mood. So you opted to ignore him all night.

It had been a while. After you finished your drink and allowed it to take effect you moved back into the pandemonium that was the living room. Here was the source of the music and the majority of the talking. You danced lazily to the music, not paying any attention to anyone just allowing yourself to unwind. The pounding base felt nice in your head and along with the buzz of the alcohol you were more than content.

Soon an arm slipped around your shoulders again. This time it was Mingi. Yunho's roommate. You weren't as close to him as Yunho but you could easily call him a friend.

"What's up?" You called over the music, stepping out of the dancing bodies to talk.

"Just coming to say hi, where's san?" He asked taking a little look around.

"Don't know don't care" you replied leaning against the wall. Mingi laughed a little.

"You two at it again?" He questioned with a quirk of the brow. You returned the laugh.

"Call it whatever you want, I don't want to talk to him tonight," Mingi sighed with a smile.

"You two are impossible," Mingi walked away after finishing his comment but his choice of words soured your mood again. You dared to look around for San. Once you found him it made it worse.

It seems like two of the girls had lost hope because the last one remaining was laying it on thick. She was sitting so close their legs were pressed together and her hand was dragging up and down his arm.

You scoffed and turned away before a thought hit you. If he was able to entertain other people then why can't you? With that idea in mind, you set out to find a cute boy to mess with.

It wasn't hard, within minutes of putting yourself out there a guy who clearly wasn't close enough with anyone here to know your situation had approached you in the hallway on your way to fill up your drink.

You both stood in the hallway against the wall for a bit, he was hopelessly eager so flirting with him was a breeze. Slowly you made your way into the living room once again and made yourself comfy with the new boy. No, you weren't as obvious as the girl hanging off your boyfriend, you were too good for that, but it was clearly enough to have him hanging on your every word. At some point, you glanced up and made eye contact with Yunho who only threw you a curious look but you only winked at went back to your nameless boy.

You spoke for a bit longer, playing into him as much as possible as he showered you with compliments. You were happily basking in the praise when a sudden presence made itself know in front of you. You turned, and low and behold, it was San.

His perfect features were screwed into a glare fixated on both you and the boy. You almost let your giggle show when you look behind his perfectly shaped body to see the girl he had been entertaining looking lost and confused exactly where he left her on the couch.

Your satisfied smirk must have shown on your face however because soon your boyfriend's cold fingers wrapped around your chin hold your chin up to face him. He crouched down so you two were eye level.

"You think this is funny?" He asked in a dangerous tone. He only used this voice when he meant business but tonight you were standing your ground.

"Very funny," you replied, managing to hold your smirk even with his hand clamped on your cheeks.

"What the fuck man? Let her go," the boy finial voiced only after recovering from the shock of the scene before him. He reached out to pull Sans hand away before you stopped him.

"You can leave now," you said, not looking away from San. (not like you could) but still very clearly talking to the boy. You could hear the confusion in the silence. Before he spoke again.

"Wait what?" He asked stupidly.

"You can go, I'm done with you for now," you spoke.

"Wait this is crazy what are you-"

This time San in all his severe and intimidating glory turned to the boy and cut him off.

"Hey dick head, I think my girlfriend told you to leave us alone." He spoke with an edge. Having finally got the message the boy got up and left. And San's piercing gaze returned to you again, his hand finally dropping to let his forearm resting on his knee.

"So I'm your girlfriend now?" You asked with contempt. Crossing your arms, and swinging one leg over the other.

"Oh shut up" San replied scoffing.

"I'm just wondering if you told those girls that, that you have a girlfriend. Or maybe it's that you did but they just didn't care because clearly, you enjoyed all the attention they were giving you" the words rattled out of you in quick succession.

"Clearly you're broken up about it. Throwing yourself at any guy who will give you the time of day," he spits back, "if I remember correctly you were the one who didn't want to come together as a couple," he reminded in a scathing tone.

"Only because you are a controlling asshole," you spat back equally as resentful.

"And you're a paranoid drama queen I guess we all have our problems." He shot back. Eyes narrowing even more.

"Well maybe if you have such a problem with it I should go find that guy and fuck him. If I am so annoying then how about I go be someone else's problem!" you almost screamed at him beath heaving slightly when you finished. San stared at you unreadable for a moment.

He stood abruptly, taking you roughly by the arm and pulling you to your feet. He wordlessly dragged you through the crowd.

"San what the fuck let go!" You tried to pull free but failed. Moments later san had dragged you into Yunho's room and slammed it shut before locking it. Your boyfriend turned to you with eyes darker than you had ever seen.

"Never fucking say that again." He spoke dangerously calm. He took two quick steps twords you before slamming his lips onto yours. You reacted quickly, returning the kiss with as much anger as you could. Yeah, you wanted him to fuck you, but you weren't about to let him forget how pissed off you were.

In moments your dress had been pulled over your head and you were pushed onto the bed and Sans body trapped you there. He reconnected your lips. Your kiss was anything but sweet, your teeth were clacking and your lips were swollen. San pulled back once or twice to bite at your bottom lip and pull before it snapped back into place. His hand wound its way into the roots of your hair and yanked.

With your head now pulled away and a dull ache radiated out from your head you groaned and rolled your hips into his feeling him harden through your underwear.

"Your such a needy slut." he spoke with venom while nipping and sucking at your neck, determined to leave as many visible marks as possible.

"Like you aren't?" You scoffed running your nails down his forearms, leaving your own mark on him.

"Shut the fuck up. Do I need to remind you whos in charge here?" He punctuated this with a particularly hard bite on your shoulder. You winced.

"No, I can tell there's no need. I just need to remind you whos slut you are don't I?" He asked in a patronizing tone. "Because your all mine baby, and I am not going to let you forget it."

In a moment he flipped your bodies over and pushed you off him to stand on your own feet in front of where he sat on the bed. You stumbled a little in the process and had to brace yourself on his shoulders. He looked at you unimpressed.

Your arms crossed and your brow furrowed.

"Strip" he commanded easily. You were only in your bra and panties but clearly this was too much for his fully clothed self. You glared.

"You first," you said indignantly. After a beat and a long stare San's hand shot out and clenched your ass hard. You couldn't help the yelp that escaped you.

"Unless you want me to spank you so hard your ass turns purple you should start undressing." He let go of you.

You knew he would keep to that promise so you slowly began to unhook your bra.

"Don't keep me waiting" he spoke in a warning.

You pulled the garment off your shoulders and slid your panties down.

"Finally you learned how to behave" he spoke with indignation. You humpfted unhappily.

"Does my slut, want me to touch her?"

"I think that much is clear," you mumbled.

"Speak up," he demanded.

"Yes!" You groaned. He glared at you for a moment.

"I don't think you deserve it," he replied. Instead, he reached behind himself and grabbed one of Yunho's pillows, and tossed it at your feet.

"You want to get off? Use that." Your stomach filled with dread.

"There is no way I'm doing that," you said, trying to convince yourself as much as him.

"Then I guess your not cumming tonight" he spoke flatly, staring you down. You stared at him in disbelief.

"Go on," he insisted. You felt your resolve slip as the ache in your core grew. Slowly but surely you knelt down and straddled the pillow. In the moments you sat down you were already dreading this. It was far too soft and smooth to gain any kind of fiction without some serious work. You already felt humiliated without having done anything yet.

"Look at me," San directed from the bed. Your pink face turned to look at him. He looked damn good as always, practically glowing in the bedroom haze. You couldn't help but clench the plush between your thighs. One more expectant look from San made you move.

After the first drag of your pussy against the pillow you almost cried at the lack of sensation. It was unfair how little feeling you got from it. But in San's eyes, you could see that that was exactly what he was looking for, the desperation.

You began moving your hips again. You were rutting your pussy against the pillow as fast as you could chasing the tiny bit of relief that came each time. You were already panting from all the work, grunting each time your clit dragged against the too soft fabric.

Slowly the pleasure was starting to build and you could feel the wetness pouring out of you dampening the cushion bellow you. Now that it was wet the material was a bit rougher so you got a little more of the friction you desired. Your eyes meet your boyfriend's dark gaze.

"Not so big now are you? Humping a pillow just because I told you to. Acting like my good little slut. Whose slut are you?" The filth spewed out of Sans mouth leaving you breathless, you were hesitant to admit defeat so you stayed silent. After a beat, Sans boot lifted from where it was planted on the carpet and dug into your thigh dangerously close to your sopping pussy. You whined as he stilled your movements. He pushed you down by your thigh keeping you immobilized on the pillow.

"I said, who's slut are you?" He asked in the sickest sweetest voice, leaning down slightly forcing the eye contact you wanted to break. When his boot dug even harder into you, stinging in the process you finally felt your resolve crumble.

"I'm your slut," you said barely above a whisper.

"Didn't quite catch that babe," he encouraged.

"I'm your slut," the words came out much more forceful this time to the point you almost shouted it. As soon as they were out of your mouth you burned in shame, looking away from the growing smirk on his face.

"All mine," the words slipped out almost absentmindedly. He reached out at cupped your burning cheeks and titled your head up.

"Come here baby,"

You obeyed him eagerly. Your hips ached a bit from the exertion but you stood perfectly still and waiting in front of him. San eyed your body up and down, reaching out to feel up every inch of you. He took special care to play with your thighs, messaging them in his strong hands for a moment. You keened happily in his touch, letting him play with you however he wanted. It helped some to ease the burn but that wasn't his goal. His hand slipped between your legs and slid between your folds.

You realized a shaky moan in response, almost jumping away as you were still so sensitive. But you stayed put.

"My little slut is being so good, letting me toy with her pussy like this." He cooed at you, fueling your blushing face. His finger ran up and down your most sensitive area sometimes stopping to pinch your clit or cup your heat entirely, but never slip inside. That he was avoiding. You felt so empty knowing he was right there, so close to filling you up but still not doing it.

You whined wantonly.

"What's wrong sweetheart," he smirks at you.

"San, please fill me up?" You begged.

"My baby wants to get fucked like a slut?" He asks, one finger prodding your hole but still not entering. You cried out in desperation.

"Yes! Yes please!"

"OK baby," he finally replied in a soothing tone, but the retracting hand made you quiver, you were so needy but you had yet to be given any kind of release and it was killing you.

"Hands and knees, baby"

You scrabbled onto the bed to do as you were told, presenting your ass to him as well as you could with a slight arch to your back. You could hear his low chuckle behind you. You felt him stand up momentarily and heard the familiar sound of a belt buckle to show he was finally undressing. You wanted to look at him so bad but you didn't want to take even the slightest risk right now.

Finally, he climbed onto the bed behind you, cupping your ass tenderly in both hands with a small squeeze.

"So pretty, and it's all mine" you heard him speak. You mumbled in agreement with a nod. You breathed heavily in anticipation, waiting to finally feel something.

In one unexpected movement, San sheathed his cock into you. Your cries were so loud you were sure they could be heard over the pending music in the next room, but you didn't care. It felt so nice to be full.

San was never one for preamble so it only took a moment for him to start to pound his cock into you at an inhuman pace. The sound of the music was now being completely drowned out by the cries from you, the grunts from San, the slapping skin, and the obscene wet sound coming from your pussy.

San knew his way around your body so well, it only took a moment for him to find that special spot inside you that had you spiraling, your front half collapsed onto the bed, muffling the sounds coming out of you. It only lasted a second though before a rough grip took hold on the back of your head. San yanked you up by your hair keeping your mouth free to spew filth.

The pain in your scalp returned as your boyfriend leaned down to whisper in your ear through his own panting breath, still nailing into your hole.

"Don't you dare, keep your head up and let them hear just how much of a slut you are for me." He spoke deadly serious. Your reply was a loud cry of his name that echoed around the room.

His focus returned to fucking you to tears, which is about where you were as you felt the first pricks of wetness in the corners of your eyes.

San was speaking again,

"Whos are you baby? Tell me who is it that's fucking you this good?" He practically shouted the words at you, his cock was sliding deliciously in and out so quickly that before you could even register his pull out he was slamming back in dragging your walls as he went pulling even more wetness out with each thrust. Your eyes were rolling back but you answered somewhat absently.

"Yours San, all yours" after the words left your mouth the first time you couldn't seem to stop, constantly spewing the word "yours" over and over again. San began repeating his reply as well with a little more force,

"All mine."

San removed his hand from your hair but you kept your head up however difficult it was when he was fucking you like that. Instead, both of your boyfriend's hands took hold of your waist, and with this newfound grip, he was pulling you back to meet his thrusts. Each push now had even more force behind it and you could feel your release fast approaching.

"San-" you tried to speak but lost the words in your mouth.

"I know baby, my little cockslut is going to cum all over me isn't she?" You cried out your affirmation when your words failed you.

"Go ahead sweetheart, cum while a fill your pussy up even more."

You finally came and came hard. It was by the will of God you kept yourself upright as your orgasm washed over you, especially with San still keeping pace although it began faltering as his orgasm crashed around him. You felt the sticky cum shoot into you in ropes coating your inner walls, making your orgasm even more fulfilling.

After a moment San stops moving. You could feel him begin to soften inside you but you were still clenching hopelessly against him. Your arms finally gave way and you came crashing down. San kneeled above you catching his breath before falling onto the bed beside you. He dared to pull you close to observe your face.

A sudden smirk arose on his perfect features.

"I won,"

"You asswipe."

[sweetiejunie]

sHE’S brOKen

Summary: I guess this is better than nothing, right?

Genre: smut, angst

Yeonjun x reader

=====================================

You’ve known him for as long as you could remember. You’ve seen him fall in and out of love with so many girls you couldn’t even count anymore. You’ve talked him through every crush, every slump and every heartbreak he’s ever had. And the worse part? You knew he would never fall for you. Why?

Because, you had fallen for him first.

—

“You know what? Fuck her!”

Yeonjun had recently broke up with his girlfriend of three months. He had found out that she had been cheating on him with another guy so no doubt, he ended things. And that’s how he ended up here, ranting to you once again. It was the usual, you sat on the couch listening while he paced around your living room. He had gone through almost ten thousand different emotions in the span of ten minutes. Okay, maybe that’s exaggerating. But you get the point.

“I don’t need her anyway!”

You wanted to tell him how much more he deserved. He didn’t deserve to be cheated on, no one did. Especially him. Three months doesn’t seem like a long time, but yeonjun treated her like he wanted her to be his last. He always did that. Every relationship was as if they were his first love. But time and time again, he ended up in your apartment heartbroken. This boy deserved everything. He deserved someone kind that, for once, would treat him like the king he is. And you wanted to give him that. But you could never admit that.

“I’m fucking done with relationships. I should just go find someone to be friends with benefits with.”

He said this every time. But every time he tried, he just ended up coming back to you crying over his ex and how being friends with benefits wasn’t satisfactory enough for him. Days later, you would see him walking hand in hand with someone new he picked up. And every time, you wished you were the new girl with him, but you never were. It was just an endless cycle. Whenever yeonjun was heartbroken, you felt hopeful that maybe he’d pick you. And whenever yeonjun felt hopefully about his relationship, you were heartbroken.

Sighing, you realised you had been quiet this whole time. Maybe if you said something it would put an end to this. Interrupting his rant, which seemed more like a soliloquy by this point, you took a breath, “fuck sake yeonjun, you say that all the time. You want a friends with benefits but that always only lasts for like a week! You always end up just dating another girl that never treats you right! Either find someone to fuck or find someone better, I wish for once you could just make up mind!”

And then yeonjun went silent. He stood there, just staring at you, biting on his lips. Looking as if someone had just kicked his puppy. Shit.... Were you too harsh? Maybe you shouldn’t have said anything. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him.

Just as you were about to open your mouth to apologise, yeonjun beat you to it, “you know what? You’re right. All my relationships always fail and i guess I haven’t found the right person to be friends with benefits with. I know the point is to have no strings attached but i think i still need to find someone that i know and trust.But this time i think i found the right girl.”

You listened to his words carefully. Realising that his tone was smug rather than remorseful. A smirk pulled at his lips as he made his way closer to you. Your eyes widened as you studied his actions. Once he reached the edge of the couch where you were seated, he leaned down to look you in the eyes, his arms on either side of you, caging you between the cushions and him.

“You.”

You swallowed hard. Coming from him, that word was intimidating, making your heart race.

“I’ve known you for forever, we trust each other and we see each other all the time. I know you haven’t had a boyfriend in god knows how long, you must be really needy by this point. And friends got to help each other out right?” He spoke, the same smug grin still on his face. “Only if you want to, of course.”

A thousand thoughts ran through your head. You knew this was a bad idea. Feelings and meaningless sex should never mix but... you wanted him. If you could never be with him romantically, maybe this was the next best option. The only foreseeable future was one of you being hurt and heartbroken, wondering why yeonjun doesn’t love you the way you wanted him to. But as you mind was clouded with every pro and con you could think of, your body, or maybe it was your heart, acted for you and pulled him into a kiss.

Fuck.

Taking that as your answer, yeonjun grabbed the back of your neck, deepening the kiss. It wasn’t a rough, sloppy kiss. Instead, it was soft, gentle and passionate. After a few seconds, you pulled away. Wanting to tell yeonjun that this was a mistake, that you shouldn’t be doing this but when you looked into his eyes, you saw lust. Lust, that your heart wanted to, so badly, mistake for love.

“Let’s go to my room,” the moment that line escaped your lips, you regretted it. But no matter how much your mind was telling you to stop, your body wouldn’t.

Smiling, yeonjun picked you up bridal style, kissing you again as he made his way to your bedroom. He had been over to your place so many time, he practically knew the entire layout by muscle memory. Throwing you onto the bed, he stripped himself of his shirt. Grinning when he felt your gaze on him.

“See something you like doll?” he asked rhetorically, smugness behind his voice.

Leaving his shirt to fall to the ground, he climbed on the bed, hovering over you, getting you to wrap your legs around his waist. Connecting your lips once more before littering kisses along your jaw and neck, lightly sucking and licking on the skin as he went. Sneaking one of his hands underneath your shirt, he lifted your back slightly and unhooking your bra with ease. Gently massaged your breats, pinching on playing with your nipples until they were fully erect.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” halting his kisses and he looked up to your face.

Afraid that your common sense could kick in at any time, you chose to reply him with a small whine, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, pushing his head back to your neck wanting him to continue. Getting the hint, yeonjun continued with his assult. His hand moving further south, slipping under your shorts. Feeling and teasing you through your soaked panties.

“Baby girl already so wet for me?” He said, satisfied with the mess he’s created.

You threw your head back, whimpering at the feeling. You knew the pet names he was using was just for the sake of the moment but how you wished he actually meant them. It was playing your heart and you hated it. It hurt, but you could get yourself to pull the plug. You really wished your body could listen to your head instead of that thing in your chest.

Yeonjuns fingers circled your clothed clit, adding the pressure you so desired. Watching how your expression changed, he loved the way your mouth hung open as struggled moans left your lips.

“Don’t tease yeonjun, please.”

“So eager. If i had known, i might have thought of this earlier. Get out of your for me will you?” He replied, tugging at the waist band of your shorts. “Your shirt is so thin i dont know why you bother to wear one anyway,” helping you get rid of your clothing, discarding them somewhere in the room.

You had been naked in front of yeonjun before. Not completely butt naked but you two were so close you would practically change in front of each other at times, with zero hesitation. You figured this shouldnt be too different, since feelings weren’t supposed to be involved. But you could help but feel self conscious, this meant more to you than yeonjun would ever know. Returning to his position above you, he kissed his way down your body and stopped right under your belly button and skipping to your inner thighs. Placing slow, open mouth misses until he reach your pussy. Pausing just for a second to admire the glory in front of him, right before placing a final kiss on your clit.

“Fuck, yeonjun,” you moaned.

You had no idea how yeonjun was still in his tight jeans, it must have hurt like crazy right now. Yet, he was still able to keep his composure. While your mind was preoccupied, Yeonjun had started darting his tongue in and out of you, lapping up any of your juices there was, his nose pressed against your clit. Your thoughts cleared as all you could focus on was how good he was making you feel. You knew it was wrong, but it felt so right.

Reaching down, you grabbed his hair in your fists, attempting to pull him closer to you, as if that was possible. Moving his mouth back to your bundle of nerves, he replaced his tongue with his finger, pumping in and out of you at a painfully slow pace.

“Faster, yeonjun. Please. You feel so good,” you pleaded, kicking you head back against your pillow, hoping he would give you what you needed.

“Whatever you want, baby girl,” he replied, adding one more finger and pumping faster, curling and massaging that sweet spot inside of you over and over.

As your moans got louder, yeonjun felt you contracting around his fingers, using his free hand to keep your thighs apart. The next thing you knew, yeonjun pulled his fingers out and crawled back up to meet you face to face, sucking his fingers clean.

“So sweet. I would ask you to return the favour... But you could always do that next time. And i really just want to fuck you right now,” he leaned down to growl in your ear, “is that alright?”

Nodding, you heard him start to undo his belt. The metal clinking and hitting the floor, follow by the sound of his zipper and his jeans joining his belt shortly after.

“Shit...,” you heard him cuss.

“What?”

“Do you have condoms?” He asked, you could tell he was frustrated with himself.

“Don’t worry, I’m on the pill,” you assured.

“Oh? Were you expecting this? You’re filthier than i thought.”

His statement made you blush. Well, you weren’t expecting this specifically. But you did hope one day it would have got to this, just in a more romantic way.

Lining himself up with your entrance, he rubbed the tip against your folds, gathering the wetness from your previous orgasm before slowly sliding just the tip in. His leaned down, kissing you again to distract you from the pain as you moaned into his mouth. Giving you a minute to adjust before pushing all the way in, groaning at how warm and tight you felt around him.

“You feel so good. Are you alright?” He asked, seeing your eyes screwed shut, your mouth agape, your breathing heavy.

A nodded a second after he asked, wanting him to start moving. You knew shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as you were, but you couldn’t help it. The stretch he gave you felt blissful and you just wanted to remember this moment.

Noticing that you were starting to relax and calm down, he took it as a sign to start moving. Pulling out to the point only his tip was still in you and then snapping his hips back. He repeated this action, loving the way your moans echoed in his ears louder and louder the faster he got. Admiring how his dick would disappear in you, coming back out covered in your slick juices. You wrapped your legs around his waist once more, allowing him to hit even deeper inside you. The new angle allowing him to continuously rub against your g spot.

“You take me so well baby girl.”

“Yeonjun dont stop.” The exact opposite of what you should have been staying. “Fuck, im cumming.”

“Come for me baby,” Yeonjun said between grunts, slowing his movements momentarily to help ride you through your high.

A high pitch whine coming from your mouth as you came undone, breathing quickening. Feeling your walls spasm around him, yeonjun knew he wouldn’t last any longer. He thrusted into you hard one last time, burying himself to the hilt before filling you up to the brim.

You stayed like that for a while, your sweaty bodies pressed against each other, lungs struggling for air. After your breathing had stabled a bit, yeonjun pulled out. Sitting back, watching his cum leak out of you. Noticing his stare, you started to get insecure, trying to cover yourself up with your blanket.

“Oh, don’t get shy with me after we just did that y/n,” he chuckled.

Plopping down next to you, he grabbed the blanket out if your hands and draped it over the two of you. There it was, he was back to calling you by your name. You shouldn’t have bothered you as much it did, but the more you tried to shut your thoughts, the louder they became. You rolled over so that your back was facing him. Tears had started to fill your eyes and you weren’t sure why. Well, thats a lie. You knew why. You knew exactly why. Burying yourself further into the blanket you tried to hide your sniffles. But of course, yeonjun still noticed. He always noticed.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, concern laced in his voice. Propping himself up on his forearm, he leaning over you, trying to get you to face him.

Shaking your head, you answered with a simple lie, “nothing.”

“Y/N... if i hurt you, you should tell me. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“No, you didn’t. I promise. It’s... something else,” you lied again. This time turning to face him, giving him a reassuring smile. He did hurt you, just not in the way he thought. And for the most part, it was your own fault.

“If you want to talk about it, you know I’m always here to listen,” he smiled, stroking your hair gently. A feeling you loved over the years. One you got used to, but you knew was nothing more than a friendly gesture.

Once again you nodded. He laid back down, pulling you into his chest and right then, all you could focus on was his heartbeat. How perfectly synced it was with yours. And that was it, the end of the conversation, the end of the night. The next day you woke up and yeonjun was gone. Off to practice you presumed, he always had practice on a Saturday morning. You knew you would still see him later that day, but your heart ached.

Yeonjun was so close, yet so far. Laying in your bed, you realised that maybe you were just destined to be friends.

Huh, friends. You never thought a word could sound so bitter.

.

.

.

=====================================

Wrote this at 4am one night. Was feeling kinda sad so figured why not make the most of it and write to get my mind off it~ Hope u liked this! ♡

Masterlist

[pinkpudgypearl]

i don’t know if i should write about this in here or if i should stick to only opening up on my little notebook but oh well im fucking exhausted and i need to let off some fucking steam. today was the math final. basically what happened is, i knew how to solve everything. every fucking thing. even though it was actually way harder than the first trial. it really fucking was. but i just didnt have enough time or space on my answer sheets. i even had the answers to some questions in my drafts because i’d skipped them and then remembered how theyre solved, so i basically thought i’d write them in the end so that they’d be seen easily. so that i wouldnt fucking lose their grade. anyways, they took my paper while i was drawing the last function. but i still hadn’t revised and i still hadnt finished answering the little questions i left till the end because i wanted to keep things neat; those questions probably make up a third of my fucking grade. maybe even more. in my first math trial i finished writing everything i knew in the first half hour. i only used up about 3 sheets or so. but this time i still had so much to write but i had no time or space left. this is what i was talking about in my notebook two days ago actually. its how the only consistency i seem to bear is failure. and i talked about how tempting it was to stop trying. how it would honestly be so much less painful to not have to try and still end up fucking failing. i honestly have to wonder why i still keep thinking that maybe,, just maybe, this time will be different. that ill be good. everything i have ever done begs to pose that question. maybe im dumb to still think i can ever be a good girl. i’ll never be one. i also talked about how i shouldnt blame my existence for the way i am. that i should fault the real wrongdoer; whether it be my person, my souls corruption, my putrid form, etc. but honestly,, what else could i have done to have not ended up in this situation. i finished all the answer sheets im allowed. i was literally writing as they took the paper away from me. i didnt take breaks. i didnt just stare at nothingness. i was solely focused on every question as it came to me. i studied hard. i made sure i practiced every idea and how to use it and made sure i used it correctly. i solved exam upon exam. i solved questions i was never able to solve during the year. and i worked my fucking ass off over the past two days and got four hours of sleep in total over those 60+ hours. i avoided breaking down as hard as i could because i knew that that was something that always made my grades terrible. i tried to sin as little as fucking possible to maybe try and get spirituality to aid me with not failing too. the two days leading up to it were spent solely in my room just practicing and making sure i got a handle on everything. i studied pretty fucking hard for this test. and then comes the final day of judgement. i got about an hour of sleep, drank my fucking cup of espresso or black coffee or whatever the fuck it is as fast as i could and ran out there. i was fucking throwing up bile all the way over there and i tried my hardest to keep myself calm and relaxed. moved bit by bit, making sure i took meticulous care of each answer. and i left the ones that didnt completely work out till the end. oh well youre all caught up on what happened afterwards. is it just in the cards for me? that ill always fail? that ill never be a good girl? that ill never surprise anyone with my “abilities”? maybe the reason i cant is because i have none. maybe i was just delusional and i convinced myself that i could maybe have a chance. i guess that kind of behavior aligns with my person. mistaken, failing, delusional, you name it. this couldve been such a great opportunity. i couldve fucking aced this final. i genuinely believe i could’ve and you know that isnt easy to say because i do understand what im capable of now. i had those answers in the draft and the rest were meticulously planned in my head. i couldve gone to that fucking faculty and i wouldnt have had to pay (1/2)

[katarastrans]

i really hate when people say that azula shouldnt get a redemption arc. like i get that not every villain or bad guy deserves one, but azula absolutely does.

before i get into it, it want to say that im not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so i apologize if any of this is hard to understand or is worded poorly. its not completely cohesive or coherent but i just really need to get my thoughts out.

there are a few things that are vital to remember about azula: shes fourteen, shes a victim of abuse and shes mentally ill in a way that is very frequently demonized.

im not saying that these things excuse any of her actions. they dont but these things provide important context as to why she does what she does. shes still under the thumb of her abusive father and shes only fourteen.

ever since azula was very young she’s had to deal with both ozai and ursas abuse. ursa openly disliked, maybe even hated, azula. theres one particular scene in zuko alone where ursa says “what is wrong with that child” within azulas earshot, as azula is running past her and that might not seem like a lot but as someone who has had to deal with similar things its fucking awful and i struggle to believe that thats the only time something like that happened. its obvious that ursa cares more for zuko than azula, and its obvious that iroh(more on him later) also cares more for zuko. 

the only adult that azula has is ozai, so it makes sense that she wants to be exactly what he wants her to be. she does what he wants and acts how he wants her to act. theres a lot more than can be said about azula and ozai but im not going to because its not necessarily important to whether or not azula deserves a redemption (thats not to say that its unimportant to azula and her character, its obviously extremely important, its just not necessary to get into all the details for this particular discussion) and i found that trying to write in depth about this i was unable to say anything i was really happy with. other people can and probably have written about this better than i can.

so azula has never been able to come out from under the influence of ozai. she only has him to look up to.

why doesnt she deserve redemption? what is it about azula that makes people think that she shouldnt be able to learn and grow and become a better, happier person?

now im gonna talk about iroh a bit. iroh was a general for presumably a while. he literally laid siege to ba sing se for 400 days and didnt stop until lu ten died. he is a war criminal as an adult. as an adult who is old enough to have a son who is in the military. he killed so many people and didnt stop to consider that hmm maybe this is a bad thing until someone close to him died. and like yea, thats horrible. its a horrible thing to lose someone close to you but hes activley caused the death of hundreds.

so why do we forgive iroh? to me, hes done worse things than azula. yes, azula conquered ba sing se but she didnt lay siege to it for over a year and he did this as an adult.

well, we forgive iroh because the show has forgiven him. whats more is that the show puts iroh on a moral high ground. iroh is always made out to be right and he hates azula.

he never even put in the effort to get to know her (as seen by the fact that he gifts her a doll, which she proceeds to set on fire because its obviously a ‘well i guess i should probably get you a gift too. what do girls like? dolls?’ kind of gift’ while he gives zuko something he actually likes). 

azula is in a situation that is while different from zukos, is also very similar, and iroh treats her like a villain for it while he only supported zuko. dont get me wrong, what he did for zuko is extremely good. he did a good thing supporting him because he desperately needed that, but azula also needed it and what does iroh do for her? he calls her crazy and says that she “needs to go down.”

this isnt me saying that you should hate iroh. hes important to the story, does good things for zuko and is interesting (though hed be much more interesting if the show actually acknowledged his flaws instead of making him the moral authority of the show -_-). its just kind of fucked up how people treat iroh vs how they treat azula.

iroh gets paired with the phrase ‘make tea not war’ (a complete mischaracterization. my hatred for this phrase is unending.) and is treated as some wise old man. azula is routinely called a psychopath. and i get that the show displays iroh as good and azula as bad, but we do also get to see azula in a sympathetic light at the end.

im not saying that the last scene with azula is perfect, but it shows azula as a young girl who is suffering. whats going on is a tragedy. the music is telling us that and then we see her sobbing and losing control after katara has beaten her. i dont like that this is the last we see of her, but i do like the scene because, at least to me, it shows that azula is sympathetic (though she shouldnt have to have a public breakdown to be sympathetic but thats something else) and that shes just a kid in a really shitty position but apparently people miss this. apparently people watch the agni kai scene with its sad music that culminates in a child weeping and still think that azula is an irredeemable monster.

and even if the show didnt show azula as sympathetic to some degree she still shouldnt be treated the way she is by the fandom.

azula is psychotic (said in the actual use of the word and not in the ableist ‘oh she fucking evil’ kind of way. also said as someone who is psychotic). she hallucinates and has delusions and intense paranoia on screen. psychosis is extremely demonized. 

to me its kind of obvious that a lot of the ‘azula doesnt deserve a redemption’ argument is ableist. people will see an abused, mentally ill child and think that shes worse than her war criminal uncle. if you think that azula doesnt deserve redemption please think about why you think that. think about why you dont want her to get the chance to grow and become a better person and to eventually be happy. i dont care if she makes a good and interesting villain, that doesnt mean she doesnt deserve redemption. zuko was also an interesting villain but he got a redemption and stayed a good and interesting character.

anyways to end this: let characters with “scary” mental illnesses have the opportunity to grow and change and live happy lives.

[molusca]

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do? throw herself onto a pyre? is she not allowed to feel lousy that this whole thing blew up in her face? because she's an adult and she made a mistake, she's not allowed to be sad or stressed? she's still an imperfect human. apologizing immediately usually means people are still sensitive to their own hurt of being called out because it's fresh and on their mind so it tends to slip into their apology, but if she had waited any longer to compose herself, you guys would probably have an issue with how long she took. also, in aaaaaallll of this, I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic? I've read her fic and I personally can't see anything wrong, although I will admit that yes, I'm a white ciswoman but I'd like to think I'm aware of negative tropes. but the only thing touted is "it made an mlm uncomfortable" but HOW??? honestly, I want to know! if anything so I can avoid doing the same thing! how is anyone meant to learn when you're not bringing up these points as often as you're explicitly laying out the problems in her apology and whatnot. I've seen 6 posts about how shit the apology was and for why and I've not once seen the original comment detailing why the fic was problematic, and I've been looking on twit, tumblr, insta, and ao3. if it's been deleted, why isn't anyone stating again and again what's wrong? also, if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it. there's one artist that's pretty popular on Twitter and I personally really hate they way they draw klance but it's all over my tl. I respect that person's art style and creativeness and keep on moving. other people enjoy it, good for them. and if I start reading something and get surprised with something I dont like, I leave! find people who write things you like and stop engaging with creators who's things you don't like, as far as I know no one is holding a gun to your head making you read problematic fic. also for as much as you rag on her for the words she used to apologize, you don't seem to be considering your own words when offering criticism. if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully? lastly, no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way (like you should do when it come to kl content creators you don't like). people sending hate in Taylor's defense are in the wrong I agree, and this isn't hate its critism its a discussion, but Taylor isn't responsible for, how many people did you say? 16k on twit? even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense. I see so many younger fans expecting perfection in their fandoms and that just isn't going to happen. yes we should be striving to be better but no one is ever going to be perfect. not you, not me, not the mlm person, not Taylor, not anyone on any side of this argument. the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.- 🦛

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do?

im pretty sure i said its good that she realizes she handled it poorly. but she makes the whole apology about this, doesnt directly talk about the issues and i know someone went to her to talk about it. also, it took her a day to say something about it so it wasnt exactly immediate (in the sense people had already stopped talking about it but that doesnt mean they werent still bothered). the apology was directed at mlm, and i havent seen one saying it felt genuine. of couse she can be hurt but when you apologize to a marginalized group the focus shouldnt be your feelings, but the feelings of the ones you have hurt.

I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic?

she admits to be projecting on lance. so she makes him very femine and keith very masculine. and ok, gay couples like that do exist, but she is a woman projecting in this situation so this bothers people. putting mlm in this position is a harmful steriotype, bc it feels very heterosexual. this is a trope, it unfortunately happens a lot and its harmful. women need to be aware of what they are representing when drawing/writing mlm because well, real mlm are going to see it, and no one likes to feel like a fetish to others. and its not our place to question if the criticism is right or wrong when we are not mlm, so if you read this and think “but thats not a problem thats not a fetish etc” well, its not your place to judge that. theres more to it and you probably could get a better answer from a mlm sorry.

if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it.

please, lets not compare a minority pointing out harmful tropes with. something fucking illegal.

as you said, you are a cis woman, of course its not going to hurt you in this case. but if people are making harmful content its not a simple matter of “dont interact with it” because they will still be promoting it, other people are going to read it, and media influences how we see minorities so of course people will not like when they see bad portrayal of them. also, tumblr sucks so even if you want to just “dont interact with it” its hard because even after blocking you can still cross the content of someone. not sure how it works on twitter but anyway this discussion started on tumblr and tumblr doesnt stop people who were bothered by her to avoid her by blocking.

if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully?

i think she deleted the ask by now, but i dont remember the ask being hateful. i remember someone asking if she was a fujoshi, and another person mentioned that mlm didnt like the way she portrayals klance. i dont remember it being hateful. but again, she apologized for handling it badly. its just that she stops there.

no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way

ignoring world issues is a privilege. if someone is able to turn off from all the problems in the world, its a privilige. yes no one should talk aobut it all the time thats not even healthy, but to never talk about it is a privilege. thats what black people are saying, they cant just turn off from racism, so yes they are going to expect white people to do something. online honestly i cant do shit, i dont think anything i reblog here does a difference and i do what i can in my own country, but she has a plataform that could help bring awareness. again, its a privilege to be able to curate your social media to be a perfect happy place.

even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense.

maybe they wouldnt, but if people were doing this type of thing in my name, in my defense, i would at least say something about it idk. she cant control them but she makes nothing to show that she disagrees or look for the people being harassed to say something about it.

the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.

when it comes to simple things like “i prefer taller lance and i dont like taller keith” yeah, its fine to ignore people who draw taller keith and move on with your life or something like that. but we are talking about mlm, a real group of people, being upset for being portrayed in a harmful and steriotype way. its everywhere in fandom, and in real life. they cant escape from real life, and then they come to fandom where everyone wants some escapism and have to deal with more issues. its tiring