#theyre happy and alive (delusional)

[waluigipinball]

even now all i see is blue

[biosh0ck]

i think i should kill myself not necessarily as a desire to be dead but because i think life is incredibly boring and even moments of genuine joy dont particularly make living 70+ years of basically Nothing and Chores worthwhile. i want to see if theres another universe ill go to. and if theres not then at least i dont have to do laundry and to work anymore

[qiuweyballs]

banana fish hurts me and i love it so so so much ESPECIALLY THE TRACKS because theyre composed in ash's perspective??? you can see how happy and upbeat he is with eiji like its literally them whistling down a street holding hands

and then theres dino's. i feel genuine dread disgust and hatred whenever that comes on in my shuffled spotify (fuck that btw can i just listen to my shit normally????)

in my mind they are together alive happy they own a cute lil cafe in japan and i am not delusional at all

[laithraihan]

I really don't care about whatever someone ships or doesn't & I do believe you that it's not meant shippy & I think that's fine, because it's fiction so you can make up a bond between whoever you like however you like. But that goes for everyone else alike.

Art will be interpreted as soon as you look at it not after digging for the artist's own opinion, so I can't say I'm surprised that people look at it and think it's shippy first. Sure, some were annoying about it I grant you that, but I think it's because it simply comes of hypocritical to act like a ship interpretation is nuts when the art simply does look like that on first glance.

The average MP100 viewer will not interpret a familial bond between these two characters who canonically barely interacted, but you did. (& more power to you) Maybe your average follower will not interpret a romantic implication in your artworks, but others will. (& more power to them)

I really don't think people lack parental love to see it shippy, I think people simply expect parental love between, well, a parent and their child. Not someone you personally declared to be a "weird uncle" to a girl he barely knows. I didn't even want good night kisses from my actual "weird uncle" as a kid idk man.

Again, I don't see the slightest issue with the platonic relationship you make up for them. I just also get where the romantic interpretations are coming from.

Your uncle/niece interpretation sincerely is farther removed from canon than ship interpretations are from your artworks.

Interesting message so I'll answer this genuinely.

To start off: I Never once implied that it was crazy that other people would interpret this as romantic at first glance. I quite literally said that I understood the confusion because these two barely interacted in canon. Which is why Im always happy to explain my intentions. Experiences vary so what one considers normal may not be normal to someone else: I'm very much aware of this but y'all clearly aren't.

When it gets to the point where people say "this artist drew that AND said it wasn't shipping even though we can obviously tell theyre delusional and in denial", that's where the problem is. I provide an explanation, that explanation gets ignored, people either answer "lmao just admit it" or they treat me as if I'm the worst person alive and they refuse to accept they must've been wrong about their interpretations. They proceed to openly "discuss" this (by just mocking me repeatedly, nothing constructive) in a public space where they think I can't see it almost as if they forget I'm an actual person who can come across these messages at any time.

What others ship or don't ship is none of my concern, I stay away from circles I dislike. But when people constantly attempt to force me into "admitting" I'm into something that I have zero interest in out of malicious intent, then naturally it'll annoy me.

I'm sure you didn't really mean to imply that I was merely outraged at the thought of someone interpreting this as romantic if they didnt know every single thing about my headcanons which is why I'm answering you sincerely. So please forgive me for assuming the ones who compared a peck on the cheek to some nonsense like "platonic breastfeeding" have never experienced any sort of familial love growing up 💜

[altheterrible]

Having a job that involves frequently interacting with kids has done me so much good in terms of mental health. Which is annoying, bc I don't like kids, but it is what it is, I guess.

I used to feel a lot of disdain, anger, and disappointment towards younger me. I always thought she was a pathetic failure. That maybe if she had been smarter, faster, stronger, better...she could have stopped the abuse, she could have saved our family from poverty, she could have cured our dad's alcoholism, she could have made our parents so happy that they finally loved us.

But working with kids... I've gotten to know a bit what they're like at different ages. I've never spent a lot of time with kids, so previously my only insight into the psyche of a child was my own--and that has been significantly warped by hindsight and adulthood.

So like, it turns out kids can't do much on their own. They don't know how things work because they've never seen a lot of stuff before. They depend entirely on their parents for survival, and that's normal and healthy. They need help with things because they're learning how to do stuff for the first time, and this is also normal and healthy. Kids can't manage their own emotions yet because theyre still figuring out what emotions are, so they need help, and that's normal and healthy.

All of this was new information to me. And learning it has kind of blown my perspective wide open. I am finally able to see that my parent's expectations for me as a kid were FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

My parents expected me to manage their emotions--i wouldn't trust a kid with my emotional regulation, they're newbs! My parents expected me to save my aunt when she overdosed on morphine--what kind of moron puts a child in charge of that, kids don't know anything???

When I see kids at work, sometimes I think about what my parents demanded from me at that age, and I realized how fucking detached from reality they were. Like, a ten year old kid doesn't know shit, might still think Santa is real, and doesn't understand sales tax. But when I was that age, I was fending off the guy trying to get me to suck his dick behind the dumpster alone because my parents told me to "deal with it."

So yeah, thanks to being forced into proximity with children, I now know my parents were delusional and cruel. Their behavior was unhinged. How out of control did they feel that they thought a literal child would do betterthan them running the show?

And past me? She was a fucking badass. She did so much with so little and she got us out of that dumpster fire of a household alive. She deserves a medal for how good she did protecting us.

And she deserves to finally take a break from protecting.

[inspotlight]

a brain dump for nini's scream verse is below the cut. spoilers are very present but this is also severely canon divergent when it comes to a plot point in the movie. i do not suggest reading this if you have not seen the movie yet. this will also spoil season three of the scream tv show.

the beth and kirby mentioned in this brain dump are specifically the beth and kirby that i write at @maskedsocio and @wylmn respectively

okay so for this verse, nini is kirby's cousin. biologically at least, but until she was 18 and met her dad officially, she didn't know. so she decided that even though her dad wasnt really up to being her dad, she wanted to know his family, bc theyre her family, too, and if he's not against her telling his family that she's his daughter, then she's gonna try to forge those relationships bc family is important to her and hers was always so small, so.

kirby, having been in atlanta, invited nini to come stay with her for a month or so that summer after senior year and nini was so excited. she'd heard about kirby before. woodsboro was a bit far from salt lake city, of course, but she'd heard the stories. she was actually a little stunned when she learned she was related to kirby reed.

so, nini is hanging around atlanta for a couple months, and she meets a girl named beth, who kirby introduces her to. they're not that close in age, there's like... a 3/4 year difference. so basically the sam/kirby age gap (which i think has been retconned a little bit bc its been a year and now theyre saying sam is 26 but she was only only like 22-24 in the last movie, but i digress)

anyway so nini and beth kinda hit it off and then after the summer, nini heads off to nyu. since her ties arent to the scream 5 kiddos im not sending her to blackmore tbh. specifically, she's enrolled at tisch and will be pursuing drama as undergrad before pursuing a cinema studies degree as a grad student. nini doesnt really think anything of beth and goes about her life.

so here's a little canon divergence: beth should def have been dead for like 4 years at this point so im converging the scream s3 timeline w/ the scream 5/6 timelines to make this all work. therefore, after nini leaves to head to school in new york, beth commits her murders, and is "killed" (i still dont believe this and had hoped they were gonna ref her in the movie but... its fine)

so basically, some more divergence, the whole time, kirby was actually beth's mentor. while she was in the fbi, she was also connecting with beth after she was fired and declared mentally unstable (because i will be going that route for these portrayals) so nini is kinda blissfully unaware of this and they write off the atlanta murders as a copycat who was just really into the stab franchise and the true crime story of woodsboro. kirby being in the fbi benefits her because she can cover up any trace of her involvement with beth and she's one of the police officers on the scene when beth is declared "dead" (she's taken to a mental hospital where she will be for a while) but kirby decides to follow nini to nyu and start enacting her own requel/spinoff bc why not??

kirby has snapped and she's ready to avenge charlie, who she kinda sees as her guardian angel. she's definitely romanticizing the guy who killed/almost killed her and in her delusional state, she has convinced herself that they were supposed to die together, but now that she's alive, she should be continuing the legacy.

nini, for her part, is blissfully ignorant about beth's murders and kirby doesn't mention it on the phone. but when the murders begin anew in nyu and kirby comes on the scene pretending to be with the fbi, nini is happy to have her cousin back in town. she gets to know the core four + friends this way and kinda worms her way into their circle. of course, they like her, but they dont necessarily trust her, and like... of course they shouldn't, that's just good logic.

but nini is just happy to hang out with some people her own age who have a connection to kirby. and kirby doesn't let nini in on her little murderous secret, so nini gets attacked at some point and "left for dead", but also kirby calls in the attack bc thats still nini and she's no jill roberts she's not gonna leave her family to bleed out and die.

kirby does survive and there's a showdown bc the kirsch family are still involved, but she frames them all for all the murder so that she doesn't get arrested or sent to a psychiatric facility of her own like beth. but she has plans... she's kinda growing her own little online group of ghostfaces around the world to start a reign of terror. meanwhile nini really has no clue but she's def be emerging as the sidney prescott of this verse when she does realize what's going on and steps up to the plate.

[genshinconfessions]

spoilers!!!

ruu is still alive he's just preparing to go meet venti also all his friends came back alive :D

- karfield

.

it’s true i was there trust me venti’s coming to pick us up on dvalin’s again i can already feel the wind from his wings whoosh whooshhhhh

- katheryne from liyue

[impossiblesuitcase]

Cut, Comb, Detangle, Repeat - part ii.

Chapter 2: Comb (Out Dead Ends, To Make Way For Living)

Thorne (just now): man, its so peaceful here

Thorne: quiet

Thorne: like it was meant to be this way

Thorne: just the four of us on the farm and NO one else

Cinder sat in her solar flare, flicking the icons on her portscreen’s displayed documents. It pinged with a message—probably another from the group chat. Thorne and Cress were visiting the Benoit Farm and he spared no expense in reminding everyone else that they weren’t at the reunion. The chat had been quiet, never wanting to indulge Thorne too much, but his photos had garnered some dramatic messages from Iko and happy proclamations from Winter: “Wish we were with you!”

He had, of course, messaged her privately with some inane question about Luna politics. Their spasmodic conversations ranged from totally nonsensical to serious queries about each other’s well-being to photos of whatever they encountered during the day.

Thorne: Is thaumaturge garcia related to alexander garcia

Cinder: ???

Thorne: You know alex

Thorne: taht idol on jetsetters

Cinder: I’ve never watched it.

Thorne: but like are they related

Cinder: Considering he’s Earthen, probably not.

Thorne: is garcia a common last name on luna

Cinder: Common enough.

Thorne: why are you using proper grammar

Cinder: My retina display autocorrects everything.

Thorne: sad

Thorne: youll never have a cool comm style

Cinder: if i use my port its different

Thorne: aww

Thorne: you switched to your port just for me

Thorne: so theyre not related

Cinder: i really dont know

Thorne: what about daniel garcia??

Cinder: who

Thorne: luna citizen

Cinder: there are 128 citizens with that name on luna

Thorne continued to insist on a connection between the two, and as meaningless as the conversation was, Cinder appreciated the idle break.

Cinder felt her body slumping forward as exhaustion dragged on her. Closing her eyes to dispel the throb from the glaring lights, she lay her head on the desk with a feeling of loneliness creeping into her chest. Normally she was too busy to concentrate on being thousands of kilometres away from home, but in the quieter moments it was hard to block it all out. Especially not when she was talking to Kai, whose sincere smiles and crinkling eyes and habit of running his hands through his hair made her heart clench.

Her port buzzed with an incoming vidcomm and she accepted, not bothering to check the ID or turn her camera on.

“Man, it’s pretty dark on Luna. Complete blackness. Nothing to be seen.”

Cinder grinned goofily. “It’s what my brain looks like right now.”

“What, a no video engaged icon?”

“Nothingness. No thoughts, no comprehension.”

Kai’s chuckle warmed her chest. “And yet you speak. I’m honoured to witness it.”

“To you? Always.”

It was his turn to smile. “How are you doing?”

She lifted her head from the desk and sat up, turning on the video function while ignoring her probably haggard appearance. She doubted Kai would care.

His face brightened at seeing her. The throb behind her eyes subsided at seeing him, only to be replaced with a throb of longing in her stomach.

“Confused, tired, maybe delusional. How are you?”

“Torin’s telling me I need to sleep more, but other than that”—he lifted his hands in an extended pause—“alive and functioning.”

“What time is it?” She didn’t need to ask, as her display could bring it up in 2.3 seconds. But she missed him, and she wanted to believe asking it would pull them closer.

“Late. But I wanted to see you before I sleep.” He leaned forward, looking at her intently as if to memorise her face again. “I miss you.”

She settled back into the chair, her voice dropping in melancholy “I miss you. And you need to sleep, you have the state meeting tomorrow. Don’t let your prep to go to waste.”

“Ugh, Cinder, you’re being smart and rational when all I want to do is talk to you forever.”

They talked for forty minutes after that as Kai prepared for bed and Cinder ignored remaining royal comms. She spent half of it in her office before wandering out to the tall, ancient hallways, Kinney trailing dutifully behind her. The glass windows never cast a reflection back to her, but the mirrors placed at random intervals sought to compensate for its lack.

Cinder caught herself in one such mirror, eyeing the rumpled dress and shambled hair with indifference. She trusted Kinney and the other staff to hardly care what they thought of her physical appearance. Her personal estheticians ensured her skin was prescribed a perfectly tailored routine, but her forgetfulness meant she didn’t exactly adhere to it as well as they would have liked. Blemishes and dark circles and the occasional acne scar were on display in the absence of a glamour, but she was often praised for the authenticity rather than criticised by her subjects.

She normally opted for light pants and shirts (unless Tressa stepped in and completely vetoed her preferences), but today’s meeting with the Lunar Court had her in regal attire. The long lace sleeves reached her wrists and the pleated skirt, though rich with petticoats and chiffon, hung in a slim silhouette. She didn’t pay the getup much attention, but when passing through the portrait hall she spied something similar at the end. Cinder couldn’t help but pause at the flickering image of her mother, stuck in a perpetual smile that made it seem like she was about to start talking. It startled her every time she saw it.

Kai had his port positioned on his bathroom bench as he washed his face. He looked up at the drop in sound. “You all right, Cin?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. Stuff in this place still catches me off guard.”

Kai peered closer at the screen, jumping when he noticed a sliver of the holographic Channary’s head peeking into the corner. “Ah, the creepy portrait of your mother, right?”

She flexed her jaw. “Yeah. I don’t why, but it weirds me out more than the others.” The hall was lined with kings and queens from endless generations. For as grand as the Eastern Commonwealth Palace was, its monarchy was in its infancy compared to Luna.

Kai toweled his neck. “You do look like her with your glamour. I wonder what she looked like without it.”

Cinder shifted to the left, the image changing perspective with her movement. It was eerie, to see the woman she resembled but had no tangible connection to. She felt drawn to look at it, but didn’t know why. It irked her while giving her a distinct impression of dread and longing all at once.

“I guess it’s just weird.”

“I did a double take when I saw it, but, well, it makes sense.” He buried a hand in the towel and pressed it to the bench. “She’s your mother, if anyone were ever to doubt it.”

“Dr. Erland said I looked like her,” she murmured, but turned her head to shake away the abstraction. “Anyway. The woman is dead and gone.”

Kai smiled at her. “And you are alive and well. Thankfully.”

She exited the hallway to wander the private wings and talked aimlessly with Kai. Eventually he expended his final bluffs of things he needed to do in his night routine, and finally admitted to being ready for sleep.

“You should’ve been asleep an hour ago,” she berated softly.

He glanced to the side, lips forming the slightest pout. “I wasn’t ready then.”

“Excuses, excuses.” She yawned, then slowed her steps as she watched him settle into bed. “I’ll let you go.”

His face was forlorn. “Talk tomorrow?”

She smiled. “Of course. I love you.”

He kissed his fingertips and gently pressed it to the port camera. “I love you, Cinder.”

Her heart welled up with emotion as she shut off the connection. They had said their first I love you’s months ago, and though she’d wished it had been in person, she knew they were separated for too long to conceal it.

It wasn’t late on Luna, but her heart had already gone to bed.

Feeling pensive, Cinder wandered to the door she knew she’d been approaching but pretended she hadn’t. Since the staff had first shown her here days after her coronation, Cinder had returned three times. This was the fourth, and yet she still didn’t know why some kind of magnetism attracted her back to it.

Kinney stayed by the door as it creaked open, having kept his respectful distance to not encroach on her conversation with the emperor. She crept into the room and didn’t bother to turn on the lights though the curtains were half closed. It was the same as she’d left it, in that it was the same as she’d found it the first time. Winter had told her that it used to, apparently, have a mirror until Levana stormed in and destroyed it in a fury.

Her mother, the late Queen Channary, was not remembered well in this palace. Other than being flighty, unreliable and wholly apathetic to the country’s needs, Channary was known as a selfish creature, and the memories of her outbursts on servants and merciless punishments lingered as folklore. Cinder couldn’t help it; she’d researched about her mother, scouring for details that could give her understanding.

Channary was a terrible person, evidenced enough merely by what she’d done to Levana. But whispers suggested that she had—perhaps—some sense of morality. She had taken suitors, but not through manipulation. It wasn’t fun that way, she was wont to proclaim. The same couldn’t be said of Levana, whose control over Evret had been relayed to Cinder by the Sir Garrison Clay, mourning over his dear friend. Any sympathy she’d felt for Levana’s trauma fled in her revulsion of how the sixteen-year-old princess manipulated and assaulted the grieving guard.

Cinder paced the room to the bed and sat, smoothing her hands along the untouched sheets. Though her mother was terrible, she couldn’t fight the longing in her chest for a parent. She remembered just before Dr. Erland had told her she was Selene in prison; the very idea that she could have a family, even parents still alive, had blossomed so quickly within her.

Now she knew her mother was evil, her father unknown, but she still felt the sadness of a child stripped of a loving parent.

Perhaps her hurt stemmed from what she’d discovered in examining this room. Beside the bed was the sweetest, most delicate cradle, and the realisation that her mother had cared for her personally struck a dismal chord in Cinder’s heart.

“She died of...regolith poisoning, was it?”

Kinney perked up. “Apparently so, Your Majesty. That was not revealed to the public at the time, but your freedom of information acts have made that much clear.”

She hesitated, not sure what to ask. Not sure what she wanted to know. “...Is that a painful death?”

She could let her retina display give her a full rundown on the condition, but she’d shut off her netlink. She didn’t want to know the horrible details.

“Lengthy, and painful, yes. It causes stress to the individual and their family.”

Cinder imagined her mother dying without knowing why. In pain. She couldn’t resonate with the woman, couldn’t look past her evil, but death had marked Cinder on many occasions. She knew its terror.

But Channary’s family—Selene had been her family. And according to the first hand accounts of maids and housekeepers, Channary had loved her Selene. This bassinet proved that though she may have very well been a horrible mother, she did love her daughter.

———

“Get out!” The screech reverberated off the walls, slamming into the servants as they cleared the way for the queen. She marched readily past the entourage, her face flushing red as unstoppable coughs racked her body.

Phlegm and mucus pooled into her elbow from where she was covering her mouth and soiled her sleeves. She had just reached the door of her quarters when a maid approached and extended her arm to offer Her Majesty a handkerchief.

The queen glared a thousand scalding daggers into the woman’s eyes, and with a single flick at her will, forced the woman’s hand into a choke hold—cutting off her air supply. She held it for five seconds. Ten. Fifteen.

Finally when the coughs threatened to claw out her throat, she released the maid and slapped the handkerchief from her hand. The woman sank to the floor, gasping for air and rubbing her throat.

The coughs grew in worse intensity, and the queen entered her room with a sharp slam of the door. She fell against the wall as the hacking persisted, becoming more and more uncontrollable. It was a despicable, dry sound that made her entire body ache and her lungs scream mercilessly at her. Though she did not know what a diaphragm was, the muscles groaned within her torso, hating her.

After agonising moments where she felt she would surely die, the villain in her throat subsided to stinging wheezes and then sore rasps for breath. Only when the sound quieted did she hear another frequency, just as loud but unheard over her debilitating cough.

The cry of a baby blended with the last remnants of croaks, and Channary finally opened her tearful eyes to source the sound. It was just below her, a tiny figure tugging on her skirt and digging into her feet.

Selene stared up at her mother, chubby cheeks red with tears and wails. The baby was over a year old now, and since she had been able to walk she had no issue toddling over to express her complaints with those in her direct vicinity. Still, she sought her mother’s attention the most.

Channary let her racing heart and the dull throb calm as much as it was willing to. Selene went on wailing, looking up to her mother and waiting for her to intervene. She scooped up her daughter but did not stand, hardly trusting her shaking arms to carry the weight. The cries turned to whimpers as Channary stroked the fine tufts of hair. Her breaths evened out, but were still short, and sent sharp stabs into her sternum.

“Now, now,” her voice cracked on every word, “there’s no need to cry.”

Selene didn’t care much, flailing her arms anywhere they could reach along Channary’s arms, neck and bosom. “Come on Leeny. Lee-ny,” she sung, her voice winded and fragile.

The baby soothed after a few minutes of Channary slowly swaying her. She sat up straighter and went to stand before another fit of coughs overtook her. Selene’s crying resumed, distressed at her mother’s affliction. When both of them fell back into manageable noise levels she stood and trudged across the room. Her feet were dead weights and her toes burned as they dragged along the carpet.

Selene gasped, her eyes redirecting to every point of interest in the room. She pointed her pudgy finger to the mirror where it reflected a rainbow onto the floor. Channary guided them over and Selene babbled as she pressed her hands to the surface, leaving grubby fingerprints on the glass.

Channary smiled at her baby’s infatuation with touching her reflection. She looked at her own and flinched at her sallow skin. She still thought she was irrefutably, untouchably gorgeous, but without a glamour she saw how sickly her appearance had become. Her body was thinner, her shoulders slumping and eyes drooping. Her lips were coarse from biting them and dark bags hung from beneath her eyes.

She still had the same high cheekbones, the same narrow vixen eyes and warmed brown skin that had never seen sunlight. Those features were mirrored in Selene, and she was proud people would see the resemblance between them. A beautiful queen could only birth a beautiful princess. Selene would be her mirror-image, a perfect copy and extension of her mother in looks and beliefs alike.

But even the consolation of artemisian families and numerous men who chirruped of her beauty could not evade the truth. Dr. Elliot had told her weeks ago, but she’d refused to accept it.

She would not admit it was her fault. That night she stole away to the outer sectors for an affair, and then met his friends, and their friends, and found herself having liaisons on the furthermost parameters of the domes a few nights a week. Apparently it wasn’t far enough.

“Mama,” Selene gabbled before it descended into drivel. Channary shifted Selene to her left arm, slow lest she set off into another coughing fit. Her eyes bored into themselves through the looking glass and Channary rested her damp cheek against her baby’s hair.

“You know Leeny,” she breathed and kissed Selene, “I think you’ll be a great queen.”

Selene spat, but Channary didn’t care about the drool now staining her bodice.

She flattened Selene’s unruly hair with a clammy palm. “Not the most beautiful queen, that will always be me.” Her hands rested atop the head for a moment longer. “But a great queen.”

Selene lifted her hand in a fist so it held Channary’s cheek in the softest punch. “You must remember that being queen is a right, okay? You must remember that, hm?”

Channary tilted her head to lean into the tiny hand, and Selene was surprised, eyes widening with heavy breaths. “Remember that…” A burning, sickening cough. “That it doesn’t matter what you do with it, as long as no one takes it away from you.”

Her eyes grew serious, imploring Selene to listen, to understand. Channary had never been book smart, and she knew people thought of her as academically unintelligent. Oh the queen is lovely to have around! they'd chatter. Such a doll, such a character. Her head’s certainly not all there though!

Channary acknowledged this happily. Why read and learn when you could drink and enjoy the luxuries you so clearly deserved?

But if she wished to give her daughter any wisdom, it would be this.

“You’ll be the queen because that is your right. And trust me my darling, they will try to snatch it from you.” Her expression soured. “They’ll try to grab every last thing they can from you, and you can’t let them.”

Selene’s mouth parted, gaping unknowingly. It was so charming it broke Channary’s resolve. “I wish I-I could be there to help you through it.”

She sank into the floor as she dissolved entirely into sobs. She’d denied that she was dying in every second, every worried glance of staff, each irate outburst as her anxiety grated on her. But here, with only her child and herself, there were no excuses, only apologies.

She had never sincerely apologised for anything in her life, each halfhearted condolence undercut by aggression or disinterest. This was her first apology. The first one she had ever meant.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, hapless and pathetic in her crumpled dress on the floor. “You’ll be alone when I should be with you, and I”— a choke escaped her scorched throat—“I’m so sorry.”

It was delirious from there on out. The room, full of useless furniture and trinkets she thought she’d use one day. The bed she’d taken men whose names and faces left her mind as quickly as a fan’s spinning blade.

The queen, always perfect and flirty and gregarious, in a teary heap on the floor.

She cried until her hateful lungs took over and Selene began to cry again. It was even more heartbreaking, that her baby was scared simply because she was. The empathy Channary had never possessed so clear in her offspring.

Channary cried until her eyes were barren, until the tears fell and coated Selene’s wispy hair. She was disarmed by her own transparency, or rather, her usual lack of it. She expressed her anger, but never her fear. People received the brunt of her aggression as a result, but she was the queen. She would be adored, whether people liked it or not.

But she didn’t care about any of them, not the court, not even her annoying sister. Selene though, she loved.

Knowing that her daughter was seeing her cry worsened it all; Selene was the only person that she loved almost as much as she loved herself. She wanted Selene to know that her mother was okay, that she would be cared for.

It wouldn’t last much longer.

The light streamed in and bounced off the mirror just over their heads. Channary buried her eyes into Selene’s hair, hoping it would hide the regret, the sorrow, the shame.

———

Cinder blinked as light cast over her face, illuminating her hair. The ends were orange in the light and the sharp flooding memory of Peony’s words stabbed into her stomach. Her retina display brought back the footage of that day that, impossible as it felt, was only three years ago. The cut had been choppy and immature, but Peony had insisted and Cinder loved her sister—her family.

There was no mirror to look into, but she knew it had grown long. The bangs were past her chin and there was no fringe to cover grease splotches. Cinder’s eye snagged on a hairbrush placed on the vanity. She strode over, her dress brushing the cradle and tinkling the little bells inside.

The brush was silver and embossed with tactile markings, smooth symbols and shapes that Cinder knew were significant but held no real meaning to her. It felt taboo to touch, to acknowledge her mother’s things. Her mother was evil and she didn’t care for her.

Maybe it’d be easier if Channary had never cared for Selene. It would be easy to discard the parent that discarded her. But her mother had loved her, kept her in her room and glowed at the prospect of her motherhood. Cinder couldn’t say that her longing excused her mother’s actions, because it didn’t. She was a torturer, an abuser.

Yet Cinder knew she grieved the childhood she’d never had. She hated that the one time a parent in her life loved her, that woman was irredeemable. No matter the circumstances, Cinder would have never had a parent who loved her that she could love back unconditionally.

Before she could stop herself, Cinder was running the brush through her hair, feeling the soft swooping and wishing she felt guilty for doing it.

———

A week later, Tressa pinned up Cinder’s hair and complained about the length. “You keep pulling on your hair like this and you’ll have permanent dead ends.”

Iko nodded from in front of Cinder as she adjusted the queen’s sash. “It could use a cut.”

Tressa plucked a pin from her lips. “I’ll schedule it in. Oh, do you want bangs?”

Cinder craned her head—to the disapproval of the girls who yelled “hold still!”—and uttered thoughtlessly: “Bangs?”

Tressa listed her head. “It’s your signature look, but it’s grown out. We can cut them again.”

Cinder almost flinched, and Iko’s acute detection scanners noticed instantly. She rested a hand on her best friend’s shoulder knowingly.

Cinder exhaled a long, measured breath. “Sure. Bangs are fine.”

The bangs were cut, and Iko smiled wistfully as they examined the look in the mirror. No words were said as Tressa pottered around, packing away tools and talking to herself. Words weren’t enough for the two, and neither could shed tears in mourning for their lost family.

But they had each other, and Iko’s cold fingers were a perfect comb for Cinder’s mousy locks. The next time Cinder returned to Channary’s room, the brush was placed back and left there.

Notes -

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5

DISCLAIMER - I am in no way condoning Channary as a person. She is literally evil, and I hope I conveyed that. However, a very real experience many children have is trying to grapple with the fact that their parent is a bad person, even if they were loving.

Channary said in Fairest that "being queen is a right", so I wanted to explore that. This post is like a genius explanation so please read it.

tag list: @salt-warrior @cinderswrench @cindersassasin @just2bubbly @zephyr-thedragon

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts & Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Odd Eye”

oh mY F UCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

OH MY F UCKING GOD THE SONG WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS??????????? DEAD ASS?????????????? THAT BEGINNING SOUND ALONE TRIGGERED MY FIGHT OR FLIGHT AND THEN IT JUST CALMS DOWN YET MY BRAIN IS ALREADY F UCKING LOSING IT- ITS THE GUITAR ALL THROUGHOUT AND HOW I JUST HEADBANG WITH EVERY HIT OF THAT DRUM OR WHATEVER THE F UCK FOR ME- pls calm down okay i just……………………… leez…… ollounder…………… i oWE YOU MY LIFE- the way the prechorus is so FAST???????? like whaT IN THE ACTUAL F UCK the way it hypes me up with that instrumental the DRUMS GOT ME BOUNCIN AND S HIT AND GET SMACKED IN THE FACE ODD EYE I SWEAR TO GOD I FELT A NEW EMOTION AFTER THA- AFTER THIS WHOLE SONG TO BE HONEST-

THE?????????????? LINE DISTRIBUTION?????????????? IS SO SE*Y?????????????? THE IMMENSE POWER IN SIYEONS AND YOOHYEONS VOICES I CANT- ACTUAL SUA RAPPER CRUMBS idc what yall say minuscule sua rapper crumbs THE AMOUNT OF HANDONG AND DAMI LINES IS F UCKING DELICIOUS 😩😩😩 HANDONG VERSE CHORUS AND BRIDGE?????????????? DAMI BRIDGE??????????????? ‘LIVE IT UP’?????????????? BICTH IM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

forgot to do this for boca so imma do it here kinda

YES YOOHYEON START THE SONG

THE AMOUNT OF HANDONG?????????????????? I CANT BREATHE??????????????????????

and ofc her ooOOOooOOO-

sua rapper crumbs idc idc-

YOOHYEON AND SIYEON BEING QUEENS OF CHORUSES AGAIN ESPECIALLY THE LAST ONE GO👏OFF👏

jiu ‘no more utopia’ AND sua ‘no more utopia’ pls took me three (3) tries to type ‘utopia’

LIVE IT UP YOURE SO RIGHT QUEEN YOU BETTER RAP YOUR HEART OUT

JIU AND HANDONG CHORUS

THE F UCKING BRIDGE CHANGED MY LIFE

okay for the dance i will be using the mcountdown fancam BC I DO WANT THE F UCK I WANT 👁👁 I JUST WANNA SAY i lit rally CANNOT believe how stable they are dancing LIKE THAT™ thE POWER THEY HOLD ANYWAY as always the dance always S L A P and is literally impossible to dance to without feeling like youre absolutely f ucking d*ing and out of breath……………… LOVE THAT

THE BEGINNING EYE FORMATION ARE YOU KIDDING ME-

im delusional but lowkey deja vu clown me idc idc-

THE SUA RUNNING OUT OF THERE THE JIU THE COMPLICATED HAND STUFF

JUST👏THE👏CHOREO👏FOR👏THE👏CHORUS👏BICTH

siyeon doing this

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

putting a bullet point for just that one (1) second of dami doing That™

handong right after…………………………………

gahyeons part with the other members doing different moves my eyes liked it

THE ENTIRE BRIDGE I DONT NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE

like jiu and dami with handong ive literally watched that for five hours-

i just like the way they lined up and needed it to be linked here

THE SPIN THAT K*LLED US ALL

THE KICK THAT SENT US SIX FEET UNDER

S C R E A M……………………………………………………… Iconic™

DO YOU SEE THE BUDGET IN THE VISUALS JESUS CHRIST- the f ucking set up all of the effects!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of the lights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of thE GLOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the black and white set and theyre wearing red…………………… the red and white set and theyre wearing black…………………… that purple and green place…………………… the tree and random nature but everything is so futuristic looking…………………… dunno why yoohyeon is in a graffiti covered restroom but im LIVING for it- SIYEON SURROUNDED BY THOSE TVS DAMI IN THAT TRAIN THAT MULTICOLORED PLACE WHEREVER SUA IS EXCUSE ME- I COULD LITERALLY NAME EVERY SCENE IN THIS DAMN MUSIC VIDEO AND THEY👏ALL👏SLAP👏HARD👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

TIME TO SHOW WHICH SCENES I LIKED

THE WHOLE F UCKING THI-

jk ill name some😊😊😊again id name everything but ill just show one i liked more than others bc this is alreADY TOO DAMN LONG-

this is self restraint btw

I FEEL THREATENED-

helL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF I CRIED????????????????????????

this is here for no reason other than bc i wanted it here-

OOP-

OOP- x2

………………………………… F-

WHY OFC I HAVE TO PUT THIS HERE

ABSOLUTELY…………………………… ABSOLUTELY

OH F CUK-

it was this or the close up shot either way it k*lled me

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

😦

OH NO-

OOP- x3

😔😔😔😔😔😔😔

honestly let me just mention i really clowned and set myself up for heartbreak bc the album is only called ‘road to utopia’ but i assumed theyll find utopia bc thats how trilogies work but then this slaps me in the face- what im saying is im 🤡

T H E M

oK A Y SO THIS POST IS LONG ENOUGH ALREADY LIKE GODDAMNIT COULD I JUST SHUT UP FOR TEN (10) MINUTES PLS- SO HERE ILL JUST SAY ONE (1) WORD………………………………………………

W O M E N™

plus this truly is long enough good god-

JIU

OH BICTH SHE GRABBED ME BY MY NECK RIGHT AT THE START WHEN SHE JUST POPPED UP- lemme just talk about this screenshot for a second the STREAKS IN HER HAIR and THE PIERCING???????? THE JACKET???????GOOD GOD????????? L I S T E N her outfits during the dance scenes the R E D especially jeSUS- its that red one for me im pretty sure some of yall saw me go F E R A L™ on the dashboard about it so i WILL NOT go into it again- and theN THAT DRESS A F CUKING QUEEN LOVE TO SEE IT

SUA

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO BRING UP THE VERY START WITH THAT SLOW MO- RED👏IS👏HER👏COLOR 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏  the dark hime cut………………… the choker on both the red and the black is it the same one doesnt matter im d*ad……………… yo her wavy hair and that dress when it looked like she was in some hair shampoo commercial bicth i liVED FOR THAT- and theN T H I S YES THIS THAT IN THE SCREENSHOT the leather and the jacket the writing on her face i waNT HER TO BEAT ME WITH THAT LIGHT-

SIYEON

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IM LITEREALLY CRYINNG

I SWEAR TO GOD I SCREAMED EVERY TIME SHE WAS ON THE SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pls breathe yes i see that orange coat with the collar and her two different colored eyes and how she is sitting in that chair i see her looking so fine in that red outfit especially near the end of the mv oh mY GOD- those pants yall bringing that style back from boca literally let me bREATHE FOR LIKE TWO (2) SECONDS

HANDONG

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LISTENLISTENLISTENLISTEN my eyes legit started tearing up when i saw her so soon in the mv yall DO NOT understand the emotions im going through to rewatch this mv again and again anD- iiiIIIIiiII CANNOT FULLY EXPRESS MYSELF BUT I JUST WANNA DIRECTLY MENTION THOSE CRYSTALS AND HER HIGH PONYTAIL SHE MADE F UCKING SURE TO SHOW OFF HOW POWERFUL SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOOHYEON

YOOHYEON WITH BUNS??????????????????? THAT LIPSTICK COLOR RIGHT AT THE START???????? THAT OUTFIT WITH THE RED PLAID SKIRT????????? like when you REALLY look at the outfit the polkadot jacket and the tie makes not a lot of sense but she made it woRK!!!!!!!!! okayokayokay her lip ring and dance outfits lets talk about it to be honest its something about that chain that hangs on her torso that makes it really hit………………… but like the entire outfits HIT™ she ripped her pants didnt she

DAMI

I CANT STAND THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me why for literally one (1) second of that ‘live it up’ it snapped my neck???????? it was HARDLY A FLASH OF LIGHT YET IT WAS ENOUGH TO HURT ME- i prefer her short hair but listen the longer hair is making so many points rn- i think i said that for boca too… SHES LITERALLY SITTING YALL AND YET HERE I AM- the jacket the necklace the gloves and then that dramatic spin and the leaves OH MY GOD- DID YALL👏SEE THE WAY👏SHE KEPT👏FEELING👏HER NECK👏👏👏👏👏👏👏!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAHYEON

GAHYEON THE WOMAN YOU ARE- i wanna start with the black hair and thee stickers look bc i wanna buT WE LOVE NOIR BY SUNMI but like i love that look like overall????????????? she literally wears the same outfit for that and this screenshot but the vibe is so different i LOVE this purple color she got going rn and that black hair IS A STATEMENT imma be more open here about it but lowkey i am genuinely missing her dark hair rn- anyway THAT DESIGN AROUND HER EYE WITH THAT RED OUTFIT BRUH DO I D*E-

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (short thoughts and parts i liked)

Intro

IVE NEVER BEEN SO FERAL IN MY LIFE

Wind Blows

this instrumental……………………… holy god????????????? its chill for like a second in the beginning and then it just YEETS you in- imma be real i wasnt sure about that ‘wind blows’ part i dunno why i ……… into it at first but yknow whaT THATS ONE OF THE BEST PARTS DAMIS RAP I SWEAR- but then the prechorus parts are so chill??????????? is it bc its handong its probably bc its handong ‘always be with you like gravity’ siyeon pls- it gives me the same energy as tension and break the wall where i feel like i jusT GAIN ALL THE STRENGTH AND CONQUER THE WORLD yes i saw the dance multiple times it k*lled me every single time

Poison Love

literally what the f uck- when i heard it in the highlight medley i knew i was gonna LOVE this like i cant stand how much i love their sexy bops like dami got me immediately ‘why do you?’ YOURE RIGHT DAMI WHY DO I- you could NEVER go wrong with lower register dreamcatcher NOTHING👏CAN👏GO👏WRONG👏 DAMI AND GAHYEON THEIR RAPS JESUS CHRIST i put my hand on my heart i was so taken aback- maybe i went back to replay it a few times when i was listening to it and then handong……………………………………………………… UH ANYWAY-

4 Memory

JIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE LOVE THE HAPPY AND BOUNCY AND FUN BOP OF THE ALBUM- like ive said this to a few moots that this song just makes me happy and lifts up my mood its the little instrumental parts in the chorus for me i dunno what it is its just pleasant to my ears and then damis rap is so fun like :cccccc cute- like this is a song about the seasons and wanting to be with someone (well jiu help write this is this about like insomnias or am i a stupid clown-) like i REALLY WISH i could express how much i enjoy this song but i would just be repeating myself that its a feel good happy song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New days

DAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE i dunno how to describe the energy this song holds except ‘friendship energy’- its literally the guitar all throughout the song for me LIKE i feel like im just wrapped in a nice hug BUT NOT JUST ANY KIND OF HUG its the kind that the other person opened their jacket and theyre holding me and their jacket is around me listening to this song yall i kinda wanna cry i dunno- everyone sounds so lovely especially jiu pls her voice is so soft and DAMI OFC HER RAP GETS A HELL YEAH™ FROM ME like the ‘find you’ AND THEN AT THE END ‘FOUND YOU’ IM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 (if yall cant see its the pleading puppy eyed emoji)

LIKE WHAT A WAY TO START THE F UCKING YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so in awe of everything about this as SOON AS SOON I SAY i saw the very first photo teaser and i COULDNT STOP LISTENING TO THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY AND THE TEASER WITH THE SUITS AND THE DRINKS IS STILL LIVING IN MY HEAD- alright alright ill calm down for this part but its one of my FAVORITE ALBUMS FOR👏SURE👏 like i really cant think of any criticisms regarding anything about it!!!!!!!!!!!! since im posting this after promotions are over (odd eye promotions anyway) i will just say im EXTREMELY proud of what we have accomplished as fans and what the girls have achieved during this era!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was hella wild all around and i am once again saying that im very happy to be an insomnia <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

and ONCE AGAIN JUST ONE (1) MORE TIME RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 

IN CONCLUSION: THIS ALBUM TAKES ME TO AN ENTIRELY NEW WORLD AND IM GONNA LIVE IT UP

AND AS ALWAYS:

[doomstypewriter]

abt the last ask: u dont have to include it ofc (if u write it at all) but i thought id let u know that its based on the mental image i suddenly had of j climbing up to pats window, knocking on the shutters, pat pulling him in by his lapels and immediately kissing him (if you can even call it that with how hard theyre smiling) & then sometime later pat hearing like his dads footsteps coming toward his room as theyre making out so pat scrambles off his bf & shoves him in his closet (the irony)

Anon, finally, here you have it, but with a twist. This got completely out of hand, as per usual when I write anything. Since you were so nice (/li) to send me your request in two parts, I will actually break your prompt into two parts, otherwise, it’s never going to end. I hope you’re pleased by the first part, also, I am answering to this first because it matches the content of the first part. 

Thank you so much for your lovely prompt! Hope you enjoy! 

If anyone wants to be tagged for this let me know in a comment!

AO3

Chapter 2 >>

We call it an affair because it’s a forbidden romance

Summary:  An encounter in the dark. The disdain of society. A forbidden romance. Royalty is involved and a title is at stake. Will an aspiring count, Patton Morandi and his rogue lover Janus overcome the barriers laid in front of them?

(We're in it for the drama)

---

“So long away and what I least expect is not you saving my life, but finding myself having missed your nonsense”.

“Is it nonsense when I make you smile like this?”

Word count: 3848

Pairings: Moceit, future Prinxiety.

TW:  Homophobia, internalised homophobia, deadnaming a trans person, misogyny, mentions of religion, hopelessness, ideological things you would expect from the period (I'm not sure if there's anything else, but please tell me).

Chapter 1 of 2: 

Balcony kiss

How the moonlight shone in its quiet dance with the nightly air. It was a mostly clear summer evening, the second day of the week-long festival. The sounds of music and colourful lights could be heard and seen from the distance, but gradually decreased as a certain thief made its way across the gardens of Villa Morandi. For certain, the head of the family would not be excessively happy about the entire ordeal, but no disgruntlement could come out of those things of which one has no knowledge of, and Janus surely intended to keep his entanglement a secret. 

He crossed the bushes and jumped over marble balustrades expertly, careful to avoid the lights of the servant quarters, where their residents were reading themselves for departure. 

“Signor Morandi seems to be in good spirits lately, it is fortunate that most of us can leave for the festival”. 

Any news about the man was something worth listening to, given his situation, so he decided to stay and see if they mentioned something useful. Also, he, admittedly, enjoyed gossip. 

“Loretta! Don’t be such a bragger in front of us!”

“Why? I’d say the only one lamenting not being able to go is you. You should be ashamed for dragging poor Virginia in with you to make yourself sound less self-centred”. 

Janus silently nodded. 

“That is not true! I am merely trying to make the newcomer feel welcome! And here you are making her feel excluded, who is now in the wrong?” 

Weak retort, wannabe-partygoer, he thought. 

“Va, va…” the other maid answered dismissively “Quit holding her like that! Don’t you see she’s uncomfortable?! Povera bambina”. 

“Come on Virginia, don’t you think it’s a waste for such a wrinkly woman to be let out instead of us?” 

“Who are you calling old?!” 

“You did, but now that you so kindly brought it up, you are old! Turning wrinklier by the second!” 

Alright, at this point, Janus could not help but be rooting for Loretta, going for the old card was the low-hanging fruit. 

“I may be your senior, but I promise you that regardless of that nonsense about wrinkles you’re babbling I’m ten times more fair looking!”

“Ah!” she exclaimed with feigned indignation. “Can you believe her? She’s delusional!”

“Well then, the delusional one will not search for a man at the festival, such a pity I will not be introducing anyone to you this week!”

He smiled at the comeback. Way to go, Loretta. 

“Loretta! Just because you had the luck to get engaged doesn’t give you the right to rob others of their chances. Don’t be so mean, I’ll apologise if I must”. 

“Alright, but never dare call me wrinkly again, for you will owe this old woman when I find you a husband. Virginia, I can help you too if you want it, I know plenty of young lads who would love to…” 

“Oh, no, I’m not really interested”. 

At this point Janus had quenched his thirst for amusement and begun to lose his interest, having more pressing matters to attend to. But, one new comment made him reconsider the usefulness of his eavesdropping for longer on the ladies’ conversation. 

“That’s right, Loretta, don’t you see she’s here on official duty. To suggest for her to slack off with men… ts, ts… “

“Oh, you shut up! Don’t fret, Virginia, dear, I should have remembered you were sent for an urgent matter”. 

“True, true! Tell us if you can, is it as they say? Was her ladyship done in by pirates?” 

“Elda! Such crude language, you dare call yourself a lady, how can you say something so insensitive?”

“What? You want to know as badly as I do, besides, if it is true, then there is no changing it, and if it’s not then it’s fine, as her ladyship is still alive”. 

“I’m so sorry, Virginia, just ignore her”. 

“Don’t worry. As far as I’m willing to say, her ladyship still lives but I cannot disclose any further information”. 

Oh. 

No. 

When one spies on others, bad news exists as a possibility, but, usually, in the form of getting caught. This happened to be worse. Being spotted? That he could deal with. Having his heart ripped out after one stellar month? Not so much. 

He ran. 

Not from his problems. More or less towards them. 

The marble balcony seemed as unreachable as ever. A sense of dread loomed over his thoughts, while a mix of feelings, now turned into urgency, settled in his heart. 

Raising a hand Janus willed his trustworthy companion to fall from the nightly skies. Meanwhile, he began to climb the walls of the manor. There was an undeserved elegance in his motions, not becoming of such an honourless goal, and, nevertheless, fitting for a thief like him. 

The hawk swept inside the room from a window and cast the doors to the balcony open. 

Janus promptly grabbed onto the bass of the marble balustrade. One month ago he had received news of something that would simplify his life. He knew he should not care, it was going to end poorly no matter what. But, rereading two months worth of love letters and hoping for an uncertain future, he could not help but feel happy. That made his resolve to return in time for the festival. 

From the room came a sound of rushing footsteps. 

Three months of yearning to see a face again. 

That image made Janus more desperate, and, in his haste, he committed one fatal mistake. His grip on the marble slipped. At a thirty feet height, the ground beckoned him. 

But, just when his doom seemed so certain, he was caught by the front of his cape and safely gathered against a pair of lips. 

With such smiles stretching their faces, it could barely be called a kiss. But, the intensity of the affections behind it rendered the notion meaningless. 

“My love”, Janus muttered as they parted ever so slightly. 

“You scared me, silly. I miss you for three months and when you’re returned to me I almost lose you for good”. 

“Let’s be happy you were there to catch me”. 

“Thank the Lord, and if He wills it, I will always be”. 

“I ought to be grateful to you, my dear, not the ones above” he answered while stepping to the safe side of the balcony. 

“Well, our poor feathery friend can’t be too happy about that” Patton laughed dismissively, gazing at Janus’ hawk. 

“You’re right. I neglect to show my gratitude, perhaps you could give me somewhere to start?”

“Oh, but how can I hand you my room, my sweet, the stones of the house are too heavy!” 

“So long away and what I least expect is not you saving my life, but finding myself having missed your nonsense”. 

“Is it nonsense when I make you smile like this?” 

Janus laughed in delight. 

“Let me make you smile in turn, then”, he said, whilst extending his hand. 

The touch of Patton’s palm felt like a warm pressure through the barrier of his leather gloves. Perhaps all of his interactions were as imperfect as their naked hands not being able to meet. Janus’ fake gallantry, their hopes, may be short-lived in the face of change. But, for now, he would rather enjoy pretending. 

He pulled Patton to the inside of the alcove. 

“Are you refined now?” Patton laughed. 

“Of course, I have always been. Whatever could lead you to ask such a question? If I were to be a thief, which I am not, I would be the most honourable”. 

There was a certain amount of delight to be found in catching his lover in the midst of changing into his night robes, judging by those being laid out onto the bed’s ostentatious covers. Despite such a degree of luxury surrounding Patton, he still refused to task any servant to dress him. What was there not to love about the man? 

Patton made a motion as if to hold his hands, only to surprise him by pulling his gloves off. Any other person, and it would have been a display of sensuality, coming from him, it was like movement turned into honey, perhaps a mixture of both. Indeed, there was everything to love about him. 

Maybe not all. Janus dreaded to admit how deep in he had allowed himself to be for this man. 

A fool for a good man. 

His hands felt the light night coldness in their grip on the linen shirt. Janus almost wanted to chastise himself as the thought of kissing away the kiss of the midnight breeze came to mind. He hid in the curve of Patton’s neck, sliding his lips along it, feeling like a coward whispering a lie. Countless lies. Telling himself this was enough, that he could bear the thought of this man taken away from him by a woman, that the thrill in this forbidden form of vice was not his worry taking yet another disguise. 

“Oh, you’re a thief alright”. 

“Is there something of yours I happen to have taken?” Janus retorted with a vague tone of amusement. 

Patton cradled his left cheek in a firm request to see his face. Who was Janus to deny him? 

“You know all too well you have”. 

Oh. 

“Well, that would make two of us”. 

Patton’s expression melted into more honey. It always made Janus unsure as to whether he had made a mistake, no matter how unfounded the doubt was. 

“Thank you” the words rebounded in proximity against the other’s lips. Janus didn’t know Patton could also be cruel. 

“A little sincerity never hurt anyone”. 

“You are not anyone” he smiled softly. 

“Then make the pain up to me”.  

Both their lips made contact like a wax seal on a letter. Janus pushed Patton against a low piece of furniture. From how the other fumbled, he could tell a corner was pressing against him. Despite the sting, Patton still committed himself to their affections. If that wasn’t a metaphor for their relationship Janus didn’t know what it was. Janus knew Patton would disagree, of course. 

It seemed that exchanging one piece of furniture for another, the bed, would not be possible. Someone was knocking on the door. 

“Janus…” Patton panicked in a hushed voice.

“Not a problem, my dear, this is my speciality” he smiled at him. 

Janus’ feet almost flew over the carpet, muffled by the Persian fibres and his expertise on avoiding the parts of the floor that creaked. He turned the key of Patton’s wardrobe without the distinctive noise most people couldn’t avoid. Luckily for them, he wasn’t most people. The door mysteriously closed itself from the inside. Janus could swear to hear Patton draw a breath in wonder as to how he had done it. 

“My son, let me in!” a voice came from the corridor. 

“On my way, father”. 

The mule-like bray of the alcove’s door hinges Janus detested preceded the sound of a set of footsteps he knew and loathed just as well, if not more.

“Were you reading yourself for bed? Ah, do not answer, I can already see your night robes over there. How many times need I tell you, call the servants to dress you, it is unbecoming that you do not. Moreso with the status you are to acquire”. 

Janus almost scoffed upon hearing it.

It wasn’t that Janus outright looked down on Signor Morandi. He certainly held an admirable reputation and an even more admirable wealth. He contributed to the church, upheld his honour, was a patron to a few talented artists and did everything expected from someone of his status. By societal definition, he was an outstanding man. But, he could never understand Patton. Yes, Patton’s behaviour in public also stood to scrutiny. He was a young man to be admired, for sure. Yet, it somehow mismatched any other person’s strive for reputability. Patton lacked this performative quality, eagerness, if you will, that he found time and time again in people. 

At first, Janus struggled to comprehend it. Everyone had desires outside of the strictly polite, they either pretended they didn’t or tried to hide it, that’s why they paid the church, after all. Janus didn’t believe people made an effort to actively align with the global canon for morality, just to look like it or deceive themselves. This theory on society made it so when he met Patton he simply dismissed him as a try-hard, later to relabel him as self-deceiving. Maybe he was a victim of his own biased cynicism. 

As they grew closer, he started to get the whole picture. To his surprise, Patton tried to get his desires to align with what he perceived as morally correct, sometimes failing miserably. Janus’ presence in his room didn’t qualify as a success by society’s criteria... Patton’s effort to be ‘good’ did not come from a place of wishing to be perceived as such. Patton didn’t want to look good, he needed to be good. A good man. The realisation was hard to process but true. 

Once he understood that, Janus could not let go. It stands to reason that, if that kind of person were to earn his affection, someone like his father would awaken his spite. Signor Morandi had simply never made an effort to understand his son’s motivations, unlike Janus. If he was a cynic, Patton was a victim to his own good intentions. 

“I do not understand”. 

“Lady Renata Regio is alive”. 

“Oh”. 

“Yes, it is most fortunate, you will no longer have to stay inside and miss the festival”. 

“Well, father, I am not sure if that is appropriate, her ladyship must be feeling poorly after such a horrid experience. Perhaps it is best if I stay in and promptly send a letter to help soothe her”. 

“Patton, it honours you to be willing to put the weak’s suffering before yours, but it is not needed in this case. You do not have to concern yourself with her. I am afraid that she is safe and sound on the account of having planned her own kidnapping. Lady Renata Regio has joined the pirates bringing disgrace upon her family, the wretched woman”. 

Yes! Janus thought. Neither the wardrobe nor the entire room could contain his joy at hearing it. 

“That is most unfortunate, should I reassure her family that I do not hold any resentment towards them?” 

“It would be no good, there is going to be a scandal!” Signor Morandi sounded too happy. 

Janus could not help but to smile a little.

“Are we going to pursue any retaliation?” Janus almost saw Patton shudder in the tone he used. “I do not think it necessary, it is a matter of marriage, although important, there are many other options that--” 

“Yes, there are many other women to pursue, that is the spirit! In said spirits, I must inform you of the most wonderful news I have just received”. 

What? 

“Today a trusted servant from the Regio estate arrived at our home”. 

“Yes, Virginia Fusco”, of course, Patton knew her name. “I personally received her, she refused to tell me exactly why she was sent here, also insisted to wait to talk to you”. 

“Precisely, well, it turns out she is the personal servant of Lady Romina Regio”. 

“The eldest of the twin daughters of the Regio?” 

“Indeed. Let me be frank with you son, the Regio know they cannot keep the true actions of their lesser daughter hidden forever, a rumour is meant to surface eventually. This is very unfortunate for them, I have heard they were planning to match Lady Romina with a higher member of the nobility. Her sister’s actions have ruined her chances, it is unlikely that whoever was to marry her will accept such a union. My son, you know I always have your best interests in mind, Lady Renata Regio was a fine choice to provide you with connections to nobility. In turn, her family would have got access to our wealth, which, after their losses in the war, they need”. 

Oh no. 

“This being the circumstances, they have to choose how to align themselves in the future and what would be more advantageous to the family”. 

“Shit” Janus said under his breath. 

“We are about to reach an agreement for a marriage between Lady Romina Regio and you. I need you to understand that, if you are to accept, you will have to face some troubles, at least initially. The rumours about Lady Renata’s motivations may taint your reputation for a short while and the Regio’s rush to marry off Lady Romina will raise more rumours”. 

“What choice would please you the most?” 

“Oh, Patton, you idiot”. 

“The union could make your child a count, you could potentially obtain a title depending on how we negotiate with the family. It is my wish that you accept this marriage”. 

“Will this bring honour to our family?” 

“Certainly”. 

“Then…” an air of doubt went through Patton’s voice. 

Janus was debating whether or not to burst out of the closet, either to tell him to refuse or to scold him for not accepting immediately what was probably the best opportunity of his life. 

“Of course I will accept”. 

“You make me very happy and proud, my son. I will meet with the servant girl to send her back with a letter requesting to meet with Lord Regio”. 

The words were spoken carelessly. Signor Morandi often did that around his son, not knowing how many times he had been overheard by him. He may be a great man by society’s standards, but he could never be a good man. 

Janus slumped against the back of the wardrobe, surrounded by pieces of clothing he could never afford. There was a world in which Patton had refused. But Patton hadn’t been left a real choice, so he could find some comfort in knowing this thing between the two had to end due to him being backed into a corner. Better than having Patton’s morals come between them. That, he would never reconcile with. 

This was better than before. Being cast away for something as mundane as marriage, no matter the useful connections involved, was one thing, being left for a countess, well, if that’s what it took to refuse him he wouldn’t complain too much. 

He would have preferred a marchioness or a duchess. 

He would have preferred to be the only thing standing in between Patton and kingship and still win. 

He would definitely prefer it if Signor Morandi was to accidentally fall down a flight of stairs on his way to writing his pesky letter. 

There was nothing like a fire to persuade someone, even a countess… 

But Patton would be upset. 

His hawk screeched from the roofs above. Then footsteps rushed to his side, followed by candlelight flooding the inside of the closet. 

Patton had no right to look so humble yet so marvellous. Not even the warmth of the flame could rival with that of his gaze. A gaze that was his’, not of any countess. But, still, a gaze that deserved to become a count. 

“Janus…” 

Honey clogging up his ears, that was the shape of a whisper. 

“I suppose”, he shook off the dust of his cape and held his head up with dignity, “this is when we part. I’d love to say it’s a pity, but we saw it coming. Guess it was nice to enjoy it while it lasted. I’m always a letter away, my dear, that countess of yours wouldn’t ever find out”.

This was the bitter taste of selflessness. He never understood how Patton enjoyed it. 

Janus turned around, ready to make his merry way out of Villa Morandi or fall off the balcony properly this time. Suddenly, Patton’s armed chained the two of them to their spot in the room. Patton’s chest heaved pitifully in a mockery of a hiccup. 

“I’m sorry. What was I supposed to do? There was no other choice. I didn’t wish to upset you. Please--” 

“What do you think you’re doing?” 

He promptly let him go. 

“I…”

Janus turned back to face him.

“You think crying will make this easier? Do you seriously think I enjoy this? I would gladly rob you of everything and have you entirely to myself. It is taking so much self-restraint to not get your father into a tragic accident, my dear. If anything, you’re making it worse by crying. I am doing this for you. Don’t you dare ruin the one honourable thing I will do in my life”. 

“How can I pretend to be happy when you’re leaving?” 

There were sparks of light encased in his tears. Something about their ironic beauty left him even more heart-broken. 

“What am I going to do, then? I can be selfish to an extent, but I cannot take the rest of your life too. You’re being offered a title and a wife, all the things someone at your level could wish for. Don’t be more of an imbecile, keep it. It is already inappropriate for you to be seen with the likes of me, and it’s even worse with me being a man”. 

“You’ve never cared about that”. 

“But you do! Let resume, dear”, he tried to say in his most condescending voice. It didn’t sound even remotely like it. “You go to church each Sunday, you have five bibles just in this room and the most sincere good-samaritan complex I have ever seen. I know you can’t bear to live in sin”. 

“I can’t bear to live without you either!”

Oh, Patton, you fool, silly, ridiculous man…

  “What…” he felt as if he was going crazy. 

A chuckle escaped through the spaces in between his teeth. Janus looked downwards and whispered. 

“What are you saying?” 

This self-consciousness, he had never felt anything like it before. Was he blushing? 

“I love you… I know it’s wrong, so why doesn’t it feel like it?” 

More honey. What a way for his plan to backfire.

“This is ridiculous, you should be concerning yourself with more important--” 

Patton placed the back of his hand under his jaw to raise his head with such gentleness... stupid. 

“Is it ridiculous when it’s making you cry like this?”

A compassionate man’s tears were not worth his. He had never been as sure as now that this was a mistake. Yet he longed for him more than ever. 

“Of course not” he wiped away his tears feigning some kind of dignity. 

As quickly as ever, he also pretended to regain his composure. 

“Do you have any sort of plan for what you’re going to do next? Under pressure, you’re a terrible improviser, my love”.  

“Well...I can’t let you go. I know as much. I should, for my family, father, my honour. But I will not. You’ve shown me that acting selfishly doesn’t make someone evil. I will find a way to fulfil my duty without giving you up, you have my word”.

[0712999]

7th March 23:41

Some people are praying on your downfall. And you exactly know who those are. At work there are about 3 colleagues, 3 professors. In driving lesson there is one.

And you know what will make them lose their shit? Thats right, your glow up, your success.

Theyre always trying to find a reson to hate you and put you down. They just love it. they feed off it. They know you have something they dont do it just makes them even madder.

Just dont give them a reason to hate you. Keep your calm and thrive. Theh hate it when you thrive and they theyll come back crawlinh at your feet being all nice and shit.

Lol girl just do your own thing and thrive in succes and hardwork. Be happy with who you are, you are beautiful and i know you know it too and theyre just so fucking happy seeing you all miserable.

God im just glad you opened my eyes and when i asked you to give me a clear functioning faster mind ive been seeing things more clearly.

Keep doing you! Enjoy ur life and work hard for the things you deserve. Snd youre beautiful fuck those whl try to pjt you down they jjst want to be above you. Aint noone above me bitch were all eaqual.

Fucking energy vampires. I never in mu whole life believed there are people like that trying to get me lol i was so delusional. Living in my own perfect world well girl welcome to the real world where we pay bills and get our hearts eaten alive. Protect yourself and take care

[progessive-left-sucks-blog]

I went undercover and questioned a TERF. Here's what i got:

Me: Hi. I'm just wondering if you hate men and trannies as much as I do. I'm anonymous because I don't want any male scum tracking me down and harassing me. What would be your message to all those trannies and men in the world?

Her, @happy-terf: of course! i hate males. i can never trust them or feel safe around them, i just try to avoid them. i was originally planning to defend males in my response until i realized that every single male sucks, even the one im in love with.

my message to males is this. don’t whine like a fucking baby when women hold you accountable for your actions. women are allowed to leave you and you need to leave us the fuck alone instead of trying to get us back. we are allowed to be bitches and make you cry because you’ve EARNED it, if you don’t want us to retaliate then stop acting whack. female anger is important, it is righteous, and you need to get used to it because it’s reality. LET FEMALES BE ANGRY AT YOU. don’t expect a woman to apologize for being angry, and if she does it anyway, it’s probably your fault for giving off your intimidating, judgemental-ass male vibes. if you feel guilty for something you did, feel the guilt as completely and fully as you fucking can, instead of begging to be told it’s okay – because you deserve it. violence is a manipulation tactic, of course, but SO IS PITY. yall males LOVE acting pathetic and “oppressed” to get your way whether you be pedophiles (”MAPs”) or trannies. if you can’t handle the weight of how awful your actions are, you are WEAK. stop doing them. it’s that simple. and if you’ve beaten your wife or molested a child then kill yourself. it’s the only moral solution. sometimes you’ve fucked up so bad that dying is the only way to make things right. i promise you that your victims have it much worse than you do.

there is no excuse for choosing to retain your male socialization, get the fuck rid of it if you give a single shit about women. and if you don’t give a shit about women then why are you even alive? why are you selfishly choosing to take up space and make the world less safe? women ARE your equals. what we say matters. take us seriously. don’t assume we are lying or making things up. we aren’t delusional, and if we had a male voice and a male body you’d listen to us and you fucking know it. nobody is immune to gendered socialization. accept the fact that you’re trash and be grateful any woman wants to be around you at all. be grateful for all the women in your lives who desperately want freedom, but also want to give you a chance – so they labor and labor and LABOR just to make you more of a human being and less of a parasite. be grateful for women who are willing to “train you.” be grateful for women who do this even though YOU KNOW BETTER ANYWAY. they are willing to expend energy on yall mooch asses who play dumb so society will go easy on you. be grateful for our ability to see the good in you pieces of shit even after you systemically rape us, gaslight us, mistreat us, pit us against each other, and cheat on us. the threat of you cheating on us for a better-looking, bigger-boobed girl coerces us into consensual sex and forces us to put up with your bullshit. if you’re a male, know that women are only with you because we settle. and if you’re a trans-identifying male, know that you will NEVER be a woman.

oh and also. the vast majority of males i’ve ever been friends with were PERVERTS. if you are a male and you are friends with a female, know that she is way better than you will ever fucking be, you shit eating scum, and she deserves better. males seem to have no self awareness about when theyre being disgusting, i had a guy sneeze and get nose blood everywhere, and come into physics class smelling like he just masturbated for 4 hours straight – and then whine and bitch when i stopped being his friend because he was disgusting. being around him made me want to vomit, he was the grossest person i ever met in my life. if you are a male, regardless of WHO you are, chances are you need to learn basic hygiene and manners.

Now tell me who's worse... Also, nice generalizations...