#things I don’t want her to read

[raspberryspace]

I hope you can accept who I am. I forever will always accept you as you are.

I’m tired of trying to string together some semblance of my current emotions only to be met with nothing. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of crying in my car. I can only claw at the hope that you never felt like I intentionally did this. I only ever wanted to reciprocate the feelings I had so deep within from one soul to another. You opened and grew my world as I know it. you irreplaceably shaped the goals and values I carry on today. I wanted and will always want to repay that. To reciprocate that pure partnership. Yet I own up and know just how fucking bad my naivety and unawareness was. I never wanted that. I only ever wanted the connection. I was so lonely and latched on to anything. I’m so sorry it had to be you. Im so sorry. I just want that love back it was never out of obligation. Ever. I was going through so much. I have cried over it too much to not second guess and fight this hard for it. I want it back so fucking badly. And I know it’s not the memories pushing this, it’s what created them. I know so many external factors plagued you. I know you made that decision. I just want to make sure it was truly the right one. But that’s just what I want. If I’m selfish then so be it but I want that back for the both of us. That feeling of finding that perfect puzzle piece that fits. My gut wrenches away at me daily- desperately trying to get me to not let go. To not give up. I want to work on this. I, I, I. I, am so fucking stupid. You’ve shown me through actions that you don’t want to talk. I can’t change any of that. I can only type these vague posts into the ether praying that you read them. I’m tired. I never wanted to do you wrong. I can’t ever ask for your forgiveness. I just want to ask if we can try to heal this. My chest aches for you too. I miss you profoundly. You paint the stars overhead every night. I just want to support you and serve you water when you’re thirsty late at night. I want to drive you around while you knit. Wah. I need to be present and in the moment for myself. I need to pour myself a glass of water. I’m grateful to have myself to do that. I’m glad I hold onto the values I have. It’s okay to give too much.

I can’t justify anything I just wish you would hear me.

There isn’t anything in this life worth fighting more over than this. I can’t shake this feeling that’s so rooted within me. I cant let this fall to the wayside.

It wasn’t your fault, I know why you had to do it. Can we start again?

God it feels like it just happened two days ago

Hate being bombarded with all these narratives on how to act or what to do, every single relationship is such a unique set of circumstances. Not everything is just block and ghost. No wonder people find it so difficult these days. No one fights for perfection, you adopt each others flaws and perfect them.

The people that you’re meant to have in your life won’t need persuading or convincing.

I’m ignorant to the fact that if you wanted to text me you would. But I want to text

You because I miss you. But you don’t. You don’t miss me. You don’t express that at least.

Music that makes you dance a little bit in your seat on a long drive is something to smile at.

My heart will always skip a beat for you, missing you next to us as we grow and discover this world. You’ll always be in my heart. At every corner of the globe. I won’t sit back and wait- there are places I want to see before I die. It hurts me like no other that I have to go without you, but rest assured I’m taking pictures for you. Taking pictures of you there. Taking pictures.

I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish I wish I wish I wish.

What made you believe it wasn’t truly genuine, it wasn’t truly from the depths of my heart. What made it selfish to me? I think that’s what hurts the most. That and we were just starting. We just closed the distance and we’re going to begin the greatest journey of our life. Together. Just gone. Gone with no hesitation. A pro and con list. That also will forever stay with me.

Who knew spoiling myself with trips and cool clothes would make me sort of happy. Not a fulfilling as treating someone else, I don’t think my personality allows that to ever be the case unfortunately. I do love women’s wear so much though, I want to dress someone up.

I became secure and confident within our space, left to expose the insecurities and issues. Now I feel so lost.

You’ve always had to be patient when dealing with my emotions - I hope you’ve noticed my change in dealing with them. I’m a bit faster now, I’m standing up for the little guy in me more that’s for sure. I wish I could tell you all that I’ve been reflecting on. I know you probably don’t want to hear it.

I hope you’ll remember me on a sad day when you really need it. I hate that you’re alone. I hate that you’re feeling so lonely. I wished you a community I wish that you had that group there for you. I tried to hard to make sure I never got in the way of you making and finding that group, I was so sad the night you went out on Halloween. You never invited me you never asked. I had to close down the part that wanted to ask you to consider me. Jealousy and my own value came up and overwhelmed me. I just wanted you to be happy with your friends. I tried to front it out. I know that was a mistake on my end - I should have expressed what I was feeling. But I tired to show it when I dropped it all to be there for the pick up. I tried to show it with how accommodating I was. I hate that I did that to myself. I’m sorry.

Went hiking, wish you were here. I fell while walking barefoot in a stream before the waterfall, bruised my hip - reminds me of falling off my skateboard again. Kinda made me smile again. Only 11 miles, small change compared to the walking done in Japan… I’m jumping and ready to keep doing more but my friends are tired kinda sucks.

I miss you. I wish I could hold you.

[gothra]

I’ll never forget when I was arguing with a person in favor of total prison abolition and I asked them “what about violent offenders?” And they said “Well, in a world where prisons have been abolished, we’ll have leveled the playing field and everyone will have their basic needs met, and crime won’t be as much of an issue.” And then I was like “okay. But…no. Because rich people also rape and murder, so it isn’t just a poor person thing. So what will we do about that?” And I don’t think they answered me after that. I’m ashamed to say I continued to think that the problem was that I simply didn’t understand prison abolitionists enough and that their point was right in front of me, and it would click once I finally let myself understand it. It took me a long time to realize that if something is going to make sense, it needs to make sense. If you want to turn theory into Praxis (I’m using that word right don’t correct me I’ll vomit) everyone needs to be on board, which mean it all needs to click and it needs to click fast and fucking clear. You need to turn a complex idea into something both digestible and flexible enough to be expanded upon. Every time I ask a prison abolitionist what they actually intend to do about violent crime, I get directed to a summer reading list and a BreadTuber. It’s like a sleight-of-hand trick. Where’s the answer to my question. There it is. No wait, there it is. It’s under this cup. No it isn’t. “There’s theory that can explain this better than I can.” As if most theory isn’t just a collection of essays meant to be absorbed and discussed by academics, not the average skeptic. “Read this book.” And the book won’t even answer the question. The book tells you to go ask someone else. “Oh, watch this so-and-so, she totally explains it better than me.” Why can’t you explain it at all? Why did you even bring it up if you were going to point me to someone else to give me the basics that you should probably already know? Maybe I’m just one of those crazy people who thinks that some people need to be kept away from the public for everyone’s good. Maybe that just makes me insane. Maybe not believing that pervasive systemic misogyny could be solved with a UBI and a prayer circle makes me a bad guy. But it’s not like women’s safety is a priority anyway. It’s not like there is an objective claim to be made that re-releasing violent offenders or simply not locking them up is deadly.

[the-broken-pen]

Honestly the pipeline of “reading the-modern-typewriter snippets at midnight on the floor of my bathroom at age eleven so I wouldn’t get caught” to “being a tumblr writer myself” is a wild one.

[tabithatwo]

(x)

(this is a pls stop blaming juliette lewis for nat’s arc and death post <3)

[macklesufficient]

today i’m thinking about how happy i am to no longer be twelve. remember how u were constantly living the most humiliating moment of your life? why was that?

[ifyourereadingthisblinktwice]

just finished the poppy war trilogy what the FUCK WAS THATTTT

[puppyeared]

my mom read my copy of Our Dining Table and she brings back onigiri after visiting Lola and told my brother about using a donabe. Is this what being loved feels like

[valewritessss]

If I read one more “annabeth is toxic” analysis where they leave out the part where Percy laughed after the judo flip and where they subtly make Percy out to be some weak and submissive victim while they’re at it I’m going to scream

[whaliiwatching]

Hey, my cat is getting put to sleep tomorrow and your noirpunk fic has been helping me process this and is very comforting so thank you a million times for it, I hope you have a fantastic week

fuck, dude, i’m so sorry. i lost my cat a while ago too. it’s awful and i still miss her.

i’m glad my writing could help a little. couldn’t finish this today, but here’s a sketch based on a fic idea i’ve been cooking for a bit. i hope it makes you smile. take care of yourself <3

[angelnumber27]

It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.

[raspberryspace]

I unknowingly lead you into this fire, the fire that isolates you. The fire that rages within. Can’t I help bring you out of it, isn’t there anything I can do to put this out. This isn’t for me, I need to do this to get you out, I want you to keep moving forward. I want you to not spend your nights endlessly turning over. I fucked up too much. It’s not your fault. You were not the problem. You never deserved this. This fire can’t be controlled. I don’t know what more I could do. I don’t know what more I can do. Please tell me to stop trying. Tell me this fire will stay because you want it to. I do feel selfish asking for a response. I spend my weeks my months destroying myself over the thoughts. The facade can only take so much.

Or tell me to keep trying. tell me. I just want to listen to you.

I am so stupid for visiting your blog after holding myself for such a good amount of time. You have a wonderful little art blog now too. Yet You pinged me and I caved in, your point was heard. I never know. It’s not toxic, please express yourself. Never stop. Keep sending the fire. it’s burning me. It does hurt. I know it really really hurts. I know it’s not fair. What can I do. I’m listening.

I know my sorry won’t cut it.

I keep trying to talk and take back the part of me stuck within you.

[sweaters-and-vertigo]

i have a teeny, tiny superiority complex because i didn’t watch the atla live action.

[coconut530]

WHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!?!

[munsonfamilyband]

Stevie Harrington who knows that she likes girls but when she meets Robin she isn’t interested because Robin isn’t her type, and Stevie isn’t Robin’s type either so they just become besties.

(Stevie fits with the stereotype bi preferences of bossy girl who looks like she could kill you(Nancy) and bossy guy who looks like a little dorky man(Eddie) ((me too Stevie me too))

[impossibledial]

i’m so intrigued by dannyclara despite not shipping them. i think that relationship is an interesting addition to clara’s character arc and i’m still trying to to figure out it’s purpose.

[tariah23]

🗿