#thinking yet again about how different my grandma’s life could have been had she not assimilated

[jamneuromain]

Hey honey! I'm loving your bingo challenge<3

So I want to send in a request for Steve Rogers for the prompt 'ugly duckling'

So basically Steve meeting readers family and friends, and the running joke is how reader bagged an Greek god looking man like him despite being not so pretty. He soon understands why reader was first hesitant and a bit surprised when he asked them out. But Steve takes a stand for them in front of everyone and call them out on their behaviour and all the fluff! Please feel free to change anything you like or ignore the request if it's not worth it! Thank you so much! I love your fics💙

Hi hon <3

I feel so much about the "ugly duckling" so I added a little bit of "horrible family actions" that I've seen. I hope you'll enjoy this!

Make an Impression

Steve Rogers x You

Warning: Ugly Duckling, shaming from all aspects, bad language word(?)

Summary: Steve was nervous about meeting your family - your larger family, that is.

A/N: My eighth entry to the bingo challenge hosted by @the-slumberparty.

"What if they don't like me?" Steve whispered in horror as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"They will love you." You stood on the tip of your toes and kissed his cheek, "Seriously, my mom thought I'd be single for life. So she is already way beyond happy that I'd be taking someone home for this traditional festival."

Steve mumbled a "yeah", before turning to you, "I really want to make a good impression." He almost knotted his brows into a bun, "Any tips on how to be the best boyfriend?"

"You are the best boyfriend there is." You help flipping his collar in place. He was so nervous about meeting your family that he tried on five different ties for over a dozen times, leaving his collar a mess, "You'd be helping out... I think. And you definitely do not need a tie to suffocate yourself when you're helping out. They will love you." You emphasized the idea that your family would welcome him one more time, shrugging, "Just try not to answer any questions when my aunties and my grandma ask you about 'when are we having kids'."

"Kids?" Unfiltered panic filled his eyes.

"Um-hmm." You fiddled with the hem of his shirt, tucking it in place, "I know, we aren't even planning anything yet. Still, they love to do that. They'd be scheming when we're having our fifth kid with or without our help."

Steve swears he is sweating like a fountain.

"Smile. Tell them we're enjoying our solidarity. And you will be fine." You threw him a sympathetic look, "Tell them about your military stories. That would distract them enough."

You hoped your boyfriend would survive under your ruthless (or so you believe) aunties.

"C'mon. Mom said we should be there by 11 to help her cook lunch." You kissed his cheek again, "You'll do fine."

"Not quite sure about that." Steve muttered. If confidence could be measured from 1 to 10, he'd be negative a hundred by now.

You thought your aunties - your father's sisters - would be hogging Steve until he was going to have a panic attack, asking about your relationship or about his family three generations ago. But within an hour, you heard that he was able to make all of your aunties laugh with joy by telling some interesting stories in the barracks, while your mother kept you in the kitchen to help her around.

Help with cleaning. Not cooking.

After an hour and a half, your grandmother pulled an ancient photo book out of nowhere and started to show him your baby photos.

With pots of traditional dishes simmering over the stove, you were finally able to get a break from your mother's accusations of "not practicing homemaking" and escape to your boyfriend.

At which point, the photo album was only about one-quarter through, and your aunties had just started the chapter where you were 4 or 5.

"...now this." Your grandma chuckled and shook her head, "This was precious. She has always been the not-so-good-looking one among my grandkids. Hasn't changed about that. See her skin? And the hair? Her cousins tried almost everything to help her look better."

Yes. By "help" she meant that your cousins, who were not that older than you, shoved you around like a doll, pinning all their least-favorite hair bands and hair pins onto your head, and giving you ridiculous "make-overs".

The kind of "make-over" some 6-year-olds could achieve.

While your male cousins ignored you.

Some of them still did.

You didn't mind.

Your family isn't exactly the tightest bun in the world. You tried avoiding them until important family-gathering activities such as this one. Because they would criticize everything from your clothing to your work. And probably also tell your boyfriend that you are not that good.

"And what are you wearing?" One of your aunties eyed you disapprovingly, gasping as if she had just seen you. Even though you have been helping cleaning and cooking for at least sixty minutes, "Sweetie, your ass is going to rip your jeans. Why not sportspants? They are definitely more comfy. Could help cover your thick thighs too. Honestly, how you are able to date... him-" She gestured at Steve, "is baffling."

"That hair..." Another auntie tutted as loud as she could, "So messy, my dear. Have you tried conditioner? My boy brought back a bottle of L'OREAL conditioner from Paris and it has been working wonders. "

Third auntie chirped up helpfully, "Must have been that awful job, cutie pie. I told you that you should be working closer to home, not driving three hours to see your family. That incompetent husband of mine recently opened up a factory and we'd be happy to arrange a desk job for you. Smaller pay, but closer to home. What could a ton of money do anyway if you can't see your family every week-"

That's enough bullshit for you for a day. You'd rather drown yourself with mud than listen to them criticize from head to toe.

"I think that's my phone." You forced a smile, getting up as fast as you could, "I'm gonna go check."

"See, I told you a busy job can do you no good..." One of your aunties yelled behind your back, before gossiping in a low voice with others.

What you didn't see (or hear, for that matter) is that Steve apologized swiftly, leaving the couch and following you.

Eight months ago

Steve accompanied Bucky to his graduation ceremony that day. Being around the same age, they chose a path in the military at the start, though Bucky had a severe injury to his left arm and had to leave the sergeant program after only a few months. After some rehabilitation and trying a handful of jobs, Bucky decided to head back to university and study criminal law in order to become a police officer, or a district attorney if he's not fit for police work anymore.

Steve, on the other hand, was luckier. He stayed in the sergeant program and got assigned to the States right before Bucky's graduation. After three tours and a surgery to collect bomb shells from his leg, the Army decided he could be a drill sergeant on the New Jersey Base, responsible for training new recruits before shipping them overseas.

Anyhow, Steve pulled Bucky into a big hug when the ceremony was over. He whistled and nearly clapped his hand numb as Bucky beamed at him in a black graduate gown.

"I guess I'm the smarter one of us now." Bucky smiled coyly, punching Steve in the chest, "And the luckier one too." As he fished a cute girl in gown by her wrist and introduced her, "This is my girlfriend Wendy. Wendy Stone. Wendy, Steve."

She reached out shyly to shake his hand, "Hi Steve. I've heard a lot about you."

And as if Bucky was the magnet, attaching people like coins in a line, you slipped through the crowd patting Wendy on her shoulder, "Your phone. You almost forgot - Hi Bucky, I'll be out of your hair in a minute."

Bucky's palm flew to his forehead, gasping out in shock, "Damn. I haven't introduced you two yet. Steve, this is Y/N, Wendy's cousin. Y/N, this is my best pal Steve."

Five months ago

You had hung out with Steve a couple of times, but only in the presence of Bucky and Wendy. Wendy and you shared the same apartment, so it was nearly inevitable for Steve to bump into you when looking for Bucky, or Bucky asking both of you to join Game Night for you four to know each other well.

Steve grew fonder of you, nonetheless. He loves the laughter whenever you hear a silly joke; he loves the way you make a face to him whenever Bucky and Wendy getting all gooey and clingy, making both of you feel like the third and fourth wheel; he loves your optimistic and can-do attitude, whether it was Wendy having a bad day at work, or when the pipe burst in your apartment.

Before he opened his mouth that day, sharing a pot of coffee with Bucky during the quiet morning of a Sunday. Bucky cut him off, saying Steve's line, "You should ask her out."

"You think I should?" He gulped nervously, counting the larger bubbles on his coffee.

"Dude, why do you think I've asked you on these game nights stuff?" Bucky snorted into his mug, "You practically glued your eyes to her the day you met. It's hard not to notice."

"Thanks...?"

"Don't thank me yet, punk. I've asked Wendy about her. She's one tough-" Bucky paused before continuing, mulling over the semantics, "Is it degrading to say son-of-a-bitch? Because Wendy said the exact same words. Anyway, according to Wendy, she doesn't really date a lot. And her work is crazy as hell. Plus, they came from the same family, cousins from their mother's side. They are a hard-to-please bunch of people, and Wendy heard that her father's side was even worse."

Steve didn't really take the last line into consideration back then. Still, asking you out was one hell of a mission, worse than the tour he had in the middle of some desert. It took some persuasion and some more coaxing ("good-measured coaxing", Bucky insisted) to get you on the first three dates. But from that point forth, everything has run smoothly, until now.

"You alright?" Steve closed the door behind him. Your tiny room seems smaller with his broad shoulders larger than the door frame.

"Yeah." That's a lie. "Another few hours and we'll be left alone." You swept away the invisible dust on your jeans, murmuring.

That's why you don't like your relatives. The smell of grease and tobacco rose from the backyard where the men were drinking and smoking, more revolting than the way you remembered.

Steve pursed his lips tightly into a line, "Are they always like this?"

You huffed out an unamused laugh, "At least we were related. You should have seen how they treated my mom."

"That's why she's in the kitchen?"

An unimpressed glare threw in his direction, "She enjoyed that, believe it or not. Cooking and cleaning and homemaking." Raising your chin towards the kitchen, "Blamed me about 'not doing my part' just now."

"Why don't you-"

"Stand up against them?" You knew what he meant. You did. You tried. But they would always accuse your mother of not "teaching you properly".

"They are bullies, Steve." You shrugged, pretending that it didn't bother you at all, "They'd do anything to make sure we get all those nasty comments. And the moment any one of us stand up against them, they'd ask my parents to force me to apologize."

Steve crossed his arms, furrowing his brows again.

"Look, my mom is ... old-school. So are all of them. She nags a lot but she'd be sad if I'm not here to support her during this family reunion. But reunion means all of them, so..." You held his wrist, resting your head on his shoulder, "family comes first."

He took you into his arms, landing a kiss on your forehead.

You craned your neck to smile sweetly at him, as if nothing had happened, "Let's get back to the living room before they mock me for being a baby about it."

Surprisingly, for one full hour, they weren't able to make a comment about you - plenty of comments about Steve since your three cousins had arrived. More comments about your cousins. Gossips about their neighbors. Judgements thrown around on their men and your mother's cooking.

"... your daughter better have clarity on herself." Your grandmother pointed at your mother, drunk on her third cup of wine, her words slurring, "Steven....s Steve, here, is way out of her league. And she needs to maaaarry him before some s... ska... skank butts in."

Your mother eyed you, mouthing silently, asking you to eat rather than reply, before coming up with a polite smile, "Of course. But young people have their own opinions on marriage, and I suppose it's only fair that they figure it out themselves."

One of your aunts waved her fork too hard, sending a piece of chicken into the air, "Oops. Ma's right. And you need to have a kid soon, sweetie. Marry him, and have a kid. Your body is a ticking clock. Don't turn deaf towards it."

"I'm surprised you were able to get a boyfriend, let alone... this." Another aunt gestured at Steve, "You've never been the pretty one, cutie pie, and you sure ain't now."

You put your hand on Steve's thigh to calm him. You could feel his muscles tensing and his jaw clenching, not so subtly. You shook your head lightly.

Don't give them what they want. You hoped you were able to convey the message.

"Oh my oh my," the last aunt chuckled, "we are not going to witness some cheesy scheme of renting a boyfriend here, are we? I heard from my daughter Jean that it's quite popular these days. You know, it's not that embarrassing not to have a boyfriend, I mean, we all thought that way-"

Jean, being one of your cousins sitting by the table, chose to munch her food in silence rather than responding to your aunt.

"That's enough." Steve placed his napkin on the table, folded it back into a triangle before he spoke, "All of you." His rigid tone from the military days seeped into his voice, having the conversations on the table stop for the moment. Taking your hand beneath the table, he watched every person on the table with a serious expression, "Our relationship is none of your business, and so is her appearance. I see a beautiful, strong, independent woman, and I pity you for none of you were able to see her the way I do. Because you were so focused on yourselves, comparing everything about you to make you feel less pathetic. "

A brief pause.

"You didn't say anything about your daughter owning a clothing store, inherited from you, that barely gets by." He looked at the aunt who called you "fat".

"No one said anything about your son stuffing potato chips in his mouth and being unemployed, still taking expensive trips with your pension, because he's the son in the family." He points at the aunt who called you "cheap".

"And finally, you know damn well that husband of yours is having his third secretary-mistress. Since that's all the rest of you could hint about this afternoon." He directed at the aunt who thought you weren't "homemaker" enough.

"I hope you'll have the day you deserve." He spat out, standing from the table, asking for your hand.

For the first time today, your eyes sparkled with light. Gladly taking his hand, your rose from the table. Not minding if you have shoved your chair backwards too hard or the sudden movement is not "lady" enough.

"Mom, I'll come visit next week. Promise." A big smile raised the corner of your lips, waving your mother goodbye while the rest of the table watched in silence.

You still had trouble believing this when you got in your car. Steve immediately pulled you into a hug, nudging your neck with his cheek.

"Not so scared about 'impressing' my family now, huh?" You joked, tugging the end of his blonde hair lightly.

"They're going to hate me and you after I dumped every scandal on them." He mumbled apologetically, "Sorry, I hate bullies."

"No." You signed, "I should've be braver and just ... cut them off."

"You did the best you could." He kissed your shoulder gently, looking into your eyes, "You are everything I've dreamed of, and I meant everything I said at the dining table. You are incredible."

"Hold your proposal, Rogers." You teased him, seeing his ears turn into beet-red as you mentioned "proposal", poking his chest with your index finger, "You aren't on your knees yet and I'm not having five babies without five carats."

Steve's face flushed with a shade of pink, looking like a total turnip if it wasn't for his blonde hair. "Five babies???" He gulped, and then, "Does that mean we're having ten babies if I buy a ten-carat now?"

It was your turn to be stunned speechless. Only when he was grinning madly did you realize he was messing with you too. Laughing with tears, you fell into his embrace, "Steven Grant Rogers, you are a horrible person."

A few laughs bubbled from his chest as you leaned back in your seat and buckled your seat belt, "You'll get used to it." He started the engine and changed the subject, "I didn't have much food in your house. Mind if we stop by at the new Burger joint and order something?"

"I almost forgot how awful my mom's cooking is." You set your phone on navigation mode and put it on Bluetooth speaker, chuckling, "I'm starving. Let's go."

Find my The Slumber Party Present Bingo Challenge here 👈

Questions? Comments? Requests? 👉Send them to my inbox 👂

[greenandsorrow]

The fox (2): Found something real that's out of touch.

Alastor x fem!fox!reader

stay tuned for the final chapter

"To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world."

~Le petit prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The girl woke up with a start. Her mother was by her side. The monotone sound of the machines attached to her body could be heard. She had died but they had brought her back.

In the few minutes it had taken to revive her, her soul had wandered all the way to Hell- due to how there hadn't been any guidance from Heaven. Her death hadn't been meant to happen. Not yet.

Time flew differently in the afterlife, since she had spent a good fifteen days at the hotel, but as mentioned, only a couple of minutes at the hospital.

The girl lived. She left the hospital, but she kept her promise to Alastor. She never forgot about him. While he was in Hell, thinking she was in Heaven, she was alive, roaming Earth.

She searched a plethora of archives at Louisiana's library and she tried to gather as much information as possible from her grandma about Alastor the radio host.

A serial killer that would hide his victims' bodies on deer haunting ground. He had been killed while mistaken for one. Hence his appearance in the afterlife. He was also found to be linked to voodoo practices- for hurtful purposes.

He had been a bad man in all his life. He had caused pain to others, but she couldn't just ignore the way he had been there for her during her short stay in the hotel.

Alastor was the one cooking her Jambalaya when she was sad and entertaining her with his charm and wit. That's how she'd always remember him. The smiling, gentledeer with the black cane.

She went as far as visiting Louisiana's old cemetery. Why would she leave flowers on the grave of a killer? Why would she sit and reminisce about one of Hell's most devious sinners? She wasn't the one to give him forgiveness. She didn't even try to justify his vile actions. The flowers were simply her way of saying "thank you, because even though you've done so many wrongs, you did at least one good deed and that was helping me".

The photograph on the grave -placed behind a now broken frame- was fading slowly but surely. The young man that looked back at her had a smooth, tan complexion and bespectacled, smart eyes. The shade of his eyes and hair reminded her of hot coffee in the morning. The quality wasn't great, but then again, coloured pictures weren't as advanced back then.

Alastor's visits to Rosie grew more frequent after his little, fluffy friend vanished. He'd sit for hours with his hellborn bestie, telling her about every single detail of his experience with the young girl.

"I'm surprised you didn't just devour her Hun! I'm sure she'd taste so delicious!"

"Dear Rosie... I have to be honest with you... If there's one person except from my mother that I would never hurt... It is her, the fox."

Both of whom were gone for the foreseeable eternity.

With Rosie refilling his tea cup frequently and asking him additional questions, Alastor couldn't help but think about the fox.

It hadn't been all good times, but now that she was gone, even the not so pleasant memories carried a bittersweet quality to them.

For example, there had been many arguments between them and the girl hadn't been scared to show him her teeth, quite literally.

He found himself thinking of her again as he made his way back to the hotel, after his visit at Cannibal town.

Alastor's memory...

She was being nosy again. Asking too many questions.

"Well yes, I did die in the woods like you... It's peculiar. This is the first time I ever meet someone who died under the same circumstances... not the exact same, but you get my drill?"

The girl had shrugged, but she hadn't been able to suppress her smile at being given attention. Alastor had continued talking, simultaneously warming up his voice for his radio show.

"What if this is too much of a coincidence? What if this is part of some bigger plot..."

"A bigger plot? How so Alastor?"

He liked the way she pronounced his name. She'd say it with caution, like it was something important that should be respected.

Sometimes people get sent in our lives for a reason. Sometimes they teach us a lesson. Sometimes we are the lesson. Sometimes they are reminders. Reminders of things we had forgotten that existed.

"Do you have a tail?"

"What do you expect?"

"Oh please show me!"

As much as he wanted to be intimidating and taken seriously, even if he was an overlord, the fact that his body got changed into a deer was somewhat humiliating. He. Is. Not. Prey.

"Not happening."

He should have shown her, just to see that sparkle in her eyes. Regret.

Charlie was singing. It wasn't like him zoning out, but a few weeks ago the fox had been in that very same room, walking away... frustrated.

Alastor's memory...

"Oh dear..." he had muttered, following after her before swiftly stepping in front of her and slightly raising his arm, blocking her way.

"Now it would be quite rude to simply walk away, would it not?"

"Manners are the last thing occupying my mind after I was thrown in purgatory."

He had let out a chuckle of agreement at her point.

"Sometimes a bit of charm can take you a long way in life... and besides the company of your sweet self would be delightful!"

"Can it take me to Heaven?"

"What about a story sweetheart? It was so brutal when I first spawned here... just thinking about that time makes my tongue tingle with the sweet taste of blood."

"I hate this place."

She had been unhappy all the time he knew her.

In a mockingly sympathetic tone Alastor had tried to distract her.

"Awww... are you really not enjoying your stay here in our beautiful hotel? I'm sure you have met some really interesting individuals."

"I prefer my well deserved place in HEAVEN thank you very much."

All their conversations had always circled back to that exact point.

While she was beginning to grow on him, to her Alastor was still no one. She would chat with him, but he wasn't someone special in her heart. The radio demon hated himself for allowing that bond to bloom, but he hated himself even more because it was one sided. Him being on the losing end.

And there had been another fight that very same day.

"LET ME DOWN"

"Ask nicely."

"I hate you."

Alastor's playful attitude had vanished.

"Hate is a strong feeling. What is there to hate? My looks? My voice? My past?"

"You're a demon. You're... I hate you as much as I hate this place."

"Think again."

Sometimes it was truly infuriating how stubborn she would be.

"Um... I... I don't know. Everything."

"Everything?"

Despite himself, Alastor's tone had gotten slightly bitter.

"Well... this just ruins the mood now. Don't you think it's rather unreasonable to hate someone you've known only for three days? I can tell you're quite childish... but you're not that childish, right young one?"

She had placed a palm on his chest to push him away. She was practically glowing from purity while he was emitting pure darkness.

The radio demon had looked a little surprised when the girl had pushed him away without showing fear. Leaning in, he'd spoken in a whisper while his hot breath had hit her cheek.

"My dear, you shouldn't resist what's happening... Just allow yourself to stay with us at the hotel... As a sinner."

Alastor had decided to corrupt the new resident of the hotel. His taunting words and unsettling change of size hadn't fazed her... The girl had been scared, but still, she had managed to give him a few really sharp scratches. Yet, he hadn't responded to pain at all.

...he would always carry the little scars she left on him. A reminder that she had been there.

The real reason he had wanted her to stay was selfish. It would have done her more harm than good. He didn't like how he had acted like the bigger person.

But when it had happened -the ridiculous scratches- with a threatening voice he had told her...

"You think you're so strong Fox, huh? Because if I wanted to, I could crush you with just a single motion of one of my fingers."

"Then, you'd... you'd have Heaven against you!"

He had bursted into a laugh.

"Oh dear... I can't believe how naive you are! Heaven is not going to do anything to defend an insignificant person such as yourself. They're more worried about themselves and their perfect little world. The ones you look up to are always the first to disappoint you mon petit renard."

He never understood why he had said that to her. He had practically tried to save her from a heartbreaking realization. A realization that had always pained Alastor in his childhood. To know you have to fend for yourself. While he had perfected the art, he wished she didn't have to.

He had forgotten they were fighting.

She was dreaming of him, again. Red hair. Razor blades for teeth. The sound of static filling the air and making her hair frizz.

The girl liked that memory, it was one of her favourites to relive in her sleep.

The fox's memory...

"No, my dear fox, you're not a good soul. In reality you're really just a little hypocrite and have a high opinion of yourself- haha!"

She had been curled up in a ball in her bed. Luscious hair flowing and a light dress covering her small body.

Alastor had walked into the room she was occupying and had sat down next to her. He had spoken in a soft and caring voice.

"You don't have to try and stay holy while you're here in hell... This is a safe place where you can act out your hedonistic desires and not worry about being judged by anyone!"

"Jeez Alastor! I don't have such desires... My only desire right now is a fluffy blanket and some hot chocolate."

Alastor had snapped his fingers... He then had turned into a shadow, slipping away like sand and returning like a chilly breeze... With hot chocolate and a very fluffy blanket he had most definitely stolen from Charlie's bedroom.

Her eyes had widened and she had smiled.

"Oh my gosh..."

He had grinned in response. It wasn't like him acting on impulse, without deeper motives.

"I told you mon renard! This is the best place you could possibly be to try and relax! Here we are free from all the restrictions set on us in Heaven!"

"Thank you Alastor!"

She had never bought a thing he had told her and he knew it. But this act had somehow been calming this... this weird apprehension. The demon had somehow known that his time with her would be limited. She hadn't belonged.

In comparison to him, she was a saint, an angel even.

While she had been drinking her hot chocolate, he had taken the opportunity to really look at her, imprinting her features in his memory, engraving the shine of her fangs and the blush on her cheeks in his brain.

"Now just look at that cute little face of yours!"

"Oh, look as much as you want. I'll be gone soon anyway."

She had said that with such a confidence. He wouldn't have shown her, but she could sense it. He was sad.

Alastor had simply chuckled and then sighed.

"Yes I guess so. But for now just rest... Maybe tomorrow will be your lucky day!"

He gently stroked her hair, until her eyes had closed.

"Sleep well darling~"

That night she had decided he was someone to her and not just anyone.

She never knew, but that same night he had noticed how small she actually was compared to him and had genuinely smiled.

She smiled in her sleep, mimicking the motion he had made... months ago.

...time flies.

The car accident is now years away.

All the parts-> here!

🧡Please do not repost or directly copy my work.

🧡This fic's title is a lyric from 'Not about angels' by Birdy. It's not proof read, so forgive any spelling or grammar errors.

🧡The human Alastor fanart isn't mine. All credits go to the artist.

🧡I am aware this isn't everyone's cup of tea -writing wise or plot wise- but it was a spontaneous idea of mine I wanted to try and make work.

🧡Dividers-> @saradika-graphics & @cafekitsune

🧡My masterlist

Your tips keep me motivated to write! THANK YOU for supporting my blog!!! 🤍 CLICK HERE(PayPal link)

lil tag list; @mariaclarade-la-cruz1 @alastorthirsty @mezzo-piano230 @shayshaymonyou

[evilkitten3]

when you think about it. madara is just. so. niasndladnsndlnls

as soon as he shows up he starts his "can't rely on any of these losers smh" crap and he keeps doing it. he constantly has to do things himself bc his minions are all fuck-ups or have entirely separate agendas or are fuck-ups with entirely separate agendas. and yet

again and again and again and AGAIN he trusts people. not even for good reasons sometimes. he genuinely seems to believe he can't rely on anyone other than himself and yet he repeatedly puts faith in people. some of them are complete strangers

"oh yeah this kid i trapped in my divorce dungeon after replacing half his body with my ex's dna? i'm going to psychologically traumatize him, sell him my identity, and hope he takes care of things while i'm busy being dead for the next couple decades. even tho he has no reason to bring me back, hates my guts, and as far as either of us is aware could probably pull off our masterplan without any more help from me. i am also going to assume that the version of him in his 30s is the same as the teenager version of him i knew even tho not only have i myself been through puberty but also i have firsthand experience of how people can change from when they were teenagers bc my ex broke up with me via literally stabbing me in the back and killing me when i realized our dream wasn't going where we wanted. he knew to go for my back bc i told him it was my weakness as a child. also i don't wear armor there bc i don't usually need it. i'm sure this kid would never do that to oh hey he's stabbing me"

"hey this weird plant zombie thing showed up and said he's an extension of my will or something. i have absolutely no way of verifying this but i am cool as hell so i'm just going to assume it's telling the truth and not using me as a pawn in some greater plan as it is encouraging me to do to others. it would never do that to ah hell in the back again"

"my brother is dead but my only friend who is now my enemy and who is also the older brother of my brother's killer wants to make an alliance even tho our families hate each other and my family also hates me and i also hate me and would rather he just kill me already which is also what everyone else wants. except for him bc we're ninja romeo and juliet but with fascism and if romeo had been able to put aside tybalt killing mercutio and if juliet had instead of drinking poison stabbed romeo to death with a sword. and then tybalt took over the city after she died and made decisions which eventually led to all the montagues except one getting massacred by his shitidiot older brother on a propaganda high. but hashirama would not ever do that to me and if i pushed him to a place where he needed me dead he would surely do it honorably and not in the back and that's a wood clone isn't it"

"hello small uzumaki child that i have not ever spoken to and do not intend to interact with directly i am going to break into your home and steal your eyeballs and replace them with my own significantly cooler eyeballs (they used to be my little brother's so please be careful with them) and you can play around with them while you do my minion/replacement's bidding until you use them to bring me back to life even though this will kill you and you don't even know me and will in fact think that someone else is me anyway and why is this edo tensei wtf do you mean nagato's dead. who the fuck is naruto"

it's like if the "rip to ur grandma but i'm different" meme was a person. and that person was simultaneously the speaker, the person being addressed, and the grandma.

[bobbydagen24]

a little list of some things I Hope to see if they do a 4th film.

also if you have any ideas of little things you'd like to see in the next film I'd love to hear them.

anyway my list would include.

its gotta still be a Bro zone centered adventure no side-lining them or any of the same crap they pulled with the world tour characters their still very much the focus. on whatever Journey the plot requires Poppy and Branch to go on and this way we see more of them learning abut each other like the other Bros being surprised by Branch's survival skills. and how he came to learn them and finding out just how dorkish Clay has become in his interests and how pampered and sheltered Bruce has been. to the point he's totally out of his element when they have to travel through forests and such. 2. a main villain that Judges Bro zone as a family this is a bit of a petty desire of mine lol but I'd love it if we had a villain who openly looked down on B zone. maybe the main villain is some sorta loner who believes in family being a weakness and nothing else so they judge Branch for letting his Brothers back into his life when he proved he was capable of surviving on his own. and also they just have a bitterness towards the concept of family for personal reasons so they see how flawed Bro zone are yet the fact that their still together as something to be mocked. 3. an actual none comedic mention of Grandma given how TBT sorta used her as a comedic gag in the two scenes in which she was relevant. so I just want her to for once be brought up without a bad Joke ruining the emotions of it like FR I just want one scene where she's brought up. and you actually just let the characters be serous about it maybe Branch finally tells them exactly how she died after refusing to talk about it for ages. and maybe he still blames himself somewhat for her death and was worried the brothers would think the same if they found out. 4. I've said about this one before but I Hope we see other Grey Trolls in the society it doesn't have to be a major plot point just something we see in the opening briefly. like I said before maybe Branch just casually Hanging out with other permanently Grey Trolls from different Tribes or even them having their own little group or something would be nice to see. I think the group idea would be a nice bit of worldbuilding and development as it would kinda show how differently Pop Village handles these kinda things now. where they aren't just about toxic positivity and brushing serous stuff to the side anymore but are actively encouraging people to talk about their darker emotions and such. 5. this one is probably the most unlikely on this list but I'd kinda like it if we saw Branch's colours get worse again and him actually feeling somewhat ashamed of it. maybe trying to hide it from his Brothers out of fear of either being judged or pitied. I just love the angst idea of him being found out and in a somewhat upset and frustrated way saying that he doesn't know why its happening again. claiming he's fine and that it must just be some kind of mistake on his bodies part and that it isn't his fault this time as that isn't who he is anymore. upsetting Poppy and his Brothers seeing him so clearly upset but obviously desperately trying to hide it and also the notion that he's ashamed of his Greyness and he sees it as something other people would blame him for is pretty sad. like I said it probably won't happen but Honestly I love the idea of actually showing his colours get worse again and him being insecure about it. especially in front of his Brothers it'd be emotional to see them see him this way. 6. another one that's maybe a bit out there but I kinda wanna see Peppy die as I feel him dying has some good story potential. for one it gives some angst to Poppy for a change she could blame herself as his death could happen as result of her actions maybe her not listenening to other people again. and trying to solve the conflict with the villain her own way results in them all being in danger and her dad dying to save her. and as a result her actions actually have permanent consequences for a change and she blames herself tho maybe on the outside she tries to slap a smile on her face.

but Branch sees through it and he can actually have a nice moment of helping her through things and even relating a bit given he blamed himself for what happened to his Grandma for years. plus it'd give Viva some heartbreak since she only just got him back in her life after all these years and now she's lost him again. which I feel in the end could bring her and Poppy even closer together. and like I said after TBT and the first film I'm desperate for some Poppy angst to balance things out a tad and actually give us some more scenes of Branch supporting her again. 😅😅😅😅 anyway those are some things I'd kinda like to see in a future film what about you?

[feuqueerfire]

4Minutes Ep 1 - 4 Live Blogging

I’m in Chicago and hanging out with friends but also, I’m awake while the others are sleeping/busy. So maybe I’ll start watching this hmmm. Ideally I’d binge/watch each episode in one go, then go through archives and posts for that episode, then move on to next episode but the rest of the week once I get home is also going to be chaotic, so I don’t think I can watch the episodes with my full attention then either. I wanna be caught up for Friday’s episode, so here we go on my ipad. I saw a bunch of stuff for the first two eps and some stuff for the third ep; most of it was Fuaiz character with Bas or Jjay so I kinda don’t know what’s going on with our main couple except Bible’s character sees visions (including having sex w the other guy).

Ep 1 (Aug 11/12)

Great? in the hospital and dying. Tyme wandering around while shot and dying

beautiful shots

Korn works in his father’s company and has been given a new position… Investment but also referred to as “the secret operation” by his dad when he can’t hear

oh Great is gonna take over Korn’s old transportation overseeing stuff soon

Are Great and Korn cousins?

Great hit a woman while speeding in his car?!?!

hit and run?!?$?$?!!!!!

I heard some people say that none of the characters are good but I didn’t expect our main character Great to quite be this bad

ohhhh his first vision four minutes into the future, that was cool

the hospital setting does remind me of Triage - another Sammon creation. like the never saying free in the ER thing

oh Tyme is still a student? i mean med students get to be older toward the end of their studies. but he’s a doctor already i thought

the secret operation investment banking is online gambling done by a bunch of people on computers

who is that woman at the gambling place?

[Linguistics] Phi, nai between Korn and Tonkla

everybody was awake and around by the time I got to Korn-Tonkla on the couch… will pick it back up when I’m alone again heh

Korn gives money to Tonkla (though Tonkla still works)

very explicit sex scene that goes on for a little too long for me, so I started skipping toward the end. but not bad yknow it’s just that i find it awkward looking at so much nakedness. my friends are on the other side of the room, so I’m also not fully chill

Also the “can you fuck me raw?” was indeed crazy. I think there’s supposed to be a “does it hurt?” but i missed that one probably bc i skipped some parts

Great and Korn are brothers. I thought Great was that aunts son but is the dad’s son actually

Great telling Korn about his future vision lol how would he believe you

ohhh okay the reason Korn called Great’s mother aunt is because he has a different mother but same father. I finally understand lol

Tyme and his grandma. also he will become a surgeon soon but isn’t one yet

going up the elevator is okay but going down is not

Bible giving flowers to a patient in a hospital reminds me of Vegas giving Porsche a flower basket

I wonder what the future vision’s purpose was this second time

so true, this is a BL where the main characters must meet. Almost forgot lol

heh visions of him making out w Tyme

hmm when the woman had a heart attack and was stuck going through her life so far again, she could see 4 minutes into the future. Is Great in that hospital bed at the start and is seeing 4m into the future for the past

Interesting first episode, lots of things happened and my interest is piqued. What’s up with the woman who ran in front of the car and her mysterious son that’s Great’s age? How are the characters’ paths gonna cross? What’s the 4 minutes thing even? exciting. Well shot and the sex scene going so far startled me even though I kinda knew about it. Gotta wait until Tuesday to watch eps 2 and 3 rip.

Ep 2 (Aug 13)

murderrrrr

kinda looks like Fuaiz face and the cigarette hmmm. I wonder if he’s killing his brother bc ik that happens from spoilers or if it’s a future thing

oh, son committed suicie. wonder if it has anything to do with the gambling

Title is so annoying and not in a fun morally gray way. he's just ewwwwww without anything interesting about him. Similar to the same actor playing Top in DFF actually

ofc and Great's just chilling with this weirdo kidnapper agh

Great literally just originally watched his weirdo friend beat someone to death with a rock wtf...

stupid... Tyme literally fixing his hair and clothes and flexing him arms to go check up on Great lmfao

Tyme practically flirting while Great experiences visions of them having sex

I wonder what about Great intrigues Tyme so much

oh, Title died? This is a field by the river where Great left Tyme right but he'd only hit Tyme once with a rock. I didn't realize he was the one who was Tonkla's brother who apparently died but whew, that's good, I don't wanna see his face bruh

Title is Tonkla's nong? that's wild

Why don't they show the brother's face? Is it not Title?

aghhhh ofc it wasn't Title, a misdirection. no wonder they've not showed his face at all. but did that mans die at the same place Title brought Dome to kill?

damn, Great is not good at fighting at all lol but that tracks

now where did Tyme come from?

The calculations going on in Tyme's head during this conversation with Great lol

everything is so 11:00 related

Did she crash the sites?

oof, Korn fucked up and was a reason a hacker could do this

yaas okay the het sex is way less explicit but still exciting. should've shown more kneeling from Korn imo

yaas one side of the couple cheating (though I'd guess that Korn actually with the woman/is expected to be with the woman/does this often and Tonkla is actually his side piece sugar baby) and another side being set up for the cheating later on (Win coming to see Tonkla)

hmm who is she working for and giving the information to? It looked like Tyme for a second but I doubt that doctor's involved in this. so idk. but that would actually make sense why Tyme was so interested in Great, especially after seeing his name (surname)

Ep 3 (Aug 13)

Last episode before I have to wait just like the rest of them :') Just 4.5 weeks or so until the finale though.

Two murders in a similar way... So somebody killed Tonkla's brother and Tonkla killed them with the stone similarly

We've moved on from 11:00 to 11:01 last ep and it's showing up plenty this ep. There were some theories that Great has until 11:04 in the current timeline where he's in the hospital bed to change the stuff in his past, which could be interesting

seeing 11:01 when it's actually 9:30 ahh. real time vs past

"Can you forgive me, Great?" visions hmm

Great smiling so much around Tyme hehe

[Linguistics] Going from Doctor -> P'Tyme

hanging out and doing claw machines, cute

aw poor lonely rich kid Great. but okay so is his dad his bio dad or his stepdad?

oh, almost kiss already?!

nooo she got captured at the gambling den. did she send that info to Tyme?

damn, the case got transferred to the corrupt chief

"Deep down everybody knows who did it" omg?

"I shouldn't do this. you must still be grieving" cut to them making out shirts off and progressing lol

Tonkla's so funny, asking Korn before and now Win to fuck him raw

skipped through this sex scene too ngl like it's too explicit for me T.T

Tonkla got off and is no longer into the kissing lol and also interesting how in Eo 1 he was all about pleasing Korn and being like oh i don’t need to finish while I don’t even know if Win came (Tonkla did though! jizz on his damn chest omg)

ah, Win saying Tonkla can call him anytime for whatever reason, a sharp contrast to how he still hasn't been able to reach Korn

okay, so this happened in Great-Dome-Title's school and year because the girl who commented about the dead guy was in their class. but nobody is currently dead in their class... so is this indeed in the future like some people were theorizing? like Tonkla's storyline and Great's storyline aren't happening simultaneously?

11:02 already

ohhhh I'd seen the gifs of Tyme taking off his mask but was so confused. I get it now. yeah it was Tyme that Nan was sending all the gambling evidence to.

but why are him and Nan doing so many scary things by themselves, no backup, no nothing oof

I'd seen the 2 timelines theory but I wasn't sure if that would actually work because Korn and Great were at that dinner with their parents at the same time. And I thought it was after Great started seeing the future and Korn got assigned to the new thing, which we had mentioned to Tonkla.

I wonder why Great had seen the 4 minutes future this episode? Usually it's a significant event, especially ones where he made a cowardly choice, but that time, his heart started hurting and he dropped his drink?

Ep 4 (Aug 16)

I just happened to be working from home today so I can start watching during my lunch hehe and not have to wait ~6.5 hours until its release

oh, Tonkla matches the DNA of fingerprints on the rock?

Dr. Den just giving away where Tyme is to Great while Tyme's in the middle of surgery lol c'mon

move in with Tonkla?! girl you're a side piece of the side piece, you can't move into Tonkla's place that's likely running on Korn's money

no way Tonkla actually brought Win home lmfao I thought the promo pic for this ep was Tonkla and Korn in bed, when's that gonna happen. and Tonkla is trying to get it on with Win again, I like the tension when he's dragging his finger over Win's clothed chest

...and Korn arrives right then lol

Win having to hide without his pants is killing me lmfaoo

agh, Korn not backing off of Tonkla until the 4th time he pushes him off with a lot more force D: he submits to the woman + the other higher-ups in the business, so he comes to throw his weight around with Tonkla

that's crazy, Win didn't even put on his pants this whole time lmfaooo

Tonkla's switch up in personality between Korn and Win and the way he has Win under his control is crazy. it's mostly because how much he loves/gives a fuck about Korn vs Win ig

oh, Korn and Tonkla are ~4-5 years apart since I'm guessing Tonkla's a freshman and Korn is a senior in this flashback. I thought they were a decade apart at first lol

oh yeah, Tonkla's parents are dead so his nong can't be Title.

did Tonkla's nong kill the cat?

also is this the black cat Tonkla saw in ep 1 or 2 that was eerie? ig because it's supposed to be dead.

ah, the start of Tonkla and Korn falling in love. their start is so much more romantic than I expected, like their first time seems so romantic, a stark contrast to how Korn was pressuring Tonkla today

"I love you" from Tonkla already?

oh, his parents were still alive back then and probably his dad killed the cat.

omg? Korn saying he'll tell everybody that Tonkla's his bf once he takes over the company?

oof, sad Win in the bed while Tonkla's sitting and thinking about how he met and fell in love with Korn but I mean you now know that Tonkla's with somebody and are still having sex and sleeping in the bed.

Ah, the brain can survive w/o oxygen for 4 minutes. Thus the fandom theory that Great's going through the last 4 minutes of his life right now in that hospital bed and making different choices and such, hopefully to change the future

oh, she saw Great in that room?

Den really is so endearing somehow

the cut to Nan being slapped startled me fr

ok at least Great deleted the msg from Korn's history bc I was like lol what if he doesn't

omg the guy actually killed Nan in the other timeline, that's crazy

lol in what world would Tyme not get shot on sight? They're already grabbing at and pointing guns toward Great, the son of their boss + that guy shot Nan through the head in the other timeline, Tyme should've been dead by now but it's okay ig. lol they're even letting Tyme just walk away and go, that's wild

lmfao please Great high on adrenaline rn after the rescue. hopefully some thoughts about how shitty his family is will come into head soon

[Linguistics] "Not yet": 'yang' ยัง at 47:38 at Great is smiling. anytime I hear this I'm reminded of Pete are you satisfied and Vegas from his chair, grinning wide, saying ยัง after having tortured Pete in the basement. similar ยัง with a wide smile from Bible but different emotions and vibes lol. pretty much every time I hear ยัง I'm reminded of Vegas, so it's funny that it's a different Bible character this time

Tyme and Great first kiss hehe and they're so cute

they talk and giggle so cutely as they're taking their clothes off ahhhh

so Dome is Tonkla's nong fr? but how does it make any sense? because Tonkla's nong died - Korn was thinking about Tonkla telling him to get out while he met Great which was in the present

ohhh okay two different timelines not in the future sense but in the sense of parallel universes where Tonkla's in the original timeline still but Great's actions have saved Dome but in... a different timeline. and they kinda merge... kinda don't....

heh, I'm so glad I got to watch this ep right after it aired but now I've gotta wait for a week + some few hours because I'll be at work on Friday next week :<

Some progress on the TymeGreat front but it feels a bit strange how shallow? it seems because they've hardly spent time with each other and know nearly nothing about each other but Great is betraying his brother for Tyme and risking his life etc. Maybe because he has the visions of the two of them together and so is trying to speed up the romance? it just feels like their relationship is unearned/lacking which is a stark contrast to how in-depth and complex they're getting with Tonkla's relationships. So is the TymeGreat thing on purpose?

I'm curious how they'll deal with the 2 timelines stuff because the butterfly effect is kind of happening but not really???? The merging of two timelines where Tonkla is in the original one and Great is in the redo one but they bleed into each other (or rather maybe the redo is bleeding into the original one?)

Also I was wondering if the cold opens are from the future but it seems not, right? So does Win know right know that Tonkla is a murder suspect as he sleeps with him after finding out he already has someone and Tonkla's cheating with him? Win grow a backbone and stand for something. Letting himself be used as a side piece by a murder suspect, girl.

Thoroughly enjoying this, need the next episode right now.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What did you have for dinner tonight? Nothing yet, but I'm getting Applebee's takeout soon.

If you were given a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I'd have to do the important shit like pay off my debt as well as both my parents' and brother's debts. I'd buy a house for my parents and I and one for my brother and his bf. I'd furnish and decorate and all that, too. Traveling, for sure.

Have you ever cried in front of your parents over a boyfriend or girlfriend? No.

What does your bedroom smell like right now? I don't really smell anything.

Have you ever shaved off your eyebrow before? No. I've definitely over plucked when I was younger lol.

Do you want to have a boy or girl whenever you have kids? I don't want children.

Your pregnant with twins: What do you name them? I'm not having kids. I can't even get pregnant if I wanted to, which is good cause I don't wanna.

Describe your outfit. Jeggings and a gray tee with two skeleton hands making a heart in the upper left corner.

What gigabyte is your memory card? I don't have a memory card.

What brand is your digital camera? I don't have a digital camera. I just use my phone.

When was the last time you hung out with your best friend? My two best friends I met online a couple years ago and we haven't met up in person yet cause they both live in different states than me across the country. We message each other everyday on Facebook messenger and text sometimes, too. And leave a lot of voice memos.

What is a movie you're waiting to see? I haven't really seen or heard about new movies lately, like what's even coming out?

Who was the last person to cook something for you? My mom.

Do you ever sit and think what if about something? Oh, all the time. About a lot of things. It's an awful game to play.

If so, what is it? Like I said, a lot of things.

What’s on tv right now? Something on the ID channel.

Do you ever stop and smell the roses? I need to. I'm always so wrapped up with my own shit and stuck in my own head and I need to appreciate more.

Where do you download music from? I haven't downloaded music in over a decade. I've been using Spotify for years.

How many channels do you have on your tv? I have no idea. A lot.

What are you most scared of? My loved ones passing away. I regularly get panic thoughts about someone suddenly dying. I have had this problem since I was a small child. <<< That's my top fear. I've experienced losing my maternal grandparents and that was incredibly hard as well as losing two dogs.

If you were given a chance to bring someone back to life, who would you choose? My grandma. But see, that's a complex question cause as much as I miss her and wish she were here, I wouldn't want her to come back and be in the same situation as before health wise. And she was in so much pain toward the end. I wouldn't want her to come back and experience that again.

Do you talk to any of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? No.

If so, which one? ^^^^

What is your mom doing right now? She's watching Tiktoks.

Are you currently listening to music? No.

What is the weather like right now? It's currently 70 F.

Do you like new music or older music? A variety of both from various genres and artists.

If you could make a law, what would kind of law would you make? I don't know.

What was the last video game you played? The last new Mario game that came out. I can't remember what it's called.

What is currently going on in the room you're in right now? I'm watching YouTube and eating peanut butter M&M's, my mom is watching Tiktoks, and my doggo is laying down.

Do you know where your best friend is? At their homes.

Who was the last person to comment you on Facebook? Her name is Danae.

What is your display picture of on Facebook? A selfie.

Do you ever sit and think about the past? All the damn time. My mind lives there.

If you could relive any moment in time: what would it be? My childhood.

Are you a talker or a listener? Definitely more of a listener.

What is one food you will not eat? Seafood.

Do you eat anything now that you never used to eat? Hmm. I don't think so.

Have you ever kissed the same sex? No.

When does school start this year? I've been done with school for awhile.

Do you ever shout for absolutely no reason? Uh, no.

Have you stuck with your new years resolution? I stopped making those a longggg time ago. I never stuck to them anyway.

Do you need to lose any weight right now? Nooo. I need to gain some weight.

What is something you want right now? To not be hot and be able to get some sleep soon.

Do you hate when you see teachers in stores? I haven't had that happen in very long time. It was always weird though the times it has happened. Like an animal out in the wild lmao. When I was a kid, I used to think the teachers lived there.

What always puts a smile on your face? Hm.

Where can I find you on a Saturday night? At home in bed like everyday.

What is the best thing about Sundays? Nothing. It's just another day for me. <<<

What is your music provider (itunes, windows media player)? Spotify. Windows media player omg is that still a thing? I've had Mac computers since 2009.

How many songs do you have? A shit ton.

When was the last time you had a period? I really don't get one anymore, like just some spotting sometimes. I still get the awful symptoms, though, so that's shitty.

Why do you think the sky is blue? Cause God made it that way.

If you could change the sky to any color, which would you choose? It's so pretty during a sunset when it's various colors. I wish it looked like that everyday throughout the day.

Is there anything wrong with you right now? There always is.

Do you hate when people stare at you? Yes, it's rude and irritating.

[virtualworldgirl]

#1 Today, I decided to make a blog.

I went to work today, it was my last shift in my current position. I have been promoted and will work in a different store starting Tuesday. I'm excited. I work in a jewelry store, I just graduated college and I just moved to Brooklyn, I feel like everything started. I took the train home, got off at a random stop; Graham Ave, my friend Sophie lives off that stop. I walked around and stopped inside a plant store, there was a parrot named Finlay there, I spent a lot of time looking at the plants because I really want to own and care for a lot of them. However, I'm not ready for the responsibility yet. first step: finish moving in. I spent a lot of time looking at the Orchid's, they remind me of my mom and I'm intrigued by their challenge yet I turned around and walked to the bookstore instead. Very cute store had fun browsing. They had a lot of prints of the Dante Inferno book pages, which although I wanted to buy, I have the exact copy the photos are from so decided against it.

I headed home and said hello to my cats. I then took a walk to a prospective pho place. Something about me, I love pho. It's my favorite meal, I would absolutely love to have a pho place within walking distance. I enjoyed the walk, the restaurant had an interesting ambience. I realize now looking back I was blinded by my desire to have a pho place and all the little gimmicks distracted me...I'm often a victim of marketing.

I took a seat in the corner by the window, a table big enough for one. It was the type of restraints where you scan a QR code on your phone and order directly off your phone and pay and they just bring out the food after. If my grandma is reading this, can you believe that exists. I'm serious. You never speak to the waiter until they bring out your food. I ordered Vietnamese iced coffee, veggie spring rolls and the rare beef pho.

The coffee was really yummy. The food itself was yummy but also only okay compared to what I've had. I guess sort of bland. The spring rolls I would order again with the pork to compare because I felt those may be better. The pho. First of all, the utensils were kept in a drawer under the table. Why that matters, I'm not sure but it was definitely cool in the moment. Okay, here's the thing. It doesn't take a lot to make a good bowl of pho. The veggies were yummy, the noodles were yummy, The meat actually was very very good. I often avoid the meat in Pho because It never tastes exactly right. However, I kept looking for it in this bowl and was disappointed in the portion size. I digress. The most important aspect for me in a bowl of pho. Is the broth. The broth must be so flavorful and yum that I want to put it in a cup and drink. Most places deliver this easily, that's because most places use beef broth for the pho. This pho place uses a clear broth. So while it was good and the broth was flavored via the rare beef ,veggies, lime, and siracha...it was not very flavorful and very lacking. As much as I wanted this place to be the one... I don't think it will be. However I could still see myself going again just because it's close. I came back home and the my dear friend Chloe came over to visit my new apartment. I told her about my blog idea, we shared a few laughs, had a nice chat and then she went home. I really enjoy living in Brooklyn. I go outside a lot more, I walk around a lot which is nice exercise and I get to spend a lot of time with all my friends . Even now, I just got to see my dearest friend. Something I would have had to plan days in advance. My friends might be my truest love in this life. I do often feel alone in the world. I guess that’s what happens sometimes. They’re like my big family. I like how they’re always there. They’re in awe of the things I don’t enjoy about myself, like my independence. It’s a nice perspective change I guess. Anyways. I saw a food truck by my apartment. The lady was really kind. I would be her friend. I ordered beef but got chicken but It was still really good. One day, I'll get the beef taco. I don't know how regularly I will write, I hope often. I like this form of journaling because there's an aspect of performance since people could potentially read it so I want my writing to be presentable, organized and engaging. Yet, this isn't something that gets put in front of a large amount of people's faces so reading it is by choice.

I hope you enjoyed gem

[trueoathbreaker]

Im watching a video on mmos and i wanted to talk about my experiences with the genre for the past like 2 decades

I first got into mmos with toontown back when it was all over tv

My parents paid for an account for me and my sibling to share and my dad had his own account

I played a whole bunch of toontown but i avoided a lot of things....i was barely in double digits....stuff like cog buildings and the factory (back when there was like...1) scared me...heck i still tend to avoid them when i go back to ttr (and bc i have zero social skills so i suffer in solo)

My first TRUE mmo was maplestory....i never got far tho i leveled up a few times and got to like the elf area and had someone try to trade me but again i was just a confused 11 year old at the time....idk how mmos work! I still played them!

Theres a bunch of mmos id get into during middle school and into hs but never for too long....i was like a grandma with a cell phone....idk what im doing im just hitting things and running around the first area

I have a friend who id play some of these with back then but even then i didnt know what i was doing

At this point in my life and its only been 28 years of being alive....most of these memories are fuzzy...

I remember always being magic classes until i got one with a gunner...i thought wow thats cool!

My friend always did way more in these games than i did....

And then there was one particular mmo....i had gotten into with a different friend in hs....

Tera

Now my first jump into tera was short lived (in 2013) bc i had a laptop not made to play such a demanding game and i barely saw past lumbertown for years. I shelved tera and had a small burst of playing mmos during this time from new to old

For....whatever reason i dont remember

My previous friend got me to hop back into tera in 2015

And that

Was the start of my true mmo years

Every other mmo i clueless played barely getting anywhere for a few months to playing talesrunner a few times to whatever mmo i wanted to try that gave me a virus once and i very shakily saved my computer from it (probably)

Didnt matter

Here we are back in tera 2 years later and its all different and would only get more different the more i played....i deleted the like 3 characters i had barely used bc their names were trash and i made a new archer named deed

And we had a blast (and i had a third friend join us for some time but we dont talk about him anymore ok ok)

I dont remember how or when

But i had found an mmo coming soon with a closed beta upcoming

Blade and soul

My first time playing blade and soul.....was awful

I was on yet another laptop that could not handle the game....i gave up at the first world boss area bc i had worn the pvp outfit not knowing it was a pvp outfit (whoops) and was basically stun locked into death by strangers bc my poor computer was too slow to handle it

Despite that i bought the founders pack and walked back into the earthern realm with my blade dancer magmia

Who i promptly disgarded to play with my friend on iksnanun

And seeliewood was born

And the rest they say

Is mostly recorded on this blog for your viewing pleasure

Blade and soul to this day is still one of the best experiences ive had in an mmo despite it all despite the games jank despite it taking me months to actually DO non story content bc i had new friends who dragged me with them besides doing the first two dungeons over ans over bc i was a scared baby of 20something despite the absolutely wild people ive met and friendships lost and stupid things ive said and done and times i got my butt kicked by mushin

Its about my friends still letting me try the scary raid with them after i have an embarrassing meltdown down in front of them and a bunch of strangers

Its sitting down for hours in a dungeon just to talk bc no one is gonna yell at us to get out

Its watching a whole raid stop and watch a rare item vanish bc one of u thinks its the ugliest outfit in the world and she paid us to throw it out

Its roping people in to farm pirate princess or black ice for months until they finally drop

Its not about reaching the best gear to do the newest raid that kills you for looking at it funny

Its about a game that introduced me to my gf @shironuri

And while i have had a lot of other mmos following some lasting longer than others including a third return to tera

Most are short lived

I don't stay as hooked on some mmos or i fall back into my rapid pick up and put down way of playing games in general

Many mmos are shutting down or mobile only or have specs past my nearly 10 year old pc that i do not have the money to replace

I'm back to staying away from socializing and many of my friends have moved on or have no time for these games anymore (or they're all in ff14 which i technically own but.... you know)

So many mmos i played only a few years ago are just gone or out of my computers power to play (id love to try and get pso2 to work again but i only played on jp and that takes a HUGE amount of time to set back up)

On that note i realize there's a lot of games i play that should go on this blog but i just haven't

Like other social sims

Yall want my vrchat screens??? Eh probably not theres like 2 active followers yall probably see this on my main enough

[chidoroki]

I don't know who decided to put Ray under Isabella's care but the culprit is the biggest ever. giving her her own child to raise to death? Of course she didn't know and would have never knew if Ray didn't remember but still. Do it means that the other mamas in the other farms had to raise their child too? I love that thank to Isabella who has listed all the mamas and their alive children (when she was grandma) because now they can be reunited in the human world. It will be nice for the youngest

You know what.. for the longest time my most hated TPN character was that demon bastard who ends the life of my favorite villain ever.. BUT NOW? I think it might have a new contender hahahaa. Ahh, yeah, that’s really such a cruel move to pull off. I wanna doubt they had any idea on which babies go to which mother, but I sorta can't. It seems the Grandma distributes the babies to the individual plants and we know from Isabella’s side-chapter that Grandma’s have access to all sorts of information. So if Sarah (if it is her here) actually knew that she was handing Isabella her own son, then DAMN. Yet another reason for me to hate her!

It’s not a totally bad thing though? If Ray was sent to a different plant, he would’ve still used his infantile amnesia to learn the secret of the house, but then I dunno how well his plan to survive would go if he had to make a deal with another mom. I hardly believe any other mom would even tolerate the idea one bit like Isabella did. Take Krone for example. Once she learned from Isabella that some kids knew the house’s secret, she was so quick to decide that those kids needed to be shipped off. I’m sure a handful of sisters/moms would’ve handled the situation the same way, so Ray might not have lived very long at another house. That is, if he even attempted to make a deal at all.

So I guess we have to be thankful he did end up under Isabella’s care instead? Partly because she low-key says “to hell with the house’s rules” and cares more about producing high quality merchandise, but also because she was dealing with her true son. It’s a rare moment when her “Iron Lady” facade cracks so the revelation certainly effected her greatly, so as much as she tries to hide it, she does indeed care for him.

As for other sisters/mothers raising their own kids or not, I'm sure it had to have happened occasionally, (Sarah certainly seems like that bitch to pull it off more than once too) but I don’t believe any of them knew like Isabella did. The four sisters in ch181.7 seem pretty surprised learning that their children are even still alive to begin with.

I wanna say it’s rare the ladies wouldn’t know anything, but then again how did Krone manage to confirm Ray was Isabella's son from the note he left? We don't know what was fully written in the note aside from “Dear mother..” so while that alone could be valid enough proof, I still don’t understand how Krone managed to confirm this information as true instead of be skeptical about it or think it was just a trap.

What book of secrets did you manage to get your hands on girl? I don't wanna put belief into something so random because there's really no better look at the book Krone uses, but they resemble each other very faintly..

Anyways.. yeah, thanks to Isabella for raising the children so well that they were able to survive and possibly spend time with their potential mothers, if they ever choose to that is. I also find it real sweet that they're all so happy and relieved to be free. They truly deserve a life of happiness for all they've been through.

I'm still unbelievably salty that ch177 ended the way it did (thank god that was the one positive change to come out of season two) because damn it, you can't give all these women and children freedom and a bright future and not include the best mom ever aka Isabella aka love of my life not ever having the chance to experience her happy ending with her own precious kids! Ahh I'm gonna stop here before I get emotional. Thank you again for the question anon!

[clotpolesonly]

death cw:

think we’re about to lose grandma. she’s got pneumonia yet again and the doctors are sounding very pessimistic this time. it’s been a long time coming and it’s gotta happen sometime, but it’s surprising for it to be this when she’s made it through decades of cancer, two broken hips, and two spinal fractures 😅 we were hoping she would make it to 95 (another month and a half) but that’s very unlikely. doctors talking about “making her comfortable” and whatnot, so we’re gonna start calling the out of town family and whatnot.

i’m reminded again of how little i grieve compared to others. maybe it’ll be different things time (though i don’t see why it would be, except that i’m a far more depressed and anxious person than i was 5 years ago), but i never cried or got very emotional over dad’s death. i still haven’t. it’s just kind of a thing, really, that he was there and now he’s not. grandma’s gonna just not be there anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️ i barely see her once every few weeks anyway, it’s not like it has a big impact on my life, and i’ve just never understood that whole “there’s an aching hole in the world where this person used to be and knowing they’re not out there somewhere devastates me continually on a conceptual level” thing that most people seem to have going on, at least according to popular media.

mom’s gonna be devastated, obviously, and i can’t blame her. it might be something of a relief though? it was a little bit of a relief when dad died, for all of us, cuz he had cancer and was in a lot of pain. grandma’s just really fucking old and she’s declined so much mentally that it’s distressing for her and it’s really distressing for us, especially mom, to witness and handle. on the phone mom said “we were hoping she’d make it to 95. but i’m not sure she wanted to make it that far.” grandma was a teacher and an artist. for her to have declined this far mentally is unfortunate. so it’s probably okay. i bet mom wishes that she was still a religious believer, so she could comfort herself with the idea of grandma being reunited with her husband and son, but alas.

anyway. just rambling thoughts. grandma’s had a long and productive life. it’s gonna be really awkward when everybody else is more upset than i am, and i wish i was more inclined toward grief than i am cuz i kinda feel bad that i don’t feel bad, but oh well. that’s not really something i can control.

[catspinach]

sobriety reflection:

ive been completely sober for 4 months (make it 5 months if u dont count my brief christmas meltdown) though its been over a full year now since i realized that i needed to make a real change in my life. i stopped drinking for about a month before finally getting a job. at first I was able to go 2 or so months sober at a time before caving in, but there were scary periods where id be unable to stop for a month or so. sometimes id take shots before my shift, and a few times I've drank a full-size 700mL bottle of vodka in a span of 24hrs.

After binge drinking until i reached my absolute limit, I'd eventually get so hungover that i couldn't keep anything down and i wasn't able to slowly wean myself off of the alcohol. I'd suddenly stop drinking, eating, and sleeping, and to pass the time all i could do was pace around my little bedroom or throw up. nobody in my family knew how much i drank so i couldn't risk going downstairs, the tv was way too loud and bright, and i guess I'm simply unable to sit still when I'm not feeling well so I couldnt even sleep it off. when it got unbearable id attempt to meditate. that was probably the only thing that brought me any sort of peace.

My time drinking was spent bumming around alone, feeling depressed and extremely horny. when i was hungover I'd voice chat my (long distance) gf on fb messenger about how miserable i was, and how much i just wanted to die. then when i was feeling better id be unable to even look at our previous convo bc of the extreme guilt i felt. i cant imagine seeing someone i love going through such hell. having only me to bring them solace, yet not being able to help at all. It made me hate myself, which made me drink.

I went through another withdrawal phase and became aware that it was getting harder every time i tried sobering up. It really felt like I was on my deathbed, and I called everyone I could to try to get some sort of outpatient help, but they refused unless i did a month inpatient, and again my family didn't know. I was alone in this, very adamant about not going to AA. I was scared I'd run into someone I know and I heard it's not very effective for young alcoholics anyway. I drank on Christmas Eve a month later and threw up at grandma's on Christmas day. That was when I realized I had a choice to tell someone. That I had no excuse not to tell someone. So I called my sister in and I sat naked on the floor crying as i explained to her what was happening. We all left and she brought me to walgreens to get some Tums, promising not to tell anyone and offering me to stay at her place. which I declined lol fuck that

4 months later and i still get cravings often. i can stop myself from drinking now by reminding myself that tomorrow is a busy day at work, and by imagining it going down my throat. Now when so much as think about drinking I taste vomit.

The other day I almost snuck into my moms room for a shot before work, but stopped myself. I make $19/hr plus overtime, and I know that if i lose this job I won't be able to score one with matching pay. ive been practicing being kind to myself.

Lately I've been bumming again. sometimes life doesn't feel much different from how it did at my lowest– aside from feeling less nauseous now. i guess that's a start to bettering myself though.

[edelgarfield]

god tw personal family medical issues

my mom said some completely wild shit to me last Sunday and I want to vent about it, but what she said was so absolutely unhinged that it requires like 5 different layers of context before I can even BEGIN to unpack what she said and it's like. I want and need to reach out to people and vent about it but I don't even know how to start that conversation with anyone who isn't already up to speed on my nightmare of a family.

so. my dad is sick, he's been sick my entire adult life with a degenerative disorder but he recently got diagnosed with cancer.

here's the thing. there is zero emotional intimacy in my family. we do not talk about feelings. we do not rely on each other. we do not talk about anything other than shallow surface level topics.

that degenerative disorder my dad has? the only reason I know what it is is because I went through his medicine cabinet back in high school. he has never once in the 10 years he's had it sat me down and said "by the way I'm sick and my condition is called X." even though he is clearly, visibly, provably getting worse over the years he has not and will not talk about it. I don't know what his prognosis is. I don't know what his current treatment plan is. I don't know what things he can and can't do on his own.

he is treating his cancer the exact same way. he didn't tell me he even had cancer until two days before he started chemo. I do not know what type of cancer he has. I do not know how bad it is. I do not know what treatment options he's pursuing. whenever I ask he and my mom dodge the question.

that is an extremely quick and dirty summary of what's going on.

so my mom and I were going to a play on Sunday. as we're getting out of the car my mom out of nowhere says "you know you're going to be rich?"

I have no idea what she's talking about and say as much. she starts complaining that my dad's mom updated her will to split my dad's share of her money between me and my brother and my mom is upset that none of it is going to her.

already. this is such a wild and out of touch thing to complain about. like do you want me to sympathize with you bc you think you deserve a bigger share of some future money that hasn't even happened yet? I'm just flabbergasted as my mom goes on to ask if I'm going to take care of her when she's old. again. wild.

I'm like "what about dad? shouldn't he be upset that he's getting cut out?"

and my mom turns to me with this look of condescending pity and says "[Dad's mom] is going to outlive him, why do you think she updated the will?"

GEE MOM I DONT FUCKING KNOW. NOBODY TELLS ME SHIT AROUND HERE.

this is the first time I'm hearing about my grandma updating her will. this is the first time I'm hearing that my dad apparently has TERMINAL CANCER.

and instead of telling me any of this directly like a normal fucking person my mom slides it into the middle of a conversation of her complaining about not being in my grandma's will.

(sidenote: immediately after she dropped this bombshell I replied "okay, well when dad dies you'll get his money" "dad isn't as rich as his mom" so like. classy all around)

like what the fuck is wrong with you??? there are so many things wrong with this conversation I don't even know where to start. do you think I'm going to care about some imaginary money when my dad is APPARENTLY dying? do you think I'm going to feel sorry for you that you're not getting a cut when you're already set up to live an extremely comfortable life?? why are you jealous of your CHILDREN when this is literally just a consolation prize for having a DEAD FATHER.

if you gave me unlimited attempts to try and guess how my mother would choose to tell me my dad was dying I could not have come up with this in a million years. among all the possible ways you could have chosen to tell me my dad is dying how did you invent a completely new one that's more audacious and absurd than all the rest? it is truly astounding the lengths that my parents will go to avoid showing a single iota of vulnerability. why are you like this? if there was literally any time in your life to at least PRETEND to be a normal family it would be now. my parents can only reveal extremely important, heavy information when it's bracketed by the most absurd conversation you've ever had.

and here's the thing: my mother is a notoriously unreliable source of information. she exaggerates, dramatizes, misremembers, and if all else fails just straight up lies. this would not be the first time she has told me someone is dying because that's more attention grabbing than "they're very sick"

(one time my mother insisted to me she was dying, when I asked if she was serious she said yes. I asked her to please tell me the truth because I was genuinely worried she insisted no really she was dying. I went to my dad and he said no, she's not dying, she had a very bad sinus infection)

so I have no idea whether my dad is actually dying or whether my mother is exaggerating what the doctor said bc she's apparently allergic to just telling the truth. and I have no way to confirm bc my dad will not talk about his illness with me. so I'm just stuck, worrying with no answers & no idea when/if answers are coming. I have no idea how bad my dad's sickness is, I have no idea if it's terminal and how long he has left if it is. for all I know it could be two months or two years.

and it doesn't get better! it's only going to get worse from here as my dad gets sicker and dies (if he does), they're not going to suddenly start keeping me in the loop. they're not going to suddenly start comforting me. I'm always going to be the last to know and I'm always going to be told in the most confusing, awful way possible.

this is just such a perfect snapshot of what my childhood was like. my family is the place where emotions go to die. my own mother can't even be bothered to provide the tiniest sliver of comfort or support when she tells me my DAD is DYING. where do I get it, then? if my own fucking family won't comfort me then who will? no wonder I'm so fucked up, no wonder I'm so desperate and starved for affection because I went practically 13 years before I even knew what affection was.

[lushlagoon]

091424

in bed listening to the same music i did during covid, samia and indigo de Souza and haley blais and Phoebe. I can close my eyes and pretended it's covid. im in my kitchen baking and listening to samias fit n full, I am a senior in high school, im driving to the salad place in cool springs or the otaku ramen in west Nashville to pick up food and just get out of the house with my dad, it is winter. I think I will go look at pictures of that now.

ive done a pretty good job of documenting a lot of my life. in high school I had a few apps of diaries and video diaries, first couple years of college I had a sporadic diary and committed to constantly posting on my finsta story, now I have this page. im not ready to look back at things yet. I can't handle it. but there's lots to look back at.

I remember the night my grandma fell during covid, it was scary and ambulances came to the house. I saw her being wheeled off and was worried that was the last time I would see her. I cried in my parents room trying to hold my dog back but she jumped out of my arms, I could never do anything right like anyone else.

its weird that for years my grandmas health was so bad. now shes fine, and my grandpa is the sick one. hes kind of there in his head, hes kind of not. shes risen to the occasion to be there for him, I wish I didnt have covid right now and could spend time with them. im trapped in my room but its ok, music is good and I like typing, its raining and its saturday. its only 11am somehow, im jet lagged and sick so my sleep is both fucked and perfect.

saturday means nothing to me. I am graduated and unemployed as of 2 days ago. I just got my final grades back for all of college. I will have my diploma soon. my dad cried when I was in line to graduate. he couldn't talk. I love him so much, he tried to book a restaurant while we were in Paris that inspired ratatouille but it was raining and we were supposed to sit on a patio. hes way cooler than me. ive been applying to jobs but its tiring and ive been getting nothing good in return.

I used to be annoyed by a lot of my friends. now im not. I think I might be the annoying one. it's better to be the annoying one than be annoyed, but It feels like middle school in my head again sometimes. im so quiet I think, how could I be annoying.

about a month before covid hit, I went to a king princess concert with a few of my friends and my future girlfriend. I had a huge crush on her and that concert felt magical, I had so much fun. my room was set up differently, with my bed against the wall. the room felt bigger. I remember thinking "this makes me so happy, I need to just go to as many concerts as I can". I had had my license for a month, drove my blue bmw, and was trying to get a first job. When covid first hit, I decorated my room for all my friends to come over when the virus passed. I put up photos of my friends on my wall. nobody ever came over, and I think still only like 2 friends have entered this room since covid ended. except for my 18th birthday, that was so much fun. why do we never have fun any more? it feels like my friends are settling down already, getting boring. if I think about it too much it makes me sad, all the photos of my friends on my wall for months but nobody ever saw them.

my dad said the other day 18 is far from 21. I said no it's not, because in my head im still close to 18. but im not, it's not close.

I waited until I was 21 to go to bars and didnt get a fake, so maybe I will wait until my frontal lobe develops to try mushrooms.

i always get covid at weird times, like right before im supposed to go to San Diego. I got it right before my freshman year and had to come at normal time instead of early, I felt so behind when I got there. now im getting it before what was supposed to be my 4th year. I think if everything goes to plan I won't be too sad that Im not having a 4th year.

I was looking around my room at the sign brittani made almost 3 years ago, welcome home andie. I will never be a freshman again. last night I freaked out about that but this morning I can see everything more clearly. everybody has their own experience, I had to grow out of my shell in my own time.

I dont think im good with kids and I wish I was. Im excited for Christmas as long as my nephew doesnt cry when I get him a gift.

I told my girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt want her to be friends with one of my friends. I get jealous, like thats my friend dont take them. she didn't understand and now theyre on a trip together. I dont think it's fair that if we break up wed have to share that friend when I stated I didnt want that. and it wasnt like I could stop the friendship, they do fun things together and it was good for my friend.

ive never believed in marriage. I dont wanna talk about it more. but literally never since I was a kid have I thought I would get married. now I understand I will probably have to, but im still unsure that I want to.

im jealous of my girlfriend and her whole music thing. the parts im jealous of, she has something to document, and something for her parents to be proud of. she has a constant outlet for creativity and she has time for it. im jealous she doesnt have to work, but im out of state so, I have to compensate for the massive bills somehow. I need to apply to jobs, and she doesnt like when I talk about it because it makes her stressed. she will be fine, her familys from California.

I am already feeling nostalgic for music from less than 6 months ago. adrianne lenkers new album makes my heart ache, makes me think about the trip to norcal. it was so beautiful. I think I will have to move back to Tennessee soon, and I havent even technically left.

anything by adrianne came on and I started crying, not a sad cry but an emotional cry and it felt good. my dad brought me a cup of green tea in my favorite mug with the painting from ferris beullers day off on it, I havent really dranken green tea since high school when I was trying to lose weight. my mom just got back from a business trip. everything Is right.

I heard adrianne for the first time from Charlie freshman year. I came back to Nashville and got back together with my ex girlfriend and listened to the music with her an entire night one time. im not sure who the song reminds me of, I think more Charlie. its so serendipitous that me and my roommates ended up together.

one of my friends said they thought I was the type of person to not keep in touch with friends after I move. that hurt my feelings but now I almost think that was a dream.

[ego-morior]

LXI

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

I heard my dad's heavy sigh over the phone. I've heard the sentence before. I've even used the phrase myself a time or two. But for some reason, hearing it to describe something I was trying to do made it seem so cruel... and yet so perfect to describe the way I always do things.

My roommates are leaving, and so is the extra income to keep myself financially stable. My stubborn mother will only visit me if I have no roommates, and I thought to myself what an amazing opportunity to have her finally visit me. I'll pay the rent an extra month on my own in the chance of having her stay for 4 days. To keep her comfortable and to show her the little home I was able to cultivate after all these years so far away from her and my home state. She finally accepted my offer.

So I planned everything.

I would pick her up at the airport and bring her home. And we would hike, and I'll show her the beauty of this state; the waterfalls, the blue ridge mountains, the rivers, the delicious foods and everything that made me fall in love with this area in the first place. And the best part? I'll drive her home with my roommates, and then I'll show them everything I love about Jersey. NYC nights, the boardwalks, the foods you can only get there. And then I'll drive down to Washington DC and show them the capital and all the history museums their hearts could desire. While they enjoy themselves, I'll drive and see my grandma and stay with them while my roommates explore the historic capital. Everything will go smoothly. Everyone will be happy and most importantly, I'll be able to do and show everyone dear to me everything I enjoy and love.

It wasn't until my mom interjected.

But not in the stubborn way I was used to, with unrealistic expectations and completely out of the way requests for her own benefit. It was a simple one.

She needed a wheelchair for the airport.

She doesn't walk much anymore.

The years have not been kind to her or her back, or her legs.

"C'mon," I scoffed. "Are you kidding me?"

It probably sounded cruel when I said it, but I think my brain was scolding the absurdity of it all. How time, the antagonist of my life, had done it again. This moment, however, it happened far away from my eyes to witness its constant ticking.

I look in the mirror and still own the same face I had a decade ago. I've complained about all the milestones I haven't reached yet at my age. But time felt very different for my mother. When I left her in Jersey, she was agile, normal for her age, even.

But that was almost 7 years ago.

And although I couldn't see the years in my own reflection, she felt it in her bones and away from any phone line that has separated us all this time.

I let the subject go, told her I'll figure out what to do, and see if I could accommodate. All the plans and fake memories I had conjured in my mind vanished as fast as they were made.

The moment the call ended, I cried. I sobbed, I trashed about. Angry at the world.

But I was a child born at the end of March, and that particular trait comes with an insatiable desire to get up and try again. So right after I cried, I looked up different things we would do while she was here. Wheelchair accessible parks and rivers and streams I could drive up to. I researched as much as I could. I called my dad regarding the change of plans, the suggestions I've made, the extension of my vacation to accommodate seeing my mother in Jersey instead. He listened to my rant, the impossibility of it all. The extra money it would take, the extra effort I was willing to go through, just to ensure the time with my mother would not go in vain.

"Stop."

"STOP."

"S T O P."

"You can't have your cake and eat it too. You must choose. You can't do all of these things together to please everyone... to please yourself. You will have to see your mother another time."

I managed to slip in other methods to my madness, but he insisted I should stop and that it wasn't possible, and even if it was, it would require time and money that I didn't have.

He was right, of course, and I swallowed the shameless enthusiasm like a stubborn child not wanting to eat anything green. On the outside, I seemed bothered, but I wore the sentiment of everything I've thought on my sleeve. The following day at work, after a few rude customers in a row, I managed to release a few tears when I ripped the receipt and handed it to one of them. I don't think they expected the sudden emotion, and quite frankly, neither did I. A coworker saw me, and I burst into tears the moment they acknowledged the streams on my cheeks. I walked off and sobbed in the back. I kept thinking about all the different fun things I thought I could do with my mother. How all those scenes were stuck in my mind forever like a prison. Unable to be released. Unable to be lived and experienced in the same way they were lovingly crafted to be. How the mother in those visions had thinning hair, a few extra wrinkles, but was still light on her feet and eager to see the world I would have shown her so willingly and happily. I had shown that version of my mother so much that the real one would never see.

All of these hopes had vanished in an instant.

It's a familiar pattern I didn't want to notice.

I always mourn what could have been, regarding everything and everyone in my life.

The marriage I wanted to experience before my 30s, the birthdays surrounded by a blended family I had created. The friends I'd invite to places, the partner I wanted to travel the world with. Now, something as simple as having my mother sit across from me at my dining room table seemed just as unreachable as all those other hopes and dreams.

I succumbed to the pressure and just cried. No one had ever seen me like that at work. The following day, I had so many people ask if I was okay. I lied and said that I was. How could I ever tell anyone that I was upset with my own imagination?

With a heavy heart and a week's worth of tears, I gave up. I canceled all plans of bringing my mother here, and I erased all hopes of seeing her ever within the walls of my apartment. I'm not happy about it, and I've been so somber as of late, but I've come to terms with it.

And seeing as how I'm currently on a diet, he was right. I can't have my cake and eat it too.

Perhaps I'll settle for some fruit instead.

And do what I always do best; close my eyes and imagine that it's cake.

[girlyblunts]

I've been wanting to talk about this for days but haven't really been able to find the right words... During the last few days before my Nan passed, I had started giving her reiki at first just to help ease some of the small discomfort she was having in her abdomen from the tumor, when she would cough. I've been attuned to Usui reiki for a long time probably between the ages of 8-10ish, and received my second level attunement like sometime last yr. I know from experience of my teachers just how real and a miracle that reiki truly is, but I've always been self conscious in talking about and performing it on people that don't really know about it.

Early the morning of her passing, her breathing had kept declining every few hours and we just knew that it was going to happen sometime that day. My aunt and one of my cousins came over early and we were all with her, I never left her side in that bed that day. My body just decided on it's own to start giving reiki again, and I hadn't been and usually would not do so in front of anyone except for my mom. Mom was sitting on the other side of the bed next to my grandma when i had started giving reiki and using the power symbols on her crown and heart chakra, visualizing myself gently pulling in light/reiki energy into her body and she had said immediately within the same minute her breathing just started to gently relax into a rhythm like gentle waves hitting the shore. It all happened so fast, maybe within 3 minutes of me starting at most. I couldn't tell if she really was or not getting ready to pass over in those moments, I had a very brief moment of doubt for what i was doing and what was happening but before I could even respond to my rational brain, this giant wave of emotion refocused me and I moved my hand down to her solar plexus and that's when I could so clearly see her spirit's silver cord that we all have that connects our soul to the universal lifeforce/the other side of the veil. It was translucent and I could physically see the reiki energy swirling around and up her cord to her, it was so many different iridescent colors, but it truly looked like galaxies and stardust. It goes beyond any words I could try to describe. It was exactly like how my mom had described her breathing, like gentle waves. I could feel the energy inside of her build up within those few minutes until it reached its peak and she was completely enveloped within that wave and drifted back out for the last time. she didn't wretch, gasp or moan out, mom said that her brow didn't even furrow. I still cant even comprehend how beautiful it was for me to be a literal midwife in helping her cross over and be reborn again through reiki. I didn't think it was even possible for death to ever be this beautiful, taking care of her so lovingly, and getting to send her home with dignity and grace. I will never forget the gift that we both got to give each other in that moment, and yet again I didn't think that anything else could possibly happen to strengthen the bond and love i have for my Nan. But this really changed my fucking life completely.

After she was gone, I had went outside to the car so that I could call Tristan and tell him what the hell just happened and that she got to pass on in true bliss and comfort. After I had said everything and we were just both sitting there quietly crying, She came to me immediately and put her hand on the back of my neck and said "thank you so much baby, I'm okay. everything's okay now" then without human form, she wrapped me inside of her energy in this totally enveloping hug. It felt like being wrapped in a blanket, or very large angel wings. I knew she was okay and home and completely free but it still meant so much to me to hear. The weather that couple of days had been her favorite kind of weather, there was a small cold front that made it go down into the 70's and it was constantly raining and thundering at night time. Just how strongly I felt her all around outside when I got out of the car to go inside, in the hazy sky, the scent and feel of rain on the ground in my socks, how colorful and full the flowers were from the rain, the way the wind was blowing the trees, I felt her in everything.

[annieintheaair]

I'm doing my best getting used to life after you. Some things are gettin' easier to do, like knowing I won't find another you.

The other night, after not going to work and staying home and writing on here, I went to bed and had a dream that felt super real. Something in the dream indicated that it took place in 2022. Dan was still alive. It was actually a very happy dream, but within the dream, I knew that he was going to die soon. Everything in me wanted to tell him that he only had a few months to live but at the same time, I withheld that and enjoyed my time with him in the dream.

There was a time, many years ago, around 2013, when Dan and I didn't talk for a while. I think it was like six months or something and during that time, the Red Sox won the World Series and my grandma passed away. When we didn't talk for that time, I wondered if something had happened to him. It wasn't like we had had a really bad fight and stopped talking but something at the time had really pulled us apart. I didn't want to reach out but I constantly wondered if something had happened to him. I thought maybe he had died. Looking back, I wonder if it was some sort of premonition; I knew that he didn't have the forever that he thought that he did.

I wish I had listened to that part of me that maybe knew there wasn't a lot of time left. I wish I had taken advantage of the time that we had. I wish that I had done a lot of things differently.

Last week continued the series of things not going how I planned them and trying to come to terms with letting go of all of my expectations. We had some drama at work on Monday night, then Tuesday could have gone ok but due to the weather, yet again, we got delayed getting home Wednesday morning.

By Thursday morning, I was drained. I had to take my Civic for (overdue) servicing that morning so I drove Shawna home on my way and then stopped at Market Street for a breakfast burrito. At the mechanic, I sat next to and chatted with an older man who told me that his car needed a lot of work but he couldn’t part with it because it was his late wife’s car and she loved it. It made me think about how I have memories of Dan being in my Civic with me and when we had twin cars (I had blue and he had silver). I’ll probably be driving the Civic forever or at least until it dies on me because I just can’t part with it. The sentimental value is too high. The older man made me think about that kind of love— refusing to part with something someone you loved, loved. I wished I could find a love like that, that lasts forever.

When I got home, I had a meeting for my second job. I struggled to stay awake during it and as soon as it was over, I closed my laptop and took a nap.

I dropped my San Antonio trip that night to stay home and pack for my trip. I had some wine, watched movies, and went to bed.

Friday morning I got up and ready and then drove my dogs to Kia’s house before heading to Love Field in Dallas to try to catch a Southwest flight to Baltimore. My flight was delayed so after dealing with the struggle that was trying to find a parking spot, I got through security and went to Cru to drink some wine and work on my computer.

Luck would have it— I didn’t get a seat on the flight and the rest of the delayed flights for the day didn’t look promising either. I cancelled my whole trip and drove back to Kia’s to get my dogs and hung out there for a bit while the traffic calmed down. I was super bummed about not getting to spend the weekend with my family and celebrate my nephew, Graham’s first birthday.

It was a pretty low-key Friday night, going to bed, and getting up Saturday morning thinking I should try to go to work, but of course, I wasn’t motivated. I didn’t even make it to yoga on Saturday morning. By late in the day, I decided to go to Total Wine and Trader Joe’s. When I got home, I made myself an aperol spritz (ok, more than one). I’ve been jamming out to the new Shaboozie song, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” and although that song would be best with a Lynchburg Lemonade, I drank my aperol spritz from the large wine glass I bought when I lived with Dan on 5th Street. After a few drinks, I was dozing off on my couch.

Sunday I watched church on TV and continued to put out fires at my second job. A lot of wrong items were shipped out so I’ve been spending the last few days emailing UPS return labels and manually creating new orders. It feels never ending and there could be up to 70 incorrect orders. I’m (only) at 20 so far.

Since I dropped my trip on Thursday, I knew I needed to pickup a trip to make up for it but I was already committed to going to yoga at 6pm. Right before leaving my house for yoga, a trip with a late sign in popped up on ETB (our trade board) so I picked it up. Somehow I convinced Matt to pickup the other position to go with me.

Aside from the annoying bug on the floor at yoga, it was just what I needed to finish out the weekend. I had just enough time after to go home and shower and then be on my way to work.

Our delayed flight ended up delaying further so I barely got any sleep that night in San Antonio but it was fun to work with Matt so I at least had someone to talk to in the back.

Monday morning I tried to sleep but barely slept. I spent the day being lazy at home before going back to work that night for yet another delayed flight to Oklahoma City. I’m going back to San Antonio tonight and of course, my flight is delayed again.

I had every intention of running errands today and going to Costco but the rain kept me home under a cozy blanket and I ordered Del Frisco’s on Uber Eats.

I’ve been getting a lot of my quilt done lately, which has been great. I’m calling it my delay quilt since I’m taking advantage of all these delayed flights to work on it. When my mom made me the quilt I now have on my bed, she said for years that she would make me one once I finished high school but then I left high school after 3 years and she changed it to college. I finished college in 3 years too and there was still no quilt but then she said once I got my first job and then my first place on my own. I felt like there was always a new thing to achieve before the quilt would be done. When I finally moved to Texas, my mom finished my quilt about a year into living here. I joked about my own quilt that I’d be done by the time I get married but honestly, it’s very possible it will be done this year (and I’m obviously not getting married haha).

June is always a hard time of the year for me. I’ve never been big on birthdays and mine is less than a week away. I’m struggling with knowing that when I turn 35, I will be an age that Dan never got to be since he passed away shortly after his 34th birthday. 14 years ago I had a mental health crisis, and 13 years ago I lost my job and in some ways, also lost Dan. I try not to put too much pressure on my birthday so it’s not a disappointment like it was last year when I wanted to have a party but never got to. When I turned 33, things went almost exactly as planned and it turned out to be a pretty good birthday.

This year, I don’t have a whole lot planned but will be celebrating a little early by seeing Julia Cole in concert in Dallas on Thursday. I can’t contain my excitement. I’ve been jamming out to her songs all week on my rides to and from work and for the last few years, I’ve been one of her top Spotify listeners. Especially after breakups, Julia’s songs really resonate with me. There’s nothing quite like singing your heart out with the words that you didn’t know how to put together yourself but feel them to your core. Matt dropped his trip on Thursday so he could go to the concert with me, which I thought was nice.

Life has been so far from everything I had planned, especially this month. The houses I’m trying to move to this summer keep delaying move-ins so I’m starting to think I might have to find something else. I also got pulled onto reserve next month, which is a whole struggle in itself trying to manage being on call and needing a dog sitter. I’m praying that everything works out and I somehow survive July.

I hate having to constantly adjust my expectations these days because I just feel so incredibly disappointed lately. It feels like one thing after the next.

Anyway, I’m about to board my flight to San Antonio. Praying for no drama tonight and an on-time arrival tomorrow morning. Honestly, is it Thursday yet? I need a night off!

xoxo

Annie