#this could have been worded better but nyeeeeh

[fauxrest]

Mage’s Familiarity

@yurironpaweek

[SPOILERS FOR DANGANRONPA V3: KILLING HARMONY.]

Himiko Yumeno may have grown a few inches, but she’s not sure she’s any better. More aware, perhaps, but is that really a good thing?  (Harukawa Maki/Himiko Yumeno; can probably be read as platonic.)

Written for Day 4 of YuriRonpa Week: new beginnings. (Click here to read it on AO3!)

A/N: This was written in less than a day and I'm not sure how to feel about it, except that it's short enough that hopefully it's not much of a loss if you read it and don't like it. I had wanted to write a short OumaSai one-shot and then return to the first fic, but that one-shot ended up a lot more complex than I had intended for it to be, and I felt like writing something shorter in the meantime. So... here this is.

“Hey.” Maki Harukawa sat down on the floor, at the other side of the kotatsu, not bothering to get under the futon.

Himiko looked up from her book. It was Shuichi’s book, before, but it was a fantasy novel and he said she would like it better than he did… so now it was her book. “Nyeh… hi, Maki.” 

“No ‘Maki Roll’?” 

“I’m not allowed to call you that, right?” Himiko asked tiredly. She picked a playing card and slipped it into the pages for a bookmark. It was the three of hearts; she was sentimental lately. Whether it stood for Angie and Tenko or for her fellow survivors, she couldn’t decide, but everything good seemed to come in threes, and hearts were the one thing they had—“they” meaning the fictional characters created for the final season of Danganronpa. Himiko rubbed her eyes and tried to sit up straight. She could never completely erase the flaw Team Danganronpa built into her… but she could try to be better. Real people didn’t act like that. Not to the extent she used to do.

“No, but it’s weird for you to respect my wishes. What’s wrong?”

Himiko blinked. ‘What’s wrong’? Maki asked me that, huh…? “Nothing, Maki Roll!” Himiko perked up. “Mmmm… pick a card, okay?”

“Seriously? Card tricks again?” Maki’s lips turned up a little! Himiko smiled in turn.

“Just do it!”

…

…

…

“You got me again,” Maki commented flatly. “Can we stop now?” Himiko shook her head and readied another trick. Now that she had started, she decided, she had to practice every trick she knew at least once.

…Or at least a certain number of them. The sum of the numbers Maki had picked was three plus four plus two… so nine. “Nyeeeeh, I have six more.”

...

...

...

“…Good job,” Maki said. “How many is that now?”

“That’s the last one!” Himiko answered with a smile. “I feel better now… Thanks.” Maki nodded.

The shorter girl shifted and wrapped her arms around her chest. Even with the futon, winter was hard on her. She wanted to earn enough money to get a better apartment. They had given their reward money away. It was a statement. Shuichi had done it, so the other two followed suit. “Okay,” she said, “I’ve decided. I won’t steal Kaito’s nickname for you. He’s special, right?” Maki averted her gaze.

Then something unexpected happened, and Himiko squinted in confusion at the space where Maki was a moment ago before she was pulled up by a soft, slender hand in hers. “You’re different people,” Maki explained calmly. Without another word, she led Himiko to the bedroom the girls shared. (Shuichi had his own, smaller room, because he said he felt strange sharing a room with other people. Maki and Himiko’s beds were stationed on opposite sides of the room from each other. They weren’t particularly comfortable, but they weren’t terrible, either.)

None of them spoke to or of their families anymore. Himiko’s parents had reached out to her, but they were nothing like the single mom or her mentor from the false past she had been given, and they both liked Danganronpa. Even if the world had been changed… sort of… by what the three had done—what Shuichi and Maki had done, thought Himiko, for she had always been a follower and nothing more in the game no matter what her two friends said—there were still plenty who resisted the change. Things didn’t shift magically like that; Himiko herself was an example. 

Besides, Shuichi and Maki had no one, and so they decided to share a home; Maki’s talent was useless in the real world. There was no need for assassins, so no real organizations like Maki’s existed in the first place. And if there were, Maki had said once, she wouldn’t join them. Himiko selfishly didn’t want her best friends to be closer to each other than to her, and she wanted to help. Besides, it meant they could all attend the same school, and spend time together, and share the burdens of cooking and cleaning and everything else. Himiko wasn’t used to taking care of herself. Maki helped her a lot, with all the things Shuichi couldn’t, because he was a boy and he didn’t want to be inappropriate and he didn’t know how to do things like take care of long hair—Himiko was growing hers out, because she wanted to change in every way she could and because she wanted to be closer to Tenko.

Maki said Himiko helped her learn to be normal and have fun, and Shuichi said that it was because she was more light-hearted than either of them. Himiko was an entertainer by nature. Even if Tenko had died for her, and even if her family was fake, and even if her mentor never existed, this one part of her stayed true. At the same time, because of this, Himiko had come to realize something: the other two looked out for her.

They were always looking out for her, and that was why she couldn’t trust them when they said she was good or fun or important. It was nice to hear, but it wasn’t enough.

Maki sat on Himiko’s bed and carefully, tenderly pulled her into a very awkward Maki-style embrace. Himiko shivered and buried her head in the other girl’s clothes. Maki was still in her school uniform, which was gray and bland and reminiscent of Kaede’s from the audition tapes they had seen, although not the same.

“You need warmer clothes,” Maki muttered.

“I miss Tenko,” Himiko answered groggily.

The magician realized what she had said a second later and widened her eyes in horror, covering her mouth with her hand in what must have looked like the most clichéd gesture straight out of a TV show, but Maki nodded silently. In her arms, Himiko relaxed a little more and huddled closer. Even if Maki acted stoic and cold, she was warm on the inside. Himiko wanted to say that, for she thought it quite poetic, but instead she explained what she had been thinking about when Maki came home, when she had been trying to read Shuichi’s fantasy book and her eyes had passed absently over the words.

“I miss Tenko, but she only liked me because she was built that way. That’s why she was all obsessed and stuff. I didn’t like it back then, but now that she’s gone, and my mommy—my mom is gone, there’s nobody that needs me. Right? I mean… honestly. Really, truly needs me,” she rambled, her voice fading into a murmur at the end. She buried her face in Maki’s chest and felt the other girl’s breath get louder. Oh. That was a sigh.

“Look,” Maki said, “‘need’ isn’t important. I wouldn’t tell you that you helped me if it weren’t true. You should know that by now, but I guess you never will, huh?”

“It’s hard.”

Maki’s grip tightened, and Himiko looked up. 

The other girl was blushing.

Maki continued, “I’ll never ‘need’ anyone, but you’re important to me, and I would be...” She stopped, and so did her breath. Himiko blinked. Maki was staring at the window that looked out on the boring, busy street, but her arms were still firmly around Himiko. “I would be a lot worse off if you weren’t here. So would Shuichi, but probably… not in the same way.”

The girl lifted one hand and messed absently with a strand of her long, dark hair. “You aren’t Kaito. Our actions from now on are our own. I can’t be Tenko, either, and I wouldn’t want to be.”

Himiko felt her heart lift at those words. She nodded. “I wouldn’t want you to be, either.”

Endnotes: I wanted to write something and the fic I had been planning turned out a lot longer than I had anticipated. Zoinks.

I feel like I may have seen “three of hearts” used somewhere in a survivor fic before… or something similar with cards as a theme? Or maybe I’m getting things mixed up, but whatever the case, it’s not my intent to copy anybody. If I’m doing something too similar to someone else, I might have been unconsciously influenced by it, because I’ve definitely read a couple survivor fics before (including one or two with this pairing). So… mention it to me if you know one? I mean, even if it didn’t influence me, I might want to read it, haha. ^^

...Also, criticism is greatly appreciated, even for something I wrote on a whim and am already a tiny bit tempted to delete but probably won’t.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling diary #8 (my memory is baaad plus some general frustrations and encouragements)

This past week was kinda hmm... nyeeeeh. I wouldn't say I did anything particularly exciting or new or memorable and I was kinda sickly but it wasn't bad bad and that's all that matters ^^ My memory is bad bad baaaaad in other words, same as usual lol

I’ve decided I’m gonna try to write this weeks (or well, last weeks) stuff using the tumblr app this time, I haven't really used it much, but it's been pretty neat so far aka I cba to clear my desk and use the pc. My typo rate is srsly v. high tho and I wanna shorten the words cuz phone typing and effort but I think I actually type about the same speed with my phone as I do on the PC hah... If only I could read back the text and edit stuff easier as I go along though... oh welp. (Whoa phew, I thought I accidentally posted it by accident lulz the app gives a 'it posted' notification when I save it as a draft what even lol)

This weeks counselling app was... pretty alright, though I'm feeling the pressure and the nerves more now because as predicted I am expected to try even more harder with the communication and skill learning stuff for next time and I really arghhh xwx I only just got over the last wall and the next one seems way more difficult to scale... but I think I can do it... I just need to push away the unhelpful thoughts and persist..! >^<

So that sheet about emotions and thoughts I had to do... I only managed to write two small things but it's something at least, we didn't actually look over it this session because we were still looking at the unhelpful behaviour sheet from last last time which was a slight relief but I still have the sheet now and need to fill it by next week xwx

The behaviour we went over was to do with comparing yourself to others and I really can't remember a lot of the things that was said gdi... maybe I'll just bullet point some of the important stuff and the rest will come back to me easier... and so I don't forget even more lol I'm just feeling extra lazy and unmovtivated hahaha.. ugh @v@"

🍰 Every person has their own views on things/their own way of doing or reacting to things and there is no right or wrong way in essence. Like baking a cake, one person may use so and so ingredients and the other such and such or even something that seems pretty unconventional but they both still result in cakes. Another person may prefer the taste of cake 1 over 2 and another person cake 2 over 1. No one is wrong in their choices, it’s just personal preference.

🥞 All professions work together in harmony and are necessary to make up and keep up a society. There is no need to be ashamed of or think lowly of your profession because it is just as important (eg. trash collector people, some people might think lowly of them but without them there would be a mess of vermin and disease etc etc as juxtaposed with another profession like a doctor which is usually thought highly of).

🍕 The only way to break the cycle is by doing. Doing will provide you with the experience and evidence needed to override your negative presumptions and this in turn will allow you to get past the things holding you back and grow. Your beliefs should run on facts and not irrational thoughts which probably hold no truth at all. 

🍔 Like reading a book, you only know as much as you've read (your current and past experiences and beliefs), but there is still so much left to learn and absorb if you push forward and continue. The parts you haven't read yet (future experiences and knowledge etc) may be the positive and powerful parts needed to neutralise and flip back the negative beginning chapters.

🍝 You live in a place where freedom and choice is encouraged and accepted (unlike some other places in the world where people live under strict control), so why would you willingly choose to cage yourself in with all these rules and restrictions..? (T^T Idk why... but I don’t want to no more that’s for sure!)

🍦 Everything you do should be for your own approval and not anyone else’s. It’s your life and your choices, not theirs. Your own opinions matter most and your own wellbeing should be your priority. Do it all for yourself.

🍩 I would really like a doughnut right now, damn. I can’t have any of these foods rn cause of my diet lolol... they’re unhealthy anyways ^^”

These are some really awfully phrased retellings of the stuff the counsellor told me, but that’s basically all I can remember right now but they give very interesting and useful views on things. Normally I would rephrase them even more or not include the examples but w/e I need to stop being so afraid, just get it all down nice and straightforward and truthful! Yeah, I could've just used the actual bullet point formatting but food emoji is much more exciting of course :D I literally can’t think anymore about last week, I’m just so overwhelmed with this week, my head hurts with the mental effort x^x I decided to go back to using the pc, the app is good for brief things only I guess.

In terms of doing something brave or well out of my comfort zone, I walked down a few streets on my own and went to collect some post. It’s something I’ve done before (though not completely on my own) but I still had a hella awkward time at the desk cause the queue was kind of jumbled and idk if the person before me was actually someone that came after, I thought maybe they were an employee and went behind them instead or maybe they skipped in front idk ugh... I really suck at looking and remembering people’s faces sometimes.

If I wanted to go somewhere else on my own my parents would probably not let me go and my dad would lecture me all the safety things even more than usual (seriously, I get the don’t talk to strangers type of line every single time..!). I’m not a child, I shouldn’t have to ask for permission and this time I didn’t ask, I just said where I was going and why and left but if I tried that to go anywhere else then they’d get ruffled. But the main thing is the communication again I guess, as long as they are informed, it’ll lessen the stress and make them more open to me taking my own initiative. 

Like I understand they want me to be safe, it’s what parents do and I obviously don’t want to run into any trouble too, but sometimes being too overprotective and overly cautious means I’m just stuck and can’t grow at all. It just goes to make me even more scared of the world, when I should be out there doing things like everyone else, it sucks. 

I know in parents eyes, their daughters and sons will always be their kids, their babies, but at some point they will see them as adults too and well, that just isn’t happening for me. I haven’t proven myself worthy of the adult title and I also feel I don’t deserve it yet, it seems a long way off still but it feels so ridiculous, but what is age but just a number anyways, everyone goes at different paces. I shouldn’t dwell on this too much and just try my best to prove to myself, yes myself first and foremost, that I can be an adult, I can be responsible and independent at least a little more. I need a better action plan really... besides the vague, get a job, learn to drive, cook etc. idk what else @^@” I’m getting a little ahead of myself with even this though, gotta not forget, take things slow and gradually, baby steps!! ^^

In my other endeavours with art and posting things online, it’s just come to a stand still or gone backwards actually, I’ve just gotten so scared again, I can’t put a pen to paper or even leave a comment on other people’s stuff anymore and it feels really awful, like why can’t I just do it and forget about feeling foolish or judged or inadequate, I keep overthinking again gdi..!! >^< I keep wanting to plan things and have things all perfect and ready instead of just getting things done as I go like other people... damn, I keep saying like other people, constantly comparing myself to them, that’s another reason I’ve gotten scared to try again with anything. 

Gosh, these unhelpful habits are for reals and are the worst, at least I’m more aware of them though, maybe I can fight them back a bit better now that I know how draining and evil they are... Okay! I challenge you unhelpful habits!! Imma throw you in the trash and get my ass moving! You’ve got nothing on me! I can do it!! Ugh... ;^; No no, no sad! Fight fight fight! Go go go! ò^ó

My sis got me a lot of gifts relating to art, she encourages me through this and her kind words and wants me to do well, I want me to do well too and to show my gratitude with action, so imma do well and make a lot of nice arts to be proud of! They don’t have to be perfect! I saw a quote that was something like ‘even the pages on your bad days are better than the ones on the days you did nothing’ (I just totally butchered that lol) or something like that and it was like, damn, that’s true. A little practice even if it’s not serious is better than nothing at all! Okay okay I’m pumped!

The stuff I had to do this week is to help out at the front of the shop, gain some experience and converse with customers..! I already attempted it once for a short time and welp, it was scary but I guess not that bad (also I kinda botched up a phone order maybe) but I keep reading into things too deeply and negatively and it scared me off and now as usual the week is ending and my opportunities to try are limited, need to get my ass in gear, c’mon I can do it! Don’t be afraid, you’re doing well, keep going! ^^”... go go go! ^u^

Maybe I can kill 2 birds with one stone, sit and observe but also draw, space is limited though so idk if it’ll work out but there’s no harm giving it a try I guess. Must not forget to fill in that emotions/thoughts sheet ugh, I should have done it as I actually do stuff but I do things in bad and unconventional ways. Need to break a lot of habits. I downloaded this app that is supposed to help you build new healthy habits, so far all it’s wanted me to do is to drink water when I wake up so I feel more energised lol but I did it and it does help, I wonder if I can build a lot of other good habits too, it certainly makes things feel more fun in a way.

Everyday in my mind I want to look over the days happenings in a more positive light and congratulate myself for all the small things I did that I maybe I wouldn’t have some weeks ago, so I can see how much I actually improved and have put effort in. Even though on the surface it just all seems meh, I want to let myself see how things have actually become a little easier and how the negative thoughts relating to them has begun to affect me less and take up less space in my conscious. Be proud of yourself and all your endeavours, silly!

Hmm, this post is probably shorter than my usual one but oh well, I don’t want to spend too much time rambling or ruminating or being a paralysed perfectionist, I’ve got other bigger fish to fry! And draw and eat omnomnom! Yolo! x3

Okay okay, now I’m going to go do some artsy fartsy stuff or at least have myself set up for it and my conversing/experience gaining challenge hoo! Believe in yourself, you can do it! Let’s go go! :D

Have a lovely evening and keep trying, keep flying! ^^