#this is a 'a phone app was weirdly mean to me???' kind of post

[ladysophiebeckett]

the other day the tiktok algorithm showed me back to back videos of bichons, nonstop. without even having previously liked a video of one. the first one i was like 'okay, cute' but then after scrolling to the 3rd and 4th i was like 'this feels excessive and a little bit cruel??'. can't stop thinking about it.

[steddiecameraroll]

The Artist and The Hair - Part 4 (complete)

[part 1] [read entire fic on ao3]

Eddie jumps off the stage and moves to the participant to offer assistance.

“I think you two would be perfect together. And I don’t mean like a one-night stand kinda thing. So give him a chance, ok?”

“Have you talked about me a lot? To him?”

“Well, I mean, I haven’t spilled any secrets or anything, but he saw a picture of us on Instagram after I’d mentioned you, and then he would sometimes ask questions. So I think he’s had a crush on you for a little bit, even before meeting you.”

“On Instagram?”

“Yeah, we follow each other.”

“Does he follow me?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think about that. You should check.”

Steve reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his phone, swiping it open and pulling up the app.

“What’s his handle?”

“Something about bats, I don’t know. Go to the studio’s account and look at tonight’s post. They usually tag him.”

Steve does just that and then recognizes the profile photo. He clicks on it and opens Eddie’s page.

“So?” She asks.

“Yeah, um, and I follow him.”

“What? How?”

“I liked his art. He followed me, and then I checked out his profile and thought it was cool. He never posts selfies or anything of himself. I didn’t know it was him.”

“Oh my god, do you two like each other’s posts?”

“Yeah, like every time.”

“Jesus Christ, like a fucking rom-com or some shit.”

“I kinda would get happy when I saw his notifications too.”

“WHAT?” She laughs and then ducks down behind her canvas. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I mean, he has these videos of him drawing, and he has kinda sexy hands, and he’s fucking talented, ok. Plus tattoos. I mean, Rob, I’m a weak man.”

“How is this fucking real? You had a crush on him, didn’t you?” She whisper yells at him.

“Yes,” Steve puts his face in his hands. “And he has the cutest dog. Rob, he has a dog. Oh my god. Now I’m weirdly nervous.”

“How do you know he has a dog?”

“He posts like normal stuff in his stories.”

“I better get the first wedding invitation.” She laughs and tilts her head back to look at the ceiling.

“Shut up. Now I’m nervous.”

“Why? Because you just found out the hot guy you’ve been eye fucking all night is also the cute Instagram man you’ve been crushing on? Yeah, that sounds terrible to me.” She rolls her eyes and swishes her brush back and forth in the cup of water. “This actually makes so much sense now.”

“Why? What do you mean?” He turns to her and crouches closer.

“Because sometimes, after we hung out on the weekend, he’d ask me pointed questions about what we got up to. You know I always put shit up on my Instagram stories, so he must’ve seen them. You two are actually so much grosser than I imagined. Ugh, I hate you.” She sighs with a smile and zero animosity.

“Why?”

“Because now I want a girlfriend.”

“What? He’s not my boyfriend, Jesus. Slow down.”

“He’s gonna be, and then I have to deal with what you two have been doing all night, all the time. It was funny until, apparently, I walked into a fucking Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movie.”

“We may end up hating each other. You don’t know.” He huffs and awkwardly avoids looking up at Eddie.

“I don’t have that kind of luck, dingus.”

“So here we are, the last step of the night. I know it’s a shame, but if you realize you miss me giving you directions later this week, you can always come back. I do love telling people what to do.” The group laughs while Eddie’s eyes fall on Steve before he quickly looks away, turning to his painting.

Eddie walks the class through their last step and then reminds everyone to sign their finished paintings at the bottom corner.

“Don’t forget to drive safe, and come back next month where we’ll paint a saguaro cactus. I promise it’s cooler than it sounds.”

The class disperses, and everyone says their goodbyes. Some people approach Eddie to thank him and give him kudos. A few people are milling around finishing their last drinks when Robin and Steve move over to Eddie, who’s starting to throw cups of paint away.

“I would never say this sober, but you’re not a terrible teacher, Eddie,” Robin smirks at him and then playfully punches his shoulder.

“Oh shit, that’s high praise coming from you, Buckley. I won’t take that for granted.” He slides his hand around her shoulder and pulls her into a tight hug that she pretends to struggle beneath.

“Yeah, yeah. Apparently, you two have a lot to catch up on and divulge. Talk to you tomorrow, dingus. I’m outta here.” She looks between Eddie and Steve, then laughs and shakes her head while walking away.

“What is she talking about?” Eddie asks.

“Um,” Steve puts his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor nervously. “Apparently, you follow me on Instagram, and I have been following you this whole time and didn’t know it.” Steve’s eyes flit up to catch a surprised look on Eddie’s face.

“Oh, uh yeah, sorry if that’s weird.” Eddie nervously steps away from Steve and starts tugging on a stray strand of hair falling from his bun. “I didn’t- like it wasn’t some ploy or- I wasn’t….”

“Eddie, it’s fine.” Steve laughs a little and sees Eddie’s shoulders loosen slightly. “I think it’s kinda cute, actually.”

“Really?” Eddie sighs and nervously pulls his strand of hair over his smile. “Robin would just tell me how great her best friend was, and I mean, I saw her tag you, so I thought, how great could he be, really? No one is that great. It was research.” 

Steve bites back a smile and glances around the room, noticing they are alone. He takes a cautious step closer to Eddie but keeps his gaze down.

“What did you find out with this research?”

“Well, um- that you will order a caramel Frappuccino every few weeks and then absolutely bash yourself over it for days. Which is really unhealthy, by the way.”

“I know. That’s why I get so mad at myself. I know they’re unhealthy, but I have no self-control.”

“No, no, not the frap,” Eddie chuckles. “You being hard on yourself. You kinda do it a lot, or at least of what I’ve seen. You should be nicer to yourself, man. I’ve also seen you be kind to some kids you act annoyed by, but I can tell you care about them.”

Steve blushes but takes another step closer.

“What else?”

“You have an awful lot of plants in your apartment.”

“Robin’s always giving me grief about them. I can’t help it when I see a sad little plant on the verge of being thrown away. It just needs a little love.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says softly and catches Steve off guard.

Eddie takes a small step closer to Steve, now only a few feet away.

“What else?”

“You have absolutely terrible bedhead, but you sound really sexy right after you wake up. Those stories might be my favorite.” Eddie keeps his eyes on Steve and moves in closer. “When you’re complaining about having to go to work for an early shift, and you make this little groan when you stretch. But enough about you, what about me? If I remember correctly, you’re also following my account and tend to be one of my most active followers. Hmmm, why’s that?” Eddie asks just as he reaches out and lets his fingers graze across Steve’s wrist.

Steve raises his arm, letting Eddie wrap his fingers gently around him.

“I liked your drawings- and maybe your dog.” Steve bites back a smile while Eddie takes the last step between them.

“It’s always my dog. He’s cute, though. I understand. So much cuter than me.” Eddie grabs Steve’s other wrist and slides his hands up his forearms.

Steve feels a chill run up his skin and across his neck.

“I also liked watching you draw- your hands, fingers. You leave your rings on when you draw. It’s sexy.”

Eddie smirks. “These hands?” He asks, then rubs his palms up and down Steve’s arms.

Steve’s eyes flutter involuntarily. “Y-yeah,” he responds a little breathlessly.

“Maybe later you can find out what else these hands can do.”

Steve bites his bottom lip and blinks back at Eddie while lost in that thought, giving him a slight nod.

Eddie slides his hands further up Steve’s arms and over his shoulders, sending a shiver through Steve. 

“Is this ok?” Eddie asks softly while his gaze gets pulled down to Steve’s lips.

“Mhm,” Steve nods.

“I’m glad you came tonight,” Eddie whispers and continues touching his hands over Steve’s shoulders. He moves them up over his neck, his fingers sliding into Steve’s hair at the nape.

Steve has to close his eyes at the feelings overwhelming his senses. He swallows hard before opening his eyes again. “Me too.”

Eddie moves closer, their chests centimeters apart, his hands lacing through Steve’s hair.

“I’m going to kiss you now, ok?”

Steve can feel Eddie’s breath woosh across his cheeks, and he nods, Eddie still holding his head.

“O-ok,” Steve whispers.

Eddie closes the gap between them and crashes his lips hard against Steve’s. They both inhale quickly while Steve’s hands rush to Eddie’s waist. Eddie groans against Steve as his fingers curl into Steve’s hair, pulling his mouth firmly against him.

Eddie angles his head, tilting his lips to slot perfectly with Steve’s. Steve spreads his hands wide across Eddie’s back, pressing him closer. The evening of sexual tension explodes into a rushed desperate need to touch.

They spend a few minutes exploring each other’s touch, taste, and bodies letting themselves slip into emotions they both have been missing.

Steve’s the first to pull back, trying to catch his breath.

“Wow,” he smiles, trying to hide his blush.

Eddie leans his forehead against Steve’s. “I bet that’s what you say to all the boys.”

“Naw,” he shakes his head slightly. “Just the really sexy artist types.”

Eddie moves his arms around Steve’s waist and hooks his hands together, leaning back to look at Steve. “So, I have to clean up real quick, but would you wanna grab a drink or dessert or something across the street? They make a pretty good cheesecake if you were up for it.”

Eddie looks bashful, and it makes Steve melt a little inside.

“I’d love to. I’ll help you clean up so we can get out of here quicker.” Steve leans forward and kisses Eddie softly.

“It’s a date.”

coffee? ☕️🍩💕

[bcofl0ve]

you are weirdly obsessed with austin and kaia, i don’t even like kaia that much but with fans like you in their fan base i worry about their safety. and the fact you claim something about being some kind of online tumblr pr person for austin is even scarier. i don’t know how you find out the info you do but it’s oddly disturbing. correct me if i’m wrong but i feel like maybe you think you’re some sort of superior person because you can get “inside information”. i genuinely am disturbed by you and some of your behaviors.

maybe it’s my 8 years of psychology classes so far but please do yourself a favor, close all the apps and set your phone aside, pick some flowers or something.

i mean my post yesterday about being a ‘quasi pr person’ for him during awards season was…a joke. and jokes about being a celebrity you’re a fan of’s “pr manager” are not something i made up myself lolol a film podcast i like sold a shirt during awards season that said “austin butler’s campaign manager”, and i’ve seen that joke made in a variety of fandoms.

a friend of mine told me the ysl thing after she found it (which didn’t require really any digging at all and i’m surprised it took 8 months for someone to find it). i wanted to post about it even if just vaguely bc i know there were some doubts about if the campaign was 100% real and happening. and if i can kabosh those doubts for people then yay!

i do try my best to keep a level head, enforce boundaries with both myself and what i post from other people, and walk that line of what’s gossip vs what’s unsafe/disrespectful to post as best as i can. there’s *a lot* of things ive been told (see: told, without really asking, not found on my own) that you couldn’t pay me to post. and i don’t even want to get really into that bc i’m not trying to streisand effect myself lmfao. but regardless, you don’t have to like me, or gossip or fan culture. different strokes for different folks!

i’m not here to bludgeon you or anyone into that. i simply suggest finding blogs you *do* like and not trying to diagnose the ones you don’t with legitimate mental issues over the internet. i have my mental shit, like most people do, but it has nothing to do with fandom anything.

[miserablerata]

I guess my last post was in July... I don’t have tumblr on my phone anymore. I rarely have any apps on my phone these days actually. It’s kind of sad that I vanished for a bit and no one even noticed or cared. I guess I know who cares and who doesn’t. I mean I really am not the best person alive, so who cares really.  update on my life: I am diabetic still, I was fine for awhile, but I stopped taking my meds and now I am in the bad range again. I completely neglected myself because of school and other things that I have been busy with.  I completely tapered myself off of my effexor er to just 75mg daily and it honestly makes me feel better than the 225mg i was on. i want to come off of it completely, but who knows when I will have the energy to call my psych.  I am going to my fiance’s city on thursday and i am honestly shitting myself constantly from fear that his family will full on reject me. broken family me and whole family him... polar opposites... scary I have been streaming more often and honestly playing less games on my own. I am in college again studying psychology as i weirdly want to be a therapist in the future... i am still engaged. oh and i just have borderline and gad.

[spideyspeaches]

Vibrations per minute ↬ P.P

AN: Based on this post ehehe. (Also 223 followers?! I’m not crying you are ಥ‿ಥ Beta read by my baby sis @parkerpeter24​ <3<3

➳ Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

➳ Warnings: smut (semi public), vibrator, minors dni

➳ WC: 1.8k +

➳ Masterlist || Taglist

Peter Parker was not who he looked to be. He was the kind of guy who impressed parents with his bambi eyes and A+ academic performances, but at the same time, he could be a little shit and tease the fuck out of you. For example-

Bets were a naturally occurring event in the Avengers compound, whether it was between Sam and Bucky about who could eat the most number of marshmallows in one go or between Tony and Peter on who could digest more amount of coffee in the least amount of time (both of which landed them in the medbay). 

So maybe placing a bet with your boyfriend may not have been your most intelligent choice. You were a smart woman, you should have known better than to place a bet with Spider-Man, especially if the bet included cardio. 

And now you were facing the consequences. 

You were sitting in the post mission debriefing room, thighs clenched as you saw your boyfriend trying (and failing) to hide his shit eating smirk. You felt the vibrations inside you once again, a little faster than before. Suppressing a moan, you tried to glare murder at him without letting the others know. 

Puffing your cheeks, you slid down the chair, hands folded on your chest. You were pretty sure your cheeks were blood red with the amount of heat you felt.

"Y/N are you sure you're alright? You look a little flushed." Steve asked, shifting to look at you from where he was besides You. He looked concerned.

"Uh- yeah- yeah I'm good. Just exhausted." You stuttered a response. Huffing, you tried to discreetly rub your stomach from clenching. A little whimper escaped your throat, which you quickly suppressed by picking up the glass of water and chugging down some.

Sam looked at you weirdly, the others not paying attention as Nick Fury asked them questions. 

"Miss Stark if you think you're going to get out of debriefing because your little boyfriend and father are sitting here, you're wrong. Please pay attention" Fury said, looking at you with his pirate eye, before turning around and muttering, "I swear sometimes they behave like school children."

You gave Bucky and Sam a glare as they snickered. 

"I'm sorry, I'll- uhh- I'll pay more attention. I'm just, my tummy hurts." You whimpered, flushing when you realised you had said "tummy" in front of the Avengers. 

"Well you better take care of the tummy ache. Don't want you to poo all over here." Peter smirked, your jaw dropping at how rude the little shit was. How unfortunate would it be when he finds out someone had burnt his Kylo Ren special edition figurine? 

"Fuck you asshat." You seethe, your glare intensifying when he increased the rate of vibrations using the phone app he was holding under the desk.

"Y/N, Peter, enough of this, now listen to what Pirate here has to say before he asks you to skedaddle back to your nursery." Your dad says, rolling his eyes at your childish banter.

You wanted to get out of there. Right away, because you couldn't take the shudders in between your legs anymore, or you would orgasm right there, in front of everyone. 

So to get back at them, you raised your hand like you were in elementary school, asking the teacher for permission, "May I go to the washroom? I wanna poo." You ask innocently, smirking when Fury widened his eyes.

Averting your eyes to your boyfriend, you silently conveyed your message, hoping that he got what you were up to. 

Ignoring the laughter of the babies in the Avengers' bodies, you stood up abruptly before he could change the settings anymore, walking stiffly to the bathroom.

"That was kind of mean of me." Peter finally said when you were out of his vision. 

"Yeah kid, I would've kicked your ass if I didn't know that she would do it before me." Tony snarked, curling his lips and shaking his head before going back to the dossier in front of him.

"You should go and apologise to her Pete. She looked upset." Steve piped in, his disappointed eyebrowsTM showing their way.

"She's in the toilet and he's a horny teenager, you really want him to go right now?" Sam said.

"Ew Sam, get your gutter brain out of here!" Peter defended, not meaning what he said.

In fact he was going to do just that. The entire time during the mission, you had been teasing him one way or another, whether it was landing in certain poses or just touching him every chance you get.

The bet was just an opportunity for him to get back at you for leaving him hot and bothered, dreaming about you all night in that tiny lingerie with spider prints on them.

“Yeah Sam, get out of here.” Natasha joked. Before he could witness the counter arguments though, he left the room, leaving a very noisy meeting room and a very frustrated Nick Fury. 

He found you in the bathroom stalls near the cafeteria. It was the women's bathroom but no one was around this time of the night, so he entered it. 

He could hear your moans and pants, your arousal hitting his nostrils as he tried to hyperfixate on you. His jeans suddenly felt strained at his… web shooter area. 

Opening the bathroom door, he clenched his fists. You were standing there, vibrator out of you and your finger inside, eyes scrunched as you threw your head back, not even noticing him enter.

"Why are you touching yourself?" He growled, smirking innocently when you jerked up, eyes taking a lustful look that sent his blood rushing south. 

"It's your fault. You were the one who made me horny in the middle of those boomers." You gritted. 

Your hand was poised on your waist now, legs still spread apart, your pussy on display. 

Grabbing you by your ass, he picked you up and slammed you against the wall, kissing your jaw, "Just seeking revenge." He mumbled  

"Oh oh Petey- revenge for what?" You moaned, arching your back as he undressed you, grabbing your now unclothed boob and sucking on one nipple, twisting the other with his fingers.

Moaning at the sensation of the cool tiles, you dug your fingers at his back, your wet pussy throbbing for a feel of his dick.

"You did it on purpose didn't you? Showing off during missions?" He sucked at your skin, leaving it tender and brushed, "you know how hot you look while you kick ass?" 

He unbuttoned his pants, letting his dick slip out with his boxers. His length never ceased to amaze you, the thick organ making your mouth water. You imagined it slipping into you, your thighs slipping wider on instinct.

He saw the look you were giving him, his lustful eyes full of mirth and desperation. Without waiting any further, he slipped out a condom from his discarded jeans' pocket, sliding his dick into your wet entrance, your ass hitting the wall as he pushed into your walls. 

Throwing your head back, you hissed as your walls clenched around him.

"You get, you get turned on when I kick ass?" You panted, grabbing his hair in desperation to the coiling in your gut, "Fuck I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna come Pete." 

"Well what are you waiting for princess?" He nibs your ear, squeezing your breasts to his now naked chest. You shuddered at the coolness of his body, he's always been cold to touch. 

"Fuck princess, feel so good." His mouth was slack, his thrusts getting harder as he shoved into you, "so tight for me. Enjoying my cock in your pussy eh?"

"Yes! Oh- I love it Pete I love it!" Hitting your head on his chest, you pinched his nipple, making him groan and hit your stomach, the slapping sound echoing in the bathroom.

"Say it louder pretty girl" 

"Why?" You whined, "I should get back to you for using the vibrator but I'm having too much fun." 

You groaned, Your eyes scrunched when his thrusts started to slow down, his senses too overloaded to work together with his stamina.

"Yeah you're needy aren't you?" He said, out of breath from your little meet. He set you down, wiping off your cum using the tissue paper, flushing it off in the toilet. 

He took a minute to just admire you. Your body was shining from sweat, your breath coming out in short pants. You were completely naked, breasts out to the display. He flushed when you smirked at him, you had caught him staring. Not that you minded.

"My beautiful girl." He said, voice husky from strain as he closed the distance between you both, holding you in his arms. 

You laid your head on his chest, rubbing your cheeks against his pectorals. You could hear his racing heart, chuckling when you saw heat rising up his chest to his neck and then face. 

"Why are you blushing? We literally just fucked." You laughed, tracing circles on his collarbones. He looked ethereal from where you were standing, perfectly sculpted by a skillful sculptor. 

"Because you're amazing and I can't believe you're my girl." He said. 

"Mmhm,” You nodded against him, “Also, do you always keep a condom in your pocket?" 

        __________••☆••__________

There were many reasons as to why you keep around Peter, and one of them is that he's an amazing chef. Living with his aunt and uncle, he and Ben had been the main source of home cooked meals, because Aunt May was never good at cooking. 

You saw him standing in the kitchen, flipping pancakes while he hummed to some melody. You didn't mind, you could stare at him all day. Thankfully, none of the Avengers were awake yet (but they would be. They're huge fans of his food) 

"Morning." You smile, wrapping your hands around his waist, placing your head on his back.

"Did you sleep well?" He asked, moving around as you clung to him like a koala. Giggling, you wrapped your legs around his waist, jumping on his back like a potato sack. 

"Mmhm, the best sleep I've had in a long while." You mumble, words muffled by his back.

"Is that so?" He asked. 

"Yup." 

Hearing shuffling noises, you quickly jumped off of him, fixing your t-shirt and sitting on the dining table.

You saw as Steve and Sam entered the kitchen, Natasha soon following suit. Clint had left for his home early that morning, wanting to meet Laura and his kids as soon as he could. 

You smiled at each of them, nodding a good morning and helping them sort a plate. 

You were arranging the plates when you heard a choked gasp. Alarmed at the sound, you looked up at Steve's horrified expression, looking at where he was pointing a finger.

"What?" You asked, biting your lips.

"That- is that a hickey?!?" 

Slapping your neck, you let the plate clatter on the table, ignoring Peter's scrambled replies. You saw Bucky entering from the corner of your eye, unable to formulate a coherent answer.

"Oh my god, Bucky they totally fucked yesterday!" 

Page dividers by @cicicantblog​

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[mggssocks]

Followed- part 2

Not My Gif!

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Content Warnings: regular criminal minds stuff. (please let me know if i missed anything!)

Summary: Spencer makes an Instagram and stumbles across reader’s page.

Word Count: 2.2k +

A/N: Thank you so much for the love i have received on my last chapter!!! It means so much to me. Also i’m going to try to update chapters as much as i can but i’m graduating in a few weeks and i will have a lot going on. But again, thank you guys!!! xoxo

masterlist // part 1

Although he was only going off of a few hours of sleep, Spencer came to work with a pep in his step today. His interaction with this girl was very brief but he still got butterflies with the thought. He was early as usual so he made himself a cup of coffee and sat at his desk, settling in. He pulled out his phone and reread the text messages that the two of you shared. When he finished reading the short message thread, his thumb hovered over the letter G. He wanted to type “good morning” but he didn’t want to come off as too clingy or overbearing. That in fact was the last thing he wanted. 

“Hey Spence” he hears from behind him, causing him to jump and quickly lock his phone before shoving it into his coat pocket. 

“Hi” he turns around to see JJ and forms his mouth into a straight line. 

She eyes him weirdly. Something was up.

“Everything okay?” She asked. Knowing how Spencer was, she wasn’t expecting him to answer truthfully. Especially with him jumping startledly like he just did at a simple ‘hi’.

“No- yeah. Yeah I’m fine. What about you? Are you okay?” He asked to switch the conversation around. 

Yeah. Something was definitely up.

“I’m… fine?” She answers confused

He nods awkwardly. She was just about to ask him if he was sure that he was fine but everyone else started to walk in and she knew if he was being this secretive with her, he definitely wouldn’t want everyone else to be in his business. So she drops it… at least for now. 

Garcia speed walked into the bullpen with a file or two in her hand, not bothering to say anything to the team. She goes straight to the conference room.

“Looks like we have a case” Morgan declared as he walked past the desks and up the stairs. Everyone else followed.

“And from the looks of it, it’s bad,” says Emily. 

They settle in their seats as Garcia passes Spencer his case file while everyone else gets on their tablets.

“We’re going to Wichita, Kansas.” Hotch says as he was the last one to come into the conference room.

“This sicko stabs straight through the heart. They chop off as much hair as they can before shoving it in the victim’s mouths.” Garcia speaks, a little disturbed a little while avoiding her gaze from the screen.

“Four victims within one week. There’s no cooling off period at all” Morgan said, swiping through his tablet.

“Which is why we’re debriefing on the jet. Wheels up.”

——————

After the team debriefed on the jet, Garcia chimed in through the video chat.“Guys, A store owner just found another victim.” 

The team looks at one another. Hotch sighs momentarily before speaking.

“Alright, JJ, you and Reid to the M.E. Morgan and Rossi go to the latest crime scene and Prentiss and I will go and set up at the station.” 

Everyone nods their head at their temporary partners for confirmation.

————

“So on the first victim, the person hesitated.” The examiner spoke factually.

“-And on the other four he didn’t hesitate at all” spoke JJ, trying to get the bigger picture. 

“Exactly. Now with the new victim… I noticed something strange. “ She walked over to the newest victim from earlier that day and the agent and dr followed her.

She turned the woman’s head and revealed a cat-like scratch with three of them synchronized.

JJ and Spencer looked at each other. After they called the other team members to fill them in, they walked to the car in pure silence.

“So… this morning” says JJ, walking to the driver’s side.

Spencer gives her a questioning look as he takes the passenger seat.

“What about this morning?” He asked in a suspicious tone and avoided her gaze by looking out of the window.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Spence, but I know something’s going on. Just tell me that it’s nothing bad.” She put her seatbelt on.

Spencer didn’t dare to give in “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

——————- 

After three days, they finally caught the unsub. The man was purely a sick and twisted psychopath. Jeffery Magnum. A 30 year old man who was severely abused as a child. His mother would make him eat the cat’s fur balls for dinner and when he refused, she would shave him bald. His mother died and that was the stressor that made him begin to kill.

As they boarded the plane, Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ sat together in the four seats. Rossi and Hotch sat together in the seats across from each other behind them. Spencer sat on the couch, far away from everyone. He wasn’t trying to distance himself. He just wanted to sit alone.

He pulled his phone out. He hasn’t thought much about that girl since he’s obviously been busy but now he was thinking about her. When he opened the app, he saw that she had posted a story. Before he watched her story, he clicked on her account and scrolled a little. She posted a lot of books and her cat too. Spencer really liked this one in particular.

26 likes

Yourinstagram I looked up from my book and seen this. thought it was a great photo op. 

View all 11 comments

He comes across a picture that really catches his attention.

11 likes

Yourinstagram okay just finished these two Jung books. He’s officially my favorite psychology/ prolific author. Freud’s got nothing on this guy.

View 1 comment

Spencer nodded his head approvingly. He swiped back to look at her Instagram story. 

He swiped up, thinking of a way to start a conversation. He just wanted to talk. About what? He doesn’t know.

spencerreid what’s tomorrow?

As expected, she didn’t respond right away. Instead of waiting for a response, Spencer picks up a book to occupy his attention. About 15 minutes later, his phone vibrates and an Instagram notification pops up. It catches the attention of JJ and she looks from the corner of her eye.

Spencer let’s 3 minutes pass by before responding because he didn’t want to seem too eager to talk to her. Although he definitely was.

yourinstagram nothing special! I’m a pastry chef so I’m just preparing them for the week! 

spencerreid Do you have some sort of bakery?

yourinstagram yup :)

Spencer didn’t know what to text back. So he started a new conversation with her.

spencerreid By the way I was looking at your page and seen that you read Carl Jung books.

yourinstagram you were stalking my page??

He started to panic. He didn’t mean it like a weirdo.

spencerreid I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to see what you were about, I guess.

yourinstagram relax haha I was kidding. And yes I do like Carl Jung books. What about you? Jung or Freud?

spencerreid I’m a fan of both, though I feel as if Jung was more open minded.

yourinstagram you, my friend, have great taste.

Although he knew “my friend” was just a term, Spencer couldn’t help but let a smile spread across his face. 

JJ notices and nudges Morgan who was listening to music. Prentiss notices JJ’s act and she gives her a questioning look. JJ nods her head towards Reid who was smiling at his phone. Emily who was sitting next to the window across from Morgan leaned over the seat to get a peek at Spencer.

She looks back to JJ. “What?”

“He’s been acting weird since before we left for this case. Like… secretive.”

Derek quirks an eyebrow. “You think he’s got something going on?” 

JJ shrugs.

“Hey” Emily says to Spencer.

He doesn’t necessarily jump but he was obviously startled. 

“What are you smiling about?” She asked. JJ and Derek watched as he fumbled over his words.

“I- uh-just- just a joke” Spencer cringed internally, because not even he, himself was buying it.

“What’s the joke?” Derek asked.

“It’s… nothing you would find amusing.” 

The three pretended to believe him and gave each other subtle glances before continuing what they were doing. Spencer turned back to his phone.

yourinstagram I’m y/n by the way. Just thought I’d formally introduce myself.

spencerreid I’m Spencer.

yourinstagram It’s nice to meet you, Spencer.

spencerreid It’s nice to meet you as well, Y/N.

After the jet landed, it was only 3:00 in the afternoon. Hotch gave them the rest of the day off so Spencer decided to head home and catch up on some sleep that he’s missed these past few days. 

He knew that it’d be terrible traffic on his way home. But since he stupidly decided to drive to work a few days ago, he couldn’t take the subway. He had to drive home. After about 10 minutes of sitting in his car calculating the fastest route home during traffic hours, he decides to take a way that he’s never taken before.

It would take him about thirty minutes but on his normal route during traffic hours, it would take him an hour and twenty. 

While driving, he catches a glimpse of a bakery and his stomach automatically growls. He decided that he’d stop by. Spencer walked into the shop and it wasn’t very busy. He looked over all of the options while waiting for someone to come to the counter.

A girl soon trails around dusting her hands off on her yellow apron. Her hair tied back in a ponytail.

“Hi. How can I help you?” She gives a kind smile.

“Uh- can I have two of the Danish pastries And a water?” He asked.

“Of course! Will that be all?” She puts some clear gloves on and makes her way over to the pastries.

“Yes” Spencer answers, digging through his satchel for his wallet.

She puts the treats in an apricot colored box, closed with a sticker with the name of the bakery. 

She puts the order in and looks back up at him “That’ll be $5.37!” 

He’s finally able to get a feel for his wallet and pulls out his card, handing it to her. She swipes it and hands it back over to him after it was approved along with his box and a reusable water bottle. He murmurs a thank you before leaving and heading to his apartment, enjoying the delicious danishes and finishing up some case files.

*******

“Seriously, Y/n. There’s so many relationship opportunities in Virginia. And you’re thinking about someone from a social media platform. You’ve never even seen them.” Your older sister lectures you as you close up the shop.

“Woah woah woah. I never said anything about a relationship with him. He’s nice but I’m not going to date someone over the internet. For all I know, he could be from England. I just said we both have an understandable love for Carl Jung in common.” You explained.

“Mom is worried about you. You’re thirty and you haven’t even found someone you’re interested in.” She lifts her eyebrow.

“She doesn’t need to worry about me. And every single woman doesn’t need to get married and settle down in their thirties.” you argue back

“She wants grandchildren, y/n. And not just from one of her kids.” 

“Look. I’m fine. You guys need to stop with the pressuring. I’m happy and I have all that I can ask for right now. When that time comes then it comes but for right now, i’m content” You shrug as you lock up all of the treats in the display cases.

She gives up the argument. And there is a weight of silence that fell between the two of you.

“Alright. Dave and the kids are expecting me so I'm going to get some pizza and head home.” she says, breaking the silence.

“Okay. Love you. Be safe. Bye” you say to her. 

After locking up the shop, you head home and when you open your door, you are greeted by your cat, Luna. After locking the door, you kneel down to properly greet your baby.

“Hey, girl” you pick her up and make your way to the kitchen, opening the fridge to see what options you had to eat for dinner.

You decided on some grilled cheese and tomato soup so that’s what you made.

*****

You throw the crust down on your plate, flipping the page of the book you were almost done with. You were curled up on the side of the couch with Luna sleeping by your feet. After finishing the last page, you were bored enough to go onto twitter and then instagram. 

As you make your way to his dm, you bite your lip, hesitant to say something. You didn’t often speak to people through social media. But he’s already texted first so the least you can do is text something first this time. You were uncertain, but you did it anyway.

yourinstagram hey

You mentally smack yourself as you look at the time. He’s probably already slee-

spencerreid Hi.

yourinstagram i was thinking….

spencerreid About?

yourinstagram I told you what i do for a living. I figured it’s only right that you told me what you do..

spencerreid I’m in the FBI. I’m a profiler.

yourinstagram that’s pretty impressive.

You didn’t know it but Spencer was blushing.

spencerreid Thank you.

yourinstagram you’re based in D.C right?

spencerreid That would be correct.

yourinstagram That’s funny.

spencereid Why is it funny?

yourinstagram because I live in D.C too.

[joshslater]

Twitching

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

To my surprise people keep joining the stream. Usually it was only my friends and occasionally someone random that watched me play. Space strategy games are not the most audience-friendly. They require you to know a lot about the game mechanics, and they take a long while to play through a full campaign. But all my mates know the game, and are just here to socialize and sometimes provide a tip.

This evening is different though. It had started with some "Lucy333" joining what must have been almost an hour ago. More than 30 minutes for sure. But over the past 10 minutes I've gotten 12 more viewers I think. Suddenly there is a coin sound effect and the chat stream lights up with a donation. $2 from Lucy333 and the text "Hey, spaceboy! Take your shirt off!"

I can instantly feel myself blushing. I'm flattered for a few milliseconds. I'm aware of the streams with girls showing lots of skin to get donations. I've never watched any of them. I'm not even aware of any with boys in them, but I know they exist. "Thanks for the donation, Lucy. This isn't that kind of stream though, clearly." I'm just playing for my mates when we don't feel like meeting up or doing something else. And I know I'm not a looker, though not shockingly ugly like Pete. Honestly, if there wasn't a pandemic going on we would probably do exactly the same thing anyway, playing space strategy and talk Marvel.

There is a flurry of responses from the newcomers in the chat. "Do it! Do it!" says one Donnatrix. "It could be that kind of stream," says fluffy2000. Soon my mates start cheering on as well. It basically turns into a dare. I'm not proud of my body, but I'm not ashamed of it either. It just is. Fuck it. I don't know what I'm going to be teased for more, if I take my shirt off, or if I don't. I reckon if I do what they ask for they have less ground to stand on. I set the game speed to low, say "Ok then", take off my headset, and pull off my T-shirt.

I'm met with a torrent of cheers in the chat. "Now it is that kind of stream," says fluffy. Donnatrix drops $5 and the comment "YAAAASSS". It feels weird. I can't decide if this is a group of sorority girls that randomly and sarcastically sexualize nerds, or if they are genuinely supportive.

"Thank y'all. Now back to trade route 14 to Zephyr-C". My emissary mission hasn't moved far at this speed. I'm about to increase the in-game speed when I get another $2 donation from Lucy. "Spaceboy, keep the game in slow mode and jump over to Heavenly Bodies."

I have no idea what she is talking about, if she even is a she. Her message is instantly met with a wave of support from the other newcomers. At this game speed it would take hours before I need to take any action, and I'm already up a Whopper meal without having done anything, so I reckon I can play whatever they want me to play for a while. Who knew I was that easily bought? "I don't know what that is," I say into my headset.

A few seconds later Lucy sends me a private message with a TinyURL. "This better not mess with my game rig. If it's porn I'll switch back to the game." I say. "It could be that kind of stream too." fluffy offers in the chat. "He could use some porn tbh" my friend Mike responds. I click the link.

The browser loads something that looks like a web game. It's a character creation screen with a faceless, very neutral model on the screen. Looks like those posable figures you use when learning to draw. There are no controls, except a set of buttons that offers you to upload settings, import from Facebook, and similar. I click the Facebook one, click a few approvals, and a progress bar that only lasts a few seconds appears. When it is gone there is a 3D model of me on the screen. "Wow! This looks just like me." Whatever AI they have combing through my online photos managed to get almost everything right. I'm wearing some sort of speedos, but I don't own any, so that part was a miss, but the model looks spot on. "Whatever else they have in the game, I don't think they are going to top this."

A long list of sliders and customizations appear on the screen. It looks like an incredibly detailed character creation screen. I try moving the height controller and is met with a message box saying I'm out of credits, and that I need $10,000 to change my height to whatever I moved it to. Clearly not real money. "I can't change anything". Lucy responded I need to share it. I exit fullscreen on the game and move the browser over to my other screen so everyone on the stream can see. "No, you need to click the share button in the UI and post the link in the chat", Donnatrix writes.

A big gift-wrapped box appears in the corner of the game window. I click it and it presents the text "Hair color and style" with bold letters and below that a text message from Lucy "I think this will be cute on you." I click accept and the 3D model is updated with new hair. It's dark blonde or whatever the oxymoronic name is for it, instead of my usual rat brown hair. It's short on the sides and on top is a big swooping quiff. It looks utterly silly. "Thanks, nice one," I tell the stream. I see a lot of cheers coming in the chat, but I'm a bit perplexed about the "OMYFUCKING GDO!" from Mike. It's just silly hair.

Immediately a new gift box appears on the screen, and soon after a (2) is added on top of it, possibly indicating two gifts waiting. I find it a little bit cute that these girls are essentially playing with paper dolls, but digitally and modeled after someone real. I open the next gift, "Facial Features" from Julia_Awesome. I click accept again, and the doll on the screen is updated. Weirdly it felt like a flash of heat hit me, like those flame effects on concerts. The doll still looks like me, but pretty fictionalized. The face is much sharper, not just less fat, but probably also some bone structure changes as well. It's equally interesting and disheartening, like one of those really good mobile phone filter apps that makes you into a photo model. Makes you understand how unobtainable the Men's Health cover look really is. "Thank you, Julia, but I'm not sure about this look."

I'm ignoring the chat, though I see it is going bananas. I'll have to read that later when the stream is over. I open the next box. Another two has already arrived. This gift is from Donnatrix and is "Core Body", whatever that means. It feels like a gut punch. Perhaps not that, because it doesn't hurt, but it knocks the air out of me. Almost made me fall out of the chair. I'm confused about what is actually happening though because things don't make sense. My body looks deformed. It takes a moment before my brain stops associating what I see with HR Geiger's nightmarish paintings and start to understand what I really see. My body is suddenly a lot leaner and a hell of a lot more stacked than before. Proper abs muscles like a pan of Hawaii rolls.

I look up at the main screen for the first time in what feels like an eternity. The model on the screen looks ripped as well. How stupid can one person be? I turn to the side monitor and look at the window from the webcam. It's me, all new muscles, strong jaw, and a silly quiff on top.

"Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! This is insane! This isn't possible."

"lol, of course not" I see moving by in the chat. I go back to the program. Four more gifts waiting. I look at the model on the screen. I look at the webcam view. "Arms" says the next gift with the text "Promise to flex for me." Well, fuck Zephyr-C and trade route 14.

[suituuup]

pandemic shenanigans

Chloe discovers TikTok and decides to do a bunch of pranks on her girlfriend

rated: T

word count: 3k

ao3 link

*

It’s the pandemic’s fault. 

Chloe was bored af one day at the start of quarantine, and decided to download TikTok, the app Gen Z has been raving about. Little did she know five minutes on the app could turn into four hours without her being aware and brought procrastination to another level. 

She quickly becomes addicted to cute animal videos (duh) and couple pranks. So addicted that the temptation of trying a few on her girlfriend is too great. 

i. Did you forget what today was

“Morning,” Beca mumbles, rubbing her eye with the heel of her palm as she shuffles towards the coffee pot. While Chloe’s an early bird, Beca rarely makes it out of bed before ten on the weekends, and Chloe is usually already showered and dressed by the time she does. 

She and Beca live in that same studio which they used to share with Amy, until their Australian friend inherited some serious money and moved out. 

It’s been really nice to have an actual bed instead of that crappy pull-out couch. 

“Good morning,” Chloe chirps, craning her neck to accept the kiss Beca brushes to her lips. Beca slides in the chair across hers, pouring some milk in the bowl Chloe’s set out for her, followed by cereals.

(yes, she’s that weirdo who puts the milk first.)

“What?” Beca pauses with her first spoonful halfway to her mouth, finally noticing Chloe staring at her. 

“Did you forget what today was?” She asks with a raised eyebrow, cradling her mug in her hands.

Beca blinks, and Chloe can nearly see the fuck popping up in her brain as panic flashes in her eyes. “Uh, Saturday?” 

Chloe purses her lips, both to appear annoyed and to keep her bubbling laughter in. “Beca.” 

Beca’s nose scrunches up. “I know, I know, gimme a sec. This is not our anniversary, or your birthday, you’re not working today so there’s nothing important regarding your job,” she lists off, her eyes lighting up a beat later. “Oh! Is it this weekend Aubrey’s coming up?” 

“No,” Chloe sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I can’t believe you forgot.”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Beca rushes out, standing up and crossing the distance between them to sit across Chloe’s lap. She kisses her softly, looping her arms around her neck. “I’m sorry. What’s going on today? I promise I’ll make time for it. And I’ll give you a massage tonight to make up for being a bad girlfriend. And we can eat whatever you like.” Smirking mischievously, she adds in a lower tone, “And, I’ll let you do whatever you wanna do to me later.” 

Chloe grins, unable to hold it any longer. “Nothing’s going on, babe. I was just messing with you.” 

Beca’s jaw falls open as she pulls back, glaring. “Not cool, dude!”

Chloe simply giggles, nuzzling her neck and pressing an apologetic kiss to Beca’s skin. “You’re cute when you’re panicking.”

A huffs puffs free and Beca pouts. “Whatever.”

Chloe tightens her hold around Beca’s waist so she can’t get away. “Can I still do whatever I want to you tonight?” 

The whimper that rises from Beca’s throat shoots a chill down her spine. Beca’s cheeks redden and she squirms a little in Chloe’s lap. “Yeah--yes.” 

Safe to say Chloe won’t be uploading that video on TikTok. She also won’t tell Beca this was a Tiktok prank, because this turned out to be a lot of fun and she’s got more up her sleeve.

ii. climb on their lap while they’re busy doing something else

Friday nights are Chloe’s favorite. As none of them work during the weekends, it means they get two whole days of quality time with each other. Tonight though, her highly professional girlfriend needs to take care of a few work things to make sure she can spend a stress free weekend, but it’s been hours, and Chloe is kind of craving some attention. 

Beca’s working on her laptop while sitting on the couch, and after changing into her PJ’s, Chloe unceremoniously curls up sideways on her lap, looping her arms around her shoulders and resting her forehead against the side of Beca’s neck. 

“Oh,” Beca breathes out, setting her computer aside before her arms loosely wrap around Chloe’s body. “Hello.” 

“Hi,” Chloe murmurs back, brushing a kiss to Beca’s neck and releasing a soft sigh of contentment. 

Beca’s hand runs up and down her thigh as she pushes a kiss to Chloe’s hair. “You alright?” 

Chloe hums, forgetting all about her phone propped against one of the shelves capturing the moment to make a TikTok, instead basking in the instant comfort being in Beca’s arms provides. 

Beca peppers her face with soft, featherlight kisses that make Chloe warm from the inside out. She really is a slut for Beca’s affection. “M’sorry I had to work tonight.” 

Chloe smiles. “It’s okay.” She pecks Beca’s lips and brushes her nose against hers. “I’m heading to bed. Don’t work too late, babe.” 

Beca nods, winking softly. “Right behind you.” 

True to her word, Beca slides under the covers less than five minutes later and tugs Chloe’s body against her own. Chloe releases another happy sigh, which is cut-off by a yelp when Beca runs her freezing toes along Chloe’s bare calf. 

“Becs!” She cries, moving away and slapping her arm. “Your feet are freaking icicles!” 

Beca snickers like a teenager, seemingly very proud of her act. 

“Put some socks on.” 

Beca’s nose scrunches up adorably. “Ew. No way.” 

“Then stay on your side,” Chloe grumbles, tugging the covers higher around her as she rolls away from Beca, settling on her opposite side. 

“Sorry,” Beca whispers into the dark, shuffling closer. “I won’t do it again.” 

She feels her resolve break as Beca’s lips trace a trail from her exposed shoulder blade to the side of her neck. She hates her traitorous body for not having any willpower when it comes to Beca’s ministrations. “You better not, or I’ll kick you,” she half-jokes. 

“Kinky,” Beca breathes along with a soft laugh, pressing one final kiss to Chloe’s cheek as she drapes her arm around her middle. “I love you.” 

Chloe laces their fingers and squeezes. “I love you too, weirdo.” 

iii. walking out naked while they’re in a zoom meeting 

“Well what doesn’t he like about it?” Beca’s voice carries from the living-room as Chloe stands in their bedroom, a towel wrapped around her naked frame. 

That video of her and Beca cuddling on the couch blew up, hitting 3 millions views and about 400k likes. The few homophobic comments that popped up were quickly drowned out by thousands of people gushing over their relationship or crying about wanting the same kind of relationship. 

Beca was of course aware Chloe would post that video on the internet and weirdly wasn’t opposed to it. 

“Again?” She hears her girlfriend sigh and steps out, losing the towel as she rounds the corner. “I mean, yeah, sure. I’ll see what I--” 

Beca’s words die on her tongue the second her eyes flicker up from her computer screen. Her jaw drops and her mouth gapes wordlessly for a few seconds. 

Chloe is briefly concerned she might have broken her girlfriend.

“Beca?”  Her boss’ voice carries through the speakers, snapping Beca back to her meeting. 

“Yes, yeah-- um-- sorry, I…” She stammers as her cheeks burn, and clears her throat. Her eyes quickly glance back to Chloe, who is fighting against a string of giggles. “I’ll-- I’ll work on something else, no problem.” 

“Alright, keep me posted.”

Beca nods. “See ya.” She shuts her computer so fast Chloe’s concerned she might have damaged it. “You’re evil,” she mutters, shaking her head. 

“Are you complaining?” Chloe husks, strutting over in her birthday suit and tossing her phone on the couch.

Beca visibly swallows, bracing on Chloe’s waist as she settles down her lap. “Never. But next time try not to give me a heart attack?” 

“Deal,” Chloe murmurs, bending down to capture Beca’s lips in a searing kiss. 

iv. Ask them what they would do if they were at a party and a hot girl came up to them

“Hey Bec?” 

“Mm?” 

It’s a rainy rainy afternoon, the ones Chloe loves as they don’t have anywhere to be, and she gets to chill on the couch with her favorite person while listening to the rain pelting against the window. 

Chloe’s head is on Beca’s lap as she lies on the couch, reading a book while Beca messes around on her phone. Beca has absentmindedly been scratching her scalp, and Chloe was about to fall asleep when she got a prank idea. She discreetly propped up her phone against her mug on the coffee table a minute ago, pressing record. 

“What would you do if you were at a party and a hot girl came up to you?” 

Beca lowers her phone, peering at Chloe over it. “What do you mean?” 

Bending her knees, Chloe shifts to sit up and faces Beca. “What would you do if a hot girl flirted with you?” 

“You know I don’t know when people flirt with me, right?” 

Yes, Chloe does know. She lost count of how many times she’s flirted with Beca over their four years of friendship pre-getting together without Beca having a freaking clue. 

“Okay, but still,” Chloe clears her throat and straightens a bit from her slouched position, tucking her legs underneath her. “Let’s say you’re at a party, and I’m a random girl, not your girlfriend, alright?” 

Beca rolls her eyes but nods anyway, setting her phone down and angling her body towards Chloe a bit more. 

Chloe props her elbow on the back of the couch and cradles the side of her head in her palm as she smiles softly, getting into character. She reaches out to run the tip of her pointer finger along Beca’s forearm while keeping her gaze locked on hers, her teeth racking over her bottom lip in an over-the-top flirty move. “Hi.” 

“Hey you,” Beca murmurs with a small smirk, leaning closer a little. Chloe swats the back of her head. “Ow! What was that for??” 

“It’s not me,” she reminds Beca as the brunette rubs the spot with a glare. 

“Sorry, it’s just hard to remember that with those eyes of yours,” Beca laughs. “I can’t focus, they’re pulling me in.” 

“Aw,” Chloe beams. She leans in to peck Beca’s lips, raising an eyebrow when Beca pushes her away. 

“Dude, I’ve got a girlfriend.” 

Chloe rolls her eyes, shoving her as Beca laughs. “Touché.” 

v. ask them if they still get butterflies

“Bec?” 

“Mmm.” 

Spring morphed into summer. A hot, sticky and humid summer. The pandemic is still very much a thing, and Chloe can’t even tell you what day of the week it is anymore. To make things worse, their AC is down, which is why they find themselves on the rooftop of their apartment building that evening, laying on a couple blankets as they stare up at the night sky. Chloe misses the hundreds of stars she would gaze at when she was a kid in Oregon, but she sort of finds the steady sound of cars passing by in the street below them soothing. 

Or you know, maybe it’s the joint she smoked twenty minutes ago with her girlfriend that is finally hitting her. 

“Do you still get butterflies?” 

Beca’s head rolls to the side so she can look at her. “Still?” She asks, smirking softly. “They never left.” 

Chloe giggles, shoving her lightly. Beca is known to grow sappy and affectionate when she’s high, and Chloe absolutely loves it. “Dork.” 

“Felt them just this morning when you were singing in the kitchen while making breakfast and almost pinched myself because I still have to wrap my head around the fact that I get to marry you.” 

Chloe does a double-take as she registers Beca’s words. “What?” Her voice is barely there, hidden under the layers of emotions seizing her throat. 

“Well… yeah,” Beca shrugs, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re like, it for me, you know?” 

Moments where Beca splits herself open like that are rare, and they never fail to make Chloe’s heart soar. 

“Are you going to say something Beale or keep staring at me like a weirdo?” Beca eventually quips, chuckling softly. 

Chloe shakes her head a little, then leans forward to push a lingering kiss against Beca’s lips. “I love you, future wife.” 

She feels Beca sigh contentedly as she curls up against her side, her arm wounding around Chloe’s back. “I love you, too.”

vi. sigh loudly in front of them

“What’s wrong?” 

It’s day two hundred something of quarantine. Chloe is bored out of her mind. 

“Nothing,” she whispers, keeping her tone unconvincing on purpose. She’s lying on the couch while Beca sits at the end working on her computer, a Friends rerun playing low on the TV. 

Beca shuts her computer and sets it on the coffee table before crawling up Chloe’s body and settling on top of her. She presses a light kiss to the side of Chloe’s neck. “You sure?” 

“Mhm,” Chloe hums, looping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist. 

“I can stop working,” Beca suggests softly, placing another kiss to her chin, then to the tip of her nose. “Wanna go grab some Chick-fil-A? Then we can watch one of those cheesy rom coms that you like.” 

“M’okay,” Chloe agrees quietly. “Can we just cuddle for a bit?” 

“Yeah,” Beca breathes. “Course we can.” She settles her head on Chloe’s chest, lifting it a second later. “Wait, is this a TikTok thing?” Upon Chloe nodding, she groans. “My reputation is taking a blow with each one of those, you know that right?” 

A giggle bursts past Chloe’s lips. “I’m sorry, your what?” 

That earns her a glare. “Bite me, Beale.” 

vii. wipe their kiss away

“I hate this fucking pandemic,” Beca grumbles as she makes it inside, kicking the door shut with a little more force than necessary. “I hate those Karens who don’t wear masks,” she continues as she hoists her two grocery bags on the kitchen counter. “Scratch that, I just hate people in general.” Beca eventually takes off her mask, heaving out a sigh as she drops it onto the counter. “Finally.” 

Chloe smiles in amusement, walking over to start putting the groceries away. “Thanks for going out, babe.” 

“No problem.” She pecks Chloe’s lips on her way to store the yogurt in the fridge, doing a double-take when Chloe wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “Did you just… wipe my kiss away?” 

“What? No I didn’t,” Chloe replies innocently. 

Beca stares at her, cocking an eyebrow. “Was it not up to your standards or something?” 

“I mean…” Chloe shrugs nonchalantly. “It was just a peck.” 

“Mmm.” She resumes her task, closing the door to the fridge behind her before making her way over to where Chloe is standing, setting her hands on her hips from behind and coaxing her to turn around. 

“What are you--” the rest of her sentence is cut off by a moan as Beca’s lips capture her own. Chloe’s knees wobble from the heat of the kiss, its intensity sending shockwaves throughout her body, all the way down to her toes. She’s left in a daze by the time Beca pulls away, blinking twice in slow succession as she rolls her swollen lips together. “Holy shit.” 

Beca puffs out her chest a little, smirking. “That’s better.” 

Groceries forgotten, Chloe slides her hand into hers and drags her to the bedroom. 

viii. call them your spouse during a phone conversation

“I’m home,” Chloe calls out as she steps inside their studio apartment. She pauses in the doorway, taking in her surroundings. 

Their small kitchen table is beautifully set, two candles lit on each side and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers sitting in the center. Soft acoustic music is playing through Beca’s portable speaker. “Hey, you.” 

“What’s all this?” Chloe asks, smiling brightly as she slings her purse off her shoulder, setting it down. 

Beca approaches, a sheepish smile spreading across her features. “Well… because of this freaking pandemic, we haven’t been out in months, so I thought we could just do a home-date. I ordered from your favorite sushi place, should be here any minute.” 

“Aww.” Shrugging off her jacket, Chloe steps up to place a soft kiss to Beca’s lips. “You’re sweet. And very sexy,” she adds with an eyebrow waggle, taking in Beca’s fancy jumpsuit and hairdo. “I’m gonna go change real quick.” 

Chloe hurries to the bedroom and opens her closet to pick something; she can’t remember the last time she wore a dress, her main outfit having consisted of a hoodie and sweatpants for the better part of the year. Plucking her navy blue, knee length dress out, she changes into it and takes ten minutes to arrange her hair and put on light make-up. 

Beca is on the phone as she steps back out into the kitchen, grinning when Chloe appears. “Yep, got it. Listen, I gotta go, my wife and I are about to eat dinner.” 

Chloe freezes mid-step, her heart stuttering as she registers the term Beca used. 

“Sorry about that,” Beca says once she’s hung up, casting Chloe a smile as she sets her phone down. 

“You just called me your wife,” Chloe murmurs, her eyes shrinking suspiciously a beat later. A gasp follows when it hits her. “Wait, are you TikTok pranking me??” Her gaze quickly sweeps the room. “Where’s the camera, Mitchell?” 

Beca simply grins, shaking her head as she reaches for something in her pocket. “Not a prank, babe.” 

Shocked eyes lifting from the square velvet box nestled in Beca’s palm, Chloe watches as Beca steps closer and lowers herself on one knee. Her heart trips dangerously and she stops breathing altogether. “Bec, you better not be lying.” 

The way she seems nervous all of the sudden tells Chloe this is definitely not a prank. “Chloe--” 

“Yes,” Chloe croaks out, tears pooling in her eyes as her head bobs up and down in a frantic nod. 

Beca’s chuckle comes out strained as she blinks back the moisture in her own eyes. “Dude, let me ask the question at least.” 

“Sorry.” Chloe clamps her lips together and squeezes Beca’s hand to wordlessly let her know she may keep going. 

“Chloe,” Beca repeats, her voice wavering slightly. “This year has been weird as fuck, and the most challenging one yet, but despite everything, I had a near constant smile on my face because of you. You’re my best friend, and the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.” She sucks in a deep breath through her nose, letting go of Chloe’s hand to open the box. Chloe gasps softly at the sight of a simple, yet elegant oval cut diamond set on a rose gold band. “Will you make me the happiest person on earth by accepting to become my wife?” 

“Yes.” She tugs on Beca’s hand, capturing her lips in a searing kiss as soon as she straightens. “I love you so much.” 

Beca grins against her mouth, backing away just enough to seek out Chloe’s eyes. “I love you, too.” 

As she stands there basking in this new, overwhelming wave of feelings, Chloe decides that 2020 wasn’t that bad, after all. 

[jimkirkachu]

Do you have someone to talk to? Like therapy, or even just a free helpline? I mean, just ranting on here as an outlet is fine; it's your space, and people like myself are listening - and happy to listen. No judgement. x

(response got kinda long, so let's use a cut)

Ah....... well, so....... I have a therapist through an online service, so it's all text-based through a separate app/client that is hit and miss on her end; she's had some issues with the thing not giving her notifications when her patients send messages to her, so I don't really know how to make that better. As it stands, I "talk" to her about once a month because I'm too afraid of/anxious about video and phone communications in general to do a virtual appointment, and I've still never been able to get myself to an in-person visit (I'm also not sure if she's back to in-office visits yet from quarantine times). Just the thought still gives me mild panic attacks. But I have no standard to compare this with--is it typical to pay about $150/month for therapy and only talk to your therapist once in that span? (Well, with online services anyway.) Is that a typical rate for one in-office visit? I genuinely don't know.

So, all that said... I do technically have someone to talk to, but she's weirdly difficult to access. And all our communications are delayed/not "timely," per se. I just feel really bad and selfish/self-absorbed here, I mean people come on their blogs/dashboards expecting to see fun stuff and all I use mine for anymore is just to moan about my crappy mental health. Hopefully people are unfollowing me as needed, the last thing I want/intend to do is make anything worse for anybody else in the world 🤦😣

[[I would like to mention to anybody reading this that I almost never check my follower count so I won't be offended if you need to unfollow me for any reason.]]

I just don't feel comfortable talking about Emotions™ with anyone in person, and I don't want to burden any specific people here with my crap. It's the classic depression-self-help-article conundrum: "Afraid to talk about your feelings? Feel like no one loves you? Talk about these feelings with someone who loves you!" 🤦 Since I have no immediate source of in-person validation or comfort, I've gotten in this really bad habit of making these pathetic blog posts and hoping some poor, compassionate, unsuspecting soul might be passing by online and for whatever reason put themselves in the position of talking me off a ledge at 4am cst. I did the same thing with my LiveJournal as a teenager... apparently, I never learned how to communicate about anything more serious than small-talk by any means other than "post publicly to a wide pool of strangers in the hopes my sad, sob-story net might catch one who can tolerate me long enough to get me through x/y/z episode."

Thank you for touching base though, anon, and for your kind words. 💜💜💜 It really means so much more than I can express to have access to a network of who-knows-how-many people online at all/various times of the day and night, and that at almost any time I can put up one of my desperate cries for attention and have somebody respond. Maybe something like tumblr/the internet in general would have saved the lives of the people in my ancestry who died from their mental illnesses. It's certainly saved mine. 💜💜💜 (Jury is still out on whether that's a good thing or not.) Thanks for being so generous and caring, I hope someday I have a chance to repay/properly thank you for your help and support. 💛💙🖖

[the-nubiest]

Black Tarot: Youthful Seeker (2)

See the previous post here relating to it

After two weeks of attempted attacks, and getting the house cleaned up. The teenage Seeker now has to buy some things for themself. Knowing that the Crystal Six has to come along, they worry about one thing.

--

"Your clothes are ugly." I commented. Eyeing their outfits, some of them hide themselves.

Vinn frowns, "Is it that bad? Is there something wrong with it?"

How do I say this? "It's not that bad. You guys are very out of place with it. If you ever want to help me investigate around town, wearing those clothes... you'll be mistaken for a cosplayer."

Kera raises their brow, "Cos... player? Is that an actor of some kind?"

Not worth explaining to these people.

"Just take these." I throw some hoodies, that fit all of them.

They all pull it on. Chaya sinking into the warmth.

Mikael looks at me with curiousity, "We have to wear these for a reason?"

"Yes. Because we are going shopping for new clothes! For you guys!"

Good thing Reyes knows how to drive that very expensive car. Do not know how Grandpa was able to afford it. It's a Tesla, like what the hell? Is the auto-parking even necessary? Good for the enviorment? Next time.

Riding up near the small mall. I take notice of a store, a few blocks down. A vintage clothing store. Better idea.

Telling them to go into the small parking a lot.

Getting out of the car, I feel their eyes looking at me.

"What is this?" Wondered Maeve.

"This is." I gesture in front of the store. "A vintage clothing shop. Old clothes are often sold here, then rebought. These stores are trending today, actually. So if we buy from here, you guys will blend in seemlessly."

Chaya gasps, "That sounds like an interesting concept! Mind if we go in?"

I feel myself flush at the excitement that she has. They do not go out often, so it feels endearing that I am doing this for them.

Entering in the store, I tell them not to speak English. Upon finding out that they do not come from America, so it is easy for them to pass more.

Staying in the back, The Six look around the clothing store with curiousity. Can look around if they are.

Dragging my hand along the rack. I see Mikael and Chaya trying some jackets on.

"So... colourful. How did people in the 80s wear this without getting killed?" They examine the sleeve, looking at the tri-coloured sleeve.

Uh... they are doing fine. Chaya seems to like the cute flowy skirts from the 50s. Would she like Grease?

In the next section, Maeve and Reyes are both looking at some denim and leather jackets. I'd expect Reyes to like them, but Maeve seems interesting.

"Maybe a red leather jacket and some black pants would be my style! I want to look badass." Maeve flips her hair.

Reyes, looks at the black jacket. Grabbing it. "I like this."

"That's really similar to yours."

He huffs, "I like it."

Walking up towards them, "Rey, I mean. You look like a punk musician with that outfit, try lighter colours."

"Grey?" He raises his eyebrows.

What the fuck. Is his taste that bad?

"Reyes. Omg. I want to slander you right now."

He is slightly taken a back. Turning to Maeve, "What does slander mean?"

Opening her mouth, then closing it once she didn't get an answer.

No one knows what I'm saying.

Then hearing a slight noise.

Turning back to see Vinn with a slightly worried look. "There's a girl who claims to know you."

My stomach dropped. Oh god. I do not know what he means, is it my future murderer, or a classmate? "What does she look like? Is she my age?"

"I think so. Kind of taller, wearing a high school hoodie of some kind-"

"Sounds like a bitch I know."

Vinn hesitates, "Uh... what? Bitch? Does she have something against you? Like murder?"

When he said that, the others popped up with worry.

Telling them to stop, "Guys. No. She's just a popular kid at my school. So if she sees us-"

"Seeker! I did not expect you to be here!"

She's here.

"Oh! It's been a while, Jessica." Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not panic.

I see her eye the six with confusion, "Uh... who are these adults?"

Oh god no. "They are my... new servants! Yes! They do not speak English. So try not to initiate a conversation with them. I'm here to buy them clothes! Where they came from, they dress weirdly. In my opinion."

She laughs, "You have very hot servants then."

I let out a nervous laugh, "I do?!"

Taking out her phone, Jessica opens up an app, "Mind if I take a pic? Of you and your friends? They will go viral because they are so sexy!"

Looking back at them, they are very red. "Do not! Uh... they would be fired if they make any social media presence. My parents are very strict about it." That will get her off my ass for once.

Placing it in her pocket, she sighs, "Fine. Can't wait to see you back at school. You weren't here freshmen year. Why weren't you here?"

Stop asking questions.

"Well... reasons."

"I'll see you at school in two weeks then! Your classmates are gonna go crazy once they find out you have six hot servants!" Finally she leaves us behind.

I want to die.

--

Back at the house, we drop the bags of clothing.

In two weeks, I have to go back to school. Rumours are gonna be spreading one.

Gossip.

I do not want to deal with this.

"Seeker. You do not look good." Maeve leans against the wall.

I'll just tell her. "I do not want to go back to school. I'm starting my sophomore year with a weird thing happening to me right now. Which is... you guys."

She frowns, "Do not worry. We will help you with school."

I smile, "Do my homework?"

"No." She smirked.

"Fuck."

[elfyourmother]

5, 34 and 39 from the fanfic writer ask ♥

[list here]

5. Do you listen to music when writing?

Sometimes, it really depends on what I’m writing and how my squirrel brain is acting at a given time. I generally need some kind of background noise because weirdly enough it helps me focus more often than not. In the Before times when I was commuting to work on the subway every day a LOT of my writing got done in that 30 minutes or so on the train in the morning so music (and my noise cancelling Bose cans) was mandatory. But even at home, music was and is pretty important.

A lot of how I approach writing is admittedly woo-tastic because my witch training was such a fundamental part of my teen years and fandom/developing my writing habits ran parallel to that and creativity kind of went hand in hand with it. But as a tl;dr there’s a concept in old school British traditional Craft called ritual consciousness, all of the physical trappings of ritual like tools and regalia really just exist to shift the witch’s mind into Work mode, like flipping a switch from mundane to sacred space. And tbh, when I'm writing and really get into that zone where everything is just flowing it doesn’t feel all that dissimilar from my ritual work, aside from the lack of physical energy being raised. Music is a powerful tool in the arsenal, in both respects, to get into the right mindset. Lyrics or instrumentals really vary depending on squirrel brain. Sometimes words are too distracting, sometimes they help.

I’ve taken to using the white noise app on my phone for appropriate background sounds and I find that helps a lot if I can’t deal with music for whatever reason (if my focus is really off kilter).

34. Have you felt emotional while writing a scene before? What scene was it?

Constantly. I feel like if I haven’t at least one time in a fic then I haven’t done my job as a writer and I need to go back and change things or scrap it and start over because my heart’s not in it. One of the fun things about ADHD is our uh, interesting emotional regulation, as in we tend to be extremely sensitive people that feel All the Things really intensely. I have cried because food tasted too good, and a baby was too cute. I ugly cried on Princess Tiana at Disney World at the age of 36 (ask Dandy, she was there), and I cry every single time I see a fireworks show there even though I’ve seen them all like 9000 times. 

But if I had to pick out just one scene, even with this context, it’s hands down the climax of The Prodigal’s Lament, which was a Warcraft fic I wrote years ago about the night during the Third War when Kael returned home to Quel’Thalas, after the Scourge sacked it, and the exact moment he named the survivors sin’dorei. The whole fic, even though it was short, was really just me working out my 9/11 trauma again with my comfort character, because at the time I wrote it, it was the 10th anniversary of the attacks so it was an especially hard day for me (being a major milestone year it was even more inescapable than usual). But in particular the climax of the story, where Kael leads the survivors in singing the Lament of the Highborne and people start reciting the names of their fallen loved ones really fucked me up because of my history (I dont want to get into it but I lost someone I knew bc of 9/11). I had to stop at one point because I was crying too hard to focus. But it was good and ultimately very cathartic to write and to this day it means a lot to me. I had someone comment once (maybe on the Pit?) that it reminded them of a tragedy in their country and the grief they also felt and it moved them and helped them cope, which probably the single comment that has stayed with me most in all the years I’ve been writing and posting fanfic.

39. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Dialogue. I feel like I’m generally pretty good at nailing character voices, and I’m good with banter--when you grow up on the likes of the Eddingses and Jennifer Saunders it’s hard not to be good with banter.

[bearhatarmy]

I really really miss photography. 

Photography feels like an old friend I’ve lost touch with. It pains me greatly that I just don’t have the energy or stamina to do it anymore. It really filled a creative void after I was unable to create my original comedy posts any longer. My illness keeps taking and taking from me and it is a challenge to find ways to adapt and cope.

The saddest part is that I felt like I was just starting to master photography as an art form. I was at that point where I could instinctively do all of the technical things and concentrate purely on the art. Lighting was becoming intuitive to me instead of a complicated puzzle I had to solve each time.

Yes, I took a lot of photos that I am really proud of. (Which I am spreading throughout this post).

But sometimes I mourn the photos I could have taken if my chronic illness hadn’t worsened.

It’s also hard seeing the new cameras and lights that have been released since I had to stop. I *just* missed a technological revolution. New features that would have allowed me to do more with less energy. To push the boundaries of my creativity. To get shots I could only dream of back then.

Full frame mirrorless cameras have opened up so many creative possibilities. The low light performance, the detail, the dynamic range--it has all been improved greatly in just a few years. But there are also many automated usability features that allow the camera to offload work and concentration from the brain. These new digital wonders can even be used as cinematic quality video cameras--something I would have liked to have explored.

I had to take these match photos in a pitch-black room, with a reversed lens, with no control over my aperture, and a manual flash. It took forever to time it properly because I had a whopping 3 frames per second. It would have been a cinch with a mirrorless camera, with super fast burst modes and an electronic viewfinder. You can see exactly what your image will look like before snapping it. But you can also “see in the dark” using a high ISO preview. Before you had to use a live view mode on the back screen. But on older cameras that mode was clunky and slow and... it just sucked.

Enlarge!

MOAR BIGGER!

Weirdly, one of the biggest advances is due to a shortened “flange distance” where the lens connects to the camera body. It seems like a small thing. Literally only a centimeter or so. But because of the lack of mirror, camera designers are able to move the lens closer to the sensor and design more advanced lenses with incredible sharpness. Combined with increased megapixel counts, that would have been amazing for my macro photos.

Electronic viewfinders take the guesswork out of exposure--even in bright sunlight where screens get washed out from glare. And being able to compose portraits with highly accurate eye-tracking autofocus would have been a tremendous advantage. 

No more “focus and recompose.” 

No more “Did I get the eye? Let me zoom to 100% on this tiny screen.” 

I could have spent more of my concentration getting natural expressions from my subjects and composing my photos without distraction.

And IBIS! 

I missed out on motherhecking IBIS!

This photo of my wonderful friend Erin was taken handheld at sunset. The original RAW version was extremely dark--even though I was using a high ISO. I had to do a ton of work to get this to not look like noisy garbage. But there just wasn’t any other way to capture it... UNTIL NOW.

IBIS (eye-bus/👀-🚌) or “in-body image stabilization,” allows the camera sensor to kind of... float. You can eliminate camera shake caused by the subtle micro-movements when handholding. 

How do I explain it? Ummmm...

It turns the sensor into a chicken head.

So instead of increasing the ISO (which is like a volume knob for light which gets grainier as you crank it), you can lower your shutter speed. In the past, depending on the lens, 1/60th of a second was about as slow as you could set it. With IBIS, as long as the scene you are capturing is relatively still, you can take photos in very low light without a tripod. This is great because tripods are a pain in the ass and you can’t always have one handy. Plus, you can combine an IBIS camera with a stabilized lens to get a de-blurrification multiplier. Then you can get sharp handheld photos that are technically considered long exposure. I’ve heard people say they got sharp photos exposing at several seconds. Literally going from a fraction of a second to 2 goddamn Missisisppi. I can’t even quantify how many fantastic photos are being taken right now that would have been unusable blurry messes a few years ago. We get to enjoy these photos all because they installed a chicken head inside cameras.

AND DARN IT ALL TO HECK I HECKING MISSED IT, GOSH HECKING DANG IT!. 

Sorry... didn’t mean to curse like a sailor that stubbed his toe while stepping on a Lego. 

I think I’ll have a cool refreshing root beer to calm my IBIS envy.

(Those water droplets are a total fraud, by the way. It’s fake blood without the red added.) 

And with the progress in battery and wireless technology, artificial lighting has become lighter and more portable while still being powerful enough to compete with the sun. I could have used strobe lights in my little studio, packed them up into a small case, and gone to the middle of the field to use them there.

Yes, I was able to convert my old studio lights to be “portable-ish” but we had to lug so much equipment to accomplish this photo of Brittany in the red dress. The battery pack alone weighed as much as one modern light. I was stuck in bed for a week afterward from all of the carrying of heavy gear.

Before that, this was my hacked together “outdoor” light. The Flash-O-Tron 3000. It looks cool but it was delicate and hard to get through doorways.

After charging 12 AA batteries overnight, I had to drag this contraption outside at the buttcrack of dawn to get my favorite photo of Otis. 

I had to use a handheld mirror to reflect my popup flash in the direction of the Flash-O-Tron 3000 to trigger it. It worked about 25% of the time. Oh, and I was laying on cold wet grass, manually tracking Otis--who refused to sit still. I had to line up a single autofocus point on his head for every snap. The concentration required felt like my brain was juggling chainsaws.

But guess what they invented last year?

PET. EYE. AUTOFOCUS. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

A little robot inside the camera is all, “Hey, that’s your dog’s eye!” and just follows it no matter where your pup moves.

I NEEDED THAT SO BAD!

This shot took 10 minutes of me trying to lock onto his eye with a macro lens. The depth of field at that distance was the width of his eye and, again, he does not sit still. 

I want a time machine so I can go back and retake every blurry Otis photo. 

Also, many of the modern strobes have NO WIRES. You just stick a thing on top of your camera and you can set off lights several football fields away. My photo studio has tons of wires routed in the ceiling and coming out of the walls. 

[Hi-Res Version]

And then those wires all go into a weird analog remote with old school sliders that controlled the power of the flashes. But the sliders were difficult to finely adjust.

Now you can load an app on your phone and adjust the flash power digitally and adjust the brightness in 10% increments. You can save lighting ratios and recall them instantly. And you can preview your work with high powered LED modeling lights so you don’t have to take 50 test shots. 

No more nudging a light and taking a picture. Raising the power and taking a picture. Swapping out a modifier and taking a picture. Back and forth, back and forth. 

Essentially, what you see is what you get, so setting up lighting takes a fraction of the time and effort with these new lights and cameras. That would have been so helpful with my disability.

Oh... the lights are less expensive too.

The future of camera tech looks exciting as well. I think the computational photography that is in the latest smartphones will soon be added to more professional cameras. That is going to make high-end photography so much more accessible to anyone who wants to try it as a hobby. The learning curve will flatten further, and as long as you are creative, you will be able to take beautiful, high-quality photos.

Some might say that not having all of the new tech helped me gain important experience, expertise, and problem-solving skills. Some believe the inconveniences are a photographer’s trial by fire. The struggle makes the art more authentic. And since I learned how to do it the hard way, my journey is more valid than some photography influencer on Instagram with an iPhone.

To that I say... BULLLLLSHEEIIIT.

Those inconveniences just made me SUPER DUPER TIRED.

And some of those influencers take really kickass photos. Not all of them are butts either.

I love photography but there is a reason I had to stop. Like anything, doing it well was a lot of work. I always ended up having to quit taking photos much sooner than I wanted. I had to scale back my ambition to fit my energy requirements. I could only do photography on days when my body was cooperating fully. I had to cancel many photoshoots because the preparation was just too much to handle. And after my bigger projects it took me forever to recover.

GIVE ME ALL THE CONVENIENCES PLEASE.

That “you have to struggle” attitude is no-good-gatekeepy-ableist crap. 

Old photographer grumps are upset because they spent years learning how to focus manually on horseback and use the sunny 16 rule and develop film in a converted shed they built by hand and now “those darn kids” can use an iPhone on a skateboard while doing a kickflip with their eyes closed and still pull focus.

However, despite there being a lower barrier for entry, the technological improvements add new complications to the advanced side of things. So you can make photography as difficult as you desire if you are willing to learn new stuff. Which old school photo grumps are notoriously averse to.

This new tech has all kinds of novel things to discover and figure out. There is drone photography. There is advanced macro photography using robotic focusing rails and ever-improving focus stacking software. You can now network more lights together than ever before. Karl Taylor did a photoshoot with 12 lights! (Captain Picard would totally lose his shit.) Long lasting batteries and computerized sliders have created new timelapse possibilities. Stabilization software allows complex hyperlapse videos. Better low light performance and sharper lenses with big apertures combined with stacking or star trail software has improved astrophotography. Advances in material science have allowed darker and darker high quality neutral density filters for extreme long exposure photos. New focus tracking algorithms have allowed for wildlife photography that was never possible before. You can capture fast-moving birds in the sky from farther away and still get amazing detail. Faster burst modes allow people to capture split-second action. Never miss a good header at your kid's soccer games. (Is that a thing? I have no kids and don’t remember how to soccer.) IBIS allows photography without a tripod. So now people can trek to harder to reach areas, AT NIGHT, and take sharp photos with little noise. Increased dynamic range and new HDR displays will allow photographers to take images of lights and capture their actual intensity. What if the lights in photos could glow like they do in real life? Think about a neon sign at night in the rain reflecting in a puddle. That would look so neat. 

Not to mention learning how to process photos in editing software is an entirely separate and challenging skillset you can master. There are thousands of techniques you can learn to elevate your images. Dodging & burning, frequency seperation, and compositing, oh my! Programs like Lightroom and Photoshop are constantly updated with new features that expand possibilities.  

None of that is easy. It will all require diligent study and practice to master. Technical skills will always be an aspect of photography that anyone can pursue. But not everyone will need as much technical skill to start having fun and create art. 

And much to the chagrin of those grumps... phones are perfectly viable to create that art and they will keep getting better.

You might find it odd that this love letter and goodbye to photography has so much talk of technical gadgetry. But, for me, it isn’t out of place in this sentimental essay. Technology was my first love. My parents bought me a 66mhz Packard Bell computer when I was 12 and technology was the first thing I was ever good at. I learned every function of that machine. I would sometimes break it just so I could learn how to fix it. I took it apart and put it back together. It was my first true obsessive hobby. I found my creativity soon after, and I immediately used that technology to help me create art. I wrote comedy. I learned how to digitally paint. I recorded music. And eventually I found photography. It was the perfect marriage of technology and art. I could nerd out as much as I want while still getting my creative fix. 

So yeah... I miss it all. 

I miss all of the technical nerdery. I miss trying out new gadgets. I miss editing the photos I’ve taken. I miss taking pictures of my beautiful friends. I miss taking pictures of weird products. I miss asking Delling to call apiaries to find me freshly dead bees so I can take macro shots of their fuzzy little torsos.

I really hope some day I find a treatment that gives me enough energy to take photos again.  

Thankfully my writing helps me feel creative and productive and fulfilled. And it’s something I can do even if I’m not able to get out of bed. And I am grateful I have so many awesome people that actually want to read what I have to say.

So thanks to everyone for that. 

I always find a way to move forward. That’s just the nature of surviving chronic illness. But glancing back at what I lost is a pain I never quite get used to. 

Though, writing this has helped. 

Looking back at all that I accomplished has helped. 

And I do feel lucky I was able to accomplish what I did--even if missing it makes me sad sometimes.  

[swashbucklery]

Some Batwoman stans on twitter are saying that Avalance doesn't get enough development, that they are sidelined and that their relationship is only shown for comedic purposes. Thoughts please?

So, I mean. First of all. If the Batwoman stans on twitter are bothering you, I encourage you to take steps to aggressively curate your Twitter experience so that it provides you with a relaxing and nourishing slice of fandom to enjoy. The line between “fun activity” and “app of howling nightmares” with Twitter is razor thin and requires active effort. If you are still using the official Twitter app for your phone, consider using a third-party app that gives you some extra features and control - my favourite is Twitterriffic, which allows me the delicious luxury of all my posts in chronological order like it’s still 2010.

Secondly, that’s okay. They’re allowed to say whatever they want on Twitter, and neither of us has to care. I think now that we have a large diversity of wlw ships available to us in fandom, we have to stop thinking of queer relationships as something we have to consume as like. Admission requirements to participate in femslash fandom. I think now, femslash ships are a lot more like pizza.

So, for instance. I really love Avalance! They’re providing all the things that I enjoy in my television girlkissing, and Legends of Tomorrow is exactly my kind of pizza! It’s got all my favourite toppings (pepperoni, pineapple, and mushrooms for the record) and it makes me really happy!

Batwoman and Kate/Sophie is, to me, an okay pizza. If we’re getting literal, I think it’d be pizza with maybe pepperoni - a thing that I love - but also maybe two kinds of olives and green peppers and SO MANY WEIRDLY GORY SCENES WITH SKIN FACE MASKS WHY IS THIS A CASUAL TROPE. And so, like. It’s not my favourite pizza for a few reasons, most of which aren’t related to the quality of the pepperoni itself. The reasons I don’t like this pizza have to do with the ways I feel about those other toppings, and the ways they interact with each other. My feelings are also influenced by whether or not there is other pizza around - if this is the only pizza at the shop and I’m really hungry, maybe I can overlook the green pepper and politely pick off the olives and make this pizza work! 

But also, like. Have you ever been at a party where two people start debating what the best kind of pizza is? It’s a fun discussion, but it’s ultimately unwinnable! Some people just love pineapple and pepperoni and mushrooms, and some people love BBQ chicken and olives, and each of those people are going to have a super different take on what it means to be a best pizza. 

However, with pizza and with fandom, it’s always most polite to try to enjoy what you enjoy, and not make someone else feel bad for liking things that you don’t. Let the Batwoman stans enjoy their olive pizza, and if Avalance is more your thing, enjoy that in the way that makes you feel happiest, and be glad that you live in a world where nobody can make you eat olives that you don’t want. I hope that helps, anon.

[purplesurveys]

814

Have you seen Casablancas? If you mean Casablanca, then yes. Though to be more accurate I’ve tried watching it numerous times but it was always a bit boring to me and I’ve never been able to finish it, whoops. What's your favorite older film? Gone with the Wind and Two for the Road. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone 10+ years older? No. I don’t know if I’d want to get into something like that either. Do you listen to Howard Stern? I’ve only seen one episode(?) of his talk show and only because one of my favorite wrestling personalities was a guest. I was like 13 when I watched it so I did not expect and was shocked at the explicit questions he was asking, but I powered through for my fave lmao. What kind of vehicle do you drive? I have a white hatchback Mitsubishi Mirage, but I think my dad is selling that soon so I might have to drive the Suzuki Vitara from now on.

Do you think it's weird to cut pizza with scissors? That’s...so weird....I’ve never seen anyone cut up pizza like that. We do use scissors to cut barbecue though, so the idea of cutting up food with scissors isn’t fully weird to me. Aliens or unicorns? Aliens are far more interesting to me. Would you ever want a Loot Crate? I’m not really into their content. I’m more likely to buy other subscription boxes. Are you sensitive to caffeine? Not so much? I mean I get the usual effects you’d expect from caffeine – palpitations, getting a bit jumpy, feeling awake – but it hasn’t been any worse than those. Do you enjoy any of your friend's grandparents? This question is phrased so weirdly lol. I get along very well with Angela’s grandpa (and her grandma, until she passed) and we always have nice, brief conversations when I come over at her place. I do not like Gab’s grandmother at all. She’s homophobic, criticizes Gab for her looks, Facebook posts, etc., and she also does not like me for whatever reason. I don’t go down without a fight lol so I’ve also been vocal about the fact that I don’t like her back, and I always tell Gabie to never put me in the same room with her because I will not be able to hold my mouth back jkfhkdhfdfdg. Do you have any friends that have moved a state away? I have friends that have moved continents away. Locally speaking, it’s not common for people to move from the city to the province. Have you ever worked in sales? No. I don’t think I’ll last a day in that field; it’s just not my forte. What's something someone calls you that you find endearing? I like the pet name ‘baby’ for one. Who was the last person you had a heart to heart with? Gabie. What's your favorite children's book? I went to the school library nearly every day as a kid just to read Corduroy over and over again. Is there a new season for a series you're excited to come out? Friends was supposed to have some kind of reunion special that was gonna air by May but I think they pushed it back due to the pandemic, if that counts. Otherwise, the newest season for Queer Eye that I had been waiting for already came out last week. What's the last funny thing you remember someone saying to you? Wasn’t a funny thing per se but last night Gab sent me a hilarious cat/dog gif. If you wear makeup, what brands do you use? I don’t. What shampoo and conditoner are you using? I use Dove shampoo and Cream Silk conditioner. Do you like Lily Pulitzer? I only recognize the last name, but I don’t know if she’s related to the person that the Pulitzer Prize was named after.

How old are you? 22.

How do you usually do your hair? Usually it’s simply down, but when it gets warm I tie it up in a ponytail with the hair tie that is on my right wrist 24/7. How do you feel about leggings if your shirt covers your butt? Idk, not my style. I’d rather tuck it in. Tbh I’d rather not wear leggings at all, but yeah answered this question just in case I had no choice. What's your favorite playlist named? I don’t have one. I have a lot of mood and themed playlists and any of them are bound to be my favorite at some point depending on my mood. Have you ever been given a ticket? What for? Yeah, Rafie once gave me an extra WWE ticket for free because his mom works for one of the companies that served as a sponsor for the show. We watched the gig together and it was one of the best nights ever. I really appreciated the nice deed, considering we weren’t the closest of internet friends. What is something unique you enjoy about the one you like/love? She can do a mean chipmunk impersonation, haha. I ask her to do it whenever I’m down and need a laugh. What is your favorite frappuccino flavor? Java chip. What is something that would make you think less of someone? If I see/hear them make the slightest face or remark on anything LGBT-related. Do/did you have a Neopets account? I didn’t but I did have some kind of Neopets game on my phone where I had to jump over obstacles like trees, and it let me play it without having to make an account. Have you ever cheated on a significant other? Never. What is something you're procrastinating? Nothing, really. I should be registering for a social security number now so I can move on to job-hunting, but a) their online registration process is garbage and b) I can’t go out yet to do it physically. I don’t really have a choice but to hold it off for now.

What app do you waste the most time on? These days, Facebook. Twitter has since become boring during the quarantine – since no one can go out, no one tweets stuff about their day anymore and everyone’s just been retweeting shit and it’s gotten boring lol – so I haven’t been using it a lot in the last couple of months. Do you play any games on your phone? Just a couple. Are you more liberal or conservative? We don’t have those here but I’m sure I’ll be considered as liberal. Have you discovered any bands or artists lately you're digging? Nope, been sticking to my favorites these days. Who was the last you saw perform live? Paramore. Are you into sport's ball? No idea what this is.

[merlins-earmuffs]

These are excerpts of Colin Morgan as Dylan in ‘Passenger List’. To listen to the full episodes and follow the story, please go to passengerlist.org | transcript below the cut

DYLAN: Hello?

(Dylan’s voice is slightly DISTORTED, like it’s being filtered through some sort of voice concealing app.)

KAITLIN: Hi, I’m trying to reach... uh... Dylan? 

DYLAN: Didn’t you read the note? You have to download — shit. Look, I’ll call you back. Click on the link I send you. 

KAITLIN: Wait, but I — 

(CLICK. He’s hung up. Kaitlin sighs. Suddenly her phone starts RINGING. She picks up.)

*

(She picks up the RINGING device.) 

KAITLIN: Dylan? 

DYLAN: Don’t call me again unless it’s through the app. It’s only safe if we both use it. 

KAITLIN: Right. Um... 

DYLAN: So what do you want? 

KAITLIN: I just wanted to thank you for the photos, and the phone records — 

DYLAN: There’s no need. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. 

KAITLIN: Thanks... 

DYLAN: Is that it? 

KAITLIN: What? 

DYLAN: Was there anything else? 

KAITLIN: Who are you? (when he doesn’t answer) Why are you helping me? 

DYLAN: I’m just someone who wants to find out what really happened. I saw your post on the Facebook group and I wanted to help. 

KAITLIN: Right. Did you have someone on Flight 702? 

DYLAN: Look, you don’t believe the birdstrike theory, right? Well, neither do I. 

KAITLIN: (suspicious) OK... So... how did you get those images? 

DYLAN: No. 

KAITLIN: What? 

DYLAN: No, you can’t ask me that stuff. 

KAITLIN: OK, but — why wasn’t Dimo Dragov on the passenger list? 

DYLAN: He was traveling on a fake passport. 

KAITLIN: And wouldn’t the FAA have some sort of — 

DYLAN: Lots of people travel on fake passports, for lots of reasons. He’s not your guy. 

KAITLIN: Well then why would...? 

DYLAN: I thought it might have something to do with him, but... I’ve got another lead — 

KAITLIN: Wait. You’re saying all of this — the trafficking, Dragov’s crime empire — had nothing to do with the plane going down? I mean that — 

DYLAN: Correct. Trust me. And you’re wasting your time with Ana. 

KAITLIN: How do I know that you’re not part of this? A member of Dragov’s crime family trying to throw me off the scent? She waits for him to continue and when he doesn’t… 

(Silence.) 

KAITLIN: (dryly) Wow, thanks for the reassurance. 

DYLAN: Listen, Kaitlin, I don’t have time to reassure you. You can either trust my intel or not. 

KAITLIN: You have more?

DYLAN: Yeah. The person you should really be looking into is... 

(There’s TALKING in the background.) 

DYLAN: Shit. I’ve got to go. I’ll be in touch. 

KAITLIN: No! But I — 

(CLICK.)

*

DYLAN: Kaitlin. 

KAITLIN: It wasn’t birds. Even if they hit the birds, that isn’t why the plane went down. 

DYLAN: You really shouldn’t call me unless it’s an emergency. 

KAITLIN: I thought you said this app was safe — we couldn’t be traced. 

DYLAN: That’s when I initiate. Your phone could be traced if you call me on an unprotected network. 

KAITLIN: We’re fine, OK? 

DYLAN: (sighing) What’s going on? 

KAITLIN: I don’t think it was Nejem. He would’ve been the number one suspect, and if this was a cover-up they would’ve scapegoated him in a second. 

DYLAN: Mhm. 

KAITLIN: What do we know about this pilot, Helen McPherson? 

DYLAN: “We” don’t know anything, “we” are not a team. 

(Dylan says something garbled away from the phone) 

KAITLIN: Where are you? 

DYLAN: Getting coffee. 

KAITLIN: Oh, right. 

DYLAN: What? 

KAITLIN: Nothing. It’s just — I guess I sort of forget you’re a real person, not just a weird voice on a phone. 

DYLAN: It’s probably best if you keep on thinking of me that way, though — as a disembodied voice. 

KAITLIN: Yeah, you’re right. 

(Dylan sighs.) 

DYLAN: She was Air Force, single, didn’t have much of a life. I’ve done a little poking around, but — so, what, you think she brought the plane down?

* 

DYLAN: You got the recording? 

KAITLIN: Uh, yeah. It was... eerie, hearing them so soon before the... 

DYLAN: Yeah. But it definitely didn’t sound like she was suicidal. 

KAITLIN: Suicidal people can still joke around. (beat) Thanks... for sending it. It was... weirdly comforting to listen to. How’d you even get it? 

DYLAN: Don’t worry about it. 

KAITLIN: (quietly) Right. (beat) Dylan, why are you doing this? 

DYLAN: I care about the truth, just like you. 

KAITLIN: Yeah, but I have a reason to care. Are you involved, somehow, in all of this? 

DYLAN: I have... access, and a conscience. That’s all you need to know. 

KAITLIN: What kind of access are we talking about, here?

(Kaitlin’s phone begins to RING, interrupting her conversation with Dylan.)

KAITLIN: Shit. That’s the Google number I set up for tips. I — 

DYLAN: Take it. We’ll talk later. 

KAITLIN: Oh, wait, but —

(Dylan HANGS UP. Kaitlin SIGHS and answers the phone.)