#this is actually a decent breakdown

[kai-ni]

crying, screaming, throwing up (with excitement)

[andoutofharm]

me and pete, in the wake of saturday

[sneez]

the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]

[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.

the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:

annoying

copies other people constantly

draws cute animals

arrogant

cries when told off

maybe 1 friend

the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:

anxious

listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively

bad under pressure

anime

writes bad fanfiction

draws bad fanart

the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:

what the HELL is a Self Esteem

really into 60s music

cries a lot

0 fashion sense

usually dissociating

thinkin about trees

the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:

still no self-esteem but medicated now

significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)

I haven't changed much to be honest

RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket

autism

end id.]

[icewindandboringhorror]

Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[anonyhun]

My brother and I were talking about TMNT and I have to ask ya'll something

[trans-xianxian]

I've started to display the three clear signs of Ben Sleep Deprivation (using Big Words, having full outloud conversations with myself with complete disregard for if there are other people around, openly weeping about wei wuxian fully unprompted) so I'm gonna go sleep until I wake up again god bless

[crunchycrystals]

this essay is so bad ajksgfjdksgfdjkshfdsjlfds

[azumasoroshi]

going fucking insane over one of my wips because it's for a really small subgroup of a really small fandom of a really small fandom of a really big fandom that everyone fucking hates because people are cancelled like every other week and basically i cant talk about it with anyone without needing to explain like 60 pages worth of story that I wrote PLUS no one wants to talk about me because it's one of the cringiest ships in existence that sounds HORRENDOUSLY heteronormative on paper and like half the fandom calls them siblings even though they have been confirmed multiple times not to be and the other half is like oh the girl would never be in love with the guy because she's in love with the player!! as if being in love with her ideal of the player is healthy for her all and can't change or she can't fall out of love with someone whose interactions were limited to basically just looking at her, clicking through her text and DELETING HER

yeah so is about monipai as in monika from ddlc and senpai from friday fucking night funkin (i know. im sorry) im so down horrendous im on like seventeen doses of copium and counting and there's 11 total monipai works on ao3

one of them is mine and the other ones are either written by a 10 year old (because it's fucking fnf, what sane adult would write unironic fnf fanfiction) or unfinished (because fnf fics get no traction and unless you're fucking insane like me and have 60 pages of pure brainrot there is NOTHING keeping you going for such a nonexistent audience) and oh my god why am i here

the other fandoms ive been in recently are vashwood and shizaya and those are great!! those are normal!! vashwood has been getting boatloads of content that i cant stop looking at/reading and im getting fun ideas for aus and there's so many people in the community rn to interact with

and shizaya is a bit of struggle because the fandom is smaller but there's so much older content to go through/reread that it's fine and my posts about them get some traction and in some places you can actually talk to people who have been in the fandom from the beginning of time and overall it's a good fun time

AND THEN THERE'S MONIPAI. the ONE straight (bi4bi according to me and im always right) ship in fnf that no one likes because they're "sibling coded" for some god forsaken reason (and im usually all for sibling headcanons/prefer them over romantic ones but NOT THIS ONE SENPAI LITERALLY CONFESSED HIS LOVE FOR HER IN THE MOD) and it'll only make sense to people who like DDTO enough to not forget about it after playing like 19832529 other mods and even THEN like half of them ship it in the really cringe heteronormative way that dudebros ship them like GOD FUCKING HELL GET ME OUT OF HERE

ive never been madder about anything ive shipped ever. i LOVE getting comments on my fic and im surprised ive gotten any at all but holy shit

you know that one person who made like 3000 fics for their honeyworks throuple. honey i feel you cuz what the fuck is this

and with my usual ships i can send them to my friends who know what to expect and be like ok so these are the gayasses you're obsessed with this week but with this one. like the very premise is so ridiculous id be laughed out of their dms but this is literally like the most in-depth and serious ive gotten about any of my fanfiction plots ever (there's like themes and callbacks and motifs and everything, thats how you know it's bad). this is probably better written than my book drafts and it makes me SO MAD

ive even considered like. what if i just made them my ocs, since i've developed them so much and the plot is entirely my own creation. that might even be easier but the fic is so heavily based off of canon content that it just wouldntd make SENSE how am i supposed to rewrite all that canon lore when i take them out of it. i cant. im stuck tying them to ddtoverse

back to what i was originally talking about: basically i got this really nice comment on ao3 on my monipai fic and i was smiling really hard and spinning in my chair and i was inspired to try and write again so i update my. oh it's 71 pages. 71 page document to try and update chapter 3 and i end up going to my other ideas and workshopping them and suddenly ive penned down ideas for 4 DIFFERENT CLIMAXES?????????? AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR PROS AND CONS AND THEY ALL BASICALLY LEAD TO THE SAME ENDNIG AND I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE AND I CANT ASK ANYONE BECAUSE IF THEY'RE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO READ IT I WANT THEM TO READ THE FIC AS IT'S BEING UPDATED BUT NO ONE'S INTERESTED ANYWAY

and trying to ask about which one i should choose while removing all incriminating details (read: monika and senpai's names) is so hard because there's SO much i have to explain as backstory and no one even responds to it anyway so there's no point :sob:

anyway i love monipai and specifically my version of monipai and it's legitmately ruining my life how's your day going

[mezerin]

I HATE Sundays. Why? Because I spend the entire day knowing I have to work the next day. And as the hours tick on I get more and more depressed and angry. And by the late afternoon I’m a very silent and angry person. And all I want to do is crawl in bed because I have no energy for anything else. But then end up staying awake staring at nothing until way too late at night because I don’t want to start the next day. Which just makes it worse cause then I’m going into Monday, the first day of the work week, with no sleep. And it’s just . . awful . . I wish there could be a job I actually liked, that didn’t cause so much stress, but would also still let me afford bills and ‘healthcare’ . . again, I hate Sundays and I should probably just go to sleep because I’m not going to be getting anything else done today. And I have to do training and meetings tomorrow, plus 100+ pages of auditing and I’m just . . I’m so tired.

[sayrvne]

apologies as i can't seem to put in a read more on mobile lmao i specifically remember they added the feature a while back?? but now i can't find it so

i am once again in a really turbulent state of mind at my job, i'm feeling similar to how i felt back in 2018 during my apprenticeship when i was basically just left to my own accord with no experience or support. the difference now is that i'm no longer an apprentice and i should be able to handle myself in situations like this but it feels like the odds are stacked against me and i am totally trapped with no way out.

my only other colleague that does the same job as me is a conspiracy theorist nutjob that condescends me and won't sit on the same floor let alone communicate with me. my manager lives in a different fucking country and he's only a temporary manager they've just dropped into the role while expecting him to still keep on top of his previous work, so for the most part he lets us self manage which is great for some, but makes me want to gouge my eyes out. everyone else on my bank of 6 desks today is working from home, it's just me alone with no one to talk to or share space with so i feel even more isolated and lonely.

i've been in this job for 6 months now, my probation is due in 1 week and 1 day. i have still not been caught up to scratch with all the things that changed in the year i spent away from this workplace. i'm just so fucking exhausted, man.

[featherlikescartoons]

I need more friends. And a therapist would also help.

[whathappenedtomyweekend]

sooo in not-so-fun news: our landlords are selling the house we've been living in since April last year that has been our home and peaceful abode!!! and the estate agency we're with actually sucks balls and so do most of the other estate agencies in town that I've been with!!!! I've been to 7 estate agents today so far and 🎶tell me why🎶 ALL OF THEM have told me that us having two indoor cats is gonna be a problem because I guess fuck us!! right??? that's a thing that should happen on a random fucking Wednesday three weeks before we're set to go on a holiday which we're saving every extra pound towards and are now gonna have to save even more to fucking move into a smaller space!!! how great!!!!

[iphy]

sometimes I start functioning semi-regularly as a singular person for a few days, but inevitably. INEVITABLY the little horrors make themselves known

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

[thatoneluckybee]

Things I Wouldn't Tell You Off Anon (or maybe I would, who knows. Maybe you could tell who I am anyway):

I subconsciously associated you with Hioko (I could have misspelled her name) from Danganronpa 2 because your previous avatar reminded me of her

Yeah, you're not escaping mighty Danganronpa

I'm never escaping this fandom.

But I must admit, dear Anon, that I actually genuinely enjoyed Hiyoko as a character a lot.

She was very entertaining and I loved seeing her development throughout the game. That is one of my MAIN GRIPES with the entire franchise— we get wonderful character development and arcs for many characters, but unless they re one of the mains, the change doesn't stay and they go right back to how they acted chapters ago just for a bit.