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7-wonders · 3 months

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At the Edge of the Universe

Michael Langdon x Reader (Mad Love Act II, Chapter XIV)

Summary: It’s time to meet the residents of Outpost 3 as Michael begins his interviews to see who will make it to the Sanctuary (spoiler alert: not many).

Word count: 4.1k

A note from the author: Surprise Mad Love drop! We are down to our last three or four chapters, can you believe it? I've told myself that I'm not allowed to write anything else until I finish this, so expect updates semi-frequently. Goal is to get this bad boy finished by June! As always—hope you enjoy, and remember that likes, comments, and reblogs make my world go round!

Mad Love Masterlist

This is your fourth Outpost visit, and as you look out at the small crowd of survivors gathered in the sitting room of Outpost 3, you believe that you can confidently say that every one of them looks exactly the same.

Not appearance-wise, of course. Overseers are allowed to establish their own rules for their respective Outposts, including wardrobes. Most had been pretty laidback, actually. Outpost 3 is by far the most draconian, and you’re already regretting not pushing back on Michael’s decision to have you join him as you sweat in your stiff Victorian gown.

Though outfits and rules may change, what doesn’t is the faces. Every single time, when you and Michael arrive and make your introductions, the faces of the survivors are filled with hope. The hope of new drama, the hope of continued survival, the hope of a way out of the Outpost. It’s so familiar now, and each time, it’s pained you to see. These people that the apocalypse has spared, whether due to circumstance or societal standing, have no idea that they’re just pawns in Michael’s game of chess. No, worse than pawns. They’re nothing but dolls, amusement for Michael to play with before tossing them to the side like they’re worthless.

“My name is Langdon,” Michael starts. Instead of introducing you, he looks to you to introduce yourself, and you press your lips together to keep from smirking. Oh, he’s so going to regret this.

He immediately does the moment that you introduce yourself with your first and last name. Your legal last name, the one you were born with, and not that of your infernal husband. You can feel him looking at you, surely with barely-contained rage. Instead of looking back, you simply smile warmly at the occupants of Outpost 3, waiting for Michael to get back with the program.

“We won’t sugarcoat the situation,” he says after a brief stumble. “Humanity is on the brink of failure. Our arrival here is crucial to the survival of civilized life on Earth.”

There are a couple of other things that don’t change from Outpost to Outpost, you note as you watch the interaction that unfolds. The questions, for instance, are almost always the same, and almost always asked out of turn in a way that is guaranteed to infuriate Michael. What happened to everybody, what’s the Sanctuary, will some survive, etc. You clock every single question—even robot Ms. Mead’s, though that one wasn’t too surprising since you knew how she was reprogrammed—and listen as Michael gives the same answers that he always does.

Something else that doesn’t change? The abject lust displayed by a good contingent of the survivors. Michael’s a very attractive man, which you obviously know. 18 months is a long time to be surrounded by a very small amount of people day in and day out, and now that there’s fresh blood offering them a chance at salvation, they’ll do anything to convince him that they’re worthy. You frown as the survivors jockey for his attention, to be first.

Not because you’re jealous or anything. It seems as though the only aspect of Michael’s personality that has remained untouched through his rebirth into a full-fledged Antichrist is his devotion to you. No, you frown because you know that Michael loves to use this to his advantage. After all, lust is one of the seven deadly sins.

“What was that?” Michael asks after the introduction is over and as soon as the doors close behind you in the office in which the interviews will be conducted.

“What?” you ask coyly, playing a game of your own.

“You know what.”

“Oh, that?” Michael nods exasperatedly. “Langdon’s not my last name.”

You’re not sure if he looks more angered or bewildered, though the combination does have a pleasing shade of red creeping up his neck. “Of course it is, you’re my wife!”

“Not legally,” you retort.

“Well, we can’t exactly go to a courthouse to make it legal.”

“Hmm, maybe you should have waited for us to get to the point where I wanted to get legally married before ending the world.”

Michael’s jaw clenches, and he smirks. “Clever, though I have to say that your attitude is getting old.”

“And yours isn’t?”

You’re both breathing heavily as you glare, daring the other to continue. You fight with Michael so often now that this is a familiar dance, and you know the next move. He goes to kiss you, and though you’re certainly tempted, you put a hand up to stop him.

“No! No, we are not having sex right now.” You try to sound convincing, though you might be attempting to convince yourself more than Michael. It’s just so easy to resort to sex. It’s the one thing that you both agree on in this new world—that you’re good at having sex together. Plus, that’s one of the only times that you don’t completely hate him, and though it pains you to admit it, you look forward to those moments when you forget why you should think him a monster.

Michael raises an eyebrow. “We could, though.”

“No.”

To drive the point home, you put as much space between you as possible and go to the desk that holds all of the files of every Outpost 3 resident. If there’s one thing that gets Michael’s mind out of the gutter, it’s talking about his magnum opus: the apocalypse.

“What’s Dinah doing here?” That had been quite the shock, to greet Outpost 3 and find yourself meeting the eyes of the (now former, you suppose) voodoo queen. Though her own had widened in a frightened recognition, she looked down at her hands and kept her gaze there for the remainder of the meeting. The man next to her, her son, was one of those who instantly fell a little bit in love with Michael.

“She bought her spot, just like all the other rich fucks.”

“So she won’t be joining us back at the Sanctuary,” you tease.

“Absolutely not, especially now that I have no use for her and her powers.”

Ever since ending the world, Michael’s powers have blossomed into a whole different beast. He’s so powerful now that you don’t even know the extent, and you don’t think you want to. Where before, he would have needed the help of a voodoo queen or the Supreme when doing something especially complicated or out of his wheelhouse (such as enlisting Dinah’s help when you ate Satan’s poisoned apple or getting a spell from Mallory to reveal the ghost of Cordelia Goode), now, their powers would be worthless to him. You’re no expert when it comes to magic, but you think that his power must be equal to at least ten Supremes.

You certainly don’t want to test that theory.

“How many survivors will be accompanying us back to the Sanctuary, do you think?” you ask.

“Considering I’m not hopeful about interviews, there will be two. A man and a woman, both selected for their optimal genetics.” The interviews are never something to be hopeful over, because they almost always are a disappointment. In the other twelve Outposts, there have been a total of nine survivors that impressed Michael enough with interviews alone that he spared them from their original fates and gave them a spot at the Sanctuary.

“If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the two that are very obviously in love with each other.”

“Which ones?”

You rifle through the folders until you find two with pictures that match who you were looking at in the library. “These two. Timothy and Emily.”

He looks up at you curiously. “How could you tell?”

“When they weren’t watching you, they were staring at each other.”

Though the two were sat across the room from each other, their eyes were continually drawn together like magnets of differing polarities. You’re a little shocked that Michael couldn’t tell, considering his ‘night vision of the soul,’ as he calls it.

You just call it his creepy Antichrist powers.

You try not to, but you find yourself beginning to look through all of the files. They’re all fairly simple; a headshot, a bio, medical information. Really, Michael only uses them to look official and mysterious as he begins to pick their personalities apart bit by bit. For you however, they help to get to know the survivors, even just a little bit.

That’s precisely why you don’t like looking through these, why you don’t like these visits at all. Because knowing them, and knowing their ultimate fates, is something that makes you sick. Maybe that’s the price you’re forced to pay by the universe for being the Antichrist’s wife. You’re forced to be complicit in the continued mind games and eventual deaths of these people who thought that they were somehow safe after the bombs dropped.

Michael scoffs at the next file you flip open. “That’s one interview I’m dreading.”

“Her?”

“Mhm, Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt.” His words drip with disdain.

Coco…the name strikes some level of familiarity, but you can’t remember where you would have met a Coco. She didn’t look familiar when you saw her and her…interesting hair in the sitting room. She’s obviously a socialite, so maybe she was trending for some scandal or another in the Before. It’s so hard to remember that time, not only for the pain, but because it feels like an entire lifetime ago.

(Was it really only eighteen months ago that you were preparing for graduation, scrolling through social media, and participating in regular 21st-century society?)

One person who does look familiar? The white-haired stylist whose work Coco sports and the one who claimed the first interview spot before anybody else, Mr. Gallant. You’d recognize him anywhere—his confidence in you was one of the sole reasons you had the courage to go down the stairs and join Michael for your first Cooperative function. But as for him?

“Mr. Gallant didn’t recognize us,” you broach.

“No, he wouldn’t. Those whose services are needed by the Cooperative but aren’t trusted enough to keep their mouths shut are…conditioned to forget.”

“You brainwash them,” you clarify.

“I don’t.” His lips twitch at his own joke. Of course, he doesn’t. That would be getting his hands dirty, which he hates doing, especially now that he has all the resources in the (under)world at his disposal.

“My bad.”

“You’re so interested in this group of survivors. Does that mean you’ll be joining me for interviews?”

When you joined Michael for the first time, at Outpost 6, you said yes when he asked you this question. It was something different, after all, and you were at first interested in being a part of the process and getting to know some new survivors. Of course, this was all before you actually sat in on the first couple of interviews and witnessed Michael’s interview ‘style’ firsthand.

You roll your eyes. “Ugh, no. I hate all the weird sexual tension you have with everyone you interview.”

Naturally, Michael gets the wrong idea and thinks that you’re jealous. He places his hands on the arms of your chair, and leans in until he can meet your eyes. “You’re my one and only, you know that.”

“I do.” You stare back at him unflinchingly. “Doesn’t mean I like it.”

“The sexual tension or that you’re my soulmate?” You simply raise an eyebrow in response, and Michael sighs before straightening up. “Well, a Gray should be arriving at any moment with Mr. Gallant, so if you don’t want to see any ‘weird sexual tension,’ I would suggest leaving now.”

“Alright then, guess I’ll give myself a tour around ol’ Hawthorne.”

Michael pouts. “I was planning on taking you around tonight after Venable’s curfew.”

“Oh, that sucks. Have fun.” You give him a friendly pat on the shoulder as you leave the room.

Outpost 3 isn’t the largest Outpost you’ve visited, but it’s still pretty expansive. In most cases, this would mean lots of exploring to do. Unfortunately, it seems that Ms. Venable has stripped this place of anything that would make it unique. Hall after hall looks exactly the same in a way that would be disorienting if you weren’t keeping track of your whereabouts. The same boring, gray walls, the same black doors, the same frightened Grays scurrying around.

(If you had to pick the worst part about this Outpost so early on, you’d have to go with the forced servitude of some of the survivors here. Most of the other Outposts had a glorified chore chart that distributed tasks equally among survivors. Others had special privileges given to those who volunteered to work. This system? Well, this system has you hoping that Michael’s especially tough on Ms. Venable during her interview.)

After coming to the unfortunate conclusion that this is about as interesting as it’s going to get for you, you make your way back to where it all started: the library. This room at least has some character, between the fireplace and the music playing. Yes, it might be the same song on repeat, played on a vintage radio, but at least it’s something.

As it turns out, you won’t be alone. The two that you had noticed earlier, the ones that couldn’t keep their eyes off of each other, are holding hands and whispering to each other on the couch. They spring apart when you enter, and it’s obvious that they’re not expecting anybody to see them. Their attitude, and the way they’re trying to play it off like they weren’t conspiring, gives you pause. What other severe rules has Ms. Venable imposed on those under her care?

“Hello,” you smile at the two warmly in between appraising the titles on the shelves. “Timothy and Emily, right? It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” Timothy says warily.

Emily, who doesn’t have that same tact, immediately gets to her question. “Are you here to interview us?”

You shake your head. “No, I let Langdon do the interviewing.”

“So…what do you want with us?”

“I don’t want anything with you. I am trying to find some entertainment, because this place is already incredibly boring and I’ve barely been here six hours.”

Timothy laughs. “Yeah, that doesn’t really get better.”

They watch as you continue to peruse the books, waiting to see if this is some sort of trap devised by you and Michael. It’s not—you genuinely just want to find a book you haven’t read yet and escape to your bedroom for a few quiet hours. Unfortunately, nothing is modern here, not even the books, and you end up settling on Frankenstein, which you’ve read a couple of times now.

“Is it alright if we ask you a couple of questions?” Timothy asks when you turn back around.

So much for a quiet few hours.

You sigh and sit down on the couch opposite the pair. “I can’t guarantee that I can answer all of them, but I’ll certainly try.”

“What’s it like out there?” Timothy asks the question, but both his and Emily’s eyes shine, desperate for any sort of news about the world outside the walls of Outpost 3. You wish you had better to share with them.

“Lawless. You remember the movies about the apocalypse?” They nod. “It’s worse than that. The world is completely unrecognizable, decimated by the bombs. If it weren’t for a map, I wouldn’t even know where we are. Those who survived the blast have been affected by the radiation from the fallout in the most terrible of ways. They have…sores and growths and cancer, all over their bodies. People kill each other for the smallest scrap of clothing. I’ve seen cannibals picking clean the bones of someone they once traveled with, someone that was once their friend.”

“My god,” Emily mutters.

“When M-–Langdon traveled to Outpost 2, his carriage was almost overrun by a band of survivors. They believed there was food inside, and even if there wasn’t, they wanted the chance to hurt somebody that hadn’t yet been hurt by nuclear fallout.”

That had been a terrifying ordeal to hear Michael recount. He wasn’t scared at all, knowing both that the radiation couldn’t hurt him and that he could (did) kill all of them with the snap of his fingers. But you were, for the simple fact that the world that you had once lived in was completely gone and replaced by one where people hunted each other out of necessity, because it might be the only true meal they could eat in weeks.

“How did he get out of it?” Timothy wonders.

The true answer obviously isn’t something that you’re able to share, so you instead go with what would have been the answer if it were any other member of the Cooperative in the carriage. “The bodies of the carriage have an electric current that can be activated in case of emergency. The attackers were all electrocuted with the push of a button.”

“Langdon mentioned a Sanctuary,” Emily says. “Is that where you live?”

“We both do.”

“What’s it like?” Timothy asks, while at the same time, Emily questions, “Where is it?”

“The Sanctuary is…well, it feels like the world never ended, that it just moved underground. As for the location, I’m afraid that’s classified.” You smile sympathetically, feeling a lot like Michael.

Now that this line of communication has been established, that Emily and Timothy now feel like they can trust you, you can practically see the plethora of questions that they want to ask.

“So how do you end up working for an organization like the Cooperative?”

Now that’s a question you haven’t been asked before. “It’s kind of a long story,” you say with an awkward laugh, wracking your brain to come up with a lie convincing enough that they believe it.

Before you can, the sound of a cane clicking slowly across the floor stops you. You look in the direction of the entryway, where none other than your dour host stands. Her bright orange hair stands in stark contrast to the rest of her outfit, black like yours. She smiles at you with darkly painted lips, but it’s a smile that holds absolutely no warmth.

“Dinner is served,” she announces.

The three of you stand, but only two start to follow Ms. Venable to the kitchen. “I’ll take my leave, then,” you say.

“You won’t be joining us?” She sounds a tad incredulous, as though nobody’s told her no in quite some time. That’s likely the case.

“The Cooperative supplies us with rations of our own, so as not to take from the Outposts’ stockpiles.”

It’s technically true. Michael would rather starve than eat the gelatinous cubes that constitute nutrition, and thanks to the endless powers he’s gifted with, meals remain the same as they are when at the Sanctuary.

“We shall see you tomorrow, then.”

You nod before smiling at Emily and Timothy. “It was nice talking to you.”

As you walk towards the office, you can already hear Venable questioning what it was that you talked about, trying to determine if the two gained an edge on making it to the Sanctuary. If only she knew that they’re practically guaranteed spots, you think with a quiet laugh.

Michael arrives at the office at the same time as you do, which is odd, considering he’s meant to be inside the office conducting his interviews. He takes your hand and kisses the back of it gently before opening the doors and leading you in.

“Where were you?” you ask.

He waves a hand and the doors close behind you. “Finishing up an interview.”

“Doing a little field work?”

“Something like that. Now, I’m starving, and I would very much like to enjoy dinner with some good company.”

At first, you felt a little bad eating your favorite foods while the rest of the inhabitants were forced to eat what was left of their rations. Why should you enjoy while they suffer? And then, you met the survivors, most of whom were filthy rich, and you felt okay with it.

Now, as you sit across from Michael enjoying an actual meal, you allow yourself to pretend for a little bit that your life is still as it was before the end. That this is a regular day after classes, and you’re eating a quick meal and enjoying the company of the man you love before you’re off to finish homework, go to an activity, or just hang out with friends. You miss the simplicity that you didn’t know you had, even still after eighteen months.

“How were your interviews?” you ask, trying to bask in that normalcy for as long as you can.

“Nothing to write home about, though I did learn that Ms. Venable is…shockingly self-conscious beneath her hard exterior.”

You scoff. “And that’s surprising to you?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“I talked with Emily and Timothy,” you mention.

“Please tell me they’re not as vapid as the rest of the inhabitants of this Outpost.”

“No, they’re…actually kinda cool.”

If you’re being honest with yourself, the reason that you immediately liked them so much is because they kind of remind you of you and Michael, before the apocalypse. They’re so in love with each other, so eager to just be near one another and enjoy their presence. It brings you back to New Orleans, walking through the market arm in arm as you searched for the perfect gift for Kate and he eagerly shared what he had learned when looking up grad schools for you. What you wouldn’t give to be showing him how to catch fireflies, or enjoying a sugary treat together.

Shouting sounds from downstairs, a loud argument starting to take place and distracting you from your thoughts. While you strain to try and hear what’s being yelled about, Michael simply smirks. “Took them long enough.”

Neither of you is surprised, because this is what always happens when Michael arrives at an Outpost. He, quite literally, brings Hell with him. It’s an interesting side effect of what happens when an Antichrist inhabits your space. Those walls that people put up, the rules that they live their lives by, crumble when the living embodiment of sin walks in. From there, it’s only a matter of time until everything unravels and they begin giving in to those seven deadly sins. As you listen to wrath begin to cloud minds, you can practically see Michael becoming more powerful thanks to it.

Later, wrath continues, along with a side of lust.

High-pitched shrieking, so different from the argumentative yelling of earlier, wakes you from the dozing you had taken to while trying to read Michael’s interview reports after dinner. You scramble to sit up in your chair, looking at Michael with wide eyes.

“What was that?” you ask.

He doesn’t even tear his eyes away from the computer to look at you, simply waving a hand nonchalantly. “Oh, Timothy and Emily have just been caught having sex. They’re about to be executed.”

“What?” You stand up in alarm, sure that this is actual cause for alarm. Michael, on the other hand, doesn’t even react to your reaction. “Michael!” you snap, desperately wanting him to show some kind of humanity.

Finally, he turns around in his chair and sighs as though you’re interrupting your work, which you know for a fact you’re not. “Yes?”

“We can’t let them die.”

“We won’t.”

You look at him in disbelief, because it sure looks like he’s going to let them die. “Then why aren’t you stopping this?”

Michael finally joins you in standing, taking your hands in his and squeezing reassuringly. “It’s sweet of you to worry about them, and I promise you that they will not die before reaching the Sanctuary. I’ll stop this when the time is right. First, however,” he smiles, “I’d like to enjoy their terror for a bit.”

“Every time I think you can’t possibly let me down more than you already have, you prove me wrong.”

Michael’s face falls at the barb that hits unexpectedly deep, but you don’t have it in you to claim any sort of victory in this. Anger, that heady emotion that’s fueled you up until now, has completely left you at this latest example of Michael’s lack of humanity. All that remains now is disappointment, and it’s a disappointment that leaves you tired. Tired of these games, tired of the life that you’ve found yourself in, tired of being able to do nothing but watch.

Except, you can do something this time. In this Outpost, you have the same amount of power as Michael. With that in mind, you pull your hands free and make for the door.

“C’mon, where are you going?” Michael calls after you.

You don’t answer him, because he knows as well as you. If he won’t put a stop to this, then you will.

///

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#michael langdon #michael langdon imagine #michael langdon x reader #american horror story #american horror story imagine #ahs imagine #michael langdon imagines #mad love musings

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tashatrace · 2 years

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little help from my friends

pairing: phoenix x fem!reader.

plot: you work at your aunt Penny’s bar, and at Coyote’s birthday celebration, she tells you she knows you have a crush on one of the costumers.

word count: 1.493

a/n: so, this is the first fic I write in a while, and the first I let someone other than a few friends read. Been an avid fic reader for a long time and decided to give this a try. It’s just a little fluffy something I had in my head, feel free to send me some nice words, your thoughts, etc.I did not proofread this. I’m planning on writing more, details on my pinned post!!

★

You’d been working at the hard deck for a couple of weeks now, and everything seemed to be going well. You got the hang of things pretty quick, and your aunt Penny made it all the better: explaining how things worked around the bar, and making sure you knew how to deal with all the pilots who would constantly swarm the place, and were bound to throw a line or two at you. You managed to handle it pretty well, and even found it fun to flirt a bit with some of the customers now and then. Penny made sure you understood everything that came with dating or even just sleeping with a pilot, and even though a few caught your eye here and there, it never went past friendly flirtation.

It was supposed to be just another friday night at the bar, with the pilots welcoming another weekend, drinking, singing, dancing, playing. Your aunt’s boyfriend Pete showed up a bit earlier with a cake, explaining it was one of the newer instructors birthday, and he wanted to do a little something for him. You got along well with them and got pretty excited actually. That was until he and his friends got there.

You had a crush the moment you first saw Lieutenant Trace. How could you not? She was one of the most beautiful women you had ever seen, and that confidence and “no bullshit” attitude she carried were enough to make your heart flutter. Her friends would often flirt with you, and although you did think they were all good-looking, you could never pay attention to them for long while she was near. You tried to shelve all those thoughts you had about her and settle on being friendly with her everytime she started a conversation with you which, thankfully, was every time she was there. Seeing her out of her uniform did something to you, though. She was just wearing jeans and a simple black t-shirt, with her hair down, and yet you couldn’t take your eyes of her as if she had suddenly showed up in a suit and a diamond crown.

“You ok there?” Penny nudged you with her shoulder while taking the glass you were supposed to be wiping from your hand.

“Yeah? Of course.” you tried to smile. “Is everything okay?” it was always hard to lie to her, but you didn’t feel it was the time to confess you had a crush on Phoenix to her. To anyone really. Ever.

“Listen…” she sighed and came a bit closer to you so no one else would listen. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. And you might have managed to fool everyone else, but you’ve been staring at her for about 2 minutes now.”

You knew it was pointless to try to lie to her, so you just took a deep breath and tried to sound like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Ok, can you blame me? But it’s fine, don’t worry. I remember very well what you said to me, I’m not gonna go out with a pilot, don’t worry.”

You tried to get past her and go back to work since it wasn’t fair to leave your co-worker, June, to deal with everyone by herself. But your aunt just moved with you to keep standing in your way.

“It wouldn’t be fair if I made you stay away from pilots when I’m sleeping with one, would it?” she raised an eyebrow and gave you a small smile. “I trust you to deal with anyone who tries to give you shit, and I trust Phoenix, so…”

You were suddenly getting real tired of this conversation. You spent a big amount of time trying to convince yourself it was a stupid pointless crush, and hoping it would go away. Penny wasn’t helping.

“I don’t even know if she’s into girls. I barely have the courage to approach people when I know I have a chance, this is definitely too much.”

“She is.” Penny just kept looking at you, but you were too nervous to say anything.

She is???? Of course you had hoped for that, and even daydreamed about it once or twice, but this was getting too real too fast and you were not prepared.

“Honey, I work here, I own this place, I know things.” she winked at you. “Look, all I’m saying is that I know, for a fact Lieutenant Trace is into women. What you choose to do with that information is up to you. You have my full support.”

And just like that she walked away and you were brought back to reality. The woman you had feelings for was there, in civilian clothes, and however small they might be, you had a chance with her. Coyote approached the bar for the free refill Penny was kind enough to give him, and you walked up to him right away. You gave him your well wishes and you talked a bit about his day until a slightly intoxicated Fanboy appeared asking you to supply shots to everyone, on him. Everyone cheered and came closer to wait, and when you were almost done, the bar owner herself filled another glass to your delighted surprise, until she extended it to you.

“C’mon now, I asked Kate to come help and she’ll be here in a few. We can handle the bar, go have fun.”

You wanted to fight her and curse at her but you knew it was just nerves. You turned around to drink the shot with everyone and went to follow them to the pool table, being joined by no other than her at your side.

“So Penny let you off early today, huh?” she smiled and sipped her beer. Oh, fuck. You were in trouble.

“Yeah! I guess she wanted me to have some fun with you guys tonight. I haven’t really made friends since moving here, and you’re always nice to me so…”

She just smiled at you, and seemed to scan your face for something you didn’t quite know what. You were about to say something, when Hangman tossed a crumpled napkin at Phoenix and made a sign for her to hurry. It was only then you realized the game was going really slow and everyone was suspiciously avoiding looking at you. Except for Rooster, who was propped on his cue and staring.

“Ok then…” she took a deep breath, set her beer on the nearby table and put her hands on her hips. “My buddy Coyote had a stupid request for me today.” She said it a little louder so he could hear. “And because it’s his birthday, I couldn’t say no. Now, I don’t know what you’ll think of it, and you can just say no and we’ll put this all behind us and pretend it never happened, okay?” she gave you a smile and all you could do was nod. “I’ve wanted to ask you out ever since I saw you here, and these assholes won’t stop bothering me because of it, so… Would you go out with me? We can go to a restaurant, maybe walk on the beach, whatever you’re up to.”

You tried to decide if it was all a joke, or a dream, or if this was actually happening.

“You wanna go out with me?” you sounded like someone had just asked you to wear a watermelon on your head.

Phoenix laughed a bit and nodded. “Yeah. If that’s something you’d like.” she seemed to get nervous at your lack of reaction and continued “Everytime we come here I think about asking you out, but I never had the courage to do so. I think you’re really hot and really cool, so yeah.”

“She had a dream that you kissed her. “ Bob blurted out, and Phoenix turned to him instantly, with an expression you couldn’t see from your place, but that made him apologize and lower his head, and everyone held back a laugh.

That got you out of your thrance and you just full on laughed at the situation, having to stop yourself to breath and calm down. When you managed to do that and ran your hand through your face to get your hair out of the way, you just smiled at her and gave your answer.

“It would be my pleasure, Lieutenant.” Everyone cheered and Coyote called for another beer.

Natasha picked up her beer and got closer to you, until your arms were touching. “I’m really glad you accepted. I’m gonna need your number so we can discuss our date.” you chuckled and fished your phone out of your pocket.

“Well, I’m glad you asked, because I’ve had my eyes on you for a while, but no guts to do something.”

She put her arm around your back so she could put your phone in your pocket and rest her hand on your waist. “Thank Coyote.”

#top gun x reader #top gun phoenix x reader #phoenix x reader #natasha trace x reader #top gun fics #phoenix top gun #natasha trace #natasha phoenix trace #top gun #top gun: maverick #top gun maverick

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vickyvicarious · 9 months

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Lucy wrote her memorandum so no one else will get in trouble through her, and if I remember correctly Jonathan too at one point said that he's writing about what is happening as facts for someone else to benefit from if he perishes...

You have excellent timing, I was actually planning to talk about yesterday's Lucy/Jonathan parallels when I came back to see this. Yes! In fact, there are several lines which call back to Jonathan quotes:

"If this book should ever reach Mina before I do, let it bring my good-bye." Jonathan, 4 May "I write this and leave it to be seen, so that no one may by any chance get into trouble through me. This is an exact record of what took place to-night." Lucy, 17 September

I'm pretty sure Jonathan has a few other similar lines but this is the first one. And it becomes apparent that his journal is written for multiple purposes, including keeping his own sanity intact, serving as a record he can consult, a place he can be honest about his emotions... but from very early on it is also intended as a resource that can be seen by others. Jonathan's intention is for them to know the truth of what happened to him. But in a way at the end, the diary is also intended to serve the purpose of countermanding his own assistance in getting Dracula to England. He doesn't want anyone to 'get into trouble through him' either, it's what provokes him to make the shovel attack. (Alas, then he breaks down and his memory loss and trauma lead him to choose not to open it.)

And of course, Jonathan also has several different times he emphasizes that he is making an exact record. He's not the only one, of course. The Captain of the Demeter does the same. All three narrators who suffer from Dracula preying upon them for extended amounts of time take care to say this.

"I doubt; I fear; I think strange things, which I dare not confess to my own soul. God keep me, if only for the sake of those dear to me!" Jonathan, 5 May I have a dim half-remembrance of long, anxious times of waiting and fearing; darkness in which there was not even the pain of hope to make present distress more poignant: and then long spells of oblivion, and the rising back to life as a diver coming up through a great press of water. Since, however, Dr. Van Helsing has been with me, all this bad dreaming seems to have passed away; the noises that used to frighten me out of my wits—the flapping against the windows, the distant voices which seemed so close to me, the harsh sounds that came from I know not where and commanded me to do I know not what—have all ceased. [...] But I need not be watched; I am well enough to be left alone. Thank God for mother's sake, and dear Arthur's, and for all our friends who have been so kind! Lucy, 17 September

Lucy is more willing to confess to the strange things she thinks here, for the first time. Jonathan wasn't, in the beginning, and we aren't sure whether he ever fully did (he certainly had nightmares he wasn't talking about, regardless of how open he was about more confirmable experiences). But they both experience similar uncertainty about the reality of what is happening to them. They both suffer memory loss - at different points, maybe in somewhat different ways, but also maybe not that different? They also both hope to be saved for the sake of those who love them.

Something made me start up, a low, piteous howling of dogs somewhere far below in the valley, which was hidden from my sight. Louder it seemed to ring in my ears, and the floating motes of dust to take new shapes to the sound as they danced in the moonlight. I felt myself struggling to awake to some call of my instincts; nay, my very soul was struggling, and my half-remembered sensibilities were striving to answer the call. I was becoming hypnotised! Jonathan, 24 June I kept my eyes fixed on the window, but the wolf drew his head back, and a whole myriad of little specks seemed to come blowing in through the broken window, and wheeling and circling round like the pillar of dust that travellers describe when there is a simoon in the desert. I tried to stir, but there was some spell upon me, and dear mother's poor body, which seemed to grow cold already—for her dear heart had ceased to beat—weighed me down; and I remembered no more for a while. The time did not seem long, but very, very awful, till I recovered consciousness again. Somewhere near, a passing bell was tolling; the dogs all round the neighbourhood were howling; and in our shrubbery, seemingly just outside, a nightingale was singing. Lucy, 17 September

Both Jonathan and Lucy are hypnotized by vampires in their swirling specks of dust form. Both begin to come back to their senses as they hear dogs howling.

"If there were any one to talk to I could bear it, but there is no one. I have only the Count to speak with, and he!—I fear I am myself the only living soul within the place." Jonathan, 8 May "What shall I do? what can I do? How can I escape from this dreadful thing of night and gloom and fear?" Jonathan, 24 June "What am I to do? what am I to do? I am back in the room with mother. I cannot leave her, and I am alone, save for the sleeping servants, whom some one has drugged. Alone with the dead!" Lucy, 17 September

They both speak of being alone with the dead, though in Lucy's case she doesn't realize the full extent of the 'dead' who are with her. But both bring this up in the context of being unable to speak/communicate with other people, and in both cases this is because Dracula has deliberately isolated them. By trapping Jonathan in the castle, by drugging the maids...

I included the second Jonathan quote because I love how despite this completely understandable despair and uncertainty, both he and Lucy take action almost immediately after writing those lines. Jonathan decides to make the climb through the window the very next day, and Lucy resolves to hide her memorandum in order to make sure it is found. They both have very limited resources/options, but neither sinks into despair for too long. They fight till the end.

"The chances are desperate, but my need is more desperate still. I shall risk it. At the worst it can only be death; and a man's death is not a calf's, and the dreaded Hereafter may still be open to me. God help me in my task! Good-bye, Mina, if I fail; good-bye, my faithful friend and second father; good-bye, all, and last of all Mina!" Jonathan, 25 June "At least God's mercy is better than that of these monsters, and the precipice is steep and high. At its foot a man may sleep—as a man. Good-bye, all! Mina!" Jonathan, 30 June "I feel I am dying of weakness, and have barely strength to write, but it must be done if I die in the doing. [...] Good-bye, dear Arthur, if I should not survive this night. God keep you, dear, and God help me!" Lucy, 17 September

They both fully understand that they are facing death, and in fact are more likely to die than to survive. Both are certain the risk is worth it and press forward despite the danger/their fear or weakness. Both fear something worse than death happening to them, and appeal to god for a death as a human... though Lucy's pleas are less explicit about this because she doesn't remember enough to be able to verbalize any distinct other possibility.

And of course, when convinced they are about to die, both of them dedicate their final words to their loved ones.

And that's just the quotes that stuck out to me. There's also other things, like:

A shared feeling of inevitability (in Jonathan's case, externally imposed by Dracula's deadline/the threat of the vampire ladies; in Lucy's, it comes as a result of her long health struggles and the impending danger tonight she cannot stave off alone)

Being menaced by wolves under Dracula's command, who don't actively hurt either narrator but do serve to trap them in with him for the night

Everything about their nightmares, especially the timing of Jonathan's nightmares being specifically mentioned on the same day as Lucy's nightmare becomes a waking one

Each of their avenues of protection/escape being eroded or blocked one by one, leading them to lose hope for their survival. Sort of overlaps with that shared feeling of inevitability, but I wanna emphasize how Dracula is intentionally cutting them off repeatedly as they try various things.

I mentioned the dogs already, but Lucy's two encounters with Dracula in swirling speck form echo Jonathan's two close calls with the vampire ladies who first showed that form, except Jonathan was saved both times and Lucy wasn't. Even when she came out of the trance for a while, it was too late.

It was a lot.

#dracula daily #lucy westenra #jonathan harker #count dracula #vampire ladies #lucy/jonathan parallels #i GOTTA start tagging those #anonymous #replies

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thisbuildinghasfeelings · 2 months

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Happy nice ask week!

Sorry if you've been asked this already, but I'm so curious: how did you get started cross-stitching? What made you want to pick it up and how did you learn?

Thank you for asking, Ren! Cross stitching was my pandemic hobby. I was off work from mid-March 2020 to mid-June 2020, which gave me A LOT of free time. That made cross stitching the perfect pandemic hobby because it can be very time consuming.

I was also deep in my Schitt's Creek obsession at the time. At one point, I stumbled upon a Schitt's Creek cross stitch kit for beginners...I don't even remember what led me to it. It looked interesting and seemed like it might be fun, so I ordered it. When you buy a kit, it generally comes with everything you need, including a needle, fabric, hoop, the right amount of embroidery floss, the pattern, and instructions. Kits are a good way to go when you have no idea what you're doing, which was my situation at the time! This was my very first cross stitch:

I can clearly remember sitting in my bedroom, reading the instructions that came with the kit, watching a couple youtube videos, and figuring out how to do it. I was hooked pretty much immediately. I proceeded to stitch about a dozen Schitt's Creek patterns I found on Etsy. There are so many available! Then, in March of 2023, I wanted to again combine my hobby with the tv show I was obsessed with. Since there were no Lone Star cross stitch patterns available, I had to start making my own!

#nice ask week

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sweetlikehoneystingslikeabee · 1 year

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Does Waylon have any real friends among the rogues? I'm kind of sappy so I like to imagine that, if he does and he has an s/o--and so does the rogue-- they go out on double dates or host dinners and such, esp since your version can cook really well.

"Friends of Killer Croc"

Oh my god. That's so cute. Please feel free to request someone specific if you want a full scenario! (On my list of characters I write for, anyways)

Tw: none

- I think first and foremost, Waylon is friends with Oswald. In many different variations of the characters, Oswald Cobblepot is a rather odd looking character and/or outright disabled himself. If you are disabled, you know what I mean when I say you tend to find friends in other people who are too. Even if it's not the same, it's finding people who relate and understand what it means to be different.

Oswald understands that in spades and is probably one of the few people who didn't immediately curl away in horror when they first met. The only somewhat big thing they disagree on is how to prepare fish which can impact dinner plans.

- Another friend is June Moon. I love their romantic relationship they sometimes have in the comics and I feel if nothing else, they would be good friends. Again, she didn't shirk away from him in any kind of fear (other than perhaps initial shock og how Big the man is). They both struggle dealing with a darker side of themselves and talk a lot about it. Sometimes, they've even done their best to be the Voice Of Reason for each other.

She is a Baby when it comes to spice but tries to suffer through it if it comes to double dates because she knows Waylon's cooking is good. She will regret this later.

- He and Bane are workout buddies. At first it was because no one else could really keep up with them. Then they started spotting each other and actually talking... They have pretty different backgrounds but they relate in that people tend to get nervous around them as huge "scary" men.

He teaches Bane French sometimes and Bane will teach him bits of Spanish.

And with food? Oh my god these two could put away an insane amount of food between them both. Bane can't cook for shit so he is in awe over what Killer Croc can do. That's... sort of what happens when you grow up in a prison with no real life home skills. Waylon might try to convince him to take a cooking class or teach him things himself.

- perhaps surprising (or not) Poison Ivy. They have a natural chemistry that comes from the flora/fauna relationship. He just feels... at ease when she's around. She doesn't treat him like he's stupid because he doesn't have the same level of education she does. Some of her more aggressive plants seem to like him.

For dinners, she likes to bring him fresh herbs and spices she grew herself. Adds that extra kick and he loves the smell it brings to the home. If he's got scraps, he'll wrap it up to feed to her carnivorous plants.

- Harley. In short, it's because Harley is friends with almost everyone. She's that likable. She's also going to help him with cooking which turns very messy very quickly. But it's all good fun.

#killer croc #waylon jones #foxwriting #hcs

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tessherongraystairs · 1 year

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I'm not looking forward to the rwrb movie ngl

They apparently erased Nora being jewish

The cast seems to have like zero chemistry in interviews

They combined Nora and June which means we lose that bisexual rep and the side plot of the throuple, not to mention the sibling relationship with June and Alex since June's character no longer exists

And I'm pretty sure that Zahra was black in the books, not iranian

I'm just not happy with what happened to this media adaptation and I'm not looking forward to the amount of straight "allies" who are going to just bash it for being gay and not the genuine criticisms or also fetishize it beyond belief

*ignore me I keep seeing stuff all over my instagram and it's pissing me off that they're ruining so much of pretty good book

this is the first I’m hearing of most of that

OH MAN

that’s so disappointing

I didnt even know there was no June and stuff

#Taylor and nick seem okay tho #Their one interview is so funny

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wrestlingisfake · 8 months

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WrestleDream preview

Christian Cage vs. Darby Allin - Allin is challenging for the AEW TNT championship, in his hometown of Seattle. It's a best two out of three falls match, so the first guy to score two falls (by pinfall, submission, count-out, disqualification, or stoppage) wins the match and the title. Cage has been acting like the TNT champion ever since he helped Luchasaurus win the belt on June 17, but he didn't officially win the belt until September 23, in a three-way match against both Lucha and Allin.

The story has dragged out for months and it seems to be well-received, but there's not much to it beyond the fact that Cage is a mega-dick and Allin has a strong attachment to this particular championship. I could get into how Christian has become a meme for fixating on his opponent's dead fathers and single moms, but that's not really pertinent here. I also don't expect his talk of becoming a real father figure to Allin's protege Nick Wayne will amount to anything. Once the bell rings, it's just going to be a hometown hero against a ridiculous heel running out of ways to avoid a straight fight.

Christian spent most of his career intertwined with Adam "Edge" Copeland, whose WWE contract reportedly expired at the end of September. Naturally fandom jumped the gun and started fantasy booking Edge getting into this storyline two weeks ago, so by now there's a lot of hype for his debut. If he's in the building tonight, my guess is he'll make his entrance after the match is over. I'm not at all convinced that he'll align with either of these guys or play a role in the finish. But I guess we'll see.

I was on the fence about who would win here until they made it clear this match would close the show. We've got several local boys on this card and I don't think they'll all win, but you gotta figure the one in the main event has to win. WWE would jump at the chance to defy that expectation, but AEW isn't nearly so eager to fuck with people, so I think Darby will secure his third TNT title reign.

Zack Sabre Jr. vs. Bryan Danielson - Sabre is the NJPW World television champion, but as far as I've heard the title is not at stake here. This match is more about simple pride, and delivering a dream scenario for mat-based wrestling.

Danielson is such a good grappler that he routinely won the Wrestling Observer's annual reader's award for technical wrestling, and when he retired in 2016 the award was named in his honor. The only other man to hold the award in the past 17 years is Sabre; Bryan once joked that he came in second for the Bryan Danielson award. A scheduled matchup in 2022 was canceled when Danielson was sidelined. Now planning his second retirement, Bryan is circling back to that unfinished business.

I expect these two to just have fun exchanging holds and working however they want. That may or may not click with AEW's audience. I mean, the AEW fanbase isn't going to ridicule this for being a nerdy scientific bout. But Sabre is all about wriggling in and out of holds, not splashy high-impact maneuvers. And Bryan isn't doing this match to not work Sabre's style; the point will be to beat him at his own game. That could come across like a chess match in the middle of a football game, if they're not careful.

I had a pretty good feeling Danielson would win here...when I still thought this match was going to close the show. The fact that it isn't suggests they don't want to end with a local favorite going down in defeat. And it makes sense for Bryan to put over the younger guy on his way (eventually) to retirement. However, I think there's at least a chance of a Danielson win, so I'm picking Sabre but not with a ton of confidence.

MJF vs. Vincent Marseglia & Bobby Dutch - On September 22, Vincent and Dutch, of the Righteous, earned the right to challenge MJF and Adam Cole for the ROH tag team title. However, Cole injured his ankle on September 20, and revealed on September 27 that he'd need surgery. Rather than forfeit the championship, Max insisted on defending the belts all by himself.

Before Cole got hurt I was sure this was a slam-dunk easy win for the champs. Now I have no idea. The Righteous really have no business winning the ROH tag title from two top AEW stars in the middle of a hot storyline. They certainly have no business pinning the AEW men's world champion. On the other hand, I'm not a fan of a top singles guy winning a handicap match against a solid midcard tag team--WWE used to do that all the time, but that doesn't mean I want AEW to start. Also, what's the point of having Max retain? It'd be a huge testament to his devotion to Cole, but you'd just be setting up another two-on-one situation for the next title defense.

Regardless, I think this should be sports entertainment at its finest. Max will have to pull out all his cheap tricks to stay alive, and because of the storyline the fans will be solidly behind each and every one of those tricks. I don't see him retaining the belts unless someone does a run-in, and right now Max's only friend is not exactly equipped to run into anything. So if he does win, it'll probably involve a whole new wrinkle in the ongoing saga...

Kenny Omega & Kota Ibushi & Chris Jericho vs. Will Ospreay & Konosuke Takeshita & Sammy Guevara - Don Callis and Takeshita turned on Omega a few months ago, and Guevara turned on Jericho a couple weeks ago to join them. Ospreay hasn't formally joined the Don Callis Family but he's been helping them out an awful lot for someone who isn't technically involved. Omega and Jericho needed backup, so naturally that means the return of Kenny's ~very special friend~ Ibushi.

I don't expect this match to resolve any feuds. At most it'll set up Jericho vs. Sammy and Takeshita vs. Ibushi. I'm not sure where that will leave Omega or Ospreay, who already squared off in June. You'd think the destination is Golden Lovers versus Takeshita and somebody, but I'm not sure who ends up in that role. The Callis faction is still a work-in-progress, so they'll probably get the win as they continue to coalesce into their final form.

Eddie Kingston vs. Katsuyori Shibata - Eddie is defending both the ROH men's world title and the NJPW STRONG title. Shibata's ROH pure championship is not on the line, and pure rules won't be in effect. I'm not sure there's any point here except that Eddie loves Japanese wrestling, so he's been going around wrestling all the guys he admires. On paper I'd call Shibata the heavy favorite, but it doesn't make sense for him to be a triple champion. So the story needs to be about Eddie overcoming Shibata's withering offense with sheer force of will. Kingston retains.

Dax Harwood & Cash Wheeler vs. Kyle Fletcher & Mark Davis - FTR (Dax and Cash) are defending the AEW tag team championship. This is a rematch from October 1, when FTR beat Aussie Open to retain the IWGP tag title. The build for this is the same as every other big tag match you've ever seen, with both teams claiming to be the best, and resenting the other being called the best, and everybody's trying to feed their kids yadda yadda. Point is, the wrestling will be good. I suppose a title change would be okay, but I'm thinking FTR will retain.

Kris Statlander vs. Julia Hart - This is Statlander's 13th defense of the AEW TBS championship. Julia has not lost a match since April, when she came up short against...well, Kris Statlander. I've been digging Julia's whole spooky chick gimmick and it's gratifying to see her getting a push, although I don't know if switching the title here is the next logical step for her. Of late she's been spraying black mist into the eyes of Skye Blue and Willow Nightingale, and I have no idea how or why that'll play into this match. Something tells me Kris will retain and Julia will refocus on that spooky stuff.

Adam Page vs. Swerve Strickland - Strickland is from Tacoma and is bound to be over huge in Seattle. I've been profoundly disappointed in the writing for Swerve's storylines in AEW, and I think he's been criminally underutilized. He desperately needs a big win as a statement, and I'm not confident he's going to get it here. They've tried to make this feel like a huge grudge match, but the go-home promos just didn't click with me--each guy basically said what they would have said to literally any other opponent. I like Page and want him to get back into the groove, but under the circumstances I have to pull for Swerve to beat him.

Matt Jackson & Nick Jackson vs. Austin Gunn & Colten Gunn vs. Orange Cassidy & HOOK vs. Penta El Zero Miedo & Rey Fenix - This is a four-way match where the first man to score a fall on any opponent will win the match and a future AEW tag title shot. This feels kind of random. I get the feeling the Gunns are next in line, and the other three teams are just here so we won't expect the Gunns to win.

Ricky Starks vs. Wheeler Yuta - Starks is now 0-2 against Bryan Danielson but he still talks like he's winning, so now Danielson's young boy is going to try to shut him up. I mean, Starks needs a win and he's obviously going to win here, so that's good. But since Yuta is the bottom bitch in Danielson's group it really emphasizes that Starks had to take a big step down to find somebody he could beat. I'm not thrilled about that, but as far as this match goes I'm sure they'll make him look good.

Shane Taylor & Lee Moriarty & Diamante & Mercedes Martinez vs. Athena & Keith Lee & Satoshi Kojima & Billie Starkz - This is on the pre-show. I haven't kept up with ROH lately so I assume Taylor's team is the latest incarnation of Shane Taylor Promotions. I don't know that the other team has any reason to be in this fight. The only storyline I'm aware of is how Athena is a heel but she's "graciously" recruited Starkz, a babyface, as her personal minion. Kojima seems to just be here to remind us that this was ostensibly a New Japan tribute show. I guess Athena's team wins.

Claudio Castagnoli vs. Josh Barnett - Another pre-show match. Barnett is a former UFC champion and once headlined the Tokyo Dome with New Japan. But modern wrestling fans may know his name best from Josh Barnett's Bloodsport, a regular fixture in GCW's Wrestlemania weekend schedule. I'm a bit surprised they're just throwing his AEW debut out there like this, but maybe that's because Claudio's just going to beat him in 8 minutes.

Max Caster & Anthony Bowens & Billy Gunn vs. Shane Haste & Mikey Nicholls & Bad Dude Tito - Gunn and the Acclaimed are defending the AEW trios title on the pre-show. The challengers are Zack Sabre's teammates in TMDK. I hope this means Haste does a cool entrance with his theme song and the orange hat h had during the G1, but knowing AEW they'll accidentally play Slapjack's entrance theme instead. The champs obviously have to retain.

Luchasaurus vs. Nick Wayne - Yet another pre-show match. Wayne is the son of journeyman wrestler Buddy Wayne, who trained Darby Allin in the Seattle area. Luchasaurus is a 65-million-year-old dinosaur with a master's degree, who is unwaveringly loyal to Christian Cage for no apparent reason. So they're going to fight here, probably to keep each other from running into the main event. I'm sure Nick's flippy moves will keep him alive for a while, but Lucha is going to grab this kid and squash him like a bug.

#aew #wrestledream #darby allin #christian cage #bryan danielson #zack sabre jr

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redheadinjapan · 11 months

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Niigata Weather: Here Comes the Rain

Not only has it almost been almost a year since I first arrived in Japan, but we’re also starting to get into the rainy season (called Tsuyu), so I thought it would be a good time to talk about the weather. Specially, Niigata weather. Niigata weather is, in a word, “rainy” (or, in the winter, “snowy”), but there’s a lot more to it than just that. You can find “Niigata’s cold, rainy, and gets lots of snow in the winter” anywhere, so I wanted to break it down a little bit more.

While it is true Niigata gets a lot of precipitation, which means rain most of the year and snow in the winter, it’s not all rainy all the time. When I first got here last summer, it was hot and muggy (though people kept telling me I’d missed the worst of it) with the occasional rainy day. It wasn’t rainy all the time like I had feared after reading about the area, and when it did rain, it was usually on and off rather than continuously pouring rain. This can make the area a little dreary with lots of overcast days, but it doesn’t stop you from being able to go outside.

Summers and winters in Niigata last for a while, a little more than three months each. I was surprised because where I’m from in the US each season is about the same length, but here there’s a notable difference. Especially when it comes to fall, which lasted maybe a couple of weeks last year. It felt like we had just reached the point where the air had that crisp coolness that I associate with fall and then it was over again. Winter hit hard, starting December off with some wet snow flurries. Then, a week or two into December, it absolutely dumped snow on us. So much snow piled up in one afternoon that some of us were worried about bus/train cancellations and if we’d be able to get home (since Japan doesn’t do snow days like we do in the US). Most people said this was an anomaly, even for Niigata City, we did continue to get a decent amount of snow throughout the winter, and it seems the further inland you get, the more snow you get. A good coat and snow boots are definitely worth the investment.

The season that surprised me the most, though, was spring. It was so refreshing when the warm weather started coming in after nearly four months of cold, wet winter. I’d never seen so many blue skies in Niigata City until spring. One of the first days I noticed the clear blue sky, I took a picture of it to send to my friends in the US since it was so unusual at that point. Another day, I scrapped all of my plans for the evening to go eat by the river because it was so nice outside. Turns out, spring in Niigata is really pretty with less rain than usual and not too much humidity. Of course, this also makes for some good Sakura viewing to kick off the new season.

Now that it’s July, I’m definitely feeling the summer heat creep up. Though it probably started in June, it’s gotten worse as the rainy season adds more humidity. I can only hope that the summer heat won’t kill me or my electric bill. Though the sunburn might. Even walking to school without sunblock is sometimes enough for me to feel the start of a sunburn. At least the rainy season doesn’t seem to mean “constant rain” so much as “more likely than usual to get a couple of days of heavy rain.” Summer is the only Niigata weather I have yet to really experience, so I’ll have to see how I fare, but so far, despite the humidity and tendency to be rainy or overcast 3/4ths of the year, it’s not as bad as I expected, so at least there’s that.

#japan #jet program #niigata #niigata weather #snow country #japan weather #weather

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veebs-hates-video-games · 2 years

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And let's finish up for now with quick notes on games I've played on Steam since June and am at least in theory still playing:

Ultra Hat Dimension: Almost done with it and I have no complaints. Cute art, pretty good puzzles you solve by wearing different hats and getting punched repeatedly, and the mouth-made sound effects are very silly

Sunset Overdrive: Surprisingly fun, and it doesn't waste your time early on with a million cutscenes or withholding the actual fun mechanics of the game. All the different movement options make it really fun to get around and keep combat super mobile too

Vault of the Void: Roguelike deckbuilder, the starting class was enjoyable enough, but the next one I unlocked felt so much worse to play. There should be an update soon that specifically addresses that though, so I'm curious how that'll go [update is out, haven't really tried it yet]

Waves 2: I had been meaning to play it for years because the first one was possibly my favorite twin stick shooter ever (and one of the only games I've ever actually been fairly high up on the leaderboards for), but it kept not making it out of early access and I kept forgetting about it even though I bought it a while ago. I finally got around to trying it when it was going around all over social media because the dev died, and now I'm sad but at least it's pretty good even if it's obviously unfinished

Farthest Frontier: I haven't played a ton and will probably wait until later in development to invest any serious amount of time into it, but I gotta support Crate after how much I got out of their previous games. It seems pretty promising so far though

Outer Wilds: I really like the exploration and the general vibe of this and figuring out what's going on, but I've kinda stalled on it for a couple months because I was getting really tired of having to redo stuff I'd already done before. With better shortcuts or some kind of checkpoints or something I probably would've finished and loved it by now, but I'm really struggling to push through instead

Horizon Zero Dawn: I keep forgetting I started this except for occasionally when I'm on my phone and either can't or don't feel up to playing it. I'm still pretty early on, but it's been fun so far and I'm curious to find out what's actually going on. I started it fairly soon after finishing ACO though, and I kept being disappointed that Aloy just isn't as cool as Kassandra (to me anyway)

Final Fantasy XIII-2: How heretical would it be to say that this is better than both FF13 and FF15? It definitely confirms my suspicions that FF13 would be a lot better if the pacing of it weren't such a mess. Also my early impressions like ten hours in were that it's basically a cross between World of Final Fantasy (Final Fantasy but with pokemon) and Radiant Historia (the same kind of time travel setup, except Radiant Historia does it better)

BlazBlue Cross Tag Battle: Definitely the most fun of the several random fighting games I've tried this year, and it made me want to go back and finish the rest of the BlazBlue games' story modes. This one is such a silly crossover, and I forgot that I liked the VN/fighting game combo that BlazBlue is. Also I beat the prologue with a Guitar Hero guitar just to see if I could

NieR: Automata: Not much to say about Near a Tomato yet because I got distracted after getting only like an hour in, but I've been looking forward to it for a while and just kind of not getting around to it. Seems promising so far, even if the default controls are kinda wack

#nier: automata #blazblue cross tag battle #final fantasy xiii-2 #horizon zero dawn #outer wilds #farthest frontier #waves 2 #vault of the void #sunset overdrive #ultra hat dimension

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britswriting · 2 years

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Unbroken (42)

5272 Written on: June 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th 2022 Reminder that chapter 43 is the last chapter. Presave book 2 on Wattpad! - will also be posted here

Unbroken Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Desire - Unbroken book 2 - wattpad

TW: Talk of NICU Stay, struggles with breastfeeding, baby on oxygen

I don't know how to put this TW without telling you, Leigh struggles with the idea of having the baby. I want to put this as a TW because it can be. She feels scared, nervous and not good enough and has thoughts of giving away her baby. Please, read with caution. If this is something that would bother you, skip the conversation with her mom towards the end.

*Leighton's POV*

I feel like everyone paints pregnancy to be this glamorous, joyful event... when in reality it was one of the worst things I've been through.

No one talks about how having a baby affects you. They just show how cute the baby is and how happy they are... so why was I crying in the bathroom as I tried to pee?

It is currently 8:20pm on November 25th 2020, my beautiful baby girl has been in this world for 7 hours... and when I woke up about an hour ago, I found out the harsh news that she had been transferred to the NICU.

No one prepares you for that.

I mean, how do you prepare to tell a new mom that their baby is on oxygen?

My whole labor was a blur. I don't remember too much... but I think it's because of the amount of pain I was in now.

My stomach hurt a lot after being pressed on by the nurses, and my vagina felt like it had been ripped in half. My back, shoulders and lower stomach aches and my thighs felt fatigued.

I had to have help to walk to the bathroom, and I was taught how to clean myself due to the stitches since I did in fact tear.

It was a 2nd degree tear, which meant I had some pretty fun stitches, hence me crying whilst trying to pee.

I got the catheter out about an hour ago, and I always heard that the first time peeing after giving birth was weird and terrifying, but no one warned me that it stings really bad if you have stitches.

If that doesn't make having a baby sound fun, want to know what will?

The really sexy after labor diaper I have to wear that had a pretty thick pad attached to it.

Why, you ask?

Because I'm bleeding like a mofo.

I've never bled so hard in my fucking life.

Now I know I seem to be constantly complaining.... But imagine wearing an adult diaper with a thick pad whilst you're on your heaviest period day ever in history.... And you have stitches on your vagina and you can't even snuggle your baby.

To make matters worse, when I walked, I limped. And I still looked like I was 7 months pregnant.

Sounds fun, right?

Yeah.

"Ms. Fox? Is everything okay?" An on call nurse asked and I sighed, slowly opening the door.

"When can I see my baby?" I asked, letting her help me back to my bed.

There was a new puppy pad placed on it and my water bottle had been filled.

I was waiting for Sam to bring me food since I had slept for quite a few hours after labor.

My family wasn't coming till tomorrow since I had passed out, and the baby wasn't even here.

"I don't know" she said softly and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry as I carefully sat down.

I got moved to a recovery room, and I just stared at the empty bassinet.

All I could think about is how I wanted to give my little girl up... and how if I had done that, I would be sitting here... in this room.. doing the exact same thing as I am now.. just I wouldn't have a baby.

She'd be someone else's pride and joy.

She wouldn't have been placed on my chest, she would've been placed on her adoptive parents...

I felt weird seeing it empty.

When I woke up in the new room and saw the empty bassinet, I panicked.. but now all I could think about was the what if's or the choices I almost made..

Everything could've been so much different now.

I laid in my bed crying after the nurse had left, not hearing Sam enter my room.

"Leigh? I have your food" Sam said softly

"Thank you" I whispered, wiping my eyes.

"Do you want it now?" He asked and I nodded, not having had a proper meal in days.

Sam laid it out on the tray next to me, my eyes locked on the bassinet.

"Do you... do you guys... do you guys know how much.. how much she.. she.. she.. weighs?" I asked, struggling to breathe as my throat closed up, tears making my vision blurry.

"Um... I don't remember exactly. I think it was like 4 or 5 pounds?" Sam said and I nodded slowly.

"They won't... they won't tell me anything" I whimpered, turning to face him with tear filled eyes. "I'm.. I'm missing so much.. so..so..so..much" I expressed quietly, a tear spilling over and rolling down my face, dripping off my jaw.

"Gabe is down there with her. Have you told anyone the name?" He asked and I shook my head, my hands shaking as I reached for the french fries. "Will you tell me her name?" He asked, sounding hopeful.

"I want.. I have someone I want to be the first to know, sorry" I apologized, feeling another tear fall down my damp cheek.

Sam hung out with me as I waited for Intel on my baby. Eventually Emily came in to check on me and as she took vitals, I asked her the stats.

"She's quite small Leigh. She was 5 pounds 13 ounces, 18 inches long. Her head circumference is a little over 12 inches. She's small, but mighty Leighton. She's gorgeous. Right now they're monitoring her to make sure she's okay" Emily explained and I nodded, frowning.

"What's wrong with my baby? Emily, please" I whined, my heart aching to not have her in the room with me.

Emily sighed, side glancing at Sam. "You fell asleep birthing the placenta.. and after she cried.. she somehow got a lot of fluid in her throat... and was struggling to breathe. So now she's on monitors and oxygen as we try and make sure everything is okay. Once she's out of the NICU, she will either come back here or go to the nursery. I know it sounds scary, but she's doing really well" Emily tried to reassure as the tears fell down my face yet again.

God I was sick of crying.

"You said... you said Gabe was there?" I asked and she nodded, placing the black cuff on my bicep. "How.. how is he?"

"Better after his IV drop. He was dehydrated apparently. I'm not too sure what happened since I was focused on you and the baby. I'd have to look at his chart and medical care... but he's down there with your girl. You're one lucky girl Leighton. Not because of the shitty scenario you are in, but because you're not in this shitty scenario alone" She gave me a small smile, marking my read in her chart.

"Has she.. been fed?" I asked and Emily gave me a sympathetic nod. "How.. how did they.. how did they feed her?" I questioned, my voice cracking in emotional pain.

"They gave her donor milk off a spoon. She's struggling to suck.. so we're using an infant spoon. Someone should be in to help you with breastfeeding and pumping. If you pump they'll give her your milk" Emily said and I stayed quiet, quietly crying as I thought about all of these people who got to do my firsts.

The first feeding, the first diaper change, the first swaddle, the first cradle.... I was missing everything.

Not to mention she had donor milk. Her first milk wasn't even mine..

Emily left and I didn't touch my food, not bothering to quiet my sobs as I let my emotional turmoil pour out of me.

"Leigh she's okay" Sam reassured me, but I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut to try and reduce the brightness in the room.

"But I'm not! I'm not okay!" I cried, my hands covering my face.

I felt Sam's arms wrap around me, his head resting on top of mine.

"Talk to me Leigh" He said softly and I shook my head, rubbing my eyes. "Leigh, you just had a baby less than 12 hours ago. It's okay" He tried to reassure me but I shook my head again.

"No it's not! I'm missing everything!" I cried and I heard him sigh. "I'm not just missing everything with my baby... but.. but my life!" I blubbered, Sam rubbing my back. "I can't even see her.. I can't.. I can't.. I can't see her!" I sobbed.

"Do you want me to ask if you can go see her?" He asked and I nodded, wiping at my eyes.

I sat there, crying and bleeding, feeling my stomach turn as my mind raced, waiting for Sam to come back.

It had been about 15 minutes before a male nurse came in with Sam and a wheelchair.

"I can let you visit her for a little bit. I want you to know that she has an oxygen tube in her nose that wraps up and is attached to a little hat on her head so it doesn't fall off. I'm telling you this, so you're prepared to see your baby with some cords on her face and chest. Know that she's doing really well, and this isn't forever, it's just for now" He gave me a small smile, helping me carefully sit down on the pillow in the wheelchair.

When we got to the NICU after a semi painful wheelchair ride, I took a deep breath when I saw Gabriel standing in front of an incubator.

"How is she?" I asked, Gabe turning around.

"She's gorgeous Leigh. We have a tiny little miracle now" He smiled, looking back down at our baby.

"How bad is it? The tubes I mean"

"It's.. weird" He confessed and I nodded, letting the nurse bring me closer.

"Oh my sweet girl" I whispered, my eyes landing on her little helpless body.

"She's so small" I spoke quietly, a tear falling down my face as I scanned the cords connected to her. "My baby.. my... my.. my baby is.. she's.. she's.. oh my god" I blubbered, my throat closing as I lost the words to explain the sight of seeing things connected to her.

"She's a fighter Leigh" Gabriel reminded me and I nodded, straining my neck a little to look at her.

"Look Leighton... the first thing to ever have her name on it" Gabe said, showing me the incubator card that was on the side of the cubby for the files.

"We still need to figure out whose last name she's getting" I muttered, smiling slightly at seeing her name written out in messy handwriting.

"I thought we agreed she'd have my last name?" Gabe asked and I mentally sighed, my eyes locked on my beautiful baby girl.

"That was before you decided you were going to up and move to New York after January" I snapped, and he sighed.

"Leigh-"

"Leave me alone" I grumbled, not wanting to have this conversation right now. "How long does she have to stay like this?" I asked the NICU nurse and she gave me a small sympathetic smile.

"Until her levels even out. Normal babies her size get off of it in a few days. Some a few hours. It all depends"

"What are these for?" I asked, pointing to the little patches on her chest.

"We're monitoring her heart and breathing" She explained and I nodded.

"Can I.. Can I hold her?" I asked and she nodded.

"Just be careful of the cords" She noted, opening the side of the baby bassinet.

"Do you want a supportive pillow?" She asked and I nodded, letting her place one on my lap.

She placed my baby girl into my arms and the second the weight was against my hands, I couldn't stop the tears or the smile as I rubbed my finger against her cheek.

"Hey baby girl" I whispered, feeling kind of giddy.

"Look up Leigh" Gabe said and when I did, I saw he was taking a photo.

We took a few photos of us with her, the NICU nurse taking one of Gabe and I with her.

"She looks just like you as a baby" Gabe breathed out and I smiled, seeing the recognizable features.

"I wonder what eye color she has. I know they change as they mature" I spoke my thoughts aloud.

"I bet she'll look just like you" He kissed the top of my head, his hand reaching down and lightly rubbing her arm.

"I hope she's nothing like me" I muttered.

"Well I hope she's your carbon copy"

"Where's my grand baby!" My mom asked, walking in the room with a gift bag.

"She's having her tests done" I informed, giving my family a small hello.

It was the next morning and I had spent that night worrying about my baby, so I'm sure the bags under my eyes were really cute.

Something I never thought about was how I would constantly jolt awake, panicking that my baby was hungry, or needed a diaper change, or even that they had stopped breathing.

I was afraid.

To make matters worse, she spent the night in the NICU and was supposed to spend all day up in my room with me if she passed her tests, and the waiting was agony.

"What tests?" She asked, placing a piece of her pumpkin bars in front of me.

"Awe thank you! And her hearing, eye and reflex texts. I have a consultation with a lactation person soon to talk about breastfeeding and such" I informed, happily digging into the homemade dessert.

"How has recovery been? You're being treated right here, right?" She asked and I nodded.

"Did you bleed really heavily with your pregnancies?" I asked her, noticing Lexi was carrying a bag. "What's that?"

"For the baby, don't worry about it" She gave me a look, setting the bag next to the sink.

"I bled pretty bad with you kids. Why? Is it bad?" She asked and I nodded quickly.

"It's so bad! It's like the worst period in my life, and I heard that when you breastfeed, that you get the worst fucking cramps! Why did you guys allow me to have a baby" I pouted, setting down my plastic fork.

"If I had it my way, you wouldn't have ever left our house" Dad spoke up, reaching for my water bottle to fill it.

I talked to my family about my labor and delivery, my dad filling in the spots that were a little blurry, when there was a soft knock on my door.

"Come in!" I called, trying to see who it was.

"Hey momma!" A woman's voice called out, and I grinned, watching my baby get closer to me.

"She's in a normal bassinet!" I spoke loudly, and the younger nurse nodded.

"She passed all her tests, and if you notice... she's off her oxygen right now. She still has monitors. This little machine has her stats" She pointed to a tiny little device in the crib. "Please keep in mind that she might go back on soon. We are trying to see how she does on her own. Our lactation consultant will be here soon, along with our on-call pediatrician" She said and I nodded, wanting to hold my baby so bad.

"Introduce me to my first grand baby! It's a girl?!" My mom said excitedly and I nodded.

"Can someone hand me her?" I asked, not being able to move, afraid of leaking.

The nurse carefully handed me my baby girl and I saw my sister had her phone pointed at us.

"Momma... meet Gemma" I grinned, my eyes teary.

My mom gasped, her eyes lighting up in excitement and shock.

"Leighton Rae! You didn't!" She yelled, making the baby jump and then cry. "I'm sorry!" She quickly apologized and naturally I started to bounce her a little, trying to calm her down.

It took a few minutes, but she eventually lulled herself back to sleep.

I looked up at my mom, and she had tears falling down her face.

"I can't believe... Leigh" She whined and I giggled.

"I wanted her to carry your legacy.. and you're both miracles in my life. I wouldn't change her name for the world" I smiled and she walked over, whipping away her tears, hugging me.

"Does she have a middle name?" My mom asked and I nodded, my mom's hand caressing Gemma.

"Gemma Lorraine" I announced, falling more in love with my baby the longer I stared at her.

"That's a gorgeous name Leigh, is Lorraine to anything specific?" She asked and I nodded.

"Stephen gave Bridgette the middle name Lorraine after his mother. Gabe wanted his mom connected to Gemma as well, and I thought having Lorraine would be perfect, plus it's kind of a head nod to Stephen" I explained, my sister now fussing over my baby.

"So where are all the people that are normally attached at your hip?" My dad asked, making me laugh.

"Gabe, Chase and Penny went to go pick out some preemie outfits for her, Sam and Kat said they were coming later, and I don't know where Colby went"

Gemma got passed around to my family members, taking different photos with them as I waited for Aaliyah to get here with her camera, the lactation consultation came in.

"Good afternoon! I'm a Hannah Dodger and I'd like to just say a quick congratulations before we get started!" She smiled at us, walking over towards the sink to wash her hands.

I thanked her, trying to calm down my crying baby.

"Just to give a quick run down, we are going to practice breastfeeding and positions, so if you're uncomfortable having anyone in this room see your breasts and or if they are, I'd like to kindly ask you to step out of the room for a little while"

My dad stepped out which made me laugh, but I understood why.

"How do I calm her? I don't.. she won't stop crying" I asked, still bouncing her softly and trying to change positions.

"I'm thinking she's hungry, which is good for us. That being said, let's just get started and I will answer questions along the way! My first question is have you ever breastfed before?" She asked and I shook my head.

"Can you pull down the dressing gown please, let's see this little cutie. Hi baby girl, aren't you just adorable. Oh she has the sweetest face! I've had a lot of boy babies lately and they're cute and all.. but I forgot how precious little girls look!" Hannah cooed, smiling down at Gemma.

I pulled down my dressing gown and undid the nursing bra, my breast now on show for this stranger.

"Okay, do what your natural instinct is, and if I need to fix something I can" She gave me a smile and I nodded, Gemma's crying calming down as I brought her to my breast.

"She should just.. latch.. right?" I asked and Hannah was watching Gemma.

"Sometimes. Has your milk come in?" She asked and I shrugged.

"How would I know? I had sore boobs my whole pregnancy, and I thought the milk was going to come in sooner than the birth.. but I don't know"

"I'm going to place my hand on your boob and squeeze gently. I want to see if anything comes out, okay?" She asked and I nodded, still supporting Gemma's weight in my hands.

It was weird to have her squeeze my boob, but when pale yellow leaked out, I think we all let out a sigh of relief.

"This is colostrum. It's good for the baby. You're going to get colostrum before the mature white milk comes in. Don't be scared because it's yellow" She let out a breathy laugh.

I nodded, my eyes watching Gemma.

"Okay, nudge her cheek gently towards the nipple. You can lightly place your finger under the jaw to make a suggestive movement of latching. Kind of guide her towards you" Hannah explained and I nodded, removing my hand from under Gemma's butt to lightly nudge her cheek, listening to her soft whimpers.

We spent the next hour trying to get her to latch, but because of her sucking problem, Hannah had me pump whilst we gave her even more donor milk off a infant spoon.

No one prepares you for the pain that comes from not being able to give your baby what it needs.

I can't feed her.

She's getting someone else's milk off a spoon, and everyone acts like that's okay!

No, I don't want my baby to starve.. and I'm grateful to the woman who donated her milk so my baby could eat... but it felt like a knife going through my chest as I watched the other woman's breast milk be placed in my babies mouth for over half an hour.

For half an hour I had to spoon feed my baby someone's milk, and it killed me.

"Leigh-"

"No! I can't! I can't do this! I.. I.. mom I can't!" I cried, my hands covering my face and then resting against my face at my jaw.

"Leighton Rae Fox, stop it right now! That baby needs you! You love her and you know it!"

"I.. I love her.. I do.. but mom.. I can't. She's not mine. She can't be! I can't do this.. I can't.. I can't... mom I can't! I need to.. I have to.. mom, please!" I cried, no.. sobbed.. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.. and all I could think about is how;

She's not mine.

"Leigh-"

"Momma she's.. she's too good for me. She deserves better! I can't even fucking feed her! I.. she's.. she's.. she's in the.. in the... in the NICU.. with cords.. and machines.. and.. and.. mom!" I sobbed my body shaking.

"Leighton Rae, look at me. Look at me now" She said sternly, her hand holding mine as she crouched in front of me. "You will not give up on this child. This is your child. She needs you. You're her mom. You are all she wants. She doesn't want some stranger.. She wants her momma. How would you feel if I gave you away? If I decided that I couldn't do this. You would not be sitting here, crying, about not being able to feed her, if you didn't want her. She's perfect baby. Absolutely perfect and she won't be connected to cords forever Leigh. Don't listen to that scared little girl in your head. She has no idea how strong you truly are. I love you so much baby girl. You're my ray of sunshine! You may be twenty one, but you've already achieved so much! Everyone has their highs and their lows Leigh.. but you've never given up. You fight. You're a fighter. It's okay to be tired. To want a break.. but you have to get back up. She's going to make it through this and everything will work out! Don't you dare give up on this little girl because you're afraid"

"What if.. what if I can't? I don't.. I don't want her taken away" I hiccupped, wiping at my face. "Mom.. I'm alone. I'm alone! I.. he's leaving mom. He's going.. he's going away.. I can't.. mom I can't-" I cried and she shushed me, rubbing my hand.

"You're never alone. What did you tell me when I found out I had cancer Leigh?" She asked and I looked over at her, confused.

"Uh.. I uh.. um.. I said.. I said.. you and me.. till.. till the end.. and I... and I.. I.. I meant it" I breathed out, sniffling.

"Yeah, and look at us now baby. You and me till the end. I want my beautiful granddaughter in this pack. Us girls got to stick together. So what if you can't pay your bills. Live with your dad and I. So what if you can't buy her fancy things. Love means more than material items Leigh. You need to stop acting like independence is being on your own. Being independent means so much more than living alone. It means knowing when to ask for help, and when to accept it. Independence doesn't mean alone. It means being there. For your friends, family.. your daughter. Knowing when to put yourself first, when to put your daughter first. It's being an adult Leigh. It's accepting the downfalls, but wanting to fix them. You can be poor and living in your parents basement.. but if you're actively trying to change it.. to make you happy.. then it's good enough. If you're happy living in our house, it's good enough. If you're happy on your own.. it's good enough. If you're happy living with your friends.. it's good enough. You need to stop having unrealistic ideas of independence. Don't shove people away because you're scared. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't cut out my family. I spent every waking minute with them. Your baby girl needs you Leigh. She doesn't need a mom who can buy her fancy dresses. She doesn't need a mom who can take her on vacations on her birthday. She needs a mom who she can come running to crying, spill her guts out, and know no matter what, she's loved. She needs a mom who can sing her to sleep when she's scared. Who will check for monsters under her bed, who will teach her math at the dining room table.. she needs people who love her, Leigh, and no matter if you keep her, or give her away.. no one will love her the way you love her. No one will love her the way you can, and we both know you can do this. You're scared, you're frustrated and tired, you want a break.. I know.. but soak it in Leigh. Soak in these moments with her. The milestones of she was off her oxygen tank for an hour. She was sleeping on your chest for a while. Take a deep breath.. and accept the situation. Believe in yourself. You have a lifetime to make mistakes.. but please Leigh.. don't let this be one of them"

"She's not a mistake. I'm just.. I can't feed her mom. I can't! She.. she won't latch! She can't suck! When I pumped, my milk supply was low, and I know Hannah said that when I'm around my baby more, that it will get better.... but my boobs are sore and for what?! Low fucking milk?! Gabriel is leaving me to go to New York, and I'm going to leave this hospital and be all alone again! I'm doing this alone mom! It's my worst fucking fear! And do you want to know what scares me the most?! I want nothing more right now than to take a substance to forget this pain. To calm my nerves. To breathe. It's like finding out you have cancer all over again! I can't do it mom! I can't.. she.. she deserves better.. and if loving my... loving my baby means.. means doing the best for her.... is a drug addict mother with a shit load of issues and a father abandoning her really the best? Someone can give her so much more than I can mom. She deserves more. She deserves better! She deserves a bright future.. and we don't.. we don't know that.. that it's with me! We don't! I can't be selfish mom! I can't.. I.. mom she deserves better" My voice cracked, my mom and I both crying.

"Leigh.. if you thought you didn't want her.. why did you name her after me?" She asked and my heart dropped.

"I... she's a miracle. She.. she deserved a name.. a strong.. loving.. name.. and.. you're.. you're beating cancer mom.. you're doing it. I wanted her.. I wanted her to have your name. To.. to carry your legacy.."

"So what you're telling me is that she does indeed have a bright future? She's going places?" Mom asked and I nodded, wiping my tears away.

"Of course.. she's my baby girl" I whispered, smiling softly.

"That's right Leighton. She's your baby girl, so act like it. Don't let her down. Don't give up on her because you're scared! Don't do that to her!"

"But.. he's leaving mom. He won't.. he won't admit it.. that he's leaving us in January.. but he is! He won't be here for her mom! She deserves two.. two parents!"

"Leighton, she has more than two parents. Don't think we've missed it. The amount of people that are here, caring for you and her. Colby hasn't left your side during your whole labor. Sam has brought you all sorts of food and sat by your side, comforting you. Katrina has come in and spent time with you. Getting your mind off Gemma being in the nursery NICU.. and Aaliyah.. she's spent every waking minute texting you. So what Gabriel is leaving to go to New York. You have so many people here. That little girl is going to grow up so loved and have the best aunt and uncles... and hey, she won't remember him being gone. If he comes back.. and is ready to do this after putting his life first.. you can talk about what the plan is then.. but right now, in this very moment.. We have a here and now plan. That plan is being with your friends and family, and learning how to care for a newborn. Don't tell your dad I said this, but Gabe can fuck himself. If he wants to run off to New York and go to school, that's his problem. That just means you're stronger than anyone could imagine, and you're going to do a damn good job loving this baby girl. It's okay to make mistakes, and you know what, maybe one day he will kick himself for leaving his baby girl.. but right now Leigh.. right now he's sitting down in that NICU, holding her, being there for her.. loving her. Don't let his choices paint him as the villain in your daughter's story. He loves her very much.. and you're both so young Leigh. It's scary.. I know it's scary.. but you're not alone. That's your true fear isn't it Leighton? Being alone?" She asked and I nodded slowly. "Don't let him cloud your vision. You and I both know you're not alone" She gave me a look and I let out a breathy laugh, nodding as I continued to clean up the stray tears.

"It takes a village.. right?" I joked, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"And you've got one hell of a village Leighton"

* * * *

Written on: June 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th 2022

Word Count: 5272

Part Forty Three - final part

#colbybrock #samgolbach #samandcolby #colby brock fanfic #colbybrockimagine #wattpad #katrina stuart

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smollobsession · 7 months

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Talking to a friend and realized that time is something that can be so personal :D for me, a year is september - september, because of my work. for my dad, a year is two years, because he usually does one month on one month off when working, so he doesn't properly count the time he works. i'm sure other people have different definitions of their time. it's pretty cool. :)

my ptsd is struggling a little with what's happening in palestine but i think i'm managing to keep a good balance of doing what i can and staying healthy. times like this tho, i truly understand why i have that deadpool tattoo. the rage inside me burns. but i'm so powerless. and both countries i'm associated with voted not to help palestine which ... where is your heart. oh that's right, in your wallet.

i've been cleaning... a good amount. my therapist asked if that's my measure of how well i'm doing and yes :D the floors are still dirty, but i feel like they'll get their turn soon! :D

i put the plants down from the loft, so now all that's left there is to remove the linens and was them. and then maybe... i'll sleep in my bed again? ................. idk that seems like a november me problem.

this month will be the first month i get a full salary since june, and yeah putting it like that i can see the problem ><

fandom-wise it's been uneventful, my mind has mostly been elsewhere, tho i have been reading.

mostly right now i'm waiting for things.

friday i have an appointment with the hygienist :/ i hope she doesn't call me out on my bs, i just can't deal with it now. i'm also hoping to be paid by then so i can continue my korean lessons. still online, everything i saw locally has been too expensive. but i do need to start writing in korean again too.

the thing is, there is yet again 30 things i want to do but i don't know how much i should overwhelm myself. and a part of me is still not quite there yet. it's such a weird place to be in, mentally.

oh and clocks have changed :( boo

also this friday: skz flix is coming! and then the week after the new album! excited about both :)

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bokksu-vs-sakuraco · 8 months

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Bokksu vs. Sakuraco Comparison #1: Moon Festival

Now that we're two boxes in, it seems like a good time to directly compare the two services beyond what we found in our initial research. This month was especially applicable, since both Bokksu and Sakuraco chose to take on the same theme: the Autumn Moon Festival.

We will be comparing their snack selection, approach to theme, amount of food, and cultural guide. We recommend reading our box reviews first you know what contents we are comparing.

This is a transcribed phone conversation between June and Glissando, edited and formatted for clarity and content relevancy.

SNACK SELECTION: APPROACH TO THEME

JUNE: Sakuraco’s Moon Festival-themed box was very fun look at. There were a lot of rabbit designs, referencing the folktale about the Moon Rabbit. However, while the snacks designs were very cute and interesting, the natural flavors that were behind them were a little bit more standard. For example, you know, the regular vanilla cookie, which was good but just a vanilla cookie, or like the marshmallow with strawberry filling. Sure, it's cute but there isn’t really anything special about the taste for me. The flavors didn’t really scream Moon Festival; that was mostly in the designs. Not to mention it was such an overwhelmingly sweet box.

GLISS: Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, looking at your photos, the bunny stuff was all really cute, but if the snack itself is all kind of candy-ish stuff, it's not as interesting to eat.

Sakuraco snacks: marshmallow with filling, candy chews

JUNE: Yeah, the one thing I guess I liked a lot was the jelly because it did more with the flavors, really leaning into the taste of—well it was pear for me, not peach. [Note: Sakuraco sent June next month’s adzuki pear jelly in her September box, as pointed out by @/tsukana] But I felt that even being really cute, the jelly was still something that when I tasted it, I definitely knew ‘Oh, yeah. I wouldn't be able to get this taste by just going to an American grocery store.’ It was really good.

GLISS: Yeah, that's pretty cool. And you get to have it again this month!

JUNE: Oh yeah, looking forward to that.

GLISS: Is that all you have to say about the Sakuraco snack selections for the moon theme?

JUNE: If we're gonna be ignoring that one random danish in there?

GLISS: Haha right, yeah. So Bokksu’s approach to theme snacks…

It felt like they went the opposite direction of Sakuraco, in that they tried really hard to stick to an autumn profile with the flavors and had almost no decorative stuff. Instead they tried to relate each flavor back to autumn. They had three sweet potato snacks in there, which is the whole ‘sweet potatoes are offered to the moon’ kind of deal. Truffle chips for truffle season. etc. So that was good, I guess in the sense that you could really taste the autumn theme, and there was a decent variety in snack types.

That said, I think still they could have gone more into their own flavor descriptions. As I said in my blog, they said autumn has persimmons and chestnuts and all these different other harvest flavors, and instead they gave us lime and orange. That made some of their choices feel a bit scattered even though they did a decent attempt to tie it all together through the culture book descriptions. But really, I think the variety of flavors was all right, even though this was also a very sweet box. Like 75% sweet versus savory, same as Sakuraco. I feel like autumn is more savory than sweet sometimes, so it was surprising to me that we both got really sweet boxes.

JUNE: Right. Now, so far, the savory snacks have been a little bit more interesting. So it would be nice if they include more in the future instead of giving like a normal cookie (Sakuraco) or pound cake (Bokksu).

One thing that I like that we noticed is that both boxes use the same mochi.

GLISS: Oh my gosh, yeah, when I saw your photos I was like ‘that's the exact same box with the same six black sesame mochi in there!’ I mean, obviously it's not like they consult each other on what snacks they're going to use, but I wasn't even sure what made that flavor of mochi so specific to this theme.

[Note: Mochi itself is a traditional snack to eat while gazing upon the moon and it is a reference to the rabbit pounding mochi on the moon.]

—

DAGASHI VS. WAGASHI

GLISS: So Bokksu is known for having more dagashi, but this time, they did have a few wagashi in there with the kintsuba and the senbei that tasted like the Japanese hot dog bun. Given the historical festival theme, that was a good opportunity to introduce wagashi. But with the wagashi that they used to approach the theme, I think they didn't commit to it well enough that I was like ‘oh, this is culturally immersive.’ I’m still mildly pressed about them not giving us more background on the kintsuba since we ended up eating it like a piece of fudge.

Bokksu snacks: Kintsuba, edamame chips, and chocolate bites

On the other hand, the dagashi, we had truffle chips and edamame crackers that you would have like at a bar, along with wafers and this chocolate pie thing that were all very good. So it was a very thought out way of using dagashi in a modern approach to a traditional theme. In that sense, I liked the dagashi more because if you’re not gonna sell me on the wagashi, it makes it harder for me to get into the snack.

What about your feelings about the wagashi you got?

JUNE: Just off the top of my head, I feel like maybe the previous box had more wagashi in it? (We can probably do a more in depth analysis of snack type distribution later on.) Although from this box, the jelly, arare and mochi are all up there in my enjoyment.

Oh, slightly off topic but Sakuraco does surprise snacks in the booklet with a QR code to scan to see what this month's possible pairings are, which adds a certain element of surprise even if you like to peek ahead for what you might get in the box. But at the same time, my surprise snack this month was one of the salty snacks. So if I hadn’t gotten that salty snack, I would have only had two salty snacks in a whole box of sweets.

GLISS: Oh yeah, that would have been a bummer. And I wonder if that's part of like, the commitment to trying to make more of these cute rabbit things so they leaned in more into the visual themes rather than a diverse food theme.

JUNE: For sure, I could buy that. It definitely makes the box itself a bit more memorable because of all the cute rabbits though.

Sakuraco September 2023 Box Contents

JUNE: Oh but Glissando, as someone who is Asian, would you say you’re someone who frequently visits Asian supermarkets?

GLISS: I wouldn’t say frequently. My family makes that trip like 5-6 times a year.

JUNE: Okay well every now and then I seem to spot someone saying that Bokksu’s or Sakuraco’s snacks can be bought at the Asian supermarket. Do you have any thoughts on that?

GLISS: I can check it out specifically next time but seriously? I feel like people who say that must live right next door to an Asian supermarket or somewhere with a decently sized East Asian population. I live in the midwest and it’s an hour-and-a-half drive to any large Asian market here. So even if I did want Japanese dagashi, no it wouldn’t be more worth my time to curate those snacks myself.

JUNE: No. Yeah no, that’s a good point. I’m on the east coast and even then I think I’ve only seen Asian grocery stores in major cities only.

GLISS: I’ve also yet to see anything that’s an obvious exact replica of what I’ve seen from my area’s large grocery stores. We tend to favor Chinese, Vietnamese, and Korean communities so I’d be surprised if we did carry smaller Japanese brands. It’s great if you can find those Bokksu snacks near you, but for a lot of people, I don’t think that’s a viable option.

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TEA PAIRING

GLISS: I think the tea wasn't that big a deal for you this time. But for me, I was like…

JUNE: You had a full half a cup to share.

GLISS: Right!? I was so bewildered by the tea they gave, and my friend is a tea enthusiast: she was like ‘this seems weird’ about the instructions, especially steeping for 30 seconds. Then only making a half cup so we ran out after a couple sips… It was just the most bizarre kind of tea guidance to begin with, and the fact that they only included one bag—

I can't get over the fact that next month's Bokksu theme is tea ceremony. I'm going to judge them really hard. I looked ahead on their contents this time, and it's all snacks that pair well with tea so if we run out of tea pairing, I'm gonna be pissed.

—

IDEAL SNACKING EXPERIENCE

JUNE: I recall both times you saying you were ‘close to bursting’ after finishing the box with your friend.

GLISS: Oh yeah. We were so full this time, and we still had leftovers.… We're talking about splitting up the snacks for next time, and we'll see how that goes. I think I might add a new experience, but at the same time, I don't want to get stuck in a situation where we don't like the snacks the second round and feel embittered about it.

JUNE: I see. What about a different experience? For example, if there was someone else who just wanted to have the snacks on their own, and they would just have like one snack like a day or something. Do you think there'd be a significant difference in their enjoyment of the box?

GLISS: I do think so because that’s what I ended up doing with the Bokksu sweets box, I just picked it off one at a time. And the result was the ones that you don't really like, that sticks in your mind, honestly, and if there's two of them, you feel like, ‘oh, I don't really want to go back and have that one again.’ So if you're eating alone, there's that problem. And then when there are two good ones, then you polish them off pretty quickly.

Bokksu October 2023 Box Contents (it arrived in September though...)

It would also make the theme feel less comprehensive as well. If I just had like the maple pancake for breakfast one day, then it would not have felt like autumn at all.

JUNE: That’s actually a good point.

GLISS: Yeah, so I think some of these snacks are meant to be looked at as a whole. And it does change the experience if you don't have them that way, though there's nothing wrong with picking out what snacks you like. But at that point, it does feel like you could go and buy the snacks you want specifically from an online store or something.

What about you? You did eat part of your last box sporadically.

JUNE: I agree with what you're saying. Like when you have a snack that’s mid then you eat it and you're like, ‘well okay’ versus when you have something that's really good and you eat it you're like, ‘that's it? well it’s gone now.’ Whereas if you're sitting at a tea party and you finish something, then you can just move onto something else and it doesn't really stick as much in your mind, whether there was only a little bit or whether it was just ok because right afterwards you're moving on to another thing.

GLISS: Yeah, that's exactly the feeling. So for the snack boxes in general, make an event of it. We recommend that!

JUNE: If you don't want to eat the entire box or half of the box at once, then I still think choosing maybe like three or so snacks would be a lot better than just grabbing only one. Up to personal preference though.

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AMOUNT OF FOOD VS. HOUSEHOLD ITEM

GLISS: For you, the Sakuraco amount of food… you mentioned that it was not enough.

JUNE: It only became noticeable for me when I was eating the peanut arare. The picture that I put in the blog was like all the food they gave, it's like half a cup. It was so good that I ate the entire bowl and then there’s just no more and I genuinely wanted more. Like we were saying earlier, I don't really care when the snack doesn't leave an impact on me but when I do like it, it's very noticeable.

But overall the amount of food, at least for me and my mom having this as breakfast, we didn't really eat everything either, but I wouldn't say that we were stuffed to bursting after just one sitting. So that's why I'm feeling that maybe Bokksu has a bit more food. It's kinda hard for us to tell though, right?

GLISS: Yeah, well, this time Bokksu did have more snacks in terms of just raw numbers. [Note: Bokksu 15 unique snacks vs. Sakuraco 12 unique snacks] So that's also part of it because I don't have the household item. Do you feel like having that household item is enhancing your experience?

JUNE: I think it is because for me, a household item was a pretty big draw. As long as they were quality items, it kind of means that there's something of the box left over even after you finish it—well aside from the box itself. And I do like when Sakurako makes custom box designs because you know, it just looks unique. And you can display it somewhere and look back on all these different themes. I just like it.

GLISS: Yeah, I like it too. Like I think it's fun and it's good to hear that the dish is of good quality.

[Note: It seems that Sakuraco ran out of rabbit dish plates during this box and had to substitute in the plate they used for last year’s Moon Festival box]

JUNE: Next box though we can start paying attention to and comparing the grams of food we get. I’m slightly curious now, since it’s hard to really gauge the difference in quantity of food just talking about it.

—

COMPARING CULTURE GUIDES

GLISS: With the Bokksu guide, it's really very simple. I think one of the complaints I saw about Bokksu in other reviews is that Bokksu has a much less immersive experience in Japanese culture and stuff, if that's what you're getting into the snack boxes for. I’m not but like it’s something to keep in mind.

Last time, the first culture book guide for Seasons of Japan didn't really have anything cultural; it was more an introduction to Bokksu itself. So this was the first time I was reading their monthly cultural guide. It started with a ‘let’s learn Japanese’ intro which just has four words related to the theme with the kanji, hiragana, and the romanji written on the sides. Then it had two pages at the end about the Tsukimi festival and it was like four different fun facts that were like a couple sentences each.

Bokksu relevant culture guide pages

My friend and I, we just kind of flipped through that like, ‘oh, the rabbit on the moon. What do you mean you can see a rabbit on the moon?’ and we'd Google that. But honestly, the guide itself didn't really invite you to look much deeper. So it wasn't much of a guide. It was just like a fun facts style, you know?

JUNE: Yeah I got you. I feel like Sakuraco was better about actually providing more cultural information in their booklet, let me go grab it. …Ok yeah, I’m seeing about three pages about the moon festival, four pages of snack producer spotlight, two pages about the moon rabbit folktale, eight pages about the snacks themselves, a page about dango, the QR code page and then some Sakuraco community stuff. So I appreciate that Sakuraco gives a lot more cultural information about the theme and the snacks.

—

This concludes our thoughts for now!

Nearing the half way point of our 6-month subscriptions, we’re still very excited to see what each service has in store, especially for the holiday season! Our next direct comparison blog will likely be in 2~3 months, or when their themes next line up.

Thank you for reading!

— June & Glissando

#versus review #japanese food #japanese snacks #bokksu #sakuraco

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safereturndoubtful · 10 months

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Lerwick - Kirkwall - Stromness - Scrabster

Tuesday 15th August (Day 54)

I hadn’t expected much, but the last trek of this course on Shetland, the Ness of Sound, was excellent. The car park I had used is only half a mile from Lerwick town and yet completely quiet, and though it attracts a few walkers and joggers in the daytime, there was no one around from evening onwards.

The day was also a warm and sunny one for Shetland, the first day at 16C since June, when I even went swimming a few times. The hike finished at Lerwick’s beach, and it was busy, notably with school-aged children who return to school tomorrow. A last hurrah. I can’t think of many kids around the world who would swim and enjoy the beach in just regular costumes, not wet suits, at 16C.

Prior to that the arrow-shaped headland of the Sound of Ness has decent sized cliffs, of 30 to 40 metres, with the ocean waves crashing in and a backdrop of blue sky with the overnight mist clearing.

The ferry left at 5 pm and arrived in Orkney, to Kirkwall, at 11 pm. It then continues with most of its passengers, to Aberdeen. Every other day it goes direct, without an Orkney call-in.

The seas were calm, and I got through a mixture of work and reading, the only EL Doctorow novel I haven’t read, his novel of the American Civil War, The March (all of his books are tremendous).

At Kirkwall, with Orkney shrouded in mist, I drove across the island to Stromness, and it’s coastline just beyond that, where I knew of a good place to park-up from my visit a couple of years ago. Similar to where I was in the morning at Ness or Sound, this coast was heavily defended in World War II and the there are the remains of shelters and gun emplacements.

After an hour out in the morning, we continued the journey to the Scottish mainland with the Stromness to Scrabster ferry, just 90 minutes, and one which for some reason, Roja is allowed on the main decks. He befriended a chocolate Labrador which was travelling with two poodles, and the four of them just slept in a big heap together, while I continued with Doctorow.

My LPG has lasted, I’m sure readers will be delighted to hear. I filled up at the first chance, which was near Brora. The tank took 5.4 litres, which indicates I had 1.3 litres left, probably about 10 days at the rate I was using it. So my cooking and kettle, 3 or 4 kettles a day, and evening meal, cost about £5 for 60 days since I last filled up.

Tonight I’m at Glen Devon, near the town of Dollar. I had chosen here as it seems a good place to stop, and also has good hiking. The rain was heavy when we arrived though, so the walk was a short one.

There’s an immediate shock of course for the amount or people around generally, and the busy roads of the North Coast 500 packed with campervans, having seen so few for the last 8 weeks. Also, the ability to stop pretty much anywhere you want, and not just stop, be made welcome also. Glen Devon, close to Gleneagles, is on estate land, and most car parks have signs that forbid overnight stays. On a B road up a hill I found one that didn’t.. but Shetland this isn’t.

I’ll be in Cumbria tomorrow for a few days with friends. The van is in for a new timing belt, and I’ve some other things to sort. The next post is likely to be at the weekend.

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importanttheoristparadise · 11 months

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Non-Profit for People in Need of Spine Surgery- Luca Scorziello

One non-profit that is meaningful to me is SpineHope. SpineHope has headquarters in Austin, Texas. SpineHope’s goals are to “help correct spinal deformities to improve quality of life, alleviate pain and, when possible, prevent paralysis.”https://scoliosistexas.com/about_us/spinehope.html SpineHope is meaningful to me because about two years ago I had to get surgery due to having scoliosis and kyphosis, and also to prevent back pain in the future. The surgery was a long process and I was in the hospital for about six days after the operation. Once I recovered and was back home, I made a post on my instagram about the surgery in order to raise money for SpineHope to help other people pay for the surgery in the future. SpineHope is active on facebook, instagram, twitter, linkedin, vimeo, and youtube. SpineHope doesn’t have too many followers on any of their platforms. I think part of the reason why they don’t have so many followers is because they are a lesser known organization. When people think of an organization to donate to, SpineHope likely won’t be the first to come to mind because most people don’t have spine issues.

I first analyzed SpineHope’s facebook account https://www.facebook.com/SpineHope, since that's where they have the most followers. Their facebook account has 5.4k followers, which I think is a pretty good amount for a lesser known organization. Based on the posts I saw on their facebook, the amount of likes on their posts ranges anywhere from 7 likes to 216 likes. One thing I noticed on their facebook is that a lot of their posts don’t have too many comments. If SpineHope promotes it’s facebook on some of its other social media accounts, then they could get more comments on their facebook posts, which could help with their channel metrics. SpineHope’s most recent post is from June 30th, 2023, and it has a link to a youtube video on their account https://youtu.be/IUXaThJr11c promoting body positivity. The post itself has only 7 likes, 1 comment, and 1 share. Even though this post didn’t get too many views, youtube videos in general are a great way for SpineHope and other organizations to promote their content. Videos provide more information than a picture, because in a video you can learn lots of important facts about a topic, whereas a picture only gives you a small amount of information.

I didn’t see too many videos on SpineHopes facebook account. So, my suggestion for their account would be to include more videos. According to https://www.searchenginejournal.com/, “more than 100 million hours of video are watched on facebook daily- a platform with over 2.9 billion users.” Using videos is a good way to make more content on facebook because you can watch longer videos on a platform like facebook compared to a platform like twitter, which mainly has shorter videos or GIFs.

After analyzing SpineHope’s facebook, I then analyzed their Instagram account https://www.instagram.com/spinehope/, which has 936 followers. On their instagram, the amount of likes ranges from 20 at the least, to 89 at the most from the posts I saw. The posts that get the most likes seem to be the posts about a surgery they performed. Their most recent instagram post is from June 30th, 2023, and the post is about the same video mentioned earlier. On instagram, this post has 21 likes, which tells me they might have more active followers on instagram. My suggestion for SpineHopes instagram would be to post stories. Posting stories is a way they can use the behavioral metric, because stories are a feature on instagram that they can use and see how they affect their instagram account and the viewers of their account. They don’t currently have any stories on their account, and stories are a good way to inform more people about their organization. Overall, SpineHope is a very helpful organization for people looking to get spine surgery, or anyone who wants to help people afford it.

#SpineHope #SocialMediaMetrics #Instagram #Facebook #SocialListening

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keefwho · 1 year

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June 06 - 2023 Tuesday

7:44 AM

It’s time to plan new activities but frankly I do not know what to do with myself. I need to take in some new information, I think I’ve been getting reverby. Or I need to try something drastic because I feel like I’ve only been getting worse. But the mental pathways that cause all my problems are incredibly complex and ever changing, it’s very hard to keep track of them. I do know that for awhile I felt pretty okay aside from my intense anxiety but lately I’ve lost myself as a person. I think it could have something to do with how I suppress my emotions, as much as I liked to proclaim that I had become more expressive ever since last June. I keep a lot of myself in because I feel like I would push others away or otherwise be unaccepted. And my low self worth makes me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren’t valid compared to other people’s. Maybe the next week could be about trying to express myself more and I’d also like to re-read my ACT book and try to pick those ideas up again.

Other than that I want to give the thinking a break because I’ve been doing too much of it. This is why I delegated Tuesday’s to being the time I can go wild theorizing about what I can do better and why I am the way that I am. If I do it all the time then I miss out on living life. The actions I plan on Tuesday should be helping me throughout the week so I don’t HAVE to think about things so deeply. I should trust in my own system and stick to it.

Every day starting tomorrow I’m going to read one of the main 6 chapters in the act book. I will also find a way to be expressive in anything that I do and schedule maybe 30 minutes a day to make sure I’m doing it at least a little bit.

I feel like something big needs to change in myself to get myself back on track. I hate feeling how I do right now. I don’t like feeling like I could lose everything in an instant all due to how fucked up I am. I think I’d need to change a lot of core behaviors but I’d need to identify them first and figure out how I could do things in a more constructive way. Part of being expressive will be trying to write my journal entries at the end of the day like the things I do actually matter. Sometimes I omit information because of how useless it is even though it was clearly important enough to be on my mind. Some of the things I find interesting I don’t think are interesting to other people or even enough so to be stated in private. I want to treat myself with more respect and let myself be known. I am valid.

8:13 AM

It’s too easy to convince myself I’m unwanted and therefore should not be taking up space. I base my value off of the perceived value others give me but not only are my appraisals usually wrong, I also shouldn’t tie my value to that.

I remember how useful it was to realize that my thoughts and feelings are inside me and not representative of reality. But I’m finding it very hard to do that again. It’s like I’m stuck in my own skull. Almost like I enjoy being here. It’s easier to stay down than to pick myself up. But if I stay like this then I will never be happy and I WILL lose the good things I have. Good things take work and upkeep. Nothing is ever easy. But thats what makes them good things.

10:51 PM

Time to write a journal entry like I’m valid, even if I don’t feel like it. Everything I do is important to me. It was my first day waking up at 7am. I ate corned beef hash with eggs and toast, and an entire small onion mixed into it. I started cooking late so I was a little late to streaming which turned out okay because I finished the commission early. I feel like I could have done better on this commission for Goodtimes and I wish I did. The problem was that he wanted a color scheme and lighting that I really hate so it’s hard to do well. I can’t actually tell when it looks “good” but he seemed to like it. Also the amount of time I put in seemed a bit low and I hope that doesn’t mean I unintentionally rushed it. After stream I cleaned my bathroom floor and toilet. I caught another mouse which was very cute, something about it was cuter than others. Maybe it was the way it tried sticking it’s nose out of the trap holes. It didn’t act as afraid, it acted curious like when I had pet mice that would come to the walls of the cage. It even got me considering cleaning out my old fish tank so I could keep the mouse. I also looked on Amazon for some new potential habitats. In the end I determined I don’t want to spend money and I don’t have room to put the fish tank. I also don’t want to deal with cleaning it or anything and I don’t know how cruel it is to keep a wild mouse alone. The last one I kept seemingly died of loneliness. The mouse is still currently in the trap and I think it actually died which is weird since it’s only been in there today. After my shower I made a little pizza for lunch with some of my own pepperoni and cheese added. Keeping up with the theme lately, I hung out in David’s server while I did my remaining work. I’m not feeling very confident there, I don’t relate to anyone very much. Lowkey the group calls are annoying. I kinda only wanna talk to David but everyone else swarms him since he’s like their leader. He’s expressed interest in better one on one time though, I think he might be bothered by the swarming. I wouldn’t know though and I don’t know how long it’s been going on. I’m starting to make assumptions so I’ll stop. After that I did some drawing on my own, I drew quite a lot today. I started a few things I’m excited about like my horse sona and a glory hole pic that is looking real good. Also a secret little something to go with another letter I’m going to send out as soon as possible to a certain someone. I took a break with TOTK at some point and then Daisy and I watched 2 of the new MLP gen 5 episodes. It got me really inspired to draw more ponies, I love the designs of some of them. Part of me wants to get back on brand and draw things based on the episodes. In classic fashion I want to draw some mildly brutal content, I’ve always been drawn to producing it. I like capturing something that can spark feelings of empathy, or like the feeling you get when looking at a crying puppy or something. In some way I also enjoy the kinds of people that get upset over it, they are fun to watch. But I also want to make some wholesome content because just like before, I’m not a perv for the show. It brings me true joy and comfort and I love getting invested in the world and characters. The reason I draw anything at all for it is because I love it so much.

I forgot to read my previous entries today so I’ll try to remember to do that tomorrow morning.

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