#this is the first thing i've finished for a few weeks but yknow what. have it

[crystal-verse]

There exists a vast amount of knowledge, within the Crystal Tower. A vast amount of Allagan clothing, artifacts, and other such things. You're not quite sure where you fit in among them, but -- surely you have a place here, somewhere? (The Crystal Tower is full of Allagan things. By some measure, you're also Allagan. What, then, makes you think that you do not belong?)

or: a silly oneshot that turned into a g'raha character study, because i cannot stop thinking about ARR g'raha

[hackedmotionsensors]

I went to library con (lol its not called library con but thats what i called it. Its American Library Association Annual which is funny bc they call it ALA and I was like...that shitty anime con???) this week in san diego to promote the comic I worked with Terry on "Eat your Heart Out"

I got jumpscared seeing the big banner. My art has never been on anything bigger than art center presentations lmao

We handed out signed copies and it was honestly pretty fun. I have a ton of bookmarks as well if anyone wants one.....if you can find me in real life LMAO

I also got to be on a PANEL like a big professional lmao And met Josie Campbell an animation brethren and we were like "LETS GO TAG! LETS GET THOSE NEGOTIATIONS!!!!" (Reminder that The Animation Guild is due to negotiate with studios in August so please support us!!!)

Downside was is that some of my sunburns are still really fresh (most of them are in gross peeling stage and some are...kinda painful) so I was a bit sweaty and uncomfortable...and now I'm paying for it bc i feel really under the weather.

BUT. lol my issues aside (it was my own damned fault getting burned the weekend before)

It was really fun!

Librarians are really cool lol Especially since I tried to get into that field during my unemployment last year and a half it was interesting hearing what they had to deal with as Librarians for children or teens (The teen librarians kept talking to me about Slam Dunk and One Piece *u*)

There's also this huge emphasis for book sellers in getting your books IN libraries. Books in actual physical libraries does so much for the value of payments of the book (which in turn pays the authors and artists that work on those books).

And how much librarians and libraries do for the industry as a WHOLE. I learned that back in the day when english manga was coming out they were binding the books REALLY SHITTY and its funny bc I DO remember that. The quality was really bad. And because librarians complained about it, because a book circulates through a lot of people rather than if you buy a volume for yourself, the book will get damaged really fast if the book is made poorly. So Viz had to change HOW they bound their books and you can definitely tell now how the quality is so much nicer.

Anyway it was really cool lol And also since it took place at the San Diego Convention center it was really cool to see what SDCC looks like when its not an absolute cluster fuck of people and noise lol I saw where I slept on the ground outside to get into Hall H and we were treated to a dinner at Roys which I'd only ever seen in passing lol (ALSO ROYS WAS SO EXPENSIVE!?!? And I thought the onigiri was like...the salmon went INTO the onigiri....so that was the dish. but it was...a ball of rice onigiri shaped with some salmon ...and it was REALLY good salmon and the misoyaki was good too but.....i was expecting really expensive onigiri and was oddly disappointed it wasn't....that.......anyway)

ANYWAY ANYWAY lmao. Our comic comes out in August 13! I've finally seen the finished product and it came out so well. Yknow that thing where you see your art from a few years ago and you want to crawl into a hole and die? Well lol I still feel that but also I don't because it honestly looks so good and its nice seeing it all in one whole place! The coloring came out really nice ! And I can't wait to see what Claudia did in the second half of the book

Oh yeah I also got a comped train ticket to get me down there and I got to ride the Amtrak which was pretty cool! I ...was EXHAUSTED on both trips down and back so I slept most of the way lmao But look at this guy!

Lol ALTHO I was genuinely surprised that when we came back from san diego the train just goes in reverse.

On shinkansen the seats on the train are able to turn around so you're always facing forwards. So it was a little disorienting at first. I also wished I had an ekiben on the way down.

Its cool I can get an ekiben in august when i go to japan lmao

[mlmxreader]

On A Break

okay, so, it's been a few days since I've been away, and I'm gonna explain as best as I can whilst also trying to prevent certain types from jumping down my fucking throat over it. I've tried breaking it up as much as I can for the sake of accessibility, but if it isn't perfect, then I do apologise and will fix any issues.

First

Disheartened & Unsure

So, like, part of the reason why I'm taking a break at the moment is because, quite honestly, I'm disheartened. Every time I log onto this app and I check my inbox, it's the same old story: a few requests and maybe, like, one decent person who's actually given me any interaction on my fics. (and that's if I'm lucky!) It's starting to feel like a massive waste of time, if I'm honest.

I hate coming on here and immediately thinking "well, that's shit" and then feeling like shit myself. I hate looking at my fics & my prompt lists (all stuff I do NOT get paid to post, btw! I do it in my own free time!) and then feeling like they're not good enough, which means I'm not good enough.

I mean, for fuck's sake, I set up a poll to ask my readers if they wanted to have a day where nothing but smut was posted - they said yes, and I was SO EXCITED. Until two weeks later, when the novelty wore off and no one had requested anything since the first time.

I make prompt lists so that people don't HAVE to think out fully detailed fics to request, I make them long and with different types of prompts so that people can pick and choose, mix and match - people stopped requesting by August, even when I made a new one and reblogged it as much as possible so that those with timezone differences can have a chance.

It's disheartening.

As it stands, I'm still very disheartened. Like, incredibly so, and I don't really wanna come back except to bang out the six (6) requests I have in my inbox atm. And that'll, at max, take me a day or two to get thru and finish off - so, then what?

I mean, the only reason I have this blog is to take & posts requests and to, yknow, actually interact w people who enjoy them - if I'm not getting that, why should I stick around? What is my purpose for being here and for logging on?

Second

"Write For Yourself" Discourse

It's bullshit. I'm sick of hearing it time and time again when I explain that, actually, I already DO! I've written just as many fics for myself as what I post on here - I just don't SHARE many of them. So, if I WANTED to, I could easily keep everything to & for my eyes and maybe the eyes of a few trusted friends.

Which would then mean that this blog becomes, frankly, redundant. I'm tired and sick of the discourse whenever I fucking say this. I'm not explaining it any more - if people don't request & don't interact, then my blog will not exist. It's that simple.

Call me ungrateful, call me a bastard, I don't care. Those are my reasons, and I reserve the right to not say anything further about the topic. Bring this discourse into my inbox, and I'm pressing the block button.

Third

Undetermined Time for a Break

I'll be honest: I'm not sure how long I'll be on a break for. I'll post writing if it gets requested, but I'm not promising anything & I'm not remaking a new prompt list.

I just don't have it in me anymore, and frankly, I'm tired of feeling like shit whenever I log on & look at how things are going.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. So I'm taking a step back - ofc I'll check in occasionally (like I did today), see what's happening. But my presence is going to be heavily minimalised until the time comes when I feel like I'm, basically, appreciated and WANTED enough to make a full come back.

[kalypartemis]

Fun fandom answer

It's been a long time since I've filled out one of these things so since @fishylife tagged me in one recently, I decided to fill it out <3

3 Ships You Like: It's always changing and be warned before you read further that, while I keep it separate, I do consume/write rpf and will be including that in this answer - my #1 right now is xiuhun(Xiumin/Sehun) (ʃƪ ˘ ³˘). I was and still am a huge Promnis (Prompto/Ignis) fan. And uhhhh..... lets throw it old school. I adore Duo/Wufei from Gundam Wing. In conclusion, I was destined to be a rarepair shipper.

First Ship Ever: Honestly, I'm not sure if I remember my true first active ship? I'mma go with Max and Tyson from beyblade. But if we're going with my first ship I actively sought out and consumed fic for, I believe it was Nicol and Athrun from Gundam Seed.

Last Song You Heard: Currently listening to Moonbyul's new album, on Dark Romance as I type this sentence

Favourite Childhood Book: I think, based on my age, we can take an educated guess as to what series I loved. And while I'd never revise history and deny it, I'm going go with another book I really loved and still own a copy of - Silverwing by Kenneth Oppel

Currently Reading: I actually just finished No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai and I've yet to decide what to start next. It's a tossup between Heart of the Sun Warrior by Sue Lynn Tan and Ithaca by Claire North. Maybe someone wants to help me decide? :3

Currently Watching: Jumping around 5 different shows as always tbh. However, for the past few days it's been another watch of Bob's Burgers. I've been suffering maybe the worst anxiety dread I've ever experienced and it's always been the best show to keep me from spiralling into a panic attack.

Currently Consuming: Coffee coffee coffee. (well, and apple juice. Yknow the saying - one for energy, one for hydration, one for fun/taste)

Currently Craving: All the food I've looked up over the last few days..... I'm traveling to Toronto this week for the Stardew Orchestra and, even though I already have a bunch of places saved, I've been looking into a bunch of restaurants I want to try. I'm going to have to be rolled back onto the plane. Not going to tag anyone as I'm not even sure who to tag, so if you want to do this please steal it from me~~ I tag everyone <3333

[itsevanffs]

Fic Writer Wrapped - 2022

I got tagged by duplicity, metalomagnetic and possibly a few others (I'm really shit at remembering, apologies) so thanks for that here is my contribution, um, almost 2 weeks late.

How many stories did you complete?

Same as last year. No stories really completed, just oneshots posted, of which there were 5 this year.

What is your total word count for the year?

I actually update my spreadsheet about once every two months(?) so I can tell you pretty much the exact number, give me a minute:

139797 words. So. 140k. Of which you have seen... possibly 30k?

It's actually more than my usual just 100k average, which I wasn't expecting? I was actually expecting less. Probably because I haven't been super satisfied with my writing; but I think the weekly livewrites in my server definitely added to that count, so I'll be keeping those going.

What fandoms did you write in this year?

Just the one, I think. Harry Potter by Hatsune Miku. If I wrote anything else (outside original things) I definitely didn't post it.

Did you write more, less, or roughly about what you expected?

I don't set expectations for myself, really? I don't have a set goal for words, because my writing is vibes-based. (It's why it's so good /lh). Considering I almost wrote 1.5 times my usual, though, I knocked it out of the park with this year.

What's your favourite story of this year?

Definitely At the expense of the world. I love writing gritty, horrible stuff in a refreshing way, kind of like eating raw cockles and getting a bit of shell between your teeth, yknow? It's incredible, and the taste is still super fresh. I dunno how to describe it, but there's a reason I pumped out, what, fifteen thousand words in 2 weeks? That's a lot, especially for me.

What is your most underappreciated story of the year?

I'll confess I don't look at the stats much, not for any particular reason, but I just forget. As it stands with vibes, however, probably, hmm... Well, I didn't really start anything that could be considered 'underappreciated', because I think if it reaches the people it's meant to I'm happy. I think if one person (even if that were just me) takes joy and meaning in my work it's about as appreciated as it could be. One piece I'm especially proud of (even though it is pretty much a remix of the work I listed as inspiration) is Rot, on which the author of the original work complimented my prose :D I was very flattered.

Biggest fanfic-related disappointment of 2022?

Good question. I think it's that I've kind of lost interest in ITD, even though I still hold love for it. It's just become very hard to work on. I'm hoping I'll somehow manage to wrestle my way through it, but as it stands I think I'm gonna have to rework a lot of chapters. We'll see.

Biggest fanfic-related surprise of 2022?

Becoming friends with toast and metalo, two writers who I deeply admire :D I'll be dead honest, it was quite a shock. But I'm super happy and grateful to both of them for being awesome people <3

Something you look forward to working on in 2023?

I really want to push Expense through its first arc this year and finish Anabiosis. I've been getting a lot of encouragement for both, so who knows? Maybe I'll manage it. It'd be nice to definitely finish Anabiosis' main story, because that'll be the first 20k+ fic I'll have ever finished. Like, the first non-one shot. (Even though it was supposed to be a one shot, once upon a time.) I think it'd give me a lot of confidence in my ability to actually finish things.

I don't know of anyone to tag, but if anyone feels inclined, feel free to use me as your excuse to do one too.

[yiifu]

so it's 11.50pm on a Saturday night now and I've just properly finished reading the entirety of mdzs (in english) not including the extras. it feels so surreal and strange, because I'd started the English translations in Jan this year (I read exiled rebel's version) while sometimes reading pdfs of the 7seas one at the same time just to see the differences in translation. I remember blazing through the equivalent of 7seas book 1-3 from Jan to early March. From mid-March to now I took a bit of a break from mdzs to read other things like 2ha (which I'm still reading now), the 2ha manhua and the tgcf manhua. I managed to finish 7seas mdzs vol 4 in mid March too (binge reading sessions before bed, mostly) and then I stopped cos 7seas hadn't released vol 5 yet and I thought I'd just wait. then after a week I decided I couldn't wait that long so I went back to EXR to read what was left of the story until the end (before the extras). Still I took my time with it so the guanyin temple arc took me a few weeks to get through.

but tonight I decided to return to mdzs to finish the guanyin temple arc and that short little bit after that (everyday means everyday, meeting luo qingyang and mianmian, riding off into the sunset while wangxian plays in the distance) and now I'm at the end, also after reading the author's notes. so much effort went into it really and that makes me appreciate the story even more (thank you mxtx for that wonderful mind of yours and for the characters and story you've created!!) I'll probably save the extras to read when I get the digital version of 7seas vol 5 just to participate in the finale mood yknow.. I know 7seas isn't done with mdzs yet there's still the entire manhua to be released which is a whole diff beast but for now the completion of the full English novel merits some special mention at least

and it's like, yeah I'll def grow a little distant from mdzs for a bit while I tour other stories and fandoms and media but everytime I come back to it, to these familiar characters, it feels like coming home. I've consumed this story in so many forms (manhua, donghua, novel, now just left with the audio drama and the untamed) and I've drawn a bunch of fanart of them, even read longfics starring these characters, after a while you just feel like you know them as old friends. and getting to the end of the story and closing the book on these guys, even though it's only temporarily, just feels all sorts of weirdly happy and sad to me now. this story has accompanied me through a holiday trip in dec 2022, through lunch at work, weekends spent reading and watching it, work breaks spent reading it and looking at the wiki and TV tropes page for character info...it's just such a concrete part of my daily memories it really helped me get through this tedious thing called working life

I'm not even saying this to anyone in particular - maybe I'm saying it to the characters and the story - but thank you so much for existing! yall introduced me to the wonderful and heartbreaking world of historical danmei where heroes, magic, gods, ghosts, and everything in between live out fantastical tales of wonder and bravery and resilience and love and so mdzs will always have a special place in my heart for being that first piece of fiction that brought me into these worlds ❤️

[moonlightreddie]

BESTIE! hello!

I saw that you were back online and I had to give you the good news! I am finally in the process of writing my first actual fic! <33 it’s a byler fic but I will admit that I am stealing some stuff from my greatest hits (aka my favorite reddie hcs I sent to you <3) lol

have you gotten around to finishing the last four episodes? I’m surprised you were able to stop when you did, I was so hooked I watched the whole 4th season in one sitting :,)

anyway yeah, I just wanted to lyk bc you’re one of the main reasons I’m even attempting this! your encouragement and support on my silly little drabbles really gave me the push I needed to get out there and write. as much as I love drawing and creating art, I’ve always had an inclination towards writing so, ig what I’m trying to say is thank you! you’re awesome and I love you and I miss you!

Happiest of Halloweens Sunny! <33

-🫀

OMGGGG BESTIE HII I AM SO SORRY ;-; I SAW THIS ASK WAY BACK WHEN YOU FIRST SENT IT BUT THEN I WENT ON MY BREAK AND WHEN I CAME BACK I FORGOT TO REPLY BECAUSE I DONT GET MANY ASKS ON THIS ACC SO I FORGOT ARHBFAEJRHABFEB IM SORRY!!!!

aaahh how is the fic going?? i'd love to read any snippets you have if you're comfortable!! obvs you don't have to share if you don't want to, but id love to hear about what the fic is of (aka which of your greatest hits you've chosen to include!!)

everyone is gonna be so mad at me for this..... but...... i still haven't finished s4 yet ;-; I KNOW I KNOW ITS TERRIBLE sjhebrks its just that it hasn't felt ??? like the right time to watch it if that makes sense ??? like when i first started s4 i only got a few episodes in before i became very busy with work, which made me very exhausted and when i came home i'd only be in the mood to watch lighthearted things sjafbksjdfa. so then i told myself that i would save it and watch it in the fall, bc yknow ~spooky season~ but then ofc all of october was very busy as well with school this time, so again i didn't have much free time to watch it :[ and now it's almost december ;-; i have been ACHING to watch it, but i've just been wanting to save it for when im in a good mood to watch it, yknow??? so right now im planning to binge it during winter break! i only have 4 more weeks of school so i just need to get through that and then i can watch it :] im very excited!! please bear with me,,, the slowest st watcher in the world,,

and bestie!!! you're going to make me cry!!! i feel so honoured that i've had some sort of part in helping you write this fic :'] but you are already such a great writer, your ideas are just *chefs kiss* and literally every time i see you in my inbox i KNOW im about to read something great, so you should really be proud of YOURSELF!!! you have always had it in you, im glad you were finally able to take the step to start writing your first real fic <3 mwah!

[allsassnoclass]

hi hazel! can i ask 6, 20 and 28? -taylor

@jbhmalumm hi taylor! thank you so much for sending these you are the only reason i started my nano project today!

6. Describe your dream home. ooooo i've been thinking about this a lot because i'm trying my best to save for one but i fear it will never ever happen. anyway my friend and i are going to buy a house together when she moves here and we've been talking a bit but a big thing is that we need at least three bedrooms (one for me, one for her, one for a possible future foster child). we would also like a guest bedroom or a finished basement so we can host friends!!! in an ideal world, i would want a sun room, and i want either a large front room or a specific music room so i can have a grand piano!!!! yknow. if i ever win the lottery or get stupid rich and can afford one. the main bathroom should be blue. the kitchen should be yellow. in general, i don't want white walls anywhere. actually if my friend lets me paint the kitchen cabinets i'm considering copying a different van gogh painting onto each of them because my friend also loves van gogh and that would make the kitchen very fun and unique. i am fully willing to go wild with the paint and some basic carpentry to make this house personalized to the both of us. i would also like a fenced-in back yard so that we can have a dog, and i would like a piece of stained glass somewhere (doesn't need to be a full window, i know lots of houses do little stained glass pieces above the front door or something like that). mostly though i want the house to be full of love <3

20. What is something you’re obsessed with? i am so into cobra kai right now it's kind of ridiculous. like. check-the-tumblr-and-ao3-tags-daily into it. i don't know why. i haven't watched the original karate kid movies. i missed the first two seasons because my family watched it while i was at college. i didn't particularly enjoy seasons 3 and 4 when i caught episodes while my sister and dad were watching, but for some reason i got really into season 5 and now i'm watching from the beginning and have made it into season 3 again. it's a karate soap opera but it's my karate soap opera and all of the teen characters are my children and i absolutely love it despite it's shortcomings and i think that there are so many fascinating things you could say about cycles of violence/abuse and trauma and collateral damage and gang indoctrination and some of the dynamics between the characters make me absolutely crazy. i have started writing 4 fics for it within the past few weeks with many more ideas written down. i want to be a fight choreographer so bad

28. Who is the funniest person you know? ooooo this is actually a really difficult question! possibly the friend who i'm getting a house with lol. she cracks me up because she has a really subtle, dry humor, so her jokes and jabs always catch me off guard a little. also i am delighted by her presence :)

[star-puff]

announcement !

i've been drafting this post in my head for months tbh but i'm just gonna start it off & get straight to the point: i'm leaving tumblr!

well, i (meg, of tumblr user star-puff acclaim) am leaving tumblr, more specifically, haikyuu fic tumblr. this probably does not come as a surprise to a lot of you considering my past activity over the past few months (or lack thereof), but like i said before i'd been thinking about leaving tumblr ever since june of last year. the original plan was to leave at the end of summer 2021 because i'd Assumed i would have finished at least One of my series by then but . but well :") turns out it was more difficult than i thought to meet that deadline :"")

(skip the end of the post to get the important @s and links to where i'll be next :) )

why i'm leaving:

there were a lot of reasons why i wanted to leave back then, and i won't really get into it in This post; i feel like what i felt back then was a common sentiment in the community and digging into that can of worms unwarranted is a bit . yknow, lmao. but if someone is still curious i'll still answer, because to a certain degree what i felt back then is a reason of why i'm leaving Now. the real reason i'm actually leaving though is because i've just lost all motivation for writing haikyuu fic. call it the loss of hyperfixation or me just becoming too busy to write and be online like i used to, or just me being tired of it all, but at some point writing for this blog started to feel less of an outlet and more like an obligation or a chore. it didn't really help that a good chunk of my friends & mutuals on this corner of hqblr had already left and my interaction as a whole was just looking a little ... 🤕, and it didn't really show signs of getting any better with all my time offline either. i'm saying this as objectively as possible, but i feel like there just isn't really a place for me here anymore, at least a place that anyone would really care to visit or stay at anymore, so i'm just going to cut my losses and not overstay my welcome more than i already have :) /gen

what about strawberry marmalade?

i really am sorry for those who were looking forward to seeing me finish strawmarm, but the way things are looking ... </3 i'll probably be uploading all of my long fics over to my ao3 and see if i ever come back to writing and finishing strawmarm, because i really Did have it all planned out,,, but well . you know where we are now :") long story short, strawmarm is discontinued unless i miraculously get hyperfixated on haikyuu and that embarrassingly stupid strawberry man again

okay? what now 🤨🤨:

i'll be leaving this blog up as an archive! i honestly thought about deleting it but after thinking it over i think i'd end up missing and regretting it if i did, so i'm leaving it up for the memories (i'm sentimental and sappy like that ... cringe ik :/). i'll probably leave another post before i leave giving the same links in an easier to read format without all this ... [gestures above] LMAO but you can find my new tumblr @togeqii and my ao3 @/togeqi :) if any mutuals want my discord feel free to ask too!

in any case, this was star-puff's meg!

i'll stay until next week to say my goodbyes and answering any asks that get sent in (if they get sent in 🤕🤕) before i log out of this account for good but yeah! thank you for indulging in my brainrot and word vomit for a year and a half, thank you for those who stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to those who joined along the way. you all really did make me smile through the toughest times <3 thank you to all of my mutuals, those who were stayed Friends On Dash and those who became more than that :) and this is sappy but yuren if you end up reading this, thank you for writing fic that inspired me to make this blog in the first place :) you're a real one for that <3

lots of love, always, even till the end <3

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2800

i started this shit 400 weeks ago.

batshit insane, yknow?

anyway.

i woke up this morning tired still, but in a great mood. as i was taking a shower, i thought to myself, "wow, i woke up in such a good mood. something's gonna hit the fan today."

it did.

i sat down and had a confrontation about religion with my mother. she asked why i stopped going, and i said that for the first time, i realized i could make my own decisions and i could stop doing things i didn't want to do. i didn't want to go to church, so i didn't. there were a lot of things i pointed out to her, like there's a parallel between her telling dad when he says "that's the first i've heard of it" and how that hurts her feelings, when i tell her things that have happened to me and she says "that's not something that happens" that hurts. she said she's never done that. she's done that every time i've talked to her about religion and about why i don't want to go. it ended in me telling her "please don't talk to me about religion anymore. i know this hurts you, but it hurts me more."

she said, "i don't think that's true, because you don't know how much this hurts me."

i replied, "you don't know how much it hurts me."

and i walked out the door.

i headed to joel's. i called a few people on the way.

i called joel to let him know i was on my way, and that i was kind of a mess and completely falling apart. i called andrew, who was the one person i knew would understand, and he told me to breathe, to focus on my breathing. i recognized the feeling of the weight that was sitting on my chest. it's grief. so thanks to his advice i was able to sit with it and stop crying a little bit. i thanked him, and he continued with his day. i called my sister. i told her what happened, about the whole conversation. she pointed out some things, which were very helpful to remember, like not blowing things out of proportion just yet, to understand that mom's just as much of a disaster as all of us, even though it doesn't excuse being shitty and/or gaslighting her kids. she told me that i've always got a place to stay or go if i don't want to go home, and that she's sorry i had to endure that conversation. i told her she'd probably have a better time having that conversation than i would, even though she hasn't really had that conversation with her. ("it's probably because you got out of the house so soon." "i think you're right.") by the time i got to joel's, i was feeling better and laughing at something she said about running a campaign where you're just eight kobolds in a trenchcoat trying to go about a normal day but they're just mental illness characteristics. i said "that sounds hilarious, but that's really just what i go through in any given day."

i stayed with joel for a little bit before we headed out again. he held me and let me cry and tell him about it all and talked to me to keep me calm. it didn't take me too long to not look like i'd been crying for a solid half hour. that was nice.

we headed out to our friend's party, which was actually a lot of fun. it was a surprise party for our friend, who was told it was just a game day, but no, we had cake and cupcakes and brownies and a bunch of food in addition to the games. so i sat and played some games and it was actually really nice to get my mind off of everything for a few hours. before i played the games though i sat and ate a third of an entire ass cake. two-layer 9" cake, vanilla with vanilla frosting, it was really good actually. i ended up learning another person in our greater group of people is also exmo, and suddenly everything makes so much sense. he's kind of the weird uncle but i finally understand why he is the way he is. when i'm with my closest friends, i'm the same way. so that was comforting to learn.

we came back after i finished up my second game when i was tired, and we stopped for gas and i filled my tank, emptied my trash bag, and refilled my wiper fluid. felt good to do something productive.

we got back and joel and i sat in bed and watched the remaining episodes of the book of boba fett. (my phone autocorrected that to "bobs feet." no thanks, bob.) i liked it. remember, just because i like something doesn't mean that it's good. but i liked it.

antsy, it's bedtime and i'm working from home tomorrow and my laptop is at my parents' house, so i'm not entirely looking forward to that, but i have to wash my laundry and pack my shit for a week at joel's.

joel is sleeping soundly beside me. i'm so grateful for him. today more than ever.

[mowisha]

Project # 1: Portfolio Site and Blogsite Theme

Stage 1: Illustrations (09-30-21)

here's a quick timelapse. my photoshop actually failed multiple times when I was doing this vector but eh, everything worked out in the end. I know that I should've Adobe Illustrator and saved it as SVG, but I don't have the application and I'm not familiar with AI that much huhu. PNG will do for now.

Stage 2: Prototype and Layout Design (09-30-21)

Creating the UI Design on Figma. I've been loving the color green lately so I decided to use it as the primary color for my site! Made the prototype for mobile and tablet viewing as well, including dark mode (which i won't be doing btw)

Stage 3: CODING -- HTML (10-04-21)

Got distracted for the next 4 days (smh!) But I started coding the site today. Looking pretty good

Stage 4.0: CSS and Responsiveness -- Header Section (10-05-21)

I implemented using SASS for this site for the first time ever and it made coding the CSS sososososo much easier!

I spent a lot of time making sure that everything looks nice in every size of the screen! Making the page responsive was what took me a lot of time to finish this section because this will be the first time that I was gonna make a responsive website. Turned out okay, I'm kinda proud of it! 💕

Also, ended up using Haikei for the back wavy SVG background. I liked this one better :) Also learned that there was something called aspect-ratio, took me a lot of time to understand this because I didn't search about it lmao. Trial and error for the sizing!

Stage 4.1: Portfolio Section (10-06-21)

I forgot to record the trouble I had with aligning the contents in the 'portfolio' section but I spent a lot of time trying to align them every time I resize the screen. Turns out, I just had to add one line of code haha. You learn something new every day

Ended up not following the prototype for this section. The original plan was for a box to appear every time I hover the image but realized that how will that work on mobile? So I ended up following this tutorial instead!

Stage 4.2: About and Toolbox Section (10-06-21) (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Spent HOURS trying to get this right, I even made a box model to follow but none of it worked lmao. I ended up putting everything on the trash and went to sleep hahaha

(10-07-21) ┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ) -- Ended up using this code from StackOverflow hahaha.

Stage 4.4: Contact and Footer Section (10-12-21)

A/N: Okay I know, I slacked off for the past 5 days before continuing this project but I got a new dog, got vaccinated, enjoyed my last few days in this town, and I've planned what I was gonna do with my life this month since I'm moving back to Baguio in a week. Life has been uhhhh asdasdas. Oh and I've been watching mechanical keyboard vids for more hours than I really should instead of working my shit together. Anyway...

I also had a hard time aligning this huhu I'm really sorry for being a noob and being a slow coder but yep! Done! Although the contact form doesn't actually work lmao. Apparently, I need to have a backend but I'm too lazy for that huhu.

Stage 4.5: Darkmode (10-13-21)

Tried to do this but I had a hard time aligning the dark/day mode logo on the right and for it to appear whenever the size gets smaller. I know I gave up too soon but I just want this project to be over, it has taken me too long. I'll save this part for next time, I'm sorry.

So yeah, things to improve:

+ dark mode + contact form

Bonus Stage:

I actually made this the other day while I was procrastinating at coding hahaha. So I think I'll be working on this tomorrow so I can finally make this blog public to everyone.

Kind of the same layout, but still different? Ya feel me, fam? I will also be changing the logo and links to handwritten PNGs to make it feel more personal yknow

Update (06-30-22)

Update: Took a break for how many months, because I moved to a new city, adjusted, focused on work and making extra incomes, and doing my hobbies huhu but I'm back!

I did design a new website to add to my portfolio earlier this year on Figma but ended up halting it, too because I volunteered for 2 months to campaign for VP Leni for presidency. She ended up not winning and it did hurt a lot but at least I met a lot of new people and I'm proud to say that I stood my ground and fought for what I believe is right. It definitely was a time of my life. ANYWAY!!! Back to the website.

I actually started a few days ago, but I updated my Sass because apparently, the one that I was using hasnt been updated for 3 years now. Anyway, Sass stopped working and I had to use @use and @forward but I wasted a olot of time trying to fix it so I decided to stop using Sass and just transfer everything to regular CSS. My website worked again. Took me time to adjust with the syntax of CSS again, and I think I'll just stay and use pure CSS this time to avoid confusion and easy implementation between html, css, and javascript.

Goods news, again. I fixed the typewriting effect and dark/light mode!

Other than the contact form that's not really working, I'm basically done, I just need to add more to my portfolio site and I'll put this site on live and I'm gonna use tumblr to host it. :) Next project is to code this blogsite so I can link it on my portfolio and social media!

Stage 5: Coding the Blogsite (July 4-5, 2022)

OH MY GOD AAAAA. I know I've been putting this project on the side for almost a year now. I've wasted so many months because I just didn't have the motivation because I thought I couldn't do them but I get to finish them in a span of like 1-2 days. Why do I doubt myself so much, I have so much potential. Anyway, this blogsite is now live and I'm so happy about it. I'll make a separate post for it.

Next step is convert the codes for my portfolio site so it can be rendered by tumblr again, connect my other project designs to the portfolio corner and probably apply for a company and (HOPEFULLY???) finally get hired!!

I'm still contemplating whether to move to Mania for office word or just stick to WFH because I really don't wanna waste so much time on traffic in the city. I'm blabbering now. Goodbye hahaha

[uwuch9n]

hey person !! today i'll be writing some 2AM sugawara fluff because i'm bored and not tired :D hope u enjoy reading !

characters: sugawara & nb y/n (self insert or oc)

warnings or possible triggers: hands are touched, making out, neck being grabbed (not aggressively!!,) suga and y/n both tear up, goosebumps, a confession, & hugging ! please do not continue reading if any of these things could trigger any unwanted reactions ! maybe the next time i write some fluff or sfw fanfics you’ll be able to read ‘em !

picnic date after practice.

you watch sugawara, asahi, and daichi all laughing and messing around after practice, while kageyama and hinata do their gay little thing. you've been watching them play for the longest time, cheering them on in the crowd, and now that you're in the official karasuno volleyball team, you can't even believe how pretty sugawara actually is up close. or how good they cooperate in the team, that too. sugawara caught your attention the most though, and you knew exactly what it was. his beautiful smile and his soothing voice. though he's never actually talked to you as anything more than a teammate, you felt as though he was just.. special.

of all the boys in the volleyball team, or even in the entirety of karasuno, sugawara was the one you really would like to know the most.

that's when you finally snap out of your little fantasy world and realize that THE sugawara is walking up to you with the biggest smile. you start to tense up, obviously. you've been crushing on him since when..? ever since you saw him? yeah.

"hey there y/n ! i got a question for you, if you don't mind taking a few minutes to talk!" he says enthusiastically. woah. sugawara knows your name and wants to talk to you. SUGAWARA. WANTS. TO. TALK. TO. YOU. and he knows your name.

"wh- yeah sure i've got all day! what's up?" you say acting like this was totally cool with you and you totally weren't just thinking about him. his smile doesn't leave his face, in fact it only grows bigger. he seemed glad that you were free all day. you just didn't know why he was so happy about it.

"awesome ! well i was trying to reach you yesterday but i guess you aren't the type to pick up random numbers are you," he giggled, "i should've messaged you instead... but anyway! i wanted to talk to you about your blocking.. it's really impressive. and i just wanted to say that for a new addition to our team, you really are very skilled. and im so proud of you for that y/n! but im getting off track here aren't i.." he rambled on and on about how impressed he was by you and how he wanted to get to know you better. you sat there flustered and shocked, but still willing to listen to every compliment he threw at you.

his rambling continued and you are able to understand all of it, but then you hear him ask you... a very WATTPAD-ESQUE question.

"i was wondering if maybe you wanted to go on a little picnic date with me so that we could talk about the team.. or if you'd like, talk about each other! whatever you want, i'll make sure to make it happen and-" you cut him off. "MHM! let's totally do it!! i'm so down !! SO PUMPED !! woohOOO! i would love that !!" you blabber out excitedly.

"awe great! when would you like to go? like in a few minutes?? maybe tomorrow? i mean we could go get dressed at home and then bring all the supplies and stuff and meet up at a park if you're fine with it! i'll send you the address of my favorite park.. here lemme just..."he proposed while reaching for his phone. you nod in agreement and both of you exchange numbers, giving each other nicknames in the contact list.

fast forward; you two are already at the park, setting up the picnic spot. (i know im lazy im sorryy)

"alright doll, would you mind bringing over the food basket i set up for us? it's right- yeah right there!" he giggled as you quickly pointed at where it was while he was mid-sentence. he brushed off any unnecessary leaves and dirt on the picnic blanket, and sat down, moving around the food items and snacks to make the setup look cuter and more enjoyable. you finally finish bringing over all the snacks you brought from home and set them down, organizing them alongside suga.

"is that a separate bowl of konpeitō??!" you ask shocked. it was your personal favorite candy and you were curious to know how HE knew that. "yeah it is! i love konpeitō a lot so i brought some for us to share, it's my favorite candy." he replied while scratching his head. "no way! it's my favorite candy too! that's cool!!" you say very hyped. you both giggle and talk about how you two were feeling. things like "how was your week?" and "did you enjoy practice?" were probably the first few questions of the bunch.

of course, the conversation didn't stay dry, and you two talk about lots of things, ranging from why your favorite song was actually a meme song to why sugawara doesn't like to share his snacks with daichi because he eats them all.

you both enjoyed the delicious konpeitō, nommed on some homemade suga-sandwiches, and sipped on fruit punch flavored juice happily while talking about how cute the ducks at the park were.

then sugawara's curiosity kicked in.

"hey doll, i think you already know what i saved you as in my phone, but i never found out what you saved me as.. is it alright if you tell me?" he asked suddenly. he was itching to know what you decided to call him. this was very important to sugawara and you could tell, so you quickly followed up. "i got you saved as suga-bear with a white heart next to it!" you said, smiling gently. he blushed a bit from how calm you said it. your smile made his mind go blank.

"that's.. adorable y/n.. that's so cute..." he lets out after finally finding out how to breathe again. you look away, clearly blushing because of how cute he looked while saying that. he finally mustered up the courage to caress your soft tender hand, squeezing it, not too tightly, and then slowly redirecting his hand to your warm, rosy cheek.

"y/n, honestly.. if i didn't ask you on this date would i have even known how incredibly cute you actually were?" he said as he looked deeply into your eyes, getting lost in them by each passing second. your thoughts raced as his warm hand rested against your left cheek and the wind slowly hit your back. you could hear your heart beating much faster than before. it was a very tense yet relaxing moment.

before you could even respond to his rhetorical question, he leaned in and slowly kissed your lips, his tongue accidentally slipping in. neither of you regretted it though. you kissed back; and for a short moment, your mind went blank. you could feel both his hands moving towards your neck and shoulders. he grabbed your neck gently and only fell into a deeper kiss than when his lips first met yours. his fingers wrapped around your neck and even just the feeling of it gave you goosebumps.

"i don't know if it's too soon to even say this but it's just... it feels right to." he says as he pulled away from the kiss. "doll..." he sighed. "i love you.. and im not holding back from saying that because i know that if we spend even just one more minute together i'll already want to give you the world and all of the universes on a silver platter." he confessed.

you couldn't even believe what was happening. i mean, the kiss alone was enough to make you pass out and yet here you were listening to your crush of 3 years confess his love to you at a cute picnic date.

"i... i love you a lot. im not just saying that because we're here on a little picnic date and i'm not saying it with hopes to make you feel better or give you false hope. i truly feel like you just.. make me feel even more comfortable being myself. even if it was just a short picnic date, even if we played together once or twice during practice, even if this is our first time actually having a full-on conversation. i really do love you... so so much.." you could see a tear rolling down his cheek as he mouthed "thank you" and kissed your cheek.

he went in for a hug and moved his hands and arms up and down against your back. he laughed off his tears while still rubbing your back, and pulled away to wipe his tears. you could tell he wasn't joking about it and that made you get a little emotional too. he grabbed your face and kissed your forehead, then your nose, and lastly, a small peck on the lips.

"suga... i didn't know you felt the same way i did.." you said, reassuring him that you loved him just as much. he laughed through his tears and then sniffed. you could see how he was quickly getting much more comfortable with you.

"i always have... it's just now i'm able to actually tell you about it.. yknow?" he laughed. he intertwined his fingers with yours and tightly held your hands, putting them both close to his face and gently planting kisses on them. both of you looked into each other's eyes and leaned in for a final kiss while the sun was setting.

from the second you saw him, to the moment you two kissed, you knew suga was the one.

that’s all ! i hope you enjoyed this self insert x suga fluff fanfic ! i can't even tell if this one's good or not, but that's because i wrote this at like 2AM and i'm just posting it now because of the lil mistakes lmao. i dont rlly expect this to do any good, just a random fluff i wrote :,)

[iraprince]

do u have any advice for forcing past 50 layers of self loathing in order to work on practicing art? i know i gotta Just Do It to get better and i've gotten a lot better in the past few months thru consistent practice!! but some days i sit down to do it and immediately get hit with a feeling of You Will Never Be Good Enough And That Makes You A Bad Person that i really struggle to get past :/ i rly resonate w your posts about mental illness/health so i thought i'd ask! hope you have a good week!

it’s hard! it’s fucking hard. it takes constant daily practice -- not just at art but practice at being kind to yourself -- and it takes a long time, at least in my experience.

the first and most important thing, which you’ve probably already heard a billion times and are sick of hearing bc it’s so much easier said than done, is to try your best to stop comparing yourself to others. constantly holding yourself up to artists who are more technically adept/more polished than yourself will poison ur heart and brain and make it so, so much harder for u to focus on ur own craft. if you really, REALLY can’t turn that comparison/jealousy/stress into inspiration rn, it may mean you just have to actually limit the amount of time u spend looking at work that creates that ache in you, yknow? and so the flip side of this advice is another piece of advice i’ve given before, which is that u should surround yourself w people who are kind of roughly in the same “stage” of their creative journey as u. connect w other artists who are struggling w their confidence, other artists who don’t have much of an audience, other artists who are still trying to get their technical level to where they want it -- people who are going through stuff you relate to personally, instead of just following artists who you feel are already “way better” than u so all u feel when u look at their stuff is “my stuff will never look like that.” if u already do, that’s fantastic! lean into your interactions w them, learn from each other, and remind yourself constantly that FAR more people are in your boat (where we all have stuff artwise that we’re insecure about and we’re all trying really hard to get better and get our stuff out there) vs like, the amount of artists who are just “Good Enough!” and have settled there and are just chillin is comparatively very very small. MOST people feel exactly the way you do.

i also have a thread i wrote on twitter about how to deal with and work around the discouragement of not being technically skilled enough to draw what’s in your head. tldr: while you are in stages where you’re not happy with your skill level (which are feelings that will fade, and then come back, over and over again, for as long as you draw), instead of giving up, try to be realistic AND proactive and change the internal monologue from “i’m not good enough to draw this :(” to “okay. i’ll just frustrate myself if i keep trying to draw plan A. what’s a plan B that’s more realistic with my skill level?”

another thing it took me forever to learn is that everything doesn’t have to be posted. a lot of times a piece i was in the middle of wouldn’t actually be AWFUL, but it wouldn’t be “good enough to post,” so i’d convince myself i hated it. i spent ages thinking of every single drawing i ever made in terms of “is this polished enough to post, if i post this will anyone like/retweet/reblog this, will this make me look like i’m shitty at drawing if i post it,” blah blah blah blah blah, and finally realizing that u can just. MAKE drawings that aren’t that good, and nobody EVER has to see them if u don’t want them to and that doesn’t mean the drawing was a waste of time, was a revelation for me tbh. and i still struggle w feeling like any drawing that i don’t post and get validation on is a “waste” or like, pointless, but i’m training myself out of that and it helps a lot. sort of connected to this, try your BEST not to scrap drawings halfway through when you don’t like how they’re coming out. really really try to push through and finish crappy drawings. nobody has to know, and you’ll progress faster by making yourself finish things instead of giving up on a string of a dozen half-drawn heads.

aaaaaand finally: when drawing stops being fun and starts being something you’re torturing yourself with, maybe it’s time to go do something else for a while. like, i think utilizing this advice effectively requires having a really honest and realistic self-dialogue, bc literally the last thing i said before this was “make yourself do things you don’t want to do” and i don’t want this advice to turn into “well every single time i get frustrated that means it’s time to give up on practice for the day,” obviously. but i mean there IS a line between gritting your teeth and pushing through dull/embarrassing/just not super fun practice for the greater good, vs torturing yourself banging your head against a wall for hours at something that’s not making you happy. sometimes if you hit a plateau or you just can’t find any joy or contentment in trying that just means you’re creatively depleted. you need to rest and go soak in some inspiration and just get away from your tablet/sketchbook for a while and that’s so normal. besides, you’re already doing fine: from the way you phrase this, you HAVE been consistently practicing, and it’s just that some days you’re tired and fed up and you can’t do it. there’s nothing weird about that! that’s how everyone is! so, you know: work hard, play hard, but be nice to yourself and cut yourself a little more slack. you’ll get there and it’s not a race.

[billhaderlovebot]

beep beep (5) - richie tozier.

@ceruleanrainblues @the-star-above-you @a-second-hand-sorrow @shockwavee @socially-unaccepptable-dameron

the usual sexy stuff and swearing and weed. y'all know the drill.

"i've never been... uh... good at the whole, um, serious thing. but, this is us. this is... our wedding. and i put real effort into this shit. so, get ready, fuckers, because this is a real tearjerker. um, yeah. okay..."

you honestly hadn't trusted richie to write his own vows, but neither of you had wanted them to feel... artificial. you wanted them to be your own. and now he was standing before you, holding your hands in his and tearing up already. big softie.

he had also teared up as you walked down the aisle on wobbly legs, mike on your arm.

"we were... we were owed more time, i think." richie lamented. "we should have done this years ago. i should have married you years ago."

---

richie had known, for a long time, that you were the one he would marry.

it was 1993, and the sun was setting over sleepy little derry, giving the quarry an orange-pink glow and bathing you all in its warmth.

you were all pruning up a little, and it wasn't as warm as it was when you'd come down a few hours previously, but summer was coming to an end, and you wanted to make the most of your last couple weeks of freedom with your favourite people in the world.

richie watched as you sat in the shallows, taking a hit of the sizeable joint between your fingers. you exhaled loudly, leaning your head back toward the watercolour sky.

shades of blush pink and peach and apricot illuminated your skin, the low sun setting a warm glow across the water, and oh, god, he was in love.

you laughed, loud and beautifully obnoxious, at something stan had said, passing him the joint and wiggling your legs in the water. your laugh just so happened to be the losers' favourite sound in the whole world, as it was one of those wonderfully infectious laughs you can't help but laugh along with.

richie had always tried to make you laugh in the hopes that you'd like him, but when you did laugh, he found himself falling in love.

eddie watched on in disapproval, sitting cross legged on the bank behind you.

"when you get lung cancer i will laugh and i will spit on your grave." he grumbled, but took the joint anyway when it was passed back around to him, just as enthusiastically as the rest of you. perhaps he was trying to protest in hopes that it would lessen the guilt he would feel later as he frantically sprayed himself with deodorant to get the smell out, and applied the emergency eyedrops he had bought.

ben, bev, bill and mike were in the middle of a very intense game of chicken. beverly had toppled off of mike's shoulders at least twice, but she had pushed bill back into the water more than four times, shrieking with laughter as, arms flailing, he disappeared under the surface of the lake.

"rich! c'mere." you had caught sight of him and held out your arms in his direction, making cute little grabby hand motions toward him. the look of utter joy on your face warmed him from head to toe, and he smiled as he swam over, dodging bill, who had once again been knocked into the lake by bev. ("stop being such a little bitch, billy.")

you came to meet richie halfway, leaving stan and eds to finish the joint and sinking into the water up to your neck. you immediately attached your lips to his, running both of your hands through his hair because you were stoned and everything felt better under your fingertips.

kissing him was like... a whole other plane of existence. you were joined at the lips, joined at the heart. the sun was going down and it was getting cold, and you were both shaking, and he noted the way you tasted of smoke as he kissed the life from you, the water rippling against his chin. you groaned quietly, and richie smiled into the kiss, ignoring everyone else's exasperated groans because ugh they're making out again ew look at them they're so disgustingly in love.

"you're both whores!" stan all but screamed, and you flipped him off, kissing richie all the more enthusiastically.

and richie broke away just to look at you.

the sun, now casting a deep orange-red light behind you, was almost set, and you were beautiful.

the quiet "hi, babe." that tumbled from your lips made him feel as if everything was right with the world, and, then, staring at you, drinking you in, in all your red-eyed, swollen-lipped, soft-grinning glory, like he was seeing colour for the first time, he knew that if he didn't marry you he would probably die.

---

"but now we're here."

richie cleared his throat, his eyes darting around because if he looked directly you he had no chance of keeping it together. "and i have you for the rest of my life. it took a lot for us to get here, too. god knows how we managed to plan all this. thanks, bevvy."

---

eddie was your best man.

obviously.

eddie was your best everything, to be honest, so it was an easy choice while wedding planning. eddie had been the essential third to your group of three ever since you were kids, and he meant so much to richie, and so much to you that you hadn't even had to think about it.

eddie was going to be the best man. that choice was a no-brainer.

all of the other choices, however, were not.

richie and yourself, apparently, were completely incompetent at any sort of planning whatsoever.

you tried, though, you really did.

you got out the big notebook and a pen and richie pulled up pinterest and you had some serious talks about colour schemes and flower arrangements and the like.

well, sort of.

("can we have, like, yknow, like, those worms..."

"worms?"

"like those worms on strings... yeah, those."

"the googly eyes?"

"the eyes.... yeah, and just..."

"hang them?"

"from the ceiling... yeah. "

"richie?"

"yes?"

"i think that's the best idea you've had since i met you.")

but after consuming copious amounts of alcohol, and only having made one useful decision, the two of you decided that you were not in any state to plan your fucking wedding.

("so... s-so if we get- richard, stop trying to take my clothes off- if we get the worms, do you want the pink- rich, i swear- do you want the pink ones or the blue ones...?")

turning off whatever true crime show was playing in the background, you stumbled, leaning against one another, to the bedroom.

"sex?"

"that's the plan."

but any attempt to undress each other only got half way before you were both asleep atop the bedsheets, snoring lightly, an intoxicated tangle of limbs.

the planner notebook you had been using to write down the essentials lay open and abandoned on the coffee table, the only thing in it being one line of richie's chickenscratch handwriting.

it read: set a place for stanley.

---

richie was really, properly crying now, and the only think keeping him from losing his shit was eddie's hand on his shoulder, and your thumb running across his knuckles.

everyone else was crying, too. not a dry eye in the room.

"almost losing you again... so soon after we had found each other... really put shit into perspective for me, yknow? hospitals, um, suck. and i was so pissed... because... fuck, sorry, fuck... i was, uh, pissed, because all i could think was that we were losing time again."

---

(before the sewer fight)

"kiss me." richie's quiet, shaky voice came from behind you, and you whirled around from the suitcase from which you were trying to put together an outfit more suitable for clown killing.

he took you in his arms almost immediately, bending down to kiss you, but the kiss almost scared you.

it was too tense.

there was too strong an edge to the way he held you close, kissing you as if it were the last time.

"what's wrong?" you murmured, centimetres from his lips, your breath ghosting across them.

"i... i don't know if we'll both come out of this." he admitted in hushed agony, kissing you again, slower. "i won't be able to live with myself if something happens to you." richie kissed you again and again, such raw emotion behind each soft crush of lips that he had to swallow the quiet, broken gasps that spilled from you.

"whatever happens," you breathed, running your thumbs along his cheekbones. "i love you."

"show me." he pleaded, red rimmed eyes locking onto yours with such intent that you almost fell over. "please, just-"

"we have to be quick." you said, and he nodded, pulling you into another long, searing kiss. there was a sort of burning desperation to the way his lips moved, now.

richie shifted your shorts down and slid his hands under your thighs, whispering a low "jump" in your ear. your legs wrapped around his waist, and you gasped as your back hit the wall.

"fuck, rich, hurry the fuck up." you mumbled, tilting your head so as to give him better access to the skin of your neck, to which he was already leaving marks.

"okay, baby." and then he was all but tearing off your shirt, immediately exploring the newly exposed skin with his mouth, teeth included. fuck.

"you're such a prick." you hissed.

"and you might just be the most beautiful thing ever to have existed, sweets." said richie, pushing his glasses up his nose and looking at you with dark, dilated, sex-me-up eyes.

"do something about it then." you challenged.

"anything for you, doll."

richie was pushing you so hard against the wall, that you were surprised you didn't go right through the drywall and topple into eddie's room.

you ran your tongue along his bottom lip and he groaned so fucking loud.

"i love you." you whispered the sentiment against his lips, fumbling at his belt buckle.

"i love you more."

---

richie took a moment to compose himself, allowing you to do the same. your eyes drifted about the room. the absence of both yours and richie's families bothered neither of you.

at the front row, the losers and stanley's empty chair, reminded you that they were the only family you'd ever need.

---

"you fucking what?"

"it was an accident!" richie held his hands up in defense, slumping down next to you on the couch.

"richie, do you ever imagine what it would be like if you'd have gotten enough fucking oxygen at birth?" you snapped, raking your hands across your scalp.

"watch it, or no sex." he said.

"i will never have sex with you ever as long as i live unless you uninvite my mother right the fuck now."

"i couldn't say no!" richie was now flapping his hands about in frustration, looking a little like a cartoon character. "she called me up yelling about the divorce and then i told her about the wedding--"

"my life would be so much easier if your dad had just pulled out." you deadpanned.

"--and i didn't know how to tell her she couldn't come--

"we have to change the venue. she's not coming."

"but that's the beach grease was filmed on, babe, there's no way i--"

"richie, if you don't change the venue, i will fucking castrate you in your fucking sleep."

---

it was raining that day, anyway, so a beach wedding wouldn't have been possible. it was okay, though. richie quite liked the little chapel you had picked out, and the coloured light that filtered through the stained glass windows danced across your skin in a way that reminded him so much of quarry sunsets. it was perfect, really.

"we could have had... so much more, yknow? a normal life. but, instead, we grew up in fucking derry... like idiots from some dumb horror book." you laughed at that. so did the losers. you were the only ones who knew what it really meant. "i promise... i'm going to, um, spend every moment of the rest of my life, the rest of however long we have, showing you how much i love you. and i do... love you, that is. every moment of the rest of fucking time, baby, because god knows we've lost enough."

and you kissed him before the priest even said the words, knocking him backwards into eddie.

your first dance was unconventional.

of course.

richie was nervous. he had practiced this dance so many times, with beverly, with eddie, with fucking bill. (that particular endeavour had been a tough nut to crack.) and you pretended you didn't know, for his sake, because he had tried so hard.

his hands shook as he positioned them on your waist where beverly had taught him.

"i can't dance, babe." he snorted.

"i know you can't." you giggled, kissing his cheek.

you held him close to you, blinking back tears as the first chords of billy joel's vienna drifted quietly from the speakers in the corner.

richie lay his head on your shoulder, murmuring the words softly in your ear and pressing light kisses to the soft skin under it.

about halfway through the song, you realised you didn't actually know how to dance either, which was a relief to him. whatever you ended up doing had to have been acceptable, because, once again, everyone was sobbing.

bev cried, mike cried, ben cried, bill cried. eddie shoved almost his entire hand into his mouth to stifle his tears, because there was no way in fuck richie was seeing him cry.

richie would sooner find himself down in the sewers again than admit it, but he could carry a damn tune.

when the song faded to its soft end, the two of you didn't move for several more seconds, eyes gently closed, foreheads together. (admittedly, richie was quite a bit taller than you, and to lean down a fraction.) it seemed almost wrong to open your eyes and join the rest of the world, but the losers' over-enthusistic applause and cheering pulled you both from the trance as they drowned out everyone else.

"you're beautiful." richie whispered, and your eyes snapped open. you had a feeling he wasn't just talking about your dress. eddie, of all people, had helped you pick it out, following you around the wedding dress outlet centres, hissing profanity at the disheveled women who got in his way and muttering furiously about how he'd sterilise the fuck out of whatever you chose to buy.

"you're beautiful." you sniffed, wiping your watery eyes and pulling him down to kiss you softly.

"why are you two like that?" eddie whined when you sat down at the table you'd put them all on. he was only half joking.

"it is their wedding day, eds." bev shrugged, remembering how gross her and ben had been at their own wedding a few months previously.

"what can i say?" you arranged the skirt of your dress comfortably around you before slinging your legs over richie's. "richie's a whore."

the rest of the party was... eventful.

most notably, the losers club's exclusive, very enthusiastic (and frankly quite dangerous) group dance to uptown girl in which your shoe ended up across the room in the wine cooler on the table you dubbed "friends from work" and bill and mike accidentally threw eddie half way across the room at the final chorus.

there was also the matter of richie and yourself insisting on recreating the "come on eileen" dance from the perks of being a wallflower, but then not remembering any of the moves. losers club exclusive group dance part 2 ensued.

eddie's best man speech was a wreck, mainly because he was absolutely bladdered.

("trash-mouth... trash-mouth fuckin tozier got the girl. nobody thought it would ever happen, i mean ever-")

---

(6 months after the wedding.)

"are we gonna pretend we have kids?" you pondered, crumpling the empty juice pouch in your hands and tossing it onto the steady-growing pile in the corner of the living room. "or are we just going to have to own up to the fact we drank twelve boxes of capri suns between us this week?"

a quiet slurping noise came from beside you as richie drained his own capri-sun, throwing it onto the pile with a flourish of his arms.

"i think that they've come to expect this of us." he said, shifting your legs out of his lap and standing up to answer the door.

"alright!" you heard him call down the hallway, as who you assumed was bev began pounding the doorbell aggressively.

and then the door swung open, and you heard a chorus of cheerful greetings and borderline yelling. ah, your best friends.

the losers came over to the tozier residence almost weekly for drunken antics and the spilling of long overdue tea.

"MRS TOZIER!" mike hollered jovially, bill in tow. they'd been seeing more of each other recently. none of you were able to miss how mike looked at bill when bill wasn't looking. it was how beverly and ben looked at one another, and how you looked at richie every morning you woke up to his face, and all throughout the day when he wasn't looking, and even when he was looking.

"MIKEY!" you yelled back with equally as much gusto, stretching your arms out for a hug, which he gladly returned.

"novelty not wore off, yet?" mike asked, gratefully taking the capri sun you offered to him as he settled next to you on the couch. "you've been married long enough, realised you don't love him yet?"

"oh yeah, no, this is purely a marriage of convenience. he's not that ugly, and i get laid like every day, and all i have to do is pick up his socks and share a bed with him."

richie wasn't impressed, storming back into the room in front of bev, ben and eddie.

"hey, um, ok, well, i actually am having a passionate affair with ben, and, ben's fucking hung. so, there."

richie slumped on the other side of you, grabbing you and blowing a raspberry on the side of your neck.

"seriously, bitch?" you whined, but you wrapped your arms around him all the same.

eddie bustled over to the towering pile of capri-sun packets, a plastic refuse bag in hand that you assumed he'd just pulled from his fanny pack.

"you guys are disgusting." he shoved the packets into the bag with unnecessary force. "you fucking deserve each other."

"tell them why we got kicked out of the drive-in theatre last week, rich." you smirked, leaning into your husband's side. he cleared his throat.

"i, uh..."

"tell them." you pressed.

"we saw titanic-" richie started, quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.

"oh, god." eddie groaned, storming out of the room in search of a recycling bin.

"-and i, uh... was yelling diving scores as they, uh, jumped off the boat."

"for fucks sake, richie." ben sighed. beverly was borderline cackling. mike and bill just looked disappointed.

"it's not my fault!" richie whined. "my beautiful wife was the one who insisted we recreate the sex scenes as they happened. hand on the window and everything."

"the toziers, everyone." eddie came back into the room, sitting on the ground on a beanbag near the coffee table. "you two should never have been allowed near each other."

"ah, but we were." you chimed in. grabbing richie's face and kissing him obnoxiously. "what say we get piss-drunk and, like, play dumb drinking games. for old times sake?" you suggested when you tore yourself from him, your lips separating with a wet pop. "it's been a while."

---

1993

"what's up, fuckers." you threw up a casual peace sign as you descended into bill's smoke-shrouded basement, stumbling slightly down the stairs and sitting between richie and stanley in the circle that the losers had formed.

richie immediately attached his lips to your neck, pulling you into his side.

"hello to you too, trash-mouth." you grinned. richie looked fucking good.

he'd only gone and got his septum pierced the day before, and you were wary at first, but the little silver horseshoe ring that hung between his nostrils now looked amazing, glinting in the low basement lights. richie wore a deep red, oversized, cable-knit sweater that you could have sworn was yours but you'd smoked a huge joint on the way here and weren't too sure. a black beanie sat on his head, a few errant curls poking out by his forehead and around his ears.

"you're hot." you mumbled.

"you're hot." he grinned against your neck, and lifted his head to kiss your lips, his glasses bumping against your nose.

"yo, whores, truth or dare." beverly said, throwing back about half of the bottle in her hand, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"i fucking hate this game." richie hissed, leaning against your shoulder, sulking.

"truth." you said.

"what's richie's biggest kink?" she leaned forward in the circle, her tongue poking out from between her teeth.

"beverly!" richie was not amused.

"he's really into hair pulling." you sniffed, taking a blunt from between stan's fingers.

"babe!" richie exclaimed. you exhaled in his face.

"is he loud?" bev asked, leaning to take the joint from you.

"BEVERLY!" richie was shouting, now, throwing his hands up in frustration.

"oh, yes. he is." you nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

"FUCK!"

"a bit like that, actually."

"this is actual abuse." richie put his head in his hands, edging away from you.

"i love you." you tried, tugging on his sweater and leaning against him.

he had crawled into stanley's lap at this point, curling up like a baby.

"i fucking hate truth or dare." richie sat up and reached for another bottle, allowing you to wrap your arms around him.

---

most of the losers were asleep, curled up in various, not so comfortable looking positions on your couch and beanbags and weird hanging egg chair thingy that you'd insisted on buying.

"where did you come from, babe?" richie sighed, snaking his arms around your waist from behind as you brushed your teeth. "you're fuckin'... perfect."

one thing richie had always remembered, if a little vaguely, was your smell. the smell of sleep and fabric softener and your shampoo. his memory hadn't done it justice, he decided. when he took you in his arms in the chinese restaurant and inhaled deeply as if it were his last breath, filling his lungs with the smell of you and trying to sear into his brain the memory of how you felt inside his arms. because he would forget again, surely.

he hated himself for forgetting you.

"we're married, rich." you pointed out, rinsing your toothbrush and dropping it into the holder. "you're not too bad, yourself."

"i mean it, though." he muttered, pressing the softest of kisses to your jaw. "you're so fuckin'... doll, i, fuck-"

"don't go all shy on me, babe." you teased. "come to bed, yeah? im cold."

he watched as you shuffled off to your shared bedroom, doing that thing you always did when you stretched, making an unnecessary amount of noise. he smiled. that's my baby.

"hey, rich." another voice came from behind him. at the door of the bathroom, small and tentative.

"oh, hey, eds." richie smiled, taking his own toothbrush from the one next to yours, continuing the conversation through the mirror. but there was a somewhat uncomfortable silence in the small room, made worse by the hollow rattling of the toothbrushes.

"i, uh..." eddie shifted his weight, leaning against the doorframe. "i, uh... gotta tell you something, rich."

"knock yourself out, eddie spaghetti."

"im getting a divorce."

"oh, yeah? good, she was a fucking-"

"im with someone. a guy."

"a guy?"

"yeah. his name is, uh, richie, as it happens. well, richard, but, yknow."

"eds-"

"i loved you." eddie blurted. quiet. barely there. "for, uh... so long."

"you-"

"when we were kids. and, and i... you were never out of my head. not for one fucking second. and my mom... god, my fucking mom, she knew. i think she knew. every time you came round she made sure to scrub me a little harder. the soap burned. fuckin, i don't even know, some carbolic shit, or something. but... it was always her, wasn't it? you and her, um, you loved her and you continued to love her for... for fucking ever. and i wanted it to be me, rich."

richie was almost choking on his heart.

"eds, you know i-"

"no, actually, i don't."

"well i-"

"im not... bitter. if that's what you think. because i think the world of her. she's... my best friend, i would do anything for her, rich. and it wouldn't have made sense for you to end up with anyone else.

and im not... pining anymore? this was uh, what i needed. and im with someone, and he loves me, and i love him. so much, i do. and i love... you... and her... "

"eddie, i loved you too, yknow."  richie muttered. the words hung in the air between them like the sword of fuckin' damocles.

"you did?"

"yeah. course i did."

"well, fuck."

"yeah. fuck."

"can i-" eddie held out his arms.

"yeah.",

richie was so used to hugging smaller people that it was natural to rest his chin on eddie's head, enveloping him almost completely. he noted how eddie gripped his shirt a little tighter than was probably necessary.

"you gotta let me meet this guy, yeah?" said richie, muffled against eddie's hair. "you're, like, small and shit. so i gotta make sure he won't break you or something."

"okay, rich." eddie laughed quietly.

when they broke apart, something had changed. there was closure. eddie could go back to his loving boyfriend and richie could go back to his wonderful wife and it was okay. all of it was okay.

it was okay.

---

"g'morning, doll." you had woken up to richie going to town between your legs. which was, um, always a good time.

after he had finished, wiping his lips, wiping you from his lips, he mumbled the term of endearment lowly into your ear, kissing the spot just underneath it, and you almost grabbed his head and pushed him back down there. however, it was cold, and he was warm, so you melted against him, pulling his arm over you.

"hey, baby." you weren't sure if the words had come from you, because you were floating. and half asleep. but they must have done, because richie kissed the back of your neck and pulled you closer to him, if that was possible. "what time is it." you continued, yawning.

"uhh, like, nine." he yawned back.

"ew."

"i know."

"why did you- and not that i'm complaining, because that was great- why did you wake me up, you fucking insane person."

"because they all left, and woke me to tell me they were leaving, and then i was awake, and you weren't, and i was bored, and i wanted to wake you nicely."

"mission fucking accomplished." you sighed, a sleepy grin spreading across your face. "but can we go back to sleep, now?"

"yeah."

"love you, stinky." you mumbled.

"love you more."

[amjustagirl]

im the storm chaser anon again Nikkiiii wdymmm ive been here since forever and have read everything in your master least at least once 😳 im just too shy to reveal myself but im sure you've come across me lurking in your blog. i was so excited to see that broken compass is in the same universe as the storm chaser series, i think i like it when stories are interwoven because well, life is a bit like that as well.

which brings me to something else, im currently reading the great Gatsby and i have to say that your writting reminds me of Fitzgerald's so so much, especially after you commented on the absence of dialogue from your fics(?) i noticed the same technique being used in the great Gatsby and was wondering whether you were inspired by him or not? i don't know, i find it intriguing, the omission of dialogue i mean, whether it's done on purpose or not i love it. it allows you to grasp the meaning behind words without having to deal with them which makes the story not only more interesting but also really unique in my eyes. you need dialogue in theatre or modern films but written text is something else entirely. while reading your fics, i can't help feeling that you explore and make the best use of aspects unique to written word, that's why i still believe that you're one of the best writters around here (and im saying this while having read almost everything you've recommended since i followed you 👀)

also the interwoven stories part reminds me of J.D. Salinger's short stories, sorry i said "which brings me to something else" and begun talking about something seemingly irrelevant, it's just that in my mind, Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye and The Great Gatsby resemble eachother a little and my brain skipped two "steps"

anyway, sorry i say a lot of things at once and remain silent for the next two months but im almost done i promise.

love knows not it's depth, i told you something similar when you first published it but i'll say it again, it's one of the most realistic pieces i've ever read and i love that. the fact that Kuroo is one of my favourite characters aside (Kuroo and Atsumu 💔) he was so well written !! like, it felt as though i was witnessing a couple in my circle or something of sorts, it did not feel like a manga character and im saying that as a compliment T^T

i feel like im forgetting something though, anyway if you haven't read the books i mentioned, which i doubt, but if not i recommend them! also since im sending quite a few asks i might as well introduce myself, im ellie ><

i can't wait for your Kita fic, im sure it'll be amazing but take your time with it, it's okay!! im sorry for sending a long as letter in your asks but it'll probably happen again :( (unless ofc you don't want me to do so)

anyway, anyway, i hole you'll have a nice day !! 💛🌻

HI ELLIE!

okay my own rambling will be long so i'll do it under the cut.

oh gosh - never apologise for rambling or dropping into my inbox, i always love love love to hear what my readers think about my stories or anything around the sun! im like you - life is rly interwoven (catcher in the rye, so nostalgic!!), so i feel like..idk it makes sense for me to write some stories in the same universe! i'm glad you enjoyed it - and...

thank YOU for reading all my work! you're far too sweet to me. but yes, that's what i try to get at with some of my works where i don't focus on dialogue as much - there's so much more that's unsaid and i like the subtlety of it, yknow? i don't know - i don't think im inspired by fitzgerald - i'm familiar with his works, but because of where i'm from (former british colony, taught by brit teachers), i don't focus so much on american modern literature, more like - british victorian lit / shakespeare yknow? but but but i went to take a quick peek when you mentioned him...and yeah you're right! like this line from Gatsby - “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” oh gods, that style of writing just gave me chills. thank you for the rec - i'll HAVE to check it out.

i personally feel really bad whenever ppl tell me im one of the best writers around cos i feel like such a fraud - i think im decent but like...argh. i think a lot of us suffer from imposter syndrome LOL.

oh gods, love knows not its depth. idk what possessed me when i wrote it because it just...flowed and i knew after i wrote it that...it was real, yknow? i cld see shades of it in my mother, with my parents' marriage, potential shades of it in my own marriage (if either of us choose not to put in the work), so i guess...writing it was really reflective of real life too! i don't often know whether im writing kuroo right, and i'm glad you liked it cos he's so complex? there are so many facets to him - his cockiness, his maturity, his kindness, his ambition, and it's so easy to just write him as a smirking caricature, and i was afraid of that.

i hope i hope i hope you like my kita fic - i just dropped a sneak peek of it, and i'm back on tumblr cos i just finished writing another bulk (my brain needs to rest, to be continued tomorrow!!!).

i hope you have a lovely week, dear ellie <3 don't be afraid to pop back or even dm me, i'm always always up for a chat!!!!

[ilkkijangege]

123

Chad Chronicles is on hold while we work from home.

I'll keep updating this post if anything does happen to us.

Basically, I was telling Jacqui how J*ck told me I should join Tinder, use it during work to find out of he is there and if we would match. But Jacqui was like "what if you don't see him there but his friends see you??" So I was like "Then good na he's not on it 😂 as if he's ever talked about me to his friends 😂"

Then, nearly an hour later, I looked at my "Friends You May Know" on FB (there's a rumor that that is a list of people who's viewed your profile) then I saw that one of his friends are on it!!! I was shook, if the algorithm theory is right, then his friend was stalking me which means he has talked about me to his friends. LOL AYAN NANAMAN OVERTHINKING BES EH 😂

Then Jacqui told me how she asked her bf: if you offer a lift to a girl, does that mean he's interested? Her bf said yes but I shouldn't overthink and wait for another big sign.

Anyways, my Mandalorian plan is still going ahead. 😂

20/3/2020

Well, we didn't really talk online, he welcomed one of the guy on our team because he just got his access sorted today but I did not get the same treatment yesterday 😭

It's G tho 😂 Seems like he really is super smart because I looked into one of his chats and he used the word "futile". I'm just....wow big word 😂

Lol anyways, we're out for the weekend, Disney+ comes out on Tuesday, will try to binge it as soon I can so I can message him by Thursday or something 😂 really hope our conversation can flow naturally. Like I will just say "oh I've finished it and I am now obsessed with Baby Yoda or I can see why you are obsessed with Baby Yoda, he is adorable!" Then hopefully he can be like "What did you think of it?" Etc etc and we live happily ever after. CHOS.

.

21/03/2020

Swear everyone is telling me to either text him or to keep my feet on the ground and let the connection grow.

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW. He keeps doing all these things to me and I am always overthinking it. My friends have told me not to but it is sooo hard. They told me to wait for other signs.

I really want to take a risk and tell him but I really do not want to ruin our new found friendship. I mean I really hope he's just waiting to make more signs because he doesn't think it's time yet or something but I just don't want to give give give and not have anything in return. Haaaay Lord, please help me!

.

22/03/2020

This morning, I told my mom about the fact that he drove me home. At first, I couldn't tell her immediately, I was just staring at her the whole time and she asked "Anong kailangan mo sakin?" I said "nothing." "Bakit naka tingin ka sakin?" Then finally, I said, "Wala lang, may update lang ako sayo." Then she was like "ano may date ka???" I replied, "No update!!! Hinatid nya ako kila tita nung last time kaming pumasok.." and she was just like "ayie, hinahatid ka na ha." Then she told me, "yan dapat, cool ka lang. Pero tapusin mo muna.." She didn't complete her sentence but I knew she was talking about my FE1s but then she was probably thinking that I am nearly 25 and she should let me be. Hahaha. Then she asks "nag offer ba xa?" Sabi ko oo 😂

Then she asks me if he texts me and I told her no, we only talk in work. Then she replied, "ganun talaga" 😂 hay mother, if she had asked more details, I would have told her how I am getting mixed signals from him kaya di ko tlga sure kung gusto nya din ako 😂 but she didn't, so let's leave that for another time. 😂

Lord, pleaseee I trust you. If he doesn't reach out to me, ako na tlga mag rereach out. Need to binge The Mandalorian asap.

.

23/03

He keeps reading my messages on our GC immediately but does not with other people

ANO BA GUSTO MO PARAMDAM KA NAMAN PLS

Happened again at 16;09 ANO BA HUHU

.

24/03

STOP SEEN ZONING MY MESSAGES AS SOON AS I POST THEM AND START TALKING TO ME

.

25/03

No sign of Chad life anywhere, he was pretty much quiet today, not reading/replying to messages etc

.

26/03

I FINISHED THE MANDALORIAN YOU GUYS.

I took a risk and messaged him. It took me a whileeeeee but I just took the plunge.

Basically, I asked him how he was and how working from home has been coming along. It took him like 6 mins to reply, which was fine, we were in work so understandable.

He told me he is relaxed but about to get boring. He asked me ‘how about you?’ So I sent him this quite long response how I’ve been relaxed working in my jammies and binged watch Mandalorian, bummed about 2 eps so illegally streamed the rest. Told him that I am now also obsessed with Baby Yoda (he laughed react to this). Then he said how it was dumb for Disney not to release everything at once. (Was upset he didnt ask me what I thought of the show)

Then I told him if Netflix can do it, so can they. But he said people would just sign up for trial, watch it then cancel. Thennnn he asked if I liked it. I said yes except for Ch.6′s characters. He said he thinks you were not meant to like them.

Then I asked him if he thinks Fennec Shand is still alive. He was like which one was HE again? So I told him correction she* (laugh emoji) then explained her character. He was like ‘Oh yeaaahhh. Then boba fett was supposedly the one who found her” I replied ‘yup that’s the theory but I feel like she was pretty much lifeless already and maybe just a teaser for boba fett then?'

Then nearly 3 hours later, I go check our workplace chat and he seenzoned me. Okur. He read the message at 20.27. He better reply tomorrow or I’ll take it a sign that he really just isn’t interested in me.

On a side note, he went on lunch at 6pm, came back at around 7ish but didn't change his Status xD it's either he forgot or na distract na sya sakin CHOS sige laaaangg.

I swear I hope we can talk more tho. Since he seenzoned me, I will not message him again cos I don't want to look eager/desperate so yeah. Byeeeeee.

.

30/03

STOP READING MY MESSAGES, dear heart and head, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

I know you get notifications that "Bianca messaged..." Does your heart flutter when my name appears? STOP OVERTHINKING BIANCA.

Ayan nnmn tayo sa seenzone eh 14:55. Ano ba?

.

1/04/20

I had a dream that he messaged me. He asked me how I was and for some reason, he told me to go to Google Music because they were having a sale and that I should make a track for him. (Like what?)

Also dreamt that he took me home again. When we got to our house, he told me we needed to talk. I think he confessed.

Ay ayoko na.

.

5/4/20

Why do I keep dreaming about him? I dreamt that he messaged me on FB, really long paragraphs of him confessing his feelings.

Urgh.

Oh and I also paid for a tarot reading of how he really sees me. I mean idk if it's real but there are feelings there but there may be a third party but the reader could not 100% confirm it. It is highly probable, he's a single man who could totally date around. The reading also mention how he finds me attractive and sees a long term energy with me. It also says how he may not be ready for a serious romantic relationship but he can see it progressing down the line. But honestly, I do not see him as someone who longs for sex, yknow? I am nearly sure that he could still be a virgin but the fact that he frequented Krystle in college, makes me question it. I mean, he is a white male, it is something I am not super pressed about.

I've just been thinking, if I were to get with a Filipino guy, is there anyone out there who has never had a girlfriend or who has even dated anyone?

Chad really gives me the vibe of never having a girlfriend before but I really see him as not looking for anything at the moment to focus on his dream job.

.

6/4/20

Okay, why did I have a dream that he proposed to me??

I think we argued over something and then a few days later, he proposed. Wtf.

From what I remember, he only proposed in his car. lol

.

8/4/20

So we had a team call today. He has not been working since like Thursday last week because he could not get his VPN to work.

But dang. I heard his voice after 3 weeks. He sounds the same as in real life but his American accent is more prominent 😂

Then our TL said we might still be working from home for the next 3-4 months and I'm just like. HUHUHU.

Will I be over you by then?

.

10/04/20

Had a dream we were back in the office and we were having banters again like nothing has changed.

I think he also messaged me on Facebook one of these isolation days...

I swear I know it was probably unintentional for him to ghost me like that.

.

11/04/20

So I've been searching his Gamer tag on Google, even before I decided to let go of him and there is this one file I keep noticing, it is League of Legends and it seems his password is Yugioh246 😂 it is actually hilarious 😂 I didn't know he is that big of a nerd. I don't see it as a bad thing because I like nerds and I am drawn to them but I hope he is not an incel because that is a major turn off.

Yes, I am not wishing for us to be together anymore but I really hope he finds the woman of his dreams. He deserves to have someone who will understand him for who he is.

.

13/04/20

Another thing, how do I listen to songs without thinking of him?? It is getting frustrating. I used to listen to these songs without thinking of him and now all I do is associate these songs to him. Nakakainis.

.

14/04/20

Why do you keep reading my messages then stop reading others' after mine??

.

18/04/20

Argh why did I dream of him again?

We were back in the office daw and I sat in a different computer because I was avoiding him as in. For some reason, the coat rack was behind him so when it was home time, I grabbed my coat as fast as I could so he would not talk to me. He was slouched in his seat and looked really tired. His hair was long like mid length sufer dude hair, he was not wearing his hat. But then he saw me and called me and said "Bianca, I'll give you a ride home." I replied, gaga naman ate nyo, "If it's not raining, I can walk but if it is, I'll take the bus." He replied, "What time is your bus?" I replied, "In an hour." He replied, "Okay, if it's raining, I'll wait for you here, let me know." Then I grabbed my stuff from my locker, I went out the office and it was raining. I went back into the office and told him that it was raining. So he got up from his seat and we walked to his car. On the way, I noticed he looked really tired and his eyes were red so I asked him, "Did you not sleep?" His reply was: "Yeah I came to work with no sleep." So we just walked to his car and he opened the door for me. He even adjusted my seat.

Then for some weird reason, we ended up in Dolphins Barn, like the flats and around Tesco. Then there were billboards for Book of Mormons and he saw it he said or read "What about the Mormons?" Then I was confused at first so he pointed at the ads for the Book of Mormons. Then I told him: "Oh I really wanna see that! I heard it's meant to be one of the best Broadway shows." He then tells me he is not a big play fan but there is something he likes. I asked him but he saw another Book of Mormons billboard and pointed to it. Then we reached Reilly's Ave and idk why but my whole family and our old neighbors were all outside. Bsta ang weird talaga na he dropped me off in our old house. Dreams are weird.

So I just thanked him and watched him leave.

Aish why did I dream of you again???

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20/4/20

Had another dream about him. Just why oh why? What are these dreams trying to tell me? I haven't been thinking about him seriously so idk.

Basically in this dream, we were all back in the office. So we got a few newbies who joined our team. And management/TL thought it was a good idea to blend the newbies with the senior agents so there was a complete seat change again. Chad and the guy beside him moved to my old area, as in Chad moved to my old seat. While I was stayed in my current seat. Of course I felt sad that I won't be able to see him face to face as often anymore and that I felt like our friendship will drift apart again.

Basta ano baaa I don't understand this. Do I still have feelings for him deep down?

Oh and he read my message on the group chat again. 10:18am. I mean ok he's been active on the UKI chat today so here's me overthinking again.

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23/04/20

Another day, another Chad dream.

So in this dream, I was in Tesco with my mom or Aldi, anyways a supermarket.

I wanted to make Tacos so I was at the spice aisle, looking for a taco spice mix. Then out of nowhere, he pops up and sees me. Says hello and asked how I was etc, while I was grabbing the taco spice mix.

Then I told him goodbye but I still kept seeing him everywhere in the store even though I purposely was avoiding him.

WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING OF HIM.

It is honestly annoying. 😭

I just wanna move on.

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27/04/20

Been a while since my last dream but I dreamt that he drove me home, yet again, but I only remember the part where we entered Cherrywood and then I just got out of the car and don't even remember saying thanks. I stood at the front door, until he left.

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28/04/20

Arghhh he read my messages again on the office chat almost instantly at 2.37pm 😩😩😩😩 Whereas our own team's chat has been active all day, yet he has not read the messages on there since yesterday morning!!

Were you expecting that I messaged you or something??? CMON IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME JUST MESSAGE ME. I already messaged you first, it's your turn.

Ugh I hate overthinking this!!

Also, 26th of April marked the 1st month since we last talked. Hmmmm have I fully moved on? I really don't think I have but I am just trying to live my life. Why must you be an introvert Chad, we'll be waiting for each other forever.

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6/05/20

Hmmmm... Beginning to think he actually has 3 siblings contrary to the fact that I thought he said there are 3 of them in the family, him being the eldest, followed by his sister then his younger brother.

If it is his brother that I saw on FB then it makes sense now because remember when he gave out chocolates for Christmas? I heard him say "my brother's work had them on sale" or something along the lines. And the other brother I was aware of was only a kid. This person I saw matches the bill, from Chicago and went to the same secondary school as him. (AND LOOKS LIKE HIM!!! We may be the same age or a year younger because he graduated secondary school in 2014) [yup he is older than me by 6 months and just like his older brother, he is also very much into Star Wars and video games. But he seems more social than his bro. Haha xa na lang date ko 😂 Chad 2.0 chosss Chad introduce me to your bro para di tayo awkward sa work 😂 They are actually only 10 months apart, I wonder if they are close.]

Hmmmmm why am I such a stalker 😂

(7.6 update: nah saw his bro's IG and he seems like a fckboi, his DP is a mirror selfie of him shirtless, showing off his v line abs 😂)

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13/05/20

It's been a while. As of yesterday, he is fully back to work. We had a team meeting on Monday and he was on it. He said they gave him a laptop to work on. I had myself on mute so I was just listening to him. Yes I wanted to join in on the convo but I needed to stop myself. I need to distance myself until I fully move on from him.

Anyways, today, a case was assigned to me at around 8.30 in the morning. I didn't action it because the office was going mad with chats so I said I was gonna action it when I had a chance later on.

Then I noticed that it disappeared from my queue. I went to my closed cases and I saw that he had actioned it. I mean, I am not saying that he did it on his own free will, our TL may have asked him to go through our team's response received internal queue. Which is aight but this case was not originally mine, but one of his office broskis, na mean? So it's either he did not read the email thread at all or he just decided to close it in MY name. I mean he had to type my name and I wonder if he felt something. CHOSSSSSS 😂

But I'm telling you guys, ever since he got access again, my heart started fluttering again just like when I was still crushing on him, before I moved in front of him and he started giving me all these attention that made me fall in love with him.

I have been trying to move on. I even wrote a 7 page journal entry about my feelings. I've been super distracting myself by watching Kim Possible and staying away from sappy romantic shows 😂

I need more time to heal but it will be okay!

Update 14/5:

I got another case from the same broski, which he actioned yesterday and closed it under his broski's name but he closed the other one on mine.

Ugh why am I overthinking this again!!!

Chad please go away from my feelings 😩

15/5

Today, I helped him out with one of his cases.

He said 'thanks!' whereas the past few days, he's only been replying to people on our team with 'ty!'.

Made me overthink again but I was just being ridiculous 😂 'ty' tapos today sakin 'thanks', special ako chos 😂 honestly wasn't that bothered but okay! Stop giving me special treatment please 😂 don't treat me differently from others if you don't feel the same way because it's unhealthy for me 😂

Helped him again with another one and he said 'thanks!' again urgh. Swear tho, I was hesitating a bit when I was helping him. My heart was thumping again like it did before we started getting comfortable with each other 😭😭😭

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17/5/20

Exactly 2 months since I saw him and when he dropped me home.

Oh Chad. Will I ever be over you.

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18/5/20

Helped him with another case because no one was helping him so I was just being nice.

Bianca don't be marupok pls. You've been making progress. Don't relapse now.

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20/5/20

Another day of helping him out....

Basically he asked our group chat for help, no one replied for like 5 minutes so I said I'll help him.

Then he private messaged me about the case. He told me there were a lot and said "ahah". I should have joked around but I didn't or even asked him how he was 😭

But after I helped him, this was his reply:

Huhuhu parang ang happy nya na may tumulong sa kanya. Chad naman, don't do this to me! I am trying to move on 😭

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21/05/20

Haaaayy... Reading my messages again as soon as I post them. Chad Chad Chad ....

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26/05/20

He legit have not read messages on our office GC since 10.30 this morning. I messaged a few times around 3pm and he kept reading them. Ano ba kasi Chad.

Don't be scared of rejection, I know I may not be showing real signs but I am an awkward turtle, just talk to me.

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27/05/20

As usual no one was helping him again so I private messaged him and asked if anyone was helping yet.

His response:

Hahaha cute 😂 so I told him 'give me the deets, I'll send it up'.

He said 'ty!!', gave me the deets.

Then when I completed it, this was his reply:

Hahaha naloka na xa, double a. Choss. I replied with "anytime 😊" 😂 para konti landi to let him know na I am here to help anytime HAHAHAHAHAHAHA chos

BAKIT HIRAP MAG MOVE ON MGA BESH

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5/6/20

So I've been hesitating about posting this but about 2 days ago? I had a dream about him again. It wasn't just him in it but the dream mostly centered about him and I.

Basically, we there was a party in the office and for some reason, I was getting ready at my desk as in curling my hair (so weird 😂😂😂).

Then Chad decided to go out of the computer area, probs was on a break or something. Then my team decided it was a good idea to hide his baby yoda plushie so I hid it in my locker and when he came back, he kept looking for it and we were just laughing at him. 😂

That was it haha.

But you guys, I've been diligently praying for my vocation and I've been getting signs about marriage etc. What if he's the one? God, please give me more signs.

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15/06/20

So it's been a while. I've been helping him here and there over the last few weeks.

Today's response was "awesome, thanks!"

And that made me kilig inside. 😂

I am awesome, chos! 😂

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16/06/20

Just saw the July Schedule and he is taking 2 weeks holidays 😂

Lol fam watchu gonna do? 😂

Tara let's go on a date chos 😂

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24/06/20

I miss him ☹️ But I've been good with not thinking about him a lot but I just really can't wait to be able to ask him out in person hahaayyyy

Hmmmm I also suddenly wondered if he still has the card I gave him for Christmas. That was a cute card, €4 din un ha hahaha

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3/07/20

Yo wassup.

I had a dream, so we were back in the office. We were on the weekend shift and for some reason, I decided I was staying back for a bit more so he left before me.

Basically, from this dream, it seems that we were on minimal speaking terms. So like as he was leaving, at the computer area door, he said bye to me and idk why, I asked him to have dessert with me on Monday 😂 it was weird 😂

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12/07/20

Okur, I had a dream that he dropped me off again in Cherrywood, like just out of nowhere. Like all I remember was that we were walking to his car together.

He even opened my door and carried my bag and walked me to the front door. Haaayyy....

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14/07/20

So today, I was overthinking again.

Basically there was a post in work where an SME asked him to tag his team. He tagged me first over his broskis and that made me quite overthink again. Like the way he tagged our team was not as if it was alphabetical order. So why did he tag me first?

Hahah ako ung unang pumasok sa isip nya

Huhuhu ayoko naaaaa

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19/07/2020

So he is on his 2 weeks PTO from tomorrow.

Haaaaayyyyy miss ko na xa, bakit ba kasi ako ganito. Pero as long as he has not said that he is not interested in me, may chance pa rin tlga kami eh.

Wag lang tlaga xang umalis ng company and it will be grand.

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08/08/20

Been a while since this was updated, nothing's been happening between us so there is nothing to report. But anyways, lately I've been having (r-rated) fantasies about him 😂 argh I just want to be with him 😂

He's also started playing Fall Guys on the PS4, we have something in common na chos 😂

Also, there's an SME position in work and I have a feeling he might apply huhu if he gets it, he'll be level 12 and I won't be able to date him 😭😂

Honestly still think may something sila ng QA namin huhuhu

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16/08/20

So I told MF on the 14th of August about everything that has happened, like how I was getting mixed signals that made me overthink alot to me messaging him twice and being left on read, also how I plan on asking him out when we get to the office. (Also how he dropped me home.)

I told her how it's been very hard for me in the last 5 months, trying to move on from someone I don't even talk to. She was very understanding and told me that she also has not talked to Chad since WFH, as she was also left on read. She said he may not be the texty type because he's quite shy.

I was honestly shook. I thought they talk, even on our workplace chat because they are close in work. Cause I asked her if it was even a good idea for me to ask him out or if she knows if he's seeing someone because I don't want to intrude. I told her I want to take a risk with him but a part of me fears rejection.

She asked me if I ever thought about asking him out for coffee since things are opening up. I told her, yes but I don't think we are in that level where I could just ask him randomly.

So her plan is to build up a rapport with him again and find out the goss. I really hope she can build something up with him and that if ever, this time, there will be progress.

Until I know I have a chance with him, I can't move on. If he's seeing someone, then okay at least I'll know where I stand.

I'll let you know if there's progress.

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19/08/2020

So today, I helped him out with a case.

One of the internal tools was not working for him so he asked for help. I was the first to reply so I told him to send me the details and I'll do it.

When I did it for him, he said 'Perfect thank you!' and I just replied, "No worries 😊" landi landi with that emoji 😂 Wish we kinda had a conversation going though 😭 Wish I asked him how he was but it wasn't appropriate okay 😂

Haaayy can't wait to find out if he's dating anyone or when I'll see him again so I can ask him out. HAAAAAYYYYSSSS.

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9/9/20

So yesterday, I asked our group chat for help on a case. I didn't really expect that he would be the one to respond but he did and that was cute. Awww. ❤️

Looool I wish I could've thanked him personally but other people started helping me out so yeah. But for a brief moment, I was kilig haha

Really wanna ask him out already! But cases are rising again and I don't want him to use Covid as an excuse so I'll wait again until cases have slowed down.

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13/09/20

So today, I had a video call with MF. She told me that she got a new job 😭 meaning, she won't be able to be my wingwoman now 😭

I am happy for her but this cuts down all my chances with Chad 😭

But she did talk to Chad and he applied to the SME role apparently, I think he may have already been interviewed but he didn't hear back from them yet.

MF also said that we should meet up for a coffee date "with Bianca" and he said we should hahaha cmon MF make this a reality please so I can talk to him 😭