#this isn't very well written just my raw thoughts

[klavierpanda]

Yet another case of pop science warping the impression of physics in a negative way: spin in quantum mechanics.

I've spent this afternoon reading the relevant notes for my quantum mechanics lectures next week which are about spin. And actually it's not this allusive thing that makes no sense like it's so often portrayed as. Yes, it required a lot of work to get to this point but going through the maths and the motivation it actually makes a tonne of sense.

Seeing the maths and formalities behind quantum mechanics makes all the weird properties seem more intuitive. Yeah, they're bloody weird because we don't experience them on the macroscopic scale and so don't have much of a feel for them. And don't get me wrong, them being present as weird gives QM it's charm and certainly got me interested which is the whole purpose of pop science. But I feel like the way quantum mechanics is presented makes it seem very inaccessible and I feel like there is a way to present is in a more accessible way without requiring all of the maths.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish we would talk about the weirdness of quantum mechanics as a cool quirk more so than a barrier to understanding it.

[f-t-e]

I started watching SUPERNATURAL in November 2020. I know, I know. My partner and I had been isolating alone since March. The timing felt right. I went though a wild amount of upheaval and trauma over the next year and SPN was there for me through it all. It was THE show at THE time and it kept me afloat when I needed it the most. Since November 2021 I've written just about 110,000 words of SPN fanfic, a number that seems unbelievable to me, and that too has been a real blessing to my creative life, no matter what haters say. (why didn't I write my own novels in that time? Because I have a hobby, Karen, and I love it.) And I've read about 500000x that much fanfic, which has been the biggest blessing of all. (ETA: oh right, if you want to read my fic, you can find my stuff here, I wrote a fic where Dean reads books. Lots of books.)

I know I'm a nobody in this fandom but I thought on this, our #DestielDay, I would submit my own humble rec list. I've curated this very deliberately: every fic here has just about 4000 hits or less (most under 3000) and all were published in 2020 or after. So, sort of a rec list for some lesser known and newer fics, something you maybe haven't stumbled on yet. Especially thank you to @jewishcharliebradbury, her rec lists gave me a place to start back in the day and I have tried to model the depth and quality they brought to their lists. I tried to link to everyone's tumblr, but if I missed one, let me know.

Most of all, thank you to everyone who has EVER created something for this fandom, from 2005 to 2023. I am so thankful and, honestly, honored to be among your number. You're not supposed to be cringe and say a show saved your life...but SUPERNATURAL saved me, it really did. See y'all when the movie/reboot drops, to quote Ryan Gosling in The Notebook: IT WASN'T OVER, IT STILL ISN'T OVER. And I'm glad.

-----

Finale Fix-It & S15 and Beyond

What The Moon Was Saying by Amiril (@runawaymarbles)

This is hands-down one of the coolest “Dean Rescues Cas from the Empty” fics I have ever read and the concept is brilliantly structured to mirror the literal and metaphorical things Dean needs to give up and let go to get free. Every scenario is very satisfying and they make sense, is there any better feeling? Dean is very open in this, but in a believable way that still has edges. And, oh, the reunion is so good. Plus all the family stuff. Just excellent, exactly what you want in a fic like this: lovely, well-written, smart, fulfilling, all the pieces clicking, the show but better.

Awake and Annoying by skycruise

I love the use and passage of time in this one, it has some real impact, and I love the way Dean gets into the Empty (so smart, fits just right) and what I REALLY love in this one is the way it lets Dean be really clear-eyed and honest about his relationship with Sam, both the strengths and the weaknesses. And the last line, very clever and moving inverse of one of fandom’s favorite things. 

Living the life you chose by allthismusic

THEEEEE post finale Sam Winchester-Outsider-POV this fandom needs. Sam is absolutely awesome in this, the most believable, loving, realistic mix of “I knew all along” and “I had no idea” versions of Sam, landing somewhere I think that’s really true and in character. It fills in and develops so many gaps and silences in what the show let Sam know in the absolute best way. Best Brother Sam is a weakness of mine and he really shines here, there for Dean in the best ways but also coming into his own, I love it so very much. (this author also has a very great 2022 Big Bang fic, hugely recommend that one too.)

your ear to the wound that whispers by EmandFandems (@lazarusemma)

Who doesn’t love a HANDPRINT FIC?!? And boy this is such a good one. It follows Dean and his thoughts on the handprint from the first touch all the way to fixing the finale and it simply buzzes with longing and desire, tenderness and rawness. It’s great insight in lot of ways into Dean’s journey. It’s short but fulfilling and oh that very perfect last line. (this author also has a lot of great Jupernatural content.)  

Somewhere Off in the Dark by magickastiel 

Another awesome fic that traces Dean’s shifting/growing feelings for Cas from when he shows up in his hotel rooms to a HEA fix it after canon. Dean, again, is handled so deftly in this one, his confusion and sorrow at all the times Cas is slipping away from him all the way through the things he won’t let himself know. He feels really true in this one, sharp and tender in the best Dean ways. Also it has an agonizingly romantic end, you love to end up there.

Pins and Feathers by theskywasblue (@buttherewasnogod)

This author has so many freaking good SPN fics, omg it was almost impossible to pick just one to include on this list. Go treat yourself with their entire list because there’s so much good stuff there! But this one, oh I am a sucker for a finale fix-it that lets Dean be this tender. While I LOVE fics where he just jumps right into Cas’s arms (and write them lol) I also feel like this is so true to Dean too: that “maybe I misunderstood, maybe I shouldn’t say anything, maybe he doesn’t still –” And on top of all that, it’s a “they go the beach” fic and it gets the details of it so right, sand in your toes and all. Tender, amazing slow-burn, real, hot, full of heart and longing and everything unspoken and just waiting. Very satisfying!

i loved you first by kalmialatifolia

A set of four short fics that create an entire world of feeling and emotion. These feel like little whispered stories told under the covers, very atmospheric. There’s one very sexy one, a haircutting one (so good) and they’re just intimate. All together a great set and did I mention they’re in the “Cas saves himself” genre which is mmmm an underrated treasure.

no other faith is light enough for this place by anonymous 

A fix-it fic that has a particularly unique and beautiful visual of both how and why Cas comes back. The mechanics behind it are fairly standard but the way this author creates the visual of it, the sheer emotion and force behind it and how it happens, it really stood out to me and stuck with me. It’s Dean being brave enough to really feel and the way that just blossoms – lovely, aching, full-tilt wonderful.

 no proof, one touch by TakeThisWaltz (@watchinghimrakeleaves)

One thing I absolutely cannot get enough of is fic where Cas is hiding out from Dean in heaven. It just hits. And the only thing better is Dean chasing him down and the WAY he does it in this fic, methodically and – well the method (sobs) it is so endearing and OBVIOUS and gives Dean a chance to shout in all the best ways. This one is just real sweet and kind of goofy and if they have to be in heaven, I want them to still be these same two dorks.

Stay by redbrickrose

This is a post S15x18 from Cas’s POV and I think it’s very true to where he would be in the moment of getting yanked out of the Empty: resigned, hesitant about what he has in front of him, still a little in shock. And then. And then. Sweet and simple and Dean gets a chance to say, say, say it. This author has a good post series AU and a lovely little spate of S15 codas, all good. And then wrote this in real-time in the week after 15x18 Despair and right before 15x19 Inherit the Earth aired (could you just sob over the possibilities?!) and then hasn’t wrote anything since and that’s a shame but, like, yeah I get it.

like a one-two punch by Muir_Wolf (@muirmarie)

Don’t you love a short fic that feels like it’s a whole novel? This goes AU after 14x20 Moriah but it is a truly delightful twist on how Chuck could’ve reacted there and it makes Dean sharp as a knife, which is one really resonant image woven through this fic. Great imagery here and so many clever solutions for the lazy plotting of S15, including simply one of my all-time favorites in any fic ever solutions to Cas’s deal (genius) and getting rid of Chuck. Brilliant like a puzzle box yet still full of so much fucking joy.

maybe i like pleasure pain by tothewillofthepeople (@kvothes)

The fact that this was written in October 2023 and is so agonizingly good fills my heart with joy and tells me Destiel will never die lol. Cas, in particular, is great in this – he’s having a hard time adjusting to being in a body and with all the fuzz of the world. I love fics where Cas struggles with coming back from the Empty and this uses a really unique approach to it: Cas facing sensory overload and not knowing how to feel but wanting it all. Lovely, hot, Dean is just right in this too.

Earlier Canon (pre S15)

Proverbs 13:12 by starlingcas (@angelcasendgame)

Many might say I am biased because Renu has beta’ed everything I have written in the SPN fandom and they can read my brain and make everything I write better. But it’s not just that. Renu has done something beautiful and delicate in this fic, which is about Dean and Cas getting trapped in a net together (forced proximity trope, yes please) and weaves a web of its own; pulling you in just as they are pulled together. This is set mostly in early S14 (before fixing the finale in the most heart-healing way) and captures that feeling so well. There’s so much that’s unsaid between them yet still conveyed and Renu absolutely nails that, along with the tender longing that was always there. This is a fic to relish.

you may tire of me (as our december sun is setting) by deludedfantasy

You know how the show just sometimes is like “uh so anyway uh then Cas…uh…left.” and it just doesn’t make one lick of sense? FINALLY FINALLY a fic where Dean says “I’ll go with you,” and then goes because he actually would do that. This is a post Tombstone fic so it is exactly where/when he WOULD go and it is tender and hesitant and aching in just all the ways it would be between the two of them at this time. It’s about needing to keep someone in sight, it’s about having another chance to say something so important, it’s slow and soft and just right for the characters in this place. I could read this one about 100 times.

the anatomy of flightless birds by cowlovely (@dollhousemary)

This fic is basically the way you feel when you get all cozy and snug underneath your favorite blanket. This is a domestic-life-in-the Bunker S9 fic where everyone behaves like they are in character and not just like they have to get Cas off screen because the writers panicked. You’ll just want to curl up in this fic and savor it the way you wrap your fingers around a hot beverage on a very cold day, there’s no better way to describe it.

virtue by JenTheSweetie

I think I’ve read this about 100 times and it still gets me everytime? It’s a five things fic about Dean and Cas hooking up and it’s all you’ve ever wished for. This is set in an amorphous S8 and it is not just agonizingly hot but also romantic and very funny. It feels really in character! Sam is hilarious, Dean is clueless but bowled over and letting himself be swept up, Cas is delighting in every second and smarter than he lets on and it ALL feels fated and lovely and sexy and just splendid. (this author only has 3 SPN fics but they are all so good and if you try sometimes, well you just might find is an absolutely brilliant deconstruction of Dean learning the differences between “needing” and “wanting.”)

Romance at the Motel 6 by shelia_amour 

This fic makes me feel like Stefon from SNL. This fic has everything: Cas and Sam pretending to be married, just the right amount of jealous Dean, Dean randomly pretending to be married to Cas, Dean realizing maybe this isn’t so fake after all, motel vibes, Cas in Dean’s clothes, Cas getting bee slippers. If you are not sold on this already, we are very different people. So good, aches just right. (set in a kind of “whenever” of canon, but I like to put it somewhere in S8.)

que sera sera by Purple_Starflower (@hauntedpearl)

The epitome of how fanfic unfolds for us all the things that COULD happen. You can’t PROVE to me Dean and Cas never snuck off to snuggle and feed Dean’s touch-starvation early in S13. I had to check when I finished because I just couldn’t believe this fic was under 4000 words because it feels so full of touch, longing, the things unspoken, and all the ways Dean was reaching, reaching, reaching. The best kind of ache, and everything by this author is lovely. 

the hard edge that you’re settling for by lesspopped (@trekkiedean)

This is some S10 Demon!Dean that made my stomach hurt and my heart ache and I absolutely loved it and I absolutely hated it and it all felt so REAL with who Demon!Dean was and could have been. There’s a TW for mildly dubious consent in this, but to me, Cas was so agonizingly true to who he was/where he was at this point in canon too. This fic is gloriously, claustrophobically intimate. I say unbearable because as a reader you know that this closeness, this intimacy, is what Dean wants/craves/deserves but can only give himself as a demon and the author does an exquisite job at getting all that across. Hurts so good! 

four of swords by sundryvillians (eurythmix) (@perenial)

Can the world ever have enough post 12x12 fic? The answer is, of course, no. Dean and Cas bake bread and in the soft space of creating something with their own hands, get so close to the words Cas said. It’s about healing and anger and making something just because you are so tired of everything breaking. If that alone isn’t enough to convince you, let me also throw in this is another one of those “possible off-screen moments in canon” that gives them something honest and tender and raw and it feels so very possible. 

Fifteen Prayers From the Faithless by koyas_cat

Short, achy, that sweet sting. A set of prayers for Cas from the beginning to the end, full of all the things Dean doesn’t let himself say outloud and just reflecting the changes in their connection over alllll the years. So good.

[milkb0nny]

If you write for Jing Yuan, can I request angst with him being in love with Yanqing's biological mother (Reader) but she died asking him to take care of him? If this isn't up your alley or violates any of your boundaries please feel free to delete!

××× my shooting star ×××

Jing Yuan x fem!reader

Note: Thank you so much for this request! It was a very interesting and saddening experience. I hope I met your expectations. Have a lovely day and feed yourself with some wholesome content as well. 🤎

The night was quiet, illuminated only by the soft glow of the moon and the occasional twinkle of distant stars. Jing Yuan stood before your grave, his heart heavy with grief, even after a year had passed since the death of his beloved. Even though he loved you more than anyone else, he struggled to visit your grave. Your death haunts him, as he wished to see your smile one more time. The times he approached your grave, covered in flowers, it was a clear night. He raised his eyes to the lonely night-sky, watching as shooting stars streaked across the heavens, each one a painful reminder of the love he had lost. Each one a reminder he had to take care of your beloved son.

“My love,” he whispered, his voice trembling with emotion. "My shooting star, my dearest sweetheart, my darling. How I miss you."

The memories of you were still vivid in his mind – the warmth of your smile, the sound of your laughter, and the way you had filled his life with light and love. You had been his confidante, his anchor, and the love of his life. Never did he thought to lose you one day. Tears dwelled up in his honey colored eyes, a hurting smile crept over his lips and his shoulders hung low. He never wanted you to be apart from his side, he desired you every day. He prayed, he screamed, he cried so much, only for a last kiss.

A year had passed, but the pain remained as raw as ever. He had made a promise to you on your very own deathbed, a promise to care for your dear son, Yanqing. The young boy, with his mother's eyes and your cheerful spirit, was a constant reminder of the love he had lost. Regardless Jing Yuan loved Yanqing, he always did. There was no moment where he cursed him or accused him of reminding him of his loss. Jing Yuan was mature enough to use that negative energy and turn it into anticipation. The general wanted to make Yanqing stronger, so at least the young boy would never leave Jing Yuan’s side.

Jing Yuan had taken Yanqing under his wing, teaching him the ways of the world and the art of fighting, just as he had promised. He loved the boy as if he were his own, and Yanqing had become like a son to him. But despite the joy that the boy brought into his life, the pain of losing his lover was a wound that refused to heal. After all, Yanqing often visited Jing Yuan, expressing how he also suffered from his mothers death. Both men loved you: one as a strong, confident mother, the other as a beautiful, faithful wife.

Tears ran down, down Jing Yuan's soft skin, as he continued to watch the shooting stars. One after another, all of them being a potential wish for you to come back. Each of them harbored the hope to wake up and see you. Jing Yuan missed the mornings where he woke you up with caressing your arms and kissing you. He missed the evenings you three strolled through the market. He finally knelt beside her grave, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The pain this man owned ate his soul day by day.

“I can't help but wonder… why you had to leave me so soon, darling. I feel so lost without you. I can’t, I really can’t. You were my little fragile flower and I tried so… so hard to protect you. I still love you. I love you so much that my heart’s been hurting, bleeding and wanting to join you. My love…”

Jing Yuan traced a finger over the engraved words on the gravestone, as if seeking solace in the cold stone. Your name was written there but it had already withered with time. The rest of your tombstone was covered in blue and white flowers that Yanqing had always brought to you. Your son, your partner cared for you but handled it their very own ways.

“But, sweetheart, I will keep my promise," he vowed. "I will always care for Yanqing, just as you asked. I will make sure he grows up strong and wise, just like his mother. He is such a good kid, so strong to deal with your death." He cried out loud, sniffling and wiping away his tears. There were rare occasions where the grown up man sobbed, but when it was about you he never refused to bawl his eyes out. Where were you?

As he gazed up at the sky once more, another shooting star streaked across the heavens, as if in response to his words. Jing Yuan took it as a sign, a message from his beloved, reassuring him that you were watching over him from the stars above. Oh, what bright shooting star you were this cold night.

With a heavy heart, he stood up again, kissing a flower, then wiping away his tears. "I will carry your love in my heart always," he whispered, his voice cracking and breaking apart like shattered glass. "And I will find the strength to continue on, for you, for Yanqing, and for our love."

With one last lingering gaze at the night sky, he turned around, his back facing your grave, and walked away. His steps heavy but determined, as he faced another day without his beloved by his side. Before entering the front door of his residence, he looked up, to the brightest shooting star that caressed the sky this night. Naturally he smiled at that.

“My shooting star. I love you.”

After saying these words, he opened the door to find Yanqing sleeping on a chair. He always waited for Jing Yuan to show up before he head to bed. To Jing Yuan, he treasured it deeply. He softly woke his apprentice up. Tired eyes met the reddened eyes of Jing Yuan, though the younger one didn’t question why he had cried. He knew, they both knew well enough.

[sorcerous-caress]

👉👈 uhm could you maybe release a snippet of those fics? Please? 🥺

I’ve deleted and rewritten this ask like 5 times because I’ve never in my life requested smut let alone something like… well that.

-The Ex-Lurker

Anon I am very sorry to inform you that these snippest are as real as santa. I never work on more than one or two fics at a time. And even when I do, i immediately post them the second they're finished.

There is no easter bunny, no queen of England and no Shadowheart degradation snippets.

I have requests for Shadowheart degrading people that i plan on posting after I actually write them, which I have not.

Instead, have this piece I've written just for you as an apology for leading you on <3 i will do it again.

Shadowheart degrades you

[ Smut, degradation, overstimulation, nb!reader, Dom!shadowheart ]

The sound of your voice was all you could hear in the room, raw, breathless, and needy. Hearing the desperation in your own moans made you close your eyes in embarrassment.

"What's wrong?" Shadowheart's soft voice came from above you. Her hand went down to caress your head on her lap.

You choked on your own reply, your body squirming and twitching as yet another orgasm was forced out of you. Her hand between your thighs now drenched with your cum.

"Is it too much for your brain? Is that what this is about?" She didn't even give you a moment to rest before hand started moving again, the same brutal pace that she's been forcing onto you for an hour.

"If only you could see how pathetic you look right now." She didn't take her eyes off of your fucked out face on her lap, she seemed to revel in making you feel that burning shame of being watched.

She still had all of her clothes on, not a hair out of place, while you laid naked below her. She didn't even break a sweat while she continuously toyed and abused your most intimate areas into overstimulation.

"Just how many times did you make a mess already, and you're still cumming?" She stopped overstimulating you long enough to give the inside of your thighs a light slap, making your body jump as a loud whine escaped you.

She laughed, she was laughing at you.

Immediately, you felt yourself getting pushed to the edge of another orgasm, so fast too, you were really losing your mind.

"That pretty head of yours will probably be empty by the time I'm done with you." She caressed your head again, "you won't have any other purpose after. You'll be completely useless."

You were so close, you didn't care about your dignity anymore. You just wanted relief.

"Maybe I should invite all of our friends here, give them front row seats to your little show." She let you grind against her hand, cooing and chuckling as you made another mess, covering the insides of your thighs in your own cum.

But she didn't stop, instead, her hand went back to the same brutal pace if not faster.

The pleasure was too intense. It became too much and borderline painful. Your cries were ignored by Shadowheart as you begged and pleaded for a rest.

"A bitch in heat, that's what you are." The hand on your head pulled your hair in a painful grip as she brought your head closer to her face.

Her hand never stopped, you were full on crying from the burning pleasure. You couldn't control yourself, you couldn't control your voice and you couldn't stop from cumming endlessly on her hand. This was your punishment for overindulgence.

Isn't it her job to cleanse people of their sins as a cleric? Then consider this your atonement for being the whore that you are. For all the lust filled thoughts clouding your brain.

"Say, thank you." Her hold tightned on your hair, "thank me for treating you like you deserve to be treated, and I might let go."

Your nerves were on fire. You barely registered your own words as you thanked her as loudly as you can between your cries. Thanking her for giving a dirty pathetic whore like you the chance to repent and get cleansed.

Both hand let go of you, you head was dropped back into her lap.

"Turn around." She looked at you in disgust, "ass up, face down."

[farfromstrange]

Chaos Theory | Michael Kinsella x Reader

Chapter 25: Wondering If I Just Lost The Love Of My Life

Masterlist ° Chapter List

Pairing: Michael Kinsella x Reader (she/her)

Summary: After your conversation with Frank, you start spiraling, and you find yourself at Jimmy's house, looking desperately for answers. Michael isn't too happy about that.

Warnings: ANGST, cursing, snooping around, snakes, allusions to child abuse & PTSD, Michael is pissed (and maybe a bit mean), rough grabbing of the arm (Is that a warning?), fighting, crying, semi-break up

Word Count: 8.6k

A/n: WOHOO I'M BACK!! Anyway, this chapter is only the beginning of this angst plot line, so... Don't hate me.

Tick, tick, tick…

One hour turns into two. Two hours turned into three. You’re alone, stuck in a house that isn’t yours, holding pictures of your sister who you haven’t seen in years in your hands because the man you chose to fall in love with has a family set out to destroy you; and for what? Because they aren’t happy with an adult man’s decisions?

Your life feels like it was written by a sadistic author; far more sadistic than yourself. You can’t keep up anymore.

Just a few months ago, you were somewhat happy working your ass off for some money at the Butterfly Effect. You made the process of brewing coffee for customers your life, and you enjoyed it. You fled your home to chase your dream of being a writer. What else are you supposed to do with your degree, anyway? And you were on a good path, saving money and trying to find an agent, but then Michael walked into your life. 

You don’t want to say that he ruined everything. You love him. You love him more than you have ever loved anyone, which is horrifying in itself, but you can’t deny that your life may have been a little easier if he hadn’t come into the shop that morning. If you hadn’t allowed yourself to get attached. Now, you’re involved with a family who is swimming against the flow of legality—and what scares you most about all of this are the thoughts you keep having that perhaps the Kinsellas could help you in a way not even the police ever could. 

You’re pressed against the wall next to the dining table, and your lungs keep forgetting that they are supposed to supply your body with life-sustaining oxygen. Every now and then, your eyes drift to the pictures in your hands. A tear rolls down your cheek, landing on the paper. It magnifies the size of your father’s face, and the memories that hit you at full force leave you clawing at the wood of the nearest chair. 

You were doing so well. You were an awkward barista with a safe future to look forward to. Now, you’re a barista using up all of her sick days because she isn’t allowed to leave the house of her Irish boyfriend—who just so happens to be part of an organized crime family. It sounds like the plot of a bad novel, but to you, it is very much real. 

Time was on your side until it wasn’t, and you have reached a point where desperation seems too kind of a word to explain what you’re feeling. Raw, unbridled anger fills your veins; the need to take the next plane out of Dublin is all-consuming, but you can’t be irrational. Not now. Michael was right about that part. 

You can’t help who you fall in love with, you know as much. Michael is damaged, but he’s yours. He is so human, you wish you could wrap him up and shield him from the world forever. From his family. From the pain. From the uncertainty. You wish you could grab him, your bags, and his daughter and run far away from this city. But those are wishes that seem too far away to even grasp.

If you have to get involved to prevent the worst from happening, you don’t have much of a choice but to do so. You only have one more thing left to lose, and she means the world to you. Breaking the rules—the law—seems like the lesser evil compared to waiting for the hourglass to run out of sand.

With shaky fingers, you dial the number you have dialed a few days ago. It’s still in your caller list. 

The line clicks, and the woman at Scotland Yard’s front desk answers again. It’s the same as last time. “Uh, hi,” you stammer into the speaker. “I called a few days ago, but I haven’t received an answer yet. I need to speak to Inspector Jones. It’s urgent. Would you mind connecting me with his office?”

Silence follows. Either she is taking a very pregnant pause to tell you something completely opposite of what you want to hear, or she is checking something in her system. You do hope it is the latter option. But of course, luck is still not on your side. 

The woman utters your name in the lowest tone possible. “Inspector Jones told me to inform you that he does not want to take your call,” she says. “He put you on his, uh, no-call list. I’m sorry, Miss. I wish I had better news.”

Her apology doesn’t bring back the hope he so mercilessly crushed in his bare hands and left it there, dying on the side of the road. Her apology doesn’t bring back your sister or supply you with the information on the case only Richard Jones has. He used to be so helpful when it happened. He told you that you could always call him. 

The question that nags you is, what changed? You haven’t called him in years, and now he suddenly acts like you’re the plague personified? It doesn’t sit right with you, but as soon as you’re on the no-call list, there is no way you can get through to him. 

You don’t wish her goodbye. You don’t tell her, ‘Oh no, it’s alright,’ because it isn’t alright. You hang up without another word, your phone slipping from your hand onto the floor. 

Swallowing a sob, you decide to pull yourself together. Michael keeps his laptop in the living room—though you suppose not always. You flop down on the couch with a huff. Of course, the device is password-protected. A picture on one of his shelves catches your eye, and you reach for it. Part of you is screaming to stop because looking at a picture of his daughter feels like an invasion of privacy, but you can’t listen to the left side of your brain. You turn it around, in search of the right combination of numbers. 

Anna’s birthday. It sounds so obvious—too obvious for a man as careful as Michael—but as soon as you type the numbers into the bar and hit enter, his laptop unlocks. 

“So predictable,” you mutter.

Instead of finding his desktop though, you stare right at an open folder you are sure is not meant for your eyes. It is also protected by a password, which you can tell by the little lock following the icon, but Michael must have forgotten to close it.

You should close the folder, open a browser, and do what you intended to do—write an email to forego the no-call list and guilt-trip Inspector Jones into finding the balls to contact you back. It is a desperate attempt that might get you a restraining order, but you have to try. For that, Michael would surely not be mad at you. If you start snooping though…

Your eyes have a mind of their own, following an instinct as old as time. You can’t help yourself. You tilt the screen back, and you take a closer look. 

The idea is so maddeningly risky your stomach churns at the thought of the possible consequences of your actions, but who else is going to tell you the truth if you don’t find out yourself? Michael doesn’t want to drag you into his mess as you’re dealing with your own, and while you get that, you are so far beyond common sense that you need to know what the man you love is involved in. You need to know what his family is involved in. If you don’t, you’re sure curiosity might actually kill you. 

You tried to avoid getting caught up in the dangers of the Kinsella family; you should have known that trying and succeeding hardly ever go hand-in-hand when it comes to your mess of a life.

You know Michael. You know how careful he is when it comes to dealing with delicate matters. He told you he didn’t want to get swept up in his family’s bullshit again, but as you look at what’s in front of you, you’re not so sure he told you the truth. 

The file contains mostly recollections of the family business. Drugs, weapons, larceny—not that it would ever change the way you feel about him, even if he did lie to you. This is not the worst you have seen, and it surely won’t be the last piece of dramatic information that will ever pass before your eyes. 

What catches your attention is the mention of Jamie, the record of his death, and a stolen autopsy report. And among all of that, you find a name Michael and Jimmy threw at each other’s heads the other day. Your hand still hurts just thinking about it. 

A loud thud echoes through the house when you forcefully shut the laptop. Every nerve in your body is burning itself alive. Your soul can’t withstand the storm of your emotions. The truth hits you. Around you, the world is falling apart, and you are unable to move anywhere but further into the chaos. 

Michael came into the café months ago because he was in desperate need of a reprieve—he was the butterfly that flapped its wings over in Asia—and now you are on the verge of getting caught up in something that you will never be able to get out of again; it is a catastrophe waiting to happen. 

Destiny and karma are very real phenomena, but so is the Butterfly Effect. Instead of innocent coffee though, you are staring into the face of disaster, and you have no idea what to do. 

An idea pops into your head. You shouldn’t seek out trouble. You really, really should not, but not even five minutes later, the door to Michael’s home falls shut behind you as you take determined steps next door. Not across the street, not to your car but next door.

The realization that Michael might never forgive you for putting yourself in this position moves to the back of your mind. You promised him not to do anything stupid while he was gone, but you knew from the start that you would never be able to keep that promise. 

Your feet are rooted to the ground as you ring the doorbell. At first, you receive no response. Just when you figured that you must have misinterpreted the movements in the neighboring home that you caught through the bedroom window earlier this morning, the gate opens, and you snap out of the endless spiral of your thoughts.

“What’re you doin’ here?” Jimmy asks, his eyes trailing over your disheveled frame on his doorstep. 

Your eyes are red and swollen, and your outfit consists of a pair of Michael’s sweatpants and a shirt, but you weren’t planning on winning a fashion contest anyway. Jimmy deserves to see how miserable you are. Maybe then he will let you in.

He raises his eyebrows. “What? Came to hit my wife again? Last time wasn’t enough for ya?”

You let out an exasperated sigh, trying to hold contact with his dark eyes. “I need to talk to you,” you state matter-of-factly.

He eyes you again. “You look like shit.”

“Then I look better than I feel.”

“Hm. Does Michael know yer here?”

You expected him to snap at you—to lecture you—but that moment never comes.

You swallow thickly, then shake your head. “I’m here for answers,” you say. “And I feel like out of everyone in this family, you’re the only one who’ll be honest with me.”

“Why d’ya think I’d do that?” Jimmy asks.

“‘Cause you don’t like that I’m fucking your brother. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you couldn’t care less about what happens to me, which means that you also don’t feel the need to protect me or my delicate feelings.”

His lips curl into a smirk. As different as they are when it comes to their behavior, it is obvious that Jimmy and Michael are related. 

“I’m so sick and tired of not knowing. Not understanding. Not…not being in control.” Your lip quivers, and you bite down on it for a moment. “You didn’t act on Frank’s offer to threaten someone you don’t even know, so a twisted part of me feels like I can trust you. I won’t apologize for falling in love with your brother because despite what you all believe, he is an incredible man and he deserves the world. But loving him put my sister’s life at stake, and I need to know what I’m getting myself into before I lose her too. I–I just...I need five minutes. Please. And then I’ll be out of your hair, I promise.”

Against all odds, Jimmy steps aside, motioning for you to enter. The house is as luxurious as you expected. High walls, big windows, and cool tones. The nature of your visit, however, only fills you with a sense of uneasiness. 

You close the door behind you and follow Jimmy down the hallway. You wouldn’t dare push your luck by saying something uncalled for.

Now that Jamie’s dead, you understand why Michael always seems so stuck in thought. The stakes are higher. You try to find a sliver of understanding for why Birdy was so cautious with you and asked you all the questions that you saw as a personal attack. She wanted to protect you, and maybe that is true, but she let Frank’s actions slide for a little too long and you don’t know if you can forgive her for that.

She ended up attacking you personally even if that was never her intention, and she let her brother attack everything you hold dear by trying to protect her own family, and that is not something you can let slide.

Jimmy walks up to a set of stairs that lead into the basement. You’re hesitant at first, standing at the top of the steps and staring down at him with narrow eyes. “Are you going to kill me?” you bluntly ask. 

He rolls his eyes. “Unarmed,” he says. “You can check me. I’m not carryin’.”

“What if there are guns down there?”

“There are, but I’m not gonna use ‘em to hurt ya. Michael would cut off my head and feed it to the dogs.”

You huff, but you eventually cave and follow him down the stairs. You hear him mumble something about you being complicated, and maybe you are, but can anyone blame you? You feel like you just walked into the lion’s den. Perhaps you are insane. 

You function on a very determined autopilot that wants you to do things you would never have done a few weeks ago, and you have no choice but to follow or else you will bang your head against the wall; Michael really shouldn’t have left you alone. 

The basement resembles a second living room. A leather couch stands against the wall to the right, and Jimmy has a collection of free weights to choose from to work out. There is even a pool table and a fridge you suppose holds liquor only. It must be the family’s layer for when they get together and discuss whatever a family like them has to discuss. 

Looking further, you notice the terrarium in the middle of the room. It’s gigantic. You step a little closer. The yellow anaconda is easy to spot. You don’t doubt it could strangle you if you put it around your neck. It is surely thick enough to crush your windpipe in an instant.

“Drink?” Jimmy asks from somewhere behind you.

You shake your head. “I’m good.”

He hums. You can hear the sound of ice cubes hitting a glass, and he pours whiskey over it. 

“You like snakes?”

You look at him, and then back at the snake. “I find them fascinating,” you state. 

“They’re fascinatin’ creatures, alright,” he says. “You wanna hold her?”

You don’t miss a beat, “Absolutely not.”

“Okay.”

You stand there in silence for a while, just watching the anaconda move her large body around her transparent living quarters. She sticks out her tongue. If you could talk to animals, you wonder what she would tell you. What has she witnessed in this room? The snake knows all the answers to the questions you are asking yourself.

“Why Michael?” Jimmy breaks the silence.

“He’s a good man,” you answer. It doesn’t require much thought. “I told you. He’s a much better man than you give him credit for.”

“A good man has no place here.”

“Who are you to judge that?”

He scoffs. “You have any idea what yer gettin’ yourself into?” 

“I knew from the moment I found out who he was. That doesn’t change how I feel about him.”

“Fuckin’ hell.” 

“If you’re going to tell me that it’s my fault that I got caught up in all of this, save it. I’m well aware of that.”

“Then why are you still here?”

“Because I love him!” your voice echoes in the spacious basement. “I love Michael with all my heart. So much it hurts. I would do anything for him because you failed him over and over again, and he deserves so much better than you useless lot.”

Taken aback by the force of your words without actively yelling at him, Jimmy lowers his glass. He stares at you with a mixture of surprise and bewilderment in his eyes, and you’ve seen that look in Michael’s eyes one too many times. You want to smash something, but that would only make matters worse, and you really didn’t come to cause a scene.

Jimmy infuriates you in a way not many men have managed. You want to hit him, give him a shiner that will rival the one his wife is probably carrying, but realistically, you don’t stand much of a chance against this man. He is strong. He could feed you to his anaconda if he wanted to. Even if Michael would behead him, he would do anything to save himself. He is the epitome of selfishness, and you refuse to stoop low enough to be on his level.

You take a deep breath, lowering your voice again. “But I’m not just here because I love Michael. I’m here because your uncle decided that he had to let out his disdain for me on an innocent child,” you say.

“I’m not okay with that either,” Jimmy cuts in. “I don’t have control over Frank’s actions. I lost my son–”

“I’m aware, and I am so sorry for your loss, I am. I know how it feels to lose a child because my father killed my little sister and while she wasn’t my biological daughter, I was the one who raised her. And I raised Maya too. So, even if I left, even if I broke Michael’s heart and gave you what you so desperately want, my sister would still be in danger. My father would still be running free. And I’d still have no choice but to stay here because thanks to you, I am in danger too and Michael refuses to let me leave.”

A sigh leaves his parted lips, and he empties his glass. 

“This isn’t about me, Jimmy. It never has been. Not for me, at least. This is about Maya as much as your insecurities are about Michael. Except that Maya is a human being who has nothing to do with any of this. Not with Michael, not with you, and not with your godforsaken family. You don’t have to remind me how awful of a human being I am—I’m well aware of that myself, trust me, but I won’t stop trying to get answers until I have found a way to make sure she’s okay. That she’s safe. That I can get her back and end this once and for all because Frank didn’t leave me a fucking choice.”

You pull the pictures out of your coat. “He came to the house earlier. Gave me those. He said he told his men to leave her alone, but who’s to say that he didn’t already do irreversible damage?” you say. “I don’t know why Michael being happy is such a huge inconvenience to you, but I don’t care. I care about my family. Now, you can either help me or not, but don’t act like you have any right whatsoever to lecture me. You don’t even fucking know me.”

Jimmy takes the photographs. His eyebrows furrow slightly as he stares down at them. A drop of condensation from his glass drops on the paper, the same spot your tears dried into.

Your chest still heaves with every breath you take. “Jimmy,” you growl. The silence drills into your skull. 

When he finally opens his mouth, his voice resembles a steady tune. “I don’t stand behind Frank,” he says. “Not on this. He shouldn’t have done it.”

“I am well aware of that, thank you.”

“None of us knew yer story. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. For Frank, for Birdy—hell, I’m even sorry fer how Amanda treated you. If I’d known…”

“Would you’ve stopped her?” you counter. 

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter now.��

“It matters to me.”

“There are ways to get rid of someone without puttin’ anyone in unnecessary danger. That’s all I’m gonna say.”

His expression is set in stone. You can’t determine whether or not he’s lying to you.

“Did Michael offer ya his help?” Jimmy asks then. “Regarding your, uh, father.”

You blink a few times, wondering if he really just asked you that. But you swallow your doubts, straighten your shoulders, and you nod. “Yeah, he did,” you say.

“Offered t’put a protective detail on her? Kill the bastard?”

“Something along those lines.”

“Then why hasn’t he?”

“Because death would be too kind for that man.”

The faintest smirk starts playing on his lips. “Can’t blame ya,” he states. 

“Of course not,” you retort. “I won’t stoop to my father’s level. He deserves to be put in prison for the rest of his life. A bullet to his head would end his suffering, and I refuse to let him down that easily.”

“Is that why you came here?”

You shake your head again. “I need answers.”

“Why wouldn’t Michael give them to ya?” Jimmy cocks an eyebrow. “He’s fuckin’ obsessed.”

“He may love me, but he has a protective instinct that makes it almost impossible for me to get the whole truth out of him,” you explain. “Michael wasn’t there when Frank came over. Perhaps because he knew Michael wouldn’t be there. He caught me off guard. I was vulnerable, and he used that against me.”

He tilts his head. “What did he say?”

“Just that he put an end to what he started. But I can’t believe that, now can I? He’d already started it.”

“You’re a lot smarter than I thought.”

Your lips part in a bitter scoff. “I found some things on Michael’s laptop,” you tell him. “I need to understand what I got myself into here. Maybe find some common ground. In my mind, after everything that went down at Birdy’s house, you’re the least untrustworthy, and while we may not be the best of friends, I can’t limit myself to what Michael thinks is right. Take it as a compliment or don’t, but I’m desperate here.”

He murmurs your name as he makes his way over to the open bottle of whiskey to pour himself another glass. His steps are careful.

You are well aware that you should tread carefully, and Jimmy seems to be on the same page as you that this is a bad idea, but you were desperate and you saw no other choice. You would have crawled up the walls of Michael’s empty house if you had waited, staring at the bullet holes in the walls and wondering if you would end up dead at the end of this the same way his wife did; or if you’d merely lose everything you’ve ever loved and be left with nothing else left to give.

“Who’s Eamon?” you blurt out. 

Jimmy stops dead in his tracks. You hit a nerve. Seemingly with a sledgehammer, too.

“Because from what I heard and what Michael has on him, he’s a perilous man.”

“Fuck!” Jimmy curses under his breath.

“Please, I just want to know. What is Michael caught up in?”

“We’re all caught up in it.” The tone of his voice has changed and switched to a more dangerous octave, and it sends shivers down your spine. “Eamon—Eamon fuckin’ Cunningham had my son killed, and Michael thinks he’s too good to help us get back at him because of Anna. That’s what.”

Your eyes soften. “I’m sorry, I—”

“He’s our supplier. Drugs. If ya really wanna know. Changed his business model. Wants us t’be his bitches. He’s a power-hungry bastard, that one. I didn’t wanna cave, but then Jamie—and Frank—”

With an animalistic growl that resembles a string of curses, he wipes the small table before him clean. The contents shatter on the ground, scattering millions of pieces of glass around the basement floor. You flinch.

The echo of his shout remains stuck to the walls. One of the shards scratches your forearm—not nearly enough to draw blood—before hitting the ground. The force causes the bottle to implode, and the crystal glasses break beyond repair the second they hit the ground.

You want to tell him that Michael doesn’t owe him anything. You want to tell Jimmy that none of this is Michael’s fault, but you have enough empathy to know when to speak and when to just be silent.

Grief is an unpredictable monster.

Jimmy takes a deep breath, then turns back around to face you. “I dunno what I can tell ya, but this family isn’t safe for someone like you,” he says. It sounds as though he actually cares, but you see right through him this time. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” you answer, trying to pick your words with an incredible amount of care; don’t raise your voice, don’t shout at him, just tell him what’s on your mind in a way that is respectful and he might not lash out at you. “But Michael is fresh out of prison, trying to find himself a place in this world. I understand why he said that he can’t help you execute whatever revenge you have planned for whoever did this to your son. And I understand that this business you’re in is dangerous for every party involved, but that doesn’t deter me.”

Across the room, he meets your eyes. 

“I knew what I was getting myself into from the start,” you emphasize. “Michael promised me I’d be safe, and I trust him with my life, but now your family put my sister in danger, and we have to find a way to put an end to this mess because I refuse to let your little family dispute ruin my life. Michael can’t help me as he promised when he can’t manage to separate himself from you. Finding that file proved to me that he may have said that he’s done, but he isn’t, so I might as well accept that I’m not getting out of this either.”

He exhales, wiping his sticky hands on his trousers. “I underestimated ya,” he says. “But I suppose that’s what happens when your father’s a bastard.”

You shrug. “I just can’t run when you’re my only hope.”

Jimmy chuckles. “If we’re your only hope, I feel bad for ya.”

“Believe me, I feel plenty bad for myself already, but if I’d waited and told Michael about my plans, he wouldn’t have let me come here, and I still wouldn’t be much smarter than I was this morning.”

“Would you do somethin’ for us then? If we helped ya?” he asks. 

One hand washes the other, right?

The words for an answer get taken out of your mouth by the sound of the front door slamming shut. 

“Where is she?” Michael’s voice breaks through the ceiling. 

Your eyes widen. You have heard him feral before—when he was holding the gun to Frank’s head and threatened him, his voice lowering, barely above a whisper but every word as forceful as the next. His silent anger is the most dangerous form. It did something to you to see the man you love so livid because he saw your life at stake. 

You weren’t scared of him, you couldn’t possibly be, but the thought alone spikes the adrenaline in your veins, and your mind screams for you to run. It is the kind of effect he wants to have on people when he is angry; it is the type of effect he has on everyone because one looks at his fuming self and anyone would want to cower in the corner and cry. And maybe it makes your thighs clench just a little because no amount of fury could take away from how attractive this man is. But that is not the first thought that crosses your mind now.

The stairs creak with every heavy step Michael takes into the basement, and you hold your breath. Fuck. 

Jimmy stares at the mess on the floor, then back at you. You wonder if he’s scared that he might be the next in front of Michael’s gun. He surely didn’t hesitate when it came to Frank. Who knows if he would draw the line at his brother, but from what you have gathered from their relationship, there is a chance he won’t. 

“Jimmy,” is the first word on his lips when he makes it downstairs. His eyes are wide, pupils blown, and his fists clench at his sides. The cuddly teddy bear you said goodbye to this morning has disappeared completely under an iron veil. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” Michael sneers. 

Your first instinct is to step between him and his brother. Only then does he seem to take a look at you. You meet his brown eyes, your palms extended to press against his chest. 

“Easy,” you murmur. You don’t see the need to snap at him. 

He takes you in, his clothes hugging your curves just right, and in an instant, his large hands are cupping your face. “You alright?” he asks, and the fury is gone for a moment as he checks you for injuries. As though he truly believes that his brother would hurt you. 

You nod. “I’m fine, I promise. I—”

Michael cuts you off. He pulls you to his side, almost behind himself, glaring at Jimmy. “Why’s she here with ya, huh?” Again, his demeanor changes. “She didn’t do anythin’! Frank put her life in danger, and you still treat her like a fuckin’ intruder?”

“Hold up, Michael. No,” Jimmy says. His shoulders broaden as he takes a step forward. “I didn’t–”

“Yes, ya fuckin’ did,” Michael interrupts him. “If you hurt or threatened her in any way, I swear to God—”

“No!” you raise your voice slightly, only enough to catch his attention. His head whips toward you. “He didn’t ask me here,” you confess. “I came here to talk to him, not the other way around. Jimmy…he didn’t do anything. I’m okay, baby. Please.”

His eyebrows furrow, trying to make sense of your words, and he slumps. He turns to you, his hand on your bicep, and he asks, breathlessly, “You what?”

The emotions in his eyes are a whirlwind that burns through the guilt in your stomach. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I had to.”

“Had to what?”

“Come here. Frank came over, and he gave me the pictures he was planning to use to blackmail me, telling me about how he told his men to back off, but—”

Michael snatches them from Jimmy’s hands, his knuckles white with how hard he is gripping them. 

“I was going crazy,” you say. “I called Scotland Yard, but Inspector Jones put me on his no-call list, so I thought I would write him an email. I was going to use your laptop, but you…you must’ve forgot to close one of the folders, and I accidentally started scrolling, and—”

“Jesus!” He shakes his head. “And you went t’ Jimmy about that?”

“I didn’t have a choice, okay? You said you didn’t want to get involved in anything illegal again, for Anna’s sake, but you lied to me. I don’t blame you. I know I’m not getting out of this, and I don’t want to because you mean the world to me, so I thought I could talk to Jimmy and we could find a compromise. After Frank…I didn’t think there was time to be rational about this. I’m sorry, Michael. I know you told me to sit tight, but I had to.”

“Five hours,” he growls. “You couldn’t wait five hours?”

Jimmy pipes up. “She was curious about Eamon,” he says. “I gave her the answers she was lookin’ for because you wouldn’t.”

Michael’s grip on your arm tightens, and it stings. You try to free yourself, but he won’t let you. 

“Whatever you two discussed,” he snarls, “It’s off the table.”

You glare at him. “What?” 

His fingers dig into your sensitive flesh. “Off the table, pet. You’re not gettin’ involved with this family.”

“What do you mean, I’m not getting involved with this family? I already am!”

“The fuck you are.” He drags you toward the door. 

“Michael,” you choke out, “you’re hurting me.”

You have never seen him like this, and you never would have thought he would grab you like this. 

He loosens his grip, but it’s still not enough to free you from his grasp. “I’m sorry,” his voice is barely above a whisper. 

You scoff. He may be sorry for hurting you, which you know was unintentional because he often underestimates his power, but he isn’t sorry for treating you like a child because he is still pulling you toward the stairs. 

“Michael,” Jimmy stops him. “Maybe we could talk ‘bout this?”

“No. You can get fucked!”

“Jesus,” you snap at him. 

“Home,” Michael tells you. “Now.”

His house isn’t even home to you, but you don’t have a choice. And as you make your way next door again, a feeling settles in the pit of your stomach. A feeling that makes you sick. 

Are you actually scared of him? Meeting his eyes once the door is closed behind you though, you can’t stop imagining your father in front of you, and it makes your heart race up to your throat.

Michael raises his hand to his forehead, the other resting on his hip. “Fuck!” He doesn’t say it to you. He would never. 

He is trying to get rid of his anger to have a normal conversation—to talk this through because he doesn’t understand why you would put yourself at risk like that—but your brain doesn’t function the way it did this morning. To you, he is cursing at nothing but you.  

You see his hand out of the corner of your eye, and you flinch. Your entire body recoils, and the air changes. He seems to realize what he did almost instantly. You hug your arms around yourself, avoiding his eyes, hoping you won’t cry, but the tears are treacherous as they start to pave their way forward. It burns.

“I—I’m sorry,” he says, and his voice is soft again. His hand is gone, but oh, you can’t open yourself up to him again. “My love, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think.” He takes a step forward. 

He didn’t, and he still isn’t thinking, it seems. You take a step back. He is suffocating you. 

“I’m not angry,” he tries again. “I just wanna understand…”

You swallow thickly. “I explained it to you,” the words flow out in a monotone line. 

“Why Jimmy? Why?”

“If I’d asked you, would you have told me the truth?” You meet his eyes, and it hits him like a strike of lightning. “If I’d asked you about the folder, about what the fuck is going on, would you have answered or would you have tried to keep me out of it?” you ask again. 

Michael gnaws at his bottom lip. “I told ya we’d find a way. We’d make a plan,” he says.

He is diverting. He can’t give you the answer you asked of him, and somehow that breaks your heart. It drills a sharp knife through your ribs, causing you to bleed out in front of him. 

“There is no other way,” you argue.

“There is always another way.”

“Not in this case, there isn't.”

“I cannot have you doing dirty work for my family. Fuckin’ Christ!” The whisper turns into a desperate plea, “Why can’t you see that?”

You wipe your cheeks with a furious index finger. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you fucked me.”

“Sorry?” He is taken aback by your tone of voice.

“You made me fall in love with you, knowing that being with you would put me in danger,” you cry. “I’ve always been okay with it, but you have to stop coddling me like I’m a child. I’m a grown woman. I can make my own decisions.”

“This isn’t fair,” he says. “I’m just tryin’ to keep ya safe.“

“But I’m not the only one who matters.”

“You’re the only one who matters to me!”

The silence that washes over you is charged to the maximum. Michael’s words echo in your mind. 

“I know you love your sister,” he murmurs, “but you promised not to make any rash decisions.”

“I know,” you reply coolly.

“You should’ve waited. You should’ve talked t’me.” Michael shakes his head.

You sniffle. You can’t look at him. “So you own me now, huh?” 

“No, that’s not—”

“You say you want to protect me, to keep me safe, but has it ever crossed your mind, even for a second, that I don’t want to be saved?”

His chest heaves with the breath he inhales. His hands remain on his hips. He fiddles with the fabric of his sweater—he always does it when he’s nervous, or when he’s fuming. You watch his body language and read it like an open book, but there is a distance between you. You thought maybe he would be a little pissed, but this behavior is worse. It tears your soul apart, piece by piece.

Again, he inhales, and he exhales again. “You’re reckless,” he states. Somehow though, he makes it sound like an accusation. 

“So what?” you retort.

“So what? Are you even listening to yerself?”

“Don’t snap at me.”

“I’m not—” he clenches his jaw. “Trust me, if I snapped at ya, it would sound a lot different. I’m just tryin’ to figure you out ‘cause I can’t fuckin’ read ya right now.”

You offer a sarcastic hum. You don’t have to think far to find the words. They are right there on the tip of your tongue. “Maya’s living with a monster who would raise hell if he found out the truth. The same monster who tortured me. The same monster who murdered my sister. Now, I feel like I’m being followed everywhere I go,” you say. “The family of the man I love would rather see me fall than accept me. I can’t go back to London. I can’t go home. I can’t…I can’t even go back to work.”

You sniffle again. “Brewing coffee used to be my life. I was working toward being something more. Someone more. I was writing, I was being creative, and I was somewhat happy. I had a plan, you understand?” With every word out of your mouth, your voice rises to new volumes. “I had a plan to get my revenge eventually and move on, but now...now my life is whatever this shit is, and I hate it. Okay? I hate it.”

You’re not angry; you’re broken, but saying it out loud won’t move mountains, and when the last word passes your lips, still nothing has changed. It won’t change. You can pray, you can beg, and you can scream at the sky in hopes that someone—anyone—will hear you, but it is a losing game. Life is a losing game.

Michael whimpers in the back of his throat. “Don’t,” he begs.

“I hate—” You stare up at the ceiling. The tears taste salty on your tongue. 

“Stop it.”

“I hate it here, Mikey.”

God, he knows that you only call him that when you feel like you have reached a dead end, but this time, he can’t save you; he, himself, has reached a dead end that he can’t escape from, and the ocean between you is far too broad to cross. You sob, and he wants to sob with you. 

“I hate what my life has become,” you cry softly. Your soft cries are the most painful to listen to. “And I hate that loving you hurts so fucking much I can’t breathe.”

This conversation feels oddly familiar. As if you have had it before. As if it is a daily occurrence as your demons fight against each other for dominance.

“I wish I could change that,” Michael whispers back to you. He is so far away, yet you still hear him perfectly.

You shudder. “Make me hate you, you mean?”

“No, not that. Although yes, sometimes.”

“I wish I could hate you sometimes, too,” the admission rolls off your tongue like a bullet from a gun. 

He nods. His eyes never leave your fragile frame, barely holding on by a thread. “I wish I could take it all away from ya,” he says. “The fear, the pain... And I wish it were easier to protect those you love. But I dunno how. And I dunno how t’be…better.”

A better man, he wanted to say. Better for you, better for Anna, and better for anyone else. Michael feels unworthy of your love. He had hope; for a few days, he had hope, but hope never lasts long with him. It always dies because everything he touches eventually withers like a fragile flower. He doesn’t say it though. He doesn’t know how.

You sniffle, shaking your head. “You don’t have to be better. I just need you to understand,” you say.

“I do,” Michael insists. “I do understand.”

“I’m glad you do, but I don’t. I need a chance at ruining the life of the man who caused so much damage I don’t even know what has become of me. I want to ruin his life the same way he ruined mine. I want to put him away for the rest of his miserable life so maybe my mother can get the help she refused to get when I last gave her the chance, and provide my sister with a normal life. That’s what I need.”

But what you need and can have are two different pairs of shoes. 

After a deep breath that lasts several seconds and allows the silence to stretch into a pregnant pause, you find your words again to continue. “The file I have on Ellie’s death is circumstantial, we both know that,” you say. “It won’t be enough. We won’t be enough—” Your voice cracks. “A security detail or killing my father won’t fix this. You telling me you love me won’t fix this. And saying ‘we will figure this out’ while you keep a folder on your family’s dealings that might as well also impact me now that Frank has painted a target on my back from me won’t fix this.”

He says your name in a way that sends an unwelcome shiver down your spine. 

“I just couldn’t wait!” It is unlike you to yell, but you have reached your limit. 

Again, Michael curses, running a hand over his face and through his beard.

You lean back against the wall, defeated beyond relief. “What do you want from me, Michael?” you plead. “Because I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.” 

“C’mon,” he breathes, “I never said that.”

“No, but it certainly feels that way.”

“I don’t want to lose ya, alright? That’s all I’ve got.” He sounds like a broken record. “I…I just found out that I probably have no chance at gettin’ Anna back, even after all I did, and I can’t…I just can’t…” 

The urge to reach out and take him into your arms is overwhelming. Tears glisten in his eyes now, and his body is quivering with agony. He’s holding back. He’s trying not to show you just how scared and in pain he truly is, but he can’t hide the truth from you.

On any other day, you would have crossed the room and hugged him with the promise of never letting him go, but can’t bring yourself up to get any closer because he is not the only one close to falling apart.

“I’m so sorry,” you gasp out.

“I can’t lose you too,” Michael whispers. “If I get involved again with my family—if I choose to fight—that’s another story. I am who I am, and I can’t change that, but yer not; you’re everything to me. And I won’t put the goodness of yer heart at risk. I can’t—”

You silence him with your hand. “I am not Anna.”

“I know, but—”

“I am not Anna,” you repeat. “I can’t replace her. I won’t replace her. I am not a consolation prize, and I am not yours to command.”

Your steps are heavy as you reach for your bag. “No,” he grunts. He reaches for your arm again, but you elude him.

“Don’t touch me.”

You’re not even sure if this can be called fighting. You were arguing until you weren’t. It’s a quiet storm, but it causes the most damage.

The door is calling for you. You can’t stay here. You feel like you’re drowning—like he is taking all the air out of your lungs. You can’t stand here and argue and fight, and you definitely can’t stay and be quiet with him. That hurts a lot more than being yelled at. Silent anger kills, and you’re not sure if you can come back from this. 

How did you get here? When he left this morning, he kissed you. Now, there seem to be a million worlds standing between you, and you can’t find common ground. You’re floating in space, and Michael can’t haul you back, but perhaps that is not the problem. The problem is that you don’t want to be hauled back. 

His hand finds your waist, and he pulls you against him. “You’re not leaving,” he says. The gruff sound of his voice used to be your favorite.

“Let me go,” you murmur.

Michael shakes his head. You suck in a sharp breath when he presses his forehead to yours. He smells of whiskey and rum. Did he have a drink on his way here? Did he drown his sorrows in liquor and God knows what else? You don’t want to think about how miserable he is. You don’t want to think about what could happen. You just don’t want to think at all. 

“Please,” he begs. “Talk t’me.”

For a moment, you bask in the feeling of his skin against yours, but when it starts to hurt, you have to pull back. “I have nothing left to say.”

The arrow hits him straight through the heart. 

“I’m sleeping in my bed tonight.” You throw your bag over your shoulder, and you turn away so he won’t see you cry. “We’re no good for each other right now.”

He scoffs. It is a bitter sound that laces the air like a toxin. “We’ve never been good for each other.” 

You ignore the sting his words leave behind. “Then maybe it’s a good thing I’m leaving,” you say.

The sound of the wall breaking under the weight of his fist is the last thing you hear before you step out into the cold evening air.

Your cheeks are wet with tears, but you don’t look back. You get into your car; you don’t even take another look at the house. You turn on the engine, and you pull out of the parking lot.

Michael’s house and the rest of the Kinsellas disappear behind you, your sobs echoing in the small space of your car. You might have to do this on your own, after all, and with that comes the realization that you might have just lost the love of your life, too. 

The question is just, was it worth it?

Tagging: (let me know if you want to be tagged, too!) @bellaxgiornata @mattmurdocksscars @ms-murdockswift @your-not-invisible-to-me @shouldbestudying41 @glowstick-lesbian @acharliecoxedfan @roseallisonparker @norestfortheshelbywicked @1988-fiend @loveroftoomanyfandoms @mattkinsella @schneeflocky @harperdoodle @ravenclaw617 @lunaticgurly @mattmurdocksstarlight

[incorrect-arknightsquotes]

Okay I am feeling kinda insane so I have to spell everything out

I have a theory about Lappland

First of all I'm sure she has connection to Laterano and that's why.

1) Skin

So her skin from Bloodline of Combat "Refined Horrormare". The one in which description written "The outfit Lappland wore at the Laterano Apostolic Knights' Funeral Memorial Hall.

Even two years ago , I was confused about what Lappy to do with Laterano. Why does she visit the Funeral of Apostolic Knight?

The thing about BoC skins is that they have usually heavy lore. Mountain leaving RI, Beagle dying, Executor tracking down Artoria, and past of a lot of operators. Right?

So about Lappland's skin. We see her wearing this clothes in IL Siracusana, and a lot of people, especially wiki-writers think that it is that big moment skin's introduction written about. BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

First of all it's nowhere near Laterano and other skins if they have a very direct connection with place and event.

Also quotes in this skin

" Collect the debts, and pay the price."

And

"Is that all? That's all our lives are worth. I told you, everything you've taken from me, I'll have you repay. In full." - is quote from Lappland and people(on wiki) think that she says it to her father, BUT BUT she didn't try to take a revenge on him in event. Maybe in the future, but unlikely. She stated that she doesn't want any connection with Siracusa and said goodbye to him, not trying to hurt. Hardly counts as repaing, right?

Also also in whole even she never showed as much hostility or better say vengefulness? Even her fight with Texas felt more like friendly rematch.

And I don't think anyone or anything in Siracusa could cause her such emotions if she leaves it so easily.

BUT WHAT IF THERE IS SOMEONE IN LATERANO WHO CAN CAUSE THEM?!

So I am sure we will have Lappland in Laterano

Okay sorry moving on.

2) Her belt

Her belt has number "1911" on it and IT is a year when last Newfoundland Wolf was killed, but in contrast with Texas her family is fine. So kinda weird isn't it?

So maybe this number has a double meaning

And you know what else happened in 1911?

M1911 was designed.

And I mean Sankta's and their guns, right?

3) Sweets

It's almost nothing, but second thing Laterano is known for is their sweets and Lappland kinda mentions sweets a lot?

Her notorious voiceline with mentioning of mille feuille and which she given to Exusiai and tried to give to Texas. Her keeping chocolate (of course it's maybe more about Texas). This stickers

Kinda suspicious isn't it?

So like she has connection to Laterano definitely. But what is this connection?

Well my theory is that her mother was Sankta.

And my arguments, I do have arguments!

1) Sankta's offsprings with other races don't bear any physical similarities with their divine parents, so her being Lupo doesn't contradict this theory

2) She is one of only two Lupo operators who deal Arts damage, and she was stated to not have any training with it, using Arts with just raw talent alone in her file. And Sanktas are well known for their impressive Arts controlling abilities

3) Also the end of her file

For a long time we thought it was Texas about Lappland and about her family. But now after Siracusano we can see that we mistaken a lot. First of all she lost her family not because they are dead, but because they threw her away. Also she didn't forced Doctor to choose anything yet. Doctor even wasn't present in Siracusana. Also know I'm even doubting if it was written by Texas, because we seen them interacting in Siracusana and they are fine. Weird as fuck and deadly to each other, but fine. If Texas truly believed she is that dangerous she would try to keep PL as far away from her as possible. But she isn't

So whatever this file states it going to happen in future.

And I think she will revenge for her mother.

It is a very weak theory I know, but I can't stop think about it.

So if you have your own theory about Lappland's connection to Laterano, please, I am begging, tell me.

[wtsmtm]

SNS fics in January 2024

Below is a short list of SNS fics posted or updated in January 2024 (and one from 2007)! Remember to check the tags. Expand below to see the recommended fics!

the vines that grow by GreatLoversLieInHell (AO3). Complete. 100k words, 14/14 chapters. Rated: E. After getting discharged from the hospital, Naruto returns to a home that’s no longer standing. Sasuke, who doesn’t do well in cages, flees the first chance he gets. Unmoored, unsettled, Naruto looks to his motherland for answers. Uzushio calls her son home. The road to Uzushiogakure is long, but Sasuke walks it with him. Sasuke, who looks at him, hungry. Sasuke, who sees him, wherever the light gets in. A must-read for anyone who enjoys poetic language and explorations of the uncertainty that comes with setting out to find oneself. Finished this January, this amazing multi-chapter fic offers beautiful hurt/comfort and a romance that isn't just picture-perfect cliché but raw and real. This is an analysis of Naruto's character and trauma in a way that I haven't seen it before, embedded in a travel adventure that takes Naruto and Sasuke to Uzushio. Bittersweet, thought-provoking and a very worthwhile read. Did I mention beautifully written?

What They Made You by GrimTopography (AO3). Ongoing. 395k words, 63/? chapters. Rating: E. Naruto Uzumaki's Mother, Kushina Uzumaki died the night he was born and his father Minato Namikaze tried to save her by using his demon to save her. The demon breaks free from his binds and is drawn into the new born child. Minato is enraged by losing the love of his life and condemns Naruto to a life of abuse. Naruto has nothing but Kurama, a couple friends and his love for music. School is hell and almost everybody thinks he's a monster. What transpires when a popular newcomer, Sasuke Uchiha joins the school? One night changes everything, just how will it turn out? This is like two fics in one. The first few chapters are built to show how Naruto was born and how Minato became the villian. Kinda like a prequel. Kurama and Naruto have an amazing relationship in the fic and I just adore it so much. Naruto is a tall, muscular man with a deep raspy voice (a mixture of him and Kurama). Singer!Naruto is one of my alltime favorites so I vastly enjoyed this fic and it's freash take on the idea. The angst is handled well in this story. It's also a soulmate fic with a very interesting twist! The romantic relations between them are amazing! It's thrilling to watch them handle all that life seems want to throw at them. The plot is so wonderful it's like gold, and worth every single second of read time. The reread value is so good. I find something new every time I reread it and fall harder for the story each time. Slow updates, but is ongoing and updated still!

Neonlights by lilypheria (AO3). Ongoing. 34k words, 16/? chapters. Rated: E. Sasuke is a courier in the endless, futuristic city of Konoha. Usually his deliveries are nothing but unremarkable. Then he is asked to deliver a person, and all hell breaks loose. It's a GORGEOUS fic set in a futuristic world based on a few amazing video games. Kurama is an AI within Naruto and it's so fresh and cool to see! The world building is vast and paints such a fantastic picture as you read. It's almost like watching a movie/game play video in your brain. The plot is so detailed and thrilling. Full of intrigue and mystery and wonderful tension between Sasuke and Naruto. Updates are slow, but worth the wait between chapters!

Dis-Honor by One_of_a_Kind_99 (AO3). Ongoing. 33k words, 8/? chapters. Rated: E. Be a good Omega. Become a worthy match. Bring honor to your family. Joining the army pretending to be a beta to save his father's life was the complete opposite of what he was supposted to do. The line between honor and dishonor was thin, he had no idea which side he would land on at the end of it all. An SNS retelling of Mulan. Omega!Naruto, Alpha!Sasuke. The Mushu in this is hilarious. The author has similarities to the film while also truly making it their own. There is angst, spicy content, action, adventure and of course fun banter!

Under the Table by Sebastian (taydrawrs) (AO3). Oneshot. 2k words. Rated: M. Sasuke’s finger clenched around his phone and he could almost hear the case crack under the pressure.  His phone vibrated. >Please. The simple responses kept coming while Sasuke attempted to hold himself together. >I thought you cared about me. >I thought you were a kind and good person! He must be desperate if he’s resorting to compliments (and such fake ones) that he knows won’t work on Sasuke. >I have never begged anyone like this before. >Please! >Just one photo of your tits and- “Uchiha!” Sasuke slammed his knee (the same knee as before) under the table again.  This time, he let out a full stream of cusses, before lifting his head to meet the angry, steady eyes of his boss. Sasuke receives a text from his husband during a work meeting that brings back a few very potent memories. It's a sexy office fic with some spicy flashbacks and sneaky phone texting during a work business meeting.

The sky is red by Skyheaven (AO3). Complete. 61k words, 16/16 chapters. Rated: M. Turns out that Naruto's new high school friend was born a girl, but idetifies as a guy. Well, that wasn't a problem for him. Except that he falls in love with him. He'd never liked a guy, so he must like him because of his female body, doesn't he? What a terrible friend he is, what a horrible betrayal to have these feelings. Better bury them deep down. Down along with his beating heart whenever he sees his face. A high school AU with a trans Sasuke. He hasn't come out to his family or anyone and so when Naruto finds out they embark on a journey of self discovery together. It's very well written and informative. There are lots of feelings, angst and some family drama as well as extremely wholesome. Itachi is a good big brother and tries his best. Which leads to some very hilarious moments. It's just a beautiful read.

Love-Love by Watermelonsmellinfellon (AO3). Oneshot. >1k words. Rated: T. What if Sai had been just a little bit further on in his research about emotions, and asked if Naruto was aware that his fixation on Sasuke looks romantic... right when they see each other at Orochimaru's destroyed base? You have 5 minutes and need a little pick-me-up? This drabble is the perfect choice. Just one scene, set in shippuden, but sure to make you smile, chuckle or giggle. What's Canon anyways, I am pretty sure this is what happened.

Dead-Last Champ by Yaman999 (AO3). Ongoing. 178k words, 40/? chapters. Rated: M. Sasuke and Naruto were high-school sweethearts. In love through thick and thin. When Naruto decides to drop out of college to pursue his dreams of being a professional MMA fighter, his lover has a difficult time accepting the sudden change in course and uses it as an excuse to justify the biggest mistake of his life. Will Sasuke ever have the chance for redemption? Or will he have to sit by as someone else comes to sweep the love he let go off of his feet? A great ongoing fic. It's a modern AU with MMA Fighter!Naruto. It has a hurt/comfort tag and it uses it. Sasuke is very impulsive and selfish and spoiled when the story begins. He has no idea what he has or how to value it. Naruto is just starting out as an MMA fighter. Cheating fic leading to their breakup. Naruto finds support in his MMA village and grows, Sasuke spirals and needs to sort himself and his life out. Does Naruto feel complete or is something missing? Will Sasuke get his life together? Only time will tell if they find their way back to each other!

And some old gold for you all, dug up from the archives:

Guess Who by Hikari M666 (FFn). Oneshot. 2k words. Rated: M. Roped into working at a phone sex hotline, Sasuke loathes his job so much he's ready to kill. And when his very own 'satisfied' boyfriend rings the hotline, will his mood improve? Not bloody likely. SasuNaru, yaoi. Let me take you back 17 years, back to January 2007, when Hikari M666 published Guess Who - a short crack fic that has the boys in a really interesting situation! For some context about where Naruto was at in 2007 - the Japanese manga volumes were just at the part where Team Asuma go against Hidan and Kakuzu! In this AU crack fic, Naruto digs his own grave down a phone line, and Sasuke is murderous by the end. Hikari M666 was a fun writer with some great oneshots, including at least one more SNS oneshot, and wrote for some other Naruto pairings, as well as some other fandoms.

That's it! Reminder that this is not an exhaustive list, the team is small and has their own preferences, and to always read the tags.

[cosmos-dot-semicolon]

(⭐fanfic writers' commentary)

@plutosoda hi

Ooh, time to reread my old writing, huh? Always a fun trip, especially given I'd totally forgotten like half of it including that repetition trick you'd mentioned…

fair warning, i only got like 3 asks for this thing so I'm gonna commentate on pretty much the entire fic here. This post never ends.

Here's an entire director's commentary on All-Nighter! Enjoy!

"The covers were warm… But at least it'd get something done before passing out again."

I'm still fond of this intro. I'm terrible with being succinct, but this is somewhere where my rambling writing style really works; this section is written from experience of many a 'stayed up too anxious now you can't sleep' nights, and someone who has read a lot of the techniques to fix that problem, then didn't (ADHD lol). That is in fact what my internal monologue tends to be like at night - a mix between recalling every single way you've ever learnt to pass out, worrying about what happens tomorrow, 'why is life like that. what did i do,' and just a pinch of 3am self loathing.

I never really thought of it until an AO3 commenter pointed it out, but it was a fairly natural way of worldbuilding/expositing/characterisation all in one go. Establish the premise of the fic, Robot only bothering to process things when it's on the brink of exhaustion, the way it's kinda obsessed with productivity and efficiency and self-improvement.

I'm proud of it!

Also I like to think Lady Luck only does the weird scheduling thing for Robot. She'd be the type of person to try and make the Dungeons a personalised hell for everybody.

“Hey, could I get a coffee, do you think? …I’ve been sleeping so badly down here.”

I'm quite happy with the intro to the next bit too. My goal going into most fanworks (still) is to emulate what drew me to the original story. In this case, that's Dicey's tone and dialogue, with a bit more direct focus on the characterisation of everyone. So this is sort of a meta plot device that signals all that to the reader. I love how efficient that is. also I just like throwbacks and references okay

"The canteen was a dense jumble of kichen counters…"

I could've been a little faster with this scene and Robot subsequently making the coffee. One of my weaknesses as a writer is that I hallucinate some of the scenes in my head, and try to write down everything in that instead of just drawing a comic (cough that one unpublished Ninjago fic). I'm a sucker for describing scenery for days on end.

That said, I'm really glad I got the vibe of 'light-blue-grey' morning over to you in your fanart. It was exactly what I was imagining as I was writing this.

"Pre-ground. …But this was just evil."

I think I'm funny. Anxiety cube can put up with a lot, but terrible coffee isn't it.

"They taste horrible compared to freshly ground beans. It’s not worth the convenience."

haha. because you see. that's its heart's desire *gets turned into a dice*

"Pouring a generous portion for its new friend, Robot masked its complaints with a long sigh." "…But thanks to the innovations of modern day life-” An overhead swig downed half the mug."

A commenter pointed out that some of my lines have really good flow in them between actions and characterisation. I didn't notice that until then, but I'm inclined to agree. Some of these drive in the point really well.

"At least its fellow patron was enjoying themselves – not even flinching at the concoction and savouring the coffee raw. It was tempted to start a commentary on how dark roasts were overrated, but soon became a little more concerned about them drinking through the 100 centigrade burns. This place had quite the collection of creatures, it seemed."

I like to think Robot's a little snobby about the things it enjoys. I like to think Lady Luck tries to throw people off as much as possible.

"So, how’s the self-improvement going?" they started. "I only want top quality minions in my dungeons."

Very fun fact is that I was worried about spoiling the twist in this fic because of this line being so blatant, but I wanted to put it in anyway because it's a good character-establishing moment, and a good… re-interpretation of the line in another context? I love recontextualising canon in a slightly different way that still works for the characters in question. it's so fun

Anyways. Turns out I didn't need to worry about that because at least one reader totally missed this too so got hit with the full twist anyways. Isn't writing great?

"So, what’s keeping you up this late?” they asked. “Nightmares? A looming sense of regret and existential dread? Unfinished essays due tomorrow morning?"

essays due tomorrow morning. haha so true. i'm glad I don't take much coursework nowadays.

"You know, as useless as it looks, sleep’s rather important for you folks. It’s how you deal with all the terrible things that happen during the day, since your brain can just wipe the slate clean and try again. But funnily enough, it’s always the first thing that’s left behind whenever someone wants to better themself." "Life’s painful enough as it is. Why not change things up if your current routines aren’t working?" "Nobody ever plays the cards they’re dealt perfectly, dear… Time always slips you by when you’re not paying attention. And nobody ever knows what’s coming next. You’ve just got to learn when to raise and fold them." "Well, part of being human is never being a hundred-and-one percent efficient. If you folks still count yourself as that. I’d apologise but I remember you were quite nonchalant about your little transformation anyways."

One of the main points of this fic was that while Lady Luck is blatantly on the offensive and absolutely insulting Robot to its core, she's not technically… wrong?

It's not bad advice. Lady Luck, in-game, seems very perceptive of the various insecurities mortals go through. And I like to think she does start this conversation just for genuine fun, to pick someone apart. See if they bounce back against it or just crumble. It's just a bonus that the recipient finds it harder to refute her offers afterwards.

"It might!" it snapped back, getting them to at least try and contain their mockery under a silent, wavering smirk. "You know what? I think it will be, I can feel it!"

Robot sort of does both. It's definitely very very anxious. But it's stubborn. I really like that about its character: how there's a contrast between its organised and disorganised sides? How robots are usually associated with hard numbers and calculations, but Robot's mechanic is blackjack. also it's SO autism/adhd coded. listen. in this

I don't know if there's a trope to call either of these, but they're my favourite things about both characters, and they're surprisingly introspective for a game so short on story. (I will write more about that in another post. lol).

It's a bit indulgent in how long it goes on in some areas, but eh. It works for the fic's pacing.

"The figure leaned forward to highlight its obvious obliviousness…" "I thought you were supposed to be the overly organisational optimist."

I love alliteration. yippee!

"A gentle chuckle filled the air, restrained from its usual projecting echo. "You wound me, Robot. Games are always more fun when your players at least get the chance to try and fight back."

I like to think Lady Luck's main motivation is entertainment. Which mostly involves watching people suffer. But I think it's in the spirit of luck to have it so that someone's downfall was their choice. Determinism versus free will and whatever.

The chance that somebody could escape makes things spicier. And makes it sting all the more for all those that didn't. Hooray!!

Also given Lady Luck's usual loud persona, I planned (plan) on giving her quite a few more subtle but equally threatening moments in this series. It's a thing that wouldn't really work well in the actual game, but it does in a slower medium like writing, and I fucking love that trope.

"Statistically unlikely, but I’ll humour it," she commented to an invisible aside."

You should picture this scene as her directly staring at you through the fourth wall. Like in a sitcom.

"But it’s not so bad, being a minion… I’ve heard that’s about as stable as a job as you can get these days." "…though surprisingly she was not the worst boss it had had to deal with."

I always thought this line, used on Thief in-game, would've been an absolute killer on Robot. The job market is pretty fucking shit these days under capitalism and you would be lying if you said there aren't at least some parts of the Dungeons that seem better work-wise. Inclusivity, stable employment, accommodation.

Yeah, you have no freedom, but that's also the goal of capitalism up here as well. At least in Dicey it's ridculous and ironic. And you'd get to use your degree in maths/statistics/acounting etc to its full extent! Can you fucking imagine the paperwork for a game-show/dungeon hybrid business.

"But then again, I think you’re plenty used to the grind."

I believe this was an unintentional-turned-intentional coffee pun. Boooooo

"Funny how they think that’ll discourage anybody. …Folks hear that the house always wins and immediately think they’ll be the exception."

She would be the one to know that. This was intended as a followup to Robot's entire argument before. I'm very happy that at least one person picked up on that :D

"So whatever you pick, it'll be a decision from Robot alone, no matter what your mind or body drags you into afterward.”

I believe this was also supposed to be a callback, but the wording got changed slightly. I think it was the "It feels like my mind and body won’t stop working against me" bit.

"Normally, Robot would’ve stayed to socialise and make new friends, and in all likelihood, skipping breakfast would leave it starving later on in the day. But right now, it needed some time to itself: to think and recover and remember where it was going with this."

This was another callback (that actually made it into the story). Robot immediately making another bad decision after the first, with the exact same words echoing it coming.

"Just another day in the dungeons. It could handle this."

I wanted the ending to be very short and open-ended, in that it was up to you to interpret whether Robot took the offer or not, and when. But regardless I wanted it to be like a regular intro to an episode, but with the hint something definitely fucking changed that the audience can only speculate on.

…oof. 80 minutes on this essay. My poor neck. I think that's it for now, though.

Overall I'm really happy with this piece - hence why it's one of the few things I actually put online. It's three years old, and I could've fixed the flow in some bits (there's one part where I think Robot answers a different question than was asked).

But I achieved pretty much everything I wanted to say in this piece of fanwork, it pushed me to think about characterisation a lot and my writing and editing techniques. There's a lot of neat little things I put into it, and it really got me to grips with what I liked about my inspiration in the first place.

I think that's an exercise worth trying for every fan-work creator. Stretches you brain. Almost lets you re-experience what you loved about a thing years later. Points you towards your possible future diagnoses. It's a fun time!

[ianthe-is-a-bitch-and-i-love-her]

Okay I've made enough posts about it I'm gonna actually write up my overall thoughts/recommendation for Ex Wives of Dracula. Real quick, since I haven't actually mentioned it up to this point, the basic premise of the story is that two former best friends reconnect in small town Texas, before one of them is brutally attacked and becomes a vampire.

Firstly, this is a book that plays with genre very effectively. You know how a lot of horror movies have one scene at the beginning of, like, normal high school bullshit before someone gets murdered? Imagine if a movie instead spent the first hour of it's runtime on a typical coming of age/romcom narrative with all the pacing and direction you'd expect from that genre, and then that scene happened. There's a real sense of genuine shock, a "oh my god this can't be happening. This kind of thing doesn't happen, right?" But it does. That first chapter of horror is very solidly written on its own, but it hits like a truck because of how normal everything has been up to that point. The rest of the book continues with that, ibterspacing its horror generously with normal life, and I found it to be pretty effective.

The book also has some very pointed critiques to make about small town culture, about how ugliness is allowed to fester because no one wants to rock the boat, and about how things like high school sports take on an outsized and overwhelming place in the collective consciousness, because what else do you have to be proud of? It's not unique stuff, but it's a take on it that rings very true in a way I haven't often seen.

The plot as a whole is pretty well executed - there are some very effective twists and surprises that never felt cheap or like they hadn't played fair with me. The core that holds it all together is the developing relationship between our main character Mindy and her long estranged, recently reconnected with best friend Lucia. I think the character writing is excellent - there's a lot of rawness and vulnerability and teenage defensiveness that is captured very well, and the way their relationship develops is messy, vulnerable, intense, and compelling. They are the beating heart of the story, and they sell it. That being said, I do think the climax and denouement are the weakest parts of the book, which really isn't ideal. They have some good stuff, but I feel like they're paced wrong and there are a few elements that aren't, like, at odds with what's come before, but that don't naturally follow from it either.

One last central element to this book is it's commitment to it's setting. This book focuses on the culture specific to 2015 conservative American high school, and if you either never knew or have forgotten how nasty that was, this book is going to punch you in the face with it. Expect an enormous amount of casual cruelty and blatant, thoughtless homophobia, transphobia, racism, fatphobia, xenophobia, and misogyny, along with nastiness towards people with eating disorders and basically every stripe of meanness or prejudice you can imagine. Speaking as someone who did go to a conservative high school in 2015, the recreation is spot on - there are even references to some specific rumors about celebrities that I remember hearing from my peers at the time - but it was jarring to hear so much casual cruelty injected into conversation by people who weren't even trying, that's just how people talked. So fair warning. As someone who grew up in that kind of environment, I found that it added extra depth to the central relationship; it was the exact kind of prejudice, internal and external, that I would've had to grapple with of I had pursued a queer relationship in high school. But I don't know how resonant that will be to people who don't share that lived experience.

On the whole, though, this is a book that I enjoyed, and one I would definitely recommend.

[weaversong]

A thought I had on Nimona that I'm so sad nobody else is discussing is a certain song in this movie's soundtrack. Remember the demon baby scene? The car saleslady? How that car's stereo turned on and blasted Breaking the Law by Judas Priest? Yeah let me talk about that

I LOVE Priest and their music has changed my fucking life so it makes me happy to see their songs anywhere. I was grinning at my screen!! But then I realized how fucking PERFECT that song is for this film

Breaking the Law wasn't written about sexuality; moreso, the Thatcher government at the time. But having this song, by Judas Priest, whose lead singer is a gay man, appear in this film, about Nimona and her refusal to make anyone comfortable, how she doesn't hide who she really is, is pretty damn special.

Rob Halford wrote this in his autobiography...

When you live life in the closet, when you live a lie, you are so pent-up and repressed every single day of your existence that, when you finally emerge, you have an explosion of openness and candidness. You don't want to hold anything back.

... and I think about this a lot because it really does sum up how a lot of people feel about coming out. There's no more hiding. No more denial. Why not be loud and proud? And that's what Nimona does. She is exactly who she is even if everyone else thinks it's easier for her to be a girl. It doesn't matter if it makes people uncomfortable, it sure as hell isn't stopping her

And even beyond that, Judas Priest being in this movie is still perfect. They've always been very in-your-face, raw heavy metal. They're Judas fucking Priest! Wearing leather and studs onstage and Rob Halford riding in on a MOTORCYCLE to perform Hell Bent for Leather (Priest will not perform at a venue if the venue won't let Halford use the motorcycle!). And you gotta watch the music video for Breaking the Law if you still don't believe its inclusion in this movie was absolutely perfect. You'll see what I mean

I would write another paragraph here about Priest's absolutely insane lawsuit and how that can be tied to the film as well but this post is already long enough. I could go on and on about Judas Priest but for now I'm just gonna ask anyone who liked Nimona to listen to some of their songs, and maybe read Rob Halford's autobiography, Confess, if you're more interested in his story (do be warned it contains a lot of sexual content). Thank you for reading my weird ranting about one of my favorite bands and one of my new favorite films

[souryogurt64]

I’m happy we’ve all allowed ourself to make fun of the cringe in the new album now. When I listened the first time I took an edible and literally every other song there would be a lyric so embarrassing that would sober me instantly. Like the cherry on top line??? I’m a millennial so I am unfazed by the word lit but every time I heard the word “serotonin” it was an immediate hello-fellow-kids type of ick!!! Like….I assume some of this is like post-irony type of humor but Patrick how did you take yourself seriously?? To be clear! I actually enjoyed most of the album but like…. Bruh… :/

Huge fucking disconnected essay cause I'm procrastinating

Thats how I felt too, the cherry on top line didn't bother me but the shiny dimes lyric did. When Mania came out everyone was roasting the "wearing black" line to death so this is not new lol

Also regarding the serotonin line specifically, it is pretty clearly a 2019-2020 Covid song and even drops 2019 in it, that's when that was first emerging as a meme so I don't necessarily think it was a "fellow kids" thing then. And I think how fast things move now where memes are dead after a week that can be difficult with albums. I also think the song reads as very slightly sardonic

I did think it was strange they mentioned 2019 in a song that came out in 2023, but I also feel like that was a really emotionally charged time that's important to write about and document. But back then, it read as really tone deaf and bratty and out of touch and genuinely incited such raw rage and incensed disgust and primal hatred in me when bands were releasing music about it as it was happening. And I think that feeling was pretty universal. But I like WATTBA now because it's been years and life has moved on. And I think Pete has even talked about how some of the record was written years ago but he knew coming out with a rock record then was a very wrong thing to do, which I agree with completely and admire that he isn't too brainrotted by Los Angeles to notice that.

Speaking broadly about his cliches, I suspect part of this might be that the stuff on their earlier albums was similar, but we were so young when it came out or listened to this so many years after, and therefore didn't recognize it as the same level or incorporating trends. If that makes sense. So perhaps theres some bias there. Like I can't help but wonder if lyrics and vibes like “car crash hearts” was the same level of social media trendy as “serotonin” is now, but I don't know and think it's so wonderful now because I never knew it was an overdone social media thing. If that makes sense. (Also: "I'm every cliche but I simply do it best.")

Sometimes I think theres some questionable lyrics of his that work— ie my favorite album is Save Rock and Roll, and I think it might be the strongest lyrically except maybe Infinity on High. But there are moments like “Let's put the D in dirt now baby” or “Anything you say can and will be held against you, so only say my name” that are like. wannabe coy and stolen from Twitter. But just work really well for some reason. I think the songs are (/ record is) so dark and scary thematically it balances out the pseudocleverness and just comes across as neutral, and Patrick's voice being the way it is really helps. I was also just past 13 when the album came out and wasn't really on social media, so i didn't recognize them as like contemporary cliches and thought Pete came up with them, and by the time I realized he borrowed them I was already so used to them it didn't register at all.

Also I think some of his lyrics aren't particularly clever but are really universal, like "Let your dirty sadness fill you up just like a balloon" doesn't look that great on paper but I think about that line a lot because it's how a certain type of feeling just is and expresses it better than anything else, I think.

Also, their base is kind of aging which is probably a factor as well-- a big business talking point of WWWY and the latest Blink tour was the fact that everyone who listens to that genre of music has disposable income because they're in their 30s now. (I mention Blink specifically because Mark is like Pete's friend and capitalism fuck buddy.) And like as another example after cat prom I realized I'm a lot younger than I thought the average age for being involved with them was. So I do not think anything HC posts is funny at all but he has like a kajillion followers so clearly it's working for their target demographic.

Also 10ish years ago FOB and Panic concerts were like teeny bopper central, and there were some kids at the Metro show but I felt like there were also a lot of 30 year olds too.

And I think there are some really good lyrical moments on the record too, like "I will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me" is so good

This is way too long already but anyway also I got a really good job where I started doing (not super glamorous) writing professionally recently. And I think that I had kind of a dim view of a lot of FOB lyrics because they were so simplistic and short and repetitive. And that's what writing professionally is like, and there is so much research and meetings and discussion and analysis and data and Excel and money that goes into writing things that are unbelievably short and simplistic but work, it's making me rethink how I look at those more recent lyrics of Pete's.

[koppiki]

I've started trying my hand at cleaning a bit (not because I've given up on finding someone else to do it- I just thought it would be a Fun New Experience, and a nice breath of fresh air from what has been feeling to me as a period of Translatory Stagnation), and it's honestly pretty enjoyable! It definitely helps that Shinozaki raws are quite high quality (thanks in part to Takeshino upscaling them, and also thanks to JamzDoge ripping them well... speaking of, I'm gonna need to figure out how he did that, on account of him being... essentially no contact with me at this point, probably because the idea of further scanlation-related obligations stresses him out, if I had to guess), and so the whole process isn't too crazy with regard to tones and leveling and all that (since they get super duper muddled with lower quality raws).

Anyways, look at how cool I am (following images are from the first page or so of chapter 32):

Truly, I am amazing... well, more accurately, the people that Taught Me How to Do It are amazing. Thank you kindly to my friends (Kai especially) at Second Life Scans (another group I am a part of) for that. I very much appreciate their willingness to teach me, even if they do poke fun at me along the way at times. Such is the process.

Chapter 31 should be out pretty soon, assuming nobody's house explodes. Which could happen. Probably won't, but it could. After that, assuming cleaning goes as planned (that is, if I can pull more people in so it's not just Me and whatever Assemblage of temporary volunteers I can yoink from the various scanlation-related servers I am a part of), chapter 32 should be out in a far more reasonable timeframe than that which has been seen these past few months. Sorry about that, by the way.

After that is a whole different story (on account of it not being translated yet- honestly, I haven't translated anything in over a month, I think), but... I should be able to get back into it. Almost certainly, actually.

Anyhow, I have an exam tomorrow. This post is me procrastinating on either a) studying more for it or b) sleeping. Considering that at this point it is in... 6 hours? 6.5? I... really ought to get to bed. Like, now. Right now. Eesh.

I wonder if I should try to recruit more translators. Not for Shinozaki, of course, that's my child. Mostly for Q. I like Q, but... I dunno if I can handle three projects at once. Three translation projects, that is. I PR other stuff, but PR is a lot easier for me (less second-guessing of the self, more being critical of other's interpretation- the latter's a whole lot easier to deal with than the former).

Uh... goodnight, I guess. Wondering if I have anything else to say...

Oh, I'm pretty sure the final volume of Shinozaki (that is to say, the physical release, with the cover and everything) comes out in December. I will of course be picking that up the instant it becomes available. You can rest assured of that.

I'm excited to see what the cover will be. Usually that's all shown ahead of time (was the case for vol 9, at least) but I don't think that it is happening here. I could also just be extremely forgetful, but I'm pretty sure I would remember seeing it if it was there. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Trying to think of a good way to end this whole speech I've written here is impossible, so I won't. Well, I will. It'll just be a goodnight. Again.

Goodnight!

[beevean]

For the bingo

Well-written characters: Sonic, Eggman, Trevor, Hector, Rosaly, Dracula

Shit characters: Lenore and essentially the entire main cast of That Very Particular Game

bro.

Sonic here :P

Eggman:

Proof that evil bastards without a single redeeming quality in their bones can still be compelling, fleshed out characters.

my good man is a jolly fellow with a passion for amusement parks and for defacing ancient ruins because his face deserves to be plastered through history. an icon <3 he's perfect <3 well, except for how in many games he was pushed to the side with disappointing results. but it's okay. it's not his fault <3 he did nothing wrong <3

Trevor:

Trevor my good friend Trevor he's the Sonic of Castlevania and that makes him an instant 10/10 🥰

Love how he's both shaped like a friend, happy to accept all sorts of people as his companions, and also a terrifying menace that will kill you first and ask questions second. I think this post encapsulates why he's so good <3

I am a bit salty that he was wasted in CoD, though. Granted, he gave us some intense sessions of raw gay sex with Hector and Isaac, but you know, he could have done more.

Hector:

i like him a normal amount and i am very normal about him and i totally don't project onto his status as unwilling golden child pushed to become something he isn't until he has the strength to free himself to face a world that hates him because freedom is more dignified than being sheltered.

Rosaly:

the girl of all time 🥺 she's so 🥺 and so 🥰 and also so 💖 and even ✨

god the way CoD treated her is criminal. I'm so glad Kojima and Sasakura gave her more love and turned her into such a cute and interesting character, even if she is fairly simple and straightfoward - she is not simply the kind caretaker to Hector's brooding boy, she is too kind to the point that it's treated like a flaw. but she don't care. she's stubborn and idealistic and exactly what makes her so good for hector "if you take a snake in you'll get bitten" castlevania.

She will love you to death. You have no choice in the matter. Haha get absolutely cherished idiot <3

Dracula:

he's so stupid and petty and a selfish asshole bastard and maybe a bit of a perv and he should suffer more for my entertainment

i love him <3

I like that, compared to Eggman, he does have potentially redeeming qualities: he loves. He loves too much, even. And that is precisely what makes him such a piece of shit :)

anyway he did everything wrong. that is the point.

Lenore:

"Deserved a happier ending"? Sure. Hector should have set her on fire. That would have made me happy <3

I hate her so much. I hate that I can see the glimpses of a good villain buried underneath the revolting rape apology. I wish I could steal Hector's hammer, beat her until she's nothing but mush, and then recompose her to turn her into a well written character, and not four bad characters stitched together.

But also, Lenore has no reason to exist. The story could have progressed just fine if it was Carmilla trying to break Hector's spirit - and maybe show that he's stronger than she had thought. Lenore was only introduced for the sake of pushing S3's shitty r/im14andthisisdeep "trust is for dumbasses, and dumbasses deserve to be punished" message. She singlehandedly ruined Hector's character beyond redemption, and she herself was written by Ellis with a hand down his pants, which means that in S3 she's basically a walking kink and by S4 it's too late to woobiefy her. I need to rescue her concept (a vampire torn between her desire to pretend to be human and the thirst for power over people that comes with her nature) so badly because it's worth exploring, but the show only makes me want to turn myself into the sun and burn for eternity.

OMORI cast:

[beauzos]

obligatory yuty for the ask!!! but also if you dont want to only talk abt yuty then Ummm fulbright:3 or both even if youre feeling fancy...

Send me a character and I’ll list:

I already got one for Yuty, but thank you! So Fulbright it is.

Favorite thing about them: His pure of heart, dumb of ass nature... idk! I just feel like his bombastic, friendly personality is so lovable. I was invested in him from the second I met him! He just leaves such an impact with his silly but earnest personality. I love how determined he is, how he's got these big emotions and how much he believes in Blackquill and isn't scared of him one bit even though everyone else is because he sees Blackquill's raw potential. Waaaa. It's nice. Least favorite thing about them: Beyond him tasing Blackquill, um. What they did to his character by having him get murdered off-screen before the game starts lol. I think the way they did the Phantom twist was incredibly lame and I've talked extensively about it before so I'll spare y'all and just link the posts where I've bitched about it instead. 1 | 2

I haven't thought about it in a while so my opinions may have changed a bit idk just read these KRKFNM Second post isn't mine but I did leave a fucking tag essay so there's that. I do plan on replaying Dual Destinies soon to see what I feel about the game after knowing everything I do now, though. Favorite line: idk if it's a favorite line exactly but my favorite moment with him is in Turnabout Academy where he pops out of the art room window and is like "oh it's y'all!! in justice we trust!!" and helps out Athena and Apollo while Athena excitedly greets him n Klav and Apollo are like ??? It's so cute. brOTP: Ummm him with Ema is pretty fun! I want all the detectives to be buddies, and I think that Ema would originally be so pissed off and annoyed by him, but come to appreciate his earnestness and kindness. I think once she cools off and becomes a proper forensic detective she'd mellow out and be much more open to befriending people she works with. I think they'd get along very well. I also like the headcanons where Bobby really looks up to Gumshoe, so I like their dynamic too.

I also think him and Yuty would be fun. I think Nahyuta would be annoyed by Fulbright at first like Ema, though. But Fulbright probably fills a similar environmental niche to Datz, so I think Nahyuta could deal with him eventually. I imagined this scenario (admittedly in a shippy sense-- I think Madhibright is a funny ship and kinda cute, but I don't actually ship it anymore, they're just pals) where they meet post-SOJ and thought it'd be fun. Here's that post I made. OTP: Blackbright, I guess! IDK, I don't ship as much for him as I used to, but this is still my number one. I LOVE their dynamic in DD, I love the possibilities of what a dynamic could be like post-DD had he lived, so on. They're definitely Together but it might be kind of an unlabeled grey area friendship gay thing too. I don't know KRKF but I like them a lot! It's fun. I think they're very cute. nOTP: I dunno. Who are they gonna ship him with if not Blackquill? The Phantom? I've seen cute stuff with the Phantom and him as buddies that I find interesting. I wouldn't call romantically shipping them a NOTP, it's just vaguely weird but I don't really care at all. So, none I guess. Random headcanon: He's from the South and has a Southern accent!!! I love giving characters I like Southern accents it's kind of a thing I do if I have an excuse to, lol. It's why like half the Tazmily villagers were written with accents during my Mother 3 fanfic days. I think it suits him, idk why. It's better than the goofy ass voice they gave him in DD 😭 Unpopular opinion: idk. I don't know what people think about him, aside from him being another character the AA subreddit will try to convince you just absolutely sucks. Aside from, like, I don't know, I think it's a bit off sometimes if AUs where Bobby lives that people try to put all the blame for shitty behavior towards Blackquill on the Phantom. I get why, but I think sometimes it's worth examining how his position of power could be harmful to Blackquill regardless of his pure intentions or whatever. He's a cop, after all.

I know some people are uncomfortable with the ethics of a ship with Blackquill while he's still in prison (which is why some folks will specifically only interpret Blackbright as a post-DD thing) but I'm also like. idk I think THAT'S worth examining too! By people smarter than me. I'm not doing it KRKF I just find their dynamics interesting, warts and all.

I get it, though. Sometimes you just don't wanna fucking get into it SDJN but yeah! Song I associate with them: Never Ever Getting Rid of Me from Waitress. Quintessential Blackbright song Favorite picture of them: This pose is my fave everrr it's adorable.

though I also like the one official art where he's crying looking at Blackquill. ok gay ass

[aotoreiki]

Rei's aura abilities, and how aura is written here...

Given the vagueness and general lack of information in canon about the exact mechanics of aura, different people have different interpretations of it and how it works for their muses and writing. The following is to reference for my muse and my own worldbuilding. It isn't intended to affect anyone else's and differences can be treated as natural variations of a complex mechanic; but please do respect this for my muse and my writing.

As of time of writing I haven't caught up with the Journeys section of the anime where aura is used more. I need to watch it so I can see how it works there and decide what to incorporate into my own stuff. Until then, my hcs are based only on the material preceding it.

The "aura" being referred to here is specifically the kind of aura in things like Riolu's and Lucario's dex entries, Aura Sphere's name, and aura guardians in the anime. There is a specific term for this in Japanese, differing from general-use "aura", which unfortunately doesn't carry over into the English. To explain a little better: While other instances of the word "aura" in Japanese such as those used in reference to Z-Moves or Xerneas' and Yveltal's Fairy and Dark Auras use オーラ (literally representing the pronunciation of the English word, written using katakana), there is a different word used for "aura" as relating to Riolu and Lucario. Words used for the latter are 波動 or 波導 (hadou, share the same pronunciation). A more literal translation is wave or wave-guiding, respectively. I find the fact that a different, specific term is used is interesting, that it's fun to explore the potential meaning of it, and I just always think it's a shame when a translation loses or muddies any original nuance... so that's why it matters to me, personally.  

I don't treat aura as being 100% synonymous with life energy. They're closely linked, but not entirely the same. Life energy or infinity energy is a more general and broad term. Not everything that contains life energy gives off a discernible aura wave, in the same way that a living thing does. Likewise, aura is based in the life energy or essence of a living thing, and is intrinsically linked to it. Life energy itself as found in other states is far more raw.

Disclaimer of course that anything is liable to change as I learn more and further develop my headcanons. Now, on to the muse...

Rei has always had a potential affinity for aura, which he inherited from his father. However, it was very weak and for most of his life it remained dormant, and did not manifest in a noticeable way. It only became active in his adult years, during/post-Team Dim Sun, due to exposure to the Shadow Crystal's energy and influence.  

He is very sensitive to the sensory aspect of aura, and he has a poor ability to regulate the information that he picks up through it. He gets easily overwhelmed, and so he often deliberately dampens or blocks his own aura-based sensory abilities.  

Speaking of which, he experiences aura as its very own separate and distinct sense. He does not literally "see" auras. The best he would be able to describe it would be like textured vibrations that carry various information, which he "knows" (intuitively decodes), but even this falls short because it's not a true physical sense. He can relay what he learns from them, and describe the impression they gave him as well as any associated mental imagery or traits (which is where things like colour or brightness would come in). This is referring to the typically invisible aura wave. If aura is manifested in a way that's visible to the ordinary naked eye, he can then literally see it in the same way that non-aura users can too.  

Similarly, he does not literally read minds or thoughts in a way that would give him a word-for-word representation of someone's inner monologue. He instead perceives the emotion, or the thought's core concept and its meaning near-instantaneously. He would be able to paraphrase your thoughts, rather than state them exactly.  

This is also how he potentially communicates via aura with other aura-sensitive beings. He would project his own aura wave, which carries his thought information and feelings, which they can then perceive and understand the meaning of. He's not at the stage of being able to use true telepathy or to speak in someone's mind.  

Aaand more about what he can do with it will be added here later.

[saryasy]

Greetings! You’ve answered questions as a writer, so it’s now time to answer questions as a reader >:] (Feel free to only answer a few or none :])

1) What’s your favorite fanfic trope to read?

2) Multi chapter fanfics or oneshots?

3) Read a no dialogue story or only dialogue story?

4) What’s a thing that makes you happy when you see it in a fanfic?

5) Who’s your favorite author?

6) Recommend a fanfic! :D

7) Gush about a fanfic you read recently, if you want. Be free, lmao.

Okay byee I love your fanfics and gifs :))

hey anon!

omg thank you so much for the asks and lovely words 😭😭💖💖

okay here we go!

1) too many to count honestly. but fake dating is up up there. me and that tag are quite well acquainted at this point. I also really love childhood friends to lovers. something about the knowing each other through the good and bad, the "should we risk this beautiful friendship for something that not work" it's about the pining you see, the pining!!

2) I'm really not picky there! but if it's a longish story ~20k and more I'd probably prefer it to be multi chaptered. then again I know how tricky multi chapters can be so honestly, whatever works

3) no dialogue story for sure, I love the introspectiveness of it all. though I'm not totally opposed to an only dialogue story. it can be fun (though not a long one it can get old rather quickly)

4) yk I can't think of anything specific. lots of things make me happy in fanfic. and their absence isn't a big deal either

5) I have too many to count but I'll definitely take this opportunity to shout out some of my sambucky faves: bisamwilson, dharmainitiative, glittercake, livingincolors

6) rough surfaces by my dear friend @livingincolorsagain is a wonderful wonderful sambucky story that takes place right after their break up. it's a second chance romance sure, but it also takes a really great look at anxiety and Sam's internal struggles and mental health issues. and just, the love you thought would never die? was too strong and was going to survive whatever life threw at you? and the hopelessness of watching it die and wither, helpless to do anything about it. I really love her writing and how she writes all those characters with care and deep love. I can be found screaming about that story at any given moment btw

7) I have been reading some post-s1 good omens fic recently (still can't get myself to read post s2. the wound is too raw) and came across this very lovely story (Slow) in which Adam resets reality and makes a teany tiny assumptions about Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship status. I really loved how it was structured, idk what it's called but that sort of repeating the same sentence structure and offering a new piece of information, idk if that makes sense but yeah I love it. also it was really beautifully written, I love those pining fools

well that's it! again thank you so much nonnie for the lovely ask <33