#this isnt even that emotional but im Unwell so !

[haunted-xander]

tbh one of, if not my absolute favorite part about ffxiv, is the small little moments/sections where nothing super big or like. Plot Important happens, but that give both the characters and us, the players, some much appreciated down-time to just. Feel things. And to process what's happened and what's going on or to just. Let us exist, in the moment. In a much more grounded and human way than when there's Big And Important Things happening.

The biggest(imo) and earliest example of this is right after the Waking Sands get raided in ARR, and WoL turns to the church for guidance. The entire section of us helping them gather and bury our fallen comrades, and especially bringing Noraxia home to Little Solace so she can be laid to rest in her homeland, by her own people and in their own cultural ways, was so so important to me.

Because it wasn't just replacable allies cast aside for shock value anymore, it was real. These deaths were real and meant something. I got to actually process what just happened, and I got to watch Banana go through it right with me. And not only did it make it feel real, it also gave me a sense of closure. These people, these friends, are dead, but they also got to be treated with the respect they deserve and laid to rest properly.

And that, more than anything else, made me want to save the world. It's grounded and grounding. This world, and these people, meant something to me, the player.

And there's tons of stuff like that throughout the game, especially in shadowbringers and endwalker.

In shb we have, for example, Lyna venting her anger and frustration after the sin eater attack in Lakeland. She's on her knees yelling on the verge of tears while punching the ground, so furious at her helplessness and powerlessness, at everyone having come so far yet set back because some megalomaniacal tyrant deemed it so.

In ew we have Urianger being approached by Moenbryda's parents, who confront him about not confiding in them about his grief. When Bloewyda starts to scold him, he of course reacts guiltily, believing they blame him, only for him to be completely caught off guard when she instead goes in to hug him, telling him he should have let them grieve with him. And he just. Breaks down. He's been holding these feelings, this grief inside him all this time, and now that he is not only told it's okay to let it out, but by her very own parents at that, he just can't keep it in anymore. He cries for Moenbryda, right then and there, being held lovingly by her family.

And the thing is, these scenes aren't necessary, strictly speaking. The plot at large could go on without them, the events that happen around them are not changed by these moments in any way.

But still, they are so so important, to the world, to the characters, to the players. Everything feels real and impactful now, every death means something, every tragedy, every person, feels real.

And that, to me, is what makes this story so special.

[honeyynymphh]

Il Cuore Della Principessa Papa IV x Fem!Reader Rating: E Word Count: 1.7k tags/warning: thigh riding, daddy dom papa, kisses, cuddles, google translated italiano summary: overworked and exhausted, Papa insists you take a break.

ao3

“Sorella?” Bleary-eyed you look up and see Copia standing in front of you, hands clasped in front of him. The sight of him in his black suit with his meticulously painted papal paints makes you smile, albeit tiredly. You hum in response, stifling a yawn as you do. You’ve been in the library for hours now—what time was it? You glance at the large clock on the wall and notice it’s nearly eleven o’clock. Another glance out the large windows of the abbey library shows the darkened sky and you can hear the rain steadily pattering against the glass. There is barely anyone else in here. You’d only ducked out briefly for dinner and that had been hours ago.

You stretch your arms up, luxuriating in the feel of your poor cramped muscles getting a break from the hunched position you’d been cooped up in. You drop your arms and try to stifle another yawn, twiddling the pen in your hand.

“It’s time to rest, cara mia,” says Copia, coming around the large table and placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“But I have to get this done for Sister Imperator,” you say with a sigh, eyes dropping down to look at the pages strewn before you. Why did you agree to help Sister with Papa Terzo’s taxes…a nightmare.

“You can do so tomorrow or the next day,” he says, taking the pen out of your unresisting grasp and throwing it on the table. “Pick up your things.”

“But Sister—”

Copia takes your chin gently, but firmly, between two gloved fingers to make you look up at him.

“I am your Papa, not Imperator, and I said pick up your things,” he repeats evenly. “Now, dolce.”

With a sigh, you grab all your documents, placing them back into the numerous folders. Really, you could have worked in Sister’s office. But it was so much calmer in the library—and there was so much more space. Also, you did not like all the prying questions she had about you and Copia. You know she meant well, but it was annoying…and also, you had no idea what your relationship was with the head of the church.

He effortlessly steers you out of the silent library and towards his papal chambers, taking the folders from your hands and carefully placing them on a nearby coffee table when you enter the room. The chill from the rain had permeated the old abbey, but it was currently being banished by the low fire crackling merrily in the fireplace. When he seats himself in the overly gilded, yet surprisingly comfortable, chaise lounge in front of the flickering flames he pats the space next to him. You follow, legs dragging with how tired you are to sit next to him. Immediately he pulls you into him so your head is in the crook of his neck and your legs tangled with his as you lie together on the lounge. The smell of chapel incense still clings to him from this morning's sermon, along with the heady mix of his cologne and that earthy yet undeniable scent that is so purely him. You bury yourself into him with a contented sigh, eyes closing as you relish in the feel of the warm fire and his arms around you.

“You’ve been working so hard, dolce,” he says, voice a gentle tease. “I’ve been lonely without you.” 

Your eyes snap open at that and your hand fiddles with the fabric of his jacket as you listen to the steady beat of his heart underneath your cheek. You watch the flames flicker low in the grate for a moment before you speak.

“You’re Papa, you cannot be lonely,” you say, trying to not sound like a jealous child. But you are. You are certain he’s still managed to find someone else to warm his bed while you’ve been working overtime. You try to keep your voice casual, despite the way your words make your heart ache in your chest. “You can have any sibling you wish to keep you company.”

“I only have one principessa,” he says, the words rumbling against your cheek as he speaks.

He tucks a piece of hair behind your ear and kisses your forehead. It’s sweet. But it still makes your eyes prick as your chest is suddenly overwhelmed with feeling. You don’t want to share him. It doesn’t matter if he only calls you that, it still doesn’t stop the bitter feeling you have knowing he is still kissing others the way he kisses you. Or that he touches them with the same fingers that are now skating over your cheek.

“Mmm.” You keep fiddling with his suit jacket, fingers tracing over the embroidered grucifix.

“Principessa.” His voice is a gentle admonition. You ignore him, still letting your fingers worry the embroidery. He takes your hand away and forces you to lean back so his slightly unnerving gaze is upon yours and you quickly look down, unable to face it. “Principessa, look at me.”

Reluctantly you do and a gloved hand cups your cheek while staring defiantly at him, willing yourself not to cry. The smell of him and his hand on your face is overwhelming you, your chest aches as that unwavering gaze holds you.

“Just you, amore mio,” he says. 

You try to look away again but his hand holds you firmly. “Copia, I—” The words fail you. You cannot speak as they catch in your throat. Yet you do not need words, the man knows you too well by now.

“Shh,” he murmurs, sitting up and pulling you towards him so you’re in his lap, legs straddling him and habit bunching around the tops of your thighs. “Papa has you.”

Your throat closes with the emotion and you suck in a sharp breath to steady yourself. He removes his gloves before you feel his large hands in your hair, soothing against your scalp. When he brings you closer, tucking your head under his chin you can’t help the few tears that fall. You’re so tired, and stressed—oh, you are happy to help Imperator, but it’s a lot of tedious work. The possibility that you do not have to share this man with anyone else is too much right now and the inviting pull of sinking into his embrace is too hard to ignore. All you want is to stay safe in his arms, letting the soothing motion of his hands stroking your hair lull you into a gentle reverie.

“Do you need Papa?” he asks, once more tilting your head up to look at him. He sighs at the sight of tears on your face and you press your lips together to stop the sob from escaping. When you give a quick but fervent nod, he wipes the tears from your cheeks. “No more tears, principessa.”

He leans his, lips capturing yours effortlessly. Despite the paint, you melt into it. Or perhaps you have simply grown too used to the paint, and the taste of it is merely a promise of pleasure to come. The hands in your hair move to hold your face as his tongue snakes into your mouth. Your own hands are pressed against his chest, the solid feeling of it is a steadying comfort as you are consumed by the urgent way you respond to his kiss. Your entire body is suddenly on fire for him, the melancholy starting to slink away back into the shadows as Papa nips at your bottom lip. A whimper manages to escape and you press your mouth against his with earnest, grinding into his lap in your desperation to be closer.

“Papa…” you whine.

The man nips at your lip again and you feel the gentle rumble of his low chuckle when you press yourself down against him again. It’s impossible to ignore the hardness pressing against you when he is wearing those tight trousers and you’re overcome with wanton desperation at the thought of him buried within you. Hastily you move to undo his jacket but he grabs your wrists with ease and you catch the smirk on his smudged lips.

“You have such little patience, principessa,” he teases, releasing your wrists and shifting you over so he can spread his legs. With you now straddling a single thigh, he pushes it up against your clothed sex. Your hands move to grip at his shoulders as it sends a wave of bliss rolling through you, leaving only a want for more in its wake. “You need to calm a little…relax, si? Go slow.”

You nod and he presses his thigh up against your pussy again making you moan. The friction feels far too good and you don’t need any more words from him to start rubbing yourself against his thigh. It’s solid beneath you and whenever he presses it up to meet you, causing your clit to throb at the added pressure your breath hitches.

“Good girl,” he says, hands moving to hold your waist. “You use Papa.”

Your movements get quicker as you feel your core tightening, the tendrils of bliss just within reach. You are sure you must be ruining his trousers, you can feel the sodden fabric of your knickers as you rub yourself against his thigh. It’s nowhere near as good as having his cock in you, or his fingers, but right now you are too keyed up to care. It’s friction, delicious friction, and the way Papa holds you in place has you keening. The tension snaps quickly when he presses his thigh against your clit and you come, the sweet relief making fresh tears prick at your eyes.

You ride it out against him, moaning as the pleasure ripples through you. Hands grip his suit jacket, creasing the fabric as you frantically hold onto him. A few moments pass as you come back to yourself, breaths evening out as Papa brushes a hand against your forehead before leaning in to plant a kiss.

“Does that feel better, la mia piccola principessa?” Another kiss is pressed against your forehead and you can’t help but smile. “Tell me.”

“Yes, Papa,” you breathe, sliding closer to him so you can tuck your head back under his chin.

“Sei l'unico per me, dolce.” Arms wrapping around you, he holds you close. “Just you, capisci? The only one for Papa.”

Amore mio - My love

La mia piccola principessa - My little princess

Sei l'unico per me, dolce - You’re the only one for me, dolce

Capisci? - You understand?

I have not proof read this and its like 12:30am but WOOH.

[mudwingprince]

ok i wanna talk a bit about john's connections to power

part 41 spoilers btw

did anyone else think that john's way of talking about power feels a lot like addiction?

like cmon

please tell me im not the only one that thought about this because it LITERALLY sounds like hes talking about being sober

that urge to "fall back" on the addiction to help them through tough times even though they know its wrong, that constant itching to go back to what it was before even though it feels terrible

EVEN THIS

HE DIDNT ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE WAS DOING BECAUSE HE WAS TIED TO THIS FOR SO LONG IT STARTED FEELING NATURAL TO HIM

its quite literally an emotional addiction and hes struggling with sobriety and im HYWRERGRH

IT MAKES ME SO UNWELL DUE TO THE PARALLELS WITH ARTHUR'S ALCOHOLISM

BECAUSE LIKE ARTHUR GETS THAT HE UNDERSTANDS THE URGE AND THE ITCH AND ALL OF THAT (i know i keep describing it as an itch but like thats my best way of explaining it) HE GETS IT

WHICH MAKES THIS SCENE

FEEL SO MUCH MORE REAL

its like arthurs acknowledging that john is addicted and trying to calculate how to cut him off from that feeling of power BUT AT THE SAME TIME NOT KNOWING HOW WITHOUT SENDING HIM SPIRALING

arthur understands addiction because hes had to deal with it so he KNOWS that this is going to be rough, especially now that john has more access to his addiction (im gonna call it an addiction fuck you)

this isnt something where arthur can just take away the issue and help john by just toughing it out (which would cause a lot of turmoil but be beneficial in the long run), arthur has to let john sit with his addiction right next to him with constant access and its constantly in the corner of his eye trying to drag him back into what he used to be

so i think this seasons gonna be a lot of fun 😀

[unohanabbygirl]

Thanks for tagging me babes ☺️ @sapphireblueye

How many works do you have on A03?

7! Five multi-chaptered and two oneshots

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

481,884 (I honestly thought it was more)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

HOTD, specifically Lucemond with some background pairings.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Forget me not

2. Hiding in plain sight

3. Fill my bleeding heart

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! However my timing is always so bad and it makes me feel shitty but I’m the sort of person who needs some time to think out what I wanna say + I get distracted very easily and forget to do so until weeks later. My responses are horribly late but my words are genuine.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hm, I guess it would be by latest oneshot featuring corpse queen Luke with a very mentally unwell Aemond. Very sad.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The ending isn’t published yet since the story won’t be completed for a while but Hiding in plain sight should be my happiest ending according to my plans. Crazy, I know.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I wouldn’t say I receive outright hate. Maybe a few backhanded responses every once in a while but it’s rare.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

YES! Very emotional, 9/10 there will be tears shed while they fuck nasty.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one

Sadly no. I don’t think I’m the type of person who could pull off clashing two different universes and their characters together. It’s a difficult thing to write in my opinion and the handful of crossovers I’ve downloaded so i’ll never lose them are god-tier. Takes a lot of talent me thinks.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge 🧐

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Its translated in spanish

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nope. My process is a very long drawn out one that I don’t want to stress anyone out with while trying to work alongside me. Sometimes it’ll take me weeks or even months to get a chapter out. Im looking at you FMBH.

However I wouldn’t be co-writing something small if the plot interests me. Maybe four chapters or so? Idk

14. What's your all-time favourite ship

IchiRuki (bleach) and Braime. Samdean is a big one too.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Interesting enough I started a WIP when Lucemond was still new so around December-ish. It’s a dragon shifter AU but I don’t know where to take it so she’ll probably never see the light of day. Lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

Conveying emotions I think. Probably because i’ve been down the depression and crappy self image rabbit hole enough to express it in my works. Internal monologue is also one I’m good at.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Pacing! Omg my pacing is ass. Everything is either too slow or too fast which leads to so much re-editing to get it all flowing in an appropriate time.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don’t do it because google translate isnt very accurate most of the time and language is so important. If I do feel writing dialogue in another language is that important i’ll ask someone who speaks it to help.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Well…does the shitty fic I wrote about Edward/Bella/Jacob in seventh grade count? Because if not then Lucemond it is lol

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Forget me not. She’s an icon, what can I say.

Tagging; @handsome-wise-strong @armonial

[c0rpseductor]

blegh

i made myself some hard boiled eggs and feel less frantic. i know some of my mood is just post-migraine malaise. i forget a lot that bc theyre neurological events, they can really fuck with your emotional regulation and stuff, and bc postdrome is still part of the attack you can be off for like, a day or two. especially if youre like me and will just keep getting them for days in a row with only a like, painless postdrome day in between. so im trying to be patient about that. having your brain severely malfunction would make anyone erratic and out of sorts. i feel like today it's just kind of aggravating all my preexisting stuff.

last night i felt just so fucking low, and i found myself wishing my mom could take care of me. even when i was little and she DID take care of me when i was feeling unwell she was usually very like...inconsistent. once i got older she just kind of lost interest in even acknowledging that i was suffering and i just stopped ever bothering to ask her for help. i got really upset bc i remembered that a few weeks ago when she was drinking and on coke (FUCKING. ITS OWN CAN OF WORMS) she said to me like, "really id rather us be like roommates than mother and son <3" as if it makes her Cooler than other parents or something?

i remembered that recently she was complaining that young people say gen x parents are cold and going on about how she isnt cold, HER parents were cold bc her mom would just be like "go outside and dont let me see you until dinner" and the whole latchkey kids thing and how SHE never did that to ME and im like. dude you literally said to my face you dont want to be my mother, youre like the fucking queen of this stereotype. you are patient zero. i have a limp because i got injured in school and you refused to take me to the doctor or help with physical therapy because regardless of what the doctors said you thought i was being a baby. youre like the zero kelvin of mothers

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

this is the vegas anon again!! i get u fr like i used to write a lot and was worried if people only liked it for the fandom but i can say with certainty like just ur stories themselves r so good. whenever i read your writing my heart hurts for two reasons: the first being that i will never be able to write as beautifully as you, and the second being that your writing isn't happening to me irl. and i love pedro by all means but if fics like "do you want me cyarika" and tcoy switched pedro's characters w/ a completely original character from u i'd still be frothing at the mouth. also this isnt even TALKING about your formatting like hello 😭😭 i always hated setting up links or making my post aesthetically pleasing + adding notes/titles/quotes so im genuinely in love with how you format everything it's just so aesthetically pleasing and recognizable like yes!! this is theidiotwhowritesthings so it must be good!!

I'M NOT CRYING, YOU'RE CRYING. I'M HANDLING THIS MESSAGE LIKE A FULLY GROWN MATURE ADULT IN CONTROL OF ALL HER EMOTIONS.

As someone who has the dream to one day publish something original, to hear that you'd read some of my stuff sans Pedro Pascal character is making me unwell in the best kind of way.

AND TO HAVE MY FORMATTING APPRECIATED??? It's so much extra work to do the title and the quotes and the stuff to make it pretty and sometimes I hate it (especially when I see someone else's post and their aesthetic is so much prettier than mine😭) It just makes me so stupid happy that only do you like my posts' aesthetic but it's recognizable enough to know it's mine. Again, i'm sobbing.

Thank you so much. Like, I cannot tell you how much this kind of love means to me and you can't fathom how much I adore you right now, you beautiful ray of sunshine.

[leclercenjoyer]

tagged by my beloved @ayceeofspades thank u 💖

tagging @wolfiemcwolferson @duquesademiel @river-ocean @gaslybottoms

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

11 (10 under my username and 1 on anon)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

30,363! my goal for the year was to hit 20k total so ive already smashed that

3. What fandoms do you write for?

f1 babyyyyy

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

something borrowed (my first fic which im genuinely quite proud of)

tip of the tongue (literally just pwp)

treat with care (girl brainrot)

no poor substitute (my a/b/o unwellness which was. shockingly well received)

helping hand (esteban hand propaganda)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i WANT TO but i always feel so awkward and i never know what to say 😭 i dont know how to adequately express my emotions so i just end up. never getting around to it and i feel BAD ABOUT IT

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

muscle memory... its like. my singular angsty fic. the ending is nice and hopeful right up until i shatter it with a hammer but it Had to be done. its simply how it is.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i think all the other ones!! possibly no poor substitute or treat with care because they both end on an "oh this is a New Relationship now" while something borrowed and tip of the tongue are both more like. we were already hooking up but i guess its serious now.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no and if i ever did i would cry forever

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

almost exclusively jdkjhdkjhs it is my Favored Terrain. i feel like my smut is. emotional and grounded? or at least thats what i hope.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no, not that im aware!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

non! but i would be delighted if anyone did.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i hope to one day!!!

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

i have been thinking about pierresteban literally non-stop for the past 14 calendar months i am so fucking sorry to everyone who knows me

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

my singular wip on ao3 is on anon and... i dont know if i'll ever finish it but i hope i will at some point. and as for unpublished wips... i have a lot. i dont know if ill ever get around to finishing most of them.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i have consulted the gang and i have been told that i am good at tying the physical and emotional together (which is something i do Deliberately try to do as much as i can) and that i am very meticulous with what words i choose to use to carry a mood

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

DIALOGUE GOOD GOD. every single bit of dialogue ive ever written has been like pulling teeth. the thing is i dont know how to talk like a human person and i dont know how human people talk so it is my worst nightmare. one of my eternal wips is one i started and got like 3k words into before realizing that the dialogue would have to do the heavy lifting for the rest of the fic and then i was like "oh god damn it im an idiot arent i". also sentence structure that isnt subject-verb-object. but im kind of leaning into it tbh.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

my honest to be honest opinion is just. write the dialogue in english and if you NEED to specify what language the character is speaking just be like "he says in [language]" UNLESS the pov character doesnt understand what theyre saying. literally simple as that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

f1 baby!!! this is literally the first fandom that has broken through the barrier in my brain thats kept me from writing fic my entire life. not even amc's the terror 2018 could do that.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

honestly? something borrowed. it was the first fic i ever completed literally in my life and i have such a soft spot for it and people were so UNBELIEVABLY nice to me about it!!!!

[istherewifiinhell]

[Chin in my hand. tilting head back in forth] no its just like. is anyone else a sicko enough to watch that tf 86 without me telling u more about it.... its only an hour 25. took me like 3 cause. im Unwell. this is the emotion they gave kids in the 80s isnt it. what in the god damn. what did they put in this shit...

Okay well i dont actually care what other people do but a lot of what im getting out of this is based on. knowing only meagerly more than if i was there when it was happening. so. thats the angle.

okay the most important thing i could lead with its not flashing light free. unfortunate tho unsurprising

how to get into this... what im. doing here. is i think entrusting myself to the absurd. and letting myself go with it. and how much i can care (the answer is usually. very much). so. this installment:

Transformers: The Movie. 1986. what is it?

It's 80s kid's movie shit. Aggressively so. pure. saturated. 80 proof. directly into my brain stem. And I'm a fucking sicko for it.

It is... the movie that is technically based on the 84-87 show. I mean. it is that. Its the same world, its the same continuity…. i assume. I had to watch it before starting season 3. What awaits me there, I do not know.

It is also the hypothetical "he is so outside of the original scope of the material the text no longer offers guidance on whether or not He would fucking say that".

…I exaggerate but the movie is... different enough in tone and situation, and but of course, character cast, that it's more in the realm of value add to seen the show than. Necessity. The cross over characters with the most screen time are, I think, the dino bots. and i love the dino bots. but, you get their gist.

was new toy opportunities: (characters, accessories, locations for play sets), obviously.

What I knew going in was: that its better animated. darker. and that characters…. Die!

so in general what i expected to see, and did receive

new lore: the shit keeps popping outta the ground anytime they have to readdress the transformers home planet, cybertron. even in the show. just suddenly. randomly. take some [conflicting to previous examples] lore.

general kid movie tropes and goofing

… the character death thing. more on that later

I'll touch on animation. cause. ofc. for context. im sicko. im. silly guy but. people aren't lying about the show's animation quality. that sort of thing doesn't bother me so much, but more than just. looking jank. It also effects like editing and shot/scene construction it a way that can be. noticeable to jarring. so the movie is a treat cause its not just a upgrade to theatrical animation (which. when considering comparable weight classes, just IS gonna be a step up from television) but on top of that you just get overall better flow and continuity.

BUT that, does not exclude it from old kids movie WILD tone/scene swings. From fun goofy action, to the horrors, to main plot action, to grief, to funny comedic bit characters. It is, I imagine, exactly as it intends to be… and I fault it not an iota. It's very funny to me to just. experience it and let that happen. Especially considering its still delivering on cool ass scifi visuals, just big beautiful impossible machinery, and nice action scenes even when being goofy as shit.

The easiest thing to mention I did NOT expect. the soundtrack. hol lee shittttt. the synths are hitting, the guitars are shredding, old rock men are crooning. like think of the phil collin's disney movies. times. a thousand. a million. I'm listening to right now writing this. Bangers.

SO that's I think, my vaguest recommendation for the movie. Fun to look at and listen to, big robot aliens face adversity and strange situations and hopefully come out on top to the killer score. I'm a simple man. Do experience childlike wonder from time to time. And regardless I really just enjoy the amusement I get from corny shit.

Specifics

Setting: So this is not the world state of the show, of two battling forces stationed in headquarters on earth foiling each other. They do this with a time skip as denoted by the resident human character, Spike, now having a son!

This future state of affairs has "new cybertron", a city on earth. I really like that, its a good vibe for like, aliens are real, they're here and some are our friends (and also maybe. losing the war on their home planet. just a tad). And equally cool vibe, our bots have two moon bases, (their moons, not ours), hunkering down as more rebellious force, than an equal power. And this is where most of the classic show characters are stationed. Including Spike, in a transforming mech suit. That's just fun.

Lore/Plot: Were the robots in disguise not weird enough for you? Okay, how's this. A giant robotic planet eater (is a robot and eats robotic planets specifically it seems). Voiced by Orson Welles.... OKAY. So, incalculable powerful? Pretty much, but there's one thing he's weak to.

The matrix. No, not that one. This Matrix is a big, glowy. thing. That the leader of the autobots carries. It's said to. Light the way in darkness, and has something to do with... "Till are are one" or becoming one with it when you die? Unclear. Its magic, its good, its only for the pure of heart. Etc. Antithesis to big robot planet eaters, I guess. It also uh. confers… prime-ness? No never mind how the show said Optimus Prime was just a normal smaller guy and then got built back different. Magic Box.

Tone/Story: so ive dragged it on long enough. if you've heard of this movie. this is probably why. they KILL CHARACTERS! There getting shot, murdered, general, combat things. Also execution. And being planet eaten. Those sick action sequences to even sicker jams. As your beloved toys are slaughtered. Notably Optimus and Megatron have it out, for real for real. Primes grievously wounded, Megatron's fucked up after falling SEVERAL stories. Which leads to leadership change on both sides. Cause, prime fucking DIES! DEATHBED SCENE! Dad of the autobots, gone. Countless children, traumatized. And this adult in 2023, moved, also.

And Megatron? Instead of dying surround by loved ones, gets picked up by the planet eater. Is it a Faustian deal if your options are "work for me and destroy the magic box of power. Or die an agonizing death"? The deal also nets him a forced rebuild, new name, and... being voiced by Leonard Nimoy for the rest of the film? New game plus Megatron goes a bit harder than original flavour, killing Starscream (Rip baby girl your coronation outfit was nice). Though it does not totally subsume his character, just any time he tries to get out of it, and even wanting to team up with the heroes, the robot god turns on the agonizing death mode again. Cowabummer, dude.

THE SILLIES: This might sound like a crazy thing OR you might be well versed in the art of kids movie yourself and get this picture. Those are some pretty GRIM and heady details I pulled out. But, did I mention there's a weird al song in this? You couldn't find a better thesis statement than it's title: Dare to be Stupid. It's fucking dance parties with. australian? junk bots "batteries not included" style speaking in TV commercial gimmick characters. There's some little freak who speaks in rhymes. The hero of this movie is called HOT ROD. He's almost executed by being fed to robot sharks. But hes not, because the DINO BOTS come save him :D.

So i'm saying, if people have this idea that you can only come to old kids media if you were there. Cause, the nostalgia and history you have. You like remembering confronting serious emotions as a kid, characters that find the will to go on. To be brave and kind. And the enjoyment outta sick fights and crying cause it was too sad. And everything else is just the baggage. Dead weight.

Well, I dunno! I still like it! I can see the animation errors (of course there still there, do you know how many drawing make up a movie?) But I also like cell animation were you see the smudges. There's annoying characters, there's jarring needle drops. There's... baw weep gran nah weep ni ni bong. But. Movies can be good AND be stupid. You don't gotta choose between only completely sincere first order enjoyment, or ironic amusement. I wanna do the secret third thing. And, so, I'll be out here acting a fool! And I'll have a good time.

I think, in general, I really like being surprised by media. And I know how to expect bad media. I did not know how to expect this, though. This beautiful mess. This lovely thing. It has fed my heart and soul. Cause it's fun.

[toontowncreepypasta]

Miles Upshur headcanons because ive been real autistic since outlast went on sale on the switch

heres just a huge dump of all my miles headcanons and interpretations im sorry it’s so fucking much ive been obsessed with this fag since i was like 13

 I think Miles grew up pretty poor, his father in the military and his mother was a stay at home mom who struggled with drug addiction. he had four other sisters with him being the oldest. He ended up raising most of them, the third sister being nonverbal autistic. He was responsible at home but not really anywhere else. He also didn’t get along with his mom very well. He left the house the moment he turned 18 and didn’t look back. He’s transmasc and gay, i can’t see him being into women im sorry. hes like the only horror protagonist i can think og that isnt like oh my gof.ds...... oh my god boobs....

I think a lot of Miles very strong core values come from how he was raised and that mostly pushed him into journalism and needing to shine a light on things. i also think he was in a band when he was in highschool, and still plays guitar pretty frequently (or well, heh, did when he had his fingers.) i also think he sold his adderal and any other meds he was put on all through out highschool and college and got in trouble for it a couple times. He was one of those shitty highschool kids who were like way too smart for their own good so they spent all of their time trying to break every rule they could.

Miles and Lynn Langermann became extremely close in college, and Miles and Blake also dated in college for like two months before that imploded on itself and they never spoke to eachother again.

He’s an aries, he has ADHD and c-PTSD (and you know, now regular PTSD) and is a HORRIBLE chain smoker like it’s really fucking bad. he’s jewish. He is EXTREMELY drawn to anything dangerous or mysterious like it’s a problem he has almost no survival instincts. He is an animal to his own emotions and desires and it’s a problem, if he gets scared of something he chases after it, he doesn’t back down, he’s insanely stubborn, he’s quick to anger. But I will say he is pretty good about assessing situations, he’s lived off blind luck his entire life because he is GOOD at what he does. he always acts like he knows what he’s doing and shit usually ends up in his favor so it’s hard not to believe him.  He is unaware of how mentally unwell he is, mostly because he has a habit of repressing pretty much anything traumatic that happens to him. Puts it in a little vault and keeps trudging on.

He’s anti authority and has a hard time taking orders or directions, even just from people he loves/respects. He resents any kind of restraint put on him. Miles biggest fear is death, him dying, specifically. He is scared to die before he’s ready. His second biggest fear is being forgotten/ignored. He’s somewhat of an attention whore, negative, positive, he likes to act out or preform or be wild and “out there” and have everyones eyes on him. he wants to be THE guy. no matter what hes doing he’s doing it with a hypothetical audience. That’s specifically something he struggles to drop at any time, its hard for him to be intimate with people or slow down because of it. he isn’t a narcissist though, it isn’t to an extreme extent. it’s just enough to be noticable in times of crisis. Despite all of these, Miles biggest and most dominante traits are his empathy, passion and his fixation on justice. he’s a good person all around, even if he’s a bit of trouble. he rarely if ever has ill intents to anyone who isn’t a dangerous person, and even then, he can find himself sympathizing and understanding almost anyone if given enough time.

he’s pretty fashionable but... doesn’t utilize it what so ever. he dresses like a very stereotypical binary trans masc, with a bit of occasional gothic/southern flair. he’s no stranger to eyeliner. before his transition he was very similar but in a “feminized” way, think those white southern punk girls with the chunky blonde/black streaks and bedazzled black ripped tanktops and flannels. He just went from one end of the spectrum to the other.

[echoesofadream]

speaking of meds i swear any doctor in the world would recommend me to go back on medication its so funny reading forums where people have quit ssris and their like ok im dealing with difficulties but at least my libido is back! life is so vibrant! im creative! i can have emotions i can cry again etc. for me its like actually my libido on meds was fine now however my libido is so fucking high its not even fun like basically sex addicted level high and thats not an overstatement its actually, unironically becoming a problem if it isnt already and the worst part is im not even having sex. and life was still vibrant on meds i could write better than now when i am living a version of my life where i am bad at literally everything and creating and learning is no longer fun or pleasurable. and i could still cry and feel emotions on meds. like still highly to overemotional. so imagine me now. in fact i think the meds make me a little bit more normal. i am so rageful like i have rage problems im so unplesant to be around its so bad i am becoming like my father im like a bomb about to blow up and im like this on meds too but this is so much worse but im so angry because i know this was me at 17 too but they put me on the meds and it numbed and IM SO SURE thats why im still mentally 17 when it comes to dealing with emotions. because i never got to learn it. just when i was learning it too or trying to at least but it didnt last because im worse than ever without the medication. i should have been given therapy and help etc why would they give me that at 17 because i said i was anxious?!?!?!?! i literally had one appointment with a doctor and they gave it to me. but im sure that literally any other contact would have led to me being put on meds as instantly because they prescribe it like candy. including to kids and i am so furious about it. yes i was so unwell but what if those people did their fucking jobs instead????? of selling drugs to make more money for the pharmaceutical industry?? or what?? i have tried and tried to quit this medication and anywhere i turn whether its my mom or psychiatry or doctor they tell me i should go back/stay on it. its like this fucking extortion used on me where i cant be allowed to struggle without it being used against me like this is my fault because i should just be medicating so that i still struggle inside and am just as unhappy and feel just as shitty inside but im not bothering people with it as much. or i actually cant feel it at all because im numbed to my own feelings. and btw i keep having these dreams about psychiatrists ive experienced, i wouldnt call them nightmares exactly, more like something disturbing that happened to me recurring in my dreams as my brain trying to work through it?

[drfirefly08]

HKSADHKHKEA HELP I DID UQUIZ GENSHIN KIN QUIZZES FOR FUNSIES AND THEN??? JUST FELT INCREDIBLY EXPOSED AND NOW IM REFLECTING ON MYSELF.... SOME OF THESE ARE TOO ACCURATE AND IM NOT SURE WHAT TO FEEL ABOUT IT

and the green are someone else's thoughts on the results! theyre someone im very close with haha

and this talks about my feelings so uh a bit of sadness under the cut since this is a bit long

first - CHONGYUN MY GUY!!!

"Even though you're young, you feel like you have decades of weight upon your shoulders. You tend to focus on it, and sometimes it consumes you, but you need to know that your pain is only a small, small part of you." NO SHUT PLEASE, YES IM YOUNG AND YES IM IN (MENTAL/EMOTIONAL) PAIN A LOT, OKAY I GET IT

"Most of the time, you're just adorable. Yes, I don't care if you don't think so. You're precious. You're one of the kindest people out there, and a lot of people tend to see you as innocent if they don't know you." mmm i suppose i do act a bit cute at times with my discord friends;;;; And! Well, i try to be kind and respectful most of the time, outside of silly banter which well isnt genuinely mean in any way

"You feel incompetent a lot of the time, but you aren't. The people in your life all appreciate you, even if you don't see it. You can be oblivious to the love people have for you sometimes, but try not to be stuck in your own head so much." I... well i suppose i tend to put myself down a lot,,, and sometimes i wonder if the people i consider close to me truly care,,, but they've said and done things that show they care, which is comforting ^^

[ I guess yes you feel like that even though you're young, and there's nothing wrong in feeling like that, a student has alot of things that they have to take care of. There's nothing wrong in you feeling like that. You seem to get stressed with it too, and that's understandable. You do need to know that it's all just a small part of you. I absolutely agree on this, you're not only most of the times but all the time absolutely adorable (atleast to me). You're really, yes, one of the kindest people out there. I think you try to enjoy things. Not only focus on one thing, Though I may be wrong on that. I think you are trying your best. ]

second - kaeya!!! my blorbo

"you're lonely, accept it. you miss soft hugs and forehead kisses that you'd get so often as a child. or maybe you never got lots of that?" ok yeah maybe im a bit lonely,,, i still get hugs... but mm it doesnt feel the same as it used to be, i've grown more.. sad? pessimistic? and it hasnt let me appreciate the hugs more...

"you probably crave affection, but you'd never ask for it, because you don't feel like that's something you truly deserve." i.. well tend to daydream comforting moments of affection, tho these tend to focus on romantic affection... even for platonic affection, i dont usually ask my parents for hugs and i dont really have close enough irl friends for that type of stuff... and well i cant ask for irl affection, it feels strange, i usually keep to myself so it would be weird to ask one irl. im much more comfortable with affection online

"You're a bit different and that makes you scared, so you pretend to be someone else. always joking around people not to make it obvious and to fit in well - you would never be open about that." yeah i am a bit different than my irl peers. i act differently around them, my parents too. my parents think im some good innocent daughter when i am unwell and not innocent at all! heck! im not even sure if im their daughter! or son! but ah, yes i mostly joke around with my peers, who are mostly my classmates. i joke at times, sometimes about my own mental health. they probably dont take the mental health jokes seriously, which good, i dont think i can handle someone irl genuinely worrying about my mental health...

"but the person who you really are, are they unattractive? youve never had a chance to know because you haven't showed the real you to anyone. you're scared. do you drink or smoke? maybe you really like energy drinks or coffee? extreme sports? horror movies? trying to replace real feelings from real interacting with imitations of them." this... is the least me out of all of this result. i know who i am, i am who who is firefly, who i am irl is not the full me. i may not be able to describe myself but i know i am who firefly is. i have shown the real me, and its on discord.

[ You, absolutely I will give you alot of affection if you just asked. I agree with this, you always tend to think that you don't deserve good things. Yeah, I thought you were really positive at first, because that's how you tried to look like. But you're not like that. I agree that you need to open tf up. Because no you're not unattractive. ]

third - another kaeya!

"wow you're hot ok." pfft, i've been called handsome, pretty, beautiful and cute before. but not hot lol.

"you have a lot of abandonment issues, you are scared that the people you care about are going to slip out of your reach the moment that you show any signs of weakness." WOW OKAY INSTANTLY CALLING OUT MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!! yes i am scared i will lose the people i care about, my comfort people especially. it honestly started when i got super attached with this one online friend but they slowly became less active and then disappeared and deleted their account. i sent one last heartfelt message before they deleted it, i didnt know they would delete their account. they never replied, so i never knew if they saw it. i've had many night where i cried and worried over them because i knew their life wasnt the... greatest. i worried for the worst. but its fine, i remembered they had another account on another platform and msged them. theyre okay. the worst hasnt happened.

"i promise that they won't leave, you're gonna be ok." yeah. yeah i really hope so...

"you are very good at telling lies but find ways to use this talent in a good way, rather than a hurtful way. you have a flirty personality but actually have little to no interest in relationships." this part... no not really me at all. im not sure if im good at lying. i dont really have a flirty personality, sure i flirt at times, but thats some times. and i do have interest in relationships, i am in one right now.

"just know that acting aloof and detached from your feelings is not gonna make them go away, you have to face them head on instead of running from them." i... well, i suppose i do sometimes ignore my feelings, especially negative ones. but i've been doing it less and less thanks to having my comfort people... and well having a tumblr to vent on at times too ig

[ Lol yeah I agree with this test. I get that feeling, it's valid tbh to feel like if you show any weakness the other person may leave, it can be from past experience sometimes. I would say I won't leave you tho. Yeah you seemed to really don't like the idea of relationships irl and I get why. I don't really know about the last two lines but the rest really sounds like you. ]

fourth - ei! i literally did not expect to get her

"you believe that you do not deserve your friends and that all you do is bring downfall in relationships." OW OKAY, STARTING WITH A HARD HITTER!! yeah, sometimes i dont think i deserve them. sometimes i blame myself when i did smth that couldve upset them and then see them upset after it, even when i dont know if it was what i did that upset them. it especially sucks when it happens with my comfort people

"you feel as if you can do so much better but it’s so hard, endless disappointment in yourself and you’re stubborn to change your ways so in order for you to succeed it takes a little more work and time to find a way around your obstacles." OWWW ANOTHER HARD HITTER.... yeah i feel as if im not at my best, i get upset at myself because i was unable to do smth. but im not stubborn enough to change my ways... i dont have the energy. the gifted kid burnout man,,, it sucks

"also, one bad experience can give you a bad impression of that person forever! first impressions are important to you because they are “vibes” you get upon meeting the person." i... not really?? sure the bad experience will linger around that will make me judgemental of them but i still can find good things about them...

[ If you believe that thing then I will write a whole fricking essay later, you deserve your friends. You know you need to be proud of your work sometimes, you do good enough. I really think this one result kinda relates to you but I am not entirely sure. The first part about you feeling like you don't deserve your friends or happiness, I noticed that you tend to think that. ]

last! - albedo! also another surprise

"you're either burnt out or you're on your way there and you totally need to learn how to ask for help." FUNNY HOW I MENTIONED MY GIFTED KID BURNOUT EARLIER HAHAH,,,, and yeah ig i need to learn to ask for help sometimes.... its a bit of a struggle

"maybe you think you don't deserve love or you think you weigh people down but you bring people up more often than you think." yeah sometimes i dont think i deserve the love my friends give me and sometimes i think im a burden too. but.. ik people like me, my online friends at least.

"no one hates you or thinks you're boring whenever you open your mouth, you probably have a unique perspective on the things you love and you should be more confident. i'd probably hang onto every word you said even if it was an essay's length on your favourite colour" oh... i tend to be a dry texter at times when i dont know what to say. and yeah i tend to be underconfident in things, i usually have an answer but i was too doubtful on whether it was correct or not and then someone raises their hand and says the exact same answer and gets it right. happens a lot;;;;

[ Feeling like you weigh people down or are a burden to them is normal. Many people tend to think that. Part of human emotions again, even I feel like I am a burden to you. Though i think I need to tell you that you do deserve love and you're not a burden. Yeah I agree, you're really fun to talk to, I've never felt bored when talking to you. I would actually really like if you talked alot more about things you like. ]

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[mellowgoop]

I think im going to start rambling on tumblr now and again, at least as long as it gets hidden by the "show full post" thing, lol...

I've been thinking a lot about heart and soul lately... in 2021, all my definitions of emotional home got fucked up and mangled pretty badly, so its fair to say my heart got broken six ways to sunday too... I was really numb, but rather than going into a hidey hole it felt more authentic to head out there and take on big challenges and see what happened next (with a note tucked in my heart, like, "come back and fix this, you are very unwell right now")

I got my ass kicked (i am still getting my ass kicked) but along the way, I was filled with determination to find some way to get my heart back. I did some pretty ridiculous stuff in order to try and get that bad boy open again. (I did entirely fucking ridiculous things to get that bad boy open.) Luckily, it didn't take long before I did start to feel warmth come back and I'm really happy to say I like how my little heart is doing now a year later (I love you, my friends!)

Now that I'm stitching myself back together, I keep wondering about what happened back then and where the determination came from. Maybe for a month or two it was purely desepration but that shit is like running your body with gasoline and I do not recommend it.

Two months of desperation is nothing compared to the entire lifetimes of desperation our fucked up little society likes to create, so there is a really strong sense of privilege in having a say in Any of this. I woke up every day stupidly deadset on not wasting my opportunities, and what clicked was being crafty as fuck.

And I think that craftiness is something authentic for me, I can get my heart to agree to pretty much anything if there is a plan behind it. I kind of got to work using what mental health and job opportunity resources I had in order to get my heart working again, to start to trust the world again and feel connected to society again. Those plans were off the shits crazy, but my body and my heart never really resisted it. Now, I'm feeling like my heart is ok with the ups and downs because my crafty soul never gave out and kept putting healing first when it could.

I guess what I mean to say is... I believe the heart is connected to the body and the warm stuff and our friends and hugging and hope and stuff. It gets the good food at the grocery store because it knows how to comfort you. The soul is, in my opinion, a little harder to pin down but it does a different job. Its like the seed for the minecraft world of your body, its the reason things fall into place the way they do for you, it doesn't get broken as much as your heart does because it lives in idealsland whereas your heart lives in meatland.

Letting my heart drive, I've made lots of friends and created lovely things and even made my own homes now and again. But, the heart is a dumb little beastie sometimes and it wants what it wants and isnt always smart about it. You can fall in love with some really dumb shit sometimes, you know that

Letting my soul drive, in hindsight, lets me pick crazy destinations a million miles away because they just *seem right* which is fun as shit. But, it doesnt always take into consideration how it will feel to get there and the stress of the journey can break your heart and your bones and your friendships and you get ulcers and... please dont get ulcers...

I think these two little creachers really need to work together... the heart on its own will just eat chips and hide in its safe spot but the soul on its own will leave you kind of like a travelling robot with no home. When you put them TOGETHER though... its like being on a roadtrip to someplace bullshit exciting, but the whole time youre with your friends and listening to your favorite songs and its miles and miles of good times.

Being in touch with either isnt a mental health privelege everyone has, which is fucking nuts. But being able to lose and regain these feelings over and over in my life so far has probably been my primary motivator to keep going, and I love them a lot...

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

but also the way the doctor’s warped view of themself and like, life? idk, shows itself so beautifully in that beach scene

“it’s what my life is”

no bestie youre mentally Unwell asdhfjhgjg

im joking but like thats what it is. thats what the doctor made. thats what the doctor is because the person underneath made it so

with 12 it was like, it’s the immortality that does this right? thats what it seemed like it was. everyone else dying. you cant keep your loved ones. same with drama king 10 burden of a timelord and all that. and sure theres some truth to that but it’s like river said. it just means time.

loss is inevitable but it’s not the doctor’s only, or even Main, issue. or maybe it is, maybe it has been, maybe it’s just with 13 that this has changed, or maybe loss has been a nice heavy blanket over All The Other Stuff

the doctor in new who has been grieving since we met them. it took 4 regenerations to process the time war. the doctor Knows what loss is, the doctor knows what grief feels like. the doctor in general i dont think has a particularly good idea of whats going on in their head. they act on feelings that they cant quite identify, or cant track the source of, or identify too late. theyre scared of their anger and theyre scared of their love because both make them act before they can think (rip torvic)

ive said before but i still believe that both the doctor and the master are intensely emotion-driven but the master knows this about themself. the master either leans in (simm) or tries to contain (missy) or is being torn between the two (dhawan). when the master is acting out they Know. whether they can stop or steer themself probably varies case by case but they are Aware.

the master Knows what hes doing in spyfall and i think he despises it because it demonstrates such a great amount of control that the doctor holds over them without the doctor even being entirely aware of that control? i think?

i dont think the doctor realises that emotional control they inadvertedly have over the master, because i dont think the doctor is as aware of how either they or the master are driven by their emotions. the master is aware. of both of them.

point is, the doctor knows grief. they can identify grief, they can make nice monologues about it. but thats sort of it? i dont think they have as clear a view on any other complex emotional states they experience.

with 13 it’s like she came into the world with this blanket of grief ripped off. like of course shes grieving, she lost everyone, she loses grace, but that big clear visible and comprehensible blanket of Time War Grief has been removed.

i think maybe before, any other underlying complex emotions the doctor had would be filtered through the time war grief blanket. guilt, shame, anger, all could be tied to I Killed Them All. Im The Last One (”bill, this is missy, the Other Last Of The Time Lords”). 13 doesnt have that. thats gone. “new can be very scary”

shes dealing with all of the emotions that shes previously had but theres no framework at all. one singular lense for understanding all your emotions isnt necessarily ideal (that much fucking shows in 9-12) but at least it gives you the feeling that youve got a grip on something. you have a way to understand even if it doesnt make you understand right. it gives you a feeling of control even when you draw wrong conclusions. 13 doesnt have that. it’s just all noise. it’s just all noise and theres no way to make sense of it.

and it makes it very clear the things that are going on underneath, that have been there always but were filtered through Time War. the “they’ll get it all wrong without me”, the “well i have to be, because you guys need help”, the Doctor.

the doctor is a title and a function it’s not a name. titles are earned and functions are performed. what are you when you dont live up to your title and you fail at performing your function? well not the doctor thats for sure

I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name, because I won't be the Doctor any more.

DOCTOR: I help where I can. I will not fight. OHILA: Because you are the good man, as you call yourself? DOCTOR: I call myself the Doctor. OHILA: It's the same thing in your mind. DOCTOR: I'd like to think so. OHILA: In that case, Doctor, attend your patient. (Cass is brought in and laid on the altar stone. The Doctor scans her with his screwdriver.) OHILA: You're wasting your time. She is beyond even our help. DOCTOR: She wanted to see the universe. OHILA: She didn't miss much. It's very nearly over. DOCTOR: I could have saved her. I could have got her off, but she wouldn't listen. OHILA: Then she was wiser than you. She understood there was no escaping the Time War. You are a part of this, Doctor, whether you like it or not. DOCTOR: I would rather die. OHILA: You're dead already. How many more will you let join you? If she could speak, what would she say? DOCTOR: To me? Nothing. I'm a Time Lord. Everything she despised. OHILA: She would beg your help, as we beg your help now. The universe stands on the brink. Will you let it fall? Fast or strong, wise or angry. What do you need now? (The Doctor fingers Cass' baldric.) DOCTOR: Warrior. OHILA: Warrior? DOCTOR: I don't suppose there's a need for a doctor any more. Make me a warrior now.

a man is the sum of his memories, a time lord even more so. but memory is fallible, and very subject to change. i think more important than the memories is the narrative that is made from them. and what that narrative is titled – doctor, master. thats that what defines your continuity. whether you can turn the page and keep writing the same book.

theres something about the doctor being this Idea right? a spirit of hope and friendship that can spreads,,,, like a virus. right? like cybermen. it’s the idea of the doctor that makes them continue, replicate.

but that also makes the doctor not unique. and i guess none of us is really unique but also most of us dont have a name thats a title and a job and we dont spread our reason of being everywhere we go.

and i think it makes the doctor stronger, in a way, when they inspire people to act like they would. except, circling back, the doctor cant see themself that well. not as well as other people can. when people close to them start copying, they dont usually copy the bits the doctor would like to see copied. they copy the parts that they cant see very well because it doesnt fit The Story, it doesnt fit in the book titled The Doctor. it goes in books titled Oncoming Storm, and Butcher of Skull Moon, and War Doctor. it goes in books titled The Master, even, sometimes.

where was i going with this-

oh yeah. “i cant fix myself to anything, anywhere, or anyone”

theres a person under there somewhere who got so hurt that they had to construct,,, like a diving suit, or a spacesuit more apt, an orange one probably, to be able to stay in the world at all. a protective layer through which they can affect, but never be directly touched, or seen, beyond their general shape, and their face. and through the suit they are Helpful. because if theyre not here to make things better for other people who are hurt, if they cant help, if they cant cure, if they cant fix things, then whats the point in being here at all?

you know how coping mechanisms can turn counterproductive or harmful when youre removed from the situation in which they developed?

im broken, she says, i cant touch anything. i cant touch anything and i dont know how to make it better and making things better is what i do. it’s what i am. it’s all i am. because i made it so.

“it’s what my life is”

it betrays such a lack of control. It Is What It Is. my life is like this. i am like this. the doctor is this. and the doctor is the cage ive built around myself.

and that “because i might” feels to me like “mostly....angry”. like, a tiny revelation. not enough to put even a tiny dent in like the black box of lack of self-knowledge but you have to start somewhere. you have to start with ‘i dont think i want this anymore’ before you can figure out how to get to what you do want

[that-one-violist]

o .  o

i am growing increasingly and ever consistently uneasy by the SECOND and i wish to no longer perceive anything ever more again however due to the circumstances the ‘no longer perceive’ button is broken and cannot / will not be pushed as itll cause a plethora of problems in many a ppls lives whom i do not wish to cause problem and annoyance and so to accomodate for this i will simply be

a mess

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML What if : Su Han is Early part 3

(Previous)

(What if Su Han arrived during the season 3 finale)

-Hawkmoth returned shortly after. A devious glint in his eye.

-Mayura looked to see him descending. Marinette turned away.

-Marinette secretly sliding the dragon miraculous on and hiding it as view was obscured.

-"Mayura. I will handle things from here."

-Mayura walks over and stumbles.

-Marinette's concern leaks out.

-"Is she okay?"

-"Im fine." Mayura snapped.

-Mayura walks and heads to the elevator.

-Marinette glares at hawkmoth.

-"Your sick, using someone who is physically unwell for your ploy for world domination."

-Hawkmoth looked at the girl, he held his emotion back.

-"She is helping me of her own volition. I warned her about the risks. She cares about my family far too much."

-Marinette felt even angrier.

-"Its sick." Marinette spat in disgust. "Your family?! You are just a crazed super villain that wants world domination!"

-Hawkmoth says nothing and walks over to the coffin.

-"I know about you, Marinette dupain Cheng."

-That chilling statement caught her off guard.

-Marinette tried to hide her expression. But she suddenly felt a chill.

-I know that you are the daughter of Tom Dupain and Sabine Cheng. Owners of the Dupain Bakery.

-Marinette took a step back.

-"I know your friends with Alya Cesaire. The one that runs the Ladyblog. Her research was quite... fascinating."

-Marinette could feel her self getting more nervous. How did he know all of this? How much did he get from his akumatized victims? It was terrifying, and she was her doing her best to not despair.

-"I akumatized her a few times you know, as well as most of your friends. Though I am surprised, I never akumatized you. Well, I was close one time."

-Marinette backed away, and found herself on the edge. Beneath her was what seemed like a bottomless pool of water.

-Hawkmoth opened his cane, revealing a fresh akuma. Attracted to her fear.

-"You know I can go after any of them. Doesn't matter how many times it takes. Ladybug and Chat noir wouldn't be able to protect you. So why don't you help me instead. Help me get the miraculous and you will be free to go. And your normal life will be back to normal after you help me."

-The akuma was moving ever closer.

-Marinette was doing her best to think. What could she do?

_____________________________________________________________

-Chat noir tried calling Ladybug but she wasn't answering.

-Fu, Su Han and himself were running across rooftops.

-"She isn't picking up. Is she perhaps in a dangerous spot?"

-Chat noir was worried.

-"Of course she is. She was..."

-"Ladybug likely is tailing Cautiously and doesn't have a safe place to return your call." Fu interrupted.

-Chat noir nods and decides to scout ahead.

-"Why do you keep stopping me from telling him the truth. That she has been kidnapped."

-"Because he doesn't know that Marinette is Ladybug." Fu explained.

-Su Han is confused. "Why is that important? After this is over I am taking their miraculous. It will not matter if they were a user."

-Fu blinks.

-His master did make a good point. Su Han was the guardian of the miraculous. He had the final say on who had the miraculous. Once this was over, it was his call. And there was nothing he could do.

-"Okay... I will tell him."

-Fu moves to Chat noir.

-"Master Fu, I am very concerned. Ladybug would have sent a message by now."

-"Chat noir... Ladybug isnt tailing Hawkmoth. She was captured by hawkmoth."

-"WHAT! How! First Marinette, and now ladybug! We need to save them both!"

-As fate would have it, Su Han caught up.

-"Thats enough."

-"We are wandering in circles! The ladybug miraculous is lost because of you. If you had simply let me attack hawkmoth, I would have secured the miraculous."

-"Master I understand your frustration but..."

-"No buts! You are a disgrace chicken legs! You have always been a failure! Now the order is falling apart, we have been gone for over a century because of your inability!" Su Han was at his limit!

____________________________________________________________

-Marinette knew that if she got akumatized, it was over. Hawkmoth would have the ladybug miraculous. She had to act fast.

-She knew water was below. She knew what to do

-"I would rather drown."

-She fell back.

-"NO!

-Hawkmoth rushed to the edge, only to see nothing. There was no splash.

-But something from behind, A mighty wind blasted him, causing him to fall.

-He caught a glimpse.

-A red and black costume. Horn headband. Smiling above him.

-Hawkmoth realized that the girl had a miraculous. How was this possible. before he could process. He fell into the water.

-Tikki had flown back in, now frantic and was relieved to see Hawkmoth and mayura not there.

-"Marinette we need to ... did you transform."

-"Had to think fast. Knocked Hawkmoth off into the water. But we need to leave. Do you know where we are?"

-"I think we should get out of here first and then we can talk about the where.

-Marinette agreed and activated her lighting powers to scale the elevator and find a way out. Tikki followed behind.

-Unknown to her and tikki. The akuma had left to find the massive source of negative emotion.

____________________________________________________________

-Hawkmoth had washed up outside of his lair, and he was quite peeved.

-"She was going to pay for this."

-Suddenly he felt his akuma zeroing in on a powerful force of negative emotion.

-"And I may have just found my way of doing it."

_____________________________________________________________

-Chat noir tried to cut in and tell the cranky guardian that he and his order must have really been lousy if two kids were needed to restore them.

-"Excuse me!"

-"Fu may have caused some trouble but he has been doing YOUR job for over 100 years. And how does an order of guardians lose to one single sentimonster? Shouldn't an order so prestigious and elite have countermeasures against that sort of thing?"

-Su Han felt his rage boil more then he ever felt before. He was so angry he failed to notice the black butterfly that happened to be heading right towards him.