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beyondthebarrier · 3 years

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Starker Festivals Summer Bingo

Prompt: Didn't Know They Were Dating | Title: Rising to the Occasion | Ao3

Summary: The media seems to think that Tony and Peter are dating. In fact, so does Rhodey. And Aunt May. And the team...

Don't worry. Tony sets the story straight.

This is my first proper Starker fic so bear with me!

It wasn’t abnormal for Peter to be alone when he woke up, if he was being honest. Tony was rarely still in bed in the mornings, presumably quick to dismiss himself from the actions of the night before. Peter never minded, usually always able to find the man elbows deep in some project that he might be able to pick the genius’ brain about.

“FRI, can you start me some coffee?” Peter asked quietly, his voice a little raspy from sleep.

“Of course. Good morning, Peter.”

“Good morning, FRIDAY.”

Peter got to his feet, finding his sweatpants from the day before and Tony’s discarded Black Sabbath shirt before making his way directly to the kitchen for the promised cup of coffee. It took a few sips for him to realize that he heard voices coming from the living room - he’d assumed he was the only one in the penthouse. He recognized the second voice easily though so he wasn’t shy about heading that way.

“Look who’s awake,” Tony announced with a smile when Peter and his bedhead popped up in the open door frame. Rhodey looked his way and Peter waved around his coffee mug.

“Hope you’re here on your own accord and not because he dragged you for some nonsense, Colonel,” Peter greeted with a smirk towards the man in question.

“I’m not here for damage control this time, miraculously,” Rhodey replied easily, chuckling.

“In that case, I’ll leave you two to it. Tones, I’m gonna shower and head downstairs. It was good to see you, Colonel!”

As Peter made his way back towards the bedroom, Rhodey looked over at Tony and sighed at the look on the billionaire’s face.

“He looks good on you, Tony.”

“Here, May, I’ve got it,” Tony swooped in, grabbing the woman’s empty plate before she could fully get to her feet. Peter rolled his eyes but stood as well, his own empty plate in hand.

“I don’t know what you’ve done to him,” Peter started, exasperated. “This man would rather buy new dishes than wash them at his own house and then he sits here and readily offers when we’re over here. Please, I need to know your secret. I’m tired of coffee rings in all the mugs.”

“Oh it’s easy, Peter. He’s scared of me,” Aunt May said in a faux whisper, winking at Tony before she settled on her sofa with the rest of her glass of wine as the boys worked to clean the kitchen. Tony washed while Peter absentmindedly dried and put away dishes, chatting away quietly to the older man. When Peter turned back to face the man, Tony quickly smeared soap bubbles onto Peter’s cheek, grinning. With a laugh, Peter reached into the sink, splashing the man with the water in the sink, despite the expensive suit Tony was wearing. Tony didn’t seem bothered as he grabbed the young man around the waist and pulled him in close for a hug, getting him wet as well. Peter squeaked, making Tony lean his head back in laughter before kissing Peter’s forehead and letting him go. Only Tony noticed the look that May was giving them both and he just smiled before turning back to finish cleaning.

As they left, Aunt May wrapped both men in crushing hugs to say goodbye. As Tony helped Peter into his jacket, he looked over his head at the woman, smiling.

“It’s our turn next Sunday, May. Be at the penthouse at seven.”

“I thought the little spider was supposed to be here? I brought ale for him to try!” Thor announced, holding up a large jug full of… well, not even Tony was eager to try the liquid sloshing around. Peter had been excited with the prospect of an alcohol that would give him the proper effects but Thor was right - Peter was nowhere to be found.

“Maybe he’s just running late,” Tony replied with a casual shrug, even as he slid his phone out to send yet another text to the missing member of the team. It was meant to be a little game/movie night and Peter was usually the one coercing him into attending so his lack of punctuality was bothering Tony. However, it wasn’t until Natasha and Steve also pointed out Peter’s absence that Tony excused himself. They weren’t sure exactly where he was going until they saw the suit fly off from the landing deck, heading in the direction of a shitty little apartment in Queens.

When Peter didn’t answer the door, Tony let himself in with his key, calling out Peter’s name frantically. It was a studio apartment and Peter groggily sat up in bed, blinking at the man who had just rudely interrupted his sleep.

“Pete, there you are. You’re missing game night, why are you- You’re burning up, sweetheart!” Tony sat on the edge of the bed, the back of his hand pressing against Peter’s forehead.

“M’cold,” Peter mumbled, trying to wrap the blankets around himself again so he could lay down.

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”

“Not hungry..”

“Okay, you’re definitely sick,” Tony pointed out, jumping to his feet to search the kitchen for food. Peter spent so little time here now that the cabinets were practically barren. There was certainly no cans of soup or really… anything. With a wince, Tony reached for a half-empty jar of peanut butter and a spoon, heading back to the bed.

“Tones, m’not hungry,” Peter whined as he scooped peanut butter out of the jar.

“Sweetheart, you need calories. Just a little bit and some water and I’ll let you go back to sleep. Your body will kick this in no time but it needs fuel to do it,” Tony said firmly, lifting the spoon to Peter’s lips. He opened them, accepting the spoon reluctantly and smacking his lips as he tried to get the peanut butter down. Tony got up, fixing him a cup of water. Between the two of them, they painstakingly got a full eight ounces of water and four big spoonfuls of peanut butter into the enhanced man before Peter gave up, flopping back into the pillows.

“Are you going back to game night?” he asked Tony, a rather pitiful look on his face. Tony shook his head, laying down beside him and wrapping his arms around him.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. Go back to sleep, I’ll be right here,” he assured, running his fingers through Peter’s sweaty curls and kissing his forehead.

Peter had decided to leave the tower for his lunch break, the idea of a sandwich from the deli down the block on his mind all morning. It was a beautiful day and he’d been looking for an empty space on a bench when he noticed the pointing in his direction from a few people by a magazine stand. He glanced down at himself, trying to see if maybe his shirt had come untucked or he had trash trailing on his shoe but he didn’t spot anything. However, he did hear the words, ‘Tony Stark’s boyfriend’ come from someone’s mouth and his stomach immediately twisted. He couldn’t stop himself from going over to the stand, dreading the idea of seeing Tony’s smiling face on a magazine cover with some- Oh. It was him. Peter laughed, picking up the glossy booklet. They’d attended a gala on Saturday evening for SI and the photo on the cover was the two of them all dressed up and smiling at each other in front of some rose bushes. ‘Tony Stark and boyfriend, Peter Parker, Rose to the Occasion.’ Peter scoffed at the title, setting it back down and reaching for his phone. He wasn’t sure Tony would find it as amusing as he did but he was just relieved that it hadn’t been someone else on that cover.

Thankfully, Tony didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. He had already known about it, getting the alert from PR hours before, and even seemed a little concerned that Peter might be upset about it.

“Do you want me to put out a statement about it?” Tony asked him over the phone, as if sensing Peter’s slight discomfort.

“You won’t be rude about it or anything, right? Just clarify, sweet and simple?” Peter asked, noticing that he was still garnering a bit of attention. Thankfully, New Yorkers themselves were usually nonchalant about that kind of thing so it was only the tourists that were trying to draw attention to him.

“Of course. I’ll get it out right away,” Tony assured him.

Peter had no reason not to believe him. He thanked him, hung up, and moved further away from the news stand. He muted his phone before digging into his sandwich, taking advantage of the rest of his lunch break before heading back to work. It wasn’t until he was in the elevator going back up to R&D that he noticed his phone was blowing up. He sighed, expecting a tweet or something from Tony laying out the truth but what he found caught him off guard.

Relationship. Tony said relationship. He hadn’t claimed that they were just friends or fuck buddies or whatever. He said relationship. Peter was so hyperfocused on the words that the next thing he registered was FRIDAY’s voice.

“Mr. Parker? Mr. Parker, are you alright? Your vitals are concerning, should I alert Mr. Stark? ..Peter?”

“No! No, FRIDAY, no, don’t alert him, I’m fine!” Peter scrambled to answer, glancing up to see what floor the elevator was at currently. “Please don’t. I’m fine. I’m answering you, I’m fine!”

FRIDAY reluctantly agreed not to tattle just as the elevator stopped at his floor. Peter wasn’t feeling very fine, despite his protests, as he stepped out. He expected lots of stares and whispers, perhaps even direct comments about him ‘dating the boss.’ But there was nothing. Either nobody here had seen it yet or they just didn’t care. That certainly helped matters as he made his way to his table, intending on trying to focus on work but finding himself scrolling through the comments on the post instead. It was full of congratulatory messages from strangers but their friends didn’t seem very surprised. Rhodey, Nat, Ned, even Steve commented, all seeming as if this was barely news to them.

Peter got to his feet, heading back to the elevator to get to Tony’s lab. As the doors slid open on Tony’s R&D floor, Tony was standing there waiting to get on. The man flashed him his signature smile, stepping aside so he could get out.

“I was just coming to see you. May texted, said you seemed a bit out of it. Are you okay? I know the attention can be a lot but if I repeatedly make it clear that I want your privacy to be respected, it shouldn’t get too bad. Trust me, the fangirls will go rabid when reporters get too in-your-face about something,” Tony explained, leading Peter towards his office. Peter didn’t respond, staring straight ahead as Tony closed the door behind them. “They’ll want to protect you at all costs,” Tony continued, heading for the sofa instead of his chair. Peter remained standing, still just staring. Tony finally realized something was up and quirked an eyebrow at him, curious. “Pete?”

“Boyfriend.” Peter said blankly, staring at the man.

“Um, yes? I also have a name you can address me by.”

“Boyfriend.”

“Oookay, that works too. Peter, what’s wrong?”

The younger man started pacing the length of the office and Tony sighed, covering his face with his hands for a moment before regaining composure.

“FRIDAY, diagnose him. Fever? Has he been drugged? Is he having a psychotic break?”

“Sir, it appears that Peter is in a state of shock,” FRI replied easily. “His heart rate is elevated but nothing to be concerned about.”

“Shock over what?” Tony asked, watching as his partner continued to pace. He could practically see the gears turning in the boy’s head.

“It seems that Peter was not aware that the two of you were dating, Sir.”

Tony let out a humorless laugh while Peter came to a halt, his cheeks tinting pink as he stared at the floor. Realizing that there may be some truth in what FRI was telling him, Tony got to his feet, carefully approaching Peter.

“She’s right, isn’t she?” He asked softly, frown lines deeply engraved into his forehead. Peter refused to respond, not even looking up. Tony sighed, cupping the man’s chin and gently lifting it. “Pete? Is she right?”

Instead of answering, Peter’s face crumpled.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, hiding his face in his hands. Tony immediately pulled him into his chest, wrapping his arms around him securely. “I didn’t know that’s what this was.”

“That means I fucked up somewhere, Peter. Not you,” Tony soothed, rubbing the boy’s back. “If it had just been sex, I could understand, but Pete, sweetheart. I go to Sunday dinners with your Aunt. I host Sunday dinners for your Aunt. I take care of you when you’re sick, I let you wear my clothes.. Baby, we practically live together.”

“You never asked! You never used the words dating or boyfriend or-or-or relationship or anything,” Peter defended, lifting his head to look at the older man.

“Eight months ago, we laid in bed and I told you that I never wanted this to end. That I wanted forever with you,” Tony explained. “You agreed. I thought we were pretty clear from there on.”

“I thought that was pillow talk!” Peter exclaimed. “I’m so angry right now that it’s not even funny.”

Tony frowned once more, immediately letting Peter go and holding his hands up in surrender.

“Angry? You’re angry that I thought we were dating?”

“I’m angry that I’ve been holding back for eight months because I thought I wasn’t allowed to have you! I don’t kiss you first or touch you first or cuddle you whenever I want because I didn’t want to be too much for you!”

Tony’s face broke out into a grin, seeming relieved.

“Well, let’s rectify that right away.”

#starker #peter parker x tony stark #sfsummerbingo21

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cosmiclatte28 · 3 years

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Disorder (Yuta x reader)

a/n : contains sensitive topic about eating disorder, do not read if it’s triggering or uncomfortable for you :”)

I do not personally support this topic, but last time I worked on this and I don’t know why I post this.. just tell me to delete this if this is too controversial I’ll take it down.

don’t force yourself

The dark cloud loaming on the sky is terrifying enough to make you crouch under your blanket as you mutter prayers so the lights won’t go out and the thunder won't surprise you.

However the cold feeling creeping on your feet and hands should be the real deal to worry about. You shake under the blanket, hiding more under the fluffy linen if that is possible. Your lips tremble, chapped lips, and icy blue in color.

You know he won’t like what he sees. Yuta will never like this state you are in, but no matter how much you want to stop it, you can't.

Your body refuses the tiniest amount of food forced into your mouth. It happened three months into your marriage with Nakamoto Yuta. World's famous idol, actor, heart stealer. Life was perfect with Yuta before the marriage announcement. You love him, he loves you… his members are all supportive about his relationship. You're healthy and Yuta loves you for everything you do.

That was until Yuta got his first major role in a drama. The drama won a lot of awards, thanks to your husband's wonderful acting skill as a mafia and the perfect chemistry between the doll actress and him. You need to admit you're jealous of her, but the problem doesn’t come from the actress nor from Yuta.

Your husband is still loyal to you, he takes the marriage vow seriously… you actually do not have to worry about Yuta falling out of love, you clearly can see his love grows more and more each day to you. It's already your second anniversary!

It was the fandom, the talk of the town, the tweets of the bullies that broken you. You know you're not the perfect girl to marry the oh so perfect Nakamoto Yuta. No, you're not ugly or fat. You're fit, you’re healthy, you look fresh. You have a bright smile, cheerful personality, and kind heart. You have your own charm, the glowing smile that makes Yuta bears with the harsh schedule every day. Your hugs bring his broken pieces back, and your laugh it makes Yuta realizes no matter how hard life is, he will keep striving for you.

But the comments of the web, of the unknown faces caught you. Crept slowly into your mind and ate your heart bits by bits on lonely night when you have to fake a smile over calls and videocalls with Yuta.

“(Y/n), I'm coming home In two weeks! The world tour is tiring, but it's worthy!” Yuta one night greeted you over video call. He was unwinding from the tiring show and you were getting ready to work in your own company.

You always put a smile to him, no matter how harsh the comments of the world is whenever people brought up Yuta's marriage with you. The comments are always about how unsuitable you are to be Mrs.Nakamoto.

At first it just hurts, but as you try to ignore them, you just think and think more about it. What if they're true. What if the world really hates seeing you by his side. What if one day you're just going to ruin everything Yuta worked hard for?

With Yuta's tight schedule with comeback and more drama, you found yourself sleeping by yourself and eating by yourself. The lack of companion after coming back from a tiring day makes you skip dinner and directly go to bed.

You thought, skipping dinner will not trouble you, Yuta won’t know and you'll just ignore the pain. You skipped dinner not to lose weight, mainly because you don’t feel happy eating alone. And this happened for a while. You don’t drink anti-acids even when you feel like throwing up at nights, you don’t feed your grumbling stomach when they beg for solid foods. No, you lost your appetite. For weeks, the only thing you have in the morning is just water, one small apple if you really cannot help it and on lunch you try your best to only consume little to none food. Did you lose weight? Drastically! Not in a healthy way, you're not proud of your body. No, this lost of appetite doesn’t make you happy. You don’t feel like living.

“(Y/n)-chan, have u had dinner?” Yuta called on his last week of tour. It has been almost four months since he left for the world tour. He'll have another one month away to finish the closing tour.

You lied and nod your head “Yes, what about you?” Yuta couldn’t see your dining table, you just put your face there.

“I am having breakfast! Anyways, make sure you're eating enough… your cheeks are gone honey!” Yuta looks concern, but his smile is still there coz he is always treasuring the short time he has to call and see you.

“Well, it's the camera maybe. Good thing right?” you try to laugh it off although you know you really lose weight.

“No, I love your glowing cheeks! Don’t tell me you're skipping meals" he suddenly opens his eyes wide.

You chuckle “No. Don’t worry Yuta.”

He grins “Then what did you eat? Why you never show me?”

You are taken aback “Uh I've eaten it.”

Yuta doesn’t give up “Next time, send me a picture okay so it feels less lonely! Gomen, I have to go rehearsal! Byee love you!” he closes the call after you bid him goodbye, goodluck and a love you.

You walk to the mirror in your room. Grimacing at your skeletal body. You were fit and now you look sick. Your skin doesn’t glow, your lips are chapped, and your hair looks dull. No matter how hard you try to bring your glossy hair back, the lack of nutrients won’t allow you.

You hate your current state, you look horrible. Thin body but with a very dull skin, pale lips, unlovely eyes. You look like a walking zombie. Your nail and hair vitamins did not help, the polished healthy nails are now chipped and broken.

You tried, eating some foods, but your body throws them back out. Your friend suggested going to the specialist, but you're too stubborn and shy to go. What if someone caught you on camera, what will the world say about Yuta? About you?

Yes some people know about you. Your wedding picture was published online, you were pretty back then! Some fans supported you, but after they realize how regular you were they started comparing and regretting their idol's choice.

You go to work with your big clothes, trying to hide your sick appearance but everyone in the company realizes you're not doing good.

“Yuta will hate me,” that’s all you can think about when you close your eyes and force your light head to sleep by yourself in the big room while wishing you can still see the sunlight and greet Yuta.

What you fear the most, happened.

Yuta got home to you, shaking so bad from the lack of food. You're working too hard and forgot all the meals. You only drink water, and Yuta got home from his tiring tour to find you laying almost lifeless on his bed.

“(y/n)?! What joke is this?!” he lightly slap your cheek to wake you up, but your breathing is slow and your eyes are heavy.

Yuta rushed you to the hospital and all you remember was the worried look he has once you opened your eyes.

“The specialist said this is not something new. For you to reach this state of disorder, they said it has been at least two years. Why have you never told me? Why?” Yuta asked first thing first when you woke up.

You cried, feeling bad to see Yuta this worried “Gomen, I'm stupid Yuta. I skipped dinner… and it became a routine.”

Yuta shook his head “You were lying to me…”

You cried, unable to deny him. He stayed silence and a tear fell from his face “Why do you lie? Why are you killing yourself? Do you not love me?”

You shake your head furiously “I love you yuta! I love you so much! But it’s lonely without you.”

Yuta trembles upon your remark. Is he the reason you're like this?

Yuta feels bad about your condition, he wants you to return to your healthy self but the doctors all tell him it will take time and patience and a whole lots of determinations!

The medics have to give you fluid foods which sadly you cannot deny. For a week you live from the liquid nutrients injected to your body and for the next month you're forcing yourself to consume food at least a real food.

Yuta takes a break from his promotion, making sure he is with you throughout the process. You feel bad for him, feel pitiful about your condition yet at the same time you hate yourself.

“It's awful Yuta.” You sob as you sit on the toilet floor, after barfing away your dinner once again.

“I'm just wasting food.” You desperately cry and Yuta's there to lend you his shoulder.

“No. Come on, it's not everything! At least your stomach is learning to work and digest again. Come don’t cry my beautiful princess.” He brings back the name he used to call you back on the younger days. You asked him to stop calling you princess after you get older and feel shy about the nickname.

But hearing that from Yuta's own lips, with pure sincerity when he is standing by your side makes you determined to overcome this together with him. For you and for him. For many more memories to make with him and for your future.

“Thank you, Yuta" you whisper before closing your eyes and leaning to his chest because you feel weak.

Yuta kisses the temple of your head “Always and forever my princess.” He hugs you closer to his chest and picks you up to carry you to bed.

“We'll get over this together okay?” You nod “Promise?” he shows you his pinky

You hook your pinky to his “Promise.”

“I love you not for how you look but for who you are.” Yuta slowly say that when you're falling into sleep.

You smile knowing this silly storm in your head will slowly fade with Yuta’s sunshine in your life.

end

#yuta angst #yuta x reader #yuta x y/n #yuta x you #yuta oneshot #yuta fanfic #yuta scenarios #yuta imagines #nakamoto yuta x reader #nakamoto yuta angst #nakamoto yuta imagines #nakamoto yuta scenario #yuta soft hours #nct angst #nct oneshot

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bbyboybrock--archived · 4 years

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You’re Home (Colby Brock Imagine)

Summary: Sequel to To Pluto and Back. After months back home in Bar Harbor, Maine during quarantine, you have had enough of the being away from Colby. You spend the next few driving across the country just to go home to him.

Written: 2020

Word Count: 2,754

Warnings: A lot of fluff, swearing (minor)

Masterlist

“Call me every day while you’re on the road.” My mother says as she squeezes me tight.

“I will, I promise. I should be back in La in five days, a week if I decided to take in the sights while I’m driving. Are you sure you don’t need me to stay? I can cancel everything right now.” I place my hands on either side of my mom’s face.

“I’m positive. Your brother and sister are nearby if your dad and I need help. Besides, I don’t think I can take any more of you moping around the house. Go home to your boyfriend and friends.” My mom kisses my forehead and goes to stand on the porch so my dad and I can talk in private.

“Got everything you need? Your clothes, GPS, snacks, full tank of gas?” My dad asks with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I packed up my bedroom. I have the ice chest in my car, I’m going to get snacks, gas, and ice right now. Mom packed me to lunch and a few snacks. I have all of my chargers, my spare tires, my overnight bags for when I have to spend the night in a motel. My location is on for you, mom, and my friend in LA. My wallet, phone, and all my little necessities are in the front seat along with chargers. I have the number for a tow company just in case. I also have my mace and whistle. I’m going to be okay.”

“I’m just making sure. I’m your dad, I’m allowed to worry. Here, take this.” My dad hands me a folded up bill.

“Dad, I don’t need money. Keep it.” I try to push his hand away, but he’s insistent.

“Just take it to ease an old man’s heart.” I hesitantly take the money and put it in my pocket.

“Fine. I love you guys and I’ll call you when I’m home.” I wrap my arms around my dad and kiss his cheek. He gives me a soft, yet tight hug back and kisses the top of my head. He lets go and my mom joins him as I grab my filming camera off of the top of my trunk and hop into my car.

****

I’ve been down in the dumps since I sent Colby that care package. He sent me one back after and I filmed that video last week. I’ve been moping around the house since then with the new stuffed animal he gave me. I knew that going back home to Maine to help my parents out with the quarantine would be hard, but it’s taking longer than I thought and it’s been taking a serious toll on my mental health. I only came home because my brother and sister are older with their own families, I knew they would help out our parents when they could, but I knew that they needed me to help too. The three hour time difference doesn’t help either. I’m just so used to being with Colby since I moved in with him two years ago. Being away from him truly feels like I’m missing a part of myself. My mom finally saw how sad I was being away and basically kicked me out of the house. After a few days of thinking, I finally packed all of my stuff to head home.

“Hey, guys, Y/N here! Today, I’m taking you guys with me on a road trip. To make a long story short, I’m going home to LA to surprise Colby and finally move into the house. The only one who knows is Sam, who is helping me make sure Colby doesn’t do anything rash like fly over to surprise me. Because of the virus and all, I’m trying my best to limit my human contact. Unfortunately for me, that means taking a 50-hour road trip across the country by myself. But it’ll be worth it in the end. I’m at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some provisions for the next few hours. When I get back I’ll give you guys a little car tour!” I turn off my camera and grab my bag before heading into the convince store.

I only told Sam because I figured he could be the only one to keep Colby in line while I drove. He’s been talking about coming down to Maine to stay with me for a bit, and knowing him he would actually do it. I would have told Jake and Corey, but I feel like they would let it slip that I’m coming. I told Sam that he could tell them when I’m 5 minutes from the house. I’ve worked really hard planning this perfectly so that Colby won’t suspect a thing. I pre-filmed and edited this week’s YouTube video. I made a whole bunch of TikToks all over my parent’s house so I could post a few while I’m on the road and he would think I’m still there. I took a lot of selfies and boomerangs to post Instagram and to send to Colby. I even drafted tweets in case I got too tired to think of something after a long day of driving.

The only issue is when Colby wants to FaceTime; which is every day. I could probably get away with texting and calling him for the next few days. Despite the time difference, we like to fall asleep and wake up together. Well, I’m always asleep and awake first because of the time, but you get the point. We were THAT couple for the past four months.

I get some shots of me getting gas and filling the ice chest with snacks. This is going to be a long trip, but I made sure to only get a few snacks. I did get a lot of iced coffees just in case the gas station I stop at every morning doesn’t have the brand or flavor I like. You only make that mistake once.

“Okay guys, It’s 8:30 in the morning on a Monday, and in all honesty, my goal is to be in LA by Friday. Unless I drive for 5 days straight, that’s not going to happen. I think I’ll barely make it out of Maine today. Realistically, I probably won’t be home until next Monday, maybe even later. I do want you to know that I’m going to try to be safe and smart. All of my travel clothes are light and comfortable. I’m not going to be driving more than 8 hours a day. I’m going to get to the motels around 5 pm so I can get dinner and relax. I’m going to take a break every two hours to stretch my legs, eat, go to the bathroom, etc. I have compression socks to prevent blood clots. I have no real plans for this trip. Honestly, I don’t care how this goes. All I care about is getting home to Colby. I know that I’ve been talking about how depressed and lonely I’ve been without him, but I know that he feels the same way, maybe even worse. So I’m mainly doing this for him. And bub, if you’re watching this, I love you.” I close the camera again and turn on my GoPros to get some shots of my driving.

****

“Did you hear they might extend the quarantine again?” Colby says on the other line. I’m eating breakfast in my car. I spent the night in Denver. I have two more states to drive through before I’m finally in California. The trip is taking a bit longer than I anticipated. It’s Friday and I’m a quarter of the way home. I’ve already driven through ten states, but the fact that I have about three to four more days until I can be in Colby’s arms again is what’s keeping me going.

“I didn’t hear about that. I’ve been trying to spend less time on the internet lately. That sucks. That means we’re not going to be able to see each other until like next year or something.” I can’t help by smile. Sometimes when I lie I have the urge to laugh. I’m generally good at hiding it, but I keep thinking about the look I’m going to see on Colby’s face when I see him.

“Don’t say that. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we started hanging out. It’s already been killing me the past few months. Maybe I could come down to visit you for a few weeks.” He’s been saying that so often, I’m afraid he’s going to sneak out of the house to surprise me in Maine.

“I would love that, babe, but we talked about this. I don’t want to risk you getting sick. I know it’s hard, but we need to wait this out, I promise everything will change soon. Very soon. Oh shoot, I got to get my laundry before my mom gets upset. I’ll call you tonight. I love you.”

“I love you too, princess.” I hang up and just stare at my phone for a bit. A picture of Colby that I took before I left is my lock screen. I didn’t technically lie about the laundry. I brought only a few days worth of clothes and I needed to wash them. So I grabbed breakfast near a laundry mat so I could kill two birds with one stone. I’ve also been texting Sam to keep him updated. We still don’t know how I’m going to surprise Colby. We agreed to talk about it when I’m closer to California so we don’t jinx anything. He’s had to stop Colby from buying a plane ticket a couple of times. I’m so glad that I told him or else this whole trip would have been for nothing.

By the time I get to a motel every night, I get so anxious that I want to start driving again. The only thing keeping me sane is editing parts of the video and stopping at gift shops in every state I drive through to get souvenirs for everyone. I get something specific for Colby and me and then a bunch of cute $1 items for everyone else so they can choose what they want. Our friend group is too big for me to buy bigger things for each of my friends. I’ve already spent close to $300 on gas on this trip so far.

****

“Hey, is anyone near you?” I ask Sam as I pack my stuff back into my overnight bag.

“I’m in my room and everyone is either asleep or getting breakfast, what’s up?” I hear Sam moving in the background.

“I’m definitely going to be in Los Angles today. I have four and a half hours left, give or take, until I’m at the house. Are the plans for today set?” I double-check that I have everything before heading out to my car. I load my stuff into my car and head to the front desk to check out. I pay and return my key before finally heading back to my car.

“Yeah, I mean there isn’t much we can do. Thank God the shops are finally, open. I can distract Colby by going to the mall or something. Jake and Corey are going to be home to let you in and help you get your stuff. I’m going to see where Colby is and tell them right now. Hopefully, they don’t let anything slip.” I hear a door open in the background.

“Yeah, I would definitely kill them myself if they did. Anyway, I have to start driving. I’ll text you when I’m about halfway there and then call you when I get there. Keep me updated on your end please!” I start the car and plug in the address into my GPS app.

“Will do. Drive safe and talk to you later.” Sam hangs up the phone as I readjust everything. I turn on my road trip music and get ready to get breakfast.

Last night when I was talking to Colby, I was texting Sam. We finally settled on how I was going to surprise Colby. Sam is going to get Colby out of the house while Jake and Corey sneak me into the house. They’re going to also help get my stuff out of my car. While Sam and Colby are out, I’m going to get a quick tour of the house and change out of my gross road trip clothes so I can look like a decent human. The three of us are going to hang out downstairs. When they get home we’re going to call them into whatever room we’re hanging out in and boom, surprised boyfriend.

****

Jake and Corey help me set up the last few cameras so I can get Colby’s reaction. They also helped me hide my car. Not that Colby would notice, but I didn’t want to take any chances. They showed me around the house a bit, and honestly, I almost didn’t recognize it from when I was looking at the house with them months ago. Seeing the house in person feels so different than seeing it in videos and FaceTime chats with Colby. Being here makes it real. Sam texted us saying that they were around the corner. That’s when we turned on the camera. I brought lunch for everyone so the three of us are just eating in the kitchen and catching up.

My heart is racing. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous to see my own boyfriend. Maybe it’s because I have no idea how he’ll react. I’ve been kind of giving him the cold shoulder the past few days because I’ve been driving. We haven’t talked as much as we have been for the past four months while I was in Maine. I don’t why, but part of me feels like he’ll be a different person.

“We’re home!” I hear Sam call out from the front of the house. My heart immediately drops to my stomach from nerves. I tightly grip the counter that I’m sitting on to keep myself from falling off.

“We’re in the kitchen. We have lunch for you guys.” Jake responds. I stop breathing for a second.

“I’ll be there in a second. I have to go put my things down.” Colby calls out. I’m so glad that we hid my stuff. I had a feeling Colby would go to his room first. Maybe he’s still the same Colby I left here four months ago.

Sam walks into the kitchen while putting his phone away. He walks over to me and gives me a quick hug. We all wait, whispering, for Colby to join us in the kitchen. The nerves don’t leave my body as he takes longer to come back. Eventually, we hear his footsteps on the stairs.

“Sorry I was… Y/N?” Colby stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. He blinks a few times before a huge grin creeps on his face.

“Hi,” is all I can manage to squeak out. I managed to lose my voice at the sight of Colby.

“Y/N, is that really you? What are you doing here?” Colby starts walking towards me. I hop off the counter and meet his halfway.

“I’m home,” I whisper as I hug Colby, “I missed you so I came home.”

Colby hugs me back for a second before letting go and placing both hands on either side of my face. He looks deep into my eyes and I can’t help but start to cry. I haven’t seen Colby in so long, I can’t believe that I’m standing right in front of him. He kisses my forehead and engulfs me in a hug. I squeeze him tight like he’ll disappear if I let go. I’ve been gone for so long that I forgot what it felt like to hold Colby in my arms.

“I can’t believe you’re here right now. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Colbs. I missed you so fucking much it hurt. I finally feel whole again.” For the first time in months, Colby leans in and kisses me softly. Everything feels right in my world again now that I’m here. Even though I’ve been back in LA for at least 20 minutes, I didn’t feel like I was home until this very second: in Colby’s arms.

#Colby brock #colby brock imagine #colby brock imagines #imagine #imagines #traphouse #traphouse imagine #traphouse imagines #trap house #trap house imagine #trap house imagines #sam and colby #sam and colby imagine #sam and colby imagines #fluff #fluff imagine #fluff imagines #colby x reader #colby brock x reader

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kirstinmaldonado · 4 years

Text

CHAPTER TWELVE 2.0

I started the last two chapters, happy to have something of substance to talk about, me being at home, improvements I was seeing, maybe even some rightful disappointment at some people’s lack of care in their actions…but like clockwork the beginning of the week brought in new developments and my mind drifted focus. My fingers lost the spark to write about feel-good situations when the chaos in the world seemed to extinguish the flame.

I was in Texas just two weeks ago but it honestly feels like forever, as if time is confused on what pace its on. The USA seems to be confused as well.

Theme parks across the nation are opening up. Some flights are back to full capacity. The world seems caught on a pendulum of thought: “Are we good enough to pretend and pass like we can go back to normal?”

Meanwhile, people are still getting sick. People are still dying. Protests are still happening, although it apparently doesn’t serve the media to still be airing that. Justice has still not been served for those we’ve lost: Breonna Taylor, Vanessa Guillen, Elijah McClain, and so many more. The media and internet is ablaze with people ridiculing, attacking, or making fun of each other, on top of everything going on.

I wonder if I’m a part of that sometimes. While I still think protesting for “bar lives” is unfathomable and tone deaf, while it was so easy to ridicule because it was so insanely insensitive to compare to the BLM movement, did I help to further a narrative full of spite? Did I egg on anger and divisiveness, did I unintentionally help create arguments online? Did I give a platform that I don’t agree with more attention by calling attention to it?

I’m all for the hard but important conversations. I love them, to be honest. My family and I had many thought-provoking conversations when I was home, about what they’ve experienced with racism, about our opinions on all sides. It was wonderful to expand our ways of thinking using past and present! I think we all walked away with more rounded backing to our opinions, me included, and I’m thankful to have a family that can be so open and willing to discuss.

Yet, those conversations can’t be condensed into however many characters can fit in to a tweet. The art of negotiating is not all about winning, it’s also about empathizing. It’s about explaining and getting the opponent to understand your side and school of thinking; if you just tear them apart for their lack of understanding or different opinion, how can they ever fully understand or want to, especially if you are the one trying to teach them something not in their wheelhouse?

Racism, of course, is non-negotiable.

Everything else, and it’s a lot, that we have encountered in the last few weeks (mainly dealing with COVID) feels like it’s cumulatively driven us to a breaking point, to a point where I don’t really feel like I live in the “United” States of America. I feel like we are now all pitted against each other, immediate to defend our point, and jumping to 10 because honestly we are tired of the bullshit.

I get it. I do. But in the last few days while I’ve watched coronavirus cases develop, “Karens” making a fool of themselves in public places and endangering people’s lives with their sense of entitlement, while watching Hamilton for the first time and seeing good and bad critiques, Kanye running for president, while I’ve cried over Vanessa and what happened to her only to have someone try to belittle my reaction compared to others we’ve lost, I realized something.

Chaos. All chaos.

How can we make real change when we are all just screaming? How can we move mountains when we are pushing from two opposing sides? And while we have made progress, will we have the sensibility to keep with it or will our boiling frustrations overrule and distract us from our end goal, lasting and transformative change for the betterment of BIPOCs and everyone?

I’m not hating on our progress. And I’m not vilifying people’s reactions to things not in your school of thought, albeit insanely frustrating things. I’ve been there and am there. The amount of Facebook posts I’ve written novels for, the shock I feel on a daily basis for some people, is all still there. Yet, my sadness for this world and how to heal it has crept in and bated me.

What can “I” do to make a difference?

Hating and bashing things is our new normal, our humor has become intertwined with it so much that we ridicule and make jokes out of everything. Click-bait headlines only stoke the flames. Coronavirus is still surging every day, and you know what, some people can’t pretend to go back to “normal” amongst it all.

The entertainment business, for example, won’t be back up and running for… who knows? I wouldn’t be surprised if Broadway was closed for longer than a year. We rescheduled our tour in hopes that we would be able to go, but with the way things are looking I can’t help but feel distressed about the outlook for the entertainment industry/shows all around. So many people’s “normal” won’t come back at all until we get a headway on this virus, and it’s gonna take us all coming together for that to work as well. We have to truly be THE UNITED states of america.

As a side-note, Pentatonix has never been this stationary since we started…and that’s bittersweet too. Never take anything for granted, guys.

So while I dissolved into a puddle over Vanessa and how I don’t even know how to help mediate the world anymore, with people at each others throats literally and figuratively all the time, with good people and bad people on every side, I returned to a very old school of thought for myself.

Be kind.

What can “I” do every day?

Yes, use my platform as a strong voice of advocacy, try to filter through everything to make sure I’m posting facts and not scare-mongering or leading anyone astray from what they should be seeing.

I’ve protested. Signed petitions. Written emails. I tried to raise awareness and bring everyone along with me on my journey as I learned, which I thought was helpful.

But I forgot about the most important thing, the thing that’s been ingrained in my head since I was a child for better for worse, the one thing that even though practiced vehemently, never always comes back guaranteed.

Be kind.

I lost that somewhere along the way, a bit. I could feel my soul hardening at how cruel some people can be, I felt how easy it was to smite and bash people’s names who have done far worse. I felt my eyes cloud with hate.

For a long time I thought the battle was human vs earth and I was always so sad to see how easily we destroyed such a precious gift.

Now I know at its core that the real problem is human vs human: how to one up each other, how to be more successful, how to win, how to be MORE all the time. That feeling has been slowly poisoning us and our empathy and compassion towards others. That feeling is not about bettering oneself, it’s about greed and it spreads like cancer.

For a long time, I didn’t want to “be kind” like a Disney princess anymore. I was tired of trying to use kindness as a shield as if people’s actions did not hurt me. I was mad at my kindness for blinding me and letting me get hurt. I thought the phrase “kill them with kindness” was stupid, because I was the one that kept getting hurt.

But my kindness did not do that to me. I did not do that to me.

People did. Hurt people. Confused people. People that had problems within themselves that were in no way a reflection of me. People with opposing views. Those people are not my fault. Those people don’t get to have their anger bleed in to my life, they don’t get to poison my disposition with their greed and animosity.

What can I do?

Every day, I can make a point to not be divisive. To not so easily make fun of things, belittle, call names, etc.

I can tone down my “complaining” online. I can not get so upset and rush to attack people that would be hard to get my point across to anyway online, so I don’t work myself up for hours about one internet troll when I could be doing other more important things. Why lose sanity over someone only wanting to argue? Why revert to the name bashing, why invite more stress and anger in to my life, even though there’s enough anyway with what’s going on in the world?

As I uncovered more history, had more awakenings and understandings, and dealt with my own personal stresses, I felt my strength oscillating and now I know why. I was so hardened with hate and disbelief, I felt like a fool living in a world that said it was something else. And...I left my best ally behind in my own rush for MORE.

Kindness.

Empathy. Understanding. Patience.

So for July, I’ve decided to take care of myself a little more. Take care of others. Make sure that I am not contributing to anyone’s pain, and only being an ally to amplify voices that need to be heard.

There’s a kinder way to say everything. There’s a kinder way to live. Amongst all this chaos, maybe if we were all a bit kinder, we could ease the waves of tension and calm the storm. Maybe if we could see past ourselves, we could make a lasting change for us all.

I changed my bio the other day. We must be like the sunflowers, pulling toxicity from the ground and air. Nature’s helper. I said I would be like that.

They don’t contribute anything negative, they just stand tall and strong, a mediating force in a world that needs purifying.

So, I will armor myself with my strength, knowledge, and kindness.

And see about tomorrow.

#blog 2.0

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nevergenders · 5 years

Text

set it off in las vegas on friday (jan 17, 2020)

i showed them my new tattoo which they LOVED, i gave them a trans flag that i wrote on, and generally just had an incredible time. read under the cut!

so my friend bribri (@sarcasticloser7 on twitter) forced me to go before her at vip because i was freaking out with all this hyperactive energy and i was like “noooo!!!” she was like “you should go so you stop freaking out” and i was like “yeaH PRoBabLy”

so when our friend nicole had walked away they turned to see me and both cody and maxx went “nick!!!”

maxx gave me just such a tight hug. that was fantastic. it pretty much overshadowed my memories of codys (first) hug and i only vaguely remember hugging zach because for once he gave me a two arm hug haha.

i went “do you guys wanna see my tattoo??” and they were all like “yeah!!” and i struggled for a moment to take off my jacket sleeve (as you can see in the video) but i told him it was a photo of him holding my hand during the haunting in february and that cole got his handwriting for the lettering in july and cody said “i just got goosebumps! that’s so sweet” and i didnt see it in person but maxx was smiling just such a big smile!! and cody looked just so touched he turned into this 🥺 emoji and gave me just such a CUTE hug. (video post)

i was rushed into photo position and i auickly said “you can give me bunny ears if you want” and cody did last second and it’s so cute. and i ALMOST forgot to give them mine and si’s letters but i gave that before i left and at the end of the video you can just see maxx and cody smiling SO BIG.

(group photo post)

so then we played heads up, and once cody was done with his turn he stood between me and bri and it was probably because he knew we wouldn’t act all weird about it but in my brain i was still like “HUHHH???”

anyways that was really fun and maxx ended up winning. people were fucking yelling at first though i didnt even like try to help fjdjdj also cody dropped his keys which was kinda funny

anyways when that was all done with it was hang out time, i went to maxx first because it seemed like there was the least amount of people around him. i told him how in the past year my life turned around because they built up my confidence so much and he said “well you SHOULD have confidence!” and praised my covers and said “and even your original music is really good” that was like a really great slap in the face because sometimes on-stream in my head it sound like he’s playing up how he feels about it for the sake of the crowd and trying not to sound like an asshole but he really just said that to my face excitedly with no one else listening. THAT was cool.

i talked to zach next, i had to tell him i did the killer in the mirror mashup and the lonely dance mashup, and also told him that i thought it was very sweet that he was checking up on me in july. i think he was feeling under the weather though :( right after he walked offstage he tweeted about how much he hated being sick on tour, i hope he feels better :(

and i definitely talked too much with cody but he definitely wanted to talk to me too. i told him the same thing i told maxx but put a little more emphasis on how much i didn’t have any confidence at all, to which he said “i’ve had moments like that too” and i told him now i have the most confidence i’ve had in a very very long time. and this time i had him take the selfie because i was shaking so much my photo with zach was blurry (woops!)

(selfies post)

and i dont remember exactly what was said to elicit this but as i was about to walk away i brought up the fan power award and how i wanted to cry reading the article and he said “i’m so glad we got that award out of anything else” and i said “you deserve it” and he said “thats all of us, you guys too”

anyways yeah i spent way too long talking with him bc they had been almost out of time and he had to fuckin speedrun the rest of the people in line signing things and taking selfies and right as he was leaving i told him to look out for something i was going to give during the set.

we went back outside, and i bought merch for myself and cole, and someone who didnt have their card and sent me money on mobile. damn! and then we stood outside for so long i was like “why am i here” i was tired and also tired of waiting.

point north was actually pretty good, kellin came out for one of their songs which i was NOT expecting in the slightest (cole was fucking shook, not emotionally prepared). belmont i wasn’t as big of a fan of and i kinda got bored but there were some people there that were super into it, there was a pit and a fair amount of crowdsurfers.

when set it off came on i wasn’t losing my mind as much as i usually am but wow my serotonin levels!!!!! it was INSTANTLY noticeable that they seemed so much happier than when i saw them in july. cody especially was smiling so much, he was having such a good time. and might i say no disrespect is SO much fucking fun live, the left-right thing is super fun. during killer in the mirror cody went on top of the crowd like he usually does and i realized that that would be a good time to give the flag to him (the stage was really tall and the space between the barrier and the stage made me nervous) but he was a little too far and he stood up past me so he didnt see it. so i kept it until catch me if you can, which is when i originally planned to give it to him because wow that song is becoming like my life mantra. he finally saw it once i unfolded it a little and gave me a “gimme a second” finger. so for the second verse he walked over and motioned to give it to him and i was too scared to throw it over the gap so someone else did, and he struggled to unfold it and read what it said during the song so he just waved it a bit and put it on his mic stand. and after the song he opened up the flag with zach and read it, and pointed at me and hit his chest/heart, and he walked up to the mic and said “this is beautiful, thank you.” he kissed it and put it over maxxs drumset 🥺

for the next song i almost fuckin CRIED, he was singing to me so much and gave me a little finger heart and of course the thought in my mind was “why, i don’t deserve this” but then i thought about the tattoo and the past year and i got so emotional i thought i was gonna cry!!! fuck!!!

(gifset post) (video of unfolding flag) (video of holding up flag) (photo)

so yeah basically i am a mess. stan set it off stream catch me if you can and fuckin trans rights babey

#set it off #set it off adventures #ok last big post about this show aldskfjas no more content #sio jan 2020

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phoenix-downer · 5 years

Note

Hello! I haven't played KH III yet but I plan to. I have come across some really hateful posts on tumblr and even twitter about Sora and Kairi being together. It appears some people are really upset that Sora and Riku didn't become a thing and have downplayed Sora x Kairi's relationship as something as forced and not having chemistry. I had no idea this was even a thing. Can you tell me where this hostility came from? I thought it was obvious that they had feelings for each other.

Hello! Thanks for the ask! There’s a lot to examine here, but I’ll do my best to try to tackle the whole issue with tact and empathy. Light/very vague spoilers for K/H/3, E/ndgame, and F/M/A follow (with slashes so they hopefully don’t show up in the tags).

First of all, I’m so sorry you’ve stumbled across those kinds of tweets and posts. If I could, I’d shield everyone from having to deal with such hatred and negativity about something they enjoy. Doesn’t matter what you ship; no one deserves to deal with that level of toxicity.

Imagine going into a room and hearing people talk loudly about something you love, talk about how much they hate it and how much it sucks. Doesn’t make you feel very welcome, does it? But that’s exactly what’s happening here - you’re not the only one who’s noticed this. I have had to block or mute so many people because of the kind of bashing you describe. People purposely tagging their hate so that fans can see it, saying nasty things and picking fights in a way that makes you wonder what they get out of being so cruel and vicious.

I’ve seen it so much that I’m extra sensitive to it now too; I block much more quickly than I did in the past. And I would advise other people to do the same. You don’t owe anyone access to your social media. They’re not entitled to your time or energy, either. You don’t owe it to them to read their hate. By blocking them, you take away part of their audience, you take away their attention. And the thing is, they want that attention. They want to make other people angry and miserable because they’re angry and miserable. And you don’t have to give them the satisfaction.

Sadly, because twitter and tumblr have such poor moderation, no one running these sites is doing much to stop these people. In fact, the platforms even encourage that kind of behavior, because the loudest people get the most attention. So that encourages and emboldens the kind of nasty behavior you’re seeing.

Now, this is not to say there is never room for criticism, because there is, but that is a very different thing from what you’re describing, which is plain old bashing. Criticism and critique are offered in the hope that something will improve; bashing is done to express pure vitriol, and it isn’t productive for anyone. It might feel good in the moment, but in the end it just leaves people bitter and empty.

There are plenty of people critiquing K/H and how the games went and how the various character arcs unfolded and how the relationships developed, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Shutting down all criticism isn’t healthy; it should be allowed and encouraged, as constructive criticism leads to healthy dialogue, both with other fans and with S/quare E/nix. And Square has listened to fans in the past; they’ve fixed issues with gameplay that occurred when 1.5 and 2.5 were ported to the PS4 and converted to 60 fps, for example.

Neither is there anything wrong with venting to a close friend in a private setting - DMs, PMs, on your personal blog or twitter account with the ship you’re criticizing censored somehow so that everyone who likes it doesn’t have to stumble across your venting. Heaven knows I’ve had to vent a lot to stay in the fandom without lashing out. The issue is when someone thinks it’s okay to force their anger and negativity onto other people who don’t want to see it or hear it.

So the question is, why are we stumbling across such strong feelings? Because it’s clear people feel pretty strongly about all this.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer as to why this is happening, but I’ll take a shot at explaining what might’ve happened all the same. I’m sure if you asked someone else, they might give you a different answer, and it’s worth getting multiple perspectives. This is just my two cents, and naturally, it’s going to be biased towards my experiences and preferences.

The shipwars in the K/ingdom H/earts fandom have been nasty for years. From what I can gather, they got really bad when KH2 was released, though I’m sure there was probably drama before then. S*kai fans and S*riku fans did not see eye to eye on how that game went, and it’s all been downhill ever since. People on both sides have been mean and nasty, I’ve seen them be nasty, hurling insults and slurs and accusing each other of awful things to the point that the question of “who started it” is pretty much moot at this point. A more productive question would be, “how can we end it and get along, or at least start treating each other better?”

Now, since I ship S*kai (obviously), I’ll share why this is such a touchy subject for me personally. I’ve been in fandom for a while now, and something I’ve noticed is just how much fans tend to hate female characters because of sexism and internalized misogyny.

I was in the M/C/U fandom before this, and Sh*ron’s actress got death threats around the time C/ivil W/ar came out from angry shippers. And then P*ggy’s actress has likewise been harassed after E/ndgame came out by, again, angry shippers. I was a big F/M/A fan back in the day, and W*nry got so much hate from, you guessed it, angry shippers. I remember a friend back then rolling her eyes and bashing W*nry, and when I asked her why she hated her, she couldn’t really give me a clear answer other than that she was “whiny.”

Heaven forbid a female character not be completely perfect.

Over and over, I saw this pattern repeating. A female character gets hate because there is a popular alternate pairing that she “gets in the way of.” Even before I had the vocabulary to talk about it, the hatred just struck me as very gendered. I never saw that level of hatred for any of the male characters unless they were written to be hated (hello Shou T*cker). And I was likewise harsher on female characters than on their male counterparts. It took me years to realize what I was doing and to try to put a stop to it.

So then I came to the K/ingdom H/earts fandom with all that background and baggage, dealing with years of people hating characters I liked and looked up to and identified with, and I saw the same thing happening again. Yet another female character getting nasty hate because of her gender, because she dared to like a boy who was shipped with another boy. Because she dared to fall in love. How dare she have feelings, how dare she be feminine, how dare she wear pink and have a flowery Keyblade. How dare her strength of heart be stronger than her physical strength. There is only one kind of strength that matters, and it’s how hard you can kick someone’s ass (wrong, wrong, wrong, and one look at the whole power of friendship thing this series revolves around would tell you that).

How dare K*iri not be an instant expert at fighting, which is cruel and ironic because if she was an instant expert at fighting, everyone would be crying Mary Sue. How dare she sass and tease S*ra, she’s such a bitch. Oh, she doesn’t tease him as much in K/H/3 and is more gentle and supportive because he’s going through hell and nearly loses everything and she knows he needs her support now more than ever? She’s a complete pushover!

See what I mean by how hard people are on female characters? K*iri can’t win no matter what she does. She could have the best character arc ever post K/H/3 and people would still find something to complain about. That’s not to say I don’t have issues with how she’s written, I just think the criticisms against her tend to be way overblown. There aren’t enough discussions about how she could improve moving forward (though I have seen them, and thank you to those of you who do have them!), instead people just write her off completely as useless and worthless and want to improve her character by… dropping her out of the story completely (and yes, I’ve run into someone who actually thought this would be a good thing and always felt the need to talk about it, and it absolutely drove me up the wall).

And worst of all, she can’t win because S*ra fell in love with her. Really, it’s ironic that she gets as much hate as she does for something S*ra did. She had no control over S*ra falling in love with her, and yet she is absolutely despised by people because he did. She isn’t “good enough” for him apparently, whatever that’s supposed to mean.

I share all this to explain why I was so sensitive to the issue coming in. I saw the same thing happening I’d experienced time and again and I was so exhausted. So tired of it. I didn’t want to deal with it again, and I was on my guard right from the start. Especially because it’s so normalized in online KH communities to bash K*iri and S*kai. The major ones, too, with lots of people and a wide range of (or lack thereof) of shipping preferences, not just dedicated shipping groups. Try to go an entire discussion without seeing it come up… it’s a lot harder than you might think.

At first I tried to be patient and understanding. Other people have different tastes, and I wanted to be understanding of that. But after years of watching the bashing happen, my patience ran thin. I was sick of seeing it enabled in major K/H communities, sick of seeing mods refuse to put a stop to it, or worse, low-key join in with the bashing, sick of having to put up with so much negativity when all I wanted was somewhere to discuss something I enjoyed. Some people seemed almost gleeful, almost eager in their bashing; any time K*iri was brought up, they felt compelled to express their hatred for her. They were more obsessed with her than her actual fans were; felt more passionately (albeit negatively) about S*kai than some actual S*kai shippers did.

When I reached that point, the point where I was tempted to be negative and snappy and rude, I knew I couldn’t engage with certain people anymore. So I stopped trying. I searched for S*kai fans here on tumblr and stuck with them. I didn’t want to add to an already tense situation, and thankfully, there are other people who feel the same way (but more on that later).

And on the S*riku side of things, some of them have shared that they have been told nasty homophobic things for shipping S*riku. And for many of them, I’m sure S*riku is a way of expressing their identity, a way of exploring their feelings and expressing them in a safe, welcoming way with fellow fans who get what they’re going through. Representation has gotten better in recent years (though it still has a long way to go), but back when the K/H games were first coming out, things were different, and people had to take what they could get from canon and run with it if they wanted to see more content that represented them.

I’ve also seen a few people say that certain S*kai fans went out of their way to message them and rub what happened in K/H/3 in their faces. That kind of gloating is bound to upset anyone, yikes. Canon has become the new gold standard for shipping in the last decade or so, and it has sadly been weaponized in the ever-nastier ship wars, when really, a ship’s value shouldn’t be based on how “canon” it is but on the joy it brings to people.

So yeah, we have a situation where enough people on both sides were treating others poorly that everyone got defensive, because how could you not when people keep attacking something you love, especially if you feel strongly about it/associate it with your identity? And that made people more likely to lash out, and when they did, people got even more defensive, and the cycle repeated, over and over and over again.

And you know how I mentioned I sought refuge with likeminded fans? I think that happened all over the fandom. People seek out those who will support them and support their beliefs and form identities and communities based around them… and that’s a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it’s great to get so much support, especially if you’re seeking refuge from a particularly nasty ship war. Having a safe place to vent and unwind and finally get to talk about what you love without fear of getting hate over it is awesome.

On the other hand, things like echo chambers, confirmation bias, groupthink, and the false consensus effect flourish in those kinds of situations. If all you hear is that XYZ pairing must be canon or will be canon in a future game from the group of people you’ve surrounded yourself with, and everyone enthusiastically agrees because everyone ships the same thing you do and of course no one is going to rain on that parade, it can come as quite a shock when a new piece of canon comes out and doesn’t align to your expectations. Especially if you’ve spent years expecting canon to align with your expectations.

We lose something when we can’t engage in healthy dialogue with people who disagree with us. Our perceptions get warped, our memories might even get warped, and what we could’ve sworn was canon… we might be surprised to see wasn’t, when we revisit the source material with a more critical eye or listen to someone who sees things differently than we do.

But how can we have that healthy dialogue when there’s been so much bad blood? How can we listen to each other when there’s no trust? It’s nearly impossible, so instead we reinforce the beliefs and ideas our own communities already hold fast to, and the cycle continues. We draw lines in the sand separating “us” vs. “them” and don’t give each other a chance. Not only does this alienate people on opposite ends of the shipping spectrum, it also alienates multishippers because they’re considered “traitors” to both sides, and that is an uncomfortable place to be.

I think that’s why you find the whole thing so jarring. I’m guessing you might not be as heavily involved with the fandom as I am, and have thus been largely immune from the perils of echo chambers and confirmation bias. So for you it must seem really weird that something that seems clear to you is so contentious to other people. I don’t say this to throw shade at anyone, because I know the same thing would’ve happened if the pairings had gotten switched around. It’s more of an observation of a phenomenon I’ve seen happen over and over again throughout the years.

So all of that is to say, things are tense because of all these backgrounds and experiences and histories people bring into the fandom. No one exists in a vacuum, and things were already tense before K/H/3 even came out. K/ingdom H/earts has been such an important part of many people’s lives and growing up experiences that they feel a deep connection to it and almost a sense of ownership of it. It’s a shared story, a shared experience. It belongs to all of us, in a way, and yet it’s still N*mura’s baby.

And that’s where we run into more issues. How much say should fans have in a work of art? Does the creator get the final say in interpretation, or should she accept that once her creation has been released into the world, it’s up to other people to interpret what she meant? There are no easy answers to these kinds of questions, and they’re widely debated and discussed (see: the whole death of the author debacle).

However, while I think feeling a sense of ownership and investment in a piece of art is totally fine, it crosses the line when it gets into the realm of entitlement. By this I do not mean asking for more representation, because that is a perfectly good thing to ask for; I mean demanding that the creators cater to your whims… or else. I mean contacting people who worked on the game on twitter and demanding they change the story to make it “right.” I mean directly telling one of the VAs you want her replaced because you thought she did a bad job. And yes, I am talking about actual stuff I’ve seen happen in this very fandom. All of that has also left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and other people I’ve talked to have felt the same.

That being said, shipping in and of itself is not the problem. For every nasty tweet and bashing post out there, there are plenty of kind and good people who are just there to enjoy their ships. Lovely artists and talented writers and skilled gif makers and editors creating a wealth of beautiful content for something they love. People who would never harass others for their shipping preferences and are disgusted by those who do. Unfortunately, they’re not the ones getting the attention, and they’re probably not the ones you’re going to run into if you ship a different ship, as they tend to stick to their own spaces out of courtesy and respect.

This means that the people you are more likely to run into are the ones who want to pick fights. The ones who bash and stir up drama and tell people to kill themselves for shipping XYZ. While there are plenty of people being cruel and nasty and toxic, there are good people in the fandom too. Kind, caring people who will see you as a person first and not an XYZ, even if they don’t agree with you on everything. They’re quiet(er), because kindness isn’t usually flashy and showy, but they’re here. You just have to know how to find them.

Thanks for the ask! I tried to answer this as fairly as I could, based on my observations and things I’ve been stewing over for a while now, so I hope it sheds more light on the situation.

#answer #kagome1991 #long post #i don't usually participate in the discourseTM but these thoughts have been on my mind for a while and I wanted to get them written out #kh discourse #kh3 spoilers #fma spoilers #endgame spoilers #no super heavy spoilers or anything I'm just tagging them to be safe

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cmykayleena · 5 years

Note

cf-sims is thinking about deleting her profiles because of you. How does that make you feel? What you and your clique did to her after you banned her unfairly from your server is absolutely terrible. What cause do you have to attack her so hard for? The ban wasn't enough for you? I've reported your twitter and tumblr, and I'm not going to stop until you realize how wrong you are and how much you hurt her. Fuck you!!!

This is getting quite ridiculous. First let me say that I have the right to ban anyone from my server as I see fit. Second I will say that I am a pretty fair person and only ban when I absolutely have to. THIRD - she wasn’t banned because we disagreed with her opinion; she was banned for bashing the server - which, might I add, is against the rules of the server. Let’s get deep into this, because I’m getting fucking sick of this shit and the hate messages I have received for my decision to ban her. (I apologize to everyone who follows me who doesn’t want to see drama on their dashboard. I’m not one for drama so it severely upsets me that I have to make this post. However, this will be the ONLY post I make on this subject.)

Read on if you want, and I ask anyone who does to make your own judgement on this, because I’m not here to sway anyone from one side to another but it’s clear that both sides of the story need to be brought to the surface.

Thursday afternoon is when CF-Sims was banned from S4MM. It started with a member asking for opinions on whether or not it was okay to share CC in a zip folder when uploading a sim for others to download. The consensus was no and afterwards CF added her opinion which was the opposite of the majority. Here are the screenshots:

So in the next screenshot CF derails the subject in what some believe to be an attempt to question my rules. They believe she was preparing to call me out for being a hypocrite when it comes to swearing. I swear on my Tumblr but I don’t allow excessive swearing in my server.

At this point I’m tired of the subject interrupting the main channel and people’s conversations so I shut it down (plus I’m at work during this time and can’t really pull myself away).

Some time passes and I’m shown a tweet that CF posted a few hours after I shut down the debate on creator TOUs vs EA’s TOUs on CC.

So, she calls me a hypocrite because I curse on my Tumblr all the time but don’t allow it in my server. But let me correct her perspective: I curse all the time on Tumblr (all the time outside of the computer) and don’t allow excessive cursing in my server. It’s a place for all ages, therefor cursing should be to a minimum if it’s used at all. So I banned her with this message:

Admittedly I let my frustration get the best of me, and so the ban reason resulted in me mimicking her post on Twitter. We’re all human, and none of us are perfect. After this I thought it would be done and over with, but my sassy ban caused her to go on a tirade of sorts. In the screenshot below you’ll see her next tweet and the responses from some of the mods.

So she gets a few more replies from some of my moderators telling her why she was truly banned and she proceeds with another tweet.

After a couple more responses she deletes her three tweets:

She continues on in her replies to her followers who commented on her tweets calling us rabid dogs, children, and hypocrites all while being a hypocrite herself. I’m being shown all these tweets at this point and just hoping it all blows over. Some people act out when they’re moderated, some don’t. It’s just what you have to expect when you run and/or moderate a Discord server, no matter the size.

I’m not Twitter savvy, so these next screenshots I share may be out of order, sorry for that. (I’m also not blacking out the names of other people - not to rope them in and get them involved - but because anyone can get on Twitter and see these replies. They’re all public.

Name calling and judgement I’m assuming is due to my ban message saying that other members are kind, respectful, and generally decent people. I mean, I’m not lying. 99% of the members in my server are great people! Of course there are going to be some bad eggs in the mix - it’s the internet, it’s inevitable. On to more screenshots.

Key points here: My mods are rabid dogs at this point. I apparently have a clique, and CF didn’t attack us for our views. Let’s pull up that original tweet.

And on we go.

In response to the reply at the top of the screenshot. Feel free to temporarily join my server and judge for yourself if it has a high school vibe. I basically have an open door policy. You don’t agree with something I do in my server, my mods, or how something is handled you can come to me and let me know and I will do everything I can to make sure we’re on equal ground. Now, in that last reply the controversial view is the thing she continues to ride out in this scenario. She thinks it’s fine to upload a zip file on all CC used on a sim or in a lot and share it while giving credit to the creator rather than just linking to all the CC. Kind of a shitty thing to do, but she’s got free speech and her actions and words speak for themselves.

She pretty much is petty at this point and going against the character I think SHE believes she has. At this point it’s pretty clear to me what her character is.

Yea.. she totally moved on. Here I am rolling my eyes very dramatically.

I don’t think I’ve ever given my true age - I’ve just said I’m an adult player. I’m 34, for the record. All my mods range from in their 20s to my age.

So she just goes on, responding to every person and repeating herself.

Are you looking at the timestamp of these tweets? Apparently she’s got plenty of time for this.

So Friday comes along and I decide to open Tumblr when I have some downtime at work.

At this point I’m getting pissed. Why? Because I let her have her little rant all over Twitter without getting involved. My moderators were amazing and stuck up for me without being asked - there really wasn’t a reason for me to get involved and continue this very petty and ridiculous drama. But here I am, with a hateful anon. So I turned off anon asks and deleted this one without replying.

So I take a look at CF’s Twitter and see this:

Now she’s truly spouting lies at this point because I literally told her that excessive cursing is not allowed while cursing isn’t prohibited. I mean, the proof is there in the screenshots! At this point she’s just… laying it on super thick and I’ve had it. I decide it’s time for me to get involved and set the record straight. If only it were that simple.

I don’t have many screenshots for this because I was focused on correcting her lies and even directly responding to people in her threads to make sure they see the truth and judge for themselves what’s right and what’s not. I retweet her deleted tweet first and respond with this. And from here I will leave you to do what the internet does best and dig as deep as you can and want to in these Twitter profiles.

Here’s mine, and here are my replies. A lot of my replies include screenshots of my rules to clarify the swearing and why she was banned without warning.Here are the replies to my ‘clique of rabid dogs’ that attacked her so aggressively before I finally started responding to her: 1, 2, 3, and 4.Here are CF-Sims’ replies.

Note that absolutely NONE of us harass her, none of us call her names, and none of us actually act like rabid dogs.Take this information and judge for yourself what you think is true and what’s not right. I’m not here to sway you one way or another, but to shed the PROPER light on the situation as a whole.

This is my only post about this. Any anon hate will be deleted, any hate from alternate Tumblrs will be deleted. Yes I’m serious about a lawyer because I don’t put up with lies and slander. And yea… sorry I have to clog up your feeds with this bullshit drama.

#cmykay #cmykayleena #cf-sims #Caoimhe Faerydae #stupid fucking drama #sorry to clog your feeds with drama

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canonicallysoulmates · 5 years

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Go be a j2 tinhat to their face. Go tell them to their face that you """know"""" they fuck and are """married""". Tell them to their face how disgusting their wives are. How they are just beards and they mean nothing to them. If you so firmly believe it, do it. But we both know you won't. You're a coward. You think they don't see anything but there's sick people that share everything with them. They know. Oh and they are tired and done. You won't tell it to their face because you KNOW 1/2

Actually the reason I wouldn’t do that is because I’m not a *censored*.

Also, if I ever had the pleasure of having them face to face and got a minute of their time there are way more important things I’d want to tell them like how much i love them, if it was a private moment and I felt comfortable enough I’d like to tell them how much they mean to me, I’d ask questions about their projects past, present and future but that’s all a lie because the truth is that if I had them in front of me in person I would probably faint or be an absolute mess my brain would short circuit. (It’s actually the thing that worries me the most about to a con someday cause my goodness that would be so embarrassing if I had them face to face and instead of being cool, calm and collected I just burst into giggles like a schoolgirl or worse got so overcome with emotion that I cried like I know they would be understanding and sweet but I would want the earth to swallow me whole)

And I wouldn’t tell them “how disgusting their wives are” because not only is that rude af I do not believe D and G are disgusting, I may not like them and on occasion criticize them but I do not think they as human beings are disgusting. I also don’t believe “they mean nothing to them” I’m sure they care about them at the end of the day they are the mothers of their children, I don’t think they have an super close relationship but I think they are civil and friendly with each other.

I am not responsible for what others do, if some people decide to tag them or send them posts/tweets that speculate about their marriages or criticize D and/or G then the one in the wrong is the person who brought it to their attention not of those who post on our blogs and acc without tagging them; I have never tagged any of them in any of my tinhat posts and I have never asked anybody to tag them in any of my tinhat posts.

I don’t understand why you have put “believe” in quotations are you making a reference/quoting the times I have said I believe j2 are together or are you saying you don’t think it’s true that I believe j2 are together?

Why would me being a j2 tinhat mean I have no future ahead of me? Being a tinhat is not my profession, I do have a life outside of this blog.

I have in the past spoken out about criticizing the kids or wishing ill on them and how these things are wrong because they are innocent children and regardless of whether or not someone believes j2 are together, regardless of whether or not someone likes the wives the kids didn’t ask to be born into this situation. And I have said in the past that I don’t consider tinhat blogs who hate on the kids and hate on the wives excessively actual tinhat blogs.

I too can’t wait for this show to end but I don’t know what you mean by “free from y’all” tinhats are still going to be around after the show ends, both in the tinhat capacity and as fans because tinhats are fans so even after the show ends we’re still going to be here.

It’s so cool you can see into the future, can you tell me what j2′s careers are going to look like 10 years in the future? Was the Walker reboot a success? Did Jensen continue with his music?

Nobody here is crying.

Oh and you’re a trump supporter too that explains so much.

#j2 tinhat #anon #ask #Anonymous

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katiebug445 · 6 years

Text

Cold Coffee

Pairing: Jean/Armin Fandom: Attack on Titan Word Count: 5648 A/N: I found this sitting in my google docs. This was the very first Jearmin fic I ever wrote, waaay back from last winter. I never posted it anywhere because I didn’t think it was very good. But after a little bit of editing (see: I did the first half and got tired), I think it’s okay enough to post. It’s self indulgent as all fuck and Jean apparently has a cat named Brad? I don’t know...

Tick, tick, tick, tick, the steady, easy, rhythm of the clock on the wall behind him was about enough to put him to sleep.

Jean Kirstein leaned against the counter, his chin in his hand, and was itching for something to do. His eyes lazily followed people walking by outside, chatting amongst themselves as they went about their lives, and he longed to be out there with them, instead of stuck in his stuffy, overpriced coffee shop.

He hated days like this, the days when things were so slow, that watching paint dry would be preferable to being here another second. He glanced at the clock, and he was discouraged to find that only a minute and thirty seconds had passed since he checked it the last time. With a sigh, Jean pushed off the counter and scrubbed his hands across his face to wake himself up.

Thanks to Sasha and Connie coming in late Friday night and all day Saturday, they’d caught up on inventory, and he personally had helped them restock everything. Levi made sure everything was spotless when he arrived after lunch. There was nothing left for Jean to do aside from praying to whatever deity that was paying attention for a customer or two.

He didn’t even have homework to occupy him.

Jean could hear Eren and Mikasa in the back, bickering about a math test they had the following day, and only the prospect of losing his job kept him from mouthing off to Eren. He knew from experience that if Levi caught them at each other’s throats again, they’d both be fired on the spot. And Jean needed this job. Bad.

The sky was beginning to darken despite it being just a little after 4:00 in the afternoon, and Jean had a sinking feeling that it would probably be freezing by the time his shift ended. Great. With another glance around to make sure nobody was miraculously going to be heading inside, Jean pulled out his phone, opened up a couple social medias, and began scrolling.

Marco seemed to be having a blast at the convention he’d decided to go to last minute, and Jean wished he was with him. From the pictures he’d been posting, he was making all kinds of friends with cosplayers, and had an entire backpack full of merchandise that Jean was envious of. Sasha was out sick, and her twitter was nothing but a solid stream of tweets and selfies posted from her bathroom floor, and how wonderful a boyfriend Connie was for risking contracting whatever virus she had to keep her company.

With a sigh, Jean shoved his phone back into his arpon and went back to staring aimlessly at the door. He had half a mind to try hacking the speakers and pull up one of his playlists, but Levi had a strict policy about that (thanks to Eren) now, and he knew he’d get his ass handed to him if he tried.

Finally, he heard the bickering coming up from the back and after a moment, Eren emerged, his face red and his eyes murderous. Jean couldn’t help but snort. “What’s wrong? Did mommy and daddy have a fight?”

“Shut up.” Eren growled, leaning against the display case with his arms folded tightly across his chest. “It’s none of your business.”

“I beg to differ. If a fight’s gonna break out, I wanna make sure I get a good seat, and have enough time to put a hundred on Mikasa.”

“Are you looking to start a fight?”

“Not at all. Just wantin’ your girlfriend to know she’s got my support, is all.” Jean snickered.

“Will you shut up?”

“No.”

Eren stalked up to him, shoulders hunched and looking like he was about to punch him right in the face. He probably would have, too, if Mikasa hadn’t chosen that moment to poke her head out and break them up. She looked every bit as angry as Eren, and that cold stare of hers was about enough to make both boys fear for their lives. Instead of egging the hot headed idiot on anymore, Jean turned around and went back to staring at his watch while the lovebirds tried to resolve their issues in low voices at the opposite end of the counter.

It was by complete chance that he noticed him. Jean rolled his eyes at the two and let his gaze fall to the windows, just in time to see a mop of blond, wind-blown hair struggling at the door. Jean straightened up, trying not to look like he was pissed off or desperately looking for something to do, and put on his best customer service smile. “Afternoon,” he greeted.

“A-Afternoon.” The mop mumbled.

“What can I do for ya?”

The kid had just opened his mouth, and suddenly Jean was being shoved out of the way by the full force of Eren Jaeger. He opened his mouth to scream at him, to tell him to stop being a rude ass, but he decided against it last minute. No need to scare off their fist customer in over an hour. Jean swallowed his remark and relaxed his stance just a little.

Figuring that Eren had things under control, he didn’t think he was needed up there anymore. If he happened to bump into Eren on his way out and knock him a little off balance, though, he wouldn’t have complained.

When Jaeger called the drink order, Jean got to work, trying to catch whatever bit of conversation he could between Eren and the customer. It seemed like they knew each other, pretty well from the brunette’s sudden shift in tone. He thought he even caught him smile once or twice. Creepy.

When blondie’s hot chocolate was finished, Jean brought it up with a smile, and a little wink to the guy, who muttered a quick thanks. After that, he was on his way, and off to a table near the back. Once he was out of their eyeline, Jean wheeled on Eren and caught his arm before he could disappear. “Mind tellin’ me what the fuck that shove was about?”

“None of your business.”

“Kinda my business when you almost shove me down, Jeager.”

“Just stay out of it!”

With a roll of his eyes, Jean decided to drop it. He knew if he continued with it, either Mikasa would kill him, or Levi would fire him; neither of which he could afford right now. He did, however, flip Eren off when he wasn’t looking, though, and that brought him a small bit of satisfaction.

~~~

The next time Jean saw the blond was the first day of Christmas break. It was busy as hell, and he and Eren had been at each other’s throats their whole shift. They’d already gotten a warning from Levi, and Mikasa’s look promised horrible things if he said one more rude thing to Eren.

In short, he’d been having a horrible fucking day.

Jean was sulking at the register while he waited on Connie to finish the last round of drink orders, and drummed his fingers impatiently at the counter. The bell above the door jingled, and Jean looked up, recognition flashing across his face as the blond walked in, head half buried under a huge scarf and a hat that walked straight out of the ‘40s.

“Hi again.” Jean said, trying to sound cheerful. “I like the hat.”

The blond gave him a small, startled smile, and went to looking at the menu board. Jean waited patiently while his big, blue eyes scanned quickly over Levi’s handwritten words, and shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from drumming them again. He found himself staring at the boy across from him, watching as his lips moved while he read off the drinks, and decided that he was… kinda cute.

The blond must have noticed him staring, because he lowered his head and mumbled out something Jean didn’t catch.

“Say that again?”

“Can I just get a large hot chocolate?” He said just a bit louder.

“Sure thing. What’s the na--”

“I got it from here.”

Jean had no idea where Eren had come from, but he was suddenly there, shoving him out of the way again, and Jean actually had to bite down on his cheek to keep from yelling. That was twice, now. There was a reason Eren kept getting in the middle of this, and he wanted answers. Now.

The blond was taken care of, and he headed back to the small table in the corner of the store. Jean noticed, as he sat down, that the blond had a book in his hands. He tried to read the cover, but he couldn’t make it out from where he was. It wasn’t insanely important, anyways, he guessed.

Besides, he had bigger things to worry about right now.

Jean grabbed Eren by the arm, and felt as the smaller boy tensed up immediately. “Mind telling me what that was about?” Jean asked, raising his eyebrows.

Eren responded by pulling his arm back and walking away, sneakily flipping him off as he went.

~~~~

He came back the next day, at the same time, and thank God Eren had the day off.

It was near 6:00 in the evening, almost every table in the place was full up, and the heat was about enough to suffocate him. He’d been stuck at the register again, and thankfully, they were busy enough that he didn’t have a lot of time to think. Jean almost didn’t realize it was the blond at the register, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw who it was. “You’re back!” He said.

The blond smiled that same shy smile and gently asked for a large hot chocolate, and for the first time, Jean realized how soft of a voice the blond had. He liked it. He wanted him to say more things.

“Is the hot chocolate here really that good?” Jean asked. “I’ve never had it before.”

The blond looked up, and gave a small shrug. “It’s not that bad.”

“Well, what do I have to do to turn that ‘not bad’ into ‘pretty good’?”

“Uh…”

“I’m just kidding.” Jean replied, shooting him a smile. “What’s the name for the order?”

“Armin.” Said the boy.

“Armin.” Jean repeated. “Well, Armin, I’ll be sure to get that out to you soon, if you want to have a seat.”

“T-Thanks.” Armin replied, turning away from the counter and heading off to that same seat as the day before.

“Connie,” Jean called, turning back to his friend. “Go ahead and add a little whipped cream to that hot chocolate before you send it up. Forgot to say it.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the change enough for the addition, and left it on the counter until he could open the register again.

After a few moments, the drink was brought up, and Jean decided that instead of calling him up, he’d deliver it to Armin himself.

He grabbed the cup in his hand, hurried out from behind the counter, and headed off for Armin’s table. “Sorry about the wait,” Jean said by way of greeting, “We’re a little backed up right now, but it’s still warm.”

Armin jumped, his book falling out of his hands and onto the floor, and started apologizing for being a clutz. “Shoot, I’m sorry, I’ll get it, I’m sorry.” He kept mumbling.

“No, it’s okay.” Jean stopped him from bending down, and set his drink on his table. “I’ll get it.” He reached down and picked up Armin’s book, which was a battered copy of The Hobbit and handed it back to the boy with a gentle smile. “You like Tolkien?”

“Kinda?” Armin replied, gently taking the book back and clutching it close to his chest. “This is for school, though.”

“He’s good.” Jean said, his eyes flickering to the novel in the other boy’s hand again. “What’s your favorite?”

“I-I don’t know, this is the first I’ve read.”

“Well, that’s a good book. I promise. Kinda weird, but good.”

“Cool.” Armin replied.

They stood in an awkward silence for a moment, and, taking the hint that their conversation was over, Jean cleared his throat. “Well, Armin, enjoy your book, and your drink. Have a nice evening.”

“You too.”

Jean kicked himself the whole way back to the counter, wondering when he became such an awkward dweeb. Nobody would ever let him live that down if they found out.

~~~

It was freezing the next afternoon when he arrived at work. It had been raining since he woke up and the temperature was dropping rapidly. He wouldn’t have been surprised if by the end of the night, they’d have snow.

Jean took off his coat and shoved his hat in the breast pocket, hanging it up and rubbing his hands together to get some warmth back into them. “Hey, losers.” He said, getting a small scoff out of Eren. Jean snorted and went to clock in.

Much to his relief, Levi had the day off, which meant Marco was in charge, which meant they could goof off without the fear of being yelled at. Jean took the chance to hack into the bluetooth and put on his own music, which improved his mood even more.

Just as he predicted, by 4:00, the rain had turned to snow, and Marco had gone outside to put salt down on the sidewalk. Jean was busy repeating one of the songs he knew Eren hated for the fifth time when the door opened, and Marco walked back inside with Armin. Jean slid his phone back into his pocket as the opening chords started, and he heard Eren cussing him out from the back.

Jean covered up his laugh with a cough, and gave Armin that same smile. “Hi.” He said. This time, the other boy had a backpack with him, and he looked to be having a little trouble supporting the extra weight. Jean decided to have mercy on him and not chat him up too much right now. “Large hot chocolate, as usual?”

“Y-Yeah, thanks.” Armin said, shooting him a half smile before heading off to that same table again and setting his backpack on the ground. Jean couldn’t help but watch him. He pulled a laptop out of it and set it on the table, firing it up and hunching over when it turned on. He then pulled a pair of headphones out, stuck them on, and began clicking around.

Again, Jean personally took it upon himself to deliver Armin’s drink to him, and set it down on his table. When the smaller boy looked up, he slid his headphones down around his neck, and grabbed his drink. “I didn’t realize you knew Tolkien.” He said. “It surprised me.”

“Well, I’m not just a pretty face.” Jean replied, snorting.

Embarrassment colored Armin’s cheeks and he began to backtrack. “I-I didn’t mean it like that. You just didn’t… you didn’t strike me as the type, is all.”

“Oh?” The taller boy said, taking the seat across from Armin. “And what exactly is my ‘type’, Armin?”

Armin studied his face for a long few seconds, Jean shifting a little under the weight of his gaze, before he finally shook his head in defeat. “I don’t know.”

“Just don’t seem like the typical nerd?”

Armin just blushed and dropped his gaze to his computer, obviously embarrassed. “I don’t know. Forget I said anything.”

Jean wasn’t having it, though. He leaned forward on his side of the table, his arms resting on the pressed wood, and smirked. “Well, if it helps, I don’t know either. If you ask Eren, I’m nothing but an asshole.”

Armin turned back to the counter, finding his friend up at the counter, shooting glances their way every few seconds. The blond quickly turned back around and cast his eyes down again. “Well, Eren’s not always right about everything.” He muttered.

A small chuckle escaped Jean’s lips, and he got back to his feet. “I better get back. But hey, next time, don’t hesitate to talk to me about the book, alright? It’s a good one.”

“Noted.” Armin replied, watching Jean walk away. If he felt his cheeks get a little warm, he wouldn’t admit it.

~~~~

Armin showed up at the same time the next day, 4:00, and had his laptop with him again. Jean made sure he was front and center at the register, and greeted Armin with a flirty smile. “Large hot chocolate and the back table?”

Armin squinted, looking between Jean and the menu board for a few seconds, setting his laptop down on the counter. “How about a coffee this time?”

Jean just chuckled. “You got it. Anything else?”

“Two sugars and some time on your break?”

The taller boy blinked, not knowing what to say to that. Instead of saying anything, he nodded, and, with a slight blush in his cheeks, Armin took off for his normal table.

Jean just stared after him for a second, trying to process what just happened. Armin had been coming in for the last week, and he was always very shy. What brought on the change so suddenly? Shaking his head, he got started making the other boy’s coffee for him.

After a moment, he took it out, and set it down on the table. “I’ll be out soon, give me about twenty minutes, okay?”

“Okay.” Armin replied, shooting Jean a quick, barely there smile, before turning back to his computer and sliding his headphones up over his ears.

Jean found himself staring at Armin’s table several times, wondering what the sudden request was about. The most logical assumption was that he wanted to talk books, and Jean, well… he wouldn’t complain if that was it.

He found his eyes flickering up to the clock every few seconds, and was desperately counting down the time until he could tell Connie he was going on break.

“Alright,” Jean said, plopping down in the seat across from the smaller boy, “what’s up?”

Armin studied him for a moment, and slid his headphones down around his neck again. “How’d you get interested in books?” He asked. It sounded a bit dumber coming out of his mouth than it had in his head, but he was genuinely curious.

Jean ran his tongue over the sore spot in his cheek while he thought. “I don’t know… When I was young, my mom would read to me a lot. I guess I just… stuck with it as I got older.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, she’s… pretty cool. Don’t tell her I said that, though, alright?”

That pulled a laugh out of Armin, and the blond took a sip of his drink, lost in thought for a moment. “What are some of your favorite authors?”

Jean shrugged. “Steinbeck, King, Tolkien, obviously.” He chuckled, shooting the smaller boy a grin. “Harry Potter’s not that bad, either.”

Armin’s eyes lit up. “You know Harry Potter? What house are you?”

Jean leaned back in his chair, giving a small roll of his eyes. “Well, I personally thought I was Slytherin when I first got into the series, but according to Pottermore, I’m… I’m Hufflepuff.”

Armin couldn’t hold back a small laugh at hearing that, which he tried to hide behind his cup.

“In my defense, Marco and Sasha are, too.” Jean pouted. “But what about you?”

“Ravenclaw.”

“Wow. Nerd.”

“There wasn’t ever a question.” Armin replied, shrugging. “I knew from day one.”

Jean laughed to himself, watching the smaller boy as he typed away at his keyboard for a second or two. “What about you, Armin? How’d you get into reading?”

“My grandpa.” He said simply. “When I was little, he would show me pictures from when he used to travel. He had lots of pictures of the ocean. I always wanted to know more about it. I can remember we’d go to the library, and I’d always come away with a huge stack of books about the water, or marine life, and everything in between. Eventually, that just gave way to just a love for reading in general.”

“No fair, your story’s more heartwarming than mine!”

That startled a laugh out of Armin. “I’m sorry?”

“You should be!” Jean teased, “I have nothing to compete with!”

“Now that’s not a very Hufflepuff attitude, you should be ashamed.” Armin retorted, laughing again.

Jean snorted. “What about favorite authors?”

Armin thought for a moment, shutting the lid on his computer. It looked to Jean like this was a harder question for him than it should have been, and he couldn’t help but think it was kind of adorable.

“Well…” Armin started, eyes fixed on a photo on the wall. “I really like Rowling, obviously. I like John Green… Neil Gaiman.”

“I’ve read a few of Gaiman’s books. They’re pretty good.”

Armin smiled at that. “What about Terry Prachett?”

Jean shook his head. “Doesn’t sound familiar.”

“Jean!” Armin replied, a little louder than he expected. “You have to read Terry’s books! He and Neil were good friends before he died!”

“Okay, I’ll try to hunt one down.”

“Please!”

Jean opened his mouth to reply, but saw the time, and swore to himself. “I gotta get back or I’m gonna get in trouble. This was… kinda fun, Armin. Maybe we’ll do it again tomorrow?”

“Sure.” The smaller boy shot him a smile, and took a sip of his drink. “Same time?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Cool.” Jean smiled, a bit sheepishly.

~~~~

When Jean got to work the next afternoon, Eren was leaning against the counter, waiting for him. His arms were folded, his jaw was set, and it made Jean a bit nervous. He stopped in his tracks just inside the door, waiting for something to happen.

“Can I help you, Jeager?” He asked after a moment.

“Yeah, actually.” Eren replied. “Stay away from Armin.”

Jean walked passed the smaller boy, shrugging out of his coat and shoving it behind the counter. “And why, Jeager, would I do a thing like that?”

“Because.”

“Because…?”

“He’s too good for you.”

Jean stopped for a moment, wondering why in the hell this was becoming such a big deal, and folded his own arms. “Just out of curiosity, why do you care so much who Armin talks to?”

Eren pushed himself off the counter and took two steps towards Jean, eyes murderous. “Because I know how you are. I see you at school, Kirstein; you kinda make yourself hard to miss. All you are is an egoistic, horse-faced bastard, and Armin deserves better.”

Jean had to fight not to touch his face after Eren’s comment, and shoved his hands in the pocket of his hoodie instead. “That stings a bit, I’m not gonna lie.” He retorted. “And what makes you think there’s enough going on between Armin and I that warrants this?”

“Come on, Jean. Everybody sees you two. You don’t interact with anybody the way you do with him. We all know what’s going on. You even have his drink order memorized already!”

“I have it memorized because it’s easy, you moron!”

“That doesn’t explain the flirting!” Eren shouted. “Just back off, okay? Leave Armin alone.”

“What else is there to explain? Just because I know how to talk to people without screaming in their face, you think I’m hitting on him? Are you that dumb?”

Eren didn’t say anything to that, just flipped Jean off before walking away, and left the taller boy there to calm down. Jean braced himself against the counter, taking breath after breath and trying to still his hands, and glared at the spot where Eren disappeared. He couldn’t believe he’d been ambushed like that.

Who in the hell was Eren Jeager to say who he could and couldn’t talk to, especially when they requested time with him in the first place! Jean didn’t want to stop talking to Armin because he enjoyed their banter, and he enjoyed the blond’s company in general, but now that Eren said to keep away made him even more determined to keep their line of communication open.

Jean shut his eyes and counted to ten, just like his mother had taught him, and took one more breath before letting it go. A small flood of customers came in about that time, and Jean put on his best retail face to deal with it, a small part of him hoping Armin would be among them.

He wasn’t. In fact, Armin didn’t show up at all that day, much to Jean’s disappointment. He couldn’t help but wonder if Eren had gotten him with the same threats that were thrown at him, and he worried. What if Armin wouldn’t be back now? What if Eren had gotten into his head, and told him a bunch of crap about what he was supposedly like?

Armin wasn’t in the next day, either. It was the last day of winter break, and after this, it would be even harder to see him because of school and work, and a million other things that could stand in his way. Jean’s eyes flickered hopefully up to the door every time someone walked by the windows, only to be let down when they went on.

He found himself missing the blond more and more as the hours passed. He longed for another conversation about books, or how he made a pretty terrible Hufflepuff, or anything that made Armin’s eyes light up like they had before. Jean couldn’t help but wonder what happened to him in that short amount of time; how had Armin gone so quickly from just another customer to someone he sought out like this?

What was happening to him?

6:00 AM came along much too early. Jean lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, a mountain of blankets piled around him, and his small, gray tabby cat laying on his chest. With a tired groan, a sleepy hand reached up, scratching the tabby gently behind the ears as it began to purr. “Brad, I have to get up. I know, it’s tragic.” Jean shifted gently, not wanting to disturb the cat too much, and sat up.

With a stretch, the boy got to his feet, got started looking for his school things, and got dressed.

Jean would have been lying if he said he wasn’t looking out for Armin that morning. He thought he’d spotted him at one point in the hall, but it turned out to be another short blonde named Krista or something. Jean wasn’t sure, and it wasn’t really important at the moment.

He kept an eye out for Armin the whole rest of the day, but he didn’t see him. He did spy Eren and Mikasa, though, and part of him wanted to ask about the smaller boy, but he knew it wouldn’t be worth the chewing out he’d get. Instead, Jean went about his day, his heart stopping every time he mistook Historia for Armin.

It was another week before he saw a glimpse of Armin again, just as he was walking to class. Jean had just gotten inside, and he saw those familiar eyes, that smile, and he made to open the door back up, but he was already gone. Jean sighed, taking his seat, and resolved to hunt him down later.

Sooner came later on in the day. Jean was in the library, looking for a couple books to read over the weekend, when he spied that blond hair again. This time, he wasn’t letting him get away. Jean set his books down, and quietly took off after Armin, looking around to see if he was alone or not. He saw an empty row of books, and grabbed the smaller boy’s hand, pulling him into it, and put a finger to his lips.

“Where have you been?” Jean asked in a whisper, his hand still wrapped around Armin’s wrist. “I haven’t seen you in almost two weeks.”

Armin, still getting over his shock, looked up at him sadly. “My grandpa got really sick, and then I caught it trying to take care of him. Today’s the first day I’ve actually felt like a person again.”

Jean released his wrist and pulled back, clearing his throat. “Is your grandpa okay?”

“Yeah! He’s fine now. Healthy as a horse.”

“Good…”

It fell silent between the two for a few seconds, awkwardness filling the space around them, and Armin let out a small laugh to break the tension. “I might have to insist on a large hot chocolate later. It’s been too long since I had one.”

“I… might be able to help with that…” Jean replied, taking another step back. It had only just occurred to him how close they’d been standing, and he felt awkward about it now. “Consider it on the house, though.”

“No, I couldn’t do tha--”

“Yeah, you can.” The taller boy said, quickly adding, “On one condition: You gotta keep me company on my break again.”

Armin pretended to think about it for a moment, and then smiled. “I don’t know, Jean, that’s a lot to ask, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“I know, it’s such a tragedy, but you’ll get a free drink out of the deal.”

The smaller boy giggled, and slipped passed Jean back out into the main hall. “What time do you go in tonight?” he asked in a murmur.

“Right after school.”

“I’ll see you then, then.” And then Armin was gone, back on the hunt for his books, and Jean was left standing there watching him go.

He raised his hand and gave a small little wave to his retreating form, not sure what just happened. “See you then,”

~~~

Armin came through the door at 4:00, same backpack on his shoulders with the top of a laptop sticking out, and waved when he saw Jean. He quickly made his way to the front and spread his arms out to the sides. “I’m here for my hot chocolate.” He told him.

“Your hot chocolate on the house, you mean.”

“Jean, you don’t have to do that, I’m serious.”

The taller boy shrugged. “It’s one hot chocolate, man. You’re a loyal enough customer that you’ve earned it.”

Armin mulled that over in his head for a moment. “As long as it won’t get you in trouble.”

“It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

With a nod, the smaller boy hurried off to his table, and Jean got back to work.

Armin jumped a little when a cup was sat on the table next to him, and Jean plopped down into one of the vacant seats. The smaller boy looked down, confused, and eyed the cup suspiciously. “Don’t tell me you paid for this one, too?”

“I might have.” Jean muttered, taking a sip of his own drink. “Didn’t think it’d be very fair if I came over sporting my own drink while you didn’t have anything.”

“It’s too much.”

“It really isn’t.”

“Let me pay you back.”

“Armin. It’s a couple drinks. It’s not a huge deal.”

“Please?”

“Fine,” Jean replied, “you can pay me back with your company.”

“Jean.”

“Armin.”

The two stared at each other for a tense few seconds before Armin finally gave in, leaning back in his seat, and sighed. “I actually brought you something.” He said, reaching into his bag and pulling out a small, worn book. “I - I thought you might enjoy a new read, but don’t feel obligated, it’s… well, it’s kinda dumb.”

Jean took the book from Armin and smiled, trying to hide his excitement. “You might want to be careful, Eren already thinks I’m hitting on you. Do things like that, he might think we’re actually dating.”

“Wait a minute, you mean you weren’t hitting on me?” Armin challenged.

That shut the taller boy up for a minute, and he stuttered, floundering for something to say. “I… Maybe a little, but, I - I…”

Armin laughed, a grin spreading wide across his face, and met Jean’s eyes. “Well, I’m flattered, Jean.”

Jean stopped for a moment, waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for Armin to laugh at him, or tell him to stop, or any other way the smaller boy could have stomped on him. “I sense a ‘but’,” he said eventually.

“No, not a ‘but’, but maybe an ‘and’.”

“What does that mean?” Jean asked.

“Well, how about, ‘and, maybe bringing that book was my way of hitting on you’?”

Jean blinked, taking a moment to process what Armin just said, and a slow grin spread itself across his face. “I - I guess I’ll have to accept that book, then.”

“Cool.” The smaller boy replied, relieved.

Things fell to an awkward silence for a few seconds, the two staring at each other while waiting for the other to say something, and Jean cleared his throat. “So, where does this leave us?”

Armin thought about it for a moment. “How about, on your next day off, we go out for ice cream. I’m kinda burned out on hot chocolate and coffee. My treat, though.”

“Okay.”

“Rad.” Jean grinned, unable to fully hide the blush in his cheeks. Things fell silent between the two for another moment before Armin started telling him about the loaned book, and Jean listened with an interested ear. After a little while, they moved onto other books, then music, and Armin walked away with several new bands to listen to when he got home.

They spent all of Jean’s break talking and laughing, and realizing just how special the other was. It was only after Jean had returned to work that Armin tried to take a sip of his hot chocolate, and realized that both it and the other boy’s coffee had gone completely cold.

#jearmin #jean x armin #also apparently a little eremika?#Jean's an asshole to Eren #Eren's an asshole right back #Katie's writing #Does this count as a Christmas fic? I say so #merry christmas #christy

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andthest0ryg0es · 6 years

Text

This Isn’t Happening - Chapter 14

My sincere apologies for the LONG wait between chapters. Real Life and writing with @ohh-la-la-leto sidetrack me a lot. :) There’s only a few chapters left of this story and I’m hoping to post them all over the next couple months. THANK YOU, dear readers, for sticking with me and continuing to like and share my writing. It means more than you know. <3

Two weeks ago Jared had gone hiking with a few female friends and snap chatted the whole day. Twitter had delighted in trying to figure out which of them may have been the one dressed as Robin at the party. Jen was both relieved that the identity of Robin was still a secret and annoyed that people assumed he must be fucking every female friend he has. Jared was posting pretty regularly on social media while they were apart, and it was nice to sort of relax into talking with her friends about the upcoming album and tour. She avoided the girlfriend subject entirely and no one minded or seemed to take particular notice.

She knew Jared was trolling her twitter account and she briefly thought about making it private and telling him to fuck off but she figured he’d probably already seen the worst of it and she may as well own her enthusiastic echelon status. If there was one thing Jared and Mars had taught her, it was to be herself. She knew he was viewing her account because he would sometimes text her with answers to questions or comments about the band that she was RTing like any echelon would. When will the new album be out? “Soon. :)” Where’s Shannon, we miss him. “I tried to talk Shannon into getting snapchat, he said it was stupid. :( Maybe I can convince him to start posting coffee facts again at least...” I wonder what tattoo Jared is going to get for the new era. “I have that planned already, actually. You want to be there when I get it done? Take some pics for me?” She’d nearly fallen out of her chair for that one. Watching Jared Leto get a tattoo might just be the limit of what her fangirl heart could take.

No one had posted or discussed the Halloween pics in awhile and Jared and friend’s snaps and Instagram stories from Thanksgiving, with no Robin in sight, seemed to convince the echelon it was a one night sort of thing. That narrative pissed her off more than the “which fabulous female friend is he fucking” one because it was quickly becoming tiring that everyone online thought they “knew him” and had an opinion on his life. And yes, Jen was well aware of how hypocritical that sounded given her twitter history but circumstances change and she’d definitely learned a thing or two about Jared, and even Shannon and Tomo, that the internet had gotten just so wrong.

Between secret projects and many late nights working to finish up the album by their deadline, Jared was just as busy as she was during their month apart. Inconveniently, his schedule was usually very opposite to hers as well. This resulted in a lot of sleepy late night or early morning phone calls where one or both of them were too tired to do much more than small talk. Jared made up for it in other ways though. Teacher appreciation week at her school was a bigger hit than ever when an “anonymous donor” sent a different food truck each day to feed all the staff. She came home each Friday night to a beautiful bouquet of flowers at her doorstep. And two weeks in when she’d complained that the t-shirt she stole from him didn’t smell like him anymore she received a package that night containing a t-shirt in a sealed ziplock bag with a sticky note attached that just said “xo.”

Throughout the month apart it seemed her nervousness for their planned time together evolved a different reasoning every week. The first week she obsessed over whether or not planning to spend a month for all intents and purposes living with a famous, rich boyfriend she’d only been with for three months was an entirely sensible idea or really just made her a slut and a gold-digger. Jared assured her on multiple occasions that she was clearly neither of those things. Week two and three she worried about being outed as Jared’s girlfriend and what that meant for her privacy and online social life. Jared suggested making her twitter and other accounts private before December was probably not the worst idea. She tried not to go CSI: Echelon on him when she pointed out he wouldn’t be able to see her tweets anymore then and he said that it wouldn’t be a problem.

Now she was down to simply being terrified about meeting Constance. She couldn’t recall having met a boyfriend’s parents anytime since high school. And Constance was an absolute icon, someone the echelon really looked up to. She didn’t talk to Jared about this particular fear much because the one time she brought it up all he did was gush about how awesome his mom was for half an hour and yes, Jared, she already knows that. That’s what all the nerves are about! So instead she circled back to asking him if he was sure about her invading his space for a full month and complaining that the sticky note path Shannon had helped her make so she wouldn't get lost had been removed in her absence. Jared was more than reassuring that it would be fun, he would make sure she didn’t get lost and yes, a month long “date” is maybe not traditional but what about him was? By the end of their time apart she was truly excited for their next month together.

Jen managed to pack fairly lightly thanks to a few reminders and packing tips from Jared and his tour experience. A couple of Xanax before her flight balanced out by a Starbucks, and omg was she looking forward to an unlimited supply of Black Fuel for the next month, and she was on her way.

“Sweetheart!” Jared called out to her as she ran to him from the car in his driveway. Jen threw herself into his arms, wrapped her arms around his neck and refused to let go, even as he walked out to pick up her bags and tip the driver for delivering her safely to him.

“I missed you,” she mumbled into his neck as he maneuvered them inside the house.

“I can tell,” he smirked, prying her arms off of him and kissing her. “You sure you’re ready for a whole month of the craziness around here?”

“I’m very much looking forward to it. Besides, I can just hide in your room whenever I want, right?” she asked.

“Okay, so don’t take this the wrong way...” Jared said as he guided her down the hallway with his hand on her back and Jen tensed. He ran his hand up and down her back soothingly as he opened the door to one of the first rooms off the end of the hall, before it splits into the labyrinth of passageways that leads to the back of the house. “You have a tendency to get lost in the back of the house and I thought since you’re going to be here for awhile you might want your own space where you can actually find it.”

The room was beautiful, definitely bigger than his, with a king size bed and lots of pretty blue accents all around the room, her favorite color. She could see what she guessed were Shayla’s touches in the room, from the makeup vanity to the cute flower curtains. Jen was pretty sure she remembered it being an office last time she was here, so she knew he put a lot of thought into this, even if it was one of the assistants who put it together for her. She spun on her heels and attacked him with a big kiss. “I love it, thank you.”

Jared let out a breath neither of them realized he was holding. “You are welcome to come hide in my room anytime you want, sweetheart. I don’t want you to think I’m banishing you to the other side of the house,” he insisted, wrapping his arms around her and dropping kisses along her neck.

“Hey, I’d have been happy with a little closet space and a drawer for the month but you gave me a whole room. I know you were sick of tripping over my suitcase and all my stuff in your room when I was here for just a week so this is much more practical. Thank you, really,” she said, kissing him again. The look of relief on his face intrigued her. “Were you nervous about this? That’s adorable,” she commented, patting his cheek.

Jared blushed. “Stevie and Shannon were taking bets on how fast you’d run out the door. They said I was going too ‘Christian Grey’ on you, whatever that means.”

Jen laughed but blushed and hid her face in his chest. “Really, Jared? Does everyone know I submit to you in the bedroom?” she asked shyly.

“Um... They know my proclivities and they know you’re dating me. I think most people just put 2 and 2 together, sweetheart,” he explained, hugging her reassuringly. “You want some time to unpack or would you like to come join us in the studio? We’ve got a couple more hours probably.”

“Oh, I’m definitely coming to the studio. Come on,” Jen answered excitedly, dropping her things at the foot of the bed and grabbing Jared’s hand to pull him out of the room. Of course, she barely made it down the hall before she quietly let Jared take the lead because she was lost again. Jared smiled knowingly and pulled her along behind him into the lab.

“Guys, Jen, Jen, guys,” Jared said by way of introductions, pointing to a couch off to the side where she could sit. “Who changed this configuration? I was gone five minutes!” Jared asked, instantly absorbed in his work again. Jen pulled her legs up on the couch and rested her chin on her knee, settling in to watch him work.

She wasn’t sure how long passed before she was startled by the couch jumping as a body crashed down onto it next to her and she suddenly found herself wrapped in Shannon’s bear hug. “If you keep staring at him like that I swear I’m gonna puke,” he teased.

“Shut up.” Jen covered her now red face with her hands. “I can’t help it. He’s mesmerizing when he’s in work mode. And honestly, what echelon wouldn't watch him given the chance?”

“I’ve seen echelon watch him work, they don’t make the same heart eyes you do. I can practically see the little hearts floating around your head,” Shannon said quietly, making sure his brother couldn’t overhear.

“Shannon, stop, please. I can’t even... I’m in so far over my head with him. Its been four months and we’ve seen each other like six times in that time. No one is using the ‘L’ word anytime soon so you can keep all that heart talk to yourself, thank you,” she admonished him.

“That’s fine. I just want to make sure you know that you’re different,” Shannon said.

“I know. He makes sure I know it, too,” she replied sweetly.

“Shannon, stop harassing my girlfriend and get back to work,” Jared warned, grabbing Shannon by the collar and playfully pulling him away from her. “You need anything?” Jared asked, checking the time on his phone. “We should be ready to break for dinner soon.”

The word soon made her smile involuntarily as she shook her head. “I’m good.” Jared leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on her lips before returning to work. Jared pushed maybe a little longer than he should have at getting whatever sound it is he’s trying to capture. Everyone was increasingly frustrated and tired by the time Shannon finally approached Jared and whispered something in his ear that made him look over at Jen. She was still in the same spot on the couch, head propped up on her arms which are wrapped around her knees, but her gaze had gone glassy and she wasn’t paying as much attention as she was before.

“Okay guys, lets call it a night,” Jared announced and everyone rushed to shut down the studio and get out of there. Jen was so zoned out that she didn’t even register what was happening until Jamie and Stevie went rushing past her on their way out the door. Only Jared and Shannon remained in the room with her now. “You still with us, sweetheart?” Jared teased as he finished turning off the last of his equipment.

Jen blinked her daze away and sat up, stretching. “Shannon, are you staying for dinner?” she asked, ignoring Jared’s smart remark. Shannon put out his hands for hers and pulled her to standing and then wrapped his arms around her middle, picking her up in a big bear hug that cracked her back satisfyingly. When he set her down she gave him a smaller hug in return.

“You two haven’t had a night together in what, a month? I think if I stayed for dinner tonight Jared might just kill me and carry on with the band without me,” he said with a wink. “Have fun you two,” he called over his shoulder as he exited the studio, flicking the light switch off on his way out, leaving Jared and Jen alone in the dark.

Jen didn’t move, letting her eyes adjust to what little light was streaming into the studio windows from the moon. Jared easily made his way over to her due to his familiarity with the space and wrapped his arms around her. “You hungry?”

“Starving, but I didn’t want to interrupt and I’m not certain I’d have found my way back to my room alone,” she admitted sheepishly.

Jared pulled away for a moment and she heard him rummaging through a drawer before he was suddenly by her side again. He took her hand and as he led her through the halls he stopped at each corner and drew a small arrow with a black sharpie, indicating which way she should go to find her way back. “This is slightly more permanent than sticky notes,” he commented.

“You’re ruining your walls. For me?” she asked while she beamed at him.

“For you. You should be able to find your way to food at least. It’s only three turns. I’ve never met someone with such a bad sense of direction before,” he teased her.

“This place is insane. I’m sure I’ll figure it out given time,” she said as they entered the kitchen. Jared led her to a stool at the counter and pulled it out for her, guiding her to sit and placing a kiss on her temple before he turned to the fridge. He started pulling out ingredients and setting them out on the counter while she leaned over, trying to see what he was doing. “Whatcha got there?”

“Tonight’s menu is homemade guacamole and tortillas with grilled peppers,” he informed her as he set to work cooking. Jen sat back in awe. Jared looked up at her and chuckled. “Yes, there are a few things I can cook,” he said mockingly.

“I didn’t say anything,” she defended angelically. They kept up small talk long enough to get through most of their meal before the tension finally got to her.

“You know, I’m very impressed with the restraint we’ve shown today. I think we proved that we can be adult about our relationship and not just hump each other like bunnies every time we see each other.”

“Well, I have a work deadline and I told you I’d have to be in the studio a lot, that’s why you’re staying for so long,” Jared began defensively but she cut him off by placing her fingers on his lips.

“Jared... fuck me,” she said bluntly.

“Oh, right, yeah,” Jared laughed, scooping her up off the stool and spinning them towards her bedroom. “Another convenient thing about this room; its so much closer to the kitchen,” he said as he opened the door and set her down in front of the bed, kissing her fiercely.

They ripped at each other’s clothing, not bothering to be gentle about stripping down as quickly as possible and molding their naked bodies against each other once more as they fell back onto the bed. Jared pushed the mound of pillows at the head of the bed aside, and reached up. Suddenly Jen found her right wrist encased in a padded leather cuff. She looked up at him in surprise.

“Yet another convenient feature of this room,” he cited with a grin. When she made no further protest he quickly secured her other wrist as well, leaving her spread bare beneath him.

Now that he had her where he wanted her, his pace slowed and she groaned. “Jared, it’s been a month since you’ve touched me. Please don’t tease,” she begged despite her suspicion it would be useless. The evil laugh she got in response confirmed her suspicion, even as he drew his hand down her body to her slick center.

“What do you want?” he asked in that voice that made her clench her thighs together despite his hand between her legs.

“Oh, god, I want to cum for you,” she pleaded, already lost to her desire.

Jared pushed two fingers into her and pumped them in and out slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. The intensity of his gaze held her in place beneath him as he worked her into a frenzy. He swiped his thumb against her clit and she keened, arching her back and closing her eyes uncontrollably, finally breaking his gaze.

“Beg,” he ordered, redoubling his efforts now with his fingers inside her and his thumb against her clit. She devolved into a gasping mess of pleases and curses before he brought his other hand up to her face, holding her chin so she was forced to look him in the eye. He slid his hand down to her neck, applying pressure lightly as he growled the order, “Cum.”

Jen screamed as her body shook with the climax she’d been denied for weeks. Jared kept working her with his fingers, letting up only a little bit in consideration of her post orgasmic sensitivity. As she tried to buck her hips away he applied more pressure to her neck, a feral grin on his face. He controlled her breathing and her body, pinning her legs open with the way he positioned himself between them, holding her at the crest of her pleasure. Seconds later he brought his mouth down to her breast and issued the command again, “Cum!” as he bit down on her left nipple, pulling it taut between his teeth.

Her body bowed beneath him and her mouth opened to scream but no sound came out for several long seconds. Just as she reached the peak and was starting to come down from her second earth shattering orgasm, Jared pulled his hands from her body and lined himself up, pushing into her to the hilt in one strong thrust. She cursed his name and pulled at the restraints, but wrapped her legs around him in invitation. He was impressed she still had the use of her limbs. Jared fucked her into the mattress unrelentingly, seeking the pleasure he knew he’d quickly find with her gorgeous body wrapped around him. He soon pulled out of her and stroked himself rapidly as he painted her body with his cum.

Jared managed to reach up and release her wrists before slumping to the bed beside her, panting. It was several minutes before either of them really moved or spoke, but Jared was gently caressing his hand along her arm the entire time, maintaining their intimacy. Eventually Jen broke the silence.

“One inconvenient feature of this room: the bathroom is across the hall,” she said, still slightly out of breath. “I can’t go running out there covered in your cum even if you tell me no-one is here. I’m too paranoid for that,” she tells him, smiling.

Jared leans up and kisses her, then points at the door in the corner of the room. “En suite bathroom,” he says. “This used to be a private office.”

“I thought that was a closet,” she said as she got out of bed and went to open the door. The bathroom wasn’t huge, but the shower was a beautiful grey tile and had a small bench and a rainfall spout. “You really thought of everything, huh?” she mused as she started the water.

“Not everything,” he admitted, rolling off the bed to join her. “If I’d remembered how much of a screamer you were I’d have soundproofed before you got here, sweetheart” he teased, pulling her in for another kiss.

The pair showered quickly, light touches and kisses enough after satisfying their craving for each other so completely minutes ago. They dried off and Jen scooped a couple pillows up off the floor and climbed back into bed, exhausted. Jared laid beside her, draping one arm across her torso. Within minutes he was squirming and adjusting in the bed, unable to find a comfortable position. He’d bought the bed for her, knowing she loved the soft mattress at the hotel in Vegas, but his sleeping preference was vastly different.

“Jared, why don’t you go sleep in your room? You really don’t have to stay,” Jen told him, kissing his jaw.

“I didn’t want to run out on you,” he said quietly, dropping kisses along her shoulder. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll be asleep in seconds. Honestly, I’m used to sleeping alone and I know you’d rather be sleeping on the floor. I don’t mind,” she assured him.

Jared stood from the bed and tucked her in, setting his hands on either side of her head and leaning in for a kiss before righting himself. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Goodnight, Jared,” she sighed and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost instantly with a smile on her face.

#This Isn't Happening Fic #jared leto fanfiction #shannon leto fanfiction

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tailahjanbash · 6 years

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Politics and Jesus?

I’m tired.

I’m tired of the Facebook wars, being forced to pick sides, and biased media.

I’m tired of seeing confederate flags and people talking about minorities like we are an infestation. I’m tired of propaganda and people slapping Jesus or rhetoric on top of their politics in order to justify one side and demonize the other.

I was reading Jeremiah this morning and stumbled across a scripture that I couldn’t quite shake.

“I will be merciful only if you stop your evil thoughts and deeds and start treating each other with justice; only if you stop oppressing the foreigner, the fatherless, or the widows and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your ancestors for ever and ever. But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.” Jeremiah 7:5-7

I couldn’t help but reflect on the political climate of our nation—especially with the midterms having been so recent.

I’ll be transparent with you—my political views have been clashing with my spiritual beliefs as of late, and it’s been driving me insane.

I concluded that God’s heart was more just than my own. So, I sought The Lord for guidance. The more I did this; the more recognizable faults from both sides became. Instead of resorting to my parents, friends, or celebrities for correct stances, I brought each topic and controversy before the Lord and examined it next to scripture.

I want my beliefs to align with Jesus’—not an imperfect man-made party’s. At the end of the day, don’t politics and social justice boil down to human rights and the way we deal with people?

I do not want to handle human beings through a systematic, polarized structure created by imperfect humans when I have the opportunity to treat people the way Jesus did.

God brought some freshman year biology back to my mind as I began to unpack Jeremiah. I remembered learning about certain sicknesses that would cause the immune system (the system in our body that fights germs and keeps us healthy) to attack itself. This snippet, for the sake of understanding the analogy, is from WomensHealth.gov:

‘Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and non-self: what’s you and what’s foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and non-self. When this happens, the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time, special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease.’

Our government along with the media, have polarized parties and pitted Democrats and Republicans against each other so much so, that just like those cells, we no longer recognize each other and attack our own body.

The white blood cells believe they are defending the body and protecting it by attacking the other cells, and vice versa. We see this reflected through our divided rhetoric—“Democrats want to take guns away so we can be controlled by the government!” and “Republicans care more about owning guns than the lives of children!”

Injustice is always someone else’s fault.

Both want to fix the issue. Both want to help and protect the people. So where is the disconnect?

Can I voice an unpopular opinion? I travel very often, so just hear me out when I say: I think American culture is extremely prideful in comparison to other nations. I don’t understand extreme patriotism, because my identity and allegiance are not rooted in a piece of land or a flag. I love my home and where I am from, but I know that this is all temporary. Our permanent residence is in heaven and our identity should always be rooted in Jesus.

This issue of pride has blinded us to believe that we couldn’t possibly be the problem. But when the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the analogy of the auto immune disease, I realized that by placing the foundation of my beliefs upon a political party then sprinkling Jesus on top… I was contributing to the problem.

Pride causes us to be blind to our own faults and internal pain. We point the finger so we feel a false sense of righteousness like the Pharisees. However, in reality, the body is internally attacking and weakening itself in the name of “justice”.

Isn’t it funny how we proudly wave the banner of justice within a man-made political party?

Imma say it louder for the people in the back:

The values expressed are completely made by humans! Imperfect, sinful, selfish, people! And you’re telling me your side has it all figured out? And the other side is close-minded? Oh, the irony.

We forget the author of justice.

The only righteous judge.

The only perfect one.

Justice and truth will never be found apart from God. If you sprinkle Jesus on top of your politics like I did, you might have some truth in there, but then man’s selfish ambition will inevitably rear its ugly head.

Kris Vallotton, a pastor at Bethel Redding, shared this recently regarding Political Spirits:

1) The political spirit always needs an enemy! This spirit is more concerned with winning an election than with solving a problem.

2) The political spirit demonizes anyone who doesn’t agree with them. In other words, we don’t just see them as wrong on an issue, we view them as evil.

3) The political spirit imprisons our minds and reduces us to partisan opinions. This spirit separates people into two categories; winners and losers. In this environment, straw polls replace practical wisdom and success is measured in media bits rather than real solutions.

4) True governance is displaced by political polarization in which, people are expected to support a party rather than legitimate answers. This political spirit replaces national patriotism with loyalty to a party. This attitude creates a culture where we don’t have permission to think for ourselves but it’s “decision by affiliation.”

These characteristics can be found throughout scripture in the old and new testament. We see ungodly rulers like Ahab, Jezebel, and Herod operating in this spirit, blatantly defying the will of God and wreaking havoc upon God’s people.

Now that we have removed the blinders, taken a step back, and identified the problem, let’s move on to the solution.

One way can help this weak and sickly immune system recover, is by having conversations. I think the best way to fall into polarized thinking is to stereotype and generalize people.

Talk to someone that doesn’t have the same skin color as you. Ask your Hispanic friends if they feel safe. Talk to some white boys, see where they’re coming from. Your LGBTQ friends, your Muslim friends and family members. Ask your Black peers about oppression in 2018. Do you see a pattern here? Learning, understanding, and empathy on an individual level.

Jesus was and will always be personal and intentional with us. How can we demonstrate His love if we lump people into categories?

You may not have the platform of a celebrity or a politician, but I believe what you have is better.

You have the ability to individually touch lives, just like Jesus.

You have the ability to love the people who are difficult to love; who disagree with and offend you.

By loving these people, not only are you mending a divide, you are showing them who Jesus is. This creates ripples of life and hope, which impacts people 1,000,000 x more than some biased news report or tweet.

Even if you don’t speak one word about politics or God, you have the ability to let the gospel of love shine and reflect so brightly within you that it leads the lost into His loving arms.

This radical love can only be achieved when the Holy Spirit makes His home in our hearts. It is not a love that is found here on earth; it is a supernatural love that only abides in The Father. I pray that it rests in our hearts today, and we begin to see people the way Jesus does.

**You can read more blog posts, devotionals, and resources by visiting my official site: http://www.thechosengirl.info/

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topweeklyupdate · 6 years

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TØP Weekly Update #54: COVER ME (7/13/2018)

Finally, after months of solid drought, the barren wasteland known as the TØP fanbase has finally been blessed with rain. And not just a gentle sprinkle; it’s been a consistent heavy downpour, a veritable flood. Even before new music, this week gave us new content from the group every single day. There will probably be something new out by the time you’re done reading this. So let’s not waste any time! Here’s your week in Twenty One Pilots news.

This Week’s TØPics:

Your Band Is Back: Trench Coming This October

“Jumpsuit” and “Nico” Released

New Logo/Theming/Everything

Josh Speaks

And SO. MUCH. MORE.

Major News and Announcements:

This time last week, I was certain that we would be getting new music on the 6th because it was my birthday. Turns out, myself and many others in the Clique read a little too deeply into Clancy’s promise that “everything would be different” by morning. We did not receive new music on that date, which, for the record, was way earlier than most reports had pegged. The fanbase wanted music ASAP and interpreted the letter to fit that, and anyone who said the band lied about when music was coming was just not being honest with themselves.

Things were different starting last Friday. On the one-year anniversary of their departure, Twenty One Pilots directly reached out to their fans for the first time, not through the wide platform of social media, but with an email message to their mailing list.

The message only consisted of the subject line “ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING?” and a gif of an opening yellow eye, with images fitting the iconography of the Dema site flashing under the eyelid. The Clique basically lost their minds at this direct contact, so much so that major publications like Billboard finally started to report on the long gestating speculation. Everyone was excited to see the eye open over the course of the day, bringing everything full circle and culminating (presumably) with new music.

That... didn’t happen. Rather, dmaorg.info was restored after being down for only a few hours, and this gif of torches was added onto the site. This indicated that Clancy had escaped Dema, and the Clique promptly set about assuming that the next day would mark the band’s full return. Further, the name of the gif, “they_ca_ntseeFCE300″, seemed to confirm what people would be speculating ever since Josh dyed his hair nearly two years ago: the next era’s color would be yellow (specifically, FCE300) to symbolize hope and light pushing back against the dark.

The next day brought with it another update from Clancy (and the general concession among the Clique to stop expecting new music every night and just go to bed). In one of my favorite bits of attention to detail so far, Clancy’s latest journal was messily handwritten on a scrap of paper, due to the fact that he had successfully escaped Dema and was now traveling through- big shock- a region called “Trench”. The writing itself is kinda rambly and generic (so I can relate), with Tyler Clancy marveling at how much he loves being in the trees being alone out in nature. That said, I do love that there is a definite story being presented, with Clancy experiencing changes, taking action, and going on a real journey through this world that Tyler’s created.

On the back of the paper, however, is something much more interesting: a blown-out image that, when reversed, revealed a dead body. That was creepy enough as is; far more creepy was the Clique’s CSI-level discovery that this ripped photo fit with several other dmaorg.info images in a giant puzzle. Who was this man? Was this a random poster that Clancy grabbed as he escaped, or are we supposed to take it as a metaphor? Was it a random citizen of Dema? A bishop? Clancy himself? Blurryface? So many questions.

Twenty One Pilots truly made their mainstream return on July 9th, when they posted a second video of a half-opened eye, not just for hardcore fans, but on all of their social media platforms. This return was accompanied by a total overhaul of the band’s general branding: a new yellow-and-black ||-// logo was revealed for the new era, while the old “silence” banners and even the website subscription box were covered up by bright yellow tape. Billboards featuring the logo on this yellow tape aesthetic sprang up in cities all around the world, from London to Toronto, Berlin to Melbourne, even an entire building in São Paolo. The boys were back.

On Tuesday, Twenty One Pilots again returned to social media to post a second video. The eye, now about 3/4 open, depicted even more of this medieval battle, now with the addition of the Watchers on the cliff throwing... something (rocks? rose petals?) into the air. Instead of generic white noise, this clip was scored by a muffled but still obviously crunchy bass line. As radio stations across the country began to tweet about a major alternative release coming Wednesday morning (with a few even mentioning they were from Columbus), we finally knew that we were going to be ok....

New Releases:

And then I was not okay.

Early Wednesday morning, Twenty One Pilots dropped two singles and announced the names and dates for the next album, Trench, and tour, Bandito. My prediction from last week was 100% correct, and you all may thank and validate me in the comments below like and subscribe. “Jumpsuit” is our main single with a full cinematic music video, while “Nico and the Niners” is the more lore-heavy low-key song for the fans. I’m going to pull back from fully going in on picking apart every sonic and thematic element of both songs and save that for (hopefully) a less busy week, but you know I gotta write about their first new music in two years. Cause that’s what I do: I write too much.

Guys, “Jumpsuit” is a straight-up banger. Featuring a killer driving bassline, some of Tyler’s most impassioned screams, and a truly devastating bridge, I have not tired of this song one bit in the last few days. It takes me on a complete emotional journey in just four minutes every time, and it does so mainly through its soundscape (there’s only the hook, three couplet verses, and that damn bridge). It’s so, so, so, so good, potentially (dare I say it) the best sonically arranged and produced song the band has ever released.

So... what’s “Jumpsuit” about? Well, a lot of things, but in a word: pressure. Again, the lyrics are super vague, I think deliberately so. Clearly the song is about the singer feeling pressured by others into taking a path that he does not want to travel down. That bridge, delivered in an eerie detached falsetto, shows Tyler pushing back even at his weakest point, stating that he will not submit to what others want him to do unless they “grab him by the throat, tie him down, and break his hands.” Certainly you can argue that this is about the music industry. The “breaking his hands” line is killer in that context, as it signifies that the industry can’t control him without taking away the things that makes him valuable to them in the first place, his artistic ability and freedom. You can also say that it’s just playing straight into the concept, with Clancy breaking away from the bishops’ control. But the deliberate vagueness of the lyrics means that the audience can apply the message- and the empowerment of that killer bassline- to whatever struggle they are facing. That’s pretty darn rad.

The music video, directed by “Heathens” and “Heavydirtysoul”’s Andrew Donoho, is sick. Tyler (looking extra fly in his new yellow hooded jumpsuit) attempts to flee from this creepy Red Riding Hood old dude on a white horse (Nico?) through what is certainly a Game of Thrones filming location while other figures in yellow duct tape jumpsuits look on from the cliffs above. Tyler is captured by the bishop, who “smears” him by putting the black Blurryface makeup on his neck. Tyler is freed briefly from the bishop’s control when the other yellow-clad figures throw yellow petals down on him, but he is chased down knocked out or killed. The others flee the scene, save for one very handsome looking drummer boy... Oh, and there’s a bunch of intercut clips of Tyler on the car from “Heavydirtysoul” for some reason.

Besides those “Heavydirtysoul” scenes, which truthfully don’t connect much to the story of the video beyond artificially welding it onto the end of the Blurryface Era, this is one of the band’s best videos yet. It totally fulfilled all of my expectations of a more epic scope for this era, from the gorgeous Iceland setting to the dope as hell costumes to the implication that the story might continue on from this point. And there are tons of little Easter eggs, from brief flashes of the nine bishops to possible cameos from the Josephs and Duns. We don’t really know for sure if Tyler is playing Clancy or if the red dude is Nico, but it will certainly be fun to continue to fill in the blanks as we move forward and (hopefully) hear more from Tyler directly.

“Nico and the Niners” is a weird track, but one that I still absolutely love. In some ways, it’s a more traditional tøp track, with some of the raggae elements found on Blurryface and a rap verse to fit all of Tyler’s lyrics in. But in other significant ways, it’s a totally different path for them. For starters, just look at that title: it’s very explicitly about this album’s concept from top to bottom, with Tyler singing about fleeing Dema and its bishops’ control and even heavily referencing “Jumpsuit”; there’s clearly going to be a great deal of thematic cohesion in this project. But there’s also just the general vibe of it: just as “Jumpsuit” was a heavier rock song than anything we’d yet seen from the band, "Nico” is way more laid back, its repeated references to being high and even its visualizer of assorted shrubbery making it a potential stoner anthem (whether that was Tyler’s intention or not). Regardless, the song is brimming with character and hooks, and it’s already grown on me significantly in just a few days.

Oh, and one more thing: this song lives up to its Dema-referencing title and content by being cryptic af. The track is littered with reversed audio in the instrumental bits, including the “we are banditos” snippet from dmaorg.info and another sample of someone who sounds a lot like Josh saying “We will leave Dema at true east, renounce Vialism [the bishops’ ruling philosophy, alluded to be Clancy in an earlier journal].” I swear, if all it takes for Tyler to make all this stuff is a year break, he should do this after every album.

With all that new music, the fact that we finally have a name for Album 5 almost got lost in the shuffle. Trench was a popular guess over the last few days thanks to dmaorg.info, but it’s good to finally know for sure. Graphic designer Brandon Rike from the Blurryface Era is back again, revealing a cover featuring a badass-looking vulture/falcon/whatever, some new logos (including the return of FPE!), and some more yellow tape that appears to be covering the names of the rest of the album’s songs. Not too much else to say at this point; we’ll just have to wait until some of that tape gets peeled off between now and October 5th.

Finally, let’s talk about the Bandito Tour. It bears mentioning that, amidst the otherwise overwhelmingly positive positive atmosphere of the band’s return, this tour name received the most general opposition from fans and non-fans alike. The fact that “bandito” was probably going to turn up in a lyric from two decidedly white dudes was already enough to put some folks on edge, but the idea of an entire tour of predominantly non-Hispanic tweens flooding arenas and calling themselves banditos was enough to turn a few people against the band. And look, I get it- I hear “bandito” and the first things I think of are John Wayne Westerns and Speedy Gonzalez, and I get why a lot of fans might feel uncomfortable with that. But, to be fair, the band hasn’t used any of those stereotypes and banditos is a word for outlaw used in a number of Romance languages. Perhaps most interestingly, there’s not yet any evidence that the word even appears in the album itself. So far, the only appearance of “bandito” is in a coded message on dmaorg.info and in reversed audio in “Nico”. If this does turn out to be a name meant to only make sense to the most hardcore of fans, it is almost redeemed (I mean, I still think the name is a little silly, but I’m already in presale).

So, with that out of the way, let’s actually talk about the tour itself. It will be an international arena tour- even if the band’s sound is not going in a pop direction, they still clearly feel confident that the Clique will show up wherever they go. The first show will be hosted in Nashville (their first arena concert in that market) on October 16, not even two weeks after the release of the full album. What a baller move, and much preferred to the Blurryface rollout where we didn’t hear most of the songs on the record until nearly two months after the album release and they didn’t play near me for even longer. The boys will tour the U.S. until November 21, even playing arenas in a few markets that they’ve never played large venues in before, and then hit up Australia and New Zealand in December.

The most objectively interesting leg will be in Europe from January through March. Not only will the band play their first arena shows in markets like Moscow, Oslo, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Central Poland, and Manchester, they will return to markets like Dublin and Glasgow they’ve been absent from for years. Most exciting, Twenty One Pilots will play their first shows in Bologna and Stuttgart and venture into the countries of Ukraine, Switzerland, Spain, and Portugal for the first time ever. Needless to say, the rabid fanbases of all of these regions are super excited, and I’m super excited for them!

Other Shenanigans:

While Tyler has continued to stay silent (much as he has since mid-Blurryface Era), Josh immediately jumped back on Twitter with a standard Josh joke and even resumed his morning workout Snapchats. On Thursday, Josh even called into BBC Radio One with Annie Mac to give a quick interview about the new era. He didn’t provide a ton of information, but it was just a delight to hear our kid’s voice again. A few tidbits of info:

Josh reported that he was calling from Trench, I hate him.

The sick bass riff on “Jumpsuit” was born from soundchecks toward the end of Emotional Roadshow. He says that, as a result, it sounds closest to the Blurryface sound, serving as a good transition into the new era. (If this is what he thinks is close to Blurryface on Trench, this album’s gonna be nutter butters.)

Both Josh and Tyler are really nervous about the elaborate rollout, both out of the usual fear that no one stuck around and out of wariness of severely disappointing people when they hear the actual music (so far, so good...)

Trench continues to have the “diverse” sound of the previous records and also was designed to be played live.

Josh also tuned into Apple Music’s Beats 1 for an interview with Hanuman Welch. This conversation was less about the new album and more about the “hiatus”. More tidbits:

The band views collaboration as a “sacred” thing, and while they’re not against it in the future, it has to be done in a context that makes sense and not merely for marketing purposes.

The band has never used the word hiatus because they’ve been working. They drew back from the spotlight to allow themselves some time to recharge, but also because they were worried of oversaturation (particularly after the Grammys pushed them into that next-level pop culture sphere). Rather than make a bunch of social media posts that didn’t mean anything just to stay relevant, the band decided to draw back, focus on music, and in the process “thin the weeds” of fans who weren’t the diehards.

For the last few albums, the music has come from a specific personal place the band was at while write, whether it be a spiritual journey with Vessel or tackling insecurities on Blurryface. Josh says the same remains true with Trench, but notes that there will be a little more fleshing out themes by working on a specific story with this one (he still says it’s not really a concept album, but ok).

Believe it or not, we are not done. While the boys were blazing a brave new path forward, another bit of content reminded us of where the band came from. Greg Wells, the producer who made Vessel the masterpiece it was, gave an hour-long interview to Billboard’s Pop Shop Podcast. He mainly speaks about getting started in the industry back in the 90s and working on the mega-blockbuster Greatest Showman soundtrack, but he does talk about Vessel for a bit approximately forty minutes into the interview. I won’t give the exact time-code, not because I’m lazy, but because the entire interview is worth listening to. Greg just seems like a rad dude. His laid-back nature and the seriousness he takes with his craft really shine through; he and Tyler must have gotten along just fine.

Community Spotlight:

The Clique took some heavy losses over the last year, as a great deal of old fans moved on to greener pastures. But that just left room for a whole host of new fans to rise to the occasion and help us get through that long drought. Today, I wanted to give a shout-out to GingerSheep and Stolen Potential, two Clique vloggers that have really kept the fanbase informed and uplifted and have been working their butts off reporting on the daily content. I know how long it takes me just to research and write one of these- I can’t imagine the work that then goes into filming and editing on top of that nearly every day. Hats off to you, good sirs. Make sure you all check out their channels if you haven’t already! But, you know, don’t stop reading these. I have bills to pay with all the Tumblr money I’m not making.

Well, that wasn’t too much, was it? If you made it all the way to the end, mad props. See you next week for a slightly tamer week (probably).

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

#twenty one pilots #tyler joseph #josh dun #trench #jumpsuit #bandito tour #nico and the niners #hiatus #dema #top weekly update

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5hfanfiction · 6 years

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Why Did I Get Married?

Chapter Nine: No life After You

Love knows no distance.

Even when you’re not together physically, you can be together. You can hold them in your heart and it’ll feel as though they’re right there next to you. You know what they say, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ Ever since then, it has become a well known mantra for couples.

Meghan Daum once said, “Contrary to what cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it’s for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for time to spend with the one they love.” With Camila and Lauren, they needed to spend sometime apart in order to fall back together.

Maybe what was a contributory factor to their issues were that they never let it sink in, and spent some time by themselves to internally accept it and try to figure it out.

*** *Lauren’s Part*

Lauren flopped onto the bed as soon as she entered her hotel room. It had been one long flight and a long ass conversation from the person who sat next to her on the airplane. Why can’t people just learn to shut up and ignore you? Is it really necessary to talk to someone for so many agonising hours?

“Really, sis? We’re in Paris, we should be site seeing. Hoeing. I promise I won’t tell Camilita,” Maggie suggested as she threw herself on top her sister. “I’m lying, I’m definitely gonna rat ya ass out.”

Lauren groaned and rolled out from under her sister. “You may look like you’re as light as a feather, but you’re heavy as fuck.”

The model fake gasped. “I am offended. But I’m serious, let’s go out. This is about taking your mind of your very beautiful wife and the love of your life, right? So let’s go do something fun.”

Lauren kinked and eyebrow and sat up. “Are you hitting on my wife?”

Maggie smirked and shrugged. “I mean, anyone with eyes can see just how fine your wife is…and your wife is very fine, mi hermana.” The older Jauregui smacked her sister. “Ouch! I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking. Oh my god.”

“I know she’s fine, but she’s MY wife and your sister in law. So you need to shut up. Plus she’s beautiful. I don’t say 'fine’,” Lauren used air-quotes over the word 'fine’.

Maggie laughed. “Your beautiful wife who you cheated on. Ooohhh.” She dived off the bed before her sister could smack her again and ran to the door and shut it just as a pillow was thrown. She opened it once more and spoke quickly. “I’m heading out with the other girls. Hasta luego.”

Lauren shook her head and laid back on the bed. She took out her phone and went scrolling through her Instagram account. It had been quite some time since she did that, so why not?

Of course she had to be greeted to a lot of selfies of Dinah Jane and some pictures of her little family. Then there were various pictures of Maggie. But when she kept scrolling, she stopped on a picture her wife posted. Shockingly it was a picture of Camila and her. It had been quite some time since Camila actually posted a picture of the two of them.

798,683 likes @camilacabello_jaguar I know there’s no life after you. 💚

Lauren smiled when she read the caption. It was no confession of love or a means to stop the thoughts of wanting a divorce, but it was still something. She double tapped the picture and commented with a single heart emoji. Shooting a text to her wife to inform her that she had arrived to her hotel and to call her if she needed. Lauren locked her phone after and decided to take a nap.

***

“As we can see here ladies and no gents, a wild Lauren in her natural habitat,” Maggie pretended to speak into a makeshift microphone that was her fist. Her model friends chuckled loudly causing the woman’s sister to wake up. “Hey sleepyhead.”

Lauren groaned in response. “I would be so embarrassed that you brought your model looking friends into my room and I look like complete shit right now…but I’m too tired to care.”

“If its of any consolation, I only look like that,” a woman gestured at Lauren “when I’m sick and dying.” The photographer laughed. “Hi. I’m Stella. This is Barbara, Sara and lastly Adriana.”

Lauren sat up on her bed and smoothed out her hair. “It’s nice to meet you ladies, even though I’m very well familiar with all of you.”

“The girls and I refuse to let you sleep a moment longer. We. Are. Going. Clubbing!” Maggie pulled her sister out of bed. “Go take a shower. I’ll lay out some clothes for you. Nothing too conservative but nothing too slutty. Something that says I’m married but at the same time I’m single and wouldn’t really want to mingle with you, but I just might if you’re lucky.”

Barbara looked at her friend. “What the actual fuck, Mags? What on Earth should she wear?”

Maggie shrugged. “I don’t know. I was just gonna grab a pair of jeans, a cute crop top and her leather jacket.” She laughed.

While Lauren was in the shower Maggie chose her sister’s outfit and ushered her model friends out of the hotel room.

Lauren stepped out of the shower in just her underwear and was towel drying her hair. “I really don’t want to go anywhere, Maggie. Can’t I stay in bed?” She whined.

“Since when are you turning down a night out?” The younger Jauregui asked as she was snapping some pictures of herself to post on Instagram. “By the way, super cute picture of you and Camila on the Gram. My Camren feels were living. You know what they say?”

Lauren pulled on her jeans and muttered. “What’s that? Not to go anywhere with your annoying sister?”

“No, puta. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. She misses you.” Maggie stated. “Maybe in a couple of days, she’ll hop on a flight and meet you here.”

It would’ve been nice if Camila decided to do that, but they agreed on not seeing each other. That they’ll come back to each other when the time was right. Something that kept gnawing at the back of Lauren’s mind was that Camila would realise that she didn’t want her again. Even though it was Lauren’s decision to take a break from one another.

Distance does make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it makes you realise that you never really wanted what you thought you wanted.

“I don’t think she would.”

Maggie nodded. “Hm. So when will you two go back into each other’s arms and confess your dying love for one another?”

Lauren shrugged. “I can’t say. But I know we’ll know when the time is right. It’s just not now.”

*** *At the club*

Lauren groaned loudly when they stepped into the club and saw just how packed it was.

Didn’t these people have any jobs?

Maggie spotted her friends who were sitting in the VIP, chugging back drinks.

“MAGGIE! OVER HERE!” Barbara screamed and waved the woman over, as though her friend couldn’t see her. “I saved you a seat.” She patted her lap causing Maggie to laugh.

Lauren kinked an eyebrow at her sister. “Am I missing something here?”

Adriana laughed and handed the two a drink. “These two have a long time love affair that either of them refuses to act on.” She turned and fake glared at the women. “Get together! Give the people what we need.”

Maggie laughed and took a seat on Barbara’s lap, the other model instinctively wrapped her arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. “We should, but Maggie here be playing.”

The group of friends entered into their usual banter, causing Lauren to feel a bit left out. She drifted away and went to sit at the bar.

She felt a tap on her shoulder, turning around she kinked an eyebrow at the woman. “Can I help you?”

“You’re Lauren Jauregui, right?” Lauren nodded. “Oh my god! I knew it,” she practically squealed. “Can I get a selfie with you? No wait that’s too upfront. I love your work. I’m currently pursuing photography and you’re literally my idol. I aspire to be on your level one day.”

The photographer was a bit taken aback at this woman. Someone actually recognised her?

“Can I get a selfie now?” She asked again. Lauren nodded. As the random stranger snapped a few photos and left, the photographer couldn’t help but be a bit shocked. No one even knew who she was besides Camila’s wife. But to identify her as Lauren Jauregui and be a fan of her work?

That was huge.

Ever since high school, she was known as 'Camila’s girlfriend’, and now even though she was a big time photographer, she was 'Camila’s wife.’ Lauren obviously didn’t have any issues with that, as if being Camila’s wife was a bad thing. It’s just that she felt as though she didn’t have an identity outside of her wife.

“Well look at you,” Maggie took a seat on the stool near her sister. “Greeting your adoring fans.”

Lauren shook her head and laughed. “It was only one person. If anyone has adoring fans that’s you, and I don’t even know why. You’re basically annoying, and you tweet the randomest dumb shit.”

Maggie flagged the bartender and ordered a dry martini. “Hey! I’m cute, that’s why they like me.” She playfully flipped her hair. “I’m sorry about that back there, I got a bit caught up with the girls.”

“What’s with you and Barbs?”

Maggie kinked an eyebrow. “Since when are you and Barbara on a nickname basis?”

Lauren pointed a playful finger at her sister, “Don’t you dare go changing the topic, hermana. I saw the two of you, y'all seem close….very close,” she wiggled her eyebrows.

“Shut up,” the model sipped on her drink, “I may or may not have some tiny feelings for her. But! You’re not going to tell her, mom, anyone, until I figure out these feelings. Okay?”

Lauren nodded and pretended to zip her lips. “So what about Ariana? We’re no longer crushing on her?”

“Oh. Damn. She’s the love of my life, but I don’t have a shot with her,” she sighed dramatically. “Maybe ten years from now, in an alternate universe, I’ll be the owner of a restaurant, and she’ll be a nurse, we’ll meet unconventionally and fall in love.”

“Righttttt,” Lauren dragged out. “Why are you over here and not hanging with your buddies?”

“Camila.”

At the mention of her wife’s name, Lauren looked at her sister with a confused expression.

“I’m not sure if your dumbass noticed this but you do know Camila is trying right?” Her sister asked. She signalled for the bartender and ordered a Rum and Coke.

“By trying do you mean constantly attacking me and biting my head off at every given moment?”

Maggie laughed and patted her sister on the shoulder. “You’re supposed to be the smarter one. Did your stupid ass not realise that she has been home for what? A few months now? She’s finished with her album and pushed it back for a few months. No one even knows when she’s going on tour. Her fans have been freaking out thinking she’s going to take a hiatus.”

Lauren kinked an eyebrow. “Wow. I didn’t notice that. I didn’t even know she pushed back the date of her album.” She ran her hand through her hair and sat on her bed. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

“As you said, you guys had been too busy biting each other’s heads off to even sit and talk like some mature adults. And that’s coming from me,” Maggie shook her head. “She’s trying to be there for you and for Izzy. And here you are being an asshole and wanting to file for a divorce.”

She was right. Lauren had been too invested into her own feelings to realise that Camila had been trying. What she probably wanted was for them to go back to sharing the same room, to saying 'I love you’, but she failed to realise the little things that her wife was doing.

“I..wow, you’re right. I have been an asshole. She’s even gotten a lot better with Izzy. And to think I was sitting in Normani’s office not too long ago. Wow. I’m a fucking asshole.”

Her younger sister placed her drink on the table top and turned to face her sister. She slapped her and looked her dead in the eyes.

“Enough of this bullshit! Karla Camila Jauregui Cabello is YOUR wife! You are in love with her and she’s in love with you!” Lauren clutched her face and glared at Maggie but she didn’t say anything. “I’m sick and tired of having to see the both of you being so miserable. You need to own up to your mistakes and you need to ask for forgiveness.”

“Why are you treating me as though I’m the bad guy? No one even cared to listen to the entire story. Y'all just…keep jumping to conclusions. The one person who I thought would believe me, well she doesn’t,” Lauren looked down and sighed. “But you’re right, I love Camila. She’s my wife and I’m not going to divorce her. I love her.” She stood up abruptly and downed her drink in one gulp. “I LOVE CAMILA!” She said loudly causing a few heads to turn.

One random girl screamed, “Bitch me too, the fuck. Who doesn’t love Camila?”

“What are you going to do now?” Maggie trailed behind her sister, who was headed towards the exit.

“I’m going to go to my hotel room, I’m gonna shower, take a nap, then when I wake up I’m going to book a flight back home and tell Camila that I’m sorry and that I love her. And Hailee…” Lauren paused and turned to face her sister. “Hailee won’t be a problem anymore. Anything to fix my marriage. Anything for her.”

*** *Camila’s Part*

“Dinah, I’m sad,” Camila whined and hid her face in her best friend’s shoulder. “Why did she have to leave? Is it because I’m ugly?”

The woman snorted loudly. “Oh hell no girl. If it’s one thing you’re not and that’s ugly. If I were gay, I’ll do you. Hell, I’ll do you now but you’re my best friend, so I won’t."

Since Lauren’s departure, Izzy had gone to spend some time with her grandmother Clara, and Camila had immediately gone to Dinah’s home because she couldn’t stay by herself. She had Lauren on her mind constantly and she needed someone to hold her.

Camila laughed loudly and playfully shoved her friend. "It’s only been a little more than a day and I miss her. I miss her a lot when I’m away on tour, but I don’t know. This hurts a lot more.”

Dinah nodded. “It’s because there’s a strong possibility that you can lose your wife.” The singer glared at her friend. “What? I’m just saying, Lauren might decide that she doesn’t want that Argentinian ass anymore and go to Hailee. She’s hot though. Not my type, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that she’s hot.”

Camila groaned and pushed her friend away. “You’re supposed to be cheering me up! You’re not helping, Dinah.”

“I’m just bracing you for the inevitable,” the choreographer laughed. “I’m kidding. Lauren has to be stupid if she chooses Hailee over you. She’s not going to do that.”

Camila had hoped that Lauren wouldn’t have gone through with the minor separation. She had thought that her wife would’ve caved and called her by now, but she didn’t. Camila had desperately wanted to ask Lauren to stay, but maybe she was right. Maybe they did need some time apart. And because of this time apart, Camila finally realised that she didn’t want to lose her wife.

The singer sighed and started to fumble with the buttons on her jackets. “What if I pushed her too far? What if this is it? What if I lost her, CheeChee?” Tears began to form in her eyes. “I’m just…I don’t even know…but I want to forgive her, you know? I really want to forgive her, but I just don’t know how. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she did. I hate how it eats me alive everyday. It was a freaking kiss, Dinah! It’s not that I caught them having sex but you know…” she trailed off and her best friend nodded.

“I know, Mila. It stems from your relationship with he who shall not be named.”

Camila snorted. “No, it doesn’t.” Dinah glared at her. “Okay, maybe a contributory factor to my issue has to deal with him and how he betrayed the family, but I think a part of me just didn’t think Lauren can do that you know?”

Dinah took Camila’s hands in hers and turned to face her friend. “Listen to me, Mila. I’ve never been cheated on, so I have no idea how you’re feeling and what’s going on in that head of yours, but I need to ask you something. Okay?” She nodded. “Are you willing to give all of this up, a life with Lauren, a possibility of more Camren babies, losing custody of your child, because of a kiss?”

The brunette opened and shut her mouth continuously for a few moments. The reality of the question weighed down on her. She never wanted to lose Lauren, and she definitely didn’t want to lose both her wife and daughter because she couldn’t seem to forgive Lauren for this 'mistake’ as she called it.

“Camila?”

She sighed. “No, Dinah. I’m not willing to give up my marriage because of that. It’s just…it’s just that it hurts and it takes me back to when I saw him with her. How he always had her around us. I even used to call her Tía Val,” she laughed bitterly. “He broke my heart before anyone else could, Dinah. And when I saw Lauren with Hailee, it just brought back so many memories I tried to repress.” There were unshed tears in her eyes when she spoke about him. “I never forgave him, Cheech. I hate him and I hate how he made me feel. I felt betrayed and I feel betrayed with Lauren too.��

The other woman nodded. “I understand that, Mila.” She wrapped an arm around her friend’s shoulder and pulled her closer to her. “I wish you didn’t have to go through that. I wish he was a better father figure, but he wasn’t. He’s a piece of shit who broke your heart. Hell, Lauren is a piece of shit too, but it’s different. And do you know how?” She placed a kiss on Camila’s head. “You love her. And you know deep down, Lauren didn’t mean to do what she did, but you’re too scared to let her back in to hurt you, because you kept giving him chance after chance, hoping that he’ll change, but he never did.”

Camila laughed through her tears and pulled away to look at her friend. “It’s funny how you know me so well,” she shook her head smiling. “You’re right, Cheech. I am scared…terrified actually. But I have more to lose with Lauren. If she leaves, if she walks away from me, she’ll take my heart with her and I’ll go crazy.”

Her friend smiled. “This is a step in the right direction, Mila. You’re one step closer to forgiving her.”

Camila stood up and straightened her clothing. “I think…I think I need some fresh air. I’m going to walk around the park for a bit.”

Dinah nodded. “I’ll see you later.”

*** *At the Park*

Camila had been roaming the park for the last half an hour, watching the passing strangers. She sighed as she saw those disgustingly cute couples who were walking and holding hands whilst they strolled through the parks.

Didn’t they know it was illegal to show public displays of affection? Okay, maybe not illegal, but it was rather rude, when other people were going through their own relationship problems.

She took a seat on a park bench and sighed heavily. Running a hand through her hair, she glanced around and her eyes stopped on an elderly couple. The woman had her head on her husband’s shoulder and he kept placing random kisses on her head, whilst their hands were intertwined, as they looked on at two kids who were feeding some ducklings; assuming those kids were their grandchildren.

Admittedly, she felt a tad bit jealous because that’s what she wanted with Lauren. She wanted to grow old with her and still be, as in love as the day they first realised they were in love.

The idea of spending the rest of their lives together was never a scary thought to either of them. Marriage, was always something they both aimed for, but why did it all go downhill from the moment they got married?

Camila looked down at her wedding ring and ran her finger over it. “Just say you won’t let go,” she whispered.

When Camila looked up, she noticed that the old man was heading off with the young children and the woman had been staring at her. She sent her a small smile in which the singer returned. It was as though the elderly woman noticed something to be off with her, so she approached the brunette.

“Hello, mija,” she greeted her as she took a seat next to her. “Are you here all alone?”

Camila nodded. “I-uh…yeah I am. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be staring at you or at your family.”

The woman laughed softly. “It’s quite alright, dear. I didn’t come to chastise you. It’s just that you don’t look okay. What seems to be the matter?” Was it that obvious to people? Or was this woman just very observant? “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’ll have you know that I’m a very great listener with a lot of life experience.” She joked causing Camila to laugh.

“It’s just…I was looking at you and at your husband, and it made me think that I want that with my wife,” the woman didn’t respond and Camila assumed that she might’ve been homophobic and disgusted when she mentioned that she had a wife. But when she looked at the woman she had a thoughtful expression etched on her face.

“So why can’t you have that with your wife?” The woman asked. “Does she not want to be with you? Or you with her?”

Camila shook her head 'no’. “It’s not that, it’s just…we’re not like what we used to be.”

The elderly woman nodded. “Not every relationship is perfect, mija. There’s ups and downs. Sometimes more downs than ups. It gets tough and the easier option seems like to walk away and move on with someone else, but you know deep down in your heart, that you can’t love the new person the same way you loved the other,” Camila hung on to every word that this woman was telling her. “My husband; Don and I, we’ve been married for 45 years. And if you think there weren’t times when I didn’t want to strangle him in his sleep, then you’re wrong,” they both laughed. “We’ve both messed up a lot over the course of our marriage, but we sat down together and tried to solve our problems instead of running away. We love each other. We’re each other’s biggest fans, and each other’s best friends. I couldn’t ask for a better husband.”

Camila noticed the smile that was on the woman’s face as she talked about her husband and the way her eyes lit up. She truly loved this man, even after all these years.

“Tell me about your wife,” the woman smiled. “What is she like?”

“Her name is Lauren. She’s a photographer, and she’s everything that I could’ve ever wanted in a life partner. When I look at her, I see my home, I see the rest of my life, but I see the person who hurt me. It doesn’t take away the fact that she’s selfless. She puts everyone else’s needs before hers. She’s smart; I love talking to her, and listening to the things that are in her head. She’s so talented and has an eye for taking great pictures. But most importantly…she loves me in a way I didn’t think was possible. She comforts me when I need it, she’s my biggest fan. And even though, now I don’t think she really cares about me or my career, I know it’s just my thoughts. And I know she cares about me and supports me.”

The woman took Camila’s hand in hers and gently patted it. “This Lauren sounds like an incredible woman.”

The singer nodded and smiled. “Yeah, she really is. It’s just me…I’m not even remotely deserving of her. To think, she always felt like she didn’t deserve me,” she chuckled. “It’s me. The first time I saw her, I was lost for words. She wasn’t the popular girl at school, and she wasn’t well known, but when I saw her, she stood out in a crowd full of people. I knew then and there, that at the ending of the school year, I had to take her out on a date.”

The older woman laughed. “Very confident, weren’t you?”

“Girls dig confidence,” Camila laughed along with her. “But no, I wasn’t confident. I just…I just had to get to know her. And if I didn’t try, I would’ve probably lived with a life of regret.”

“And I’m sure you’ll live with a life of regret if you were to walk away from this Lauren. Am I right?” The woman stared at her with a soft smile. “You don’t even have to tell me that you love her, because I can see it in your eyes, with the way you talk about her. Don’t lose out on possibly the best thing that could ever happen to you. I know it’s scary giving yourself to someone, but it’s worth it. Is she worth it?”

Camila didn’t even have to think twice about that question. “She’s more than worth it.”

“Then it’s okay to forgive her for whatever she did. It’s okay to want to try again. It’s okay to trust her. It’s okay to tell her that she hurt you, and it’s okay to feel hurt,” the woman smiled when she saw her husband standing at a distance off. “I think it’s time for me to go.”

Camila nodded. “It’s okay. Thank you for you know, sitting and talking some sense into me.”

The woman laughed. “I didn’t have to say anything you already didn’t know.” She opened her arms and Camila gave her a hug. When they pulled away she took the singer’s hand in hers. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I hope so,” the brunette whispered. She watched as the woman began walking away.

The elderly woman stopped a little distance off and looked over her shoulder. “Oh and Camila?” The singer looked a bit startled when she used her name. “I wish you and Lauren the best. You’re a beautiful couple.” She winked and walked away.

Camila shook her head smiling and headed back to Dinah’s. Her heart feeling lighter than it ever felt in quite sometime. When she approached the house, she saw her friend sitting on the patio with a drink in hand.

“Well don’t you look happy. What happened? Finally decided to ditch Lauren’s ass and get with some cutie you met at the park?” She took a sip of her wine and patted the seat next to her.

Camila shook her head and laughed. “Quite the opposite actually. I met this woman in the park and we talked for a bit, and I realised that it’s okay for me to forgive Lauren. That it’s okay to feel what I feel. And that I really want to be with Lauren. She even know my name,” the singer furrowed her eyebrows. “Weird.”

Dinah snorted loudly. “Girl, half the world knows your name. How is that weird?”

“Oh shit, you right. I’m famous,” she laughed. “I kinda forgot for a moment to be honest.”

Her friend shook her head. “So what are you going to do now? Are you going to jump back into bed with your Venezuelan empanada?” She burst out laughing.

Camila choked on air. “What the fuck, Dinah? That’s literally the weirdest shit you’ve ever said.”

“I can’t help the stupid shit I say. But seriously, what’s going to happen now?”

The brunette shrugged. “We’re going to take it one day at a time and work on us. And I mean it this time, I’m ready to forgive her. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to continue loving her with no restrictions.” She smiled happily.

“Good! I was about the smack the shit out of you and tell you to pull yourself together. Camren has always been my ship, and if your Argentinian ass had the audacity to sink it, I would’ve been pressed.” She turned to look at her friend and smacked her anyway.

“You better pull yourself together! I know you’re hurt, but you’re not just Camila Cabello. You’re the Mrs Camila Jauregui - Cabello. You’re Lauren’s wife. The love of her life! You better claim your woman when she comes back!”

Camila clutched her cheek and glared at her friend. “If you weren’t hyping me up right now, I would’ve been so mad at you. But you’re right, Cheech. I’m not going to let her go. I’m not going to let Izzy go. I’m not going to let my family go. I love them. I love us and we’re going to work out.”

Dinah patted her friend on her back. “That’s my girl,” she smirked. “Camren for the win!”

***

There was a loud knock on the Jauregui - Cabellos’ door. Camila groaned loudly.

“Who’s up at these ungodly hours?” She thought as she walked towards the door. Even though it was nine in the morning, she didn’t have any need to be awoken so early.

When she opened the door, she couldn’t help the way her heart began to accelerate and the biggest smile that found its way on her face.

“Camz…”

*** Yooo, am I the commander or am I the commander? Y'all must’ve lost faith in me, but lesbehonest, Camren is endgame here. These dumbasses just needed to figure themselves out.

In the upcoming chapter, y'all gonna get some insight into their underlying issues. So welcome back Dr Briggs 👻

Wattpad: Commander_Camren

#UPDATE #series #g!p #camren #angst drama #family #humour #romance fluff #submission #Why Did I Get Married

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allthephils · 6 years

Text

Repose

Chapter 8

I will likely post the next chapter very soon! Thanks for reading!

Word count: 3068 Rating M (language, sleeping beauty au)

Read on ao3

The sun was low in the sky when Phil finally left Dan’s side. He gave Adrian a hug goodbye and a promise to see him tomorrow. This time, when Phil got in the car, he was surprised to see Dennis at the wheel. “Oh. Hi. I thought you were working the door.”

Dennis eyed Phil in the rear view mirror. “Working the door? I’m not a bouncer, mate.”

“I know that Dennis, that’s not what I meant. Just, I trust you with his life, that’s all.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I left someone I trust at my post.”

It was strange talking to Dennis again. He knew more about Phil and Dan than anyone. He was witness to their love story and to their undoing. He looked the other way on more than one occasion so that Dan could just be an 18 year old man, so that he could fall in love. Gratitude brought tears to Phil’s eyes, taking him completely by surprise. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, had left him raw and sensitive.

“Dennis, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to thank you. For letting me in yesterday. It really means the world to me and it looks like it might really make a difference to Dan too.”

Dennis stayed focused on the road. “Well, it’s not like you gave me much of a choice, Phil.”

“Yeah, sorry about all that. But I know full well that you could have tackled me to the ground or had me arrested, or like, thrown in the dungeon or something.”

It’s a miracle the glass didn’t shatter for the look Dennis gave Phil in the mirror. They were quiet until they neared Phil’s apartment.

“8am tomorrow.” Dennis said authoritatively.

Phil winced. “Um, actually Dennis. I don’t really do 8am. I need to be rested and emotionally prepared when I see Dan so let’s say noon. Ok?”

Dennis got out and opened Phil’s door. “Noon then.”

Phil stood in front of Dennis and looked at his tired face. He’d aged since Phil first met him, more than 5 years worth and it occurred to Phil that this must be really hard for Dennis too.

“Dennis, this is so scary, for all of us. If you ever need anyone to talk to… I mean, are you doing ok?”

Dennis patted Phil hard on the shoulder, it seemed like a pretty important gesture though Phil wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He didn’t say another word, just got in the car and drove away.

Phil plopped onto the sofa exhausted and pulled his phone out. He turned it on, he couldn’t remember the last time his phone had been all the way off. This is how it would be now, disconnected. He didn’t know how many days he’d be spending just hanging out with Dan but he’d already resigned himself to this new life for the foreseeable future. Everyday he’d be with Dan and every night, he’d come back here and try to keep his life running. If he filmed something tonight, he could edit tomorrow night. Get it out of the way so he could forget about it for a few days. He opened Twitter, hoping for inspiration but that’s not what he found. His feed brimmed with speculation about why the royals had stopped letting people in to try and wake Dan. Most believed the protests had been successful, but there were other theories too. Maybe they had found her, the woman Dan would marry, maybe he’d gotten better, maybe he’d gotten worse, and in one small corner of Twitter, maybe #Phaniel was the reason. The video of Phil defending his right to see Dan was everywhere. #Phaniel was still trending. Reluctantly, Phil clicked on one of many video links.

You could clearly hear him use the word homophobia, just before he threatened to sick his fans on the castle. Shit. You could also hear Dennis call Phil by name and say you know I can’t let you in. It was pretty obvious Phil wasn’t a stranger to Dan. And now, thousands of tweets asking Phil what had happened had been ignored all day. It was only one day but that was enough to produce Phaniel videos cutting together footage of Dan and Phil against music about star-crossed lovers, destiny, and dreaming. Photoshopped images of the two of them sent Phil’s heart reeling. They were too close to home, too true. He wished his fans were just a little less savvy. He felt nauseous. The only thing he hated more than being tangled up in politics was having his personal life exposed. Panic began to set in and Phil had to make a conscious effort to steady his breath. His heart beat loud in his ears. Could he ignore this? Deny it? He could say he was on the Isle of Man, he usually turned his phone off when he went there. That wouldn’t satisfy his fans though and he knew that. They wanted an explanation for the video, they weren’t going to fall for a lie. His phone felt like a grenade in his hand and he had no idea how to put the pin back. It vibrated and he jumped, his nerves completely shot after two days of emotional exhaustion.

Louise: How are you holding up?

Louise, thank god.

Phil: Not great. What are you doing right now?

Louise: Headed home to put Darcy to bed but Liam can do that. You want some company?

Phil: God yes.

Louise: 20 minutes

Louise didn’t hand out hugs to just anyone. She hated being touched for the most part but Phil had always been the exception. She let herself into the apartment, of course she had a key, and walked toward Phil with open arms. He stood and let his best friend hold him tight.

“Seeing you three days in a row is quite a treat, Philip,” Louise cooed, “I just wish the circumstances were a bit lighter.”

The doorbell buzzed. “I ordered us pizza. I’ll get it.” Louise ran downstairs.

Phil went to the kitchen for all the necessary things and came back to Louise opening the box.

“That smells amazing. Louise, you truly are the best best friend.” He kissed her cheek and grabbed a slice, feeling his anxiety start to dissipate.

Knowing he didn’t have to explain what was going on was incredibly comforting. Louise had certainly kept up on the drama all day. She’d likely been asked her share of invasive questions about Phil and she had definitely deflected every one of them.

“Louise, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.”

“I know, love.” She watched Phil’s face soften but there was still so much there. “Phil, yesterday you said that you thought you might have loved Dan...”

“Yeah, Louise, that’s a pile of crap. I loved him. I wanted to marry him, I think Dan is the love of my life.” His voice cracked just a bit and he took a bite to swallow it down before it could turn into something more.

“Ok, well this all makes more sense now. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I signed an non-disclosure agreement. You already knew he'd asked me out so I just kept the details sparse I guess. Plus, you were my favorite drinking buddy then but we weren’t like we are now. We weren’t us.”

Louise frowned. “Phil, I’m so sorry. Who did you talk to? Like when you broke up. Why did you break up? Oh my god, I have so many questions.”

“I didn't talk to anyone. I couldn’t. It was awful, Lou. I’ve never felt pain like that. I just faked it, you know? And eventually I moved on.”

“Oh Philly. I hate that. I hate knowing you went through that on your own.” Louise had teared up a bit, always the empathetic one, she wiped away the one tear that escaped. “Do you feel ready to tell me about you and Dan?”

Phil was so tired, to the bone, but he’d never told anyone these stories and he needed this right now. He needed the catharsis and the understanding and the love. Louise was the only person he’d let see him like this, so open and vulnerable. Well, Louise and Dan. He told her the beginning and the end. The middle was beautiful and mundane and they didn't have time for that story right now. They laughed a lot and Phil opened a bottle of wine and they cried too. Louise volunteered to tweet in Phil’s place for a few days. Non-committal, cryptic tweets while he was at the castle with his phone confiscated. They both knew it wasn’t a solution but maybe it would hold off the mob for a few days so Phil could have some peace and figure out what to do.

Phil had kissed the most beautiful boy last night and that boy had kissed him back. All was right in the world. The day started with a sweet good morning text from Dan. That started Phil’s heart fluttering and it hadn’t stopped yet. He called his mum after that because that’s what Phil does when he’s feeling really great. He talked way too fast and laughed too easily. She asked how much coffee he’d had to drink. She asked what he wasn’t telling her and if there was a girl.

“I’m just having a good day, mum. And no, there isn’t a girl. Can’t a guy just be happy to talk to his mum?”

“Not this happy.” She had said.

He went outside because the sun was shining and it seemed appropriate for the romantic comedy montage he felt like he was living in. He had no shame about the extra spring in his step and the permanent smile plastered on his face. At the bakery, Phil giggled and blushed his way through ordering coffee and scones. Leo just grinned and said he was glad it went well. He sat outside, a rare thing for him. He wouldn’t even have minded if a follower came by. The table next to him was empty but someone had left the paper behind. Phil reached over to pick it up, warming at the memory of his first discovery of grown up Dan, looking out at him from the pages of a tabloid just like this one. He paged through, past stories of actors cheating with nannies and pop stars in rehab. This paper was seriously garbage. Just as he was about to toss it aside, the words Royal Love Story pg 9 caught Phil’s eye. Half of page 9 was taken up by a photo of Dan, clearly taken without his knowledge, in the garden at Windsor castle. Dan stood about a foot from Iris Spencer, his hand on her waist. He leaned in close to her ear. She wore a wide smile, amused by whatever Dan must be saying. God, Dan looked good. He wore slim slacks and slip on shoes with a little ankle showing. His button down shirt hugged his chest and accentuated his trim arms. Iris looked like she’d coordinated her outfit with his, she looked like garden party Barbie, totally at home in her natural environment.

Phil’s stomach lurched a bit. He knew he had no right to be jealous when he and Dan had only been on two dates. He was jealous though, mostly of the way Iris could just walk in and out of Dan’s life with so much ease, no NDAs, no bodyguards. He was, of course, also jealous of the way Dan’s hand was on her waist and the fact they were sharing something in that moment, something just for them. Rationally, he knew that the photo was out of context, that tabloids lie. That didn’t dull the sting of the words Is this the future queen? at the top of the page. It didn’t make him feel any better about the stark contrast between him and the rest of Dan’s life. Dan would be crazy to choose Phil over what he had in that photo. Maybe he’s just slumming, getting his gay side a little attention before going back to his rich girlfriend. The girl his family loved, the girl from the right kind of family. She has a penthouse and throws catered parties with stylish friends. Phil has pizza and Ribena by candlelight. Dan’s going to be king one day. He won’t be 18 year old Dan; beautiful, passionate, nerdy Dan for long. It’s bigger than them. One day, he would have a queen.

One kiss and Phil had imagined a future with Dan. But it was an amazing kiss, a beautiful kiss. And Dan had been vulnerable and sweet and open. You can’t fake that, right? A kiss like that has got to mean something. Phil wished he could call his mum back and tell her everything, get some advice, but he really couldn’t. He tried to imagine what she might say. She’d say that Dan was lucky to have met Phil and that the royal family don’t have anything on the Lesters. She’d say that if Phil was worried about that photo, he should just ask Dan about it. She’d say that Phil’s heart was very seldom wrong and he should follow it. And she’d be right, she always was, even when she was just a voice in Phil’s head.

So he followed his slightly bruised, mildly frightened, very excited heart. He picked up his phone and texted Dan.

Phil: Can I ask you something?

Phil was surprised when Dan responded right away, he figured he’d be busy working on some admirable project.

Dan: I’m an open book

Phil: How long were you with Iris Spencer?

Dan: With? I wasn't. Our parents conspired to get us together but we are just friends. I’m not interested in her

Dan: I am interested in you though

Phil felt some small measure of relief but he also had a masochistic desire to know more.

Phil: But you dated?

Dan: No, not really. My family invited her to things, functions. We do spend time together, we have all the same friends. Where is this coming from Phil?

Phil: So you never slept together?

Phil regretted it the minute he hit send. That was truly none of his business, he was being petty and jealous and immature.

Phil: Shit. Don’t answer that Dan. I’m sorry. I saw a photo in a tabloid and I spiraled

Dan: Ah. Ok. That explains a lot. We did hook up a couple times as drunk teenagers. It was exactly how those things are and it has no bearing on any thing that is happening now.

Phil: What is happening now?

Dan: Me and you are happening now

The ache in Phil chest shifted. The jealousy had turned to longing and Phil wished Dan was here so he could wrap his arms around him and chase away any remaining doubt.

Phil: Me and you

Dan: Dan and Phil

Phil: Phil and Dan

Phil: Phan

Dan: Phan! :-)

Phil: I ship it

Dan: You remember PJ?

Phil: Yes

Dan: He’s having a party tomorrow night. There will be less snogging and more video games than the last party I took you too. PJ is a big nerd. Come with me?

Phil: Yes

Dan: Yay! His house is on the beach. You are going to love it. It’s in Brighton. Is that ok?

Phil: Is it ok?

Phil: I’m not sure. Let’s review. You want me to accompany a gorgeous prince to a beach house in Brighton to play video games and eat gluten free artisan pickles?

Dan: I can’t guarantee the pickles.

Phil: Ug. What good are you if you can’t guarantee artisan pickles?

Dan: I’ll think of some way to make it up to you ;)

Phil: *fans self*

Dan: Pick you up at 5?

Phil: Ok. Come earlier if you want. I miss you.

Dan: I miss you too. See you tomorrow. Xoxo

Dan didn’t come to the door, instead he texted Phil to come down. When he climbed in, there was a basket in the center seat, a picnic basket. Dan leaned over and gave Phil a hello kiss. It was so casual, like they’d known each other for ages and this was just the way they greeted each other. Phil’s heart flipped in his chest. “What’s this?” He gestured to the basket.

Dan smiled that wide affectionate smile that Phil was starting to grow familiar with.

“Well, we’ve got at least two hours in this car and I thought it might be nice to have a picnic.”

He opened the basket and pulled out 2 checkered napkins, handing one to Phil. There were tiny sandwiches wrapped in parchment paper and tied with string. Dan pointed at each one and explained what was inside, scrunching his nose in disbelief when Phil said he didn’t like cheese. They ate and laughed about Phil’s picky taste in food and how pizza was the exception to every rule. Dan handed Phil a glass and pulled out a tiny bottle of champagne. There were strawberries and pears drizzled with dark chocolate for dessert.

“Is this legal? The champagne? In the car?” Phil asked.

“Strictly speaking? No. But I think we’re good.” Dan moved the basket over his lap so he was sitting next to Phil.

“Buckle your seat belt, Dan.” Phil gave Dan a quick peck on the cheek, eyes darting toward the front seat to see if Dennis was looking.

“Ok, mum.” Dan put a strawberry to Phil’s lips. “Don’t worry, Dennis won’t peek. He promised.”

Phil bit into the berry, letting the flavors spread over his tongue, imagining how it would taste to kiss Dan after this. “You are so romantic. I’ve never had anyone do something like this for me. How are you only 18?”

“I had to do something to thank you for the other night. Plus, I might have a chef at home who helped me put this together.” Dan popped the rest of the strawberry into his mouth.

They drank champagne and fed each other fruit, sharing sweet chaste kisses between bites. It was absurdly cliche and absolutely perfect. Phil thought, this is it, this is what it’s like to date a prince.

#Phan #phanfic #phanfiction #sleeping beauty au

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