#this probably isnt the most coherent my brains not working with me but i really wanted to ramble abt my kids sjddmfnena

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

various sloda discourse, etc etc

i briefly touched on most of these before but this is my personal self-indulgend “I AM CORRECT NO ONE TOUCH ME” post about themes in the game, criticism i saw from others, and my own grudges with it

(warning for story spoilers) (of the whole game)

1. DUDE MADARAME IS FUCKED. THIS IS NOT LOVE

i cannot stress this enough. madarame does not love towa. madarame is a manipulative, deeply selfish, lonely person who specifically preys on the weak. i dont know if this is obvious to people who have never been abuse victims before and had to spent a large amount of time with people like him. he engages in multiple well-known abuse tactics: weakening towa and blaming it on him. blameshifting and gaslighting. specifically offering help afterwards to appear merciful. alienating towa from his friends to cancel out outside help. destroying towas sense of self, his sense of time, his ideals in life. destroying his confidence. at the start of the route towa hates everything about him, doesnt want to see him again, is grossed out by how much madarame violates him. at the end he is too destroyed to form coherent thoughts. anything that isnt being chained up and beaten and raped feels like a mercy to him. there is a reason madarame simply does not appear in the taku, rei, fujieda routes; towa has a social circle. he has support structures. it is harder to get to him. the only time madarame is able to successfully manipulate him, is when towa is in a downward spiral over indirectly killing someone and actively pushing others away. it also really is no coincidence to me madarame was drawn towards towa when he was young. towa was in a vulnerable spot: an older teen, who just escaped the most horrific past life, is caught up with the yakuza, and is extremely prone to selfharming. to a 30-ish year old madarame, he was an easy target to overpower. at the end of the day its all power games and feeling superior to him.

the game literally spells this out. over and over and over. there is nothing beautiful about it. it is a telling character study and explains a lot about their history and the world. but it is not a romance story.

like. dont romanticise this. be very very vigilant how much madarame isnt just gaslighting towa but you. learn about this behaviour and become a more mindful person through it.

2. towa, as a character, is the most satisfying creation

my boy towa. he is such a character. he is not the type i usually love but i am so so strongly captivated by his very special nature.

it is made so so easy by the game to put yourself in towas shoes. sometimes you play through a part only to realize the depths of what happened earlier bc you suddenly snapped out of towa brain. at least thats what it felt like to me.

he is strong and he is weak and he is manipulative but also brutally and compassionately honest. and it never feels out of place. i cannot describe how much i love this skrunkly. i especially love when he gets chattier later into a route... when you can tell he acts like a loner but loves his friends and loves to have people around him. he is a hot mess but he takes his meds and works his silly little job. they really captured the perfect image of a person who has given up on everything but underneath it all there is still a drive. there is still so much will to live.

i also feel like most people probably drastically changed their opinions on him while playing through the whole game. you learn and grow with him. theres a real sort of connection.

3. WISH IT WASNT A PORN GAME

slow damage, for all its rawness and aspirations, really gets held back by being sold under the premise that theres a set amount of porn scenes in every route. this is especially rough to read and sit throught in the madarame and foujieda routes but its odd for the other two as well. i understand there must be a certain amount of consistency if youre trying to sell a product, especially if you are nitrochi and, well, known for dick and balls. but at best it feels very out of place in this carefully crafted self-aware universe and at worst it just comes across as straight up offensive.

there were many times where i thought that either not having a sex scene at all would have been more meaningful (fujieda route, after towa almost killed himself. AT LEAST LEAVE THE CUM DIGGING OUT. or let towa do it himself. GOD.) or focussing on towas feelings instead of eroticism would have been better from a storytelling standpoint (madarame) and more tasteful.

I ASSUME this is as much a problem with boys love/vn media in general as it is with this game. though i cant say i read much BL. because i am not interested in reading about trama porn and shock value, which are an infamous stereotype. there is a time and place for graphic content but i feel like normalizing it and making it fapping material (sorry for my cringe wording) is really offensive and just damaging to readers in the long run.

4. the gender of it all

i have been thinking about this for a while and i think the localization team really made a great effort with getting the gender of characters across. imo, it would have been perfectly reasonable to have rei use she AND he pronouns throughout the story. though, see the point above, i dont know how limiting the genre is in that regard. and i do appreciate they really captured reis like... quirky bubbly personality and she and the gang do collectively go by “girls” a couple of times, iirc. it would have also been fine to use she/her for honami, junko, and arashi but i really Really love them all going by they/them as well. i did not expect them to be such heartfelt precious characters without transphobic violence ever being a topic and it was a breath of fresh air and so wonderful. their little clique truly is such a source of love and courage in the story. usually universes without any sort of bigots feel fake BUT in an enviroment like shinkomi it doesnt feel out of place! at least to me. you see all kinds of diverse people there. i do not doubt for a minute that the transgender community background of this city is probably the best thing about it LOL

in general, i did not expect gender to be such a big topic in general. reis development is interesting to watch and analyse. why does him becoming masc happen here but not in other routes? is this truly the end to the rei gender journey? is this party brought into place bc rei identifies moreso as a gay man than a woman here? lots to think about!!! not in a negative way at all, i think reis struggle with gender performance was really relatable+well executed.

ADDITIONALLY the fujieda bad end provides such an interesting take on this conglomerate between towa and his mother. the switches between pronouns were FANTASTIC and such punches in the gut. i absolutely LIVE for this monstrous uncomfortable weirdly gender creation and the little touches of “i thought there stood a woman....” and “it didnt matter to me if it was him or her”

5. somewhere between high empathy and cognitive dissonance

ngl, it is not inherently something i like but i am absolutely obsessed with the slight hypocrisy in the storytelling. (affectionately. they did well for what they had written out.)

shinkomi is a city filled with the impoverished, the disadvantaged and underprivileged, the sick and the preyed on. this is often mentioned and shown to be the case in the background, yet all the characters we meet live under stable circumstances. the danger never touches us, it is merely a setpiece. yet we are supposed to understand how rough life there is.

IN FACT CLASS IS SO IMPORTANT TO THIS UNIVERSE that i want to argue it was not necessarily the scars that helped fujieda and towa to bond, they were just a visual cue that thematically fit into the story. what really lifted any reservations between them was the recognition that fujieda comes from less than stellar place as well, that he has known a socially and financially unstable and dangerous enviroment. it eradicates fujiedas standing as a member of the upper class and makes him approachable.

mentioned under point 3: the underlying evil of the game is the sexual and physical abuse towa suffered in the past. yet current sexual abuse is often written to be sexy and appealing. it is quite dishonest

there is no love interest that does not have blood on their hands yet the only one to speak about his grief is taku. this makes sense because as a doctor, his sense to do good is deeply ingrained into his person, it is simply in character to do so. but shouldnt rei get to have a heart to heart about the people she had to beat in moneymatches, at the very least?

eiji as a character is this whole concept personified LOL i like him a lot

6. alas, fujieda is still in the trenches

slow damage really managed to cleanly wrap up so many little sideplots and the main mystery and tragedy surrounding towa and his mother was executed absolutely beautifully.

but alas, fujieda stayed in the trenches. he very much comes across as a side character to towa in the final route. yet he has his own trauma, his own regrets about his past, his own unresolved struggles. the end very much hints towards him and towa slowly healing together but ah.... i cant help but think i would have loved to see more that vulnerable side of him more...

from what i have heard about the artbook story (havent been able to check his afterstory drama cd out yet! but i definitely plan to listen to it eventually), it took half a year for him and towa to get physical again. thats so... strangely calming. the entire time throughout the post-shower scene i couldnt help but think they are searching for warmth but also slightly retraumatizing eachother. bro.. the sweet pain of seeing him readjust towas hands and face if he touched or kissed him in a wrong place. gently and quietly. without saying anything. you could tell he is still deeply hurt and was using the skills from his own undesirable past just to please towa. its very sacrifical in that way. this sounds like im not talking about what was really just a prostate massage but yeah. anyway.

i cant help but think fujieda hates sex. not that he dislikes intimacy. and he certainly seems to adore towa. but he has clear limits. sad but also nice to see, i think??? i love the vulnerability of it.

7. jast usa made a lifelike translation and everyone hated them for it

OK YES!!! YES!!! I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE!! but talking about it with my friends who do......... idk man i think they just tried to create a lifelike translation and put some funnies in there. its honestly fine. also on behalf of the very consistent they/themming i am willing to eat out of their hand. yes, yes maybe rei did not originally end all these sentences in “, hun?” but you know what. if english pronouns are putting a limit on you, you have to have him talk like a motherhen.

8. ok we have to do this. we have to talk about DISABILITY

towa is... so disabled. towas is deeply chronically ill. and we need to ackowledge this. to truly grasp a lot of the significance of the story. he is missing an eye, he is super mega depressed and suicidal, he is terribly underweight, no doubt his has multiple other physical issues caused by past injuries.

when everyone supports him unconditionally, they want to include and spend time with their struggling disabled friend. when people violate him, they are specifically abusing a disabled person with less chances to help and save himself. when taku is impossibly protective over him to a point where he neglects to tell him things, he is acting out a pseudo-custodian role he voluntarily picked up just because towa means a lot to him.

i spoke about this before but autonomy is of HUGE importance to towa. both because his specific backstory and childhood trauma AND because he is a disabled person. i think the fact people dont try to hold him back from going on self destructive sprees has a lot to do with this. they know it is his weakest spot. he does not react well to it. also shown quite effectively but how much freedom he loses in his bad ends.

in a way the madarame route makes specific use of this; madarame denies him his right to stay unharmed and stable and sells it to him under the guise of independence. but i think everyone can understand that this will never be a realistic permanent solution for someone in need of care, even if it might seem temporarily desirable. you cannot survive and thrive like this.

9. pick your coping skill; the game

slow damage, in my opinion, is a game mainly focussed on hurt and coping skills. everything towa does is a direct or subconscious attempt to cope with his life and past experiences. as such, to me it seems like the routes are less about love interests and more about different ways of dealing with it.

taku -> just fight the symptoms. take care of yourself. you can be happy in a new life. just attempt to bury your issues.

rei -> socializing is really really good for you and will help you build up confidence <3 also keeps you from running into traffic bc your friends will actually let you know your life matters

madarame -> just badcope lol. wear it like a shield and lash out against yourself and others. hurt hurt hurt but at least you dont have to work on yourself. it is the direct easy way out

foujieda -> radically tackling the roots of the issue. you will be SO hurt but you might be able to heal in a few years time

10. personal favourites (unimportant, i just wanna gush)

fav characters: taku (his old man sad boy swag has bewitched me, i just really love his struggle with doing the right thing, as a person AND a medical professional. he is the only character allowed to truly express his pain and guilt), ikuina (i love a good softspoken yandere what can i say. also flowerboy <3), igarashi (WHaT WAS HIS DEAL I NEED TO KNOW HOW HE ENDED UP WITH THE YAKUZA he is such a honest puppy of a person. his last post-game dialogue makes me think this isnt even a facade, he just is an upstanding person) honorable mentions: towa (how can you not be obsessed with him), rei (sweetest girl. literally did no wrong. joy of my life), eiji (HIS REVOLVER OCELOT LARP WAS UNBELIEVABLE literally hes just so funny and evil)

fav good/euphoria end: ITS NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS but taku. definitely taku. yeah the weird dependent relationship between a doctor and a patient with 20 years age gap is quite creepy. i could not imagine this irl. but their chemistry and just... fluffy, gentle, sweet bond. is. everything to me. while it is not the ideal solution by any means, i also love the sweet pain of towa just never finding out about his past and starting a new life without it. it will always hurt a little bit in the back. but he can be happy and surrounded by friends. I ALSO REALLY LOVE FUJIEDA GOOD END i think i would be way more obsessed with it if i saw them interact more in a very casual setting? since the plot moved on quickly, they had very little time to really... establish what connects them outside of painful things that happened in the past?

fav bad/madness end: FUJIEDAAAAAAAA it is so fucked up. it is the scariest one despite being the least bloody. there is something deeply deeply haunting about watching towa go through all of this, experience so much pain and suffering in the name of uncovering and rediscovering his own life......just for it all to be for nothing. he got worse. this truly is the most chilling outcome of them all and i think it is a fantastic last end for a story that mainly focusses on trauma and recovery. isnt that the ultimate horror story.

also i am quite fascinated that in every other madness end, towas life gets ruined by his love interests. fujieda however is as much in the role of a victim as he is, though. and the slight cry for help at the end really drives home why he cannot leave. they are caught in worlds unhappiest yet loving marriage.

fav route to play: FUJIEDA ONCE AGAIN just because the game got so quirky with visuals and you finally get all the information and clues and emotional gratification of it all. yes it also destroys you mentally but thats part of the joy.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY. reis route. it is so deeply defined by his beautiful friendships and there is a real sense of life and love when you see his little clique hang out... it definitely is the most fluffy and feel good to play through. i dont really like reitowa as a romantic pairing but seeing them hang out is SOOOO sweet.

thank you everyone for coming to my ted talk

[freakurodani]

Would you like to share your thoughts on the bokuakakuroken dynamic?

OKAY so uhh it took me longer to get to this than anticipated. unfortunately i got this ask RIGHT before i started my shift, and its been ough, more than 12 hours since i ended my shift, which means my thoughts had so much time to change and morph

i will try to gather my thoughts into coherency fjakjbas (no promises tho,,), these arent all necessarily romantic, i think they CAN be! but i think if they are a polycule, theyre a friendgroup first?? idk, i think they are a mix of romantic, queerplatonic, friendship soup yknow??

but i really enjoy the subtle rivalry between akaashi and kenma on the court. It's not the overt goading and gloating that bokuto and kuro have with each other, but its there. And I adore it. Captains and setters mirroring each other... balance... in my brain. I think there is lots of team work OFF the court between kenma and akaashi too, especially when it comes to making fun of bokuto and kuroo. they have an understanding

i think bokuto and kenma are an interesting pair. in volleyball, bokuto is WAY TOO MUCH for kenma. he's loud and boisterous and greedy. he's like shouyou, kenma can't get away with anything. off the court, bokuto is STILL A LOT, but he also shows such *genuine* interest in kenma's interests, he's attentive and engaged. he also gets *way less* scandalized by nudity and gore in Kenma's more intense games. Kenma isnt great at explaining things, but bokutos go gettem attitude makes him a pretty fun player two

kuroo and akaashi... i thought about them a lot. to me, they are STEM and HUMANITIES solidarity. I'm going to tangent to curate the vibe~~.

The separation of stem and humanities is a fairly recent development in education/academia. in the european renaissance, art and science were so deeply interconnected. to be an artist you had to understand the natural world. it helped you greatly as a scientist if you could depict the world you saw. Leonardo da Vinci probably comes to mind, incredible artist and inventor. He stared at water for hours watching it ripple. He believed that if you were not outside drawing every second you could, you were hardly an artist at all (he was VERY hardcore, and VERY uhh.. most ppl didnt like him much. Same with michelangelo. Raphael was the renaissance's golden boy, it's why the pope was in close contact with him while he did the school of athens in his library while michelangelo was still waiting for a letter back from the pope about the sistine chapel (pope didnt wanna talk to him) none of this is relevant but i LOVE talking about this stuff. Bernini is my favorite, though he is Baroque/late renaissance rather than High Renaissance (after the mannerist movement!! very important distinction. (did you know there were TWO bernini's? Gianlorenzo's father, pietro would have been more famous if his son wasn't a prodigy. but he wasn't resentful, he ate up his son's skill, was very proud "i will be known as the father an mentor of the great gianlorenzo!" cute stuff) what number of parenthesis am i at? i think this is the last one)

i digress. I think of akaashi, a literature nerd, and kuroo, a science nerd. and I think of them appreciating that about each other. I like to think that if one of them has intense, burning thoughts about something that moves them, a passage written so beautifully, a chemical reaction so moving, they share with each other. both of them i think, share a certain appreciation for the beauty in the world, and can really appreciate the beauty that the other's perspective comes from. they bleed into each other, akaashi starts thinking more of the physical world, and kuroo, already a metaphorical savant (we are blood, anyone?) appreciates akaashi's musing (absolutely LAUGHED at him the first time Akaashi waxed poetic about bokuto though. They have solidarity but they still lowkey antagonize each other aksfjbaksjfbaskjfbakj)

i think ill cut my thoughts off here. ive really rambled and i think most of it wasn't STRICTLY about bokuakakuroken, but when i was thinking about them yesterday, this.. kinda was the deal. my thoughts can be really difficult to capture and tie down, theyre amorphous clouds that twist and change in hurricane winds so sometimes they just come out as "WAAHA CRYING SOBBINGS OUGH" because thats the only way i can get them out before they slip away

im supposed to be writing things down more, it helps me a lot. but, if you were interested in maybe a sneak peak of what its like to try to think of a single topic in my brain,,, here u go! please enjoy the content you asked for, and i hope the content you DIDNT ask for was at least a little bit interesting <3

[lostfanboy]

Dude!!! Please enlighten me about your OCs!!!

God... I've got so many..... But!!! I'll start with just my main five boys that occupy my every waking thought because I love and adore them Gonna yeet this under a readmore

Okay so quick side note, all of my ocs for the most part are for roleplays with friends, and if their not their for video games or dnd lmao so they tend to have a bunch of different varations/storylines and stuff like that. I've always wanted to make a actual like, comic or book out of a lot of the stories but I've never managed it, so none of the characters have like, a base storyline currently asdfjnasd So their motivations and personalities change/shift based on the story their in.

But! First off we have my baby boy and the oldest oc out of this group, Grech

He's just... my emo disaster I love him very much. He's very quiet and a bit shy, he tends not to show much emotion most of the time? But he just... wants to be friends with people and he wants to be around the people he loves and he's such a good boy and I just -breathes in- love him lots

He's also an absolute idiot this bad boy can fit so many bad decisions in him-

He has a twin sister named Flare who he loves and adores, and he's also got a giant black fluffy cat named Twilight who's his emotional support animal who's... so good.... He's just. Struggling along. Getting angsted by me constantly. He's a big comfort character for me, playing him is like wearing a big cozy sweater sometimes. I just... really love him.

Then we've got Carter!!

Carter is my disaster child, he also may or may not be my whump character, he's just constantly getting into trouble but he tries so hard and he loves people so much and so hard and god ahhh

His whole thing is like... being really compassionate/always trying to see the best in people, which can land him in hot water sometimes because he tends to ignore red flags because of it. He has really big abandonment issues and is just always struggling emotionally and is like... usually feeling shitty but he tries not to let it show. He's snarky and sassy, he tends to try and get a rise out of people he doesn't like and just isn't afraid to Cause Problems On Purpose occasionally. He's super cute, playful, and friendly, he calls his favorite people 'cochise', and... like he's a relatively new oc, I only made him about three years ago, but I feel like I've had him forever I literally love him so much. He also has a cat like Grech, his cat is a syphnx named Sage and she is wonderful.

I could talk about Carter for hours, I have so many feelings about every version of him I've written, he just fills me with feelings. He was meant to be a temporary throwaway character that only showed up for a bit but he just instantly stole my heart and I haven't stopped loving him since.

In the interest of time however let's move on to Damien

Damien, similar to Carter, was actually meant to be a throwaway villain character and then I, you guessed it, got fucking attACHED-

His first appearance had him dramatically draping himself across a chair in a dramatic entrance and he's ruled my life and my RP partner's life ever since

(Aforementioned dramatic chair sitting)

Damien is very much so the 'I don't care about anything except oops now I care about you' trope, he has trouble being emotionally open but he's so sweet once he does open up. He shows his affection through things like gift giving and acts of service and he's really tender and just... an absolute hopeless romantic. Simp. Dumb pining gay.

I just... I love playing Damien so much. He's so fun and dramatic and pretty, I love thinking about him and his motivations and just aaaaaaa he's a good fucking boy dude

Then we have the apple of my eye Jared!

Jared is an absolute sweetheart, just a bouncy lil fella, filled with warmth and also trauma because all of my characters are sad akdfjnaksjd. Jared is just!! Always doing his fucking best man, he wants the best for people. He tries to be really optimistic and like, sunshine-y, even when he's not feeling that way, and he tries to be really caring. He also represses allllll of his anger which is like... y'know... not great.....

But he's fine, probably.

He's actually the only one out of these characters that only has one consistent love interest (My rp partner's character Isaac, who I'd die for) and they are um....... fucking precious I love them so much.

P much all of these characters are ADHD/Autistic bc,, I play them but Jared was the first that I intentionally played that way and as such has consistent hyperfixations and special interests (Namely Tangled, Mulan, Fall out boy, and most of all, spiderman) so I really love that about him.

And, last, but definitely not least, is the chaos son himself Seth

(tungle will only let me use ten photos and I don't like his character sheet anyway so only outfit ref for him akjsdfasdj. As a quick rundown, his full name is Seth Laurens, he's 4'11, he's trans and gay, he's got adhd, autism, and ptsd, and he is a bastard)

Seth is probably the most recent out of any of these characters tbh? I only started getting really into him as a character over the past year or two but god... He's fucking fantastic. Pure chaos. ADHD embodiment.

Seth just has so much energy and rage and very little impulse control, he's constantly wrecking shop and not even meaning too. He's a tiny 4'11 himbo, not a fucking braincell in his lil head. He's very awkward and bad at making relationships but he tries so hard and once he does he latches on so hard to people and just loves them so much. He doesn't really think he's worthy of being cared about most of the time tho

He still has plenty of, sometimes unearned, confidence though. Nothing can stop this stubborn boy once he puts his mind to somethin he's fucking GOING. I love him.

But yeah!! Those are my boys!!! If you wanna learn more abt em I've got a lot more information and stuff on their toyhouses bc I have a,, hyperfixation on my ocs and I can never stop thinking about them. Thank you so much for letting me ramble a bit Tea!!! I really appreciate it ssfdiasask

[hollowisthyname]

Tell me about your aro slut ocs

HEHEHEHEHE OK SO IM TRYING TO GIVE THEM A LOT OF DIFFERENT SEXUALITIES AND STUFF SO I ONLY HAVE ONE RN BUT ILL TELL U ABT THEM !!!!!!! :D

(rant under the cut , cw for some sexual themes but nothing explicit)

ok so !!!! this is onyx hart , amd they're alloaro , pansexual , and polyamorous !! it uses they/it pronouns and neos that i haven't decided on yet , theyre one of my favorites i think abt them a lot hehe

this is my most recent picrew of em , kinda a redesign but the only thing i really changed was the hair fghjhgfd the rest of its design is p much the same

onyx is a ghost , a performer , and yes 100% a slut >:] they struggle with getting close to people and forming connections but it's trying its best , and they've got a group of friends helping :D

theyre a v good actor and they know a lot of performance stuff (acrobatics , magic tricks , etc) , and performing is basically their entire life (escapism who?) it knows how to give people exactly what they want , so it has no trouble w being a slut but because of that they kinda have trouble letting down the facade it puts on around people bc its not used to being seen for who it really is and theyre just a teensy bit scared that ppl won't like them if they're not trying to make them happy all the time (people pleaser who ?)

(brief interlude just to clarify that it's not aromantic "because" of this , they'd be aro either way , and its aromanticism is actually a contributing factor to this fear or being known and feeling of isolation bc for a long long time they didnt have the words for their experience and it's internalized the feeling of its attraction being wrong and bad so all that just adds to the already prevalent attachment issues)

they feel very intense attraction to people sometimes , which isnt romantic it's just A Lot (probably closer to obsession than romantic attraction , and on the off chance that anyone wants to attack me for this i am truly just taking my own experience w attraction and slapping it on this poor character so please don't) , and all of that is p confusing and hard to figure out and deal with sometimes but they're learning to be honest w the object(s) of their affections so everyone can set boundaries and be comfortable ! healthy relationships :D

i think i will be done now bc im sleepy and u probably don't want me to go down the rabbit hole of explaining all their lore bc that will take many days and probably fill a couple novels (/ex) but i love talking abt this dude so if u ever want to hear more just say the word !! i am hoping desperately that this post is coherent bc im writing this at 2am and my brain is not quite running at full capacity FGHJHGF

tl;dr - onyx is a polyam alloaro w a complicated relationship to ...... relationships , but they're working stuff out and getting better at dealing with the difficulties they face !!

[fleshblueberry]

Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored

Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality

I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-

When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)

Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.

now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-

Jam out!

... I don't even know what to say to this

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[wickymicky]

i got tagged by @chuukitten like a month ago lmao oops

rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people (im too lazy lol im sorry i just like to talk about myself so thats what im gonna do HAHA)

im gonna put this under a read more cause it got long

1. nickname: my bf calls me cube

2. zodiac: i dont do zodiac shit lol sorry

3. height: i dont actually know, im bad with remembering things like that

4. hogwarts house: the “fuck jk rowling” house (okay fine im hufflepuff)

5. last thing i googled: farmersonly… dont worry about it

6. favorite musicians: i mean yall know my kpop ones haha… loona, dreamcatcher, fromis 9, pentagon, exid, red velvet, twice, eyedi, weki meki, etc……. outside of kpop oh man where do i begin… its tough cause ive basically only listened to kpop in 2019 but okay so i’d say the band idles, death grips, grimes, streetlight manifesto, huh idk i have a lot that i like but i dont know who else i would consider my “favorites” at the moment

7. song stuck in my head: right now its pirate king by ateez

8. following: 1800 lol

9. followers: on this blog 264, but 724 on my main

10. do you get asks: occasionally

11. amount of sleep: i should sleep way, way more than i do

12. what are you wearing: pajamas

13. dream job: hmmm. i mean i dont dream of working, i dont have a dream “job”, but if the question is about my dream “thing i wanna do a lot of in my life” then i guess my answer is… idk… something where i can just engage in whatever is interesting to me at the moment. like in the vein of my tumblr blogs where i can just post and talk about stuff im interested in. idk if that means being a youtuber or journalist or just someone who does something else and engages in my interests as a hobby, but yeah. or something to do with linguistics of course. though like i dont wanna be a teacher and thats basically the only path lmao (that i would even consider, anyway)

14. dream trip: you know i dont actually have a lot of interest in travel. idk, it stresses me out. i cant think about going places without worrying about how i’ll get around, what i’ll be doing, what i’ll be able to eat since i have a lot of food anxieties… idk. if someone i love wanted to go on a trip with me i’d probably be down, but i dont really know on my own.

15. instruments: i wish i could do music lol

16. languages: are amazing and i love them. okay fine lol i only speak english, but i took german in middle and high school, i took latin in high school as well, then took latin and ancient greek in college, and then after college i did a lot of looking into hungarian, vietnamese, a little bit of indonesian, turkish, and polish, and then recently i’ve been pretty focused on korean for obvious reasons. i speak none of those languages tho, lol. if i heard someone speaking some of those i could get the gist of what types of things theyre talking about most likely, but honestly my whole thing with languages is that im more interested in learning about the intricacies of how languages work and especially how they change over time than i am in actually learning the language. i’d love if my dumb adhd brain allowed me to focus hard enough and really commit to becoming fluent in a second language because so far i’ve only steadily approached being barely conversational, i’ve never actually reached even that point yet lol. and being only fluent in english makes me feel like a stupid american lol. i pick up bits of language really easily, but the rigor of learning ALL the vocab and ALL the little details you need to become actually fluent is where i fall off. 

like whenever i go through an anime phase, i pick up lots and lots of japanese. like if they keep using a word i’ll see it in the subtitles and figure that it must mean that, and then i’ll pay attention to the endings they use and how they inflect it and i’ll make little inferences about what those signify, so then when i hear a word that i dont recognize but it has a grammatical ending that i know, i can infer the meaning of the word from context, and im going through this same learning process with korean now and it’s super super fun and i’m loving how much progress ive made (though i could have been making progress like three times as fast if i was actually taking a korean class)… but the actual work of learning common phrases, learning the sheer volume of vocab, all that stuff… yeah that’s where i fall off. so idk how fluent i’ll get in korean, but i’m down to find out, lol. maybe this is the one i’ll really try to focus on and achieve it with!

17. 10 favorite songs as of now: of all time????? um okay i cant possibly do that without spending a looong time thinking about it, so i’ll just do the first ten songs that come to my mind when i think of songs that i adore more than most others

keep the streets empty for me by fever ray

colossus by idles

watch it crash by streetlight manifesto

lucky girl by fazerdaze

realiti (demo) by grimes

egoist by loona (olivia hye)

picky picky by weki meki

mother by idles

peekaboo by red velvet

hi high by loona

18. if you were an animal: red panda maybe haha

19. favorite food: pizza cause im a garbage trash person

20. random fact: idk... if yall couldnt tell and didnt already know this, i’m a linguist haha. i went to school for linguistics, i majored in linguistics and classics (latin, ancient greek, etc) though honestly i was only into the languages, roman and greek history is cool and all but not really what i’m most into. majoring in classics was a mistake lol but oh well. i didnt end up graduating though because of unrelated reasons.... adhd, depression, just a general sense that the way the whole system works just wasnt made for me and it didnt click with me and ive never been good at forcing myself to be good at school... and like i was tired of hearing from professors that i have “a very organized mind when it comes to linguistics stuff” (something a greek professor said that meant a lot to me) or that i “understand how language works better than most other students my age” and that im a natural and that its impressive how nuanced my understanding of these concepts is.... while also failing or almost failing all of the classes whose professors said that about me. like basically all those statements were followed by a “, but” or a “, so if you just-”.... sigh. so i guess i’m not “actually” a linguist. whatever “actually” means there. 

so other random fact i guess, which is still related but anyway... i have a conlang! that’s a constructed language. ive been working on a language for like 6 or 7 years. its at a state right now where it’s not really something i can just like... speak? it was at one point, maybe. but basically what i like to do is try out various ideas i have about language and phonology and morphology, so my language is kind of like a sandbox lol. if youre a scientist you conduct experiments, if youre a linguist i think you should try making a conlang. its not a common hobby but its something i spend an unconscionable amount of time thinking about lol. like basically 24/7. i’m almost always thinking about my word for x thing im seeing or thinking about, or like some sound change i heard that some language had, and how that would sound if applied to the words in my language... 

like the reason my language isnt at a point right now where i can speak it is because getting into korean has made me think about massively reconfiguring how the grammar works. its always been kinda like latin and german, cause those are what i was taking when i started, and then it got kinda like ancient greek, so the grammar has/had a lot of complicated conjugations that are just honestly so superfluous... its such a mess lol... i have a much better understanding of how those systems come about in language now, so even if i remake my language to have verb conjugations like latin or greek, it’d be a much more coherent and natural system than the one thats existed in my language for years... but after learning about hungarian and korean in particular, i really wanna try making it a lot more logical like those languages are. but my big thing is phonology (speech sounds), so i just get hung up on sound changes and cool new consonants and vowels to add, so i keep putting off actually fixing my language lol. also ive become attached to my awful, amateurish words haha. im so bad at this... a real conlanger like tolkien or the dude who made the languages for game of thrones would look at mine and scoff haha. most of my words are just straight up stolen from words in latin, german, many others, but predominantly... english. i just mangle english words and call it my own lol, and ive been trying to replace those words with original ones that i made up arbitrarily... like my word for nose is just “nass” and my word for dog is “handir” which is just based on english “hound” and german “Hund” and stuff lol. i wanna change those

21. my aesthetic: if you actually read this long ass post, you know that my aesthetic is just “too much information” but not in a sexy way or even an interesting way

[actualbird]

ummmm its not That Personal but like uh. u write a lot, like a lot and i notice that ur also. depressed? and im depressed too and i like to write but i just cant figure out how to like. sit and write for a while. actually get something done idk if thats something u have any advice for i would Appreciate It

oh! okay well. hum. i have to admit that most of my writing habits that push me to do stuff like write 7k words in a day are actually p…unhealthy? to the self? so i’ll skip over those and give u stuff i do that isnt Bad because my god, we gotta look out for each other:

the absolute beginning of writing a piece starts with ideas and concepts, and i have a google doc filled with bullet points of ideas. this doesnt really have anything to do with the Sitting Down And Writing Bit, but it’s super helpful for when you’re in a funk. just. any idea you think of, no matter how dumb, jot it down. in my bmc idea list i have a bullet point that’s just “they are spies” and another thats even dumber that just says “anti-anxiety rice”. these reservoirs of silly ideas help me out a bunch.

this is something that really depends on you, bc people have differing opinions on this, but i write outlines!!! and it’s something that i find very helpful. i was basically trained to outline everything throughout high school, to the point that i cant even write a 500 word essay without one. outlines differ for everybody, but i find that it’s most helpful for me to write out 1) important details (ex. in my latest fic, i listed down all the dragon characteristics i wanted to give michael) and 2) all the main scenes (ex. in my latest fic, i wrote one sentence for each of the eight main scenes). outlines are really good because you’re getting your ideas out in a tangible form that starts to take shape, but it’s not the Heavy Stuff Just Yet. it’s a nice way to ease yourself into the writing mood, and it’s godsend for when youre already writing because, once youve got all your ideas and plot points out, all you have to do is write the words.

of course, that’s kinda the hardest part HAHA. sitting down and Doing The Thing is a chore hhhhhh. but practice helps you get through it easier and easier each time, i guess. 4 years ago i was writing tiny fics that were barely 1k long and took me a week to write. now i am here. it’s cliche advice everybody gets, but it’s because it’s Real: practice. practice. practice. depression is a big heavy sludge that stops you from doing everything, but if you make something a habit, it tends to become muscle memory. if you can, try to write something everyday. it doesnt have to be big! just a sentence or two. even just a few ideas. just write something. then keep on working your way up. when youre confident with the daily habit, maybe set a wordcount goal. like 100 words a day. or maybe 500 a week (that was my goal back when i had class. it’s a nice, lax goal that doesnt feel too daunting but still gets stuff done!) start small and work your way up!! as somebody who marathon writes shitloads of words in a day, it’s draining. setting a schedule with smaller, broken down increments is much, much better. 

my laptop is Really Weird And Probably A Bootleg, so i dont have msword or any word processor that can count words correctly sdhfkjsdhf. so i write on google docs and i use wordcounter.net . wordcounter is a really useful site for me because not only does it display your wordcount WAY HUGER THAN MS WORD WOULD, thus kinda putting it Out There how much youve got written, but it’s also got cool stuff like reading time and reading level and word density (word density saves my life every fic. it makes sure i dont make characters fukn shrug all the time lmao)

my kamikaze mode, aka what i do when i start and finish writing the bulk of a fic or a chapter in one day, goes a little bit like this: heavy breakfast. write write write. more food. write write write. nap. food. write write write. +various twenty minute breaks in between all the writing. frankly, i dont know how i do this because it passes mostly in a haze, but breaks are!!!! important!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot stress this enough. your eyes are gonna hurt like hell after staring at a screen for hours. your WRISTS are gonna ache. your neck!! your butt!!! if you dont take a break, u will turn into a gargoyle!!! trust me, okay, ive already turned into one once. wasnt great. drink water and stretch and walk around. if you dont wanna separate from ur laptop, at least stop writing and look at memes or read over what u have so far.

when youre actually writing, my philosophy is Never Edit. misspelled a word? mark with an asterisk and come back later. forgot a word? mark it with an asterisk and come back later. transition is wonky? dont fix it, keep writing. mark it with an asterisk and come back later. editing is important, but when youre in the Writing Groove is not to the time to do it. more often than not, editing becomes an excuse that hinders your wordcount progress under the thin veil of “hmmmm this could be better.” it sure could! but fix it later. when im writing, my only goal is to get it done. everything else comes later, because at least by that point, i have a full piece to fix instead of a scene i keep reworking over and over again. the momentum that results from this is Powerful and not even the Depression Sludge Monster That Lives On A Couch In My Brain can defeat it. get fucked DSMTLOACINB!!!!

this is barely coherent, but it’s all ive really got to say….all of this is completely subjective, and what works for me will not work for everybody else, but this is how do stuff. depression is an awful piece of fuck and it sucks so bad and im so sorry youve gotta deal with it, but yo, working past it is possible!! it’s hard, but it’s possible.

i hope you have a great day anon. kick depression in the nuts with ur kickass writing. 

[glitteryhottubavenue]

With a name like that

who knows what kind of people will be drawn to it

what’s in a name

nope.

I cross my legs alot. I think to keep myself warm but also I’ve been trying to notice it more and then I’ll put my legs on the ground in a manspread kind of way. I hope I hold correct posture. 

What is it about the energy between two people. Why can’t I control my face?

I am working on being present in the moment but for the moment I am working presently. hmmm that can be worked on

writing without a censor is hard

I kind of want to write about my day and then it comes out all different than what I had intended. Like do I keep typos? do I not have to follow proper sentence form and structure or even a coherent thought halfway through

can I just write the same thing

can I just write the same thing

Can I just Write the Same Thing

I guess not

I like the power of threes. I wish I was more assured about what I knew about how to create theatre. Like can I write a book about what I’ve learned about story telling from a sound designers point of view.

I guess I could. That would be interesting. To about.00002% of the American population but hey at least it would be relevant.

I have a tattoo from a tennessee williams festival

I also have a tattoo from a split second decision that is a comedy and tradgedy masks, sock and buskin, but with pumpkins as faces. It’s my first colored tattoo and I’m pretty proud of it. It’s cute and makes me laugh.

When I think about how I was raised on Pokemon it is no wonder that I like to travel. Although are my shows like collecting pokemon or is it like the knowledge is pokemon and my shows are the battles that get me to higher levels.

I guess that’s how life works.

 William Burroughs and the cut up method constantly tickle my brain. What did he actually get famous for and where did his money come from?

self edititng self edititing self editing editing 

just keep writing until the spell check doesn’t correct you and then you know you’ll have passed

my brain is being funny tonight I guess it’s a funny night

It has been a pretty good day overall though. I felt the most confident practicing with JJ and saying hey. I don’t know why I have to keep them at an arms length though. It’s like they have too much attention or affection or just doting presence that I’m like dude just chill and thank you I like hanging with you too but yikes I’m not ready for that much. And it’s not to say that I don’t appreciate them because I do and I recognize and honor that they have been an integral part of me growing as an artist but if I’m honest with myself I have to take them in doses. Today felt nice though.

The show felt better. I feel like I can do this. I WILL DO THIS FUCK THAT I WILL DO THIS AND IT WILL ROCK!!!

I mean if the actors keep giving me the material to work with then I will gladly take what their character thinks. My design it to grow with the show. Being present is helping I feel it. I would like to womanifest a fantastic show and the confidence, strength, stamina, will power, and humor with which to execute the piece. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

And I can womanifest a career in animation. I would really like to voice and write possibly for an animation. And get my shit together musically. I can do this I can do this. I at least have the opportunity with JJ, and the show. I’m excited but something else is telling me to keep pushing for more. I mean I’ve made it to the next level and now need to work for a hot second where I’m at if I want to continue to grow with it. I should probably pick up the Artists way again especially if I keep writing the daily pages. I should set aside time in the morning to do this because it does feel like at the very least good for exercising my hands, vocabulary, spelling, and recount of the day. 

go get em go get em go get em go get him geit gemti gemigemitem

trying out beats on a keyboard is fun.

I NEED TO MEMORIZE A BEAT FROM A PLASTIC DRUM AND INCORPORATE IT INTO THE SHOW SOMEHOW

Guitar?

He sings, can he give me an example of his work?

What has he sung?

Has he gotten back to me?

What is his style like I wonder.

I guess I’ll find out.

And I shouldn’t act defeated when we first meet. He doesn’t know me so I can be full of tricks to him. Lets have an initial convo about where we are musically and then figure out the best solution as to how we pair this. Take his lead. Your major ideas are, finding a beat for him, using plastic gallon drums, sax (but need to source so don’t count on it, michael suggested harmonica but that is definetely not a sound that I heard in NOLA so I don’t think that would be good.) My friend has a pocket trumpet I could maybe borrow would When the saints be a good number to play I wonder. I should ask J  anyway if he wouldn’t mind letting me borrow it. to see if I could at least try to learn it. I manifest the trumpet from J.

Everyone in my life is named J ok

once twice three times a lady

frice fifece sice times a man

what?

there has been a lot of discussion about the gender movement. I had to respell that 3 times. HMMM gender queer

what the fuck does that even mean

Why do I feel like being detached made me lose some level of understanding the details of things.

Maybe most of my memory exists in my muscles. Too many years of field hockey practice. At least I was a goalie and got to stand up

God damn those days. What fucking Days

Shit

Speaking of, I threw up my entire guts over the course of 8 hours just 4 days ago and now I feel better so I hope that lasts but what the fuck menstrual cycle.

What.the.actual.fuck.

Does that happen as you grow older or does it just happen to people when they’re dehydrated.

Ok why haven’t the transmen raised any kind of fuss about men with periods. 

Why aren’t the transmen held up as much as trasnwomen. I mean all politics aside I feel like I can rattle off the name of 3 trasnwomen that are household names but only because I’ve been deep in lgbt culture especially in womyn’s culture I can think of names of transmen. I guess entertainment and mainstream isnt everything but I think about it because I can’t seem to decide if I want to go ahead and move forward with that decision myself. It’s just so time consuming and money sucking that I’d rather just diet and be gay but damn Ive gotten so attracted to people that I know would date me if I was a guy. I think that phase is done now and I’m starting to come into my own though and through being observant and open am learning so much more about what people I’m attracted to want and how I can fulfil that and also my own needs...selfish? I guess, I’ve never claimed otherwise.... That will probably cost me brownie points somewhere down the line of life but we’ll see. 

I do enjoy being on my own and my life just sets me up with little pockets of people to learn over time. I can take my time with this show because we’re going to be together for a good long time. 

And its TW so yay.