#this w the women want me fish fear me hat

[junietuesday]

is this anything

[moth--knight]

the collection has grown :3

[monocaelia]

childe and i would get along because my favorite mini game in any game that has it is fishing

[fillsta]

Les Amis & Co: Beach Day Edition

Because it's summer and I had to

Enjolras:

My guy, he's so pale he needs an entire bottle of sunscreen to not get sunburnt. And he really doesn't care, everyone is after his ass holding the sunscreen, trying to 'at least cover his back because he'll be looking like a blonde strawberry by the end of the day'. Brings only a towel and his wallet or sth. Wears his swimsuit, flip flops and a t-shirt.

Combeferre

The dad of the group. Makes sure everyone has sunscreen on amd everything they need and you can hear him yelling "DON'T FORGET YOUR HATS" every hour or so. With every opportunity he gets, he's dropping random facts about the sand, the sea, the random crab grantaire just found etc etc. 80% of the time he's reading a book in his lil beach recliner chair. Brings an entire backpack filled with everything anyone could possibly need at the beach. Same kinda outfit w enj's, just with sneakers (bc he's driving everyone there) + a nice hat

Courfeyrac

He cannot put his ass down. Homeboy is always hyping someone up to play games. Beach rackets, volleyball, whatever. He and Gavroche sre having a BLAST. Nags to Combeferre about having to wear his hat the entire time. Brings a small bag w his stuff + another one filled with beach balls, rackets etc. Swimsuit + unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and a funky bucket hat

Grantaire

Vibes around drinking beer. The type of friend to splash water on everyone while they're trying to get into the water (particularly Enjolras). Goes looking for random shit on the rocks. Brings a fanny pack for his phone and cigarettes. Towel?? Don't know her. Shows up only in a swimsuit and at some points, he takes it off for shits and giggles

Bahorel

Have you ever been to the beach near a cliff side and there's this one mf who climbs on top of the cliff to perform an epic 11 meter backflip into the water? Yeah that's Bahorel. Bitch just goes around looking for ways to possibly get hurt. He doesn't. Deffo has a paddle board. Gets a crazy ass tan. Brings only the bag for the board and puts the rest of his stuff in there. Wears one of these shitty low armpit shirts. And a 'women want me fish fear me' baseball cap

Feuilly

He be taking beach day seriously. Brings snacks for everyone, randomly pulls out a sketchbook at some point. Gets excited over cool rocks and spends more time than necessary on making a sandcastle. Cannot go into the water on his own, at least one of his friends have to be swimming as well. His back is red asf at the end of the day. Hawaiian shirt but buttoned up. Carries an extra tiny bag for his book and sketchbook.

Bossuet

Somehow, he'll find a way to get stung by a jellyfish (and grantaire will almost immediately offer to pee on him). If not, he steps on a sea urchin. Or gets his leg scratched on a rock. But still he manages to have fun. In charge of the aux chord. Is extremely annoyed by grantaire and his splashes. A standard bag, has a t-shirt on but it obviously falls into the water by accident so he has to be shirtless on the way home (Musichetta and Joly don't mind at all). Lost his hat :(

Joly

Speaking of joly, mf's crazy over sunscreen. At least 3 times a day, they apply a new coat, hydrate every 10 minutes and will not let ANYONE go into the water if they've eaten anything, not after at least 2 hours pass by. Pull up wearing a speedo, jorts and a short sleeved button up. Amd a big ass hat. Huge af beach bag.

Jehan

It's their time to shine. They spend most of the time posing for pics but at the same time they're kinda shy abt it. Went into the water like once. One of these 'beach please bags'. They're wearing a flowy summer dress and like swimming shorts and a bikini top kinda thing. Staw hat person

Marius

He's dying inside. Bro's under the umbrella, watching everything, hoping time will eventually come for them to go home. Courf tries to get him into the water and he succeeds. Unfortunately, les amis do not let him go, they force him to be a part of the summer fun and at some point, he starts enjoying himself. Gets sunburnt. Bro shows up in jorts snd a polo t-shirt and changes into his swimsuit there (also he's definitely one of those guys who keep their underwear underneath). Unironically wears a fedora hat. Carries 26383 bags + Cosette's bc he's a gentleman above everything.

Cosette

Photographer of the group. Takes pictures of everything and everyone. Also takes videos of the stupid shit grantaire does and makes sure they o over to the gc immediately. Provides everyone with data, she's the hotspot friend. Jehan is her main model. Tries getting a tan, fails. Short flower dress over her black bikini and sandals. Matching straw hats w jehan.

Eponine

Omg sis has 2 siblings to take care of. Runs after Gavroche and Azelma all the time to keep them from doing stupid shit. She and bahorel do swimming competitions. Has like a big ass water bottle (joly approved) because she always gets dehydrated. And Gab and Azelma never drink water, ever. Doesn't go for a tan, still gets a great one. Old crusty bikini and just jean shorts over it. She'd like to go topless but isn't all for it yet. Has to carry her siblings stuff as well.

Musichetta

Ok sis is a great swimmer. She's in the water 24/7 vibin, swimming, playing games. No-one can get her out of there. She doesn't really eat much but if. There's any juice, she is drinking it all up. She loves her beach juice time okay? One piece swimsuit and a see-through coverup tied around her waist. Just a small beach bag is okay for her

Gavroche

As soon as they arrive, lil bro's in the water playing already. Then he pulls out water guns and declares war on everyone. Annoying little shit, but they all love him so much. Courf keeps him occupied by playing with him all the time. No one complains. Eats all of Feuilly's snacks. Begs Eponine to let him do stupid shit with bahorel. She does NOT give in, so he just finds a small rock to jump off of into the water nearby. Creeper swimsuit.

Azelma

Quieter than her brother but she follows along. Hellps Feuilly w his castle. Keeps Marius company when she's not in the water. Cosette asked her if she wanted her pics taken and she was ECSTATIC. Flowy dress and a flower pattern one piece underneath.

Bonus Montparnasse:

Floatie guy. Bro has like an inflatable donut and once it's in the water, he's off. Falls asleep on it and someone was to swim like a mile away to bring him back. Brings very few stuff with him. Like grantaire, just a swimsuit is fine

[hesitationss]

as per LRB part of the reason why i knew i was gay was because when women would look at my boobs it felt good like wow "women want me fish fear me" hat basically. when cis men do it i'm like "pls get a job or something it makes me so uncomfortable" ajsjfjgjjska but a woman's and other queer and trans person's desire is the most beautiful thing to me esp when it's directed at me and also makes me feel good in return. like i had this one friend who I'm not friends w anymore but constantly they would tell me i had a really nice body and i was always like (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ😚👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

[sillyguyhotline]

i went wandering in the woods w my friend for a few hours and he showed up in a fucking “women want me fish fear me” hat

[lesbianlenas]

look at the shirt my friend got me for my bday i’m 😩

[the-meme-monarch]

in the fishing art cap’n looks so bald without his headphones i’m sorry 💔💔 funnily enough i just went fishing this morning so now i was fishing with them in spirit…

it also does not help that he's wearing a forward facing hat instead of backwards (bc I wanted to have him w the 'women want me fish fear me' hat) it makes him even balder

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x6 thoughts

I felt like the physical embodiment of a series of iconic reaction GIFs while watching this episode. I felt like Higgins gagging on air and right and wrong choices. As an invested, non-casual Ted Lasso viewer, I feel quite absorbed in the experience of every episode, but I’m not usually a LOUD non-casual Ted Lasso viewer. At one point last night, I shouted “This is the wackiest show ever made!” at @bristler, and that doesn’t even sound like something I would say. And by “wacky” I just meant “all the emotions are happening at once.”

This episode was absolutely great and I knew that every single Rebecca Welton feeling I have would intensify because of this episode and that is exactly what happened.

This is me bravely writing down my episode thoughts after only one viewing (just like last week) and a bad night of sleep! Copious spoilers and emotions ahead...

This show goes all in on hats! A lot of bad hats for giving bad relationship advice and making bad decisions! Feel like you’re gonna do something correctly? Just put on a bad hat, that’ll snap you right out of it. Just had a revelation that you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship? Your girlfriend is hiding in the parking lot with a terrible hat for you! (I love this show.)

Dark forest dark forest dark forest dark forest.

I truly, truly, truly do not mean this to sound judgmental of any other fan, but it’s taking everything in my power not to just type “dark forest” in the comments of every person who is outraged that LDN152 is not Ted.

Gonna get my initial thoughts on the Sam=LDN152 reveal out of the way. I honestly like this choice.

First, I like this choice because of who LDN152 isn’t. I think about how awful it would be if she’d matched with Rupert and realized she’d been manipulated by him and charmed by him all over again, and how, when she gets the same reveal the audience already has, she would end up retraumatized by having been charmed and taken in by Rupert all over again. I think about her matching with Nate (if he’d redownloaded the app) and the inadequacy of her assertiveness advice and how Nate is one of the only non-Rupert characters who’s used sexist language against her and how Nate’s insecurities would be like water trying to co-exist with the oil of Rebecca’s insecurities. Nate and Rebecca are fond of each other and seem to want to be in each other’s lives, but a romantic squishing together via dating app would set them both back lightyears. I think about her matching with Ted, a man currently on a parallel-to-Rebecca trek through a very painfully dark forest, a man swinging wildly between performative attempted wit and utter panic. A man she trusts with her professional and personal challenges. [Her challenging mother comes to town and Keeley and Ted are the people she wants with her at lunch.] Ted and Rebecca, with all their current limitations, and with all the ways the forest obscures the view, are trying to be there for each other in their real, non-romantic comedy versions of their lives, and the discomfort of matching on an app seems like the kind of thing that would make them rear back from each other instead of bringing them even closer together. It is not time. It is so profoundly not time that I would have been furious if the writers had continued the “maybe it’s Ted?” line of thought for another second longer than they did.

Second, I like this choice because of who Sam is. I know. He’s not an appropriate match for her. The power dynamics are all messed up and their ages are all wrong. But this does introduce a potentially interesting parallel between Rupert and his younger women and the scrutiny Rebecca would risk herself and Sam experiencing if she goes for it. Rebecca seems to have tried to put away her Rupert-related trauma, but the specter of Rupert is lurking, and I do see that being a good person making an ethically complicated decision with another good person is very different from being an abuser setting out to take advantage of multiple people...but there are parallels she might have to reckon with. Also, Sam is a kind person with a strong ethical center and a well-documented interest in Rebecca. He and Ted helped each other feel more at home in London during a time of deeply missing other homes, and Sam has internalized a lot of Ted’s ways of living in a way that might genuinely appeal to Rebecca even if she doesn’t fully realize why. The writers on this show don’t write messes for the sake of drama. They write messes because life is painful and complicated and also very funny. I’d be shocked if, however this Bantr thing plays out, it isn’t painful and complicated and also funny.

(I am already a little worried that whatever happens next is going to activate some very ironic fan reactions given this is a show whose thesis statement is about withholding judgment. This fear is based not on Ted Lasso-specific knowledge but on unfortunate patterns of fandom, but...you can fear the impact of racist, sexist, and ageist tropes on two beloved characters without embodying those tropes as a viewer. You can watch characters make decisions that could subject them to harmful scrutiny without performing that harm yourself.)

Ted Lasso is a fictional character who tweeted about the joy of eating out (you know...at the Crown and Anchor) the day before 2x6 launched and during 2x6 Rebecca invited him to eat out at the Crown and Anchor. (I love this show.) I am so, so, so fond of all the little lunch-y things in this episode. Ted can’t bring Henry his lunch because he’s “at work” aka living in London. Ted and Beard surprise each other with secret sandwiches on Fridays. Rebecca is overwhelmed by her mother’s visit (her mother’s performance of a harmful pattern) and wants Keeley and Ted there. The scene at the Crown and Anchor, as painful as all the divorce/separation feelings were, was also so homey and lovely in terms of these characters being friends, being at home in a place despite the very not-at-home feelings emanating from Deborah. The Bake-Off viewing! Ted being the designated driver (probably a good thing on this particular day)! Rebecca feeling discomfort but not shutting down! Also cute British pub feelings. Evidence that Rebecca has talked to her mom about Ted! About personal things about Ted!

Naaaaaaate. His bursts of confidence and insight. The pain and insecurity and anger almost literally bubbling under the surface.

I cannot say enough good things about Higgins. He’s grown so much, and his decision to be honest with Beard regarding his concerns about Jane was absolutely impeccably done. Many, many trusted people in Higgins’ life told him not to do it. They are all good people, and they were all wrong. Sometimes one human being’s honesty makes the difference for someone who is struggling, and that’s exactly what happened here. Beard truly heard Higgins. And of course he didn’t immediately break things off with Jane. But he heard Higgins, and when Jane showed up Beard’s face looked different than it ever has, and Higgins words are with him as he walks off into the night with Jane and that might save him. And Rebecca witnessed it.

And I’m so glad she witnessed Higgins’ choice in the midst of this very difficult experience of a) trying to find Ted because she knows he’s in pain and being unable to and b) watching her mother repeat a pattern that Rebecca herself was able to break. It taught me so much about Rebecca. The way she was punished (and described the experience using the language of punishment) for having an honest reaction to her mother’s decision to leave her father the first time. The way she was taught that love is conditional, that love and reconciliation are things you can purchase with gifts. The way her mother uses the language of self-help without internalizing what it would take to heal, and probably has little use for actual therapy. The way her mother drinks alcohol as a way to feel free.

I don’t even know how to think, much less write, about everything with Roy’s coaching and his image and how Ted feels about it and all the fatherhood things Jamie brings up and all the fatherhood things Ted is missing w/r/t Nate and everyone except for Rebecca taking at face value (or willfully deciding to take at face value) the idea that Ted’s panic attack is actually just him needing to go barf up a fish pie. Ted hugging his backpack in Sharon’s office. Rebecca trying to find him, and Sharon being the one who does. The words “I wanna make an appointment” being the words that conclude the episode at the exact midpoint of the planned-for show. Halfway through the middle season. The moment Ted realizes he’s never going to be okay if he doesn’t give therapy a try.

I also can’t say enough good things about the moment with the team and Sharon, the way she agrees to one drink, the way it’s clear that she adores them all. Sharon is exacting and professional without being cold and calculating, and everything she does in this episode is such a gorgeous model of assertiveness, patience, and moderation...three things Ted struggles with the most.

What a dark forest. What an excellent group of humans.

[lefttigerobservation]

killing eve 4x03, part three here we go again.

gets nervous seeing the villaneve panel.

VILLANELLE BABY WHAT ARE YOU DOING. ohhhhh shit the character titles are back. this gives me s2 separated apartment vibes.

the blood soaked clothes??? so they really do share a braincell.

why does eve love these fish so much....... beloved but why. "Oh." BAHA EVE love how she just refuses to question. she looks so amused lmao,,,,, "why don't you ask jesus" i Love them. i Love them. SHE JUST UNDRESSES?? this is such them behaviour i love them,,,, she's just ignoring her. oof. OOF. money??

she looks so shaken what HAPPENED to them my word

"not my job" Babe. are we sure

i love how she absolutely doesn't care about the logistics & wants to just be her adventurous self. Why is eve wearing the hat. love her

THEY'RE DOING ROCK PAPER SCISSORS???? AND SHE IS SO FUCKING DEVOTED BAHA I LOVE THEM FOR THIS

will admit yusuf is a weird ass character but i love his supportive informative himbo vibes.

pam....... is so morbid. i feel mildly blegh but this always happens to me w visual media, somehow i can do it irl?? / i do not envy her position though :[

nobody else "claimed".....? carolyn is so very dedicated i can tell what Game this is.

VILLANELLE??? HONEY? did we not talk about the manhandling. she's so very chaotic & this poor man.

"i don't like the way i feel"; like shit. all of the time. i'm not surprised whatsoever. whatsoEVER

IT'S FUCKING...... i thought it was hugo. EVE SAID GIRLFRIEND????? BABE. YES. YES. aw..... wait solidarity. solidarityyyy

eve is at her hijinks again, next thing she'll introduce herself as tallulah.

will note i am worried about funeral home guy and pam. OH SO SHE'S HIS SISTER. OH NOOOOOOOOOO. i'm Worried. the cinematography...

NICOLE?? okay. mysterious; FRENCH. oh she's gonna get her drunk. HELENE BELOVED. pam is like her sidekick but she's very jittery & Oh Pam We're In It Now.

genuinely i'm so sorry for pam,?,,?,,,, is she just gonna become or be reduced to the very same shadow girl that "intrigued helene"?

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME. THAT SHE'S DESCRIBING VILLANELLE?? AS HER GIRLFRIEND?? the unloved song. omW

presumably common for you. keen observation. a rainbow in beige boots indeed! she's utterly lost; mid metamorphosis. what a bizarre comparison.

carolyn........ worry. whenever these close-up shots happen i wonder intensely. i will say the timeline is so odd i'm a lil fearful.

ELLIOT. ELLIOT. ELLIOT >:[

so this is a pattern for the twelve ladies. married women; oh she didn't know his job...... CUBA. CUBA,,,

eve this is such a shot. such a OH VILLANELLE IS THERE?? i'm worried.

villanelle eating at people's places always amused me. IBS?? HEY DUDE HIGH FIVE.

she clearly doesn't love the word psychopath. also yeah questions huh,,, she's the First to not want to be a psychopath? hopeful inDeed.

IT'S ELLIOT?? oh she is running. running. she's smiling? worrying. the arm grip........ oh this closeup worries me. worries me.

MERDE INDEED!!

why does konstantin love life idk if this is even a bad sign or not. who's gonna show up now. the sausage jokes will kill me in one hit.

good for carolyn to know languages! good for them all tbh.

the gut punch to yusuf & their chaos. she's so impatient lollll.

vlad & carolyn definitely have a Thing going on that used to happen,,, and also CUBA. CUBA??

a Colleague called to leave her Number? oooooh. ooh. am loving how eve actively seeks her out anyway. ENOUGH YES

oh yes she Could Have Killed Eve. why are they chilling in sunchairs like this. "yes she's ruined everything." BABE. she wants to have a mundane life w her am sobbing. eve's not beige,,,,, what a sentence.

SHE'S SO TRYING TO REASON W HER OMW. SHE'S SO DONE.

OH HALLELUJAH HE ISN'T DEAD. exactly where's the logic eve she needed attention /j

poor martin honestly,,,,,, they just Leave him there???? pained??? i'm using so much punctuation i'm not even sorry.

scorpion n frog & the hand omw............ oh. oh. she's Noticing. OH NOOOOO. SHE,,?,??,,,, no,,,, eve. eve i'm so upset. the power she holds now though is quite obvious. despite the fact she's literally sitting down. villanelle looks absolutely betrayed & i'm waiting for the look on eve's face to morph..... there we go.

oh Helene And Konstantin. they're buddies??

PLEASE DON'T MAKE EVE AND HELENE A THING I'M BEGGING.

i'm so upset about villanelle,,,, this had better pay off. you can't tell me that she always thought she "should've done this when we first met" like You Mean To Tell Me.

sighs indeed.

>>>

oh VILANELLE AND CAROLYN.

[needyounow-love]

Imagine giving diavolo a favorite hat of yours that you always wear, like that "women want me, fish fear me" hat and he wears it e v e r y w h e r e after you leave for the human realm. Just, prince of devildom, gold everything, the finest of suits, and a raty old baseball cap.

He would wear it even when he finally sees his dad after millennia and the devil wouldn't even be surprised lol

[hlfalives]

💀 * [ avan jogia + demiboy + he/they ] —— have you met salem kothari? they are a twenty-six year old senior currently studying criminology. they live on keating house, and word around campus is that this leo is passionate + charismatic, as well as impulsive + obsessive. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. a lone mattress in an empty apartment, salt-water taffy and binging true crime documentaries. [ ooc: opossum. 18. she/they & est. ]

          — i’m back AGAIN w another muse. this is salem and he’s 100% the best. he’s a goober. but without further ado, lemme tell u about them. he’s still a wip bc i made him on a whim, but this is the bare bones. also this is shitty bc i’m Tired and don’t know how 2 write

          TW; parental death, eating disorder, depression

𝐵  𝐴  𝑆  𝐼  𝐶   ╱  𝐹  𝐴  𝐶  𝑇  𝑆  

   𝗙𝗨𝗟𝗟  𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗘  :  salem jay kothari           𝗡𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗘𝗦  :  sully, sal, moth - man    𝗚𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥  :  demiboy         𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦  :  he / they                     𝗗𝗔𝗧𝗘  𝗢𝗙  𝗕𝗜𝗥𝗧𝗛  :  august 4th, 1995                  𝗛𝗘𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧  :  six foot and three inches                 𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬  :  pansexual / panromantic              𝗛𝗢𝗠𝗘  𝗧𝗢𝗪𝗡  :  fargo, north dakota

salem was raised by his grandmother due to his parents dying in a car accident pretty young. he didn’t get to know them, but he wishes he did. they were both detectives with a love for cold cases. his mother was a sucker for the salem witch trials; and thus that’s how salem got their name. 

from what he’s learned from his grandma, his parents were always on the move. living out of a backpack and traveling from place to place. they were private detectives that liked to deal with the supernatural ( think ed and lorraine warren ), and his grandmother has a lot of their creepy knick - knacks from their findings in her house

from a young age, salem loved to soak up knowledge. they loved reading every book their hands could get on, and watching crime docs or reading true crime books was how their days were spent.

salem was a very smart and bright kid, excelling greatly in his academics. he graduated high school with honours and as his classes valedictorian. it was very easy to like salem, pretty much everybody in the school was his friend. he was the kind of person you could easily strike up a conversation with while you sit together awkwardly in the library together, and he’d make you feel at ease because of that. we all knew that kind of kid in our school

despite being a great kid with tons of dreams, salem had their own demons. struggling with an eating disorder and a deep depression, salem honestly didn’t even think they’d make it to the end of high school. 

but their push was in their grandmother, and she was what gave salem the strength to keep going; especially when she started to get sicker. salem knew he had to get his shit together, it was like a slap in the face by reality.

and so salem strived and he strived for a scholarship here to holloway. his grandmother told him he could never do it, that it seemed insane to even try. but he got the scholarship, and with a little bit of money in his pocket, he resides in keating house. but he likes to bring joy to all of his dormmates and the entire campus. pushing his demons down and keeping that persona for the cameras.

 he had never been outside of fargo, and so leaving home was... super scary. it was more than scary, actually. downright terrifying. but his grandmother hushed him and held him, and told him she would always be with him. and she was always just a cellphone call away

salem owns a bunch of those weird baseball caps. like the ‘women want me, fish fear me’ ‘bigfoot is real and he tried to eat my ass’ ‘in dog years, i’m dead’ he LOVES collecting them. he’s got a hat for every occasion

speaking of bigfoot, salem is a hug believer in shit like that. aliens, cryptids, ghosts—EVERYTHING. moth - man is his boyfriend

he’s got the energy of shane madej from buzzfeed unsolved ( ahem where is his ryan bergara ??? )

he’s currently studying criminology and hopes to one day be a forensic science technician 

when the m*rders started happening here, salem took it upon himself to start investigating shit. he wants to get to the bottom of all of this and it just !! intrigues him so much. he hopes he can make his parents proud of him by showing interest in this kind of stuff

he has a bearded dragon named chibs, because he’s a sucker for sons of anarchy. they love that show so damn much

sends a lot of his money back home to his grandma, and works as a barista at the local coffee shop on his off - days

also likes to play volleyball in the warm seasons, and hockey in the cold seasons. can get a bit competitive if you play against him or with him. takes everything a little too seriously

LOVES to make impulse buys. that’s how he got all his damn baseball caps

travels across campus with his trusty skateboard, you can never ever see them without it tbh

[ookyspookybean]

I had a dream and I needed to tell someone: Marble Hornets au where everything is the same but Jay’s hat is a “Women want me, Fish fear me” hat

I FORGOT THIS WAS IN MY INBOX

Au where Jay is one of those white dudes on Instagram who takes pictures w/ fish in every post

[choisgirls]

Not Afraid of the Night { JuminxMC- Soulmate!AU }

Heya howdy doodle doo! I hope this is a-okay for y’all ^^ WORDS: 2,202 

Again, like JIHYUN’S, no keep reading because the format tends to mess up for mobile?

           "Assistant Kang, please book another appointment with my hair dresser," Jumin sighed into his intercom. He just had an appointment the other day, what is wrong with this person?

           A person's soulmate shares their hair colour when dye is used. Some soulmates just dye their hair a normal colour for a change, not much of a difference between the two of them, it works out. Perhaps that was the reason most people didn't meet the right one? Everyone was too alike in that way. Jumin would be fine with a nice, simple, normal hair colour if his soulmate were to choose it.

           Do they?

           The answer is no.

           He's constantly having to re-dye his hair to black to cover what his other half does to their hair. It's always a bright, crazy colour. He cannot tell you how many times he's had to dismiss meetings abruptly because his dark hair changed to a hot pink before everyone's eyes. How was he supposed to run his company when his clients cannot take him seriously with bright coloured hair? He can't. It's impossible for them to pay attention and for him to get anything done. Perhaps he should invest in hats instead? Oh, but wearing hats inside is disrespectful, hmm.

           He finds himself staring into the refection of his wine glass, his once dark hair now bright dyed green. The other day, it was a bright yellow, Yoosung told him he was jealous of the shade. The week before it was a bright white, which Zen was not happy about.

           "Are you trying to rival my beauty? It won't happen! A robotic CEO? As handsome as me? Not possible!" he had said in the chatroom, hogging the space, leaving no room for Jumin to reply how he dislikes it in the first place. What was going through this persons head? He'd like to analyze just what made them want to do such a ridiculous thing, so often. Don't they realize it can be really bad for their hair? Not to mention the fumes that must come off of the dyes...

           His day progressed- not falling short with the hushed whispers and secret glances as his new-found neon hair. No one dared to say anything loud enough for him to hear, and most certainly no one dared to confront him about it. The only person to have spoken a word was Assistant Kang, who simply called it "interesting" and went back to her work. Was it truly interesting? Maybe he just wasn't seeing what you were seeing in it?

           Meetings came and went, the day moved on to the next. He had dyed his hair back to black, thankfully, and was able to get some work done- no thanks to you. A week or so later, you had dyed your hair again, at least this time it was a nice darker auburn that didn't look too terribly bad on him. It was more natural, he could work with it. Then, it had stopped for a good few months. No weird colours, no colour change at all, in honesty. He took notice to his roots growing out, the dyed colour slowly fading back to his black.

           Perhaps you had given up? Maybe you  just no longer enjoyed the colours? Were you finally taking a break to take care of your hair? The more he thought about it, the more distracted he was from his work. Were you okay? Had something happened to you? Were you... still with him in this world? He hasn't been able to meet you, you couldn't leave him just yet..

           If you had asked the CEO in line a year or two ago if soulmates had existed, he would have genuinely laughed in your face. Jihyun had tried telling him that there was someone out there for him, specifically. He wasn't one to partake in expressing emotions in the first place- they took too much effort and he didn't see the point.

           He had spent so much time hating the idea of a spouse after seeing how quickly his father cycled through... success-driven women, putting it nicely. Not-so-nicely, he was horrified by all of the gold diggers constantly trying to get close to him. He didn't see the point in having relationships if people only wanted him for his money.

           Not only does that fear stop him, but he's been... struggling with another sort of emotion. His infatuation with Rika left him questioning himself. She was the one person he had felt feelings for, and she was with his best friend. She.. was never meant to be his. What if it ended up being the same for the two of you? What if he were to meet you, and it turns out you were someone else's? Or, even as soulmates, the two of you just.. didn't work out? What if his work got in the way? What if you were never meant to be his as well?

           The nights that he couldn't sleep were full of thoughts like these. Not even Elizabeth the Third could deter his worries. Hell, he could have passed you in a building and never have known. What if you had done business with him? What if you actually worked for him? No, you couldn't work for him, no one with insanely bright hair like that would work for him. He decided it was time to just focus on his work. He did have a few new potential clients to meet over the course of the next month. Thoughts like these were going to have to wait. He'd have to put them under lock and key.

           Though the next week, he started to notice piece by piece, that you must have been dying the tips of your hair multiple colours again. He actually felt a sense of relief, to see that you're okay- that you're still here in this world with him. Until one day, he had woken up to find his whole head, covered in a bright rainbow. He tried to refuse coming into work, though it was the day the company's important meeting was being held, so Assistant Kang practically begged that he reconsider that option. He also didn't have time to invite his hair stylist in to fix his situation. It was time to just... accept it, and do what he had to do.

With a bout of false confidence, he took a deep breath and pushed open the door to the meeting, bracing himself for the stares and ridiculing remarks. Beyond the door, however, it took one look for his heart to completely stop, his feet stopping in their tracks as well.

Sitting at the table across from him was a person with bright, rainbow coloured hair.

The moment the two of you met gazes, Jumin could feel a sharp shock through his chest.

Jaehee had to usher him into the room and practically lead the meeting, because he couldn't help but keep glancing over to you, and he'd get tongue tied every time. He was trying his best to keep his emotions under lock, as per usual, but he couldn't help it. He sat across from you- he got a chance to study your features. Your soft expression, the way your eyes shine with untapped creativity- always analyzing, searching for the beauty in things. You didn't need to speak for him to realize how much you appreciated the expressions and emotions in everything around you, he could tell it all from your hair choices over the years. He couldn't wait to talk to you- would he even be able to? Or would he miss his chance and watch you slip between his fingers? Would he fumble on his words- would it be apparent that he had no prior experience with emotions like this? Before he could snap out of it, the meeting had been wrapped up and you were walking out of the door. Catching a glimpse of the disappointment on your face, he struggled to push himself out of the chair he was in- his pocket getting caught on the arm of the chair as he stumbled, attempting to catch himself. Instead, he knocked his neighbors cup over, getting coffee on himself and dropped it a few more times while he tried to pick it up. His heart was racing, pounding in his ears; The sound being replaced by the soft sound of your giggle.

Embarrassed, he raised his eyes to meet yours, too enchanted by the dust of red that graced your cheeks as you hid the dazzling smile behind your hand, extending the other as an offer to help the bumbling idiot in front of you. He felt his heart beat right out of his chest when his fingertips touched the palm of your hand. He couldn't wait to hear what your first words to him would be. He'd secretly been waiting for quite some time to hear what his soulmate's first words will be.

"You're the asshole who keeps dyeing my hair black! And you're a bumbling buffoon, too!"

He wasn't expecting that.

But damn, if you didn't say it with the utmost graceful movements of your lips.

He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, to explain that he never acted this way, that he was truly more composed with less of... this. But he couldn't find the words- he couldn't do anything but open and close his mouth like fish- he truly was a buffoon, wasn't he.

Looking down at his shoes, he started to feel tears well up into his eyes. Was he really about to cry? He couldn't even talk to you- couldn't tell you how much just the thought of you changed his world, how much he craved the relationship his best friend had with his own fiancé, how afraid he was to lose you before he could even meet you, how much he want to-

No. He couldn't do this. He had to say something- anything to make you stay. He shut his eyes and held them closed- he was always sharp, quick witted, but why couldn't he talk to you? He talks to owners of large companies constantly, but one person? Just this one person, he couldn't?

How pathetic could he really be? The one time he needed to be his strongest, he completely folded like a house of cards.

For years, he had been watching from behind as his best friend move ahead with his life, going to bed each night with the person made just for him in his arms. Jihyun was always so happy- talking about his 'sun'- finding the beauty in everything that Rika had done. Where was that for him? He was left in the dark- fighting to reach the light that seemed so far away from him.

His father, constantly bringing him new women to meet- women who wanted one thing. Women always hanging off of him, touching him, hoping to get from him what they get from his father. He didn't want any of that, it wasn't what he wanted- not what he need. He needed someone who could understand him, someone who wouldn't want just his money or his fame. Someone who wanted him for all that he is- even if it wasn't close to perfect. Someone who wasn't dark in nature like they were. He wanted to get out of this night that held no stars.

All of these thoughts swarmed around in his head. He tried so hard to keep up the ruse that he was nothing but an emotionless robot; If he thought that way, then he could protect himself. But now, with the thought of you completely turning and leaving this room- leaving him behind yet again- he couldn't protect himself anymore. He was broken, and he was afraid.

It felt like hours later, yet his eyes flew open when fingertips gently touched his cheek, prompting him to look up at the alluring artwork in front of him. The light smile that enhanced your beauty tenfold was enough to make his face hot and his mind go completely blank.

"Hey," you said, in almost a whisper, dragging your thumb across his cheek as if it were fragile- like he would break at any moment. "My name's MC. It's nice to meet you- please don't cry. I've been looking for you for a very long time. Would you want to go settle on a calmer hair colour together?"

And for once, in years, he didn't mind the vivid colours that sat upon his head.

Sure, he was left in the dark.

But with him now were his own set of Northern Lights.

Someone so bright, vivid, colourful, yet so soft to help guide him home. To help him realize what home could really be. Something never ending- something that the two of you could start in the middle and would still find beautiful and inviting. Something unique to the both of you, something he desperately wanted to grasp and hold as if he was afraid to break it. He wanted to get to know you, piece by piece, colour by colour.

And he wasn't as afraid of the night anymore.

Masterlist~

[cecilspeaks]

117 - eGemony, part 1: “Canadian Club”

The suffocation of the ego.   The eternal silence of the void. Faceless, yet screaming. And now serving orange wine on tap.

Welcome to Night Vale. 

Listeners, we have a new sponsor! Our show is brought to you by – money. When purchasing items, please consider using money. It’s exchanged universally in place of transactions with actual value. Money is available in handy ones, fives, sixes, eights, and now twenties. [very fast] Money may be habit forming, symptoms may include (avarice) [0:03:21], lack of introspection and, frequent substitution of the phase “intelligent” for “wealthy”. Please ask your doctor if money is right for you and nod with considerable vigor when your doctor asks if you think money will complete you.

We have a visitor who I’m just now learning about. I’ve been handed a note by my new intern Gustav. Gustav says Station Management has ordered him to bring this guest immediately to the studio. Gustav, are you missing an eye? Uh, Gustav is nodding. OK. Uh, let’s see. The note says, it says to please welcome... Oh. What?! Wow! I mean, WOW! Gustav, is this real? OK, it is my honor and my privilege to welcome to the show – Hugh Jackman.

Hugh: Hi!

Cecil: Wait you’re not the Hugh Jackman, right?

Hugh: I like to think I am.

Cecil: Yeah, you’re not.

Hugh: But my children think I’m the real Hugh Jackman, so..

Cecil: Your children are wrong. But go on Mr Hugh Jackman.

Hugh: My name is Hugh Jackman, and-

Cecil: [muttering] Hmm but not the Hugh Jackman.

Hugh: Here’s my card.

Cecil: Oh. Hugh’s business card is a hologram he’s projected straight into my fingers. Says he’s the senior vice president in charge of “dreamfluencing” at.. ee-Gemini?

Hugh: It’s pronounced “ee-Gemonee”.

Cecil: Oh so it sounds just like he-

Hugh: I’m here to solve a funny little mystery. I just need to uh, open my briefcase here. Take a look at this.

Cecil: Oh, well that’s a Playboy magazine.

Hugh: Yes! December 1969. It had the pictorial on Bond girls in case you don’t remember.

Cecil: Oh I can see that. Ooh and there’s also a feature on architect Mies van der Rohe.

Hugh: I’ll take your word for it, Mr Palmer. I only read Playboy for the advertisements like this one: the one for Canadian Club.

Cecil: OK uh listeners, Mr Jackman is showing me a full page ad that features six people hiking in dense-looking woods, and two of them are carrying a sling of some sort and in the sling is-

Hugh: A case of Canadian Club whiskey!

Cecil: Uh huh. Um the headline reads, “On October 13, 1969, we hid a case of Canadian Club deep in the Amazon jungle. Here’s how you can find it.” Oh let’s see! Well this is actually quite entertaining, there are clues and maps and, is that an acrostic?

Hugh: It is an acrostic, very good Mr Palmer! It’s a clue to where the case was buried. Now from 1967 to 1973, Hiram Walker Distilled Spirits TBA Canadian Club ran a contest where they hid 21 cases of Canadian Club whiskey throughout the world, from the densest alleys of Jakarta to the skyscrapers of Manhattan, the cable car tracks in San Francisco, on cobblestoned streets in London, under 30 feet of water on the Great Barrier Reef. They ran ads with clues about how to find them, and find them the people of the world did! Every single case was recovered.

Cecil: That’s remarkable.

Hugh: Mr Palmer. We hid a case under the ice caps of the North Pole, and people found it. we dropped one on Mount Everest..

Cecil: [clears throat, mutters] Mountains. So why do you think people wanted to find them so badly?

Hugh: As far as we can tell, it has to do with people’s desire to have alcohol. Ironically, it sank the contest. People weren’t buying Canadian Club. They figured that it was way cheaper and more fun to get a yacht and sail to the Cayman Islands and snorkel under the security fences of the International Monetary Fund and then you know like, remove a case from the International Monetary Fund’s Mom’s poolside refrigerator, and that’s exactly what happened to case number 17. So sales plummeted, but later, Hiram Walker merged with (--) [0:07:21], which was acquired by Bacardi Constellation brands, which is now an acquisition of our little tech startup, eGemony!

Cecil: Now excuse me but what does eGemony do?

Hugh: We dreamfluence!

Cecil: [long beat] …Got it.

Hugh: It turns out there’s one further case of Canadian Club. It’s been hidden for over 40 years. Right here in Night Vale! Here’s the ad. This is the November 1973 issue of Playboy. Go on, read it.

Cecil: Um, “on August 30, we hid a case of Canadian Club in Night Vale. Here’s how to find it.” But, Mr Jackman, the rest of the ad is blank.

Hugh: We at eGemony after some internal discussion, believe that might be why the case was never found. There seems to have been some kind of event at the printers that month. Fran Lebowitz’s interview with progressive rock band Yes keyboardist Rick Wakeman is perfectly fine for its first 37 pages, but then devolves into a series of umlauts. Little Annie Fanny, generally a lighthearted and [chuckling] adorably misogynistic comic strip, was just panel after panel of…

Cecil: ..umlauts.

Hugh: And Mr Palmer, look at the pictoral on men’s golf pants.

Cecil: Aaaagh…

Hugh. Yeah.

Cecil: Ooooooooh.

Hugh: I know, we’re not really sure what happened there. Further, you’ll see that every cartoon has the same punchline.

Cecil: Oh yeah. Uh, here’s a bride on her wedding day and her mother is telling her… “It’s under Cecil’s desk”?

Hugh: Same punchline is on page 33 with the desert island, and page 74 here with the cowboys at the saloon.

Both in unison: “It’s under Cecil’s desk”!

Cecil: That is so odd! So Mr Jackman, why does eGemony want to find his case of liquor?

Hugh: We thought it would be.. fun. Can I look under your desk?

Cecil: Why?

Hugh: The case is under your desk.

Cecil: Yeah, but this desk wasn’t even here in 1973.

Hugh: So you’re telling us - me - no?

Cecil: Well I’m telling you to ask Station Management.

Hugh: Oh, I will!

Cecil: I-I-I mean they’ll make you fill out a form, and they can also create fire with their minds. Also they’ve eaten people before for way less. Hey Gustav? Gustav, come in here and show Hugh what Station Management did to your eye.

Hugh: Oh my!

Cecil: Oh God..

Hugh: That is disgusting.

Cecil: Ugh, it’s getting wor- [gags] OK, that’s enough Gustav.

Hugh: Oh. I am prepared. [ahem] I’m familiar with your Station and Management and not afraid of them. Eunice, Lily, Agatha, DeMarcus and Chad, old friends of mine.

Cecil: Who?

Hugh: Have you never learned the names of your supervisors, Mr Palmer? You need a team building retreat. I’ll be back. You haven’t seen the last of me.

Cecil: Yeah well you aren’t even the real Hugh Jackman!

I don’t trust that man. I need to figure out what to do next. We’ll be back after this.

[serene voice] Life is meaningless. There are no guiding principles, nor rewards, nor punishments for how to live. Just flashes of pain or joy, which are only neurotic messages, not actual experiences. Even pondering why we exist is a rudderless journey. So consciousness is a means to no end. The Sheriff’s Secret Police would like to acknowledge that hearing this will ruin your day.

However, they are further authorized to announce that nothing we have heard about nature describes a process that occurs without purpose. We can point to a fish’s fin and understand what function it serves. A monkey’s fur, a starfish’s many arms. The acorns in your uncle Simon’s branchy beard that explode outward as stabbing bristles whenever uncle Simon experiences fear. They all serve a purpose. So it’s possible that consciousness developed for a reason larger than consciousness itself can conceive of. The function of your mind is literally beyond comprehension. Which means that awareness, pursued to its limits, only makes you aware of your helpess ness. You are without power in this life. Except when you purchase items by using – money. This has been brought to you by – moneyyy.

We are back and – I’m in a jam. I mean I don’t trust this “Hugh Jackman” nor his company. I mean after what StrexCorp did to our town, I’m a bit wary of any business conglomerate. Although eGemony does seem different, friendlier. But what is this thing with looking under my desk? I’m not sure I should even look under my desk, I mean what if I find it? what if I don’t find it?

Every time I’v ehidden under my desk, I’ve closed my eyes and for good reason! I’m so distracted I lost my notes and now I don’t even know what the news was supposed to be! And Gustav went to go by some cotton balls and anti-bacterial spray for his missing eye. Um.. [rustles papers] Well, I mean honestly I’ve never really looked at any of these magazines before. I mean, Playboy was for other boys and girls. Uh, interesting. Listeners, did you know that Playboy magazine has a bunch of pictures of women across various careers with in-depth profiles on their lives? I did not know this. yeah there’s a whole pictoral on this issue of all the women who have ever played James Bond, in full costumes! Oh my god, look at these smart tuxes and pistols and one of them’s on a motorcycle!

In the middle of a magazine, there’s even a foldout photo of a woman in coveralls and a hard hat, leading a volunteer construction crew who’s building houses in a hurricane-ravaged Nova Scotia. Oh, and on the other side of the foldout, there’s a Playmate questionnaire. Let’s see, her turnoffs include “impatient people and tick bites”. You know, I agree with that. And her turn-ons include “groovy people, good food, overwhelming feelings of dread, chanting, and all hail the Glow Cloud”. All hail the Glow Cloud! Yes! Uh, the playmate’s name is Missy Wilks. Missy Wilks?! Could that be the Missy Wilks who lives over on Kestrel Street here in Night Vale? I mean, they do have similar eyes and tendrils. I wonder if it’s possible that she knows where the case of Canadian Club is? Well let’s see. [dials] M-I-S-S-Y-W-I-L-K-S.

[phone signal]

Missy: Hello?

Cecil: Hello, is this Missy Wilks? This is Cecil Palmer from the radio station. It’s a little hard to explain why I’m calling but-

Missy: Have you looked under your desk?

Cecil: Oh, not yet. Should I? I mean I kind of don’t want to.

Missy: Cecil. I’ve been waiting for this phonecall for over 40 years. You must look under your desk. The future of Night Vale depends on it.

Cecil: Have you been doing anything else?

Missy: Pardon?

Cecil: 40 years.

Missy: Well, no not really. Raised a family. Shot a guy once. But you’re stalling, Cecil.

Cecil: I’m not stalling! Bu-but you know, we really should get to today’s weather.

["Lost Everything" by Mary Epworth]

Cecil: And we’re back.

Missy: Have you looked under the de-

Cecil: No, I’ve not looked under my desk!

Missy: Come – on -, Cecil!

Cecil: Wait, why does Mr Jackman want this so badly?

Missy: Ugh! It’s why they put cases everywhere on the planet! They knew that leaving an item in place long enough allows it to absorb the spirit of the area. That case is now infused with the soul of Night Vale. No one actually recovered those other cases. eGemony recovered them after they bought all the other parent companies of Canadian Club. They’re going to send out one of their corporate prize contestant sweepstakes buzz marketing street teams to dreamfluence anyone who stands in their way. If eGemony finds it before you do, they will drink Night Vale’s soul, the same way they’ve drunk the soul of all the other cities!

Cecil: Wait, that makes no sense! They’ve recovered a bunch of these across the world. Are you saying that Manhattan, San Francisco, London, the Great Barrier Reef and the Cayman Island don’t have souls anymore?

Missy: Cecil.

Cecil: Oh my god, you’re right. OK then, alright, I’m going to look. I am looking under my desk. And I am findiiing.. nothing. I, there’s nothing under here!

Missy: Mm?

Cecil: Wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait oh, oh, oh, oh, oh wait put – a pushpin! A red one! And it-it’s holding an envelope to the underside of the desk!

Missy: Is it manila?

Cecil: Yes! And it’s addressed to me. There’s a letter inside. It’s written on papyrus and you can tell it’s very old because it’s written in cursive. It says: “Dear Cecil how are you? We are fine. We’re sorry we didn’t write earlier, but we were unlearning our destinies. We had to unlearn so many things. Small steps, then larger ones, then larger until we were almost flying, but not quite flying because we had to unlearn our expectations and then unlearn our limitations, so we gave up on flying. Because that turns out not to work regardless of your expectations and no matter what you unlearn. So we relearned what we needed to. we’ve relearned so many essential things, Cecil, about work and love and complaining about work and love and – oh! And we took the case of booze! If you wanna find us, you’ll know us by our sign.” And then it’s signed with a smear of foam. No wait, this isn’t just any foam it’s – hold on! [sniffs] [tastes] Cappuccino!

Oh my goodness, I have to tell Ms Wilks that..

Missy: I’m still here.

Cecil: Oh! Miss Wilks! I know where the case of Canadian Club is!

Missy: Where?

Cecil: It’s in the cave lands outside of town. It’s been taken by the baristas!

Missy: Cecil! This is the worst possible news! The baristas are no match for buzz marketing street teams. The baristas are gentle people, soft of spirit and jolly of countenance, whose dreams are only influenced by the purest of the loves, not crowd sourced manipulations. The baristas are rosy-cheeked and innocent! They gamble like lambs, Cecil! You’ve got to warn them!

Cecil: OK, I will, I will. Thank you, Miss Wilks! Listeners, this is terrible, I-I-I don’t know what to do! I don’t like warning people about things, I mean warnings lead to consequences and we all know how much I avoid consequences. In fact, there’s only one way to be thoroughly insulated from consequence and – that’s to accumulate enough money. But I don’t have any money. As Station Management recently switched their payroll protocol from cash to Twitter followers and Groupons for local spas, so I’m kinda screwed.

Think, Cecil, think. Think think think think think.

Stay tuned next to the sounds of chewing amplified to the threshold of pain.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night!

Today’s proverb: People always say “before I die”, as if they haven’t already begun the process.