#this was wrote one night in a weird mood sooooo have fun I guess

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

"Do you have a favorite, Jason?"

It's been over twenty four hours Red Hood has broken up an entire prostitution ring, and shot fourteen idiots who don't understand what the word no means.

Finally he got home got out of all his gear was about to eat his left over pasta before his idiotic older brother decided he needed to sit on his couch, and ask very stupid fucking questions at three in the god damn morning.

He would just shoot the stupid bird but he doesn't need big bad bat knocking on his door. Time to play whatever game is going on in his head.

"Big Bird get to the god damn point I'm fucking tired."

He looks straight at Dickhead he looks nervous yet, he's still which is never a good sign Nightwing is only a statue when something horrible happened. He runs quickly through the locations of all idiotic birds and as far as he knows they are all locked up in FortManor under Alfred's tender care.

"I asked if you had a favorite?"

-----

Dick isn't really functioning on all cylinders right now.

It was dangerous to come here not that Little Wing would hurt him, but he feels off like his entire soul is stripped bare for all to see.

He doesn't leave, he doesn't think he can.

-------

"Are you talking about the family big bird? You have got to give me something."

Jason's watching for a hint of where this is going if this is gonna be a sad big brother who needs a hug. Maybe he's gonna have to kill someone.

Or call Bruce.

He doesn't want to but there's something in the air like a bomb is going to explode. He can almost feel the seconds counting down.

"I have a favorite Jason don't you?"

"Maybe I do Dickie what's it to you?"

It can just be that right, big brother not living up the hype something deeper has to affoot he wouldn't show up just to be insecure.

He can practically hear Bruce's voice in his head look deeper.

Analyze.

Dickie worried about favorites it's not a secret that Jason isn't it.

That would be the baby birds Damian or Tim.

Tim is his little protege wearing his colors, stealing his guns. Which reminds him He has to get that back. It's no secret he has a favorite they call themselves team red.

He's not getting anything.

"Alright I bite Baby bird, which you knew?"

-------

He can't think before he can even control himself he has Jason pinned escrima cracking at his neck looking into his brothers eyes he doesn't seem surprised it's almost enough to let go. Yet little wing opens his mouth anyway.

"Let me guess feeling jealous dickie, not the perfect older brother? Alert the news golden boy ain't perfect"

He wants to wipe the smirk off his face he wants to break his teeth in feel his blood coat his fist.

----

Jason wants to be angry standing with a pissed off older brother on top of him yet even as he goaded something bugged him.

He missed something.

What happened tonight he's wracking his brain.

Where was Nightwing, patrolling with Red Robin.

Ok so how did we get from Point A to Point B.

Is it?

He forces his pulse to relax while he pokes the bear.

"It's not Damian is it Wing?"

Nightwing steps back releasing him he looks horrified Jason can't tell if it's from the murderous jealous rage or caring about Tim in his experience they go hand in hand.

"It's not Damian why isn't it Damian?"

Oh in a way he feels guilty but it's almost vindictive in nature.

Damian is a good kid he's the baby has a special spot but for Jason he's nothing not someone he wakes up everyday wanting to check on.

He can't trust the kid to watch his six he would take a bullet for him.

Yet he's not Tim not his Baby brother who had the sweetest tech badassness pouring out of him.

Why is it so surprising that Tim is the favorite.

As he thinks he feels himself getting angry why can't the kid who threw his entire life into it get a bit of fucking recognition. The boy who still looks at Dick like the sun shines out of his ass why can't he be the favorite.

Maybe it's cause he knows Tim loves him even but he wants Dick out of his fucking sight.

"Get out."

"Wait hold on" Dick trips as Jason pushes him out straight to the front door.

"I don't care get out that kid he worth it all and you might be a shitty older brother but I'm not go fuck your self."

As he goes to slam the door he looks the man that he would have died for killed for a man that he has always called his brother and he gets it.

For once he understands why Dickie always guarded the birds why he always looked two seconds away from loosing it.

"Don't bother ever coming back I only have one brother and it sure as shit ain't you and I will do you one. I won't tell any of them about this convo but let's make one thing clear."

Looking straight at Dick.

"Tim is a better man than you will ever be stick with the demon brat I got Red."

He slams the door sinking down to the floor he wants to sob.

Scream instead he goes to the manor tommorow pretends nothing ever happened.

But it's never the same cause he will always be Jason Todd.

Red Robin will always be his Robin.

But he will never be Tim Drake''s.

[innocentsshounenjuujigun]

04. Chestnut — do me justice

((I wrote this a good while ago but never posted it here, sooooo here we are! A very sad fic featuring Henri, Nicolas, Etienne, and Henri’s issues. It’s one of those stories that really highlights how fucked-up Henri’s whole situation was, while also being something of a character study on the poor kid. :3))

. . . 

Henri is a knight now, or so he’s told. It’s the kind of thing he’s always wanted, but now that he has it, now that he has a sword at his hip, he’s not too sure if it’s really going to be okay. He’s not sure if he can do it. 

The long days of walking are exhausting. Carrying his sword at his hip makes Henri’s whole body feel lopsided and uncomfortably pulled to one side. The sword is almost as big as he is; Henri isn’t sure if he could swing it if his life depended on it. As much as he wants to be a knight and protect Etienne, the idea of cutting a real, living person still scares him. 

But... Nicolas needs him. Everyone needs him. They’re the twelve disciples who are meant to protect Etienne from all harm, and Henri’s in too deep to back out now. They all are. There’s no going home even if they wanted to. There’s no abandoning the Children’s Crusade anymore. 

No matter what happens. 

Henri thinks these things as he’s curled up in his bedroll, trying not to cry. He can’t cry anymore. He’s a man, not a baby, and crying isn’t acceptable now. The lambs look up to him. Nicolas needs him to be strong. 

The night air is cold. Insects chirp faintly in the distance. Winter is coming, and the bugs are slowly fading for the year. There are less than there was the week before, and the week before that. Time is passing little by little. Every day, Henri gets farther and farther away from his home, away from his family, and even though he wants to be a brave knight and come home in glory and honor... he gets the feeling that there won’t be a ‘going home’ at all. He made his decision, and now... that’s all there is. 

Henri brings himself to his hands and knees. Etienne has white hair now, and eyes bluer than the sky. Etienne makes miracles happen, and if any miracle needs to happen to Henri, it’s making him into enough of a knight that he’ll be able to keep up with everyone else in the Crusade. 

Standing, Henri slips out of his tent, leaving his sword behind. The camp is quiet. It seems like everyone is asleep but him. 

Nicolas tends to patrol late at night, though, and Henri needs a walk anyway. He needs some time to think. It’s not like he can sleep very well when his mind is mulling over quite so many awful worries. 

Henri slinks through the camp as quietly as he can. He makes his way to the outside, to where no one is curled up and resting, and then he breathes a sigh of relief. So many children in one place are exhausting... even though Henri himself is barely out of the lower age range of the lambs.

That’s a thought that makes him feel absolutely useless. 

Out in the woods, the air smells like moss, undergrowth, and pine. Henri walks through crunching leaves and roots that threaten to trip him, right up until he gets around the camp and to where he knows Nicolas sleeps. At the head of everyone. The leader who won’t let anyone slack off or be left behind. Simultaneously the harshest person there and the one who won’t allow anyone to get hurt. Anymore, Henri doesn’t know if he respects Nicolas or is a little afraid of him. His friend has changed. 

“Who’s there?” Nicolas’s voice calls, tense enough that Henri knows immediately that he’s in one of his moods. One of the ones where he tries to be tough like Guy... even though Henri knows much, much better. 

“Um, just me,” Henri says quietly, as to not wake anyone. 

“Henri? What are you doing up this late?”

“Couldn’t sleep... So I got up to walk around a little bit. That’s all.” Henri knows that it sounds stupid, but it really is the truth. 

“You can’t sleep? You’ve gotta be kidding me. After all the walking we’re doing, I’d think that someone like you would pass right out.” Nicolas’s tone is almost joking, but Henri bristles a bit. He doesn’t like the implication that he’s the weak one here. Even though... he probably is. 

“Well, I couldn’t. I’m sorry for bothering you...”

Nicolas makes a face that Henri can only sort of see through the darkness. It’s not quite annoyed, but it’s missing a softness that Henri is used to seeing from Nicolas. It’s missing something important. 

“Sit down,” Nicolas says. “Let’s talk.”

Henri obeys. 

He settles on the ground next to Nicolas’s sleeping place, where Nicolas is sitting cross-legged with his sword in his lap. 

Nicolas never lets that thing go, Henri has noticed. He’s so attached to the concept of being a knight that the sword never leaves his side. Just watching it, Henri doesn’t know if he should feel jealous of Nicolas’s courage or worried for his friend. It’s not normal to be like that. Even for someone like Nicolas, it’s just plain weird to be acting so differently out of nowhere. 

But Nicolas is strong, intense, and brave, and Henri has no room to complain. He knows it’s better to be tough and dedicated than it is to be a sniveling coward who cries at every little thing that happens. 

It’s better to be like Nicolas than to be like himself. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Henri asks in a soft tone. He’s almost scared of what the answer is going to be.

“The journey, I guess. What we might face in the future. This isn’t our village anymore, you know? We’re really out in the world, going on an adventure and becoming knights. It’s what I’ve always wanted, Henri. After all this time, I’m going to be a knight just like my dad.” Something in Nicolas’s tone is a little too fervent. Henri isn’t sure he likes it. Nicolas’s dad is a dead man, after all, and Henri doesn’t want Nicolas to be ‘just like that’. 

“Y-Yeah... We’re a long way from home. I kind of miss it. It was peaceful there. Not... where we have to worry about so many things.”

Henri drops his head to his tucked-up knees. He knows that Nicolas is going to be mad at him for that one, but he can’t keep his mouth shut so easily. Somehow, his real feelings always seem to come spilling right out. 

“Quit being such a baby, Henri,” Nicolas snaps, just like Henri expected. “This is a good thing. We don’t want to be stuck in that stupid, tiny village forever. We want battle! Glory! We want to be men, not ignorant children who never even get to leave their hometown.”

For a moment, Henri wants to comment that it’s not like Nicolas has a family to leave behind. He doesn’t have a mom who will cry when she misses him or a dad who will never have another son. He doesn’t have a little sister who’s forever going to wonder where her big brother went because she was too young to remember him before he left. Nicolas doesn’t have anyone who will miss him. It’s different for someone like that. 

“I guess so,” Henri says instead. Then, “You’re really brave, Nicolas. I don’t know if I’ll ever really feel like that. I just... I don’t know.”

“You will,” Nicolas insists.“You’ll understand soon enough. You’re a man now, Henri, so you’ll get it soon enough. You’ll grow up just like the rest of us. Or at least, you’d better. I don’t want to be lugging around a kid just because you can’t grow a spine. Etienne is counting on us, so you have to get a pair and start acting like you’re someone he can rely on.”

Henri can’t help but sigh. This is exactly what he expected, but hearing it doesn’t make it hurt any less. He sucks in a breath of cool night air and closes his eyes for a moment. Etienne really is relying on him. That part is true. And Henri... he wants to be someone that Etienne can trust. 

Nicolas always says that there are bigger things waiting for them, that there’s glory just beyond the horizon. Henri doesn’t know if he believes it. Most of the time, it just seems like the only thing waiting is trouble. 

“I will,” Henri says, just because it feels like he’s supposed to. 

“Yeah, you will. You can be a knight, Henri. I know you can do it. You’ve gotta do me and everyone else justice, so make sure you do.”

Henri doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to do with that much pressure put on him all at once. Just a few weeks ago, he was a kid who’d probably never set foot outside his hometown, let alone fight anyone or have to be a knight. Now, he’s on the road every day, getting farther and farther away from everything he’s ever known. Now, he’s in a world of pagans, Knights Templar, and holy lands just out of reach. 

“...I’m gonna go sleep now.”

“Good idea. You’ll get tired out tomorrow again, so go rest. No one wants you complaining that you’re tired all day.” Nicolas laughs at that, but Henri doesn’t think it’s very funny. He’s doing his best, just like the rest of them. What makes him so easy for everyone to make fun of?

Henri stands up and leaves Nicolas and his sword behind.

He’s tired. He’s way, way too tired-- in a way that seems to have nothing to do with sleep. Henri’s whole head feels weary in a way that he can’t stop. He wants to lie down, curl up into a little ball that nothing can hurt, and stay there until the world quits being so scary. Until he can wake up in a place where the hard part is already over. 

On his way back to his sleeping place, though, this time cutting through the rest of camp. He’s too tired to care much if he wakes someone.

But... close to where he sleeps, Henri sees a familiar white shining in the moonlight. Etienne. His hair is the color of the moon itself now-- a brilliant white that Henri thinks would put even snow to shame. 

Henri steps a little bit closer to Etienne, watching the other boy’s face closely. This is the person who brings about miracles. This is the one who Henri’s supposed to give his life to protect. Yeah, Etienne has always been the kindest, purest person Henri’s ever known, but... he’s still scared. He doesn’t know what it means to give his life for someone, and he’s not sure if he wants to. Why can’t he just live by Etienne’s side? Why does he have to die to prove himself as worthy? 

It feels like Etienne would be happier if they were all alive. 

After a moment of Henri staring, Etienne’s blue eyes flutter open. He blinks sleepily for a moment before his gaze lands on Henri. 

“...Henri? What are you doing?”

“Um, just... heading back to bed,” Henri says with what he doesn’t quite think is a smile. “I took a little walk, but I think I’m sleepy again now.”

“You look scared.”

Henri tenses. Of course Etienne would be able to pick up on something like that without even trying. Either that or Henri is just a lot more obvious than he thought he was. He bites his lip. Now Etienne will chew him out too, or at the very least say something disappointed enough that Henri will wish he’d been angry instead. Both options are bad. 

“J-Just having trouble sleeping,” Henri tries to dismiss, even though he knows that his voice is shaking. 

“Then... come sleep beside me,” Etienne says in a tone so tender that it takes Henri’s breath away. “Get your bedroll and lie down here. It’s easier to sleep when there’s someone there with you. There’s space. I’ll say a prayer for you and the Lord will allow both of us to rest peacefully.”

“Okay. Um, b-be right back!”

Henri scurries away. He doesn’t know if he’s blushing from the kindness or about to cry, but oh, Etienne’s words hurt worse than any scolding from Nicolas. He wants to settle in by his friend like a child and sleep peacefully, but the world he’s in will never allow peace again. 

‘Do them justice’, Nicolas had said, right before the biggest reminder of all had come in and whacked Henri in the face. 

Henri picks up his things quietly. He can’t stop the occasional sniffle from escaping him, even as he bites down on his lip to stifle the tears. He can’t cry. He has to be a man. He can’t disappoint them. 

Henri walks back to where Etienne is waiting. 

He’s scared. 

[wickymicky]

a month ago i watched every Twice video in order, some of them for the first time, because Twice was finally clicking for me and i was “getting it”. i wrote a little thing about which songs i liked and which i didnt, and i wanna expand on that cause my opinions have gotten more fleshed out over the last couple weeks of listening to them, and also some of them have changed. i just really like reviewing things, i hope that’s okay lol

so here are two or three sentence reviews of every Twice title track, in order

Like Ooh Ahh: i think this is one of their best songs, personally. it’s not as much of the bubblegum stuff they go for after this, but it’s extremely catchy lol, the “i just wanna fall in love!” and the “ha~~ ooh-ahh hage!” gets stuck in my head a lot. i just love the way this song’s instrumental sounds too, the aesthetic of it

Cheer Up: um okay so from hot to cold... this is my least favorite Twice song. i’m listening to it right now as I’m writing this, and I’ll listen all the way through, but i haven’t listened to it all the way through very often. i think the chorus feels out of place, so does the “be a man, real man” thing. i don’t like that. that ruins the song for me lol. i also don’t like the chorus much haha, it sounds like theyre saying “chore up” cause they went with 치얼업 (chi-eol/eor-eop) instead of like... even just “chireop” or “chi-eo eop”... they dont usually have ㄹ for an english r sound at the end of a word...

TT: ah okay nice we’re back on track lol, this song is fantastic and totally deserves to be their most popular song (at least in terms of music video views). when i first heard it i didnt like it cause i didnt like anything Twice lol... then when I listened to every Twice title track in order as i was beginning to “get it”, i liked everything except the “i’m like TT, ahhh, just like TT, ahhh” haha, i thought the fact that it was about the emoticon was weird and didnt fit the video, and the “ahh” was goofy haha. but now? god its so catchy lmao i always whisper-sing along to this part when i listen to this song haha. i love the echo-y reverb-y synths in the verse, and the instrumental in the chorus when paired with the vocal melody just makes it one of the best choruses in kpop lol. i think TT is their best song. the rap break doesnt feel like a rap break, it fits sooooo naturally in with the song, it’s so impressive. this song is so impressive

Knock Knock: initially i liked this song a lot, and i still do, but... this would be another group’s best song, easily, but for Twice... it’s a bit overshadowed haha. the guitar plus the synth is really cool though, its rare to hear a calming, sort of mellow, soft song with as high a BPM as this haha. one of the writers, Mayu Wakisaka, also was a composer for Loona’s Hi High and Fromis 9′s Love Bomb... and you can totally see that lol. all of those songs have high BPMs and are wildly catchy. still, idk, i like this song but i dont have a ton to say about it

Signal: this song is weird in a good way, i love really unconventional instrumentals. it sounds as alien and outer space as the music video haha. at first the “sign-eul bonae signal bonae” kinda annoyed me, but i got more used to it. i don’t listen to this song much, but i should change that, honestly. though another thing is that the music video has a lot those things where it adds sounds from the video that arent in the regular song, and has an intro i gotta skip every time lol, but like thats not a huge problem, i can just listen to the song elsewhere haha

One More Time: this song sounds like something you’d hear at a hockey game lmao. i dont even know really what i mean by that, i dont go to hockey games lol.... anyway. i like this song, but again, it’s kinda overshadowed. if i’m in the mood for the vibe this song has, there are other Twice songs that have it that i like more. it’s refreshing every once in a while though.

Likey: this song is so good!!! it didnt stand out at first, like, there’s not really a huge gimmick like some of the others... “likey likey likey” is kind of the same sort as the “just like TT” and “knock knock knock on my door” and stuff from other songs, but for some reason it feels less prominent in this song. i dont think this is their most iconic song ever, and its not genre-defining or one of the ones you’d mention first when talking about Twice, but it’s just a really solid song. one of my favorites

Heart Shaker: yeah, heart shaker is alright. it was apparently just a couple months after likey, and it feels like a similar concept? maybe it’s just the music video giving me that impression. it’s alright. the music video has the longest part with the distinctive way Twice shoots dance scenes... in that very nauseating way lol... but i don’t mind it lol i’m used to that by now

Candy Pop: so like, was this song sorta made for kids specifically? i guess i’m mostly just being influenced by the music video cause i’m watching it while writing this. i dont like the video much lmao it’s like a pokemon ripoff complete with Officer Jennies and Jin-young Brock. the song’s not bad though, it’s catchy but it’s a little too sugary sweet for me (which makes sense given the concept i guess). i like a lot of ideas in the instrumental though... because it was also written by the people who did Knock Knock, including the writer of Hi High and Love Bomb. 

What is Love: this isnt their best song ever, but it’s undeniably one of their most solid. i listen to it a lot haha. the music video has a cool concept, i like when groups do this kind of thing (interpreting scenes from movies or famous music videos or popular culture). i don’t have much to say other than that i like it a lot, it’s one of my favorites i think

Wake Me Up: okay here we go, this is another one of the three Twice singles I just don’t really like. it’s a fine song up until the chorus. i just can’t get over the shift upwards in.. uhh.. scale? octave? pitch? one of those lol, or something else, i dont really know music terms like that very well haha. yeah though i just find it offputting. 

Dance the Night Away: it’s alright. i’m pretty neutral on it. i was put off at first but i’ve gotten used to it. though still, i’m not that into it. i get that its a dance focused song and the choreography does look a lot more intense than their other choreos, and thats cool, but that doesnt make me like the music in and of itself. it’s a summer-jam type of song, and i’m not as into those anyway. there’ll never be a better kpop summer-jam than Red Flavor anyway lol

Yes or Yes: this is the other Twice that i don’t like haha. i just think the constant “you only one choice: yes or yes” thing is kind of annoying haha. also the chorus is catchy in a way that i dont think its especially exciting... it’s an earworm because i think it’s slightly annoying, not because it’s satisfying. of the songs that i’ve said i don’t like, this is the one i could see myself getting into the most. this might not always be in my “bottom three”. it is right now though

Fancy: this was the first comeback they had since i’ve been into kpop, and even though i wasnt into Twice at the time, i wanted to try it out just to see if it would change my mind, and it did somewhat.... sorta. it got the ball rolling for sure. it came out on my birthday, the same day as the Loona Fire dance cover haha, that was a good birthday. yeah this song is great, i think it’s better than any of their 2018 comebacks, personally. the concept isn’t all that different from normal Twice, it just appears that way cause the video is so lavish and elegant. it didnt convince me to be a Twice fan on that day it came out, but I liked what I thought made it different from the other Twice songs I’d heard. but now? what I like most about it is how very Twice it really is. the thing is, I wasn’t into Twice probably because the only songs i’d heard were Yes or Yes and Cheer Up, and those songs are still my least favorites lol. Fancy doesnt sound that out of place when you take into account their whole discography! i looove the video and i loooove the chorus so much, this song is great and i wonder if they’ll be able to top it if they have another comeback this year

Breakthrough: okay so in the last one i said i wonder if they’ll be able to top it this year, i meant in terms of Korean comebacks lol. cause in terms of just songs in general, if i include their new Japanese comebacks, they’ve already topped Fancy. this song is the one that finally won me over. this is the song that made me a Twice fan. now, this one is a little outside their typical concept, but they’re really really good at it nevertheless. i wonder if Twice is going a bit more in this direction? at least maybe half the time, alternating between the two styles now? cause Breakthrough continues a bit down the path that Fancy set for them. in any case, i love basically everything about this song, I’m so glad it got me to finally love their music

Happy Happy: so you know how I said that Breakthrough was a change from the bubblegum fun-fun style they’ve had and that move is what got me to finally be into Twice? well that made me think I’d like Happy Happy less haha, but actually I listen to it way more than I listen to Breakthrough, I like it more overall. this is a very Twice-style song, and that’s fine because it’s fantastic. this song genuinely makes me happy

oops didn’t i say i’d try to keep it to two or three sentences?

anyway yeah my favorite Twice songs are TT, Happy Happy, Breakthrough, Likey, and Like Ooh Ahh in that order i think

[aliceellablog]

Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :( 

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;)  So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD. 

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up….  I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you. 

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig. 

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!!  Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx