#to 'you have to marry me no choice' within literally the same sentence

[moghedien]

obsessed with whatever this weird ass romance arc they're in is

[b0rista]

— 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐄 𝐒𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑.

WARNINGS: light angst & swearing.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: he's one of my ultimate favorite snk characters, and i needed to cleanse my page of the heavy ass warrior content djjfjf.

"you're either a blessing, or you're a lesson. either or, you and i met for a reason."

with all of the gore and the misfortune that comes with your livelihood, it's connie that gets you through it.

as expected, you first fell in love with him for his humor. not for the humor itself, but for how it shed the smallest flicker of joy upon a heaping tower of despair— as soldiers, you needed that. fortunately, he was the one that brought it to the table. even during your days as cadets, connie lived to make you laugh. hearing a chuckle flutter from your core served as a form of therapy for him, and with time, he grew addicted.

with that being said, he does the stupidest shit in order to get your attention. even when you're together, he'll do what needs to be done. for example, one time, he tried to impress you by doing a trick while saddled up on his horse. in an attempt to twirl like a jackass ballerina, the horse decided that it deserved better, and kicked him clean off its back. at the sight of his 5'2 ass being hoisted eight feet into the air, you nearly choked.

prepare yourself, he's a cuddler. after a particularly hard day's worth of work, connie finds solace in bedding up with you, knowing that you're safe, and with him. he asks that you don't tell anybody, but he actually really enjoys cuddling as the little spoon. to have his head pressed against your chest, his ear to your heartbeat, brings him comfort. of course, he'll never detest to being your big spoon, either. he absolutely loves the feeling of you buried within his touch.

^ if you ever want to go an evening without cuddling, he'll be immediately offended. never, ever, ever will the two of you fall asleep back to back. he simply won't have it, it makes him feel as if something's wrong. and if that is the case, nobody's falling asleep until you've talked about it and successfully sorted it out.

at the beginning of your guys' relationship, everyone worried for you. did he coerce you, y/n? are you being forced? has he threatened you, has he threatened your family? nobody could grasp the fact that connie motherfuckin' springer had managed to pull you.

if there's any sort of sour talk regarding you, no matter how little it is, this man will leap to your defense. one time, jean called your bedhead ugly, and connie propelled a moldy roll of bread into his forehead. in the end, a massive food fight erupted, and you were just standing there with your bedhead like 🧍‍♀️

HOWEVER, there was an instance that actually led to a genuine, real fight between you two as a couple. you'd managed to scuff up your leg during the battle with kenny the ripper and his associates, and when it came down to who was and who wasn't going to tag along for the eren & historia rescue mission, connie belittled you to the team behind your back. not because he actually felt that way, but because he'd do anything to maintain your safety— even if it meant hurting your feelings. telling captain levi that your abilities were inadequate for that particular mission hurt him, but he did what he felt was necessary.

in the end, though, levi saw through the charade. to connie's dismay, you came with to save eren and historia. and during the entire journey, you didn't even utter a word to him. of course, though, during the battle, you put your frustrations aside. once you saw your lover's head nearly get kicked in during combat, you understood his intentions, and you forgave him. as expected, he replied to your forgiveness with humor,, his go-to coping mechanism.

"considering how sexy i looked on the battlefield, i knew you wouldn't be able to resist."

whenever his hair starts to grow out, you're the one that gets to cut it back down! he's able to do it himself, but he really likes it when you do it. you're typically propped up in his lap, sitting face to face as you file down his edges. he always loops his arms around your waist, intently staring you in the face— seeing you so concentrated on his hair, he can't help it.

you wouldn't expect this from connie whatsoever, but he likes it when you read to him. pick a literature of your choice and let him kick back and rest his head onto your lap, pleasE. he'll close his eyes, and for the first time in forever, stay still. the only time he and books ever coexist is when you're reading one to him. he'll also make fun of you whenever you stumble over a sentence,, so get ready.

the day you realize that this motherfucker is nearing six feet tall, you're ready for the holy spirit to whisk you away. literally, you measure his height on the weekly once you realize he just keeps gaining inches. that, and when he starts growing more into his face? lawd, take you now.

"connie, you're getting seXY-"

"what the hell does thaT mE A N-"

many, many proposals. none are meant to be taken seriously, which the both of you know. still, there are far too many proposals between the two of you. one time, you killed a fly midair, and he thought you were the baddest bitch on the block.

"marry me."

another time, he swooped you into the air with his maneuvering gear, and as you held onto him for dear life, you looked him dead in the face: "marry me, you baldheaded bastard."

it can be a reel, how many times the two of you say that bullshit. somehow, it's cute.

he doesn't really take basic boundaries into consideration. like, one time, you caught him using your toothbrush because he couldn't find his. it wasn't fun, you had to give him a serious talking to.

he is, without a doubt, constantly prepared to lay down his life for you on the battlefield. during his time as a soldier, he's grown significantly strong— and once he fell in love with you, he's felt even stronger. not only do you give him drive, but you lend him strength. with that being said, you're somebody he'd die for without even an ounce of hesitation. and knowing him, he's probably made that more than obvious.

when connie's village was destroyed and it was discovered that his entire family was turned into titans, you were one of the only ones to actually comfort him. you were absolutely enraged at how nonchalantly your lover's loss was set aside, and although he'd tried his hardest to conquer the grief alone, it was you who sat at his bedside at night, cradling him in your arms as he wept. never in your life had you seen him so distraught. after that period of time, your relationship with him only deepened in its seriousness. 

as expected, you and sasha spend quite a bit of time together! after all, that's your boyfriend's best friend. given her easygoing nature, it didn't take long for sasha to absolutely adore you. naturally, she wonders how the hell you manage to operate with a boyfriend like that, but she tries not to ask questions.

speaking of the wonder twins, they love getting you in trouble. whenever the two of them think up an astonishingly moronic shenanigan, there's a solid 50/50 chance that you'll be looped into it, too. one time, they purposefully dulled jean's razor, and when he went to shave, it only ended in him splitting his face open due to placing too much pressure. as a joke, those two jackasses carved your initials into the handle. when jean decided that he'd murder you, connie tried playing the hero, lEapiNg to your defense. it was stupid, and it didn't work. you still laugh about it, though.

there have been several jokes regarding starting a family and growing old together— secretly, though, connie doesn't want them to just be jokes.

he stole a stray cat for you. yup, yes he did. the two of you were walking about the city, and you saw a gray-haired sleeping beside a trash bin behind a local vendor. you compared its fur to the color of his hair, calling it cute. out of impulse, connie went back to that exact same vendor later on that day, trapped the cat in a box, and brought it to your doorstep.

his forearms and fingertips were covered in claw marks, but to see your face light up the way that it did, any amount of pain was immediately worth it.

after the nickname that shadis had given connie on the first day of cadet training, you named the kitty q-ball. 🥺

during the season four era, the two of you share a house. at first, captain levi argued against it— "put a pair of horny teenagers in a home together, what do you think is gonna happen?"

y'all said fuck it, and lived together anyways. it's you, him, and your lovely child, q-ball. occasionally jean, too. some nights, he doesn't want to be alone.

eskimo kisses. during the prepping of every single mission, you'll get eskimo kisses. it's a small, loving gesture the two of you do before heading into the battlefield. as a sign of your love, you'll press your foreheads together and rub noses, weapons holstered and ready for combat. it's a serious tradition, and it'll never be ignored.

and after a mission, connie has this habit of pinching your cheeks immediately after rushing towards you. it isn't to be cute, either. it's so that he can scan you, and check you for any harm. basically, it's him squeezing the life out of your face while bombarding you with questions.

expect supremely cheesy pet names! bae, biscuit, buttercup, baby thing, sexy bitch, and so on. if it were anyone else, he would 100% make fun of them. but it's him, therefore adorable.

[nicco-needs-love]

Oh boy. I did it. I wrote this damn thing. It's kinda long (5k) so I'm splitting it into three parts because that's how I wrote this fic. The full thing will be up on ao3 tomorrow because it's 6am :,) my ao3 is HoliGAY if you wanna see the whole thing because I'm gonna edit it and make it look pretty on there! :,,)))

TW//quick desc of gore, and romanticizing of marriage! The gore isn't in this chapter so no worries! I would say this chapter would be rated G!

This is only chapter one! I'm gonna post the other's tomorrow! Sorry for any errors! I didn't read it over!

(1/3) White Proposal

"Is it normal? Y'know… To fall in love with one of our Eves?"

"Do you really think that's a good question to ask me?! Hell, I've fallen in love with every damn one of them!"

Ildio shrugs, realizing that asking Hyde was not the smartest idea.

"Well? There's a reason you asked that. Catching feelings for your Eve?"

"Yeah, I wanna propose."

Hyde inhales his water, coughing everywhere; caught very off guard at Ildio's sentence. 

"Huh?!"

"It isn't that strange. Mother married one of her old eves. Double Doubt and his eve are engaged. You and yours?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But it's normal for us to fall for our eves! You, however, haven't done that once!"

"Well… Nicco's different."

Ildio looks away, thinking about the long haired guy he'd hopelessly fallen for. Ildio isn't sure about even asking Niccolò to marry him. They're dating, been dating for a few years. It's just there has never been a good instance of Servamps marrying their Eves. It's just a sad thing to think about. Servamps are immortal, they'll never die. Their Eves aren't. Ildio was never close to any of his previous Eves, he was one of the very few Servamps who has never fallen in love. Of course, that was until he met Niccolò. It was a curse until Ildio eventually gave up fighting off those butterflies he'd get when Nicco would smile. 

"Uh-huh… Okay. Do you actually wanna do it? Propose I mean. Think about it, would it work?  Sometimes I wanna propose to Licht but there's so many reasons I can't. Our schedules, his job, he's popular with "everyone" so I can't imagine the problems he would get if people found out he was married. Hell,I'm not sure Licht would even say yes."

"I'm just thinking about it, if I was gonna do it, it wouldn't be extravagant, we wouldn't even have to wear rings."

"Then what's the point? Could be the romanticism in me but, that's such a beautiful thing about marriage. Wearing rings? It's so romantic, the glimmer of each other's face reflecting on their wedding rings! Being able to see your love in a metal band on someone's finger is just a beautiful thing! I've been married a few times and wedding days are some of the best days of my life."

Ildio sighs, definitely regretting his decision of talking to Hyde about this. He definitely should have talked to Kuro instead, none of the theatrics or excessive romantic details. Honestly any of his siblings would have been better to talk to about this; except for Hugh. Hugh has always been against Servamps falling in love. Especially ever since the incident with Hyde many centuries ago. Then Jeje's past with the Alicen family. There have been many, many times Servamps have fallen in love. Every time they had talked about those things to Hugh, there would be a very long conversation about the problems with a romance like that. That's one of the reasons that Ildio has always been weary of the idea of love. In fact, he thought he would never fall for anyone. All his previous Eves were asses who would break Ildio's rules almost immediately. Yet again, Niccolò changed his mind on that.

"I'm gonna go, Law. I'm gonna think more about it."

"Mkay! Invite me to the wedding! I wanna see it!"

Ildio laughs aloud once, closing the door behind him. 

The thing is, Ildio already bought a ring for the proposal. It was an impulse buy, he was shopping for snacks and a bright ring caught his eye in a window. The ring is one of a kind, a gorgeous onyx black band, with a shining silver inlay. Apparently there was a second ring similar to that one, however it sold a while ago. Ildio knew immediately the ring would fit Nicco. Don't ask how he would know that, many hours watching Niccolò's hands move would certainly not be Ildio's answer. The ring, inside a white velvet box, feels heavy inside his pocket. He could propose, just give Nicco the ring and walk away. Although he knows there's no way he could do that. After all, the worst thing Niccolò could say is no, right?

"He's been gone for hours… Not so far that the distance effect would take in, but far enough that I can't find him."

Niccolò sighs, sinking down against the vinyl chair he's sitting in. A few hours ago, Ildio told him to meet him at this diner. Nicco didn't expect to be waiting for hours. It's not like he has anything to do today anyway. Besides the piles of phone calls he has to make with other bosses of families because there have been many issues in the workplace. Nicco puts his head down on the table, considering giving Ildio a call. Not because he's impatient, but starting to get worried.

"Hey, Nicco."

Niccolò opens his eyes and looks up, seeing Ildio. Nicco isn't sure when he took a nap, but he certainly did. Ildio looks nervous? Niccolò isn't sure why he would be, but he sits up, tapping the spot next to him on the seat for Ildio to sit down. 

"Hey… Sorry I fell asleep, I meant to call but, I fell asleep…"

Ildio doesn't say anything, just nods. It isn't rare for Ildio to not say anything. However, it is rare for Ildio to look this nervous. Or nervous at all. Nicco notices Ildio has his hand inside his jacket pocket, it looks like he's fidgeting with something? Or, it could just be Niccolò projecting. You see, something has been weighing on his mind for months; marriage. Niccolò knows that's the very last thing he should be thinking about. First of all, he's a mafia boss with many people who rely and count on him, he still has to prove he can be just as good as his father one day. Secondly, he would be married to a vampire, a Servamp. If Niccolò proposed, would Ildio even have a choice to say no? If that's the case, Nicco would never want to propose. Still, he bought a ring, specifically for Ildio. He was just window shopping for rings when he saw it. The ring is a shining silver that shines beautifully in the sun. Inside the ring is a deep black inlay, the ring is gorgeous. He sighed a sigh of relief looking closely at the ring, he knew it would fit Ildio perfectly.  Niccolò being the hopeless romantic he is, he got an engraving into the ring's inlay. 'Mio dio'. Translating to 'My God' in italian. It's a very cheesy thing that Niccolò thinks about a lot, he thinks of Ildio as his God. 

Nicco can't help but idly roll the black velvet box between his fingers. He bought the ring about two weeks ago, he's been thinking about the moment over and over. The imaginary proposal in his head. Niccolò honestly is far too shy to do something so forward. It's completely different to hold hands or soft kisses, this is marriage. 

"S-so uh...Why were you out for so long, Il? I was getting worried…"

"Just thinkin' about stuff."

Silence. Niccolò shifts in his seat uncomfortably, not too sure what to say. Ildio is thinking the exact same, he isn't sure which way to go about this.

"So uh-"

They both start talking at the same time. Meeting each other's eyes, Niccolò looks down first, a blush dusting his face. Ildio obviously takes notice of this, realizing that Nicco is more nervous than usual; which is hard to be. 

Ildio stands up, grabbing Nicco's hand and taking him out of the diner. In the corner of his eye, he can see many of the Carpe Diem members giving him a look of suspicion. 

Outside the diner, around seven feet away from the entrance, Ildio can't stop fiddling with the box in his pocket. Nicco isn't touching the box in his pocket, however, it feels like one-hundred tons weighing in on him.

Ildio inhales, getting a grip on the wedding ring. He's doing it; he's going to ask Niccolò to marry him.

Looking at Ildio, Nicco can see a look of determination? Seeing that makes Nicco want to propose. He reaches within his coat pocket, grabbing the white box.

"Niccolò."

Nicco stops in his tracks, the severe tone in Ildio's voice making him stop. Has he done something wrong? Does Ildio suddenly just want to turn their relationship into business only? Does he want to leave the business and have nothing to do with Nicco anymore? His hands turn clammy, swallowing down a lump of anxiety. 

"Y-yes?"

"I uh… Listen, augh- dammit."

Ildio's stuttering just makes Niccolò feel much more nervous. Thousands of different things race through Nicco's head. Thousands of negative things. He tries to brace himself for whatever words Ildio is going to say. Unfortunately, Nicco knows that if Ildio says anything negative, it will most likely break him.

"...I wanna marry you."

Ildio pulls out the white velvet box, opening it up to show the ring to Nicco. Part of him doesn't want to see Niccolò's reaction. He doesn't want him to say yes because Ildio doesn't want to get any closer to this anomaly. He also doesn't want Nicco to say no, because honestly… Ildio wants to marry Nicco. If Ildio's being completely honest with himself, he's hopelessly in love with the man before him.

Nicco gasps, audibly gasps, a… a proposal? He can't believe his eyes. The ring is absolutely stunning, it looks uncannily similar to the ring that Nicco bought for Ildio. He looks up to meet Ildio's eyes from the ring; it feels like hundreds of butterflies fly from his heart. Ildio's eyes are warm, soft. The breath leaves Nicco in a rush. Niccolò is sure Ildio is a literal god, not a vampire. 

"I- the funny thing is…uh…"

Niccolò pulls the open black velvet box from his coat, showing the ring to Ildio. Nicco turns his head away from Ildio, not wanting to see his expression.

Ildio blinks a few times, looking at the gorgeous ring in Nicco's hands. He can tell immediately that it's the opposite version of the ring he purchased a few nights ago. Looking closer, Ildio can see some italian engraved into the ring. Since Niccolò knows italian, Ildio was able to know it immediately when they made their contract. "Mio Dio". It's a term that Nicco would use very affectionately towards Ildio. A term that Ildio doesn't agree with, but hearing those words from Nicco is, ironically, heavenly. 

"Jesus Nicco… This is beautiful. So, I'm guessing it's a yes?"

Niccolò laughs, nodding. He pulls the ring out of it's black box, gently sliding it onto Ildio's finger. Ildio mimics the action, both of them wearing the ring the other chose.

Ildio grabs Niccolò's tie, tugging him into a gentle, loving kiss.

[goblinconceivable]

braindump: betty/daniel

I’ve been living with them for a while, notes taken, a few stories significantly started but there’s a gelling issue, which I’m hoping is at least partially down to a lack of proper braindumping.  So, in no particular order and certainly not comprehensive:

Frankly I also got too hooked on the last 2 eps, which is likely where I’m blocked.  It’s an abrupt emotional twist for them (esp Daniel), and in trying to make sense of that I’m losing focus on the 4 previous years.

- I’m a little bit obsessed in the scene where Betty tries to convince Matt she’s fearless by pointing out her bang-less-ness.  And then runs into Daniel, who is at that moment half brain-washed, but yet when she asks about her fearless quotient his response is immediate and natural and entirely lacking in irony: “no bangs.”  It’s a tiny little moment that shows how well he not only knows her, but understands her.  Without judgment, without fanfare.  Were I to have a husband, this is the sort of response that would confirm I’d married the absolute perfect guy for me.

- They’re too close for mirroring to be an important indicator, but there are two scenes that stand out in this vein: the first is when Betty thinks he may have pushed Christina down the stares and steals the video.  She’s backing out the door, and he follows, matching her step for step.  I love the direction choices because from her perspective there’s a sense of menace, Daniel as potential villain is stalking her.  But from his guileless perspective he’s talking to her and if she’s moving, so is he.  The second is from the penultimate, talking about Trista, where Betty’s rolling back and forth and he moves with her, rather than simply turning his head.  It signals his full engagement in the conversation, seeking her attention, and is why the scene plays as flirting rather than their normal banter.

- That bulletpoint was getting a bit long, so second point on the flirting is that it plays against Betty shutting down the conversation “none of my business,” leading to the fight over involvement in each other’s personal lives, leading to the revelation that they know each other at that deep personal level so very, very well.  Which was a very clumsy leadup to Daniel’s revelation during Hilda’s wedding speech, that could have been handled so much more deftly but those last two eps were quite rushed, I don’t know when they found out about the shortened season but it feels like they’d planned for more space and had to jab in exposition.

- Becaaaaause: they narratively broke his ‘aha’ moment onto “know you better than you do” while the strength of the message is really in the “do anything to protect them.”  Which is, I believe, where they cut to his softened expression.  Not coincidentally, this is precisely what a lot of fan-readings of the characters focus on: Daniel will do anything to protect Betty.  Bobby might have said he’d throw himself under a bus for Hilda, but Daniel HAS done that for Betty- in fact literally doing so would probably have been easier than publicly shouldering the blame for the Tornado cover and giving away the profits.  Due to the fact that he had time to consider the consequences and did it anyway.

- Which is tidy segue into an admission that I’m flying mostly blind on the Molly arc because I basically skipped all her scenes, but it’s my understanding that Daniel doing this was a pivotal moment for them.  Ie, she was impressed that he did this thing.  I mean, I really appreciate that he spent the whole press conference scene looking for Betty, so the show in no way undercut their relationship.  But then they very clearly built the Molly relationship on the foundation of not only the man Daniel had become due to Betty, but choices he was making in large measure for Betty: it’s not that he saw Betty beaten down and resolved the situation: he was upset but lost, she yelled at him, and THEN he resolved the situation by taking the bullet.  Did I break grammar by ending up with two colon’d clauses in the same sentence?  It’s a braindump, ain’t gotta be pretty.  XP

- Quick sidebar that the same thing happens with Alexis.  She was expecting to come back to one brother, but then listens in on his pep talk with Betty and finds she’s returned to a different brother.  This may be where I got the “an assistant” phrasing, if so, my bad.  But basically, she was impressed with Daniel’s actions, not understanding that it was Betty specifically inspiring his actions.

- Follow that a step further and did Molly ever acknowledge how important Betty is to him?  Legit question.  I think her line here was about him doing it “for an assistant” (?) rather than even “his assistant,” establishing Betty as a non-entity for her.  (Quoting a summary but I think I’m in the ballpark.)  And I’m sure I’d have read about it somewhere if she brought Betty up during their discussion on who he’d date when she was dead.

- Just one last note on Molly, (okay it’s a multi-part though it veers off her as a character) but a possibly incorrect beef is that I hate the Daniel/Molly relationship because there’s no interesting or even real conflict?  It’s perfect?  I’m supposed to think this is magical “true love”?  Molly has apparently been engaged for years to a man she doesn’t really love (and um... that’s lazy not strong), and helps inspire a vengeance filled betrayal by her ex because she’s so awesome everyone loves her?  But she comes out squeaky clean because any emotional cheating on her part is balanced and thus “justified” by Connor falling for Wilhemina.  And then the only “conflict” is that she’s dying, and is perfect throughout it?  That’s...  weak.

-That poem thing WOULD have been an interesting point of conflict but it was resolved by Betty’s intervention, rather than within the relationship.  Which actually is an incredibly interesting beat.  The problem with that being it’s so entirely consistent with the role Betty plays in Daniel’s life that it’s treated as just another beat, as if it doesn’t MATTER that a fundamental moment of intimacy and growth of vulnerability in Daniel’s very important romantic relationship is a door opened by a third party.  There’s a strong argument to be made for something but I broke off to write the next point and now can’t remember what that strong argument is.  I might remember later.  It may have had something to do with Molly being a stepping stone in Daniel’s arc, but the cult-thing was so long and dominating that it didn’t work, it tied him too tightly for too long and coinciding with a loosening of his relationship with Betty there was flailing.

- Quick one: Daniel’s fast-forwarded and time-bounded relationship with Molly is the analog to Betty’s time-limited relationship with Henry.  Which is a discussion I would like Daniel and Betty to have.  Esp. noting that Betty and Henry had issues they worked through together (ice cream foreplay being one.)

- Player!  So going back to a happy place, when Betty’s on the phone trying to fix the apartment situation and the camera pans onto Daniel just leaning against the doorway: this may be a legitimate little moment of “squee!”  There’s so much denial in his laid back attitude at Player, but I still love watching how the informality of the environment reflects in the informality with Betty.  He gives her free reign, and there’s many answers to “why,” and I (almost) don’t want to go into them because I totally adore how this Daniel is basically a College!Daniel only he’s latched onto Betty, who, meanwhile, is just being Betty.  OMG how different his life would have been if he’d met Betty in college...

- Okay I actually don’t feel like going into whys, it’s just an arc to enjoy.  With a small mention of how he TOTALLY was playing with the MODE book and handed it to Betty knowing she’d understand and use it to get them back in.  Such a crazy subtle manipulation, to the point where I’m not sure it wasn’t almost entirely subconscious on Daniel’s part.

- The YETI recommendation letter.  What I love is that this is another time when Daniel fvcks up, but fixes it, and more importantly displays competence and ingenuity alongside authentic caring and effort.  Here’s the thing: YETI wanted Betty, even if it was just a quota thing (which it wasn’t entirely, at least one of the board was generally enthused.)  So all that was necessary was to have them re-label her as from Player.  Daniel knew this and did this.  And told Betty that.  BUUUUT that point was purposefully (by script and character) overshadowed by the gesture of the lengthy rec letter he put significant time into.  Whose real audience was... wait for it...  Betty.  He even did a second draft!  Which is more time and effort and a cleaner product.

-  Also flaking on her practice run.  I also enjoy how he (finally...) bounced back into the office clearly having forgotten her schedule, but having mentally shifted from Molly-space into Betty-space.  He’s enthused, he’s engaged, he’s sort of bantering and I’d like to see where that scene would have gone if she hadn’t immediately gotten the acceptance call.

- So there’s this moment somewhat early on, pretty sure when Betty’s taking the writing class, and wants Daniel to give her feedback.  And he’s all “why?,” coming from his “I don’t actually know what I’m doing” place.  She responds that he’s her friend and wants to know what he thinks.  And he does a little double-take at that word.  Because until that point Daniel totally sees Betty as HIS Friend, and they’ve referred to each other as friends, with a little “f,” and he believes that.  But it wasn’t until this moment that he even considered that HE might be HER Friend.  Presumably because he doesn’t believe he has anything to offer her, beyond the power he holds as EIC and her boss - ie, “here run this show” and other such responsibilities.

- Which is a recurring theme.  Pronounced on relationship stuff especially.  When she asks him for input on the Henry vs Gio situation, when she’s trying to date the playwright.  His response is always “I’m in no position to offer relationship advice/judgment on relationships.”  He sorta dodges the first and is permissive on the second.  I don’t know where to go with that so I’ll leave it (for now).

- When  he was supposed to be in Rio, Betty wasn’t even at MODE, she was working for the “enemy,” and he was sending her regular postcards?  First, they’d have been postmarked in New York and presumably with local stamps, so I’m not 100% on Betty not cottoning on.  But it’s super cute that he was thinking of her when he was incommunicado with literally everyone else.  Did he want her to figure it out (subconsciously)?  It’s an act of reaching out, but also of convincing: he’s created a fictional narrative of being in Rio, fed and embellished by the media and swallowed by coworkers, but it’s through Betty that he’s establishing the fiction in a definitive way.  He wants HER to believe it, because if SHE believes he’s there and having a good time, then he can believe it too, with a small piece of his imagination.

- Same convincing as in Player.  BTW, how did all those messages on her phone work?  He was 99% totally hiding the situation from her.  a) why wouldn’t he just call her from his phone, as he always did in the past?  b) he was creating another fictional space.  Where her “number” was literally on a post-it on his temporary assistant’s monitor.  It’s all play: “call Betty” happens many times, and every one is the act of doing it while knowing that he’s not really doing it.  c) Betty does not point out that he should have been confused he never heard back, or more to the point, that he never heard her voicemail message.  d) he was in a state of limbo waiting for her to come back, nothing is real until she does.  At which point there’s lovely dramatic tension since he both wants her to fix it and get them out of there, and wants to draw her into this new reality and thus make it feel viable.

- 100th Anniversary edition.  I love the idea that he’s hep on her writing his bio because he needs her name, at least, to be next to his.  His identity as EIC is predicated on her being his partner, and needs that shown, even if it’s functionally an “in joke” because it’s not like she can be featured.  In musing over his thoughts while flipping through the book right before deciding to quit, I usually come back to a realization of the transience of the role, but I want it to be a gutpunch of how he assumed, without being aware, that Betty would be next to him in picture, and that’s what they were heading for.

- I’ve actually got through most of my notes, so just a couple more.  Daniel is super impressionable.  He did what Becks told him to in the pilot.  He did what Natalie told him in the cult-situation.  Both against his better judgment - his look after Betty when he kicked her out for being “drama he didn’t need” - that’s the same look when he told her to clock out and was dragged off by the not-16-year-old.  I’m too tired to go check the pilot, but assuming similar look there.  He does what he’s told by anyone telling him to do something, but he WANTS to be rescued from the bad influences, who are so often so forceful.

- Final scene: okay so it turns out quick a lot of my thoughts are trying to understand Daniel.  His growth is blatant and deep.  So a second round will be more Betty-focused.  ‘Cuz I identify strongly with her and don’t have a lot of surface questions about her motivations, but I’m LOST on side of the romantic coin.  And plus she deserves a close look regarding how she grows during the series.

- I watched at least part of the reunion and very much like how AF answered the question of the final scene versus what EM says.  Because I think they each, as actors, see it from the perspective of their characters, which means it was played authentically and grants insight.  AF basically says that she saw it as Daniel coming to say thank you, and how it came down to Betty teaching him that he was good enough.  Which came across a little funny because her phrasing implied they’d never talk or see each other again or something and that’s an alarming finality.  But also implies that Betty really did see moving to London as a significant parting of ways, something that started as soon as she became an editor and their relationship changed.  Probably before.

- She then challenged EM as to why Daniel didn’t say goodbye (as if she didn’t know and hadn’t thought about it?  I’m guessing this was panel performance: asking the question “in character” and throwing the question to the other relevant actor.)  But anyway, EM’s answer was “Because things were just starting.”  Which is blatantly a shippy answer, and he even explains Daniel’s “revelation” as when he “really saw Betty for the first time through and through.”

- At some point in these things you’re like: oh but I thought of something else, and only stop when your brain falls asleep.

- I thought of something else.  And then I forgot it.  My brain is failing!  But not yet failed.

- After Betty gets her braces off there’s this scene near the end, at the shoot.  Daniel sees her and crosses quite purposefully to talk with her.  He wants to banter and share this exciting moment with her.  And the scene goes a little strange when Betty kinda goes “yeah, going now bye.”  I expected more eye contact, a big smile, more conversation.  That’s Betty.  That’s them.  But instead it’s a little awkward so Something Is Happening Here.  Is she self-conscious?  Did she see and hear something in Daniel’s look and comment right after she was detached from the bra and isn’t at this moment comfortable with him?  Is this all fallout from her dream in which she and Daniel slept together/he thought she was a bad person/rejected her only they chose not to explicate this/cut a useful scene/thought I’d get that right away but I’m obtuse?  I don’t think it’s the last one because while I can be horribly obtuse, I don’t think it was coded.  But that’s what the obtuse would say.

- At any rate they don’t pick up on it again, next scene (next ep) they’re back to normal.

- But Daniel does immediately chase after Amanda and let go of her.  Which is payoff for his convo with Betty earlier where she sort of disdainfully asks if he WANTS a more serious relationship with Amanda.  I did sort of wonder if he actually does, but Betty’s judgmentalness is what convinces him he doesn’t.  Usually I’d say Betty understands him so well she knows he doesn’t, but they’re not as close at this point, Betty is living her own life much more, so I dunno.

- But I don’t actually think Daniel was falling for Amanda, or that the show wanted us to think that was ultimately a viable path.  Because of that moment when he’s in a car, calls Amanda, says “I really need to see  you” and she turns him down.  It parallels his text to Betty when Molly died.  One text and Betty came over.  This was an actual distressed voice convo and Amanda doesn’t care enough about him to be there, which is really great development for Amanda even though we don’t see her!  She previously went after Matt when he was in jail, she’s interested in Tyler here, she’s not totally pining for Daniel!

- Daniel of course was using Amanda and their earned if mild emotional intimacy as a crutch, trying to fill the space Betty left.  Also note when Amanda turned him down for sex and he stayed to “hang out,” - this is not supposed to be an analysis of Amanda but I wanna note I like that moment because it felt like she was pleased to think she wasn’t just sex to him, while still being over him romantically. Because she does care about him.

- Or for pete’s...  I have this bad habit of writing notes which I later look at and am like... “huh?”  This is a fic idea, from Daniel’s POV: “Betty had moulded him, often by sheer force of her iron will, into being a man who almost deserved Molly.  And he'd turned right around and become a man who would never deserve Betty.”  And I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT THE SECOND HALF MEANS.  Specifically.

- Wedding dancing.  Happens twice.  Hilda’s wedding, we know what that is.  But at Daniel’s wedding.  I like that he wasn’t 100% Molly focused, ‘cuz, shipper.  And I know why the show had Matt cut in, because gotta keep things moving.  But isn’t it a thing that you don’t cut in on the groom/bride?  It’s their day.  Daniel just sort of nonverbally asks Betty if it’s okay (to leave her with Matt), but can’t help a) thinking he was a bit put out and b) want Molly to see his expression looking at Betty and have some sort of “aha” moment where she - do Molly and Betty have any scenes together?  I don’t remember seeing any and I think I did skim through all the eps, but I need to do that again.

- Ooh, one of the things I forgot en route!  I like that Betty has revolving love interests, because that’s textual argument for Betty never having feelings (romantic) for Daniel.  Which is super, super important in this iteration of the story.  There’s a couple moments - pilot and the first bridge scene - where she arguably has a momentary crush, which quickly settles into a developing platonic relationship.  

- Jump back to Daniel finally seeing Betty as a true equal = romantic feelings.  It’s a thing.  Look my brain is deteriorting and wording is hard!  So there’s two sided imbalance throughout.  Daniel always saw Betty with this veneer of youth, and a great deal of his use for her is helping her “grow into the woman she’ll be.”  And that’s the roadblock in him seeing her as a romantic possibility.  Which was initially quite awesome because he was sleeping with people younger than her, even the “she’s actually 20″ girl was younger than Betty.  And yet always saw her as in many ways more mature and competent than her.  And double-yet he still saw how much further she could, and would, grow.  His belief in her knows no bounds.

- Meanwhile Betty sees him as...  someone who’s also becoming.  Who has great potential.  Bullying him into it if necessary.  And because he’s guided by her, she can’t crush on him, he’s like her pet.  Were she to have a crush, much less fall for him, it would have been horrifying.  She needs to have a moment when she sees him as a true equal, someone who - look, everyone is always still growing so it’s not like he needs to be fully formed, and it’s a little murkier what the moment would look like when she finally sees Daniel “for the first time.”

- ‘cuz as noted, Betty has been there for pretty much every important moment of growth and crossroads in every facet of Daniel’s life.  Whereas Betty consistently had many things and relationships in her life Daniel was not involved in.  She’s always been way more self-reliant (not the word I wanted, is there one that starts with c?)  It’s why they did sort of need to peel away through a chunk of S4, because Daniel needed to learn to cope without Betty propping him up, because it’s like a Miranda-thing:

- “I don’t need Gary.  But I want him.”

- Daniel has to be able to be find without Betty before Betty can see him as a viable romantic partner.  She has to see something she never has before.  Daniel saw that the seedling he’d been protecting was not only strong enough to survive on its own had grown up and bloomed (process begun early in the season when he was being overprotective and she shut that down).  For Betty...  I guess Daniel...  ...  .....  it didn’t happen in the show.  As EM noted, for Daniel, the ending was the beginning.  Because his moment isn’t leaving MODE, that’s just the corresponding moment to Betty shaking him off.  His moment is further down the road when he puts into practice everything he’s learned and ...  something answered in fanfic because it’s spec and I’m tuckered.

[biblically-accurate-soup]

Let’s Talk About Endorsi

Endorsi Jahad: a simultaneously loved, yet mildly divisive character. I personally believe she’s a fascinating character with a well-defined personality, and also an incredible example of likable female characters who don’t have to be 100% pure in their motivations. In this post, I hope to take a closer look at Endorsi, her motivations, and her personal character arc.

The Backstory

Endorsi’s backstory is indicative of how she interacts with the members of the cast as a character. It is not a happy one, and it relates to her overarching character arc that develops throughout the story.

Endorsi starts with the murder of her parents and adoption into one of the Ten Great Families. However, this “adoption” was not out of generosity. They pitted young girls against each other at hopes of producing a Princess. This is where Endorsi spends who knows how many years, being told to fight against her sisters, or starve. Walk on the backs of others, kill your competition if necessary, or eat stale bread on the floor for the rest of your life and potentially be killed by one of your sisters. 

So she conformed to what was expected of her. She was brutal. She was cruel. But she survived, and she was chosen to be a Princess. One would think this could be a turning point in her life, but the Royal Family only continues to perpetuate the ideas forced upon her.

The Royal Family

The Princesses are a unique story element. It could be viewed as empowering at a first glance, talented young women being granted incredible power, but the Royal Family is oppressive, and not that dissimilar to what Endorsi went through to become a Princess in the first place. 

The Princesses are set up to fight against each other and antagonize one another. Princesses have killed each other in the past, yet no one batted an eye. It’s considered normal, this brutal competition between them all. While dialogue from Garam seems to indicate that the true nature of the Princesses, to potentially be a wife for Jahad, is not as commonly known in the present day, let the implications of that sink in. The original purpose of this system was to have talented young women potentially kill each other and the one left standing would have the “privilege” of marrying the king. Even worse is that this original agreement was never going to be upheld by Jahad in the first place, in the end literally making this a system of having powerful women fight each other. 

While not every Princess is openly hostile towards each other, they are used to uphold the contract each agrees to upon entering the Royal Family. As seen with Anaak Sr., the crime of marrying a man and having a child is punishable by death. Break the rules, and your “sisters” will hunt you down and execute you. 

As Endorsi says, she is “One of the many Princesses in Zahard's cabinet of display shoes.” She is a commodity of the King, free in-so-far as she doesn’t deviate too far from his will. Granted power in exchange for brutal, eternal rivalries. 

The Present

This brings us the Endorsi of the manhwa. Since her parents’ death, all she’s known is a life of brutal competition for survival. While things certainly got easier after becoming a Princess, they only did so marginally. Keeping in mind the backstabbing nature of the Tower in general, her actions make much more sense. For example, in the Name Hunt Station, she was in a horrible spot that she needed to get out of. Her actions are not excusable by any means, but are absolutely understandable given the past three-hundred years of her life. She did underhanded things to survive, to make it to the next day. 

However, Endorsi is slowly changing, which brings us to the next point.

Bam

I’m not an Endorsi/Bam shipper by any means, but the impact of their friendship on Endorsi as a person is incredibly important. I’d like to call back an old line said in the first season of the manhwa.

“I don’t believe in friendship between men and women.”

When I was reading, I groaned at this line. This line of reasoning makes no sense to me at all. Yet as the story continued, it became clear that this was not SIU’s belief, as there are many, many instances of friendships between men and women in the story. Endorsi herself, although she’d never admit it, is friends with Shibisu and Hatsu. So where does this line come from?

It’s quite obvious, when you put it into the greater context of the narrative. Endorsi and Anaak are around the same age, putting Anaak Sr.’s death into recent memory for the Princesses of Jahad. When Endorsi was selected to be a Princess, it’s not a stretch to think about the warnings she was told. “Don’t get too close to men. You saw what happened to someone who broke that rule.” Once again, for self-preservation, she wanted to keep men at a distance. Better to not get involved with men in any meaningful capacity in the first place. 

Which brings us back to Bam. You have Endorsi, forced into a narrative of survival of the fittest from a young age, and Bam, a sweet, kind of dorky kid who also happens to be really cute. And who won’t take “no” for an answer in regards to friendship. She lets him know about her bloody past, most likely in an attempt to scare him off, but it doesn’t work. That’s just who Bam is. It’s not too much of a stretch to imagine she’d develop feelings for him.

As for Bam, he barely knew what the Princesses were when he met Endorsi. There was no special treatment from him; she was just his friend, not a commodity or public figure. 

There within this lies the start of Endorsi’s character arc: to reclaim her agency. 

During season 2, Bam becomes firmly sided against Jahad. In season 3, this escalates into full on war. Endorsi is caught between two sides: her role as a Princess and her friendship with Bam. 

There’s no proof that Endorsi has any kind of respect for Jahad. Instead, the source of the conflict is fear. Going rouge is a death sentence for a Princess - she’d had as much hammered into her head after Anaak’s death. The Endorsi at the beginning of the story would have no conflict: ally with Jahad, keep her head down, and make it to the next day, her own thoughts and wishes be damned. However, she’s spent enough time in an environment where she was able to make choices for herself, to have a say in what she did with her life and who she allied with, that she puts up some resistance. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, she is breaking free from the influence of Jahad and her upbringing as she makes a choice that goes against everything she has been taught. To ally with Bam of her own volition, despite the danger it would bring to herself, is a huge step in taking control of her own destiny. 

So where will she go from here?

At this point, it’s hard to say how her character arc will flesh out, although I do have some predictions. I predict this will come to a head with Endorsi publicly turning her back on the Royal Family. Maybe not fully siding with FUG in the war, but refusing to be Jahad’s pawn in the war against her friend. However her and Bam’s relationship plays out, I believe his continued influence and respect for her as a person will help her be more proactive in making her own choices.

One of the themes of Tower of God is deciding your own fate. As has been said to Bam numerous times, destiny is something he chooses for himself. He does not have to “be a vessel for Arlene’s revenge” if he doesn’t want to. Endorsi finally taking back her agency she was stripped of and turning her back on what her family groomed her into would be a prime example of this theme. 

In conclusion: stan Endorsi x Therapy and a Supportive Environment

[andinewton]

Mixer-ed Emotions - Jealous!GavinxMC

Finally!

I know, I’ve taken days over this!  But it ran into 12 pages and took all day for me to reread it just to make sure it made sense!  I’m going to dedicate this to @voltagesmutter​ for listening to me tease sentences and quotes from it as I fought my own body to get any damn work done!

Mixer-ed Emotions

Jealous!GavinxMC (Emci)

Summary:  When you agree to make up numbers at a mixer you don’t realise Gavin is doing the same.  With misunderstanding after misunderstanding and some irritating attendees, will Gavin get to ask you his question when another man shows a lot of interest?

Warnings:  Swearing, threats, violence.

‘C’mon, Willow, do I have to?’  You whined, dragging your feet much like a child being taken somewhere they didn’t want to go.

‘Yes, you do.  You agreed to help me out.’  Your colleague glanced back at you with a stern look.

‘When I said I’d do this to help you out I didn’t realise you meant it was tonight!’

‘I wouldn’t have needed your help if it wasn’t short notice.’  Willow turned and linked her arm with yours, pulling you along.  ‘And you know there’s no commitment involved, you’re just making up numbers.’

‘But a mixer?  Seriously?’

‘I know you hate the idea but it’s for one night, you are under no obligation to either attend another or decide maybe you like one of the guys tonight and go home with him…’

‘I won’t be going home with anyone!’  You gasped, wide eyed at her suggestion.

‘Sure, okay, you won’t be going home with anyone.’  She shrugged with a smirk.  ‘Anyway, we’re here, and you’ll know more than just me so relax, you’re among friends.’

‘That’s what I’m afraid of.’  You muttered as she opened the door to the bar, the noise hitting you like a solid wall immediately.  With a sigh, you entered, hoping this evening wouldn’t be a bad as you imagined it could be.

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You had a large table at the back for the ten participants.  So far you knew Willow and Kiki, as well as two women from another company who you shared the office building with.  Three of the men were there and Willow assured you that the last two were only a block or two away, according to her phone waved at you when you pointed out you could leave as the numbers weren’t even.

‘Why would you want to go and leave now?  We just got here!’  The man seated opposite you was already a few drinks in and he showed no sign of letting up.  All you had established from his inane consistent drivel was that he was some hot shot in sales, had to turn down several women to make himself available for tonight, and that he loved himself almost as much as he loved the sound of his own voice.  You had so far nodded along with his stories but you really had hoped the other two guests having not arrived might be your chance to escape.

‘We did but if the numbers aren’t even it’s not exactly fair on the other girls, is it?  So if I leave then it’ll be one step closer to even.’

He leant in, breathing fumes all over you.  ‘Or we could both leave and visit this little hotel I know not far from here.’

‘Or we could not.’  You leant away from him as the door to the bar opened, showing Minor rushing through it and towards the table.

‘Sorry, Willow, my friend was running late.’  Minor grinned as he ran his fingers through is unkempt hair, his eyes meeting yours a moment later.  ‘Oh, hey, boss!  Didn’t know you’d be here!’

You narrowed your eyes, his words seeming to imply that perhaps he did, but what difference did that make?  You were knocked out of your pondering by the guy who loved himself tapping your arm.

‘So, are you actually the boss or is that some kind of honorary title because you’re bossy?’

‘Actually, I own the company.’  You gave him a deadpan stare.  ‘I am literally the boss to three people at this table.’

‘Ohhh, a ballbuster, huh?’  He nodded before taking another slug of his drink.  ‘Well, good luck to you, it’s a mans world out there and it’ll all be for nought once you get married and start popping out babies.  But I guess your husband could take over the business, probably make it more profitable too.’

‘We’re already profitable.’  You replied.  ‘And I have no plans to get married or have children in the foreseeable future!’

‘That all changes when you career women meet the right man.’  He laughed.  ‘Same story, every time.’

‘Sorry I’m late.’

Your open mouth full of some choice words snapped shut as you turned toward the new voice, seeing Gavin standing at the end of the table, looking sheepish and like he didn’t want to be there.  He didn’t seem to have noticed you yet and you wondered if it was too late for you to make a break for the bathroom and escape through a window.

‘Huh, new guy.’  The salesman slung his arm around the back of your seat territorially.  ‘Being late makes a bad impression.  Now, take me.  I was early, had a bottle of sake on the table ready for your arrival.  That’s husband material.’

‘Drinking half the bottle before anyone else gets here though, that’s not.’  You retorted but you were still side eyeing Gavin as he took his seat, one of the women from the other office shuffling closer to talk to him.

‘I’ll buy another.’  He snapped his fingers for the wait staff, finally leaning away from you and allowing you to take a breath of fresher air.

Your eyes were back on Gavin in seconds, like something drew you to him, and this time he was looking back at you, a mixture of surprise and horror on his face.  You guess you were the last person he was expecting to see here tonight.  The woman was talking to him animatedly but you could tell from the look on his face that he was only being polite, his eyes clouded over and his gaze just as dark.

‘Now we’re all here I’ll get our food brought out.’  Willow waved to the bar where the manager, apparently a friend of hers, acknowledged her with a smile and headed into the kitchen.  In minutes several platters of finger foods were delivered and arranged on the table within reach of everyone.  You were happy of the distraction and picked up a mozzarella stick, biting the end off while the guy continued to talk about himself.

Your mood had been bad enough before Gavin’s arrival but now it was worse, stolen glances his way showing the woman hand feeding him food from the platters.  Gavin wasn’t one for PDAs and he blushed easily, you could see the rose on his cheeks from here, but you were unsure whether or not it was from being embarrassed or because he was enjoying himself.  You huffed a sigh, just as you caught the last few words the man beside you.

‘Don’t you think?’

You looked at him while trying to hide your confusion, having no idea what you were supposed to be agreeing on.  ‘Will you excuse me for a moment?’  You got to your feet without another word and headed towards the bathrooms at the back.

‘Don’t be too long.’  He called after you and you rolled your eyes.  Never again, favour to a friend or not.

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Just as you reached the door you noticed the outdoor seating area and decided to detour.  You didn’t actually need the bathroom just an escape from the inane conversation…and Gavin being so damn happy with another woman.  You took a deep breath in through your nose of the cool night air but it did little to clear your head or heart.  You knew this was a stupid idea, you just hadn’t known how stupid.  Which was very.

‘Hey.’

You jumped as the voice of the very man you were thinking of spoke from the door, turning to see Gavin strolling towards you with his hands in his pockets, head lowered, a sheepish expression on his face.  You turned back around immediately, swallowing hard as so many emotions ran through you.  You didn’t want to see him, you didn’t want to see anybody, and even now you were considering scaling the fence and escaping this entire event.

‘Can we talk?’

Oh you hated that phrase.  It was never the start of a fun conversation, it never ended well.  ‘I don’t see that we have anything to talk about.’

‘Then rather than talk, just answer me one thing.  This is what you blew me off for?  Some mixer with random guys who could be anyone?’

‘I didn’t blow you off.’  You argued as you sensed him stop behind you.  ‘Willow asked me to make up numbers a couple of hours before you asked me to dinner and I’m not one to go back on a promise to a friend, no matter how stupid.’  You muttered the last to yourself.  ‘And what about you?  I ask for a rain check and you start food play with the first woman who looks at you?’

‘That’s not what…’

‘I don’t even care any more.’  You interrupted him mid sentence.  ‘I’m done for the night.’  Heading back towards the restaurant you half expected him to try and stop you, and when he didn’t you weren’t sure if you were disappointed or relieved.  You went to the table, grabbed your bag and jacket, telling Willow you would see her at work before leaving to calls asking where you were going from at least three people, one you were sure was the chatty show off.

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You pulled on your jacket as the first spots of rain fell from the sky, quickly turning into a deluge as you walked, wanting some distance between you and the restaurant, between you and Gavin and his little foodie friend.  You tried hailing a cab but they were all taken and that left you with no choice other than to walk to the nearest station.

You had almost made it when your arm was grabbed from behind and you spun, half ready for it to be a mugger, half ready for it to be Gavin, either way you were ready to swing your bag and cause as much damage as possible.  But it was neither one.  Yeah, of course it was that jerk from the mixer.

‘Where are you heading?’  He asked, drawing you to a halt as you stopped the progress of your bag swing.

‘Home.’  You stated firmly, proud that your voice held firm despite how churned up you felt inside.

‘I’m not going to say no to that offer.’  He grinned.  ‘I have a car parked not far from here.’

‘That’s not what’s happening here!’  You shook his hand off your arm.  ‘I am going home, alone, end of story.’

‘Don’t be a prude.’  He scoffed, catching your wrist with his hand in a firm grip you were unsure you could break.  ‘You’ve been coming on to me all evening and you aren’t leaving me with blue balls.’

‘Don’t flatter yourself!’  You swung your bag at him only to have your other wrist caught and wrenched behind your back with the other.  You suddenly found yourself very up close and personal with this douchebag with no way out.  ‘Get the fuck off me!’  You growled, but it only made his grin broaden, his eyes darken.

‘If I didn’t know better I’d think you’re getting a kick out of this.’  He closed the distance between you, his tongue protruding as he approached.

Your heart leapt in your mouth as fear dragged its cold fingers up your spine.  This wasn’t how you wanted tonight to go, none of it was, and you were beginning to wonder if you had been cursed from the minute you had to turn Gavin down.

‘If you want to keep that attached to your body you’d better rethink your entire position.’

You had never been so relieved to hear Gavin’s voice, the jerk before you freezing before looking back over his shoulder.  ‘This doesn’t concern you, pretty boy.  I’m just getting what I’m owed from this prick tease here.’

‘Emci is a lot of things,’ Gavin remarked casually as he slowly walked to stand parallel to the two of you, keeping his movements measured and cautious, ‘but that isn’t one of them.’

‘What do you know?’  He released one of your arms as he leant threateningly towards Gavin.

‘I know you have three seconds to get your damn meathooks off her before I make you.’

The man laughed, long and hard, as though this was the funniest thing he had ever heard, which gave you the opportunity to make eye contact with Gavin.  He nodded infinitesimally for you to side step away from the man as far as you could, and you were only too happy to oblige.

‘That’s your three seconds, junior, what are you going to…’

He didn’t get to finish.  A gust of concentrated wind hit him square in the chest, jarring his hand from your arm as he staggered back into a parked car.  You stumbled away from him and towards Gavin with his hand reaching towards you encouragingly.  The moment you reached him he had you close, his eyes never once leaving his target.

‘You okay?’

‘Been better.’  You nodded rapidly.  ‘But yeah, I’m okay.’

‘You son of a…!’  Your brief chatter was broken by the man dragging himself to his feet, drawing a knife as he did so.

‘You brought a knife to a mixer?!’  You yelled, not quite believing your eyes.  You could have been in a lot more trouble than you imagined.

‘That bitch is mine for the night and I’m not going to let a kid like you take her from me.’  He slashed out at nothing, almost a warning shot, Gavin backing you up a step to give you more distance.

‘See, that’s where we differ.’  Gavin replied.  ‘I don’t just want her for a night.’

‘Gavin, be careful.’  You warned him as he showed no signs of retreat.

‘I’ve got this.’  He assured you, keeping you one step behind him.

‘You’ve got nothing!’  The guy lunged forward the knife swinging through the rain, but his wrist was met by Gavin’s foot, the sound of the two meeting resonating loudly.  Whatever tough guy facade this guy had put on dissolved in an instant, the knife flying from his grip as he grasped his wrist, crying out loud like a wounded animal.

‘Okay, let’s get out of here.’

‘But what about him?’  You had been unable to take your eyes off the man until now, looking up at Gavin as he wrapped both arms around you.

‘I’ll get his details from Willow tomorrow.  He’s going to have to explain himself down at the station.’

‘But…’

‘No buts.’  Gavin interjected.  ‘I want you safe.’

You didn’t know how to argue with that and Gavin took your silence as permission, taking you both into the air on a wind that pushed the rain away from you.

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Minutes later Gavin set you both down outside your apartment building, following you inside in silence to ensure you got in okay.  You put your key in the lock and opened the door before turning to Gavin.

‘You should come in a dry off a bit.’  And, without waiting for a reply, you went inside.  Kicking off your shoes you headed to the bathroom and grabbed two clean towels from the shelves, draping one over your own head before going back out to find Gavin standing just inside the closed door.  ‘Here.’  You passed him the towel and headed into your kitchen, planning on making yourself a coffee to help calm your nerves which were even now causing tremors to run through your body.

You were leaning heavily on the countertop waiting for the coffee to drip through when Gavin spoke from behind you.

‘Are you okay?’

You sighed long and loud before replying.  ‘I don’t even know.’

‘You’re not hurt though?’  He must have stepped closer.  His voice was still low but it was nearer now.

‘Not physically.’

‘I know being attacked can be traumatising, you don’t have to be hurt for it to affect you.’

‘You think this is about that dick with his overcompensatingly large knife?’  You looked over your shoulder at him.  ‘Do you want a coffee?’

‘If you don’t mind, but you seem kind of…on edge.  If you’d rather I go…’

‘And you know what else?’  You spun on him.  ‘Why would you let that woman finger fuck you with food?  I happen to know she’s known as the office bike!’

‘Office…bike?’  He looked thoroughly confused by your statement.

‘Yes, the office bike!  As in everyone has had a ride!’

‘A ride…oh.’  Gavin flushed pink all the way up to his ears.

‘If you hadn’t come after me chances were you were onto a good thing.’  You took two mugs out of the cabinet, fixing them automatically to how you both liked it.

‘I wouldn’t call that good.’  Gavin winced.  ‘And what about you?  Listening all doe eyed to a knife wielding maniac all night?’

‘Doe eyed?’  You glared at him.  ‘I was zoning out, he was so boring!’

‘Well, I was force fed so much food I almost gagged!  It’s not my idea of a good time!  I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight and ask you to be my girlfriend!’

‘Pass me the milk!’  You all but screamed it at him, not knowing how else to react to what he had just said other than to finish making the drinks.

‘Here!’  He slammed it down on the countertop beside the cups and for some reason that broke you.

You sputtered a laugh, bowing your head as you tried to keep it in, shoulders shaking with the effort.

‘Emci, I’m sorry.’  Gavin spoke rapidly.  ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, please don’t cry.’  His hand fell on your shoulder and you finally looked up at him, you face a barely kept grin.

‘We are such idiots, Gavin.  Stupid, stupid idiots.’  You shook your head.  ‘If I’d known you wanted to take me out I would never have agreed to stand in for Willow, and if I had known you were going to be there tonight I’d have paired off with you.’

‘Maybe then you could have hand fed me.’  He asked tentatively.

‘And I wouldn’t have an asshole draw a knife on me.’

‘But then he might have cornered some other girl.  At least this way he’s getting reported.’

‘That’s the bright side you’re getting out of this?’  You looked up at him in disbelief.  ‘I just told you I’d rather be with you, and you said you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend, and something about wanting me for more than just a night?’

Gavin flushed cutely as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously.  ‘I might have said something like that.’

‘Something like that or that exactly?’  You pushed.

‘That exactly.’  Gavin’s blush darkened a few shades.  ‘You aren’t making this easy, are you?’

‘And the whole asking me to be your girlfriend thing?’

‘After tonight I’m not as sure as I was that you’ll say yes.’

You stepped forward and brushed his wet bangs aside.  ‘Why don’t you try me?’

‘Now?’  His eyes went wide.

You shrugged.  ‘I’m all ears, if there’s something you want to ask.’

‘Right.’  He cleared his throat before taking both of your hands in his.  ‘I had this whole speech prepared for how to ask you but I have totally forgotten it, so, here goes: Emci, I’d really like it if you’d consider becoming my girlfriend.’

‘Huh.’  You nodded as he looked at you expectantly.  ‘To the point, sweet, very you.  Having considered it, as you suggest, I would have to say…’

‘Please, Emci, don’t leave me hanging.’  He begged.

‘Umm…yes!’

‘Yes?’  Gavin looked at you in disbelief, his face splitting into a grin when you nodded.  ‘That’s…amazing!  So great!  Can I…can I kiss you?’

You nodded happily and his hand came up to caress your cheek, thumb brushing over your cheekbone as his lips drew closer to yours.  Your heart raced, your pulse loud in your ear.  The butterflies in your stomach took flight as his lips…pressed softly to your cheek.

You looked up at him in surprise as he leant back again, his cheeks redder than you had ever seen them.

‘I don’t want to rush you.’  Was the noble sentiment that came out of his mouth, but that wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

‘Oh, Gavin.’  You sighed, before stepping into his personal space, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, and pulling him down for a long, slow kiss.  As you came away from one another you kept your eyes closed for a moment, savouring the tastes and sensations of Gavin’s lips, sighing contentedly as you opened them again.  ‘Totally worth almost getting stabbed for.’

‘Nothing is worth that, and I’m going to teach you some more self defence.  My girlfriend needs to be able to protect herself when I’m not around.’

‘Your girlfriend.’  You pondered it a moment.  ‘You know, I could definitely get used to that.’

Gavin pulled you closer once more, ducking his head for another kiss.  ‘Me too.’

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You were woken early the next morning by the text tone on your phone.  Reaching out you grabbed it and dragged it into the blankets with you, squinting at the bright screen.

Willow:  Well, you were right!  You didn’t leave with anyONE from last night, you left with two!

You still felt warm and fuzzy from Gavin’s goodnight kiss on your balcony and you couldn’t muster the anger you held last night.

MC:  Yeah, and one of those two ended up in jail.

Willow:  Wait, jail?  What happened?!

MC:  We’ll talk at work on Monday.

Willow: 😬

Checking the time, you nuzzled back into your pillow.  Gavin was meeting you for lunch, but until then, you could stay contentedly snug and relive the best parts of last night.

[love-and-monsters]

Wyvern Prince 20

M wyvern X F human, 3,060 words

Returning to the servant’s quarters wasn’t something that could be avoided forever. The next morning, it became clear that as much as you didn’t want to, you at least needed to get a change of clothes.

People looked at you. Stared. Whispered. They seemed to cut you a wide berth, too, as if worried about getting too close.

You had expected it, but that hadn’t really made it any easier.

At least, you had expected that the servants would be unsettled around you. To them, you were no longer on their level. You had more power than they did and getting too close to you meant that, if they offended you somehow, you could make them lose their jobs. You probably would have done the same.

What you had not expected was the amount of disdain you received from the nobles.

For a couple of days, it wasn’t apparent. You didn’t spend much time with nobles except for Davrakoss. But on the day of his lunch with the Queen, you noticed.

As was standard, you were not allowed in the room with them while they ate. But you were required to accompany Davrakoss, so you stood outside and waited.

Being in the main portion of the castle meant that you were privy to seeing the passing of other nobles. A good number of them ignored you. But a good number of them also looked at you.

Well. They didn’t look at you. They glared. As soon as they recognized you, their expressions would turn sour. Some of them sneered. Others turned their noses up dismissively.  Most of them looked at you like you were a cat who had dropped a mauled bird on their shoe.

In retrospect, it should have been obvious. You were no longer on the level with other servants. Getting into a relationship with Davrakoss had pulled you above your station. But you were still beneath those who had been born nobles. And even trying to move above your station was a threat to them, a sign that the lower class was getting too uppity for their own good.

The door slammed open and Davrakoss stormed out.

For a second, you almost thought the storm was literal. His rage seemed to radiate out from him like a heat shimmer. He was still in his human form, but the way his lips pulled back over his teeth, the way his tail lashed, the way his eyes burned- he seemed much more like a wyvern.

One of his hands locked around your upper arm and he dragged you away. It wasn’t a painful grip, and he wasn’t dragging you so fast that you had to run to keep up, but his pace was steady and he was holding onto you firmly.

“Davrakoss, what is happening?” you asked. He growled, low in his chest. “Hey! Hey. Tell me what happened.”

He slowed a little and his hand loosened ever so slightly on your arm. You had marched into a more secluded section of the castle, so you were alone. “What happened? Did you just storm out of lunch with the Queen?”

Davrakoss took a deep breath. It was unsteady. He took another. Then another. Then his golden-orange eyes closed and he sagged a little.

“I don’t like humans,” he said. Despite his anger, his voice was oddly light. His eyes opened a crack. “Present company excluded, of course.”

“What happened?” you insisted. He let out a long sigh and leaned back against the wall. His tail curled at your feet.

“She had a proposal for me,” he said. The anger had faded, judging by his tone. Underneath that, he seemed flat, affectless, like he was still trying to process what had happened. “And I do mean that literally. A proposal.” He looked at you steadily and a hint of anger crept back into his voice. “She wants me to marry.”

You opened your mouth, your stomach dropping to somewhere around your knees. “Oh.” This shouldn’t have been unexpected, but you felt utterly blindsided by it. It took you’re a moment to readjust. “And you just stormed out?”

Davrakoss’ eyes narrowed. “I expressed my… displeasure with the idea. She insisted. I left.” His voice was clipped and cool.

“That wasn’t the best idea,” you said as tactfully as you could manage.

“I am not getting shackled to marriage because it fits a queen’s agenda,” Davrakoss said. “That’s not what wyverns do.”

“You’d only be married for however long your partner lived. They’re not going to live as long as you are.” An odd expression flickered over Davrakoss’ face, but it smoothed over within a second.

“Regardless. I’m still not marrying because it is useful for the queen.” He folded his arms over his chest, a look of disdain on his face.

You rubbed your forehead. This wasn’t a great position to be in. You wanted Davrakoss to stay with you, of course you did, but if the queen was angling for some kind of political marriage, then there might not be much of a choice. And if it was a choice between Davrakoss staying with you or political friction with the wyverns that could eventually turn into a war… There was only one path that you could morally choose.

“And if it was the only way to brook a more permanent peace?” you asked.

Davrakoss’ frown deepened. “There are always other options,” he said. “Treaties. Signing papers. Humans like that sort of stuff.” He shook his head. “I will not marry for politics. I will not marry a human I do not know. It is idiocy. Peace can be attained another way.”

You let out a slow breath. “You need to go and smooth things over with the queen, at least.”

Davrakoss shook his head slightly. “She is aware of my position. I am not going to weaken it by returning.” His voice slipped into a growl at the end of the sentence and you realized that, as calm as he was behaving, he was still pissed. His tail twitched back and forth with suppressed rage and his fingers clenched. “I need a break from this.”

“A break,” you repeated.

“We already have an appointment with my parents. Let’s move it up a few days,” Davrakoss said. “Go pack. Meet me in my room.” You gave him an uncertain look. “I can also consult with them on the best course of action to take for this. Trust me, I know my position at least well enough that the queen won’t immediately declare war. We’ll both be consulting.” He took your hands in his, stroking his thumbs over your knuckles. “We both need time away from here. So, get your things.” He released your hands and gave you a nudge.

You left, hurrying down the hall and to your quarters. Packing took less than thirty minutes- you just grabbed the clothes you thought you would need. As you did, though, you realized Davrakoss hadn’t told you how long you were going to be staying. Ah well. There would probably be a local lake or river where you would wash your clothes off or something.

Davrakoss was in the middle of packing when you returned to him. He seemed calmer, the tightness and anger in his eyes faded. He smiled in relief when he looked at you. “I’ve got us a carriage.” He shot a forlorn glance toward the window. “What I wouldn’t give to be able to fly right now. But I don’t want to be shot down.”

“I don’t either,” you said. Davrakoss folded a few more items of clothing and placed them into his suitcase. “Why are you bringing so many clothes? Aren’t you going to be in your wyvern form most of the time?”

“I assumed you would prefer me in this form,” Davrakoss said, gesturing broadly to himself. “Was I wrong?”

“I like you in both forms,” you said. Davrakoss smiled, looking surprised, but pleased.

“I’m grateful,” he said, “but it is a little easier to interact when I don’t have to worry about squishing you.”

“You’re not that big,” you said. His head was roughly the size of your torso, which was large, but not so large you imagined he could kill you and not even notice.

Davrakoss placed the last outfit into his suitcase and snapped it shut. “It’s still easier,” he said. “Are you ready to go?”

You nodded. Davrakoss hefted his suitcase and crossed to you, taking your hand in his. “Then we’ll be off.”

The carriage was waiting in the courtyard. A servant opened the door and you automatically stepped back to allow Davrakoss in first. He entered, then turned and offered you a hand to help you inside.

The inside of the carriage was as small as usual, but it was a more comfortable closeness this time. Your knees brushing was a friendly touch, rather than a sign that you were too close together for a proper servant-prince relationship. Davrakoss sat awkwardly, trying to fold his tail into a better position. “I will never be completely comfortable in these things,” he said.

“They weren’t made for wyverns,” you said.

“Certainly not,” he sighed. His eyes closed, a little wrinkle forming between his brows. You were struck with the sudden urge to touch it and smooth it out.

The carriage rattled on, shaking slightly when it hit bumps or divots in the ground. Davrakoss looked like he was trying to sleep, but he shifted uncomfortably whenever the carriage jostled.

“Are you trying to sleep?” you asked him. His eyes fluttered open and he sighed.

“I am. Well. I am trying to rest. It’s a bit of a flight and I haven’t had a lot of practice recently. I want to make sure I can make it in one shot.” The carriage jolted and his tail smacked awkwardly against the wooden wall. Discomfort contorted his expression.

“There might be a more comfortable position,” you said, feeling a little brave. Davrakoss looked at you questioningly. “Come here.”

He stood, slightly stooped so his head didn’t hit the ceiling. You scooted over to one side of your seat and gestured for him to lie down next to you. He did so, turned so his tail dangled off the seat and onto the floor. His legs were folded a little uncomfortably, but his head rested in your lap. His horns dug into your legs, all sharp and bony, but it wasn’t too uncomfortable. You stroked some of his hair back, pulling it away from his face.

He sighed, tension seeping from his shoulders. His tail relaxed, tapping against the floor. “This is more comfortable,” he said. You kept tracing your fingers across his scalp, playing with his soft hair. It was fun to loop it around his horns, preventing it from falling into his face.

His face relaxed into stillness and his chest started to rise and fall evenly. He looked almost ethereal in sleep; there was something both inhuman and beautiful in his expression. With a finger, you traced the plains of his face, stopping when he let out a contented sigh and nestled into your lap.

One of his hands tightened around your dress. It was the only part of him that wasn’t relaxed.

You let him stay on your lap, even as your legs started to go numb and cramps from sitting in the same position for too long started to creep up your lower back. His tail occasionally flicked in his sleep like a cat’s, but other than that, he seemed content not to move either.

When the carriage finally came to a stop at the edge of human territory, you nudged him awake. He yawned, showing off how sharp his teeth were before sitting up and stretching his limbs. “Thank you,” he said warmly. “That was one of the better sleeps I’ve had in a long while.” He stood up and offered you his hand.

You took it and your legs took their revenge for staying in the same position for too long. They cramped and you wobbled, Davrakoss only barely preventing you from falling over.

“Are you all right?” he asked, hooking an arm around you to hold you up.

“Fine! My legs just cramped,” you said hurriedly. Davrakoss took the majority of your weight, one hand falling at your waist. The warmth of his hand there made your face heat up. The tail brushing over your leg didn’t hurt either.

He eased you out of the carriage and waved off the driver. You took a few careful steps, stretching the last of the stiffness out of your legs.

“Ready to go?” Davrakoss asked as the carriage pulled out of sight.

“Give me a few minutes,” you said, bending your legs. “I’ll be sitting for a while again. I want to prevent any cramps.”

He nodded seriously. Despite the calmness of his expression, you could see his tail swishing rapidly back and forth over the ground. His claws scratched along the edges of his sleeve, threatening to undo the binding.

“Is there something bothering you?” you asked. You had been aiming for casual, but you hadn’t quite made it. Davrakoss blinked at you, eyes fire-bright.

“You know me too well,” he sighed after a moment. “Though I suppose it’s what drew me to you.” His nails didn’t stop working at the hem of his sleeve. “I had… a dream.”

You nodded, trying to spur him on. He licked his lips. “It reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Something that you… mentioned in passing earlier.”

He fell silent. One of the stitches on his hem had snapped and he’d started pulling at it, gradually yanking more stitches free. You wracked your brain but you weren’t sure what you had mentioned that would have worked its way into his dreams.

“I’ve been trying not to think about it,” he continued. “But I’m realizing that’s not useful. So, it’s something we’ll have to discuss sooner or later.”

You had the distinct impression he was trying to avoid actually saying what he was thinking by talking around it. “What is it?” you prodded. He sighed and settled down on one of the logs nearby. You sat next to him.

“You mentioned that if I were to get married, I wouldn’t need to spend my whole life with them. They would die before I would.” He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. His pale throat bobbed as he swallowed. “But you are also a human. You won’t live as long as I will.” He dropped his head, gaze landing on the ground. “Eighty years. That’s about how long humans live. If they’re in good health. Wyverns live to about three hundred. We’re not going to age at the same rate. And you’re going to die before me.”

“I figured that,” you said.

“And you’re all right with that?” Davrakoss said.

“I think so. I mean, I’m not happy with it. But it’s going to be harder for you than me, isn’t it?”

“I suppose that depends on what you mean by harder. I’ve been trying not to think about it. About the fact that I’m going to have to-” He broke off with a gulping noise and finished more quietly. “I’m going to have to watch you die. But it’s not fair to go into the relationship without at least talking about it.” He leaned against you, pressing his shoulder to yours. “I love you. I want to be with you as long as possible. Even if it’s not as long as I live.”

“I love you too. Even if you age slower than I do.” Davrakoss smiled, but it still didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You’re sure about this?” he asked. “I’ll look young when you don’t. Eighty years is barely a third of my lifespan. I won’t look that much older than I do now. It might be difficult for you.”

“I know you won’t age the same as I will. But it still seems like it’s going to be harder for you. Are you sure that you’re all right with me getting older when you don’t? About getting attached to someone who’s going to die sooner than you will?”

Davrakoss took a deep breath and leaned in to touch your foreheads together. “I’m already terribly attached to you. It’s just a matter of how much time we spend together. And I want it to be as long as possible. Even if it won’t be for my entire life.”

He closed the space between your lips in one swift motion. A hand settled on your waist, another on the back of your head. For your part, you were clinging to him, fingers twisted in the front of his shirt.

The kiss deepened, Davrakoss’ grip tightening on you. His tail twitched back and forth behind him as he pressed himself more firmly against you. There was barely any space between you, so tightly were you locked together.

“Every minute we spend together is precious,” Davrakoss gasped as he pulled his mouth away from yours. “I’m not going to let any time slip away.”

You panted, nuzzling your face into his neck. “I love you,” you whispered, close to his ear, and you felt him shiver.

“Okay,” he said, pulling back with obvious reluctance. “Okay. We should probably get going. Before you convince me to stay here all night.”

He retreated a few steps, then shifted into his wyvern shape. He took a few careful steps, testing his limbs before he looked over to you.

You approached slowly. His scales gleamed under the dappled sunlight filtering through the leaves and his bright yellow-orange eyes provided a sharp contrast to the green. He watched you as you walked toward him. Your fingers trailed along his side, tracing the smooth scales. “You are beautiful like this,” you said. Looking into his eyes, the idea of being afraid of him seemed absurd. It was Davrakoss, and the tenderness in his eyes let you know that he would never harm you and never allow anyone else to either.

You carefully climbed onto him and settled down close to his warm back. “Okay. I’m ready.”

He took a few steps forward and, with a whoosh of wings and wind, he launched himself into the air.

[benkouji726]

Written for alexweek2020. Sequel to “Settled”, but can also be read as one-off. ...I think.

Anyways, “Settled” is based on meet ugly prompt 2: I bought a house three months ago but I’m finally moving in and discover you’ve been squatting because you’re homeless.

Spoiler alert: they ended up living together! And none of them are aliens! Jesse died in the previous work, so all is well...ish.

Home can be a person

They’d been living together for a month now, and Alex still knew nothing about Michael Guerin.

OK that wasn’t entirely true. He knew plenty. Because one, he was a military man, his livelihood depended on his observation skills. And two, their schedules somehow synced perfectly, and after a week of awkwardly bumping each other in the kitchen and waiting turns to use the bathroom, it was simply easier if they just worked out a systematic plan to build their lives around each other, which led to divided chores, respected bathroom routines and shared meals. And when two men spent that much time together, they had no choice but to have conversations, which were really not that hard, because they clicked like magnets and they actually enjoyed spending time together.

So Alex knew plenty. Both from his observations and their conversations. But it was not like Guerin volunteered personal informations, and even he did, it was always surface stuff, so it didn’t really count. Like he knew Guerin was a mechanic, who was really good at his job. So good that he even opened his own auto shop the second year into the business. And based on what Alex saw, money was not exactly an issue for him. Which frankly didn’t match up with his squatting life style, not to mention he owned a perfectly functional airstream, but that topic was always brushed aside.

Alex also knew Guerin had two siblings, who moved away a year ago. They were both married, and apparently lived nearly enough that they did a weekly get together. Guerin would join them via FaceTime, they would laugh and talk, and Guerin seemed so happy when they did this, which did not explain why he was always a little sad when they were done. But again, not to be talked about.

Sometimes Alex would be impressed by Guerin’s topic changing skills. Granted, his go-to move was more often than not flirtation, but it worked like a charm on Alex, so whatever got the job done, right? And rationally, Alex knew he should be grateful, because Guerin was a surprisingly pleasant roommate. He was good company, he wasn’t nosy, he did VERY good repair work around the house, his cooking skills were better than Alex’s, and he slowly became the reason why Alex was looking forward to going back home after a day’s work. And truth be told, Alex wasn’t exactly an open book himself, so he should just respect Guerin’s boundaries and enjoy their easygoing companionship.

But he just couldn’t.

34 days into their co-living arrangement, Guerin came home, visibly upset. It was Alex’s day to make dinner. So he ignored Guerin at first to finish the lasagna. But when he was putting together a cob salad, he heard Guerin throw his tool box on to the floor, and caused a loud clang.

Guerin NEVER threw his tool box.

“What’s got into you today?” OK that was a little harsh. But in his defense, Alex was kind of tired of asking “are you ok” at that point, because he always got a “just dandy” and a too-big-to-be-genuine smile in reply.

Guerin shut down immediately, threw on a well-practiced smirk, and said: “Nothing. Unless you are up for the job?”

And just like that, Alex snapped.

He got up, got his keys, and left the house.

It was when he sat in his car, had no idea where he’d go, he realized that he didn’t even bring his wallet and phone, which was just stupid.

The whole thing was stupid.

He knew he had no right to feel angry and hurt. They didn’t have that kind of relationship. Guerin didn’t owe him anything.

But he had felt their connection the first time they’d met, and it was there ever since. He thought Guerin felt it too.

Apparently he was wrong.

He came back two hours later, because he needed that time to work out an apology and also to learn not to be this naive again. When he got home, Guerin was sitting at the kitchen table, seemingly lost in his thoughts, lasagna in front of him, cold and forgotten.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier, it was really none of my busi...” He began but was cut by Guerin mid-sentence.

“I didn’t eat”.

“...OK? Were u not hungry or was the lasagna that bad?”

Guerin looked up at him then. His eyes big, voice raw.

“I didn’t eat because it felt wrong.”

He looked back down at the lasagna.

“After you left, I was angry at first. Because fuck you, you know? I don’t owe you anything.”

“Yes, Guerin, I know, I was trying to apologize...”

Guerin continued as if not heard him at all.

“And then I got up to help me some food, man’s gotta eat, and frankly, lasagna is like, the only food you can make right. So I got myself a plate, and I sat down. Normally at that point, you would begin to nag me about eating some salad or drinking some water first, but then I looked up, and you were just, not there.”

He looked up again. All open and bare.

“So yeah, maybe it was not your business, but it was also wrong of me to assume I didn’t want it to be.”

They stared at each other. Both at lost what to say next. Eventually, Alex sat across the table, reached out, and squeezed Guerin’s hand.

“You reheat the lasagna, I’ll finish making the salad. And we’ll eat. OK? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, you didn’t even bring your wallet. I mean, dramatic much?”

“Shut up, Guerin.”

They didn’t talk about why Guerin was upset that night, but it was OK.

—————————

Things got better after that. They talked now, not just making conversation. Alex learned that Guerin had been in the system for a long time. His siblings, Max and Isobel, were actually not related to him. They had been just best friends in group homes, until they were adopted by the Evans, while Guerin went through many terrible foster families. They were united at the age of 15, when Guerin’s new foster home brought him to Roswell, and they had been inseparable ever since.

“That was, until Max decided to marry someone in LA, and moved there. And then Isobel’s husband also got a job in LA, they moved soon after. So it was just the same old me, again.”

They were at the fire pit in front of Guerin’s airstream, which he still wasn’t using, except sometimes he would go in there and do God knows what, they still didn’t reach the subject why he had been squatting yet. Alex suspected it had something to do with his issues with his siblings moving away, like the bitterness in his voice now had.

“Well, you’re literally sitting next to me now, so not exactly the same, you know?”

Guerin startled, and looked over at Alex with something like hope mixed with fear in his eyes. Alex stared right back, because at this point, he really wasn’t interested in pretending that they didn’t mean something to each other. And he hoped Guerin would drop the “I’m a lone wolf and I don’t care” act too, at least when he was with him.

Whatever Guerin saw on his face, seemed to satisfy him. He smiled, the kind of smile that reached his heart and soul, and said,

“You trying to hold my hand now, private?”

And they did.

—————————

Alex woke up in screaming. Next thing he knew, he was in Guerin’s arms.

He didn’t remember the dream. But he could easily guess the content. It was always the same. Bomb, blood, cries, he looked down, his leg was gone. Sometimes his father was there, sometimes he wasn’t. Either way, he felt his presence.

Normally, after he woke up from such a dream, he would do some breath exercise, get up, get some water, and didn’t even try to sleep again. But tonight, Guerin was right there, humming something like a lullaby, and rubbing soothing circles on his back. He didn’t say anything, or ask how he was doing, just held him and gently rocked him.

At some point, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour later, they lied down, together on Alex’s bed. Guerin’s hand slowly reached down, until he touched his stump. He rubbed it once, twice, and then he just stayed there.

Alex fell sleep.

——————————

Friday movie nights became some sort of tradition between them. They would finish their work, meet at the house, grab something to eat, and then drive to the drive-in theatre. Alex liked those nights, hell, he cherished those nights.

So he was very irritated when some shitty client just didn’t know what it meant to demand something WITHIN REASON, and he had to cancel their movie night via a short text. He was even more irritated when said client walked out in the last minute, so his previous work was totally wasted. Plus his new prosthetic was giving him trouble all day. Safe to say he was not in the greatest mood.

When he got home though, he was met by Guerin’s soft smile and homemade dinner. By the time they finished eating, he felt more or less like human again. Then Guerin gave him a dessert, told him to rest a bit on the sofa, and disappeared in the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, he pulled Alex into the bathroom, where he already drew a bath for Alex.

He even lit some candles.

All of a sudden, Alex wanted to cry, except he hadn’t cried in ten years.

So he let out a shaky breath, buried himself in Guerin’s arms, and asked a stupid question.

“Why did you do all this?”

Guerin held him, shifted somewhat awkwardly, and said in a quiet voice.

“You spelled ‘bail’ wrong.”

Of all the answers, THAT was not what Alex expected.

“What?”

“Your text. I guess you meant to say you had to bail on our movie night. But you spelled it ‘ball’. Auto correct or something. And you never spelled wrong. So I figured, you must be exhausted.”

At that, Alex just HAD to kiss him.

—————————

They visited Greg together on a Saturday morning.

At the drive home, Alex was awfully quiet.

Michael didn’t ask. He made coffee. He fetched a blanket. He sat beside Alex on the sofa, and began to read his monthly mechanic magazine.

Alex talked before he decided he wanted to.

“My father was a piece of shit. And out of my three brothers, Greg is the only decent one. But when we were kids, he didn’t know how to protect me or stand up for me, when my father beat the shit out of me.”

Michael dropped his magazine, and silently held his hand. And Alex decided he wanted to keep talking.

“I wanted to make music. He sent me to war. Frankly, war wasn’t even a worse choice than my so called home. It just wasn’t a better choice either.”

“I never felt I belong anywhere, not at home. Not at war. I bought the house because Greg asked me to, because he was the only one who reminded me a shred of the ‘home’ concept. But today, seeing him with his family, I realized, he is my family, but he is not home.”

“I still don’t belong.”

He hadn’t cried for ten years. He didn’t want to begin now.

Expect the hands wiping his tears were so gentle, he couldn’t seem to stop.

“I was offered a great job opportunity in New York, when I finished my study at UNM. But four years apart from Max and Isobel were tough enough that I decided to ditch that and move back.”

“I never felt I belonged, too, what with the fucked up system and shitty foster homes, except when I was with them. So I clung to them, a little bit desperately. When they moved away, I felt betrayed, left out and abandoned. I didn’t want to live in my airstream anymore because it felt like a fantasy I built, just to fool myself into thinking I could have followed them anywhere in it, because they were my harbor. But then they were gone, so I decided I wasn’t supposed to settle in anywhere, and that’s when I began to squat in people’s not lived in houses. Because they are just like me, you know, abandoned.”

“Until you invited me to live with you.”

They held each other a long time after that.

—————————

The email came on a Wednesday morning, and Michael was on the plane that very night to LA, because Liz was going into labor and Michael would become an uncle.

He asked Alex to come with him, but he was caught up at work so he just couldn’t make it.

They called each other every day though, Michael showed him so many baby pictures he even dreamed about it one night. He was vibrating joyful energy and Alex was happy for him.

Then on the fourth night since he was gone, he called Alex, hesitation evident in his voice.

“Liz pulled some strings at her university. And they offered me a job here.” He said, without so much as a hello.

Alex felt the world shook for a moment. Then he blinked, and the house seemed the same, intact, but somehow much quieter, and larger.

“I’m happy for you.”

An exhale.

“You are happy for me.” Michael repeated, slowly.

Alex shut his eyes. He thought of all the times Michael looked at the photos of the three of them, and all the times he seemed to be lost after he ended their phone calls, and he opened his eyes again.

“They are your family.” He said simply.

Another exhale.

“Yeah, they are.”

Silence.

After three minutes of nothing else, Alex hung up.

——————————

Michael came back on Tuesday afternoon.

Alex had not been sleeping well, or eating properly, so at first he thought he might be dreaming or something.

But there he was, clearly not been sleeping well, or eating properly himself, eyes glaring with fond anger.

“You are a dumbass, you know? You’re just gonna give me up like that?”

Alex refused to back down.

“It’s not giving up. You always wanted a family, a home. I don’t wanna stand between you and your opportunity of that.”

Michael shook his head, sighed, and pulled Alex into his arms.

“You still don’t understand, do you? They are my family, true. But YOU are my home.”

And there, stood in his embrace, Alex finally understood.

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on TRFTP Book 1 Chapter 16

• Remember how I dubbed the book The Royal Fast-Track Pregnancy last chapter? Well, yeah. That’s my title for this book from now on.

• If you don’t want to see these posts on your dash, here are the tags to block: #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, #trh qt reblogs, #long post.

• We’re now in the MC’s third trimester, celebrating her baby shower. Her in-laws show up, she gets gifts, she barely notices that her corgis have had puppies (but why am I surprised, this is the same MC who didn’t care enough about her corgi in Book 2 to notice he was with Liam to help with his proposal). And a couple of nosy royals come to visit.

• Over here in India, we do this ceremony around the 7th month, and it’s called different names in different places but with similar traditions and setups. Up North it’s called godhbharai (which literally means “filling the lap” - since the mother’s lap features prominently here as a symbol of maternal care, therefore the gifts are placed on a cloth over her lap - symbolizing her fulfillment once she reaches motherhood and the blessings she takes with her), and mostly fruits and sweets are placed on her lap as a blessing for prosperity and luck. You have games…but the mother isn’t exactly expected to participate in them - she’s the guest of honour, she sits and enjoys!

• She definitely isn’t there to submit to such a thorough interrogation of her political choices either!!

• The rest of the world treats a baby shower like a time for the mother-to-be to relax and be pampered within an inch of her life. Cordonia treats it as an opportunity for her to beat non-pregnant people at their version of egg-and-spoon and pass personality tests.

• Screenshots:

Hana: The Universal Studio 77 YouTube channel

Maxwell: The rash rec YouTube channel

Drake: @thefirstcourtesan and The BizzysChoices YouTube channel

• Title: Great Expectations

Alternative Title: The State of My Bladder Is of Far More Importance Than Any of This Nonsense.

• Believe me, during your final months of pregnancy your bladder will be virtually non-existant (which is why you’re recommended kegel exercises early on). In medical terms they call this “urinary incontinence”, which is due to those muscles facing way more pressure than usual). At one point I recall joking about how we should add “The Bathroom” at the top of my home address, coz I was almost taking up permanent residence there 😐 I wouldn’t be worrying about politics and intrigue at a time like this, I’d be worrying about my kegels!

• Kiki doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to flex her diplomatic muscles in this story, but when she does, gosh does she deliver. Following her advice this time is what allows us to buy time for ourselves.

• Unfortunately that’s all the space PB will allow Kiara, we’re now back to our regular schedule of treating her like she doesn’t matter.

• Either Maxwell or Hana (in Maxwell’s playthrough) will lead us to the boutique to pick out an outfit.

• On a level of having more gold (therefore bling) than peach, that diamond option already wins. At least in the silhouette I can pretend the peach parts of this dress don’t exist. (I still wound up using the free peach outfit for my failplay of this chapter though)

• Me before meeting Hana: pls don’t make her wear that awful lbd again pls pls pls i beg

Me seeing Hana wear the silver one: …okay that’s not too bad. I’m just going to keep headcanoning this one as a gown though.

• Liam wears his official black tie outfit, Hana wears her silver dress, Maxwell wears his black suit and Drake his deep blue one.

• In everyone else’s playthrough besides Hana’s, she is the one in charge of this “planning committee”. Penelope is in charge of…throwing confetti, which annoys Olivia to end.

• Marguerite from THM steps forward with her good wishes, and asks us about the sex of the child - at which point the narrative lets us know that it’s tradition in Cordonia to not know until the delivery. Which makes sense, since we’ll probably be allowed to customize this in a different book? And in some countries (like mine, where it’s illegal to find out before delivery) there are really, really good reasons to not give anyone - especially the family - that information.

• We meet the rest of the royals: Eirik is as self-centered as he always was (either that or Khaan really desperately needs to make sure no one knows he’s that VR game developer from San Francisco who ran away from Eros), Lerato and Lesidi are cupcakes as always, and the Three Big Royals are shady as always.

• The good thing about the scene where Isabella tries to touch your belly is that it is established as out of line straightaway. You win or lose no points however you react, and while you’re expected to be diplomatic and impress them - the narrative is clear on how wrong Isabella is on doing this. And even if you don’t show a reaction, your LI most certainly will.

• PB is trying to convince me that Amalas has a better sense of boundaries, as if she didn’t stalk me in Texas and squeeze out every possible detail about my past life like an orange in a juicer. She only seems better because the Auvernese have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

• Most of the LIs have lost a parent, but have a sibling (except for Hana, who is an only child with both parents living. Liam has lost both his parents, but has a stepmother in Regina so she fulfills that role here) - which means that in every case besides Hana’s, we see one parent and one sibling who has become a parent (optional, in Leo’s case).

- Liam: Regina and Leo (YOU EXIST! I WAS ALMOST CERTAIN PB FORGOT YOU WERE THERE). The two lightheartedly tease each other, which is phenomenal progress considering they were at each other’s throats in RoE! Leo comes to wish the MC in all playthroughs.

- Hana: Lorelai and Xinghai. Hana has sent them an invitation but wasn’t sure they’d make it, and depending on whether she is married or not their response varies. In the friendly playthrough, they respond positively but the focus is still very much on seeing the MC. In the romantic playthrough, however, Hana is allowed to show her nervousness and slight fear (how generous, PB!), reaches out to the MC for support, and the parents are tentative in their approach, with Xinghai even assuring Hana that they will cut short their stay if she wants them to. To which she confirms that she does indeed want them here. The two come to wish the MC in all playthroughs, as Leo does.

- Maxwell: Bartie Sr and Bertrand. Bartie Sr tops even King Eirik for self-centeredness (“make way for House Beaumont!”) and is…just plain weird in the way he greets the MC and his younger son (even Maxwell notices this, commenting that ol’ Bartie is “laying it on a little thick”). Bertrand is the more normal, sorted one, which is a sentence I thought I’d never say in this series. The team was pretty smart in how they scattered BertVannah between two LIs - Drake gets a visit from his sister, Maxwell gets a visit from his brother. Neither Bartie Sr nor Bertrand make an appearance in any other playthroughs which is just as well coz I saw PLENTY Bertrand for 7 whole chapters.

- Drake: Bianca and Savannah. Bianca asks the MC if Drake has been “pulling his weight around the house” while the MC has been “worrying about that baby” - nice to know she expects the same of her son as she did for her son-in-law (or perhaps a little less than what she expects of her son-in-law, considering Bertrand had to get back an entire saddle from the person she sold it to just so he could win her favour, after she allowed her sister to treat him like crap for his entire stay at her home). Savannah mercifully doesn’t get a lot of dialogue and merely compliments our glow. Savannah only appears in this playthrough, while her husband Bertrand only appears in Maxwell’s. Which is a good thing. I’ve had enough of that couple to last me a lifetime (sorry Bertrand). You see both Bianca and Savannah only in this playthrough, and I’m EXTREMELY relieved we don’t see Leona.

• It must be clear to anyone who has read all the playthroughs by now - only Leo, Lorelai and Xinghai make appearances across playthroughs, which could either be because they haven’t been shown at all in the books until now, or possibly because they may feature in Lythikos.

• Okay it’s egg and spoon time but with apples. This is Cordonia. It wouldn’t be anything but apples.

•

When you’re a new mom the last thing on your mind is grace and poise ok. Put really really simply and not in too much detail…your brain will feel more scrambled than scrambled eggs esp in the initial weeks, coz half the time you’re trying to make sense of your kid’s sleep schedule and the other half is your body just….feeling WEIRD (hormonal shifts, postpartum bleeding, and generally the overall effects of childbirth - whether it is vaginally or via C-section, both of which come with their own set of challenges). Your own sleep schedule is going to be all over the place and even after the kid starts sleeping all through the night, sometimes your brain has already been wired to wake you up at 2 AM or something. Your back is gonna hurt like a bitch. Your hair will become a hornet’s nest within the first two weeks coz what even is combing (okay, okay, that was probably just me 😅😅). And this is just when things go normally, okay.

You don’t need grace and poise to take care of a kid at this stage - you need stamina and a strong support system. Cordonia (I mean YOU, TRH team) you really need to talk to more pregnant people 🤦🏽‍♀

(on a more serious note…this is why I feel there needs to be more dialogue on parenthood. What it’s truly like and how it really feels, without the kind of fear that holds especially new parents back from admitting to their feelings about it. New parenthood with all its mess and stresses, its frustrations and confusions. No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much reading up you’ve done, there will always be something about that experience that will knock you sideways. I’ve learned that the less shame there is around admitting that parenthood can be messy, can be trial-and-error rather than perfectly executed every single time, can be imperfect, the better it is for everyone. And maybe this is a lesson that parents in some places have had the space to learn already - and that’s amazing - but there are a whole bunch of places where that’s not the case. And there is so much pressure to make it sound better, to convince people this is an easy happy journey even when it isn’t, or to believe that your well-being isn’t as important as that of your child, that many new parents don’t speak up…believing they’re the only ones who feel this way).

But I digress. I do know that “grace and poise” is expected of pregnant royals and even pregnant celebs. I do know that often they’re expected to step out looking picture perfect after having to battle lack of sleep and insane hormonal changes. They’re expected to have “fit bodies” just months after they’ve delivered. This happens in the real world. And the more we talk about it? The more we can help parents, esp new parents who might struggle more to articulate this experience.

• So…where was I? Oh right, grace and poise. In a race involving a spoon and an apple. A spoon and an apple. Excuse me while I facepalm🤦🏽‍♀

• My bladder would never survive this race in a real-life pregnancy situation, I just know it.

• Self-centered or not, at least Khaan-in-disguise points out the obvious: that everyone else has a physical edge over us. But Leo assures him that speed doesn’t help you in this game (does that make me the tortoise among a bunch of hares if I win? 🐰 🐰 🐢 🐰 🐰)

• Scarlett-Emerson-in-disguise is an angel coz she’s the only person apologizing for bumping into my bump.

• Now…if you bought the diamond scene where we drank wine with Isabella, you’d get intel about Bradfraud that could throw him off in the race:

Now…I really like this bit, okay. I like how thrown off he is that we know his secret. But I’m not entirely sure how wise of a decision it is to let him know so soon that we know, or whether it will bite us in the ass eventually. Could we have maybe waited for a better opportunity? Idk.

Anyway, so that definitely works. But IMO in a petty, inconsequential way that means little in the long run (or could be dangerous too idk). This is intel we could have saved for a better time.

• This is why it makes more sense for the MC to be told what Olivia (and possibly Liam) is investigating. Or at least for her to actually keep asking until one of them caves in and tells her. If she’d known about an Operation Swan maybe she wouldn’t openly goad him so easily (or maybe she would. It’s the MC after all).

• There’s a funny sequence in this where everyone falls on each other like ninepins. And another one where Olivia gets impatient and just throws her apple over to the finishing line, asking Kiara if she won and Kiki is like “non. You’re extremely disqualified.” Oh Kiki. Never change 😂

• ….exactly how large are these spoons. It’s an apple. That would cross over from spoon territory to ladle!

• Once the race is over, we’re back to our tables for lunch. The MC’s bump almost knocking a plate over sparks a conversation among the mothers in the table about their baby bumps, and then about labour. Lorelai in particular speaks about her delivery being “more…grueling than what I expected” but quickly assuring the now-nervous MC that once the child is placed in your arms it will all be worth it. That description could cover a whole range of experiences…from mildly stressful to extremely terrifying. I always hope it’s the former.

(I have another question though: so if Lorelai was so ecstatic over Hana’s birth, where and how during/after this euphoric period did Hana’s parents suddenly begin to feel “devastated” over not having a son then? Coz I distinctly recall Hana speaking about that in Book 1. Or is this another retcon?)

In any case…it’s nice to hear that at least for Hana’s sake.

• If you’re married to one of the guys, then it’s Hana who put together the tiny hors d'ouvres (“personally tested all the options for deliciousness and visual appeal!”). If you’re married to Hana, Madeleine is in charge of this part of the baby shower (“spent a week focus group taste-testing the sides for both aesthetic and delectability��). In any case, it’s all tiny food that’s too cute to eat.

•

…isn’t this the guy who constantly complained about tiny portions? Why wasn’t he just taking extra helpings then? (though he also still complains about food from another country looking like “abstract art”. First Hana’s meal in China, now this. No one cares for your uninformed, unwanted opinion on their cultural dishes, Drake. Good thing Maxwell shut that nonsense down immediately)

• Isabella and Bradshaw’s communications with us have always used strength, might, power as a central factor in their dealings with us. Amalas’ approach is no less insistent, but in a different direction. Culture, cuisine, these are the things that seem to stand out to me atm. If the Auvernese mindset reminds me somewhat of Lythikos and Olivia, the Monterisso one looks like it could bring to mind Castelserraillian, Kiara and her family, and Liam + Hana who are more inclined to explore art and culture.

• Everyone’s kid likes grapes, apparently.

• The dish Amalas presented for the guessing game is what they call a “Sweet Potato Surprise”, but you gotta admit the ‘mango’ option is the most entertaining 😆 (with the carrot option, she claims that she mentioned a root vegetable, which would be close enough)

• A pair of cute corgi puppies make their way to our table, and depending on whether you bought both adult corgis or not, the puppies are either theirs, or strays. Like…why are you paywalling the CHILDREN of two dogs if we actually bought the dogs. I could actually justify this level of greed if it were backed up by an equal amount of effort in the book overall, but it isn’t.

• Anyway, they only feature together, so you have to decide on two names that will fit in one space. It kind of reminds me of how they’ve drawn Merlin and Morgana - in one sprite. I’m guessing at some point there will be an option to allow Penelope to clothe them as well.

• Like most of the fandom has already said by now, Bastien and Mara can’t even be trusted with a pair of pups.

• If you don’t buy the pups, Penelope offers to have one of her friends “in the canine couture world” to adopt them.

• Here’s the parenting advice from all the in-laws!

Liam: Regina speaks of the importance of regulating sweet intake closer to bedtime which is true because a child on a sugar rush will transform into the Energizer Bunny and go on forever. Like, this is very much how a child on a sugar rush reacts to the notion of sleep:

Hana: This one seems to highlight Hana’s competitive nature, perfectionism and ambition, and I guess there could be a lesson there in that you need to give yourself time to grow into things you want to do, and that means allowing yourself the space to topple over or struggle once in a while, the space to make mistakes. But I doubt it because weren’t these the same people who deemed her a failure for things that were beyond her control??

Maxwell: Maxwell is sorta kinda called out in this one, both for being “peaceful looking” and for wrecking havoc with those House documents lol. I’m guessing Bartie Sr is here in our baby shower mostly to look suspicious. What exactly was in those House Documents, ol’ Bart?

Drake: Bianca gives us some age-old advice about sleeping while the baby sleeps, which is something my mother and aunt (who looked after me post-childbirth) swore by. They would insist I spent whatever time kiddo was sleeping to be when I got my shut-eye too, because if you don’t take that and pull an all-nighter feeding the child, it’s going to be near-impossible to function. But you really, really need to have lots of support around you during such times because that kind of schedule leaves you little to no time to do much else besides occasional eating, small routines and light exercise (thankfully the MC has staff and a strong support system who can help her). In this case Bianca quips that Savannah was the easy one, and Drake the really fussy one. Drake isn’t quite convinced (who are you kidding Drake you’re still fussy).

• You get two extra pieces of parenting advice from the rulers, pretty characteristic (at least in Auvernal’s case since we’re more familiar with their culture) of where they come from. Amalas’ is “know your baby’s moods, and you can spot a tantrum before it happens”. The Auvernese “pearls of wisdom” say “to show weakness is to admit defeat” - Jesus, these guys have lost already, then.

• Olivia now has plans for a dart playing game - where she plans to use her daggers instead. You can either refuse to join, or enthusiastically participate. The LI warns you to be careful in the second option.

• If you join in: Isabella and Amalas hit near-center, both claiming different things in the face of their defeat (Isabella claims Olivia’s dagger to be a “terribly balanced weapon”) and Amalas tries to throw Olivia off by claiming her “aim was off”. Both of them are clearly thrown off by the unfamiliar weapon. At this point Olivia counts on the MC to “show them what Cordonians are made of”. If you succeed, you get a glimpse of your LI going all John Mulaney on the foreign royals (“that’s my wife!”)

• If you don’t join in: the LI and the MC’s friends form a protective circle around her, and Olivia chooses to stick to the usual darts. Isabella and Amalas are both in their element, with tools they’re familiar with using on a dart board. Isabella’s is still just near the target, Olivia’s is even closer, and Amalas’ is the closest - almost knocking off Olivia’s dart.

• Either way, we’ve effectively pissed off Isabella who angrily asks for “best of two?” 🤭

• Time for presents!

• Uh oh. The rattle comes from Auvernal. And it’s the same rattle as the one on the book cover. Soooooo…what does that hint at? Will our hand be forced, somehow? And will we eventually have to make a secret pact with Monterisso to get out of it, since the narrative is really really trying to push Amalas as the better option? (maybe not, but it’s fun to theorize).

• I don’t trust Amalas but they clearly gave her the nicer gift (at least, a nicer explanation for her gift). It’s a blossom “from the oldest apple tree in Monterisso, a tree that Cordonia helped my people plant long ago”. She hints at a closeness that the countries shared way back and offers the gift as a way of asking if that could happen again. The story kind of reminds me of the Regatta one Liam told us in Book 1, where Cordonia helped its neighbours at sea with supplies, during a time when they were ravaged by storms.

• Eirik gives you a bust of his own head, Lerato and Lesidi give you glass bottles and Marguerite gives us money, which puzzles the LIs. (though culturally I’ve been accustomed to cash being given as gifts or even in blessing, esp by elders, and I know at least one or two other cultures where cash can be the norm for gifts too). Kiara confiscated Olivia’s gift which she argues would help with self-defence 🤭 which happens to be one of my favourite moments in this chapter, and reminds me of this post an artist made of the MC’s baby shower long back. Idk why everyone sleeps on Kiara’s sheer entertainment value coz that girl possesses it in droves.

•

From our in-laws, we get a gift for the nursery - a cot mobile to place above the baby’s crib. These things are incredibly useful in the initial few months of a baby’s life when their visual development, eye-hand coordination and control over head and neck muscles are just about beginning. (and it’s cute and fun. What’s not to like). Unfortunately…unlike the nursery itself and the crib, you don’t get a free option for the cot mobile. You get a royal and rustic option + plus a neutral one with stars that I liked, but you have to pay even for that lovely neutral one. I’m guessing that the first two things from our nursery were “essentials” and whatever else we get now will be considered additional perks, thus paywalling even the options that don’t fit into your “royal or rustic” theme.

Each of the in-laws refer to a local/Cordonian craftswoman who made cot mobiles for the LIs. Leo gleefully tells us that Liam’s had “sparkles for days”, Bianca teasingly acts secretive about Drake’s. Hana never even knew she had a mobile coz she hasn’t seen a lot of baby photos of herself (I’m not sure what it’s meant to be an indication of yet, but I’m taking note of it). The one that really puzzles me is Maxwell’s. The writers don’t bother telling us what Maxwell’s is and instead make the bizarre choice to tell us what Bertrand’s cot mobile was instead. Why…the hell…would a Maxwell stan be interested in THAT. The writers don’t even specify if it was a hand-me-down (why was a family that rich and titled giving their younger one hand-me-downs) - nope, somehow it was a better choice to let us know that Bertrand’s was “silver grapefruit spoons”.

They should have done this for Drake also then, no? Talk about Savannah’s mobile instead of his? But noooo, Drake is too important, right. So let’s have his mother act all coy about his but make sure the sequence still centered around him.

At this point the writers should just nip this entire series in the bud if they’re not going even to bother writing equally good romances for all the LIs. One decently-done romance route doesn’t a good romance book make.

• In the middle of all this, the LI calls the MC into the hedge maze, presenting her with their own gift - a deep blue baby blanket with gold embroidery. How very Cordonia of them xD

• It’s a cute free LI moment where they show you how much they appreciate you, even in the midst of all this chaos and pandering of nosy royals.

• Once we’re back, it’s time to see if we passed our little diplomacy exam with these guys. Depending on the points you have with them, they will either back down convinced that even a normal alliance would work with Cordonia, or they will pressurize you further.

• Interestingly enough in the failplay, Amalas’ responses seem to imply that she would have more open to the idea of simply an alliance with the rulers sans marriage, but you can’t tell yet whether this is the writers trying to indicate to us that she is the choice, or whether she just isn’t being as ham-fisted as the Auvernese are. They lack subtlety, she’s more persuasive, but is she still someone you can trust? Since we’ve only seen her like twice before this sequence, I can’t quite tell yet.

• Kdjhshshsjssj @ Liam confiscating Maxwell’s armory access pass.

• The sales of “that book about us that has Maxwell’s face on it” are fantastic, and the publishers want Maxwell to do a book tour, the first signing of which is in Lythikos.

• We’re in Lythikos…for a book tour. Not even because Olivia found some information there or whatever (though I’m sure that will come up at some point next chapter), we’re there for a book tour that could have been done ANYWHERE.

• Places we could be having this book signing:

- Ramsford: Yknow, the author’s birthplace which we haven’t bothered visiting since our first Beaumont Bash in Book 1.

- Castelserraillian: Yknow, like the seat of art and culture and literature in Cordonia?? If there is one place in all of Cordonia I could easily picture as a literary hub it would be this one.

- No Valtoria coz we’ve seen plenty of it.

- Applewood: Yknow, that place that has many farmers, lots of commoners, who doubtless would have read this story of a commoner woman who climbed the ranks into royalty and glory. Applewood even has a public library that Queen Eleanor and her son regularly supported and visited. I’m sure many of the commoners in Applewood would have found that story even a little inspiring.

- Hana’s mysterious Cordonian homeplace: Just because the team is whack and we deserved better. They could have really made an effort to show her other home somewhere, yknow, considering they did such an awful job of Shanghai the last time.

• At this point we’ve seen Lythikos more than we have seen any other estate in this story. Sure, we can all spout out all sorts of excuses for why - plot, intrigue, Olivia’s character development (work on your own female LI first, PB!), but it all comes back to the same point: that the team is more willing to rob Hana of her rightful space and place it on Olivia’s lap. Setting this in Lythikos is re about the fact that, now that Drake has had more than his fair share of space, it’s Olivia’s turn to fulfill the role of secondary character but be treated like a main (all while Hana is thrown in as their token female LI + default POC LI, but treated with far less respect from her writers than even a secondary character).

• Overall, this is meant to be a light chapter - which most Chapter 16s (except for Book 2) are. Chapter 16 tends to be sandwiched between intense sequences, and is often seen as the point where the group and the LIs and MC can have fun but relax from court intrigue as well. It was the Beaumont Bash in Book 1, Vegas in Book 3, now a baby shower in TRH Book 1.

• Hana meeting her parents again (especially on her own playthrough), was nice, I guess. A little extra time is spent during the cot mobile scene having her parents acknowledge how they’d failed her, and the narrative shows us glimpses of her nervousness and discomfort while having the parents state that if she would rather they leave, they will respect that. It’s a tiny bit more progress compared to all the times Lorelai was continually repeating her mistakes and thinking they could be fixed each time with a paltry apology. But it’s still not enough.

• For one, we have just 4 chapters left in a book where half the time we were pandering to Drake’s family for chapters on end. We’re 16 chapters too late in addressing this. I have zero faith that things will improve.

For another, Hana getting this type of validation from her parents isn’t something that should be restricted to the playthrough where she is married alone. In both cases she invited them along, so in both cases they should be showing an equal level of caring and tentetiveness.

For a third, the whole angle with her parents seems to have such a disconnect. It’s almost like the writers were trying to prove something but didn’t do enough work to make it all sound coherent. Like you have this somewhat-healing relationship, but even then you have these moments that just don’t seem to make sense within Hana’s narrative, like Lorelai giving you that generic answer about your feelings suddenly becoming positive the moment they place the baby in your arms (which, btw, doesn’t always happen), or Xinghai talking about Hana’s ambition but there’s hardly any indication of how they controlled the directions her ambition would take. Overall they all sound like nice sequences by themselves but very disconnected to Hana’s actual story.

Why Hana hasn’t seen many baby pictures is something I want to see more of. I’m hoping that the fact that we see Lorelai, Xinghai and Leo in all the playthroughs, means they may accompany us on the book tour and perhaps we will get Hana-centric flashbacks and Liam-centric ones too.

• With next week, we’ll have only three chapters left, the intrigue is still in its nascent stages, the pacing is grossly uneven, and most of the LIs still don’t have a clear-cut arc. Some may claim that, well, it’s a series so maybe everyone else will get their “arc” in the next book. Except that if that were the case, Drake’s playthrough shouldn’t have been having the kind of focus on family that it’s been having this entire book. Others may claim that, well, it’s okay coz the story is about the baby and the romance - but they didn’t exactly do any justice to either of those. So what was this whole book about then? Besides Walker worship?

• The holiday special for TRR…is this going to be in Lythikos? Again??? Isn’t it bad enough that I will be going into TRM foolishly hoping to see Castelserraillian to get fair rep but know I’ll be confronted with with the reality of duchies like Lythikos getting a lion’s share of the story??

• That’s it for this chapter, guys. Until Saturday!

[queenbirbs]

waiting game | Ethan Ramsey x MC

AN - Literally couldn’t get this oneshot out of my head last night, so therefore I spent most of my last day off before Easter Hell Week writing it out. Because of course, why not? WC 3701 There’s a special place in hell for Harper Emery.  

It’s the fourth time the phrase has entered his head, but it hasn’t lost the fire behind it. He’s the leader of one of the country’s best diagnostics teams, he’s done a few tours with Doctors Without Borders. Last year, he even went back home for Christmas dinner with a family who would honestly rather receive more postcards from Mozambique in lieu of seeing him in person.  

And yet, this is possibly the most stressful thing Ethan’s ever dealt with. Wading through feces and garbage in a rural country would be more preferable at this point.  

The event room around him is gilded to the tee. Every table is draped in the finest cloth, the silverware sparkling in the light of the chandeliers, the plates filled with the highest quality catering. Extravagant centerpieces explode from the center of the tables, white orchids and white hydrangeas and white lilies spilling out from crystal vases. Some type of curly branch winds up toward the ceiling, breaking up the overwhelming glare of white.  

In the beginning, he tried to position himself just so, hoping the floral arrangement would hide him. Sitting down only served to make him an easy target, though, where any of the sharks could circle his table and feast upon him at will.

Glancing down at the scotch in his hand, he wonders how many more metaphors he can make before he has to cut himself off.

His current strategy is to keep moving, keeping himself between them with large, immovable objects. He learned his lesson with George Kadinskee, who shoved a table and chairs out of the way to get to him. It’s like being in a furniture store or a car dealership, watching the sales people discreetly chase after him.  

It’s all rather pathetic (and childish) of him, but he didn’t become a doctor to get hounded by insurance reps. And yet, here he was at a Banner Health function on a Friday evening, dressed in one of his finest suits, waiting for the earth to swallow him up.

He really just wants to go home to his dog and a documentary.  

“Doctor Ramsey!” a voice calls from behind him.  

Allotting himself a wince and a sip of his drink in preparation, he sucks in a breath and straightens his spine. It’s a good thing, too, because when he turns around he needs to cling to all the composure he can.

“Rookie,” he greets, taking another sip to wet his dry mouth, “what are you doing here?”

Sloane raises an eyebrow at his tone, but doesn’t comment on it.    

“Doctor Emery invited me. She said that the hospital could use some... younger representation.”

It’s his turn to shoot her a look.  

“Are you calling me old?”

“I think the polite term is ‘experienced’ now,” she responds with that low, pretty laugh of hers.  

He doesn’t choke on his drink, but it’s a damn near thing. “I’m sorry I’m late, though,” she continues, saving him from responding, “I had to get cleaned up and get all…” she trails off, waving a hand over her ensemble. “And my post-op was having some complications. I wanted to stick around until he got settled.”

Clinging to the life-raft of shop talk she’s handed him, he asks her about the patient, relieved when he catches the glint in her eyes, that bright flicker of discussing something she loves. Hospital talk saves him from making the inevitable ‘you look nice’ comment, which would be a paltry choice of words. She looks absolutely gorgeous, wearing a royal purple gown with a deep vee neckline. The material looks soft to the touch, the rich color complementing the russet shade of her hair. She normally wears it up, but it’s nice to see it down. His eyes follow the soft curls to the waist of her dress, where a section of thin lace does little to cover her pale skin, before the rest of the skirt continues down.  

“You should go get us another round.” At her stilted tone, he glances at the half-finished glasses they both hold.

“Why?” he drags the word out, blaming the alcohol for how playful it sounds.  

“Because there’s a middle-aged man that’s been eyeing you across the room for the past two minutes.”

He’s definitely blaming the next sentence out of his mouth on the alcohol.

“Are you sure he isn’t eyeing you?”    

Something akin to delight crosses her face, before she breaks into a chuckle and shakes her head.

“Oh, no, trust me. He’s definitely been admiring your backside this entire time, not mine.”

Ethan pointedly keeps his eyes up, because he’s a grown adult, and shouldn’t be tempted with the idea of admiring hers. (He’s done so before, but only from the comfort of the nurses’ station, and only when she’s distracted enough not to catch him. He is a grown adult, after all.) 

“Does he look like he plays golf instead of attending mandatory meetings?”

“Oh, yeah,” she nods, her gaze narrowing just beyond his left shoulder. “And his idea of a good time is yelling at wait staff.”

He chuckles at the matter-of-fact tone.

“You can tell that from across the room?”

“I waited tables in the Upper East Side in college. A sizable chunk of my debt is from buying new white button-downs when people like him threw food at me. I can read people like him a mile away.” Her eyes widen when she adds in a rush, “And he’s headed this way. Here!”

He takes the glass she all but shoves at him, steps around her, and tucks himself into the crowd hovering around the bar. Chancing a glance back, he sees her intercept George with an enthusiastic handshake. He watches as she lets herself be pulled out to sea into the awaiting sharks.

+

The bar takes longer than anticipated, but Ethan manages to secure two fresh drinks (and seven new business cards, which he will promptly throw in the recycling bin when he gets home). Fifteen minutes is a long time in the world of work functions, though, and he has lost sight of Sloane by the time he makes it back to the dining area. Across the ballroom, a live band has replaced the jazz playlist, and couples are moving across the dance floor.

Scanning the crowd, he finally spots a flash of purple, then a curtain of red flickering between bodies. She’s dancing with Anthony Fenton, Banner’s HR assistant and owner of three Teslas, which Ethan only knows because Anthony told him four times within their twenty-minute conversation earlier.

The song that’s playing crescendos, then eases down, the couples slowing as it peters out to a calmer song. Anthony’s hand moves from her waist to the small of her back, gathering her close to sway with her. Sloane settles a hand onto his chest, pushing back to make some space between their bodies.

It’s funny, because Ethan doesn’t see the venue change the lighting, but everything goes red for a moment.

He moves closer to the dance floor, trying not to feel like a chaperone at a school dance. Sloane is an adult, and a smart one at that, and is capable of making her own decisions. So, if she wants to dance with annoying assistants, or flirt with visiting paramedics or the other diagnostic interns, then she’s perfectly free to do so.

It doesn’t matter to him at all. (It does.)

He’s glad he’s watching them, though, because he gets to see the moment Sloane notices him. It’s been a few months since she started at Edenbrook, but it still gives him that same little thrill, that bite of pleasure, when she comes across him in the hallway, or in the cafeteria, or at Donahue’s, and he gets to watch her face light up.

“S.O.S.!” she mouths, begging for a save.

After she rescued him from George, he can’t just leave her to fend for herself, right?

Setting the drinks down on a nearby table, Ethan moves through the dancers with ease and sidles up to tap Sloane on the shoulder.

“May I have this dance, Doctor McTavish?”

She unwraps herself from Anthony and takes his offered hand within the span of one beat. Ethan thinks he mutters a dismissal to Anthony, but isn’t entirely sure about it.

Because he clearly didn’t think this part through. Enjoying Sloane from a permitted distance was one thing, but having her in his arms is a whole different ball game. He wonders if she can feel his heightened pulse where her hand grips his. (She can’t -- her fingers aren’t on his pulse point, but the curve of her lips says otherwise.)

They move in tandem with the crowd, more swaying than actual dancing. The music is just low enough for murmured conversation, which Sloane starts up with a suggestion of turning his people-watching skills on the dancers around them.

He points out the divorcees, the slackers, the ones that should be promoted and the ones that should be demoted. They bicker about an older couple near the very edge (she thinks they’re married, he thinks they’re just business partners). The current song slows and the two men in question share a gentle kiss, the shorter nuzzling the taller’s chest.

He runs out of observations soon after, too caught up in his private thoughts about the woman in his arms to spin any more yarn.  

“Wouldn’t you normally bring a date to a function like this?” she asks, honest curiosity in her voice.

He deploys his best weapon: deflection.

“Couldn’t I ask the same of you?”

She hums, tipping her head to the side as if in agreement. The action sends a cascade of curls to lay against her neck, that floral perfume of hers hitting him again.

“To be fair, I did ask someone, but he works fourth shift tonight and couldn’t make it.”

His brain doesn’t know how to handle that information; he gets a wave of disappointment that she tried to bring a date, then gets another wave of admonishment at himself for wanting her all to himself.

“You wouldn’t want to put anyone through this schmooze-fest, anyway,” he reasons.

“You’re right,” she says. “In the twenty minutes you were hiding at the bar, I was offered to go on three company cruises and seven golf trips. And I’m pretty sure one of those was a combination of the two.”

Ethan makes a face at the idea of a golf-cruise combo.

“I was not hiding. They only have two bartenders working for a full venue.”

“Your mouth is moving, but all I’m hearing are excuses, Ramsey,” she chides with a grin.

The tempo of the song they’re dancing to swells. Neither say anything, but both seem to know exactly what to do. He drops his hand from her waist and twirls her out, her dress floating out into the open space with her, before she comes back into his arms, holding tight to his hand.

There’s a callous on her right ring finger, resting just below the nail, from the way she holds her pen at work. The perfume he detected before drifts up to him, stronger now that her body has heated up. He spots the flush that blooms across her chest and neck, a result of the swing music the band has started up.  

He does not consider what it would be like to lay his lips there at the base of her throat and have a taste of her, to see if that pretty flush of hers would follow the trail of his lips.

“Let’s get some air,” he suggests, once the song is over and Sloane is panting from exertion and he is not thinking about other ways she could become breathless in his presence.

More dancers have joined the floor since they did, making their path out difficult. Ethan puts a hand on the small of her back, keeping her close to his side as they maneuver their way out of the crowd. Her skin is pleasantly warm under his fingers and covered in a light sheen of sweat from their activities and the close quarters of the dance floor.

She heads for the open balcony across the way and he follows, a moth drawn to her flame.

+

Outside, the city stretches out before them. To the south, Back Bay is a faint glow, leading the eye to continue left, where downtown shines bright. Cars are small dots of light underneath them, moving right and left, heading in and out of the city. Just on the edge of the balcony, Longfellow Bridge casts out into the darkness of the river. Despite the heat of the day, the cool night air rushes up to meet them.

Ethan catches Sloane rubbing her arms to keep herself warm and gives her his suit jacket to combat the cold. She tries to protest, but he silences her with another look, and helps her slip into it.

“My dad used to be the handyman for the local hospital where I grew up,” she tells him as she moves to stand at the edge. “During Christmas, they’d put these trees on top of the roofs, and he’d take me and my brother up there every year. It was only five stories high, but to us, it might as well have been the Empire State Building.”

“That sounds nice.”

She tears her gaze from the view over to him. He resists the urge to straighten his shoulders, suddenly feeling as if he’s been appraised.

“It was.” She seems to shift, as if deciding something unknown, and smirks up at him. “And then, you know, I was sixteen and wanted to impress a girl, so I stole my dad’s keys and took her up there with some hot cocoa and Bailey’s and one thing led to another…” she tips her head to the side again, laughing when he clears his throat.

“Well,” he starts, then realizes he has nothing to say to that (at least nothing that won’t seem like he’s offering to perform a reenactment out on this very public balcony with her), so he tries again. “Well.”

Nope, he’s got nothing.

Sloane takes pity on him and reaches out, patting him on his arm that rests next to hers on the railing.

“I’m glad I came,” she says, her face turned towards the open air. “I had a good time.”

“Despite Anthony and his two Teslas?” he can’t help but tease.

“Don’t forget his third one, though, back at his house in the Hampton’s.”

“Ah, of course. How could I have forgotten.” Finishing his scotch, he charges ahead: “I’m glad you came, too.”

He’s very glad he limited his alcohol intake, because when Sloane turns to smile at him, he can’t help but note that her eyes rival the sparkle of the city. And if he’d been drunk, he might’ve actually told her that. 

Instead, he offers his arm. “I think we’ve made a sufficient appearance. We should be able to escape from captivity now.”

Sloane sets her empty glass on a nearby table and links her arm through hers.

“If I’d had another three of these, I’d make a tiger noise right now.”

“Well, thank god for that.”

They make it to the elevator and down to the front lobby of the hotel without any incident. They, of course, have an argument at the curb about her borrowing his jacket for her trip home, since she forgot to bring a coat in her rush to get to the function.

“Here, at least let me get you a Lyft,” he offers as he hands off his ticket to the valet.

“Oh, no, that’s too much. It’s a nice night, despite the wind.” She slips free of his jacket, handing it back to him. “It’s only a few minutes from here to the T.”

“How far do you live from here?”

She glances back to the street, as if checking for something, before she answers, “I’m all the way across town, over near Fan Pier Park.”

He goes over her route home, recalling that the closest station to her is back on this side of the channel. Which means she’ll have to walk at least ten minutes to get home after her stop, all alone on a Friday night. “Don’t worry,” she continues, as if that’ll stop him, “I do it every night. We’re not that far from the hospital right now, and I make that walk at all hours of the evening.”

You’re usually with your roommates, he wants to point out.

She’s already angling her body towards the street, readying to make her journey home. “I’ll be okay, Ethan.”

“I’ll drive you home.”

“You live in the heart of downtown. You could throw a rock and hit City Hall.”

“It’s… on my way.”

He gets another eyebrow raise for that lie.

“It’s not even remotely on your way. You’d have to backtrack.”

“Barely over a mile. That’s not the end of the world.”

“Doctor Ramsey--” she tries, but the valet interrupts their argument, waving over to where another woman has brought his car around.

“Come on, McTavish.” He doesn’t glance back to see if she’s following -- he can see well enough in the lobby’s tall windows as she huffs out a sigh and trails after him.

+

“It’s nice here,” she comments as they wait at a stoplight somewhere along Congress Street.

He’d opted for the side streets, instead of taking a chance with the highway and its propensity for wrecks inside the tunnel. It certainly has nothing to do with the route taking longer the way he’s chosen, thus an increase in time of being in Sloane’s presence.

“In my heated seats? Of course it is. Beats the hard, plastic ones on the T any day.”

“I meant here as in the city, Boston. It’s a nice change of pace from the… constant-ness of New York City.”

“Constant-ness is not a word.”

“It is a word when I’ve gotten off a fifteen-hour shift, then had to walk around in these heels all night, and then was bullied into a car.”

“I did not bully you--”

“Okay, you didn’t bully me. How about: arrogantly demanded?”

He hums, as if in consideration.

“I’ll concede to arrogantly demanded.”

That sparks another chuckle from her, grinning over at him from his passenger seat.

“But yes, I lived in New York City. Therefore, I get to say what it was or was not.”

“It’s rather constant here, too,” he points out. A chorus of honks back up his statement as two cars blow through a red, blocking the intersection when the traffic ahead stops.

“New York was such a high turnover city to me. I had seventeen different roommates when I was living off-campus my third year of med school. People would come from all over the world to chase their dreams. By three weeks in, they came to the realization that it was going to be a lot harder than TV made it out to be. Why would they bother trying to live in one of the world’s most expensive cities being a temp or a waitress, when they could be back in Minneapolis or Nashville or Rochester doing the same thing.”

“That’s… rather depressing.”

She shrugs at his summation.

“It’s just how it was. And why I love living here in comparison. Here, everyone seems a lot more… rooted. I mean, barring unforeseen circumstances, I’ll be here for three years for residency. It’s nice to have that, to have friends who are in the same boat as me.”

His mind unwillingly travels three years ahead, when Sloane inevitably goes off to Johns Hopkins or Vanderbilt or Seattle Grace, and he never sees her again. “People come here to stay here,” she continues, unaware of his sobering thoughts. “I like it.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, not trusting himself to ask if she can see herself staying here permanently. If she can see a place for herself on his team, because if she keeps at it like she has been, he can easily see her joining him.

He doesn’t want to hear her plans if her answer to that is no.

Instead, he flips on the radio. He taps along to the bass drums as she hums in time with the string instruments and he reminds himself that he cannot fall in love with her (not that it does any good).

+

“Nice place,” he says, and means it. The apartment building faces to the north, with a spectacular view of the harbor to the west. A doorman waves at Sloane as she starts to climb out.

“Thanks!”

“It might be rude of me to ask, but when I was in residency, I lived out of a shoebox. How did you all manage to secure a place like this?”

She glances over to the bay, biting at her lip, before meeting his curious gaze.

“We might have ganged up on the landlord and convinced him that our competition were communists.”

“Wow.”

“Well, ganged up is a strong term. But...yeah. First time I’ve ever been thankful I paid attention in that American History class in undergrad.”

“I have to admit, I’m impressed.”

“Oh, Doctor Ramsey,” she says with a shake of her head, that familiar smile making its appearance, “if you’re impressed by that, you should see what else I’m capable of.” With that, she grabs her purse from the floorboard, thanking him again for the ride, before rushing up to the double doors.

Ethan stays, wanting to make sure she gets inside safely, and watches her chat with the doorman for a moment. He can tell when she notices him still at the curb, and flicks a hand up at her when she waves to him. He waits a moment longer, watching her turn and head deeper into the lobby, until she disappears into a waiting elevator.

“I can’t wait to find out, Rookie.”

[byunskjm-blog]

Try Again

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Junmyeon x Reader

Length: 4k

Masterlist

TW: Mentions of miscarriages

Being married to a doctor is stressful, but imagine marrying a surgeon. When you married Junmyeon you expected life to be easy. You had it all planned out. You were gonna graduate from University and begin your life as a teacher, the love of your life was supposed to fall into your lap, metaphorically of course, and you were supposed to live a fairytale. And for the most part that’s what happened. Three years into University you took your normal train ride to get to school, but God had something in store for you that morning. Apparently, when you said you wanted the love of your life to fall into your lap, the big man upstairs took it literally. Due to the shakiness of the train car you felt a heavy weight fall on you. Little did you know that man would be the person you chose to love in sickness and health. It just so happened that he went to the same University as you. It’s odd how life works sometimes, you could have gone your whole life without knowing who he was, but because of one shaky train ride, he ended up being your greatest love. 

It was impossible not to see him, suddenly he was always near you, right in front of your eyes. Maybe he was always there but only now you were able to see him. He was in his 2nd year of Med school whilst you were one year away from graduation. Both of you decided that maybe friendship was a good option, it was just not the right time to go into a serious relationship. Rapidly, you and Junmyeon became close. You had friends in University, you even had your roommate. But they weren’t him. With him, everything came effortlessly. You found yourself talking to him every chance you got, even if it were about the silliest things like if kimbap or bibimbap was better. You shared your secrets and he shared his and that’s the way it was for 2 years. 

In your senior year of Uni, you began seeing Oh Sehun, easy to say Junmyeon wasn’t a fan. He always claimed you could do better and Sehun wasn’t the one. Back then you thought Sehun was the one, on paper he was perfect for you. But life never follows the guidelines that are laid out. 8 months into the relationship you found him in bed with his TA. The amount of self-control it took Junmyeon to not deck him in the face was immeasurable. It hurt, of course, it hurt, but you didn’t let it hold you back. You simply believed that he wasn’t the one, just like Junmyeon said. It took you a while to open up after Sehun but eventually, you did… for Junmyeon. 

After a long night with a bottle of Tequila things were said, things you’d never thought you would hear in this lifetime anyway. “You know what men ain’t shit,” you slurred with the bottle in your hand. 

“I told you so,” Junmyeon said just as hammered as you. 

“You just had to say it didn’t you,” eyes narrowed at him as if you could burn a hole through him if you focused hard enough. 

He shrugged, “What can I say it’s my job.” 

You rolled your eyes, “So tell me Mr. Hotshot. If he wasn’t the one for me, then who is?” The room was silent as you waited for an answer. “Because right now I feel like there is absolutely no-” 

“Me.” It happened so quick you had no time to properly process his words. You looked at him, pure shock in your eyes, after almost 3 years as best friends he finally made his move. Then as if you were living some cheesy rom-com, he leaned and kissed you. It was soft, sweet, and cliche as hell because all you saw during the kiss was fireworks.

Both of you made your feelings for each other clear and from then on it was pretty straight forward. Days turned into months, months into years and soon enough he was on one knee proposing. Timing was never your guys’ theme, he proposed on the same day you found out he would possibly be leaving the country. “I can’t say yes unless I know you won’t leave.” You were upset because you wanted to say yes more than anything. But you can’t plan a future when you didn’t even know if he was staying or not. “I’m not leaving. Of course, I’m not leaving. I’m not crazy. So can you please say yes already? My knee is hurting.” As if it were second nature you nodded your head as he slipped the ring on your finger. 

That’s how you found yourself married to Korea’s most renowned surgeon. You both came to an agreement to start a family when he finished his residency. It was a good plan, but plans never went accordingly. Four years into your relationship you discovered you were pregnant. It came as a shock to the both of you, you both were always so careful. With this pregnancy came a lot of arguments. Junmyeon was overwhelmed and stressed and that transferred over to you. 

“You’re never home Junmyeon!” You yelled in frustration. 

“I’m a fucking surgeon! What do you expect?!” He fired back just as enraged. Maybe it was the hormones, but you were crying and Junmyeon was instantly filled with regret. “I’m sorry. It’s just you knew what you were signing up for when you married me.” 

You let out a heavy sigh and looked up at him with teary eyes. “I did know what I signed up for, but did you?” He was confused by your words. “When you married me you knew what I wanted in life. You knew I wanted a family, a home, happiness. And I postponed all that for you. For your goddamn career. I can’t wait any longer Junmyeon. Either you begin to prioritize me or you lose me altogether.” 

He carded a hand through his hair. To him, he felt wronged, he felt misunderstood. “That’s not fair and you know it. You can’t make me choose between you and my career.” 

You let out a scoff of disdain. “It shouldn’t even be a choice to you Junmyeon.”

You left that night, leaving him to think of where he went wrong and why you were so hurt by his actions. You were still in your first trimester when everything happened. You had been spending nights at your best friends house. Junmyeon would try to contact you but not as often as you thought he would. Messages were left unread, phone calls unanswered, voicemails untouched.

To you, it was just another day at work. You woke up, got ready and made your daily commute to work. The kids were hyper as normal and you appreciated it. They gave you the energy you needed. You were breaking up a fight between two students fighting over the same toy. Then you felt a liquid running down your thighs. The cramping in your stomach was excruciating. Your first thought, your baby. Your hand flew to your stomach to feel your small protruding bump. The kids around you were scared and so were you.

“It’s ok.” You told one of your kids. “Can you go next door and call Miss. Park?” You asked softly trying not to worry them even though internally you wanted to cry. He bolted off toward the room and when he came back he was with an adult. A friend you could trust. Her eyes went wide when she saw you kneeling on the floor with your hands on your stomach. She wanted to make a scene but you calmly told her to call the ambulance and don’t worry the kids. She followed your instructions and within in a few minutes, an ambulance showed up to wheel you away.

“Do you want me to call Junmyeon?” She asked as you were lifted into the ambulance.

You shook your head, “No, just make sure the kids are ok and tell them I’ll be fine.” The paramedics were trying to examine you to see what was wrong. “I’m having a miscarriage,” You simply stated.

Both their eyes went wide. You didn’t need some doctor to tell you what you already knew. Your baby was gone.

You knew all the signs, perks of marrying a doctor. Everything felt too surreal, you wanted to cry, you should’ve cried, but nothing came out. All you felt was numbness. To make things even better you were taken to Junmyeon’s hospital. How were you going to tell your husband that you lost the baby he probably didn’t want to begin with?

They wheeled you out the back of the ambulance and listed your information to the doctor who would treat you. A young wide-eyed intern recognized. “Mrs. Kim?” She asked with a shock expression plastering her face.

“Hi, darling.” You smiled like you weren’t in the process of losing your child.

“Do you want me to page Dr. Kim? He is in sur-” You cut her off with a shake of her head.

“He is busy, don’t bother him,” You coldly stated.

“But Mrs. Kim I think he would want to know-” Once more you stopped her from finishing your sentence.

“He is in the middle of surgery. I’ll be fine. Don’t page him,” you repeated.

She nodded this time and began her examination. She flipped through your charts. “It says here you are pregnant,” she looked at the clipboard then you looking for confirmation. You nodded. It would be simple to just tell her what was wrong but how will she learn.

This wasn’t normal, what you were doing wasn’t normal. You should have been a crying mess wanting to see your husband. But instead, you were far more concerned with helping an intern learn. She began an ultrasound to try and find a heartbeat but it never came. Then it hit her. “Oh my- I’m so sorry.” She looked at you with nothing but pity in her eyes. She sympathized for you.

“So doctor how do you fix it?” You asked feeling absolutely nothing.

She was frazzled of course she was. “Um… Uh, you can uh.”

You sensed her nervousness and grabbed her hand to calm her. “You know this.”

She gulped and nodded. “You can either go home and wait for the pregnancy tissue to pass or you can do what most doctors recommend, which is to get surgery.” Then the room went silent, waiting on for you to decide.

“I’ll do surgery. But on one condition. I want you in the OR.” Even in these kinds of situations you were absolutely selfless and being the teacher you were.

She left to book the OR and leave you to think over everything. What was wrong with you? Is this how you coped? Were you that numb to the pain? Then you remembered Junmyeon. You knew he was going to find you, it was inevitable. This was where he spent the majority of his life, not home but in this hospital.

Nurses came into prep you for surgery and to go over what the operation will be like. They walked you through it step by step and told you the aftermath. All you did was nod and pretend to listen to them because, to be frank, you didn’t care much about anything at this point. There was always a risk with surgery, success rates came with failures too. Maybe deep down some horrible part of you wish you were one of those failures. It’s not like you had much to lose. You shouldn’t have been thinking like this, you know you shouldn’t have. But that day you were thinking abnormally.

They wheeled you into the OR, the intern stuck by your side still feeling nothing but sorry for you. The least you could do was make yourself useful. You laid on the table and counted back from 10. As each number passed by the groggier you got until everything went black.

Junmyeon finished a 5-hour surgery repairing a heart, he went into the break room to stretch and call you. It’s been weeks since you came home and he knew you well enough to know that you valued your space when you were annoyed or mad. But this has been going on for too long and he was tired of waking up to an empty bed in the morning, at least when he was there.

As usual, you didn’t pick up your phone. “Hey, it’s me. I just want to talk, come home tonight. I’m not on call and I want to fix this.” He sighed on hung up the phone again. He had one more operation to go, it was small and wouldn’t take too much time. He figured if he got finished early he would have enough to go home and cook something for you.

He read the OR board to confirm the OR he was working in, nothing was out of the ordinary until he saw your name. Under it he read a D&C and that’s when all color left his face. As if he was on fire he rushed towards the room you were being operated in. His suspicions were proven right when he saw you on the table, cut open. “Why did no one page me?!” He yelled feeling enraged at the way he found out his wife was undergoing surgery.

The intern who you coerced to not tell Junmyeon looked at him with a mixture of pity and fear in her eyes. “S-she told us not to,” she stuttered out.

“She doesn’t know what she is talking about! I am her husband, your boss! If my wife is having surgery I should be the first to know!” He continued his scolding.

The main surgeon who was performing the procedure finally spoke up, “Dr. Kim I respect your feelings but I need you to leave my OR,” his voice just as firm as Junmyeon’s.

“Excuse me? Did you not hear me the first time? That’s my wife on that table!” Junmyeon threw back feeling offended he would even suggest such a thing.

“I understand that but since she is your wife you have to be outside like any other family member would. She is my patient and I will respect her wishes, and if one of those wishes is to not have you here then I will kindly ask you to leave my OR once more.” His composure remained intact, it had to, he was operating on you.

Junmyeon knew both sides of the coin, as a doctor, he knew it was unethical for him to be in the room when the surgeon asked you to leave. As a husband, it was heartbreaking to leave you behind so vulnerable. But if you didn’t want him in the room he would abide by your wishes and leave. He left the OR only to go back to your room and pace uncontrollably. How far along were you? How’d it happen? Why didn’t you tell him sooner? Why wasn’t he there? No matter which perspective he took on in everyone he was a dick. In every angle, he had chosen his career over you. He had let you go through all this alone. He had let you down. Through good times and bad, that’s what he vowed, yet there you were, right under his nose, and he had no idea at all. Did he really ruin his marriage? In times like these he hated his job, he hated his ego and his pride. If it weren’t for those three things he would’ve known. He would’ve been there.

D&C’s were usually quick and short but minutes felt like days to him as he waited for you to come back. When you finally did you were still asleep due to the anesthesia. Your doctor told him about everything, from the miscarriage to the surgery. He treated Junmyeon like a worried husband and not a know it all surgeon.

“This will take a toll on her more mentally and emotionally than physically.” He said looking at Junmyeon’s hand holding yours. “All I can say for that is be there. Take a leave of absence, because these are times when you need each other the most.”

Junmyeon nodded, “Thank you,” he said softly. The doctor cracked a half-hearted smile and left you two alone. He never thought in a million years he’d see you like this. After weeks of not looking at the freckle on your cheekbone or the brown eyes that brought out your beautiful smile, here you were. He cried, hard. He cried while you were unconscious because he knew after that he would have to be your rock. Apology after apology, it was non-stop till your eyes cracked open, absorbing the bright light. There was a sharp pain in your abdomen, as expected. Using the hand that wasn’t being occupied you caressed your now empty belly. You knew it was different now, there was a void.

You glanced to your right and saw Junmyeon looking at you with the same look that intern gave you, the same look everyone from here on out would give you. Even your husband pitied you. He moved the hair that covered your face so he could see you in your entirety.

“I’m sorry.” You said softly. You were apologizing because you failed.

“No. You don’t apologize for something you had no control over ok?” He said looking at you with glossy eyes. “If anything I owe you everything. I should have been there, I should have known.” You guys were trying to place the blame on yourselves. Junmyeon listed where he went wrong in this whole thing. How he wasn’t thinking clearly and how he should have fought harder for you. But you couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all your fault. You left, you hid the baby, you had the miscarriage. So you couldn’t blame Junmyeon for any of it because at the end of the day you were the cause. But even in the midst of confrontation, not a single tear left your dry eyes. The numbness never faded.

Junmyeon told you that you would be able to go home tomorrow but where was home? Home hasn’t been what it was before. Of course, Junmyeon would be the one to take you back, he told you all about his leave of absence on how he was going to be there for you. You should have been happy but happiness was such a concept to you now. It didn’t come as easy as it once did.

So as said, the next day Junmyeon took you back to the two-story loft you shared and called home. Saying the house was messy was an understatement better left unsaid. It’s not like Junmyeon had time to clean up after himself, he barely had time to breathe. He had set up the bedroom for you, making sure you had everything you needed on hand. You missed the comfort of your bed, it’s been 3 long weeks without it.

As you laid down and stared into oblivion Junmyeon began talking. “I was thinking, maybe we should go see a therapist.”

It was a suggestion you made before but Junmyeon turned it down due to his busy schedule. Now you weren’t sure if you wanted to sit and talk about all the feelings you kept bottled up. Instead, you came up with some bogus excuse, “I’ll have to see. I have a lot going on with school this month.”

He looked at you in shock, “Why are you going back so soon?”

Because I can’t be here. That’s what you wanted to say but instead, you said, “Because I have 27 little kids who depend on me, I have plans made and promises to keep.” That was a secret jab that was unintentional yet satisfying.

“Sweetie you just had surgery. Something traumatic just happened. You need time to recover.” He was now by your side again looking at you with eyes you once adored.

“I lost my baby. It happens. I’ll be fine.” You said it so nonchalantly it scared him. “Go back to work if you want. It’s ok. It’ll be ok.” It sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than him.

The last thing Junmyeon wanted was to upset you or push you too far. So he nodded and continued cleaning up.

You did what was necessary: you slept, you ate, you showered, and you breathed. That was all you could ask for. You decided to return to school next Monday which was in 2 days. Junmyeon was still wary of that plan but he wasn’t gonna be the one to stop you from working because that would be quite hypocritical. When Monday rolled around you got up like it was any other day, but this time Junmyeon was there to see you off to work. When you were about to leave he stopped you once more.

“Are you sure about this? I’m sure they’ll understand if you come back next week.” Of course, he was worried about you, ever since that day all he did was worry about you and the more you said you were fine the less he believed it.

“Junmyeon I’ll be fine.” How could you be so calm about everything? This was far from fine. Even though Junmyeon got the ok for him to go back to work he didn’t. He stayed home to care for you and watch you.

As suspected you threw yourself into your work and quickly you canceled everything out.There was always some school play you were helping with or an after-school tutoring session. Making yourself preoccupied was second hand to you.

After your first week back you took a bath. The hot water warmed up your skin and soon you closed your eyes in serenity. Lower and lower you slipped till you were completely submerged. After the first 15 seconds you should’ve came up for air but there you were going into your second minute. You closed your eyes and let the rest figure itself out. Slowly you began to fade into a deeper sleep till finally you were pulled by a pair of hands.

You coughed up some swallowed water and gasped for air. “Are you OK?!” You wiped your face and stepped out the bath like nothing happened.

“I’m f-“

“PLEASE STOP WITH THE ‘I'm fines ’ and the ‘I’m Ok’ I can’t take it anymore! You aren’t fine and when will you realize it?!” After weeks of stepping on eggshells around you, he was done. “You nearly drowning in the tub isn’t fine! You going back to work less than a week after a miscarriage isn’t ok! Why are you insisting it is?!” His gaze hard on yours.

“Because if I’m not fine and ok then I’m sad.” You said softly wrapping a robe around your body.

“And what is so wrong with that? You have every right to be sad! It’s not gonna kill you to show a shred of emotion!”

You laughed and shook your head at his comment.

He looked at you bewildered at what about any of this could be funny.

“But the thing is, it is gonna kill me. If I don’t pretend to be fine then I have to face reality. And my reality is my baby died, it’s dead and there is nothing I can do about it.” The tears gathered at your waterline. “I need to be fine because if I’m not then I’m just stuck with self-pity and I already get enough of that from everyone. So please Junmyeon just let me pretend to be ok because that’s the only way I can keep breathing.”

Your first tear fell and Junmyeon caught it. His hands cupped your warm cheeks as he gazed into your brown eyes. “We can try again. I promise you we will have a family.”

You gave a weak smile, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep Jun.”

“I’ll leave. I’ll quit my job. I’ll prove to you that this is what I want. That you are what I want.”

You knew he was being serious that’s why you shook your head. “We’ve been through this once and you made it abundantly clear where your priorities lie. I’m not gonna be the person who lets you throw $100,000’s of dollars out the window just because you feel bad.”

He was taken aback at how blunt you were. “Is that what you honestly think of me? You think that I’m throwing my career away because I feel bad?”

You nodded, “Why else would you do it?”

He removed his hands from you, suddenly feeling too close to comfort. “Maybe because I love my wife. Maybe because I have vows to keep.”

You scoffed at his words, “Those vows didn’t seem to matter when I needed it to the most. Through sickness and in health?” You paused and look at him with your glossy eyes. “I was pregnant for more than a month and you were to busy to even notice.”

“You should have told m-”

You cut him off, “How? You aren’t even home half the time. What would have changed if I told you? You would have still been working, you would have still chosen surgery over me, over us,” guilt-tripping was such an understatement.

“I work to give you this home, those designer clothes, and bags. I work for you!” Junmyeon said in clear frustration.

“Is that what you tell yourself? Do you wake up every morning and get ready for me? Do you cut people open for me? Do you overexert yourself for me?” He was silent. “Because I didn’t ask you to do any of that? I didn’t ask for any of this. All I asked for was you,” you looked at him with hurt eyes. “You were the one thing I didn’t have. Yeah sure I should be grateful for the life I have but it fucking sucks when your husband doesn’t even have time for you. I would choose the life of women who have a loving husband over this one any day.”

Every blow went deeper and deeper until eventually, someone had to stop it. “This is going nowhere,” Junmyeon let out an exhausted sigh running his hands over his face.

“It’s not. And I don’t think it will.” You agreed with him.

“So what are we gonna do? Stay like this forever?” His gaze fixated on you.

You shook your head no, “I don’t intend to. I can’t live like this anymore Junmyeon.” Her eyes welled up with tears.

“Then what do you suggest we do? I already offered to leave my job, there isn’t much more I can give.”

“I can’t let you do that. I can’t have you resenting me. I-I think it’s best if I leave for a while.”

His eyes shot up again. His head shook his head furiously. “N-no you can’t leave. Not again.” His hands found your face and held it softly.

“I need to. This,” she signaled back and forth between them. “This isn’t healthy for either of us. It’ll be for a month or so. I need to leave and find out what I want.”

He looked deep into your eyes, “Do you not want this anymore? Is this marriage not enough for you?”

Now it was your turn to feel guilty. You broke eye contact to let your eyes fall to the floor with your tears. “I-I don’t know what I want anymore Junmyeon. That’s why I need time to figure it out and being around you in this house will only make it worse.”

His forehead pressed against yours as his tears dropped. “How am I going to keep going without you?” He breathed out.

“You’ve been doing that for a while now Junmyeon. You can live without me. I need to know if I can live without you.”

[talix18]

November 3

Today begins with the time change back to EST, a Fleetwood Mac concert two hours away in Philly, and a head cold. I went to bed at ?? o'clock, woke up at 5:something AM, ate some leftover Halloween sugar, and put myself back to sleep. It's now 10:30 and I've finally made my way out of bed. My intentions are to pace myself and nap so that I'm still awake for the drive home from Philly, but this day's start is not encouraging. I've eaten some pizza for breakfast, so I'm thinking of taking some Excedrin or cold medicine, which will add yet another variable to this consciousness management equation.

I'm saying it's a head cold, but really it's just congestion and a headache. I'll see what's in the medicine cabinet when the cat gets off my lap.

Yes, I've become that sad middle-aged lady in the office with no husband, no kids, and two cats. I know that there are pros and cons in all of these choices, and I know just about the same number of people who are happy with their families as people who are either struggling as single parents with young kids or in unhappy relationships and really, there are no guarantees anywhere. The goal, as Sinead O'Connor put it back in the 80s, is to not want what I haven't got. But that has never been my MO.

Almost every decision I've ever made (or failed to make) has been about giving myself the maximum possible outs. I've never been good at commitment – I've always wanted room to move and now that I have it, I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. I've got all the freedom and independence to make grand gestures and absolutely no idea what to do next.

There's this saying in my specific 12-Step program that says something like “working this thing will give you a life beyond your wildest dreams” and I have a lot of issues with that. (Of course, because I am a philosophizer and an addict, justifying and rationalizing all the livelong day.) My wildest dreams include being in a loving relationship and being Stevie Nicks, so clearly I'm falling short.

So I think, well, maybe that “life beyond your wildest dreams” stuff means living like a productive member of society instead of sleeping in abandominiums. Having a job and a bank account and paying bills. Maybe my bottom wasn't low enough to make the life I have now seem remarkable. I've seen how using addicts live – when every decision is literally about getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. I got clean at 27 and I had very little to lose because I didn't have anything of my own. I was just about to start making some incredibly bad decisions when I got a DWI and a year's suspended jail sentence and was scared straight. I was still living at Mom's and going to grad school.

Maybe my dreams are too outrageous. I have a friend who celebrated 25 years recently and realized that she is living her best life. She has a job that she worked hard for and cares about, is married to a man who adores her, has two rescued dogs, and has a good relationship with her grown daughter. Why are my dreams on such a different scale? I have no ability to want things in any correct proportion. I can't play a damn instrument and haven't sung with anyone in public since I got clean – maybe touring with Fleetwood Mac is aiming a little high. How about I start with taking guitar lessons that don't cause me sleep-disrupting pain? That seems like a reasonable place to start.

Then there are my world travel dreams, many of which I've been lucky enough to live out. I went to India, for gods' sake. Not that long ago. That was amazing and surreal. And one of those things that really is a gift from the Universe, like my job and my house. I got the job I have because my father took my resume in to work and back then, the government had an Outstanding Scholar Program. Because I had excellent grades (despite having graduated from college ten+ years earlier), I was hired at one grade and automatically promoted several more within my first three years, where I've leveled off and received modest within-grade step increases at regular intervals since. I make more money than I ever though I would working a nine-to-five job; enough to put some away for retirement and still have enough to have a life now (like seeing Fleetwood Mac twice in one year or international travel). That alone puts me at a higher standard of living than most of the damn world.

My house also sort of fell in my lap. I had just moved back to Mom's after moving out of a friend's house – she had recently gotten engaged and he had moved in. They got a new puppy, so I took the cat and moved back into the basement. One of my friends' mom's is a real estate agent and told her to see if I was thinking about buying. I wasn't, but I was in my 30s and my cat did not get along with my mom's cats, so it was time to consider a living situation. I had been gifted stock in a utility by my mother's second husband's parents when I was a kid; that money was more than enough for a down payment on this tiny house next to the state park. I was about to get one of those automatic grade increases at work and could afford the mortgage and utilities: voila! Home ownership. Only some of the factors that came together to make that happen were within my control. I've seen people stuck in relationships because they can't afford to support themselves. I've seen people move from spare room to spare room because they can't afford a place on their own. I always wanted a place to live where I'd have enough room for all my stuff and no one could kick me out. (Except the bank, obvs.) I have that and have had it for damn near 15 years.

Maybe my life has been so good for so long that I don't even notice it anymore. There are very few things I have to if I don't want to do them. Just that is a huge freedom.

India happened because I had recently gotten back in touch with a women I'd met when she did PT on my first bad shoulder. She was also a yoga teacher and I'd taken some classes with her, but our schedules stopped syncing and we hadn't seen each other in a while. I responded to one of her emails offering a new class and about a week later, she asked if I wanted to join her for an evening of kirtan. I said sure, and on our way to Annapolis, as we caught each other up on our lives, she mentioned that she might be going to India with the founder of the yoga tradition she practices. “I want to go to India!” I said before even realizing it was true, and she said “Come with us!”

Now I am not a person of spontaneity. I'm not a compulsive researcher, either, but finding out in October about a possible trip to India in January is not way out of my comfort zone. For one thing, I'm a terrible flier. I'm not sure if it's the stress of airport security or being trapped in a steel tube in the sky with strangers, but anytime air travel is involved, my anxiety levels start off near the top of the chart. And this meant flying halfway around the world to a completely foreign country, although with a group that would handle all of the hotel and travel arrangements. It was the best opportunity to go somewhere I'd probably never go on my own.

And to my surprise, my reaction wasn't “I can't do that!” It was “What would stop me from being able to do that?” I had just enough vacation saved, just enough money saved, and a mom willing to take care of my cats while I was gone. I applied for a visa and got the recommended vaccinations and found myself in Mumbai in January of '18. That was a dream I didn't even know I had until it happened.

And it was almost everything I wanted it to be. My own personal eat, meditate, and have sex for the first time in two years. All that was missing was meeting an elephant. (I'll make sure the pictures of me on a camel and of a monkey on me are included at some point.) It wasn't included on our tour (which took us from Vrindivan to Rishikesh), but we added a few days on to the end and went to the Taj Mahal. I still can't believe that happened and I have pictures to prove it did. I know there are many tourist attractions that don't live up to the hype, but trust me when I tell you that the Taj Mahal is worth going out of your way for. Our first views of it were from a distance and looked exactly life every picture you've ever seen, but as I walked toward it and the perspective changed as we got closer...it was overwhelming. The white marble of the building is inlaid with stone of every color and...the artistry is literally breath-taking. We went to a workshop where, according to our travel guide, the descendants of the craftspeople who built the mausoleum still worked creating marble pieces today, several of which made their way home with me. Those Indian people see us white folk coming and I was happy to leave several hundred of my American dollars behind with them.

And that is just sliding onto the edge of today's word count. I wonder how long it will be before I see this taking any kind of shape. I know the whole point of this exercise is just to get the words out, but I'm not sure how long I can do this without repeating myself. Would I be easier if I made something up? You'd think I could wring 10K words out of each decade I've been alive, but even I know that most of them just aren't that interesting.

[niennavalier]

Okay I wasn’t planning on doing a DS9 rant post but here it is, under the cut in case I get annoying about DS9 and romance and Julian in particular

Okay, so I swear, the writers went into the show with this idea that Julian Bashir was gonna be this fresh-out-of-med-school brilliant, attractive doctor with charm to spare and something like this ladies’ man kinda attitude. Maybe (hopefully) not that sleazy, but still. And then it didn’t really work in season 1 in regards to Jadzia, so they dropped that storyline (thank fuck).

But then it’s so weird when I think they’re trying to kinda keep it alive through the show, except it literally never really works quite right? Even though the DS9 writers are legitimately good with writing the other romances on the show?? Kira and Odo? Absolutely adorable, I would die for them. Jadzia and Worf? Who would’ve that that’d work? Not me! But I’d die for them too!

(Yes, all of these characters have other romantic interests at times, some good - like Lenara Kahn - and others less so - Bareil is really boring and Lwaxana Troi DID NOT need to be there - but they also get these fantastic long-term stories)

Meanwhile, for my favorite doctor? I might be missing some but here’s what I could think of whilst typing: Melora was...sorta forgettable (I forgot about the episode until I was just scrolling through all of them). Technically fine but...forgettable. Leeta...honestly I never understood this pairing. I legitimately don’t remember ever seeing them get together on screen; best I recall, they were just together one day and we were supposed to just accept it. Which...whatever, I’m not a fan, and this pairing did nothing for either of them. Serena, I actually liked; they were cute together in that one episode, but at the same time I’m torn because I truly believe the writers made the right choice in that she had to experience the world for herself. For all the cuteness, I much prefer her discovering her own self-worth and think that’s better for her as her own character.

And then. There’s Dax. The first couple seasons? Awkward as fuck. No thanks. But then him and Jadzia become like, best science buddies! And he painfully third-wheels for her date with Lenara in Rejoined! And it’s like “wow now that’s true friendship right there”. And I loved that relationship so much! We watched Julian grow up a lot since the pilot, and honestly, him becoming best friends with Jadzia matched that change really well. Going from this kinda juvenile crush and strange persistence to a much more mature friendship. I mean, there’s one episode (which I can’t place at the moment) where there’s some crisis on the station and they’re hiding somewhere, she’s hurt, and they’re both freezing. And he’s holding her, and she makes some comment on how past-him would’ve used this as an opportunity to try and spark something between them. But present-him isn’t like that anymore, and watching as the audience, there truly isn’t weird romantic tension between them. It’s intimacy and familiarity and comfort without the weight of romance. And it’s perfect.

But then all of a sudden, the back half of season 6 starts happening, and apparently he’s always loved her? And it’s like...where did this come from?? You were doing so well, writers, what happened?? It just...suddenly brought back all the awkwardness of season 1, except at least this time, he’s not acting on it. So instead it’s just weirdly angsty and 100% out of left field. (Also Quark loves her, which is random but less concerning to me cause at least it wasn’t reviving an abandoned plot point, like with Julian) (The Quark point isn’t relevant, but I just felt like saying it)

And that whole thing just put the biggest pit in my stomach, cause I knew about Ezri joining them in season 7 and I was just like “nooo pleeeease don’t get him together with Ezri”

Apparently I just live to be disappointed.

Full disclosure, I actually haven’t fully watched the scene where they get together, but my roommate did end up coming upon a scene of them together in bed, and I’m not that stupid. Bonus: I’m about 6 away from the end, and that in itself is kinda concerning, because now I’m double concerned that it’s gonna be rushed even worse than I thought it would. Because, as of now, she has had barely any contact with Julian, outside of just being part of the senior staff (aka being a main character). I can honestly only actively remember them having one conversation, which just existed for her to say that if Worf hadn’t shown up, then Jadzia would’ve chosen Julian. Which...okay...what now? Worf didn’t show up until season 5, wtf is this about? If Jadzia was actually in love with Julian, she would’ve done something about it. Jadzia Dax is NOT passive about what she wants, and it’s what makes her such a joy to watch. She’s even willing to act against her own culture out of her love for Lenara, despite hesitation because yeah, that’s a lot of risk. She’s willing to leave her friends to be with the dude she met in that weird world that blipped between universes. She acts with her heart and without fear, even in situations where there are barriers stopping her from doing what she wants. There was never such a barrier with her and Julian, so yeah, no, if she’d wanted him - truly wanted him - she would’ve gone for it.

The scene only exists for them to try and justify putting him together with Ezri, and it SUCKS on every conceivable level.

(Also yes, I know they have some other, normal conversations, but they’re never particularly interesting or impactful, so I don’t remember them, and that probably says something in and of itself)

For one, their lack of conversation and just...general shared screentime is so small that I can’t buy the idea that the two of them actually know each other that well. Even if they did bond off-screen, thus far, the show itself never actually gives any evidence of that while they ARE on screen. They have the same level of chemistry that Julian and Kira should have (although, strangely, the characters have much better chemistry than their screentime would seem to indicate but...well they were married IRL so...yeah). Friendly colleagues, but that’s really it. And yet, he’s gonna fall in love with her?

I don’t think so.

He’s in love with Jadzia (apparently. but that’s a different complaint, seen above). He’s in love with a past life of the Dax symbiont. That past life just happens to be contained now within Ezri, and it’s the only conceivable reason I have for why he’s interested in her at all. Realistically, had Ezri Tegan never become Ezri Dax, I doubt Julian would’ve had the same thoughts about her. Granted, people can meet by circumstance and fall in love - I’m not shitting on that idea - and I’m not implying that Julian is a dick by any means, but the show itself doesn’t give us any reason that he would fall for her. Like...what traits of Ezri does Julian find himself attracted to, aside from the fact she was once Jadzia? I don’t think the show ever actually gives any answer to that question. She may carry some shades of Jadzia’s habits and idiosyncrasies and such, because that’s how joined Trill work, but she’s also very much still Ezri. And, for the sake of her character, that should be really important? So, frankly, it’s actually just...really insulting to Ezri? That she’s not loved for who she is, but who the Dax host was. And that’s honestly just awful.

And I actually just thought of this while writing this post and complaining about that one conversation, but it also sucks for Julian a bit, too? Like, the way Ezri phrases that one line - “If Worf hadn’t come along, it would’ve been you” - it feels to me like he was very much the second choice. And...would that not feel awful to be told that? Basically that you were someone else’s back-up plan. I mean, I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t imagine that feels good. And plus, now he knows that Jadzia apparently had those feelings for him, which Ezri now carries with her. Which...wouldn’t something about that just feel wrong? These aren’t Ezri’s feelings exactly; she’s just stuck with them. And Julian is fundamentally a good person who has some idea of how the Trill work; wouldn’t this be a little like he’s...not quite using her, but allowing her to act on feelings that aren’t actually, truly hers? So the situation ends up being that she might not really love him, not as Ezri, and that would really suck for both of them.

Granted, that’s not to say she couldn’t decide that on her own; she totally could, but the show hasn’t laid the groundwork for that. And it’s also not to discredit feelings that linger from past hosts. Jadzia and Lenara are drawn to each other because of Torias and Neilani, but they also do legitimately fall in love with the people they are now and bond over their shared interests in their present forms. Honestly, the show even makes this distinction? When Ezri and Worf are stuck together, they definitely sleep together, but the show makes it fairly clear that it’s pent up tension from the two of them not talking, combined with the fact he and Jadzia were newly married. I’m pretty sure they decide it’s not really something to pursue; it was just what happened out of old instincts, not out of actual love between the two people actually involved.

Mostly, I take issue because of the first sentence of that last paragraph. The show just never sets it up. If it showed her and Julian having chemistry, I’d have far fewer complaints about this. (For fuck’s sake, I think she had a deeper conversation with JORAN. THE MURDERER. Than she really did with Julian. Now that’s a problem)

Long story short: they really shouldn’t have kept trying to shoe-horn romance in for Julian. All of his stories work better without, particularly in the long-term. The chemistry is just...never there with his long-term potential partners the writers throw at him. He really does have the best chemistry with Miles and Garak. That’s all fantastic.

(Which is to also say: I get that it was the 90s but I really wish we could’ve gotten our disaster bi doctor and his lizard spy boyfriend. Just saying)

[dtsugabby]

BTS Fic Rec

Bear with me, I’m trying to organize all of my recs from various sources. In the meantime, check out below and also my ao3 bookmarks here if what’s below isn’t enough!

A U T H O R S

Basically, I’d rec anything by these authors. They are incredibly talented and I always enjoy their works.

 dirtysope (ao3, also on twitter)

wispyoongi (ao3, also on twitter)

pauline (twitter)

bri (twitter)

kaythebest (ao3)

metastacia (ao3)

babiesko_o (twitter)

moonlitaehyung (twitter)

bloom (twitter)

F I C S

Twitter

<History> sope au in which murder mystery writer Yoongi joins a new dating app that connects people based on their internet search history. He’s matched up with Hoseok, who, unbeknownst to him, is a notorious serial killer all over the news.

jikook au where idol jimin is having a competition, whoever has the highest scores on his superstar app gets to go on a date with him. only one problem, 90% of the songs have an unbeatable high score all from the same user, "jjklovespjm". that user happens to be the idol jungkook

jikook au where jimin and jungkook are new roommates and jimin finds jungkooks hidden stash of yaoi and boylove manga under his bed but it's funny bc jungkook is straight.

jikook au where jimin and jungkook are both gay af but they think the other is straight. so, they act extremely heterosexual around each other, causing them to believe the other is straight even more. this only leads to awkward conversations and situations.

「 euphoria 」   ✧ jikook au ✧ -in which they were childhood friends. later on they both become part of different rival musical groups, and one day jm finds a love letter from jk which he wrote years ago.

jikook au where well known ceo, jeon jungkook, is seen as a huge playboy by media and the public. nobody knows that hes been married to his childhood best friend for 6 years and has a son.

Jikook AU} Whiskey   In which Jungkook comes back traumatized from war and Jimin is the bartender who lives next door. One day, as he’s coming back from work, he sees Jungkook sitting in his front porch, a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

NamJin AU In which for some reason Seokjin is just really really convinced that Namjoon is a witch. Joon found it interesting and keep taking Jin on a date, disguising it as a "prove research"

taekook au Jeongguk tries breaking up with his boyfriend through an AirDrop note but accidentally sends it to Taehyung instead, which of course, leads to a series of unfortunate events.

[jikook au] where youtuber jimin reacts to jungkook's video and jimin is introduced to the mess that is jeon jungkook

「 vminkook 」♡ hidden where taehyung finds this very popular vminkook stan account that he shows to jimin and jungkook and they spend the whole night laughing at the edits, aus and posts. what they don't know is that jungkook is the person running the account.

「 jikook au 」♤ little do you know when popular kid jeon jungkook's crush is revealed to be a certain park jimin everyone assumes it's cheerleader and social butterfly girl jimin and not nerdy bookworm boy jimin

「 jikook au 」◇ encounter park jimin's idol group makes an appearance on the hottest variety show in korea. he has a big fat secret crush on one of the hosts, jeon jungkook who is very clearly flirting with his fellow member, min yoongi - so jimin becomes petty on national tv.

[NAMJIN AU] “SKY HIGH” Seokjin is a flight attendant who keeps clashing with HR. He gets a final warning letter with one last chance. Desperate, he offers to give a passenger a blowjob in exchange for not writing a complaint, not knowing the other’s true identity...

Jimin is a single father and his little son is the biggest fan of the worldwide known singer Jeon Jeongguk~

[ jikook au ] - show me:  where jimin sent jungkook nudes over twitter but those pictures wouldn’t load on jungkook’s phone so he just replies with an ‘lmao’

[jikook au] solo artist, jeon jungkook, is getting married.

jikook social media au in which jungkook is a very famous kpop idol in the middle of his world tour and jimin is a small nsfw twt acc their worlds collide when korea’s favorite idol accidentally likes a tweet on the latter’s account

yoonseok!au in which hoseok accidentally drunk texts yoongi instead of his ex

yoonseok au where yoongi accidentally sends the wrong picture to his coworker hoseok

Yoonseok/SOPE AU In which amateur police detective Min Yoongi has to solve a series of public murder cases with no witnesses while being assisted by murderer and conman Jung Hoseok who agreed to help as it can shorten his prison sentence

<YOONSEOK/SOPE AU> in which Hoseok confesses to his long-time crush, Yoongi, by sending him a Spotify playlist. Oblivious to what’s going on, Yoongi goes ahead and drags his music choices. [mostly crack and fluff tbh]

[ jikook au ] - time where jimin can see a person’s lifespan and knows that his own time is limited but discovers that whenever he shares physical contact with jungkook he gains time but the thing is they hate each other

[jikook au] — the list nsfw in which jungkook just wants to go grocery shopping and jimin sends him an unexpected list

jikook au where jimin is a popular beauty youtuber, known for his lipstick looks. jungkook is a gaming/vlog youtuber who finally gets the confidence to post his own makeup tutorials that hes been filming for months (secretly) after discovering jimin.

jikook au where jungkook has tattoos, lots of piercings, and always wears black. jimin thinks hes dangerous and bad, until he sees jungkook with a pokemon lunchbox surrounded by dogs at the park one day.

AO3

Dynasty (series, completed, sope, taenamjin, jikook) Royal AU, slight fantasy?, I cried several times 

“Hundreds of years ago, the Gods intertwine the lives of seven boys. They suffer through war, heartache, & separation, but with the help of the Fates & their inner wolves, they all try to find their happy endings.

abo au universe on twitter;; https://twitter.com/dirtysope/status/1054116662620778496″

Peaches (series, incomplete, sope, namjin, vminkook) BDSM 101, somehow the most adorable thing ever, all commissioned

“A very nsfw modern setting AU which is centered around the boys exploring their sexualities predominantly through BDSM. The main ships are Sope, Namjin, and Vminkook, but various pairings will be explored in poly situations in shared BDSM scenes.”

Infinity (series, incomplete, sope, vmin) Vampire AU, all commissioned (I’m part of the commission group!!), sope are soulmates wbk

“This is an OT7 vampire universe that involves all seven of the boys. Main pairings will be Sope, Vminkook, and Namjin. This is your warning for darker themes⚠️ There will be compulsion, mind control, gaslighting, possessive behavior, violence, death, murder, & angst. ~no toxicity occurs within the ships~ Blood drinking will be very relevant and featured heavily!”

Charmed (series, complete?, sope-centric) HP AU! So cute, my first dirtywisp fic and tied for my favorite HP au in the fandom

“Bangtan in the Harry Potter universe.”

Infectious (chaptered, complete, sope, yoonmin, namjin, taekook, jikook, vmin, vminkook) THE zombie apocalypse AU, very angst filled, major character death, semi-happy ending (if you discount the MCD)

“During the first leg of their US tour, BTS, depleted, weary, tempers flaring, step on the stage for the second night of concerts. Little do they know, this is not going to be like any other show of their lives--instead before the end of the first song they are going to be on the run against what they can only call a zombie attack. Determined to stay alive until BigHit can rescue them, BTS is forced to be smart, resourceful, and get over themselves to survive.”

Hand In Hand (chaptered, incomplete, namgi) adoption au, disabilities au, i cried literal tears several times

“Namjoon, a sign language professor, and Yoongi, a songwriter, got certified to foster. But, they never expected that would open the door to love, heartache, pain, and most importantly, family. But, as they figure out this "dad-thing" hand-in-hand, they realize that family isn't made up of blood, it's the love that they have for each other.~or~ Namjoon's a deaf college professor Yoongi is his husband and a songwriter Seokjin is their case manager Hoseok, Jungkook, Tae and Jimin are kiddos with their own set of challenges and triumphs“

Heart of War (chaptered, incomplete, namjin, taegi, jihope) royal au

“For the protection of his people, Prince Seokjin has to marry his fiancé’s killer: the alpha king of the most ruthless and feared kingdom in all the lands with a reputation of being a cold blooded monster on the battlefield. Worst of all, the omega prince doesn't even speak their language.“

Until Dawn (series, incomplete, jikook, sope, namjin) fantasy creatures au, 100/10, tae is in it too, they all come together to save the world from various disasters major and minor, read this series

“The Documented Adventures of Your Favorite Local Supernatural Gang”

Raspberry Vodka (chaptered, complete, jikook) college au, misunderstandings

““You don’t have to make excuses.” Jimin crosses the room and Jungkook follows him to the doorway, all the words he wants to say jumbling together in his head but never making it to his lips. He wants to tell Jimin he’s just inexperienced and way too drunk and all he needs is a second to calm down and reassess his thoughts before he throws up from stress, but Jimin is already opening the door and stepping out into the hallway and oh god, he needs to say something.“I’m a virgin!” Jungkook shouts.“

Like A Hard Carry (chaptered, complete, namjin, yoonminseok, taekook) overwatch au, social media au

“In which: Jungkook, a popular Twitch streamer with both the self-esteem of a wilted piece of lettuce and the impulse control of suicidal squirrel, convinces his best friend Jimin to do a livestream for him; RM, captain of a pro Overwatch team, is suddenly missing a sniper; Jin, in an attempt to make things better, just makes them worse; Hoseok screams in various different volumes and moods; V, a pro-gamer, finds an incredible sniper, a cute boy, and a crush, making the mistake to think that they’re all the same person; Yoongi isn’t sure which one of his friends is going to make him die from second-hand stupidity first; and Jimin is caught in the middle of a love triangle that he’s not ACTUALLY a part of, one that he actually is a part of, and that fact that no matter how much Jungkook tries, Jimin will always be absolutely terrible at Overwatch.“

Vocal Princess (chaptered, complete, yoonmin) crossdressing on a dare au, yoongi is very gay and very confused, Jimin is embarrassed and trying his best

“Fed up with his inability to understand women, Jimin's sister dresses him like a girl. Jimin finds himself working with a producer, Yoongi, and donning his disguise for much longer than he intended. Jimin wonders if he’s losing his mind or if he’s really falling for a guy. Meanwhile, Yoongi is VERY GAY AND VERY CONFUSED WHY HE’S SO ATTRACTED TO THIS WOMAN IN HIS STUDIO. aka Jimin dresses as a girl and Yoongi has a heterosexual crisis.“

City of Stars (chaptered, complete, namgi) hanahaki au, so so good, but fr, FUCK THE ENDING

“hanahaki disease: an illness where the victim regurgitates and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from unrequited love. this can only be cured through surgical removal, however the victim's romantic feelings for their love disappear along side with the infection. yoongi starts coughing petals for namjoon, a witch with a constellation of stars glowing on his cheeks – except, flowers aren't the only things ripping his insides apart.“

jung hoseok writes instruction manuals (while stupidly in love) (series, complete?, sope) so so fluffy and cute, list au

listen to my heart (can you hear it sing) (chaptered, complete, namjin-centric) abo au, namjoon is a big dummy but we love him

“Seokjin wasn't his, but he was still as every bit of 'his' as the rest of the wolves in the pack, and Namjoon was going to have to learn to live with that.In which Namjoon constantly, to everyone's disappointment, fucks up.“

delta (chaptered, complete, namgiseok) very very good poly rapline, canon divergence?, angst but happy resolution

“He was the last person Namjoon expected to hear from - thought he was dreaming when he saw the email in his work inbox. It was short and simple, typical Hoseok. Just: We saw what happened. We’re so sorry. If you need get away for awhile, you’re always welcome to come stay with us - JH. He wonders now if Hoseok was surprised when he said yes. If Hoseok only extended the invitation because he didn’t think Namjoon would actually come.(Or: Namjoon chose a solo career and left Yoongi and Hoseok behind. Seven years later, after being outed by a Korean tabloid, he ends up on their couch in Queens, trying to face an uncertain future. And confront feelings that have persisted for nearly a decade.)“

Good Friends (series, complete?, yoonmin, namjin, taekook, vhope) hilarious, misunderstandings, college au

“Yoongi likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend. Jimin likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend. Little do they know there's actually crossover in their friend groups.”

Just Another Game (chaptered, incomplete, yoongi x everyone, many side pairings) a n g s t, I am a beta on this fic, great writing, author is interactive

“Set during 2019, after their world tour and after Answer's release. Min Yoongi's career has put him in bisexual hell: living with six hot bandmates who think it's really funny to flirt and get handsy with him and with each other all the time. Between constant struggles like not knowing whether he and Jimin nearly made out while drunk, to bed sharing with Jungkook every other night, to not being sure how to stop imagining what it'd be like to kiss Namjoon, it's only a matter of time before he loses his mind as he realizes he's in love with six perfect but very straight boys. After Yoongi drunkenly comes out as bi, he can’t remember the confession the next day. Taken by surprise, the boys lightheartedly start a competition to see who Yoongi finds the most attractive in the group. The objective is set to getting a kiss from Yoongi before he finds out about the competition. Though they mean well, things go downhill fast for all of them. As they each realize they are attracted to Yoongi, they start taking things too far beyond what they’d signed up for.”

eternal sunshine (oneshot, complete, sope) canon au, i commissioned this fic!!, I love it so much, slight angst then fluffy sexy times

“Yoongi is having a rough day at practice. He's not focused on the choreo, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't seem to get anything right. But luckily for him he has Hoseok, and he always knows how to put Yoongi's broken pieces back together. “

offer me your deathless death (yoongi is a serial killer!AU) (series, incomplete, yoonmin, namjin, vhope) a bit of an odd read but I loved it, dark, not what you think, pulls at heartstrings

“a peak into the lives of the rich and the powerful (non-linear; no specific order of stories)Notes:mainly yoonmin, but there's namjin and vhope too! :D (also known as the jimin is a ceo!AU and the namjoon is a hospital-owner-person!AU)”

to the moon and back (chaptered, complete, vmin, vminkook) vmin are supernatural hunters, poor kookie, something’s not quite right in this town 

“"The other kids think that Jimin is strange. And he is, to be fair. Sometimes Jimin talks to people that aren’t there. Sometimes he starts crying, randomly, and then a moment later the wailing siren of an ambulance or police car can be heard outside. Sometimes he just shuts down and won’t talk to anyone." Jimin and Taehyung are basically professionals. When they're called in to deal with a werewolf terrorizing a small town, they know the deal. Things are rarely as they seem.”

Spine Breaker (chaptered, complete, sope, namjin, taekook) hunger games/ready player one au, video game brought to real life, plot twists, angst but a happy ending

“The clock is ticking, Jeon Jeongguk only has two bottles of water, one lunchbox, and ten bombs with which he has to kill six people if he wants to live. He's just eighteen and the only experience he has throwing bombs includes sitting in front of his screen, smashing buttons on his controller and swearing at his longstanding in-game rival, VforVictory. Someone has recreated the hit warfare videogame, Spine Breaker, and although Kim Seokjin is the mascot of the game, he knows nothing about how to play it but now finds himself launched in the middle of a stranded island, his bombs missing, his glasses smashed, and a pursuer who wants something more sinister than just his death. Min Yoongi knows why he's here. He knows why everyone is here, but his battles had begun long ago. The clock is ticking and Yoongi is running out of time, but he knows that zero is not the end. It's kill or be killed.”

The Shaman and the Exorcist (chaptered, complete, namjin-centric) SO GOOD, ghost hunter au, seokjin is a fake bitch and namjoon is pissed, angst angst angst, ok ending though

“Seokjin doesn't believe in ghosts. Which would cause a huge uproar if everyone knew since he's kind of a big deal at his university; he's a shaman who protects people from evil spirits. He doesn't remember where he got the idea to do this from, all he knows is that superstitious people pay good money. Namjoon does believe in ghosts. Better yet, he can see them and he can expel them. But there's a certain phoney shaman at his university who's stealing all his clients in his exorcism business, and he's not happy about it because haunted people pay good money. So, what do they do? Figure out whose closet is holding all the skeletons, of course.“

charmed (oneshot, complete, namjin) very cute, existential, seokjin got tricked boo hoo

“"So you’re not going to eat me?" Seokjin asks, just to confirm."Why would I eat you?" "Because you’re a dragon," Seokjin says slowly, because it should be obvious, despite Namjoon not looking very dragon-y at all. Namjoon looks unimpressed. "I may be a dragon, but I’m not an animal."”

Monster Private Eye (series, incomplete, namjin, vhope, jikook) funniest thing ever, namjoon is a detective and kook is his assistant, tae is a mess, jimin is an idol, solve crimes be gay 

“Kim Namjoon (klutz, genius, poet, private investigator) solves cases for the unusual and secretive clientele of Monster Private Investigator. His assistant, Jeon Jungkook (big muscles, bigger heart) helps out. Each story revolves around Namjoon taking on the request of a different member (noted in the title), for a total of 7 cases in this collection, all from Namjoon’s POV. Members also appear in chapters that are not focused on them. All works can stand alone, but I suggest that you read them in order to fully enjoy the characters and relationships as they grow. Enjoy!“

bts hogwarts au (series, incomplete, vmin, namjin, sope) my other favorite HP au, set in the same time as the books but focused on the boys instead with their own storyline, angst, fluff, dealing with coming out and accepting yourself and others

“a series of non-linear snapshots of bangtan’s life at hogwarts. [all ships are main ships] green: yoongi, jimin, jeongguk. red: seokjin, namjoon. yellow: hoseok, taehyung.”

creating a home (series, incomplete, namjin) foster parents namjin kids all the other members, heart wrenching, fluff, would read again and again, follows them as they grow up

“A BTS Foster Care AU”

the professor’s family (series, incomplete?, namjin, taekook) professor! namjin, jungkook is his student, poor kookie, he has the hots for tae

“Professor Kim Namjoon is married. He doesn't have a wife. They have a sort-of son. And Jeon Jungkook just crossed paths with them.”

More to be added!!

[silver-tangent]

I am really tired of Conservatives being hypocrites strutting around acting like their side has done no wrong.

[haledamage]

Pairing: Female Cousland/Nathaniel Howe

Story Summary: Cathain Cousland had been in love with Nathaniel Howe for as long as she can remember. It doesn’t take long after they reunite in Amaranthine to realize she still is.

Chapter Summary: As they left the Blackmarsh, less gloomy and haunted but still mud and swamp and mud, Cait had plenty of time to reminisce on all the ways she hated being right.

As they left the Blackmarsh, less gloomy and haunted but still mud and swamp and mud, Cait had plenty of time to reminisce on all the ways she hated being right.

She bit her tongue against the complaints and curses that still stewed in her mind, though. There was no use in angering their new companion, and Cait didn't know how he'd react to her hurling insults at his home.

Cathain was proud of the diversity of those she'd traveled with since she'd become a Warden, the different points of view she had gotten the chance to understand. Mages and templars, dwarves and elves, qunari and golems, and at least two men who had actively tried to kill her and whom she now counted among her most staunch supporters.

Justice… was something new. To put it lightly.

Kristoff had probably been a handsome man in life, but he'd clearly been dead a few days in bad conditions when Justice had been forced into his body. Now, there was no way to deny or pretend he was anything other than a walking corpse. His face was sunken, nearly skeletal - especially around his nose and jaw - and he looked too delicate to be able to move under the weight of his armor. His clouded eyes glowed faintly blue from the strength of the spirit within. Cait had to suppress a shudder whenever he looked her way; she had the distinct feeling that he could see into her soul and was taking her measure.

But Kristoff had been one of hers, or would have been, and she could feel him buzzing in her blood as clear as Nate or Oghren. So she had accepted Justice's offer to help, and now one of her Wardens was a spirit. An actual blighted Spirit of Justice. Wonders never cease.

With the death of the Baroness, they'd cleared the miasma from the marsh. The air was lighter, the sun finally penetrating the canopy. Conversation flowed easily again, and Cait's head finally started to clear.

"Is this what it's always like for you?" Nathaniel asked in something akin to awe. "Can you go anywhere without saving cursed people and fighting ghost dragons?"

Oghren cackled, answering before Cait had a chance, "I could tell you some stories. The Commander attracts trouble like I attract the ladies, heh heh."

"So you must live a very boring life," Anders muttered dryly.

Cathain bit her lip to stop from laughing. "He's literally been married twice."

"Are you serious? Him?"

All she could do was nod, silent giggles shaking her shoulders.

Anders shook his head. "I need to rethink my whole life now."

Oghren didn't hear them, though. He was in storytelling mode, waving his arms wildly as he spoke. "What do you want to hear about? When she found the actual physical remains of the Chantry prophet and had to fight a high dragon and the cult that worshiped it?"

"That dragon almost killed me."

"When she found a Paragon in the Deep Roads from the time of the First Blight?"

"I was just trying to find your wife."

"When she cured a werewolf curse?"

"Technically, the werewolves cured themselves. I just mediated."

"When she won a duel with Ferelden's greatest general and single-handedly ended a civil war?"

"It was hardly 'single-handed'."

"Cait!" Anders laughed. "Andraste's flaming knickers, just take the blasted compliment!"

Cait shut her mouth with an audible click of teeth, stopping any more denials from pouring forth. "Maybe I do attract trouble. Explains how I got stuck with you lot."

"I always said life would never be dull with you around," Nathaniel said fondly. "If only I'd known how right I was."

Anders threw an arm over her shoulders. "I bet Denerim is insufferable. Is that why you moved out to, what did Wade call it - 'Turnip Keep'?"

Cait leaned against him, thankful for once at his attempted levity. "Ugh. It's like everyone in that city forgot my name the moment the archdemon died. I didn't even kill the blighted archdemon."

"Tell you what," Anders said with a poor excuse for a wink, "next time you have to go to Denerim, I'll go with you! Everyone will be too busy scowling at the mage to even notice the Hero of Ferelden!"

Cait pulled away from him so she could look up at him, searching his face to see if he was joking. He wasn't. "Anders, that may be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"Does that mean I get to call you Caitie yet?"

She laughed, feeling better than she had in days. "Don't push your luck."

-------

"Do you… eat?" Cait cringed at the way it sounded, but could think of no more polite way to phrase it.

If Justice was offended, he didn't look it. Or maybe he just hadn't figured out facial expressions yet. "I require neither sleep nor sustenance. I will keep watch over your camp through the night."

It was tempting, the idea of a full night's sleep, but… "I'd like someone to take watch with you. We were ambushed on the road less than four days ago, I'd like an extra pair of eyes on the trees."

"You do not trust me." He said it plainly, again not offended, just observing.

"I don't know you," Cait corrected, "though I don't think you mean us harm. But regardless, I'm not lying to you. We lost most of a day's travel because I got injured. I don't want to be caught unaware."

Justice stared at her, unblinking. She fought the urge to look away. "Very well," he stated, and then he didn't acknowledge her anymore.

“I'm going to go gather firewood." Cathain stepped into the forest before anyone else tried to talk to her.

She wasn’t that lucky. She was barely into the deep woods when she felt Nathaniel join her. She couldn’t hear him, but she knew he was there. “I hope you don’t think you’re being subtle,” she said lightly.

“We need to talk,” he growled, right behind her.

“I know we do.” She didn’t turn around, wading further into the underbrush. “And we will, after dinner. Right now we have work to do.”

“Caitie, please, will you just stop.” He grabbed her wrist and dragged her to a halt.

Cait whipped around toward him and stared at that point of contact. She tested his grip, but it held firm. He wasn’t hurting her, but she’d have to hurt him to break free. She looked up at him, then back at his gentle but implacable hold on her arm. She tried reaching for calm, but all she found was anger. “Let me go, Nathaniel,” she warned, voice low.

He stepped closer, trying to intimidate her with his size alone. “Did you know you only call me Nathaniel when you’re mad at me?”

“Did you know that the last time a man grabbed me like that I broke his nose? Let. Me. Go.” She took a step toward him, crowding him even though she was several inches shorter than he was. She met his eyes, jaw set in a clear challenge.

Nate blinked first. He released her wrist and she rubbed at it, even though he hadn’t left any mark at all. He backed up a step. “You are the most stubborn, infuriating woman I’ve ever met.”

“So I’ve been told,” Cait said bitterly. Her hands were shaking. She clenched them at her sides until they stopped. “I know what I am, Nate. I don’t apologize for it. There was a time when you found that attractive.”

“Maker help me, I still do,” he snarled. Her eyes widened at that confession, but he didn’t give her time to think about it. “It isn’t like you to run away like this, Caitie.”

“How would you know what I’m like?” She hissed and stepped forward, getting in his face again. “What makes you think I’m the same person I was when you left? That either of us are?”

Nathaniel grabbed her by the shoulders. He looked like he wanted to shake her until some sense fell out, but he didn’t. Softly, he said, “I don’t expect you to be. I just want a chance to find out for myself.”

Her anger faded. Without it, she felt cold. Tired. “And what if you don’t like what you find?”

“Is that what you’re scared of? Caitie, there’s no way you could change so much that I wouldn’t still--” he cut himself off abruptly, but Cait knew how that sentence ended and it hit her like a blow to the chest. “I’d like us to be friends again. I thought we were.”

“We are,” she whispered. It didn’t feel sufficient. She thought back to their talk not even a week ago when they left the Vigil, and added, “You have never been ‘just’ anything.”

His smile was a sweet and beautiful thing. “Neither have you.” Moving slowly, giving her plenty of time to refuse him, he lifted his hand to touch her face. She leaned into it.

Her eyes fluttered shut against the intensity of his pale eyes and her whirring thoughts. “Do you ever wish I were something… else? Softer? Less aggressive, less angry?”

“Does this have something to do with that talk we had over the fire?” Nathaniel asked quietly. Cait could feel his breath on her skin as he spoke.

“Yes. And you didn’t answer my question.” This felt familiar, this closeness, like sneaking away from their families to have a few moments they didn't have to pretend. He was taller, broader, older than he had been then, but his eyes were the same. So was the way he looked at her.

His hand brushed over her cheek and into her hair, cupping the back of her head and gently coaxing her to look at him again. “Never. If you were, you wouldn’t be you. If I had the choice of every man and woman in Thedas, I would still pick you every time.”

Cait touched his face, tracing the stubble on his jaw; he was going to have a full beard by the time they made it back to the Vigil at this rate. “I have obligations.”

“I know.”

“Things I have to take care of before I can even consider any kind of personal commitments.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to lose you again,” Cait whispered, and her voice broke. There it was. The truth under all her excuses, finally out in the open.

“Shhhh, I know.” Nate traced his thumb over her bottom lip. “I’m here. We’ll figure the rest out as we go.”

She grabbed onto the front of his armor to drag him down to her level and pressed her lips to his.

She hadn’t meant for it to be anything more than that, but his hand clenched in her hair and tilted her head back just so. She made a tiny, hungry noise in the back of her throat and he surged forward, pulling her flush against him, and any hesitations Cait still harbored flew right out the window.

They kissed like they'd waited eight years for it. Every ounce of loneliness and longing and pain from nearly a decade apart, all the frustration and anger from the last month poured from them and into each other in a desperate and almost violent meeting of lips and tongues and bodies.

Too soon, they had to break apart to breathe. Cait finally took the opportunity to run her hands along those glorious shoulders, feeling the muscles bunch and shift under her touch. Nathaniel had one hand splayed across her hip and the other still tangled in her hair and his eyes were dark and warm. Cait would burn the whole blighted world to ash if he asked it of her, if it meant he'd keep looking at her like that.

He pressed his forehead to hers and she took several deep, calming breaths. She wanted to kiss him again, but was much too wound up and emotional for that to lead anywhere except her tent. Cait had a lot of things she wanted to say to him; she wished she knew where to start.

When she did finally speak, it wasn’t to Nate. “Enjoying the show?”

"We were just wondering if you'd be back with that firewood before sunrise," Anders said casually. He appeared from around a tree about ten feet away and leaned against it. "How did you know I was there?"

"I can literally feel you in my blood. I couldn't ignore you, no matter how much I wanted to. Give it another month, maybe two, you'll feel it too." As she spoke, she pried herself reluctantly away from Nathaniel. He let her go, but didn't let her go far.

"That is a very interesting fact and also a clever way to change the subject," Anders' grin was sharp and lethal.

She sighed. "I'll be right there with your blighted firewood, okay?"

"I'll head back to camp with Anders. I doubt we'd get anything done otherwise," Nathaniel said. Before she could react, he turned to her, tipped her chin up, and kissed her, quickly but very thoroughly. Then he walked away before she could find anything to say in response.

Anders rolled his eyes in a way that reminded her abruptly of Fergus, an affectionately annoyed, brotherly expression. "Right, well, I'm going back to camp. You might want to fix your hair or something." He waved and left.

Cait didn't think they needed firewood. The heat from her flushed face would be enough to keep them all warm tonight.

-------

Justice was perhaps an even worse conversationalist than Cait had anticipated. He answered any questions asked of him without rancor but also with as few words as possible. He offered no questions in return except those he deemed necessary, about maintaining the campfire or what he should be keeping watch for while the others were sleeping.

They were barely an hour into first watch and she could already tell it would be a long night.

She watched him from across the fire. He was unnaturally still, unblinking, no shifting or breathing or any of the other tiny movements people made without noticing. And when he did move, it was never all at once. She watched him watch a bird bouncing in the trees above them, and Justice moved only his head to track its movement, the rest of him still as the grave.

When the bird moved past him to the point that his head couldn't turn farther, he abandoned his pursuit and turned back to the fire. His clouded, glowing eyes met hers.

"This must be very strange for you," she said softly.

He studied her in silence, so long that she thought he wasn't going to answer, before saying hesitantly "…It is. In the Fade, the world changes around you constantly. But not here. I can close my eyes and know that when I open them again, things will be as they were."

Justice closed his eyes then, and Cait felt as if hers were just opened. His silence wasn't due to coldness as she'd first thought; he was simply overwhelmed, absorbing and observing everything. He was listening to every word they said to pick up its nuance. He was watching the birds in the trees and the flowers along the road, seeing colors he'd never seen before.

A wistful look passed over his face, and his lips curled up in the first smile she'd ever seen from him. "Is that the wind? It feels good on my face."

"When we get back to the Keep, I'll take you up on the roof to watch the sunset," Cait said, her voice rough with emotion. "Colors like you wouldn't believe."

He looked at her, staring again with those soul-piercing eyes. "I would like that. Thank you."

The silence felt more comfortable when it settled again. Justice turned back to the forest, watching the leaves rustle in the breeze, the little family of deer that walked close to their camp, the pop and spark of the campfire. Cait let her eyes wander as well, trying to look at the world through fresh eyes, like she was seeing it for the first time.

"You have a question for me." Justice said eventually. Cait didn't know how long had passed in silence. "Ask."

"What kind of man was Kristoff?" It felt rude to ask, but she had to. "He was supposed to be one of mine. I was supposed to be responsible for him. I feel guilty that he died because I wasn't here."

Cait bit her lip to stop more words from pouring forth. It was more than she'd intended to say, but she meant it. What happened to Kristoff, to the Wardens at the Vigil before it had been hers, would not happen again.

"You care about the people under your command."

She shrugged. "They're my family. We protect each other, take care of each other. And I failed at that with Kristoff. Now I just want to make sure he's remembered. It's the least I can do."

Justice smiled at her, a real smile. It was more charming than she'd have expected from a corpse. "I think I understand." The smile disappeared all at once, as if it had never been there. "Kristoff was… very proud of his position as a Grey Warden. He looked forward to serving under you. He hoped to have the opportunity to help people. That's why he went to the Blackmarsh. He recognized the magic involved and thought he could help."

"He probably could have, if The First hadn't got to him. No one expected talking darkspawn," Cait mused.

Justice ignored her interruption. "He loved his wife. Her name is Aura. I do not have much basis of comparison, but I think Kristoff was a good man. I... mourn his loss."

He said the last as if surprised by his own words. After a moment, he added, "What of you, Commander? Are you a good man?"

Bryce Cousland's little spitfire, all grown up and still playing the man, a nasty, familiar voice whispered in her mind. Cait ignored it and didn't bother to correct Justice about her gender. "I try to be. I believe everyone makes good choices and bad ones. I just try to make more good than bad. It's the best any of us can do."

Justice held a hand out toward her, hesitant and awkward. "I think if I am to be trapped in your realm, I am glad it is you I travel with."

Cait clasped his hand. It felt like shaking two hands at once. One was cold, clammy, very clearly and disturbingly the hand of a corpse; the other was firm and almost hot enough to burn, the energy of the spirit within. "I hope I prove worthy of the trust you've put in me, Justice."

"The fact that you wish to prove yourself at all means that you already have."

-------

"Whaddya think he meant?" Oghren asked suddenly. It was early afternoon on the brightest day Blackmarsh had probably seen in decades. He'd been silent since the Fade incident the day before, walking at the middle of the group with his eyes on the ground.

"Welcome back, Oghren!" Anders exclaimed. "I was starting to think you'd gotten stuck in the Fade after all!"

"Go kiss a nug."

"What did who mean, Oghren?" Nathaniel said with the patience of a man with two hot-headed younger siblings.

"That… darkspawn guy. The First. He said 'The Mother' had sent him to stop you," at this he pointed at Cait, "from aiding in 'his' plans. Whose plans?"

That jogged something in Cait's memory. "The one we met at the Vigil said something like that too. That I had arrived 'just as he foretold.'"

"So whaddya think he meant?"

"Nothing good," Cait muttered. She picked at a loose thread on one of her gloves distractedly, trying to think.

"It means there's something out there more dangerous than these intelligent darkspawn," Nathaniel said darkly. "Maybe the source of them."

"Maybe two sources? Whoever 'he' is on one side, and this Mother on the other?" Anders spoke with his hands as much as his words, miming two angry hand puppet darkspawn that crashed into each other and exploded.

"And Grey Wardens in the middle." Cait crossed her arms over her chest to keep from unraveling her gloves entirely. "At least it seems to be localized. No talking darkspawn or creepy grub things at Soldier's Peak or in Denerim."

"Are those the only other places that have Wardens?" Anders asked. He wasn't normally interested in the inner working of the Grey Wardens, but he looked very curious now as he moved to walk next to Cait.

"In Ferelden, yes." She counted on her fingers as she spoke. "Alistair is still a Warden, no matter how much he hates me or says he quit the order when he married Anora. Loghain and a few visiting Orlesian Wardens are at Soldier's Peak, trying to help the Drydens turn it into something useful. We're the only active Grey Wardens in Ferelden right now."

"That's... kind of depressing actually."

Cathain laughed. "I find it refreshing. Five whole Wardens in Amaranthine? Another four or five within a week's travel if we need them? It's an embarrassment of riches."

"I feel like that explains a lot about why you are the way you are," Anders gave her what was starting to be a familiar brotherly grin.

Cait put her hands on her hips, pretending to be offended. "And just what way am I?"

"Beautiful and charming," he teased. "A picture of courtly grace. Certainly not the kind of woman more likely to punch you than smile at you."

"I think you just have that effect on women, Anders," Nathaniel muttered.

Cathain laughed along, but in her head she was already drafting all the letters she needed to write. How was she supposed to say 'darkspawn civil war' and then convince Anora and the First Warden both to not send an army to Amaranthine?