#told me that I should have it memorized- SHE HERSELF DOESNT

[chaoticas-hell]

When your parents keep accidently admitting that yeah, you're the 3rd and really the only parent to your 15 yr brother:

[kentuckycaverats]

overdue del lore update:

we're about to start the glasgow arc which is heavily tied to both del and tara, so del busts her girl out of the university and brings her back to the bookshop. when they roll up they see neville being weird on a phone call so del eavesdrops (real auspex hours) and realizes it's her mom azumi on the other end. del's told neville all about her parents (the tsugas) but it's brand new information that they're in contact. she gives him one (1) chance to explain himself and he bungles it by trying to mess with her head to erase the memory of what she overheard. she beats him by one success and Freaks tf out - he knows that's a huge trigger from the sabina days and now her faith in him is obliterated. she thinks he's tremere lying about being caitiff, and she thinks he dragged her mortal parents into the shitshow she's been trying to shield them from for years. he immediately realizes how badly he fucked up and apologizes in tears but, uh. too little too late.

he finally gives her the truth: she has fae lineage, and was meant to be a changeling. she had a fae soul in addition to her mortal one, and they should have undergone chrysalis but sabina embraced her before that happened, and the fae soul was displaced in the process. her parents knew and have been protecting her from afar; neville is actually a kiasyd, sent by his sire (also a kiasyd) to look after her.

neville says he understands if she never wants to see him again and she says she doesnt want to see him again tonight at least; not until they're back from glasgow. after he leaves she digs up some books on fae and starts doing some reading, and she comes across a page in one book that has a bunch of notes in the margins. there are some drawings as well that she recognizes immediately; theyre fae, definitely, but she knows them somehow. herself and her parents. the name below her portrait is aelsidhe aen tsugaen- the dragon wind. keeper of joy.

she unlocks a memory of ael fleeing the dreaming, her parents (they too are fae, not mortal as she always believed) telling her to run and promising they'll come find her; ael stepping through a portal into mortal baby del's childhood bedroom at her bio parents' and asking if she can stay with del awhile - "i need someone brave to protect me."

shaking, she goes upstairs to the landline she caught neville talking on earlier. she still has her parents' phone number memorized after all these years. she calls them, fully intending to hang up after hearing their voices, but as soon as azumi answers she breaks.

del is such a mama's girl :') she sobs through the entire call; they call her "my joy" and "my brilliant girl" and tell her how much they love her. she tells them she needs them to tell her the truth--she's tired, so tired, of being kept in the dark and not knowing who she can trust. and because they are the sweetest warmest most loving people who adore her with all their hearts, they agree. they confirm what neville told her and give more context; back in the dreaming they were her knights, sworn to protect her. they died helping ael escape to this world, awoke here themselves, and were amazed to find her again so easily--she and the true delphine met as children at school. they didn't know anything about vampires or the sabbat being after her, and by the time sabina sank her claws in it was too late. neville's sire knew/knows something about her, knew she was arriving in edinburgh, and sent neville to look after her. he was also the one who put neville in touch with the tsugas to keep them updated from afar.

del's friend/coterie mate mitra has been having dreams about this weird maze and he and a few SPCs have seen sabina there guarding a child trapped in a cage of thorns; we now know that it's ael, though we don't yet know why. del is going to have to face sabina for good to get to ael, and chances are good that sab makes an appearance in glasgow--as well as del's bio parents, the fujinamis.

[literaila]

the sun

“the end” 

spencer reid x reader 

this is part threeee. heres part one. and part two. you should probably read those first :) 

summary: spencer has amnesia. he doesnt remember the reader. and he has decided be doesnt want to to be continued...

warnings: mentions of blood, angst, depression, fluff, note writing if that scares you, mentions of fire, i think thats it?

a/n: hahahahahah hi. this is the last part my loves. i hope you enjoy it. thank you so much for loving it. 

***

Moving on was easy. 

Moving on was so much much simpler than trying to stay. 

Of course, moving on was so much easier than trying to wear his brain down, then trying to force the information inside, the information his brain was keeping locked up behind a thousand cages, it was so much easier than trying to break all that information out. 

Spencer didn't know her. He only knew the little bits and pieces he told him, he only knew as far as the questions he had asked, but he didn't know beyond that, he didn't know anything about the girl he had fallen for before the accident. 

So it was so much easier not trying to force himself to know her. 

It was so much easier to go through every day, to live every day, and just be himself. To just have all the information in his head, to not have to learn new things all the time, it was so much easier. 

Spencer didn't have to actively try to be a person he wasn't. 

He didn't remember her. He didn't know her. He didn't know the person he was with her. He was glad he didn't have to try anymore. 

It was a weight lifted off his shoulders, all the change in pockets had been emptied, and he was happy. 

Moving on was so easy. 

Spencer worked. He worked with his friends, who loved him just the same even after the accident. He did his job, and he wasn't missing anything. He wasn't looking for something that wasn't there. 

It was so easy. 

Sometimes, he still had to go into the hospital, still had to get an update on his brain, make sure nothing had happened, but most weeks were completely normal. And he was just himself. 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

****

That's not to say he didn't think of her. 

Because he did. 

All the time. 

***

Everything was easy. 

But there was still something. 

There was still something weighing him down, still, something that was pushing and pulling him back and forth, moving his heart from the bottom for his feet to the very tip of his head. 

There was still something wrong. 

***

It was difficult. 

Moving, breathing. 

It was difficult. 

She didn't blame him. She couldn't. She knew that, in her heart, in her head, that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't remember her, it wasn't his fault that she had been erased, and it wasn't his fault that he didn't want to keep trying. 

None of it was his fault. 

But that didn't erase the pain, the seizing, burning pain, that she felt buried beneath everything inside her. 

It was an unfortunate thing that Spencer could forget, but she couldn't. 

It was a deafening thing, to remember. 

Most nights she wished she didn't. 

Just so she wouldn't have to know all that they could’ve been. Just so she didn't have to know how it felt to be loved so desperately, to be the entire world to someone. Just so she didn't have to feel everything, to know that Spencer felt nothing when she looked at him. 

Just so she didn't have to grieve him.

 Because she had lost him. 

The man she loved, the man she had never imagined letting go, was gone. Spencer was still there, Spencer was still alive, still breathing, still Spencer. But he wasn't the same. He wasn't the man that loved her. 

That man was gone. 

It wasn't fair that she had to grieve him. It wasn't fair that she was grieving while he was still there. 

But that didn't make it Spencer's fault. It had never been Spencer's fault. 

It was difficult. to move, to breathe, to pick herself off of the cold floor that had become her home. It was difficult to do it all. 

But she did. She got up every day, she stopped looking at pictures obsessively, she stopped staring at the pictures late at night when the pain under her skin got so intense that she could sleep. She stopped reminiscing over the look that used to be in Spencer's eyes, she stopped looking at all the pictures with them together. She stopped calling him just to hear his voicemail, she stopped calling completely. She’d blocked his number. She stopped checking the FBI website every day, stopped looking for a tribute, a sign that something was wrong. She stopped texting Penelope about him. She picked herself up off the floor, and she tried, she tried to forget, she wished every day that she could just forget all of it. 

The pain wouldn't stop. Wouldn't stop coming up every time she saw a couple on the streets, every time she saw someone smiling with someone else. It didn't stop when she saw an accident on the news when she heard anything about a hospital. It didn't stop when she heard about a book Spencer had told her about so long ago. It didn't stop when she avoided her family's questions about Spencer when she ignored the phone calls she got from all her friends. 

She was an empty body. She was just trying to move on. 

She was just trying to get through each second, through each beat of her heart. 

She went to the park all of the time. 

She laid in the grass and she avoided thinking. She avoided breathing. She avoided everything and just laid there. 

She was being beaten down everyday, kicked back and forth by the grief that wouldn't leave her body, but the grief that filled her pockets filled her body, filled her brain, filled her eyes with nothing. 

She could barely move her hands some days. 

The doctors said she was fine. Said she had healed months ago, that her ribs were fine, that her head was fine, that everything that had happened had healed. She was fine. 

But they were wrong. Because wounds you can't see, they never heal. And memories that don't leave, they won't heal either. 

You have to heal for them. You have to leave for them. 

***

There was a cloud in his head. 

It was always there. Hanging on his shoulders. When he was at work, the weight seemed almost unbearable, and he was worried that it would be too much, that he would fall. But when he got home, the weight only got significantly heavier. 

But the weight when he got home. 

The weight when he got home was everything compared to the weight at work. 

It felt like he had everything, had the sun, the moon, the sky, all forced together on the cloud that was hanging on his back, that was forcing him down, forcing him to carry it. He had everything on his back, but he wasn't strong enough, he was almost not strong enough to hold it all. 

The cloud hanging over him, hanging on his shoulders never left. 

He didn't understand the cloud. 

He didn't understand why it was there, why it wouldn't leave, why it was so heavy, why it kept all the light from coming in. He didn't understand any of it. He didn't understand how it could just be in his head but feel so physically exhausting. It was one of the few things he didn't understand. 

A cloud hanging over him, a cloud proving his world to be dark, to be covered in nothing but the dark clouds that surrounded him. 

There was a cloud hung over his head. 

The sun had disappeared. 

The sun was a thing that never existed in this new world he was in. There was no sun, there was no light in his life, there was nothing but the darkness that the cloud kept him in. 

There was nothing. No warmth, no light, no sun. 

There was no sun. 

No. 

No sun.

Oh. 

The clouds swirled around him. Weighing on his shoulders. 

He got dizzy with realization. His back collapsed under the cloud weighing him down, his bones were cracking, his body was falling. 

The sun. 

His world titled.

Oh 

***

“Garica.” 

His voice was pleading, his body was still broken. 

“No Spencer.” 

“Garica, I need it.” 

Garcia turned around to look at him. Her face was hard, her eyes unmoving. She wasn't going to give into him, even when he was giving her his big eyes, his desperate face. She wasn't going to. 

“Spencer. She told me not to.” she crossed her arms, wished he would understand, wished he would stop looking at her like that. 

“Garica. She blocked me.” 

Y/N had moved. She was gone. She wasn't answering his calls, she wasn't in their old apartment, she wasn't at the park, she wasn't answering him. She was gone. 

“Spencer, I really wish I could help you, but she told me that she wanted to move on. I’m not going to disrespect her wishes.” 

Spencer sighed and felt his body sting. She wanted to move on. She deserved to move one. But she wanted to. He took a deep breath and stared at Garcia. She had to help him. She just had to. 

“Okay, don't give me that look.” She finally said, upset, her eyes mad. 

“What?” Spencer asked. 

“You said you didn't want to try anymore Spencer. You said that. That girl, she loves you with all her heart, and she would’ve gone to the ends of the earth for you. But you decided to give up. She doesn't deserve you changing your mind.” Garica sighed, flailing her arms around, relieved that she could finally get the words out of her mouth. 

She had been mad at him for a while. Had been mad that he had hurt her friend so deeply, that it wasn't even really his fault, that there was nothing she could do. She was furious with the situation, and Spencer asking her to help him find Y/N was only pushing her over the edge. 

“I don't like seeing her in pain. I don't want to see it anymore.” 

Spencer looked away from her. Ashamed. He wasn't being fair. He knew that he was angry with himself, angry that he had given up so quickly, that it took months of being apart from her to realize his attachment to her, angry that any of this had happened in the first place. 

He was angry that he couldn't remember. He’d always wished he would stop remembering things, stop being able to memorize every detail of things that terrified him. But now, now that his mind had taken away everything, had taken away the things he knew he would want to remember forever, he’d never wish to forget anything again. 

He was tired, but he wouldn't stop now. One more chance. He needed one more chance. He couldn't stop. 

“Penelope. I know- I know she doesn't deserve this.” he took a shaky breath in, messing with the ends of his shirt, looking away from her, the women he’d never thought to be threatening until now. “But I didn't see her, I didn't realize until now.” he shook his head, ashamed at the thought of not realizing. “I need her. I thought- I thought that it was different, that I must have lost the person I had been with her, the person everyone keeps telling me I used to be. I assumed that the feelings had been forgotten with the memory-” He took a breath in. Begging himself not to cry, begging his friend to just understand. He wished he wasn't where he was. He wished he was back at home, back to a year ago when he could still remember. “But- I don't know, I still feel something. I can't stop feeling it. I just-” he sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

Garica looked at him. Her eyes now soft, her expression now concerned. While she had seen him fall apart before, while she had seen him desperately in love, she had never seen him like this. 

He seemed so ashamed, so angry, to be wrong about something. He seemed like he wanted nothing more than to go back in time to change everything. 

And while sometimes she couldn't understand a word coming out of his mouth, she understood this. She understood his desperation, his intense feelings, she understood how it felt to be so wrong. 

“Reid.” she finally said, his head snapping up to look at her in surprise. 

For his sake, she pretended not to notice his red eyes, his bleeding up lip, and the dark circles under his eyes that seem so much darker than before. 

“You are not allowed to hurt her again. That girl has been through too much, is too broken, for you to hurt her again.” 

Spencer winced, reminded of all the things that he had done. 

“Do you understand me?” Garcia asked finally. Her face testing, her eyes studying him. 

He nodded his head rapidly, feeling relief in his chest. 

“Okay,” she said, and she started to write something down. 

Maybe, just maybe, he could fix what he had broken. 

***

Pain. 

Buried deep in her chest. 

Pain. 

Burned into her heart. 

Pain. 

Scarred on her body. 

Pain. 

That was never-ending. 

Pain. 

That she wondered would ever go away. 

Pain. 

It didn't seem like it. It didn't seem like this feeling, this ghost of a memory, living with her, would ever leave. 

Pain. 

She tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend that she was making it up, that like all of her doctors had said, she was fine. She needed to move on. She needed to stop obsessing, to stop worrying, to stop feeling all of this pain. She just needed to try harder, to try harder to become a person that wasn't as broken as she felt. 

She was still working from home. Even after she had moved, leaving the memories of her old apartment behind, she hadn't decided to find a new job. She was going to keep working online, working with different companies, as long as she could. 

She didn't feel like she could do anything more yet. 

She was leaving the house more often now. 

She prided herself on that. 

She prided herself on spending more time in the coffee shop that was next to her new apartment. She prided herself on the fact that she was getting to know her neighbors, meeting new people so she didn't have to be alone all of the time. She was proud of the days she spent in town, just walking around, just looking for something new to do. 

She was proud that she hadn't fallen back on the floor, that she was actively trying to do something. 

She was upset that doing these things didn't remove the pain. She was upset that her distractions could only last so long, that she couldn't just ignore it when she laid down at night, that the beating of her heart only reminded her of the heart that used to beat next to hers. 

She refused to utter his name. Refused to think it. 

She was trying to move on. 

She hadn't moved far enough to be apart from Penelope, she hadn't completely abandoned her old friends. She had only moved so that she could get out of that apartment, so she could escape the ghosts that were living in it. 

She still talked to her friend. Still called her sometimes, still talked just to catch up. 

She didn't say a word about him. 

Neither did Penelope. She understood. 

Y/N was moving on. She was going to move on. She was going to get rid of this pain, she was going to forget it, and then after that, she would move on completely. 

Time. She just needed time. She reassured herself that. 

Unfortunately, time wasn't something she had. 

There wasn't enough time for her to mend herself, to feel complete, to stop the pain flowing through her body like blood, there wasn't enough time to move on before he showed up. 

Because he showed up. 

Because still, even without the constant reminders, he was always there. 

His memories haunted her. 

At first, when she saw him, she pretended she was dreaming. Pretended that this was just another moment of sleep that she couldn't control, just another night of him filling her head like he always did, pretended that this was normal. That he always showed up to her doorstep. 

It was just a dream. 

It was just a dream. 

Even when he started talking, something he never did in her dreams of him, even then she still pretended it was a dream. 

“Y/N?” he asked, his eyes looking so clear for a dream. 

She didn't say anything. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, his eyes concerned now. Her dreams didn't usually go like this. Usually, he was telling her how he didn't want her, usually, her dreams turned into nightmares. 

She wondered when she would wake up. She could never sleep for too long. 

“Y/N?” 

He took a step closer. 

And then she woke up. 

She shook her head, her eyes becoming alert with panic. Her body froze up. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked. Her voice came out breathless, cracking with every word. Her mouth was dry, and her eyes were already stinging with tears. 

Why was he here? 

“I need to talk to you-” 

“No.” she muttered, turning away from him. “No, no, no.” 

“Y/N-” 

“No.” she said harshly, her voice louder now. 

She turned away from him, turned away from the pain facing her, from the memories she didn't want to remember, she wanted to disappear. 

Pain. There was so much pain. In her body, in her brain, in her eyes. 

She wiped away a tear that fell from her eyes. Surprised that she was already crying. 

“Y/N. Please?” 

And she wanted to say no. She did. But she was tired, and she, she just couldn't. 

She nodded, leading her into her apartment. She tried to calm herself down, tried not to sob at just his voice, tried to stop the tears from running down her face. 

She dropped her stuff by the door. Kept walking. She stood in the middle of the room, waiting for the man following her to say something. 

“I like your apartment,” Spencer said softly, trying to break through the silence gently. 

“Spencer,” she almost screamed at the taste of his name in her mouth. She sighed, turning to look at him. Avoided his eyes. “Why are you here?” 

She didn't want him to be here. She didn't want to be there. 

“I need-” Spencer swallowed. “I need to talk to you?”

She wasn't happy with that answer. Wasn't happy that he was here. Wasn't she supposed to be moving on? 

“What could you possibly have to talk to me about Spencer?” she said, sudden anger coming out of her voice. “What could be left?” 

Spencer took a step back. He was shocked by her reaction. In the few months, he had gotten to know her, he had never known her to be impatient, in fact, she was quite the opposite, she was always calm and collected. She had never raised her voice, never said anything to him with any malice. He supposed she was tired. Tired of not being mad. He supposed he deserved it. 

“I need- I just-” Spencer tried to collect himself. Tried not to be nervous. He clenched his fists over and over again, trying to force the words out of himself. “I shouldn’t have ever stopped trying, I just- I was wrong. Again. I don't-” 

“No.” Tears shimmered in her eyes as she looked at him. She shook her head insistently.

“Y/N-” 

“No.” She gritted her teeth, her eyes now threatening. “You don't get to change your mind again. You don't get to be wrong again. I just- I can't do this again. I can't- I can't have you change your mind all the time.” Her eyes were red and hot and she ignored the way he was looking at her. “When will you understand that I-” she paused gasping and throwing her head back, the pain burning her throat. “I love you.” she broke. 

Falling to the floor, falling back to the place she had been before. 

“You can't do this to me- you can't” she gasped. “I can't- I can't.” 

Spencer tried to move toward her, tried to find some way to comfort her, tried to do something so that the tears would stop falling from her eyes. 

“No!” she shouted, her voice raw with pain. “No! Go- just go- I can't-” 

And because Spencer couldn't bear to see her like that anymore. 

He left. 

She sobbed against the floor. Feeling nothing but relief as he walked out the door. 

***

It was a week before anything else happened. 

*

Y/N woke up and got dressed as if nothing had happened. She had been pretending nothing had happened for days. 

Today, she had decided she was going to go pick up things to bake something. 

Today, she wanted to be distracted. 

She had spent all night, tossing and turning while dreams danced in her head. Dreams of Spencer, dreams that always turned into nightmares. 

She needed distracting. 

She was still pretending nothing had happened. 

And she was walking out the door, ready to keep pretending, when she saw a cup of coffee on her doorstep. A note rested against it. 

She furrowed her brows and looked at it. 

Her name was written on the note, in a messy scrawl. She pretended she didn't recognize it. 

She opened it. 

I’ve decided to start slowly. I’m hoping it's easier for you. 

I’m sorry Y/N. 

But, I’m hoping I can build back your trust. In whatever way is easiest for you. 

This morning, please enjoy the coffee. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

Spencer. 

She ignored the tears glistening in her eyes. She was too tired of crying. 

She decided then she wasn't ready. 

The coffee was good. 

***

The next day, there was a muffin at the door. Y/N was still surprised. She hadn't expected anything else. 

Y/N, 

Garcia told me which muffin was your favorite. I’m sure I knew once. 

Don't worry. I'm still trying. 

I hope you’ll be there when I remember. 

I’m not giving up this time. I promise. 

Call me when you’re ready/ 

Spencer. 

This time she let the tears run free. She laughed. 

This was her favorite muffin. 

***

And it didn't stop. 

Today, I brought you a book. 

I heard it was your favorite. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

Spencer. 

***

Y/N, 

I spent my day thinking of you. 

Strangely, I miss you when you’re not around.

I didn't realize I felt like that until I gave up.

I hope you enjoy the candle. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

Spencer. 

That day, she felt a pang in her heart, she smiled, acted like she wasn't hoping for anything. 

***

I can't remember seeing you for the first time. 

But, I can remember you walking into the hospital room. I remember how sad you looked, how tired you seemed. I’ve been trained to notice little things, so I knew you were nervous. I knew you were trying not to make me uncomfortable. 

I finally understood what Derek was talking about when I first saw you. 

Even though I can't remember seeing you for the first time, I know I thought you were beautiful. 

I still think you’re beautiful. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

Spencer. 

***

I regret ever letting you go. 

I hate that I can't live in our memories with you. 

I’m hoping you can wait longer, I’m hoping you’ll grace me with a little more patience. 

I know it's not fair. 

I don't want to lose you. 

Call me when you’re ready.

Spencer. 

***

Garcia told me that you have a sugar addiction. 

We have that in common. 

So I brought you some chocolate. 

I hope it's enough for now. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

***

Weeks went by. Y/N never called. But, Spencer noticed that she was reading them, that she was taking the time to read them, and taking his gifts. He would wait. He could live with waiting longer if she wasn't ready. This time, he was going to let her call the shots. 

And each day he was going to learn more about her. 

Learn more about why he loved her. 

***

There's not a gift today. 

Only my words. 

I hope that is enough. 

I want to explain why I left, why I gave up. 

Some of it was for purely selfish reasons, I didn't want to have to keep pretending to be the Spencer you needed. I didn't want to have to keep working for memories that clearly weren't there. I was tired, but I know that's not a good excuse. 

But, I also did it for you. 

I didn't want you to have to keep pretending for me. I could see how much it hurt you, how much all of my questions broke you just a little bit more. I didn't want that for you. I know now that leaving wasn't a good decision. And I’m sorry.

But, I also know that if I could keep anything from hurting you I would. 

I’m going to try to protect you from everything. That includes me. 

I’m not going to give up this time. Not until you ask me to. 

Call me when you’re ready. 

Spencer. 

That day, that message, then. 

She felt ready. 

***

“Spencer?” 

She held the phone to her ear, listening to his breathing. 

Eventually, she heard a sigh, she heard a smile. 

“Y/N,” he breathed out in bliss. 

***

She was laughing when they walked through the door. 

They had been out at the park, playing chess, when it started raining. 

It was a welcome surprise. 

Eventually, they had decided to walk back to Y/N’s apartment, Spencer warning her that she might get a cold, and her teasing back but relenting anyway. 

She didn't know that two months could be just as amazing as they had been. 

She had eventually called him, had eventually been ready to talk to him, been ready to move on, this time with him. She had decided that she was willing to risk herself one more time, willing to give one more chance to the man she loved. 

Spencer understood that. He knew that he only had one more chance to be with her, only one more chance to fix the things that he had broken. He had accepted that. He was giddy at the thought of another chance anyway. 

Together, they had decided that instead of trying to rebuild the memories they had lost, they were going to create new ones. 

It was amazing what past mistakes could fix. It was amazing what could be created in only two months. 

They had spent two months getting to know each other again, going on dates, asking each other questions, questions that didn't put any pressure on the two of them. They went to movies, and dinner and they spent time with their friends. 

And while it wasn't exactly the same, and they still had to get to know each other as the people they had become after the accident, it was a perfect start. 

Bliss was what they lived in. 

Y/N almost thought she was dreaming. 

Months ago, she was terrified at the thought of Spencer leaving, grieving the person she had once known, the man she loved. 

Now, she was with him. Now, she had decided to start over with him. 

And so they were laughing. 

They both shook off their coats, smiling at each other as they walked into the apartment. Y/N went to set her bags down as Spencer struggled to get his shoes off near her door. 

She was smiling, the only pain in her body was the ache of her heart, knowing that Spencer was there with her in her apartment. 

“Do you have anything I can change into?” Spencer asked, standing in front of her with completely soaked clothes. 

She giggled a little bit, amused at his weary expression. “Yeah. There's a box full of some of your old stuff that I found when I was moving. It's in my closet. Top shelf.” 

Spencer smiled as she turned away, walking into the kitchen to make them lunch, he watched her for a moment before turning into her bedroom. 

Over the past couple of months, Spencer was surprised at how much he was finding out about his girlfriend. He learned more about her than he had in the months after the hospital. It was a surprising change, it was a happy change. 

His clouds, the clouds that had been following him everywhere, always seemed to disappear when she was around. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh, they all brightened the room, acted as his own personal sun. She was scaring the clouds away, taking bits of his heart as she did it. 

Spencer still didn't think she realized the intensity of his feelings. Sometimes Spencer didn't realize it. He supposed that it was easier to fall in love with her like this, to fall in love with someone a part of him had already been in love with. He was sure that subconsciously he had always loved her, that the feelings hadn't faded with the memories. 

He didn't want to rush into things this time, didn't want to scare her, to overwhelm her as he had before. It seemed silly to be afraid of admitting his feelings to someone that had loved him for five years prior, but still he couldn't shake the nerves in his heart. 

He would tell her soon. 

Tell his sun. 

He took to calling her that in his head, found it to be the only word that fit her beauty perfectly. 

She was the sun in his world. And he thought, just like the sun she would never leave. 

He walked into her room, smiling at the books spread across her bed, and went directly to the closet. 

His cheeks were in pain due to the amount of smiling he’d been doing, he quickly tried to frown, tried to offer his sore muscles some relief, but found he couldn't do it. 

He couldn't stop smiling. 

He only smiled wider at the thought. 

It was easy to find the box she had been talking about, it being the only thing that looked like it hadn't been touched, out of place in her colorful closet with the brown of the moving box. He took it down, wondering what would be in there. 

For a brief moment, he was sad that she had this box, that she had been too afraid to open it, but reminded himself that they had started over. That she didn't have to be sad anymore. 

He grinned a little bit at that. 

He dug through the box, finding a couple of old books, some sweaters that looked nice. He looked through the clothes, found a pair of shoes he wrinkled his nose at. 

And when he got to the bottom of the box he found something else. 

A small box. 

Velvet. 

A ring. 

*

A loud crash came from the other room. Immediately Y/N felt her heart speed up, and she rushed into her room, millions of different possibilities running through her head. 

“Spencer!? Are you alright?” she shouted as she walked through the door, the silence being the only thing filling her brain. 

She was breathing heavily by the time she made it to the closet doors, not seeing him in her room. 

“Spencer are you-” she paused when she saw him sitting on the floor, his head in his hands, crawled up into the corner 

He looked so small, he looked like he was fighting with himself like there was something wrong. She wouldn't let herself worry. 

“Spence? What's going on?” she asked, kneeling down to sit next to him, she tried to pry his hands away from his face to no prevail. He wasn't looking at her, and he was sitting on the floor, and she had no idea what was happening. “Sweetie, are you alright? Is there something wrong?” she asked softer this time, just a whisper in his ear. 

She waited for him to say something. 

She looked around the closet, noticing that he had found the box she’d been talking about, she thought that maybe something had fallen on his head, maybe he had gotten a headache. That wasn't so bad. She looked over to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. 

“Spence-” 

His head snapped up. His eyes looked red, his hair was messy, and she looked down with wide eyes to notice his hands shaking. His face was white but his eyes didn't look sick, not they just looked alarmed as he stared at her. 

And then suddenly awe transformed his face. 

He was pulling her up, helping her stand up with shaking hands, his eyes only focused on her, as she looked at him confused, her eyebrows scrunched up in worry. 

“Spencer what's going on-” she started to say, but he kissed her, kissed her, and stopped her from saying anything. 

Relief and surprise-filled her body at the same time. Now, she could see that he wasn't hurt, but she still had no idea what had just happened, why he was acting so strange, why he wasn't talking to her, she didn't understand what was going on, why he was kissing her- 

She was still confused when he blurted out 

“You’re perfect to me.” 

And she looked at him with her mouth parted. 

Her eyes were confused again. 

But he was staring at her, he was looking at her with his eyes blazed and twinkling, he was looking at her and he wasn't saying a thing, just staring at her, his face completely changed from how it had been a second ago, and he was looking at her, he was looking at her like- 

Oh. 

She thought about his words. Thought about the look in his eyes. 

She gasped, bringing her hand up to her mouth. 

He smiled at her, taking her face in his hands 

“Always,” he said, and tears ran down her cheeks. 

Always. Always. Always. Always. 

He had said always. 

She gasped again, air meaning nothing compared to the words he had just said. 

Spencer just laughed, kissing away the tears on her cheeks. 

She breathed in and out rapidly, her eyelashes fluttering. 

“You-” she gasped out in shock, her voice barely there, the words barely making sense when her brain was so full of his words. “You remember,” she said, more tears flooding her eyes. 

He nodded, grinning at her. His face looked so much different than she had ever seen before, but his eyes, his eyes were looking at her the same as they always had, the same as they always had- 

She gasped again, the realization hitting her over and over.

“I love you,” Spencer whispered against her lips, leaning against her. 

He lifted the box up, flicking it open in front of her eyes. 

She gasped one more time, her eyelids drooping. 

He kissed her. 

He remembered. 

***

Ten years later, love was a memory that would never fade. 

Spencer had stayed, had kept to his promise, Y/N had stayed with him, had been patient as he relearned, as he rediscovered the life he wanted with her. 

And eventually, they didn't have to try anymore, eventually, everything was easy. 

They were together, and their memories were set in stone, the ring on her finger made it clear enough. 

She hadn't taken her ring off since she had gotten it. 

Spencer didn't mind. He was particularly fond of how it looked on her hand. 

Their love was set in stone, their pasts only a path to the life they had built together. 

The friends they had, the family they were creating. 

Their lives were surrounded by nothing but love, but memories that they wished to keep forever, memories that they cherished more than ever. 

And some nights, on the especially cold ones, on the ones that felt alone. On the nights when the wind blew in old ghosts, reminding Y/N of everything, of how easy it was to lose someone, on those nights she always asked, never once forgot to ask, 

“You remember me?” 

And Spencer was never hesitant to answer. 

“I’ve never forgotten.” 

And like always, he kissed her worries away. 

Because on those nights when she felt alone, when she was cold and worried, on those nights 

He was always there with her. 

And he always remembered.

* 

the tags: @eternal-fandoms @mathewggubler @chiffonchronicles @wooya1224 @boredoomfm @swannbreezethesweet @cielo1984

my masterlist here

[ashes-and-ashes]

Can write harry coming out to Mr and Mrs Weasley? He feels like they're his family (and they sroat are just without a blood connectiong) and he wants to tell them to show how much he respects and values them as family. I guess in this not a lot of people would know, maybe hermione, ron, and draco just know and he could bring one of them or moral support but he doesnt have to

“You don’t have to do this,” Draco says.

They’re standing outside of the Burrow, the sky grey and the rain pouring. The wind was fierce, leaves and branches whipping everywhere and Harry thinks the sky looks like it’s falling.

He tells himself he’s just being stupid. He is, isn’t he? It’s not even his real family that he’s coming out to and yet he’s terrified beyond belief, shaking so hard he thinks he might fall over.

There are hands on his shoulder suddenly, strong and warm and Harry almost gasps at the sensation. Draco looks beautiful in this light, light up by the wind and rain and the clouds and Harry thinks I can do this.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out.

“Don’t be. It’s natural. You’re nervous.”

“I won’t even be taking the brunt of it. You will be.”

Draco just smiles, something surprisingly sweet considering the lions den he was about to walk into. “If it means keeping you happy, I’ll be okay.”

Harry takes a deep breath. The air smells like rain, that clean scent after a storm, all the dust washed away. He holds it, feeling his lungs burn, releasing all his air in one long hiss.

“Last chance,” Draco says.

Harry pushes the door open.

There’s something cooking - he can tell instantly by the scent of frying onions, the clatter of pots against the stove. The Burrow looks like it always did - piles of clothes and stained chairs and threadbare rugs. Harry quickly slides a glance over to Draco, knowing how difference this shabbiness must be, compared to the harsh elegance of the manor. Draco’s face was calm though, examining the house with an open glance, not a hint of judgment on his features.

He really had changed, Harry thinks. Years of indoctrination was hard to reverse and yet Draco has done it anyways, become a better person all in the space of the war.

“You okay?” he breathes. Draco gives him a shallow nod. “Alright.”

“Harry?” Mrs Weasley’s voice cuts through the clattering of pots and pans. “We’re all in the dining room, you can just head over and bring your lovely lady with you too! I’ll be out in a minute.”

Draco stiffens beside him at the word lady but Harry just leads him to the dining room. He winces at the table, the plates laid out and the candles, heart pounding so hard he thinks he’s going to be sick. “Draco - “

The blood drains from Draco’s face. “Shit,” he breathes.

Harry whirls around just in time to see George’s ashen face, hears the slam of his bedroom door echoing through the house. He grips Draco’s wrist tightly, feeling the bones grind into his hand. Ron shakes his head - he’s sitting in his usual place on the table, tapping the utensils nervously against his plate.

“Bad move, mate,” he says, glancing up the stairs with a concerned look.

“I know.” Harry pulls the chair out, resting his head in his hands with a weary sigh. “I wasn’t thinking - “

“I’m sorry,” Draco says, and Harry hates the way his voice breaks on the words. “This was a mistake - “

Ron shakes his head. “I know you didn’t do it. I know you were a spy. George just...”

Draco bites his lip. “Of course. Easier to blame me. I know the feeling.”

Harry stares at his plate, heart breaking. 4 months later and the War still hadn’t finished, still hadn’t ended, not for him. He takes a sip of water, ignoring the acrid taste in his mouth. “Where’s everyone else?”

Ron counts off on his fingers. “Bill’s at work and Charlie’s still in Romania. Percy’s still distraught - hasn’t left his house in ages. And Ginny’s at school. I don’t know. Just thought with what you’re going to tell mum...”

“Probably a good idea.”

“Yeah.” Ron shrugs. “Dad should be coming soon though.”

“Do you think - “

The sound of shattering glass startles him. Harry jerks, Mrs Weasley’s pale face suddenly appearing in the doorway. “What - What is he doing here?”

Draco flinches. “Mrs Weasley - “

“Get out.”

“Mum!” Ron says hotly, “You don’t understand - “

“Get out!”

He’s never seen Mrs Weasley like this, her face pale and her cheeks red, shaking like a leaf in a strong wind. He could see Draco closing off though with every shouted word, his face slowly becoming blank. Only Harry could feel the clench of his fingers around Harry’s wrist, biting into the flesh hard enough to bruise.

“Mrs Weasley,” Draco starts, voice thin and cracked. “I am so, so sorry - “

“Sorry doesn’t bring my son back!”

The room explodes. Draco flinches back, his eyes becoming shuttered. Harry is shaking, with anger or fear he didn’t know as Ron yells, “He didn’t do it mum!”

“Spy,” Mrs Weasley says, her voice dripping with scorn. “I still see the Dark Mark, traitor. You killed - you killed my - “

“I’m dating him,” Harry says flatly.

The room goes silent. Mrs Weasley turns red-rimmed eyes to Harry.

“You?”

Harry takes a deep breath. “Yes.”

“But...” Mrs Weasley stutters. “The girl?”

“There was no girl. It’s just Draco.”

“Harry.” It’s the voice in everyone of his nightmares, full of disappointment and shame. “Harry, honestly. Malfoy?”

He grits his teeth. The speech comes to the tip of his tongue, memorized so long ago. “I’m certain that my parents wouldn’t have minded, seeing as their best friends were gay. Besides, I love him and - “

“My brother was gay,” Mrs Weasley cuts in coldly. “That’s not what I have a problem with.”

Harry closes his eyes. “If it’s Draco - “

“Of course it is. That boy is a murderer.”

Draco’s voice is strangled when he speaks. “No.” he says. “I’m not.”

Mrs Weasley gestured to the Mark on his arm. “You - to even try and deny it - “

“Mum,” Ron says. “I told you already.”

“What?” Mrs Weasley scoffs. “That he was a spy?”

“Yes.” Harry holds her gaze. “Please. You’re my - you’re my family. Just...let us stay for dinner. Let us convince you. He’s changed, I promise.”

The moment stretches, inpossibly charged; the sadness on Draco’s face and the grief on Mrs Weasley, the floor glittering with shards of broken glass. He watches as Mrs Weasley draws herself up, her face etched with misery.

“Fine,” she says and storms off. “He can stay.”

The smallest smile breaks on Draco’s face.

[trunkzbriefs]

Any Son and/or Briefs family headcanons? Spicy hot takes? Truths Toriyama and Toyotaro themselves can not handle? Straight up lies?

GODDAMN SORRY this took a while cause i suck at putting thoughts together. i apologize for my obvious briefs bias i have more hcs for them than the son family despite loving them both :pensive: anyway heres some random stuff

briefs hcs:

all of the briefs are pros at non-verbal communication. i hc that saiyans have their own language (and also in my own Mind Canon they still have their fuckin tails) and a lot of it is done through tail movement/body posture/grunts/etc. etc so theyve all sort of picked that up. even bulma, who doesnt have a tail, is pretty good at getting across what she means without actually speaking. they still do speak normally but it comes in handy sometimes considering that both trunks and vegeta are prone to running out of speaking energy or getting very frustrated with words, so having another way to communicate works very well for them

vegeta is fffffffffffffffffffurry. without getting too deep into my own General Saiyan hcs (thats why i made a whole ass four subspecies!!) i think that the entirety of planet vegeta tended to be very hot aside from the part where the castle was, where the temperature would drop. meaning that saiyans working in the palace would grow thicker fur around certain parts of their body, and in the royal saiyans theyd be Especially fluffy. he kept it down on earth, but he has thick patches of fur around the bottom parts of his arms and legs. kind of like snowy boots and gloves! he also has fur that grows in on his neck like a lions mane.

future trunks is an actions sponge, vegeta is a words sponge. vegeta will pick up words VERY quickly regardless if he fully understands the meaning of it or not (completely inspired by 'THATS RIGHT BOYS... MONDO COOL' in z) and future trunks will unintentionally mimic the actions of people - around people he looks up to he might take a few small mannerisms from but this extends to copying the disposition of anyone; he's just very adaptive. this is the most obvious (and funniest) when he's around vegeta bc it really shows like. yeah damn that sure is vegeta's son

vegeta & bulla have an intimidating bastard smirk naturally. their natural smiles are pretty frightening and they have to put effort into a 'normal' one. this also extends to current trunks, his default smile is the Vegeta Bastard Smirk but he learned to have a normal smile quicker than his father and sister. future trunks has a slightly unnerving natural smile (the fact that his pupils are always drawn so fucking small makes me hc that he just has a very intimidating look of 'cat thats about to pounce on an unfortunate trapped mouse' whenever he smiles) but he learned to look normal even quicker than current trunks since he's around humans a Lot and is sort of their uh, Hope. don't want to look scary to the people who depend on you!

bulma has some fighting knowledge and mildly good ki control. vegeta taught her it as a just in case so that she'd be able to defend herself against Bigger threats if he wasn't there and also so she could raise her own ki to alert someone to her if she had to.

vegeta is extremely clean and can not stand to have things disorganized for more than like... an hour before he has to tidy everything up. every time he goes down to the lab and bulma is passed out in a pile of bolts and circuit boards it kills him inside just a little bit

future trunks has little concept of power control. since his timeline was always in danger it wasn't really an important thing for him to learn. the amount of mugs he's accidentally crushed is impressive

vegeta tends to not sound like he's asking questions when he is. he doesn't add the proper infliction to the end of his questions and just sounds flat most of the time. it's confusing to people who dont know him well.

im not even gonna lie, im a BIG fan of the chill demon panchy headcanon so i love the idea that the briefs have a Lil bit of demon in them but just dont know it ghjnkm

[banging my fists on the 'hcs that not even got could take away from me' table] future trunks has OCD

vegeta doesn't really get labels but he's bisexual & "debatably a man", bulma is bisexal & bigender transfem (sometimes shes Wamen and other times its like "gender? no"), bulla is a nonbinary lesbian, current trunks is a bisexual trans man & future bulma forgot to explain the concept of gender and sexuality to future trunks so he's a little confused on that front and his gender & sexuality are "i have literally never thought abt these concepts in my life but i think men are nice. i refuse to think about gender though" (i actually have two main hcs for future trunks which are either gay trans man or more-feminine-presenting nonbinary bisexual)

son hcs:

goku is Not as fluffy as vegeta at all, but he does have fur on certain parts of his body. namely on the back of his elbows + ankles, down his back connecting to his tail, and on his shoulders. its inherented from gine!

gohan is learning saiyan language from vegeta! vegeta acts grumpy about it but he's glad to have someone to teach. when gohan learned that most of the history had been lost he basically wished shenron for a big ol book on saiyan culture and gave it to vegeta just as an act of kindness and vegeta was like [in an angry voice but very touched] "Ok. Sit down. You're learning." by extension gohan is also teaching the rest of his family!

i will take ox king being actually non-human to my grave so like, chichi has horns and a very short ox tail! gohan and goten both have horns, but they're hidden by hair. goten's horns are bigger than gohans.

goten also has a more ox-like tail, with a little puff of fur at the end. generally, gohan looks more saiyan-like and goten looks more ox/human-like.

although he keeps up his cheery demeanor very well, goku is still haunted pretty badly by like... everything that’s happened in his life. he still has frequent nightmares about cell & buu specifically.

gohan will freak out at worse, zone out at best, if he's even tapped on the neck. it reminds him of the whole 'getting his neck snapped on namek' so that area is pretty off limits to everyone

goten gets along really well with android 17. they both have a love for nature and 17s kind of like his chill uncle, so whenever he gets too stressed out or just needs a break you can find him face down on the ground outside of 17's place on monster island.

goku is really really good at remembering completely random shit. bulma uses this to her advantage whenever she's working and has him memorize random technology stuff. a week later goku can not remember what he had for breakfast that morning but as soon as bulma asks "hey do you remember what i told you last week" hes like "oh yeah sure i have no idea what it means but [blurts out three hours worth of technical garble]"

oh boy is this a headcanon that has a lot more depth to it than just a bullet on a tumblr post, but gohan has DID!

goku, like vegeta, doesnt get labels either, and does not even Try, ask him about any of it and hes like "i dont get the gender thing but i think lots of people look nice :)" gohan is gay and like vegeta, "debatably a man", goten + chichi are both bi nonbinary, & pan is a lesbian trans woman.

both:

bulla and pan are both into music! i think theyd mess around making their own stuff w/ launchpads

i have a general hc of ki mixing or shielding, essentially, if youre close enough to someone people wont be able to tell apart your ki and you can also 'shield' someone with your ki for a small amount of time. if vegeta has his energy low, his and bulma's energy are the same. same thing with goku and chichi! goten and trunks are near impossible to tell apart, and same thing with gohan and videl.

though goten and trunks are both protective over their younger siblings, gotenks is that protectiveness times a thousand. look at bulla or pan wrong for 2 seconds and you're going to have an angry gotenks in your face asking if you have any last words. i like to think that trunks and goten fused casually a lot, especially around the time where bulla and pan were young, so its basically goten and trunks own attachment to them PLUS gotenks' attachment to them as his own person combined.

i like to pretend end of z did not happen the way it did so uub, using nimbus, travels back and forth a lot. goku isn’t the only one who teaches him how to fight as goten, gohan and trunks all think of him like a little brother and love training with him!

fuck you letters to toriyama/toyotaro hot takes:

cell, as cool of a villian as he is, definitely should have had a creepier final form. or multiple- just something that really drives in the fact that he's made up of other's dna & fuckin ABSORBS people. also his first two forms should have had a different absorbtion method other than the tail thing (not the drinking thing thats fine) it just feels.   Weird. not good

it would have been far more interesting to keep the bitter attitude towards vegeta that future trunks had imo... in super trunks was going through a Lot granted but the fact tht he wasnt more confrontational to vegeta being a dick to him seemed kind of off considering his attitude in z i just.. think it would be interesting and far better if they had more of a back and forth 'family but lowkey hate each other' relationship

i dont want to rant about super so heres some super condensed takes, goku black arc specific because thats 90% of what ive seen of super:

mai is a fucking freak ass weirdo, why did they not just make another character to pair with trunks

trunks not flipping the fuck out at his timeline being erased feels... out of character. also trunks deserved the win against zamasu

future bulma did NOT need to die

trunks should have just stayed in the current timeline

please fucking let trunks and goten grow up. we SAW a version of trunks who looked 14 (history of trunks....) and the versions of goten & trunks we have r/n in super do not look 13/14 respectively what in the goddamn hell is going on in the character design department

super definitely should have taken place later down the line

supers version of bulma and videl look awful. why are they That stick like.

vegeta needs to kill frieza. just once.

fu has enough potential to be a very interesting mainline character and i am so sad he's not

i would actively enjoy a sdbh anime with more  budget that isnt just a promo anime and has a plot that makes sense... i think db should have more wild spinoffs

xenoverse deserved a better story that went FULL in on the 'what if' type of timelines- like they did in raging blast which is a FUCKING GREAT GAME

straight up lies:

dragon ball z is a good series

[writings-from-the-hart]

Its Tender Tuesday! Spill the beans on meaningful touches--doesnt have to be erotic (but can, if that's their thing), just any special little touches your special someones share with each other <3

Tender Tuesday! 

*Clasps hands together and puts on my WIP’s love playlist.* Alright, you want me to spill the beans I’ll spill ALL the beans and make these people turn 50 shades of pink. These are characters from my current Wip Renegade! There’s probably more ships to sail in this Wip but these are the main two that get the spotlight the most and they just make my heart so full. I promise I’m writing an action thriller and NOT a rom-com, so I don’t know where all this sappy romance came from.  

Eric and Valentina 

Their relationship is a complex one ranging from enemies to friends to something a little more than friends, back to enemies, and finally a hinted relationship possibly. So when it comes to meaningful touches there’s a very broad range of what ANY touch can mean, but that could be because touch is a very taboo thing in the world of Renegade unless the other person is an established family member. However, they do share a few touches that defiantly convey that there is something defiantly going on between the pair. 

- Whenever Eric and Valentina are seen on the battlefield they can almost always be seen together. Valentina will often trail behind Eric watching his back and she will lay a hand on his left shoulder (his dominant hand) so he knows that she is behind him, keeping an eye on their surroundings. If there is a problem she’ll squeeze his shoulder; each number of squeezes means a different kind of situation, for example, one firm hold means stop and three quick squeezes signals “we are being followed.” 

- Valentina likes to create constellations out of the freckles on Eric’s shoulders, an area of skin that rarely seen but is when he’s boxing. And Eric likes to braid strands of Valentina’s hair, if she let’s him, because it reminds him of his younger sister, plus Valentina’s hair is also super soft. 

- When Valentina feels like someone is threatening or degrading Eric in her presence she will stand between him and the other person (granted she’s shorter than Eric) acting as a sort of barrier between the two things, she’ll even place a hand on his arm to gesture that she’s “guarding” him. She won’t admit it but Eric’s presence has kept her from getting into many fights that she would have gladly taken part in to “defend his honor.” 

- There is a small blessing in having to wear a helmet 24/7 because it means there can be more stolen looks at the person who you’d wish to do nothing more than devote your whole being to. Eric has lost count of the amount of times he’s spaced out at the wrong time or used Valentina’s presence as a means of staying present in the moment during a panic attack. It’s a wrong thought and he knows it (defiantly toward his second in command) but he swears he has Valentina’s every curve and edge as well as movement memorized to the finest of details. However, Valentina is just as guilty as Eric is when it comes to stolen looks. She swears to herself that she still hates him for dragging her into the mess she and the rest of the Cards are trapped in, but how can she hate someone that she literally stares at and recalls what it feels like to be hugged by him when she should be listening to a mission brief. “It’s complicated.” That’s all they can really say. 

- The most intimate and tender touch Eric and Valentina have ever had is something the both of them often remember and wonder if it actually happened. It was a mission gone wrong Eric offered Valentina his jacket so she wouldn’t freeze to death in the rain and pressed his forehead to hers, an act of love and a “kiss” in the culture of Renegade, while admitting he “needed her.” 

- Based on the above, since Eric and Valentina never talk about the “kiss” thing or talk about their feelings in general (this is a very very slow burn romance that kills me but I love it) Valentina has found a way to convey to Eric that she does “like” him. Whenever the both of them are present and standing next to each other Valentina will stand on Eric’s left side (his dominant hand), conveying to everyone in the room that she is the next in charge person, and if she is scared about a certain situation or notices Eric is she will reach over subtly and grab Eric’s hand and squeeze it twice meaning “I need aid” (if it was his shoulder) or in this case “I need you.” Because instead of saying the big L word they just say “I need you.” 

Brazen and Xavier 

This is a relationship that is rather. . . Hidden because these two people have had a great deal of trauma and abuse cross their paths when they were younger, so they try to keep anything they value as loving and sacred hidden. So it’s a lot of subtext and hushed whispers shared in the dark or locations people don’t know about. Then again Brazen is a criminal and knows how to work around and bypass the system quite fluidly, while Xavier is high up in the Republic so he has access to many things others don’t.  

- Brazen almost always stands behind Xavier like a bouncer stands at the entrance of a club. If anyone wants to try to hurt Xavier or think about being rude and mean they’ll have to deal with Brazen and he isn’t known as the “God of Death” for shit’s and giggles, he will gladly murder for Xavier whether he’s told to or not (he rather have Xavier tell him to). And if he notices Xavier is tense, worried, or scared he’ll place a gentle hand on the small of Xavier’s back in reassurance that he’s behind him and won’t let anything happen to him.

- These boys are so touch starved it unreal, like lemme tell you about it! ALL the gentle touches mean the world to these two, like Xavier holding Brazen’s giant hand in his smaller one so he can look at the scar tissue where Brazen’s pinky used to be sets sparks off in both of those boy’s hearts. Brazen putting a hand on Xavier’s bony hip to move the slender man to the left so he can slide past him in the lab makes Xavier blush harder than a 15 year old school girl because “omgmycrushtouchedme.” Or the times where Xavier has to examine Brazen for wounds from a mission that went sideways, feeling his hands ghost the skin of Brazen’s body makes the two of them forget what words are and how to speak. ALL of the smallest, most subtle gestures of kindness mean the world to these boys who had to grow up too fast and starve for love. 

- This one really isn’t a tender touch thing but it makes my heart so FULL so I have to mention it to you guys. Xavier is a clothes thief, he steals all of Brazen’s clothes when given the chance to so if he is seen wearing any kind of shirt, jacket, or sweatshirt that looks too big for him that’s defiantly not his and most likely Brazen’s. 

- Brazen is Mr. Macho man and tries to always be super tough as much as possible but as soon as Xavier starts messing with his hair or scratching his scalp he becomes a big ball of mush. Brazen just melts underneath Xavier’s touch and loves his hair to be played with by the other man’s slender fingers and for his head to be scratched like he’s a cat. Xavier’s big love language is acts of service as well as touch so he loves to, when he can, to give Brazen back scratches and massages. . . But he’s been known to put Brazen to sleep by doing so. 

- Xavier is awful when it comes to going to bed in his own bed, he’s more likely to fall asleep at his drafting table than on a mattress so Brazen always has to make sure he doesn’t or Xavier will do nothing but complain his back hurt or something. The pair love to snuggle together on a very old and very worn down couch that was put in the lab by nobody knows for sure who, Brazen is a space heater and once Xavier is carried to the couch he’ll do nothing else other than snuggle up close to the bigger man and drift off into an undisturbed sleep. 

And those are some of my tender touches for these two ships in Renegade! I hope you liked them, I’m pretty sure there are more and I’m forgetting them at the current moment. So excited to be involved with this writing prompt, helps me take my mind off college stuff which is a definite must. 

Happy Writing! 

[dandyuism]

190701 Dandyu @ PUBG Idol Super League  Live stream fanaccounts

Sunny asked Taeyeon what shes been doing these days, Taeyeon said she dyed her hair and filmed abroad for begin again, Sunny said shes been filming for a cooking broadcast

taeng: whats your main gun?

sunny: where can i see that, im just using what i got?

 taeng: yeah, but dont you have a favorite gun?

sunny: where can i see that?

Taeyeon also said its the first time doing something w a member in a long time. Sunny asked Taeyeon what she’s been up to lately before they started Taeyeon hit her head and said she dyed her hair lately LOL And went overseas and Sunny said she’s looking forward to the broadcast. Taeyeon also asked Sunny, and Sunny said she’s been doing a cooking program And Taeyeon said - the one that needs voting right?

Taeyeon & Sunny both saying they’re not so good at the game Sunny just said she needs Taeyeon to grab her by the collar and hard carry her . Sunny asked people to cheer for them (in the comments) and Taeyeon joked that should they shout? XD In the end the staff shouted and cheered for them . Sunny asked Taeyeon to invite her to jump off together from the plane .  Lmao two of them are so cute giggling at everything and even the chinese translations of what they’re saying.  Sunny asked Taeng whats the plan and Taeng said just to follow her But Sunny said Taeyeon didnt have any plans and separated . Taeyeon saved Sunny but Sunny died again. Sunny saying stuff like it's just the first game She has to get used to the phone Taeyeon said yup since they're not using their own phones.  Sunny said she really can't play, but its okay cause Taeyeon can grab her by the collar and hard carry her. Taeyeon telling Sunny to run towards the house And Sunny said she's good at running.  Taeyeon telling Sunny to pick up a particular gun, but Sunny said she's just picking up whatever she sees And she doesnt see the gun Taeyeon tells her to pick up.  Taeyeon telling Sunny to pick up a particular gun, but Sunny said she's just picking up whatever she sees And she doesnt see the gun Taeyeon tells her to pick up. Taeyeon got shot to low health and Sunny found her and saved her.  Taeyeon was trying to kill someone but she got shot instead and shouted to Sunny to save her.  Sunny told Taeyeon to kill the person before saving her But they both got killed Taeyeon said her phone isn't letting her shoot and there's some issue. Taeyeon's saying her phone is lagging, the audio is also laggy And complains whose phone is it, then Sunny said it's not hers. Taeyeon wants to get 1st place, so Sunny said they should just find a quiet place to hide and pick up items Sunny said she doesnt really know how to fly/pick locations, so she just follows Taeyeon Sunny would stay in the plane a long time, but Taeyeon jumps asap cause Taeyeon says there's no time.  Sunny said Taeyeon jumps fast and dies fast, whereas she jumps slow but dies fast. Sunny teased Taeyeon for running into the houses that she already did - no items for her to pick up. Sunny wants to stay and wait, but Taeyeon says there's no time and says they should rush out asap lol Sunny says this friend is so rushed/has no patience.  Sunny wants to stay and wait, but Taeyeon says there's no time and says they should rush out asap lol Sunny says this friend is so rushed/has no patience. Taeyeon said she thought Sunny was very good at PUBG (not sure if computer or phone -didnt hear) But Sunny said her friend plays well not her. Sunny said she cant drive LOL So Taeyeon will be driving her instead. Taeyeon killed another person and Sunny said Taeyeon is hard carrying them. Sunny was wondering why her kill count didnt increase then found out that Taeyeon killed the person instead of her lol. Sunny telling Taeyeon to just die and not faint so she wont have to save her hahahah Taeyeon's telling Sunny to be a backup and watch out for her. Taeyeon is putting on her earphones now and told Sunny to do commentary.  Sunny's telling Taeyeon she already killed 6 people so she can hide somewhere and survive to win, and she wont be scolded Said she doesnt understand the game much, but she just knows in survival games she should just hide. Sunny's cheering everytime the player count decreases by one Said theres 6 left and Taeyeon said one of them is herself.  Sunny is good at spotting the person and telling Taeyeon what to do haha She told Taeyeon where the person sniping her was and when they crouched and stood up.  When Taeyeon was trying to snipe the person, Sunny told Taeng she was being shot too and to get down and hide first . Taeyeon went to swim and Sunny said she hates it. Taeyeon got her 3rd kill and Sunny said she did well haha.  Sunny said today’s MVP is Taeyeon and asked her to comment why we lost Taeyeon said she’s not used to the equipment (the phone that’s not theirs lol). Then they said its okay cause its still their first episode They’re going to have to receive their punishment now Cause they didn’t win.  Taeyeon picked the 3rd punishment and said there shouldn’t be any sequence The punishment is to carry one another not their backs for 10 seconds Sunny said Taeyeon will die. Taeyeon said she does exercise too and that they aren’t paper humans anymore. The punishment Sunny chose is to sing(?) And Sunny suggested to swap their punishments cause she wants to hear Taeyeon singing. Taeyeon sung ‘Four Seasons’ 사계 and Sunny heard it as 사랑 (love) and thought Taeyeon was confessing suddenly and joked maybe thats what she wanted to hear LOL. They decide to post up the punishments afterwards The back carrying as a photo and the singing later too. Sunny’s question is What does she do when she’s bored? What’s delicious lately? Sunny said she likes lying at home w her cats and watching TV. Taeyeon asks Sunny if she just sleeps like that for 10 years. Someone asks Taeyeon if she knows what mala tang is now She doesn’t know and asked Sunny Sunny told her its spicy and said that she ate it Taeyeon said that Sunny can’t eat spicy well so she’s surprised. Sunny asked if Sogeum and Pepper are getting along well And Sunny said no Taeyeon laughed LOL Sunny said slowly Sogeum is slowly accepting Pepper Sunny said Pepper likes Sogeum a lot and always chases it. Taeyeon said that Pepper must be cute and Sunny said yup. Taeyeon’s question is if she knows how many nicknames she has in Chinese Sunny took the iPad showing Taeyeon’s stream to see. Sunny said she knows one cheeseburger recipe And Taeyeon teased her saying you just need to stack the ingredients and how easy it is And Sunny said she really wants to share it, but its the last(?) episode of her show, and Taeyeon accused her of trying to promote her show. Sunny said thats not the case and that Taeyeon will definitely not be able to do it when she sees it Taeyeon said that she will. Sunny says that there’s always something on Taeyeon’s hair, cause Taeyeon was brushing it and found something. Sunny’s question is what’s her most memorable 20s memory Sunny said they’re all SNSD memories, but she can’t even remember what happened yesterday Taeyeon tested her asking if she remembers how many rounds of games they played together.  Sunny said something about her lifestyle and life goals changed and all Sunny then asked Taeyeon hat her most memorable memory is Taeyeon said 20s every moment lol Sunny said they’re grandmas that can’t remember. Taeyeon said they gave all their youth to SM Said that theres a lot of memories with fans and members. Sunny talking about how there’s snow festivals and all - Ha Er Bin but Taeyeon said she’s very scared of cold, and Sunny said thats why she should go, Taeyeon joked that she should go and just die? Sunny said she should go and overcome it. Sunny’s question is if she wants to get more pets after Sogeum and Pepper And Sunny says she doesn’t have any plans after this, and Taeyeon said 2 is hard enough. Sunny said that her drinking tolerance has dropped a lot lately and Taeyeon kept saying that she’s lying and tickled Sunny’s chin and kept saying she’s lying XD. Taeyeon’s telling Sunny to face her polaroid elsewhere so the flash won’t overlap and Sunny says she doesn’t want to XD So Taeyeon said for Sunny to take first before she takes. Taeyeon said that she’d order her polaroid by pointing her fingers (1, 2, 3, 4) Then Sunny said what about the person that receives the person who receives her pointing 4 fingers XD And Taeyeon did the “4 dollars” imitation thats famous in Korea now apparently. Taeyeon’s struggling about wondering how to point 4 fingers hahaha Then Sunny offered to help Taeyeon take a photo And Taeyeon said ‘we’re so dumb’ and Sunny said ‘what do you mean ‘we’??’ Then Taeng said just me just me. Sunny was taking photo for Taeng and Taeng told her not to take one so close up and pushed her away. Sunny suggested a hand pose for Taeyeon for #7 and Taeyeon said “As expected she’s an idol, as expected” XD Sunny said its so hard to do a broadcast - having to think of poses for Taeyeon LOL. Taeyeon said that its really been a long time since they did such a broadcast.

Taeng: (about her hair) How is it? What’s pretty? Is it pretty? 

Sunny: Like a fairy. 

Taeyeon: Is there any soul?? No??? (meaning Sunny isn’t saying that with any sincerity)                                                

Sunny said that she was worse at gaming than she worried about Said that she should go home and practice, but she won’t improve even if she did practice Taeyeon said that means she and the game just doesn’t match.   Taeyeon saw Sunny’s design and shouted “pretty!” a few times, and said she should copy Sunny’s design Sunny kept designing and Taeyeon said that she doesn’t have the time to design it so much as they only have 2 minutes left.  Taeyeon said that their personalities show each of their designs.  Sunny saw that Taeyeon signed in purple and said ‘as expected'. Taeyeon took a keychain and said that its pretty, and Sunny told her not to waste time appreciating it but sign instead But when Sunny saw the keychain she said its pretty too. Taeyeon liked the smell of shirt(?) and kept smelling it And asked don’t others have moments like these? And Sunny said no hahaha. The staff gave them presents though they didn’t eat chicken (win) since its the first broadcast Sunny gave the gift to Taeyeon since she did well Taeyeon said she’ll open it at home. Taeyeon said that though today was quite a pity, they’d practice more at home so that they can showcase more exciting stuff for the fans Sunny said that 2nd place is already very good. They’re wondering about what to say at the end, and Taeyeon said its sleeping time now And said that “Even though its not time to sleep yet, go to sleep! Since there’s tomorrow too!” And made their ending comment ‘sleep well~'.  Taeyeon was imitating a flight stewardess announcement since Sunny was following her on the plane And they laughed when the translator even translated that, and Sunny apologised that she has to translate their jokes.

cr. suitaes, jasminelep

[jolivira]

season 11 ranking!

Jodie Whittaker is freaking fantastic, let me just get that out of the way. Thirteen is becoming one of my favorite doctors easily.

Spoilers bellow! Don't read if you haven't watched all 11 episodes of season 11! Well, you can read if you don't care about that stuff, just a warning  =D

I like all the main characters but (just like many people have pointed out) I don't think the three companions shouldn't have been introduced at the same time. Or actually, they shouldn't have become companions at the same time. The TARDIS was too crowded and we didn't get a lot of focus on the Doctor herself because of it.

IN MY OPINION, I believe it would have worked best if we had met Yaz, Ryan, Graham and Grace in episode 1, then only Yaz ends up on space with the Doctor (episode 2)  and they travel together for maybe 3 or 4 episodes. That way we get to know her and flesh out her character and start setting up thasmin and the sexual tension between those ladies.

Then  have Ryan, Graham, Grace and  Tim Shaw show up again (set up for the finale) and THEN Grace dies. Imagine how much more impact that would've had on us, how deeper it would have felt.

Later the Doctor invites Graham (who is running away from the empty house) and Ryan (who is learning to accept Graham) and from there develop their relationship.

Just some alternate ideas.....

Now.... to the episode ranking!

11-  Tsuranga Conundrum

It's not that bad, I was just feeling uncomfortable the whole way, probably because it's hospitals and also pregnancy. We also should have had more backstory about that general! She seems awesome. And if her brother knew how to pilot the ship why didn't he do it from the start? Oh but I loved that initial scene where the Doctor is kind of dazed and selfishly tries to mess up the ship to go back and the medic in charge argues with her. I liked that.

10-  Arachnids in the UK

Little bit too boring. It's a DW episode, I wanted giant alien spiders! Also missed opportunity to learn more about Yaz's family or just her character in general (thanks for creating thasmin though!) And we already got one donald trump no need to create another.

9-   The Ghost Monument

I liked it just didn't feel it was that memorable compared to the others. I liked the idea of an intergalactic race and that fun stuff, though! Also new TARDIS, I just love the Doctor talking to her ship in general.

8- The Battle of Ranakoor Av Kolos

Horrible name for a planet but Jodie shined here, perfectly captured the Doctor's essence. The Ux are a really fun (actually really tragic) concept, I hope they return sometime! There were some frustrating parts for me but the good stuff balanced it out. Also a companion disagreeing and going against the Doctor? My jam. And it was so funny when Graham shot him and shouted "it was just the foot! Doesnt count!"

7- The Women Who fell to Earth

I'm just a sucker for post regeneration stories. And this one in special, everything was so new and fresh and exciting!  But Jodie's accent (all of their's to be honest) is so strong that it shocked me the first time I watched it.  English is not my first language so I needed subtitles, couldn't understand anything! Hahaha

6- Resolution

This reminded me of the episode "dalek" from season 1. I love me a full blown out dalek attack with ships and thousands of those little shits but honestly? Just one dalek can cause so much harm, that's why they are so scary. Also the closest we got to dark 13! I loved the scene where she confronts it face to face. This episode also finally showed the TARDIS interior properly! For all the other episodes it almost felt....smaller on the inside. The panels and buttons were also lacking, in this one they really made it look incredible! But again, the TARDIS was too crowded. Why introduce two new characters added to Ryan's dad? Didn't really like how Ryan forgave him at all in the end either :/

5- Witchfinders

The Doctor could go anywhere in time because he was a white brittish male, I liked seeing her getting frustrated about it a little but never actually regretting being a woman you know? The alien stuff in the end was pretty bad and the king was acting really creepy with Ryan, didn't like that at all. But yes! If anyone would be a witch in there it would be the Doctor. Also that hat, kudos for the hat

4- Kerblam!

Pretty fun! It honestly reminded me a lot of Tennant's era, I'm not sure why though..... Clever episode with interesting charcaters. OOOH! I also have a theory that before trading with Graham, the Doctor was placed in cleaning and stuff right? That's because the system knew Charlie was the problem so she was sent to work with him.

3- Rosa

I love how the civil rights movement is symbolized by Rosa and not MLK, although he has a great appearance in it! I am glad that there was no speech to inspire Rosa to protest, none of the characters told her about her impact on the future or how she needed to do this. It all came from her. Oh and important to see how Graham and the Doctor felt to be on the other side, on the ""evil"" side of history, being white during apartheid and having to act accordingly. I feel that's also important. I missed more talking between Ryan and Yaz about their experiences but oh well, nothing's perfect...

2- Demons of the Punjab

Teaching parts of history we don't hear much about! Yes!! And the only reason I have it second and not first place because I felt the Doctor and Yaz didn't properly... react? I mean, no tears and no talking about what just happened? They followed her nan and saw Prem die, knowing they could have easily stopped it. It's some heavy stuff, also the reason why he died. But I LOVE how the aliens aren't actually the villains, the doctor got it wrong, it happens. And she immediately apologized and thanked them. Beautiful.

1- It Takes You Away

The setting, the acting, the plot. I loved it start to finish. I even got emotional with the whole writing on the wall thing (assume her dad is dead, take care of her, etc). And eventually when the dad got back and read it, realizing how stupid he was. It portrayed a really messed up relationship between father and daughter, but also showed us the doctor can't fix something like that. I would have made the conversation with the frog (the solitract) deeper and to make more sense? It didn't feel earned when it allowed her to go back to her own dimension. They needed to have talked for longer but I understand the episode has a time limit.

And that's all! Thanks for reading and feel free to comment with your thoughts, whether you agree or not. See you in 2020 with more! *me sobing in the background*

[acuppellarp]

Welcome (again) to A Cup-pella, Kay! We’re excited to have you and Ariana Abrams in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours. 

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Kay Age: 25 Timezone: est Ships: Ari/Chem Anti-Ships: Ari/No Chem

IC INFO

Full Name: Ariana Ada Abrams Face Claim: Aly Michalka Age/Birthday: 26, May 24 Occupation: Freelance Video Editor, Director Personality: Smart, Prudent, Compassionate, Naive, Inquisitive Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Bio:

Growing up in New York made Ariana love everything about the city. You’d think that living there would have made her grow bitter, hate the tourism, want to breathe some fresh air, but nope. Ever since she was a little girl all Ari wanted to do was become a part of the city. One of those people that when they think of New York her name comes up. Which, yeah, was always a pipe dream, but a dream nonetheless.

At first she wanted to be a street performer. A thing her parents discouraged right away, but, whatever, she thought they were cool and brave and Ari wanted to be both cool AND brave. After that she thought Broadway was the best thing to ever be introduced to her, you know, until she realized that having to memorize not just a script but songs was overwhelming. She had her parents put her into dance, singing lessons, guitar lessons… you name it, Ari was doing it. Her parents were awesome that way, especially her mom, who took her to every single class or lesson.

And then everything changed. On the way to her bi-weekly piano lesson in New Jersey, well… Ari doesn’t remember most of it. The last thing she remembers is her mom reminding her about the money in her bag for the lesson and then everything from there is blank.

Ari was nine, a semi-truck t-boned their car. She was airlifted to the hospital. And she was told she might never walk again.

Her mom, her favorite person in the world, she hadn’t been so lucky. If lucky was being told you wouldn’t walk. If lucky was being nine years old and life feeling as if it had just ended.

The months after the accident were a blur and all Ari remembers is that she watched a lot of movies. Like. A lot. She stopped going to her lessons, especially dance. She refused physical therapy for six months because she couldn’t understand the point to it. The wheelchair was a bother, the stares were the opposite of the attention she wanted out of life, and the dreams were gone.

And then she remembered something. Out of nowhere, for no real reason, but she remembered her mother. She remembered how if anything Nancy Abrams wanted her to dream. She wanted Ari to have aspirations and she wanted Ari to work as hard as she needed to do to get there. So while starting high school, while making herself a social recluse, Ari decided she had a new dream. She wanted to walk at graduation. She didn’t need friends, she had her movies. She didn’t need piano lessons, she had physical therapy.

Her passion for movies grew while in school, because she was encouraged to join a club and the only club that didn’t make her want to wheel home was AV. Not only did they get to work on every video project, play, or school musical, they got to watch movies. It’s where she learned what went into making a production. About how easy it was to watch a movie, but how much work went into making one.

So she had two dreams. Walk and make a movie.

So far she’s only reached one of those goals. Ari walked across the stage at graduation, with her best friend helping her. It was slow and she had a cane… but she walked. The feeling in her legs weren’t the same and she knew she’d never be able to take a walk in Central Park without having to take a lot of breaks… but she walked.

She went to film school in Brooklyn, which made her now over protective father extremely happy. After school she continued to focus on her remaining dream: make a movie. It was going to be hard, it was going to suck, and she was going to be broke for a long ass time, but damn would that movie be her biggest accomplishment once it was done.

Pets: None

EXTRA INFO

Ayyybrams/arinotgrande/description:

Five latest tweets:

@arinotgrande: just pimp limped through the MET #getonmylevel @arinotgrande: people who think Twilight was a good movie: ya’ll need more jesus. or eyes. @arinotgrande: my biggest fear: being in a theater when there’s a fire and someone yells to me to run. @arinotgrande: get yo’self a sam evans, cause then you’ll have a friend who piggy backs you through life. literally. @arinotgrande: should i make a gofundme for a standing desk or would that just sound like a sick joke?????

[sunshine-tears-brokenhearts]

A somewhat shorter version of my life

I come from a broken home , my family fight , we scream and shout and get very angry we hurt each other with words, words we can’t always take back ,

Growing up was never easy , surrounded by violence and hatred, the feeling of being loved less than everyone else . Not knowing why my dad didn’t want me . Not knowing why my mother cried in her room on the floor . Why she was always so angry.

Moving town after towm built me and broke me , I have been so many different people , I have built myself up to be broken so many times , I explored a the life of drugs and alcohol cause the pain I was suffering everyday was so unbareable that I needed something to make it go away.

I have been beaten and bruised , wished my life away so many times , being controlled by a tiny piece of metal that didn’t even seem to hurt as much as it should have . Hospital visits , upon doctors appointments followed by years of counselling that never made a difference , different medications that are sworn to ‘help’ but only made me feel more like nothing than I already felt , like my whole personality was just taken away from me .

Different men in my life that are supposed to be role models but only make me question the human race , who beat up my mam and shove me into walls and touch my leg. Make my little sister wet herself cause she was so scared , a man a man who was trusted to come into our lives and supposed to 'love’ our mam but only to smash a lamp across her head, for me to climb out my window in fear and for us to have to drive so late at night to a family friend just so we’re safe.

Counless times I’ve experienced things not even some adults have seen . The love for my family that I had slowly started to fade the trust I had in them was gone and the people who were supposed to make a 13 year old feel didn’t exist .

From being bet by family and bullies and having fake friends , to feeling suicidal every now and then to it being all I thought about . Every minute of every day. That tiny piece of metal became my only friend but when my sister found our she felt obligated to tell my mam and of course we already know she didn’t handle it well she frightened me into promising 'oh it was a one time thing’ I don’t think she actually believed this was true but In her mind she was ’ parenting right’ she picked up a sisscors and proceeded to slit her own wrist only to tell me that I done this.

So when she noticed I hadn’t stopped this she fucked me off to live with my dad who I knew nothing about , he never wanted me growing up so why now? I couldn’t understand how he cared now or at least I thought he did .

A few weeks later it was new year’s Eve in a town where I didn’t know anyone I didn’t know who I was. I wished it right there and tried to end my life.

I woke up the next morning with the worst feeling in the world , and noticed that nobody had even come to check on me , knowing what had been going on in my life but that was the moment I realised that nobody cared , I was alone in the world with nobody there .

I started school with one friend who became more like a sister than a friend , friendship so close that went up in flames . As I sat in the office waiting to be shown around it was around 9:15 I watched all these people pass me , staring I felt shame , I wasn’t sure why I felt it but it’s what I can only describe as shame , a girl walked in and I got this feeling that I hadnt felt in a while , not since my first crush on my bestfriend.she walked straight past me didn’t even look my way blue hair and the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen. She just had this presence about her that made me wonder .

We kissed in the bushes and it all started from there , that summer I was in a relationship with a girl, something that I had always been closed off about sharing with people , but everyone knew I guess my poker face wasn’t great.

Months went on of being broken up with so she could sleep with someone else , wasn’t a healthy relationship in any form. I ended up hospital for a week cause I had a nervous breakdown at 14 , the doctors saw the skin on my arms didn’t exist and in it’s place was hundreds of cuts that left scars that never faded .

I was seeing a girl who I cared for so much , I went away for the summer to see my best friend we rarely seen each other and she understood memore than anyone and something changed me forever that still haunts me to this day , some boy who I thought was a 'friend’ sexually assaulted me in her mother’s room , blood pouring down my leg , he cut me with his nails and told me I wanted this , even though I proceeded to say 'NO’ and begged him to stop and cried , he proceeded to tell me I wanted it , he made me feel like it was my fault. I couldn’t bear it . I swallowed some pills any that I could find and drank some vodka that burned my throat . It didn’t work. I ended up leaving the girl I was seeing because I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldn’t get close and I was distant .

Coming up to my last year of school still struggling to unfriend that shiny piece of metal I meet my first boyfriend who seemed to be the best thing in the world only to be a prick who put drugs before me and didn’t know shit , who went on to treat me like I was nothing , that’s when my anxiety started to get bad , panic attack after panic attack I didn’t know who I was , only to be broken and loose all sense of control I had. He made me feel like I was going to die without him , completely controlled . I had to move town to get away from him because he seemed to think he had the power to say im not allowed break up with him .

I started college and everything was great I figured so much things out , ironically I studied psychology . Selfish it seemed I was doing it more to understand myself and the people who hurt me.

I was living with a mate from school who I soon realised I didn’t want to be her mate , we were too alike . But she lies.

I lost myself , taking drugs and drinking the equivalent of my body weight in vodka every week , during the week , whenever I could , I wasn’t stable but I felt happy , I started sleeping with people , I had only ever had sex with a man once before this , it wasn’t for me , I didn’t see any appeal to it .

I had no respect for myself . I didn’t care if people we’re using me , I couldn’t feel anything , I met my best friend who made me feel everything made me feel love again and helped me to realise that maybe I don’t deserve what I put myself through. We promised we would always be there and regardless of the times I fucked him over he was always there ,still now.

I lost friend and gained some , I traveled from group to group as my personality changed , I trusted when I shouldn’t have and didn’t trust when I should have ,

Then I met him. I met someone who changed everything , he is utterly the one person in the whole world that breaks me but also builds me back up , that’s not good is it? Someone having so much control over your emotions , someone who said they loved me and made me feel more than I’ve ever felt. Someone who I knew would never hurt me the way I had been hurt in the past but I was struggling when I met him , that little shitty piece of metal was back in my life and somehow they made me forget about it .. I fell head over heals for him , I moved back home to my mam for the summer leaving him but we promised we would wait.

We found our way back but I had grown so much over the summer and gotten so far with myself , I felt more and cared more. We loved each other so much , but one day he woke up and decided he couldn’t say it anymore , even kiss me , he would sleep in my bed with his back facing me , no affection no love , it tore me into a million pieces , and the only excuse was ’ I don’t know’ and made me feel I done something wrong. I fell straight back into my back hole of depression where I never seemed to easily come out of .

My life has been a whole load of heartache so how can I cry over someone who 'doesnt want me' is it just selfish to love people when I can't even love myself and my life . Spiriling out of control and not knowing where to go. It's sad when you have so much love in your heart but it expresses like hatred.

[boqvistsbabe]

storytime (kind of) mother frickers

so i like this guy. this guy that is literally my best guy friend and i have known him for three years, almost four. and like every single other guy i have liked i knew around the time when i met them that i was probably gonna like them at some point. so yeah whatever i liked them now i don’t. i didn’t like anyone for the longest time and then randomly i like started feeling like i like this guy (my friend) lets call him uh Adam (tbh that is just about as far from his name as you could get lol) and like this hit me out of nowhere. because like basically when we met we friend-zoned each other without having to do so, which makes no sense whatsoever but who cares. and like this whole idea of this started last school year when his cousin randomly walked into the classroom i was staying in after school to work on memorization for some things and it was near Valentine’s Day and he was like anyone wanna be my cousin’s gf and me, knowing that this is Adam’s cousin said no why and he explained why basically and then that was the start of him calling me literally every single time he saw me Adam’s gf. I denied every single time and this went on for the rest of the year. and like one time on the after school bus Adam’s cousin got on before him and sat down and when Adam walked on to the bus his cousin said that his gf was on the bus and he (and i know that he actually did this bc i looked up right at this getting ready to turn around and yell at his cousin) Adam looked right at me and his cousin said “he even looked dead at you” and then the rest of the busride was his cousin trying to get us together by asking me question (like “do you like guys that can sing” “well duh” “do you like guys with abs” “well duh”) and then he started singin “I Wanna Dance With Somebody for no reason and I finshed the song for him and he said “see look you can sing too you guys would be great together” (and that opens another can of worms that is not in this story) and i said but i really can’t and he was like but you realy can. and during all of this Adam said nothing to either of us. and around a few weeks after that i started liking somebody so i was still like whatever and nothing more happened last year basically. and like then this year came along and i didnt like that other guy anymore and like was really focused on like my friends and shit like that. like then two of his other friends (that im kinda friends with but not really) started like suggesting people that they could set me up with for hoco (the two friends and i have the same bio class together and we sat near each other at the time) and i would decline every single guy and then they said Adam’s name and I was like no we’re friends (because at the time i still didn’t like him) and then the boys proceeded to say stuff like “you do like him” “look you’re blushing” things like that (something they do not realize was that when i get angry or frustrated or whatever i tend to turn red or at least pink) and then one of them threw a ship name for us out there and then it was a thing and like then he proceeded (when i did not answer them anymore) to sit in the empty chair next to me and go “aw please don’t be mad at me I don’t want you mad at me” (i wasn’t that mad and we were all having fun and he was joking) and i proceeded to ignore him and he got closer and said the same thing (also if this had happened about one and a halfish years ago i wouldve been freaking out because i used to like him, a lot) and i said i wasn’t mad and we were fine. until he (when we were going around the room and grading other people’s papers) when i came back to my seat and said something about my paper he was like “oh that’s your paper” and i said “yeah it literally has my name on it” he walks over takes my paper and writes something on it and ten gives me my paper back and he wrote Adam and I’s ship name in marker on my paper. at least i didn’t have to turn that in or i mightve killed him. and so like whatever didn’t like him still just confused on why everybody (including some of my other really close friends) think we should get together. and then like i feel like it was a slow realization of how amazing he is (bc like lemme be honest here he is really sweet and funny and like everything that the others weren’t which sounds cliche but like ugh i just cannot describe how much i wanted the other guys i have liked to be like him)  and like i told two of my other best friends and they think he is nice. and like lately him and i are around each other more and stuff and we talk even more than before and mess with each other and stuff. and then one of my other friends randomly asks me before she leaves the lunchroom if i like him and i say no bc like this is all weird for me and shit and she says okay and walks away even with me asking her why she asked and her not telling me. and then i get my other friend to ask her through text and she wont answer. and the other day he took my hair tie thingy (idk what it is called) one of these: 

after i was messing with it and said that i wasn’t going to get it back. then wears it the rest of the day and cool im not freaking out internally at all. and there is no way people wont connect that it is mine bc it is just one of the clear ones and my hair is blueish at the ends so it died the hair tie thingy and im the only one with that color hair. and then we go on a five day break from school and i find out from my friend why my other friend asked that. and she asked because SHE THOUGHT WE WERE DATING! i obviously am so fine with that even though we aren’t. but i was like why did she think that and my friend was like bc y’all are always together and stuff. and then we get to today and so i find out that he lost the other one and then he took the one i had today (which i am fine with this i have multiple and he asked to make sure it was okay and i said it was he then asked like two more times just to make sure) and then i took his pencil and since i wouldn’t give it back he took my hoodie and put the hood on his head on wore it like that until i gave him his pencil back. and then like there is this thing he can do which is popping the joints closer to the end of your finger and i can’t do that but he did it to my fingers the other day (and as i am typing this i realize how weird it sounds) and now it has become our thing kind of. and like i love it. bc it involves him wrapping his hand around mine. so yeah love it. and then i proceed to mess with him for the rest of the hour. and yeah. and then when i get to lunch later i see him with his friends and like i can see the hair tie thing on his wrist and it brings me so much joy idk why but it does. and then i was talking to my friend and was like idk why people think we are dating and she said that it is because we basically are just not officially. and then i was like what hold the phone and back it up. and like she went over that again and said that quite a few people have thought we were dating in the past and had asked her if Adam and I were dating and she had said no obviously and i was like how do i not know this. and she said bc i never told you and then t=she proceeded to tell me how her herself has shipped him and I for quite a while but did it on the DL and now her and my friend that asked if i liked him are shipping us on the DL and my friend that asked is gonna ask him if he likes me bc he doesnt know how close we are and will be more likely to tell her than me or my other friend. and like i know he is gonna say know and like i want him to say that he does. but like he wont. and even if he does there are some problems like i can’t date yet which like has never been a problem till now, even when i had my 6th grade “boyfriend” my mom didn’t know and i didn’t care bc i was fine with a relationship on the DL with him but Adam is someone i want a real relationship with you know. like i don’t want it hidden. and i want ground rules obviously and my friend said that i could just do what she did and just talk to her mom about it and present the situation very adult like and stuff like she did. which like i can and my mom knows him so it might work. but then there is the fact that he doesn’t like me so it doesn’t matter but like there are signs that point towards him actually liking me but im not that stupid. he has so many female friends that are cooler and prettier and smarter and so just more better than me so like why would he like me. idk what to do. this is like really crazy for me rn and i dont wanna lose my friend so yay.

that was really boring sorry but i needed an outlet and idk what to do but if yall have any advice please tell me

[writingguide003-blog]

Top writers choose their perfect crime

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/top-writers-choose-their-perfect-crime/

Top writers choose their perfect crime

Crime fiction is now the UKs bestselling genre. So which crime novels should everyone read? We asked the writers who know …

On Beulah Height by Reginald Hill Val McDermid

This is the perfect crime novel. Its beautifully written elegiac, emotionally intelligent, evocative of the landscape and history that holds its characters in thrall and its clever plotting delivers a genuine shock. Theres intellectual satisfaction in working out a plot involving disappearing children, whose counterpoint is Mahlers Kindertotenlieder. Theres darkness and light, fear and relief. And then theres the cross-grained pairing of Dalziel and Pascoe. Everything about this book is spot on.

Although Hills roots were firmly in the traditional English detective novel, he brought to it an ambivalence and ambiguity that allowed him to display the complexities of contemporary life. He created characters who changed and developed in response to their experiences. I urge you to read this with a glass of Andy Dalziels favourite Highland Park whisky.

Insidious Intent by Val McDermid is published by Sphere.

The Damned and the Destroyed by Kenneth Orvis Lee Child

My formative reading was before the internet, before fanzines, before also-boughts, so for me the best ever is inevitably influenced by the gloriously chanced-upon lucky finds, the greatest of which was a 60 cent Belmont US paperback, bought in an import record shop on a back street in Birmingham in 1969. It had a lurid purple cover, and an irresistible strapline: She was beautiful, young, blonde, and a junkie I had to help her! It turned out to be Canadian, set in Montreal. The hero was a solid stiff named Maxwell Dent. The villain was a dealer named The Back Man. The blonde had an older sister. Dents sidekicks were jazz pianists. The story was patient, suspenseful, educational and utterly superb. In many ways its the target I still aim at.

The Midnight Line by Lee Child is published by Bantam.

Bleak House by Charles Dickens Ian Rankin

Does this count as a crime novel? I think so. Dickens presents us with a mazey mystery, a shocking murder, a charismatic police detective, a slippery lawyer and a plethora of other memorable characters many of whom are suspects. The story has pace and humour, is bitingly satirical about the English legal process, and also touches on large moral and political themes. As in all great crime novels, the central mystery is a driver for a broad and deep investigation of society and culture. And theres a vibrant sense of place, too in this case, London, a city built on secret connections, a location Dickens knows right down to its dark, beating heart.

Rather Be the Devil by Ian Rankin is published by Orion. Siege Mentality by Chris Brookmyre is published by Little, Brown.

The Hollow by Agatha Christie Sophie Hannah

This is my current favourite, in its own way just as good as Murder on the Orient Express. As well as being a perfectly constructed mystery, its a gripping, acutely observed story about a group of people, their ambitions, loves and regrets. The characters are vividly alive, even the more minor ones, and the pace is expertly handled. The outdoor swimming pool scene in which Poirot discovers the murder is, I think, the most memorable discovery-of-the-body scene in all of crime fiction. Interestingly, Christie is said to have believed that the novel would have been better without Poirot. His presence here is handled differently he feels at one remove from the action for much of the time but it works brilliantly, since he is the stranger who must decipher the baffling goings on in the Angkatell family. The murderers reaction to being confronted by Poirot is pure genius. It would have been so easy to give that character, once exposed, the most obvious motivation, but the contents of this killers mind turn out to be much more interesting

Did You See Melody by Sophie Hannah is published by Hodder.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier SJ Watson

SJ Watsno

I first came to Rebecca, published in 1938, with one of the most recognisable first lines in literature, not knowing exactly what to expect. That it was a classic I was in no doubt, but a classic what? I suspected a drama, possibly a romance, a book heavy on character but light on plot and one Id read and then forget. How wrong I was.

It is a dark, brooding psychological thriller, hauntingly beautiful, literature yes, but with a killer plot. I loved everything about it. The way Du Maurier slowly twists the screw until we have no idea who to trust, the fact that the title character never appears and exists only as an absence at the heart of the book, the fact that the narrator herself is unnamed throughout. But, more importantly, this thriller is an exploration of power, of the men who have it and the women who dont, and the secrets told to preserve it.

Second Life by SJ Watson is published by Black Swan.

Mystic River by Dennis Lehane James Lee Burke

To my mind this is the best crime novel written in the English language. Lehane describes horrible events with poetic lines that somehow heal the injury that his subject matter involves, not unlike Shakespeare or the creators of the King James Old Testament. Thats not a hyper-bolic statement. His use of metaphysical imagery is obviously influenced by Gerard Manley Hopkins. Mystic River is one for the ages.

Robicheaux by James Lee Burke is published by Orion.

The Expendable Man by Dorothy B Hughes Sara Paretsky

Author Sara Paretsky for Arts. Photo by Linda Nylind. 15/7/2015.

Today, Hughes is remembered for In a Lonely Place (1947) Bogart starred in the 1950 film version. My personal favourite is The Expendable Man (1963). Hughes lived in New Mexico and her love of its bleak landscape comes through in carefully painted details. She knows how to use the land sparingly, so it creates mood. The narrative shifts from the sandscape to the doctor, who reluctantly picks up a teen hitchhiker. When shes found dead a day later, hes the chief suspect, and the secrets we know hes harbouring from the first page are slowly revealed.

Hughess novels crackle with menace. Like a Bauhaus devotee, she understood that in creating suspense, less is more. Insinuation, not graphic detail, gives her books an edge of true terror. Shes the master we all could learn from.

Fallout by Sara Paretsky is published by Hodder.

Killing Floor by Lee Child Dreda Say Mitchell

What is it about any particular novel that means youre so engrossed that you miss your bus stop or stay up way past your bedtime? A spare, concise style that doesnt waste a word. A striking lead character who manages to be both traditional and original. A plot thats put together like a Swiss watch. Childs debut has all these things, but like all great crime novels it has the x-factor.

In the case of Killing Floor that factor is a righteous anger, rooted in personal experience, that makes the book shake in your hands. Its the story of a military policeman who loses his job and gets kicked to the kerb. Jack Reacher becomes a Clint Eastwood-style loner who rides into town and makes it his business to dish out justice and protect the underdog, but without the usual props of cynicism or alcohol. We can all identify with that anger and with that thirst for justice. We dont see much of the latter in real life. At least in Killing Floor we do.

Blood Daughter by Dreda Say Mitchell is published by Hodder.

The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler Benjamin Black (John Banville)

The Long Goodbye is not the most polished, and certainly not the most convincingly plotted, of Chandlers novels, but it is the most heartfelt. This may seem an odd epithet to apply to one of the great practitioners of hard-boiled crime fiction. The fact is, Chandler was not hard-boiled at all, but a late romantic artist exquisitely attuned to the bittersweet melancholy of post-Depression America. His closest literary cousin is F Scott Fitzgerald.

Philip Marlowes love and surely it is nothing less than love for the disreputable Terry Lennox is the core of the book, the rhapsodic theme that transcends and redeems the creaky storyline and the somewhat cliched characterisation. And if Lennox is a variant of Jay Gatsby, and Marlowe a stand in for Nick Carraway, Fitzgeralds self-effacing but ever-present narrator, then Roger Wade, the drink-soaked churner-out of potboilers that he despises, is an all too recognisable portrait of Chandler himself, and a vengefully caricatured one at that. However, be assured that any pot The Long Goodbye might boil is fashioned from hammered bronze.

Prague Nights by Benjamin Black is published by Viking.

Love in Amsterdam by Nicolas Freeling Ann Cleeves

Although Nicolas Freeling wrote in English he was a European by choice an itinerant chef who roamed between postwar France, Belgium and Holland, and who instilled in me a passion for crime set in foreign places. He detested the rules of the traditional British detective novel: stories in which plot seemed to be paramount. Love in Amsterdam (1962) is Freelings first novel and it breaks those rules both in terms of structure and of theme.

It is a tale of sexual obsession and much of the book is a conversation between the suspect, Martin, whos been accused of killing his former lover, and the cop. Van der Valk, Freelings detective, is a rule-breaker too, curious and compassionate, and although we see his investigative skills in later books, here his interrogation is almost that of a psychologist, teasing the truth from Martin, forcing him to confront his destructive relationship with the victim.

The Seagullby Ann Cleeves is published by Pan.

Laidlaw by William McIlvanney Chris Brookmyre

I first read Laidlaw in 1990, shortly after moving to London, when I was aching for something with the flavour of home, and what a gamey, pungent flavour McIlvanneys novel served up. A sense of place is crucial to crime fiction, and Laidlaw brought Glasgow to life more viscerally than any book I had read before: the good and the bad, the language and the humour, the violence and the drinking.

Laidlaws turf is a male hierarchy ruled by unwritten codes of honour, a milieu of pubs and hard men rendered so convincingly by McIlvanneys taut prose. His face looked like an argument you couldnt win, he writes of one character, encapsulating not only the mans appearance but his entire biography in a mere nine words.

This book made me realise that pacey, streetwise thrillers didnt have to be American: we had mean streets enough of our own. It emboldened me to write about the places I knew and in my own accent.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov Laura Lippman

Im going to claim Lolita for crime fiction, something I never used to do. But it has kidnapping, murder and its important to use this term rape. It also has multiple allusions to Edgar Allan Poe and even hides an important clue well, not exactly in plain sight, but in the text of, yes, a purloined letter. And now we know, thanks to the dogged scholarship of Sarah Weinman, that it was based on a real case in the United States. (Weinmans book, The Real Lolita, will be published later this year.)

Dorothy Parker meant well when she said Lolita was a book about love, but, no its about the rape of a child by a solipsistic paedophile who rationalises his actions, another crime that is too often hidden in plain sight. Some think that calling Lolita a crime novel cheapens it, but I think it elevates the book, reminds us of the pedestrian ugliness that is always there, thrumming beneath the beautiful language.

Sunburn by Laura Lippman is published by Faber.

The Moving Target by Ross Macdonald Donna Leon

Ross Macdonald, an American who wrote in the 60s and 70s, has enchanted me since then with the beauty of his writing and the decency of his protagonist, Lew Archer. I envy him his prose: easy, elegant, at times poetically beautiful. I also admire the absence of violence in the novels, for he usually follows Aristotles admonition that gore be kept out of the view of the audience. When Archer discovers the various wicked things one person has done to another, he does not linger in describing it but makes it clear how his protagonist mourns not only the loss of human life but also the loss of humanity that leads to it.

Macdonalds plotting is elegant: often, as Archer searches for the motive for todays crime, he unearths a past injustice that has returned to haunt the present and provoke its violence. His sympathy for the victims is endless, as is his empathy for some of the killers.

The Temptation of Forgiveness by Donna Leon is published by William Heinemann.

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins Nicci French

http://www.theguardian.com/us

[apsbicepstraining]

Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘

The tennis star talks about swearing on courtroom, dancing for Beyonc and why shes criticised for being both extremely masculine and extremely sexy

There are so many line-ups to Serena Williams. Slick and powerful in ends and leotard, she dances, squats and moves beside Beyonc in the video for Sorry. “Shes been” lauded by Claudia Rankine, whose award-winning, book-length song Citizen last year outlined Williams as hemmed in as any other pitch-black person shed against our American background. She is the worlds top-earning female jock. And arguably more than any of her contemporaries, her body has been the focus, the point of intersection, of so many arguments about femininity, ability and hasten that it would nearly be possible to overlook the tennis.

But the tennis, of course, is memorable. Williams has acquired 21 grand slams. One more next week at Wimbledon, tell would bring her level with Steffi Grafs total, and merely two short of Margaret Courts all-time register of 24. Williams has been playing since she was three. In September, she swerves 35. If she stays fit, if the forte views, if she preserves acquiring, if young competitives prosper temperately, perhaps she knows how lunge herself through the constricting spread of time to leave a new digit in the record books. But meanwhile, she is singing karaoke at a pre-tournament party. When a Tv interviewer points out that a strap of her harvest top has passed, she commits her shoulder a brief gleam. Yeah, she responds. I know. Through everything, she is a self-stylist.

How did you get involved with Beyoncs book Lemonade ?

Weve known each other a really long time. Ive known the chairman[ Dikayl Rimmasch] since he was nine. My solicitor its his son. We kind of grew up together. They were like, It would be good for Serena. Beyonc had so many inspirational women in that persona, in her documentary video. She alleges she loves when I dance cos I dance like no ones watching. Im like, Oh, but thats different cos theres no camera, theres no one watching. But, yeah, thats kind of what I was trying to do. It worked out good. She had a lot of parties. She had Trayvon Martins baby, Michael Browns[ father] as well, the victims of that shameful violence we are seeing in the United States, as well as some beautiful ballerinas, body-imaging women who really enjoy themselves and hug themselves, so other beings cuddle them, too. It was really powerful putting African-American ladies together in her floor, because shes certainly a super strong African-American woman.

Did she explain it to you in those expressions ?

She excused it to me in different expressions, but we kind of have a same take over a lot of things. Shes are going through so much and been so positive.

Some beings argue that alone African-American wives can truly be attributed to Lemonade

No! I thoughts women in general can relate to it. I think it was a powerful part for everybody, I think it certainly, 100% traversed colouring boundaries. Absolutely.

Did you and Beyonc examine some of the topics adultery , for example ?

Oh God , no. No, thats not my I dont know about that. It was just getting together with strong women.

Over its first year, your form has been described and criticised repeatedly. Why do you think people have felt so free to statement ?

I guess its a part of being in the public eye. You have to accept that people are going to have a remark, whether its your body, or your look, or your hands. It could be your feet. Nothing is off limits. I think thats why, growing up, my mum not consciously, subconsciously schooled myself and all my sisters to be so strong. It readied me for these moments.

Did she do that particularly with regard to torso figure ?

A little bit. Also my older sister, more. But she ever taught us to cherish ourselves and I think that is a wonderful letter that I spread now to so many girls. Its really important. You are who you are, you cant change it. And youre beautiful.

Do the comments still hurt, or did you stop listening ?

For every negative explain, theres a million good remarks. I ever suppose, Not everyones going to like the room I search. Everyone has different types. If we all liked the same situation, it would reach the world a really boring target! What matters most is that I like myself.

Right. Because youve been described as more muscular , too feminine …

Too muscly and too masculine, and then a few weeks subsequently extremely risque and very sexy. So for me it was just really a big joke.

Have you thought about originating your eyebrows extremely, very long only to show people that you get to decide ?

No, its fine. I find it really funny. Sometimes its true. Im like, Gosh, I need to chassis these countenances! Cant argue with the truth sometimes!

You have prevailed in a white-male-dominated world without compromising whom you. Do “youre feeling” you have fought for pitch-black women everywhere ?

I do, but I feel its for all women everywhere. I have so many different people, hastens and colourings who are in a position associate with my floor, whether theyre poverty-stricken or rich or middle class, it doesnt thing. My objective is to inspire every woman out there. My new articulating for the past few years has been: The success of one dame should be the brainchild for the next. And by the way, very great for your health and it impedes young women and girls out of trouble.

This task of inspiring or representing others does it sometimes feel like a job or additional burdens ?

I dont see it as a responsibility and a imperative, but I cuddle it because I am who I am. I appear I can give that content because Im living that word. Does that make sense? I embrace it and I enjoy that I have an opportunity to do it because a lot of beings dont. And I dont have to be anyone different, cos the committee is me. And it really fits well with me.

Claudia Rankine included a long area about you in her brilliant poem Citizen. Was that a bombshell ?

Totally. She interviewed me, very. Her section[ on pitch-black excellence, for the New York Times] was one of best available acts Ive read. It wasnt about a fib, it was just about the truth. And that lyric, with me in it it was so potent. I adoration her work.

Rankines poem refers to the mistaken decisions by umpire Mariana Alves at the US Open in 2004, which contributed to your early departure from the tournament. It includes the line: Though no one was saying anything explicitly about Serenas black torso, “youre not” the only onlooker who thought it was going in accordance with the rules of Alves sightline Did that resonate with you ?

I precisely felt it was very true. And thats why I liked the narrative[ on black excellence ], very. It was just circumstances that are true. Theres happening there are still actuality, and theres fiction and what she supposed, she just said happenings. Those are simple facts.

Was there anything in particular that stood out, where you detected she nailed it ?

That line you opened is a great example, but theres a lot of material. Besides all that, shes a really inducing writer.

You said that your dad describes you as a good daughter, and the working day you hope to have good juveniles, extremely. Is having children on your sentiment ?

It is, it is. It is something I think about a lot, especially now. But I repute everything will be OK. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out, and I dont ponder I am done with what I am supposed to do now hitherto. I just dont feel better duration, and I thoughts when it is time, everything will work out.

And will you know when its age ?

Yeah, I feel Ill know. I know Ill know. Ive been intuitive my whole life. I just think when everything is done and articulated, Ill have a great feeling, and Ill have a great life, I hope.

Do you have a number of grand slams in your premier that you want to reach before you allow yourself to adjourn ?

No. I never even thought, at 21, I would be here. I dont imagine anyone “ve been thinking about” it. I signify, maybe some people do, but I didnt. I dont have a number. Im precisely relying on a believe. A good old feeling.

The poet Claudia Rankine, whose book-length lyric Citizen includes a segment about Serena Williams. Photograph: Anna Webber/ Getty Images for The New Yorker

Male tennis actors can just go on playing without needing to decide or choice in the same way

Man! Theres a part of it thats exactly not fair! But its OK. I emphatically wouldnt have it any other way.

You formerly told a line magistrate : I swear to God Ill fucking take the pellet and shove it down your fucking throat. Will “youve been” flip out on tribunal again ?

I will always be myself. Yeah. I will always be myself, and if that includes getting furious, thats what that is. I perhaps wouldnt use some of the language. But other than that, I dont want to be anyone else. Im Serena, Im happy to be Serena, and I will always be Serena. And if Im not true to myself, then who am I?

Serena Williams was talking at the Delta Air Route Baseline Sessions, for which she is an official diplomat

The post Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[viralhottopics]

Five things I learned on the Womens March

Among the 100.000 people walking through London to protest against Trump were Eva, her two-year-old daughter and her mum

Toddlers prefer pudding to politics

I suppose I thought my two-year-old would look up at midday, the sky that rich denim blue, and shout, When they go low, we go high, or something with similar poignancy, with the clarity of a person just learning right and wrong. She was in her buggy, my mum was pushing her as she had me, in my buggy, on marches in the 1980s. In front of us in Trafalgar Square sat a 91-year-old woman with cotton wool hair and a discreet hearing aid, and behind us stood 100,000 people squinting into the sun. All she shouted though, as a screen told us that 1 in 5 women accessing domestic abuse services have been abused for more than 10 years, was the word Biscuits, and it was a bit embarrassing.

Shopping is not liberation

My favourite sign said: Melania, blink twice if you need help. People had got down on their carpets with felt-tips and coloured in banners and signs that screamed things like: Literally everything about this is so awful I have no idea where to start and So bad, even introverts are here, which spoke to me deeply.

As well as being cheering, as our feet froze beneath discussions about abortion rights, the signs were a stark contrast to the feminist merchandise that emerged when feminism became infinitely marketable. There was a time when the fashion and cosmetics industries invested in campaigns to undermine womens lib; their fear being that if too many women felt powerful and content we would no longer buy their products. Today, in a balletic turnaround, the opposite is true. Not only are cosmetics companies, such as Dove, co-opting feminist fury at unhealthy beauty standards in order to direct it towards its products, but high fashion has got involved, too, with Diors spring collection featuring a T-shirt printed with the phrase: We should all be feminists estimated price 500.

Its easy to buy a feminist T-shirt Theresa May memorably did, before she said she wouldnt be discussing Donald Trumps comments on women at their meeting last week. Its harder to do the work. The homemade banners were a timely reminder that we dont need to save up for an opinion; that shopping is rarely a political act; that what we want to say can be quickly scrawled with marker pens rather than bought from marketers desperate to cash in on what we are feeling; that anger is free.

We will look after each other

Inevitably I failed to meet any of my friends at the march, even Carrie and her seven-week old son. But when her baby needed feeding, and Carrie had to unwrap herself in the bright freeze of Trafalgar Square, a woman asked if shed like a coffee. Half an hour later, after having weaved through the banners and boots and cheering crowds, the woman returned to Carrie, breastfeeding standing up near the steps of the National Portrait Gallery and handed her a cup of coffee, and also a bit of cake. And then she went back to chanting.

Cynicism is adorable

The accusations on Twitter of virtue signalling seemed so clearly to be their own sort of signalling, like a massive dick lighting up the sky to show fellow dicks where to land. Here be dragons, breathing red hot takes.

I want to keep marching

There was something fiercely moving about last Saturday. It was partly the old-fashionedness of it, the simplicity of trudging through the cold with my family to be part of a massive crowd. Literally standing together. And, at the same time, the way it could only have happened like that right now, that campaigning continues online.

That night in bed, scrolling through hundreds of pictures of marches around the world, it was like zooming in on a photo from space. The massive crowd became individuals. People took photos of each others pink hats, of their kids riding on an aunties shoulders. There were famous actors holding crayoned signs, and artists with massive pussy slogans, singing.

The joy of it all! It wasnt just about making the world a bit better, but about making us feel a bit better, too about giving us the energy to keep on marching, trudging, cheering. Whether through donating, writing letters, or encouraging more brilliant women to become MPs. Next time I march, though, Im damned if my daughter doesnt hold up a really cute sign.

Email Eva at e.wiseman@observer.co.uk or follow her on Twitter @EvaWiseman

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from Five things I learned on the Womens March

[apsbicepstraining]

Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘

The tennis star talks about swearing on courtroom, dancing for Beyonc and why shes criticised for being both extremely masculine and extremely sexy

There are so many line-ups to Serena Williams. Slick and powerful in ends and leotard, she dances, squats and moves beside Beyonc in the video for Sorry. “Shes been” lauded by Claudia Rankine, whose award-winning, book-length song Citizen last year outlined Williams as hemmed in as any other pitch-black person shed against our American background. She is the worlds top-earning female jock. And arguably more than any of her contemporaries, her body has been the focus, the point of intersection, of so many arguments about femininity, ability and hasten that it would nearly be possible to overlook the tennis.

But the tennis, of course, is memorable. Williams has acquired 21 grand slams. One more next week at Wimbledon, tell would bring her level with Steffi Grafs total, and merely two short of Margaret Courts all-time register of 24. Williams has been playing since she was three. In September, she swerves 35. If she stays fit, if the forte views, if she preserves acquiring, if young competitives prosper temperately, perhaps she knows how lunge herself through the constricting spread of time to leave a new digit in the record books. But meanwhile, she is singing karaoke at a pre-tournament party. When a Tv interviewer points out that a strap of her harvest top has passed, she commits her shoulder a brief gleam. Yeah, she responds. I know. Through everything, she is a self-stylist.

How did you get involved with Beyoncs book Lemonade ?

Weve known each other a really long time. Ive known the chairman[ Dikayl Rimmasch] since he was nine. My solicitor its his son. We kind of grew up together. They were like, It would be good for Serena. Beyonc had so many inspirational women in that persona, in her documentary video. She alleges she loves when I dance cos I dance like no ones watching. Im like, Oh, but thats different cos theres no camera, theres no one watching. But, yeah, thats kind of what I was trying to do. It worked out good. She had a lot of parties. She had Trayvon Martins baby, Michael Browns[ father] as well, the victims of that shameful violence we are seeing in the United States, as well as some beautiful ballerinas, body-imaging women who really enjoy themselves and hug themselves, so other beings cuddle them, too. It was really powerful putting African-American ladies together in her floor, because shes certainly a super strong African-American woman.

Did she explain it to you in those expressions ?

She excused it to me in different expressions, but we kind of have a same take over a lot of things. Shes are going through so much and been so positive.

Some beings argue that alone African-American wives can truly be attributed to Lemonade

No! I thoughts women in general can relate to it. I think it was a powerful part for everybody, I think it certainly, 100% traversed colouring boundaries. Absolutely.

Did you and Beyonc examine some of the topics adultery , for example ?

Oh God , no. No, thats not my I dont know about that. It was just getting together with strong women.

Over its first year, your form has been described and criticised repeatedly. Why do you think people have felt so free to statement ?

I guess its a part of being in the public eye. You have to accept that people are going to have a remark, whether its your body, or your look, or your hands. It could be your feet. Nothing is off limits. I think thats why, growing up, my mum not consciously, subconsciously schooled myself and all my sisters to be so strong. It readied me for these moments.

Did she do that particularly with regard to torso figure ?

A little bit. Also my older sister, more. But she ever taught us to cherish ourselves and I think that is a wonderful letter that I spread now to so many girls. Its really important. You are who you are, you cant change it. And youre beautiful.

Do the comments still hurt, or did you stop listening ?

For every negative explain, theres a million good remarks. I ever suppose, Not everyones going to like the room I search. Everyone has different types. If we all liked the same situation, it would reach the world a really boring target! What matters most is that I like myself.

Right. Because youve been described as more muscular , too feminine …

Too muscly and too masculine, and then a few weeks subsequently extremely risque and very sexy. So for me it was just really a big joke.

Have you thought about originating your eyebrows extremely, very long only to show people that you get to decide ?

No, its fine. I find it really funny. Sometimes its true. Im like, Gosh, I need to chassis these countenances! Cant argue with the truth sometimes!

You have prevailed in a white-male-dominated world without compromising whom you. Do “youre feeling” you have fought for pitch-black women everywhere ?

I do, but I feel its for all women everywhere. I have so many different people, hastens and colourings who are in a position associate with my floor, whether theyre poverty-stricken or rich or middle class, it doesnt thing. My objective is to inspire every woman out there. My new articulating for the past few years has been: The success of one dame should be the brainchild for the next. And by the way, very great for your health and it impedes young women and girls out of trouble.

This task of inspiring or representing others does it sometimes feel like a job or additional burdens ?

I dont see it as a responsibility and a imperative, but I cuddle it because I am who I am. I appear I can give that content because Im living that word. Does that make sense? I embrace it and I enjoy that I have an opportunity to do it because a lot of beings dont. And I dont have to be anyone different, cos the committee is me. And it really fits well with me.

Claudia Rankine included a long area about you in her brilliant poem Citizen. Was that a bombshell ?

Totally. She interviewed me, very. Her section[ on pitch-black excellence, for the New York Times] was one of best available acts Ive read. It wasnt about a fib, it was just about the truth. And that lyric, with me in it it was so potent. I adoration her work.

Rankines poem refers to the mistaken decisions by umpire Mariana Alves at the US Open in 2004, which contributed to your early departure from the tournament. It includes the line: Though no one was saying anything explicitly about Serenas black torso, “youre not” the only onlooker who thought it was going in accordance with the rules of Alves sightline Did that resonate with you ?

I precisely felt it was very true. And thats why I liked the narrative[ on black excellence ], very. It was just circumstances that are true. Theres happening there are still actuality, and theres fiction and what she supposed, she just said happenings. Those are simple facts.

Was there anything in particular that stood out, where you detected she nailed it ?

That line you opened is a great example, but theres a lot of material. Besides all that, shes a really inducing writer.

You said that your dad describes you as a good daughter, and the working day you hope to have good juveniles, extremely. Is having children on your sentiment ?

It is, it is. It is something I think about a lot, especially now. But I repute everything will be OK. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out, and I dont ponder I am done with what I am supposed to do now hitherto. I just dont feel better duration, and I thoughts when it is time, everything will work out.

And will you know when its age ?

Yeah, I feel Ill know. I know Ill know. Ive been intuitive my whole life. I just think when everything is done and articulated, Ill have a great feeling, and Ill have a great life, I hope.

Do you have a number of grand slams in your premier that you want to reach before you allow yourself to adjourn ?

No. I never even thought, at 21, I would be here. I dont imagine anyone “ve been thinking about” it. I signify, maybe some people do, but I didnt. I dont have a number. Im precisely relying on a believe. A good old feeling.

The poet Claudia Rankine, whose book-length lyric Citizen includes a segment about Serena Williams. Photograph: Anna Webber/ Getty Images for The New Yorker

Male tennis actors can just go on playing without needing to decide or choice in the same way

Man! Theres a part of it thats exactly not fair! But its OK. I emphatically wouldnt have it any other way.

You formerly told a line magistrate : I swear to God Ill fucking take the pellet and shove it down your fucking throat. Will “youve been” flip out on tribunal again ?

I will always be myself. Yeah. I will always be myself, and if that includes getting furious, thats what that is. I perhaps wouldnt use some of the language. But other than that, I dont want to be anyone else. Im Serena, Im happy to be Serena, and I will always be Serena. And if Im not true to myself, then who am I?

Serena Williams was talking at the Delta Air Route Baseline Sessions, for which she is an official diplomat

The post Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[apsbicepstraining]

Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘

The tennis star talks about swearing on courtroom, dancing for Beyonc and why shes criticised for being both extremely masculine and extremely sexy

There are so many line-ups to Serena Williams. Slick and powerful in ends and leotard, she dances, squats and moves beside Beyonc in the video for Sorry. “Shes been” lauded by Claudia Rankine, whose award-winning, book-length song Citizen last year outlined Williams as hemmed in as any other pitch-black person shed against our American background. She is the worlds top-earning female jock. And arguably more than any of her contemporaries, her body has been the focus, the point of intersection, of so many arguments about femininity, ability and hasten that it would nearly be possible to overlook the tennis.

But the tennis, of course, is memorable. Williams has acquired 21 grand slams. One more next week at Wimbledon, tell would bring her level with Steffi Grafs total, and merely two short of Margaret Courts all-time register of 24. Williams has been playing since she was three. In September, she swerves 35. If she stays fit, if the forte views, if she preserves acquiring, if young competitives prosper temperately, perhaps she knows how lunge herself through the constricting spread of time to leave a new digit in the record books. But meanwhile, she is singing karaoke at a pre-tournament party. When a Tv interviewer points out that a strap of her harvest top has passed, she commits her shoulder a brief gleam. Yeah, she responds. I know. Through everything, she is a self-stylist.

How did you get involved with Beyoncs book Lemonade ?

Weve known each other a really long time. Ive known the chairman[ Dikayl Rimmasch] since he was nine. My solicitor its his son. We kind of grew up together. They were like, It would be good for Serena. Beyonc had so many inspirational women in that persona, in her documentary video. She alleges she loves when I dance cos I dance like no ones watching. Im like, Oh, but thats different cos theres no camera, theres no one watching. But, yeah, thats kind of what I was trying to do. It worked out good. She had a lot of parties. She had Trayvon Martins baby, Michael Browns[ father] as well, the victims of that shameful violence we are seeing in the United States, as well as some beautiful ballerinas, body-imaging women who really enjoy themselves and hug themselves, so other beings cuddle them, too. It was really powerful putting African-American ladies together in her floor, because shes certainly a super strong African-American woman.

Did she explain it to you in those expressions ?

She excused it to me in different expressions, but we kind of have a same take over a lot of things. Shes are going through so much and been so positive.

Some beings argue that alone African-American wives can truly be attributed to Lemonade

No! I thoughts women in general can relate to it. I think it was a powerful part for everybody, I think it certainly, 100% traversed colouring boundaries. Absolutely.

Did you and Beyonc examine some of the topics adultery , for example ?

Oh God , no. No, thats not my I dont know about that. It was just getting together with strong women.

Over its first year, your form has been described and criticised repeatedly. Why do you think people have felt so free to statement ?

I guess its a part of being in the public eye. You have to accept that people are going to have a remark, whether its your body, or your look, or your hands. It could be your feet. Nothing is off limits. I think thats why, growing up, my mum not consciously, subconsciously schooled myself and all my sisters to be so strong. It readied me for these moments.

Did she do that particularly with regard to torso figure ?

A little bit. Also my older sister, more. But she ever taught us to cherish ourselves and I think that is a wonderful letter that I spread now to so many girls. Its really important. You are who you are, you cant change it. And youre beautiful.

Do the comments still hurt, or did you stop listening ?

For every negative explain, theres a million good remarks. I ever suppose, Not everyones going to like the room I search. Everyone has different types. If we all liked the same situation, it would reach the world a really boring target! What matters most is that I like myself.

Right. Because youve been described as more muscular , too feminine …

Too muscly and too masculine, and then a few weeks subsequently extremely risque and very sexy. So for me it was just really a big joke.

Have you thought about originating your eyebrows extremely, very long only to show people that you get to decide ?

No, its fine. I find it really funny. Sometimes its true. Im like, Gosh, I need to chassis these countenances! Cant argue with the truth sometimes!

You have prevailed in a white-male-dominated world without compromising whom you. Do “youre feeling” you have fought for pitch-black women everywhere ?

I do, but I feel its for all women everywhere. I have so many different people, hastens and colourings who are in a position associate with my floor, whether theyre poverty-stricken or rich or middle class, it doesnt thing. My objective is to inspire every woman out there. My new articulating for the past few years has been: The success of one dame should be the brainchild for the next. And by the way, very great for your health and it impedes young women and girls out of trouble.

This task of inspiring or representing others does it sometimes feel like a job or additional burdens ?

I dont see it as a responsibility and a imperative, but I cuddle it because I am who I am. I appear I can give that content because Im living that word. Does that make sense? I embrace it and I enjoy that I have an opportunity to do it because a lot of beings dont. And I dont have to be anyone different, cos the committee is me. And it really fits well with me.

Claudia Rankine included a long area about you in her brilliant poem Citizen. Was that a bombshell ?

Totally. She interviewed me, very. Her section[ on pitch-black excellence, for the New York Times] was one of best available acts Ive read. It wasnt about a fib, it was just about the truth. And that lyric, with me in it it was so potent. I adoration her work.

Rankines poem refers to the mistaken decisions by umpire Mariana Alves at the US Open in 2004, which contributed to your early departure from the tournament. It includes the line: Though no one was saying anything explicitly about Serenas black torso, “youre not” the only onlooker who thought it was going in accordance with the rules of Alves sightline Did that resonate with you ?

I precisely felt it was very true. And thats why I liked the narrative[ on black excellence ], very. It was just circumstances that are true. Theres happening there are still actuality, and theres fiction and what she supposed, she just said happenings. Those are simple facts.

Was there anything in particular that stood out, where you detected she nailed it ?

That line you opened is a great example, but theres a lot of material. Besides all that, shes a really inducing writer.

You said that your dad describes you as a good daughter, and the working day you hope to have good juveniles, extremely. Is having children on your sentiment ?

It is, it is. It is something I think about a lot, especially now. But I repute everything will be OK. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out, and I dont ponder I am done with what I am supposed to do now hitherto. I just dont feel better duration, and I thoughts when it is time, everything will work out.

And will you know when its age ?

Yeah, I feel Ill know. I know Ill know. Ive been intuitive my whole life. I just think when everything is done and articulated, Ill have a great feeling, and Ill have a great life, I hope.

Do you have a number of grand slams in your premier that you want to reach before you allow yourself to adjourn ?

No. I never even thought, at 21, I would be here. I dont imagine anyone “ve been thinking about” it. I signify, maybe some people do, but I didnt. I dont have a number. Im precisely relying on a believe. A good old feeling.

The poet Claudia Rankine, whose book-length lyric Citizen includes a segment about Serena Williams. Photograph: Anna Webber/ Getty Images for The New Yorker

Male tennis actors can just go on playing without needing to decide or choice in the same way

Man! Theres a part of it thats exactly not fair! But its OK. I emphatically wouldnt have it any other way.

You formerly told a line magistrate : I swear to God Ill fucking take the pellet and shove it down your fucking throat. Will “youve been” flip out on tribunal again ?

I will always be myself. Yeah. I will always be myself, and if that includes getting furious, thats what that is. I perhaps wouldnt use some of the language. But other than that, I dont want to be anyone else. Im Serena, Im happy to be Serena, and I will always be Serena. And if Im not true to myself, then who am I?

Serena Williams was talking at the Delta Air Route Baseline Sessions, for which she is an official diplomat

The post Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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